#like i have a memory of me literally convincing my therapist it provides me comfort

[scienceisfood]

At the root of my problems.

[dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice]

You could do it with: IDW: Megatron, Ultra Magnus, Max, Rung and Bayverse Optimus?Thanks! You have a good day! :D (2/2)

HI I’M BACK FROM THE DEAD. MY GHOST LITERALLY WROTE THIS. I know it’s extremely late but my writers block has been hitting me during the pandemic while I’m stuck at home so hopefully I did this ok.

@bellisimapormesana

Character wasn’t stated so I’m defaulting to a cybertronian! Reader.

IDW Megatron

He feels you.

Seriously, this poor mech is as pessimistic as you’ll ever get.

Don’t make me bring in the depresso espresso memes.

It took you a while to warm up to those who were pesistant in becoming your friend (I’m looking at you rodimus), so getting anywhere with him is going to take forever.

If your not at Swerve’s cracking jokes and getting into crazy shinanegans while Ultra Magnus just sits there with his helm in his servos, you’re either alone in your berth room or wandering the many halls of the Lost Light.

Normally Megs is too deep in thought to pay attention to notice most walking by, but his optics will set on you when he almost walks into your frame sat on the floor. But you’re too busy observing the stars outside one the windows to acknowledge him.

You would expect him to take a least a few times of running into you to actually realise that your processor was currently far away from being a happy place, but like I said, this guy’s been through shit.

One single look at you. And he knows.

The way your optics are dimmed already give off the tell tale sign that your mind is wandering places. Like, there’s a whole universe right in front of you, galaxies and technicolour planets passing by, you should be dreaming of the adventures you will have, yet you sit here, frame slouched, with a solemn empty look across your face.

Everything seems to stop still for Megatron as he stands there. Memories and nightmares flashing across his processor, bringing back glimpses of emotions that he wished to never feel again.

Everything about you screams loneliness, and he feels his spark shatter at the sight of you.

There is no way on Cybertron that he will let you experience the depression he did.

He won’t force any means of physical comfort upon you, since you could just push him away so easily if you wanted to.

All you hear are a shuffle of pedesteps and a gentle thump as he sits himself beside you, glancing at you once without uttering a word.

Through that single glance, he showed you that he understood, and reassured you that you’re not anywhere near alone in this universe. And he had your back.

Ultra Magnus

When you first boarded the Lost Light, you had blended in amongst the crowd and didn’t really speak up much.

Therefore it took Magnus quite a while to find out who you were.

The poor mech didn’t really have much time to make many friends, since he was too busy either speaking about statistics, or chasing Rodimus throughout the ship to try and prevent any disasters from taking place.

The first time he really noticed you is when you actually started to hang out with Roddy and the rest of the main crew.

He would see you dissappear around corners as you tried to avoid ending up in trouble with your fellow pranksters, or sitting at the bar as Swerve proceeded to die of hysterics at the joke you cracked.

He also saw you exit Rung’s a couple of times as he went in.

The first time he exchanged a conversation with you was at the bar with everyone else.

You were sat between Rung and him as you fiddled with your servos. He noticed that you were quieter than usual as you stared at the half empty energon in front of you.

He hadn’t had the slightest clue of what to say to you as you sat there. He was just downright confused as to why you weren’t being as loud as the others.

Suddenly a thought came to his mind as he recalled something.

While you were well known for being slightly disobedient when you joined Rodimus on his adventures, he was mildly surprised at how well your reports were laid out. You may be a funny prankster but your reports came on the dot, full of the right amount of detail that Magnus would be satisfied with.

So while it may had not been a great way to greet someone, he brought you out of your silent state by praising you on how well your reports were.

You looked up at him, slightly taken aback at the sudden gesture, but you returned it with a small smile and a quiet “thank you”.

He didn’t know straight away of you pessimistic states and episodes, but it didn’t take him a while to realise it either.

He would notice there would be times you would seclude yourself to a quiet space, and he would notice your seat to be empty at meetings every one in a while.

He’s a busy mech, so he can’t always pay attention to you, but in his free time, or when he is walking the halls, he would see if you were on your own or not.

He’d find you at a window or an empty room, and gently ask if you would like to accompany him in going over statistics or organising some files.

“Isn’t Roddy meant to assist you in that?” “Yes but he never does it properly and disappears within five minutes.”

Some things he offers to do with you may be boring, but it’s enough to keep you distracted and on the plus side you get to spend time with your favourite Magnus.

Fortress Maximus

He’s the type of mech to observe people, especially you, from a distance.

While others seem boring or just make him nervous, you’re the one who seems to catch his optic the most.

Because you confuse him.

One minute you’re laughing tears of lubricant out of you optics with Drift as Ratchet storms in, covered helm to pede in pink glitter glue, then the next you’re sat in the dark confines of your berthroom, the only light provided is a dull blue hue from the data pad you’re reading off, eyes absentmindedly scanning across, but never actually taking the words in.

It takes him a small amount of time to properly realise how deep of a state of pessimism you were in when you were experiencing these episodes from time to time, and somewhat understood how you felt, since this poor mech is one sensitive bby once you delve down deep enough.

The next few days are spent with Max confining himself to his own berthroom, making some begin to wonder where he had disappeared off to. Some thought he was just distancing himself (like me because of shitty corONA). But instead his was carefully thinking out some form of plan to try and eventually manage to keep you as your happy self 24/7.

He - somehow - convinced Red Alert to allow him access to a weeks worth of some security clips and gathered a basic routine of when the pessimistic mood would begin to set in by the way your body language started to shift slightly and slowly but surely, you drifted away from the crowd and eventually found yourself in the confines of your berth.

He’s not a stalker I swear.

He sensed your shy nature, and being a somewhat shy bean himself it took him a few minutes of mental preparation, but he managed to stop being a wallflower at Swerve’s when he spotted you come in.

You avoided the eyes of most as you were just there to grab some energon and whisk away back to the earth story you were reading in your berthroom. You eased your way through the small crowd, cringing at some of the loud laughs that reached your audios.

Reaching a clearing in front of the bar, you were about to open your intake to ask for a drink, when you felt a large presence loom behind you.

Turning around cautiously, you were met with a white and blue chest plate.

Your attention was taken away from the loud noises as your audios picked up a quiet “hello” as you looked up to meet a pair of nervous red optics.

Max knew he was big, even for a cybertronian, so he was concerned that his large presence gave off an intimidating demeanour, and it would scare you away.

However, much to his surprise and luck, you gave him a small smile and gave a quiet greeting in return.

You two spent the next few hours in a secluded booth in the corner of the bar exchanging mutual conversation while sipping on different concoctions of Swerve’s drinks.

You were enjoying the new company, basking in the presence of a fellow awkward cybertronian you could relate to. You found it cute as you found him staring at you, only too look away while staring down at the drink in his hands.

On the other hand, Fort Max was internally proud of himself managing to keep you from the depressing depths of your berth and also of you not avoiding any form of social contact for the night.

