#because he kept prioritizing his friend and the “bigger picture”

[ponpox]

She had to go through so much even before the crash... The amount of mental and physical torment... She didn't deserve any of this

[meraki-yao]

The thing is that with these two interviews, the whole goal of the journalists was to set Nick as a heartthrob and that's it. To them, there's no more depth than that. For this press tour, I've preferred to watch him talk instead because he can fully express everything. You can see how his mind works, the way he respects his craft (because he takes himself and his job seriously, as he should), and you can see his personality shine more: the nervous, anxious, charming guy who loves what he does and understands his characters to the core.

When it comes to these interviews, the tone was, "He's a pretty face with some gigs under his belt." For instance, the NYM interview had a lot of filler information that wasn't completely relevant to the conversation but was kept because the underlining topic was, "Well, he's transitioning from some small movies to bigger projects, and some of these movies are queer and he's not. Gee, I wonder!" This is not that different from the Hunger interview, but this one was more shameful because it went full-on disrespectful to RWRB and Nick.

I've read a couple of people asking why Nick or his publicist didn't edit the articles before publishing, and the short answer is that they can't. Journalists don't like when publicists or their clients ask for changes in their stories. If they do, it can cause problems between the journalist and the PR firm, and the relationship can even break. And publicists don't want that—they have more clients, and they need those platforms. Not even bigger A-list actors can do that without being considered "problematic." And, most importantly, they don't read the articles before publishing. They probably didn't know what was kept. They most likely found out like the rest of us. But everyone's focusing on the photoshoots, so maybe that's why there are not many people talking about these things, but there are.

I think the US press it's a mess; they love to feel better than the subject they're interviewing, and they don't shy away from disrespecting people, directly or indirectly. I also brought this up to one anon question (I'm the ☁️ anon), and this basically supports my theory that it doesn't matter if Nick's projects are doing well, if he's finally being acknowledged, they will see him as an Internet boyfriend. That's why the focus was on his personal life or anything else that was interesting or quirky, not really on the projects and the work behind his character study.

It's not Nick's or even his publicist's fault. I think it's the result of prioritizing social media discourse and language into a different medium instead of focusing on writing a profile or a story.

I'm late, but this is in regards to Nick's NY Magazine editorial and Hunger Magazine editorial.

And I mostly agree! I mean, I furiously picked apart the two articles with my Taiwanese RWRB friend, but from a bigger picture this explains it really well. Thank you.

And I really think that it's unfortunate that so often, either from the creator or the audience, people are more interested in social media discourse than anything else with actual value. It's not just the US press, it's kind of the whole world in general right now. I ranted my family about this and used what happened to Princess Catherine (Middleton, not Henry's mother) lately as an example, and I was... very passionate in the ramble.

[iconicname]

The same goes for anya x curly too it may seem cute, but curly was essentially a boy mom with Jimmy as the "boy." Honestly, I think at most anya and curly could be tentatively reconciled friends post fix-it ending or whatever which would take a lot of work on curly's part and giving a lot of forgiveness (If shes willing ofc) on anya's part.

obviously, do what you want i could literally not care less what yall do i just wish fandoms were less shipping-oriented sometimes :/

weird accidental character analysis/rant below

Look, I too, am not immune to the 'oh, curly's kinda cute' thing people have going on. I get it, but I don't want to be blinded by it.

I think people forget that pre-crash curly was a miserable and incompetent guy who stuck around and kept jimmy around for a reason, (while yeah the birthday scene made it clear that he's a nice enough person that pre-crash crew generally had a good opinion of him and he may seem better when side by side with someone like jimmy but that man is nowhere near the picture of a "well-rounded man)

The reason doesn't have to be deliberate or anything like that, it could be that Curly silently never grew out of the dismissal of SA/the female experience mentality which allowed someone like Jimmy to be his close friend for so long. or, in his own words he preferred looking at the bigger picture but because he was so focused on Jimmy's wellbeing (y'know immediately rushing to fucking Jimmy to assure him that everything was going to be okay after ANYA confessed to being pregnant and said that she fears jimmy enough to hide a gun from him that if it were not for the fact that curly would not allow it she would have used to the gun to protect herself. in that scene, it clearly shows that Curly prioritized Jimmy's well-being but also his feelings over Anya's even if if he didn't realize it. to Curly Jimmy was the bigger picture.

Jimmy is clearly not above abusing people he considers his "friends" especially someone who was catering to him to that degree, i.e the birthday cake scene ("both" of them) and the multiple medicine-taking scenes, etc so over the years of knowing jimmy, Curly could have subconsciously internalized Jimmy's sexist way of thinking, as to not create conflict (which is not an excuse) plus someone who may not be happy might cling to the people and disregard red flags in fear of isolation/losing something they consider positive (still not an excuse).

I don't think Curly didn't care for Anya or the rest of the crew, for that matter, but because he focused on catering to Jimmy, he hurt the people Jimmy hurt.

I like to think that Anya and Curly were very similar early days post-crash not just in the "victim to the same piece of shit" kind of way but that they both had the "thinking the best of bad people out of a sense of self-preservation". One of Anya's iconic phrases "Our worst moments don't make us monsters", I like to think that's in character for Curly to adopt that phrase as well for jimmy out of some hopeful delusion and or lasting affection for Jimmy (plus he was definitely delirious and in pain 24/7 mans not going to thinking clearly), especially since Anya and Curly were often together post-crash. but when Anya reaches her breaking point and ends her life it's Curly's breaking point too because it finally fully clicked how horrible Jimmy really was, as a co-worker, friend, and person. and that's why when Jimmy unlocked the gun case, we got the chilling, sardonic, and scorful laugh.

Ya'll have got to stop shipping Curly with Jimmy. That man is a rapist. He doesn't deserve the Yaoi fantasies.

[thesparringpanther]

One thing I can never figure out is why even a paranoid-ridden Ironwood would dedicate a secret hospital wing to keeping Fria alive. It's not like Fria's health took a turn for the worst after the Fall, Fria's been knocking on death's door for a long time now if Qrow jokes about it and Winter's 8 year career led up to becoming the Maiden. And it's not like Ironwood is above this either, Ironwood has always been a "The ends justify the means" character. He comes up with the options that no one else wants to voice and doesn't care. He even has a whole song dedicated to how much he doesn't care about people reacting to his morally dubious plans. So, if any character would have euthanized Fria, or at the very least zapped her powers away so the only thing keeping his Kingdom from being a giant crater isn't an old woman on life support, it'd be him and only him.

And that is not even counting the last time they kept a Maiden on life support Salem's forces attacked, took the power, and trashed the Kingdom on the way out.

What I'm rambling about is that for some reason Ironwood holds Fria in deep regards.

Ironwood is a contradiction. He wars with his humanity, believing and wanting to be emotionless in the name of efficiency while also pulling a complete 180 and will go above and beyond to protect his friends.

Let's look at Ironwood's job. He's the first, and hopefully, last, person in Remnant to hold a majority of the power on his Council.

But contrary as to what the show portrays, the General seat and the Headmaster seats are not the same seat. He would have had to either have been a Headmaster promoted to the General or vice versa.

Considering all the values Ironwood holds dear in his heart, the same values Qrow lambasts in World of Remnant, it's the latter.

Headmasters are either assumed by the Vice Headmaster if the current Headmaster dies (Glynda) or elected independently of their council's input, likely by the other Headmasters (Lionheart). Makes sense, considering they need to be briefed on the whole magic WMD in their basements thing, it's best that the common people don't vote others into this position.

Now, Ozpin detests the usage of armies and fleets. He knows it just causes more unrest and easier for Salem to manipulate, so Ironwood would have been on the bottom of his Atlas Headmaster list.

So I propose that Fria was the one that recommended/brought Ironwood into the Ozluminati. She saw something in him and trusted him to become a part of the bigger picture. And through that Ironwood earned the trust of Ozpin, enough for when the time came around it was easier to trust Ironwood as the Headmaster of Atlas and the Keeper of the Staff than getting another guy to do so.

And because of this that I think General Jimmy "Emotions Are Worthless" Ironwood prioritized Fria's comfort and was only willing to pull the plug when everything else failed.

Cuz if there's one thing Ironwood values, it's people believing in him.

[gffa]

#SOLAD SPOILERS and #SOLAD REPLIES if you want to either avoid spoilers or avoid the salt!  I would also encourage everyone to read the story for themselves, because people are going to see things differently, going to register things differently, and everyone should judge for themselves! Continuing the discussion from this post and this post @duchess-of-mandalore replied:

Thanks for clarifying this. I totally agree with this. The thing is, I don’t see it as “prioritizing the romantic relationship” as much as just … forgetting that other moments of rage already existed (I mentioned before that the author feels like a casual fan, and I’m sticking by that).

I think the author felt that because he chose to view Obi-Wan’s rage through The Lawless (which probably seemed like an attractive choice, given that it’s the highest rated episode short of The Siege of Mandalore), he had to keep the story about The Lawless (also, when you have to get through the whole episode and you only have 30 pages, I get that there’s a lot that needs to get glossed over).

But you can’t just pick one episode and examine it within the a vacuum.

Because you’re absolutely right. I’m a diehard Obitine shipper, but the author did not convince me at all that this is the first time Obi-Wan has felt rage. Far from it. There should have been much more about Qui-Gon (where Obi-Wan’s reaction feels much more rage-filled to me), and definitely more reflection on Maul, especially his taunting of Obi-Wan.

We’re obviously in agreement that this episode does not show rage. It shows grief. And so unfortunately, whether you’re an Obitine shipper or not, I don’t have much positive to say about this story, because it feels like a complete misrepresentation of this episode and the character of Obi-Wan Kenobi (in regards to his past, and how he’s feeling at this point in time), in a way that makes me wonder how it came to print in this current status.

It’s interesting how we interpret the amount of romance in this story, because I felt like it was very obvious that it was a romantic relationship, that Obi-Wan may have called her a “friend”, but also he repeats the line of how he would have left the Jedi Order for her, and I don’t think you can divorce that scene--or the entire Obitine relationship, honestly--from being a romantic one.  So, whatever they do with it, however it’s described, it’s very obviously meant as a romantic one, for me.  (Though, I can see how you feel it was the most aromantic version of their relationship yet and found it dissatisfying and I hear you on that.) Further, what frustrated me about the story was that it’s still a) fridging Satine for Obi-Wan’s manpain (not the fault of the story, that was already in TCW, but it’s important because--) b) not really Satine’s story.  I have two problems with this, in that it prioritized this relationship over Obi-Wan’s relationship with Qui-Gon, despite that Obi-Wan absolutely had dealt with rage before--in TPM!  In this anthology in the Maul story!, that even Anakin’s scene felt like it was half there just to put us in the frame of mind of comparing Obitine and Anidala. I found this frustrating because Satine deserves a story that’s hers.  Not Obi-Wan thinking about how she wore certain colors or flowers to remind Mandalore of what they could one day be again.  That’s a lovely sentiment, but give it to me from Satine, not from Obi-Wan.  And I found it frustrating because I don’t buy for one second that Obi-Wan didn’t understand why he couldn’t Leeroy Jenkins his way onto Mandalore and that he would be bitter about it.  Obi-Wan has always understood the politics and how and when to get around them, for him to throw that out the window felt like, oh, well, of course, because it’s Satine.  The romantic relationship.  But it’s also coming on the heels of using his relationship with Anakin to be about Obitine vs Anidala, it’s coming on the heels of swiping aside Obi-Wan’s using the dark side/anger in both fights with Maul because of Qui-Gon. It comes with the context of the description of how--in the moments I’ve giffed above--that Obi-Wan was feeling a rage so powerful that he would raze everything to the ground for it, because Satine died, and what brings him back?  Not his Jedi values that he lives his entire life by, but that Satine wouldn’t want him to.  I don’t buy for one second that Obi-Wan wouldn’t pull himself back because he lives by the principles his Order has taught him. lacependragon said: 

I can’t with long words or descriptions but I bought this ebook just to read this story to keep up on this conversation and jfc I have never been so disappointed. I know 12 year old boys who understand Obi’s character better than this.

I get that sometimes people just have different interpretations of characters and I realize we all get invested in our views of them, as well as I feel like a lot of the elements of this story are close.  Like, I was so intrigued by the idea of Obi-Wan struggling with the dark side!  Because the dark side isn’t just anger, it’s also fear and sorrow and suffering!  It would have been SO EASY to explore those things, because they’re written all over his face! Further, it ignores so much of the bigger context of Obi-Wan’s character, like just how important those other relationships are and how they’ve shaped him.  Understands anger in a new way?  Different from his anger at Qui-Gon’s death?  Because, yes, he was sorrowful after he’d cut Maul in half, but when he did that?  He was FURIOUS, it was right there on his face, too. thebiscuiteternal said: 

Excuse me? Obi-Wan, who paced and *snarled* at Maul behind the energy gates after Qui-Gon was impaled? *That* Obi-Wan had never felt rage towards Maul until he killed Satine? Oh, fuck this story.

