#because I talk to them enough that any fear has struck out of me

[waytoobsessed]

Half the time I interact with people it's because I got excited or I wasn't feeling nervous - Out of Glass

WAIT SAME THOUGH

[tiredfox64]

I had this idea based on Tomas's intro with Ashra about having nightmares about demons, that Tomas would have nightmares on the enenra but the nightmares would also include the reader getting hurt and fearing for her safety that something might happen to her, Tomas would keep his distance and avoid the reader as much as he can to try to keep her safe even going far as talking to other female warriors to make the reader think he has no interest in her which would leave her confused and heartbroken where she struggles with training and shuts down a lot leaving Hanzo, Kaui Liang and Harumi worried about the reader enough to send her to Wu She Academy.

Kuai Liang finally gets answers from Tomas and sends him to the academy to have Liu Kang help Tomas with his issue. Upon arrival, the reader does everything she can to avoid Tomas who feels extremely guilty, chases her down until they are in a room alone together and he breaks down to the reader.

The Pain You Made Me Face

Yip notes: It appears that we don’t want peace WE WANT PROBLEMS

Pairing: Tomas x Afab reader

Warnings‼️: Angst

“The worst are the Enenra,” that’s what Ashrah told Tomas once. He found her words to be true.

For many nights he has experienced the horrors of demons that were made of pure smoke and darkness. Malevolent beings that only the purest of hearts could witness. Yet they decide to infect his dreams with their retched forms.

With mouths as their heads and claws for hands, they’ve come to cause harm to the one he loves the most. You.

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A low, continuous groan is let out. There is a slight wheeze to it like the body it’s coming from has little to no air left. Tomas’ eyes turn to look for the source of the pained noise. His eyes land on your body as you lie on the ground.

He doesn’t want to believe it’s you but it seems too real. The cuts on your back are as fresh as could be. Your clothes were sunken into cut flesh. It looked like a ravenous beast ambushed you. Tomas wanted to run to you and help you, he needed to know who attacked you. The moment he took a step towards you a figure manifested behind you. A hunchbacked monster stood above your body. Its body waved like smoke off of a flame.

The Enenra started to shift and change its body. It slowly morphed into a more human shape. Tomas was frozen in place, forced to watch the Enenra become something else. It was changing itself to look like Tomas.

It was the shape of Tomas, but it was not him. Its body was still made of black smoke. Its hand reached down and grabbed hold of your hair. You didn’t make a sound. You were too tired to make a sound. You’re not gonna survive through this. Their other hand came around and showed that it was holding Tomas’ karambit. It gripped it tightly like there was rage involved. The hand lifted with the intent to strike your head with the sharp blade.

“NO!” Tomas yelled as he ran towards you.

The hand swung down with the point being inches away from your frontal lobe.

Gasp

And just like that Tomas was back in his bed. His body broke out in a cold sweat. His heart slammed against his chest before realizing that it was just another nightmare. A nightmare that is always the same. Visions of demons that come to attack you. This was the worst of them all. Morphing into him was a foul move. Yet it got him badly.

Tomas has been theorizing that his nightmares were bad omens. They were signs that something bad would happen to you. Why else would you be involved?

But this one really struck a nerve in him. He took a moment to think about what this nightmare meant. The Enenra became him before striking you. Could that mean that…he will hurt you? His heart dropped the second he thought of that conclusion. Even if it won’t be him that hurts you he feels like this demon will harm you because of him. He doesn’t want any harm to come to you. He’d never forgive himself.

This concern has been building up for so long and that last nightmare was the nail in the coffin. He loves you. You’re the one person who he finds solace in. When he’s with you he feels safe. The moment he sees you, the nightmare flashes in his head before he remembers it’s just a dream. You’re alive and well right in front of his eyes. And you look as beautiful as ever.

But he doesn’t want to sit around and wait for something bad to happen. He doesn’t want to wake up one day and find that you are no longer alive. A shiver ran up his spine just thinking about finding you the same way he sees you in his dreams. It’s sickening.

He had to make a choice. Continue spending time with you and risking your death, or distance himself and save you from a painful demise. He preferred the second option.

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It’s been nearly a month since Tomas started ignoring you. At first, you thought he was just tired from hunting down Bi-Han and dealing with restless sleep. He told you at some point that he was having nightmares constantly. He never went into specifics of what they were about, he just said they were nightmares. You reassured him that they were probably due to stress.

But no matter how hard you tried to make him relax he always experienced nightmares. You did everything you could, made him food, cheered him on during training, helped out with Hanzo, and much more. It did nothing to ease the tension inside of him. What did that leave you with?

Nothing. You had nothing. Not a thank you or a question if you could do something specific for him. All you got was him ignoring you.

You saw he wasn’t eating your cooking. Alright, maybe he wasn’t craving the dish you made. But then he started training by himself. The moment you’d walk up to him he’d say he just finished and walk off. He always seemed to be in a hurry to leave, like he wanted to get away from you immediately. It broke your heart when Hanzo started talking about how weird Tomas was when it came to you. When you asked what he meant he laid it all out.

“He won’t allow me to practice with you. When I’ve asked why, he says I can but he won’t stick around for it. And when I asked if he could bring you over so you could rewrap my wounds he told me to find you myself. That was rude.” Hanzo let out a huff since he was irritated by his mentor’s aggression.

You immediately reacted to that news. You felt your heart squeeze, it physically hurt.

“O-oh well…let’s deal with your bandages first.” You said softly.

Hanzo could see that you were trying to hold yourself together. You gave him a weak smile to reassure him that things were fine. But the sadness in your eyes says otherwise. He’s not dumb, he understands that something is wrong. Though he can see that you are just as clueless as him. He doesn’t say anything else for the remainder of the time.

Later that day you decided to confront Tomas on his behavior. You needed to know what was going on with him. Was he stressed? Did you say something? Was there an unknown reason? You had to find out. When you found him you were surprised by what he was doing.

He was surrounded by some of the female members. They were acting like lovesick teens who were talking to their crush at school. You could hear what they were saying to him.

“I wish you talked to us earlier, you’re so nice.” “Do you think you can help me practice later? I could really use your help.” “Damn, you’re really strong. I bet you could pick me up.” “You seem cuter up close.”

What is going on? Since when did he become a womanizer?

Your heart shattered the moment you realized what he was doing. He wanted you to see this. He wanted you to hear everything they were saying. How do you know? He was looking at you. Tomas was occasional glancing at you. He knew you were there. And yet he wasn’t giving you the time of day. He was smiling at these girls as they praised and flirted with him.

All went numb. You barely felt your heart pumping. The noises around you became dull as you turned around and walked away. With your back towards Tomas, you missed as his eyes lost any hint of happiness in them. When you were out of sight he excused himself from the girls and walked away. There, it was done. Maybe now you’ll keep your distance.

You did just that. You kept your distance…from everyone. That wasn’t his plan.

You were so confused and heartbroken by Tomas’ actions. You felt like you were being led on this whole time. He was playing with your heart, pulling at the heartstrings before cutting them in one fell swoop. You are left with the remnants of your heart. You tried to put it back together and continue living but it was harder than you could imagine. Everyone could see how you struggled except Tomas.

Hanzo already knew you were in a tough place. He went to check on you the day after he spoke with you, only to hear you crying in your room. He felt in his gut that something bad happened. He’s not good at dealing with other’s emotions, he can’t even control his own, so he walked off. He tried getting your mind off whatever happened by asking you two to train together but that fell flat. He would ask if you could teach him something you’ve been wanting to teach him, only for you to forget what that move was. When you two tried to spar, your arms were in a weak position. It was like you forgot how to fight. Hanzo knew that it was really bad then. He told Kuai Liang about your situation since he could only do so much.

Kuai Liang thought it would be good if Harumi checked in first. It might be a woman issue. One day she came knocking at your door and asking if she could come in. You let out an unenthusiastic ‘sure” and she came in. She thought bringing you some mixed fruits would make you feel better. A fresh bowl of your favorite fruits, how could you say no?

She sat with you and slowly tried to work her way into the issue. She would ask how you’ve been feeling and how training was going. You’d start talking but then just stop. Harumi thought you were trying to think but then you would tell her you forgot what you were about to say. You did the same with the fruit. You would start taking bites then suddenly stop. It’s like you were repulsed by it and would put the half-bitten honeydew back into the bowl. Then a minute later you’d go back to eating. There was certainly a disruption in your mind to be causing these pauses.

Harumi made the mistake of saying something about Tomas. She never knew there was a problem between you two.

“Did you want me to bring Tomas here? I know he makes you feel better.” She gave you a warm smile, thinking that was the right move.

She grew worried once she saw your lips quiver before you bit your bottom lip. You swallowed hard; she could see it was difficult for you to do that. You looked like you were in pain from doing that.

“I’m…feeling tired. I think I should take a nap.”

You didn’t give Harumi time to respond to that. You lay down and curled up. She took the bowl of fruit and said okay. All the progress she made was trashed the moment she talked about Tomas. It did give her an idea that it was him that was troubling you. She said goodbye and to rest well. The moment she closed the door you felt tears slip down your face.

Harumi informed Kuai Liang of everything. Now he believes this is more of a him issue since it’s his brother. He gave you time to nap, or cry actually, and he would talk to you the next day.

The next day rolled around and he saw you wandering around outside. Your movements seemed as sluggish as a zombie’s. You were clearly not okay. He went up to you and walked by your side. He didn’t say anything for a minute, he waited to see if you wanted to speak first. But since you didn’t he would say something.

“I have heard from others that you have not been yourself recently. Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked in a firm but warm tone.

“…no, I’m fine, just tired.”

“Is that so? Are you sure it has nothing to do with Tomas?” he asked bluntly.

You stopped in your tracks. Your body shook as the tears came rolling out. Your loud cries told Kuai Liang how upset you were. He pulled you into a warm embrace in an effort to comfort you. He hears you ask why continuously. There was more that you wanted to say but your tears choked you up. Kuai Liang guided you to a nearby bench to sit on.

He waited for you to calm down so he could ask what the problem was. For a good five minutes, you were unable to say much. You’d cough and stop breathing for a second every time you wanted to say something. You collected yourself eventually and you spilled everything. You talked about Tomas’ distance and how he’s purposely doing it. You saw it with your own eyes and you don’t know what you could have done to deserve this.

Kuai Liang was shocked to hear that his brother was doing all that. He knew how crazy Tomas was about you. He knew he was planning to ask you out eventually. Why would he switch up like this? No one said this grandmaster mess would be easy.

This was a messy situation and he had to organize it. He knew keeping you with the Shirai Ryu would do no good. Having Tomas close by and having people continuously ask you what’s wrong won’t help. He would have to sadly send you away. But he knows a place that will openly accept you.

“I want you to listen to me. I want you to go to the Shaolin at the Wu Shi Academy. They will help with this heartache. I will figure out the problem. But you cannot continue going on in this state. I want you to feel better. Once you are better, you will be with the Shirai Ryu again.”

You listened to Kuai Liang and what he suggested. You knew he wasn’t kicking you out. He only wants you to heal. To heal, you must separate yourself from the situation. The Shaolin will definitely help with that.

You accepted his proposal. He said he would send you off in the morning and told you to pack your essentials. You got up and started packing for your healing journey.

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A few days passed since you went to the Wu Shi. That information stayed between Kuai Liang, Harumi, and Hanzo. Only they knew where you were. Word spreads fast however and soon lots of people realized you were missing. That word got to Tomas. His heart stopped the moment he found out you with MIA. His thoughts were interrupted when Kuai Liang asked to speak with him.

Kuai Liang took him to his office to speak in private. The moment the door closed Tomas was quick to ask if he knew where you were.

“Kuai Liang, I’ve been hearing from others that they haven’t seen-“

“Yes, I know. She is fine. I know where she is.” He responded bluntly.

Tomas let out a sigh of relief knowing that you were still alive. Worry set in again once he saw the disappointed look in Kuai Liang’s eyes.

“The reason I had to send her away,” Kuai Liang hesitated to say the last part, “…was because of you.”

“What?! Me? I know I wanted to distance myself from her but I didn’t mean for her to leave the clan.”

“So you admit that you did it on purpose? What is the matter with you? I thought you loved her. You do not drive people that you love away. So tell me, why did you do it?” Kuai Liang’s harsh tone got to Tomas. It made him feel like the bad guy when all he wanted to do was keep you safe.

He gave in. He told his brother the truth. He explained the dreams about the Enenra and how you always got hurt. He explained how traumatic the last one seemed to him and it was his breaking point. He felt like he would be the cause of your pain or even your death. He could never live with himself if he saw the signs and did nothing about it.

Kuai Liang saw how erratic Tomas was acting. The guilt and fear were eating the man alive. He found Tomas’ actions to be idiotic but he knew he would make a mistake himself if he were in the same situation. If this Enenra issue was truly a cause for concern he would have to fix it immediately. He can’t help his brother but maybe Liu Kang could. He’s a god, why wouldn’t he deal with demons?

“Tomas, you need to fix this, all of this. Go to Liu Kang to see if he can help you. If not, the Wu Shi could definitely do something for you. While you are there, I want you to apologize for what you have done.” He left it at that.

Tomas was a bit confused by the last part but he understood that he needed help for this. He agreed to leave in the morning to see Liu Kang at the Wu Shi Academy. After that, he will make everything right with you. That’s if he can fix your broken heart.

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Tomas was at the academy by the next day. He urgently asked to see Liu Kang but the monks informed him that Liu Kang was in Outworld right now. They told him he would return in a few days. They let him know he could stay in a spare room until Liu Kang returned since they could see Tomas was a mess. He was in desperate need of the fire god.

He settled down quickly and thought about finding Kung Lao and Raiden to catch up with them. When he went around looking for them he was surprised to see a familiar face. It was you. You were with Kung Lao and Raiden. You were sparing with Kung Lao who was going easy on you since you were still recovering. What Kuai Liang said before now made sense to Tomas. He needed to apologize to you. He walked up to you which stopped Kung Lao in his tracks. You were confused until you turned around to see the man who broke your heart. Your expression turned sour quickly.

“Hey…” He said softly.

“Hey…I gotta go.” Without letting him speak you walked away from him. It didn’t matter if you weren’t finished with your fight, you needed to leave.

You left Tomas stunned as Kung Lao gave him a disapproving nod. He would be experiencing that until Liu Kang returned.

Tomas wanted to apologize for his actions. He wanted to say he was sorry for hurting you and explain why he did it. He knows his fears are not an excuse, but you still deserve to know the reason. But every attempt was a failure. You treated him like he treated you.

You walked away and acted like you had somewhere to be. You spent your time around Raiden and Kung Lao, almost using them as bodyguards. You would meditate for hours with the other monks to prevent Tomas from disturbing you. You pulled a reverse on him.

Every failure made his heart hurt. He sees that what he did was stupid and did more harm than good. He learned his lesson and he wants to beg you to give him a chance. The guilt inside of him will drive him insane. Even if Liu Kang helps him with his Enenra problem the guilt will stay with him forever. He’s made everything worse by being a fool.

It got to the point that Raiden and Kung Lao had to confront him. Raiden was more passive while Kung Lao was giving him a mean eye. They told him to back off. They said they knew what happened and don’t think it’s a good idea to make amends now. Tomas begged them to help him out. He explained everything and Raiden actually grew concerned about the Enenra problem.

Although they understood, they told him they couldn’t force you to accept an apology right now. They will be easier on him but they won’t force you to do anything. Tomas was still on his own in this situation.

It would still be another day till Liu Kang returned. If Tomas is gonna make it up to you he has to do it now. He had patience and waited for nighttime. You’d be pretty tired by the point so it’d be easier to catch you. The moment he saw you walking into the building you were staying in he followed you.

You didn’t see Tomas once and you thought he took the hint to leave you be. But when you went to close the door to your room it was stopped by someone. You looked back to see Tomas who did not look like the same man you loved before. His eyes were tired like he hadn’t slept for days. There was no sparkle to them. It’s just a void of guilt left behind. For a second you wanted to forget the pain he put you through and hug him. But to deny what happened won’t fix anything. He has to live with the consequences of his actions.

“Please, I know you are mad at me but I want to make this right. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry is not gonna cut it. Just leave me alone already.” You tried pushing the door but he was much stronger than you. He pushed his way in and shut the door behind him.

“I know it won’t but I’ll make it up to you. I never meant to hurt you I swear. I just wanted to keep you safe.”

“Safe? From what exactly? You’re not making any sense!”

“I’ll explain everything if you give me a chance! Just please believe me when I say I never meant to harm you.” His voice cracked as he struggled to keep himself together.

Your eyes widened after hearing him speak. His eyes grew wet and soon you heard him take deep, shaky breaths. Tomas ran up to you and hugged you tight. He hugged you as if he were to lose you again. He let out all of his emotions. Tears streamed down his face and droplets fell onto your back.

“I’m…so sorry. You’re the best thing…that’s ever happened to me. I’m an idiot for driving away the woman I love.”

Your arms slowly went up as you decided to hug him back. It was by instinct; your mind was more occupied with what he was saying.

