#because I’m kind of afraid of it now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theres-whump-in-that-nebula · 8 months ago

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The numerically-related spell I recited and wrote down incessantly in high school is kicking my ass and also may literally break my bones at some point in the near future.

#So I have this spell… I made it with so much feeling and vibes behind it but couldn’t specify exactly why I felt that way #or what the purpose of the spell was despite knowing every reference and mostly every facet of the symbolism #All I knew was “yes this feels right and I know it will work so I’m going to say it over and over again to make it do whatever I want”#It is related to certain numbers which have followed me everywhere since — You guessed it! — FOUR years ago #when it was TWENTY-TWENTY and I was SIXTEEN #Now it’s APRIL and I am TWENTY and soon it will be APRIL TWENTY-FOURTH TWENTY-TWENTY-FOUR #And I woke up really fucking sick on APRIL FOURTH of this year #And I took Japanese for enough years to know “shi” (four) also means “death” and is a very unlucky number over there #but the spell itself is supposed to be good (but in a really really weird way that only I could possibly enjoy)#and the source material on which I based the spell has lots of Japanese elements to it #I think I know how to interpret it here but idk #Oh and also I included this spell and it’s imagery EVERYWHERE (including in all the diaries and sketchbooks my parents destroyed)#Hell I even made my own knot magic on it… also destroyed #You know what happens when you destroy spell-related materials right? They get released. Into the universe.#So idk if this is going to be very good or very bad #But I haven’t said the spell aloud or at all in four years except for one time in my mind #because I’m kind of afraid of it now

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 10 months ago

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Happy Year of the Dragon!

#non mdzs #lunar new year #digital art #Still struggling with figuring out digital art stuff but I’m getting there #The year of the rabbit really was a special and lucky one for me. Maybe because sometimes it is also the year of the cat.#The energy of the rabbit might not be with me but I hope to have the wisdom of the dragon leading my days #This week is going to be filled with a lot of sappiness so I won't go into yet.#But thank you to everyone for making me feel less anxious and afraid with all the kindness you have shown me.#I have become somewhat domesticated now. I will sniff your hand if there is a treat in it. Maybe blink slowly at you from a distance.#HAVE A WONDERFUL LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERONE! We are all gonna do great B*)

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tanjir0se · 8 months ago

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I have a hot take about Giyuu but I am. Frightened

#not that I think everyone is mischaracterizing or that I think I’m the definitive authority on Giyuu #because I haven’t even read the manga so I ASBOLUTELY am not #but I just think people (me) are so quick to like. babygirlify everything he does and make him such a cringefail little loser #that they forget he’s. kind of mean lol. he has a temper!!!!#I for one love his temper I think it’s hilarious and incredibly valid and SUPER fun to write #and I know most of it is probably either unintentional or like. a cover for his tender soft boy heart or something #but like. LET MY BOY BE A BITCH!!!! it’s FUNNY and he DESERVES IT #I have examples but idk I’m. afraid #so it’s staying in the tags for now #SOFTLAUNCHING MY GIYUU HOT TAKE #postcards from stupid town

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amorcie · 5 months ago

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I think I figured out a system name :-)

#lovestruck fools is the fancier one — but i also came up with lovesys and i do like that too #so we might alternate between those?#i’ll have to run that by the others #i was just thinking #i wrote that (now privated) post and i thought #man. we’re getting older now #and i don’t want to be full of hate anymore #i don’t want to be bitter #i don’t want to be an angry dog that growls and bites because it’s afraid #i just want to be kind and i want to love the world #our life is getting better by the second so maybe that’s helping us #we’re in a better place mentally :-)#i don’t know. it’s just nice to be happy for once #we have less and less sad days #also! on a more lighthearted note #seems like ceri / cerys is the most popular name on that poll thing #i’m going go give it a few more days and we’ll probably change our collective name then #thank you for reading the rambling if you did :-)#posts #🎀

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j-esbian · 5 months ago

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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up

