#and I always suppress this tendency but it is so pervasive

[narcissusneverknewme]

a very select portion of personalities trigger my latent tsundere traits.

In reverse of the usual order, this feels all the worse if they are fictional.

[slayercain]

Throughout much work in Black performance theory, the relational power of affect is invoked to point toward how performance—variously construed both as staged presentations and, more abstractly, as “doing things in the world”—creates “new worlds,” resisting and refusing modernity’s mandate of Black captivity. While this move is certainly understandable—after all, why should the entitlements of unfettered Being-in-the-World be the sole domain of whiteness and its aspirant “junior partners”?—in application it functions to downplay, at best, or to ignore outright the violence that saturates Blackness in the first instance, in favor of a relentless positivity. Therefore it is imperative to interrogate closely this tendency to invoke affect as central to an ongoing project of making new worlds—worlds that purport to “refuse” anti-Black violence for the allure of “otherwise possibilities.” Specifically, I am interested here in what subtends the tendency toward embracing feeling and sensation as modes of transcendence: what (perhaps unconscious) wish guides the gesture? The task one faces in answering these questions is to begin to name the desires and disavowals necessary for these critical moves, to pinpoint what is turned away from in the turn to affect, feeling, and sensation as pathways to the (always nebulously defined) otherwise. To put it more crudely, we must think the turn to “the otherwise” otherwise. We must trouble the notion that the field of sensation is open and equally available to all, and somehow outside the dictating terms of ontometaphysics, as well as the pervasive idea that sensation in itself is somehow an antidote to violence rather than a means of its diffusion. The “otherwise,” as it operates within contemporary Black critical thought, is often a further retrenchment of the obliterative logics of anti-Black modernity, a more palatable, perhaps even pleasurable, yet no less shattering form of terror. It is precisely this point that insistent turns to pleasure within Black critical theory seem to ignore, or at the very least suppress, in favor of an affirmative rendering of pleasure as an antidote to violence, an end in itself, or a surplus to violence rather than an extension of it. [Ashon] Crawley names “the otherwise” as “the always possible plentitude of alternative . . . modes of being [and] ways of life.” In other words, “otherwise” is the figuration of possibility as panacea, as remedy to the problem Blackness poses for Being. But what are the stakes and implications of a conception of Blackness as purely sensational—and a celebratory register of sensation at that? What must be foreclosed to come to a conception of Blackness as celebration? Mightn’t what Crawley and the many others who reproduce this logic of celebratory transcendence are so eager to escape be that which Blackness brings to bear on the World that so persistently seeks its obliteration? In other words, what if what is being refused, in and through the embrace of affect as relationality, is Blackness itself? If desire is what mobilizes every theoretical and philosophical gesture—if the very act of philosophizing is itself a product of the machinations of desire—then the desire inherent in critical moves toward embracing affect as a mode of relation within Black studies is a (paradoxical) desire for anti-Blackness that masquerades as its refusal.

Tyrone S. Palmer, Otherwise than Blackness: Feeling, World, Sublimation

[darkobssessions]

Dear world,

"What will it take for you to listen?"

Why is mental health so stigmatised? Why are we not talking about it more publicly?

Why is it that we have always struggled in silence and secret? What is it with this world that we just cannot crack? Are we destined to be shunned and abused, misunderstood and left out, blamed and scapegoated, lost and found, made assumptions of and not believed, named and then abandoned?

Why do we hide the central aspects of what make our lives our lives and who we are?

What about the things that affect who we are, which we cannot control and never asked for?

What about the memories we don't want, the experiences we feel torn apart by, the friends we lose?

The broken promises we make ourselves and others, the tears, the fights, the challenges most of all challenges that plague our existence, along with limitations.

We are flame driven arrows sharpened to perfection, golden glistening. We may invariably point that at ourselves or destructively in the world, we may snap and relapse, enter into a higher or lower state that we were last in, and possibly rewrite whole swathes of our lives and function from that place from that point onwards as if we had torched who we were just an hour ago, that is exactly what is happening. We become who we need to be in order to survive.

We are experts at laying complete waste to our lives. If we must, we can again quite swiftly demonstrate because after having lived it we also know what does and what does not in fact destroy you quite fast enough, or might rather bore you actually.

I am a mix between a cynical british man and a subsaharan bush fire wild instinct desert fox first bloom torrential rain sand tornadoes cliff faces crimson sunsets stars as far as the eyes can see healing trees on every horizon a nature preserve a national treasure a tourist destination a money making activity a space filler for someone next door, who by the way, does in fact own guns. I've lost the point of my why. It's not not my why anymore it's just too overwhelming and I can't cope with how urgent and dire this circumstance is which I rember when confronted with pretty much anything in my circumstance. My very new living circumstance. Stress. Alienation. Disability. Mental illness. Autism. Masking. Financial dependence on an abusive family. A pervasive fear of failure. A dark cloud that holds me captive and will not allow me to work, contribute or survive in this world. These things and stressors in new environments (or just the life we live, which is very stressful, which is fueled by stress, and glorified in stress, and expected of us, and shunned and suppressed when it is expressed openly) are experiences that send shock waves through my entire nervous system and shake and rattle and drench me in the cycles and tendencies that do not stop going once they are set into motion, wether that is up or down.

