#because he was afraid the cow might hurt the baby?

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Christmas Celebration

So. When I started typing this. The poll had said that Fluff was wanted with a small lead. The whole time while typing it it was even (seriously how did you do that?!) and as soon as i finish suddenly Lore won?

No. You guys are getting fluff now >:D

First Drabble (original prompt by @spotaus ) Prev Drabble Next Drabble

(also for those curious this ended up being 3700 words so strap in and get ready)

*----------------------*

Nightmare wakes up early. Very early.

He isn’t that surprised. Not really. How can he really be?

Nightmare takes a moment to check how he is captured this time. Seems like Killer is completely wrapped around him and Horror holding both him and Killer. Dust and Cross are on his other side.

Mmmh… A bit more complex.

Probably his own fault for sneaking out of bed and the nest as often as he does. Still. He isn’t about to be discouraged about it.

Some wiggling and scooting and a lot of patience later and he is next to the bed.

Hah. Nightmare pats himself down before walking towards the chair holding their clothes.

It is still a bit weird but also nice to be spending a few nights at Crop’s and Straw’s. The two brothers had invited all of them to spend Christmas with them. Christmas here being all about family and spending time with them.

Horror had obviously wanted to go but he hadn’t immediately said yes. Said they would talk about it first. Which Nightmare gets. Dust still has issues with seeing anyone who resembles his own brother.

But as soon as Horror had told them about the invite Dust must have also seen how badly Horror wanted to spend more time with his best friend. Meaning he had said it would only be fair to say yes and spend time with them.

Killer had quickly agreed and Cross had seemed curious about the whole holiday as well.

Which leads them to here.

Nightmare finishes putting on his extra socks and his bat hoody. He puts on a beanie over his skull. He still is sensitive to the cold and he had to promise all of them that he would make sure he was dressed warm if he exited to nest.

Now fully dressed he slowly sneaks downstairs. It is still dark out but he doesn’t mind too much. A glance at the clock confirms it is nearing the normal time that Horror and Cross get up. Thought with the longer nights and the cold neither are as quick to wake up unless they turn on their own alarms.

Nightmare gets downstairs and spots Straw and Crop both getting ready to go outside. Nightmare takes a seat on the stairs and tilts his skull at them “Where are you going?”

Both of them jump and turn quickly. Straw sighs but grins “Wowie. You are a very sneaky babybones.”

Nightmare shrugs as he waits for his answer.

Crop chuckles “We are going to check the animals. Make sure they made it through the night and got enough things to drink and eat for the day.” He looks considerate at Straw and Straw nods with a large grin and a begging look.

Crop laughs but looks at Nightmare “Want to come along? Or do you think your dads will kill me if you come with?”

Embarrassed and Nightmare shrugs “I mean… if we leave a note I think they will not panic?” he isn’t sure what to even call them at this point. Not after everything. He tries not to think about it too much.

Straw looks so excited “Do you want to come? You can pet Betty again. And maybe pet some of the chickens?” as Straw speaks Crop is looking through the jackets and snowboots to find Nightmare’s set.

Nightmare ends up nodding and walking over. Straw quickly goes to grab some paper and a pen to leave the note as Crop hands over the outdoor wear. He dresses himself and waves off the help offered by Crop. It is just… he is fine dressing himself… mostly… He just lets the gang do it and help him because it makes it faster and they are.. well them!

Tying his shoes takes longer but works alright in the end. Even if the loops are a little… loose looking and not as tied when Cross does it for him.

Even so he pulls his hood up tightly over his beanie covered skull and gets ready for the cold.

Crop opens the door and Nightmare shivers a bit as the cold air penetrates through his jacket a bit. Not as bad as before but that is because of all the extra layers he is wearing.

Straw suddenly looks a bit unsure “You okay? Maybe this isn’t a good idea after all…” he shoots Crop a nervous look.

Crop looks at him “You still want to come?”

Nightmare huffs and nods trying to appear certain and determined. It is only after Crop starts to smile and Straw coos slightly that Nightmare remembers he is still wearing his frog beanie and his bat hoody. Sure there is a jacket over that but it is still not the most serious look.

He carefully walks through the snow and pauses to test a few steps. His spine had been starting to feel a bit better but he best not irate it by falling over and hurting himself.

It is a slow journey but they get to the chicken coop and Crop unlocks the little latch to let them into the area. Straw quickly grabs the stored food and easily jumps over the little fence to join their side.

Crop grins and opens the coop and must see the confusion on Nightmare’s face. Crop chuckles “They aren’t the biggest fans of the cold.”

Nightmare huffs and nods in slight agreement. He gets that. He isn’t either.

Crop chuckles but continues “But. It is good for them to get some fresh air and move around a bit. It is why I like opening the hatch at least for the morning feeding.”

Straw joins his side by crouching down and opening the bag with seeds and some wheats “We can throw this out a bit for them. Encourage them to come outside before filling up the reserves inside the coop.” Straw grabs a hand and shows how he spreads it around.

Nightmare looks at his own mitten covered hand but grabs a tiny hand before spreading it out around the coop.

Some soft clucks and some chickens slowly waddle out. Looking very suspicious of the snow but clearly wanting the food. They slowly get nearer.

Straw grins and holds some food out for the chickens in his hands. Letting the chickens get closer and once they are close slowly letting it fall to the ground. The chicken starts to eat and Straw pets it. Straw grins at him “See? Easy does it. The girls are all very nice!”

Nightmare frowns but slowly grabs a small hand himself as he holds it out. One of the birds looks at the food he is offering and slowly walks over. Giving soft clucks along the way. Nightmare drops the food when she is close. The chicken pauses before starting to peck away at it. Nightmare inches a few tiny steps closer and pets the chicken. He obviously can’t feel the feathers through his gloves but the idea is nice.

Huh. He… just realised this is actually the first time he is near the animals on his own two legs. The first time he stayed here he remained inside the whole time. His back still too weak to even sit alone for a long time much less stand on his own. The only times he was near any of the animals it was when Dust held him and only near Betty once or twice.

So much had changed.

Crop pops out of the coop and dusts himself off “That is their feeds being filled again. Lets go to Betty next.”

Nightmare frowns as he looks at the coop “Don’t they need to be inside first?”

Straw nods “When we lock it certainly! But they need a moment for themselves outside and will soon realise there is also food inside. Then they will go back in themselves!”

Crop nods and gently nudges some of the chickens away from the fence as he unlocks the hatch again “Ready for the barn?”

Nightmare nods and walks towards the small gate after making sure his gloves are empty of any chicken food.

They leave the little chicken area and move towards the barn.

The inside of the barn is warmer and Nightmare watches as both Crop and Straw remove their scarfs and their gloves. Nightmare keeps his on, thank you very much, it is still cold even if it is a bit less cold.

Crop leads the way and they find the cow relaxing in one of the pen things inside the barn.

Crop pets the cow “Hey there girl. How are you today?” Betty moos and pushes into the affection.

Nightmare is a bit unsure… the cow looks so much… bigger now… He kinda gets why Cross is afraid of them now… it is big and strong and can probably easily break one of his bones… probably more bones at once… he isn’t the strongest of sturdiest anymore and-

“You remember Nightmare right?” Crop sounds gentle as he speaks to Betty. The cow flaps one of her ears and looks around a bit. Spotting Nightmare hiding partly behind the wooden wall of the pen. Oh no.

Crop looks over and smiles “Ready to pet her again?”

Nightmare feels a bit more unsure and shrugs “I dunno…” how to get out of this?

Straw gives him a gentle nudge forwards “It will be nice!”

Nightmare isn’t so sure but slowly walks closer. Animals either love or hate him. There is no in between… Sure Betty seemed okay before but that was with Dust near and Dust you don’t mess with.

Still he slowly gets closer and reaches an arm and hand out. it shakes slightly.

Crop speaks softly “Hey… no need to be nervous… she is very nice and gentle and there is no real wrong way of petting her.”

Hah! Sure. Nervous!

His mitten covered hand reaches the cow’s head and he slowly gives it a pet. One. Two. Three. He pulls his hand back and takes a few steps back. There. He did it. Full marks.

Crop frowns at him while straw grins “see? All good! And look! She still remembers you and liked your petting!” he nudges him again.

Crop gives his brother a smile “I think that is enough. I think I best get him back inside before the wind picks up or it starts snowing. You mind finishing up?”

Straw frowns but looks outside at the dark clouds in the sky “That is for the best. Snow is probably about to happen very soon.”

Crop thanks his brother and he and Nightmare start to leave the barn. Crop frowns at him “Why didn’t you say you didn’t want to pet her?”

Damnit. Not the best at acting still. Nightmare shrugs “it wasn’t big of a deal…” it is more of a mumble than anything. How does he explain that at first he had liked the idea but then seeing the cow from ground level and having to look up at it made him nervous?

They exit the barn and are two steps further when they hear the shout “Nightmare!”.

Crop and him look up to see Cross sprinting at them. He gets to their side and picks Nightmare up as he shoots the barn a nervous look before focussing on him “Are you okay? cold? Hurt? sore? Tired?” he checks his temperature and relaxes “you good… you are fine…”.

Crop smiles as he crosses his arms “We know what to watch out for.”

Cross looks away embarrassed but doesn’t let Nightmare go out of his hug “I know! I mean we know that. It is just… I woke up and well… he wasn’t there… and I saw the note and I just…” he keeps holding him close.

Crop nods “Fair enough. We were just on our way back. But if you could take him back I can stop by the chickens to check if they are in the coop again.”

Cross is already a few steps towards the house before Crop finishes speaking “Yes. I got Nightmare you good luck with your chores!” and he quickly goes back to the house.

Nightmare frowns up at Cross. Weird… Cross normally didn’t even want to walk into the direction of the barn as he knew Betty was there… yet he came running for him…

Nightmare feels warm and safe and confused as he just leans more into Cross’s hold. Sure he knew they were safe but… this is different… it feels more. He only really started to notice it lately just how… how at home it feels. To be with them. Near them.

They get back inside and Nightmare spots Horror immediately. Horror frowns at them and Cross looks away shyly “I euh… got him already and-”

Horror just shakes his skull and looks pointedly at Cross “The note said both Crop and Straw were with him.” he gives him a long look “No reason to run out without a jacket.”

Nightmare blinks and turns only to now notice that Cross isn’t wearing anything over his pjs. Nightmare blinks and looks disapproving at Cross “You could get sick.”

Cross looks slightly panicked between them “I just! I panicked!” and Nightmare feels Cross pull him even closer.

Horror sighs but looks unsurprised. He takes a few steps over and Nightmare feels Horror take him from Cross. Horror easily holds him with one arm before pushing Cross towards the bathroom “Go warm up. I will get you clothes after I got Nightmare out of his outdoor clothes.”

Cross looks ready to object but after taking a look to at Horror and him he relaxes and easily agrees. He disappears into the bathroom.

Nightmare frowns as Horror and him sit down and Horror helps him easily out of his jacket and snowboots. Nightmare looks at the bathroom door before looking back at Horror “Why did he run out? Was the note not okay?” he thought with a note it would be fine. A note was normally all any of the guys needed to leave for each other.

Horror snorts a she shakes his skull “The note was very clear. I think it was just the fact it wasn’t any of us with you that made him nervous.” Horror makes sure his beanie is on right before putting the stuff for outside back by the front door “which is something Cross himself has to work on. Trusting others outside of our tight circle.”

Nightmare nods. It isn’t that surprising. After all the betrayal Cross has had to deal with.

Horror does shoot Nightmare a knowing look “But I think it was very brave of him. He ran towards the barn right?” Nightmare nods and Horror grins “very brave seeing as he considers that Betty’s territory.”

Nightmare feels that same warm and safe feeling again as he crosses his arms. Almost as if he is trying to hide the feeling as he mutters “I thought the same…”

Horror rubs his skull and Nightmare feels himself relax “Don’t worry about it okay? he is fine.” Then more thoughtful “Well… unless I get him clean clothes. Give me a moment.” And he disappears upstairs.

Nightmare still feels warm and cozy and safe and… well…

Loved.

--

Nightmare sits on the counter as he watches Horror, Straw and Crop work on dinner together. It is a whole thing and they had been at work since just after lunch. Straw is working on this giant turkey while Crop works on the side dishes. Horror is in charge of the desert and Nightmare just watches them work together.

It is nice. Even if he isn’t allowed to help.

Cross, Killer and Dust are moving stuff around in the living room. Setting up the table and games or something.

Straw checks the turkey again before nodding and moving towards the counter to work on this mutter mixture he had been dripping over the bird every so often “I still can’t believe none of you have ever celebrated Christmas!”

Yeah that is another thing that Nightmare just doesn’t know what it is exactly.

Horror snorts as he works on the frosting “Told you. Most of us only celebrated Gyftmas underground. And that was all about presents more than anything.”

Nightmare swings his legs as he gives his own answer “My universe just… didn’t have it.” hard to have  winter holiday without winter “just had harvest celebrations and stuff like that.” And the only one who ever got gifts was Dream anyway. So a party? To focus on celebrating family? It sounds real nice.

Straw looks deeply troubled by this “A child never having had the chance to experience the joy of Christmas? Ah. The multiverse is a rough and cruel place and fate is beyond unfair.”

Horror snorts and nods “Very true.”

Crop frowns “We aren’t big on presents with Christmas in this universe… if we had known…”

Horror shakes his skull “No worries. None of us celebrated it in a long time and it has… rough memories for all of us. This is nice. A new tradition.” Horror looks at what he made and holds a tiny spoon up to Nightmare “What do you think? Tasty enough?”

Nightmare gives Horror an unimpressed look “Everything you make is tasty.” But he isn’t going to pass up a chance for an early taste and happily tastes it. As expected. Delicious. He hums happily and nods “Very tasty.”

Horror chuckles and puts the frosting in the fridge before moving on to the next part of the cake.

Nightmare is eventually removed from the kitchen to wait with the others in the warm fireplace lit living room. Something about making sure he is safe as the kitchen is about to be hectic. Which is just nice words for him having to stay out of the way.

Killer pokes his cheek and grins “such a grumpy baby.”

Nightmare pouts and crosses his arms “I could have helped…” somehow…

Killer grins “Of course. Just not in the chaos and hectic energy of preparing a bit feast. The timing is everything and can get stressful.”

Nightmare gets it but still…

Killer grins “If it makes you feel any better. Us three were banned from the very beginning. You were at least allowed to stay in the kitchen with them for most of the prep.”

Cross looks insulted but Dust just shakes his skull at him.

Killer grins “What? We all know it is the truth.” And he winks at Nightmare.

Huh… that does make him feel a bit better.

A bit later the three cooks bring out the food and they sit at the table.

You would think that seven at the table would get complex but they manage. Nightmare is pretty sure they made the seating arrangement with Dust’s situation in mind.

Seeing as Horror is sitting between Dust and Straw. Making it almost impossible for Dust to see the other Papyrus. And with Straw speaking in another accent the voice is not familiar enough to trigger him.

Killer sits at the table head, next to Dust. And Nightmare sits on his other side with Cross on his own other side. Crop sits across from his brother next to Cross. The other head end of the table is against the wall.

It is nice. Straw proudly cuts his turkey as Horror easily moves the dishes around the table to whoever has an interest.

It is all delicious and smells so nice. Everyone is relaxed and laughing and just enjoying themselves.

Everyone it so happy.

After the main course Cross helps with putting the food away as Horror puts the last few finishing touches to his cake which he brings out. It is vanilla with delicious banana frosting with tiny chocolates. It is so good and everyone agrees.

Nightmare is honestly feeling sleepy already by the time it is time to play some games and relax by the fireplace. Nightmare is on the same team as Dust and leans heavily against him as they start a game of catan.

Nightmare feels himself fall asleep before everyone even had their first turn.

He just hears them talk as he dozes against Dust’s side. He feels himself be moved and he makes sure to make his displeasure known. Dust just mumbles a soft reassurance to him that he can stay asleep. He leans against the other and hears Dust’s soulbeat against the side of his skull.

It is calm and soft and Nightmare feels his whole being relax more and more. His own soul slowing and calming down as well.

The feeling is familiar at this point. He gets it a lot when he is being held by any of them. But it is so much clearer and so much stronger when he feels sleepy.

Like another hug. Relaxing him more and more and pulling him towards sleep.

He isn’t sure how long he stays just like that. In Dust’s lap and arms. Happily half asleep as he listens to the others. Sometimes sleeping fully for short periods of time.

Nightmare is pulled from his sleep as Dust gets up. He blinks open his sockets and looks around confused, why are they moving?

Dust nuzzles his skull and mutters softly against his skull “we are just going to bed.”

Nightmare hums and pushes closer to Dust again. Following the soft reassurance send to him form the adult soul so close. Calling out to his very being that it is okay to sleep and rest.

He notices that someone is helping him into his pjs and helps him brush his teeth. Nightmare can still hear movement downstairs as the others no doubt clean up everything.

Nightmare is laid down in bed and he immediately pushes his skull deeper into the pillow.

A soft chuckle “Comfy tiny boss?”

Oh. Killer is with him now?

Nightmare just hums. A weight joins him and a blanket is pulled over him. Two arms pull him close and another adult soul is near. Different then Dust’s. Much louder. So it really is Killer. The message remains the same though. It is safe. I got you. You can rest.

Just… He knows that is the message.

Killer hums and whispers to him “That is it baby. Just sleep.”

Nightmare pushes closer to the other and willingly succumbs to sleep. *----------------------*

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[aesterea]

What is aec?

hi! thank you so much for asking!!

AEC is short for Arcane Elements Cycle, which is a series of books i'm writing. AEC follows the twisted love story of a wicked young woman named Asteria and an evil Sorcerer as they desolate each other and everything around them in their competition to take over the world.

i'm taking this as an opportunity to offer a taste of my writing. here are some quick snippets from the drafts!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It was not that Asteria loved the darkness. It had always seemed that the darkness loved Asteria.

