#bc i was still experiencing symptoms
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dollgutted · 7 months ago
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tumblr is just gonna become my thought dump now that i can't use quotev to update everyone abt my interests and how i'm doing: and can i just say, i'm not doing well. i'm gonna throw a FIT actually. my doctor's appointment went pretty poorly, and i'm not really on the road to recovery at all, i'm still at the beginning basically.
crohns fucking sucks and i'm angry about it. it actively effects my daily life and i'm just sick and tired constantly. i want to feel better for once. i swear to fucking god, crohns is making my MDD worse. and to top it off, on these antibiotics i'm taking for my current crohns related inflammation problem, i can't take my antidepressants. so like, i can't even begin to manage my depression alongside managing my physical symptoms. and of course, the steroids they have me on to manage the physical symptoms? yeah that causes insomnia. which also worsens the depression. because i sit up all night thinking about any and everything when i should be sleeping. which in turn worsens my already existing daily fatigue that just comes with the territory of being disabled.
it is pure misery right now boys and there is no sun on the horizon. my doctor basically said there's nothing she can do to help me at the current moment because my insurance won't cover the tests i need, and i can't afford that shit out of pocket either, so it's just a waiting game. waiting until i get so bad i have to go back to the ER and they HAVE to take care of me out of necessity OR waiting for this new insurance to accept me and help me cover the tests. whichever comes first. sigh.
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thedreadvampy · 7 months ago
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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waywardsalt · 11 months ago
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im thinking about possession aftereffects that linebeck experiences immediately after the events of phantom hourglass, so here are bullet points i have down for my own ideas
he’s out cold for roughly five days after the fight. he’s conscious for a bit after being freed, but it doesn’t take long for him to collapse once he’s transported back to the great sea. link finds him when he reaches his ship to see him again (he takes a lifeboat or w/e from tetras ship its a whole thing and not the point) and ends up having to take care of him for those five-ish days.
while he’s out cold, he develops a bad fever, and has a good few physical injures from being possessed; all of his wounds from being possessed manifest as burns, the worst wounds bring cauterized and mostly closed, while smaller ones are still open wounds. the largest wound is a large burn covering most of his back, which is cauterized by the time he passes out, and then there are smaller, still open burns on his upper arms and legs. (the smaller wounds are manageable by link when he follows some medical instructions, [there are some medical books on the ship] the larger one is also manageable, but takes a lot longer to properly heal).
(link asks tetra and her crew to stick around for a while to keep linebeck stabilized while he’s unconscious. when linebeck wakes up, tetra and her crew are good to leave because then linebeck can better report what’s going on, and knows how to handle injuries).
linebeck’s fever persists after he wakes up, and he experiences… pretty much every fever symptom, with especially bad chills and full-body aches. the aches are really bad for the first few days after he wakes up, he’s extremely physically weak and shaky for a while, too. that weakness and shakiness get better with time, but he doesnt go entirely back to normal without actually moving around and doing things to build that strength back up.
he’s delirious and struggles to stay awake for those first few conscious days, too, which makes that weakness and shakiness worse; he struggles to eat and drink water, and struggles to string together thoughts or words to talk to link, and both of them figure out pretty quickly that they’ll have to wait a bit longer before so much as an attempt to coax him out of bed can be made.
beyond existing problems with food, linebeck struggles to keep anything down while he recovers, and becomes ill pretty much every time after he eats anything, so a bucket is kept near his bed. with water, he obviously needs to drink a lot of it considering that he’s feverish, injured, and vomiting frequently, but while he’s sick he has a bit of an irrational fear of water (along with an irrational fear of air and the wind, which makes him hesitant to go outside while he’s sick).
he’s generally pretty irritable, which isn’t particularly new, but it makes him prone to refusing help with certain things. he’s less irritable when tired and just resting. he’s also especially nervous, and despite the overall fatigue, he struggles to sleep for very long while he’s sick, and as said before, is often delirious and even confused when things are bad.
along with the other difficulties eating, linebeck has a hard time swallowing for a bit, and salivates a lot more than normal while he’s sick. he is soooo fucking dehydrated the whole time and that really doesn’t help.
while the weakness and shakiness stays for the entire time he’s sick and even a bit afterwards, for the first few days after he wakes up he’s stiff and also experiences some muscle spasms and numbness in his limbs, and has a hard time keeping his balance the first few times he gets out of bed.
once the sickness clears up fully, linebeck has to still be careful with the scar on his back; it’s sensitive to touch for a while and hurts when exposed to the sun or air for too long and when he stretches his back too far, but eventually just reaches the point where it’s a bit sensitive but is otherwise just a large scar.
obviously he’s also going through the wringer in an emotional and mental illness sense too but those would require a whole new bullet point list.
