#bc when we last went there together for a concert we were with her ex and he did the driving

[sluttyten]

yall I want TDS3 tickets so badly 😭 but I don't know who to even go with and I'm not going by myself.... but I'm also seriously thinking I'm just gonna go ahead and try to get tickets on friday anyway

[imaginesig]

"Ditch the clowns, get the crown / Baby, I'm the one to beat"

Pt. 2 of “Can someone give a message to the smallest man who ever lived”

Lewis Hamilton x ex!reader (barely)

Joe Burrow x singer!reader

SMAU

What happened between the breakup and Y/n's release of "The Tortured Poets Department: Eros." Once again I stole this entire story line from Taylor Swift. The timeline doesn't line up perfectly with the original but I do what I want

Yn_updates

Liked by user4, user83, user92, and 920,092 others

Yn_updates: after the drop of TTPD Y/n was seen at the Cincinnati’s Bengals game today!!

tagged: yn_ln

user1: she rlly said, bye futbol and went back to her roots

user2 it’ll always be Y/n and her little drink against the world

user3 chat what is going on

user4 I need Twitter to get working on a timeline bc the breakup album just dropped, but we think her and Lewis might have been broken up for a while before she went on break, but now she’s writing for a new man who is possible on either the Bengals??

yn_updates

liked by user98, user3, user1, and 928,282 others

yn_updates: Y/n at the last regular season Bengals game!

tagged: yn_ln

user1 ugh why does her break have to end before playoffs!! I don't want her to miss any games!!

user3 same! I've enjoyed seeing her and her fits

user2 even if it didnt the Bengals aren't predicted to go far this year

user4 I NEED to know what's happening bc there is no way she just up and decided to attend football games this religously

user5 and they're not just any football games, Bengals games. she didnt even grow up a Bengals fan, she was raised a Titan's fan

yn_ln

liked by user43, gracieabrams, sabrinacarpender, and 928,923 others

Yn_ln: Ugh South America!! Y’all are as beautiful as sparkling lights at midnight!! Big kisses to you all!! 🫶🫶

tagged: no one

user1 ahh best night of my life!!!

user2 she was so giddy and happy tonight

user3 im glad someone else noticed

user4 guys the surprise songs tonight where the first ones since the breakup about Lewis that she wasn't mad or sad

user5 was Lewis in attendance? Are my parents back together??

user6 nope, while Y/n was giggling her way through Delicate Lewis was attempting to overtake Lando in Italy

user7 we all see her smile right??

user8 I NEED to know who was behind it

user9 I've been searching but as of right now no one other than family and close friends were in the VIP tents

user10 when she sang it seemed like she directed it in one area of the crowd not the tents, so maybe this mystery person was on the floor

user11 normally I would call this theory crazy but people who were there said it was clear the second surprise song was clearly aimed at someone in the audience, but no ones been identified yet...

joeyb_9

liked by user93, lahhay10_, teehigins, and 823,929 others

joeyb_9: "You look like bad news, I gotta have you" or sum

tagged: lahjay10_

User12 HE DID NOT

user1 WHAT

user2 guys is this who I think it was

user3 my worlds just collided

lahya10_ great night- one for the books!

joeyb_9 you got that right

user4 OMG JOEY B AND J'MARR AT A Y/N CONCERT??

user5 im assuming we're all thinking the same thing...

user6 they were on the floor too, not in tents

user7 J'marr only posted a story about the night and didnt dress up, so it has to be Joe

user8 THE CAPTION HELLO

user9 brother thinks putting "or sum" makes it less obvious

user10 what if he's just a girl like us with hyper specific captions

user11 the fact that he dressed up on theme for the concert made him 10x hotter

bengals

liked by yn_ln, joeyb_9, user5, and 678, 982 others

bengals: "It's been a long time coming..." 🏆

tagged: no one

user1 admin you aint slick 🤨

user2 AND THE BENGALS ARE SUPER BOWL CHAMPS WHOOO

user3 AHHH DID ANYONE ELSE SEE Y/N'S FACE AT THE END

user4 her face?? Babe I saw her whole body go flying up when they won!

user5 ugh she's a good luck charm across all sports

User6 but this time the man backed her up with his own skill…

User7 damn Y/n fans switch up quick

joeyb_9

liked by yn_ln, teehiggins, bengals, and 918,289 others

joeyb_9: WE'RE CHAMPS BABY

tagged: bengals, yn_ln

yn_ln so proud!!

joeyb_9 ♥️

lahjay10_ HELL YEAH BROTHER

joeyb_9 💪💪

teehiggins that’s how we do!!

joeyb_9 that's how we do 👏👏

User1 OMG HIM AND Y/N???

User2 their celebrations were adorable!!

user3 I’m glad after all the speculation they’ve made it official \

user4 He is not afraid of showing her off🥹

user5 it makes me so happy for her

yn_ln

liked by joeyb_9, user93, user3, and 928,928 others

yn_ln: I'm with the winning team

tagged: joeyb_9

joeyb_9 so much better than a good luck charm ♥️

yn_ln ♥️♥️

user1 Lewis punching the air rn

user2 fr, she really called him a loser with the caption

user3 lmao I love shady Y/n

user4 HER AND JOE?? THATS THE CUTEST PIC EVER

user5 IKR

user6 THEY'VE BEEN PUBLIC FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS AND THEY ALREADY MAKE ME FEEL SO LONELY

user7 is she with the winning team or are they the winning team??

user8 y/n and Joe >>>

Yn_ln

liked by user79, user91, user91, and 918,901 others

Yn_ln: surprise!! "The Tortured Poets Department: Eros" out now!! This edition includes two new songs, "So High School" and "The Alchemy"

tagged: no one

comments have been disabled

Twitter post songs release:

Twitter first Paris show:

yn_ln

liked by joeyb_9, user82, landonorris, and 829,927 others

yn_ln: Fuck me up *Paris*!!!

tagged: no one

user1 AHHH TTPD SET WAS INCREDIBLE

user2 ugh buying more tickets now bc I HAVE to see the new set

User3 all the symbols I CANT

User4 she looked so stunning

User5 I cannot y’all Joe was there!!!!

user6 I lost my mind at all their moments!! Hes so shameless unlike Lewis

User7 Paris was so lucky!!

user8 it was adorable to see Joe smiling and SINGING all throughout the show, including his songs/TTPD set

user9 ahhh the singing got me!!! her exes would never

user10 all the friendship bracelets her received and wore-- he was so cute

user11 I love that he has arms full and refused to relive himself of any!!

joeyb_9

liked by yn_ln, user9, yn_updates, and 918,928 others

joeyb_9: Baby, you're the one to beat ♥️

tagged: yn_ln

comments have been limited

@toldyouitwasamelodrama

@swifth0lic

@erbri3r

[voulezloux]

To celebrate it being the last show of FITFWT, what have your favourite moments been of the tour? 💕💕

the BEST one in my opinion is the collective meltdown we all had when louis wore a tank top for the first time in cuyahoga falls. but i also really enjoyed going to three of his shows!! i put them under the cut bc im being nice and not flooding the dash from everyone else’s posts

so i had planned my vacation last year so my official first day was the cincinnati date (a christmas present from regretfully my dad). it happened that i think the next two shows he did (i might be wrong) were within 2 hours of me, columbus and indianapolis, during my vacation. indy is where my ex lives so we decided to go together and i went to cbus and cincinnati by myself.

these are from my cincinnati date! i had a joke beef with louis because the past 3 times i saw him, he wore a white polo. v glad to not have that beef w/ louis anymore

my favorite story from this show is that there was a mom and her 2 y/o daughter at the show near me. it was the daughter’s first show and she was really excited for it. everyone around us kept giving her little gifts and bracelets and just 😭 really sweet to see!! at the end of the show, the girl starts crying because louis left (same girl) and she asked her mom where he went and she kept telling her it was his bedtime and he needs to sleep

these are from cbus! the venue was weird and there was a minor league baseball stadium next to the venue that had a game at the same time as doors opening. so all of us are in line waiting and these baseball fans are going inside and wondering why there’s this long ass line next to the venue. it was also hell in line because of the game and doors opening. BUT i did see tank louis in the flesh so 🫶🏻🫶🏻 worth it

and these are from indy!!! this was the show i went with to my ex. he had previously seen 1d on otra so he didn’t know what to really expect (he also is into kpop and those concerts are notably different than other genres). after a few songs, he leaned over to me and told me louis walks around like he has the biggest dick in the room and it’s hot to see (same). the only story i can remember from this show from the audience is someone threw up in pit. venue had like alcoholic slushies??? and someone threw that up. also i’m on the official LTHQ ig for that photo dump. i only know this bc i wore my fucking shrek bucket hat to this show and there’s a shot you can see my stupid hat in.

i will also miss shirt bets and @allwaswell16 forgetting to do shirt bets. and the meltdown we all continued to have with every outfit. i love my favorite little white man 🫶🏻🫶🏻

bonus: a sneaky photo of joshua i forgot i took during the cincinnati show. i saw him in cbus and i messaged one of my servers like … i think i just saw joshua and someone went yeah he’s interviewing people! talk to him! and i DIDNT bevause i have ANXIETY

[theloveinc]

Can we know why she went from best friend to fat footed bitch please👀😂

No worries if not, I'm just up late

lol i actually think i called her a fat footed bitch BEFORE we stopped being friends (altho... probs not much before) becauseeeeee... the last year we were friends was rocky for me and her.

BUT, and prepare yourself: it's really LONG and convoluted because TECHNICALLY it was all a misunderstanding (and related to some unaddressed trauma she had), but basically... her and her sister INVITED me and a plus one (who ended up being my friend) to go see a concert with them and carpool to the train station together, where we'd all subway to the venue. This part all goes fine.

