#because i was never going to open myself to love but did it anyway
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From the moment I was coherent, I knew my family was different. Off, somehow, not normal. It was something in the way my parents looked at me when they thought I was distracted, the way they treated me like I didn't belong. Like I was an inconvenience.
My brother and sisters? So, so spoiled. Between mom's modeling and dad's business stuff, there was MONEY, and my siblings had it lavished on them. Toys, designer clothes - whatever they wanted. They were hugged, cosseted, taken on trips, given actual attention! They had a fabulous childhood.
Not like mine.
There was this undercurrent of resentment towards me that I never understood. I never had birthday parties, the folks were always "too busy", tossing some money my way so I could get a present. It never mattered what my grades were, I handed over the report cards to get signed and that was it. Unlike my siblings - they got pizza parties for not failing classes! but my damn near perfect marks were shrugged off. It was a lonely, confusing life, especially for a little kid.
My solace was in books. (Yep, I nerd.) If it was in print, I'd read it. That empty feeling inside me was soothed when I filled myself with words, stories, information, music. Yes, I taught myself how to read music, too, and how to build and play instruments. The early ones were crap, but I got better at it.
Anyways. I read everything, which led me to the 'occult/spiritual' section of the library and book stores. Right next to the fairy tales and legends, of course, so I read those too because why the heck not? It was ... it was educational. Upsetting. I wandered around the house and saw all the cold iron and silver on every window, every door. The weird herbs growing at every entrance. Keep in mind that I was TEN. Ten years old, trying to understand what was going on with my life, and suddenly figuring out that my parents were keeping something out. Of course, the next thing I did was check my clothes and, surprise surprise, everything had odd things sewn into the hems. Not only was something kept out, I was warded against being Taken.
So, I did what any angsty pre-adolescent would do, and plotted. Come hell or high water, I was going to find out what was going on. For the first time in my life, being ignored worked in my favor. Using the books and stories as a guide, I bought things, ingredients and materials, and worked quietly. Waiting for the night of the full moon.
I was as thorough as only an angry child could be. Opened doors, front and back. Walked around the house widdershins, sweeping away the protective ring of salt and runes. Did I mention I was naked? Yeah, I took a bath and washed myself with a bar of Ivory soap, getting rid of even the smallest trace of binding or charm. Since I didn't trust any of my clothes, or any in the house really, it made sense for me to go naked. To be sure.
The results were impressive. Also terrifying. Two powerful, ancient beings stormed into the house and dragged my parents out of bed, starting a three-way screaming match about contracts, oaths, stuff I didn't understand.
That was when I learned why I was conceived. It hurt, honestly. Learning that I was just a bargaining chip, chattel to be bartered or sold, broke my heart. They kept me warded to avoid issues, they said. They didn't know which being had the first claim on me, and neither one wanted to give up the wealth and beauty they bought with my life.
I was ten years old, and heartbroken, and oh so angry, and I interrupted with a suggestion. The witch and the faerie exchanged a look, before turning to my parents with the same smile on both their faces, one with extra teeth and mischief.
To this day, I have no idea what happened to them. I've lived with my dads for ten years now. Not full time anymore, university is a beeyotch and I live off campus, but every break, I go home.
My family is still kinda off, and different, but my dads love me. They're proud of me, they encourage me to be awesome, and we celebrate birthdays and holidays together. They keep saying that they have to make up for lost time, but knowing they were trying to find me, knowing they never gave up hope - well. They wanted a child to love, and i needed parents to love me. It all worked out in the end.
Your mother sold her firstborn to a witch in exchange for beauty and your father sold his firstborn to a fairy for wealth. Today you are born.
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Discussion about romances + expectations under the cut (I'd put it as like..mildly critical, but also coming from a place of understanding?). As usual, will tag as such so you don't have to engage/read on if you don't wish to. I always invite open discussion, just keep it respectful (as I will endeavour to do so myself).
This is going to be a bit of a ramble, so I apologize if my thoughts are not clearly laid out like they should be.
I think I've found the reason why I (and maybe others), feel that the romances in Veilguard feel a bit... idk, hollow, at times (not BAD!!! just feeling like there could be MORE). And that's because of the trap of expectations. I may also be speaking completely for myself here.
Anyway, let's rewind to 2014.
Be me, 10 years ago. You're not really a gamer, but indulge in action RPG's casually.
See a commercial for this hot new game coming out called Dragon Age: Inquisition. Be intrigued by the character designs, but know nothing about the world. Come to find out it's part of a trilogy. So naturally, you buy the first two games and play through them before playing the third.
Be amazed, and completely hooked on the characters, the lore, the world, the darker elements and themes. It becomes your favourite game series of all time.
But you had no idea that you could romance any of the companions going into the experience. And man, does it fundamentally rewire your brain chemistry to fall in love with cRPG and get ridiculously attached to your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor.
So, you romance Alistair first because he's funny as hell, and has a really interesting story/character arc. Then you romance Zevran, and love that too - he's charming and suave and awkward and funny. Then you go onto DA2 and romance Fenris and Anders, and each of those romances pack their own emotional gut punches. Then it's finally time for DAI, and predictably, you go for Solas (a veritable slow burn that spans TWO games), Cullen, and partially (I never finished those playthroughs lol) Blackwall and Dorian.
I had no idea you could romance companions going into these games. It was a pleasant surprise! It always felt like an important part of the story, while not overshadowing the main plot. There was enough material in the codexes, the cutscenes, and party banter to make each romance feel complete and whole and awesome and nuanced.
And then, like some of you I suspect, I read an article that touted Veilguard as "The Most Romantic Bioware Game Yet", and I thought - "Wow, if they're saying this then the romances must be something else", given the quality of the previous romances you've experienced in these games!
But you get to the game - and while you're having fun, it definitely leans more into the ARPG style where romances feel a bit more pushed to the side in order to tell a certain story than the traditional Bioware/Larian RPG experience you've come to love.
Which is fine! Again, once I stopped thinking of Veilguard as a classic Bioware CRPG, and more like GOW/The Witcher, I found I was able to appreciate it a lot more for what it is. Things have to Happen A Certain Way for the narrative to work, and that's not a bad thing. DA2 was similar - it was a harrowing, personal tragedy about the Hawke family and their struggle to survive in Kirkwall.
Just like DA2, there are aspects of Veilguard that make me glad things happened the way they did. I'm not mad that Rook has so much dialogue without a ton of player input and you can't 'be evil' - because the game doesn't make sense if you can. At its core, Veilguard's narrative is centered around Regret, after all - you can't have an evil protagonist running around because Solas' Regret prison would never work (evil people don't generally tend to regret their actions...)!
Now, if you're expecting a long-winded, fully researched academic breakdown of every romance I'm sorry but that ain't happening tonight lol. This is not based in any fact, this is all opinion.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but sometimes it feels like the romances in this game (and I say this with the biggest grain of salt as I've only done Emmrich and Lucanis' - and am going through Neve's now), are just missing....something, to take them from good to great.
I loved Emmrich's romance. I thought it was very well done. I think a lot of people would agree it's one of the stronger ones in the game - doubly so if you play as a Mourn Watch Rook (you get a TON of MW specific lines going this route, it's great). His side romance with Strife if you don't get together is very cute, I enjoyed it. But as superbly well done as it was, somehow, I wouldn't even put it in my top 4 Bioware romances.
With Lucanis' romance - whatever my hangups may be about how it was handled, certain parts of his romance were done excellently (even better than some of the previous Bioware romances, I'd say). You can read more about my thoughts on his romance here which is why I'm not going into detail about it. Unlike Emmrich's, I would put it in my top 4 because I fell in love with the character that much (both in the game but really, I've loved him since Tevinter Nights), and I've grown very attached to my first Rook and him as a pairing. I've seen others share a similar sentiment on here (and I hate to say it but I agree) - sometimes it feels like I fell in love with Rookanis despite the way it was handled, not because of it. I can't say that for many other romances. While it's been fun to think up a lot of HC/write fics/make art about those abandoned concept sketches and parts where I felt the game could have showed us more of their dynamic, I can't help but feel like his (and other) romances would have immensely benefited from even 1 or 2 extra small scenes to flesh it out a bit more if they weren't going to let us freely talk to our companions.
The issue with the romances might also have something to do with the pacing of the game itself. I think Act 2 is where the pacing goes a bit awry, before picking back up in Act 3 (which is great, I love it).
Sometimes I also felt that there was a little too much reliance on codex entries and party banter to tell the story of the romance rather than showing it explicitly through cutscenes. I think that's what makes the romances feel a bit truncated at times, compared to the previous entries? Some of the romance-specific party banter was so good, it probably deserved its own cutscene. But it's also highly dependent on the party you have, and it's easy to miss/not trigger. I remember absolutely living for the cutscenes in the first three entries and I can't explain why I feel like, subjectively speaking, Veilguard just has less romance content (this may not be objective reality - I haven't compared the amount of romance specific content head to head with other games).
I also couldn't tell you why I feel DA2 doesn't suffer the same problems as DATV in terms of romance interaction - because you can't freely talk to your companions in that game either. Yet somehow, it always felt like I was getting enough of them to not notice that. I do miss being able to chat my LI's ear off and ask them questions about their life/their views/etc. like I could in DAO and DAI. I think it's a shame we can't because the companions in DATV are SO interesting. I want to ask them all a billion questions about their lives/stories/etc even if they're not my love interest. The party banter in this game is immaculate but being able to talk to them individually about this stuff would've been SO nice. I feel that I've missed out on SO MUCH of these characters just because I didn't have two of them in my party at the same time!
Anyway, I need to wrap this up.
In closing, perhaps, if I hadn't read that article about how it was going to be Bioware's most romantic game ... maybe I wouldn't feel this way? I think it sent my expectations through the stratosphere, and that's no one's fault but my own. Not Bioware, not EA, mine.
I know that this game's development cycle was a unique sort of hell that the other games didn't suffer. To go from Joplin -> Morrison -> Veilguard. To have so many of the original staff leave the team when Joplin got scrapped. To have to pivot from Live Service and then back to single person RPG. More lay-offs. It's a miracle this game got made. I'm happy I can sit around thinking about it. And I hope its successful enough that we get DA5 so we can all sit around dissecting that in 5-10 yrs time.
Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the Veilguard romances for what they are. I'm enjoying them more I play and discover additional banter/codex/etc that I missed the first time around. Like any Bioware romance, there are spots where they hit their stride, and spots where they falter a bit. When they hit their stride they knock it out of the fucking park. But when they falter, you can really feel it. Romance is hard to write! And you'll never fully please everyone.
But a small part of me wishes I'd gone in blind, and checked my own expectations a bit.
Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. Tell me about it. What was your experience with the romances? Did you also read that article and get your expectations up?
I hope this makes sense.
Kind regards good fandom folks,
Keep the discussion respectful. And please don't use this post as an excuse to just blatantly hate on the game.
