#i will always be annoying abt heather i need more of her need her own little story abt meeting vivi LIKEE

[introvertgoat]

hc that throughout the years, jude takes leaves of absences form being high queen to go spend a couple months w vivi heather n oak !!! madoc too ig while he’s still exiled lol. ( vehemently ignoring the stolen heir’s canon sorry not sorry.) family bonding time, far away from the hubbub n chaos of the folk, n also the realization that jude doesn’t mind the mortal world all that much. yes it’s not faerieland, but it’s smth alright n she finds it soothing at times. she’s less unhinged n paranoid compared to when she was younger n the ptsd from her past has decreased in its intensity thanks to heather-mandated therapy ( heather only had to hear a couple times abt the duarte sisters’ fucked up childhood for her to plead jude to go to therapy—vivi alrdy has— n jude relented after 5 yrs of honest-to-god begging. big slay heather our mental health queen 🫂) and so that’s why she can even leave faerieland in someone else’s hands. these visits aren’t too frequent but they r long in their duration. 3-4 months tops. sometimes cardan comes along bcs the bed feels empty w/o jude n— Okay he’s js lonely w/o his wife. sue him. some poor hapless councilor advisor is forced to be in charge in their place (they send letters weekly. ‘please your majesties, when will you be returning home ?’ #urgent LOL) one day jude (age:37) notices grey hairs appearing on her head n she sort of freaks out. not in an entirely vain way either. more like:. oh fuck aren’t i supposed to not age as long as im in faeirieland ?? 3 long discussions later w cardan n the royal folk-human specialist, the conclusion that is reached is that bcs of jude’s visits to the mortal word, as infrequent as they r, theyve seemed to affect the way her body ages. or more aptly put, doesn’t age lol. jude gets some grey hair n lines on her face while still technically NOT aging. n she feels less panicky abt it bcs hey she’s not aging. sort of. meanwhile, cardan finds himself deeply enamored w jude’s grey hair n the subtle creases on her face that multiply slowly. he tells jude js so n she’s like i am not susceptible to flattery cardan greenbriar. hes Serious abt it tho n tells her that he isn’t saying that bcs it’ll make her feel better or wtv but bcs her aging evidently is actually beautiful to him. cue jude sour pursed lips for a bit as she gets these days when it comes to cardan being unbearably earnest towards her but she feels less weird abt the hair n lines so :)

anyways this was a long-winded niche asf hc that appeals to exactly only 2 ppl on this site n im not even confident in THAT estimate lol

[noahtally-famous]

hopefully you don’t mind me rambling, I’m sorry in advance

oooh no but imagine: wt alenoah rewrite (apologies, I’m in an alenoah brainrot rn). featuring a noah who’s tired of being misconceptualized (I’m aware that’s not a word, you get what I mean 😭) by the majority of the fans, annoyed of ppl jumping to conclusions abt why he was the way he was in s1 (I’m thinking smth relating to his home life, which ties into why he joined td in the first place but he didn’t put his all into it), and downright ready to show everyone just how wrong they are--while also getting that million while he’s at it, bc he knows his family needs it. so it’s two birds with one stone. 

and well, normally, he wouldn’t be like this. normally he wasn’t ever like this. the fans may have gotten a lot of things wrong abt him, but some of the things they’d gotten right was that he’s lazy. he’s unmotivated (again, it might tie into that issue that made him so apathetic in s1), and he always opts to take the easy way out. sports are not his forte simply for this reason--ngl he doesn’t need a reason for why he’s lazy, it’s just how he is. (btw lazy and unmotivated are different concepts here; noah’s naturally lazy, but his unmotivation stems from smth else). 

so yeah, normally he wouldn’t ever be so hellbent on proving the world wrong--proving that the underdog is capable of reaching the top (he tends to leave that cool stuff to ppl who care). but then he became chris’s assistant in tda, and after working so hard for that man, he still never got the recognition he felt he deserved nor the proper amount of money. instead, he was tossed to the curb, overlooked yet again like he’s been all his life. so when the opportunity to join another td season comes around, he grabs it. he says he’s doing it for his family, for the million bucks, but there’s another reason too--one he hasn’t come to full terms with yet (but will, soon enough): he wants to be seen. he wants his family to see him, his friends to see him, hell he wants his enemies to see him, and think so this is Noah. he wants that recognition, and since he can’t get it with brawn, he’s willing to use all the brains and wit he has in stock. 

he wants to be that phoenix rising from the ashes, making a strong comeback. one-upping anyone and everyone, giving them what they deserve for disregarding him. so he finally decides to put that IQ of 180 to good use while giving chris (and everyone else) snarks from hell, and it’s wack all around lmao

at first, in world tour, noah’s like his usual self, except for the occasional moments when that hidden side of him insists on recognition (but remember, he hasn’t accepted that part of him yet, he doesn’t even fully know it exists, only at a subconscious level). owen and izzy notice this strange on-off drive and encourage it (owen unintentionally (his elimination serves to increase noah’s fuel btw), izzy definitely intentionally (she insists on taking over the plane and then ruling the world; noah says they should not)). heather gets voted off when they’re in Peru (ep8 turns out to be an actual elimination challenge)--her own undoing, and he didn’t even have to do a thing, ironically. heather’s problem was alejandro, so all noah had to do was sit and watch for one of them to eventually fall (maybe he added to that growing fire somehow just to get her act more irrationally and she never suspected him bc he fades in the background so easily 🤷‍♀️). so that’s one competitor taken out, leaving him with someone else far stronger than heather: alejandro. what’s worse? they’re on the same team so he’d have to play his cards right--keep them to himself, in fact. one thing’s for sure, he can’t let alejandro know he’s onto him, that he suspects. at this point, noah’s reasoning is his family and the million, and the growing interest in potentially one-upping the biggest manipulator in the season. maybe he tries to get ppl into an alliance as subtly as possible, to get them to vote for alejandro?? 

