#because i stated nothing but FACTS
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You don't love your daughter...?
She loved you so much and yet you killed her...Maybe she's feeling disappointed in her father now:(
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#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk mayor#monkie kid mayor#blue and violet#cruel words Mayor... cruel words#but they are being honest#how can they just accept the fact that they had a daughter- I think you guys have to understand that Mayor is the opposite of dad material#funny but really strange and mysterious uncle you know nothing about? definitely#but not a dad#they are not like Ling who was basically born to be a dad#its strange how much someone's behaviour can differ given the circumstances they live in#Mayor is pretty apathetic right now to be honest lmao-#also I would like to point out the reason why Mayor's eyes are so wide during these last few asks#its because they are in a constant state of shock
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one thing which I think adds relisten value to NQD is that it’s not always obvious when a character is stark fucking naked. occasionally I see someone go back to an episode and realise WAIT WAS HE NAKED WHEN THAT HAPPENED and the answer is very often yes.
#sometimes they’re in their pants but Alfie is very regularly in a state of some undress#he sits down to record in very quiet moments of his life#and in those moments he is often totally starkers#I don’t always telegraph this fact because it adds nothing to the scene and depending on vibes#sometimes pointing this out in text would cut into the big emotions of the scene#so I give a few clues and then leave it be#like a weird little Easter egg#not quite dead#nqd#eira speaks
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While I intend this blog to remain a largely news-free space due to the constant hellstate of the world, let me be clear that I stand in full support of both the Palestinian and Jewish peoples who are currently experiencing relentless hate and suffering in these horrid times.
I am disgusted at the number of people, especially "progressives" on this website who have used this situation to spread both Islamophobia and Antisemitism. This goes double if you dared to reblog those "punch nazis/fascists <3" and "[x] are welcome here!" posts while in the next breath spreading dangerous fucking narratives that kill people.
So many people in online political spaces evidently see this as nothing more than a case of picking "sides", when ultimately what matters is supporting the oppressed against fascist governments and militias, wherever they are.
Common people will always have more alike with each other than their leaders. This is not a novel concept. Your activism should always be motivated by love and compassion first, and hatred second. If you use your beliefs as an excuse to find an acceptable target to vent your hatred towards regardless of the actual material outcome, you are no fucking activist.
You're a bigot.
#current events#antisemitism#islamophobia#scrawny rambles#scrawny speaks#again i have not been saying much both for the fact that this blog is meant to be a quiet place#and that i do not consider myself to be a reliable source of serious information and/or morals#but regardless i have been watching i have been taking note#i see you i hear you#and while i am currently in no position to materially help right now#the moment i can i will#i don't like signalling this kind of thing because i want it to be evident in how i *act*#but as this cannot be taken as a given i will say this:#you are welcome here. i am so sorry the world is hateful and vile and i wish i could wipe it all away.#you and your folk did nothing to deserve this and you are right to be scared. and i wish to give you my love.#fascism and genocide are not things to be taken lightly. bigoted 'jokes' are vile and dangerous. human life is what's at stake.#we are heading into a wave of hate that has the potential to repeat history in the worst way imaginable. get a fucking grip.#i'm unlikely to address this further as again. reasons stated above. but i wanted to make my stance clear.#it is late as fuck and i'm pissed. people who should know better miss the fucking memo completely.#i'm fucking glad i unfollowed a popular blogger when i did because look what they're posting now. antisemetic 'jokes'.#i really wonder how common this shit truly is. how many people get away with cloaking themselves as 'progressive.'#or perhaps they genuinely think they are. cognitive dissonance is one hell of a drug. fuck them regardless. scum.#you are no progressive. you are a bigot. a leftist bigot is a bigot regardless of how 'revolutionary' you posture to be.#anyhow apologies for any errors. again. it's late. hope you guys are doing well <3
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Damn shang your tsungs!
Shang tsung was best in mk11. Just saying.
No shade but it's the truth. Sorry.