I KNOW, RIGHT?  I’m not even the biggest defender of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon’s relationship (though, of course it’s important) but the sheer DISRESPECT of saying that Obi-Wan understood anger in a new way after Satine died in pretty much THE EXACT SAME MANNER as Qui-Gon! And @watsonerr says something I’ve been struggling to articulate well on this reply:

Another thing I didn’t agree with was how Obi-Wan kept being angry at the council, considering how he not only is not the type to ignore the bigger picture, but also how he knows well that sending republic troops there to free everyone would be extremly risky, especially that they were at war and the republic and Mandalore had a treaty. Exactly why I’ll stick with the deleted scene from The Lawless in which he says “The policies of the jedi and the chancellor often don’t meet eye to eye these days.” But at the same time, I also think it was probably meant to be this way, because Obi-Wan was emotional and had a clouded judgement the whole chapter for obvious reasons, and he fell right into Maul’s trap. And that’s a nice parallel to Obi-Wan’s attitude in Old Friends Not Forgotten, where he knew better than to let emotions cloud his judgement.

I’d be more forgiving if the final ending weren’t, “I understand anger in a way I never have before.” which makes it seem like Obi-Wan’s anger at the council was objective and not part of him falling into the trap of attachment.  I’m still not sure I could buy bitterness from him or the lack of understanding the political ramifications, but I’d at least be able to sort of see it. I mean, this is what he says in that same story:  “Few in the bustling hangar took notice of Obi-Wan as he approached his Eta-2 Actis-class interceptor. Things would be different on Mandalore. The presence of a Jedi on a planet struggling to remain neutral in the war between the Republic and the Separatists would do more than attract attention. It might be considered an act of aggression. It might lead to further violence—more death.” This is his way of convincing Anakin not to come along:  ““The presence of one Jedi on Mandalore will be hard enough to conceal. Two Jedi will be impossible. You’d put the mission at risk. And Satine.”” Yet there’s no acknowledgement of that when he thinks about why they won’t agree to send him?  I don’t buy that from Obi-Wan Kenobi, even if he would ultimately disagree with them. Overall, we’re definitely making mountains out of molehills with this, it’s really not that big of a deal, both in terms of IT’S JUST A MADE UP SPACE WOO STORY and that it’s not as heinous as it might sound from the conversation.  I’ll reread it in a few days and maybe it’ll come across better for me, I could easily see that happening!  As well as I’m sure there are going to be plenty of people who see it as perfectly in character for Obi-Wan! BUT WHAT WOULD THIS HELLSITE BE IF NOT FOR RIDICULOUS NERDING OUT?  THAT’S WHAT TUMBLR IS FOR.   😂

[purplerose244]

Irrational - Chapter 7: Our world

There it is, the final chapter of my collection for the @spacecampweek!

It was really fun working on these prompts and I love writing about my math dorks! Thank you all for reading and for all the people who made material for this week, your work is amazing!! 

For this free day the fic is inspired by the FaeAU created by @akozuheiwa! 🥰 Seamus and Steve are human princes and brothers, Aja and Krel are also loyalty but fae, the two races are at war at each other while love blossoms in between 💕💕 Jim is a chef assistant and Douxie is a human with magic that was taken in by the fae when he was abandoned as a child.

Here’s ako’s beautiful fanart about it! 😍😍 This is a Space Camp of course, with Aja/Jim/Steve along with it! It got pretty long... I had fun! 😂

Enjoy!! 💙💙💙

Summary: Humans and fae had been at war since forever, they hated each other, it was a fact. Yet his love, their love alone made reality extremely questionable, to the point Seamus didn't feel guilty about his choice anymore. He wasn't going to be miserable for eternity. Today, he was going to get his own happiness.

Read it on the AO3

His lungs were on fire, he had never run this much in his entire life. The forest seemed to be getting bigger around him, it widened his horizon, it blocked his feet from proceeding. It seemed to be doing everything in order to prevent him to go forward. His boots were dripping with dirt, the adherence was far beyond compromised at this point, it was a miracle that he hadn’t slipped a single time. Powerful voices were behind his back, getting further and further away. Swords meeting, shouts of war, everything turning into a mess of fire and hate because of him.

Only because his heart wanted to believe in this, in him, in them. Seamus would have been a liar if he had said the thought that this was a mistake hadn’t crossed his mind. Despite everything, despite honor and regret and all in between, there was only a desire of piece into his mind.

That possibility of joy resided only across that border.

Gosh, he had been there a million times now, but the trip had never felt longer. It stretched to infinity into his mind, between all that he was leaving behind and all the people he was never going to see again. He couldn’t shake away Steve’s strained smile for a single moment, as he gestured him to move forward while he dealt with their father’s guards. His own brother had given him the chance to escape, despite all the consequences coming along with it. This kingdom was ruled by a merciless ruler, that knew of power and greatness but not of people and kindness. The two of them had been born into this place, taught to always prioritize the bigger picture as in the outcome was always going to make up for the losses. It had occurred time later, too much time later perhaps, that an uncaring soul made sacrifices so much easier.

This was the proof. The fact that prince Seamus was being chased by the same soldiers that for years had been by his side, providing his protection and safety for his empire to come, showed just the level of hypocrisy of this world, where the moment someone was to do differently it was like calling upon himself a death wish.

His boot caught a massive root, the blonde tripped over mud, feeling it between his fingers. He gritted his teeth, struggling to get up, almost slipping again then proceeding.

Faster, faster, the border was still far.

He needed to get there. He needed to get to him, he-

His own scream was faster than the pain. His body couldn’t take it, after a life freed from physical pain and suffering. He was weak. His breath caught up when he found himself face into the ground again, his leg pulsing like mad. Steps were getting closer, fast and agile, and it filled his heart with dread. Seamus looked, up, recognizing immediately crest of the mole of this kingdom, granted only to the royal soldiers of the guard. It hurt madly that it belonged to a friend.

“L-Logan…” The archer narrowed his eyes, another arrow prepared. Despite the look of a warrior, his forehead was dripping with sweat. He wasn’t completely gone yet, Seamus had to believe that. “P-please, don’t do this to me! You know what he will do to me!”

Logan pressed his lips together, his hold clenching around his weapon.

“You called this upon yourself, you know that.”

“You don’t understand!”

“You’re right, I don’t. Because you were supposed to become king after him and make things better.” His voice was overflowing with bitterness. “You were supposed to solve everything!”

“I thought so too, then I realized it… I won’t be the one to make the difference.”

“Why are you saying this??” Tears were born on him, as they had been held back until now. “We used to dream about that, thinking that as soon as you were to take the throne, everything was going to turn out for the better! You are older than Steve, it was the natural course! You were going to help the kingdom, you were going to help me and my mother! But that was a lie, wasn’t it??” He closed his eyes, drops falling through his cheeks. “The king told me about your escape, how you are going to give out info to save your own skin so the fae will have mercy on your soul! You’ve gone too far, and as a soldier and a friend… I have to stop you.”

Seamus gritted his teeth, slowly lowering his eyes onto the wound. The arrow hadn’t gone deep, it had most likely struck a sensible point. Logan had been practicing his aim for years, stating that he could do a lot even when no one was looking, even when no one cared. If someone else had given him the entire speech his father had been poisoning the realm with, the blonde would have not cared.

This was not the case, so he grabbed the arrow and extracted before he could think of not doing it, letting out a strangled noise. The archer’s eyes widened. Seamus glared.

“What info would I give to the fae? That we are at war with each other? They know.” It hurt madly, but not as much as realizing that his friend had been turned against him because of his dad. Again. “They have their own problems, the only thing we have in common seems to be the awful monarchy currently in control, and you are the proof. At least I know Steve is still as stubborn as ever and has people that cares about him, enough not to let him make mistakes.”

The archer kept staring at him, as if he didn’t know him anymore, as they had been knowing each other of years without actually knowing a thing. Maybe that was true.

“You… you’re lying. You’re a prince, you hold informatio-”

“If I was any other person they would kill me at sight, you idiot!” His ankle was bleeding, he pressed his arm against it. Seeing his immaculate white sleeve turning red made him feel sick, and oddly relieved as well. “I am not going directly to them, I am not that stupid! I have no fighting experience, I am no diplomat, how would I even face them to be a snitch anyway? I am not betraying, I am running away!” Oh. Wow. He had never felt this good at screaming before. He was really going for it, he was escaping this cursed world.

Logan was agape, staring at him like he had passed away in front of him. His hands were trembling, the weapon was lowered slowly. A frown arrived, a welcomed one, because it always meant that he was thinking. At last, his friend was actually thinking.

“… that’s not what your father said.” Ah, he stopped calling him king. Good sign.

“You’re surprised that he can lie?” Seamus sighed, gritting his teeth at the burning of the wound. “I’m going to a secret place, protected by pixies. It is still at the board, but I will not betray.”

“But… why? Why are you running away?” He got closer to him, kneeling, taking out a cloth of some sort. He wrapped it around his wound, something he probably had experience with Steve. “I know that he’s very hard on you, in a way that wouldn’t be allowed if he wasn’t this powerful, but you’ve always put up with it. No matter how much it hurt.” He wasn’t that lost then. “Perhaps not in the name of your future, but you still kept yourself together for years. Why is it different now?” This, this was the perfect question.

With his pulsing leg, with his father’s guards on his traces to bring him back to that prison, with one of his oldest friend questioning him, Seamus smiled.

“I didn’t think there was a better choice. Something better… someone better.”

The forest was shaken by a blow of wind. Logan was staring at him in disbelief. For a moment, it almost felt like they were back in the gardens of the castle, laying down, blabbering about secrets and the future. The smile that appeared onto his friend was just like back then.

“Smart choice, as expected.” He put a hand over his bandaged wound. “… I’m sorry.”

Perhaps this world hadn’t taken away everything from him yet.

Then, when that minuscule moment of silence cleared up between them, the gallop of a horse grew steadily close. Seamus’ blood turned cold. The heavy, intimidating march of that mount, he would have recognized it everywhere. Bred for battle… no, bred in order to instill fear into the opponent, the realization that there was nowhere to run. The end had been determined the moment that march had stopped. Seamus had always been on the other side of that sword, assisting by his father’s side terrorized out of his mind but comforted by his own loyalty to the winning kingdom. How many years he had stalled this moment, knowing that he was only human and could only take this much? It was such a meaningless thought right now, as the horse finished his march right there.

His father got off, the thud reverberated. He was in full armor, that fancy suit as to appear mightier and better than anyone else. Those piercing blue eyes that Seamus had inherited were deadly and merciless, even more than usual, as they fell onto his offspring.

An exasperated sight left his throat.

“I wish I could say I am surprised by your behavior, son. Alas, I knew you were not meant for greatness, not you nor your brother. I cannot believe my own blood is such a disappointment!” He unsheathed the sword in a lazy gesture, almost as he didn’t have time to deal with this mess. With him. Like that was new. “Prince Seamus, you have been declared to be a traitor for the realm of Arcadia. You will be sentenced tomorrow at dawn. Guard Logan, bring him here.”

“No.”

Wow, if Seamus hadn’t been this scared for his life, he would have laughed out loud at his father’s shocked expression. Someone finally denying him something to his face, priceless.

“What?” And dangerous, so very dangerous. The archer glared.

“You lied to me, you told me the prince was a traitor but he did nothing of the sort! This was all in order to get rid of him, was it not??” He sounded so angry, furious: the carefree soldier that liked to flirt with the staff of the castle just to make them smile was unrecognizable right now. His father wasn’t moving. It felt even more terrifying. “I will not turn against him again, my loyalty resides in him and his brother. Consider me a traitor instead, ‘your highness’, because if you attack Seamus then I am your enemy.” He immediately took one of his arrows, pointing it.

Seamus couldn’t look away. Nothing but pride was filling his heart, hope and joy at seeing that there were more loyal people than he thought. Yet this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, he was the one risking everything, he and Steve for what they wanted. Not him, not their friend.

The king huffed, raising his sword.

“I will not judge such a will to die. Prepare yourself!”

“I always am. Stay behind him, Seamus.” He knew he couldn’t win at all, but he was there to do everything in order to help him out. He had never been more grateful for it. “Seamus, what are you…?” For this exact reason, he couldn’t do anything else.

The blonde smiled at him, a hand on his shoulder, focusing on the image of the castle.

“Thank you… and sorry.” Logan didn’t have time to scream before he disappeared.

Right after that, in the usual blue smoke that always came with his spells, Seamus found himself with his hands in the mud for the third time. This was bad, the teleportation had been more draining than he had thought. He was insanely proud of actually performing it right, hoping only that Logan was going to be rightfully teleported into the castle and not on a tree or something. He had never had this much control over his powers, Douxie’s lessons had definitely helped. Knowing his own value, his goal, and the people he really cared about and cared about him back was a huge motivation as well.

Once again, seeing his father this baffled, out of control, would have been his biggest satisfaction if only he wasn’t there to fight for his life and for his happiness. When the mystical smoke cleared up, an expression of pure horror contorted his grumpy face.

“You dare use magic?! You freak! How dare you bring such shame to our family! I will not associate with one of your kind, not now, not ever! You’re a disgrace!!”

Seamus actually snorted, stretching his arms. He had a bit energy left. It was going to have to do.

“You do know I’m not five anymore, right? I stopped caring about your approval ages ago.”

“You dare try to act tough in my presence?”

“I don’t have to show you anything. You know, I used to think my powers were actually something to be ashamed of, something that was going to get me killed.” He closed his eyes for a moment. The forest was chanting in a low tune, it was nothing like the side where the fae resided. There everything was overflowing with energy and life. “It turned out, keeping my real self hidden, that was what was really killing me, so slowly I didn’t even realize it.” He looked up, his father was still holding the sword in that mighty way that was only meant as a show. What a fool, Seamus knew that he had never struck a foe in his entire life. He was a commander, he was of big built and that helped, but he was no warrior. Just like himself. “So today… today I come to life, at last.”

