#and kindness. all of it. and thinking i didnt deserve it. and being terrified of it. terrified of everyone!!!

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

well 😐 i started crying because i deserve love. because i deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. because i deserve affection, kindness and patience. understanding. validation. because if i make mistakes -- it's okay. because i won't be punished. because it's okay for me to do something wrong and learn from it. because i am not too emotional, i am not annoying, i am not stupid or silly i am not a horrible person. i am a good person. i make mistakes!!! i say the wrong thing, i make bad decisions and it's okay...!

and i cried about it because that's not how i was raised. and that's how i should've been raised. and it upsets me to think about how i was not treated that way when i deserved it lol. so im getting 😭 about it.

sometimes it's just crazzzy to think about. i deserve all this goodness and i wasn't given it when i needed it and it set me far back and made it harder, so hard i have to work for it but i can still have it because i deserve it.

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[cabaretbabe]

in retrospect, after rewatching and coming back to s4/5, it's very noticeable that the writers were setting up sawyer and juliet. like, maybe from her introduction??

as a kid, (thats how long ive been a fan lmfao) when lafleur premiered i found their pairing to be sudden and a little jarring. but really paying attention to their character arcs (and also just growing up), it's obvious it couldn't have been anything but them.

sawyer spent the first half of his story fighting personal growth at every turn because he believed he didnt deserved good things. and kate, as much as i adore my girl, didnt provide much of an alternative as she felt the same way. she ran from any affection and stability and as a result reinforced sawyer's belief that love was not something he was designed for. she played him like he played others and while it was definitely karmic, he took that as a further sign that pushing people away was the only way to protect himself from his feelings. and when he had the chance to reach out to kate and change things in s3 and s5 he hesistated, because he knew she was never his to begin with.

now bring in juliet, someone who spent her whole life catering to the needs of others while being deprived of her own. someone who has had her agency stripped away by the second man in her life that's exploited her kindness and brains for his own benefit. and she meets jack, and does all shes ever known. she plays the role that he (and ben) want her to even though she knows he loves kate and will always pick her over juliet, because thats who she is at heart. she gives to others what she can't have. in her mind, she also doesnt feel like its in the cards for her. her sister is the only true love she's ever known and that too was stolen from her. she's accepted that she'll keep giving, and never get it in return.

and youd think at first, these two people won't work together. cant work together. sawyer is an asshole who lashes out , who hurts people before they can hurt him, while juliet does the opposite. she's incredibly kind and strong and giving but suffering just as deeply.

and that's just it. juliet is to sawyer what he is to her: an equal. she sees him. really truly sees past his bullshit. she meets him and he's james immediately, because she doesn't buy the act. the cutting remarks, the sarcasm, that's his hurt on full display and it resonates deeply. she encourages him to express his emotions; to talk honestly about how kate has hurt him because jack hurt her too and she gets it. she sees the scared little kid in him and she nurtures that, pushing him to grow and genuinely take care of himself. she wants james, not sawyer, for the first time in his whole life.

and in return he chooses /her/, too. not for what she can provide for him, not as a savior or a doctor or an other, but as a human being who deserves safety and security, and flowers. he holds her trauma; embracing her strength and wit and how she challenges him every day. he loves that she banters with him back until he starts self-deprecating and she calls him on it, because she knows he can do better. he adores her candor. they hold each other accountable and ride for each other and build a life together that neither believed they'd ever get. and even in the end they're terrified of losing each other when the losties return, because they believed they were intrinsically not meant for happiness. that's why their relationship is fated and so beautiful.

because they will always, always have each others back.

[smittenmeraki]

I am currently laying in bed with a fever unable to sleep and Jerejean is haunting my brain...

I can play this lil scene in my head where Jean has been kinda off all day. Flinching away from everyone, hesitant to look anyone in the eyes, nearly shoved Jeremy to the ground because he accidentally snuck up beside him. After they get home Jean goes straight for his room, not bothering to turn on the light, he just hides away behind a mostly closed door. Jeremy notices the crack letting a little light in and takes it as an invitation. 'He cant really want to be alone if he didnt lock us out, maybe I can do something' so Jeremy creaks the door open and Jeans sitting on the floor, back against the bed with his head on his knees.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He doesnt respond "I cant help if I dont know the problem." He stirs a bit at this but doesnt move.

"This. You, the girls, I dont know how much i can handle" Jeremy barely hears him, he doesnt ever actaully open up, not fully. The panic sets in because Jeremy cannot mess up this opportunity, hes letting him help. But he doesnt understand what he means, so he walks over and sits across from him.

"What did we do wrong, so we can fix it. The last thing we want is to hurt you"

"Thats it, you haven't. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop, for someone to snap. I am Jean Moreau, I have never had...this. Kindness, the feeling of being..."

"Loved. Jean you are loved. By me, by Cat and Laila and Kevin. The pretty girl in the picture and I'm sure so many more. I know that must be terrifying given what you have endured, but that doesn't mean its bad. We will teach you how to be loved." Jeremy reaches out to him, gently making him look up. "You are going to be okay. Maybe not now, but one day" Jean looks up at him with tear filled eyes, so close to breaking. Unable to think of any other proof he could give him, he gives him a soft kiss on top of his head. Jeremy doesnt miss the jagged breath Jean takes and for a moment he thinks he messed up, but in the quietest voice hes ever heard from him, Jean asks "again?" So he does, he kisses his forehead, then his temple, his cheek, the other cheek, then he pulls his hands up and litters kisses over the scars on his knuckles.

"You are Jean Moreau" another kiss to his left hand "and you do not have to be scared." He leans forward and kisses his nose, "You are my Partner," the scar on his eyebrow, "you are Cat and Laila's roommate," The tears fall, "you are not a raven," he kisses those away, "and you are not what they did to you." Holding his face in his hands Jeremy makes him look him in the eye, "You are Jean Moreau and you deserve to be loved." To this, he lets it all out, breaking into a silent sob and he wraps himself around Jeremy, so he pulls him closer, puts a hand in his hair and whispers "I got you" over and over until he falls asleep.

I don't even know of this would be in character, I am not lying when I say I am delusionally sick, but I really hope we get another, more in depth moment of Jeremy conforming Jean (or vice versa 👀) 19 was a rough age for me and I didnt go through a quarter of the truama he did, he honestly needs so many more hugs.

[drdemonprince]

Watching some of the American Psycho stage show recordings and thinking about how devastating it's been, only being able to see myself reflected as an unempathic person in serial killers and abuser types in media.

