#bc then I’ll get sad and do the whole ‘oh my life could have been better if I’d spent it here.’

[floral-hex]

going through old letters and cards today to see what I can throw away, mail I received when I lived in New York and never remembered to go through again until now, and I kept finding a) old school photos of my brothers, & b) letters my youngest brother wrote to me while I lived away from home, and… oof. I’m glad no one was around because I criiiiiiieeeeed so hard. Had to step away for awhile.

[sntafe]

i want to know more about your davey. what makes him tick! what music do you think he’d listen to! what are his pastimes and hobbies and what makes him like them so much!! PLEASEEE rant about your davey i love him!!

- @we-are-inevitable ✨

OH MY GOD. YES. OKAY. you just opened pandora’s box you have no clue. (btw most of this is based on my tattoo au although a lot of this stuff is just stuff i have connected to davey no matter the au)

okay. so. my davey is a high school english teacher and i think something that makes him really upset is when he sees his good students start skipping, not paying attention, etc. while i don’t think this would make him tick per say, i do think it would def make him anxious and on edge. he would absolutely come home and rant to jack about how he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong and how he’s worried about them and how he wishes he can do more but all he is an english teacher. (and jack would assure him that he’s doing more than enough and just being there and noticing these things is all some kids need) (but davey would def pull them aside in class and just talk to them like they’re humans bc he knows some teachers treat their students as children and they hate that. so he will just talk and try to pick their brains and help them in literally whatever way he can)

MUSIC. okay so davey definitely tries a TON of different genres simply because he is curious and he wants to hear it all. (he wants to experience every bit of life that he can and that includes different genres of music.) at the end of the day tho he’s a slut for sad queer indie pop: hozier, lucy dacus, and kevin atwater are his favs. (i could go on a whole different rant about how davey coded some of kevin atwater’s songs are but i’ll refrain for now.) he grew up listening to billy joel and still listens to him when he’s feeling particularly nostalgic or homesick. the album “the stranger” is one of his favorites in the entire world. his parents had it on record, and one year in middle school for his birthday he was gifted a record player, so he was playing that shit NONSTOP. to read to, to study to, to hangout to, etc. les used to come and sit in davey's room while he was doing domestic tasks, like cleaning or homework, so les now has attached that album to davey. (they get a tattoo for vienna, their fav song on the album—davey gets “slow down, you’re doing fine” on his left forearm and les gets “you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time” on his right forearm) (done by jack of course)

jack listens to more alternative stuff, and although it’s not something davey listens to on his own, he finds himself humming along to the pierce the veil and green day songs on jack’s playlist 

as far as hobbies and stuff, obviously he reads. he’s always been an avid reader because he loves to get lost in other worlds and he likes to learn about things that he otherwise wouldn’t have had the opportunity to. he gets into reading slumps around midterms and finals because he’s grading sooooo many papers but like as SOON as that’s over he falls back into finishing a novel in a couple days and he absolutely loves it. it’s just so… refreshing in a way. (sometimes, when he’s particularly missing jack, he’ll go and just sit at the tattoo shop and read. he’s content to simply be in the same space with jack and he also loves sneaking glimpses of jack working.)

he also absolutely loves to cook. he grew up often helping his mother in the kitchen, so he’s sort of always loved it. once he moved out and began living by himself he found a whole new appreciation for it. it’s his way to decompress at the end of the day and … in a way food is his language?? like he will make meals based on what he’s feeling. if he’s really happy he doesn’t mind making something that takes a while. it’ll be bright and fresh. if he’s had a particularly rough day though, he’ll throw something frozen in the oven and call it a day. (over time, jack slowly realizes this, and can gauge what davey needs based on what he says they’re having for dinner. for example; if davey’s just making something frozen, jack will give him an extra long hug and force him to take a hot shower in order to relax. jack often takes over “cooking” on these days)

don’t even play on his animal crossing island. he likes the domestic video games with goals that he can take at any speed simply because they’re relaxing and cozy. he loves making his island all organized and pretty 

meanwhile jack is like begging for the switch to play mario kart 

thank you for letting me rant GOD I LOVE DAVID JACOBS if there’s anything else you want me to yap about PLEASE ask!!!

@we-are-inevitable :)

[pseudowho]

hi Haitch, its relationship anon again 🤡🫶🏻

Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your kindness and advice! You’re helping me stay level headed here and not become delusional.

Okay now onto the tea-

Following last week’s little club moment, things went (briefly) downhill. I decided to be an adult and take a break from the female friend that I mentioned in the last update. She proceeded to go around our workplace and tell EVERYONE, including one of our managers, that I was mad at her. I was trying really hard to involve everyone else in my business and it really upset me that she did this. In addition to that, I had to take my sister to the ER on Monday and had an incredibly difficult cardiac test on Tuesday, so a bitch was going through it.

When I got out of my clinical on Wednesday, I was exhausted but I really wanted to see my male friend before he left. Was I exhausted both emotionally and physically? Yes. Had I been running around trying to help one patient with Afib and another who needed a midline placement ? Uh huh. A girl just needed some ice cream and to hang out with her favorite a loser.

So, I asked him if he wanted to get ice cream and he said yes :). I showered and put on the most causal outfit possible. My sister asked if I was goin to get more dress up to which I was like “no I just off a 12 hour shift, he should be happy I’m even leaving the house.”.

Anyways! We didn’t end up doing ice cream bc I was nervous, but we instead went out to get drinks with one of our other male friends. I didn’t have to be DD so I was able to actually get somewhat drunk (which was super needed after this week) and my loser was taking care of me. Our other friend kept making excuses to get up and walk away from our table so just the two of us could talk.

Some highlights:

•He was teasing me about falling at work. When I asked him how he knew, he said “I ask about you, duh”

•The way we were sitting, our legs were pressed up against each other. If he moved his legs, he’d still find away to make sure they were touching mine.

•I was showing him my Choso costume and he said “oh you’d look so good in that” and told me he’s going to try to come down for Halloween. I told him that if he came down, I’d dress up as Yuki so he can be Choso. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to show him my sexy Choso costume and then not wear it for him.

•Told me he wanted me to come visit him when I have time off from school, but he understood if I can’t.

•I was talking about cigarettes after sex and he said he knew maybe one song. I got all excited (drunk) and asked him which one. He looked at me and told me it was the one on his sex playlist and then said he was sad that I didn’t save his playlist. I told him I’d save his if he’d save mine.

•I showed our friend a shirt that said “don’t let my big tits scare you, I’m actually a nice person” and I said that I want it, but mine would have to do say moderately sized. My loser said “oh they’re more than moderately sized” (thank you for noticing 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️)

•He was taking really good care of me and was constantly asking me how I was feeling.

•We decided it was a good idea to look up nsfw anime figures and I was pretty much leaning on him as he showed me them and we kept reading each other about them.

•When we were leaving, we hugged for a hot minute and he told me to text him as soon as I got home. When I did, we talked for a bit, but he told me that I really needed to get some sleep.

Nothing too crazy happened, but I’m still calling this a somewhat success! I didn’t get my back blown out but I think I’ll survive 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Okay. It's clear. You don't need this tacky 'friend' in your life at all. They're a whole bucket of shit. You're undoubtedly younger than me, but I assure you, in just a few short years you, too, will be ruthless about cutting out shitty people like this from your life.

At this point, Relationship Anon, you and this guy are two dolls that I'm floating towards each other, and I'm about to make you kiss.

He has a more than moderately sized boner for you.

He want you.

*spinning like a fucking top here*

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

I was just doing my nightly routine of “sad emo depressed “you can’t fix a broken heart”🖤🥀” music so I can sleep like a new born baby

Me after my “sad emo depressed “you can’t fix a broken heart”🖤🥀” music

And then it occurred to me that these two songs are so insanely Y/N and Megumi coded I feel the need to explain it right now.

I just threw out the love of my dreams - weezer:

This is Y/Ns literal anthem idec. Sure to me when I just listen to the song I typically feel like it’s more about a breakup since it says “I just threw out the love of my dreams” and “want for him to stay” as in hes leaving bc they aren’t tgth anymore but flip it and reverse it and you get a whole new meaning, if you focus on different words. The first line imma focus on is “never before have I felt this way” well we know that for a fact Why Enn(Y/N I’ll do anything but call Y/N Y/N these days‼️)is literally emotionally constipated like she’s unable to work out why they feels the way they do because they’ve never felt that way before about anyone, esp someone they’re meant to hate. And let’s go back a little to the start of the song when it says “I’m so tall can’t get over me I’m so low can’t get under me” and “I must be made of steel” they also really represent Why Enn and again, they’ve been emotionally inept thus far, they’re a stubborn person and they stand their ground, people can’t move them yk? And then the “for I just threw out the love of my dreams” if we take this in a new light, look at it differently, Why Enn knows deep down they like megumi but they refuse to admit this fact and that’s leading to complications in their current relationship which could COULD ultimately wedge a gap between them. Also the “even though my love is a world a way” is kinda megumi coded bc Why Enn be so delusion I think they be living on planet zog Gaddamn🙏😭

I don’t smoke - Mitski

Again, the meaning of this song is absolutely not this, but idk music is music and I’d be damned if it wasn’t up for interpretation. Anyway this song is the EPITOME of megumi for many reasons, first the most obvious part of the song “if you need to be mean be mean to me” this is megumi coded bc he literally didn’t care WHAT Why Enn did to him so long as they acknowledged him, he also just wanted to help them the best he could. Another part of this song is “being with you makes the flame burn good” again, so megumi, bc as I already mentioned he would do anything at one point so long as they acknowledge him. Another line, tbh all of them show the same thing bc that’s kinda what the song is about “you can lean on my arm as you break my heart” again, being told by the “love of your life” (quotes bc at this point it wasn’t set in stone) to not play a joke on them is pretty painful but he still took it and literally bounced back yk like a king🙏🙏

Okay anyway i think this should be more of a message to me bc instead of putting this much analysis into a song why don’t i do this for my literature revision‼️‼️🤣🤣🤣🙁 sorry for the long ask I needed to get this out into the world (or onto smth just out of my head)

BAE BAE BAE BAE COLLAPSES TO MY KNEES AND HAS A HEART ATTACK OH MY GODDDD UR FUCKING MIND????? THE WAY THESE R SO ACCURATE ??? i adore u . i adore when people psychoanalyze and assign characters or situations songs i’m going to eat ur brain . i was hyped and nodding and agreeing the whole time i was reading this… thank u…

[softxsuki]

hi!!! can I put in a request for the Valentine’s day Letter Event? I would like it to be with Pro Hero! Bakugo, where it’s platonic bc i’m lonely on Valentine’s day :( but we’re really close and he always calls me baby. I would like it to be comforting bc i’m always worried im never gonna find anyone for me, and I want Bakugo to reassure me that it’ll happen one day. Location: we are roommates and he left the letter for me before he went to work. Other info: he’s 23 and i’m 21 and always rant to him about not having anyone to love or to love me and it makes me sad, and he knows this so he just tries to be there for me. Thank you so much!! <3

Bakugou's Platonic Letter To His Roommate

Valentine's Day Letter Event pt.2 (CLOSED)

Pairing: Bakugou x Gn!Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: feeling lonely (mood)

Genre: comfort

Post-Type: Letter

Word Count: 510

Summary: In which your roommate and friend, Bakugou leaves you an encouraging letter for valentine's day so you don't feel lonely

[A/N: I love writing for Bakugou, so this was fun! I hope you enjoy it. From one lonely person to the next, you're definitely not alone. We're all out here lonely, looking for comfort from out fav anime characters. Love that for us. <3]

Oh Valentine’s Day–A day that’s supposed to be full of love and positive vibes from the people around you who love you, yet here you were, very much single.

You envied the people around you who had a love life and someone to expect things from on Valentine’s Day. Was it too much to ask for just someone to hug and call your own on this day? Yet you had no one.

Or so you thought.

You were surprised to see a letter hung on the front door as you were about to leave, addressed to you. It could be from no one other than your roommate and close friend, Bakugou–also known as Pro Hero Dynamight.

You grab the letter and start to read it;

Y/N,

I’m only writing you this stupid letter because I know you’ll probably wake up feeling sad today, well not on my watch. Happy Valentine’s Day, baby. And no I’m not about to confess to you or anything gross like that, you’re like a younger sibling to me.

Anyway, I know how badly you want to find a partner in life. Someone you can call your own and have to celebrate on days like these. You tell me any chance you get how lonely you are and how desperate you are to find someone in your life. I get it. Life can get lonely, but you’ll find someone eventually.

The right person is out there looking for you as well, you just have to be patient and wait for them to appear. And I hope you know that whoever you meet has to go through me. If they can’t handle me then they can’t handle anyone.

In the meantime though, I’ll be here for you. I hope you appreciate that, I don’t go around saying that to everyone. I’ll bring you back some flowers…gosh I’m going to regret saying that after reading all the headlines of love scandals. Jeez, the things I do for you.

Keep your head up, and look forward to the Valentine’s Day you’ll have one day with the right person by your side. That day will come, I promise.

Alright, I’ll see you tonight. I’m on patrol duty until late, but I’ll stop by and get us some dinner too, so don’t cook.

Love,

Katsuki

The guy was a total brute at times, and wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind, especially if you annoyed him, but you were grateful to have him. Especially on a day like today. He’s always lent you his ear even if it looked like he wasn’t actually listening, he listened to every complaint you had.

Every word you’d ever uttered to him was important and he just proved that.

Maybe this wasn’t your time to have a partner, but there was still a whole year ahead of you with many possibilities.

You’d definitely have to thank Bakugou when he came home. Without his letter you would have been miserable all day. At least now you had something to look forward to; flowers and free dinner :D

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

Posted: 2/14/2023

[celestie0]

your favorite characters from attack on titan? and why?

oh em gee 🧚‍♀️✨ i will gladly n excitedly answer this question (spoilers below cut)

i’ll do a top three lol

my fave character in the whole series was hange :””) i lovveeddd them from the very beginning when i watched aot s1 in 2013 so its been a decade long love ✋🏼😩 i cried so hard during s4 pt3 :””) but yeee i just adore the nerdy scientific characters that aren’t scared of the imminent threat of the verse but rather intrigued and curious to almost a point of insanity lol. but i think the hange scene i loved the most was during midnight sun (BEST AOT EP EVER I’LL DIE ON THIS HILL) is when mikasa is terrified of armin not being the one they bring back to life n hange says something like “there are people that i wish i could bring back too” 😭😭 idk that scene hit me rly hard n really quantified the amt of loss in aot i think

my second save character is reiner >:3 bc he’s so babygirl n i wanna make him my housewife. LOL jk naw but i HATED that man s2-s3 bc his whole multiple personality thing was such bullshit like 🙄 ok so you’ve killed sm of my fave characters but you’re still acting like a good guy??? go fuck yourself dude. BUT i started to get intrigued by his character when he was so committed to giving ymir’s letter to christa during shiganshina arc in s3 pt2…and then s4 rolled around and i fell IN LOVE W HIM. he was the only marleyan side warrior eldian that showed the right amount of remorse for what they did on paradis island, and although his backstory is so sad n its obv not his fault he was groomed into a war machine at such a young age, it was nice that isayama made him so guilty to the point of suicidal ideation. and he pulled THROUGGGH during the finale omg the scene where jean held onto him and said he is also a scout☝🏼😭 fuck yeah. also i’d like to impregnate him

my third fave character UUGHHH ITS TOO HARD THERES SO MANY but honestly i just have to say eren. i have soooo many mixed opinions ab eren’s character i could talk ab his character for HOURRSS but s1-3 eren was my BABY. my SON. MY SUGAR PLUM PUMPY UMPY UMPKIN. i mean he was pretty generic shonen protagonist coded lol but he was just such a sweetheart that was so hotheaded n determined to take care of the ppl he loved. it was always so easy to empathize w him on so many fronts n i love characters like that. however his character took an interesting turn in s4, and although i don’t agree w his actions in s4, i can’t say i didn’t want to see him succeed either…super weird, i still don’t quite know how to feel ab the events of the rumbling (i mean i err on the side of it was incredibly evil of him) but the fact there’s sm nuance to his character, regardless of whether i agree w him or not, means he’s one of my faves (we dont talk ab his character in the ending though. shhh. to me aot ends s4 ep28…sorry)

honorable mentions: armin, erwin, levi

least favorite character: zeke (die mf die)

YEEEEE THANK YOU FOR ASK BB i love talking ab aot <333 lmk what ur faves are if you’d like to 👀

[andro-dino]

uwaaa how about some little tidbits with ezekial and luther.... like once ezekial pulls up and luther's life turns upside down how does he cope with it

OH ive been thinking about this too but how many aus do you have revolving around your ocs ??? im curious :3

SHEKEL. I AM LOOKING AT YOU WITH VERY BIG AUTISTIC EYES.