#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade #i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive #bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress #spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse #bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them #and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it #i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together #i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all #the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really #i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying #i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It #i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people #so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable #i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping #in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school #because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow #anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured #and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit #yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside #when you’re 16 as opposed to 25

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starkskypines · 5 months ago

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i ran every red light just to see if your grave still had room for me

-Paper Doll // Flower Face

#i’m going insane right now #ask jus #she will confirm #flower face #song lyrics #WHAT KIND OF LINE IS THIS #can’t live without the other #no care for themself because they’ve lost what means the most to them and they’re afraid it’s too late #their love is in the cemetery and they want to be buried with it #goddddddd

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quietwingsinthesky · 1 year ago

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thinking about Jack s5 time travel au again. eventually he’s going to break down, right? he can tell himself that sam & dean wouldn’t want him to jeopardize the future by changing the past, stand by and let lucifer carry on with his reluctant destruction while telling himself that this is his job, to preserve the life sam & dean & cas will have, no matter how much he’s watching them and everything else get hurt in the present. and maybe for them, jack would misguidedly stick it out and make sure things go as they should because the life that they will have might hurt, but it’s theirs, right? it’s what they wanted, right?

but again. lucifer is also there. lucifer is the crux of the apocalypse, and he’s taken jack under his wing thinking he’s a rebel angel for lucifer’s cause, and he’s so different. lucifer and Jack having quiet conversations surrounded by natural beauty where lucifer is so filled with love for all of it, so furious with humanity for ruining the world, so angry and heartbroken that god wouldn’t listen to him. he’s telling jack this while jack nods and listens and tries not to say anything that will give him away. lucifer’s grooming his wings for him absently, saying how much he missed taking care of one of his siblings while caged, and jack is trembling from the constant affection he’s being shown from his dad who doesn’t know he’s his dad. who has never been like this around him before. who he didn’t know could be like this.

i think that’s what would break jack and push his hand into trying to change the future. what wouldn’t he do, if he has the chance to save his father from himself?

#Jack reaching back thru time to prevent Lucifer character assassination we love to see it #also because you need to know that I think about Jack getting cuddles about 90% of the day.#lucifer & jack wing grooming is soo important to me.#as is the whole point of this au being ‘Lucifer is so starved of being around other angels that having jack around #means that he kind of smothers him in All The Love’#in a nice way. overwhelming way. but nice. Jack is getting so cuddled and held and kissed. and he has no idea how to handle it.#lucifer meanwhile living in willful denial that this kid is Not an angel.#he’s so lonely he’s so desperate to have his family around he’ll take whatever he can get #and I mean he’s not entirely wrong. Jack is his family. just in a different way than he’s imagining.#anyway the important bit of this I need you to imagine is:#Jack & Lucifer sitting together. perhaps stargazing. Jack is being Held and it’s so nice.#but he’s also biting the inside of his lip so hard it hurts. so hard that it bleeds. Lucifer’s talking gently in his ear about supernovas.#Jack is trying not to cry while he stops himself from saying ‘I’m your son. can you love me now? can this version of you love me? can any?’#because. what’s he more afraid of. that Lucifer will abandon him. or that he will say yes and Jack will learn exactly what he lost.#so he won’t say anything. and he’ll try to figure out how to keep this lucifer from falling to pieces like his future condemns him to.#and he’ll stay right here with him until he finishes talking about the stars. and be held. and try not to feel selfish for enjoying it.#spn #lucifer spn #jack kline #u know me I’m v dramatic about them

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malachitezmeyka · 10 months ago

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Honestly I’d really like to make some kind of MLP AU or redesign/rewrite or whatever else of the sort because MLP was essentially my first fandom and it’s extremely nostalgic to me, but I’ve seen so many people do it already and have found myself physically incapable of producing something that isn’t blatantly copying what other people have done :/

