#bc if you don't help others when they need help then who is going to help you when you need it?
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nothing i don’t have | pjs (1)
pairings! park jongseong x reader, ft. huening kai x reader
summary! it was supposed to be simple, you and jay would fuck whenever either of you felt horny — no feelings. but it was hard not to catch feelings where park jongseong was involved. so you took the easy way out: you ended it.
genre! texts, written fic, college au, love triangle (corner)
word count! 1500
content warnings! swearing, jay is delulu and jealous
author's note! toenze is my new roman empire... i don't think i'll ever shut up about it. also realistically i'm only posting this bc yolo since i have nothing ???
masterlist | next
It didn’t affect Jay anyhow, really. That you ended whatever the two of you had for another guy. Like, this was all just casual. And you still wanted to be friends which was exactly what the two of you were before… so not much had to change between the two of you. Other than, well, the lack of physical intimacy.
He didn’t care, really. It wasn’t like you were the only girl he hooked up with (you were) or that he couldn’t get any other girls, but… you ending the situationship was kind of exactly why he liked you. Because you understood everything was casual and there were no expectations, no feelings. The others, they always got attached.
And, look, Jay understood that maybe he was being too nice or whatever, but it was in his nature to help out when necessary, or to cook for people in the morning — it wasn’t like he made breakfast only for those girls anyway. He had roommates to feed, too.
You ended the deal because you had no feelings for him. Which was exactly what he wanted. So why the fuck did it bother him so much? And for Huening Kai, no less? The tall emo kid that barely spoke and people thought he was being mysterious or whatever.
What could you possibly see in him?
What did he have that Jay didn’t?
Jay let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair, eyes still fixated on the conversation between you and him. So Huening Kai asked you out. And you liked him enough to say yes. That was certainly not on his bingo card. Realistically, he thought the type of guys you liked were someone like Sung Hanbin or Choi Soobin or… him. Not Huening Kai.
What the hell?
“What’s up? Someone steal your cat?” Heeseung entered the shared living room with a grin. Jay had to dryly laugh at the irony of his question since, in a way, yes.
“Nah. It’s Y/N,” Jay replied, trying to sound nonchalant. “Wants to be just friends.”
“Damn, got tired of you already?” Heeseung teased, but he knew not to go further when Jay’s scathing glare nearly burned him. “What did she say?”
“Huening Kai asked her out and she said yes.” Jay shook his head. You and Kai weren’t even dating yet, and you already wanted to be exclusive with him? Why? Who even does that?
“Oh, Kai? He’s got music classes with me,” Heeseung said with a grin. “He knows how to play like five instruments. He’s kinda cool. A band kid, too. Pretty sure he has a band.” Jay didn’t need to know any of that. Not yet anyway. And then Heeseung added: “I think he was planning to ask Y/N out for a while. I caught him asking around about her once.”
Jay clenched his jaw. How long had you been talking to Kai before he asked you out? Was it out of nowhere or did you befriend him before? Which gave him another reason to be upset because if you did befriend him before, you didn’t tell Jay anything. In fact, you hadn’t been telling him anything about yourself or your life for a while now.
Which stung.
“Kai’s a good guy. You should be happy for her.” Heeseung made a point, giving Jay a long, meaningful look. There was more he wanted to express, but chose to not push his limits.
Jay huffed.
Thinking about it, maybe he’d have actually preferred it if you were in love with him.
Upon entering the Sanctuary Café, you noticed that it was already packed. But you were instantly recognised by Taehyun, who greeted you with a bright smile and led you toward a table that was empty, save for your reservation. It was in front of the stage set up for live performances, and it occurred to you then that Kai’s surprise was very likely just that. He prepared a performance for you.
Your eyes widened as you stared at the stage. It had a full instrument set up for a band. Drums, bass, keyboard and an electric guitar. The sight of it made you think of Jay for a bit, but you shook your head and got rid of the thought.
This would be your first date with Kai. The boy who actually doesn’t only want to sleep with you, but also wants to do everything else that real relationships include. Like holding hands and hugging in public and being affectionate without being judged. (The things you wished you could’ve had from Jay.)
A group of three guys entered the stage, none of which were Huening Kai. They glanced toward your table every now and then with a knowing smile, though. You watched them set up their instruments — the guitarist, the bassist and keyboardist. But the drums were empty.
Because of course, he knew how to play the drums. He was a genius that never flaunted his skills, and the reality of it hit you just now. Huening Kai was a drummer — which was actually sexy as hell.
