#from a young age and his aggressive way of life didnt help. well it helped a lot actually. a lot of people were scared of him and nishikis

[negandarylsatisfaction]

[SUMMARY: Negan takes the virginity of the doctors daughter.]

Smut

Negan and Vivica.

It was always entertaining over hearing the women's stories on their nights with Negan. Being an inexperienced nineteen year old, you loved hearing their experiences. Never having got the chance to have sex yourself you enjoyed the girl talk you would have. None of the women knew you were a virgin and you kept it that way. Everytime Negan entered a room you were in, you couldnt help but simply enjoy the view from afar. None of the women had anything bad to say about him, they all agreed he liked to get rough in bed. Not being one of his wives, you had never been alone with Negan. There were times when his eyes wandered down your body but he never truly made a move. His attention mostly on business or his wives. Negan had never made you a wife of his as you were the doctors daughter. Little did you know how attractive he found you to be.

As time went on Negan noticed how much more you more you had your attention on him. The look in your eyes as he would come into your fathers medical room was something he couldnt ignore. As he spoke with your father of supplies, you stood far behind your father and watched as Negan stood focused with knitted brows, he concentrated on what was being spoken of. Not paying attention to your father speaking, your eyes slowly traced his lips, his jaw line. The leather jacket he always wore was something you loved. Licking your lips you focused on the soft sight of his neck until you looked up and realized his eyes were on you. With a loud gasp you quickly turned knocking down your father's supplies making him quickly turn in shock.

"Viv- what happened?" Your father turned quickly as Negan walked past him towards you, making you freeze.

"Its alright, Doc." Negan suddenly bent down before you, his face close to your legs as he picked up the box you dropped.

"I think Miss Vivica was a little distracted."

The feel of your skin turning hot as Negan subtly acknowledged your eyes on him. He winked at you as he handed you the box back in your hands.

"Thank you."

Negan stared down at you curiously with half a smile before turning back to your father. Their conversation continued as you turned your back to them and went through the box acting as if you had something to do.

"God that was so fucking embarrassing." You whispered to yourself just wanting to leave the room.

Later that night your father took most of the supplies to the storage room while you continued organizing the ones in the medical room. Humming to yourself with your back to the door you had no idea Negan had appeared. He silently watched as you swayed your hips to the music you sang to. The sound of your voice captivating his attention when you suddenly turned and screamed.

"Negan! I-I didnt know you were here. If you're looking for my father hes-"

"I'm not looking for him."

"Oh," your response was low as he made his way into the room.

"So Vivica," he grinned slowly walking towards you.

"I see you've made friends with my wives."

"Mhm, I have."

"Tell me-" he stopped a couple inches away from you, his body so close it was hard not to get lost in your thoughts about him in his very presence.

"What could a young woman like you be talking so much about with my wives?" He raised a brow, a sneaky expression on his face as if he already knew the answer. As if he had already been told you had so many questions about sex.

Sex with Negan in particular.

"Um....well anything-"

"Like?" He interrupted you taking a step closer.

"I...things...I-I dont-"

"Shhh.." he surprised you placing his index finger on your lips watching you struggle to give him an answer.

"I've heard..you've got some questions. Is that right?" His finger still on your lips you slowly nodded. Slowly sliding his finger away from your lips he observed the soft fullness they had before gently pushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

"You know, darling. If you want to know anything you can just ask me. I can show you." His tone was deep and seductive. In shock you couldnt believe what you were hearing. Was Negan offering to have sex with you? Nervously you swallowed as Negan smiled.

"I know it can only mean one thing when a woman...especially of your age has so many questions." He suddenly leaned in, making you feel his hot breath on your ear. The sensation making you squirm.

"You havent been touched yet, have you?"

He pressed his lips together hearing your breathing begin to speed rapidly.

"Let me ask you this....do you feel anything tingly between those legs right now?" Truth was, of course you did. Never had you been more aroused in your life.

"Mmmm....so a mans never made you feel good huh?" Leaning the side of his face against yours you felt him reaching between your legs gently letting his fingers tease you. Your body stood still as you let him touch you, curious as to what he would do.

"I think I'm going to have to do something about that, sweetheart." His fingers reached farther in between your legs, the thin tights you wore making it easy for him to touch you the way he wanted to.

"Negan-" you gasped as he placed his finger on your clit and moved in a circular motion. The shock of arousal and Negan suddenly touching you this way gave you an adrenaline rush. Moaning against him in approval, Negan took it a step further and and slowly slid his hand down your pants. This time feeling the warmth and wetness against his bare skin. He groaned against you, pushing you against the desk.

"Negan...but the doors open." You whispered breathlessly against him but he didnt seem to care and truthfully, neither did you. Never had you felt such an intense build up of pleasure. It felt like it was growing into something else, something else you couldnt control.

"Negan-" you moaned as he moved his hand faster. The two of you breathing rapidly against each other, he could tell you were about to cum.

"Negan wait-" you gasped, almost pushing him away as the intense feeling increased.

"Dont hold it in, sweetheart." Negan held you as you squirmed, your knees falling weak. He knew it was your first time feeling this sensation, he watched it take over you.

"Let it go, trust me." He whispered in your ear. Holding his place and picking you up on top of the desk he felt your body shake and freeze against him . A moan of complete relief escaped your lips as his hand slowed down to a stop. The two of you panting against each other. Was this what an orgasm felt like? You didnt ever recall making yourself ever feel this. Looking down at you he pulled his hand out of your pants and sucked your juices off of his fingers. Negan backed away putting his erection in full view, a massive bulge in his pants.

"Oh-" you whispered a bit intrigued as you pushed yourself off the desk when suddenly your fathers voice made you jump.

"Negan is there anything I can do for you?"

Your father Garry asked as Negan went around the desk pretending to look for something.

"Nope. I dont need anything at all. I just wanted to make sure your lovely daughter here had things in order and things are fucking immaculate in here. Just how I like it." Negan spoke making your father have a look of relief.

"Good I'm glad. I'll be bringing the rest of the supplies to the room now." Your father left the room making you sigh in relief. Negan looked over at you with a smile.

"I'll see you tonight, darling." Leaving you confused he walked past you stopping at the door way to adjust his pants before leaving the room.

Staring at yourself in the small mirror of your bedroom you couldnt stop thinking about what happened earlier. It felt like a dream, the man you had been having so many fantasies about actually touched you. Passing your hand slowly over the center of your womanhood you closed your eyes remembering the way his hand moved. The sound of his breathing, the touch of his lips against your ear. Opening your eyes you remembered what he had said.

"See you tonight." You whispered to yourself in confusion. Just as much as you thought of Negan, he thought of you. He wanted more of you. Negan sat in his room alone and finished jerking himself off, groaning as his cum spilled down his cock. He could've had any of his wives to relieve him but you being the one he ached for, they weren't enough tonight.

Heading to the cafeteria for dinner, you sat beside your father and a few others and began to eat. Negan stepped inside immediately picking you apart from the crowded room. Your heart skipping a beat you watched as he walked towards your table stopping right beside you. His crotch at your eye level, he looked down at you and the others.

"Vivica, I need you to show me something in the medical room that I'm going to need."

"What do you need Negan, I can assist you." Your father instantly stood up making Negan look up at him with a hint of annoyance.

"Its alright, Garry. Your daughter knows her way around the supplies well, you've done enough today." Your father looked at you and nodded signaling for you to go. Negan stood back allowing you to walk ahead of him out of the cafeteria. Your father wasnt to keen on the idea of his daughter alone with a man he was afraid of. Out of fear he did not stand his ground although he knew Negan never hurt a woman. Nervously but excitedly you walked ahead towards the medical room. Wondering to yourself if Negan was going to do what he had done earlier.

"What did you need to find, Negan?" You asked as you turned to him walking down the hall when he suddenly grabbed you and pulled you into his room. Your lips parted staring around the room you had never been in. The sound of the door locking made you turn back to Negan anxiously.

"What are we doing in here?" You looked confused when he aggressively pulled you close.

"We are doing whatever you want to do, darling." The look in his eyes of hunger and eagerness, he had only one thing on his mind.

"Negan, I dont know how-" you stumbled over your own words remembering all the things the women had told you. As much as they may have told you, you still had no idea what to do.

"How about we dont go all the way...you can start off by giving me a taste of those sweet lips." Negan grabbed your neck and kissed you erotically. Moaning with surprise into his lips before letting your body fall into his, you savoured the taste of him. The feel of his tongue swirling around yours as his hand brushed down your chest and grabbed your breast. He continued to kiss you when you suddenly felt him completely rip your shirt open making you scream.

"Negan! What am I suppose to tell my dad?!" You looked down at you broken shirt attempting to cover yourself before he grabbed your face and made you look up at him.

"Did you forget he works for me?" He squinted his eyes looking down at you as he gently push your arms aside revealing your breasts.

"My oh my..." he whispered as he slowly licked his lips. As rough as he was with breaking your shirt, his lips move delicately on your skin. Negan sucked on your breast as he made you fall back onto his bed. The feel of his wet tongue flicking your nipple made you brush your fingers through his dark hair for more. Negan made a trail of kisses down to your belly button eventually removing the rest of your clothes.

The stories you heard of the way Negan worked his tongue you didnt doubt to be true. Negan took off his leather jacket throwing it on the chair behind him before getting on his knees and placing your legs over his shoulders. Moaning at the feel of his warm breath in between your legs, a shiver went down your spine at the first feel of his tongue. He moaned with his lips against you, the vibrating feel of his voice sent sparks of pleasure through you. Never did you think this much pleasure was possible, never did you think Negan would be the man giving it to you. Without you realizing he unbuttoned his pants pushing it low enough to reveal his cock before he got back on his feet. Negan pulled your body up fully onto the bed before leaning in on top of you to kiss you. Distracting you with kisses he angled his cock at your entrance when you suddenly felt the tip of him press against you.

"Negan-" your eyes flung open not having expected him to be fully naked. The look on his face of a smirk with pure sneakyness.

"Relax, darling. Look at me." The voice of seduction and cockiness all in one.

With innocent and confused eyes you looked up at him, adjusting yourself to the feeling of something entering you. Wincing as he entered you, you watched his eyes darken. Never had Negan looked at you this way before, your lips parted when suddenly he gave you one hard thrust forward. With a scream you grabbed onto him shutting your eyes tightly before feeling him begin to move slowly. Opening your eyes you found Negan with a look of intense focus in his eyes. The man was doing his best to restrain himself from using the force he really wanted to use.

"You're so god damn...tight.." Negan looked down watching himself enter you, the skin on his neck and face turned a light shade of red as he breathed heavily. Having heard so much of Negan being so rough in bed you were surprised at the restraint he had on himself for your comfort. He could only hold himself for so long.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Viv- I need to-" he began to slam into you harder making you gasp. Expecting pain you were shocked to not feel anymore of it at all. Instead you felt his full length in you bringing you pleasure to the pit of your stomach. Noticing the pleased expression on your face Negan took rythm moving in a fast motion. He groaned as you grabbed onto his shoulders moaning along with him.

"I should've had you a long fucking time ago." He spoke breathlessly, his lips brushing against yours as he did. Negan brushed both hands through your hair and pulled hard making you scream louder. Now you understood when the women would express the pain bringing more pleasure. The same build up of pleasure you felt this morning, growing intensely within you. Except this time it was bigger, you began to cry out making Negan make hoarse like noises with each thrust.

"Negan-wait its happening again.." you screamed as your arched your back.

"Take it, fucking take it!" Negan growled watching you squirm beneath him as you screamed. He made sure not to stop until you fully felt your complete orgasm. Finally collapsing fully back on the bed you panted when Negan suddenly pulled out and released himself on your lower stomach. His moans were loud as you looked down and watched him jerk himself off. Never had you seen a throbbing cock release so much cum. Negan was lost in his own climax before he realized the way you looked down at his member. Taking your hand he placed it on his cock and had you finish jerking him off. A couple more drops of his cum spilling onto your hips, you looked at it in amazement.

"Come here." He sat you up, his voice low and husky as he angled himself before your lips.

"Open your mouth, doll." Doing as he said you opened your mouth and allowed him to thrust forward. He moaned softly as he felt the warmth in between your lips. He thrusted his hips softly wanting you to suck up every last drop of him. The sensitivity with his intense climax mixed with your lips made him roll his eyes back. He could feel himself about to cum all over again.

"Look at me." He instructed out of breath brushing the hair out of your face, you felt him jerk in your mouth. Suddenly he pushed himself into your mouth deeply making you swallow whatever he had left. Gagging on his cock, you coughed as he pulled out and watched the cum and saliva drip from your lips. Your tongue catching every drop.

"Oh yeah what a good girl."

The look of innocence in your eyes feeding his ego as he knew no other had done this with you.

"You did that, sweetheart." He smiled as he panted, handing you a towel to clean yourself off he looked back at you and chuckled.

"What?" You asked confused.

"I think I just got addicted."

His words making you playfully roll your eyes as you stood up and dressed yourself.

"I dont think your wives would like to hear that." You laughed as he gave you one of his white t shirts to wear.

"They dont have to know, they'll find something to do. I've got a whole lot of things I still need to teach you, V." He stared direclty into your eyes as he buttoned his pants. Speechlessly, you made sure your clothes were properly on you. You couldnt believe you actually lost your virginity, let alone to Negan.

"Well I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did, darling." Negan put on his leather jacket as he walked with you to the door.

"I did. I never felt-"

"I know." He interrupted confidently, he knew this was all new to you. Blushing, you stopped at the door and smiled.

"I better get going, my dad is going to think something and I dont need him getting mad at me." Negan scoffed before suddenly grabbing your face slightly aggressively.

"Hey. Did you enjoy me fucking you?" He asked with a serious expression, his eyes looking deeply into yours.

"Yea...of course."

"Do you want me to fuck you again?" He held your face tightly.

"Yes," you responded softly.

"So then dont worry about it. You're a god damn grown woman. I'm sure he wont get in the way." With a nod you left before him walking out of the room with Negan only to run into your father.

"Dad-"

"Oh hey Doc, I had V here bring me some of the supplies I needed. I had to....show her a few things of how I wanted things done." The slick tone in Negans voice, you knew exactly what he meant. Innocently your father simply nodded and smiled at you.

"Shes a quick learner isnt she."

"Yes she is." Negan grinned as your father returned the smile before turning away with you.

"Oh yes she is." Muttering low to himself he thought of the many more things he wanted to do to you.

[floralkittygambler]

HuskerDust - More Toxic Than You Think [LONG]

This is the rough version of a deeper and more complex subject I want to ‘decorate’ with more ‘screencaps’.  DISCLAIMER: This is allegedly controversial and led to me getting literal death threats and an ED triggered. Ive about heard a lot of people’s shit on this so dont try it. I��m speaking from personal experiences too - experiences I really fuckin dont wanna be sharin yet they kinda validate my points. I want people to be aware of the damaging image from someone who can speak from experience without attracting dickheads or people twisting things. Again, I aint particularly comfortable sharing this so yeah- Be courteous- TW AHEAD - ALSO LONG ASS READ. DNI STANS OR ANTIS. May tag a few folks, may not.  HuskerDust is an extremely popular ship in the community however there’s glaringly obvious flaws in this one-sided relationship that both the fans and even the team fail to see. Neglecting the dangerous real world implications this ship [as well as many others] present to it’s audience - especially the more influenced of the audience, most who are children.

