#because i am Definitely a Rational Human Being Who Makes Rational Decisions about how to spend their time

[thistaleisabloodyone]

yamasho•riku•takahide•rui•shogo

[panlight]

In my humble opinion, Bella wasn't compassionate towards anyone during Eclipse, not just Charlie.

Now, it would have been really cool if this shift in her character coincided with her decision to become a monster... But that would have taken too much thought and effort for our poor, dear SM.

Oh, yeah, she's definitely not at her best in Eclipse. Really, all three of the main characters are at their worst in Eclipse.

Bella's being unfair to Charlie, whose dislike of Edward is completely rational and reasonable at this point. This isn't some misogynistic dad who doesn't want his daughter to date thing. It's THIS SPECIFIC GUY seems to drive her to dangerous extremes and he doesn't like it. That's fair!

She's stomping her foot about how unfair it is she has to get old, when literally everyone in the world except like 10 people she knows have to get old, and the two people she claims to love most--Edward her boyfriend and Jacob her best friend--both think immortality sucks and WISH they could get old, so it's really insensitive.

She makes absolutely no effort to understand Rosalie (though to be fair, Rose isn't great at seeing things from Bella's POV either), and dismisses her warnings about how being a vampire isn't that great with "I'll never want anything more than Edward."

It WOULD have been cool if this attitude did come from 'deciding' to become a vampire/monster. She's fully committed, all in, so she can't accept that immortality might be bad, or that giving up humanity and possibility is meaningful, because she has Decided.

I've also seen ideas before that maybe that James bite has affected her, sort of started to make her mind more vampiric, seeing things from the vampire's side, thinking immortality has no downside, not being bothered by the idea of drinking blood forever at all, distancing herself from the few humans she actually likes (Angela) because she knows she's going to cut ties in a few months anyway.

But I don't think SM had any deeper meaning here. It's about the Drama. Everyone is behaving in a way to bring the most melodrama and angst. Jacob and the kisses. Edward disabling her car and having Alice 'kidnap' her. If this were an Am I the Asshole? thread the answer would probably be "Everyone Sucks Here."

[hedgehogsonice]

Been thinking about this passage from an interview with Ruben Gallego in the NYT since I saw it. Not only does he not answer the question later on, I kind of understand why he doesn’t.

I’m not sure there is an answer to the question “how do you convince a person that someone is actively out to get them, who is telling them that to their faces, and all that person hears is ‘well they must mean someone else’s?” That’s not even someone being tricked into doing something, that is an informed choice they are making.

In DBT there’s a lot of hay made about the difference between Right vs. Effective: that you can be correct or on the right side of a situation, but at the cost damaging the interpersonal relationship at hand because you’re not validating the other side, versus focusing on being interpersonally effective, making the other person feel heard. The flaw in this distinction and practice, as many many people have pointed out about DBT, is that it places the onus on the person who is correct to manage both their reaction and the reaction of someone who is, by definition, not responding rationally. There then becomes no responsibility for the other person to engage in that same practice unless they choose to.

This all reminds me of that: how can you be right or effective when the emotion that needs validating is unpredictable, unsolvable (because it’s not like deportations have stopped or lessened in the past 20 years, there is no upper limit to the amount of deportations people seem to want), and fundamentally hostile to any other perspective? I’m of the camp that’s totally comfortable saying “we told you so”, because I’ve seen the limits of interpersonal effectiveness in my own life, and have seen people suffer from decisions they made refuse to change perspective on how or why they got there. That doesn’t make them less than human, but they also definitely think that I am less than human- being right vs effective only goes one way if the other party has no frame of reference, or does and chooses not to engage.

Anyway, I think the only healthy way to view the next however many years is to start from the position “the American electorate was wrong for what it wants and will continue to be wrong until it doesn’t want these things anymore”. If the alternative is acquiescing to any of this shit, then all the better. “Isn’t this basically The Benedict Option for leftists” yes but those guys were doing it from the wrong direction and for, like, Opus Dei shit, I’m doing it so me and everyone around me doesn’t have to live in terror of their life being turned upside down by the feds for being pro-Palestinian or black or wanting free healthcare or a union or even a Maoist insurgency, idk who cares 1st amendment.

[recurring-polynya]

If you could pick just six Bleach characters for the story to focus on, who would they be?

Not sure how anyone could ask me this and think the answer was not going to be the Six Hearts crew, but the answer is, in fact, the Six Hearts crew.

For the most part, I really like Bleach the way it is. I am not a beefer with canon. At least for the first half to two-thirds of it, I find that Bleach has just about an optimal mix of main character focus to interesting side character ratio. I like that it sprawls. I like that a lot of side characters have really rich and interesting back stories that the main narrative gives you little bites of, but leaves the rest to the imagination and/or filler materials. I like stories that give you a lot of space to write fanfiction.

Now, the back half of the Winter War and nearly all of the TYBW did, in my opinion, sprawl too much. The Fake Karakura Town arc used up all my patience with the pillar fights and I spent the rest of it going "get back to Hueco Mundo, already." I definitely would have liked the TYBW to focus more on the core group of characters.

On the whole, though, I like that core the way it is. To be honest, it wouldn't be Bleach in any other way.

Ichigo is the heart of Bleach. His struggles are the themes of the narrative. He is not an everyman character. He is someone who cares so much about the world that he wants to save everyone, but at the same time, he understands and fears the weight of that obligation. His ability to empathize with his enemies-- his inability not to-- is what sets him apart from every other shounen protagonist.

Sometimes I see fanfic where someone else gets stabbed and given shinigami powers other than Ichigo and it's always worse. The only character I accept being swapped in for him is Orihime, and, frankly, that only works in a fanfiction, meta-narrative context, primarily because you need a much better depth of character to be a really good love interest, and I don't think Ichigo has what it takes. Orihime does, though! All of the forces in Bleach pull Ichigo toward the path of battle, but Orihime's stalwart pacifism and unwavering belief in him are the strings that tie him to the world, that keep him human.

I suppose you could swap out one of Ichigo's other school friends for some other member of the Six Hearts crew and probably have it still be okay, but I wouldn't, because their existing dynamic is perfect to me. Uryuu is Ichigo's Classic Shounen foil, but he legitimately challenges him constantly and forces him to think critically about what he's doing. Chad is so full of love and heart and birds land on him like a Disney princess. He is there to balance everyone else's manic energy, except that he's only marginally more thoughtful than the rest of them, so he does not interfere with the general air of stupidity. A lot of people wish Tatsuki had gotten powers. While I don't love the way she is sort of left hanging, I am not sure that she would improve the dynamic. Perhaps it's because she isn't given powers, but she always seems to represent fear to me, the sort of bad-side of attachments that prevents the sorts of leaps of faith the other characters are so inclined towards. The Six Hearts crew being made up of objectively smart people who make absolutely idiotic decisions based on their hearts is the crux of Bleach, and I think Tatsuki brings sort of a rational energy that really dampens the mood.

Rukia is Rukia. Rukia is The Character of All Time. Rukia is the catalyst that sets all else in motion. The other reason that I don't really like Bleach main character swaps is because the decision to illegally give all her powers to some kid she just met, using a maneuver that she probably read in the appendix of a textbook somewhere and involves stabbing him is not a thing most people would do. It is a thing Rukia would do. The way Rukia trains Ichigo and the things she expects from him and the things she expects from herself and from Soul Society are fundamental to the narrative. Rukia stays.

There are many people that would argue for swapping Renji out of the core cast, but I think, for the sake of Rukia's character, it is absolutely essential that there's another shinigami character along for the ride. Rukia is friends with the Karakura kids, but she is not one of them. She is not a teen. She is an undead adult who has deep ties to Soul Society and the Gotei. The culmination of her character arc all ties to Soul Society: becoming vice-captain and then captain, making bankai, earning her brother's acceptance, reconciling with her childhood friend/love interest. Several of the anime filler arcs have her living in Ichigo's closet again and hanging out with the kids, and I think her character suffers for that.

Anyway, thinking over other shinigami characters, there's no one I would pick over Renji. He fits right into the rest of the crew, both powers and personality-wise. He's cool and strong and good-looking, but he's also a simp for Rukia, and Rukia deserves that. Also, he's a high-ranking Gotei officer, which is often convenient for plot purposes. Most importantly, he is my chief blorbo and I love him, the end.

[tayfabe75]

Swift: That's the best. I want to hear current things, too, to update me on where the artist is. I was wondering about lyrics, and where you were lyrically when you were making this record. Because when I was making Folklore, I went lyrically in a total direction of escapism and romanticism. And I wrote songs imagining I was, like, a pioneer woman in a forbidden love affair [laughs]. I was completely… McCartney: Was this "I want to give you a child"? Is that one of the lines? Swift: Oh, that's a song called "Peace." McCartney: “Peace,” I like that one. Swift: "Peace" is actually more rooted in my personal life. I know you have done a really excellent job of this in your personal life: carving out a human life within a public life, and how scary that can be when you do fall in love and you meet someone, especially if you've met someone who has a very grounded, normal way of living. I, oftentimes, in my anxieties, can control how I am as a person and how normal I act and rationalize things, but I cannot control if there are 20 photographers outside in the bushes and what they do and if they follow our car and if they interrupt our lives. I can't control if there's going to be a fake weird headline about us in the news tomorrow. McCartney: So how does that go? Does your partner sympathize with that and understand? Swift: Oh, absolutely. McCartney: They have to, don't they? Swift: But I think that in knowing him and being in the relationship I am in now, I have definitely made decisions that have made my life feel more like a real life and less like just a storyline to be commented on in tabloids. Whether that's deciding where to live, who to hang out with, when to not take a picture — the idea of privacy feels so strange to try to explain, but it's really just trying to find bits of normalcy. That's what that song "Peace" is talking about. Like, would it be enough if I could never fully achieve the normalcy that we both crave?

November 13, 2020: Taylor chats with Paul McCartney about her song 'Peace'. (source)

[justcallme-oleen]

"Once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you."

— Tyrion Lannister, series of Game of Thrones

RESILIENCE

The complexities of personality have always fascinated me, and I can’t help but notice how characteristics like strengths and flaws can coexist and harmonize within me. I am the spitting image of my parents, who unfortunately never loved each other, and within me exists a representation of what could have been if they had stayed together.

Growing up, I often heard how much I resembled my mother—in the way she walked, the way she talked, and how she interacted with everything around her. I am like my mother: kind, passionate, and caring. I’ve even realized that I compulsively stress about everything and can use that stress to my advantage—just like her. Yet, the glorified version of others' perceptions of my personality is a camouflage for what truly lies within. To my half-siblings and my mother, I am the romanticized version of my father: the quiet one, the cautious one, the emotionally absent one, the rational one, the unambitious one. All of these traits are criticized as though they are the blandest food you've ever eaten—viewed as a passerby, a lonesome person to be wary of. You know the type: the silent bomb that ticks without a counter. The opposite of my mother.

So, when my parents finally mustered the courage to address the void in their relationship, I wasn’t surprised in the least that things would spiral downward.

