#bc my brain treats it like a special interest

[lyriumsings]

.

[alaskan-wallflower]

i really hate when i latch onto adult figures in my life like they’re second parents to me and then i realise i’m never gonna see them again in a few years time

[lokilysolbitch]

wait okay so. if you stop viewing adhd as a focus issue and frame it as a internal dopamine functions aren't working issue. and if you need dopamine to do things. then. instead of thinking how can i make myself focus. you can just think how do i get external dopamine sources to make my brain machine go.

im not focusing because im not getting my internal reward im biologically supposed to get. that's why im unmotivated. i brush my teeth and i get no internal sense of satisfaction. so now i don't want to brush my teeth. if i'm not getting an internal sense of satisfaction for doing things then most tasks feel worthless. which can look like or turn into depression.

but then i find one source or one task with a bunch of dopamine like a certain fidget or hobby (recently it's been diamond painting for me) and suddenly im fine again because my brain is no longer starving. suddenly i can focus on my lectures playing in the background when im getting little hits of external dopamine from putting diamonds in the right spot. im getting the sense of satisfaction that everyone else was already getting.

or like. one day im trying to read a textbook and the words are just. not getting into my brain. so i give up and play genshin for a bit. i get dopamine in my brain. i turn back to the textbook. and suddenly. i can read again. i read for a few minutes and i'm not comprehending it anymore. i play genshin for a few minutes and then turn back to the textbook. and then i can read again. again.

people have already been saying this but it really clicked yesterday when i was trying to read a textbook for a class i love bc it's connected to a special interest but i didn't like the current chapter topic. so i wasn't getting any dopamine from the content. and of course i wasn't getting any dopamine from the act of completing the task of reading. and i was trying to think of ways i needed to multitask to focus. but i noticed i kept switching from tiktok to reading which helped. like id watch some tiktoks and there would be like a mental feeling of "okay we're at 100%" and is just toss my phone and start reading. like i didn't have to tear myself away from it.

i was literally feeding my brain. and just stopped once i got full. like putting gas in the car.

that's why i only use things if they have pretty colors or some sort of pleasing sensory input. that's where my dopamines coming from. that's why a sticker chart and playing music while brushing my teeth helped so much. to give me the sense of satisfaction i wasn't getting from my own brain.

that's why giving myself the rewards at the end of tasks didn't always work. you can't reward a car with gas if the tank is empty. i needed the dopamine to start the tasks, and more dopamine intermittently to continue longer tasks.

anyways. i'm gonna stop holding off from doing fun shit until after i finish tasks. bc in hindsight i always did better work when i put the fun stuff first. and i'm gonna stop wasting time waiting for my brain car to go when the tank was empty the whole time.

i left mid post for a little bit and came back and i didn't proofread this and it's also unfinished but i'm posting it now bc. i have DID i don't member exactly what i was tryna say. and personally i'm not reading all that.

TLDR: stop treating adhd like it's mainly a focus issue. treat it like dopamine is an external resource and it acts as gas for your brain car. how can i focus better❌ what satisfying thing can i do to help my brain initiate/focus on this task✅

[baalzebufo]

HIII. can i just say. absolutely ADORE your gravity falls stuff!! i'd love to hear more of your headcanons (especially abt gideon) (that's my SON)

yes yeeees i was part of the Original Wave of Gideon Enjoyers back when like, episode 4 aired and it was about ten blogs who didnt hate his guts. i mean, i still want to throw him out a window, but I also think he has really interesting character stuff going on that some people just didnt wanna look at bc they hated him! which like, fair, he's a villain, but that freaky little dude will always be one of MY faves, haha

this post got. very long im sorry I had to put a readmore here haha but I haven't had an excuse to infodump about this for ages so here's a couple Things I like Thinking About... also a doodle I did the other night to break up the wall of text below

ok ok to start i LOVE him so much as a foil to dipper (and to an extent ford too) as examples of what the journals/that kind of power and information can do to people. its why im so adamant that he does actually have albinism, even if its not Technically Canon. dipper and ford both have a like, 'physical oddity' about them (birthmark, sixth finger) i think it makes sense for gideons to be his albinism as something that set him apart. all three are 'weirdos', were ostracised to an extent by the world, had that longing for something special or important, and then found it. and its what they DO with that which sets them apart

especially as a foil to dipper like... from time to time in the show, he gets a bit gung-ho about abusing the journals power for his own gain. but he has friends and family to reign him back in. he has more of a moral compass about not wanting to hurt people, generally. dipper never became like gideon did

this is getting into headcanon territory here but, my general summary of gideons childhood is an isolated one. only child, fairly sheltered, had some medical complications early in life which led to a lot of time on his own in hospital, attended school briefly and was subjected to significant bullying. and without a real support network outside of his parents who were very doting to the point of spoiling him because hes their Little Miracle he wasnt exactly well-adjusted even as a kid

but basically, that kid ends up finding this journal and learns about spells and evil artifacts and suddenly he has the power to make people like him. not only that but Fear him. he goes from feeling powerless to an absolute ego-trip. and his only close relatives would never tell their little boy 'no' about something, so they're not disciplining him in any way. its a perfect storm for a disaster to happen

it stems from this childish desire to go 'look at me im important and special and everyone likes me' and hes become so embittered already by people being dicks that he doesnt care if he hurts people on the way

that only really changes when mabel shows up and is the first person in town to approach him from a like... normal level. shes nice to him but not in the overly-saccharine and doting way his fans are, just in the way a girl who wants to be friends is. she treats him normally and is nice and he thinks she's pretty and that ALSO becomes a perfect storm of 'well shes nice to me and i like her so i must be in love with her and she is with me!' and, of course. kid who has never heard the word No before. so the later rejection becomes a HUGE sticking point and grudge to the point of being flat-out murderous

later in life with a little Introspection i think he'd realize it was less love and more just. basically imprinting on the first person to be normal and kind at him in years

UM. I should wrap this up i have so much in my brain. gideon was one of my earliest roleplay muses i'd write and draw with my pals, so I subjected him to a LOT of personal characterization stuff and also making a thousand AUs for fun. (aus always come in two flavours either its 'im going to make you marginally more well-adjusted' or 'im going to make you so, SO much worse')

ive got a soft spot for con-men and fake psychics and generally shitty little weasels and gideon just stormed into the show being a jerk with an aesthetic i adore and i was like ahhh. i want to punt him. hes my favourite.

ok im going to shut up now. last minute headcanon. gideon got into wood carving in prison art therapy because using a knife to stab something in a non-murder way helps soothe his urges. he whittles little people figurines

✨

[lokorum]