#and yeah yeah I know that nothing in the world is truly original and everyone’s inspired by something #but I want to make smth that isn’t rehashing what I’ve already seen #and it’s hard bc redesigns and aus are kinda all the rage right now #and no I’m not talking about those infection aus bc while those are really cool and I’m not interested in making my own #I’m a really squeamish person. to the point I even avoid sick fics most of the time #so while I enjoy seeing a lot of those aus because I too had a creepypasta phase and it reminds me of cupcakes and rainbow factory vibe-wise #I’d probably throw up if I had to draw smth like that myself 😅#anyway. what I meant is some kind of rewrite where I’d get to explore themes that interest me more #maybe dig a little deeper than the earlier seasons of the show could afford in certain places #like coming up with a clearer reason for aj’s parents’ deaths. for instance #and also making next gens is basically my modus operandi at this point so while I’m not really interested in making kids for the mane 6 #I’d like to redesign them + their families to get to play with genetics a little.#but again. I’ve seen a lot of redesigns over the years and I’m afraid they would influence me too much for my liking #only reason I’m so worried is because last year I did doodle some ideas a little. for the CMCs in particular #and suddenly realised they were basically the grand galloping 20s au designs poorly drawn from memory in my style #and any ideas re: redesigning the actual pony species are essentially ripped off from skyscraper gods #as are some concepts about becoming an alicorn/gaining immortality and all hat #so… yeah. no #idk. I’ll think about it some more and maybe I can come up with some cool ideas that I can string together in some way #it might be really fun and would also give me a chance to let my sotrl hyperfixation rest a little #don’t get me wrong. I love the universe Kat and I created and my OCs and everything. but I’ve been going at it non stop for almost 4 years #sooner or later it’ll burn me out and I won’t be able to come up with anything for it anymore #and I literally don’t draw anything BUT sotrl #so it’d be nice to branch out a little. maybe I’ll finally feel less like I’m screaming into the void with my incredibly niche OCs #again. I don’t know. we’ll see if I’m struck with inspiration or smth #also coming up with ideas is like half of the problem lmao. horses are really hard to draw #even cartoon ones 😭😭 I was hyperfixated on mlp for most of my childhood and still never mastered it #I can barely draw humans lower than shoulder level let alone horses. but I’ll figure it out if I get a concrete au idea #okay I’ve been rambling for like half an hour. rant over I’m done

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spookyheaad · 2 years ago

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The KenUno actor AU has me in tears rn I am physically CRYING it’s so fucking cute

#I think I need to die like whole ass this counts as self torture #zaraki being bullied as a kid for having no eyebrows my baby we all love you #Unohana had to learn to move past a lot of self worth issues & insecurities but now she likes to have fun #Zaraki helped her open up even more because of how he tries to be kind and patient with ppl cause of growing up with very few friends #Unohana being afraid of falling in love with Zaraki at first because she felt she was not good enough #then Zaraki’s like ‘whoa I’m scared too!!’ Unohana’s like ‘why?’ - Zaraki goes ‘I have no fucking eyebrows that’s not really attractive’#they’re both insecure & find each other on the bleach set & are instantly drawn to one another - but extremely afraid #Unohana immediately responds with ‘but you’re very attractive ur lack of eyebrows didn’t change that’#then this big man has to hold back a couple stray tears cause no one’s ever said that to him before #I won’t just keep this in my tags I’m still writing this all out but yeah #KenUno #unoken #kenhana #bleach #bleach tybw #kenpachi zaraki #retsu unohana #yachiru unohana

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snakeater · 1 year ago

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the past 2 times i’ve slept i’ve had super realistic dreams about people being stabbed….whyyyy

#the first one freaked me out bc it was so real and i was the one doing it……. like i felt Everything it was so gross #i thought i was doing it to protect myself but when i realized what i was doing i got rly sad and woke up in the middle of the night lol #sorry for tmi but i’m kind of afraid to go to sleep now because it just feels so real -_-

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vigilantejustice · 2 years ago

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obvs logically dig that my. body/food issues are wildly nuanced + complicated things much bigger + more complex than this but it is very hard to stop feeling like wow can’t believe my entire problem is just having “too ugly to function” disorder that is so pathetic :(