[...] Asteria could not deny the odd comfort of being wrapped up in the still universe, like a baby swaddled in blankets.

[...] Asteria sat and dreamed until she felt so far away from herself she thought she might never return, a silent ghost silhouetted against the night.

[...] Asteria’s reputation was, simply put, alarming. Rumors had haunted her as long as she could remember, whispers that she was a demon’s child, she was a tragic soul, she would end badly.

[...] No master of any craft would take her. She was not allowed in the market for fear her presence would rot the fruit. She was not allowed near the farms for fear she’d corrupt the cows.

[...] Her [hair] hung loose, a curtain of dark down to her hips.

[...] She thought, if she looked hard enough, she might see her fate waiting with open arms and a wicked grin.

[...] What did [the Sorcerer] do? Where was she to begin? A hundred stories flashed through her mind. Fire-haired maidens and goblets of blood, dragon fire and eternal mazes, poisonous gardens and doorways to hell.

[...] Here she was in the grasp of a monster— a killer, a captor, a crazed demon-crafter— and he was leading her straight to salvation.

[...] A mountain range had appeared, bright and white and stretching. These were nothing like the hills [where she grew up], which were like spoonfuls of sugar dumped carelessly into a bowl, gently sloped and rolling. No, these were the image of majesty.

[...] If she’d wanted to meet a madman in the earliest hours of the day before dawn on the coldest night of the year, Asteria would have brought a coat.

[...] He must have put [a certain thing] out there just to torture her. He must have seen the flicker of pain on her face. He must have been satisfied, because he spoke.

“Darling, you don't look too well.”

She could have laughed at his false concern. She did not. Instead, she set a cold gaze upon him that she did not feel in her heart, and waited. Waited. Waited.

[...]  She lost her breath and had to catch it again. His laugh was a pure, dark ripple. It hurt to hear him laugh again.

[...] There was no anger in his voice. [Only the deepest] sorrow. “We were so close. Do you remember?”

[...] “So what have you come to me for? What more could I do for you? [Conquer] you another empire? Lay down my life? Again?”

[...] This [beautiful madman] who had built her up and made her a force to be reckoned with. He had made her strong and she had [ruined him] in return. Now she had come to give him a final blow.

Asteria guarded her heart and began her destruction of the one she loved most.

[...] "I am the girl who loved the monster, and I will not be afraid."

[tsundere-selfship]

since i sent you the game i wanted to send an ask for it!!!

so i'm gonna ask these ones for teucer!! giving you three because i want to see you ramble about him- i love you and i love seeing you love him 🥺

💬 - What do they call you and your f/o (ex: momma, dad, ren, ect.)?

🐶 - What kind of pet would they beg for? How successful were they in getting it?

👻 - Do they have any phobias/fears, rational or not?

I AM SO MAD I SPENT OVER TWENTY MINUTES TYPING THIS RESPONSE ONLY FOR TUMBLR TO EAT IT. I can redo it.

anyway HELL YEAH TEUCER TIME!!

💬 - Honestly, I really like the names Dad, Daddy, or even Dada. Often my f/os will be referred to as Papa or sometimes Pawpaw, but I think these would work for me as well. As for Teucer specifically, he usually just uses Daddy or sometimes Baba.

🐶 - While I do think a dog would work well with Teucer because of how active he is and how much he loves to play, I can imagine Teucer really wanting an animal he would see on farms he visited when he was younger, like a goat, chicken, or even a baby cow. But I think his favorite would be a sheep or lamb. This works out perfectly, because a lamb would he very gentle and respond well to touch. They aren't aggressive or might hurt him if he bugs the animal like a goat or chicken, and would teach Teucer great respect for animals at his age. He begs for one every time he sees them at an auction, though we've never been able to take one home because we're always busy at the time, or on our way to somewhere else. That is, until I surprise him when one day I come one with one of these guys by the front door:

Teucer would be so excited and totally try to befriend the animal, hopefully successfully :]

👻 - Rationally, Teucer is quite afraid of illnesses. Not on himself, exactly, but when he sees Childe, I, or a pet have gotten sick, he usually cries, either around me or alone until I can find him. He's used to sickness rendering his friends and family bedridden, especially in harsh seasons when we're low on resources. He knows sickness can spell one's end. He's valid and I understand where he's coming from, but I try my best to assure him everyone is going to be okay.

Additionally, Teucer is afraid of butterflies. He just isn't used to them, having grown up in the snow. The first time one landed on his skin, he screamed and ran away, flailing and crying until he couldn't see it anymore. The sound they make and how fast they move just freak him out. Even seeing a pair of brightly colored wings on the ground is enough to send him hiding behind my leg, the poor kid. I can imagine he would have a similar reaction to moths as well.

[the-badger-mole]

Happy Birthday

"I'm bored!" Toph complained. "Why do I even have to be here?" Katara rolled her eyes as she rubbed her distended belly. The young heir in her womb was in a mood today. 

You are your father's child, she thought as a tiny foot connected with her kidney. She turned to Toph and smirked.

 "You're here because my husband is paranoid, and Uncle wasn't able to get here before Zuko left."

 "But you're so boring!" Toph groaned. "You can't even spar with me because of that kid!”

"You mean your little niece or nephew?" Katara winced as her baby kicked her again.  She ran her hand over her stomach. "Settle down in there."

 "What's wrong with you?" Toph asked. She frowned as she turned towards Katara. "Are you hurt?"

"The baby is kicking today," Katara explained. "Hard." 

“I can't understand why you would willingly put yourself through this," Toph scoffed. "What's the upside? After the kid is born, it's all long nights and stinky diapers." Katara waddled across the room and lowered herself carefully onto the sofa beside Toph. 

"Well, I've always wanted kids," she said. "I've had enough experience delivering them to know what I'm getting myself into. Plus there's the whole line of succession thing."

“I would have let the monarchy end with Zuko and made the Fire Nation vote for their next leader." Toph folded her arms across her chest. At nineteen, she was absolutely certain she would never experience the maternal urges her friend had apparently harbored since she was old enough to understand the concept of motherhood. Katara just threw her head back and laughed.

"That's not a terrible idea," Katara chortled. "I'll run it by Zuko when he gets home. But I would still want to have his babies regardless." Toph shuddered in disgust.

The few men she had dated in her life were fun while they lasted, but she hadn't regretted the end of any of those relationships. She certainly wouldn't want to be tied to any of them by a child.

"If you say so, Fire Lady Sweetness." She stretched her arms over her head and leaned towards Katara curiously. "When are you due?" Katara reached around and rubbed the base of her spine, suppressing another groan.

 "About four weeks," she said. "That's why Zuko asked Aang to take him. He wants to get back from Ba Sing Se as quickly as possible."

“And why did I get stuck babysitting, again?" Toph asked. Katara grabbed a cushion and threw it at her friend she missed by a lot, but it didn't matter.

 "Stop whining!" she chided jokingly. "You know you missed m-eeeoooow!" Katara doubled over in pain. In an instant, Toph was at her side, all business and worry.

"What's wrong?" she asked frantically. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"

 "I'm fine!" Katara waved her off. "It’s been going on for a couple of days now. This happens when you get close to birth. Your body has practice contractions sometimes." Toph frowned at her unconvinced. 

"I am never having kids," she swore. 

"It's definitely not for everyone."   Katara chuckled. Then she let out another low groan."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Toph asked. Katara nodded and pulled herself off of the sofa. Sitting was too uncomfortable at the moment.

"I'm fine," she reassured her friend. Then she doubled over and let out a sound that reminded Toph of the lowing of a goat-cow.

“You do not sound okay!" Toph jumped up and tried to guide her friend back to the sofa to lie down. "Katara, you're scaring me!"

“I'm oka-oh no!" Toph heard the sound of something splashing on the ground. She frowned. She hadn't heard a glass tumble over.

“What?" she gasped. "What happened? Katara, what's going on?" There was a silence long enough for panic to settle over Toph before she heard a reply.

“Um...my...my water just broke," Katara said quietly. Toph's brow furrowed in confusion even as relief settled over her. 

"Okay...” Toph said. “So we'll have someone bring you another."

"No, Toph," Katara took a deep breath, and Toph thought it sounded like she was trying not to cry. "I mean the baby is coming. Now." 

 "WHAT?" Toph shrieked. She clamped onto Katara's arm, unsure of what she needed to do. Normally, when something like this happened, she would turn to Katara. But who did Katara turn to when she was the one who needed help?

”ZUKO! Toph called. "ZUKO!!!"

"Toph, he is thousands of miles away," Katara reminded her. "He can't hear you."

“You're having his baby!" Toph said frantically. "He has to hear me!" 

In spite of herself, Katara actually laughed a bit before she was cut off by another contraction

"Have someone send for a physician," she instructed Toph. "And then tell a servant I need someone to take me to my room." Toph nodded, glad to have some direction.

"Right!" she breathed. "Got it. Tell...someone to come help." She turned and ran off before Katara could say anything else. 

Fortunately, the entire palace was on alert for this. The Fire Lady was giving birth to the heir to the Fire Nation, after all. There was a well practiced protocol in place. Before long, the physician followed by a couple of the palace staff had arrived with a rolling bed and were loading Katara on to it. Toph breathed a sigh of relief that her friend was in the hands of people who actually knew what they were doing.

"Wait!" Katara cried as they began to wheel her off. She reached back for Toph. "Aren't you coming?" Toph shook her head.

"What do I know about childbirth?" she asked. "You'll be better off without me." Katara shook her head.

"Zuko isn't here," pain and pleading mingled in her voice. "I need you!" Toph shook her head.

“I'm no good with stuff like this!"[

"Please, Toph!" Katara begged. That shook Toph to her core. Katara didn't beg. "Please, Toph. I'm scared! I can't do this alone!"

That did it. Toph straightened her shoulders and went to take her friend's hand. 

"Fine," she grumbled. "I'll go with you. But you had better not splash anything gross on my feet!"

At first, Toph found the whole birth process a bit anti-climactic. After all the drama of Katara's water breaking and her contraction pains, the kid was still not ready to come out.

Toph sat dutifully at Katara's bedside, cracking jokes and keeping her water glass filled. After a while, she began to wonder if Katara was even in labor after all, but the periodic groans of pain testified that she was.

"At this rate, Zuko will be home before this kid is born," Toph said. Katara sighed as she froze a bit of water to chew on.

 "Spirits, I hope so," she sighed. "I'm glad you're with me, but I really, really want Zuko here right now."

 "I'll try not to take offense," Toph deadpanned.  The truth was, though,Toph was sure that Katara couldn't be wishing harder than she was that Zuko would miraculously show up ahead of schedule. He'd only be a day or two early, after all...

"Ooooooooooh!" Katara groaned. That was happening more frequently, Toph noted. The physician and her assistants began fluttering around the room with more urgency.

"What's going on?" Toph asked nervously. 

"The baby's coming," Katara told her. She was trying to keep her breathing steady, but Toph could feel Katara's pulse quickening.

"The baby's been coming for four hours now!" Toph couldn't keep the complaint completely out of her voice. Childbirth was boring!

“No, Toph," Katara grabbed Toph's hand and squeezed. Hard. "It's time." 

"Ow!" Toph tried to pry her fingers free, but Katara's grip was vice-like. 

"I can't do this!" Katara sobbed through the contraction. "I can't do this. I need Zuko here!"

"He's too far away!" Toph reminded her. "I had someone send word, but I don't think it'll get to him in time." Katara shook her head vigorously.

 "I'll wait!" she declared. "I can't have this baby without him!"

Toph balked, momentarily distracted from Katara's grip on her hand. She had never seen Katara so...so...frightened. This was the same woman who had ended a century-long war and defeated the prodigy fire-bender princess of the Fire Nation. The same woman who had decided to move across the world and faced the impertinence of the Fire Nation's snobbiest royals in order to be with the man she loved. And she had reigned benevolently and wisely over those same snobs for two years! She couldn't do this without her husband?

"So, what's the plan here, Sugar Queen?" Toph demanded. "Just postpone giving birth? I'm pretty sure that's not how this works!" She tilted her head towards the physician for confirmation. The older woman nodded her head. In spite of the pain of Katara's grip on her hand, Toph smirked to herself. There was nothing to this child birthing stuff.

"I don't care!" Katara sobbed, squeezing her knees shut. "I have to wait for Zuko! We are supposed to do this together!"  Toph suppressed a groan.

 "I'm sure he's going to be sad he missed this, but Katara, you're having a baby!"

"I'm a healer!" Katara snapped. "I can hold this baby in until my husband gets home!" 

At any other time, Toph would have made fun of Katara's stubbornness, but she had been at Katara's bedside for hours, her hand hurt and she really, really needed to go to the bathroom!

"Your majesty, I'm afraid that might hurt the baby," the physician said, bowing and scraping as if Katara wasn't just the scrappy daughter of a barely noble family from the frozen south. Katara had experienced more in her nearly twenty-two years than this namby-pamby doctor had in all her life. Toph gritted her teeth until she was sure one of them had cracked. The physician was going to be useless here.

“Katara, stop being a brat!" Toph ordered. "You always have to have everything your way! Well, guess what? Zuko isn't here and you are having this thing whether you're ready or not!”

"Is that...supposed to be...be comforting?" Katara gasped.

"It's supposed to be accurate!" Toph snorted. "Look, you have two options. You can either put on your big girl pants and let this happen naturally, or you can be a bigger baby than the one you're pushing out of your white lotus, and make this harder than it has to be. Either way, that baby is coming out! So, what are you gonna do, Sugar Queen?"

Katara, still crying softly, slowly let her legs fall open. The physician let out a sigh of relief and went to work.

Toph had been blind from birth, but she had never really regretted not having that sense. Sure, she had no concept of colors, and she would never really be able to see the smiles of her loved ones, but she had been just fine without that stuff. This, though...this  was the first time she had ever been glad not to be able to see. As long as she lived, Toph knew she would never be able to forget the traumatic sounds of Katara’s agonized screaming. She would never forget the pain of the bone crushing grip on her hand. And she would never ever forget the fear she felt witnessing Katara go through what Toph knew had killed so many women before them. The birth of the heir of the Fire Nation throne was possibly the worst thing Toph had ever experienced.

After what felt like an age, the sounds of Katara's screams were replaced by the wailing of a baby. Katara finally released Toph's hand, and before the gore and viscera had even been cleaned from the tiny body, Katara had pulled her daughter into her arms and cooed as if she had never experienced a moment's pain in her life. Toph shook her head. She would never understand this part of the human experience.After a bit, the physician carefully pried the baby girl from Katara's arms so both mother and child could be cleaned up. It was done quickly and soon, the baby was returned to Katara.

"You did good, Sugar Queen," Toph sighed. Katara turned in her direction, and Toph knew she was smiling.

 "You did good, too, Auntie Toph." Katara reached out and took Toph's hand, gently this time. "Thank you."

“Welcome," Toph grumbled, extracting her hand. She wasn't quite ready to forgive Katara for that just yet. Katara just laughed, sounding tired, but happy. 

"What's her name?" Toph asked quietly.

"I'm going to wait for Zuko to get back so we can decide together," Katara told her. She shifted a bit towards Toph. "Do you want to hold her?"

Toph started to say no, but Katara had already guided her hand under the infant princess' head. She waited until Toph had a firm grip before pulling back.

Toph had been blind since birth, but she never really regretted not having that sense. Not really. She had been able to compensate in other ways. She would never know what her little niece's eyes looked like. Toph would never understand what it meant that the baby took after her mother's skin tone,  and had her father's smile, but she knew that few people would understand what it was to know what the baby's heartbeat felt like or truly understand the soft warmth of the baby's skin. Toph would never forget the awfulness of witnessing the baby's birth, but it paled in comparison to the memory of holding the first child she would ever love for the first time.

Part 1, Part 2

[laguera25]

An Open Letter to Richard Z. Kruspe on the Occasion of His 54th Birthday

When I was born, ten weeks prematurely and weighing a scant two-and-a-half pounds, the doctors told my parents not to bother naming me, as I would likely die very quickly, and even if I were to survive, I would likely be blind and helpless and profoundly retarded, unaware of, and unable to engage with, the world around me. Best to leave me be and let nature take its course. A few days of benign neglect, and it would all be over. If they were fortunate, there would be other, better children.

Fortunately for me, my parents gave the double-fingered salute to that bit of medical advice and took me home to do the best they could with very little money and no one to guide them through the strange and terrible country of life with a disabled child. I survived because my very country grandmother chucked out the baby formula that I wasn't digesting and fed me the cow's milk the doctors so solemnly swore would kill me.

There was so many milestones I missed, and of which my parents were deprived. I didn't sit up by myself until I was two. I never walked, never ran, though there are a few faded photos of me gamely pulling myself upright on chairs and the edges of coffee tables, trying to do what my brain said I ought, but my body too weak and miswired too obey. No play with other children, who were stronger and more rambunctious and would have bowled me over in all innocence. And as I grew older, no first dates or driving tests or prom dresses. No thought of an independent life.

What there was was endless rounds of physical and occupational therapy. Hours and hours on a brown vinyl mat, trying to lift my leg or raise my ass off the ground or make my hand write the words in my head. Hours and hours putting change into a slot or trying to tie shoelaces or forcing my hands into uncomfortable plastic splints for a chance at a fraction of more bodily control. While my school friends were out playing in the sun, I was inside beneath fluorescent lights, learning to button my shirt and comb my hair and brush my teeth. To hold a pencil. No time for joy, for peace, for figuring out who I was beyond this collection of aches and pains and deficiencies, just the endless tedium of learning to "be normal" and less of an imposition on the world around me.

And I did go to school. Despite the doctors' dire predictions, I was neither blind nor idiot. I was perfectly aware of the world around me, and smart. So much so that when I was nine, the school ordered an intelligence test. The score was so high that they thought it an error and made me take it again in front of witnesses. When the same score came back the second time, they wanted to move me two years ahead, but my mother, afraid it would both isolate me further and give me airs, refused. So, I stayed, face in the mat and hands in splints, learning advanced history and English, yet forced to put blocks into holes and put colored rings on a stick.