(Mini vent in tags sorry)
#thirsting post aside mk11 shang tsung is fun to play even if you don't know how to play#mortal kombat#shang tsung#shang tsung mortal kombat#💚heart and soul🐍#fr tho shang tsung in mk11 is far more enjoyable than mk12/mk1 shang tsung simply because of tagawa's performance#and the fact is alan lees shang tsung while fun and unique he's not a young tagawa he is his own damn person stop comparing him#alan lee stated he doesn't want to be compared to tagawa so plz stop saying he's a young tagawa#they don't sound alike alan lee has the smug infliction but its heavily exaggerated and lighter toned#cary hiroyuki tagawa's shang tsung in the mk 95 movie and him younger has a deeper tone and pitch#listen actually carefully to both of them and their performance they sound nothing alike#people who say that alan Lee's shang sounds like a young tagawa is delusional to themselves into thinking that the game is remotely good#that or they want tagawa back but they don't wanna admit that for some reason#like guys it's ok to like alan lees shang without comparison to tagawa#stop trying to say they sound alike#i swear people be parroting shit they see on x or yt comments ugh#but anyways have shang tiddies enough of my venting#mk11 shang tsung#mk11#mortal kombat 11#mortal kombat 11 shang tsung
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Moral Orel doesn't seem 100% like a show I'd feel seen in if you don't know me but then I remember the episode with the special ed kids and underneath the usual satire on extremist bible belt religion it reminds me WAY too much of how actual special ed departments treated me and other kids growing up.
Like the writers must HAVE BEEN THERE IN LIFE, man. I'd kill to sit down with Dino Stamatopoulos and find out what the fuck inspired him and the other writing staff that day.
#husbandothings#moral orel#bonus fun tag rant? bonus fun tag rant...apparently#in those departments you are immediately written off as a tragic forever toddler by at least 50% of the staff regardless of your disability#there's good ones but the bad ones bring the fun spicy trauma#it doesn't matter how smart you actually are you gotta draw the sad face on that boy on the comic sans worksheet at the age of 15#in your free lesson spaces that you got because of reasons#if someone tells me they're a teaching assistant or have “qualifications” in autism and special needs development i immediately distrust#because I have never met a neurotypical person with those qualifications who knows how to treat kids like humans especially autistic kids#funniest part? I was mostly in the special ed department because of my hearing and not totally my undiagnosed autism#and a little because of wonky emotional development from get this...a freaking religious school#like i see adults in the show and i see the headteacher who tried to tell my parents i should forgive the bullies because jesus would#even though the truth is way more nuanced but he just wanted to wash his hands of it#it's funnier than it should be because that teacher would fit right in to this show for that and additional reasons I won't state here#my family were atheists but thought the school would be good#the weird thing is at that time as a little kid I liked the idea of believing in god but nothing that happened proved Him to me#and moral orel hits because it resonates with the fact i genuinely believe religion can do good and it's all about the people#the ones who want to use that faith for good in the world and surviving rough crap and not to do things that would make jesus flip tables#that has stuck with me for over a decade as has the people who felt the show reinforced their christianity#but anyway
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i thought the mohglester was a joke but did mohg actually mohglested his brother!!😭
#ask replies#elden ring#shitposting#bghhghgjh SORRY LOL i dont know what else to tell you anon xDDDDD 😭#alright on a serious note I go with the 'it is strongly implied' and I used this meme because-#-martins involvement is my biggest clue to go off xD#I can closer inspect the case tho if you want me to because its true that nothing in Soulsborne games-#-is absolutely stated except for like 2 random facts#I just think it is the safest thing to assume though we're not on Reddit and know that-#-occam's razor =/= the only take possible#(glaring at YOU the 'there is no proof so you can't think this' squad!)
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yeah no i refuse to believe that 170+ people have now successfully done all their remote learning course completions + tradesperson business license renewals on my stupid god damn web app.
#but like. that is actually a demonstrably true fact. i'm looking at the database now.#but like! it is a fact that SHOULD NOT BE.#insert guy in corner of party meme like do they know this thing was coded in like four 36hr caffeine stress delirium fugue states#at some point i knowingly launched a version of the live beta with one feature that was just a loading spinner that did nothing.#because i ran out of time and it was like a super rare use case feature.#so i was like alright ok 9 out of 10 chance no one reports this for like a week at which point i can have the finished version ready.#(i confessed this to coworker recently lolol. I WAS CORRECT AT THE TIME & WAS NEVER CAUGHT.)
