#because i love self-fulfilling prophecies like that
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Sorry for always talking to you it’s just fun LMFAO but also that post that’s like “he’s literally nice” was LITERALLY an interaction in Circumventing Death, which is too funny not to comment on
IT LITERALLY IS LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO seeing that post made me feel like the pointing wojack meme like HEY THEY SAID THAT. IN THE THE FIC I MADE
#ask#circumventing death#also do not apologize for interacting with me i love to be interacted with#bghfhgfh the “everyone get unemployed. i will provide for us” is also just some cvd!donnie shit#person who is normal and not deranged at all#also fun fact this line inspired a headcanon of mine where that if splinter had never taken the turtles#the prophecy about the end of yokaikind would have been about them#because i love self-fulfilling prophecies like that
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Reasons Nie Mingjue tries to kill Jin Guangyao:
JGY saved his life (while being unable to do the same for others)
He didn't think working as a spy to win the war would actually include having to do bad things (unlike the killings NMJ performs which are always 100% justified because NMJ is 100% moral and has the right to make that call)
JGY won't kill himself
JGY won't perform extrajudicial murder of his shidi, favored by his father (which would also get him killed)
JGY won't die
JGY talked back to him and won't just completely agree with his assessment (that JGY should just die)
It's the only way for them to have peace (says the guy who suffers from extensive murderous rages and came back as a corpse to continue killing people against the guy who oversaw the biggest public safety project and expansion we know of and kept the peace for over a decade)
JGY tells their mutual friend/sworn brother that he's concerned about NMJ suffering from said extensive murderous rages
JGY bought nice things for NHS
Reasons Jin Guangyao tries to kill Nie Mingjue
Doesn't want to be killed by Nie Mingjue who keeps trying to kill him
#nie critical#nmj critical#“nmj was right about jgy the whole time” no jgy just got tired of all the attempts on his life. self-fulfilling prophecy. nmj is dangerous#and suffering from some pretty clear violent delusional tendencies he refuses to actually treat that are actively killing him#like nmj is dying anyway by his own actions it's just jgy doesn't want nmj to take him down with him#i mean it'd be a fair assumption tbh that if nmj was in his “right mind” whatever that means#he wouldn't want that either#most people would probably want to avoid killing their loved ones in fits of rage actually#i mean he doesn't put down the saber but you get the impression that while he's in the throes of it he doesn't think it's that bad#he gets mad at jgy for suggesting it's that bad like ten seconds before he tries to kill huaisang and dies#nmj is a very unreliable narrator on his own mental state sorry#it actually is quite tragic what happens to nmj but jgy has nothing to do with it he's just trying to live and he doesn't want to kill nmj#and nmj could have saved himself but he won't. he refuses. that's on him.#and sidenote but i think that's part of the reason nhs pursues vengeance against jgy so vociferously#because if he can focus all that blame obsessively on jgy then he doesn't have to think about how it was really nmj's choice the whole time
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parasocial moment but every time someone makes a post about dnp related to them sort of raising us i just start crying because of the awareness i have that i view them so much more as dads than my own biological father who actually raised me and i just have so many complex emotions about it because its fucking sad that the man who was supposed to be there for me has totally failed me and fucked me up far more than anyone else ever has but at the same time so grateful for having people who were such positive influences (haha ironic) towards me that i could hold them at such a high status.
there is not a single moment where i am in my fathers home or vicinity where i feel completely safe and comfortable but when im in my own world watching silly gaming videos from the only 2 people who make me think its going to be ok i feel completely safe
#dan and phil#phan#getting emotional in the chat#everything theyve ever done has been like a step on a staircase#a staircase theyve been building for thousands of people across the world to climb#and i could never thank them enough for it#man im going to break down completely at m&g#and im going to be ok in life#and its all their fault!!! also also my moms love u mom#i remember being 11 and telling my dad i think i might be a trans boy and him berating me until i cried because its a “dangerous path”#yet hes the only one whos ever made it dangerous#self fulfilling prophecy isnt it?#and even now im non binary and i changed my name and he tells me he prays every day that ill give up on “this max nonsense” and go back to#being someone im not#hes not even religious.
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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drug recs for a first time drug doer? I've drunk alcohol obviously but never done anything harder.
Other than booze which I love, Rhino Horn is definitely my favorite. Helps me get shit done but is also fun. But it's not like that for everybody. Eddie basically only does it when he's in a mood and Mary doesn't fuck with it at all, she's more of a stoner than a tweaker. Weeds fun every once in a while. I don't really like opium because you just sit around and nod off. You feel really happy but you don't do much and I like to be doing shit. Can't have a coconut war on opium, and it's a bit of a waste of medical supplies anyway. I basically only do it if there's nothing else on the boat. Mushrooms are great for an afternoon, kinda like weed in that it's for a special occasion where you want to sit around and giggle at stupid shit. You know if you mix mushrooms with lemon juice it dissolves em a little bit and it doesn't last as long but it hits you way harder.