BUT, it's on the way home, after we've trained back to her car... when it's like 2 in the morning, that she (ex-best friend) tells us that she's not planning on taking me or my friend home. She's just driving back to her house where she'll leave us to do whatever for our own ride, BECAUSE, she says, "we never asked for her to carpool us back home."

And this is kind of a problem because... since we just assumed she'd give us a ride home, WE HAVE NO BACKUP PLAN, and neither my mom nor my friend's family is picking up the phone, and so essentially, if she doesn't drive us, we're stranded in the middle of the night.

Of course, as my friend argues (even though I know she'd never call one for herself bc she was terrified of men) we could've gotten an uber... but it's both really late at night and, because this was just after highschool and I WAS FRESHLY 18, just an awful idea.

But the thing that makes it even more weird... is like, as we're arguing, her sister (who literally co-owns the car with her) offers to drive instead... and it's only then that she finally agrees to take us home...

Except that, once we're on the road, SHE PURPOSEFULLY misses our exit and just goes to her house anyway??????? (and by this point, i'm crying, not really because i'm upset at the scenario as a whole, though that too, but because i think she's just not acting like a friend AND BEING hypocritical, as well as the girl who i invited is chronically ill and needs to get home for her medication and bathroom and etc. and I just feel so bad)

So we eventually get to her house... where, once arriving, she just fucks off!!!!!!! and leaves us outside!!! And thankfully, her sister (who is actually still my friend, I love her lol) offers to go back and drop us off at home...

But the whole thing just ends up spiraling because... WELL, there's a lot of reasons, lol:

I left a bunch of makeup and a jacket at her house and text her to make sure i can pick it up later... and she yells at me (over text) about always being selfish asking other people to do stuff for me

This starts another fight where I tell her I just want an apology for not driving me home and that i was never expecting her to drop off the makeup LOL

She doesn't apologize and instead texts a mutual friend trying to get her to talk to me too

and i just stop responding to her altogether

And by the time she messages me again, a couple months later (by which we're both in different states having started college), NOT WITH AN APOLOGY, just simply saying she didn't realize the whole thing would take such a toll, I'm still too hurt to talk to her.... and that's basically the end of our friendship.

OH AND THE WHOLE INSTAGRAM REPORTING THING happened bc her sister invited me to christmas dinner soon after that and she immediately uninvited me... and i made another post about her having made me cry, which her new friend sent, as well as all these other screenshots of posts I made, to her.

i also did eventually get her a birthday gift (as an olive branch) when i was finally not angry and hurt.... but she never ended up acknowledging it (which wouldn't have been super weird except... i was literally at her house celebrating with her sister and she never once spoke to me).

-

SO YEAH. You probably weren't expecting so much but... here it is!! took me like 45 minutes to type out and i'm pretty sure it's still not the best description but........... THAT'S HOW I GOT MY HEART BROKEN BY A FAT FOOTED BITCH (she's also a zionist now tho so lmaooo i really dodged a bullet there) !

HOPE THIS WAS A GOOD BEDTIME STORY ILY

[baekhvuns]

hi sunbaenim! am back to tell u everything in detail bc i sent the last asks when i was sleep drunk right b4 goinf to bed. here it goes:

1. my roomie and one of the best friends i have since we moved in together last year due to college dated a guy for ~3 years until february when he broke up w her (important info: he goes to the same uni we do, started studying here bc of her influence. i knew him and we had a somewhat strong friendship, we used to talk a lot ab our insecurities and all. he said he adored me all the time). she got extremely sad bc she loved him a lot and even thought she'd marry him at some point. it was v difficult for me seing her so down. in march, we were talking and she asked me what my thoughts were ab some situations that happened between them when they dated and with what i said she realized she was abused. she went to talk w him ab this and at first he seemed sorry and all. but last month a friend of ours told us this guy tried to justify his abuse with something ridiculous and disgustimg im not even mentioning here AND ALSO SAID I WAS THE ONE WHO "PUT IDEAS" IN MY ROOMIE'S HEAD??????? i turned into the ex' crazy friend so he wouldnt be the one to blame, u know? then my roomie had to talk to him in private some days after we discovered that and she had to call me to "rescue" her bc he was saying the most violent things to her... i got there and i started to reply the whole MENINIST NONSENSE he was saying to her and to me at that point and in the end we said we didnt want any type of contact w him. me and my roomie got v emotionally unstable due to all of this, but now shes finally free and we're already better.

2. my roomie went for a trip and accidentally got bugs in the luggage she's taken to that trip so our apartament got infestated w them when she came back :D we had to fumigate (is this the right word) it all last week, spent a night out so the substances wouldnt poison us and in the next day spent 6/7 hours cleaning and putting all back in place. it was hell.

2.5 i kinda got a could the following day after we cleaned it all and i absolutely hate to be sick. :D

3. 2 days after having our apartment bug free, there was a fire in our building? and its very windy were we live so the fire could spread fast. roomie was in uni but i was at home and i had to be through the entire fire bc the smoke could get me sick (even more, bc i had a cold, remember?) if i tried to get out of here. fortunately it all went well, but we had no electricity until 8pm, and the fire started around 2pm.

tea spilled. thats has been my life happenings for the last 2 months. im putting my life together again now even though it has been looking like a sitcom ou smth... pls somebody tell god im not his strongest soldier i cant handle being tested anymore

-hoobae anon

HELLO!! IM ALREADY CRYING 😭😭

1. oH HE DID NOT?????? OH MY GOD FBWKDHWK HE IS SO???? not the menist oh lord 😭😭😭 HOW DID UR FRIEND EVEN LIKE HIM FHWJDHWK IM SO GLAD U SHUT HIM DOWN OH I CAN JUST IMAGE IT ANON 🫡🫡🫡🫡 ok but like the communication between u and ur friend??? top tier everyone need a friend like u

justify. abuse. electric chair.

2. STOP THIS IS A NIGHTMARE PLS WHAT THE FUCK I WISH U WOULD SEE MT FACE RN FBWNDJQK OH THIS NASTY 😭😭😭

3. fight, bugs and now fire. anon, idk the right terms but i know u gotta cleanse or sage yourself bECAUSE HELLO????? NAAAHHHH THE EVIL EYE GOT U, U GOTTA DO SOME JUJU

tea spilled, i screamed, no ur right this is like a sitcom like i can imagine the laugh tracks after u find yourself in a situation 😭😭😭 crying this is so chaotic but i guess it’s a story to tell in the future!!! im glad ur safe i hope the concert will be good tooo!!!!!

[xcziel]

get to know me

tagged by @vishcount (thank you!!) and i'll follow her format bc making two posts seems a little much - i'm not that interesting!!

(hilariously, this post shows up as blocked for me bc of the tag 'joker' which? tumblr?????)

Part I

name: i'm an internet old, so i never use my real name online, mainly because it's spelled in a very unique way (thanks mom & dad) - i mean like, if you googled it you could find my home address in a few seconds kind of unique - but also, though i do enjoy the spelling, i actually don't like it very much when it's said out loud? (is it weird that my name written down is 'me', but my name aloud has never felt like 'me'?) always wanted a nickname but never acquired one :/

at any rate, i've had the username xcziel forever and i go by that 😊 (pronounced ex-SEE-zee-el, similar to etc. or ex-SET-er-ah! thanks @xia-xueyi for pointing out that it can be confusing to guess!)

rest behind a cut because it got long!

pronouns: she/her

star sign: i don't ... really *do* astrology? but technically saggitarius

height: 5'4" (162.5cm for the intl folks)

time: 5:43pm but these thing take me forever to type out so ... ???

birthday: playing the 'internet old' card again .. but it floats around american Thanksgiving depending on the year

nationality: american

fave bands/groups/solo artists: lumping these together because i just .. don't really do music much anymore. if you had asked me this back in my 20s i'm sure i would have had all kinds of opinions and things to share, but these days i actually mostly prefer to listen music from when i was a kid. part of it is also that as an old, i prefer to buy my music, even digitally, and i don't really use spotify - which does so much to enable diverse music exploration i admit! but i mostly have earplugs in all the time and music does not work for me as background noise, so...

so i guess my answer would be 70s disco and classic rock and 80s new wave artists? i've never liked any artist's entire discography and prefer greatest hits-type compilations, but i guess duran duran and def leppard and depeche mode would be considered formative? i love new order but specifically late 80s new order, NOT joy division. the only concert t-shirt i've ever worn was the cult? i loved sonic temple but i can't listen to most of it anymore though i still adore love removal machine. i think maybe if you get old enough, for some of us there's TOO MUCH good music and we can't pare it down anymore

song stuck in your head: jamiroquai's canned heat

last movie you watched: re: the above, i re-watched center stage, the 2000 one with zoe saldana and the mandy moore soundtrack, bc it's a happy comfort movie and i just got a digital version

last show you binged: i can't really "binge" very often bc after a couple of hours i need a break, so i guess i'd say the tgcf donghua on netflix since it was short enough to get through all in one go

when you created your blog: in 2012 i stopped lurking so i could post about the avengers movie

the last thing you googled: 5'4" in cm? lol before that it was chinese wrapped street food

other blogs: everything is here! i discovered i compartmentalize about as well as i tag reliably (😓) but i do have several automated ao3feed-tag style sideblogs. and i did, very briefly, have a *winces* hockey sideblog too

why i chose my url: ooh i know i've done this before, sorry if it's repetitive, basically it was the username i picked back when my family first got aol: short, unique combo of letters - 14-year-old me really thought about it! and then it wouldn't let me use anything other than my name. thirty-some-odd years later, trying to come up with a livejournal username that wasn't already taken and getting fed up, i plugged it in and went: good enough!

