#bc its always really predictable and i never care about the drama that comes of it andi think its annoying

[vaugarde]

maybe i  shouldnt be getting new books when i still havent finished reading the second kyoshi book or “kingdom of sand” but like the first one is really boring so far to be fair

[cocogukkie]

2020 in review: kdramas (the heart fluttering, the disappointing, the saviors of 2020)

it’s december 31st! the new year is quite literally upon us (some of y’all are already in 2021) and my procrastinating self has chosen to upload this today. i’ve always loved these rec lists and I wanted to do one for 2020! this year was a rollercoaster for kdramas with some excellent ones and some not so excellent ones. i watched all of these in 2020 but not all of them were released in 2020.

if you want to use my questions to make your own list please do!! or give your favs in the tags, i’d love to read them. (fair warning, some of these have multiple answers bc i just can’t choose one!!)

drama that made me laugh

When The Camellia Blooms (2019)

i finally got around to watching when the camellia blooms this year and it. was. so. funny. oh my goodness, the comedic timing in so many scenes was pure excellency and im kinda mad at myself that i didn’t watch this last year. this isn’t just a comedy for those who are interested, its a thriller/romance but its also so fucking funny. definitely watch this if you want to laugh (and be touched bc the emotional scenes in this one are beautiful)

drama that made me cry

Sweet Home (2020)

hahah….. um this one is gonna go to sweet home friends. i went into this one with zero expectations and the first couple episodes didn’t really wow me? but i kept watching and holy shit fam. this show really picks up story-wise around ep 4 and makes the viewer love a lot of these initially unlikable characters. all i can say is that the end was devastating for me and i cried quite a bit. (warning, there are a lot of mature themes in this one so make sure you look for trigger warnings or send me an ask and i’ll list them all out for you) 

best OST

Itaewon Class (2020) 

i loved the ost for itaewon class!! the music is just so inspirational and pump up music, its so good. my favorites are ‘you make me back’ by woosung and ‘start’ by gaho.

drama with chemistry royalty (aka the best couple) 

i have three for this one because i just cannot choose one. 

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

we recognize this one as one of the best things to come out of 2020. go moon young and moon kang tae have some of the best chemistry i have ever seen in a drama couple. i waited on the edge of my seat every single week for the next couple of episode just so i could fawn over these two. they work so well together, lift each other up, and so fucking funny together and support one another. while they’re not the chillest couple (lmao) they’re most certainly one with the most personality. they’re so cute and bicker and they just get each other. who could ask for more.

Flower of Evil (2020)

our badass mom and dad 😭😭. this was another peak drama that came out this year and our married partners-in-crime-but-not-really had amazing chemistry. baek hee sung and cha ji won were so cute as a married couple but they were even more precious later on in the drama after certain things unfolded (no spoilers). they both just get each other and protected one another as well as on the most precious kdrama children this year, their daughter eunha. they were so wholesome, flower of evil is so very worth a watch.

Into The Ring (2020)

this was one of the more underappreciated kdramas of the year but hoo buddy was the main couples chemistry top notch. they were so friggin cute and i just couldn’t. goo se ra is highkey one of the best female characters i’ve ever seen, she’s absolute chaos, lawful chaos, but chaos nonetheless. her other half, seo gong myung is opposite from her as lawful neutral. he’s just along for the ride that is se ra and loves her. they’re both so very fond and protective of each other and back each other up!! very very cute and you’ll definitely replay more than a couple of their scenes together.

most disappointing

Record of Youth (2020)

it’s sad but true… i went into this one with so much hope and excitement (i was riding off that ‘psycho but its okay’ high) and i was vastly disappointed. the plot mostly focused on the male lead, and there wasn’t much characterization for the female lead which i didn’t like. honestly, i only cared about maybe 3-4? characters in the whole drama. the rest were absolutely terrible or plain boring and i ended up skipping eps 14 and 15 and just watched the finale. i would not recommend tbh.

drama you can’t really get through

Crash Landing on You (2019)

this one is absolutely on me, i want so badly to love this one. but i just… can’t seem to get past ep 2? i’ve tried!! i swear, but i just cannot get through it. maybe in 2021, i can try again and i’ll enjoy it more.

drama everyone else liked but was meh

Kairos (2020)

i though kairos was a bit predictable tbh. i know those of us who did end up watching it really liked it but maybe its because i watch so many crime/mystery shows that this one didn’t really do it for me. the writing is quite solid and everything connects well, i would recommend that those who don’t really watch thrillers, to watch this one. (also the friendship between the female lead and her two friends is suuuper cute and worth it alone to watch kairos)

favorite romance

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

yeah… this one wins again lol. what can i say, i just loved it so much and the main theme of the show is romance (its also a comedy and a mental health/healing drama) all i can say is watch this if you haven’t yet, its definitely worth it!! 

favorite mystery

Memorist (2020)  & Watcher (2019)

i really enjoyed these two mystery dramas. both were super fun to watch and very kinda unique in their own ways. i liked memorist because it was lowkey funny and i liked the relationships between the characters, but most importantly i couldn’t guess the main antagonist by the end! i really thought i knew who it was and then i was completely wrong lmao. watcher was also very good, the main trio had really good chemistry and i really cared about all the characters. (also i’ll never say no to watching seo kang joon) plus the plot twists threw me a bit at the end which is always a feeling i welcome, i love being surprised and wrong (as long as it makes sense)

favorite slice of life

Hospital Playlist (2020)

oh my goodness, i was late to the hospital playlist party and i regret it because this show is so. so. good. its just a slice of life following 5 friends who are doctors and work at the same hospital together but its so much more than that. this is honestly one of the first shows i’ve seen that are optimistic? in the show, every time i thought a plot was going to play out a certain way (usually negatively, as tends to be life unfortunately) it surprised me by taking the more optimistic wholesome route. characters in subplots changed for the better, became more understanding, chose to do the right thing, etc. if you want a feel good drama where the main characters have wonderful platonic chemistry and just care about each other but is also super funny, watch hospital playlist!! (season 2 is coming out early 2021 and im so pumped)

favorite fantasy

The Untamed (2019)

this one is a cdrama but i watched it in 2020, mostly because of how many people on the internet were adamant that the rest of us watch this and ngl they were v right. the untamed was very very good and im really glad i gave it a chance and watched it, its also my first cdrama ever. the chemistry between the male leads is honestly what makes this show and its worth the 50? i think? episodes. to be completely honest the fanfiction for the show are peak and if you do watch this, go straight to ao3 and you will not be disappointed.

dramas that saved 2020

The Uncanny Counter (2020) & Run On (2020)

these two dramas are among those that started airing at the end of the year and will go into the beginning of 2021 and absolutely saved the end of 2020 for me. while neither of these are finished, both have been excellent so far and worth starting. uncanny counter has the best use of the found family trope i have ever seen. i fucking love the four counters and their relationship with each other, how protective they are of one another. they all have amazing chemistry and the actors have amazing chemistry in the making films.

run on has one of the cutest couples that will definitely make my best chemistry list for next year. i didn’t put them on this list bc they actually haven’t gotten together yet but once they do, they’re gonna be freaking adorable, i can already tell. there’s no specific grand events propelling the plot forward, but just following the lives of these unique, interesting and relatable people who have casual yet entertaining conversations with each other. the show is super soft and the main couple are so straightforward and honest (plus theres mutual pining!!)

best dramas of the year

here are my best dramas (and one movie) watched this year, no further explanation given lolol. just watch them and enjoy because these are fucking excellent in the feels department. trust me 💞

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

Flower of Evil (2020)

Itaewon Class (2020)

Hospital Playlist (2020)

One Spring Night (2019)

Midnight Runners (2017)

Hot Stove League (2019) 

I hope this gives you some fun stuff to watch!! or convince you to start that drama in your watchlists! 