-Rookie
#datv critical#bioware critical#datv#lucanis dellamorte#neve gallus#emmrich volkarin#rook#as always i'd love to know your opinions#if you feel the same#if you feel differently#if differently#just keep it respectful#rookie rambles#datv spoilers
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หห๐ขึดเป๐ฆขห ๐ป๐๐พ๐ฑ๐ช๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ช๐ถ
there was an ache in my heart when i awoke in a strange, beautiful world that wasnโt my own. even as months turned to years, i still missed the familiar skies, the voice of loved ones and the home i had left behind. i wrote letters that went nowhere and whispered silent prayers that reached no one. it was like i was plucked from my own reality and placed in a world where i didnโt quite belong.
yet, as much as i longed for home, i was determined to learn in this new life. sumeru became my sanctuary and the akademiya, my solace. i learned their languages, customs, and secrets while sharing stories of the stars, landmarks, and beauty of my own world. the scholars listened, fascinated by the similarities and differences, but none more than al-haithamโa student assigned to guide me through this foreign land. he was a quiet presence. thoughtful and curious. he did not pity me.
and over time, he went from guide to peer to something more. over time, i wasnโt just seeking knowledge but also him. but what was the point? what was the point of falling for him if one day, i could just disappearโvanish back to my world, leaving him and teyvat behind? this could slip away at any moment. this might be as fleeting as a dream.
despite all reason, i still found myself loving him deeply. in a world that wasnโt my own, he had become my home.
๐ญ๐ซ๐จ๐ฉ๐๐ฌ: very slow burn, mutual pining, friends to lovers
๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐: 22.10.22 | playlist | genshinverse ryu
๐๐๐๐๐: modern au | season of love
#is this an introโฆ or a drabbleโฆ#i got carried away#did i really just isekai myself into the genshinverse?#yes#donโt laugh at me please !!!!#be kind please !!!#i loved the academic rivals to lovers thing i had going on but that backstory belongs to my oc nahla (who i had for haitham before#i decided to self ship with him)#for my s/i i found myself daydreaming about this scenario and itโs probably a bit too ambitious for genshinverse but hey#the power of fiction lets me do whatever i want!#and our dynamics still stays the same ^^ i just changed my lore. i rlly tried to keep this intro as short as possible#but i think there is something so deeply romantic about falling for someone despite there being so many barriers and crossroads#if i wasnt clear enough we meet as students! i can picture him watching me curiously from behind his book when i first enrol at the akademi#he could be pragmatic at first but over time he brings me things that remind me of my home. perhaps books that could comfort me or#asking questions to allow me to talk about it#not knowing whether or not i'll suddenly go *blip* makes every moment so precious#nothing better than finding your beacon of light in an unfamiliar place#*he* fell first *i* fell harder me thinks#because i was never going to open myself to love but did it anyway#anyway whoโs even reading this far i should have like a certain emoji for people to comment if theyโve reach this point#maybe ๐#selfships#selfship moodboard#my selfships#genshin self insert#self insert
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IT'S HERE!!!! I HAVE IT!! THE NEW EMILY WILDE BOOK!!!!
I'm so fucking excited!!!
^ actually me
#did I let out an inhuman noise when I opened the package and saw what it was#yes yes I did#I'm so excited but also slightly scared because I already love Emily and Wendell so much and what if it isn't as good as the first one#but also I'm not going to let myself put it off too long because otherwise I'll overthink it too much and won't read it#AND IM SO EXCITED#ITS HERE#I HAVE IT#I GET TO READ ABOUT MY LOVES AGAIN#just know that if Wendell calls Emily 'my dear dragon' again I will be an absolute mess#completely intolerable (I'm already kinda intolerable but even more so)#and I'll never shut up about it#anyway I will shut up now but I'm just so happy to have this book#actually one more thing the cover is so pretty and green and pretty#emily wildeโs encyclopaedia of faeries#emily wilde's map of the otherlands#emily wilde#books & reading
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sometimes i will get bored & go through someone's entire blog since its creation
#& if they have their blog made unsearchable therefore no archive to pick posts from i take it as a challenge#& i really read every post not just skimming i gave up archives caus i find it hard to pay attention to individual posts#plus you never see the full tags & clearly from my postings they serve as the single most important part of a post#the actual post is more of like a title or a sort of epigraph#& i am interested in the Posters themselves like i feel compelled to absorb&gather as much information about them as possible#in an effort to understand them ( as well as myself Many epiphanies & revelations came to me from this activity i recommend it )#i just did this BTW not saying who but god if you never knew of her you totally missed out on the best Poaster tumblr has ever had to offer#her mind was unlike any other & her influence on me is so noticeable even today. wishing her well today & always#also (moving on from that) i even constantly have like 40 tumblr blog tabs open at all times#some that are even i think 3 years old now#i never close them they keep me company i will not really click on yhem either To be honest but those are like my friends My chums;#on my phone as well two year old tabs from when i was still in highschool of tumblr blogs i was reading#i just have so much Love in my heart for Posters real genuine love not interpersonal just as an Observer#well kind of interpersonal when it comes to some#so if you have a tracker & you see someone from north africa spending hours or even days or months on your blog#that would be me#i actually did spend months once back when blogs opened on the side i never shut my laptop off & my tabs are always saved#had to go back & scroll a little to keep the page active to not refresh & i got as far back as 2010 i think#because their blog did not have an archive but NOTHING will stop me OK if you got a Beautiful Mind or Gift Of Curation#i will do anything in my power to enjoy it. without disturbing you ( as much as i can anyway )
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...๐โโ๏ธ
#so i went to the hairdresser's in september to get a trim after over a year of having NOTHING done to my hair#it was in suuuuuuuuch a poor condition but i loved how long it had gotten so i suffered through the summer#i just wasn't ready to say goodbye to my mermaid hair ๐ฅบ#(i should've got it done in the spring but didn't because. well. life i guess lol i wasn't feeling very well maybe)#and so when i finally went to get it done i asked the hairdresser to cut only what was necessary#fair enough i went home only to notice absolutely NOTHING had happened ๐#i thought i could live with it until maybe later in the winter but i was getting so frustrated with how lifeless and tangled my hair was ๐ญ#so i booked a new appointment at a different hairdresser (a new one has just opened near me)#and aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my hair looks and feels SO much more healthier now!! ๐ญ nearly teared up at the hairdresser's feeling my new hair ๐#but at the same time i'm a bit ๐ฅฒ because it's quite a bit shorter now ๐ฅฒ๐ฅฒ๐ฅฒ๐ฅฒ๐ฅฒ#it's not short per se but aaaahhhh I'm having a minor identity crisis lol (no i'm not i'm just being dramatic ๐
)#but it's definitely better this way. i love my hair and i'm never ever letting it get in such a terrible condition ever again ๐คง#also i'm not going back to that other place again because it wasn't the first time the same person had done barely anything to my hair ๐คจ#i mean. i guess they just did what i had asked but...#with all the other hairdressers there's never been any problem when i told them to ''only take what's needed''#i guess she was just too cautious to take TOO much of the length of my hair but gurl what's the point if you only take like 1 cm ๐#with ''what's needed'' i obviously mean ''enough so i won't have to come back here next month'' :\#anyway! i'm happy and keep sniffing my hair (and giving myself a headache in the process) because the products they used smell so nice ๐#pointless ramblings hi yess i'm bored by theflyingfeeling
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Trans kiryu is a genuinely funny hc because like trans majima is like oohh angst ohh she has to fight to be accepted she has to deal with people making fun of her for being a man in a dress she has to take into account her position and social standing and kiryu is literally just kiryu forever because the universe loves him too much to ever force him into a situation unless its to go to prison in which case hes like yayyy i love jail yayy yayyy
#Yakzua loveblog#im just talking to myself you guys dont need to read anything#in fact dont read this im going to talk about transphobic nishiki again anyway#my transphobic nishiki hc is the most important one to me because. like we all need to have some transphobic people in our lives#i do think that nishiki calls him โkiryuโ even though theyre best friends forever because when nishiki will always accidentally say his#deadname instead of โkazumaโ even though i know that nishiki is literally the one who gave him the name kazuma to make fun of kiryu for#thinking hes a boy and it just kind of stuck but nishiki eventually stuck. with calling him kiryu because thats how he prefers to be called#they are bestfriends for a reason .... and nishiki is the only one kiryu will let be transphobic towards him because theyve known each other#for forever and he knows he means no harm by it like he will still hit him but nishiki takes it in stride because its their thing and its#never not funny to make kiryu annoyed like for anyone else its an uncrossable line but once a month nishiki will lead kiryu into the womens#section to shop for new clothes and kiryus like Somehow i always knew you wore womens jeans and nishikis like HEY !!!!#but as kids they were always very cute because theyre always together and you can never really tell whos following who because it seems like#theyre on the same wavelength until nishiki realises that life is so much easier when youre working smart so he went to work on his INT stat#while kiryu never stopped being a wild animal like hes literally some sort of monkey to me sorry for dehumanising him because of his autism#like i adore his โown little bubbleโ way of life as long as heโs physically okay kiryus not going to complain about anything. like when he#said โi decide to do things based on whether i love it or hate itโ im like Yeah i bet you do. he sits outside the orphanage all day playing#with rocks until nishiki comes finds him then they both go outside to smash open windows with the rocks kiryu has gathered and kiryus in his#little skirt and he always uses it to carry things in you know how it is and he stopped going to school to be a bigger menace than everyone#anyway did i mention that the universe loves kiryu. especially his genes he was very lucky because he never had a big chest or nothing he#was always going to get tall and thick in the shoulders and beefy and when he cut his hair it just sealed the deal he passed with flying#colours like young children are indistinguishable by gender unless they have a big pink bow in their hair but kiryu radiated masculinity#from a young age and his aggressive way of life didnt help. well it helped a lot actually. a lot of people were scared of him and nishikis#like dont be scared of kiryu shes nice when you get to know her and everyones like ?? thats a girl ???#in fact it made more sense for kiryu to be a boy at that point so he went to kazama and told him and kazama was like ok lets make it happen#like kiryu and nishiki are so special because there is nobody in the universe more transphobic to kiryu than his own brother but also nishik#was the one helping kiryu shop for boy clothes when he was clueless about it like hes not stupid but he really doesnt know about fashion and#he trusts nishiki to not make him look stupid and nishiki is of course like ๐ well well well youre having a girl moment arent you#nishiki is okay with kiryu being a guy because this means that now whenever kiryu hits him he can fight back without being misogynistic#okay im done talking my noodles are getting cold but kiryu as a kid would have been a veritable nightmare#oh yeah my trans beam extended to nishitani as well because just look at him. everybody majima wants to sex is trans
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That situation was also so weird. More under the cut because I am listening to my OC's playlist (which is fun and phenominal and it sucks that it is connected to the loss of an important relationship) and I'm in a sentimental mood.
I am usually the one to reach out and coordinate with my friends, (a skill I developed since a lot of people are bad at reaching out), which I genuinely don't mind at all! But with this friend, I noticed that when I reached out it wasn't really reciprocated? Like my texts would be ignored (even if they were heartfelt or asked about them) and my discord messages responded with nice, but closed messages, with no elaboration or invitation.
We only talked on the phone after I directly asked via discord and we set up a call. It was nice to catch up, and I am glad we at least got that much closure. I talked a little about how I had been feeling, and they clearly felt bad about it and reassured me. But they said that text was in fact their preferred communication, and they just stopped responding again. Like in the middle of our conversation about how I don't want them to only talk to me out of guilt or obligation, I want them to only talk with me if they really want to.
I took the hint, and stopped reaching out after that. I feel a bit embarrassed about how long it took me to read between the lines, but it was confusing because when asked they verbally reassured me. I sobbed for literally a week straight after our phone call and subsequent texting because I knew it was over, but I wanted to believe them so badly.