“I just couldn’t imagine finding you dead one day…because of me. I saw it happen so many times I couldn’t take it anymore!”

“Tomas!” You had to yell to get his attention, “You’re still not making any sense. Breathe, we’re gonna figure this out right now.”

You pulled away from him so you could guide him to your bed. You had him lie with you. You waited for him to calm down and gather his thoughts to tell you why he was acting up. Once he did, he explained the whole situation. The nightmares, the Enenra, your death, and the mimic. He told you how scared he would be in his dreams and when he’d wake up. He talked about how he thought it was a bad omen that would eventually happen and it would be his fault for not doing anything.

“Tomas…why didn’t you tell me from the start?”

“I didn’t want to scare you. I was scared myself.” His eyes shifted down as he struggled to look into your eyes after saying that.

You took hold of his head and forced him to look at you, “Even if I was scared, I’d know you would never hurt me. I would have done everything to help you figure out what was wrong. I love you too much to let you go through this alone.”

Your vision blurred as the tears came up again. It’s fine, Tomas has the same blurred vision since he’s about to cry as well. You brought his head closer to yours and gave him a gentle kiss. It was a kiss that told him that everything would be alright and you loved him.

He brought you close to him and held you in his arms. He wanted to have you close after distancing himself for so long. He wanted to smell your scent and have his fingers play with your hair. He wanted you.

Emotions are quite draining. It sure made you two sleepy. The tears died down and the only emotions left were relief and love. You held each other and slowly fell asleep. Your once weakened bond was now strengthened.

That was the first night Tomas had no nightmares.

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Morning came and Tomas told you that he had to see Liu Kang immediately. He let you know that he wanted to ask the god for help. You two walked hand in hand to find Liu Kang to sort out this situation.

The fire god was surprised to see you two here. He immediately knew something was wrong when he looked at Tomas’ tired expression. Once again he went over the whole Enenra problem which Liu Kang took seriously. He asked Ashrah for help to deal with this pesky demon. The duo got to work as you stayed by Tomas’ side.

For hours they tried to figure out where this all was coming from. And although there was an Enenra messing with Tomas’ mind, that’s all it did. It could do nothing else to him. It was only there to weaken him into an unhealthy state. It wanted to gain a hold of his physical form. Seeking out Liu Kang was the right decision since the task became unworthy to the demon.

So in the end, the Enenra failed. Those nightmares were purely nightmares.

“See, told you they were just dreams.” You said.

“No need to rub it in.”

Yap notes: So when I first started writing this I was watching As Above, So Below cause I'm a sucker for Dante's Inferno stuff. Tell me why they threw a smoke bomb in the movie. Where do you just casually get one? It was in France so things could be a little unorganized. Also I'm too emotional sometimes. I want to sleep now. Adiós!

[sixofcrowdaydreams]

I was incredibly lucky enough to get to visit London and see Next to Normal twice in the short time I was there (and meet Jack Wolfe at the stage door!) But lots of fans might not have the same opportunity, so I wanted to share some details about the production and the changes/additions made to the performance since the Donmar production because I remember eagerly reading as many details as possible once upon a time.

Obviously, spoilers ahead for acting choices and stage directions. (Personally, I love spoilers and knowing what to look for in a production, but if you have the chance to see the show and want to be surprised, this is a good place to stop reading.

First off, Diana is shown as waaaaaay more crazy. Her behavior is far more erratic and there's never a moment when you think she's lucid and in control. Personally, I liked this change because I felt like in the Donmar production she was too... normal? She didn't quite behave as the person who broke down in the market, set the house on fire, crashed the car, and jumped in the swimming pool. Here, I completely believe she did all those things. Diana is hypersexual, ripping her top off as she runs past Natalie in the beginning to go have sex with Dan. She plants a kiss on Henry, to Natalie's utter horror, the first time she meets him. (Dan does not react to this, haha, he's used to it.) All of Diana's interactions with with therapists have an undercurrent of overly flirty, sexual dialog. Obviously, this is one sided and unreciprocated from the therapists. At one point she tells the therapist that she's flattered, but her husband is waiting in the car and it's impossible to see it as anything other than super sexual. (She's kinda into it though...) Diana lays curled on the floor more often clutching her head. You never doubt that she is manic.

Let's talk about Gabe.

Jack Wolfe rewrote the role of Gabe, there's no denying that. Instead of the menacing looming ghost, all American jock ghost, Jack plays him as a soft boy. The ultimate soft boy. And I didn't know it was possible, but he ramped that energy up 100% in this production. Jesus christ, he couldn't have been any more adorable if he stood on stage batting his eyelashes. Not only is Gabe played as a soft boy, he's particularly played as being very child-like. It's quite the duality. He has the body and mentality of a supposed 18 year old. He makes a joke about not taking coke "right now," and taunts his father with the location of the car keys at the beginning of the show. Later he reminds his mother that young people in love are horny.

Yet, Gabe's emotional responses, reactions to those around him are extremely childish. It really struck me how similar his expressions of joy, fear, and anger were to my toddler. Eerily similar. In a new addition, his face lights up with uncontrolled joy, giggling when he sees the music box. (His music box.) Gabe jumps to sit on the counter, and hugs it to his chest as he and Diana listen to the music.

There are moments when he is hurt by watching his parents fight and looks absolutely wounded. Like, shoulder hunched, chin tucked in looking down completely betrayed. Another new addition to this production includes Gabe turning his head away and closing his eyes as his mother flushes her pills down the drain. He does not want to see her do it. The dialog is a little at odds with this action because he still tells Diana that he thinks she's being very brave even though he visibly disagrees with her choice.

Gabe recoils in fear during the "chair moment" in a way you wouldn't expect from a young man. When Gabe and Dan crowd Diana during "I Am the One" she lashes out and grabs the chair, swinging it around, forcing them both away from her. Gabe jumps backward in surprise. But this time he also runs behind the counter, visibly terrified that his mother's anger is directed at him. He ducks as she swings the chair, unlike Dan, who is still on the same side of the counter as her and backs out of the way but continues singing and engaging with her, unlike Gabe who does it from a safe distance.

And when Diana's memories of Gabe, and Gabe himself returns after shock therapy, he unleashes the "I'm Alive Reprise" with what I can only describe as the same chaotic gleeful energy my toddler has when my kid starts evil cackling. It's a loud, full body laugh of delight that no one else takes any amusement in that, but that does not stop the child from enjoying it. It's a wild moment in the production. Gabe literally rolls around on top of the counter in delight at being unleashed.

Gabe is also more physically affectionate toward Diana. He hugs her several times and kisses her head. If he gets the opportunity to touch her, he will. In one poignant moment, Dr. Madden convinces Diana to look at Gabe's baby items and start letting go. Gabe tries to get her attention by attempting to hold her hand in order make her talk to him, and instead of taking it, she walks away and leaves him reaching toward her. He is devastated. In the Donmar production Diana and Gabe sat against the counter and leaned on one another. In this production that moment was substituted for Gabe kneeling on the floor and Diana lying on the floor and putting her head in Gabe's lap. He strokes her hair and reassures her.

Instead of seeming jealous or spiteful toward Natalie, Gabe seems enraptured with her. No sibling rivalry here. He tries, unsuccessfully, to get her attention several times and even places his hand over hers on the counter in a moment of comfort, not that she notices. In this production Gabe does not put Diana's purse or bag of pills in front of his sister, starting her addiction. She finds them herself.

This production solved one of the problems I originally had with "Super Boy and the Invisible Girl" in the Donmar production. In the original original New York run Gabe was played by Aaron Tveit as the very jock, athletic all American boy, which is in strict contrast to Natalie, the dorky anxious sister. At the end of the song Gabe joins Natalie singing, "she's not there," until his voice overpowers her and takes over the song as a vocal reminder that he's the favored child. Obviously, the Donmar production didn't do this because Gabe changed to soft boy energy. So Gabe joining the end of the song, singing at Natalie made less sense that the two are no longer in competition. THIS PRODUCTION instead had both Gabe and Natalie singing the end of "Super Boy and the Invisible Girl" to Diana, which was completely brilliant. Diana curls up on the floor clutching her head as both turn their attention toward her. Natalie stands at the top of the stairs and Gabe stands on the counter, both looming over Diana on the floor (asking her why she is not present in their lives and almost accusing her for casting them in the roles of Super Boy and Invisible Girl.)

Gabe is also present in more moments than the original Donmar production. He lurks in the background of several more scenes that did not feature him at the Donmar. This is an excellent choice. He joins Diana during her therapy session when she is hypnotized. Diana makes the joke about turning the light on at the bottom of the stairs to Gabe, both of them being playful and sharing teasing glances because they doubt the success of the hypnosis. (Jokes on Gabe) As Diana falls further into hypnosis, Gabe becomes less visible on stage until he's completely eclipsed behind Dr. Madden and cannot be seen at all even though he's still on stage standing behind the doctor. Gabe tails Diana through the house like a sad puppy afterward when she goes upstairs and retrieves the "baby box."

Gabe did not "try" to make his mother commit suicide. He grabbed his backpack and a dufflebag and started to walk out the door until Diana sang, "I'd die to dance with you." She had already made up her mind to die before Gabe turns around and begins to sing "There's a World." He seemed to help her after she already made her choice. It was less coaxing her into suicide and more guiding her through it, reassuring her of the what came at the end and how he would be there with her.

Gabe watches while Dan cleans up Diana's suicide attempt. He shows up just in time for Dan to sing the lyric, "And there's no one around," disproving Dan's claim that he's all alone. Now, looking this up, it seems like Gabe is supposed to be in this scene, but I have NO MEMORY of Gabe at this part in the original Donmar production. That could just be my faulty memory though. This scene really strengthens their confrontation later in "I Am the One Reprise." I also have no memory of the "sonogram scene" at the Donmar though I distinctly remember reading about it and was actively watching for the moment when Gabe stood on the upper floor and the curtain dropped, casting him in silhouette reminiscent to a sonogram while Diana listens to the music box. So maybe I'm just not remembering correctly? Still, this scene was also excellent and haunting as Gabe hummed the music box melody. The humming was beautiful and it broke me.

At one point in this production, Gabe almost touches his father, but pulls away first. Gabe, desperate to be acknowledged, stands in front of Dan, who reaches forward to touch Diana. Gabe quickly retreats in fear, and throws himself out of the way to avoid touching his father.

I'm not particularly sure anything changed during "I Am the One Reprise," but it's my favorite scene of the entire show, so I'm gonna talk about it. Because hot damn. Before this moment Diana talks to Natalie and sings "Maybe" While they talk Dan and Gabe are sitting against opposite side of the counter. (Dan in the front on the far left hands clutching his head, Gabe behind the counter on the far right curled into a ball, arms wrapped around his knees, forehead on his knees) When Diana finally tells Natalie (and the audience) how her older brother died, Gabe perks up at the mention of his name. He slowly unfolds, sits up, and listens as if it is the first time he's heard it too. Then Diana sings "So Anyway," and leaves. Both men watch her go. (To my utter amusement, Gabe turns into a prairie dog standing up on his knees -- again, reminding me of my toddler who does the same thing in order to sit up and see better -- as Diana leaves.)

Dan stands and starts singing "I Am the One Reprise" to Diana. But Gabe stands and starts singing the reprise to Dan. Then he gets to, "I know you told her that I'm not worth a damn, But I know you know who I am." And then the music cue drops.

It's so powerful.

For the first time Gabe looks angry. Confrontational. He demands to be recognized by his father while Dan denies his presence and begs him to go away. In a stunning leap of athleticism, Gabe jumps on the counter and grabs Dan from the back. It's almost violent. Dan struggles but Gabe refuses to let go until Dan spins around they lock onto each other's forearms and sing the same verse. It's so emotionally charged. Both actors are cry and yell at each other as they sing.

Then Dan starts to pull away and Gabe desperately reaches out trying to hold him again, but unable to from his position on the counter. He continues to reach out despite Dan growing farther away. it's heartbreaking. Dan finally says Gabe's name and recognizes him. It's all Gabe has wanted from his father the entire show. Gabe is so happy in this moment. They look like they are going to continue talking, but Natalie comes in and asks her father, "It's just us?" Now, I remember the line being "It's just the two of us?" at the Donmar, but it's been a hot minute, so I could be wrong (again). But I like, "It's just the two of us?" better because it forces Dan to deny Gabe once again. Dan deliberately looks over at Gabe on the counter before agreeing with Natalie. And Gabe just... gives up. He got the 10 seconds of acknowledgement he wanted from his father. Dan said his name and Gabe's content with that much even though Dan denies him once again in front of Natalie.

Gabe slowly gets off the counter, touches Natalie's hand, though she's unaware, and walks upstairs like a sad little ascending angel who watches over his remaining family.

Other thoughts:

I may not have talked nearly as much about the rest of the cast, but they were all perfect. I loved everyone's voice. Dan was sooooo sympathetic and I love him more and more each time I see the show. Natalie's voice is gorgeous. Stunning. Diana is an unreliable narrator and I think the audience often forgets that.

There are so many props in this set, it must be a nightmare to restock for each show. The food Diana throws around making sandwiches is real, as is the disastrous dinner. (During Diana and Dan's argument they clean up and Diana just throws the dishware into the trash, not just the food, the pan and bowl too and it feels so in character.) Everything else just gets shoved into the sink, haha. The sink does have running water. The birthday cake seems like a prop though and Diana did her best to keep the candles lit while she raced around the stage looking for her dead son. From the balcony on my first viewing I had a really good view of the baby box and saw the exact moment the "blood" began to leak from it. It happened very quickly before the stage turned around, which made me think the it was remote controlled and not set on a release timer (though it probably could be. Every movement from everyone on stage is extremely coordinated even though they are not dancing.) Sitting closer to the stage, the box seemed to leak from all four corners -- I'm just a weirdo who likes knowing these production details.

The cast popping out of the fridge was way funnier during "Psychopharmacologist and I" because they opened the fridge was used it as an ordinary fridge during the opening song. So it was totally unexpected.

Only one person audibly reacted in the audience to Gabe's death reveal between the two shows I saw. Lol. Everyone else went in knowing.

Jesus christ, I have no idea how the actors wore long sleeves and pants on stage. I sat four rows back on the second viewing and I WAS HOT from the stage lights and I wasn't running around the stage like they were. They definitely were visibly sweating.

A friend pointed out that the cast were using American accents, which I didn't realize. For the most part they sounded fine, especially compared to the interviews where the cast use in their natural accents. The most shocking difference was Natalie's actress -- she had the best American accent compared to her strong irl accent. Dan's actor too! Both Jacks couldn't quite cover up their soft vowels so my American ear didn't realize they were using an American accent when I heard their natural ones so clearly.

There were several stage mishaps the second time I saw the production. The curtain that goes up and down on the upper levels of the stage knocked over the "I'm Alive" microphone stand when it when down, knocking the mic off. The mic popped off and bounced down the stairs and rolled off the back of the stage where production presumably grabbed it. The actors picked up the mic stand and put the mic back on it in the next scene. The same microphone stand fell down again when Gabe turned around and his red backpack knocked it over. He picked it up very quickly.

During my "Psychopharmacologist and I" one of Dan's pill bottles, being used as a shaker, exploded. The actor froze for a second, then kept going as the "pills" scattered across the stage. He just put his empty hand in the pocket of the medical coat and continued. When the song ended, a production manager came out, apologized, and said the stage needed to be reset. All the actors left as the stage was swept. The audience looked at their phones for 5 minutes and then the production started again.

Next to Normal was such a joy to see. Like, yes, I saw it because of Jack Wolfe and he was absolutely a highlight of it. But I was never bored without him on stage. Though I did think "So Anyway" was a bit too long, but that's my personal opinion and the effect of jet lag may have influenced that thought. All of the cast and their voices were incredibly talented and I'm glad to be familiar with the show now.

This is long enough, but if you have any questions about the production, please ask! I am happy to answer questions to help those who might be able to see it in person visualize what happened on stage.

[artist-issues]

I’m bored and I really enjoy your opinions on Disney, so I thought you might have something interesting to say to get my brain ticking. I came across a post on Frozen and I was like, “Ah, a perfect starting place for dropping you an ask.” I’ve never really been that bothered by Frozen and I don’t know what it is that I’m just not fond about. Maybe it’s that I dislike the characters? Maybe it’s that they didn’t really have any established rules for the way magic worked in that universe and thus had anything they wanted happening? Maybe it’s the twist villain? I don’t know, it’s probably just the characters that they tried to make so cool and girlboss!

Elsa is made out to be this awesome protagonist that is never in the wrong and that grates me. She has flaws, but the film doesn’t act like they’re flaws. She runs away out of fear and shame for not being able to control her powers, but then two seconds later she’s singing “Let It Go” and making giant ice castles and bringing snowmen to life?! And “Let It Go” is super annoying for the fact that Elsa starts off worried and upset (fair enough, she’s just ran away from her home, her kingdom, her sister whom she hasn’t seen in years, she lost control of her powers) but then immediately turns round and is like, “Actually, it’s not my fault and I’m fine as I am and I don’t need any of those responsibilities!” Which would be fine, but she also finishes the film with the same attitude!