#ask to tag#loz#legend of zelda#linebeck#phantom hourglass#this kinda just turned into early post ph chapter notes and you know what? i really needed it to be that way actually#post bellumbeck wounds manifest as burns bc i think that purple… ooze? from bellum is like fucking acid#also magic shit yadda yadda bellum burns those he possesses cuz like. melt skin so it fuses to whats touching it. yknow#salty talks#why does tetra’s crew leave when linebeck wakes up? linebeck wants them to leave and he wants to keep secret the fact that he got possessed#hes lucky that link doesnt say anything and lucky that tetra never saw any of it#he uses the story that he just got attacked by bellum and knocked out while link fought bellum#i might just leave his long term bellumbeck aftereffects at. huge burn scar on his back and some fun magic stuff#cuz he does go through all of this shit and survives what is basically literally fucking rabies its a lot of rabies symptoms#its like. mixture of real sickness/disease and Burn Wounds with a dash of. hmm what would he be experiencing as like#his body gets use to actually being in control of itself after that control is forcibly and violently hijacked by something else#also theres just some nasty shit in his blood/body in general which is why he vomits most of the time. get that shit outta here#also this whole scenario is ig a fun reversal since all of ph link is the one who gets injured/sick snd linebeck has to take care of him#so. switch things around. link is Going Through It as well this is DISTRESSING for him but he feels better while talking with linebeck#link being present seriously tipped things in linebecks favor. if he was alone he wouldve still survived. it wouldve fucking sucked tho#wouldve been really really hard but with enough effort and will to live linebeck could survive on his own thats important#seriously considering adding that at his worst he has seizures but i dont know enough abt those rn so maybe layer
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swollenwithangst · 1 month ago
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i hate my uncontrollable need to analyze everything. my inability to only partially devote myself to things that will never be a constant. being too little or too much, exacerbating or not quite enough. i have roused myself with the guise of our friendship, acknowledging now that's all it can be. rejecting my kindness, while bringing tenfold your own. like magnets we push and we pull, all based upon the way in which we chose to orient ourselves that day.
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mashmouths · 3 months ago
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sitting waiting for someone to text you bc you wanted to make plans with them almost 4 hours ago but now you've just wasted 4 hours bc you couldn't do anything bc you were waiting for them to text should've been a circle of hell in dante's inferno
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crumbleclub · 2 years ago
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there's certain things i want to put in storylines but i keep doing this
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bardicbird · 1 year ago
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i love it when the recommended treatment for specific brand of my mental disorder is just to stop having the disorder 👍 thanks ill try my best.
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b-blushes · 1 year ago
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experiencing what they might call "did some unavoidable activities that were way above regular activity level as an individual with disabilities that Don't Like It When You Do This" and it's not my favourite sensation/dimension to exist in. like i'm fine but also. i feel haunted :P
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brittlebutch · 1 year ago
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interesting to me when people talk about kirk's fear of getting old in tmp it often seems to be talked about purely in terms of 'not being young anymore' instead of in the context of The Deadly Years where kirk is the only one of those affected to wind up with outright dementia
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vimbry-moved · 10 months ago
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saw a really fun show tonight! got home took pee and became an ex-member of the never passed out club
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mnstrboy · 6 months ago
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Im rlly hungry bc i didnt eat most of my food today bc i just got icked out and i did 20k steps total im just. Bro i cannot make myseld eat this much and count it at the same time like i just do NOT want to eat infront of anyone xC like im definetely not the heaviest in most settings anymore but the thought of someone witnessing me eat is like. I want to peel my skin off levels of anxious
I might go smoke bc ive convinced myself i am the Worst person ever at my job but people literally get walked out on the first day
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moonlitlex · 1 year ago
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deleting my long post to rephrase it to this: some of yalls reactions to the club thing is immediately shut down something you've never experienced and have a lot of misconceptions about (like i've seen multiple people say they've never been to the club because they don't do fun things like have themes). and i think. you should be more open to new experiences. you don't have to like the club or even really go to the club but shutting down the idea of doing a whole category of activity without ever trying it is just going to shut you off from experiencing new and potentially enjoyable things.
