#because i don't know how to NOT suppress
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#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo，ide yo !!#i cried a little about an hour ago#no specific reason. life is just too much and the negativity i suppress always catches up to me at some point#i'm by no means okay now#but pretty pictures give me just that tiny bit of serotonin#why do i suppress in the first place? well#because i don't know how to NOT suppress#i physically can't conceive of any other way to deal with shitty emotions#yeah i need therapy i know#if only i could afford it#... i miss playing genshin for the first time#everything felt so magical and exciting#as cheesy as that choice of words is#not that i don't enjoy it anymore#there was just something so special about playing it for the first time that's not there anymore after progressing through most of the game#back in the day it was just me chongyun bennett and noelle. and whichever of the starter characters i needed at any given time#and then i got xingqiu from hu tao's banner#and the team has been inseparable ever since#the fourth is honestly a flex slot#it used to be noelle. and then collei for a time. and then mika. and now i might go with sucrose for grouping once i get her leveled#although it will be kinda sad missing mika's speed buff that makes chong move almost as fast as a sword user combined with his own skill#which in theory translates to more dps#but nowadays i get kind of impatient with picking off small enemies one by one when farming ley lines and such#i just want the deed over and done with as fast as possible#and sucrose herding all of them together means i can hit them all at the same time. and therefore kill them all just as fast#the only problem is that i only have her c0 on main#and c0 sucrose is... it's painful#and i don't have sac frag either#so yeah... really wish she was in the starglitter shop#there's like three electro in the shop and zero anemo. like why
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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SCREMS my snautsticic child he is trying ok!!!!!! one tiny snake human hybrid built from the cave-ground-up, , attempting to learn all the implicit rules of humanness?! as if it isn't already tough enough out here!!!!
#ALL he has to work off of is the Great Serpent's memories? fuzzy clips of ppl he might have seen or interacted with??#depending on the kind of snake he was he could have a variety of defense mechanisms#he could have had to suppress his hissing instinct. or maybe he contorted his body in that adorably vertical corn snake way when he scared#big baby eyes trying to mimic the ppl around him but they are busy being judgemental#so many stupid little human things that villagers try to explain to him as “that's just the way it is” or “never really thought about why”#and yakumo just stares in disbelief bc how could u have never thought about the concept of goosebumps#you're telling me ur skin turns into plucked-bird-skin when you're cold or frightened and that is completely mundane?#you're telling me that when ppl try to hug you it is NOT because they want to strangle u to death and eat u????#how much strength am i supposed to put into a hug then. NOT bone crushimg??????#WHAT EMOTION IS THIS GESTURE SUPPOSED TO CONVEY#the tags tho#now imagining blade and yakumo shaking hands and discussing “why are humans such funky lil guys and why do they do the things they do”#several of the non-humans gather in a monthly meeting like:#on today's agenda: WTF is kissing. why are they smashing their food holes together.#one week they bring in a guest human (edmond?) and ask him all of humanity's big questions from non-human POV#and edmond's just like ??? i don't know???!?!??#and eberyone throws up their arms in frustration bc if humans don't make sense to the humans then what are we supposed 2do#nu carnival yakumo
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Just had a jumpscare in my notifications where I thought I had an Astarion thirst post on THIS blog and I was like, No no no, we are not letting my pixel husband breach containment, nope non nada nein.
