#because apparently those aren't chronic enough? fuck if I know

[banannabethchase]

Due to turning 32 and the world repeatedly nuking my ass with ailments so I don't become so powerful I overthrow god, I was recently diagnosed with PMDD. It explains the mood swings, the very bad thinky thoughts that last me 7 to 10 days, but the biggest thing that it explains is why it feels like something is consistently clawing its way out of me in ways I haven't experienced since my first couple periods in middle school. And it's every time I have my period.

Today it's particularly bad

My husband, the comedian, says it's because I got implanted by something after the Ospreay/Danielson match. We've decided it is Good Wrestling Spectation Disease.

So like. If any other wrestling fan gets bad cramps, no you don't. You have GWSD.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[homunculus-argument]

I may be swinging a fruit bat in a room full of hornet's nests here, but do americans know that most of the world doesn't look the way the US does? Like, specifically concerning ethnic diversity.

Coming from Europe, the fist time I went to the US, I was shocked by it, not in a negative way but in the same "wow, that's a real thing?" sort of way as western people finding out that there actually are that kind of pillar mountains in China, or americans who had never seen Fjord Horses in anything but the movie Frozen finding out that those fantastical yellow ponies are actually real.

And it wasn't some "backcountry rural hick sees Different Colour Person for the first time and dies of shock" sort of a thing. I had travelled before, and at 19 I considered myself quite worldly enough to go to a different continent I had never been on to go meet up a man from the internet, all by myself. I had been all over Europe from Iceland to St. Petersburg and from Norway to France, I have travelled. It was a slow realisation that it's turtles all the way down, that actually got me.

Being in an airport, going from one airport to another, I wasn't surprised by the sheer range of different kinds of people I saw. Airports just look like that, all over the world. Taking one flight after another, I didn't pay much attention to that, because airports just look like that. The "wait, holy shit" didn't hit me until I was already in rural Kentucky, in a fucking Wal-Mart. And if you're an american and the thought of a late teens nordic kid stepping foot into a Wal-Mart for the frist time and thinking "wow, this is actually what America looks like, all the time" makes you want to get defensive, it was by no means a negative feeling.

It was like looking into a bag of M&Ms. That's the only way I could describe it. Every single fucking person, group or family that I saw was apparently different colour and creed than the last ones who passed by. I had never seen black women with styled hair before because in Finland almost every single black woman you see is muslim and their hair is covered. I was used to the concept of large cities being more diverse, in FInland larger cities are the places where you're most likely to see people who aren't white. And I was stunned by just how colourful the population was in goddamn Beaver Dam, Kentucky.

I'm not trying to make any kind of a political point here. I'm just talking from my own experience as a Chronically Online European who has actually been abroad: City streets that look the way they do in the US are completely foreign to most people who are not american. And every time you people start complaining about why a game that's set in Poland, made by polish creators who have never been outside of Poland, only has polish people in it, they genuinely do not know what the hell you're talking about.

[nekropsii]

im thinking about the relationship between kankri and porrim because its just so fucking WEIRD like theyre obviously important to eachother or care about eachother to some extent but we dont really know why?? like they dont seem to get along very well

she patronizes him constantly (which is VERY loaded considering they lived on fucking beforus) and ignores his boundaries (calling him patronizing nicknames he doesnt like, wiping his face while he tried to push her off) and he constantly makes insensitive bitchy bigoted comments that go against all of her values and make her angry

and theres not the same dynamic dolorosa and signless had where she raised him like theyre the same age so why do they even talk to eachother?? what is their relationship?? like were they childhood friends or something?? itd make sense if they were both a little different as kids and therefore got along better but then why do they still talk to eachother when they really dont now ITS SO WEIRD

It's... Complicated. They go way back, as far as I can tell.

The way I see it, they do not have a "Mother and Son" relationship- I find that most who assert this often place far too much maturity onto Porrim, who is literally 19 years old. It's more like an Adoptive/Found Sibling relationship between someone with a severe case of Eldest Daughter Syndrome and the social conditioning of a higher-end Midblood on Beforus, and someone with a chronic case of Only Child and the social conditioning of a Mutant Lime on Beforus. The relationship makes more sense to me when you view it this way. It's just... A fraught sibling relationship, formed under societal pressures we can't even fathom. Porrim Maryam, trained by society to cull those beneath her, trying hard not to, and for the most succeeding outside of someone very close to her, and Kankri Vantas, culled and isolated his whole life, becoming a total suck-up to the deeply misogynistic, ableist, hemoloyal culling system as both a method of self defense and as a wielding of the only weapon he really knows. It was used against him all the time, and it works, doesn't it? If sucking up to Able-Bodied Male Highbloods and ridiculing everyone beneath that golden standard is the best way to ensure safety, then he's gonna do it. He's essentially a lifelong voter for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