He must had taken a bit of his brother’s love for dramatic speeches, he was the one who always did that whenever he had to train. It was also a great way to gain some time, while magic operated by tying around his father’s boots. It was petty, it was extremely childish, and Steve would have been so proud of him… hoping he was going to come out of this unscathed.

His father roared at him, trying to charge. With that, he was falling, making this the highlight of Seamus’ life. The might rock that was this man, the highest place he had aspired to be at for the longest time, was falling down into the mud.

The blonde turned away right in that moment, running, forcing his bad leg.

“SEAMUS!!!” His father’s thundering voice echoed through the entire forest.

When he was a child, his mother used to read him stories. It was around the time where Seamus had chosen knowledge while Steve had picked up a sword, drastically changing how their father wanted them to be raised as. Their education had become different, the time spent together as well, almost as they belonged to two different worlds. Their mother had been the reason why they had never drifted apart. Her books were about heroes, knights, princes and princesses, legends and history all mixed together until they disappeared. The most beautiful ones where the one with long descriptions, because his mother had the loveliest voice, calm and peaceful, that had the power to materialize the place into his mind and into his heart.

Perhaps before jumping into this risky decision Seamus would have liked to ask her, if she was the reason why he had never been like other humans, why he could feel magic while others couldn’t. Despite that doubt forever into his mind, all he could think right now was how much he wanted to tell her about this freedom, this feeling of determination. How running wildly like this felt like he was part of those stories, part of his own at last.

As the forest opened up a little more around him, and he pushed his leg to the limit while it was screaming in agony, he noticed the little details. The edges of the leaves, the shades onto the trunks, the blades of grass, they were all turning slightly blue. The feeling around was changing too.

“When the forest will start to turn into the color of the sky, you will know you are close.”

“If you have no ill intent as I know, the Glade will let you in.”

“We will meet there so please, make it out alive. Please.”

Seamus smiled, his eyes pinching. He could make it. He was going to make it.

Then it came, again the devastating galloping behind his back. His body froze, for two seconds, then he was turning around with his hands out. He didn’t have enough magic to fully defend himself now, he had started to learn new tricks quite late according to Douxie. He wanted to learn more, he was going to learn a lot more. He forced his concentration and his hands caught fire. It was flickering, he was gritting his teeth like mad to keep it lightened. As soon as the face of the animal appeared, running like mad towards him, he threw both hits towards its legs. The house neighed painfully, arching its back and then falling onto the ground.

His father had his hand raised before that, a moment before he was to fall from the horse. Seamus screamed again, whimpering with anger as he caught sight of the dagger into his side. It had his crest on it, carved along the handle, almost as a reminder that he was never going to forget that pain, this feeling of inferiority coming from his own family. His frustration wanted to take it out, his rationality blocked him right on time.

He held himself up, as his father was doing the same with eyes bloodshot.

“You will not escape me, you hear me?? You are a freak, a dark spot on my family’s honor, and I will not let you leave for anyone else to know!!” He was holding the sword like he wanted to beat him up with it, he really had never followed a proper formation. He wanted to make others fear him, but his superiority made him feel like he was beyond peasants’ training.

Seamus wasn’t surprised. He was frustrated, mad, because he was so close and he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. He couldn’t give up now, no, never.

He took the deepest breath. Nature was still by his side. He smiled.

“Scared than I might actually be a threat?”

“I knew you were a mistake, I knew you were nothing but a nuisance!”

“Oh spare me that, you never needed a reason to despise me, it had always come awfully naturally to you! At least I didn’t go through the same punishments Steve had during his own training, something you never even went through yourself.” He was most likely worsening his situation, but he didn’t care anymore. He had lived a life being as careful as possible trying not to anger him, because he thought that there was never going to be anything worse than not have his approval. It turned out there never was in the first place. “You want to kill me? Try. I will not go down easy.”

His father was breathing heavily, his nostrils were wide and fuming. His entire face was red, his sword was shaking into his sword out of madness alone. He was the embodiment of his worst nightmares from when he was a kid. Now, all his thoughts were on those beautiful blue eyes popping out of the dark, his arrogant laugh from whenever he was right.

Seamus raised his hand. No branch came up. He fought back the tears because he didn’t want this, he wasn’t going to end it like this. He had never wanted something this badly before.

The king started to march towards him. Every step felt like the tick of a clock.

This wasn’t the end.

This couldn’t be the end.

“You are not getting out of his forest alive. You are not strong enough to defeat me.” He was right, but Seamus was never going to admit it. He tightened his fists, hoping, praying that he could do something. The familiar feeling of hopelessness was starting to burn from his stomach. “I will erase you, just like I will erase every single scam that contaminates this realm! And as soon as it will be done, we will finally take over the rest of the kingdom from those dirty fae!!” This man was the real illness, the poison that was making the entire realm sick to its roots. He wished he didn’t care only to hope he was going to implode with his own sick ideals, but that wasn’t reality. He was going to bring everything with him. Seamus couldn’t stop him. “I have been waiting my entire life for it, and if you think you can stop me then- What is this?!?”

Oh. Would you look at that.

The prince wished that, at this critical moment, he was to acquire some superior magical powers in order to defeat this man once and for all. It would have definitely made up for all of his frustration, plus telling this tale would have been nicer. Alas, this was his story but not a legend, it would have not been fair, especially for such an inexperienced wizard like him. Then again, he didn’t have to be the main hero of the situation. He could take being a supporting character.

One that knew extremely well about that instrument that was playing in the air, carved from the fallen horn of a dragon and enchanted by Douxie himself, so that whenever a certain brother of his was in need of help it was going to be heard from everyone, everywhere. That meant that he was okay. That meant that Logan was okay and had warned him just in time.

Seamus immediately grinned, feeling a huge weight falling down, while the king was looking around, even more fuming and even more confused.

“You know, I might not be able to stop you, so why don’t you take someone your own size? Or maybe…” Her timing was impeccable as always. The Queen-in-waiting of the fae arrived diving in between the crowns of the trees and struck her hit right as he was talking, disarming the clueless human. “… way stronger?” Her blonde hair was flowing into the wind, her blue armor was so shining it reflected nature itself. The king backed away, eyes falling onto the sword now on the ground, then onto his new opponent.

Aja landed in front of the prince, her rapier sharp and ready, her eyes completely focused.

“If that is the request, you have found your foe, your highness.” She looked definitely pissed, which was to be expected since Steve had only ever used the horn in dead or alive situations. Her intentions were probably to finish with him and move forward to her beloveds. “Although do not be mistaken, this is not a fight you are able to win. Perhaps you untrained and arrogant human might be able to take on a wizard while hurt and lacking energy to defend himself,” No filter, like everyone in her family. “But I have trained since I have memory in order to protect those I care about. My strength, my motivation, my ability, you are nothing in comparison.” Her determination was shining through. It made every single word count.

The king stumbled onto the ground to retrieve his sword, but from his eyes it was clear that he also knew what was going to happen to him. As soon as he was up, he ran towards his horse, still down lowly lamenting, and grabbed something from his bag.

Another horn. His face contorted into a horrific smile.

“You think you are the only one that can call help?? I will not lose to a lowlife like a fae, not with an army by my side!” He blew in, Seamus held his breath… nothing came out. “What-”

“You found my present, your majesty!” Perhaps he didn’t have as much of a joyful reaction as Aja at hearing that voice, but it definitely made him smile. “Since you’ve been throwing away all my freshly made bread for years because it’s hard or something, I thought that maybe I could throw away all my sourdough in the first place. I hope you’re proud.” Especially since, as soon as the chef assistant Jim appeared from the woods, he was bringing along his brother, while holding an arm around his neck for support. “The useless stick together I guess?”

Steve was red from laughing, shaking his head.

“This was so petty, I taught you well!” He kissed him on the cheek, making him blush very vividly, then he turned to their father. “Can’t call your friends for dinner? Too bad, dad!”

He was okay. He was snappy, cocky, and arrogant. His brother was okay.

It took maybe two seconds for Aja to let out a joyful scream, take flight and immediately launch herself over the two, managing to hug them without tackling them. Steve snickered even louder without moving, his arm wasn’t probably at its best right now. Jim grinned widely, placing his free hand over her back, whispering something that made her giggle even more. Seamus didn’t dare to move, not to tempt his bad leg, not to ruin a moment that was definitely not his. As soon as he crossed his brother’s brown eyes and got the biggest smile, he knew that it was fine. The both of them, they were going to be fine.

The king was roaring like an animal, pushing his fingers inside the horn to free it from the sticky substance. He backed away, staring with disgust at the three of them. Aja was immediately in front of her beloveds, rapier out, daring him with the eyes.

“You are not going to win, human king. Surrender if you may.”

“Never! My guards will arrive anyway, it is only a matter of time!”

“They’ll find a sad old man on his own butt after being beaten up, then.” Steve snickered, turning to Seamus. “What are you waiting for, an invitation? Go get him, come on!”

Ah, that was why it hadn’t felt real before, their goodbye at the castle.

“Steve…”

“I’m not kidding Seam, come on.” Despite his conditions he extracted his sword, pointing it at his own dad while Jim was relentlessly supporting his weight. “I found my own happiness, all the good stuff mom always told us about. Time for you to do the same.” They had talked about this, that they could had gone together, as brothers. But unlike Seamus, Steve had more to hold on to, he had Jim and his life, and Aja was ready to fight alongside him.

He really found a nice place to be in. Seamus nodded, looking at the fae and the assistant chef.

“Look after him. He can be a lot.” A murmured ‘Look who’s talking’ made him laugh. Jim nodded vividly, keeping himself up like an actual warrior.

“He’s worth all of it. Have a good life, my prince.

“Of course, until the very end.” Aja smiled at him. “And you… make him happy.”

That was a promise. Seamus started to run right there, trying to make as much distance as he could from himself and that place. One last peak made him see his father one last time, red and fuming like a baby, the armor dirty and covered in dirt and mud, with his fingers covered in sourdough. This wasn’t an honorable man, this was barely a man to begin with. His entire mind was contorted and was probably never going to come back to his senses. The prince didn’t care anymore, and it was the best he had ever felt in his entire life.

The forest widened some more in front of him, this time he knew he wasn’t far. When a different horn was played in the air his breath hitched, that prank was of course only gonna get them so far. He knew they were going to do it though. Aja wanted to unify their kingdoms, she wanted to do what Seamus’ parents and her own had never been able to. It was going to take a lot of time, but if anyone had the patience and the enthusiasm, it was her.

She was the hero of the story. He was there to accomplish his own victory.

One of his legs gave up on him. Fourth time today, he was beyond annoyed. His side wasn’t collaborating, the dagger was still there. Seamus bit his lip, looking at his hand. It was going to hurt, but he needed to keep going. He really hoped he could do this much.

He focused all he had left inside over the palm, frustration, anger, despair, and soon it started to emit heat. Nowhere near his usual flames, but it was enough. He took a deep breath, held onto the handle of the dagger and pulled it out. He screamed. Then he lifted his shirt and put his boiling hand over the wound. He screamed again, louder, forcing his palm to stay where he was. Tears streamed through his cheeks. The magic left him even more tired, the pain was shocking him awake. It lasted nothing and forever. He looked down. It stopped bleeding. It was most likely going to scar, but he didn’t care. As long as he was alive.

It took even too much time to get up again. He couldn’t be sure that there weren’t any guards on their own chasing after him. He picked up the pace, he was doing better. It still hurt like mad, and he was exhausted, but he wasn’t going to pass out in a place like this, not right now. The land was getting even bluer around him, the leaves, the branches, even the ground he was stepping onto. The air was fresh but not cold, comfortably cool over his skin.

Then he noticed it, because it was like a mirror in the middle of the woods. It traced the celestial vegetation all around, and the image of a human who looked like he had been to war. Seamus swallowed, getting closer, feeling fresh air coming from it somehow.

He raised his hand, expecting a portal.

It was a wall.

His eyes widened. He pressed some more, feeling resistance, like it was a legit mirror, and he was stupidly think there was something on the other side.

“No… no, please!” He put both hands, pushing forward. “I have to get in, please!!” He felt so weak, so weak and pathetic. He could see it all. His smile, his eyes. His sharpness, his way of being, him existing. Everything was so close and it wasn’t fair. “Open! Open for me! I command you!!” His voice seemed to bound against the surface. His reflection started to cry. His cheeks felt wet. “Please… please, I have to be there…” He let his tired body lean against the surface, it wasn’t flat, but it was there. “I have to… I want to…” He had been fought for so long against his own father and now… he didn’t care. For revenge, his own pride hurt, how he could had said to him the worst ever conceived. He didn’t care. He just needed to go. “… I need to see him.”

It felt like a push towards the right direction. In reality, the resistance had disappeared, and he had fallen forward. Somehow his very trembling legs had managed to save him from just another ridiculous fall today, although he felt absolutely no strength inside of them. It was like oscillating onto two sticks. He was up by will, a pinch of pain, and a lot of despair that had almost disappeared the moment he had opened his eyes.

When he did, it was bright. There was a completely different forest in front of him, of a green so bright it looked like a sun. He could smell lots of flowers, the air was almost unnaturally fresh, the ground he was on was so tender it was almost pillowy.

