#because i see this term thrown around as an accusation

[kasumingo]

Not related to anything in particular, but:

suibaiting = someone baiting someone else to commit a suicide

suibaiting =/= someone expressing how much they want to kill themselves, even if you receive it/consider it manipulative

The more you know!

[burr-ell]

Putting Terms on the High Shelf: Main Character Syndrome

As I'm watching C2, one thing I've noticed about Caleb's various sidebars to talk to different people is that he's still very much involving them—the conversations reveal various different priorities not just for Caleb, but for the people he's talking with. Liam's RP is often geared toward encouraging character work out of the other players at the table; it's something you see with Vax early on, and it's very present with Caleb.

So I find the accusations and warnings of Liam having Main Character Syndrome, which started during C1 but really ramped up in C2, to be rather shallow. Look at the contrast between the tables during this:

and this:

In C1x27, Orion adds pressure to the cast's already-frayed nerves with him, compounded from previous incidents of bad behavior, by taking up several minutes of time purely to himself—his only interaction with anyone else at the table is to ask Keyleth for help with alchemy mechanics (fun fact, early Keyleth was into alchemy!). This included:

An attempt to buy 1500 mirrors to build a light array;

A request to his father to send in his home country's army to Whitestone; and

An attempt to combine a fog spell and a sleep spell after being told point blank that it was mechanically impossible

This was all very obviously an attempt to make himself the hero in what is clearly set up to be a Percy-centric arc. (Worth noting, for the record, is that up to this point Percy had actually had very little focus and largely kept himself in the background, while Tiberius had been in focus for most of the show's run up to that point.) Laura snarks that he's like the giant eagles in Lord of the Rings and can just do everything, and if you actually watch the clip that I've giffed above, Travis's tone is genuinely aggravated. This, by the way, is all after Tiberius was notably not present for Percy revealing his backstory to the rest of the party in episode 24; while everyone else voiced concerns for him and went down to his workshop to check on him, Tiberius largely ignored this and went off to do his own business.

That is a selfish player. That is selfish behavior and a clear example of someone who thinks the story should revolve around them. There are several reasons Orion was asked to leave, not just because he fudged his dice rolls.

C2x62 is a completely different story. None of the conversations Caleb has within that episode are just a way for Caleb to gain information; he's engaging with what the other people are doing. When he asks Nott and Jester about the letter they wrote to Astrid, he reveals a little about himself—something he is particularly reluctant to do with Jester—and they are given an opportunity to respond. His conversation with Beau gives time for both of them to check in on each other and where they're at and lets Beau give her own perspective on the politics of the Empire, the Cobalt Soul, and Xhorhas. The discussion with Fjord lets them both level with each other a little and does more work for Fjord's character, letting him open up about his insecurities and issues, than it does for Caleb's. Caleb is still initiating these conversations and he still gets something out of them, but both the players and the audience still get the benefit of the other characters pushing and pulling against that in response.

Like many terms that get thrown around in this circle ("player agency", "manipulating", "metagaming", "going dark", to name a few), Main Character Syndrome has been so misconstrued and warped to fit a heavily biased perspective as to be almost meaningless. Main Character Syndrome is not when a character initiates a lot of conversations, even if you personally don't like the conversations for whatever reason. Main Character Syndrome is not when a character chooses to take a risk or push a big red button, even if you personally don't like the choice for whatever reason. Main Character Syndrome is not when a character has an arc or aspect of lore heavily focused on them, even if you personally don't like the character for whatever reason. (Particularly considering that arc focus is entirely out of the player's control; Taliesin, Liam, and Laura did not in fact force Matt to focus a significant portion of each campaign's lore on Percy, Caleb, or Imogen's backstories respectively.)

Main Character Syndrome is specifically about player selfishness—it's a player inserting their character into scenes or roles where they do not logically belong in order to make them the center of the story, as we see with the example of Tiberius. The camaraderie at the current table versus what was going on back in 2015 does not suggest that anyone currently sees anyone else like that; everyone is laughing at the jokes made at someone's expense, and everyone is getting something to do. Your favorite character may not always be flashy or in focus all the time, but then again, you wouldn't want them to have Main Character Syndrome, would you?

[k9emote]

My final response to every accusation made about me.

Hi. As basically, the entirety of emoteblr knows, I have had a lot of hatred, misinformation, and vague angry paragraphs thrown towards my community and me. Barely anyone has communicated what they're so mad about, but I'll try to stitch it all together from a few people who've spoken to me and answer the best I can. "You spread misinformation about number names! Not all number name trauma is RAMCOA!"

You're right! I misworded that because I hadn't known that RAMCOA wasn't the only source of number-name trauma. Because no one told me. I am a RAMCOA victim and have only heard of number-names related to RAMCOA. I didn't know other forms of abuse used number-names. I know that now thanks to a kind person who opened a ticket in my server, and I will edit my server rules accordingly. My opinion stays the same; people who haven't been abused/tortured etc with number names should not use them. I have met countless other victims who agree with me. You can call that an opinion of mine, sure! If you disagree, kindly block me. I am sorry to anyone I said "You can only use number names if you're a RAMCOA victim." to, I had meant that only people with number name trauma can use them to reclaim the name, I assumed RAMCOA was a broad enough term that it covered all types of number-name trauma, but I was mistaken. I'm sorry. That's all I will say on that matter.

"There was a misinformative carrd in your server that didn't explain RAMCOA correctly!" It's been spread that the carrd was mine! that is not true AT ALL. It was taken down a long time ago and replaced with a much better resource. I hadn't personally looked at the carrd because topics of RAMCOA often trigger me, my partner was the one to send the carrd. My partner had seen the carrd sent elsewhere and had no idea it had misinformation. It was used as a quick resource for someone to know what RAMCOA was, and as soon as a kind server member pointed out it wasn't a good resource literally minutes after it was posted, it was taken down and replaced. People make mistakes, and my partner fixed his almost immediately. If you are angry at that, then I'm sorry but you are REACHING for things to hate me for. "The guillotine (public ban) channel you have in your server encourages hate and death threats!"

I am deeply sorry to anyone who recieved any threats/hate/harassment from my public bans. I have always stated to never contact the people I ban , and it was listed in the channel description as well.

No one had EVER told me that they were receiving hate or threats after being banned, otherwise, I would've taken this channel down much sooner. I have yet to receive any proof of these claims or even speak to the victims themselves. I have only heard this passed around from outside people. When I have asked, I am refused evidence for the "sake of anonymity" which I respect but unfortunately cannot ban any individuals without user IDs or genuine reasons. The only thing I could do in response to this is take the channel down, which I have done.

On the topic of death threats, people have claimed that one of my mods was sending them... but refused to show any evidence or tell me who it was. I have spoken to my mods and all of them have said they would never, so I genuinely have no idea what to do. If anyone has further evidence, please contact me. Most of my mods don't even have an active account on tumblr.

A trend I am seeing with the people who are typing up long paragraphs on how I am toxic and immature are people I've banned for going against my boundaries, reposting hate towards me even after said hate was asked to be taken down by both me and the person I had wronged, and other vile behavior in my server. I have not been given descriptions or details on who feels wronged, so I can not apologize for any actions because I genuinely have no idea what I did. I have not come out to say anything not because I am hiding, but because I am lacking SO MUCH evidence or even witness testimony on what I've done wrong. I have no issue apologizing to people I might've hurt, but I cannot do so without a proper conversation with said people. The one person who offered to tell me things refused on multiple occasions to give me evidence, screenshots, direct conversations or any other sources of people explaining why they hate me. I was only given vague reasons and "maybes" To some individuals I know are spreading the hate about me; To Proxy. You were banned from my server because you were creating a story incredibly similar to RAMCOA experiences while not being a victim of any sort of torture yourself (which you stated.) You said you were allowed to have an OC with a number name because it was based off a media that did the same, and that it was a "lab rat character" and therefore didn't count. When I, a victim of the torture you were using for roleplay, tried to educate you on why it was still wrong no matter your intent, you threw a tantrum and refused to listen. You were clearly uneducated on all forms of numbername trauma and refused to understand when not only I, but multiple other victims were trying to explain why it was wrong. Your roleplay OC was more important to you than a victim asking you to stop. The way you spoke to me was vile, invalidating, belittling and triggering. I am not sorry for the anger I displayed when I was spoken to like my own abuser would speak to me. I had a right to be angry and I started off extrememly understanding and polite despite your actions. Your OC was also affiliated with Nazis and the holocaust, which is fucking disgusting. I don't care what comic/media/etc it's based off of. I don't care if it's fiction or if you don't intend to base it on real life matters. Fictionalizing things that are rooted from real trauma and genocides as someone who has not experienced either is a horrible thing to do. I hope you realize how sickening you've acted.

Proxies messages were accidentally deleted when we banned them, but heres a screenshot my partner took during the arguement. Oh and before I forget, Proxy claimed to be "proshipper neutral" because it was "just fiction." despite knowing what it entailed. They have since been educated, but I wanted to share that their opinion on "fiction does not equal reality" mind set is extremely harmful.

Their reasoning on why they thought it was fine! (both is proxy) ^ Proxy also sent something in my inbox that I responded to publicly, ignoring all that they had done and completely going against my DNI of them. You can see that on my blog. To Alexfroppy. You were banned because my mod pointed out to me that you had reposted a tumblr post promoting the hatred towards me and my community, between an issue I had with another creator who has since forgiven me. Both me and Lemon (the creator) asked the Original Poster to take it down. You still reposted, directly supporting something going against the boundaries of both creators involved. You say "well I also posted something against the threats." Great! That's the bare minimum and resposting something that got me threats in the first place completely contradicts and cancels out you discouraging it. We pulled you into a ticket and tried to politely explain what you did wrong, to which you replied carelessly and with an incredibly dry tone. It was clear to me you didn't care when you stated "I'm only here for the emojis" and never apologized. That is why you were banned.

