#bc you’re not doing it you’ve just said you’re at low capacity

[songofwizardry]

so I had the summer (in reality, like… almost three months) off from one of my volunteering roles and I’m 20 minutes into my first meeting back and I am already so irritated and angry. maybe this is Not A Good Sign.

[thehaw-k]

The Cat & The Mouse: Prolouge

Benedict Bridgerton x OC reader

summary: Josette Barham was raised by Lady Danbury from the age of 5, now at the large (and late) age of 19, Josette is set to debut.

a/n: this is low key like a prologue, juicy stuff happens next chapter I promise :) I’m aging Simon down tremendously, present day is set during season 2 where Josette is 19 and Simon is 3 years older so he is 22. I know that would technically be like Colin’s age, but we’re just going to ignore it bc idgaf. also so sorry if my regency language isn’t good, i tried lmao.

warnings: orphan lol

face claim: Jackie Wyers (with red hair specifically, during her Bridgerton & Titanic tutorials) ⬇️

14 years ago: age 5

“Auntie Danbury, when will mama and father be here?” You ask tugging on the poor woman’s dress.

“Patience, my dear child, is a virtue.” She says swatting your hand away, “Go run along and continue playing with Simon, I will have your maid fetch you when they arrive.”

Hugging the woman you’ve always known as your aunt, you run back into the garden and find the boy you’ve always considered your sibling, despite not being related in any capacity.

“Excuse me, Lady Danbury” Kent, one of her closest staff says interrupting her watchful eye on the children. “I’m afraid I have bad news regarding Mister and Lady Barham’s carriage.”

Taking a second to process what he said she looks him in the eyes.

“Go on and say it then,”

“I think it best if we step indoors for this conversation.”

Sighing at the anxiety now resting in her belly, Lady Danbury takes a final look at the children in the garden then back to Kent. Nodding, she follows the man inside.

“Give me my flower back! Simon!” You say chasing him throughout seemingly endless rows of flowers.

Finally catching him, you take the flower back and you both begin laughing. Now looking for Lady Danbury’s recognition, you’re both shocked to see her absence.

“Where’d she go?” You ask Simon to which he shrugs.

Your relationship with Simon is simple, you talk, he listens. The three year age difference doesn’t allow you to completely understand the fact that he doesn’t talk due to being embarrassed of his stutter, but you don’t mind. Mainly because when Simon is with you, he rarely ever stutters, and if he does it’s not nearly as bad as if he were to talk to his father.

“Should we go find her?” You ask to which he takes a second to think.

Nodding in response, you begin to run off with his approval, but he quickly catches you again.

“Follow after me,” He says quietly to which you both walk carefully to the house.

Sneaking in through the back door, you continue following the boy to the main room.

“What are you saying!?” You hear Lady Danbury lash out towards Kent.

Quickly hiding behind a side table, the two of you continue eavesdropping.

“What I’m saying Lady Danbury, is that the Barhams have been in a fatal carriage crash, they both died upon impact…I am so sorry for your loss.” Kent says pausing before walking away from the woman.

Looking at Simon, the two of you silently agree to sneak away. This is information you weren’t supposed to hear, or at least not yet.

“Simon and Josette, what will I do with the two of you?” Lady Danbury chuckles through the obvious tears pooling in her eyes.

You and Simon freeze in your places. Locking eyes with each other, you both bow your heads in defeat.

“Lady Danbury, you c-caught us…” Simon finally says turning around and walking back towards her with you quickly in pursuit.

“The two of you are not as sneaky as you may believe, I always know.” She says teasingly as she picks you up into her arms.

Looking at Simon who is now below you as you rest your small head on Lady Danbury’s shoulder, her voice quickly catches your attention again.

“Shall we have the help prepare us ice cream for this evening?” She asks causing you to spark up.

“B-but, wouldn’t that ruin our dinner?” Simon asks to which she chuckles.

“Always looking to do the right thing, hm Simon? What if I were to tell you, we could have ice cream, for dinner?”

Looking at Simon, the both of you quickly nod your heads. Chuckling as she leads you to the dining table, your mind can’t help but wander back to what you just heard. Shoving the thought aside, you know Lady Danbury would soon explain everything.

10 years ago: age 9

“Lady Danbury, why does no one want me?” You ask looking at her through the vanity mirror as she brushes your hair.

“Whatever could you mean Miss Josette?”

“I over hear you, when you talk to your advisors…my mother had no other family, and my father’s one and only sister does not wish to take me in. Which is why I’ve been staying with you, but you do not wish to keep me. No one wants me.” Tears now prickling your eyes, Lady Danbury stands you up and looks you in the eyes face to face.

“Josette Barham, do you know why you are not included in those conversations?” She asks, to which you shake your head no.

“Because, those are adult conversations. Now, are you an adult?” She asks again, to which you shake your head no again.

“No you are not. But I will explain, Miss Josette. I am not your true aunt. I was given that title, because your mother and I were the best of friends. She loved me so much, that she felt as if I were a sister to her… now before you were born, a plan was made.”

“A plan?”

“A plan, a plan of what to do incase absolutely anything happened to your father, Marquess Flinn Barham, and your mother, Marchoiness Genevieve Barham. That plan was turned into a contract and that contract said, If anything were to happen to Miss Josette Barham’s parents, that she would be put under the guardianship of Sarah Barham, and if that were not to happen, then you would be put under the guardianship of me, Lady Danbury. Are you following?”

“Yes…so my real aunt Sarah, did not want me?”

“No, your aunt Sarah very much wanted you. But Sarah was unable to provide you with the life your parents wanted you to have. Sarah chose to put you before herself and have you continue to stay with me. She loves you very much, but she is unfit to raise a blooming child, do you understand?”

“Yes. But you do not want me either…I hear you talking to them, you say that I am rabid and that I never listen. But I try! I’ve been trying to do better, but you still tell them I am not good enough…why am I not good enough?” Tears now streaming down your face, Lady Danbury looks at you with a very confused expression. That is until she now understands what you are saying.

“Josette Barham, this is why those are adult conversations. I was not speaking about you, I was telling the servants about the new dog we picked out, do you remember?” She says chuckling at how one simple miscommunication caused you to feel such large feelings.

“Oh…Are you talking about Hairy?” You ask more chipper now.

“Yes, that horrendously trimmed dog, she does not listen!” Lady Danbury says pulling you into her embrace.

Laughing loudly at her exclamation, you lean into her arms.

“Josette, I hope you know, that I would never speak of you that way, do you understand?” She says now pulling you away to look at your face.

“Are you being truthful?” You ask reluctantly.

“When have I lied?” She asks narrowing her eyes.

“Never.”

2 years ago: age 17

“Hello Kent,” You say greeting your favorite servant as you step out of the carriage.

“Miss Barham, lovely to see you again. Lady Danbury is waiting for you in the dining room. We shall bring your belongings up shortly.”

“Thank you,” You say walking past him and into your childhood home.

“Ah, there you are! How have you been?” Lady Danbury greets as she was walking into the dining room.

“I’ve been well, thank you for asking. I absolutely adore France.”

“I knew you would, now come sit we’re about to start dinner.” She says walking away.

Admiring the art on the walls and the nostalgic decorations, you contentfuly sigh. Not having been in your childhood home in 2 years, you happily make your way to the dining room.

“Simon!?” You all but screech as you lay your eyes at the table in front of you.

“Josie! You’re here?” He says getting up and greeting you.

“No, I’m in your imagination.” You respond playfully as you embrace your brother.

“Ha-ha. Very funny.” He says letting you go.

“Okay, okay, enough greetings, come sit I have not seen either of you in months and I miss my children.” Lady Danbury says.

You and Simon sit across from each other at the end of the table where Lady Danbury sits at the head.

“So, It is your holiday breaks and they’ve finally lined up to meet at the same time. Usually I’m the one having to visit the both of you, so please tell me everything.” The three of you grin at each other before Simon decides to go first.

“…Anyways, I do not wish to sit here and talk your heads off, Josie what have you been up too?” Simon asks as he takes another bite of his food.

“Well, touring Europe these last 2 years has been absolutely splendid. While I am sad that I am not able to visit home as much as I would have liked, I am extremely thankful for the opportunity to learn. Just 3 weeks ago we arrived in France where I am completely and utterly mesmerized at all times. It is beautiful there. I have also been working on my writing! …I just wish that instead of returning home…for what should be my debut season in two months, that I had more time to continue learning…” You try to say subtly but when you look to meet Lady Danbury’s eyes, she looks very unimpressed.

“Josie, what are you trying to say?” She says seeing completely through the ruse you’re trying to plant.

Looking over to Simon who is simply eating his food, not trying to get in the middle of whatever this has turned into, you sigh.

“I simply wish that, I would possibly be able to continue my education for another year before I debut…” You sheepishly say looking at your food.

“Josie, If I grant you this one year to continue your education, do you swear that at this time next year, you will be home telling me how overjoyed you are to make your debut in two months?” Lady Danbury says causing sparks to fly in your belly.

“Yes! Yes, of course! Without a doubt, no fuss in sight!” You exclaim looking at Simon who is in shock that you were able to get out of your debut.

Present Day: age 19

“Do you know when Josette is estimated to be home?” Violet Bridgerton asks Lady Danbury.

“She is supposed to arrive any second now.” She says taking a long sip of her unsweetened tea.

Sighing contently, Violet takes the cue to just sip her tea also until she was interrupted by the rant she knew was bound to happen.

“Can you believe how two years ago that girl asked me to delay her debut by one year to continue her education, and then she does the same exact thing one year later after she swore she would not? If she tries to come in here and delay it once more I swear to you Violet Bridgerton I will-”

“Lady Danbury, Dowager Viscountess Bridgerton, Miss Josette Barham has arrived.” Kent says interrupting Lady Danbury.

“Lady Danbury,” You say as you curtesy in her presence.

“Child, if you have a question ask it.” Lady Danbury says impatiently.

Shocked at how open she’s trying to pretend to be, you can sniff the trap she’s set a mile away.

“Do you know when we would be able to go to the modiste to find my debut dress?” You ask to which both Lady Danbury and Bridgerton drop their jaws in shock.

“I- well,” Violet begins almost speechless as she’s used to Eloise’s distaste for such festivities.

“I do not wish to ask to continue my education when I feel I have learned an adequate amount, I am ready to debut.” You say with a slight smile earning a large embrace from Lady Danbury and cheers from Lady Bridgerton.

[2dmenenthusiast]

I can't remember if I sent this to you already but could I request headcanons for aizawa, hizashi and Toshinori finding their s/o that has a chipmunk quirk that makes her fall into hibernation when it's too cold (kinda like tsu) but when the guys find her with her heart rate low and her breathing shallow maybe they freak a little bc she didn't tell them about that part of her quirk yet

omggggg this idea is literally so cute I got so excited when I first read it. Also thank you love for comin through with the requests, I really appreciate it! <3 I also hella struggled cuz like, what can someone with a chipmunk quirk do? Stuff their cheeks? Climb up trees? Also I legit forgot what a chipmunk even looked like I had to look it up lmaoooo im so dumb it hurts

Aizawa is an intimidating fella, okay

So when you first told him about your quirk, you were lowkey embarrassed?

Like, here’s this grown-ass man with a badass quirk who is more than capable of taking down villains and defending himself, and here you are just-

🐿️

But you know what’s great about this man? He couldn’t give less of a shit about your quirk or anything like that. He strikes me as the type to care more about personality than anything else

concealing your quirk is fairly easy. People probably wouldn’t even know you had one if it wasn’t for the small fluffy ears popping out of the top of your head, and even then you could just cover them with a hat

But that doesn’t mean you don’t experience the effects of your own quirk just because it’s subtle

You have a mutant type quirk, so you experience certain things that actual chipmunks do

Sometimes you won’t even notice that you’re stuffing your cheeks to full capacity with whatever you’re eating before Aizawa has to cut you off and just be like

“y/n. Chew.”

Or when you’re rushing, you’re usually going so fast that Aizawa can barely even see you zooming from room to room

you can also get kinda skittish at times, your ears twitching whenever you hear a noise that sounds weird or out of place, and you’ll just look at Aizawa with wide eyes until he checks out what made a noise that he could barely hear

“y/n, it was just some kids outside.”

“Oh... sorry, Sho.”

he wants to be frustrated, but he knows it’s not your fault. And honestly? He finds you so cute that he can’t really stay mad at you

So he’ll just let out a huff before patting your head lovingly, grazing his fingers over your ears (Which he KNOWS are sensitive, that asshole)

Experiencing long periods of deep sleep is also a thing. You wouldn’t call it hibernation cuz you still have to do normal, everyday things, but there are times during the winter where you’ll sleep for a few days in a row and only get up to go to the bathroom or eat

And since you can’t actually burrow into the floor of your home, you usually make a blanket fort in the corner of your bedroom and stuff all of the pillows and blankets you can in there until it’s nice and warm, ready for you to bury yourself in

and you might’ve left that little part of your quirk out when you moved in together. whoops

So when Shouta comes home and sees the living room couch void of all of its pillows, he’s not expecting to walk into your shared bedroom and see you curled up in a blanket fort

he’s a bit curious at first, just kinda looking at you like “All right, I guess this is normal?”

and he’ll crouch down and kinda examine you for a bit before he eventually wonders if you’re even breathing? You’re burried under blankets, so he can’t really see your chest moving

eventually he’ll check and see that your breathing is abnormally slow and he kinda just... pauses and checks again to make sure he’s not going crazy.

and he wont deny that he kinda freaks out at first, his immediate thought being that he needs to get you out of there, but the second he grabs the blankets to pull them off of you he’s like wait... hold up.

then it all clicks

you’re a mutant with a chipmunk quirk...

c h i p m u n k

safe to say he’s relieved, so he just lets you be and goes about his day. 

When you wake up a few hours later to go to the bathroom, you come out of the bedroom with your clothes practically on backwards, rubbing at your eyes and stumbling past Aizawa like he’s not even there. And when you’re done, it’s right back to sleep you go

“Back to bed?” Aizawa would ask as he watches you with an amused smirk on his face

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Goodnight, y/n”

“Mm’night.

Listen, when he first heard of your quirk, he thought it was the cutest shit ever

“Your quirk is Chipmunk?! That’s SOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!”

No he’s legit your number one hype man. If you think your quirk is lame, he’s literally shouting at you how cool he thinks you are.

“You can stuff so much food in your mouth, y/n! And that’s pretty dope if you ask me! I’m totally jealous!”

speaking of food, he’ll just randomly ask you to shove as much as you can of one thing in your cheeks until they’re at full capacity.

“Hey y/n, think you can shove this whole pack of jumbo marshmallows in your cheeks?”

“But... I just bought those :(”

“I’ll buy you more, LET’S DO THIS!!!”

also asks you the dumbest questions omg. You don’t know if he’s genuinely curious or if he’s just doing it to piss you off

“So do you just eat nuts all day?”

“You’ve seen me eat, Hizashi. No.”

“Do you prefer to sleep in trees?”

“That would be extremely uncomfortable.”

“Ooh you’d probably be great frieds with Kamui Woods then.”

“Did you not hear what I just said?”

He also REALLY likes your ears. Like an unhealthy amount? Whenever you’re around he literally wont stop touching them and even tugs on them playfully until you’re swatting at his hands and telling him to go away

He can’t help that they’re so cute :(

so on a particuallry cold day in winter when he has to go to work at the school, he leaves your home while you’re sleeping, only to come home hours later to find you... still sleeping?

You haven’t moved an inch the entire time he’s been gone, so needless to say, he’s a litle concerned.

and when he checks to see if you’re still alive only to discover your heart rate is super slow, he’s A LOT concerned

His brain just goes to the most dramatic thing he can think of, which is that you’re in some weird coma and need to wake up

so rather than, i dont know, gently shaking you awake like a normal person, he grabs you buy your shoulders and starts shaking you violently while shouting your name loud as fuck

“Y/NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!”

you literally wake up so violently, you sit right up and shove him off of you before asking what’s wrong with him, pretty sure you’ve officially gone deaf

He then explains that he thought you were in a coma or something cuz your heartbeat was so slow, and at that point you just roll your eyes because of course he would come up with this ridiculous conclusion

“Hizashi, my quirk is chipmunk and it’s a mutation quirk.”

He doesn’t even get what you’re getting at, just tilting his head in confusion as he squints at you.

“What do chipmunks do in the winter, babe?”

Cue more confused squinting

“Oh my god, they hibernate, you headass.”

it finally clicks and the look on his face makes it seem like he just learned the secret of the universe, and afterwards he’s going on about how cool that is while you just roll your eyes and lay back down to try and go back to sleep, bringing the blanket over your head to try and drown him out

He eventually gets the hint and leaves, but after a while, you kinda feel bad for blowing up on him. He was just concerned and didn’t fully understand your quirk

so letting out a huff, you pull the blanket down and call out his name, to which he immediately runs to you at the sound of, asking you what you need

you just wordlessly lift up the blanket to expose the empty side of the bed, and oh boy, the size of the grin he gets on his face is unmatched

immediately throws off his hero costume so that you can both be comfortable and jumps into bed with you, holding you impossibly close

you fall asleep in a matter of minutes while he just looks at you fondly, hand soothingly rubbing your back.

Just like the other two, he finds you incredibly cute. Like mans is in love, okay?

everytime he sees your little ears twitch, he just gets the strongest urge to touch them, but he never does without your consent becuase he knows how sensitive they are.