Anna, too! Naive and optimistic and perhaps a little too trusting, she never realises that even if Han hadn’t turned out evil, Elsa had every right to be worried over their marriage. She never realises that it’s partly her fault for revealing Elsa’s powers (and she definitely doesn’t apologise). There’s a lot she doesn’t realise, and the only lesson she takes away from it all is that Christoff loves her instead of Han.

Oh my days, I’ve just realised how ridiculously long this has gotten, super sorry! Have a lovely day!

Let’s do this! For fun!

1. They don't need to establish exhaustive rules for how magic works in their world.

Red Riding Hood doesn't explain how the Big Bad Wolf can talk-it just explains that he can. Cinderella doesn't explain how Fairy Godmothers work, or why the spell should only last until midnight—it just explains that she casts one, and it does only last until midnight. Beauty & the Beast does not explain how, after The Beast has died, the "breaking of the curse" could bring him back to life. After Belle confesses her love, he should just go from dead beast to dead human, for all the explanation they give.

Beauty & the Beast also famously refuses to explain (explicitly) why all of the household were cursed, along with the castle and the Prince. But what it does explain is, "there's a curse, it was put in place because of a defect in the Prince's character, and there's a time limit on it's ability to be removed, which can only happen if the defect in his character is overcome."

The whole point of having magic in the story is just as a tool...to create a plot. You don't have to explain everything; you just have to explain what will affect the characters. So, Frozen says, very plainly in the beginning: "you can either be born with magical powers or cursed with them in this world, and trolls are the experts on how magical powers work. The way Elsa's specific magical powers work is, they're beautiful, but powerful, and they're tied to her emotions. Therefore, if her negative emotions control her, her negative emotions control those powers. Also, if you're struck with magical powers in the head, the effects can be removed with memory alteration. If you're struck with magical powers in the heart, the effects can only be removed by an act of True Love.

Also, here's an explanation of what counts as 'True Love." They actually do way more explaining than the average fairy tale. And they set you up really nicely to receive that explanation by having the opening scene be a song that describes Ice Magic as “beautiful/powerful/dangerous/cold/ice has a magic can't be controlled.” Etc.

If you were wondering what limits there are on Elsa's powers, and whether or not she can just make anything out of ice, and how it's possible for her to bring inanimate snow to life

—well, you're focusing on the wrong things for this kind of story.

It's not that important for a fairy tale like this one. In a superhero story, limitations on powers would be important. Because the point of a superhero story is, "how am I going to take selfless responsibility for what I'm able to do?" And if you don't know the boundaries on "what I'm able to do," then you can't communicate that point clearly. That's why we need to know that Superman can see through just about everything, but not lead. That's why you need to know that Elastigirl can't stretch in the cold. You can't know how to take responsibility for your abilities if you don't know what they are and are not.

But Elsa? The point of Elsa having powers is not as a metaphor for her unique skills. That's what it would be in a superhero movie.

Like, in superhero movies, Spidey's ability to stick to walls is supposed to be a reference to like, your ability to...l don't know, draw really well. How is Spidey going to use his ability to stick to walls for the good of others = how are you going to use your ability to draw for the good of others, because it's something special and unique to you, you have something to offer, are you going to use it selflessly, etc.

But for Elsa, that's not what it's about. Her powers are just a metaphor for how what's going on inside of her effects everyone around her, relationally. And it's still relatable. But not in a "skills" way. Just like all of us non-superpowered people: "if you let fear control you, you'll hurt everyone around you. But if you let love cast out fear, you'll love and be loved."

That's what's so good about this movie. When you look at it like that, you realize the powers aren’t the point.

Elsa isolates because she thinks that'll keep her from hurting everyone (fear controls her) but actually, by isolating, she's still hurting everyone-nobody in the kingdom gets to see their beloved ruler, and her sister is hurt, relationally, and feels unloved and shut-out, enough to trust the first scoundrel she meets-etc. See how the powers just make the story interesting, but they're not the point of the story? If Elsa's powers were replaced by "frantic outbursts of human temper" the story could be told in a lot of the same ways. But that's a post for another time.

So I don't think you disliked it because of the powers not being "established." "Whatever they wanted to have happen" did not happen, in the story. They laid out the rules that were relevant—“if fear controls you, it'll lead to great danger/but an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart."—and then they followed those rules in an interesting and consistent way.

2. The "twist" villain worked perfectly for the story.

A good villain is supposed to be the opposite of whatever your story's message is. Frozen's is, "Self-Sacrificial Love Casts Out Fear." Elsa is afraid she'll hurt everyone around her, and afraid that makes her unloveable-so she's a control freak over her circumstances. Anna is also afraid she's unloveable-simply because she's shut out and unknown-so she's always trying to control who she keeps in her life. Hans is both "unknown" and "controlling." He's "unknown" in two ways—1, nobody sees him in the shadows of his brothers in his own kingdom, and 2, nobody in Arendelle "knows" his true nature, especially not Anna. But the difference is, where our heroes don't like being unknown, Hans does, and uses it to his advantage, because he's also "controlling." But unlike our heroes, who learn that "control" is not the way to love, Hans is willing to do anything to stay in control. Which is, always, rooted in fear, too. Hans is just afraid he'll never get a throne. So. You see that he foils the two main characters perfectly.

But the main point of Hans is that he's not self-sacrificial, he's self-serving, which is the opposite of what the story claims "True Love" is.

Why's the "twist" part important? Because he uses the main characters' fears as a weapon to serve himself, and he couldn't have done that, for these two particular characters, by being anything but a liar. Anna is afraid she won't ever be loved, so he pretends to love her to get something for himself. Elsa is afraid she'll hurt everyone, so Hans pretends to be protecting everyone from her. And honestly, that's another core of the movie-love that is self-sacrificial, true love, can't be separated from truth. Anna can't really "truly love" Elsa in a way that HELPS Elsa feel loved if she doesn't know Elsa's flaws. Elsa can't "truly love" Anna if she's refusing to know Anna by always shutting her out. And Hans comes along and doesn't let himself be "truly known." Perfect.

So, the movie says "Self-Sacrificial Love Casts Out Fear" and Hans, the villain, says, "Self-Service Uses Fear As a Weapon."

So I don't think you disliked the "twist" villain. Because it wasn't just an empty "shock-jock, look how edgy we are, to make the Prince the bad guy" move. It was the right move, for this story and these characters.

3. I think your definition of "so cool" and "girlboss" might be different from what l understand those terms to mean, because none of the characters fit those descriptions.

Anna (as we understand her throughout the story) is introduced like this:

And she's constantly dropping stuff and getting into awkward social situations-and she basically makes zero correct decisions, for the entire adventure. Tries to fight wolves like a girlboss-and instead accidentally knocks her guide out of the sleigh and has to be thrown to safety while she ruins his livelihood. Tries to climb a cliff with zero experience-looks ridiculous and falls. Tries to talk her sister into lifting a curse and insists that she knows best because her sister would never hurt her-gets crippled, because her sister absolutely does hurt her, and totally fails. Tries to marry a handsome prince-really bad judgement of character, totally duped, basically would've died without help from the weakest and most mentally-confused character in the movie, Olaf. The only "girlboss" moment you could argue she had was punching Hans in the face at the end of the movie, and I would argue that that one moment, in the face of all her failures and humiliation throughout the movie, and in the face of him as a vile villain? That moment is okay.

Also, the whole way they pace that moment is still in-character for Anna. It's still like she's not doing the "dignified" thing. She delivers her little one liner, "the only frozen heart around here is you," and then turns around to walk away with her nose in the air, like she's

"above it all." Which frames the moment where she turns around and punches him like a joke. It frames that moment like it's a satisfying, but still "not decorous, not dignified," thing to do. It would've been "cool" and poorly received if Anna, the character who's always jumping into doing the emotional, awkward thing, had suddenly become the bigger person and risen above her hurt in that moment.

So instead, she punches him. And whatever. He deserved it, blah blah blah. The point is, even that moment isn’t supposed to be strictly “cool” or “girlboss.” It’s just supposed to be “in-character funny.”

See, usually a "girlboss" character knows exactly what the best thing to do is in a situation, and does it well. Or, she gets knocked down, but consistently gets back up and hits harder. Anna does not do any of those things. She keeps trying when she fails, yeah-but it's not because of an inner strength, it's because of an inner weakness. She keeps pushing because she's desperate, and insecure, not because she's awesome and never-say-die. Eventually, after Elsa strikes her and Hans betrays her, Anna does give up. She tells the snowman "we won't (come back.)" after Elsa strikes her. She tells Olaf she doesn't know what love is. It's not until she learns that lesson that anything she tries to do works—and she gives herself up to do it. And that's finally a moment of strength from her, not weakness. As for "cool"-gimme a break.

There's nothing "cool" about Anna. Anna's not good at anything except, at the very end, self-sacrificially standing in front of a sword and getting one punch in on a villain who's already disarmed, defeated and probably slightly concussed anyway. She's not supposed to be "cool" or "girlboss." She's supposed to be "Desperate to Love and Be Loved." And that's what she is, perfectly. "Desperate" is not a characteristic that fits the definition "girlboss" or "cool."

But maybe you just meant "Elsa is so cool and a girlboss." Okay, well, again, depends on what you mean by that. If you mean "having superpowers are cool" okay, well, are they? Is that what the movie is telling you? Because powers basically ruin all of Elsa's childhood and life until the last 3 minutes of the movie. You could be like "come on, she can make snow and ice monsters, glitter gowns, and an entire palace just by dancing. They totally tried to make her 'cool." That's like saying Simba's ability to eat bugs and belch and fight with Nala is "cool." She does all those things at her "Character in the WRONG" moment, in the story, just like Simba living in the Hakuna Matata jungle. Therefore the movie is not trying to tell you that Elsa is cool, it's trying to tell you that Elsa is wrong, but you can understand why she's wrong. You can understand why she feels triumphant for a moment-and then the movie shows you that triumph is misplaced.

I mean, she's taken out by her own falling chandelier. Every time she's confronted with a problem, she runs away. When she gets into "battles of wits," she says the wrong thing, or the shy, shut-down thing, not a girlboss one-liner that shuts the other person up. Elsa's not cool either. She doesn't have the answers, she doesn't save the day-she gets saved.

Both of these characters are desperate, open wounds-—they're needy and they're in the wrong, each in their own way, for the majority of the movie. They're weak, and they have to learn to find strength in love, for most of their story. There's nothing "girlboss" or "cool" about them.

I think maybe what some people make the mistake of is noticing the Frozen mania, and the fact that the two main characters are girls and one of them has superpowers and they other doesn't get with a Prince, and then they get the impression, from that, that the characters are "cool girlbosses." But like...that's like saying Dory from the first Finding Hemo movie is a girlboss. She's so totally not. She's a wreck. A funny, appealing, sometimes-relatable-human wreck. And a good character, but the hype doesn't change who she is, as a character. And who she is, like Anna and Elsa, is just a good character.

4. Elsa does not finish Let it Go with an "I'm Fine As I Am" attitude, and she doesn't finish the movie that way, either.

She finishes "Let it Go" with an "I'm fine up here, isolated from everyone," attitude. And then the movie very quickly proves her wrong by having Anna show up and reveal to her that no, actually, she is not fine up there, because the person she cares about most can still find her and be hurt by her, and the whole kingdom is still reeling from the problems she ran away from.

At the end of the movie the only thing I can guess you got the impression that she's "fine as she is" from was the fact that she's using her powers again.

But like. Elsa's whole problem was never her powers. She wasn't supposed to learn to stop using them. She was supposed to learn to stop living in fear. Instead, she was supposed to lean on love-love that sacrifices for her, flaws and dangerousness and all-and stop trying to control her image and what everyone knows about her.

Because in trying to control what everyone knows about her, she was controlling whether or not they loved her or treated her like a monster. And even running away and singing Let It Go was still an effort to control everything-by not being around people who could treat her like a monster or be hurt by her. Instead, accepting that she might hurt people because she can't always control everything, and trusting that they'll still love and forgive her, was her character arc.

She lives by faith in sacrificial love by the end, not by fear. That's the arc. She does that perfectly.

It was never, "I'm fine as I am." Because the point was never "there's* something wrong with me." It was, "I don't need to fear a lack of control, because true love covers what I can't control." That's all.

4. Anna does communicate to the audience that she's sorry and willing to understand the reasons behind Elsa's secrets.

The lesson Anna takes away from all of this is not "which guy loves me." It's "what is love?" And you know she's learned that because she demonstrates it. If Anna had died-frozen forever-or been cut down by Hans' sword, you realize that Elsa would never have been able to repay that gesture, right? But Anna still made that choice.

Even though it meant Elsa would never repay her. And the point is — excuse me, I know this is long enough, but I feel like you're missing out on something wonderful here—

Anna could have left Elsa to be killed and ridden off into the sunset with Kristoff.

They make it very clear that that is her goal when she stumbles onto the ice, free from the room Hans trapped her in. Elsa is no longer her motivation. She isn't looking for Elsa. She's not trying to get that love she's looked for, from Elsa, in that moment. She's trying to get it from Kristoff, not just for her emotional need-but for the "breaking of the curse" that's killing her in the moment. That whole scene where she realizes he loves her-truly loves her, because he fits the description Olaf gives-is in there to communicate to the audience that he could save her. He could give her what she needs.

And the reason that's important is that it proves that this is character development: when she chooses not to go to Kristoff, and to go to Elsa instead.

Because it's her, choosing to turn away from the person who could give her something (even if it is "love") and to turn toward the person who can't give her something (Elsa.) Who has repeatedly failed to give her something, for their entire lives.

Anna at the beginning of the movie would've run to Kristoff. That was the whole point of Hans, when it comes to Anna-he represents someone who can fulfill a need in Anna. But when Anna turns away from Kristoff and runs to save Elsa instead, Anna is demonstrating what she's learned —that love isn't about her own needs. It's putting someone else's needs before yours. She stands between Hans and Elsa, with the full expectation that she's not going to get anything out of it, not even a guarantee of E/sa's love in return. And her own needs will NOT get met if she puts Elsa's first.

And that's what she does. Whereas, at the beginning of the film, Anna would not have done that. Because that's not what she thinks love is. She hasn’t realized that yet.

She thinks love means closeness. And that does come with love. But that's not love. Love is, like Olaf says, putting someone else's needs before yours. But the whole movie, Anna is not working to put Elsa's needs before her own. She's working to change Elsa's mind, now that she knows the truth, so that she and Elsa can be "close again." She's climbing that mountain and arguing with Elsa, because she thinks that all that stood in their way before was this secret that's been uncovered. And sure, Anna has always been willing to “be there for” Elsa, but you have to see that Anna wanted that to come with Elsa being there for her, in return.

Which would be nice. But it's not true love. True love is being there for someone even when they refuse to be there for you. Because that's putting their needs before yours.

Thanks for the super long ask! That was fun! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as l enjoyed writing-I think sometimes we judge Frozen by the mania that followed, not the good quality that actually caused the mania, and deserved the mania, though. Anyway 😂

Guards! Take them away! Back to the theater with you! Watch the movie again!

[sunnie-angel]

Part 4: The Plan

part 3 | series masterlist | ao3 link

jason todd x f!reader

summary: one step back, one step forward in this dance with jason’s warring desires for intimacy and distance

tags: swearing, UST, light angst

rated explicit (mdni) | wc: 2.7k

a/n: i’ve never experienced an american thanksgiving so all of my knowledge of it comes from pop culture. this is basically the last of my ‘set up’ chapters, so plot + relationship development is going to really hit their strides starting from here.

Jason is learning to live with the thousand pangs of guilt that go hand in hand with his determination to be your friend and only your friend. Guilt churns his stomach so often that it fades to just another background distraction. Every time you stiffen up when he pulls back, every time you try to catch your face before the disappointment can shine through, he sees it all. He should keep his distance, stop reeling you in close before drawing back unexpectedly, but he can’t quite manage it.

A more recent encounter is still seared into his brain. It plays behind his eyelids as he swims laps around the pool with Rei.

The two of you had been heading to the dinner two blocks off of campus after Duvall’s class, the fiery light of the sunset colouring the worn paths across the quad. Class had been predictably… painful. Reading it for his own purposes or for a group of students to discuss, Frankenstein has always struck a raw nerve. I am thy creature and I will be even mild and docile to my natural lord and king, if thou wilt also perform thy part, which thou owest me. Seen and made raw by a woman and her monster years in the past, and isn’t that just the rub? The world spins, new generations live and die and live again to be just as disappointing to the men that created them. Jason’s heart had ached behind his sternum and even the usual balm of your chatter had taunted him with everything he denies himself. He’d made all the right noises, kept his head down and hands jammed into his pockets as the two of you had finally made it to the diner.