“Hello, everyone, welcome to the Sanctuary Café,” the guitarist spoke into the microphone with the largest smile. He had a cute dimple as well, and you thought he perfectly fit Kai — whenever he wasn’t closing in on himself. “I’m Kim Taerae, lead singer and guitarist of our band, Toenze. We’ve prepared a very special performance today because one of our members wants to dedicate it to a special girl.”
A round of awes went through the crowd. You looked around in hopes of catching a glance of Kai, but he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, your eyes locked with a person you did not expect to see today — at all.
Jay stood at the back of the café with Heeseung by his side, and you wished you could unsee him. Your heartbeat raced, and your mind felt like you needed to come up to him and apologise. But what would you even be apologising for?
“On my left is our bassist, Choi Beomgyu, and on the keyboard, you’ve got Han Yujin. And, of course, we’re missing a key member — the drummer,” Taerae spoke lightly, his smile hearable in his voice. “Some of you already know him from our previous performances, but for those who have yet to meet him — please give a round of applause to Huening Kai!”
Kai wasn’t even inside the café. He entered through the main door in a dark grey hoodie, the hood covering his face. The whole shop held its breath as he looked up. And when his eyes met yours, a smile spread across his lips. Taking off his hood, he revealed his face and carefully styled bangs.
From the pocket of his hoodie, he pulled out a bouquet, and when he aimed through the crowd toward you, your heart nearly melted. All thoughts of Jay being here, too, evaporated from your mind. All you could think about was Huening Kai, looking beautiful as ever, heading toward you with a bouquet of flowers.
“For you, my lady.” He knelt down to hand you the flowers, and you stared at him with wide eyes. Grinning, he winked before standing up and heading toward the stage, leaving you absolutely flustered and frozen in place.
“Hello, everyone! This performance is dedicated to the girl that didn’t reject me. It’s for you, Y/N,” he said into the mic jokingly, but there was a hidden meaning behind his words.
The memory of how he asked you out lingered, and you giggled. You could still picture him, approaching you with his hands hidden in the pockets of his jeans. And then he asked you, in the most embarrassing way possible, if you were dating Jay. The smile that spread on his lips when you said that what you had with Jay was only casual was an unforgettable sight, really.
“I can make you forget him,” was Kai’s closing argument, and the confidence with which he had said it sent shivers down your spine. You couldn’t possibly reject him then.
Jay’s glare was palpable. You could feel it at the back of your neck, but you ignored him. Why was he glaring at you anyway? If there were no feelings involved, he shouldn’t care about any of this.
“The first song we prepared for today is called Higher Than Heaven,” Taerae informed the crowd. “And the second song is Kill the Romeo. Hope you guys like them!”
Both songs were amazing, and both conveyed one pretty clear message: I’m better than him. You couldn’t help but laugh and enjoy yourself while Kai’s band performed. They were good — really good. And eventually, you even stopped sensing Jay’s gaze burning through you.
Naturally, you turned around to check on the spot where Jay had previously been. Except he wasn’t there. Instead, you were met with Heeseung, who shrugged when he noticed you looking at him.
“He left,” Heeseung mouthed.
#enhypen#enhypen fic#enhypen ff#enhypen x reader#park jongseong fic#park jongseong x reader#enhypen angst#enhypen fluff#park jongseong#enhypen jay#haia writes
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[rez]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Anyway
Hope Castor can help Lunar.
Or atleast point him in the right direction.
I think Lunar is finally facing himself really.
And I understand wanting him out of the house but like- why are they surprised he ran away?
Thats like what Lunar does? He ran for months after he died, him running away is par for the course. And he was gone for three days because he was in jail? They didn't even accept that, they just got mad at him for running. As if Monty hadn't actually decided he was gonna kill Lulu.
Like Lunar would probably be dead if he'd stayed, or atleast injured.
'We do still love you and youre still our little brother'
-They say as they irepibly damage any and all trust Lunar had in them at the moment and in the future.
Moon I understand you want him to actually face consequences but there's no going back from this!
Lunar will never trust you, or anyone else in this family, again.
Castor pleasepleaseplease be the one who finds him.
Ohhh how I want to see more Pollux and Castor interactions bc as I said in another ask that idk if you received Cas almost seems to be avoiding talking to her specifically about Lulu.
That or Lunar gets kidnapped again.
More specifically by the creator so gem (or even just Cas) have to save him
But with Gemini separate there's also the possibility rez or someone else targets one of the twins while the other is away so thatd be neat.
ALL OF THIS NODNODNOD!!!!!!
I think Castor choosing to help Lunar while Pollux doesn't would be really interesting from a Gemini perspective. They're the twins, they make up one astral, one constellation together. If they truly become divided over this, I would be deeply fascinated to see where it goes from there since we got so used to seeing them as Gemini—a collective entity—rather than themselves.