how many people are you following: like 760-something last i checked? although many, many, many of them are deactivated

how many followers do you have: idk i don't like looking at that stuff, but way fewer than i am following

average hours of sleep: it varies too much day by day, my sleep schedule is too wonky, i have no idea what the average would be

lucky numbers: 7? cliché i know, and again not really buying into it, but somewhere in my hindbrain i like it that my first, middle, and last names all have seven letters

instruments: none. i like singing

what i'm currently wearing: giant black t-shirt and baggy black drawstring shorts, standard sitting around the house gear

dream job: don't have one. if i did it would give me something to be working towards *sigh* this is how you end up in retail for decades, kids! but also, to quote a random post i saw in true tumblr fashion "i simply do not dream of labor"

dream trip: covered this one before but: back to the uk and some railway daytrips, or a really fancy northern cruise, atlantic/pacific either one

fave food: uhhh, don't really have a favorite but i'm almost always in the mood for pizza

top three fictional universe you'd like to live in: none really, if i had to still be me..maybe some kind of actually utopian future? but the pandemic has confirmed for me that i do NOT like living in interesting times, so most fictional story universes are RIGHT out. my favorites to read about like discworld or diana wynne jones' worlds would be way to chaotic for my comfort. possibly diane duane's young wizards universe would be safe enough to be okay?

Part II

last song: watching center stage made me think of my dance playlist so sunrise by simply red

last movielast stream: i don't watch streams or youtube often, so it was the same as you, vish! liu chang's birthday stream was SO enjoyable i screenrecorded the entire thing just so i could play it back (and maybe gif sometime if i ever get the drive to actually do it)

currently reading: well i just finished the translated quan qiu gao kao or global university entrance exam novel, which was sparked purely from catching a single rec post here on tumblr and basically just *falling* into this 166 chapter epic that is *amazing* and not coming up for air until i got to the end, which is typical novel-reading behavior for me (yes i was the kid who read through lunch period and got hassled by people who kept pestering me with "what're you reading" questions and yes i realize probably a lot of you on tumblr were too) plus, the new murderbot novel is out tomorrow!!!!! so that'll be where i end up next!

currently watching: the entire dmbj verse (that i can get my hands on) but ... sporadically and stopping at random different parts because the thing is ... this type of show is not really the kind i enjoy so much? so since it's more for "research" and learning character arcs (and let's be honest: shots of liu sang), etc. it's easy to get distracted by other stuff. i'm also watching the sleuth of the ming dynasty, mr queen, bromance, the expanse, re-watching farscape and stargate sg-1, just finished the falcon and the winter soldier, and then anytime something new and short gets introduced it jumps the queue. there are just. so. many. things. to. watch! (now i have to look into anti-fraud league too!? you all are cruel ...)

what is antipoetry to you: i ... don't really think much about poetry? i know what i prefer is usually the more basic rhymed kind like lewis carroll, emily dickinson, poe, coleridge, etc. so i suppose i don't have much use for classifying non-rhyming verse? i can appreciate stuff like rupi kaur which i guess would qualify? or that william carlos williams plums poem? but it doesn't really stick with me the way lyric-like verse does

currently craving: i never know what exactly this is meant to be in reference to ... hmmm, i would love a new high-concept, high production-quality movie like say, pacific rim, to be released, just for that massive, excited energy that comes with something new that hasn't already got tons of disappointing or conflicting history behind it - that would be so fun!!

other than that, right now, i mostly kinda want some fried fish? but that will have to wait until i go to get my second vaccine shot on wednesday since it's on the way there. i'd also like my internal body parts to settle down and fly right but it's been more than a month and they don't seem inclined :(((( maybe once i'm fully vaxxed i'll think about consulting somebody about it

tagging @foxofninetales @xia-xueyi @momosandlemonsoda @memorydragon @thewindsofsong @elvencantation @mylastbraincql @hesayshesgotboyfriend @aurawolfgirl2000 @smaragdine-galaxy and anyone who wants to! but never feel obligated and if you don't get around to it for like half a year that's totally fine, i am still interested!!!

[amyscascadingtabs]

you’ll keep me intact

read on ao3

They were going to see Hamilton. That’s what she’s most upset about.

They had been planning the date night for two months, weeks before they got a positive pregnancy test, and she’d been so excited. David had given them the tickets after receiving them as a gift when he bumped into Lin-Manuel Miranda on the street, discovering that the two of them looked like twins.

(“It was crazy”, he’d told Amy over the phone. “But anyway, I don’t really follow pop culture, so you can have them if you want.”)

Amy had been stoked - Jake was sure to love this play much more than he’d tolerated the first one they saw together, and they were going to have dinner at a proper nice restaurant while wearing actual fancy clothing. She had been thinking of busting out the red dress she wore at their first real date, and yeah, she may have been longing for the chance to see her husband in a tux again, so sue her.

The play starts in ten minutes and Amy’s in bed.

She should be sitting in a red plush seat holding hands with the love of her life and waiting to see the musical they both know too much of the lyrics to performed live in front of them, and she’s in bed.

She’s furious, and she’s too exhausted to do something about it, because being in your first trimester of pregnancy is everything but energizing. The excitement and gratefulness aside, Amy feels as if someone took one of the worst hangovers she ever had and extended the duration of it to weeks and months, then subtracted the fun alcohol-part and added extra mood-swings. She can’t drink at Shaw’s anymore and lacks energy to do anything else but go home and sleep the moment her shift’s over, she struggles to follow a conversation when she’s busy fighting a wave of nausea, and now she’s cancelling date nights. With the thought of her baby still an abstract concept she struggles to fully wrap her head around, the whole situation is mostly aggravating.

The lighting in the room is not as striking bright as before, creeping closer to sunset but not there, so Amy figures she must have slept for a while. It’s the kind of golden hour out now that she’d adore a romantic walk in, capturing a few cheesy couple selfies with her phone while enjoying the view, and she considers calling for Jake to ask if they can take one before realizing he's the one who decided they weren't going out tonight, not even for a walk or Hamilton. She's too tired, was barely able to keep her eyes open during their drive home, and it's a bad nausea day on top of it.

(“You're going to sleep,” her husband had stated when she insisted one last time that maybe she could do it, even though she'd had to throw up at the mere consideration of different food smells at a restaurant. “You need it. C’mon, I'll let you be the little spoon.”)

There had been no way for her not to fall for his offer, and she drifted asleep minutes after changing into pajamas and curling up in his arms.

She's alone in their bedroom now, but there's a folded neon orange post-it on the pillow next to her. The squiggly handwriting scribbled on it is one she’d recognize anywhere, and she grins as she reads it.

Went to the store to buy ice cream, the note says. Plus more saltines and orangina bc i know you like that best (you’re orangina!). Love youuu.

He’s drawn a collection of uneven hearts after the message. Amy traces one of them with her index finger, waking up slowly to the background noise of Taylor Swift being played from the living room and telling her Jake must be back by noe. She wraps the comforter around herself and sneaks out into the hallway.

He’s watching the Reputation Stadium Tour. It’s the All Too Well-performance, a favorite for them both in the two hour five minute-recording of the show, and she expects him to be so focused on the television it's a surprise when he turns around, eyes lighting up when he sees her.

She's tired and she's bitter about the cancelled date night and she's felt sick for the entire day, but once she sees the content, dreamy smile he meets her with, all of the world’s misfortunes seem less disastrous. All the miracles appear brighter, too - a joyful spark in her heart reminds her they're having a baby together, and every bit of suffering she's going through will be worth it thousandfold less than seven months from now.

“I would ask you if you managed to get some rest,” he comments playfully. “But I checked on you a bunch of times and you were out like a light for all of them. How are you feeling?”

“A bit better. I’m sorry”, she mutters. He wrinkles his forehead at her apology, so she explains it further. “For being boring. This isn't exactly the exciting date night we’d planned from the start, and it’s all my fault. ”

“Stop that.” He gestures for her to take the spot next to him on the couch and she does, resting her head on his shoulder for extra closeness and letting his arm snake around her waist. “Ames, you couldn't be boring if you tried.”

“We were going to a fancy restaurant! We were going to Hamilton!”

“Yeah, but we totally made a couple purple-haired theatre kids the happiest people in New York when I sold them the tickets cheap.” Jake shrugs. “All I care about in a date night is getting to spend time with my wife.”

“Your hopelessly boring, moody and nauseous wife?”

“My badass wife”, he corrects her with a kiss to her hairline. “My badass, incredible, gorgeous and awesome wife.”

“She sounds great, whoever she is.”

“Oh, trust me. She is.” There's a smile on his lips so wide she's tempted to kiss it off of him - she does, shamelessly, and he whispers the last words against her lips.

Taylor has moved on to her Blank Space-performance on their television. Amy notes how Jake is moving his feet to the beat of it, miming along to the lyrics. She's seen him watch this movie at least ten to fifteen times and he doesn't seem to have grown tired of it yet. As far as date nights go, Amy supposes they’ve both been through worse - at least there are no exes or depressed bosses to be found in their apartment tonight - but it doesn't stop her from wishing it could have gone differently.

She drapes her right leg over his lap so she's practically straddling him just to get closer, burying her face in his neck and making a mental note to thank him for immediately ceasing to use the aftershave whose scent makes her sick now. He lets her stay close, doesn’t even complain about her blocking part of his view of the tv, and she makes another mental note to really, really thank him whenever her energy returns.

