#bc i like to experience myself as i happen and i hate labeling myself

[szayelapowo]

fuuuuccckk i think i prefer the therian label over otherkin for myself but i really dont wanna have to change the tags on all my posts again ugh (i use the ios mobile app in which the mass post editor seemingly doesnt exist?)

also question. am i even allowed to call myself a therian when my 'type is a church grim? like i was a regular living dog originally that was killed and became a spectral entity with a human level of intelligence (and later was given shapeshifting powers from an evil thing) so idk?

ive been in the ah/nh community off and on for at least a decade but i never know what to call myself bc i keep seeing wildly differing definitions of therianthropy and otherkinity which just confuses me bc severe nd brainfog & learning difficulties. ig i could just stick with calling myself nonhuman and leave it at that but. i have an obsessive need to have exact labels for all of my experiences that is actually so fucking annoying lmfao 🫠

edit: yeah fuck it im just gonna stick with nonhuman for now. not therian, otherkin, or anything else.

i also genuinely cant tell if my nonhumanness is spiritual or psychological in origin. like im so sure this is a past life thing but also i EXTREMELY DO NOT WANT that to be the case. like i would be fine knowing my identity is caused by my being schizospec/abused/autistic or whatever but i veeery much dont want it to be a case of reincarnation like i think it is bc that would mean it might happen again when this life ends, in which case i would forget about and be separated from my mate which is just a completely terrifying and unbearable thought to me (for both of us). like literally that would be worse than just getting sent to hell wtf

like literally how does anyone figure this shit out i hate it. i hate not knowing why im the way i am. ive been trying to find out for a wholeass decade at this point and i never get any closer to the answer. fuck.

[mewos-laptop]

Yoooo intro post ???? ‼‼‼

Hey gamers, uhhh I'm Mewo/Albedo/Fruity and this is my general/mix of so much shit blog !!! My other one is strictly alterhuman based primarily, but I wanted one that my irl friends are permitted to be privy to lmao

Abt me: I'm queer, generally using the label "gay" for myself, an agender trans boy, and polyamorous aromantic/fictoromantic. I use a shit ton of pronouns, but I primarily use it/its, xey/xem, and rlly any noun neopronouns. I also use he/him, however I am brought much joy by my neopronouns being used, so he/him is secondary :P. I'm diagnosed with clinical anxiety (over most of the anxiety disorder spectrum, so including OCD and social), depression, and Hypermobile Spectrum Disorder (HSD), and am self diagnosed autistic, ADHD, and BPD.

I'm a singlet who will sometimes use we/us pronouns !!!! This is because I have severe separation of myself and my emotions and actions. I am aware and conscious that I am a single person logistically, however my lack of identity and moodswings cause me to feel that separation of self.

SPEAKING OF WHO I AM, KIN LIST JUST DROPPED Y'ALL (Subject to change/being outdated bc I don't have enough time in my day to add and remove every single questioning kin everytime smth happens in my brain XD)

We also have a list of "emotions" which may take hold, and information about them.

I'm an alterhuman, a xenogender user, and generally the cringiest person you'll meet !!! My interests that I'm gonna post abt mostly are alt fashion/fashion in general, OMORI/rlly just my friend's OMORI posts, my friend's writing projects, my own writing projects, Regretivator, various mental health stuff, and rlly just anything in general that I like (speaking of which check out Carolina Magat on YT/The Nursery Series my friend [@valleyfthdolls] makes it and it's cool and I play Cody hehe)

I'm a scene kid in style/music taste and a punk in ideals, sparkledog nightmare cringe boyfailure, baby Kandi kid, and the scary faggot transspecies the conservatives warned you about.