then comes london. aka when noah slips up. overconfidence is a deadly demise, but breaking character is one just as bad. noah was the latter; he has no reason to be overconfident--it’s not like he’s done anything to inflict it--but with no alejandro by his side, a lot of pent-up emotions, and a concerned and confused owen staring at him, the words slip out. and alejandro hears them from the plane. which means leverage. the rage in the other boy’s eyes made sense, but the genuine hurt in them as well didn’t. alejandro was a master manipulator, he’d called noah his ‘partner in wits’ a couple days ago, so why was he feeling hurt? shouldn’t he have expected this from noah, if they shared the same kind of motivation--the same kind of wavelength? 

noah’s slip-up would have cost him everything. elimination, thrown out of the plane, the whole shabang. if that night had been a proper elimination and not a fake one. now the tables have turned, and this is when noah’s mind starts to turn, that hidden side of him slowly starts to reveal itself, rearing its head. because he made it. somehow, when all was lost, the universe gave him another chance. and he’d be damned if he isn’t going to take advantage of it. he’d fucked up in london, made a stupid mistake--one that he wasn’t going to repeat again. suddenly, the noah everyone knew--while most of what makes him him was still there--seemed to have gotten an upgrade. spite is a good motivator, and right now, noah’s feeling pretty damn spiteful. thanks to chris announcing who voted for who in london, he knows who to look out, who are his opposers, who would flake out and switch sides at the best opportunity--he makes sure to keep them at arms length while still maintaining teamwork but ready to show them just how wrong they were abt underestimating him. 

and most of all, he knows the lengths alejandro would go to get him out, and noah wasn’t backing down without a fight. hell no. 

there’s def some tension between him and alejandro after london, a push/pull deal--it’s more of an enemies/rivals to reluctant allies to lovers deal, maybe?? bc they’re both on opposites sides, both trying to one-up each other, both pretty much competitive af, both trying to prove something to the world watching them. though their ‘rival tension’ translates into just ~tension~ to the onlookers, and, ironically, noah finds himself recognized even more bc of this. plus fans, even previous contestants, are taken aback by this sudden fierceness, this fiery drive within him that they’d never seen before. his cool strategic mindset, and this ‘all or nothing’ mentality he’d suddenly adopted.

in between peru and london, it’s kind of weird (and complicated). noah’s starting to put the pieces together abt alejandro while keeping it to himself to avoid confrontations (and targeting). alejandro thinks they’re still friends and they have this weird tap-dancing-around-each-other-emotionally thing going on that neither are none too aware abt, but like everyone else can see lmao. but that takes a header after london. 

oh oh maybe bc of the rising tension between the two and the constant back-and-forth one-upping, they end up kissing somewhere private either like in a confessional somehow or during a challenge and that's when they're both like oh fuck lmao and then they pretend like nothing happened but now there's that tension on top of everything and everyone else is close to pulling their hair out

anyway, noah wants the million, to be seen and recognized, and to prove everyone wrong abt their assumptions of him. and there’s a way he could do all of them in one blow: win this damn show. and get rid of alejandro. 

nothing was going to stop him--not the teeter-totter of his confusing thoughts and morals, or his past rearing its head with memories that simultaneously incensed him and made him want to withdraw in his indifferent shell.  

not alejandro and his stupidly attractive face with his chiseled cheekbones and sharp jawline and his broad shoulders and how he’s perfect at everything and how he makes noah feel fire in his bones and in his stomach--bc they despised each other, after all. they’re rivals, and he wants alejandro out and he knows alejandro feels the same way abt him. that’s all.

not noah’s own emotions that threaten to upend what he’s striven for--or are they trying to rebuild it all?

doesn’t matter. one thing’s for certain, this time, noah isn’t going down without a fight, a battle even. and alejandro is more than willing to give him that. because this was war. and there’s no love in war. right?

meanwhile everyone else (including chris) is speechless of how insane things have gone bc no one expected noah to be the one motivated enough to rise up to challenge everyone’s views of him (plus challenge alejandro, but y’know, that’s a given lmao). it was supposedly so left-field to them lmao

Imagine Noah having like a villain arc. Like when he was working for Chris as a assistant he wasn’t getting treated properly and he saw on the internet that people thought of him as lazy or a smart ass or any insult because of his actions in season 1 and just gets annoyed and just becomes the villain in World tour trying to one up everyone and prove them wrong. that would be interesting

[hiimsociallyawkward]

the wicked day

hey guys. i'm back with my random and annoying merlin thoughts. i should be studying for my bio quiz, but yk- i don't want to :,) love you @lady-ofmagic-andstars✨enjoy✨

literally every time i'm going watching i'm going to comment on john hurt that says young man instead of young boy

it's so subtle but wow. thanks i didn't need to be hurt so early on in the episode

i know i know i'm basically a child but this is so exciting

merlin is so cute

aw no not arthur being pouty abt his big birthday

I LOVE THE 'i heard that' thing so much. i love it i love it

off topic, but i love knife throwing. i've always thought that if i had to choose a weapon that's not a gun, i'd choose knifes. swords? maces? crossbows? sure. but knives?? that's where it's really at

i love arthur not wanting to overburden their citizens

ok uther? i hate him

but here? i love him

he's a good dad here. remembering arthur's birthday? that's so sweet. uther in season 4 is the only time i semi like him

AW ARTHUR AND UTHER AT DINNER

i love them

off topic but i like that arthur is wearing his 'every day' clothes, jacket and a tunic under his cape. that's it. the knights are all wearing his garb but arthur is just wearing his 'regular clothes'

hehe gwen being nervous about arthur being on the wheel is so sweet

idk why but i always get nervous at that last knife.

like of COURSe i know he's not going to get hit but it's scary.

the 'not wearing any trousers' thing omg. bbc really decided to do that

i wish we had more of this parental dynamic of arthur and uther

dam alright arthur. being out of it but still being in it enough to see the guy in the reflection? i stan

SKLFJASLDFJA uther fighting to protect arthur

literally me through his whole scene going 'oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez' on repeat.

so off topic but i kind of like the hairstyle they have for most of the guys in this show?? idk is that weird

oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez uther dying

like, i HATe him. i've been waiting for this since season 1 but this scene makes me sad

ok i don't remember the last episode of merlin so i forget what arthur says when he's dying in merlin's arms??

it's something like 'hold me' right? i feel like that has the same energy as 'stay with me' so while i can't exactly say this is sort of parallel, it's sort of parallel?

i mean, ok 1. dying in someone else's arms. 2. dying in the arms of someone you love? romantically, platonically, familial? doesn't matter. both uther and arthur died in the arms of someone they loved. 3. i'm just gonna say 'hold me' and 'stay with me' have the SAME energy, so if no one has called semi-parallels, i'm calling semi-parallels

bradley's single tear

stfu agarvaine. i'm serious. legit everytime he shows up i wanna pow pow pow him

legit. agaravaine needs to get away from morgana.