He stepped forward. A purple flower moved, a pink one and an orange one as well. Perhaps it should had occurred him that those didn’t fly, but he was at his limit.

“Ah, human! How did he get in??”

“No Mary, look! It’s the human prince!”

“Oh no, are you okay? Quick, let’s get Douxie!”

Before he could even think to make sense of how those plants talked, even though someone with magic like him wasn’t even supposed to be surprised, the world started to spin. Everything was misty and unfocused, his sight was getting extremely nitid and unnaturally unfocused in sequence. He moved another step, seeing another flower on the ground, a red one. This time even his tired brain noticed that his arrow wound was open and dropping.

The dizziness came altogether.

“Hey, you made it! I thought my lovelies were just playing with me, you were so quick- Oh, you look terrible!” Ah, that direct calming voice he recognized. Even in the fog Douxie’s blue hair were easy to notice. “Hang on, you’re gonna be okay, you hear me? It will be okay!”

Something happened after that, he didn’t remember what. Only that it had probably been his fifth fall, the only one he had allowed himself to do willingly. Douxie must had grabbed him before touching the ground, because he had abandoned himself to unconsciousness without a single pain in his mind. He had lost sensibility to his leg, he was so exhausted he couldn’t feel a thing. All he perceived was a shifting of place, then a sudden humidity around him, of a mineral kind, not unpleasant. More flowery scents arrived, while his body still refused to cooperate. It felt so nice. It felt so nice to finally rest, but he didn’t want to. Not yet. Not yet.

He had hold onto lucidity with all he had left, for a time he was not aware of. Then, at some point, he had felt someone holding his hand, and a drop falling onto his palm.

“You will be fine, my love. I am here now.”

It could had been a dream, a pain induced hallucination. His mind and heart didn’t think so.

 ***

 When consciousness came back Seamus still had his eyes closed. He pondered if it was actually a good idea waking up, because despite his mind still being a little fuzzy, he was sure he was in a pretty bad condition, and it didn’t sound appealing to feel all that. Then it occurred him where he was, what had happened, and nothing was going to make him fall asleep again.

He opened his eyes, seeing the ceiling of a cavern. It shined of little sparkling minerals all over, making the rock look like a glowing blue mosaic. There was the sound of water from a far, a little waterfall perhaps, for the rest it was plain nature. It felt like the quietest place of the world, but all the doubts hurrying into his mind made it chaos in any case. Slowly, hoping into self-healing powers he never had and most likely was never going to have, he got up on a sitting position. Huh, it didn’t hurt… at all, actually.

Looking down, he found himself without his shirt, with his side showing a nasty scar. His pants had cuts everywhere, from the forest and the people, but his leg felt mostly okay.

Overall, he looked pretty good. He took a deep breath, and the smell made him gasp.

“Peonies…” They were nothing like the ones his mother had cultivated in their garden, they were glowing and changing color constantly, from red to yellow then green blue purple and over again. He had been laying down on a bed made of those. “Huh, I knew they symbolized good health, didn’t know on which extent.” This place was truly magical. He could feel his own soul regenerating. He touched a flower while focusing, it raised a little growing a leaf. He smiled.

Then he turned, and his heart skipped a beat. There was another bed station right next to him. An empty cloth lied down, a bag made of leaves, and a few books piled.

Seamus stayed frozen, looking helplessly. Then he grinned, jumping onto his feet and running.

As he had suspected, the cavern was situated close to a little waterfall. There was a pond of the most crystalline water he had ever seen in his life, reflecting the trees that were still sheltering from the sun. There was a game of reflections into the water, shining through colors and different shades. Beautiful, but nothing in comparison of the most gorgeous fae in the world.

Krel was kneeling next to the pond, filling in a little vase with water. His hair was covered in the light shapes that the trees were reflecting all over. His eyes were low and a little gloomy, following the stream of water that was filling the container. His clothes were a little messed up like his, meaning his own trip had probably been quite difficult as well. He was there, he was right there at last, keeping his promise no matter what. He got up right at that moment, sighing a lonely breath before turning back towards the cavern.

When their eyes met, it was like a calling. Their own way of communicating, because they had been both taught to repress everything in order to meet expectations, yet it was too much having each other to contain what they had.

The fae prince carelessly let go of the vase. His eyes teared up as he immediately went flying towards him. Seamus beamed at him, opening his arms right on time to take in the hug.

They made it. They were here together. They actually made it.

“Do not scare like me again, ever again!” How he had missed this voice, how much he had longed for this moment. It felt like all the rush and the pain had been already worth it. “You have promised me your life and I have promised you mine, you won’t get out of our agreement this easily!” He was pressing his wet eyes onto his shoulder, almost clawing his back closer to him. “I… I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” His voice dropped, getting more silent.

Seamus shook his head, reaching for his shoulders to gently push him away. Gosh, they were so slim, he was so fragile, especially in comparison to his sister. They were both vulnerable, not made for the battle, carrying too much on their backs. Meant for something else.

They looked at each other again. His tears were brushing the glowing marks on his face. The blonde wiped them away with his thumb.

“You didn’t hurt me, fat- well, the king did.” This wasn’t about him. “You saved me, Krel.”

“You saved me. From living a life as a merciless monster, unable to understand that there are no good fae and bad humans.” He embraced him again, hiding his head in the crook of his shoulder. “You gave me reality, something that might not be easy to obtain for the other fae. Me and Aja are lucky enough to have found people that opened our eyes.” It had been a reciprocating situation, they had both realized many things about each other’s worlds. The mention of those people sent a shiver through his back, there was no way Krel hadn’t noticed. “The son of the human duke had sent a messenger, apparently he had befriended a dwarf. It has a particular name, at least three vocals in it, sounds quite painful. Anyway, he said that they are all fine.”

“… for now.” Krel nodded. They parted, still holding hands. Seamus smiled sadly. “Well, we knew this wasn’t going to be easy. All we can do is hold on to it.” He knew they were on the same page, he had never trusted anything more. The fae was glowing. He looked wonderful. “It was a big step this one. We can focus on this for now, right?” This was nowhere near over. Their kingdoms were still divided, their worlds were still apart, there was much to be done.

Even so, looking at how his eyes lightened up at him, smiling like it was the best future he could had asked for, it felt easier to hope for the better.

“It sounds good.” He stepped closer. “I love you, Seamus.”

Seamus grinned, brushing their noses together.

“I love you too, Krel.” His mind, his body, his heart, they all moved forward.

He had learned so much about himself and his world from this person, every important part reconnected to him and him only. There was a longing, a connection, and whenever they kissed it felt like reaching out for that bond to hold onto it, to feel how good it was. He had always smelled like wild flowers, today it mixed with cut grass and effort. Krel laced his hands around his neck and Seamus knew what was to happen, holding onto him immediately. He had never told him, but whenever the fae prince was particularly lost into the moment, he started to float, bringing him along. It was a magical experience that was only theirs.

The blonde liked to think that this was meant to be. That they had built it together, slowly and steadily, with patience and effort, but that their meeting had been played out perfectly by destiny. He wondered if that would have been the same in every other universe, if their lives were to play in another context, with them as completely different people.

Perhaps so. He wanted to think so. No matter the place, as long as it was the two of them, that was where they were supposed to be.

Their world.

[foreficfandom]

Mystic Messenger - Poly!JuminV Headcanons (Dating MC)

Dating Jumin and Jihyun separately is one thing. Dating them together is a whole ‘nother beast. But a good one! One that you wouldn’t exchange for the world. 

This polyam relationship had started slowly. Long ago, the two men had realized maybe they already had a true love for each other, more pure than V’s obsession with Rika or Mr. Han’s shallow marriages. But they didn’t dare explore it. 

Then you entered the picture. You had supported V thoroughly during those eleven horrible days with Mint Eye, and also pulled Jumin out of his shell with your empathy and compassion. They both loved you, but they loved each other, too. 

They didn’t dare fight over you, circling around each other and waiting for the other to take the initiative. You quickly got tired of the meandering and pulled the two aside to have a long talk. 

At first, they were very skeptical, conservative Jumin more than the worldly Jihyun. But they more they thought about it ... the more perfect a polyamorous relationship seemed to be. 

Jumin crashed Jihyun’s house one night, and asked him breathlessly, “Would you have me, if you could have MC too? Could you love us both? Because I ... I’ll love you both. W-with all my heart.” There were hugs, tears were shed, then Jihyun called you to tell you what happened. And then some more happy tears. That night, Jumin slept in Jihyun’s arms for the first time since they were kids. 

Before long, the three of you were spending time together as a relationship. Jumin was learning how to love both his old friend and new love, Jihyun re-discovering it, and you were there for them both. 

The beginning was a bit weird. If you thought Jumin was awkward in a monogamous relationship, he’s even more so when there’s three in the picture. He began showering the two of you with gifts, which was extra strange for Jihyun because he also grew up rich and never lacked for luxurious stuff? And whenever the two of you went on dates, V kept unintentionally prioritizing either you or Jumin with his attention. 

But time went by and the three of you found your groove. you and V accompanied Jumin on his overseas business trips, so the two of you would tour the city for two days before Jumin joined you in the evening. Jumin booked seats for three to watch operas, or eat in romantic restaurants. You took them both on nature walks and town dates. 

The tabloids caught on to the relationship. At first, it was about how close friends you were, especially fascinated with how happier the previously-robotic-like Jumin Han seemed to be. Then pictures began to pop up of you three holding hands, or hugging ... you had tried to keep it relatively hidden, but paparazzi were relentless. 

Weird rumors began to circulate. ‘Jumin Han has a homosexual harem”. “The lust-fueled lifestyle of artist Jihyun Kim”. Jumin didn’t care, Jihyun kinda did, and you were upset at the negative attention.

Regardless of whether you decide to come out or not, your boyfriends and the RFA supported the relationship wholeheartedly, and that’s what mattered. They knew how much happier it made you all. 

After a while, Jumin asked the both of you to move in. He got an even bigger penthouse, and also bought out the lower two floors so Jihyun could have a huge studio, and you a private penthouse too. Partially to dispel the rumors, also because Jumin thought the massive new penthouse was ‘still too small’ and wanted even more space for the three of you. 

So the three of you had your own places right on top of each other, but of course you spent as much time as possible living together. All three of your beds were now alaskan king sized to maximize cuddling space. Everyone’s clothes and other stuff slowly migrated amongst all three floors. You’d all spend one evening in Jumin’s room, taking a bath in a massive tub, and then the next you’re all in Jihyun’s artsy studio eating a romantic dinner before cuddling in bed. 

Jumin unfortunately spends a lot of his days at work, and V’s schedule could be very erratic due to his traveling. The three of you can spend weeks without all three of you together. When you reunite, many kisses are guaranteed. 

You hold a special place in their hearts. Jumin and Jihyun have known each other for so long, and you only came into their lives a decade later. But you were the one who had saved them. You’re the one who taught them love. 

They’re completely smitten. Jumin spoiled you, Jihyun adored you. You were like an angel in their lives. The three of you were a family. A true one. Something perfect.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[lunnamars]

WARNING OF LONG RANTING:

First of all, I want to say that I loved Bleach and the special reason for that was Ichigo and Rukia. Their interactions and the will to protect each other was what got me into the story. And I’m not saying just because of the romance, I’m actually saying about their strong bond and the loneliness both of them felt and that it vanished when they found each other.

You know, remember the thing about stopping the rain?

Yeah.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the other characters and the battles and shit.

So, that being said...

I’ve seen people say that the relationship between Ichigo and Inuoe was really a romantic one being built since the beginning. I mean, she was in love with him already. And the relationship between Ichigo and Rukia was a friendship one, which I don’t disagree. But he did so many things for her and said so many things to her that honestly, I kept thinking that maybe I’m not loving my friends in the right way.

I mean.

"I wonder, can I keep up with it? The speed of the world without you in it.”

I truly believe it’s meant for Rukia, but people also think it’s about Tensa. There are some explanations to that. But if it’s about Rukia...

Dude, it’s not something I’d say to say to any friend of mine. Am I doing something wrong???

Since the beginning, it has always been about the two of them. You can’t deny it. She’s almost as a protagonist as he is. It’s about the death and the strawberry. And yes, it is about their friendship! But it’s also about the subtle love that we don’t need to scream to the world, but we know it’s there. And for me, this is what makes them amazing. One of the best ships I’ve seen.

Just look at him. Just just do it:

(and also look at poor Inuoe realizing things.)

It’s. so. fucking. subtle.

These two moments, after the Soul Society arc, are very meaningful to me because it’s subtle and it’s beautiful. GOD, JUST LOOK AT THE LONGING.

And yes, you gonna say that I’m just salty that it didn’t become canon (and yes, I’m still pretty fucking salty), but it just looked like Kubo was just playing around with all the poems and shit? Like, I don’t know if he has a friend that he treats like that, but I’d be really suspicious if it was me.

But in the end, I should have seen that coming. It actually makes me wonder if Ichigo and Rukia were never meant to be because they couldn’t have a life together. I mean, he’s human and she is not. However, I think it’s possible to have a family because his parents were able to right? But maybe, the fact that neither would give up their lives to be with each other would be an issue? But really, I don’t think so. Their bond is bigger than almost anything in this series.

And because of that, Inoue was actually a good option. He could have a life with her, with a child and all that. But it seems unfair to all of them: Inoue having her feelings not prioritized, the huge story between Ichigo and Rukia not that respected (taking in consideration all that Kubo made us believe), a possible relationship between Inuoe and Ishida (oh, I’d love to see that), Renji’s feelings too.