Pls rant about non romance cole…he’s my favorite character in anything, ever and it feels so sad that we never got to have a deeper relationship w him. Like the mechanics/possible lore of having a romance with a spirit are so tantalizingly interesting but no…also doubting we will see him in veil guard which leaves me so so broken …

*looks at their pile of unpacked feelings about cole*

so ૮( ◡̀_◡́)ა where to start....................

first of all uh! im not good at talking! that's why i draw phphp but i'll try my best to resurrect my memories from 2014 and share it with you!! sorry if it will sound weird, english is not my native language! 

well WELL from the begining then. i remember spending hours  more like days hhhh thinking about how weird and cool the recruiting scene with cole is? later when he is already with the inquisition, our party is either on guard around him or kinda treats him like he is helpless and needs special attention or guidance or something like that? demonising someone like him or framing them as in need of help are like textbook behavior ofc and im not here to be a hater, i just noticed it? moments with solas and varric fighting over him like a divorced couple are super cute for sure!!

but i remember being confused because excuse me, out of all of them, this guy??, this feral bat that is chilling on the ceiling like it's a lounge-zone inside Lucius' head, created especially for him?

he is confident. also a little bit nervous, a bunch mysterious and just ghostly cool. but also confident. (im not saying this confidence is not misplaced sometimes btw x) he even tells you that if you'll leave your head you'll die! what a jokester (҂ ꒦ິヮ꒦ິ)

and the whole quest with templars and envy are soooo horror coded, i love it!! it looked a bit silly, sure

(even after so many years im not able to get rid of the image in my brain phphphp) 

but it's still a very interesting quest!! dorian is ✨the bestie✨ but i'm always picking templars bc the implications of the story are just so good

1. its placed at the beginning of the game and your character is probably confused and anxious and dont yet worked out the routine of how to deal with their new title\powers + not every inquisitor character would want to be in the spotlight.

imagine you suddenly got yourself into position where a lot of people looking up to you, listening to what you saying, placing their hopes on you or waiting for you to fail? this is terrible! id 1000% just jumped out of a cliff!!! a small one, but still 

2. you meeting the guy who basically came from a place you now have unlimited access to.

he is: a) almost as confused as you are b) possibly came to this world without knowing consequences of that decision c) along the way he is figuring out how to be himself in the environment that is nothing like where he used to live. wow thats just like forced immigration *nervous laugh*

3. and let's not forget that you are meeting him inside your head and you can say to him "you look familiar".

dont know about you but apparently i dont need much to start screaming ¯(ツ)/¯

also can i just spend the moment to say that this is three (3) identical dialogue options??????????

the screenshot is from here btw

how awesome would it be to be able to figure out stuff together? to find comfort in someone, with someone who barely experienced it this way? to build on your strong sides? like "hope" for cole and i guess "unhingedness" for the inquisitor? i bet they would ground each other easily as well: cole distracting inq by being unintentionally mischievous and inq would have a notepad with cole's "firsts ____" or they would just read together. oh im such a sucker for hurt\comfort\some things cant be healed stuff uaaaaaaaaa

ALSO THE "FORGET" THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the drama the horror the tension!!!!!!!! you can fight me over this but heres the thought:

cole being so stressed that he is erasing\being on the edge of erasing the inquisitor's memories??????

i got the feeling that cole's confidence in the concept of "help" is, among other things, makes him being able to zoom in on something borderline obsessively? or vise versa - dismissively, not noticing "it hurts, its not for the better"? he thanks you when you promise to kill him, he cries when you do not. i swear this man (─ ‿ ─)

+quick addition bc im not entirely sure: so if i got it right, the anchor makes the inquisitor "too bright" to read? so among all the people we know about inq is the one that cole can't truly empathise on this lvl? on spiritual lvl you might say lsdkjflksdjflkj sorry!!!!! but jokes aside,this is like the perfect ground to build both comforting stories 

"someone from the party notices that cole is hanging near inq before inq do, and when asked he explains it by saying something like "dry warm skin. the air is stilled with quiet, easy to breathe. i followed the shining whispers and then i was followed no more" with the most plain face possible? "

and "today for lunch i have glass" kind of stories, like "the inquisitor is cornered and possibly bleeding and probably on the verge of passing out and they know that situation is bad and no one should follow/find them, "it's better to wait it out and deal with it on my own" kind of clown behavior. so they laugh tiredly at how pathetic they are, maybe remembering something similar from their childhood, remarks from their sibling for ex., and just trying their best to not think about how they need cole's help, cole's presence. the sense of safety that comes when he is around" 

uh!!! that wasnt neither quick or painless so i'll go make a tea wait a second please

im back!! so since i talked about the forget thing i must confess - i dont really like cole's personal quest???? again, im not complaining or anything but i remember feeling kinda empty while playing it? like deep inside me, there was something sad, but it was so far away,i coudn't even feel it properly?

both human and spirit versions of his ending made me feel like the distance between you and him lengthened, and maybe you could do something about it before but now? this "something" is missing and you're lost and can't even tell for sure if theres was a chance to do something in the first place? and cole just moved on? its super logical considering he is not a romance option but phphph so, i rarely romance someone in games, partly bc rpg tends to be a little horny and im that kind of ace who is not interested in this, partly bc i tend to pay attention to non-romanceable characters, so when i started to explore last da:i dlc and i saw cole having gf i was like "well ouch".

imagine your inq has a crush on cole but they never were able to say it clearly?

mb it was a melancholic slowburn, and your character was going through too much and felt like burdening cole with their problems would be unfair?

maybe they tried but the timing was wrong, the words felt stupid, and their hands felt too dirty, too guilty?

oh anon its been ten years and its still huuuuuurts!!!! if you following me for a while you know that im an edge lord in poor disguise so its not surprising for neither you or me that i ended up rumbling about inexplicable sadness and crushing existential guilt, but sorry for that anyway!! if anyone would want me to talk about something specific, or to draw something - im here, staring at the wall, listening to cole's banter :') thank you for the wonderful question tho, it was more than just nice to return back to this ship. im so agreeing with you about cole being the fave character from everything, but i also understand that this could mean being very unsatisfied with the way he was portrayed at some points or just with the fact that characters like him are rare so im sending you warm and tight hugs and a little sketch!! <3 

let's collectively accept the fact that dav gonna be a beautiful mess, we gonna love it (passionately), we gonna be hurt by it (not surprisingly) and COLE FOREVER WILL BE THE BEST DA CHARACTER EVER IM NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND FIGHT ME

[nightcolorz]

I am once again coming into your askbox to dump my headcannons.