#drugs#that lemon thing is real its called lemon teching#ooc: anyway im about to drop the real shit on you anon#first of all dont do meth. especially if you have adhd. the high to side effects ratio is completely not worth it#coke can be fun but not worth the price tag. doing someone else's coke is great#now all drugs have personalities but uppers and downers are like regular people and hallucinogens are like mythical creatures#mushrooms are a satyr of some kind casting spells to seduce your brain#and lsd is a lovecraftian monstrosity (affectionate)#the big thing with hallucinogens is you have to not be afraid of them or the trip will go bad#self fulfilling prophecy type shit#ideally you should also go in pretty secure in your sense of self because they will fuck with you#that said its a life changing experience i love it so much#ghb is good but watch out if you go overboard you will fall asleep and the night will be a bust#also always test and Do Not Inject#you can back out if you smoke it snort it or eat it but injecting it youre done#I know youre not actually interested in drug recommendations and are just giving jack the chance to say insane shit#but i have opinions#misc asks
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Oh No! by MARINA is so T coded
#love that song smmmm omonomonmonmo#marina save me#Save me marina#Little Hope#Taylor Little Hope#Tanya Clarke#Tilly Johnson#Tabitha Milton#“Don't do love” - Tabitha cuz shes the only (known) T without a love interest#“Don't do friends” - Taylor because at the beginning none of them really “like” each other#“I'm only after success” - Is SO Tanya energy. IDK how to explain it but perhaps its her wanting to get away and like actually start a life#“I know exactly what I want and who I want to be” - once again Tanya.#“I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine” - Tabitha I suppose.🤔🤔#“I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” - TAYLOR.#“Where does Tilly come in?” uhhh uhhhh THE SONGS FAMOUS!!! (I didn't want to exclude her </3)#Scarfy yapping#New tag yall
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today i am choosing to remember sarahs reaction to having stopped watching right before the beauty contest game. truly a hilarious moment
#like girl if u wouldve kept watching for like 5 more minutes!! GWMDKABDKANDNC#how lovely it is that we both watched the show at different times and both came out of it liking the same characters#also when i said (in a joke way because i was kinda forgetting the finer details)#'if they are wearing white they are dying' and then it turning into a self fulfilling prophecy#like i think i said that bc i saw one (1) person who was wearing something white get injured. and then it just Snowballed. like come ON#HWMDJKAJDKAJDBKSSMF
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season eight of seinfeld is Not Good so far. 👎
#i feel like it's just a regular sitcom they barely have their stupid boring little everyday conversations anymore...#+ they got rid of the stand up segments which i never loved or found especially funny but it doesn't feel like the same show without them#and it's made the pacing a little worse too imo#i don't want it to be a self fulfilling prophecy because i KNEW one of the main showrunners left after s7#and i didn't want to just look for the negatives/differences knowing that. but it's really hard to ignore#.txt
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I don’t know how I’ve been meta-ing about the Odinson family for years and never picked up on this, but wow.
You know this fits with my very specific headcanon about their childhoods though.
I think from the time they were born, Odin was super paranoid about Thor- his offspring, his actual biological heir- turning out like Hela, and sort of just saw Loki as this extra kid he picked up at the seven eleven on the way home one day so he wasn’t too worried about him. And so he hyper focused on Thor when they were children- trying so hard to groom him into this honourable asgardian patriot instead of a murderous conquerer- and pretty much just ignored Loki altogether.
But then, when the two of them entered their teens, Thor was arrogant and enjoyed fighting too much, but was otherwise exactly what Odin wanted him to be. But at the same time, Odin suddenly realised how powerful Loki was growing up to be and how underhanded he was and how much rage he was hiding and mentally went “Oh fucking shit.. I worried about the wrong one.” And because Loki was already so old, he figured it was too late to try to shape him into something better, so instead he crucified Loki for every mistake he made, was constantly suspicious of him at every turn, made it clear that he didn’t trust him and thought he was going to turn out to be a villain… and for years Loki had to exist knowing his father saw him as an enemy. And he tried to prove him wrong, but Odin is a stubborn jackass so it never worked. And so the rest of the story goes..
I just love the concept of Odin’s own paranoia being the thing that lead to everyone’s downfall.
so is nobody gonna talk about how Mjolnir used to be Hela’s?!! i can’t believe i didn’t even notice this during the mural scene until my second viewing. like, she didn’t catch the hammer because she is more powerful than Thor (being Odin’s firstborn and all), she caught it because it was her hammer.
i need to go back and watch the first Thor film bc i think Odin said something along the lines of “the hammer is a tool to build and not just a weapon to destroy”, which is why he FLIPPED OUT when Thor went on that little destruction bender against the Frost Giants and HOLY MOLY Thor and Odin’s headbutting matches in the first film mean so much more now than just father and son disagreements about leading Asgard!!!
and then there’s Heimdall’s line during Thor’s vision in Age Of Ultron “You’re a destroyer, Odinson. See where your power leads.“ Destroyer = a family trait.
Meanwhile, we’re all over here worried about Loki doing evil things, but it was never about Loki.
