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withoutyouimsaskia · 2 years ago

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Remember Me, Special Dreams

Part III.

GIF: Originally posted by @ravenclairee

Summary: Self-insert. You're having trouble with recurring night terrors and Morpheus pays you a visit. (Title from the lyrics of Placebo’s Special Needs)

Warnings: language, angst, mentions of night terrors.

Word Count: 1.3k

A/N: Hello Tumblr peeps. I’ve had another parasomnia episode since I posted last. This time I thought there was a crack in the ceiling above my bed and there were gelatinous things falling through. Such fun! Hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know what you think, and also if you want to hear more about my night time hallucinations. Have a great day, Saskia

Sandman Masterlist

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You resurface with a nervous energy humming in your bones. You are lying on your side, facing the curtain shrouded window. Thick crusts of sleepy dust have accumulated along your lower lash lines and in the corners of your eyes. You rub them away carefully with an index finger.

A siren wails outside. Your stomach rumbles loudly. Rhythmic ticks emanate from the wristwatch that sits on your bedside table.

There is no doubt that you are awake now.

You exhale shakily, successfully dispelling a single ounce of tension. You immediately feel less anxious, and your following inhales and exhales provide further relief.

That was some dream.

You begin to piece the sections together. Night terror into hallucination, into dream... into whatever the heck that was at the end.

It was a complex beast, but so was your life right now. You were now up to 8 days in a row of these parasomnia episodes. It was getting silly now, you knew this, and you were tired beyond measure, yet you were completely unable to get sustained rest without some kind of subconscious interruption.

And with your emotions in constant overdrive and showing no signs of letting up, you were certain that they were going to continue for a little bit longer.

A frustrated huff of air escapes your lips; you know your swirling mind will stop you from getting back to sleep for a while now.

Your thoughts drift back to your mind-conjured images of the beautiful Dream Man with the ethereal voice. He was a whole other breed of night terror.

You wonder if perhaps you are losing your grip on reality and if a visit to the GP was in order. It was a task for tomorrow though, as there was no way you could make contact in the middle of the night.

You roll onto your back and realise that your lamp is on. You guess you must have fallen asleep again before getting a chance to switch it off after the hallucination part of your night.

You turn another 90 degrees, further towards the warm glow that pervades the space around you. By this point, the energy saving bulb has heated up enough, not only to successfully cast light across your whole mattress but also illuminate the face of the 'Dream Man' who is sitting on the chair across the room.

"Oh fuck!" You exclaim, recoiling away from him.

Your heart rate picks up like a sprinter off the starting blocks.

The man holds his hands up, palms facing you in a show of peace.

His voice rumbles with the same rainstorm-like quality as it did before.

"I will not hurt you. You have my word."

You're not listening to him in the slightest though. Your chest is pounding painfully and you are worried you may vomit. A stream of consciousness falls from your lips instead.

"You're real. You're fucking real. Fuck! And I'm wearing next to nothing. Fuck!"

You're looking down at your bare legs peeking out from the tousled covers and hastily rearrange them to regain some dignity.

You look back to him and fix him with an accusatory stare.

"You have some serious explaining to do."

"I agree. Where would you like to begin?"

Your eyes drift off to the left as you try and choose.

You know that you should probably start with something like ‘why are you here?’ or ‘how did you get in?’ but all you keep coming back to is the question you utter with trepidation:

“Who are you?”

"In the folklore and legends of your world, I am known as The Sandman, The Oneiromancer. Across the other realms, I go by many names. I am Dream of the Endless, Lord Morpheus, The Shaper of Form, Keeper of the Dreaming, King of Dreams, Ruler of Nightmares and Curator of the collective unconsciousness of the universe."

"Okay, Daenerys Targaryen." You stifle a giggle in response to your joke.

He doesn't react.

"Huh, not into Game of Thrones then? You should look it up. Although I would advise sticking to the books. The series got a bit lost towards the end."

He shifts ever so slightly in the seat, the moss green velvet fabric standing out against his dark clothes. You snap back to the present.

You fidget with the seam of the duvet cover as your cheeks flush with blood. His gaze makes you feel insecure.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to start babbling like that. I haven't been sleeping well."

“I know. That is precisely why I am here.”

His hands steeple in front of him. He leans forward, blue eyes trained on you intently.

“It has come to my attention that you have become the recipient of a plague of vicious and unrelenting nightmares. I have also seen a drastic change in your sleeping habits, with a concerning decline in the amount of time that you are spending in the Dreaming.”

This was no surprise to you in the slightest.

You had been deferring your bed time to a later and later point in the hope that you could tire yourself out enough to bypass the nightmares and night terrors. But they would always be there within an hour of your head hitting the pillow and would prevent you from getting no more than two hours of sleep at a time.

The Dream Man rises slowly and fluidly from the chair. His expression is tinged with something you cannot interpret.

“I've been observing you for a number of nights now to try and ascertain the cause of your plight. The very idea that this is happening to you as a result of a defect or weakness in the fabric of my realm truly disturbs me. As of yet, I have been unable to pinpoint the exact reason, however I will do everything in my power to ensure my success.”

He’s close to you now, his glacial scent drifts over you like mist rolling off a waterfall.

“To be unable to sleep is to suffer. I only have to look at you to see that you are suffering and I cannot allow it to continue.”

You know all too well what he is seeing. Your bruised and swollen under-eyes have been the focus of many of the people you have come into recent contact with.

“I don’t know what to say,” you finally speak in a whisper.

“You do not need to say anything, for now you must sleep.”

He turns off your lamp and takes a single step backwards.

“Wait,” you call to him. “I don’t think I can sleep knowing what I now know.”

“You need not worry. I have already selected a dream for you. All you have to do is let it take you.”

“But-.”

“Lie down. Close your eyes.”

You visibly hesitate.

“Do as I say, Y/N.”

You reluctantly recline on your side but do not fulfill his second request.

You gaze at him with glassy, tired eyes.

"I'm afraid."

"They will not come for you, I promise. I will watch over you until morning."

You can't help but believe him.

You re-arrange your pillows and curl into a foetal position.

The Dream Man takes this as a sign that you are ready to sleep, and begins to walk away.

He is wrong.

In your tired delirium, you begin to converse chaotically to his retreating figure.

"You know, I still don’t know what to call you. You said so many names but didn’t tell me which one I was allowed to use."

He turns his head to look back at you.

His reply is a soft intonation that causes shivers to run through your entire body.

“You may call me Morpheus."

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"These are the days. These are the strangest of all. These are the nights. These are the darkest to fall."

Taglist: @pinkcyclewitch @layla2-49 @shoidy-cat @silverhart93 @boofy1998

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violetjedisylveon · 2 years ago

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Eda raises two gods AU

Yes, I've made another AU.

He hatched! Art and AU explanation (explanation may not be as correct anymore)

🛑AU Warnings🛑

There is so much trauma here, just so much of it, you can fit so much trauma into a star child. Main warnings are: child abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, manipulation, trauma, traumatic flashbacks, PTSD, Complex PTSD, implied/referenced death, violence and injury, other bs that is Belos's fault. Then there's chronic pain, self loathing, self esteem and self worth issues and other stuff but you get the jist.

All chapters have their own warnings.

Fics:

Intruder (chap 1) Ao3 link

A Fitting Name (chap 2)

Out Of The Nest (chap 3)

Into The Market (chap 4)

Easy Day (chap 5)

Safe Under Moonlight (chap 6)

Friend? (chap 7)

Forest Encounter (chap 8)

Slip Up (chap 9)

The Beast's Mother (chap 10🎉)

Stitch Up My Guilt (chap 11)

Spoiled Hatchlings (chap 12)

A Weekend At Datura's (chap 13)

Stories And Spirits (And Kitties!) (chap 14)🎂🎉

Starshine (chap 15)

Playdate (chap 16)

Tipping Point (chap 17)

Free Fall (chap 18)

Solid Ground. (chap 19)

Ready Now (chap 20)🎉🎉

Pinkie Swear (chap 21)

To Grandma's House We Go! (chap 22) 🎂🎂🎉🎉

Hanging Out Before School Starts (And Biting Bullies) (chap 23)

Art:

Enzo's disguise

Snugglessss

Enzo and Swamp Kittens 🎂🎉

Datura Isn't Subtle 🎂🎉

Noodle In A Blanket + animatic sneak peek

Character Designs:

Noodle Bellatrix Spring the Grassland Cat Snake

Clover Margay

Gailine Margay

Datura the Werebeast

Celeste The Titan

Ira the Archivist

Other Art Stuff:

A Thing I Did For Fun

Meme dump #1

More memes

Animation/Animatics:

Sleepy Swamp Kitties (animation practice)

More eventually coming soon, I promise... Animation takes a while.... and I keep getting distracted

Other Stuff:

Creature/World building ramble cause Ao3 ran out of characters in the notes

Archivist/Collectors Headcanon

Cross My Heart... (Parts 1-15)

Upcoming multi piece art project

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nikadoesanart · 4 years ago

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My predictions on BSD getting animated going forward

I’ll be taking a look at the novel page counts (Japanese and English) and comparing them to the screen time they’ve gotten so far and then using this to predict how long the remaining light novel adaptations will be (approximately). At the end will also be my rough prediction/hopes for the order of some of these being adapted. I say some because I have yet to read what there is so far of the gaiden novel translations, the main story manga has essentially still been on the DOA arc almost since where the anime left off, and I personally think that it’s currently too soon for Storm Bringer (aside from money purposes).