Armand is 100% paying for Daniel’s top surgery, the fact that he canonically spoils his lovers (*cough* night island *cough*). He definitely would be over the top (positive) about taking care of Danny post surgery too. Armand also definitely wants to examine the drains and other medical stuff :)

yk how when you get top surgery, a lot of the time your nipples loose sensation? I think once Daniel further recovered, Armand would wanna see if that’s the case for Daniel bc he’s definitely been autistically researching about this and is just waiting for the chance to start poking and prodding at Danny’s chest 💀. Daniel would also loose his mind at being examined like this bc he’s a horny freak <3 (when bae examines you like you’re gonna be dissected 🤤😍 AWOOOGA)

Also relating to Daniel’s adhd and Armand’s Autism, IMAGINE THEM WITH A SHARED HYPERFIXATION/SPECIAL INTEREST OH MY GOD!!!! this line of thought reminds me of the part in the books where Daniel is teaching Armand about the modern world, and they’re just doing a bunch of random shit together 😭 LIKE JUMPING FROM DIFFERENT FIXATIONS OHHH MY GODDDDD.

Anyways thanks for letting me ramble!! I hope you’re doing well <3 Don’t really have anything cohesive to wrap this up with other than a sensory experience I think Armand fucks with is that floral foam stuff ‼️

YAY HEADCANONS ‼️‼️‼️

omggg Armand sugar Daddying Daniel’s top surgery with his fraud money and being autistically fascinated by the medical and anatomy shit is so canonnn I love that 😭😭 Peak freak for freak omg. I need an “Armand tests Daniels post top surgery nipples out and Daniel gets horny over being treated like a test subject” fic SO BAD, anon ur so brilliant ur mind is a beautiful place.

THE SHARED FIXATION HEAD CANON IS CANON AS HELL!!! Peak neurodivergent romance is bonding over shared brain rot omg that’s so cute, so them. We know from blood and gold that Daniel def fixates on similar things to Armand (model trains definitely fall into the mundane technology realm) so they absolutely had a bunch of moments where Armand is like lover we must go to the car wash to study how the automobiles behave and Daniel is like ugh baby I’m so tired wait omg fr 😮‼️ that sounds so fucking fun let’s do this

thank u sm anon I love ur head canons <333 Armand ABSOLUTELY fucks with floral foam, beautiful incredible ten out of ten no notes

[meatriarch]

mkay did a few things to kinda ease up and make here breathable for me again so,

-- went thru my follow / follower lists and downsized both ( whether from inactivity, sporadic activity, or just zero interest made etc ). anyones additional blogs im following, though, ya'll are still gucci even if its been like a year since yall were active there lmao

-- i downsized drafts by a few but its still at a demented like 36 or so

-- also downsized the inbox from being like 84+ again all the way down to 14 ( which are the kissie prompts, a couple special prompts, & then some prompts from mutuals i havent yet directly interacted with ). everything that wasnt deleted i have in a g.doc saved to go back to once the drafts i do have started / with notes in rn actually get done. that way for me its not like.... looking at the numbers on both the inbox / draft sides looming in the distance and getting anxious & overwhelmed by seeing them everyday im not writing lmao

i do, also, think im going to gently switch things and say that i do prefer some plotting / talks / etc to be done before ill reply to anything. just so i have a better understanding of anyones' muses, how they feel working alongside mine, what potential dynamics can be like, etc. so that actually sitting down and drafting a reply, whether for a thread or an inbox treat, runs generally smoother and im not second-guessing things etc - just overall makes it easier to work with; doesnt necessarily have to be deep-dives or anything like that but some back and forths help alot! which, ofc, that will push me to also keep track of things better and reach out more too ( im a quiet bitch esp in recent weeks im sorry- )

but i Am going to be focusing on those kissie / cutesy prompts for a bit bc the brain hasnt been being all that kind lately and i think i need to suffocate it with some icky cute things so-

with the inbox being mostly cleared though? i do welcome anyone to poke around my prompts tag if you'd like to send anything - especially if we haven't interacted yet, especially if its been a hot minute, i've pawed at your windows to ask for more, etc ♡ i also welcome anyone not on there yet to add me on disc ( meatriarch ) as i Dont like using tumbys ims and to poke me always about yapping about the characters c:

[ming-sik]

How do you think canon would react to your au?

there's definitely a lot of them who are mostly unrecognizable, like tuuli's personality overhaul is so substantial and her original character is so flat that i think that baon!tuuli would scan as a completely different character who happens to share her name if they ever actually met. there's also a lot who are similar enough that there wouldn't be a huge clash, although canon angelica and baon!angelica are very different, you wouldn't notice the differences unless they were called to perform a task without using enhancement magic and angie suddenly had to deal with dyslexia symptoms. so im just gonna do the highlights

canon rozemyne would probably find baon!rozemyne to be a bit of a coward. myne entering noble society under conditions that force her to constantly keep the danger nobles pose to her in mind means that she has to act way more cautiously than canon rozemyne gets to since she cannot solve any problem that canon rozemyne solves by brute force. i do think she would be very worried about the fact that rozemyne is hartmut's retainer. surprisingly, otherwise she's the character who changes the least since i already find her interesting to mess around with.

ferdinand is basically the same in personality with only the details changed. he's an analytical, callous proponent of noble society who is the way he is because he views his own life as a tool. he's a version of himself who wasn't surprised by myne and therefore didn't allow her to influence him. that said he comes across as way more villainous simply because we don't mainly see him through the perspective of the one person he likes and respects, we see the way he treats everyone else.

hartmut would be one of the more divergent comparisons. in the AU he fixates on printing itself instead of rozemyne, fascinated by the myriad of practical and social challenges to implementing widescale printing. this comes after rozemyne earns his respect by accurately and viciously chewing him out in a way he's never experienced. his initial assignment to help with the printing industry ended up in him slacking off and sabotaging it bc he doesn't care, but despite everyone else knowing it was common sense to just wait for it to be over and try to pick up the pieces, rozemyne pointed out that he was being such a jerk because he didn't have any actually helpful knowledge since he refused to listen to lower-status nobles long enough to learn the basics and didn't back down when he tried to strongarm her into giving up. idk if canon hartmut would be impressed by rozemyne being good at arguing(or extremely stubborn when it comes to books) but baon!hartmut's main problem is that his entire brain revolves around whatever he finds interesting and anything outside of that is for the most part beneath his notice, so when rozemyne interests him and makes printing interesting, he latches onto it. he mirrors ferdinand, but because of his age she's able to push their dynamic closer to peers and unlike ferdinand he comes to see her as someone who is intellectually his equal, as well as them being very similar kinds of autistic. also he ends up playing the comedic role sylvester does since he's a silly guy who is her boss but who she isn't especially scared of and has a personal rapport with.