“God I almost lost it when what’s-his-name in business started talking.” You’d snorted as you’d opened up your menu, plastic pages clinging together. “Like is it really so hard to have an ounce of empathy? We should start a list of worst takes because that had to be a top five. Jay?” Jason must not have been playing his part well enough because now you’re looking at him, too silent, too caught up on the long stale nickname. “What are you thinking Jay, because I’m thinking pancakes for dinner.” All he could think of is the one and only Dick took him out for pancakes. Begrudgingly. And how it had ended with Dick storming out, suddenly excited about hanging out with the Titans, only to come back disappointed when he had realized he was Jason’s only ride.

“Don’t.” It had come out low and mean, lobbed through gritted teeth like something hot and vicious. Jason had watched it hit you, the way you’d leaned back from the table and hunched your shoulders closer. “Just don’t call me that, yeah?” It had taken concentrated effort on his part to breathe, mimic loosening the tension in his body, to look smaller and non-threatening.

“Oh. Okay, Jason.” Silence had stretched out between the two of you, an almost tangible distance. The words to explain, to apologize and smooth things over had stuck in his throat. The fading light had caught your face for a moment, your face crumpling in hurt before shuttering closed. Your blank face was burned into his mind’s eye just as clearly as all the ways he had not repaired things between you.

Jason surfaces, water sluicing off of his shoulders, before going back under for another stroke. His body takes over the pattern of striking and breathing while his mind returns to the diner. There’s a small animal part at the back of his mind that’s wary of the water. Keeps a small part of him on the look out for any tinges of green to the liquid in the irrational fear that he might also come out of this body of water changed. Actually taking Rei up on his offer to go swimming was in some ways a punishment for Jason, adrenaline thrumming through his veins until his muscles flagged from exhaustion.

Rei is waiting for him at the entrance to the gym, water bottle half empty and lid still unscrewed. His glasses keep sliding down his still damp face but he grins at Jason anyway.

“You sure you’re not looking for a spot on the swim team? Because I’m sure the team captain would get the coaches to make an exception for you.”

Re-shouldering his duffel, Jason asks, “Now why would he do that?”

“I’d do it because I want one last trophy for the relay team.” Rei says wryly.

“No shit?”

“Yeah, I don’t really advertise it because I’ve been doing it for so long that I keep forgetting new people don’t already know I swim. But if you want a spot you’re in. You lapped me like what, four times?”

“Five,” Jason says sheepishly. “Not much of a team player, so I’m gonna have to turn you down.”

“Fair enough,” Rei shrugs. “But I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. You probably dodged a bullet though, the coaches are hard asses about not drinking before meets.”

“Yeah, speakin’ of drinkin’, what the hell was in those drinks you made the first night.”

Rei laughs and the conversation takes a more lighthearted turn as they head across campus to the student union. It doesn’t take much to keep the conversation going so Jason has time to turn over Rei’s invitation over in his head. Jason would never have been able to accept — spackling over his extensive scarring for even just today had been a pain — but it had given him hope that maybe even after all his mishaps with you, that he might still be achieving ‘normal’.

Wednesday comes by and Jason makes up his mind to show up the weekly study session. With the Thanksgiving weekend coming up he’s got less work than ever but an even stronger desire not to be alone. Campus has emptied out in anticipation of the long weekend, the student union almost echoingly empty. Lina and Rei are already taking up a bench, sickeningly affectionate and dodging the balled up paper scraps Danika is tossing at them. You sit next to her, rolling your eyes at her antics then egging her on whenever Lina swoops in to leave another lipstick stain on Rei’s cheeks. He hesitates before committing to the seat at the end of the table nearest to you. The fresh loukoumades burning a hole in his bag will have to be shield and apology enough.

He’s nearly there, three feet out from his target, when the sound of a chair getting angrily out of the way diverts his attention. Will is dragging his bike through the field of chairs, cursing up a storm that has even Jason with all of his years in Gotham taken aback. Quite possibly its the most words Jason’s heard Will say out loud in the scarce months he’s known the man. The incongruity of the scene with who Will generally is as a person sends most of table into nervous half laughter.

“Will? Will what’s wrong? The biking parking finally full or something?” You ask, disbelieving.

“What the fuck does it look like?” He snarls, before throwing the bike to the ground in frustration.

“Hey—���

“Will, what happened?” Lina cuts Jason off, uncurling herself from around Rei and leaning forward. Her eyes are wide and searching, and in Jason’s opinion, not suspicious enough for the uncharacteristic rage on Will’s face.

“Some motherfucking cock sucking moron nearly ran me off the sidewalk in their piece of shit gas guzzler. That’s what happened.” He goes to throw himself into the seat next to you but Jason beats him to it, larger frame boxing him out. Throwing Jason an annoyed glance, Will slouches into the only seat left. He brandishes his coat clad arm in front of Lina and Rei, still thrumming with pent up energy.

“Look what they did!” He exclaims.

“I don’t think any of the bandaids in my bag are big enough for that scrape.” Rei says regretfully.

“What— never mind the scrape, look what they did to my coat!” He pulls the fabric tight across his wrist, shoving it under their noses. Rei and Lina give each other confused looks over Will’s head.

“There’s a lose thread?” Questions Danika.

“Yes! Thank you, yes! That idiotic jackass made me scrape up my Loro Piana jacket, do you know how much this costs?!”

“So,” Danika interjects, “won’t your family just buy you a new one and write this off for taxes or something?”

“That’s not— okay that piece of shit not only destroyed my jacket and put my life at risk but he’s also polluting with his mid-life crisis pollutant puker. You know there’s a reason Gotham ranks worst in pollution for cities in New Jersey? It’s thanks to people like that who don’t care that their cars are leaking oil and going knocking people — who are just trying to be nice to the environment — off of their bikes when they were just minding their own—“

“Report it to the police or campus security then.” Jason interrupts, before Will can get into the rant he’s building up steam for. “You got close enough to see the oil leaking, you probably saw the license plate too.” Jason pulls the loukoumades out of his bag and slides them over to you, keeping eye contact with Will the whole while. Will breaks eye contact first, pulling his perfectly intact black wool coat tighter around him before shoving his hands deep in the pockets. You’ve cracked open the container and let out a hum of delight. Will’s eyes dart to the table.

“Didn’t get it. How was I supposed to know that one minute I’d be riding along, and then the next I’d be traumatized for life by some inconsiderate brute?” He sulks. And oh, yeah, not everyone had grown up with B and all of his lessons on paying attention to your environment for evidence.

“Yeah, speaking of trauma, who’s got plans for thanksgiving yet?” Danika asks, mirth and humour her weapon against the atmosphere.

A sharp elbow knocks once into Jason’s ribs. He turns to look down at you, hoping your bid for attention won’t turn out to be disappointing. You meet his gaze with cheeks stuffed full of fried dough and honeyed syrup, eyes narrowed and considering.

“They’re not pancakes, but I thought you’d like ‘em anyway.” Jason says.

You swallow, before beginning to speak in a low voice, letting the flow of conversation continue around the two of you undisturbed. “If this is an apology, there better be more from where that came from.” Your small lopsided smile is sincere, but it doesn’t quite erase the image of your blank face from the dinner from his memory. Nodding, he goes to pull out the second Tupperware container that he’d had the foresight to prepare and you begin to lick the leftover syrup from your fingers. Jason’s vision narrows down to your thumb and forefinger, glistening in the fluorescent lights. He could swear his heart skips a beat when your pink tongue flicks out, his breathing certifiably irregular when you start to suck on your fingers. The image of your lips shiny from syrup will probably be engraved on his second headstone as the cause of death.

“—son, Jason.” Danika’s voice, high pitched and insistent, breaks the moment. He’d be embarrassed at tuning out his situational awareness if he wasn’t also scrambling to answer her half-heard question.

“No plans for me. My family and I aren’t really in a ‘gatherings and gratitude’ place right now.”

“Whoops, we’ll add your family to the off-limits list. What do you usually do then?”

Your phone starts buzzing, and you swear under your breath as you navigate sticky fingers and tight jean pockets.

“I just make a fancier meal than normal, watch the parade on the tv. Not much to it.” He replies off-handedly. He doesn’t mention the extra patrols he’ll do, in anticipation of one of the Rogues deciding to make a splash across holiday headlines.

“Sorry, I’ve got to answer this.” And already you’re trying to climb over Jason to get out from the booth and away from the table. It brings your face closer to his than it’s ever been and Jason would be trying to pin a name to the exact shade of your eyes if it wasn’t for the worry on your face. The nearly empty building means that you don’t wander far from the group. You pace as you listen to whoever is on the phone and play with the charm on your necklace. Will catches on to Jason’s line of sight and rolls his eyes, still sulking in his chair.

“So there’s a whole list, yeah? Things you don’t talk about?” Jason asks, trying to distract himself.

“Oh I wouldn’t call it anything so official.” Lina dismisses.

“No but we totally should!” Fires back Danika. “It would make things sooo much less awkward if Jason knew not to bring up just how much money Will’s rolling in, or the fact that Rei hates talking about the team right before a swim meet, or that when she,” and here Danika lowers her voice and nods in your direction, “plays with her necklace on a phone call fifty bucks says it’s someone from her family.”

“Got it, no askin’ her about the secret phone calls.” Jason says with a tight smile.

“Oh it’s nothing super secret.” Danika leans back into the corner and waves a lazy hand. “Just that most of them were dead set against her doing English instead of some ‘useful degree’ like pre-med or engineering. Don’t know why though, I don’t think’ I’ve ever met anyone that hates calculus more.”

But Jason, Jason thinks he does know why. Puts together the little pieces of your past you’d entrusted to his scarred hands and looks to the shared weft of your past. Looks at a girl whose family had scraped and fought to make a life untouched by poverty in a city that doesn’t easily forgive, and knows that it took luck and bone wearying effort to make it out of the Alley’s clutches. He looks at the girl who is used to being told her opinions don’t matter and yet believing in them anyway, who has put together a path leading right to her dreams even if the detours take her back to the place her family was happy to leave behind. Jason looks around the table at these fresh faced kids in their $6000 jackets and knows that none of them understand the constant, cavernous fear that all of the little luxuries they take for granted will suddenly disappear like morning fog. Jason knows the kind of courage it takes to push past that dogged fear and refuse the path your family pushes you down in order to achieve loftier goals.

The conversation has moved past him now, wrapped in his reverie. Rei and Danika have devolved into the kind of hardline negotiation Jason would have expected to see between seasoned lawyers rather than undergrads.

“C’mon Danika, I know you want a Pinterest worthy friends-giving but it’s just not going to work out this year.” Rei chides. “There’s just no time that’s gonna work for all of us.”

“Yes but it’s our last year when we’re all for sure going to be in the same place for the holiday weekend!”

“Look, we should all be free the Friday after the long weekend. We’ll do another night out, me and Lina will host the pre, and it’ll be our version of friends-giving. I’ll even make turkey themed cocktails if you want.”

“Gross! Fine, fine.” Danika most definitely does not whine. “But make them pumpkin pie themed cocktails instead.”

Jason’s got half an ear on the conversation, but continues to study you as long as his input isn’t needed. You sigh and seem to deflate as your call ends.

“So boys, are you ready to see the damage Rei can do when he’s got his full bar cart with him?” Lina asks, coy as anything. “I’m sure he’ll be able to make something that will even get you dancing, Jason.”

You shuffle around Jason, trying to squirm back into your bench seat. For a brief moment, your thighs bracket his.

“If that’s the plan,” Jason breathes out shakily.

Part 5

[thr0wnawayy]

Rei-Demption: A problem and my solution (ft. Rei's trauma and Hori's bullshit)

Might as well give my shot at it.

My take on Rei's personality has always been based in suppression.

Rei's whole life has been a balancing act of doing enough to protect her family, while still staying within the lines to not get disposed of.

She's everything Enji isn't. An iron will, a golden heart and a strong sense of empathy.

So with that in mind, hopefully it she'd light on it thought process with this post

A theory I have is that Rei was aware of the hospital's corruption

These panels always felt off too me, it always made me wonder: "does she know?"

The wording is very specific.

"I told him I liked it, around the first time we met. But only once"

It always struck me as odd, We're talking about the man who looked at his eldest death and kept going, man who destroyed multiple lives for a redundant pipedream.

It's not even why would he remember such a small detail, but rather how?

Unless... the doctors are feeding him information.

Think about it, who pays for all this. Surely it's not Fuyumi, on account of this being a massive money sink.

You really expect her to pay for all that on a teachers salary?

It can't be Natsuo because Enji has likely cut him off from everything to his name.

And that's assuming Enji even bothered to save up a college fund for any of them. Plus Natsuo is a full time student of medicine.

If the doctors are watching her every move, looking for any sign of deviation from the narrative then it makes sense for her to disguise her words.

Of course there's still more

Having PTSD isn't something you can keep someone institutionalized for. Especially when Rei's is very proportionate, given what she's gone through. (No, Japan's stigma of mental health wouldn't justify this)

I mean what are Rei's triggers?: Enji and that's about it.

"But we still... haven't met face to face, I'm still too afraid"

That's a standard reaction to have to your abuser (especially when he raped you multiple times)

('Just stop' gets a whole lot darker when you consider it's context)

Not to mention she's no longer fearful of anything resembling Enji, just Enji himself. So there is no real reason to keep her there unless they are afraid she might speak out.

This whole thing makes me think she's trying to tell Natsuo and Fuyumi what's really going on, in a way.

Subtly and under the calm, complacent mask she's expected to wear, in case anyone else is listening. Anyone who could report back to him.

It might also be she doesn't trust them. Fuyumi or Natsuo could blab or say something within earshot that could set Rei back months.

And she can't have that, not with how close she is to finally breaking free. She loves her children, all of them but the trust just isn't there, how can it be when when they don't have all the pieces.

So here's my theory: The hospital staff are in Enji's pockets. Either taking bribes (as recent as Dabi's Dance) or they were given a large sum of hush money when Rei was first hospitalized, with the goal of keeping her there as long as possible and possibly molding her to either keep her mouth shut or (sickeningly) gaslight her into returning to Enji.

(Note how she was only released when they could no longer keep a lid on things, the moment Dabi frops the bomb. She's out, no struggle)

This paints a picture of grotesque corruption, sloth and apathy (the very same cocktail that created Shigaraki) even by Hori's narrative standards. Shedding light on just how deep MHA's despotic nature goes.

The anime makes this even more apparent. Rei's fake smiles make the whole thing that much more viable. She seems so dead, it's like she smothered her soul or something.

I've seen both the sub and dub of this scene. The sub is the correct translation, the same as the Manga panel above.

The Dub however, while severly off mark, adds it's own flavour of dread. Rei sound so hollow, it was jarring the first time I heard it.

It sounded like she was reading a script (in-universe). Like she'd rehearsed this in her mind a million times, staring at the same 3 white walls + the window and waiting for an opening to finally speak.

That was supposed to be Shoto, until the dorms ruined that. Suddenly Rei's lifeline is gone, reduced to letters that don't even tell half the story.

10 years, 10 fucking years reduced to lines on a page.

Can you imagine the despair, dear reader?

The frustration. The sheer vitriol coursing thorough her veins, far hotter than Touya could ever manage.

Having to do the same thing she's been doing even before she was locked away. As the the skeleton in the closet of a criminal with a license.

Wearing masks for so long you can hardly breath and in the brief moments you can take them off. You can hardly recognize yourself, how you once were.

It must be the truest form of hell.

The Rei-demption Arc

Rei's redemption arc takes the attention of our theoretical arc without overtaking it.

The arc would mostly focus on the more domestic aspects of our trio being: Midoriya, Shoto and Uraraka.

A few minor changes would occur. The dorms never happen, allowing the characters to exist outside of UA.

There is solid confirmation that Fujiya is corrupt and is keeping Rei institutionalized on illegal grounds (ie: not meeting the criteria set up to ensure her silence)

The dinner scene would still happen only it would bd framed for what it really was. A pathetic attempt at creating a moment that never existed.

There's no family with Enji.

Just a family held hostage and a tyrant. I have my own grievances with Fuyumi, but I'll leave that for the future.

The only difference besides Natsuo being properly portrayed as a victim acting well within his right, the reasons for our trio going would be for Shoto's emotional wellbeing, because he asked them to.

Uraraka could have a moment where she realizes that money is as much as good as it is bad. An actually decent shift into her change of goals.

Here Enji motivates her to "watch the watchmen". Her need for money is still a crucial part of her reasons for becoming a hero, but she also has a more front and center goal.

I'd imagine she has a moment parallel to Midoriya's during the Sports Festival.

Where (alone in front of the Dojo after the failed dinner) she rightfully calls out Enji for being a self pitying piece of shit and that "sorry" doesn't cut it.

"You've hurt them in ways you can't imagine." Would probably be the last thing she says before walking away.

She may not know the whole story but she knows it hurt them and that's enough.

Rei's ascent

Rei's biggest hurdle is accepting that she was also an abuse victim. She's furious but she's only furious on her children's behalf and what they lost.

Her unintentionally harmful actions weigh on her, be it her neglect or the night she scalded Shoto, these events have impacted her deeply.

She learns to reconcile with her past, improve her relationship with Shoto and even meets Shoto's friends at one point.