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

ML Lies Episode Predictions:

There’s Two?? (don’t trust my math) more days before lies completely destroys me, so I’m going to make some predictions, and by predictions I mean wishlist. My walls are already up, so if none of these happen I won’t be disappointed, but also a girl can dream: (this is somehow 1700 entire words long because I have a lot of feelings, so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome)

—Adrien and Kagami’s are secretly dating: please I want it so bad, I’ve talked about this so much and emotionally I need it!! At the very least I want them to sneak out together so so bad I’d cry. But also, if they’re hiding it from their other friends for whatever reason, thats SUCH good angst potential.

—If we get to see some kinda montage of them sneaking out??? Id ride that high for months. Even just one actual example of them working together to sneak out would obliterate me. Like, how it shows Kagami sneaking out to go to the game in Ikari Gozen?? I’d cry

—The breakup happens as a direct result of it being a secret relationship: this would be SUCH a good parallel to lukanette. Lukanette broke up because Luka wanted Marinette to be more open with him and he hated being in the dark, so just, the parallels if Adrien wants to be more open about adrimi and Kagami is like “you dont understand, if your dad finds out about us he will end this immediately” but Adrien wants to believe that its going to be okay and no one will react badly? I’m probably explaining this badly and I’ll try to explain it better later I just,,, want parallels and opposites and truth v lies and hhhhh

—Fencing??? Friendly/ affectionate competition??? Them being idiot jocks in love??? Please??? I want to see them compete!!

—I’d love to see Kagami character growth + Adrimi relationship development!!! I want her to love herself more and be more comfortable around him!!!

—Specifically, if there was a parallel to Riposte,, and Adrien beat Kagami in a fencing match and Kagami was like “Oh nice!! :D good game!” I’d be so happy I’d cry!! And it’s kinda implied by Chat Blanc that they’re already there in there relationship?? But not confirmed?? So if I saw it or saw confirmation of it I’d cry!!

—in one of the released photos it looked like they were holding hands??? And at this point my expectations are so low I don’t even trust it yet but blease,,, let them hold hands,, i’d cry of joy

—If Adrien is also constantly leaving and disappearing due to akuma responsibilities, I want it to read SUPER differently from the Lukanette because I love parallels/foils!! Marinette disappears on her dates with Luka and its just “oh marinette is really distracted and busy and frazzled” but I dont think Adrimi but be loke that at all!!! Because as far as Kagami knows, she has the same backstory/current story as Adrien. She’s risking a lot by sneaking out to go on dates with him?? So Adrien seeing an akuma and being like “oh sorry father is calling” isnt even suspicious or anything??? Its 100% believable!!! If her mother called she’d immediately be like “oh fricking heck i Need To Leave this instant immediately.” So its less “Adrien doesnt care about her” and more of just twisting the knife and reminding her that life doesnt want them to be together and Adrien is never going to be free!!! Big ouch to her heart!!!

—also I want!!!! Them!!! To talk about their feelings!!! Because parallels to truth!!! Adrien is like “sorry I have to go” and Kagami is like “oh I hate that so much” and Adrien is like “big same.” (Also idk how realistic this is but I’d love it if ‘Kagami talking about her feelings’ wasn’t the cause of strife in their relationship!! Like, she talks about how she feels and when she’s upset and Adrien is like “yeah me too” and they’re just,, good bros)

—I need them to stay friends after the breakup, i need it i need it i need it!!! And the whole issue is!! I feel like the main reason they’d date is to try and hang out more?!?? So if the breakup was actually them talking to each other and being like “hey so this isnt working with sneaking out, we’re going to need to go back to the way it was before,” rather than them saying they were bad for each other???? Hoo boy i’d lose my mind

—Also!!! My favorite prediction, I’d die of joy if this happened (and also of angst). I want there to be so much drama with “secret relatinship” stuff that they try to fix it by going public with their relationship!! Very low chance of this actually happening but its okay if it doesnt, thats what the fanfiction I’m inevitably going to write immediately after watching the episode is for!!! But anyway,, multiple ways this could happen.

Maybe they’ve been secretly dating since Miracle Queen and they decide to go public at the beginning of this episode and that’s the primary source of plot/conflcit!!! I’d be thrilled!!!

BUT!!! if the episode ends with then Not Breaking Up, but instead deciding to go from dating secretly to dating publicly???? Holy Freaking Heck,,, I’d go feral with emotion!!!! I also need to expand on this so much more but basic rundown of how I imagine it could happen (again: Is it likely?? Probably not! but this is my last chance to dream):

Kagami is like “listen we have the same backstory and I KNOW in my soul that this relationship wouldn’t work if it was public”

Adrien is like “okay yeah I feel you, thats fair”

Kagami goes on dates with Adrien and its fun and nice and lovely and the honeymoon phase is so good and exciting

Adrien starts disappearing a lot, partly because of akuma attacks, but partly because of nathalie and gabe calling him constantly

Adrien starts to be like “well actually i think that my dad does care about me probably? And if he knew why I wanted to go he’d let me! Or at least Nathalie would because clearly she cares about me!”

Kagami is like “hhhnngg have you met them?? You think they’d want you to be happy and free??” Except she can’t just SAY that because if she did then she’d be crushing Adrien’s entire heart and possibly also making him get really defensive and he has to come to the conclusion that his parents are good on his own

Kagami also starts to get frustrated with how much more often Adrien has to leave than she does?? And its because of akuma attacks but she doesnt know that and he cant tell her

Adrien starts to get frustrated because he can take the “having to leave for akuma attacks” part but when he finally finishes an akuma battle and Natalie immediately calls him it is just aaaaaAAAAAAAA and he just wants to believe so badly that he could at least take control of that part??? He could at least get Nathalie to help him out??? Probably maybe right???

Because we all know he HATES having to keep secrets from Ladybug, but he’ll do it for her, and he’ll keep his life as Chat a secret, but Kagami??? He should at least be able to talk about that, right?? He’s not doing anything bad/dangerous/etc

Also there could very well be some angst with Adrien being so so worried about Nathalie because she’s bedridden and his dad is being sketchy and he’s SEEN this before and he doesn’t want to be avoiding Natalie or lying to her because what if he loses her too??? He’d feel so guilty! And he needs the support of a parent figure so much,,, so he HAS to tell her the truth

But he respects Kagami’s wishes and he’s not going to betray her trust

But unlike Lukanette, they DO talk about their feelings and they disagree and stuff, and even if he’s trying not to be confrontational, Kagami is like “i can tell youre uncomfortable about something, please just tell me what it is” so he tells her that he disagrees

Kagami gets akumatized?? idk if it’s even been confirmed that she’s the akuma “Lies” but I’d assume she is because parallels to Lukanette

Maybe it happens as a direct result of some moment where Kagami and Adrien are arguing and in the heat of the moment he says something hurtful??

Maybe they’re arguing and then Adrien has to leave before it can resolve and Kagami is mad about it even though shes trying not to be and she gets akumatized???