I just can’t picture that ending. It could have made sense if Kubo showed us the development of Ichigo and Inuoe relationship, you know? And not just throwing in our faces in that rushed chapter. I guess this is what pisses me off the most. They could have become close and I don’t know, falling in love and shit. Could have shown more development than what we got throughout the whole story.

I don’t know guys, I’m really mad to this day.

[casidisjourney]

Why did I start 75HARD? I can’t remember the first time I saw it, I’m thinking it must have been two or three years ago. I’ve seen many fitness challenges and none of them ever felt intriguing to me in the same way that 75HARD does.

I always had a reason that I couldn’t start. I didn’t have time to workout. I wanted to be able to drink for the holidays. I wanted to drink with my friends for the summer. I wanted to drink for my birthday. I go to my parents house every Sunday for dinner, and we bond over my step fathers cooking, which is amazing. I didn’t want to jeopardize that family bonding by going on a diet, and it didn’t feel right to ask them to cook differently for me.

Even so, it would pop up somewhere on social media and I’d be reminded of it a couple times a year. Each time I’d look into it, sometimes check out the creators website, I’d tell myself I’d start first thing tomorrow. But tomorrow came, and I’d forgotten or used one of the reasons above as to why I didn’t want to do it, why it wasn’t the right time, why I couldn’t do it.

And the challenge would fall to the back of my mind again. Until last month, I saw a video of a girl who posted what she looked like when she started and when she ended the challenge. She captioned it “75HARD is the best thing that ever happened to me.” Her body had definitely changed, but it was her face that I was struck by. She had a smirk and a look of pure confidence in her eyes. I think this is why it’s the only fitness ‘trend’ that has ever kept my attention. It felt bigger than just your body. Everyone who completed it would talk about how it changed their life. Because at the end of the day, the creator says it isn’t a challenge about fitness - it’s about mental toughness. He says it’s simple, but it’s hard.

Anyways, it was still circling around in my head. I bought the creators book, and I started really thinking about it. My therapist gave me the great suggestion to plan a start day so that I could prepare, rather than impulsively deciding to start the next morning. I hadn’t fully decided if I wanted to do the challenge.

The reasons I already stated of course still applied, but there was also one more thing. I had started to feel the impact of my dad being dead, as I do every time the weather gets colder. He died in November, we had his funeral on Thanksgiving. I also deal with fairly severe seasonal depression. This time of year is particularly hard for me and the idea of not being able to use alcohol to cope with the sadness was scary.

But here’s the thing. I realized that maybe drinking is easier, but it’ll be seven years in three weeks and I still haven’t fully processed my fathers death. My dad was the chillest person I’ve ever met. He said he wanted to have a party instead of a funeral. I know for a fact that he would be devastated to know that seven years later I’m still grieving as if it was just yesterday. It wouldn’t feel comforting to him at all to know that I’ve spent 6 years drinking, crying, and isolating myself every winter and thanksgiving.

I thought maybe things could be different this year. Two 45-minute stretches of time are actually not that hard to fit in once you choose to prioritize yourself. Walking counts, and that’s what I usually do. I walk 4-5 miles a day and I feel myself reconnect with nature. Most of the time I put my phone away and just use the time to think and appreciate the beauty of the trees and crunchy leaves on the ground. A gallon of water means some planning, but it’s definitely do-able. Reading a book and taking a progress picture are easy and take basically no time out of my day. And lastly, the Mediterranean diet included things I really enjoy - which includes fruit, nuts, and so many other things that I didn’t want to cut out of my diet. It’s actually been incredibly simple to adjust - the biggest thing is that I don’t eat processed food, junk food, fried food, and I’ve limited myself to only eat red meat 3-4 times a month. Nothing is truly off limits within the diet, but moderation is definitely key. It means I can eat most of what my parents cook because even if they have red meat every time, I can still eat it. They already use brown rice, whole wheat products, and lots of olive oil. My dad step is Italian so it actually matched up quite well.

I started the book before I started the challenge, and once my start day came, I was so excited about changing my life that there wasn’t any hesitation. I realized I could keep making excuses… not just for the challenge, but everything in my life, or I could get my shit done. It’s day 23 and I can already say it’s changed my entire life.

Oh, and I found out that I had Covid a day before my planned start day. I felt sick, and would’ve have every reason to say “welp this isn’t even my fault, this is an entirely reasonable excuse to cancel my plans.” But the things I read in the book were still in my head, I planned specifically so it would end right before Christmas, and even though I felt like shit, I’ve definitely felt worse. So I started a day later, but I still started. It’s just as simple to find an excuse as it is to find a reason to keep going… so you just need to decide what you can live with.

[liebeztod]

tired of being a secret

It’s been a while since I’ve craved to write. I think so many terrible things — and I mean terrible as a relative term — have happened to me that finally, it’s time to put it all down in words, rather than the confusing mess they are in my head.

I guess I stopped writing because of how terrible things got at work. And I mean, TERRIBLE. A part of me was too exhausted to write whenever I had to go about my days at BMW. I was also afraid to record anything because of the possibility of legal action I wanted to take. At this moment, I feel like those things could’ve helped me. But because of work, the depression came back. The anxiety too, and both in full force. Suddenly there was this urge to kill myself again, this desire to just… let go of the wheel and ride on into oncoming traffic. I knew I had regressed, and I was mad that work led me to this.

In May of 2019, I filed an HR report with the HR Lawyer. All because I didn’t trust Megan, our local HR Manager. And given the way things turned out, I was right not to trust her. The entire investigation lasted from May (when I filed) until October. It was so much up and down. But worst of all, everyone in my department started to ignore me. My boss, David — Mitch, Nina, and obviously Jang. It was even more stressful because of all the duties they took away from me as Center Assistance Manager. Nina’s job was eliminated, and she was given the job of SRM — but still they withheld work from me. Work that I was supposed to absorb from her. For 4 months I was without tasks — David having taken all the legal matters away from me, but never supplementing it with anything else. It was getting humiliating to beg for work — beg for Nina’s work which I had already done in the past. It wouldn’t have been a new job for me. The bigger frustration was how she had two jobs to do, and was obviously prioritizing her new one, while I was sitting at work, literally twiddling my thumbs, online shopping, looking for projects. Making up projects! The anger in me was… insurmountable. I had to start going to therapy every week. I started taking anti depressants in September, because of how fucking terrible it was to go into an office where everyone ignored me.

The worst part about it, when it ended in October, was finding out Megan told everyone to ignore me. But without letting me know that was the plan. That’s what makes me so angry, and why to this day, I still think about taking legal action. I’m not even going to say it “SEEMS” unethical for her to have done that, because at the end of the day, it isn’t seems, it WAS unethical. I’ll never forget what she did to me. Creating a hostile environment where I felt the need to seek medical help, am on anti depressants, am visiting my therapist once a week, and where my doctor finally said, “I’m taking you out of work for 8 weeks.”

I came back in February. But I guess a lot of the important things happened while I was at work.

Aside from family and friends keeping my head above the water, I dabbled in something that was probably one of my greater shames. Going into it, I knew it was wrong. And coming out of it, I told myself, “That was wrong, and you never should have done it.” But I did do it, and all because I wanted some sort of reprieve from what was happening in my life.

Of course, my initial hurts were due to work. I was always stressed, always coming home crying, exhausted, beaten. I hadn’t even done ANYTHING at work. I just sat there, but they were the most draining days of my life.

The second hurt was still Peter. After seeing Peter in Japan last April, I had resigned that he was the only one for me. AGAIN. And I can tell you at this moment, as I write this, I still feel that way. But around July of last year, I was getting antsy. When he and I spoke to each other in that hotel room, me inadvertently confessing my love for him while he acknowledged he too had feelings for me, I clung to that. I still cling to that. When he told me, “One day you and I will be together. It’s going to be us someday, in the end” I clung to that, too. Like a mantra. Every day telling myself — we are going to be together. And even knowing that, I didn’t want to allow myself any kind of distraction.

Until I did.

Peter told me his girlfriend was to move back to Hawaii in August. I felt like I had time, y’know? The internal cravings were finally scratching, asking for just one hook up, one night with some random guy I’d regret.

But I did something worse. I went on a date.

His name is Scott. We met on Twitter through the Dodger twitter community. One date, and he didn’t kiss me. Second date, at the top of Perch Rooftop. We made out all night. Third date? Dodger game. Fourth date? Another dodger game. Fifth date? A weekend getaway in Palm Springs. Sixth date? I dunno, another Dodger game. Mastros, museums, botanical gardens, you name it. I did more with Scott in 5 months than I have with anyone else. In a way, I guess he was my first boyfriend. But… I also want to put an asterisk on that, because of the number one caveat in this whole story: Scott is married.

I think Scott is STILL married as we speak. But I don’t know. I knew he was married going into my first date because, like a smart person, I googled him. I googled “Scott _____” and found his wedding website, wedding registry, you name it. I saw pictures of him and his wife, who just got married March of that year. So why, in July 2019, is he asking me out on a date? Well, they were separated. Not “legally” separated but taking time off. That should have been a red flag to me, and maybe it was… but I think I went into it because of this promise of casualness. This idea that I wouldn’t have to commit to him.

“There’s no way this guy is going to want to get a divorce for me, so, yeah.”

He fell harder than I did. And when I would tell him, “Yeah, you need to try one more time with your wife,” he always seemed to be very disappointed by my answer. I think he was always waiting for me to tell him, “I want you to get a divorce from your wife.” But as much as I grew to like him, I always knew — he’s not willing to TRY. If he just married this woman, and then called it quits after two months, what’s that mean for what could’ve happened between us?

It didn’t end as well as we promised it would. He threw a tantrum when I agreed with him that we should end it. He offended me by blocking me on Twitter, so I said, “I’ll do you one better” and blocked his phone number. Unfortunately, Apple only blocked his number on my phone. And about a month after “the break up” (which happened around Thanksgiving), I turned on my laptop and received this large, sappy message about how I’m his “unicorn,” and how I’m the one that got away, and how he and I will be together in the next life.

I guess it scares me. I say these things about Peter.

At this point (December 2019) I hadn’t heard from Peter since his birthday, July 13th. All throughout August I remember wanting to message him, ask him if he’d broken up with his girlfriend yet. I wanted to ask him this in September, in October, in November. Even when Scott and I broke up, I wanted to ask this in December and January, and even February. But I felt like it would be so disingenuous. I wanted to ask in August, yes — but I made up the excuse, “Well, maybe she isn’t moving back to Hawaii until the END of August. I’ll chat him up then.” But it would seem SO OBVIOUS if I was reaching out to him. I also had Scott, who I was quite fond of. Never in love, but fond of. It was nice to have someone obsessed with me, and I knew I liked him because of how jealous I would get about girls messaging him on Twitter.

But still, the goal was in my mind: Peter.

After Scott and I broke up, I just… felt like it’d be a disservice to text Peter now that I was suddenly “free.” I said I’d wait a few months. So finally, four days ago, I did it. I texted him. And oh, what bliss!

But something else happened before this. The thing that prompted me to text Peter.

After Scott, I was… bored. I felt better, of course. Scott could be so judgmental. He was uber jealous, super upset about how promiscuous I used to be. And I say that with a laugh, because I wasn’t “PROMISCUOUS” — I was just curious and slept with different men because I didn’t know what I wanted, what I liked. And this was something Scott always made sure to voice that he didn’t like about me. Especially the whole Dieter debacle…

Anyway, I hadn’t entertained any texting with anyone for a good while. Until last week. 

I got a text from Vincent, a service guy I met at NAC last year who works at one of our dealers. If I am being honest, he kinda looks like Scott. Just a little. But in a way, he was kind of… MORE annoying. A little more rough around the edges, a bit sexist, a big tease when it came to flirting. To be honest, I was put off by it. But if I’m also being honest, I was horny and bored and lonely. So… one thing lead to another, and we started sexting. That’s it. SEXTING.

So I guess there was this idea that he was going to see me at this year’s NAC. Spoiler alert, I wasn’t invited this year because of the changes made to my job — but he didn’t know that. And then, because of this coronavirus, the NAC was CANCELED!! Literally, a day after it was canceled, he immediately started our conversation off with this… admission that he’s married. So, like… suddenly that there’s no chance of us meeting, he had to get that out of the way: “you seemed like you wanted something more, and I just wanted to let you know I’m married.”

Of course, I was mad, but I was still BAD. I still kept sexting him, because again, suddenly there was this idea that I didn’t have to COMMIT. However, I had a very sobering moment a couple days after this admission… I found his wife’s Facebook page, and was face to face with a picture of her, Vincent, and their two children.

I ignored him the entire weekend and told him today, “Yeah, we gotta stop. I know it’s just WORDS, but she says you’re the love of her life on her Facebook profile!”

I’ve shut him up with that alone.

So now I’m left with this… DISGUST. Why am I only being approached by married men? In Scott’s case, he kept it secret. In this guy’s case, he kept is secret until suddenly the conference in Las Vegas was canceled. I can’t help but think… do married men flock to me because I seem like I have low self esteem? And do I prove that I do by entertaining them? I’m even sicker and more jaded about dating than ever before. Suddenly it just seems more likely, more apparent that men are cheaters, and want something else after matrimony, or after the birth of their first or second child.