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last post for the night i swear
the real tragic part about the whole science fair incident is that perpetual motion is impossible to achieve
ford’s machine would have never worked, regardless of whether or not stan had interacted with it
(warning i accidentally wrote an approximately 30-tag dive into ford’s character in the tags don’t click see more if you don’t want to read that)
anyway!! good night everyone ❤️🩹
#it’s also tragic because ford didn’t know#the impossibility of perpetual motion was discovered far before that point and yet he didn’t know#i mean. ‘he’s actually just so arrogant that he thought he could break the laws of physics’ doesn’t make any sense#his reaction to the situation really didn’t match that interpretation as far as i can tell#i don’t think it’s just a ‘oh no! my dream school (that i was essentially shoved into pursuing)!’ type deal#here’s what i’m thinking:#fact one- stan and ford were seemingly already drifting apart by this point in time. this is important to note#fact two- it’s really emphasized to him that he’s smart. that’s all they say about him really- that’s he’s a genius#fact three- filbrick does not even care enough about stanford to say his name. he calls ford his ‘ticket out of this dump’#these last two points were likely heavily emphasized to him throughout his childhood#filbrick found out ford was smart and thought stan wasn’t. so ford became his plan to make money#ford is heavily bullied for his weirdness. his hands and his interests. being smart could ‘make up’ for this in his mind#he wants to leave. he outright states this- he doesn’t feel like he belongs and he wants to go somewhere he does (his own bermuda triangle)#so what essentially happened- i believe- is that ford internalized all these things#that his weirdness is bad and that he makes up for it by being smart and that he’s meant to make his family money-#-and that he wants out#his machine fails. this is a slap in the face to him. perpetual motion is impossible?#but why didn’t he know that? he’s supposed to be smart isn’t he? if he isn’t smart then what the hell is he?#what redeeming qualities does he have? how is he supposed to help his family now? he’s a failure isn’t he?#he spots a familiar bag. stan was here. suddenly he has an excuse- a reason to believe it wasn’t his fault#(and there’s really nothing to be at fault for but he doesn’t think that)#it’s easier to blame it on stan because of how distant they’ve grown. he can’t read stan as easily#and his reaction is suspicious- did he actually sabotage the project? is it…actually not ford’s fault at all?#they don’t speak to each other again for another decade#stan because he’s afraid of rejection#ford because he doesn’t want to face his own insecurities and emotions about everything#it’s easier to pretend that he wants to be famous and isn’t just doing it to make it his father money#and it’s easier to distract himself with things he loves than to feel all the guilt and hurt and frustration#and that. is perfect for bill to use to manipulate him#that’s my thoughts anyway. sorry for the rant was not expecting that to happen
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even though i feel like i can confidently tell when a piece of art is generative A/I, i really don't feel inclined or really even justified calling someone out for it due to the precedent it sets - especially when artists who DO make their own pieces get caught in the crossfire for being inexperienced or making the choice to be more free-form when it comes to character design / consistency...
#i can't even really put into words how I can Tell#other than like... random blurry details in areas that would not logically have those details blurred - for styles imitating digital art#what i mean by this is: you can kind of tell when and where a type of tool has been used when it comes to digital pieces#if it looks like an artist grabbed the smudge tool and used it in a small area surrounded by crisper details ... it seems like an arbitrary#- and thoughtless decision#especially when it comes to character design pieces#this blurriness is also present in a type of style that wouldn't see much reason to use the smudge tool at all .. such as a cell shaded -#- toon style with thick outlines#i think what bothers me about this whole debacle is how we're setting up an environment where people feel inclined to lie about using-#-generative tools... part of the problem is the foundation of a/i art to be using people's work without . permission. im sure a good amount#-of artists wouldnt have minded MAKING pieces to be used solely for these type of tools#since generative art has been used as an excuse to replace artists in an attempt to render their work unnecessary or obsolete ... it's -#- become politicized and viewed as anti-artist. which. fair enough. it was pitched and sold that way#but even if like... these initial problems were addressed i feel like there'd still be a lot of stigma associated with generative art#since a lot of people's beef with it is the fact that it feels soulless. and i feel like that has to do with how the generated works are -#- being passed off as completed full pieces and not have any transformative work done upon them#i always joke about like 'they should invent art that's easier to make' ... but i don't want the hard work on my end replaced#just some help really. or guidance on completing my own work. A/I could have -possibly- been used as another form of reference#(if it were more competent. i think it's sloppy as hell in its current state)#but before it was uh... hugely controversial and right when generative A/I got more competent? i actually saw it as a toy.