Not to be that person who dumps their "life trauma" in essay form, but I have my own way of narrating who I really am. Most people expect me to be emotional about these "types" of matters, but that’s what sets me apart. I perceive myself as hopeful and optimistic—the person who can find a silver lining in everything, even when there’s chaos and fire engulfing the village. I am creative, and words are my greatest asset in expressing whatever there is to express. I am intuitive, able to shape and align myself with what I need to be. I am honest, because I believe no one deserves to be deceived by their own wrongness. I love deeply, believing that everyone deserves to be loved as a human being. I can be the advocate for fairness and kindness, the one who stands up for you when there is foul play. I am a blank sheet of paper, an empath; write me a thousand words and expect me to keep them sealed in a bottle. I am a keeper. I am free. And most of all, I am my own person. Even if the world were to turn its back on me, I would still believe in what I live for—because I am with me. I am the author of my own character, the one who can stand as an elephant in the room and a flower on the ground. All of this is because I view myself as both flawed and right—I am the definition of my own complexities.

Hereditary traits or genetics do not confine me to what others envision me to be. I have a deep appreciation for the art of life, which guides me (and us) in shaping ourselves through the obstacles we encounter along the path. I have made decisions in my life that have led me here, whether for better or worse, and I am simply glad that I get to experience life itself. Each step, each stumble has strengthened my core further while also allowing God to fill the spaces within me that need to be occupied. I have sprained my legs and ankles moving up and falling down the stairs to get here.

And even if eventually, I'll have to start again, I am prepared. I’ve learned that life’s complexities are not just something to navigate but something to embrace. They make me who I am, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. In the end, I am more than just the sum of my parts—I am a testament to the strength that comes from understanding and accepting every piece of who I am.

[moisummertime]

The concept of energy exchange during sexual activity is often associated with spiritual or metaphysical beliefs, and is not supported by scientific evidence.

That being said, some people believe that sexual activity can create a flow of energy between partners, which can have various effects on their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Some believe that this energy flow can be affected by factors such as the quality of the relationship, the level of trust and intimacy between partners, and the intensity and duration of sexual activity.

In some spiritual or metaphysical beliefs, sexual energy is believed to be a powerful force that can be harnessed for various purposes, such as healing, personal growth, or spiritual enlightenment. Some practices, such as tantra or Taoist sexual practices, emphasize the cultivation and exchange of sexual energy as a means of enhancing physical and spiritual well-being.

Human connection is always fascinating to me. throughout my young adult-adult life I've been with some people that I build some intimacy with and every time, I feel like I could connect to their emotional realm. It's honestly weird, but I somehow know that they're calculating, thinking, and trying to make decision which will affecting how we will interact in the future. I wonder if the fact that I also a Literature graduate who can read between the lines, see and notice the shift in the way they talk and text, but still the gut feeling was so strong I fell sick last week lol Work def one major thing that screw up the whole system that I got. And having the gut feeling telling you that something's just don't go right about someone also extremely draining. The idea of exchanging energy through intimacy is definitely connect you with a person on different level. You can feel the vibration, you can see things clearer when everything shifts. It's very much exhausting to see things change before your eye, for sure

. But at the other side of the coin, it's something that I've been though a lot. I've seen the pattern, so I know it when it's coming. And I can rationalized the situation as I've observed this throughout the way, from the beginning to end. And that's when the logic, acceptance, and surprisingly, love, kicked in, then is not just some act of kindness, it's caring. It's putting someone's need above mine, and it's not something egoistic situation where I'd force what I want to him.

I dated so much while Im here and I feel like "If you don't give me what I want, then bye." all the time. In this connection my instinct taken over the steer and I let it to drive me towards the unknown. I never want to put anything on it, as it's simply a beautiful connection with a beautiful human being. To me, it grows without force, expectations, hidden agenda or negative intentions. I let the universe just lead me the way. I surrender and let things to go in unexpected ways. And regardless of the outcome of it, life once again show me some learnings that Im grateful for. I haven't written anything in this ToV as long as I write here. This warm and fuzzy feeling about this situation is interesting to experience. Whether because I'm now older and and have learned so much about life or not, it feels like I am now just different...

Im so grateful for this <3

[wisterialilies]

Daki as Tanjiro’s sister

————————————————————

I saw this fanart a while back of Daki being Tanjiro’s sister instead of Nezuko. It was super cute and I thought ‘Hey, why not make some headcanons about it?’. So, here I am with my headcanons! I did this purely for fun, and it may not be perfect or anything, but I hope you guys enjoy! <3

————————————————————

To start off, Daki is rather hot-headed, unlike Nezuko with her gentle demeanor.

She’s definitely a handful for her family.

Daki is the type who’d like to tease her younger siblings.

But she’s really overprotective of them as well.

If someone makes one of her siblings cry, or even so much as utter one nasty word at them, it’s instant sister bear mode.

She’s not one to shy away from physical altercations if it means protecting her family.

There’ve been several occasions where Tanjiro had to go apologize to the family of some person she’d ‘roughed up’.

Of course, that also meant getting scolded by him as well.

Reprimanding aside, Daki absolutely loves being coddled by Tanjiro.

She goes to town with him when she’s not busy helping out with house chores, and there’s always a group of admirers waiting for her.

And why wouldn’t there be?

She’s a true beauty after all.

Daki sometimes receives makeup and accessories of sorts from her admirers.

They’re by no means expensive, high-quality items since hardly anybody in the village would be able to afford them, but Daki still appreciates them.

She’ll take them back home and let everyone have fun with a ‘makeover’ night.

When Muzan attacks her family, she does her absolute best to protect her mother and siblings.

But, of course, what chance does a mere human have against the very first demon?

Her last thought as a human was just her being thankful that Tanjiro wasn’t there, and was hopefully somewhere safe.

After her transformation into a demon, she becomes extremely clingy and protective of Tanjiro.

Okay, so, remember how Yushiro called Nezuko a hag?

Let’s say he makes the unwise decision of saying the same thing to Daki.

She and Tanjiro will turn around to see if there’s someone behind them.

Because surely Yushiro wasn’t referring to her, right?

Right??

It takes a moment for the two to grasp the fact that his words had indeed been aimed at Daki.

Yushiro would later swear that he heard Daki’s rationality something snapping.

Forget about Tanjiro coming to his sister’s defense.

He’ll be too busy using all his strength trying to hold her back from clawing the other demon’s face.

How dare he call her a hag?!

If it weren’t for her muzzle, his ears would’ve been bleeding by now from all the curses she’d be spewing.

Yushiro better get on his knees and apologize soon, otherwise once Tanjiro loses his grip on Daki, he’ll get to experience firsthand what hell feels like.

By the time Tanjiro meets Zenitsu and Inosuke, Daki is still fuming from Yushiro’s insult.

So Zenitsu’s instant adoration we might as well consider it worshiping at this point towards her makes Daki feel much better.

Not that she’ll let it show though.

He’s a weirdo, no matter how much he vies for her attention and showers her with praises.

But maybe, just maybe, he had stirred her interest when he had protected her/her box from Insokue’s attacks at the tsuzumi demon’s house.

Speaking of Inosuke, Daki loathes him.

He’s way too rambunctious and muscle-brained for her liking.

Not to mention, she feels threatened by his looks.

How dare he look so pretty!

She’s supposed to be the attractive one of the group!

She does her best to tolerate him though, since he’s Tanjiro’s friend and he can help protect him during fights against demons.

Back when she had been a human, Daki took great pride in her hair.

She did her best to maintain it and only allowed her family members to touch or handle it.

Even then, she was extremely careful about what she let them do to her hair.

As a demon, she still held much pride in her hair.

Except, now the only person who could touch it was Tanjiro.

On some nights, when Tanjiro wasn’t busy fighting demons, she would let him comb her hair.

It wasn’t much, but it still gave them both a sense of semblance of their old life.

For that short moment, as her brother ran the comb through the silken strands of her hair, Daki would close her eyes and recall the sounds of her siblings’ laughter as they played, as well as the sound of their mother cooking dinner for them all.

When the sound hashira steps into the picture, Daki is most displeased.

Not only does he go around loudly proclaiming he’s some sort of god, he also dared to ruined her brother’s looks by layering so much makeup onto his face.

She nearly fainted when she saw what had been done to Tanjiro!

After letting out a few angry ‘hmph!’s at Uzui, she proceeds to show him how it’s really done.

It takes a while, but with her eye for beauty and previous experience using makeup, she’s able to transform Tanjiro into the oh-so-beautiful Sumiko.

Proud of her work, Daki graciously beautifies Zenko too.

Of course Zenitsu is ecstatic about having her so close and doing his makeup.

As for Inosuke, well…

She still hadn’t gotten over how pretty he was, so she purposefully lets her hand slip up here and there.

Uzui has to snatch the makeup brush away before Inoko becomes a lost cause.

Thanks to Daki, Sumiko and Zenko have no problem getting taken into the brothels.

But she’s bitter when she hears how Inoko was still able to catch the eye of a brothel manager.

Next time, she swears she’ll make him look so ugly, Uzui will have to beg the brothels to take him in.

When her brother and his comrades encounter the Upper Moon siblings, Gyutaro and Nezuko, Daki worries.

She remembers what happened to that flame hashira when he went against Upper Moon 3.

But she’s determined to protect her older brother no matter what.

Somehow, Daki has a feeling that as long as they have each other, everything will be fine in the end.

[thefanficmonster]

Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre:  Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult. 

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better. 

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face. 

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions. 

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery. 

Wait, hold up, it gets worse. 

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that. 

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance.  I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

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[makeste]

Do you think Deku will ever get mad at All-Might for keeping so many secrets from him? Deku has been giving All-Might free passes on things he should have known about like AFO, previous holders of OFA and now that Tomura is Nana's grandson. It feels like AM needs to be held accountable at some point.

I think it’s likely; he’s gotten fairly mad at him about this before, back when All Might hid the truth about his falling-out with Nighteye.

and he’s probably going to feel a bit betrayed at the realization that All Might is still keeping things from him even after this conversation. and it’s not like it’s just small things, either; these are some pretty major things that Deku is still getting blindsided by as a result of All Might’s secrecy. it feels like AM hasn’t really learned his lesson at all and is still Dumbledoring his way through this mentorship.

but the thing is, I can understand All Might’s point of view here as well, and I get why he keeps doing it, even if I don’t agree with it. I’ve been meaning to write a post about this anyway, especially since it ties into the matter of the Fourth OFA User and his quirk, so let’s take a look at All Might’s ever-growing List of Secrets, because there’s a pattern there.

1. OFA

starting with the big one. now obviously Deku is very much in on this particular secret. however it is still a secret from just about everyone else, and it’s probably the one secret that All Might has been the most adamant about keeping, going to increasingly elaborate lengths even as it becomes more and more obvious that all of these efforts are eventually going to prove futile.

the thing is, it’s pretty obvious why he’s been trying so hard to keep the truth of Deku’s quirk hidden. OFA paints a huge target onto Deku’s back, one that would attract notice not just from the villain side, but from the hero side as well. OFA is basically the ultimate prize. it’s probably the most powerful quirk in existence, aside from AFO. and once word gets out that this power can be passed on to literally anyone simply at will, things could start getting very ugly.