sylvester is as always my special little guy. i cannot decide if he and baon!sylvester would totally get each other or fight to the death. i push sylvester a Lot farther, with him being forced to choose and choose and choose whether he cares more about preserving his status or doing what he feels is right with the cost of doing what he feels is right getting higher every time and eventually him having to accept that his fundamental worldview is incompatible with him as a person. canon sylvester might think he's kind of a dumbass since most of those problems are solved for him by someone else so he doesn't have to deal with them or just don't exist in the first place and while in my heart sylvester is just waiting for the right push to go full communist i dont think that's supported by canon if we don't ignore the back half of the series. he spends a lot more time as an antagonist or at least a character who is definitely doing something wrong, and unfortunately his silliness is very constrained by how on fire everything is for the majority of the story. born to game forced to adult as some might say

charlotte might view baon!charlotte as a kind of wish fulfillment, at least at first. since charlotte decides to take advantage of wilfried's condemnation by launching a story-long mission to become aub ehrenfest at any cost, she's a wayyyyy more active force in the story. she's a massive schemer and although her goal is to stabilize ehrenfest and become an aub who can save it from the brink of collapse, she is ultimately incapable of doing that on her own using the tools of her nobility, almost getting turned into georgine's pawn through trying to exploit her without fully understanding who she's up against. how much and how viciously she fights with sylvester is definitely very different, since their conflict between sylvester wanting to keep charlotte safe in the immediate future and charlotte wanting her life to be as valuable to her duchy as possible, plus an entire childhood of bad blood from sylvester's neglect mean that charlotte actively hates him for a lot of the story.

detlinde is more expanded than changed. detlinde's narcissism as a result of the abuse and neglect she's under means that she clings until her fingers bleed to the idea that someday she will be big and powerful enough to leave all the haters in her dust. she's aware that her mother only cares about her as a pawn, but she's bad at that and so she rails against it, refusing to throw herself at whichever noble her mom demands she curry favor with when all it has ever done is make people hate her more. charlotte is initially just a target georgine gives her, but charlotte is too committed to gaining her as an ally at first and too sympathetic to her later to give up. detlinde is in a very complicated place for a lot of the story, torn between wanting to stay in her comfortable shell or follow charlotte to the terrifying world of trying to function within society instead of hoping to spontaneously escape it one day. this kicks into overdrive when georgine starts treating charlotte as the daughter she always wished she'd had, which explodes her and charlotte's relationship, and is unfortunately After hartmut is engaged to detlinde on charlotte's promise that he would be a reliable ally in her own quest for the throne. detlinde & hartmut end up being a team of antagonists once charlotte defects to the revolutionaries but that's way later i havent thought about the details yet. probably they're tragic antagonists because that's fun :)

[7habitsofhighlyeviceratedpeople]

the ppl in this fandom who r like “criticizing proshippers is stupid in a fandom like Outlast” are absolute weirdos and i do not trust them. just bc it’s darker subjects/media etc doesn’t mean it’s okay to be fetishizing peoples trauma or any sort of glorification of certain topics. i feel like serious critical thinking skills mixed w some light media literacy would srsly help here. i’m so glad a lot of y’all are normal but at the same time a lot of ppl act like they are better than others bc they don’t engage in “discourse” or “drama” bc their black and white mindsets (don’t come @ me i have autism AND bpd black and white mindset is my normal) doesn’t allow them to not take everything at face value and they refuse to see that things r srysly so varying and circumstantial, and applying a “this fandom is for a horror game filled w dark subjects therefore nobody should complain about anything and it should all be okay” like bro it’s not being hypocritical, please use common sense and stop speaking on shit like you are better than others just bc you’re totally fine with anything ppl do so long as “they know fiction from reality” and the rest of y’all’s stupid fucking POVs. like please see how dumb this is and how you are enabling weirdos! probably bc you are a weirdo yourself or just severely uneducated i mean half of y’all are kids and one mf i saw was almost 40 saying “leave proshippers alone” no? the fuck i won’t? it’s sick seeing my trauma be basically romanticized/glorified just bc it’s fiction. y’all just bc it’s fiction doesn’t make everything okay. there’s ethical dark fiction and unethical dark fiction, and many reasons why each one is the way it is. Outlast is so special to me because it’s not only just an amazing, interesting story filled with dynamic characters who are so memorable and unique. the care at which the subjects r approached is incredible and i feel like we as a fandom have a pretty good understanding of why certain things are just NOT okay. i mean the person who started this whole thing was like “if you are attracted to coyle you should treat him with the same treatment you give proshippers” and it just shows they have no clue what they are talking abt and why that doesn’t line up. like coyle or hate him he is an amazing character and it goes without saying that NOBODY not me, not red barrels, not Coyle Nation condones a goddamn thing he does. we don’t like him or Eddie or Trager for the problematic parts of them ? Y’all lack a vital understanding of the message and purpose behind the topics and character traits explored, and when i know i don’t understand smthn i look into it before speaking on it acting like i’m better than everyone and have some hot take. srsly some of y’all do not belong in this fandom. those of you who have brain cells left, ILY 😽

[milfygerard]

Not to tell you how to run your own blog but I loved the discussions full of nuance and would love to see them more often. But also on the other hand I know people who did that often enough that they ended up a target of hate too. Apologies for sending the super chaotic album analysis ask, I was running on fumes too, it was 5am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. The winter months come and I always have trouble waking up before the sun sets, and falling asleep before the sunrise.

Anyway I am not diagnosed with anything, never really could be with where I am, even more so as a woman (we don't even have ADHD meds, those with a diagnosis travel abroad just to buy them) but I have an inkling I might be ND because of many factors but mainly due to feeling like I'm an alien my entire life which no one seems to understand. I've thought about going abroad to get a diagnosis and then I read about what they were doing to ND people during covid and I went fuck that I'll stay wondering and alive. As for Taylor I think the biggest pointer for me was seeing her directing Me! and saying she needs to do less "dead face" or whatever she called it when looking at the footage. I went, oh I know that, it's the thing I also tell myself to do when surrounded by people. Later on I learned why that might be a thing I do lmaooo

the absolute dread i felt getting this anon notif like oh no...it begins

I appreciate the very valid concerns, ive seen how swifties can react to and treat blogs that post too much about subjects they don't like or see as valid. I also have mutuals ive seen get on the wrong end of swiftie harassment and it definitely seems overwhelming at the very least. I have a bit of luck/disguise on my end because ive kind of deduced that swifties seem to not care too much about me if they arent mutuals bc i am not technically a swiftie blog. She's definitely the special interest ive been talking about the most, but I don't post about her solely, I don't have her as my icon or in my url (girard <3) or mentioned anywhere that i'm a swift enjoyer except for me tagging her posts for mutuals who don't wanna see it. My actual posts that I write about her rarely get a Ton of notes and i make them pretty sparsely while also talking about and reblogging a ton of other random shit. I think this helps lessen the likeliness that I'll get someone who like...obsessively reads my blog to point out how stupid dumb and stupid my takes are and get attached to me in like a lolcow sense of trying to provoke me into arguing or entertaining them. If i do start getting some of that, I'll probably just turn off anon and asks for awhile and eventually theyll forget I exist or maybe even block me, imagine that <3

