#bc one person does Fuck Up Badly but i don't want it to seem like i target them specifically

[judasofsuburbia]

i'm so stuck with this new easy chapter

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Please tell me more about your human welcome home au 👀

!! gladly!!

i don't remember what i said in the first - and like... only lmao - post about it so if i restate some things! fuckign oopsie! (a lot of this is just Barnaby &/or Wally asbdjasj im sorry) also this got! so fucking long!

~ (im gonna talk about their middle/highschool years a lot so keep in mind the time frame is late 90s / early 2000s. they graduate high in either 2006/2007. so. yk. obvious warning for homophobia, transphobia, etc)

fun lil thing no.1)

so Barnaby & Wally briefly meet for the first time in the summer before 7th grade. the town Barnaby grows up & goes to school in isn't tiny, but it's not huge either. - i don't have a very good frame of reference for how many students are typically in a school, bc in both my middle/high there was at least nearly 2k of us. - so we'll just say it's smaller than that - a respectable, normal size, however many students that is. but Barnaby's school rarely, if ever, got any new kids.

so Wally randomly appeared on the edge of the Beagle farm one day, staring directly at Barnaby from across the fields. before Barnaby could go say hi, Wally vanished - but! on the first day of 7th grade, they wound up sharing a class. ofc within the day Wally was known as not only the new kid, but a weird kid at that. for the first week he sat next to a kid who had zeroed in on that and was an ass about it. Barnaby - already having an established rep as class clown & also widely well-liked by his peers - would try to stand up for Wally (from across the room) whenever that kid was being a dick to Walls in front of the class

by the end of that first week, seating arrangements were shifted, and Barnaby was seated next to Wally for the first semester instead. ofc the moment Barnaby sat down, he tried to strike up conversation and cracked a killer joke. and Wally, as we all know, doesn't laugh. he doesn't even blink! it rattles Barnaby to his core - not everyone laughs at his jokes, but there's always some kind of reaction!

class begins before Barnaby can be like "hey that. that was a joke. you're supposed to laugh". the whole hour all he can think about is the strange new kid next to him Who Didn't React To Barnaby's Joke. when the bell rings, Barnaby lingers as Wally (very slowly) packs up to go to his next class and walks him there. on the way he explains the joke, and Wally does the whole "oh. ha ha." thing. this all makes Barnaby very late to his next class (he's usually very punctual and never late - he doesn't want to disappoint his mama!) but for once he does not care.

Barnaby has been struck with this soul-deep need to get a genuine reaction out of Wally. he needs to make that guy actually laugh. it's all he can think about. he seeks Wally out for lunch, tries to find him after school (can't), looks for him in the halls. and to be clear! this is all very platonic! well, ok, these two kinda muddle the line BUT they have no romantic interest in each other. Barnaby just... really wants to be the new kid's friend. he wants to make him laugh. it's a friendship crush! platonic yearning! an inescapable desire to please & be accepted! he wants Wally's approval so so badly!

basically, Barnaby says "you're the weirdest person i've ever met (affectionate, intrigued, entranced)" and Wally replies "thank you (proud)"

fun lil thing no.2)

in my mind, Barnaby was a small kid. he was one of those kids who seemed like they were either gonna stay short, or just barely reach average height. he got his main growth spurt when he was like.... 16. it was very sudden. he lived the classic trope of "teen gets way taller over the summer and startles everyone on the first day of school". im talkin he goes from around 5'7 to 6'3. shoots right up like bamboo! and he's still not full height yet! mf is gonna cap out at 6'6!

on the flip side, Howdy was always just. so tall. he was that kid who towered over his peers from the start! ofc he got teased relentlessly for it (along with the transatlantic accent he started talking w/ at a young age and refuses to stop - among other eccentricities), but yk. he already got constant comments from his huge family about it, so he grew a thick skin pretty early on.

Poppy, on the other hand - the last of the three giants - had it worse than both of them! she wasn't outright taller than Howdy, and didn't have a sudden growth spurt like Barnaby, but steadily grew over the years until she was the tallest teen in town. this hit her hard bc not only did it draw unwanted attention to her & make her a target, but it made her dysphoria way worse (Poppy doesn't realize she's trans until highschool, and then doesnt medically transition until her early 20s)

but! once she started getting super tall, Howdy essentially glued himself to her a la "we tall guys gotta stick together!" a classic 'extrovert adopts introvert' thing. Poppy had no say in the matter.

fun lil thing no.3)

everyone's family sucks - except for Barnaby's, Howdy's, and Eddie's. well, mostly Eddie's. in my head they meant well but just... didn't really see the harm they were doing to him. he never spoke up, and they never saw him deeper than surface level.

but Frank's family? horrible. eugh. he was the school's "out gay kid" - not of his own choice! his peers picked up on it because it was very obvious. then the teachers heard, and let his parents know because of course they did, etc etc. Frank's home life was already shitty, and then getting outed (without any real proof or confirmation) made it a hundred times worse. he was a pretty depressed teen (emo Frank lets go) with mild anger issues & a habit for picking fights. but anyway on his eighteenth birthday he packed up his essentials into a backpack, escaped out the back, and never returned.

and Julie's siblings were alright, but their parents and grandparents were all very ~traditional~. it wasn't as rough as Frank's - it was more of a neglectful, passive-aggressive "you're all disappointments' household. ex: Jonesy was known as the local pothead & dealer, and his parents essentially pretend he's not part of the family despite him living in their basement. Bea had a bad (untrue) reputation, Franny was the goth weirdo who people blamed for their problems, etc. and then Julie was always different from "normal girls", and so her parents chalked her up as a mistake as well. but hey! at least the sibs were in it together! and the parents didn't care if Frank stayed over!

Poppy's family was great up until her parents caught her trying on a skirt Sally had made for her. it was a horrible, terrible downhill slide from there. they forced her to join the basketball team, made her keep her door open at all times, etc. for a while she couldn't even see her friends, though eventually they started sneaking in through her window & passing her notes in class. messaging in a 'secret' chatroom yk how it is. Poppy never directly stood up to her parents (very understandable & valid) but she rebelled in small ways. lying about having an after-school thing so that she could be with her friends, convincing her parents to let her go to a study group when in reality she'd be having a girls' night with Sally & Julie & Julie's sisters @ the Beagle farm.

Sally's family was similar to Julie's in that they were more lukewarm towards her than outright abusive. they thought she was too loud, too flamboyant, too expensive, too obvious, pretty much too everything. they wanted her to be normal - Sally wanted to stand on the roof and wax (loud) poetic about damsels. she wasn't outright bullied for being gay like Frank was, but it was certainly a common rumor that she was a lesbian. as a result, most of the girls at school wanted nothing to do with her, and the guys loved to provide commentary on the subject. her parents tried their best to ignore that truth and acted like she was totally straight. sure. still, Sally always refused to compromise on who she was, and treated it all like a mild annoyance. totally didn't hurt her at all. yep. (sarcasm)

there isn't anything known about Wally's family. not even Barnaby knows about them. the group tossed theories around (amongst themselves) over the years - was he an orphan? foster kid? was his family / home life so horrific that he doesn't want anyone to know? all they know is that he became an emancipated minor as young as legally possible and started living in Home, his (admittedly very spacious & high quality) RV. and they didn't even know about that until their junior year except for Frank

on the other side of the coin!

Ms. Beagle was the friend group's favorite adult growing up. the Beagle Farm was a common refuge & hangout spot for them, and Ms. Beagle let all of Barnaby's strange & delightful little friends know that there's always a guest room open for them, should they ever need it. and as a respected member of the community (and provider for the best chicken eggs in town), anyone who tried to speak up against the kids was Immediately shut the fuck down. Ms. Beagle took no shit. if people were talking ill about that "group of depraved teenage fuckups" and Ms. Beagle turned the corner, all conversation would cease until she was well out of earshot. she likes to say that she has 6 kids, all of whom she loves dearly and is very proud of <3

Howdy's family is too damn big to care. not in a neglectful way, just in a "oh, you're friends with... who was it again? Franz? invite him over to dinner someti- STOP PUNCHING YOUR BROTHER-" there's too much chaos, too many things to keep track of to care if Howdy's friends are gay, or trans, or absolutely fucking bizarre. they'll blend right in! Howdy could bring them over for dinner without telling his family and none of them would blink twice! Howdy mentioned that his friends have bad home lives Once and his parents immediately insisted that he bring them over for next week's thanksgiving so that they don't have to deal with that during what should be a holiday. thus began the All Six Of Us + Ms. Beagle + Franny/Bea/Jonesy Attend The Pillar Family Thanksgiving. its incredibly chaotic every time. there's so many fucking people. they're too busy fighting for survival (bread rolls) to bother with manners or awkwardness. every time they leave feeling like they fought a war. none of the friend group has missed a single year.

fun thing no.idontremember!