“Uh... y/n, do you mind if I... touched your ears?” 

Baby probably feels so awkward asking ugh PLEASE REASSURE HIM

“Oh? Yeah, of course, Toshi. Knock yourself out.”

oooh he’s excited. He’ll be super gentle about it, just lightly grazing them with his fingers before gently rubbing them between his thumb and forefinger

and at that point you’re littlerally melting, practically falling into him because him caressing your ears like this feels absolutely amazing

When he sees how it’s affecting you, he immediately becomes a blushing mess and apologizes, but you just hug him and tell him it’s okay and that you liked it

yeah he definitely rubs your ears whenever you’re feeling stressed or anxious because it’s become a quick way to relax you

only when he does it though. If anyone else randomly touches your ears, you get kinda uncomfortable

Just because they don’t look human doesn’t mean they still weren’t a part of you, dammit

Anyways, one day when you’re waiting for Toshi to come back home, you’ve got yourself wrapped up like a burrito in your blanket, sitting on the couch as you watched tv

it had been snowing all day, but luckily Toshinori had turned up the thermostat before he left, remembering how you mentioned that you’re not a huge fan of the cold

unfortunately for you, the harsh weather had no trouble taking out the power, leaving you in the dark and the cold

it didn’t take long for the cold to start seeping in through the cracks in the windows, and you quickly began to grow tired before you inevitibly passed out on the couch, still wrapped tightly in your blanket

When Toshi gets home and sees you on the couch, his first reaction is “aw, how cute.”

but then when he comes up to you and starts calling out your name to try and wake you up and you just won’t, and then he notices how much your breathing has slowed down, he quickly growns concerened.

He’s not in full panic mode yet, but he’s getting there, and he’s quick to crouch down to your level and grab your shoulders to start shaking you to wake you up

which you do, blinking groggily at him like you weren’t just in full hibernation mode

“Oh... Hey, Toshi,” you mumble, and you reach up to wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down so that you can nuzzle yourself into his warm chest

He’s not able to ask you about what happened to you before you’ve already fallen back asleep, and when the power comes back on a few minutes later, he does a quick google search on chipmunks and mutant quirks before putting two and two together

Now he’s thinking of all the ways he could make you something to burrow into during those especially cold winters

[sinkix]

- What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Karasuno edition -

Obviously these aren’t meant to be taken too seriously lol. I’ll probably make this into a series at some point where I include the other teams idk this took me way too long to do JWIDJQENWKJQFN WE’LL SEE. ENJOY! <3

2D men are infinitely superior I said what I said.

Hinata: 

A sucker for motivational speeches or quotes and they always get you hyped up.

Very ambitious and positive despite frequently getting lost in life

Not as innocent as you seem but still a cinnamon roll lololol

You probably eat fruit as a regular snack n ppl judge you for it

Highkey a dumbass but in a very endearing way so people can’t help but like you

Summer is probs ur fave season

Definitely own several plushies and definitely get defensive about it

The friend people go to when they need cheering up.

You either go to bed at 8pm or 3am no in between.

Your texting style consists of several messages as opposed to one paragraph/sentence with the use of MANY emojis.

You 100% fuck with pineapple on pizza. 

Got your head stuck in a cat flap that one time.

Have a hella low alcohol tolerance or don’t drink at all.

Hella clueless when it comes to people flirting with you, they have to hold a neon sign in front of you for you to get the message

“Oh you were flirting with me?” “I was every day for 5 months but thanks for finally noticing”

Definition of a tab hoarder, your pc/laptop frequently crashes because it can’t handle that many but you refuse to get rid of any.

Always get toothpaste stains on your shirt no matter how careful you are.

“Wait we had homework???”

Nishinoya:

You often get random bursts of energy outta nowhere or at 2am and have no clue how to handle it 

You can’t help but head bang and scream the lyrics to your fav songs.

Probably have a hella diverse music taste.

Likely an active/outdoorsy person who either does sports or wants to.

Vvv loyal, type of friend you can call in the middle of the night and you’ll be there.

Chaotic good or Chaotic neutral.

You’re either one of the most responsible people in the room or one of the most fuckin chaotic and irresponsible lmao no in between it just depends on your mood.

Frequently pull all nighter’s and doesn’t even feel guilty about it

Chug soda like it’s water.

An extrovert or one of those introverts that are bat-shit once you actually get to know them.

You have zero shame, can and will run across the street stark naked for a cheeseburger and a can of sprite.

Like fuck yeah who wouldn’t for a burger and some sprite y’know??

Despite being a whirlwind you are actually a hella chill person to have as company.

You own a skateboard or want to.

Own at least one pair of converses or vans.

Probably have a bucket list or tons of future plans for travelling/adventures stored in your head.

You really want a dog and would call it something like Dexter or Human Destroyer 9000.

Likely have had several hair colour phases.

A slut for doritos.

You ate glue once as a kid and it was kinda okay and that fact still haunts you.

Tanaka:

Listen to rap more than any other genre and ur playlist is fire

Punched dry wall that one time

Probably have several piercings and plan on getting more

Prefer sports bras to regular ones.

Intimidates outsiders but your friends don’t take you seriously in the slightest lmaoaoaooa

Ppl find it hard to approach you but you’re actually super chill so you get sad 

Definition of that Kanye meme “before you talk to me” >:( “after you talk to me” :)

Probably don’t trust people easily

Type of person that once you’re challenged/dared to do something they WILL do it regardless of how stupid bc you hate being called a pussy.

Went through a phase where you only listened to Eminem.

Probably is/was the class clown or wished they were.

You have virtually no patience and a pretty short temper lmao.

You’re a go-getter and hate being told you can’t do something

Definitely snuck out the house several times as a teen.

Walks barefoot outside a lot bc fuck shoes lol

The pairs of shoes you do own are mostly worn down sneakers you refuse to swap out.

You’re that asshole that wears socks with holes in for the sport of it and it doesn’t phase you in the slightest. (dw I do too lmaooao)

Could probably bench press someone’s dad

Enjoy’s drinking coffee.

Kageyama:

Such a picky eater bitch god damn.

Usually hella hydrated and judge people that don’t drink enough water.

Eats spoonfuls of chocolate nesquik powder when no one is looking I said what I said

You like stoic and Tsundere guys who have the outer emotional capacity of a brick wall.

You’re probably the same in that sense and don’t enjoy letting people know what you’re thinking/feeling

Poker face 90% of the time

Type of person to pretend not to find a joke funny but then crumble and start crying with laughter.

Probs an introvert

Once when someone asked you what you wanted for Christmas you responded “to be left the fuck alone” and it still applies to this day.

like fr you just wanna be left alone man but ppl keep bothering you.

You HATE it when people tell you to smile and quite literally take it as an insult.

Your bedtime is 9pm and you stick by it religiously 

Always smell really good like damn what you got on??

The most you do with your hair if it’s long enough is throw it in a pony tail and call it a day.

Either have really nicely manicured nails or you’v chewed them down to the nub no in between.

You hate to admit it but you doubt yourself a lot and it really frustrates you.

Probably wet the bed a lot as a kid and you’re still salty about it.

lololol bed-wetter Kags lover

Audibly snorted typing that I’m sorry.

Probably had a ._. face reading that since ur usually hella unamused.

Cute awkward dork though behind that facade it’s just most people don’t see it.

So critical of yourself like chill

An earth sign or an Aquarius idc.

Do not know how to reciprocate a hug but desperately need one

When people flirt with you you somehow manage to make them intimidated with your responses and scare them off.

You called your teacher “mum/dad” once and you get Vietnam flashbacks to this day.

Daichi:

You probably have a daddy kink and lowkey daddy issues with it

Very supportive friend who has a lotta patience

Hella determined and humble.

Mostly wear black because it’s just much easier than colour coordinating and plus you just prefer the simplicity, but you’re pretty vibrant as a person.

The one who stays sober at parties to drive the others home.

Probably haven’t been in many relationships but still do enjoy romance.

seems stern but is actually very friendly and enjoy company bc you don’t like spending too much time by yourself.

Honestly just wants to chill out, go to bed and read a book.

A coffee connessieur but mostly just drinks instant bc ur too lazy to make it properly and just drink it black.

Very reliable.

Often get stuck with most of the work during group projects lololol

People frequently ask you for the answers to the homework/assignment and it really depends on your mood and how charitable you’re feeling as to whether you’ll lend it to them

Low-key a sadist.

100% Old soul

Despite this you are a fuckin dork and have quite an immature but really funny sense of humour.

You have a thigh kink. 

Def grew up reading wattpad smut and most of ur sexual knowledge stems from that

probably prefer manga to animated versions

Absolute pro at winged eyeliner and looks v good in it.

Probably give lectures even without realising it.

Shamelessly watches the nature channel for hours on end and what of it.

Honestly just done with everyone’s shit lmao

Sugawara:

Either are the mom friend or the one the mom friend has to look after.

You vibe with pastel colours

Your fav season is either spring or autumn.

oversized hoodies and knitted sweaters are your vibe.

Enjoy drinking herbal tea

Likes the smell of rain and will purposely step outside after a storm and S N O R T the smell of damp concrete. (srry if ur from some dry ass place like nevada lmao it rains alot in the UK soooOOOoO)

Quiet but have a really creative imagination and has one HELL of a loud voice when they’re pissed off

like,, I wouldn’t dare get on ur nerves ion want my ear drums bursting damn.

Hoards flavoured chapsticks and scented lip gloss

Either did or still have your Harry Potter house in your bio and it was probably Hufflepuff.

Gives people advice that they are fully aware also applies to themselves but doesn’t follow it LMAO.

Listens to K-pop and several Korean and Japanese genres.

Played a dating sim once and you enjoyed it but ur still ashamed and refuse to ever talk about it.

Smells like lavender or something hella floral

Probably reads a lot of Yaoi and no one else knows but you.

Would 100% own a chinchilla

Read Killing Stalking and it messed you up for weeks.

Asahi:

The one who was trying to flirt for months and the other person never got the hint

Probably a really pretty crier and vibe with the mascara running aesthetic.

You tear up easily lol.

Probably a water sign.

Low-key a bad bitch though 

Looks really good in red lipstick

That one person who’s v attractive but completely unaware and v insecure.

That one friend who seems so soft and innocent but can turn into a banshee when need be.

Crying is your therapy.

You overthink a LOT and it often stops you from achieving what you want.

Actually have a lot of willpower despite ur sensitivity.

Was def a pushover as a kid and still have a chip on your shoulder about it.

Hella artsy and day dreams a lot.

You attract broken souls and often get turned to when people’s problems need fixing yet you’re a total mess yourself

Listens to Girl in red while questioning your sexuality

which you do a lot.

You hate being put in a box or labelled.

Gave up on that hobby that one time and you really wanna get back into it.

Always have at least one hair tie on your wrist that’s basically an accessory at this point.

Own a phat ass fish tank with hella pretty fishes bro it’s such a vibe say hi to Nemo for me.

Yamaguchi:

Too scared to ask for extra ketchup packets so you get your friend to ask instead.

Probably have anxiety.

The time you stuttered once when introducing yourself frequently gives you cringe attacks.

Major animal lover and prefers them to people.

Talked to a tree once and it was a pretty cool experience.

Wear a lot of pink or cute colours and radiate babi energy.

Likely wear skirts 

Wear those aesthetic planets necklaces and your tumblr is filled with space related art and themes.

Enjoy staring up at the clouds and figuring out what animal they are.

Has a lot of secrets that they probably tell to their cat.

dw ur cat isn’t a snitch they got you covered.

“meow”

yeah they definitely didn’t just try to reveal ur deepest traumas to your cousin.

If you don’t have a cat you probably would want one and would call it Mittens or sumn.

You’re whipped for freckles and anyone that has them instantly becomes 1000x more attractive to you

Either like 5′2″ or 5′10″ no middle ground

Definitely own a turtle or rabbit and if you don’t then you should.

Forgets your assignments but the professor lets you off because you’re so nervous they can’t scold you.

Oversleeps at least 2 times a week

Will not get up before 1pm on a weekend

Wall flower at parties but people still approach you bc you are so friendly and kind.

Social anxiety intensifies.

Always get’s called on in class when you haven’t been paying attention and it really troubles you.

Has a minimum of 3 blankets on your bed that you cocoon yourself in.

Tsukishima:

Your attracted to snarky assholes.

Sarcasm and insults are your form of flirtation and you get immediately turned off if they can’t take it or get upset.

Probably shy away from your feelings

Random flashbacks to embarrassing events frequently keep you up at night

Judge peoples fashion choices as they walk past you but actually have a really good eye for what works and what doesn’t.

You look like you have your shit together and you kinda do for the most part.

The quiet kid in class that’s listening to some loud ass screamo or rock n roll’ but ppl have no idea.

Definition of the glinting anime glasses pushed up your nose bridge cliche.

When you make a mistake you question all your knowledge and abilities but no one else knows that about you

Refuses to cry since you view your emotions as a personal weakness

If someone hugged you you’d get VERY uncomfortable.

Physical contact is not your forte

Probably a 5′0″ demon.

Would peg a man to assert dominance but you’re actually a lil bitch.

Knows the answer to the question they can’t solve.

Doesn’t study as much as they should but somehow still gets good grades.

Really likes french fries and the taste of strawberries.

Just wants to be left alone

Ennoshita:

The one friend that gets talked over and it really pisses you off but you’re too nice to say anything.

Seems really passive but can actually be hella confrontational when they wanna be

No tolerance for peoples bullshit 

Really stable and just an overall reliable person.

People often forget you’re in the room lmao but it’s okay you’d rather listen anyway.

Actually has a really interesting mind and a lot to say but mostly keep it to yourself unless they’re your friend

Answered for someone else in attendance a few years ago and it still bothers you.

People often come to you to vent and you’re chill with it

Don’t stand out much but honestly it doesn’t bother you

Can and will get through an entire book/series in a matter of 3 days.

Quite a minimalist and organised for the most part

You look like you have your shit together and you def do.

Have a controversial taste in pizza.

You have more acquaintances than friends but the ones you do are a v tight knit circle.

Will re take a quiz several times till you get the character you wanted

Radiate Virgo and Libra energy.

Kiyoko:

Type of person to say “step on me” as a way of complimenting and you mean it literally.

Both a sadist and masochist

When someone tells you their not interested it just makes you want them 100x more and it frustrates you why are you like this.

Doesn’t compliment often but when you do it’s really heartfelt.

Looks like your silently judging people but in reality you really couldn’t care.

Just kidding you low-key judge them anyway.

Very picky when it comes to partners.

Independent but has random hella clingy moments.

Despite being quiet, you are capable of roasting a bitch alive if they test your patience.

Like I would NOT wanna get on your bad side

You could deadass send them to therapy, their emotions fenna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Just really calm and relaxed tbh so people enjoy being in your company even though you don’t talk much.

When you do though it’s usually something really interesting or funny.

You just don’t see the point in talking if what your saying doesn’t hold any value??

You hate small talk and would rather slingshot yourself off a skyscraper than partake in it.

Your face is easy to read and you make no effort to hide it.

If your in a bad mood they WILL know.

Look like your plotting someones demise or questioning life’s theories but in reality you’re really just thinking bout what you want for dinner.

Honestly just a sweetheart tbh.

Low-key have a staring problem.

Has really neat and cursive handwriting like who tf taught you that.

Yachi:

Frequently says something then panics that it could be misinterpreted 

You overthink literally everything you have ever said and the actions you haven’t even committed yet

Really likes the taste of sherbet 

Could cut a bitch if they needed to

You spend most of your money at Urban Outfitters and don’t regret it.

have an assortment of colouring pencils that ppl always try and borrow and never give them back.

You highlight the shit outta your papers and never read them again.

Really like the smell of peaches

Probably have a v interesting earring collection.

Hoard water bottles in your room and you feel majorly guilty about it.

The taste of honey disgusts you but you eat it anyway for some reason.

Somehow managed to burn rice and solidify soup.

You shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen but you try your best regardless.

I feel like that applies to most things in your life

Like yeah you fucked it up but like you’re trying your best lol cmon

V tolerant of people but have zero time for fuckboys and shut them down instantly.

You frequently get the shakes from caffeine or anxiety

Or both.

You give really encouraging hugs.

Have no clue what you wanna do in life but it’s ok bby it’ll work out.

Takeda:

You’re a very underappreciated and underrated person and I love u

Probably an English/languages major

Really kind and outgoing but high-key mysterious

Actually has a phat fucking temper like damn where did that come from.

Won’t take no for an answer when you want to achieve something.

That one person people don’t realise is there listening to your conversations but you definitely are and now know Becky’s deepest darkest secret.

Fuck you, becky.

Wore contacts once and forgot to take them out for 3 days.

You wondered why your eyes were so itchy.

Your music taste does not match your appearance.

Probably watch a lot of crime shows and imagine you’re an investigator

Aced physics and chemistry.

More than likely an introvert with extrovert tendencies when you feel like it.

Actually quite temperamental but it’s okay since you’re a v genuine person.

Often debate getting a sugar daddy bc that income looking real tempting rn.

Honest to a fault at times but it’s something people come to appreciate about you.

Just really wanna sleep for 15 hours and sit in front of your laptop with some hot coco.

Ukai:

You like older men

The smell of tobacco and coffee low-key comforts you for some reason.