Angel flirts with all the male cast however one who catches his eye the most is Husk. Now I want to point out a few things [of many... obviously]; Angel is instantly starry eyed upon seeing Husk, likewise he actually started off with a ‘Hey~’ instead of something sexual. However he quickly ruins this after Husk tells him to go fuck himself [defined by: “ go fuck yourselfphrase of fuckVULGAR SLANGan exclamation expressing anger or contempt for, or rejection of, someone.” ie, he rejected instantly] by responding with an offer to allow Husk to essentially watch him masterbate. Alongside this, he cradles his face. Husk pulls away and seems to pull a face to express rage/disgust or growling imagery alongside COMPLETELY withdrawing his body away from Angel as Angel stares with goo-goo eyes. Firstly, Angel loves animals - perhaps it’s Husk appearing cute that adds to this, however Im not going to address animal imagery just yet. Secondly, Angel isn’t really portrayed to respect other’s boundaries BUT he does respect... Alastor’s. Al declines the blowjob to which Angel shrugs and doesn’t push this matter any further. With Husk, he’s pretty harshly told to piss off yet he makes quite and explicitly sexual remark, alongside invading his personal space and touching a man clearly disinterested and pulling away. From the initial rejection, it then becomes sexual harassment.  I also want to add that Husk comes with [some] perks in his feline form. And if my name didnt make it obvious, I work with and live with cats on a daily. Briefly, I have been educated in how to understand cat’s language in various individual cat as well as how to handle and work with them. Cats are often drawn towards me and Ive been successful with various types of cats. My most recent being a cat I’ve dubbed as Big - Big was abandoned quite young and has lived most his life on the streets [where I live is high in crime and drug rings, so you can imagine how strays are treated] leading to him being extremely fearful and hating people, hissing and fleeing just seeing people. I took time out last summer to finally give befriending him a shot. It’s taken just under a year of hard work and now he visits every day for his mush [wet food] and kisses, responds to his name and runs up to me in delight. Ive even taught him a phrase to signal that I dont want him or the other cat’s to fight [keeps them all safe and aids them becoming acquainted under supervision - something that’s been working surprisingly well]. I apologise in advance as this is not going to be the first instance of this sort of thing but they are relevant. Trying my best to keep it as brief.  For Husk, I will be using a mix of cat and human characteristics to break down his reactions.  In this first interaction, he turns his body away in a way to suggest caution, wariness and disinterest. In fact, much of his general body language is that of a man deeply closed off from connections - for starters, he folds his arms quick a bit which suggests lack of openness, shutting off and defensiveness *usually*. Likewise, when touched, he slightly jumps and tenses before pulling back in aggression with flattered ears - a sign cats give to display extreme hostility in a situation. It’s NEVER a good thing but then again, neither is crossing someone’s boundaries. It’s even stated that Husk hates Angel’s advances and wishes for nothing to do with him - the same dislike of sexual advances that Al dislikes in Angel. The ending as they all walk inside, Angel turns to Husk, winking and blowing a kiss his way despite the clear rejection earlier. In fact, Husk once again grows tense and is even irked by such a gesture. This won’t be the last mention of Angel totally disregarding how Husk feels - something that rubs off onto the fans AND the team themselves. And it’s... *concerning*, to phrase it lightly. Angel so far is the most persistent towards the most resistant, and in my post on RadioDust I have already established [briefly] on how Angel seems to chase unavailable men. The more unavailable, the more tempting. The one that got away, mentality. It’s not healthy. And I’m surprised so few have acknowledged this. Taking a break from what we’ve seen in the Pilot, let’s establish some facts about the pair.  Angel died in 1947 in his 30s [some posts specify 34-35], putting his birth year around 1911-12ish. Husk died in the 70s IN his 70s [again, nothing is truly specified, so for both we’ll go with 75 - the same number in his IG username] that puts birth year roughly 1900′s. Now an age gap between two adults of 11 - 12 years difference is actually reasonable and can work, depending on circumstance and whether theres a balance in power or not. But when we account for their life experiences and death ages, it’s something else entirely. Angel died young. Not only that but his mind seems more stuck in his raunchy teens than of an adult. And even THEN, he wouldnt be one to necessarily settle down [by which I mean in life, not romance]. He’s extremely emotionally stunted and his selfishness and wanting his own way come off very spoilt [when Husk is pissed off about the cat costume, Angel gets moody because he’s used to compliments AND is dressing to impress Husk. When Husk wanted the money he was rightfully owed, Angel threw a fit for ages until starting to earn it back - even though he owed Husk a drink, which I’ll be coming back to, Husk still wanted the money in the end perhaps hinting to only accepting a freebie as it’s on offer as well as Angel being overly persistent. He even dumps his pig onto Husk to look after, while theres no issue in pet sitting, Angel said Husk ‘owed’ him due to missing the show yet when HE owed Husk, he threw a fit.]. Angel’s life style is wildly chaotic in life AND death, and even though we all know he’s most likely going to be redeemed, he still lacks a lot of experiences in life. He lacks maturity.  On the other hand, Husk’s been through his own share of chaos and heartbreak. Difference is, he’s had a life time of experience. He doesn’t act immature in a childish sense. He truly behaves like a downtrodden old man. He’s had his days and would feel more secure settling down in a more peaceful environment with fun yet much needed calm. A better way to handle his need for risk. Age gaps in adults that are large [75 - 35 = 40 years!] are far less likely to work for a multitude of reasons. The main reason is the difference in life stages - that difference in mentality and experiences plays such an impacting role on compatibility. Often their goals and energies are polar opposites and their common grounds minimal. There’s also the looming concern of power dynamics. Whilst it’s usually the older figure that’s holds the power advantage, in this case it’s a little bit more complicated. I’d argue that it’s possibly Angel with the higher power. This rarely works irl but it’s POSSIBLE. Look at Hugh Heffner and his last partner before his death. I believe she was around 22. However there’s many common grounds, immediate attraction, and similar goals. Though incorrect, Heffner does give off a pimp-like vibe (he’s not but you get what I’m implying with mothlike imagery). Husk does not strike me as that type. It would definitely cheapen his character. In terms of interests, the main thing they have in common is that they like to drink. A bad habit, especially when one is an alcoholic. Both are also rather lazy except for certain circumstances [Husk will go out of his way to help HOWEVER he’s obliged to under Al, the only one he’s seen to willingly help and bond with/be seen with is Niffty. Angel is when there’s a fight, chaos, drama or any sex work]. Both are also rather snarky and vulgar. In terms of love, both suffer intimacy issues. On Husk, it’s ‘losing the ability to love a long time ago’ meaning he was likely cheated on or at least had a failed relationship. If he was ever ready for a new start, he’d definitely want something stable yet rewarding. For now, he needs a LOT of work - work he is not yet willing to put in, nor does he have a reason to. Angel doesnt want to commit because he’s extremely selfish as well as in an already abusive ‘relationship’ already. Sex work is sometimes VERY taxing on the mental health due to some of the folk you service. He’s seen the worst in many and just enjoys the pay and fuck. IF Husk was cheated on, then it’d make a lot of sense if a sex worker wouldn’t be his flavour, it would just serve as a reminder. Not only this, but Angel HIMSELF actively participates in cheating. Not with Val... but with *Travis*. BOTH know Travis is married (I’d be feckin worried if Trav didnt-) yet they still choose to cheat anyways, regardless of the pain it could cause. Angel even mocks this by sending greetings to Trav’s wife. Honestly this... Reminds me a LOT of Stolas - a main character who sexually harasses another character clearly not interested/comfortable, participates in cheating and we’re supposed to root for them (and before anyone gets offended, I do have more to say on Angel’s behalf so please be patient). Either way, it’s very toxic and concerning. Even if Husk wasn’t cheated on, I dont think many would feel exactly secure after having such a rough past with love, diving into a relationship with someone who’s openly participated in multiple affairs. And that’s no shitting on sex workers either, it’s just a point that some would feel uncomfortable with the idea of being with ANYONE (regardless of their work) having actively and KNOWINGLY took part in having an affair previously - especially multiple. Husk’s in an emotionally fragile place and needs more security. We’ve already established Husk heavily dislikes Angel’s advances. In fact, his responses to Angel are similar to his responses to... Al! His body language is VERY test and closed off to even Al, who’s most likely knew him for a very long time. If even Al gets this treatment (whilst also disrespecting his boundaries) then it’ll be the same with Angel (both force Husk into their lives and schemes, both disregard his boundaries). And he’s shown to STILL go out his way to help both however this is most likely tied to an unspoken ‘debt’ he owes Alastor. Plus he’s been mentioned behind the scenes to be a secret softie and protective grandpa type. But this animosity is very reflective of how Loona behaves and responds to Blitzo as well as how both Loona AND Husk (One being a ‘lowly servant’, the other being a literal old MAN) as pets - even the fans - just because of their forms. But this isnt the first of the disrespect they receive. Now we delve deeper Both are addicts of some kind (Husk - drinking, gambling. Angel - Drugs, possibly sex). Not a good mix at all romantically. Addicts often and unintentionally feed their addictions to each other as well as can increase likelihood of relapsing which even a recovered addict can slip back into. When times get tough (a natural occurrence) both are likely to suffer with their addictions. Interestingly, they can become addicted and dependent on one another, which is genuinely unhealthy for a mindset anyways, regardless whether addiction existed prior or not. Addiction only increases these chances. Angel likes confidence in a man (confirmed on Patreon). Yet, Husk is even confirmed  in streams to be deeply troubled and insecure. One thing he hates is his demon form, something that we’ll touch on shortly. Angel loves quality food ESPECIALLY of Italian origin whilst Husk is willing to eat the shit they give you in bars (admittedly that was painful to type as someone who grew up around pubs - either way it’s not exactly high quality or gourmet is what I’m saying). Interestingly, in some character references of Angel, it’s stated that he hates rejection. Hates. That’s a VERY strong word. This could explain but not justify why he’s persistent with Husk (similar to NiceGuys believing you’re playing ‘hard to get’ - further illuding to an immature and toxic mindset) though it interestingly doesn’t apply with Alastor. Odd.  There’s a counterpoint to symbolism in art. A very VALID counterarguement... If it suited Viv’s style. During Media Studies, Business, Design and Art, hell fucking Silent Hill! - I’ve been educated on effective symbolism as well as artistic trademarks (the most famous that most should know is Alfred Hitchcock!). Hitchcock often appeared in all his films, usually as a sidefacing silhouette, trading marking his films with his very PRESENCE. Viv’s seems to revolve around hearts. I mention this because an IG account made the point that hearts were to symbolise anyone connected with Angel’s story and love life (Valentino’s business and shades/collar, heart behind Angel’s head, Heart tattoo on Cherri’s right shoulder, hearts for Husk’s paws, eyebrow marks above natural brows, wings, and nose as well as most of the playing cards). Thing is, there’s hearts EVERYWHERE in all of Viv’s works and such symbology of Angel and hearts is weakened if it connects to the villains/abusers as well - taking away the positivity in a love symbol. Viv’s used hearts in her font, backgrounds, in characters ears, in all her series just generalised, Blitzo’s forehead, background characters, again the cards, Travis’s eyes, Millie’s right shoulder in the SAME place as Cherris. Even Vaggie had a heart tattoo on the shoulder in some christmas themed artwork (on her left). Heart’s is just something Viv seems to brand herself with. And that’s fine though I feel she could do with cutting it down slightly. One thing to early note on the cards (again, this’ll creep up later and my name should tell you why), most are heart suits and usually either a face card (J, Q, K), Joker, ace or 2s. Face cards/Jokers for more details close up (look at the signing artwork) and the rest are just easier to animate, though a little bit of a peeve to someone into their cards as well as the massive overuse of red in Hazbin overall. It’s extremely unlikely to be symbolic. If they change it to be so, then it’s... Weakened. As I’ve mentioned earlier, Silent Hill is an example of extremely clever symbolism in more darker media (more so, SH is considered a ‘hell’ of sorts and does feature religious iconography WITHOUT causing offence. A great example of how to portray this type of thing - they even mix humour in if you consider some of the sneaky references, dialogues and odd UFO/dog endings).  Discussing Viv’s art further, she drew a gift for her sister (original creator of Husk when he possessed white fur) of Angel playfully dragging a disinterested and annoyed Husk (I believe this was still around the time SpiderMoth was canon). The newish art tends to have Angel putting a holly crown on him or sitting on his knees, Husk seeming too lazy to really do anything about it. Very nonchalant. I also want to include some interesting stream arts here and later to further highlight their bond.  A fan asked Viv in a stream to draw them “actually getting along” - this wording implying that the fan is aware of Husk not enjoying Angel’s company. So Viv did, with an extra doodle of Husk being one of the ‘canadian people’ from South Park who sing “Im not your friend”. The art alone shows Husk’s absolute discomfort, even the extra thing Viv added w/o request. As they’re her characters and the fan asked for what they’d look like getting along, to show this discomfort goes to show the dynamic once planned. Husk just isnt a fan of Angel, especially when he’s being sexual and touchy. It can be great for small comedic parts, however both the team AND fans have now crossed this over to really creepy and triggering realms in their ships. It’s creepy and doesnt look good on Angel (who they actively root for) nor the gay community (more on that).

[Yes Ive already pointed out the comedic side of this ^ but it doesnt bode well considering the other points and issues that arise] There’s also a request for drag angel flirting with drunk husk. Personally thats a lil creepy to specify one of the two being intoxicated and thus not able to truly consent. If Angel is willing to flirt with someone in that state, it doesnt mean he would fuck them, but it does feel the fan was thinking that’s the case. In all truth, I think Angel WOULD flirt with those incapable of consent purely to swindle or pickpocket. I’d like to think [and HOPE considering his own abuse by Val] that he’d never take it further. And I hope Viv, the team and the fans see how incredibly creepy that thought is. I’ll give benefit of the doubt though it is still a concern. Either way, Angel appears... Annoyed? Husk is completely turned away and seems incredibly grouchy and confused. This shows yet more rejection on his behalf as well as Angel’s response to being rejected, which highlights his immaturity towards it. Remember, he’s USED TO and EXPECTS everyone to want him (even saying this in the Pilot). Hell, there’s even a Rich Vaggie request where Viv again randomly includes Husk. This time, he’s faced towards her and relaxed, though seems unimpressed and overall disinterested in this type of behaviour. Behaviour and interests of Angel [Celeb status and rich appearance due to Val, despite getting very little of the cut and the vanity, as well as Husk just not giving a shit about this sort of peacock display]. (Also wanted to note in Viv’s #3 stream 1:50:50, Faust makes out that Husk is a ‘dirty, creepy old man’ as well as him constantly threatening violence towards Angel. I dont see him as *creepy* in this context - as it implies perversion that he blatantly lacks fortunately - though it’s very telling of how Husk feels and again shows this toxic relationship).

/Angel’s Type: First off, daddy issues. He has them. Now let’s look at ‘daddy’. Henroin is shorter than Angel, dark fur, grumpy, old, wears only a hat and tie, big brows... Sounds familiar? Ok, look at his brother Arackniss. Similar to Henroin, dark, short, grouchy, bullied by and bullies Angel, is adverse to Angel and overall possess a bad relationship. Ok.... His main client, Travis! Short, dark fur, moody, Only wears hat and tie, drinker (shown in stream as request so take drinking with a pinch), similar face to- Is no one else seeing this trait? Angel seems to go for these shorter than him grouchier men who either want him for sex or hate his presence. Men who are like his dad and brother. All of these guys are far too similar, and we’ve got enough men in suits, bowties and sharp teeth in this show to boot as it is- The psychology of this type of attachment is rooted in a bad familial relationship alongside the subconscious desire to repair or compensate for it. Unknowningly the person will keep seeking out this sort of guy who isnt good for them to fix this internal issue. The resolution is to NOT go for these types. It’s also connected to intimacy fears, by going for those you know arent good for you/right for you/interested in you is often the manifestation of these issues. Pair them with daddy issues and it’s a disaster! There is science to back this up. Valentino is interestingly the opposite yet still toxic issues arise. Why? Because he’s going from one extreme to the other but with the same mindset. Neither of these men or types for MANY reasons are right for him. And visa versa. Seeing a pattern? ~~~~