For the second part, I do encourage you to look into whatever neurodivergencies you think you may have even if a literal doctors diagnosis isnt a possibility! Part of the reason im pretty comfortable with tossing around words like autism is because I don't see professional diagnosis as a be all end all, nor do I think its bad to give yourself a "wrong" diagnosis while trying to understand yourself. Even if you don't end up identifying with autistm, I think being around autistic circles and learning about coping mechanisms and thought processes for other neurodivergencies can be so helpful for understanding yourself and your brain, and can bring really helpful. Like, I don't personally have DID or severe psychosis but talking to and reading write ups from mutuals has let me learn about them as like mundane mental health issues/NDs that anyone could have as well as issues i have had in the past with mild hallucinations or conceptions of personality. Most mental illnesses and NDs are treated very strangely and cruelly in general society and are considered aberrant or inherently bad or painful, but these are normal and often neutral (or positive! Which is often ignored or not considered) aspects of peoples lives.

If you are curious about self diagnosis, the most reliable and popular test online is the RAADS-R questionnaire which theres a great version of on embrace autism which i also definitely recommend scrolling through. They also have interesting articles, alternate tests and articles and tests for other neurodivergencies like OCD, which really opened my eyes to the likeliness that I've been suffering with undiagnosed OCD for pretty much my entire life. Theres also an autism forum if you want a broader spread of information and advice that might not be immediately accessible to you. I didnt touch on taylor much in this response (the dead face thing is extremely real, that and her talking about deciding to make the blood in anti hero purple glitter glue because she doesnt feel like a real normal human being in that directors on directors interview) but I do hope the other stuff is helpful and not too rambly <3 autism forever

[flowersandbirdsflyingfree]

oh shiiiii being fed before finals :o3333

i'm not too picky with what boomer shooter he's from, but postal was my hyperfixation for almost a year (graduated to special interest), maybe not p4 dude bc he's more father than daddy if you get what i mean.

for me, I'm a 5'2" transmasc fella, buzzed black hair, with mixed ancestry. I wear grungy clothing, usually with surface-level alternative bands (MCR, ICP)

people called me both militant and silly. i don't open up easily, but once i do, expect random noises, niche quotes and a running mouth. have mommy AND daddy issues. i have a fascination with numbers (not so excellent at math, though, think like dates and statistics), and an affinity for "little guys" (critters, creatures), sweets, and clowns. i dabble in weed and drink alcohol (my go-tos are gummies and rum n coke)

i play video games, draw cartoons, and am on a quest for knowledge (thank the auDHD) about my hyperfixations and special interests. for example, i tend to take pictures of irl graffiti to study different graffiti artstyles. as for MBTI, i'm xNTJ (flips around between INTJ and ENTJ a lot)

as for partners, i get romantically interested in men AND women, not sexually. a handful of fictional crushes i had/have are blonde and buff, but i think a sense of humor and compassion is WAAAY more necessary to win my damaged heart. (probably improper grammar)

thanks for reading and have an excellent holiday!!!!!!!!

Hello there! I hope your holiday is great as well. To be honest, both matchup and Postal exclusively, there was already an answer for you:

Postal 2 Dude

You already are on the same wavelength in terms of style and mindset. The Postal Dude also a bi king who has a taste for blondes typically, but just like you it doesn’t matter. It’s the heart that counts. Thank God you’re actually one of the good ones in this world.

He really loves your ICP shirt! Every now and then, he tends to sing a few of their tunes to himself while running errands. He might put on some of his fav bands in the car radio if you ever wanna listen! They’re usually 90s grunge and nu-metal bands. Ph8 is one of his favorite bands.

The both of you can just take a few hits of his bong (or chew some gummies its up to you) and lay on the floor during your highs to just infodump wherever the night takes you. He’s impressed how much brain you’ve got stored in there. He’s… something else. His stoned attitude ranges from “ha ha peen its” humor to “did you know if you rupture someone’s achilles heel real bad, it sounds like a gunshot and is pretty much permanently damaged forever?”

It’s pretty often for him to kick down doors and trespass wherever he pleases. He’ll gladly help you go to places like the city or abandoned buildings to study some graffiti art. Dude is also a backup bodyguard against any bad strangers lurking in the area.

I can also see you two making friends with little critters all the time. Maybe you encourage his softer side more when you feed the stray cats roaming about Paradise. One of them regularly visits to affectionately rub up against your leg. You name him Toki and check up on him every day by the restaurant district where he usually stays. Dude says he can’t be kept as a pet to prevent conflict because of a certain someone Champ

The Dude has more issues than a copy of a Freudian Monthly magazine. But he isn’t as hard as he lets on. You’ve been more patient with him than he feels he deserves. But you also get the struggle. Someone who knows the world isn’t sparkles and bullshit yet keeps going has a resilience he really loves. He won’t say it directly unless it’s late enough. But he damn well shows it in the way he treats you well.

[rontra]

So, given you are interested in DC, or at least aspects of it and RWBY I am curious what your thoughts were on the recent crossover? I assume positive given the art, which s amazing by the by. Also low key curious if you have any "born in DC" headcanon for superhero RWBY. No pressure though.

THE MOVIE YOU MEAN??? well first off thank you hahahah

& for #2 i don't really have any headcanons like that ... somehow i struggle with conceptualizing rwby crossovers w my other interests in general. (maybe it's because rwby's language is so specific to me i struggle to translate in or out of it????)

i do think however we should rank dc characters on how competently they could solve the salem situation /j*

the movies... i watched them back to back in the same night of course, so it was very funny to like, go directly from v7 to post-v9. they were like Guys you will not believe the shit that happened to us since last time we spoke

of course it's crossover spinoff material and not that important to me in the grand scheme of things. so my mode of interaction with it is mostly Enjoying A Light Snack. i can't say i have many capital t Thoughts that are worth posting about individually bc of that. but i DID enjoy the post-v9 aspect of movie2 bc like--altho obviously they can't dig into this shit in a crossover spinoff film--it still gives somewhat of an inclination towards what the writing room is thinking about. ruby especially i had a great time with. how's figuring out the summer rose shit going for you girl (BADLY) (LOL)

oh and omg invoking raven's name ... RAVEN MENTIONED... (to yang no less. heh)

a lot of salem namedrops in movie2 as well which i did chuckle about every time. speaking of, salem not going to vacuo Bolstered... hee hee hoo hoo... pleaaase give me evil gang meetup at beacon pleaaase

movie1 was a special treat for me because i loved all the "this doesn't make any sense this doesnt add up" Memory/Continuity/Spatial fuckery. i could've genuinely watched two full movies about rwby characters going "wait, that doesn't make any sense" at each other. i REALLY enjoyed that. very good show. pyrrha moment very fun also

i think zatanna shouldve showed up in movie2. for me.