#you don't understand#i live in perpetual obsession with Astarion but it's also suppressed because i live in constant anxiety about bothering people#that's how i live most things actually which is probably really bad but i don't know how to get out of it so here we are#anyway i say that to say#no astarion thirst posts on this blog for y'all#find those on your own time#mod post#not tes
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anyone else who's a part of at least one minority kinda feel awkward around people in different minorities? Like not because you're uncomfortable being around them or anything but because you're not sure what is specifically okay or not okay and you really don't want to mess it up because you know what it's like when someone else says or does some not okay shit or is that just me
#idk if this is just an autism thing with not understanding social stuff or not#also like this applies within minorities too like sometimes with people with different disabilities from mine#or if they have the same disabilities but way more severe and life impacting#idk I just don't want to fuck shit up and end up saying some bigoted bullshit#because it fucking sucks when people say bigoted bullshit to/about me and I wouldn't wish it on anyone#that or I just have some really fucking deeply repressed and suppressed bigotry and have no idea how to deal with it#who fucking knows?#maybe I should start therapy again idfk
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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the flash should have ended with barry quitting his job at ccpd to become a stay-at-home husband and that's on that
#the fun part is it genuinely could have ended like that. i have no idea. still haven't watched it#NOBODY TELL ME BTW#THAT IS NOT ME ASKING FOR SPOILERS. I'LL GET TO IT#but honestly it's the only thing that makes sense. i have genuine reasons for this#namely: how the fuck is iris. an incredible but ordinary non-speedster woman. meant to look after a baby speedster#ordinary babies are already making it their life's mission to die. eating shit they shouldn't. rolling over and suffocating.#idk i don't know about kids but i know babies are breakable and will roll off tables and god knows what else#now imagine you have a toddler and she can literally move at hundreds of miles per hour#how the fuck was iris meant to cope?#i still maintain that when they did the 'she put a power dampener in nora' plot it should have been like. not a control thing#but also yeah. literally a control thing because HOW THE FUCK ELSE WAS SHE MEANT TO LOOK AFTER HER BABY#if barry is gone and she's a single mother. assuming no other speedsters are around to help her. what the fuck else was she meant to do?#of course she had to suppress her powers because how can you stop your toddler running into traffic if she can run 1000 times faster than u#how do you keep her in her crib at night if she can phase through the bars?#in that sense. yeah it's fucked up. but you can understand it. you can empathize. what other options did she have?#so yeah stay-at-home dad barry is the only thing that makes sense for genuine safety reasons#he is quite literally the only one who can keep up with the kids#they dropped the ball on nora is all i'm saying. again. fic that lives in my head where original nora's death actually means something#and we get a new nora who is ACTUALLY a different person. as she would be considering her whole upbringing was different#and she has to somehow live up to the memory of a version of her that was erased from time#part of barry and iris can't accept that that specific version of their daughter is gone and it's not her#THE ANGST POTENTIALLLL#in my head she doesn't even go by nora because she's like. THAT'S NOT ME. SHE DIED. WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT WHO I AM AND LOVE ME FOR ME#she goes by dawn bc yeah im still kinda sad they didnt use that name#fictional characters give ur kid an original name instead of always naming them after dead ppl challenge#my fics#my meta
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At the root of my problems.
#sif personal#obviously just watched the movie so spoilers#after a failed ADHD test because the numbers were too crazy i was suggested treatment for anxiety#which i assumed wasn't the case. definitely depression and a few other medical things#I'm so good at making appointments and public speaking even if don't do it right so i obviously don't right#but the last couple weeks after the test I'm noticing when exactly my clenching gets worse instead of always there#and slowly putting a name to a feeling#and then THIS little shit in the movie#says literally everything i have thought forever#especially the reassurance that this is to help and protect me. the planning.#like i have a memory of me literally convincing my therapist it provides me comfort#even the core belief things is hecking anxiety#all attempts to help myself are like 'fear you need to slow your roll and follow this 20 step plan or you'll kill us all'#rather than consider anxiety#I'm feeling shitty? blame is on depression#I'm feeling good? it's because I'm doing so well everything is paying off! FOR NOW-#i know it can't all be broken down from this this movie but literally word for word damn#headcanon is that every suppressed anxiety attack is just another tightened muscle that never goes away#already my brain is like how can i stop having anxiety ever again otherwise i have failed?
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like is there a word for "romance is NOT for me oh my GOD it's such a bad idea for the way my brain is built, BUT HOWEVER not every part of my brain has gotten the memo about this and nature still thinks it's funny to kneecap me with a crush every now and then."
#trying to find resources or stories about like. how to COPE when this happens#how to honor the way i feel without suppressing it but also without feeling the need to turn it into a romantic pursuit#also i know labels as strict boxes are only worth thinking about as long as they are helpful#and “im aromantic” is easier to say than “i have a complicated relationship with romance and a lot of emotional baggage and”#well i never feel justified using the word trauma especially because a lot of it was my own doing but#yes a lot of trauma i guess!#anyway#i still have this fear that calling myself aromantic is just a cheat to get away with not wanting to put in the work it would take to build#a real functioning romantic relationship#like is it cowardly of me to say “i am not gonna push my relationships past a certain point with people”. like am i depriving myself of#something i will miss?#sometimes it feels that way#but also#some of my strongest friendships are with people i actively chose not to romance#and i love those people and i am so glad to be friends with them#whereas the people i was most romantically involved with are now invariably bitter strangers#i don't want that. i don't want that with any more people i love#BUT. I DO WISH TO HOLD HANDS!!!!!!!#MY GOD A BITCH IS TOUCH STARVED
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Uh ok this might be a dumbass question but be patient with a late-bloomer lesbian here (is 30 REALLY that late?) whose still untangling a lot of brain stuff but also needs a new wardrobe + haircut since I lost 10kg and haven't seen a hairdresser in 8 months -
Same gender attracted people - how do you determine the difference between wanting to BE like the person or said person is just hot? Like no really I am having a partial identity crisis here.