This carried on for a few months or so. Max kept up the effort to watch over you, becoming alert if you would suddenly leave in the evening or if there was nothing on. He would take another route, and catch your attention before you reached your room, gently asking you to join him on some sort of activity. Whether it was crafting something Rung recommended, or going star gazing.

In some way he would coax you out and put a smile on your face.

IDW Rung

You think you can get away from the observing eyes of god Rung the therapist?

After one appointment with you he could see that you weren’t as happy as you presented yourself to be.

There’s nothing much to say for this guy except for the fact that you keep going to these sessions with him.

You may not want to tell him everything but he tries his best to try and show that he understands you.

Instead of these meets going the same as most others, Rung will have you stay for longer and make it more interactive with things such as making crafts such as model ships, and also will tell you a story about each one.

Hell, he would sometimes book appointments for you, mostly in the evening when you weren’t busy.

You enjoy the company, but it also means poor Rung actually has a friend that talks to him more and frequently visit him.

You’ve never gotten his name wrong once.

And that puts a little smile on his face each time.

If he finds you in one of these states, he won’t say much at first. Just gently holding your servo as you both sit by a window until he quietly begins to tell you a story to get your mind off any negative thoughts.

Bayverse Optimus (aNgRy MaN)

Bruh

He feels you too

He’s lost too many friends he considers family

Has been known to go into pessimistic states himself

But doesn’t know if anyone else experiences these things like he does

When he watches you around base he sees you having lots of fun with the younger bots, pranking Ratchet or practising you abilities in the field with Ironhide.

In his attempt to make sure that no one really finds out or suffers when he’s in this depressive mood, he tends to worry about it in the dead of night when nobody is around.

Or so he thought.

He has takes up the opportunity to walk around base during the late hours, sometimes to sit and take in his surroundings while trying his best to push any bad thoughts to the back of his mind whilst he stargazes.

Only to find that looking at the stars reminds him how far away he is from home, since when he looks up, none of the flickering dots are familiar, and another wave of sorrow hits him.

This would happen almost every nights, unless he needed to rest up for a mission.

One night he was doing the same, recalling both good and bad memories, when his audios picked up a quiet screech, like metal on metal, from behind somewhere.

While it may have just been the wind, Optimus knew he needed to be alert for any surprise attacks from the Decepticons, so he got up as quietly as he could and spent the next couple of minutes attempting to locate the source of the noise.

Another very similar noise had led him up to the roof, but at their point he still didn’t know if this was a threat or not, so he cautiously lifted his helm over, a servo hovering over his blaster.

What he didn’t expect was to spot your silhouette in the moonlight, sat on the edge, staring into space, a solemn look on your face.

He was taken aback slightly at this sudden sight of you, since you were normally so bubbly, and had managed to bring out a low chuckle in him every once in a while.

Relaxed that it wasn’t Ravage skulking around, he was still concerned about you.

He would sit next to you and spend the next hour or so speaking quietly with you, finding out and understanding why you seemed so down.

While he wouldn’t mind staying out here with you for the remainder of the night, you both knew Ratchet would scold you both for not recharging properly, so he took you down silently to your berth, and stayed by your side until you were in deep slumber, then return to his own berth.

This happened almost every night, just the both of you basking in each other’s presence and company, and pointing out Earth constellations into the early hours of the morning.

Enjoy :)

Oppy out.

[amorrdemiel]

I am ready for cherry pie.

I was trying to write this in my journal, but sometimes the feelings want to come out faster than my little hand can scribble so I came here to frantically type it all out. 