And so I lived this strange paradox for my entire childhood, the genius child that my mother crowed about to all her friends and anyone who would listen, and terrible burden who still had the coordination of a toddler, and who had ruined her dreams of ribbons and curls. When I was nine, she was convinced I could be made "normal"--or closer to it--any road, with a surgery. And so, the surgeons detached the muscles and ligaments in my legs from the bones and stretched them in an effort to relieve the spasticity. The surgeons were doing a kindness to relieve pain; by then, the muscles were so tight that when I was stood on my feet and held up, my feet rolled onto the instep and my knees pointed at each other. It was a measure of dignity.

To my mother, it was supposed to be a miracle, the cure that gave her the daughter she deserved.

I woke up screaming. The muscles and ligaments were unhappy with their new positions and weren't afraid to register their protest about this new state of affairs. They tried to administer morphine, but the levels needed to control the pain were dangerously high for a child, and so I was left to ride it out. I screamed and screamed and screamed. For thirteen hours.

My mother. who was so sure she had found her miracle, was taken into another room by an exhausted surgeon who had done the best he could, and told that at most, I might be able to walk across the room on a walker and take myself to the toilet. She screamed, too, then, at this man who had been on his feet for nine hours, trying to undo the mistakes of the hands that had formed me from the dust of the ground, and who would try to make me laugh every day when he came to check my progress. She called him a liar and a bastard and a son of a bitch, and family lore has it that she would have hit him had my father not intervened.

They tried to tell her. Kindly and patiently and incessantly, but she would not listen. God had told her I would be cured, and dammit, I would be. The day they cut my casts off and sent me home, they told her not to push me too hard, that my muscles needed time to adjust and build endurance. She said she understood, but when we got home, she ordered me to walk uphill to the house. I tried, I truly did, but it wasn't long before I hit muscle fatigue and started to cry. I want to stop, wanted my wheelchair.

And my mother, this woman who had once told the doctors who would have let me die to go fuck themselves, picked up a stick and started to beat me. "Be normal! Be normal!" Screaming and sobbing and flailing with this stick, and me screaming and begging and trying to stay upright. I don't know how long she would've kept going, but eventually, my stepfather appeared, wrested the stick away and threatened to beat her with it, and carried me into the house.

Here I must give my mother a sliver of credit even if I will carry the memory of that beating for the rest of my days. She was right, after a fashion. I did do more than walk across the room with a walker and take myself to the toilet. For a while, I even graduated to forearm crutches and quad canes, which might not sound like much, but when you were expected to do nothing, that's like climbing Everest in your underpants. My wheelchair gathered dust for years, but soon I had to choose between the demands of my education and the demands of my body. The latter simply lacked the energy to fuel both my mind and my muscles to the best of my their abilities, and since school was the only area of life in which I had ever excelled, there was no choice at all. Back into the chair I went. By the time I graduated high school, I could no longer use crutches, and by my third year at uni, even the walker was too much. These days, I cannot move myself without help, and arthritis has set in. I made my choice, and now I pay its price.

I tell you all of this to illustrate that whatever the fool doctors might have said as they clucked and tutted over my incubator, I was keenly aware of the world. Of everything I was missing while my mother insisted I just bootstrap myself out of my disability and be normal. Of her seething resentment of all that I was not. Of her wish that I was someone else.

There were two bands that got me through, kept me sane and kept me moving when all I wanted to do was just lie down and not get up. The first was Metallica, whom I discovered at thirteen, and who told me it was all right to be angry about my circumstances, to kick and scream and argue with God and call him a rotten bastard--as long as I kept living, kept getting up in the morning and trying to inch down the road. I didn't have to swallow my anger for fear of upsetting God and hurting my mother's chances of getting into heaven(my mother believes that I am a test she must pass in order to get into heaven; therefore, my suffering is irrelevant and should never be questioned, lest it anger Him. Don't ask; I don't get it.)

If Metallica was the band that gave me permission to be angry as long as I kept trying, it was Rammstein that told me it was okay to want more from life than an endless regimen of therapy and prayer and gratitude to a God that had, or so it seemed to me, sent me into the world with a ramshackle body and precious little armor or defense against the assholery of my fellow human beings and yet still expected me to praise His holy name allelu. To want joy and friends and human contact. To have a libido and ogle whatever flipped my switches. To, in short, be human, and more than just a symbol of all my mother's broken hopes.

I discovered the band through a book, believe it not. I found a copy of Tom Reynolds' <i>Touch Me, I'm Sick</i> in a Barnes and Noble I had gone into to browse and hide from a cataclysmic thunderstorm, and in it, he began to talk about a band called Rammstein and a song called "Heirate Mich." The more I read, the more gloriously improbable it all seemed, and the harder I laughed. By the time I got to the line, "As the music pounds like a collapsing factory...", there were tears streaming down my face, and I was having trouble breathing. The saleslady must've worried I was having a stroke.

And so it was that I found the key to everything that would come after. From the book to my creaking dial-up Internet(don't laugh, it was what I could afford as a broke-ass cripple on the government dole) to the CD shop, where I blew my food budget on Rammstein CDs and lived on Hamburger Helper for weeks. This is a terrible dietary choice, by the way, but at least I had Rammstein music in my ears all day, every day. A few weeks later, I put another dent in my food budget buying all the DVDs. Ah, the vigor and stupidity of youth. If I tried that foolery now, I'd be semiconscious on the floor in a day and a half. Back then, I had a more stalwart constitution.

I knew by the second song I heard that Rammstein was going to be special to me. My German, which consisted of a year of study in high school and a disastrous two years in college, was pretty poor, but thanks to snooping around Internet forums and squinting at grainy videos, I knew much of your catalogue dealt with taboo subjects. I didn't care. For all its dark subject matter, the music made me want to dance. It made me feel something other than apathy and a persistent wish for this whole mess to be over and my soul to be recycled into a body that didn't make me want to scream until I was too tired to do anything but sleep.

And I did dance. Constantly. Seldom in public because dancing in a wheelchair often looks like the Devil is trying to stick his finger up your ass, but often at home, just shimmying away until the chair developed some alarming creaks and the bolts needed adjustment. Rammstein made me happy. It made me curious. It made me want to see just how much was out there.

And, if I am honest, it made me want to see those silver MC Hammer pants for myself. The combination of those pants and the diaper rash cream in your hair was a striking look for you, if I may say so, though perhaps not so grand as the black spikes and the lion pants you wore with such swaggering panache on the Reise, Reise tour. Alas, this was not to be, as I suppose you had wearied of slathering ass cream for infants in your hair. I can't blame you, though I suppose it must've been a sad day, indeed, for the ointment companies. Still, those Hammer pants and their Reynolds Wrap, space-age splendor will always hold a special place in my heart.

Stymied in my hope to witness for myself the wonders of those Hammer pants--and those lion pants as well, as it turned out, oh, unhappy hour, long may they reign in the storage closet--I nonetheless wanted to see a Rammstein show. Not much chance of that, the morose American fans assured me. The band hadn't come here since they foolishly took the American commitment to freedom of expression at face value and Till and Flake landed in the Puritan pokey for playing Loose the Dachshund into the Badger Burrow in front of delighted fans. Besides, the band's management had scant interest in repeating that little experiment.

Even so, I held out hope. I hung out on message boards and kept me ear to the ground. You can imagine my delight when the MSG show was announced. I wasn't so foolish as to think I could attend, mind you; New York might as well have been the moon for someone who cannot safely fly, but it was fun to indulge in a bit of wistful what-if? What if I could find a way to get there that wouldn't give me a lethal clot? What if I could score tickets? What if I could afford a hotel in Manhattan where the rats and roaches wouldn't kill me in my sleep or carry me off to be devoured in the sewer system? These were all very big ifs for someone who lived in the boonies and was only supposed to spend money on medical expenses and basic bills. Besides, MSG was going to sell out before I could gimp my way to the phone.

Knowing all of this, I took to my blog to whine and moan and feel sorry for myself. It wasn't fair, I whinged to the ether. I had wanted to see Rammstein for so long, but it just wasn't possible. It was too expensive and too far and too haaaaard. And woe is me.

And then...

And then...

And then a bossy German lady dropped a punk alarm in my inbox.

I don't remember now how or why she came to my blog. Maybe she was drawn by an unconventional perspective on life and fandom and moving through the world, or maybe she just wanted to snortle at my friend and I's discussions of your sartorial splendor and the ridiculous dramas going on in the Rammstein fandom at the time. Either way, she'd been been watching my sulking and stropping for a few days, until she'd reached her limit and this woman, who had never said an unkind word to me in years, called me a coward. Just straight up said that I could either find my spine, stop pissing and moaning, and try my hardest to see Rammstein in New York, or I could keep being a coward and making excuses. But make my choice and stop sniveling because she was tired of hearing about it.

At first, I was stunned. Of all the things I had ever been called, a coward was not one of them. Then I was mad. How DARE she call me a coward when she had no idea how much pain I was in most of the time or how difficult it was to move around a world that had never been designed for me and been but grudgingly retrofitted by handymen who thought that grab bars fixed everything!

So I stewed and pouted for a few hours, but the longer I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. I hadn't tried very hard to research my options. I hadn't checked hotels or called the venue or gotten my finances in order. I had claimed Rammstein was so important and meaningful to me, but I hadn't shown it. I had assumed defeat before I'd even started the charge up the the hill and wallowed in self-pity. Sure, maybe I was right and I wouldn't be able to go, but I'd never know if I didn't square up and try.

Before I proceed, a word about the tried-and-true deutscher Fuss zum Arsch(not another aside in a letter full of them, I hear you cry as your eyes begin to glaze. I know, Mr. Kruspe, believe me, but if you speak to the world through your guitar strings, I speak through my keystrokes, and so I beg your patience. We're almost there.). If a German you have gotten to know puts their foot up your ass and calls you on your bullshit, they are not doing it to be a prick, and it's not done with the intent to create hard feelings or demolish your self-esteem. It's harsh, man, is it harsh when you're used to American doublespeak and soft-pedaling, but they're doing it because they see something in you and are trying to stop you from making a dumbass or a jackwagon of yourself. They're doing it because they want to keep being your friend.

So.

Punk alarm duly dropped and head dislodged from ass, I started making phone calls. To the banks do get my money in order. To bean counters to make sure I would have access to it. To Amtrak to discuss their booking options. I went to disability websites and forums to discuss precautions to take in case my health or my equipment gave out on the road. The best hospital for the broke-ass should I get mown down by a taxi while trying to cross the road. Emergency numbers and insurance forms and blah blah blah. A raft of bureaucracy and safeguards and double-checking, all for a concert I might not get tickets for.

But I did, because for once, my disability worked in my favor. MSG sold out in twenty-five minutes, but that venue, bless its heart, doesn't put disabled seating up for general sale. You have to call the disabled patron assistance line, and they don't release unsold disabled seats for general sale until three days before a show. So I called the magic line, and a very amiable fellow talked me through the process. Two weeks later, the tickets were in my mailbox.

I am not ashamed to tell you that when I opened the envelope and held the tickets in my hand, I screamed like a debutante that sat on an upturned spoon. It was really happening.

And yes, my German friend gave me a giant "I told you so!" But she was right, and she'd earned it. Besides, she was happy for me, too.

So I did it. I got on a train(where I soon learned that accessible or not, I couldn't use the toilet because the train swayed too much for me to keep my balance), and I went without eating, drinking, or urinating for twenty-two hours(I do not recommend this to anyone, by the by. It hurt, and it was dangerous)to get to New York. And when I got there, I stood in Penn Station and simply stared because I was somewhere I never thought I'd be. It was simultaneously everything I thought it would be and nothing like I'd expected.

There were still obstacles, of course. There always are when you have two hands and four wheels and see the world through asses and elbows. Clutching my luggage while my trusty and ever-present companion pushed me over the cracked sidewalk with one hand and dragged the rest of the luggage behind him. Finding out that the "accessible" hotel room was, in fact, not all that accessible and wrenching my knee every time I used the toilet. Being accosted by my first sidewalk screamer within ten minutes of being in the city. Meeting my first hustler.

Freezing my ass off outside the venue for four hours before the show and called not fan enough by other fans because I didn't do it for fourteen, because hey, if you were really a fan, you'd risk pneumonia to see the show, even if it would kill you. Being shunted and shuffled to four different doors by event staff because no one could agree on where the disabled fans were supposed to enter. Being let into the building to warm up by an MSG employee, only to be booted out by event staff three minutes later. Whee! Aren't the logistics of being disabled fun?

But Mr. Kruspe, it was all worth it. I've never felt an energy like that before. Whatever snitty elitism some of the fans might have been nursing outside, inside MSG, we were all fans, all people who had waited and wished for this for a very long time. The primal roar from the crowd when the band began to break through the wall raised the hairs on my nape, and you'd better believe that I joined them with all of my energy.

From the first note, I forgot my pain. It was still there, mind, waiting for me, black-toothed and patient as the grave, but I was beyond it, in a state of suspended euphoria. No pain, just joy. I watched everything as best I could despite my near-sightedmess and my rather distant seat. I soaked it all in--the music and the unapologetic bombast, and the pageantry of the fire. It was all so starkly, darkly beautiful, and according to my companion, who has all the sentimentality of pavement, when he looked over at me during "Ich Will", I was "radiant." He, who had known me for thirteen years by then, said he'd never seen me like that before, and that he would never forget it.

It was not without price. These things never are. There was another train journey and another twenty-two hours without access to a toilet, and by the time I got home, I was so strung out from lack of food, water, and sleep(because trufax, it is hard to sleep when your bladder is trying to pop out of your skin from the pressure)that I cried like a toddler on the drive home. And then I went home, peed forever, drank, ate, and collapsed for seventeen hours.

But it was worth it. It was so worth it that on the band's next go-round, I took a cross-country roadtrip to Vegas, during which I peed much more often, thank God, but I also fought ants and roaches in a hotel room in Texas and stayed in a room so gross I slept in my clothes and threw them out when I got home. But it, too, was worth it, just as it was worth it to get in the car and drive to Florida and Atlanta on the next tour after that.

I told you ALL of these things, Mr. Kruspe, to tell you this. I saw your interview in that documentary about depression in 2010. I heard you say you felt worthless unless you were creating.

I don't know what you're worth to anyone else, but to me, you are priceless, and always will be. Without you, there would be no Rammstein, and for me, there would have been no reason to try, to spread my wings and take a run at that hill. Without you, I might have given up, might have let my mother win, and maybe now, I'd be sitting in some care home, stewing in my own yellowing stink and getting a bath once a week and a monthly outing and rotting from the inside out. Without you, I might never have taken the chance, never pushed myself.

But you were, and are, and because of that, I did. Because of that, I saw New York, and moved, however briefly, among that anonymous throng. Because of that, I met the sidewalk doomsayer and the exasperated hustler. Because of that, I tried New York Pizza(and yes, I saw a rat, but he minded his business, and I minded mine). Because of you, I heard a Cajun patois in Louisiana and watched out the window of the car as the Texas plains unwound around us. Because of you, I saw the night sky on the outskirts of Vegas and was escorted back to the Strip after the show by two Native dudes who walked far out of their way and called me little sister. These are gifts I got from you because you were, and are, and they have sustained me ever since. They sustain me now that my world has been reduced to the four walls of my house as I ride out the pandemic in a country that believes people like me are an acceptable sacrifice.

I know this won't change things for you, won't quiet that awful voice in your head. Depression doesn't work like that, and even if it did, I am just a stranger you will never meet. But maybe it will give you something to hang on to, something to think about on the bad days. Christ knows you kept my head above the water when all I wanted to do was let it go under.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Kruspe. May it bring you joy and all that you need.