Eventually she finds closure but that's later on.

She also acts as an advisor at times, having given Shoto the idea of using Ice projectiles (as seen in the Licensing Exam)

The second half comes from the Hospitals corruption, as Rei learns that she is long overdue for release (by about 8 years) among other horrific practices. This would play out as the arc's B plot, building up to what I call "The Summit"

The Summit

Eventually Rei fights Hood.

After gathering the evidence, she escapes the hospital. Planning to go to Natsuo for protection. As she's walking across a crosswalk however, she hears what sounds like an explosion.

Eventually she hears screaming and is forced to use her quirk as a bus is suddenly sent hurdling in her general direction.

As of her body moved on its own, she envelops it in her ice. Stopping the bus and saving those behind her in the process.

Only to see Hood land on top. They lock eyes and Rei can't help but see Touya in Hoods ambition.

In response to Rei holding her ground, Hood dashes. Rei counters this by manipulating her ice to send him crashing into an empty building, impaling him on the glaciers end.

Hood is impressed by Rei's proficiency and chooses to fight her.

Rei having no experience, fights for her life. Where as Rei avoids Civilians, Hood has no care for them which forces Rei to play the role of hero.

Rei uses every weapon in her arsenal in order to stave off Hood, who only gets more relentless as the battle stretches on. The upside is Hood's regeneration struggles in the cold, which Rei is constantly producing.

Each side gets blows in, with Rei taking them surprisingly well but still being worse for wear. Hood notes this saying "as if y-you've done t-t-this before" (close, Hood very close)

Eventually Hood gets the upper hand, towering over Rei in a manner that triggers her PTSD and leaves her stunned.

One of the civilians (Horoshi Tameda) emboldened by Rei's efforts, picks up a loose chunk of pavement and chucks it at Hood's back. It hits, causing Hood to look back.

Civilians begin making loud noise, others begin picking up anything they can find and throw it at Hood. Further catching him off guard long enough for Rei to snap out of her episode and strike back.

From here the fight kicks into high gear, with Rescue heroes & paramedics arriving on the scene and a camera crew recording the fight from above. Overall I imagine the scene to be very uplifting, with the Orchestra swelling as Rei prepares a final attack.

The move rivals that of Shoto's, arguably even surpassing it. Hoof is incased in a prison of Ice, covering an entire city block worth of destroyed buildings. And the fight finishes with Rei collapsing to her knees.

From here on out things change. Rei's newfound fame leads to the hospital being forced to do their job. Because of this Rei gets out early (around the time the Internship arc would started had I not scrapped it)

As for what this could lead to I'll let you decide. I'd love to read some suggestions.

Bonuses:

Theories:

The reason they kicked Fuyumi from her job is because she covered an abuser's ass for years. While Fuyumi is a victim, it doesn't excuse her complacency in regards to Enji's treatment of Shoto before and after his "self pity" arc.

Natsuo didnt go to someone because he wouldn't likely be believed, being seen as bitter and untrustworthy (his time away from home wouldn't help with pinning evidence).

Extra:

Hood survived the fight, Rei opted to capture him as opposed to kill him. That doesn't mean he didn't get frost bite. Police found out it is very difficult to question a Nomu.

Out of all her trauma. Rei accepting she was never given a choice will be the hardest to accept.

Rei's family is not inbred, rather her parents ran away so her father wouldn't be forced into a marriage with his cousin. Only to ironically do the very same to their daughter.

Hiroshi still becomes a meme, his 'Can't you see speech' leads to him becoming a motivational speaker.

The reason Hood appeared is because Dabi lost track of him. He nearly had a heart attack when he discovered his mom was holding the Nomu off.

[cybergothvox]

This may not be a new observation for people familiar with hypnosis and trauma, but has anyone noticed how hypnosis seems to work on very similar mechanisms as trauma does?

I was already deeply familiar with trauma academically and personally when I recently started researching hypnosis, and the similarities are making me understand more about how trauma triggers form.

Both hypnosis that induces hypnotic triggers and trauma triggers cause you to associate something with another thing on a deep, subconscious level. Obviously associations can occur in other ways, but only in trauma and hypnosis have I seen such a deep correlation where a single phrase can cause someone to very reflexively perform an action or experience strong emotions.

Additionally, both trauma and hypnosis can induce a dissociative barrier between the trigger and conscious awareness. I read this post on amnesia play for hypnosis kink and I was just struck by like. Holy shit. That is what it feels like when I find an alter with trauma memories I am not supposed to know, and for a second I can remember everything and as I am starting to react emotionally suddenly it all starts to slip away until it feels blank and blurry and I have no idea what it was even though I knew it just a second ago. (Which is why I think to have a full understanding of hypnosis you cannot just look at therapeutic use because I do not think in therapy a memory barrier would be induced like this.)

And it makes sense, right? Like a brain is a brain, its going to have the same structure and mechanisms even in different contexts so it makes sense that it's not that different but I was still quite shocked by it.

And the thing it is making me realize about how trauma forms has to do with what hypnosis is and how it works.

At its core (at least this is what I have read, in several places, though it is a theory and not confirmed, which is fair it is hard to confirm for certain anything about how the mind works due to the nature of it) hypnosis is a heightened state of focus. Generally during hypnosis you are focused and relaxed, and the relaxation is how you can clear your mind enough to focus only on the hypnotists words and the feelings they make you feel.

This made me realize that trauma formation occurs during intense focus as well. The focus is based on fear; one needs to be highly focused on what is going on in a survival situation or a situation where they are being hurt in order to best navigate the situation and get out as quickly as possible, and because that is a High Priority all of the brain is focused on it.

I believe this heightened state of focus in trauma accesses a similar part of the mind that hypnosis does, albeit through violent and unpleasant means, and this is why things that occur during trauma formation can trigger these feelings that were felt during trauma formation to come back.

This is just my personal observations do not take this as academic truth but I am very interested in studying these similarities. If anyone knows any academic papers on this or personal experiences people have written on this topic I would be very interested in reading them.

I will be researching it but of course looking up hypnosis and trauma brings up mainly how hypnosis can be used to treat trauma (which is relevant to the topic still) and it will be hard to find something talking about specifically how hypnosis can sort of mimic trauma on a mechanical level.

(tw: violence)

It's like as if trauma is being attacked and torn open, and hypnosis is surgery. One is violent and damaging, and one is careful and can be healing, but they both reach inside of you to touch the same places.

[peterman-spideyparker]

Just One Wish (Matt Murdock x fem!Reader)

Author’s Note: Hey everyone! I'm very slowly chipping away at the fic in my idea notebook I put up in those two polls maybe about a month and a half ago, but I keep adding fics, which is good and bad - good because it's proof my idea gremlin isn't retreating, but bad because it's so many ideas and not enough righting time. But, I digress. POV does switch halfway from Reader to Matt, but remains in second person. Enjoy :)

Summary: Matt pulls out all of the stops for your birthday to make it special and memorable for you. But neither you or Matt are prepared for the consequences of a sweet, genuine birthday wish that is granted by a magical candle.

Warnings: Fluff (Matt being the sweetest and most endearing boyfriend who has so much love for the reader. They're both just so love struck for one another, talk about big nerd idiots in love being all kissy and cute - seriously, I noticed while proofing I made them kiss a lot), angst (fear/trauma, unexpected blindness)

Other Characters: Foggy Nelson

Word Count: 3,498

“Matt!” you giggle as he guides you down the hallway to your apartment, his hands over your eyes. “I appreciate the effort, but, I’m gonna have to be the one to unlock my front door.”

“Just trust me on this, angel,” Matt laughs, leaning forward and kissing the crown of your head as you come to a stop at your door. Moving the position of one of his hands so it covers both of your eyes, he opens the barrier and guides you in. Resting the hand that he opened the door with on your waist, he pulls the other from your face and turns on the light.

“Surprise!” he hums, wrapping his arms around you and holding you close. You gasp in delight as you see the lovely dinner for two that’s set up in your kitchen. “I hope you don’t mind that I set this all up here. I wanted to make you this new recipe I read about, but I didn’t have some of the equipment I needed at my place.”

“Matty,” you grin, twisting in his grasp and draping your arms around his neck. “You can come over here and use any of my equipment any time you need.”

“Oh?” he smirks.

“Mmm,” you hum, leaning into his body for a sweet kiss. “I can’t wait to give it a taste.”

“Well, it’s lucky for you that the next thing on my plan for the evening was enjoying this meal for you.”

“I think you’re forgetting something, though.”

“Am I?”

You nod with a smile knowing he can feel your head move as you lean in for a deep kiss, feeling how his arms hold you flush to his body, even as you move your kisses down his neck to suck a little mark into his skin. “There we go,” you grin in delight. “A fitting appetizer.”

Matt chuckles, kissing you sweetly once more before guiding you over to your table and pulling out your seat before you clink your wine glasses together and dig in and talk about your days.

“This has been an amazing night,” you smile, taking Matt’s hand in yours as we sit as the table. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“I wish I could’ve done more,” he hums, his thumb brushing back and forth over your knuckles.

“Matt, you left me a sweet voicemail to wake up to, surprised me with coffee on the sidewalk, sent me gorgeous flowers at work, and made a fabulous dinner for me. This has been the best birthday of mine to date.”

“I’m glad I could make you happy. That’s all I could ever want.” He lifts your hand and presses a long kiss to the digits. “I do have another surprise for you.”

“Matt—.”

“Just sit tight.”

With another kiss to the back of your hand, he gets up from the table, grabbing a small gift bag and two plates, each with a slice of the moistest chocolate cake you could ever imagine—one with a candle in it.

“Happy birthday, angel,” he smiles as he puts the plate and gift down in front of you, kissing you long and slow.

“Thank you,” you murmur against his lips, kissing him again before he sits down next to you.

“Make a wish.”

“Matt, I have everything I could have ever want, and I have never been happier.” I just wish you could see just how happy you make me. You blow out the candle and lean back in for another kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you more. Now, open your gift.”

With a chuckle, you grab the bag, pulling out the tissue paper and revealing a small little jewelry box.

“Matt,” you start.

“Don’t say I didn’t have to,” he counters. “It’s your birthday, I love you, and you deserve it.”

With a little sigh, you open the box and let out a little sigh, revealing a beautiful bar necklace.

“On one side, it has the time we met in braille, and the other side has the coordinates of where we met engraved in it,” he explains. “The way that the clasp is on the necklace, it can be worn either way, and you’ll always have a little piece of me, a little piece of us wherever you go.”

“Matt, this . . . You didn’t have to. This is the sweetest, most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.”

“I’d bring you the stars if I could.”

You lean forward again and kiss him once more. 

“I love you,” I smile.

Matt kisses you a few more times before taking the necklace out of the box, securing it on your neck before taking some frosting from your cake and dolloping it on your nose.

“Hey!” you laugh.

“You just look cute enough to eat,” he grins. 

“So do you.” You do the same, swiping some chocolate frosting on his nose before you fork some cake into your mouth. “Oh wow, this is delicious.”

“The secret ingredient is pudding,” he smirks. “Vanilla, not chocolate.”

“Really? It’s amazing.”

“Yeah. You are.”

The way he’s staring at you makes you blush, and you dip your gaze down to the cake as you continue to feel the heat rise up to your ears. He takes your hand in his and holds onto it lovingly as you eat, talking about everything and noting at all. When you finish your slices, Matt insists that you sit on the couch as he cleans up and does the dishes, to which you happily open your dishwasher and tell him to load it up. He chuckles, shaking his head and muttering something about “only because it’s your birthday” and “because you're so cute”. When you close the appliance, you take his hand and pull him toward you, holding him close and kissing him, growing weak in the knees when he wraps one arm around your waist as the other slides up to hold the back of your head, guiding you down on your couch cushions for a comfier make out spot.

“Hey,” you whisper, smiling as you pull back and bite your lip, feeling warm and fuzzy from his embrace.

“Hey,” he parrots, trying to lean back in for another kiss, but you put your finger to his lips.

“I, um, I think you should head out for the night,” you whisper. 

“I’m not done celebrating with you, angel. In fact, there was one more thing that I had in store for us that could take up quite a bit of time.”

“I’d love nothing more for that, honestly. But you need to be at the courthouse by 8 a.m. tomorrow.”

“I know. But I can still spend the night with my girlfriend on her birthday and make it there no problem.”

“Not if we did what I had in store for tonight. We start with that thing we did at New Years, and, well . . . I’d like to keep some things a surprise for you.”

Matt’s eyebrows shoot up, his mouth slightly agape as his cheeks burn a bright pink you’ve only ever seen once before. “Happy birthday to you,” he chuckles nervously.

“Mm, very much. Which is exactly why I’m asking for a raincheck for tonight.”

“Okay,” he breathes. “A few more kisses, though?”

“I’m not gonna want you to leave if I have a few more kisses.”

“That’s my hope.”

You moan in frustration and attraction as you lean into him. “Sneaky devil.”

“Can you blame me for trying?”

“No. But I can blame you for it almost working how you want.”

He gives me a little pout and a shrug. “Worth it.”

Pulling him back in, you kiss him long and slow.

“Want any of the leftovers from your kick-ass dinner?” you hum as you run your fingers through his hair.

“It’s all yours, sweetheart,” he whispers with another peck to your lips. “Besides, I think I’ll find myself over here tomorrow one way or another.”

You chuckle and nod, leaning in for a few more kisses before you bring yourselves to your entryway. “Text me when you get home.”

“Okay,” he hums, tucking some hair behind your ear. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

With one final lingering kiss, Matt slides on his glasses and unfolds his cane, slipping out of your door and into the night.

The piano tones of your phone gently nudge you awake, much to your annoyance. Matt was quick to text you when he got home, at which point you started your nighttime routine, but it just didn’t feel like you got enough sleep. Well, I guess it’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t fix. With a reluctant huff, you roll over and press at your phone to turn off your alarm, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. You're beyond confused when you open your lids and find a blackness around you rather than your bedroom.

What?

You rub your eyes a few times. You didn’t think it was your allergy season just yet—why would your eyes be swollen shut? You open your eyes again, even making sure that they’re open with your fingers, and quickly grow terrified when you still see nothing but darkness. No matter how hard you blink, it’s the same, over and over. Pure nothingness.

“H-Hey Siri?” you stutter, doing your best to steady your breath. “Call Leslie.”

“Calling Leslie - mobile,” your phone says, immediately beginning to ring.

“Hey (Y/N),” she greets.

“Hey, Leslie,” you say as calmly as possible. “I’m gonna have to take today off. Matt cooked me a new dish for my birthday, and I don’t think it sat right with me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Just feel better, okay? It’s no fun being sick around the time of your birthday. Rest up, and stay hydrated.”

“Will do. Thanks, Les.”

When you hang up the phone, you burst into tears.

How did this happen? What should you do? How to you tell Matt?

“Oh Matty,” you weep, your fingers brushing against the necklace he gave you. “I wish you were here. I wish I didn’t ask you to go last night.”

“Matty,” your voice stirs him from his sleep. He hears it over and over, but it grows more distant as he is pulled from his sleep. Rolling over in bed, he feels around and smacks at his alarm clock.

7:14 a.m.

Fuck. He’s gonna be late if he doesn’t get moving right now. Grumbling, he rubs his eyes and opens them, screaming when he doesn’t see the usual black that he’s been accustomed to for over two decades. It’s bright, distinct, clear . . . He can see. Covering his eyes, he pulls his hands back and gently tries to open them, adjusting to the clouded light shining through the windows of his loft.

This . . . This can’t be happening. What’s going on?

Matt holds out his hands in front of them, seeing the digits he uses to feel his surroundings, to decipher little bumps in paper to read, his tools of justice at night, what he uses to hold on to you.

You. His girlfriend. The person that he loves most in this entire world. 

A happy, breathy chuckle escapes his lips as he shoots out of bed. Although he can maneuver his apartment without any trouble, having a perfect mind map of the floorpan, he’s like a deer just learning how to walk now that he can see, having little control over his legs as he approaches his bathroom to find a mirror. Stunned, Matt sees himself staring back—brown hair disheveled from sleep, a steady stubble on his face, old, faded scars from fights long ago, some fresher bruises on his arms, and the small love bite you worked into his neck last night. 

It’s . . . It’s odd to see himself. Last time he had any semblance of what he looked like, he was a nine year old kid, scrawny and scraggly with pretty prominent freckles and a round baby face. As he leans in closer to the mirror, he can see what while he still has freckles, they’re far more faded, his jaw is much more prominent, and he realizes the description of his eyes that you give every now and then are pretty accurate.

You’ll be so thrilled. He has to go see you right now and tell you.

Foggy. Foggy. Foggy.

With trembling hands and a jittery heart, Matt darts from his bathroom back to his bedroom, trying to rely on his hearing for the location of his phone rather than his newfound sight.

“Good morning, sunshine,” he hears his friend say.

“Hey, Fog,” he says, his voice trembling.

“You good, man?”

“Um, yeah,” he lies. “Pre case jitters, I guess.”