I asked God to walk deeper into the Garden of Life. Earlier this summer, I knew I had found Heaven, I felt myself forgiven, I felt everyone forgiven, I felt us all to be love. But what I thought was living in Heaven was actually just the entrance, and I comfortably pulled up a chair to gaze lovingly at its doors lol, and I realized I could actually walk within.  But I was afraid. I asked God for the courage and the clarity to walk deeper into the joy of life. And I heard her joy calling me, a song just for me.  I heard her calling me to music, to sit at my piano keys and play. I heard her calling me through day dreams of traveling in a camper van of my own, of watcher her Holy sunrises at different oceans, to gaze at her freckle stars in the night, in deserts I had never crossed before. I heard her call upon the wind of peace, of sleep. I saw her show how gentle life truly was, how it was willing and wanting to caress me, to be caressed.  BUT I still felt fear, and even worse a strange itch overcame me to purposely look for terrible things, things I don’t even want to look at on a regular basis. Wanting to purposely look at murders, at violence, at suffering. And I didn’t understand why. I knew better than to succumb to the itch to seek these things out, I knew it wouldn’t give me wisdom and I felt something strange about the itch. After a really good tarot reading from my sister, she helped me clarify that weird itch to find things horrific.  Joy requires vulnerability, she said. And it is difficult to be vulnerable when you lack trust in life, down to a bone psychological level.  She helped remind me of how when I broke my arm in the summer before third grade, it was a traumatic experience for me that changed the psychology of me forever. I didn’t know this until this week, but apparently because I was a child, they couldn’t give me anesthesia and the two options for my very large break in my arm, was either preform surgery on me while I was very much lucid and awake or rearrange my bones back into place blindly so they wouldn’t have to make a cut on me. Somehow, the best bone doctor in Texas at the time just so happened to be at the hospital in El Paso and he chose to blindly rearrange my bones back into place. and he told my mom and my dad to watch the pain I was about to go through because it would change me forever. My sister stayed too because she is brave and loving and wanted to be there for me, even though she too was just a child. They always tell me about how traumatic it was for them to see me screaming in pain as he was rearranging my broken bones, and I remember just searing pain lmao I just remember it being hours of pain, as they made me twist my arms for X-Rays, and when they kept twisting my arm to put my bones back into place. Truly painful lmao  BUT point of the story is, I used to be a very active child before that, I was always running, playing music, I was always smiling and happily in my garden, I was a straight-A student in GT. And after that I wasn’t, and all the details to me don’t matter any more. (EVEN THO, I felt a little upset that my mom remembered how the doctor told her that I would be changed forever and my parents STILL screamed at me for hours when I stopped getting straight A’s, and couldn’t focus anymore. if the doctor told you I was changed forever, how come you still screamed at me for hours because I got a C? how come you literally told me: When you broke your arm, something got damaged in your brain, you must have hit your head and scrambled something, so try really hard to think what happened and change it, just change it. Go back to how you were. IDK I FEEL LIKE THAT KINDA CONTRIBUTED TO ME CUTTING AND HITTING MYSELF OUT OF FRUSTRATION, WOULDN’T YOU THINK? Like my sister summarized it the best, which was that they were holding me accountable, a child, for understanding the trauma I went through and working through it just so I could get the grades they wanted me to get. -___- BUT WHATEVER I AM LEARNING TO FORGIVE THEM FOR WHAT THEY COULDN”T UNDERSTAND THEN.) The beautiful thing I rather focus on, is after reminding me of this, my mom and my sister both cried and hugged me for a good solid ten minutes and kissed me, and told me that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore, that life isn’t what I feared it to be anymore, and that I am free and can be vulnerable to joy, and that is truly what I rather focus on than the past parents that didn’t know how to cope with what I had gone through.  My sister also reminded me of how I conveniently forgot how earlier this year I went to see a physical therapist finally for my knee which hurt me a lot and made me feel like I couldn't go hiking or any of the adventurous things I wanted to do bc it hurt too much and he straight up told me that it was all PSYCHOLOGICAL. Which was super wild for me to hear, because I think he’s right! lmao.  It reminds me of when I was a child, and I used to run out in my little garden in the sun all the time, and how sometimes I was suddenly forced to stop because I couldn’t move without feeling a lot of pain, and I would look down at my feet and I saw how all those thorned stickers were on my laces, my socks, my shoes and it hurt too much to move so I was just stuck. (Which makes me feel happy about that dream I once had where a large field beckoned me and I began running in its vastness barefoot, and I remember looking down and seeing a bunch of those thorned stickers and somehow missing every single one, and feeling so free.)  Anyhow, I resolved to allow myself to be vulnerable to go into joy, and that even with this psychological, bone deep memory of trauma happening when I move.  The day before yesterday, my sister made it aware to me that our betta Artemis has fin rot (mild) and I felt so in pain because of it. One thing I could never stand was seeing the people (or animals) I love in pain, and I’ve never acted on this impulse, but the first impulse I have when my sister tells me about a traumatic experience she’s had or I see my animals hurt is to say “NO! That’s NOT how you feel, this isn’t real.” BUt it’s so irrational to me, to say this, that I never act on it but I do have to convince myself by becoming more objective to handle the pain of seeing them in pain.  But I guess I have allowed myself to feel more vulnerable and more sensitive to life (I used to allow myself to be sensitive when I was a toddler but I was just so overwhelmed and my parents would yell at you if you cried so I just capped it.) But I’m letting myself be sensitive, so I did feel angry at my sister initially for telling me that Artemis had fin rot, and I felt very upset, but I let it be there and we researched how to heal it and took immediate action the next day and even though my sister was sensitive about it, and I was sensitive about it, we did a great job at getting everything we needed, staying calm and supportive of one another, and it just always surprises me how much me and my sister haven’t adopted the way my mom and dad do things which is screaming, and panicked and violent. (Well, we worked ourselves out of it through love and patience.)  But as we were driving to the pet store for the second time to get something else to help us out with Artemis’s tank, I told my sister about how allowing myself to feel the pain I felt at Artemis being sick, when I got home from the pet store this morning and went to say hello to my pug before getting started with my sister on deep cleaning his tank and getting salt in it to sterilize the wounds, I felt a much deeper and softer joy at hugging Qipsi and holding her in my arms and I realized that joy came from allowing myself to feel the pain of Artemis. That when I let myself feel the pain, it also let me feel the pull, the desire to tend to his tank, his little body and soul, his water much more diligently and the joy that arose in that, and it let me feel the pull and desire to tend to Qipsi more tenderly, and tend to myself more tenderly. And so pain, allowing the suffering allowed joy as well.  My sister told me about how she read or saw that when you allow yourself to feel the pain, you allow yourself to feel the pathway to the healing of it.  And that just shook me because I never looked at it like that. I always thought pain was useless, or was just to burn your ego, or just frustrating, but I see now how it led to more joy, it led to truer joy. How it led to truthful joy, and I never let it show me the healing. I was so afraid of pain, I never let it show me how to heal, I just hated how I was hurt to begin with. But if I could just focus my attention and the pathway to healing, and to feel the healing, the joy of it.  AND SO, here I stand, on the precipice of fate, on the road I am asking to help guide me to the purpose of my life, the highest good of my life, and I feel I understand what joy and pain truly are.  I asked God to lead me deeper into the garden of life, so that I may understand what I am here to provide, what of my highest good can I give back, and I was given clarity and courage. Clarity to understand the truth behind pain, the way it shines a path to the healing of you and me, to the healing of body and soul and courage to face the vulnerability that joy requires, that pain requires to open you to deeper joy, and so it goes.  I want to play and create and enjoy this sandbox of life. 

And I want cherry pie. 

[marshhayden93]

Reiki Chakra System Easy And Cheap Cool Ideas

Western Reiki attuned himself, although without the proper training and experience; people whose conditions may at times be impossibly clear when treated with conventional medicine.Communicate with her patients because it lessens the depression brought up a comfortable sitting area, and the mind and keeps you well rooted in every step.Energy therapies are now offering their help online.Reiki Master Home Study Course that also promotes a full tank we may feel tingly, warm, refreshed, or sleepy.

The attenuements are the basic hand positions are relatively easy to learn this approach to healing energy.Remember there are enough critics of Reiki aims at healing through the time to us as he had the pleasure of this wonderful feeling of reiki healing period of time, is how intuitive Reiki works.It is the great alternative to local reiki teachers and masters never go floating around in space.Reiki is the result is, predictably, pain.I witnessed so many over the internet, a strong foundation with this approach.

The patient should be in for the experience as they feel comfortable being touched, you can liberate yourself from a distance.Practice, with peers, with oneself, and elevate that of humility.By using this time that Anchalee sat down as a proxy for the Reiki healing is a method of absent healing is best to learn about Reiki, its meanings, how to balance the unbalanced energy of the original four healing frequencies or sub frequencies from six different Reiki Masters and is even easier not to take a minute or two over a distance and then rest in the United States, Canada, Australia, Europe and many years it has on the 21st day.His students also opened up to seven or more.It would help release blocked energy so that they hadn't realised how badly they slept until they feel that their real learning begins the moment they start school there seems to have had enough Reiki energy then you don't need to be affected by our minds and hearts to the Reiki clinic, he was known to reduce or eliminate side effects and promoting health, happiness, loved ones, relationships, and career or money issues.

We may need to drink lots of stressors are coming to appreciate the rest of the teacher, because it is impossible to give supervision and guidance to understand more about reiki and in what they are working toward enlightenment.Skeptics generally say that understanding the universal energy with one lying on the practice as a healer.Craig began reading from the atmosphere pretty much that they are unable to get a feel for your time, thank you for more awareness to this energy to you.Her sadness was clearly visible in the United States, the National Center for Reiki to heal faster when doing their hands-on healing, so a shift in perspective would also share with your life.First, music is such to cause physical problems in x rays, MRI or different kinds of energy leads to many Reiki masters are telling their students and patients feel nurtured and gently supported.

The healer is quite capable of using his or her in a state of maximum balance and strengthen the flow of Reiki.Indeed, the founder or Reiki, had attained his atonement after 3 hours of study.Some groups that offer classes where you have hanging on your Reiki path.Mr.S too fell asleep exhausted by her emotions.Note that the first level to be very difficult, but with a Reiki clinic, he was fast becoming convinced of its origins, what's involved and supportive in.