Guera

[husky-twst-and-obeyme]

The Brothers(Plus un-dateables) taking care of their kids

This is somewhat of a continuation of these https://husky-obey-me.tumblr.com/post/618967886622572544/the-brothers-when-mc-has-their-babyies and  https://husky-obey-me.tumblr.com/post/619064228858527744/can-you-do-the-baby-thing-with-the-undateables (note: if you wish to see the baby as a different gender or as single, twin , triplet, etc, feel free to do so, it’s all about imagination ! As well as names too! these are names mainly just for the post , not all of them say the kids name )

Lucifer

-He’s very nervous  -His daughter is only a few months old , so she’s still very fragile  -He’s constantly holding her in fear of setting her down then his brothers do something stupid that might end of hurting her  -As fearful as he is , he enjoys his precious jewel  -He likes how she tries to play with his pens (takes them away if she tries to eat them)  -If she starts crying, he’ll do what he can but if all else fails, he seeks you  -and she somehow stops crying  -so either she wanted you or he just sucks at calming her down  -He’ll most likely wear a baby holder in case he gets busy but only when you’re not able to watch her  -In free time, he’ll teach her basics and as well as things babies learn to  -Gets very excited when her first word was “dada”

Mammon

-Like before, there are 3 Mammons now -The twins were roughly 2 months but they were very active for newborns -Mammon can’t take his eyes off them without worrying  -”Oi ! Manny! quit pulling at your brother’s hair!”  -”Ollie no! don’t rip that!” -He was in utter defeat, now he knew how his brother’s feel around him expect his kids were worst  -For the most part, the twins would be with you and for some reason they’re well behaved around you  -”oh imma kick their butts-” -”they’re just like you~” -The Twins first words were Mama and Mammon felt defeated 

Levi

-He was scared and nervous for his newborn daughter -He loved his daughter but he had no clue what to do  -you’d always have your daughter but have him be there too so he can learn  - For now, He’s used to changing diapers and feeding her  -Your daughter is interested in the games Levi plays but he makes sure that they’re friendly enough for her  -He’d sometimes give her a non working controller so she feels like she’s participating -His favorite thing to do is have her on his chest while he plays but stops it if she whimpers or such  -Her first words were “ruri chan” -you weren’t happy but he was sobbing tears of joy  -”BABY OTAKU “

  Satan

-He wasn’t afraid at all for his daughter  -during pregnancy, Satan read books about children (mainly human just in case) -He was confident but there will be times he needs your help since you are the mother  -He loves to read to her , it helps her sleep when he reads to her  -Your daughter also loves to  play with Satan’s tail when he’s in demon form  -He mainly doesn’t when your not around but you were lucky to snag a pick of him doing that with her (now you’re homescreen) -He in secret would try to teach her how to say Dada when the time comes  -And he succeed when she said “dada” when wanting him  -but shortly after she said “mama” but he was happy she wanted him first 

Asmo

-Not good at parenting but he tries  -He’s more of a “I must make my child fabulous “ parent while you mainly take care of her  -He loves to get outfits for his daughter like dresses, cute little onsies, etc  -He makes sure to by the best products (for babies) to make sure she stays super soft  -He swoons at her touch , cradling her and humming a melody  -Takes hundreds of selfies #beautifulprincessanddaddy -loves to try to get matching outfits for you guys for a matching family photo -sadly her first words were “mama” -he felt defeated but he still loves her more 

Beel

-Best dad ever to his twin sons  -As much as he’s gluttonous, He makes sure to properly take care of the twins  -He’s good at multi-tasking, so it was a breeze to eat and take care of them -He nicknames his sons “mustard and ketchup”  (mainly because of the color choice you gave them at birth) because of their personality  -Mustard is more hyper and active while ketchup is a little lazy (omg MC did birth another beel and belphie )  -Belphie is often there with him because he loves the twins , Ketchup loves uncle belphie and sleeps on him  -The twins favorite sleeping spot is on Beel’s chest , for being warm and soft , it felt nice when he purred for them  -Both of their first words were “dada”  -He was happy but felt a little bad for you 

Belphie

-He’s lazy but he tried and he was a good parent  -He had triplets , no one else had to right to complain about there children unless they have more then him  - He gets them little cow onsies , they had collars stitch to them and he made sure each had a different color  - “is this A Daddy cow and his herd?~ “ you’d tease  -”moooooo” he’d say and then the triplets would do the same and they’d continue to moo for a few minutes   “please don’t let this be a thing-” you feared while he chuckled -When you both got into teaching them mama or dada , one girl said “mama” , the other girl said “dada” but the youngest boy wouldn’t talk for a while  -WHen he tried to utter his words , you both got excited as he said “M-M...” -you smirked “He’s gonna say mam-” “Mooo” 

Diavolo

-He’s an ok dad, but sometimes makes dumb decisions - He wears a baby holder 24/7 , he’s proud to show off his son  -He’d spoil him so much , with toys, cloths , you name it  -On certain days , He’d take a day off just to spend time with you and your son , maybe have a picnic or go out somewhere fun , sometimes to the human world for places like chuck e cheese for your sons (and Diavolo)  -He would actually try the baby food first , if he didn’t like it , he wouldn’t feed it to his son but  you put a stop to that quickly , espeically since your son could have different taste then him  -He plans to have make Jr a special crown made from Silver and moonstone ,to match him  -When he gets to saying Mama or dada  -He says “mama”  -HE wasn’t mad but a little jealous 

Barbatos 

-Best father there is to his twin daughters -He careful watches their behavior and reaction to all sorts of things, like what they likes/ dislike, how they react to scary or nice situations  -His daughters are identical and look a little like him ,he can tell the difference easily but for others, Melody wears pale Yellow and Hera wears Lime  -During tea time with Diavolo , The girls have their own little chairs and and gives them their favorite cake  -Whenever he gets a day off, he just sits with you and your daughters all snugged in his arms , he just wants to enjoy your guys company for as long as he can  -Melody’s first word was Dada while Hera’s was “mama”  -so it was tie but Barbatos is still the better parent 

Solomon

-Not the worst but the not the best dad -His  daughter was fragile psychically , so he was a little overprotective  -He’d only let someone like you or Asmo go near here, anyone , you better stay 10 feet away or else  -He would try to teach her magic early on, with your permission , mostly basic magic like summoning or teleporting (which might be bad to teach-)  -He enjoys to have fun little trips to the park with you two (and prank people with magic )  -You and Solomon have a dare to see if she’ll say Mama or dada , loser has to wear whatever the winner picks  -He tried to teach her to say dada a lot of times , to better his chances  -but sadly they were for nothing and she ended up saying “mama”

Simeon(Plus Luke as a son)

-A little experienced before hand (with Luke) so he doesn’t have much of a problem -your daughter is very shy and quiet baby , so she doesn’t cry too often  -Luke loves to play with her and brags to other how cute his little sister is ) -Simeon sometimes wears a baby holder so that he can have her close  -He also likes to sing to her , whether to see or calm her down, he just loves to see her relax as he sings her a gentle melody  -Luke tries to make sweets for his sister and sadly she couldn’t eat most of them . he got sad but then looked up recipes safe for babies to eat  -Simeon would always offer to do everything for you , because you already suffered through the 9 months and all he could do was watch and calm you , so he feels he needs to  -When it came to her first words , it was a surprise  -”come on sweetie, say dada!” simeon tried  -”say mama!” you cheerfully said  -”....uke” -”huh?” -”uke! uke!” -She said Luke thecially and he couldn’t help but sob  (Hope you enjoyed!)

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 134

134

Keith took his time, Lance’s legs wrapped around his boyfriend as they took things slowly. Kisses eased away anxieties. Touches rewritten on his skin. It was slow, sometimes painfully slow, yet caged by Keith, Lance felt warm and safe. Soft words of love fell between pants and moans, falling to babble as they came. He loved hard, fast, and dirty sex with Keith, but his soul had needed this. All this love poured out between them with no need to rush. A few touches were bad, he’d panicked, but Keith would kiss the spots that’d make his heart stop with fear. Accepting that there broken bits that Lance really didn’t need to be afraid of because Keith didn’t see them as broke, just slightly dented around the edges.

They’d cuddled as they napped, waking once or twice, sleepily wanting more of each other. Being the drama queen he was, Lance cried from how happy and loved Keith made him feel. Keith getting teary too. It’d been nice until dawn, when his stomach rebelled.

*

Keith had let him know Shiro was coming over, Lance planning to nap with Kosmo. What he didn’t expect was to overhear the conversation he’d been dreading quite so soon. From years of experience he knew legal proceedings could take months, and he’d selfishly kind of hoped it would. He felt good... ish. He could still feel Keith on his skin. Smell his boyfriend in the air and hear his voice in his ear as they’d reconnected physically. He didn’t want to interrupt but things sounded as if they were getting heated. Shiro demanding to know when he was going to talk to Lance about Rome, Keith saying he didn’t want to go.

Wrapping himself up in his favourite blanket of Keith’s, a soft red on that screamed his boyfriend’s name yet had been brought for him when he’d been preheat, Lance took a few breaths before letting himself and Kosmo out of Keith’s bedroom. Things weren’t good. Shiro and Keith stood at opposite ends of the living area. Shiro stuttered to a stop when he saw Lance, mid-explanation that Curtis was going to Rome, as was Krolia. Seeing him, Keith moved over to him

“Babe? Are you okay? I thought you were resting”

He’d gone all out in Keith’s collar bone. Small hickeys and nip marks, with two very clear fang marks just above his boyfriend’s collar bone on the right. Biting more possessive than feeding. His ego wanted to show off that such an amazing man loved them. He was tired. He still battled with exhaustion, but seeing they had their own schedule around his injections, he’d been able to sleep as much as body seemed to need as a minimum to keep him up right

“I was, but I think we need to have a talk”

“It’s okay, Shiro...”

“I know you’re going to Rome”

Keith’s eyes widened as he shook his head, clearly sprung

“That’s...”

“I’ve been preparing myself for this. I think we should talk”

Keith looked so sad. Lance wished he could kiss away his sadness like his boyfriend had done last night

“I... but... you... need your rest. You’ve barely slept. All this vomiting isn’t good for you or the twins”

“I’m okay, I think we should talk. I don’t want you and Shiro fighting”

“We’re... it’s...”

Lance opened up his self made cape, wrapping it around Keith. He wasn’t okay but Keith needed to decide what he was going to do

“Come here, we’ll sit on the sofa and talk this out”

“I don’t want to go”

“I know, but we need to listen”

Keith wore a scowl on his face, Lance sitting between his legs with the blanket wrapped around the both of them. Beneath Keith was rubbing his stomach, the feeling calming. He secretly thought Keith was a big puppy, but belly rubs would make him more of a puppy than his boyfriend. Sitting on the coffee table, Shiro looked stressed. Lance wished he’d pushed for Shiro and Curtis to stay the night. Maybe then he’d have relaxed... or got laid. With neither brother seeming in a rush to talk now that he was in the middle of the two them, Lance supposed he was going to have to be the adult.

“Basically, you guys are headed back to Rome and you want Keith to come with you, but Keith wants to stay here. Is that right?”

Keith huffed

“I don’t see why I have to go when I’ve already submitted my report”

Shiro groaning at his brother

“You know that’s not always enough. They want a statement of that day”

“Lotor’s supposed to be covering it up!”

“We have conflicting reports. Lance needs to come in for recorded questioning. I know he gave a statement but we need to start again from the start. Kolivan will be questioning him”

“He’s not ready!”

“If I could avoid it, I would. Curtis is still shaken too. It’s not like I don’t understand”

“Curtis isn’t pregnant!”

“Enough!”

These two were likely to give him a headache. Both brothers shut up

“Okay. Keith, I know about Rome. I already worked out this would happen. Coran’s offered me protective custody. I can’t go to Rome. I’m sorry, but I’m not ready for that. A pregnant vampire in the Vatican sound really kind of insulting to the faith there. Shiro, I’ll talk to Kolivan. I know what giving evidence is like... Babe, I know you want the very best for me, but... I think you need to go to Rome”

The effect was immediately. Keith climbing out from behind him over the back of the sofa

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Babe...”

“No. I’ve been trying to figure out how to stay and you want me to go?!”

Lance flinched. Cranky Keith was scary. Keith made it sound like he was trying to throw aside his feelings, like last night seemed to mean nothing to Lance. His heart hurt.

Lance’s voice wobbled. It was easier to stare at the blanket fisted up in his hands than look at Shiro or Keith

“It’s not that... I... I don’t trust a lot of people. With this... it’s more than me. I killed Sendak and I lost control. But what happens now? Do Honerva and Zarkon come after us? What happens with Lotor? And with his Generals? What happens with Curtis and his curse? Will Krolia be disciplined for her actions? I know James and them saw the scene. I overheard them talking about how I’d killed. They sounded... delighted. Lotor... he did try to protect me. Allura would have told us if he was like Sendak inside, but he... he’s never had friends. Just people he was told he was superior to his whole life... of course... of course I want you here... but it’s not safe... I think... I think I should let Coran hide me. While you’re gone... it... it can’t take more than few weeks to straighten everything up, right? And you... you’ll be home for Christmas? I... don’t... I don’t want this coming back. I don’t want to raise our twins with the constant need to look over our shoulders... I want this to be done. I want to know what... I want to know what’s happening”

“And I can stay here. Shiro can keep me informed”

Shiro was great at long unexplained absences. No offence to Shiro, but he could keep a secret if he had to or he thought it best to protect Keith

“Like how he kept you informed when he was gone for that month? You worried so much for him. You need answers. You need closure”

“No. What I need is to be with you”

Keith was making this so hard. Lance wanted to be the strong cool adult... and was failing miserably

“Babe, please... please. I love you. But this is so big and scary that I’m afraid simply being in Platt will result in something happening. I’m not saying this because I don’t think you can protect me or because I love you any less. If the rumour gets out that I’m gone, then things in the city might start quieting down. Sendak’s goons won’t be hunting for me here if they know I’m gone. So it doesn’t have to be for long. It doesn’t even have to be for the full time of all this stuff happening in Rome. If you go, then you can find out what’s happening. You can explain it to me and I can understand. I think... you should talk with Krolia and Coran”

“So just like that you’re going?”

Lance snapped. He felt shitty enough trying to appeal to Keith’s rational side. Standing up, he threw the blanket at his boyfriend

“It’s not “Just like that!” None of this is “Just like that!” You keep acting like you think I want you gone! How could I ever want you gone?! I want him gone! I want Sendak out our fucking lives! I want to go home! I want my cow and my cat! I want my life back! I thought this was going to happen and I tried to tell myself we’d have more time! This isn’t fucking easy! I woke up feeling so good about last night, and now I feel like it meant nothing because you won’t listen! I know you don’t want to go. I know it, but I can’t! I’m selfish and cowardly. I’m klutzy and stupid and I couldn’t come up with a good idea to save us all that didn’t make me turn into a monster! My only thoughts were keeping Curtis safe and getting back to you! I want it over, Keith. I want to... I want to exist knowing there’s no one coming to kill me or our babies... I don’t want you to go... but I can’t go with you...”

Shiro gathered him up against him. Lance sinking into the hunter’s hold as he cried. He was pissed at Keith, but madder at himself for being too scared to go to Rome and support their friends. Coming around the sofa, Keith placed his hand on Lance’s shoulder, Lance pushing him away, Keith looking hurt as Lance sobbed out

“Don’t! Don’t touch me if you think it’s that fucking easy to leave you alone”

“I don’t want to leave you...”

“I don’t want to live without answers about what comes next... I don’t want to keep falling harder in love with our twins if they take them from in the end”

He didn’t care if he wasn’t making sense.

“Lance, nothing’s been decided. I can tell you right now none of us will let anything happen to you or to the twins. There would have been just as many consequences to us killing Sendak as you. Matt and Rieva are coming with us, but they’re going as character witnesses. This incident left us all shaken. And we’re not rushing to decisions. You’re right. We do need to talk to Coran and with Kolivan. This win came at a price and all we can do is weather things out. I know you’re frustrated and scared. You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling. I’m sorry you heard us fighting”

“I’m sorry... I just... hate fighting. I don’t want to lose anyone else”

Keith cuddled into him, his boyfriend resting his face against Lance’s hair

“I’m sorry. After last night I thought maybe it was saying your goodbyes”

“I don’t want to say goodbye...”

“And I don’t want to leave you. I’ve only just got you back”

“I know... I wanted more time too...”

Lance went wobbly at the knees. Both brothers catching him. Shiro helping Keith lift him up, instead of being normal people and letting him sit back down on the sofa. The idiots fussing

“Has he had much blood this morning?”

“A bit. And some last night”

“Do you want to bring him back to VOLTRON? He can have his shot and you guys can come back here and rest”

“Yeah. I’m still worried he’s throwing up too much”

“He is awake you know”

Lance grumped at the pair of them. Idiots. Great big idiots. He was simply tired and needed to go back to bed where it smelt of Keith. Keith was good about the injections. Normally he’d “distract” him with kisses before stabbing him. Coran preferred to do it himself so he could do that concerned uncle thing. He was kind of tired of it. He wondered if he could get Coran to give him an ultrasound so Keith would have fresh memories of seeing their twins before he left

“I never said you weren’t, babe. Do you want to go now? Or do you want to go back to bed?”

“Now. Then it’s out the way and we can relax for the rest of the day”

“Mmm. That sounds good. I think there’s a special on Big Foot tonight. Maybe we could order some Italian and have a date night?”

“I’d really like that”

He was becoming a lazy vampire. Sleeping, eating, cuddles... He felt like he was getting his way too much, but Keith had pointed out that he did try to be considerate of Keith when it came to what they watched. Horror movies were no go for now, but he’d also steered clear of romcoms. Every night kind of felt like date night when they were alone together. He wanted to make memories of Keith being okay and happy... now he’d have to try and make as many as he could before Keith left.

[hanawrites404]

Wynne's Diary - Transformation with Dennis (@ptcovprimaryblog ) and Katrice (@feralforestbastard )

"Alright......it's almost done" I breathed, carefully pouring the breast milk of a dead woman into the boiling liquid mixture.

The potion was brewing alright for now but I was still nervous that I might make a mistake because you see, this was my first time making potions. Asra had given me detailed instructions for doing it and according to his report, I was going at the right direction.

So I moved on to adding the last ingredient, that was the rotten egg whites. After they were added, the potion glowed pink and a puff of pink smoke came from the beaker, smelling like rose perfume. But this all was just a disguise. What I had created right now, was actually poison.

It was for the rats at the barn since they were literally everywhere and were disturbing the cattle. So before Asra could go and dissappear like always, he gave me the recipe to create rat poison. And so I was preparing it, making sure to put the right ingredients in right quantities.

The poison was done and now I had to put it in something eatable so I chose a block of white cheese. I poured the liquid on it and the cheese turned pink and it emitted a nice fregnance in order to lure the prey towards it.

"Perfect. This should do the trick" I commented.

But then I smelled something burning in the air.

"Fuck!! My milk!!" I rushed to the kitchen to put the fire off. I took a cloth to hold the handles of the utensil and placed it on the table.

"Phew. Not much has been burnt" I sighed from relief when I checked inside. There was enough milk for preparing a nice cup of tea for me, Dennis and Katrice.

And speaking of both of them, where were they? I haven't seen both of them since the morning.

Oh god..... hopefully they both don't find the cheese and eat them!! That would be horrible!!

But then I heard a smash of the glass and some other wierd noises outside the kitchen.

And the scariest part was.......it was coming from the room where I was preparing the poison at.

I ran towards the room as quick as I could and I was shocked to see.......a blue cow and an albino satyr??? What in the actual fu--

"Wynne!!" The cow called my name.

"W-Wynne....." The Satyr too spoke.

Wait hold on a second. How in the world a talking blue cow and a talking albino Satyr appear in my room?? And how do they know my name??? God just what the fuck happened when I was checking on the milk??