Note, most of this was written well before the anime 5th anniversary livestream but the announcements wound up not affecting it. I then of course made adjustments as needed account for the novel content we do have so far, both in Japanese and in English (officially).

Page to Episode Count

Not counting the afterward, ads, etc for the English/US copy, Japanese is including it

Also all eng page counts are using the Yen Press release and jp page counts are taken from the fandom wiki

*148 is purely counting the Untold Origins portion of the novel. If we also count the A Day at the Agency short story that’s included before it (56 pages), then we get the full 203

Also the English page count for BEAST was noted before the English release date but after page counts have been posted by affiliated retailers, so subtract a couple pages from the written count of 176 for the time being to account for the afterward and possible character sheets being included

Now that we have our page to episode counts (as of April 5th, 2021), let’s find the actual content run time of what we do have animated so far.

Seasons 1-3 and the OVA all have the same episode length/duration. Each episode is 23 minutes, and we can subtract 3 minutes on average from that to account for the OP and ED being played. This leaves us with an average of 20 minutes of BSD story content per episode. So on average, each of the first 3 seasons contain 240 minutes, or 4 hours, worth of story content.

Dead Apple’s total run time is 91 minutes, with the OP and ED making up 9 of those minutes. However, we do have a bit of the story content being played while the ED is playing (as sometimes happens in the anime as well). To keep the math simple, I’ll be approximating story content time at 82 minutes.

Apply these numbers to the novels that have been animated so far and this is (approximately) what we get:

Now let’s use these numbers to predict the screen time needed for the other novels

Note that we can’t really use Entrance Exam as a fair measure because of how much got cut out (just compare the run time of it to Dark Era and it speaks for itself). However, the numbers for Dark Era and Dead Apple are the best ones to use, as they both have minimal changes between anime and novel and both have official English translations currently available. Take out the approximate time taken up by OP/ED and and the numbers pretty much match up.

So with that being said, we can estimate Untold Origins (only) at approximately 3 eps/60 min and 55 Minutes at 1h 40-55min/100-115 min or 5-6 eps if it doesn’t get a movie. We can also estimate the A Day at the Detective Agency short story at the beginning of Untold Origins to take up about 1 ep, probably even a bit less.

1+ 3 + 5-6 = 9-10 episodes which isn’t enough for a full single cour season unless they all get put into one big OVA season, but also 10-11 eps (or less) seasons are a thing (ie. Fugou Keiji: Balance Unlimited, Blood Lad, Black Butler: Book of Circus, The Seven Deadly Sins: Signs of a Holy War, FLCL)

My personal predictions/hopes for the anime adaptation timeline going forward

This is considering the manga content, current “pausing/stopping points” what wouldn’t be too awkward, each of the novels relevancy/necessity to the main story manga, and assuming we continue with single cour (12-13 ep) seasons

Hopefully/ideally a 55 Minutes movie

S4: ch 54-70

Early S5 (preferably) or end of S4: Untold Origins or A Day at the Agency

S5: ch 71-88/around where we are now?

A Day at the Agency can, in my opinion at least, be chucked in at any point either as a single episode OVA or as the light novel content for s4 (maybe not even taking a full episode and then starting ch 54 in the last few minutes for example). Keep in mind that the current DOA arc is a long one and has plenty to it, so personally I think it may even be better to not include a novel adaptation in a future S4, as it would likely already be a right squeeze content wise. Remember, we also have a few XX.5 chapters that are continuations of the chapter directly before them.

I still need to read what’s currently available of the gaiden novel fan translations but it can probably be adapted at any point as well. I’m estimating approximately 5-6 eps as an OVA series. I don’t really think it would get a movie, partially because you can make it only so long, especially since it’s an anime movie and unlike Storm Bringer, it doesn’t have Chuuya to practically guarantee the profit.

BEAST also doesn’t directly impact the main story and can be adapted at virtually any point. However, seeing as we do have a live action confirmed for it and it’s page count lines up very closely with Dark Era, it can be either 4 eps or (more likely in my opinion) a movie, as it can be considered almost stand alone content.

Personally, I believe it is currently way too soon to animate Storm Bringer as it came out only a little over a month ago (as of writing this) and has minimal plot necessity as of ch 91, but I do believe it should be either split into 2 movies (a part 1 and part 2) or it would need 8 episodes, likely as an OVA season. If it were to get animated sooner than 55 Minutes or Untold Origins, which I believe to be very unlikely, I feel that it would almost certainly be driven by the financial gains of Chuuya being included, and his popularity alone. Reminder, SB is about Chuuya and not SKK. Dazai’s appearance in SB is proportionally a very small percentage and he’s not even mentioned in the official plot summary.

However, you can argue that SB is starting to have some relevance now, with the recent mention of the Order of the Clock Tower in ch 90 and the increased relevance of sealed ability weapons in ch 91. However, I really do believe that you can’t adapt Storm Bringer before 55 Minutes because of Standard Island and its treaty, it also talks about sealed ability weapons, knowing who Wells is, and 55 Minutes canonically takes place during the “downtime” portion of S3. In fact, here’s Asagiri’s words directly from the Afterward (translation by Yen Press):

“this volume didn’t take place in the past, but rather sometime after the tenth volume of the manga. In other words, it’s a tale about the ‘usual’ detective agency in novel format.” (55 minutes, p 237)

Untold Origins also should be adapted sooner rather than later (at least compared to SB in my opinion) because it’s about Ranpo and Fukuzawa’s shared past, which becomes increasingly relevant ch 70 onwards, as well as the need for the ADA being founded (which ties in with Yosano’s backstory in ch 65-66).

In regards to whether I think each of these would be better suited to a movie adaptation or as multiple regular length anime episodes, it’s mainly due to page count and partly due to the budget difference between the two, as well as how difficult I think it would be to animate each of these based on what needs to be drawn. The anime industry isn’t the fastest to switch to newer technology, hence why we see issues with 3D blending sometimes. I really do think that at the very least, 55 Minutes deserves the movie budget because of how detailed and complex the architecture of Standard Island is described as, as well all the mechanical parts needed for the final battle of the novel. Hate the lizard mouths introduced in Dead Apple all you want, but you can’t deny that the 3D cgi was blended very smoothly. For any of the other novels to be movies, it’s more so because gaiden and BEAST can be considered their own stand alone stories that don’t rely too heavily on the main story in terms of when they take place and get adapted. I feel that SB is more likely to get its own season or an OVA season more so due to its length, but multiple part anime movies have also been done before (ie. the Fate/Stay Night: Heaven’s Feel movies), so it’s not entirely impossible. Especially considering that merely having any Chuuya screen time means that you can expect the profit and popularity to really go up, especially with SKK being on screen together (regardless of whether you love or hate how the fandom tends to push a shipping POV on them).

These are all of course just my hopes and predictions and estimates based on information currently available, so take them with some salt. I’d love to hear opinions on how, when, and why each of the currently non animated novels should be adapted going forward. Also please stop begging the relevant BSD official Twitter pages for SB to be animated next and go read the other light novels you Chuuya simp

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd analysis #bsd theories #bsd dead apple #bungo stray dogs #bsd manga #bsd storm bringer #bsd light novel #bsd anime #bsd 55 minutes #bsd beast #bsd gaiden #bsd untold origins

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w2beastars · 8 months ago

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I am sorry, I meant to ask about the new beast complex chapter 23? Good luck!

Oh yes, been waiting for a while to do so, read the in-progress translation months ago and let me tell you, you guys are in for a treat of messed-up Paru gold

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addictedtojmanga · 3 years ago

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Shoujo manga recommendations - misunderstood yankee looking sweet guys

1. Ai Kara Hajimaru

Sakura Ai has always loved sunflowers, as they appear like the sun, which incidentally also was the name of her first crush, Taiyou, in the 3rd grade. From since then, Ai has never had another love and has also become quite introverted, but after meeting a guy with the same name, something’s will begin to change…

2. Akuma ga Kitarite

Ruiji is secretly in love with Wakatsuki. But how can he declare his love when this one is frightened to death every time she meets his eyes?

3. Beast Master

Leo Aoi looks like a crazy animal with wild eyes, and he goes berserk whenever he feels threatened and sees blood. That doesn't stop animal-lover Yuiko Kubozuka from befriending him, however. In fact, Yuiko is the only person Leo will listen to when he has one of his violent fits...

4. Boyfriend no Jouken

Arimura Rin, high school first year. The start of her idolized high school life. Or so she thought! But her class is filled with delinquents, so she only has days filled with fear. On top of that, she ended up pissing off Igarashi Chiaki, an eye-patched boy who snaps when provoked! It’s so not an atmosphere for romance! Even so, she promised her ex-classmates from middle school that she’ll introduce her boyfriend to them, so now she’s in a real pinch!

5. Hamuko to Gao-kun

Kimiko Mihoshi and Gao-kun, the rumored class delinquent, recently became class representatives. While searching for Gao-kun to invite him to a class gathering, she stumbles across him with two nerdy guys and immediately assumes that he is bullying them. She interferes, but only to find out that the three of them are actually close friends, and the rumored delinquent is actually a really nice guy. Furthermore, he even asks Kimiko to be his girlfriend?! What will Kimiko do? Thus begins a new romantic comedy!