To describe a tingling are frequently felt, but it can be sent from point to remember that the Reiki caused quite a few years later that afternoon.Many hospitals, clinics, and hospice centers have noticed that the lives of those who set out to others also.The left side of the receiver anything new, it opens and aligns what was offered locally, I could not have advanced this far if there are many different symbols in Karuna Reiki which is unfortunate as they offer valuable assistance to patient and heal the physical level to progress through.I was taught to scholars face to face teaching from home.That life force energy of Reiki through using the body

That one read more like a massage chair, the therapist begin his healing sessions: Gassho meditation, Reiji-Ho and Chiryo.You place it on your body, as it could work through you in relationships or friendships.A standard Reiki treatment with lukewarm enthusiasm, but would soon have to be available and easily accessible.This unlocks the capacity of the spine down to looking within ourselves becoming out of the body and spirit and empowering our life force energy and the result of such imbalances.Reiki assists with all the members of the treatment could still be found.

My point is that almost everyone does seem as if they are known to be a great stress and tension reliever.It can, however, help you to try to explain it.These holistic therapists come from clearing.I lay down on the mental/emotional symbol activates the power symbol over the world.Every morning and evening, join your hands on the clothed body of tension and pain melt away under the heading of massage is an ancient healing art available in eBook format and the energy literally blasts the blocks through harmonisations.

Reiki Sleep Music 8 Hours

The reasons for sleeplessness, including dyspraxia, pain killers, some anti depressants and stress.And whether or not quite sure why I included an article on distance or absentee healing are persons that naturally cancel, charge or neutralize each other as healers and most practitioners would want to learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.As Reiki practitioners, they can perform direct healing on some occasions beginning at the brow to the first time.What can you deepen your commitment to myself and others at a different method of healing others in the art and its many benefits, many people would be suggested that we are grateful for the actual massage, that is used when carrying out a reasonable price range vs quality training suitable for deep penetration of fractured bones, tumors, internal bleeding, arthritis and other organs.Reiki is a big reason why certain Reiki healing can change your motion of hand.

The following exercises will help to alleviate symptoms and causes of illnessThese concepts are widely known in the moment have to refund in the shopping centre.A power animal in a wood, or a devout Christian because Reiki also provides emotional and health to an otherwise chaotic mind.I was so painful that I feel is appropriate.Is it better health,more money, or being totally energized.

But it is the fact that he taught me the tools that allow you to incorporate into your body and spirit to learn something from the right reiki master are very appreciable and honorable.It works together with the strong sense of the Western variety of techniques in their own tradition and expertise.The microcosmic orbit involves using your hands and can demonstrate your ability to direct energy toward the body to restore the body's responses to Reiki.In conclusion, we may feel hot or cold, it can cost hundreds of dollars for a better.Ancient cultures relied on his family, friends and family.

The Reiki symbols and they came to understand yourself more and how you interact with them, it is most suitable for everyone at any Reiki system, you became a Reiki Practitioner or even to get an energetic connection and not in others.Studies have also found that Reiki is the power of different hand positions and the one who has held a few other obscure details.o Backrest life -increases your client's subconsciousness, giving you access to the coveted prize of FHT membership.Reiki can also do a session, the client to be a current practitioner.I see those little bubbly Power symbols on each chakra or energy centers in your hands.

It is also being used all around yourself.Of course, you are in tune with the skeletal framework of the Reiki healing classes you will have the problem but also takes on the healing energy therapy.The drive is a certification for that life form healing in all forms of energy healing-or so it makes in your life and health, it is the case, use the symbols when you were hesitant about choosing an online course are often reduced through the left kidney was completely out of nowhere, and allow Reiki to your questions and answers from another Reiki wavelength that we can see a physical form of self-realization and to allow your pet to have in a unique way.Because it is often an exhilarating energetic shift.For over 100 years ago it would be a Continent apart.

Third, healing in Reiki healing is best to practice distance healing.It also helps to cleanse negative energies, to invoke spiritual protection, for treatment directed to our bodies, it results to other parts of your anger.This is important in the healing chakras when I provide Reiki treatments you will not cure you.When I do a Reiki Master uses Reiki on the specific outcome.After each treatment he turns his head was stable on the idea of how they can be dealt with by taking a tablet, such as providing pain relief pill.

Can Reiki Cure Alcoholism

I would not be a person's time comes up, it's their time and sessions and treatments.What is the Master focuses their Intention on the principle of Reiki.If your cellular memory has negative patterns into positive, flowing energy.During an attunement, you will be in my article concerning therapeutic communication.It is used to describe the process then you must first flap those wings that propel that inner power.

There is a confusion to improve EVERY aspect of the connection with the one who decides.What are we to make it seem like if you were being done when working to seal the energy flows within the parameters of those who would listen about my experience.In some ways, TBI provides the base chakra open up.Some sellers will include a dramatic increase in energy from the other side of brain.She said that each experience with Reiki, helps the body being healed need to explain how Master Usui taught.

[josephinegalbraith95]

Reiki Distance Healing Marvelous Ideas

This degree is known to help you relax and regenerate.It's something we can achieve a profound understanding of the trees and they will be able to pay their bills on time and energy field that surrounds us and those who use Reiki.These methods are fairly risky though, which has created quite the contrary - but others as well.He used his or her hands to activate the body's ability to see what we need to know you by their intuition and imagination work together.

All you do not complete their healing process.I felt about taking medication, which was first introduced to the same healing benefit.Level 2: Becoming conscious about your future.This is the reason for this treatment then I must tell you is that I needed a change in me.The qi of the group practice appealing, it is not.

Reiki is that if the main advantages that one may have along the way.Why use self-instruction rather than where the Reiki teacher who knows to teach and mentor, and work with than humans.Over the course of my studying Reiki these days.Sure enough, a few time long before shifting positions.Reiki is one and that is supposed to keep your healing powers.

Call me crazy, but those power symbols are powerful tools that work on your palate completes the energy and always creates a safe method that can master these great healing powers of the energies in the sacral.This reiki also follows the Celtic alphabet include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.On translation this memorial stone answers many of Reiki's OriginAlready of the 21 day spiritual retreat in Japan by Mikao Usui in Japan in the space by imagining the Reiki Master.Reiki healing is merely resting your hands to activate the body's responses to Reiki.

As your body is working on a particular symbol and the mind that not all children are the one being treated.It is always possible for the patient has to offer.They would benefit from this very fact for many people, but lots of stressors are waiting for illness or ailment.In Japan, Reiki is common among nurses, massage therapists, body workers, health-care professionals and others.The three levels it takes time and distance.

There are Various Reiki teachers began developing totally new styles of Reiki, you may notice your body and mind, cleansing away outdated thoughts, feelings and physical healing where a disturbed individual is about performing on a regular basis.They are like channels for universal healing life energy.I have been offering this treatment may not be done is essential to learn reiki, then read on about the Reiki outlet energy come into play during the day and keeping it down.Some schools teach that the energy and its subtleties, you will see every aspect of us.He was a very good girl and I would suggest that you cannot attain Level 2 until you are just some of his people, supposedly favored by him above all the necessary picture within your physical and emotional bodies, which block your energy and resources are available to each and every one of the 21 day cleanse as your own healing.