Angel w Husk? I mentioned before that Husk hates his demon form. If you’re an old man, a gambler, some Vegas bloke and have this grouchier disposition, why the fuck would you want to look like an oversized pet? Exactly. Angel however adores his own aside from the feet. Now I find it strange how the guy we’re rooting for just so happens to like his own form which was intended for punishment. But that’s not todays post. I said earlier that Angel is heavily fixated on Husk’s appearance. Especially the feline aspects (calling him Husky and Kitty - petnames he hates that also treat him again more like a pet than a man -, dressing as a ‘sexy cat’ to appeal to him which can come off as more mockery. This is even backed up by fans who seem to think an old guy’s gonna act like some school girl anime trope?). All of this completely disregards and disrespects Husk’s feelings and perspectives. Something the fans and team take part in actively. Angel - whether you want to hear this or not - is SELFISH. When Husk ‘owed’ him for missing the show (babysitting Fat Nuggets), Husk begrudgingly fulfils this. The second Angel owed Husk for stealing drinks, Angel threw a hissy fit. The silent treatment, going to other bars and posting about it whilst complaining (again focusing on Husk being ‘cute’). Trying to cop out of it by buying Husk a smoothie (though it looked like a date, lets be real, do you REALLY have to bribe someone to date and be around you? No) and even then he still had to owe the money which was more of Husk’s concern. Yes he did in the end and more money than needed, hence the returning of the extra cash, but that is no excuse for the childish behaviour prior. He’s much too accustomed to being adored and pampered and getting his own way that he cant grasp when people arent a fan or willing to pamper him. If they make them a ship, all it does it make Angel completely into a shitty Gary-Stu that everyone loves and pities for his suffering, rather than teach him to grow, earn his redemption and confronting his own toxicity. Let me make this extremely clear: ANGEL DOES NOT DESERVE ABUSE OR RAPE. But when he starts behaving as shitty, he’s hard to root for. Remember, he’s sexually harassing all these guys, with Husk getting the brunt of it. But it’s treated as a joke for them and only taken seriously for Angel. Val abuses all of his employees. He abuses VOX and even THAT was mocked by fans and staff. It’s... It’s frankly gross.  In every interaction Husk has with Angel, his body language is closed off, tense, uncomfortable, turned away and hostile - look at the IG. He wont even allow Angel to touch him. Compare this to Niffty, who he’s fine with taking pictures with and letting her hang around and touch him. Body language is relaxed (relaxed shoulders, open body language) and he doesnt look hostile at all. What does Angel do? Always tries to get close to Husk (such as sitting as close as possible during Poker) and forces both his OWN hobbies onto Husk (ones that Husk shows a strong disinterest in) and Husk’s hobbies (Poker). It’s very FORCED and not natural. Going back to immaturity, he blames Husk and his cards for being shit at the game. They’re always bickering, insulting, fighting in the comments but fans only see this as a ‘cute couple fight’ or Husk being ‘tsundere’.Tsundere. An anime trope often used in young characters. Irl tsundere is NOT this dramatised. The tsundere you see in anime, apply that irl and you get the recipe for the most toxic, petty and immature relationship going. You get constant fights, unease, not feeling loved/appreciated, little trust - the list goes on. Plus an old bloke really isnt going to indulge in tsundere traits. It’s childish. After his history with love, I doubt he’d be up for games and messing about. For something meaningful, he’d just want open honesty. Their ‘relationship’ feels like it’s written by horny kids attempting a fanfic after being inspired by 50 shades and twilight (both show toxic relationshiiiiiips~). The worst is that these are adult writers trying to portray some realistic yet sensitive topics. This is just ill fuckin taste. Even the warnings in Helluva’s ‘Horny Demons’ leaves a bad taste when the fans are thinking Stolas is the best dad despite both parents ruining Octavia’s mental health. Despite the next day after that episode aired Stolas starts flirting with Blitzo again on IG. Despite Blitzo being clearly uncomfortable and sexually harassed and even co-herced into sex (VERY UNHEALTHY MESSAGES HERE). Viv herself has been in bad relationships so how the fuck she’s blind to this and even borderline fetishizing this sort of behaviour that everyone seems to play off as ‘Awwww cute tsundere <3 BOYFRIENDS BOYFRIENDS BOYFRIENDS’ is abhorrent. I’ll go into this more later on how this really just... It treats male sexual harassment and assault as a fucking joke- Angel’s constant unwarranted flirting is no different from the freaks on IG that send dick pics to underage kids and random women in their dms and fathom that they’re ‘nice’ and have a ‘chance’. Wanna know the creepiest? The candid photo of Husk on Angel’s wall. Something Husk seems horrified about. It’s fangirlish and teenager like at BEST, and obsessive stalker at worst. He’s NOT respecting Husk’s boundaries or feelings. That’s still up despite Husk’s reaction. He still wore the costume despite Husk’s feelings. Angel’s thinking with his dick and it’s such a fucked up message that everyone seems to support just because ‘its FICTION. Theyre in HELL.Theyre BAD people.’ Yeah? Well look at how that’s effecting and warping reality and perspective. It’s glamourising it. Fetishsizing stalking and making it cute. Yer have celebrity or boyband or whatever youre a fan of pics on your wall. NOT your crush. NOT someone who clearly isnt interested or happy with this. If someone who kept commenting on your pictures “sexy” suddenly had a picture of you on their wall, what would YOU think? How would YOU FEEL? Because myself and my own sisters have been in VERY fucking similar situations and it’s traumatic. His paw is even attempting the lens - Angel is crossing his boundaries and not getting the message that Husk doesnt want this. He’s forcing himself onto Husk. Yknow... VAL forced himself on Angel and it ended up in numerous rapes. Angel hasnt raped Husk, but if he wont take no. If he wont respect boundaries. If he only wants Husk to do what he wants but throws a fit when he owes husk - he’s picking up on Val’s bad habits more and more. How are so few - even the very team creating this - not seeing how disgusting this is? Are we only supposed to give a shit if Angels hurt? If so, the message isnt so much of how despicable Val is but how awful it is to upset Angel. Fans constantly blame Husk for being grumpy, annoyed at or rejecting Angel. Look at this real world implication. Not only that but Angel being gay just reinforces one of the worlds most disgusting and inaccurate stereotype of gay men being sexual predators and forcing men to have sex whether theyre comfortable or not. MOST gay men arent like this, and those who are its just because THEYRE shitty people (Jeffree fucking Starr, but look how people ‘stan’ his fuckin behaviour). Val is rubbing off on Angel as much as fiction has a MASSIVE impact on reality - whether we’re willing to admit it or not. Like Val, hes pushing past boundaries, he’s selfish, hes more into visuals than anything else. It’s one sided, superficial and theres no click. No connection. Be in this situation yourself and seeing this sorta shit becomes second nature to stay alive. Angel even says that most of hells residents are ‘ugly freaks’ yet finds Husk cute. It’s all LOOKS. Who else likes appearances alone? Val. I know this will trigger and upset fans, Ive been told to fucking die and have my ED triggered when I mentioned it before. But accept that all of them have flaws. Everyone irl have flaws. But there’s flaws and then theres a fuckin crime. If Husk was a woman, more people would see the flaw, but even then... Look at many romance movies - not all but many go for opposites attract (science proves this inaccurate irl), stalking, or even sexual harassments and assualts but she falls for him and they end up together. That aint love thats Stockholm with extra steps. Think you’re triggered and upset? Go through this shit - have a history with it happening - and then see some show you love and a comfort character get treated the exact same and everyone JUSTIFIES it, including the team themselves. It’s NOT cute.  Part 2 to the previous point: Both do share common interests, but it’s very unhealthy such as excessive drinking, both being addicts and being rather lazy, etc. Otherwise the common ground just isnt good. They’re opposites that really dont compliment each other. (Not a valid point here but I find it interesting how Angel loves aquariums and Husk can fly too). Viv’s writing is mediocre at best (but with glowing potential - a diamond in the rough - hence why it’s so frustrating) but Husk’s writing is the laziest. According to Viv he’s (paraphrased) “easiest to write... doesnt care about anything, almost always grumpy leading to similar reactions to everything”. His voice and alcoholism even has a lot of inspiration from Rick Sanchez. As I said with Angel in the RadioDust post, it’s almost like the addictions are seen as a joke. A running gag is fine if you can play it off well and it’s not about something so serious EVEN MORE SO when the series is about how damaging the addictions are and redemption. Why is this end goal being ignored unless it’s about Angel himself? That’s not just favouritism or bias, that’s also heavily self indulgent and a backwards ass message. Right now, Hazbin and Helluva have this ugly fixation on sex and ships. VIV has a fixation on ‘horny demons’. Her main characters are incredibly sexual bar Al (dont even say Husk, Niffty, Charlie or Vaggie or even loona and Moxxie are even on par with the focus and treatment Val, Angel, Blitz and Stolas are given). It’s very fixated and concerning. Its starting to feel like it’s about to divulge into hentai than a legit series with even a hint of the plot or a message. It reminds me of Family Guy trying to be BoJack. It’s starting to remind me of fucking Sausage Party and the final orgy. Sex and swears makes it inappropriate for kids but that doesnt make it adult or mature, and this is coming from someone who swears more than a fucking sailor whos stubbed his bare pinky toe on a fucking crate corner. Constant swears arent funny or artful in the slightest when it’s over done. It’s just... childish adult humour. We cant be expected to want to root for any of them at this rate- All A24 and other companies are seeing is big cash and easily manipulated child audiences (for easy money). They KNOW it can be better but theyd rather be lazy as they’ll profit big either way. This is going to end up like YanSim and YanDev. Amazing potential, shit writing with a leader too stubborn to accept and act on criticism, seeing it as hate. At this point, Husk isnt a deeply troubled man with vices and interests. He’s just fuck candy and romantic end goal for Angel. To compliment and complete him. Just another accessory to the Angel Show. Vivs sister who made Husk even loves Angel so it’ll only serve to further this already toxic narrative.  The ship doesnt look or feel right. There’s too much established now to see the dynamics and favouritism in the creators. Self indulgence. You cant play favourites when you do this sort of thing professionally. The audience can see it and it turns people away. Ask any nonHaz/Helluva fan what they think and it’s... Well, average.  Another thing is everyone went full hype on Frozen focusing on something other than romance as a form of love. But then go back to “Ok now everyone reenact the final scenes of Sausage Party” afterwards. Not everything is sex and romance, and it really is starting to feel Viv and the fans are focused on that like Incels focusing on ‘chad’. It’s creepy. Helping with food, telling someone self conscious on their weight that they’re not fat, not taking more money than someone owes, even helping out with a pet - that’s something that a good friend would do. In fact, Husk even laughs at the goofy Angel cutout and it being destroyed. It doesnt instantly equate to wanting to fuck. The fact that the fans and even some of the team seem borderline horny is... Completely destroying this show, it’s message and everything about it. Viv said ships were hardly the focus in her stream but look at it now. Look at what Viv focuses on now. It’s just fanservice shit. Nothing more. Self indulgence shit, look at the team making rape into a fetish or shipping themselves publicly with the characters on the public IGs. It’s like watching children run a business and it’s painful because the entire series is suffering when it could be amazing.  Friendship should be more normalised as a valuable type of relationship just as much as love or family are. I’ll also add that Husk adding after the show “Oh fuck... Is this what I missed? Shit.” is ooc like the ‘date’ (that was compensation for stolen drinks, like a tamer version of Blitzo fucking Stolas for the grimoire). It contradicts that he slept it off rather than an attempt at staying awake, as well as calling it a “god damn peepshow” implying a repulsion to the peverse tendencies. The constantly commenting, following and posting Angel related pics makes little sense either from someone who’s blatantly been sexually harassed as well as the clear repulsion of the candid pic on the wall. He outright rejected Angel. What would be realistic are the IGs focusing on learning about the characters, their lives and interests - ALL updating at realistic paces. Old men arent tech savvy usually nor care for social media that much. He’d post drinks, gambling, casinos, life with Niffty and Alastor. Heck maybe a picture of Angel captioned “When will this guy leave me the FUCK alone?”. He even only seems to tag angel, even in the pic that had Charlie and Vaggie [their shared account] or Niffty. Theres a CLEAR bias in the staff room and it’s messy. Look how most the female cast is ignored (Vaggie/Charlie, Velvet who posted a birthday gift to one of the new artists on the merch WHY? Gasu btw, Niffty, Millie only posting twice - heck even Vox and Loona sometimes get neglected. CLEAR. BIAS.) The ships focused on are 1) NOT established canon yet publicly favoured by Viv and the team (Stoliz, HuskerDust, VoxVal - that last pair havent actually got a VA either-), 2) Are TOXIC and theme around abuse or sexual harassment but it’s ‘cute because gae’ - NO. This makes gay people look really bad when they’re not. 3) HD and SL focus on one sided, stalkerish, cop out ‘tsundere’ excused ships to sugar coat the creepiness which only further fuels bigotry, 4) SL has MERCH on it now, so thats also profiting on sexual harassment imagery (again, dont give a shit they arent real - the EFFECTS are. The people who can relate ARE. The people being horridly stereotyped ARE). Thing is, the IGs originally were there to promote ADDICT which started as a fan song anyways despite everyone saying how Viv is stubborn in her ways an uninfluenced by her fans (proof says otherwise) yet shes allowed a fan song to be canon. Theres a focus on forced love for fanservice. The IGs have long outstayed their welcome. The Val account allows glamourisation of the sick shit Val does AND entinses fans to bully as they forget a REAL PERSON runs the fucking account, Val isnt even a scary villain either - hes just a big teen like everyone else - stuck in a teen drama with all this. Pimps are smart. Theyre scary. Theyre masters of manipulati- HOW DO THEY NOT DO THE RESEARCH?! Viv wanted this sense of realism and dealing with sensitive topics in one of the worst executed ways Ive ever seen- It’s toxic. It’s dangerous. These are shit messages and your fans display that when they think all criticism is ‘hAtE’ and actively bully real people w REAL EXPERIENCES. Telling them to ‘stop pls’ does fuck all because you still promote shit messages straight after. Like with Stolas to Blitz in a IG story a day after Ep 2. Classy.  Fanservice seems desperate to keep these fans (rather than market correctly... Just like YanDev) and it leads to fans feeling like they have the audacity to steer the series. Poor business with WEAK boundaries. Viv, you lost your series a long time ago. Want it back? LISTEN TO LEGIT CRITICISM. Stop surrounding yourself with yes men. Even my best fucking friend calls me out when Im out of line because a real friend will fucking take the chance of hurting your feelings if it means helping you in the long run and grow.  Mick joked about the inside of Husk’s ears matching Angels coat, that the ears are cat’s most sensitive and vulnerable parts. 1) Cats vulnerable part is their tummy - hence why you need their trust first (alternatively yer get the odd cat that has full confidence they cat hurt you a lot faster than you can tickle them - I own one), 2) Its weird that Viv doesnt know this considering how many cats she has - its important to learn the language of those you love to give them your full understanding and a great bond 3) This romanticises sexual harassment more than it already is in the media (remember, theres women out there still murdered for saying no!) as well as reinforces the stereotypes of gay men forcing non-interested men into sex (again, a very toxic and unrealistic trope - a dangerous one thats led to gays being murdered!). And the ears design is unnecessarily overly complex considering those fuckin wings he supports. If the design adds nothing to the character but aesthetic, then it can go on the chopping block. Rules for simple animation. Besides from Angel sharing the same tooth as Val (who knows if that was added after he started working for Val as branding?) you could use this argument to say Pent or Al are soulmates for Angel because of having striped suits, or sharp teeth - no, it was intended as a joke that Viv fueled to irresponsibly because it’s not the first time she’s dodged publicly addressing something (something youll NEED to get used to in a big company), and she’s publicly dodged shit after this too so Im not putting faith in her until she can act professionally as the job requires. Likewise, professionals should consider what and how they joke as they’re presenting an image of a company/business. And people WILL eat that shit up face value regardless. In her stream #2, a fan requests for art of flustered angel and smug husk to fuel their ship. at 2:10:21, she does so. She’s also done this for Baxter x Niffty and Cherri x Tom. As a professional, you really should be avoiding this sort of thing in the name of fanservice. I get it, fanservice = financial gain. But it also results in empty meaning. It’s a shell of what the passion project once was, hence why you make the ENTIRE skeleton before involving others. The team help construct the muscles, tendons and organs. The public - moreso critics and the more experienced in those fields help sew the skin. Then you bring it to life, the fans become like blood. They aid to keep it alive. Even Ash and Mick mention Husk being ‘tsundere’. Im had most my piece about it earlier, however I’ll repeat and add some extras. Tsundere is an exaggerated personality, often used in younger characters. In terms of a relationship, it’s very immature, leads to poor communication and results in a toxic love. Science can back this up as well as the lack of realism. It’s more immature minds/hearts that go to what they interpret as tsundere in hopes of the love life the media portrays. A farce. Y’know what Angel needs? Someone open, honest, open to love and comforting. He doesnt need someone rebuffing and him chasing. It’s nothing more than an immature thrill. Once the love begins, it’s burns out QUICK. It’s far from sustainable or healthy. It’s not what either really need and further show Angel’s fixation on men who subconsciously remind him of his father. It’s not healthy. Another thing is a tsundere actually IS interested but shows it in the most immature and childish means possible. Would a really old bloke actually give a shit to play those sorts of games? No. Not one coming from a place like husk has. It’s painful how lacking in research and experience these people are. Science backs up that opposites solemnly attract also. In fact, they often either repel or only get as far as friendship.  Fan and Team Mentality in Brief: Im coming out with my ultimate pet peeve: if you’re going to have one of the MAIN characters be a gambler, do your research. The only background shit is a casino, LOADS of sex references (in Pride? Really?) and drugs. It’s like someone listing what they think is adult and tabboo and naughty. It’s yikes. Cards are almost always aces, 2s or blank. MOST are heart suits (like we need MORE red - we get it, it’s hell. But it’s an immature larvae stage hell). I get 2s and aces being easier to animate, however you have Husks wings, the entire of alastor, angels arms - if youre busting the budget for the menial then bust it to the cards. Theres like ONE spade. The full house isnt a full house (here’s a display of the fans lack of education on the matter as well which serves as a sure sign that they know just as little on any of this as SpindleHorse, they think it’s a sign on him being a card cheat. A card cheat. I aint saying hes not but what I AM saying is poker professionals are some of the most observant people in the world. Especially when money’s involved they’ll ensure youve got your facts right. That wouldnt fly at ALL. But theres more~ fans think Husk spent loaaaads of time staring at angel’s face in the IG poker out of <3 Newsflash. When you play poker you read EVERYONE like a book. Every little twist and twitch of the features. Its not about love. It’s about winning. Its about money. Play enough poker and it’s instinct if you want to actually play decently. Call bluffs. Life aint a fuckin romance.) And playing Poker at a BlackJack table? In a casino? These are all common knowledge and basics if you just research. And this is coming from someone with a history of this.  The fans even believed Tipsy Bartender’s ‘Peach Princess Cocktail’ was something Spindlehorse made as a beverage form of Niffty, Angel and even Charlie because of the name. Now, Im not expecting everyone to be a fuckin boozy either, but to not even consider it’s a very real drink does show that many fans are far too young for that 18+ label.  Fanart of HD often has Husk being OOC OR being held hostage (often via webs - one even being reblogged by Viv, aint that cute!). Some even have Husk completely intoxicated, which would be rape. Im not sugarcoating it. Because too many are getting the sweet treatment and copying Viv’s ‘dont address and it disappears!’ tactic - A LOT of internet celebs do it. The ship is drawn a lot by the team in the public eye, Viv reblogs it publicly (SL, HD, alongside canon only ships, how curious-). Husk is pan yet doesnt behave as the stereotype. And Id FULLY support this with my fucking SOUL (fun fact: you cant sell a soul. Thats myth to scare people-) if it was done correctly. But the way bisexuals, lesbians, gays and aces are portrayed so stereotypically (even Pan in terms of Val’s sexomania), it’s really REALLY uncomfortly coming across as Husk being pansexual JUST to make him an ‘option’ for Angel. Hell even the hets are given a shite representation. Some art btw has husk tricked into a kiss. Cute, we’re really starting to like blurring consent aint we? Remember, Angel has celeb power in his world. In the real world, he has a following. HE has the power in the ship massively. Hell, fans JUSTIFY Angels behaviour and absolutely rip Husk a new shithole if he fuckin even so as to DARE OPPOSE ANGELS MUCH DESERVED LOVE! - sarcasm because I have to make that shit clear now. Fans dont care about Husks feelings, he wasnt even popular until this ship started to explode. Y’know what would be cool and break stereotypes? An old straight white guy actually accepting his friends sexualities. The pan thing feels really fucking gimicky and exploitive and gross based on the history of all this shit. It feels disingenuine. Representation doesnt come from it just being there. What next? Katie whips on blackface to further show shes a bigoted knobhead whos white and straight? Dont get me wrong, Katie’s an arsehole but theres other means to show this rather than ALL HETS HATE THE BIG GAE. They dont. They really dont. But hey, we’ll show a gay man sexually harass every guy and root for him! NO. Thats fucked up. It makes gays look like the predators theyre not. It’s like the fucking 50s with modern tech - is that the real identity of Vox? Fuckin maybe. WHAT THEY NEED - FUCKING FINALLY, ITS THE END IVE BEEN ON THIS SHIT FOR DAYS WHILST SICK LUCKY ME EH? CAN YER FEEEEEEEL MY TIREDNESS OF FANDOMS AND CREATORS EXCUSING SHITTY THINGS FOR CLOUT, MONEY, FAME AND OTHER DUMB SHIT? IF YOU CANT, THEN WHAT THE FUCK, AND OTHER NEWS: Right. Lets get our main shit. Compatibility between the pair is really low - lower than even the team seems to see. And yer old fart of a Hag here’s gotta use my personal suffering as an example because thats what the cool kids do, right? Their friendship compatibility is high. VERY high. But low for love. HEALTHY love. In terms of convo flow, it only has a river when insults are flying, otherwise Husk actively cuts Angel short or outright annoys him. In reality, someone like Husk would gross out Angel, but the cute cat look can turn that the fuck around - JUST the look. Fans and the team oddly think it’s cute though. Yes, I remember being negged at the bar and thinking “BOY arent my pants flooded like the fuckin planet when the ice caps are melting”. There’s no click. Theres infatuation and lust one sided based on looks. Husk isnt even remotely interested and no means delayed yes apparently. Angel as a rape VICTIM should know better than to blur consent like this. Angel isnt a rapist [for the skim reading raging stans ANGELS NOT A RAPIST, YAAAAAY!] but he sure has a shit grip on when he’s looking like Val when Val forced Angel into a kiss by not accepting rejection. It’s. CREEPY. Its fuckin weird. Husk is literally named after being a shell of his former self, I doubt random sex and forced interest is gonna make him spring to life like bastard Zeberdy from the Magic Pissin Roundabout. Honestly, sexual harassment and addictions are treated the same in this - a joke. A punchline. A gag. Sure makes me fuckin gag. Nah, the more healthier Chaggie relationship (needs work on Charlies damn part - dont let freaky taxidermy men sexually assault your life partner like that) is booooring, lets focus on sexual harassment leading to true love like all the other shitty romcoms shall we? Or sugar coat it with ‘getting to know them better <3′ like Beauty and the Beast. A story, by yours truly: My mom’s mates with this woman. Lets call her M because her name starts with an M. M is just like Angel except slightly older, overweight and disabled - so not everyones cup of tea visually (shes neither here nor there to me imo, not like I hold interest in shaggin her). Like Angel, she fuckin flirts with any ANY man around her. She’ll even touch without consent, rub allllll up and down their backs and bodies, and not leave them alone. She even did this with a few gay men. Shes not a horrible person BUT mom and I are constantly trying to stop her and get through her head how DISGUSTING this treatment is. But nothing gets the message across. Shes ALWAYS talking men and sex and has an on/off fling with this one bloke (dont worry, hes the male M, cheats and does the same as her). Everyone, even women, are uncomfortable with this. Irl it’s desperate and a HUGE repellent. Men are visibly SO uncomfortable. She does it to my father too who is - in case youd forgotten - MARRIED TO HER BEST. FUCKING. FRIEND. My father is not a man of fear (and interestingly, hes one of the real life Huskers I know!) but this woman? *insert Heavy bc why tf not* She scares him. My dad does everything in his damn power to pull away, reject, resist, avoid and cut her off. The only reason hes even nice to her at all is because mom likes her (when M isnt a gross hornbag, shes genuinely a good friend to my mother - much like angel and Cherri). My dad’s strictly banned from insulting her or telling her to fuck off from my mother BECAUSE of her nature with him. Even at her non horny times, he’s even said shes not his flavour.  I’ve had numerous accounts like this myself (ask any woman-) but the worst was the guy thinking - THINKING - that Id eventually be his whilst he played up a lot of our similarities up, seemed nice and I actually thought I had a good guy friend (put it this way, Im genuinely scared of men because of guys like this). At this time, there was a character I discovered who looks and behaves SO much like me, and shes married. My simping arse for this fictional BEAUT [Im sorry but Iris is fucking awesome] compared her romantic traits towards Olgerd as something Id do - and this was a STATUS. It wasnt even too him, tagging him, nothing. I was just spamming Iris like the Iris whore I am, and... Yep. Ill be honest and say that God only knows what else I did that made him think I was ready to rip off my clothes and shag him. My post history back then showed Im like this when I find a character I relate to. I also send hearts a lot publicly and to friends to express joy - I get NERVOUS how that’ll be taken now. He tried to pit my ex friend and I against each other for him and even cyberstalked us pretending to be a girl named Raven. My GUT told me this aint no bastard ‘Raven’. The vibes he gave me, and the fact when I kept saying no he took it as a delayed yes (He even said “Ill wait for when youre ready” not “I understand and am happy to still be friends”) gave me literal nightmares of this guy tracking me down and raping me. He’s currently dating that ex friend (I was still willing to be their friend and support them but they said it was hard to keep us separate in her lifes and she didnt want conflict, so I cut it off amicably with her and I fuckin hope he treats her right. I even sensed in my gut she’d like him and he’d like her - even that theyd be good together! But then I found she was 17 and he was 10 years older, that he was cyberstalking and pitting us against each other, that he was secretly an arrogant fuck and that he gives off red flags like her ex’s - but shes passed 18 now and I want to trust her as an adult that she can deal with this. Shes got a good family.) As a kid, Ive been fuckin groped at school in my shitty neighbourhood. One kid even harassed me wanting to know if Id started my periods yet. Hed constantly fondle girls and ‘keg’ them aka yank down their skirts or trousers in public, and 2 years later held a fucking KNIFE to my throat in a classroom with the shittiest substitute teacher, all because I stood up to him (I was not known for my bravery at school so). He was harassing my female friend who suffers from it since as well as her upbringing, bullying her and stealing her stuff. Shes TINY. She was bullied just as bad as I - who was somehow both the school ghost AND pariah somehow- - and I stepped in and told him to cut that shit out before snatching her things back. I told her to ignore the desperate prick. Thats when he took a boxcutter and held it to my throat, threatening me to keep my head down. Now my neighbourhood fucking qualifies as the British ‘hood’ but Id been lucky to avoid this. Ironically, I wondered what this situation would be like a year prior. Im convinced I can fucking foresee bad shit now and with anxiety that aint good. I froze mentally and I just said “Wooow, Im fucking scared- *friends name*, ignore him” and continued my work. I fucking mentally kicked myself for speaking but I genuinely didnt know what to do. Obviously not fucking that. He sat the full TWO HOURS at our table with this knife, jolting forward mockingly and switching who he pointed it at. The knife btw was from that very room as it was graphics and art. Teacher didnt even notice though honestly Ive had an entire class throw shit at me and call me a whore and the teacher in that class looked at me and TURNED AWAY. End of the day, I reported it to my actual graphics teacher when he returned and he told me he’d take this higher up and to get my parents. My home was only 5 minutes away but I had to walk alone when most the students were gone AND through a fucking alleyway. I always walked with my head low but that day I kept it high and tried to look brave because I genuinely thought he was waiting for me. That he was going to rape and kill me because he’s a pervert and Id just discovered a fucking violent one at that. I broke down at my door. Do you know how fuckin hard it is to look your parents who are dealing with two cancer patients and other issues in the eyes and tell them their ‘little girl’ had a knife to her through for standing up for herself? We went back, I described everything and even remember the yellow-orange handle just to get this kid punished? I even wrote an official police statement (well, the written witness account they add to their statement and evidence) and had to speak on mine and my friend’s behalf because she was that shook up. I never even used to speak for myself! He got expelled, but yknow what us jolly folk dealt with? Hearing kids and his mates mumbling about the ‘rat’ and how much of a cunt they were. Teachers and kids praise him for his art skills and even pin them on display EVERYWHERE (one - ONE - was a fucking self portrait and none of the staff seemed to find issue in that) and even an occassion where he came back into the school when he legally wasnt (trespassing). Do you know how hard it is to fucking avoid someone without raising suspicions from everyone around you in a narrow corridor? Im TALL too. I got NO support from this and felt on edge because he could easily sneak into school. I couldnt say shit because his stupid ‘spies’ were about. Just typing this is upsetting enough- I also know a rl Angel who’s like him minus the sexual harassment. She’s... I never used to like her and visa versa but we actually get along really well now, even though she can be creepy and perverse- But she wouldnt be my type either nor I with her. Often we really fuck each other off but we can also bond great. Another incident reminds me of Husk’s candid photo. Ive had people keep my photo despite me saying not to however I had someone SOMEHOW at that school one the fuck up that. There was a cut out from a magazine of a lady who looked like my DOUBLE except she was asian. Now I thought this was cool and it made me feel sorta pretty. This one girl showed everyone and the teacher, pretty much everyone was like “Oh shit that really is you, C!” and it was harmless fun at first. Until I wanted the picture. Again, this woman looked EXACTLY like me. Yet this girl refused and said she wanted to keep it and even carried it around in her pencil case. Yes it wasnt me but due to the similarities, this photo was called me (tbf the fuckin pic got more respect than I did-). This isnt the only creepy instant between me and this girl but the photo reminds me of it. And this tops people keeping photos OF me which happened in primary school. This was me but legal at that time. And asain. It was super fucking neckbeardy the way she treated this photo and stared, often stroking it and looking at me. I just hope she was only trying to scare me. Theres one final instance of a sexual assault but Im just not yet ready to be public about it. 2 here already know. Those are some of my rl experiences and more to come (unfortunately) that show these behaviours in real life. It seems - it comes across - that sexual harassment, MORE SO TOWARDS MEN, is seen as some punchline and not something legitimately horrifying or dangerous. It’s not cute. It’s fucking FAR from it.  Ive already mentioned how putting two addicts together can lead to relapsing, dependence on each other in an unhealthy way. And Ive even mentioned what Angel needs in a relationship in the RD post. Luckily for you, I’ll copy and paste it here: “ We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea. Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict. Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both. Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate.” Sorry for that copypaste clusterfuck. Copy paste is not my forte lol Now Husk. Remember Big? Probably not after the info overload, but if you do GREAT. Big needed love, patience, understanding, someone who could help him, someone who understood and respected his boundaries. I spent so much damn time and now he cuddles up and exposes his tummy because I make him feel understood, loved and safe. He NEVER purred or meowed (why would he need to meow when he didnt speak to humans?) but now he does. He lives on the streets of a neighbourhood with rough folk. He used to draw blood and go rabid on my arms. But I was patient and showed him that I understood his reasons but that he was safe with me and had no need to strike out. I never pushed his boundaries let alone doing it multiple times (the rl angel I know is fucking skilled at pushing cat’s boundaries and wonders why they all huddle up to me and avoid her lol). Husk is an unavailable man. Romantic/Sexual love does NOT heal his wounds. But thats the only thought fans and the team have given on his side. He needs love to ‘fix’ him. The WORST reason to get with someone. Theyre not a project and you arent a fucking miracle worker. Treat them as an equal. He needs a good friend. JUST a friend. Like Big, he needs patience, trust, understanding, and extensive help (arguably more intense than Angel’s). He needs to love himself a bit more FIRST. Someone who respects his boundaries INSTANTLY. Someone relatable and similar, open to love not just sex and not as troubled (if they are, they need to handle it way better, healthily and overall be in a good mindspace). Viv can ship whatever the fuck tickles her fancy, but once your passion project becomes public and funded, you have set responsibilities on how to address and handle sensitive issues as well as having to accept criticism. If Husk goes sober in the name of love (ESPECIALLY with the guy not respecting his boundaries and sexually harassing him), then it’s a fucking INSULT to alcoholics.  I know a few rl Husks but there’s one that anyone who knows me enough knows the man I hold closest to my heart was an alcoholic and spitting of Husk. That’s why Husk’s character means so much to me. But there’s only 2 here who know a bit more of this man. This is something Id hoped to not share so soon, nor as messy. And Im already getting waterworks because this is FAR from easy. I guess Husk became the very thing *I* needed in order to face this. This man was my grandfather. WAS. I cant even fucking accept that. I was a fucking child. I feel stupid being so open about this over some stupid cartoon but it just shows the real life effects this has on REAL fucking people. This man was old and lonely. Always at the pubs. He taught me card games, card tricks and card magic as well as one of his own sons dealing with a gambling addiction. I feel so fucking stupid crying about this- I dont want to open up but its the only way I feel I can get people to understand my side in all of this. This man was a fucking MESS. A closed off, lonely, grumpy old bastard. He lost his love because of his alcohol addiction and never found love again. Never got over that woman. (Shes still kicking and we’re close - im keeping some things under wraps between them as its not my place). Gave up on life and love. Worked hard at his fixation on cards and puzzles, as well as crass jokes and knowledge. But he was very lazy otherwise. Bitter and angry. And you know what? He was my world. I love this man with every fiber of my being because he was the first person to love and accept me for me. He treated me as an equal and helped me grow as a person. In fact... He was only ever happy around us kids. He had hope again. Protected me. He used to hate gays and blacks and you know what? He taught HIMSELF as to why that was shitty thinking. He taught ME about differences in people and to accept it. He taught me that you dont always have to understand to accept. He taught me poker and... swears admittedly. He was a beautiful soul that was broken inside. He needed to love himself. But you know what actually fucking happened? You know what I watched as a kid? I watched as he smoked until every morning he woke throwing up phlegm just to BREATHE. I watched as sometimes the light in his eyes died and through smoke breaks and early drinking how he’d sometimes slip and show me his pain. And we’d have deep talks about it and the world and everything. How alcohol ruined his life yet he craved it. His scent. I remember arguments I wasnt supposed to overhear and growing up seeing him fucking DIE slowly in a hospital bed. The man he was ended up as a fucking husk. His skin was bloated and purple, he was half machine on how much shit he was hooked up to. How he was barely a man at all. He was dying of cancer and he fucking knew and never told us. His cancer meds gave him horrid hallucinations. And I practically spent most of my time in that hospital because TWO people had cancer. Two stunning people had fucking stupid bastard cancer. He was a fuck up. He was flawed to shit. But seeing glimpses of the real him was a fucking ethereal experience. He made me feel like a PERSON. And all we could do in the end was watch him just die. He WANTED to die and you could see it but hed only eat around us to fake fight out of his own hubris and not wanting to let us down. That year, I watched 2 of the only people who ever gave a shit about me die the most dishonourable deaths God could have gave them. Years prior I watched his son gamble EVERYTHING away - his lover, his house, his everything. Hes a moderate gambler now with a partner who never had a history of any addiction. She helps keep him in line as he helps her. But most nights I fucking dream of this shit. I cant even think about my hero because I fucking weep. I still have nightmares. Im still up thinking how I could have saved him from himself when it’s him who was the only one able to. I have to live my life with those memories and I was just a kid. Im a full woman and Im still haunted by it. Even that year is blasphemy and I fucking hate it. I want to take him in my arms, hold him and tell him he’s enough. That its ok and he can get through this. Anything that reminds me of him, I love because I know the other side. The real side. The side not tethered to vices. When I see people like that, I pray they see themselves like that too and I want to help them see it. Tell them that they can live again. It’s better than fucking decaying in a hospital bed. That when people make this sorta shit into a cute quirk it’s not. And it’s dickheads like me who have actually seen it play in the real world to REAL people they love. They arent a fucking accessory to fix for your own narrative. They arent a fuckin performing monkey. At least with Rick and Morty it’s kinda humorous and never played for some shitty toxic ship to appeal to everyone who’s never had to face that shit themselves. And Im like my old man but with more hope and no addiction. I drink and I gamble but I’ll never let myself get that low. Because I honour him but Im not as fucking saft. I wont allow it even though it’s a fucking battle. Those addictions are in the blood. My family history. Its always been so fucking normal. I’ll never knock someone for an addiction or try to preach them out of it because theres often pain fueling it, but I’d never encourage it or toxic faux cures and stupid romance promises as some bullshit MLM remedy either. I KNOW it’s fiction but I want people to see the real side. I want VIV to see the real side. Id willingly for FREE fucking sing that shit if it meant spreading a good message. Because this is fucking hell. FIXING IT: The ship’s basis is too set in stone now - too familiar to change. Best is to never let it be canon. Because you know what else it teaches? That rOmAnCe cures all. Not therapy. Not rehab. Not any REAL work. Just fuck and date it all away as if it’s that easy. It’s a mockery! I tried to be professional about this but when the media bombards this shit constantly, the has the AUDACITY to play like it’s giving a good message is salt to the wounds. A kiss with a fist. An old man dont care for the petty teen drama that Angel and Cherri (even fuckin Al) thrive on. Want this to send a good message still? Angel hates rejection and thinks everyone wants him. Have Husk reject him. Especially because no one should go out with someone whos sexually harassed them there. Been there, done that got the fuckin tshirt. Have Husk reject Angel the way Gravity Falls has Wendy reject Dipper. It helped Dipper move on and mature, and this is what Angel needs for growth and to be more humble.  Husk would be a fucking excellent mentor to Angel, a friend and protector, someone who shows him the ropes like Grunkle Stan like a grandfather figure. To not fall for his mistakes. Husk would be a better expert than any of them plus it balances the power dynamtic. It’s healthy and realistic. Touches the topic with the sensitivity it needs. Not everything needs a ship or romance. Wounds healed that way dont stay healed long. Angel seems more fitting as a son like figure, and he can play that dad like role for him. And if any of the team EVER saw this, fucking take this idea. Its YOURS. FREE. FOREVER. If we wanna play this NDA but still reblog some of the story telling arts and have some of our team indulge in it. I wont sue. Fucking TAKE IT if it means doing this shit right because Spindlehorse have beautifully triggered so many different people and their different traumas to please teenagers sexual fantasies, their own kinks and for a jolly good joke.  This is a bastard long read and Ive had to face the traumas again but if good can come from it then I’ll GLADLY dance this duet again. Stans, Antis, dont even TEMPT interaction. You arent brave sending suicide threats behind a screen, youre a coward and a waste of oxygen. I WANT Hazbin and Helluva to succeed. I want Viv and her crew to do well. Trust me, I wouldnt waste my time if I didnt give a shit. Viv is fucking gifted and its being wasted if it’s not at her full potential for the approval of a rabid army of kids and immature adults who dont know any better (stans and antis). I know she would like a good and decent fanbase. Stans and antis arent it. Tagging you folks because it’s long but yall actually helped me have the courage to open my trap to this. Screenshots are coming later though all of what Ive said is easily sourced. But this has been days, Im sick, im tired, ive been upset facing my own traumas. If any tags wanna help then by all means but otherwise. @honesthazbinarchives, @siaesnow​ (also added age still bc despite the lack of physical aging, theres also the mental aspect and experiences as well as power dynamics side to it, in case youre wondering), @noirellearts, @enchantedchocolatebars​, @galemalio​ (thank you for letting me weep like a bitch), @angel-blitz​, @critical-hazbin​, @what-the-hazbin​, @hazboobhotel​, @pineapple-critiques-stuff​, @devils-advocutie​, SORRY AGAIN FOR BEING A LIL BITCH FOLKS, I feel awkward like my teen years but yeah- fuck it Im old and imma rot soon anyways. If this experience can help then Ill be glad.