Ultimately, I think what keeps Porrim by his side is that... I think she believes in him. It's like watching yourself lose your sibling to the Alt-Right Pipeline. I think she thinks he doesn't actually believe most of what he's saying, and that this is all deeply reflexive. She's smart enough to recognize the real systemic issues at play here, and that he's essentially caught in chains between 5 different machines that all want him dead. And she's right. When you actually read the shit Kankri's saying, it becomes almost immediately apparent that he's spouting bullshit, and that he absolutely knows this. I think what keeps Kankri by her side is that he knows she cares about him. There isn't any denying it. She might infringe on boundaries, or be generally annoying to him, and keeps doing that frustrating little thing called seeing through his and everyone else's bullshit and calling them out on it- not just including but especially his- but she cares. I think he knows that at the end of all things what he'd have left is her. Is this to say that if you got Kankri to grow a spine and genuinely believe in things that aren't spoonfeedings of the latest Conservative Highblood Talking Point/Psy-Op, he'd be a good person? Hell no. No way. He has a raging savior complex and is way too eager to throw other people under the bus and insult/ridicule them to their faces. He's an asshole. Just completely slimy.

But, again, sibling relationships know no bounds. This kind of dynamic just feels so... Realistic to me. The way their relationship is so strained but still so strong and ongoing just feels so human. I don't know. This is pretty meandering, I just think about them a lot.

[radicalstoner]

What disability do you have that prevents you from working?

Typically I would say mind your business, but, seeing as you're the apparent arbiter of whose disabilities are "bad enough," you of course must be informed so you can declare your ruling on whether my illness justifies my inability to work. And obviously your eminent anonymous opinion is what makes or breaks my entire lifestyle lmfao. But y'know what? Sure, I'll humor you, bc why not - have a peek at the hell that is my physical health and decide if I'm sick or just a lazy piece of shit.

I'm not giving you my full diagnostic history, bc you are not my doctor (unless he has tumblr but I doubt it) - I have multiple different diagnoses anyway, ranging from genetic to rheumatological to endocrine to neurological to gynecological, and rote listing them would probably mean little to you. What I will tell you is some of my symptoms, since those are more understandable to those who aren't aware of medical jargon and acronyms.

[Read more bc even symptoms alone are a huge list, no need for anyone to read all this, I just got going and it got long]

Let's start musculoskeletal: I have frequent falls from joint instability (and neurological issues like dizziness), and these falls often result in my joints (knees, shoulders, ankles, fingers, and collarbones are main offenders) coming partially or sometimes fully out of place and needing to be popped back in - I typically have to do this multiple times a day, and am very used to the cracks, crunches, thunks, snaps, and visceral squelch sounds that joints make when they move in and out of position. The pain of those injuries rarely bothers me anymore because I'm so used to it, so I just relocate joints and move on with my day - but the dislocations do inflame and damage surrounding tissues, and it adds up fast bc of how damn frequently my various bones decide they are getting divorced from their partners. I also have moderate scoliosis and bone-on-bone arthritis in my thoracic spine (meaning the spinal discs have degraded to nothing, so there's no cushion between the bones or around delicate nerves in the spinal cord, causing more neuro issues). My SI joints are degrading and constantly painful, and when they flare it gets to the point where I can't even shift an inch in bed without crying out. I have sprained/dislocated my right ankle so many times that it has permanent tendon damage, which would normally make me a candidate for surgery to fix them, but one of my conditions makes the surgery extremely likely to fail, so instead I'm stuck with chronic ankle pain and instability that gets worse with each proceeding twist or sprain (which are more likely to happen w the fucked tendons). My bone density is much lower than it should be in a woman my age. My hand joints are steadily losing their stamina wrt how long they can do things like write before the pain is really bothersome. My condition also just inherently causes muscle wasting, so building strength (though important in my treatment) can feel like an exercise in futility, and is incredibly frustrating. Nothing that I have mentioned in this paragraph can be treated at the root cause btw, symptoms can be managed and injuries can be rehabbed, but there's no fixing the disorder, these symptoms will haunt me my entire life.

Rheum: I am always high-inflammation, literally couldn't tell ya the last time my WBC tested in the normal range bc my body is constantly on high alert trying to fix the unfixable. Inflammation compromises your immune system, causes chronic fatigue, weight fluctuations, and just physically hurts, it's like a dull ache in dozens of areas on my body, and it moves around. That pain is also so familiar that it doesn't particularly bother me. What has been bothering me tho is that my thyroid is now overactive, which has led to new symptoms - I'm used to my typical set, I know how to cope, but new symptoms are a whole 'nother ballgame: I've been unable to sleep FAR too often, I'm now chronically sleep deprived and yet still alert and awake for 2-4 days at a time; I have lost 50 pounds in two months, and my body has been basically organically giving me Ozempic effects - no cravings, no appetite, no general urge or interest in eating - but the weight loss is still disproportionate and pretty shocking; I am anxious and fidgety all the time, to the point that my muscles get sore from fidgeting during the long wakeful periods; I hyperfixate even worse than usual on tasks (e.g. this fuckin ask response that you in no way deserve but I'm too engaged to not write it now). My healthy curly hair has started to feel brittle and frizzy, and some strands have broken (I have not used any bleach or heat since I had a buzzcut). The brain fog caused by the inflammation is also absolutely insane, I feel like I'm running in slow-mo even though the chemicals in my body are in high gear giving me energy and anxiety.

