#bc you never know when they Won’t be
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i finished reading blame!. images and words and what they mean
#i really enjoyed it despite a sense that i didn’t fully understand what was happening#i admit i struggled to get whether the implication is Killy blows up the orb at the end and why#but I think to some level it was meant to be confusing#i was rly impressed by the ability of the story to make me worry abt these people who are nigh indestructible and can come back from#essentially mortal wounds and enter new bodies and stuff. like I was like#constantly worrying abt Cibo and whether she would be ok and every hit HIT despite them usually being fine#bc you never know when they Won’t be#it’s so interesting how no one mourns each other in it#they react with wide eyed horror but never really shout out or cry#though maybe lady mensab and her knight. which. OUGH#anyway. Yeah……The Megastructure….#rotating blame domorei au in my mind#blame!#blame manga#communication
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my fellow anxiety havers what is one of your mundane day-to-day tasks that should by no means be anything remarkable but feels like you are being hunted for sport. i’ll go first: putting all of your groceries on the conveyor belt during checkout is like a long series of quick time events to me
#marzi speaks#it’s bc like. you have a cart Full of groceries#there is a cashier looking to scan the groceries#there is (often) a bagger looking to bag the groceries and put them back in your cart#goal: get as many groceries onto that belt as fast as possible#REMEMBER: heaviest items go first so that nothing gets crushed when the bagger puts the groceries back in your cart#it is so stressful. move so fast ‘which of these items is gonna be heavier’ getting to the end and realizing you missed like 3 cans…#it’s even worse if there are ppl behind you. i live in texas so i can at least make socially acceptable conversation with the cashier#EXCEPT i’m already way overthinking the conveyor belt situation. i’m already frazzled#and now i gotta do small talk? oh god#on the bright side i am so fast at it it’s insane. i move faster than the cashier can keep up with#which is A Good Thing. bc that means i am at max efficiency#but like. WAAAUUGHH#and then u pay and hope the card reader isn’t gonna be a bitch#and you sit there for a moment while the cashier and bagger bag the rest of your groceries#and ur like ‘….should i help should i stay here’#tbh checkout is why i like never go grocery shopping alone if i know i won’t have self check out#bc what if there is no bagger. then i gotta balance Get Groceries On Belt. Pay For Groceries. AND Bag The Groceries#ouh god the time concerns. no . never. you can’t make me do that alone#someone handles the transaction while the other person bags it’s the only reasonable way to do it#i KNOW logically that it is not a big deal. but i hate the idea of making anyone wait for me
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Sophie Shepard & Kaidan Alenko (ME2) 1/?
MIRA'S MORE CANON ME2 "The wrong place at the right time..." AKA: The aftermath of Stealing Memory. Mass Effect 2: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#kaidan alenko#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 2#me2#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#morecanonmasseffect#otp: you're real enough for me#these are my favorite bisexuals on the citadel sir#if bioware won’t give me soph and kaidan content in me2? FUCK IT. i’ll do it myself :)#i’m not even kidding about more canon either :) there’s some cute little details i spent way too much time modding in lol#kaidan’s little moon earring he gets after soph dies#me now knowing how to add outfits to the closet so i can yoink the male hoodie mesh to kitbash the hoodie she steals from their apartment#literally right after she resurrects that she always wears around the normandy :)#special shout-out to tali and thane bc their romance scenes have some nice moments#i could rant about soph’s me2 canon for hours but the cerberus plotline is shit#so half of that gets tossed out and kaidan and ash end up back on the normandy when she stages a coup from cerberus :)#bioware canon sucks so i’m rewriting ME2 :) they get to smooch more :)#like this!!#kaidan shows up on kasumi’s loyalty mission to help out with the undercover aspect when he hears soph is in citadel space :)#so they take out hock together :) and i think that’s how they end up rekindling (even though they never really stopped) :)#one of these days i’ll get around to giving kaidan his full arm tattoo instead of just the shoulder one you can’t even see lmao#i am now very powerful since i remember how to mesh swap and i can control the closet :)#i fear i’m about to be obnoxious about gif’ing ME2 missions#i think kaidan ash soph and zaeed are about to be going places#SORRY FOR THE RANT :) enjoy your day 💙
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it is literally not about legality, if you’re in your late 30s literally what are you hitting up 21 y/os for. Don’t you have investments to make.