This is the entire ticket conversation. They were not banned for "just liking and reblogging a post". They were banned for purposely reblogging something that went against both creators boundaries which inherently encourages threats and hate towards me no matter your intent. People say "Hey your guillotine/public ban channel is getting people threatened!" and I apologize and quickly take down the channel. I say "Hey your reblogs are getting me threatened" and I don't get an apology, nor did they take down the reblog and ended up joining the hate train and calling me immature and toxic for being terrified for my safety. To FleurDeMort / Pierce. I don't know if you're directly involved in any of this, but with how open you are about hating me and claiming I ban unfairly, I think It's safe to assume you are. You were originally banned for being involved in a drama that was making me break down and shut down as quickly as I could. I apologize for acting quickly out of fear, that is my fault, and I would've been more than happy to apologize to you directly just like I did the other person involved. However. I, after calming down, apologized for my passive agression and panicked actions a day or two afterwards. I unbanned the person I had directly spoke harmfully to, and apologized as did they. You typed out a message for the other person fighting me to send. It was filled with misinformation, was invalidating, ignored all my points in the debate, and was disrespectful.

If anyone wants more information on my view of this, I made a post here stating all the points that I made in this ticket that they completely ignored. You are an adult. You can be mad at me for being immature, but what does that make you? You , afterwards in anger, claimed that my ADULT MOD was "Jacking me off" for defending me.

That is fucking disgusting NO MATTER YOUR INTENT. I could give less of a fuck if that's an expression. I am an AMAB 16 year old and commenting that an adult who defended me was "jacking me off" at your grown ass age is fucking vile. There were a MILLION different expressions you could've used, but you chose that one. You have not apologized, you've only defended yourself in my friends servers and claimed that I am taking things out of proportion. Instead of apologizing and realizing that your angry statement was weird and sexual no matter your intent, you've chosen to defend yourself and throw a tantrum in partnered servers of mine about how you did no wrong.

Here's them opening a ticket in another server and defending themselves, so that people don't claim I'm not showing the full story. I acknowledge me and my mods didn't handle the situation correctly, I was dealing with a lot of stress and made bad decisions. That's my fault, and I am sorry. I have been forgiven by the person I hurt ( V ). They have forgiven me and are a happy active member in my server, and one of my main defenders. Here is all context provided to the "jacking k9 off" statement, just incase anyone wants to claim im not giving """Full context""" like Pierce has claimed.

This conversation wasn't even about me. They brought me up in a single sentence to say that my mod was "jacking me off" for not siding with them. I don't care what emotional state you were in, you're 19 saying that about an 18 and 16 year old. You should be ashamed. "It's an expression" does not give you an excuse to say that about a child just because you're angry. I am an AMAB 16 year old. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were to say "They'er fingering k9!", you would get a lot more hate. My body as a male should be held to the same standard, expression or not. I make mistakes and apologize for them. You make mistakes and defend yourself. That is the line of difference.

Here's them being manipulative to V after V had forgiven me, and trying to excuse saying sexual things about a child because it was "taken out of context". Saying sexual things about an adult and minor is pedophilic. I know that's a heavy word. I mean it. Your intent doesn't matter. Think before you speak.

For my final message about this drama; The amount of hypocrisy in the accusations about me is hilariously pathetic. I am not here to defend myself, I am here to state the facts of what happened, to share my story with these banned members, and to state that still even after all the hate sent to me, I do not understand what I've done wrong besides ban people who have wronged me without remorse and make a few accidents in my communitcation. I have not ever used my age or mental state as an excuse for my actions. There is a huge difference between "I'm not sorry, It's not my fault, I'm a child and I'm mentally ill" And "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, I am still growing and not in a good place mentally. My actions have been influenced my by current mental health and I've made mistakes. I have apologized and will try my best to grow" which is my statement and what I've stated in the past. If anyone who I have wronged wants to DM me on tumblr or discord to explain their side of the story and be apologized to, I am completely open for that. I want nothing more than to fix my mistakes and make people happy. That has been my wish from the start. I never act on malicious intent, I've never encouraged threats towards those who have hurt me, and I will never do either of those things. I have over 1,000 members in my server who are constantly telling me how safe they feel in my community, how it's the only place they've actively spoken, how much they love my art and me, and I love them back. To all that have treated me like human and been unbiased in your view of the drama thrown at me, thank you. I love you all. You uplift my life and I couldn't possibly express my gratitude in words. I will continue making emojis for verbal accessability and I will continue to grow, be better, and mature in my responses to threatening or scary situations. You say I'm toxic for being confused and angry, for not reacting well to proofless accusations of my character as a person, of ignoring people who have no evidence or who wont even mention what I've directly done wrong. Yet you chase after my every mistake, you grab at my flaws that I work on every day to improve, and you use FORGIVEN ISSUES against me. This community is toxic because of people like you.

How hard was it for a single one of you to politely DM me and inform me on what I was doing wrong? How hard was it to maturely speak to me about what you think isn't okay? You call me immature yet you spread lies about me like a childrens game of telephone. I am sorry for anyone who I've hurt. I am not sorry for being human. Do not harass anyone I have mentioned in this. I do not condone hatred, even if they have encouraged it towards me. I am sorry if anyone takes what I've said as hostile. I am tired and angry of people demonizing me with little to no proof of what they claim. I am tired of sleepless nights wondering if someone is going to send me more threats or dox me. I am tired. /nav Thank you for reading.

[ash5monster01]

Learning to Love Part 1

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x FemReader!PlusSize

Warnings: 18+, langauge, angst, fluff, mentions of bullying, body image issues, fat shaming, fake relationship, eventual smut, minor enemies to lovers trope.

Summary: It's not uncommon for you to be shamed for your size, it is however uncommon to be told that no one would ever date you because of it. Rafe on the other hand is used to being called a jerk, that is until he is accused of seeing people for only what's on the surface. It's purely coicidental you two meet right after these accusations are thrown your way. So even though you two don't know each other, and probably never would've looked the others way before this, now you're both going to prove a point. It's simple really, prove others wrong and don't fall in love. Easier said than done.

word count: 3.2k

Intro ←→ Part 2

Masterlist

It’s not until you’re opening the bar the next day you finally receive a text from your fake boyfriend. You had spent most of the night confused how this had all happened. You blamed it on how worked up you were after the beach, letting yourself get carried away. You couldn’t back out now, you had signed a contract. Hell it might be on a napkin but it was right there, evidence that you had made an agreement with a perfect stranger and now had no way out. A part of you wanted to do this too. Prove something to others you still weren’t sure of yourself. You just prayed you wouldn’t get too attached.

unknown number

You wanted to keep that same confidence you had yesterday. A coolness that you had maintained while getting into a fake relationship. Thing was your heart was already starting to thump over him texting you. You weren’t strong enough for this, you knew you would fold in seconds. Your only priority now was making sure he didn't know that about you. That was why you had limited PDA because you knew one touch from him would be your weakness. You weren't blind, he was gorgeous. He had every right to be cocky and you had no right to be. You save his number anyway despite desperately wanting to block it and pretend none of this happened.

Rafe

You were screwed. Totally and utterly screwed. You had googled him, you weren't no fool. All it did was intimidate you even more. CEO of one of the largest companies in the area, articles about his dead Dad and all the trouble he had gotten into when he was younger. He was tough, cold, and you were anything but. Now you had to act like you loved him. Someone who had become cold towards the world and you who still was on somewhat good terms with it had to learn to love him. Well fake love him.

"What's with the look?" your friend Mila asks. You look to her from across the bar where she dumps ice to prepare for the long shift ahead of you both. Mila was one of the few people in this world you had known all your life and had always stuck by your side. She was the only oen to ever really tell people off when they were mean to you. Which was half the reason you always kept her around. Even now as roomates and your employee. She would always take care of you and you would always take care of her.

"A boy" you find yourself saying. She is the last person on earth you would want to admit this mistake to but you realize you can also get her advice without having to tell the full truth.

"A boy, do I know this boy?" it's the soft shake of your head that has her abandoning the ice buckets and walking over to face you. You never talked about boys so whatever this was deseved her undivided attention.

"No, I met him here yesterday" you don't miss the way her hands fall on her hips instantly, a stern look coming your way.

"Want to explain why you were here on your day off?" Mila didn't like how you overworked yourself. You were the owner, she was the manager, you didn't have to do any of the work that you did around here. So when she catches you putting in time when you deserve a much needed break she's the first one ready to fight you.

"I came for a drink, I promise I didn't step behind the bar once" you say raising your hands in defense. She studies you for a moment to make sure you're telling the truth before removing her hands from her hips and leaning forward.

"So you met a boy while getting a drink yesterday?" she questions and you nod. She pushes her curly brunette hair back from her face and grabs the hair tie on her wrist and secures it all behind her head while awaiting your answer.

"Yes and he gave me his number" as her arms drop back down to her sides her dough eyes widen in surprise. She knew you deserved the world but she also knew how people treated you. She knows because they're the same people she had been shoving on the playground as kids and flipping off in public as adults.

"Have you texted him?" she asks, trying to not act to excited on your behalf. She knows you want to be cool and collected about this. To not get your hopes up because you're prepared for the worst. You always are.

"He actually just texted me" she nods, waiting for you to give more about how you are feeling so she can determine whether to be excited or worried for you. "He is extremely intimidating"

"Are you gonna go on a date with him?" she asks as she pushes up the sleeves of her shirt, dark amber skin on display. It reminds you of how you always wanted to be her growing up. Perfect body, perfect face, the prettiest smile. Boys always turned their heads when they saw her and when they saw you they would turn back away. Mila was a beautiful light skinned Goddess and you were just you. Plain jane.

"I might, I just don't want to get attached" she didn't have to ask to know this and you both don't miss the way your phone dings again.

Rafe

The text has your heat doubling in speed. Mila watches you with concentration, Randy now joining you btoh behind to bar to finish the job Mila had started. She waits patiently like always, waiting to see if you'll tell her what he just said. She really wants to rip the phone from your hand and read for herself but she knows you better than anyone. This needs to be just for you right now and as long as she knows you won't get hurt she is okay with it.

"He wants to have dinner" you speak after a beat and before she can say anything Randy butts in while polishing the crytal glasses at the other end of the bar.

"Pretty boy from yesterday?" Randy's comment has Mila raising her eyebrows and looking back at you.

"You never said he was a pretty boy" you don't have to answer before Randy does.

"Yeah the dude was hot. I'm straight but if he asked me out I would say yes in an instant" this has Mila turning towards you with a questioning look. You know she has hundreds of things running through her head that she wants to say but she is nearly bursting with excitment and you don't want to hold out on her.

"This is not in a mean way but was he genuine? Not like the guys I have to kick the shit out of?" she asks above everything else and again you are cut off by Randy.