[mangobone]

I just watched ep 13 and I’m stunned! Finally, the fog is clearing away and the information shown in the earlier slower episodes is paying off! This time is the Seo’s case thats finally coming to light along with some other things.

This is going to be a long post so go get some water and a snack if you’re willing to read and share your thoughts!

Also, If you haven’t watch the ep, please wait until you do before you read this. You’ve come this far, it’d be worth it:

-I don’t want to rewatch any of the earlier episodes until this season is done, so the Park Gwan-Su case with Hanjo, Choi Bit and Woo Tae-Ha is a little muddle for me so I’d give it a pass, just to say that I loved the acknowledgement to the late Chang-Joon and his incredible efforts, that still ripple through various people. He truly was incredibly smart in that aspect; however it didn’t stop him from turning into the mastermind of 2 serious crimes so I’d love to know how Si-Mok feels about him, 3 years after the whole ordeal.

-The Seo Dong Jae case OH! MY! GOD! (I’m turning into Janice from Friends, sorry) I wasn’t expecting that, but I do remember seeing the young man in the beach and thinking there was something off with him when he was being question by the police and he looked like a deer in theheadlights when he saw Si-Mok; however with the onslaught of information from the rest of the cases and the fact that he was a sort of “victim” from the couple that burndt the restriction line, I completely removed him from my possible culprits mental list. I was shocked today tbh. And I suppose Chief Kim has something to do either with him or the fake witness, that much is clear, but I won’t speculate too much there.

-The scene with Kim...JESUS. Hwang nerves of steel Si-Mok! He truly gave absolutely NOTHING away as he kept apologizing while looking at Kim straight in the eye and wasn’t that INTENSE?!!; I was repressing a scream throughout the whole scene. Btw whats with the forgotten garage control? I wonder if that’ll be significant.

- I really hope Kang Won-Chul won’t get too damaged when the shit hits the fan, with the whole Hanjo business and the war between the Lee’s. I’m also interested to know who was Park Gwang-Su’s younger brother.

My guess is that Si-Mok will have to make a decision between helping Kang Won Chul and following his strict moral code in the end. It’ll hurt whatever the decision, as can see that the appreciation between those two is sincere.

-I hate Oh Ju-Seon. So. Fucking. Much.

-The Eun Soo reference? Jeeeeez that was painful (great scene between CSW and Bae Doona btw) I think self-reproach, guilt and regret are Si-Mok’s kriptonites, as we can see since the Tongyong “incident”, and the fact that the “surviving” student is the abductor will only worsen the feeling for sure as he didn’t suspect him from the beginning. (I have a theory about this but it’ll be way below.

-NOW the scene between Yeo-Jin and Choi Bit? (Aside from the horrendous product placement) Well, Choi is holding back nothing eh? But I like that she doesn’t really tease her, she just asks honest questions (though a bit out of place, IMO) says what she feels she needs to, in order to “protect” both Han and her own interests. On the other hand Yeo-Jin GIRL YOU DIDNT DENY THE STATEMENT! Though I think we all knew she had something of a crush on Si-Mok from the first season, she indeed looks a bit more invested now. And I could guess that one of the reasons why she wanted to be in charge of the Seo Dong Jae is because of Si-Mok’s need to catch whoever hurt another one of his fellow prosecutors.

-Boy! Finally a scene where they find that son of a bitch! The moment when Yeo Jin presents her ID and the musical punk looks around to see if he’ll be able to knock her out and kidnap her JESUS OMG I WAS SCREAMING AGAIN and dismayed that our prosecutor hadnt gone with her! but thank heavens Hwang Si-Mok’s elegant shoe made its appearance, along with the rest of him and I was able to breathe!

-BTW I’m not too sure that Si-Mok will be able to catch him without Han’s help (We know that’s not his forte) by the looks of the teaser but he sure will be yelling at him, and for that I’m more than glad! He needs some catharsis and we all need the information.

Also, I love aggressive Hwang Si-Mok 🙃 (Sorry for the shitty captures, but I didn’t want to invest much time in them)

-From the teaser: WHY THE HECK ARE THEY LOOKING UP? Is there something horrible up there? AND WHERE THE HELL IS SI-MOK?!?

-And also...whoever decided to add a scene from episode 14 (to be confirmed) way back in the teaser for other episodes?!? That’s not cool and I’m sick of being cheated.

-NOW! onto why Si-Mok didn’t suspect the Tongyong “survivor”? Two theories that could be seen as one but here we go:

-Unknown emotions getting in the way:

In the first season the media was trying to destroy his credibility and Yoon Se-Won told Chang-Joon that Si-Mok had undergone brain surgery when he was younger and it was possible that he could be temporarily suppressing his emotions; so what if In these past years and everything that happened with his colleagues and with meeting someone like Han Yeo-Jin, changed him subtly but enough that he could actually empathize, if only for a bit, with Kim Hu-Jeong? And that all of these questions and doubts on his professional capacity are because he’s too worried about his college but he doesn’t know it, just like Prosecutor Kim suggested it, when he suggested that he’d tell Chief Woo that he wasn’t ready to take Seo’s case.

-Mental turmoil

Or what if he’s actually a little bit...depressed? Contemplative? Unsatisfied?

When we start the season, for the first time we see him more as a lonely man rather than an outsider. He’s actually got a farewell party thrown for him that he clearly doesn’t look forward to, he’s watching couples and families stroll by, he admits openly to Kang Won-Chul that he “may never fully understand the things that he should know by a certain age”, he doesn’t let his mother know that he’s back in Seoul and the promised visit is clearly not his idea, and the talk with Yeo-Jin about Eun Soo and the simplicity between living and dying got me wondering about his state of mind. He’s got questions he won’t ask to the only authoritative figure he still respects somewhat (Kang) and he’s more defiant to Woo Tae Ha.  So he’s more self-isolated with the only exception being Yeo Jin, to whom he asks questions about her obvious attitude change.

These things, along with Han Yeo-Jin’s change in attitude really got me wondering about both our protagonist but we don’t really get enough time with her to venture theories on what is going on and why she keeps quiet when Si-Mok questions her about her life choices, just that she’s miserable on her desk job with her bureocratic collegues. 

Also, I could be mistaken BUT anyone noticed how this is the first time Han Yeo Jin mentions someone from her family in the series? (grandmother).

I’d go on and on writing on the possibility of a Hwang/Han relationship but I feel that those two ending together is just too unlikely, as much we as audience would love it. They truly are made for each other, like a perfect yin-yang, and this season only confirms that she’s the only person who manages to make him eat in peace and make him smile.

Well I’m sorry for offending your eyes with this sea of text but I had to get it all out before tomorrow’s episode!! Going to sleep and hopefully I’ll open my eyes to the new ep!

[ficauthor]

Stark Contrast

Jimmy neutron fanfiction? in 2020? on my blog? more likely than you think.

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30911564

Pairing: none lol

Warnings: panic attack, Cindy has a mental breakdown on Judy.

Summary: It had been picking at her for ages, the differences between her and Jimmy's parents. The way that Jimmy’s parents blindly supported Jimmy's interests in the sciences and experiments while her own expected things from her.  But she always pushed it away, kept the thoughts on it shallow. Finally, however, in a way that wasn't superficial she was able to see every gritty detail. And equally appreciate and hate the stark contrast.

Jimmy's body felt oppressive and overwhelming for Cindy, they'd been swapped for just over two weeks and Cindy had already hated it from moment one. Her peers laughed at both her and Jimmy, not knowing the situation but still aware that there must be some kind of competition going on between them. No one ever understood what was going on between them, their dynamic was weird to say the least. But the way that their peers jumped over concern immediately to derision was jarring. The teachers were concerned for her and Jimmy but in the way that made it clear that they did not want to deal with the paperwork anymore than they had to. worst of all was Jimmy's parents. She wanted to hate them, she really did, every time she walked past them or did something, they said affirming statements. Throwing around  "son" "young man" and all sorts of other statements that were swallowing Cindy whole. She was always moments from crying. She knew they couldn't know that their son really wasn't their son right now, but it still made her skin crawl to hear those words. But regardless she could not hate them. Despite how much she wanted desperately to hate them for calling her those things she couldn't because she understood. Jimmy was in the same situation. Their overbearing constant use and reminder of Jimmy being a boy was their version of support. It just made her feel hollow inside. Like she was being scooped out with a melon baller like a pumpkin on Halloween. Her parents loved her. She knew that. but they never got it like Jimmy's parents did for him. There was always this underlying expectation for her to be a certain way, act a certain way, carry herself with certain poise others didn't have to. Cindy sighed as she laid down on Jimmy’s bed. She wanted her room back, her life back. Most of all she wanted her body back. A creeping desire to rend her skin off of her lurked at all times, but she doubted Jimmy would appreciate her violating his body like that. She wanted her life back. She wanted to talk to Libby again in the halls freely. She wanted to make fun of the guys and have back her normal rivalry with Jimmy. No more long days in detention followed by hiding it from the Neutrons while also trying to get back at Jimmy for whatever he did with her body last. Goddard curled up next to her. He wasn't her Humphrey, but his metal was less cold than she expected, and he wasn't stupid. He knew she wasn't his master. And Goddard knew that she was Cindy, but he was nice to her regardless, and he helped her out regardless. "Do you think I'll ever get back to normal Goddard?" she asked him as she absentmindedly scratched him under the chin. He barked in affirmation. "Thanks, Goddard, at least you can believe for me." Goddard made a weird sort of cross between a whimper and a comforting noise as he snuggled up into her arms. "Thanks," she whispered. They laid there for a moment silently. If she closed her eyes it was almost possible for her to imagine everything was normal. If she focused just hard enough she could convince hers- "James Isaac Neutron!" Cindy cringed as Judy Neutron called. Cindy detangled herself from the bed and Goddard and made her way downstairs. "Yes?" "Explain these detentions, young man." Cindy opened and closed her mouth wordlessly; she didn't know what to do what to say. Her own parents would have grounded her by now. Heck, maybe she was grounded already. She didn't know how Jimmy would react in this situation. maybe he'd lie more? or admit to it? but she didn't know, she just wanted to cry, her skin crawled all the time, she was in a house that wasn't her own in a body that wasn't her own, being called a name and having pronouns that weren't hers used. And she couldn't breathe. Her face was hot, her eyes stinging. No not her face, not her eyes. Jimmy's, that thought just made the drowning feeling more intense. She opened her mouth again to say something. Words wouldn’t get out, couldn't get out. Air bubbled up in her throat as she strained to get a syllable out instead a broken sob came out. "Jimmy?" Judy's voice was so soft, so concerned. she was so gentle and kind in her tone. it was so, so Different from her mother. Sasha vortex was not kind and soft, understanding like Judy neutron was. She was a strick woman, the kind of woman that expected perfection at the most difficult of tasks she held cindy at the highest of standards. Piano had to be practiced daily. She whined at the thought of how much she must have degraded skill wise since the swap. She had to be the best in karate, play with the best, beat the best, be the best. There was no room for mistakes if she miss-stepped for a moment, faltered for a fraction of a second it was clear that she was be practicing for longer, more hors would be poured into the kicks, more money spent on more aggressive totours. Worst of all was science and math classes. She at least had an edge on neutron in english, he didnt like metaphors, couldnt understand them. But math? Science? Jerk excelled in those, they where is bread and butter, he did them as easily as he breathed. Judy wrapped her arms around Cindy gently rocking her while making soothing noises. Cindy was choking on her own spit and snot now as tears fell fast and hot down her face.  She could feel her face, Jimmy’s face heat up and flush. She sniffled into the older woman's shoulder for who knows how long before Judy backed up and brushed the fallen strands of hair out of Cindy's face. "Now why don't you tell me what's going on?” her voice was so gentle so kind,” You haven't been acting like yourself lately at all. You're father and I are worried. You asked for more chores, made all sorts of strange demands, you cringe at the sound of your name sometimes it's like you’re not yoursel-" Judy cut herself off her eyes wide. Pieces seeming to fall into place for her. "Did Jimmy do some sort of experiment and swap bodies with someone?" Cindy sniffed as she nodded. "Well you can't be Carl or Sheen, neither of them would- Cindy Vortex?" New hot tears spilled out. Relief overwhelmed her at just hearing an adult, someone other than Jimmy or his friends say her name. "Y-yeah." "Come here honey let's go to the living room, then you can explain." Cindy's shoulders dropped the tension slinking out. An explanation, but the way she asked for it was, not demanding, not like Cindy needed to. It was- a request. Cindy's breath caught in her lungs at the realization. Never, never had her parents ever asked for an explanation for her actions. Especially when Jimmy Neutron was envolved. They either did not listen to her and spent their time punishing her and listening to the adults near the situation, or they demanded to know what happened. Not why it happened never why, it didn’t matter she was already in trouble she knew that early on. But they certainly made it clear that they wanted all the details. They were sitting on the living room couch now. Cindy waited, she waited for Judy to make a comment, ask a question. anything. But she just waited. "An invention went haywire and now we're both stuck in each other's bodies. He said it wasn’t supposed to do this, that he just wanted to read my mind to see if I was going to prank him." Cindy chanced a glance at Judy, her parents never liked when she did such things. But Judy’s expression remained calm. “He really shouldn’t be violating your thoughts like that, I’ll talk to him about it later. Now please, continue?” "And- I-," she took in a shaky breath," No one in town really knows this except my parents and Libby- I mean some other people know but no one has really brought it up in a really long time and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't remember but-" Judy places a hand on Cindy's shoulder. Cindy took in a steadier breath," I'm trans, Like Jimmy is but in the opposite way. and my parents let me take hormone blockers and socially changed my name and pronouns. But this entire time I've been here you both have been calling me Jimmy and my par-" Cindy broke into tears again, the emotions to much for her to handle," I know they love me; I know they do, but-" she looked up at Judy who looked at her almost, heartbroken," they- they aren't as accepting, aren't as-" Judy's face fell as Cindy's voice died off. "Oh sweetheart," she Hugged Cindy again enveloping her in warmth and the gentle smell of vanilla and car oil. The dam broke at that. She rambled on and on. About her parent's unfair standards for her. About how it felt always being second fiddle to Jimmy especially with her parent's expectations. Some of her extended relatives’ reaction to her coming out.  She just spilled it all put in the open for Judy to look at and examine and do with as she pleased. But Cindy couldn't be bothered by being that vulnerable with the woman. It was different somehow. Okay in the kind of way it never was with her parents. "I actually used to be friends with Carl and Sheen believe it or not," Cindy said with a laugh. It been hours since the conversation had started now. "Before I- well it was before you guys moved in. I don't know if they remember." Judy shook her head," those two are sweet boys, but not very bright I'm afraid." Cindy choked out a laugh," yeah." They sat there in silence, Judy comforting Cindy. "If you want though dear," Judy said finally," to ever talk to me after you and Jimmy get switched back feel free too." "You mean it?" "Of course, I do." Cindy smiled, it had been picking at her for ages, the differences between her and Jimmy's parents. The way that Jimmy’s parents blindly supported Jimmy's interests in the sciences and experiments while her own expected things from her.  But she always pushed it away, kept the thoughts on it shallow. Finally, however, in a way that wasn't superficial she was able to see every gritty detail. And equally appreciate and hate the stark contrast.