I will climb as high as I can get or I will sink and sink and sink and sink and keep going as if gravity doesn't mean anything to me other than a fun ride I slurp up and ask for th'e next one. I am wondering why we dont talk about mental health as much as we need to because how it's going with me is I am having various of my episodes due to different stressful components of my move and my environment, my sister has tried to make space and - I'm in shock tatters from that one. She said she didn't know who I was in unmasking and that she gave a knowing look to a server over ordering a drink, because I guess what ordered a drink in a basic polite way and apprently (according to my sister) this offended the barista and she shut down from that point onwards and just took the rest of the order. So my sister felt the need to impart to the barista that yes she knew and she was very sorry for my appalling offense. The offense of being me, of being direct, of being perceived in any way that is different to the norm, a difference in expression, movement thought, behaviour, idea or ideal, needs and challenges. These people exist these people are real, I am these people. I have been around an amazing community of them since my time started here on tumblr in 2013. I am pretty certain of the bonds and the ties and the darknesses and the strengths that make us human and that a huge if not majority percentage of people on this platform are experiencing something dark and real that so few dare approach on other platforms, at least not this way. And the fact that we can be anonymous on here helps, the fact that we need not show this to an employer. We are still scared sick, scared -> sick

But we are milions strong and in that number I feel solidarity because my daily life is one of acute loneliness. I wish to forge a way out of this loneliness and experience the sea beyond. I believe that me and others like me deserve the light of day, or the freedm to truly live in our nights because we are incapable of engaging with the world in its normal hours or have to undergoe great personal and physiological stress to engage with, or take pharmaceuticals in order to participate. We self medicate in a million and one ways, we have our own routines and systems to come with PTSD and quirks of our neurology. We know our way around our compulsions better than anyone, and when we say we cannot in fact get through the thing we are referring to, we mean it. This is your strong friend speaking up and saying, it is all getting a bit much to deal with, us saying this last bit of stress has become the one that might crack the resolve, part the veil, elevate symptoms, throw us over the edge, please, believe them. And I wish we had real things on hand other than numbers we can reach out to in crisis. Really what am I going to say? Am I really just going to sob out my entire irrational and uber rational existentialist spiel dread belief singular terror and life vision and past and manifesto right there on the call? I'm just going to tell them when I tell my boyfriend the whales are all dying and I feel it and I writhe and moan and shriek as if I am personally being shocked and hung on hooks? That meltdowns are dangerous and happen when I'm most stressed and being alone for that isn't safe? What would they say to that other than: you need to be admitted. Realy and seriously, honestly, don't lie to me. Tell me they wouldn't say, okay, you seem to really need some help there. And you said you are new here and want to try to live here? Okay, we're just going to- instutionalise you.

Is this paranoid ideation?

It's stuff like this that is real.

We want to be able to tell our friends and post on our timelines.

Saying hey, we're thinking this, does this check out or can you reflect something back to me that might help me assimilate this experience in the context of the whole, or remind me of something important about myself or my journey.

Hey, I am having a down day/time and I really can't bring myself to answer your messages and I feel really bad about the whole thing but the prospect of talking to you about it is making it much worse and the actual time I've spent talking to you or generally anyone has been unpleasant and I really don't feel myself or okay right now so kindly just nothing...it trails off at the end there because while I could start with the beginning you see I get stuck at the end. So I just say nothing.

Your 'strong' friend is silent because there is no easy way as of such, in this world, in most contexts, to transmit thoughts, feelings, experiences or needs outside of the norm. This world that we have constructed for ourselves (has been constructed through us? been constructed for us?) discourages that, it suppresses, takes advantage of, uses against us and punishes our divergence.

People look down on hardship and misery, look away from things that make them feel uncomfortable, and create comfortable delusions rapidly in order to preserve their quality of life at any given moment. We are all deeply, deeply talented at self denial. Basically, there is a wall up to present the best self and it feels like fewer and fewer places in which you can present your real self.

If we spoke up, would you listen?

When we say strong about ourselves we mean weathering the storm day in and day out, season to season, moment to moment, on the very edge of the wire. We are battling ferocious animals yipping and biting at us, gnawing upon us, great storms and battles, we are over and over again needlessly ceaselessy going up and down or just down down down or up up and up or, just down. There are an infinite number of patterns just as it is with nature. We have a pretty big concentration of these particular chemical balances, experiences, backgrounds, needs, desires and behaviours. Splitting at the speed of light. Regressing, repatterning, escalating, excavating, declining, deciding, torching, lying, running, stealing all the oxygen in the room like an explosion, tearing holes through furniture. We are the anthem of all the ones who survived and continue to survive, the euology of those that didn't make it and a promise to those that are struggling to hang on through sending out a lifeline and working to change the narrative for our children and future generations. That we will this vast community's presence to advocate for and change and think up clever ways like memberships and events where members of the community can share, collaborate, become empowered, and truly connect in a way that is beyond the mental illness trope in society, where we are at once so diametrically different to everything around us and also pressured to act a certain way about it, sugarcoat and overstress and perform ways around it, and keep it at arm's length, and definitely have consequences if we slip up.