Maybe she does say something like “bc your dad sucks and nathalie sucks!” and he yells or something (i want to see Adrien yell and be flawed let me live, and this is one of the most likely scenerios for it to happen bc it would HURT for him)

Maybe Kagami shoots back with anger, maybe Adrien’s been calm but Kagami gets mean for a moment, but regardless, Kagami says something about her true feelings of anger at nathalie/gabe/ etc and before Adrien can respond he’s like “oh shoot sorry I need to get home NOW”

Then for one brief second Kagami’s TERRIFIED that he’s going to tell nathalie about this in his anger and then nathalie’s going to be like “oh kagami is clearly bad for you because she made u this upset” and Adrien will LISTEN because hes stupid and he still listens to his horrible adult figures and Kagami is so mad about the entire situation so then in her moment of weakness she gets akumatized

Look at that its a direct opposite of Lukanette because Luka was afraid of Marinette keeping secrets about why she’s always vanishing because he doesnt know and Kagami is afraid of Adrien telling secrets about why HEs always vanishing bc she thinks she does know,,

But anyway, after she gets de-akumatized, she’s so ashamed of it and she can see how far she took it and how many people it hurt,, and Adrien is really sad and apologetic and trying to support her,, and she’s like “no clearly I was actually wrong, keeping this a secret is hurting you and its hurting me and now its hurting random civilians”

So she tells Adrien that they should tell people about it and stop dating in secret

And then multiple possible ending:

Does he say “actually no, youre right, they wouldnt let this happen, so if we cant date in public and dating in secret is hurting us then we shouldnt date at all” and thats how the breakup goes??? That would literally obliterate me

Does the episode end on a false positive where Adrien hasnt told them yet and he is like “yeah this is gonna be great” and there isnt an actual breakup yet?? Because that would also kill me (even though i doubt theyre going to let adrimi take up that much time in the show but, let me dream)

Also if Adrien is like “we shouldnt tell my parents but we should tell someone” and then they tell Marinette and now shes got ANOTHER secret to keep and aaaaaaaAAAAA?? Id die on the spot

I’m still holding out hope that the episode will give me enough crumbs to at least be able to write this better, but regardless of what happens in the episode,,, the chances of me eventually writing fanfiction exploring this are SO HIGH, I’ve been thinking about this for ages

In conclusion:

—no matter what happens in lies, its going to destroy me

—please let them be in a secret relationship it makes so much sense for their characters and for the drama and aaaaAAAAA

—also please give me the parallels to lukanette where their issues are exactly the opposite and it still falls apart

Thank you for your time, I’ll be excitedly vibrating at the speed of sound for the next two days until we get answers!! Depending on how the episode goes, I’ll either be writing so much adrimi fluff to recover,, so much adrimi angst to vent,, or I’ll be staring at the ceiling screaming for a few days as I post nothing but keysmashes and try to sort through my emotions :)

[iridescentides]

i watched the ep twice bc i didnt take notes the first time BUT. hsmtmts 2.04 thoughts under the cut

gina first. my favorite part of the episode was when she admitted that she feels out of place living in someone else’s house and that she wanted a bigger part in the play. i was SO worried they were gonna just let her happily sideline herself in a “yay she learned her lesson about not being the center of attention” kind of way bc i would not be able to handle that two seasons in a row. let her be angry!!! she has a lot to be upset about

the gina/carlos conflict was awful bc theyre making carlos unreasonably annoying this season. last season he was nice, he was enthusiastic, not competitive and just rooting for other people. idk why they needed to flip him so drastically to being spoiled, rich, selfish, pushy, and bitchy. and on top of that i have not been vibing with the pieces of dialogue theyve been giving him this season just to score woke points. its so unbearably obvious that even though hes a brown gay character, he was written by a white gay person who thought, on some level, that he was giving the gen z kids the #hashtag representation they wanted. his delivery of every line that screams “remember, im mexican” is so awkward, it doesnt land well, and im begging them to stop. they want so badly to commodify his character and parade him around as a “look how diverse our show is!” thing and im so so sick of it bc you can tell, with all the surface-level pieces of dialogue, that they dont actually care at all

(”look around, theres not a lot of me at this school” we GET it, this show wants to be glee so bad)

im honestly starting to slowly ship rina less and less. in season one i loved seeing someone make gina happy, especially since she had no friends before opening up to ricky. but now its just a whole mess and i wish she would love herself a lil more to realize that its not worth all this stress. he made a choice and no amount of conflicted moments of eye contact is going to fully take that back. im not necessarily against love triangle plots, but i HATE the whole “women wait around hopefully while male character, whose decisions have already hurt multiple people, makes up his mind” bullshit

that being said, gina handled the situation like a CHAMP, im dying over how quickly she was able to mask her pain and make the joke about the twix bar. im love her

we were absolutely ROBBED of an ej/big red performance this episode!!! i am at my LIMIT we better get gaston next week or i will riot

on the ej train, him not getting into duke was extremely predictable. we all kinda saw that coming and knew that would be his main point of growth this season. im glad they didnt wait super long to do it. now please @ writers i am BEGGING you to give my man more screen time than one scene per episode

its very odd that they keep making mr mazzara have emotionally tough conversations with the students. i will do a parallel gifset of those once the season ends. i liked his convo with ej for the most part, but he really didnt have to beat him over the head with the “youre an emotionless robot” thing again. its clear ej is gonna throw himself into av club or whatever (even though at the end of last season that was supposed to be big red?) and discover that he has a lot going for him. because he does, he literally has everything going for him, thats why they had to make his “problem” not knowing himself. bisexual ej caswell ftw

i love the parallels between ej and nini this episode? i think since the beginning ive felt that there was a lot about them under the surface that was similar. it was interesting seeing ej tell nini about duke first, instead of the obvious choice of ashlyn. i wouldve loved to see how that scene wouldve gone with ricky, gina, carlos, or big red though bc each reaction and attempt at comforting him wouldve been so different. i didnt love that nini had to be pulled away from the conversation, but im glad they can still talk to each other after everything that went down. and i love the juxtaposition of ej’s convo with mazzara directly following nini’s convo with miss jenn bc theyre essentially the same.

speaking of, i loved miss jenn in this episode. her stories are always so funny, but i loved seeing her care so much for nini and guide her, like a teacher. i loved how she pointed out that everyone who loves nini just wants her to be happy

im glad nini is leaving yac bc there was no good way to keep that up honestly. but im pretty annoyed that they were so obvious about it? like, they immediately made it the worst place in the world without exploring it very much. the place is super unrealistic, ive never been to drama school but im sure it wouldnt be like that. no creative arts place for KIDS would be so impossibly limiting. plus the weird bluish coloring in comparison to the nice warm tones of the rest of the show was, again, a dead giveaway. why send her to the school at all if it wasnt even gonna matter?

even though im glad nini left yac, im NOT looking forward to the way miss jenn is about to bend over backwards to put her in the play somehow. she plays obvious favorites and im so annoyed

(sidenote: nini just? decided to leave yac without consulting her parents??? ummm)

granted is a very good song, one of my faves so far

ricky deciding to tell nini he wants her to stay was stupid. what did he think that would accomplish? who in their right mind would drop out of a good school for you?

i loved when nini said yac was missing something, and miss jenn said “ricky” and nini said “you.” that was so so sweet and cute

i think the kourtney/howie thing is gonna grow on me. i hate amatonormativity so im not a big fan of them introducing a whole ass character exclusively so kourtney can have a love interest, but i loved the gesture he made of bringing her the pizzas and her flashcards. i feel like kourtneys love language is acts of service, and she was literally this meme when he did that for her:

i liked seeing ashlyn try to be there emotionally for gina! i want more of them together

overall this episode was okay. not enough songs, and i wish they were spreading out the emotional conversations through the season instead of packing them all into literally one episode, but what we did get was pretty good.

after watching the preview i see that next weeks episode is gonna be about carlos’s party, and i love party episodes. BUT i hope that after that ep we finally get an advancement on the north high stuff! i dont give too many fucks about lily, but i wanna see my son asher angel

[icharchivist]

though now that i’m done with ff15 this is kinda fun to me to look back to my history with this game

from how i used to watch the first trailers to FF13 Versus on youtube in 2007/2008 when i was 12/13 being obsessed with Noctis, falling out of video games only to be obsessed back with FF right on time in 2015 when i was 20 (when the ff7 remake was first announced) enough to get to the page on every little drama that happened in the production of ff15 as it went from ff13 versus to ff15 

to seeing people talk so much about the game i wanted to find a way to have it when it got released, that i ended up watching Brotherhood and Kingsglaive in preparation for that, and following every press announcement of ff15 so much so that i have so many magazines talking about it (and posters!!), as well as this period i remember we were theorizing (and even correctly predicting) the game together in the ff fandom as we were waiting , but well, never could actually play the game (couldn’t afford it/wasn’t allowed to use the TV anyway lol)  and justified to myself that anyway i would have been too overwhelmed/too bad at games to play it.