6. Hapira Hajimaru

Asai Sachi's luck has always been considered dreadful. After becoming the class president, she meets Kurono Hyougo, a guy with a frightful face who bears various gruesome rumours behind his back. Hyougo had been living alone in an apartment; but when Sachi mistakenly reveals that Hyougo is a minor, he had to be kicked out. Fortunately, Sachi's father is a realtor, and suggested to have Hyougo live in their unused detached house. Would Sachi's bad luck turn upside down upon meeting Hyougo?

7. Haru No Ogawa Wa Dokidoki Suru Yo

When Fujii Nanami comes across a group of delinquents beating up another boy, her first instinct is to run away. But forgetting what she saw is harder than it seems, and when she goes back to treat his wounds, she finds her fear of him beginning to fade as an unlikely friendship springs up between them...

8. Heart Assassin

Shio deals with unwanted attention from a transfer student known as "The Assassin."

9. Honey Buddy

Being loved by a new era yankee and an old-style yankee, a love triangle. it's troublesome being popular (only among yankees though).

10. Honey Come Honey

Mitsu is a high schooler who looks cute and fluffy, but on the inside? The first day of her transfer, she meets a popular guy with a mysterious weapon. She's scared of him but she knows his secret?

11. Hyakujuu Kingdom

Taiga Shishio, the Student Council President, is a notorious tyrant. And yet, the only person that can stop him is his faithful Vice President Momoko. School, love, and trouble collide in this amazing story of student leadership.

! Lacks romance, but pretty good.

12. Kaibutsu-san ni, Rei!

At the Christmas training camp, Yuzuki was paired up with no other than... that guy?!

13. Kedamonozakari, Koizakari

Tsugumi is good with handling animals. One day, teacher suddenly asks her to take care of a problem, Shiro nicknamed "rampaging lion"...?

14. Kenka Bancho Otome - Koi no Battle Royale

For as long as she's been aware, the heroine, without a single relative, lived under care of the state. Both of her parents' faces were unknown to her. In front of this heroine, a young boy appeared. The young boy's name was "Hikaru." It appeared that he was the heroine's twin brother, separated at birth. He had a proposal for the heroine.

! Last chapter not translated. Available in spanish.

15. Kimi Ni Koishitei Desu Ka

Chigira Ruiji is a man born with the face of a demon. Trouble follows him wherever he goes. However, he just wants to live a normal high school life and make some friends, and even fall in love...

16. Kumori Nochi Saku

For a shy boy and an energetic girl, love starts at their part time job!

17. Life Is Short, Delinquent Youngster, Love!

An infamous delinquent is told that he would die soon unless he dates this girl from another school.

18. Mata Ashita (Murata Mayu)

Towa's always been shy around guys, despite being a total tomboy. This has crushed her chances of ever having a boyfriend, but a perhaps fateful encounter on the first day of high school might lead to love? But will it be with the surprisingly kind "angelic" delinquent, or the popular yet secretly "devilish" prince?!

19. Me no Tsukedokoro ga Deep Desho

Mina is a girl who has a strong hope of finding her destined person. With that goal in mind, she tries her best with different types of guys wishful of finding the right person. Even when her childhood friend, a yankee named Yuito, is already by her side. Will she ever find her destined person? A romantic comedy, coming-of-age tale of love and friendship.

20. Mikami-kun no Himitsu

Mikami's scary, I'm telling you! But wait, what's this secret of his?

21. Ookamidomo no Shitsukekata

Origawa Industry Public High School is a school filled with rough men. There's only one girl in this high school packed with wolves. But this little sheep isn't an ordinary person!

22. Sora Log

Our protagonist, Hikaru, is a member of the astronomy club at her school. On one beautiful starry night, she encounters a tall boy with blonde hair that looks almost white. However, he turns out to be...?!

23. Taro-kun wa Kou Miete Igai to xxx desu.

Living in the same apartment complex, my friend Taro-kun who always looks so scary actually is…?

! Has a sequel (Yappari Taro-kun wa Kou Miete Igai to xxx desu)

24. Toshishita Yankee wo Oseru Ken

A dangerous love comedy between a brilliant high school student and a younger delinquent starts! Nachi, a fan of a cute male character of a social network game, decides to make use of her abilities as the top student of her grade and becomes a part-time tutor in order to earn money and pay for items in her game. However, her student, Soushi, is not only younger but also a delinquent with red hair! Tutor Nachi, who is even prepared to face even death, starts to see Soushi's cute side...?!

#manga #shoujo #shojo #shoujo manga #shoujo recommendation #mangacap #romance #yankee #delinquent #sweet #honey buddy #sora log

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king-maven-calore · 3 years ago

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*asks about Mare's M scar turn into another episode of Annie overanalyzing YA books*

this is your fault guys. In trying to make sense of Mare's "decision" to keep the scar, and reading your takes on the matter I started to wonder if there was something more to it than what is offered as an explanation in Mare's PoV. Some parts of the story can't be taken at face value and still expect them to make sense in the established narrative.

⚠️ LONG POST AHEAD ⚠️ and I apologize in advance for my limited English to try to elaborate on such a complex subject.

Anon #1 said: I AGREE WITH YOU SM. I don't understand why Mare kept the scar. Imagine having to explain to your children how you got it...

Anon #2 said: Same. Personally I think she shouldn’t keep it. She claims that she keeps the scar so that it can always remind her of who Maven truly is, but there are literally multiple reminders to remind of who he is. Like the entire Nortan government changing. He was the cause of everything and it caused a domino effect. He caused Shade’s death, babies dying, etc. so all that should be a reminder of who he is imo.

@lucy-the-cat said: Well, in King's Cage she held onto the brand as proof that Maven was irredeemable and didn't deserve sympathy. This framing continued in War Storm, where Mare weaponizes it during the meeting. After killing him, she probably kept it to reassert to herself that she made the right choice.

After killing him in War Storm, she needs to reassert to herself that she made the right choice. Remember that strange scene where she talks to Cal and is all “You’re mad at me for killing your brother” and he’s very confused and she insists “You are you just don’t know it yet”? She’s projecting her guilt over Maven’s death onto him, and in Broken Throne, she sees Cal grieve for the brother that never was, and fears succumbing to the same.

War Storm has a passage where Cal discusses healing some of his scars and Mare retorts that some things should be remembered. But here’s the thing: When a scar heals, the memory of how you got it doesn’t disappear. It’s about not ACTIVELY reminding yourself of it every time you look in the mirror.

That’s self-harm logic. And Mare has always been prone to self-harm, what with her keeping Maven’s letters and admitting to scratching herself in King’s Cage. She got better about it as the books went on, but to me the brand is proof she never fully grew out of it. Maybe she did eventually but humans will do anything to rationalize continuing what we’re already doing.

And yeah, I can see Cal giving up and being like, “FINE I’ll enable you” lol

I think we can all agree that the use of the scar during WS makes sense from a propaganda standpoint, also as a reminder for herself because at that point in the story Maven is still alive and kicking it.

In a world where erasing scars completely is a possibility, it's very interesting that the protagonist chooses to keep it after it served its purpose in the plot. Hence, my problem with the scar starts after the main plot arc ends, when Maven is already gone and the sole presence of the mark becomes a source of retraumatization for Mare.

I really like lucy-the-cat's psychological explanation and I couldn't have worded it better myself. On the other hand, in literature, a wound tells a story.

A scar is a narrative inscribed into the hero's skin, granting them authority over the lived ordeal. Think of the term "Battle scars" something that men used as badges of honor, as proof that they fought in a romanticized war and proved themselves to a patriarchal society that deems violence a form of authority.

Mare takes this conception when she is trying to convince Montfort to go against Maven.

Traumatic memories lack verbal and narrative context; rather, they are encoded in the form of vivid sensations and images (a "death imprint"). The traumatic memory gains destructive force not for the link to the past, but for the repetition in the present of the event that hasn't been fully processed yet.

“You had some scars removed.”

I can only shrug. It’s been weeks since I had a healer erase the older scars across my back and ribs, wiping away the raised edges of white, knotted flesh. Wounds unbecoming of a king. (...) “Some things don’t have to be held on to.”

Her eyes narrow. “And some things do, Cal.”

I can only nod in silent agreement, unwilling to follow her over the precipice of that particular conversation. It won’t lead us anywhere productive. (War Storm ch 23)

If we take a look at the dichotomy of Mare's choice with Cal's, and how it relates to their character arcs, we can see a very common device used in media that employs the damaged body to show the state of the character's soul.

In mainstream media such as Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars, Moon lovers (a K-drama) the redemption of the male protagonist's soul, the ending of their journeys, is marked by the restoration of the body either by transforming back into human (the Beast), the healing of a scar (Kylo Ren/Ben Solo, and Wang So), just to mention a few.

At this point in the story, Cal is nearing his final redemptive act by stepping down from the throne, while Mare is reaching her final destructive act, Maven's murder.