It made me sad. It made me feel filthy, because I shrugged my shoulders when I saw they were married and played along anyway. And so… I texted Peter, in hopes that I’d remind myself what love felt like. Even if it’s one sided, even if he doesn’t feel the same way. I just wanted to remember how I felt when talking to him, because it’s the closest thing to love I’ve ever known.

Me: “Hey you, how’re you doing?” Peter: “Am okay, been wondering how you’re doing too. […] It was good to see you last year. Lol, said that last time didn’t I.”

I started telling him about my disability leave, and he asked why I didn’t come back to Japan. Then we just talked and laughed and laughed. I felt… so uplifted.

Me: “I’m judgmental. You know this.” Peter: “Yes, I live in fear of ending up on the other side of that judgement.” Me: “What? I’d never judge you except for your terrible movie tastes.” Peter: “M-m-mean.”

And then, since it was bedtime for me, and he was still at work (I think the time difference was 11pm for me, and 2:30pm for him), we started saying our goodbyes. And then… he said something that took my breath away:

Peter: “I still think about when you came here, you know. I don’t text because I assume you’re living your life. But yeah, anyway.” Me: “Haha, Peter, believe me, I think about that all the time. Like, very fondly. You’re part of my life. You’re not an intrusion, you know? Anyway, we can catch up later. Don’t get fired from your job by talking to me.”

I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I guess it just… made me happy to know he thinks of me. And to know he thinks about those nights we had together in Japan. Innocent, uneventful nights — except with the underlying subtext of wanting something more. Perhaps that was my first taste into being “ok” with infidelity. He was just DATING his girlfriend. And I said, “But I’ll do it. I’ll do it because it’s Peter, and because I love Peter.”

Here’s the last sadness I am going to impart before ending this entry, albeit haphazardly.

If it isn’t Peter, I hope it’s someone who doesn’t keep me a secret. When all those men flocked on me at NAC last year, they were all married and wanted me as their dirty little secret. When things ended with Scott, I asked if he’d tell his wife. He said no, she didn’t need to know. I remember thinking, “Wow, that’s a great way of trying again with your wife.” And now with Vincent, I am also a secret.

I know I’m picky, but I guess I’m just… amazed by this idea that I only attract men who want me on the side, and not in their real lives. Not that I want to be in their real lives. But it doesn’t feel like anyone i’ve ever given my time has ever been interested in giving me all of theirs.

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Prompt: Bucky forgetting Tony and his anniversary because he spends all his time with Steve.

Tony knew he didn't really have any right to complain. Considering the number of times he had forgotten Pepper's birthday or any other important date they'd shared, he actually deserved to be at the other end of the equation for once. The thing was just that he'd made an effort this time. He had decided, at the very start of his and Bucky's relationship, that he would do better.

Nowadays, Tony made sure to mark every important date in his calendar and asked JARVIS to remind him well enough in advance that he could plan gifts or make reservations — whatever seemed suitable for the occasion. Tony was determined not to make the same mistakes as he had with Pepper. The sheer number of times he'd made her feel ignored or forgotten would haunt him for the rest of his life, and he didn't blame her in the slightest for breaking up with him.

So, when his and Bucky's one-year anniversary rolled around, Tony was prepared. He'd finally learned that unnecessarily bombastic gifts usually weren't the way to go — another thing Pepper had had to suffer through — and had settled for buying Bucky a new, fancy leather jacket and a pair of headphones. Both were of expensive brands, granted, because Tony didn't know how to buy things cheap, but they were also things Bucky genuinely wanted. That hopefully made them better gifts than an obscenely large stuffed bunny.

Bucky's favorite place to eat didn't really require reservations, but Tony had made sure to call ahead to warn them that two Avengers would be dropping by and had politely requested a table in the back, if possible. When Tony had explained that it was for an anniversary dinner, they had been more than happy to help — and offered their well-wishes.

Everything was set. Tony had even made sure he was free from SI and Avengers obligations the entire day, intending to focus solely on Bucky. That had been one of the main problems in all of Tony's previous relationships; his work and projects always came first. In general, Bucky seemed to have nothing against that — he was surprisingly uninterested in changing Tony — but their anniversary, of all days, shouldn't be like that. Tony wanted Bucky to know just how much he loved him, even if he didn't always manage to say it with actual words.

Disappointingly, the day didn't turn out at all like Tony had planned.

(Mobile readers, watch out for the break)

First of all, he woke up alone. That wasn't entirely unexpected — he and Bucky kept different schedules — but he had hoped Bucky might sleep in on account of what day it was. Usually, Bucky loved to cuddle in bed, but his morning run with Steve must have held more appeal.

Tony pushed his disappointment aside, telling himself that didn't matter. There were still plenty of hours left in the day; Bucky would have time for him later.

Except when Bucky and Steve returned from their run and stopped by the kitchen for a water bottle each, all Tony got was a quick smile and a chaste kiss from Bucky before both super soldiers disappeared in the direction of the gym. Tony stood frozen on the spot, bereft, coffee cup in hand and unspoken words dying on his lips. He had wanted to ask Bucky what his plans for the day were, but Tony supposed he already had his answer.

Tony told himself not to be so greedy. He couldn't expect Bucky to always have time for him. Being too demanding was another reason for the rift between him and Pepper — the way she'd put Tony's needs before hers, time and time again. It was both selfish and cruel.

If Bucky wanted to spend his day with his best friend, who was Tony to stop him?

Tony swallowed and quickly gathered up his composure. If Bucky was busy, Tony might as well get some work done on his numerous projects. Bucky would come find him sooner or later, and then they could make arrangements for when to eat dinner.

Tony clung to that thought as he headed for his workshop, but there was no denying the lump of dread growing in his stomach. He had a feeling this day would turn out to be the opposite of what he had hoped.

---

A gentle kiss was pressed against Tony's temple and he felt himself smile, a shiver of delight running down his spine. He looked up from his soldering and was met by Bucky's grinning face.

"How are you, doll?" Bucky's words were soft and drawling, intimate in a way that never failed to make Tony's heart skip a beat. Bucky ran his hand through Tony's hair, as if he just couldn't resist the temptation to touch him.

This was what Tony had pictured their anniversary to be like.

"I'm good." Tony put his tools down and turned his chair around, pulling Bucky closer by his belt loops. "You?"

Bucky's hair was still a little wet from the shower he'd taken after his workout and Tony was pleased to note that Bucky was now wearing that lovely red Henley of his. It was one of Tony's favorites.

"Right now? Absolutely perfect," Bucky murmured with a fond smile, before leaning down for a proper kiss. Tony got so caught up in it — the warmth and taste of him — that he almost missed the words Bucky whispered against his lips as soon as the kiss ended. "I just wanted to see you before Steve and I head out again."

Tony stiffened, blinking in surprise. "Out?"

"Yeah." Bucky straightened and combed his fingers through Tony's hair once more, though this time it didn't feel particularly comforting. "The baseball game, remember? Steve got us tickets months ago."

"Oh. Right." Tony felt his heart sink, cold realization beginning to spread through his veins.

Had Bucky forgotten what day it was? Or did he just not care about celebrating anniversaries? Or maybe Tony had assumed their relationship was a bigger deal than it actually was? Perhaps Bucky saw what they had as something more casual, and therefore didn't want to acknowledge that they'd been dating for a year?

The thought made Tony's throat tighten.

"You okay?" Bucky was frowning, his voice full of concern.

Tony couldn't tell him. He'd either make a fool out of himself or make Bucky feel guilty for prioritizing spending time with his best friend. Tony and Bucky hadn't actually agreed to do anything special for their anniversary — they hadn't even mentioned it, in fact — so he shouldn't feel disappointed that Bucky had other plans.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Tony faked a smile, even if he knew that Bucky could probably see right through it.

Unsurprisingly, Bucky wasn't convinced. "You sure? You look..." Bucky didn't finish the sentence, obviously not sure how to catalogue whatever look was on Tony's face.

"I'm just tired," Tony deflected. "I didn't get much sleep."

It was a flimsy excuse. Bucky seemed to agree, judging by the frown he was wearing.

"Do you want me to stay in tonight?"

"No." Tony shook his head, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. He wanted nothing more than to say yes, but that wouldn't be fair to Bucky. He and Steve had obviously started planning their evening months ago — even before Tony had started making his preparations. "What good would that do? I probably won't be good company anyway. I'd rather see you go out and have fun with Steve."

"Are you sure?" Bucky asked.

"Absolutely." Tony wasn't even lying. He would only feel bad if Bucky stayed at home because Tony had asked him to, knowing he'd rather be at the game.

Bucky still looked concerned, but relented. "Okay, but let me know if you change your mind."

This was outright torture. Tony's chest felt heavy with disappointment and what could, quite possibly, be grief. He was fairly certain this meant Bucky had forgotten — he wouldn't be this oblivious if he was just uninterested in celebrating their anniversary — but that option was no less depressing. Bucky didn't consider the date notable enough to remember.

"I will." Tony's stomach was a tightly clenched ball of misery, but he managed a smile. "Now get going, before Steve leaves without you."

Bucky smiled too, his thumb stroking Tony's cheek. "See you when I get back?"

Tony nodded, not sure if his voice would carry without cracking. He returned the kiss Bucky gave him, but he could admit his heart wasn't in it. As he watched Bucky leave the workshop, on his way to spend the evening with Steve, Tony was almost a little surprised by how much it hurt.

Was this how Pepper had felt? If so, he didn't know how the hell she'd held out for as long as she had. It was excruciating to know his and Bucky's anniversary had been forgotten by the one other person who should remember it.

As soon as the elevator slid shut behind Bucky, Tony could feel his eyes begin to burn. He had no right to feel hurt, he knew that — he had treated Pepper way worse during their relationship — but he would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed. Bucky had always been so caring and considerate that the possibility of him forgetting their anniversary hadn't even occurred to Tony as an option. It seemed like the kind of thing Bucky would remember even if they had been in the middle of an Avengers mission.

Tony gritted his teeth and looked up at the ceiling, blinking the tears away. He was just overreacting, that was all. They hadn't said the day was special and, just because Tony had, for once, made an effort, that didn't mean he should fault Bucky for not doing the same. Bucky already put up with so much when it came to Tony, so if he wanted to go to a baseball game instead of having dinner with Tony, then he'd certainly earned that.

"JARVIS." Tony cleared his throat to get rid of the telltale tremble in his voice. "Let the restaurant know we're not coming."

"Of course, Sir."

Tony tried to convince himself that wasn't pity in JARVIS's voice, but he wasn't particularly successful.

---

As much as Tony tried to pretend that everything was fine in the days following their anniversary, he couldn't quite shake the feeling of disappointment. He stuffed Bucky's presents into one of the drawers in the workshop, praying he'd forget about them entirely, and did his best to smile like nothing was wrong.

It wasn't a big deal that Bucky had forgotten. Tony had no right to complain about something he had done so many times himself. A part of him wanted to get passive aggressive about it, sure, but Bucky deserved better than that. Tony was trying so hard not to fall back into old, childish patterns.

He was a little stiffer than usual, though, and found himself spending more time in the workshop, unfairly trying to spare himself the stab of hurt he felt whenever seeing Bucky. Tony just couldn't let it go, even if he knew he should. Whether or not they celebrated their anniversary didn't make or break their relationship. Tony might feel a painful clench in his chest whenever he thought about it, but he could learn to ignore that.

If Bucky noticed something was wrong, he never said anything.

---

Tony woke to gentle fingers stroking his hair and a soft kiss against his forehead. If the purpose was to make him eager to get out of bed, it was a poor tactic; tenderness of that kind only made him want to stay in bed longer.

"I brought coffee," Bucky whispered fondly.

Reluctantly, Tony cracked open one eye. "Are you bribing me?" he asked, mock-suspicious.

Bucky laughed and kissed his cheek. "I might be." He straightened and gestured towards Tony. "Come on, sit up."

Tony rolled his eyes but did as told, failing to suppress a wide yawn. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand — 9:13 AM — before getting distracted by the breakfast tray standing on fold-out legs next to the bed.

"You brought breakfast?" It was a stupid question since Tony could see for himself that Bucky had — toast, pancakes, sliced fruit, juice, and the aforementioned coffee. He wasn't displeased, just a little surprised.

"Nothin' gets past you, does it?" Bucky replied teasingly as he lifted the tray off the floor and placed it in front of Tony instead. Only then did Tony notice the rose lying next to the juice pitcher — rich, dark red with gold glitter along the edges of the petals.

"That's for you," Bucky said, obviously having noticed where Tony's gaze had strayed. Bucky picked up the rose and held it out to Tony, his smile breathtakingly sweet. "I know it's a little cheesy, but I figured you wouldn't mind."

Truth be told, Tony had trouble swallowing the sudden lump in his throat. He was pretty bad at romantic gestures and perhaps not overly fond of showing heartfelt emotions, but he couldn't not like it when Bucky was being so sincere. This was why Tony had wanted to do something special for their anniversary — he knew Bucky valued these kinds of things.

"You dork," Tony whispered, albeit fondly. He accepted the rose with one hand and pulled Bucky down for a kiss with the other. Bucky hummed against Tony's lips but soon drew back, grinning proudly.

"Let's eat." He was unusually eager, even for a hungry super soldier, and Tony couldn't help laughing when Bucky crawled over Tony's legs to settle next to him, propped up against the pillows. As soon as Bucky was in place, he leaned in to kiss Tony's cheek. "I love you."