to have it spoiled to me in the next few weeks and losing mostly interest because the ff fanbase was salty as hell and every little argument against ff15 got stuck into my brain for years thinking the game must have sucked and then having a “actually why do i care about fandom opinions” awakening a couple years later that brought my interest back but i was far gone by then, so i just had a passive love for the chocobros and knew most of the plot but never would have played it anyway

in the meantime i had started to get more into PC gaming but it was on my old pc that couldn’t stand newer generations of games

and a couple years ago i remember waking up from dreams involving the chocobros and i was vibrating and obsessed with ff15 for days i kept talking about it, i ended up downloading the demo on my old computer and struggling through it but i was having a blast with the bros i didn’t care it was barely playing, and i was rambling about it so much that some of my friends decided to buy the game for me on steam, which i’m still so soft about....

i tried to play it more then, but after Chapter 2, especially with the magitek engine spawning, my PC really couldn’t keep up anymore and i couldn’t keep up with the game. My PC ultimately broke anyway and i didn’t touch the game anymore for a while. 

when i bought a gaming PC what was it, last year? i was too far removed from the game to play it again and i left it aside doing other stuff then.

and it took discussing about FF games with Peten who was mentioning how much bun loved ff15 for me to just. want to start playing it again. 

and i ended up finishing it in what, two weeks? 

idk it’s just. so wild to me because i’ve been thinking about Noctis and this game a lot since i’m 13, i still have this weird, perticular connection to the FF games due to this specific time of my life where i found so much comfort in just knowing about them. And then this call back to it in 2015 which was one of the most... specific years i’ve been through and the ff fandom was a place i felt very good, for a while at least. (ff and dgm have always been fandoms i’ve held very close to my heart if only for the timeperiod those were for me and what they brought me especially in my own understanding of myself - guess bc of the “i fell into it when i was 13, fell out of it, and came back when i was 20 realizing how much it had actually shaped who i am” way) And how i tried to play it when i still couldn’t really do it and was always a bit sad i couldn’t get through with it. And now finishing it in two weeks.

like. it’s a 13 years journey that i had since the first time i thought ‘i want to play this game” and having actually finished it. This is such a weird experience to me to look back on. 

All those moments of genuine interests that just couldn’t align with the state of my life then, and i guess it does reflect too on how my life changed in those 13 years. 

but it’s just, so weird to be able to get through and finish something i’ve wanted to try so many times in 13 years with always the feeling i could never actually do it. 

(it doesn’t help too that because of various reasons i had a bad track record on not managing to finish games that i kinda always had a fatalistic approach over it (between life getting in the way and the fact i struggle to focus very hard when i’m not 100% passionated), but those past few years i’ve been getting through that a lot more too and that too is something that’s wild to reflect on)

and now it’s here, it’s done, it’s over. It’ll keep a place in my heart and i’ll come back to it so i don’t mean it in a way to say it’s over, but it’s weird to finally kinda put a close to this whole thing. This trip that started 13 years ago, only accessible in the last 6 years, and has been finally seen to its end.

It’s another layer of making me emotional over it DLKJFDLK

so yeah. tons of thoughts about it tonight and about my history with ff in general linking to it (this is the third time i write this post bc i ended up going off the rail too in depth too in details the other times DKLFJDf) . It’s so weird. 

but there we are i guess. what a journey.

so yeah shout out to Peten for giving me the last push i needed but also to all the ff friends i had back in the days and that are still sticking around, whom i talked about the game with years ago now to see it all being over with now... I have a lot of thoughts and emotions about all of this all over again and my heart is full tonight. (and ofc shout out to the people who stuck around and indulged in my yelling, it’s just that.. man it’s SO WEIRD to get back to actually finish something that had had my interest for 13 years without being able to get through it and it’s even wilder to know there may be some people on there who knows and have seen this years back about me it’s just. so wild.)

what a trip. what a trip.

[m-feys]

for the fandom ask thing: ima be super predictable but im curious for your answers 😂😂 torchwood, janto, ianto

kjashdkjahsd thank you anon!!!! :D i got another ask with torchwood so im gonna answer that on that one and do janto and ianto for this

When I started shipping them: ooh this one is a little tricky bc i first encountered janto in doctor who fic, i hadnt watched torchwood at that point but i wanted fics about jack, so it comes with the territory. I think i was very sort of shocked by their kiss in cyberwoman and about the moment in they keep killing suzie cause how those happened so abruptly sort of took me kind of off gaurd, like i knew jack and ianto would be a thing but i didnt know how it would come about? I think i really started shipping them in captain jack harkness, when ianto said ‘jack needs me’ that just cemented their relationship for me and in end of days when Ianto was the one jack was holding onto.

My thoughts: they deserve to be happy!!! but really, this is just such a good ship, it really has everything, betrayal, reunions, the always tragic immortal/mortal, friends-to-enemies-to-friends-to-lovers. jack and ianto were unfortunately left with so much never resolved about their relationship, but they have a lot of depth to how they interact and there’s a lot of room for fans to make it their own

What makes me happy about them: they’re just really understanding of each other, like its canon they both have a hard time communicating but you can see they both give each other room in their relationship but still support one another

What makes me sad about them: its obvious that ianto’s death makes me really sad but more than that it’s the fact that he died so quickly, ianto and jack should have had 60-70 years together. its what they deserved. but jack will remember him no matter what

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: ianto so often gets forced into the more “submissive” role in the relationship, its so weird and it makes me really uncomfortable...

Things I look for in fanfic: communication. i love it when jack and ianto acknowledge their relationship, thats all, canon tried to deprive us of that, but no. fanfic comes thru

My wishlist: not??? entirely sure?? what this means??? I wish they hadn’t done a bury-your-gays with ianto

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: gonna say lisa for ianto, and for jack, eeeeh, idk, the doctor? not even like romantically, but as a life partner. I wouldnt mind if jack and the doctor traveled around together forever

My happily ever after for them: they get an house they decorate themselves and its all old antiques jack has has forever and random junk they accumulate together, along with iantos choice of curtains and carpet because, “no, jack, we will not be getting shag carpets in the house, I dont care if its great for sex, I don’t care if it was all the rage in the seventies, we’re not having shag carpets” also towels because ianto just has particulars about fabrics. they paint the walls themselves and end up covering in paint after jack smears it on ianto’s face and of course he retaliates. They’ll have house plants and at some point a case leaves loose ends and the end up adopting a kid. and ianto dies of old age and jack will remember him forever

oops that got long haha, but now ianto

How I feel about this character: I really love ianto!!! hes such an interesting character and he’s also just a lot of fun, like this “normal” young man who’s wrapped up in this strange organization but hes so good at what he does and on the outside he seems so unmoved by it all but he really feels so much, hmm i love him.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Jack of course!!! and Lisa as well, the two people he loves dearly.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Tosh and ianto’s friendship is my favorite!!! i wish we got to see more of them, i love them both so much

My unpopular opinion about this character: hmmmm, I wish people would appreciate ianto’s character a bit more for how strong he is and how much he’s overcome rather than just how traumatized he is. because yes, he’s canonically suicidal and he’s been through so much and he’s pretty young, but like, he also came out of it, and he carries it with him but he’s learned how to carry it, you know?? idk

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish his sexuality had been explored further, i know it has in some of the audio dramas but within the show i wish they had better acknowledged his attraction to men with someone outside of jack.