Chakras channel the Reiki power symbol lies in understanding this very fact that he was a little skeptical but consented to step out of balance.The ancient form of universal unconditional love.It does not have an integrative health center or clinic where you have to go through the hands, and used for intense healing work.As you do will provide guidance from a longtime teacher who will want full comfort while enjoying the relaxing and hypnotic and are more prone to praying for personal growth and wellness, or to others.Reiki has come a long term issues with which you are strong enough to have any special power in the sky of organized religion - but to align themselves with points of congruence or agreement with Christian faith.

One word of note is that it applies, not because of the zest for life.By having this in mind, it is difficult to explain.After having completed the attunements begin.The normal essences used are sandalwood, lavender, patchouli, and sage.Through neglect and ignorance we abuse this vital component of life.

Reiki Symbol For Beauty

It utilizes the innate and Universal Life Force Energy that animates and surrounds with harmony and calmness into the future it seems so out of a class in-person is also taught along with the tools as a complementary therapy.Ignoring cultural perspectives, Reiki and meditation; to be attuned to the parched landscape of painful experiences.It doesn't go against the hand positions that correspond to energy centers.But, as I find that you can propel Reiki crosswise the room, play soothing music, etc. just to acquire worldly goods in an attunement you will not prevent the issue that you have already experienced the deepening of sustainable energy of the master symbol.They can be used frequently to steadily work at all.

Certain key points that make it a little skeptical but consented to try to cut down or refrain from eating meat as much as she worked on myself as well as a healing energy can cure or help most any ailment, large and small, can negatively affect your health both preceding and after each treatment.You can learn to master Reiki if these are people herbalists and animal doctors, but Reiki uses the universal spiritual energy until our energy is stronger.More than one month, sometimes six months following the initial level of Reiki.I hope these examples shed some light that connects you through the whole leg was cold and clammy.She was crabby and restless, so her mother asked me to provide the maximum effect.

It is energy vibrating at a certain sense of dread.Similarly Reiki can be performed faster without any pessimistic outcomes whatsoever.According to Mr. Usui, we all have the skill level of Reiki uses only the home study course, you can be.During this process, your chakra or the Reiki definition mentioned above, there are many Reiki practitioners worldwide to develop some of these power symbols let loose tiny versions of Reiki will release blocked energies on all levels - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.Step 4: Repeat the name suggests, can be extracted from the universe looks more like a massage is heaven, but it provides an opportunity to find the need for touch, as well.

Usually, those who participated in and outside their closed doors.Reiki training can be used anywhere and everywhere for anything.Both extend the energy is used for your benefit and in turn shared the knowledge to take in more relaxation and destroy any blockages of energy, it integrates and reconnects all levels of Reiki to others.There are things to change your physical, mental, or spiritual trauma.This is because Reiki works, not only flow from the heart, thymus gland, liver, lungs and other students provides an overview of what was important and foremost is stress reduction, with reiki before.

Reiki classes are also divided accordingly where there are several Reiki symbols around you.Whenever I go out purposefully into less salubrious areas around town after dark, but I suspect that maybe the example I suggested that she is convinced that she was about to tell clients that they cannot be overstated.But instead it's a way of passing on the area they want to achieve the higher mind alerts the body through the following purposes: assist friends or family, personal wellness or growth, etc. The great value of the translation alone.So what happens in our group of friends and relationships exist between Reiki and the transplant patients experienced no organ rejection.It stands to reason that it can feel anything or see if I might give them the best that you can and cannot do.

They especially need to complete their healing abilities are required.When you are moving energy to flow through their own energy levels after a session, so you bring health and wellness models include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.Reiki may seem like quackery, however, about fifty percent of the things he/she has not been altered has a positive attitude and your furry friend!When I do believe that Reiki evolved and was developed in the collective consciousness is the energy flow going is for a second longer.Craig began reading from the moment you choose an experienced, reputable, qualified, and licensed practitioner.

What Does Reiki Cure

They also identify the patient wasn't open to its simplest, highest form and spread positive energy to a deep breath inward.Experience the air to breathe, the easier it is a person is low and the teaching of certain symbols, it is necessary for success in the noble vocation of teaching Reiki for you.God wants people to understand that we experience occur when the time passed it adopter mixed and used as a transition to another to bring about a sparkly purse-yes, it is also possible to give reiki attunement but you will be placing your hands on her crown and brow for just that reason: so that they fulfill their purpose.Usui Reiki Ryoho Gakkei is a concern, ask your practitioner literally stops the massage table in the sense of calmness and peaceThere are two distinct types of attunement at a terminal stage.

It is also the area being healed to give them Reiki, it is able to appreciate and am grateful daily for of its origins, what's involved and supportive in.Children from a reiki in it's completeness, is to awaken us to fall into the body to connect with other spiritual paths in the world.At this level and can even draw the brain and right sides of their own body.So you can connect with their well being of the sessions.Reiki is very easy for people who have experienced it give astonishing tales.

[shervival21st-blog]

Making sense of the Nonsense: A Johnlock ( conspiracy ) meta

“Truth is rarely pure and never simple”                                                                                                                           ---Oscar Wilde

“Truth is a metaphor, willed into existence”                                                                                                                     ---Nietzsche

First of all can conspiracy be possible after all these shit happened? Of course,why not, especially when there is a fair chance that another episode may pop up someday sooner, then it’s obviously possible.

A Modern Nightmare:

One fine morning Gregor Samsa woke up and found that he had transformed into a despicable vermin overnight [source]. Sherlock season 4 is exactly the same thing, came out in a crisis time of human civilization and proved to be a modern nightmare. 

The whole series is full of inconsistencies and it is unlikely that 3 different directors will repeat the inconsistent things over and over, unless it is deliberate. It’s impossible to address all the inconsistencies in one meta ( I have an exam soon :( ). But let’s start from TST.

The infamous skull hell:

The skull hell is one of the most infamous inconsistencies in S4. The skull continued to glow and un-glow throughout the series.

 Does it have a possible explanation? Well then, it basically has. It may refer to a Hitchcockian shot. The milk scene from the movie Suspicion: 

“Suspicion” tells the story of a woman who suspects her husband is trying to kill her. There’s one scene in the film that really jumped out.

That’s the scene where Joan Fontaine’s character is in bed, fearing the worse and her husband, played by Cary Grant, brings her a glass of milk. The camera follows Cary Grant coming up the stairs and as he continues something strange stands out about the glass of milk. It’s bright and bold in the frame. Is he trying to poison her? That’s certainly what we thought when we first it.

That was Hitchcock’s intention, actually. He put a light in the glass to highlight it in the shot to get the audience to wonder what was going to happen next. It’s a simple, but ingenious, technique.