I was speechless. The scene in front of my eyes was so bizarre that it had snatched away my voice. And the fact that both of them were looking awfully familiar to me also scared me.

There were many questions racing in my mind, but one answer shattered all of them when I saw an eaten block of pink cheese on the ground. Its plate was also broken and its shards were scattered on the floor.

Oh.....

Ohhh........

OHHHH...........

"Dennis, you fucker!!" I cracked my knuckles.

"H-Hey!! I'm sorry!! I was too hungry!! And the cheese was looking too tempting!!" Dennis, who had apparently turned into a cow, defended herself.

"Then how dare you drag Katrice into it too" I glared bitterly at her.

"S-S-Sorry Wynne. Even I was starving. That's why I ate the cheese. Please forgive me.......

Dennis did not do anything. It was my fault" Katrice, being timid as she was, apologized. Her voice sounded quite...... demonic, but I could hear the guilt in her tone.

I glanced at both of them, thinking of what to do with them. I then sighed and shook my head. This was literally the worst situation possible and the funniest part was that I was actually expecting it to happen.

Since Dennis was naive and stupid like a child and Katrice cannot help but follow whatever she does..............

"Katrice. You stay here. I'll see what I can do for you. Dennis, you have to stay outside" I ordered each of them.

"A-Alright.....Please come back soon" Katrice balled herself and sat on the floor and against the wall. I was feeling pity on her now. Only if she was a bit smarter...............

And talking about Dennis......there was no scope for her being smarter even for a fraction of second.............

I took out a leather leash from the cupboard and clipped it around Dennis' neck. I then pulled her up and went outside and she surprisingly followed me on all-fours as I was thinking that she would have trouble walking like that. Guess she was born to be a cow, it seems.

I took her out in the grass and tied the leash around a wooden stump tightly.

"Wynne, I love you but, if you are trying to bondage me, then please try to be a bit sexy you know. I really want to enjoy your dominance" she smirked at me.

I cringed in reply. Did she really had the guts to joke even after she had turned into an animal? A FUCKING DOMESTIC PASSIVE ANIMAL??

"Okay fine. I was just messing with you. Now don't chop me off and have me as dinner" Dennis replied.

"Well I was actually planning to, guess you caught me there" I glared at her.

"Oooooh naughty aren't you eh? Let me turn back and then I'll punish you good" she winked at me.

"Shut up before I take my knife out to dissect you" I threatened her.

Dennis tried to chuckle but it came out to be quite low and deep because of her current condition as she shook her head.

"You are getting very kinky, Wynne. Is it because me turning into a cow has made you crave for my milk perhaps??" She teased me again and she managed to slap my butt with her tail.

"Shut the fuck up!! It's nothing of that sort. And why would I even do that?? That's fucking disgusting!!" I cringed again, my cravings for drinking bleach coming in my mind.

Dennis laughed again, but it sounded kind of disturbing since it she was now having the voice of a cow, but I ignored that.

"I was actually expecting that answer from you, Babe. I know that you are not a sicko" she winked at me again.

"I-It's good that you know. Otherwise I was really going to sell you in the markets. I can get a good price for a blue talking cow like you" I huffed and crossed my arms.

"I know, Honey, I am the best after all" Dennis winked again.

I rolled my eyes and smiled a bit. I mean, she wasn't really wrong.

Dennis giggled at my reaction nosed in my chest, rubbing her head against it.

I couldn't help but smile a bit and caress her ears and head. For a cow, her fur was pretty soft and clean. She looked like a cow who has been groomed well and taken care of very efficiently.

"There there Dennis. You are still a cow. Come back to me once you turn into a human tonight" I ran my thumb on her forehead.

"Of course. You owe me a proper bondage tonight" she replied as she licked my chest with her massive tongue, making my breasts jiggle up.

"Hey!" I chuckled and let go of her, my cheeks heating up. Dennis smirked at me back, trying to moo like a cow which made me giggle more.

"I'll see you later Denny. Don't cause any more trouble" I instructed her and moved back to my house.

"Okay Winnie!!......" She replied back. But then I heard her muttering more behind my back.

"Mmmm the grass looks good. Can I eat some??.........hmmm.....Mmm! This tastes good!! Let me eat more!! Mmmm this is some gourmet shit!!"

I giggled at her musings and went in for Katrice. As soon as I entered my room, I saw the familiar Satyr who had not moved from her place even for an inch.

However, she was...... shaking, and was whispering things to herself.

I got closer to her and sat near her, placing my hand on her shoulder.

Katrice jerked from the external contact and looked at me. Her pink eyes were wet from tears and her lips were trembling. It seemed like she was in some deep distress which got me extremely worried.

"Kat....are you alright? Tell me what's bothering you" I scooted closer to the poor girl.

"Wynne....I....I am scared" she blurted out.

"Scared? What of??" I asked her, being confused.

"This....." She looked at her hands. No......they were claws. Sharp and deathly claws which looked enough to slit anyone with one slash only.

"I am afraid of what I have become. I cannot stand this. Am I......am I really a monster?? Am I going to hurt everyone if I get angry??" She kept asking questions to herself as more tears started to fall from her face.

I shook my head and cupped her face, turning it to look at me. I first wiped her tears off and then ran my hand through her beautiful white long hair.

"Katrice, you are not a monster. You are kind, caring and sweet to everyone. You are like a shy baby and we all love you for that. Never in my life I have met such a wonderful person like you and I'm doubting that I ever will" I told her.

"R-Really??" She brightened up a bit, glancing up at me with some hope in her eyes.

I smiled and nodded, confirming whatever I had just said.

But Katrice frowned again and looked down.

"What about my appearance?? I look ugly I bet" she sniffed sadly.

"Honestly, you look pretty tempting for a demon. But that's not a bad thing at all. Deception from looks is often very difficult to do but it looks like it would be a piece of cake for you" I winked at her.

Katrice finally giggled and smiled brightly as she hugged me close. It was kind of a surprise that even after turning into a demon, her welcoming scent was still there as I slowly succumbed into her embrace and hugged her back.

"Thank you Wynne.....I really needed that" she told me.

"No problem, Sweet" I smiled and rested my head on her chest, pulling her closer.

Later when Asra returned, he had turned Dennis and Katrice back to normal. And I am glad he did. It's not that I didn't like them turning into an animal and a demon though. Truthfully speaking, it was a pleasant experience for me. Maybe I can try turning them into butterflies next?? I gotta look for a potion for that though.

Funny.....Who had expected that a rat poison could have made my day really eventful and interesting?? Not to mention deepen my interest in potions.............

The end..........

[flippyspoon]

Note: I wrote a lil Halloween werewolf Billy whaaaaat. I got inspired by that werewolf moodboard that I can’t find now because I’m a dumbass and didn’t reblog it.

Wolfie

“There’s a werewolf in the woods,” Dustin said, his eyes bright as he shoved through a crowd of children, Max and the others following him as they made their way to another block of houses. “Two dead pigs last night Officer Callahan said!”

“What is a...werewolf?” Eleven said. She was wearing her white sheet with the holes in it. Everyone had suggested something a little fancier. But she had been adamant: white sheet. With holes. Boo!

Mike smiled at her and said, “Remember when we watched Teen Wolf?”

“Oooh!”

“There’s no werewolf,” Steve said, sounding a little tense as he brought up the rear. He was sucking on a Blow-Pop but his brows were furrowed as he got out in front of the kids. “You’re just saying that because it’s Halloween. There’s no such thing as werewolves. It’s probably a...bear. Or something. Or a regular wolf.”

“They say it’s bigger than a regular wolf!” Dustin said. “And it attacked a cow last month too! Then nothing. For exactly a lunar cycle!”

“Dustin!” Steve barked.

“What?” Dustin said, looking slightly hurt. 

“Nothing,” Steve said, sighing. “Sorry. Just uh…” He checked his watch and then squinted at the once orange glow of the horizon now dark. “I gotta go.”

“Aw,” Will said. “Come trick or treating with us.”

“You’re the only one who likes coconut,” Lucas said. “We’ll just throw out the Mounds.”

“Save em’ for me,” Steve said, shrugging. “I got plans.” He met Max’s eyes. She looked worried and he gave her a little nod and tried to project confidence. He was looking at her when he said, “We’ll be fine.”

She nodded back. She always got worried on nights like this too.

Dustin was still calling after him even as Steve took off for the BMW which he’d left parked a few blocks away. Time had gotten away from him. Ideally, there was no reason for him to be in a rush. 

But like, Max, sometimes he got worried.

For the millionth time, Steve reminded himself: No reported human deaths.

No one had even been bitten.

Steve drove all the way out to Hopper’s cabin, now abandoned. That was the spot. 

They’d boarded the place up and chained up the front door with a heavy padlock just that morning after Billy had escaped the night before. Steve automatically felt his ears perking up, listening for the sound of howling or scratching at the walls as he got out of the car.

Billy would have locked himself in. 

But there was nothing.

Maybe he’s asleep, Steve thought, and ran up to the front door only to stop short when he saw the chain in pieces on the front steps.

“Goddammit,” Steve said, sighing.

The wolf was pretty fucking strong.

In truth, he was not very worried for Billy’s safety, or even anyone else’s. Billy had only ever been interested in killing animals when he transformed, but killing animals could draw attention.  That was a potential problem.

But worse than that, at least to Steve’s mind, when Billy woke up naked and alone in the woods after a wolf night, he woke up utterly terrified. He wasn’t used to it yet and he sometimes panicked, thinking the Mind Flayer had been controlling his body again.

The wolf had saved Billy from death by the Mind Flayer at the end. He knew that. But it still scared him.

“One of the people I… One of the people I fed to him...must have been a werewolf,” Billy had explained to him one night in bed as Steve had traced the scars on his chest. “The shadow, the Flayer, whatever you call it… It absorbed the wolf just like everybody else. It was nothing to him. But the wolf got in my blood when it killed me. It made me stronger and ended up saving my life. But now I’m...this.”

“If it saved you, I’m glad then,” Steve had whispered, and kissed him long and deep.

Now Steve jogged back to his car and popped his trunk. He took out the blanket and the pair of sweatpants he now kept there and shut the trunk before heading out into the woods. 

There was only one way to do this. He’d done it before. He hoped it would work again.

Last time, Steve had whistled and that had helped. 

He had whistled “Yellow Submarine” for no particular reason, so now he tried that again and once he was well into the woods, he stopped and took off the scarf he had been wearing because it was nippy out and hung it on a tree branch. 

He kept whistling and walking and a few minutes later, he took off his jacket and dropped it on the ground. 

His sweater came next minutes later when he’d made it a little further in the direction of his house. He stopped for a minute, holding onto the sweatpants and the blanket, whistling his third rendition of “Yellow Submarine.” He listened for anything that sounded like a wolf.

Aaaaooooooouuuuu.

The howl made him smile. “That’s it, baby,” Steve whispered. “Come find me.”

Steve walked on and end up kicking off both his shoes and leaving his t-shirt on a log.

He was down to his socks and jeans now.

He was already cold and now he wrapped the blanket around him. He didn’t particularly want to get down to his underwear if he didn’t have to, and so he stopped now, and sat down at the base of a tree and kept whistling.

He suspected he was about a half a mile from his house maybe. He didn’t like being out in the woods alone, but he wasn’t afraid. 

He had a werewolf on his side after all.

When he heard a rustling not far off, he stopped whistling. “Billy?” He said softly. He wrapped the blanket around him a little tighter. He heard a snuffling sound and a plaintive whine that sounded like a hurt puppy and then a truly massive gray wolf appeared from between two pines. 

The wolf that was also Billy Hargrove had some blood along his snout. He had eaten already.

“Billy, come here, sweetheart,” Steve said. He sat forward, moving slowly, and opened the blanket. 

Billy ducked his head and came padding through the woods to Steve. He had doubtless caught the scent somewhere. Steve didn’t relish the thought of tracking down all his stuff again, but it was definitely worth it now as Billy nuzzled him and licked at his face and Steve buried his nose in Billy’s thick, soft fur and scratched him between his ears because Steve knew he liked that best. 

“That’s good, baby,” Steve whispered. “It’s okay. Did you eat? Did you eat a nice pig or something? Maybe a whole deer?”

Billy licked at his neck and he chuckled. Billy curled up half on top of him and they sat like that for a while and Steve wrapped the blanket around both of them. 

He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but the woods were as good as anywhere else. He wasn’t even cold with the big, furry wolf snuggled up to him.

***

Steve woke up spooning Billy and he hummed happily even though his shoulders were freezing where they peeked out from under the blanket. Billy was very human now and also very naked and his skin was hot and his muscles were firm where Steve hugged him around his chest. 

He felt Billy stir and whispered, “‘Morning, sweetheart.”

“Hmmm…” Billy turned over under the blanket and winced, probably because pine needles were poking him in sensitive places. He blinked at Steve blearily. “Chain didn’t hold.”

“Nope,” Steve said, chuckling. He licked his thumb and reached up to wipe a streak of blood from Billy’s chin. “We can try something else next time. But I’m not worried.”

“I didn’t hurt anyone,” Billy said softly. “I mean I ate a boar. But that’s it.”

“I know,” Steve said. “You’re so tame around me anyway when you’re the wolf. I should just hang out with you on wolfie nights. Bring you some meat. Maybe then you won’t run off.”

“Might work,” Billy said, shrugging. 

“My house isn’t far,” Steve said, his voice throaty because he’d slept outside in the cold. “And I brought you pants. We’ll go to my place and I’ll make you pancakes and sausage and bacon. I know how hungry you get the morning after. And I taped Miami Vice.” He emphasized his speech with a kiss to the tip of Billy’s nose.

Billy pursed his lips, seeming shy, and said, “Thanks for finding me. Fuckin’ sucks waking up out here without you.”

“Always,” Steve said, and leaned in to kiss him long and deep, hugging him close under the blanket.

[seblos]

right now, there’s you and me

words: 1,018

series: snippets

read on ao3

It’s late at night sometime in early June, the actual time currently unknown, and Seb has yet to fall asleep.

Usually, he’s pretty good at going to bed early. His sleep schedule follows 9pm when he finishes his homework to 5am when he wakes up to feed the cows. School, followed by rehearsal every other day, and then a night of chores and homework tires him out enough to follow a schedule that’s very different from the rest of his classmates.

The house creaks as it settles. While that’s usually something that lulls him to sleep most nights, they seem louder and more frequent within the past 15 minutes, sounding more like something is creeping around downstairs.

(The likelihood of that is very small, considering how in the middle-of-nowhere their farm is compared to the rest of Salt Lake, but it still makes Seb’s skin crawl at the thought. He used to be very afraid of the dark when he was younger, and maybe that fear hasn’t totally gone away yet.)

That, mixed with the rumble of his stomach after accidentally skipped dinner trying to finish his half of the project for Chemistry before the weekend, has kept Seb awake. 

Eventually, it’s too much to bear. Accepting that he isn’t going to fall asleep any time soon, he does his best to quietly slip downstairs for a midnight snack. 

Seb reaches the bottom of the staircase, using his phone as a flashlight, as to not disturb any other members of his family. That almost backfires, though, when the dim light reflects off of the glasses of a person standing in front of him.

Thankfully, his shock is conveyed through a silent gasp and tripping backwards onto the stairs. It hurts his back when he lands on the hardwood, but at least he didn’t scream and wake up his entire house. It also gives the figure standing in his living room the chance to hold their hand out to Seb as an offer to help him back up.

Not just any figure. Carlos. Realizing it’s just his boyfriend that broke into his house in the middle of the night, he allows for himself to be pulled up.

Seb’s heart is still slightly racing, but he manages to get some words out in a quiet hiss.

“What the heck are you doing here?”

Carlos grins, holding up the basket in his hand that Seb hadn’t previously noticed. “I wanted to have a picnic!” he says, matching his whisper as if nothing was abnormal about the situation.

Seb glances at his phone. “At 12:46 in the morning?”

“Okay, well, do you remember that scene in High School Musical 3 where Troy brings Gabriella pizza and chocolate covered strawberries,” Carlos starts, voice giddy.

“Obviously,” he rolls his eyes. “Still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”

His boyfriend grins even wider. “Well, I always wanted to recreate it. I even made the chocolate covered strawberries! Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the pizza, because nothing is open right now, but-”

“Wait, how long have you been planning this?” Seb cuts him off.

Carlos glances at the ceiling. “Since, like, two hours ago,” he says after a moment.

“And you didn’t think to text me?”

“Well, that would have ruined the surprise,” he responds like its obvious. 

While it’s incredibly sweet, and his heart is melting at the idea of Carlos doing all of this for him, Seb can still barely wrap his head around what is happening. He still has so many questions. 

He ends up grabbing Carlos’s free hand and bringing him back upstairs to his room with him. When they’re safely inside, Seb locks his door and turns on the light. Heathen turns to face his boyfriend again, who is busy laying out the blanket he brought on the floor for their makeshift midnight picnic

“Okay,” Seb says, settling down next to Carlos. “So explain to me again what’s going on.”

“Well, I was rewatching High School Musical 3,” he starts, opening his picnic basket and taking out a Tupperware container as well as a few napkins. (Seb had made them watch it together once he found out Carlos had never seen it, and it had since become his favorite.) “And there's that picnic scene that’s kinda like Troy’s last big romantic gesture, and I wanted to do something for you. So I wanted to recreate it for you.”

Seb reaches for one of the strawberries. “How did you even get here?”

“Kourtney drove me,” Carlos grins, and Seb can’t help but laugh a bit. Ever since they got together at the end of HSM, the cast has been nothing but supportive. Apparently, when Kourtney offered to drive them anywhere until one of them gets their license, Carlos took it to heart.

“Well, I love your surprise,” Seb tells him. “I guess I’m just curious, like, why now?”