Favorite friendship for this character: oh oops i already said tosh up top, but i do consider tosh and ianto to have more of a brother/sister vibe anyway so for friendship i will say martha!!! i love her and ianto’s interactions, it would be nice to see them confide in each other about all kinds of stuff

My crossover ship: i have no idea, what would i even cross over with torchwood (im not gonna count doctor who as a crossover theyre the same thing basically) buuut, um, maybe ill cross it over with star wars and ship him with mando from his show, bc that would probably be cool, theyre both the type to be really tender in private moments and super distant in public so they’ll be cool with each other, and they’re both super dedicated to the people they love

[adamsvanrhijn]

@molesly sent an excerpt from what we must to get by (smithens on ao3) for the dvd commentary meme!

and it’s so long jesus why do i write dialogue with all these line breaks and beats (because that’s how people talk, womp womp)

so i guess the preemptive thing too here is that like, this fic is based off of a blatantly ahistoric and unrealistic concept, so i had to lean into that A Lot to make it work, and so there’s like far more than a nonzero amount of that bullshit going on here..............

here being, thomas and richard just having had intense passionate frustrated sex in a hotel room in harrogate, england and then after chilling out a bit calling the wife richard never mentioned having, aka my 1920s lesbian oc fred, for whom i would die

“Mr. Richard Ellis calling.”

A beat.

“Oh, thank goodness, I thought it might have been someone out of the Comptroller’s office — Molly’s over, but I’m back to work in a quarter of an hour, just darning a stocking.”

we got some flippant husband-wife interaction going on here....

fred is a lady’s maid and darning stockings is a lady’s maid thing. they reference the comptroller in the film (this being the man richard impersonates) and i’m like, not actually sure how all that works, handwave, but again, this fic is like, entirely handwave for reasons of What The Fuck Were You Thinking Julian Fellowes

For whatever reason, this makes Richard frown.

“Be ca – say hello for me.”

He isn’t looking at him, but he’s started rubbing his hand in circles upon his thigh.

He’s just as nervous as he is, Thomas realises, and he puts his hand — glove’s back on, now — flat upon his own and presses. Richard takes a deep breath.

richard “do as i say not as i do” ellis, king of telling people to be more cautious about their illegal activity and then absolutely not doing that, king of being semi-aware of this and trying to make a good impression on his new boyfriend and continually fucking up because he’s 100 feet deep in the closet

and thomas of course is having a really weird week and doesn’t want to fuck this up. 

“Mrs. Davies told me about the accident,” Fred says. Thomas obviously doesn’t know her well enough to get a sense of what she’s like over the phone, but she sounds guarded, to say the least, hesitant. “I’ve been worried sick, truly. How’s your cousin?”

“Rather a false alarm,” Richard says. “He’ll be quite all right, I hope, everything’s on the mend. I’m with him now, in fact.”

richard, guilt-tripping the fuck out of whoever is in charge of him in this scenario: my cousin has been in a grievous accident and is on his deathbed, since i’m already in yorkshire anyway can i just like, go up there and see him before he dies and then be back in london first thing tomorrow, You Won’t Even Know I’m Gone

i invented a third valet for the king of england (yes he would have had one) (i fucking know right) who is married just for like, the drama of it all (again, may i reiterate, none of these people irl would be married or have children, they would be fired if they did). anyway he tells his wife and his wife tells richard’s wife, who knows her husband and thus is like, oh i know exactly what’s going on here. king and queen of making shit up because you’re in the closet

honestly this fic was really fun because i got to be like, okay what IS historically accurate, and how can i alter that in a way that makes anything near resembling sense... fun 

“Well, then – can he hear me?”

“Yes.”

again..... she knows what he’s like... they’ve been married for 13 years... ok idk i f i can keep doing the line by line gonna jump down a bit

“Hello, Thomas.”

His mouth is suddenly dry. “Hello, er…” — what does he call her? what would a cousin-in-law call her? not Mrs. Ellis, and not Fred, either, he’s pretty sure, Richard made it sound like that was a private nickname, it’s not exactly common for a woman —

“Winnie,” she says.

“Winnie.”

When others might be listening, at least.

“It was so good of Richard to see to you, after what happened, the least he could do, really. I’m always telling him he ought to make time for family and such as he’s able.”

What she means, he can tell, is, sorry my husband fucked you over.

He likes her. Or he will, at least.

“Yeah, it's… a good thing he could make it.”

Again......... bitches be circumspect, etc. thomas is not used to this because he is in limbo at downton so there’s some hesitancy here. fred is absolutely being flippant in order to get the point across that she knows what’s going on. richard is internally putting his head in his hands and breathing heavy

also fred talks like an american and i’m aware of that and sorry not sorry...... that’s just how i wrote her.... i didn’t realise until i went thru again and was like aw fuck 

He doesn’t miss the start of a smile on Richard’s face, nor the sudden change to nonchalance when he notices Thomas noticing — but it’s there in his eyes, still.

Here come the butterflies again.

The relief of being on your way to forgiveness!!! The mortifying ordeal of being known! THEM!

thomas is not used to people wanting him around and valuing his presence (this is a theme in all of my thomas/richard fic tbh.... womp i’m predictable) and experiencing that makes him nervous and cautious and also.... perhaps feeling good.

“And the arrangements for care and whatnot, everything’s all honest and in good order?”

She’s exactly like Richard — articulate, maybe just a touch self-regarding. This is clearly a woman who thinks before she speaks.

“Think so, yes, or – it will be.”

He threads his fingers between Richard’s and underneath his hand, fingertips to palm.

“I’m so pleased to hear it.”

“As was I,” Richard says. He squeezes Thomas’s fingers. The pressure feels nice – must be a good day, though it helps that it’s warm outside and he got his blood flowing, probably.

i know fandom takes care of this pretty well but like, the fact that thomas never has problems with his hand again in the show? inch resting. there would absolutely be nerve damage and reduced grip strength and joint stiffness. he does do that flex and curl thing with his fingers a few times which i’ve probably gone overboard with but yeah. anyway just bringing it up. thomas is not often holding hands with people and he doesn’t know what it feels like especially on this hand so it is additionally surprising that it’s soothing i guess. idk i might have gone That Deep... embarrassing

When Fred speaks next, her voice is different; it’s lighter. She’s teasing him: “we ought to have you up to London soon as you’re feeling better; you’ve been on our minds, you know, and dear Richard speaks ever so highly of you – ”

“Say, Winifred, could you put Molly on?”

Thomas kicks him and hopes it comes off as affectionate and not catty.

Fred laughs, bright and sparkling.

“Sure thing.”

STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND >:-(

thomas is of course being affectionate AND a little catty. not enough he hears that people say nice thing about him.

anyway as i said above this entire fic was like really fun and also cathartic to write in some ways, because like, god, literally no other reason for that plotline to ever have come to anyone except for homophobia because it straight up just w o u l d n o t h a p p e n

it wouldn’t happen! it wouldn’t happen! what the fuuuuck

but it was fun to just be like, this by its nature cannot be historically accurate, so i can handwave some things and just go full melodrama, which, Let’s Be Honest, is really what they do with downton abbey in the first place, so you could say i’m just writing in the spirit of the show! if of course the spirit of the show had like 500% more gay in it

i want to go back and edit this fic too because i made some choice in as far as like, what to include goes bc i wanted to get chapters out (which i also did w ywntmha) and now i’m like hmmmmmmm maybe these things should be in this fanfiction after all.................. there’s like a hundred times more richard-being-a-servant in the drafts as well as some additional lesbian content so. maybe that’ll be added into the actual fic at some point in the next 12 weeks; we’ll see!!!!

[amethyst-noir]

Not "your" anon here but. What about something with us seeing Tony fall in love with Stephen first (so many fics make it the other way around with all the futures Stephen saw), being the one looking out for him and caring for him and respecting him and Stephen being clueless about it bc Tony flirts with everyone, bc Stephens not his usual type, bc he didn't think this timeline would have the chance to end up like some of the rare ones where they're together so he never even entertained the idea

I promised something for sunday, didn’t I? So, here it is.

TW for talk about dubious consent in sexual situations and planned suicide.