I’m going to answer the second question first bc it’s shorter I think. I actually don’t have like a ton of aus as a whole. Juno’s got the most variations though bc I’m insane about digivalen <3 For them I’ve got

- shogunswap (where juno stays part of the main gang)

- shogunswap (where Juno’s with DNA instead)

- mermaid au

And I could’ve sworn I had another one but I can’t remember it at the moment.

EDIT: I REMEMBERED!!! MANGA JUNO! Idk if that really counts as like an au au but manga compliant juno and anime compliant juno are very different so I count it. That also brings up manga Victoria as an au for her too, since anime compliant Victoria dies while Sakyo’s still young while manga Victoria’s still kicking 🫡

The other that immediately comes to mind is Ezekial and Luther au where Luther’s family is actually completely fine and normal and nothing goes wrong and everyone’s fine. That one’s uuuunrealistiiiic :]

When I was younger I was super into Undertale aus though and I had an underfell version of my main ocs at the time where they were all just edgy and mean and sad. fun times <3

OH YK I did just remember I do have mfb wakfu au from when I was rewatching wakfu. Juno was an eniripsa, Axyl’s an eliatrope, and then bc of that I have two different Wakfu Essi’s. Alone, I can definitely see her as an iop, but in wakfu lore, all eliatrope’s have a shapeshifting dragon sibling who come from the same egg as them, so that also opens the door for dragon essi (I actually have doodled eliatrope Axyl and dragon essi before I’ll have to find those when I get home.) For the other characters, feca kite and eight for sure, sacrier chao xin (I also have sacrier Chao Xin somewhere I will also be finding those later), and I never fully settled on a species for the garcias but ecaflips were the main option in my head.

Then for Ezekial and Luther. smile :)

Luther is a whole mess of emotions when Ezekial shows back up. When his goons essentially “capture” Ezekial while he’s snooping around, the bring him to Luther, who looks down on Ezekial very intensely and very coldly. Their entire first interaction there is completely cold on Luther’s end. Ezekial is ECSTATIC to finally see him again but Luther is really intent on keeping up his professional demeanor. At first, he’s willing to let Ezekial go unharmed and just leave it at that, but when Ezekial refuses to go, Luther tries to be a little bit more “convincing,” and in that moment is especially trying to emphasize (both to Ezekial and to himself) that he’s a different person that he once was and isn’t so merciful. Even then, Ezekial persists, and the more he pushes, the more Luther finds himself enraged for reasons he can’t quite understand. Luther has a reputation for usually being able to prevent his own hands from getting dirty, but he can’t help but shut Ezekial’s whole speech about how he knows that “his best friend is still in there somewhere” down with a firm kick to the gut from his own boot. This is not the last time something like this will happen, and it’s notable that Ezekial is the only person who’s ever been able to rile Luther up enough that other people see him lose his temper and put his hands on someone. It’s notable also that it’s not just rage behind Luther’s eyes, but a deep unsteadiness and what could be considered fear.

Luther from there on out decides to keep Ezekial “prisoner” basically, not necessarily because he wants him around but because he knows Ezekial can cause problems for him if left to his own devices and wants to keep an eye on him. That is how The Problems start and continue to develop into A Plot :]

There is actually one scenario I’ve thought A LOT about because it’s a really important scene for these two. Maybe the first night Ezekial is there, maybe not, but it’s still relatively early into them being reunited, Luther lets Ezekial into his room one night. Ezekial is there kind of awkwardly twiddling his thumbs while Luther showers ((((((IN A SEPERATE ROOM)))))) ((((((LUTHER HAS A BATHROOM ATTACHED TO HIS BEDROOM)))))) ((((((EZEKIAL IS AWKWARDLY SITTING AROUND IN LUTHER’S BEDROOM WHEN THIS HAPPENS))))), notably the most unsupervised Luther has left him at this point, and when Luther comes out, he still barely acknowledges Ezekial but instead walks past him onto the balcony. He leaves the door open, a silent invitation, as Ezekial follows him out and finds Luther lighting a cigarette, leaning against the railing. Ezekial stiffly copies the action and the two sit in a tense (well, tense for Ezekial at least) silence before Luther is the one to start the conversation and the two just. Talk. It’s the most vulnerable Luther has left himself in front of Ezekial and the closest thing Ezekial’s gotten to feeling like he’s connecting to the real Luther again. When this conversation is over, they’ll go back to how it was before, but it’ll stay in both of their minds, and it definitely won’t be the last of its kind despite that.

This is like, fairly old art that I don’t like anymore, but I did kinda draw out part of this scene.

[lazarel-3000]

Strike me down, Morty.

Had a whole week to sort out how I feel and what I think about this season and the finale. Can I just say no wonder things felt off.

I’m honestly surprised at some of the reactions people had, some were angry at Rick - rightfully so, myself included, even if was the lie came from a noble place, kind of. And only kind of because Rick could just not deal with Morty thinking he was boring and disrespecting him like that, so he made Rickbot take his place. 

The way my stomach dropped as soon as they landed on the 10nth floor broh I was not kidding about that lol Yup, “Betrayal on all sides!”

And then there were others who were upset at Morty for some reason.. ? //scratches head// Dudes, he’s 14 and has been severely messed with!

And I also saw some people say this episode is proof Rick does not care about/love Morty. Which is just not true, it’s just not. We’ve been shown time and time again that the man cannot LIVE without him! The thing is that we’re past the point where it doesn't even matter anymore. Don’t don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Rick to pieces but I am not blind to any of his toxicity, nor do I try to justify it... most of the time.

The thing is, however, that it’s so easy to feel sorry for him - but at what point do you draw the line? And then to think oh how sweet it is that Morty will follow him despite everything. Yeah, he would! And yeah it’s sweet, but let’s not forget Rick exerts a terrifying amount of influence over Morty, whether consciously or not. Rick cultivated this dynamic, so I can’t fully get behind the whole thing of “choosing Rick.” Does Morty have a free will at this point? Unless the writers can convince me otherwise, I have Doubts.

So then the appeal of Rickbot becomes easier to understand… I mean how sad it is that Morty was willing to die with the version of Rick that was only 22% nicer, a non-person - a concept at that point of how things could be. This is how you know how bad things are.

And Rick’s unnecessarily cruel remark afterward; “Better tend to your little toaster.” You cannot tell me the man’s insides were not turning. 

Also: 

“Strike me down, Morty.” 

“I’m not striking you down.” 

“Strike me down, Morty. I’ll-I’ll become a pile of clothes like that old guy.” 

“But you’ll die. You’re drunk.”

“Here, I’ll-I’ll do it myself.” 

“No!”

My stomach did the first sickly little lurch because this scene was a bit too much like a fic I read the other day, I had to pause it because wow that fic fucked me up. And yes, the story had Rick trying to self-end himself via Morty because of... reasons. But in the show, this hasn’t been the first time Rick goaded Morty into killing him, but this felt so much worse tho bc of the jarring mood swing. One moment we were happy slicing fruits and having fun and the next is “strike me down, Morty.” said in an entirely too eager tone. I was Upset, hm’kay? And i hope this isn’t some foreshadow into the entire series finale because that is going to break me.

This being said, again, don’t get me wrong! I love this!! I love how messed up the whole thing is now and suffering through it. Truly curious to see how Dan, Justin and the writers move in the next season.

Should the situation be “fixed”? I mean yeah it’d be nice to see a good resolution that didn’t feel rushed, but idk maybe some things in life don’t necessarily need to have a happy ending. They just are.

[surveillance-0011]

Got any angst-y HCs?

Oh hell yeah man. Plenty. I’ll start with the less sad ones and put the outright triggering ones below the read more

At times Val (my nickname for the timpanist) feels that he’s the least important or most overshadowed of the three, and worries about being replaceable or nothing special. I wouldn’t call him unremarkable but he probably would, seeing himself as just another guy living a normal life (note: He Is Not.). That and the other two are just… total characters who do get more attention at times so he just. Silently watches from the sidelines and hopes that someone’s rooting for him, too.

The other two rlly don’t help him feel less inadequate either. He hasn’t told either of them about this mild but possibly growing insecurity but the other two are very good at unintentionally making people feel bad. The Cellist is so stubborn and set on their vision that they can push other people away or talk down to them a little. And the DJ can’t participate in any conversation without teasing or outright insulting someone. So Val generally feels unappreciated and like the other two think he’s stupid or something.

There’s been a couple occasions where they contemplate if this whole thing is worth it but in the end their role means a lot to others and even themselves. Cellist wanted to express their emotions and make a point. The Timpanist wanted to inspire others. The DJ wanted an audience of people who wouldn’t tell them what they’re doing is stupid, that they should just give up… and all three have gotten what they wanted.

That isn’t to say it’s without its troubles and just how healthy and worth it all this really is debatable bc they’ve been pretty damn mean to each other and there’s a lot of stress…

But it’s not like they’re the source of all that for each other. Their role is very important so the stakes are pretty high, not to mention just how stressful it is when Grizzco is working to steal everything from you… it’s been hard for all three of them

Val has lost brothers and friends to Grizzco’s employees. He puts on a brave face but it hurts. He’s mainly just pushed himself to work harder, to really help the cause and distract him from his own grief. To make him feel less guilty for playing from the sidelines. To stop feeling like it should have been him, up against the inkfish who don’t play fair. Who ride on explosive inflatables and crustacean shaped tanks. Who would shoot the Mothership out of the sky, if they could. Who use their fancy weapons to mow down all they see…

The Cellist, too, has lost acquaintances and even some closer friends. He’s only been fortunate from his absence and distance from others. That doesn’t make it easier. Times are tough. If it were just him, maybe he could bear it better, but he knows damn well it’s affecting the other two and that he can’t do anything to protect them. It’s… horrible. Debilitating, demoralizing. He cannot hide it, but he can’t really talk about it. He doesn’t want to burden the other two, they’re so young, they shouldn’t have to see him like this… Like the drummer, in the end all that can be done is to make more music, play the best they can. If anything, though, he does it because he feels in this world he may be running out of time. That, and it is really just his one true outlet…

The DJ hasn’t really yet, but the strain isn’t relieved. They know that whenever they go out there, they or someone they care about could die. Of course, salmonids do not really fear death, but they’re young and honestly, no bravery in the face of this disaster changes the fact that Grizzco’s disregard for the cycle of life is dangerous and terrifying. The distress from seeing what they’ve seen and just knowing the risk of doing what they do has led to anxiety. Panic attacks, they had one of their first mid performance. They’re happening more often. They’re not sleeping well. They’re agitated, restless, and maybe they flame, that spark they had, it’s going out…

I will say that I think late 2019-21 were probably the worst years for the DJ and maybe the band as a whole but I’m gonna wait and see what info we get from the official Twitter next to figure out how they’ve changed and whatnot. However I’d like to believe in current time they’re on the upswing even as things are dire.

Speaking of the DJ: major parental issue haver here. Their dad is out of their life and they’ve been trying to steer clear of their mother for a couple years now. She wasn’t necessarily cruel but they fought a lot bc she wasn’t the most supportive and it got to a point where DJ just said “Fuck it I’m leaving” and went out to pursue their epic high school (or college?? Still iffy on my age hc for em) dropout music career

The mom wants back in though so now they’re contemplating whether it’s worth it to try and reconnect. The other two have advised them to at least try (Val bc he’s very family oriented and can’t imagine someone not wanting their family in their life and the Cellist bc it’s better to at least tie up any loose ends so they can both get on with their lives)

They also have a sister who they have a very-up-and-down relationship with. They do both like bonding over hating their dad and not knowing what to do about their mom tho.

Not rlly angst?? But Val dated said sister at some point and it… uh. It was something for sure.

More distressing hcs below cut. TW for sh and talk of suicide, and also hypothetical character death situations

I’ve said this before I think but the Cellist is nd + mentally ill and has struggled a lot with this. A lot of it comes and goes in waves, but he’s doing …relatively well? The band isn’t always good for his mental health but it’s also been a great outlet for a lot of his emotions and inner turmoil

They’ve struggled with… a lot of things. Insecurity, isolation, anxiety etc etc etc… and their stubbornness mostly bc music has really been their only consistent way of communication and coping, and what they mean to say few their music is a deeply personal mission that they do not want to be hijacked by someone else.

And yes, they’ve struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts, the latter of which have lead to a couple of attempts of varying severity. Mainly when they were younger, from their older teens to their 30s, but the thoughts and urges have never really left completely. They’ve been clean from deliberate self harm (unfortunately meltdowns still bring unintentional sh) for quite some time, though.

They’ve told the other two about some of their struggles but never about the self harm and attempts.

And yes, that one off thing I said abt the DJ telling the cellist to off himself one time… that wasn’t a hypothetical that did end up happening at one point. The DJ was unaware of all of this (not like that makes it an ok thing to say) and basically blurted it out, something he doesn’t mean but didn’t think would hurt too bad…

It did. He’s not sure if he’s ever seen him so hurt before.

It’s probably the closest the band has gotten to breaking up, it took months for them to reconcile . The DJ is still surprised that the Cellist forgave them. Doesn’t matter if they weren’t thinking, who says that and gets away with it?

The Cellist is still a little upset with them because of how personal the subject is and whatnot but in the end the music and making sure this stupid fucking kid end up with a good head on their shoulders (and the actual stupid fucking kid in question) means a lot to him sooo he’s not gonna stop participating in the best thing that’s ever happened to him bc some people are brain poisoned from the internet.

The band would probably break up for good if any of them died, since they see each other as irreplaceable. That and they’d be torn bc as much as they argue and kind of hate each other they’re friends in their own fucked up fishy way and have grown to care deeply for one another.

I’m under the impression that they do not really battle since they’re the band and not necessarily soldiers but they might… idk how salmonid army works :) but that means most likely of one were to die it would be in the crossfire of the Salmon Run, if not something like illness or an accident

If the Cellist were to die the other two would be crushed and the band would most definitely not go on. I don’t think it’d hit them right away they’d be shocked and act like it never happened. Until it finally clicks. Then both of them would really not know what to do with themselves. They both really look up to him in the end and see him as a mentor or whatnot. At least they’d have each other as a shoulder to cry on but it’d be hard.

Unless he killed himself. If that were the case I think the other two would probably blame themselves or each other and not want to see the other

If the Timpanist died the DJ would fare the worst. Obviously both would be devastated but Val and DJ are closer bc of their age and Val not taking what they say as personally and also just being the closest thing they had to like. A good trustworthy friend. Once again they’d try to be there for one another but I could the the DJ withdrawing more in their grief. I could also see the Cellist seeing the loss as a failure on their behalf, not keeping him safe, not being able to make it better for him. At least the both of them could know Val was brave. Whatever takes him out, he’s not gonna go gently into the night, I’ll tell you what.

If the DJ died I think that’d be worst case scenario for the mental-emotional fallout. They’re too young to go, never even saw much combat time if any, barely lived. And they’d be scared. So scared. Wounded or sick they’d cling on, fight as hard as they could, to the bitter end. And it would just destroy the other two. Val loses his best friend, and the Cellist loses this kid that he cared a lot about. Like with Val, if DJ were to die he’d blame himself, and more so in this situation. Everything is a reminder, and every reminder hurts like hell… maybe the cellist would even take the DJ up on that old, stupid offer they made…

[drawlfoy]

I can't tell you just how heartbroken Wonders of Ohio left me. I've only ever felt that way with one other fic, and even then WoO topped it. Unlike WoO, the other fic had a very clean cut ending to it (they both died at the end rip) so I wasn't left to my own thoughts about what could've happened after. Which might be why WoO has been absolutely haunting me for the past two days, it hasn't left my mind at all. I think about certain moments, the ending, oh god ESPECIALLY THE ENDING, AT LEAST once an hour. I get that familiar feeling of my throat drying up and my eyes begin to water when I think about it. Another reason being the way you write. I was able to immerse myself into the story and imagine what I was reading in my head, one specific case of this I remember was when Draco made Reader and himself late to school. When he was fidgeting in the passengers seat, his hair unkempt, I could almost see him. I imagined draco with his messy platinum hair, wearing a muggle polo shirt because its just so posh rich kid of him, nervous as he leaned over the middle compartment into the backseat as he performed that glamour spell. I've never been very creative and imaginative but with your writing it was easy for me. It reminded me of how I was able to do the same when reading the Harry Potter books, being able to almost live in that universe in my head was so refreshing. Anyways this is really long, SORRY, but when I saw that you also had a Tumblr (as I originally read your stories on AO3) I just had to look. I scrolled through your page for a while and I gasped when I eventually saw that you posted what you started on writing for a continued ending? (I don't know how to phrase it I'm sorry 😭) I read it and while WoO is still breaking my heart over and over again, I think I'll be able to think about it for longer than 5 minutes at a time without bursting into tears now. So thank you. 🩷

AHHH i’m so upset bc i typed out a whole response and the fucking tumblr app (count ur days staff) deleted it urghhh

anyway some points i’d like to hit (apologies for the length but i just wanted to give this the response it deserved):

1) first of all THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHABKYOU this was genuinely the highlight of my whole year. people like you are the reason i write and i’m being so genuine when i say that this message is like the kind of stuff i dream about getting as a writer. so in conc i’m kissing you on the mouth you didn’t need to but you wrote all of this out and for that i’m forever grateful

2) some thoughts on the ending: first of all IM SORRY lmaoo. i’ll let u in on a little secret: i actually originally planned on a completely different ending where y/n ended up using the box right off the bat and went back to england and spent the last half of the fic learning magic and interacting with the golden trio crew/the malfoys. i told this to a few writer friends and they made me realize that it wouldn’t be as useful in actually answering the silly question that i based the whole fic on (what would draco do if he was plopped in the middle of muggle america?). i decided then that i really was more interested in learning how draco’s character would develop as he came to love someone who was fundamentally differently from him (and didn’t first go through a change that departed from her basic character traits). from then on i realized that a happy ending wouldn’t involve either of them giving up their world at the end of the summer, since they needed to grow up a little bit (and at that point i was old enough to find the idea of giving up your entire life for a relationship at 18 completely terrifying). hence the sad ending…but i think in the long run it means that they end up having a much healthier dynamic later on!