Wally & Barnaby have had three fights. each are catastrophic and threatened to tear the friend group apart. because those two are closer than anyone - they are each others person. they would both rather chug rat poison than willingly hurt each other. and while Barnaby - a pretty easygoing guy - can get riled up, Wally... really can't. he's never angry. even things that Should make him angry only make him confused or sad. he's too kind, too earnest, a bit of a pushover. he'll just take it with a smile.

so when Wally stands his ground, they all know shit is going tf down. code red, everyone brace. and if he stands his ground against Barnaby? pack a fucking go-bag and ditch town until the storm blows over.

the first time was when Barnaby found out that Wally lives in a damn RV. Wally got weirdly defensive about it, Barnaby was upset that Wally never even told him but somehow Frank knew (he had a bad night & couldn't go home, Julie was unavailable, and Wally found him and took him to the RV for the night) & that Wally is living alone in an RV at all, etc etc - it was a huge fight. & it just kept getting worse. when Barnaby tried to get Wally to move to the farm - that was the first time he's ever heard Wally snap at anyone, let alone him. and since the friend group is fully established at this point, and they're all hopelessly entangled in each others' lives, it affects all of them. sides have to be chosen - there is no neutral party on this. Wally ended up vanishing for a week without a word, and his RV vanished from where it had been parked thus far. the group was in shambles. when Wally turned back up, he actively avoided them all. it took Barnaby tracking down the rv and not leaving until Wally talked to him to have a conversation and fix things. but hey! the disaster actually helped them get even closer!

the second fight was when Barnaby had to go back to the Beagle Farm for their second year of community (Ms. Beagle had a minor accident and needed his help running the farm). Wally wanted to drop out too & go with him, and it turned into a big deal of Barnaby trying to get him to stay while Wally gets unusually pushy & upset about it. the fight wasn't nearly as bad as the RV one, and was more just sad/distressing, but it was still a fight. they parted on less than stellar terms, which they both felt horrible about. Wally has to go through the last year of community alone - he hasn't been alone in many years at this point, and since they met he's never been without Barnaby.

the third fight comes many years later, and this one is the worst. the friend group has all graduated university(those that attended), they're living in the same town, Barnaby & Wally (technically) share a house, Eddie is part of the group now. once again, its over everyone's favorite RV, Home. Home is very old at this point - Wally has had it for around 15 years, and he didn't get it new, and it's been through a lot. Wally is still half living in it, even though it's starting to fall apart. Barnaby brings up the notion that maybe it's time to send the old thing off to a dump, or find a way to put it in storage. they can't keep up the upkeep. it's time to say goodbye to it. Wally flips his fucking lid - or his version of it, anyway. because, uh. no. absolutely fucking not. it's already a very touchy subject, and emotions rise fast. Wally initially shuts down the conversation immediately. over the next week or so, few weeks maybe, tension between Barnaby & Wally simmers. the entire friend group is holding their breath. Barnaby wants the RV gone, as sad as he is about it. Wally won't allow it. of course they reach a breaking point - Barnaby pulls the "i own the property its parked on" card, Wally threatens to leave. of course that scares Barnaby, but that fear mixes with the anger and he fully yells at Wally for the first time. and then Wally shoves him. or tries to - it does nothing physically, but emotionally? it immediately drains all anger from the situation. Wally has never purposefully raised a hand against anyone ever, for any reason. and yet he tried to shove Barnaby. Wally immediately turns tail and runs - he locks himself in the RV, and Barnaby goes to Howdy's.

at Howdy's, Wally calls Barnaby. at first Barnaby jumps at the chance to apologize and try to work something out, but then he recognizes the background noise - Wally is driving Home somewhere. that RV is absolutely not fucking safe to drive anymore. the conversation immediately derails and goes from 0 to 100 within a second. Howdy is off to the side nervously sipping at his beer as Barnaby argues w/ Wally. the phone call abruptly cuts off, Barnaby says "the little bastard hung up on me" and starts Ranting. he says things he doesn't mean, obviously, and Howdy is trying to get him to chill tf out. he's just too angry/scared/hurt/worried yk?

but don't worry Barnaby! Wally didn't hang up on you! yeah so a while later (a little over an hour i think), Barnaby gets a call! it's from the town hospital! yeah so he's Wally's emergency contact, and apparently Wally "hanging up on him" was actually Wally getting into a horrendous accident. it wasn't his fault! there was a drunk driver! but it's... bad. the drunk driver had died in the crash, and since it was night and no one was around, help was a long time coming for Wally. its a miracle that someone found him & called an ambulance in time! so Barnaby realizes that the whole time he was talking shit & being angry, his best friend was slowly dying in a ditch somewhere, alone and in pain. and that's a whole thing!

time for some fun "facts"!

the first time Eddie went over to Frank's place, he immediately fainted when Frank turned the lights on & Eddie saw that he was surrounded by pet tanks filled with Very Large Bugs. then he fainted again when Frank removed the tarantula from its tank to clean said tank.

Wally & Barnaby's cat is named Welcome! she's usually small & pitch black with a permanently bristled tail! she's actually Barnaby's - he found her in a park as a kitten, and her unnerving stare reminded him of Wally so he took her home. Wally would like a dog! Barnaby would not! the cat is their only pet and will remain their only pet, no compromise. Wally retaliated by gluing googly eyes & dog ears onto a rock he found, then painting it. its name is Barnaby. Barnaby has beef w/ it a la Elmo & Rocco when Wally isn't looking

one time, during a group trip to the annual Pillar Family Thanksgiving, the gang stopped at a cabin-themed diner. Sally gasped at stopped Barnaby at the door "We must leave - you can't eat here". when everyone asked why, she pointed at a decorative sign on the wall: Don't Feed The Bears. it instantly became a smash hit inside joke that sometimes backfires (like that one time they go camping and Barnaby acts like he can't open the bear-proof dumpsters & locks & coolers). Howdy once got a "dont feed the bears" sign to put up in the store's diner section as a joke, but as soon as Barnaby saw it he left and refused to come back until Howdy took it down. he'd stand outside the store window and gaze at Howdy from afar w/ the biggest, saddest puppy eyes. it was incredibly effective

speaking of Howdy's store! they all built it together! Howdy managed to get his hands on an abandoned shell of an old building, and they all refurbished/renovated it! they all had the collective skills to get it done. Wally helped draw up blueprints & directed the color-scheme / painting portion, Sally and Barnaby used their carpentry skills, etc.

when Eddie "reconnects" with everyone, he feels like he's going insane. 'cause he keeps running into people who are familiar enough that it bothers him, but he just can't place where they're from (most if not all of them look very different from the last time he saw them in highschool). it drives him nuts! and then he meets Wally and Wally's like "oh! Eddie! it's you!" and Eddie's all "uh... how did you know myna- OH MY GOD IT'S YOU". he has a small crisis because he's over that time in his life, he's in a much better place, he's grown as a person. then he realizes that it's not just Wally but the entire fucking friend group he agonized over wanting to befriend for years and years. the group that (unintentionally) made him feel completely alone and like he was living a lie. and he keeps. running. into them. so Eddie, who just moved to this town, starts looking at mail carrier opportunities elsewhere bc he is Not doing this again - only for Julie to show up and drag him to a friend group function. because they all got together and went "oh, you caught up w/ Eddie too?? so we're in agreement? great! he's ours now! Julie, go get him". and then they accidentally break Eddie's wrist in a zealous game of soccer-baseball-corntoss & from then on won't leave him alone <3

Wally keeps his hair consistently dyed a rich royal blue - even his eyebrows! he continuously touches it up so his roots are never showing! Barnaby keeps his hair dyed blue in solidarity, but to a lesser extent - his roots show, and he doesn't dye his eyebrows or his sideburns/beard

on that vein, Wally has a very extensive hair-care routine he does every morning. he straightens his natural curls out, manipulates his hair into that absurd swirl, and hairsprays it to death. & gels down everything else. shit's Airtight. then at night he has an equally elaborate routine of washing the hairspray/gel out, treating his hair with high quality shampoos/conditioner/oils, and blowdrying it with impeccable technique to keep it Healthy

continuing on that vein - one time Barnaby was makin' breakfast when he heard a crash from upstairs. he sprinted to go see if Wally was alright, but Wally had locked the bathroom door and refused to open up. after Barnaby convinced him to, the door opened to reveal a very miserable Wally still in his towel. his hair was green. "the bottle said dye-safe', he said. the bottle lied. he wore hats for a while.

ok im gonna stop here! this is an absurd amount! i got carried away!