#i wanted to play with it and see what would come out... im honestly just more-so frustrated that it's viewed as on-par or better than-#-work done by human beings. what makes something art to me is if it's been transformed by human intention and connection#and i don't get how it's snobby to dislike A/I art for that reason. why do y'all think artists love when people dissect and examine their-#-work ? art is about human connection. we have ancient monuments and abandoned cave paintings we know nothing about-#- but are captivated by because we want to know WHY they're there. WHO made them. and for what reason#and i think a/i art is a painful reminder for a lot of artists that to a lot of people art is only valued through aesthetic merit#no acknowledgement for an artist's hard work .. their life .. all the personal intention behind their work#it's the commodification being thrown back in our faces tenfold#another tag essay by me. shiloh
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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god, sometimes i really wanna know what goes on in enoch's head while 2-3 is happening
like. you concoct this very detailed plan for about a year. it's absurd because it involves the lead coroner of scotland yard herself and a piece of history that no one would think to connect because it's a tenuous link not even most of the public know. but it's because the concept is absurd, and the trust the public have in the coroner itself is great that they wouldn't think she'd purposefully fabricate an autopsy report (ignoring the fabrication in klint's autopsy since that is COMPLETELY out of public knowledge at the time). and to top it off, it perfectly lays the blame on the person you're constructing the machine for, without you being considered since the 'culprit' would've been obvious.
and then this japanese law student just goes into court, with the sheer determination of defending said person's innocence no matter the cost, just fucking unravels it all, even down to the very detail of every reasoning behind every action that you'd thought no one would get. like, seriously, if he wasn't correct, he would've sounded absolutely fucking crazy! but he is correct on every point, thus tearing apart your plan that you've devised for an entire year.
no wonder enoch exponentially got pissed as the trial went on, like. case 2-3 is fucking batshit INSANE the longer you think about it
#the great ace attorney#tgaa spoilers#dgs spoilers#the great ace attorney spoilers#dai gyakuten saiban#do i tag this with spoilers? i guess#i don't mean that case 2-3 isn't already crazy enough even on surface level#but the longer you think about it it's a fucking MIRACLE ryuu even had the adequate resources and evidence#to back up his claims#because otherwise it genuinely would've sounded insane#obviously in real life it's believable these authorities could've fabricated evidence and whatnot#but in-game they literally stated outright how much the public has trust in sithe via the jurors#it's also more towards the fact that. the coroner was coerced. by using a fucking waxwork of all things.#and the waxwork was used as a body double for the victim in a science experiment-slash-stage magic device?#but the waxwork literally looks nothing like the victim?#like. even you gotta admit if it wasn't for the very tight and detailed explanation given after#even you gotta admit it feels like a stretch when you first present it#this is NOT dunking on case 2-3 btw!! i just think the absolute deranged insanity that was the#writing of case 2-3 is one of the best fucking things i've ever seen in any media
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—There was a concept he learned about, years ago, when he was but a boy under the tutelage of various scholars (prior to their replacement by Sariel). An old empire, one scholar had told him– a wizened old man who seemed more a part of his beloved history books than of the living– older than Rhodolite, or Obsidian, or even Benitoite. The people had a peculiar way of dealing with tyrants and despots they deemed unfit for the governing of the country. They would carve out the names of the damned from the annals of history, chip away at statues until they remained faceless, and destroy every record until there was nothing that could prove they had ever existed. A total condemnation of memory, he had said, stroking a contemplative hand over his whiskery beard, one that served to wipe every trace of their person from the people’s hearts and minds.
He didn’t need to ask what it felt like, because he already knew. Slowly but surely, over days, months, and years, his posture was fixed, his manner of speech grew refined, and every sinew and muscle in his body was tenderized over and over and over to make his body no longer recognizable to himself. Until he could walk like a royal, could talk like a royal, could effectively fool kin and community into believing he was their beloved prince. Until the yoke of authority felt as familiar on his shoulders as the chains of oppression, until his duties were as natural to him as sleeping and breathing.