It was interesting to understand why some people have a hard time reaching out to friends though. It would suck if multiple of your friends acted like that. Especially since I had to cleanly read their behavior instead of their words, which is hard to do if you are anxious, have low-self esteem, or are emotionally attached, since all of those tend to distorts interpretations. But it is also hard to tell a friend you used to love that you don't want to be friends or talk anymore :/ So I don't blame them. I just miss them and I still love them and I wish they were apart of my life. But they seem really happy with their partner (who I also know and genuinely really like) so it seems like they are doing well. It's hard to find the space for everything you want in your life, so I can't really blame them for not having space for me, even if it makes me sad sometimes. And who knows! Maybe they will reach out in a few years and I'll talk to them. That doesn't feel true to me, but there is always a chance.
Anyway, I am going to cut myself off there. It is challenging for me to let go of people I love, but I am proud of myself for reading this situation and letting them go without forcing them into a dramatic confrontation. So that is cool.
#Celestia says stuff#Probably too personal but eh#The campaign ended two years ago#And my last conversation with Fyo was last June#I only realized the connection when talking to some friends about the campaign and how it ended#And then I was like wait I actually lived that with my GM#And I don't even know if they think our friendship is over#And I am open if they reach out#But I am not reaching out again to them and I know they won't reach out to me because they haven't for years#It's just sad man#I miss them and I miss the me around them and I miss our relationship#I was sooooo sweet with them too ๐ญ#I did some messy things admittedly and I wish I could have done better but we never really talked about it and stayed friends for years aft#er#I even kind of brought it up in our last text messages and said that I feel like I fucked up and lost them then#And they said that I didn't lose them;they were right here#And I have never heard from them again#It really and truly broke my heart I loved them so much and it was so tragic to have to let them go like I did#Learning how to leave gracefully is a skill I am still learning but I feel like I did overall a pretty decent job here#It's hard not holding out hope sometimes but I know it's ultimately futile#Anyway I am cutting myself off again and I am going to bed#I have lingered far too long
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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baby daddy!eddie x mom!reader
cw: smut, non established relationship, best friend!eddie as well, idiots in love
wc: 3.8k
Closing the door as gently as he could, Eddie tip toed down the hall of the trailer and rounded into the kitchen to get himself a beer. Heโd played hard enough with Autumn that she could barely keep her eyes open through her bath, but that also meant he wore himself out in the process. So after cracking open a can, he plops his ass down and turns on the TV, ready to chill until he passes out on the couch.
Well, that was the plan. Just as he got comfortable, there was a small knock on the trailer door. With a frustrated sigh, Eddie jumps back up, mumbling something about people coming to his house so late at night.
โListen, Iโve told you all I donโt fucking deal anymoreโWoah!โ
Instead of some annoying kids looking for weed, Eddie was met with your sniffling nose and tear stained cheeks. He immediately went into best friend mode, wrapping you in a big hug and letting you get those emotions out.
After some crying and a soaked shoulder later, you finally peel yourself away from Eddie and attempted to talk, but only babbling came out.
โShhh, itโs okay,โ Eddie says, thumbs rubbing the tops of your shoulders. โJust calm down and tell me what happened? Did someone hurt you?โ
You shook your head, doing your best to compose yourself.
โHe-he-he g-got mar-married,โ you hiccup out.
Eddie blinks at you. He knows exactly what you were talking about. Dustin told him back when that Harrington met a girl about 6 months ago and apparently they hit it off right away. The last thing he wanted to do was tell you about her considering your long time pining for him Especially considering heโs the reason Harrington would never ask you out. But you ended up finding out on your own, and devastated couldnโt even begin to describe how you felt.
It seemed soon in Eddieโs opinion, granted he would marry you tomorrow if you would say yes. When Dustin told him that he was going to be the best man that the wedding, Eddie had mixed feelings. He knew that it would kill you when you found out. That youโd react exactly as you were now.
Actually, youโre doing a little better than he anticipated.
โHe came into the store and,โ you blew your nose into the toilet paper he grabbed for you, โand I saw the ring on his finger when he was getting his money out of his wallet.โ
โIโm so sorry, sweetheart,โ Eddie says, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you close.
โThey havenโt even known each other that long! Heโs such an idiotโฆโ
โIโve been trying to tell you that,โ Eddie jokes, rolling his eyes.
โOh god, what if--do you think itโs because sheโs pregnant?โ
Eddieโs pretty sure Dustin would have told him if that was the reason why, but itโs not an unreasonable guess.
โI donโt know, could be? Or maybe Steve Harrington is just an idiot like you said. And maybe theyโll be divorced by this time next year. Who knows, right?โ
You sighed, leaning into Eddie and resting your head against him. โI donโt even know why Iโm so upset. He was never going to ask me out anyway. No one wants a young single mom. Steve has his whole life to do what he wants, why would he be with someone who has so much baggage?โ
โHey, donโt say that about Audy,โ Eddie scolds.
โNo, Iโm sorry, thatโs not what I meant,โ you correct, โI was talking about myself. Iโd never be with someone who didnโt accept Autumn. Even Steve Harrington. I justโฆIโm damaged goods, Eddie.โ
Eddie could feel himself getting upset but didnโt want to make things worse right now, so he took a few breathes to steady himself. He said your name sternly, pulling your full attention to him.
โI donโt like it when you say things like that. It makes me feel like itโs my fault--โ
โEddie,โ you stop him before he can get another word out, โYou know that you didnโt do anything wrong. Iโve told you before that if I was going to get pregnant right out of high school with anyone that I wouldnโt want it to be with anyone else but you.โ
Eddie knows this, and he feels the same. But itโs not what he wants.
Even though it was all a total accident, he hoped that night the two of you spent together was going to be the next step for both of you. And even though he was scared after you told him with tears in your eyes then that he had gotten you pregnant, he wished with all his might that it would bring the two of you closer together.
Which it did in a way. Obviously the two of you would be bound together for the rest of your lives, but it wasnโt in the way he wanted. You still were head over heels for Steve, and there was no way Eddie could even compare to the king.
โYeahโฆI know.โ He says somberly. Your brows pinch, making him worried he should have said something else.
Then your expression changed. You looked at him intensely for a moment, before your eyes became lidded andโฆwere you leaning in?
Eddie thought fast, making a quick decision to put his hand over your mouth, stopping you in your tracks. Your eyes go wide as dinner plates, tears perching on your waterline as what hot embarrassment washes over you.
โIโm sorry,โ Eddie says, suddenly regretting everything. This could have been his chance and he was an idiot.
You pull his hand from his mouth, sitting in silence for a moment before you begin to laugh. It catches Eddie off guard and he freezes.
โEddie, I should be the one apologizing,โ you say with giggles. โIโm the one who was stupid enough to try and kiss her best friend for a second time. We both know what happened the first time and the last thing we need is history to repeat itself.โ
Eddie still felt conflicted. Your tone wasnโt sitting right with him, like there was some level of self depreciation in your words.
After a moment you stop laughing. Your face warps into worry as you stand from the couch.
โI-I need to goโโ
โNo, wait!โ Eddie stands to grab your wrist before you could run away. He pulls you into him and hugs you tightly to him. You stand still before slowly wrapping your arms around him, gripping his shirt in your hands.
โListen, I know youโre going through a lot emotionally right now, butโฆIโm here for whatever you need. Even ifโฆโ He trails off for a moment, knowing that heโs just going to hurt himself if he lets you use him. But he canโt turn you away when you need him. Heโd rather you take advantage of his feelings than run off to someone else who would hook up with you without second thought.
โEven if it means crossing a boundary that weโve already crossed before.โ
Eddie feels you press into him harder, face buried in his chest. And when you look up at him, Eddie thinks he could melt into a puddle and let you mold him to however youโd like.
โI donโt think I should make any rash decisions right now,โ you say with a sniffle. โI think I just need to clear my head. Let myself rot in my own misery instead of dumping it all on you.โ
โOr,โ Eddie says with a smile, โyou could rot with me. I rented some movies and some beers in the fridge that have your name on them. I think we have some leftover pizza still, too.โ
Your smile was so bright it was comparable to the sun rising. There was nothing in the world that could keep him down as long as you were happy. Eddie probably would have dropped out of school after his second failure if you hadnโt simply smiled at him and told him that he would graduate next year, for sure. He probably only did because you smiled at him every time he got a good grade.
The way you hugged him for a long time after a report card with no Fโs on it kept Eddieโs head in the zone that last school year. And, well, the way your body felt under his when he finally graduatedโฆ
Eddie shook his head, wracking his brain for anything to keep his mind from thinking about that night right now. Thereโs no way him getting a boner while you were still holding on to him so tight would be good.
โI think that sounds like a good idea,โ you finally say after staring up at him for several beats. But Eddie caught the somber look in your eyes. It was going to take a lot of distracting to get you in a good head space.
โYou know, I think we might still have some popcorn, too.โ
After a few drinks, some weed, and a movie and a half later, Eddie finds himself waking up on his couch at some point after falling asleep. The bright, staticy screen causes him to squint his eyes, turning his head enough to bump his chin against the top of your head.
Eddie looks down at where youโre leaning into his side. He vaguely remembers wrapping an arm around you before the two of you had succumbed to sleep. It pains him to possibly wake you but the urge to pee is what startled him awake in the first place, so he does his best to untangle himself from you and sneaks to the bathroom.
On the way back to the couch, Eddie decided to stop in his room and grab a blanket for the two of you. But when he returns, he finds you sitting up and rubbing the sleep from your eyes.
โHey,โ you croak out, looking at him with squinted eyes.
โHey,โ he whispers back. โI brought us a blanket.โ
You stretch before standing up from the couch. โI should probably head home, Eddie.โ
โSweetheart its,โ he leans to check the time on the microwave, โ3 in the morning.โ
Your eyes go wide, hands running over your face. โIt is? Fuuuuck.โ
โJust stay,โ Eddie says, walking over to you and wrapping you up in the blanket. You groan, feeling conflicted on if you should stay and sleep on Eddieโs couch or if you should brave the drive home.
โHey, if you stay, you donโt have to drive all the way over here to get Fae in the morning.โ
โUgh, okay you got me,โ you say, giving in. You sit back down on the couch and start to make yourself comfortable.
โWait, you can sleep in my bed. Promise I donโt bite.โ
That took less convincing as you pop back up, dragging the blankets behind you as you wobble to Eddieโs room. Eddie laughs as you plop into his bed, stealing one of his pillows to make yourself comfortable.
โHey save some room for me,โ he says, walking around to the other side to climb in. He lays next to you, adjusting in an obnoxious manner that has you giggling. You turn to face him and he does the same.
โI love you,โ you say at the tail end of a giggle. Itโs something said frequently between the two of you. Genuine as itโs spoken after years of friendship.
โLove you, too,โ Eddie says with a sigh. Sleep soon takes you both over again. The only sounds that can be heard is the sound of the a/c doing its best to cool down the trailer.
Eddie felt himself waking once again, this time much more comfortably in his own bed. He yawned, shaking a bit as the feeling of waking overcame his body.
The sun peaking through the cracks of his curtains gave the room just enough light that he could see the room with a slight glow. Turning his head, he chanced to see if you were still laying with him. He had a dream that youโd left with Autumn and ran away with Steve that left a sick feeling in his stomach.
Much to his delight you were indeed still occupying the bed with him. Smiling wide as you looked at him, already awake where you lay.
โMorninโ,โ he says in his morning voice, and your eyes flicker.
โMorning,โ you squeak back. As Eddie turns to face you, your hand finds its way out from under the covers and reaches out towards him. Your fingers gently glide across his cheek, rubbing against the stubble as you push his hair out of his face.