#kerytalk#lgbtq+#lesbian#this is likely because thats how my suppressed sexuality was always expressed so now I have to try and tease out which is what#like ... do I like the muscle girl or do I want to BE the muscle girl? I don't know 😭#I've probably got other issues with self determination too just cos od late dx'd autism and masking so long#I'm essentially having to figure out what my identity even IS#this is visually btw#i would not be opposed to having muscles but this is entirely down to whether we have struck gold on this med#need a full week to see 🤞
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hm.
#how do i tell my sister that while i appreciate the thought it is in fact not nicer if she takes the couch occasionally and lets me have my#room sometimes. first of all i HATE disruptions like this it's kind of even more distressing 2 be able 2 sleep in#my own room for one night and then i can't again!!! that sucks net zero!!! second of all She Has My Quilt.... trying very hard 2 be normal#and chill about this and not like it's one of the few things i really really really hate other people using & causes me distress etc.#also like i explicitly said 'hey haha don't do this please' & then she did anyway. which she does!!! i forgot about that!!!#also like man i dont fucking want to sleep on someone's used sheets & blankets that's gross. so im arguably less cosy than i would be. gggh#this all seems like.... very minor and stupid im sure however man im like constantly in a state of middling to severe distress over this#shit. because i in fact also hate people going through my shit or being in my room and also having no privacy however#im very good with suppressing and or masking how much i hate it usually!!!!! but dude she fucking hung her laundry & underclothes#to dry or air on top of my fucking books on my shelves. like. ghghhh hate it hate it cant SAY i hate it because of the everything!!!#ok. sorry. minor pressure cooker escape valve complaining over now im gonna go sleep awkwardly on top of the blankets on my own bed with#some throw blankets. leaving my door open for the beafts if she closes it in the morning bc she thinks she knows what i want ill scream.#txt#neg#this is like private kvetching btw ok i love her dearly it's just unbelievably frustrating.
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#contemplating the existence of loving yet uncommitted relationships. relationships of mutual convenience not romantic but still not platonic#tag talk#like. I want intimacy. I want to love and be loved. but the usual understanding of that is that you are committed. you are locked in.#taking a break from a relationship is code for “we're breaking up”. there's is no getting out without destroying the bond#I wonder if the classic Tom Cruise c love a woman but next movie she's dead“ trope could be seen as a version of that.#a socially acceptable way to love someone until you're done and then move on to the next thing.#a lot of my hookups have been a one time deal even though I would have liked to see them again. because they got too attached.#people see love and presume romance. people see openness and presume emotional connection and commitment.#if your friend is having a rough time and needs to disappear for a week. that's okay. but a partner suddenly can't.#there's less permissable distance in a romantic relationship.#why can't I do the classic spaghetti western thing? ride into town. help out and be appreciated for it. and then leave when I feel it's time#cue that magnificent seven quote that's like “cowboys are like the wind and farmers are like the land”. there are different ways to live#and social interaction is a numbers game. meeting people until you finally find someone you're compatible with.#and the more particular or non-standard you are. the more your success pool narrows. or at least that's how it feels#I know the reality is that there's more relationship diversity out there than it seems. because divergence is suppressed and hidden.#but that contributes to it being harder to find. more difficult to seek. more culturally shameful to pursue.#I don't think I've ever seen a fwb relationship in media that's not either played for laughs or turned into a romance eventually#the classic “men want fwbs and women want a committed relationship” ☠️ it's not a concept that gets taken seriously.#I just.. ugh. I feel like I'm pushing against the entire weight of my upbringing because what I innately desire is so far from acceptable#and I've unlearned so much self criticism and policing. but there's so much more to go and I just. ugh. it's so exhausting
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Slapped By A Dead Boob
You said you loved Me first, remember that
I wished you didn’t Because you picked a scab I forgot about Down There
The infection took hold And I loved you too And we moved away And we married And got a house And some cats And I worked for a lizard Of a human being And then I died Then was reborn On Pearl Harbor Day
Only this time I woke up alone Among the dead
I settled in, making Some good friends
Though some are Heavier than others
#poem#writerscreed#twc poetry#poets on tumblr#goatsmell#it's valentines day too#doesn't that make your biscuits itch#there's a cream for that#but sometimes its just best to let it burn a bit#i think i sound more bitter than I really am#i mean#i watched a sad French movie and had a big bowl of Pho#and the lovers kill each other because the French really don't know how else to relate to each other#sex and death#they're like kibbles and bits#peas and carrots#Forrest and jennay#And the English are no better at this love thing either#They just suppress everything into ass cancer#and die with more stiff in their upper lips than an ironing board#Don't get me started#on the Germans#They're like Klingons sometimes#it occurs to me that I may have said too much#and my weed and kombucha dessert is making me a bit testy after working a bit hard lately#i am a complicated beast#full of tiny man's rage#with itchy biscuits#that will soon get all the cream they're asking for#happy valentine's day
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It's such a shit headline... just because I have a muted external response and struggle to articulate my emotions doesn't mean I don't feel complex emotions. Conflating the two isn't helpful, especially because I'd chalk up those two facts to me being traumatized, and many other autistic have noted psychiatrists recognize us via trauma (and sometimes dont know what to do with autistic children whose families went out of their way not to traumatize them) but we are not really acknowledged as traumatized
#I don't know how to articulate my emotions and i suppress them because I was PUNISHED for expressing them#I don't really know how to cry anymore. I used to. That's not autism. It's trauma.
