#bc i was still experiencing symptoms

[dollgutted]

tumblr is just gonna become my thought dump now that i can't use quotev to update everyone abt my interests and how i'm doing: and can i just say, i'm not doing well. i'm gonna throw a FIT actually. my doctor's appointment went pretty poorly, and i'm not really on the road to recovery at all, i'm still at the beginning basically.

crohns fucking sucks and i'm angry about it. it actively effects my daily life and i'm just sick and tired constantly. i want to feel better for once. i swear to fucking god, crohns is making my MDD worse. and to top it off, on these antibiotics i'm taking for my current crohns related inflammation problem, i can't take my antidepressants. so like, i can't even begin to manage my depression alongside managing my physical symptoms. and of course, the steroids they have me on to manage the physical symptoms? yeah that causes insomnia. which also worsens the depression. because i sit up all night thinking about any and everything when i should be sleeping. which in turn worsens my already existing daily fatigue that just comes with the territory of being disabled.

it is pure misery right now boys and there is no sun on the horizon. my doctor basically said there's nothing she can do to help me at the current moment because my insurance won't cover the tests i need, and i can't afford that shit out of pocket either, so it's just a waiting game. waiting until i get so bad i have to go back to the ER and they HAVE to take care of me out of necessity OR waiting for this new insurance to accept me and help me cover the tests. whichever comes first. sigh.

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[waywardsalt]

im thinking about possession aftereffects that linebeck experiences immediately after the events of phantom hourglass, so here are bullet points i have down for my own ideas

he’s out cold for roughly five days after the fight. he’s conscious for a bit after being freed, but it doesn’t take long for him to collapse once he’s transported back to the great sea. link finds him when he reaches his ship to see him again (he takes a lifeboat or w/e from tetras ship its a whole thing and not the point) and ends up having to take care of him for those five-ish days.

while he’s out cold, he develops a bad fever, and has a good few physical injures from being possessed; all of his wounds from being possessed manifest as burns, the worst wounds bring cauterized and mostly closed, while smaller ones are still open wounds. the largest wound is a large burn covering most of his back, which is cauterized by the time he passes out, and then there are smaller, still open burns on his upper arms and legs. (the smaller wounds are manageable by link when he follows some medical instructions, [there are some medical books on the ship] the larger one is also manageable, but takes a lot longer to properly heal).

(link asks tetra and her crew to stick around for a while to keep linebeck stabilized while he’s unconscious. when linebeck wakes up, tetra and her crew are good to leave because then linebeck can better report what’s going on, and knows how to handle injuries).

linebeck’s fever persists after he wakes up, and he experiences… pretty much every fever symptom, with especially bad chills and full-body aches. the aches are really bad for the first few days after he wakes up, he’s extremely physically weak and shaky for a while, too. that weakness and shakiness get better with time, but he doesnt go entirely back to normal without actually moving around and doing things to build that strength back up.

he’s delirious and struggles to stay awake for those first few conscious days, too, which makes that weakness and shakiness worse; he struggles to eat and drink water, and struggles to string together thoughts or words to talk to link, and both of them figure out pretty quickly that they’ll have to wait a bit longer before so much as an attempt to coax him out of bed can be made.

beyond existing problems with food, linebeck struggles to keep anything down while he recovers, and becomes ill pretty much every time after he eats anything, so a bucket is kept near his bed. with water, he obviously needs to drink a lot of it considering that he’s feverish, injured, and vomiting frequently, but while he’s sick he has a bit of an irrational fear of water (along with an irrational fear of air and the wind, which makes him hesitant to go outside while he’s sick).

he’s generally pretty irritable, which isn’t particularly new, but it makes him prone to refusing help with certain things. he’s less irritable when tired and just resting. he’s also especially nervous, and despite the overall fatigue, he struggles to sleep for very long while he’s sick, and as said before, is often delirious and even confused when things are bad.

along with the other difficulties eating, linebeck has a hard time swallowing for a bit, and salivates a lot more than normal while he’s sick. he is soooo fucking dehydrated the whole time and that really doesn’t help.

while the weakness and shakiness stays for the entire time he’s sick and even a bit afterwards, for the first few days after he wakes up he’s stiff and also experiences some muscle spasms and numbness in his limbs, and has a hard time keeping his balance the first few times he gets out of bed.

once the sickness clears up fully, linebeck has to still be careful with the scar on his back; it’s sensitive to touch for a while and hurts when exposed to the sun or air for too long and when he stretches his back too far, but eventually just reaches the point where it’s a bit sensitive but is otherwise just a large scar.

obviously he’s also going through the wringer in an emotional and mental illness sense too but those would require a whole new bullet point list.

[mashmouths]

sitting waiting for someone to text you bc you wanted to make plans with them almost 4 hours ago but now you've just wasted 4 hours bc you couldn't do anything bc you were waiting for them to text should've been a circle of hell in dante's inferno

[crumbleclub]

there's certain things i want to put in storylines but i keep doing this

[b-blushes]

experiencing what they might call "did some unavoidable activities that were way above regular activity level as an individual with disabilities that Don't Like It When You Do This" and it's not my favourite sensation/dimension to exist in. like i'm fine but also. i feel haunted :P

[brittlebutch]

interesting to me when people talk about kirk's fear of getting old in tmp it often seems to be talked about purely in terms of 'not being young anymore' instead of in the context of The Deadly Years where kirk is the only one of those affected to wind up with outright dementia

[bardicbird]

i love it when the recommended treatment for specific brand of my mental disorder is just to stop having the disorder 👍 thanks ill try my best.