“You getting pre case jitters? You never get those.”

“I, um, I don’t think I slept well last night, that’s all.”

“I’ll get you coffee from that place you like on the way to the courthouse, because you’re already late, and I’ve already gotten you the coffee. Haul your ninja ass down here. I’ll see you soon.”

“Y-Yeah. See you soon, Fog.”

Matt rubs his eyes after he hangs up, just to make sure that he’s not dreaming. He can see. Everything feels quiet. Things feel comfortable, but after so many years of heightened sensitivity, it all feels wrong. 

But he can see. He’ll go outside and get to see the sky, he’ll be able to see his apartment, his workspace, his friends, and when the day is done, he’ll finally be able to see you. He’ll finally be able to see just how bright your smile actually is, how your eyes will twinkle when he tells you that he loves you.

But right now, he needs to get to the courthouse.

“(Y/N)?” Matt calls out into the apartment, using his key to undo the lock. “Angel, it’s me. I’ve got some good news.”

He strains his ears, but your place is quieter than usual. When he listens harder, he can hear your soft sobs gently echoing in the apartment. Moving through carefully, his heart racing, he tries to locate the source, seeing how pictures of the two of you, your family, and friends decorate your home, the little things here and there that are wonderful splashes of your personality all around. But your cries are what prevent him from lingering. Whenever he hears you cry, it makes him want to die, but to hear sobs like this the day after your birthday? There’s nothing he wouldn’t give to make that pain and hurt and sadness go away. 

“(Y/N)?” he calls gently in your bedroom doorway. 

You sniffle, looking up at him with a red and puffy tear-streaked face. “Matt?” you croak. 

“I’m right here, sweetheart.” Moving in the dark, he squats down and sits by your side, immediately wrapping his arms around you and holding you close. “It’s okay, angel. What’s going on?”

“I-I can’t see.” Your voice cracks as your body trembles, holding back your tears. 

“What?” he breathes. You were fine last night. You were absolutely okay—buzzing with happiness. 

“I woke up and I couldn’t see. Everything was so loud, there were these awful smells, and my pajamas felt like sandpaper. It’s like everything was dialed up. Everything is just so dark, Matty. I-I-I’ve never felt so alone.”

“How—you didn’t go to work, did you? Why didn’t you call me?” Why didn’t I come to you sooner? Matt’s never been more mad at himself. 

“No, I called out sick. I was scared, and shocked, and . . . I don’t know. You deal with this every day, Matty. You have for years. Me calling to complain seemed . . . wrong.”

“Angel—.”

“It’s stupid, but, I didn’t know what to do! I woke up to darkness and everything was overloaded. It was too much.”

You start to weep freely, and Matt holds you even closer, stroking your hair and positioning you so your ear is right over his heart. He knows that whenever it all becomes too much for him, your heartbeat is the only thing that can effectively soothe him, and Matt prays that it’ll do the same for you. 

“I’m so sorry, angel,” he breathes. “We’ll figure this out. We’ll get you help.”

“I’m going to be right here for you, every step of the way. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

You sit in his arms like a wounded bird for a little longer, the tears still coming, only quieter now. 

“I’m scared,” you finally say.

“Look at me, angel,” he whispers, wiping your tears away off of the apples of your cheeks. “There we go.” God, you’re beautiful. He already knew a prayer was answered when you came into his life, but getting to see you makes his heart grow so much. “Whatever is going on, we’ll figure it out. We’ll get through it. I promise.”

You nuzzle your face into his hand, and he feels like he could jump over the moon seeing how tender you look as you kiss the heel of his hands. 

“You said you had some good news where you came in,” you say, your voice hoarse. 

“Y-Yeah,” he nods, clearing his throat. “I, um, I got a new record. That James Taylor one you like.”

“Really?” you say, your eyebrows lifting. 

“Mm,” he smiles tenderly through his lie. “I figured I’m always hearing you sing in the shower, it’ll be nice to hear it on nights where we don’t see one another, cuz I’ll hear it and think of you.” He gets an idea, smirking mischievously. “What’s the one you always sing? Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I love you, yes I do. And when you give me that pretty little pout, it turns me inside out. There’s something about you baby, I don’t know.” His singing gets you to smile and giggle. That’s my girl. The way you look now, even though it’s after a torrent of tears, it’s an image he wish he could freeze in time. If you look this beautiful and happy coming out of fear and grief, he can only imagine how beautiful you look when you wake up, how beautiful when you’re excited, how beautiful when he can feel you staring at him like he’s the center of your universe. Your face is something that he’ll never forget for as long as he lives. “Isn’t it amazing a man like me can feel this way? Tell me how much longer, it can grow stronger every day.”

You smile endearingly at him, one of you hands loosely cradling the side of his face as you pull him in for a kiss, his body leaning over you like a warm cage. 

“I love you so much, Matt,” you breathe. “So, so much.”

“I know,” he whispers, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. “I love you more than I could ever describe. You’re my light in the dark, and I’ll forever be thankful for you.”

Matt caresses your face some more before pulling you in for another kiss, full of love and tenderness. You two sit, holding one another for he doesn’t know how long, but long enough to know that you’re calm, past your violent wave of fear. He presses a long kiss to your temple, growing confused and more alert as things become louder, smells stronger, texture tougher, his world darker. 

“Hey,” he says, adjusting so his body twists toward you, facing you head on to get a good look at you as his vision grows weaker and darker at the edges. 

“Yeah?” you hum.

“I just want to remember you. Just how you are right now. How much I love you. How much I’ll always love you.”

“Sap,” you grin, the smirk quickly growing into your big, bright smile. He’s never been more in love. “I love you so much, Matty. Never forget that.”

“I never will,” he breathes just as the last specks of color and light fade from his view, bringing him back to a reality he’s known for almost all of his life. 

“Matt?”

“Yeah, angel?”

“I-I can see again,” you stutter. 

“You can?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how—.”

Matt leans forward, pressing his lips to your forehead for a long, lingering kiss. “It’s okay, sweetheart. As long as you’re feeling back to normal, that you’re okay, that’s all I could ask for.” He tucks some of your hair behind your ear before kissing you once more. “How about we go to bed? It’s been a long day for the both of us. Tomorrow is Saturday, and we can sleep in a little. Just take it easy. Be with one another.”

“I’d like that,” you hum, kissing his cheek before you both get up. “Want me to throw your favorite blanket in the dryer? Extra cozy snuggles for the night?”

“I just need you, angel. I just need you.”

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[loosingmoreletters]

take an AU haunting me for ages now: the “sects go to the terrifying Yiling patriarch to ask for his help in the war, WWX ends up demanding LWJ marry him” fics?

Yes, that, but kinda in reverse.

The Sects go to meet the Yiling Patriarch and he’s as expected: arrogant, bold, careless, demanding. And using heretic powers to keep his Burial Mounds untouched by the world.

They negotiate, he smirks properly wicked, and and says he wants to name a bride and a marriage to the Lan.

The Lan talk, outraged, but they have a war to win so the agreement is struck: marriage to the Lan and the Yiling Patriarch is allowed to name bride and groom. They write it down exactly like that.

The war happens, but with the Yiling Patriarch’s army of the resentful dead, they lose less soldiers, win more battles. The Lan wonder why they were chosen, perhaps because they hold enough moral sway that any hostage of theirs wouldn’t result in another war? Regardless, Lan Wangji makes it his job to stick close to the Yiling Patriarch, as close as he will let anyone. He has a whole entourage of ghost brides, though only one stays close to him at all times, veiled whenever they have company

They win the war. “Bride and groom,” the Yiling Patriarch says and swears to return in three months. There is talk of taking him down now that Wen are gone, but no one wants to go to war in the Burial Mounds.

The Yiling Patriarch arrives in three months as promised, dressed in red, followed by a parade of people. “I’ve come to collect my debt,” he tells them. “I will name Lan Wangji as the groom,” he says, sparking confusion and outrage. Does he intend to name one of his ghost brides next? And indeed, he reached for one, lifts her veil, revealing living woman, but takes the veil for himself instead. “And I, myself, will be his bride.”

The story goes a little like this:

One. Wei Ying’s parents die and he follows them. Only he is young and alive and curious and the Burial Mounds are very hungry. They devour him skin, flesh, bone, teeth. And they spit him out again. And again again and again.

Two. Wen Qing is her uncle’s favorite, but she’s her brother’s only sister. She fears what war means, what the retaliation might mean. Young Masters go to the Cloud Recesses for study on invitation, Wen Qing goes to the Burial Mounds to beg.

Three. There is very little begging to be done in front of a boy her brother’s age, who hasn’t been hugged in years and keeps the company of murdered brides as though they are his mothers, aunts and sisters. She asks for protection, he asks for a meal.

Four. They cannot stay in the Burial Mounds forever. It is not a place for children even Wei Wuxian realizes that one morning and promptly disappears in his childhood bedroom, a cold cave filled with trinkets of the dead. He survived on the cost of skin, flesh, bone, teeth. They cannot all pay this price.

Five. The Sects knock at his door, a solution presents itself. He dressed Wen Qing like his older sister, veil and all, and hides her among his undead. They strike a bargain.

Six. They could keep a hostage, but a hostage will not keep them fed. Brides, he knows from childhood on, marry out. One of his sisters would’ve taken with her all her servants, had her unwilling husband not killed her on the wedding night.

Seven. “This is why it has to be a Lan,” Wen Qing tells him. Your husband would not kill you like this. They might keep him in some other way, but what could be worse than skin, flesh, bone, teeth? A wedding night of death? Nothing. And if he can help his family by making them servants and himself a bride, he’ll stay locked up in the Cloud Recesses. At least this prison will not spit him out.

What Lan Wangji knows is this: the Yiling Patriarch is mocking them, but there is a debt and a debt must be paid.

They marry in name, no matter how much the Yiling Patriarch taunts him about the contents of a proper marriage, and then they live separately. They keep an eye on him of course, him and his servants, who keep to themselves, settling in Caiyi and the Cloud Recesses, wary, hungry, terrified people - not of their master, but of everyone else.

And then, on accident maybe, a slip of the tongue, one of those servants soak a different name. Within a second, the Yiling Patriarch is in front of them in protection, though he looks less arrogant, less bold, less careless, less demanding. He looks, Lan Wangji thinks, like someone who has more too lose than he’d ever admit. He looks terrified like no one in the Cloud Recesses ever should.

So maybe he should ask him why

[elficially-done-with-life]

You Are Important

Pairing: Boromir x shy/insecure!Reader

Summery: Reader is part of the fellowship and feels insecure. Luckily Boromir is there to help.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

It was the third day that you and the others from the Fellowship had been travelling and so far you had barely exchanged a word with them.

Not because you found them uninteresting or didn't want to interact with them. No, it was more that you had always found it difficult to befriend or talk with new people.

You were also sure that every one of them would quickly lose interest in you anyway. You were neither pretty nor interesting enough for any of them to want to get to know you or to waste their time on you.

That's why you were surprised when Boromir from Gondor sat down next to you on the evening of the third day and struck up a conversation.

You hadn't spoken to him personally until that moment, but he spoke to you openly as if you had known each other for a long time.

After that day, he never left your side. Every evening when you stopped to rest, he would sit next to you and engage you in conversation about this and that, and when you went to sleep, he would always lie down a little closer to you than to the others.

You appreciated his presence and attention very much, because no one had ever been so interested in you before, but you feared that he would soon lose interest in you and realise how boring and insignificant you were. Especially next to someone who shone as brightly as he did.

Most of the time you managed to banish these thoughts. Especially during the day, when you had to keep an eye out for danger or Boromir found a pretty wildflower in the forest and put it in your hair.

But at night, these thoughts always haunted you.

Sometimes you would lie awake for hours and stare up at the starry sky.

Then one evening you couldn't stand it any longer.

Boromir had already put up with you longer than anyone before him. He must have realised long ago how boring you were and just didn't want to be rude by telling you.

You moved away from the rest of the company. You were in a small wooded area and everyone was busy setting up camp for the night that nobody noticed when you took a few steps away.

No one except Boromir.

He came after you until the two of you were standing next to each other, looking quietly into the forest for a while.

"You've been very quiet these last hours," he said worriedly and his gaze wandered to you. Your gaze lowered. "If there's something on your mind, you can tell me."

You tried to gather your thoughts, but somehow you didn't really know what to say to him. You didn't want to lie to him. It just wouldn't have been fair. Not when he had always been so kind.

So you sighed. "Boromir, it's just- why? Why are you still- aren't you bored when you spend time with me?"

Boromir frowned. "Why would I be bored? You're great."

You could feel the heat rising in your cheeks. "That's hardly true. No one has ever spend so much- no one- I'm not," you paused and took a breath. "Is it because we're forced to spend time together? Then I can assure you that it's fine. I'm used to people ignoring me!"

Boromir looked at you with an expression that looked almost pained.

"Please don't talk about yourself like that. Like you're not important. Because you are important." He reached out a hand and gently grasped yours. His large hands were rough and radiated a pleasant warmth. You hadn't realised how cold your hands had become until you felt his warmth.

"I like spending time with you and will continue to do so," he continued gently as he took hold of your hand with both of his and massaged the back of it. "I would also spend time with you if our journey would be over already. If you want, I'll show you my home, Minas Tirith, after all that."

At these words, you finally looked up. "I would be very happy to come with you." you said quietly.

Boromir smiled. Then he leant forward and kissed you gently on the forehead. Your heart began to beat faster.

"Let's go back to the others," he suggested. You could still feel the warmth of his lips on your forehead. "Otherwise they'll eat without us."

Boromir took your hand and you walked back beside him. A smile spread across your face.

[autisticlancemcclain]

prev

———

“Keith Kogane, you magnanimous dumbass, would it kill you to ask me out like a man. Something like that.”

Hunk presses the pause button. He tucks his phone back into his pocket. He turns to Shiro, expectant, prepared.

“So,” he says.

Shiro stares at the space in front of him, fingertips pressed together and in front of his face.

“So.”

“Your brother is kind of an airhead.”

“He is indeed.”

“No offense to Keith. He has his smart moments. Probably.” Hunk’s mouth twitches. “Sorry. I said that to not be mean and then immediately thought of the whole Voltron cheer situation and laughed in my head. I promise I don’t actually think Keith is stupid.”

Shiro’s mouth twitches. He forces his face to remain neutral. It is a challenge.

“Keith refused to name his pet gecko as a child,” he shares. “He insisted the gecko would reveal its name when it was ready.”

Hunk bites his lip very hard. He looks deliberately away from Shiro.

“He was thirteen.”

The yellow paladin presses his hands to his eyes. He tries visibly hard to compose himself. He fails.

“…I see.”

“My fiancé often said he must have been born blond.”

“Boy, do I have news for you.”

Shiro raises his eyebrows. “More news than your recording of Lance processing his love?”

“There was an incident beforehand,” Hunk explains. “You know how Lance does those leg stretches sometimes? When we have agility training?”

Shiro inclines his head.

“Well, apparently last week he did them in front of Keith and Keith was so distracted he walked into a wall and broke his nose. He had to go into a healing pod.”

Truly, Shiro would love to say that he’s surprised. He’d love to say that his brother, known gay, was not so fixated on a cute boy that he walked into a whole ass wall hard enough to break his nose. He would love for that to be true.

But he knows his dumbass brother.

“Oh my God.”

“And he still isn’t picking up Lance’s hints.”

“Oh my God.”

Hunk nods, patting Shiro’s hand sympathetically. “We gotta do something, man. I can’t keep watching this.” He pauses. “Also, I really want to stop hearing about what Lance thinks about Keith’s Galra form. I really can’t hear any more talk about fangs in places fangs should not be placed. It’s not good for my mental health.”

Shiro sighs. Even he has heard Lance’s mutterings about Keith’s fangs, and Lance still gets all shy and star-struck around him. At this point it’s gotta be a human rights violation.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he promises.

———

He finds his brother in the training room, because of course he does, getting absolutely demolished by the training bot.

“You’re getting your ass kicked,” Shiro observes.

Keith grunts.

Shiro makes himself comfortable at the edge of the mat, sticking a straw in a juice pouch and sipping it leaisurely as he watches the twerp get pummelled. It’s amusing, in the way watching those test-dummy car crashes are amusing. Or videos of kids crying in fear of Santa Claus.

“Level failed,” echoes the pleasant voice of Space Siri, as Lance and Pidge have dubbed the disembodied robot voice of the training room. “Try again?”

“Fuck off,” Keith mutters to it.

Shiro stretches out and pokes him with his toe. Keith only half-heartedly tries to slice him about it.

“Somebody’s brooding.”

Evidentially deciding he would rather vent in Shiro’s direction than fall for Shiro’s transparent attempts to goad him into a fight, he flops down dramatically, stealing Shiro’s juice pouch and rudely sucking back the rest of it. Fucker.

“He’s so confusing,” he says, free arm flailing. “Just — all the time.”

Shiro politely refrains from asking him to clarify. He knows who he’s talking about.

“Hm,” he says instead, supportively. “How unfortunate for you.”