#Astonishing number of people will jump on the ‘but it’s technically legal!’ defence#But will not answer my question of whyyyyyy. If your date sounds like PTA night and you need to parent your girlfriend#you have an age gap! And! You are the lamest loser on earth; that is fact; hope this helps!!#(Okay. Lowkey? I shouldn’t be thinking about this STILL. Given it’s been like a MONTH since#But I feel a lil let down and betrayed and I think I’m still kinda processing that… but I#I confided in my bestestest friend that an older man was creeping on me. And I expected her to have my back 100%#And idk— I think she’s just had worse experiences with men and has a higher tolerance to bad behaviour than I an asexual person do#But her response was along the lines of ‘you’re an adult; there’s no problem with it really;#can’t blame him for shooting his shot; it’s not really a weird age gap’#And worst of all— ‘maybe he just has an age kink; maybe he gets off on you being younger’#I have to say. I don’t care. The point is that I discouraged it several times and was getting increasingly uncomfortable with it#I feel like in that situation the thing to do is side with me especially when I’m telling you all this.#And like. Sigh i don’t know. I still love her with all my heart but it’s feeling a lil awkward rn#I’m still thinking about that and obviously I don’t want it to ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had#But it’s feeling a little forced right now. I expected her to have my back and for some reason her brushing this aside did make me#Feel completely invalidated and like I should just stop feeling weirded out and man up and discourage this man in words—#When the thing is there was NEVER any hint of interest. I don’t feel like I should have to dignify his behaviour in terms of interest or#Attraction. Because! I just don’t think you should be that forward with strangers repeatedly!! and if I think that’s weird then I’m sorry i#It won’t work with me! I don’t like it! I think that’s grounds enough to stop oh my god.#I’ll be seeing my bestie in a couple of weeks. Flying all the way out to England for her. I don’t want this to be awkward…#but something in me is just a lil heartbroken. Like I feel the girlcode was broken. We’ve always told each other#Not to let men affect our self worth or alter our boundaries. I feel like that was violated.#(ik she said that bc her bf at the time was 30 but like. Listen to my individual situation no? This one wasn’t about you I came for advice)#Rant
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ughhhh why is gender so hard to figure out. my body is like boom gender dsyorphia but won’t tell me noone about my identity
(I accidentally made an entire vent in the tags lmao)
#my gender dysorphia has been bad the past few weeks. really fucking bad#when I try to learn about my identity I get mad that I’m nowhere near becoming it or mad that I don’t know what the fuck I want to be#but I want to be more neutral and I don’t know if I want to be masculine because I want to look genderless#or if the two aren’t together#I hate this. I pick a label and there’s always something wrong with it.#demiboy is too masculine and implies I look masculine p#agender isn’t masculine enough#I can’t be genderfluid when I only want to be masc and neutral#I can’t be bigender when I don’t want to be a transman#nothing ever fits. and whether I find what fits or not the dysorphia is just gonna get worse#and my mom will think I’m a butch lesbian for years#and once those years finally pass she isn’t gonna let us leave Florida#or by then the transphobia would’ve spread across the county#and then she still wouldn’t let me leave#because I’ll always be too young. I’ll never have enough documented dysorphia.#I’ll never get on t. I’ll never get a binder or surgery.#bevause i look too feminine to be tranmasc.#because I can’t get hormones.#because my mom won’t let me.#because I haven’t had this for enough years.#because I looked too feminine before and thought that feminine things were cute#because I liked girls.#I liked how the outfits looked but never really asked if I wanted to wear them.#and when I finally did it was too late.#the answer was no. but they didn’t believe me#bc for so many years I thought because and outfit was cute or astethic meant you wanted to wear it. but I didn’t want to be seen as a girl.#I want to be masculine. I wish I was born male. but it’s too late for me to realize that.#now nobody cares what I want to be. anyone that does is across the fucking world.#anyways I’m reaching tag limit so I’ll stop this#vent
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last night episode really got me thinking about elsa and rhaenys’ relationship, both when rhaela was alive and after she passed and rhaenys and corlys took her in (bc why wouldn’t they 🤡 … uncle daddy and auntie step mom). It’s such a tumultuous ride tho … rhaenys initially harboring ill will towards her because she’s technically corlys’ first born to being incredibly instrumental in raising her bc she KNEW her sister’s time with her was going to be short.
i ran out of tags to tag spoilers so: h*td spoilers dawgs for last nights hour of torture.
rhaenys, even if she didn’t show it as much, thought of Elsa as her own and Elsa, despite not showing it, always looked to her for the mother she was robbed of far too soon. The two argued like a parent and child might, the flew their dragons together, laughed and drank and mourned with one another.
