#bc that is not how it should’ve ended
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I have made the executive decision that because Agatha’s dead, she is with Rio and Nicky in Death’s realm.
#no Agatha did not become a ghost#stfu#she walked with Rio through the door and saw her son again#and they lived in a cottage in the woods#and were happy#bc that is not how it should’ve ended#and I dispute it#so I’m right and you’re wrong#they are in love and living happily ever after with their son#fuck you marvel#agatha all along#agatha harkness#rio vidal#agathario#katherine hahn#aubrey plaza#agatha harkness x rio vidal
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COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEEE LENOOOOOOORRRRREEEEEE😭😭😭😭😭
#i’m like#devastated#this was one of the only nevermore songs to ever nevermore song#Like Annabel and Lenore singing it on the bell tower with Prospero on drums using his little sickness scepters? Just perfect#I hope y’all don’t mind if I just#Nevermore#Nevermore Webtoon#Webtoon#bc I like need this song back#I put it on the ep 63 post I made#And I know like Apple Music still has it up I think#If y’all haven’t heard this song and you have Apple Music go give it a listen it’s literally SO Nevermore-coded#Direct “The Raven” inspiration#And funny enough my caption as spur of the moment it was is actually some lyrics#Meeghan why would you take it down we all love itttttttt plssss put it baaaaccckkkkkkk#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 not how my day should’ve ended#Spotify#Meeghan Darling
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Welp, here is TBOSAS’ lead editor admitting that they cut down a lot of the romance (including a pre games kiss) while editing the movie🥴
Apparently they thought the love story worked too well in the first 2/3 and made Coryo’s turn in the third part of the movie seem too sudden. After all, it’s not like the romance between Coryo and Lucy Gray being believable and 100% true was at the heart of the story, right?? It definitely didn’t make Coryo’s eventual betrayal heartbreaking and tragic.
The theatrical version of this movie absolutely doesn’t look like Frankenstein’s monster as a result of too many cuts and edits. I’m sure the book wouldn’t have benefited from being adapted in two movies instead of being condensed into a single overlong one.
#@HUTCHERNAISANCE on twitter posted this video btw so all credit to them for pointing it out#istg this makes me want to d word#they really thought snowbaird could be cut bc it ended in tragedy anyway shdhdhf like friends that’s the whole point#so apparently the 4 hour version is a different (and better) movie#why they didn’t go ahead and just decide to make two movies is beyond me#ik they were afraid this would bomb like mj part 2 did but this is so unfair#esp given how much success this movie has had#tbosas part 2 should’ve been solely about ‘the peacekeeper’#tbosas could’ve been a two part masterpiece🙁#WE COULD’VE HAD IT AAALLL#snowbaird#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#tbosas#thg#the hunger games#Youtube
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my five surviving braincells when something remotely good happens:
#in other news… wORK IS OVER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#man. i’m s o tired. i can’t believe i survived almost 2 whole years at this job…#huh. come to think of it… i started tling idol sengen before i even got this job lol. and i’m only 3/5 of the way through it…#can’t believe the idol sengen grind->hiatus->grind(?) outlives my time at [withheld] company…#i did end up spending a cool 20 mins cleaning out my work locker though. i found so many treasures i didn’t even know i had in there#like. there was an unopened 3-pack of wet tissues a n d an unopened box of pens that i don’t recall buying#and ofc the 3 random sponges i ‘liberated’ from the lab. don’t tell my boss lmao#w a i t now that i think about it i should’ve taken at least 1 vial of (allegedly) carcinogenic sand for the memories. dammit.#oh well. what’s done is done i suppose. i did receive way more chocolate than i could ever eat though…#y. yeah. i guess i’ll miss my coworkers (a little). they were fun to annoy every day. except for the new guy bc i don’t like him at all lol#i have never met someone who lacked as much common sense as he. i think he’s gonna get canned before he’s able to resign on his own terms#dude could be spoonfed through every single step of the testing process and *still* mess up somewhere smh#but no. this isn’t about him. even though he is the final straw that led to my decision to resign#hm. looking back on it now. i think i was pretty good at my job for the most part when it came to the things i could do#or maybe i was too good at it. like. to the point where even more experienced analysts were coming to me in search of help#prolly gonna miss being one of the very best (out of like a grand total of 10 people at the lab) at doing ftir-related tests#ehehehehehehe i wonder if that workstation will continue to stay as organised as it is now that i’m gone#a n d i wonder what my coworkers will do now that they can’t ask me for ms excel help for the smallest of things lol#sometimes i just wanna tell them to g o g o o g l e i t ! ! ! when they call me over for it. but alas.#can’t believe these guys know how to use c h a t g p t and not ms excel (despite having it on their resume) smh#omg wow this got long and incoherent sorry guys i think i need some sleep lol. idol sengen next week..#…maybe…? no promises though!!!!!