Deku would suddenly come under pressure from all sides, with people trying to use and control him (well, I say “people”, but mainly I mean the HPSC sob). that’s if they see him as a useful tool and a weapon in the battle against the League, mind you. but if they decide that he’s not, or that he’s not ready, there would instead be pressure for him to give up OFA to a “worthier” candidate. either way, Deku himself isn’t going to be taken into account. his thoughts, his feelings, what he wants, what he deserves; none of that is going to matter to these people.

and these are the good guys, mind! that’s not even mentioning the villains, who have already destroyed an entire city in pursuit of him. Deku is in a lot of danger now. and so far, Tomura/AFO have been surprisingly honorable in their attempts to get ahold of OFA, in that they’ve been targeting Deku directly. but AFO is a notoriously underhanded guy, and it concerns me that there are a ton of more underhanded methods still on the table for him to try out. because we’ve already established that Deku is notoriously self-sacrificing. I mean literally notorious, as in both his friends and enemies alike have all picked up on this trait and made a note of it. so imagine if Tomura ever decides to take hostages, for instance. “give me OFA or I’ll kill so and so.” then what?? jesus.

so yeah, all in all it’s pretty clear why All Might has been exceedingly careful about keeping OFA a secret even from most of Deku’s allies. this isn’t even getting into the whole U.A. traitor thing as well, but I mean, you get the idea, right? the reason All Might has gone to such lengths to keep OFA a secret is to protect Deku.

2. AFO

and now we get to the first of many things that All Might kept hidden from Deku himself! and these are generally going to be a lot harder to defend. like yeah, you probably should have told this barely-pubescent child that that the quirk you were giving him came prepackaged with a built-in mortal enemy, All Might. might want to actually lead with that part next time.

so why didn’t he tell Deku about AFO? well first of all please understand that I’m not trying to justify this decision, lol; I’m just trying to rationalize it from All Might’s point of view. he was less than six years removed from his fateful battle with AFO in which the both of them were gravely injured. and yes, he said that he believed AFO had died from his wounds; but if he really thought that was true, why didn’t he listen to Nighteye and pass OFA on to someone else back then? why did he stubbornly stay in the field for as long as he could? his actions just don’t line up. if he really thought AFO was dead, you’d think he would have been able to retire in peace, as there wouldn’t have been such a great need for the Symbol anymore.

so honestly, what I’m learning towards here is that he didn’t really believe it, deep down. but once his powers really started to wane, he felt like he had no choice but to pass the quirk on to someone else and just hope for the best. and then, once he met Deku, I think he really started to want to believe it was true. because he empathized with Deku and he saw himself in him, and he wanted to give him that chance. Deku wanted so badly to be a hero, and All Might saw that he had the heart and the spirit of one, and only lacked the physical ability. and there All Might was, with a quirk he could bestow on him that could potentially make his dream come true. he wanted to believe he could do that. he convinced himself that the threat of AFO really was nonexistent -- after all, it had been six years! -- and that it wasn’t a burden he was passing down onto this child anymore, but a gift.

and so he didn’t tell Deku about AFO because he wanted to believe it wasn’t something Deku needed to know. so in this case it wasn’t just Deku he was essentially lying to, but himself as well. so yeah, not the best rationale in the world, but a very human mistake for him to make, and one that once again has its roots in wanting to protect Deku. or more precisely in this case, wanting to protect Deku’s dream. he wanted to believe it was all right for him to hand down this power which he so strongly believed that Deku deserved.

3. the Vestiges

honestly it’s a bit up in the air whether or not this one was really a secret, because All Might genuinely didn’t seem to realize that the Vestiges were conscious inside of OFA. or so he says at any rate. regardless, I’m going to include it in the list because he was definitely acting pretty cagey about the subject back during the sports festival, and I’ve never been fully satisfied with his explanation.

if you ask me? I think one of the reasons why he didn’t want to discuss this more in depth with Deku back then was because he was afraid it might inadvertently lead to some other topics that he wasn’t yet ready to discuss.

the idea of the previous OFA users living on inside the quirk is comforting in some ways, but that’s also a conversation that inevitably leads to the subject of AFO and AFO’s brother just for starters. not to mention Nana, whose death was deeply traumatizing for him and which I don’t think he was emotionally prepared to bring up just yet.

but I think the biggest factor that led to All Might being mum about this was the fact that he himself was included among the Vestiges. because I’m thinking he might have been a bit paranoid about avoiding a conversation like this:

All Might: “hey Midoriya-shounen, I just wanted to let you know that those weird little shadow figures you saw during your fight were the ghosts of the previous users of OFA, who are all living on inside of the quirk. my master once told me, 'even if I die one of these days, we can always meet again inside One for All.' so you know, that’s nice.”

Deku: “huh okay, so you’re telling me I have the souls of eight other people trapped inside my quirk, well that’s pretty trippy but I’m a weird little boy who lives for this kind of wild quirk shit so I’m okay with it! but it’s not like it matters though anyway since you’re still here to guide me haha! it’s not like you have any reason to suspect that might not be the case in the very near future, right?”

All Might: “...right.”

so yeah. once again, the reason for All Might keeping this a secret is because he doesn’t want to burden Deku. spoiler alert, the next two secrets also have the exact same reasoning behind them. in fact I’m just going to go and lump them both together.

4. Sir Nighteye, and 5. Sir Nighteye’s prophecy

so #4 is the one that actually finally set Deku off in the scene I posted earlier lol. and yeah, All Might should have told Deku, especially since it was inevitable that Deku was going to find out anyway. once he learned about Nighteye and All Might’s falling-out, him finding out about the prophecy was a given. and so once again I want to stress that I’m not actually trying to defend All Might’s decision here lol. just trying to relate to it.

anyway but that said, the reason why he didn’t tell Deku is pretty straightforward: he didn’t want to burden Deku with that knowledge. he knows Deku looks up to him. he knows that Deku looks to him for support. and All Might has spent his entire career doing everything he could to be that strong support for everybody, for the entire nation. he wants everyone to feel secure and safe. he wants nothing more than to be able to keep them safe. and it’s so hard, when you have that mindset, to let yourself show weakness and allow the cracks to show and to admit and accept that you can’t protect people from everything, no matter how bad you want to.

how do you tell the kid you’re mentoring, the kid who’s come to depend on you for so much, that there’s a good chance you might not be around much longer? that there’s a good chance he’ll be left to deal with everything all on his own, the same way that you were? how the hell do you even begin to approach that conversation? especially knowing what kind of person Deku is, on top of everything else. for a hero, someone who’s dedicated their whole life to helping and protecting others, nothing is more devastating than being told that something terrible is going to happen, and that no matter what, there is nothing you can do to change that fate. that alone would have been reason enough to not want Deku to know. he didn’t want him to experience that kind of helplessness.

and Deku is still just a kid!! Nighteye, a fully grown man and a hero with years of experience, completely fell apart after that prophecy. meanwhile Deku just started hero school less than a year ago. he’s only sixteen. he is far, far too young to have to deal with all of this. yes, he needed to know, both as a matter of trust and as a matter of practicality. but the fact that he needed to know is pretty fucking cruel on the universe’s part, and I get why All Might was so reluctant to tell him. I get it.

side note!! I feel like it’s worth mentioning that this one is still a secret as far as a certain other person goes. like, I feel that’s pretty noteworthy. pretty much every other person who knows about OFA also knew about Nighteye’s prophecy, including Rat Principal, Recovery Girl, Gran Torino, and Nighteye himself. (although it’s not clear whether or not Naomasa knows, come to think of it. but it’s likely, since All Might probably physically can’t lie to him lol.) and of course, Deku now knows as well.

but aside from Naomasa, there is one other person who’s notably missing from that list.

Kacchan knows about OFA and AFO, but neither All Might nor Deku have told him about the prophecy. even though Katsuki has firmly elbowed his way into the OFA Scooby Squad and knows about all sorts of other things including SIXQUIRKS and the Vestiges and all that jazz, and he’s been helping Deku train and has been included in pretty much everything for months now, he still doesn’t know about this.

and honestly, this might be the one time where I actually agree with All Might’s decision. I say that as someone who loves Katsuki to pieces and very much wants him to find out about this, because I’m mean and because I love angst. but once again, I get it, though. because you probably don’t want to tell the kid who was thinking this...

...that at the time, when you came to save him back at Kamino, you were thinking something like this:

yeah. I’m just saying. I don’t think it does Katsuki much benefit to know that All Might originally went out to Kamino fully expecting that it would be his last battle, and fully prepared to die the horrible death that Nighteye foretold. like, on the one hand there’s definitely an argument to be made that Katsuki should know about the prophecy just so that he’s prepared in case anything does happen, because he would then be the one to have to step up and replace All Might as Deku’s primary support. (and this is something All Might already seems to have been grooming him for in recent months, which is a bit of a red flag as far as All Might’s mortality prospects are concerned, but that’s another discussion for another day.)

but on the other hand, Katsuki is a pretty smart kid. and if and when he does find out about this, there’s a good chance he’s going to connect the dots and realize that Kamino was actually a hell of a lot riskier than All Might ever let on. and there’s close to a 100% chance that he starts blaming himself all over again if he ever learns that. I don’t think it would set him back too much, because he’s made a lot of progress, but I do think that even now it’s still something that he feels a lot of responsibility for. and so really this is just an additional burden that he doesn’t need to be carrying on his shoulders. Deku’s not the only one who’s still just a kid.

anyway! so tl;dr this is yet another case where All Might was keeping something a secret because he didn’t want to burden Deku. and is, in fact, STILL keeping it secret from Katsuki because he doesn’t want to burden him, either. basically just trying to protect both of these kids here.

6. Nana’s relation to Tomura

almost done with the list now! for real though, it’s crazy how many of these there are. how can one man have so many secrets. like seriously, calm the fuck down, All Might.

so! again, Deku should arguably have been told this as soon as it became clear that the responsibility of dealing with AFO and Tomura was going to fall to him. except, I guess, the thing is they didn’t think it was going to fall to him. or at least they hoped it wouldn’t. AFO was in Tartarus, and Naomasa and Gran were planning on hunting down Tomura and the League themselves. and Deku is just a high school kid with an internship. so in an ideal world, he would have never gotten near Tomura, and vice-versa. the adult heroes in BnHA may be inept as fuck, but I’ll give them credit where due: none of them wanted this kind of responsibility to ever fall on any of the kids until they were ready. even during this arc, the kids were all originally assigned to the evacuation teams, and the handful who were on the front lines were there because it was essential to the mission. and even then they pretty much had assigned babysitters (Midnight, Fatgum, etc.) shadowing them the whole time and ready to haul them back out as soon as their tasks were accomplished. like, don’t get me wrong, the child soldiers thing was and is still very fucked up, lol. but they were clearly trying to keep them out of harm’s way.

anyway! and so of course this applies to Deku as well. never mind that he’s All Might’s heir and well on his way to becoming more powerful than anyone could have ever dreamed. he’s still just a teenager. and we don’t send teenagers out to hunt the bad guys. we leave that to the adults, supposedly. and so in these guys’ minds, there really wasn’t any reason to tell Deku about the whole Nana/Tomura connection, because even if it was true, in their minds it’s not really relevant to Deku. they weren’t planning on him and Tomura becoming arch-nemeses. and so it was really just another thing that All Might presumably didn’t want to burden him with at the end of the day. “by the way, Midoriya-shounen, you should know there’s a possibility that Shigaraki Tomura is actually the grandson of my late mentor whom All for One killed.” that’s basically just a very unfun fact that Deku can do absolutely nothing about, except feel bad about it. it doesn’t change the fact that Tomura is still a mass murderer who’s eventually going to have to be captured or killed. so in All Might’s mind there’s really no benefit to telling Deku about any of this.

anyway! and so now finally, last but not least,

7. the Fourth OFA User

so now we finally get to the one secret we don’t actually know yet! OFA IV, and his whole mysterious deal.