“I really am sorry about tonight, though”, she whispers after a minute, ever so distracted by his fingers tracing feather-light patterns on her neck. “Wasn't what I planned.”

“Title of your sextape.”

“Ha-ha.”

“You love me”, he reminds her, grinning. “Really, Ames, it's okay. I don't mind this.”

“I know, but…” She bites at her lower lip. “I guess it hit me that we won't be able to go on dates like this for much longer.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before we only had to coordinate work schedules. Now we’ll have to find a babysitter, and deal with leaving our baby to someone else, and it’s going to be difficult. I feel bad for ruining what might be one of the few opportunities we have left in a long time.”

Jake frowns, running his free hand through his hair in a fruitless attempt to smooth a few curls out. He just makes it messier, but she doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

“You’re really worried about that?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Do you want logic or reassurance?”

Years of partnership, courtship and now marriage have taught them a few handy tools in dealing with each other's anxieties. This distinction is one of them.

“Logic”, she decides, and he nods. “If you have anything.”

“I do”, he promises, pausing the television at a shot of the concert audience holding lights in the air. They almost resemble a starry night sky, Amy thinks when she looks back at them. “Let's start with time. It's only May and we're having a baby in December. We have oceans of time to go on dates, especially if you start feeling better in the second trimester like all the websites say.”

“We're going to have a lot to prepare and it's going to go by fast. Plus, it's still not a ton of time. What do we do when they’re here?”

“Charles”, says Jake, and she furrows her brows, so he explains. “You think we’ll have a problem finding babysitters? On the list of people who will love our baby the most, Charles’s name is literally right below ours. You know he'll be dying for every chance he can get to spend some time with them.”

“And what if our kid doesn't like Charles?”

“All kids love Charles, I doubt ours will be an exception.”

“Fine”, she relents. “Babysitting is settled. Still, we’ll be tired, and hesitant to leave them, and it’ll take work and I just...” Amy can feel tears burning behind her eyelids - they’re always too close now, all of her emotions intensified. “I didn’t want to cancel this. I wanted to give you something nice as a reward for putting up with me right now, and this is what you get. Taylor Swift, hanging out on the couch, and your emotional mess of a wife.”

He doesn’t say a word at first. She wonders briefly if if the reason he’s pursing his lips and watching her with an expression of either pain or pity is that he thinks she’s right, that she is letting him down. When he keeps lightly massaging her neck and leans in for a chaste but sweet kiss on her lips instead of complaining, it confuses her.

“Ames, I meant it when I said it was okay. I don’t care about the date nights, I care about you.”

“Just admit you’re disappointed.”

“A bit”, he admits with a weak smile. “But not for the reasons you think. It sucks that you’re not feeling well, and it sucks that I can’t do much about it, and it sucks that you’re upset about this. But I still think it’s a perfect date night.”

“In what world would it ever be perfect?”

“You’re here.” Another chaste kiss to her lips. “You’re here, we’re watching Taylor Swift, and I have a full liter of our favorite Italian gelato in the fridge. That’s as close to perfect as it gets if you ask me.”

“Oh my god, you bought the good ice cream?”

“Yeah?”

“I seriously love you.”

“Ah.” She recognizes the characteristic dorky grin from years ago as well as yesterday, but it makes her heart skip a beat all the same. “And here I’ve been all these years, thinking your love for me was fake.”

She punches him in the shoulder for that.

“You know”, Jake says when he hands her a generous bowl of vanilla and caramel ice cream, “We can have this kind of tv and ice cream-date nights when we have a baby, too.”

“We’ll be falling asleep on the couch”, she corrects him. “And staring at a baby monitor like crazy people unless they’re sleeping on us.”

“Well, Amy Santiago”, Jake grins, “I can’t wait to fall asleep on the couch with you.”

It's not the night she imagined, but when they go to bed and he once again lets her curl up into a ball while he holds her, playing with her hair until she falls asleep, she couldn't be more okay with it.

(Two weeks later, Jake reveals he managed to buy new Hamilton tickets. Five weeks later, Amy gets both her nice restaurant-date and her Hamilton experience, as well as a chance to show off an incipient baby bump in the sleek red dress.)

[x-whyareyoureadingthis-x]

Killerpilze JAK 2019

So, I’m gonna try to put things chronologically.

I was there at 3pm. A girl I knew from the festival in summer, was already waiting, so I sat with her and her friends. They tried to guess my favourite member. Apparently I look like a Jo or Mäx girl, but not at all like a Fabi girl. Okay?

It was cold, but I was clever enough to put on layers (a total of three shirts, a hoodie and a jacket), but my car was close by so I was able to drop the jacket and two shirts off before the show.

Later two friends from last year joined. One of them I met again at the twenty one pilots concert, where someone randomly shouted “Killerpilze” behind me, to which I responded with “Fuck yeah” before turning around to find out I knew that girl (what are the chances to end up at the same concert, and then even find each other between 15 000 people). The other girl and her sister and I met up for the concert in November. The four of us are kind of a squad.

The band had announced they wouldn’t do signings after the show, but they came out before the show.

I gave Fabi my letter, and he laughed in this kind of “don’t worry, I feel you”-way when I said I hadn’t drawn anything because I can’t draw, but I can write.

I also got the chance to talk to Jo and Mäx, and I took pictures with all three of them (of course the ones with Fabi turned out the worst, and sadly the ones with Mäx are blurry, because he had agreed on taking the picture, and then was called back inside, so it was hurried, but better than nothing)

Jo’s hair is long and very soft, which I know because it was in my face.

Fabi’s jacket was warm and soft. A comfy jacket.

We decided to get chips, which were nice to warm up, and twenty minutes before doors, we dropped out jackets and too many shirts off at my car.

We decided two of us, the sister and I, should go and get a place, while the other two went to buy merch for everyone, because there were shirts, limited to 100 pieces, and we wanted some.

I now own an official, limited Killerpilze Nachtronauten t-shirt.

We stood second row, right behind some French girls I know a little from other concerts. Later, during the concert, I asked if it was okay to reach between them and stabilize myself on the bannister, because the crowd was pushing around a lot. She said “Yes, of course, because I like you”. DUDE, someone likes me just bc I’m myself!

Before the opening band went one, one of the girls I was with looked at all of us, and sighed “Last Killerpilze concert with my Killerpilze girls” and I, being me, of course asked if that included me (you know, since the one girl is her sister, and the other her ex-girlfriend). I think she wanted to be sarcastic, but when she saw that I was actually insecure about this, she very patiently explained that of course that included me. I cried. Seriously. We were sitting on the floor, I cried, they hugged me, and tried not to cry.

The show started out with the band messing up the first song, Fabi, the drummer, was too fast, and somehow didn’t get slower, and the other’s didn’t keep up with him.

Then Jo did his bass-case-surfing-thing again. And he went over us. Never again please, I’m so scared he’ll fall off

Fabi, who usually only sings backing vocals (if at all) got to do an entire verse from a song I’ve been listening to quite a lot lately

Also Jo is famous for his jumps

And I noticed two things about Mäx that are too adorable not to share

1. He does this little thing with his leg where he stands on one, goes into the knee a little, and then kinda turns the other knee inward while standing on his toes with that foot. Hard to describe but a typical Mäx move

2. Because as a guitarist he hardly has his hands free, he can’t hug Jo (Fabi is out of reach bc of the drums anyway), or pat his shoulder or something, so he walks over and presses his head against the upper arm. But not like Frank Iero, who just drops his forehead against the other person/Gerard, Mäx kinda does it sideways so his temple is against the other person, and then he looks up at them. It’s fucking adorable

After a quick break, they came back on stage and played the first song again, as if it was really the first song.

They played the obligatory two songs in the audience, and someone decided Fabi was going to crowd surf while playing his tambourine, and just when he was coming up to where I was standing they almost dropped him. Only almost tho (not like his brother a couple of weeks back), we caught him in time.

After the songs in the audience, they wanted to play one with the acoustic guitars on stage, but the little mic on Mäx’s guitar was sort of broken, so he had to readjust his singing mic (since in that song only Jo sings) to pick up the guitar’s sound. Jo’s comment “For 17 years the most professional band of the galaxy” (usually they are being called the most dangerous band of the galaxy).

At two songs they had confetti canons, but instead of these little paper strips they shot golden bands, which disappointed Jo, especially since the band is very focused on the environment, and they would have preferred biodegradable confetti

Then they announced a special guest. At this point I have to explain that the band started out with four guys, but the second guitarist left in 2007. I have never seen Schlagi, I have never seen him play a show, I have never even considered the possibility that they might reprise their time together by having him play. So it is put mildly to say I freaked out a lot when they brought him on stage. Everyone freaked out. The band members all hugged him, and then Mäx and Jo took him in the middle to play the first song the band ever wrote together. Holy shit. It was fantastic. I mean, Schlagi, just… Schlagi okay?

In the end Jo did a little speech about how truly we are not just fans but are like family (the fans are called KPfamily) to them, and that really fucked me up, because that’s how I always felt about them.

Then they played the last song. I really expected Jo to cry, or Mäx. Mäx looked a little teary eyed and Jo really was fighting the tears, but it was Fabi, the one I expected to cry the least, who really cried. I’ve hardly ever felt a stronger urge to hug someone.

They brought a flag (background info: the last album is called “Nothing is forever”). The flag said “Nothing is forever, except us and you”.

After they showed the flag to the crowd, Fabi started crying even harder, and Jo wrapped them all in a hug, covering them with the flag.

I’m very proud that we are fans who our idols don’t worry about crying in front of. And about loving people so much who are not afraid to show their emotions.

Oh, and i got a setlist.