3) if you want to know about what happened after the deleted scene you found: i left the ending so open because i always thought i’d come back to write another series where i explored what happened after, but i don’t think i’ll end up doing that so i’ll tell you what i was planning. i always imagined y/n eventually going to england after graduating and getting established in her career and learning magic (because like literally who wouldn’t if presented with that option). draco is just kind of like a stay at home husband who’s just psyched to be there.

4) thank you so so much for your note about how immersive WoO was!! i’m ngl i’ve always struggled with incorporating imagery into my work. i spent my formative years avoiding anything i considered to be purple prose and that really reflected in my writing. i’m not a super visual person so if i could mention the 3 details i think are important in each scene and could just get on with the meat of the plot, i would, so i’m so thrilled to hear that it was able to give you that experience as a reader despite the fact that i’ve always been worried that i can’t 🥹 thank you again for telling me all of this bc it genuinely warmed my heart i know that this is a little disjointed but oml this like made my day

ill stop talking now because i’m gonna get even more incoherent okok but thank you!!!!! <3

[missmaywemeetagain]

hiiii! i’ll be reacting to 17 & 18.1 so i’m sorry & pls excuse me if this is a lot LOL

17:

you jumped RIGHT into it i see!!! & let me just say..i nearly DIED!! YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! i swear i could’ve passed out right w her😂😂😂 elvis saying that’s not normal like what he’s doing to her is?! PLS!!! the way he ordered all her fave foods, it’s the little stuff that shows how he feel🥹 the flashback?? i understand the craziness of the situation but all i can think about is how elvis is ALWAYS there. every. single. time. we LOVE him. the TENSION & the ANXIETY i was feeling when she was up at the lil get together?! the DISGUST when jack kept pushing up on her?! everytime he calls her treasure i get chills & not in a good way. i never thought i could hate a written character more in my life. the confirmation of “cheating” (bc should we reallyyyy call it that atp?? LOL) being him seeing the hickies?! oh i was shaking in my boots. now, i understand the whole purpose of the way this is written is that i’m putting myself in her shoes but WHEN HE DRAGGED HER OUT THAT BATHROOM, DRESS UNDONE,SCREAMING?!?! OH I REALLY FELT THE HATE & EMBARRASSMENT TIMES 100. STEAM WAS COMING OUT MY EARS. i was surprised elvis didn’t pop his ass right then & there. we love a king w a lil self control. emphasis on a lil😂i think i paused in my reading for a good 10 minutes when jack punched her. jaw DROPPED. & i swear i screamed when elvis started beating his ass. my heart SOARED. FINALLYYYY IVE BEEN WAITING & i CACKLED at the confusion from jack. sir, she had that scarf on AGAIN & you’re confused??? PLS. the way EVERYBODY had to hold him back & bring him to his knees from red?! i was eating it up!! & idk….jack deserved more than a smack from her, but at the same time, he not even worth it. elvis did him in enough. now, w all the passing out & throwing up…. pregnancy is running through my brain. MAYBE IM REACHING IDK IDK. this entire part was so JUICY!!! WHEW i was on edge the ENTIRE time. the excitement i’m feeling thinking about what’s next now that everything is finally out on the table?!?! you never fail to surprise me!!!

18.1:

i know you mentioned possibly doing his pov at some point but THIS?!?! oh this is not what i was expecting!!! i am GAGGED!!!! for one, yk i LOVE your flashbacks. but these?! idk i wouldn’t say these were the most intense but they are the most important to me in a way. maybe bc it really confirms everything for me. like clearly just off everything from before, we know he’s in love. BUT READING THESE?!?! HES BEEN DOWN BAD HIS WHOLE LIFE BASICALLY LOL PLEASEEEEE!! that poor baby!!! we know our girl has been too but at least hers is more so on a subconscious level for so many years lol it’s so insane to me how GREAT you write their connection. i’ll say that 1000 times bc i swear i can literally feel it. my heart physically hurts reading this part! the way he yearns for her is so😩😩😩😩 the way he was holding back for so long but after that night he stayed w her he’s like yea no fuck that!! then BOOM! FUCKING JACK MAN!!!!! i teared up! & me knowing the torment that’s still to come & the YEARS of heartbreak he’s gonna go through got me so SAD!! it took SO long for him to finally have her!!! also, now that i’m thinking. elvis knew jack wanted her from the jump, that’s why he didn’t say shit even knowing they have that intense unexplainable connection but HER?! what’s her tea?!?! after she was done w ted she should’ve been ON IT. BUT i can say i’m glad bc all that ripping & running he was doing early in his career, it wouldn’t have been fair (which actually was probably her thought process now that i’m typing it lol) & it probably all would’ve fell apart. timing is a important thing. i cannot WAIT for 18.2!!!!! something so good always comes after a great flashback to connect & you gave us a few so im ready!!

you really pull some crazy emotions out of me reading this series. I LOVE IT. letting yk NOW, once this is complete?! oh i will pay good money to have this on paper in my bookshelf!!!!

First, I'm sorry it took so long to get to this ask, but OMG, Kelly Honey, I LOVEEEEE this. LOVE. IT. Your passionate reactions are what I live for and thank you for blessing me with them! 🥰 You somehow put into words all the fun emotions I'm trying to glean from y'all as a writer and it's just great to see! So many good observations and theories going on here!

My brain is a bit fried from finishing 18.2 just now, so I'll just say that I cannot wait to see how the next part sends you over the edge, babycakes...💋

[ectterna]

AHHHHHHH THEY ARE RIGHT HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS…

so im a die hard fan since 2018/19 around the time season 2 came out and i know like mostly everything although the war arc made me not finish the series.

OKAY THIS IS WHY TOGACHAKO IS KILLER AND COLOR.

(this is made by a non togachako shipper i view them as platonic)

why killer is toga; Toga was like hated by her family because for her quirk (due to the blood thing), this led to her being a mentally ill teen who killed a boy bc he didnt love her or smth from what i remember. She kills people bc like she just wanted to be loved and now she doesnt care anymore. She basically has a similar personality to fanon killer (in the sense shes bubbly over the top and ‘always happy’)

Color comes in when ochacko starts to realize how little of a chance toga got to be loved/has a reason for her wrong doings. Ochako is becoming morally grey for toga because she doesnt think toga is invalid. Like she knows toga cant redeem herself but she wants to help her realize she isnt a bad person just because of her quirk.

Himiko realizes in the end that her live would have been better if she didnt resort to villany and if she decided to try to be good she might have actually had a chance.

The whole ur cute stuff was ochako just saying toga was human too.

So basically color saying “youre the cutest” would mean “you can choose what you want, its not your fault”

color just having one big ole hear me out for killer <33

The scene but in their words:

Color: “But if you still feel for even a little bit that you want to talk to me, I’ll sit with you no matter the stage, I want to talk about what you want in life Killer!”

Color: “I just want to touch you, the hate and sadness inside of you, *color talking ab his lore and why he is here idk much about color to tweak this part*. Thats why im here killer, tell me what you think! Tell me what you thought until now, everything!

*Killer going to kill color but stops*

Killer: “Chara, she changed my code… I- I Killed everyone, Over, and over, and over. When Nightmare saved me I thought that it was the only way out, that he was the only way I could escape my AU. I was told I couldn’t be happy anymore, I was blinded, you knew what it was like to love without LoVE.”

Killer: “I had to get my soul morphed to force a stage two, Nightmare would get so angry if I felt too much. He would say that ‘I was just a tool’ he’d think I was worthless. He told me that you were a bad influence, you were foolish and I shouldn’t be near you. Thats why I’m with Nightmare, I thought it was my only option! I never got a chance to choose what I wanted!”

Color: “You were sending me those signals the whole time, it took me so long to realize.”

Killer: ‘Oh no, I’m reverting back to stage one...’

Color: “I can’t bring back your old life, but I thought I’d tell you how wonderful my time with you was.”

Killer: ‘Im glad I met color.’

*insert the image above*

Have you seen season 7 episode 20 of my hero academia? I think Toga and Ochako are very Colourkiller

I’m sorry to say I haven’t watched beyond S3, cause to be completely honest I kinda lost interest in the Anime as it went on, I watched a very unique and beautiful story become another Dragon ball with the stakes (somehow) just going higher (even more than All for one??? Which doesn’t make sense to me?????) and with no end in sight, so I kinda just dropped it ngl hcchchhcvh

So I honestly don’t know anything beyond some designs for the characters that appear afterwards chchch

But since you’re mentioning Toga and Ochako, I’m assuming you might be referring to that scene in the manga that’s something like “you think I’m cute?”, “the cutest in the world”, I at least saw that around

And while I do not know the context, I still think it fits to an extent, but not fully?? I just find it a bit hard to connect them cause I don’t really feel like Tago and Killer or Ochako and Color are alike in any sense? (But that’s just me talking about how little I saw of their characters up to S3, I obviously missed a lot of characters arcs dhhdhd)

And when it comes to Toga and Ochako’s relationship, I honestly don’t know anything about it to form an opinion on whether I think they represent Color and Killer’s relationship chchhchc

Still, I think that specific scene is adorable so have a sketch of it

[ishikawayukis]

HI IM BACK IM THE ANON WHO KEEPS TALKING ABOUT OP-

Sorry I disappeared but life has been, well: life 🤡 BUT!! we should just get that 3rd piercing at this point and blame it on zoro LMAO I actually told my mom I’m planning on getting it and she told me that if I did it maybe she would get a second piercing on her ear!! again I would say go get it, but I know healing is horrible when it doesn’t go well so definitely think about it more as to not regret it c:

AND YESSS I’m also so excited!! Especially since I’m now FINALLY on the Alabasta saga when I truly felt like I wouldn’t be able to get there, but I discovered x1.25 speed and made it possible LOL

Iñaki is so so so luffy seriously, the whole cast is great and they seem so passionate about it, I can’t help but watch the bts of the show bc of them, and yes I’m down bad for zoro LMAO like he can be a little dumb but I love him that way, he’s a loyal dumb man<3

Tbh every time sanji appears and does something silly/shocking/pathetic I think of you and I’m like “yeap, I get it, I see the vision” AND YES CHOPPER IS SO CUTE!!! they made me sad for a freaking whale and then they got me weeping with chopper’s past, I thought sanji’s was a pretty strong one but damn, I wanted to get into the screen and hug chopper fr<3 also I wasn’t expecting to see ace so quickly after and well, I’ll just say I said “I’m sorry zoro” when they introduced him on that food place scene LMAO but I’m still a zoro fan I just had to acknowledge ace is definitely built different 😔🙏🏽

don't worry about dissapearing i get it it's all good dear 💕 i think i'm 100% gonna get it next time i go out with a pal that we always end up going to a place with a lot of tattoo/piercing shops and i simply will have no control over myself when they're There you know LMAO also love it that your mom wants to get one too my parents just sigh when they see another piercing

dude 1.25 speed my beloved LMAO i was talking to some friends yesterday that i started watching it and they were like dude do not feel bad about skipping some parts or going faster because these fuckers take Time, and i was liek oh no no no worries i for sure have been doing that LMAO i saw a video the other day that described the whole alabasta saga as "they're in the desert for way way longer that you think they're gonna be" and man if that isn't true

they are all honestly so passionate about it i wish we could see even more behind stuff, not only for the interactions between them because i Live for iñaki and taz together, but to see how everything was made as well

that's my pathetic little man i love him so much glad that you can see the vision as well SDLGKHSL they made chopper's backstory so sad and for What like we were gonna get attached to that little reindeer no matter what why make us suffer as well. if that isn't all of us when ace appears like hey so sorry main crew i need to know everything about luffy's brother immediately can you all leave us for like 30 min. ace is indeed build different i love that guy so much, but zoro will still be there you can enjoy ace in alabasta for a while LSKHDGL

[samswinchesters]

OH MY FUCKING GODDDDddddD it’s so joever hhhhoooo ok speedrun the other stuff bc this is gonna be longg: fuck the blond man ok whatever he’s dead fuck BJ he’s dead whatever Rosemary can go live her best life somewhere away from evil husbands girl idcccc. the laughing ceremony was v cute finally some happiness. The guy they casted to be Joe’s dad is like a top 10 casting choice of all time go casting director. and Gordo is still a funny son of a bitch love him.

Ok here we go🫡

Chee going to say goodbye in uniform (yay!!!) too and saying how good she was at her jobbb and the HAND SIZE COMPARISON like hell yeah peak high school crushing behavior!!! and the kiss/ mini make out sessionnn like girl was that not enough to convince you to stay either????? like ok you’re stronger than me ig😵‍💫 And let’s be fr rn let’s not pretend like he didn’t think about rejoining the police just so he could be around you, in hopes you would stay. Like I knowwww he says it’s bc she left the force and Joe could use a hand but come onnn. And the shot of them leaving in different directions like ok I’ll go die in a ditch now got it thanks!

Ok the fucking Joe and Bern scene god🫠here we go🥹I was already feeling emotional bc of the hug but literally as soon as Joe called Bern his DAUGHTER it was so fucking over for me tears running down my face LMAO. Like if that happened to me i would unpack my shit right away sorry for even applying for the job in the first place. I know from actor interviews and whatever that Zahn and Jessica see their characters relationship as father-daughter, but to HEAR IT??! In the episode??!!??? Literally said, “oh my fucking god it’s so over” to my TV screen dkkdndhsjak. Also,,,, Joe just lost another child (luckily not to death this time!) and he couldn’t do anything about it, and what if he feels guilty by inadvertently pushing her to leave even more by killing Vines. What then???? i’m gonna lose itttt. And If anyone ever confirms he was trying to say “I love you” or “I’ll miss you” to her or smth at the end of his “Daughter, I-” before getting cut off by Bern saying “I know” I will actually be in that persons walls. When is it his turn to be happy! They didn’t even show a proper goodbye btwn them either and you KNOW they had one bc he would have had to have given her the feather at some point (SOBs) like if you’re gonna make a sad ending make it as heart wrenching as possible at least give us all the sad and crying and hugs gOD😭😭.

And not to mention, her whole talk with Joe about how she was in denial about how the world works didn’t convince me she needs to leave?? If anything the opposite?? maybe there is a nuanced way to show her on the job doing good on border patrol and being treated well but idk🫥. Like you said, I feel it would come across as super booklicker-y. And yeah she works BP in the books but does she really have to in the show? (I’m coping here) Maybe they could do a commentary on the border and how her working as a native woman there would have been. And then bring her back somehow? I don’t want her to come back fully defeated but at the same time I also don’t want the show to undo her development in gaining the courage to try to find her way on her own…. But get your ass back to the rez rn lmao I’m not joking around xoxo I am the director, lead writer and EP now haha

IMO this whole will she won’t she thing really feels like the writers were trying to have this big overarching decision with a super emotional ending (since Joe’s arc ended pretty suddenly with Blondie dying and him making Vines march into the desert on a whim), and while it was emotional it just didn’t make sense. Like it didn’t make sense before but it’s worse now😭. And obviously they want to move Bern’s character towards the books ig, but why? Why now after 2 seasons. Especially when Joe and Jim aren’t going anywhere and have their own books to go off of too. Like does she get some side border patrol plot every season now? Do they make the most unlikely circumstances where she can go help Jim and Joe? Do they try and adapt multiple books simultaneously despite them most likely not having much interconnectedness? I don’t know. They had such a good thing going with incorporating her character into the Tony Hillerman books as a TRIBAL police officer. And it’s like they wanted her to have this choice to make that’s really influenced by her surroundings and experiences, but in the show you don’t get any of that. Everything she goes through feels so contradictory to her decision. She’s finally back on good grounds with Jim, ok time to leave. Joe is off the walls but also being more of a Dad to her than ever, oh he’ll be fine he can handle it (can he tho). I promised Dean I’d look after his family? And I was an inspiration to him helping people on the rez? Nvm!!