But there was always a little sting, a little bit of resentment especially after Laena and Laenor passed, because while her only two children perished… Corlys’ child still lived and thrived and she always had to remind herself that Elsa wasn’t privy to her lineage. Only thought Corlys’ treated her as a daughter because that was expected of him as her aunt’s husband.
It’s not until everything is really laid out in the open that she’s able to let go of that little chip on her shoulder, to let it fall away so she can fully remember and realize the promise she had made to her sister on her death bed all those years ago; she has done far more for elsa than even SHE realized.
and then THIS happens … and the fact that they don’t even get to say goodbye. the fact that the last time they saw each other rhaenys was only catching a glimpse of her hauling ass north because something had gone amiss once jace departed from there. she never got to tell her just how much she loved her and loved raising her. that any anger or resentment or callousness she showed her at ANY point of her life had been ill placed and accidental. she never got to REALLY tell her how proud of her she was. how much of a privilege it had been to raise her up into the woman and mother she had become. she definitely does not see her late sister when she looks at her, but rather sees herself.
and when elsa returns, and in her grief goes to the alter by the tide pools that she’s visited far too often in her lifetime she absolutely loses it. while normally she’d have whittled a piece of wood to look like who she had lost, she stands there and just looks at the line of pieces that are already there; her mother, her grandmother, aemma, laena, laenor, viserys, luke, and her own son, rickon…she can’t put rhaneys there, she just can’t.
and in her grief and rage she destroys it, destroys the one place of peace she’s had all those years. destroys her once place of reflection and one place she could grieve uninterrupted. she rips the alter of driftwood and stone apart with her bare hands, knuckles bleeding.
it’s not a place of remembrance or reflection. it’s a glaring reminder of everything and everyone she’s lost. the empty spaces, a place holder for who might have an effigy placed there next; her husband, her daughters, her only remaining son, her nieces, her nephews, her queen and cousin, her father … the list goes on.
and all the while her dragon watches, feeling every ounce of her grief tenfold, and it’s unlike the kind she’s shared with her before. but when it’s all said am done, just like when elsa was fourteen and had lost her mother, frosteye lifts one opal wing, battle scars from them turning the tide in north still healing, and invites her under. and elsa accepts just as she did before, crawling beneath the wing, sand singing her split knuckles, drawing herself into a fetal position and weeping like a babe.
but she knows rhaenys isn’t coming to check on her like before. she knows frosteye won’t chortle and shift at the high valaryian spoken so softly and clearly to calm her upon approach.
she’s surrounded by so many, needed by so many. but she’s never felt so alone in rhaenys’ absence.
#oc txt.#c: eraesella#f: rhaenys x elsa#dawwwwwwwwg when i tell you i was going THROUGH it#i’m not very good at articulating myself#but elsa is about to come back into the mix as a bitter bitch#it doesn’t help that her absence is going to be used as a scapegoat for what happened by almost EVERYONE#corlys and baela won’t even be able to look at her for a time#and that hurts almost as bad as losing her aunt#bc she knows if she were there#that they could have taken that geriatric lizard down#elsa’s involvement WOULD have yielded a different outcome#so while she was stuck between a rock and a hard place saving her husband and daughter and stopping the green’s supporters in the north#vs sitting on hands at dragonstone bc they know better than to let her lose#she absolutely KNOWS and feels responsible for her death#rhaenys was the last REAL surviving thread she had to her mother#and while she always KNEW there was some weird tension beneath the surface#she never EVER doubted for a moment that she didn’t love her#elsa is going to be so so SO different moving forward#she’s always been hard headed and combative#but now? it’ll be on damn near treasonous levels.#BET she’s out for blood#hugh when i catch u at tumbleton!!!! WATCH OUT BITCH.#and the rift between her and corlys#DELICIOUS FOOD.#she’s not even mad at rhaenys#for not telling her the truth#it’s not her place#but she IS mad at corlys especially when he#joins in on partially placing her absence as a reason for his wife’s death
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nameless bard …