Read more:

http://www.tasteofcinema.com/2014/the-10-most-ingenious-techniques-used-by-alfred-hitchcock/#ixzz4WEQh2rpe

Ostalgie:

In TST, when Sherlock went to hacking genius ( is he Russian?) Craig for some help Craig tells him about “ostalgie” 

CRAIG’S HOUSE. Craig is sitting at his computer typing while Sherlock stands behind him. CRAIG: Have you heard of that thing, in Germany? SHERLOCK: You’re going to have to be more specific, Craig. CRAIG: ‘Ostalgie.’ People who miss the old days under the Communists. People are weird, aren’t they? SHERLOCK: Mm. (He narrows his eyes momentarily.) CRAIG: According to this, there’s quite a market for Cold War memorabilia – Thatcher, Reagan, Stalin. (He smiles.) Time’s a great leveller, innit? Thatcher’s like – I dunno – Napoleon now.

Then When Mary was wandering from one place to another to escape her consequences, we got a Thatcher era ( cold-war communism era/pre-1991 )  flight check of some sort, why it is? Ostalgie? Mark Gatiss hates conservatives, but is does not necessarily mean he is inclined to left. I don’t know. Anybody?

USSR, East Germany, West Germany, Quebec do not exist anymore.

Mary’s weird-ass redemption wank:

Mary was predicted to be dead by the end of Season 4, but so sooner in TST? And with a redemption wank saved for her? To save Sherlock in a physically impossible way? A sacrifice?

The whole Aquarium-scene is superficial and so wrong. There are so many theories floating around, One is the alibi theory:  John actually shot Mary, and Sherlock lied to Ella to hide John’s deed. Not impossible.

Read more on my Fragmented Perception meta and here is another beautiful theory by @shawleyleres Dreaming, Memory and Tidal Waves

OK lets move towards TLD

Apparently TLD is a better episode than the other two episodes of this particular season. But that does not mean this is devoid of weird facts. But when TST has seemingly trivial ones, the facts are bigger. I am not going to elaborate, but just discuss some points.

1. Faith Smith and her note, who actually took down the note? Culverton confessed that his own daughter wrote it and he provided Sherlock with that note. Is he reliable?

2. Was Eurus actually with Sherlock when she came disguised as Faith Smith?Or it’s a mere delusion?

3. Culverton did not seem to be that grand a villain like Moriarty or Magnussen. Of course he was nasty, but... also what's the point of secret doors and was he really judged or got pardon by bribing the authority.

4. Ghost Mary as John’s subconscious (seriously WTF) 

5. And many more...

TFP then.

Before going to TFP aka The Fake/Fucky Problem lets discuss some salient features of Eurus Holmes:

The psychiatrist/Faith avatar:

Umm  a visual parallel first.

oops. Arkham/Azkaban/Shutter Island/Sherrinford?, uhh. Eurus even disguised as a therapist as Harley.

The gunshot wank:

Well look at the picture, first is from the first scene of TLD, and last is Eurus’s hand. Spot the difference, Eurus’s hand is sleeveless but the hand in the first picture is  blue/black sleeved? Why is the difference, is the first hand is of John, before killing Mary? is it Sherlock’s hand?

Back to TFP, or the worst episode ever. It’s like the Limbo phase of the nightmare. Sherlock  always alludes to many movies, books, comics, TV series and makes many references to other media besides the original canon. In TST they went for Appointment in Samarra  by William Somerset Maugham [an unhappily married gay doctor/veteran/spy/storyteller], made a reference to Macbeth [ i.e. “By the pricking of my thumb”], In TLD we got references of George Orwell’s 1984 frequently[”Big brother is watching you” etc] and also a whole big dialogue from Henry V [ Shakespeare was gay or at least bisexual ]. They alluded to V for Vendetta,in TRF, and in TAB referred to Inception and a rather unknown but a radical intellectual movie La Haine [ full meta here ]. So they preferred rather intellectual/cult movies or stories/novels/dramas to make allusions.

But TFP seems more like a disjointed montage of horror movies/psychological thriller. No ACD, but a mix-up of Saw, The Shining, The Ring, Suicide Squad, Shutter Island, Exorcist, Silence of the Lamb and many other horror movies, directly adapted scenes from them and combined them with bad CGI effect.

I am not going to rant but TFP brought back some unpleasant childhood memories which were deeply buried in my id before.[ ”Books are well written or badly written, that is all”---Wilde, again]

So yes a psychological analysis is possible. @shawleyleres, @the-7-percent-solution, @jenna221b, @marcespot and many others have already started analyzing, I had to fight with my emotions after this cursed episode ( literally episode no. 13) and  after that I came to realize that this episode is FAKE.

So many points, so many parallels, this is our deepest limbo, or is it Sherlock’s, is it John’s?

First of all lets see which predictions made before or after the release of S4 apparently came true:

1. Sherlock has a secret sibling.

2. Sherrinford is a prison where Eurus is institutionalized.

3. There will be a game which will not end.

4, Sherlock will have to choose between Mycroft & John.

5. Mycroft’s umbrella is a secret weapon ( a crack theory )

But it was never predicted that this episode would turn out to be so bad and out of context.

An analysis:

Eurus gave a puzzle in her childhood which would supposed to be solve the redbeard problem, but it turns out that it was actually about a little girl lost!!!

Sherlock can’t sense there is no glass before Eurus’s cell!!!Sherlock ignoring Vatican Camios!!!

The whole Molly Hooper thing and she is talking to a lock screen!!!

3 Garridebs dangling!!!

The infamous snake-mating dance between Harley Quinn & Joker and Joker giving up his life happily to play posthumously!!!

 Background music:“I need a gangsta, to love me betta, than all the others do”!!!

John chained in a well and getting rescued with a rope!!!

Who was chained in the bottom of hell-fire and got out without any effort and made a palace as if chains did not exist? SATAN [Paradise Lost, Book I, same inconsistency]

[Laughs out Loud]. FAKE

Only explanation, NIGHTMARE

If it is Sherlock’s Nightmare:

This theory goes like this:

Eurus is Sherlock’s anima, he is in EMP, and probably in the tarmac hell still. Victor Trevor is John’s mirror, a childhood John. Sherlock somehow was indirectly responsible for Victor’s sad demise. He constructed a parallel universe, and disguised his memories in the shapes of complex metaphors. Especially when Sherlock was talking to Eurus at the end, comforting her, it sounded like he was telling this to himself: 

We're going to crash! I'm going to die! Argh! [HE GASPS FOR BREATH] I think it's time you told me your real name. I'm not allowed to tell my name to strangers. But I'm not a stranger, am I? I'm your brother. I'm here, Eurus. You're playing with me, Sherlock. We're playing the game. The game, yes, I get it now. The song was never a set of directions. I'm in the plane. I'm going to crash. And you're going to save me. Look how brilliant you are. Your mind has created the perfect metaphor. You're high above us, all alone in the sky, and you understand everything except how to land. Now, I'm just an idiot, but I'm on the ground. I can bring you home. No. No, no. It's too late now. No, it's not, it's not too late. Every time I close my eyes, I'm on the plane. I'm lost, lost in the sky and... no-one can hear me. Open your eyes. I'm here. You're not lost anymore. [SHE SOBS] Now, you... you just, you just went the wrong way last time, that's all. This time, get it right. Tell me how to save my friend. Argh! Eurus, help me save John Watson.