"Based on the way he was devouring her with his eyes I'd say he was genuine. When she leaned over the bar I thought he was going to take a bite out of her ass" Randy says which causes Mila to snort and you to glare at him.

"I can answer these questions myself Randy and need I remind you who can change the status of your employment in a second?" you tell him, arms crossing over you chest and he chuckles as he set's the last of the clean glasses down on the bar top.

"I'm just saying, about time someone noticed how cool you are" you roll your eyes even though your heart soars over how genuine he is. You could never fire Randy, he was one of your best bartenders and over the years a close friend.

"Well are you gonna go?" Mila interrupts and you look at her confused before you realize what she is asking. It's then your phone dings with a new message again.

Rafe

Sighing you look up at two of your closest and dearest friends before droppign back down to the message on your phone. They don't know it isn't genuine, that both you and pretty boy are aware of how fake this relationship is, and is only meant for personal gain but you don't want to disappoint them. So you force a smile on your face and look to them both hoping they can't read the lies all over it. "I guess I’m going to dinner"

"Yes!' the pair cheers before chest bumping each other and you roll your eyes before typing a response back to Rafe.

Rafe

Shaking your head you realize exactly what kind of trouble you're in. You no longer have to lie to yourself about your feelings towards the boys now you had to lie to everyone else that's important in your life. You just prayed in wouldn’t blow up in your face.

You were still praying when the clock hit seven o’clock on the dot. There was no hiding the fact you had just worked a whole shift so you stopped yourself from any attempts at looking presentable. You didn’t have much time anyway since Rafe walked through the door right on time. When Mila realized that he was the boy her jaw dropped, which had you blushing a deep red. You tried to get your face back to normal before Rafe stood in front of you, a grey suit draped across his form, looking handsome as ever. Even with his hair falling onto his forehead he was still just as gorgeous.

“You promised nothing fancy” you tell him before he can say anything and he grins, hand reaching for your own.

“I just left work doll, I’ll change into a trash bag if you need me too” sighing you place your hand in his anyway and allow him to guide you out from behind the bar.

“Text me if you need anything guys” you call out to Mila and Randy who have more drink orders than they can keep up with.

“Text us if you need anything” Mila said in a suggestive way and you shook your head while throwing your purse over the shoulder of your free arm. You tried to act like his hand locked in your own didn’t make you as nervous as it did. This was fake, all show. You could do this.

You’re met with one of the nicest trucks you’ve ever seen still running outside. He opens the door and helps you climb inside before jogging to the other side. The smile he sends your way is a knees weak type of smile. You just know how many girls probably melted for that and a part of you feels bad for him. That he never could actually love someone the way he wanted because of material things. You knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that. That’s why you were doing this, for both you and him.

“I figured we could eat at my place, take that for nothing fancy” he says as he pulls out onto the road.

“Is this the part where I find out you’re an axe murderer and fake dating is how you lure people in?” you question, heart racing over the idea of already being alone in his apartment with him. You don’t miss the way his hands tighten on the steering wheel but he still sends a smile your way.

“Not an axe murderer. I just want to get to know you, get our story straight” and you nod as he finally reaches a condo building. You wish you had known how rich he was before agreeing to fake date him. Yeah you owned a bar but that didn’t mean you were racking in big bucks. You still had a roommate after all. “Plus I’m a good cook”

“Poison, I knew it” you tease and he genuinely laughs before shaking his head and getting out the truck. You don’t miss the annoyed look he gives you when you pop open your door before he can. He helps you down anyway before guiding you inside.

You’re practically on the top floor by the time you get there. When he opens the door to his apartment it looks as if you could fit three of your own in it. You try to not let this intimidate you, the space still practically open. You can spot his bed in the corner and you quickly push away the thoughts of him sleeping in it every night. The kinds of girls he might bring back to it. Girls who would never ever look like you. You an exception just to prove a point because the truth was Rafe Cameron would never date a girl like you for real.

“I’m gonna change, feel free to make yourself at home” he tears your attention away from the bed and you nod as he starts walking towards his room. You realize this open concept leaves you both vulnerable to eachother so you choose the living room chair that has its back towards his bedroom. Distracting yourself you pull your phone out just to see a text from Mila.

Mila 💜

You can’t help but laugh lightly at the message on your phone which is when Rafe returns to the room now clad in grey sweats and white T-shirt that strained across his pecs perfectly. You hated him. He knew exactly what he was doing putting that outfit on. “Something funny?”

“Just my friend Mila, when I told her I was going out with you I guess she didn’t really expect you” he snorts as he sits on the couch kiddie corner to your own seat. You don’t miss the way he spreads his legs apart and gets comfy as if he hasn’t sat all day.

“I assume that was the girl behind the bar?” he says and you nod, shoving your phone back into your pocket. “So we’re not telling anyone then?”

“I guess not, I was too embarrassed to tell my friends it wasn’t real” you tell him and he nods before sitting up.

“It’s better that way anyway, less chance of getting caught” he says and you agree. If anyone found out you’d be mortified and you’re sure Rafe would be too.

“I told them we met at the bar, so if you tell your friends we should probably stick to that story” you tell him and he nods, hating that this felt awkward.

“That bar, you have a waitress. Red head, green eyes” and you hate the way your heart thumps in your chest. You had liked so many boys your whole life and every time you had been looked over for someone else, one of your friends. You hated that it was happening now with your own fake boyfriend.

“Callie, yeah. She’s a sweetheart” you nod as normal as you can but you couldn’t even hold a candle to that girls beauty. She’s 20, skinny, beautiful.

“Can you apologize to her for me? My friends were assholes the other day and I know she over heard them. I’ve felt guilty about it since” Callie had told you about this today. Two assholes saying she was unattractive. You remembered thinking if they found her unattractive imagine what they thought of you. Now knowing Rafe was at that table you felt even more nervous about this agreement between you two.

“Yeah, I’ll tell her” you agree with a forced smile and he nods before standing up.

“Well, let’s get cooking” he says with a clap of his hands and you give him a confused look.

“I agreed to dinner, not cooking it” you tell him and he laughs as he helps you to your feet.

“You’ll like this, promise” he tells you which is how you find yourself at his kitchen island making your own pizzas. You laugh each time he attempts to throw the premade dough and you put more pepperoni than physically possible on each slice. You do it just to annoy him though which you learn is really fun. Once you’ve destroyed the kitchen you’re both laughing at each other’s stories while sharing a bottle of wine and the messy pizza you both had made.

“How’d you get into owning that bar?” Rafe finds himself asking, noting how you picked at the slice of pizza on your plate. He knew it was because you were nervous to eat in front of him. That someone had probably made fun of you for eating and now to eat in front of others needed trust.

“Fate. Sort of. When I was twenty I graduated with my associates in business and I was searching everywhere for a manager position. That was when I found the bar. It was a hot spot and the owner didn’t feel like running it anymore. He liked that I was young, a fresh face. He sold it to me for practically nothing and now it’s basically my home” you briefly tell him the story and Rafe nods, soaking in how different your story was from his own. You had grew up practically on the same island as him and you had never known him.

“So you’ve been there ever since?” and you nod, pressing the rim of the wine glass to your lips. Reveling in the fact that is was the only thing keeping you calm in this handsome man’s presence.

“Yeah, and I really love it. I meet so many new people and work with my best friends everyday. I get to sleep in too” Rafe laughs as you say this, somehow figuring it made sense that you weren’t a morning person.

“Have you ever been in love?” the question catches you off guard and Rafe doesn’t miss the way you suck in a sharp breath at the question.

“I’d like to think I have, but I’m not so sure anymore” you say and he nods, deep in thought as he sips from his own wine glass.

“Same” he tells you and just as before you realize you and Rafe are two sides of one coin. Probably doomed, to torn up from the cruel world around you. Your worlds were two different places and maybe that’s the way things should be. Doing this was stepping into enemy territory and at the end of the day maybe you weren’t proving anybody, just proving something to yourselves. Either way, you didn’t want to leave him behind now.

Taglist: @sublimepenguinpeach-blog @fishingirl12 @houseofperfecttaste @kisstaya @abbybarnesstuff @carma-fanficaddict @jjmaybankisbae @exhaustedbutelated @diagnosedpsychosis @daivny @drewstarkeygf

Comment if you want to be added to the tag list :))

[gougarfem]

i know this is cliché and there are a million posts like this but i'm getting so tired of the pointless infighting on here. and before you accuse me of anything, i'm a lesbian who practices complete female seperatism with the exception of having to interact with male healthcare staff. yes, i'm far from a perfect radfem, and yes, we should all try but I don't think anyone on here meets that ideal. seeing misogynistic slurs and insults thrown at women who are bisexual, het-partnered, or god forbid need a fucking abortion is so saddening when tumblr is one of the only places i feel a sense of community with other feminists. most people on here have at some point been isolated and ostracized for our politics. we're lucky to have a space on a site like this where we can express our beliefs and form a community and have nuanced discussions (look at what's happening to other apps! look how quickly radfem pages are termed on instagram and tiktok!) and instead of using this platform for constructive discussion some of you are spending 4+ hours a day in petty arguments over semantics, attacking vulnerable women for needing medical procedures and cyberbullying anyone who happens to feel attraction to men. we are not going to form a movement like this. no progress will come from this! outsiders see us picking each other apart and are discouraged from radical feminism, men use the holes in our community to tear us apart and make us look like a joke. people go back to liberal circles because their first day on radblr gets them an inbox full of insults and slurs and they quickly see how other women are treated on here.

i can't believe this needs saying but spending your day online calling osa women traitors/c*nts/c*cksuckers/brainwashed, telling detrans women we're deformed and damaged goods and throwing around the r slur is not activism nor is it feminist. some of you need to watch a primary school cyberbullying powerpoint about how there's another person at the end of the screen because i know no one on here would say those things to a woman's face. radical feminism fights for the liberation of EVERY woman, no matter if you personally dislike them or disagree with their choices - and even so, it's common sense that people will be more open to conversation and willing to change if you treat them with kindness, instead of denouncing and dogpiling everyone who doesn't meet your standards. i'm a radfem because so many women aren't. i'm a radfem for the women who wear makeup and insist it's for themselves. i'm a radfem for women who have been "happily married" 10 years and still do 100% of the housework. is that you? are you fighting for these women? or are you on here to boost your superiority complex and put others down? because if that's the case our movement doesn't fucking need you.

i hope some of you think about why you're on tumblr and how exactly you're aiding female liberation or even helping women to begin with. where the majority of other communities are toxic echo chambers, we need to be able to accept differences of opinion and fight for the bigger cause. anything else will alienate the same women we claim to be fighting for.