Tony's throat closed up. He knew he was being ungrateful, but why couldn't Bucky have done this on their anniversary instead? This was exactly the kind of thing Tony had expected to share on that day, but instead Bucky had been off spending time with Steve. Of course Tony still appreciated the attention he was given now, but he'd been carrying the disappointment for days and it wasn't any easier when knowing just how considerate Bucky could be.

"I love you too," Tony replied, even if his voice sounded a little choked. Hopefully, Bucky would take it as Tony being touched instead of a tiny bit heartbroken.

To give himself some time to gather his composure, Tony picked up his coffee and took a sip. Immediately, Tony could tell Bucky had prepared it himself. It was quite endearing that no matter how many times Tony explained that he had appliances that could grind the beans and make the actual coffee, both Bucky and Steve occasionally insisted on doing it the old-fashioned way. Tony would be lying if he said it wasn't terribly flattering that Bucky wanted to spend that kind of time and effort on Tony's coffee, though.

Tony cleared his throat, careful not to meet Bucky's gaze. "So, what are we celebrating?"

While Bucky was a whole lot better at romantic gestures than Tony, they usually had a purpose of some kind.

Bucky laughed. "It's our anniversary, sweetheart."

Tony froze, coffee cup halfway to his lips. He turned his head and stared at Bucky, feeling a sickening roll in his stomach. "No, it's not," he said.

Their anniversary had been five days ago — Tony was sure of it.

His heart clenched when Bucky reached out and took his free hand, raising it to his lips to kiss Tony's knuckles. "Yes, it is." Bucky smiled, thumb stroking Tony's fingers. "And it's okay if you've forgotten — Pepper warned me that you might."

Tony's throat clicked and he hastily looked down at the breakfast tray in his lap. He hadn't forgotten. For once he hadn't forgotten, but he understood if everyone assumed he had — it was how he usually operated, after all. He wasn't sure how they'd mixed up the days — Tony trusted JARVIS with his life, and he would never have given the wrong date — so the fault must lie with Tony.

That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

"Okay." He swallowed and carefully placed his coffee cup back on the tray. "I'm sorry." Even he could hear that his tone was too flat.

"Tony?" Bucky sounded concerned — maybe even a little sad. "I mean it. It's okay if you don't—"

"I should get to work," Tony interrupted. He pulled his hand back from Bucky and grabbed the handles of the tray, preparing to lift it to the side. "I have a lot to—"

"No, wait!" Bucky took hold of Tony's wrist, not tightly enough that Tony couldn't break free, but still enough to make him freeze in place. "Tony, what's wrong?" There was outright panic in Bucky's voice now. "Was it something I did?"

Tony quickly shook his head, but he didn't let go of the breakfast tray or look up at Bucky. "No, you're wonderful. This is wonderful. Everything is fine, I just need to—"

"Please don't lie to me."

Tony shut his mouth with a clack. Lying never helped a relationship, Tony knew that much. Bucky deserved better than lies.

"Tony, please. Talk to me." There was so much pleading sincerity in Bucky's voice — Tony didn't have the heart to deny him.

It still wasn't easy, though. Tony sat quiet for long, agonizing seconds before he gathered enough courage to speak. Bucky's fingers remained wrapped around Tony's wrist the entire time, as if he was afraid that Tony would leave as soon as he let go.

"I didn't forget," Tony said, gaze fixed on the cooling pancakes. He licked his lips. "I just thought it was five days ago, that's all."

There was a stunned silence.

"You did? Why didn't you say anything?"

Tony refused to reply to that, and he also refused to meet Bucky's gaze. He couldn't quite decide if he felt depressed or just stupid — perhaps both.

"Five days ago was—" Bucky cut himself off, sucking in a sharp breath. "Oh Tony, no." He sounded devastated. "That's why you looked so sad when I said I was going to the game with Steve."

Since it wasn't a question, Tony saw no reason to reply.

"I could tell somethin's been off these past couple o' days," Bucky continued softly, "but I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it."

Tony closed his eyes when Bucky touched his cheek, breathtakingly gentle, as always.

"Please look at me."

Tony sighed but did as asked — there were few things he could deny Bucky — and wasn't the least bit surprised when he saw the pained look on Bucky's face.

"I would never do that to you." The amount of conviction in Bucky's voice was rather comforting, but Tony still felt a pang of sadness. "I would never force you to spend our anniversary alone. Not even for Steve."

"I know." Tony did know that. Bucky wouldn't knowingly be that cruel to someone he cared about, and Bucky did care about Tony. It had taken a while to get used to the thought, but Tony eventually had. "I just figured you'd forgotten."

Tony tried to sound nonchalant but he was fairly certain that he failed.

Bucky cupped Tony's cheek. "I would never forget somethin' as important as that." He swallowed, his smile faint. "And I'm sorry I assumed you had."

"Hey, it's okay — it's what I do." Tony shrugged, gaze skittering to look at the wall behind Bucky's shoulder. "You're right to expect the worst—"

"Tony, no." Bucky's words were gentle but the look in his eyes was firm. "I'm sorry. I know you've been tryin' really hard and I shouldn't have doubted you. That wasn't fair. Please accept my apology?"

Tony frowned. "I still got the wrong date so I don't see why you should apologize for—"

"Tony."

"Fine!" Tony exclaimed, both exasperated and a little bit fond. He felt a reluctant smile twitch at the corner of his lips. "I accept your apology."

"Thank you." Bucky leaned in for a soft kiss, clearly relieved. He bumped their foreheads together. "Are we good?"

"Yeah." Tony closed his eyes, soaking up the comfort of having Bucky close — their breaths mingling, Bucky's warmth pressed against his side. "We're good."

Bucky hummed and gave Tony another quick kiss. "In that case, I suggest breakfast."

Tony snorted but saw no reason to protest. A lot of the tension he'd been carrying the past couple of days was gone. Sure, he'd still gotten the date wrong, despite his best efforts, but at least this meant Bucky hadn't forgotten about their anniversary.

"I'm sorry I mixed up the days," Tony said, settling back against the pillows before taking another sip of coffee. "I still have the presents I got you, but I haven't made any dinner reservations."

Bucky picked up a piece of toast and smiled. "That's okay — I have."

Tony grinned back and was a little surprised when JARVIS interrupted the sweet moment — he usually had enough tact not to.

"Sirs, if I may?"

"Sure, JARVIS," Tony replied, reaching for one of the forks. "Go ahead."

"You were not mistaken about the date."

"JARVIS, it's not your fault." Tony used the side of his fork to cut a decent piece of pancake for himself, slapping Bucky's fingers away when he tried to steal it. "I just gave you the wrong date to keep track off. No harm done."

"No, Sir, you were right. All of my logs — and your credit card receipts — confirm that it was one year and five days ago that you and Sergeant Barnes had your first outing."

Both Tony and Bucky froze, then turned to look at each other in surprise. Bucky couldn't be the one who had gotten the date wrong, could he? Tony was pretty certain that was his job.

"Wait, you count from the first date?" Bucky asked, frowning.

"You don't?"

"No?"

It was Tony's turn to frown. "Then what anniversary are we having today?"

"Our first kiss." Bucky looked a little hesitant. "I mean, isn't that technically when we got together?"

"I..." Tony was beginning to feel hesitant too. "I don't know?"

There was a brief silence, Bucky and Tony staring at each other in confusion.

"Both dates are milestones within your relationship," JARVIS helpfully cut in, "so neither of you are necessarily wrong. They are both anniversaries."

If Tony hadn't been so stunned, he would probably have found the situation quite hilarious. But at least he was beginning to understand why they said that communication was key in any relationship.

"Perhaps, in preparation for next year, you should agree on a date together?" JARVIS kindly suggested. "To avoid further misunderstandings."

Bucky let out a short laugh, his shoulders relaxing. "Yeah, that's probably for the best."

"Let's go with today in that case," Tony decided. "A first kiss is more fun to celebrate than a first date."

"Sounds good to me," Bucky replied, a soft smile on his lips.

Tony just had to lean in and give him a quick kiss which, unsurprisingly, ended up being everything but quick. Once Tony managed to pull back, he wasn't ashamed to admit that he felt slightly lightheaded, his entire being tingling with happiness and contentment.

He cleared his throat while trying — and failing — not to smile. "JARVIS, rearrange the schedule and mark today as our anniversary instead."

"Certainly, Sir."

JARVIS reply was partly lost to Tony since he was busy returning the next kiss Bucky pulled him in for — a deep and needy thing that made his heart rate spike and toes curl. There was a flutter of warmth in Tony's chest, growing steadily stronger, and he reveled in the closeness — the feeling of belonging and the sizzle of desire pooling low in his stomach.

Bucky made him feel all kinds of wonderful things.

For the first time in five days, Tony was able to let go of the worry he'd been carrying and simply enjoy Bucky's company.

It was, after all, their anniversary, and what better way to spend it?

_____________

- Amethystina

[nielelendar]

Don’t mind me I need this 

- finding the last pictures you like yourself in it are more than 1 year old

- you actually kinda loved yourself at that moment, maybe that’s why

- trying to figure out what went wrong

Well first I was doing something I liked and was actually good at, which is litterature studies. The pictures stop when I stop the college in may.

Then I was operated in may. Like it’s supposed to be my new life, no more binders and shit.

I didn’t feel very happy at the hospital. Everything seemed forced. My family was there but the appreciation I have for their support hides the fact I actually kinda wanted them not to be here? My girlfriend also came, and friends. Did I wanted to be alone? Maybe that’s a “me” thing. I couldn’t get it. Live it. Because there were too many people around and I had to concentrate on how to react relatively to them so I couldn’t be in touch with what I was feeling and what was happening to me.

When I saw my friends who tend a coffee shop, who are not close friends, the guy who is a great sensitive guy almost cried from the fact that I was finally having surgery. I saw his eyes getting glossy and I had to stop myself from crying.  I mean, he was just happy for me? And that’s the first time I felt happy about my surgery. That I could connect with actual emotion. Like seing another person allowed me to be happy, to feel things.

But I also felt very, very lonely.

My mom who initially was against me having a chest surgery helped me pay a part of the bill and came with me to the hospital. She was there for me, right? I wasn’t rejected neither by my father neither my mother.

And still... it felt like everyone just waited for me to set the tone, to be happy, and they’d be happy for me then. And I wasn’t. I wasn’t unhappy either. I knew it had to be done, I wanted to do it, I was glad it was done.

I felt like I had waited too long. I was ready for this a year before. Maybe that’d had been too early. Everyone around me felt that way, that I was rushing things because I was only six monthes, a year into my transition? And I didn’t have the money. But that’s the moment I *wanted* it. I was making my body my own. But no. I waited. It hurt, you know? I know it hurt every moment and I just got used to it. Numbing myself. Forgetting myself again. And then I felt I did it but it was too late. It was just “fixing”.

Looking at my chest pictures pre-op is just so alien it makes me laugh. It’s obvious a male chest is what I needed. It’s so obvious to me I can’t find words to say it, I’m transgender baby, it’s just fact. A fact no one gets around me. Can people accept your transition and still not get it?

I don’t know. At first I liked the hurt when nerves were reconnecting. So I felt it was real. But then it felt numb. My tits felt nothing. Scars felt nothing. I did shit and got one of my scars larger. I barely took pictures and couldn’t get myself to post it on the forum I wanted to share them. Looked like laziness, I was busy. Same for massages. Skin was hard, it hurt under my pitarms where the drains were.

At some points I thought the areola were too big poped into my mind and I couldn’t see it differently. Then I noticed it wasn’t properly symetric and I kinda lost it inside? I mean, I could have done a periareolar but I went for the scars because I thought I’d be sure of the position of the areola. I felt they were a bit too low with peri and that they would be perfect ; scars were supposed to remind me who I was, and I also took the most pricey surgeon because I wanted it to be perfect and he has this reputation.

Yeah, I wanted it to be perfect. Maybe I’m a bit of a control freak.

And here I am with one tit round and the other oval, one bigger and one smaller, one higher and one lower.

My skin never was good for healing so I don’t know what I expected. The points around the areolas made them look like stars, and because of the cream I used on scars I had ugly long dark hair growing only on the scars, the lower part of my pecs.

But I’m not supposed to feel that way. I’m not supposed to be disappointed, and it’s my own fucking choice. And it probably looks better than a lot other chests, hell I know many would love to have it. Ah, and there was the issue with my left tit. Necrosis that was never called this way by the surgeon (it’s a scab my ass) and left it discolored, pinky in the middle and a bit distorted. Maybe I wasn’t ready to deal with all this shit. It could have been so much worse and objectively my chest looks fine. It’s a nice transgender chest.

But maybe this was hard and a traumatism for my body and instead of dealing with it head on, I was to busy using my energy building a façade where I have no disphoria because it’s not socially acceptable to have it. And I say that but I complained and it makes me feel like I’m whining. Never moving on. My gf is dealing with her own dismorphia and I get a lot of “this is the body you gotta live in” or maybe it’s my brain who’s distorting everything. She’s trying to accept she can be beautiful in her own way when I’m trying to change my body. I’m full of guilt for not being ever happy, for still complaining rn...

No one else than me should have been taking care. It was my responsability to face this hardship. Of knowing what’s good for me. Of asking for help when needed. Of prioritizing. But instead it was just a cross in my to do list, and feeling bad just a waste of time.