Odin wasn’t concerned about Thor being too immature to lead, he was terrified Thor was headed down the same path of destruction and conquest as his first child, so he banished Thor to Midgard and placed a child-security-lock on the hammer to prevent a potential Hela 2.0 and i need to lay down now 0__0
Odin is still a shit parent for not coming clean about all of this. being straightforward and honest coulda saved a lot of hassle…fuckin odin >:C
#this was long and slightly incoherent but I have very specific thoughts on how their pre canon lives played out#and I think it makes perfect sense that when they were kids#Odin was so worried about Thor turning out bad that he father-bombed him and left loki in the cold#no pun intended 💀#but then once they started to grow up odin slowly realised that like#wait a minute#oh hell#I focused on the wrong one !!#the seven eleven baby’s over there plotting to overthrow me#which is something that happened in the Where Mischief Lies book lol#and then he overcorrects HARD#and ends up being hateful asf to Loki for no reason#other than his own fear of what’s to come#and it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy#because maybe if Odin had left Thor to his own devices instead of indoctrinating him with all the asgardian supremacy propaganda#he wouldn’t have wanted to start a war with another realm#and maybe if he’d actually shown loki love as a child and not persecuted him constantly as an adult#he wouldn’t have grown up to be full of rage and bitterness#I just…. have a lot of feelings about it#but yeah it was hela’s hammer#hela#Thor#loki#Thor ragnarok#Odin#odin’s a+ parenting
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nobody in my life knows that the last 3 days i have been consumed by a fictional couple from an abridged parody webseries
#taylor.txt#and is it because i see myself in l**** and feel like i am inherently unlovable so i push everyone away first before i get abandoned-#-therefore creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that i stupidly wish someone would see through and tell me i'm worth fighting for?#is it because i want someone to love me exactly as i am so i don't have to cut myself down to be palatable?#is it because i wish someone would see every single side of me and aspect of me - even the things i hate - and want me anyway?#(yes. it is)
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well 😐 i started crying because i deserve love. because i deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. because i deserve affection, kindness and patience. understanding. validation. because if i make mistakes -- it's okay. because i won't be punished. because it's okay for me to do something wrong and learn from it. because i am not too emotional, i am not annoying, i am not stupid or silly i am not a horrible person. i am a good person. i make mistakes!!! i say the wrong thing, i make bad decisions and it's okay...!
and i cried about it because that's not how i was raised. and that's how i should've been raised. and it upsets me to think about how i was not treated that way when i deserved it lol. so im getting 😭 about it.
sometimes it's just crazzzy to think about. i deserve all this goodness and i wasn't given it when i needed it and it set me far back and made it harder, so hard i have to work for it but i can still have it because i deserve it.
#text#valkyrie.txt#i spent like all of my childhood and my teenage years WANTINGGGG love#and kindness. all of it. and thinking i didnt deserve it. and being terrified of it. terrified of everyone!!!#and just now started crying because no really 😭 i deserve love and good things. im not perfect#but im not the horrible and unloveable person i was made out to be in childhood. and i dont want#to let those feelings become a self fulfilling prophecy anymore. its hard 😭
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#i get such massive crushes on ppl#and like it is possible to remind myself that they aint feel that way back and either kill off those feelings#or at least not engage with those feelings lessun im alone#and like it makes me feel alive an i aint really got another outlet for romantic love? at least rn#but it also makes me end up feeling inordinately sad when ive been by myself thinking about that#daydreaming about people and what our lives could be like together#but im not. dating material. romance material. worth it. what ppl are looking for.#take your pick. all it means is that i cant conceptualize an interaction with someone where they arent holding me at arms length#and its a self-fulfilling prophecy because i accept that thats what i deserve#im gonna be fine after ive cried myself to sleep and this is not out of an actual expectation that these people would feel any type of way#because theyre all ppl with their own lives and im just a bit part in it or some fun or smth. and im legitimately good w playing that role#im just glad to be in these ppls lives to the extents they want me to be#i think my sadness mostly comes from the knowledge that whatever place i hold in their lives is impermanent
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i want to be their friend but they make it so hard for me to do so.....
#self fulfilling prophecy#if you think im gonna be a horrible friend so you push me away before i get the chance to be anything#then you call me a horrible friend because i leave you alone when you push every bit of love i gave you away#then you have no one....#that isn't me#you did this to yourself#i tried to love you#but you pushed me to the curb#telling me that it wasn't enough for you#and then when i needed a hot second to put all my energy into something really really important to me and fall of the face of the world#im a horrible person#im a bad friend#and i tried and tried again to reach out and love you but you froze me out#then you blame it on me?!#this my fault#i didn't love you enough?#or did you just not like the love i gave because you already thought i wasn't good enough?#yeah you thought youd end up with no one#and now you're right#you pushed every single person that cared about you away and abused them and expected them to still love you#well done...#ooops sorry just a little rant....#a friend of mine is being awful#i dont know what to do#i tried i really tried but it wasn't good enough#thoughts#my thoughts#im rambling#rants n rambles
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‘….’