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i’m bleeding a concerning amount
#maybe…i can see if i can get into the obgyn before the end of the month#(after we move)#(but before my insurance ends)#bc it looks like my insides are giving up. the amount of blood is Insane#actually this might be why i feel sick rn. WHOA. things are starting to make sense#maybe i should’ve taken care of this months ago when it started /s#how many months have i been bleeding off and on but mostly on? well… too many#tw periods#tw tmi
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Thoughts about Katsura
Katsura is an amazing character that could’ve been even more amazing. He was always a chaotic presence in the daily life of the series, not for nothing his blood type is AB (according to him). But he has other facets. One aspect to highlight is the dichotomy of his character. He’s serious in nature but is so eccentric that he ends up being one of the funniest characters in Gintama. He’s very smart and a complete idiot at the same time. He can be extreme and measured. He’s a revolutionary.
I remember thinking that it was selfish of him to want to force Gintoki back into the Jouishishi. And he in a way he is. But then I realized that he’s probably just lonely. He lost his parental figures several times. His biological parents, his adoptive parents, his grandmother, his sensei…
That’s another matter. The relationship between Zura and Shouyou is usually not considered, other than Zura (apparently) imitating his appearance. I think this is one of the two most important aspects of his character that should’ve been explored more. At the end of the series, they’d a brief encounter, although it wasn't even in person, in which Shouyou called him his prodigy student. While it's an important acknowledgment, it's striking that this type of bond hasn't been shown before and that Shouyou never calls him by his name.
The series puts much more emphasis on Gintoki and Takasugi's feelings towards his sensei. In fact, the main reason they were fighting the war was to save Shouyou. However, while it's acknowledged that Zura was there for that reason as well, it wasn't the only one. He was more idealistic, and his goal was beyond rescue. He seeks political change in his country. Although the historical component of the series was never very developed, it presented enough elements to create a comprehensible story for the characters.
It’s here that I must mention another important aspect of his character that should’ve been explored further: his political career. In the time skip Zura is shown as prime minister. However, this gets involved with Utsuro's plot, missing the character’s initial goal. Certainly, one could argue that he wasn’t seeking a political career and that it’s okay to step aside once the changes have been set in motion. But there’re a couple of things to consider.
Although Zura starts out as an extremist, part of his development is that he realizes that taking a violent path can hurt people he cares about, like Ikumatsu. This opens the way for moderation, and pursuing change through institutionalized political avenues makes sense for his character. The other point has to do with the fact that it’s absurd to step aside when social changes have not yet taken hold because because they’ll most likely be reversed.
This is why I feel that Katsura's character is great, but it could’ve been better if his bond with Shouyou had been explored more and if at the end of the series he had been allowed to grow. To become a masked vigilante on the run is to end pretty much the same way he started, without much sense.