i thought i was gonna miss bat ears brucie baby from the RWBYxJL comic more than i did. i think of him so fondly. but wings were kinda fun .... 🦇

movie1 had a little too much diana characterization disease for me to enjoy her. but that's so common its barely worth leveraging as Specific To This Movie. and i feel like she barely talked in movie2 so jury's still out on that. but of course there's a fair bit of wriggle room for the dc characters (in movie1 especially) as well given the "its a random ass crossover so the meta stakes have never been lower + they all got Genuine Teenager Brain for the whole first movie anyway"

movie2 had some pretty cool animation moments that i really noticed. movie1 wasnt like Awful but movie2 was the one where i perked up like "oh, that animation looked cool", you know? also i really liked the models they made for team rwby. the stylization felt nicely balanced to me?...if that makes sense. i hope we can see more models like them in the future just for me. idc who uses them but its my christmas wish RT please

final evaluation: better than DC/RWBY the comic. here is my favorite screenshot

so true girls<3

*wonder woman could fix everything i know this about her

[angelpuns]

Ranting anon is actually v interested in ur new au- so they are gonna make a lil list of questions-

Do any of the dudes have a specific thing abt their design that's special to them and like actually has a lil meaning

Does splinter particularly dislike anything about each of them

How often do you think they'd go out together

Do any of them have specially unhealthy and noticeable habits

Who's the quietest and loudest

Who spends the most time alone or with others

Who do u think is more willing to go out in public

Do any of them have a specific interest they can't seem to shake

Fav water brands (bc there is a difference! Nirvana and Aquafina SUCK!!!)

that's all for now :3 have a good day, drink some water, treat urself, don't forget to go outside every once in awhile <3 <3 (I am not rereading this so sorry for any mistakes, brain is still taking a vacation)

HOHOHOOO IM GLAD YOURE EXCITED CAUSE IM V V EXCITEDD

I'll go one by one for the first one ( they don't have super special meanings or anything, just things they like )

Leo ofc has his stars! He just really likes space and the star motif is super cute!! He also has his scarf, its just got all their colors on it - he sewed on the little bits himself.

Mikey likes to make bracelets and has a MASSIVE collection, so he's always wearing em.

DONNIE HAS A TOOLBELT!!! It holds all his stuffs!

Raph has his ripped pants - which he wears exclusively to spite Leo. Also has some dogtags that he found on the ground and decided he was gonna keep forever ( for funsies )

I think Splinter probably thinks that Leo is too...irresponsible? He expects a certain degree of responsibility that Leo doesn't really hit. He also is transphobic :)

For Mikey he definitely seems to blame him for things that aren't his fault. On the other hand, Mikey is also very messy, hates doing chores and Splinter can't stand that.

Same sort of thing for Donnie, but much less so. Excuses it away with compliments and stuff. He is the favorite child after all.

For Raph its like he doesn't even know he exists. He barely talks to Raph or really??? Worries about him?? He's just overlooked due to being the same age as Donnie ig

They go out together all the time! They usually end up arguing, but its always a lot of fun! Sometimes Raph n Donnie stay at home, but almost always its all four of em. Raph and Mikey also go out on their own ( separately ) a lot.

Uhhhhhhh I am actually gonna hold off on answering that cause I have a comic I wanna make about one of Leo's habits ( tee he its just one of my habits but anyway ).

Raph chews on his mask tails. Not really unhealthy but def noticeable. Mikey chews his nails like so so bad. I'll add more when I think of em :)

Quietist is Donnie for sure, Raph is the loudest. Mikey is the second loudest. Leo can be loud if he needs to.

Leo spends the most time alone, he doesn't really have much going on as far as a social life. Raph has a lot of friends and that's usually who he's hanging out when he's out.

Raph is the most likely to go out in public. Sometimes its to spite Leo and sometimes he just wants to go hang out in the city. Occasionally he'll drag Mikey out with him.

Leo has been into space since he was a kid and he hasn't been able to shake it since, Mikey n Raph ofc have their art. Donnie has his tech. The last three are more like just huge aspects of their personalities at this point. Mikey has been watching Project Runway nonstop for like 2 years ( Leo got him into it )

I don't know any water brands- Raph and Mikey are the only two that actually drink water and I think they drink a store brand? Leo drinks tap water :) Donnie is eternally dehydrated

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE QUESTIONS I AM HAVING A BALL!!!

I feel a LITTLE bad posting about them so much when Kid Leo isn't over but its my coping mechanism <3333

Enjoy my rambles haha

[rosecrystal]

hi pam!!! do you have any advice for moving on from someone you really loved? i had been secretly in love with one of my friends, which we didn't realize was mutual until i moved away like 10 months ago, and despite promises to stay in touch he never reaches out, doesn't engage with my social media, doesn't seem interested in hearing about my life now. he said he might visit this fall (of his own accord i literally didn't ask him to say that) but can't confirm until he figures out his work situation but i feel like he is just stringing me along at this point and like i'm making this fake narrative in my head that he must ignore me because it's just too painful to talk to me etc which is so dumb because if i can't feel it then he doesn't love me, whether or not he loves me ykwim?? i have done all i can to communicate my feelings and try to keep the connection and show he is still special to me, but it feels stupid and embarrassing at this point. he said he didn't think long distance would work out, but that he still wants to be my friend and stay in touch, but i don't even feel like he gives me the level of effort needed for a friendship, like he definitely treats his other friends better than this, so it's not just the romantic rejection it's the total apathy from him that has made me feel fed up. i don't want to care so much about someone who makes me second guess so much anyway. and i'm trying to tell myself the whole "he's losing someone who really loved him, i'm losing someone who doesn't give me anything anymore" and be offline and be present in my new life here but i haven't met anyone else and i can't stop wishing to hear from him.