#i dont think im made for love because i fall into devotion too quick#it becomes worship i exalt before i fall or whatever and i set myself up for failure every time#self fulfilling prophecy and all that the usual#but i cant bare to actually imagine love in a reciprocal way#i feel like thats why i find myself ending up heartbroken by the best people#because they are the best and i have to ruin it bc i cant stand to let myself be happy#or more than that i cant imagine fathom believe whatever that someone could actually want me#and i get it im in the same boat buddy#and tbh idk if i even want someone to like me rn or if im just starved for attention#bc ik i cant offer anything real or substantion rn probably ever#thats the thing about devotion right i was born into some beliefs i cant shake#and nobody deserves to be second on someones list only beaten by the most contentious relationships i have#number 1 will always be whoever makes me cry the most ive come to realise#i spent a minute contemplating using the american vs british spelling of realize#this is the kind of neuroticism that straddles the line between quirky and unpleasent#unfortunately i dont have the pretty privilege to get away with being a great value manic pixie dream girl#which whatever i feel like im too anxious and self aware to be that carefree#but that doesnt mean i dont want the noise to fade to a gentle static#the last time it was quiet in my head it was when i could see a veritable sea of stars#next year i might spend the day in the woods or a field far out on the other side of texas#ill find the right time to see the right stars ill try to come back to see the ones i saw before#the universe collapsing in on itself thats what it feels like to be alive#but when i look up and i see the twinkling lights it settles the restless creature within me#stops it from clawing at the walls of my heart#it nestles in the thicket of my aortas and ventricles#it settles and finds temporary solace looking up at the stars with me#the stardust in my veins the one i share with every living creature a byproduct of being a child of the universe#it sings a song to us matching amplification but in antiphase to leave us in silence#well i wouldnt call it silence because thats the vaccuum of space#maybe its serenity maybe we find equilibrium in contextualization
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trolley problem
in which fem!reader has been gambling with her life and spencer reid is more than a little concerned
flangst, hurt/comfort warnings/tags: passive suicidal ideation from reader, she keeps risking her life, that really grinds Spencer’s gears, established relationship, existential dread, existential euphoria, lots of stuff about grief and death and self worth, not advocating for this, pretension from the author, blasphemy probably?, reader gets fuzzy from prescribed painkillers, arguing, hospital stuff, mention of sleep paralysis involving spiders, reader gets shot but she’s fineee, I pander to intro to philosophy takers, bau!reader, neurodivergent coded reader, if she’s not exactly like you I’m sorry, bean soup a/n: one day you’re in a writing slump literally the next you are in your notes app for six hours writing whatever the fuck this is but I think I love it even tho it’s weird and I hope u like it too!! btw this was gonna be called cotard's syndrome but then I never once talk abt cotard's but if u care that might be interesting context for the motif of not feeling human/alive, WC 3K
Spencer hasn’t spoken to you since the doctor left the room five minutes ago.
The air is antiseptic as you take it deep into the hollows of your lungs and trap it there for a moment, trying to optimize oxygen intake without actually having to breathe very often. Hospital smell is as universal as it is suffocating. It reeks of everything but death—flowers, blood, bleach, vomit. A humiliating, desperate scramble to defy the very thing that defines mortality. It’s pathetic. It reminds you of the worst instances of failure and loss and denial in your life. It curdles your blood. Literally rots you from the inside out.
You’ve had ample time to ponder that smell over the last few months because you keep ending up here, and some time ago you decided the institution of the hospital is inherently absurd. It’s stupid to think you could avoid the one absolute condition on your corporeal form: impermanence. It is the only thing that is promised, and people still waste their lives away running from it. It is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy.
So around the time you acknowledged that hospitals are simply monuments to the self-importance of man, you gave up on trying too hard to preserve yourself. You’ve seen death too much and too often. You’ve tried staving it off with prayer and the miracles of modern medicine, and it never matters in the end because it’s all magical thinking anyway. All the wallowing and the bargaining and pleading never got you anywhere.
You’ve accepted that from the moment you were born, you were marked for death.
But you’re not a complete nihilist. You’re not even totally resigned to the abject certainty of death—because you’ve found a loophole.
Everyone has as many chances at escaping death as other people are willing to offer them at the cost of their own lives. Not many people are willing to make that trade—someone else’s life for their own—but you’ve decided you are. Because if not you, then who?
It’s not that you don’t see the value in your own life, as Spencer keeps making it sound. It’s just the opposite. You understand that you’ve got an extremely valuable resource, and you don’t just have to sit on it. There are things you can do. Choices you can make. Ways to defy death.
Just… not yours.
Or maybe you’re just in deep denial.
Either way—this is a philosophy your boyfriend intentionally refuses to understand. He gets mad, or some kind of upset, every time you try to explain it. Usually he ends up leaving the room close to tears. You never feel good about it.
Right now he’s presumably trying to give you the silent treatment and not doing a very good job.
“Stop holding your breath. Why are you—stop that.”
Spencer’s frowning, skin sallow and milk-blue under fluorescent lighting. Purple seeps from around his eyes like spilled wine on a white table cloth. Your stomach turns.
“Sorry.”
He doesn’t tell you not to apologize. You don’t expect him to.
“Why are you doing that? Does something hurt?”
Other than your entire bicep being on fire due to the 9 millimeter Luger it recently came into contact with?
“Not really. I just don’t like the smell of hospitals.”
At that, he gets stony again. Like, Medusa stony. You feel a tightening in your chest that has nothing to do with a lack of air. His arms are crossed. A silk lined blazer drapes over your lap, and you wonder if he’s cold in just that white button up. It’s translucent in this light, like onion skin, or maybe something less organic—the folds and wrinkles look like fabric, but lots of things look like something they aren’t. In the Pietá, Jesus lounges dead on his mother’s lap, his cheek pressed to her arm like either of them have warm flesh, and her skirts drape from her knees and fall to the ground in delicate folds just like Spencer’s jacket and looking at pictures of it you swear you could find comfort there too—but if you wanted to make space for yourself next to Jesus you’d have to do it with a chisel and mallet. You’re starting to think that’s what it’s going to take with Spencer, as well.