and this also happens like. pretty much every time a "you should do this thing that i think is fun" post starts making the rounds it becomes about how it's soooooo unreasonable to expect the mostly adult userbase of this website to try new things and be open to new experiences just because people on here have social anxiety or sensory issues or xyz other thing that makes it harder to do some things.
but they also have this extremely strong aversion to experiencing anything unpleasant at all. like i've seen people on that post talk about how they can't watch tv where characters die because it's upsetting. but the thing is if you never experience things that are unpleasant you are going to be that same person forever.
like it fucking sucks to hear for me to this day but the only way you can get over your social anxiety is by doing things that cause that anxiety. and you should never be forced to do them. you should choose to. but you have to do them or the anxiety will literally just get worse forever. do it scared. do it alone. do it while crying, even. but do it. i used to burst into tears at the idea of going up to a cashier to pay for my stuff. and i don't anymore because i did it scared and alone and while feeling like i was going to pass out.
this isn't really about the club. it's about the way people on here react to literally any post that says something along the lines of "you should do stuff"
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etherealkissed88 · 9 months ago
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how i manifest when i feel anxious •°. *࿐
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i decide i have what i want…
when i feel anxiety -> i let it pass while knowing its only a human reaction
◦ since i am beyond just a human (i am limitless imagination/self), i know any anxiety is below me and it has nothing to do with my limitless self. i have exactly what i decided i have, regardless of any anxiety.
know anxiety usually comes from a fear of failure
◦ so, i cannot limit myself based on what i see or what i negatively assume my future will look like bc i am always beyond the 3d, no matter what feelings/anxiety my human self experiences.
◦ i become indifferent/i dont care about what i see or what i assume i will see because i know everything comes together in the 3d once i change self/know its done. fact: everything always comes together and works out in the end. being indifferent to the 3d = being indifferent to emotions, anxiety and everything that doesnt serve you.
dont fight it, dont avoid it, tackle it head on
◦ acknowledge you are experiencing anxiety bc you are. yes it can feel like shit but it doesnt have to affect who you are being (whatever version of self you are embodying). again, i can choose to be indifferent to this anxiety. you dont have to be scared of the anxiety. it is a natural human response. cry if you need to, let it all out. dont try to suppress it bc that will only come to bite you back in the ass, believe me.
◦ take care of your mental health in whatever ways necessary. when i used to experience anxiety, i used to take walks in the park, clear my head, meditate, express myself and my emotions through art and journaling, etc. remember nothing you do (or feel) in the 3d has to affect who you are being/your state.
"how can i still have anxiety yet still be a desired version of me?"
anxiety has no affect on anything unless you allow it to change your identity. you are the one with power, the anxiety is only an experience, similar to breathing in oxygen and using our sense of touch; its all neutral. when you start surrendering to the anxiety, you are creating and accepting negative stories that you create based on the feeling of anxiety. allowing that anxious feeling to change your state/identity is surrendering to something you view as more "powerful" than you. stop transforming that anxiety into a state that you embody based on the false, negative stories u imagine.
remember a 3d experience or anxious feelings doesnt have to influence who you are being. an example: a model who knows (fulfilled) that she is graceful and beautiful can have anxiety about doing her catwalk. the anxiety is normal, she can experience the symptoms of anxiety (shortness of breath, dry mouth, shaking) but her core identity/state is still a graceful model. the anxiety is only a temporary feeling. usually when we experience these feelings, they occupy all of our attention in that moment which is why it seems so scary but in reality, its not that big a deal. know that anxiety is just a feeling. you are safe. you can still experience shitty feelings while knowing you are a bad bitch!
you dont always identify with everything you experience. for example, a lot of people experience good things and still identify as people who are unworthy of good things. so its really up to you to choose what to identify with.
i know my only job is knowing its done
◦ if i just decided its done, as the operant power, as i say goes, therefore its done. so my job is done. anxiety is part of the 3d, not my limitless self, imagination. so i can be indifferent and experience it without identifying with it, the same way people manifest what they desire while experiencing their shitty circumstances daily (because they do not identify with those shitty experiences).