Gyno: I have PCOS and Stage III (of IV) endometriosis. Enough said?

Endocrine: my hormone levels have always been fucky (sky-high androgens) and when I went on testosterone a doctor medicated me incorrectly and made my hormonal imbalances drastically worse. my HPA axis is fucked, so all the different hormones/chemicals those organs produce are out-of-whack as well.

Neuro: Tingling/numb extremities, essential tremor, BRAIN FOG, balance issues, lack of coordination, nerve pain, vagus nerve dysfunction, icepick headaches. I have non-MS-type lesions on my brain, most likely caused by chronic physical and emotional stress according to my neuro. I have chiari malformation which means the bottom of my brain sags into the area of my spinal cord. I have endometriosis growing on my sciatic nerve, which is just as fun as it sounds; the sciatica pain is a different pain than I'm used to so it's much more uncomfortable mentally.

Systemic: Can't emphasize enough that I hurt All The Time. If my pain is at a 5 or less, that's a REALLY good day for me, I typically hang around a 7 on the pain chart. Pain stops me before strength or stamina, so I can't go on the walks my body wants to go on, I can't clean the apartment as deeply as I'd like, I can't even move some days, when the pain is all-encompassing and extra intense. I can semi-function with a LOT of pain by ignoring it, but I have had more and more days over the years when I just can't ignore it, or else I'll be punished with a knee dislocation or an SI joint flare for overdoing it. My autonomic system is an absolute disaster - this controls blood pressure, heart rate, digestion, breathing, temperature regulation, all the shit your body is supposed to do automatically. I can't rely on my body to do those things automatically. My stomach is paralyzed SOMETIMES because of my autonomic dysfunction; yes really. 3 gastric emptying studies, one was normal, one was very rapid, and one was basically immobile. The theory is that the fluctuations in my body and the storm of hormones/neurotransmitters/chemicals stimulate peristalsis unpredictably. Intermittent gastroparesis, and other times my stomach can't even hold onto food long enough to digest it and get nutrients before it moves on. And latelly I've had the fun little symptom of playing russian roulette whenever I dare to eat anything bc there's a 20% chance it will not be staying down - but also if I don't eat, I puke stomach acid and bile. I stock medical emesis bags like I'm a hospital, and have them stocked in my car, nightstand, living room, bag... bc I never know how my stomach will act, and when the nausea hits it is extremely sudden and intense so I need to have easy access to the bags. That's the reality of my gastric situation, eating holds no joy whatsoever, I've even lost a few safe foods after puking them up and developing taste aversion. My blood pressure is chronically low to the point that automatic BP cuffs sometimes are unable to detect it; my pulse is chronically rapid to the point that it goes over 3 beats a second sometimes, according to my watch. I even pass out sometimes because my blood pressure tanks even worse than usual (my father does the same thing, same disease).

Anything else you want to know? Social security number? Credit card info?

[booksinstacks]

I'm not saying I don't want to be alive but I'm also not not saying that.

Jk.

But seriously, can we talk about being a disabled university student because I literally feel like I am in hell.

Tell me why my emails about changing my timetable are being ignored?

Tell me why my literal DISABILITY SUPPORT ADVISOR has not responded to my last few emails? YOUR LITERAL JOB IS TO SUPPORT ME, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU? He could have quit his job for all I know. It's not like anyone in this place ever communicates with me.

How do I get people to listen to me and actually communicate with me? I'm serious. These people who are supposed to be helping me succeed are actively contributing to me having a mental breakdown because they aren't even competent enough to reply to their fucking emails apparently.

Being disabled is hard enough and comes with ridiculous amounts of admin already, without me having to send extra emails chasing people up every damn week because they haven't bothered to get back to me. I am sick of it. I am done!

No wonder so many disabled people drop out of uni or just don't bother going in the first place.

The support is ABYSMAL. It's there, but good luck accessing it. It might as well not exist.

I swear uni life must be a breeze for abled people because uni itself (my classes, the workload) isn't even the problem. My disabilities and the lack of support are the things I'm struggling with. If I weren't disabled I'd be doing SO WELL at uni rn. I'd be able to just enjoy my classes and get my reading done in my free time. And if people would actually respond to my emails and give me the support I need, maybe my disabilities wouldn't be making my uni experience quite so freaking hard.

But alas, by the time I've done my lectures and seminars and all the godforsaken admin that comes with being disabled, I have no energy to do the reading for my classes thanks to brain fog and chronic fatigue and of course the chronic pain which makes those other symptoms worse. That's not even factoring in the executive dysfunction and my inability to focus on things and all that other fun stuff that comes with being neurospicy.