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Rant (Nov 27 + Other Side Tales)

My siblings are currently mad at me. Here’s what went down. Tagging: @akaskira​ @ce-la​ @caratheillustrious​ Who are all practically my spiritual online older sister/sage advice givers and @lizard-in-the-rain​ who can be an idiot along with me.

For context:  Ate = Sister Kuya = Brother * My dad and I have a rocky past because he’s very old-fashioned, hasn’t been always supportive about my mental health, and is really old and out of date (especially about LGBTQ, feminism, HK protests, etc.) * My sister also has a rocky past with me but has since calmed down a little thanks to old age (she’s 23) * My brother is constantly busy with school (and stressed), is still mourning his breakup after a few months which continues to salt his wounds (not because his ex is crappy but she’s really nice. He’s having a bit of trouble still.), and is a very sensitive person (more sensitive than my sister)

Further in, you can see what happened at the orchestra concert on Saturday. For context, you can check out a previous rant.

Me: Dad got some bad oil burns. I was in the family room as he was yelling “[MOM NAME x 3] WHAT DO I DO WITH OIL BURNS?��� Mom was upstairs and didn’t hear They are kinda big He’s upset

Ate: What the why didn't you help him call mom???? did you??? yike oil burns are no joke bc they hurt for longer bc water just steams away but oil sticks and keeps burning and the scars are worse

Me: Uh... I was scrolling on tumblr? I don’t know. I thought he already put ice.

Ate: smh

Me: But looking back, I heard the water running for less than a minute.

Ate: LOL

Me: And never heard the freezer open

Ate: water won't help unless you use soap anyways

Me: So I thought he did that but he was really just yelling for mom He didn’t even ice it. He said he ran some water over it.

Ate: make sure you help if someone yells for help next time even if you think it's handled bc if a person is panicking/in pain they're likely not thinking straight to help themselves speaking from experience

Me: Mom tried to give him advice now and he just walked away going “uh huh”

Ate: even I know to put my hand under cold running water and ice it but I've definitely not done that when I've burnt myself before I would be pretty choked too if there were 2 other people in the house and neither of them came to help me when I got oil burns

Me: Mom was upstairs and couldn’t hear. I thought he was crying wolf as usual.He yells for mom around three times on a daily basis

Ate: fair but fr next time take the 5 seconds to check bc sometimes bad things happenesp if all you hear is a thud

Me: “[Mom Name x 3 again] I CANT FIND THE [blank]!!!” Mom: it’s been in the same spot for over a decade. Look with your eyes.

Me: Mom does that once every other day (has a big thud) usually because something broke. When I heard the yell this time, I thought it was because he knocked something over. Dad is always yelling He even asked mom how to make the rice And didn’t make it because she didn’t answer fast enough Dad is a drama queen. That’s where we all get it from.

Ate: I mean

Kuya: Tf is this situation How can you ignore someone in need of help Regardless of who it is Doesn't it hurt to see someone suffering

Me: I didn’t see anything

Kuya: Unless you hold extreme animosity Like they killed your mom or something I have to hand something in by 10 But I find this quite upsetting

Me: I didn’t see anything, and the last thing he yelled was an oil burn, and the only advice I had was water and ice which I thought he already did.

Me (in response to animosity): Not extreme, but living with him with only me as the child has screwed a lot of things up.It has taken a toll on my sympathy for people (or whatever is left)

Ate: Same but he's still our dad?

Me: Eh, I honestly thought it was a small thing until I saw it.

Ate: I have only shreds of respect for him left but idk if I would go as far as to just overlook "oil burn" and figure "oh, I can't help so I'll ignore him" like that's a lil funny

Me: Again, when someone is constantly yelling, there’s a point where you don’t listen fully to what they’re saying. It only registered later that his burns might actually be serious and more than putting your fingertip on a hot pan. I also have little sympathy due to how he’s treated me during my past situations so honestly, I’ve little tolerance.

Afterwards, my mom called my sister who was absolutely hysterical and screaming on the other line to the point where my mom had to pull the phone away from her ear.

________________

Some Stupid Orchestra Stories:

Things I have said to my orchestra cohorts that might’ve scared them:

*sees me bump my instrument* Trumpet: Ouch Me (walking away): Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, and dead men tell no tales. Doug: What?

*sees me bump my bow* Doug: Ouch Me (tired because I was just excluded from the conversation today because no one would listen to what I had to say): I’m going to stab you Doug: Pat, protect me!

Me: *tells anything about school* Everyone: MAJOR CONCERN (Examples: Kid said that this guy could have sex with his friend before she turned 21 by slipping a drug into her drink, kid saying he was going to hit a girl with a metal bar from the desk, kids smoking out back, kids make noise downstairs which causes the room I work in to shake, kids throwing stuff out car windows, kids brawling, my science teacher from regular school failing me for practically no reason)

More of an annoying incident from me: Hannah: Who’re you messaging? Your girlfriend? Sean: Yeah Me: YOU’RE STILL TOGETHER?! Sean: (sheepishly) yeah

To be fair, I get weirded out whenever they flash their privilege as semi-well off rich kids.  “Remember those special trips you get to take with your school to learn more about science? // Remember those international trips you take with your school club?” Me: ...no?! I’m not poor, I just dropped out of school before I could even go to my nearest McDonalds for a field trip.

But Doug is a little dumb sometimes. He doesn’t get my sense of humour (understandable), but he’s a little ignorant towards not-privileged people. 

He literally said he goes to sleep at 9:30pm, got into university (this is a semi-prestigious one) first try with 90s in all of his classes (at least), has a girlfriend, has friends, and doesn’t understand why anyone would stay later than that unless they had poor time management. His words, not mine. My brother stays there until around 12am studying. He was not happy to hear that. Doug is first year so my siblings are making fun of him saying he will perish in a year’s time. My parents saw him stealing kisses from his girlfriend in a parking lot during the day of our last concert. I seriously though the girl in his profile picture was his sister and not his girlfriend because they were both seriously white. Whiter than a bowl of milk I tell you.

He also doesn’t know what a period app would be for. I was a little annoyed. My brother knows about this well enough because we all know my sister and mom would not let anyone in this family live if they did not know the ins-and-outs of a period. Doug was like, “Why would you need to track that?” I responded, “Because they’re irregular.” He looked a little puzzled and I said, “Douglas, you’re a science major. There’s sex ed in school.” He responded that he is going into research (not sure what that has to do with menstrual ignorance) and never paid attention during sex ed (since it’s never for marks). I then got a little more pushy and said, “Well, if you ever want a girlfriend, maybe you should learn.” To which he said, “I have a girlfriend”. To which I gave him a look of:

Stories from the orchestra concert:

I did tell the bass instructor about this so maybe it’ll get sorted out but I did this “tell the teacher” thing twice where it backfired terribly. Let’s hope university kids are a little more grown up.

My messages from that night: Pat told me it was cute when I played in the wrong spots. It was genuine like she said it was cute. But it was like ??? I was having a panic attack. My brain left my body. I don’t want to play anymore. Then she put up her bow to make sure I wouldn’t flip the page Then she hit her bow on her bass. I really don’t want to play anymore. (She also repeated the same thing twice knowing from a previous talk that I have bad anxiety. She has anxiety as well.)

Me: Then Hannah and Patricia were commenting on my shoes. I like wearing my orthotics. They make my feet feel not in pain. Ate: tell them that Me: I did They told me to take off my shoes “They can’t even see my feet” I’m all the way in the back behind people “Then take off your shoes” “But then I’ll be in pain” “But you sit” (I have one foot on the ground) “So take them off. It’s for dress code. People can see you” Ate:  but it's literally a medical thing Tell them to actually fuck off hoh my god it's like asking a blind person to put their stick away bc people will trip on it or that you can't have your service dog with you like????

[illstaywithstray]

Request: Hello! May i request angsty fluff chan scenarios when he compared you to his ex? Thanks☺😘❤

note: THIS IS SO LATE I APOLOGIZE! also oof this was a tough one bc i feel like he wouldn’t do that, but testosterone is a funni chemical

xx

At first, being with Chris Bang made you feel like you were floating; you were constantly in this mood where it seemed like no one could bring you down. Because he was so damn perfect and you were falling head over heels. But for some reason, recently you were getting angrier and he was losing his patience more often and both of you were constantly on edge with each other. But you were still in love with this boy. And he was absolutely obsessed with you. But every time he would cancel plans, every single time he would ignore you because of some stupid fight, you felt like you were breaking apart when he either texted you something short and blunt or nothing at all. On several occasions, either you went too far or he went too far, and there would be a period of silence but no apology. There would just a silent hug or a peace offering like breakfast before he left. But then it was February, and Valentines Day and both of you were trying really hard to fix your relationship, and he was gushing about his plans and you were so so excited because this was the first time you guys were having a good time doing something together. And this boy, he kept telling you that he would pause all work for you. Even if JYP tried to drag his body to the rehearsal studio he wouldn't budge. Because

“Y/n, you're so important to me, above everything else. Trust me, this is gonna be huge.”

And you had smiled while your heart just melted because finally, finally you guys were mending things. And then it was Valentine’s Day. You got ready, taking the time to straighten and brush out your hair. You wore your favorite dress, the black satin one you had gotten on a trip to Milan. Your phone buzzed and you put on a coat while checking it. 

“cant make it. work. sorry”

The screen blurred as you fell back onto the couch. You could feel your heart pounding faster until your chest was tight and it hurt to breathe. You were just crying and crying and just absolutely broken. He knew, he fucking knew how much you had been looking forward to this. But he canceled with no explanation, no remorse. 

An hour passed and the phone rang. 

”Chan?”