“So stop walking into active gunfire. You’ll spend a lot less time here.”
Every deep sigh (of which there have been several) calcifies you further. Ironically, you never feel less alive than you do in a hospital.
“I didn’t walk into active g—”
“I’m not debating it with you. It’s not a discussion.”
“So you’re just going to be pissed at me for the rest of forever? I mean, if it’s not a discussion—what are you gonna do? Break up with me?”
You feel yourself dripping poison in the well. Even as you say it. As his head tilts toward you slowly and intently from his spot against the wall, and his warning gaze is cold and unforgiving and weighs 3.35 tons.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Talk?”
“Don’t try and manipulate me by implying that there are no options between permissiveness and dumping you!”
“I’m not manipulating you. And I don’t need your permission to do anything.”
The first part is an incredulous scoff as well as a blatant lie. You are manipulating him. Chisel and all. At least, you were trying to. It clearly doesn’t work very well. His jaw clenches.
“Is this worth it to you? Fighting with me like we’re children solely so you don’t have to take accountability?”
“Accountability for what? I made a choice. I don’t regret it. You’re upset because I did my job.”
A beat.
Silence always makes you feel the gravity of your words.
“Do you believe that?”
His voice softens so much, so quickly, it splinters down the middle.
You’ve never been known for your light touch. For someone who sees eviscerated bodies nearly every day, and prides herself on her evolved understanding of mortality, you often forget other people are not, in fact, impenetrable marble—they are flesh and blood and bone, and you’ve splattered yourself in the evidence of that.
“What?” You murmur. You easily turn timid, when you’re afraid you’ve been too heavy-handed. Spencer’s seen you sob over the birds who hit the windowpane and never reappeared from the shrubbery—their delicate wings, their little beaks—he didn’t mean to, Spencer, and now he’s dead! He’s seen you spend forty minutes catching a spider with a cup and an envelope rather than smush it, even though you have reoccurring episodes of sleep paralysis wherein a giant arachnid is sitting on your chest, hissing and clacking its pincers. He knows you are, at your core, kind and good.
It’s a little scary for someone to know that about you. It’s a little scary when you see your own vulnerability reflected in their eyes and the way they speak to you, the way you see it in him now.
“Do you believe that the choices you make regarding your safety don’t concern me at all?”
“They’re… my choices to make,” you whisper, but you’re less sure than you were a minute ago.
“I’m not talking about that—I’m talking about how it feels like you are trying to kill yourself every time we’re in the field.” His voice shakes. You swallow. “You have been hospitalized for four serious injuries sustained on the job in the past five months. Every time I bring it up, you—you talk about life like it’s optional for you. Like you’re not only willing to give it up but are actively looking to throw yourself in harm’s way every chance you get. You think that doesn’t terrify me?”
There’s a small chip in the paint on the wall next to him roughly the shape of Africa.
“It’s not like that. I’m… I’m just having an unlucky streak.”
He snaps.
“Luck isn’t going to get between you and a bullet. Ever.”
“It’s my job, Spencer.”
“No. It is a risk of the job. Not a defining feature or requirement. But you keep running toward gunfire like you have a quota to meet.”
“Spencer, I’m not doing it at you. I’m not trying to get myself hurt.”
“Well it doesn’t really feel like you’re trying to avoid it, either,” he shoots back immediately, and you feel the anguish radiating from him until it lodges in your own chest, like it was always yours. Maybe it was.
You want to make it better, but you don’t know how, and even if you did, he’s pushing off the wall and crossing the room toward the door.
“Where are you going?” You call, a little too desperately for your liking.
“You need to eat something.”
Which translates roughly to he’s pissed and upset and he needs to leave the room. You’ve done this song and dance before.
However, food and an absence of him are contenders for the absolute last two things you want right now.
“Spencer, please don’t—”
But the door is already whooshing closed.
You stare at the grey and white checkered floor. Light bounces off the waxen reflection—some sort of parallel universe you can’t reach, perhaps. The whole room is desaturated. A mechanical humming threatens to drive you insane. It doesn’t feel like a place for living humans. You’re not convinced you are one.
When he comes back, maybe ten minutes later, nothing’s moved at all. In fact you’re not even sure you’ve been breathing.
The door closes as quietly as it opens.
This time, wordlessly, Spencer comes to you. You see his shoes first—his serious adult shoes. You wish he was wearing his Converse.
Then you see the bottle of apple juice he’s cracking open for you. Blue lid. Same kind you always get.
“You didn’t bring food.”
“You wouldn’t have eaten it.”
Fair enough.
You take the bottle with your good arm and sip shallowly—all that adrenaline and the subsequent interpersonal strife has left you nauseous. The drink is too sweet. It clashes with the tang of metal in your mouth.
Still, you drink enough to satisfy him, and then you’re tossing his jacket aside before balancing the bottle between your thighs so you can screw the lid back on. He doesn’t go back to the couch or his spot on the wall.
Spencer doesn’t pull away when you lean into him, but it does take him a moment to reciprocate. You’re still grateful all the same when he cradles the back of your head to his stomach like you’re made of porcelain.
“I don’t think you understand how upset I am,” he says quietly.
Only Spencer Reid could be furious with you and still hold you like this.
“I’m sorry,” you murmur.
“That’s not good enough. You need to stop risking your life like that.”