The way youโre looking at him has Eddieโs tummy feeling funny, but in a different way from his dream. Youโre looking at him the same way he looks at you.
Suddenly, you push yourself up on your arm, hand still on his cheek as you start to lean in once again. Eddieโs heart beats hard against his chest as you close the distance between the two of you, your lips meeting his in a soft kiss.
It lasts a few moments, and Eddie melts into it. It was a kiss like none heโs ever had before. Not even compared to the last time the two of you kissed before Autumn was born. This kiss felt like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter morning, the warmth spreading to every part of his body as he drank you in.
When you pulled away, Eddie chased after you, not wanting it to end so soon unknowing if it would ever happen again. When you donโt kiss him again, his eyes finally open to meet yours. Theyโre bouncing everywhere, scanning his face as if looking for an answer written on his skin.
โEddieโฆโ
But Eddie doesnโt let you ponder much longer, hand snaking around your head to pull you into him once more. This time more feverishly, the heat palpable between the two of you.
You shift so that you can bury your hands in his hair, and Eddie takes advantage of this to move himself above you. Eddie kisses you into the pillow beneath you, long kisses turning into passionate smacking, poking the fire that was burning between you.
โTell me to stop,โ Eddie says as his lips begin to move down your cheek and to your neck. He says your name breathily, โTell me now, because I won't be able to stop once this starts.โ
โI-I canโt. I wonโt,โ you stutter, hands grabbing at his waist as he kisses and nips at your neck. Eddie breathes against you, body alight knowing that you wanted this as much as him.
โBut,โ you say, stopping him in his tracks. You give him a coy smile, nodding towards the door. โYou better make it quick. You know sheโll wake up at any moment.โ
Eddie huffs out a laugh, โDonโt gotta tell me twice. Better get to work then.โ
Eddie suddenly lifts the blanket above the both of you and disappears underneath it. Soft kisses leave a trail from your knees to the apex between them. Eddie slips his fingers in the hem of the sleep pants he let you borrow, pulling them down with your panties in one quick motion. There was barely any light to see, so he decided to just dive in tongue first.
He ate you out like a man starved. Your thighs try hard to wrap around him as he works you up on his tongue, but his strong arms hold you open for him. Eddie groans at the way your fingers grip his hair, tugging just enough to burn so good against his scalp.
Once he added fingers, you had to cover your mouth with your hand to keep yourself quiet. It was like Eddie knew exactly what you liked, because not long after you were coming undone, riding his face as you did.
Eddie crawls up your body, head resting between your breasts as he pokes out from under the covers.
โJesus, Eddie,โ you pant, looking at him in awe.
โAnd thatโs not even the best part,โ he teases, making you roll your eyes at him. You grab his face and bring him closer to you, tasting yourself on his lips as you kiss him again.
Eddie rolls his hips subconsciously, and you can feel how hard he is as he grinds against you. You want to say you also forgot how big he was, but itโs something you didnโt want to admit you thought about often.
Your hand travels between you, fingers trailing against his skin as you reach the hem of his boxers. Slipping under it, you feel your way to his hard cock, taking it in your hand to pump him. He whines against your lips, hips moving faster in your grip. You watch with awe struck eyes as his beautiful face contorts in pleasure above you.
โPlease,โ he pants out as he fucks your hand, โWanna be inside you. Can I?โ
You nod silently, unbelievably turned on by your best friend for the second time now.
He works fast pulling his boxers off quickly, a loud thwaping coming from his cock smacking against his stomach after getting caught on the waistband. Your eyes go wide as you take in his size.
After almost 2 years youโre still shocked at what Eddie Munson is packing. Those dumb ass cheerleaders that picked the bone head jocks over him have no idea what they missed out on.
Eddie settled himself between your legs, spitting on his own cock to get it good and wet before rubbing it in your soaked folds. You had a moment of clarity, realizing that Eddie wasnโt wearing a condom. You opened your mouth to speak, but your words got caught up in a moan as Eddie pushed his way inside of you.
The stretch took your breath away. Eddie seesawed his way into your tight cunt, opening you up on his cock until he was balls deep inside of you. He placed his hands on either hip and started moving, holding you tight as he worked up his pace.
Every thrust felt like too much and not enough at the same time. The constant knocking against your sweet spot had you seeing stars quickly, still worked up from him eating you out. The pretty sounds that Eddie was making wasnโt helping either, but you still had enough mind to shush him so that he wouldnโt wake your daughter.
Eddieโs pace quickens, and he makes the fatal mistake of adding his thumb to the mix. It only throttles you to the edge for a second time this morning. Itโs not much longer before your vision goes white, toes curling as your orgasm takes over. It's probably the hardest youโve cum in a long time.
โOh, fuck.โ
You barely registered Eddieโs words, but you definitely felt the reason behind his curses. Eddie was cumming deep inside you, balls emptying into your pussy as you were still riding out your own orgasm.
In the moment it felt amazing, but the post orgasm bliss left you crashing as you realized the very real situation you were both in.
Eddie felt himself being pushed by you, taking him out of his own high as he stumbled back on his ass. As you open your mouth to speak, Eddie is hit with a wave of deja vu with every word.
โDid you fucking cum in me?โ The words came out in slow motion and Eddieโs body broke out in cold sweat.
โI-Iโm sorry. I was going to pull out, I justโโ
โWhat? You forgot? Are you kidding me Eddie? Do you not remember what happened the last time?โ
Right on cue, your daughter's whines could be heard from across the hall. You sigh, kicking the covers completely away from you and grabbing the pajama pants you had back on.
โListen, I really am sorry,โ Eddie says, looking at you with big, sad eyes. You groan, unable to stay mad at him when he looks at you like that.
โWhat are we going to do then, Eddie?โ You ask him, walking out of his bedroom to get your daughter.
Eddie sits on the bed for a moment and thinks. He knows that you getting pregnant again while Autumnโs only and a half isn't ideal. Not that you being pregnant is ideal anyway, but honestly Eddie wouldnโt be mad about it.
He was so head over heels for both you and Autumn that he doesnโt hate the idea of another person to love is the worst thing. But heโs also not the one doing all the hard work. And if it wasnโt obvious the first time that having a kid wouldnโt fix any problems, then having a second would probably not make much of a difference in your feelings towards him.
The door opens again and Eddie watches as you enter with a squealing toddler on your hip, clearly happy to see both mommy and daddy.
โMorning, sweet girl,โ Eddie cooes, scooping his baby up and smothering her with kisses, sending Autumn into a fit of giggles.
โI went ahead and changed her. If you want to dress her Iโll make breakfast.โ
Eddie gave you a quick salute as you went to the kitchen, leaving him and your mini me to get ready for the day. It took a lot of wrestling but he was able to get the little one dressed, including hair done, and looking presentable for the day.
Fixing her up in her highchair, Eddie sat at the small kitchen table and breathed a sigh of relief. You shook your head at his theatrics, setting breakfast down for the both of them.
โHey, I was thinking,โ Eddie said, spooning some applesauce into Autumnโs mouth. โAfter we eat, why donโt I follow you to the pharmacy and we can pick you up a Plan B?โ
You quirk an eyebrow in amusement. โYou have Plan B money this time?โ
โHa ha,โ Eddie laughs dryly at your reference to the last time you had sex, the both of you freaking out over having no money. Thankfully Eddie was able to get a good job at Hawkins Auto Body when you got pregnant. He makes pretty good money now considering he was able to get his own trailer. Money is still tight, but he can manage.
โFine, better eat up then, or else youโre gonna have two mouths to feed instead of one.โ
Eddie looks at your daughter, spitting image of him, besides your nose, and smiles. Maybe now isnโt the right time, butโฆmaybe one day.
#eddie munson#dad!eddie munson x reader#dad!eddie munson#baby daddy!eddie#baby daddy!eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x mom!reader#dad!eddie x mom!reader#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson fan fic#eddie munson smut#eddie munson!fluff#eddie munson!angst
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PRISON TOJII (heโs so addictive๐คญ) if heโs so bad then why does he look so good? like thatโs literally my baby daddy yโallโ๐ผ๐ i wrote this kinda quick sorry iโve been so busy yโall
โhey doll itโs good to finally meet you.โ
the words rang through your ears having this be the first time you heard his voice, it was deep and rough his ton was teasing you quietly.
Prison Toji whoโs eyes track as you reach into your bag grabbing a small notebook and pen. Opening the notebook revealed a page already full of questions you were waiting to ask him. oh how cute you are thinking about him so much just so excited. heโs pulled out of his trance when you finally speak.
โhi toji, itโs great to finally meet you tooโ your voice soft at first from your original anxiety about the situation. i mean your just here to meet him for your class nothing more. right? you wouldnโt be here because you love reading his letters telling you how pretty you are. how he wished he could take you out properly. Shamelessly telling you how hard he got to your pictures, but he was just flirting heโs a man in a prison itโs what happens.
Prison toji who finally speaks next the seconds feeling like eternity for him. He doesnโt want to have to sit across a table from you he wants you in his lap sitting pretty just how you are now.
โThatโs a lot of writing in your lil notebook doll, you been thinkin of me?โ this time his tone laced with teasing and smirk displayed on his lips. it draws attention to his scar, you had never asked about it not wanting to push things you shouldnโt, but you canโt help but ask anyways.
โwhereโd you get that scar?โ pointing to your own lip as you looked up at him. a small chuckle escapes him surprised at your bluntness.
โwell youโre quick to the questions today. you wanna get a closer look at it?โ the gawking look one your face giving you away. with a quick nod you were leaning across the table to get a closer look as he did the same to help you.
Prison Toji who stops you with an almost surprised grunt when your hand reaches up to touch his lip where the scar is
โshit sorryโ quietly escapes you as you looked away for a second toji takes this as an opportunity
โyouโre okay sweetheart just gonna get us in some trouble if you do that.โ his lips next to your ear as his breath brushing against your ear โcanโt control myself around such a pretty thing like you.โ
Prison Toji whose pants grow so much tighter when he sees how flustered you get from such a simple comment. You turn back to face him, his eyes instantly meeting yours challenging you telling you to do it, see how far it goes, see how bad he possibly is, and just like a moth to a flame you do just that. your hand grazing where his scar is going to cup his face, it was all so fast you could barely process it. he forced himself forward slamming his lips to yours. shock took you first then you eased into the kiss and began kissing back. and then you remembered HES A PRISONER AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR SCHOOL.
Prison toji whose ready to snap his cuffs when you pull away. leaning into you as much as he could almost whining when your lips part from his. he sees you shocked and guilt ridden with your finger touching your lips
โwhats wrong doll didnโt like it? give me another chance to try againโ his body fully leaning to you practically half way over the table.
โim sorry we shouldnโt hav- it wasnโt bad- just we canโt Toji.โ your thoughts swirling the world is spinning. Could you get kick out of school? what if someone saw? are there cameras in here? why do i still want to? itโs wrong.
โItโs fine sweetheart no one will know, just you and me i know you want more from the look on your face and the way your sqeezin your thighs. donโt even try to deny it.โ
Caught. like a fly in a trap, heโs got you.
Prison toji whose cock jumps when you slide out of your seat and approach him looking to make sure the guards werenโt watching. unknowing to the fact that toji already blackmailed both of them to let him have all the privacy he needed with you. the look in your eyes as you approached was pure lust and need for him.