DO NOT GRAB HER ARM MISTER. LET GO OF HER

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LET GO OF HER RN

i've said it once and i'll say it again, i love gwen

not to romanticize death or anything but i like candle light vigils.

ok maybe slightly symbolic but probably not? ok actually i think it is, not to toot my own horn but this is also just really straightforward too.

arthur wearing 'street garb' and his 'knight stuff' sort of differentiates between 'arthur' and 'prince arthur'. the scene where merlin and arthur are looking over the vigil and merlin's talking about how there's nothing that can be done, and arthur mentions using magic, i may be off about this but i feel like he's speaking more from prince arthur rather than arthur, uther is my father.

like of course arthur's hurting, everyone knows he's hurting. but idk. i feel like he feels like he's not ready to be king. he needs more time, and he can't be king yet. so therefore, prince arthur is talking about needing to save their king.

gaius and merlin are both right here. idk what else to say.

wow merlin 'you can't stop me' love that

jeez 'maybe this is my chance to change that' little do you know what's happening soon merlin.

oh shoot.

arthur asking merlin if he would use magic to save his father? i'm just thinking back to merlin crying, but not crying over balinor because he couldn't tell arthur, and merlin having to mourn his father in secret. vs. arthur, asking merlin for advice. sharing all his worries and insecurities with gwen. begging gaius to do something more for his father. this just makes me so sad

arthur TRUSTING merlin. with everything. taking merlin's opinion on things and aw

this is dumb but tbh i really like merlin's outfit. like tbh i think i dress in the same sort of style, just ✨modern✨ sadly, no neckerchief for me but i do have a necklace that says 'heather' despite my name being 'ashley'. ily conan gray

ugh. arthur calling merlin a coward but also calling him brave?? you need to pick a side arthur

LMAO ARTHUR STOP THINKING ABOUT WATCHING MERLIN PEE

bruh arthur breaking the vase. it's so dumb but merlin referring to the vase over and over actually makes me chuckle

ok merlin going 'you have come to kill me?' reminds me of another show but i can't remember but i thought i'd put it out here anyways

oh shoot i just realized/remember that uther got stabbed on arthur's birthday. hell of a gift am i right 😭

hehe arthur 'sweeping' with the broom. silly goose

dragoon sounds so vulnerable asking for the right to use magic freely

i love you arthur. this scene, i'm like YES. arthur i love him

i love the saying 'my word'. like, i don't want people to promise me anything anymore. i want them to give me their word.

HAHA THIS IS SO DUMB. MERLIN SAYING 'QUESTIONS. SO MANY QUESTIONS'. I LITERALLY SAY IT WITH THE SHOW EVERY TIME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

aw arthur just sitting there with the cup and trying not to break it HAHA he's so sweet. slightly scared after that vase yk what i mean

ok i don't like morgana and everything but that necklace? that's a stroke of genius. yes girl. make up the plan as you go along

frick you agarvaine. do not scare gwen you PERV

jeez agarvainewas SO rude putting that necklace onto uther. like yes, ik you don't like him but STILL. that's just rude

i'm going to start calling people toads now

hehe arthur closing his door and merlin being right there. it's not necessarily a trope but it totally is and i love it

ah yes. merlin and the tavern. i feel like it's been referred to before but it's still funny.

ok ik arthur carrying merlin is there for kicks for the kids but i laughed anyways

apparently i have the humor of a 10 year old

this is really dumb but the scene with arthur and the two guards. i'm just thinking 'how tall are these guards'. ofc ik that the staging/perception could be doing something that might be making arthur look shorter, but my first reaction was 'bradley is 6' just how tall are these guards??'

merlin's speech about magic makes me sad

aw 'i hope, one day, that you'll see me in a different light'

dragoon has the same effect on arthur as merlin does

uther waking up 😭

AW. UTHER'S LITTLE SIGH AND THEN 'ARTHUR' BREAK MY HEART COVEY. BREAK IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

they're both so happy. this makes me so sad now. oh jeez. oh jeez. oh jeez

oh jeez oh jeez merlin's expression. AW merlin gave arthur his word. oh jeez this is very stressful and i'm only watching this

ok obviously. merlin doesn't want to see arthur in pain. but ALSO this was merlin's chance to change things once and for all. and now uther is dead. #no liam just payne

arthur's face post crying. skf;aldjfa;ldk AW

frick you agarvaine. literally die. i can't wait for merlin to kill you

i think this scene is pretty. the light on the left and the dark on the right? ok actually, i'm going to be making an off base comparison now because that's all i do.

i'm remembering this post i saw on here and it was like, arthur uther and morgana in the throne room. in order of the way they sit in the throne room, first it's arthur, uther, and then morgana

well. the really dumb and off base comparison here is the 'light' goodness of arthur and the 'dark' evil of morgana being mirrored in the picture above.

'light', bravery, doing what's right- being on the left. 'dark', evil, power on the right- and arthur in the middle of it, king

like i said, it's a dumb off base comparison, but at least the picture is pretty

oh jeez this scene

my heart breaks for both of them

merlin not being able to form a sentence at first.

😭😭😭😭 arthur please. you're breaking everyone's heart right now

you already knew i had to include this scene

arthur walking in there all alone

oh jeez he's all alone

dumb parallel number 2. arthur walking into the throne room with uther, father and son. merlin and gaius closing the door for arthur- pseudo father and pseudo son.