He doesn’t get it. Your brows flutter as they try to furrow but even holding that expression saps you. Maybe the pain meds are finally kicking in.
“I just wanna help people.”
“That doesn’t explain to me or justify your urge to do it at the cost of your own life. We all want to help people, angel. The whole team. That’s why we do what we do. But we don’t run into shootouts. We don’t split off and provoke people with guns when we’re unarmed and unprepared.”
“But it worked. She got away.” You feel a spark of fulfillment at the memory of Gloria Sanchez in JJ’s arms just before the ambulance doors had slammed you into your first cage of the night.
“We don’t know if he was going to kill her. He might not’ve fired at all if you didn’t go running toward him. That wasn’t strategic, it was reckless and irresponsible and you know that. I know you do. So something else is going on.”
The pressure in your nose that usually precipitates tears comes as a surprise.
“I just—if that’s how I can save someone, why shouldn’t I, you know? Why do they have less of a right to live than I do just because they’ve been deprived of the choice? If I have a choice, and they don’t, I should choose to… to help them. That’s my job.”
For a long moment, you listen to your own breath, muffled by Spencer’s shirt, and the mechanical humming, and something dripping, and the low, buzzy chatter of nurses far down the hallway.
When Spencer next speaks you get the sense he’s holding a lot back. His voice is taut enough it wavers slightly. Taut enough that if he weren’t speaking so quietly he might be yelling. It’s like pinpricks all over your body—not enough to hurt, but enough to make sure you’re paying attention.
“You can’t help anyone if you’re dead. Do you understand me?”
And yes, in theory, you do. But that doesn’t negate your original point. It only takes one life or death moment for you to utilize the most valuable resource you have. What happens after is no longer your concern.
“On the psych evals you helped develop it asks if you think it’s appropriate to sacrifice the one to save the many. The answer is supposed to be no. If you say yes you get flagged. The FBI frowns upon… lever-pullers. And that’s exactly what I’m doing if I let one person die when I could’ve potentially saved them.”
“Protecting your own life is not pulling the lever. What you’re doing isn’t smart or morally righteous. You’re just throwing yourself across the tracks, too. If you were to fail a psych eval right now it would be because you’re passively suicidal. And you know what? The FBI also tends to frown upon self-immolative delusions of grandeur and girls who like to play sacrificial lamb.”
“’M not a… sacrificial lamb…”
“No,” Spencer agrees quietly, stroking your hair. “You’re not.”
And you can’t react to the fragility in his voice, or the content of his words, and the fact that when he says it he means something different—you can’t do anything about it. You can only catalogue it. You can only know that he loves you, and feel a little guilty about it.
Some time passes. You don’t know how long he remains standing so you can doze against him. He does not smell like the hospital. He’s the antidote for whatever grief they distill from widows and orphans before aerosolizing it through the whole place.
“Baby?” He asks eventually. You know the lilt of it. He’s been thinking.
“Hm?”
He hesitates.
“Can we talk about you maybe taking some time off of work?”
“You heard the boss,” you mumble. “I can’t come in for at least a week.”
“I mean beyond that.”
You intend to respond, but by the time you open your mouth you’ve lost the prompt in all the brain fog.
“You’re so comfy,” you murmur dreamily. “Thank you for being mad at me.”
If he responds, you miss it.
You’re imagining the bed waiting for you at home, once the doctor is done observing you—warm, neatly made. Blankets woven with soft fibers. A mattress that will sink under your weight. You think of Spencer, who’s shaping himself to you, Spencer, who intentionally inhales when you exhale at night to make room for the rise and fall of your chest against his. You think of the imprint of his buttons on your cheek. You are both flesh and blood and bone.
Strange, pill-induced half dreams and visions and memories take over. You’re in that alleyway again. That man fires. You don’t blink or scream or feel.
Just before the bullet makes contact you’re standing in front of the Pietá. It’s massive. Spencer is there, too, holding your hand.
You can’t actually see him, only, you know he’s there. You feel his warmth, his presence, when he leans over to whisper in your ear. The way you know him goes beyond sight.
The Pietá—meaning the pity, in English—is 6’7” and six feet wide. It weighs 6,700 pounds. Michelangelo had to quarry the block of marble himself. He was only 25 when he finished. The Basilica keeps it behind bulletproof glass.
Jesus and Mary behind bullet proof glass.
God. Who’d try to kill Jesus a third time? He’s already dead.
Besides—they’re both made of stone. Bullets would probably just ping right off of them. Or maybe they’d shatter just like you did.
Probably not though. You’re not actually made of marble. You’ve no idea what it feels like to be a statue and get shot at. You sure know how it feels as a human, though—and it feels like shit. You don’t really know why you keep doing it. None of your reasons are good enough for Spencer, and he’s, generally speaking, pretty smart about some things.
Maybe you’re tired of being human.
Maybe you’re tired of sleeping on your arm funny and waking up to a hand in your bed that doesn’t feel like yours and remembering all the hands you’ve held moments before they couldn’t hold yours back. Or tired of those moments where you are being held and it’s so unbelievably perfect and then someone has to let go, or when someone you love hugs you goodbye and you realize that there will always be a final I love you, or simply getting older and watching potential life paths fall away like rotten fruit to the ground. Maybe life is sometimes so good it hurts and you can’t bear it. So you tempt fate. You walk a tightrope because even if you fall and it can’t ever feel good again—at least it can’t hurt either. At least you won’t lose anymore.