We are just who we are, and we experience what we experience. There are many things that we cannot control or wish were not that way, there are very real challenges and issues in society that changing could really help. We deserve community, friendship, support, recognition, and opportunities to live a fulfilling life. I think we are tuning in the UN decalaration about human rights. Our human rights are being abused and shattered every day in a society where we are penalised for the disabilities, pressured to do or die, left alone to starve if we do not and a whole lot of other nasty things that every person who has struggles with mental illness will have at some point experienced in their lives. These are very close and intimate things, and very sparse woods out there, for shelter, nourishment or belonging. We most disporportionately struggle with homelessness, poverty, and displacement. Homelessness, poverty and discplacement can create us or trigger us, express us from within someone's genotype like waking a sleeping giant. We are the friends and colleagues that walk away or end friendships, act impulsively, and disappear.

We go quiet, zone out, check out and leave, because we just know how it is. We have been here before, time and time again.

There is nowhere that we feel like we belong, until we find those places or people or they find us. Systems can help us but they have to be built in an extremely personalised and understanding way, preferably by other wise and caring individuals that have experienced this themselves.

From a very dark time in my life right now, I say directly to all my friends and followers that the best way you can support me right now is monetary. You can send me a gift to share your appreciation or thought of me, and help keep me going and to help me take care of myself and navigate this crisis. In a two birds one stone approach, you can also opt in for my private group and patreon membership where I can connect with other humans and cultivate my inner circle.

Boost my mood here -> paypal.me/yazodah

Join my membership by clicking here and select the I See Me group membership tier.

In the group we will go over the overall system-

What works for us, what doesn't, how to combine features, how to go deeper, how to navigate challenges, how to come back from damage, how to make magic again, how to sustain ourselves and our lifestyles, and how to become empowered and empower others to do the same.

Join the neurodivergent den for $9 per month, stay as little or as long as you like. For $108 spread out over the year you can support a neurodivergent creator and experience first hand for an absolute premium my signature program and process that has worked wonders objectively on my experience. There is community, there are resources, insights, courses, content and owning of our fractured experiences and coming together within and without to not only make sense of it all mentally and emotionally, but to also energetically and emotionally untie those knots, and bring phsyical change to the lives we are living every day.

In the ultimate pursuit of building a new world we can stand to be in.

Your beloved Optimisation Specialist, Dark afficionado, obsessive compulsive, autistic artist, faery from the fertile crescent

-Dark Obsessions

[imagine-darksiders]

Just like. Head canons. For our lovely Dad Guys. Whoever you want. Whatever you want. I don’t care. Just. The Fluff Beast. 😫 Getting too strong...! Help! (I’m sorry 😂 Seriously, just do whatever you want. It’ll be beautiful and I’ll love it regardless)

Well, I’ve had this little Eidad fic on the back burner for a while now, sitting in my drafts and not doing a while lot. This seems like a good time to post it <3 <3 <3 

It’s a sick fic. Nothing too drastic, just an old maker getting worried about his human friend. 

---

Eideard has always been an especially unflappable maker, a trait that tends to come with the territory of being the village elder.

He never gets flustered, and he always maintains the poise and composure expected of him.

Unless, of course, one of his fellow makers is under threat. Only then, by his own admission, does decorum fly out of the proverbial window and little else but worry takes over him, mind, body and soul.

Recently, he's come to discover that the same rule applies to a very specific, little human.

----

“I'm cold.”

That ought to have been their first clue.

You're sitting in the maker's forge, seemingly content to remain still and quiet beside the roaring fire whilst Alya and her brother, Valus, are hard at work at their anvil.

“Cold?” the former twin laughs incredulously, glancing up from the sword she's forging to turn and fix you with a raised brow, “You're sittin' close enough to that fire!”

Her brother though, always the more perceptive of the siblings, ambles around her and makes his way towards you, tugging at the green cowl that sits around his neck. You may be vastly smaller than him, but even behind that visor, he can see the shivers you're trying to suppress. Blinking, you watch him as he bends onto one knee in front of you and holds his treasured garment out, uttering a low, almost undetectable whine.

“I'm okay, big guy,” you murmur, sounding far from it, “Think I've just got a bit of a chill.”

At that, Valus doesn't wait for you to reach up and take the cowl from his grasp and instead, with a huff, he leans forward to drape it around your shoulders, his thick fingers tucking it up underneath you as carefully as he can. Once he's finished, he sits back on his haunches to inspect you, satisfied when you snuggle further into the fabric and give him a shy smile.

“Thanks.”

Pacified, the burly maker returns your smile with a nod and pushes himself onto his feet, turning back to his sister and the anvil.

With their attention elsewhere, you allow your smile to fade, burying your face into Valus's scarf. 

You're loathe to tell them the whole truth, that accompanying your chills is a raw throat that feels as though it's been rubbed tender by sandpaper, and an ache in your limbs that only grows worse and worse by the hour.

There's no denying it.

You've come down with something.

At the very least, the makers don't know a lot about human biology, so you're relatively hopeful that you'll be able to pass this off as a mundane occurrence – definitely not anything they should be worrying about.

There is an unspoken rule amongst the giants, one that came about the moment they first laid eyes on you – a small, cowering little thing whose world had been destroyed only a few days prior.