If I could go back in time a few years, I'd tell myself not to bother going to uni. But I'm in second year now, and I might as well just make the most of it and do the best I can. I'm too far in to just quit. But the struggle is real.

[opinated-user]

Lily: "My black slave trader character is great representation and so is her chronic murderer fascist daughter!"

Me, looking up from a fanfic I'm reading where the President of the United States is black, aroace, a dad, a dork with a secret nerdery hobby, composed but ends up melting in the presence of cute animals, and is committed to reducing poverty and inequality in the United States: "Actually I'll take this, thanks. I'd rather have an Asian author who writes us like humans with problems, quirks, kindness and self-control than have the latest white rendition of Badass Black Boss Bitch."

Lily, louder: "The slaver being black isn't problematic, it's fine!"

And she wonders why black people aren't thrilled with her. Am I supposed to thank her for yet another depiction of black women as violent, aggressive, hateful and devoid of impulse control? Am I supposed to ignore the real-life legacy of slavery and pretend a black slaver isn't in poor taste? Why? So some white woman who doesn't even respect the culture of the Native tribe she pretends she's connected to can feel better about her racism?

I'm tired of black criminals. Framing the black criminals as fascist good guys doesn't make it better, it makes it worse. And making being a violent, angry Sith an inherent part of a black character? Fuck her. No, seriously, Lily? Go fuck yourself. Black people are not inherently violent or angry.

The angriest, easiest to enrage person in the room is Lily in every room she's in. She shouldn't project her flaws onto other races, she should get therapy.

I don't know how she got these ideas in her head about race but she's old enough to know better.

i said it on another post, but it actually does feel like LO can't separate black people from their oppression in her mind and since she has been accused of fetishizing black people, it comes off as if she's fetishizing black oppression too.

the whole issue with alaina's mom is already gross enough, but then you add the implications she put about how all storm trooper were intentionally chosen by skin tone (as Finn first identified Alaina's blackness as being similar to all other storm troopers he knew) and just... i can't comprehend why, in a fictional setting where characters regularly coexist with aliens of other planets, she still made a point to reinvent black slavery. even if you argue that she pretended to make the empire look worse, and by extension kylo ren, she still didn't need to do that. the empire is known to have commited genocide and use violence against insurrection... but i guess LO sees those two things as positive, so she has to shove racism there because her protagonist is black so of course she need to still live racism. as if blackness didn't have any value if it wasn't attached to racism. which is racist on itself.

honestly, at this point she should stop trying to fix what was already broken because it's clear she's only making things worse. from having her black mother into a slaver who trafficked a white child now she's making her into some sort of political martyr as martin luther king... despite no one apparently caring or even thinking about her death after it happened. she's just making it worse.

[hillbillyoracle]

Being a white person who doesn't always pass as white is such a bizarre experience. I know people will look at pictures of me and be like pssh yeah you're obviously white - yeah you would fucking think so and yet.

I've had so many weird experiences of people assuming my race wasn't white or that I was mixed over the years. A lot of the benign. But not all of them.

I think about that time a guy in a MAGA cap came up to me in a crowded Farmer's Market and started mimicking Spanish after overhearing me speaking French with my partner - I guess assuming we were talking about him - and fucking punched me. Left a bruise and I was scared to go out for weeks.

I think about being followed around stores and being called racial slurs out of pickup trucks (why is it always pickup trucks).

I think about how when I got into high school I started nervous about getting too tan in summers as I'd noticed people treated me worse when I was. I think about how I'm chronically vitamin D deficient and my doctor is always telling me to get more sun. I'm thinking about how even this summer I saw that familiar shift in people's behavior as I got darker.

But mostly I think about how I wish I at least knew why I look different.

All I know is I'm pretty sure someone in my family is lying about something.

I've been told for a long time that we're pretty much just German though the most recent immigrant in the family tree was Welsh. My dad took a DNA test and apparently it came back as him having a not insubstantial amount of North African (possibly Italian I wonder?) markers. But I haven't been able to figure out where that might have come from in the official family tree.

Some indigenous markers too but I've given up looking for that. Whoever covered their tracks there did a great job. Whether they meant to or not I'll never know.

Maybe this sound ridiculous but it reminds me of how even if I'm not actively trying to present male, I'll get dirty looks and called slurs and harassed because my facial features aren't feminine enough to a lot of people. Hell even when I wear make up, I've been accused of being a trans woman.

But I kind of know why that is - I naturally run a fair bit higher testosterone than most folks with ovaries and have been at points testosterone dominant. Had a bit of a delayed puberty and all that. My features developed to be kind of in the middle. I like them personally, regardless of other people's reactions.