Oh yeah, I'm also a minor (16-18 age range) sooo NSFW/NSFT dni plsss Xp

Other DNI shit. I don't cover everything, but I do just block ppl who make me uncomfortable :3

-Including an entire new paragraph for this bc holy shit. THOSE WHO ARE NOT PLURAL WHO ENGAGE IN SYSCOURSE DO NOT INTERACT. No, I do NOT care abt your "hot takes" on endos, you are not plural, so leave it alone. I do not give a shit if sum1 is an endo, it literally has nothing to do w/ me, and I am not plural, so I do not understand that experience whatsoever. Leave it to plurals themselves to talk abt this shit, bc I am so tired of seeing singlets yap on and on abt endos.

-Identity police (specifically ppl who hate "conflicting" queer identities, bc literally sum1's identity has nothing to do w/ you XD), proshippers (I am fully aware it's fiction, no, I do not hate those who engage with hard topics in fiction, but that does not mean I want the romanticized view of those things for the titillation of the viewer on my dash, ESPECIALLY due to it triggering my intrusive thoughts), racists, homophobes, transphobes, Zionists, pro-cringeculture, anti-recovery blogs, anti-alterhuman, intersexists, radfems, blah blah blah y'all get it.

BYI: I will post the occasional vent, I have a godawful memory, and I am severely mentally ill. I will often react before thinking when I am in states of distress, and my BPD can make me inappropriately angry, or inappropriately emotional. I have a hard time remembering trigger tags at times due to my bad memory, so please give me gentle reminders if I mistag something, or if I forget to tag something for you. Just in general, if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, give me a gentle reminder, because chances are I just literally didn't realize/or I forgot.

Alr bye bye :3

[our-lesboy-experience]

as a peculiar lesbian myself i think its hilarious how anti lesboys/anti mspec lesbians either push lesbians who arent fluid in their gender (in terms of being multigender) under the rug or try to severely police how they should identify.. just because THEY dont like it. and most of the time these people who are mad arent even lesbian identifying either which is absolutely WILD??? anyways, im proud of being an aroace, contrapan, pan lesbian boygirlthing. well at least im proud of it in inclusive spaces. thanks exclus! youve made me scared of revealing my full identity to friends! even on roblox! fucking roblox! thank god my closest friends literally dont understand mspec lesbians at all which makes it easier to explain to them how i feel without them being mad at me. thank yew c and e (first letter only for anonymity obvi) but oh well, itll probably be accepted by most in a few years anyways. thats how all this 'discourse' goes. something becomes popular from tumblr, people dont like it because it becomes a 'mockery of their community' as they so call it, and then they learn more about it and proceed to then use those labels while entirely ignoring their absolute vitriol in the near past. but at least people learn.. even if it takes way too long. and i will admit i never understood things like mspec lesbians in the past but also i was on fucking queer insta. as a 12 year old in 2019. but at least i never attacked anyone and still remained openminded, bc SOMEHOW queer insta was a little more stable than tiktok is now? its a miracle. SHOCKER! anyways, sorry this is such a LONGGGG ramble, and im even more sorry if my wording is absolute SHIT! i type how i speak and i speak in major tangents. thats autism for you. have a good day tumblr user our lesboy experience (>_<)

yeah I relate to everything you just said. the most vitriolic hate I've ever gotten for being a lesboy were from non-lesbians. really

the mspec lesbian discourse started in like 2020 when covid hit, and then lesboy discourse had been following right behind. guess that's what happens when you have a bunch of people stuck inside with nothing but the internet to access the outside world

[adhd-worlds]

okay. hi. *breath*

i've always hated being called normal - but now when i look at myself i am thinking - is that because i'm not? - i show 'symptoms' (sorry but i kinda hate that word) of autism and adhd, but nothing major???

short attention span on certain topics, easily distracted, bad time management, i can zone out doing a repetative task/motion for 10/20 minutes (playing with figit toys and simular) or just staring into space - which i find oddly calming and helps me to zone out. i take stuff very literally and people tell me i take it personally, i don't think i do, i just don't understand them. this happens with certain peolpe more than others and alot though text messages. i don't like noisy areas but can cope most of the time. i get angry if i am asked (by close family members) to do a task i am already doing/do regularly every day without fail, but it also depends alot on tone of voice. i get upset very quickly and find it hard to control my emotions alot of the time. i find that stimming (though voluntary, something i conciously start and can stop) relaxes me and helps me focus. i am a visual learner and can take a long time to complete tasks, and sometimes just loose interest altogeather.

sorry for rambling, just hoping for some help, i have suggested i have mild ADHD to my dad who instantly told me not to start feeling pressurised to label myself and that it's okay because i'm totally normal...

thanks

j.