That’s a *very* overdramatic and overgeneralized explanation of it but you get it I hope. Even her comment about not being able to do anything about Vines makes zero sense to me because does she think border patrol would let her fucking execute him for what he did??? Or that border patrol would lock him in a pit with no communication so he can’t get off on bail😭??. Originally watching I legitimately thought that this was the shows way of completely removing Bernadette from the story bc Jessica was done with the role, but that’s confirmed by the director to be not true. (silver lining yay!)

I have faith in the writers to do a good job with Bernadette’s character but I’m selfish and just want my silly tribal police trio back together asap!! They did not have the best little I-would-kill-for-you/ hyper-competent-coworkers/ found-family dynamic the three whole seconds they were all on screen together for them to kick Bern out!! Anyway, bring on season 3 AMC renew it already I am outside your office with a pitchfork!

(Also, its been super fun getting to rant in extremely long asks to you this season about this show, so thank you for the space to do that! Dark Winds def has its ups and downs but I love it so much and hopefully we get many seasons to come!)

apologies for such a late reply </3 i've been mostly on mobile and i wanted to give this ask my undivided, desktop attention since there is so much to chew and munch on here MWAHHH ^_^ thank u for your patience <33

what a solid season finale that felt like closure but also made me want to chew on drywall bc jimbern nation won but at what COST....crunching the numbers and doing the math we have GOT to get them back on the menu it's the most in demand at the restaurant. the hand comparison scene carried more romance than anything made in the past century like i am being sooooo serious that scene made me MELT and tear upwith a smile on my face like woaghhhh......love is REAL and i am witnessing it firsthand. ngl, sorry to bern but i would've sttayed for jim i am not like other girls sorry feminism :/ AHHHHHHHHH I DIDN'T CONSIDER THOSE IMPLICATIONS I AM PUNCHING THE AIR AGAIN NAURRRRRR.....he literally came back for her....she made him believe in himself again....don't look at me i'm processing my grief :( the parting of ways did make me cry i shan't lie it was teww much they pulled that rug from right under us and you expect us to be normal about it? girl!!!

that daughter mention made me FREEZE like i nearly dropped my shit bc omfgggggg that's my FAMILY. i'm still trying to wrap my head around why bern would apply for another job outside of the reservation like, she talks about it but to me it's just....it's not compelling? LIKE not to undermine her but couldn't she make changes in the job she's in as well?? does she not know what the border patrol does..........do you tell her or should i? goshhh, why do people keep leaving joe this is UNFAIR. not to play this card but if we didn't get a heart wrenching farewell from one of the most important people in her life, then this is how bern can still return in season 3...HELPPP don't make me fall into that rabbit hole. you are so right, like, she is such a well beloved character so if you're going to send off one of the main protags of your show, you send them OFF y'know?? unless you're like...supernatural....WELL,

thank you for picking up that other topic i slightly touched up above. it just...doesn't make sense at all. if the writers are trying to reason themselves on how to get rid of her, this is simply not it </3 never read the books but damn, can't believe she's still a class traitor after this time. then again, what did we expect from a copaganda show? nuance? you are soooo fucking hired we don't need a resume nor cv you take over at the amc studios. you fundamentally understand the complexities of bern and are able to support reasons on how her story can still add richness to the main storyline. writing her off completely would be a huge disservice to her character like if we don't even get updates throughout s3 or any mention of her journey,,,,,someone will have 2 answer to us. i really want them to continue following bern and i am getting scared that it's a possibility that they're now going to just focus on jim and joe. don't get me wrong, i love those guys but like....i also really love bern c'mon sign my petition everyone.

shows that deviate from the original story's plots can either make or break that show. i understand that they only have a short season with 45 minute episodes but that's when you make every single second count. every decision about how a character develops is a make or break thing with these types of shows. when they made bern leave the reservation, it feels empty. what for? if she has so much to do there? why now? when everything seems to align for the better? that's something that i probably can't really get past. jessica girl stand UP for bern you give her the voice and you can continue to protect it !!! i know it can be beyond their reach but a girl can only dream...hmmm...gosh, could you imagine if we got the trio back in action again? OHHHH i would start licking walls and jumping up and down. i really hope this wasn't like the final end to bern since there are a lot of shows that write off great characters like they meant nothing to anyone. the news of a confirmed s3 has my heart aflutter but also praying the rosary omfgggg i really do hope it's a sexy as hell season. and you are SOOO welcome :) this space is ALWAYS open to talking, venting, ranting, and babbling about anything, babe like i am here on the couch listening intently and watching every single hand movement and head nod. can't wait to do this again when the new season drops....yes, i do think we will all still be on this web sight in 2024 and 2025....,

[mcrcki]

Was that [VICTORIA PEDRETTI]? Oh no no, that was just [ELAIN ARCHERON], a [CANON CHARACTER] from [A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES]. They are [TWENTY TWO] years old, use [SHE/HER], and [ARE] aware that they are not actually from Washington DC. Too bad they can’t stray from this city for long.

how long has your character been here -

just barely a few hours, honestly, i'm thinking she's gonna be one of those people who just immediately showed up and girl is not doing super great with it. elain is not someone who handles big changes well, so this is ?? a lot

what is your character’s job -

once she is settled in, she is absolutely going to be opening a bakery!!

where has your character been pulled from in their fandom -

ok i have not finished acosf yet, we are about ???? a quarter of the way through, so that's where i'm pulling elain from. the last thing she remembers is feyre telling the inner circle that she's pregnant! i'll update this as i finish reading, the book is just CHONKY and it's taking me longer than the other volumes lmaoo

has any magic affected your character -

nope! elain is the same elain as always, honestly, she's been changed enough from magic she is not looking to get her memories or anything else messed with, thank you so much!!!

other notes -

damn do i love a soft vibe tragic backstory bitch, this time in faerie form! so original!! anyways, elain is my angel and i don't want to hear anything bad about her ever thank you so much goodnight -- pls enjoy me info dumping the current hyperfixation

elain is the middle child of the archeron family, having always been closer to her older sister nesta in comparison to her younger sister feyre. their mother always claimed elain was going to marry for her looks and for love, her family constantly putting a lot of weight into her appearance for that

she's always found some sort of peace and quiet in gardening however, though her love of baking didn't come till later. tending to her garden was one of the few things that elain still had control over, when everything else in the archeron life was falling apart

she and her father are the only ones who are affected by tamlin's glamour once he takes feyre to prythian.

this girl is just so kind, she is sad over the death of a like great aunt that literally never existed but she is still bummed about it

just wanted to travel the world and see flower festivals with feyre and enjoy their lives together and then so much shit goes wrong so fucking fast !!!!! so--

ok at this point im going into spoilers for a court of mist and fury and beyond so anyone reading ( @ jodie and risa ) don't read on !! all you gotta know is this is a sweet summer child and i would die for her

during acomsf elain is engaged to a human boy, the son of a lord who just absolutely hates faeries. homeboy is like a doomsday prepper but for faeries invading the mortal lands. so ofc when feyre comes back with just a whole fucking group of faeries, elain is understandably a little worried and she doesn't want it to get back to her fiancé. she stuck around for the meeting though and honestly good for her, she is loyal as hell and we love her for that

and then she's just kinda gone until the end of that book when she and nesta are fucking kidnapped and forcibly made into faeries by being thrown into the cauldron by the king of hybern, to literally just prove a fucking point, to make it clear that it can do that!!! (there is so much more during these scenes that i dont want to explain bc again spoilers but damn the end of that book is a nightmare of drama)

anyways, elain is tossed into the cauldron like a sack of potatoes and just dumped onto the fucking floor, having gone through possibly the most traumatic thing anyone could really go through and light of my life, dumb bitch #1 lucien really looks at her and goes "you're my mate" like my love, some tact. time and place

i love lucien don't get me wrong , just that line in the midst of everything?? what a time

mor takes the sisters away from hybern, hides them up (i think up at their cottage???) , when feyre goes back to the spring court with tamlin. enter the poor way all of prythian handles trauma --

(literally is no one in all of this faerie or human lands a fucking therapist , pls can we get the sisters to talk to ANYONE)

ok a court of wings and ruin -- elain has gone almost completely nonverbal with grief and ptsd and very poor adjustments!!! except for some weird freaky cryptic comments that everyone just looks at her like "ok honey let's go back to bed"

she has not accepted her change into fae, and spends like weeks just crying and talking about her upcoming wedding to greyson. like genuinely, all i want to do is hug this woman she needs a good hug. esp cause, while again i love him, lucien is not helping matters like at all. he's doing so much, and it's just.. buddy pls some space (i would love a lucien tho so they can maybe one day talk about their shit together)

either way, elain is finally starting to talk a little bit, but again it's that cryptic shit, that after a few weeks of it, the only person who seems to actually understand what's going on is azriel! shoutout to you az! cause surprise, the cauldron made my girl a seer!!! and she is so afraid !!!!

anyways, she starts to kind snap out of it once there is a name for what's going on, once people start realizing that she isn't like.. out of it, just seeing the future. she starts to bake with nuala and cerridwen-- the two maids rhys employees. literally that is one of the biggest things that pulls elain out of this mess of grief that's in her mind. it's still her solace even now, baking is where things make sense for her. she loves gardening, but there is something about baking that just clears her mind like nothing else.

eventually the inner circle makes their way to greyson and his family's estate for the express purpose of trying to get them to agree to take in human refugees in the upcoming war. they glamour elain so that she still appears human but my boy jurian is out here being a bigger gossip than the suriel and already told them everything. greyson like screams in elain's face to end their engagement (and i became a nesta stan in that moment ty for slapping the shit out of that boy)

losing greyson for good really set elain back off on the bad path of nonverbal constant crying. she barely leaves the war tents, only moves outside of them when the camp has to move, and is just going through a terrible heartbreak like pls can she catch a singular break!!!!!

she sure fucking cant!! bc she gets kidnapped by the cauldron and taken into the heart of hybern's camp almost immediately after!!!!!!!!!!! again shoutout to azriel for just jumping right in for that rescue mission with feyre , you're a superstar.

so war happens , elain stays mostly out of it thank god, she is not a fighter. but i will die on the hill that she deserves recognition for killing the king of hybern!! ik nesta cut off his head but elain is the reason nesta was still alive!!!!! to do it!!!!! she is the person who stabbed him first!!!!!! and she deserves that title just as much as her sister!!!!!!!

elain and her sisters lose their father in the fight, and while elain is in mourning , she goes to visit the memorial spot that feyre had created for him quite often. but she returns to velaris with her friends, her new family and is honestly, pretty well adjusted by the end of it, like she's really coming out of this on the other side doing pretty well all things considered.

for the novella -- elain's visions are mostly gone, she is adjusting well, honestly she's just vibing, baking and hanging out with the twins, there's a lot of like innerworkings of her relationships between lucien and azriel and pls don't ask me who i ship her with i simply do not know and would rather her just be happy with no man before she gets stuck in something for centuries

ok final bit i promise i know my intros are always disgustingly long but a court of silver flames!!!! this is where i'm pulling elain from, but since i am still reading it, she is only going to be pulled from the first like quarter of it

the last thing that elain remembers from home is feyre and rhys telling the inner circle that they're expecting, and her fight with nesta at the house. she remembers nesta snapping at her over their father's death, when elain wanted nothing more than to just check on her sister, to make sure hse was adjusting well. she left the house crying, having thought the training with cassian was supposed to be helping nesta but, she is more skeptical than ever.

here in dc, elain is definitely going to be like, relieved to find people that she knows, will be settling in with her bakery once she is .. adjusted. she doesn't handle change super well so it's gonna take some time before she feels confident in the city but i cannot wait until we are at that point

connections :

✩ friends!!

honestly please just be her friend , she is such a kind soul and will look after you and be the sweetest person, i just think she would do really well with a group of friends that like lift her up and are more high energy than her, just good vibes

✩ employees

once she opens her bakery, she's gonna need people to come work for her so :)))

✩ maybe someone she could nanny for

i think while she is getting used to the city and settling in she might try to pick up some odd jobs here and there before she settles into owning a whole bakery and i think she'd like the idea of helping people like that

✩ someone to help her adjust

like a guide to dc kinda vibe, someone that can explain the modern world, help her out so she doesn't feel like she is burdening her family by having them have to like walk her through all of this

✩ trauma bonding buddies

someone wanna talk about their issues with her and provide a safe space so she can finally talk about her own shit!! thanks sm !!!

✩ potential ship

i genuinely don't know if i'm going to go with canon ships or whatnot and would love to have elain just like.. branch out before she settles into anything. this would be CASUAL like not an endgame ship right off the bat (obviously if chemistry works out we can chat but) mostly just looking for someone to make her feel like she is not stuck with some predestined fate

[euthymiya]

ok im putting my comments under the cut:

“Wowwww,” an unfortunately familiar voice croons from a nearby table. “Look at those bags. Someone didn’t sleep well last night.”

HE SUCKS LOL

“Genuinely, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

IM CRYING AT THIS SKJDHF

“You remembered.” Dazai stares at you with stars in his eyes, face lighting up. “I thought you weren’t paying attention.”

asjdhf he definitely has low standards. you remember his bday 3 days late and he's like "u know the date!!! ur my soulmate!!!!"

He seems to notice your judgment of him and looks offended

I giggled sdhfg

you find yourself making your way over to him.

This is so funny bc she said she would flee if she ran into him again LOL liarrr

For a second, Dazai looks flustered. You watch as his eyes dart from the chairs and back up to you, the faintest pink hue spreading across his cheeks. His lips part to respond, but no words leave then, and he finally pushes out, “Yes.”

notttt him lying like a loser sdjkhfsd

“I was in an exceptionally good mood,” you amend smugly.

The expression on Dazai’s face is nothing short of bitter and withering. “The next time you’re in a good mood, you should pay for my tuition and rent,” he says snidely. “Well, my next project is a zoo,” you say, and you can tell from the way Dazai’s eyes narrow that he knows he’s not about to like what you’re going to say. “We can fit you in with the rest of the baboons, I suppose. That’ll be your new apartment.” “Haha. Very funny.” “I thought so.”

THIS WHOLE INTERACTION HAD ME GIGGLING

Dazai isn’t particularly liked by the other students in his year—they think he’s odd. Which, he is odd, but they could be more discreet about it.

the good thing is he is self aware HAHA

“Fine,” you say before you can stop yourself, which he clearly doesn’t expect from how his eyes shoot open, and you don’t expect from the way your heart rate spikes as soon as the words register.  What the fuck?

omg I was like :O when she said fine

Dazai: hi (＠＾◡＾)

HIS KAOMOJI KILLED ME

Albatross: not ur personal chauffeur 😒 i’m busy

I feel him on a deep and personal level I too am everyone I know's personal driver

 “‘s a ten minute drive. I’ll get there in three.”

he is so meeee as a driver hahaha

Two years ago, an organization called the Serpent’s Tongue targeted a girl Chuuya’d been talking to trying to get him to turn himself in—a civilian girl, actually, one that he dragged into this life just like you’re unintentionally doing with Dazai. He turned himself over for her; they killed her anyway, and the whole organization paid for it with their lives. So did all of their families. You don’t think Chuuya’s ever gotten over it.

aw man this made me sooo sad for him :(

Sensing his discomfort, he watches your eyes track down to the bandages peeking over his collar and sleeves, and then you pointedly turn around to face the wall, sighing as you pull out your phone.

this made me clutch my heart it was so oddly sweet in a way awww

Kido slaps his hand to get him to stop when it messes up the measurement of his hips, and Dazai promptly stills. “I prefer free verse. It’s my favorite style of poetry.”