#Gintama#Katsura Kotarou#Happy Birthday!#I can write#Thoughts about#my post#I also want to refer briefly to how much he loves his friends#especially Gintoki#And it’s mutual even if Gin doesn't show it lol#As well as how much he esteems Shinpachi and Kagura#He was quite quick to integrate into the Yorozuya family dynamics#bc deep down it’s something he yearns for (besides the dawn of Japan)#Another reason why he should’ve ended up with Ikumatsu orz#Oh and more ponytail!Zura ofc
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hc that throughout the years, jude takes leaves of absences form being high queen to go spend a couple months w vivi heather n oak !!! madoc too ig while he’s still exiled lol. ( vehemently ignoring the stolen heir’s canon sorry not sorry.) family bonding time, far away from the hubbub n chaos of the folk, n also the realization that jude doesn’t mind the mortal world all that much. yes it’s not faerieland, but it’s smth alright n she finds it soothing at times. she’s less unhinged n paranoid compared to when she was younger n the ptsd from her past has decreased in its intensity thanks to heather-mandated therapy ( heather only had to hear a couple times abt the duarte sisters’ fucked up childhood for her to plead jude to go to therapy—vivi alrdy has— n jude relented after 5 yrs of honest-to-god begging. big slay heather our mental health queen 🫂) and so that’s why she can even leave faerieland in someone else’s hands. these visits aren’t too frequent but they r long in their duration. 3-4 months tops. sometimes cardan comes along bcs the bed feels empty w/o jude n— Okay he’s js lonely w/o his wife. sue him. some poor hapless councilor advisor is forced to be in charge in their place (they send letters weekly. ‘please your majesties, when will you be returning home ?’ #urgent LOL) one day jude (age:37) notices grey hairs appearing on her head n she sort of freaks out. not in an entirely vain way either. more like:. oh fuck aren’t i supposed to not age as long as im in faeirieland ?? 3 long discussions later w cardan n the royal folk-human specialist, the conclusion that is reached is that bcs of jude’s visits to the mortal word, as infrequent as they r, theyve seemed to affect the way her body ages. or more aptly put, doesn’t age lol. jude gets some grey hair n lines on her face while still technically NOT aging. n she feels less panicky abt it bcs hey she’s not aging. sort of. meanwhile, cardan finds himself deeply enamored w jude’s grey hair n the subtle creases on her face that multiply slowly. he tells jude js so n she’s like i am not susceptible to flattery cardan greenbriar. hes Serious abt it tho n tells her that he isn’t saying that bcs it’ll make her feel better or wtv but bcs her aging evidently is actually beautiful to him. cue jude sour pursed lips for a bit as she gets these days when it comes to cardan being unbearably earnest towards her but she feels less weird abt the hair n lines so :)
anyways this was a long-winded niche asf hc that appeals to exactly only 2 ppl on this site n im not even confident in THAT estimate lol
#notice there’s no mention of taryn here ? hc that they never rlly resolve their relantionship issues properly n taryn n jude plan their#trips months apart bcs SISTER ISSUES !!!! also taryn is lowkey bitter abt the fact jude forgave cardan for everything he did to her but not#her#hc that they eventually get their shit together n it’s a long sob-filled heartbreaking reunion bcs at the end of theh day the duarte twins#love each other to pieces no matter what n that’s probably the worst part of their fractured relationship LOL#me: i want to see jude happy n content n the long process to being better n— basically everything left in unacknowledged in canon#[dua lipa crying.gif]#she’s so precious to me#it won’t ever happen realistically bcs of magic n shit but my jude ages elegantly vision is so strong ive been POSSESED#jude duarte#madoc family#jurdan#tfota#also idk if i’ll ever read tsh/tpt it js isn’t appealing to me from what little i’ve heard abt it lol#suren seems miskiin but also we should’ve all saved ourselves the trouble n let oak grow up permanently in the mortal world …. ��♀️#vivi duarte#heather#i will always be annoying abt heather i need more of her need her own little story abt meeting vivi LIKEE#tell me how she brushed away vivi’s inherent folk weirdness TELL ME ABT IT..#healed jurdan n the duarte twins will HEAL ME#lol#btw when i say jude forgave cardan i mean that boy had to pull out all the stops LMAO they even had a not-break-up for a while
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Bucky!!! Went to the Captain America Smithsonian exhibit to learn about Steve’s past and was instead confronted with the ghost of himself!!!! If you even care!!!!!!!!