Until every last fragment of his being was forgotten and replaced, leaving nothing behind but “Leon Dompteur”.
—excerpt from my wip of ‘Damnatio Memoriae’, a Leon character study
#my writing#leon dompteur#ikepri fics#damnatio memoriae not as a destruction of the state's art and records#but as a destruction of the body until it becomes unrecognizable is something that rots my brain on the regular#love you leon my king im sorry about the perpetual existential crisis u got tho#I think the horror of leon's background and story line kind of gets compounded by the fact that#before he assumed the role of “leon” he basically..... had no identity???#no name no family no perception of the self. he was basically a living ghost#and one of the reasons he fell into the role of “leon dompteur” so quickly is because there was NOTHING before that#an essentially blank slate wiped over and moulded into something new#like raw materials crafted into precious goods#I think about this a lot idk my brain is just rotted beyond belief at the lore at this point#anyway I hope y'all like the writing midterms are next week and im preparing to have my ass beat
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here's a thing about palestine/israel that i can't stop thinking about. supporting an ethnostate, apartheid, and/or genocide seems like just about the most un-jewish thing one could possibly do. i genuinely do not get it.
like. irl, i've been osmosizing jewish culture and scholarship for the past several years. the impression i’ve gotten is of a people who has undergone untold amounts of discrimination and violence over the past couple millennia, and who is proud of their resilience in the face of that oppression. i know that enduring oppression doesn’t necessarily make someone a good person. and obviously, no group is a monolith. but my impression has been that recognizing that harm and defending other downtrodden groups was a common principle of jewish culture. hell, that’s why my alma mater was founded — so i was living in that legacy for the past ~6 years.
even if you think jewish people have the sole right to the land that we call israel, the israeli state's treatment of palestinians flies in the face of all of that. to go "fuck you, i got mine"*, treat another ethnic group as second-class citizens, and concentrate, blockade, and slaughter them seems completely irreconcilable with what i have come to know and appreciate as jewish values. a complete betrayal.
like. am i missing something big here or
*or, more accurately, “i will fuck you over to get mine”
edit: obviously not every jewish person supposed israel/is zionist. but, as we’ve all seen jewish anti-zionists say recently, most jewish ppl in the imperial core are. and this genocidal ethnostate calls itself ~the jewish state~.
#i’m genuinely asking here.#in fact‚ i’m scheduling this post for sunday morning bc i know that some of the ppl who could answer this keep shabbat.#txt#i've been wanting to convert for a long time#and honestly‚ participating in pro-palestinian action has made me feel closer to that.#nothing makes me feel more in-tune with jewish values than fighting for the liberation of an oppressed group.#but i've realized that this is going to make it way way harder to find (a) rabbi(s) to help me convert.#because (1) i get the impression that anti-zionist rabbis are hard to come by‚ (2) obviously i want palestine freed‚ and#(3) for the reasons stated above‚ zionism strikes me as absurdly hypocritical for a scholar of judaism.#and it's incompatible with the jewish values that i want to embody.#ngl i’m crying a bit#edited slightly for words
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finally tackled the absolute mountain of laundry in various states of cleanliness around my room. now all of it is sorted and put into its respective zones of "away".