#just feeling very very much like a person who is fundamentally broken #just feel wrong + gross on every level #pyschologically + emotionally + physically + socially #it just feels like it shouldn’t be this tricky to just be a functioning person #have definitely always felt like this but never ever to this extent + it has never impacted my ability to function the way it has since #the eating disorder developed. literally insane the way it has fully entirely truly ruined my life #and it’s such a loop that i just can’t get myself out of :(#but it’s hard to see how any amount of talk therapy is going to help me talk myself into having any self esteem at all y’know?#like genuinely without hyperbole can’t find one single thing to like #and just can’t figure out how anyone ever is supposed to be able to talk me around on myself #also hate this because it comes off inherently attention-seeky which is not what this is #anyways. just know if you’re thinking wow she should be over this by now that i’m also thinking the same thing #also know that i know how silly this sounds i just can’t express myself like an unhinged dummy anywhere else #actually to add to this because it comes off like it’s entirely a body issue #my self esteem is so far gone that my confidence re: performing in a workplace is nonexistent #i don’t recognise the me three years ago that was single handedly running the nursery room #it seems unbelievable it doesn’t feel like me #+ it kind of isn’t like it’s not me as i am now #i’m also just very afraid a lot of the time for no real valid reason #like whenever i drive i’m worried my car is going to break down in traffic #constantly convince myself my cat is going to get sick or checking the local police site whenever someone’s a little late #am very worried about getting back into a kindy setting + something awful happening #it’s just a lot of worry for no reason but that doesn’t stop it #anyways! the body/food stuff really is just the cherry on a very shitty cake #did you all miss me making absolutely no sense in the tags? in my defence it’s very late #personal

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sailorsleepymoon · 3 months ago

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Adding on to say that the YouTuber AntsCanada has a really good ongoing series at the moment about a MASSIVE vivarium he built, and a lot of the episodes are centered around the bugs that live in it. He starts putting in arachnophobia warnings about around episode 8 I think, but in general he has such a loving and humanizing way of narrating the activities various bugs that makes it really easy to find them cute, even if you don’t really like bugs. It’s not for everyone, but it’s worth a shot if you want to work on a fear of bugs.

Been working in pest control for 3 months now and i can confidently say that nobody on earth seems to understand that sometimes You Will See A Bugs and that's Normal if you live literally anywhere with oxygen

#ven.txt #there is one bug I’m really afraid of and it’s not reasonable at all #but in general I really like a lot of bugs and I’m never going to bother ones that are outside #I also am realizing I think I can trace the fear I do have to #to one or two specific events #and then I can remember some that very much reinforced it from the negative experience of Being Afraid #but also one of those experiences was hunting at camp for a shower stall without any of that kind of bug because my group had to use #the outdoor ones #finally finding one #starting to shower and then as I was in the middle of it spotting four seperate ones in the stall #and they were TINY stalls like not even three feet long of wide #and getting so freaked out I started getting genuinely lightheaded #genuinely for a bit I was worried I’d actually pass out and for from hitting my head on the cement #and also now I’m realizing I straight up could’ve hallucinated them in there with me #like they have very thin legs they can be hard to see. in being afraid I could’ve tricked myself into seeing them #like this was a long time ago I honestly don’t know #um but yeah anyway. bugs are actually mostly good and even though you’ might be scared of them #it doesn’t mean they’re bad or dangerous

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leieryx · 14 days ago

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hey if you are partaking in harassing bloggers about not voting or blaming (jokingly or otherwise) groups of minorities for the election loss please fuck off. the situation can be complicated but in this instance you KNOW better. you know better than to harass people and can direct your anger in better ways. if you will not, you better block me and leave. fighting people on the internet will not save you.

#I don’t even necessarily disagree with the idea that more could’ve been done but Jesus fucking Christ.#refusing to even kind of see the situation of those around you and instead yelling at everyone is so shitty.#a good hot tip for making people agree with you is probably NOT showing up in people’s anons to call them stupid or be racist. fuck offffff #ok I’m done being serious for now #I get that this is serious and dangerous but you’ve gotta temper that.#so it’s not directed at people experiencing what you’re afraid of #even when we’re upset. it should not be focused on people hurting too just because they’re easy to hit #log off.