The rule, never spoken aloud, yet understood by all, is that you are a youngling – despite your insistence to the contrary – and younglings are to be protected, especially those who have yet to reach their first century of life. 

It also doesn't help that you're a human, and consequently only stand about as high as the makers' knees.

But for as endeared to you as they all are, there are none who are quite so taken as Eideard.

The village Shaman, Muria, speculates that their elder has seen more younglings and friends die off over the centuries than any of them, and thusly, that's where his protective tendencies stem from.

Thane, on the other hand, attests that Eideard has always been enormously tender-hearted, long before grief softened his edges. 

If he were to find out that you're sick, you can't imagine he'd take it well.

Bottom line? You'd hate to worry him.

Unfortunately for you, there are some things that can't be kept from a group of watchful makers.

It's impossible to hide glassy eyes, tremors that rattle your whole body and a sudden, explosive sneeze that causes both Alya and Valus to jump out their skin, tools clattering to the stony ground.

“Stone's blood! Bit of warnin' before you go makin' noises like that, please!” Alya exclaims, resting a hand over her heart whilst Valus hurries over to you again.

“It was just a sneeze,” you try to protest, but the forge brother isn't buying it. Without a word, which isn't unusual, he clenches his fists and heaves himself about on a heel, marching purposefully towards the forge's entrance, deaf to his sister calling after him.

“Oi, Valus? Where are you off to?”

It's hardly a surprise that she doesn't get a response.

He disappears through the doors and you share a look with his sister, who hesitantly asks, “You.. sure you're okay?”

The fake smile you plaster on your face is apparently as unconvincing as it feels, judging by the flat look you receive from Alya in response. 

A few moments later, the doors swing open once again and your ears pick up two pairs of resounding footsteps thumping through the forge.

Valus appears first, lumbering up the short flight of steps onto the raised dais where he's soon followed by the second maker, a particularly concerned-looking Eideard.

As soon as the elder's pale, grey eyes lock onto you, you slump forwards in defeat, any hope of riding this illness out in privacy now dashed. Of all the makers in Tri Stone, Eideard is the most well-versed in anthropology.

Shooting Valus a glare for his betrayal, you swallow your cough and groan, “Valus, I told you, I’m okay. You didn't need to bother Eideard.”

“I for one, am very glad he did.” From underneath his bushy, furrowed brows, the old maker studies you closely until you duck your head, weighed down by the heaviness of his stare, the whole while, your throat burns with the need to cough. Then, in a blink, his eyes widen again and the fingers clutched around his golden staff turn white as he breathes, “You're sick...”

At once, Alya shoots upright from where she'd been leaning casually against the anvil. “Sick!?” she blurts, her gaze snapping between you and her elder, “Why didn't you say somethin'?!”

“Because!” you argue, hating that Eideard’s face now appears almost twice its age thanks to the worry lines permeating his forehead, “It's not a big de-” As fate would have it, the raw spot at the back of your throat finally chooses its moment, and before you can stop yourself, you're lurching forwards into a vicious cough that burns at the tenderness like acid, bringing tears to your eyes and shame onto your clammy cheeks.

You become vaguely aware of a vast hand coming to rest on your back and fingers that pat you gently until you can catch your breath. Even after you've hacked yourself silly, you push Eideard's silken, blue sleeve away and try to get to your feet, hoping that if they see you standing, they'll be less inclined to fret. But the moment you begin to move, the same hand is cupping around your trembling body and you find yourself being lifted up and nestled against a broad chest by a maker who is wholly undeterred by your feeble resistance. 

“I'm not a baby, Eideard!” you complain, trying to wriggle free as the maker presses delicately on your chest, forcing you to lay across his forearm, “Put me down! I can walk just fine.”

“Easy, now. You'll only hurt yourself further if you keep that up,” he rumbles in a tone that's far too gentle for your pride to withstand.

Embarrassed, you wilt down behind his fingers when you hear Alya's stifled giggles, but the old maker doesn't pay her any mind, simply turns away from the anvil and begins to shuffle down the steps, heading for the entrance. Almost immediately, you miss the fire's warmth and Eideard feels your shivers turn violent, his heart seizing at the sound of your teeth chattering together like rapid gunfire.

“You – you're not going outside, are you?” you croak, pulling Valus's cowl up to your neck, “It's freezing!”

“The weather is perfectly mild. You, on the other hand, are burning hotter than forge-fire.”

You open your mouth to protest but find yourself cut off when he continues, “I’ll not have this sickness turning into something worse. We may belong to separate species, but I wasn't born yesterday. A little fresh air will do you some good.”

“Ugh. You sound like my mum.”

His reply comes in the form of an affectionate, rumbling chuckle that you can feel travelling up through his palm and into your bones. Letting out a final huff, you flop backwards and turn limp in his hand.

It isn’t as though you can fight your way out of the Old One's grip, after all. For such an ancient maker, Eideard is powerful, and his age does little to detract from that strength. The meagre resistance you put up is also proven ineffective by the silken softness of the fur trim on his sleeves that you run between your fingers.

Perhaps if you'd been looking at Eideard's expression instead of the doors as he pushes them open, you'd take notice of the disquiet lingering at the edge of his eyes.