[ruthlesslistener]

♦️ for Hollow

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

-Oohh this is a fun one. Hollow is full of quirks imo, first and foremost being that they are a burrower by nature and will disappear entirely if you ever put them in a bed with enough pillows and blankets for them to nest in (this is made even easier by the fact that I headcanon the beds of the beetle tribes to be cup shaped and lined with soft padding). How does something so tall fit into burrows so easily is anyone's guess, but they manage to fold themselves in there just fine!

Second is that they're a very good visual learner and managed to learn how to read and engineer simply from watching PK do it, though they have zero interest in actually doing any engineering past fixing any appliances that cause problems later on in their life. Reading is a different story, however- once they begin to realize that they're allowed to have autonomy in their life, they start to pick up on it more and develop a preference for what they like to read. That preference is romance novels, and no, quality doesn't count in the slightest. They're more fascinated by the dramatics of it all than the actual romance (though they think the romance is very sweet)

Third quirk is that I think Hollow is just naturally a very quiet person, in pretty much every sense of the word, and that's how they got away with being the Pure Vessel. They're just...still. Their body language is naturally subtle to nothing, they're not at all fond of 'speaking' in any sense of the word, and they generally prefer to just sit in the sidelines and observe the world and all its nuances by default. These are all characteristics that got amplified to unhealthy levels by the Pure Vessel plan, of course, but that's how they got away with seeming pure before they fully grasped the gravity of the situation (that, and the fact that they were paralyzed by overstimulation after being pulled from the dark hellhole of their birth to a blindingly white and relatively safe world for a good long while). Void-speech is more of a stream of shared consciousness detailing physical sensations and visuals and impressions rather than anything close to words, but if they were to have a void-name, it would be The Silent One. Post-ascension, it would be Bringer of Silence- Silence for short. They don't want anyone but their void siblings (and maybe PK) to call them that, however, because its similar to a true-name in that its uncomfortably close to their nature and thus not something they want revealed to the world.

Fourth is that they're hyperempathetic. This one's weird because they really have no reason to have this at all, given that both of their parents have little to no empathy simply bc of their nature- but they do. This pairs badly when you factor in how similar to PK they are in terms of depressive disorders and emotional dysfunction bc they care they care they care so much but they have no outlet for being able to care other than to give the entirety of themselves to, well...everything. What they went through was absolute hell and was a torture that no being should ever experience, and left them with extreme CPTSD, but if they were told that trying again would end with it working the second time around, they'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Hyperempathy + no sense of self-worth because they attribute all of that self-worth to their success of completing the task they believe is their life's purpose is not a good combo for their own good, but it also makes them an absolute nightmare to anything that gets in the way of caring for those they consider their own

Fifth is canon imo and it is that they are stubborn to an extreme. Good fucking luck trying to change their mind because it's not going to work and the more you attempt it the more they dig in their heels. This is a trait that is inherent to the entire Pale Family and yes this drives Hornet absolutely insane because she's so used to being the stubbornest person she knows so dealing with her just as stubborn family makes everything Even Worse

[banes-favourite]

How often do you think Gortash got sick(as in caught a cold or flu or something) as a child? Did his parents treat him the same as they would any other day or were they a bit less harsh or even possibly more harsh on him when he was sick?

Do you think he ever had the misfortune of getting sick while in the House of Hope? I imagine there's also the possibility of him getting sick while in the House of Hope due to a wound getting infected while it was healing since the cells don't look like they'd be kept that clean

Also just as a bonus durgetash thing: Imagine Gortash getting sick during the time he was working with Durge, and Durge attempts to take care of him. Maybe even going as far as making him something like some sort of dwarf-meat stew to attempt to get him to eat(I specified dwarf meat because in-game it seems to be mentioned as Durge's favourite, and it's just kind of cute to imagine Durge trying to feed Gortash something made using their favourite food in order to make him feel better). No idea if Gortash would willingly eat it, but maybe Durge doesn't tell him what's in it until afterwards or he's either sick enough or feels so touched by the effort Durge put in that he eats it even if normally he wouldn't want to

(cw for injury)

Hmm I think he would have been a relatively sickly child tbh, and his parents would do the bare minimum to help just so they wouldn't lose the help around the shop. Once he gets older though, he learns not to bother them when it happens because all he'll get is yelled at for 'allowing himself to get sick in the first place' so he just learns to tough it out. It does strengthen his immune system tho.

But you're right, I imagine although they mostly inflicted brute force type abuse on him, there were quite a lot of open wounds on his body, especially his face. One of them was bound to get infected eventually because yeah I doubt the slaves' personal hygiene was a priority. I think he got sick from them like twice during his time there, the first time wasn't quite so bad, a cut on his cheek got infected and he was swollen like a squirrel for like a week. Thankfully he got over that one on his own.

But it's hard to imagine he was always lucky. I think the second time would have happened when he was around 13 and it got bad. Nubaldin thought it funny to test a new knife on him and he cut a pretty big gash on his leg. It definitely needed stitches so Gortash managed to do them himself with some rusty ass needle and thread he found and honestly if he hadn't, his muscles would have stretched out dangerously just from his walking around. Obviously though the wound got infected so badly that only a few days later he was feeling tired, throwing up, couldn't breathe or speak or get out of bed. He developed sepsis and spent like two full days unable to do anything but rot helplessly in his cell, skin pale as fuck, cold to the touch even if he was in literal Avernus, fighting for his very life. Honestly if Raphael hadn't found him and healed him, he would have died. (adding to his twisted view of his abuser bc he was soo grateful to him). After that he took extra care of his open wounds.

I love the durgetash idea, your brain is huge. Durge 100% would make him a dwarf soup just to laugh at his expression when he told him afterwards. Unfortunately for him, a very sick and tired-of-his-shit Gortash would just thank him and comment that it wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Then Durge would tell him to fuck off as he drapes a blanket over him and brings him a hot coffee and threatens to gut him if he doesn't get at least 7 hours of sleep.

[sillywormz]

I want a season 2 to scavenger's reign SO BADLY. I need to know more about the space cult. and I need one full episode at LEAST of the little baby levi plants. I want to know how levi feels about losing fiona. I want to watch azi happy!!!! I want to see Ursula as the leader more. does she struggle. does she ask for help. and most of all I want to see more creatures!!!!!! learn more about them!!! ah!!! I love this show!

SO DAMN TRUE ME TOO the space cult seems so badass and i'm so intrigued by their whole deal. like what's up with the skeleton and the bandages around their feet and stuff. it kinda seems like catholicism but more death/illness themed?? also ngl i want to see how kris behaves/reacts in a situation where she's desperate and has lost any power/leverage she has. i feel like she's someone who relies on bossing others around and them naturally falling into line with her commanding personality, but how will she cope with being around ppl who most likely don't give a fuck abt any of that? i want to know............

I ALSO NEED A FULL EPISODE OF THE BABY LEVI PLANTS THEY'RE SO CUTE i hope the one stuck with the space cultists is gonna be OK....... and yeah, i do wonder if the show will draw parallels between fiona and levi at all, now that levi is a "mother" in her own way like fiona was to her (the little plant babies i mean). idk how much she'd remember of fiona given that her memories/personality from before vesta seem to be somewhat hazy, though.

ABSOLUTELY NEED TO SEE AZI HAPPY she's been through so damn much i want her to have a break and just be happy with mia for a while at least. although it'll be interesting to see if her dynamic with mia is a little different now, bc azi has just had this kinda insane experience that mia might not be able to understand or relate to. but i hope that they're able to overcome it......... or that she kisses levi. either option is good lol. and yeah ursula is intelligent and competent but she doesn't necessarily strike me as someone who would usually be a leader under normal circumstances, and she was probably fully prepared for sam to take on that role without realising it'd have to be her. i think she'd be a good leader but will maybe find it rlly difficult and stressful. alternatively, she could rise to it and actually be really good at it! i feel like it could go either way

i'm rambling now lol but on a final note you are so right abt the creatures. as a biology and zoology nut i love the wildlife in scavengers reign and how genuinely alien and weird it is. i need to see more fucked up little thangs NOW!! i love how the show will just present the most weird crazy alien designs, often for just something like a 30 second long cameo as well. a lot of ppl have compared the show to a nature documentary and it definitely has that element to it sometimes. i need to see more of vesta and its creatures

[bubbleberryuniverse]

OKAY SOME OF YOU SEEMED INTERESTED IN TEMPORAL KO SO!!! EHEHE this is a shared/collab AU with @here-to-cause-suffering, we both made the AU together and are working on it together, it's both of our AU and doesn't belong to one of us more than the other!!!