And YEAH LIKE. Listen. I know that to the family, because they don't actually have the full picture, it looks like Lunar is just a loose canon that attacked Earth in a fit and then dipped. But also LUNAR TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THEY WERE IN LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF RETURNING SOONER BC THEY WERE JAILED AND THEN REZ PUT THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLOBE. AND MOON JUST WENT "I DON'T CARE." LIKE CMON 😭 "why were you gone for 3 days" "i was jailed and then left in russia" "whatever i dont care" MOON WHEN I GET YOU.......
THE "I LOVE YOUS" BETWEEN IT ALL YEAH.
I'm sorry but no amount of "you are family and we love you" is going to lessen the blow of "you have basically been squatting in my house (that i invited you into and you've been paying rent for) and you're a danger to this entire family so I want you to never speak or get near any of us until you sort yourself out." ESPECIALLY WHEN MOON SAID "YOU'RE LUCKY I EVEN STILL CONSIDER YOU FAMILY" LIKE I'M SORRY BUT THAT'S WILD. Again, I understand Moon in this situation. That does not mean I don't think he wasn't insanely rude LMAO 😭
Exactly like you said, Moon cannot undo this. Lunar has always looked up to old Moon and so I cannot imagine how much more it hurts coming from him. I honestly can't imagine a clear future where Lunar is going to feel safe amongst their own family again, knowing that they all viewed them as dangerous enough to be kicked out. Honestly, I'm half expecting this to end up as "Lunar lives independently and then realizes they actually feel better not living around their family and that they were kinda awful for them on accident" HDKSHDJS
YEA MORE CASTOR N POLLUX INTERACTIONS WOULD BE GREAT...... Yesyes I have received ur other ask and I'm actually gunna answer it after this one but GHOD yeah. Seeing them disagree abt smth is so interesting and I need more of it....... If one twin is hurt tho,,,,,,, ouhg. The Angst........
#asks#anon#rez anon#i have my fingers crossed on this arc so bad bc I am /really/ into it so far#but I am so nervous there may be nonsense just around the corner HSJABSJSN#Especially w/ Lunar living alone rn. I'm worried they're gunna end up found or kidnapped before anything actually comes outta that#bc like#i was talking abt this all with my friend on call last night and xe made a rlly good pount that at their last apartment... they didn't—#—/actually/ rlly live independently#earth came over a lot and cleaned their place and jack was introduced so they were always being watched#which felt like 'you may have ur own apt but the family is always Right There ^_^'#which means they. probably didn't actually feel any freedom from it HDJSHJD#NOT THAT..... THIS WILL FEEL MUCH FREER. BC THIS IS UNDER TERRIBLE CIRCUMSTANCES#but now they are /actually/ alone. and while yes i wish they didn't have to learn like this#there's still the opportunity nonetheless yk#lunar and earth show#the lunar and earth show#tlaes#laes#tlaes spoilers#laes spoilers#long post
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listen I'm not gonna be a Curly apologist he did Fucked Up as captain but I genuinely recommend ppl watch a playthru that goes thru the game in chronological order. It kinda helps clear up the events and gaps between them, bc even tho u See the times, you still experience it out of order.
The stuff Anya says definitely sets off alarm bells but it doesn't seem like he Fully Understands what she means, and I'm going to be 100% honest I think she was trying to repress it herself. This isn't to say that she is AT ALL "at fault" for what happened after and she should've gotten help even if she wasn't ready to fully discuss the issue but I genuinely think she herself was still coming to terms with things, so she didn't necessarily process the full impact before talking to Curly, and a lot of what happens occurs after they're laid off- like this delves into personal interpretation but I genuinely think Anya only registered Jimmy as a serious danger after his outburst towards Curly. Ofc my interpretation is limited bc of the limited pov in game and not having gone through what she has, but it personally reads more akin to coercion over time than a singular Obviously Violent incident (like. Not to say that Sexual Assault isnt violent in nature, just that coercion often specifically works to obfuscate the fact it is a form of violence.) The layoff is a Massive catalyst for her bc of Jimmy, in that she now has a very clear understanding of his capacity for aggression.
To extrapolate a little from the "Dead Pixel" conversation, she starts by saying she Likes The Screen (even though it's fake). While Curly has his quotes about the pixel "not ruining the illusion" which. Y'know is Symbolic Of His Flaws. She doesn't say the pixel ruins it, just that she can't get it out of her mind.