[outsideratheart]

Make It True (Leah Williamson x reader)

A/N: Day twenty three of the Christmas advent calendar.  I thought I would do a longer one for Christmas eve’s eve.

Based off this: Fake dating for Christmas Ball & “I’ll let you sit on my knee.

The snow was falling at The Coloney and it’s as if everyone turned into children. Snowballs had been thrown, snowmen had been made and the last training session of the year had been one full of games. 

As the team gathered in the canteen, the club’s Christmas party was on the team’s mind. There was no pressure of entertaining sponsors and the higher ups. It was just the players and staff in attendance. 

Of all the seats in the room Leah chooses your table which happens to be full so she sits on your knee. It wasn’t the first time this has happened so the team didn’t bat an eyelid. Your team mates and the fans knew the two of you were close and took the term work wife very seriously. 

Like always you and Leah have your own conversation as if no one else is there. Whilst your friends found it cute they also find it a annoying from time to time. 

“Y/N” Katie almost sings and you know the tone, she means to cause trouble. 

“You look very comfortable there. I’m not sure your girlfriend would appreciate you been so close to our vice captain like that?” 

You eyes widen at her accusation. You did not have a girlfriend and you have no idea what would make her think that. Truth is you only had eyes for Leah, it has been that way for years and you honestly don’t see it changing. 

Then you see the look in the Irish women’s eye. She is trying to get one of you to bite and you know that Leah is the easy target. 

“Don’t” you whisper in the blonde’s ear when you feel her tense up on your lap. 

You eye Katie giving her a warning but when she smirks you know she isn’t done. 

“What do you think Meado, will Y/N be bringing her girlfriend?” Katie asks. 

There’s that word again. One which doesn’t have an owner. 

“You’re seeing someone?” Viv asks. 

“It makes sense. You’ve been very preoccupied lately. You haven’t been coming out with us. What’s her name? Do we get to meet her? What’s she like?” Beth fires question after question and as soon as she is finished with her interrogation Jen starts then Steph. 

“It’s me” Leah snaps. 

All heads turn to the two as you as Leah grabs your hand and wraps it around her waist, your hand now resting on the lower part of her stomach. The placement is a lot more intimate then where it was before. 

“You’re better at lying then me” she whispers in your ear before kissing your cheek. 

At the point you see your friends waiting for your response. 

“Looks like the cats out of the bag. Leah is the person I have been spending my time with, if that isn’t obvious at this point” 

“I knew it!” Caitlyn stands up in victory and asks for some of the team to pay up making it clear that they have made bet on your’s and Leah’s fake relationship. 

The attention soon comes back to the two of you but you tap Leah’s tummy telling her to get up. 

 “We have to go. Have fun gossiping” you tel you team. 

Even after you are out the canteen you don’t speak to Leah. It is only when you are back in the locker room where you know no one can hear do you make your true feeling known. 

“Care to explain?” You tried not to sound mad but the undertone was there and Leah knew it. 

When she doesn’t answer you know that it must be something deeper than she is willing to let on because she won’t look you in the eye. 

“We still need to discuss why you did what you did but not now” you couldn’t ignore how natural it felt when you held Leah or the rosiness in her cheeks after she kissed you but clearly she wasn’t ready and neither were you. 

“What is your plan?” You ask Leah knowing that the reason why your fake relationship was revealed is because of the Christmas party. 

“We stay fake dating until after the party then we break up” Leah is clearly unsure of what the plan is, given she only made it up ten minutes ago. 

“Wow, you’re already planning on breaking up with me. You wound me Williamson” 

Leah throws her training jacket at you. She then bursts into laughter at the situation she has put herself in although she can’t complain, not with the way her heart is beating at the thought of calling you hers even if it is fake. 

“The party is in two days. I’ll pick you up and we’ll go together. Follow my lead and let me do the talking” you hug her tightly before leaving to locker room ready to go home. 

“Wait, why are you doing the talking?”

You turn to face Leah.  

“Because you are a terrible liar. It’s one of the things I love about you” it is only when you are half way down the hallway do you realise what you said. You only hope that Leah didn’t think that much into it but if you were to turn around you would see her frozen in her spot. 

********************

You had driven to Leah’s house countless times before but this time was different. You had thought about your plan the entire day. In the end you came to the conclusion that the best way to get through the night was to be as honest as possible and treat Leah the way you always wanted to, like she is the only girl in the world. 

When you knock on her door you cannot help but feel like you are picking up your prom date. That feeling comes true when her mum answers the door. 

“What are you intentions with my daughter?” She only just gets the sentence out before bursting into laughter. 

“Did she tell you what happened?” Her mum nods her head “Maybe tonight to will show what the future could look like” 

Amanda told you time and time again that she thought you were made for her daughter and it made her the number one supporter of yours and Leah’s fake relationship. 

“Maybe. I guess there is only one way to find out” truth is you had thought and hoped the same thing. 

Luckily you get stopped before the conversation gets too deep. The last thing you needed tonight was for your feelings to get in the way. You head needed to be in control. 

“Y/N you look beautiful” Leah makes her way towards you and not so subtly checks you out. 

You wore a long black dress with your hair in a straight ponytail. Although tonight was a party, it was black tie themed. Leah herself takes your breath away, she is wearing a well tailored suit, a white shirt with more buttons undone then done up and then a black lace bra underneath. 

“You look, wow” you keep your sentence short in hear that your true thoughts will come to light. 

“Photo. Photo” Amanda says as she gets her phone out. 

You and Leah pose for several photos before Amanda suggests you get into character. Leah’s mum is oblivious to your hand placement as it rests on Leah’s bum. You lean down and meet her gaze. The way you look at her and she looks at you, well you would have thought each other hung the stars. 

“We do make a good couple” Leah says as she looks at the first few photos. 

“A sexy couple” you reply when she swipes to the final one. 

“Y/N!” Both Leah and her mum say at same time. 

“What! I need to be honest now because I’m about to spend god knows how long lying to our friends” 

Although you meant no harm by your words you can immediately see that Leah is hurt. 

“I’m sorry” 

“Hey!” You grab her shoulders “I agreed to it and we’re going to have fun tonight” you grab her hand and pull her to towards the door. You know it isn’t necessary but you were excited to have Leah be your pretend girlfriend for the night. 

“Have her home for 11” Amanda shouts. 

“Not a chance” Leah shouts back. 

*********************

You face your first challenge when you get out the car. 

“Shall we hold hands? We link arms or we—“ Leah always mumbles when she gets nervous, it was one of her tells. 

“What did I tell you?” 

“To follow your lead”

“That’s right”

You take Leah’s hand in yours making sure to interlock your fingers. When you walk though the doors you feel like a spotlight has been put on the two of you. 

“Well if it isn’t the hottest and best kept secret couple in the WSL” Katie says. 

“You’re just mad we didn’t tell you sooner” you retort as you hug Ruesha. 

You make the extra effort to greet Jonas and his wife. His face is priceless when he sees your hand resting on Leah’s waist as his wife talks. 

“I had my suspicions about you two on my first day here. Nice to see that my gut was right” Jonas is proud of himself, you can tell. 

“I think everyone has thought me and Leah are dating at one point or another” you joke whilst Leah watches as you seem to confirm he is right but don’t actually say it. In this moment she understands why you said you would do the talking. You’re not lying to anyone, you’re just not telling the whole truth. 

Throughout the night you and Leah do the rounds saying hello to the staff and their partners. It is after speaking to one of the your close friends who works at the club that Leah begins to struggle with the facade. 

“I’m going to the bathroom” Leah kisses your cheek before walking away. 

You don’t want to be rude so you continue your conversation but your gaze follows Leah until she is no longer in sight. In the end you excuse yourself. Something wasn’t right and you needed to know if Leah was ok. 

“Leah it’s me. Please open the door” you knock gently as not to make a scene. 

Unbeknownst to you Leah is leaning on the other side of the door. Panic is slowly consuming her as the lies begin to take their toll. Despite this she lets you in and you lock the door behind you. 

“Talk me Leah” 

You see her hesitate like she doesn’t what to say what she is thinking. When she still doesn’t reply you test the waters. 

“Why did you tell the team you were my girlfriend?” It was a question that you knew the answer and it was helping you get through the night. Now Leah had to realise it too. 

“I don’t know” 

At first you don’t believe her but then you see the look her contemplation in her eyes and you know she is almost there. 

“I do. You told them we were dating because you hated the thought of me being with someone else” 

“I can’t keep lying to them” she didn’t acknowledge what you said but you know she heard you and that was enough. 

“Then we make it true” it sounded more simple than it was but you know a little truth can go a long way. 

Leah walks towards you, with each step she gains a little more confidence knowing you mean what you said and that you were right. 

“How?” She asks.

“Like this. On our first date we went for a walk around Hyde park because you know how much I like it and I know you like the little cafe by the bridge”

“But that hasn’t happened” 

“It hasn’t happened…..yet. Are you free tomorrow?” 

You were confident and Leah knew it. 

“Our first date. We just don’t tell them when” she says and you nod your head, now she was getting it “then if they ask when I knew I liked you I would say the day I met you” 

“Is that so? If they ask who said I love you first I will say me. We were in a bathroom and I realised in that moment that there was no one else for me, that you Leah Williamson, were my soul mate so I pulled you close, looked you straight in the eyes and said I love you” 

You do as you and say and by the time you finish the three magic words, Leah’s eyes are welling up with tears. 

“And I said I right back. I said nobody in the world makes me feel the way you do. Whenever I picture my future you are the one I see by my side. I said I love you and I meant it” 

Then Leah kisses you. The warmth of her lips on your own is like nothing you’ve ever felt before. It gave you butterflies, the best kind. 

“We really should get out there, they’ll be looking for us” you unlock the door but Leah remains in her place with a pout on her face 

“C’mon, I’ll let you sit on my knee. I know how much you like it” you tease. 

The rest of the night is much easier. You and Leah remain close and rarely leave each other’s side. Her mum was right. Tonight definitely showed you what the future could look liked and you couldn’t wait. 