“Right!” He throws his hands up in the air, sending his bayard flying in one direction and the empty juice pouch in another. Shiro watches it go with great sadness. “One second it’s — Keith, you suck so bad, ugh, you’re such a weird dweeb. And the next it’s I’m hanging out with Coran and you’re not allowed to come and also I hate you.” He looks at Shiro expectantly. “He’s so!” He gestures vaguely. Shiro assumes it’s meant to mean something.

Shiro stares at him.

“See, to me there’s no dichotomy there,” he says slowly. “You said that as if it was two different sentiments. But in fact that was the same opinion expressed twice.”

“The tone was different,” Keith insists. “The dweeb thing is affectionate. He says it in a friendship way. I’m sure of it.”

“Friendship,” Shiro echoes.

“Exactly,” Keith agrees.

Shiro hums. He’s quite sure, now, that he is not going to explain to Keith in any words of his own how much of an oblivious dumbass he is. There is no sentence or string of sentences that Shiro can use to demonstrate just how obvious Lance is being, and how obtusely Keith is responding. He’s going to have to be clearer than that.

But. For his own amusement.

“Could you maybe explain how Lance shows his friendship to you? So I can better understand, of course.”

“Well, for starters, he says we’re enemies but always wants to pair up,” Keith says. “That’s friendship, right?”

“That’s certainly one way to put it, sure.”

“And the fact that we hang out so often.”

“Of course.”

“And the clothes stealing, of course. Lance says I have gross mullet germs but he’s always stealing my jackets, so that doesn’t add up.”

Shiro purses his lips. That is — whew. Poor Lance is in the trenches.

Keith pouts. “I just don’t get why he flips around it all the time, man. I mean, one second he’s all smiles and nudging my shoulders, and the next he’s bright red and stomping away. He’s so confusing!”

Shiro can take this no longer.

“Keith, I am going to show you something,” he says, digging his phone out of his pocket and pulling up the file Hunk sent him. “Okay?”

“…Okay,” Keith says hesitantly.

Shiro stares at him for a moment longer. Then he sighs, shoves the phone into Keith’s hands, and presses play.

The video starts shaky, audio muddled, and when it clears Lance is lying sprawled on Hunk’s bed, pillow strewn dramatically to the side.

“I just wish I could get it through his fool head that he is loved by me particularly in such a way that I want to hold hands and kiss and generally be nuisances of the affectionate kind. You know, romance,” he is saying.

Keith goes still next to him. With every passing word his jaw drops lower and lower.

“You could also ask him out like a man,” Hunk is explaining.

“Choke and die,” responds video-Lance, and then the audio cuts. Shiro puts his phone away.

“So?”

“I have to go immediately,” Keith says. He’s up and halfway out the door before Shiro can blink.

“Shower first!” he calls. “You just sweated it up with the training hot for God knows how long. Wash off before you do anything romcom-y.” Keith disappears around the corner. “Keith, do you hear me? Shower first! Keith!”

———

next

[writer-in-theory]

nothing can be certain except (death) and taxes

Summary: When the words on a person's skin are the last words their soulmate will say before death separates them, Steve has never hated being loved so much. Pairing: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove Rating: Teen Word Count: 2.3k Content Warnings: Temporary Character Death (EMPHASIS ON THE TEMPORARY), Canon-Typical Violence, Descriptions of Injuries Read On AO3: Coming soon (to a theatre near you) A/N: This is my contribution to the Harringrove Relay Race! Thank you so much for letting me participate again, this was so much fun to work on. @harringrove-relay-race

Steve always hated the idea of soulmates. 

The idea of a perfect match out there for him could have been a comfort, if it weren’t for the words carried on his arm his entire life. How cruel was it, for the universe to have perfect matches but only confirm them at the end of their time together? The words could’ve been a comfort, if they weren’t the confirmation of the last words he’d ever hear from his soulmate before they left the world permanently. 

I love you.

How cruel of his soulmate, to leave him with those words. 

Steve didn’t know Billy was his soulmate—there was no way of knowing, really—but he knew. It was obvious in the way that Steve’s entire world changed the moment Billy moved to town, and in the way that even hearing his voice was enough to bring a smile to Steve’s face. 

The other man hadn’t made it easy, especially in the early days when he was more a feral cat who struck out at any signs of affection made toward him. He could be rude, and often picked fights first rather than try to talk things out, but he was also fiercely protective of the people he cared about, and the more people who cared in return the more Billy seemed incapable of going without a gentle touch, even if it meant most of the time he and Steve ended up tangled together in a pretzled mess when they spent time with one another.

And the thing was, Steve was happy. Totally, painfully so. He looked upon Billy and wondered how anyone could ever make him feel so much all at once. Then he’d look down at his own arm and wonder how much it would hurt to go back to how it had been before, without Billy.

The Upside Down had taken so much from too many people, but Steve knew, standing on the second floor of Starcourt Mall, that he would be the one to ensure its downfall, no matter what.

Time moved both too slow and too fast, leaving Steve helpless to watch as Billy stood between El and the Mind Flayer, arms stretched out wide as if to accept his fate without fear.

He heard screaming, likely some of it was his own. He wasn’t sure how he made it to Billy’s side so quickly, just that he blinked and suddenly his knees were stained red from all of the blood spilling from Billy now. 

“Why’d you have to do that, you asshole?” Steve felt like he was choking on every breath, the air stinging against his chest as he watched Billy’s chest stutter and falter painfully. Please, take the air from my lungs. I don’t want it if you’re not here. 

“‘m sorry.” Billy’s eyes were on Max’s then, but the hand Steve was holding squeezed, as if to let him in on the secret too. 

He knew Billy had a complicated relationship with his step-sister, one that he’d admitted could have been better once they got out from under his dad’s roof. If they had more time.

It was like Steve was watching all of the time they were supposed to have melt away around them. It seeped out onto the floor like the blood that was supposed to be keeping Billy’s heart beating. 

“You’re supposed to stay,” Steve said the moment Billy’s attention turned to him. There was a glassiness to the man’s eyes, as though he wasn’t really seeing Steve. He’d take it anyway, because there wasn’t enough time to wait for Billy’s attention to refocus. He wasn’t sure it ever would. “What happened to graduating and getting the hell outta here? Getting in your car and just taking off?”

He’d balked at the idea of driving off without any plan, with minimal bags packed. Now, Steve would do anything if it meant they could have that future. They could slowly make their way to California, stopping at all of the cheesy tourist sites along the way. Steve would wrestle Billy into a dorky hat at the largest ball of yarn in the country and would make a solid attempt at getting arrested for trying to pet a bear at Yellowstone. He’d share sketchy motel rooms with him and complain about how uncomfortable the mattresses were, and even accept the teasing about him being a rich kid through and through.

He’d take all of it, for just a little bit of time.

Billy was coughing now, and the dark blood staining his lips and chin were only another sign of the inevitable. Even through all of that, he managed to say something. 

“I lo—”

“No,” Steve snapped out, hand still holding Billy’s squeezing tightly. No, it wasn’t time. He wasn’t ready to lose him, not when they were just finding out that they’d been right this whole time. “No, don’t say it.”

If he didn’t say it, they could have more time. They could have more, as long as those three words on Steve’s arm were never spoken aloud.

Except the light in Billy’s eyes faded all the same, and the words he’d never actually said felt like a mockery on Steve’s arm.

“Steve, you have to go to the funeral. You’ll be upset with yourself later if you don’t.”

Robin still came by, sometimes. He wasn’t good company, hadn’t been since Starcourt, but she sat with him anyway.

“He’s not dead,” Steve said, arms curling tighter around his pillow like if he just held on it might feel like Billy eventually.

“Steve.” The words were sad, wobbly with tears he knew she was trying to bravely fight off. 

“He’s not. He didn’t say it, so he’s not gone.”

They’ve had this conversation before. Once, three days after Starcourt when she was still required to watch over him in case his head injury from the Russian interrogation turned for the worst. It had been in the late hours of the night, both of them laid in his bed awake and staring at the ceiling. She’d turned to face him, hand coming out to hold onto her friend when he admitted what he knew. 

Billy couldn’t be dead, because if he was then he would’ve said it.

“I know you lo—” The word cracked harshly on her tongue. “I know how important he was to you. But he’s, there’s no way he made it. You know that, right? He’d want you to move on.”

The thought alone had a dull laugh building in Steve’s chest. The longer it sounded the more hysterical it came, until he was laughing and letting out hoarse sobs in between. Robin’s eyes were wide and her lips were parted in both shock and horror at the outburst, clearly not knowing how to handle him now.

“He wouldn’t,” Steve said once the laughter died down, leaving behind only the tears. “The bastard would’ve told me not to move on. He’d expect a mourning widow for at least a decade, maybe two. But I won’t do that because he didn’t say the words so he’s not dead. He can’t be, he’s too stubborn to die in this fucking town.”

“Have you…you didn’t say the words on his arm either.” Max, the little traitor. “You’re allowed to love someone even if they’re not the one, you know? Maybe there’s someone else out there, and that’s not to say you have to stop loving him, just that you can love this person too.”

It was the more reasonable answer, but the mere thought of accepting that Billy was truly gone sent his heart threatening to burst straight out of his chest. There had to be another explanation, because there was no way that the guy who snuck out near every night despite the threat of discovery simply so Steve wouldn’t be lonely in his big, empty home wasn’t his soulmate.

“I can’t mourn someone who’s not dead, Robin. Tell Max and Susan I’m sorry.”

When the Upside Down inevitably came back, Steve didn’t feel his usual amounts of fear.

He was determined—completely focused and ready to take down the thing that had taken too much from him already. 

When Max admitted that the visions being sent to her by the fucking thing were of Billy, Steve thought he’d only ever see in shades of red. 

Because how dare that monster try to twist and mutilate any of Max’s affection for her brother into something like guilt? How dare he try to ruin the shaky truce that they’d come to just before Billy died?

How dare that monster wear Billy’s face, and use his voice?

Even if it took the rest of him, Steve would make sure that nothing from the Upside Down to crawl its way into Hawkins ever again.

“Steve! What the hell happened?” That was Robin’s voice, though it sounded further away than he thought she actually was. 

He was still seeing in tunnel vision, vision slightly blurry and blood pounding in his ears as he surveilled the scene, ensuring no more of those demobats had appeared.

He didn’t even feel the bites taken out of him until the others got near, Nancy’s worried gaze focused on the exposed skin just above his hips. 

“Hey guys, I think I found the gate,” Steve forced out on his next heaving breath.

That was a lot of blood, wasn’t it? It seemed the Upside Down took his promise seriously and would try to take literal pieces of him with it. 

That was fine, so long as this ended with Vecna’s plan stopped short in its tracks.

“Something’s coming,” Eddie called out, eyes watching the treeline ahead of them as Nancy and Robin looked over Steve’s wounds. They wouldn’t be fatal, at least not for awhile yet. He still had enough time to avenge his soulmate’s not-death.

Steve didn’t have his trusty nail bat, or much else in the way of a weapon. But he’d taken down a pack of demobats with nothing but his hands (and teeth), so whatever had the nerve to attack them now would come to regret it, of that he was sure.

It had to be another trick. Maybe this was Vecna trying to take hold of Steve’s guilt now, forcing him to see the one thing that repeated in his head every night in his dreams. Because walking out of the trees now was Billy fucking Hargrove, still in a bloodstained white tank though having also acquired a jacket that looked suspiciously like one Steve used to wear constantly in his earlier high school years. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” the fake Billy called out, “you’re doing what the fucker wants.”

Robin was nudging Steve’s arm, threatening to send him toppling into the dirt with how unsteady his injuries had already made him. She looked more hopeful than he felt, watching him with confusion as if she expected Steve to take off running into fake-Billy’s arms without question.

He knew Billy couldn’t be dead, but why the fuck would he be here?

The fake-Billy was upon them now, stood in front of Steve and looking at him with one eyebrow raised. It was this look that made Steve’s knees crumple in on his own weight, because God that was such a Billy move to challenge him even while announcing his not-death.

“You’re not dead,” Steve gasped out, stumbling back a step in an attempt to stay upright. “I knew you weren’t dead.”

“Then why d’you still look like you’re seeing a ghost, Harrington?”

The smile on Billy’s face was small, a little tug of the corner of his lips like he was still insistent on hiding it around other people. It said enough, though. 

This was Billy, back from the dead. He hadn’t said the words and he hadn’t died, and all of that time Steve thought they’d lost was never really gone after all. 

The kiss was pretty bad, by Steve Harrington standards. He rushed forward too roughly and their teeth clicked together awkwardly as Steve grabbed both sides of Billy’s face and pressed their mouths together. They had a better kiss right after, when Steve pulled back and watched Billy with a wild gaze until the blonde pressed their lips together again, hands holding onto Steve so tightly he was sure there’d be bruises left behind later. He didn’t care, not when it was another sign that Billy hadn’t truly been gone.

There was something desperate and wild in Billy’s eyes too, like he hadn’t quite believed this moment would ever happen either. Steve didn’t know what he had to go through to survive this long in the Upside Down, and while he’s sure he’ll find out eventually he can’t bring himself to care in the moment because all he could think was Billy isn’t dead.

“I lo—”

“I know, me too,” Steve cut him off, never wanting to hear those words in Billy’s voice. He knew, too, that eventually he would just as he’d known that their end did not come in the main walkway of Starcourt Mall. But for now, he could find peace in delaying the inevitable, in letting their hold on each other say everything those words could have and more.

There was still so much to do, too many important parts of their lives to fight for and protect. It felt a little more possible, though, with Billy by his side.

After all, who else could say they cheated the universe? They’d confirmed for themselves what everyone else could only guess at: Steve Harrington and Billy Hargrove were meant for each other, and it was as simple as that.

I am so pleased to hand it off to the amazing and lovely @greyghoulclub ✨

[atlasxspeaks]

Background: Inspired by @be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie Secret Mating Nocorro AU where they mate after the final battle, and Ronal finds out leading to everyone finding out. She calls an entire meeting between elders, Jake, Neytiri, Mo’at, Norm, and Max to discuss how to break the bond. Some elders and Mo’at don’t think they should intervene at all, but Neytiri and Ronal are furious, deeply bothered by the idea that Eywa would allow a human to experience something as sacred as a mating bond. Neteyam is forced to attend this meeting, but Spider doesn’t because he’s not mentally well enough. Neteyam finally snaps at everyone after Jake, in an attempt to mediate, says that Neteyam will just stay away from Spider until the bond dissolves.

—————————————————————

“I won’t.”

Mo’at ears perk up in surprise at her grandson’s defiance. Neteyam has never been a child known to defy his parents anything; he was always obedient and respectful. His body shows no signs of anger, but his eyes hold contempt to a degree she has never seen. Jake and all the other elders in the hut also seem surprised by the boy’s refusal.

“Boy, -”

“Don’t call me that,” Neteyam snaps back, sitting up straighter against the hut’s wall and looking his father dead on, “Don’t treat me like a disrepectful child. Like I’m being unreasonable.”

Jake looks as though Neteyam had struck him, and for all it matters, he might as well have. Mo’at can see contempt in his eyes, and it seems to be verging on hate. Hate is something no son should feel toward their father. She wants to reach out to her grandson to stop him, comfort him even, to do anything to stop what she fears is coming, but she is frozen by that look in his eyes.

Neteyam stands, swaying a bit from the position change. He is still weak from being shot but strong enough to move with some assistance. He looks around the hut, first at his mother and then at the rest of them, his gaze falling directly on Ronal.

“You all stand here and judge me for my choices as if you know anything about me. And you judge Spider as if any of you even know him beyond him being human. You talk of controlling my future as if you are Eywa herself and I have had enough! I mated Spider, and it will remain that way!”

“Neteyam-” Jake moves towards his son, but he pushes Jake back.

“No! I have had enough of you!”

Everyone bulks at that. No Navi child has ever talked down to their parents; it simply doesn’t happen. Mo’at feels a familiar feeling of dread pool in her stomach. The look in Neteyam’s eyes has only grown darker.

“All my life, I have done nothing but obey you,” Neteyam speaks softly now, poking Jake in the chest before grabbing his war vest. “I have been nothing but be an obedient son, a protective brother, a perfect heir. Every rule you have given me, I have followed.” A tear falls from Neteyam’s eye, illuminated by the sunlight filtering through the hut’s ceiling. He looks like he’s rallying himself to speak again. Mo’at fears that whatever he says next will be the worst thing yet.

“And what has it gotten me?”

“I have no home. I can barely walk. Kiri has no friends. Lo’ak nearly died multiple times, and Tuk can barely sleep without nightmares. I followed you without complaint when you made me leave my home. I obeyed you when you ordered me not to go after Spider, and I trusted you when you said they would not hurt him. And now, he can barely speak! He cannot sleep, he cannot eat! I trusted you when you said he would be safe and he is a shell! I have no mate because of you!”

“I have done everything you have ever asked and it has gotten me NOTHING!”

“…I am done obeying you.”