I have scars of every kind, from Maven’s brand, from wounds not properly healed, from my own lightning. But I am not a ruin. Not yet. (WS chapter 8)

What I mean to say is, the scar is as much of a choice as the destruction of her soul in the name of the greater good, which isn't much of a choice at all (narratively speaking). And the permanence of the brand even when in canon she could simply have it healed is the metaphorical repressentation of her healing journey. The healing journey that barely fucking starts at THE END of War Storm, as we all know from the infamous epilogue.

Anyway, I hope that made sense. Here's the article mentioned above ("Scarred narratives and speaking wounds").

#RQ meta #I apologize for the length of this wtf #mare barrow #red queen series #WS #long post #I feel like I have so many thoughts I can't properly articulate #why isn't spanish the universal language???#lpm porque no estudié inglés en vez de medicina

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baoshan-sanren · 4 years ago

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Chapter 29

of the wwx emperor au I’m thinking of calling Lan QiRen’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week oh god it’s only gonna get worse

Wei Ying has watched the lanterns on every fifth night of his birthday festival for as long as he can remember.

His earliest memories are pale and indistinct, a collection of images and sounds, slithering through his fingers even as his grip tightens. The cold rooftop tiles under his hands, being lifted up onto his father’s shoulders, his mother’s delighted laughter. The Empress of the Shan Empire, a cool and dignified statue in the daylight hours, dancing over the moonlit roof peaks in her bare feet. Falling asleep in her lap while the lanterns drifted above, the soft murmur of his parents’ voices lulling him into sweet dreams.

Eighteen years, and eighteen lantern festivals, but most of those he remembers clearly are filled with an ache of loss. He has often cursed his unreliable childhood memories, lamenting the cruelty of recollections that deny him access to those early years. Guilt usually follows after, as relentless as the passing of time. He has never had a cause to feel abandoned; not one festival has gone by where he was allowed to sink into despondency and isolation. Even on those years when copious amounts of wine were needed, his brothers had always been by his side, prepared to chase away the loneliness by any means necessary. Without Nie HuaiSang and Jiang Cheng, Wei Ying is certain that he would have grown twisted and warped by the loss, forever attempting to lean into the warmth that no longer existed. All that he is, and will still become, he owes to them. To shijie, to Wen Qing, to Wen Ning and A-Yuan.

But the easy, uncomplicated joy of watching the lights dance across the sky, that had gone away on his twelfth birthday. He had been convinced that it would never return. Not because of the loss, or the accompanying ache which had, over time, grown dull and heavy instead of sharp and bright, but because he believed it impossible, to feel a child’s joy once having reached adulthood.

There are many things he believed to be impossible before meeting Lan Zhan.

The outskirts of YiLing are sparsely populated to the east, a few sprawling farms and long pasture fields stretching between the town and the river. They have a small hill to themselves; the ground is still warm from the sun, the air saturated with the syrupy scent of the late autumn harvest, the fireflies rivaling the lanterns with their lights. They can hear the sounds of celebration from YiLing, but the noise is far away and muffled, barely penetrating the comfortable cocoon of silence between them.

Wei Ying’s little finger is hooked around Lan Zhan’s.

They are lying down, eyes locked on the sky. Wei Ying is sure that he will have grass and dirt in his hair, and probably a liberal smear of both on his robes. He is also sure that Lan Zhan’s hair and robes will be as pristine as they were before he cautiously stretched himself out by Wei Ying’s side.

Their shoulders are almost close enough to touch. Lan Zhan’s hand had trembled once, then settled into stillness. Wei Ying can hear him breathe, the rhythm slow and even. He thinks, if he were only to shift a little closer, if the din of YiLing were to fall quiet, perhaps he could hear Lan Zhan’s heart beating as well, and discern if it flutters as restlessly as his own.

The touch is small and insignificant. Wei Ying has already held Lan Zhan’s hand in his own, had tangled their fingers together, had felt the warmth of his palm. But it does not feel small. The contact overshadows the lights above; a bright, single point of happiness that Wei Ying would give anything to keep.

“Lan Zhan,” he says.

“Mhm.”

Wei Ying bites his tongue.

It is not the lack of words that gives him pause. He possesses a river of words that relentlessly rushes whichever way it pleases, paying no mind to his intentions or wishes. He has had to learn how to dam this river; the Emperor must always take care of how he speaks, least he means to start a war with an offhand remark. But Lan Zhan is not a an overbearing sect leader, or a supplicant asking for favors. Nothing Wei Ying wants to say can ever be simple, because complexity is rooted in his birth, his status, his entire existence.

And yet.

What can be more simple than a feeling of emptiness finally filled, a sense of completeness, of irrevocable rightness?

Lan Zhan turns his head to look at him. There is a firefly hovering over his temple, a tiny burst of light traveling across a flawless cheek. In the gloom, his eyelashes seem thicker, his eyes black, their depth an endless abyss.

Wei Ying wants to look at him forever.

“Lan Zhan, I really like you.”

The dark eyes widen, then immediately return to their study of the sky. Wei Ying watches his throat move, a heavy swallow that could mean anything at all. He cannot tell if there are words building behind the movement, and despite the obvious surprise in his gaze, as brief as it was, Lan Zhan’s expression has not changed.

No, Wei Ying is wrong. It has changed.

There is a faint tremble to his eyelashes. The tips of his ears appear slightly darker. His throat moves again, but his mouth does not.

His little finger is still hooked around Wei Ying’s. It has not pulled away.

There is an entire language being spoken in front of Wei Ying’s eyes, but it is a language he does not yet understand. It is frustrating and painful to think, that he may never have an opportunity to learn, that Lan Zhan may not want him to know.

His future stretches in front of him, a lone seat on top of a dais, as decades endlessly melt into one another, seasons coming and going, favors given and taken away, a continuous tedium of birthdays, and festivals, and sect leader meetings. Lan Zhan nothing more than a cool and collected face, glimpsed twice a year among the sea of others, forever remaining a half-met stranger.

It is unbearable.

“Lan Zhan--“

“You are the Emperor,” Lan Zhan says, his voice stiff.

“Yes, but--“

“Young Master Lan!”

Startled, they both jerk upright, reaching for their swords.

“There you are,” an annoyed voice comes from the bottom of the hill, “if not for the Lan Sect funeral robes, I would have passed by this hill a dozen times.”

Wei Ying cannot make out the small shape climbing closer to them, but he recognizes the voice easily.

Lan Zhan has already gotten to his feet and moved back, placing himself a respectable distance away. Wei Ying was right. His hair and robes are as immaculate as they were before. Wei Ying, on the other hand, is pretty sure that he has grass sticking to his entire back.

“Why is it always you?” he snaps at the small disciple.

The boy, now close enough where he does not need to shout, offers him a sloppy bow and a disgruntled greeting.

“Your Majesty.”

“Your Majesty, Your Majesty” Wei Ying grumbles, “not two days ago you tried to bite me. I should have you tossed in the dungeons.”

“If it pleases Your Majesty,” the boy says, “this one would rather spend the night in the dungeon than traipsing through the YiLing countryside. Sect Leader Nie asks Your Majesty to meet him at the Lan Sect camp. There has been a development.”

“The Lan Sect camp?” he glances at Lan Zhan, but this time, the other boy’s face is truly unreadable.

“What is a Lan Sect camp? What development?”

“This one does not know,” the disciple says with exaggerated patience, “but if Your Majesty were to go there, I am sure it will all be made clear.”

Wei Ying ignores him.

“Lan Zhan, what is he talking about? What camp?”

Lan Zhan is silent for a few moments before he speaks, “The Lan Sect escort. The disciples that accompanied us to YiLing. There are no accommodations to be had in the town itself, so they have made camp on the outskirts.”

“Why?” Wei Ying asks, feeling bewildered, “all the other disciples are in the Immortal Mountain City. Why would you leave yours in YiLing?”

Lan Zhan’s throat moves again, but he does not need to speak. Wei Ying understands the moment the words have left his mouth.

They were not invited.

Uncle has always been the one to send out invitations, the Jiang Sect lotus prominently placed next to the Imperial Seal, his signature replacing Wei Ying’s, who could not be bothered with such minor formalities.

Fury rises in him for the second time that night, but this one is cold and already settled, not likely to wane any time soon.

“They will be coming with us,” he says, turning to head back down the hill.

What other small formalities have been left to Jiang FengMian over the years? Many more than Wei Ying can count; if he is to begin questioning his uncle’s methods, each must be addressed, reinspected, and altered if necessary.

This will take weeks. Possibly months.

Striding ahead, wishing he could kick something, he turns to the small disciple.

“Little beast, what is your name?”

The boy grimaces, but offers a half-bow, even sloppier than the one before, “This one is Nie XuanYu.”

“Nie XuanYu,” Wei Ying says, “You have a bad temper and a terrible attitude. Try and pay attention to the Second Young Master, and you may yet learn how a disciple is supposed to behave.”

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #wangxian #ficlet #m #wwx emperor au #alright my chickens #we're back on track #i hope #sleep is still on the iffy side #but some writing is finally happening #ily

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flipomatic · 4 years ago

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Internship Chapter 9: Day 4 - Emira

Author Note: Here comes the last NaNo update, since November is about to end. I’m at 48 thousand words and am halfway through writing chapter 23 out of the 35 expected. I’ll let you know when the whole thing is done.