#thinking about him once again. god. god#how doomed was he. what sins rested upon his shoulders. what blood could he not wash off. what did he sacrifice#what ghosts follow him. whose voices can he hear when he tries to sleep.#sometimes i think about how it’s very possible wispti taught the bard to smile genuinely again#sometimes i think about how bard very possibly would’ve been crying and smiling had he survived#sometimes i think about how bard would collapse to the floor the day after and having it truly sink it that they won’t have to go back to—#—that lifestyle ever again. they did the impossible. they won they Won#(sometimes i think about how the bard is all too aware that his most beloved friend is powerful beyond their imagination. sometimes i think#about a bard who is careful about that power.)#puts my head in my hands#do you ever wonder about . the bard and the audio of they wanted a weapon#i got cheated out of my childhood#do you ever wonder about the bard looking at kids having fun and mourning for something he never quite got to experience. bittersweet#Do You Ever think about the bard#who cradles his wisp close knowing what his hands are capable of. who sits in meetings and jests and has to roll out each word w precision#bc who can you trust?#AGH .#lantern says stuff#gifs
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Bumping up the smut scene bc realistically there’s no way Jace would be away from Porter for 6 months and not wanna jump his bones within a day or two of being reunited.
But jokes on him bc Porter has been so terrified to lose him again reformed that he’s like overly careful to the point of being attentive about asking Jace if he’s okay with doing anything again before they’ve even discussed the killing and rage star mind control of it all. And Jace vehemently would like to get his nut and not think about the past because they’re back by each other’s side; always a duo.
#I’m trying to figure out how get chapter 5 where it needs to go and I know it’ll be long enough to have to split into to#so instead of full focusing on that I’m thinking about chapter 7~#I need to rework 6 so the tension is more idk#it’s there but there should be more#also goddamn writing Porter is hard bc Jesus Christ he’s such a guy that doesn’t speak his mind and won’t acknowledge anything internally#outside of I feel good when I’m with or talking to Jace#I feel bad when Jace is upset with me#I like Jace a lot maybe there’s something deeper there and then he shuts down when he get to that point#admitting he likes Jace is the death knell for him#Porter would make Jace detect thoughts just for him to say I love you and that’s the hill I’ll die on#I also need Brennan to know that always a duo will never leave my head fr#‘always a duo’ ‘I tried’ ‘pretty strong pretty strong’ ‘I’m a big boy’#just Jaceporter thots#my fic#fic ramblings#starbreaker#jaceporter
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not an f&b aegon ii fan, not a hotd aegon ii fan, but a secret third thing (a fan of the aegon ii that only exists in my mind)
#extreme mommy issues his father figure is his grandfather & a dude who literally cannot stop committing hate crimes deeply upset that he#could have been his older sister’s male wife but his mom said no and now he has to be king#wants to be a good husband to helaena but resents how gentle she is and dependent on his protection wears his hair short bc he resents his#father’s obsession with valyria when westeros is here now and needs him to do more than just acclaim rhaenyra decades ago and aegon#his true love is his dragon and he was never going to live long after sunfyre. the son that actually DID come with fire and blood to save#his mother but it wasn’t enough never enough because he’s the oldest son but he’s also only second born and what is a second born son than#girlson who is functionally useless as anything more than a pawn to his family.#dying miserable and alone without even his mother’s love bc he came for her too late but he CAME FOR HER!!! HE SAVED HER. too bad.#she doesn’t care anymore bc everyone she really loved is dead. dying a pawn and yet the powerful man in westeros.#letting the narrative consume him alive after sunfyre is injured and finds him on dragonstone. he knows he’s doomed when he goes up against#baela. he does it because what else do you do. you’ve gone too far. killed too many. you killed your sister’s children and she killed yours#in return and now you can’t go back. no choice but mutually assured destruction with the only woman who ever saw how dangerous he was and#how desperate for loce he was. once upon a time. he was a baby bouncing in his sister’s lap on the throne. and she was beautiful and tall#and soft and smart and she told him he was beautiful and loved and pointed out every name and held him the way a mother does.#it has to end there. if the narrative eats me and sunfyre alive it has to eat her too. he won’t go down without her.#getting on my soap box#aegon the usurper
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me a week ago: i love my job!!