All Might, after doing all that research on the previous OFA users and their quirks, suddenly changed his mind at the last second and decided not to tell Deku about this one specific user and his quirk (and notably, his cause of death). why is that?? “I don’t want to speculate and talk about things I’m not sure of...” really?? so you think the better option is for him to be unprepared and to not have any idea of what’s coming, then??

no, seriously. I’m seriously asking that. does All Might, in fact, think that it’s actually a better option for Deku to not know anything about the fourth user than for him to be aware of it. I am genuinely asking that question, because I truly suspect that this might actually be the case.

because, you see, that’s the pattern. if you look at all the other things he’s kept hidden either from Deku, or from others on Deku’s behalf, that’s the one thing they all have in common. he kept them secret in order to protect Deku. either to shelter him from the burden, or to keep him safe from people who might try to do him harm.

so I think it’s safe to say that even though we know absolutely nothing about this particular secret yet, it’s still going to follow that same pattern. All Might isn’t telling Deku about the Fourth yet either because he doesn’t want to burden him with something, or because he thinks there’s some other reason why Deku is better off not knowing.

here are a few other things we can extrapolate here:

All Might’s next line after this is “because I’m worried for him”, so yeah. whatever the reason, he’s trying to protect Deku somehow.

All Might has a history of avoiding truths he’s not ready to face yet, such as AFO still being alive. so even though he says here that he’s “not sure of” whatever it is he found, it’s very possible that he is in fact pretty sure of it, but just doesn’t want to believe it.

the fact that he wrote something down but then crossed it out would seem to support that as well. he says “not yet”, but I’m definitely not convinced that’s actually the case.

whatever this secret about the fourth user is, it’s something All Might isn’t willing to tell Katsuki either, even though Katsuki specifically presses him about it. this makes me think that it’s not just something shady or unpleasant about the fourth user’s past (like him being a villain for instance), because if it was just something like that, I don’t think he’d be so insistent on hiding it from Katsuki as well. and also that wouldn’t explain why he’s keeping the quirk a secret, especially since he knows Deku is going to manifest it at some point.

so my thinking is that it’s not something about the Fourth’s history, but rather something about his quirk. and after all, the Vestige storyline is mainly about the SIXQUIRKS anyway, so that tracks. and so if it is something related to the Fourth’s quirk, and this something also convinced All Might to hide the Fourth’s cause of death, I think the most likely explanation is that something about the Fourth’s quirk ended up killing him, and All Might fears that this quirk could potentially harm or kill Deku as well.

“but if the Fourth’s quirk is potentially dangerous, then wouldn’t it make more sense to tell Deku about it so that he can be prepared?” well, yeah. definitely it would. unless, of course, All Might has somehow concluded that the danger to Deku is actually GREATER if he knows than if he doesn’t know. in other words, the risk of the quirk manifesting with Deku unaware of what it is, is outweighed by the risk of Deku knowing and manifesting it on purpose.

and this, I think, is where the rest of Katsuki’s conversation with All Might in ch 284 comes into play:

All Might has no doubt observed the same thing himself. and so what I’m thinking is that this must be some kind of super high-risk, high-reward quirk that Deku, if he knew about it, would be tempted to use while battling someone like Tomura, even knowing there was a risk of it hurting or even killing him as well. this is Deku, after all. Deku, who takes himself out of the equation. Deku, who is ALREADY pushing himself to extremes with OFA and has been doing so from the start. Deku, who barring a miracle will be lucky to have even 1/10th of the normal function in his arms when this arc is said and done. and that’s just with normal, everyday OFA and Blackwhip and Float. if you were to go and add some sort of super-self-destruct quirk on top of all that?? jesus christ. they’d be picking up the pieces of what was left of him, probably.

so yeah. if this really does turn out to be the case, and the Fourth’s quirk really is a potential suicide quirk? I could absolutely understand why All Might would keep that hidden from him. once again, it’s all about protecting him and keeping him safe.

and it’s problematic though, for sure! and most likely futile just like all of his other secret-keeping efforts have been. at some point he’s just going to have to start trusting Deku to handle this stuff, and letting him know these things. like it or not, he’s not going to be a kid forever, and Destiny is currently being Thrust Upon Him at a fairly alarming rate! pretending like all of these threats will just magically go away all on their own is not it. if you didn’t want peril lusting over him at every corner then you shouldn’t have chosen a motherfucking Shounen Protag as your motherfucking heir, my dude.

anyway! so those are all of my thoughts about All Might and his secrets. I do think Deku is gonna call him out on it again soon, and I think All Might will be apologetic for not telling him about Tomura and Nana, but I don’t know if it will be enough to finally get him to change his ways and reveal everything else. he is an overprotective dad filled with anxiety over his trouble magnet son and his arm-exploding ways, and it’s a tough position for him to be in, knowing that either way there will be pain that Deku can’t avoid. it’s rough. anyways, maybe I’m too soft, but while I don’t necessarily want him to just keep getting free passes on everything, I kind of hope they don’t rake him over the coals too badly for it either. he means well!! he is doing his best. hopefully they can manage to talk it out, sob.

[naveenkumarchandra]

PAIN, HAPPINESS AND SELF.

The Human condition is one of perpetual suffering. It is one pain after the other, in fact if one were to look closely, human condition is to go from on painful situation to another, with an underlying suffering present all the time. All the happiness that we see, it isn’t happiness, it is an attempt to hide the pain.

If one were to seek answers, the most important question perhaps is, what is life, why there is what we call existence, why do we live and similar other versions, of the core of the existential crisis. The answer of this question is not an easy one, but in all practicality, the sole purpose of life is to avoid and reduce pain. Everything done, every step taken is to ensure the same. It’s not that we seek happiness, but that we avoid pain.

Life is not complicated, in the sense that it’s fairly easy if one is able to come to terms to its ways. If one is to give in and understand that pain is the driving principle, one shall realise how futile is the blind pursuit of happiness. There is no such thing as happiness, not in itself, there only is temporary absence of pain. If one can understand this, one would realise that to feel bad or get hurt or feel left out or feel left behind as one can’t find the happiness one feels others have found is an illusion, others are thinking the same, trying to avoid pain by thinking that they can pursue and get happiness.

One of the major life events where I see this unfold the most is how we take up relationships. One might definitely believe that for such an important thing it should be the present and future happiness that must drive the decision. Everyone wants to get into a relationship but most can’t get into one with people they want to get into one with. Reasons for it are forced and false perceptions and beliefs, these reasons are somehow wired in a way that not getting involved with these people whom they admire will avoid them pain further down the line. It’s not that this will give them more happiness, it is that it will avoid them pain. The issue here is though that most of these people avoid the perceived long term pain, of which they have no evidence by getting into a lot of pain in the immediate aftermath. The fact then is, that by taking such a decision, they are neither getting happiness now and nor will they get the same in the future. At both instances, it is the pain that is dictating their decision making process and in fact these decisions are not even taken rationally.

Human condition is the same for everything we do. Most of us are nothings, we don’t matter, in the conventional sense. But even those who you think matter and perhaps more than others, they are battling the same crisis all the time. The ones who do matter are the ones who have come to understand that they don’t. They matter because they matter to themselves.

One very weird phenomenon that I have come to witness and I am sure almost everyone has experienced it how the world perceives you and how important you think it is that they think of you in a particular way. Everyone wants to look intelligent, appear intellectually superior and look physically attractive to the opposite sex not bothering if one actually is any of those or is just perceived to be. The image or the shadow matters more than the actual object. It is similar to the pain-happiness principle, the pain here is the actual object and the image is the happiness. One is only worried about what people think and perceive rather than what one is and what one actually believes. All such actions are false and fraud. They can surely be harmless but they are false and fraud nonetheless. Just like the pursuit of happiness is.

What then is the purpose of existence. It is to do what one wants and accept the true motivation behind it. It comes with one condition, any act which is done by fulfilling the above 2 conditions and what I call the “true self state” would never deprive anyone else of their own true self state. This would mean that if one was to commit a theft, even though that’s what one wants and one is aware they are committing it knowing it is theft and has no qualms about it, it would still be wrong as the victim of the theft here is being deprived of their true self. When you marry someone your parents want you to and not someone you want to, you are not being your true self and in fact you are a part of the false and fraud selves of your parents. When you decide to practice or adopt a way just because it is dictated by some custom, knowing fully well that it is not going to liberate you from any pain that is there in your mind in fact it shall only raise too many doubts and with it bring a storm of mental trauma, you are not being true to yourself.

The true self of an individual, is an extremely personal and private state. I can be true and I might hurt people but that’s because of the untrue expectations from me and not my acts.

I shall not say thank you when someone helps me and if that person feels bad about it, it is mostly because the motivation is as not to help but to register that one is helping.

If we were to accept each other in the true selves of each other, we would see how beautiful each individual is.

[butwhatifidothis]

Sacrifice for the Three Lords

So. Got curious about something.

Curious thing got long lol, under the cut

The word sacrifice has a very loaded, very intentional feel to it. For something to be sacrificed, it must be considered less than whatever it is being sacrificed for, whether in the moment or in the long term - it’s the logical conclusion to the act itself. Even if regret for that choice can come later, at the time you are sacrificing whatever is being sacrificed, it is considered less (for example, spending an hour of your time for a stupid meme post you spent too much time on, for a light-hearted start. In hindsight you might think it was stupid or not worth it, but at the time of bungling around in photoshop you considered the time lost as a worthwhile sacrifice to your end product).

With that in mind, how do the three lords view sacrifice? When is it mentioned in their routes? When do they themselves mention it, and what are they pertaining to when they do? I want to focus on the word “sacrifice” specifically, due to the already mentioned connotations and meaning attached to this word in particular

We’ll start with Claude, with his route’s first mention of the word sacrifice being, and I’m not kidding, post ts, at Ailell

What is being sacrificed here is Claude’s independence from Judith. He is expressing a want to not rely on Judith’s help once again but needing to give up that want in order to move on with his goals of winning the war. This is something that he alone is sacrificing with no involvement or need of sacrifice from anyone else - he is the only one losing something from this sacrifice.

The next mention is from Hubert’s letter

The sacrifice being mentioned belongs to Edelgard. Hubert is stating that Edelgard has made sacrifices that must be honored, heavily implying that they were necessary for her goals if they hold such importance as to keep that importance beyond the grave to be passed by those who have defeated her. Claude himself is not sacrificing anything, nor does he state any agreeance to the phrasing used here, but he has said earlier that her methods use too much bloodshed for people to rally behind, implying a disagreeance. 

This is the last time the word sacrifice is used in direct relation to Claude. When it comes to all that has happened to others, Claude specifically does not refer to it as something like a sacrifice that he is making.

Though that does not the word is not used further in VW. Dorothea, in VW:

The sacrifice being made here is deliberate and willing on the part of Count Bergliez. He is making the consenting, thoughtful decision to sacrifice himself because he views his men’s lives as more important than his own, and it is implied that his doing so achieved the desired outcome (the safety of his men). He came to this decision by himself, with no outside force making him do this (outside of the circumstances that prompted it - no one person made him do this). The act of sacrificing yourself for the lives of others is portrayed in a explicitly “positive” light coated in tragedy and even then only if it achieved its goal 

Lastly, for unique mentions on VW, Annette:

Forced sacrifice is seen as something painful. The making of circumstances where sacrifices must be made outside of the will of those making it is portrayed in a explicitly negative light that is sought to be rid of. 