He plans on taking you to see Muria in the hopes that she might have a remedy that can alleviate the fever spreading through your delicate body, and, failing that, he will sit with you in the peace of the night air and keep you still and safe until your tremors cease and his old heart stops trying to beat its way out of his ribcage.

You're more than welcome to resent him for this, he muses quietly, but after seeing so many of his people lost to corruption, it isn't such an easy feat to quell the pervasive anxiety that writhes like an impatient, snarling beast in his stomach, and he would much rather endure your resentment if it means keeping you out of harm’s way.

The village elder is supposed to protect his own, and glancing down at you and seeing that you've buried your face into the fabric of his robe to escape the cold, Eideard realises with a sudden surge of paternal drive, that you fall under the scope of those he considers 'his.'

The old maker clutches you possessively against his chest and hurries as well as his tired legs can carry him up towards the Shaman's gazebo, knowing that his soul will never know peace until you’re well once again. 

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Okay. So I have a tough question. Considering you have a degree in Psychology. I wanted to ask you.

After everything our characters in ST went through and what they are still going through especially characters like Will, Mike and El. We are in the 80's where growing as a teenager must've been extremely diffucult (though one might say that every generation has a tough time growing up.). We are in a coming of age story very much centered around children and teenagers and whose audience is, for the most part, teenagers or young adults.

I really didn't know how to talk about it as this subject is a very sensitive one and I preferred to chose someone who is, to my knowledge, the most qualified in that field. Sorry if it adds a pressure on you, I really don't want you to have that but I wanted to take it safe as I know it is a difficult subject.

I have wanted the show to go back to it's more mature and raw elements.

Do you think there is a possibilty that Stranger Things might, in season 4 or later, explore the subject of suicide or suicidal tendencies ?

I am sorry, I know it is a tough question but since Stranger Things each season is touching more difficult themes each time. I'd figured that at some point a show like Stranger Things will have to talk about it. Of course it doesn't have to but it's the most logical thing for me. (Also Gaten in an interview said that the characters will deal with more mature subjects.) Especially since a lot of characters do a lot of self-sacrificing actions but it's never really touched upon except maybe Hopper and Billy.

Warning: This post contains discussion of suicide. This is a deep topic, but one worth discussing. I won't pretend to be some all-knowing expert on the topic of suicide, but, as a school counselor, it is something I have to be ready for. I am trained to spot the warning signs and to screen for the need for intervention. I've also personally grappled with this myself. I went through a period where I honestly felt like it was the only thing I could do.

I wish to start by speaking plainly and directly. If you have ever felt like you may wish to take your own life, or know someone who does, please get any available help.

Dealing with a topic like suicide on TV is an extremely delicate undertaking. It's noble to want to address a very real problem, but the last thing that needs to be done is for it to be romanticized. At the same time, it also can't be demonized. Real people grapple with this. It's a real danger to show heartfelt mourning after a suicide, as someone grappling with it may see it as a reason to go ahead with it. "Look how much people will miss me!" At the same time, treating it like some cardinal sin will only make people less likely to share suicidal thoughts with those who may be able to help.

I've written before that Will may consider suicide during the course of Stranger Things, so that’s who I will use for this hypothetical. It could just as easily be another character. The question is how can a fantastical sci-fi show like Stranger Things handle such a real life issue in an appropriate fashion?

I do feel like the show has so far done a very good job working reality into this sort of fantasy story. I can see it working out so long as they are careful to avoid either romanticizing or condemning it.

In my conceptualization, it will be a result of him discovering that he unknowingly created the Upside Down. Will would essentially blame himself for everything that has happened. To him, suicide would be the way to stop it all.

In real life, suicide has been found to have some common elements. I won’t go into an exhaustive list, but these commonalities include enduring psychological pain, looking for a solution to a problem (the solution being suicide), a desire to cease consciousness, and a sense of hopelessness or despair. Essentially, a psychologically tortured individual seeks a solution to their problems, and, since it seems so utterly hopeless, they decide that ending their life is the best solution. Granted, it gets a bit nuanced, but this is what it looks like from a general perspective. In most cases, it’s something an individual has put some thought into. Those thoughts are distorted, though, as an individual will almost tunnel visioned to the point that alternate solutions aren’t even considered, and it becomes more of a necessity than a desire to follow through with it.

In Stranger Things, it’s possible to map these same elements to the story being told. Many fans, such as myself, already see Stranger Things as using the sci-fi and horror elements of the show to illustrate psychological trauma. The threat of the Upside Down has steadily become more insidious and pervasive, growing from a solitary monster threatening the real world, to a possessed child commanding an army of monsters, to many townspeople being used as murderous puppets and parts of a grotesque amalgamation. It’s slowly taking over Hawkins, only ever being temporarily subdued until some new trauma brings it back worse than before. Suppressed trauma is manifesting as a consuming darkness (the Upside Down), which can be seen as a metaphor for depression. Imagine Will finding out it’s all connected to him, a result of him subconsciously trying to bottle up his trauma.

He already has the psychological pain, as it is (in my conceptualization) what’s manifesting all the supernatural horrors his family and friends have to deal with year and year. He’ll want a solution to it, and, in his moment of despair, will think that the only solution is to stop it at the source. Too many people have already died, and he’ll blame himself for all of them. He’ll decide that he needs to die in order to make it all go away. It’s not so much a desire as it is a necessity.