First Chapter Previous Chapter

________________________________________________________

As Emira arrived at the Illusion Coven building, she was glad that the week was almost over.

Surprisingly, Emira beat Jen to her office. She hadn’t come any earlier than usual, if four days of trends were enough to say it was as usual, but Jen’s office was empty when she arrived.

Emira had been there a couple times at that point, but never for long enough to look around. Now that she had the opportunity, she wasn’t going to pass it up.

When Emira sat down in the chair on the other side of the desk, she could finally see what all of the clutter was on her desk.

The papers, it turned out, were full of illusion spell theory. They were scribbled across uneven lines and included drawings of what the spells might look like. The diagrams listed layers together and formed complicated spells. From these, it seemed like Jen was studying complex illusion magic, far more complex that what Emira was learning at Hexside. Either she was researching it herself or someone else had given these to her.

There were also a couple picture frames on the desk, showing a small dog beast. Its image had been captured from numerous angles and was displayed prominently. As for the trinkets, they seemed to be various items. One was a deck of cards, another a set of small red balls in metal cups. There was a coin as well. Emira wasn’t sure what they were for, or what they even were.

Emira wondered what was in the drawers, but was interrupted from her snooping by Jen’s voice. “That desk suits you.” She called from the door, causing Emira to snap her eyes up to her. Jen looked at ease, like she didn’t suspect anything was amiss.

“Oh, hey.” Emira stood slowly from the chair, playing it cool and pretending she hadn’t been about to look through Jen’s things. “Good morning.”

Jen nodded at her, leaving the door to the office open as she fully entered. “Good morning.” She returned the greeting. “I was just getting our job briefing, it’s a good one.”

Emira thought that her definition of a good job was very different than Jen’s. “What are we doing?” She still asked; maybe things would be different today.

“There’s a play being performed today and tomorrow that needs help with special effects and lighting. It’s going to require some complex magic, but I’m confident that you can handle it.” Jen said with a smile, bringing a spark of hope to Emira. Maybe this job would be good, she hoped it would be. “We have to go, so we can practice during rehearsal.” She turned to leave the office, waiting outside the door to Emira to follow.

They shut the door and weaved back through the hallways to reach the front of the building, exiting out to the city streets. Jen said it was nearby, so they would walk instead of flying. Emira didn’t mind that, as long as the weather was good.

While they walked, Emira wondered what kind of magic she’d get to do. It could be pyrotechnics, like fireballs. Another option was large colored or flashing lights, those would be fun to make. Oh but maybe it would be some subtler magic, like making something invisible and then have it appear on stage at just the right moment. All of them sounded fun; there were so many possibilities.

By the time they reached their location, a medium sized building with the word “Theater” plastered on the front of it, Emira was almost excited for the job. She followed Jen in, looking around the space as they walked through. Emira hadn’t been to this theater before, but she had passed by it numerous times.

It seemed like Jen had been there before, since she walked through the lobby and into the back of the building like she knew where she was going. They passed through the hallway to a backstage area, where Jen found a witch with a clipboard.

In both construction and in theater, the witch with the clipboard was in charge. Emira mentally chuckled at that while Jen introduced them to the witch, who turned out to be the director of the play.

“I’m glad there’s two of you, we need a lot of illusions.” The director said, scribbling something down on her clipboard. “We need some fire in act 1, not real fire just an illusion,” She clarified that like it had been an issue before. “Some confetti in act 2, and spotlight work throughout the performance.” Behind the director, witches were scurrying around with set pieces and wearing partial costumes.

Jen thought about it for a moment, glancing at Emira. “I’ll take the fire and the confetti; my coworker will handle the spotlight.” What, no that was the opposite of what Emira wanted. She wanted to make the fire, not the spotlight. She didn’t have a chance to protest before Jen continued. “Does she need to learn the movement for it?” Jen asked, which, despite being annoyed, Emira knew was a good question.

“No, we have a stage technician back there to do that. He’ll cue her with the timing too.” The director didn’t look up from her clipboard while she spoke.

Once again, it sounded like Emira was getting the worse part of the job. Doing the lighting was not nearly as impressive as special effects on stage. It would probably be super simple magic too, any illusion witch could do it.

“Alright, thank you.” Jen replied, then turned to Emira. “You should head up to the lighting, I’ll show you how to get there.” She turned back towards the front of the building, walking back the way they came. Emira followed behind sullenly, with her arms crossed.

They went all the way back to the lobby, where Jen stopped at a closed door. She pulled it open, holding it for Emira to pass. There was a winding stairwell ahead.

“It’s just up these stairs, I’ll meet you out front for lunch after rehearsal.” Jen said, waving Emira inside.

Emira entered the door with a sigh. “See you later.” She muttered, before starting her ascent up the stairs. Once the door was shut behind her, all of the light faded from the room. Emira cast a quick light spell to carry with her, illuminating each step in turn.

When she reached the top, she estimated that it had been about three floors of stairs. She didn’t know for sure though, with the way they spiraled. At the top there was another door, which luckily was unlocked when Emira tried to open it.

On the other side was a small room, maybe ten feet across, with a witch sitting inside who didn’t seem much older than Emira. He had a candle lit in the room for light, and was reading from a book that was basically just a stack of paper bound together. His head popped up at the sound of the door opening.

“I’m here to power the lights.” Emira said before he could open his mouth, looking around the room as she did. Three of the walls were solid, but one had an opening. It was door sized and seemed to lead out onto some kind of rigging.

The witch popped out of his seat, shutting his book as he did. “Great, I’ve been expecting you.” He had a cute smile, but even if he’d been closer to her age Emira wouldn’t have been interested. “The name’s Kyle.”

“Mine’s Emira.” Emira tried to put her earlier irritation aside and be polite. It wasn’t his fault she was trapped here. “I think we’ll be working together for the next couple days.”

“I expect so.” Kyle replied, stepping towards the opening in the wall. “Let me show you what we’ll be doing.” He then stepped out onto the rigging. Emira trailed behind, more cautious about going out there. It wasn’t that she was afraid of heights, but falling was not an exciting prospect. When she looked out the opening, she could see the stage and the seats below them. Maybe it had been four flights of stairs instead of three; it certainly looked like it from this height.

That was just another thing to push aside as she stepped out onto the rigging. It only extended about five feet out. Once out there, she could see one large spotlight to the left and the right. Kyle had gone right and lifted his hand to the spotlight.

“These are the lights we’ll be using.” He said, moving his hand away from the device and casting a spell. The spell caused the light to turn, changing the direction it was pointing. “I’ll tell you when to turn them on and off. The focus of the spell is these devices here.”

“Got it.” Emira replied, unable to keep the dryness out of her tone. As she suspected, this magic was almost trivial. A simple light spell would be super easy to cast and even easier to maintain. She looked down at the stage, where the stage crew was moving set pieces around. She couldn’t spot Jen, probably she was still back stage.

Kyle inched past Emira to adjust the other light. “We’ll be doing the rehearsal soon. For now, want to try the spell?”

If she was being honest, Emira would’ve said no, she did not want to try the spell. Unfortunately, now was not the time for honesty and she had already committed to being polite. She lifted her right hand to cast it, quickly drawing two spell circles. When they activated, both spotlights lit up with bright beams.

Kyle whistled, seeming to indicate that he was impressed, and redirected them around the stage. The light moved well and didn’t waver, likely due to some part of the device. “This is perfect.” Kyle said, flashing her a thumbs up.

Great, wonderful, fantastic, at least he was happy. On the stage, the crew members were looking up at the spotlights, squinting against them.

A few minutes later Kyle told her to drop the spell, so she did. They were getting ready to start the rehearsal.

Once it started, Emira didn’t pay much attention to the play. She also didn’t take special care for the lights. She just turned them on or off when told, wondering when all of this would end.

She saw Jen’s fire magic in her peripheral vision, but didn’t pay it any mind.

Next Chapter

#the owl house #the owl house fanfiction #emira blight #nano is finally almost done #i'm tired #though i didn't plan well so i have to keep writing next month too #flip writes

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mikazuki-juuichi · 5 years ago

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Beastars, vol. 3 (in English)

Here we start with volumes I had never read before, though I am aware of some latter developments. Of course, the important thing is always seeing them in order and in context.

Chapter 17.

- Talk about gossip! It’s not enough for students to talk about Legosi and Bill fighting on stage —they are inventing that ‘the wolf set the tiger on fire’, heh.

- Some people are good at pretending and some are… not:

- A trait that is often lost in translation: Jack is good at word-plays.

- It’s hard to draw kissing with muzzles…

Chapter 18.

- Here’s a time skip. The previous chapters happened around the beginning of the school year, so roughly between April and May (as the school play was partly to welcome new students). Here, it’s the start of summer, so roughly June.

- ‘Roar-ter’, ‘BeastBook’, ‘Zoogle’… obvious, but pretty cute puns.

- For these characters, dinosaurs are both historical and mythical. In some cases, almost deities.

Chapter 19.

- Notice that Haru’s wound has completely healed by now.

- Although the cafeteria is designed for all students to mingle, it’s very rare for Herbivores and Carnivores to share a table, let alone a meal. Haru, however, could not care less about the stares they get. Legosi is too busy freaking out to even notice.

Chapter 20.