Lets go bit by bit. I don't think a lot of people like being called normal because it equates to being called "boring" or if you have idk, a "normal music taste" it means mainstream. Generally people don't like being seen as the same as everyone else, imo but then again, I live in an echo chamber filled with very interesting and different people who in some way or another, don't fit into "normal".

Secondly, a lot of what you shared are traits of autism/ADHD, quite likely you have both but I wouldn't use me as something to go by. I recommend doing the RAADS-R test for autism and there are questionnaires that are used in adhd diagnosis appointments online that sort of gage if you are. Also helps to read experiences people have online, especially those diagnosed with one or both later on (teens to 20s) and their day to day experiences and their schooling experiences. And then, if (when) you can or want to, start seeking out a dx from doctors.

Also, just an FYI, stimming is a voluntary action. If it was uncontrollable, it would be a tick. Stimming is usually fueled by a very strong desire to do xyz action in order to calm down or show excitement etc so it seems like it's uncontrollable. But myself and many others have repressed the urge to do so around certain people or at work or school bc masking. And part of unlearning the masking is to let yourself/choose to stim

[limeade-l3sbian]

i’m not so much talking about whether you would like it or not, but rather: do you see yourself as a person who needs romantic companionship in your life eventually? obviously you won’t disintegrate without, but i’m talking needing as in for your psychological and physical well-being in the long run.

i’ve come to realize i cannot relate to this and people who aren’t able to go without being in a relationship are to me so strange, even though that honestly seems to be the norm. i don’t even want a romantic relationship. not to say i would be against falling in love and all that but i don’t dream of it and i certainly don’t crave it. i’m curious how you are in this regard? obviously i don’t know you, but you strike me a someone who functions well alone too.

i get that wanting romance is normal in theory but i don’t understand why.

there’s lots of other things i totally get the need for, but this and sex are two things that are on the same spectrum of inconsequential to me. that’s also why i’ll never be able to rightfully contribute to the celibate convo that’s been going on in radfem spaces in regards to heterosexual women, because even though i’m not asexual, i genuinely don’t get the big deal of living without romance and sex. people will say it’s unfair to ask that of anyone and i’ll think it probably IS for the average person, but to me it still seems totally unrelatable to not be able to live full lives without it. this isn’t a convo of to be or not to be celebate btw, i’m just adding it as an example of when this feeling of not needing romance has really shown it’s face in my life and hindered my, i guess, empathy? and that’s why i never join that convo bc i can see i’m the odd one out.

it’s honestly so embarrassing to an extent. i wish more people spoke of this but when i’ve tried to speak of it in some contexts elsewhere, i immediately get labeled all these different things like “aromantic” and “asexual” and i’m just not. i’m not against romance. it’s not that i can’t feel it. same with attraction and such. but it’s really easy to ignore for me, like no biggie. there’s so many other bigger more important emotions and experiences in my eyes. almost everyone wants romance and partnership but to me it just seems kinda tiring and risky. like why risk my peace for a thing that does in most cases end by breaking up for whatever reasons? it’s not me being scared of it but i don’t see the point of the effort i guess..