#I forgot this was the end credit I fully closed it after the AOU teaser and then was like hm what’s the actual stinger and it fucking stung#fully maintain he went bc he knew he knew something about Steve and that he wasn’t expecting to find out anything about himself#bc like! Steve’s story has a continuation and Bucky’s doesn’t like it does Now but even when Steve was defrosted#no one expected to hear anything about Bucky ever again#it’s a good starting point I can see how it’d launch him all over the place#Cap 3 should’ve been SamSteveNat looking for him & Bucky looking for himself#ca:tws#ugh I feel like I’m in college again I wanna find my cap blanket
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i almost didn’t go see maggie rogers at the united center last night bc i already saw her in a small venue this year, and i’m not that into her newest album, but damn, that was one of the best live performances i’ve ever seen.
was not mentally prepared to see my own face 30 feet tall on the big screen for the kiss cam tho sksjdekekd. i didn’t kiss anyone lol
#she really pulled off the arena performance she has so much stage presence and her voice is INSANE#and she brought out mavis staples!!#i got there a half hour before they stopped handing out GA wristbands and was expecting to be FAR in line#and was actually 33 lmaooo so i was in front row#which is how i ended up on the camera 🥴#i should’ve gone for front row of the catwalk instead bc i ended up seeing a lot of her back lol#amazing show tho
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i watched only friends ep 3 for the third time and i am stuck on nick saying the line “no one dares hurt me”. bc in context it’s nothing, and he says it with this slight smile that’s still a little disappointed but just trying to play it off and you could just see it for what it is, just him trying to act fine that boston is abandoning him or whatever. but where’s the fun in seeing things at face value. bc this is post him seeing the pictures and seeing and finding out who top is and putting the wiretrap in boston’s car and seeing boston talking to top (i don’t think it’s clear whether he actually hears what they’re saying about ray and mew and meeting up later and sticks around to see what happens, or is just generally sus of boston and hangs around bc he’s just sus and so happens to see them). this is post this constituted story he has that was sparked by that tweet about liking someone else and that’s why you can’t become something more. he thinks top is that person (and he’s kinda right), that boston likes top more than him, despite boston constantly calling him his favourite. you can see the pieces falling into place, that while boston’s behaviour serves to keep himself in control and have nick on this leash of always being there and keeping him interested with the promise of more that will go nowhere, for nick, it doesn’t just hurt him in these sad ways that keep him dependent on boston to feel good about himself and thinking he has this special relationship when he doesn’t. it also hurts him in ways that boston wouldn’t have intended, ways that turn nick into someone dangerous, someone that can be boston’s downfall. bc now he looks at top not just with sadness and envy, but with anger and disgust, bc who is this person?? what right do they have to be the person boston likes more than me?? when im the one he goes to all the time, when i have this connection, when our relationship is progressing?? bc the feeling of comparing himself to top, and his inadequate that makes him feel, bc of course he isn’t enough, of course he’s not better than top, of course boston would like him more, that can so easily turn and become something dangerous, bc you lash out at other people instead of lashing out at yourself. it’s that thing of i do everything, so why have i not earned your love?? that’s what he says in the trailer to boston; “i just want you to love only me”. it all comes together to make me think nick is gonna be the one that really starts shit. that idk, either through just telling people or maybe that wiretrap can record what happened, he’s gonna be the reason the whole mess starts to come out. and idk if he’s gonna just let it out and let boston get shit for it as a way to get back at him for hurting him, bc bc of his feelings, bc of that line in the trailer, bc i think he still depends on boston’s affection and validation, i think it’s more gonna be a matter of him doing it to push top and boston apart, so that when it all falls apart, the end of it all he can say to boston i did it all bc i love you, bc top doesn’t deserve you, bc i want to be the only person you love.