◦ ive heard/experienced situations where we know its done yet we cried and felt like shit, and what we wanted still manifested into the 3d. bc anxiety is only a feeling. do not allow your feelings to take hold of your state, but if it does, its never the end of the world... just get back in the state. 3d shit/anxiety doesnt have to intervene with who you are being/what you identify with.
kisses, jani ☆
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mashmouths · 1 year ago
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it has never been more over actually
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chaysreality222 · 7 months ago
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‧₊˚ ⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.✧˖ °
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. ۫ ꣑ৎ . 𝐈 𝐒𝓗𝐈𝐅𝓣𝐄𝐃 𝓑𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝓞 𝓐𝐍 𝓤𝐍𝓚𝐍𝓞𝐖𝐍 𝓡𝐄𝐀𝓛𝐈𝐓𝓨 . ۫ ꣑ৎ .
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i'm beyond happy to be making a post like this. as you can tell by the title, I'VE SHIFTED! but the catch is i shifted to some unknown reality. still extremely proud of myself and happy, but there's just an ounce of disappointment that it wasn't one of my scripted drs. i've been waiting to tell you guys about it, so let's get into it!
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the night of june 24th, 2024, i had chose to take the night off from attempting to shift and just sleep because the previous night i had already attempted to shift through my lucid dream. i fell asleep on accident and woke up at least once, and then fell back asleep.
i fell into a dream where something personal had happened where it caused me to be really sad. to set the setting, it was extremely late at night and i had been coming home. i needed to shower especially to get my mind off things. i checked my phone that was on the bathroom counter before my shower and it switched from 1:30 something am to 3:33 am.
This is when i became lucid. tmi my armpits were extremely unkept. (i feel like this was my dream showing me an insecurity of mine bc i had just waxed and was afraid of the hair growing back weird omg. but after i had stopped feeling insecure and told myself that it's just a dream and it's not like that irl, it went back to normal).
after that moment was passed, i was so exhausted and as i was showering i decided to sit down for a second on the ground of the tub. i was so tired and sad that in my mind i was thinking about how i wanted to just shift so badly. didn't matter what reality it was, i just needed it at that moment.
i laid my head back on the wall of the tub, then my eyes started to drift closed. i started to experience shifting symptoms from inside the lucid dream. there was flashing lights i saw through my eyelids, i felt a sense of floating, numbness accompanied by tingles down my body, and the room felt like it was spinning.
i naturally had woken up. (i'd say i just opened my eyes but it felt like i had woken up like any other time i've ever woken up in my original reality). i noticed i shifted! i didn't even question it, because i didn't have to. just as we are right now, wherever you are reading this, that's how real and natural everything was. you know for a fact you aren't dreaming right now, this is reality. that's the closest way of how i could explain how i knew i shifted.
my surroundings hadn't changed though. it was still the same bathroom setting like i had been in like that dream which i found to be an exact replica of my original reality (or) bathroom. the lights were off but candles had been placed around the bathroom to create this peaceful ambience. it was really nice. i felt the hot water running down my skin as it hit the top of my head, as well as the steam. i could also feel the tiles of the wall and the tub beneath my bare feet.
i also didn't feel the immense sadness and heaviness i was experiencing in my dream anymore. you know when you woke up from being scared or sad in the dream, and you feel a sense of relief because it wasn't real? that's the feeling i had been feeling but also happiness and curiosity from me shifting.
as i was just standing in the water and taking it all in, that's when the ounce of disappointment hit me that i shifted to some place but my actual scripted drs. in which i understand you can shift to unscripted places, but you guys get what i'm saying. i guess it's my fault for not focusing on any of my drs and instead hoping for any reality possible. (please don't take the disappointment i had felt to any offense! i'm extremely happy i shifted, just wish it was to my waiting room dr, etc). but hey, i shifted and that is what matters!
then i decided to shift back! i had no reason of staying there any longer and a part of me didn't want to get out of the shower and open that bathroom door. since it was a random reality, i didn't want to mess around and find out.
i was ready to go back to my or! and even though i had been thinking about my or, i didn't just shift back like i always thought i would or was always afraid of happening when i had shifted to say my hogwarts dr. it was just like every other thought i've had about my drs here! just because you or i think about our drs during the day here, doesn't mean we will just be pulled out of this reality and shifted over there. i hope i'm making sense, but i'm sure you guys understand what i'm saying.
anyway, i set the intention to shift back to my or and said my safeword as i closed my eyes. it's hard to explain but i could feel my consciousness shifting back to my or? then i had woken up back in my or! i checked the time and it was around 4 am on june 25, 2024. i believe i had been in my dr for a total of at least 8-10 minutes. i couldn't believe i had just shifted realities, but i was also dead tired. so i went back to sleep! but i have to say throughout that day, i was exhausted and still processing my shifting experience. so exhausted, i didn't really have the motivation to do much of anything.