friendships i get and they are important to me. i don’t see them as replacements or anything for romance. i just value those more and i think they seem more genuine to me? i’m not in a situation where i couldn’t find safe partners bc i am bisexual with mainly attraction to women but even then i still have no desperation for love like that. if it happens, that’s cool but i’ve come to realize that if i don’t actively seek it out it’s pretty easy to go through your life without any romantic relationships in peace. obviously the same maybe can’t be said for ultra attractive people but for mediocre folks like myself, life is pretty peaceful in that regard unless i actively tried to put myself out there which i won’t lol.

it’s not like i hate seeing romantic stuff. movies or books with romantic plots can be super cute and enjoyable for me but i don’t crave those things in my life even. when i see it. i don’t sigh after it. it’s like seeing a video of someone trying bungeejumping. it looks fun and cool but i wouldn’t go out of my way to seek the experience out because my life is fine without it.

am i totally alone in this feeling i wonder

I think in recent years there has been a weird push for romantic relationships and what the "best version" of them looks like. And, to be honest, your assumption is correct.

I think I cared in high school I got swept up in wanting to date because teenage romance seemed so romantic to me. But now, as an adult, I feel no intense need to be with someone. I'm not asexual and I'm not opposed to love or sex, like you said. I just...don't care? I just care about having people in my life who I care about and who care about me.

And with the asexual thing. In an increasingly hypersexual world, I think people are quick to "other" those of us who just don't really care. So if you don't crave love and need sex, you must be asexual. Which is...false, on a lot of levels.

To be honest, this whole reply could just be me restating, "Like you said" lmao. You and I have a pretty mutual feeling about the whole thing. I'm at peace with the state of my social life. I don't feel any pressure to be married or to date or whatever. When it happens, it happens, and I go for it. But when things don't work out? I mean, that's just life, I feel like.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Catharsis / FYI / Lesson Learned

Just know that when you see a non-Sydcarmy fic out there with a plot that includes codependency syndrome, a hotel chain poaching Carmy and taking him abroad, a happy ending, and Donna being a recovered alcoholic, which I have already mentioned time and time again on my blog that I think is gonna be her redemption arc (unless she dies), and that the main non Sydcarmy couple breaks up and gets back together when her codependency syndrome is under control, THAT PLOT IS ACTUALLY MINE (and a previous Sydcarmy plot about a trans person and a gay guy befriending Carmy in rehab, too, btw) bc I made the mistake of helping a writer with her fics. Ofc I have the receipts but I rather not use them, I’m not like that. I don’t expect credit bc after this writer used me, with my consent, she blocked me. It’s fine, I was clear from the get-go and I mention this all the time on my blog, that I only enjoy, write and read Sydcarmy content and she disagreed with that. I did make a small and occasional exception for her, though and I now regret it, and quite frankly that's the only thing I regret, even knowing the end result at this point. My bad.

Not that I owe ANYONE any explanation for my preferences as a writer, reader, fan, or viewer but I have my reasons for 💯 thinking that the best writing in this fandom can be found in Sydcarmy fics and that other pairs are usually extremely OC and are typically a bunch of dialogue lines thrown out there with no plot and a lot of smut (you guys know how much I dig smut, right?), which is not really my cup of tea but I fully support that it may be others'. I just happened to notice that it's not necessarily as complex as a concept to write about, bc in that case you don't have to worry about characterization or about what the creator/writer/director/EP really meant to say or tried to convey with their work, seeing as you completely disregard or bypass it and just keep the same names. I get it though: it’s easier and more practical to just write OC and pour down on the page all your sexual fantasies in the second person. I’m just not here for it and I am not sorry about it. And I’m unapologetic about this bc as I mentioned, to each their own, let's just be open about it.