“Hey y/n, it's actually Lucas? Lucas Wong? Uhh, we met when you came to our concert? NCT? Maybe you don't remember me? You know, like-”

“Ok, ok, sorry Lucas, I just thought you were Chan,” you said, laughing at your best friend. “God y/n, I thought you forgot me already. I was wondering if you were free right now?” “Yeah, I am” “Wanna go to the spot tonight?” “Yeah, pick me up? I’m pretty much ready” “Alright, see you in five”

You ignored the messages on your phone while flying out of the apartment into the cold night. Lucas looked up at you while you came down the stairs, looking away quickly. You paused as he opened the door for you, and glanced at his face. It was red. 

It was silent in the car till he started talking. 

“Well, you look nice, not gonna lie, and also Johnny’s on my ass for ditching practice for you tonight, so you better feel grateful, and also I brought a lot of food but let's eat it at the end this time”

“Okokok, hold on. Who was the one who threw up on the carousel last time? After chugging three sodas?” 

You glanced over at him and grinned while he just laughed.

“Ok stop exposing me, I'm supposed to be strong... like king kong”

“I know. And you are”

He glanced at you once, laughing quietly.

An hour later, you were both laughing your asses off. The spot was a place you and Lucas had stumbled upon a couple months ago. It was pretty much an abandoned circus, but the rides were intact. At night, the streetlamps lit up the entire place and it looked so ethereal with blushes of gold and red. The Ferris wheel was where you had kissed Lucas once upon a time.

“NO, WE LOST HIM” “I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT LUCAS” “Y/N I HAD TO” “WHY” “BECAUSE I HAD TO DEFEND YOUR HONOR” “SO YOU SHOVED A PIE IN A POLICE OFFICER’S FACE?” He sighed, slowing to a walk. “Don't question me y/n, my actions are pure instinct.” “If you say so Lucas. Ferris wheel now?” "Hell yeah, let's get it”

You clambered onto the small cart, with him sitting just opposite of you. The carts were small, so your knees rested against his. You both silently stared into the night. The ground became a haze as you stopped at the top. Roofs of buildings seemed so far away and car lights became little stars. 

“Y/n? Why are you alone?” “Hmm?” You glanced over at him, and now it looked like he hadn’t been looking at the buildings.

He’d been looking at you.

“What do you mean?” “I mean where’s Chan” “He’s busy, I guess practice went overtime today” “What practice?” “I'm pretty sure he was working on some dance, he had to help Jeongin learn the last few steps” “Then why’s this on Changbin’s story?” He pulled something up on his phone and turned the screen to face you. The room was dark and blasting music and members from a girl group were dancing with the guys from Stray Kids. Chan was with a short girl who looked like she was having the time of her life. You couldn’t really see his face because of the flashing lights. Felix yelled into the camera. 

“DAMN CHAN, YOU AlREADY HAVE Y/N-”

Before the video ended. You just stared at it, as it looped and played over and over again. Lucas pulled it away, and then turned off his phone and looked back at you. 

“I’m sorry” 

“How could he do this to me-,” you managed to get out before your vision began blurring. “Oh my god, he always does shit like this, I’m so-,” but Lucas refused to let you finish and smothered you in a hug. You were sobbing into his sweatshirt when the ride began going back down. 

The drive home was silent, but you were attached to Lucas’s arm, laying your head on his shoulder. As soon as you pulled into the driveway, you saw Chan sitting on the front steps, head in hands. There was a bouquet of roses sitting next to him. As soon as he heard the engine, he got to his feet and looked at you in the passenger's seat. Then his eyes went over to Lucas and back to your head laying on his shoulder. You could feel his anger through the door, but thanked Lucas for everything and got out. Chan stared at you and followed you in, ignoring the roses. 

“What the hell?”

“What?” You didn’t even look at him as he started looking you up and down and trying to process what he had seen.

“Y/n, why the hell were you with him? And while wearing that?”

“You’re such a hypocrite, you were literally fucking around with some girl. I saw Felix’s story”

“God, you can’t even trust me? She was forcing herself on me, not the other way around,” he ran his fingers through his hair angrily, “honestly, even h/e/n was less fucked up than you.”

You felt like you’d been slapped, while he realized what he had said. 

“Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant-” but you were already walking out.

You hurried down the stairs while he opened it and ran after you. You were in the middle of the road when he finally caught up, pulling your wrist back, moving you off the street.

“How many times Chan? How many fucking times are you gonna hurt me?” your voice was breaking.

His eyes turned sad. “Y/n, I’m sorry, that was such a stupid and unnecessary thing of me to say. I’m sorry that I didn’t explain anything, but I had practice and Felix decided to drag me to some party. I swear I wasn’t the one who texted you, it was one of the girls there. I know I screwed up, but I’m still in love with you, and you’re the only girl for me. I’m sorry I got mad about Lucas, but I trust you and I know he’s just a friend. I know we’re going through something, but I don’t want you to leave me.”

“I love you too and I’m not leaving,” was all you were able to say before his lips met yours.

[ivegotnothinginmybrain]

March 2019 was Iconic for

Me

I saw so many powerful women in concert & even got to meet some of them. On March 2nd, I saw the Aces . It was my first time seeing them live, since I missed them open for 5sos last year. It was amazing even tho Cristal & Katie were sick. I left right away and since half the girls were sick, i didn’t hear of anybody meeting them besides like 2 girls who met Katie. So t the sucky thing since it was a free show, there was no vip, which i probably would have gotten had it been a regular paid show. Hopefully i’ll meet them one day. I want to see them live again since they’re one of my fav bands. On March 15th, i had tickets and regular vip to see Sabrina Carpenter. I had met her once before when she came to my local radio station in early 2017 and then again (just a quick selfie) in nyc in dec 2017 after her pre show jingle ball performance. So i saw her in the jingle ball pre show in both 2016 and 2017 and counting the radio station thing this was technically my 3rd time meeting Sabrina and 4th time seeing her perform. Although this was my first time seeing an actual like full fledged performance though. She killed it. I had fun & sang my heart out lol. I love her sm. I was also in her group photo that she did after the show. On March 18th, i went to see the sweetener tour in Albany aka the first show of tour. I had upper level seats, but whatever I was happy to see Normani (my first time seeing her perform solo) and It was my 3rd time seeing Ariana. I was like legit in tears bc i’m so proud of Normani. Also i sang my heart out again bc i’m such a huge ariana stan. On March 22nd and i went to the local radio station to see Madison Beer & Zara Larsson. It was my 4th time meeting Madison & 2nd time seeing her live. (1st was at the same station when she came to support her (ex Jack G) 2nd (just a selfie) was in nyc when she was with the jacks again after their pre show jingle ball performance in 2016. Then the 3rd time was dec 2018 i met her before her own performance at the jingle ball pre show. Now she finally came to my local station. I was hype bc i love her music, but i admit i got nervous bc shes sooo pretty. I was so happy i won passes to see Zara because i’ve been a fan of years & i was hoping to get my vinyl signed (and thankfully she did sign it) she was literally the sweetest human being and was blowing kisses to me and my friend as we were leaving. I had round 2 of sweetener tour on March 30th. My home show, but i was upper level again because these tickets were double the price of albany, but since this arena was smaller... i was a bit closer.. plus in albany i had my old iphone 6s still, while now i have the iphone xr. So you can def see the difference in the photos. I decided to say screw it and get vip for normani tho on the 30th. I haven’t met her since like 2015 when 5h was still together so honestly i deserved. Plus taxes are coming soon. Honestly probably one of my fav m&g’s ever(besides my baby being sick so she was kinda on vocal rest) but anyways if anyone actually read this long ass post or wants to talk more about my experiences feel free to hmu. Check out some of the photos i attached below. If anyone wants to see my m&g photos i can give u my twitter or instagram

[fmdminji]

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ hello, sweet loves ! guess who ?? it’s 𝐑𝐘𝐀𝐍 and i’m back at it again with a second muse, and to some of you, she may seem familiar at first glance ! so, without further ado, i’d like to introduce you to my beautiful babe, 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐉𝐈, wish’s leader, and main vocal. i’ve based her slightly on my first ever muse in this group, yeo yeoreum, but i’ve updated her, and revised her, so that she’s more well-rounded in my eyes ! below the cut, you’ll be able to find a tl;dr version of her biography, some fun facts that weren’t mentioned in her bio, as well as some plot ideas ! if you’re interested in writing with us, don’t forget to 𝐏𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 in the corner so i can message you. love you all v much !