In VW, Claude himself never refers to the loss of life as a sacrifice, and only ever refers to something as a sacrifice when it is him making it in a way that does not affect others. Sacrifice of life is only referred to as “positive” when either 1) Hubert, an amoral character who cannot be part of VW, makes mention of it, or 2) it is the singular sacrifice of one person’s life that they made of their own volition in order to save others, and even then it is portrayed in its context and in later contexts as a tragic event nonetheless

Next: AM

The first mention of the word sacrifice for AM - or in this case, BL - is after Lonato: 

The word sacrifice is not brought up by Dimitri. Byleth says that the loss of life must be accepted, the result of which is explicit denial from Dimitri of the supposed importance of sacrificing civilians. Sacrifice of life -and the direct phrasing of it as a sacrifice - is explicitly portrayed as bad in the eyes of Dimitri; he does not believe that life ought to be sacrificed to achieve one’s goals

Next time, post ts:

The sacrifice of lives is directly, verbatim described as needless. The concept of the idea of lives being less worthy than a cause is explicitly called wrong. Human life is given more value than any goal.

Note how this is a direct reference to his behavior in VW, where he sacrifices his life as well as those around him - save for Dedue, whom Dimitri not sacrificing is what allows VW’s story to continue (due to Dedue providing the blueprints to the throne room for the Alliance army to navigate through). Dimitri’s choice to deliberately not have Dedue sacrifice his life is a positive to the overarching story of VW, while his indifference to the now explicitly needless sacrifice others’ make of their own lives for his personal cause is portrayed in a negative light

And while we’re talking of Gronder (note, this also appears in VW and thus also applies to VW):

Ignatz’s further implies that the sacrifice made at Gronder does not mean anything - it is senseless, and without purpose. It must be given meaning after the fact; it holds nothing in and of itself, as it did not bring about its desired outcome

Next, Catherine:

Sacrifice of the self is seen in an understanding light while simultaneously being seen as something that ought to be avoided. It is also something that is shown to be something that must be up to the individual to decide for themselves, though is regardless seen as something that likely should be talked out of doing

Last for AM, Felix:

The voluntary, willing sacrifice of one’s own life, for the betterment of others, is portrayed as something “positive” that must be repaid by those which the sacrifice was made for. It is not something that can be morally justified in forgetting after the fact - the repayment needs to be made in order for the sacrifice to be “positive.” The intended outcome of the sacrifice must be fulfilled in order for it to be seen as good.

In AM, sacrifice is continuously referred to negatively. Dimitri outright denies the possibility of necessary sacrifices, and the only way sacrifices are seen in a “positive” is if they are 1) willing made by the person sacrificing themselves and/or 2) the desired outcome of the sacrifice is definitively achieved, with the latter stipulation still having caveats that prevent it from ever truly being seen as positive (Count Rowe)

Lastly: CF

Edelgard mention the word sacrifice the same time as Dimitri first does, after Lonato:

Sacrifice of life is seen as a necessity. Edelgard views sacrifice as something that cannot be avoided, and as such, she has no qualms in sacrificing her people’s lives to achieve her goals. She views her cause as having an inherit superiority over the lives of the people. 

Next, during the invasion of Garreg Mach (once you’ve settled on CF as a route):

Sacrifice of human life is once again seen as a necessity for Edelgard to achieve her goals. She states that she will not stop no matter how much blood she spills for her cause. The sacrifice of life is involuntary to those making the sacrifice, and yet it is seen as something that will lead to a positive outcome. The cause is given greater importance over human life.

Next, post ts, before Claude is fought:

The want to not sacrifice own’s life for their cause is seen as a negative. The idea of attempting to save one’s own life at the prospect of certain defeat is questioned in its rationality. There is a lack of understanding in the idea of not sacrificing one’s self to the cause - this is further shown in Edelgard’s death in all other routes, which is caused directly due to her unwillingness to give up her greater cause. She views her own human life as having less importance than her goals, which is consistent with her ideology of sacrificing everything for the greater good.

Notice the other two mentions of the word sacrifice in CF

Linhardt, at the final chapter (which appears in all routes, mind, but since he does default as a BE I feel it pertinent to include within the CF section):

Sacrifice is seen as a sign of desperation. The idea of sacrificing human lives for a greater cause is no longer comforting or a good enough justification. It being described as “depend[ent] on a throw of the dice” directly implies no control from the one(s) sacrificing their lives. 

And the last mention is from Rhea, during the last battle, referring to Rhea burning down Fhirdiad:

Sacrifice is being actively questioned. Edelgard’s reaction to Rhea forcibly sacrificing lives showcases the act as negative. Rhea, in all other routes, is one of Edelgard’s sacrifices she makes for her cause, and now Rhea’s mirroring of sacrificing the people’s lives for what she believes is right is being shown in a explicitly negative light. This is not Edelgard growing to realize that sacrificing human life is wrong as she does not reflect on her own doing so when she criticizes Rhea for the same thing.

In CF, when it is Edelgard speaking of sacrifice, it is always seen as a necessity - something that must be done in order to achieve change. Edelgard actively forces sacrifice on the people due to her believing that her desired outcome cannot be made without it, and so she makes little effort to mitigate this involuntary, large-scale sacrifice. 

But, when similar ideals of the value of human life against one’s own cause is applied to those which oppose her, she no longer sees it as morally justifiable to sacrifice the lives of the people, despite her own willingness to do the same. When sacrifice is seen through the lens of someone other than Edelgard, the idea of sacrificing lives for the greater cause is no longer enough to justify it. 

In contrast to Claude and Dimitri, who do not view such sacrifice as a necessity and thus do not attempt to justify it/force it upon others (except when Dimitri explicitly is doing something wrong, as directly stated by the game), Edelgard cannot fathom the possibility of being unable to sacrifice human life and achieving her goals at the same time. In contrast to Claude and Dimitri, who hold human life above their goals (except when Dimitri explicitly is in the wrong), Edelgard holds her goals above human life. Human life - including her own - has less worth than her goals, thus making it acceptable to sacrifice.

And, well. Considering that people are still being killed in most of Hubert’s endings due to all of the revolts and rebellions against Edelgard’s abrupt, violent, bloody rule rising up, the commonfolk are still not able to receive titles/military credits unless they marry into families which already have that (save for one character, who was previously noble already), and that freedom of choice is not guaranteed as shown by Bernadetta’s endings, along with the slew of other problematic elements in CF’s endings (especially when compared to VW and AM, whose endings portray a far more peaceful Fodlan)... yeah, the sacrifices absolutely did not achieve their stated desired outcome. And that’s when they were voluntary

[emily-the-fae]

Sound of a Heartbeat

Part 4. Negotiations, Exortions and Stories of the Past

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 5 - Part 6

Surprisingly, this story continues to move further for me.

Back to the characters where we left them in the previous part - with some heated arguments and intimate talks.

Pairing: Dracula x OC

Warnings: none, apart from lung diseases, wounds and Adrian being a total sweetheart

Next morning Shari woke up to sounds of footsteps and hushed speech. Straight away she knew the upcoming conversation will have to be one hell of a diplomatic achievement – how do you explain your sudden desire to leave to a group of half vampire, speaker and a vampire hunter who were most probably fighting for your life during the last three days. Trevor would be completely furious. Better stand next to Sypha when presenting the decision, just in case he suddenly has the wish to use his whip. You never know how the Belmont reacts, though possibly Shari could still drag it through without making a big fuss – Lisa was definitely right about one thing: she has made a habit of negotiating her way with people, especially the ones that were apprehensive or disliked her. Truth to say, nine out of ten were either of the two.

- And don't forget, you are our healer, how are we...!?

- And don't forget, you are our healer, how are we...!?

- So far I wasn't so much required, you guys can carry on perfectly well without me.

- I'm still not sure if it is a good idea, Shari, if you want to get some rest by leaving... It may only be more dangerous for you, - Sypha argued.

- Don’t you even think of supporting her! She took a few years off our lifespans with this incident! We can’t just let you…

- No, wait, you don't get it, I...

- Shari!

- Stop bossing me around, Trevor, I am not a child! I have not finished.

- Trevor, please calm down, she is neither under your command, nor your sibling. If she wants to leave, it is her choice, - Adrian stepped in, clearly annoyed with the three.

- See? I can perfectly… - Shari tried to pick up.

- Shari, - Adrian interrupted. – Can I speak with you privately?

The healer was genuinely startled for a moment. She turned to look Adrian in the eyes – probably for the first time since the incident – trying to estimate his emotions and plan her defense strategy. She was never scared of him – or at least she never showed that he scared her sometimes, because surely being sane and realistic she could not ignore the obvious danger presented by those sharp fangs and golden eyes. Still Shari was used to considering him a friend, his malevolent side almost unable to turn against her.

Now she was startled and – honestly – slightly scared. For a moment she thought she saw it in his eyes that he looked right through her: that he perhaps watched her and Lisa or sensed her thoughts or some other vampire telepathy kind of thing. That maybe he thought she was a traitor.

Then he smiled warmly and nodded his head to the side, gesturing for her to follow him away from Trevor and Sypha – and Shari straight away knew whatever it was, he was ready to be on her side.

- Are you sure you need this resting? I mean clearly you do, you are paler than father when he wakes up, but still… Sari, I know you are stronger than you look, but a witch traveling alone during such a time doesn’t seem the brightest idea to me, - Adrian spoke quickly and quietly, for others not to hear their discussion. Shari felt ashamed for how it continued to surprise her that he sounded genuinely concerned.

- Adrian, I’ll be fine. I swear. I just… I don’t feel well…for, let’s say, various reasons, not only the attack. It just suddenly occurred to me that since your father seems to be watching and purposefully slowing you down, it may be a good decision for me to…

- To not stick around and lower the risk of encountering him or strong specifically directed demons? – she nodded in response. – Well, I can get that… And Shari, - he suddenly took her hand, his tone turning uncharacteristically warm. – I’m sorry.

- You don’t have to. We already spoke about…

- Not about that. About your disease. I’m so sorry. If only I knew how to help you – I could have known the way, you know, I once had the access to knowledge that could have… I’m so sorry for you.

They stood in silence for a few moments. Shari found herself unable to look into his eyes, staring at the ground.

- For how long have you known? – she rasped, barely recognizing her own quiet voice.

- Almost as soon as we met… Shari, I…

- Don’t. It’s alright, Adrian, I just didn’t realize you knew and this struck me a little…

- Do you know where you will be heading? – if she ever was grateful to him for anything – though she was grateful for plenty of things to be fair – it was his ability to catch onto the atmosphere and change the topic when it is very much needed.

- I… yeah sure, of course I do, I have a rough plan of what to do. Thanks, - she coughed dryly a few times, still refusing to lookup and meet his gaze.

- Shari?

- Yes.

- Promise me you will be fine. Not to be dramatic, but I… have gotten used to you quite a lot.

Shari chuckled.

- Will do my best, - she finally looked up at him and saw the half-vampire smile broadly. – I’ve gotten pretty used to you too, you overgrown puppy, - they stood in silence for some time.

- Almost forgot, one last thing before we face the storm of unacceptance named Trevor, - he blurted out, when she moved tostep away and turn back to the campsite.

- Yes?

Adrian did not say a word – he simply opened his arms and Shari fell into the embrace without even thinking. She felt utterly childish for being this familiar with him. She also felt it was nice to have someone to turn to when feeling torn and exhausted without having to explain the whirlwind of emotion in your head.