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first of all, thanks to those of you keeping up with my shifting journey and never failing to continue motivating me. it means a lot to be apart of this community of caring and helpful people <3 next stop is my waiting room dr! also a quick question to the experienced shifters out there, does dealing with the exhaustion after shifting get easier? thanks! as always, happy shifting!
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xoxo, c!
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sundrop-writes · 6 months ago
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oo! I was just unsure of how you could do it for some of the characters but I trust you to come up with good scenarios, you’re always very creative with them.
So, could I ask for how you think teen wolf characters Stiles, Isaac, Lydia, & Derek would react to finding out reader is pregnant? (could be with their baby, or however else you think up bc ofc Lydia can’t get anyone pregnant 😂)
And no you are not alone. I really like pregnancy and baby fics, which is why I was wondering, but I was still a bit worried you weren’t up for it for this particular fandom! It’s very fun to read about having an imaginary family with my fav characters and the variety of diff scenarios that could lead to it.
'I'm sure you could come up with something good' - and the first time I read this message, I came up with something delightfully insane for Lydia. so strap in omg
I am also glad that I'm not the only one who likes pregnancy and kid fics!!! I think they are so much fun because it has elements of drama and fluff and caring. It's such a nice soup of emotions. I really hope you like what I have done here.
Teen Wolf requests are OPEN. Please read my Rules before requesting!
How would the pack react to finding out that you're pregnant with their baby?
Included: Stiles Stilinski, Isaac Lahey, Lydia Martin, and Derek Hale.
Warnings: usually I do GN readers for reactions but this one called for fem!reader - the reader uses she/her pronouns and has a vagina (and has the ability to get pregnant); in Lydia's section, the reader is a werewolf; mentions of the reader having typical pregnancy symptoms; sexual themes (baby making - duh), some sentences that could be considered smutty?; I think Isaac's part is the longest because we know I have a fucking soft spot for him; mentions of unprotected sex (again - duh); mentions of the abuse Isaac experienced from his father (not detailed); umm idk what else - generally mature themes? But no major warnings other than that.
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Stiles would freeze up. He would be so unsure how to react to the information that for a while, he wouldn't react at all.
When the words came out of your mouth, he thought he had misheard you.
"Stiles, I - I'm pregnant."
"What?" He gaped in response.
"I'm pregnant." You affirmed gently.
He sat there, frozen with shock, and didn't say anything for a long time.
He was overwhelmed with too many thoughts and emotions. He wanted to be happy, but he felt like he wasn't ready for this. But he also wasn't ready for half the things that had happened to him in life so far - being kidnapped (more than once), having friends die or nearly die around him, being possessed by a thousand year old demon and fighting to be freed.
This was good, right?
It was you. He wanted you, he wanted everything that came with a life with you.
But it was so soon.
His dad was going to kill him.
"Stiles, say something, please-" You begged quietly, and when your eyes began to brim with tears, that broke him free from his horrible shock.
He couldn't stand to see you hurt. He jumped off the bed and swept you into a hug, holding you tight. Instinctively, you squeezed him back, seeking the comfort that always came from his touch.
"Hey, hey, I'm sorry." He said, whispering into your neck. "I'm sorry, I know this is bad-"
"You think it's bad?" You posed in return, misconstruing his words. "So - so you don't want to keep it?"
His heart shook in his chest.
Of all the things he had been thinking, that was not one of them.
"No." He said sharply, pulling away from the hug to get a good look at your tearful face. Your features were still twisted with pain, and he absolutely hated it. "I just - I just meant that you're upset, and that's bad."
"Well - what about the pregnancy part?" You asked urgently. "What do you think about that part?"
"It's scary as hell." He answered honestly. Your lip quivered, and he rushed to say more. "But for once in my life, I think it's the good kind of scary, like - like roller coasters or scary movies where you know nobody actually gets hurt, or - or spicy hot wings." He rambled on. "I'm terrified, but I think this is gonna be amazing. There's nobody else that I'd rather have a baby with than you."