But it's uncomfortable to feel like I'm missing some key part of my family history, to not know why so many people seem to clock me as something that too my knowledge I'm not. Like I'm experiencing some of the impacts of racism (though they're substantially less given the overall privilege my family has) without like having a connection to a community of people who also get it. It'd be nice to be able to find other white folks who've had those experiences because I super do not think it's appropriate to share mine when folks of colors connect with each other over theirs.

TL;DR: been having experiences that remind me not everyone thinks I'm white and I feel confused and wish I could find the truth/community.

[charity-angel]

Okay, so... I don't want to poop on anyone's parade here, but I also think it would be irresponsible of me to leave you with a false sense of how universal healthcare works.

If you're not paying your doctor to listen to you, some of them, you know, don't.

Preventative healthcare only works if your doctors listen to you. Plenty of women, PoC, and disabled folk can already tell you horror stories of docs not listening, and things getting much worse before they do sit up and pay attention. That will only get worse under universal healthcare.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful I have universal healthcare, because I'd be dead without it. No, that isn't hyperbole - I wouldn't be able to pay for the meds that literally keep me alive. But also, it took me years, a lot of research, and literal complaints filed for me to get a doctor to actually listen to me about my declining health.

And even now, I had my first appointment with a neurologist, 14 months after referral, about both migraines and the fact that my right side kinda doesn't work properly, and he literally waved off the things I was trying to tell him. Literally waved his hand to dismiss my words. Multiple times.

He's "not concerned". It's "probably dietary" (it's not, the migraines are caused by fucking weather, and you have years' worth of data and hard work showing you that, and "dietary" doesn't explain why my right side doesn't bloody WORK PROPERLY).

It took 14 months from the referral to get that pile of horse excrement. A referral marked "Urgent", btw. And I know this because I have a copy of it.

I'm still waiting to see the opthalmologist. They did give me an appointment within 4 months, but they cancelled it, because apparently it was the "wrong kind of appointment". How much notice did I get of this apparent error, you ask? Minus ten minutes. Minus. I was in the waiting room, all booked in, and ten minutes after my appointment time they told me they wouldn't see me that day. But I'd get a new appointment, and it would be quick because it was urgent.

That was 10th October 2023.

And those delays aren't caused by people frivolously abusing the system. Oh no. That's because the system is chronically underfunded, and can't afford enough doctors to go around. The new government wants to fund overtime so the docs can shoehorn in more appointments, but have overlooked the fact that the docs are all exhausted and still have PTSD from COVID.

Same goes for nurses if you're unlucky enough to be an in-patient. As for the catering... Pretty much, you get what you pay for. You pay nothing, you get crappy food.

I have more stories - this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Yes, universal healthcare has a lot of very good points. But please, don't just copy our system, because it is broken.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey guys :)

Maybe I'm going chronological for one time, so I can sort my thoughts easier.

Yeah, Goldie's much mire active than I would've thought, too. But they did all those things to keep me alive and kind of save, since we still don't know who they are exactly working against. (I mean, we don't know who Goldie exactly is either, but you get my point)

Honestly, I am pretty sure the TSB timeline is continuing, at least if my theory that Goldie just set me back in an alternate timeline is true. In this case I feel sorry for TSB, though..Extremely sorry. He still was 'my' Jake back then, even though he acted weird in the end (maybe was manipulated by entities). I mean, if what he wrote was true he went with authorities. And in the end..this could've been his downfall.

And yeah, maybe I'm not exactly safe, but I just have to go back. If I go, and if I lose my job, I have some things to sort out. And Jake luckily agreed with me that clearing up my desk isn't the worst thing I can do before leaving. We're still thinking about a location, which I could luckily deside myself. Max agreed on that. Even though he still has some doubts. (I mean, of course...His cousin opened the door with bruises all over her face.) He did promise to not ask any questions until I feel ready, though. That gives myself and Jake some time to figure that out.

And also, Jake is right! We have three Jakes and three smart people. YUVON. And of course Goldie, like you said Yu :) And some information about the previous timeline. (And that was it with being chronological)

So yeah, like I said, Max and I'll go. And I also think we can be pretty certain now that the message came from Goldie not the MWAF (which is relieving). I saw the messages and they didn't make Jake the bad guy. I honestly just don't think I can quote them yet. (They're too good, but I probably start daydreaming if I do) But they talk about Jake being an important part of my life and my heart and Max protecting me when he cannot. My dear cousin jumped to conclusions when he saw my bruised face. About Max' phone...I'll probably throw it in a river or something if he brings it with him. I told him not to, also because of Jake (he's not only worried about the MWAF apparently...He didn't exactly say it out loud, but I think it's pretty obvious) but he loves this device.

And I emphasize with you about the being kidnapped thing, you'll manage it, I know it :) And if I need to jump dimensions and box some sense into your Crow-Crew xD

No but for real, you can do that. I know it :)

Jake, find a good point in time to talk to her. But do it :)

Otherwise, I still think the 'underlying desire' theory is a possibility! But, like always in the moment, we could be wrong.