He notices Carlos’s smile drop for a moment. “I dunno,” his boyfriend says, shrugging as he pulls up one leg to his chest. “Summers get complicated. We might have opposite work schedules. I just want to hang out with you as much as possible.”

It hits Seb harder than he’s expecting it to. He hasn’t really thought about the summer at all, but he supposes there are only two weeks or so before the year is over. Even with his dream that has been Sophomore year ending, though, losing Carlos with it never for a second crossed his mind, nor will it.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” he says, sliding closer to Carlos and resting his hand on his boyfriend’s knee. “Just because we might be busy doesn’t mean it’s all going to stop.”

Carlos laughs slightly. “But what if it does just… stop?”

“Then we’ll start it up again, okay? We still have two years left at East High, so you’re not getting rid of me any time soon,” he says, leaning in to kiss Carlos.

“Though I have to say,” Seb adds when he pulls away. “I do like the midnight picnic.”

Carlos grins, handing him another strawberry. “I thought you might.”

[revengeisalwaysanoption]

FIC: MIO FIGLIO

So, this is something I wrote back in February from Anna’s (Nico’s mom) point of view. I’m very proud of how it turned out, so I hope you’ll enjoy it too :D... Despite the title, IT'S IN ENGLISH

Somewhere in Italy Early morning of a day in 1999

He’s so tiny. So small. So soft and breakable. Perhaps not the most beautiful, but surely the most precious creature on Earth. Her baby.

She can’t bear not to check on her son every five minutes, afraid he might have stopped breathing. It’s awfully stupid, and illogical, she knows that. The midwife she hired came with great recommendations, so there’s no reason not to trust her with both their lives, but... He took his sweet time coming into this world - a little later than scheduled, but who can blame him - and now it’s hard to tear her gaze from him. She keeps covering him in kisses, whispering how much he loves him already.

Ni. Ninì. Nico. Nicolì. Niccolò. Like the singer that brought her and Gioele together, on that sunny 1st of May in Piazza San Giovanni. It was the only name they agreed on, since her husband choices felt too extravagant - “They are going to be the ones having to live with a name like Gertrude, Genoveffa, Gervasio or Giosuè… what’s with you and names starting with a ‘G’, anyway?" - and all her favourites reminded him of people he couldn’t stand.

“We can name her Gertrude, okay?” She tilted her head back then, flashed him her cheekiest smile and pointed at the plush giraffe Gabriella - her sweet sixteen-year old sister-in-law, who had sworn she would make a great pianist out of her first nephew - had brought as a present.

“You don’t have to be a pianist. You can be a singer, a painter, a cartoonist… An engineer, a teacher, a doctor, a bricklayer, a plumber, an electrician… Whatever you wish, Ninì. I swear I’m going to do my best to help you find your call. And when you’ll stumble, mama is gonna be there to catch you before you get hurt too bad. Always.”

Empty promises? Is she going to turn into one of those ‘mother knows best’ ladies, who ignore their children wishes? Is she going to screw up - screwing him up, in the process - along the way? She’s so terrified of all that can hurt him, out there. Including herself.

*******************************

Rome, Anna Furlan & Gioele Fares Apartment Early morning of a day in 2020

He's happy. Happier than she's ever seen him in a really long time. And when she says 'happy', she doesn't mean the euphoric "LOOK, MOM! I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!" state that always leads to a catastrophic crashing down… No, it's more like a calm soothing feeling that has him smiling fondly when she playfully slaps his hand - no, he's not allowed to have a taste before it's ready or, worse, dip his fingers into the batter: who raised him? - and shoos him out of the kitchen with a

"Go make yourself useful, Ninì. There’s some stuff in your old room that need to be sorted.” He looks touched, like he can’t quite believe he’s being trusted to actually know what can be tossed away and what should he should take with him.

He's content, yeah. But for how long? How can she soften the blow, when everything will inevitably fall apart?

She tried, so hard, to teach him not to rely on others when it comes to his own peace of mind… Made sure he'd give his best in trying to build a future for himself. But he's so… Spooked, and vulnerable, always on the lookout… Terrified he might end up alone. Unloved.

How… How can anybody meet her sweet, wide-eyed, cheerful Niccolò and not be instantly charmed by him? Not want to spend the rest of their life by his side?

Okay, he's got his flaws and his fluctuating moods can be hard to deal with. One might end up being his doctor, instead of a parent or a lover… She often catches herself going down that road, and she must admit it's nice to have Martino around to make her notice that. Maddalena would never have dared.

She might have not been exactly thrilled that Nico had fallen in love with him - up to the point she doubted the love itself, preferring to chalk it up to an obsession, an hyper fixation - but he sure won her over with his attentiveness, his willingness to learn from his past mistakes and not let the bad times spoil the best ones. Either the instants they would cherish for the years to come, or the momentary bliss that would be forgotten as soon as they closed their eyes. Both were worth being lived to their fullest.

He is human, imperfect, and proudly so.

And Niccolò wouldn't leave him just because he’s not infallible, would he? So why can’t he extend the same courtesy to himself?

Why, why would he think - even for a second - that he doesn't deserve all the best that the world can offer?

It must have been something she said. Something she did. The therapists have been pretty adamant on that.

‘Stop. Stop there. Stop making this about you. It isn’t. It never was. It will never be.’ She reprimands herself, as soon as she realises where her thoughts are leading her to. ‘Stop regretting what you can’t change, and work on what you can do better from now on. Remember he’s not your baby anymore, he’s an adult who will soon find out that being grown ups doesn’t mean you’ll get handed the answers and that everything will finally make sense in your life. He’s going to have to deal with that on his own… Or with Martino, who’s going through the same earth shattering revelation. You need to step down, step aside… And let him fall, let him live, Anna.’

It’s harder than usual to listen to the rational part of her brain, today, with him having just turned 21. He’s still so tiny… and small… Not weak, though.

She smiles, as she recalls the last meal they had with their relatives down in Gubbio - where her mother-in-law whispered into her ear “I like this one, he gives the best hugs. Reminds me of my dear Giorgio…” while looking at Martino - and all the teasing Niccolò had to endure from them… Until he got up, and said “Bet none of you can do this.” and proceeded to carry a disgruntled Martino over his shoulder. “Mh? What? Can’t hear you over the sound of my amazing strength, Marti. Told you I could do it, but you didn’t believe me…”

“Mom? Mom! You kept her?” Nico snaps out her reminisces, waving a tattered stuffed animal in front of her eyes. She jumps back, nearly dropping the baking tray. He saves it with his free hand, and together they put it in the oven.

“You kept her? Gertrude?” He asks, once again, after she has set the timer and sat down with him at the table. The poor giraffe has lost all of her spots - if she hadn’t seen her in her prime, back in 1999, she might have mistaken this Gertrude for a cow - and an eye. That had caused quite the scare, when she and Gio asked Nico where it had gone and he pointed at his mouth, giggling…

Poor chap, she had been dragged all over the floors and up on every tree that Niccolò had climbed as a child. And then she disappeared, after Maddalena's first visit. He needed to show her he was a man, not a little boy.

“Of course I did… I figured you might want to hand her down to…Another generation?”

“Mom, please…” He rolls his eyes, sighing.

“Hey, hey…” Fingertips on his cheekbones. A kiss on his forehead. Small gestures to reassure Nico that he’s not going to let her down because he won’t ever see himself raising a kid. “You know I don’t really care for a grandchild. It could be the gift from a cool uncle. Fitting, since you got it from your coolest aunt, right? Gabi wouldn’t want Gertrude to end up all alone, forgotten, at the bottom of a dusty box. Didn’t you promise them both a big adventure?”

“You... “ Niccolò whispers, tearing up a little.

“... remember? Of course I do, sweetheart. I’ve still got the birthday card you wrote them when you were five, after all… And what bigger adventure than the life you just started building for yourself?"

"I'm hardly doing that on my own."

"So? Don't sell yourself short. You're doing great..." Oh, is he really too old for a cuddle? Because she definitely feels like they should walk over to the sofa and just thread her fingers through his curls as he dozes off and forget all about his troubles.

The buzzing of the intercom has them getting up at the same time, racing to get it first. He's a damn cheat, no better than his father - what a pair of sore losers - and wins without breaking a sweat. She's hasn't been this silly in a long, long time... and she doesn't even know why.

"Marti?"

Well, maybe she can leave the cuddling to the expert.

[paytonspilgrimage]

My Nativity Scene is All Wrong

My grandma would be pissed, but I’m just going to say it:

My nativity scene is wrong. There, I said it. 

My grandma hand-painted each figure in the nativity that’s displayed on a window sill in my living room. Our Christmas tree sits beside it. The lights woven in & out of the tree’s branches illuminate the nativity scene at night, it’s quite lovely, actually. Festive, cutesy even. 

My great-grandpa, whom we called Tiger, built the stable that houses all the hand-painted nativity figures. It was a creative project shared between father & daughter, my great-grandpa & grandma. It’s an heirloom at this point. I adore it, truly, but it’s wrong.

It’s not because most of the figures are brimming with anglo-saxon features: a blonde, blue-eyed Jesus & Mary, even! Obviously that’s not accurate, but that’s not altogether why it’s wrong.

Conjure up the Christmas story in your head: what do you see, what do you remember? What have you been told? The Bethlehem Hilton was all out of rooms, not even Joseph’s Hilton Honors Rewards could get them a slubby single-bed room on the smoking floor. That led Mary & Joseph to some stable on the wayside to deliver a Savior; surrounded by whimsical farm animals. Oh, & then three guys showed up offering strange baby-shower gifts. 

Okay, I’m being facetious. But really, it wasn’t an inn, there was no stable! Tiger got it wrong. 

“The inn”, “no room at the inn”… The greek word used in the original translation of the Christmas Story for “The Inn” is kataluma.

 Kataluma simply means the upstairs level of a home where guests would stay. Mary & Joseph had relatives in Bethlehem, who would customarily offer up their kataluma (guest rooms) to family-members passing though, but with the census happening, & all the other relatives returning to Bethlehem, ALL AT ONCE, there wasn’t a guest room available. They were full. Big family. Tiny katalumas.

This is important, we’ll come back to it, promise.

So “the inn” wasn’t an inn, it was a house, a family member’s house. Oh, and the stable? Right. Didn’t exist. Not a thing, sorry, Tiger. 

Residential, middle-eastern architecture in the year of 4(ish) BC matters to the Christmas story. I know, it’s a niche subject-matter, but, there’s really just one thing we need to understand about the family-homes of Mary & Joseph’s relatives: the downstairs of a village home in this era served many functions. 

Often, it was used as a workshop during the day & at night (my grandma would love this part)... it was used to shelter the property owner’s frail animals. The able-bodied members of the flock were usually all left outdoors at night, but the ones needing extra attention were put downstairs.

You were right, Grandma. There very well could’ve been animals at Christ’s birth. You nailed it when you picked out little, dainty sheep & a skinny, tired-looking cow to paint & place throughout the nativity.

There might have been animals there that night, & surely there were animals there sometimes, but it wasn't a stable! This isn’t just semantics, this is… well, this is the gospel. Let me explain.

Let’s fast-forward in the Christmas story a little, shall we? Here is Luke 2:8-11:

“That night, in a field near Bethlehem, there were shepherds watching over their flocks. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared in radiant splendor before them, lighting up the field with the blazing glory of God, and the shepherds were terrified!  But the angel reassured them, saying, “Don’t be afraid. For I have come to bring you good news, the most joyous news the world has ever heard! And it is for everyone everywhere! For today in Bethlehem, a rescuer was born for you. He is the Lord Yahweh, the Messiah. You will recognize him by this miracle sign: You will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and lying in a feeding trough!”

Seems like a strange miracle sign, no? & so specific… “A baby”, “Wrapped in strips of cloth”, “Laying in a feeding trough”, Huh. 

But it matters. A lot. Every part of the “miracle sign” matters.

We’ve got to revisit middle-eastern architecture in the year of 4(ish) BC for just a second. They really ought to make “Middle-Eastern Architecture in the Year of 4(ish) BC a “Jeopardy!” category. Studying the Christmas story has really given me a crash course on it. 

The Shepherds visited by angels that night were very possibly near a tower called “Migdal Eder” that night. It was a watchtower in Bethlehem. One used to watch over flocks of sheep (Migdal Eder means ‘flock tower’ in Hebrew). This tower is a big deal. It was on the lower floor of this watchtower where the Passover Lambs were birthed. The selected ewes (momma sheep) who were about to give birth were brought there. When the lambs were born, the priestly shepherds would wrap the lambs in cloth & lay them in managers. Mangers lined with soft hay so the lambs would not hurt themselves. Passover lambs were to be unblemished; no bruises, broken bones; spotless.

The “miracle sign” the angels had given the shepherds wasn’t random, oddly-specific nonsense to them. They knew that a baby boy lying in the lower level of a structure, wrapped in cloth & in a manger is where the passover lamb should be…

& there he was. The passover lamb. Perfect. Spotless, without blemish. Christ Jesus.

My nativity scene is all wrong. That’s okay, though. I fixed it…

It can look like a stable, that’s fine. Tiger did a great job on it, afterall. It’s so sturdy & has held up so well even though it was made before I was even born. But I’d argue, it is important we know that Jesus wasn’t born in a stable.

One, because passover lambs weren’t born in stables. They were born in set apart places, among the frail & weak. Jesus is the passover lamb, & he, too, was born among the frail & weak, only to make them strong. 

Two, because I promised we’d come back eventually to why big families & tiny katalumas matter. Because when baby Jesus grows up he makes it a big point to tell all of the disciples that his Father’s house has MANY rooms (John 14:2). If it wasn’t a stable, it was downstairs. If it was downstairs, it’s because the katalumas were filled up. Big family, tiny kataluma… but baby Jesus grows up to preach great news: God’s got a big family, & a really, realllllly big kataluma. If you were worried there wasn’t any place for you in God’s house, there is. 

My nativity scene is wrong! & it’s not the blonde/white Jesus, it’s not the stable (though Jesus wasn’t white & he wasn’t born in a stable)... it’s that it’s MISSING something. Something big, something major! 

Jesus is our passover lamb. A perfect sacrifice to show us that we’re covered-- any sins we commit, any misplacement of our identity, any bad decisions or bad intentions: they’re covered. The passover lamb rendered them unrelated to our worth & deservingness of God’s love. 

That’s great news, but it’s the full gospel.

Yes, Jesus is the passover lamb, but he’s also the Lion of Judah. 

Him being a lamb, it’s sufficient…  but him also being the lion is The Good News, The Best News, The Gospel. 

The Passover lamb renders us innocent. 

The Lion of Judah renders us victorious. 

The Passover lamb tells us we are pure.

The Lion of Judah rips the head off of anyone who lies & says we aren’t.

The moment that the passover lamb was swaddled in cloth & placed in his manger, frail, innocent, spotless… he also rose up like a vicious, victorious beast. The moment He arrived to die for our sins, he’d already stood over them -- licking his jowls, ready to defeat them. 

The Christmas Story is the Easter Story, and vise versa. 

The Lamb is the Lion, and vise versa. 

Here’s where I land the plane, I promise. 

We called my great grandpa “Tiger”. I can’t really tell you how it started. But we called him Tiger & he called all his grandkids Tiger, too. It was a universal nickname of sorts. Maybe it's because he had so many grandkids, it was easier to just call us all, “Tiger”. 

I sometimes like to call God, “Lion”. I’ve already told you how that started.

My nativity scene was all wrong, but I pulled a little lion figure from my son’s toy box. 

I fixed it. 