I’m supposed to be ok now. Two years into transition was the limit I felt I had. People love me when I’m happy and confident. I had my year to study, begin a new path, meet new people, everything was awesome. And that’s it, I tried to shut down the trans path and push back the fact I was not fine.

May-June-July 2018. It’s the moment when I really got into the my hero academia fan mindset. I wrote my first fanfics in years. I drew again a bit. In a burst of confidence, I accepted a work from the same friend that had cried over my operation. I was so happy I could imagine characters and draw pictures out of my mind, even if a lot were crappy, but at the same time couldn’t deal with rejection. When I posted my shit here and got no like, it fucked me up. And I couldn’t do the work. Part of it was just too hard technically. I drown in guilt and self shame of having been payed and doing nothing but procrastination. I had to go and say to them I couldn’t do it. They just left me a part of the job that was in my reach.

It took me a year to do this job. I don’t know, it took me maybe, a dozen hours in total? I just finished it yesterday night. And all this time it was a big weight on my mind. I couldn’t be myself around those people I liked and admired. I was the one who can’t do things properly and finish up and... stuff have an expiration date. When it’s passed there is no joy in it and no pride at all. Everything’s worthless no matter the time I put in it to compensate.

Everything was suspended this year. I feel the urge to move on but trully I want to move back, to stop and to be alone. I want to shake me up, to hit me and bully me into being a fucking adult. I also want to lie down and cry and being able to admit I’m not happy. I’d want to take care of myself but I’m so ashamed not having money. I don’t have clothes I like anymore but I can’t buy new ones. And I should find a summer job but time passes and I’m just doing everything and nothing.

I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. I’m obsessed with the fact it’s a privilege to even have that luxury when people work and exaust themselves surviving.

So yeah, I’ve finished those paintings one year late. Like I had my surgery one year late. And I’m still processing or obliteratings feelings from that time. It’s really frustrating to have been... well, I was anxious and cried very often but I was myself at some point. I’d prefer crying and facing things.

I have almost 0 pictures of this year. My pride disappeared somewhere. I went to Japan and I felt it was too late too. It was my dream, 10 years ago I promised I’d be back but again. I felt a lot of things. Tried to do that big project. Felt it wasn’t mine. That’s wrong, wrong, wrong. Yet this is how I felt. It took me such a big effort every step of the way.

I’m not now. I don’t feel like I’m on the right path. Even if I do things I’d say I’ll do a long time ago. Everyone is staring at me waiting for me to become something. I want to shut down and disappear, not litteraly but... I’m going to Japan like an escape. Part of me want to keep promises. The other who’d like to be a stranger knowing no-one to allow me a new beginning. I know my tendency to forget doesn’t help me to build myself. How many new beginning do I need? But knowing it’s an escape doesn’t change a thing. I feel like a lier. I said one year ago I was a writer. And I haven’t made a single movement since then. I was really happy when I attended storywriting sessions, then I stopped. I was really happy I could study litterature and analyze texts, then I stopped. I kept the Japanese for a dream, but it was in litterature I was really shining. It feels my brain had expanded and I loved its speed.

I felt I betrayed my teachers and drowned in guilt again. But I betrayed myself actually. Japanese studies are not a third as interesting as those were. I don’t use my brain or my talent. I’m terrified by creation and being an artist. Academia isn’t welcoming and I have left out the occasion to be in the field I was the most attracted to.

I’m searching a job but feel it’s already too late. Well, it is. Fuck I’m two monthes before leaving. I’m not ready at all. I’m acting like I have no time limit and can get my shit sorted out taking my time... I hate time.

[sunshineweb]

How Much is Enough, and A Few Other Questions

Note: I gave this talk to a group of friends working in Silicon Valley during my recent trip to the US. Surprisingly, they liked what I spoke and wanted me to share the transcript, which I am doing today in a deeper and more refined form.

Hi Friends,

Thanks for inviting me to speak to you today. I have nothing intelligent to say. You guys score much higher than me on the IQ charts. And it’ll be for the benefit of us all that I speak less and that you keep your expectations from me low. In fact, very low.

So, given that I have been given the freedom to talk whatever I want to today, I have smartly avoided intelligent stuff because I completely believe in what Mark Twain said and I quote, “It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.”

Instead of talking intelligent stuff around stock market, investing, human behaviour, etc., let me focus on a few important questions I have tried to seek answers to at various stages of my life, and that have helped me tremendously in choosing a path that, when I look back at, I am glad I chose.

The first question that has helped me in defining the course of my life so far is – Who am I?

While I understand that it’s better to devote time to experience the unfolding process of life than to engage in the complexity of understanding ourselves, this has been a question that has played a very important role in helping me define the kind of person I am, where I have come from, and where I would want to go.

When we do not stop to answer the question of “Who am I?” we keep on creating new identities for ourselves, which takes us farther away from our true self. In fact, what I have realized from my limited reading of the scriptures and through personal experiences is that most of our suffering in life is because we are never sure of our true identities.

Like, when it comes to investing, George J.W. Goodman – who used the pen name of Adam Smith – wrote this in his wonderful book The Money Game –

If you don’t know who you are, this [stock market] is an expensive place to find out.

Now, when we do not stop to realize our true selves, we often see life treating us unfairly. Of course, life is unfair. Children die, innocent people get killed in the war of arrogant fools, and we often don’t look as beautiful or are as rich as others. But when we try to answer the “Who am I?” question, we stop looking at life as being unfair just to us and instead accept unfairness as part of our identities. This is because we start seeing ourselves as an insignificant part of the bigger scheme of things that this Universe is. And that thought is truly liberating.

“Life,” Naval Ravikant says, “is a single player game. And so, the only person you must try to better, is the person you were yesterday. The “Who am I?” question has often led me to contemplate whether I am trying to be better than others, or just better than my own version of yesterday. Buffett calls this living with an Inner Scorecard.

The sooner we realize our true capabilities and the sooner we start playing the game with an Inner Scorecard and not based on the fancies of the world, the happier we would be and the better our decision making would become.

Consider this story that Dale Carnegie shared in his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living of Admiral Robert Peary who…

…startled and thrilled the world by reaching the North Pole with dog sleds in 1909 – a goal that brave men for centuries had suffered and starved and died to attain. Peary himself almost died from cold and starvation; and eight of his toes were frozen so hard they had to be cut off. He was so overwhelmed with disasters that he feared he would go insane. His superior naval officers in Washington were burned up because Peary was getting so much publicity and acclaim. So they accused him of collecting money for scientific expeditions and then “lying around and loafing in the Arctic”. And they probably believed it, because it is almost impossible not to believe what you want to believe. Their determination to humiliate and block Peary was so violent that only a direct order from President McKinley enabled Peary to continue his career in the Arctic.

So, if someone like Admiral Peary who achieved something amazing and praiseworthy can still be criticized, perhaps his story can give us comfort the next time we’re attacked by unjust criticism.

If, in your heart, you know who you really are and what you did was the right thing to do, unjust criticism should be considered and analyzed whether it truly has any merit, but not be given permission to belittle what you are trying to achieve.

Also remember what Carnegie wrote in his book…

…unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. The more important a dog is, the more satisfaction people get in kicking him.

Thriving in the real world requires the mindset of knowing who you are and working with an Inner Scorecard. It’s not about a religious devotion, but a commitment to the work as opposed to the rewards.

Even if we do everything right, the reaction we receive from others might be that of annoyance, disrespect, and jealousy. If we’re not living with an Inner Scorecard, such a response will crush us.

I’ve seen it happen a hundred times to myself. I’ve done it myself too. And, yet, far too many of us only feel strong enough to pursue our dreams when we have a team of people cheering for us in the background. That’s living with an Outer Scorecard. The problem is obvious. You fall to pieces when people stop cheering you.

You see, the world is indifferent to what we often want. What can go wrong, will. And we will be left with misery and disappointment. But if we can find joy and satisfaction in our work, because we are living with an Inner Scorecard, we don’t need to look anywhere else for happiness but within.

Anyways, the second question that has helped me is – How much do I know?

The answer that has kept me grounded is that I know nothing. In his book, The Island of Knowledge: The Limits of Science and the Search for Meaning, physicist Marcelo Gleiser writes this –

Consider, then, the sum total of our accumulated knowledge as constituting an island, which I call the Island of Knowledge. A vast ocean surrounds the Island of Knowledge, the unexplored ocean of the unknown, hiding countless tantalizing mysteries.

As the Island of Knowledge grows, so do the shores of our ignorance—the boundary between the known and unknown. Learning more about the world doesn’t lead to a point closer to a final destination — whose existence is nothing but a hopeful assumption anyways — but to more questions and mysteries. The more we know, the more exposed we are to our ignorance, and the more we know to ask.

Dutch philosopher Spinoza suggested that wisdom is seeing things ‘sub specie aeternitatis,’ that is, ‘in view of eternity.’

What I understand of this is that a fundamental principle of wisdom is to have a long-term perspective, to see the big picture, to look beyond the immediate situation. That’s a great advice that has helped me in the pursuit of wisdom and as an investor – to have a long-term perspective, to see the big picture, and to look beyond the immediate situation.

But them, wisdom requires humility. I must start with the assumption that I know nothing, and then I must be teachable.

The third question that has helped me immensely is – How much time do I have to get things done?

In moments of life outside investing, I do things as if there is no tomorrow. That guides me in how much time I spend with my family and kids, how much I strive to learn, and what I want to do with Safal Niveshak.

Starting Safal Niveshak in 2011 was one such decision that I did not want to push to the long term, like when I am forty, but wanted to get on with as soon as I had the essentials in place. Like a desire to do something of my own and an understanding that I possessed some skills to be able to survive, a house of my own, zero liabilities, sufficient finances to take care of my family for two years, and most importantly, my priorities in the right order. And once I started Safal Niveshak, I shifted to the long-term gear.

That applies to how I look at investing too. For me, the most important variable in the compounding formula is “time,” and this is the only thing I realize I have under control.

In fact, one of the reasons I spend less and less time on investing and more on more on more important things in life, like time with family, reading, teaching, and traveling is that I understand that my time with high-quality businesses that I’m invested in will take care of the wealth that I would need to meet my financial goals, and without worrying about the speed at which it is going to come.

When you stop chasing a 26% CAGR, and you are fine with a 20% CAGR, a lot of your anguish disappears as an investor and you can sleep peacefully at night.

Time heals, and time also solves a lot of problems. Investing isn’t such a big deal anyways.

Let me now move to the fourth question that has helped me maintain sanity over the years. And it is – How much is enough? (Oh, what a beautiful question this is!)

After being rejected at a few leading management colleges in India in 2001, I joined a second-rung college in Mumbai (thanks to my “first MBA, then job, then marriage” promise I had made to my to-be wife).

Life was tough, as prior to Mumbai, I had never lived in a city with population more than a few lacs. Plus, to save myself from the guilt of having my father pay a lot of money for the stay in Mumbai and also for buying the books I needed, I stayed in a chawl in Mumbai (the room behind the chair you see below) that my father never came to know about (until recently).

I now realize how important that lesson of prioritizing the use of money was for me, and how important it has come to be for me to answer this question – “How much is enough?” And the answer is – “Not much.”

When I look around, I see people living their lives always running behind time. I see parents who, in the race to move ahead in their careers, have left their children’s childhood behind. I also find people who have ruined their relationships because they were chasing “something” in the future – because it wasn’t enough – while not having time to live and love people around them in the present.

Rushing is rarely worth it, my dear friend. Life is too short to be wasted in the fast lane and is better enjoyed at a leisurely pace. I can vouch for that, from the experience of running in the fast lane during the first eight years of my career and the slow lane during the next seven.

Seneca, the Roman Stoic philosopher, has listed the trappings of a lot of wealth, stuff like “a golden roof, purple clothes, marble floors.” He has described the life of someone who has been blessed mightily by fate and fortune as having imposing statues, the most brilliant art, teams of servants.

“What does having all these things teach?” Seneca asks. “All you learn from this is how to desire more stuff.”

We are always on the hedonic treadmill, which simply means that as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness. Isn’t that ironical?

When we have X, and we think it should be sufficient to live a happy life, we see others having 2x and think that is what would make us happier. And then we raise the bar to 3x, 4x, and 10x.

It goes without saying that this is a path to bankruptcy, personally if not financially. The more you stay on this treadmill, the more it breaks you down. And thus, it pays to get off while you still can.

You do that only when you stop to ask this question – How much is enough?

Anyways, after these questions that have helped me define my life over these years, let me leave you with an important lesson that I wish I had learned earlier in life.

That lesson is that for all the long-term thinking and doing that we indulge in, it’s important to realize that life is exceedingly brief, especially because we don’t know how to use it.

Seneca wrote and I quote –

It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.

So, while there’s a huge mass of time ahead of us, it passes much faster than we think. Our kids grow up fast. We get gray hairs before we’re done getting our bearings on life.

You see, it’s ironical that it often takes us a lifetime to learn to live in the moment.

We seem to think that we’ll live forever. We spend time and money as though we’ll always be here. We buy stuff as though it matters and is worth the debt and stress of attachment.

We put off “living happily ever after” for another year, because we assume we have another year. We don’t tell the ones we love how much we love them often enough because we assume there’s always tomorrow.

I have these words from Steve Jobs on a post-it pasted on my work desk – “Remember – You will be dead soon.”

Jobs said this not very far from here, at Stanford University –

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

There’s nothing better that a dumb guy like me could leave you super-intelligent guys with.

Thank you for listening!

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