โyour sure weโll be fine right?โ you say as you lean down towards him
โim positive doll i made sure of it.โ
Prison Toji who finally snaps his cuffs unable to take anymore. grabbing your hips and pulling you into his lap his face clashing with your the kiss is sloppy and full of need. a small sound escaping as he deepens the kiss.
โiโve been dreaming of this.โ
TAGS: @altgojo @nanmiik @kouyoumarryme @imaslothandsowhat @dragonmaiden79 @sircatchungus
SOME OF YALL DIDNT SHOW UP WHEN I SEARCHED IM SO SORRY๐ญ
#feral#jjk toji#i love terrible men#i need him#inmate toji#jjk#jujutsu toji#prison toji#toji fushiguro#toji zenin#toji x y/n#toji x you#jujutsu kaisen toji#toji x reader#dilf toji#oldermen#older toji
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pillow princess | c.sturniolo
โ chris x fem!reader
โ plot; traveling with the triplets, y/n usually shares the room with nick. in a sudden change of plans, she ends up sharing the room with chris. with the unexpected presence of one bed for the two to share, tension arises through the night when only inches separate them.
โ warnings; SHMUTTT, dom!chris, swearing, fingering, grinding, unprotected sex, cum eating, hair pulling, creampie, use of nicknames
โ a/n; this one has so much build up i didnโt even realize so sorry ๐ thank you to everyone who voted, hope you guys love it!
NOT PROOFREAD (sorry)
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โthat flight was terrible,โ i groaned, the boys all nodding in agreement, everyone stretching their limbs every which way.
โhonestly i just canโt wait to get to the hotel, anyway, i call sharing a room with matt,โ nick says, as the four of us wait for your check bags to arrive.
โwhat! why?โ i shoot a confused look at him, since nick and i are always the pair to share a room together, hell we have so many sleepovers, even sharing a bed isnโt a problem.
โbecause you fuckin snore, y/n,โ nick states bluntly, i feel my face falling into offense.
โno i donโt!โ โyes you do,โ the three say in unison. i always hated when they did that. itโs creepy. but iโm confused at this sudden accusation, because nick has NEVER brought up anything about me snoring before.
i say my thoughts out loud โwhat are you talking about? even if i did, you sleep like a rock!โ i retort.
โtonight is just NOT that night, besides we have to be up all day tomorrow to vlog AND film with sam and colby. besides, chris doesnโt mind your snoring anyway,โ nick argues, chris shoots a cheesy smile and a thumbs up at me, i roll my eyes at the both of them realizing this is a losing battle.
โokay, whatever. just donโt keep me up all night,โ i point a finger sharply at chris, since heโs always up until the break of dawn and even then has more energy than ive seen anyone have in the morning.
โnoted.โ
at least weโre not sharing a bed- i think to myself. not that it would necessarily be a problem, but for some reason he always made me so nervous. i dont want to admit itโs a crush, and i dont think sharing a bed with him would help with the aching nerves i get being around him. the thought of the circumstance makes me shudder. best just not to think about it.
โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง
we all go to nick and mattโs room first, just to film some of the vlog. we all explore the room, opening every drawer and examining the snacks on the tv stand, and i admire how plush and soft the bedding is. at least iโll sleep good on this tonight. chris seems to have the same idea as me, gripping on to the top part of one of the beds where it meets the headboard. i canโt help the thought of him doing the same thing but me beneath his body; the idea of it makes me squirm. i shake away the image as my ears tune back in to the conversations going on.
โthatโs a really coolโฆ deck!โ chris exclaims,
โthatโs a REALLY COOL DECK,โ nick mocks him, eliciting giggles from both me and matt, and i almost forget for a second that this isnโt the room iโm staying in, and i try to keep the conversation going as long as possible.
after about 15 minutes of filming, matt hands the camera to nick, giving the outro for the evening.
โgoodnight everyone, weโll see you guys tomorrow when we go explore austin,โ nick says to the camera, then shutting it off.
after our own collective goodnights, chris and i making our way down to our own space. iโm so exhausted i canโt even hear myself think. my eyes linger down the dim hallway to matt and nickโs room. iโm honestly still a bit bitter about the whole room situation, i make a mental note to scare the shit out nick at some point during filming with sam and colby to get back at him.
i unconsciously smile at the idea of it, not noticing chris looking back at me,
โwhat are you smiling about?โ he says with a little giggle, i reconnect my brain to my actions, eyes widening at what he could be thinking about me stupidly smiling as he keys us in to the room,
โnothing, just thought of something funny earlier. it was a pretty cool deck,,,โ i say in a sing- song voice mocking him, he rolls his eyes โyeah whatever, it wasnโt that funny,โ he states, i do a mental cheer to myself that he didnโt catch on to me trying to unconditionally hide where my mind was going to after he said those words; to be fair i WASNโT smiling at the thought of us sharing a room, but considering how i had been acting about the whole thing, iโm not exactly sure how convincing my explanation was.
the door opens and he flicks on the lights, after my eyes adjust, both of us are met with a singular king bed, identical headboard facing the city of austin, i can see my eyes widen in the reflection of the window in front of us.
i feel my cheeks turn hot, and i can see chris out of the corner of my eye glancing at me, also keeping himself silent amidst our littleโฆ situation.
he breaks the awkward silence in the room by clearing his throat,
โgummy bears,โ he starts, placing his bag on the plush white chair in the corner of the room, while i throw mind mindlessly on the floor trying my best not to think about the current situation
โiโll be eating these tonight,โ
โwoah for free?โ i say grabbing the bag from him, also making an effort to cut the awkwardness somehow still lingering in the air.
โno definitely for purchase,โ he says walking around the room, โoh,โ I throw the bag down, now uninterested in the snacks in front of me.
โwhat side do you like?โ he asks, making himself comfortable right in the middle, arms stretched out on both sides, giving me a crooked smile.
cute.
โi prefer the left. but whatever side is fine,โ i proclaim, doing my best to seem indifferent and not give him the impression that iโm going to be a pain to sleep with.
not like that, of course.
โgood answer, i sleep on the right,โ his smile doesnโt break as hops off the bed and rifles through his duffel bag,
โiโm gonna take a quick shower, wonโt be long. put something on for us to watch,โ i nod, and he disappears into the bathroom.
time passes as iโm left alone flicking through channels, eventually settling on a random movie iโm sure neither of us have seen before, this will do. i decide to find some pajamas of my own.
of course, my fucking luck and to my horror, i come up empty on a sleep bra AND shorts. i cant help but physically face palm myself at my lack of planning, but forgive me, i was anticipating on only nick seeing me in a lack of clothing.
i peel off the safety of the clothing i have on, and slip in to a separate thong and a t-shirt that is just barely covering my ass.
iโm so fucking stupid.
suddenly, the water shuts off and i race with myself to get back into my side of the bed to avoid chris seeing me and my shift in wardrobe.
he emerges from the bathroom, and i steal a glance at him, standing there with wet curls and his upper half still slick, highlighting all the muscles visible on his body.
the sight of him makes me heat up just to look at, and i cross my legs tightly to hopefully get rid of the aching between them, and flip my body around to face away, unaware to the fact that my ass is on display to him.
โno, no pants, huh?โ i hear him let out a shaky breath from the other side of me, feeling my cheeks grow hot again, i make my best attempt to pull my shirt down and face him, beginning my ranted explanation.
โno yeah sorry i-i just was expecting to sleep with nick, this is what i usually wear iโm sor-โ
he cuts off my rambling with a laugh,
โyouโre fine, it just took me by surprise, thatโs all. but you should probably move over, i think we should both go to sleep in a little,โ he suggests, i can tell heโs being careful to not fully raise the covers, in order to avoid the exposure on my end.
i almost feel relief that he doesnโt care, but part of me wants him to care. to see him get hot and bothered by seeing me like that. but thankfully, yet unthankfully, this is a purely platonic sleeping arrangement.
โyeah, yeah youโre right,โ i let out half heartedly, letting my eyes travel back to the scene on the tv, but i canโt help but peer out of the corner of my eye and notice how good he looks.
fuck.
his jaw tight in seeming concentration of the nonsense in front of us, hair messy from his shower, his chest slowly rising up down and rhythm and i almost let my eyes wander down his body to the waistband of his pants or even lower, but i donโt dare to allow myself the chance.
โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง : *โง๏ฝฅ๏พ:* โง
my eyes shoot awake, and i prop my arms up to look at the clock a few feet away,
3:24am.
the tv is shut off, and chris is calmly sleeping beside me. i guess i had unknowingly fallen asleep at some point during the movie. i sigh and rub my face, beginning to make my attempt to fall back asleep again. suddenly, thereโs a shift in the bed and i feel an arm snake across my hip and pull me closer.
i gasp and freeze at the contact, not daring to make a move. i feel chrisโ hands squeeze at my hips, and a barely audible groan escapes his lips. my breath starts to pick up when i feel him harden against my ass.
i donโt know if i can take this. he isnโt even awake right now. he doesnโt know what heโs doing.
i quickly turn to face him,
โchris!โ i whisper yell and shake his shoulder, with his hand still holding on to my nearly bare hip.
as he comes to consciousness, he deeply inhales and lets his eyes adjust to the darkness. realization hits him when he quickly removes his hand from me and darts up into a seated position. i can almost see him blushing despite the dark haze around us, the same feeling creeping upon myself for the nth time tonight as we sit in silence, which is quickly broken by his voice.
โshit, y/n, i-iโm sorry,โ he begins, โi was just dreaming and, and i didnโt realize what i was doing I didnโt mean to make you uncomfortable,โ he explains. my brows furrow slightly as i realize the context of his words.
โwhat was the dream?โ i ask, my own curiosity getting the best of me, but the confidence in knowing he was most likely having some sort of sex dream about me makes the lustful side of myself take over.
his head tips back, i can tell heโs contemplating his next words.
โyou. y/n. us. right now. i always thought you were pretty, but you looked so fucking hot earlier, like youโre literally half naked in the same bed as me. truthfully Iโve had feelings for you, and seeing you like thatโฆ it just made me want to fuck you,โ
the last part of his statement is just barely above hearing level, and iโm honestly shocked at his confession. i didnโt think this would ever happen, that chris would ever see me in that way, but i got over that quickly.
i donโt know what came over me, but my actions and words only grew in seduction, and i was now determined to break him.
โsorry, i didnโt hear you, you wanted to what?โ i crawl over and sit myself on his lap, placing my hands on his bare chest, and i feel his breathing and heart speed up.
โi want to fuck you, y/n,โ he says in a single breath, and i take it as a sign to crash my lips into his.
the kiss is deep and sensual, his hands snaking down to my ass and squeezing, causing me to groan, and in response i grind myself onto him, feeling his dick grow hard beneath me.
the lack of material between us causes the wetness between my legs begins to rise quickly, and chris takes no time to comment on the state of my arousal.
โfuck y/n, i can already feel how wet you are,โ he says between sloppy kisses, and one of his hands slaps my ass hard, the other gripping for dear life.
i gasp at his action, and his tongue fully enters my mouth, and i donโt bother trying to fight for dominance. all this new contact with him is already making me feel buzzed.
he flips us around so my back hits the bed, and i look up at him as he grips the headboard, our lips reconnecting in a matter of no time.
his hand gently tugs at my shirt, signaling he wants it off, and i inwardly smirk to myself knowing thereโs nothing between my shirt and my bare body.
i swiftly remove it off my body, and even in the dim light he can see my chest, i purposefully squeeze them together causing him to bite his lip and move down to claim a nipple in his mouth.
i moan at the contact, he sucks hard at the sensitive bud, other hand snaking down to my panties, which iโm sure are now thoroughly soaked.
as if he read my mind, his fingers easily glide between my folds, and i whimper at the feeling.