Now, I don’t think they’ll actually kill Will off. That would be an incredibly depressing ending, and it would more or less affirm that suicide is the only answer. I think he may attempt it, and it would take the love of his family and friends, as it always does, to save him. Ultimately, though, I feel it would be far more effective to use the narrative to show Will facing, accepting, and overcoming his past trauma. In doing so, Will would be able to end the threat of the Upside Down by making peace with it, with the help of his loved ones and professional treatment. 

In short, Will might see suicide as the only viable solution to an overwhelming darkness that just keeps getting worse. In the end, though, he’d be able to confront and make peace with that darkness, instead. How the Duffers would go about showing that is a better question for experienced writers.

I must have written and re-written this answer ten times. I’m still not overly thrilled with it, but I can’t keep stressing it. I hope it meets your expectations. This has been a touchy topic, and I tried to treat it with the seriousness it deserves. I hope the care I put into writing it comes across to those who read it.

If anyone out there reading this is currently facing their own darkness, please don’t try to bottle it up or take it on alone. It has a way of making you think you don’t have options, but you do. You just sometimes need other people to remind you of it and help you shine a light again.

[ziezie13]

Feeling Touch Starved

These last few weeks I have been feeling desperately, hopelessly touch starved which is not a new feeling for me but I have never felt it to this degree. Normally I can more or less cope, but for some reason, in this age of social distancing, seven months into quarantine I am overwhelmed with this need for physical touch. My sleep schedule is completely wrecked and I don’t want to anything even though I am not depressed. I thought it was hormones at first, but I have felt this way for weeks now and it has become clear it is defiantly touch starvation. So today I did what I do best: research. I figured I would share what I found here in case someone else finds this helpful. Maybe sometime in the future I will create a graphic summarizing the important stuff, but if you want to skip all the boring background stuff you can find the coping strategies I discovered at the bottom. 

What Does It Mean to Be Touch Starved?

People are meant to touch each other. It is part of our programing. When we don’t get that physical connection we need, we become touch starved. Of course, each person is unique and have different limits in terms of how much physical touch we need but the underlying need remains the same.

“When someone is [touch] starved, it’s like someone who is starved for food. They want to eat, but they can’t. Their psyche and their body want to touch someone, but they can’t do it because of… fear. Whether that is a fear of breaking cultural norms, personal anxiety, or spreading COVID-19.” 

- Dr. Asim Shad, professor and executive vice chair of the Menninger Department of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine

Touch starvation doesn’t not only apply to intimate or sensual touch but encompasses all forms of tactile interaction: handshakes, friendly hugs, pats on the back, etc.

Touch starvation is pervasive around the world, but it is more common in countries and cultures that are touch averse, such as the United States. Growing up in this culture, my brain has come to associate nearly every form of physical contact as sexual, even when I know this is not true. This is a big problem for me, being asexual. I catch myself wanting to initiate physical contact with my friends but I never do. Instead I sit there just thinking about it. I know it wouldn’t be a sexual touch, but do they know that? Would they think I am weird? Would it make them uncomfortable? And so on and so forth. I can never seem to break through this wall.

Why is touch important?

Skin-to-skin contact is vital for not only mental and emotional health, but physical health, too.

When you feel overwhelmed or pressured, the body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol triggers the body’s “flight-or-fight” response, which can increase heart rate, blood pressure, respiration and muscle tension, and can suppress the digestive system and immune system. Every single physical disease including heart attack, diabetes, hypertension, asthma is affected by anxiety, stress, depression, or other mental health issues. One of the best ways to counteract these affects is skin-to-skin contact.

Touch stimulates pressure receptors in the skin that transport signals to the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the body, and is connected with the parasympathetic nervous system. It touches every major organ, and helps you rest and digest. Stimulating the vagus nerve sends signals to slow the pace of the nervous system there-by reducing stress.

In addition to the vagus nerve, scientists have found that nerve endings in the skin, known as C-tactile afferents, exists to recognize any form of gentle touch. Stimulating these nerves results in an immediate release of oxytocin. Oxytocin increases positive, feel-good sensations of trust, emotional bonding and social connection, while simultaneously decreasing fear and anxiety responses in the brain. For this reason, oxytocin is affectionately known as the “cuddle hormone.”

How do you know if you’re touch starved?

There’s no definitive way to know if you are touch starved. But pay attrition to what your mind and your body are telling you. This is in no way a comprehensive list, but signs to look out for include:

feelings of depression

feelings of loneliness or exclusion

anxiety

stress

irritability or aggression

issues with body image

low relationship satisfaction

difficulty sleeping

a tendency to avoid secure attachments

I realized that I was touch starved when I saw a couple posts about it on Tumblr and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past when I have spent time with my friends, I have found my mind wandering to thoughts of what it would be like to reach out and touch them: to hold their hand, to hug them, to lean on them, to play with their hair, etc. But I have always been afraid to act on these impulses. When I get my hair cut or have a massage I relish in the sensation of physical touch, because I am not getting it from anywhere else. I have never realized until now that physical touch is something that I have been missing in my life. But reflecting now, it is really obvious and is probably contributing to my issues of stress and anxiety.