'he'll never know who i really am'

i want to do a DEH post soon but jeez. the line that hits hardest for me in DEH is 'i never let them see the worst of me. cause what if everyone saw? what if everyone knew? would they like what they saw? or would they hate it too? and jeez that's all i can think about when i think about merlin and his secrets

again. no liam, just payne

asldkfja;sldkfjas dlf merlin waiting for arthur

i have so many feelings

i love the show of affections for his father. you already know that uther wasn't affectionate when arthur was growing up, but still. forehead kiss? i love it

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT YOU WERE ALONE. i hate this and love this so much. i'm not saying merlin is completely selfless, because merlin wants magic to be leagalized and arthur is the way to do that. but omg merlin not wanting for arthur to feel like he's alone breaks me

first, merlin being physically alone while waiting for arthur. arthur was technically alone too, but he was with his father

but also, merlin being alone in the sense of his magic. no one knows except for gaius. lancelot knew and then they killed him. merlin is so alone when it comes to his magic, and morgana's enchantment only pushes merlin into his 'magic shell' more. arthur thinks magic is pure evil, and merlin is made of magic. what does that mean would think of arthur. this hurts me so much i'm so sad

friend 😭

arthur asking if he's hungry and them getting breakfast together

ok this sound track

pendragon red. i actually stan

gwen wearing a purple dress?? color symbolism?? nah i'm over thinking

ASIFA;SDLFJAD HE'S KING OF CAMELOT

IT'S LIKE I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE I'M SO PROUD RIGHT NOW.

oh jeez oh jeez.

and merlin saying 'long live the king' at the end of the episode?

chills

Anyways! I’ll be back next week to rant more about aithusa so I’ll see you then! thanks I love you bye

[standardlovers]

ok here’s another ask skwnskwn uhhh unpopular stranger things 3 opinions?

idk most opinions of st3 are so idk which are unpopular but i can give it a shot with just random opinions i have and it will loop over into what i think should/shouldnt happen in st4

it was really uncomfy and weird watching mike and el kiss at all, they're like 5 they're children it's just, it's uncomfy to be looking at

billy was not Redeemed in st3, we see depth in his character, we see a slight explanation for some behaviours and we see he's different but he's not technically Redeemed

Robin is the best character on the show, smart as fuck but terrible taste in women. my kinda girl

Steve not getting a love interest is better than the alternative, even if they make steve bi in canon i seriously need a season of steve being Alone romantically, so far he's gone from years with Nancy, trying to get Nancy back, trying to pick up girls and having a crush on Robin so he's always looking for Something romantic and im glad he isn't getting it, Steve needs to get some grasp on himself without the need for a romantic partner and allow himself to be without one and without need to get one before he does get with someone knew

erica and lucas are the best possible examples of siblings, then nancy and mike THEN jonathan and will, even if they're better at being close and stuff they aren't 1000% realistic for most sibling relationships

jim was quite harsh a lot this season and i know it was him being overprotective of el but sometimes it was a fine line between him being a steady and protective dad and him being pushed and losing it cause he didn't talk it out sooner

mike was a little shit and annoying as fuck this season. also a bad friend and a bad boyfriend. i know he's just a kid so im not gonna grasp the situation the same way he does cause im looking at it as someone older than him but he's sucked and did we see him actually apologise to will and say he's sorry? at all?

will and dustin were treated badly by people who are established to be their best friends and shouldve said smth sooner

nobody fessed up and took responsibility that they had such low expectations of dustin they not only accused him of lying abt having a girlfriend but didn't seem to show any sadness at not trusting their friend when he did reveal that it was true

joyce deserves that move away, even if hop had lived Joyce and the kids had been so beyond hurt and traumatised in Hawkins they deserved to be away from it all, especially el and will

billys mum is alive, it's clear she left and billy spoke to her on the phone in the memories so she's Alive and back in cali

speaking of, it doesn't in any way shape or form justify his actions and im not at all trying to but i do think a part of the change in billys attitudes between S2 and S3 could have been impacted by the fact in S2 he was JUST up and moved to a new town away from where he lived his whole life and probably the last connection or hope he had of being with his mother again so his being more calmed or tame in S3 could be him getting used to Hawkins and accepting he has to stay for X amount of time until he can move back alone if he wants to

suzie and dustin singing was sweet as hell

if Mike had done that whisper in the ear shit with me, id have thrown his ass out too

el and max are bi and also have crushes on each other just a lil bit

el's new fashion is cute and im not just saying that cause she dresses like i do sometimes

joyce should have said sorry sincerely for standing hop up at the restaurant, even if she was doing research and learning and stuff she should have apologised for leaving him hanging like that

it was fucked up and cruel and unnecessary to kill billy in front of max, for emotion i get it but for me, she didn't need to see that, she's a kid that's gonna stick with her forever and as far as i can think it's the only death she's actually seen happen in canon

max shouldn't be left with neil, i don't trust him not to turn on her now that billy isn't there taking hits, i just don't trust him not to snap at her now billy isn't around to deal with all the shit

i Knew before the show was released and i said it to someone i'll look for the chat, but i KNEW the audio that was used would be a flashback for Billy's life in cali and i was right and im fuckin stoked abt that

killing hop was shit, he just got the chance of a new daughter and a better life and was working on it to be there for her and more supportive and stuff and trying to work around her being in his life and having her own life outside of that

release tammy thompsons music! i need new muppets hits!!!! make her sing life's a happy song!!!!

heather was cute, wish she wasn't possessed 😔

idk anything else but im in love with steve harrington

[ASK ME ABOUT ANYTHING PLEASE]

[kairoth]

Could you do all of the questions?

heyhey! yea! done on my laptop :>

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?♥ usually more milk but then i try to fix the ratio and it ends up being more cereal asfh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?♥ eehhh sometimes

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?♥ mostly just pieces of paper lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?♥ with LOTS of sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?♥ yes. it's gross

6: do you keep plants?♥ yea!