โyouโre so fucking wetโall for me, yeah?โ he says lowly, those words coming out of his raise even more arousal in me, and the only thing i can do is nod and moan in response as he rubs my clit with his wet fingers.
he moves my black thong to the side, and i bite my lip in anticipation for his fingers to enter me, and he slowly inserts two, causing both of us to moan in harmony.
his lips rejoin mine, but the fast pumping of his long fingers inside me make it difficult to kiss him back.
i feel the knot building up in my stomach and i know an orgasm is approaching fast.
โc-chris, iโm gonna cum,โ i breath out, shocked that iโm withering under my one of my best friendโs touch.
he hums at first, his pace slowly picking up, โcum for me pretty girl,โ he purrs in my ear, i pant feeling the build up in my sensitive nerves release, him continuing to pump as i ride my high through his fingers, now covered in my own cum.
he brings his soaked fingers to his mouth, licking my juices off of his fingers,
โyou taste so fucking good y/n,โ he bring his hand down back to my folds, and i wince at the contact.
โsuck,โ he demands, bringing his fingers to my mouth, and i look him dead in the eye as my tongue swirls around his digits.
the eye contact pierced through me, and i let go of the grasp i have on his fingers with a pop, his lashes fluttering at the sound. chrisโ lips meet mine again, and i hardly notice him removing his plaid pants, palming himself through his underwear and groaning into my mouth.
โis this okay? do you want to do this?โ he asks, rubbing sweet circles on my inner thigh. how could i say no to him? weโre way beyond that.
i nod in affirmation, โmore than okay, i want you, chris,โ
chris smiles and swiftly pulls me to the edge of the bed, peeling away his last layer of clothing. his erection springs up, and i take a deep breath at just the sight of his size, tip leaking precum.
i instinctively spread my legs further for him, and he pumps himself a few times before aligning with my core, wetting himself between my folds.
he slowly pushes himself into me, and the sting of his size makes me hiss,
โiโll go slow okay?โ
i nod and close my eyes, and his forehead press against mine, pushing his dick further. i feel our hips meet and he pulls out almost all the way, before slamming into me.
fuck going slow.
i canโt control the loud moan that crawls from my lips, one from chris, โfuck,โ follows soon after. his pace picks up; wet noises, skin slapping, and loud moans are the only sounds that fill the room.
he pulls himself out, and i prop myself on my elbows and give him a confused look,
โturn around,โ chris grows, and i do without retaliation, sticking my ass far up in the air with my chest pressed against the mattress.
he wastes no time inserting himself back into me, going to his rhythm once again.
chris grips my hips so hard im sure theyโll be a purple hue in the morning, but thatโs at the least of my concerns right now.
โgod, you feel so good. you like bein a pillow princess, donโt you?โ he huffs, continuously bringing our hips to meet at a pace faster than i think i can breathe.
the only way i can respond is through a muffled groan into the bunched up sheets, holding on as hard as i can.
he grabs my hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulls my head up,
โanswer me. you like it, no- you love it, donโt you?โ
โyes, i fucking love it chris!โ i say as i gasp for oxygen, and he shoves my face back into the pillow, spewing praises and profanities into the air.
โi-iโm close baby, where should i cum? โchris says, his strokes becoming sloppier by the second, and i feel him twitch inside me, causing myself to clench around him.
โme too, shit, i-inside me, cum inside me,โ i breath, way beyond fucked out to realize the consequences of those words.
with one last stroke, he releases inside me, and i feel myself become warm inside, both from him and my own cum painting his dick.
we simultaneously pant as he pulls out, and i flip myself over, feeling completely drunk off fucking him.
his body crashes down next to me, delivering sweet kisses to my face and lips, unlike his previous animalistic behavior just a few seconds ago.
โare you okay? how was that? did i hurt you?โ he questions through pants, i giggle at the change in demeanor.
โiโm okay, it was perfect, and no you didnโt. i loved it, chris.โ i say, running my hands gently through is slightly wet hair, some strands sticking to his forehead from the sex-sweat build up.
โi want to keep doing this,โ chris starts
โme too-โ
โbut i want to be more,โ the words leave his lips quickly, and his eyes focus between mine, analyzing my face, searching for a response.
โme too,โ i state again, โbut what are we going to tell nick? matt?โ the idea of telling them didnโt cross my mind, but the anxiety of having to face them about that makes my heart race.
โwe can keep it to ourselvesโ for right now,โ the octave of his voice raising slightly at the end, posing his proposition almost as a question.
i smile and place a gentle kiss on his lips, โwe can do that, but not for too long, okay,โ i say after pulling away.
chris smiles warmly at me, โokay, but we should really go back to sleep. itโs 5:30,โ
i almost get whiplash turning my head to look at the clock so fast, and i widen my eyes at how much time has passed.
โgood idea,โ i reply, shakily crawling back under the covers.
โyouโre sleeping naked?โ he questions.
โyes, is that a problem? you coming back here or not?โ i raise my eyebrows at him,
chris shakes his head; โnot at all, come lay on me,โ he makes his way to his side and opens his arms for me, and i inch my way over into his warm grasp.
chris places a soft kiss on my forehead, and i can feel myself slowly drifting into sleep. i donโt think im going to scare the shit out of nick, my mind thinking of my previous vendetta against him; little does he know he did me a huge favor.
#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#sturniolos#sturniolo fluff#matthew sturniolo#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolo#chris sturniolo x reader#matt sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo smut#sturniolo fandom
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hii!! i rlly like your writing and was wondering if you could do a request ? remus (or wolfstar ) x reader where its like posthogwarts and she went to a diff wizarding school and the wizard thing was hush hush cuz she was a muggle, but then one day she like accidentally uses magic and they were like โ omg wait whatโ and like yeah. anyways pls feel free to ignore this its a very odd request LMAO. thank you so so much for taking the time to read this !!! (im sorry if this sounds weird i dk how to talk to ppl) ok bye ๐ซถ
this was a very cute prompt! thank you so much for your request and your patience in my writing it!
poly!wolfstar x fem!reader who they believe to be a muggle [1.8k words]
CW: fear of werewolf prejudice, fear of muggle born prejudice, I also included a line in French and you can find the translation at the bottom of the work
Sirius knew that they were, perhaps, being a little bit selfish by keeping such a big secret from you.
Statute of Secrecy be damned, they were well beyond the point in your relationship where they could have (and likely should have) told you that he and Remus were wizards (oh, and, while weโre at it, Remus turns into a beast once a month so thereโs that, too).ย
And while their friends all suspected it was Remus who was hesitant to tell you the truth on account of his lycanthropy, it had actually been Sirius who kept procrastinating the long overdue conversation.
But Sirius had to admit that he was very scared to tempt fate, because meeting you had been a complete fluke and he wasnโt willing to muck it up by scaring you off. How many times in one life did someone get the chance to meet a perfect angel?
Sirius had already met Remus which felt like nothing short of destiny, and then they met you, and that felt prophetic. And who was Sirius to mess with the prophecy?ย
โYou cannot chicken out tonight.โ Remus muttered as Sirius rapped on your door, earning him an indignant scoff from his boyfriend.ย
โIโve never once chickened out in my entire life, thank you very much. Thatโs why I was sorted into Gryffindor.โ
Remus merely snorted. โSure, thatโs why this is our seventh attempt at breaking the news, yeah?โ
Sirius refused to look at Remus before banging (slightly louder) on your door once more before you finally opened up.
Gods you were so bloody beautiful; smiling like you couldnโt physically be any happier that your two boys were here, eyes excited and bright and so full of love and fuck sakes he couldnโt do it.
โHey dove.โ Remus greeted for the both of them, seeing as Siriusโ brain was short circuiting on account of your beauty and loveliness, pressing a kiss to your hairline and all but shoving Sirius past the threshold of your door. โIt smells amazing, what are you making?โ
Your smile seemed to grow impossibly brighter at the praise. โA vegetable bake! Itโs sort of Mediterranean, and Iโm making pasta to go with it.โ You explained excitedly, and Sirius honestly felt like he was going to start overflowing with the amount of fondness he had for you.
โYou going to say hello to our girl, Siri? Or are you just going to keep staring at her?โ Remus taunted as he walked further into your flat to place the flowers he was carrying for you in a vase - the routine of bringing you bouquets every time they visited so practised that he knew where to find your vases.ย
โOf course, gorgeous. Sorry for being rude.โ He murmured as he pulled you into his chest and breathed you in. โYouโve got to stop answering the door looking so bloody beautiful; I completely forget myself.โ
You giggled into his chest and then leaned on your tiptoes to press a chaste kiss to his lips that he - the selfish bastard - didnโt find nearly enough before he pulled you into a second deeper, lingering kiss.ย
โItโs good to see you, Sirius.โย
Sirius sighed happily - because really, it was even better to see you - as he shuffled the two of you towards the kitchen Remus was now fussing in.ย
โBeautiful!โ You cheered as Remus positioned the bouquet in the middle of your kitchen island; and Sirius could see the mischief in Remusโ eyes even if you couldnโt.
โJust like you, dove.โ
And, quite possibly one of their favourite sights, they watched you turn bashful as you opted to fuss with the arrangement instead of looking at either of them.ย
โListen, sweetheart, we were wondering if perhaps before we eat, we could chat with you about something?โ Remus decided to rip the bandaid, and Sirius wanted to hex him for the way your body tensed and you looked at him with what appeared to be mild horror.
โOh- uhm, okay, yeah, sure thatโsโฆ thatโs fine.โ You stuttered as you moved to the kitchen table to take a seat, both boys following obediently.ย
Sirius watched as Remus moved last week's bouquet - which Sirius had secretly cast a stasis charm over so that they would last longer - out of the centre of the table and closer to Sirius so that they could both have a better view of you.ย
โIsโฆeverything okay?โ You asked cautiously as you fiddled with the sleeve of your shirt. Sirius wanted to throw up.ย
โOf course, dovey.โ Remus assured you, though it was Siriusโ thigh he gave a comforting squeeze under the table. โWe just know that weโve been seeing each other for a while now, and weโve grown to care about you quite a lot- you know that, right?โ
Sirius watched as the divot between your brows only deepened as you nodded hesitantly. โSo much, gorgeous; we care about you so much.โ He insisted when it didnโt look like you truly believed them.ย
โBut we just, well, we havenโt been completely honest with you, is all. And now that weโre at this point in our relationship, weโฆwe feel like we owe it to you to be honest.โ Remus continued, clearly beginning to feel just as out of his depth as Sirius was.ย
Your face fell completely blank, though Sirius could tell you were still tugging nervously at your shirt sleeve.
โBaby, I swear this isnโt bad, we- I rather think Iโm in love with you, and-โ
But as Sirius went to reach his hand over to rub at your arm in a way he hoped to be comforting, he ended up knocking over the vase stationed in front of him.
It didnโt break, thank Merlin, but it did topple over before Sirius could catch it and the water poured over the table.
Remus went to stand quickly to avoid being soaked, but no sooner had he pushed his chair away from the table was the vase floating towards you and the water completely vanished.ย
Not looking at the boys in front of you, you righted the vase and repositioned the florals to your liking before looking up at Remus who was now standing and staring at you owlishly, and Sirius who was gaping at you from his seat.