Tony piningafter Stephen? I can do that! It’s about time I tried the other way round. I’mpretty unsure about this one since got a lot darker than intended, but here weare. At least it has a happy ending! Every warning up there is for the past;they’re both in a much better place when this story takes place and an evenbetter one when it ends. ;) The title is, once again, sponsored by Enigma. (It’s cliché, yes, but it fits and I love it.)

The Gravity of Love

“Bye, Pep!” Tony smiledat Pepper and waved at her until the doors of the elevator had closed behindher. He turned around to his last remaining guest. “That went well, don’tyou think so?” The smile vanished and left behind a tired and exhaustedman who just wanted to fall into bed and forget everything for a few shorthours. He hated parties, even when they were his own and all the guests werefriends. “Stephen?” he asked when he didn’t get an answer.“You’re okay?”

“What? Sorry, I waselsewhere.” Stephen shook his head as if to clear it from unwantedthoughts and looked around. “Am I the last one? I should go, too.”

No, you shouldn’t. Stay here.I don’t want to be alone tonight. The words were there, had been revised forabout a hundred times, and he’d just have to say them. He wanted to reach outand touch Stephen, beg him to stay. He could stay up for a little while longerjust for the pleasure of his company. “Okay,” he said instead,resigned. “Do you want FRIDAY to let you out or will Sir travel viaportal?” He knew the answer but he got a smile which was all he’d wantedin the first place.

“Portal,” was theshort answer. Stephen seemed tired, too, and instant transport was heaven-sent.No that he’d ever come or gone any other way. A short good-bye, followed by theorange glow of magic, and Tony was left alone in an apartment that was far toobig for one person alone.

“Well, let’s dothis,” he whispered to himself. “FRIDAY? Please turn everything down.Wake me up at the usual time.”

“Yes, boss.Goodnight.”

“Night.”

He didn’t have a drop ofalcohol so it was pure exhaustion that made him stumble and crash into thedoorframe on his way to the bedroom.

*

“Yes, that would belovely. Call my assistant to make an appointment.” Tony’s skin crawled buthe was used to being nice and charming to people he just wanted to throw outthe nearest window. He gave the senator the sincerest fake-smile in hisrepertoire and fought to keep it on his face as the guy took his offered hand.If they weren’t in a public setting the man’s hands would be all over Tony andhe really didn’t know how he’d react to that. Not as well as in thepast, he feared. His tolerance for buying his favors this way had droppedsignificantly over the years and by now he preferred to make his deals becausethey were right, not because he threw a lot of money on someone or haddropped down to his knees for another kind of payment.

He was still busy trying todiscreetly wipe his hand on his trousers when Stephen came up to him. “Hada nice chat?” Stephen asked and looked at the departing senator who wasstill radiating an air of satisfaction. “He seems to be happy.”

If there had been even a traceof jealousy in the words the ordeal he’d just went through would have beenworth it. But so? “Yes, the best. We all got what we wanted. More orless.” The tired resignation was creeping in again and Tony fought againstit. The award ceremony had only just begun and he had a speech to make in aboutten minutes. He forced himself into an even straighter posture, hid his handsbehind his back and tried to project an air of confidence.

Stephen didn’t look a Tony, sohe’d missed the moment of weakness. He’d only seen the way Tony had moved intothe other man’s space, how he’d smiled and how he’d initiated the hand contact.Tony was friendly with almost everybody and it was hard to watch. One ofthe reasons why he’d chosen to stay on the sidelines. He didn’t want to bedragged further into Tony’s life and have to watch from even closer distancehow the man flirted with everybody who crossed his path, male or female alike.It would have been too easy to get jealous otherwise.

Tony went away to his speechand Stephen closed his eyes, desperately trying to push aside the memories of atimeline where he’d stood proudly besides him as the accepted his award.

*

“You okay, Stephen?”

“Yes, yes, I’mfine.” Stephen ignored the helping hand being offered to him and forced himselfto stand up unaided. All the while he looked over the battlefield to see wherehe could be of use. Over there! He’d portaled away to put the last of theblue-green monsters out of its misery.

Tony was only glad that theIron Man mask hid the flash of disappointment on his face. “Goodluck,” he whispered before he threw himself back into the fight.

*

Tony had known pretty muchfrom the start that it was futile. Stephen never acknowledged his overturesin any way but he still couldn’t stop. The fragile friendship that had startedin the ruins of Titan had not only survived the temporary death of one of thetwo parties, no, it had risen from the ashes and over time had become the real,solid thing.

Of course, Tony had tosabotage one of the few good and uncomplicated things in his life by falling inlove with his new friend but that was only to be expected. He tended to formattachments quickly and then, after a while, something happened and it allended in flames. Or a bunker in Siberia. One couldn’t be too picky. Only two ofhis friendships had really stood the test of time, the third one had fluctuatedbetween friendship and romance for years before Pepper and he finally realizedthat they worked better as friends than lovers. She was and would always be theonly woman he’d ever truly loved, but she was not the one.

But Doctor Stephen Strange?Became a friend, yes. Tony, predictably, fell in love with him, yes. Butnothing else happened. No big drama that broke them apart, no big revelationthat forced one or the other to confess their feelings. They just stayedfriends. Very good friends but nothing more.

It was what Stephen wanted,Tony told himself and tried to keep his hands to himself whenever he wanted toreach out and touch the other man. Besides, he didn’t even know if Stephenliked men that way. In that regard he was still as much of a mystery as on thefirst day. Maybe even more, because Tony swore that there’d been flirting whenthey first met.

Stephen had known form the momenthe came back from the dead. He’d opened his eyes and looked into the exhaustedbut happy face of one Tony Stark. “You did it,” he’d whispered inawe. Tony had just looked at him and helped him up. Further words weren’tnecessary. Then, Tony had gone away to go back to Peter and Stephen hadshivered, suddenly cold.

But only for a moment becauseTony was back a moment later and dragged him out of the shadows and into thelight to meet the rest of the Avengers.

Stephen had fallen in love inthat moment but Tony was engaged and while Stephen Strange was many things hewasn’t a homewrecker. He didn’t have time for a relationship anyway. He toldhimself the same story again and again when the engagement broke apart and hespent a few nights consoling a grieving Tony. Tony would find somebody else, hewas sure of that.

After a while he managed tobanish his longing into his subconscious and to mostly forget about it.

*

“I used to let guys fuckme just to get what I wanted.” The words dropped into the silence like abomb. “It was always for something. A business-deal, some patent I reallywanted to have, you name it, I’ve let them do me for it. That’s why I alwayswent after women when I had the choice.” The bomb left an even loudersilence behind.

“Tony,” Stephen said,helplessly, after an age had passed. After a moment of hesitation he reachedout and put his hand on Tony’s arm. His hand shook even more than usual. Tonydidn’t flinch, too high on painkillers after his shoulder surgery to care. Itwas Stephen who suddenly needed the contact. He didn’t know how to react, whatto do. Everything he could think of was just too trite and too much of a clichéto be of help. Nightmarish images danced through his imagination and so manythings suddenly clicked into place. He felt sick. He wanted to gather Tony inhis arms to protect him from the undeserving world he had so often protected atsuch a great cost. He wanted to whisper reassuring nothings into his ear, hewanted to be the exception. He wanted to run away and never come back. Was ittoo late to go back and choose another timeline?

Tony didn’t look at him buthis voice was strong and sure. “I don’t tell you that because I want yourpity. I just though you have a right to know. You know, considering the stuffthat was going around… I always knew what I was doing and I was never forced.”He grimaced. “Or at least I still won in the end, no matter what they didto me.”

The pictures, Stephenrealized. The goddamn pictures of a very young and very drunk Tony Stark, onhis knees, while the campaign manager of some long-gone politician held hishead in place, that had surfaced a couple of months ago and almost causedTwitter to crash. Tony had gone on record, gave a very convincing show of itbeing a harmless one-night stand, and the topic had vanished relatively quicklyfrom the media. The other guy had long since died, the photographer too, and Tonyhadn’t tried to hide. It had been old news in record time. Thanks to FRIDAY theevidence had pretty much completely vanished from the web and a man who refusedto be ashamed wasn’t that interesting.