[coolingdownanddrawing]

heres some idea’s for redesigns along with some bulletpoints on what I was thinking for story stuff involving remaking the series

Im having trouble reading off the screenshots so Im gonna write it out under the cut along with probably adding some ideas or expanding on the bullet lists (future me here: I wrote a Lot)

Sam Manson:

-Rich Activist, meaning she’s kinda blind to some troubles going on or doesnt full understand how others are doing financially, along with being raised in a house with people who arnt exactly empathetic and more focused on appearances then worker rights, sam can come off as shallow to others doing activist work.

 it could be a really interesting character arc for her to realize some of the things going on outside of her school and plants that she can help with, along with dealing with that sense of helplessness she feels at being to normal to help anyone she expresses in the show.

-Goth, but cheery? One thing i noticed in the show is how overall cheerful sam can come off while toting goth ideal’s, which may be a part of why she isnt shown to have many goth friends with them seeing her more as a poser becouse their teenagers and teenager Be like that sometimes.

 It’s not a problem in my book but it could be fun to see tucker or danny question it when in goth spaces and sam basically saying the truth that you dont have to be miserable to enjoy dark subject matter. maybe with tucker and danny getting a small interest in some of the “lesser” goth stuff sam introduces to them.

-fights everyone, becouse teenager with boundless energy and Ghosts attacking all the time. sam didnt fight much in the original series and thats a shame.

-facinated by ghost, becouse duh

-I was kinda thinking of her and tucker being introduced by them competing for class president, becouse that seem’s like a position both would be interested in and it be more interesting then having tucker face dash

Tucker Foley

-Likes to influence others is a general statment, but its true tucker likes to be involved in other peoples lives and generally have his oppinion affect people in possitive (or negative) ways. he likes seeing that his involvment matters and he suffers when people ignore him or take his oppinions for granted and id love to see stuff centered around this trait

-level 1 leader/planner, sorta connected to the influencing people thing I think tucker really would thrive in leadership roles that danny just isnt suited to handling, big mobs of people and sam on his side and he is a force to be recond with. Tucker thrives in getting big groups of people to side with him esspecially since technology profficientcy isnt a sign of weakness in this day and age. 

plus him working on his public speaking lines up with his motivation of wanting to be attactive to ladies. 

also Having him working on public speaking stuff and general people person scenario’s gives a lot of reason for the group to interact with the A listers in a less hostile scenario

-tech god I guess, becouse tucker foley

Dan Phantom

-Incarnation of discomfort being the unintentional (At least the first time) fusion of a stubborn 14 year old and his crazy 40 year old father figure with very different morals and oppinions makes existing very, very akward for dan, but great comedy fodder!

-dan is able to have legs or a ghostly tail whenever he pleases unlike vlad or danny, becouse I figured it be a good way to make fights more interesting and their fighting styles different becouse I want more vlad involvement and having  them be extra different types of ghosts makes watching either of them fight much more interesting

-wishes to not exist, esspecially in the presense of either danny or vlads love interests becouse WOW thats akward

-WAAAAY more powerful then danny and vlad, partially becouse making dan a final everything is going to hell desperate final action for danny and vlad would make dan’s appearances more interesting but also becouse of difference’s about vlad plasmius and danny phantom I will talk about when I get to them. 

Dan Discomfort Masters

-“Vlad’s nephew” becouse if you’re meeting this guy stuff has gone horrible wrong on the de-fusing front  and he needs a reason to be in either fenton on masters house hold to get whatever he needs to fix the ghost catcher 

- big ol liar pant’s, partially becouse danny and vlad are Huge Liars but also becouse of the whole, I need shit to stop existing 

-Trying to keep it together becouse he’s probably made to interact with people vlad and danny have Opinions On and honestly he cant decide if he wants to viciously prank jack at every oppertunity or punch himself for thinking of being mean to jack, among other such mixed feelings.

Vlad Masters

-Certified genius due to a number of thing’s including his obession, and becouse being smarter then jack makes him happy and if jack ever expressed interest in a subject He Must Be Better, he might not be trying to kill jack becouse he doesnt want to deal with a ghost hunter ghost for who knows how long but he wont be lesser then jack in ANYTHING.

-fruitloop, still has some backwards logic and morals such as having valarie become a ghost hunter to offer a sparring buddy to danny and whats a better motive to shoot at someone then they ruined their life right but he’s generally such a over the top bird brain trying to show off to everyone that fruitloop is the only description he can be given.

-less evil is a Big Thing, he’s still objectively not a very good man but I want him and danny working together and sharing a roof on the weekends but that means not shooting first and asking questions later on site, so a less evil vlad is needed, plus it just generally makes there interactions more fun and less dangerous which is what im going for, since walker can take over a lot of vlads antagonist role in the story plus danny and vlad making agreements to get stuff out of eachother sounds like a hell of a lot of fun, i liked eye for and eye vlad sue me.

- as a side not I want vlad to be a lot less physically fit and practiced with doing things as a human, seeing him as a man who lords his power over others when he can he prefers relaxing and working as plasmius more then masters, which affects his health and serves a purpose in story for a lesson id like made after watching phantom planet last night

Vlad Plasmius

-loving guardian in that he really, really does want to be a good father and mentor figure to danny even if their relationship is rocky due to long standing lies he’s been feeding him and how tight a grip vlad has on his familys financial health. as well as the whole snatching partial costody as soon as costudy was called into question after dannys accident (Ill get to that) vlad’s babysat in the past for the fenton which is part of it, along with his desire to be better at jack in every aspect.

-great implorer, in which he likes to get minions when he can and usually only grumbles if his minions already have plans when he calls for them, pays great by ghost zone and human standards and usually offers a full health plan, though skulkers case that full health plans is for when he gets his head up his ass and thinks he can actually get either danny or vlads pelt, one of skulkers suits is on vlads lab wall with a nice hole where its face should be as a reminder to those who cross him.

-only legs,  meaning he uses 100% more kicks and ground based attacks then danny and can kick below the bet where danny cant, this plus his fire core making him have to get creative lest he burn his surroundings to the ground has him fighting in a very different way to danny, along with his 20 years of experience. vlad tends to fight ghosts with less reason to leave the ghost zone, and invading lairs to get what he wants, leading to more serious encounters then what danny faces in the begining.

-loves dramatics, becouse vlad plasmius everybody he’s a cookyier villian here

-less evil and more ruthless and efficient to those who get in his way, that arnt who percieves as family 

-Plasmius’s obsession is teaching people lessons, in all the good and horrible ways that can imply. halfa’s have more broad and less restrictive obsessions then other ghosts which makes them more dangerous and able to ammas power.

Danny Fenton

-Fenton works heir, which is played up a lot more in this with vlad backing his family and giving them chances to disgrace themselves on public telivision and get shamed out of wherever their currently living, leading them on a series of moves throughout dannys life before amity park show off their inventions to the world! Since Jazz aggressively refused the role it fell on danny and he actually takes it pretty seriously, believing as a little bab in ghosts and being convinced of their evil from a young age by his parents which you can only imagine does great things for him when he becomes a halfa and learns unkie vlad is one as well.

-has been haunted by the creepy ghost boy title his whole like due to his situation and the fact he is usually made to assist in showing off his parents weapons publicly as a apprentice ghost hunter, one such invention was the fenton portal that had a wire loose during the presentation, when he went in and put it back the doors automatically shut him in and jack and maddie didnt notice he was in there still until the screaming started, this led to some public outcry over weather jack and maddie are fit to raise kids and vlad swooping in for partial costudy of both fenton children “to ease the masses, and besides he’s basically helped raise them anyway whats garenteed weekends at one of vlads places going to do?”  it was a sucky situation.

-bad reputation due to general protectiveness of his parents along with terrible social skills, along with his new trouble of hiding and controlling emerging ghost powers.He doesnt leave a initial good impression on sam and tucker when he first meets them as fenton, and people tend to avoid him to keep away from his parents wierdness anyhow.

-is less good in the traditional sense but wants to keep people safe and happy if he can help it, though its argueable if thats simply a manifestation of his obsession or if its just becouse he’s a sweet kid, once he gets it into his head that ghosts arnt always evil he tries really hard to be nice to ghost too and even tries to save them from his parents when he can. putting his neck out for them.

Danny Phantom

-just wants a lair is a shorthand for wanting to just experience regular ghost things when he’s going ghost, he’s less inclined to fight every ghost he see’s unless their actively hurting people and tries to talk them down, not wanting his afterlife filled with enemies when he officially keels over. 

he has big dreams for a super cool lair of his own that are explored upon the one time he’s split apart by the ghost catcher, mostly becouse phantom rips the  door to his room from its hinges and zooms into the ghost zone as soon as he’s out, found aimlessly wondering helplessly looking for the PERFECT location to start building. he tends to day dream about the lair of his dreams in class.

-no leg’s leading to more air combat and trying to immobalize people with his tail, usually fighting fairly though with his moments of cheap shots in partiicularly deadly battles,, he usually fights people like johnny 13 who mess with people then he does generally harmless ghosts like box ghost in the begining, plus with his in development abilities that include a versatile ice core his fights are more strategy  then sheer beat down or creative weapon making (or heating whatever metal the ghost is wearing to the point of insanity) 

Danny also has this little problem where he “died” in a anti ghost hazmat suit made of stuff to weaken and harm a ghost who comes in contact with jack and maddies little boy and it means its harder on him to access his powers, taking more energy to do things that most ghost would find easy like intangibilty and invisibility, which is a major problem for him esspecially at first, danny’s only made aware of this though vlads help and their working on a way to trick the hazmat suit into changing material with what danny was wearing under the suit, since its being difficult with changing on dannys command, he can put stuff over and under the suit but the suit itself is hard to make budge.  the outfit shown above is after danny learns how to at least add stuff over it with vlads help.

dan does not have problem’s with the material of his costume making him have access to all dannys abilities easily, along with vlads experience and power and dannys creative thinking dan gets the nickname of the ultimate enemy with good reason

- Loves exploring, esspecially the ghost zone its so interesting and full of enteraining characters and the food is Amazing at least in ghost form and vlad’s show him some pretty incredible places in the zone when they agree to work together in the sense of vlad stealing madde and jacks thermoses at the end of fenton fights and danny helping him spelunk in the ghost zone,  its a guilty pleasure to be able to show sam and tucker around when they become friends, natural portals are a tempation danny has a hard time ignoring when he see’s one, much to his loved ones annoyance.  wolf is a terrible enablr of a friend.

- due to his obession with proving himself (its the wording i go with now i might change it to something like control or being loved) danny tends to want people to like him and seeing a opertunity to get them to like him sorta throws him off balance and out of fight mode, usually leading to him cuddling up to them, in phantom form dannys a great cuddler. take caution though he’s been known to trick enemys into thinking he’s gone out of fight mode and either shove them into the nearest portal/thurmos or later freezing them where they stand.  dannys terrible with crowds, esspecially crowds of people who dont like him he freezeses up.

Danny to-tired-to-function (school and not working with parents danny)

-cant wait to to graduate, with no plans to go to college becouse he’s not paying for more hell

-is really in a bad place socially and mentally in the begining, but will become a lot happier once he befriends sam and tucker, though before that he tends to do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things to get attention and has a problem with letting people drag him into trouble on the promise of friendship.

Danny’s Chore’s list:

-deadly laundry with ectoplasm contaminated laundry machines to content with

-helping whoever wants to cook, cook, or being in charge of dinner most nights unless someone else wants to cook (breakfast is jazz’s job, maddie and jack are gently discouraged from cooking, jazz and danny usually or use to just grab take out for lunch if they had time)

-cleaning the lab

-dishes with ecto contaminated dishwasher are always a little dangerous damn appliances and their wills to reak havoc, jazz likes to help make sure it doesnt hurt anyone since its more dangerous then the laundry machines

-assembling weapons with parents for the vault, or incase of a huge ghost invasion so everyone has a chance at a weapon, danny usually just assembles the less dangerous stuff that doesnt require a lot of welding

-general house maintense, vacuuming and window cleaning while jazz mops and dusts 

-jazz cleans the weapons vault after learning dannys secret becouse its a lot less dangerous for her then for him and hes infinitly grateful

AND DONE thats some of my thoughts on what could be done with a re design of the characters and story beats listed, im tired of writing now but enjoyed getting this out

[glasyasbutch]

Based on this post. 

im gonna do what rebekah did and discuss the potential of oc /oc ships. However i have 10 of them on this blog and i will not be doing this 45 times so im limiting myself to active ocs only, which puts me at 16, which is still a lot but this blog is for me and im a slut for my own characters. (I tried to do it in the tags but tumblr cut me off cause its lesbophobic.) lets get crackin.

gildy/anyone: no. thats grandma. now this isn't to say that i won't ship gildy with anyone; i have before and will again; but it's got to be someone her own age which no other oc is close to (rip to that one npc who made magic ceramics in her first campaign that i was tryna date before the campaign fell apart)  Verdict: No Cradle Robbing

craving/tov: oh GOD it would go so bad . they both hate themselves so much and manifest it as a brusque aggressiveness they'd fucking attack each other within hours. even a one night stand might be pushing the limits of their patience. Verdict: Do Not Recommend

craving/ezra: i would LOVE to watch these two sit down and talk about philosophy; because they have genuinely the exact opposite takes on life. they both got dunked on and had someone important taken from them at a young age and craving said FUCK IT im gonna be mean since the world hates me and ezra said FUCK IT im gonna be nice and hope the world loves me back eventually. and it would be so fucking interesting to see them try and convince the other why they're right. however. should not date. Verdict: Bad Romantic Material

craving/nissy: this would go literally the exact same way as nissy and zier. like the ExACT same way. they'd find each other attractive at first; make it a few weeks or something; the sexiness would wear off and they'd find each other insufferable but Not want to break up because they're stubborn and also getting something out of dating the other one. (craving likes that nissy's rich and also his cool shadow guy; nissy likes that craving's all about 'fuck the system' and also maybe a teensy little bit is into the idea of getting a glasya pact too). if they were to meet nakoria in this universe they also would both fuck her and then not tell the other about it. Verdict: Hilarious But Unsustainable.

craving/ebbie: i literally can't even conceptualize this. i c. i can't. i think ebbie would be genuinely terrified of craving. Verdict: No.

craving/roona: Ohhhhhhhh YES baby. mischief squad in the fucking HOUSE. they would get along absolutely fantastically i think. No impulse control, so many crimes! neither of them would really be ones to try and make it work long term but they'd have a fucking AMAZING couple months together and part on good terms. Plus craving has a thing for short girls Verdict: Good Short Term Ship.

tov/ezra: other people would ship them because they have such similar vibes. but i dont think either of them necessarily would want to date for exactly that reason. now you might say but didnt tov fall in love with savra because they have similar backstories? yes BUT they're at very different points in their recovery. ezra and tov are too close. come back to it once both their campaigns are over and they might make a very sweet couple. Verdict: Slow Burn 250k Words

tov/nissy: i feel like tov would take one look at nissy and kind of just. leave. nissy would be into tov tho. he likes the rugged bad boy vibes. he'd think he was mysterious and handsome. and we know he seems to have a thing for sorcerers. Verdict: One Sided Crush

tov/ebbie: they'd get along Really well but it'd be more of a mentor/mentee dynamic. they both like to build things and want to find simple softness in the world but don't trust that they can have it. ebbie has a much more excited and babbly demeanor bc he's a Loud Anxious and tov is much more laid back and calmer because he’s a Quiet Anxious. tov would see him as a kid that’s probably gonna turn out ok, but i dont know if he’d really be able to tell that ebbie’s got some fucked up in there. ebbie would be way better at seeing through tov’s walls, and would follow him around almost like a lost dog bc tov like. Actually Gets Him and he wants to learn as much as he can and you know what if there’s a baby crush there, there’s a baby crush there. Verdict: I Hate To Say It But This One’s A Notice Me Senpai

tov/roona: roona would call tov a narc within 30 seconds of meeting him and any Possible feelings on his end would die instantly. Roona would be far more into teasing him than into him. It’d be a cute dynamic where they act like they can’t stand each other and insist that they’re not even friends but like when it comes down to it, they have a fairly good time together and will defend each other against anyone else trying to fuck with them. Bonus Points for them both being super gullible.  Verdict: Only I Get To Be Mean To Them

ezra/nissy: on paper, they’re both like trying to be heroic good guys and struggling a little bit, so they should get along. But like in practice. Oh my god. they couldn’t fucking STAND each other but they’d have to because they’re trying to do the same things more or less and like, Ezra is trying SO HARD to find selflessness in Nissy and Nissy is trying SO HARD to make Ezra care literally At All about himself, and anyone who interacts with them trying to adventure is kinda just like uh ...... you know i’ll just wait while you two work this out. Verdict: Buddy Cop Dynamic

ezra/ebbie: i really don’t have strong feelings about this one like, i think they’d get along fine. they’re both just kinda dudes trying to do good and they’d vibe with each other but they’re not quite as similar as ebbie and tov to have any kind of strong dynamic. it’s like when two bus drivers wave at each other while passing in the street and its like YAHOO for one second and then they’ve passed each other. Verdict: If You’re Into Bland Ships To Self Project On

ezra/roona: very good friendship dynamic here. ezra knows that there’s good in roona and is content to wait with her while it worms its way out, and roona is glad to have someone to check her and occasionally get talked into doing some stupid shit. ezra gets a new baby sister, roona gets a second vinny. Verdict: It’s Familiar But Not Too Familiar

nissy/ebbie: ajskdfjsdjfisdjfsakfdjfdsakljfisaodf sadfkdsajfasdjfasfsdfjsiof hsadfjsdfsahfsdfjsdoifhsdf Verdict: Hhsdfkjasdhiuf 

ebbie/roona: so. ebbie has had to deal with an unstable 11 year old before, and keep her out of trouble, and roona has had a vinny to pull her out of bad situations before, so they like. Half understand the dynamic between them. Ebbie’s too much of a pushover though, or Roona’s too little of one, and so instead of like being a voice of reason that actually stops the bad ideas ebbie’s more just getting dragged into situation after situation that he is NOT comfortable and having to smooth everything over when all’s said and done. and like, they still enjoy each other’s company when they’re not in deep shit. they both lean pretty heavily towards same gender rather than not, so like they probably wouldn’t be into each other, but there’s a slight chance.   Verdict: Disney Channel Original Movie Protagonist + Scared Best Friend Dynamic

nissy/roona: you’d think it’d go badly, and by all accounts it should, but it doesn’t. nissy loves how spontaneous and wild roona is and loves the freer side of him that it brings out, and roona likes nissy’s careful intelligence that can be equally well applied to proper societal actions and also stupid pranks. low wis gang gets each other’s impulsiveness and doesn’t judge when things go wrong, but they’re always by each other’s sides to help get the other out of a pickle. they both stick out like sore thumbs in a crowd and don’t mind bouncing around from place to place because home isn’t really somewhere they want to head back to, but it’s alright, because they have consistency in each other. god fucking damn it i’m actually into this.  Verdict: Bastards In Love

[bluebeetle]

Tell me about your dnd ocs

oroooook super late on this sorry, as i said, computer troubles have been plaguing me and continue to do so

oook so the last image i posted that prompted this was mostly of a friends character but mine from the same game was in the corner, who is also the guy in my header:

(Art by @herobrushreplica !!)

anyways his name is Nico (short for Nicolas) and he’s a dhampir since we use a lot of homebrew, and also a ranger. so yeah he uses dueling and has some healing spells bc we are dumb and didnt plan ahead and had like no healers..... and also can turn into a bat

also hes the poor neutral good in a sea of chaotics (and one lawful good) 

He was kind of pre-existing prior to this but i expanded a bit more. anyways im lazy so ill copy-paste what i had written up already:

backstory:

A half-vampire born to a vampire hunter who's love was turned into a creature of the night as an act of revenge from a powerful vampire lord. The couple did not part nor kill each other like expected, however, and Nicolas (Nico for short) was born from this union. Raised in the art of fighting monsters and other creatures of the night, Nico learned how to use both ranged and melee weapons. He was brought up learning how all monsters--including more humanoid creatures such as Orcs, Vampire and Tieflings--were evil and it was the duty of his family to protect those in need from them.

 However, he grew up battling with his vampiric side. His father telling Nico that he was to never reveal it to anyone unless necessary, while his mother assured him he was an amazing creature, and one of good rather than evil. His relationship with his father was rocky, made worse whenever any of Nico's traits showed. He grew up unsure of his destiny, instead focusing solely on the wishes of his parents, and keeping himself distant from other people. 

 However, this was not to last forever, as while Nico aged normally until he reached 25, it seem became clear that like his mother, he was ageless. After the death of his father, Nico's mother left to sleep away her grief, leaving him alone. Nico left to travel the land, hoping to help those in trouble--occasionally for a cost--and find his way. He has a hard time opening up and trusting people, but is quick to become attached and affectionate regardless. He is plagued by feelings of doubt and uncertainty over his heritage and morality, wondering if what his father has taught him about different races is true or not. He worries about his vampire side coming out and harming people--even if he can survive on normal food and animal blood. His heritage is not something he reveals easily--as he has experienced plenty of blacklash for being a dhampir in the past.

 When it comes to taking action, he either impulsively acts, emotion taking over (often his temper) or overthinks, leaving him hesitant and confused. He's easily flustered and confused, wanting to help people and be in their company while also pushing them away in fear of them hating him for being what he is. He is bad at confrontation with authority figures, often instead going behind their backs. His main goal is to find his place in life, to chase away his feelings of loneliness and abandonment and feel assured in his morality and existence, in his choices. Or, at the very least, better understand himself.