Peed in a bottle that one time while on a road trip and forgot to throw it out until you found it a week later.

You’re a slut for dyed hair and dudes with piercings.

You once got drunk and passed out on a spinning round-a-bout in a park and your friend still has pictures that you refuse to acknowledge.

Bi-curious and just radiate big Bi energy

Would experiment but you’re too hesitant.

Hates the taste of beer but drinks it anyway.

Just wants to be loved man I stg is that too much to ask.

Often wonder if your friends actually like you then realise you don’t really care anyway lmao.

You still love them though.

Tired of working over time and just wanna catch a break.

Amazon Prime is your best friend.

Random ass parcels comin thru’ each day and it feels like Christmas.

A very lonely and one-man party Christmas.

Stop spending your fucking paycheck.

Have a pretty dark/cynical but really funny sense of humour and you often make people laugh.

Have a big ass temper and people KNOW it.

Often fantasised about dropping out and becoming a stripper bc your patience was being TESTED.

Really likes money but who doesn’t tbh.

You radiate Chaotic Evil but keep it under wraps.

[lonelyreputation]

First Time

A/N: Back with some more fluff! I was gonna wait a few weeks to post this, to really tweak it, but I love it too much and it’s so fluffy so I decided to share it now 😌 So please enjoy what I think taking a bath with Shawn for the first time would be like!! 

And thank you to everyone who has reblogged my work or said nice words to me 🥺 It really makes me heart flutter and I swear one day I’m gonna print all of the nice words out and put them in a book bc you all are too nice 😪

THANKS A MILLION for all of your support! Reblogs are never expected, but always appreciated!! 🤗💞🌻

REQUEST/PROMPT: Slipping into warm water

Let’s Chat!! | MASTERLIST

Warnings: Two swear words & being naked (but like nothing ~happens…it’s just a bath)

Word Count: 3.9K

Shawn was stressed.  

You knew he was pushing his creativity to maximum capacity when he would come back to his apartment with eyes that looked completely drained, placing a gentle kiss on your cheek before retreating his bedroom.

He was currently in the midst of writing and recording his next album.  And he was feeling the pressure from his fans, industry executives, and himself to put out an album even better than his self titled record.

But how can I achieve something better than that, he would say with a strained voice, his head buried into his hands, it was nominated for a Grammy.

You tried your best to reassure him; that his fans, the executives, and you would love whatever he put out if he had his heart and soul in it.  You had no idea what the woes of fame did to a person’s self-esteem and would never know the pressure of releasing a record.  But you knew that Shawn was a people pleaser.  He wanted to make everyone happy even if it came at his expense.

At a loss for not knowing what to do to cheer him up, you called Aaliyah.

“He hasn’t done it in a while…” her tone was thoughtful, but then she backtracked, “But I dunno if he would want me to tell you.”

“A, please,” you begged your boyfriend’s younger sister as you stretched out on the couch, “I’m looking for anything.  He’s so stressed, he’s barely eating the salad that I make sure he takes with him before he leaves.”

She rushed out her sentence in one breath, “Helikestotakebaths.”

You sat up, “He what?”

With your question, Aaliyah let out a sigh and repeated herself more slowly this time, “He likes to take…baths.”

“A bath?”

There was hesitancy on the other end before adding in an important detail, “Sometimes with…bubbles.”

“Oh?”

“And maybe,” her voice was barely above a whisper, “some candles.”

A small smile graced your lips, your boyfriend surprised you more and more everyday, “Really?”

“You have to swear to me you won’t tell him I told you,” Aaliyah said in an assertive tone, “He cannot know I told you.”

You nodded your head with a smile on your face, you were happy to have gotten something to help Shawn de-stress, “Swear on my life––You’re the best, A.”

After catching up with Aaliyah and hearing what she’s been up to the past few weeks, she had to go and do some chores she’d been procrastinating for a few days.  You bid her goodbye, thanking her again for her help and promising her again to not tell her brother that she let his secret slip.

You hung up and looked at the time.  Three o’clock. You had an hour or so before Shawn was due back so you hopped off the couch and made your way to the master bathroom.  With your hands on your hips, you looked at the tub with a questioning gaze.  Not once had you ever thought that Shawn was someone who was into baths.  You didn’t even think he had touched the faucet of the big white tub.  

But you were trusting Aaliyah with your life so you got to work.  

First, you checked the cabinets under the sink for any bubble bath supplies.  No luck.  Next, you checked the medicine cabinet for anything.  Rummaging through extra bottles of shampoo, soap, cologne…you were about to give up, but there was no other place Shawn would keep anything bathroom related.  He was very particular with how he organized his apartment.  Group like things together, Shawn tsked you when he helped you move into your new apartment, that way things will never get lost.

He was right; grouping like things together did make it easier to find certain things when you thought they were misplaced.  And you thanked the heavens above when you knelt down on the ground, pushing a few empty cardboard boxes aside, to find a little plastic basket with some bubble bath supplies.  

You made a mental note to text Aaliyah another thank you.

Dragging out the basket, you looked in and saw that the bubbles he had weren’t anything expensive. Just a regular run of the mill brand name bubbles.  Usually Shawn liked to splurge on some stuff if he never got the chance to do it often, and with Aaliyah saying he never took baths often, it made you wonder what was holding him back from buying really nice bubbles.  And in the basket were also two lavender scented candles.

You took the candles out immediately and found some matches hidden in the basket as well.  Candles could burn for a long time and it was better to get a head start on those than forget them later on.

With the scent of lavender filling up the room, you took your phone out and texted Shawn: Any idea when you’ll be back? :)

You didn’t want to run the bath too early, fearing that the water would get cold before he even got back to his place.

You unlocked your phone when it buzzed in your hand: Just leaving now.  So tired.  Be home in twenty? Something like that.

Your heart dropped when you read his message.  So tired.  Maybe he wouldn’t be up for a bath?  Maybe he just wanted to go to bed?

No, you told yourself, he’s been stressed and unhappy and deserves something relaxing.

You waited five minutes before opening up the Find My Friends app and clicked on Shawn’s name to track his location.  You saw his little circle of a contact picture moving down a street, the app telling you he was fifteen minutes away.  

Game time, you hyped yourself up as you turned on the faucet to the bath.  You ran your hand under the water until it was at a slightly hotter temperature than comfortable.  You figured that if you ran the water fairly hot right now, it would be at a comfortably warm temperature by the time Shawn got back.  So you put the plug in the drain and watched the tub slowly fill up with water.  When it was a quarter of the way full, you got the bottle of bubbles and squeezed only a little bit in.  You pampered yourself with a bubble bath one time and accidentally put in too many bubbles which ended up being disastrous.

And you didn’t want this to be disastrous for Shawn.  It was supposed to be relaxing.  And Lord knows he wouldn’t be relaxed if you flooded his bathroom.

Once the bath was filled to the appropriate height, you turned the faucet off.  Admiring your work, you didn’t hear the front door open.

“Y/n?”

Shawn’s voice rang through his apartment as butterflies fluttered throughout your stomach.  You hurriedly exited his bathroom, walked through his bedroom and greeted him in the kitchen.

You walked in with a glowing smile on your face, a skip in your step, but when you saw him sitting on one of the barstools, arms resting on the island with his head buried deep, your smile dropped.

Cautiously, you walked up behind him and slid your arms up his back and began to softly rub his shoulders.  He looked absolutely drained and it broke your heart.  Sure, you knew artist’s liked to pour their everything into creating music, but this was borderline insane.  

You pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck, not exactly knowing what to say.  If you asked him about the studio, he would say something that would belittle himself for not writing or singing well enough.  If you asked how he felt, he would just tell you that he felt tired.

But luckily you didn’t have to say anything.  With his head still tucked away, he let out a low hum, “Missed you.”

The only thing you concentrated on was how exhausted he sounded.

“Missed you too,” you brought your hands to wrap around his torso, leaning forward and hugging him from behind, “Long day?”

You felt his back release a deep deep sigh, “The longest.”  You were second guessing the bath that was drawn.  He sounded like all he wanted to do was sleep for the next ten years, “Just wanna be with you.”

And then an idea struck your mind.  

The bath was originally meant to just only be for Shawn.  You wanted him to have time for himself, something he rarely had nowadays, but with his confession of wanting to be with you…

You unwound your arms from him and brought your arms to pull him up by his shoulders.  With a groan, he sat up all the way, but his eyes were still closed, “I really just wanna sleep––“

“Come with me,” you interrupted him as you took his hands and helped him up from the bar stool.  He followed you, but with slumped shoulders and eyes barely open.  He paused in the middle of his bedroom, the arm that connected your hand that held his, over stretching as you kept walking.

He pulled his eyebrows together, “Sleep?”

You let out a small laugh, he sounded like a toddler, speaking only the bare minimum.  Shaking your head you tugged his hand, “I have one small thing for you before we go to sleep.”

“But, Y/n––“

“Trust me.”

He continued to stay put in the middle of his room.  He glanced back at his bed, the sheets tempting him to crawl under and pass out.  But then he looked at you, your eyes pleading with him to follow you.  He gave into your eyes; he always did.

You tugged on his hand once more before he trailed behind you.  You smiled at the smell of lavender that was more prevalent now than it was when you first lit the candles up.  The bathroom lights were dimmed, but when you looked over your shoulder, you saw Shawn looking at the bath, then at you, at the candles, and back at you.

“What is––Did you do this?”

Turning your body to face him you gave his hand a slight squeeze as you stepped forward to him, toes touching, “You’ve been so stressed and I thought this might help relax you.”

His eyes continued to dart between the bath, the candles, and you, “But this––the bath––For me?”

You nodded your head with a shrug of your shoulders, “I wanted to do something nice,” his eyes were now intensely staring into your own, if you didn’t know him like the back of your hand, the stare would’ve intimidated you.  But his eyes were just concentrating; they were concentrating on you and you saw the love in them.

“And I thought…” Your eyes fell from his momentarily, suddenly growing shy about your next request, “Maybe…We could like go in…Together?”  

He was silent.  

It was not the response you were expecting and your stomach dropped, “Never mind,” you waved your free hand in the air, “I made the bath for you so you should enjoy it––You haven’t had any space to yourself, so you–––“

“God, yes,” Shawn’s eyes closed for the second time tonight, but they weren’t closed out of exhaustion, they were closed in pure bliss as he imagined a bath with you, “Please come in the bath.”

Your cheeks heated up as you rocked back on your heels, “Okay.”

You and Shawn had never taken a bath together; mainly for the reason that you didn’t know he took baths.  And it seemed like you were crossing a line into uncharted territory.  Sure, you’ve shared intimate moments together, seen each other naked, and shared your strongest fears with each other.  But there was something about taking a bath with Shawn that seemed even more intimate than all of those combined.

Shawn let go of your hand as he clutched the hem of his shirt, crossing his forearms before peeling the shirt over his head.  You slowly peeled your socks off, one by one, then stripped yourself of your leggings.

He folded his shirt and set it on the ground before his hands trailed down to the button on his jeans.  You watched his careful fingers undo the button and slowly unzip the zipper of his jeans.  He looked up at you through his curls, catching you staring at him, and smiled at you before pulling his jeans down past his thighs, wiggling them off his calves.

Much like his shirt, he folded his pants and set them aside.

Clad in just his underwear, he stepped forward in front of you, toes touching toes.  You were scared and you didn’t know why.  It’s just Shawn, you scolded yourself, there’s no need to feel scared.  The more you two just stood in front of each other in silence, you realized that the feeling in the pit of your stomach wasn’t fear, it was nerves.  You were nervous to strip off another level of yourself and become even more vulnerable with him.

He played with the hem of your shirt, eyes peering into yours silently asking if it was alright to take it off.  You lifted your arms over your head instead of offering him a verbal response.  He slipped your shirt over your head, kissed your cheek softly when it was off, folded it up, and placed it with his clothes.

Both of you stood in your underwear, waiting to see each other’s next move.  Shawn seemed to grasp the emotion behind taking a bath––it was such a simple way of displaying affection––but neither one of you had done this before.  Neither one of you had taken a bath with any of your previous significant other’s.  It would be a first time for something that the two of you would share together.

Staring deep into your eyes, Shawn slowly brought his hands to his underwear and pulled them down his legs.  Your eyes never left his as he shimmied out of them, not bothering to pick them up and fold them like his other articles of clothing.  

“If you…” he started off slowly, “If you don’t want me to look or like…aren’t comfortable, you don’t have to come in,” He took your hand and loosely held it between your bodies, “You can go to bed or…Or you can just sit on the ledge,” he gave your hand a squeeze, “I just really missed you today.”

You didn’t know what to say.  You didn’t know if you were capable of saying anything.  You were mesmerized with the carefulness of his tone, how he had just come from a hard day at work, but he wanted you to feel comfortable.  You didn’t think you could love him anymore than you did in this moment.

With one last squeeze, he released your hand as he made his way toward the white bathtub.  Your back was facing him, but you knew his movements too well that you could picture him; reaching the tips of his fingers in to test the warmth of the water before slowly sinking a foot in.  You heard the water move, you guessed that he was standing in the tub now, getting used to the water before he fully sank into the heat.

You knew he was fully submerged when you heard him let out a groan.  You glanced over your shoulder and saw his knees bent, limbs too long to fit fully inside the tub, as he rested his head on the back of the tub with his eyes shut tight.

With a deep breath, you reached behind your back to unclasp your bra, letting it fall from your shoulders.  You let your shoulders fall as you took another deep breath, carefully sliding your underwear down over your thighs, past your calves, and slightly bent down to unhook them from your feet.  And unlike Shawn, you picked up both of your underwear from the floor, and neatly folded them, placing them next to the clothes he had folded.

The bathroom air felt cold around your body, but the eyes you felt on your back lit your insides on fire.  

Turning toward the tub slowly, you brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, and saw Shawn staring into your eyes.  Any other boy, you thought, any other boy would be trailing his eyes all over your body.  But not Shawn, a shy smile creeped up on your lips; Not Shawn.

Your eyes stayed connected all throughout the few steps you took to the tub, the nerves still bubbling in your stomach.  But with the nerves came love.  With love came adoration.  And with adoration came the boy who was sitting in the tub, patiently waiting for you to join him.

Shawn lifted his arm  from the confines of the water and held it out to you.  With water droplets falling from his arm, you took hold of his hand, not even testing the water temperature before you stepped in one foot at a time.  You trusted that if Shawn was fine with the temperature, then you wouldn’t have a problem with it.

You lowered yourself into the bubbles, the heat of the water loosening up every tense muscle you didn’t know existed, as you sat on the opposite side of the tub from Shawn.  With your body submerged up to your collar bones, the cold porcelain on your back was a soothing contrast from the heat of the water.

Your eyes were closed as you enjoyed unwinding in the tub.  While you made the bath for Shawn, you were glad you decided to join.  Under the water, you felt the toes of his right foot glide up and down your calf.  You opened your eyes to see him with a lazy half smile, “Will you come here?”

You bit your lip to conceal a grin, but nodded, placing both hands on the ledges of the tub.  Your chest was covered with bubbles, but they were slowly trickling off your body, exposing your breasts to Shawn.  But like the whole night, Shawn’s eyes were looking into his favorite color; your eyes.

Moving forward, you twisted yourself to turn around, your back facing him, as he brought a hand up to grip your thigh, slowly lowering yourself down on his lap.  You leaned back on his chest as the water began to still, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Thank you.”

It was just you and Shawn in the bathroom, back pressed against his chest, but he still whispered.  The thank you he whispered held more meaning than those two words.  He was saying I’m thankful for you, I’m lucky to have you in my life, I’m in love with you.

You closed your eyes as his arms rounded your waist and you kissed his neck; suddenly hyper aware of everything around you. You felt the hair on his legs brush up against yours, smelled the lavender wafting through the air, heard the single droplets of water that fell from the spout echo in the tub, and saw the love Shawn held for you in his eyes.

“I wrote a song about you today,” Shawn piped up, voice small and unaware of how you were going to react.

“Really?”

His statement piqued your interest, he was usually closed lipped about what went on during his studio sessions.  You knew some musicians had weird superstitions, and you never pried Shawn on information he didn’t want to share with you regarding his album.  And you never took it to heart, knowing that you would still get to hear the finished cut of the album before the general public.

Shawn sunk further into the tub, taking you with him, “I’ve written lots of songs about you,” he shared.  You turned your face up to look at him better.  You were met with his sharp jawline, his eyes dreamily facing forward as he smiled at the melody he wrote for you that played in his head, “Why I’ve been so tired.”

“Oh?” You said it playfully, a smirk toying at your lips, “Loving me is tiring?”

Shawn squeezed your hips under the water, “You know what I mean,” he finally looked down at you, “Just have so many feelings about you running through my head all the time.”

You let out a small laugh, “Good to know.”

“You’re on my mind all hours of the day,” again even though you were alone, he whispered his words softly, as if exchanging a secret, “Can’t get enough of you.”

Shawn pressed a kiss as soft as his words to your growing smile.  You were having a hard time kissing him back, so overcome with elation, that you never thought your smile would disappear.

Once he stopped trying to pry kisses from you, he knew he would get a good kiss before you headed to bed, he rested his head on top of yours, “This is just what I needed,” he let out his millionth sigh of the night, “I love baths.”

You smiled in satisfaction, “That’s what I’ve heard.”