and you can see how it would happen, when it all comes out and ray and mew clarify that there’s nothing between them and everyone gets mad at boston for fabricating these stories to manipulate people, who do you think is gonna be the most mad?? top. bc he’s the one being messed with, his relationship with mew, and it’s all just ultimately bc boston wants to have sex with him. the man is ruining his relationship just for a fuck, and at this point we don’t know if there are any actual feelings, or if it’s just so that boston can feel superior and in control still. the whole point is that bad behaviour yields bad behaviour. boston is a dick, but he also doesn’t know that he’s feeding in to his own downfall. and nick is being manipulated and taken advantage of, and that’s horrid and sad, but he’s also not this helpless victim. no, i very much believe he intends to bite back just as hard as he’s been bitten. and it still hurts bc it’s such a realistically human bad relationship, the person that lacks self worth and so over invests in a relationship to give them that worth back, and the person that doesn’t want commitment but also doesn’t want to lose control, and so they dangle promises they’ll never keep like bait to keep someone trapped. and it hurts bc the ways nick will turn and start acting out aren’t just his fault, bc boston played into it and made him believe, only for it to be broken. and this is not victim blaming, but you also can’t baby nick and make out he’s harmless, helpless, defenceless. you can’t not see the grey in him. bc he’s expecting boston to be something he’s not, and so you can’t say it’s fine when he gets mad that boston isn’t that thing he wants him to be. you can’t excuse him being overly invasive of a private space like he has ownership over every part of boston and his life. yes i get it, boston plays into it, but at some point we’ve got to stop using that as an excuse, bc the behaviour is still bad, and i feel like it’s only gonna get worse. im calling it, nick is gonna turn into a mess that boston created and become something he can’t control, and it’s gonna all come back around and destroy him. bc it’s not just a matter of messing with the wrong person, it’s the fact that boston doesn’t think anyone can mess with him back, and he doesn’t realise just how catastrophic the consequences of his actions are gonna be.
#idk if I’m making sense#it’s late and my brain is whirring and this is so ranting#but I am so stuck on nick as a character bc I am just fascinated by treading this narrative line of when do you stop feeling sorry for him#and start seeing him as the villain instead#at what point can you no longer use sympathy as an excuse for whatever he’s gonna do#and I love it narratively for boston’s downfall being this random side piece he strung along not knowing he was biting off more than he#could handle with how all that emotional dependence was gonna trap him and ruin him#like the easy target that you think is predisposed to falling for your tricks and being easy to keep on a leash is actually the one you#should’ve avoided the most bc they will fall too hard and depend on you too deeply and that’s gonna grow and twist until it becomes dangerou#until it becomes self proclaimed entitlement to everything you are#and I love it bc it isn’t just this pointed revenge on nicks end it’s not like he sees everything for what it is and gets back at Boston for#it no it’s like inadvertent accidental revenge bc nick hasn’t come to see how bad Boston is but by acting out of this obsession of him he’s#the one that destroys him it’s just so deliciously ironic#only friends
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Oh yeah while I’m being suicidal and making announcements and since it’s relevant kinda bc I’m updating refs: I’m only doing revenges and maybe attacking mutuals on Art Fight this year, I had a terrible time last year and I’m not putting myself through that disappointment again
#ig if I’m still alive by then I mean it’s pretty questionable rn#given how bad everything is#it’s not even that I didn’t really get attacked it’s like everything I drew just looked awful#and I felt really terrible for even attacking basically anyone#bc I could tell no one really liked what I gave them#I can’t put myself through that again I don’t want to feel that bad again#last AF caused the worst burnout I have ever experienced I think and I am only KINDA recovering NOW#Literally the only reason I’m even participating is bc bestie is and I like giving them things#otherwise… I have big projects to work on…#which are making bad progress bc OTV PMV has been conceptualized since March and I haven’t drawn a single frame#things are so bad#things are so so bad#I’m so sorry for everything#I should’ve ended everything in 2020 like I was supposed to
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king piccolo arc is weird because it’s obviously the blueprint for many of the arcs to follow as well as one of my favorites, but narratively this is also the arc where some of db’s writing decisions start getting a little questionable. It starts off pretty strong: Goku’s impulsivity gets the better of him and he pays for it with Tambourine. This is soon followed by a truly memorable (and lowkey satisfying?) beat down by king piccolo (that rock to the back and elbow to the stomach look genuinely painful). Goku’s reduced to quite literally biting piccolo to try and stay in the fight. All of his arrogance that’s been building up since red ribbon is immediately knocked out of him and he’s left unable to move, forced to rely on someone else for the first time in a long time (the beginnings of an idea his character struggles with throughout Z).