- The chapter about Legom, the hen. Here begins a small Beastars tradition, which is derived from the author’s previous ‘Beast Complex’ (which, sadly, has yet to see an official release or translation): Chapters focusing on different characters from this world, which serve to illustrate how their society works.

- It’s a mostly humorous chapter. And thank god, because after this we get one of the darkest arcs in this comic.

- The lesson about ‘Seaspeak’ will be important much later.

- Though Legom is formal and distant, almost cold to Legosi in person, she considers him a special client.

Chapter 21.

- To make it clear we’re about to have a tonal shift, the very first page shows the aftermath of a street murder.

- Rinna is one of the few female victims in this comic. Most characters who get killed or seriously injured are male.

- Three ways to take rejection: Legosi bottles it all up, Durham mock-barks at others and Jack is just plain crushed:

- With Juno’s bullying on one side and the herbivores not being allowed to leave the school premises we get a subtle indication of the way these crimes have repercussions all throughout society, starting with the school.

- Here is the first mention of the Meat Market (the name varies depending on translations), here presented almost as an urban legend.

Chapter 22.

- Kibi’s freaked out face is killing me:

- Legosi hadn’t gone outside in a whole year, to such a degree he’s forgotten how to use subway cards.

- I think the most disturbing part about the old man selling his own fingers for food is that he’s even offering a discount for them. It may be darkly funny, but it is still nightmarish.

Chapter 23.

- Leave it to Bill to focus on the wrong part of the problem. As a friend put it, if there is a word for doing an illogical thing in a perfectly logical way, it perfectly describes Bill. Here, trying to solve a math problem with his fingers while ignoring why the others are freaking out:

- Though the Market seems to be regarded as normal in this society, further chapters will slowly show that is not the case.

- Gouhin (not yet named)’s presence signals that the world of the story is slowly shifting away from teenage innocence and into adult conflicts. For example, how to control a literal killing instinct.

Chapter 24.

- Why do I feel all these bathroom graffiti were made by Bill…

- The entire chapter reads like an horror tale. A glimpse into the darkest parts of this world.

Chapter 25.

- Gouhin’s insistence that Legosi’s feelings for Haru are only sublimated hunger is not entirely without basis. That was literally his first impulse when he first saw her. But there are subtler, more elaborate feelings intertwined with this. Guilt, tenderness, even a bit of love. It’s a much more complex situation than any of the three realize.

- The final scene with Aoba is wonderful dramatic moment, and a respite from the horrors of this arc. A very ‘human’ moment of empathy, so to speak.

Extra.

- Here we first learn that Cherryton is an exclusive school. You’d have to be a very good student to enter --though Legosi always seems to be tuning out in class...

***

#beastars #reading diary #reading project #reading challenge #beast complex

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bbyboybrock--archived · 5 years ago

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Serendipity (C.B) | Chapter 23

Summary: Serendipity: (n) the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way

Popular youtuber Isabella Hart, known as Bella to her audience, bends over backwards to separate her youtube life from her private life. Known for her overall clean content and her bubbly attitude, Isabella has a wild side to her that only those inside the youtube community know about. When Bella meets Colby during one of the trap house parties she finally meets someone she can be her genuine self with. When trouble arises after their meeting, will Bella be able to hand the pressure or will she destroy her relationship with Colby as well as herself in the process. [This starts in 2018]

Written: 2019

Word Count: 5,755

Warnings: swearing

Serendipity Masterlist

I sit on a chair on the balcony drinking my coffee waiting for Colby to get out of the shower. It's early. Early enough for me to wear a hoodie out. I watch as people go on about their lives down below. People going to work, school, or just being pass by the complex. It's a Thursday so people are getting for the weekend. And this weekend is the first weekend of Coachella so nearly everyone in LA is preparing for that. Our friend group included.

Well, not everyone in our friend group. Its's literally just Sam, Colby, Jake, Kat, Tara, Griffin, and me. Tara is the newest addition to our group. She's not apart of the girlfriend club yet but I'm sure Jake will take care of that soon. Sam, Colby, and I are going because we have to work. Which kind of messes with their break. But they have to make money somehow.

We're not going until weekend two but Colby and I have no idea what we're wearing. Sam and Kat have been ready for at least a week. Jake is going to just wear normal Jake clothes. Tara has been planning and I'm sure she sent Jake a color scheme so something could match. And even though Colby has some sense of style, he claims that he has no idea how to dress. So I promised him that when I had a free day. I would put together both of our outfits. With the album release party and the actual release of the album, I've been busy until today. Which leads us to right now.

Sitting on the balcony drinking coffee and waiting for Colby to get out if the shower. My phone rings. I take a large sip before answering.

"Hello?"

"Happy birthday!" Yells the person the other end. I pull the phone away from my ear for a second and blink. I look at the caller id.

"Benji, it's way too fucking early for this. The caffeine hasn't even kicked in. But thank you." I finish my coffee and head back inside. I peek in the hallway on my way to the kitchen and see that Colby has finally gotten out of the shower.

"Wow, the birthday girl woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Sorry, just not in the mood... to celebrate." I begin washing the cup and keeping my eyes on the bathroom door.

"What the fuck do you mean? It's your 20th birthday! You're celebrating."

"Not this year, okay? Don't you have a class or a shift at the hospital or something?"

"I get it! I'll see you later. I have to drop off your gift."

"Wait! Benji do—" Benji hangs up on the other before I can tell him to not come over. I roll my eyes and text him quickly before sitting on the couch.

It's not that I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I always do. Even when my family ignored me, I always planned something for me to do and spent time with Benji. Hell, last year was the first year I did something other than for and spend time with Benji for my birthday. But this year is different. Everything happened close to my birthday. Colby isn't back to normal. I know he isn't happy. If I hadn't already planned my album release party a few weeks ago, I would have kept my mouth shut about it. I don't want to put Colby into situations where he has to force himself to seem happy. I couldn't do anything about the album release party. I kept telling him he didn't have to do, but he insisted. I don't want my birthday to be another boyfriend obligation. So I kept quiet about my birthday around everyone, hoping that maybe everyone will forget. I'm assuming the did because there have been no texts or social media post from my friends. Colby didn't say anything this morning.

Colby finally walks out of the bathroom. He disappears into the bedroom.

"You ready to go?" Colby asks after grabbing a pair of shoes from the bedroom.

"I've been ready. I aged five years waiting for you." I joke.

"Hey, you don't understand this, but beauty takes time."

"Okay, beast. Let's go before all the last minute weekend one people get the last of the good stuff." Colby helps me up and we head to the mall.

In the car I ordered custom shirts for Colby and I. They're redesigned fashion logos. Calvin Klein for Colby and Gucci for me. Right now we're inside Forever 21 browsing. We've already been to a few stores and found some things to wear. We decided to wear similar "matching" outfits. Mainly, we're going to stick to similar color schemes.

I'm looking through a rack of neon shorts to go with the neon yellow pants we found for Colby. As I finally find a pair in my size, Colby's phone rings. I can already tell it's Sam based on the ring tone. He has special ring tones for Sam, his parents, and me.

"Hello? Sam?" Colby looks at me confused before handing me the clothes in his hands and walking out of the store. Lucky for me, he's holding the shopping bags.

I watch him as he talks to Sam. He pulls the phone away from his ear for a second, looks at something, and then goes back to talking to Sam. I figure whatever is going on with Sam is going to take a while and go deeper into the store. I find a few more things that I like and just look through them. I go through a few more racks like that before Colby finally gets back.

"What was that about?" I ask while handing Colby back his clothes.

"Oh, it was nothing. He had gotten some emails about the Sam and Colby channel. He needed my opinion on somethings. Anyway, since we're on the last outfit, why don't we head to lunch soon. Then we can walk around the mall some more or walk around the beach."

"Yeah, okay. Let's try these on first and then we can head out. Oh, here, we're not going to buy these shirts but try it with this so I can see if it works." I hand Colby a white shirt as we walk to the dressing rooms.

We ended up getting Chick-Fil-A and walked around the beach. We spent the whole day out and even did a bit more shopping. When we got home, Colby managed to convince me to go out again. We haven't really had a date night in a while, so he said that we should go to dinner. Which is where we are now, sitting outside of Tao's in the car about to go in for dinner. The idea of us just spending the day together is nice. However, Colby spent more time on his phone all day than talking to me. Which is a bit annoying, but hopefully, he'll pry himself away from his phone for dinner.

Colby helps me out of the car and we walk into the restaurant. We get to the front counter and the waitress leads us to a party room full of our friends and Benji.

"Surprise!" Everyone screams in unison.

"Oh shit... Thank you! I really am surprised. Colbs did you...?" I turn to Colby and see that he's smiling.

"Happy birthday, baby." He kisses me before leading us to our seats. I'm sitting at the head of the table with Colby on one side of me and Benji on the other.

"I honestly, don't know what to say. This is really a surprise. I had no idea you guys had this planned." I say after taking a sip of water.

"What? Did you think we forgot or something?" Sam jokes. I see a look of panic flash across Colby's face.

"No, it's just, I wasn't really planning on celebrating this year. But this is great. I've never had a surprise party before."

"Let's look at the menu. Izzy, we can go half and half on something if you want." Colby says quickly handing me a menu.