Saying the word 'baby' out loud made it all terribly real.
You gave him a wet, tearful smile, and then pulled him into a kiss.
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Isaac would be upset and insecure.
After you told him, Isaac ran - he ditched out of your bedroom window, leaving you alone and tearful, and after you spent days in bed sobbing (your sadness likely multiplied by the pregnancy hormones), you would be determined to track him down. Even if he didn't agree to be a father, even if he didn't own up to it, at the very least, you needed to finish the conversation you had started. You needed closure - the end of the relationship, if that's what he wanted.
After days of him dodging you, you finally managed to catch him at Derek's loft. It was clear that he wanted to run again, but Derek's words about owning up to his responsibilities were ringing in his ears, and he decided that at the very least, he owed you an explanation. He would give you the conversation you so desperately wanted.
"What the fuck, Isaac?" You barked at him, tears edging in your eyes again at seeing him for the first time in a week. "What the hell is wrong with you? I-"
"You really want me to run down that fucking laundry list now?" He snapped, more bitter and rage fuelled than you had ever seen him. His voice caused chills down your spine. "Because I'm surprised it's taken you this long to notice one thing, let alone half of it!"
This was not the man who you had fallen in love with. This wasn't your sweet, loving Isaac. This wasn't the man who had taken you to bed, kissed over every inch of your body, made you so ripe with passion that something like a condom felt insignificant compared to the cosmos you saw in his eyes as he pushed his cock inside of you.
"Isaac, what are you talking about?" You asked, your voice small, barely edging above a whisper as you stared him down carefully, searching through his eyes - wondering if everything before this had just been an act to get you into bed.
All you saw boiling up inside of him was hurt, and it made you ache too.
"I don't expect you to know." He sighed fitfully, shaking his head.
You put a hand over your stomach, a protective instinct, and his gaze focused there. Regret splashed up inside of him, and he couldn't contain his next words.
"When you told me you were pregnant, did you expect the fucking sun to shine down and angels to sing and some fucking - Hallmark bullshit?" He questioned, clearly jaded.
You hadn't expected that, but you hadn't expected him to run away. Part of you expected him to be happy.
"I can't be happy about this." He told you, almost as if reading your mind. "I have shitty, horrible DNA. I'm a monster, Y/N." You gave him a puzzled look, and he continued. "I'm not talking about the werewolf thing - my father was a horrible person. You know that. I can't be around a kid. I can't have a baby. I can't risk it."
He said the last part softly, that terrible regret lacing his voice, and suddenly, in that moment, it all became crystal clear to you. He thought his father's abusive ways would be hereditary.
Your chest clenched with a horrible pain, and you wandered across the room toward him, and instinctively, he backed away from you.
"Don't." He said, continuing to eye your stomach sharply. You realized now that he thought he was protecting your baby by staying away from it, staying away from you.
You inched toward him again, this time managing to snag his hand, which you brought to place flat on your stomach. You were early in your pregnancy, not showing (your stomach not any different than it normally would be) - but something wolfish inside of him flared with protectiveness, something could sense that different thing about you. It was subtle, but he could feel and hear another heartbeat under his palm. He wanted to run again, but feeling this, being so close - it caused him to relax against you, instinctively wrapping his other arm around your shoulders and pulling you close.
"Isaac, you're nothing like your father." You told him quietly. "You're not going to hurt our baby-"
"But what if I do?" He argued, his voice cracking with fear.
"You won't." You assured him. "We both know that you won't."
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Lydia would be shocked - in denial. Because - what the fuck is happening? This shouldn't be scientifically possible, right? Right?
At first, she was convinced that you cheated on her. She freaked out about that. She screamed at you, threw things. You cried because you hated that she was accusing you of such a horrible crime, even if you understood why (to an extent). She shouldn't be able to get you pregnant, so it was perfectly sane to think that you had cheated on her with a guy during the course of your relationship - even though you hadn't. This was crazy. This shouldn't be possible.
When you had first started feeling the symptoms - the nausea, the irritability, the generally off feeling, something that kept nagging at you and had all of your senses on edge, you hadn't even thought to take a pregnancy test. Even when you missed your period, you assumed that it was stress, not eating right... a laundry list of other things before you would have assumed this.