I got a good giggle at the image in my head of him getting his hands sternly slapped kjdfh

Oh. Dazai hesitates, throat bobbing as he swallows, lashes fluttering as he averts his gaze down toward the floor. “My friend… he passed away a few years ago. Right before I was about to enter college, actually. He asked me to finish his book for him—I told him I don’t know anything about writing and that it’ll turn out bad if he had me do it, but he insisted… and I mean, I can’t really say no to my dying best friend, can I?”

eating a rock as we speak. here she comes with her killing everyone off streak. even though this is canon but still

A smile tugs at the corners of his lips and he’s positively vibrating at your words until Kido lets out a heavy sigh. “Dazai-sama, please stop moving so much.”

he is just a puppyyyyyy

"Cao Xueqin will have him chopped into pieces and send you on a fucking treasure hunt across the city to get all of his limbs together for a proper burial."

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“I’m not you,” you spit out, a low blow, you know. To Chuuya’s credit, he doesn’t react beyond a sharp inhale, nostrils flaring briefly. “No, you’re not,” he agrees. “I wouldn’t be so fucking stupid to make the same mistake twice.”“That was your mistake,” you hiss. “Not mine.”

oh shitttt the girls are fightingggg and its heatedddd

ᡣ𐭩 YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: one chance encounter at a bar and suddenly you're seeing dazai osamu everywhere you go. you must have truly done wrong in your past life for you to run into him at so many places so frequently. you can't let this go on—for his sake and for yours—but the stupid civilian is worming his way into your life, blissfully unaware of who you are and what you do.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: AHHHHHHHH GUYS I HOPE UR EXCITED BECAUSE I AM, i've been obsessing over this literally since the idea first came to me, i'm rlly hoping you guys enjoy this half as much as i've loved writing it. civzai is truly becoming my roman empire. please leave a reblog! always appreciated!

GENERAL WARNINGS: fem!reader, port mafia executive!reader, civilian!dazai, dazai's struggles w suicide & sh, reader partakes in mafia business, dazai isn't dazai without a bit of obsessiveness and possessiveness (the possessiveness doesn't come til later but the obsessiveness starts from day 0).

SEE: WASTELAND, BABY! SERIES MASTERLIST

If you had known stopping at some random bar in the southern part of Hodogaya-ku would lead to a fucking college student attaching himself to you like a goddamn leech, then you would have gone to a different bar. You should’ve known better; this area is close to YNU, but you figured it was lowkey enough that most of the college students wouldn’t know about it. 

It’s just your luck that the most irritating one just so happened to.

Your eye twitches as you take another sip of your whiskey, pointedly ignoring the brunette who’d made his home on the barstool next to yours. He’s talking about something—an assignment for his creative writing class that you could hardly give half a shit about—and your head hurts. You’d been hoping for a quick drink before having to go back to headquarters and give Mori the rundown on the negotiations with Mishima.

You don’t want to go back. Mori pissed you off by scheduling this meeting without notifying you of it until literally thirty minutes before. But you also think that if you stay here any longer, you might murder this kid—and that’s saying a lot for someone who usually refuses to get her hands dirty.

“... but you see, I just have no inspiration,” the student—he said his name, but you ignored it—complains loudly, slumping over dramatically onto the bartop. “How am I supposed to write with no inspiration? I have no muse, no drive, no will to live. What do I do, bella?”

You side-eye him heavily before turning your attention back toward the bartender, Kobayashi, a man who knows who you are and what you do since this is a place that the lower ranking Mafiosos frequent, and is watching the scene taking place with an expression that’s nothing short of concern. You recognize some of the other bar patrons as well—one is an informant of yours that you’ve been meaning to get in contact with, two of Chuuya’s subordinates are here, and one of Kouyou’s.

“Luckily, I’ve run into you, bella,” the man sighs dreamily, big brown eyes peering up at you from where he’s draped across the bar. “You’ll be my muse, won’t you?” 

For the first time since you’ve arrived at the bar, you address him, “I think I would rather die.”

He blinks once. Twice. And then he laughs so loud that it draws half of the patrons’ attention. “Would you allow me to die with you?” he pleads, hands clasped together as he leans in closer to you. “I knew you were the one for me—it could be beautiful, a double suicide on the banks of Tsurumi. I-”

“Okay,” you say more to yourself than him, placing your wine glass on the bar and rising to your feet. “I’m leaving.”

He pushes his lip out as he watches you rise to your feet. You tell Kobayashi to put your drink on your tab before turning on your heel and making your way out of the bar. Much to your extreme displeasure, the student seems to follow you, scrambling after you.

“Wait! Won’t you give me your name? Number?” he cries. 

You slam the door to the bar in his face, but he’s unperturbed, yelping and pushing it right back open. You grit your teeth when you realize Albatross is the one who came to pick you up and bring you back to base, which means you’re never going to hear the end of this from him or any of the other Flags. You can already see him peering out the closed window, trying to figure out who’s chasing you.

“No.”

“How will I find you again then?” he laments, and to your horror, he catches up with you, trying to grab your wrist to stop you from leaving. You toss him a flinty look before snatching your wrist back. 

“That’s the point.” You smile sweetly. “You won’t.”

You get in the car and slam the door shut, pointedly locking it before turning your attention to Albatross, who’s already chewing on his bottom lip, trying not to laugh.

“So,” he starts with a tone that lets you know you’re very much not going to like whatever he’s about to say.

“Albatross, shut the fuck up.”

Dazai stares after you curiously, watching as you slam the door shut to a car that probably costs more than everything he’s ever owned in his entire life. He doesn’t think he’s ever met someone like you before, and he doesn’t even know what it is about you that’s drawing him in. 

You’re beautiful but cold, aloof but magnetic. He hadn’t been the only one affected by your presence—he’d noticed the lingering stares of other men in the bar, the way the bartender always rushed to ensure that your glass was full, hardly able to meet your eyes. Something itches in the back of his head, a gut feeling that maybe he’s missing something, but Dazai disregards it, leaning against the brick wall of the building behind him, tilting his head up to look up at the vast night sky. 

He does know one thing for sure, and that’s that he thinks he’s found his muse. After four years of the worst writer’s block he’s had in his life, Dazai’s fingers finally twitch for a pen.

He finds a smile curling onto his lips—a genuine one—and the muscles of his cheeks strain from the unfamiliar stretch.

For the first time since Odasaku’s death, the emptiness that has been endlessly plaguing Dazai’s chest is pushed out by a warmth that he hasn’t experienced in years. Letting out a shaky breath, giddy and excited in a way that leaves a skip in his step, Dazai makes his way back to his apartment rather than the bridge as he planned, intent on trying to figure out a way to find you again.

Maybe another day, Odasaku.

The gods are sick and cruel. You’ve known this since you were a child—seven years old and sitting in the center of piles of corpses after your village got caught in the crossfires of the Great War, rescued by a man who promised to send you right back if you couldn’t prove your worth to him. Your entire life, you feel like you’ve been the laughing stock of whatever higher beings there are, which is why you’re aggrieved but not surprised when that boy from the bar shows back up in your life.

You don’t even notice him at first. You’re exhausted—you’ve spent the past forty-eight hours awake and on comms for Akutagawa Gin and Tachihara Michizou as they infiltrated one of the low-rung gangs trying to move into the northern wards of Yokohama. It took longer for them to get to the leader than you thought it would, you were confident that it would be an in-and-out, less than twelve hours, but here you are two fucking days later, and you can’t even go back to your apartment and sleep because someone is demanding your immediate presence.

You wonder, sometimes, if death would be easier.

A part of you wants to just straight up ignore Mori and go back home to sleep. You personally think you deserve it, considering the mission went off without a single issue besides the unexpected length of it, but you also don’t want to hear the man bitch and make snide comments about insubordination, so you give your coffee order to the barista—your voice a bit too harsh, so you make up for it with a generous tip and then go wait for it at the opposite counter.

“Wowwww,” an unfortunately familiar voice croons from a nearby table. “Look at those bags. Someone didn’t sleep well last night.”

You think maybe death would be easier.

“As if my night couldn’t get any worse,” you say tightly, lips pressed together in a strained smile as you stare ahead, refusing to even turn to look at the irritating college student.

“It’s actually morning,” he says astutely.

“Find someone else to bother.”

He ignores you, naturally, and you let your eyes slide shut as you will yourself some patience when you hear the chair scrape against the ground, signaling him rising to his feet. You keep your gaze trained ahead even as you hear him approach you.

“Do you believe in fate, bella?” he hums, leaning over your shoulder to look at you.

You squint as you stare forward, rushing desperately for the barista to hurry up with your coffee, and you pointedly step away from him. “No.”

Well, you don’t actually know the answer to that question. Do you believe in fate? You don’t think you do. You like the idea of being able to carve out your own future without the meddling hands of gods trying to interfere, but can you really believe that everything in your life that’s happened to you is just by sheer chance? You’re not so sure.

“Well, I believe in fate,” he begins, and you already know you’re not going to like where this is going. “If I didn’t before, I certainly do now. What else could have led me to you again so soon? The red string tied around our fingers is demanding our love to finally bloom; it no longer tolerates the distance between us. My fated, no wonder I’ve evaded death for so long; it refused to embrace me because it knew I belonged in your arms instead!”

You almost don’t even register what he says, blinking a few times as the words process. 

“Genuinely, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

You turn to face the brunette, appalled, and he gives you a sweet smile before saying, “You’ll have to be more specific. There’s a lot of things wrong with me.”

“Clearly,” you scoff, shaking your head and taking your coffee from the barista.

You can already feel your phone buzzing incessantly in your pocket. You don’t even have to look to know it’s Mori asking where you are, probably Chuuya bitching about having to cover for you too. You can’t waste any more time lingering around, so without another thought or word, you promptly leave the cafe.

“Hey! Hey, wait!” he calls after you. Much to your displeasure, he scrambles to grab his over-the-shoulder backpack before, much to your displeasure, chasing after you. “My name is Dazai. Dazai Osamu.”

“Did I, at any point, ask?” you ask irritably, making your way down the street in the direction of the headquarters, hoping that he leaves you alone before you get there because the last thing you want to do is get there with him trailing you like a lost puppy. Albatross already saw him following after you once. If he catches the kid around you again, he’s going to start making assumptions, and that’s the last thing you need because he’ll immediately go gossip to Chuuya and Lippmann about it.

“Well, no,” Dazai says, “but won’t you give me your name in return?”

“No,” you say, giving him a smile as equally sweet as the one he gave you before. You roll your eyes as you take a sip of your coffee. “Don’t you have more productive things to do than bother me? Like, I don’t know, finishing that assignment you spent two hours bitching my ear off about a few nights ago?” 

“You remembered.” Dazai stares at you with stars in his eyes, face lighting up. “I thought you weren’t paying attention.”

“It’s hard not to pay attention when you’re babbling in my ear,” you say dryly, a bit put off by how surprised and pleased he is over you remembering what he’d been talking about. “Why are you still following me?”

“I want your name,” Dazai pouts, words drawn a bit long as if to make a point, but it only makes your eye twitch. “Your number, if you’re feeling generous.”

“Well, I’m in a decidedly bad mood, so you’re getting neither,” you say, giving him a faux sweet smile that makes him push his lip out even further. “You look ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously cute?” 

“No. Ridiculous.”

“Your beauty blinds me to your cruelty,” Dazai sighs dramatically. “I will not be driven away.”

“You should have more self-respect,” you say flatly, giving him yet another facetious smile before letting it drop and giving him a side-eye. You look him over once as you do; he’s dressed casually in a cream sweater and corduroy pants, a brown bag slung over his shoulder. Cute, but sickeningly… civilian. He seems to notice your judgment of him and looks offended—you speak before he can complain. “I have to go to work, so it’s time for you to leave.”

“To work?” Dazai blinks as if he hadn’t expected that from you, brows furrowing. “You look dead on your feet. You should be going home.”

I wish, you think mournfully. Even just the thought of your bed makes your body heavy with exhaustion. You just want to sleep, but Mori won’t even allow you the relief of that. You can’t help but wonder if you pissed him off because you have no idea why he’s being such an asshole. You don’t even think you did anything this time; you disagreed with him at one of the executive meetings last week, but you weren’t even rude while doing it. And you thought your idea was good. 

You realize that Dazai is still waiting for a response from you, and you try to recall what he’d said, rolling your eyes when you do.

“Wow, thank you.” Your voice is dry and sarcastic. You give him a withering look that he meets with a stupid smile. “The longer you hold me up, the longer it’ll take for me to get home and sleep, so kindly fuck off.”

Dazai sighs. “The things I do for love,” he says mournfully, stopping in his tracks and giving you a downcast look, brown eyes wide and sad and lips curled down. You’re actually a bit surprised that he gave in, letting out a hum of appreciation—you almost didn’t think he would. “The next time we meet, you have to give me your name.”

“We’re not going to meet again,” you say firmly, and you mean it this time because if you see this guy again, you’re going to flee in the other direction. For his sake and your dignity because it’s only a matter of time before unwelcome eyes catch you with him.

“We will,” he sings. “Fate demands it of us. Goodbye, bella. Have a good day.”

You don’t respond to him when you walk away. Dazai is still undeterred. He’s hardly stopped thinking of you since that night at the bar a few days ago. Every time his mind drifts off, he finds himself picturing your face, longing to talk to you again. He thinks maybe it’s a bit weird for him to be so enamored by you after just two brief meetings, but there’s just something about you that’s drawing him in like a moth to flame.

His eyes linger on you until you turn the block and disappear from view. He’s a bit put out over the fact that he still doesn’t have your name, but he thinks that the meeting is still a win in his eyes. First at the bar, now at this cafe, you must live or work somewhere in the eastern part of the Kanagawa Prefecture—Hodogaya-ku or Minami-ku, maybe Nishi or Naka. He’s leaning toward the latter, considering you’re heading eastward to get to wherever your work is.

And it would make sense. Naka-ku has all of the high-end corporations, and you must work for one of them. Your outfit the other day, your outfit today—not gaudy wealth, but wealth for sure. He thinks the black suits you wear cost more than his tuition, and the rings adorning your fingers cost a liver or three. You can’t be much older than him if you even are, so you’re probably just a nepo-baby—father owns one of the big corps and gave you a high-up position right out of school. Probably never had to work a day in your life, he thinks bitterly of all of the time he’s spent working odd jobs just to afford rent in the area, surviving off cheap ramen and canned crab.

But it’s a bit odd, isn’t it? You look like you haven’t slept in two days, maybe longer. Dazai almost felt bad for badgering you just because of how exhausted you seemed. Dazai can’t imagine any type of business demanding that type of energy from one of its workers—especially a nepo-baby.

Dazai finally shakes his head, glancing down at his phone to see the time, sighing when he realizes it’s time to get to class for his poetry workshop, a bit more pleased because, for the first time since classes started three months ago, he actually has something to give to the professor.

The next time you run into Dazai, you see him first. Despite vehemently telling yourself that you would run in the other direction if you happened upon him again, you find yourself hesitating. You don’t even know why you’re hesitating; you shouldn’t be hesitating. 

You’re stopping at one of the libraries at YNU to meet with an informant of yours—the son of the leader of your political opposition in the House of Councillors—all it took was a few sweet words and teasing smiles to have the boy wrapped around your finger, giving you all of the dirty details of his father's dealings for you to use against him when trying to sway the swing votes to your side.

It’s supposed to be an in-and-out meeting, and you don’t want to spend more than 15 minutes in this building if you don’t have to. You still have to meet with one of the oil barons from Venezuela that Mori is trying to get in bed with, and you’re hoping to meet with Mishima before the new military bill passes through the House of Representatives in two months—you suppose you can do that tomorrow, but you’re pretty sure he’s leaving to go deal with some issue with his narcotics trade in western Europe in a few days so you don’t want to leave it to the last minute.

The kid—you don’t even remember his first name, you only know that he’s Kimura’s asshole son, and he cares more about getting his dick wet than the sanctity of family secrets (not that it bothers you considering you’re benefiting from it, but you digress)—is surely already upstairs in one of the private study rooms waiting for you, but your feet are rooted to the ground.

Dazai Osamu sits at one of the study tables in the back, brows furrowed as he reads whatever textbook is in front of him, dressed in a cozy brown sweater. He looks distinctly displeased, tongue poking out between his lips as he scribbles away at his paper—you can’t tell what he’s reading or writing, but it notably does not look like creative writing.

He also looks distinctly lonely. He’s sitting alone at a table meant for four, and there are dozens of groups of students around him, chatting and laughing in their study groups. There are tables for one person lining the walls, so you can’t help but wonder if he chose the larger table specifically to spite the people coming in groups so they have to cram at a smaller table or if he’s meeting people here.

Before you can stop yourself—because you should stop yourself—you find yourself making your way over to him. He doesn’t even notice you at first, not until you’re right in front of the table and peering down at the textbook he’s reading: Intro to Engineering.

“That doesn’t look like creative writing,” you say dryly, lips quirking up in amusement when Dazai physically startles at your appearance, looking up at you with wide eyes and parted lips. Almost cute, if he wasn’t so annoying—you think maybe if he was one of Kouyou’s girls, you might’ve given him a chance.