Hello angel! I’m sorry you are going through this and you are right about everything rationally speaking but of course feelings don’t really follow a rational line. I think it is normal to linger and miss him, if you wanna actively do something maybe try to hide his posts from you on socials (you know how on instagram for example you can mute people’s profiles) or if you wanna go towards a more “absolute” route you can tell him you need some time off touch and that you will delete/block him from your socials. That’s sort of like a “trick” on your brain if you put up that kind of barrier (so you don’t wait/expect for him to get in touch with you anymore) and I know a lot of people have negative feelings when it comes to blocking people bc they don’t wanna seem rude or whatnot but a lot of times you don’t need to hate someone to block them or delete them, a lot of times it’s to protect your peace. Either way I also think you need to give yourself time, you just started a new adventure and I’m pretty sure you will meet people and soon be so busy this person won’t be in your mind anymore. Wishing you good luck!🍀

[trans-leek-cookie]

I just saw your tags on the unreliable narrator post and I really want to know what character you’re talking about now

Geto Suguru from JJK. I came for the hot Asian guy with long hair and a cool outfit stayed bc I'm interested in how cults and eugenics hurt ppl irl and also how they're explored in fiction. But between heaven and earth I alone am trying to find a fic that actually treats him being a cult leader as the problem it is and also gets fucking Nanako and Mimiko out of their. Uhhh fuck idk if u know JJK so spoilery ranting under the read more that assumes familiarity (so not like. Explaining specific plot shit bc my brain will explode)

so basically ppl have called out the eugenics shit with like "kill everyone who isn't a sorcerer" and generally they're like yeah that sucks but whatever not important lol. And I've seen like 0 shit actually about how he's a cult leader + how cults are Abusive. And some ppl are like "actually he has a point bc blah blah blah" like okay. If sorcerers were a stand in/comparable to real life marginalized groups. WE DONT NEED MORE "MARGINALIZED EUGENICIST" PLOTS. But even within the story they don't seem marginalized? Like, there are Marginalized Sorcerers, but being a Sorcerer isn't something that's consistently oppressed? The closest thing is either misdirected ableism/sanism ("they see things that aren't there and are assumed to be psychotic" which is its own can of worms) or like accusations of witchcraft which... I guess that's sorcerery based on this universe but irl those were usually used either along with or as cover for other shit (racism, misogyny, land grabs, etc). So hes not necessarily marginalized on that level- tho growing up in a family without other sorcerers mightve caused problems for him that's a LOT different from systemic oppression. And, also? In a lot of cases it seems like sorcerers are relatively privileged with a lot of economic, social and maybe political power? Like the big three families are obv examples bc they're fucking Rich and control the sorcery world so. Y'know. Also it's stated at one point sorcerers receive some like exceptions to the law but aren't allowed to hurt ppl who aren't sorcerers so. Yeag

anyways going more in depth on eugenics- okay real quick terms: negative and positive eugenics. That's not in reference to the quality, "positive" doesn't mean "good" But Rather in reference to wether the action is meant to Reduce "bad genes" or Increase "good genes". And obv negative eugenics includes shit like forced sterilization and murder which I don't want to downplay, but positive eugenics is also coercive and fucked up. For example, forcing ppl to have children they don't want. Which isn't Discussed in the series, but the fact is sorcerers a SMALL minority of the population, and they're already having trouble with curses, so. Theoretically sorcerers would be coerced to have more children to bring the population numbers up. Personally I think that's Not Something Suguru Believes In (I'll get into that but main thing is his eugenics isn't an actual strategy but rather lashing out and ego) but like. There's abuse on both sides of the equation no matter what. Eugenics isn't fucking redeemable.

Now onto the cult shit. It's not super expanded on besides needing money and curses to like. Kill ppl or whatever. But my interpretation of Suguru is that he started a cult, and believes in eugenics, because his ego was damaged. Like the trauma impacted him and influenced his actions ofc bc trauma Does That but also I straight up think his ego was bruised and he wants revenge.

Like first of all, the wider context- he's a kid who is alienated from his parents and probably most of the ppl he interacted with due to his abilities, which is understandably damaging esp at a young age.

He is then scouted and labeled as a special grade- he is one of three in Japan and I believe the world, if I'm not misremembering. He is on par with Gojo Satoru (category wise) who. Literally "Gojo Satoru's birth changed the world" like that's a NUTS ego boost to get

Anyway Gojo called the two of them "the strongest" literally pairing them up and positioning them as equals so like. Whoo boy. Also special grade sorcerer is defined as "a sorcerer who could single-handedly take down a nation" which okay! Labeling children as essentially weapons of mass destruction. Normal behavior

Then Toji happens and this random fucking guy beats you up. He kills your best friend and the girl you were escorting. But he doesn't kill you- because of your cursed technique being risky to deal with, but also. Obvious subtext of "you aren't important enough to kill"

Then your friend comes back from the fucking dead. Kills the man who tried to kill him. Discovers entirely me abilities and becomes even more powerful. And you are stagnating, with a technique you fucking hate. Your entire power is the power of Other Things.

So like. Understandly, thought maybe not justifiably, your ego is fucked.

So you start creating a new dichotomy: sorcerers and everyone else. If everyone else is lesser, you still have worth because you're Better than them by virtue of existing.

And then you discover 2 children being abused for the thing you have a victim complex over (<- this is also it's own thing I'll talk about) and you murder a bunch of ppl about it (okay this is a little questionable of My Opinions maybe but I could. Not forgive but understand the mass murder bc there's a lot of shit building up and clearly if 2 young girls being badly abused in a small village that implies the majority of people were either okay with it or unwilling to try and help at all. Anyway it's still Bad but like. Understandble mental breakdown trauma kinda bad for me? Also bc most ppl irl recognize murder as being Bad but are Weirdly Forgiving of bigotry yknow)

Anyway you take over the cult that was doing some other shit and my personal interpretation of this is also an ego thing. Bc lots of cult leaders do it for the money, but a lot of them also do it bc they like the feeling of controlling ppl. And there's essentially 2 levels of the cult- everyday people and the people he considers Family (which includes Mimiko and Nanako, the 2 children from the paragraph above).

On the "everyday people" level, there's a feeling of being a revered religious leader, knowing something they don't (curses exist), and the satisfaction of taking advantage of the people you don't like.

On the Family level, you position yourself as a savior and as The Only One Brave Enough To Do What Must Be Done (eugenics genocide) so even if you aren't the strongest you're still Special.

So that's my main analysis of why he became a cult leader, and now I'm gonna make more comments about why I think his shit is "Ego" rather than a (fucked up) desire to actually help ppl

If you wanted to help sorcerers survive: THE CLANS ARE A MASSIVE FUCKING PROBLEM. They hoard techniques tools and knowledge and the Zen'in clan literally cast out Toji who could've been a fuckin BEAST at dealing with curses. The clans reliance of tradition also generally hinders sorcerers ability to grow and improve in ways that aren't Traditional

When he dies the cult falls apart (which: good) but also the members have different ideals like some of them wanna keep doing eugenics, some of them just wanted Suguru to be powerful, and two of them were basically his adopted kids. If you actually had good intentions: CREATE A PLAN FOR WHEN YOU DIE SO YOUR FOLLOWERS CAN ACTUALLY CARRY OUT YOUR WILL AND HELP PEOPLE INSTEAD OF LETTING THEM INFIGHT

And idk if this is totally Ego or starting to move into a separate thing so I just decided to split it up: even when he was "righteous" his beliefs kinda Sucked

Like "the strong must protect the weak". There are inherent sort of... values being placed there, because weak is negative, not neutral. It's relatively minor, but I think it's important to note with how his beliefs evolve.