I joke around a lot about identifying with Hannibal Lecter and being some intj mastermind rational asshole now that i'm far away from it, and that's all in good fun, but that way of thinking when I was a teen & 20 something came from a very real place of being unable to connect or care for anybody in the ways that everybody else seemed to be able to, and being horrified at times by my own ability to say things i didnt really mean and to obscure the entire reality of my life from everybody around me. i never killed anybody or set out to terrorize anyone, most of the crimes i've committed in my life have been victimless or directed at powerful institutions that i can convince myself deserve it, but truly it has disturbed me sometimes what i've been able to with cold blood and clarity.

it's a flavor of masking autism ive still not seen many others talk about. being autistic and alienated from the world is not all people pleasing and being a completely passive sweet to a fault nerdy type. sometimes it means thinking you're literally evil

and anyway, this song really touches me in a place i havent been touched in a long time. i used to feel a lot like this. like i wasn't a person, that i was unknowable, that to see inside me would terrify anyone, that everyone was a threat to me that needed to be contained. i know better now but it's nice to kind of revisit that darkness and to be able to soothe the younger me inside who really believed there was something fundamentally poisonous about him.

[cupcraft]

It is really interesting to me, and by interesting i mean so scary and baffling, to see how Dream's cultivated a fanbase.

To his fans, he is loyal to people that "dont care about him", he is "endlessly kind even though some people dont deserve it/arent receptive to it/are people who hate him", he is "helpless and doesnt know what he's doing", he is someone who "makes honest mistakes", is "mature in the way he handles controversy/situations". Dream has cultivated a persona of being loving, kind, loyal, mature and rational, but also equally helpless and in need of saving from a large fanbase. A lot of it stems from him being a white man, but it also stems from the way he's cultivated a fanbase within the power he has in parasocialism.

It is this that allows him to subvert controversy. Dream says or does something racist? It's "he already apologized so its okay", it's "he didnt know what he was saying", it's "ya'll are too sensitive", it's "all people do is want to victimize dream who is loving/kind/loyal/etc." Dream has grooming allegations against him and he admits to the messages being true and real and thus admits to flirting with minors and it's "dream is the victim". His twitlonger is on priv and it's considered "mature and rational". His initial horribly response is ignored because "of course dream would be upset :(! he just is so in need of our help and defense". And then there's the situations of doxxing that people bring up that dream has experienced things that are unjustifiable, but only as a matter of deflecting dream from ever being able to cause harm never as a point of empathy and importance in discussing that as an issue in itself.

It just really reminds me of many other cc's fanbases who continue to have a cc with issue after issue, cause harm after harm. It never matters. The consequences are ignored because those who allow the cc to get away with these things, dont think it affects them. And they dont care who it effects.

And that's the danger of it. To view someone in a position of power who can do real harm and has done real harm as infallible and incapable of anything harmful either due to viewing his heart as perfectly pure and kind or viewing him as helpless compared to everyone else, or to view anyone who critiques the cc as just blindly hating him stuck in an echo chamber of "he can do no wrong" is dangerous. it's dangerous for marginalized fans and fans who are victim to dream's harm or similar situations of harm because you are actively justifying and causing more harm in a cc's name who doesnt really gaf about you. To throw away all morals, ethics, beliefs, all for the sake of destroying people around you for one person. It's just i'm terrified for you too.

[obae-me]

Here's my personal thoughts on the last few lessons:

Spoilers ahead!

Mammon and Asmo losing theirselves to their demonic urges? WONDERFUL! I adored that for a number of reasons. Not only did it give us some possessiveness, some action, some drama, but it opened up the "subconscious scenes".

I personally do not think Mammon's dream was a perfect 1-to-1 scenario on what happened in the past. It's a dream! And Asmo's wonky fairytale confirmed that it's what their mind made up. Do I think something similar happened in the Celestial Realm? Probably, but I think the main focus was supposed to be on Mammon striving to accomplish his dreams and care for his brothers, sometimes at the expense of others. It also hurts because what does he fear most at the end of the day? Being a scummy person. Thinking that he's doing good things just for himself. Thinking that none of the love or kindness that he has is real. As someone who was raised in the church, always wondering if I was doing the right thing out of fear or in hopes of a reward rather than actually having morals, that stuff hit HARD. He deserves so much. Someone in the Celestial Realm gave this Boi too much anxiety.

Asmo's dream scene I think was beautiful! A little confusing on the whole teleporting through consciousness bit, but overall a really great look into Asmo's personality. (Asmo stans must be thriving right now.) I love that Asmo's power is strong enough to even influence Lucifer, even if it's just for a short while. I LOVE the fact that they tried to convince everyone he was doing it because he just wants fame and recognition, when they finally turn at the end and change all of that. What Asmo really wants is unconditional love. He thinks people only love him because he's beautiful, and so he's TERRIFIED of being ugly, because then he thinks people will leave him. He charms his brothers to make them stay (while of course giving into some more of his selfish urges, having them serve him). He's scared of good things coming to an end- so much so that he sobs and panics. He's scared of dying.

I love that Lucifer seems to be central to his brother's hopes and dreams so far. He RAISED those boys, he's crucial to them. And they're crucial to him, and I hope they dive deeper into that if/when Lucifer loses himself to his sin. I love that he's gotten humbled quite a few times these last few lessons.

I'm a bit iffy on the Barbatos and Solomon reveal. I do really enjoy the fact that Barbatos is being extremely petty, feeling that Solomon has slighted him by making him "eighth" and so he slights him in return. On the other hand, they did have an opportunity to make this a really deep thing, so it's a little anticlimactic, especially for having it been drawn out this long, but I'm not complaining *too* much.

I do love that we get a much bigger look into Solomon's personality. He's so lonely that he got drunk one night while MC was gone. He's pretty possessive and a little prone to anger, so much so that when Asmo even so much as insults MC, he's ready to use force. He's also a funny little man who gets real upset when he forgets to do his chores (which is hilarious because in the orignal OM, it was said that he didnt take care himself well at all, which means MC helped whip him into shape a bit) and wants nothing more than a home-cooked meal. I think he's been so far separated from normalcy, he's starting to heal from what he's been missing.

I love that they've really written the brothers like a *family*. A wonky mess of a family, but a family nonetheless.