If we take the pixel to represent her Or jimmy, either way the way she talks about it kind of downplays things, like it's a Minor Thing that's Slightly Upsetting, but she's still okay with the big picture. Idk I could be 100% wrong but that is my take
Besides that, Anya tells curly she's pregnant 2 days before the crash, and it isn't until she outright states it that he starts Putting The Pieces Together. I want to note, he says "I'd do anything" and "this doesn't have to go on our performance evals" 1. Before he knows shes pregnant 2. Under the assumption she might attempt suicide, and I doubt he even thought about her using the gun on anyone else before she brings that up. He says literally before the line where she tells him she's pregnant that "being laid off isnt a reason to hurt [herself]". Like I've seen ppl talk about the performance evaluation thing like it's about her and jimmy, but I think he's referring to (his belief) that she might attempt suicide or similar which might genuinely be a consistent thing he's seen her struggle with, given she's able to go through with it. Also just to note: assuming their society is like ours (hellish) reassuring her he won't blab Abt her mental health is like. Genuine reassurance- lots of mentally ill ppl will Not Open Up bc it could have long term consequences (like. For example. On employment) ANYWAYS I hope it doesn't come off like "Curly never failed Anya" but rather "Curly approached this specific situation without the context of why Anya is panicking and (possibly validly) assuming she's dealing with a very different issue"
Also let me say again the time frame is 2 days. We don't Really see what happens, but we know Anya tells Jimmy without Curly knowing. I genuinely believe he maybe didn't do a Great Job in those two days (the fact he says Anya should've talked to Him before telling Jimmy is uhhh. Mm. 1. Your job to create an environment where she comes to you my man 2. Weird to tell her what she should do with HER OWN PERSONAL INFORMATION) but like.
I get a lot of ppl want immediate consequences but consider that they can't really get rid of Jimmy (co pilot. Which is. Y'know it's Own Problems) but also like. Curly knows Jimmy, and we know that Jimmy tends to lash out. Curly should probably Not Confront Jimmy Unless He Knows Exactly How To Keep Him From Hurting Anya. Like I'm not an expert but this is something genuinely important- when confronting an abuser you NEED to take into account the impact it can have on their victim, and sometimes for the victims safety you need to wait until you have a Solid Plan. It sucks but it's important.
And theres discussion to be had about Curly kinda going along with Jimmy saying "well what if we all died" and like. I do believe he Didn't Realize What Jimmy Said. Like he was just processing/trying to keep the situation under control (and failing because he underestimated how willing Jimmy was to hurt everyone including himself).
Like he's definitely an enabler but I would say his problems are mostly before he understands the gravity of the situation, in that he's friends with Jimmy and assumes the best of a man with abusive tendencies, and fails to create an environment that can keep Anya and the others safe. Like, he definitely doesn't handle in game events perfectly (psych evaluation for one- he does do it instead of Anya which is actually helpful, but he still treats it like. Weirdly.)
Idk I have a lot of thoughts about this game and I don't necessarily want to defend Curly but more like. Anya's situation is very delicate (and light on details) so sometimes the way ppl talk Abt it feels like they aren't actually focused on what she wants and what it means to prioritize her safety y'know?
Edit bc I just now figured out kinda how I want to word it: curly is an enabler and making things worse bc he doesn't put a stop to Jimmy's BS, but in the specific scenario we see in game I think he's trying to use his Skillset of like, people pleasing not for Jimmy's sake but for the crews (like "if I nod my head and say I sympathize he won't lash out and hurt them") which like. There are situations which that is unfortunately the safest option (on an individual level yes, but sometimes it's also necessary to prevent abusers lashing out in response toward ppl who are more vulnerable) but it was the Wrong Choice.