Neteyam lets go of Jake’s vest with a finality that takes all the breath out of Mo’at lungs. His eyes no longer hold all the anger and contempt they once did, the tears he’s cried washing those emotions away in streaks down his face. Now his eyes just look empty. His gaze moves away from his father to the rest of the room.

“Spider is my mate. It is done. If you will not have us here, then we will go somewhere else.”

Mo’at wishes she could be proud of the level of emotions her normally reserved grandson is showing, but she cannot be. Neteyam is finally coming into his own at the cost of his relationship with his parents. How could she not have seen this coming?

———

Not my best but I got inspired from the scene in Outerbanks season 3 where Sarah yells at Ward for all the bad things he’s don’t and what she lost because of him and I think Neteyam and Jake dynamic would mirror theirs but in a less abusive way is he mated and refused to leave Spider behind.

[ariaste]

Hi! Regarding your recent post about how you taught your writing workshops, I was reading through it and was feeling very inspired (you sound amazing as a teacher), but I also really wish I had a community like that. Since I'm currently focusing on an original work, I was wondering how do you go about finding fellow writers/betas that you can trust with work and form a mutual writing relationship with? I've looked for and joined many communities like Nanowrimo and discord servers over the years, yet nothing seemed to click? So yeah sorry for the bother but I was wondering if you had any advice :D

Re: "you sound amazing as a teacher" -- aw thanks! I was an INCREDIBLE teacher. That might sound kind of vain to say with so much assurance, but it truly was the first time in my life where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing a really, really fucking good job. (And that's WITH my anxiety, so like. Oof.) I just set out on purpose to be the kind of teacher I always longed to have when I was an apprentice writer, and that got me most of the way there. The rest was just spite for all the shitty creative writing classes I'd had before LOL. I'd already seen all the mistakes myself from the other side, so I just came up with better ways of doing things. And then day one of class, I had them all do a self-assessment of what they wanted to learn in the class, what fears they had, etc, and I was really struck by how universal the sense of insecurity and under-confidence was in all their replies. So that just confirmed what I already suspected, to wit: my ONE JOB (and again, this was a "writing and publishing scifi/fantasy" class) was just to hammer in the idea of, "Your ideas ARE cool, the things you think are cool ARE IN FACT COOL, you ARE allowed to write about queer dragons or whatever and that's an awesome thing to be doing and I'm HERE FOR IT." If the one thing a student takes from a creative writing class is more confidence in their writing and more trust in themself, then the goal has been achieved. If a teacher says anything else, we're verging on snobbery (Iowa Writer's Workshop can go get fucked btw)

ANYWAY.

Finding a beta you click with is a lot like finding a friend or a romantic partner who you click with. That is: there's a lot of fish in the sea, but not all of them are going to be right for you, and sometimes it takes a while to find that special person. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things, though, so just keep at it.

That said, a couple lifehacks: do NOT talk about your work with the vibes of "hey, i'm looking for a beta, does anyone want to beta for me?" because (at least in my experience) those acquaintances often turn out to be sort of transactional and shallow -- think of people who walk into any situation like "hey will you be my girlfriend? i'm looking for a girlfriend. do you want to date me as my girlfriend??? will someone please be my girlfriend?" rather than trying to make genuine connections with people as *people* versus the role that the girlfriend-seeker wants to put them in. (Exception to this: Fandom-specific servers where you are looking for a beta for a fic. Then it's less weird to ask out loud for a beta, because you've already established a mutual shared interest/passion. It's not cold-calling in the same way, you get me??)

Instead, aim to project vibes of "I'm having so much fun playing in my sandbox :) I am having so much fun by myself, maybe too much fun in fact [psychically broadcasting that the fun is in such abundance around here that there would be enough to share if someone happened to wander past...]" Post about your work, talk about it in public, give people little excerpts or tidbits you're proud of. Look for people who express interest in the sort of fun you're having, and then start up conversations about it. Look for people who are having the sort of fun of their own that you're interested in, compliment them on it and ask questions, and build a relationship. (If they're writing the sort of thing you're into, chances are that you're writing the sort of thing they're into. Not always, but frequently!)

Sometimes it is possible to take an existing friend who is interested in your work (or at least supportive of it and loving of you) and kind of train them into being a great beta reader even if they themselves are not really a writer. It takes a lot of self-knowledge of what you're looking for and what you need in terms of feedback, it takes some patience and trust in your relationship with them, it takes the ability to negotiate boundaries and ask really good questions, and it takes a friend who is game to try and who likes the sort of things you like. (Personal recommendation: Don't try to get feedback from someone who isn't even interested in the genre that you're writing. A dedicated literary fiction fan is probably going to have a REAL hard time appreciating your gruesome scifi horror book for what it is, and if they're not familiar with the genre conventions, their suggestions are predisposed to be kind of Weird and Not Right For What You're Writing. Accept their love and support, but also accept that neither of you are going to have a good time if they try to beta for you.)

Trying to build relationships in an open community like a forum or a Discord server is a good way to cast a wide net, but all deep lasting relationships happen on a single line between you and the other person, so look for opportunities to talk to people one-on-one in DMs to build that kind of creative intimacy.

It takes time! But if you're open about the things that are bringing you joy and you're talking about them and setting them out in plain sight, the right people will eventually be drawn to your joy/fun like moths to a flame. Humans cannot resist that shit.

If you've been doing that and it's still not working, check in with yourself -- is your project actually bringing you joy, or are you going through the motions? Readjust, reorient yourself, try again. Lean into it. Go hard or go home. If you're really truly genuinely having fun by yourself, then your eventual readers will too.

If you're doing all THAT and it's STILL not working (that is, if people are expressing initial interest but you can't hold their attention and they wander off once they read your work), then that's a signal that you've got a tension problem.

GOOD LUCK. You will find your people eventually, just keep going! :)

[ashdash2417]

K, y’all. Can we talk about the abandonment issues Uzi may have?

(The info I’m about to share is just my thoughts on all this. I could be right on some parts, and I could be wrong. Again, I’m just sharing what I think based on stuff we’ve seen from the series. Anyways.)

What inspired me to make this was this very moment right here.

“Are you like, gonna leave me?”

You can tell by her voice that she was scared. Scared that the only friend she’s ever had, the only friend that she’s made her whole life was going to leave her, and it certainly didn’t help that N and V got along well with the other students. Doing some activities together, having fun, playing around and stuff.

I think seeing this, this was the starting point of that fear in this episode. (I’m a little certain that in general, this may go back as early as the first episode, but I’ll talk about that in a bit.)

Here’s that fear she shows after investigating a little bit in the cabin, watching her closest friend get along and interacting with her classmates, despite having been a literal killing machine. And to add salt to the wound, he did so in such a short time. Something that she herself has never really accomplished the whole time she’s been in school.

Some jealousy may also be shown because of this, as she was talking to V, who was also doing well interacting with her classmates.

“Just.. so glad you guys fit right in. Suuuper cool.”

As we all know, Uzi certainly isn’t the most popular girl in school (which btw… relatable imo). In fact, Rebecca had said that she was “super unpopular” when she (well, the top half of her anyways, hehe) reunited with a few drones, whom I’m assuming are her friends.

Uzi doesn’t fit in. She’s like an outcast to her classmates. The “freak” of the bunch. She stands out from the rest of them.

“… You freak us out.”

“But mostly bite me!”

(I’m sorry, I wanted to include that second part here, whether it was relevant or not pfbt. Anyways.)

And it’s not just her classmates that practically outcasted her. Hell, her own father left her to be murdered by the same kind of drone that took away his wife (well, technically, the same kind of drone that struck her with nanite acid, leading to him putting her out of her misery, according to himself from the pilot, but anyways). Now, he may have been too terrified to take action and save his own daughter, possibly reliving the trauma of what happened to Nori. He probably couldn’t fathom having to do the same thing he did to his wife to Uzi. But it still does not justify leaving her, his own daughter, for dead. That is a really shitty dad move there, Khan.

(Or I could be overthinking on that part, and Khan could just be a really shitty father, but anyways)

The way Uzi may have taken it, was that he prioritized his precious doors over her. Having put up more doors to keep himself, and everyone else in the bunker, safe from drones like N. She wasn’t important enough to be saved at the moment she needed him most. Her father- the one who’s supposed to have her back, no matter what happened, the one who’s supposed to protect her whenever things go from bad to worse- had left her to be killed by a murder drone. (Possibly, I’m just spitballin here)

Once this happened, Uzi now has no one she can really trust to stick with her, no one she can rely on for support. She has no friends, barely has family; her father isn’t much like a father to her at all, let’s be honest.

(I would say Thad is the only one she kinda had, but if I remember correctly, they barely knew each other to be considered close friends in the pilot. The only reason Thad knew Uzi (or knew of Uzi) was because she’s Khan’s daughter. That was it.)

(Another thing I wanna add is how neglectful as a father Khan has been, even before the pilot. Hell, the posters that we see can speak volumes of how their relationship is. Not to mention he’s never really spent much (if any) quality time with her, too busy focusing on his obsession with doors.)

(One more thing to add: remember when Uzi told Thad one of the reasons she made her sick as hell railgun was to earn her father’s respect? …That’s just another point I wanna make about the infamous Doorman and how well he’s raised his daughter.) :)

So yeah, Uzi never really had anyone close to her in her life, meaning that she didn’t have anyone to trust, either.

Until this goober shows up.

(Or more like, he was about to kill her until she blew his head off, but that’s not the point.)

Of course, we all know they didn’t become best friends right away. Because he’s a disassembly drone, and she’s a worker drone, and… yeah.

If it wasn’t for Khan backing away from the fight and closing the door on Uzi, Uzi probably would’ve been dead right then and there. N probably would’ve killed her and everyone else without much of a second thought. However!

Considering how he told Uzi about V and J, he didn’t have the best relationship with either of them. (his crush on V seemed one-sided, at least in that flashback where V’s character was introduced? And J just straight up insulting him while stepping on him, and talking about how she’d kill him if she were allowed to.) He didn’t seem to have anyone to consider a friend either, at least mutually. For the longest time, it was just N, V, and J, doing their jobs, working together on killing the worker drones and such.

Then, what Uzi said to him about how the company treats the drones had created some doubts. N never questioned JCJenson and their motives until Uzi came along. And because of that, he almost died via a virus put in by J.

Then, after Uzi saves him from dying, and after they both stop V and J from killing the worker drones, N still stood by her side. N has never given her a reason not to trust him after that. He’s been with her the whole time after Uzi banished herself, and he’s never left her like the other drones have.

I’m thinking, after Uzi had banished herself from the colony, N could have left her on her own, he could’ve refused to let her go with him and V back to the landing pod, but he didn’t. (Not only because Uzi had encouraged him to look at the bigger picture, so to speak, but it also would’ve been out of character for N of all people (or robots in this case lol) to just deny her of joining the squad. He’s such a goddamn softy, let’s be real here.)

(Also, I wanna point out that from N’s perspective, she was the one who encouraged him to become an “angsty, rebellious disassembly drone” in the first place. If it wasn’t for her, he would never even question why they’re killing worker drones to begin with (other than to consume the oil for survival, of course). If it wasn’t for her, he’d still be out murdering. She was the one who respected him more than V or J ever did combined. (Well, in V’s case, this would be after her memories became messed up anyways. She did seem to like him when they were worker drones themselves.))

So yeah, this whole time, N has been the only one Uzi had ever really had throughout the series. N has been the only one that didn’t treat her like a freak, nor had insulted or threatened her in any way (lookin at you, V!). And most importantly, he was the only one that never left her at all. He stood by her side, he had her back, and she had his, and they stuck together, especially through the scary stuff.

So going back to episode 4, that was the first time since they’ve met that they were really separated. And the one time they weren’t with each other, Uzi had taken her solver form for the first time, and had killed her own classmates as a result.

Had N been with her while she was investigating stuff, chances of Uzi taking her solver form happening probably would’ve been really low.

Hell, this whole thing probably happened because she was alone, because nobody was with her, and she didn’t want to be left alone again, and she was scared that she was going to be left alone again after seeing N interact with the other students!

TLDR: Uzi probably has abandonment issues, and was scared the only friend she has was going to leave her like everyone else had in her life.

I wanted to make a long rant about this because it’s been on my mind off and on for a while, especially after hearing Uzi’s voice when she asks N if he’s going to leave her (god that really hurts!), and as sucky as I am with words, I wanted to try anyways. Hope y’all enjoyed. 😁😅 (and now to end this on a lil lighter note, here’s an image of a robot huggy)

[ghostinthegallery]

Re-reading Twice Dead King, the character I was most struck by on a second viewing was Mentep. Now there’s a tragic figure. Simultaneously a mentor, an ally, an antagonist, someone so terribly understandable who I want to smack upside the head for being a lying liar who lies.

Ultimately, Mentep is a penitent. He has committed terrible acts (that we only get scant details of) and he wants to redeem himself. Thanks to his tampering with his own memories, he doesn't fully know what he is repenting for, which puts him in a bind. However, he knows that he played a role in creating the flayer curse/longing sickness, so he goes to a planet where a high concentration of them have gathered and works on his cure. He's respected, he's able to do his work with only occasional interruptions from the local angsty youth. Things are good-ish (until the armada shows up.)

Mentep and Oltyx have a weird relationship. Despite being his normal asshole-teenager self, Oltyx does respect Mentep more than most. Trusts Mentep enough to let the guy perform experimental brain surgery on him. Twice. And Mentep is able to be much more candid with Oltyx in return. He's one of the few consistently calling Oltyx out for his bullshit. On the surface, it is a standard mentor relationship, but what got me on a second reading is that there is hardly a single conversation Mentep has with Oltyx where he isn’t lying to and/or manipulating him.

It starts early with Yenekh. Mentep knows Yenekh has been suffering from the curse, he hasn’t told Oltyx, and when he finally has to tell him, he conveniently does so right before distracting everyone with the “oh btw, we’re all gonna die to a giant human armada” news. This is done with the best of intentions. Mentep wants to protect Yenekh (and Oltyx, in his way), so he delivers the news this way to get the bad news out of the way and then both of them on the same side. But it is the start of a pattern.

Which we get again when Mentep fails to mention a that Antikef is a flayer den ruled by a “We have Illuminor Szeras at home” Vizier, and boy does that end badly for Oltyx (see the last 60% of Ruin). Naturally, Mentep has a good explanation:

But it is another lie, one that costs Oltyx dearly (put a pin in this, I am coming back to it.)

There's some little fibs and ommissions along the way as they go to Carnotite, but it all builds up to The Big Lie. The one that sends Oltyx spiraling and gets Mentep killed. Because you know what really helps with paranoia? Finding out your mentor and your best friend have been hiding a secret blood pit in your basement! Again, it makes sense why Mentep is lying about this! He has every reason to believe Oltyx would have rejected the flayed ones he and Yenekh were sheltering (he in fact does exactly this), and Mentep's entire goal is to cure the curse to atone for his role in its creation. However...

I think Oltyx is correct to call Mentep out here (Oltyx is wrong about most things, but not this). Somewhere a long the way he became a means to an end for Mentep. Mentep was focused on The Curse and not the person in front of him who was cursed. He used Oltyx's friendship with Yenekh, his need to save his kingdom, his trust, his fears, all in service of admirable goals, but he was using Oltyx. Is it any wonder this is where it ended?

The lies were Mentep's undoing from the start. Remember the lie about Antikef? The one that led to all the events of Ruin? Yes, Oltyx and Djoseras did talk and avoid a civil war, but Oltyx also went through hell. He saw his home turned into an abbattoir, his father reduced to barely more than an animal. Oltyx was literally vivisected and almost consumed by his own dysphoria. And then committed regicide after leaving his brother behind to die. Antikef is where Oltyx truly learned that compassion was weakness and saw how horrific the flayer curse could become. So how was he ever going to accept the flayed ones as Mentep wanted him to? Oltyx experienced the comically perfect combination of traumas to ensure that would never happen, thanks in part to Mentep's manipulations.

I cannot stress enough that Mentep's individual lies all made sense at the time. May have even been the best option, at the time. But the consequences piled up, and even as he is dying he still refuses to give Oltyx even a scrap of the truth. That is the core of his tragedy for me. Well, that and this:

He bases all of his manipulations on his understanding of people's psyche's, which are usually accurate, but it also traps them. It gives them no room to grow or surprise him or for outside factors to come in and intervene. Contrast this with Zultanekh, who is upfront to a fault. He gives Oltyx advice and resources, but what Oltyx does with those things is up to him. Even when he is screwing up royally, he's allowed to make those mistakes. Mentep causes ones of Oltyx's darkest hours (the secret blood pit), while Zultanekh lifts him out of another (the Blood Angel's attack). In the end, Zultanekh is the one who sees Oltyx's true growth and witnesses the birth of his kingdom. A birth that comes not from curing the curse but embracing it.

There was never a sickness to be fixed, which means Mentep never would have achieved his redemption because he was focused on the wrong things. Which does make his death and rebirth as Xott a bit of a reflection of Oltyx. He was too burdened in his first life, but in his second he (or at least a version of him) was able to witness the people he hurt reaching a place of peace.