7: do you name your plants?♥ ofc i do

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?♥ music mainly. like you'll know my mood by knowing what song i listen to

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?♥ ye ~

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?♥ my side usually but i move a lot in my sleep

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?♥ bongwater,,

12: what’s your favorite planet?♥ saturn! and pluto,,, and jupiter ahh

13: what’s something that made you smile today?♥ thinking about puppies !!!!!!

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?♥ idk? messy

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!♥ apparently you get taller in space

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?♥ this is boring of me but i like plain ol' pasta with butter and salt the most

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?♥ white with purple ombre !

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.♥ HHH when i was 6 months old i ate a spider and anyone who knows about it never lets me live it down

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?♥ i try to keep em and write in em but i often forget

20: what’s your favorite eye color?♥ mmm i can't choose, they're all great !

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.♥ oof my batman backpack that i gave to my dad. that thing went through A LOT. my new one is really good too tho. it's just red and black but it's served me well.

22: are you a morning person?♥ depends on if i've gotten a good night's sleep and if i'm particularly excited for the day!

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?♥ sleep, listen to music, read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?♥ yea. we don't talk anymore tho. i miss him

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?♥ nowhere? i've never broken in before

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?♥ i always wear my vans til they fall apart. my current pair are space themed bc ofc

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?♥ juicyfruit ig?

28: sunrise or sunset?♥ sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?♥ ASFH UHM idk?? them just being themselves is enough for me to smile over them

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?♥ yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.♥ i wear mismatched socks all the time but like they do match each other somewhat. like. i have a bunch of stitch socks and i don't wear their match but i'll wear another stitch sock with it.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.♥ uhh me and two friends played never have i ever over kik once and long story short we learned a lot abt each other. some things we never wanted to know

33: what’s your fave pastry?♥ idk! i like danish pastries pretty well tho

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?♥ teddy!! i got him when i was 5 from my cousin for like a nickel. he's just a standard lil brown teddy bear. and ofc i still have him asdgh can't sleep without him. i even bring him to sleepovers

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?♥ yea! i use them when i can

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?♥ EDEN. and crywank generally fits me too

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?♥ i like it to be clean but often it just gets cluttered and i don't have the motivation to clean it

38: tell us about your pet peeves!♥ uhhh i hate rude, arrogant, judgemental people, disloyalty, uhm, the sound that weird plastic makes, uhhh idk

39: what color do you wear the most?♥ mostly black and white

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?♥ my solar system bracelet! i saw the post for it on tumblr and sent it to my mum, and she ended up getting it for me for christmas!

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?♥ we were liars by e. lockhart. if i had to choose a fave it'd be that one. i sobbed for days after reading it. i think it kinda did smthn to my soul

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!♥ i do not sadly :

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?♥ my mum, i think ?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?♥ oof, when harley was still here. it was a nice day, the sun was shining through my window, birds singing, EDEN playing softly, and harley was all cuddled up on my chest with his head tucked under my chin, purring away.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?♥ depends. i try to evenly listen to my instincts and to logic

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.♥ my friend used to make a lot of bone puns bc of undertale and sans and one of my faves is "wasn't that HUMERUS"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?♥ SEAFOOD it's grrrrrrrrrrroooooooosssss

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?♥ death. and yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?♥ haven't bought many of those, i mostly listen to spotify :0 i did get the vinyl of black parade that mcr was giving out for the anniversary !

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?♥ crystals ig? pokemon cards, pens, books. uhh. i have a lot of paper and notebooks lmao

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?♥ mm. good times by all time low.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?♥ uhh idk i like all of em

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?♥ heathers is epic and i love christian slater but also his voice is hilarious, beetlejuice was good and amazingly weird, and i've no seen the other two yet.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?♥ HHH. the other day my mum's friend was talking abt how she's having problems with renters and she looked like she was gonna cry but it was more frustration than anything so idk?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?♥ man idk it's prob somethin big but i don't remember

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?♥ ? idk. it depends ig?? like for my one friend i love that he loves animals, for my other i love that she loves music. for one i love her kindness and outward innocence and i find it hilarious when she actually shows her angry or sassy side.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?♥ god i love bohemian rhapsody. so good. so catchy. the best. me and my former bff used to sing it all the time

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?♥ mmmm idk :0

59: what’s your favorite myth?♥ i love myths abt creatures! my faves are about the fae folk.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?♥ idk :0

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?♥ uhh just a basic gift card ig. and uhm idk?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?♥ mm if i have juice i'll drink it!

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?♥ i try to keep them organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?♥ it's getting late and it's kinda cloudy and grey

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?♥ yeaa.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?♥ mmm idk! maybe lots of purple and light blues? :0

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?♥ bad. i've always been nervous with storms and whatnot and those kinda days just make me jittery.

68: what’s winter like where you live?♥ well for a while it actually is winter and gets cold. but it's florida so ofc it goes back to being hot af.

69: what are your favorite board games?♥ i've always been fond of sorry sliders and candy land

70: have you ever used a ouija board?♥ NO AND I NEVER WILL. my mum and aunts did once and HHHHHHHH they ended up with a possessed barney doll

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?♥ earl grey ! i really wanna try lavender tea tho

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?♥ yea but i don't often actually do it

73: what are some of your worst habits?♥ i sleep and procrastinate too much but i'm trying, i pick at threads a lot hhh,

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.♥ ok uhh. they remind me of a canary bird. i associate them with yellow and pink. they're super sweet. always helpful. sad and i wish i could help them more. all in all a v good friend and v good person.