โDid you just-โ Sirius started, voice no more than a whisper, but was quickly cut off by the sound of a timer in the kitchen.
You waved your hand in that direction mindlessly before sinking back despondently in your chair and staring down at your lap, the timer silent.
โY/N.โ Remus rasped. โDid- was thatโฆare you a witch?โย
You appeared to flinch as if youโd just realised what youโd done before you looked up; all colour seemingly draining from your face.
โWhat? I-โ You started with a nervous chuckle. โI donโt know what youโre talking about? Thereโs no such thing as witchesโฆโ
But Sirius knew what he saw, the first could have been an accident - a trick of the mind - but the second act of magic was all the confirmation he needed.
Silently, Remus summoned the vase of flowers towards him before charming them to dance to imaginary music, plucking one from its stem and turning it gold before reaching across the table to put it behind your ear as you gaped at him.ย
โYouโreโฆa wizard?โ You whispered in disbelief.ย
At that, Sirius stood and spun, turning into Padfoot and panting excitedly at your feet as his tail whacked against the table leg with every wag.
A wet laugh escaped you before either boy realised you were wiping your eyes.
โOh my gods?โย
โAwe, dovey.โ Remus cooed as he moved over to Siriusโ chair so he could take your hands in his. โDonโt cry.โ
โIs this what you guys were going to tell me?โ You asked cautiously, hopefully.ย
Padfoot melted back into Sirius, but he stayed kneeling at your feet as he rubbed soothing stripes up and down your calf. โYes, baby; this was it.โ He assured you. โIโm sorry we scared you.โ
โSo, that boarding school you went to in France?โ Remus asked with an arched eyebrow.
โBeauxbatons.โ You confirmed with a nod of your head. โAnd your boarding school in Scotland?โ
โHogwarts.โ The two boys chorused, and you all let out a chuckle.
โItโs almost embarrassing that didnโt give it away right there.โ You laughed breathlessly.ย
โSince weโre, uh, being honest about stuffโฆโ Remus continued, trailing off awkwardly as he shared a grimace with Sirius. โIโm also, well, Iโm also a werewolf.โย
โOh.โ You breathed quietly.ย
Sirius held his breath as he watched you consider this before you nodded your head decisively.ย
โIโm muggleborn.โย
Sirius and Remus shared a quick look before Remus let out a disbelieving chuckle. โIs that- โฆwhat?โ
โBaby, are you trading that information like we might think thatโs a negative?โ Sirius teased you lightly.ย
โI suppose it depends on who you askโฆโ You whispered, and both boys softened.ย
โNot us, dove.โ Remus offered. โGood.โ You smiled at him. โThen me too.โ
โIs that really how you feel about it? About me?โ Remus asked quietly.ย
โNo, itโs not how I feel about you.โ You denied. โJ'ai l'impression de tomber trรจs amoureux de toi.โ You admitted shyly, and Sirius couldnโt be held responsible for the mortifying cooing sound that resonated from the back of his throat.ย
He grabbed your face roughly and started peppering you with kisses: โhowโ, a kiss, โdid weโ, a kiss, โmanage to findโ, another kiss, โthe most brilliant and beautiful witchโ, kiss kiss kiss, โin the whole world?โย
You were giggling and trying - not very hard, mind you - to pull away from Siriusโ ministrations when you stilled and let out a gasp.
โWhat?โ Both boys paused.
โSupper!โ You nearly shrieked as you went flying into the kitchen, muttering to yourself in French as you turned off the stove top and fussed with various pots and dishes.ย
โI am so unbelievably in love with her.โ Remus murmured, eyes glued to your form as you danced through the kitchen.ย
Sirius scoffed as he leaned against his boyfriend with his arms crossed, feigning nonchalance. โI canโt believe you were so scared to tell her.โ
Sirius didnโt need to look at Remus to know he was glaring at him; he could feel it.
But he also felt his heart grow three sizes when you turned to look at both of them with a beaming smile and a steaming dish in front of you, completely unphased that one of your boyfriends was a werewolf even though as a witch you knew exactly what that meant. And not only were you unphased, but you were still falling in love with them regardless.
Sirius had admittedly been very scared to tempt fate, because meeting you had been a complete fluke and he didnโt want to muck it up by scaring you off. Because really, how many times in one life did someone get the chance to meet a perfect angel?
If meeting Remus had been destiny, meeting you was prophetic; and who was Sirius to mess with the prophecy?
(translation: I feel like Iโm very much falling in love with you).
#marauders era#marauders au#marauders fanfiction#reader insert#self insert#remus lupin#sirius black#wolfstar#wolfstar x reader#wolfstar x you#poly!wolfstar#poly!wolfstar x reader#poly!wolfstar x you#fem!reader#remus lupin x reader#remus lupin x you#sirius black x reader#sirius black x you#poly!wolfstar fluff#poly!wolfstar blurb#poly!wolfstar imagine#poly!wolfstar drabble#poly!wolfstar fic#poly!wolfstar ficlet#ellecdc fics#beauxbatons
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Iโm Trans and Insane and Iโm doing fine.
[TW Psychosis, transphobia, psychophobia, medication, psych ward]
โAre you sure ?โ she asked.
I remember looking back at her in disbelief, because that was certainly a question I never asked her when she came out.
โWhy do you ask ?โ I say.
โDude, Iโve seen you go into depersonalization so hard you even thought you were a human soul in a robot vessel and now, you want me to trust you when you say that you, too, are trans ?โ
Thatโs the memory that comes back to me as I fold and put in my bag my psychiatristโs note attesting that I suffer from gender dysphoria, NOT LINKED to any psychotic symptoms. Here it goes in my folder with my prescription note, an increase - again - of my anti depressants and Xan, and my endocrinologistโs HRT prescription, increased too - finally.
I go to two separate pharmacies to pick up each prescription for two reasons:
There is only one in this godforsaken town that always had testosterone in stock.
I canโt explain to you with words the look you can get when you give back to back, to someone who, despite not being a doctor, works in healthcare, a note for trans HRT and then a note for psychiatric meds.
And Iโm lucky, because Iโm not taking antipsychotics anymore. Contrarily to what you could think, it doesnโt magically makes the voices and the shadowy people disappear, but it can make a mess of your head pretty bad and my doctor and I both agreed that I didnโt need more damage up here than what I already had. And no, it doesnโt make your delusions vanish magically too: in fact, I was still pretty certain that I was talking to my soul family out here in Argentine telepathically about my mission on Earth, the meds just made it more difficult to understand their voices, but the belief was still solid.
Anyways, Iโm back home with the Hoy Grail I fought tooth and nails to get: a letter from the Sacred Council of Mental Sanity also known as Psychiatry that I was, indeed, a bit delulu, but also trans, and that both things didnโt play into each other. My transness wasnโt a delusion, my delusions didnโt have anything to do with being trans.
Or did it ?
Chicken or egg, you know the drill. Did I have my selves fractured before and one of the piece that shattered my brain happened to make me trans or was I just trans with a shitload of traumas in the back that made me insane ?
But donโt worry, at least, trans people when weโre together, we have each otherโs back ! Right ?
โTransidentity ISNโT a mental illness !! We donโt DESERVE to be FORCIBLY LOCKED UP and MEDICATED and MADE TO CONFORM FOR OTHERโS SENSE OF SECURITY !!โ
Neither do I, RIGHT ?
Oh
Or do I ?
Remember what she said, my girlfriend, right at the beginning ?
How I canโt be trusted about myself when sometimes I donโt even have a sense of self anymore or I have too much selves who fight against each other ?
And what do we say to that ?
Get treatment. Get in-patient. Take medication. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it, youโre giving us a bad name.
Because being trans and crazy canโt exist. Itโs absurd. You have to fix one of these two things. Choose which jacket Iโll wear, and they call it a straitjacket for a reason it seems, so am I queer or am I insane ?
All I know today is there isnโt a universe in which Iโm a trans without any mental illnesses, or mentally ill without being trans. And yet, I canโt tell you how many time I got asked โdo you think youโd be trans if you never got through [x trauma] ?โ. I. Donโt. Know. Iโll never know. And I deserve just as much agency as you get despite being mentally ill. If you donโt believe in that, donโt come yapping about โliberation for all of usโ, but โif one of us is crazy theyโll all think I am too and that canโt happenโ.
No LGBTQIAA+ person deserves to be told they need to be put away, to be cured, to be allowed out in the open only if theyโre deemed โacceptableโ by societyโs standards. And no mentally ill people deserve to either.
No trans person should be going through years of counseling to have the access to HRT.
And I shouldnโt have had to threaten my own motherโs life to avoid being locked in an adult psych ward at 14.
If you ever think, for one second, that these two things have nothing to do with one another, you are far removed from history.
To hear queer people say โyeah but some mentally ill people are dangerous !โ feels like you donโt even know where you come from.
And if I want to say, that me being trans is linked to me being mentally ill, or at least, that both are connected in a way, all hell breaks fucking loose.
So Iโll explain very carefully.
See, when I was young, my mind got shattered into a thousand of pieces I had to try to glue back on. All these pieces of myself broke further more down the line because I couldnโt catch a fucking break. And now, it happens that the final puzzle does not have the same face it had before. It happens that its shape changed over time, for reasons over the control of all of us who tried to build ourselves back. Now thereโs a bigger picture, less pieces, a few other shadows, and me. Built from the shatters. With my own needs and afflictions.
And whoever you are, whatever your agenda might be, I will not let anyone take any agency away from me under the false pretext that I canโt know anything for myself. They say that about children, they say that about minorities, about physically disabled people, about the people they want OUT. And my trans siblings, you know that.
I came out for the first time 7 years ago, to my then girlfriend, who was the one asking the question that is the first sentence of this text. I came out a second time 3 years ago. Been on HRT, had top surgery, had psychotic breaks, got my meds changed, switch therapist.
Because I am trans and crazy. And yet, all these choices I made, I made myself. It didnโt have to be that hard to get the basic care I needed. It didnโt need to be. But it WAS. And Iโm part of the lucky crowd of people who had access to out-patient treatment, who never have been locked up in ward, who managed to stay alive through meds withdrawals without medical assistance when I had no therapist.
Be very careful of when you start to put conditions on the rights you think you deserve. Be very, very careful about your definition of sanity and of how it warps the way you see people. When you start to say โI have access to that, but thereโs people like X or Y who shouldnโt BECAUSEโ, pause and ask yourself what led you to think this way. More often than not, youโll find yourself playing the same mind games as the ones you swore to fight against, and when it gives them the upper hand, they wonโt hesitate to come for you after that.