For a second, Dazai looks as if he’s going to make a quip—you expect a loud comment about fate and love, but instead, his expression softens after a minute as he looks down at his textbook, making you tilt your head to the side curiously at the change in demeanor.

“Intro to Engineering,” he finally says with a wry smile, motioning toward the book. “A required class, much to my extreme displeasure.”

“Sounds terrible,” you say absently, gaze flicking around, noting all of the prying eyes now not-so-discreetly eyeing your table. 

You’re used to people staring at you, you have eyes on you pretty much at all times, and a bunch of nobody college students are nothing compared to the eyes of politicians and foreign mafiosos, half of whom want your head piked. Dazai, on the other hand, doesn’t look quite as comfortable beneath the stares of so many of his classmates, which is surprising to you, considering how bold he was with you at the bar and in public the other day. 

“Are you meeting people?” you ask curiously, glancing at the empty chairs around him.

For a second, Dazai looks flustered. You watch as his eyes dart from the chairs and back up to you, the faintest pink hue spreading across his cheeks. His lips part to respond, but no words leave then, and he finally pushes out, “Yes.”

A lie. A blatant one at that, and he can tell how poorly it came out from the way he winces. You blink, curious as to why he doesn’t want to admit he’s at the library alone, but then shrug because you don’t really care.

“Why are you here?” You raise your eyebrows at the sheer attitude in the question, almost caught off guard by it. Dazai clearly did not intend for it to come out that way, so he immediately shrinks and then adds too quickly, “You don’t go to school here, I mean.”

“Yeah… okay,” you say dryly, a bit offended, wondering why you even came over here. Dazai looks remorseful at his words but only averts his gaze down to the table. Finally, you sigh, choosing your words carefully because you don’t want him—or anyone—to know you’re meeting someone because if anyone finds out Kimura’s kid is feeding you information, you’d be in a shitty position. Instead, you go with, “I own this building. I come to check on it from time to time.”

Any remorse on Dazai’s face is gone as he stares at you flatly. “You… own this building?”

“I donated the money to have it built, yes,” you say, unsure of why he’s giving you such a deadpan expression. 

And it’s the truth: you did it three years ago when you first realized Kimura’s son was attending YNU as a freshman. You needed an excuse to come to campus and ‘run into him,’ so you decided to just have a library built with the reasoning that your deceased father attended the university, and you wanted it in his name. 

Did your father attend YNU? You have no idea—hardly even remember the man—but you had Piano Man forge some records to show that he did.

“Why?” Dazai asks.

“I was in a good mood,” you say sarcastically to evade the question.

“You were in a good mood, so you decided to spend hundreds of millions of yen on a library for a university you don’t even attend?” he questions doubtfully.

“I was in an exceptionally good mood,” you amend smugly.

The expression on Dazai’s face is nothing short of bitter and withering. “The next time you’re in a good mood, you should pay for my tuition and rent,” he says snidely.

“Well, my next project is a zoo,” you say, and you can tell from the way Dazai’s eyes narrow that he knows he’s not about to like what you’re going to say. “We can fit you in with the rest of the baboons, I suppose. That’ll be your new apartment.”

“Haha. Very funny.”

“I thought so.”

As you banter, there’s something sharp and calculating in his eyes that you don’t like—you vaguely noticed it in the past two meetings with him but are only really catching it now as he stares steadily at you, trying to figure you out. Which you can’t let happen, obviously, so you give him a faux-sweet smile instead and lift your hand to wave your fingers in a goodbye, preparing to make your leave and go find Kimura’s kid upstairs. 

“I have to go,” you say, and then add belatedly, “hope this never happens again.”

Dazai pushes his lip out into a pout reminiscent of the one he gave you the other day outside of the cafe, but his heart doesn’t seem to be in it this time. His eyes are distant as they flick around the vast library again, disappointed almost. Lonely. You don’t know why you’re still standing there and you especially don’t know why you find your lips parting to speak.

You very much don’t know why your name comes out, and when Dazai looks up at you, eyes wide and with a shine in them that wasn’t there before, a question ready on his lips, you almost hesitate. Almost find yourself at a loss for words. Something that hasn’t happened to you in… years, actually. 

What the fuck?

You play it off quickly. “You wanted my name, didn’t you?” you drawl, looking down at him unimpressed as if you’re not entirely horrified with yourself right now.

Dazai looks at you as if you’ve handed him the stars, sun, and moon on a silver platter, and you decide it’s time to leave before he can say anything else—more importantly before you can say anything else—lifting your hand lazily to wave at him over your shoulder without looking back. 

Once you’re well out of sight—all the way up the stairs leading to the private study rooms with the one-way glass windows looking down into the main section of the library—you finally allow yourself one last look.

Dazai still sits the same exact way you left him, staring at where you’d left with a stupid smile on his face and a starstruck look in his eyes. You roll your eyes, and you firmly choose to ignore the faint smile curving at the corners of your lips.

Your name rings through his head on repeat, a giddy feeling spreading through his chest. His whole body feels light and his fingers thrum across the wood of the table he’s sitting at, unable to stop the smile that rises to his lips. You approached him this time and you gave him your name—progress, good progress. In his exhilaration, he can almost ignore the dozens of curious eyes lingering on him wondering who you were and how you knew Dazai of all people. 

He supposes he can’t blame them for being curious—you’re someone who’s clearly not cut from the same cloth as the rest of them; if your clothes didn’t make that apparent enough, the way you hold yourself does. And to approach him… Dazai isn’t particularly liked by the other students in his year—they think he’s odd. Which, he is odd, but they could be more discreet about it.

“Hey, Dazai-kun, who was that?” one of the third-year boys asks, leaning over from his table to try to get Dazai’s attention, intrigued gaze pinned on where you’d disappeared to.

Dazai pointedly does not acknowledge him. Partially because he’s not about to encourage competition, you’re Dazai’s muse, and Dazai is not keen on sharing you, but mostly because he doesn’t even know the answer to that question. 

Who are you? 

Dazai knew you were wealthy just from the way you dressed, but the way you so casually mentioned that you’d donated the money for this library to be built a few years ago was absurd. You can’t be much older than him, so what? You were eighteen or nineteen, donating hundreds of millions, billions of yen to have a library built? And for what? It doesn’t make sense. Dazai prides himself on his shrewd mind and ability to read people, but he just can’t figure you out. 

He must be missing something

He pulls out his phone, clicking on the safari app before hesitating. You only gave him your first name—he doubts that he’ll actually find anything on you, but a part of him holds out hope because you clearly have more money than god, and anyone with that much money must have some heavy sway on politics and society. Rich people have the media following them like dogs looking for a bone.

So, he tries, and he’s sorely disappointed when only websites about name etymology and pronunciation pop up. He sighs as he flips to a new page in his notebook, giving up on trying to figure out these engineering formulas for now. 

Instead, he writes your name at the top of the page, tapping his pen to his lips as he tries to figure out who exactly his new muse is. 

You don’t see Dazai for two weeks after that. You don’t have the chance to—you’re busy getting ready for the gala the government is hosting to honor some agency based in Tokyo. An excuse so they can gather all of the House Representatives and Councillors in one spot for both sides to advocate for or against the major military bill passing through the National Diet in a month and a half. You’ll be attending to represent the Mori Corporation, as always, and you’re hoping Mishima sends Kiyomasa on behalf of Age of Blue Co., his own front for the Sun and Steel. You think with the two of you taking on the burden of convincing the swing votes, you’ll get it done.

Now, though, you’re in a foul mood because you have to waste time you don’t have out of your day to deal with one of the landlords the Port Mafia is leasing property to. He’s been skimping out on payments owed and, evidently, has grown balls that he certainly shouldn’t have, considering he had the nerve to turn away two of your subordinates when they came to collect. He obviously thinks he can get away with it because it's a low-priority issue compared to all of the other things going on with the military bill and developments in China and Russia with Cao Xueqin and Vladimir Nabokov. You have half a mind to stuff a 24 in his mouth and pull the trigger just to show him how low of a priority he really is. 

You might, honestly, depending on his decisions in the next ten minutes.

You get to the complex in Hodogaya-ku half-past six in the morning, wanting to get this done and out of the way well before Tolstoy arrives in the city at ten to meet with you about the rising issues in the mainland. For once, luck seems to be on your side because when Albatross pulls up to the complex, you see Mado on the phone outside, in a heated conversation with someone.

“Have fun,” Albatross sings as you push open the car door to make your way over to the older man.

Mado catches sight of you instantly, eyes widening and pallor taking on a ghastly color as he hangs up on whoever he is talking to so he can take a step back closer to the front doors of the complex. You tilt your head to the side, pointedly shifting your suit jacket so he can catch sight of the gun holstered at your side before hiding it again.

“I wouldn’t do that,” you say with a thin smile as you draw closer.

“You’re-” Mado begins but cuts himself off quickly.

“Mado-kun,” you greet, hands clasped behind your back as you watch the man carefully. “I hear you had an issue with two of my subordinates.”

“I-”

“Or, well, there was no issue because you quite rudely turned them away,” you amend dryly. “I’d love to know your reasoning. I’ve got a few running theories of my own.”

“You misunderstand-”

“The most plausible theory, in my opinion, is that you think you can slide under the radar because there are more important things going on right now. You think you can make quick money by shaving off the money owed to us to keep for yourself,” you continue, smile falling off your face. “If that’s the case, I’m afraid you’re sorely mistaken. The Port Mafia always repays its debts, and we always collect upon them.”

Mado takes in a stunted breath, then steps back again. “N-No. No, you misunderstand-” he tries again, and your lip curls up in frustration, eyes darting around the complex. 

It would be risky. Very risky. The Mafia controls all of the cameras in the complex, and you’re not in sight of any of the windows, but it’s broad daylight, and there’s always the off chance someone walks out while you’re in the process of putting a bullet through his skull. You’re just so fed up, and Albatross is right there…

You let out a puff of air, almost amused, as you take a step back and nod to yourself. Whatever, you think to yourself. It’s better than listening to him stumble over weak excuses, wasting even more of your time. Just as you’re about to reach for your gun, the door to the apartment complex slams open, and you halt.

“Really?” A familiar voice says, loud and frustrated. “You’re going to hang up on me now?”

You blink, head snapping to the side for your eyes to focus on Dazai Osamu, dressed in gray sweats and a black-tshirt, bandages wrapped all the way from his wrists disappearing under his shirt. He’s angry, brows furrowed as he glares at Mado, doesn’t even notice you standing there. Your irritation instantly fades, replaced with mild curiosity and entertainment.

“Dazai,” you greet easily, an amused smile curling at the corners of your lips. You ignore the stunned look Mado casts between the two of you. “You live here?”

Dazai freezes as soon as he hears your voice, brown eyes wide as looks at you, finally registering your presence. “You-what are you doing here?” He sounds caught off guard, in disbelief.

Almost the same question, almost the same tone as the way he asked why you were at the library two weeks ago, the smile on your lips now is decidedly mocking as you repeat the answer you gave him back then. “I own this building. The whole complex, actually.”

“You’re joking,” Dazai says flatly.

“Hmm,” you say, as if you’re thinking to yourself. “No, I don’t believe I am. Ask Mado-kun here, I’ve had to take time out of my day to come speak to him because he refuses to pay for the property we lease to him.”

You give Mado a faux-sweet smile, watching as he looks even more aghast as he looks between you and Dazai.

Dazai looks incensed by your words. “So not only do you refuse to fix my water problems, but you can’t even pay for the property?” he says snidely. “Somehow, I’m not surprised.”

You raise your eyebrows, glancing at Dazai and then back to Mado. “Is that so?”

“Dazai-san,” Mado laughs nervously. “Don’t be hasty now-”

“Hasty?” Dazai demands. “I’ve gone two weeks without water. Every time I call you about it, you blow me off.”

“How fascinating,” you say lightly, giving Mado a cool look. “Well, the complex will have a new landlord soon. Mado-kun, please head to the car so we can work out the details of terminating the contract.”

Mado stares at you as if you’ve just signed his death sentence. Which you suppose you have. Terminating the contract is a gentler way of putting terminating his life. You raise your eyebrows and lift your hand to shoo him away, making eye contact with Albatross who had stepped out of the car as soon as Dazai had come outside.

Albatross tosses you a wink and nods toward Dazai; you give him a withering look, directing your attention back to Dazai as Mado walks over to the sleek black car you’d arrived in.

The look Dazai gives you is akin to a kicked puppy, and his words are drawn out long as he speaks, a quiet whine that shouldn’t do something to you but it does. “I was suffering in your building for two weeks,” he pouts. “I should be compensated.”

You roll your eyes. “I’ll send someone to fix your water,” you say dryly. 

“You should give me your number,” Dazai says sweetly. “Just in case this happens again.”

“I’ll get you a new landlord and I’ll give you his number,” you say just as sweetly, relishing in the way he pushes his lip out even more.

“But what if it’s another bad landlord? I should have your number so I can call you just in case,” Dazai presses, tilting his head to the side and batting his lashes at you so blatantly that you have half a mind to snort and walk away.

Instead, you find yourself letting out a huff of laughter as you shake your head.

“Fine,” you say before you can stop yourself, which he clearly doesn’t expect from how his eyes shoot open, and you don’t expect from the way your heart rate spikes as soon as the words register. 

What the fuck?

You justify this by telling yourself that Mado’s inability to properly run the complex has, in turn, made the Mafia look bad, making it seem as if you’re unable to manage your own properties. It’s better to have someone who will instantly start complaining as soon as things go wrong so you can fix it right away.

Dazai scrambles to pull his phone from the pocket of his sweats and your lips quirk up a bit when you see the way his fingers are just barely trembling. 

Cute.

You can see him watching you anxiously from the corner of his eye as you type your number into his phone quickly with your first name and hand it back to him. A bit embarrassed by how quickly you gave in to him, you make up for it with: “Don’t bother me unless it’s urgent.”

“Mhm,” Dazai agrees as he takes his phone back from you, looking down at your contact information with bright eyes. Then he suddenly pouts, “You didn’t even give yourself a cute contact name. Just your first name. That’s so boring.”

You watch as he immediately starts typing and squint at him, “What did you change it to?” you ask suspiciously, trying to look, but he pockets his phone before you can, tossing you a saccharine smile.

“You should waive my rent too,” Dazai adds, voice soft and honeyed.

The fucking audacity of this kid, you think to yourself, almost laughing in disbelief. You just gave him your number against all better judgment—he has to have more than a few screws loose, maybe all of them. The worst part is, you think the more time you spend around him, the looser yours become, too, because somehow you’re actually considering it.

You shouldn’t even be having this conversation with him. He’s a civilian. You’re an executive in the Mafia. You shouldn’t have given him your number, you shouldn’t have given him your name, you shouldn’t have entertained any of this at all. He’s a civilian, and you can’t be giving him special treatment because he is a civilian. A normal guy going to university to live a normal life. The more time you spend around him, the more likely he is to become one of the nameless bodies dumped in the abandoned shipping container yard by the ports, caught in the crossfires of an underworld conflict that he shouldn’t be anywhere near just because he was seen with you.

This shouldn’t bother you. It shouldn’t. You’ve been the reason for countless deaths, pulled the trigger yourself on most, so why is it when you think of Dazai Osamu’s stupid big brown eyes glassy and empty—body forgotten and rotting in a pile of corpses in that dumping ground—do you find your mouth dry and your chest tight?

It’s an effort for you to force out a laugh and wave him off over your shoulder as you turn to leave. 

“Yeah, as if.”

There’s a skip in Dazai’s step as he makes his way back into his small studio apartment, fingers curled around his phone. As soon as he shuts the door, he flings himself onto his futon, pulling his phone out of his pocket and smiling at the new contact in it.

My Muse is what he’d changed the contact to from the boring name you’d entered it under as if you were only just an acquaintance to him and not his muse, his inspiration, his will to live. He clicks the message button on your contact and quickly types:

Dazai: hi (＠＾◡＾)

Instantly, it pops up that you read the message, and he waits anxiously for the three dots to appear, signaling that you’re typing a response, but they never come. He pouts to himself when he realizes that you’re not going to respond. A part of him wonders if maybe you gave him a fake number, but he doubts it. Still, Dazai wanted to get more information on you anyway, so he quickly pulls up a different contact. Dazai might not have a lot of friends, but he does have a lot of people who owe him favors.

Dazai: kataiii, remember when i helped u get a date with that brunette at the cafe? :P Katai: What do you want?

Dazai types in your number and promptly sends it to him. 

Dazai: tell me whatever info u can find about the person who owns this number.