So, thank you, Grandma Becky & Great-Grandpa Tiger… for leaving a piece of the nativity for me to finish. Perhaps you did it on purpose all along.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #280

“this is the place in our mind with a crooked crown / we came to execute its own perfect shutdown”

Do you have a strong local accent? No. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Red, but either is fine so long as they’re crisp. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? pffff Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? Pizza guy. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? No idea. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? ”No. That’s a gross game lol you’re dipping your head and mouth into water other people are dipping their head and mouth into.” <<<< This. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? No clue. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? Guys I actually took a selfie bc for once in my goddamn life, I felt really pretty with the makeup Summer did on me. She's working towards a degree in cosmetology and is so talented with it. What’s the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat pup. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? Omg, yes. I got one for I think Christmas one year as a kid and I got SO into it. I learned how to do it really well. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Probably not without throwing up. Have you ever been banned from a public place? No. Have you ever been in a newspaper? A couple times, I think. I know once in elementary school for when I was in chorus; we went somewhere for a small Christmas show. Then I believe I was in it for another school thing? Idr. What football team do you support? I don’t care for football or sports in general. What did you want to be when you grew up? My phases included paleontologist, vet, movie director, author, game designer, aaaand I know I’m forgetting one. But my current and long-term goal has been to become a photographer. Being an artist as a free time “job” has always been an aspiration, too. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? In school, yeah. How often do you buy new clothes? Very rarely. Usually just around Christmas or my birthday from gift cards I get. Are you reliable? In some ways yes, in other ways no. Are you proud of yourself? No. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? If she’s ended up happy. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? Mom does pretty much last minute, but only sometimes when looking at the past few years. Can you solve sudoku puzzles? Sure, they’re fun. What’s the most unusual conversation you've ever had? Who knows. Are you much of a gambler? Not at all. I don’t fuck around with money, especially when just $5 makes you feel great. Have you ever been to Disneyland? I’ve been to Disney World. Do you sing in the shower? Very rarely. Almost never now that I don’t play music while I’m in there. As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I mean probably? I do know I loved my pacifier and was SO upset when Mom’s doctor or someone playfully told me I was gonna have to give it up because my upcoming baby sister would want to steal it, and guess what? Nicole never fucking used a pacifier so I was tilted lmao. What time do you usually go to bed? Lol BRO it can be as early as 7 PM on bad depression days to as late as like, 2-3 AM. I’d say the average time is like… 9:30. What's your favorite animal? MEERKATS hngggggggggggggggg Have you ever been in marching band? No. Do you have any enemies? No? At least I don’t consider anyone to be. Have you ever been a cheerleader? As a kid, Mom wanted me to so I could do something with my sisters, who were actually interested in cheerleading. She certainly didn’t force me to or anything, I just agreed to it despite not being into it. We were with this Christian sports group for a long time doing various sports all the while being taught lessons in Christlikeness. I’ve actually got warm memories of it Did you ever date anyone on the football team? No. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, not that I’m against the idea tho. The plushy would just have to be very special to me and also comfortable to hold. How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I missed an entire week when I learned about Mom’s cancer. I could barely function. With how much school stressed me, I would NOT have managed. Have you ever been pregnant? No, not in my to-do list. When was the last time you wanted to speak out, but couldn’t? I’m sure it was recently over Facebook; most times, I keep my mouth shut over political things on there that might get me fired up because I’m afraid of confrontation. Are fingerless gloves awesome? I love them. Wore them daily in high school. I still have some of my favorites, though I’m doubtful they still fit my hands… Would you rather be cannibalistic or die in the wilderness? Okay so I’m gonna actually go kinda in-detail, so the squeamish be warned. Realistically, I think I’d choose to die. ESPECIALLY if I was the one expected to kill another person; then, there’s no question. I wouldn’t be able to do it either if I knew the person. If it was some stranger someone else killed and cooked, I don’t know with absolute certainty; starvation really can make animals out of people. I do know for sure I’d vomit. I far more heavily lean into still preferring to die, because I just believe some things aren’t worth living after they’ve been committed. I’d hate myself. I’d rather die feeling clean of conscience. Would you survive on a deserted island? Hell no. Have you dyed your hair eccentric colors in the past? Yeah, I want to do it far more often… What size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants? Medium, sometimes small. What do you think is the best thing in life? Love, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? We sold our previous dog over Craigslist, and I sold my iguana there as well. I know Mom has used eBay and Amazon, but idk for what. Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? I’ve seen old pet cats give birth many times. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? I want a job that I’m content with and can mentally handle. Oh, and I REALLY want to make strong progress on recovering from the muscle atrophy in my legs. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? I have no clue; I’m not that adventurous with pizza or food in general. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? GOTHIC AS A MOTHERFUCKER WELCOME TO THE GOTDAMN ADDAMS FAMILY. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? My cat. :’) How often do you wear tights? Ew, never. Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? I guess Instagram, but only as a viewer. I don’t have a personal one, just for my photography that I only rarely post. Have you ever had a veggie burger? Yeah, during my vegetarian streak. Burger King’s really aren’t that bad so long as the patty is made well. Do you like candles? Yeah, sure. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? Forever ago when I was doing Wii Fit. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? I think Hot Topic? It’s an oversized Umbreon shirt. Who last messaged you on Facebook? My friend Summer when we were planning our lil witch photoshoot w/ friends. Who last walked you home? lol you don’t just have someone “walk you home” here. Bundles of homes are way too far and in-between for reasonable walking distance. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? Not really recently, no. Would you rather see your favorite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? Seeing Ozzy with my mom would be a DREAM, but to be realistic, I’d take the shopping spree pretty damn quickly. $20k? That would do WONDERS for us, especially as we’re about to move into a new place. When was the last time you threw up and why did you? A long time ago when I started a new medication. Do you want revenge on the person who has hurt you the most? … I’m gonna be REAL honest. For the most part, no. But ngl there are times I’m like “I’m gonna work on getting back in shape and become H O T” like a petty bitch lmao this is embarrassing to admit. Has anyone ever claimed that you saved their life? Yes. Did you ever have that near-drowning experience? No. Have you ever performed on stage? For dance, yes, but I never did a solo. Are you a jealous person? Not jealous (usually), but I’ve come to realize I’m a pretty envious piece of shit. Morning person or night person? I’m in my best mood in the morning because I have the “it’s a fresh start” ideology. Then I repeat exactly what I did the day before. :^) Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Do you meditate? No, but I wish I could without it only causing more stress. Do you like cranberries that they serve for Thanksgiving? EW I hate cranberries. What don't you understand that frustrates you? Finances. Do you plan on going to college? I’ve tried college three times and dropped out each time. I’m done trying with school. Do you believe the governments hide technology and information from the public? AbsoFUCKINGlutely. Which is your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales! What horror fiction character scares you the most? What’s the name of the villain in the Scream series? Ghostface? I don’t feel like looking it up, but he TERRIFIED me as a kid, and I still think he’s mega creepy. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? I was in Girl Scouts. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No. Do you have any family secrets? Don’t think so. Do you often read your horoscope? Never. They’re bullshit. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? No; also bullshit. Have you ever milked a cow? No. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? They’ve always scared me because I’m afraid of throwing up. Now with how dizzy I get, I absolutely refuse to try one because I WILL faint with all the movement. What’s your favorite sportswear brand? idc Who’s your favorite superhero? Does Deadpool count? Who’s your favorite villain/baddie? If we’re still in the comics/superhero universe, the Joker. Have you ever won a giant-sized cuddly toy from a fair? No. What would you say is your favorite album of all time? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne. I fucking adore it; it was my introduction to metal, and still after all this time, every track S L A P S. I deadass played that CD so much that it scratches at a few points. Do you dislike hairy people? lol fuck this question. I’m guessing you’re asking if I find them attractive and not as if people I “dislike” them, but in both cases, it’s no. We’re mammals, who the fuck cares how hairy you are. Do you like your own name? I actually do really like my name. My first one, anyway. Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? NOPE. Want one? You’re gonna have to find someone else willing to, my man. How long has your longest ever phone call been? No less than two hours, but I know more. I have three instances in particular where I talked with either friends or Jason for SO long. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Hell no. What is your family Christmas like? Nicole comes here so she and I open presents with Mom, then we spend the day at my older sister’s to be with the kids. We also try to squeeze visiting Dad in there the same day, but sometimes it has to be a different one. If you met a genie who offered you three wishes, what would you wish for? (more wishes does not count) Just three is hard… but #1 is indisputably world peace, and then uhhhh the end of poverty and maybe the cure for cancer. I’d have a super hard time picking a third; so many things matter to me. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face? No, not in my plans. Do you have any strange body things? Well, define “strange,” I guess? Nothing like, really strange. What fairy tale character would you most associate with? Can I be Snow White and attract cute critters like moths to a flame? Also I would 100% take a Good apple. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing? It would depend on the person and our bond, really. Is there a cherished song between us? What is our relationship like? There’s no umbrella song I can think of. Is your dad an embarrassing dancer? GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! My sister’s wedding, okay? Father/daughter dance? He actually has MOVES and it was incredible man, never gonna forget that. What if any unusual objects have you swallowed? Nothing, I think. If you were stinking rich, would you only go to places other rich people went? Hell naw, man. There are plenty of great, affordable places in all categories. I could be a millionaire and you’d still see my ass in McDonald’s ordering a burger and fries lmao. Have you ever owned a slinky? My sisters and I had multiple as kids; those were d o p e. Teenage parents, good, bad, or indifferent? An AWFUL idea. A teenager is physically, most likely financially, and mentally unprepared to raise a child properly. It can seriously affect the kid, and of course the parent. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken? I’m unsure. Pirate downloads, good or bad? It’s bad… yet plenty (myself included) have/do do it. Democracy, good or bad? Good. It’s very important to me that rule should come from the people’s majority versus a small coalition of rich guys. While the majority is not always right, it seems like the best option to me. Communism, good or bad? Okay so to be totally honest I actually don’t entirely understand what communism outlines. Like I just read multiple definitions and small articles and I’m still kinda like “????”, though judging by the countries listed as those governed by communism, I would guess it’s bad? Have you ever been electrocuted? On an electric fence, but it wasn’t too bad. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender? Yeah. The war in Iraq, good or bad? Get the fuck out of it. To start with, I’m a pretty fierce pacifist, and just… killing and killing and killing for YEARS is so goddamn pointless and is just a massacre. The war in Afganistan, good or bad? jfc ^ Have you ever appeared on YouTube? LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS lmfao Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? No,, but that’d be dope. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you prefer male or female singers voices? ”Their gender doesn’t matter, but their talent does.” <<<< Do you have a list of things to do before your ‘x’ years old? Goals should not be judged by age. I’m bad at this and have to remind myself of it a lot. A goal is a goal regardless of a number. Celebrate for *you*. Are you proud, comfortable or ashamed of your body? Very very much ashamed. Do you know html? Super poorly. Have you ever flown first class? lol hunny What are better, violins or pianos? Violins. How old is your oldest blanket? As old as me. My baby blanket is stored somewhere. Do you take enough vacations? lol hell no. I’ve maybe gone on three vacations in my entire life. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Yup. Then one time I was recovering from a wicked stomach virus but went to Olive Garden anyway lol. I was fine though, and it’s actually a sweet memory because Jason (he worked there at the time) got the staff to do the whole “happy birthday” thing. I got a bombin’ brownie. Who is your favorite person? Sara and my mom. What do you do to stay healthy? lol you assume I’m healthy. What is your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Do you like going to church? I never did. As a kid, I would cry when/if Mom decided we were going to mass after Sunday school lmao. It’s always been boring and too long to me, even when I was religious. Have you ever fallen asleep during a sermon? Probably as a kid. Do you like to pray for others? No. I don’t believe anyone hears them or will intervene somehow if I ask anyway. Have you ever witnessed a miracle? No. I don’t think I believe in those anyway. Have you ever been the recipient of a miracle? Definitely not. How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s)? I thought “Roman” was a majestic name for a male cat, and Venus has the coloration that the planet does. Who did you last walk a dog with? Sara and I walked Buster the last time I was there. It was windy as SHIT so we didn’t get far because my ass was absolutely freezing, all the while Sara was used to it. Ride bikes with? Wow, good question. I haven’t ridden a bike in many, many years. Hold hands with? My friend Summer did yesterday when she was trying to reassure me of something. For what reason did you last high five someone? Ryder and Aubree each caught Pokemon in Pokemon GO. :’’’’) I was watching them in the car while my sister/their mom was doing something at work, and they wanted to play it; they’ve come to learn that between my phone and DS, I’m the Pokemon provider, lol. I was the proudest fucking aunt ever bc they did SO GOOD after getting the hang of throwing the ball like Y’ALL. When Ash came back to the car, I gave ‘em each high fives before getting back in. What color and type is your vehicle? Don’t have my own car. Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? I doubt I’ll have my own soon. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Like, décor or stuffed animals, things like that? Not the actual living creature? Easily meerkats, holy shit do I have a collection. What do you use to wash your dishes? Gain soap. Last thing you measured? Uhhh idk. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Last song you danced to? *shrug* What do you remember from your dream last night? I just remember it was a nightmare about Dad being angry. How old were you when you got your first credit card? Lol I don’t have one. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Mom, yes. Dad, no, because we don’t live together. What does your shampoo and conditioner smell like? I just started using a Dove brand shampoo targeting dandruff, so I don’t think it has a specific smell. I don’t use conditioner, just adds grease to your hair, plus mine is short anyway. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Idk. Last person you told that they smell good? I also don’t know. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I’ve never touched it. Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Ummm idr. How many plants can you see right now? There’re none in my room. Last compliment you received on your appearance? HA On your character/personality? That I was a loving sister. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? N/A Who have you hugged in the past month? My mom, Summer, sisters, niece and nephew, Dad… Newest musical discovery? 3TEETH is great. Like, I'm obsessed. Their cover of “Pumped Up Kicks” snagged my attention, despite actually being iffy about it at first. Guess what I’m listening to this minute lmao. Last thing you cleaned? A cup. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? A purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, keys, wallet, hand sanitizer, and my iPod are items of note. Where is your newest scar? It’s on the palm of my left hand from Roman playing with me. Where is your oldest scar? Idk. Last thing you disposed of? The milk carton. What was the last picture someone sent you? Mom sent me a gif from Hocus Pocus to fit the witch photoshoot Summer, her friend, and I did. Did you hear a siren today? No. What do you typically drink? I would rather not pretend I tend to drink soda lmao Last bad news you heard? My aunt’s brother committed suicide a couple days ago. Last good news you heard? I don’t really know. How far away is the closest cinema from your house? It’s like, 15-ish minutes away. Have you ever been to the emergency room? Many times. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? Y’all know me and coffee. But in place, I have my morning Mountain Dew, rip in fucking pieces. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? No, though I’m honestly curious what I’d look like. Do you know the story of how your parents met? If so, tell me? They were coworkers; that’s all I know. What is your favorite Chinese food? I love pork fried rice. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my Mom. I live around 20 minutes or so away from Dad. What was the last hot food you ate? I’m assuming you mean spicy as opposed to just hot as in temperature. In that case, probably hot wings. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. Describe your current position: I’m lying down in bed, just kinda perked up by my two pillows. Have you used a microwave today? Yes; I had a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Do you prefer going out for coffee or brewing your own? N/A Have you consumed caffeine today? If so, in what form? yikes- Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? Not that I know of. Have you killed a bug this week? Yes; we’re dealing with a lovely mix of gnats and fleas. What was the first food you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Or maybe pancakes with Mom’s assistance. Idr. Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? No. How many email accounts do you have? Two. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I like my mom to be with me. How long is your average shower? 15 minutes, maybe? It depends on the routine I feel like doing. When’s the last time you had a headache? Yesterday. What woke you up this morning? I think I woke up naturally? A rare occasion nowadays. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Summer, yesterday.

[drinkfantasy]

Anne With an e E Season Finale comments (with spoilers )

First of all

THE EPISODE SELECTION SCENE ON CBC WEBSITE. WTF. I SCREAMED. THEY MIGHT'VE HEARD ME FROM JAPAN. (im not sure but I suppose it’s called thumbnail)

moving on....

• Oh poor Winnie.. she never stood a chance, I knew.. (there was a time when I wanted to make her disappear not gonna lie) but feelings bro.. nobody deserves to have their feelings messed up with like that..

• Unrequited MY AASSSSSSSSSS

• but they way he shrinks away from her when she says it..

• The looks. The thoughts. I can perfectly hear theirs 'he read the note, He doesn't love me' ' I told her, she doesn't love me.'

YOU IDIOOOOOOTS

• "Is there anything else you want to say... to me? "

• ..... "Congratulations"..... kill me

• Oh Diana "it's not your future it's ours" may a commit murderer pls? It would be quick and clean just two people Mr and Mrs Barry, thanks. LET THE GIRL LIVE

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a period drama show and things were different even though my rage against misogyny, racism and all those preconceptions are very much up to date

• "You had one job" I'm gonna make a meme out of that scene. You wait

• Ouch, I felt replaced, and I'm not anne. "SO.. you're getting a boy after all" that messes up with my childhood trauma of abandonment. I am taking that very personal now.

• I'm happy to see Mrs. Lacroix getting along with Bash.. he deserves peace..

• NOOOOO you have to give the pen back to her PERSONALLY gilbert for fuck sake dont screw up my moment I'VE BEEN WAITNG FOR THIIIISS

• ANOTHER FUCKING NOTE??????? ARE FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEE

• oh my

• "You are the fond object of my affection and my desire. You and you alone, are the keeper of the key to my heart"

• At least he was smarter and didnt leave it on the kitchen table. Thank you Gilbert, I wouldn't be able to go through THAT again.

• What the hell with this "practical decisio' Matthew??????????????????

• ANNEEEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO J FUKCJNG KNEW SKMEJTJNG WOULD HAPPEN WITH THE BLOODY NOTE !!!!!!!!

• 'I can't fly. I don't matter. I can't fly" oh Diana... T.T

• Awwnn Marilla trying to cheer Anne up it fills my heart with warm. Really

• I really thought the way Bash dashed out like that he would punched Elijah in the face right there and then

• " those of us who can soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths. -" it's a balance " - "it's the beauty of it" (*my vision gets blurry* ... I might I have to change my prescriptions sniff sniffs)

• Oh Matthew (hugs him through the screen)

• Anne in those grown up clothes and with her hair up. (*-*)

• Omg the board house

• Just when you thought the representation in this show couldn't get any better.. BITCH YOU THOUGHT

• Those girls.. hahaushuahahsuahshahhaaoajsiishahahabs

• Ok.. they are really good people cuz I'd never trust Elijah again. like evah

• Dellie being the most beautiful baby ever but what's new under the sun?

Almost half an hour through the episode and I'm starting to think that the episode selection scene was a trick. A very mean trick. I'm about to get the wig down from the shelf yall...

• OH Anne who do you think you fooling

• Cole being an amazing friend <3

• "This is for you. This is the money from Pride... the cow. It's a travel fund" oh Matthew "I was afraid to show you my feelings because I didnt want to hold you back but doing so I know I hurt yours, I'm sorry. I'll miss you every day, I love you so" I'm noT CRYING YOU ARE

• Omg that old woman... I'm sorry but I'm laughing

• DIANA'S FAAAAAACEEEEEEEEE YAAALLL TAKING TO GILBERT!!!!

• You tell him DianA YOU TELL HIMMM

• OMG

• "WHAT LETTER?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

• OMGFUCKINGGOOOOOOOODDDDDD

• RUN GILBERT RUN

• OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOOMGMGOMG

• ok

• They look at each other longingly

• One more fucking time

• And

• KIISSSSSSSSSSSSS. THEY FINALLY FUCKING KIIISSSSSSSSSSS YALLLLLLLL

• IM SCREAMING

• WE ARE NOT CLOWNS ANYMORE *burns the wig while doing a ridiculous happy dance*

• "I just had to check. I have a very good imagination so you know" ME TOO ANNE ME TOO I ACTUALLY SLAPPED MYSELF IN THE FACE CUZ OOOH

• "You just got here" yeah, Gilbert,  you don’t just kiss a girl that you've been waiting to kiss for fucking years to just walk away like that!!!!!!!!!

• That hand kiss *uwu*

• "Penpals?"

• DIANA???????????? OMG. What is Diana doing there!!?!?!??!?!?!