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ BIOGRAPHY HIGHLIGHTS !

born in seoul, south korea to a single mother in seoul, south korea, minji’s upbringing wasn’t like many others in her class. she, her grandmother, and her mother all lived in a two bedroom apartment, and while the two women in her life worked hard to provide a great life for her, she was often dragged along to both of their jobs; finding a deep love for books, films, and television dramas, from a young age ! after all, she had to find little ways to entertain herself, so when she wasn’t keeping her nose tucked between the pages of a novel, she was lost in a land of fantasy; one where she was often the princess, and she was being rescued by a prince — a man that would save her from this lonesome upbringing. her obsession with romance started at an alarmingly early age, and by the time she was eight, she found herself filling up pages of diaries with love letters to boys in her class; keeping all of them a deep-dark secret from everyone !

however, when she was about to go and give her most coveted crush a valentine she’d saved a lot of money ( you know, a lot of money for an elementary schooler ) to buy, she was interrupted by another girl who, essentially, swooped in and stole her man, hah. the amount of jealousy and rage that flooded through her in that moment was so immense that, even to this day, those feelings of jealousy and wrath ( two of the deadliest sins to exist ) still have never left her, and unfortunately, they’re two of her most fatal flaws. that, and well, being almost desperate for a chance to fall in love with someone.

her teenage years were fairly mild, too, but every time she became entangled in a loving romance, she’d ruin it time after time for being controlling, possessive, and jealous, and it was hard for her to not only keep love interests for long periods of time, but her friends often found her hard to be around, too. her emotions were intense, and to be honest, all of them would find her exhausting to be around after awhile. so, even though she was able to make friends, they often left her alone, too, and the reason she was so attached to keeping men in her life is because she’s never had a father, nor any positive male influence, in her whole life. so, she uses romance as something to fill this void inside her.

though, when she was fourteen, she went with her mother to see a concert of decipher’s — a new boy group who had just débuted. they became her latest obsession, and her mom used money she’d saved up to treat her daughter to a day of fun together. though, while there, she was decided by bc entertainment scouts. her beauty is what made her standout, but when she auditioned, they realized she had a big voice, but little to no idea how to use it. so, after a private audition, they offered her a trainee spot.

her trainee experience was... rough. during this process, she learned to better control her voice, and she even picked up on how to play the piano pretty well, but after awhile, she got a bit bored with everything, so she made the bold decision to ignore the dating ban put in place and start playing the field. this is when she met her first love ( wanted connection ! ) and they began a relationship together that lasted a good while. he was in line to début in knight, and she was set to join the group now known as lipstick, but while the girls’ lineup was being finalized, they caught onto the two of them, and her punishment was that she wouldn’t début as lipstick’s lead vocal, as she was once told. they also forced her to end the relationship she was in, and her heart was broken.

so, in bc she remained, and she learned a lot about herself in those moments. not only did she get into trouble for even being in a relationship, but her jealousy continued to rise up back then, too, and she’d bully her fellow trainees — really, anyone who even dared to talk to her now ex-boyfriend while they were dating. deciding that she needed to focus on herself and her career so she could help her mother and grandmother out in the future, she quit screwing around and got to work, and later went on to début as wish’s main vocalist, and leader.

things started out well, but a few years in, she was beginning to realize that, while many of the other girls in her group were gaining traction and immense popularity, she was somehow falling behind. with hana now starring in dramas, sooyeon releasing tons of solo material, and now june about to make a solo début, too, her jealous rage is kicking in again. she went from a loving leader to someone that’s overwhelmed with envy for her own members, lol. so, that’s where she’s at now... wanting to kill all the girls in her own group that are more popular while she slowly starts to compete with them.

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ FUN LITTLE FACTOIDS !

as mentioned before, minji knows how to play the piano, and towards the end of her trainee years, she began writing her own little songs for fun; she has a few done and complete. she doesn’t really think she’s much of a composer / producer, no, but she aspires to write her own solo music when the time comes for her to make a début.

ever since wish was able to make their own individual social media accounts, she’s taken that allowance in stride, and has become quite popular on instagram ! she not only posts beautifully edited photos of herself, and her surroundings, but she’s also known to post acoustic, piano-led covers of songs she loves.

she currently feels as though she’s not getting as many lines on wish’s tracks as she was in the beginning, and hates that she’s really only there to hit all the high notes and call it a day, lol. she wants to be trusted with more than what she’s given, tbh.

not very surprisingly, she’s been involved in a few dating scandals in her past career, but shockingly, they weren’t true, and since her début, she hasn’t really had a serious bf.

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ LITTLE LIST OF PLOT IDEAS !

as denoted above, i’d looove to see her first love plot taken up ! i’ve envisioned the spot being taken by a member of knight, especially if they trained in bc from 2009-2012. they débuted first, so bc wasn’t able to truly punish them as badly as they were able to punish her. however, if you’re interested in this plot, and your muse isn’t a member of knight, but instead a member of charm, we can try to make that work somehow, too !

also mentioned above, she was a bit of an asshole to other girls while she trained from 2009-2012, and she softened slightly from 2012-2015. i’d love to see a plot where your muse was one of those girls she was really harsh to, and she’s had to try to make amends to her for it. in my eyes, this plot would make most sense if your muse is a member of lipstick, but we can see if we can make it work if your muse is in wish, too !

additionally, i’d love for her to have a best friend — male, female, or whatever else. this is someone who isn’t afraid to call her out when she’s acting like a brat, and though she gets so frustrated by that, she also appreciates it a whole helluva lot. their relationship will be really sweet, and they’ll be almost brutally honest with each other, but everything said is only out of love and respect, as they’d never want to truly wound one another.

i’d geek out really hard if like, your muse ( a member of decipher ) just so happened to be minji’s bias in the group, as she’s an avid fan, and she has a mad crush on them, and they either exploit how she feels about them and toy around with her, or they just avoid her at all costs because she’s... a bit much for them. that, or really, we can discuss other options if those two things wouldn’t fit your muse. i just think it’d be fun !

it’s no secret that my bbg loves love, and at one point in time, she became curious to know if she was interested in women, too. she tried to date your muse ( female-locked ) for awhile, but it didn’t work out, so she ended up breaking up with them. it could’ve ended really horribly and your muse hates her now, or they could be good friends. it’s up to your and how your muse would react to being led on by a confused straight girl.

being that minji dabbles in writing her own lyrics and playing the piano, i’d looove for her to have a producer friend, or partner of sorts, that’d start a soundcloud account with her. they’d release their own lo-fi, soft songs there, whether they be solos or duets, and it’d just be a really creative, fun-loving relationship. this could lead to a romance, or they could just remain close friends and creative partners; either option is fine with me !

speaking of romance: i’d love some people who really love playing with her heart, or who just use her for sex, and run the fuck away from her when she gets too attached.

the flip-side of that: i’d love for a guy, or girl really, to be really interested in her, but she’s too blind to see it, and instead, using them as like, a personal diary and spills all of her feelings to them about other people all the time. she doesn’t realize they have feelings for her, and it kills them when she talks about other people all the time, but they’re too afraid to really say anything to her rip.

i’d also like for her to have some lowkey fwb relationships, too. i just can’t promise that she won’t daydream about getting married to your muses, but you know... lol.

additionally, if you’re interested in discussing a more personalized, end-game romance plot that’s a slower burn, or something that burns up a little fast and they’re now stuck in a mess together, or whatever else, i’m open for discussions too ! don’t be afraid to let me know and we can talk about it a lot more !

[yunogf]

what were all the jaehyun dreams about? I've never had a jaehyun dream rip

i usually dont idk whats been going on w my hippocampus lately maybe she's preparing me for smth she knows i cant handle 🥴

but the first one was the other ilichil neos trying to set me up w jaehyun bc they knew i had a crush on him but he was hung up on his ex Martha (?lmao???) &still had pictures of her everywhere &every time i tried to flirt or strike up a convo he'd be like i rmbr when martha used to talk to me 😔💔

then i dreamt i went to a 127 concert w my bestie chloe &jaehyun pulled me up on stage &kept coming over to my section like he was soooo obsessed w me 💅 but then i had a separate dream abt being outside the venue after a 127 concert &i was talking to friends abt it &jaehyun was outside &heard me?? so he asked me smth abt the concert but before we could rly talk a fistfight broke out in the crowd &everyone started running &i lost him 😩

last night i dont rly rmbr all of them bc they kinda bled together but ik jaehyun &i were in a store trying to buy a xmas gift for johnny chxjck <3

[fearlesslyenchantedinwonderland]

Taylor Swift - Fearless Album Song Ranking

For this album ranking, I decided to split the album up into tiers based on which songs I would put near one another to help decide where they line up. I wrote about the songs in reverse order (from what you will read it) and I help explain why I rank each song the way I do. (I don’t make as much sense on the higher ranked songs)

Tier 1: 

I hate when people have singles as their fav song, and it hasn’t always been this way, but these songs have tested time, I love when she performs them, the music videos bring back so many memories, and even just my own discovery of the song they are amazing.

Love Story

Ok, maybe I'm biased atm bc I haven’t stopped listening to Love Story recently because of the video of Shawn at her show. But… it’s so good. The more I like a song the more difficult it becomes to explain why. I’ve always loved the story of Romeo and Juliet. The instrumentation is beautiful. The music video. Ugh I can’t, everything about this song is great. Never stop believing in love, it might not be like the storybooks but that doesn’t mean portions can’t be, or maybe, maybe, it can be even better than you imagined?

Fearless

Ugh. This song is everything. This song is what I want in a first love, there are so many small things that I love about this song, the rain on the pavement, have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE petrichor? This song makes me think of a running on a spiral staircase in a long dress. Capture it. Remember it. Fearless.  Fearless and Speak Now were really important albums to me, in part because they motivated me to live that way.

You Belong With Me

The thing that’s funny about this album is I think it has some of the most memorable music videos, and yet at the same time, I am able to remember my own visuals (or at least some) of the album before the video came out. That’s the one downside of music videos is sometimes I think our minds can be flooded by an artists visuals and forget our own. This is such a fun song, the music video is amazing. Now I’m thinking of Taylor walking back to the stage from the B-stage during Speak Now Tour.

White Horse

I received this album as a Christmas present, per typical, after everyone opened their presents my family goes its separate ways and mulls over their gifts. I put this album and listened to this song on the stereo. I remember acting out each of these songs, but I can vividly remember portions of this song, being on the stairs (I still sort of do this when I’m listening to music - like I’ll make up a music video in my mind, or a dance routine, pretend I’m on stage)

Tier 2:

Breathe

This song is difficult to listen to, at one point I made the connection to the lyrics it feels like I just lost a friend, and I’ve never been the same. I’ve been through many ups and downs with these friends, these friends I also went through loving Taylor together, that slowly faded and I guess so did our friendship. Sometimes it feels like it's in flames even though one of them I haven’t talked to in a year. The tricky thing is that we're still family friends so it’s likely I’ll see them again and that’s rough. (I can’t continue, but I have come to the realization that it wasn’t just their fault, and I probably hurt them along the way, and I think that was important).(ugh now I’m finishing the song because sometimes I just wish there were answers, but like the song says wishing there was a clean break)

You’re Not Sorry

This song is a song to have a break down to. I know I have before. wow. Lol lyrically I didn’t think tier two had any similarities but wow they do and I don’t want to go any more in depth than I did in my description for breathe.