It's like. I think Curly was trying and had good intentions, and understood that he needed to protect the crew, but he didn't have the toolset/experience to realize he can't Just go along with things and that he needs to be able to set hard limits, even for ppl he likes and trusts. Like he failed but the failure was "for want of a nail", where it began way before what we see (for want of an understanding of power dynamics I guess.) Again, don't think this makes curly more forgivable or whatever, I just think he's a good example of trying to make the right choices when you never realized you'd have to make these kinds of decisions and therefore are unprepared and/or unaware
Second edit: personally I don't think you can really incapacitate jimmy without there being serious risk (again he's the copilot) but curly should've given Anya the gun when she told him Abt the pregnancy
#Mouthwashing spoilers#Rape ment#Suicide ment#SA ment#Yeah. Pronouns were kicking m fucking ass in this post. Names also bc I once called curly jimmy#if I write to much my brain stops cooperating with words#Idk. The way she brings up the locks in my mind sounds a little less like#Singular Incident and more. The lack of locks is a Very Important Boundary That's Missing#That feels like it often leads to the erosion of other important boundaries especially when someone abusive#Is specifically pushing those boundaries. Idk again. My take on it#And while Anya says ''i told you'' a part of me thinks she told him like. Y'know vaguely about the situation but probably didn't#Characterize it as assault (bc even if he didn't believe her I don't think he would ask ''who'' if he remembered her telling him#That his friend assaulted her) and was maybe not interpreting it as assault herself bc she was trying to rationalize it#Bc she's in a very isolated situation for over a year in a place where Two Whole Rooms Have Locks.#Realizing she was in the cockpit (has a lock) when Curly is assuming she's suicidal (or at least going to hurt herself)#And then she's in the medbay (has a lock) when she actually. Y'know#Idk I'm fully up to debate this. If someone has good reasoning why curly is actually worse than I think he is I'm all for it#I'm just trying to like. In the context of my beliefs understand the actions he takes and how they fit in within the timeframe#But legit watching a chronological playthrough helps A LOT bc like. Game is super impactful nonlinear#But like. That's not how the characters experienced it and it really fucks with the timeline of events intuitively#Anyway again. If u hate curly that's entirely understandable I just want to try and organize my thoughts while keeping#The timeline and my view of events relatively straight. Feel like there's sometimes a lil too much focus on how the men failed Anya#When we should focus on what Anya's needs and wants are. Which ofc from our POV characters are Hard bc. It's curly and jimmy#But still it's worth trying to understand her better than they do#Game that makes you think so much your brain becomes mouthwash
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me as a kid: i have all these problems
every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine
me as an adult: i still have all these problems
my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago
#problems i have finally gotten help for that i was told i was not old enough to know about:#AMPS (was told it was anxiety and then when i kept coming back they said it was fibro Quite Literally just to get me to shut up)#(like the doc i just saw literally said 'they diagnose fibromyalgia here when they dont know what the problem is but dont feel like testing)#multiple food allergies (was also told the stomach pain and vomiting was anxiety)#seborrheic dermatitis (i was told 'youre just stressed thats why you have a rash')#(which- if im so stressed my skin is literally dying MAYBE I STILL NEED HELP?????????)#autism and adhd (my father knew! but refused to get me assessed bc if i dont have a diagnosis theres no problem right :)#anxiety disorder (oh so when I'm in pain i DO have anxiety but when i say i have anxiety I'm overreacting okay)#dyscalculia and possibly dyslexia ('you just need to try harder' I've asked for a tutor five times)#some of my doctors don't actually believe me about some of these problems BECAUSE i have no records from when i was a kid#they're like 'it just popped up at 18? seems suspicious......' like I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S UNTIL THEN#there's definitely more but I'm still mad abt it#i might not be in a wheelchair Almost All The Time if i had gotten help BEFORE i lost half the feeling in my legs#i KNEW the fibro was a BS diagnosis#i tried to get assessed for autism at 16 and was told i have schizotypal personality disorder instead with literally zero testing#like my psych just refused to allow me to get tested for autism she was like 'no you have spd i Just Know'#same psych that said there was zero way i had anything like DID because my symptoms didn't present Exactly like the Only other#patient at the clinic with DID. i want to note that that was a 14 year old boy still being actively abused#and i was a 20 year old who was in a safe environment and had distanced myself from my abusers and stressors
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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How does one even go about having feelings about escaping being murdered?
#Anyway I know my therapist is going to ask about my feelings#About this super fun and fucked realization that one therapist who tortured me trying to see me dead#And so I've been trying to think about I how I feel#And like the real answer is I'm super not thanks we are repressing like a champ#But mostly bc I am saving that breakdown for tomorrow when I don't have work#And I don't even know where to begin#In hindsight it's pretty obvious you don't let someone (a patient) no less live if you've been torturing them for 8 months#Some how the fact that she wanted this to be my permanent last state is some how worse then just the torture itself#Tw:torture#Tw:abuse of power#Tw: murder attempt#Though technically not sure if that counts I don't think she would have physically done it with her own two hands#But then again purposefully keeping me sleep deprived to keep me insane and kill me is still yah know on purpose#Kinda feel like I need a support group from this#Which is not something I've ever once held an interest in before but it might be helpful to see how other people are handling similar thing#Oversharing on the internet times#Not my first long term therapist being actual literal hannibal lectre
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me and the work girlies having socialist convos at the end of the day
#funny as hell like. we finished our workload about half an hour early#because they've hired so many of us temps. who are improving at the job each day#that there's just been less to spread around#yet bc work culture is dumb our manager suddenly told everyone to push the carts we'd already sorted#into a square in the middle of the floor? which we've never done before#and the permanent staff had no idea why either. they were also confused but resigned#I passed one and said ''hey so is this just because we have 20 minutes of the shift left''#and she just laughed and shrugged and was like idk ask him lmaooo#definition of busywork#so we're all just standing around for 10 minutes until the manager starts calling people over to move... other stuff idk.#and I'm walking to join them when this small group of coworkers behind me goes HEY#you don't need to go. look he's got enough people and he's not looking stay heeere#so we just end up swapping stories about the managers giving us tips to process the conveyer faster#even tho we uhhh work SO hard already. :)#and one woman went ''I was thinking. ummm. I could go faster. but you gonna pay me more??? so I worked slower ❤️''#nothing but respect for us grunts here tho vs the management. I've never known a single person in the 3 weeks I've been here#to not come and help someone who looks busy on the opposite conveyer when theirs is slow#turns out people are naturally nice and helpful when you don't take advantage and try and make them work harder#bosses will never learn this <3
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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28.04.2023
So much happened this week. (In tags I'll rant about it)
N4 is coming and my prep is not at all good. Took a test today and i failed🥲. But i know my prep is soo bad,it was bound to happen. So have to study for that.