It's not like "we need to protect the people who can't protect themselves" it's really reductive. There's weak people and strong people and basically Noblisse Oblige but for strength or whatever which isn't really actual kindness or equality but rather pretty much. Pity.

Also he sorts jujutsu sorcerers into "strong" and everyone else into "weak" for the most part so that's... great worldview my guy. Definitely not going to just worsen your alienation from other ppl

so when he goes to "why should the strong protect the weak?" He jumps to "the strong don't owe anything to the weak, and actually the weak should be Punished For Being Weak" instead of. Just doing something else. Just get a fucking job, my guy

Anyway his plan is just garbage top to bottom total mess morally and logistically and he's a traumatized teen who grew into an abuser and like. The trauma influenced that but there were always fucking problems so it isn't "oh he got hurt and is evil :(" it's "he has some worrying beliefs and his trauma is likely making his emotions and ability to reason unstable, and then he finds an excuse to turn that instability into Violence" like. He's not necessarily abusive bc he's mentally ill or traumatized marginalized he's abusive bc he got to a point in his life where he could justify it to himself and it felt Good

And I just remembered this part: for the characters who interact with him I do enjoy that they still like and love him, even though he fucking sucks, because that's very human. You'll love imperfect people, you'll love horrible ppl who hurt you and/or others, and that isn't irredeemable it's just Human because being a Human and Connecting With Humans is complicated like that

I even like it when they excuse his bad behavior! Bc that's a realistic character flaw, to value the person u consider your friend over the people they hurt! It's not ethical, but it's natural and interesting to explore in fiction.

THE PROBLEM. IS WHEN THE AUTHORS DO NOT TREAT OR ACKNOWLEDGE IT AS A PROBLEM.

Like... listen. Love a relationship where one character sucks and the other character forgives them for the ppl they hurt and just wants their loved one back. The problem is when the writers are like "aww this is so sweet/romantic/beautiful" WHATEVER. Because it's not??

Someone defending their fucking abusive partner/friend/family member, especially when they aren't victims themselves, isn't fucking sweet it's scary, either for them or others!!!! And I want either to see the characters grapple with the way they excuse their loved ones' abuses and how that reflects on them and their morals, or, if the characters don't do that, for the author to acknowledge it as A Flaw!!!! I'd that too much to fucking ask

Especially with cult abuse, I don't want to say it's necessarily treated worse than any other type of abuse, but it feels really hard to find things related to fictional cults that actually acknowledge the Real Life Damage and Abuse cults do instead of having the cult be 1. Faceless evil 2. A joke 3. Fetishized/romanticized. And like all forms of abuse are similarly distorted in media + fiction, but I feel like ive almost never seen cult abuse portrayed respectfully/accurately, especially in fan works

Anyways for the wild TL;DR I think Geto Suguru's personality is comparable to an anti-sjw trans guy who is getting scarily close to Actual Fascist beliefs and is hurting all the people around him and his ex mutuals are like "he's not that bad" when he is That Bad and I'm so fucking mad about what happened to Nanako and Mimiko. If I think about their canon treatment I get so upset I start to have a headache

[algolagniaa]

I think I used to view other women in my life through a lens of like. oh someone wants you so you’re different from me. and it wasn’t from a place of caring about male approval rly bc I wanted to be wanted by a woman but it was like - in kids books there are often a lot of boys and One girl and that girl is Very Special (and this was def something I picked up on bc I would make a lot of female characters and then despair of the fact I HAD to make enough boys to outnumber them. and the boys would all be super boring cardboard people bc I really only wanted to write about the super awesome girls but I thought that was how it Had to be) and then in teen books there’s again One girl who’s special enough to lead the revolution and have every single guy interested in her. and I have always had a huge complex about being special thanks mom and dad for how thoroughly you set me up for that and it would bum me out like I would lose a sparring match against another girl and in my head I’d be like oh :( I thought I was Alanna the lioness but I’m not :( that’s her and I’m just a normie girl :( which didn’t make sense bc I didn’t think the same about boys at all but it wasn’t even that I thought boys were better in any way I just thought yay I get to beat them up!!! like they weren’t in the running to be special at all bc 1) boys weren’t special and 2) boys didn’t Have to be special. and that was when I was a kid but when I was a teenager it stopped being so much about like, being chosen by faeries or w/e and started being about relationships. bc all my friends had boyfriends or at least boy drama and my brother had a girlfriend and did I have a girlfriend? no. bc I was an out lesbian and there weren’t a whole lot of out teenage lesbians in Orange County in 2009 but ofc I didn’t look at it that logically I just thought it meant I wasn’t Special. and it’s weird bc looking back on my life I have managed to attract a ridiculous amount of girls/women to me considering I’m a lesbian with no game like idk how I managed to do it but I figured it out somehow and p much always had if not a girlfriend at least a girl who I could sleep with. but usually they were very low quality women bc I had no standards whatsoever so they would treat me like shit a lot and then that still didn’t count for what I wanted bc they obviously didn’t love me and I was miserable and felt like I had to play a part in order to keep them interested and I would look at other women who were in relationships that seemed better than mine and go wow she’s Special. she’s so much prettier and better and more interesting than me. obviously or else she wouldn’t have been Chosen when I wasn’t. forget about the fact that we aren’t even competing to date the same people. the light of heaven shines down on her but not me.

anyway I wrote about more about that than I intended to but my original point was - that idea that I’m Not Special has been a part of my self concept for a very long time. and I’m at a point in my life where it doesn’t make sense at all anymore. and not even just because I’m in a loving relationship with someone who makes me feel very special although that does help. it’s a lot more that I have things in my life I’m proud of that I did by myself. not even just accomplishments in the general sense of the word (although getting a degree and getting such good grades and accepted into honors societies is a big part of it) but like I’ve Done things and gone places and had adventures and had so much fun. and I know I’m going to keep doing that. packing up this trailer sucks and is miserable but it’s also really cool bc I remember the miserable mindset I had when I moved in and the mindset I have now is so different from that. and I don’t feel any more like there’s anything that I need that I don’t have. and it’s really incredible BUT my brain still wants to hold onto this mindset of jealousy and not being enough just because that’s what it’s used to and not doing that requires a whole overhaul not only of how I see myself but also of how I see other people. and as hard as it is for me to admit that mostly means other women bc I’ve never in my life been jealous of a man other than my brother I just actually hate them.