Meanwhile king piccolo’s minions force a team split in Kame house, giving us three teams to follow as the dragon balls are collected. King Piccolo has a (what should be) iconic moment of literally kill Shenron. So now he’s young, he’s back, and he’s more overwhelming than any other opponent in the series to date. I don’t think Tao’s attempted murder of Goku hits quite the same highs as King Piccolo’s first assault; imo it hits differently because it’s not just that goku failed to beat him, it’s that all the characters we know and care about are genuinely at risk and even dropping like flies.
I guess in terms of story structure that would now put us at like, the second act low point? And ofc the question is ‘how is goku gonna come back from this?’ Which is how we get to what is imo a somewhat poor plot device: the ultra divine water. I definitely feel like this was something that could have been handled much better, though I don’t necessarily blame the author due to the pressure of having to write a serialized story. Still, at least a little foreshadowing with Korin in red ribbon might have helped the ultra divine water feel like less of a shortcut and more like unlocking a secret goal. The entire philosophy of DB is ‘work hard to improve yourself’. imo the way it should’ve been handled was goku realizing he already has the skills he needs, he just needs to continue honing them, maybe unlock a new technique or two through training, until he stands a chance. Goku’s whole fighting style is letting himself take a beating for awhile to figure out his opponents move set and then coming up with a creative counter-strategy. He’d already fought piccolo once, so it would’ve been a good way to keep the story thematically consistent.
Another way it could have felt less jarring is for him to at least have to overcome himself. Korin remarks in the actual story that Goku is too emotional (after losing Krillen and Roshi), which hurts him as a fighter. Needing to quell his rage when facing piccolo again could have been The Thing for him to overcome. Visiting Korin should have reminded him of his training there and instead of Korin saying he has nothing left to teach Goku he could have said, ‘hey, you know the skills, but you’re not using them properly. your anger and your arrogance is getting in your own way’. Essentially, learning meditation and tranquility, etc. (I know that idea is addressed in his later training with Kami, but it might have been valuable to have Goku meet Kami here instead and start the groundwork of those skills, perhaps set it up as him getting back in tune with himself after his losses until he’s ready to help Tien. Just spitballing here).
If the ultra divine water had maybe been some way of measuring goku’s overall progress since he initially started his journey rather than a mini adventure arc, it might have felt less jarring in a story all about self-improvement. I like the ultra divine water in terms of what it does for the oozaru, with the oozaru as being representative of goku’s inner strength, but personally that’s not enough to completely justify it to me. Imo the same symbolism could have been achieved a better way. As it is I don’t hate the UDW but I do think its general existence and relatively simple method of attainment weakens what is overall a very strong arc.
#shoutout to king piccolo absolutely seething whenever pilaf breathes but he keeps them around bc he doesn’t understand this newfangled tech#😭#oh uh also king piccolo (and later majunior) theme is such a banger#especially the revitalized version for majunior it’s just so jaunty and fun#wish it had some. actual piccolos in it though#also for how much KP naps (and that being pointed out) they should’ve done something with it. a sneak attack or sabotage or smth. just sayi#again to be clear I don’t think the segment is too bad itself. searching for the divine water was a good way for Goku to get#some positive reinforcement about who he is and his values after being so utterly defeated#but imo it might have been more effective to have the less positive sides of himself challenged#rather than reinforcing what already existed#plus The Darkness is a cool concept wonder whatever happened to them#the oozaru payoff is nice at the end of the arc but that’s about it#king piccolo arc#dragon ball
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been thinking about how asuna’s [spoiler] scene in the last chapter of idol sengen is oddly underwhelming in the volume version compared to the piccoma release?
i mean l i ke (spoiler reveal under the cut)—
idk if it’s just me but seeing it in colour made the scene hit harder somehow? in some way?
s o . im just. thinking ahead here but…
what if i tried to overlay the colour panel onto the page when i eventually tl it in a few months?
i’m not good at picture editing at all.
b u t still.