#98% of my room being clean with visible floorspace is just finally handling the laundry#i am ashamed and embarrassed that i always have so much dirty laundry#eventually i'll get back to the point i was at when i was the coach of laundry where i'll have like a week's worth of shit to get done#and not a backlog of several months#eventually#and i will be working on not feeling so much shame about the state of my laundry#i don't *like* that i do it but there's nothing inherently immoral about it like the voice of my mother that shouts in my brain thinks#the put away laundry plus the effort i've been making to Make My Bed before sitting in it has helped me feel more settled in the space#so that's good#when i am not as concerned about blocking the various registers in my room i will be in business#(mattress on the floor only fits in one specific corner right by the intake)#(output register is awkwardly directly in the middle of the opposite side of the room which makes arranging the furniture where i'd like it#an interesting endeavor that i'm not super excited in attempting to orchestrate in the future)#i know where i'd *like* things to go#whether or not that'll actually be feasible is another story#also i think i'm going to have to just go through my clothes with the mindset of actually getting rid of things#i threw out a couple pairs of socks because they were worn so thin i'm not sure mending would have fixed the holes#like that that point i'm making a whole new sock and you know what i could do instead? not do that#i also have a lot of Baggage Items i haven't quite gotten around to divesting myself of#(as in the items of clothing have a lot of emotional baggage tied to them that i may or may not be using to negative effect on myself)#lots of old shit lots of things that don't fit lots of things i don't even like actually#but it was free or nearly so and i've just held onto it because free#only a few things are kept because i like wearing them and the texture is nice#so we'll just. go through some stuff and eventually i'll get to the point that even if *all* of my clothes are dirty and on the floor#it doesn't take up my WHOLE goddamn room#that said this has in fact been a problem my whole life and so i don't imagine it's going to be quick or easy to fix lol
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#Howwwww is it 5am already I want to go home#I begged my parents and sibling to let me go home to my own bed and they wouldn't let me#I don't want to be the solution to our family problems I want to go be alone and not here#I understand me being around more would make our parents nicer and give my siblings someome sane to talk to#But I want to die and I don't want to be here and I don't care about any of these people#Once again them forcing me to go to their house made me miss an assignment. So that class is genuinely failed now.#It makes me so frustrated I could cry. Every time I say I'm doing school work#Or say I can't drop everything and drive forty minutes to their house. they laugh at me#They genuinely laugh and say I'm such a liar and I'm faking and there's no way I ever do any school work#I'm actually shaking I'm so frustrated they don't understand. That's how long it takes me.#Why can't they just realize I'm a dumbass fucking idiot. I'm so fucking stupid#I'm literally so stupid. Intellectually I'm a fucking idiot and I am so useless and slow.#Stop trying to believe I have potential to fucking waste#The fact is there is no potential but I'm fucking wasting anyway#I'm so. Dumb. When I say I'm doing school work I mean I looked at the tab and got nervous about how overdue#everything is and how I'm failing and everyone wants me to leave my safety for their own inane bullshit#I wouldn't be failing this class at all if I had been able to complete the first week on time#instead of like. sitting outside a convention center alone and in agony for Five (5) hours.#Kudos to the devil for creating the exact perfect circumstances to kill me in particular#I should reach out and go to a friend's house and it would be good for me. But.#There's no way I'm going to see or speak to anyone in this state of everything#Everyone else around me seems to have improved in mental health I'm not going to ruin that by making them let me come over#No one really believes any of the problems I have like even I don't. how are you that stupid. just stop having these problems.#I can't go to a friend's house when I have problems like this. Last time I had a breakdown and scared the fucking host and#their partner had to be the one to comfort me because I was crying too loud for autistic ears :(#I can't do that to anyone again#I'm not kidding when I say I'm a huge burden genuinely I exist to be upsetting and inconvenient and frustrating#I am literally the most selfish person to ever have existed. Just objectively. I don't care about anyone or anything at all.#I don't love my friends or my family and I don't care about what they want or need. truthfully.#I just want to sit in my tiny room where nothing changes and no one expects me to drive anywhere holy fucking shit it's 6am
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Anyway it’s so funny to me because if asked, I’d say I’ve got nothing to worry about , but when I think of my current situation happening to anyone else, it makes me sad
#No! I have the divorce and the father bitching#My aunts house is disgusting and my allergies are bad here#Amma’s still in the icu#I’ve been overstimulated since we got here Monday night#My period cramps are awful#And now my brother’s got a minor ear infection#My sister’s being a bitch#I haven’t seen my friends in weeks#I can hear the adults discussing my uncle’s mother. Who died to blood clots causing a stroke#And understandably this is distressing because of Amma’s clot#Then the fact that I’ve wanted to die for weeks. And the sh scars from (last year? Some this year?) on my legs are barely beginning to fade#But I’ve clawed at my shoulders recently and feel shit about it#The mental state isn’t good#The physical state isn’t good#The world isn’t good#And just when I thought I would get a break and be able to see a friend I haven’t seen in years#I probably wont get to#I’ve got nothing more to live for other than pure spite#Tw sh#jays being dumb again#I’ll delete this later. Gotta let these thoughts simmer
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