This fandom is big enough not to have to cross paths and just be able to coexist peacefully, agreeing to disagree (if you are mature enough to handle that ofc). As long as the content is properly tagged and disclaimed, etc so we can all decide what to stay away from and what to dig in, making an informed decision, that is. Let's be clear: I don’t have to like ANYTHING, none of us have to be on the same page as to what fics we think are good or bad, which ones we love or which ones we fucking hate with a passion, but we all should act with integrity, here and offline. So that being said, I wasn’t treated that way and even though I feel used, I enabled it, so… karma, I guess. I was even stupid enough to send voice notes bc I was at work and then a few messages down the convo this person said: "I think I will have X do Y and Z...", which was exactly to the T what I had suggested AS PER HER INSISTENT REQUEST a few messages prior in my voice notes. So, I guess I had it coming...

While I have only been on Tumblr for like 5 minutes (2 months and 1/2), I have been quite active in other fandoms in the past, such as LTM and TXF, because I was born in the 80s, guys :) and nothing like this has ever happened to me before, I even had an account on FF.net where I did lots of collabs, and half the time I just donated my ideas bc I was too busy to actually write the fics myself and I was traveling all the time, so it was easier for me to let someone else write the stories, I have no issues sharing as long as everything is properly labeled. Everything was dreamy back then, I never had this kinda experiences before, and will take every precaution moving forward to never have them again, because it feels shitty and OC for me.

My points are:

1- Just FYI.

2- I don’t take this lightly #LessonLearned

3- Let’s agree to disagree in peace, please.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[burnedwriter]

people are being such pieces of shits to writers like they are not real people,like i just had a friend tell me she got death threats over a non problematic character she wrote about and enjoyed writing,just bc that person did not like them like i dont understand people sometimes,specially in the genshin fandom thats a huge problem(the character was thoma btw).I have an experience myself that also happened were i was posting about how my work is being community labeled and i got like 3 aggresive hate anon asks on my inbox for no reason instead of explaining what community label does,thank god another anon explained to me what it does in the nicest way possible(to however was that anon i love you!) .Remember behind the screens there are real people that have real feelings not machines

To all my fic writers out there stay safe and dont let anyone stop you from doing something you love!

[ballplayersxo]

https://www.tumblr.com/ballplayersxo/732566555741831168/anybody-got-tea-on-the-current-spurs-they-used-to?source=share

i came across this ask which ill give my first shot at answering in my own way cause im a spurs fan! and girl all i can say is i wish there was more tea to report on 😭😭 not to say that theres zero drama going down in san antonio.. ive always asked myself: theres so much nba tea floating around but so little on my guys?? but now i understand that drama doesnt happen as regularly bc gregg popovich has more control over these niggas off the court than you would expect. in other teams its not really a common thing for coaches to hold players accountable for non basketball related things but id compare pop/the organization to a teacher/school because in a way they operate as figures of authority (similar to college-style basketball). its tougher to find spurs drama since he keeps the younger guys on a tighter leash after learning the hard way from tim duncans messy ass divorce/tony parkers cheating scandal but i assure you tea is there even tho its harder to find. i do agree with anon that sochan and vassell look like hoes but idk if we'll ever get to know that (unproven rn) side of them aside from speculation by who they follow on insta. including jeremy whos the most active on socials, all of them trained to move in silence + being a small market + tight pr means less reports but yes there is some tea and hottakes id like to spill although its not much

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/418962509115162624/1160664218702454914/IMG_3983.png?ex=6547f0c9&is=65357bc9&hm=cbc6e61c04ea464c85ab01827c17443f5d57ad2343fdbd96a76846644bb85168&

speaking of primo hes an ex spur but josh primo signed a new contract after joining the clippers and proposed to his (white) gf (story in attachment above). congrats her ig he has the face of a child whos balls havent dropped yet AND is a sex offender 🤷🏾‍♀️

context for everyone who doesnt know: primo was waived (even after he signed a contract extension apparently) because he flashed his ugly d*ck to a team staff member and then claimed he did it bc he had mental health issues. after primos babyface was sued by his psychologist (the woman he flashed) he was waived without so goodbye to his creepy ass. (on a personal note i really hate how "mental health" is used as some excuse for these sorts of things. like this nigga seriously thinks theres any valid excuse for flashing his tiny pp at women?? especially the woman whos job was helping out his "mental health" shit in the first place?? foh). it had way less info than an event like the kpj case but i think the lack of it is a testament to the spurs pr so there could be other stuff in the bg we as the public simply dont know abt