You noticed the loss of contact when Shawn picked his head up from yours.  He looked down at you with a questioning stare, “Heard? Who told you?”

Shit.

“I uh––Read it in one of your interviews,” You stammered, not wanting to break your trust with Aaliyah.  While you loved Shawn and would choose his side no matter what, you made a promise to his sister that you intended to keep, “GQ.”

Shawn shook his head, a smirk growing more and more on his lips, “Never discussed taking baths with GQ.”

“Billboard?” His smirk widened with another wrong answer, “Variety? Rolling Stone––“

“Aaliyah told you, didn’t she?”

You rapidly shook your head, but you felt your eyes widen, blowing your cover.  But you still held out your promise to Aaliyah and denied his accusations, “Haven’t talked to her in a while, I should probably give her a call, you know?  See how school’s going for her, see if she needs any boy advice–––“

“First off,” Shawn cut you off, “No to giving her boy advice.  She’s too young––“

“It’s how we bond!” Your laugh caused the water to ripple, “It’s not like I haven’t given it to her before.”

“That’s a conversation for a different time,” he shot you a fake glare, before his smirk reappeared and a mischievous glint twinkled in his eyes, “She’s the only person who knows I like baths when I’m stressed.”

You didn’t know how you could argue with that.  No amount of bullshitting could get you out of the corner you backed yourself into.  With a sigh, you lifted your back off his chest and twisted your body to face him, “I wanted to do something for you,” you brought your hand up to cup his face, he leaned into your touch, “You were getting so lost in yourself and I couldn’t think of anything.  So I called her up.”

Shawn nodded against your palm, turning his head to press a gentle kiss on the inside of your hand, “I really do appreciate this––you.  This is the best thing to happen to me all week. Thank you.”

You smiled at him before fitting yourself back up against his chest.  You stayed in the water with him until your fingers pruned up and the water went cold.

[reachfolk]

For the writing prompt, let's go with ruin.

request: alexandria silver-blood + "ruins" (elder scrolls writing prompts — OPEN)

summary: Alexandria's teaching methods may not be conventional nor are they always pleasant, but Lucien can't deny their effectiveness.

tags: fluff, lucien flavius, canon-typical violence, alex and lucien are still pretty new as companions so he's still Baby, lexi is an arguably good teacher, not proofread bc it turned out so long lol

warnings: none

word count: 2.3k

ao3 link: [tough love]

author's notes: for those that don't know, lucien is a modded follower who starts as a wimpy little imperial scholar and you train him to get better at combat. this was SO much fun to write, i feel like it really shows some of my fav things about lexi and her dynamic with lucien! thank u so much for the request dearie <3

The door to the old nordic tomb was jammed after what must have been centuries without being opened, but with a heavy shove, Alexandria was able to force them to give. As soon as they swung open, the smell of decay and rot overwhelmed Lucien's senses, and he found himself struggling to hold down that morning's breakfast.

Alexandria, on the other hand, had no such qualms. Instead, she took a deep breath and smiled at the smell. "Ah, I love these old tombs. You can just feel Lady Namira's influence in the air. Makes the eyes water though, doesn't it? Or maybe that's just the dust." She fanned her face, letting her eyes dry out for a moment before readying her sword in one hand and a simple Firebolt spell in the other. "You ready?"

"Uhh," Lucien hesitated. "Do I have a choice?"

"Nope!" With that, she pushed him through the doors, and he nearly toppled over. "You'll be taking the lead this time, alright?"

"What?! Me?!" He sputtered. "Are you sure that's a good idea? No, don't answer that. It isn't a good idea whatsoever."

Alexandria didn't seem to share a single one of his concerns as she placed a hand on his back and pushed him deeper into the old ruins. "It's a chance to practice sneaking and to test out that Turn Undead spell. Two birds with one stone, as they say."

"I only learned that spell last night. Who's to say it'll even work? Don't you think the stakes are a little too high?"

"Of course they are," she said in her usual, all too cheery tone of voice. "You're not going to learn anything by staying firmly in your comfort zone. Besides, don't you trust me to keep you safe?"

It was certainly a good question. In spite of how she presented herself, Alexandria was a difficult person to read. While he often did appreciate her optimistic attitude (it was certainly an improvement over the glum nature of most of Skyrim's citizens), there were more than a few moments where it almost felt like she enjoyed tormenting him. This wouldn't be the first time she pushed him beyond his limits; ever since she started training him, she seemed to make a game of torturing him and justifying it with reasons such as, "You need to learn to take a hit," or "You've got to get out of your own head." And, well... he wanted to trust her methods, but she make it quite difficult.

"If you take any longer to answer, it's going to hurt my feelings, you know."

"N-no, I don't mean to imply anything bad!" Lucien sputtered. "I'm just nervous, is all. You've been a wonderful guard and I don't mean to offend you in any—"

His ramblings were interrupted by her bursting into laughter, and the sound echoed throughout the chamber. He felt a brief panic, but it seems the sound didn't reverberate far enough into the ruins to alarm any draugr. Alexi, it seems, didn't share his worries at all.

"Calm down, will you? I was joking!" She chuckled. "Believe me, no one understands anxiety better than I do. But that doesn't mean I'll allow you to let it control your life."

Lucien had a hard time believing she of all people, in all her confidence and self-assuredness, could relate, but her words were a comfort nonetheless. "Right," he replied, letting her words sink in. He took a deep breath to calm himself, then firmly regretted it as the stench of death filled his lungs.

Alexi chuckled again at him and patted his arm. "You'll get used to it."

"I really don't want to," he said, but readied his spells nonetheless.

*

The pair made their way through the old ruin, crouched low and sticking to the shadows, just as Alexandria taught him. The muffle spell she cast helped them stay quiet and made it easy to make out the sound of draugr footsteps farther into the depths of the tomb.

Lucien stopped in the middle of the hallway they were crouched in and leaned his head around the bend, leading into a larger chasm. Two draugr patrolled the area, moving in circles around the perimeter.

Alexi leaned back on her haunches and whispered, "So, what's the plan, boss?"

It was strange, the way their roles were swapped. "Uhm," Lucien thought back to what Alexandria did the last time they were in this kind of situation. "Wait until they wander to opposite sides of the room, out of each other's sight, and shoot them down one at a time."

"Okay," Alexandria said simply, but the minimal response was enough to send Lucien doubting himself.

"Is that not a good plan?" He asked, unsure.

"Huh? I never said that. I told you, you're the boss here! I'm just following your lead."

"Right," Lucien muttered. "Right. Uh, I just... need to be more sure of myself."

Alexi didn't respond beyond glancing around the corner, watching the draugr.

"Right?" Lucien asked.

This time, she simply chuckled. "Dearie, how are you not realizing the irony? You're still asking for my approval. It's a good plan. Now go ahead before you start getting in your head again."

Unfortunately, his doubts already took root and refused to budge. Even as he drew his bow and had it aimed at the target, he found himself frozen in place.

After the second opening he missed due to his own hesitation, Alexandria leaned over his shoulder and whispered, "Can I give you some advice?"

"Please do."

"Great!"

She grabbed him by the neck not unlike one would grab a housecat, dragged him up from where he was crouched, and tossed him into the open chamber with the two draugr. As he yelped in surprise, the two draugr turned at the sound and drew their weapons.

The rational response was for Lucien to be angry at her for being so cruel, but in the moment, it was all he could do to bash his bow against the draugr that rushed at him with a greatsword. The attack staggered the enemy and interrupted her mid-swing, giving Lucien enough time to switch out his longbow for a sword and spell.

Just as the zombie had regained balance, Lucien took a swing, putting all his might behind it. It wasn't enough to bring her down, but as the sword connected with her shoulder, the two-handed sword she carried fell from her grasp. He used the chance to shoot a Firebolt spell at her, which sent her flying backwards, unmoving.

Before he could celebrate his victory, an arrow whooshed past his face, just barely grazing his skin and taking a few of his hairs with it. It would've sent his heart racing if the poor muscle wasn't already working at full capacity.

He turned his head to the archer, who already had nocked another arrow and shot it in his direction. He just barely managed to dodge by side stepping behind a column. There was no way he could rush at the archer with his sword, and he was clearly outmatched with a bow. Should he just try to pelt it with Firebolts, or—

Suddenly, he remembered the new spell he'd just learned the night before. It was a risk trying it now of all times, but the adrenaline rushing in his veins made it difficult to rationalize it too much. He charged the spell, then ducked out from behind the other side of the column and cast it before the draugr could even release the arrow it had readied.

The second the spell hit, the draugr immediately pulled its arrow back and turned it's back, running in the opposite direction in the signature awkward steps that all draugr take. Now that the threat of being pelted with arrows was gone, Lucien rushed at the creature and grabbed it by the back of its thin, wiry hair. He stabbed his sword through its back with enough force that it jutted out of its chest. When the creature stopped moving, he released his grip on it and let its limp body fall to the ground.

It took him several seconds to catch his breath. When his heart rate finally returned to normal, a high-pitched squeal broke through the calmness and spiked it once again. Thankfully, he realized quickly enough, it was only Alexandria excitedly cheering for him.

"Good job, Lucien!" She applauded, rushing towards him from where she watched. "Oh, I knew you could handle it!"

"I... I did! Didn't I?" It was still hard to believe he could manage in a battle with her support, so to win two-against-one was inconceivable to him.

"Obviously," she laughed, giving him a playful shove. "See what you can do when you stop freaking out? When you don't have time to doubt yourself, your real skill shows."

He couldn't help but join her in the laughter as the reality of his accomplishment dawned on him. "Does this mean I'm now a proper adventurer? I never thought I had it in me!" He puffed out his chest proudly, beaming at his companion.

"I'm well aware of that. That's always been your biggest problem," she said. "Lucien, you've gotten so used to thinking of yourself as some weak little milk-drinker that no matter how much I trained you, you refused to recognize your own progress. I needed to do something to get it through your head."

"Not to imply that I'm not grateful, because I truly am," he replied, "but was throwing me to the draugr really the only thing you could think of?"

She gave a shrug. "It's how I was taught. Well, for me it was sabre cats. And fire. Oh, and also flowers, but that one's less exciting. And plenty of harsh lessons, really. How do you think I got these scars?" To prove her point, she lifted up both arms, showcasing a large array of scars, burns, and calluses that she'd acquired over the years. They moved down throughout her body, displayed for all to see under her Forsworn armor. The injuries had accumulated so much that it was hard to tell one from the other, let alone deduce what had caused them.

Lucien was curious about it since the day they'd met, but it felt rude to ask. But seeing as she brought up the matter herself, and she didn't seem to have any discomfort talking about it, he found himself asking, "What actually happened?"

"Oh, what didn't happen?" She chuckled. Pointing at the rough shape of a bite mark on her right arm, she explained, "I got this one when Auntie Ursula wanted me to get sabre cat teeth because I'd used up her entire supply when making potions. She wanted to teach me a lesson about recognizing alchemy as more than just mixing things together. Respecting the ingredients the land blesses us with, and honoring the Hunt as a crucial part of the life of an alchemist."

She then pointed to the burn marks along her palms and fingers. "I got these when Mother Helle was training me in Destruction magic. A lot of mages hesitate to progress their knowledge of the arcane arts, so she often pushed us to lean into the pain rather than fear it. Learning advanced fire-based spells results in plenty of injuries, but I couldn't have learned them if I didn't stop being scared of getting burned. After getting lit on fire a few times, it stops being so scary. And, more importantly, you learn to control it better."

"What about the flowers?" he asked.

She held up her fingers and wiggled them a bit. They were rough and calloused, and the state of them made him wonder how she could even comfortably hold a weapon. "These were the first scars I ever got. When I first started working as Auntie Bothela's assistant—I think it was shortly after my tenth winter, she made me dethorn every single flower that was in stock at the store until my hands bled. Then she made me use those same flowers to make a health potion to cure the cuts, and then I'd start over. I wasn't so good at it in the beginning, so my skin didn't end up healing very well. But once most of the skin was scarred, it stops hurting, and it helps when working with more advanced recipes."

"That sounds... quite harsh," Lucien observed. It was odd how she described such unpleasant experiences with a bright smile, as though they were treasured memories.

"All my teachers were Reachfolk, and usually followers of Lord Hircine," she explained. "It's part of his teachings—to suffer is to learn and all that. It's not exactly the nicest way to teach, but I always found it... kind, in its own way. They were with me through every step of the way. There was never a moment of my training that I felt alone or lost."

Then, her voice grew softer, a kind of uncertainty he hadn't seen in her before. "I hope I've been that kind of teacher to you. It may not always be easy, but I wouldn't put you in any situation that I don't trust you to handle, even if you may not always trust yourself as much. And, well... I know you're still making up your mind, but I do consider you a friend. I want the best for you."

The confession made Lucien's heart swell, and he wondered how on Nirn he ever doubted her intentions. And, after today, he couldn't doubt her results. "You have been," he said. "I'm glad to have you by my side, friend."

Her eyes lit up at his words, and the sight was reminiscent of that of an excited puppy. "Me too!" she said, her voice back to its cheery tone.

With that, Lucien drew his sword again and gestured to the path leading deeper into the ruins. "So, are you ready to press on?"

She gave a salute and followed his lead, drawing her own sword. "Sure thing, boss!"

[thedreadvampy]

So this was sent to me by @atiredpan weeks ago when the White Jon conversation was very live and I'm posting it (belatedly) with their blessing (they didn't want to put it up publicly and have it seem like an attack which I really very much appreciate but wouldn't have minded) and I percolated for a few days and then got very busy for a few weeks. Response follows.

So I feel weird about how I'm responding to this stuff, I'm launching rapidly into taking about/explaining my own experience in a way I'm worried maybe comes across as a direct comparison. It kind of feels like I'm talking in a way that's like brushing off your experience and saying OK BUT HERE'S WHY I'M RIGHT and that's not what I'm trying to do, it's just that there's not much I can usefully add to what you've said - you know your experience better than I do, and I'm not gonna go around trying to read into it or reexplain it. So I'm going to talk about where I am/have been coming from, but not with the intention of countering your points, all of which I think really resonate.

First off, the post where I was like "Jon is white and if you disagree you're Wrong" was, unreservedly, just a shitty post and I'm not suprised it upset a lot of people. I'm really very sorry about that, it was thoughtlessly written and pretty stupidly posted.

I totally get that my whiteness has fed into how I hced Jon (and as I think I've said before I saw Jon a certain way well before I engaged with any fanworks, just as you did). There's a lot of reasons I imagined Jon as white from pretty early on, a non-negligible one of which was like...That's Jonny. This is a podcast by Jonny, about a character with the same name and mannerisms as Jonny, and Jonny is extremely white. It would have felt weird, when I was listening to TMA as a Friend Podcast, to stick a brown face onto what at least appeared at the time to basically be a self-insert character of my white friend. Now that's a really personal thing informed less by the story and more by the circumstances under which I've interacted with it, but it certainly laid a baseline. I didn't really have a clear mental picture of Jon (or most of the characters) for a looooooong time (for an artist I'm really not a very visual thinker) but I had a few sort of mental sketches (Jon is short white balding and awkward, Martin is tall biracial and scruffy Basira is fat and somali Melanie is my friend from work etc) which I developed a long time before I encountered fanworks.

I saw the alienation you mentioned and I connected it to class and gender, not race, because I’ve met a lot of cis men, white and otherwise, who interpolate trauma, class insecurity, insecurity about their own abilities, and so on into withdrawal, denial and snappiness. So for me I had an interpretation of that element of his personality which was pretty much race-neutral, and then I had these existing cues leading me to assuming he was white (largely that Jonny is white, but also wee stuff in the story that...it’s not like anything substantial enough to remember, let alone justify, but there were certainly interactions that pinged whiteness for me personally)

There are actually iirc a few throwaway references to Jon being promoted above more qualified candidates throughout (or at least I thought I knew that before s5), but the time I decided I thought White Jon was an obvious conclusion was of course the conversation where Sasha expresses frustration about it. and the context of that conclusion (at least as far as I can see) wasn't "people of colour can only exist in subservient positions/defined by oppression" but was informed by two things that were going on with my life around the time that episode aired

I had been having several conversations with friends of mine (and largely friends of Jonny's) who work in London in the museums/archiving sector and who are the only women of colour in whole departments or even whole museums, and who experience so little career mobility compared to their less-qualified white counterparts (we're talking about women graduating top of their class at Oxbridge with anthropology or library science masters and stellar original research, with a decade or more of impeccable work experience and acting up, being left in internship and low-grade positions, while white men who "fit the culture" but have 0 museums experience sail into upper management positions and then stay there until they retire). So I'd come almost directly from these conversations into what to me sounded like exactly the same gripe in TMA.

I'd been at that point working for about a year and a half on co-coordinating the anti-oppression committee in my workplace, which was a very Good Progressive Activist Charity with Good Lefty Principles, and over the course of experience sharing and discussions both with colleagues of colour and along lines of wealth, disability, class etc, I was very much confronted with the realisation of how much 'being adequately qualified' meant different things for middle-class good-university white men vs much more highly skilled and hardworking women of colour or people of different class and wealth backgrounds. Obviously I'd known that before in principle, but not really having been in Salaried Workplaces (as opposed to like. service and retail hourlies) I hadn’t got so up close and personal with it. So that was also very fresh in my mind, this like...big substantial experience of how Good, Well-Meaning, Caring, Thoughtful, Woke white men just........did not need to think about this. at all. and were startled and discomforted to face it. and that this was also true of most white middle-class women. and these conversations were really carved down the middle between white middle-class European women saying ‘this is such a surprise when we have such an equitable hiring policy and diverse staff, that there’s this gender gap’ and women of colour in the room wearily saying ‘yeah, there’s a gender gap, there’s always a gender gap and it is always a racialised gender gap’ so yeah I was definitely thinking about the intersection between being passed over at work because of gender and because of race.