75: tell us about your pets!♥ OOF OK GET READY. syd: sydney, my man. the big orange floof. meathead. he likes to stand up and hold onto your shirt or pants and it's cute but also CLAWS. v smart, knows that if he annoys me enough i'll open my door for him. maggie: pretty pretty princess. also the grossest princess. beaut white, brown capped fur and green gold eyes and cutest lil meows. bean: has two thumbs, one is teensy tiny. meows are like inaudible. usually grumpy and will run if you pet her. only accepts affection when she's sleepy. sebastian: the real grumpy cat. russian blue boy. has a hard time jumping correctly now cos he's old. always talking and complaining. likes pets. will fight you. ash: scaredy boi. dark as night. murrs instead of meows bc he wasn't raised by other cats. rarely purrs but you know he loves you. likes head bumps. will scratch you if you're not paying attention to him. can be a bully. arrow: FAT. has scabs bc he keeps scratching himself,, why boi why (we think he's allergic to smthn). meows LOUDLY. eats everyone's food. likes to go outside. once got stuck in the same tree twice. shelby: old girl. jack russel. super hyper but also LAZY. only sleeps under blankets. gets jealous. will force her way onto your lap. the smelliest dog in existence i swear. emmy: chihuahua. grumpyyyy old lady. always telling people to shut up (mostly shelby). cute tho. has seizures sometimes. will purposefully use the bathroom on the floor where you'll step or on something of yours if you upset her. moriarty: my snek! good boy. likes to be under his paper towels. smol. has a cute face. percy: GRUMPY leopard gecko. she's a blizzard morph and she looks purple. so grumpy aaaaaaaaah. red: my betta girl. the other girls with her (blue and esme) died. she comes up to the glass to say hi to you. oscar the grouch: hedgehog. SO GRUMP. he literally turned his entire house around so you can't see him. rude. lillith, yuki, and star: ferrets. inseperable. good little catsnakes who i love. yuki has a thing for feet and shoes. star messes with the dogs/cats by nipping them. lillith is good but bites a bit hard. the chickens: we named them after the avengers. cap can die. literally she hates me and my mum she tries to fight us. RUDE.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?♥ yes. schoolwork

77: pink or yellow lemonade?♥ i like both !

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?♥ uhh hate club ig? idrk?????

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?♥ mmmMM my former bff used to be very supportive of my clinginess and she would be talking and i could just like hold my hands out to her or hug her and she'd be totally ok with it and not even pause talking. the best thing ever tbh

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?♥ two walls are light grey and the other two are a slightly darker grey! i chose it :> i wanted a good neutral color besides beige or white.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.♥ mmm. like the sun shining through the branches of the trees.

82: are/were you good in school?♥ i mean?? ig? i get ok grades (mostly Bs) but i always procrastinate assignments cos i'm lazy and unmotivated

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?♥ ooohh my fave is from life starts now by three days grace. i actually made it my theme once on chrome

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?♥ yea! i wanna get a lot of space related ones! and maybe the chip number of my boy harley

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?♥ mm. i read webcomics! a fave of mine is stutterhug by samantha davies on taptastic :>

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?♥ uhhhhhhh i don't know any off the top of my head and i looked it up and it says american idiot by green day is one and i love them so? yeah

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?♥ THE CROW. and the last unicorn!! both so good

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?♥ i've always been fond of symbolism

89: are you close to your parents?♥ i'm close to my mum! not so much my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.♥ woodsboro, maryland! that's where my aunts and cousins live. i love going up there!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?♥ idk! my mum did bring up going somewhere this year tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?♥ barely even a pinch. unless it's spaghetti and that powdery parmesan cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?♥ wellll we shaved the sides and back so it's just long at the top and flipped sideways

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?♥ ? it was my mum's boss's birthday a few days ago :0 we all had lunch together and she asked me what name she should call me by. i love her tbh

95: what are your plans for this weekend?♥ hopefully i can go see the puppies !!!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?♥ procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?♥ infp, leo but i relate more to my scorpio chart, and hufflepuff!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?♥ i've never actually been hiking!! and tbh i enjoy pretty much anything long as i'm with someone i like!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.♥ jupiter by EDEN, leech boy by crywank, lost//found by EDEN, boats & birds by gregory and the hawk, and saturn by sleeping at last. a lot of others too ahh

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?♥ five years in the past. i could fix a lot of things that happened.

[chaotic-whywolf]

21

21 Days: What are Ryder’s personality traits? Describe 5 strengths and 5 flaws.

Strengths:

1.       Smart/Well Educated: I gave Heather a college degree in both mechanical and electrical engineering, which is pretty impressive considering how young I made her (abt. 26-ish). Clearly this girl is smart. She’s going to be a problem solver, an out-of-the-box thinker. I think that’s why she was selected for the Andromeda Initiative.

2.       Optimistic: Heather always sees the light side of a situation. People always have a good part of them, all setbacks really are is a new opportunity, etc. She’s not easily deterred or upset. This really gets on her brother’s nerves, who I made much more pessimistic.

3.       Creative: Heather is an out-of-the-box thinker in terms of problem solving. Although not as classically artsy as some of my other OCs, I think Heather’s unique perspective lets her express herself in my narrative. Perhaps it comes out with her crafting, making unique yet useful tools and weapons for her and the squad and giving it funny names. She also loves messing around with the 3D printers making all sorts of random plastic trinkets – anywhere from a sculpture model of some cool alien animal she saw that day to a full chess set to teach Vetra how to play (headcannons are brewing)

4.       Friendly/Diplomatic/Cheerful: I like playing diplomatic playthroughs first, and that personality fits well for the bubbly optimist I’m building right now. Heather makes friends easily. (Holy snap I can see myself making a Mary Sue even as I write this, she has flaws I know she does!)

5.       Determined: Heather is not easily deterred from the path she chooses, although she’s not as stubborn as I’d plan on making her brother. (Yah I know I can’t play him in her playthrough but I have my own headcannons).

Flaws:

1.       Naïve: Thinking on how optimistic and idealistic I made Heather, it’s easy to see her as really naïve or gullible.  She’s still human, she’ll make mistakes. She’ll own up to them. Most likely what happens is she’ll misread someone and walk her crew into a trap. I think the best way to pull one over on Heather is to be really charismatic and flattering, because she just can’t read people as well as she thinks she can.

2.       Inexperienced: The Andromeda Initiative is the first real test for Heather. Everything before this either came easy for her, or could be surpassed with enough hours studying. She’s been a leader before, in her research teams and even some training missions in preparation for Andromeda, but I doubt she’s never been in an actual life-threatening situation without a supervisor to step in if things go to hell – and things practically never went to hell even then. Heather’s been blessed with an almost supernatural good luck, which will likely turn on her the moment game starts – because no RPG ever actually gives the protag. actually good luck. The point of this mini rant is to say Heather has never been tested, she’s going to have so much stress on her (the literal fate of her species) when things finally go wrong and she doesn’t have the life experience to know how to work through failure and struggles. I think that, if anything, will be Heather’s Achilles heel.