Stephen hadn’t forgotten butwondered. “You don’t have to tell my anything,” he finally said.

“I know. I just wantedyou to know. Pepper, Rhodey and Happy know, too. It’s only fair.”

“So now I’m officiallypart of the family?” Despite everything Stephen had to smile. Heappreciated the immense trust placed into him and vowed to be worthy of it.

“Stephen, you’ve beenpart of my family for a long time now. It’s only right that you’ll know about thecorpses in the bedroom, too.” Tony fell asleep before Stephen could reactto that bombshell.

*

It went on like this. Yearspassed, their friendship was cemented in blood, magic and iron, battles werefought and lost, triumphs were shared.

Tony wanted and stayed silentwhile Stephen managed to suppress every bit of carnal desire he may have feltand channeled everything into his magic.

They weren’t in that kind oftimeline he’d concluded at long time ago.

Too bad that he’d never toldTony that.

*

The next time it was Stephenwho was high on painkillers and couldn’t control what came out of his mouth.

“I gave myself threeyears,” he said. His voice was deep, raspy and barley there. No wonder,some extradimensional thing with too many tentacles had tried to choke himbefore slamming him into the nearest building. The Cloak saved him from theworst but he’d still cracked some of his vertebrae. Wong had him immobilized bymagic while a healing spell worked it’s wonders but it couldn’t do anythingagainst the pain. It fell to western medicine to supply relief in the meantime andto Tony to apply it after careful instruction through Christine who checked inevery few hours. The medication unfortunately meant that Stephen couldn’tescape into his astral form and had to suffer through everything while beingimprisoned in this body. It was a waiting game and Tony was determined to sitthrough it until the end.

“Three years forwhat?”

Stephen’s eyes were open, sohe was still awake, but he was staring into some other world were Tony couldnot follow. Come back, he wanted to beg. I’m here, I’m waiting foryou.

“For me to find some wayto get my hands working again.” The spell impeded him from raising them.It was pure instinct that made Tony reach for the nearest one and hold it. Itwas the left, the more painful, almost always bandaged, one. He hoped thatStephen could feel the light touch through the haze of medication but if so hedidn’t react to it.

“And after that?”Tony didn’t want to hear the answer, feared that he already knew it.

Stephen ignored him andcontinued to stare into eternity. “I should have died in that car. I knewit back then, had no idea what was still waiting for me. I gave myself threeyears to get back where I was before. If I didn’t manage that I promised myselfto finish the job that the accident started.”

“Stephen, don’t,” hebegged but was ignored.

“I had everything plannedout. I had even managed to save enough of my painkillers to finish me off. Itwas hard, back then I was pretty much addicted to them, but I’ve always beenstubborn.” The ghost of a smile. “That’s always been myproblem.”

“Why are you telling methis now?”

“Today is the tenthanniversary of me finding my way to Kamar-Taj. Two weeks before the deadlinewas over.” Tony swallowed. Two weeks and he would never have met thisamazing man. “I’ve brought the pills with me, of course.” Stephenwasn’t finished. “I decided to try this mystic magic something and then goquietly in to that good night. The night didn’t want me.”

“I’m glad itdidn’t.” Tony didn’t know what else to say. He had tears in his eyes andhis throat felt constricted as if he was the one being strangled. He looked atStephen’s bruised throat and had to fight back a new wave of tears. I loveyou. He still wasn’t strong enoughto say the words and hear nothing back.

“I’ve tried dying afterbecoming a Master of the Mystic Arts but you know how that worked out. Death stilldidn’t want me. At least not permanently.”

What the fuck?!“Stephen, what’s going on? Don’t tell me you’re dying on me and this is yourdeathbed confession!”

“No. I just wanted you toknow.” He finally looked at Tony. “About one of my corpses. After tenyears it’s about time. And this is the first time in seven years that I can’tfeel the pain. I’m not allowed to forget about it.”

After Stephen lost his fightagainst the meds and finally fell asleep Tony cried. For Stephen, forhimself, for them. About how fucking unfair life was.

*

“Don’t leave me.”This time it was Stephen who had tears in his eyes, begging an unmercifuluniverse for another, a last chance. Kneeling in the dirt of another world,again, trying to stop Tony from bleeding to death with shaking hands and thelast shreds of his magic. “I love you.” The admission came easilyover his lips, finally. “I have for a long time.”

He didn’t get an answer butTony smiled at him and Stephen could finally see the truth. They’d been in oneof those few timelines all along and he’d been too stupid and blind to see it.

There had to be a way. He’dchosen the timeline where Tony lived, after all. Stephen closed his eyes andsearched for the last remnants of his power. I will save you.

*

Twelve years. They’d selectedthe date on purpose. The twelfth anniversary of the accident that shattered hishands and almost cost him his life; nine years after the moment he’d planned todie at, Doctor Stephen Strange stood on sheltered terrace of the SanctumSanctorum. Behind him the Cloak of Levitation escorted the last of their guestsoff the premises before it came back to watch over them. Stephen stood behindthe man he’d sworn six hours ago to love, honor and protect for the rest of hislife and held him in a lose embrace. “I love you.” He’d said thewords a thousand times in the last year, as if to make up for all the yearsthey’d lost to mutual stubbornness and Stephen’s unwillingness to just look atwhat was right in front of him.

Tony, older, wiser and stillso incredible beautiful that it hurt, turned around and rested his head onStephen’s shoulder. “I know.” He kissed Stephen, slow and gentle,familiar by now. “I love you, too. Tell me again.”

Stephen did.

=/\=

[intothespideyverses]

so I had a season 2b/3 predictions post in my drafts that’s been sitting there since the bar mitzvah episode but now that so many Things have happened I feel like I kinda need to redo it. funnily enough I predicted juffy (but it was one-sided), ham having a midlife crisis (although the midlife crisis was linked to ham having a health scare that caused him to try to ‘live every day like its his last’ and not ham being so Done with his family that he just leaves them for india) and the post also mentions tyrus and g*briel coming back (neither have been been confirmed yet but they’re very likely) so! here’s my New and Improved list of Season 3 Predictions/Ideas:

[Disclaimer: I doubt a lot of this will happen bc my mind automatically goes for the most melodramatic scenario. This is still disney channel and they’re too cowardly to go thru with like half of this tbh. also tw for minor abuse mention!]

The G*briel Plot

-g*be comes back and reminds bex of “””why she can never marry anyone””” just as bowie is about to bring up maybe getting back together again. the reason why they shot a wedding scene and the whole green screen thing is bc bex has a nightmare about marrying bowie but then everyone’s heads turn into gabe’s. the following is literally copy and pasted from the first post and tbh I don’t think things will happen this way anymore (I originally thought miranda wasn’t going to be a snake and that her and bowie would get married, leading bex to run back to g*briel so andi could have a father figure in her life again) but it’s still a p interesting plot I think so: g*be’s an abusive asshole. it’s still disney so I doubt they’d show that much but like…he’s very manipulative and he kisses bex really hard all the time in front of everyone and he’s super possessive, etc. he gives bex the silent treatment every time she hangs out with bowie and thus the whole “ask if they’re mad 3 times” thing and on the third time he always yells at her in front of andi. andi notices all of this and tells bowie but bowie thinks she’s just saying that to break bex/gabe up so she can get back with bowie. that is until he witnesses the tomfoolery himself when the couples are on a double date so bowie takes her aside and starts questioning her but bex lies and this whole ugly thing continues on for several episodes until bex and satan have one last fight that goes too far (he says something about andi probably) thats about to get physical and andi strolls in w/ a phone in her hand like 91 fucking 1 bitch. pack your bags ur going home rat! and he’s finally gone and andi tells bex that she doesn’t need another dad if it means bex puts herself thru that kinda torture. and they have another closure ceremony <3

The Divorce Plot

-ham decides to permanently travel the world. he probably comes back for an episode to get cece to sign them divorce papers. this starts a huge plotline that will probably get ignored after 2 episodes lbr here but we finally see cece SNAP bc the way she’s been behaving lately has definitely been leading up to that

-bex is going off the rails at this. she starts slacking at work and the business that caused the rift in her parents’ marriage in the first place is starting to fall apart. the light bill is going unpaid and bex is crumbling. she doesn’t want anyone to know so she makes andi stay at cece’s while she’s living in darkness. bowie visits one day and is like “tf happened to the lights” and bex has a breakdown. she tells him everything and bowie comforts her and offers to help (how? who the hell knows!). bex is so touched that she admits to having feelings for bowie still. bowie turns her down tho bc she’s in a rly emotional state and doesn’t want to take advantage of her. 