College exams are coming🥹 also have to study for that. The dissertation proposal is in the finalising stage,so that's good. But have to work on it properly imo.
Then i also proposed another research study to my professor and he has encouraged me to go for it. So,also have to work on it.
These very cutu plants in the scorching heat were a treat to eyes and mind.
Got this book from the library and I'm really enjoying reading the essays.
( correction in a tag- she scored less than me in class and she was all sad sad. With her i had to suppress my happiness at moments like these)
#here i go#so here in this clg i have 2 friends mainly they are my classmates and one is roomates also so thsi roomate is very toxic i kinda knew it#from the start but ignoted it bcs we became friends when we used to have online lectures and haven't met each other and somethings happened#in which she helped me so i was kinda obliged to stay w her. and after sometime i kinda strted feeling it. all the bad vibes#the toxicity she carry for other ppl judging them on their appearances and whenever i trued to correct her tries to manipulate things#like she jas all of the mean girl vibe but i the clown couldn't just had the courage or ways to not be w her i so wnated to but couldn't#it was all so fucked up and living w her. i changed i started judging ppl. this was so bad. she went through soem toughtimes and as i frien#friend i cared for her i was there for her almost all the times and most of the times whenever i needed her she was not.#tries to dominate always and the incident due to ehich I'm writing all this is - I'm not earing well properly well from past month she know#and last sunday i was very excited to this dish and i wanted to take more and she said very rudely how much more will you eat? i said i did#not had lunchand almost didn't eat the ehole day what's yhe nig deal abt it why tou saying and stopping me like that and she said i did not#say it she said again i did not say it with that rude voice like she can never be wrong and ppl wjom i rarely talk to have noticed that#I've lost weight but she who luves wirh me almost all the time do not know it whom I've talked to abt this don't knwo it . i didn't have#any appetite after that i just stuffed the food unsideand went outside wiyjout syaing anything 8 wanted ro puke so bad i controlled my#i couldn't beleive what just happened i didn't try to talk to her and she obviously wouldn't bcs of teh ego and then there's another friend#and classmate of us and she has a great bond w her then after taht incident she is also not talking ro me and. avoiding me in the corridor#making me feel like I'm the onw wrong here and thwse 2 ppl were not on talking term a week ago again ego calshes this other girl didn't#so yeah i got snakes here#now I'm all alone but this feels great literally like yes i cried and couldn't sleep bcs even tho i knew they are not always what they show#they were the only obes here i was able to form a bond with ( i hate this part so much now)and i care abt friendships alot but it ended#they are not talking to me I'm not talking to them. but thus whole thing made me free now I'm free i don't have to wait for them everytime#i want to go to library or to a class or to a walk bcs they wanted everything to be done in a grp#and I'm going everyday out to study to walk and to jyst peacefully live bcs now I don't have to deal with negativity and toxicity anymore#i feel myself again my trye self who was kind to ppl who wanted to just study quietly in evening who wanted to just go in class on time#i don't have to feel that if i di this will she judge me I'm feeling free with what I'm wearing I'll enjoy and celebrate all my wins#and achievements of the last year bcs i couldn't even enjoy those when i was with her just bcs she didn't got less tahn me#I'm smiling more nad I'm loving more myself to actually avle to come out of thsi spiral i didn't even know i could so yay#listening to you're on your own kid in loop and it made me so happy#that's it done. there was so much to say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hope you got some idea of what's happening in my life#sending you all love and light and if you find urslf in somesimilar situation or any difficulty rn hope you get out of it very soon<3
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I think one of my least favorite takes on Optimus annexing Earth is the surprisingly common opinion "he should've just left Earth alone and minded his own business because they didn't ask for help," not because it doesn't have truth in it but because it's a massive oversimplification of the whole situation and seems to pretend that Optimus annexing Earth was just completely stupid and had no reasoning whatsoever.