The point about Tim is interesting because I think for me what’s getting lost is that I don’t think Jon is entitled as like...a Character Trait. He’s not like...Toxic Masculinity Man. He is very anxious about boundaries and about his own capacity to do harm. But it has to be pointed out to him where he’s doing harm. He doesn’t notice where he’s been unfairly advantaged, and that’s to me much more reflective of most people’s relationship to white or male entitlement. 

As I say, that exchange with Tim and Sasha cemented the Jon Is White hc in my head specifically because it was so reflective of conversations I had had with women of colour working in similar workplaces, about white men, usually about white men they generally liked or at least didn’t have beef with beyond their unfair advantages. 

It seems odd to me to frame ‘bitching about your boss on your friend’s behalf to make her feel better’ as more similar to white entitlement/white privilege than any of that tbh? That’s just...being friends with someone? 

Anyway I recognise that it’s not white entitlement to accept a job. Obviously it’s not, it’s just sensible under the circumstances, you get lucky and you grab it. For me my sense of Jon as white-because-of-this is not “he took a job he shouldn’t have taken,” it’s more about his obliviousness to the impact he has on others, and also primarily how people react to him. The interaction between Sasha and Tim is saturated with the of course it would be him I mentioned above, but even before that he walks through the world not expecting to have to think about anything but his conscious decisions, and he’s caught aback when people see him as out of place or as having power above his station.

I think it’s impossible to extricate ‘this is where my head was at’ from that interpretation, and also like obviously my own whiteness is a big factor. And not just my own personal whiteness but the place I grew up (which was 98.3% white) and the world which reflects back whiteness. So this is in no way intended as a bolshy This Is The Correct Headcanon the way my Bad Post was bc examining it I’m like...yeah I mean this is about how I personally interpreted this based on where I was at at the time. But I do feel like there’s some communication gap in what it is about this unqualified promotion thing that pinged me - it’s not that All Bosses Must Be White And All Brown People Must Be Downtrod, it’s something quite specific about the tone and tenor of the interactions around the getting-a-job.

But also? Idk. Kind of unrelatedly, and people obviously should feel free to disagree with me on this, it feels kind of off to frame this as defaulting to a white Jon? I sort of think that my idea of Jon as white is very much not ‘white until proven otherwise’ - part of the reason for my original strident tone was that I felt that I was being expected to drop a headcanon I had for specific reasons and default to the fanon version of Jon without actually having any reason other than ‘this is how the community thinks he should look,’ and without really understanding anything about what that means, and while obviously defaulting to a non-white headcanon isn’t like...entrenched in the way that defaulting to a white headcanon is, it does seem to me like this is perhaps part of why white fans slap brown skin onto a character without thinking into what that means or why they’re doing it.

The thing I’m struggling with as regards my personal headcanon here is that I could decide to only ever draw Jon as Fanon Jon, but it wouldn’t be because I had strong reasons to see him that way, it wouldn’t be the same as why you see Jon as brown, or why I see like...Melanie as Indian, it would literally be Default To Standard in a way it isn’t for you. And I don’t feel that I have Defaulted To Whiteness, or where I have it is for reasons specifically to do with Jon (I visualised Jon as white because I visualised him as Jonny, who is white), not because I think every character is White Until Proven Otherwise. Like, my reasons for understanding Jon as white may be bad reasons, but they are reasons, not post-hoc excuses (I can’t like...prove that. but I know it to be true at least on a conscious level). I didn’t go Oh Jon Is White Because Everyone Is Unless I Have Reason To Think They Aren’t, Hooray, Here Is A Post-Hoc Justification For Why It Isn’t Racist To Think That. So while I am totally on board with the idea that it may be shitty, harmful or poorly thought through to hc Jon as white, I’m not sure I can fully see it in myself as being default. But I do understand that that isn’t necessarily what came across in my original short post.

Honestly, the reason I took issue with Fanon Jon and Fanon Martin in such a bolshy way in the first place was that I didn’t get why these characters were universally seen as Asian and white, respectively, and had such strong and consistent fanon images, when none of the other characters did, and when I was seeing people drawing people like Sasha and Melanie and Tim as white way more when in my mind there was no reason to assume they were white. On an emotional level I guess I think either there’s Fanon As Lore, or there’s no fanon (and I prefer the latter) and my discomfort came from the place that the one character I absolutely saw as coded as white in the core cast had this one really specific Ambiguously Brown Fanon Look (which from what I’d seen at the time didn’t seem to be like...backed with anything or coming from any personal interpretation for most of the white fans I was seeing on like Twitter and Tumblr) but white headcanons are everywhere for characters like Melanie or Sasha or Georgie, who seemed to me to be unambiguously people of colour, or characters like Tim or Martin (who could perfectly reasonably be people of colour and who I hc as Rroma and biracial respectively)? I don’t know, it’s difficult to express, but I find it frustrating.

[szamsson]

Could you write a prompt about Sander and Jens relationship? Maybe Jens feels jealous bc Robbe is spending so much time with Sander, and there is tension between them which eventually is resolved? Thanks! ❤️

Jens was chill. Out of all his friends, he’d say that he was on the laid-back side, not letting much bother him. He’d been through his fair share of relationship drama, but he could say for sure, that currently he was chill. So he had no idea why he was suddenly becoming agitated with the presence of Sander, everywhere. Okay not everywhere but Jens had some kind of weird jealousy that was churning his stomach every time he received a text from his best friend telling him he was ‘too busy with Sander’ to join them at the skate park, or that ‘sander had surprised him with something so he had to cancel their plans.’ It was starting to bug him.

Jens was proud of Robbe and he was so so happy for him. He could see how much the previous year had taken its toll on Robbe, the constant bags under his eyes, the anguish in his face as he fought the demons that were inside him. And Jens kicked himself every day for not doing more for the boy before he managed to come clean to Jens. Now, Robbe was like a brand-new man, nearly always smiling, a lightness in his step, and Jens had to give Sander some credit for bringing his best friend back from the ledge. But that didn’t mean he had to like the way Robbe’s attention was currently split between his friends and his boyfriend. He knew he was being unreasonable, and that Robbe still hung out with him all the time, but Jens wasn’t used to having to share, and he felt like an only child who was suddenly sprung with a new brother he had to share all his favourite toys with.

They were walking out of school one Friday, discussing what time they would meet tonight for games night, Jens promising he had some A-grade weed they could all share. Suddenly Robbe became distracted mid-sentence, squinting towards to front gate before a smile broke out across his face.

“Hello? Earth to Robbe?” Jens said, slightly exasperated as he waved a hand in front of his face.

“Huh?” Robbe said still looking forward, shoving Jens hand out of his face as he finally turned to face his best friend.

“I said,” Jens grumbled, “you’re getting the beer, right?”

As they approached the gate Jens finally came face to face with what had Robbe’s attention. Sander was leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, looking casual as he flicked through something on his phone. God why was he even here? Didn’t he have better things to do than hang around with a bunch of high schoolers. Jens rolled his eyes as they neared the older boy. Robbe slinked up and wrapped his arms low around Sanders waist, looking up at him with stars in his eyes and he breathed out a barely audible “Hey,” and Jens felt that feeling in his stomach come to life again.

Sander looked shocked for half a second, before shoving his phone in his pocket and kissing Robbe full on the mouth, making Moyo and Aaron make exaggerated kissing noises. Sander didn’t even look up, simply flipped the two boys off, breaking the kiss eventually and wrapping his arm around Robbe’s shoulders as he faced the rest of the boys.

“What are you doing here?” Jens said, and he even surprised himself at how cold his voice was. Sander seemed a little taken aback, and Robbe frowned slightly before brushing it off.

“Um am I not allowed to be here?” Sander said with a little laugh, still looking confused.

“I mean, you’ve picked him up pretty much every day, he’s a big boy Sander he doesn’t need you to hold his hand.” And okay woah, Jens had no idea where that came from but once he opened his mouth it’s like all his jealousy and frustration just came out without his permission.

“Dude…” Aaron said looking confused. Robbe scowled and gave Jens a look.

“Chill Jens? How did you think I was getting that beer? It’s not as if any of us are over 18.” Robbe explained calmly.

“Yeah okay sorry,” Jens mumbled, then a thought crossed his mind and in a semi scornful voice he said “Well cheers for the beer mate but it’s boys night so you can come off Robbe baby sitting duty.”

“What the fuck is your problem?” Sander said. His voice was calm, but Jens could tell he was losing his temper.

See when it came to this the lines were blurred because as far as Moyo and Aaron were concerned, Sander was one of the boys, and he had been up until Jens started to get this feeling in the pit of his stomach. It’s not as if Aaron was bringing Amber to boys night but that was completely different and Jens didn’t know how to come to terms with it. He just didn’t understand why Sander got Robbe’s time in the capacity of a relationship and also got to encroach on Jens’ time with Robbe, it wasn’t fair.

When Jens didn’t say anything, Sander continued. “Jens I don’t know what I did to you or why you’ve been acting so…hostile but cut it out dude. And I’m not coming to your precious boys night. So Chill. Out.” He emphasised the last two words, before taking Robbe’s hand, and with a final look at Jens, Robbe followed him down the street.

“Okay, you can tell us.” Moyo said in a joking tone, “Are you in love with Robbe?” Aaron started laughing and Jens cracked a smile, shoving him.

“I just don’t understand why he needs to be around all the time.” Jens complained, “Doesn’t he have his own friends?”

“I really think you’re overreacting.” Aaron said, “He’s not even around that much, and besides I think he’s really cool to hang out with.”

“Okay, you can tell us.” Moyo quoted himself from a couple of seconds ago, “Are you in love with Sander?” They all laughed this time and continued down the street.

Jens had felt bad all afternoon that he had let his jealousy get the better of him. He knew Robbe loved Sander and vice versa, and he loved Robbe, obviously not in the same way and Jens just had to learn how to not be the centre of Robbe’s attention anymore. As he walked to grab another round of beers he heard noises outside his front door. The other two boys had come home with him after school so he could only assume it was Robbe. He went to the front door and heard whispering as he unlocked it and pulled it open.

Robbe was standing chest to chest with Sander as the older boy whispered in his ear. From what he heard before opening the door fully, it seemed Robbe was complaining about something. But all Jens could catch was Sander whispering back “Hang out with your friends,” and “It’s one night, you can always see me tomorrow.” This made Jens feel even worse for going off at him, seeing as Sander was the one encouraging Robbe to hang out with his friends and Robbe was the one resisting.

The two stared at Jens as Sander stepped back, raising his hands and quickly saying “I’m going, I’m going,” as he turned to walk away.

“Wait!” Jens said, surprising both Sander and Robbe. He gave Robbe a meaningful look as in read the room Robbe I’m trying to talk to your boyfriend alone, but Robbe held his ground looking worried. “Can I talk to you?”

Sander sighed and motioned out to the hallway. Robbe stood in place as Sander looked at him and said “It’s fine Baby, although I’m a lover not a fighter so maybe stand by to save me if punches are thrown.” He was clearly joking, a smirk clear on his face as Robbe scowled and left the two boys alone.

Sander looked up expectantly at Jens, his face impassive.

“I’m sorry,” Jens said, wringing his hands nervously, looking anywhere but at Sanders face. “I was jealous, and I’m sorry.”

He looked up as he heard Sander sigh. He gave Jens a, not entirely, apologetic look before speaking. “Look, I get it. I know you guys are like brothers and it must be weird to suddenly have this random guy pulling focus. But seriously Jens, it’s not like that for Robbe. He fucking idolises you. If anyone should be jealous it should be me.” Sander was smiling now, and put a hand on Jens’ shoulder.

“I know, it’s just,” he was having trouble finding the words. “You were there when I wasn’t and I guess… I’m just disappointed, in myself.”

“You were there for the important stuff. You looked after him when I didn’t. And he’s always going to need you. Especially because I am the way I am,” Sander huffed out with a self-deprecating laugh. Jens shook his head, but Sander just smiled.

“I appreciate the apology, but there’s no need.” Sander gave him one last look, and Jens smiled back, the two boys feeling as though they had come to some sort of unspoken agreement, before Jens headed back into the apartment, laughing as he nearly ran over Robbe who was listening closely up against the door. Looking shocked he had been caught, Jens simply ruffled his hair and swung an arm around his shoulders.

[lorencourtier]

Discord Thread II Loren, Jace, and Emily

Discord thread featuring: Loren and jace @jace-matthews and Emily @warmvlbes

Mentions: @malakhai-ozera @davieslandon @bensonnick

When: July 28th

Description: Loren, Jace and Emily all get into a fight after Lorens texts with Emily

Jace “do you know what’s funny? You and emily living under the same roof but texting each other. Cutest friendship ever.”

Loren. “It is funny. But I don’t wanna leave you.” He laughs

Jace “I’m sure it’s juicy whatever it is.”

Loren. “Oh, just Khai shit” he shrugged

Jace “because....he backed out of a chat after a couple exchanges about a food item?” He snickers rolling his eyes.

Loren. “Yeah... I don’t know. I thought it was funny”

Jace “guys are weird. Id know. I am one.”

Loren. “Yeah, I just don’t have the brain power to analyze Khai right now” he chuckled

Jace “who...does?” He laughed. “I haven’t even had the chance to speak to him really”

Loren. *so, I guess if you wanna move in with me. It’s gonna be at my old place. Thank god I still haven’t sold it yet”

Jace “I beg your pardon? No I’m not doing that.” “I like it here.”

Loren. “So then move in with Emily. I’m out.” He gets off the bed and starts grabbing shit from the closet to throw back into its box

Jace “can you explain to me what is going on?” “because y’all are literally in the same house. Don’t make me pull you both out into the common room and treat you both like my students that I mentor”

Loren. “I’m just done supporting her ass and then she turns around and calls me fake because I think their being intense and weird? Fuck that Jace. I don’t need this shit in my life. I’m sorry.”

Jace “Okay first of all: watch your tone with me. Second of all: if you felt that way, then maybe you should’ve told her that versus saying other things? Calling people is tense or weird isn’t nice. And you know how Khai is with emily. You can’t blame her for acting out. He’s literally done nothing but to prove he can’t be trusted. If I did that shit with you, how would you feel being called intense or weird? You’re her best friend loren. She’s always going to look to support you bc I’m sure if I fucked up, she wouldn’t be on my side. you don’t have the brain capacity for tonight, okay. But insulting them all together isn’t going to solve anything. It does come off a little left sided.”

Loren. “Okay, you know what. She should know damn well I love her. I get intense and weird myself and if I was being that way I wouldn’t be all shitty for being called out on it. Second off. I know how he’s been, fuck do I know, and if it were you I would have already left. I don’t do this drama shit, I don’t play, and I’m not about to be disrespected for speaking my mind. I always have her back, always. She knows this. I try to help her see the light in Khai because she loves him. I personally don’t like him. Anyway, I’m leaving. You can stay wirh her”

Jace “loren you’re staying and thats final.” He said raising a brow. “Im literally moving in with my boyfriend of 24 hours and she didn’t call us intense or weird. So she’s stronger than the average person but that doesn’t make her crazy. You hurt her feelings loren. And so she did it right back. Y’all just need to talk this out. But you’re not leaving and if you do, thennnn....I’m gonna take a step back because this can be easily solved and if you walk out on her for this, then I’d hate to see how you’d react for the first time we fight. running away solves nothing.” He shrugged. “So either get it together the both of you? Orrrrr Im out.”

Loren. “You’re kidding right? This isn’t our first fight, and if your out for that. Because she disrespect me. Then you know what? I’m sorry. I’m not gonna sit down and be a fake person and smile when all I do is be there for her. I say one thing she doesn’t like and I’m the bad person, and now you threaten to leave me because I don’t wanna deal with it? That hurts” he turns around and walks into the bathroom slamming the door

Jace “did she not feel disrespected by you too though...?” “EMILY GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW.”

Emily She walks in, standing in the door frame.

Jace he opens the bathroom door. “LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. I’ve had enough with both of you. This is bullshit. OVER A BOY? REALLY? Y’all- it’s KHAI WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. he’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. pointing to em and you are not perfect pointing to loren. BUT DISRESPECTING EACH OTHER IS A LOW OF ALL LOWS. IT SOLVES NOTHING”

Loren. He comes out of the bathroom and pushes past them both. “Figure your shit out. I’m done” he said to Emily. Turning to jace after. “You wanna leave me over this? Fine. Do what you want. I’m leaving” he walks toward the front door

Jace “Loren if you walk out that god damn door, I will know your love for me was not real and you are running from me just like you had to do with Landon. Pick and choose your battles right fucking now bc she is here and so am I. I am trying to help. and you literally aren’t even listening. You’re too busy trying to run.”

Loren. “I can’t believe you just said that to me. You can’t be serious”

Jace “you two need to talk. I don’t care if it doesn’t happen tonight but we’re not about to throw away this home over a boy. YOU can’t be serious. You’re running. Is it that easy for you to walk? I’m trying to help.”