ANYWAY IN SHORT THE AU IS LIKE... you know the song Time Machine by Miracle Musical, yeah? Alex and I's interpretation of the song is that the time machine breaks down while being used, between time and space. And the person is stuck in the space between time and space for eternity. And I fixated on this song so hard I noclipped through multiple walls to make this AU with Alex /j

OKAY SO IN VERY SIMPLE EXPLAINATIONS... KO is in a time machine. Dendy made it— reasons why are still pending! But the whole thing is that, yk, the time machine breaks down between time and space, and KO freaks out and brute forces his way out of the time machine and into the space between space and time and he gets Fucked Up Badly. And they can time travel! :)

He doesn't have a specific look to him— he's merged, yeah— BUT he looks like he does in the reference of him most of the time, because he has some degree of control over how he looks/what he looks like. There isn't a "true look" or "true form" to them, though— they can be KO, TKO, PKO, MKO, he can be ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, something and nothing— every age and no age simultaneously (will talk abt this!) he just simply is. He is as he was, and he was as he is.

When traveling between space and time/when they're in between space and time, he's all over the place in very many senses of the word, because it doesn't rlly have control over/can't rlly consciously choose to look like how it wants. So! Fun!

Ehehee, they also don't have a specific age technically— he can appear as any age and be any age BUT BUT when talking about it casually he's 13-14 bc that's how old it was when this all happened + that's how old it is when just looking like how it defaults to, yk!

ALSO CANDY GORE. and rainbow vomit. ALSO ALSO its breath is almost constantly foggy... and its body is slowly slowly deteriorating and he's kinda slowly becoming something that CAN handle being between space and time.

Extra details... they're almost always in some form of pain 😭 Esp when their body decides to just glitch and turn into, idk, a chair or a loading symbol or its head becomes a PC blue screen... whatever you can even think of! It's all canon (within reason/this extends as far as we say it does /hj)

Also the half of his face with the hair covering his eye is his skull— and it's not visible underneath, y'know, his sweater n' stuff, but some of his ribs are exposed/visible too and a lot of his spine, as well! I have some silly concept whiteboard doodles to share sometime that I need to make good use of 😭 /hj

EHEHEHE please feel free to send me or Alex asks abt this, we'd love to talk about them!!! He's so neat and so cool ehehe... look at him, baby boy baby.

[karliahs]

for the character ask, midoriya and shinsou !!

thanks anon!!! two of my fave little guys....

midoriya:

favorite thing about them

it's that determination & kindness combo...i talked about this recently but i think the exact moment when i fell in love with this character was the sports festival todoroki fight where he uses his goddamn mouth to angle his shots because he's already broken all his fingers and couldn't snap them anymore. like...christ. this is what happens when you dial compassion & determination & resourcefulness all the way up to the point where it breaks the scale, but forget to put any self-worth in.

i love him. he fights so so hard all the time, and he does it because he cares so much. even about people who didn't ask for it. even about people who have hurt him very badly. it's insane (positive) to me that his defining moved-without-thinking saving someone moment was to save the person who literally that day told him he'd be better off dead. kindness!! determination!! beyond all fucking reason. we don't deserve this boy

least favorite thing about them:

hmmm...i do sometimes wish he were given more space to be a little imperfect. get a little mad. a little tired. but then i'm still very far behind in this show and look forward eagerly to the yellow scarf era of sadness for maybe providing this content. and it leaves a great space for hurt/comfort fic!

so i guess maybe it's that i get secondhand embarrassment very easily so he does ping this sometimes. i.e. i had to mute the scene where they're practicing hero interview skills lmao

favorite line

hrrrrr i cannot pick one. i love when he says that being a hero means meddling in things even when you aren't asked to, during the stain arc. love my little meddler who is so full of compassion and can't leave anything alone.

i am still thinking about the sports festival todoroki fight and i absolutely adore when he's like you haven't even put a scratch on me yet! bc all his wounds are...self-inflicted. he's fucking insane. imagine, your weird little classmate breaks all his bones at you and then brags about you haven't hurt him at all yet. i love that he gets kind of mean in this fight bc he is genuinely mad! that he has fought so so hard for this and todoroki is hamstringing himself! while also again being deeply motivated by compassion.

and last one i promise but i love when he says he wants to be strong enough so that no one will have to worry about him anymore. again the compassion of it all but also the...weird backdooring his way around having an actual sense of self-worth. just like yeah it does seem to upset people when i injure myself and put myself in deadly situations :/ guess i'd better cut that out...

brotp

gestures again to the number of aizawa & midoriya fics i've written...but also this boy is an unstoppable friendship machine and i love his dynamics with eri, the whole dekusquad, all might, mirio...never too many friends for my little guy

OTP

shindeku....again i enjoy them equally as a platonic dynamic but ahhh. i crave for these two to understand and support eachother like nothing else.

i do also enjoy tododeku tho that one suffers a bit from fandom oversaturation for me

nOTP

sorry bakudeku enjoyers, you're valid but i can't engage with it

random headcanon

hmmm...i think after he gets into UA he doesn't have time to keep up with his normal fanboy activities anymore, hero forums and online analyst youtubers etc, but every so often he'll stay up way way too late and have a deep dive into all the stuff he's missed. and it's kind of a weird bittersweet nostalgia thing, bc that was such an unhappy time but this was the one thing that could always make him light up, and now he's always weeks behind on stuff that used to be his whole world, but also he's seeing news and analysis about heroes who are now his teachers and sometimes his colleagues. taking these moments to once again look at the world he's belonging to more and more every day from the outside...and then the next morning everyone is like goddamn midoriya you look like death, please sleep!!!

unpopular opinion

hmmmmm i fairly often see him written as swearing a lot in his own head or too quietly for anyone to hear, and i just don't see it. i think he's too polite even when no one is watching. i think he says one fuck per quarter and it's deeply, deeply, impactful and also a tiny part of his brain still worries his mom is disappointed in him every time

i also don't think he has physical scars from his bullying era for numerous reasons but this is already way too long to ramble about all of those

song i associate with them

many determination songs ping as izuku to me, a key one being i'm gonna win by rob cantor

favorite picture of them

this habken art, specifically his big beautiful smiles on the 2nd and 4th pages...i love he!!!

shinsou under the cut. sorry shinsou. i'm too verbose to live

shinsou:

favorite thing about them:

it's determination again but this time the bitter flavour of determination. i think he makes such a fun character foil to mido partly because there's this anger there that we never really see izuku express. i love that he does wild shit like openly challenging the entire hero course in a corridor, both because provoking people helps his quirk so he's smartly laying the groundwork, but also because he's mad!! he's been overlooked and maligned and passed over and he's angry.

and i love that the bitterness seems to ease a bit once someone takes a chance on him and once he sees that everyone else, even these chosen hero students, are working incredibly hard also. and then you just get that incredible determination - i love all the lines in the joint training arc when he talks about how he's not going to stop until he catches up.

least favorite thing

give my boy screentime...please, please, please. on the one hand it's important to his character that he was excluded from this space but also i would have killed for him in class A earlier. the shinsou content drought oppressed Me Personally

favorite line

"You can't help the things you long for."

it's just so...like how limitations can be really good for art, i think sometimes when you tell a story faster you tell it better. and this is just such a simple encapsulation of that thing both midoriya & shinsou go through where all they want is a place in this world that has decided they don't belong there. and whenever i think of it i see that little cherry blossom petal floating through the air...those couple of eps that establish shinsou as a character were just so fucking good

broTP

the aizawa mentorship and comparisons between young aizawa and shinsou is everything to me. also him with class A in general bc it's so cute to me how much they all immediately like him and want him to be their friend. it's what he deserves!!

OTP

once again gently cradling shindeku in my arms

nOTP

don't have one!

random headcanon

i see him as a big reader! like he's a serious studious little guy, there's that line in the light novels about how he basically studies all weekend, and i think reading is one of those hobbies where it kind of feels productive enough that he can let himself do something relaxing for once. and i can so easily see him as one of those kids reading under the covers way way too late. plus i think he would enjoy the escapism...idk why but he pings me as a sci-fi enjoyer specifically

unpopular opinion

hmmmm i don't know if i have one? shinsou enjoyers produce so many excellent varied shinsous. i do read him i think as a little more serious/less jokey and relaxed than a lot of fanon shinsous, but that's partly bc many of those i think were produced before joint training arc was a thing, and also it's contextual - in an environment where he feels accepted and has chilled out a bit i could see him as an absolute menace

song i associate with them

i have no shinsou songs!! if you do please give them to me

favorite picture of them

this art is so so beautiful to me...the expression, the flowers, the tattoo. canon suffers from horrible lack of shinsous, but there is so so much good shinsou art to bless us at least

[tori-artemis]

I don't usually make posts when I'm upset about something (or like, at all) but honestly I'm just. Really sick of the Loki fandom as a whole. Like I'm just tired of all the pettiness and bullshit. And tbh it's on both ends of the Loki series/Ragnarok split. Both pros and antis.