Like, it just bothers me when people talk about it as if Optimus leaving Earth alone would've been the not-bad-guy thing to do despite the fact that the Decepticons were literally about to try colonizing Earth again under the command of a guy who was literally from the Golden Age generation that made colonizing and genociding organics popular, Galvatron. I mean Galvatron was literally there saying "so when are we going to kill these fleshlings" and even being a Functionist asshole to Soundwave's cassettes. The last time the Decepticons invaded Earth in All Hail Megatron they killed literally a billion human beings. Are there seriously people in this fandom that are out there believing with their whole ass that "Optimus should've just ignored the openly genocidal Decepticons returning to a place they had already tried to colonize just a few years ago because it's none of his business and the humans can handle themselves" like what.
#squiggposting#and this isn't even getting into the fact that like there was that one titan buried under earth's surface#or the enigma of combination being there#are we not going to talk about how bad of an idea it is for cybertronian technology to just be left in the hands of other civilizations#with no supervision or input from cybertron whatsoever#there was an entire fucking tyrest accord made specifically to ban cybertronians from sharing their tech with other races#which megatron broke btw when he spread mind controlling guns across earth specifically to cause chaos#like i'm not saying that the sentiment of 'they didn't ask for help to be forced upon them' isn't valid#but i feel like saying 'lol optimus should've just not gotten involved' is incredibly naive at best and stupid at worst#ppl will be like 'noooo idw op is evil because he annexed earth he's not a real OP he's shittily written'#bro optimus was following one of his most core personality traits which is trying to protect innocent lives#from the imperialistic factions of his own species. the fuck do you people mean that idw op sucks#is it bc one of his positive character traits was turned into a double edged sword that also makes him flawed and make mistakes#and you just wanted OP to be your unproblematic g1 daddy who never does anything wrong?#i need to do a reread of barber's side of phase 2 to cement my opinion and remember the exact sequence of events#but mfs act as if optimus doing that had no reasons behind it whatsoever and as if he had any good choices in that scenario#(then there is the sub faction of idw op haters who kiss idw megs' ass simultaneously but that's a rant for another day lol)#mostly what gets me isn't the fact that people don't like optimus' decision#but the fact that so many ppl completely disregard and refuse to consider the context around that decision#and they just go 'oh he just sucks' as if that's the end of the story lol
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the forging bonds supports omfg 🥺
#soren#my dear boy#seeing him interacting with himself when he was at his lowest after he's had time to heal and recover from all he went through... my heart#child!soren#really just needs support and someone who can listen even tho he can't say a word... soren and ike taking care of him... uncle ranulf#everything about it#i'm weak over this you don't even know#brave!soren#has grows SO incredibly much and the fact others have remarked on it (ranulf) and that he's being more patient and more tolerant#like yeah he's still got his acerbic and not-quite-approachable personality but he's not just running from everything or pushing it all down#i know i already mentioned ike but omfg seeing his ''feed soren'' instinct pop back out and how reliving that must be so emotionally intense#he's seeing the man he's watched grow and heal so much at his weakest again? knowing he won't forget it this time? FUCK!#i've seen tonnes of people saying how he and soren are basically coparenting him and i love that sm because yeah.gif the little guy needs it#like their b support in por when soren mentions how he never had a parent to help shape who he was or how he never was shown that affection#they know that even if this soren goes back to his world one day that he will go back knowing what it feels like to be loved and cared for#and b!soren basically telling c!soren that he's going to be okay eventually? CRYING IN THE CLUB#sure he didn't say that verbatim but yk. it's gotta hurt a lot to see himself in this position again i don't blame him for being cold to him#fuck!#i could go on#but i will call it here bc i will write an essay nobody asked for#maybe i will anyway in another post#or mayb consider actually posting my writing and put together a lil fic if i'm feeling bold 👀#either way#gabe rambles#fe#feh#fe heroes#cyl 7#fe9/10#nqp
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Me: hey I improved ! I don’t have such a black-and-white thinking anymore !
Someone: *has a moral which is the direct opposite of mine*
Me: THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY.