[vimbry]

saw a really fun show tonight! got home took pee and became an ex-member of the never passed out club

[darkelfchicksick]

if I could stop being SICK so i can make these two dumbasses FUCK that would be GREAT

[andromedako]

i hate being a hypochrondriac. genuinely.

[mashmouths]

it has never been more over actually

[mnstrboy]

Im rlly hungry bc i didnt eat most of my food today bc i just got icked out and i did 20k steps total im just. Bro i cannot make myseld eat this much and count it at the same time like i just do NOT want to eat infront of anyone xC like im definetely not the heaviest in most settings anymore but the thought of someone witnessing me eat is like. I want to peel my skin off levels of anxious

I might go smoke bc ive convinced myself i am the Worst person ever at my job but people literally get walked out on the first day

[moonlitlex]

deleting my long post to rephrase it to this: some of yalls reactions to the club thing is immediately shut down something you've never experienced and have a lot of misconceptions about (like i've seen multiple people say they've never been to the club because they don't do fun things like have themes). and i think. you should be more open to new experiences. you don't have to like the club or even really go to the club but shutting down the idea of doing a whole category of activity without ever trying it is just going to shut you off from experiencing new and potentially enjoyable things.

and this also happens like. pretty much every time a "you should do this thing that i think is fun" post starts making the rounds it becomes about how it's soooooo unreasonable to expect the mostly adult userbase of this website to try new things and be open to new experiences just because people on here have social anxiety or sensory issues or xyz other thing that makes it harder to do some things.

but they also have this extremely strong aversion to experiencing anything unpleasant at all. like i've seen people on that post talk about how they can't watch tv where characters die because it's upsetting. but the thing is if you never experience things that are unpleasant you are going to be that same person forever.

like it fucking sucks to hear for me to this day but the only way you can get over your social anxiety is by doing things that cause that anxiety. and you should never be forced to do them. you should choose to. but you have to do them or the anxiety will literally just get worse forever. do it scared. do it alone. do it while crying, even. but do it. i used to burst into tears at the idea of going up to a cashier to pay for my stuff. and i don't anymore because i did it scared and alone and while feeling like i was going to pass out.

this isn't really about the club. it's about the way people on here react to literally any post that says something along the lines of "you should do stuff"

[fingertipsmp3]

Thinking some thoughts.

[etherealkissed88]

how i manifest when i feel anxious •°. *࿐

i decide i have what i want…

when i feel anxiety -> i let it pass while knowing its only a human reaction

◦ since i am beyond just a human (i am limitless imagination/self), i know any anxiety is below me and it has nothing to do with my limitless self. i have exactly what i decided i have, regardless of any anxiety.

know anxiety usually comes from a fear of failure

◦ so, i cannot limit myself based on what i see or what i negatively assume my future will look like bc i am always beyond the 3d, no matter what feelings/anxiety my human self experiences.

◦ i become indifferent/i dont care about what i see or what i assume i will see because i know everything comes together in the 3d once i change self/know its done. fact: everything always comes together and works out in the end. being indifferent to the 3d = being indifferent to emotions, anxiety and everything that doesnt serve you.

dont fight it, dont avoid it, tackle it head on

◦ acknowledge you are experiencing anxiety bc you are. yes it can feel like shit but it doesnt have to affect who you are being (whatever version of self you are embodying). again, i can choose to be indifferent to this anxiety. you dont have to be scared of the anxiety. it is a natural human response. cry if you need to, let it all out. dont try to suppress it bc that will only come to bite you back in the ass, believe me.

◦ take care of your mental health in whatever ways necessary. when i used to experience anxiety, i used to take walks in the park, clear my head, meditate, express myself and my emotions through art and journaling, etc. remember nothing you do (or feel) in the 3d has to affect who you are being/your state.

"how can i still have anxiety yet still be a desired version of me?"

anxiety has no affect on anything unless you allow it to change your identity. you are the one with power, the anxiety is only an experience, similar to breathing in oxygen and using our sense of touch; its all neutral. when you start surrendering to the anxiety, you are creating and accepting negative stories that you create based on the feeling of anxiety. allowing that anxious feeling to change your state/identity is surrendering to something you view as more "powerful" than you. stop transforming that anxiety into a state that you embody based on the false, negative stories u imagine.

remember a 3d experience or anxious feelings doesnt have to influence who you are being. an example: a model who knows (fulfilled) that she is graceful and beautiful can have anxiety about doing her catwalk. the anxiety is normal, she can experience the symptoms of anxiety (shortness of breath, dry mouth, shaking) but her core identity/state is still a graceful model. the anxiety is only a temporary feeling. usually when we experience these feelings, they occupy all of our attention in that moment which is why it seems so scary but in reality, its not that big a deal. know that anxiety is just a feeling. you are safe. you can still experience shitty feelings while knowing you are a bad bitch!

you dont always identify with everything you experience. for example, a lot of people experience good things and still identify as people who are unworthy of good things. so its really up to you to choose what to identify with.

i know my only job is knowing its done

◦ if i just decided its done, as the operant power, as i say goes, therefore its done. so my job is done. anxiety is part of the 3d, not my limitless self, imagination. so i can be indifferent and experience it without identifying with it, the same way people manifest what they desire while experiencing their shitty circumstances daily (because they do not identify with those shitty experiences).

◦ ive heard/experienced situations where we know its done yet we cried and felt like shit, and what we wanted still manifested into the 3d. bc anxiety is only a feeling. do not allow your feelings to take hold of your state, but if it does, its never the end of the world... just get back in the state. 3d shit/anxiety doesnt have to intervene with who you are being/what you identify with.

kisses, jani ☆