Shari shouldn’t have been surprised that it was Adrian who let her go with such ease. He knew he could trust her decisions, he always did. She was somewhat flattered by the way he treated her as an advisor and assistant even though she was no way as knowledgeable as him; the half-vampire always showed that he believed she had an own analyzed perspective of things, that she wouldn’t be reckless. This time though his trust in her rationality might have failed him. Any way it was, he openly supported her decision and expressed the hope that she would be able to catch up with them in some time.

Shari knew Trevor thought Dracula hypnotized her into surrender and laughed at it to herself. If only he had a clue that it was the human Dracula's wife who controlled her.

In the end of that emotionally exhausting morning they finally parted ways: the trio went in the direction of the closest town, hesitant to leave their friend, but unwillingly agreeing it should be done for greater good; Shari stayed at the campsite with Rodo for a bit longer, motivating it with the need of rest. Adrian threw a concerned glance in her direction, but said nothing. The vampire felt there was something wrong, but decided to let it slide, since he had already supported her decision; if she said she needed rest, then so be it.

In fact, although Shari did tell him she had a rough plan of further action, in reality she had little to no ideas in which direction to move and absolutely no wish of discussing it with thin air in front of her disbelieving friends: they would definitely not see Lisa and they would definitely think she was hallucinating after the attack. To be fair, she could never herself be sure if that wasn't exactly the case. Maybe she was talking to an imaginary friend. However, since she had already decided to believe in the ghost's existence, she had to play along that assumption.

Lisa didn’t leave her waiting and appeared as soon as they were left alone, Shari sitting by the campfire a little lost and a little tired; a victorious smile played on the ghost's lips, as she sat by the fire next to the girl. Rodo made no sign of noticing their guest, only slightly shaking his furry head and letting out a jawn.

- What? - asked Shari, annoyed by the constant attention of the ghost. She took the cattle off the fire and set it aside to cool down a bit. She needed something warm to drink if she wanted to keep her blood and lungs inside her body.

- We have to move out, - Lisa smiled, now more gently, watching the human's movements.

- It would be nice if I knew where we went, - replied Shari, slowly looking around, taking in the little amount of her personal belongings lying about - there wouldn't be much packing when she would have finally decided to pick herself off the ground.

- I'll guide you.

- What if you disappear?

- I won't.

- What if I don't want to go? What if you only tell me that you are leading me to the castle, while in reality you will lead me to Dracula? That is actually most probably what is going to happen, - Shari finally expressed her greatest worry and doubt. She could not just trust Lisa, she wanted to, but couldn't bring herself to do so. The woman was most probably still here because of them - Dracula and Adrian - so her greatest concern would be to stop their fight in any way possible in order to finally peacefully leave them, not care about some girl getting hurt in the process.

- I believe you will just have to trust me. I have told you already, I only want to stop this war with as little blood as possible, especially when it comes to Adrian’s or Vlad-I meant Dracula’s blood. You will be of very little help to me if I simply spend time leading you to your death. Besides, I shall remind you, that your illness is not exactly leading you to a happy life, so you decided trusting me on that one, - Lisa winked at her and stood up; Shari clenched her teeth: well, that was a very good point, but definitely a blow-below-the-waist strategy. - We should move out, the sooner we start - the quicker we'll be there.

- You know, you're like an older sister that I never wished to have, - Shari huffed in annoyance, but finished her tea quickly and proceeded to pack. The fact that she was annoyed didn't cancel the fact that Lisa was right. She had to move out.

***

The day trip was completely uneventful. The few villages they had passed didn't show any signs of having been attacked, but Lisa still made Shari keep away from them - maybe it was for the best, people were very unsafe these days, the fear made them aggressive to any newcomers. Especially to ones possessing magical powers and followed by black wolf-demons. Going alone to such a village could be suicidal.

It was only at the age of ten, that Shari found out she had it in her. That one trait that made people wish your head on a pike no matter how you behave. Animals weren't just "friendly" with her, no-no, friendly is one understandable thing, especially with a little child. However, "friendly" is definitely not the most accurate description of the behaviour of the large black wolf that almost attacked her one day on the edge of the woods, stopping in mid-jump as the girl turned to face it - next picture: the wolf rolling on the ground before her like and ordinary dog demanding bellyrubs. The animals would not simply like her, they would obey her as if she spoke to them directly. She had no idea where the power came from and so preferred to think she was born into her witchcraft. Her mother insisted upon it too, saying that poor old gramma was the same odd thing in her youth. At least that was what Shari remembered her saying when they did discuss her little problem. That was until she turned sixteen – until she suddenly was separate from her family and out on her own. Until the first time the people wanted to get her burned. First of many more to come.She had learned to control herself and make use of herself, never expressing anything people would see as dark wizardry, nothing even seemingly malevolent, working for the local healer, helping out as much as she could and learning some things here or there by herself about herbs and illnesses - not a study, barely a child's curiosity.

Then it was a year of particularly poor crops after an awfully dry summer, Shari sensed it was coming before she ever knew why it was so - the villagers had no other way of dealing with such misfortunes. They placed all the blame on the odd girl who learned to cure wounds and diseases and spoke to the wild animals as she pleased. Burning witches was a very common sacrifice, after all.

The night before the burning was the night she ran. She knew they would come for her, so she escaped before they could get her, left her home to set to travel into unknown. And never truly stopped running ever since.

Lisa pitied her for that, even though Shari tried to brush it off as nothing. She was a witch after all and turned to be quite a good thief, quite some reason for the other humans to hate her already, even though she couldn't say theft pleased her herself - she was surviving the way she could: moving about and healing didn't ever buy her enough bread or material. The longest she ever stayed in a town was three months - then the cycle had to start over.

Lisa understood her reasoning for that quite well. At first she wanted to argue that staying longer might have bought Shari some trust, but held her tongue - she wasn't one to give that sort of advice, not now, not after everything that happened to her exactly for staying a little too long.

When they finally stopped for the night, Shari was almost falling - her legs unwilling to carry her anymore - and bending over in loud wet coughs, feeling the taste of her own blood in her mouth and suffocating in attempts to hold back from even more coughing. The freezing weather and bloodloss, even compensated with Sypha's magic, were not going to make this journey easier for her. Shari felt the feather light caress of the ghost's hand on her back and breathed in deeply, trying to calm her heartrate.

There was pain in her ribs now too - she was scratched quite badly a few days ago by one of the attacking demons. They were fighting off several of the things and one jumped her from behind: neither she nor Rodo had noticed it before. Shari succeeded in turning to face it, making the demon bounce off her and back away as soon as she made eye contact - these things were usually not much harder to control than wolves, especially with Rodo at her side. Unfortunately, before she managed to kick it off completely, the demon had left an unpleasant scratch across her ribcage, making her fall to the ground and lose the mental contact - the beast jumped back on her in a matter of seconds and for a moment Shari thought that would be her end. Only by luck Adrian was swift enough to protect her, fighting the thing away and aiding her to recover later - the sharp claws left three deep gashes on her skin and the girl had to spend a long time tending to herself after the fight, hoping the wound would not get infected with whatever those things could carry on their paws.

The wound had been nicely bandaged before, all was going well, but apparently Dracula's attack had erased that bit of responsibility from her memory and now Shari suddenly faced yet another problem: rebandaging was not only desirable, but very much a necessity by the time she dropped to the ground, settling for the night. The soaked and dried blood on the old bands now scratched and tore at the healing wound, causing her pain.

- ‘T is okay, - she told the ghost, quickly going to sit down on the ground. Removing the band did not take much time as well as putting on a new one-not when she was used to doing it anyways, but removing a part of her clothes let the cold bite her even more in the process, so when she was finished, she was freezing to the bone, so she wrapped herself in whatever warm cloths she had left and pressed closer to Rodo, to keep at least some body heat to herself. They decided to make no fires, as Shari was now mostly defenseless and the girl already felt how much she would regret parting ways with her friends. Lisa's care and Rodo's warm side couldn't do much to keep away the cold and her lungs were almost screaming in protest. She looked at Lisa's pitiful apologetic face and whispered: - I'm already used to it, - no you aren't, this is getting worse by second and you desperately need a fire.

- You have to fall asleep quickly. Tomorrow we'll start off at dusk, - Shari lay between Rodo's back and a large tree trunk; Lisa sat next to her head, looking down at the tired healer.

- I wish it was just as easy for me to move as it is for you, - Shari whispered sleepily.

- Trust me, you don't, - both laughed.

- How much is there left? Of the way?

- If you're lucky - and persistent, we may be there by tomorrow night, - Lisa answered reassuringly.

- Really? That's so fast... Too fast, to be fair. I thought the castle was hard to catch, - she stared back at Lisa.

- Parts of it yes, it moves as a whole. But there are stable parts - that one particular entrance was the one I used when I first found him. It was very hard to track - not many know about it, it's kind of in magically protected grounds or something - nobody has the incentive to go there, - the ghost explained.

- But you had, - Shari smirked.

- Of course I had.

- I wonder how he hadn’t killed you straight away.

- Oh, but he wanted to. He tried to frighten me – told me he would drink my blood, all that classical stuff.

- So what did you do?

- Told him his manners needed repolishing.

Pause. Shari chuckled. Then snorted. Then laughed out loud.

- And he did not murder you for such an offense?

- I believe he wanted to for a moment, but was too startled to act… And then it sort of…happened. I believe it was a big “why not” for both of us, until we suddenly saw something deeper to it, - Lisa smiled to herself, seemingly diving through memories.

- Sounds a little like me meeting Adrian for the first time – God knows I saw those large fangs and yellow eyes straight away, I knew very well what he was, just couldn’t…

- Can’t beware the dark, when it’s choice between stepping in or watching someone suffer?

- Something of the kind. My self-preservation goes way below. I called him in when I saw him bleeding out by the edge of the town – half expected him to drain me as soon as I bandaged him and when he… well, as you can see, didn’t… We just talked. He stayed over for a week gaining strength, not attempting to eat me – I guess that was the first out of the only two occasions when someone I have helped did not try to accuse me of devilish business in one way or another and just accepted the help. Of course he had to be not human.

- The second time that happened was with Rodo, wasn’t it? Humans don’t tend to be overly grateful.

Both chuckled.

- Adrian seems quite attached to you, - Lisa turned to Shari. – Thanks for that. For accepting him. I was always worried that he will have a hard time fitting in…pretty much anywhere, being what he is. So thank you.

- No need to. He is nice, your son. Feels like having a friend for once.

Pause. Shari shrugged and sighed.

- Tomorrow, you said, right? Though I can't say that I'm exactly lucky, so your prediction about the time is probably too optimistic, we are bound to have some struggle tomorrow,- she huffed, turning to her side and snuggling to Rodo's furry back.

- The castle shouldn't be so far away, it is quite close to Tragoviste, shouldn't have taken us long, - Lisa explained. - And you are lucky, sunshine - remember? You survived Dracula's bite. That mark on your neck is your lucky ticket now, - Lisa winked and lay back against the tree trunk. Shari wanted to think of a witty reply, but was interrupted by another violent fit of cough and decided to let it go. The healer cuddled into Rodo’s warm side and fell into uneasy sleep, hoping that the morning would bring at least some relief.