Tier 3:

Fifteen

Ahhh fifteen. I love the storytelling in this song. This song has been through a lot. This song was one of the first songs I heard before it was on the internet, oh the days when she had unreleased songs that she would play. This song came out at a time where I got to live listening to this on my first day of high school, the day I turned fifteen, and to hear it in concert when I was fifteen. "Dancing around the room when the night ends” what a beautiful lyric. lol still waiting for that first kiss tho 7 years later.

Change

At one point I this was my favorite song off of the album. Oh, and did I love singing the hallelujahs at the end. I was so proud of Taylor for this being an Olympic song.

Forever & Always

I mean… if you aren’t thinking of Joe when you are listening to this song you are doing it wrong. It was iconic, at the same time I wonder if she regrets outing him. But I’m glad that out of all her exes it was him, he took it like a sport, I mean yes he has a song too, but I think they would both be over that at this point. Also, this song was clearly written out of rage and in her later albums we see how much she cared about him. I never thought about this before but I wonder if Joe was her first love, I know she was with people in high school, but (Lol when you contradict this with her feeling invisible in her first album I always find it funny, because in my last review I mentioned that I never really felt alone or like an outsider but I’ve never even been asked out). I love the visuals that come to mind when I think of this song. Additionally, I think of the red chairs and better than revenge.

Hey Stephen

Hey Stephen used to be one of my top songs off of this album. It makes me think of her jumping on the bed like in the booklet… It’s a really sweet song. But sonically, it doesn’t stand out like it use to. If I had a crush I would probably be eating up this song.

Tier 4:

 I feel like with every album there are similar sounding songs found in the meat of the album that tends to get forgotten over time…for fearless it’s these next two songs. I like both of these songs but sometimes I forget about them. One thing that I love about these songs is they are the ones that you could scream, yell and cry to. It brings an additional dimension besides a fairytale that may or may not come true and the ramifications of that.

The Way I Loved You

This song is ranked higher because socially it gives more of a punch. I like the dimension of who he appears to be versus what is actually happening behind the scenes when it’s just the two of them. But also her liking the turbulence of the relationship because there was intensity maybe there was fighting but there was also a passion. Now it clean cut and they’re going through the ropes but it’s not what she loves about him.

Tell Me Why

I received Fearless as a Christmas gift the year it came out and I always remember having this song stuck in my head during the car ride home from my grandmas, but because it was a cd (and if I had an iPod at that time I probs couldn’t transfer the songs till I got home) I couldn’t listen to it. I was stating some of the lyrics to my mom and I remember her being surprised by the intensity of the song. I also really like the visuals in the album booklet for this song. That was one thing I always loved about her albums.

The Best Day

This has always been my least favorite song on the album, you’ll find a theme of my lower ranked songs because I feel like they have this same style to them. This song is important though, it is very sweet, very personal. It gives us as fans an insight into Taylor’s life, but more importantly, it’s Taylor giving her heart and her thanks to her Mom.

————

I didn't include deluxe songs in this ranking because they came out months later and I view them as a separate entity. I don’t listen to them as often since they’re not connected with my original album but I think all of the songs would rank in the second tier.

Ranking 

1. Love Story

2. Fearless

3. You Belong With Me

4. White Horse

5. Breathe

6. You’re Not Sorry

7. Fifteen 

8. Change

9. Forever and Always

10. Hey Stephen

11.The Way I Loved You

12. Tell Me Why

13. The Best Day

Album Ranking Masterlist 

[gibbyj]

goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.

[werewolf-fucker]

1-100

Is a kiss considered cheating?

- oh hell yeah 

Have you ever faked orgasm?

-sadly 

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?

- i think its going to be a miracle if im alive in 7-8-9 years 

Tell us some funny drunk story.

- one time i got too high and i tried to pass the bowl to a frog beside me 

Why are you no longer together with your ex?

- ah she cut it off but i was respectful of her decision 

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? 

-oh shit i would love to be blasted into space 

Do you like someone?

- we shall see 

Who was the last person to disappoint you?

- my damn self 

Do you like your body?

- depends on the dysphoria 

Can you keep a diet?

- nah stoned me has no rules 

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?

- ditch the white people! 

Do you work?

- sadly 

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?

- anything alyssas mom cooks 

Would you get a tattoo?

- i have two! 

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?

- my friends and trasnition

Can you drive?

- im the only one of my friends that does 

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?

-all of my friends are saps so we say it all the time

What was the last thing you cried for?

- uh we ran out of skim milk at work and i just lost it 

Is life fun?

- can be with the right people 

Is farting in front of people irrelevant?

- u just gotta know how to pull it off 

What’s your dream car?

- small truck/ something with room 

Are grades in school important?

- hell yeah if u want to do more stuff with ur life 

Describe your crush.

- listens well, affectionate, funny, idk im an easy date man 

What was your last lie?

- im gonna go to bed early 

Dumbest lie you ever told? 

- ONE TIME MY SISTER FOUND MY VIBRATOR SO I HAD TO TELL HER IT WAS AN “oil paint spreader” AND THATS HONESTLY THE STUPIDEST THING TO COME OUT OF MY MOUTH BUT SHE BOUGHT IT 

Is crying in front of people embarrassing?

- for me yeah but not for other people

Something you did and you are proud of?

- i did a still life a little while ago and i really like how it turned out 

What’s your favourite cocktail?

- whiskey ginger! 

Something you are good at?

- fuckin up lol 

Do you like small kids?

- I hate babies but i love hanging out with 3+ yr olds 

How are you feeling right now?

- could be better 

What would you name your daughter/son?

- im naming my next cat Beau

What do you need to be happy?

- good friends, my plants, my animals

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?

- dumbasses at work and jazzercise lady 

What was the last gift you received?

- someone gave me a cookie today lol

What was the last gift you gave?

- i sent u a package!!

What was the last concert you went to?

- tbh havent been to one in forever 

Favourite place to shop at?

- i like thrift stores and little unique shops 

Who inspires you?

- anyone who knows what theyre doing 

How old were you when you first got drunk?

-16 i think 

How old were you when you first got high?

- like 15-16

How old were you when you first had sex?

- 14

When was your first kiss?

- 8

Something you want to do until the end of this year?

- idk if i get this one 

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?

- legit just erase years 9-15

Post a selfie.

- in a separate post 

Who are you most comfortable around?

- probably @wild-wild-wonder or @gnomepapi

Name one thing that terrifies you.

- heights, fuckin hate them

What kind of books do you read?

- as cheesy as it sounds i like good ol YA novels 

What would you tell your 12 year old self?

- boys aint shit and just talk to people 

What is your favourite flower?

- bearded irises! 

Any bad habits you have?

- use weed as a coping mechanism so i do that wayyyy too much 

What kind of people are you attracted to?

- anyone whos into me tbh 

What was the last thing you cried for?

- skim milk and my parents kicking me out (its all good now) 

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?

- fuckin hate eggs and tomatoes 

Are you in love?

- im an ENFP and a sagittarius dude im always in love 

How long was your longest relationship? 

- 2 years 

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?

- rampant misogyny, toxic masculinity, violence in general 

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 

- straight women

What are you saving money for?

- to move out soon 

How would you describe your bad side?

- whiny bitchass who cant deal with shit like a normal person 

Are you actually a good person? Why?

- idk if truly good people exist but ive done too much bad shit to be one of them 

What are you living for?

- a new easel and the opportunity to use it 

Have you ever done anything illegal?

- LMAO yes 

Do you like your body?

- i love some parts of it and some parts i dont 

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?

- oh hell yeah

Ever sent nudes?

- yep

Have you ever cheated on someone?

- yep, not proud but yep

Favourite candy?

- kitkat!

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

- i follow over a thousand people on this hell site man idk what’s even happening 

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?

- i play OW on pc a little but i suck at it lol 

Are you religious? Does God exist?

- oh god exists, he fucking hates me 

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?

- its cool just dont be preachy about it and get pissed when others arent 

How long have you been on Tumblr?

- like 4 or 5 years 

Do you like Chineese food?

- fave kind

McDonalds or Subway?

- subway but only from the one near my highschool where the dude gives me free food 

Vodka or whiskey?

- both 

Alcohol or drugs?

- both

Ever been out of your province/state/country?

- i try to make it canada once a year! my dads family is up there so i like to see them 

Meaning behind your blog name?

- it might be bc i fuck werewolves but idk 

What are you scared of?

- my boss cutting my pay to 2.25 bc she’s mad at us 

Last time you were insulted?

- today lol

Most traumatic experience ?

- yeaaahhhhh thats not happening 

Favourite app on your phone?

- tumblr consumes my life as always 

What colour are the walls in your room?- white man i live in an apartment 

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?

- i love cryaotic! his voices puts me to sleep 

Share your favourite quote.

- i cant remember anything my dude 

Do you like horror movies?

- i like horror i just fucking hate jump scares 

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?

- yeah i told her i was gay 

Do you feel lucky or special in a way?

- i love my friends and i feel incredibly lucky to know them 

Can you keep a secret?

- idk can i