What if you don’t particularly like being touched — can you still be touch starved?

YES! Absolutely.

Touch is an intimate thing and it is something we link closely to trust. For a lot of people, it is difficult to initiate physical connection for various reasons. It can be hard to determine what level of touch is appropriate i.e. should you go for a hug or a handshake. People on the neurodiverse or asexual spectrums are also often uncomfortable with touching. People’s comfort level with touch varies with their personality as well as their background. Statistically, people who grew up with touchy-feely families or cultures are going to be more comfortable with physical connection. Touch deprivation can actually create a self-reinforcing cycle where we feel alienated from others and therefore begin to shy away from social contact.  

However, just because someone doesn’t like being touched under normal circumstances doesn’t mean that they can’t find themselves touch starved. In a general sense I don’t like being touched. On several occasions I have found myself physically cringing away from other people’s touch, even when it is not sexual or inappropriate. I think that a part of this can be attributed to the fact that I am asexual, but I also think that the culture I was raised in and my own personality contribute to this as well. I am an introverted person; I never initiate physical contact and yet I crave it in my day-to-day life. For me I need to reach a certain level of comfort with someone before thoughts of physical contact come into my head. My comfort level also varies from day-to-day and with my mood.

So now that I know what the problem is, how can I fix it?

In case you weren’t aware physical contact is not recommended at this time due to the fact that there is an international pandemic. So, while nothing can wholly replace the benefits of positive human touch, I have uncovered a few coping strategies:

Video chatting

video chatting is, reportedly, about 80 percent as effective as in-person contact at releasing those feel-good chemicals

Physical exercise such as yoga or dance

exercise has proven an effective way to increase the release of oxytocin in the brain – dancing can also increase dopamine levels

Singing

singing is another way to get that oxytocin fix

Taking long, hot baths and showers

hot water relieves muscle tension, puts you in a better mood, and minimizes cold and flu symptoms

Petting an animal

spending some time with your favorite four-legged friend cuts down on feelings of loneliness and depression

Using a weighted blanket

weighted blankets offer deep pressure stimulation which helps relax the nervous system - they’re great for calming anxiety, too, because the weight of the blanket helps release those feel-good chemicals

Using a warm blanket

just like swaddling a baby a warm blanket can invoke feelings of security and comfort helping to calm your nerves

Sleeping with a body pillow

a body pillow mimics what it feels like to hug or cuddle with another person and sleeping with one can help to reduce stress and aid the body in releasing oxytocin – as a bonus body pillows can create a more comfortable sleep by supporting the back and shoulders

Listening to ASMR

certain sounds, such as whispering or brushing hair, can invoke sense memories and stimulate the part of the brain associated with touch and connection

In addition to these strategies there are also several self-soothing techniques you can use to help with feeling touch starved:

Forearm stroke

Remove any bracelets, rings, watches, etc. Put your right arm next to your body and turn your right palm up, fingers together. Bring your arm up until your forearm and upper arm are at a 45-degree angle. Take your left hand and touch the fingertips of your right hand. Slowly and gently run your fingertips down your left fingers, palm, wrist and inside of the forearm, stopping at the inner elbow. Repeat 10 times.

Adult swaddling

Get out a blanket and put the long edge behind your neck. Drape the blanket over your shoulders. Gather a good handful of the blanket in each hand until you feel it tightening around your shoulders, and then cross your arms to pull it tighter around your upper arms and back. Hold for 30-60 seconds, and breathe.

Self-massage

Lie on your bed on your back naked, with a towel underneath you. Take a bit of lotion, cream, or oil in your left hand, and begin applying it in long, slow strokes to your right arm. Allow your hand to glide over the surface of your skin instead of focusing on absorption. Move on to your chest and torso, starting from your chin and your neck, using the same long strokes. Switch hands, and have the right hand do the left arm, and then do your legs and your feet. Start with five minutes and work your way up to 10 minutes.

Skin stimulation

Take a long-handled, soft-bristle brush and firmly run it back and forth across your arms, legs, torso, back, sides and chest prior to going to bed. The stimulation to your skin can help you sleep better. You can also do something similar for your scalp by brushing your hair 100 times.

Vagus nerve stimulation

You can stimulate the vagus nerve from the outside of the body by stroking the sides of your neck. Start behind your earlobe, and move your fingers down to your collarbone. Repeat until you feel your breath deepen, jaw relax and your mouth falls open a bit. You can also stimulate the vagus nerve by massaging or rubbing your feet.

Pressure points

Using your index finger and thumb, press the web of your other hand for five seconds. This relieves tension in your shoulders, and using your index finger or thumb and firmly rubbing on the temple of your face in a circular motion will relieve sinus pain and help you feel relaxed.

Sense memory

Close your eyes, and recall an amazing hug you received. It could be from a parent, relative, or child, a stranger, friend, or lover. Zero in on the details: what color was their shirt? Did they smell like onions because you just finished eating sub sandwiches? Where were you? Once you have the details, shift your attention to your body, and focus on what this hug felt like. Allow yourself to linger on the feeling of being safe, loved, cared for, and seen by another person.