i kinda wanna try to go the extra mile for asuna anyway… hmmmmmmmmm…
#oh welllll. in the end that’s for future me to decide ig…#i’m not even sure if anyone would be interested in it anyway…#maybe i could pay someone to do it for me instead (<-has 0 connections)#hm. maybe i should’ve tried to socialise more in school. maybe i’d have met a p.shop guy or two lmao#oh well. ig it’s video tutorial time… maybe… i hope i don’t fall asleep~~~~ bc it’s for asuna….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#in any case!!!! my mind and productivity has been completely ruined by thoughts on my newfound doomed crackship of asuna x sena#like it’s a ship that could go wrong in so many ways (whether asuna gets with sena or not) and im just. ✨thoughts✨ yk???#i love the concept of rivals/enemies to lovers asumona but. like. asusena. yk.#like picture this: pov you just realised that your loving gf’s sister is the same newbie idol you’ve been unfairly antagonising and such#a n d knowing how strong sena’s sisterly love for mona is… yk??? doomed crackship is ✨doomed✨#aighhtttt ok im done with asuna thoughts for the day i s w e a r#(though ngl if they somehow end up giving asuna a cv and she somehow turns out to be ✨e m i t s u n✨ of honoka-chan fame (very unlikely)…)#(…i will pass on in ✨peace✨ idk i just think her powerful yet soothing voice would suit asuna (<-fell back into ll phase))#o k o k im done fr this time i s w e a r anyways stan asuna frusu ok bye
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being the oldest daughter raised by a narcissistic emotionally abusive father is just…👩🍳👌💋
#i don’t know why i always end up crying when i know exactly what to expect from him#the constant belittling then turning around and crying victim on how i ‘hurt’ him bc he can’t accept the fact that he did something wrong#i know i shouldn’t expect anything from him but it’s like this stupid fucking useless part of me during these moments is just#so heartbroken and frustrated because it’s not fair the child in me just wants to have a dad that cares and sees her as a human#nobody fuckjng cares if they hurt me and i don’t care if they hurt me either that’s why i hurt me too#he’s supposed to be my dad he’s my only parent left and he never should’ve been a parent to begin#i can’t believe how easily he turns things on me saying it’s my fault i never come talk to him and it’s like how the fuck#you were barely basically nonexistent the first 5 years of my life then barely there from then on out#how could i ever come to you how could i trust you just because i’m your daughter by blood doesn’t mean you’re not a stranger to me#you’re supposed to be the adult you’re my father you’re supposed to come to me and guide me why are you such a helpless fucking child#i do everything on my own i have nothing to say to you just like you have nothing to say to me#small talk only does so much i don’t want to talk to him i don’t care about our relationship#i’m just literally flabbergasted at the audacity he has to gaslight and manipulate me and ply victim when i’m the one he keeps hurting#it just reinforces the idea that my feelings are invalid my feelings have been invalid to him for the past 23years#i wish i was emotionless and unfeeling i wish he didn’t have the power to affect my emotions so strongly#i’m such a little kid i wish my mom was here i wish someone wanted to protect me and talk to me and at least try to understand me#i can’t wait to be dead i just want this to be over i’m just wasting time taking up someone else’s space#i think the only time i’ll be genuinely happy is when i’m dead#i don’t remember the last time i was actually happy unless i’m distracting myself#i’m constantly maladaptive daydreaming and when i’m not i’m at work trying to be a functioning an adult#but as soon as i’m home i’m back in my dream world where i don’t have to think about me at all#when gerard said When i grow up i want to be nothing at All that man read my my mind#ramblings#vent
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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I JUST GOT A 52 ON AN ASSIGNMENT IN CALCULUS THAT WE HAD DAYS TO DO IM SO UPSET
#there’s tears streaming down my face it’s midnight and i’m crying#my calculus grade already sucks it’s a d i’ve never ever had anything below a b in a class before#it’s going to drop to an f now#this assignment thing was online and we had days to do it but i kept putting it off and i figured that i’d have enough time to finish it#before midnight but i didn’t and it auto submitted and didn’t even save the answers i was working on so they don’t even count now#this is my fault#i don’t want to go to school tomorrow my teacher has never looked at me with disappointment but i always imagine she does#she’s probably wondering how someone like me ended up in her class#i should’ve taken ab instead of bc#tears are drying now#i don’t want to see her i don’t want to be there#i have to get a good grade on the quiz this week or it’s over for me#i’ll do anything#i’m so miserable rn idk how i’m even going to sleep#snow.txt
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