[curiosity-killed]

hua cheng, the accidental person

okay this is for @bodhimcbodeface because i can’t shut up and make this concise enough for discord. spoilers ahead yeehaw

this is...not comprehensive. i’ve written 11 tgcf fics and am generally a bit fixated on Hua Cheng as a character so. there’s definitely things missing but i tried to hit the main points that i thought of while writing? also obviously this is just my interpretation! i do not expect anyone else to be like “ah yes curio the sage is so correct i have changed my thinking on this” like go live your life with your own versions of hua cheng! this is just the hill upon which i have firmly planted myself and from which i refuse to be budged. as u do.

anyway, LONG explanation of my very niche and very uh self-indulgent, not-necessarily-support-by-canon hua cheng apologism LMAO

tl;dr: (this is really Too Long i’m sorry) I think Hua Cheng reluctantly becomes a person during his 800 years of searching, starting from a point where he views Xie Lian not as a person but as an immutable god and focus of devotion and developing into a person who doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s a person because realizing that you want to live and do things for yourself is scary and overwhelming at times, and he ultimately falls in love with Xie Lian during the novel itself as he recognizes and is in wonder of the humanity of Xie Lian instead of his divinity or absolute judgment.

POINT 1: Hua Cheng doesn’t actually fall in love with Xie Lian till the ox cart

but curio! you say, “my beloved!” he calls him his beloved! and the land of tender!!

shhh. IMO Hua Cheng is more Wuming than Hua Cheng for those 800 years. By which I mean, for most of that time he’s, at his heart, a nameless soldier trying to find and serve his crown prince/general/god. He still views Xie Lian as this perfect and immaculate figure—a sculpture, a painting, a work of art that is untouchable and immutable. And he’s utterly and wholly devoted to that figure but devotion is not the same as love

So Hua Cheng is searching and trying to serve Dianxia all these years and then His Royal Highness finally ascends and is a god again and Hua Cheng shows up in all his glory to give this power and strength and wealth to serve him and—

and he’s met not by a powerful and reckless martial god or an unstoppable calamity but by a young man dressed in bridal robes who lets Hua Cheng lead him up a darkened mountain, who doesn’t lash out with spiritual energy or a sword but instead, only eventually, with the cursed bandage he was carrying back in the darkest part of his life.

and i think that throws hua cheng. like he’s had this image of his god all these years, this divine painting made over and over and over again—and he carries that belief and devotion with him, but there’s a crack in the sculpture and the stone is starting to flake off to reveal a human underneath it

so he puts on an approachable, malleable, unassuming skin and finds xie lian collecting scraps and being a lil awkward, a lil bumbling, generous and kind — and i think hua cheng, after 800 years of knowing everything, having everything — I think he looks at this discovery with wonder

Bc tbc this does not mean Hua Cheng views them as equals. For him it’s like, dianxia has even more to him, is even more than I knew. He’s seen Xie Lian as the flower crowned martial god in all his glory and as the white-clothed calamity in all his horror — and now here he is, wonderful, multitudinous, and human

Meanwhile I don’t think Hua Cheng even views himself as a person really, much less a human.

also i mean. the internet & allo ppl prove time and time again that you don’t need love for horniness so. land of tender’s right out as proof on that

POINT 2: The Live For Me thing

so obviously and undeniably, using one person as a reason for living is....not healthy. Not going to argue that. but my take on it personally is that, when Hua Cheng’s a kid who really, actively wants to die and sees no reason for living, Xie Lian gives him a reason to keep going. he doesn’t have to live for himself—that’s too much, that’s too big of an ask—but he’s been given a command and purpose by the one person who’s been kind to him/whom he respects. it’s a little like... “My life has no meaning but my cat needs me to feed him and clean his litterbox and so I need to keep getting up and taking care of him even if I don’t see a larger intrinsic purpose to my life.”

and i think like...it’s easy to forget that for all of books 2 & 4, Hua Cheng is young. He doesn’t live past 18—he’s still like...a kid. And that’s not to say that teenagers/young adults can’t make moral and rational decisions but I’m going to be honest, when I was that age I contemplated joining the Air Force because of tuition assistance and the snazzy uniform despite the fact that I was a vocal pacifist and repeatedly got into arguments with teachers about school rules and conservative politics. It’s not like. The Most Rational and Mature Age, lbr. 

so Wuming is absolutely capable of looking at what Xie Lian is doing and being like “hey maybe war crimes aren’t a great idea” but he is young and traumatized and the one person he believes in, the one person who gave him a reason to keep going, is deadset on this task which tbh I don’t think either of them (or...necessarily...the society in which they live) views as war crimes in the modern sense (which isn’t to say that we as readers should view it any more lightly bc i think the narrative directly and firmly contradicts that idea) but as revenge, as an eye-for-an-eye. so, bad, but character-wise, I think it’s more nuanced than we sometimes consider

anyway back to the fixation on xie lian. i stand by the assertion that in those 800 years, hua cheng wasn’t exclusively focused on xie lian. like was finding and serving him his top priority? oh god yes. undeniably. there is no other version of this story. BUT eight hundred years is like....a lot of time. and i think in that time he started doing things for himself, even if under the guise of serving xie lian. hua cheng is curious and adventurous—he clearly likes to learn even if he plays it off as nbd—and i think he starts to realize that about himself in those centuries even if he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge or consider it. 

POINT 3: Mt. Tong’lu in General

“okay, sure but what about the thousands of sculptures and murals of xie lian, curio. what the fuck about them.”

Yeah. FINE. okay we will DEAL with this. dealing with this is the entire reason i wrote “(like i do) in the tall grass.” 

disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon! i also. Do Not care. My Ghost King Now.

so I have two general avenues I take with this:

going back to the devotion > love — when Hua Cheng reaches MTL, he’s seen xie lian beaten and cast down. what do gods need to survive? worship! we see throughout how important divine statues/portraits/etc. are throughout canon. in this interpretation, the cave is a concentration of all that worship in an effort to support and serve xie lian and hua cheng doesn’t view himself like...as part of it. the sculptures could have been carved by any hand so long as they are xie lian and the worship and devotion that goes into their making can support and bolster him.

my personal favorite version: amNESIA IN THE CAVES —okay i don’t have the text pulled up rn but y’know how Guoshi says Hua Cheng was almost dispersed, in terrible condition, etc., when he reached Mt. Tong’lu. so if baby boy is in terrible condition, barely hanging on, etc., then my immediate favorite option is that he doesn’t, at that time, have even the...uh threadbare sense of self he did in life/as Wuming and is running on only a vague and urgent sense of Something driving him—something he has to do, someone he has to serve—and in that case, the paintings and sculptures are part of his trying to piece together and process his memories as he can grasp them and figuring out who he is/what his purpose is. Is this canonical? PROBABLY NOT. and yet here i am. firmly planted on this hill

Also w/ MTL I think a thing that’s often skated over is the mortals, creation of E’ming, and his ascension. Which is important from a meta lens of Hua Cheng and Xie Lian vs Jun Wu but that’s not the point of this rambling monstrosity and i’m trying not to get too distracted. ANYWAY I think this is one of those times when Hua Cheng does something that he would probably excuse as like “well His Highness would’ve wanted me to” or “His Highness wouldn’t have been willing to sacrifice the mortals” because Xie Lian is still largely his moral compass—but it also is a peek at the complexity Hua Cheng doesn’t acknowledge within himself.

uh i got distracted anyway and no longer know what point i was making here. Hua Cheng Ascension Important....maybe i will remember this at some other point...

POINT 4: Live For Me (Revisited)

I sort of got distracted writing that point but anyway coming back to it now: I maintain that although Hua Cheng’s primary pursuit is protecting and serving Xie Lian he also does develop/realize his Accidental Personhood throughout his 800 years. this includes a lot of things, as previously stated, that are under the guise of serving Xie Lian (I’d put learning the Banyue tongue, finding out about the Gilded Banquet, collecting swords, beating the 33 officials etc., in this category) and things that maybe could be but...are not really (e.g., his friendship alliance with He Xuan, Paradise Manor* in general, the Gambling Den, learning the Wuyong tongue, bullying Qi Rong*, bullying FengQing*, playing with gold foil palaces, etc.)

(*these are ones that like...could be said to be for Xie Lian and I think he might say are for Xie Lian but also have a personal element that is just for him. 

Like yes Paradise Manor is a lavish and well-stocked residence fit for a god or crown prince...but it’s also a luxurious and extravagant collection of all the things he couldn’t have in life. it’s like giving a kid a credit card with no limit and letting them run wild through uh. Fuck. A Fancy Department Store. 

And sure Qi Rong was awful and turned on Xie Lian in pretty damning ways, but I also genuinely think part of Hua Cheng’s grudge with him is from the childhood abuse and from just...hatred that Qi Rong is around and looks like Xie Lian and gets to be there when Hua Cheng can’t find Xie Lian (which is about  Xie Lian but for Hua Cheng). 

Similarly with FengQing, sure a lot of his hate is for them abandoning Xie Lian—but he doesn’t even know till Book 3 when they abandoned him, and consider how much more he hates Mu Qing, the guy he blames for kicking him out of the army, etc. Some of it is totally “in service” to Xie Lian but some of it is because Hua Cheng carries a grudge like a goddamn pro and finds catharsis in beating the shit out of immortals who bounce back and can’t stop tripping over themselves and onto his blade.)

[olivieblake]

As a writer or even just a consumer of media do you find people are less willing to accept “flaws” in characters and stories? I’m not talking like this character is a murderer he’s evil no one should like him type stuff, though as someone who started off writing dramione I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of that but just like when characters are ever short of perfect. Like when a strong female character is kinda insecure or a couple isn’t communicating well or has a heated fight everyone gets mad that it’s a toxic relationship or bad writing. I once read a review of a book where someone stopped reading it after two chapters cause it had bad therapy practices, ie. the character still had shit to work through and therapy isn’t magic therefore they weren’t always doing the healing right and it’s like? that’s the whole point!! it’s an arc the character is gonna grow! It’s also made clear early on that the therapist didn’t agree with the coping methods (overly controlling their life) so it wasn’t like they were trying to portray it as a good thing. I know you’ve mentioned people have ✨opinions✨ about your DFS Hermione for having flaws and staying flawed and her flaw is just that she kinda thinks she’s right a lot and maybe isn’t the most self aware nothing even serious lol. I’m not saying don’t be critical of media but it’s kinda overwhelming reading think piece after think piece about why this thing you enjoy is actually the literal worst™️. Like am I toxic for having some of the same flaws ? Am I a problematic creep for enjoy stories where everything isn’t always sunshine, I don’t want to have a train wreck of a relationship but sometimes reading about one can be kinda fun? Is that terrible?