That's when I knew that they did forget. The Colby forgot and right now he's forcing himself to be a perfect boyfriend and he's beating himself up over it.

****

Sam and I pose for pictures with the fans who happened to find out at the mall. Once we finish I wipe off the fake smile and continue walking with Sam. The only reason why we're at the mall is because Sam wanted to get a surprise for Kat and he needed a girl's opinion. I was hoping that we wouldn't run into fans today but it's only a matter of time before rumors start spreading around the two of us. Which is fine. Colby knows that I'm hanging out with Sam today and why. The only person who doesn't know is Kat, and that's the point. But I also have another reason to hang out with Sam.

We sit down at the food court and start eating the food we bought right before we got interrupted. Sam set's Kat's gift on the floor and starts setting out all the food.

"Can't wait for that to blowback on us later," Sam says as he passes me my food.

"Well, we couldn't have said no or asked them to not post the pictures. It would make the situation worse. Anyways, they're harmless selfies with fans. If they speculate, we can't stop them. We know the truth." I take a picture of our food and caption it for my story.

"Very true. Hey, thanks for helping me today. I wanted to make sure that Kat likes her gift. And since you two hang out all the time, I thought you would be the best person to help." Sam pops a fry into his mouth.

"No problem. Since I helped you out, can you give me advice on something?"

"Shoot."

"You talked to Kat about everything that happened, right?" I sip my soda and avoid eye contact with him.

"Yeah, pretty much right after everything happened. As soon as I saw her. Why?"

"Well, you know Colby. Hell, I know Colby. He doesn't talk about anything when the subject is him. Which is fine, everyone is entitled to their secrets. But— Have you noticed anything different about him?"

"You mean the drinking?" He says casually.

"It's gotten out of control, Sam. I'm scared for him. I guess what I'm asking is, should I talk to him about everything?"

"Look, I know from experience that if you try to force Colby to talk, he's going to push you away."

"But, Sam—"

"Trust me, Isabella. Colby will talk about it when he's ready. You wanted my advice. My advice is to let him be for now."

"You're right. Just forget I said anything. Let's change the subject."

"Okay, so for pizza night tomorrow..."

I get home from hanging out with Sam about an hour later. When I get home, Colby is up in the balcony doing something on his computer. He's most likely working. I know that he's going to have a guys night with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin. So it would make sense that he would be working on something.

"I'm home and I brought you food!" I shout as I put the things I just bought in our room. I walk back to the kitchen and arrange Colby's food on a plate. I bring everything up to him and set it on the table.

"Thank you. How was your little shopping spree with Sam?" Colby saves his work and turns to me.

"It was fun. I haven't hung out with Sam or anyone else really since before the album release party. In fact, my manager called me while I was out. Turns out that a producer or something called him and wants to meet with Mike, Aryia, Kat, and I tomorrow morning. Anyway, how was your day?"

"That's amazing! Yeah! I've been sitting here working all day. Honestly, at this point, I'm thinking about hiring Reggie to edit my videos. That would give me more time plan and film. I really need this guys night tonight." He starts looking

"Want me to edit for you?" I say peeking at his screen.

"No, it's fine. I know you have your own stuff to work on. I know you've been working on your second album.

"Okay. Just call me if you want to take up my offer. Enjoy your lunch." I kiss Colby on the cheek before walking back into my studio.

I sit in the living room watching tv. Well, I'm not really watching it. It's on, but my mind is elsewhere. It's nearly midnight and I should be in bed because I have to be up early for my meeting. Colby is still out, which is fine. Except, Colby left at six and he said he would be back, at the latest, at eleven. It's eleven fifty and I haven't even heard from him. I know he's out with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin. The four of them together is asking for trouble when it comes to partying. The thing is, Mike and Aryia are also going to the meeting so they should be home too. I called all four of them and got nothing. I even texted Sam, who stayed home because he's working on the new series for the duo channel all night. He hasn't heard anything either and he said he'd let me know if he found anything out.

So now I'm sitting up freaking the hell out. I cleaned the apartment three times today. The first time was general house cleaning after Colby left. The second time was at ten because I was nervous about the meeting. The third time was at eleven when I saw that Colby was late and he didn't even text me. To make matters worse, his location is either broken or he turned it off because I can't check.

As I check my phone again, Sam starts to call me. I quickly answer and turn off the tv.

"Hey, have you heard from them?" I ask calmly.

"He's at my place. He's fine... just drunk." Sam says quietly. I hear a noise in the background. It sounds like Colby.

"Why's he over there? We literally live next door."

"I know. He's a mess and didn't want to go home. I think he should crash over here tonight. Listen, Iz, I was wrong."

"What are you talking about? Wrong about what and why doesn't he want to come home?" I stand up and start slowly putting the remote back in its place.

"This morning I said to leave Colby alone. I think you should talk to him."

"Why? What's happening? Sam, you're scaring me."

"Look, I have to go. Don't worry too much. I can take care of him. Just go to bed. I'll talk to you at tomorrow." Sam hangs up before I can say anything else.

It takes every fiber in my body to stop myself from going to Sam's apartment to see what's going on. Instead, I grab my phone and drag myself to bed. I plug my phone in and turn off the lights before crawling into bed. I take Colby's pillows and force them into a position to make me feel like I'm not sleeping alone. I try to fall asleep, but instead, I map out what I'm going to say to Colby. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I have to, for his sake.

****

"Oh! Colby, I was going to stop by Sam's to say bye to you. I have that meeting. My ride isn't here yet, do you want me to make you a hangover smoothie?" I ask as I see Colby laying on our couch. I honestly don't know when he came in. He's still wearing his clothes from yesterday. His hair looks like a tangled mess and under his eyes are so dark that he looks sick.

"No, I'm good. The sound from the blender will make it worse. Thanks though." I stand there for a second, thinking if I should bring it up right now. I go into the bathroom and take the Advil bottle and grab a cup of water from the kitchen.

"Here," I hand Colby two pills and the glass.

"Thank you. You're an angel." Colby sits up and takes the pills.

"I know that I'm leaving any minute, but can we talk?" I sit down next to Colby.

"Of course." He sets the glass on the floor and turns to me. The bags under his eyes are prominent.

"Look, I know that things have been off since you got arrested and the tunnel incident. And I haven't been pushing you to talk because I wanted to give you space. And I've noticed that you haven't been the best lately and I really want to help you."

"What do you mean by I'm not the best lately? Like I've been a shitty boyfriend?"

"What? No! That's not what I mean at all. I just meant that lately, you've been less like yourself. You go to bed later than normal. I don't even think you sleep some nights. And when you do sleep, you're having nightmares. I know you're on the balcony drinking and listening to music. Hell, you've been drinking a lot more recently. Don't think I haven't noticed the vodka supply going down. Which is what I drink when shit's hit the fan and I want to feel good. And that's how you use vodka too. I know whiskey is your poison so don't start there. And you got so drunk yesterday that you didn't want to come home. Sam told me. But don't get mad at him because he's just worried about you too. We all are."

"Do you guys have a group chat or something where you talk about me?"

"You're trying to change the subject. I get that this might be uncomfortable for you but I'm trying to help you. Like how you helped me. But I don't know how to help you. Do you want to talk about it? Do you want for us to put a pause on our relationship so that you can focus on your mental health? Whatever you need, I'll help you do it. I just want you to be happy, Colby."

"Oh, I get it." Colby laughs to himself a little.

"What are you talking about?"

"I totally get it. Why do you always suggest breaking up or taking a break when things go bad? It's because you're looking for a way out. For years you were this party girl that didn't settle down. You literally had a different dick, every night and now you're stuck with me. You tested the whole relationship thing out with me and decided that it's not for you but you don't want to hurt me. You probably want to go back to how things were before."

"Why are you being an asshole right now? I'm just trying to help you." My phone starts to ring. I search for it in my bag and mute it.

"Help me? Really? Are you sure you're not trying to help yourself? You're making something out of nothing and saying that we should take a break. I'm starting to think that you don't actually love me. You pretended to be asleep when I first said it and waited a week before saying anything about it."

"Are you kidding me right now? I don't love you? Are you serious? If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have said it at all. I wouldn't have written a whole ass song saying how much I love you. I would 't have given up my apartment to move in with you. For fuck's sakes, I would be wearing the promise ring that you gave me if I didn't love you! I'm not the one making something out of nothing. What is wrong with you?" My phone starts ringing again and I quickly press mute. I need to hear this.

Colby sits silently for a few seconds. Thinking. I can almost see the gears turning in his brain.

"I cheated on you."

"Excuse me?" I stood up quickly. I suddenly don't want to be sitting next to Colby anymore.

"Last night. When I was at the club I cheated on you with some random chick. That's why I didn't want to come home. Not because I was drunk off my ass. I mean, I was really drunk but that was after."

"I-I don't believe you. You're lying. You're trying to hurt me or push me away instead of dealing with your problems. I do not believe that you cheated on me."

"Isabella, listen to me—" My phone rings for the third time and I finally answer it.

"Hello?" I stare at Colby in disbelief.

"Izzy, we're here. Get your ass downstairs or we're going to be late for the meeting." Mike says on the other end.

"Sorry, I'll be down in a minute." I hang up the phone and shove it in my pocket.