me now, after having a mid-year review that amounted to you’re doing an excellent job and you bring such a valuable perspective to our practice but i don’t have the ability to give you a raise right now but don’t worry bc i just hired a new CFO to try to figure out money so we can maybe give you a raise later this year: *breaks into a cold sweat as i crack open indeed dot com*
#like how have you hired FOUR new employees in the past year (two new providers a new admin assistant and now a CFO)#without having plans for people to level up?#also i have talked to a friend who got hired at a similar practice a few months after me and she’s already making way more than me!#and you know who else makes more than i do?#my 19yo nephew who didn’t even finish high school. to be fair he’s grinding way more than he should#but also so am i!!#my disabled ass is working 6-7 days/week almost every week and i can barely afford to LIVE in the city where i live!!!#anyway don’t mind me i’m only apartment hunting#while also knowing that my paycheck is about to be hundreds of dollars lighter every month bc my health insurance is about to kick in#right now it’s either looking like we are gonna have to live in the world’s shittiest apartment (not even in the nice part of the city) or#we might just have to find something outside the city. which would be farther from work and friends and everything#yes i am having a full mental breakdown every single day and it’s only gonna get worse bc i’m due to start pmsing any second now#and also my last day at my hospital job is this weekend#bc everyone (including my boss) has encouraged me to quit and focus on only the one job#so now that’s also at least a few hundred bucks more i won’t be making every month#godddddddd#i hate it here i hate it here#did you know? having a fulfilling job still sucks if you aren't fairly compensated???#this is also what happens when you are part of a hot girl profession where everyone else is married to husbands with tech jobs#so they don't have to worry about money like this#anyway anyway anyway#i have never had anxiety so high that i feel as if i might puke before and i used to have a panic disorder so this is a fun new experience#a nice cherry on top of the typical summer depression which is also beating my ass yet again!
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Lewis Hamilton 🤝 George Russell
Both saying they got off twitter and went to therapy instead, a lesson we could all learn from, but undoubtedly will not.
#I’m not surprised bc you can tell#but it’s good they’ve both STATED it#might make some people move the fuck on from spamming their comments (it won’t)#in their situation it makes abundant sense#yes socials can connect#I met my partner on tumblr#I will literally never say social media is 100% toxic look at me#but BOY you gotta know when to prune or disconnect#there’s a reason I use twitter for notified team/journalist/driver updates and nothing else
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okay nonbinary character in Orv alert. slay
#Pretty fun that they’re having a jealousy moment over dokja rn#(I know junghyeok said he wasn’t specifically talking abt dokja but I assume he said that to keep nirvana from attacking dokja.)#Demonic judge of fire and secretive plotter are goofy lmao#Junghyeok: IM NOT INTERESTED IN MEN#Constellation demonic judge of fire is coughing up blood! You have been gifted 2000 coins!#<- killed me. Demonic judge of fire I love you pookie#….of course when I look at nirvana’s wiki they’re misgendered. -_-#Though I guess the vibe is tht bc they reincarnate so much gender is irrelevant to them? Which. that’s a vibe.#but also would it mean tht they don’t rlly care abt pronouns as long as u acknowledge that fact?#Idk I’m just pre-emptively headcanoning in case they turn out to be shitty rep#OHHHH NO JUNGHYEOK TRAUMA MOMENT. LOOKIT HIS SAD FACE D:#Sidenote I do adore how much the power scaling in this is just like kids in a playground one upping each other#And that guy from the small world was such an overpowered oc even though we already have a parody of an overpowered oc (junghyeok) hdgjfjv#‘Could they have invested everything into speed & psychic skills instead of physical skills?’ OMG#KICK THEIR ASS DOKJA#I love glass canons. Surely they’ll never break#‘Ur hot so I won’t kill you’ nirvana if only you were a protag….. YOU ARE SO CUNTY#Kim dokja dissociating even harder to defeat literal nirvana. Good for him#going post#orv
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THE BEST OF PRIORITY: THE CITADEL (PART 2)
Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Lt. James Vega, EDI, and Maj. Kaidan Alenko With: Councilor Donnel Udina, Councilor Tevos, Councilor Laiel Sparatus, Cmdr. Armando-Owen Bailey, and Kai Leng And a Special Guest Appearance by: The Illusive Man But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Sophie. Later- when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity- then it matters. Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#james vega#EDI#kaidan alenko#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 3#me3#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#james’s panicked face as the shuttle goes down you will always be famous to me bc you are so relatable#at this point i just know the normandy crew is not letting shep EDI or james near anything mechanical anymore#(something mechanical explodes around them on literally every mission at this point- cars.. bombs.. ships.. you name it!) :)#the way i didn’t even realize EDI and kaidan were wearing matching armor on this mission until i got to the elevator and i- 🥹 (blue crew!!)#but like- the way when soph gets off the elevator and kaidan has the gun drawn and she tells them to lower their weapons??#and EDI and james don’t even hesitate? THOSE ARE MY BABIES!!! THATS MY SQUAD RIGHT THERE!! THE LEVEL OF TRUST BETWEEN THESE THREE!! 🥹🥹🥹#and they don't raise their weapons again?? not until soph raises hers?? like it's the level of trust between her and them for me 🥹#i will say i talk a lot about how me3 shenko canon doesn’t really follow my own shenko canon (and my canon coup is MUCH DIFFERENT)#but something i noticed about the coup that i really liked? when kaidan has his gun drawn on shep you can see his hands shaking a little#it’s SO SUBTLE (and it’s easier to notice when you’ve got the video slowed down) but like?? the way his hands aren’t steady??#when he has the gun drawn on someone he loves?? i cried a bit making that gif ngl 🥺#the soft little ‘you won’t’ from shep after ‘i better not regret this’ makes me 🥺 every time.#there’s a canon reason soph doesn’t take the renegade interrupt but part of it is bc i like kaidan’s convo on the docks better :)#speaking of the docks the intro to the convo is a bit nonchalant but i like kaidan’s speech about integrity/living with your decisions#and the conversation between him/shep about what happened on the landing pad (though i wish it was a tiny bit longer!!)#there’s no ‘i feel like you would have taken me out’ line in the soph™️ canon but we supplemented it with some rewriting bc loose canon™️#(she never draws a gun on the landing pad either but that’s a story for the actual canon 🙃)#and yes i gif’ed the ass shot. there’s only one valid ass shot in the series and it’s this one! and you can quote me on that! ✨
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the fucking shitshow i experienced today…
#i won’t even get into the details of it but my work is being undermined and i didn’t say anything about it bc i was so taken aback and in#absolute shock. i have literally never Ever experienced something of this sort im not being dramatic i went into my office and told my#coworker girls what happened and everyone was staring blankly like ‘they said that to YOU??????’ bc it’s genuinely fucking unbelievable#got told some out of pocket shit that i willllll notttttt let slide but i need to get my shit together and think up the best way to respond#bc this wasn’t just undermining my work it was borderline humiliating. all from this woman who is supposedly my PhD mentor who NEVER#fucking helped me with anything and now she’s trying to tell me something that is SO insanely unfounded and just insane truly#as if i didn’t take over the entire goddamned (multi million) project and played the role of *drumroll* two phd students three#collaborators and TWO mentors one of whom was supposed to be the project lead. all that did so well that our ceo STILL praises me in#meetings and he never fucking praises anyone. as if i wasn’t offered two job positions in two separate labs while in one of london’s top#universities. as if i haven’t published 8 papers and a scientific book chapter which I’m the first author of#all without her help and now she wants to play mentor by trying to talk shit. oh my god im so miserable right now you have no idea#i can’t fucking stand her and no one in the company likes her anyway lmao but like#when i get out of this fucking state of SHOCK she just put me in im about to tell her to fuck off forever so politely and so wonderfully#that she will not know what happened to her. doubting MY capabilities ohhhh as if. as IF.
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are#but that person doesn’t exist! i never met them because they aren’t real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i don’t want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also#it wouldn’t be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way#and i appreciate that so so much which is why i won’t settle for anything less ever again and why i’m no longer actively seeking something#but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him#but i haven’t felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time#i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all#i’m not even gonna say that it doesn’t have to be The Person i’ll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way#because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesn’t want me to settle then i won’t#and i’m not trying to be impatient because i know that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to and i can’t force anything#i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different#i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that it’s gonna happen someday so i don’t lose my mind waiting for it#that i’m in the right place. and i’m right where i’m supposed to be#idk. i just know i don’t deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know i’m not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant
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