[yuseirra]

Kamiki(+Ai) Mini-analysis

I feel the best part of this work comes from the psychological aspects, it's intriguing how real and complex it can get. It's honestly what's drew me in this time around, and I really hope they revert back to exploring things in relation to it after some dire events get resolved somehow.

Today I wrote a small anaysis of Kamiki's character since he tends to be a bit confusing at first glance: I can be wrong, of course, but I'm confident with my analysis regarding the emotional aspect of things. I felt it would be nice to bring up!

Honestly, I don’t think Kamiki is such a difficult character to understand regarding his mentality. His self-esteem is severely low, so he internalizes all the negative criticism and accusations thrown at him without resistance, accepting them as they are. In fact, he adds to it by blaming himself even more. Sometimes, he even goes out of his way to act in ways that invite misunderstandings. Since he’s already trapped in a state of self-loathing, the fact that he doesn’t bother to make excuses is just an extension of that.

He has an incredibly low opinion of himself. That's because he was constantly mistreated and never been properly loved all his life till Ai came along. At the same time, it’s not like he dislikes people… Ai, on the other hand, seemed to have some defensive feelings toward others, maybe even a little distaste for people (which, in a way, can act as a shield to protect oneself). But Kamiki? When someone comes to him, he’s just happy to have a shred of affection and, like a puppy, he eagerly follows along, giving everything he has. He’s been starved for love. Him trusting people so eagerly and easily—that’s where it comes from. His trust in Ryosuke and Nino is also rooted in this. Kamiki seems to genuinely like people. When he receives kindness, it makes him purely happy… he wants to believe in their good intent and think 'oh, they like it, so it's fine, right? It's a good thing if others are happy' But again and again, he’s taken advantage of and abandoned. And, at some point, he realized—even though it seemed like people cared about him, this wasn’t right. They just used him up and it wasn't real affection that he'd received. The real problem is with those who used him. If they had been decent people, this wouldn’t have happened… But when these things happen, instead of blaming others, he always turns the arrow on himself. His already low self-esteem sinks even lower, and he blames himself and hates himself even more. Ai, on the other hand, had enough of a backbone to protect herself by holding onto some anger toward others. So, even though she couldn’t quite love herself, she could still carry some pride and confidence, enough to live life on her own terms. But Kamiki? When something goes wrong, he blames himself. He tries to rationalize these sorts of situations by believing that it’s because he’s not good enough, or because he’s unworthy, that everyone leaves him. That’s also one of the reason why he lacks aggression—he always sees the fault within himself. Look at the flower bouquet incident. He probably wasn’t at fault at all, but because he bought the flowers, he lied at first and said it was his doing. The fact that it was a lie implies that the rest of what he said was likely the unfiltered truth. If he were truly guilty, the story would have ended in chapter 154, but it didn’t—there was more to it after that.

I’ve mentioned before that you have to dig deeper to understand the real intent behind his words. In chapter 153, he said he killed Ai.

In chapter 154, he changed his story, saying he only manipulated Ryosuke to scare her, but he never intended to kill her.

Then, in chapter 160, the tone softens again—he says he really just wanted to give her the bouquet. And this is the real truth.

What’s happening here is that he hates himself so much that he piles more blame on himself, amplifying his responsibility for what happened. He feels like the person he loved died because of him, and that’s why he can’t forgive himself… But the more he talks about Ai, the more sincere he becomes, gradually revealing his true feelings.

When it comes to attachment styles, Ai had some avoidant tendencies,

While Kamiki shows a lot of traits typical of anxious attachment.

Yet despite this, the two of them clearly got along well. I keep coming back to this, and there’s hardly any room to argue otherwise. The fact that Ai could think so highly of him is honestly so remarkable…

For someone with avoidant tendencies to say, 'I want to live with this person forever,' that means the other person was truly perfect and lovable in their eyes. That’s an incredibly strong bond. I wish people would recognize this... believe in that idea for once, They really did find a huge liking to each other, and that family Ai imagined WAS really possible. They would have built a nice and happy one. It wasn't a messed-up relationship they had. They are tragic because they could have been perfect.

Even though both of them had their own struggles, they were good people at heart, and they surely could have supported each other to live well together. The real problems came from the outside.

I wrote this up as I attempted to draw a piece earlier(going to complete it and post it today!) these are sort of the things that pass through my head when I draw things sometimes

I need to understand the psychology of these characters to at least some degree in order to portray them, I may not be perfect with these, but I really try!

[fandomeldersintheirthirties]

one of the biggest problems i’ve encountered because of how normal harassment has become is that i don’t immediately believe victims anymore. i feel really bad saying that but half of the callout posts i see people passing around (should mention that the person i follow who reposts callouts is an anti), the warning at the beginning will almost always say tw: pedophilia, or something similar. i truly hate how i have to raise my brow and ask “ok, did the ‘bestialist’ sexually harm an animal or did they just draw a cartoon dog with its dick out” because people have just. watered down these terms so much. as an actual victim i don’t think it’s fair to equate actual harm being done to real people and an artist who draws something a little nasty

I feel you there Anon. I don't believe in any callouts/accusations anymore (unless a solid proof is presented), especially if the person is "supposed" to be a pedophile/groomer/zoophile etc. because like you said 90% of the time they didn't do anything to harm real people, they just drew a cartoon dog porn.

I only wish more people were more critical of baseless callouts and accusations being thrown around social medias.

[emailsfromanactor]

I went looking for more Hamlet photos and found this one of William Redfield and Marlon Brando at an airport! It's from August 5, 1953, so I thought it might be related to their Arms and the Man tour, but I did a bit of digging and found another photo of Brando with a more detailed caption:

No passport, no voyage. Actor Marlon Brando sits dejectedly on luggage belonging to his friend, actor William Redfield, after he was refused an emergency passport by the State Department. Brando was supposed to sail for Europe aboard the Ile De France, but he lost his fifth passport when it was stolen along with his luggage from Redfield's car. The French line politely told the actor they just couldn't take him along under the circumstanes.

A bit more digging and... huh:

Brando and his then regular lover, fellow actor William Redfield, had been thrown off the Ile De France in New York harbour because, for the fifth time, Brando had lost his passport.

Emphasis mine. I did not expect this. Even more digging below!

Okay, maybe based on this picture, I should have expected it? Find someone who looks at you the way William Redfield looks at Marlon Brando:

(The only source I can find for that one is Pinterest, sigh.)

Oh, uh. This is blunt:

During the previous month, Marlon had been seeing a handsome young actor, William Redfield, who had become an almost constant companion. Marlon was hanging out more with this Manhattan-born stage actor than he was with Wally Cox. Marlon chose the lesser role of Sergius, the aristocratic Bulgarian major with Bryonic pretensions. The more important role, that of the pragmatic, anti-romantic Bluntschli, he graciously conceded to Redfield. Among Marlon’s friends, Redfield was the only one lucratively employed at the time. But he gave up a profitable job on TV to follow Marlon to New England. As one of the original members of Actors Studio, Redfield had befriended Marlon. “Befriended isn’t really the word,” [Carlo] Fiore said. “I think he worshipped him. That summer the two men got to know each other on intimate terms.” “I’d known Redfield for several months before finding out he had a gay streak in him,” Fiore said. “Of course, I think most actors have a gay streak in them, even the straight ones. One night on the road I walked into Marlon’s bedroom and found them going at it. Redfield was on top. Seeing me, Marlon shouted, ‘Get the fuck out of my room. Can’t you see I’m busy?’ Redfield was so intent on riding it to the finish line that he didn’t even seem to notice my intrusion.” “Redfield and Marlon were virtually inseparable that summer,” Fiore said, “although both of them got some female ass on the side. But always together. They even fucked chicks together like Marlon and I had done in that long ago summer. Redfield followed Marlon around like he was a lovesick puppy. I think he really fell in love with Marlon. I warned him to keep the relationship physical—not emotional—but the fool wouldn’t listen to me. Like a bitchy queen, he accused me of wanting Marlon for myself. He claimed I was jealous. I was jealous of their friendship, as I wanted to spend time with Marlon, but only as a friend, not as a fuck buddy. Redfield didn’t believe me. Since he wanted to fuck Marlon, he just assumed that I did too.”

That's from Brando Unzipped by Darwin Porter. Carlo Fiore wrote his own book called Bud: The Brando I Knew: The Untold Story of Brando's Private Life. I don't know how reliable either writer is, but the relationship seems not unlikely!

Also from Brando Unzipped:

After The Saboteur: Code Named Morituri was released in 1965, Redfield wrote a famous book on acting, Letters from an Actor, eventually published in 1966. The New York Times ran an excerpt of the book. In it, Redfield claimed that Marlon had "dishonored himself" by appearing in so many trashy movies. The actor built a case that Marlon should give up films and return to the stage, where, as Redfield generously suggested, "he could be our finest Hamlet." Although it was not a vicious critique of Marlon, Redfield's New York Times article produced an avalanche of protests from Marlon fans who defended their star. One reader asked, "If Marlon Brando has William Redfield for a friend, he need look no further for an Iago." An infuriated Marlon told Fiore, "Billy has betrayed me. The Brutus to my Caesar. I can't believe that I ever trusted him." Even though he'd never speak to Redfield again, Marlon did delight in the success Redfield eventually had while co-starring with Marlon's own friend, Jack Nicholson. The two actors appeared together in the Oscar-winning One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, released in 1976. When Redfield died of leukemia the following year, Marlon uttered the following pronouncement: "Even though I banished him as a friend, his death causes me great pain," Marlon said. "Like so many other friends in life, he tried to cash in on his association with me, and that is wrong. He should have stood on his own accomplishments, and be judged as a man that way. Regrettably for him, his epitaph and his only claim to fame will be one achievement: FRIEND OF MARLON BRANDO. Those words should go on his tombstone."

Yikes. ...and coincidentally, the first description of Carlo Fiore that pops up on Google is "an actor who now is remembered only for his friendship with Marlon Brando."

Well. Learn something new every day!

[8bitsupervillain]

Higurashi When They Cry Hou Ch. 8 Matsuribayashi pt. 28

Long ago, back around late Onikakushi, early Watanagashi I wondered if there was a website similar to howlongtobeat. I was informed by @ggren-mainz that there are indeed websites for that. I had kind of forgotten about this until just now. And now I'm envisioning someone with their copy of A Dance With Dragons in one hand, and a stopwatch in the other.