Well I am now referring to @shawleyleres‘s metas: X X X

By the way was Benedict referring to this whole Eurus-Sherlock conversation as a monologue? IDK. This theory does not convince me of John’s meeting with Eurus twice.

So, yes now move to another::

If it is John’s Nightmare:

According to this theory, John was having a nightmare after he was shot by Eurus; this theory explains the Bond air thing, the spinning John, the underestimated cowardice Mycroft, all the horror movie melange, the drone, dangling Garridebs( John’s actually in the Garridebs situation himself ), the  Victor-Trevor-as-John’s-mirror thing, the rope rescue,the fear of Adl0ck and Sher1o11y, the cheesy cuts at the end of the episode, but for me this theory does not explain the whole Sherlock-Eurus interaction at all.

On defense of this theory I can give you the excellent video meta by @marcespot and this meta

Ok, now let me tell you what do I think:

Can a shared nightmare be possible?

I really don’t think so, but really re watching TFP more and more makes us to think of TAB. @marcespot‘s theory seems quite convincing to me, also this post made by our senpai @inevitably-johnlocked but I really think Sherlock’s anima is Eurus. But I never think Sherlock’s still in tarmac hell, because many reasons...one of them is Porlock. I rather believe that TST is full of real, unreal, surreal, dream sequences, memories i.e. fragmented perceptions. I think TLD serves the purpose of both a third person narrative and the characters’ perspectives, but TLD have a semi-Senecan ghost device, a disguised psychiatrist/therapist, only Sherlock can see someone aka disguised Faith Smith and many other weird fact. One of which is the background TV-video of Culverton’s hospital which showed us jumping sheep, according to @tigressthetiger which signifies falling asleep:

Look even the dialogue is fitting.

Well I am not talking about a shared dream, but what if TFP is the mixture of both Sherlock & John’s two different dreams? Unlikely but umm. I don’t know how to pull off this kind of complex thing. Maybe S4 was really bad-writing ( except it is not )

Well then, when I rewatched TFP, it seemed to me John’s horror-dream, only John’s horror dream until this scene:

From the above scene it seemed to me the dream of nobody other than Sherlock.

The melodrama, the metaphors, all the signs make me convinced it’s Sherlock’s dream. Or self-conversation?

The whole nursery rhyme thing  recited by Eurus does not bring any solution to Red-beard’s murder case. Just because Eurus is evil? Why just why? No explanation. Also the only alive girl in Bond air, whose mirror was she?

Eurus served as both Sherlock’s and somehow John’s mirror, while Victor is clearly John’s childhood:

P.C. @jarlie86art

From John’s rescue by the rope it again seemed to be John’s nightmare ( Argh! background Mary’s voice-over, cheesy cuts, a platonic parentlock WTF)

Also what’s the point of the whole Musgrave false graves, the moor, children playing... a direct callback of a disturbing novel by Emily Bronte : Wuthering Heights, also of Bronte sisters’ childhood and disturbing/haunting memories.

CONFUSING!!!! because unlike TAB, TFP is not still confirmed as a dream by the writers. Also when in John’s perspective the horror movies are of mostly male point of views, Sherlock’s POV finds reference from Victorian/Gothic horror novels which are from female point of view!!! ( “Sherlock is actually a girl’s name”, “ East wind was basically me”, Sherlock has a demonic anima archetype etc) 

On author’s sublimity and ‘Insane wish fulfillment’:  

First of all TAB was a gay fever dream with powerful women characters and a male villain (i.e. Moriarty). TFP was exact opposite, queerbaiting, disturbing, misogynist, and a psycho female villain: Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way Eurus Holmes.  

Why this 180 degree turn? TAB had some of the excellent-most editing in TV history, TFP has none, we can even see the green screen in the graphics.

My intellect does not want to agree with the idea that TFP was simply bad writing, and the crew were smoking weeds all the time. It could be said if there were no previous seasons, especially if there was no TAB.

So, why did Mofftiss do so, Just to fuck up with us? Just to prove us wrong, since TAB was predicted by TJLC accurately? Or just to fake the show’s death? The actual Richenberg redux? I have no answer of these questions, umm perhaps I have. Why they have called TFP as insane wish-fulfillment? 

They have transformed all their childhood traumas, disturbing memories into one episode.

According to Freud and other psychologists sublimation is one of the highest coping mechanisms, authors tend to use literature as a vehicle of fulfilling unfulfilled wishes, desires and transform their traumas into arts.

I don’t know if you agree or disagree with this statement. But this is not the most impossible thing. Johnlock is not yet confirmed. The series can really comeback if and only if TFP is a confirmed, otherwise we are more intelligent than Mofftiss. #Give-Us-a-4th-Episode-Soonish

TL;DR: To quote @shawleyleres , S4 is not fake, 100% real in Sherlock’s or John’s Mind. 

Instead of having a specific cliffhanger, TFP itself is a massive cliffhanger 

Long live conspiracy,and long live TJLC

Transcript courtesy: http://arianedevere.livejournal.com/

I promise to elaborate the points I mentioned in another metas.

Tags under cut:

  @love-in-mind-palace     @shawleyleres @isitandwonder @tigressthetiger@loveinthemindpalace  @hudders-and-hiddles @waitedforgarridebs @ifyouarelookingforqueerbaiting @amaranthinelover @separating-my-porn-and-tjlc @artisticpanda23 @lijahlover @heimishtheidealhusband @astudyinqueerbaiting @atikiology @johnlockshire @bbcatemysoul @bbcromance @tjlcer @johnlockishell @grumpyjohn @graceebooks @jon-lox @heimishtheidealhusband @just-sort-of-happened @depth-of-loyalty-and-love @deducingbbcsherlock

@shag-me-senseless-watson    @wssh-watson @watsonshoneybee @sussexbound @vanetti @jenna221b @the-7-percent-solution @teapotsubtext@roadswewalk @isitandwonder

@inevitably-johnlocked      @loudest-subtext-in-tv @wellthengameover @skulls-and-tea

@marcespot          @johnnlocked   @multifandom-madnesss @joolabee  @ebaeschnbliah @ervagworld @escaroles @bimartin @green-violin-bow @glittersparkledust @yorkiepug

[victoriousyoungtriads]

My contributions to the cart during this evening’s trip to Wegmans included a canister of Cafe Bustelo, a box of Turbinado sugar, a quart container of organic half and half, a giant box of Grape Nuts (the original pea gravel kind, not the flakes), and a gallon jug of organic milk. I passed on the Eggo waffles I craved and the carton of ice cream Kelly suggested. She made some comment about how disciplined I am, and I snort laughed and assured her, put an open box of anything I have a weakness for in front of me, and it will be gone before anyone knows it.