#lgbtqiaplus#ftm#trans#transgender#mental illness#trauma#tw trauma#tw psychophobia#psychophobia#tw psychosis#lgbtqia#genderqueer#ftx#trans rights#actually psychotic#psychotic disorders#psychosis#psychosis mention#neurodivergency#trans mental health#queer#transmasc#trans issues#psychodivergency#mad pride#insanity#anti psychiatry#psychiatry#actually mentally ill#madpunk
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Having an argument with Max, sounds exhausting. Especially when both of you are stubborn, but guess what? He'd willingly beg for forgiveness if you are still upset with him and avoiding him as a result of the argument
โI canโt do this anymore.โ You whisper, shaking your head and taking a step back.ย
That is what finally makes Max stop dead in his tracks, mouth hanging open with whatever he was going to say next.ย
Youโre tired. You woke up less than an hour ago and the first thing you and Max did was argue. And you really didnโt want to start the day this way, but neither of you backed away. Things escalated quickly and you just canโt do it anymore.ย
โWhat are you talking about?โ He sounds desperate, his chest heaving. Max clenches his fists by his side, like he wants to reach out.ย
You turn your head away, eyes filled with tears. โIโm gonna go see my mother. Weโll talk later.โย
Max feels paralyzed, he canโt seem to do anything but watch you leave.ย
*
Itโs past eight when you get home.ย
The first thing you notice is that the house is lit only by candles. A lot of candles throughout the house.ย
Max is nowhere to be seen, Jimmy and Sassy are the ones greeting you by passing between your legs. You bend over to pat their heads and give them a few ear scratches.ย
The more you walk into the house, the more your heart breaks. There on the table is a big bouquet of your favorite flowers along with a small card with the word โsorryโ written in Maxโs handwriting waiting for you. The table is also set with the chinaware you only use on special occasions, and a few more candles.ย
When you turn around you see Max curled up on the sofa, your favorite weighted blanket โthe one you use when youโre feeling down and Max is away for workโ around his shoulders. He looks so cozy, you want to curl up next to him, but you are still a little hurt and angry from the argument you two had in the morning. Youโre thinking about what you both said to each other when Max stirs, eyes trying to adjust to seeing in the dim light.ย
โHey,โ You say as a greeting, trying not to scare him.ย
Max turns around immediately, surprise crossing his features. โYouโre home.โ
โYes? Sorry I didnโt say anything but mom wanted me to help her with gardening.โ You shrug, leaving your bag and keys on the table next to the couch.ย
โI didnโt think youโd come back.โ His voice is barely a whisper, but you hear him anyway. Max exhales deeply, clutching the blanket tightly around his shoulders.ย
โWhat?โ
โIโm so sorry.โ He blurts out, shoulders slumped. Max shuts his eyes tightly, like heโs in so much pain he can barely have them open. โI shouldnโt have talked to you like that. I shouldโve listened to youโIโm really sorry. I donโt want us to argue like that again, I felt horrible because I love you and I promised myself I would never do something like this.โ You let him talk, to spill everything he has inside of him. โAfter you leftโI wanted to go after you but I knew you needed time. But it made me remember how my dad used to talk to my mom, how they would yell at each other while Vic and I hid in our rooms.โ You are already moving towards him, even before you hear how his voice breaks.ย
You sit by his side, leaving some space between you two, hands itching to reach out and touch him, to draw him closer to you and hold him.ย
โI donโt want to be like him.โ
โYouโre nothing like him,โ You move closer, taking his hands with yours, thumb caressing the back of them. โDonโt you ever dare to go there, okay? You will never be like him, Max. Do you understand?โย
But he doesnโt look at you, he doesnโt say anything.ย
โMax, this is not the first and itโs definitely not going to be the last argument we have. But if we talk about it, if we give ourselves some time to think things through like we did todayโthis doesnโt mean you are a bad person, or that you are turning into your dad.โ You cup his cheek with one of your hands, caressing his cheekbone as you look into his stormy blue eyes.ย
โIโm so sorry,โ He says again, tears in the corners of his eyes. You smile softly at him when he begs for your forgiveness again.ย
โCan you forgive me too?โย
โDarling, youโve nothing to be sorry for.โ
โWell, youโre wrong there.โ You sniff, already feeling the tears wanting to stream down your face. โWe were both wrong, donโt take all the blame.โ Max opens his mouth to refute, but you shut him up with a kiss. Itโs chaste, full of promises, and leaves you with blood pounding in your ears.ย
โDo you forgive me?โ
Max nods, gaze fixed on your lips. โYes,โ He directs his gaze back to your eyes, and you can see so much regret in them. โDo you forgive me?โย
โI donโt know,โ You tease him by pretending to think about it. โit depends on what you made for dinner.โ
A grin spreads across his face and heโs standing up in a second, tugging on your sleeve. โItโs definitely gonna make you forgive me.โ He says, pulling the chair out for you to sit. โAnd if this doesnโt work, I have many other ways to make you forgive me.โ
#๊ฐ๊ฐ ๐ โ verstappen cult files ๊ฑ๊ฑ#f1 x reader#max verstappen x reader#f1 imagine#max verstappen angst#max verstappen x you
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Can you please do something, with Matt teaching the reader how to finger herself? ๐ซถ๐ป๐ซถ๐ป๐ซถ๐ป
"๐ต๐ถ๐ป ๐บ๐ถ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ต๐ถ๐ช๐ฌ๐ต๐ป ๐จ๐ต๐๐ด๐ถ๐น๐ฌ" ๐ด.๐บ
โฅ ๐พ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ : ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐ญ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐ด๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐น๐๐๐
๐๐ ๐๐๐๐'๐ ๐
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐, ๐บ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐๐ (๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐) ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
โฅ ๐จ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ 1 : ๐ด๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ (๐๐๐), ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐ป๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐!!
โฅ ๐จ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ 2 : ๐ฏ๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป
You and Matt have been dating for almost three months now, never done anything really sexual
except the making out between the two of youBut you wanted to try, you wanted to please him, and yourself.
So thats why this happened
Matt, Chris and Nick were just done filming the new Wednesday video, you were in Matt's room.
Sitting there and reading some new book you got, while listening to some music in your headphones.
You saw a text from Matt, "Are you still up?"
You answered with a yes, after five minutes, Matt came in the room.
Locking the door behind him, because Nick and Chris love to just come without knocking.
You took out your headphones when you saw him, stopping the song, and closing your book.
"Hi pretty baby" He came close to you, laying down on the bed beside you.
"Hi" you said shyly, kissing him on the cheek, and he returned the favor.
"Was everything alright with the filming?"
"Yeah, it was, what about you hm?" Matt looked straight into your eyes, smiling.
"Ive been reading and listening to music, for 3 hours straight" you smiled back at him, getting closer to him so you can hug him.
"Yeah? What were you reading baby" he asked, curious.
"Book" you said quickly while blushing.
"Yeah, obviously" Matt chuckled while looking at you.
"Anyways, uh.." nervously you started picking on your nails.
"Whats wrong?" he looked at you worried
"No..never mind,"
"Cmon y/n, tell me." Matt demanded.
"You know..ive never done, uh-anything, sexual.." You now avoided his gaze, blushing madly.
"Yeah, what about that hm?" He asked teasingly, he knew what exactly you meant.
"Neither with myself neither with..you" looking up at him for a second, then you looked away once again.
"Want me to teach you baby?" You nodded.
"I-if you want to.." he smiled at your sudden shyness.
Then he started kissing your neck, leaving open mouthed kisses, here and there.
You whimpered from the feeling of his lips, on your hot skin.
"Gonna teach you first, how to touch your little pussy" he murmured against your neck.
"Y-yeah, okay" whining, when he bit your neck slightly.
"Yeah? C'mon," he said while addressing you to remove your clothes, and you did, first your top and then your shorts.
"lay between my legs." He started positioning you two, your head laying against his chest, and your legs spread over his legs.
"Give me your hand sweet girl" he placed a quick peck on your cheek.
You gave him your hand, his own laying on yours.
"Now" placing your hands on your pussy, "Gonna touch your clit first okay?" You nodded.
"Pl-please Matt" he smirked from your neediness.
"Such a needy baby, having me teaching her how to, touch herself. Because shes too dumb to find out alone hm?" He started motioning your hand with his
On your clit, rubbing slowly.
"F-fuck yes! Please matt" you let out a small moan, when the pace went to fast from slow.
"Shh, im right here, gonna give you what you want" he kissed your forehead sweetly.
You felt your stomach tightening, and you moaned out louder.
"M-matt i-i think" closing your eyes shut, you whimpered.
"Gonna cum? Go on baby, cum." And you did, moaning out his name.
He continued rubbing your clit, you tried to jerk your hips away, from the over stimulation.
"No, no," he slaped your clit slightly, making you whine.
"Now youre going to finger yourself." Placing your hand between your hole.
"Start with the middle fingers first," you started putting your middle finger inside slowly, whining from the slight burning feeling.
"Good girl, now that you're done, start pushing it in and out, to stretch yourself" you started pushing it in and put, the feeling slightly pleasurable.
"Curl your finger up." You listened to him, curling it up, you breath out shakily.
"Feel good, no? Try putting another one." You nodded against his chest, starting to put in your ring finger.
Whimpering from another stretch, you started pushing your fingers in and out.
Curling them up as matt said.
"Good baby, always listening to me." He said stroking you hair.
"M-matt it-it doesn't feel that good.." you pouted.
"No?" How about i do it instead yeah?" You nodded slightly, getting your fingers out of your pussy.
"Give me your fingers babe" you did, confused.
Them he sucked on your fingers, cleaning them up.
You whimpered from his actions.
"Pl-please" he stopped sucking on your fingers, and chuckled.
"Shh, here, relax now okay? Gonna start with one finger" nodding, you spread out your legs more.
He then started rubbing your, leaky hole. Drawing small circles
"D-dont tease" you closed your eyes shut, and whined.
He chuckled at that
"Easy now, here" he now starting pushing his middle, finger inside your cunt.
You moaned softly, from the feeling of his much longer and thicker fingers.
He started pumping it in and out, circling your clit with his thumb.
Your hips started chasing his hand.
"M-more-nghh-Matt please" you needed more, more of him.
And then he started pushing his, ring finger too. Pumping in and out. His pace getting faster.
The room was filled with filthy sounds
Your slick cunt, your whimpers and moans.
And his heavy breathing.
"You gonna cum, sweetheart? Huh?, can feel your pretty pussy. Tightening around my fingers." Matt kissed your cheek after the last word.
You nodded at that, feeling a new feeling.
"I think-i think" you were a whining mess, under his control.
"Go on baby, just let out." He chuckled and pumped his fingers, in and out
Faster, and his assault on your clit getting harder.
You moaned his name out loudly, when you came, for the second time.
"Good girl, my pretty baby, you did so good." Matt praised while kissing you.
He then removed your fingers from your cunt
And licked & sucked them clean.
You whimpered at the sight before you.
"Taste so good baby, gonna let me have a proper taste? Hm"
"Y-yes please Matthew" he smirked at your desperation.
He then, pushed you gently, and laid you down. On the bed.
Going between your legs and spreading them open.
"Ready?" You nodded
He licked a long stripe from, your hole to your clit.
Sucking on your clit, you tried to close your legs, but matt hiked them around his shoulders.
"M-matty! F-fuck feels so good" he started sucking more, from your words
He pulled out slightly and collected saliva, spitting on your clit.
He looked up at you, and started shaking his head into your pussy.
His long tongue doing magical things, that has your legs shaking.
Soon you felt that feeling again.
"M'gonna cum!" He groaned into your cunt.
"M-matt!" You moaned out his name, like a mantra.
Soon after, you suddenly came, hard.
Squirting into his face, you blushed at this
"S-shit matt! I didn't meant to-" he kissed your clit, and then pulled back.
"You're doing this shit again." He bite his bottom lip slightly
"But-" looking at him.
"Not a question ma."
เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป เผบเญจโฅ๏ธเญงเผป
๐ป๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐, ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐. ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐.
๐น๐๐๐๐๐
๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐
#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#chris sturniolo#female reader#nick sturniolo#mega katya44#matt sturniolo x fem reader#matt sturniolo smut
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