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This is Andrey X, a Jewish Israeli pro-Palestine activist.
I don't know how to describe this video so I'll just write out what he's saying:
That is the beginning of an Israeli settlement. And this is the Palestinian village of Umm al-Hiran. Which is right now under a demolition order, in order to expand the settlement that way.
And we are not in the West Bank. We are in the Naqab desert. Every single Palestinian in that village has an Israeli passport. And yet they're being expelled to make way for a Jewish settlement.
And look at the hills around us. This place is empty. If Israel wants to build a settlement, they can do it anywhere. And yet they choose to do it here. Because the only purpose of that settlement is to expel Palestinians from their land.
This is happening all over the Naqab desert. Currently 14 Palestinian Bedouin communities are under demolition orders. And thousands of people are set to become homeless.
This is the most blatant illustration that Israel is an ethno-nationalist apartheid state. The Palestinians of Umm al-Hiran have the exact same citizenship as the settlers who are about to move into their land. And yet the Palestinians are being ethnically cleansed just because they belong to an ethno-cultural group that the Israeli state wants to suppress as much as possible.
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a very select portion of personalities trigger my latent tsundere traits.
In reverse of the usual order, this feels all the worse if they are fictional.
#maybe because I am accustomed to acting against impulse with real people#so perhaps I channel away from my worst urges very rapidly with people- fast enough maybe that I rarely need to confront the impulse at all#but with fiction or any kind your reaction to them falls under your own scrutiny more maybe#hmmm you know what else I kind of wonder about too though is that maybe I get this feeling towards men I like more often than women.#I am attracted to more real women than fictional ones and way more fictional men than real ones#and I don't only have the TSundere Response for people I am attracted to— I was kind of tsundere with my cat but she was worse#but I feel like out of the personalities that bring this out in me there is some trend towards male.#women I typically have this overwhelming sense of 'ANYONE would feel this way; looking at her. listening to her'#whereas if i like a guy it's usu. like 'damn I hope I'm not the only one'#so the numbers may be being impacted by multiple sources#there was a very beautiful young woman in my highschool English class that I completely avoided for this reason#you know what's funny I have a horrible softspot bitchy women I pretend not to have#i know too much and won't get involved on any level with a mean person ... but man do I feel so permissive with a beautiful bitch 😂😂#I feel so indulgent to my soul anout things women do sometimes that I would NEVER put up with from a man for a second#and I always suppress this tendency but it is so pervasive#so anyway I'm not tsundere towards women mostly I think it's cute when they are#but boy oh boy am I not in to tsundere behavior in a dude.#this is what 'if you think I'm holding a woman with big brown eyes accountable for Anything you've got another thing coming' means to me#these are only trends not absolutes. I would never hold Tantai Jin accountable for anything so 😂 it's not entirely a gendered thing for me#But the person I think of most is Regina in Once Upon A Time#I was enamored from the moment she walked in as the rigid; bitchy; single-mom 'madam mayor'#oh man but she made me feel crazy. unhinged#and so so willing to let her do anything#i didn't want her to do evil I wanted her redeemed. but I just Loved it when she was a bitch#😍����#regarding the tsundere thing; there is a range possible of how much someone brings this to the surface for me#sometimes it's just a little. I still resent it at nearly full price.
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