As for my stasis, I really do not wish to talk to more people who think I've been kidnapped. And I am a bit scared that could somehow lead to either them or me being in more danger again. But for now we have to wait.

I for now will pack some important things and paper & pens xD I don't want to leave y'all behind :P

Liska🐾🔥

[A screenshot is glued to the back of the letter and the quick sentence "Jake wants to talk to Jake" is written above]

Hello Jake, it is a pleasure to meet you. I am not quite sure in which way Liska will handle giving you my message, but she promised me to not read it for now.

I don't know whether she told you before or not, but as far as I am concerned she realised I am not only worried about the MWAF chasing her.

With me breaking out of this stasis I am sure that my followers aren't that far behind. And I know you can't do anything from where you are, but cross checking way to protect her doesn't seem to bad to me. Especially since we are similar but still fairly different from each other. At least it seems like that from what I have read.

For my part, I recently improved and updated Nym-OS which allows me access to Liskas whereabouts. If Yuvon should read this, she knows and agrees to it.

Still I am yet stuck on one little detail: I am trying to help Nym-OS in counterattacking. So, even though I am sure you already knoe this yourself, Nym-OS gets the ability to access location of the people attacking Liskas phone. I am almost done with that, so we are able to see a bit easier if and where people are that could be a danger.

Do you have any other ideas for ways I could help? Or even improve what I am doing momentarily. I wouldn't normally ask this since I know and trust my skills, but I think that this is fairly different from a 'normal situation'.

~ Jake

Lis,

Um. I don't know if you've seen the newest person to send in a letter, but we now have an issue.

Jessy, if you're reading this, I was sort of trying to avoid talking about this right away but I'm sort of trapped in a weird place, and Jake's here too because I'm a dumbass. I did not, so you know, let him read your letter or my reply. I figured you wouldn't want that. Sorry for dancing around the issue earlier :/ But at least you can get a good sample of the complete insanity we go through on the regular now!

Yeah... you're getting thrown into the deep end right now, aren't you. Sorry. There's no way to ease into this. You should probably either stop reading these entirely or start reading the letters from the beginning, so this will all at least make some sense. The first letter should start with the words "To whoever reads this," just so you know you get the right one.

Back to you, Lis. Yeah, I feel pretty bad for TSB Jake too. I honestly can't imagine being in his position right now.

Alright. So, you can choose the place. Great! There's way less chance of you being caught that way...

Tragedies just seem to be happening to all us Duskwood detectives, recently, don't they? Rai is chronically overworked and barely has time to sleep, I'm stuck in this hellhole and I've been forgotten by most everyone, you were shot, and poor Matt died and... well.

I never knew him, but I feel really bad for him :(

You could give Max half the truth. Tell him you have a stalker, and he's starting to get physical. Jake has been trying to help you get away from the asshole. It's not even a lie, just... not the full truth. Because. You know. The whole truth is completely fucking insane.

Writing to Jessy just put into perspective how insane everything is, I think. Gimme a sec.

Oh, fuck. My Jessy just texted me. Great timing.

Jeez that whole thing with me leaving myself out was just a joke XD If I knew you and Jake would take it so seriously, I'd never have said anything. I'll steer clear from now on.

Yeah, okay, definitely Goldie. That makes way more sense. I don't think you have to be quite so drastic as destroying the phone. Just get him to leave it at home for the trip.

Ahaha, thanks. I don't think that's necessary, though. Actually, seeing future!Jessy's perspective has caused a bit of a paradigm shift. I think I might need to reconsider what all to tell and not to tell the Crow Crew. I just sort of default to keeping things secret, now, but you've seen how well that worked for me with you and Rai, and with Jake.

Again, you probably should wait for them to contact you first, but you WILL need to talk to them when that happens. What you say to them and what you don't is up to you.

Pack a couple different pens XD We're all a bit long-winded.

That's all from me :)

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hallo, Lis.

Yuvon refuses to tell me what precisely she means about Jessica. Was she somehow contacted by an alternate version of Jessica? If so, how?

I am glad it was Goldie who contacted Max. Yuvon's suggestion for an excuse seems a good one, as there are far less things to remember that way. You simply need to oversimplify everything.

I do not, unfortunately, entirely believe that Yuvon was joking when she made that comment, based on previous comments and her ongoing guilt. I can't understand sometimes why she feels the need to lie so much. It is difficult for me to read people, much less her.

I will speak to her eventually. Early tomorrow, perhaps, if nothing else rears its head. Yuvon looks tired, and I am also admittedly not at my peak. I sincerely hope she does not wake up as early as she does every single day. It may get somewhat taxing, what with the lack of coffee here.

I think that is all from me to you, Lis. If you would kindly find a way to send the next section to my counterpart without looking at it, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you :)

—Jake and Yuvon

Jake,

It is a pleasure to meet you as well, despite the unusual circumstances.