An accident at the Shirakawa park

This particular fragment demonstrated to me the hazard of writing down notes, and theories before the section ends.

There is a case in Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney where the defendant for the case is accused of killing a man with a .45 revolver. The problem is that the defendant is a small blind child, and the idea that this kid was able to overpower someone who towers over them, wrestle the gun away from the victim and then not just shatter their bones by shooting the victim point blank is kind of ridiculous. Of course this being Ace Attorney the judge, prosecution, and everyone agrees that yes this small blind piano prodigy totally killed this man this way. The accusations being thrown at Satoko, that she was able to overpower and kill both her mother and her stepfather reminded me a lot of this case.

I can’t imagine that being accused of murdering both of your parents is a particularly light mental strain at the best of times. I can only imagine that it would make your terminal mental condition just a hair worse.

What I was not prepared for was the visual novel just going “why yes Satoko did indeed kill her parents.” I imagined that at best it was going to be left up to speculation about whether or not she actually did the deed. Which thinking about it might have been for the best to confirm it outright, because even though there was the red paranoia text in the original Satoko Houjou fragment enough time has passed that it’s entirely possible for the reader to have forgotten it.

My earlier comparison with the Apollo Justice case, I kid you not, was written just one sentence before the visual novel confirmed Satoko was the one who killed her parents. I had a slightly longer thought typed out but the sentence “I’d assumed that her parents’ accident triggered her terminal symptoms.” occurred and so I felt kind of foolish and simply deleted it. Which is a shame because it was a delight to have written out, and I wish I had saved it regardless. I think I’ve demonstrated multiple times throughout the playthrough that I have no problems posting my blatantly incorrect theories and speculations. Oh well, c’est la vie.

I wonder if this thrilled the Mountain Dogs to be able to actually do their assigned duty? It doesn’t really get into the day to day minutiae of the institute’s operations, but I imagine a lot of them were just sort of dying to do anything related to their actual job. Cause outside of the kidnapping in 78 they probably haven’t had much to do.

I will try my best to quit bringing up the same points over and over again, but I once again have to wonder if these Irie narrated fragments were made entirely to try to course correct with his character. Was there a particularly vocal dislike of Irie to the point that Ryukish07 felt the need to try to win back the crowd over his silly lolicon doctor? Circling back all the way back to Tatarigoroshi I wonder if Irie was just putting on an act in front of the various villagers and Keiichi by acting like he wanted to actually marry Satoko. Like he was purposefully being a goofy annoyance to her in an effort to see how she is in terms of her Hinamizawa Syndrome. I freely admit this is probably just my own head canon fanfiction crap, but I just wonder about this more serious buttoned down characterization Irie’s received this chapter.

[johanna-swann]

As per my last post, I re-watched Hen begins (again) because I want to keep the fic I'm working on as canon compliant as possible. And Tommy's behaviour in the scene where they talk about Twilight and then Gerrard goes on his misogynist rant baffles me. (This is a "talking to a rubber duck" post and it'll be long, so I'll put the rest under the cut.)

(Also before you come at me, I'm aware they probably hadn't planned to make Tommy queer at that point in the show, but I'll go ahead and try to make sense of it anyway.)

Because okay, from what we heard in 7x05 Tommy is gay and was aware of it when he was at the 118. He isn't like Buck who at some point later figured out "oh, I like men too". But in that Hen begins scene he seems remarkably chill for a closeted gay guy.

He even brings attention to the fact that he doesn't like a woman (who's considered hot by other men) instead of just agreeing with Sal which would've been the easy route. Just say "hm, me too" instead of "I don't get that" and be done with it. Interesting tactic from someone who is still busy sight-seeing in Narnia.

Then comes the "Team Jacob" reference. At first I thought he was deflecting the accusation, he seemed pretty serious and a little caught off guard for a second there, but in the end he blows a kiss Sal's way and his laugh seems genuine. So I suppose he really just didn't get the "Team Jacob" comment.

Now I will just go ahead and assume they're talking about the first Twilight movie which came out in November 2008, so Tommy has been with the 118 for at least 4 or 5 years. My explanation is that I think he's grown used to these kinds of jokes being thrown around and maybe just perceives it as harmless banter between him and Sal at that point. Also Tommy's been successfully hiding in the closet for so long that he's maybe not scared of being found out at any moment anymore.

The other half of the scene is also interesting, but before I get to that - I am not glossing over the "New York bitchiness" comment. I think that too was just harmless banter in Tommy's eyes and that he and Chimney basically meant the same thing, but Chim used much better words ("east coast vibe"). The use of the term "bitchiness" (especially from a guy like Tommy to a woman like Hen with the given context) was uncalled for and Chim rightfully called Tommy out for it.

(A lot of the bigoted jokes made during the early "begins" episodes seem more thoughtlessly rude than actually mean-spirited. It's still wrong, it's just an observation.)

Back to the rest of the scene. During Gerrard's litany of sexism we don't see Tommy (which totally makes sense, this episdode isn't about him), Sal however doesn't really show any emotion at all. By the end of Gerrard's rant Sal seems almost resigned(?), nods at Tommy to follow him to the kitchen and I think they start a conversation in the background. It's hard to tell though.

I think that was the moment it clicked into place for Tommy and Sal (they're kind of a package deal in Hen begins) that Gerrard wasn't just being thoughtlessly, casually discriminating, that man was a raging bigot who continued his harassment of an employee even after she had already proved she could bring a lot to the table in this job.

I think that's when they started to talk about Gerrard's behaviour and soon after began writing complaints. Hen's speech, the limo crash and Gerrard being fired all seem to happen in very quick succession, so it must've been something else, something that happened a lot earlier that triggered the "numerous" and "colourful" complaints from "more than a few" colleagues.

So yeah, I think that Twilight scene was when Tommy got started on his road from silent complicity to speaking up and being himself.

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

We need to talk about weaponized incompetence

If you are unfamiliar with this, it’s basically where someone pretends to be bad at a simple task just so they can get out of it. Or they may do the task but ask a lot of questions and insist they need help doing it.  Men are usually accused of being this way in regards to household chores or when raising their children. 

Now I believe the concept is real. There are people like that in the world. But before you go around believing your man is exhibiting this, I want to offer a different perspective by asking these questions: 

Did he make a mistake? 

Does he just not know how to do X thing? 

You may insist that you know the difference between these things, but I have to ask that because oftentimes terms get thrown around even when they're not applicable. How many people get called a boomer for having reasonable criticism of society? How many people get called a karen? How many guys get called a simp for no reason? It’s not farfetched to say this also is likely getting thrown around incorrectly. 

Do you have a preferred way of doing things and is that preferred way the only way you want it to be done? 

Not too long ago, I brought up the towel example that was in a Dadvocate video.  You have your way of folding towels, your significant other (in this case, your man) has his own way of doing it. Neither are wrong, but you may feel irritated because he’s not doing it your way. You may feel like he’s doing it on purpose or if you mention it to someone else, they may point it out. It does happen and it needs to be considered

Are you micromanaging him? 

I found this article that lists 6 signs of a micromanager and I want to show you 3 of them. This is more so geared towards a micromanaging boss but I feel like it works well for this discussion as well. 

You are scared to make decisions on your own 

 They re-do your work 

 They use a “my way or the highway” approach.

Maybe he’s not necessarily scared of making decisions on his own (or he could be), but he doesn’t want to be treated or lectured like he’s an idiot. So he may ask you a ton of questions to keep you involved, he may seem like he’s acting clueless but in reality, he doesn’t want to be needlessly criticized. No one wants that.  They want to be treated like an equal partner. 

Maybe it’s dad’s turn to get the kids ready for school. Maybe you like to ensure that the kids are dressed before they eat breakfast and you like to have their lunches prepped the night before. But he doesn’t do it like that; he let’s them get dressed after they eat in case they spill something on them and he fixes their lunches that morning. You feel like the whole morning is off and you might make him feel like crap you feel like nothing is getting done. You may even take charge and make the kids go get dressed before they eat. And then if you get angry and start in on him, it’s going to show him that you don’t see him as an equal partner. 

But the internet isn’t necessarily going to point these things out. Tiktok is going to tell you that he’s doing this to spite you, that he’s doing his because he’s a manchild or he wants you to mother him. That article online is going to tell you he’s just trying to take advantage of you. 

Sometimes we have to look within. It’s easy to point fingers than it is to reflect on our own behavior

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/micromanager/

[keeperoftinyarmy]

I think the relationship that I always think of when discussions about taekook and jikook are going on is vmin. Vmin is very interesting because they're universally regarded - by armys, not shippers and solos - to be the ultimate friendship in BTS. But the same army who will say something about jikook being fanservice will not even consider the same thing about vmin, even though if you compare what we see both offscreen and onscreen, objectively it would appear jikook are closer than vmin by any measure. It's just something to keep in mind when you see the word fanservice thrown around by armys. Not saying vmin are fanservice by the way. I'm just saying it's weird that only gets applied to one relationship.

Actually I think vmin is also something to keep in mind as both a taekooker or a jikooker. As a taekooker, you consider jikook to be a company ship but the elephant in the room is that Tae has said a lot more romantic-coded things to Jimin than he ever has said to JK. As a jikooker, when you accuse Tae of feeding his ship, it's not a bad idea to wonder if you'd feel the same way if he was talking about Jimin instead.

I'm not saying everything is black or white. For instance I think taekook are closer nowadays compared to vmin. And I also personally think Tae plays up his relationship with JK sometimes either because he knows fans like it or because that's just his personality but I don't think it's done with any malicious intent at all.

Anyway vmin is still a good scale to ground yourself on because they have a background of saying so much sus stuff to each other and yet their relationship is considered platonic by everyone so they are perfect for thought experiments. Is what you feel something fair or is it you being a typical shipper? I feel this interaction (between jikook or taekook) is romantic but would I feel the same if this was vmin? I think this member is being fake - but would I think this if it was about vmin and not my 'rival' ship?

Interesting way to think about vmin in terms of the other two ships. Thanks for sharing this. ☺️

I sort of do something similar but with Jimin. Despite his reputation in the fandoms, I don’t find Jimin to be overly flirty or touchy with most people. There are differences depending on his audience and depending on the member. For me (obviously) the way he interacts with Jungkook has marked differences from the others.