Overall, Nightbringer has really been doing good. Of course it has its weaker moments, but I've really been enjoying it so far. (Now if we could have the writers give a little bit more of that tlc towards the events, I'd be super happy).

[ysines]

im gonna shoot myself if i see one more person say in complete confidence that the hightiers were never held accountable for what they did, that john was punished too severely in comparison, or that the high tiers didnt grow as characters.

johns actions are much more extreme than the high tiers', except maybe arlo. isen, blyke, remi, and most other high tiers were more focused on their own lives than terrorizing weaker people. most of the high tiers' (basically all of them sans arlo) problems were naivete, not realizing the flaws in their system. while johns actions did serve the purpose of showing the high tiers what its like to be weak so that they can realize what is wrong with the hierarchy, johns violence was more extreme than his bullies' and lowkey he was terrorizing EVERYONE, even the people who never did anything to him. johns actions are more extreme, so he gets more extreme repurcussions.

unordinary fans look me in the eye and say that john, who had been terrorizing everyone for at least a month Minimum, shouldnt have to deal w people bsing terrified of him. girl use ur brains. people are scared of john bc he has proved himself unreasonable and cruel, while none of them had problems w arlo (bc arlos actions towards most of them were 1. almost 3 years ago, and 2. considered normal by their society bc as the leader of the school he is also considered the disciplinarian whenever students act up, not considering teachers. his beating up people was different than johns beating up people) and none of the other hightiers had done really anything. cecile isnt innocent btw but none of them had problems w her either bc the few interactions weve seen her have with the common student (juni) seemed friendly..basically the people had little reason to fear the other high tiers outside of their power but john had taken his time making himself a person to fear. fr he was trying to terrify them?? why are we prtending that its unreasonable for them to be scared of him can we please be serious

also johns legal punishment in new bostin and suspension in wellston were both reasonable bc he was regularly hospitalizing people and completely out of control. i dont think u guys realize how strong john is. whenever someone who is seriously described as godlike in power ("god" tier as a term is not that much of an exaggeration by regular human standards) starts going around and beating the shit out of everyone important in a show of power something has to be done. john was EXTREMELY dangerous. also "the punishment wasnt equal" is literally kind of the plot. johns mental spiral at wellston was supposed to expose the unfairness in the system and show how bullies and vicious people should not be able to get away with the things they do to weaker people. we dont think john is that strong bc we're surrounded by the strong in the story, but he is IMMENSELY powerful and should not have been left unchecked. (note, im not saying he deserved readjustment. there should have been a punishment for his literal several counts of felony assault but readjustment was literally psychological torture and he was a month into being 16.)

the hightiers were criticised and held accountable, either by themselves or others. arlo knows full well that he played apart in johns mental spiral and apologised multiple times. remi knows full well that she was naive and should have realized the problem sooner, then takes active steps to solve it and creates a safe space for people of different ranks. blyke literally apologised for shooting at john and had a whole arc of realizing low tier conditions during the x rei outings and trying to be nicer to john and low tiers. idk if isen apologised properly but it is also clear that he knows better than to do what hes done now. the safe house was literally their way of trying to fix their mistakes and be better going forward. aka taking accountability and then working towards being better people??? hello???

also saw somebody say that they acted like the royals had the "moral high ground"... as if they didnt. hello who were the ones actually fixing the problems. who were the ones with real solutions. john was the last in the cast to take accountability and work to be better. john was the schools resident terrorist ??? hospitalizer ??? FELON ??? he has literal FELONY ASSAULT charges fam. and LOTS of them. half his graduating class is actually crazy. since he was rank 427 or something when his ability hadnt come in yet, we can say that there were probably at least 100 people in each grade, since hs is 4 grades. a graduating class is a grade. john beat up 50 people not counting zirian and whoever else in different grades might have attended, not assuming the half the grade thing was an exaggeration. we also arent counting the charges he added at wellston itself. seriously this guy is an absolute menace and the royals were actually better than him morally i dont know why thid is a controversial take in the unordinary fandom. do i have to spell out why "guy with criminal charges for severely injuring 50+ people, probably sending them to the hospital considering he put HIGH TIER remi and blyke in the hospital, who has been terrorizing the school for a while at this point" is worse than "trio of individuals who were raised ignorant to their society's flaws realize the problem and take active steps to fix it, even being so kind as to eventually forgive the guy that put two of them in the hospital like a month prior"

the joker arc is as much johns mental spiral as it is the high tiers' character developments. if u somehow didnt realize that the characters were changing for the better then now u know why fhe english teacher wants you to analyze why the curtain is blue. media literacy come back the kids miss you

[valend]

I'm in. Fucking awe. Are you serious? Like, actually serious? "Social experiment" do you hear yourself? What are you, Freud 2.0? Because you're doing a great job of being as up your own ass as he was. The level of insanity thar seeps through your writing is truly... terrifying. I pity you, really. Being a Hamilton bootlicker must be truly miserable if you go to such lengths on a goddamn tumblr post. Threats? You're your own biggest threat right now, spewing so much nonsense you might just blow up from the effort. "Animals in the zoo" SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON? RASCAL PLEASE SHOVE THIS SHIT BACK INTO YOUR BUTT IT IS POLLUTING THE FUCKING AIR. "Horrified for the future of this country" shut the fuck up??? I'm horrified that there are people like you out there you're the reason america has fucking guns legal it's so people can protect themselves if they ever see you PEAK OF HUMAN INTELLIGENCE my fucking ass you jeffersonian piece of shit you can go fuck this wobbly kidfucker in your own bedroom if you please. I do not wish to see him anywhere else. Believe me, you are not sane. I don't think you even know the meaning of that word. Oh, and of course, here we go with the thinly veiled threats suck my Cock or say it to my face worm. "Moving on" I'm going to move into your pussy little Bitch. Hamilton is a fuckface who cared only about himself and getting laid, don't start spraying me with that "unclear state of mind bullshit". That man knew what he was doing. If you justify him in any way it tells me everything about you I want to know. Questionable deed is you writing this post dead serious. Should be considered a crime, now that i think about it. Oh, and of course you're a sexist piece of shit. Not surprised. Elizabeth Hamilton didn't leave her husband because firstly, she was greater of a human you could ever dream to be, and secondly, because she fucking couldn't do anything else, because, surprise surprise: women didnt have much rights back then. But maybe you're a fan of that too.Yeah yeah, the old "haha no attention from parents" argument. Significance? None. For your information, your beloved Hamilton had no parents at all — and it didn't stop him from becoming an "accomplished man", in your own words. Tsk. Contradicting yourself again. Try better next time. You know, love, I feel like you deserve a medal, for all that mental gymnastics you're doing now. "Modern times" tell me about it. Your kind have been whining about this shit from about the start of life itself; it's nothing fucking new. I swear, if duels were legal we'd be already having one. If you wouldn't chicken out, of course. Also, I take back my last statement on Hamilton being a boytoy. He's not worthy of even that title. Useless old titsuck. Two cocks? Ha! You sure you're not confusing Hamilton with yourself? 'Cause I can definitely see you sucking those cocks in a dark alleyway all the while your wife wonders where her husband has gone. Pathetic. He'll, I'd even pay to be one of those cocks. You must have at least one redeeming quality — I bet it's a nice mouth which needs to be stuffed with finally shut you up. You're no better than a common whore, only that she is much more honest.