This isn't so much a vague post as it's a vent post for me. You see, I've been having these feelings about the Loki fandom overall for months now, and I've seen certain posts from the positive side where I just want to - jump in and say something, or at least speak for myself as an ""anti"" (hate that word btw) bc the amount of generalizing I've seen that goes on over there wrt ppl who dislike the show is just - well it's fucking frustrating. Like it annoys me bc I've heard every dumb overgeneralization since the show first came out, from not wanting Loki to move on bc we're oh-so-traumatized to we're just bitter bc the show didn't go the way we wanted/our hcs of Loki weren't validated, etc.

I think one that annoyed me the most was the claim that ppl who hate/dislike Sylvie as a character do so out of misogyny. And like - maybe there's some truth there wrt how the character/actress tend to be bombarded with gendered slurs, and yes that's not cool, but I've never referred to Sylvie or Sophia as any slur. (In fact I don't even hate Sylvie - what I do hate is how the writers have set her up as a "superior" contrast to Loki, which to me seems very intentional on their part, particularly wrt the Trauma Olympics™ as in "Sylvie had it so much harder" 🙄 - but I digress). Yet I can't help but feel like I'm being lumped in the "antis are misogynists" bin every time I read any of those posts from the pro side, simply bc I dislike the way a character was utilized. The way those posts are written, the way they sound - it's very black and white, overgeneralizing an entire group of fans, there's no nuance or side notes or disclaimers of "hey - I know not all of y'all are like this, this is just about some I've encountered" - not even in the tags, nothing. And I've just wanted so badly to jump in and say: "hey, anti here and I'm not like that" but I refrain, bc I've grown so tired of all the fandom infighting and discourse that I usually don't have the energy to get into it. So when I see someone from that side of fandom jump on a post and say how they dislike being overgeneralized as a fan, and how they feel like they're being misrepresented, or condescended to... I can't help but feel kinda upset by that, ngl. Part of me just wants to say "yes it sucks, but recognize that your side (if not you yourself) does it too. Some of you folks do it too."

Like I've read posts implying/stating that antis who hate the show lack critical thinking skills - and like, look, there might be a bit of truth wrt, say, calling Sylvie an outright abuser (and even I've been a little guilty of agreeing to view her as a person with toxic traits as opposed to the enemy-to-lovers trope she clearly falls into - tho I still can't really fault myself for not being able to take that romance seriously due to how damn rushed and forced it felt - but that's besides the point). But there's just something about the way a lot of these posts are worded, like yes some posts are pretty reasonable, but others are practically dripping with condescending sentiment (for lack of better words) as if we're fucking stupid for having emotional reactions to media as opposed to critical reactions, when isn't that the point of media and art, to illicit emotions? Like yes, the story might be trying to say something (and it might epically fail in doing so, which is how I view the show overall) but it's also meant to move ppl. And if it fails to do so, or it garners an unintended reaction, or the characterization is too inconsistent or the story telling itself is rushed/filled with inconsistencies then can you really blame fans for, well, being blindsided by disappointment/their emotions as opposed to critically analyzing it? And yes I know this is a matter of opinion, but still.

(Like sometimes a story can be extremely well written overall, and very well thought out and fans will just be oblivious to, choose to ignore or even outright refuse to pick up on the symbolism within a story, or the internal motivations/conflicts within a character, or how a character progresses/character arcs in general. Sometimes fans will even completely and intentionally misread a character in their entirety, and the role they play within a story, no matter how skilled and how excellent the writing is within a piece of art. And sometimes fans will just overall fail to realize the major themes/hints that a writer carefully lays out. Yes this is a thing, and one I've been made aware of in the particular fandom that I'm about to join.)

But then there's stories that are just... lazily/half-heartedly written at best, and so I just don't understand where pro stans get off by being condescending to ppl like me who just couldn't be immersed due to all those flaws in storytelling. Especially when I didn't get enough out of it to even see where a lot of these conclusions fans seem to have drawn from it. Like there are some inconsistencies within the story itself, there are things that just don't make a whole lot of sense, there are many contradictions, I didn't just make them up. And again I know, everyone interprets media differently, but I don't really see what a lot of pro fans have taken from the series, bc I personally don't think its there. And I really don't appreciate being thought of as some kind of imbecile for not "getting it" when the media in question is, objectively... not all that great tbh. And I'm being absolutely neutral when I say that, like I'm literally not even hating here.

And like I could've easily have turned around and made a bunch of posts stating how pro fans are "stupid" for putting so much thought into a piece of media I personally find to be stupid or just lacking in general, but I haven't. Bc one: that's a shitty thing to do to ppl, and two: it wouldn't even be true bc so many ppl who I consider very intelligent have enjoyed this show, and do put a lot of thought into analyzing it, so despite me not really seeing where they're coming from I want to respect that. And look, it's not like I haven't had those presumptuous thoughts or knee jerk reactions, bc yeah I am in an echo chamber too, and I'm no saint - I'm definitely human and I've had some overgeneralized, uncharitable takes. But I recognize this about myself, I don't post that shit. Which is why I get so upset when I see so many other fans do just that.

Also there is a definite misuse of the depiction of torture, which is used to convey certain themes, and that's very unfortunate, and IMO very bad writing/storytelling. I probably would've been a little more charitable towards the series overall if the Sif-beatdown timeloop scene had been scrapped altogether like the writers seriously should've considered doing (due to the fact that torture has so many misconceptions and is grossly excused in the majority of media which has unfortunate real world consequences) and instead focus more on Loki confronting his fear of being alone, if that truly is what the intention for that scene was. Like yes, some antis might go overboard wrt the messaging within the show, but when it comes to things like the atrocious time loop scene... that's not a made up thing we just happen to pull out of nowhere, that's something the writers put in there and therefore, yeah that's pretty fucked.

Then on the other side I'll find myself liking a post from a negative series fan bc I'll agree with the overall sentiment of it, only to unlike it right after reading the tags bc they've said something like "ppl who like this show/movie/etc are stupid" or "if you ever defended or even enjoyed TR fuck you" - and like??? WTF. I understand disliking the show or whatever but why the hell would you brush over an entire group of real, actual people as "idiots" for simply liking a piece of media??? Like - do I think the show was a disjointed mess? Yeah, I do. Do I think it was poorly written? Yes. Do I even think the reasoning behind a lot of these writing decisions was really fucking stupid on the creators part (or at the very least, that they failed to convey their ideas clearly)? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean anyone who's ever enjoyed the show is stupid for doing so, and I say this as someone who does have the knee-jerk reaction to go "how could you like that show, it sucked so much!"

But like, at the end of the day I understand that ppl take different things out of media. And just bc you find something so stupid or unwatchable, doesn't mean others will, and that's okay bc ppl are different and have different tastes and IDK how ppl don't fucking get that??? Like why is this even a hot take when it's literally just a fact???

It's shit like this that makes me feel like leaving the fandom all together. Which I don't really want to do, bc despite everything wrong with fandom and despite my own personal disappointment with the latest Loki/Thor franchise installments I still really love Loki as a character, and I still want to write fic revolving him. I even still want to make friends within the Loki fandom bc that's literally why I created this blog in the first place, to befriend other Loki fans, like I could've easily stayed being a lurker within the fandom but regardless I think at this point it's farfetched to want this bc the fandom's just way too split and way too hostile and way too fucking eager to be uncharitable and condescending af. And I'm just tired. I'm just... really really tired of the pettiness, the condescending attitude a lot of fans seem to fucking have for anyone who might think differently from them.

I'm tired of the gatekeeping - on both sides. It's on both sides. Because saying "real Loki fans would never like/defend TR/the show" and "how anyone can claim to be a Loki fan if they hate him/his own show" aren't so far apart from each other, both sentiments basically say the same thing, just from polarized viewpoints.

And I wish more fans would just recognize that.

[lil-cherubb]

hello my dear crochet mutual! i am curious now. what are you crocheting for the holidays??

i myself have a few family/friends' birthdays coming up in november so i have a few crochet/knit projects on the go for that. im in my 1st of 6 weeks of midterm hell, so i've started extra early in hopes of having a surplus of time to finish them all!

for my sibling's birthday i am fucking around and finding out in an attempt at knitting a tank top in colours she likes.

for my friend's birthday, im crocheting her a bag that looks like a boob!! i've been powering through it lately and im very proud of it. also i think it's fucking hilarious :^) (not to like honk my own horn or anything) as a boob enjoyer tho, i figure my friend will love it.

and then i am additionally fucking around and finding out in attempting to knit a scarf for one of the indigenous elders in residence at my university. she also knits and she's just so lovely and kind and so i really wanted to make something for her. plus, from what i've heard it seems to be a local indigenous custom to give something away when you make it for the first time to invite abundance back in to yourself and your family. the two knit projects i have going on are my first knitting projects ever, hence the amount of fucking around and finding out lol! also i am allergic to not throwing myself into hobbies and going big or going home, which is how i've ended up with two knitting projects at once. if i had more needles i would probably do more lmao.

so far i've found i really prefer knitting in the round and using circular needles in general. also knitting hurts my hands less (but differently) than crochet! so that's a win ig lol

excited to hear what you're making 👀 !!

i would say sorry for going off but i am not i love opportunities to talk about fiber arts <333

Hello crochet mutual!!!!