Emily “I’m not going to be the reason y’all break up either.”

Loren. “I’m leaving because I’m obviously needing to cool off. But you want me to stay and keep fighting? You want me to be fake and say it’s all okay? Fine... it’s all okay baby. She didn’t disrespect me at all. Happy?”

Jace “did I fucking say THAT LOREN? NO I DIDNT.” “I JUST SAID TO TALK IT OUT”

Loren. “I DONT WANT TO! I tried and she just kept saying fuck me. So guess what! Fuck me!”

Emily “Loren wait*”

Loren. “I don’t wanna do this. I am not about to do this again. Just stop” he said dropping to the floor and holding his head

Emily “look i was fired up and said some things I didn’t mean. But you really did hurt my feelings...”

Loren. “Just stop”

Emily “stop what! I’m trying to apologize”

Loren. “I didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. And I can’t do this... i need to leave”

Emily “so my feelings are invalidated because it stung to hear you call me weird and intense? With someone you’re usually happy for me for?” “i mean if it means saving the friendship, I’ll just stop going to you about Khai. It’s not like I can talk with anyone else about him. So I’ll just leave the subject of him to deal with myself.” “because all people do is want to either try to insult him or tell me how I should do better. I’m just gonna...stop...talking about him”

Loren. “Well I’m sorry you don’t think it’s intense and weird to be off and on and constantly trying to one up each other. I don’t care what you do. I always support you, you know damn well I do. But YOU” he pointed to Jace. “Just broke my fucking heart.”

Jace “what the fuck did i do? You just tried to walk out on me for trying to help mend something?”

Loren. “I never said I was walking out on YOU”

Emily “Loren YOUVE always supported us so it was just weird to hear you say that...it felt out of no where. But I am sorry that I disrespected you. I just felt disrespected too.”

Loren. “But to throw Landon in my face? That hurt”

Jace “I’m not talking about this in front of emily.”

Loren. “Yeah. I’m just don’t with this whole conversation”

Jace “then go like you planned on doing.”

Loren. “I’m not going”

Emily “can we just light a joint or something? I don’t like us all fighting.”

Loren. “But I’m not about to ever be threatened like that again. Ever”

Jace “you tell me you love me every fucking day and you were ready to throw me in her by myself over some petty ass bullshit. You’re not going to just walk out on me trying to talk to you and that wasn’t a threat. It was a promise. Bc it was juvenile. This whole thing is Juvenile.”

Loren. “I was upset and the first thing you did was say I was acting out and sides with her. You wanna do that, fine. You don’t wanna talk about this in front of her, fine. I wasn’t walking out on you. I just don’t wanna live somewhere that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I did that my entire fucking life”

Jace “I was trying to get you to see from her perspective as you do every time I’ve spoken to you about my mom, or anything else loren.”

Emily “can no one leave? Please. Y’all this is my fault. I raised the tension bar and i don’t like this. I’m really really sorry loren.”

Loren. “ I see her fucking perspective. But she doesn’t care to see mine. I’m not even going to be okay with this. Or pretend to be. Maybe you should just... I’m not doing this. Fuck this” he started to cry

Emily she walked over and held him. “Jace can you just give me 5 minutes? Please.”

Jace “whatever”

Loren. “Don’t touch me I need to leave. I need to go. Just leave me alone”

Jace “I thought you said you weren’t going.”

Loren. “I-“ he just shook his head

Emily “Jace! 5 minutes.” She said again watching as Jace walked out. “Loren I know you hate me right now but you need to listen to me. You hurt my feelings too. Okay? I know you support me and yeah I see your perspective. But you’ve literally called me strong from day 1 and now it’s like you’re calling me weak for even attempting to make shit work with Khai.” She shrugged. “I don’t want to fight you at all. I’m just a little blindsided by the comments you made and I’m sorry because yes, you have supported me 100% of the way. But that’s exactly why I got confused and upset just now. as for Jace, I-I don’t have advice for that but you guys love each other and y’all just need to breathe and talk this out. But don’t leave. Because that’s clearly not what he wants. But if it’s what you NEED to do, then I guess do it.”

Loren. “Emily, I do nothing but listen to shit between you two. I never complain, I never hardly ever bring up my own shit. But the truth is. I do think you could do better. He obviously has shit he needs to deal with before locking down. But still I support you and root for you. I’m always honest with you, and I’m sorry you didn’t like what I had to say tonight. But it’s always something with him, and that’s a lot on me to make you feel better. I told you I was off. But you still get shitty with me like I’m supposed to just kiss your ass and lift you up. Now I This shit with Jace? Because of Khai and you and what he said... I don’t know if I can forgive that. It’s obviously just too much for me.’so leaving felt like the right thing to do. If he doesn’t wanna support me. Then maybe I was wrong about him”

Emily “I think he was just trying to support us both.” She said through worried eyes. “He cares about Our friendship, Loren. That’s not terrible but he didn’t need to stoop that low and I’m sorry he did. But i don’t think you were wrong about him. Just remember how much shit i deal with when it comes to Khai. But i still love him. Just like you love Jace. If you need to, stay in my room tonight. I don’t care. I want to be there. And like i said, I’ll stop talking about Khai because yes I fully take responsibility for this and that’s exactly why I don’t want to be the reason, or my bullshit with Khai, to be the reason y’all break up.” “I’m really really sorry.”

Loren. “I don’t wanna stay in your room. I don’t wanna be here. You both hurt me. You both made me feel like my opinion or feelings didn’t matter. He should support me not you. I know your friends but he is supposed to be my number one supported. Someone who calms me and is there for ME. I’m just not going to pretend this didn’t happen, and yeah. You started the whole fire in me but he fueled it. I’m just done. I’m just fucking done. Do what you want with Khai. But don’t expect me to sugar coat shit anymore. You deserve better. He’s a piece of shit. Handle it”

Emily “I’m just gonna try and move on. It’s all i can do and i don’t expect you to just bump and forgive me for this or forget this happened. I’m just saying sorry because your opinion does matter. It just hurt coming from you. And if you don’t want to be here, then go.” “or I’ll go. I’ll just go stay at nicks.”

Jace “and I’ll go too.”

Loren. “It’s like everything is fine as long as I’m saying what you wanna hear. How many times have I backed you or lifted you up?”

Emily “every time...”

Loren. “Now it’s all my fault and I’m losing my boyfriend over it? Go stay with nick like I fucking care.”

Emily “i was just saying that i will go....Christ.”

Jace “actually I’m still here but I can go if this is how tonight is gonna continue to pan out.”

Loren. “Are you here for me or her? Cause I’m a little confused right now”

Jace “I’m here for both of you because this fight is dumb. Like y’all both invalidated each other. Grow up”

Loren. “Yeah, grow up” he just laughed

Jace “yeah I’ll just go because we’re gonna be going in circles all night. I’ll see y’all later.”

Loren. “Okay, Emily, baby, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Emily “no you don’t. I’m leaving too.”

Loren. “Jace, I forgive you too. It’s all my fault and next time I will watch what I say more carefully”

Jace “goodnight, Loren.” Walks out the front door and slams it

Loren. “Let it all be on me”

Emily she sighs, runs into her room and starts packing an overnight bag

Loren. “Don’t you ever talk to me again. I can’t believe you just did this to me after all I did for you”

Emily “loren I do not control Jace’s actions....”

Loren. “This is not friendship You just broke me in a million pieces all because of a stupid left on read by Khai”

Emily “Okay this is bullshit. I didn’t even do anything except fight with you. I don’t control what Jace does. I’m sorry he cared about both of us??? LOREN I SAT HERE AND TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND YOU ARE BEING A DICK SO INSAID ID LEAVE. IDK WHATBYOU WANT”

Loren. “I’m going to get high. Fuck you”

Emily “fuck you too dude.”

Loren. “I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. And I’ve been beaten, raped, and disowned by my father.”

Emily “I’m not Jace, Loren. he tried to help...”

Loren. “No your not. Did he?”

Emily “yeah he did but you’re too pissed off to see that and taking it out on me.”

Loren. “I don’t think he did. He threatened to leave if I didn’t just suck it up and forgive you”

Emily “shouldn’t you be fighting him?”

Loren. “That’s not someone who was trying to help”

Emily “you’re not even taking fault for what you said. You’re not sorry at all. You don’t care how it made me feel so why should I care how you feel right now? Oh that’s right. Because i tried to apologize and it’s still nothing.”

Loren. “All I did was wanna leave and I wanted him to come wirh me. But he chose you”

Emily “Because he didn’t want to see a friendship end over a stupid boy...”

Loren. “I didn’t say anything wrong You both were being intense and weird.

Emily “it’s funny how you can see things from Khai’s prospective but when it comes to people pissing you off, it’s complete tunnel vision” “Loren you don’t have to berate or lecture me again on how i can do better. I got it the first 2 times you said it.”

Loren. ”oh my god. Can you not just take one step back and try to see where I’m coming from?”

Emily “I did and do. Do you know how many people tell me that i can do better?” She asked.

Loren. “I don’t care that’s the thing. If you wanna be wirh him I support you. I just said what I saw and you flipped”

Emily “do you know how annoying it is to feel like Me fighting for something that i really want only for people to say why emily?”

Loren. “I give up. It’s always about you” “I’m trying to tell you. I support you”

Emily “if you’d let me fucking finish— I should not have snapped at you but it had been everyone. Literally everyone. Even anonymous beings telling me to do better. Hearing it from you, it just hurt.  AND I KNOW LOREN. OKAY I KNOW.”

Loren. “But all you hear is this stupid shit I said one time”

Emily “you want what’s best for me. Okay i hear you. I do. I’m sorry. Idk how many times you want me to say it. I’m. Sorry. I know you want to see me do better.”

Loren. “I can’t even keep up with you right now. That isn’t even what I was saying” “Let me talk”

Emily “It’s how it came across loren.”

Loren. “I wasn’t saying that in our text. I was just saying. You two are intense and weird. I don’t see anything wrong with that, it’s who you two are. But you completely flipped on me. I always support you and root for you and try to paint him as an angel for you. You know I do. So why you went off on me is beyond me. You should know I’m not aaron or any of those stupid assholes. I’m here for YOU! Yeah, maybe you could do better. I don’t really like the way he treats you. But I didn’t say that in the text. I always support you. I wanted to take a step back and just cool off because you literally went off and said fuck me. I don’t need that shit. I’m battling my own demons too you know. Now Jace...”’he teared up. “I should have known better. But guess what? I didn’t. So now I’m broken and you can be sorry but it doesn’t matter. I learned what I had to I guess. I hope you do too.”

Emily “Loren you also just said that I could do better though. But i do appreciate you supporting me and I’m sorry...I’m sorry if I’m the reason you and Jace break up but i really hope I’m not. I highly doubt he’s even left. He’s probably just as broken but this is my fault and I feel horrible for all of this. At this rate, i don’t even know how i have friends because I’ve snapped at every single one of them this week.” She shrugged. “I just don’t want this friendship to die over this. This is so stupid. And I will bring Jace back in here because yalll have to talk. Don’t let this ruin you both. Please. but can i also please just ask for pure transparency with you? Because painting Khai as some angel ISNT going to help me if he pulls the shit like he did tonight.” she sighed, peaking out the window. “He’s literally on the staircase, top step. I’m gonna bring him back in here. Just please...try to talk.”

Loren. “He didn’t even do anything but not text you back. That’s why I try to calm you down. Cause something you act like he’s so bad. When literally he barely did shit. I get why you feel the way you do, trust me I do. I have trust issues myself. But Jace using Landon against me. I can’t even.... that’s just not okay.”

❈ Ⲉⲙⲓ𝓵ⲩ ❈ “Loren it wasn’t even about the text. It was the fact that he backed out of a convo when I was joking with my best friend. Hello.” She sighed. “Talk to Jace. It’s the only advice i can offer. I already said he shouldn’t have stopped that low and i mean it.”

Loren. “I didn’t run from Landon. I tried to protect him and then I fell in love with someone else. I don’t run. I cool off, and I’m done with this. This is too much”

Emily “Loren I’m behind you on this. But I can’t solve it. You have to talk to him, babe”

Loren. “Nope, let him go” “I’m used to being left”

Emily “Loren stop.”

Loren. “I don’t want to” “I don’t have the energy for this.”

Jace he walks in and grabs his book bag, trying to grab his things in peace, his face red from crying but doesn’t say a word

Emily “then give it up. If he’s not worth it then let him go”

Loren. “I didn’t say he isn’t worth it”

Emily “well he’s leaving.”

Loren. “Don’t you dare put words in my mouth”

Emily “I’m not...I’m giving you options Loren. Either talk it out with him, or let him go. doesn’t have to happen tonight. He’s already on his way out”

Loren. “Wow, you really don’t ever listen to me do you?”

Emily “LOREN IM LITERALY SAYING TALK TO HIM WHEN YOU CAN”

Loren. “Has the one choosing to leave” “He’s also the one choosing to hurt me. I can’t control him”

Jace “BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, LOREN!”

Emily she sighed, and walked out.

Jace “IM HOMELESS. I HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO GO”

Loren. “Well, im just done. I literally can’t do this anymore” “You didn’t want me to leave. But there you go”

Jace “so that’s it. Youre breaking up with me”

Loren. “As long as it’s not me right” “No I’m not. You’re the one leaving”

Jace “I didn’t leave. I’m still here. I was crying on the top step because I shouldn’t have said what i said. And now yes I want to leave because I really don’t think i should be here. I’m not good for you loren. I’m not.”

Loren. “Wow.’okay”

Jace “You can’t convince me I am when I just hurt you that badly.”

Loren. “I really just don’t even understand how this is my fault”

Jace “i have to live with that for the rest of this life, this relationship. I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself.”

Loren. “You wanted to protect her instead of me. That’s fine. I’m just not going to beg you to want me. I’m not gonna beg you to side with me. And I’m sure as hell not staying in this fucking town”

Jace “so you are leaving”

Loren. “Why do I have any reason to stay without you?”

Jace “and I didn’t want to protect anyone...I was literally just trying to help... immsorry” “Loren if you leave, so will I.”

Loren. “You literally ask me every day if I’m okay. No, Jace. I’m not”

Jace “you don’t talk to me. You never fucking talk to me maybe I’ll just take that trip to Hawaii like I planned to find my mom.”

Loren. “I try to stay stable for you. For her. For myself for gods sake. But I’ve been through a lot. To the point I just wanna die most days. But you are literally the only thing keeping me going. Then you say that about Landon. Like I actually ran from him? I didn’t run from him. I was beat within inches of my life. Then I met you... and now you. Okay you know what. I can’t even... I just need to go. This is pointless”

Jace “our love is FAR from pointless, Loren.”

Loren. “Neither one of you let me talk”

Jace “you just spoke”

Loren. “I’m sorry okay? I’m fucking sorry. Can I please go get pure now?”

Jace “I don’t even know what that means. And I don’t know why you’re apologizing when I’m the one who fucked this up.”

Loren. “I don’t know either. I literally am not in the right state of mind tonight. I said that half a dozen times. And still... “

Jace “I’ll just crash on the couch. Talk later.”

Loren. “Okay. I’m done”

Jace “ok”

Loren. “Don’t say I didn’t fight for this” he says walking out the door and slamming it

Jace “what the fuck is going on?” He follows him. “you’re really confusing me loren. You wanna talk but don’t. You don’t want me to walk out, I don’t want you to walk out but here you are ready to skip town. So which is it? I thought you were needing a break to talk about this later. So I opted to stay on the god damn couch but that was a wrong move too. What the fuck do you want? Talk”

Loren. He sat on the top step and just cried

Jace “I love you loren. I’m trying here. But I don’t know what you want me to fucking do”

Loren. “I wanted you to back me. No matter what. I wanted you to love me,  no matter what. I just wanted to know I could come to you with anything and you wouldn’t leave or tell me I was invalid in my feelings. Now everything is ruined, and it’s all because I didn’t want to be treated like shit by my so called best friend” [3:32 AM] “I’ve done shit for her that was so out of line, I’ve done everything for her. I didn’t deserve any of this”

Jace he sighed and sat down beside him, keeping his hands to himself. “Loren, you’re right. You don’t deserve anything that happened but you have 2 people trying to apologize. I don’t know how many times I have to say this: I was trying to get you to see it from her perspective. That is it. I’m not saying what you said was wrong. Im not saying what she did was right either, baby. You have to listen to me.” He sighed, wiping his own tears. “It’s...a boy. And this is a friendship. Khai is a shitty person, okay? But she loves him. And truth hurts. People lash out on that shit. All i was trying to do was for you to see why she did. I did have your back by trying to help mend it but I see that’s where I came off wrong. And I’m sorry.” He sighed, choking up. “And I’m sorry for what I said too. That was low of me and i know you will never forgive me for that.” She sighed, trying to catch his breath. “Truth is I do love you. I do have your back. You can come to me with anything but much like you told emily, I’m not one to sugar coat shit. I’ve been in my own depression since finding out about bea but you’re the reason I stay afloat. And no. Not everything is ruined. You still have me and you still have emily. But if you don’t want us, that’s your decision. We can’t force you to do anything. No matter how bad I may not want you to leave, the choice is yours.”