I adore vmin…they were the first pair I noticed back when I first got into BTS. I noticed the change in their interactions in contents and actually googled “what happened to vmin?” I had no idea about kpop shipping, I just wondered if they maybe had a falling out. I’ve never gotten anything but platonic energy from them though…even when they were clingy or sweet.

[sableraven]

What are the issues of racism that are within the proship communities? Do you have any examples of things that are widespread talking points that are racist and why? /I am being genuine here sorry if it doesn't come across that way ;;

There aren’t any widespread talking points that are racists. It’s more like the tendency of proshippers to either invalidate or dismiss any concerns of racism within fandoms that fans of color has. It is sometimes dismissed as “anti rhetroic” or people being “pro-censorship” when all that fan is doing is trying to raise awareness of racial biases that fandoms tend to have or that is prominent in media. Half of it is gets viewed as being “too political” and its like your feelings are invalidated in favor for white fans who use fandoms to escape. Like I used media to escape too, but its hard to when I get not go on the internet and see fans being racists about characters of colors or treating fans of colors as outsiders. I just wish there was more acknowledgment and care about these topics rather it all being thrown as anti behavior when criticism of media always existed, especially when it comes to bigotry.

I guess a more specific example is the Star Wars fandom. Since Disney made the new trilogy, there’s always been controversy, but racism around it has gotten extremely worse. I got told by one proshipper that my interpretation of the anger around the new trilogy is because of old fans hating the new material and Disney is bad at handling it (which is mostly true with Disney), but I mentioned the whole debacle of Finn and him being a stormtropper and the same proshipper kept trying to act like the hate was anything, but racism. Then went on to say, “well I never witness any of that, but I have seen people hate it because stormtroppers were confirmed to look like something else.” Which is a weird take and purposefully ignores like every new controversy that appears in the Star Wars fandom related to racism.

Or discussing racial biases that exist in how fandoms treat characters of color in terms of shipping. Like it is proven that characters of colors are rarely the center of attention in fanart and fanfiction and white fans have a tendency to avoid shipping that character with another prominent white character. No one is saying people can’t ship that or that they HAVE to ship that character of color, but it gets treated as “anti rhetoric” when its just people venting frustration over racial biases in fandoms. I have seen proshippers being allowed to vent about being accused of racism by antis (which some of the allegations can be ridiculous by the antis and lies), but talking about racism that exist in fandoms and not directly targeting one person is seen as “politicizing” fandoms and you being a fandom police. Like no, its an observation and people of color are allowed to interact with the media however they want, just like white proshippers are allowed to do whatever they want.

Also to the anon, I’m not attacking you. I know you are being genuine, just explaining, so sorry if the language comes across as accusatory to you. I’m not, just a little fired up with this topic because it’s been something I’ve observed for a while and wish it was talked about more. Obviously, not ALL proshippers are like this, but there are some who are a little too far down on the “any criticism is procensorship” which is not fair when it comes to valid criticism.

Additional edit; there is an unfortunate rise of “anti woke” behavior in proship whenever elements of race is brought up and treating it with sensitivity. The amount of well-meaning white authors just asking questions if its okay to write a character of color a certain way and what’s appropriate or not, then proshippers get pissy and calling it “censorship” and telling said white author to write whatever they want and don’t listen to haters. If a person wants to educate themselves on how to write characters of color properly to avoid offending, LET THEM! It’s not censorship and its weird to equate wanting non stereotypical characters of color as censorship. It’s why the publishing industry has sensitivity training. Be okay with being told no sometimes if it’s not your space to do so. It reeks of white entitlement if you’re upset at receiving criticism and not being allowed to do whatever you want. You’re on the internet. The same way you tell antis if on them to not curate their space and should be prepared to see triggering shit online, you will also be criticized online especially if you post art

[outshinethestars]

Aid and Comfort (Star Wars)

Mava lies in bed awake the night she leaves her baby boy on the refuse dump.  It’s a warm night, and she left him wrapped in the soft blanket she made for him, even though it’s a waste of the yarn.  It’s a warm night, she thinks, he won’t be dead yet, out alone in the dark.  She wonders if that’s a cruelty, his suffering drawn out.  They always said that freezing to death doesn’t hurt.

Seven months.  For seven months she managed to keep him, kept his misshapen foot hidden.  She’s not sure why she did it.  It’s not like she could keep him safe forever, could keep his deformity secret once he was old enough to start learning to walk.  For seven months he’s been a drain on her, a waste of resources, and for what?  

Her sergeant accused her of dodging the draft, and maybe that’s part of  it.  She’s been fighting this war almost half her life.  Mandatory enlistment age was fourteen, back when she started, and it feels so distant, childhood a forgotten dream.  There aren’t any children now, not really.  Even before the ferals left, before they started stealing the littler ones, birth rates had been plummeting for generations.  The higher ups aren’t known for their long-term planning, but even they can see this isn’t sustainable.  The Melida need more kids, or there’ll simply be no more Melida.  So Mava got full leave towards the end of her pregnancy, and she got to stay home and look after her baby, the future of her people.  Only he wasn’t.  He was never going to grow up to be part of the next generation of soldiers her people so desperately needed, and she knew that from the start, but she kept him anyways.

As shameful as it is to admit, a break from the fighting was part of it.  She believes in the cause, she does, but she’s exhausted.  She’s been fighting for almost half her life, and she’s so, so tired of death.  So, that’s part of why she hid her child’s deformity, but it’s not the main reason, not even when he was first born, red and pinched and screaming.  Mava kept him because she wanted to.  Because he was her little one.  Because she loved him for no reason the moment she laid eyes on him.  And she can’t regret it, even now.  He lived for seven months.  Only seven months, and he’ll never grow older, never learn to talk, never learn to call her Bua, never learn to hold a blaster, he’d only barely learned to crawl.  But he’d learned to explore the world, putting everything within reach into his mouth, staring all around him with bright eyes.  He’d learned how to smile, and he’d learned how to laugh, he reached out for her when he needed her, when he wanted her, he’d trusted her.  He’d been happy for the most part, she thinks, for seven months he was happy.

“What’s his name?” A voice says, seemingly materialized out of the dark.

Mava turns.  There’s a blaster pointed at her face.  That’s the only thing she can focus on at first, pulled from the liminal space between sleep and waking.  She’s staring into the eye of a blaster, close enough to be called point blank range, too far for her to easily lunge and grapple it from the small hand holding it steady.

It takes a few seconds, heart pounding, terror still, for her eyes to turn from the blaster, follow the arm up to the rest of the figure.  It’s a girl.  A child.  She’s small and stick thin, a ragged dress hanging off of her awkwardly, collar bone and elbows jutting taught against her skin.  She holds the blaster in her right hand. In a sling across her chest she cradles a baby.  Mava’s baby.

”You’re stealing him,” Mava says, not sure if it’s a statement or a question.

The girl shrugs.  The blaster point wavers slightly with the motion, but not enough to move off target.  The baby sleeps on, oblivious.

”I don’t think it’s stealing if he was already thrown away,” the girl says, “Does he have a name?”

“He’s not useful, he can’t fight,” Mava tells the girl.  She’s not sure why it feels so necessary to explain.  It’s only that it feels wrong somehow, to think of her little boy getting another chance at living, only for it to be taken away again immediately in some dark hole somewhere where the ferals hide.

The girl gives her a look like she’s stupid.

”He’s a baby,” she says, “That’s not the point of him.”

“Your superiors won’t approve,” Mava says, because she remembers a time when she was small and the world was slightly kinder, and she tried to convince her parents to let her bring home animals of all sorts to keep as pets the way that galactics did.  She supposes it would make sense for deformed infants to be the feral version of that childish urge, “They won’t let you keep him, you can’t have the food to spare.”

“Cerasi sent me,” the girl said, ”Cause one of our scouts found out you were going to kill him. We don’t have lots of food ever, but we stole a whole crate of powdered blue milk last month, and water’s no problem now that General Ben knows how to make it safe.  He’s old enough, he’ll be alright with the blue milk and soft rations.  I can’t promise he’ll live, cause it’s real damp in the sewers and we’re all crammed in together, so sometimes sickness comes through bad, and there’s no nothing Medic and Oben can do about it.  But we’ll do our best by him, and it’s better than dying alone anyway.”

The girl seems to be trying to reassure her.  The absurdity catches up to Mava all at once.  The girl is in Mava’s home, with Mava’s baby strapped to her chest, pointing a blaster at her, and trying to reassure her that her baby will be looked after.  As if that’s something anyone would do, simply because they wanted to.  As if his life was worth something simply because he is alive.

”You’re really going to keep him,” Mava says, the possibility sinking into her, “He’ll live.”

”I mean, we’ll do our best,” the girl says again.

Mava is silent a while at that.  The girl lowers the blaster, either trusting Mava won’t hurt her, or her arm growing too tired to hold the position.  Likely both.

”So, about the name?” The girl says when the silence drags out, “I mean, I’m sorry to bother you.  Normally we just take them.  Only I saw you left the blanket, and it’s a nice blanket, you did a really good job.  And I thought that maybe you love him, because there’s no other reason to leave it, I didn’t think.  And I figured if you loved him, he should get to have something that’s yours to keep with him.  Apart from the blanket, I mean.”

Mava finds her throat has closed, tear thick, and she has to clear it to say, “Javon.  His name is Javon Merad.”

“Javeko,” the girl says softly to Mava’s son, holding him close.  She looks up at Mava, and seems less sharp edged somehow, for all her thinness.  “Thank you,” she says, as if it weren’t Mava who is thankful, as if a name was a worthy gift, rather than far too little a thing to provide a child she brought into the world.

The girl starts to go, walking backwards, still cautious, unwilling to turn her back.

“Wait,” Mava says.

The girl pauses in the doorway, tense with wariness as Mava gets up.  Mava isn’t sure what she could do to thank this girl, but she is certain that she must thank her somehow.  Mava has always understood what the ferals are.  They are wild things, more like starved animals than sentients.  They are creatures without honor, without loyalty, without memory.  They are undisciplined and they are murderers and they are vicious, but most of all they are thieves.  They steal munitions and supplies and anything that isn’t pinned down, and always, always, they steal children.  They steal infants from cradles and they steal toddlers from play fields, and they steal cadets on the verge of deployment. So it makes sense, in its way, that they would take even little Javeko from his trash heap, out of ideology or habit.  But for this girl to come to her to ask his name, for her to reassure her that her son will be well looked after, to risk herself and her mission simply for that, that is kindness without any other explanation.  It is a kindness towards a stranger who might kill her tomorrow, and Mava realizes suddenly that she has no idea whether the girl is Melida or Daan, but she must have been one or the other once.  This kindness is incomprehensible to her, as vast as it is childish, but Mava feels that she must, in some small way, try to repay it.