That our pursuers may be freed from the stasis is a logical conclusion. Seeing as the last known location I had on them in my universe was approximately five hundred miles from Duskwood, they will likely be some of the first to free themselves from the stasis. I do not believe I need to warn you that time is of the essence.

It seems as if I am a small distance ahead of you in the development of countermeasures, perhaps because I have had more linear time to develop them. If you are where I think you are at in the development, you likely have or will soon hit a bug you cannot pin down that makes the pinpointing mechanism simply refuse to work at all. Presuming your and my version of NYM-0S are similar enough, the issue should lie in the public bool set in line 132 of the third part of the targeting script, the script that decides what constitutes a target; you have it defaulted to "false" where it should default to "true".

As for additional countermeasures: I was attempting to work on a rudimentary automated system of pattern detection when I was brought here. Essentially, its function would be such that it would be able to triangulate using the locator features already installed to find a rough estimate of where their headquarters might be. However, I have not found any way thus far to eliminate outliers, and as such the feature is currently next to useless. I am no longer able to work on the code, but perhaps you will have more luck than I did.

That is all I can think of for the moment on that subject. However, I have an odd theory on what may be part of the reason we vary so. If you have a moment to spare, please answer me this:

When I was very young, back when Mother was still around, she took me to a doctor for odd behaviors. This included not looking people in the eyes, but there was a list. I was given a diagnosis; if you had the same experience, you should likely know which one.

Did you have this experience? If so, please prove it by stating what the diagnosis was.

Do not worry if you do not know what I am talking about; I would rather you did not guess. Simply state that you don't know. It will confirm my theory.

Good luck with your pursuers.

—Jake

(The letter tucks itself in the paper clip with the others.)

[starsong-dragonheart]

Another aspect of this that keeps a lot of people from reading the leaflets that I rarely see mentioned is that a ton of doctors flat out tell you not to, and sometimes warn of all kinds of scary consequences if you do (most of which amount to "all patients are intensely gullible hypochondriacs or lying malingerers" or "I'm going to find a way to make any side effects Your Fault so I don't have to deal with it and can congratulate myself on how good a doctor I am"

I've been told by so many doctors not to read the inserts for medications and not to look up side effects online, it's beyond horrifying. The justifications I've gotten have usually been something along the lines of "you'll just give yourself anxiety" (I'd rather give myself anxiety than end up dead) or "almost no one gets side effects from this unless they read the insert, don't do that to yourself" (it's called "people don't know to tell you they're having a side effect if they don't know what those side effects are or if they're actually concerning") or even "you've got so many chronic health conditions and are on so many meds that you'll never be able to tell what's a side effect of/interaction with this drug, so don't try to read it and monitor things on your own, just let me do that in the 15 minutes a year you see me" (are you FUCKING kidding me?).

I've had so many doctors refuse to believe that a) I could be experiencing a particular side effect they aren't familiar with at all, or b) that the symptoms that perfectly match a common side effect could possibly actually BE that side effect instead of just a weird coincidence. I can't count the number of times doctors have tried to shut me up about a side effect or drug interaction with ploys like "did you go to the ER/is it bad enough for you to be ready to head to the ER right now? no? then clearly it's not a real problem and you're exaggerating."

There are a TON of reasons why people don't just read the packaging that have nothing to do with not "bothering" to read the leaflets. There are also a TON of reasons why people don't ask pharmacists. Among them? The sheer number of doctors who describe pharmacists to their patients as, essentially, busybodies trying to butt in on the sacred practice of medicine where they apparently have no business being any time a pharmacist disagrees with them. I've had a ton of doctors over the years, and I've only once gotten a response that didn't involve eye rolling when I mentioned speaking to a pharmacist who'd disagreed with them on safety. I've watched doctors straight up lie to pharmacists and ICU nurses when, say, asked how I'd ended up on so many meds that all raised my risk of [life threatening side effect].

If, your whatever reason, you can't or haven't read the pamphlets for your medicines or spoken to a pharmacist or read about them online, please keep looking for ways to make getting that information work for you - you deserve better than to suffer needlessly because of shitty medical professionals and shitty systems. There are a bunch of ideas upthread and in the notes, and I suspect it will get a lot more as this post continues to get passed around.

whilst i am always and forever just begging doctors to properly check interactions before they prescibe things (@ pharmacists: fuck everyone else i respect you i love you xoxo)

i am in fact also begging everyone to read the leaflets you get with your medication. if you have difficulty reading or understanding those leaflets that’s fine just like… ask the pharmacist. never met one who wasn’t happy to explain drugs.

but like…

“SSRIs make you less tolerant of heat” should not be a shock - it’s in the leaflet. they make you sweat, give you hot flashes, and make your skin more sensitive to the sun. that’s all in there.

“mixing alcohol and benzos is a Bad Time” is not a shock. it’s in the leaflet to avoid alcohol.