Loren. “I did see her side, Jace. That’s the whole point. I tried to talk to her and explain myself and she tore into me like I haven’t been there for her the whole fucking time. I can’t do this shit with her anymore. I can’t, and I can’t let it come between us. Yeah, you hurt me with what you said. I don’t even know what to do with that. But I’m so in love with you, I need you. I know you’ve been stressed and I think I just need to focus on us and not them. I need to. Because I need you, and I’m so in love with you. I’d fucking marry you if you’d let me. But you need to know, when I say I’m leaving. I just need to cool off. I’d never walk out on you. Never”

Jace he took a deep breath and moved to hold loren, cupping his face. “I know what it’s like to try and focus on others relationships. But she has to fix this on her own. You can only do so much. But y’all need to support each other. NOT that you WERENT before. Because you were. But you know what I mean.” He presses his forehead to his. “But i love you so much and yes, we’ll get married. I don’t want to lose you. I want us to work on ourselves together. But please be open with me baby. I can’t help you if you’re not”

Loren. “I’m trying” he said grabbing his wrists. “I’m so used to being told to keep quiet and to stay in my own lane. But I’m really trying. I told you about the heroin, and Dominic, and I have been doing good. But, I’ve just been stressed with Emily. Because I love her and I hate seeing her hurt” [3:55 AM] “Please don’t leave me. I love you so much and don’t you ever threaten me like that again. I literally crumbled”

Jace “of course you do baby. Shes your best friend.” He pressed his forehead to his. “I am so sorry. I really am. I just was scared to lose you. I didn’t want you to leave. Too many already have walked out of my life.”

Loren. “I didn’t even think that’s how you might have felt. I just thought you knew I needed to cool off and that’s my bad. I apologize for that. I do” he pressed his head back against his and sighed. “I’m never gonna leave you okay? I just build up and I go off. So I just need to calm down. Please know I’d never leave you”

Jace “I believe you. I’m sorry.” He told him, moving to hug him and breaking down in his arms. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He repeated over and over in light whispers

Loren. He wrapped his arms around him and cried with him. Kissing the side of his head. “I’m so sorry too. I really am. I love you”

Jace he sobbed into his neck before pulling out and pressing his lips to him. “Can we go back inside our home?” He asked, breaking away from the kiss.

Loren. He kissed him back with all the love he still had for him and nodded as he pulled away. “Yeah baby. Let’s go to bed.” He brushed his cheek wiping his tears and smiled softly. “I love when you call it that”

Jace “well it is. It’s our home. I want it to stay that way.” He smiled, kissing him again as he wiped his own boyfriend’s tears. “Let’s go” he took his hand, holding tightly

Loren. “Yes it is” he nodded. He kissed him back and took his hand before getting up and leading him inside. “I’m not going anywhere, ever. I promise”

Jace “I’m not either. A trip to Hawaii? Without the love of my life to support me? I’d be out my damn mind.”

Loren. “Yeah, you would. But if it’s something you really feel you need to do alone. I’d respect that”

Jace “I can’t do that alone. I don’t have the balls to do it alone*”

Loren. “Okay, then I’m there. I’m by yours side always. I love you” he led him into the bedroom and pulled the covers back on the bed. “You sleep on my side okay?”

Jace “w-where will you sleep?” He asked lying down hesitantly.

Loren. “In your spot” he said. Crawling on top of him and laying his head onto his shoulder”

Jace “the switch up only for you to cuddle me.” He smiled, tilting his head up to kiss him. “I love you.”

Loren. “Yeah”’he chucked. Kissing him back before rolling off of him. Half his body still on him though. “I love you too. With every ounce of my existence”

[cnc-hoebayb]

Phone sex w/ cnco

Okay y’all, i feel like maybe i heard someone talk bout this concept once, or idk if someone already has done it buttttt...

Here’s my pitch bc i can fux wit this idea

Erick

-Not that great at it tbh

-His way is more like sending nudes if we’re being honest

-Totally amateur, but i mean that just makes it more intimate and personal

-Is actually really good at the build up tho

-Isn’t just “send noodz”, maybe he’ll start with just a shirtless pic of him in bed with a “😏”

-And the pics get more and more risky between the both of you

-Literally you’re just reading his words off blurry Snapchat pics and they’re still the sweetest throughout it all

-“Que Bonita te ves..” (lol get it) or “No puedo esperar verte mañana,”

-Will also break in the middle of the steamiest parts to send you a pic of his eyes and forehead n be like “what movie is on behind u?”

-Rarely sends videos bc he thinks it’s a lil embarrassing

-But when he does it’s bc you like to hear his voice when he’s all worked up

-So he’ll send it right when he knows you can’t hold on any longer

-Can probably just go back to a regular snap conversation after like no problem

Zabdiel

-Will definitely call you after a rough day and just wanna vent about it

-And he’s so stressed and you haven’t seen him in like a month n you’re so desperate for him

-So you’ll be like “is anyone there??” And after hes like “no why” you start to tell him how you feel, what you’re wearing..

-Would totally swing right into it like “tell me what you’d want me to do to you”

-And this whole time you were supposed to be the one pulling all the sexy comments but he’s the one that takes over and just makes your head spin

-He’d tell you what to do to yourself, to imagine it was him instead of your fingers doing the job

-Loves when you say his name, even over little cracks through your poor phone service

-Would give little grunts of approval on his side to let you know to keep talking or that he likes it

-After it’s all said in done, he just lulls you with sweet nothings until one of you falls asleep

-“te extraño, te amo”

Joel

-Never initiates first like nuh uh hunnyy

-Like, not that he doesn’t want to, he’s just too nervous that you’ll be in the wrong place and time or even worSe what if you answer and he says something na$ty but the whole time u were on speaker in public :o

-But he’ll for sure tease it over text or somethin for awhile

-Send snaps of him in the mirror, wrapped only in a towel like “shower time 💦”

-Or he’ll say stuff about how he was working out earlier bc he knows you love to think of him all sweaty and pumping with that post- workout energy

-So you just feel obligated to call him and chew him out for being a tease like “ur such a teenager sometimes”

-And hes like “oh ya??...”

-And you’re like “.....yea...are we doing this or not?”

-It all turns into sexy picture war over snap

-He’s a respectful boy and won’t send pics of the d until u really ready

-The whole time you’re like talking on the phone while also taking these steamy pics so eventually you’re just like “let’s stop, i just want you to talk to me,”

-And he’ll pull all the nastiest and fuckboyish things out of his mind

-“I know you want it- tell me how bad you do”

-And you just kinda whine to agree, but nooo he wants you to reallyyy tell him

-Makes you sweetly moan his name time and time again and “Joel, Dios mío- i want you so bad,” the whole entire call

-Tries not to make it obvious when he’s about to lose it, so you start to sweet talk him when you hear his little gasps from the other side of the phone

-It’s a spiritual experience

Richard

-oh my god this boy

-Not afraid for it anytime, anywhere, no matter if he’s even in a different country or not, this man will call you if you just went to the store without him

-Likes to call you knowing you’re in public, or with friends/family tho

-Starts the convo like “baby, i miss you..” in that low gravely voice he knows hits you different

-He’ll go straight into the dirty stuff immediately after, telling you how if he were there with you, he’d take you to the nearest bathroom/the car and play out the hottest scenarios you’ve ever heard

-You just start blushing hardcore bc he gets to you so much

-So wherever you are, you just gotta excuse yourself and regain composure for a minute

-okAy and like imagine this real quick 4 me

-Hes FaceTiming/video chat one night,.. but maybe you’re wearing a baggy cut off shirt and it kinda slides off a little too far and he’s like “whoa mamí, don’t have to get naked for me yet” as a joke

-And you play around for a bit pretending like you’re gonna flash him or your shirt is gonna slide off again, and you’re both cracking up and making dumb jokes about it thEN

-He gets all serious and is like “bet you won’t take it off right now” so you’re like bET and pull it off like nothin bc you can’t back down from a good challenge

-And hes like “now take off ___” - so you do that too

-Until you’re in nothing but underwear and he’s just smirking sooo big

-Tells you how to touch yourself, watching as close to his screen he can as you go to town

-Isn’t even afraid to whip it out over video chat like y’all are just so open and comfortable with each other it’s not even a taboo

Chris

-im not saying that he’s a master at all of the above but....

-I am actually

-His fav thing to do tho is like tease it through bursts of texts during the day

-Will start as soon as you get to work

-“You look amazing today...” and then maybe an hour later like “no puedo dejar de pensar en tu cuerpo”

-Basically he be on some scum shit for awhile, building up texts and getting riskier....

-“And when you think you can’t handle my tongue any longer I-“ you see the notification and twitch as he continues to type.....then he stops.

-Ghosts you for a hot minute, no continuation

-And wtf like he can’t do that, so you bombard text him after a couple hours

-Only responds with “Call me when you get home”

-Sends a singular picture of him in a looowww hanging towel while he’s getting in the shower

-When you get home you call him riGhT away like no hesitation

-He does that “mmmmhmm” in that low ass growl and you’re 😩💦

-Makes you work for it tho

-Wants you to get ready for him, put on your sexiest lingerie, or just what makes you feel beautiful

-As soon as you do that, he’ll tell you exactly how to take it off, where to touch along the way, tell him how it feels and imagine him with you the whole time

-LASTs the WHOLE NIGHT LIKEE

-You can last rounds with him in person, but you never knew the capacity he had to wear you out without even being there

-makes you bEG

-“Say it- wanna hear u say how much you need me, amor”

-and like can y’all just imagine his voice the whole time, it’s just so clear n crisp through your phone speakers, and you just hear him holdin back noises, maybe letting a couple guttural moans slip and it’s so bone chilling that it alone can just send you into a full spiral...

-Talks you through multiple orgasms all in different ways (dirty, soft, sweet n lovey)

-Alright maybe i should stop

[birdy-babe]

Burned Out Chapter 3

Summary: Roman makes some changes...Patton’s emotions finally explode

Warnings: UHHH nothing rly, crying? angst?

Pairings: Platonic Royality (Or romantic if you want it), Platonic LAMP! Maybe eventual Logince or something idk

Word count: 2116 (Sorry its short!)

Note: Lmao I wanna say that im 100% not gonna make Logan and Virgil seem evil and I apologize if I have. Logan I find is very...self centered in a way that he isnt aware of other peoples feelings and he thinks he is always correct. Virgil however...he more, doesn’t know how to deal with it? And he doesn’t understand the capacity of his words/actions bc he thinks Roman can handle it. They aren’t terrible- they will start to be nicer :)

ALso thank you for all the positive feedback!! It makes me suppper happy!!

anyway, here you go!

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

Chapter 3

Roman fell onto his couch as he resided back to his room.

He let out a sigh and stared at his ceiling, watching the bubbles float by. He reached up and played with them as he thought to himself.

"Why don't you trust me more?" He asked himself in an empty, quiet room, "All I do is fight for you..fight for your hopes and dreams. Create all you're imagination. I want to create happiness for you, not destroy everything you’ve ever wanted" he tells the silence in his room. Roman let out a loud sigh as he sat up.

"Maybe I should just duck out... It seems all I am doing is hurting you" he tells himself and glanced around his room. "I'm nothing but childish imagination, and you're an adult now. You have no time for silly things like me" he stood up in frustration. He looked around the room. It was covered in Disney posters, colorful paintings, and family photos of the sides. Roman looked down at his transparent hands.

He sucked in a breath- he knew exactly what this meant. The creative side raised his hand so it was in front of his face. Roman could faintly see through his hand. The bubbles floated by and provided a glow that just drifted through what used to be solid.

He focused on what was behind his hand, spotting a photo across the room. He let his hand slowly fall as he stared at it. Roman let out a breath, taking one foot after the other until he stood in front of the photo.

The photo showed Roman surrounded by all the people he loved. His right arm was slung around Virgil's shoulders as Virgil let a small smile appear on his face. His left arm was wrapped around Patton; the moral side hugged Roman around the neck while laughing. Logan stood next to Patton, a hand on Patton's back as he subtly smiled at the camera. Deceit stood too the side, beside Virgil with a small grin and a wave- he didn't like to be touched often. Remy was even in this one- he peaked above Roman and Patton giving a peace-sign to the camera. Thomas was the one who took the photo, so he was absent but he was there in thought.

Roman felt a knot in his throat and a rock in his stomach. He came to a realization. He ran his hand over the photo nostalgically.

"Maybe I don't need to leave...maybe if I just change I wont disappear" he whispered to himself, his voice low and cracking, "I don't want to leave them.." He tells himself and glanced around the room.

He was suddenly set on a different mission. He needed to reinvent himself or else he would disappear. He didn't need to sit, wallowed up in his room until he poofed into nothingness. He didn't want to leave the people he loved the most- and if he changed so they accepted him, maybe he wouldn't have too.

He started with the posters. Roman moved around the room and took down all his Disney posters. He pulled down Mulan, Aladdin, Lion King, Beauty and The Beast, The Little Mermaid, Pinocchio, all of them. He folded them nicely and set them in a pile.

He tapped his chin as he thought about what else he needed to get rid of. He pulled down all his meaningless paintings- which was most of them. He left up a few that were simple and fit the room well. He piled the paintings up next to the posters.

Roman bit his lip and thought for a moment, closing his eyes and raising his hand. He breathed heavily as he concentrated- using his mind to change the structure of his room. His brain started to go on overdrive.

Roman suddenly gasped, opening his eyes as he felt himself fall over out of mental exhaustion. He scrambled to catch himself, grabbing onto the arm of a chair to stop himself from completely falling on his face.

He breathed heavily, his limbs felt weak and his eyes felt tired. He shook his head to try to wake himself up a bit more. He knew he needed to stop doing that so much; he knew it was bad for him. Yet he was satisfied with the result.

The walls were no longer red and gold and instead was a nice coffee color. The floor was no longer covered in paint and other stains. It was a soft, comfortable white carpet. He looked at the furniture. Instead of having it all red and royalty-like, the couches and chairs were a simple black and the tables were sleek white with glass on stop. It still looked nice and expensive- yet just more simple. More calming.

The place where his unfinished paintings were stacked next to his easel and paints was now replaced with a desk with papers instead of canvases and pencils instead of brushes. A laptop sat on the desk.

Roman smiled at it. It was so incredibly simple and not creative at all but Roman knew it would be a good change. Sure it made him uncomfortable, it was no where near his style, and he hated it but...if it kept him from disappearing he would do anything.

Roman decided he wanted to show the other sides, despite how tired he was. He was suddenly so excited about them seeings it- seeing how much he has matured. He let out a small squeal, "They are going to love it!" He clapped his hands.

Roman was about to sink out when he glanced into the mirror. He immediately stopped and looked down at his outfit. He couldn’t wear this silly thing anymore. He needed something less...extra.

Roman thought for a moment before letting out a small gasp. He excitedly spun in a circle. Suddenly his prince outfit disappeared and in its spot was a white button up with his logo on the shoulders. His pants were now all red and his shirt was tucked into them. To top it off, a pair of golden suspenders went around his shoulders.

He grinned at himself, "Now I'm ready!"

He sunk out

"Greetings, friendos!" Roman greeted as he appeared in the shared mindpalace.

Logan looked up from the book he had his nose in, Virgil continued to nod his head as he listened to music on the couch, and Patton was too engrossed in Steven Universe.

Logan cringed a little bit, “Please not so loud, I do have a headache from today and I’m trying to focus my attention to my book” He requested.

Roman took a moment to wonder how Logan- an imaginary figment inside someones head- had a headache. He decided not to think about it too much to refrain from also- giving himself a headache.

“Sorry to interrupt, Siri. I just wish to show you all something I have fabulously done!” He tells the group just as proudly but with less volume this time.

Logan’s nose was already back in his book, so he just let out a hum. Virgil glanced at him but didn’t respond as his headphones covered his ears.

Roman’s prideful attitude plummeted, “Hello? Greetings? Yes I am talking to all of you commoners!” He called out playfully, stepping into the living room. He waved to Virgil who just glared and visibly showed Roman that he had turned up his music. Roman crossed his arms and glared back.

He turned to Logan with a huff, waving his hand in front of his face, “Hello? Alexa? I am speaking to you!” He calls out.

Logan slowly looked up at him and calmly set his book down on his lap, “Roman as excited as you are, I simply do not have the emotions to...give attention to whatever project you have completed now. It is later in the evening and I wish to continue to relax by reading. Perhaps you can show Patton” Logan explained and suggested. Roman frowned.

“But I want to show all of youuu!” He whined.

Logan was getting visibly irritated, “As I explained before, Roman” Logan said his name harshly, “I lack the interest you do in giving attention to you’re newest creation. Maybe later”

Roman grabbed Logan’s hand and started to attempt to pull him off the couch, “Pleaaassee Logan-!”

“Roman I do not have the time-” He raised his voice.

“But Logan I-”

“Roman! Enough!” Logan yelled and ripped his hand away. Roman let his hands drop as he went silent.

Roman felt his heart plummet as he stared at Logan. He felt anger boil in his chest.

“Whatever. Continue being an emotionless freak then” Roman spat the words at him. He saw the hurt flash across Logan’s eyes.

Roman knew his words hurt. He remembered the nights he stayed up to comfort Logan. He knew how insecure Logan was about his lack of emotions and his selfishness. He knew it all yet he spit the words anyway- just to hurt him.

Roman turned around before Logan could see the guilt in his expression.

Roman shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking out of the living room in a hurt, dreadful rage back to his room. He stopped in his tracks when he suddenly heard a voice that broke silence.