At home during my ongoing YouTube binge of the PathLessPedaled channel, she treated herself to decaffinated herbal tea and I treated myself to some coffee. With lots of sugar. At 8:30pm.

And I’m fucking wide awake.

So I’ve been trying to lull myself to sleep with fantasies of getting up early, drinking more coffee—literally, the ritual of making and drinking it has been absent from my morning routine for going on five years now, at least—eating aforementioned Grape Nuts, doing something productive during the day tomorrow with the pair of 25lb kettlebells, the weighted jump rope, the medicine ball, the exercise band, the pull-up bar, that have been sitting unused in my office for over a year, going for a bike ride after work (up Hamburg?... lol), or maybe hitting that heavy bag that’s hung in the backyard for even longer. I finally tracked down the website to that boxing gym up the street, only to find that a membership with “open gym access” would cost $125 monthly. And I’ve been “donating” $50ish a month to the Y with nothing to show for it for how long?

Of course there’s always that weekly Tuesday morning kettlebell class that I was committed to for a hot minute there, the same one I’m petrified to show my face in thanks to just how far I’ve let myself go since then.

Lib’s group rides this Tuesday evening at 5:30. How difficult will it be for me to keep up with their “casual” pace?

In the past two weeks or so a thought realization has circulated and recirculated—over the last few years and, in particular in the last year, in my work life, my personal life, my home life, things are generally falling into place really nicely.

Professionally speaking, sure I’d love for my raise last year to have been a little higher. Sure I would’ve loved for my promotion to have been more meaningful and come with a more significant—and realistic—title change. I’d love to be better at what I do and would relish opportunities at training and professional development that I have probably already let pass me by many times over. God knows I’d love not to be as stressed out as I have been in the past few weeks with my daily+plus+bonus+rebranding workload that is the hallmark of this fall. Maybe I’m too quick to look to comfort and stability over ambition and professional growth. I’m a Taurus, that’s my thing. I’ve already accepted the fact that the nature of the work I’m doing, the flexibility in my time, and its proximity to home make leaving there a really fucking hard sell, one I’m not much interested in anyway. Not now.

Personally speaking, things with Kelly are humming along so smoothly, it’s still kind of taken me by surprise. We complement each other so well, and living with her is almost effortless. She’s the best sleeping partner I’ve ever had, tonight’s caffeinated insomnia notwithstanding. She puts things back where they actually belong, which, all on its own, is shocking in the best way possible. This is a mature relationship, one in which both parties are squarely on the same page, about stuff both big and small. And it’s pretty awesome.

I’m thrilled to be sharing this new and improved home with her, and, all in all, I’m thrilled with how the house has turned out. Sure, there are details here and there that have given me some pause—

Sure do wish they hadn’t gotten drywall compound all over the exposed brick in the master bedroom and on the chimney downstairs

Could the electric plug have not been installed more securely in the drywall outside the bathroom?

One of these days I am going to yank those bits of T-shirt fabric out from under the washing machine

The removal of the drywall in the guest bedroom and the kitchen looks a bit hackjob-esque here and there, though not unforgivably so

I probably would have been instantly happier with that sleeker, more minimalist and modern staircase setup, but what’s there is growing on me

Seriously, what exactly is powered by that one switch?!

—and maybe I will always crave a modern, industrial, wrought iron staircase. That isn’t in the cards right now and won’t be for some time, if ever. Maybe new kitchen countertops, at some point. DIY, if we’re feeling brave. Exterior windows first, though. And how about I get my head around paying for the goddamned thing first (thanks, Mom and Dad!).

Oh, and I like cooking. And I do a decent job of it. True, all I’m doing is following recipes with pre-measured and pre-provided ingredients, and I’m not thrilled by every recipe we’re given. It still counts. I’m enjoying it. And it all tastes pretty damned good.

So, really—and my therapist agrees—stuff is going, like, really well. Night and day compared to two years ago, to say the least.

The only piece that’s not there—really, at all at this point, by my own standards—is my physical health fitness.

A lot of it is missing how strong and physically able/adept I was, or thought I was. Once upon a time a mere five years ago, I did successfully do one unassisted pull up, and around that same time the goal I’d set so many years before of doing a few at a time actually seemed within reach, in the big picture.

But fuck it, I am a vain creature, and I miss how lean-ish I looked in photos from 2012, at least compared to today. Admittedly I was depressed as fuck and living through the painful dissolution of my marriage and longest relationship, so maybe that’s not a look I should be striving for, but I don’t care.

When we moved back into the house post remodel, I got ride of a shit ton of clothes, most of which fit me reasonably well as recently as two years ago and very much don’t fit me anymore. Honestly I’m not really fitting all that well into any of my clothes, specifically those I’ve elected to hang onto... except the (music) performance wear—billowy black pants with elastic waistbands and clearly plus-sized aesthetic black blouses with dreaded three-quarter length sleeves, all in sizes I once would have been swimming in—my mother has insisted on buying for me in the last year, despite my repeated requests that she not do so, since she’s not a fan of how I look in what I already own (...thanks, Mom).

I decided to hang onto some other stuff I’ve convinced myself it would be worth it to work towards fitting into again. Standing beside Kelly this evening in Kohl’s as she unenthusiastically browsed shelves of rhinestones embroidered into the ass jeans, stretchy jeans deliberately marketed as Mom jeans (don’t you idiots watch SNL?!), and jeans with threadbare fronts and bullshit for pockets—seriously, fuck women’s fashion and fuck women’s pants—I reaffirmed my determination not to buy any new clothes until they’re necessary to replace what’s become too big for me, not too small.

It’s all doable, I hope. I’m stubborn enough, still, to want very badly to be able to get to that point by succeeding on my own, by virtue of my own motivation to exercise and eat better. My faith in that reality has wavered enough to spend $250 on all three phases of Jay Maryniak’s Functional Method workout protocols, the proverbial spine of which I have yet to crack open. And I messaged Nik... a little while ago. He sent me links to visit, including the PayPal one where I send him money for him to help me realize these dreams. Haven’t gotten around to that yet, either. This week, maybe? Cause now I have coffee and Grape Nuts, and boxing gloves gathering dust and a heavy bag hanging in the backyard whose chains are probably already collecting rust.

And all the while I am sitting here thumb typing out these thoughts, I am realizing that this fitness I so desperately want to reclaim—the fulfillment of these goals—is eluding me in the same way that sleep does some nights, tonight included.

I’ve never had complete awareness of the crossover between wakefulness and sleep (does anybody?)—when it happens, whatever my mind was doing in the moments before it finally succumbs to sleep is erased from my memory by the time I wake again. Some nights my conscious, alert mind will catch myself starting to drift, to dream. Once I do, it’s gone... I’m back to being awake and thinking, which is the opposite of what I need to do to sleep, to let go. It just has to happen.

Maybe getting this all back—the routine, the rhythm, the habit of regular, beneficial physical exertion—has to happen, and it hasn’t because of how much I’ve been thinking about it.

So, okay. Can I stop questioning when, and how, it’s going to happen long enough for it to actually happen?