Katai doesn’t respond, so Dazai figures that he’s already on the hunt. Instead, he grabs his notebook and flips right to the page where he’s been listing all of the things he’s noticed about you. 

Rich. Nepo baby?

Demanding job? What type of nepo baby has a demanding job?

REALLY rich? Built the nice library on campus, donated hundreds of millions of yen at 18/19 to build it—weird. Evaded answering when asked why.

Dazai taps his pen to his lips, trying to figure out what he wants to add on the next bullet point, and just as he thinks he’s formulated his next observation, his phone buzzes again.

Katai: No information. At all. Not even a name. Dazai: really? Katai: Yeah. Kind of weird, honestly. Usually I can find at least something small to go off of. It’s like this number doesn’t exist.

Interesting, Dazai thinks to himself, even more intrigued now as he sits up in his futon and starts making his next note. Wealthy, distant, cold, and apparently a ghost to even Katai Tamaya, who can usually find anyone and everyone with the smallest bit of information. 

Who are you?

You’re in a meeting with Mori, Kouyou, and Ace when you get the text. It’s from an unsaved number, but one that you already have ingrained in your head, considering you get several dozen texts a day from it. You don’t even know why you bother to check this time—you usually just ignore them until you have nothing better to do than see what he’s yapping on about. Maybe this time, it’s because it’s only a single message; you’re used to getting them en masse, eight or nine messages in a row, unnecessarily split up when they could’ve been combined into one message.

As Ace drones on about whatever issues he’s having at his casinos, you spare a glance down at your phone, unlocking it to click on the message. You halt when you see that the only thing Dazai sent you is a ping with his location. Your eyes flit back upward to make sure no one is looking at you, and then you type a quick message back.

You: ?

You wait, tongue scraping against the roof of your mouth as the three bubbles pop up on your phone. His response is quick, and your stress levels skyrocket when all he sends is a “help.” Your mind races as you try to figure out what to do—if you leave the meeting now, you’re bound to draw Mori’s attention, but…

You shouldn’t care. What are you doing? You should not care. He’s a random kid that you happened to run into a couple of times, who has somehow managed to convince himself that the two of you are fated. He’s delusional and annoying, and you’d probably be better off with him gone and unable to bother you. His existence puts you in danger as much as it does him, and the fact that you’re sitting here actually contemplating going to this location to see what’s wrong is proof enough of that.

Shit.

Once again, you’re forced to justify your own actions to yourself as you find yourself rising to your feet. You tell yourself you’re only heading there to put an end to this, to tell him that he has to stop bothering you, to stop texting a dozen times a minute, several times a day. To tell him that he has to forget about you and go back to whatever he was doing before he ran into you at the bar that night.

With all eyes on you, the cogs in your mind turn quickly for an excuse. You only come up with a vague and weak one, one that you know Mori will question later on.

“Something urgent just came up,” you say, smiling thinly at the three other executives at the round table. You pointedly ignore the curious look in Mori’s eyes, knowing nothing good ever comes from drawing his curiosity. “I have more important things to do than listen to Ace whine about his own failings.”

“You-” Ace spits out, face going red as he stands up, but you’re already leaving the conference room.

You: Have the car outside in 2 minutes. Albatross: not ur personal chauffeur 😒 i’m busy

You roll your eyes at the response as you make your way into the elevator, clicking the button to bring you down to the first floor. Each second in the elevator feels like an eternity, and you find yourself glancing back down at your phone frequently to see if Dazai sends another message, but he does not.

What are you doing?

You find yourself shaking your head, a bit lost and taken aback by your own actions, as the elevator doors slide open to the first-floor lobby. You ignore your subordinates and the other Mafia underlings as you make your way to the front doors of the headquarters. 

Albatross is dutifully waiting outside for you.

“Not my personal chauffeur, huh?” you say sarcastically as soon as you open the door to sit in the passenger seat. “What happened to being busy?”

“You take me for granted,” Albatross complains, head lolling to the side against the headrest to toss you a side-eye. “Where we goin’, doll?” 

You show him the location sent to you, and you pointedly ignore the knowing look Albatross gives you at the unsaved number in your phone. He takes it in his hand to zoom into the precise location and raises his eyebrows.

“The hell is he doing on that side of the city?” Albatross says more to himself than to you, putting the phone down and shifting the car into gear. You also pointedly ignore how he immediately knows who you’re rushing off to help. “‘s a ten minute drive. I’ll get there in three.”

Oh god. It’s not like you haven’t been in car chases with Albatross before, but you don’t think anything can prepare you for the lurching in your stomach as he takes off. They’re fun usually, but you’re also usually with Chuuya, and you’re also usually distracted trying to gun down whoever is giving chase, you’re not paying attention to how dangerously he’s weaving in and out of traffic to get from place to place.

Albatross looks entirely exhilarated. There’s a wide smile on his face, pupils blown wide, sunglasses hanging off the bridge of his nose as he leans forward. He lets out a wild laugh as he takes such a jarring turn that your shoulder slams against the car door. You toss him an angry glare, but Albatross is entirely unperturbed, doesn’t even notice as he lets out a whoop.

That side of the city. You hadn’t even noticed while in the meeting, sparing a glance back down at your phone. Dazai’s up in Tsuzuki-ku—all of the city is under the Port Mafia’s control, all of the city and well beyond, really, most of Japan is under the Port Mafia’s thumb, but the northern wards are frequently tested by lower-rung gangs hoping to try to sliver some of the Mafia’s heartland away from them. They always fail, but sometimes it can get messy, and recently, there’s been another making moves in Aoba-ku.

Your chest tightens in a way that it definitely shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be the first time a wannabe rival to the Mafia targeted someone close to an executive to try to get their hands on one, and you hadn’t exactly been subtly approaching him that day at the library. Two years ago, an organization called the Serpent’s Tongue targeted a girl Chuuya’d been talking to trying to get him to turn himself in—a civilian girl, actually, one that he dragged into this life just like you’re unintentionally doing with Dazai. He turned himself over for her; they killed her anyway, and the whole organization paid for it with their lives. So did all of their families. You don’t think Chuuya’s ever gotten over it.

You’re not trying to start a gang war for a civilian that you’ve met a handful of times, but…

“Should we call for backup?” Albatross asks you, uncharacteristically serious, as the two of you draw closer to the location sent to you. “What if it’s a trap? That Yakuza syndicate’s been pretty active up here in Aoba and Tsuzuki,”

“No,” you say, because you’re not fucking calling in the Black Lizards for this civilian. That’ll make this a whole operation, and then Mori will find out, and then everything will go to shit. “... I’ll text Chuuya.”

You: Where you at? Chuuya: Checking in on the ports in Kanagawa. What’s up?

You: Be on standby?

Chuuya: ??? Ok. What’s going on?

You don’t respond, slipping your phone back into your pocket and resting your head on the window. If Chuuya’s at the ports in Kanagawa-ku, then it won’t take him more than three or four minutes with the Tainted Sorrow to get to your location. You don’t need him barreling over here now if this is something you can handle on your own. The less people that know about Dazai fucking Osamu, the better.

“Uhhh,” Albatross begins. “I don’t think your boy’s in trouble, doll.”

Instantly, your blood pressure spikes.

You follow Albatross’s gaze to where he’s looking at a strip of shops, pulling to a stop in front of an affordable men’s warehouse. You stare blankly. Albatross looks like he’s about to start laughing.

“I’m going to kill him,” you breathe out, stepping out of the car and slamming the door shut so hard that you hear Albatross cursing at you from inside, even when you get all the way to the door of the store.

Your phone is buzzing incessantly, so you pull it out before you go into the building.

Chuuya: Hello?? What’s happening? Where are you? 

Bitterly, you type out a response.

You: Forget it. False alarm.

As soon as you open the door, you’re met with the overwhelming scent of shoe polish and cheap dye. A store attendant comes up to you to ask if you need help with anything, but you’ve already spotted Dazai in the back, looking lost as his eyes card between three black suits.

“You,” you spit out loud enough to get his attention. Dazai’s eyes widen as he looks up at you. “You have some nerve.”

“Bella.” Dazai ignores your ire, a smile lighting up his face. “You came!” 

“You said help,” you accuse angrily. “You said help and sent me a location with no explanation.”

“I do need help,” Dazai pouts. “I don’t know anything about suits. You wear such nice ones all the time, I figure you can help me pick one out.”

“Do I look like a goddamn stylist, Dazai?” You raise your voice, livid, blood still running hot from the panic you felt when you saw the text, how you’d exposed yourself in front of Mori, from the anxiety of trying to figure out if you needed to bring in the Black Lizards if this was a trap.

Dazai draws back a bit now as if only just realizing that you’re genuinely pissed, and you think you should take your gun and stick it in your own mouth because why are you feeling guilty when he’s the one in the wrong? You haven’t felt guilty for anything a day in your fucking life.

A sick part of you that you want to carve out and throw away defends him. How is he supposed to know the implications of what those messages could mean to someone like you? He’s a college student whose biggest problem of the day is working out the answers to his class assignments, and he has no idea who you are and what you do. He doesn’t know that the first thing that comes to your head is the sight of Chuuya’s girl’s head rolling on the fucking ground, watching him scream over her body. Doesn’t know that there are people out there with blood that runs as black as tar that are trying to hunt you down, would jump at the chance of any weakness to exploit.

You force yourself to calm down. You take a breath, take a step away, look up to the ceiling, and pray to a god you don’t believe in to give you the patience to get through this day.

“Well, since you’re here already…” Dazai tries, giving you a sweet smile and batting his long lashes.

Your eye twitches.

You drag your gaze from his face to the three suits he’s considering. Your lip curls up a bit in disfavor as you reach out to pinch the material between your fingers—it’s stiff and scratchy to the touch, surely uncomfortable to wear.

“What do you need this for?” you finally ask, glancing at him.

“I’m going on a date,” Dazai says proudly. You snort and look him over once. His jaw drops in offense, “That was so rude, what does that mean?”

“What do you really need it for?” you ask dryly. 

Dazai withers, shoulders slumping. “My journalist professor is having me attend some event with him. Told me to get something nice to wear so I don’t look out of place.”

“And you think this will do the job?” you ask distastefully. “This looks like something a high schooler would wear to a school dance.”

Dazai looks helplessly at the suit you’re judging. “How can you tell?” he whines. “It’s just a suit.”

“The material and the color. It’s washed out.”

“Why are rich people so pretentious?” Dazai mutters, more to himself than you, and you raise your eyebrows as you watch him pout, clearly taking in the differences between the suit he picked out and the one you’re wearing. Still, he continues bitterly, “It’s just a suit.”

“You’re going with a journalist. He’s going to want you to blend in so people aren’t careful about what they say around you,” you note offhandedly, tilting your head to the side as you look over him. “The more you dress like them, the less likely they’ll be to notice you and the looser their lips will be.”

This is your field of expertise, you learned all of this when you were thirteen and fourteen, just learning the ropes of mafia politics. The first lesson you learned was that of the importance of being able to camouflage yourself in any crowd—the importance of not only acting and sounding like you belong but looking like you belong. If one thing is even a little off, you’ll be sniffed out by bloodhounds. You don’t even notice how you’re absently lecturing him on it until you catch sight of him from the corner of your eye.

Dazai’s looking at you, curious and taking in your words. You don’t like the sudden intense attention from him, so against better judgment, you sigh and change the subject. 

“Come on,” you say. “I’ll take you somewhere else.”

Dazai’s mouth is dry as he trails after you into a luxury boutique in Nishi-ku. Everything about the place makes him feel uncomfortable and sorely out of place, from the way even the store attendants are dressed in suits that Dazai couldn’t dream of affording to the way he catches them casting looks toward one another as their eyes drift between you and Dazai.

“Yeah, uh, maybe we should go back to that warehouse? I can’t afford this,” Dazai says hesitantly, nearly tripping over a stand because he isn’t paying attention to where he’s walking.

“Obviously,” you say flatly, and Dazai would feel offended, but when he tries to peek around for the price on one of the suits near him, he finds, to his mortification, that there’s not even a price tag to look at. “Kido-san, can you get the backroom set up to take his measurements?”

Measurements, Dazai mouths to himself, feeling a bit lost.

An older man, who must be Kido, nods his head in acknowledgment. “Of course, hime.”

Dazai’s head snaps to the side, watching as your eye seems to twitch at the honorific. 

“Hime?” Dazai whispers urgently, growing more confused by the second. He thought he had a general idea of who you are but finds that every meeting with you leaves him more and more bewildered.

“Don’t call me that,” you scowl before turning to look at him. 

Dazai feels strangely seen under your stare, shifting on his feet from side to side as your gaze trails down from his face to his waist. You squint and then reach out, pinch the fabric of his cotton shirt, and pull it to the side; Dazai bites back a surprised yelp, which you seem to catch from how you give him a distinctly unimpressed look.

“I-” Dazai starts to say, but he doesn’t even know what he wants to say, so he just trails off awkwardly. 

You don’t seem to notice either way because whatever you’re looking for, you seem to have found, letting out a pleased hum as you make your way to the back of the store, leaving him alone with two female store attendants who are observing him like he’s some unknown specimen.

“So, how do you know her?” One finally approaches him with an excited gleam in her eyes, eager for some gossip. “Hime has never brought anyone to us before, not even Nakahara-sama.”

Dazai doesn’t know how to respond to that. Partially because he’s still caught on the way they address you as hime and partially because he’s caught on whoever ‘Nakahara-sama’ is and why they’re so impressed that you brought him here and not them. He feels smug about it, actually, so smug that he entirely forgets to respond until the woman draws back.

“Oh! We won’t tell anyone,” the woman rushes out, shaking her head as if thinking that’s why Dazai isn’t answering her question. “We have a completely confidential policy with our clients, and hime is our most important. We wouldn’t ever risk betraying her trust.”

Dazai’s mind is whirling, trying to store all of the information he’s receiving so he can put it down in his notebook when he gets home. Hime, the reverence in the store attendants’ voices when they talk about you, going to a boutique with a confidentiality policy… that’s all a bit weird, isn’t it? Dazai isn’t sure—rich people are weird in general, maybe it’s not unheard of for high-end boutiques like this to have policies in place in case clients come in and have to talk about their business. Nobody would want to go somewhere where attendants leak trade secrets for a quick buck. 

Hime, though, why-

“Stop badgering him.” Your voice rings through the small boutique as you step out from the backroom, arms folded across your chest as you give the two attendants a sharp look. “Dazai, come.”

Dazai feels like you’re treating him like a pet dog, but he does dutifully follow after you. You motion to a pedestal in the middle of the room and Dazai makes his way over to it, feeling a bit embarrassed as he stands on top of it. You lean against the wall, and Dazai isn’t really sure what to do when Kido waddles over with a measuring tape, so he holds his arms out.

You instantly snort and look away, Kido flattens his lips.

Dazai is embarrassed, but lowers his arms.

“Take off your clothes, Dazai-sama,” the older man snaps his fingers together.

Dazai freezes, hardly even taking note of the honorific because he’s mortified by what’s being requested of him. He does not want to do that because he doesn’t want you to see that he covers his whole body with bandages. He’s had more than enough people see the bandages and immediately cringe away, imagining what monstrosity must lie beneath them for Dazai to hardly even allow an inch of visible skin. Sensing his discomfort, he watches your eyes track down to the bandages peeking over his collar and sleeves, and then you pointedly turn around to face the wall, sighing as you pull out your phone.

Dazai’s lips part a bit in shock, not expecting you to immediately recognize the issue and move to try to fix it. He thinks maybe only one person ever in his life has been able to read him so easily, and he’s been gone for four years. 

For the first time since Odasaku’s death, Dazai feels like someone is actually seeing him.

“Shirt, Dazai-sama,” Kido urges impatiently, and Dazai swallows thickly as he pulls off his sweater, noticing the man pause when he sees the bandages wrapped around Dazai’s whole torso and chest.

“I don’t ever go without them,” Dazai says awkwardly, “I-”

“Take the measurements as is, Kido-san,” you say sharply from where you’re still facing the wall.

Kido doesn’t argue with you, immediately getting to work on measuring Dazai’s waist and hips. As he does, Dazai feels particularly uncomfortable with you still standing there facing the wall, so he finds himself talking.

“The day we met at the cafe, I was going to a poetry workshop,” he says suddenly. “For uni. It’s one of my classes this semester.”

“Yeah?” you ask, and Dazai is almost surprised that you’re indulging his conversation, a stupid smile twitching on his lips. “What’d they have you doing?”

“Our professor had us write free-verse,” Dazai continues, fingers thrumming against his thigh as he speaks—a nervous habit that he can’t seem to break. Kido slaps his hand to get him to stop when it messes up the measurement of his hips, and Dazai promptly stills. “I prefer free verse. It’s my favorite style of poetry.”