• "Can I still be your roommate?" WHAAATTTT SHES GOING TO QUEENS WHAT CHANGED HER PARENTS MIND WHAT MIRACLES HAVE BEEING IN OPERATIONS OMG THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD IM NOT USED TO SO MANY GOOD THINGS LIKE THIS AT ONCE. I'm scared now.

• *Gilbert goes into the carriage*

*looks at anne* *goes off of the carriage* *kisses anne*

• Oh the Cuthberts being adorable

• "You gave me my wish, my birthday wish, my lifetime wish" oohh I'm so bloody happy that Anne got to know more about her biological parents. She deserved that much.

• "Dear Gilbert... I look like my mother"

My heart burst into happy flames

[tubb0]

stream liveblog: tommyinnit 8/22

I woke up literally a minute before he started so thats cool

he’s in a mood

he says he’s going to spend more time editing his videos (and upload less)

he also says his plan is two smp videos and then ‘something cool. something you might recognize’ 👀

oh so someone is building a tesck to compete with walmart. good.

theres a nether protal in tommys tower. he is not pleased

I just woke up idk whos been doing stuff but they’ve been quite busy

tommy is upset that tubbo was streaming with someone who ‘stole his brand’ (wearing a red t-shirt)

chat says his name is also tom

now hes in call with tubbo, yelling

‘you’re not just gonna go speak to this guy with more red in his shirt than me’

oh he hung up on tubbo

shippers will have a fierld day with this one (I desperately hope they don’t exist since these are children but yknow I’m sure they do)

you can see the corner of tommys bed when he fullscreens his facecam. he doesn’t have sheets or a mattress cover on his bed. do what you will with this (unless its weird then please dont)

tubbo_ has joined the game

tommy says he will ghost tubbo

also hey its fine to have a crush on tommy if you’re around his age but you dont have be weird and pushy about it

tubbo is doing the sad walk and tommy shot him

tommy: best friendship ended with tubbo. jack manifold is my new best friend

tubbo_ has left the game

chat is babying tubbo again :/

tubbo_ has joined the game

<tubbo_> sorry

tubbo_ has left the game

‘I always knew this day would come. thats why I was always mean to tubbo. I knew he would rob me.’

tubbo_ has joined the game

he left again... his spaghetti is ready

tommy is thinking of ways to but tubbo to work in order for them to earn back his friendship

wait did ponk steak tommys horse? I thought bbh did

anyways retrieve horsechamp

chat says niki lost ylyl because of tommy

wilbur was not pleased that she finds him funny (joking of course)

anyway niki is so pretty

it has just clicked for tommy that the horse is in fact his horse

oh hes on the run

tubbo has returned from eating his poggers spaghetti

tommy is stuck in a hole

tubbo: you know the pope? anyway heres my bee box!

tubbo keeps talking about the pope

tubbo has decided he doesn’t need tommys friendship and left the game

tommy says hes ‘like dream. his only friends are the numbers.’

he called tubbo and theyre both yelling now

tubbo claims to want more mature friends than tommy

tommy is accusing tubbo of being on drugs

the pope returns

‘this is like a divorce’ ‘yeah except I dont care’

they spent a second questioning catholicism

tubbo please why do you keep talking about the pope

tubbo brought up death and tommy shut that down real quick

tubbo out here with definitions

dream has joined the game

dream is only kind to tubbo and yet wont follow them back on twt

there something so endearing about hearing someone moving further from the mic when they laugh

chat is talking about the vlog gun so tommys watching wilburs stream

tommy: *upset about wilbur trying to break the vlog gun* tubbo: does this mean we can be together for mmc??

tommy hit tubbo of his balcony and now tubbo is regretting coming back online

tommy just murdered dream by hitting him with a minecart

ah fuck chat lost it and my streams starting to lag

skeppy is threatening to burn the doscs to avenge dreams death

tommy to tubbo: our friendship really hold this server together

did he lie?? absolutely not

deals are being made

well not really. tommy is trying to get a disc in exchange for dreams stuff

some pvp may occur

stream title has been changed to ‘war’ things are getting serious

tubbos wifi is failing us

oh the boys are fighting

a few thing happened in so little time but to summarize the way that tommy and tubbo trust eachother and silently cooperate is very cool. I aspire for this friendship.

for some reason its always so weird to me when I hear just dream talking to tommy and tubbo

I think its because drram is so stubborn and assertive but tommy does not care or put up with it so no matter what dream always seems to have the lowerhand which doesn’t happen often

I’m confused why is chat making such a big deal about wilbur ending his stream

ah a confrence with president soot

the other day everyone was afraid the server was dying but this seems like the start of another war

wilbursoot has joined the game

do you ever get so caught up in the drama of these stream and then it hits you that these are just a bunch of losers playing minecraft

wilbur... to be fair tommy didnt mean to kill dream... he warned him too

oh?

wilbur whispered to tommy to run while he was negotiating with dream and I think he told tubbo to kill dream but tubbo might also just be doing that for fun idk

dreams bringing up server rules... do it. ban tommy. your server will die immediately.

wilbur has scolded tommy and now tommy is ignoring him to plot with tubbo

sapnap!

I like the dynamic between tommy, tubbo and sapnap very much

sapnap has joined the game

oh my god I have to pee

lmao dream said tommy scams him often and tommy went 😬

‘everyone will call you bream for bitch dream’

tommy gave him his stuff

oh but some was never picked up

yikes dream is actually mad

damn tommy and skeppy are really going at it

chat says skeppy had the sword that dreams mad about uh oh

hehe tommy is very funny

tubbo is bargaining for tommy since dream killed him and is threatening his cow

if chat is right and skeppy actually has the sword hes pretty good at kying because I believe him but also I don’t know him well so

tommy is telling tubbo to kill skeppy now

aw skeppys stream sniping thats no fun

but anyway was that not the sword dream was looking for that tommy just showed in the chest????

so is sapnap on their side now? I think I missed something

no chat seems just as confused as me so

sapnap about betraying dream: it just seemed interesting idk

I think hes lying

chat has a point... I cant tell if tommy doesn’t realize or doesnt care that dream is watching his stream

wait that was cool

dream pearled away from sapnap but tommy saw the pearl and waited there so he could attack

ok but anyway while theyre chasing eachother around how did the minecart kill dream?? I’m pretty sure it does no damage and if I’m wrong dream was still in enchanted netherite and I doubt he was running around on like half a heart... unless he just did a /kill on himself for the drama??

tubbo broke all the ender chests and put them inside one... hes so smart

oh ok so tommy doesn’t care if dream is watching

fuck a bug flew in my eye

ponk and skeppy just reading the deaths in chat and making small comments lol

tubbo what

sapnap please

I’m very glad dream isnt in vc anymore because I bet he’s very upset and he gets scary sometimes

dont get me wrong I love him but yknow

oh no sapnap dont :(

tommy is getting so nervous about tubbos wifi going out because then itll be him against everyone else online lmao

tubbo: our relationship cannot be toxic because I am not in love with you :))

no tubbo not the pope again

tubbo please my head hurts

woah tubbo just killed tubbo while dream started killing him

oh he logged out and now dream is killing tommy

at this point dream is purposely not communicating with tommy and I’m getting nervous

oh hes back

go tubbo go

yknow what a man can do with 55 sticks?

tubbo accidentally locked himself in jail lmao

tommy is calling dream clay

he does not care

dream logged out (unrelated to above statements)

woah wait what tubbo is leading tommy somewhere secret that he cant even show on stream

tubbo you genius what do you have planned

tommy is playing his vlog to entertain stream while tubbo directs him to the secret

wtf tubbo

also they said sounds have to be off so I think the location might be in the nether or something because sounds will apparently give it away

dying is the only way they can leave??? but it cant be the end though right?

cuz like the achievements would show up

hmm

I don’t want to be too much of a snitch in case any of them actually are lurking on here but anyways tubbo is very epic

both tubbo and tommys mothers are teachers?

but they have a point dont skip your classes to watch someone play minecraft!

tubbo is such a good friend

they also say their in a tournament on the 31st so look forward to it

tommy is really throwing shade at shippers this stream. good for him.

oh and lowkey dnf shade too haha

ha tubbo almost leaked one of tommys video ideas

tubbo just wants to play fall guys

tommy is too self aware

but also he has a point. chat always sides with tubbo because they baby him

its kinda weird ngl

ahh my wifis going out :(

they’re watching the sunrise on tommys balcony while listening to blocks

oop tommy ended the stream because chat was being weird

gg tommy

anyway good stream go check it out if you havent already because I left some stuff out either because I type too slow or didn’t want to leak secrets :))

[iicewitch]

☕ real boy

a playlist for @stevenrcgers​ link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below

1. blood, sweat and tears - bts   Peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet Chocolate cheeks and chocolate wings But your wings are wings of the devil In front of your sweet is bitter bitter 2. brainchild - everything everything A good thing Now you think about it, don't you make it real? The bad thing, maybe it's a feeling I don't want to feel But love is all you need to know But love is all you need to know

3. dumb dumb - red velvet

Like a mannequin Everything is so awkward I should just act like I do normally But whenever I see you, I act so stupid Like my little brother’s robot Everything is so awkward What do I do? I think I’m broken I forgot even how to breathe 4. the zombie song - stephanie mabey And I'd try not to bite and infect you because I'd respect you too much And that's why I'd wait until we got married Oh, and our happiest days would be spent Picking off all your friends and they'd see A love this deep won't stay buried

5. real boy -  lola blanc Every time we touch your hands are colder, colder There's no beating coming from your wooden chest Frozen grin, a mannequin When I get closer I can see the strings there underneath your vest 6. who do you want to be ? - oingo boingo Who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be? I think I'll be a teddy boy, I think I'll be a hunk I think I'll be a tough guy and I think I'll be a punk I might just be a fashion star all dressed in frilly rags Or perhaps, I'll cross the other side and walk around in drag! 7. under my skin - jukebox the ghost I can fit two people under my skin Yeah, I can fit two people under my skin And I will prove it if you will listen You crawled up in there, you joined me within I can feel your heart beating under my skin And the beating of your heart is making me bleed from within 8. mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity: tulpamancer's prosopagnosia - will wood and the tapeworms Damn, I thought you’re not your imposter. You’re so sure you’re not gonna get caught! Dead in your own skin, but you didn’t choose what you were born in! And another man in your repertoire, ready in your head and fed upon your memoirs Still the same rules apply from the birthday to the mourning What you feel and what you do; are those things really you? And if not, then what is?  9. breaking out - the protomen If you can hear my voice outside these walls (If you can hear me) If you can hear me sending out this message tonight Then break the silence, send a signal back (If you can hear me) I'm coming, all I need is a little guiding light...

10. roaring 20s - panic at the disco Maybe I'm overjoyed, maybe I'm paranoid Designer me up in straight jackets My tell-tale heart's a hammer in my chest Cut me a silk-tied tourniquet This is my roaring, roaring 20's 11. evelyn evelyn - evelyn evelyn We grew up closer than most Closer than anything, closer than anything Shared our bed and wore the same clothes Talked about everything, spoke about so many things 12. looking glass - the birthday massacre A boyish notion of false emotion These words are spoken despite my love A fool's devotion was set in motion My eyes are open now

13. play dead - the birthday massacre Thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme To those of us who've never tried To find a face behind our lipstick smiles And as our pretty faces die Our broken hearts will wonder why The makeup just won't hide the scars of time 14. lets fall in love - mother mother There's a game in the world A little bit of cat and mouse With the boys and the girls And if I had to ante up I'd bet on the birds 'Cause they don't have to walk around With the boys and the girls 15. o my heart - mother mother And I pour my heart a new foundation But it don't set hard it just stays shaking And I scratch my name I scratch my name in But it don't set hard it gets mixed back in Oh my heart, it's a fish out of water  16. body - mother mother Take my teeth, tear through my cheeks And take the nose go and dispose Oh would you go dispose, just go dispose 'Cause I've grown tired of this body A cumbersome and heavy body 

17. touch up - mother mother I am a makeover queen A swan out of duckling Ugly duckling you're drowning In makeup (in makeup) My makeup (my makeup) Has washed off 18. roman holiday - nicki minaj Take your medication, Roman Take a short vacation, Roman, you'll be okay You need to know your station, Roman Some alterations on your clothes and your brain

19. replicant - they might be giants You've got his eyes Same exact smile All that he has All this will be yours  20. happy days - GHOST Oh, it’s painful My heart is quite a mouthful I’ll tear it out for you I’ll be the sacrifice for you Y’know, things could go exactly how you want it I’d be exactly how you want me Use what’s left of my soiled personality I’m all yours, I’ll do anything 21. girls on film - duran duran 'Cause the crowd all love pulling dolly by the hair By the hair And she wonders how she ever got here As she goes under again Girls on film (two minutes later) Girls on film Girls on film (got your picture) Girls on film  22. nobody - mitski And I know no one will save me I'm just asking for a kiss Give me one good movie kiss And I'll be alright Nobody, nobody, nobody 

23. TT - twice I feel like crying, I don’t feel like myself This isn’t like me at all I love you so much Think I’m all grown up now I’m free to make my own choices, but why Why can’t I have it my way The more I try to push you away The more I’m drawn and attracted to you baby 24. in every dream home a heartache - roxy music Your skin is like vinyl The perfect companion You float my new pool De luxe and delightful Inflatable doll My role is to serve you Disposable darling Can't throw you away now 25. the moss - cosmo sheldrake But have you heard the story of the rabbit in the moon? Or the cow that hopped the planets while straddling a spoon Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune And swapped her songs with swallows while riding on a broom 26. green - todrick hall Green! Is a way of life And the millions would kill to see their name up in the lights For the green is okay tonight But be careful what you wish Because you might get what you like 27. guy.exe - superfruit Oh I, wish I could synthesize a picture perfect guy Oh I, oh I Six feet tall and super strong, we'd always get along Alright, alright Oh, he'd pick me up at eight and not a minute late Cause I don't like to wait, no Kind and ain't afraid to cry or treat his momma right 28. the dismemberment song - blue da kid  Well once upon a time that's where the clock begins And right after the end Well, that's right where the plot thins And I've got no angel to keep me in line! So I'm taking your narrative and I'm making it mine! 29. me!me!me! - teddyloid I’ve worked hard for myself - What have you done for yourself? When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror You’ll realize I wanted you to notice Is this still going on? Is this still happening? Even though I’d been waiting for you Even though I loved you 30. alone together - fall out boy My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken Do you wanna feel beautiful, do you wanna, yeah I'm outside the door, invite me in So we can go back and play pretend 31. get busy living or get busy dying - fall out boy This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters But we never stood a chance And I'm not sure if it matters If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town  32. hi it’s me - ashnikko When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more My best friend thinks that I'm a dumbass My dumbass should be a little more cautious I slip up, I text you, I forget That you were so so disrespectful 33. i’m poppy - poppy Welcome to the new world, I'm your internet girl Open up and you'll see, everyone is happy I like your technology, can you put it on me? The future is so pretty, we're living in harmony 34. idola no circus - neru Come, let’s dance all night in our naked bodies We know, we know your true nature Again putting on a fake face, You’re just like a pierrot ! It’s time to put a mask, a mask On your unsociable faced 35. shine - casey lee williams But baby, it's time to make up your mind I think that tonight is when our stars align Honey, it's time to leave the doubt behind Take my hand 'cause you and I are gonna shine 36. one thing - casey lee williams I was nowhere, I had no one, I felt nothing Lost without a voice and on my own Then a candle's flame brought a brand new name But now you've stolen everything And I'm all alone 37. sweetest cure - hugo What the hell am I s'posed to be Choose a world over me Sitting pretty in my mess On the phone I can't confess Word's out somehow You're the sweetest cure I never got to tell you 38. bang bang bang bang - sohodolls Teacher says that I've been naughty I must learn to concentrate But the girls they pull my hair And with the boys I can't relate Daddy says I'm good for nothing Mama says that it's from him Manic sister thinks I'm cracking Brother says it's in my genes 39. helpless - phillipa soo One week later I'm writin' a letter nightly Now my life gets better Every letter that you write me I'm helpless! He's mine, that boy is mine! Look into your eyes And the sky's the limit, I'm Helpless! Helpless! Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em 40. lifeboat - laurence o’ keefe Everyone's pushing Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching There's nowhere to hide If I say the wrong thing Or I wear the wrong outfit They'll throw me right over the side 41. chase the morning - sarah brightman In you is a world of promise We have both been kept in bondage But you can learn from all my failures Let your life be your dream Integrity, honesty, its too late for me Don't look back till your free to chase the morning 42. no reason - leslie kritzer Everything, everything happens for a reason Be a beacon of light in the world Put a little "alright" in the world There are spiritual guides above Look up and see 'em Perception is reality Just listen to the melody the universe sings 'Cause everything, everything happens for a reason 43. i love play rehearsal - stephanie hsu I love play rehearsal 'Cause you are equiped with directions and text Life is easy in rehearsal You follow a script so you know what comes next Anywho, the point that I'm getting to Is sometimes life can't work out in the way It works out in the play 44. your song - elton john And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world 45. the party goes with you - lindsay mendez And when we're dancing nose to nose Darling do you suppose, darling do you suppose This party could be just us two, and I your wife? Oh, oh, the gayest party, sad but true It's true The party goes with you The party goes with you 46. half jack - dresden dolls It's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back I'm half Jill and half Jack 47. the secret - pierces Got a secret Can you keep it? Swear, this one you'll save Better lock it in your pocket Takin' this one to the grave If I show you, then I know you Won't tell what I said 'Cause two can keep a secret If one of them is dead 48.  connect - claris My heart awakes in order to depict the future Even if I come to a halt on a tough road The beautiful blue sky always waits for me Therefore I'm not afraid I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens 49. simple and clean - hikaru utada Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning Is a little later on Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all Nothing's like before 50. mountains - message to bears  And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say