#have you considered you are wrong ?#listen. listen. if you give more importance to objects and memories (loosing them does hurt but listen) than to human life(s)#or animals. I said human life(s) but it's really just lifes in general#i don't like you#'oh but we don't know them. they could be bad people !' so youre gonna let them die. because of a 'what if'#if the situation ever happens to you (and i hope it doesnt) i wonder how you will react when people ignore you asking for help bc#'what if theyre bad ?!'#asd#?#asd problems#autism problems#Autism Stuff#try as long as you want to change my mind im autistic that arent gonna work#not about this at least. sometimes it happens but i need facts#black and white thinking#'youd leave your house to strangers ?' if they need it ? anytime a day. especially since when it is said its not even a house i live in#who needs more than one house anyway. i get it for people going on vacation but if you live in it for a handful of weeks or months a year#why not accept for other people to live in it the rest of the year ? 'but youd have to pay! they wont !' ok. youre really debating with the#wrong person here. idc. if i really cant give them a shelter id be straightforward and they wont push further#if i can then ill ask them to gain a bit of money on their side but ill help sure#ofc itd be better if i learn to know the person/people beforehand#if i can im not letting people die in the street tho#i dont get people prioritizing objects over lifes. i just dont#i was literally raised by a very much nd father telling me 'if someone comes and asks for a shelter - you give it to them'#I- *muffled screams* 'what if theyre bad?' what if i punch you in the face#yeah they might be. they also might not. youre gonna let them die either way ?
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Happy Valentines Day!! 💝 I hope you spend the day being haunted by someone you love 👻 (or if you're like me, just eating a lot of heart-shaped candy)
Poll:
#I really REALLY wanted to make a little video for valetines day but I ran out of time 🥲#maybe I'll do something late over the long weekend#for now I offer you my hot takes that absolutely nobody asked for:#the Arondekars- LOVE LOVE THEM. they're everything. just like wwdits‚ the married couple is my favorite ship. idk what this says abt me#Isaac/Nigel- I think they're really sweet!! I don't think I'm as into them as some people but I do like them a lot#the concept alone is so charming and it's a choice that establishes the show a bit from the original that I think works really well#Isaac's awkwardness and hesitancy to move things forward is SO relatable to my experience as a baby lesbian and I find it really endearing#Flower/Thorfinn- I'm not super into them I'm sorry 😭 I don't hate it but I also don't really feel the chemistry#although maybe this week's episode will change my mind!!#Pete/Alberta- oughh I didn't realize how much I loved their dynamic until I thought about it more#their opposites attract kind of thing is really cute‚ with Alberta helping Pete step out of his comfort zone#and alberta knowing she deserves someone a bit more stable who will treat her better than she was in life (she already knew this but still)#it's a shame bc they're probably the couple with the least chance of getting together 😭#Sasappis/Shiki- unfortunately there's not much they can really do :') however sass' shiki tree was adorable. what a dork#Sass/Jessica- cute while they lasted!! they weren't able to spend a ton of time on their relationship but it brought out a different side#of Sass that was fun to watch#Hetty/Trevor- absolutely hilarious. I never knew I needed it. I don't ship them in a capital r Romantic way but their chemistry is great#I'd rather see it stay just a fling tbh. also when the other ghosts find out it's going to be SO juicy I can't wait#last one- I really don't want to see the entire house coupled off. The ships are fun but also the friendships between the ghosts and how#they function as a group is the real heart of the show for me I don't want that to get lost. I don't think it's impossible to balance both#so it's ultimately just a personal preference 🤷♀️#wow I didn't realize i had so much to say about this aksjsk#anyway. my prediction for this poll is a close race between isaac/nigel and h-money#cbs ghosts
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started reading the eclipse novel and it's hitting me with absolute bangers right out of the gate
#IF WE DON'T HELP THEM FIGHT THEIR INJUSTICES NOW!!! WHO WILL BE AROUND TO HELP US FIGHT OURS LATER!!!!!!#some of you need to read that then read it again then read it everyday until you understand what it means#some of you need to need to climb out of the trap of doomerism and hyper individualism for that matter#and realise what it actually means to care for people. to ACTUALLY care. because caring is very inconvenient actually.#but we HAVE to do it anyway. we have to. it's how we survive. bc who else is there if it isn't us? who else will help us if not each other?#there literally is only us. n we're all guilty of it but the separation we put between ourselves isn't real. like ofc there are differences#but they aren't nearly as big as we've all been lead to believe. n a lot of them aren't even real.#the sooner we realise that the better#bc other people are all we have. there is no one else. nothing will or CAN save us except us. that's why we HAVE to look after each other#even with the things that don't affect us. ESPECIALLY with things that don't affect us.#bc if you don't help others when they need help then who is going to help you when you need it?#who will be left?#anyway. some of you r 'why should i care abt them? they don't care abt ME'-ing ur way into bigotry and loneliness at a record speed#n you dont even seem to realise it#being a good person and caring abt others should not be conditional or transactional. skill issue.
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