3.       Co-Dependent: With Heather’s Achilles heel being stress, I think giving her actual family to come along the ship would be a literal life-saver. That supernatural good-luck didn’t carry over to Scott, so Heather turns to him when the stress gets too intense. Family sticks together after all, no matter how annoying your 2 min older brother is. But this could foster a dynamic of co-dependency between the twins, what if Scott and Heather have to be separated for a long time during or after the game, how will they cope now that their living security blanket has left? If it does happen, Heather will probably be able to work through it, but it will be an especially anxious time with her.

4.       Easily Bored: I did give Heather a high intelligence and creativity, and in my experience people expressing those traits can get bored REALLY fast. And when they get bored they  get into trouble.

5.       Insecure: Most overachievers I know have security issues, especially with Heather. She’ll never admit it, but she needs constant assurances she’s doing the right thing or the best she can.

[bbyboyycal]

i wrote a thing based on the song ‘heather’

It began and ended with Sully.

 It was always going to be him. 

And I realised this when I was lying upside down off the edge of his bed, the room basked in the golden hue of his desk light, the Xbox throwing out a continuous stream of various noises as he played on it, unaware of the ache in my heart. It filled the room with a purple melancholy that only I could see and that thought hurt more than anything, I think. 

“Wilf mate, its no use you coming round to play Xbox if you don’t actually play it - I need backup.” 

I sighed and picked up the controller, it looked smaller in his hands than mine, but he was a couple of inches taller than me so it would make sense. His eyes were focused on the screen and I couldn’t help but stare at them, the green flickering between sections of the digital map, his brain visibly working hard, I wondered if he knew I was looking at him - I doubt it, he didn’t notice anything. 

Maybe that was what made it so easy to love him and to cope with him never loving me back, he just didn’t notice, he was so innocent to it all. 

His knee brushed mine and he leant against me as he tried to veer his soldier to the right, I laughed gently at him, but the slight touch send shivers running up my back, his hands so close to mine that I could reach out and grab one, interlace our fingers and never let go - twined in an endless grip. 

“You alright?” He questioned, pulling me out of my daydream. 

I nodded, “Just a bit cold that’s all.” 

Liar. 

I was anything but cold, flustered with a rapid pulse was probably the best way to describe it. 

“Oh I was meant to give you this ages ago, I never wear it n’ thought you might like it.” He explains as he passes me a navy blue jumper with red stitching on - it looked like a vintage-style college sweater, it was nice. 

I thanked him, taking it and trying not to focus on the quick brush of our hands as he passed it to me. Pulling it over my head I inhaled deeply (and not too obviously), taking in his familiar smell, the comfort of him washing over me. 

“It looks better on you than it does me mate, keep it.” He said, patting my shoulder and turning back to the screen. 

My heart swelled, sitting swollen in the middle of my chest, my ears burning with a bright blush and my fingers tingled as I attempted to focus on the game at hand, rather than him.

Sleeping on the floor that night, surrounded by the scent of mint and Tom Ford, I snuggled deeper into the sweater, taking long breaths, swamped in thoughts of unrequited love and Sully. 

--

School dragged itself into Monday, the halls filled with muffled laughter and distant chattering as I could only focus on one person. But it all changed that day. 

“Well, she texted me that and then I had to reply-” I tuned out Sully’s response to some dumb question one of the other boys asked, I should of been listening to because whatever he said awarded him with a round of clap on the backs and daps, I frowned feeling out of the loop. 

“Wait, bro, here she comes,” Arthur said, and I followed their eyes to where a caramel haired girl walked with her friends - she held her books to her chest, eyes bright and angelic, as she seemed to float over everyone else, unaware of the eyes on her while she spoke to her friends. The four of them deep in a conversation that wasn’t privy to the surrounding eyes. Her eyes, however, darted up to meet Sullys, dark chocolate meeting sea glass. She smiled coyly, almost shyly, her blush a peachy pink colour enveloping the freckles on her nose. 

Sully elbowed me, “Back off Wilf, Heather’s mine.” He winked and took off in a jog down the hall to her, stopping outside her locker where she now stood, wide-eyed and staring up at him as he smiled down at her. 

All I could do was stand on numb legs and watch it unfold. 

--

At lunch he gave me his orange juice, I don’t know why he bought it when we all know he hates it, I thanked him but didn’t touch it, hoping with unfaithfulness that he would understand I was in a mood - he didn’t. 

The conversations surrounding me were hollow, and I couldn’t focus my attention on one long enough to understand any of them. The room felt a mossy green, jealousy clinging to my very being, when Heather cut through it with her short skirt and glossy hair. The sun shining behind her, lighting her up in a halo of pure gold, the earth bending around her, fitting around her. 

Sully’s face lit up and my heart dimmed as he pushed Dan out of the seat beside him, pulling her by the wrist to sit there, she giggled a melodic sound and I hated that it felt so naturally calming - her voice matching. She spoke about something Mr Nancy had said in her English Lit class and everyone listened, well, Sully listened, the rest of the boys nudged each other and spoke in low voices, rumblings across the table about how whipped Sullivan was over this girl, and defences of how she was peng so he had the right to be. 

“She’s kinda got an angel vibe though, don’t you think. Like you could tell me she was an angel and I’d be like, yeah, adds up.” 

I rolled my eyes and stood up from the table, leaving the orange juice and curious eyes behind. 

--

Sully: r u good

Me: yh fine why 

Sully: u just left @ lunch?? 

Me: I had to go talk to Miss Clain abt some dumb hw

Sully: aight, as long as ur good 

Me: yh i’m good :) 

Sully: sick one

Sully: do u like heather

Me: wdym 

Sully: r u pissed im moving her

Me: no 

Me: why would i be

Sully: dw

--

My heart jumped. 