EFT tapping

Emotional freedom technique (EFT) is an alternative treatment for physical pain and emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. Though still being researched, EFT tapping has been used to treat people with anxiety and people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I found this video that will guide you through the whole process (the meditation starts at 4:30 and lasts about 15 minutes - she also does a shorter meditation starting at 26:20 that lasts about 4 minuets): https://tappingdetective.com/videos

Sources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#definition

https://www.tmc.edu/news/2020/05/touch-starvation/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways-to-self-soothe-when-starved-for-touch/

https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/managing-touch-deprivation

https://zora.medium.com/how-i-am-dealing-with-touch-starvation-829d7c091e8b

https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#:~:text=Emotional%20freedom%20technique%20(EFT)%20is,energy%20system%20and%20treat%20pain.

[eidetective]

7, 17, 21, 38

character development questions! | ACCEPTING

(7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these?)

on the whole, will does not physically engage with other people much at all. he maintains a fairly wide personal “bubble” and will not usually choose to breach it, and is generally not physically demonstrative with people overall. he can be receptive to it from people he’s more comfortable with, though, and isn’t avoidant of it to any extreme degree, but it’s just… not how he is. it’s equal parts innate and deliberate—he has carefully constructed a way of presenting himself that keeps people at a distance, and doing so physically helps to do so emotionally.when it comes to objects and his environment, he engages far more on a physical level, often idly picking things up and such even if he doesn’t have a reason to, or gesturing with objects or aspects of the environment to make a point. again, this is for a combination of reasons. there’s a very prominent element of powerplay in it when, for example, he picks things up and moves things in hannibal’s office or sits on his desk, but interacting with his environment is also a means of grounding himself in the moment, and he also does think and express himself more clearly when he can physically demonstrate his point.

(17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture — who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who they’ve become as a person?)

both. or, in terms of how will would see himself—in hannibal’s words, fittingly enough, “between nature and nurture, i choose neither.” he has a very determined resentment toward being quantified by his experience, particularly his childhood (if he has to hear anything about lacking a maternal figure during key stages of development ONE MORE TIME) and refuses to let anyone reduce him to being the product of anything, be it hannibal’s influence or anything else, but he doesn’t believe that people are born with an inherent and immutable “destiny,” or anything to that effect. he does believe that people who commit horrible acts have always had that capacity, that there is nothing that can shape a “good person” into a monster—but that’s more indicative of his view of humanity as a whole than some belief about nature triumphing over nurture.in his own case, he can’t really be reduced to either. he may not want to believe that he’s the product of his experiences, but of course they did change him. he wouldn’t be the same person had he had a different life. he wouldn’t have made the same choices. but i think the potential would have always been there. there’s a tendency to blame hannibal for turning will into a murderer, but will was aware he had the capacity long before he met him. i think he would have had that capacity regardless of the life he’d had, but in another life, that may have never come out.

(21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why?)

he doesn’t really seek relationships out much on his own, so what relationships he cultivates are usually with people who are persistent enough to get past the fact that he’s… not going to be putting in the effort at the outset. on the whole he’s quite asocial and doesn’t really relate to or get much out of social interaction with most people he meets, so he feels little motivation to put in the effort, and he MUCH prefers to keep people at a distance and out of his business (and not let them get close enough that rejection from them hurts him) and aids this by putting on a very deliberately unapproachable facade.the people who can manage to break through this tend to be people who he respects and enjoys the company of enough to not want to keep pushing them away as they try to get closer to him, i.e. alana or beverly. other relationships he did consciously seek out were generally ones he saw some kind of benefit in, beyond just liking the person. abigail was a means to rationalizing his feelings about killing hobbs. chiyoh was him mirroring hannibal’s own behavior toward a “protege” of his own. molly was him trying to have everything he “should” want. his feelings toward these people were completely genuine, but his motives in trying to form relationships with them went beyond that. trying to break his habit of solitude requires perceived value, though usually on a subconscious level. he’d never really admit it.as for hannibal himself, he’s more or less the only person will ever felt he could truly, deeply relate to, who could see him and understand him as he was. (see: hugh dancy’s chess metaphor that i don’t need to repeat for the millionth time.) while he never would have considered himself lonely before, having that kind of understanding in his life is worth forgiving anything done to him.(he also has a very pervasive tendency to idealize people and hold them to unrealistic standards and then take an abrupt 180 to devaluation and resentment over any perceived “betrayal” and this is a problem that arises in pretty much all his relationships.)

(38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why?)

...yes and no. it varies. when he was younger in particular he had a propensity for mimicry and always wanted to just... be like everyone else and be accepted, or, at the point when he realized that he wasn’t going to be accepted, to blend in enough that people would leave him alone. as an adult with a more stable grasp on what his worldview and thought process is, he spends a long time bitter at himself and the grotesqueness of his way of seeing the world and the people in it. the potential for violence hannibal saw in him had been there for as long as will could remember and he knew it, but he suppressed it and resented it for years. if he could have changed, he would have.post-meeting hannibal this gradually changes. until the end of twotl it never quite crystalizes one way or the other, and his time with molly is his last ditch effort TO change, but as of the ending he has finally fully embraced everything he’d been keeping down for so long, and if he were to survive, he’d never go back to wanting to change the way he thinks.