I completely get starting early bc of school lol, that's exactly what I'm doing. Normally you start early anyways (you always underestimate how much time a project will take you, trust me) but with school you REALLY need extra time. I'm only in high school still but its hell for me as well lol.

I do find it quite worrying though that for your first two knitting projects you are really just jumping in the deep end lmao, I can't believe you're trying to knit a tank top first go. I've been knitting since I was 5 and I still don't even feel like I'm skilled enough lol! But that's just me. I'd love to see any pictures of your projects so far if you're comfortable sharing!! A boob bag is hilarious and I bet your friend will love it :)

A scarf however is not that bad, unless you're really trying to go fancy with stitches or with color changes (or both 💀). I'd love to see a picture of this especially, I don't really have a reason lol I just rlly want to see it

Personally, I prefer knitting with regular needles (see: me knitting a blanket on regular needles rather than circular ones...). Its just what I've known for longer so I guess I'm more comfortable like that. Circular needles are great thought don't get me wrong

Knitting and crocheting do hurt your hands very differently! It depends on the techniques you use and the way you hold things but they do. I do old English knitting, which hurts my wrists very badly after a long time of working. I hold my crochet hook like a knife (in my hand/hand wrapped around the handle) which also hurts my wrists but it does hurt my fingers more bc I'm using them more.

Never apologize for going off!! especially when talking to me I'm literally desperate to talk to anyone other than my mom and grandma about fiber arts so talk away friend!

(now for the part you probably actually wanted to hear about lol....)

I'm only going to share the one project I've already made, as I have a lot to say about him.

this little guy!! (Free pattern)

This is an adorable pattern! the bottom was a challenge, she decreases so quickly there were massive holes in the bottom which I did not enjoy. Instead of following the rounds for the bottom I did the following (starting directly after round 26 with no alterations made to that round):

Rnd 27: SC evenly around (48 sts total)

Rnd 28: [SC 6, decrease] 6 times (42 sts total)

Rnd 29: SC evenly around (42 sts total)

Rnd 30: [SC 5, decrease] 6 times (36 sts total)

Rnd 31: [SC 4, decrease] 6 times (30 sts total)

Rnd 32: [SC 3, decrease] 6 times (24 sts total)

Rnd 33: [SC 2, decrease] 6 times (18 sts total)

Rnd 34: [SC 1, decrease] 6 times (12 sts total)

Break yarn and weave in end. Yes there is still a massive hole.

Make a magic ring with 6 SC inside. Increase in every stitch until 12. Then 1sc, increase. Repeat until 18. Then 2sc, inscrease. repeat until 24 sts. End.

I then sewed this into the remaining massive hole in the bottom to finish off.

This was much more complicated than it had to be, and I kinda regret doing it. When I make this pattern again (I know I will lol, I just love it too much) I will just do rnd 26, then SC evenly around, and then make another magic ring and increase that until size matches the leftover hole and sew that on.

Honestly, I love the little guy I made, but I am a bit disappointed? The snout is off center and so is one of his legs. The bobble stitches on the back are not evenly spaced (which nags the hell out of me!!) and the bottom, as I already said, was just Not It. The whole point of decreasing so quickly in the original pattern is so that it'll sit flat. Mine is left with a big bump that just looks a little odd.

And just to be clear, I'm pretty sure all of these things are my fault (bottom is definitely my fault!) other than the uneven spacing of the bobble stitches. Its not the amount of stiches between but the number of rounds. The first bobble stitch round (rnd 16) is worked and then there is a round of SC (rnd 17) between it and the middle bobble stitches. The middle ones and the bottom ones however don't have a round between them (Rnds 18 & 19).

Anyways, here's pictures:

I love him sm but I think I'm gonna frog him and redo it all up to his eyes (and add some stuff, like another round between those damned bobble stitches). Also ignore how he's propped up against a bunch of stuffing 💀

Anyways! That's my own fucking around and finding out adventure! I will make sure to tell you all about the other things I'm making (expect an ask me from soon lol) and how this little guy turns out (if/when I redo him) :D this reply is too long lmao

[nakanotamu]

The read more is just bc I'm thinking out loud about wrestling stuff that's been on my mind/bothering me and I figure this might end up being long edit nvm it ended being about the usual depression stuff too lol

I think part of my issue as far as burnout is that I can't figure out where the line is supposed to be for work that you want to be done that no one else will do vs when you do not want to do the work any more. Like I do a lot of stats tracking for wrestling shows that I've done for a while now purely bc I had a lot of fun doing it and found it interesting. But I've sort of reached a point with it where I don't really think I'm learning anything particularly new or interesting with it but I realized it is taking a fair bit of time, so while it's hard to break the habit of doing it for every show it makes sense to drop it at this point, or at least cut back.

Then there's the stuff I actually worked on, like translations primarily and stuff like that. I'm behind back to stuff that happened in May, and I'd been thinking of it as a backlog, but just deciding to not do any of it does have an appeal. If it sucks hit da bricks. I know I have no real obligation here, but I don't know, thinking about totally dropping this stuff does hurt. On the one hand, I was genuinely very desperate to try and find some way to turn some part of this into actual paid work, to the point where I did way too much of it on top of my actual job and life and the stuff I wish I did have the option of just dropping and ended up having a pretty bad breakdown. So just not working on it at all any more is depressing, an acceptance that I failed and I'm still stuck exactly where I was a little over two years ago and nothing has changed at all. Maybe even worse bc when I started I was still working from home.

On the other hand I also feel bad leaving people who genuinely enjoyed my work out in the cold. I met some really great people thanks to it and had some really good conversations and stuff. But I also kind of hated the twitter clout because it's a lot of nice words that doesn't actually count for anything or do anything, and on top of that for every person who really seemed to get where I was coming from it felt like there were 5 more who claimed to appreciate my work who didn't get it at all. And that wears me down probably more than it should.

I'm a big believer that in any sort of work like that you shouldn't do it for an audience you may or may not even have or keep, you should do it because you want to do it and if people show up for it then that's on them. But I don't really know how to put it aside when it is still something I want to do but I don't know if I can. Even just things like reading comments on my own or watching shows feel like such an unbelievable timesink and I don't know if I have the energy or the mental health to keep it up even for myself. But I don't want to give these things up either. So I'm just. Stuck suffering in both directions.

And then on top of that there's all the feelings of disconnect and isolation that I've been struggling with for quite a while now. I mean like beyond the general ones every day like the wrestling specific ones. Reading and translating comments and press conferences and everything began as a way to feel closer, I think, to the wrestling I love so much. I think part of what fucked me up so badly when Unagi left was that it made clear how much that had not happened. Sure you can see the signs of her farewell tour in hindsight, but at the time I hadn't seen it coming in the slightest. No matter how well I understood these characters, no matter how much, even correct, insight I had into every word choice they made and every emotional beat of every story they told, I still don't know them, I'm not a part of this.

And beyond that, would I even want a part of it if I could have one? If I had some sort of magic golden opportunity to be part of the joshi scene right now, would I even want to see behind the curtain? What if I really am just a delusional himejoshi and it ruins everything I love about it? Would there even be a space for me there, what if I were just rejected? None of which matters because I still have no connection to it in the slightest, I've never even been to Japan and my current savings are supposed to be for computer upgrades so who the fuck knows when even that much might be an option.

I just. I feel so lost, and stuck. I don't know what to drop and what to keep working on but I don't know how to keep working on any of it in the first place. I can barely even make it through a single match without getting endlessly distracted these days, even when I WANT to watch it, even when I'm actively enjoying it! I want to drop everything in my entire life except for this but this also takes energy I don't have and feels like the only thing I actually can drop. This thing I love so much and have no attachment to whatsoever, that might not even want me if that was an option to begin with. I need to change something about my habits or my workflow or my life or something, anything, and I can't. I can't do any of it

[burinazar]

Thinking about the aspect of -- masking, I guess? I don't know what it is; every human does it to some extent -- that leads one to manifest the behaviors expected of them, beyond the normal parameters of code switching, and then lock themselves into this role even when it's constricting.

I was deeply affected by "Hatchling", the short story by Sayaka Murata that was at the tail end of her collection I recently read, wherein the protagonist involuntarily manifested the kind of traits assigned to her by other people. when i notice this behavior in myself i don't know how to parse it because it's so often framed as something done by people who are very manipulative or very socially aware or interested in impressing and tricking others and i am none of these things lol I think I'm actually incapable of deceiving people about myself on purpose -- but given i was reading the collection thru the lense of being relatable to people who Have the Neuron Divergence it felt like this huge breath of fresh air to have it be seen as part and parcel of just Masking or otherwise A Thing some of us weirdoes end up doing without having set out to do so, just as part of navigating the world.