He can survive on normal foods and animal blood, but would die if unable to eat any meat. Human blood is still tempting to him. He works best with melee weapons but has skills with the bow and whip. proficiency: arcana,athletics, perception, investigation,  survival

Personality Traits

*I judge people by their actions, not their words.

* If someone is in trouble, I’m always ready to lend help. I don’t talk about the thing that torments me.

* I’d rather not burden others with my curse. I expect danger around every corner.

* I refuse to become a victim, and I will not allow others to be victimized. I put no trust in divine beings.

* I live for the thrill of the hunt.

 Ideals:

*I try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost. (Good) 

*I kill monsters to make the world a safer place, and to exorcise my own demons. (Good) 

 Bonds:

*I protect those who cannot protect themselves. 

*A terrible guilt consumes me. I hope that I can find redemption through my actions. 

*There’s evil in me, I can feel it. It must never be set free. 

 Flaws

*The people who knew me when I was young know my shameful secret, so I can never go home again.

* have trouble trusting in my allies. 

*I feel no compassion for the dead. They’re the lucky ones.

so yeah edgy vampire oc... but i love him. most of it ends up with everyone being well chaotic and him trying to keep some semblance of order so they can actually reach their goal but usually its. a mess. but its fun. 

my other one ive used once so i dont have anything for her but shes an aarakocra  monk named Zeera! and is Chaotic good and basically just a vehicle for me to be like “ahah what bird behaviour would be funny in this situation”. also her look is based on ornate hawk-eagles bc theyre pretty

Backstory:

Once part of the guardsmen for her tribe, Zeera has since decided she wants to see more of the world. She used to be a soldier, and has medical knowledge. She left the guardsmen, though, tired of horrible commanders. Just one problem: growing up so isolated from other races combined with general bird behaviour, means she tends to stick out as a ditsy trouble maker. 

She takes anything shiny and doesn’t really understand many social concepts such as ownership. But she does understand fighting, oh boy does she. Somewhat childish in personality, acts very birdlike. Aggressive.

Personality Traits

*I enjoy being strong and like breaking things. I face problems head-on. 

*A simple, direct solution is the best path to success.

Ideals

*Independence. When people follow orders blindly, they embrace a kind of tyranny. (Chaotic) 

*Greater Good. Our lot is to lay down our lives in defense of others. (Good)

Bonds

*Those who fight beside me are those worth dying for.

Flaws

*I have little respect for anyone who is not a proven warrior.

*I’d rather eat my armor than admit when I’m wrong.

[bleepblopbloop56]

Yall want some more blanket fort au? No? Too bad

Roman and remy are polar opposites as children

Remy would do nothing but sleep as a baby, a lil angel child who barely cried and was easy to settle down

Roman would be screaming constantly and it drove both of them to tears at some point or another like “ food, diaper, burped, nap, what do you wANT”

They had to call patton's parents quite a few times being like “what do we do”

Remy liked bath times as a child, just loved the water.

Roman to this day still doesn't LIKE showering or bathing but he stopped throwing fits about ut around the age of 10

The only way to get that child to stay in a bath would be bubbles and so many toys you couldn't actually see the water

When they were still young enough to take baths together reny Did Not Like™ when roman would splash water everywhere. If we're being honest neither did patton or logan.

While getting him into the water was a struggle, getting him out was just as bad. He would kick and say no until he was in it, then didnt wanna get out.

Remy was just a freakin angel but a bit of a picky eater. Roman would eat anything he could get his hands on. Logan has lost count of how many times romans had to be stopped from eating mud, various bugs, a worm, or paint

Really the boy has no filter he's just if i can fit it in my mouth i can eat it

Neither likes carrots. They hate them actually.

Roman had a phase where he would only eat chicken nuggets for a solid month. They were Concerned™

Roman would make remy and virgil put on plays for their parents that neither wanted to do. Complete with horrible costumes often including one of logan's ties they keep managing to steal (patton helps but login doesn't need to know) improv songs, and about 3 minute long death scenes were roman has all the attention as he's like “BLARG I'M DYING OH NO I SEE THE LIGHT”

Logan always laughs at how cute they are and patton fakes the appropriate reactions (very obvious gasps, somewhat genuine laughs, clapping at the end of the songs, and fake crying when someone “dies”)

The first time there was a fake death on “stage” and patton was like “oh no!!” Roman broke scene too tell his dad that its okay he wasn't really dead

Reenactments of disney movies were everyone's favorite

Virgil never remembered the songs lyrics so would stand there awkwardly mumbling almost to the tune of the song and patton would clap regardless

As different as they are, when remy decided to make trouble along with roman, it was hell.

Going to the store with both children? Torture.

They'd run in different directions and try and climb out of the carts, logan needing to catch them right before they fell and seriously hurt themselves.

Roman would always wanna go to the toys and would sometimes try and sneak them in the cart and logan would stare him dead in the eyes as he pulled it out and put it back on the shelves.

Remy and roman: MCDONALDS MCDONALDS MCDONALDS

logan: one black coffee

Once the boys got ahold of logan's coffee when he wasn't looking… patton immediately put a month long coffee ban on the house due to the disaster that was trying to get two sugar rushed toddlers in control

The boys have had screaming contests before that caused many headaches from their dads. I don't have anything else to say except the boys sitting in their room just shouting to see who could scream the loudest. Patton then had to explain that if they kept this up someone would call the cops and that would be a bad thing

The boys house has a second floor which means there's a staircase which means many shenanigans. Such as:

Trying to see who could slide down the railing the best

Seeing how far they could jump off the stairs

Getting in a cardboard box and sledding into a pile of stuffed animals at the bottom

And trying to crabwalk up the stairs

Needles to say the stairs were the cause if many bruises

Storytimes with logan were always a treat

Patton would usually take care of putting them to bed, but some nights they just wanted papa to read to them

Remy was always much easier to put to sleep since he acted like a normal human being and get progressively sleepier until it was time to nap

While remy was more like a dial, roman was a light switch. It was all or nothing with him

He'd be bouncing off the wall completely and totally awake and then just shout “OKAY I'M TIRED NOW” and you had about 10 seconds to catch him before he passes out in his feet or just straight up goes limp in your arms and sleeps for a few hours.

Logan still says teaching roman to walk was his biggest mistake. Walking led to climbing and running and trouble. While remy would giggle and waddle around trying to climb on couches and tables, roman would run as fast as he could until something or someone stopped him. Usually a table or an unsuspecting human.

And while remy always prefered to be covered, roman Did Not like clothes. 90% of the time he was a baby/toddler he was only in a diaper cause he managed to wiggle his way out of his clothes when people weren't looking.

Shirts were the bane of his existence and don't even get him started in pants. He spent a lot of time in skirts just cause he didnt want to wear pants and patton “compromised” with him.

It was less a compromise more “listen kiddo you gotta wear something how bout this”

Potty training was not a good time in any of their lives. Remy and roman had no idea what was going on and patton and logan also had no idea how to do this.

Parenting books galore, mixed with calls to every adult person with a child they knew

“But the book says-”

“The books say to do this but trust me, it doesn't work and most of those people grow up to have asshole children so listen just don't”

“Hey karen i know we haven't talked in 2 years but how do children work”

“Hey mom yes i know its two am but what did you do when i wouldn't go back to sleep?”

Car rides worked pretty well to get remy back to sleep but roman needed a lot of physical contact at all times.

For most of his life if roman wasn't either swaddled or being held, hed cry. Remy doesn't mind it but usually he's okay with just hand holding if he wants affection. Roman just needs to be fully octopussed around someone at all times

Family game night as children was actually pretty fun and tame. Until they grow up and it get more and more aggressive.

At first when it was just roman and remy they'd be teams (roman and patton, remy and logan. Sometimes they'd switch but you don't mess with tradition)

Then virgil started being allowed to play and they went to adults vs children

And as the boys got old enough to stop playing on teams that's when things got interesting

At first they worried how the competitive yelling would effect virgil but it seems like he joined in just as fast.

And then when dimitri joined… boy it was every man for himself and they were all out for blood.

Monopoly is banned from the house but uno? Uno is screaming and betrayal, and they always play for snacks. Winner gets to choose what we eat tonight, a full thing of oreos that they are not required to share if they win (they usually do. Except dee. He just says fuck you and eats them all)

Edit: this post isnt fucking showing up in the right order on my blog and im fucking upset

[hereliesbitches--me]

The Writeup on Rosie's parents:

I dont think anyone actually knows it, and it's probably the faintest quality that could he given away in Rosie's hair, but she is in fact a Hispanic gal. Rosie was born in Miami, Florida in March of 1983, to a Puerto Rican mother and her father can be assumed to be of Italian descent given his last name, though he is not very culturally inclined at all.

Carmellia Hidalgo was a young woman at 22 when she had Rosie, and Roland Valentine had been in his later years at 28 years old. They were a couple definitely formed out of puppy love a few years prior: Roland admired the life and free spirit in Carmellia, and Carmellia was very easily swayed by Roland's gentleman charm and mannerism. Given that this is the 80s, a time where being Hispanic wasnt exactly welcomed (even if Puerto Rico is considered a US territory), it was a breath of fresh air to Carmellia to be respected, and she fell hard. Unfortunately, shortly after Rosie was born, with rising stress trying to manage a baby and their own life goals, tension grows when love fades as those endearing qualities of free spirit become an unwillinhness to compromise and make change. Roland was more of a reserved, traditional man. He wanted to help Carmella in her situation, encouraged her to go to college and he helped pay for it as she worked towards becoming a nurse while he himself was working towards becoming a politician, but he was not blind to her impulsive and irrational behavior. Roland wanted to try to correct his wife, and in retaliation Carmellia was notorious to defensive and aggressive behavior. This would be the source of many of their fights, with Carmellia being the violent one throwing objects and jabbing at Roland for trying to deem her as something unwell, or something lesser than him (as she interpreted it).

In reflection, Rosie inherited her Bipolar disorder from her mother. And just like her mother, they are undiagnosed.

The difference lies in the time period as well. The condition was not well understood in the 70s-80s time period. It was briefly understood but just like all mental illnesses its stigmatized. Carmellia knew something was off, but she was in denial. There was too much to be done to stop and try to get an illness treated, and being a minority already made it hard enough. When Rosie was 5 years old, frightened by another one of their violent fights , she tried to run away to get away from the sounds, and wound up getting hit by a car that had killed her (in which, at this point, is where the Moon spirit steps into the body and takes on her life ) but she miraculously revives with some major head trauma and memory problems.

This fight was the breaker, when Roland realize it was a danger to their daughter. He left within a few months of this incident, for the sake of stopping the fighting, but despite his insistence Carmellia refused to let him take Rosie with him. While he had a better standing and mental state, he rather not make little Rosita suffer by confusing her with their fight. He yields to Carmellia, and he remained in Florida for a few months, until eventually leaving to DC to pursue his career as a politician when Carmellia continued to refuse to let him see Rosie. He sent money down to support them, but he would not see his daughter for 5 years. Rosie could hardly remember him since he left. Roland never stopped loving Carmellia, even if she couldn't stand him , but he couldnt handle her anymore.

Life with Carmellia was difficult for both Rosie and her mother. She was a single mother, becoming a nurse in this big city, and trying to manage bouts of mania and depression. an Impulsive move 2 years (1990) later winds Carmellia up in a situation with an unfaithful, abusive lover, who will eventually be the father to Rosie’s younger brother, Alexander. He leaves them when Alexander was about a few months old, with Carmellia forcing him out of their lives after he threatened them for the last time. what was already a tight situation only worsened with a baby involved. Rosie hardly ever really saw her mother, but she was taught early how to take care of herself with what they had. She never questioned anything that happened, why she was always the one taking the brunt of everything -- Her mother's impulsive verbal lashing and tendency to break things in anger, Rosie being the oldest was held at a higher standard of expectations. It was just how things were, while her mother doted on the baby Alexander with the time she had. Rosie had even learned how take care of her brother so her mom could rest in those very rare occasions she wasnt working.

While Carmellia was not an intentionally bad mother, but she was mentally ill and would not admit it. She loved her children, but was possessive with her fear of being alone, to the point of suffocation. Too prideful to admit she needed help, her children often suffered with her, and this was Rosie's life until August of 1992.

August 26, 1992, Hurricane Andrew makes landfall in Florida, and in a matter of hours Miami is flattened and ripped apart by a category 5 hurricane. In its wake, millions were left homeless, which would have included Carmellia and her two kids. Living in a shelter, Carmellia was left struggling with aiding in medical care because she was a nurse, and keeping track of her little ones. Elsewhere, an opportunity presented itself, and Roland took it as a chance to get his daughter back. Leaving from DC to Florida to help with the relief efforts, Roland tracked down Carmellia and the family at long last in a crowded shelter. Much to Carmellia's fury and horror, Roland did not shy away from telling her what he came for. The man who was a better suited caretaker, with more to offer for the safety of Rosie and her future, and he was there to take Rosie from her. To say there was no battle was an understatement. Carmellia could scream, she could curse him, she could get angry, but in the end she knew she had no standing even if they had gone from a legal standpoint. She had no home, no safe environment but the ruins of a shattered life, and no one would ever take her side against a wealthy man. She tried to scold Rosie into staying with her, when Roland made the option to let Rosie decide, but in the end that fearful little girl saw the opportunity to escape, and she turned her back on her mother for the first time. The first time she ever ran away, and in retrospect it feels like Rosie never stopped running since that time. Shes learned to always run.

Now, life with Roland wasnt as rough as with her mother.. but it wasnt the perfect childhood either. Roland had wealth and prestige being a skillful politician and a man of the people, but that didnt mean he was prepared to really be a dedicated parent.

Roland had lived a generally independent life. He didnt bother with remarrying, he didnt have much family he was connected to, he had workers who cared for the house, and he was dedicated to the work for the common people and working on issues which affected the lower class, minorities especially. He even delved into dealing with the criminal underworld, though that was only known to him. Having Rosie with him was more for the sake of having the peace of mind that she was with him, and he was providing, even I'd he wasnt always actively there. He had control of the situation, and that was enough. He kept her occupied by buying her whatever she wanted to entertain her, to make her feel like he did care and he loved her in order to make up for his lack of presence. Nonetheless, even having his daughter there, he continued to work in the same fashion he did before. Rosie was left in the trusted care of the head house keeper, Alfred, who himself was an age old friend/Mentor for Roland. Rosie saw him like a grandfather, and one of the most constant people in her life. The most she saw of her father were in the morning they shared over breakfast, listening to old vinyl records and dancing around the kitchen. She saw him sometimes in the evening briefly before bed, and that was it for the most part. She had simple expectations: to do well in school, to behave herself, to act with dignity of someone with high status because she was representing him as his daughter. She would have to learn to act proper as a lady from upper class, learn the ways of diplomacy and the two faced ways of politics. She couldn't truly be herself if she wanted to get somewhere with people, that was one of the first life lessons she picked up from her father. It would be one of the stepping stones which shapes her personality today, and even a basis of the creation of alternate personalities. A traditional man as her father was, he thought Rosie like his delicate daughter, and believed as a lady she shouldn't work in anything too laborious. Just like himself, he wanted her to take up in politics, or become a lawyer if she wanted to deal with law. His views often annoyed her, but she was never one to argue, and simply did what was asked of her, up until she grew older. She wanted to make a difference, she wanted to show that she wasnt delicate, and with some help of Alfred she was able to convince her father to let her do more-- which would set the stage of being put in the Calvary, with the help of Clifton, a friend of her father's. This would be the next stepping stone of her life after her father was found dead, ruled as a suicide and unsolved because they could not find any evidence that would say otherwise. Within rosie resided bitter feelings when she knew foul play was involved, but like always, no one ever listened. Once more, shes shuffled forward onto the next person.

The life Rosie shared with both her parents was always somewhat negligent, though it was not out of pure Malice. They gave her what she needed, but they both had a hand in controlling the way she went. Her father more so than her mother, given she lived with him from age 9 to 15. Both believing they knew what was best for her, her father consistently offering her to the world for all sorts of opportunities, but it was not always what Rosie herself wanted. Nothing was ever constant, and she was constantly handed off to the next person in line to deal with her. The relationship between Carmellia and Roland was never a healthy one, and that alone would be one of the major flaws Rosie had to discover on her own. How to love, who to love, how to be a parent. Love would hurt, it would break you down in the worst possible ways, it could make you Elated, or it wouldnt always last. Her parents taught simply how to survive enough in the world, her father taught her how to be superficial, but sincere relationships? How to be a good parent?

That was all trial and error she had to learn one step at a time. And it burned her, more often than not. One thing she learned what she had to do everything for her children that her parents didnt do for her, but much to her own horror, the older she gets the more she realizes it just played as a cycle. She could be like the both of them. As much as she tries to fight it, the older she was, the more she understands why things happen the way they do.

The condition of her mother is one of the biggest reasons Rosie prefers a partner that would need her. It attracts her to the troubled and the lonely, and urges her to make things better. To help them in a way no one helped her or her mother

Because deep down, a part of her feels things could have been different if someone could have just stayed. Her resilience to a lost cause may be the thing that gets Rosie killed one day, or even draws her into unhealthy relationships no matter how it hurts her.

[yuugo]

an essay on homura takeru

logs onto tumblr for the first time in a year just so i can post this

a seriously long post ahead

-

anyway this isnt a ~formal essay~ i’m sorry in advance but i’m just trying to dump all the stuff i’ve wanted to talk about for a long while because i really like takeru in vrains and the new ep reminded me that i still hadnt really wrote out my thoughts yet

(not formally anyway, just in stray tweets)

three points to this essay:

- explain takeru’s backstory and how it relates to the present - the way takeru dealt with his trauma and why it’s important - a little bit about soulburner

for archive purposes this essay was written after episode 59 aired and does not take anything past ep59 into account (because at the time of writing this it didnt exist yet)

-

the way vrains has showed how different characters deal with childhood trauma is extremely interesting to me because every single character that we’ve seen involved in the lost incident so far has dealt with it in a different way, and it perfectly parallels how people respond to trauma in real life. i have a lot of thoughts on this matter bc it’s also personal to me but that really doesn’t matter right now. for today i just want to talk about homura takeru

i’m going to assume everyone reading this is familiar with the lost incident, but quick tl;dr anyway: six kids got kidnapped and held in solitary confinement for 6 months where the only thing they could do was duel. and how well they dueled determined if they ate or not

all of the kids involved in the lost incident came out of it differently: kusanagi jin never truly left the lost incident, as he’s still in a psychiatric hospital to this day due to it. spectre fully embraced what happened to him and decided to return for more after finding out the only thing holding him to the “outside world” (his mother tree) was gone, because the lost incident was the only time when he felt needed (eps35-37, playmaker vs spectre duel).

yuusaku underwent therapy and rehabilitation but never actually recovered. he still suffers ptsd from it to this day (ep19, playmaker vs akira zaizen), and had become (rightfully) angry at what happened to him, leading him to team up with kusanagi shoichi (kusanagi jin’s brother) to deliver justice/revenge.

takeru came out of the lost incident also traumatized, as he mentions he never dueled again (ep52).

takeru is something of a special case as we see in his backstory that not only did the lost incident traumatize him, but due to his disappearance, his parents died while looking for him. in a sense, takeru came out of the ordeal with not only the trauma of the lost incident, but also the trauma of losing his parents at a young age (6), both happening at around the same time

the way takeru dealt with these two traumas was to completely re-invent himself. he “sealed away” his memories of the lost incident and completely changed who he was in order to avoid having to actually deal with it. takeru says this himself that the time after the lost incident to the end of season 1 of vrains--that was not actually him, as in his true self

however, what most interests me about this exchange is the way kiku (the girl) responds to his declarations that he’s “not himself”

after the lost incident, takeru had to relocate and live with his grandparents in another town because his parents were dead and could no longer tend to him. that means that everyone in the town never actually met takeru--that is, who takeru was before the lost incident. everyone in town knew only the post-lost incident takeru

kiku’s responses to takeru’s declaration that he’s going to leave give us a lot of context as to who takeru invented himself to be and how long he held up this facade. kiku is obviously someone who is close to takeru, as she shows worry for him not attending school, and he entrusts her with taking care of his grandparents. he even tells her that he’s been faking it this whole time

however, even despite all this, takeru never once dropped his facade around her before this moment (this moment being takeru reading the news article about playmaker/blue angel/go and the knights of hanoi), which is why she shows such surprise to his declarations and doesn’t understand what’s going on.

but she supports him, because

this is the most important part of their interaction to me. it implies that kiku has never seen takeru so resolute and full of ambition before this, and it’s been a long 10 years since takeru moved to this town. 10 years of keeping up the facade of being someone else in order to deal with what happened

this scene also goes to show just how much the news article about playmaker, blue angel, and go onizuka fighting the knights of hanoi meant to him. he’s willing to completely undo 10 years of his facade because of it. here was someone else from the lost incident (yuusaku), who fought and confronted his trauma head-on. completely opposite of takeru who ran away from it

takeru could have, arguably, gone to den city to meet any one of them, but he chose yuusaku because they know what each other went through

the complete image change is also super interesting, because takeru looks much rougher and tougher, like a typical japanese delinquent, than what he looks like now. the opening for this season even has a still to highlight his persona

and kiku confirms in their aforementioned interaction that he actually doesn’t go to school a lot (she was super happy when takeru said he’d finally “go”). it completes his whole delinquent persona nicely

this image is a COMPLETE 180 from what we see him as now

tamer hair, glasses, and his blazer is even buttoned! yuusaku doesn’t button his or wear his shirt properly (the top button is open). takeru looks much more put together than what he used to be

even the body language of these two are different. the delinquent persona takeru looks aggressive and unfriendly but the takeru with yuusaku and kusanagi is much more open, much more happy

and it’s not like we haven’t seen this style of takeru before, because

he looks exactly as he did when he was younger, before the lost incident occurred

why choose this look? why of all the images he could have remade himself into, why did he go back to what he used to look like before the lost incident?

because he’s finally making up for lost time.

because takeru is finally being who he was supposed to be, or in better terms, who he actually is, not his delinquent persona

in a sense takeru is regaining all the years he missed from his life pretending to be someone he isnt. he felt truly and genuinely inspired by playmaker, go, & blue angel because they fought his oppressors and the people who caused him pain. they fought while he did nothing, and this inspired him. he was truly super happy to duel go until he realized that go had completely changed from what takeru saw him as (a hero)

but reading the article made him realize: i cant keep hiding forever. like playmaker, i have to face it head on, because otherwise it's never gonna leave me. he's still haunted by the lost incident & you can tell because of just how much the article meant to him. takeru reverted once he read the news. he needed to do something

flame & the ignis gave him something to fight for. teaming up with yuusaku gave him something to strive for. he left his town & went back to den city because he wanted to make a difference and confront his past, and that’s exactly what he’s doing now, after all these years of running

and it’s really major! you know why? because dueling is his trauma

and here he is, dueling again after all these years of never touching duel monsters. 10+ years. his drive to try dueling again despite it being his trauma is his first step to getting out of his bubble. & meeting flame in the link vrains helped him realize he could actually do something

takeru is really an amazing character to me, someone who broke free of his self-imposed prison and decided to finally stop running. confronting his trauma firsthand is something that takes a lot of courage to do, especially for someone like takeru who has spent more than half of his life pretending like it didnt happen. it’s harder to convince yourself to do something than it is to convince others

and despite all this, he’s here now. he’s fighting.

and he’s really... someone to be admired. it’s hard to put into words the reason why this character means so much to me. he’s very inspirational

there’s a lot more i could say about how different takeru’s personality is in real life compared to when he’s in link vrains as soulburner (he’s much more shy irl, but soulburner isnt) and how this all relates to who he is as a person who’s just starting to get back on his feet.

but that’s a lot of words that i can save for another essay

anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk

catch me on twitter

[pwnyta]

AIGHT So ya know how I said I made my own Omegaverse world but made it super convoluted? HERE IT IS. Theres gonna be lame doodles because im inarticulate. Also... of course its /Tony centered.... sorta. Id ship him with Jarvis and Friday myself but w/e

Tony is an Omega bounty hunter taking up his Betas fathers mantle... though since hes an Omega other bounty hunters dont work with him.... which is fine with him because theyre a blood thirsty lot anyways and he’d rather capture his criminal targets rather than kill them. But hes got one Alpha he wants dead for murdering his father and mother... ;;;)))(its Bucky obviously) He doesnt know what the guy looks like but hes an infamous creature that plenty of bounty hunters are gunning for. The talisman around Tonys neck keeps him protected (its the anchor item for his Wraiths Jarvis and Friday. Tony also has a lot of creative non-leathal weapons he uses during his hunts like liquid light that can stun light-sensetive Alphas.