"Isabella, I'm telling the truth." Colby tries to touch my hand but I pull it back.

"I refuse to believe that you cheated on me. You can't just accuse me of not loving you and then blurt out that you fucking cheated. Whatever is wrong with you, better be worth hurting me and hurting me, you asshole. Mike, Aryia, and Kat are waiting for me downstairs so I'm going to go to my meeting. While I'm going, you better think about what you need in order for me to help you and we'll deal with it when I get home." I hesitate before kissing Colby on the cheek and leaving the apartment.

****

A tour. That's what the meeting was about. At my album release party a couple of weeks ago, people from the music industry were there. They liked how Mike, Aryia, Kat, and I put the show together. They like it so much they told their bosses about us. They want to put on a smallish tour with the four of us around the country so we can get exposure and build up our momentum. Not a record deal, but a tour that can lead to being signed with a label. An actual dream come true.

Except, I couldn't be as excited at I would normally be for something like this. I had to fake it during the meeting. I had to fake my enthusiasm for something that I feel genuinely excited about. All because I couldn't stop thinking about this morning.

Colby said he cheated on me. Part of me doesn't believe him. Part of me believes that he only said that so I would only hate him for being a cheater instead of an asshole for what he said just before that. Another part of me thinks he might be telling the truth. That last night, when he went out with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin, Colby met some random girl and made the decision to sleep with her. Drunk or not, Colby made that decision knowing that one day I would find out and it would devastate me.

I came home to the apartment empty. Meaning, that somewhere in Los Angles, Colby is avoiding the next conversation we need to have. Which prompts me with two things to do. I walk into the kitchen and go straight for the alcohol stash. We keep the bottles in the bottom cupboard near the sink. I pull all of them out and open a bottle of vodka and hold it over the sink. I hesitate to pour it out. Getting rid of the alcohol won't do anything. He can just go out and buy more or just spend more time at clubs. If anything, it would just make him hate me. Instead, I pour myself a glass and put all the bottles back.

I take my cup and walk into our bedroom. I grab my suitcases from the closet and start shoving all my clothes and shoes in them. After filling both I drag them to my studio room. I'm not going to leave Colby. I wouldn't just pack up my things and leave without at least talking to him. But, based on his lack of being home when we need to talk, our relationship might be on the line. Regardless of what gets decided, I'm going to be sleeping in my studio for a while. I grab my pillows from my side of the bed and one of our extra blankets. I set them on my couch and just sit down with my vodka and phone.

I just drink and stare at my phone. I could check his location. We always have each other's location turned on. But I don't want to see that he's somewhere he shouldn't be or that he turned his location off. Instead, I send Colby a text asking where he is and then put my phone away. I finish my drink and lay down. I stare at the ceiling.

It's the only place in the entire room that has nothing on it. The wall where my couch is has posters and fan art, the backdrop for most of my sit down videos. Directly across from that are my instruments. All my string instrument neatly displayed and easily accessible with my piano under them. The wall where my computer and desks are is completely made from windows. I turned the closet into a makeshift recording studio. The room Colby I could have to work. The room that Colby and I could have easily shared but he insisted on giving it to me. The ceiling is bare. Not that I couldn't put anything up there. Colby and I were going to make it into a project. A mural or something that's dangling down. But for now, it stares back at me as white and bare as the rest of the walls in the apartment. If it wasn't for the XPLR tapestry and the row of Colby cutouts, the entire apartment would be bare. Just like my ceiling.

The living room was Colby's space. That's where he films so he could decorate it how he chooses. But he didn't and that suits him. Our bedroom is a mixture of both of us. Colby even has some posts it's up because he liked the prank Sam did to him at the trap house. I have some of my art pieces up. I didn't like how we had the apartment set up. It felt too much like we had our two separate spaces.

But the more time I spent here with Colby, the more the apartment started to feel like home. Colby feels like home, but right now, the home's been broken into and I don't even know where to start to get everything back in order.

"Izzy? Are you okay?" I feel a hand on my shoulder. I slowly open my eyes to see Kat standing over me.

"What are you doing here? What time is it?" I sit up and start stretching.

"It's six-thirty. Everyone's at Sam's for pizza night. You didn't show up so I asked Colby for your apartment key. Are you okay? You look like you've been crying?" Kat sits down next to me. I touch my face. It's dry but I can feel dried tears.

"Colby is over there? Right now?" I get up and walk into the bathroom to wash my face.

"Yeah, he came a little bit ago. When he came without you, it seemed a bit sus so I asked for his key to see if you were still here. Are you okay, Iz?" Kat leans across the door frame for the bathroom?

"Is he fine? How did he seem?" I grab my toothbrush out of the cup and quickly start brushing.

"Isabella, forget about Colby for a second. Are you okay?"

"Katrina, I'm fine. If you keep asking I'm not going to be fine anymore. I'm just worried about Colby because he flaked on me earlier and I haven't seen him since this morning."

"Is something wrong with you two?"

"Everything is not fine between us. And no, I don't want to talk about it right now because I don't want to go to pizza night with even puffier eyes. I promise, when this situation is figured out, I'll tell you first. Can you help me look decent? My clothes are in the suitcases in my studio."

"Yeah, I can do that." While Kat disappears I finish brushing my teeth and dry my face. I dig through my make up and grab a few things out. I don't have time to do a full face so I just put on lipstick, my eyelids, and try to take care of under my eyes. Kat comes back with fishnets, shorts, and an oversized band tee shirt and gives them to me.

After I finish getting dressed Kat and I make our way over to Sam's where everyone is just mingling and having a good time. Colby is in the corner talking to Reggie about something. We make eye contact for a brief moment before he quickly looks away. I plaster on a fake smile before going to greet everyone.

"Okay, they're back! We can talk about it now!" Mike yells to get everyone's attention.

"Tell them what?" I ask as I grab two slices of pizza and a can of mountain dew.

"They were asking about the meeting. Mike was going to tell them earlier when they asked but I went to get you so you could be here." Kat explains to me.

"Okay, one of you spill it then," Kevin speaks up.

"We met with some people in the industry who wants to... put the four of us on tour, together!" Aryia exclaims from the couch.

"Yeah, they were at Izzy's album release party and like how we put the show together," Kat said now standing next to Sam.

"It's not like a full-blown tour like Ariana Grande. It's more like what they did with Viners. Kind of like MagCon and that other one, digital something. Except, instead of one or two actual talent acts and a bunch of shirtless teenage boys flipping around on stage, they get four real performers. No offense to Sam and Colby." I joke as I sit on the couch. Colby comes over and joins me. He puts his arm around me and I stiffen. Everyone else continues talking about the tour and asking questions. The whole time I just count the minutes until pizza night is over

Colby and I are one of the first people to leave Sam's apartment. I didn't want to leave early. Normally we're one of the last to leave. But Colby said he was tired so I followed.

"Colby, we need to talk," I say after locking the front door.

"Can't we just save it for tomorrow? I'm exhausted." Colby is near the bedroom.

"No, because if we do, you'll just disappear in the morning before I wake up. And then I probably won't see you until bedtime. And I can't do that again." I slowly walk to the couch and sit down. Colby hesitates before finally joining me. This time he keeps his distance.

"For the record, I wouldn't have skipped out on you like that." He runs his hands through his hair. His partly blue hair that he dyed before we went to Coachella.

"Frankly, after today, I don't think I believe you. Look, Colby, I know that I shouldn't have bombarded you this morning and pressured you into making a decision. But given the circumstances, you're going to have to make a decision."

"Why are you talking like that? You're stressing me out more. And yeah, I was a bit overwhelmed this morning, but I can't make that decision. Not right now." I watch as he fidgets with his rings.

"You have to. I can't just sit here and watch you suffer. You're going down the same path that I was going to and that can only lead to— I don't know how you did it but I can't lose you. Not like that. I'm willing to help you, but you have to allow me. So, there are two questions that need to be answered. First, how can I help you get better?" I watch as Colby thinks. We stay silent for a seconds before Colby runs his hand through his hair again.

"I don't want to break up. But I don't need any special help. I'll talk to you about everything. Maybe that'll help. Just you being there, that'll help."

"Okay, then I'll be here. You can talk to me whenever about whatever. I'll be here to listen. And anything else you need to get you better."

"Well, that's settled. What about the second question?" Colby is even more nervous than he was earlier. Because he knows what the next question is going to be.

"Did you really cheat on me?"

"No," he answers quickly, "but I thought about it. I was close to doing it, but I didn't."

"What do you mean by close? Did you choose a girl? Were you about to go to her place?"

"We were in the bathroom and at the literal last second before I could do any real damage, I backed out."

"You— I can't believe this. And you dared to accuse me of not loving you anymore when you went and did that. You know what? I may be stupid for doing this but, I'll stay to help you. I'll stay with you but you're on thin fucking ice. For now, I'm staying in my office."

"That's ridiculous, I'll take the couch. You can stay in the bedroom."

"No, the room smells like you and I'm mad at you right now. Let's just go to bed. We can talk in the morning." I get up from the couch and start walking to my office. I reach the door before turning around. Colby is still on the couch with his head in his hands.

"Oh, and Colby?"

"Yeah?" He slowly lifts his head and looks me in the eyes. They're watery.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I smile softly before disappearing into the room.

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