“You’re no better than a common whore, only that she is much more honest”

[thekingofwinterblog]

How Cole Became Human - Dragon Age

So in the Dragon Age Universe, amongst the countless, countless amounts of Abominations, demons, and spirits that end up on the physical side of the Veil, there are only two known cases where the beings that crossed turned, not into abominations, or a physical form of their fade self, but into actual people, with motivations, dreams, desires, fears, and all that comes with being a human being.

Cole, a spirit of compassion.

And Harren, a desire Demon.

Both of these are very, very interesting for a whole host of reasons, and the question of why these two turned out the way they are, are many.

The fact that this is not limited to either spirits or demons is interesting on it's own, but exactly what it was that made Harren so unique is hard to say when we dont know anything about his past other than the fact he presumably was pulled across the veil by the desires of his current lover Wade withouth needing a body to inhabit, and it all developed from there.

However, we can make some educated guesses from looking at Cole's past, and pinpoint the moment he turned from a spirit into a person.

Now anyone who has played inquisition knows Cole as a troubled, but well meaning cinnamon roll, who deserves the world. Knowing how he is now, it's easy to imagine his past as a serial killer murdering mages who wanted to die as a completely well meaning, but ultimately, terribly misguided soul

The truth however is much, much murkier than the image cole unitentionally presents in inquistion.

Cole during his days thinking he was a ghost in the White Spire and not knowing what he was, was a far, far darker creature than one might assume.

Now the actual, underlying motivation that Cole presents is true, his main reason for killing the mages was him believing that they really did want to die, and that he could help them by doing so... but that is not how Cole in the moment thought of it.

It's just how he in hindsight looks back at all of it, and has analyzed his own actions and the reasons behind them.

In the moment though, Cole didnt know anything. he didnt know why he was doing any of it, not truly. He felt that he was "Real" in those moment, that it was something he had to do in order to not cease existing basically.

He was terrified of ceasing to be, not knowing what he was, but killed the mages because he felt he had to do it, withouth really knowing why. When Cole speaks later of now knowing it was wrong, he isnt just talking about the fact that he stupidly missed that there were other, better ways to help people, but also just how misguided his complete lack of understanding and ability to affect his own impulses were, and the catastrophic results that lack of self control and knowledge led toi.

He was not withouth kindness and more noble trait, but Cole in Asunder, is a far, far more sinister, dark, cowardly and frankly disturbing individual.

even after his character development, the Cole at the end of Asunder, when he is confronted by Lord Seeker Lambert, and forced to confront what he is, seems a far, far cry from the Cole of inquisition, as the mocking of Lambert breaks him, breaks the belief that there was ever actually a cole, that he was anything but a stupid spirit that had convinced himself he was a person.

Which leads us to the moment that Cole actually becomes a person, in the time period between his banishment by Lambert, and the epilogue of Asunder, where he confronts, and kills the unarmored and unarmed Lambert.

The young man leaned close, his expression one of deadly intent.

"There was a Cole," he whispered.

"You forgot him in that cell, and I heard his cries when no one else would. I went to him, and held his hand in the darkness until it was over. When the templars found him, they erased everything to hide their shame . . . and I was helpless to act."

Sorrow, and perhaps even regret, crossed the young man's face, but only for a moment.

"I'm not helpless any longer." The words sent a chill through Lambert's heart.

"What do you want from me?"

The young man smiled coldly.

"I want you to look into my eyes."

Cole's actions here lines up perfectly with the later confrontation with the man who murdered the original Cole, a seething, burning rage, and making the choice to murder that son of a bitch with extreme prejudice.

And yet despite doing something that is completely, totally against everything that compassion is, Cole does not become a Demon.

at all. Despite all traditional knowledge about spirits becoming demons telling us that Cole should have become a demon here, he doesnt, despite his own fears.

And the original plans for his personal quest also adds to this, because there was going to be a choice to let him murder the piece of shit that left Cole in that cell... and he would not become a demon as a result, despite Varric and Solas fears during his quest.

Why?

Because it is his choice to do all of it. Spirits change when their original purpose is twisted by the direct actions and feelings of an outside force, usually a host, or a summoner... but there is no such here, either when Cole murdered Lambert, or in his personal quest.

Now you have the option of having Cole backtrack, become a spirit again by siding with Solas limited understanding of the situation, but im not here to talk about that route.

Im here to talk about the other route, where you reaffirm the path Cole Chose to go down when he killed Lambert for all his many, many sins.

He wanted Lambert to die, and he went through with it, all on his own choice. and by doing so he completely changed his very nature. We dont know how Cole learned about the details of the original cole, but it was the discovery of that path, and the resulting actions he took from that path, where he completely rejected the nature of what he embodied, that Cole became a true person, and changed his nature down to his bones.

That was the key.

With this in mind, it's not hard to see how Harren went down the same road.

Harren's entire dynamic with Wade, is that he is the businessman of the relationship, he is the one that has to reign in the genuis of his boyfriend in order to keep their business running, so Wade doesnt have to go back to "Living on Gruel".

In other words, he had to make a personal choice of his own free will, to act the complete opposite of a desire demon, just like Cole had to.

And the moment he did that, he became an actual person, with all the contradictions that involves... just like Cole did.