“I’ll come see it” Patton’s soft voice rang through the room.

Roman turned around slowly. Sometime in the midst of fighting with Logan, Virgil had turned down his music and taken off his headphones and Patton paused his show. Virgil was now looking back and forth from Logan to Roman with an unreadable expression. Patton stared up from where he was on the ground with a soft, sad expression.

Roman let out a sigh, “No Patton it’s fine, it is nothing impressive or-”

Patton stood up, interrupting Roman, “I don't care! I wanna see it...everything you make is impressive! No one tells you that enough!” Patton told him, a pained expression on his face.

Roman froze, confusion written all over his face. He was usually so good at reading emotions and how people felt but now he couldn’t. He didn’t know why Patton was starting to yell compliments at him while he wore a pained expression. He didn’t know why Patton was saying anything positive to him in the first place. Roman knew he had done nothing right lately.

“Patton you don’t have to say that, its hardly true and-”

Patton voice cracked, “Roman stop!” he yelled.

The room went silent.

All you could hear was the soft breaths coming from Patton as he stared at the creative side. Roman stood, shocked and confused, staring back at him. Virgil and Logan watched in confusion and surprise from their spots.

“It is true! Roman you are so valued! You make Thomas so incredibly happy. You allow him to see a brighter future and to find fun in life. You create wonderful things and everything you make is impressive and gorgeous! You are so important to Thomas and you are so important to us! We can’t be without you, Roman!” Patton’s voice was slowly becoming strained as it became obvious that he was holding back tears.

“We don’t tell you that enough..or at all! You deserve to hear how much we appreciate you because we do! And you always show us how much you value us and how much you care about us and we never return the favor!” Patton had tears in his eyes by now.

All the sides watched in awe- Patton had only gotten like this a few times before. He only did when he was feeling overwhelmed by different emotions or when he felt ignored.

Roman felt a knot in his throat as he felt like he was also going to cry hearing these things. He finally spoke up.

“Patton why-” He started to speak but Patton wasn't done.

“Because your mug is gone! I noticed that your mug is gone...and your paintings! The paintings you made and we hung in the living room have disappeared!” Patton gestured to the walls.

The three other sides looked around them and found it to be true- the paintings Roman had hung had now disappeared, leaving the walls blank and empty.

“Plus!” Patton continued, holding his tears down, “You weren’t at breakfast! Or lunch! Or dinner! You didn’t show up today when Thomas called you...you-” Patton’s tears finally over flowed.

Roman ran forward so he was in front of Patton, looking around him- trying to figure out how to comfort the boy. Roman felt terrible, he made Patton sad like this. He didn’t mean too, he just figured the other sides didn’t want him around. Roman placed a hand Patton's shoulder and looked at him. Patton hung his head.

“Patton that's hardly any reason to assume that-”

“You’re disappearing Roman…” Patton told him as he grabbed Roman’s hand and looked down at it, “Roman you’re transparent...you’re disappearing”

Note: ur welcome

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[sunsetsover]

I'm having a really bad time right now, I'm all alone and can't talk to anyone in real life. But you seem kind. Do you have any advice or wisdom?

angel 🥺️🥺️ i’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now and you’ve got no one to talk to, but i’m glad you felt as though you could come to me 💖💖

when i’m having a bad time i always do my best to distract myself from whatever’s going on. it’s not always easy and perhaps it’s not the healthiest of coping mechanisms but i basically detach from reality as much as possible. this can be watching a film/tv show/yt vids or listening to music or reading a book or playing a game (obviously nothing sad, and this depends on your energy levels! don’t force yourself to do smth if you don’t want too lmao) like atm my thing is basically curling up into a ball in my bed and watching true crime documentaries while playing really shitty mobile games (bc it’s just a personal thing but when i’m having a bad time mentally i like to be like… almost on the verge of overstimulation?? like my eyes and ears and distracted by what i’m watching but my mind can’t wonder bc i also have to sort of concentrate on the game i’m playing, which is also distracting my hands. this is literally just a personal thing and might not work for you but i thought i would offer an explanation anyway lmao). like basically just keeping my brain busy/distracted is basically how i try to deal with bad moods n stuff.

i also never underestimate the power of allowing yourself to just feel how you feel, u know? like i experience things differently bc i have a personality disorder and dealing with emotions is just Different for me compared to most people, but sometimes just crying when you need to cry works wonders, you know? or having a day (or even just 5 minutes) where you’re like ‘ok today i’m gonna allow myself to be sad/angry/upset but tomorrow i’m not allowed to wallow anymore’. but i also wanna say that this is sometimes the opposite of helpful and sometimes a difficult thing to navigate like it took me a while to know when i needed to let my emotions be felt and when i had to be like ‘no lauren dwelling on this isn’t gonna help you’ and even then it’s still hard so be careful!! you know yourself best and if you think indulging in your emotions is going to hurt rather than help, then just don’t do it !! try to distract yourself instead!! (that said i do still maintain that sometimes just sobbing your heart out can make you feel way better emotionally, but again that might just be me)

it’s all about trying stuff and figuring out what is going to make you feel better. sometimes the cliche ‘self care’ stuff like having a hot bath and changing the bed sheets puts me in a way better frame of mind, other times i literally do not have the mental capacity to do that. i do always love having the window open to let some fresh air in, even when it’s cold out. you could try writing how you feel down? that’s not something i do, but i know some people do find that helpful. try to get some sleep (i really struggle with my sleeping, esp when i feel like shit, but i find having something mindless on in the background (my personal faves are the late night teleshopping programmes and food network lmao) can help me fall asleep bc i turn the volume down low and it’s like bc i’m listening to that i’m not listening to my own thoughts. OR - and i know this sounds bizarre - but guided meditations. i don’t use them often but 9/10 times they really do help me fall asleep. the only ones i use are by the honest guys on youtube!). maybe going out and getting out of your own head?? even if you just walk around like a shopping centre or smth?? or in a park?? 

basically my default (healthy-ish) coping mechanism is to do brainless stuff so i don’t have to Think. i don’t wanna think abt why im upset i don’t wanna think abt what caused it i don’t wanna think abt making myself feel better i just wanna turn my brain off and i do that by basically keeping all of my senses as distracted as possible. but if there’s anything you think might help you in any way, then just try it. (providing it’s not dangerous or damaging of course) if it doesn’t help, then it doesn’t help. sometimes certain things will help sometimes and not others. brains and emotions are weird and trying to deal with them is like trying to herd cats sometimes but !!! you’ll figure it out. i have faith in u :-)

and if there is a specific situation or circumstance that is upsetting you, then just try your best not to internalize any of whatever’s going on. like i know that’s vague and i’m sorry i can’t be more specific but just remember that external circumstances are very rarely in your control and so try not to internalize any sadness or anger you might be feeling towards things or people that aren’t in your control. and if u wanna come and talk abt it or want more specific advice then my ask and my dms are always open!!!

also lastly just be kind to yourself… like i know being sad can be frustrating and sometimes ur internal monologue can be so cruel but you have to try your hardest (and i mean hardest bc it’s not easy at ALL) to be kind and understanding of yourself. don’t get angry or resentful of yourself for however you’re feeling. try, at the very least, to be indifferent abt it. like ‘ok i’m going through a bad time. ok i’m struggling rn. ok. it is what it is. very often you can’t change that. so let me try to deal with it as best as i can. let me be patient with myself. let me give myself time. and then i will get up, even if i don’t want to, and i will keep going forward, even if it’s on my hands and knees.’ that’s the attitude i’ve found most helpful. all these daily affirmations and positive attitudes are nice in theory and i’m sure they help some people (they might even help you!) but for me they’re useless. like i try my hardest to be kind and patient w myself, but sometimes i settle for just apathy. and sometimes i need to be firm instead, u know? and if smth doesn’t work in helping me feel less shitty, i just try something else (although i’ll be honest! all of this sounds so nice on paper but it’s not that easy in real life! none of what i’m saying is easy! it’s difficult and it’s taken me YEARS to figure out what helps me when my mental health is playing up so it might take you a little while too!)

i hope things are a little bit easier for you from now on, anon. i hope your bad time passes as quickly as it possibly can, and even if it doesn’t i hope that you can find some ways to help yourself cope/cheer yourself up so you start to feel better soon. and i’m always here if you wanna talk about stuff!! anything!!! use me as ur distraction if you want!!!! 

but ily remember to go easy on yourself and stay safe and i’m sure you’ll get through this rough patch i have faith in you 💖💖💖

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.

[cuseum]

Success as a Service: exploring the collaboration between Estimote and Cuseum

We recently sat down with our friends over at Estimote for a chat about mobile engagement at museums. Read on for rest of the interview!

Certain companies have ran with the technology to build a solution for an entirely unique vertical. One of these companies in particular is Cuseum: a Boston based start-up that’s completely evangelized museums and tech, delivering everything a museum needs to usher their institution into the digital age, with supporting apps and contextual content. I sat down with Brendan Ciecko, Founder and CEO of Cuseum, to learn more about their platform, how they scale, what their challenges are, and when they know their work is complete.

JA: You’re an early supporter of Estimote, I know that we’re frequent partners and have collaborated in multiple scenarios! I suppose it’d be great to hear, in your own words, about Cuseum’s mission. What services are you providing for customers?

BC: Cuseum’s mission is to help museums, public attractions, and cultural nonprofits drive visitor and member engagement and success using mobile. We provide a suite of tools geared towards enhancing on-site experience, focusing on what we call the “digital docent” or companion guide. Our goal is to make it possible for museums to produce powerful mobile apps quickly, easily, and without breaking the bank. Over 100 organizations around the globe have used our platform to launch mobile apps, many of which use beacons from Estimote!

We provide our museum partners with a full solution – not just content management software, native mobile apps, or mobile web apps. We bring guidance, advice, and years of expertise to every organization we work with to ensure their new digital tools launch successfully and continue to thrive.

And, hot off the presses, we recently launched a new product to help organizations save time and money while boosting convenience for members – by replacing physical, plastic cards with digital membership cards. Beacons play a role in this as well!

JA: Cool! Can you share the role beacons play here?

BC: Absolutely! Museums offer incredible benefits to their members, yet many of these valuable perks are often underutilized or unused. Imagine, as you walk by the museum’s cafe, store, or lecture hall, you’re reminded of your membership benefits and discounts. There’s untapped value and convenience for the member as well as a clear, turn-key, financial benefits for the museum. All of this is possible with our digital membership cards – no app download required!

JA: How much customization needs to be done for specific museums?

BC: The apps are completely white-labeled and styled to reflect each museum’s unique brand. We handle all of that heavy-lifting. Through the content management system, the museum also has the ability to configure most major aspects of the app. The overall interface is intended to be simple and “chromeless,” but we’re always happy to discuss additional customization if needed!

JA: What’s your beacon density like: how many beacons do you find needing for each museum? What’s the most amount of beacons you’ve ever installed in one museum, and can you tell us which museum it was?

BC: This varies greatly across the board! On one end, we have some museum partners who have as few as 1 beacon for a basic “welcome” and “thank you for visiting” notification. Generally, we recommend at-least 3 beacons to give each institution the opportunity to experiment in a low-risk, real-world environment. It’s always beneficial, and a great learning opportunity, to see things in action! We encourage an agile approach and have written up some suggestions on the topic.

On the other side of the spectrum, we’re working with a museum that will install 150 beacons! We’ll be sure to let you know when they launch, and will have much to share about that experience.

JA: Who are some of your clients? We’d love to be able to point our developers and users in that direction to test out the tech!

BC: Every month, we’re pleased to work with several new institutions, so the list keeps growing! Here’s a quick list of 5:

- Museum of Fine Arts Houston - North Carolina Museum of Art - MCA Denver - Asian Art Museum - Musée McCord

You can also find a list of a few more apps on our website!

JA: I love that what you’re offering isn’t just an app, it isn’t just a platform, it’s the whole solution from end to end. It’s quite unique! You approach a museum and say, “Hey, we have the tools, knowledge, even the hardware access to bring your institution into the year 2017. Want some help? We’ll make it happen for you.”

BC: Thanks! We’re here to help museums in any way we can.

JA: What kind of tools do you use to make all this magic happen? Do you utilize Estimote SDK, Cloud, fleet management, Indoor Location? Do you use other sources? Are you building your own?

BC: We’ve built our platform from the ground up and use an array of tools to ensure the highest quality, performance, and efficiency.

For aspects related to monitoring and performance, we use Fabric, Sentry, LogEntries, New Relic. For analytics, we use Mixpanel and Google Analytics. For testing, Rspec and Quick/Nimble. For design, we use Sketch and for prototyping, UXPin… the list goes on!

In the name of reliability and performance, we don’t use third-rate hybrid platforms. Cuseum-powered native iOS apps, are completely native.

Although our platform is beacon agnostic, we find ourselves frequently using Estimote beacons. In those cases, we leverage Estimote’s SDK and Cloud. Outside of that, we’ve developed a few methods (such as smoothing algorithms) to improve the accuracy of beacon-triggered notifications.

JA: What’s the biggest challenge to make your projects beacon enabled, and come to fruition?

BC: When you’re adding an extra layer to digital projects which involves additional attention to user experience as well as supporting and managing expectations related to hardware - it adds more complexity and time to the launch schedule. For some of our museum partners, we recommend that they first soft launch their mobile app without beacons, and then iterate forward to add them to the equation. You need to “crawl before you walk, walk before you run” as they say! Whether it’s with 1 beacon or 100, we provide resources and guidance for our museum partners to help them utilize beacons with as little friction as possible.

JA: Wise move! “Start by digging into the app, versus the physical location and Bluetooth pinging. Let that fall into place afterward.” Sounds about right, UX/UI informs the entire guest experience. I’m sure there’s a useful feedback loop there as well: when you start with the soft launch sans beacons, you can truly fine tune the details and collect data on the most exciting locations within the museum.

Do you ever find yourself in the position where you need to iterate on the beacon placement? Or, do you find that your clients will rearrange exhibits or plan the next exhibit differently around the “hotspot” information obtained through your analytics?

BC: There are some instances when the beacons are moved (during a specific exhibition), but this rarely happens. And, although the idea of arranging exhibitions according to the data gathered sounds really compelling on paper, most museums and their curatorial and exhibition staff don’t operate in the same capacity as retail experience consultants where the goal is to optimize a space for increased revenue. But, the way museums imagine and enhance their spaces based on new spatial analytics is an idea that is starting to trickle in.

JA: I’m curious, what analytics do you collect? What sort of data are you looking to uncover, and how does it influence your decisions moving forward?

BC: The short answer: every single button, screen, and “action” in our apps is wired up for analytics. Different museum departments have different goals around using the data that is available to them. For education and interpretation, the focus is on which pieces of content are the visitors engaging in and for how long. For marketing and digital, on the other hand, it’s more geared towards overall downloads and impressions.

Leveraging data is certainly an important topic right now, and as Peter Drucker famously once said, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t improve it.” American Alliance of Museums is starting to evangelize the value of gathering and understanding data and we’re big fans of this initiative.

On our end, we’re constantly watching user behavior, while also optimizing and simplifying the product as much as possible. If a feature or screen isn’t being engaged with as much as we or a given partner predicted, there is a good conversation to be had about removing that feature.

We’re firm believers that a visitor who has the best possible experience is more likely to become a member, like, or share over social media or even make a purchase or donation. We’ve kept a close eye on this concept and the relationship between user patterns and conversion rates. A new opportunity exists for museums to have educational tools that have a financial return on investment and we want to help our partners take advantage of this! This is a metric that is super important in this day and age; it helps the museum and also ensures long-term sustainability of the digital tool itself.

JA: Tell me about your ideal client. What sort of museums do you go for?

BC: We work with a wide array of museums, of every shape and size. It makes no difference if the museum welcomes over a million visitors per year, or is a small university gallery - we love them all, and have tools to help! All of the museums we work with put a high emphasis on visitor experience and education. They are looking for time and cost effective ways to have a high quality, high impact on their visitors and members – and that’s where we come in.

JA: Tell me what your process looks like when setting up a museum from beginning to “end”. Does it ever end?

BC: To ensure success for each museum launching a mobile guide, we have a time-tested launch strategy. Every engagement starts with a “Kick-Off” meeting to bring together all departments and staff who will be hand’s-on in driving this initiative to the finish line. We want to make sure every stakeholder is heard and that we fully understand and document the top 3-5 internal goals to make sure everyone’s eye is on the ball. We set various milestones, schedule training time, check-in sessions, and assign every museum a Cuseum concierge! We’re here for every museum we work with, every step of the way.

This process doesn’t end after the app has launched, though - we’re always checking to see how things are going, sharing best practices, and new features. We see this all as a partnership, not as just a “vendor” or a “software” provider – at Cuseum, we’re “Success-as-a-Service” for visitor and member engagement.

JA: And what’s next for Cuseum? You seem to have a great model in place and a lot on your plate. What are your goals for the next year, and what are you most looking forward to?

BC: We’re thrilled about our growth and the direction that things are going! We have many new launches, partnerships, and features in the works. With our core mobile engagement product, and our new digital membership card solution, it’s going to be an exciting year!

Be sure to keep an eye on Cuseum for future developments. And of course, follow Estimote’s blog for special spotlights on apps, features, and use cases utilizing our software and hardware solutions!

Interview by Jess Anderson, Content Creator + Community Manager @ Estimote