there’s a lot here that I’d like to discuss and I’m thinking about how I’d like to do it (I’ll inevitably chat about it in a video because it’s interesting and complex but I think I may have too many topics for this monday)

let’s see I think I will start by saying: in general, critical discourse about media (books, tv, film, fanfic) is a good thing, but it has definitely gone awry from what I consider to be its origins. I think the whole point of viewing media critically and making observations about what we are portraying via fiction is crucial for amplifying/protecting marginalized stories and reducing harm—specifically, the harm that minorities and women face by being inundated with bigoted, prejudiced, hateful, or ignorant tropes, caricatures, or relationship dynamics. I definitely believe that we should consider what we consume and how we consume it, particularly when it comes to the marginalized voices who do not see themselves represented well or fairly in white male dominated media

that being said, I do think it has led to the expectation that fiction cannot have ANY problems, which is absurd and counterproductive. it’s also extremely reductive, particularly when it comes the Strong Female Character™ thing you mention, where a woman STILL only has value if she’s strong in the “correct” way. I mentioned in one of my other posts and also last week’s video that there’s some kind of disconnect between the VERY GOOD intentions of things like #ownvoices or the movement to empower female characters and the actual outcomes, which make it so that any flaws in a marginalized fictional character are magnified to represent the entire group. the very reasonable request to see ourselves in fiction has somehow become an exponentially convoluted demand to see ourselves a certain way in fiction, where any character who does not reflect our personal experience is bad and wrong. previously, the expectation was that white male stories were universal whereas everything else was only for that specific group, and now, ironically, everything that is created still has to fit that universal quality and please everyone, despite that not being the point. the problem is when you only have ONE movie about this topic or ONE book about this ethnicity, then of course it hasn’t done enough to exemplify an entire subject or culture. there has to be an entire body of work the way there is with white-dominated media, where no single film or book accurately represents the experience of being white

plus we have twitter which is a horrifying hellscape where you get rewarded by the algorithm for making loud, obnoxious points so add that to the list (yesterday I saw that one of the top 3 reviews on Beloved by toni morrison is a 1-star review written by a white man and I was just flabbergasted by the lack of self-awareness) 

but anyway that’s like, more of a macro look at what I think is going on but you’re right that people are not very forgiving of flawed characters. to some extent, I get it; the one thing we don’t want our characters to do is annoy us, and that’s fair. but I also think people have lost the sense that “oh, this thing isn’t for me” and thus can’t successfully identify the difference between critical failure and personal dislike

now. as for Divination for Skeptics. let me start by saying it’s not like I don’t understand why people find hermione in Divination for Skeptics annoying, because I get it. if you’re taking the story very seriously then sure, maybe you want her to change her behavior and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t. fair enough! to that I say it’s a comedy and if you don’t find it funny you’re perfectly welcome to dislike it, it’s not a big deal to me if I don’t make you laugh. however, I DO take issue with people who claim she’s too flawed or doesn’t grow, because they almost always do it in a very specific way: they say that she doesn’t show enough empathy, aka how dare she not read draco’s mind and simply alter her personality and behavior to suit his. it genuinely infuriates me that in my opinion, people who voice that particular “criticism” have seemingly internalized the belief that women should be emotionally perceptive; that for them, hermione’s “flaw” is that she does not take on the emotional labor that draco refuses to perform. (her actual flaw is that her survival technique/coping mechanism is a hyper-rationality that incorrectly assumes she has perfect information; i.e., that everything she knows is accurate, and therefore all of her decisions must be sound.) whereas draco knows this about her—knows and acknowledges it—and yet cannot bring himself to voice his feelings out of a fear-based desire to hedge his own emotional risk. who, then, is more flawed in the context of the story? 

I don’t really have a conclusion yet so I’m going to pause for now and we’ll revisit this; I think mainly it’s that the more media diversifies, the more people will struggle with the preconceptions they have and the presumption that everything they consume is for them, and therefore that they are the metric for whether something is “good.” I think good art, good media, will reflect the world as it exists, but it will still only be the world according to one tiny fraction, a sliver of the actual human experience. does bad representation mean bad art? when it harms people yes. but when it speaks to a deeper truth (the truth of “we are all given to vice and imperfection even if it is not this specific version”), no. but that requires quite a degree of sophistication and self-awareness to identify, hence the discomfort of continuous vitriol or bad takes

[tinumiel]

Time for the tea aka I just finished Rule of Wolves

Spoiler alert...I...was kind of really disappointed by it :/

NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE’S SPOILERS OVER SPOILERS FOR KING OF SCARS AND RULE OF WOLVES BELOW THE READ MORE...Also a long ass essay no one asked for, I just needed to vent.

General Impression.

I was kind of disappointed, because the duology was sold as a Nikolai Lantsov duology, and while I definitely felt that was delivered in King of Scars, I feel like in Rule of Wolves he just sort of became a secondary character to the stories of others like Nina and Zoya (which don’t get me wrong, I love that they gain protagonism, but then why sell the whole thing as Nikolai centered?). That said, I loved Nina’s entire storyline and really enjoyed the Shu Han plot (which I think sets up quite nicely for a new, independent storyline).

Things I DID NOT like.

First I’ll speak of things that I didn’t like but more because of personal preferences. That is, things I didn’t like, but I can see why other did enjoy.

Zoyalai. I guess this has a lot to do with the fact that I am a Nikolina shipper first and a human being second and it’s hard for me to let go of a ship once I’ve invested myself in it. I wanted to like Zoyalai, and I did for the majority of King of Scars, but in Rule of Wolves, it suddenly started to feel kind of forced to me. I think they have a lot of things in common, but differ in very fundamental aspects that on the long run simply wouldn’t make them work. But more than that, I felt like their entire lovestory in Rule of Wolves was basically some kind of Nikolina AU in which everything that a very large chunk of the fandom wanted to see with Nikolai x Alina, was given to Zoya x Nikolai. It almsot felt as if Leigh Bardugo said “Oh well, the fans really wanted to see this, but since I gave the character they wanted to see in it a different ending, I’ll just give it to them but with a different character” and Zoya was just the one available for the plot. They did have some cute moments and I definitely do enjoy their relationship, but more as confidents and friends than lover interests.

Zoya’s storyline. I feel like Zoya was done dirty in Rule of Wolves, which is kind of ironic considering she ends the story with pretty much everything she dreamed of and more. But i felt like in King of Scars, Zoya went through a very interesting journey. She was always this character than sticks almost stubbornly into a certain way things should be, she doesn’t like stepping out of her comfort zone because she likes to feel in control. And in King of Scars she went through a journey in which she gradually learned to step outside the box. But I felt like for the most of Rule of Wolves, she simply reverted back, completely ignoring her changes in the previous book, until the very last minute in which she has this sudden epiphany moment about letting go, which seemed unnecessary to me since she had already experienced it in King of Scars. Secondly, on a similar note with the whole Zoyalai being a Nikolina AU with a different character, I felt like in Rule of Wolves Zoya was simply shoved into the alternate role many of us hoped to see Alina in. Not just as Nikolai’s partner, but as a person. Think of it, she gained this power no one else possesses, she becomes pretty much one of a kind, she becomes a queen that represent reunification. It’s basically as if she became a version of what Alina could have been, but with a different personality. A soldier queen? Alina was a soldier. A grisha queen? Alina was grisha. A suli queen? Alina was not half suli, but she is half shu, which are pretty much equally discriminated against. And finally, there’s this part in which I think it’s Nikolai refers to her as “Soldier. Summoner. Saint”. Sounds familiar? Because it’s the exact same words written on every cover of the Shadow and Bone trilogy, referring to Alina. It makes me very upset that they gave Zoya this discarded storyline for Alina instead of building up her own storyline (Not to mention: it did Alina equally dirty because she lost all of those conditions because Mal couldn’t handle being in the shadow of someone extraordinary, but that’s another story). 

Not for things I didn’t like, but for much more rational reasons.

The Darkling. When I finished reading King of Scars, I thought bringing him back was a pretty good plotwist. But it was also a tricky choice, because it coul fall into the “He was such a appealing villain tor readers in the first trilogy, I’ll bring him back to have the same success” trap. And that’s exactly what happen. I feel like if a villain (or any character really) is going to be brought back, then they have to fill in a different role from the one they originally occupied. The Darkling is basically the same. Even his conditions aren’t fundamentally that different once he gets his powers back. All the Darkling really needs are his powers, his tongue and a group of people desperate enough for someone to follow. And he had all of those things in Rule of Wolves, so it was simply repetitive. It was like the Darkling, but in rags.Plus it didn’t feel so much as a storyline, but more like a constant reminder of “LOOK HOW EVIL HE IS HE NEVER CARED FOR ANYONE. THAT QUOTE YOU PEOPLE LOVE SO MUCH ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY MEANINGLESS LOOK HOW MUCH HE SUCKS”. Like, I don’t need to be reminded he’s a bad guy, I am fully capable of knowing this and still liking his character. He’s a fictional character, I don’t need to be reminded of it. I’m capable of rational thought. Not to mention his ending felt like a huge nothing. “And he impaled himself to a tree”. It just felt like more of an excuse to set up for a Six of Crows #3 book. It’s just disrespectful to the fascinating character from Shadow and Bone. It basically took away everything that made him such a good character.

David dying.Fine, not much rational reasons here. It’s just doing my baby dirty. Why, oh why is Mal still alive, boring, toxic Mal who spent most of his time putting his love interest down; while David, sweet David who compromised and made an effort to do things that would make his wife happy even though it was hard for him, dies? It’s just cruel. 

All in all, I felt like the Ravka storyline pretty much fell apart in Rule of Wolves. I almsot felt tempted to skip it if it wasn’t because I didn’t want to miss any Nikolai quotes. I felt like Leigh Bardugo doesn’t really know what to do with the characters, and it became pretty obvious to me during the titanium heist with the special guest starring of the Crows. In like two chapters, I felt like Kaz, Jesper and Wylan were more smoothly written than any of the Ravkans. Which was really sad for me, considering how Nikolai is my favorite character in the entire verse, and Zoya was such an amazing character in the original series (and in KOS too).

What I DID LIKE.

Nina’s storlyine. Just, all of it. It was exciting, and dynamic, and you could perceive Nina’s character arc while still never straying into ooc territory. The way her griedf was treated, her loyalties, her desire to fight, her desire for revenge but also her desire to honor Matthias’s memory. All of it was so flawlessly written. I thought I’d be bored with her stuck in the Ice Court, but it was the storyline I actually enjoyed the most. The Fjerdan intrigues and political battles, and Nina in the midst of it. trying to do what was best for her country and the people she loved.  I love what was done to her character.

On the same note, I love Nina and Hanne. This, unlike my problem with Zoyalai, is a case in which, while I adored an original ship, I actually ended up enjoying the new one. Matthias and Nina were perfect for each other. But I loved how Hanne came to offer a new love. (I’m not sure if I should refer Hanny as she or he, so I’ll just use they until I get a better notion of what pronouns the character identifies with). It genuinely felt  like they were not a replacement for Matthias, or an upgrade. They were a love interest on their own, with their own story, not a “what if” version of another love story. Plus, Hanne is just objectively great.

The Shu-Han storyline. I didn’t even know I needed it, but it was so fascinating to read about the Shu. I find there is a lot to unpack and I really hope in the future, Leigh Bardugo will write a new series  following those characters. I loved Mayu and Ehri and grandmother Leyti. Plus, Mahki would make a great antagonist. And it would suppose a new colorfun addition to the countries we already know well, like Ravka and Fjerda, plus the city of Ketterdam.

The Crows. I know it was probably pure fan service, but I love just how well written they are, how you can really tell that Leight Bardugo has the complete hang and understanding of the characters. Plus, it’s always nice to see how my babies are doing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

All in all, I felt that the book had some highlights, but some decisions just pretty much ruined it for me. I hope the good parts are picked up and carried on in different sagas, and the rest...well, I guess I’ll keep on pretending the Ravka story finished when Alina and Nikolai were watching the stars fall and from then on, imagine they got marries, became an awesome power couple, and were the godparents of all of Genya and David’s beautiful, clever children. While Zoya looked upon all of them like “These are a pack of idiots but they are my pack of idiots and I am so proud”.

If you read this rant until the end, you’re awesome. If you liked Rule of Wolves, damn you are so lucky and I am glad you enjoyed it like I wish I had. But at least we can all join together under one common thought: Jarl Braum is a little bitch.