Did he know? Had he finally realised? 

With pins and needles in my lips and a clenched feeling in my stomach I looked up when I heard footsteps on the pavement. 

“I was worried you liked her and was annoyed I was chatting to her.” He panted. 

I laughed, relief flooding my veins, only for a second though as I considered how much he appeared to like this girl. 

He wasn’t usually like this with them, he usually just talked to them over a weekend and then aired them in school, she seemed different - this seemed different. 

“No not at all, I told you I just had to talk about homework.” 

He nodded, “I really like her, you know? She properly is so cool, I’m whipped.” He laughed at himself and I became numb to everything he said on the way back to his house, his constant stream of talk about her sticking into my heart, one shard at a time.

--

Friday night called for a party at Danny’s - allegedly head told his parents it was just meant to be the boys, but as soon as they left on their weekend away the house became a bustling mass of people. 

She was here, wrapped up in his arms, hands around his neck, his own hands on her tiny waist, her pretty face close to his as they whispered to each other secrets that I would never know. That I couldn’t be trusted with. 

My gnawing heart took a hold of me as I downed my second cup of - something - and moved out onto the patio to play beer pong with Jude and Thea’s group of friends. 

The room span in a technicolour but all I could focus on was Sully and Heather. 

All I could see was fingers intertwined, the ring on his index clashing with the rings on her fingers, her dainty little hands, that fit so perfectly into his. 

I followed her fingers to her hand and then her wrist, everything about her small, everything about her longing to be folded up into the perfect space within Sully.

I frowned as her hand was covered by the long sleeve of the sweater she was wearing - that wasn’t hers. That belonged to the boy currently looking at me with his head resting on top of her head. 

He smiled dopily at me, but not in a drunk way, not in the way I longed for him to - if he was drunk then it would be fine, he wouldn’t know what he was doing, he would be smiling freely and dopily like that and being drunk would explain it. 

But he was driving tonight - he wasn’t drunk. 

He smiled like he was in love. 

The room span when I moved, but I continued towards them, willing my feet to move like a sober person’s would. 

“Wilf,” Heather greeted me, pulling me into a hug and I willed every part of myself to like her, to be happy for Sully that he had found someone this kind and lovely, that he had found a girl who mirrored his dopey love smile, that was calming in a stormy hallway - but a bigger part of me hated her because she wasn’t me. 

I wasn’t her. 

“Hey, nice sweater, it looks familiar?” I asked as though I hadn’t seen the crimson coloured fabric on Sully most days of the week - it was his favourite, he rarely let me wear it, and on the occasions, he did he was so protective of it. 

“Yeah you have mate, it’s mine, you know that, don’t be a dipshit.” He smirked at me and I punched his shoulder in a jokey manner, wanting to keep my hand there, wanting to just touch him in any way I could. 

“Oh shit yeah! I thought I was your ‘hand-me-down collector’ though?” Hoping my voice wasn’t tinged with the jealousy that shrouded my every cell at that moment. 

“But Heather just looks so pretty in it, don’t you think?” He asked, pulling her closer to him, making her little nose scrunch up as she curled into the specific place for her in his chest. 

They fit so well together. 

I shook my head while forcing a smile and excused myself to go to the garden, finding Nate (a boy I had gotten with before) and pulling him into the space between the shed and the back fence. 

His kiss didn’t fuel anything within me, I just needed a place to put my emotions for the night, someone else to cling to before I was consumed by this neverending ache within me. 

--

Hours later on the way home Sully wouldn’t shut up about her. Everything he said was about her and I started to wonder if this is what I sounded like talking about him to other people. 

He was in awe of the celestial being that was Heather McGraw and I couldn’t escape the bombarding emotions wrecking my body and soul. 

“Just stop!” I screamed, Sully’s head whipped round the smile on his face dropping and it shattered my heart to know I had had that effect on him. 

“What? Are you okay?” 

No response 

“Wilf, mate, what’s wrong?” 

We had stopped on the side of a road and I took it as an opportunity to escape his stare - swinging open the door I bolted from the car, feet slapping the pavement, a light summer drizzle beginning to set in. 

“Wilf! Stop!” 

I heard him running behind me but didn’t stop until I was halfway out of breath trying to figure out what I had to say to him. 

All I could think of was, “You gave her your sweater.” 

I said it bluntly and through my heavy breathing I heard the tinged pain that had been so evident for weeks now - a build up of negative energy and heartache and everything that made me jealous of her. 

Sully looked at me, hand reached out to touch my shoulder, to tell me to stop, to calm down, to slow my breathing - but I shrugged him off, knowing if he touched me he would hug me. Hoping it would make him stop. 

But he didn’t, he strode forward a step and wrapped his arms around me. I hit his chest, crying, pleading with him to just let me go. 

 “Not until you let me what’s wrong.” 

My voice broken apart by my crying, “You gave her your sweater, Sully. Your sweater.” 

“I-My sweater?” 

I nodded against his shoulder, waiting for his response. 

“My sweater?” He asked again, it not connecting in his head, “It’s just a sweater, just simple polyester?” 

I yanked myself out of his arms, hating that he wasn’t getting it, hating myself more. 

“You like her though, right?” I shouted, rage covering up the pain, if I could channel anger, I wouldn’t have to think about the hurt. 

If I could hate him, I could stop loving him. 

“Of course I like her? Why are you being like this? What’s going on?” 

“You like her more than me.” I said matter-of-factly, “You like her better.” 

He shook his head, confusion written deep within his green eyes and sharp features. 

“Wilf-” 

He still wasn’t getting it. He still didn’t understand who I was. He still didn’t get how much I loved him. 

Cutting him off I grabbed his face in my hands, pulling him into a kiss. 

Trying to tell him everything. 

He didn’t kiss me back. 

I pulled away, face red with embarrassment. 

Hanging my head, I whispered, “I’m sorry I’m not her. I wish I was her.” 

Then leaving him there, in the dark, the rain turning to showers, streetlights basking the world in a tungsten glow, I sprinted - willing my legs to carry me away, willing them to make me forget how much I wish I were Heather.”