“my ADHD meds made me not want to eat” is not a shock. it’s in the leaflet that they cause appetite suppression and weight loss.

you do not have to “find out the hard way” you really don’t. and bc doctors are fuckin useless at bothering to actually read and/or understand and/or explain interactions like… ever, apparently? there are plenty of places you can check for yourself or, again, just ask the pharmacist if there’s anything to watch out for.

i mean asking a pharmacist about interactions is basially asking them to infodump about their hyperfixation. you’re asking someone who thinks drugs are really cool to talk about drugs they are not going to be upset about this.

[systemsteamjunk]

I used to have panic attacks when I was forced to wear socks because sensory yikes. I did some therapy shit and that solved my sock wearing problem except now I can't not wear socks if I'm walking on anything other than carpet because Textures, especially unexpected ones, feeling every tiny speck of whateverthefuckisonthisfloor; shoes that don't require socks are usually some form of sensory hell (either Bad Texture or Why The Fuck Am I Having Something Between My Toes); if I think about the fact that there are socks on my feet for too long, guess what, I still freak out. All of the sleeves to every shirt I own are cut off. The feeling of anything even near my armpits is hell. I used to only wear tshirts with sleeves cut off/tank tops and shorts because my knee pits, like my armpits, hate containment so I could Not wear pants (I've gotten a little better about this but they better be wide as hell). Every winter was a hell of friends offering me clothes I couldn't wear and strangers being like "aren't you cold?" and how do you explain yes bitch but at least I'm not in a type of excruciating pain that isn't necessarily pain in the sense that most people know it. I can manage very baggy hoodies now but only if the texture is Correct and only if I am standing or sitting so that all the fabric is hanging the correct way as to not be near my armpits. My anxiety skyrockets when I know I have to talk on the phone or in a public space because I can barely almost process what people are saying maybe. Also catch me refusing to go into any store with concrete or similar type floors (think Home Depot floors) even though boy howdy most of those are necessarily when I want plants but if I even vaguely hear a shoe scrape on those floors I Will Die. I have friends who have taken songs off of playlists they play around me because there is just one Noise in That Song that Hurts. Big relate to touch/hug from op, have lost friends and relationships because I'm not 'physically affectionate' enough. Not really a loss though because if they can't even attempt to understand, I don't need them around. Family gatherings are Hell, I have relatives that call my hugs "The Lewis Family Hug" (just one arm off to the side quick as possible because why the fuck is this socially mandatory please be over)--that saying was actually coined before I was born because of my grandfather who I suspect also deals with some sensory processing issues but none of the other people older than me in the family do nor do they attempt to understand neurodivergecy in that direction. I also relate to Food issues. I have been able to get marginally better but Mouth Textures of some things. Fucking terrible. It might smell and look like heaven but fuck it if the texture is wrong. Tired of being called a picky eater because it feels so condescending, sometimes even infantilizing but that's beside the point. Just. Randomly not being able to have my back against anything (which sucks because I also have chronic back pain and even sitting on a backless chair for too long means I'm out of commission for at least the rest of the day) because I Can Feel My Shoulder Blade What The Fuck Stop Touching Things I Don't Want To Be Aware Of You. Can't wear tight clothes either for the same reason. I mean I fucking hate shirts in general but apparently the top half of my body is fucking illegal for some reason so I Suffer

Edit: we can't believe we forgot to mention 2 things 1.) Being unable to regulate my body temperature/process temperature in general 2.) We literally had a 504 in high school to use our personal laptop for anything that wasn't a quiz/test (I think it's become more ubiquitous for people to be able to do this in general but it wasn't allowed at my school at the time) and being allowed to wear a glove for quizes/tests because we can't deal with the texture of paper. In my AP Psychology class I had some guy ask about it and when I explained, he was just like "oh if I say I don't like the feeling of paper, can I use my computer, too?" and the Overwhelming Rage I have for responses like that.

I don't think people really understand what sensory processing problems can feel like when they don't have them. Like... it seems to be understood as "senses are more/less intense and/or sensitive" i never see it talked about as to what that actually means.

for me, sensory processing issues look like:

having to wear ear defenders/noise cancelling headphones almost constantly. I'm wearing them right now, because the vent and my keyboard keys are too loud otherwise.

frequently being in pain because of noises--not even loud ones. It hurts to open my door without headphones on. other painful noises include people's voices, my cat's claws on the floor, and air vents. I wish i was kidding.

being unable to eat a lot of foods. like, i can't even force myself to eat yogurt, because lately it's really been bothering me. I just can't put it in my mouth.

developing a habit of looking at the ground because all the lights in my school hurt my eyes.

physically recoiling when people try to touch or hug me. (people say it looks like i expect to be hit. I don't, i just don't like it.)

poor balance & coordination (the vestibular sense involves balance, coordination & spatial orientation, and mine is Bad)

intense discomfort at small touches, like a feather or a touch skimming over my skin

being unable to stand tags in clothes (so. fucking. itchy)

feel free to add on if you also have sensory issues, and also i'm giving a note to writers that it is a-ok to save this as a writing resource