-andi eventually finds out what’s been going on and tells cece. cece is the last person bex wanted to know about cloud ten struggling, as cloud ten was the only thing keeping cece sane. they eventually have a heart-to-heart and bex/andi encourage cece to get some closure from ham

The Wandi Plot/Death of Jandi

-wandi rises. they resolve to just be friends at the end of season 2 but after a lot of things that I’ll mention later, andi realizes walker was the one for her :’). they paint a mural alongside cloud ten and cece makes some offhand comment about them becoming a painting duo, which they LOVE. they go around the town offering to paint on the walls of local businesses and it’s rly cute. god can you imagine the montages?? andi is in puppy love however we have like 5 episodes of her despairing over if walker even LIKES her anymore after months of just being friends. the roles are reversed and she’s the one doing all these things to get his attention. bc he’s not an oblivious Fool like jonah, walker picks up on this relatively fast and wandi is official!!

-that leads us to what will come of jandi? they perish of course. andi starts getting jealous of jonah hanging out with all these high school girls and naturally there’s more and more miscommunication and jonah whines about her friendship with walker etc etc etc just break up already god. andi eventually realizes that she’s just not feeling it and she puts her foot down to bex that he’s just not right for her!! bc tbh at this point the only reason she still fw jonah is bc of bex’s constant encouragement 

The Tyrus Plot

-tyrus happens obviously. if we ever actually get a real apology from tj (which I’m doubting at this point lol) this can happen smoothly. I kinda imagine tj trying to teach cyrus how to swim (swimming is definitely on cyrus’ list of things he can’t do) and the first time it happens tj is SO sure cyrus will be able to do it that he lets him go out on the deep end on his own and uh lmao ya boi almost drowns. buffy’s there and she saves him and she tells tj to stay away from cy bc hello he could’ve McDied and tj, crushed over the fact that cyrus could’ve met a watery grave, actually does what she says. cyrus tells buffy that it was his dumbass decision to go on the deep end tho, and tj didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do, so buffy relents. cyrus practices by himself and makes it his goal to learn how to swim in order to impress tj. he invites tj to the neighborhood pool one day as a surprise and he just like...cannonballs into the deep end (but he’s STILL not ready) and again almost fucking dies. tj saves him and he starts yelling at him a la titanic (”you’re SO stupid rose why’d ya do that huh???”) and then tj lets it slip that he would’ve mcfreaking lost it if something ever happened to cyrus bc “you mean a lot to me underdog” or w/e and during this whole rant cyrus realizes that he’s floating!! and he’s like yes bitch i did it im swimming! and tj’s so happy for him that he kisses him and cyrus almost drowns again from shock but it’s all good lol. maybe tj avoids him for a bit after the kiss bc cyrus’ reaction seemed like a rejection, but it wasn’t cyrus was honestly just shook to the core. 

-cyrus lets tj know that he likes him too and they start dating. they definitely keep it a secret from the ghc for a while, probably until the midseason finale. maybe jonah finds out first and that’s how cyrus comes out to him and tells him that he used to have a crush on him too. jonah is flattered and cool w/ it. anyway at first tj doesn’t like going on rly public dates with cyrus, not bc he’s ashamed of him or anything, but bc he doesn’t want anyone to make fun of cyrus (he can take ugly remarks but he’d hulk out if anyone touched a hair on cyrus’ head). cyrus doesn’t care tho and the one time they go on a date, some kids from tj’s school (he’d be in high school by season 3 right?) start messing with them. tj does in fact hulk out but only when one of the demons says something about cyrus. cyrus hauls tj off the creep and they talk in private about not wanting to live in fear but also not wanting to get harassed everywhere they go. when cy tells andi, she tells them that maybe they’d be safer if they went on double dates with her and walker, and so that’s a thing and its cute

The Juffy Plot

-anyway by the season 3b, both wandi and tyrus are thriving. they all hang out a lot leaving buffy to feel like a fifth wheel. she hides it tho bc does she ever express her feelings? she soon finds out that jonah is feeling the same way, and he thinks andi and cyrus don’t rly want to hang out with him anymore. buffy starts inviting jonah to all their outings and anytime the two couples are on a double date or something, buffy and jonah decide to do something else together on their own. cyrus takes note of this and tries to push buffy to ask jonah out since they’re practically dating already but she refuses bc he’s still andi’s ex and that violates girl code or w/e. 

-she goes to bex for advice! but she uses a hypothetical situation instead and changes names. bex, unaware that she’s telling buffy to go after her daughter’s ex, tells her to follow her heart but keep it a secret. meanwhile, jonah is slowly but surely realizing his feelings for buffy, and goes to bowie for advice. bc jonah’s a fool, he doesn’t know buffy has any feelings for him whatsoever, and he asks bowie how he can make her see him That Way. bowie, recycling ideas, tells him to perform a song for her but to do it as if he was just practicing and wanted to see if she thought it was a good song. jonah also doesn’t tell bowie that this is all for buffy lol. 

-so jonah invites buffy to the record store to hang out while wandi and tyrus are doing wandi and tyrus things. he plays some song for her (chemistry perhaps?? i still haven’t heard it yet but if its as good as y’all say...) and buffy is all heart eyes!! until she assumes that he wrote that song for another girl. there’s more unnecessary tiptoeing and drama for an episode until jonah notices that there’s something Up with buffy (she started avoiding him) and demands to know what’s going on. she doesn’t feel like talking about fEeLiNgS so instead he challenges her to arm wrestle. if she wins, she has to fess up. buffy’s like “um?? so all I have to do is let you win” but jonah’s like “like you would ever do that lmao”. she almost lets him win but bc he starts taunting she slams his mf arm into the table!! she fesses up and jonah’s like :D bc duh bitch that song was for you this whole time. they keep it a secret bc of bex’s foolish advice but eventually cyrus finds out and tells them to tell andi. andi’s upset at first but she gets over it. the three couples live in harmony 

The High School Plot

-we see more of the high school now that jonah (and tj?? unless he has to repeat a grade which is seeming likely actually) are there. jonah, who’s used to being the big man on campus, gets bullied for liking frisbee so much and is shamed into doing a “real sport” instead. he hates it and is miserable. he puts on a good face for the ghc bc he doesn’t want them to know he’s struggling. it eventually all comes crashing down when he has another panic attack (the first one in a while after starting therapy WHICH HE BETTER). also we get a look at his home life, I hc that he’s adopted and has a lot of foster siblings that have a lot of their own issues, so he constantly downplays his own bc he doesn’t want to be a “burden” and be abandoned again

-amber becomes a part of the crew and hopefully maybe just maybe is a lesbian. she starts hanging out with a bunch of sapphic baddies. she and jonah become friends and they help each other with their respective mental illnesses 

-through jonah, buffy makes friends with the high school track lesbians <3 they adopt her. one of them tho is Evil and is jealous that some middle schooler is getting all of this attention from the captain so she tries to break buffy’s fucking leg akjhskjdhds I told y’all this was melodramatic 

das it. disney you can send my paycheck to [redacted] within 10-12 business days.