Dazai doesn’t really know why he’s rambling about this, but he can’t seem to shut himself up. He can feel his cheeks getting hot, realizing this probably isn’t a conversation you’d be interested in partaking in, and just as he’s about to awkwardly change the subject, you speak up.

“… I prefer sonnets,” you tell him after a few moments of silence.

“You read poetry?” Dazai asks, a bit too doubtfully, from the way you click your tongue in irritation.

“Not often. I don’t have the time for it, but I am not uncultured,” you say, and Dazai smiles a bit—he can practically see the scowl that’s on your face. “Il Canzoniere. Francis Petrarch. That’s my favorite.”

Dazai tilts his head to the side, considering you in a new light. “Huh,” he says more to himself than you. “I didn’t expect that.”

“Put your shirt back on and remove your pants, Dazai-sama,” Kido orders and Dazai nearly jumps, almost having forgotten about the man in his conversation with you. Dazai quickly does as asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable standing there in his briefs with his bandages wrapped around his legs. “I’ll be quick.”

“Why is Il Canzoniere your favorite?” Dazai asks curiously when Kido gets to work measuring each of Dazai’s thighs and calves.

You hum to yourself and then answer, “I think the Petrarchan view of love is very… accurate. How it’s so coveted despite how painful it may be. Among all of his other ideas, of course, but that I think is the most meaningful to me.”

Dazai’s lips part to respond, but for a second, no words leave them. Finally, he clears his throat and forces out, “Yeah… Yeah, I agree with that, too.”

“You’ve read?” you ask.

“Of course, I’ve read.” Dazai is almost offended by the question. “It’s Petrarch.”

“Have you really read it, though? The translations don’t do it justice.”

Dazai blinks. “You can speak Italian?” 

“Several languages,” you drawl, as if it’s nothing. “Useful for business.”

Before Dazai can respond, Kido rises to his feet and motions for Dazai to pull back up his pants, noting down the measurements on his pad. “The rest I can do with your clothes on. You’re free to turn back around, hime.”

You do, and Dazai’s breath hitches at the unreadable expression on your face as you lean back against the wall and look over him. “What made you choose to go into English? Not exactly a useful major unless you plan on going into law or publishing.”

Oh. Dazai hesitates, throat bobbing as he swallows, lashes fluttering as he averts his gaze down toward the floor. “My friend… he passed away a few years ago. Right before I was about to enter college, actually. He asked me to finish his book for him—I told him I don’t know anything about writing and that it’ll turn out bad if he had me do it, but he insisted… and I mean, I can’t really say no to my dying best friend, can I?”

He thinks this might be the first time he’s talked about Odasaku out loud since his death. He didn’t go to the funeral, hasn’t talked to Ango since it all happened. He’s emotionally isolated himself from everyone for years, and Dazai is feeling more than a little vulnerable because he doesn’t even know why he’s telling you all of this. He just can’t seem to shut his mouth.

“I think you’ll do it justice,” you tell him after a few moments of silence.

Dazai looks up at you, dark eyes wide and imploring. He searches your face to see if you’re just fucking with him but only finds sincerity—you immediately look away, focusing on the wall instead. A smile tugs at the corners of his lips and he’s positively vibrating at your words until Kido lets out a heavy sigh.

“Dazai-sama, please stop moving so much.”

Dazai stills immediately and instead focuses on trying to help Kido finish up the measurements as quickly as possible. Dazai’s only been to this part of Nishi-ku a handful of times, but if he remembers correctly, there’s a cafe two blocks down, and this is his chance. 

This is his chance to ask you on a date. He has to take it. He hasn’t felt this giddy, this happy, this hopeful since before he lost Odasaku. Dazai hasn’t looked forward to the future like this in years, just surviving each day, wishing each passing one was his last, but not wanting to disappoint Odasaku by not fulfilling his last request. He’d been at his breaking point that day at the bar, but then he met you.

Then he met you. And yeah, you hadn’t shown much interest in him that night. Not at all, actually, but Dazai had never been drawn to someone like he’d been drawn to you before in his entire life. He’d known something was there, even if that did make him a little delusional. His heartbeat is erratic in his chest, and he’s clumsily trying to help speed things up, but he thinks he might be doing more harm than help. 

When Dazai looks over to you again, he finds himself flustered by the expression on your face. Your head is tilted to the side as you observe him, lips curved up, and a look in your eyes that can only be described as fondness. You don’t notice that he caught you staring, so Dazai tries to burn this image in his head as quickly as he can. He’s used to contemptuous, judgmental looks, he doesn’t think anyone has ever looked at him so affectionately before. It makes him feel warm, like he’s someone who’s capable of being loved. 

The look disappears as soon as you realize he caught you—Dazai misses it instantly. He watches instead as a flurry of conflicted emotions crosses over your face, and he wishes he could read your mind, know what you’re thinking, but he does know that he doesn’t like the painfully neutral expression that settles there, a dreadful feeling growing in his stomach that makes him feel as if something is wrong.

“Are you okay?” Dazai asks, trying to figure out what had changed so quickly.

You don’t respond to him—rather, you look at Kido instead, making his stomach drop.

“Is that all?” you finally ask as Kido rises to his feet.

“Yes, hime,” Kido tells you. “I’ve finished with the measurements.”

“Good,” you say, and then turn on your heel to leave without even sparing another glance toward Dazai. Caught off guard, he readjusts his shirt and nearly trips over his own feet, trying to rush after you. “When do you need this by, Dazai?”

Dazai doesn’t like the sudden distance in your tone, a far cry from the easy conversation the two of you had just been holding, but he forces himself to respond. “Uh, by the end of the month, I think?”

“Kido-san will have it done for you by the end of the week,” you say, tapping something into your phone, hardly paying attention to him. “Come back and pick it up then. Charge it to my card when you’ve figured out the pricing for it, yeah?” 

“Of course, hime,” Kido agrees and Dazai feels a bit unsettled.

“You’ll come with me to pick it up, bella?” he prods, nudging your shoulder and trying to peek over to see what you’re typing, trying to figure out if something is wrong, if he’d done something to cause the abrupt change in attitude or if you’d gotten a text about work or something instead. He feels a bit nervous, his tongue swollen in his mouth, watching you carefully.

You stare at him, and for a terrible, terrible second, Dazai thinks you’re about to tell him no. But then the tension in your brows disappears, letting out a soft puff of air as your expression smoothes out.

“Yeah,” you say quietly. “Yeah, I will.”

When Dazai smiles, feeling light and relieved, hopeful that maybe for the first time since Odasaku’s death, he won’t have to be alone, he misses the way your expression drops as you look away from him. 

“This needs to stop.”

You stiffen at the sound of Chuuya’s familiar voice coming from the door of your bedroom, your shirt half-unbuttoned as you get ready for bed. You raise your eyebrows, turning to look at him over your shoulder, a bit thrown off because you hadn’t even heard the elevator come up to your room.

“Please, enlighten me as to what has you so worked up that you’re barging into my bedroom while I’m half-dressed,” you say dryly, giving Chuuya a cool look as you turn to face him, crossing your arms over your chest.

Chuuya looks uncharacteristically angry at you, lips curled down, eyes cold. It almost makes you draw back, mind racing to try to figure out what you might’ve done to piss him off. You can’t remember the last time he’s been mad at you like this—you’re not sure if he ever has been.

“Dazai Osamu. Fourth year literature student at Yokohama National University. Graduated from Kanagawa Sohgoh High School four years ago. Currently living in building number 10511898050 in the residential area of Iwaicho in Hodogaya-ku, unit number 409. He has an eight am class Mondays and Wednesdays, a two pm class Tuesdays and Thursdays, a-”

“Enough,” you cut him off, voice clipped and heartbeat thudding in your ears as you stare at Chuuya, watching as he gives you a sharp look. 

“It took me less than ten minutes to get all of that information on him,” Chuuya says, voice low, “and no, I didn’t have Albatross help me. What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything,” you say, jaw tight. “He’s just some random fucking kid who I bumped into once and won’t leave me alone now, that’s-”

That’s a lie, you know it, and evidently, Chuuya knows it too from how he scoffs at you and shakes his head. Your expression twists, throat spasming as you swallow. You’d known you were in trouble since you left the boutique—when you’d caught your gaze lingering on him as he fumbled to help Kido with the measurements, only making more work for the poor man, a warm feeling spreading through your chest when you saw how he gradually became more and more comfortable as you entertained his conversation, rambling about poetry and literature, the solemn look that crossed his face when he spoke about his friend.

“I think you’ll do it justice.”

You hadn’t even noticed the way you instinctively made an effort to reassure him, not until he looked back up at you and you saw the pretty flush spreading across his cheeks, gaze flitting to the ground, too flustered to meet your eyes. It’d been like someone tossed cold water right over you, drawing you from your thoughts and smacking you right back into reality.

You had every intention of rebuking him as soon as you finished finalizing the details of the order with Kido—you did. You were going to tell him not to contact you again, that if he did, you’d block his number. You were going to tell him to forget about you and go back to whatever he was doing before he met you that night at the bar—you were. But when he looked down at you through his lashes, unsure and hesitant, as if he knew what you were about to say to him but had the slimmest hope that maybe he was wrong, and-

And you couldn’t do it.

Fuck.

Who even are you anymore? You’re so bitter that you can taste it in your mouth, it’s an ugly and uncomfortable taste. You don’t even know where this is coming from—the reluctance to hurt this kid, the weakness. Because that’s what this is, it’s a weakness, one that you know better than anyone that people will exploit, and you are still putting him in danger.

“Yeah?” Chuuya lets out an unamused laugh, taking a step forward and pulling something out of his pocket. His gaze is challenging, and you have a pit in your stomach, one that tells you you’re not going to like whatever he’s about to say. “The fuck is this then, huh?” 

He slaps a copy of your own credit card transactions down into your hand. Your blood boils when you see the red circle around the recent payment you made to Kido; above that, the 50k yen wired to the new landlord of the complex.

“You’re going to get this fucking kid killed,” Chuuya tells you, leaning in close. “You must realize that by now. You’re going to get him killed. If I could get all of this information so easily, it’s only a matter of time before one of our enemies does. That syndicate in the northern wards. The Red Chamber. Cao Xueqin will have him chopped into pieces and send you on a fucking treasure hunt across the city to get all of his limbs together for a proper burial. And for what? You’re bored? Is that it? You’re gonna have this kid tortured to death because you’re bored?”

You don’t answer, glaring at him as you try to calm yourself down, but you’re unusually rattled by Chuuya’s words. You find your mouth dry, your fingers shaking in your pockets. The sharp, snide words you would usually smack him back with die on your tongue, and you feel like a fool staring at him.

Your lack of response seems to trigger some sort of realization in Chuuya and you watch as his eyes widen briefly, leaning back.

“You actually care about him,” he says quietly, and now he’s the one who looks uncertain, averting his gaze to the side as he thinks.

“No, I don’t,” you correct immediately, shaking your head. “I don’t, Chuuya.”

“You do,” Chuuya murmurs. “It doesn’t matter. You can’t continue this. Cut it loose now, before it gets any further, before you end up getting him killed.”

“I’m not you,” you spit out, a low blow, you know. To Chuuya’s credit, he doesn’t react beyond a sharp inhale, nostrils flaring briefly.

“No, you’re not,” he agrees. “I wouldn’t be so fucking stupid to make the same mistake twice.”

“That was your mistake,” you hiss. “Not mine.”

Chuuya laughs, a huff that’s more mocking than amused, as he takes a step away from you. You’d think you’d prefer anger or hate more than the thinly veiled pity within them now. 

“It’ll be your mistake too soon,” he warns, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he turns to leave. “You’re smarter than this.”

You are. You are smarter than this. You know this will turn out the same way it did with Chuuya. You can picture it sometimes. Dazai’s body in place of hers, bruised and beaten, lacerations lining his cold body and his head severed from his neck—a trophy to be taken by your enemies. His blood stains your hands and clothes, no matter how much you scrub your skin raw and no matter how many new outfits you buy. Whenever you look down, you see his blood dripping off of you.

“I’m not reaching out to him again,” you finally say, ignoring the way your chest tightens. “Get the fuck out of my apartment, Chuuya.”

Chuuya looks back at you, not even bothering to hide the pity this time. You have half a mind to slap it right off of his face.

“For your sake and his, I hope you don’t.”

“Dazai-kun, are you even paying attention?”

Dazai startles out of his own head, blinking rapidly as his gaze focuses on Professor Ui, who’s watching Dazai with a disapproving frown. Dazai gives the older man a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Sorry, Ui-sensei. I was distracted,” Dazai apologizes, glancing once more back down at his phone, smile softening a bit when he sees you read his messages complaining about such a late meeting on campus. You don’t respond, naturally, but Dazai can practically picture you rolling your eyes at him.

“Please focus,” Professor Ui says tightly. “It’s essential that you understand our plans going into this event. We have two weeks left to prepare.”

Dazai sighs as he puts his phone down, looking up at Professor Ui and the two other students who are going to be working this event with him, both of whom look irritated by Dazai’s lack of focus.

“The event we’ll be attending is going to be hosted at the Tocho for a special agency in Tokyo that handles violent crimes associated with criminal enterprises. They made huge progress in pushing the Scarlet Gang out of the Asakusa Ward—the government wants to celebrate them for it,” Professor Ui explains, for the second time clearly, seeing how the two other students share a look with one another. “The whole event is pretty much just a mask for Representatives and Councillors in the Diet to gather and advocate for and against a major military bill about to pass through the Lower House.”

Dazai can already feel himself losing focus again, itching to text you yet another update that you won’t respond to, but he knows you’ll read. He wonders what you’re doing right now—whatever rich people do at seven on a Thursday night, he supposes. Probably out drinking with people, he thinks, jealous that he’s stuck on campus getting the rundown on this stupid assignment. He pouts a bit to himself, wondering if you’re with other guys right now, listening to them ramble on in the same way Dazai did to you, but before his thoughts can spiral too much in that direction, Professor Ui clears his throat.

“Our goal during this event is to find viable proof to move forward with an exposé on a crime syndicate known as the Sun and Steel,” Professor Ui says, and Dazai suddenly straightens, interested in what his professor is saying. “We’ve received a tip that one of their executives is going to be attending this event under the pretense of being an interested party—invites have been sent out to a lot of major corporations who have stakes in the bill. We believe that the Sun and Steel is using a company called the Age of Blue as a front for its criminal activities—if we can find proof and expose them for what they are, it can be a major stepping stone to taking down some of the bigger organizations in Japan.”

“Ui-sensei,” Hinami says, leaning forward in her seat. “The government wouldn’t really let some mafias attend an event for an agency that’s dedicated to taking them down. That’s a bit…”

“Ironic,” Ayato snorts, folding his arms over his chest. “I mean, if there’s no proof of their front company being involved in shady shit—oh, uh, sorry, sensei—shady stuff, it’s not like they can just pick and choose which to invite. Or, well, they can, but it won’t be a good look.”

“Exactly,” Professor Ui says, “and the government can’t do anything about them until they have due cause.”

“That’s what we’re for,” Dazai notes, “... but why us? You’re an adjunct professor—work for Ivory Eagle, that newspaper company that everyone’s been talking about. You have a whole team, why do you need a bunch of college students?”

“Does it matter?” Ayato says with a sharp grin. “Imagine if we pull this off? Our careers would be set. We’d have helped with the takedown of a mafia.”

Dazai thinks it does matter, eyes settling on the unreadable expression on Professor Ui’s face. His two classmates might be giddy with anticipation over such a ‘cool’ assignment, but mafia business is dangerous. Dazai might be fond of the idea of death, but he’s got a final wish to fulfill before that—plus, the idea of being tortured to death isn’t exactly appealing to him. He’s not sure that it’s just a coincidence that Professor Ui chose three students who have no family to help with this assignment. Otsuka Ayato, a second-year student who was orphaned during the Dragon’s Head Conflict six years ago; Koda Hinami, a third-year student who's been in and out of the foster system since she was a baby; and Dazai, whose mother killed herself when he was seven and whose aunt abandoned him, whose only guardian died four years ago.

No one would come looking for any of them if things went poorly. 

“You won’t be in danger,” Professor Ui assures them. “Just think of it as a way to test your skill in information gathering while in a conversational setting—go in there, observe, make small talk, and see what you can find out. They’ll have their guard up around my fellow journalists and I, you three are new faces. All you’re going to do is go in there and talk. No danger.”

Dazai isn’t convinced.

“Ui-sensei, you said this is meant to be a stepping stone?” Hinami asks curiously, changing the subject before Dazai can press any further. “A stepping stone for who?”

Professor Ui smiles thinly. “The Port Mafia.”