[cactusringed]

i WILL sleep soon but im having too many thoughts

the fact that etho decided that he was just going to be Very Nice To Bdubs.

bdubs? he must have been euphoric. he was finally given a spot in ethos heart in the way etho always has one in his. this was some sign that said hey, i matter to him too!

which only made it worse for him when etho did things for grian and cleo he would never do for him.

bdubs wondering if it meant anything at all to etho, or if it was some big joke. if he and his stupid big heart was some joke to etho. if etho understood that all itd take to get bdubs on his side was the slightest attention that way, dropping the act once he was satisfied with bdubs devotion.

to bdubs, it sure would be looking like he didn't ever matter to etho, only what he could do to keep etho alive did. nothing about his wellbeing or even happiness mattered to etho

bdubs told him he would not kill him, no matter what. even when etho told him he wouldn't blame him if we did. and etho couldn't even bother lying about failing a task for bdubs' sake

its not even that bdubs would care if etho attacked him for a task. if there was anything he could do for etho he'd do it in a heart beat, including losing a few hearts. but the fact that etho didn't even care enough to go 'yeah sure id fail a task for you' after bdubs proclaimed his loyalty

then, seeing how etho treats grian and cleo...

anger

i need bdubs to be furious

i need him to be angry on his own behalf. to recognise his self worth and realise he deserves better.

he would give everything to etho. what more does etho want from him? what more could he give to make etho care about him? how DARE etho build him a place in his home, pull bdubs in close, only to treat him like shit?

i need bdubs to be furious

and im going to be completely honest, i need to see him snap and kill etho. hes a man being pushed to the brink, and etho needs to learn that bdubs isnt some sidekick thats going to follow him around. that bdubs would give him the world if etho had bothered to give him even a shred of loyalty and care. and that etho FUCKED IT UP

IM SORRY WHEN YOU GOT ME INTO ETHDUBS I DIDNT EXPECT SUCH AN ANGSTY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP I

AAAAAAA

ok im falling asleep while writing this if i got anything wrong thats why. bed time. nighnigh

Brother when I tell you that the be nice to bdubs day episode makes me sick after what etho did. Oh my god. Oh my god.

The thing is about etho is that, he doesn't lie to bdubs. I don't think he does, anyway. All that kindness he offered bdubs - well, it was obviously a bit to embarrass him, but it was also all true. He doesn't like to lie to bdubs. He's haunted by the time he promised something (a life) and didn't deliver, to the point where when he did it again (promised to help bdubs with anything he needed, then laughed at his face when bdubs sought out his help) he felt SICK

Etho doesn't like to make promises, because he hates not to deliver on them. Bdubs loves to make promises he wholeheartedly intends to deliver on, or that he hopes the receiving party will know he'll try his heart off to deliver on. Bdubs values, so much, the very act of trying, the intent behind it. Etho values results. It's a dissonance neither can really see. So it leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings

Bdubs has promised so much to etho, so many times - etho must believe the words empty, no matter how earnest bdubs is. Meanwhile, because Etho is so careful about managing expectations, he comes off as... Aloof. As not returning even half of bdubs' earnest feelings. It's such a difference in their expression of love.

Etho felt bad, and thus he pushed himself to express love in a way bdubs would understand - through words of adoration. But then he immediately returned to his old ways. Immediately withdrew, as if scared. Because he is scared. In truth, he's terrified of the feelings he holds for bdubs, and how much it can hurt the both of them. But instead of seeing that, Bdubs can only see it as Etho playing a sick game with him. Bdubs, so starved for Etho's attention and love and devotion.

I doubt he would've promised cleo or grian he would protect them against the boogeys. He's told cleo before, that he's not a protector. He doesn't want to give the impression he is because he hates the idea of betraying that impression. But in the moment, he did become a protector. But it's that seed of doubt that it plants that hurts so much.

Because now, Bdubs will always see etho and remember that he refused to vow his protection to bdubs, whilst turning around and protecting his allies. He'll always see etho and remember that heartbreak.

He feels like he's been throwing so, so much love to a complete brick wall. Somethings gotta snap.

I want bdubs to either kill etho or try to hurt him - to genuinely go after him. But also if he does - if either of them do - I'll have a category 10 ethubs meltdown I s2g

This can only end in tragedy I swear I swear I swear I feel so SICK it's late and my head hurts so this probably makes no sense but. My god

[akaakeis]

sav the terriblest thing has happened......... i joined english coaching.............

okay its not that bad the guy was my ninth grade english teacher and hes kind of a w

i also found out my current english teacher is mentally ill and not one of her students got 90+ in english like..

#notmepls

ANYWAYS

this Means that i shall be offline when ur usually first online during the day on sundays tuesdays and thursdays throws up

ive alr been so busy and i was like omg #textingsav and then i realised we probably wont talk today and also the only time we'll talk is

wait omg no school tmr we WILL talk tmr which will be ur today

the way im just. rambling in ur inbox but its ok bc ur u and im me #neverdoingthisanywhereelse

next thing . wait i forgot im remembering

oKAY remembered 👍 ERM i got like a. 68 on my english test and apparently this mentally ill woman marked it wrong and i shouldve gotten an erm. wait calculating. at least an 88 LIKE GIRL WHAT THE FREAKKKKKKKKK

in other news erm why i cried in the last four days list .

i love my sister

i love my friends

english grade

teacher yelled at me

there was no garlic bread at home

i got disconnected from dti

i didnt want to get up and change

the electricity cut off five times and i couldnt play genshin properly

tumblr wasnt loading

86 eighty-six

hashtag periods i love periods

in other news i also love maths like i WAS a maths girl i AM a maths girlie i will always BE a maths girlie it is THE subject of all time and if anyone disagrees then they're wrong (unless it's u because what can i say. i always agree with cute girls🤷‍♀️)

also like i said id tell you about the smau but literally erm. i forgot.. what was supposed to happen.. i have two lines ill dm them to u or something 😭😭😭😭 WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN I FORGOT IT IM GOING TO SOB.