Unlike the moderately uplifting ending of most of the other stories in the collection this one has a haunting ending where the protagonist ends up locked into playing a role with her partner that she did not want to play forever. It was really disturbing. My mental health has been doing badly lately (like so bad. worst since early 2022) and I keep feeling like I can't reach out to anyone (or, if I reach out to my parents in particular, it'll be doing so coming from the place of a crawling baby and not a mature adult dealing with problems) and having this story in the back of my mind made me examine how this is related to that and how much this gets in the way of things for me in general when those things are 'admitting there is a problem' and there seems to be no space to do so in the interactions people are expecting to have with me, the flow of which I am powerless to go against.

I myself definitely have, like, a prevailing personality in a way that's more overly manifest than the protag so I don't have the same problem she has but lately it's really grated on me how much I do this and how it's a barrier to being vulnerable or asking for help or being honest with others about how poorly I'm doing in certain respects.

I am unpicking how this overlaps with the 'super duper bad undiagnosed ADD -- > total divebombing of performance after leaving structured settings' thing because people's expectations are also a sort of structured setting. And my expectations for myself are too nonexistent to be used as one. (This, combined with the immovable conviction I'm not qualified for xyz things and deep horror of trying to feel i Belong in stem settings, all makes it really fucking hard to put effort into seeking a new career lol)

Mm not sure where I was going with this all tbh. However, maybe semi related: I'm giving myself permission to be worse and more cantankerous in internet and text contexts and also to start posting about difficulties and mental health type stuff again.

By the way this is one of the biggest reasons I've said I find Anthy relatable? Which people do not like to hear me say I've found lol (I'm thinking bc their understanding of me as a person is very counter to their understand of Anthy!) It's because (among other things -- this isn't the only reason) even though she definitely has A Personality of her own so much of her inclination in how she conducts herself is pouring herself into the container people hold out for her.

ok that's the post

[xythlia]

a point of frustration w my bf is his adhd seems to manifest most often as being unable to do basic domestic things, not putting trash in the trashcan because it's easier to just set it on a table & forget it. not putting clothes in the basket bc it's easier to just strip & leave them in a pile on the floor. not taking five seconds to put toilet paper on the roller bc it's easier to just sit it in top of the roller. my frustration comes bc it feels like I'd be an asshole to harp on him when I already know these things are difficult bc of his adhd but then again I've already modified most of these things to be the easier choice. like putting a little tash can literally right beside his bed. putting the clothes basket right where he usually strips & leaves clothes on the floor. getting one of those tp holders that u literally just stack the shit inside & it feeds out the top. and yet somehow it's still an issue. I hate going to his apartment bc I swear the only thing I do there is fucking clean like im maid. I don't even get to like spend time with him really bc im picking up like two weeks worth of fucking abandoned garbage & clothes. It's just so hard to know how much is legitimately from the adhd & how much of it is weaponized incompetence so I don't say anything bc I don't want to be the kind of person who makes someone else feel bad for having a hard time just because our brains work differently. It's just like ive already done the gently talking about it strategy over & over again but seen zero change or effort & im getting really fucking fed up with it but then I feel bad bc it's not like he's an asshole or treats me badly in fact he does get very apologetic & helps me clean stuff up but it's a broken record atp bc I swear we do this routine every two weeks when I go to see if he's made any effort to make the little changes we've talked to death about & it's the big reason I don't want him to move in with me bc I wouldn't be able to handle mess making 24/7 bc ik it would always fall to me to clean it otherwise my house would become a fucking landfill

[grapecaseschoices]

2, 3, 5, 6, 15 for val/adam

your bias is showing ;-P (jk i know who really are your faves)

2. At this point, does your detective feel as though their walls will eventually tear down in time, or have they given up that will ever happen?

Val is leaning toward the second, though a part of them is lowkey hopeful. Going to show how Adam has them sprung bc Val isn't often one to be hopeful -- especially for good things happening to them (lowkey or otherwise). I think at the end of the day it doesn't matter, because they're on this roller coaster and as often as they say they're gonna get off they either don't or they get back on, so.

3. What do you think drew your detective to A? Did they use flirt options with that first gaze in the detective’s office, or did their attraction come later?

I can't remember. DID THEY? But no, attraction came later. And it was Adam - funnily enough - moments of NOT being judgmental. Val knows they're an acquired taste. And sometimes they act difficult on purpose. However, apparently they are a taste Adam is determined to acquire. He met them with understanding and compassion in more ways than they ever expected, and that definitely drew them in.

He also seemed to GET them and SEE them. And he treated them with respect. That's --- rare for them. So, yeah. As much as Adam drives them crazy, he has them hooked.

Also he's so hot when he crosses his arm and glares. They're but a smol littol detective. They're human. They have eyes.

5. Saying that A has the carnival picture, how do you think your detective will react once they find out they have it?

A mess? LMAO. It would be so surprising to them. That Adam would keep something like that -- Adam of all people (mostly because of Val's low self esteem and partially because of Adam's back of forthness). But it'd also be weird because they don't think anyone has or has wanted to collect memories of them -- so it'd be startling. They would try to deflect their vulnerability with bad jokes (which Adam would see past, and there would come the mess).

6. If your detective heard Sanja’s prophecy for A, how would they feel about it?

Panicked probably. Then upset/mad. The prophecy is daunting stuff and a lot of pressure -- but they'd be annoyed that Adam uses it as an excuse to play keep away (badly). And then miscontrue it as just that, an excuse. Because if he really believed in them, in Val as a person and them as a pair ... wouldn't he -- No big deal.

15. What is your detective’s relationship with Rebecca like? If they saw the conversation that she has with A before the end of Book 2, what would they think?

Who is Rebecca?

It is not good. It's mostly Val being sarcastic and lashing out. So, I feel they might be a bit touched but also like 'the fuck is you?' and make a comment about 'wow, did you google that mom moment? i didn't think you knew how to act like one'.

Wayhaven Route Questions!

[noahthepigeon]

Tfw you are feeling desperately lonely and isolated and only have tenuous connections to the world outside your bedroom bc your flavor of mental health problems manifest as agoraphobia rn and also you struggle to cope with the day to day realities of existence.

And you kind of hate yourself for that, even knowing you shouldn't.

You keep trying to escape from the pit of yourself.

You want more than anything not to drag anyone else into the dark with you. You know others are suffering (how can you still have so much pain, knowing the breadth of hurt there is to have?) (Easy, it's not a competition. Everyone is different, with weaknesses in different places.) (Vile creature) (You know that can't be true. You know people love you, and you know others loved you) (and we let them all down) (You're looking for reasons for pain. You are unwell, you were trained from childhood to perceive everything you did through a lense of deep, unrelenting shame. It makes your mind race to compensate, look to justify, struggle to understand, co-opts the curiosity and passion that are among your best features and uses the against yourself) (we are annoying and awkward and painfully, excruciatingly cringe, and we radiate our shame like a contagious plague, we infect others with it) (You have never tried to hurt people on purpose. You know that, even though you have been told over and over again that you must be malicious. Even though it's important to accept where you have caused pain, you know how different it feels the rare times you have felt actual malice, vs accidentally hurting someone) (why did we lose two families? Why are we a vagrant hermit, a witch, a ghost? We should do more. Be more. We have time. So much time. Why aren't we productive. Why can't we find a place.) You try so hard to be reasonable, to rewrite those poison little instincts we have, the ones that feel like Truth because they're pain and you were raised to believe that painful truth was the only meaningful truth. You try to grow kindness on poison soil. You know you need to put the roots in.

You can barely stand even saying that you value kindness, want to cultivate it, in a way that sounds like it might be bragging.

(It's not a sin to speak positively of oneself. It is healthy. It's normal.)

(How the fuck do we know it's true? How can we trust ourselves? When we forget the hurtful things we've done and neglect friends and say stupid things?)

(You're allowed to say stupid, awkward things. Everyone does.)

(When we do, it's poison. We're the worst. We're the ugliest. We are the most cringe, embarrassing, the scum of the earth. Even our mother said so. Now the person who helped us break away from her says we are the abuser, and shes probably right, because we know how poisonous this self hatred is and we've poisoned her)

(You grew apart. It was more than ten years. You met her before you were twenty and she was ten years older and you had a long distance relationship for over a decade. She was nearly thirty. You led different lives, in different countries. You changed, it was inevitable, and she didn't want the you of now, she wanted a glossy memory. So much happened. It was hard.)