WORLD ‘’SET UP’’!!!! VVVVVV

First of all its a world where Betas have the biggest population. Theyre basically regular humans(except any Beta can bare children... unless some health issue or someshit.). Alphas are monsters. LITERALLY. Like vamps/wolves/demons etc different breeds of Alphas but all of them are treated just as monsters. Omegas are crossbreeds of the two. Omegas inherit some traits from their Alpha parent-- pointy ears and teeth are very common, antenna, wings, weaker versions of their powers, etc.

Usual A/B/O shenanigans apply.

Alphas can only be born from an Alpha/Omega pair. Alpha children are their Alpha parents species. Omegas can only be born from an Alpha/Beta pair. Alpha/Alpha and Omega/Omega pairs cant produce young, Alphas cant bare children/Omegas cant sire a child. (Betas can do w/e. They dont need the other two which is why theyre so judgemental and why Alpha and Omega breeds are so low.)

Alpha(/Omega) Breeds:

Werewolf: ---Threat level: (depends on pack size, lower number packs tend to be more aggressive. Lone Wolves are often feral and scapegoats/targets for bounty hunters.) ---Rarity: ★✩✩✩✩ (very common) ---Powers: Quite a bit stronger and faster than a regular human(strength varies with moon cycle), telepathic pack communication, high endurance, regeneration ---Weaknesses: Silver, wolfsbane, strength variations during moon cycles, pack dependency. ----Defining features: Fur tipped ears, dog like teeth, fluffy tails. ----Characters: Steve, Bucky, Rumlow, Rhodey, Gamora, Drax, Yondu, Scott

Highly pack dependent to a point it effect their mental stability. They also mate for life. Loyalty is valued most in a pack and pack mates that betray the pack arent killed, theyre banished and usually go mad and then are killed.

Bucky was taken and being away from his pack turned him feral assassin for Hydra. (his pack mate Rumlow set him up and works for Hydra... Hydras still a thing... except theyre Betas mostly.)

Vampire: ---Threat level: ★★★✩✩ ---Rarity: ★✩✩✩✩ ---Powers: Wall climbing, super speed and agility, energy absorption+healing when drinking blood, greater strength than an average Beta but not quite as strong as a Wolf. A bite from a vampire causes a victim to obey their Vampire sire (but will not transform them) ---Weaknesses: Typical vampire bullshit. Whos allergic to garlic of all things? ASSHOLES. Thats who. ----Defining features: Small pointy ears, fangs, glowy red eyes. ----Characters: Natasha, Peter, Nebula

Vampires are seen as pests by Betas and sometimes even other Alpha types. They tend to stay in small packs for protection as theyre not as strong as most other Alphas.

Dragonblood: ---Threat level: ★★★★★ ---Rarity: ★★★★✩ ---Powers: High strength and endurance*, fire breath and immunity*, regeneration/semi-immortal (can be killed by outside sources but will never die of old age) *Dragons power is enhanced by the type of fire they possess- Red is most common, orange, white, then blue is the most rare. Dragons bare their throats as a sign of dominance (unlike other Alphas) to show off their flame color. ---Weaknesses: Fae magic and Dragon blood (another Dragons blood on a sword will poison it) ----Defining features: Horns, wings, glowing from the throat ----Characters: Quill=Blue, Ego=Orange, (O)Frigga=Blue, Heimdall=White

Dragons arent looked down on the way most Alphas are by Betas but theyre highly feared and are targeted as a good trophy by hunters.

Demon: ---Threat level: ★★★★★ ---Rarity: ★★★★★ ---Powers: Dark magic, flame resistance, enhanced strength and endurance, nigh invulnerability. ---Weaknesses: Spiritual belief. ----Defining features: Horns, wings, glowing eyes, whip like tails. ----Characters: TChalla, Thor, Odin, Peggy

Besides Wraith, Demons are most feared by Betas. Demons can grant any wish(besides true immortality) in exchange of a soul but selling a soul to a Demon will cause a mortals afterlife to become misery until theyre turned into a little imp creature that will do the bidding of their Demon sire.

Fae: ---Threat level: ★★✩✩✩ ---Rarity: ★★★★★ ---Powers: Nature related magic, super speed, nigh invulnerability, healing, empathy, beauty. ---Weaknesses: Iron, ash wood, salt. (theyre also kind of easy to bribe with sweets) ----Defining features: ----Characters: Maria, Mantis, Hope, (O)Tony

Fae are considered ‘good‘ Alphas and are highly romanticized but they have short tempers and can become pretty dangerous and spiteful when crossed.

Witch: ---Threat level: (depends on Witch) ---Rarity: ★★✩✩✩ ---Powers: Magic limited by their own creativity and skill level. ---Weaknesses: Fire, destroying their talisman or familiar, other witches, power addictions. ----Defining features: n/a ----Characters: Strange, Wanda, Obie, Pepper, (O)Meredith

Witches are pack minded Alphas and dont stray too far from their covens. Theyre the most hated Alpha type because they lack any noticeable Alpha features and can blend in with Beta communities if they choose. (though it often doesnt end well for them if theyre caught. *Tristan voice*BURN THE WITCH)

Wraith: ---Threat level: ★★★★★ ---Rarity: ✩✩✩✩✩ (Wraiths are everywhere in their own plane but rarely seen by mortal eyes) ---Powers: Typical ghost/poltergeist shenanigans, flight, intangibility, possession, telekinesis etc ---Weaknesses: Can only remain in the mortal realm by an anchor item, if the item is depowered the Wraith will be banished and if its destroyed the Wraith will be destroyed. ----Defining features: Translucent, corpse-y look??? ----Characters: Jarvis, Friday, Karen

Wraiths are one of the most feared Alphas due to their abilities and lack of weaknesses, most Wraith are more playful than malicious though. But they are possessive of what they consider theirs....

Jarvis and Friday are the Wraith Tony has anchored to his pendant. As a thank you for keeping their anchor safe they help him when he needs them (Possessing him will allow them to control his body and give them their strength and powers). Theyd look a little something like:

Troll: ---Threat level: ★★★✩✩ ---Rarity: ★✩✩✩✩ ---Powers: Super strength, endurance, stealth ---Weaknesses: Direct sunlight will turn them into stone until its night again, but if theyre broken before that theyll be killed. ----Defining features: 1-5 small horns, hairy, small tusks from their bottom jaw, long/round ears ----Characters: Bruce, Loki, Harley, Happy

Trolls are solitary creatures that usually avoid others at all costs, theyre only really dangerous when threatened or if theyre assholes(Loki)?

Harpy: ---Threat level: ★★★✩✩ ---Rarity: ★★★✩✩ ---Powers: Flight, sound manipulation, super speed ---Weaknesses: Theyre fragile birdy bones? ----Defining features: Feathery wings and feather tipped ears, yellow eyes, scales and talons on their hands ----Characters: Sam, Clint, (O)Brunhilde

Harpys are pack Alphas but generally stay with their own type. They very rarely get hunted theyre just too damn hard to catch(but that makes them a valuable trophy catch for hunters).

----

SO YEAH. All the typical A/B/O stuff can be applied... but now theres fun fantasy and horror elements!!!! YEAH! Thats the shit I like! Im sure ya didnt read this far....

[autisticmob]

tagged by uhh nobody but allie @pundeserving kinda left it open and im swoocing in because its fun. you cant fuckng stop me.

Rules: Choose any three fandoms (in any order), answer the questions and tag 10 people you want to get to know better

I choose…

1. homed Stuck

2. mob psycho

3. fma

The first character you loved!

1. ARADIA like ok first panel she was in i saw her and i was like “telekinesis? kinda spooky?? oh shit my TYPE” and that was it. it helps that she turned out to be objectively the best homestuck character as well.

2. MOB HES SUCH A GOOD BOY!! like, he’s the first character you’re exposed to and he’s so good, I don’t think you can avoid loving him first.

3. i mean. it’s gotta be alphonse. like... what a sweet boy? all the bad shit happened to him and he deserved NONE of it, my poor fucking SON.

The character you never expected to love so much!

1. ok in all honesty, sollux. sollux is tied with aradia for my all time favorite homestuck character, but the only reason i ever paid any attention to him was because i happened to have some weird 3D sunglasses, and that meant he was the first character I was able to cosplay easily. but obviously if you pay enough attention to him you realize hes a fantastic boy. like hes a fatalistic douche and a massive weenie but he cares about his friends so much?? like to the point of repeated, kinda horrifying self-sacrifice? and he was 13!!! its so fucked up but he just is love his friends THAT MUCH and now I’m sobbing.

2. shou. it’s 100% because i watched the anime first, and he’s barely in it at all, so it’s hard to get a read on him from that. but obviously after reading the manga im like oh hes just a young chaos gay. a sweet baby boy who doesnt know shit except how to exploit psychic powers for fun and profit (and also revolution against his shitty dad.)

3. ed tbh? hes such a shit boy. like tbh i found him kind of annoying and unlikable at first? but he’s the protag, so you KNOW he’s gotta get that good good character development throughout the series, and he does! hes a lot more complex than he seems at first and even if he’s largely STUPID about his interpersonal relationships, that’s just because he’s, y’know, a literal child, and doesn’t mean he doesn’t care a whole fucking lot about his family/friends.

The character you relate to most!

1. dave. there is an ever-expanding running tally of outside sources which have pointed him out as my government-assigned homestuck kin and at this point it would be foolish to argue. rose is a CLOSE second.

2. mob. i have a whole post about why he’s so relatable to me but tl;dr he’s got mad issues with expressing emotions outwardly, but that doesnt mean he doesnt love his friends more than fucking ANYTHING and thats a mood

3. winry. special interest hell, no time for bullshit.

The character you’d slap!

1. andrew hussie the man himself... (among a number of other characters. it would take a lot to list all of them but just know orangeman is at the top of that list)

2. touchy hoe is the obvious answer, I think.

3. envy. the nonbinary representation i deserve and you’re coming in here with that hair?? that fucking crop top monstrosity?? get the fuck out.

Three favourite characters (in order of preference)!

1. aradia, sollux, dave

2. mob, shou, serizawa

3. alphonse, riza hawkeye, olivier armstrong. im gay, what do u want from me.

A character you liked at first but don’t anymore!

1. i had a phase toward the beginning of my time in the fandom where i really really liked eridan. i don’t like... DISLIKE him now or anything, but i just... don’t really care about him all that much anymore?

2. this is hard because my love for most mp100 characters has only grown over time. i guess mezato? again i dont DISLIKE her, i kinda thought she’d have more to her character than just manipulating mob for her own interests, but then she just... didn’t, really? which was disappointing, i thought there was more potential there.

3. most of the homunculi? tbh? they all seemed really interesting and honestly opening with greed’s arc the way they did I thought they’d all get more development than they did. like... envy got some, sort of, and pride/wrath kinda did too, but like. not enough to be satisfying. and then lust gluttony and sloth were just kinda... there? idk i understand WHY they didn’t all get individual arcs because like thatd be a mess but the fact that they didnt is why my interest in them kind of dwindled off over time. (aside from greed who was Very good the whole time.)

A character you did not like at first but do now!

1. She Who Must Not Be Discoursed. like at first i was like aight shes bitchy and terrible whatever im not interested but then as time went on i was like oh shes bitchy and terrible AND interesting. idk. still have mixed feelings about vriska and i absolutely will Not get into discourse about her but yeah shes Neat if nothing else.

2. teru... honey im sorry but before i watched mp100 everyone was like “wow i love teru!” and when i first saw him i was like “... okay why tho...” but I KNOW NOW. teru did a lot of things wrong, in his life, i know this and i love him.

3. roy mustang. literally didn’t give a shit about him for like... a lot of the time? toward the end i started warming up to him tho.

Three OTPs!

1. aradia<3sollux, sollux<>terezi, dave<3karkat. like... these are just some kids who genuinely care a lot about each other, and i like to cry about that sometimes.

2. teru/mob/takenaka is a good one. teru and takenaka both like mob because he likes them regardless of the fact that they are passive aggressive dicks. they continue to be passive aggressive dicks to Each Other for a while until they like, idk, actually talk to each other like real people and realize that they have shit in common and are actually capable of being decent. After this point they Will kill or die for each other (and mob still.)  serirei is of course a classic tale of two disaster gays. and then ritshou is VERY good. like. its SO fucked up how quickly they go from like one-sided crush, one-sided Mortal Enemy Status to just. Real Chill Bros in canon it makes no sense and my only explanation is that they were both so goddamn desperate for a meaningful connection with somebody their own age that they just. Settled for each other?? at which point they got VERY lucky because they both turned out to be genuinely good and sweet boys underneath all the trauma and questionable life choices.

3. ok ed and winry are okay and all, i get the appeal and stuff but like. WHY DO PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT ALL OF WINRY’S EXCELLENT GIRLFRIENDS? paninya?? an incredible option, 10/10 cyborg gf. sciezka? cryptid live-in gal pal. LET WINRY HAVE A TON OF GIRLFRIENDS, ITS WHAT SHE DESERVES!!

gonna tag...... uh. @whentvsfly @imhereformysciencefriends @margoslxix and i think most of the other people i wouldve tagged have already BEEN tagged so uhhh mutuals all of u DO it

[kitsuhe]

i wanna rant about my shitty grandparents (mostly grandfather for now) and how my parents didnt deserve any of this.

a side story of how my parents met: my mom was from China and worked in a cafe (with lodging) for years. she wanted to leave china because the marriage laws werent very good to women, they didnt have a lot of rights, and people can just get married and divorced on a whim, and so a marriage there would make her feel very insecure.

she saw loads of men with fancy motorcycles they probably borrowed flirting with the waitresses and getting them pregnant even though some of those men were married already. she saw loads of waitresses in and out of the job, and so she willed to never give in to the flirtations and worked at the cafe till she was around 26.

my father’s boss was in that area once in a while and frequented that cafe. he noticed my mom who always remained there and was like hey she seemed to be a nice woman and so he introduced her to his son, aka my fathers colleague.

according to my mom, the son was a wishy-washy man who couldnt make up his mind. they went for a few dates and things werent really clicking. my father, however, said ‘i want her’ when he saw her and so the choice was made, they started dating, and she went back to china for the time being. they then maintained a long distance relationship with phone calls, and one year later she came to singapore and got married. 

cute, right?

then the in-laws hell, aka my grandparents begun.

and now my father’s backstory, first:

he was the classic example of the scapegoat i think. out of his siblings (an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister), he was the one my grandparents hated the most. ‘hated’ isnt even an exaggeration, apparently hey did tell him explicitly that he was the one they hated the most. A+ parenting yall. when in school, while his siblings get 50cents and 30cents (in order of favouritism), he got 20cents or none. they didnt care about the education of their kids, and so my dad dropped out at P3 (9 years old) and the others all within primary school age. my aunt may have went further though, im not sure.

when he started working at 13, my grandma would wait at the door everytime he got his salary and took all of it away. i dont think he got to keep any of it. she gambled quite often and spent loads of money.

it was from these incredibly unfair xperiences on childhood that my dad swore he would treat and spoil his kids and not show favouritism.

my parents got married years later, and basically everyone in my extended family h a t e d my mom, despite it being entirely non-justified because my mom is a freaking wonderful woman who isnt afraid of hardwork. Because my mom came from china, im presuming that its some mixture of xenophobia and racism that made them say that my mom was only here to mooch off my dad, and treat her like shit, until they didnt as they finally opened their eyes.

over here, all men have to go through compulsory national serivce, and my dad was no exception. after serving the 2 years they have to go back periodically for reservist training. this is the background info for this incident im going to repeat from my mother.

after she got married over here, my dad still had to go for reservist training. they only had a limited amount of time to use the phone after one entire week. my mom called him, talked to him as his wife, before uncle2 (the younger brother) interruppted her and told her to stop using the phone. assuming that he had an emergency,  my mom quickly finished and hung up, my dad losing his rare few minutes to talk to his wife.

then uncle2 didnt use the phone.

god fucking damn it.

an example of unfair treatment: uncle1 had a different wife at that time. while my mom cooked entire meals for the family (they were living with my grandparents and uncle2 and probably aunt at that time) while being pregnant, when it came to be her birthday, my grandma didnt give her a red packet (gift of money). ‘im an old woman who hasnt worked for years, i have no money’.

then when it came to uncle1′s wife, who had never cooked any food and only got takeaways when she visited, she got a big shiny red packet from my grandma.

yeah, what the hell. my mom said she was very upset about this and cried. god, she was surrounded by people who hated her and yet she still worked so hard for them, she genuinely doesnt deserve this.

heres another thing about my grandma: apparently she gambled so often she oftently went to genting to gamble and the money all came from her kids. yeah. .