OH YES spilling school tea

our chem teacher used to tutor this one girl and he flirted with her mom at 1am on wahtsapp and facebook and then his wife divorced him😭😭

this one girl's picture got taken. like a norm picture. and then her bf and some people fought over it. like physically. at coaching. LOL INSANE

english physics and chemistry departments of our school are failing everyone is underpaid and leaving

my english teacher is senile but we mentioned that already i think

ANYWAYSSSS UNINTENTIONAL YAP ASK I LITERALLY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY IM MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE LMFAO. look where we are. oh omg im so #scared #excited #terrified for us w/o u part 2 thats flipping SCARY IM SCARED anyways how are u? feel free to yap in the answers if u do answer it and uhhh take care stay safe love u mwa mwa dm me whenever

LINA MY LOVE!! this is gonna be long i fear. oh dear.... ok so english coaching is not fun good luck with that 😕

well at least the guy is cool ‼️

im sorry but lowkey... #wbk about that one i fear!! I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE MENTALLY ILL? IS THAT JUST ME OR

anyway if u dont get 90+ in english send her my way I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GRADE SO HARD you deserve a good grade!!! i can tell you've been putting in the effort + im proud of u!!1!!1!1

NOOOOOO WE WONT BE ABLE TO TALK AS MUCH 🙁 lwt me think so today is thursday and youll be on on mondays wednesdays fridays + saturdays as normal presumably? THATS OKAY i usually wake up latw on thursdays because i sleep late and its a whole mess... i was nearly late this morning harhar ANYWAY POINT BEING WE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO WE'LL BE GOOD

girl me too <//3 was so locked in on tuesday you should've seen me writing my article for the magazine + writing out the rest of my speech and finalizing ITS SO BUSY RN ICB IT

these timezones are confusinf me hello i am so lost as i read this! 12 hrs apart w you ahead is all ik regarding this

ANYWAY WE WILL FIND TIME AND WE WILL MAKE IT WORK ITLL JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR ME TO FIGURE IT OUT

its okay i live laugh love for ur asks actually im sitting in my room smiling as i type out this reply to ur ask... inbox yap hour MY FAV

A 68 IS ACTUALLY INSANE GOODBYE how did she screw up the grade so bad 😭 she can catch these fists for that one LIKE HOW DO U GET IT 20% OFF THIS IS NOT A CLEARANCE SALE MISS!!

HELP all of these reasons are equally valid �� periods really get me fucked up fr i think im about to get mine too smh

that is SO valid lina math is honestly a good subject 🙂‍↕️ not my fav but i honestly enjoy the class cause it's 1) simple for me 2) my tablemates are so odd to the point of being hilarious and 3) my teacher is gay and we found his grindr profile so i always giggle when i think about that HAHDBDN so math class is just heaps of fun

NOOOO I WAS SO EXCITED TO HESR ABT THE SMAU U NEED TO SEND ME THE TWO LINES U HAVE SOON!!1!!1!1 STOP I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS BUT IT HAPPENS TO ME SO OFTEN ITS AWFUL

ok THE CHEM TEACHER??? wow okay so thats crazy! HIS WIFE DIVORCING HIM TOO PLEASE SO DESERVED everyone point and laugh!!! L man!!!!

HELP WHY WERE THEY EVEN FIGHTING IF IT WAS JUST A NORMAL PICTURE THATS SO WILD?? 😭 like guys its not that deep </3

WHAT. so like is this hyperbole or is literally everyone going to leave bc of being underpaid and whatnot CAUSE THATS SO BAD 

senility✊😞 what a trooper/j

ITS OKAY I ENJOYED READING ALL OF THAT!!!  PLEASE PRIORITIZE ALL YOUR STUDIES THEYRE THE MOST IMPORTANT <3 I HOPE YOU DONT BURN OUT FROM BEING MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE BC I KNOW I DEFINITELY DID WHEN I HAD VOLLEYBALL.. SO TAKE THINGS EASY AND DONT STRESS YOURSELF TOO MUCH PLEASE!!! ILY ILY ILY!! oh okay so us without me pt 2 is probably gonna be BAD BAD cause it will b talking about how he was actually in love w eden since BEFORE he had moved and all that so itll be extra angst talking about before he had moved 😸 basically timeskips briefly showing how he gives you less and less affection as the time he leaves draws near AHAHAH ITS GONNA BE BAD

+ im alright!!! no homework for once in a blue moon so im sitting here relaxing i feel so good rn <3 i have an iced matcha latte and a cake pop I AM LIVE LAUGH LOVING

so i dont have much to yap about at this moment but i just got back from school SOOOO ill yap about that!!

starting off strong i woke up an hour + 15 mins late and had 20 minutes to get ready and eat... i was almost late this morning BUT i have fitness first thing in the morning on my a-days (we work on an a/b schedule!!) and my teacher always comes late to that!! so i had time to dress down and i BOOKED IT to the weight room + made it!! in that class we basically just do weightlifting + my usual partner wasnt there bc she had a golf tournament... so i was with some of my other friends for lifting!! was kinda thriving bc my other partner usually does heavier weights + they did lighter ones SO I WAS REALLY REALLY FAST W MY SETS i was very proud!!

then i went into second period (i have bio) and we were doing a lab where we examined some cells in onions, tomatoes, + the inside of our cheeks (ew) but basically we had to group up and im not rly fond of one of the girls that r in my group cause she doesn't talk much she just squeezes in to look through the microscope so it annoys me 😞 ANYWAY THE LAB WAS LIGHT WORK GOT IT DONE IN 30 MINS and then i had like an hour of free time after that so i asked for a hall pass and i roamed the halls for a bit 😸 after that i have to go to advisory + i was just helping people w math hw and doing some of the nyt games to kill my boredom (oh and drivers ed stuff!!)

at lunch i was just sitting with some of my friends and playing imessage games with them 😭 then we went into the gym and played volleyball for a bit!!

after lunch i had geo and i was taking notes like a madman i fear... dk if ive said this before but like ohhh man everyone makes a point of telling me how small my hand writing is its so annoying 😭 i heard that three times during class today and i was literally done LIKE STOP LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE ‼️

theeeen i had my speech + debate CLASS not to be confused with my club!! i already finished my oratory so i just played games the entire period 😻 lots of fun would recommend!!! i just hate the teacher cause he's always telling me to go back to my seat WHEN IM HELPING HIS STUDENTS CATCH UP ON WORK like ok! sorry for trying to help you fix the mistakes you made when teaching them how to make their speeches! goodness! my bad! anyway hes my opp 😒

AND THATS MY DAY!! anyway take care stay safe i love you!!! MWAHH <3

[rosewoodconch]

RWCH Readathon Days 13-14?

Undercover Princess: Ch. 40-45

Mega liveblog

Ill be honest. I'm really ill: but i am on a bus for 2 hours. So: heres a really porrly written summary of like... the lead up to the ball

Ch. 40

"Promise you'll also be happy"

Well...

Shes happy sometimes?