Mava feels the girl’s eyes on her back as she rummages in what passes in her house for a kitchen.  The girl’s awareness is sharp, and Mava’s instincts remind her insistently that the girl is armed, that she is dangerous for all she is so small.  Mava does not care.  She doesn’t have much in the way of food.  The army gave her a bonus to keep her quiet when they took Javeko, but she hadn’t seen the point of trying to haggle for food when she’ll be deploying tomorrow.  She doesn’t think the ferals would have much use for money.  Mava pulls out the basket she keeps under the sink to carry all the food she has left in her house; the quarter loaf of bread she’d saved as a treat for breakfast tomorrow, and about a third cup of flour she had left over from baking it, some salt, three of the large, sour berries that grow by the creek, and one precious can of fruit.  She stands then, and hesitates.  She opens another cupboard and takes out her new blaster. 

Mava’s sergeant had been apologetic, for all he’d been accusatory, when he took Javeko from her.  He had told her that her service was appreciated, that every soldier was necessary at the front, especially ones of her caliber.  He had taken her baby away and left her with a bonus and a new blaster.  The blaster is a real tracer.  It’s Correllian make, less than twenty years old and in near perfect condition, but not so fancy that charge packs would be hard to come by.  There’s something awfully symbolic in it, bold faced.  Sorry about your baby, take this blaster instead.

Handing the girl this blaster is treason.  More so than failing to report her, more so than allowing her to take little Javon.  Giving her the blaster is arming the enemy, Melida lives may well be taken by it, and that blood will be on Mava’s hands.  But Mava finds that she is tired of fighting.  She has, she thinks, been tired for a long time.  But when Javeko was born that tiredness at once found purpose, transmuting itself into love.  She looks at this girl, who is thin and wild, and free, and undeniably desperate, and she does not see viciousness, she does not see cruelty, she does not see inhumanity.  This girl, no doubt, has seen war, has helped to build those gruesome traps the ferals are so fond of, and Mava can see that she knows the blaster she holds intimately, has shot people before.  But in her eyes there is kindness and there is love and protectiveness, not indulged in incidentally, not taken when opportunity presents itself and other duties allow, but reserved as the sole purpose of her being.  This girl loves Mava’s child as Mava does.  More, perhaps, having never forgotten how to love.  And Mava finds that her belief in war, in the Melida, died a long time ago.  She would rather this beautiful blaster of hers be used to protect her son, than to kill the Daan.

Mava is careful to hold the blaster by its barrel, movements slow and clear, and even so, the girl nearly bolts when she adds it to the basket.

“Take this,” Mava says.

The girl eyes the basket warily, like it’s a trap.

“I don’t have anything to give you for it,” the girl says.

”I know,” Mava says,  “It’s a gift.  It’s not much, but it’s all I have to repay you.”

”I’m not doing this for you,” the girl says.

”I know.  But I’m still grateful,” Mava says.

The girl looks at her for a long moment, weighing her sincerity.  Mava is struck, suddenly, by how much taller she is than the child.  The girl looks from Mava’s face to the basket, and back again.  Her gaze falls on the food and the tracer with equal greed and desperation, and the wrongness of that hits Mava with a visceral sense of revulsion.  Not at the feral, not for being feral, but at the fact that someone so small and so young would want either food or weapons so desperately.

The girl comes to her conclusion, and reaches for the basket, but she hesitates again at the last second.

”You won’t get in trouble?” She asks, nodding toward the blaster.

”I have a spare,” Mava says, “No one’s likely to notice.”

The girl looks as though she doesn’t quite believe her, but she takes the basket regardless.

”Thank you,” the girl says again.  And then she and Javon disappear back into the night, small and silent as shadow.

[mariacallous]

During the month of October, many folks get into the spirit of Halloween by putting themselves in scary situations, like going to see a horror movie or visiting a haunted house. However, some travelers seek that feeling all year round by engaging in “dark tourism.”

Dark tourism is the act of going to places that are connected to the macabre, or historical sites where death and suffering took place. Places such as Chernobyl; Auschwitz; Salem, Massachusetts; and notorious crime scenes are some of the places connected to the darker narratives of history that travelers choose to visit. Aside from the historical interest, people visit these places to feel a connection with the victims and come to terms with the injustices they suffered.

Another part of the appeal is the physical charge one often gets from being in a state of unease. James Giordano, a neurobiology researcher at Georgetown University Medical Center, says getting frightened triggers a specific response in the human body.

“The idea of being somewhere that is evocative of fright or evocative of horror and the garish is exciting,” Giordano says. “Going to those places is like we are hanging out over the edge a little bit.” Think of when someone might look intently at a grisly auto accident on the side of the road, he says. Going to some of these spaces where tragedy has occurred may evoke similar feelings, but in different ways.

Fear, and the rush of adrenaline that comes with it, is present. So is a capacity to relate in some ways to the lessons of history that one can glean from visiting a site of historical terror. But another key element is also present: safety. People are expecting to be scared, but they also know they’ll be safe the whole time. As Giordano puts it, the allure of dark tourism is about getting “all of the rush but none of the reality.”

More Than Just Witchcraft

A museum in the tiny Swiss town of Ennenda commemorates the last person to be executed for practicing witchcraft in Europe. Visitors can learn about the historic site and even see the sword used to behead the impoverished accused woman, Anna Göldi, who was killed in 1782. Nicole Billeter, one of the curators of The Anna Göldi Museum, says the museum and its presentation are meant to educate visitors about incidents that happened hundreds of years ago in a way that counters the historical misinterpretations of witchcraft from the 19th century.

“There are so many false images around witchcraft which are starting from the 19th century,” Billeter says. “Everyone has this historical picture of [what people who are condemned for witchcraft did] which is really historically false. We want to correct it.”

Anna Göldi's history is discussed in school in Switzerland, Billeter says, and so local tourists come seeking a connection to history. “In Switzerland, we have all kinds of young people,” she says. “I was astonished that teenagers are coming.”

But tourists from around the world come to the museum too, all genders, all walks of life. Most are interested in dark tourism, but one recent visitor from Brazil came for a very specific reason: She wanted to see if Anna was one of her ancestors. “She came in because her last name was Göldi,” Billeter says.

The appeal of visiting places connected to witchcraft goes beyond just an interest in the occult. “I think it speaks to everyone not just because of the witchcraft, but because of this class difference,” Billeter says. “You can really relate to someone being thrown under the bus who can’t defend herself because she has no rights at all. I think everyone can really take something from it.”

Billeter also says that, even though Anna Göldi was executed centuries ago, her life and death are still important to discuss. “There are always people who are treated unfairly, and there is still capital punishment around the world.”

A Tour Filled With Tales

Los Angeles historians Kim Cooper and Richard Schave started giving dark history tours with their company Esotouric Tours in 2007 after their Los Angeles true crime travel blog, “The 1947 Project,” became popular.

“People are drawn to this because these types of stories are almost operatic in nature,” Cooper says. “They feel very connected to the people in these stories. They know who the good guys and the bad guys are. They know about the victims. They’ve read where they can. And, in some ways, they’re just hungry for something that is less sensational and more fact-based.”

The pair explain that their tours are curated with the specific intention to reveal “the past and current shortcomings of Los Angeles” and to expose the vast “quagmire of corruption” that defines crime in Los Angeles.

Like the Anna Göldi museum, Esotouric tends to primarily draw local tourists. Cooper and Schave have seen multiple generations of Angelenos come to share knowledge about the history of the city. These locals often add to the tapestry of understanding of the crimes documented on the tour and how the tales of the past can sometimes reveal issues that are still needing to be addressed in the present.

Some individuals come to these tours to help them process the grief that has been sitting with them for decades. Schave says an elderly man in his eighties who had come on one of Esotouric’s bus tours spoke to him about his experience as a young boy on the day Elizabeth Short—known historically as the Black Dahlia—was found murdered and mutilated in a highly publicized killing that was retold in a novel, a film, and in multiple episodes of American Horror Story.

“The man said, ‘I was a paperboy on January 15th, and no one had seen our friend who had the paper route on Norton Avenue. We hadn’t seen him in a couple of hours. Another kid said that there were police on Bobby’s route. We didn’t know what to do, so we all ran over there on our bikes … and we saw this bisected corpse.’” The man had told Schave that he was only 12 or 13 when that happened. It had taken him a long time to process being haunted by the image of Beth Short’s corpse.

In a city full of crime history lore, smaller stories can sometimes get lost among the bigger ones, and this typically happens at the expense of the victims and families affected by the crime. Cooper came to this realization when she was curating a tour and added a stop along the route to mark what she referred to at the time as a “throwaway case”—a crime, unlike so many in Los Angeles, with no sensational backstory or Hollywood connections. The case involved a man whose car got repossessed. The man got so angry, he drove to the Cadillac dealership and shot the auto dealer. “A guy at the back of the bus said, ‘That was my uncle who got shot.’” The moment changed Cooper. “It was early on, and it made me think. There are no throwaway stories. It’s a heavy thing that has kept me honest.”

Gaining Understanding

People choosing to engage in dark tourism come with their motivations: to learn, to share, to process, and to grieve. They come to feel like they are part of a larger human story. This is particularly the case with visitors to the Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum in Oświęcim, Poland, which stands on the former site of the World War II concentration camp, and which has become a dark tourism destination.

While it takes a strong will to visit these places, some people purposely bring themselves to these intense spaces in search of a deeper understanding of history.

“I deal with a lot of medical students who take a fellowship sojourn to Auschwitz because they learn about medical ethics and the bastardization of science,” Giordano says. These places bring about a “profound sense of deep homage and pathos,” he says, that provide individuals with emotional tools. In the case of the medical students, that can give them an understanding to help them move forward in their personal and professional journey with the lens of additional insight.

Being afraid and curious is natural; it gives us life. When we embark on trips to places connected to death, we are reminded of both the darkness and lightness of life. Perhaps the illumination we get by going to a space connected to mortality can serve as a light to teach us what’s necessary to conquer the darknesses that occur in our everyday journeys—before our stories someday cease to exist as well.