(I was the black sheep of my given family and I became the odd man out of my chosen one.)

(I tried so hard to reassure myself and have faith in their feelings for me and they lied about them.)

(I asked so many times if I was pushing too hard, if they wanted space, and they were so offended when I seemed insecure about their love for me but then when I tried to express enthusiasm it was too much. I could feel how badly we were out of sync. I tried so many different ways to bridge the gap.)

(You have to ask for your needs to be met.)

(I don't even know what my needs could even be anymore.)

(is it even possible for me to find people who are like me? The ones who are most like me are probably holed up in corners just like I am.)

(it's been such a long time since someone touched me like they treasured me.)

[fruiteggsaladit]

I'm so invested in an annoyed Keiko. A fed-up Keiko. A genuinely angry and Pissed Off Keiko. I'm so resistant to her having friends among the Urameshi team bc I want her to have beef with them just so I can feel enriched by her rage!

Mostly I feel it's most logical if she's pissed at Kuwabara for something - they know of each other from school and know each other through Yusuke. The others she knows too little to have strong feelings about (she doesn't even remember getting assaulted and nearly made into a demon by Hiei!).

Him disrupting the wake could have had consequences! What if he managed to knock over the items on the altar? Or even knocked the box so badly that Yusuke's corpse fell out a little? Or what if this was upsetting to Atsuko and Keiko grew angry that he wasn't behaving well (while she was, and she was Yusuke's best and childhood friend.)

She could be pissed off about something "stupid", but I'm very fond of the concept of her being Pissed and Right For It! Especially fond of Kuwabara "All women are queens!!!!" Kazuma having constant interactions w a girl who does not make it a secret that she dislikes him and he can't even say she's wrong for it. He wants to make up for it! But Keiko won't let him because she's uninterested in that.

These started as tags but then it devolved into yyh alternate universes concept so I'm putting them into the main text here:

We need more aus goddamit! #5

Abstract:

Kurama and Keiko know each other before Kurama knows Yusuke through a study group that was a guise for group date possibilities but then turned into an actual study group.

Kurama would be next logical target of Keiko's ire if one was to be making something up, a studious person who goes to a human school in the human world and who she knows through Yusuke and Kuwabara. Do you get more upset if a walrus stole your grandfather clock or if a fairy did it?

She could be upset with him for being smarter than her, and this appearing to be an effortless intelligence. Big fish meets bigger fish in a new pond sort of feeling. Regardless if they both needed to study in academic matters to get the results they wanted, Kurama getting better grades if they had the opportunity to compare could be an easy sore spot for Keiko.

Maybe it could be an after-school inter-school study session.... Noting his good results, Keiko compliments him, and Kurama is being a touch too humble and polite for Keiko's liking, doing the "It's not much, not really" routine four rounds more than necessary, and things quickly devolving from there.

Sudden inspiration from Saiki K: what if Kurama purposefully got himself good-enough grades instead of perfect grades so as to seem more like an average human boy who doesn't want to rock the boat in any way. Oooh, this would definitely piss off Keiko if she ever got close enough to realise! She believes in effort! She would not like this, I think she'd understand if given an explanation and accept it, but she still would not like that. Growing up with Yusuke, her first instinct might even be that Kurama would be getting average grades on purpose for the kick of it.

Kurama would know she doesn't like him or bears some grudge against him, and I don't think he'd mind it very much, but he would be impressed (sweatdrop kind) that she can keep a straight face for the most part while studying with him and the others in the study group.

Surprisingly and somehow that's enough to create a genuine friendship between them, which is a strange but pleasant surprise to Yukimura "You're the only Real One here" Keiko and a balm to Kurama's "my mum is fucking dying" and Hiei's "I'm enslaving humanity and am not noticing you being uncomfortable with it as a half-human with human family".

Does he reach out to her when shit gets real? No, but he won't do that even with Shiori, his mum, or Maya, a presumably childhood friend whose memory pertains to Kurama he erases!!

Boy does it feel awkard though to see her in the Hiei-Yusuke confrontation though! And when Keiko eventually sees him again and can recognise him.

[heartate]

i just need to vent somewhere for a second where ppl unrelated won't see it bc i know they're tired of me lmao. feel free to ignore this i'm just sooooooo. augh. really long vent post tbh. i had a lot to say.

i didn't really talk about it publicly a lot, because it's like, it's not something i could really talk about publicly because it's like... what do you even say, you know. like. you spend so much time having feelings for someone to where you go "wow i'm in love with them" and they say "yeah i'm in love with you too and i'd like to live with you and shit someday" but like, refuse to put a label on it. like, this was a situationship going on from the end of may 2022 up until july 2023 so. lol. and like. it's been over three months now and i still don't know if i'm over the whole thing, but i think about it less and less now. i'm still irritated and annoyed and extremely hurt about the situation, because.

i was given excuse after excuse about why we couldn't just put a label on it and like, be "official" despite the fact that every single day it's "wow i love you SO much, i can't wait to have a life with you" you know. and it's like.

i had a bpd(tm) moment last november that really spiraled badly in december, but like got triggered in september, and when i start spiraling i spiral for months and it does not end, and i drop off the face of the earth (if anyone's reading this at all, i apologize for disappearing lmao). and this is heavily to do with why i just forgot about tumblr for like 2 years, because i busied myself with a man i really love(d?) and like. i don't fault him at all for being scared of committing, because i am too, and i don't fault him not even a LITTLE bit for being unequipped or shocked and scared and not able to deal with the magnitude of how depressed and anxious and paranoid i get when things get really bad for me. i don't mind that. but i spent so long trying to repair that wedge, but it was never the same, even if i got fooled for a few moments into thinking things were normal and okay.

and i'm that person who, if i feel like i'm being annoying or that i'm not wanted, i will shrink back and wait for the other person to reach out to me first for once, because if i feel like i'm the only one making the effort time and time again or if i keep getting plans flaked on or shafted even if i make them like days or a week or more in advance, i just fuck off and wait, because i don't want to be push and i just get so anxious and sad. so when he told me that he "felt the momentum drifting and that the interactions weren't as energetic" i just. i was really hurt. and i told him this, and i expressed that i pulled back because i just. was mirroring what i was getting while just waiting and dying for him to just give me a second of his time.

and he lied to me when he dumped me in july (while i was in japan visiting family and already not having a good time over there, mind you), and told me that he wanted to try "dating someone in town" when i confronted him about something a friend showed me. but, turns out it was just another girl long distance, who is also EST like i am, and his excuse to me for why we weren't working was the distance and that he now lived across the country instead of two states away, but was willing to go chase someone else in the same distance as me? and enough so to actually put a label on their relationship, and seemed so much more torn up over that not working out than he ever was about the prospect of losing me despite him telling me how much he loved and wanted me and wanted to have a life together.

there were a lot of principles that i compromised on and actually changed my mind about because of him, because i loved him enough. like. i never, ever, ever wanted kids in my life. i knew this since i was really young, and he was the same way, but then he mentioned it one day and idk if it was a joke but his answer was so serious so i thought about it and i was like, you know what? if it's with him, i'd want a family, and we'd be so fucking cute. so it's like. how do you do and say all of that to someone and just, throw that away for someone you barely knew in comparison to someone you've known and loved for years. it just. it made me feel so awful and just really? worthless? because i just. i loved him so much, and i still do, i think. i spent like. two months straight just. crying over him and just. he vented to me a few weeks ago about the situation and the things he told me, his gripes with his ex now, i was just sitting there like. the hurt you feel is the same i feel because i had to beg on my hands and knees for some of your time because i felt so ignored.

it's so awful because i was so sure about him. and what i felt was so genuine, and what i felt from him was so genuine and real. at least it was to me. maybe it wasn't. i don't know lmao. i have bpd so i just drink delulu juice and maybe i'm just delulu over all of it. it just really sucks lol. i just. it hurts to feel like i just got discarded like that, or that he'd tell me "you know i want to come see you" or that he "wouldn't be opposed to trying for real in the future" but i don't want to feel like a rebound or like i'm the second choice like i just. for once, would like to matter to someone as much as they matter to me. maybe i just am stupid and have awful fucking taste lmao because i clearly don't choose anyone who's good for me. what makes this hurt too is that he is truly just so amazing of a person and i just. i don't know lmao. and i told myself, i want to continue to make the effort to stay close to him in the event that maybe he does change his mind and realize hey, she's right there and has been all along and i've always loved her, but that's so stupid and pathetic lmao. i haven't spoken to him in nearly 2 weeks now because he just. never replied and i felt annoying and i keep waiting for him to talk to me first because it hurts to be the only one trying every single day but. idk. i think i give up because i really can't do this anymore lmao. i'm so tired and i'm tired of being hurt and sad over a man. idk why i keep ending up in these situations lol but it makes me feel so awful