I really like that again we see that question of jamies origin which doesnt seem so important until youve read everything else

Ill be honest, i usually skip the valentines day bits

Lola is an icon, shes right. Jamie not liking cupcakes is blasphemous

And ellie getting lottle the flowers her name was named for is really sweet and i miss this era of them when it was so easy to fix

Also that note is so incredibly stupid and yes its a threat but also imagine jamie in his room making up the rhyme

"They might take ellie away" GIRL YOUR JOB IS TO PROTECT HER NOT TO KEEP HER FOREVER. Go read the diary again cmon

Ch. 41

Exams! The ball! Finally we hear more about the ball. Its crazy that they get results that quickly

Lottie having nightmares about failing her exams is... oh this poor girl

Shoutout to angus the most scottish person here i love him

Binah is so funny. I absolutely hated people who reacted like that in school

I'm so proud of Lottie like genuinely because after all of the chaos, shes still done incredibly

I was that one sobbing ivy girl ngl. I litterally appealed my b in nat 5 physics because i was convined i deserved a A. I didnt

Ollies messages was so sweet. I missed him so much. He deserves so so so much better. I wish he was able to know things but hes so right to be concerned and hurt. Then "have a good life"

Heartbreaking

Ch. 42

DRESS SHOPPING i probably dont have many thoughts other than OMG DRESSES AND SHOES so sorry in advance

Lèon is an icon and i love him

"I never like to be predictable" YES LOTTIE HARNASS THE SASS

Hes so real with the day and night hes all of us

I really wish ellie got to wear a suit here, it wouldve contrasted so perfectly to the book 5 ball

THE SHOES OH MY GOD THE SHOES

Ellie telling jamie to "just leave" is such a horrible awful thing to have said knowing all we know on reread.

Ch. 43

Jamie lore

I like that we get this explanation before the ball. Because rereading we can see how much the "normal" route relates to ani and saskia and it makes us wonder about who else could be

Jamie is different

The fake story of Hirana, and all of the information about her being lied about not just to ellie, but to jamie too, is so so sad.

Ellie wants nothing but Jamie and her to have normal lives. For them to not be connected in this way. "Everyone should get to choose"

I really love that thats echoed in the ending of the series.

Ugh again with the trust. How often do we hear them go we need to trust each other then lottie hides more stuff again. Im tired lottie.

The Cinderella moment 😭😭😭😭

Ch. 44

Let it be known that in the audiobook connie says Queen Matilda

Her "Real Room" makes me so so happy and i cannot wait to eventually read about it again.

In fact does Lottie ever see it!??!?!?! Someone tell me

See this is what i mean about the trust thing.

Im sorry but if a girl i had a crush on pinned me against the wall, said to tell her a secret or shed bite me i think id pass out

"Youll be mad at me" well no shit sherlock

Jamie is an icon and i love him. Never change

Ch. 45

"I cant promise not to be mad, but I'll hear you out" is so eloquent and I'll always have that in my mind

Creepily similar? A resemblance perhaps?

Ellie lying to try and help lottie is sweet but scary. Because how often does she do this?

I really do think that underneath he is pained for lying to his queen. But not just because hes loyal to her, or that it is his job, but also the queen is nurturing and kind and i think he does internalise that

Lottie defending herself to jamie is so painful

I love the difference between jamie "acting pained" and then the following

For anyone who isn't using the audiobook, i want you to understand how terrifying it is when it switches pov here. Because the whole book has been connie, for the prologue was her mum.

But here, theres a male voice. Jamies va.

Jamie recognising all the palace staff is really sweet

The fact that he has such a routine, hes been trained to hide his emotions from everyone including himself.

And the simple sentence of "he broke down" honestly cuts deeper than if it had been fully elaborated. Its so simple. And thats why its so powerful. He cant even cry and feel comfort. He has to retreat away from everyone and everything

Next chapters are the ball and everything so I'll probably do another mega liveblog for those ones!

Its just easier when I'm ill to group them like this!

[safety-writes-noms]

I’m very curious about your ocs!! I really like the idea, and your ocs seem so cute 😭😭, but also angsty vore 😈, I would love to have a lore drop on the two, I’m slightly obsessed with the idea, I love me some platonic vore, like just noms bro, nom nom. But I would really like some more info on the bros, because RAHHH ADHD.

Ps (sorry if this sounds bad I’m half lucid and have been in a car for 7 hours lol)

OFC!! This took a while D: finals are coming up and my teachers are working me to the bone. I did an info dump on the bros a bit ago so I’m just going to add on. Prep for finals is murdering me tbh

—

cal drives him and his brother home and the car ride is just. really quiet. Oliver doesn't really know what to say and cal just looks like he's going to throw up the entire time. they stop at a gas station where cal wordlessly tosses olly a change of clothes from the trunk and gestures to the bathroom while still looking vaguely ill. they get home and Oliver brushes off his parents with an excuse because he doesn't want to explain anything at the moment.

he takes a long shower, then collapses into bed, thinking hard about what had happened. his injuries are healed -- something he didnt notice until he got home and he feels relatively fine despite spending hours in what he thought was acid. he begisn to form his own conclusions.

Meanwhile, cal sits down in the kitchen with Ethel and Kane and just spills. everything. his hands are trembling, he can't look up at them, and it takes him a while to get through it all. he expects them to grab a gun and level it at his head or something because he's a monster.

they don't. instead they look at him for a long while, go to their room to talk for a couple of hours before coming out. they thank him for saving olly and cal just wants to rip his skin off. he's a monster, why can't they see that? he doesn't deserve having people who are so kind and forgiving and understanding loving him, he's not worthy enough to be their son.

they're an old couple, and they've lived in this town long enough to know that there are some super natural elements to their environment. Oliver tries to talk to cal in the next few days but cal just stays silent most of the time, thinking.

then, in the middle of the night, he leaves. takes all of his important belongings, some clothes, and necessities and packs it all up in his car. no note or anything regarding his disappearance. he goes to his parent's room to say goodbye, then does the same for Oliver.

he's say goodbye before leaving for good, but Oliver wakes up first. they talk, it turns into an argument about cal running away, cal finally breaking down and telling Oliver that he's terrified that the whole "cannibalism" thing will happen again and while Oliver was fine the first time, it might not be the case for the potential next. he feels like he doesn't know himself or what he could do and the thought of hurting someone makes him feel sick to his stomach.