(my dads a chef, uncle1 is a mechanic, uncle2 is a part timer with no set jobs, and aunt is unknown.)

then i was born. my mom wasnt a citizen, and had to pay a lot of money to stay in the most expensive hospital word. the rare good thing my grandpa did was to fork out $2000 for her to have me. one day, if i can and he isnt dead yet, i will pay him back. ‘thats your coffin money’ i will say. ‘im not obligated to you anymore please leave my life forever’ i want to say.

looking back at the thick stack of photo albums, things appeared to be all happy and fun. people were smiling in the pictures, and i was showered in love and affection from everyone. it is only recently that i came to learn of the shit my parents went through under them.

i was also a lively and boisterous child who had no concept of day and night, it was almost enough to scare my parents into not having my siblings. nonetheless, my sister came into existence.

picture this: my dad looking all frazzled and tired as he took care of a wild toddler at the hospital without sleeping for 3 days straight, and my mom in labour, waiting to give birth. the nurse asked why wasnt anyone there to help out? 

my mom said that was the only time she had ever seen my dad cry. my sister, my mom, and i all teared up as she recounted this.

it was then they swore to move out and not to rely on anyone ever again. the house i am in now is paid entirely by my parents.

my sister was born, and eventually, they moved out before my brother was born.

when they moved out, my grandma shouted at them ‘dont come back! i hope you die!’

at one point, or perhaps distance made the heart grow fonder, my grandparents and uncles started to treat my mom very nicely, realising that they were utterly wrong to judge and treat her that way at the beginning. thats why they treat her so nicely now, my mom explained. it is also the reason why my grandma always brought kuehs and chocolate cake over when she visited, subsequently developing my dislike of chocolate cake and neutrality towards chocolate at best. at this point im pretty sure they all like my mom more than my dad.

my aunt learnt her lesson in the form of receiving discrimination and hatred she once showed to my mom upon being married to a family of university graduates, and her only graduating secondary school. she wasnt as well-educated, and so after sharing my moms pain of being the hated daughter in law she finally learnt empathy and started being nice.

my grandpa too was a convert. he came over everyday to help out with chores and to take care of us. perhaps when we were all young the help was truly needed back then, but then some events made everyone question his motives...

i remember him fetching me from kindergarten every day every time. i wondered why my dad never did, and was happy on the occasions he did. it is only years later that i learnt that my grandpa hogged all those times to fetch us (my siblings and i). he outright refused to let my parents especially my dad to fetch us. on the occasions that my dad came, he threw a tantrum and went home. my dad was visibly upset as he recount this to us. ‘it felt like he was keeping my kids away from me’ he said. he has taken so much from my dad, and now even his kids???? im so upset on his behalf??

it genuinely feels like hes controlling everyone around him.

he is still coming over every single day, and from what i can tell he is incredibly passive aggressive and can never be satisifed with my dad. i dread his arrival.

for example, he refuses to eat anything my dad cooked. my dad, a known chef. once my dad made a noodle dish for dinner, he told my dad oh i cant eat noodles for dinner.

cue him eating the noodles my mom cooked for dinner.

cue him getting noodles for takeaway for dinner.

these days whenever my dad cooks for dinner we just give him money for takeaway.

speaking of leaving that ungrateful old bastard money, he also takes issue with my dad for this somehow. my dad left a note saying that thats his dinner money on the table, and he felt that it was so disrespectful he went to my moms workplace which is near where he lives and complained to her.

meanwhile my mom did the exact same thing and he had zero complaints.

when my dad fell asleep in my brothers room with my brother in it, he walked in and deliberately talked at the top of his lungs about some trivial matter that never came up in the years of living here.

the creepy amount of adoration he shows my mom is also apparent in how he would follow my tired sweaty mom after shes home from work  everywhere to talk and yabber on about irrelevant things. she was obviously busy and wanted to be left alone, but hey that POS never cared about what anyone ever thought or wanted if its in conflict to what he wants. sometimes she had to close the door just to get him to leave her alone, and once he just opened the door and continued talking. my dad was enraged, he said he almost went to start a fight with him, and he would especially if my mom was in the midst of changing at the time.

once my dad brought him to the doctor. ‘so what did they say’ he would ask my dad repeatedly over and over again after seeing the doctor. ‘you are fine, and if anything happens the doctor will inform us to go to the hospital’.

he went to complain to my mom at her workplace that my dad was cursing at him to get in the hospital.

once he was nosey and opened up our mailbox, and when he found some letters addressed to my dad he slammed the pile of letters next to him on the sofa. wtf

god, its like no matter what my dad does he will NEVER be happy.

a while ago he lent his children money, and said oh its not lending hes giving them money with no strings attached, no interest at all. my dad took some for renovation, and this info will come into play later.

and so life continues on with his insistence to tidy and clean my house, with zero regards to anyones wishes. if someone so much as point out that he isnt doing something right, he would exaggerate his actions and ask and repeat.

heres the incident that triggered the Revelations:

my grandpa asked my sister if she still wanted a donut while holding it in his entire hand, as in his entire hand was clutched around the donut. visibly disgusted, my sister said no, she didnt want it. in an act of passive aggressiveness, he placed the donut and only the donut directly in the fridge. not on a plate no nothing.

my mom wrote him a note in response: my daughters are having national examinations soon, and my husband has to wake at 5am to go to work, and he doesnt have enough rest. it would be preferable if you do not make as much noise so they can study and rest properly. i am saying this here, it doesnt matter if you help with the chores or not, it is entirely up to you and we will not blame you if you choose to rest and watch tv instead. you will always have a meal and you dont need to worry about anything else. hope you can understand.

in response, he wrote back: i have read all your words, and there is no need to worry. from november, i will no longer be coming over. i want your husband to return me the renovation money. from: dumb dad (thats what he calls himself in notes)

first of fucking all: wow hes not even acknowledging that my dad is his son. second of all, hes using the money to control my parents and guilt them wtf

this incident got kinda big in the sense that my aunt got involved. my aunt, the golden child, called to stage an intervention.

she called my siblings and i privately, without my parents knowledge. she asked me:

‘are you aware that he has hearing issues and cannot tell that hes being loud?’

‘can you cope with his average noise level?’

‘is he actually disturbing you guys?’

of course i am aware. i am used to it. i am not sure why my mom wrote about the noisy part, could be the fact that he refused to let my dad rest. to which i answered:

‘yes i am aware, no he is not that noisy’

and in a nicer way, i told her ‘frankly the issue is his character, that he is a pos shit i cant stand and after knowing what he did to my parents especially my dad i dont want him in my life at all i dont want him to come over anyways’

‘how much would you say that its mostly his fault that there is conflict or is your dad making a big deal out of nothing?’

i bit my tongue and said its my grandpa 95% of the time. there are one or two occasions that i would say my dad is over reacting.

then she went on and on about how she has to balance both perspective and pick the best outcome, and there are two sides etc etc

what fucking two sides i wanted to ask. my parents literally did nothing wrong. he was the hand that clutched at the donut and squished it.

eventually, she yelled at him and to serious disappointment hes coming over again.

a little interlude about my aunt: she complained to my mom afterwards (im surrounded by snitches) that i am not very respectful about my grandpa, that i am lazy and didnt help around the house often (i tidied and cleaned my room frequently, and if my mom ask me to do chores i would. theres an agreement that i should just concentrate on my studies and she will take care of the chores). i stay in my room all the time and didnt come out when my relatives came over. (listen, theres nothing for me. my cousins are ur typical boys that i cant talk to, they hog the xbox and scream about fifa all the time, im not exactly interested in the adults conversations).

my mom defended me, yall. even my aunt has to concede that im a decent person.

and my mom told me she didnt actually agree with the way shes raising my cousins. they were told to never question my aunt and uncle, and their orders are orders. my parents didnt agree, they believed in reason. for everything they tell us to do, there is a legit reason behind it, and we can question them. my mom want us to do well so that she can prove that shes right all along.

my brother recall asking the cousins why my relatives didnt allow them to do certain things and they just shrugged.

well, thats a bet i am willing to participate in.

back to my grandpa.

my parents reasoning is that as compared to taking revenge and stop contacting him, they rather treat him decently no matter what, knowing deep down they has always did their best.

due to the way healthcare works here, my dad shouldered most of the hospital bill and healthcare when his parents were in the hospital. because #asianvalues, they never did thank him or appreciate him.

either my parents or my aunt said they are scared that if we do anything too drastic like refusing him to come here, he will go senile and demented. as he is now he has a clear enough mind to remain a dickbag to my dad.

well, i wasnt exactly close to him, or as close as he deluded himself to think. i wasnt exactly patient with him, in the sense that i kinda have to raise my voice to communicate with him pretty often. heres the complicated relationship between languages: he speaks mostly teochew, and some chinese. we are expected to understand him when he speaks chinese to get across something, but somehow when i speak my perfectly accurate chinese back at him he understands nothing. he will smile stupidly at me, nodding as if he understood.

you fake old man. you understood nothing. i dont want to bother. i am mean for saying this. i hate your pretenses. quit acting like you understand.the conversations between us are fruitless and useless and has zero point. just now, you saying while im eating dinner that ‘you should give me 50 dollars. look at me, i have nothing. ahahahahaha’

i ignored him, as my cold shoulders got colder.

‘your mother did give me $120, i actually have money. what a good girl’

just, what the fuck is he on about. why are you even asking me for money when you have it. this is the exact type of inane pointless conversations you have. i dont even want to dignify that with a response.

he went to my sister, 3 meters away from me, and said the exact same thing.

my sister: [turning her pockets inside out] i have no money

him, repeating what he said , and adding on ‘you are a good girl, your sister is bad, she didnt want to give me money’ 

what the fuck. hes still talking to us like we are 5. he always treat us like were 5. once i facepalmed and he told me not to do that i will give myself brain damage. i proceed to whack my forehead 4 times, each whack resounding loud and clear.

god, i really dont want to interact with him. theres guilt niggling at me that i shouldnt treat him like this, pretending he doesnt exist as much as possible. then i remember what he did to my dad, and also kinda my mom, and something in me says ‘he doesnt deserve a relationship with his grandchildren for treating his own son like this’.

god, how do i get him to understand that i dont want anything to do with him? that i hate him? i stop calling him ‘grandpa’, only referring to him as that. i dont greet him when he come over anymore.

a few days? weeks? ago he said as he walked out of my room: ‘i still love you the most.’

thats the problem aint it? favouritism. and we all know you favour my brother the most, which i dont mind. i want you to stop doting on me, i want you to pretend i dont exist too. not in the way where you blatantly talk and criticise someone to somebody in front of the person you are criticising. 

when is karma ever coming for you?

nothing but you mattered to you, you dipshit. you never cared about how others may feel. you always did things your own way, you treat people whatever the hell you want to.

i visited you in the hospital after the operation on your balls, you were so happy afterwards you gave me a $50. i still wish i hadnt visited, you disgusting person. i wish i can give you the $50 back, but i think, ill keep it. i will treat it as a woeful attempt to ‘reward’ me for my love and affections. i will keep the money knowing that your love is not returned. cruel of me, but so were you.

i dont think there will ever be a resolution. i wont cry at your funeral, i will try not to. i did for my grandma, but that was before i knew the truth.

my mom told me it is undeniable that my relatives all doted and loved me. i want to reject your love. i want the right to not be loved.

[inadeepanddarkdecember]

[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.

[valerepoet]

That reblog's got me thinking. I work with The Kid, who's 18. Like, he is a kid to me. And he's had such a rough fucking life man i really feel a lot of compassion and respect for him. Despite the shit he's been through, he still holds onto a sensitivity towards others and i'm so proud of him.

He was in the foster care system for a good portion of his life, and what little he has told me, his time with his actual parents was worse. He's very crass and doesn't understand certain boundaries and signals very well - but he's sooo open to learning. He's got an edge to him that is very offputting to most people. I understand his intention, becaude lo and behold, i have too much experience with crass and difficult people. I can see in him that he's just plain old not understanding how he is coming across, because he would otherwise not to be that way. As soon as he realizes that he's hurt someone's feelings or made someone uncomfortable, he apologizes and acknowledges that he now understands what he said was wrong. He's sensitive to other people. Sometimes, despite some of his lack of social understanding, too much so. I think he may have learned quick that if he didnt want to get hurt he should apologize and deprecate himself as quickly as possible. Almost contradictory, but i find that trauma tends to inspire such a nature in people.

There's a lot of things about him that im starting to understand.

Ultimately he is a good kid and he does mean well. He does seem genuine and he can be very sweet. He's open minded and he pays attention when he's learning a new social cue, especially about boundaries. He's 18, so he's right at the age where i, and several other mentally fucked up people i knew, really started to understand the concept of boundaries. So i understand a bit what his processes are. I hope so at least. He's a young adult, formally acknowledged as a legal adult in some ways, and its a very, very formative time, mentally. Its a huge period of transition for him, of course. So boundaries very quickly become an important thing your brain realizes it needs to fully understand.

I remember how i was. I made a few minor mistakes and i learned from them, did research and actively pursued an understanding in boundaries. Its something i still struggle with due to my issue with understanding implicit cues. And ite still something i put work into, so its not an experience that is just in my past and im now disconnected with. Some of the way i react and learn, i can see in The Kid. So i think i can understand him a bit.

He's very smart. Obviously, he doesnt think so. Its a shame, cause he's very perceptive, even with his struggle with social cues. He's also not used to someone expressing genuine appreciation, interest, and pride in him and his well being. And that hurts my heart. While i was training him, i made sure to vocalize that i was indeed proud of him and how he was doing and he was soo uncomfortable with that at first. He just wasn't used to it at all, it seemed. I did feel like it was an important thing to stick to, cause he deserved to be shown that sorta respect and acknowledgement. He's definitely acclimated to it and he feels comfortable enough to come to me with his concerns about work.

And sometimes i just want to smother him in hugs, the way i do for my brother. My brother lived with my dad for several years, and had almost no physical contact with him during that time. Once he moved back in with us, he struggled to acclimate back to the constant physical affection that me, my mom and my sister show. After all these years now though, my brother cant get enough of it. So my brother will just lay in his bed, upset at something and i just get the terrible urge to lay on him and give him a bear hug, which i then proceed to do. I really dont feel that urge for anyone else. Im otherwise not fond of touching people outside of my family.

But i just want to give The Kid i work with all these bear hugs and goddammit i just wanna make sure he's okay. But i obviously dont, cause Boundaries are important, and its probably not something he could cope with right now. But its made me realize that he's really made an impression on me and i just want to show him that there are some people willing to be there for him.

He struggles with understanding boundaries, but he has his own very hardset boundaries, and i can recognize it in his physical expression. And im proud of him. He isnt aggressive, but he is sure in his boundaries and i am so damn proud of him for that.

So, im respecting his boundaries and he's slowly letting me in. He's comfortable with back pats now and im glad he trusts me thet much.

----

Time break up above. Holy shit. The Kid was closing tonight, and he called me multiple times and his last call he sounded frantic it was obvious he needed help. So, without telling him, i booked my ass to the store and i calmed him down and helped him close the store. Im so fucking sore and tired, but im glad he's okay. He is so hard on himself goddamit. When he starts talking about the shit he missed and how much trouble he'll be in, he wont listen to anyone trying to tell him to stop and that its okay. He just gets scared of getting in trouble.

Kid has had a rough life man. And man, im sorry he's had that.

He expressed gratitude this time when i helped him. Before, he expressed embarrasment and disappointment in himself, but this time he didnt. He told me 'thank you' with a pretty relieved smile. Im glad he trusts me enough to express that.

My mom teases me that im practically trying to adopt him as my little brother, and i am amused by it, but also somewhat uneasy. I have issues. Serious issues. I'm self aware of what my mental issues consist of, but i still struggle with being aware of how to catch when it is happening. I really dont think im the best role model, or the best person to give literally anyone on this earth any level of stability. I can barely take care of myself. So im uneasy with how my compassion for The Kid is becoming.

He's really touched my heart to be honest, and i hope, from the bottom of my heart, that things get better for him and he starts to experience and maintain stability.

But i know from past experience, that im the Wrong Person to come to for that. I can be a good co-worker, that is an absolute certainty. Beyond that? I honestly cant trust myself. But i just want the best for the kid, and i do want to help him and develop a positive friendship with him. I just am not sure how much i can do really. I worry about that. My mental functionality is pretty much fucked in a lot of ways and getting worse overtime, when it comes to taking care of myself.

Maybe im overthinking it. I probably am. But i have a hard time not doing so, with all my past experiences with people. Im unfortunately one of those people who used to give all of themselves to take care of others mental state. And it really, really fucked me up. I cant say im nice anymore. I dont make deep friendships anymore because i know how ive been in every past one. I give too much of myself. And it becomes a mess.

I dont think the Kid is one to take advantage of people. I think he may be similar to me in that aspect, to be honest, but im not sure. Idk, this Kid has just really, really made an impression on me and i genuinely want the best for him. I just worry about being a bad role model and being unable to moderate my issues enough. This kid is going through so much and i dont want to be an added messy figure in his life.

Its hard caring about other people.

Sorry about the long rambly post, i just have a lot of thoughts and feelings. Im not used to someone making such a quick impression on me.

[jodyedgarus]

The Super Bowl’s Best Matchup Is Gladys Knight vs. The Clock

Super Bowl LIII is not only about two of the league’s best offenses squaring off against one another — New England and Los Angeles — it’s also about America’s other favorite pastime: gambling. The total amount bet on the Super Bowl1 has risen from $40 million in 1991 to more than $158 million in 2018, and much of that growth has come from “props” or proposition bets.

For readers who aren’t degenerate gamblers, prop bets are wagers you can place on events during a game that don’t directly involve the final outcome. This year there are the standard prop bets, like if the Patriots will score a touchdown in the first quarter (they never have in a Super Bowl), or if the Rams will rush for more than 127.5 yards (they averaged 143.3 yards per game in the regular season and the playoffs). But there are also more exotic prop bets on things like whether Donald Trump will tweet more than six times during the game. (The implied probability on one offshore book is 58 percent that he will hit the over.)

Another interesting wager is on the length of Gladys Knight’s rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Several offshore books have set the total for the anthem at 1 minute 47 seconds, and the implied odds for both the under and the over were set at one book at -115 — a 53.5 percent implied probability — on both sides.2 The implied probabilities being equal indicates that the book has no real opinion on the length of Gladys’s performance — they just want to take a percentage from each side of the wager and hope bettors will place their bets evenly on both.

But is Knight performing the anthem in over/under 107 seconds really close to a 50 percent proposition? Or is there evidence that might convince us that the oddsmakers got the probabilities wrong?

To find out, I went to Youtube and watched 40 Super Bowl national anthems from 1979 to 2018. I eliminated any anthems with trumpeters (there were two) and then started timing the anthem from the moment the singer first started to sing and ended the timer after the completion of the first utterance of “brave.”3 Using this methodology, the 40-year average of all national anthem singers4 is 106.1 seconds, roughly in line with the total set by the books. So the total is correct so far as the average goes, but it also seems lazy. Surely there are other factors that might help us better predict how long Gladys might sing.

For starters, the performance time of the anthem has changed as the Super Bowl has grown to become the unparalleled cultural phenomenon we now enjoy each year. As the pomp, circumstance and viewership have increased, the time anthem performers spend on the stage has also risen.

So while anthems have gotten longer over time, the 40-year average is not fully accounting for that trend. When you do account for it5 the best forecast for the 2019 anthem is actually 119 seconds, 13 seconds over the 40-year average.

Gender of the anthem singer is also significant. Men tend to sing the anthem more quickly than women — though not many men have sung the anthem in recent years, when the anthems have been getting longer overall. Still, the all-time shortest anthem performance was by a man — the incomparable Neil Diamond — who got in and out like a boss in a cool 61 seconds. And the longest anthem ever performed at a Super Bowl was by the unforgettable Natalie Cole in 1994, which clocked in at a diva-esque 148 seconds.

Finally, Knight herself appears to be a singer who knows how to stretch a note. Using whosampled, I identified 31 covers performed by Knight and timed the cover performance of each using similar criteria to the anthem timing. Knight’s covers were 7 percent longer than the originals on average, good for a bonus 12.7 seconds of soothing soul per track. In perhaps the best comp to the national anthem — “Ave Maria,” a soaring, vocal-heavy standard covered by hundreds of artists — Gladys’ performance was 37 percent longer than the standard version.

Gladys Knight takes her time with interpretations

Difference in song length between Knight’s covers and the original songs

Song Original Artist Difference Feel Like Makin’ Love Roberta Flack +129 sec. The Look of Love Dusty Springfield +85 Yesterday The Beatles +70 Help Me Make It Through the Night Kris Krisofferson +66 Ave Maria Anna Moffo +65 For Once in My Life Barbara McNair +50 Midnight Train to Georgia Cissy Houston +42 The Way We Were Barbara Streisand +36 Fire and Rain James Taylor +33 I’m Gonna Make You Love Me Dee Dee Warwick +30 Groovin’ The Young Rascals +27 The Need to Be Jim Weatherly +13 Average +13 Everybody Needs Love The Temptations +8 You’re the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me Ray Price +8 Goin’ Out of My Head Little Anthony and the Imperials +7 All I Could Do Is Cry Etta James +2 Baby I Need Your Loving The Four Tops +1 Tracks of My Tears Smokey Robinson & The Miracles 0 Yes, I’m ready Barbara Mason -1 Baby Don’t Change Your Mind The Stylistics -1 I Wish It Would Rain The Temptations -4 Cloud Nine The Temptations -9 Keep an Eye Diana Ross & The Supremes -9 You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ The Righteous Brothers -14 I Feel a Song (in My Heart) Sandra Richardson -19 Let It Be The Beatles -21 Is There a Place? The Supremes -34 Wind Beneath My Wings Roger Whittaker -34 Heard It Through the Grapevine Marvin Gaye -39 Thank You Sly & the Family Stone -45 Every Beat of My Heart The Royals -49

Sources: YouTube, Whosampled

Taking a larger view, only two anthems in the past 15 years have been performed faster than the 40-year average of 1 minute 47 seconds. And when I looked at the age of the anthem singers, I found no significant correlation between age and performance time.6 On the other hand, we can look at one of Knight’s previous performances of “The Star-Spangled Banner” itself, which is solid piece of evidence against the over, running for 92 seconds. It was, however, performed 28 years ago. All things considered, the bookmakers appear to have this line wrong on Gladys, and her upcoming anthem performance is probably going to go over 107 seconds.

Researching a single prop was a lot of work, and it’s understandable why books might not want to put this level of effort into each and every bet they publish. But it does imply that there are profitable edges for some Super Bowl props. Using the Twitter machine, I threw up a bat signal for a gambling expert to help me confirm my priors. Rufus Peabody, a professional sports bettor and former ESPN contributor who is well-known in gambling circles for the scale and volume of his Super Bowl prop wagers, agreed to help.

“The time and effort to accurately value props is pretty high,” Peabody said. “Some books put more effort into their props than others, and for some props there’s almost no data. Books will move the lines aggressively when sharp bets are made though, which helps them adjust.”

I’ve been keeping an eye on the Gladys anthem line, and it hasn’t moved all week. I was tempted to bet the over, but when I was confronted with the prospect of having to convert real money into Bitcoin in order to place a bet on an offshore site, I decided to abort. When I looked around for somewhere to place the bet in Las Vegas — where they accept actual money — I struck out. Peabody explained that prop bets like anthem length are illegal in Las Vegas because of restrictions on the types of sources casinos can use to “grade” or determine the outcome of a bet.

Even if it won’t net me any cash, I’ll be pulling for Knight to go over regardless. I want her to belt out that last note in “home of the brave” for an egregiously long time. After all, my Twitter credibility is on the line, and that’s serious business.

from News About Sports https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-super-bowls-best-matchup-is-gladys-knight-vs-the-clock/