And yet.
It does feel good, sometimes. Sort of often, actually. Even when it’s awful.
Dead Jesus and Mary, with their marble skin and their bulletproof glass and their holiness and their virginity and all the other things they have that you don’t. Nobody can hurt them anymore. Not ever.
Maybe that’s something you envy.
But you doubt they’ve ever been so terribly, wonderfully alive as you’ve been, or as comfortable as you are like this, leaning into Spencer’s warmth and his softness, in the hospital, or the Vatican, or your dreams. Your bicep was ruined but it’s healing. You are capable of ruin and rebirth in the same lifetime. In the same day, in the same hour.
You doubt that in 520 years, behind bulletproof glass and unyielding, eternally flawless skin, they’ve ever felt as invincible as you do now.
You doubt they ever could.
#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x you#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds fic#criminal minds fanfic
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THINGS I WISH I KNEW WHEN I WAS GETTING STARTED WITH THE LAW OF ASSUMPTION (AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN MANIFESTING FOR 5 YEARS)
1. the law of assumption is personal. considering how we have different sets of experiences, different environments, different upbringings, and even different languages, we have different assumptions.
because of this, we are affected by teachings and success stories differently. it's important to note this since a lot of manifestation coaches will teach you about the law in a way that worked for them (and the others they may have taught) but it's possible that their advice (even my own) may not be the best for you. even abdullah and neville goddard, two of the people who are known to start this discipline, may have ancient or varied belief systems and techniques. this is normal considering the world they lived in before is different from the world we live in now.
although, you should still read on abdullah and neville because they will teach you the basics and they will help you understand the foundations of the law.
as an example, you might manifest your dream career faster with simple affirmation techniques but a coach may have taught you to focus on visualization techniques.
even the idea that "dominant THOUGHTS manifest" or "what you BELIEVE in manifests" is entirely up to you.
note: notice how i said "may not be the best for you" instead of "may not work for you". any technique can, does, and will work.
how i learned this: when i was learning about the law, i mainly focused on neville's teachings because he was one of the most prominent figures in the practice. and though i liked his practical techniques (especially mental diet and inner conversations), there were some beliefs that i do not agree with e.g. divine timing, appointed hour, avoiding "does not" "is not" "will not".
when i was going through sammy ingrams' takes, she said that it's better to have concise affirmations/short list (non-verbatim) than a long list of 25+ affirmations. but going through affirmations without being specific about them doesn't personally resonate with me and that's just because i'm a detail-oriented person (also a writer).
what i can advise:
learn about different approaches
a. through scientific concepts. e.g. quantum physics, reticular activating system, cognitive reframing, cognitive behavioral therapy, the psychology of placebo effect, the psychology of affirmations, Baader-Meinhof phenomenon (a.k.a. the psychology of self-fulfilling prophecy)
b. through religious and/or spiritual concepts. e.g. passages from the Bible, passages from the Quran, deity work, spells and rituals
c. through self-development. e.g. identity-based habit
start the practice with an identity you like in the present or an identity that you resonate with (learning style, talents, interests, etc.)
examples:
-visual learner = vision boards
-loves writing = scripting
-words of affection love language = affirmations
take teachings with a grain of salt. do not limit yourself and do not allow other people to limit you. experiment with concepts, ideas, and techniques, and have fun with them.
2. techniques are only reminders. you are manifesting either by thinking, feeling, or acting out your desires. you are manifesting every second of the day either with your thoughts, emotions, or by embodying a state. you are only being intentional when you anchor techniques.
note: it is true that your dominant thoughts manifest. it is also true that what you believe in manifests, the same way that your inner knowing manifests. BUT these ideas are meant to empower you. they are meant to remind you that manifestation is as easy as thinking, feeling, acting, believing, understanding, deciding, etc. if an idea doesn't feel good to you, it doesn't have to be an ultimate truth you embrace and carry on with. this is the same with techniques.
what i can advise:
choose one technique and practice it for 7 to 21 days. it can be mental diet, affirmation tapes, sats, mind movies, etc. as long as you can persist with it. give it time. give it time. give it time. in other aspects of the world, you give change some time. when you're calcium deficient and you decide to drink calcium supplements, you realize that it's counterproductive to ask "why am i still calcium deficient?" as soon as you start your regimen because you know your body is changing with the supplement and you put your trust into it. after all, why would you choose a supplement you have no faith on? you just give it time.
note: you can still manifest changes to be instant. you can affirm "i am seeing results now", "results come immediately", "my manifestation is quick". the amount of time you're using a technique does not equate to the amount of time your results will come.
the reason why i encourage you to practice for maximum 21 days is so you can fully explore and master the technique you chose. with the abundance of topics and methods discussed in social media, switching and trying new things is tempting. now, there is nothing wrong with this. it's just that, you wouldn't be able to take a step back and reflect on what worked and what takes more effort when you change techniques every so often.
try a technique that is popularized in the media. a lot of the times, the reason why this technique gained traction is either because it's simple or because it has worked for a lot of people. now, here's the thing: if said technique wasn't for you, at least you can say "oh this is a tiktok/twitter/youtube/old/beginner technique, there are other techniques out there" and you can try another technique with less resistance. but, if it did work, then it did. congratulations.
you can invent your own. here are some techniques that i invented throughout the years.
a. "name is set and solid with the fact that..." - works amazing for sp, getting people to commit, getting people to pursue you
b. "okay! manifestation powers go brrr!" - funny but i do this when I'm spiraling; it also helps me surrender doubts and i think it's because it's so simple and unserious lmao
you can combine them. for example, you want to do sats but you cannot hold a vision for long, what you can do is montage photos or videos that is similar to the vision you want to manifest. you can also have affirmation tapes running in the background.