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bassciven · 1 month ago

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like it’s not about all the little things that i keep saying are pissing me off. it’s the fact that i continuously feel like an afterthought in my own relationship because she’s too wrapped up in her own thoughts in her own head to notice the world around her and act like she isn’t the only one in it.

#i know i should just break up with her bc i keep making myself angrier and angrier and angrier at her #but i want to keep trying bc i know i’m mostly responsible for this #i’ve held in any and all reservations and negative (albeit possibly constructive in some cases) feedback #because she’s more skittish than a horse and she apologizes for so much as looking at me wrong when i haven’t said or done anything #i feel like i’m walking on eggshells trying not to make HER walk on eggshells #like she’s so fucking anxious around me that sometimes i worry that she’s afraid of me #i get that her S E V E R E anxiety is a her problem that i can’t fix #but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST don’t make me feel like i’ll send you into a panic attack for so much as breathing in your general direction #again this is kind of on me in that i knew she had severe anxiety and freaks out about everything LONG before we started dating #i just ignored it and thought with my stupid gay heart as it emerged from its cage for the first time in years #and now i’m facing the consequences of having not communicated any of my frustrations sooner #even though those frustrations were small and easy to shrug off #and i love her so i wanted to be able to shrug them off #i don’t want to give up on something when i feel like i haven’t even tried #i don’t want to give up just because it’s suddenly and FINALLY gotten hard #flower

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thiskindnessreturnsmetomyself · 1 month ago

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The vibes in my life today were so…. Sinister.

#I didn’t get paid today because my managers email never sent #so my time sheet never got submitted #and it got solved #but now I’m fucked for 2 weeks #THEN #my friend reappeared at school after 3 weeks #and bro they were so unwell #and I know they really struggle with intense mental health and I’m just like oh fuck dude #but #we have a group assignment due on Tuesday and I’m just like #do you want an extension like please just ask for an extension #and they’re committed to not asking for one #and I’m just like neat cool #but I just remember looking at them and being like #ur so not ok rn and I don’t know like what to say #and then I’m just like still really struggling with people #just like talking to people #and just not being fucking afraid #and I just have this ugly feeling that I’ll never make a right move again #and I’m just like ok cool #I just need to watch some hockey and #idk hope tomorrow is kinder #on a nice note #my prof was really kind #when I needed some mercy #and that allowed some room of relief

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gayabeilles · 4 months ago

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trying to make a roux with gluten free flour and I got scared when I saw black flecks bc I thought I’d burned it but no.

worse.

I melted the goddamn whisk.

#I thought it was heat resistant 🧍‍♂️#and it was coming along so well too :(((#turns out hot oil is. hot.#also by now I have made a second roux and added my vegetables and I’m gonna be honest I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that #maybe should have sought out a gluten-free recipe rather than trying to adapt a gluten-full one :/#it’s fine it’s fine it’ll come out good I’m sure just a little weird maybe lol #idk I will add on in the tags later with an update #UPDATE: it is Later and the result is. as anticipated: weird but almost certainly not how it was supposed to turn out lmao #the flour mix I used had xanthan gum and I think it fucked up the texture and made it a little slimy #there’s no corn starch in the flour mix but it kinda has that oobleck feel lmao #it is also disturbing to look at because it’s very much the Wrong Color #people on gluten free recipe websites said the roux shouldn’t be any darker than peanut butter if you’re using gf flour but I definitely #should have let it darken more. I was Afraid #the cookbook I’m using literally calls it Cajun napalm which is. hm. okay.#anyway I got nervous as I was making it and kept getting scared I was gonna burn it so I didn’t let it cook long enough probably #but all in all it tastes pretty good! even though there’s like 1/4 stick of butter per serving or some shit #it’s actually nuts like. what kind of French-influenced bullshit is this #TWO STICKS of butter are you for real!!!!! are you for real right now!!!! for EIGHT SERVINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway if anyone needs me I’ll be laying in a blob on the couch #glad it turned out good even though it also turned out weird. on brand tbh.

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