But then - Derek pulled you aside and asked why you smelled like that. He said the only other time he had smelled it was when he was much younger - before the fire, when one of his aunts was pregnant. You told him that it wasn't possible, and he told you that his nose never lied.
So - driven crazy by the thought, and believing it to be impossible, you peed on the stupid little stick. And then another, and then another, entirely in disbelief. And when you dumped a bunch of pee covered sticks onto Scott's Mom's kitchen counter, much to her horror, asking her if there was any way they could be wrong. She told you it was unlikely, but took you to the hospital to get you a blood test, and when it came back positive, she asked you who the father was.
She gave you that same fish-gaped mouth when you told her.
"Lydia." You sighed. "Lydia is the father. She's the only person I've ever had sex with."
And this left you and Lydia in Derek's kitchen with him and Stiles, with your positive blood test sitting in the middle of the counter, Stiles pouring over every book he could find on the subject - all of you irritably confused.
"How?" Lydia gaped, still in shock. "How?"
"I don't know." Derek shrugged. "You tell me."
"And - and you didn't cheat on me?" Lydia asked you, still believing this to be the most logical answer.
"Yes." Derek answered, cutting you off. "She's not lying. That much I can tell you."
You were glad that he backed you up on this, but it still left everyone confused and searching for answers.
"Look, okay, Lydia - you survived the Alpha bite, you have some weird immunity." Stiles said, pausing between his frantic page flipping. "Maybe... this is what happens when you have sex with a werewolf?"
Lydia scoffed and you hid your face in your hands with embarrassment. You wondered if it had something to do with the full moon. The last time - you had been so full of energy, pulsing with power as the moon came to its fullness overhead, and you had pinned her down, spent hours rubbing your cunt raw against hers. But you never thought that anything the two of you did could result in a pregnancy.
"Maybe it would help if you tell me exactly what you two did?" Stiles suggested - he was thinking of it from a theoretical, scientific standpoint, not realizing how perverted this sounded until after it left his lips.
"Really?!" Lydia glared at him.
You picked up a nearby vase and threw it at him without hesitation, and he dodged it, causing it to smash against the wall behind his head, disintegrating into dust.
"Okay, bad idea!"
"Just shut up and keep reading."
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Derek would be intensely protective. From the second the words came out of your mouth, the entire axis of his world shifted. Everything became about you and protecting you and your unborn baby.
"Derek, I think I'm pregnant."
Everything suddenly made sense. The change in your scent, the odd way you had been acting, the fact that you had been sick recently.
He couldn't contain the deep, feral growl he let out - the way his eyes lit up as the news fully overtook him. The flash of red made you mistake him as angry, and your entire body sagged.
"Look, I'm sorry, but this isn't just my fault-" You hissed sharply at him, and he cut you off by sealing his lips over your own, smothering you in an intense, hot, confusing kiss.
Of course he knew that it wasn't 'just your fault'. The two of you had sex plenty of times, but if he wasn't mistaken, he remembered the night vividly well-
You thought it would be funny to tease him by tempting him with a chase through the woods, and it ended with you stomach down in a clearing, your cheek pressed against the dirt while he fucked into you roughly from behind, growling warnings in your ear, telling you not to tease him again. (Which only made you want to do it again, and again.)
"Don't be sorry, moonflower." He mumbled against your lips, using his nickname for you. "Don't ever be sorry about this."
The passion that overtook his voice sent chills down your spine. You were speechless.
"Derek?" You questioned, a quiet chirp that almost died off in your throat.
"From now on, you don't leave my sight, do you understand me?" He said, gently running his knuckles across your face, as sweet and soothing as you had ever seen him.
Before, he had been subtle in his protection of you. Reaching over to snap on your seatbelt before you could do it yourself, always putting an arm around you, especially in the face of danger, making sure that he walked in front of you if thought there might be a threat around. He had never been this outright passionate about his protection of you before.
But he would never risk the life of his unborn child - he would never let anybody come between him and the woman who was going to mother that child. It was a sacred bond now.
"Yes, of course." You couldn't help but to agree.
Then, Derek surprised you when he knelt down in front of you, placing his forehead on your stomach and gently closing his eyes as if partaking in the solitude of prayer. Which, he was - uttering silent promises to your unborn child, worshipping at the altar of the powerful, beautiful woman who was going to bring that baby into this world.
It left you speechless once again, and all you could do was run your fingers through his hair, further adding to his peace.
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