Oliver protests by saying that he was safe, his injuries were even healed up inside. callisto reluctantly tells Oliver that he will come back eventually but he still feels the need to leave to at least try to figure out what all of this means. Oliver forces him to promise and he agrees.

btw this is what Oliver saw when callisto was being all aggro:

The art is a little rushed but I managed to get it done so I’m happy with it 💪🤩

[ramonag-if]

english is not my first language the way i see it (at the very least the way i made my MC) its not that we think that Irus is gonna run away with Rana (which would be terrifying, because like that other anon pointed out, Rana is just a baby 😭 (if something like that were to happen my MC would suddenly be super protective of their sister)), but more along the lines of disliking Rana (nothing against your writing, everything against Salyra) because of the context depending on the MC, her very existence can be both triggering and offensive ,Rana (through no fault of her own) for my MC, is kind of a walking flashy billboard that says "I DONT LOVE YOU, YOU ARE WORTHELESS, YOU ARE FORGETABLE, YOU DESERVE NO CONSIDERATION, YOU DO NOT DESERVE RESPECT, YOU ARE TO BE USED AND DISCARDED, DID I MENTION THAT I DONT LOVE YOU?- Salyra🥰" if it was some random kid who was crushing on Irus my MC would find it adorable, if the situacion with Salyra was different my MC would find it absolutely precious that their younger sister has a crush on Irus…and would feel kind of guilty because what if them being with Irus breaks their baby sister's heart 😭 it is actually very funny (in a tragic way) because if someone had told my MC that in Ishari they would hate a child with passion just because they exist, they would not have belived it, there is no reason for it! there is no logic! but…this is not about logic, this is about emotions, its about the absolute heartbreak of a little child who was left by their mama (for their own safety) many years ago who since they finally got to reunite with their mama who they loved and adored more than anyone, has not stoped howling in despair and misery at what reality looks like personally at the very least with my MC, the sibling relationship is pure tragedy and its not fair to either sibling, my MC does not want to hurt Rana, they just wish she didnt exist, my MC does hope though for Salyra to take good care of her second child so that Rana whom my MC is bitterly jealous of, doesnt have to suffer the way they did. ….oh no, SORRY FOR ALL THE RAMBLING 🤣

Your English is perfectly fine, so don't worry about it 😊

Rana is a fun reminder of the childhood the MC could have had and I must admit, writing options for an envious MC of Rana does hit all the right, angsty notes for me 😅

I'm glad you can feel so much regarding Rana! The whole point was to drive in the differences that the MC goes through that Rana doesn't. Call me cruel, but I tend to enjoy exaggerating certain aspects of broken/complex family dynamics and it made sense to add in a new child AKA Rana to the mix 😂

Rana will have a better childhood and experience with Salyra than the MC did and you'll need to decide how to feel about that because it's an unfortunate reality for the MC.

[sparkedblaze]

ok so that being part of ur au

medda checking in on them when she can

following their accounts terrified to reach out again

she wants these boys to know that she is so so so very sorry for the way it happened

the heartbreak every time she sees the aftermath of a fight bc even though they arent hers anymore they still are

you never stop being meddas kid

👏🏼YOU👏🏼NEVER👏🏼STOP👏🏼BEING👏🏼MEDDA’S👏🏼KID👏🏼

@noxexistant I DIDNT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE 😭😭😭

Currently making myself cry with this

I will say, I’m gonna have to slightly edit my original expansion bc in my au Racer was adopted first (its a joke that he says he’s the oldest bc he was the first adopted, but he’s several years younger than Jack and Charlie (NOT CASEY 😤))

•

When Oscar first sees that she’s following them he almost just blocks her. Pretends that she doesn’t exist like he does most of the rest of the people from their past.

And then Morris burst into the room, chirping about Mama Medda (Oscar will never understand why he still calls her that) following them. He wants to say hi. Wants to meet up with her. He misses her cooking and her kind words.

Oscar doesn’t want to. She never did them any favors. She abandoned them. Put them back in a system that didn’t care about them. She didn’t care about them. She proved that already.

He puts it off as long as possible, but with the way Morris looks at his phone every time they get a notification from Medda (be it a like, or a comment, or a retweet), he can’t hold off forever.

Oscar DMs her on Twitter. Nothing but his phone number, but Medda is elated when she sees it. She’s instantly calling him with a flurry of questions. ‘How are you’s and ‘How is Morris’s.

And the first thing he tells her is that she don’t mean nothing to him. She’s heartbroken at the statement, wonders why he wanted to reconnect in the first place if that was true.

“But Mo wants to have lunch.”

And that explains everything. It isn’t Oscar reaching out to her. It’s Morris, who doesn’t know how to do it himself, but was always excited for suppertime because Medda would accommodate him any way she could. Morris, who would cry and hide with Oscar when she had to wash his favorite blanket, until it came back to him warm, and fresh out the dryer. Morris, who insisted on calling her Mama Medda when she asked him not to call her ‘Miss Medda’.

She agrees immediately, asking when and where. They plan to meet a week out, so Morris has enough time to prepare for the change in schedule.

As soon as she’s in the little restaurant, Medda can hear the excited kicks against the bottom of the booth. She can hear the little chirps coming from the corner.

She knows what she’ll see, even before the two are in sight. Morris, rocking, trying to contain his excitement (the way he always did in public because of some of the homes they’d been in before hers), and Oscar, stone faced and glaring.

She meets his glare with a smile, sitting across from them. Oscar sat on the outside of their side of the booth, back to the wall, eyes roaming their surroundings. Looking for threats. Always searching for danger.

Morris is the first to speak, rapidly firing questions and statements at her-anything that comes to mind, really. ‘We fight for a livin now’ she knows. ‘Jack gots a guy’ she knows that too. ‘Didja see our fight yestaday?’ She had. ‘Why we hadta leave?’ She didn’t know if she could explain it, even if he gave her long enough to answer.

Their lunch went on like that. Medda and Morris talking, Oscar ordering for both brothers before going back to leveling his glare at Medda, and Medda trying to follow Morris’s thought process as every track seemed to lead back to the question ‘why did we have to leave?’

She tries to explain it. Tells him that they and Jack posed a threat to each other. Oscar gets angrier at this. He slams his hand against the table (making Morris jump) and all but shouts about how they were there first. How they deserved to stay there. And the pity in her eyes as she looks at them only makes him angrier. She tells him that she knows they deserved to be there. But so did Jack. And at least Oscar and Morris had each other. Denton had tried to pull just Oscar, but she wasn’t going to separate the brothers. Not with the bond they shared. Not with everything they’d been through.

Jack had had no one.

And, she told them, it had been the hardest decision of her life.