3. "concept" work can be such a banger. assumptions are basically the conception about the world, about yourself, about the people around you. hence, when you manifest and apply the law of assumption, you change or reinforce a conception.
these can be done through:
self-concept
what it is: your awareness about yourself; the way you perceive yourself.
how you can apply it: there are multiple ways to establish your self-concept but the best way, is to start reinforcing the universal truth: that you are inherently worthy. you deserve money and resources because you are worthy. you deserve love because you are worthy. you deserve ease because you are worthy.
other ways to grow your self-concept is celebrating the identities you have within yourself that you like e.g. that you are strong, you are disciplined, you are beautiful. be careful about strongly tying yourself into these identities though because these are not the reasons why you shall receive. again, you shall receive because you are inherently worthy.
why it works: by having a strong self-concept, you develop ease. you are less likely to rationalize or question the law or why you deserve the things you're asking for. and as you may think, rationalizing may be a form of resistance. questioning may be a form of resistance.
one of the ways i have seen this is when people receive incentives from work, instead of just receiving or saying "thank you", they say things like "what have i done to receive this?", sometimes completely rejecting this gift because of fear that they might lose something when they receive. this can be an example of a weak self-concept. consequently, the company starts questioning "did my employer really do enough to receive this?".
on the other hand, someone with a strong self-concept can take this incentive and buy the things they like because they know they deserve it. they can also take this incentive and say to themselves "oh it's because i worked hard these past few days". it's the knowing and confidence they have within themselves that everything around them has no other option but to recognize.
conception of other things (e.g. of love, of money, of a specific person)
you can work on your conception of other things the same way you work on your self-concept: choosing a narrative that is uplifting to you.
in case you have resistance to a specific object, you can also listen to people's success stories to start shifting to a more positive and desirable perception. one of the ways i do this is by going back to abdullah and neville's story. these two men lived at difficult times, through difficult eras, yet they manifested their desires. they managed to let go of the 3D.
4. practice some distance as you're starting. you were exposed to a different life before the law, it's only normal and human to have doubts or spiral once in a while. however, when you set distance on things that do not help you embody the state, you set distance on things that will feed your doubts and spiraling.
for example, if you're shifting to a state of wealth and you're affirming "i have 1,000 dollars". it's unhelpful and opposing to be constantly surrounded by someone else saying "you only have 10 dollars".
now, i do understand that not everyone can do this right away because of circumstances. but PLEASE do whatever you can to set this distance. find a voice to reinstate your truth.
a personal story, i am an asian girl living with a grandmother who was pessimistic about love because her two children (my mom and my aunt) struggled with it. because of this, she used to constantly remind me of how love is difficult. i didn't know this at the time, but this created a set of beliefs in my head. consequently, as a teenager, i only seeked and allowed love which was difficult because that was all i've ever known. that was all my assumption.
but around the pandemic, i went back to the countryside with my dad where i had a lot of time on my own. this was when i got deep into new-age spirituality and did shadow work. from here, i realized: this is not my assumption about love. before my parents broke up, my assumption was that love is easy. you only have to make the other person laugh. when i was busy in school and would spend most of the time at my friend's house, my assumption was that love is support and light. i started to get these epiphanies that a lot of my pessimistic perception was because of someone i was constantly surrounded with and that i have to build new assumptions.
but around august 2020, i have to go back to the city with my grandmom. i was afraid of the toll i might get into when i got back. however, because i already practiced distance and understood what are the assumptions that serve me, what are the assumptions that i want, i was more at peace. i listed down affirmations about myself, about love, about money, about being "deserving".
after this, every time she told me what love was, i can stop her and say no. i can tell her that it's not the universal truth, and certainly not mine. along the way, i started manifesting that she believes love is easy and supportive. i started manifesting that she believes i deserve love that is soft and tender.
then, when i got into my relationship, she was nothing but happy and supportive.
other ways i have practiced distance while manifesting:
unfollowing content creators who normalized hating men.
unfollowing content creators who were shady and negative about relationships.
unfriending highschool guy friends who do not make me feel safe about men.
unfriending relatives who make unnecessary comments about my looks, my studies, my relationship, and my earnings.
unfollowing girls who made me feel bad about also liking girls.
unfollowing manifestation gurus who romanticize struggles because "the more you struggle, the more you get blessed"
unfollowing manifestation gurus who say stuff like "if you want money, you have to take action to deserve it. not just manifesting"
now, you can totally manifest these people to change and be better, as long as it will make you feel good.
that's all i can share today (since this post is already getting long). i hope you learned a thing or two. thank you so much for reading. i love you and i appreciate you !
xo
#law of assumption#loassumption#loa tumblr#loa blog#neville goddard#living in the end#loass#loassblog#manifestation#manifesting#affirmations#visualization#self concept
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