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on a more positive note ik julian champangie has a gf. shes makes frequent cameos on his insta and vice versa and have been together since high school. also i dont have the link but i clearly remember another anon in an old post here claimed that sochan is bi and follows trans women but ill put that to sleep since its false. being bi isnt 100% out of the question obviously (literally anybody can be bi without us knowing. looking at you dwight.) but theres no real evidence besides: omg look he dyes his hair and has an aesthetic he must be bi!!! i think people see a nigga who has an eccentric sense of style and instantly wanna jump to label him but nawww ive seen his following on insta 😂😂 anon was confusing "trans women" for TONS of polish/british/american (all white) insta thots. hes a cutie but it wouldnt be farfetched to assume hes not into black women. yall he aint bisexual hes biracial 😂😂

https://x.com/RTNBA/status/1691153501299134464?s=20

unrelated: sochan rookie hazing wembanyama during the offseason was kinda funny tho

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https://youtu.be/1VZykbSv7nk?feature=shared

dejounte and jaina are always on and off afaik lmfao girl secured some big bags. anyways dj talking about his experience with the spurs was insightful for me. i wasnt aware before there was alot of clash between ghetto behavior and how the organization wanted him to behave but frankly im not surprised by it

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not really gossip related but stories of irl players ive encountered:

(retired spur) i met david robinson at church when i was really young. i remember being scared of him at first cause he was so tall lol but i remember him sitting down to shake my hand and my parents taking a picture of us. its kinda embarrassing since it has the vibes of a baby crying on santas lap but funny nonetheless 😂😂

got an autograph from demar a few years back. it was quick and we didnt talk much since he had to leave after but he was cool when i asked

the only current spur ive met is devin vassell in a random encounter at the gas station (this was last yr). i recognized him but wasnt sure how he was gonna react to being approached for an autograph/photo but he was really sweet w it. i asked him where he was headed to & he said the gym but joked after that, a nap at home with his dogs lol. the names of his two dogs, iirc he told me: donovan and ace. very warm, he has a pleasant voice and smile too, if hes a longtime spur he should join our broadcast team once he retires lmao

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thank you for coming to my sas analysis despite my team lowkey tanking right now. have a great day owner, ill go back to lurking now, god bless you.

lmao anon thank you for this, i appreciate when you guys send long asks about things you care about!! but the josh primo case was definitely something that never made much sense to me. like why would he do that? i just can’t comprehend the thought process. it was a thing here in canada and a bunch of people were talking about it cause i know people who used to play with him. it’s getting weird. idk where to start with dejounte and jania but they’re both very annoying and belong with each other tbh. & gay/bi allegations are everywhere it’s crazy. lmao this was interesting overall though

[scaryarcade]

are u able to talk more about coming to understand being a median subsystem within a multiple system cuz thats my situation lmao. im very comfortable with my DID cause ive known about it for 8 years but i only started seriously considering being a facet within the past year and recently have been using my name instead of the other name

ive KNOWN about median systems for as long as ive known abt my plurality (we used to id as median bc the plural community on here was awful and shoehorned everyone who didnt fit stereotypical DID displays into that label, but even then we knew it was wrong) but actually understanding being median myself is all new to me. the lack of clear distinction between me and the other facet and what to even refer to ourselves as is frustrating

although, on the other hand its certainly relieving coming to understand this part of myself, especially because i was suppressed for a long time because i didnt really understand what was actually happening and thought it was an unhealthy thing (can elaborate more on that if needed)

P.S. part of the reason i have DID is because i was abused by my psychiatrist when i was a kid so i fucking hate the psych system too 👍 ur a real one u get it

hi yeah i can do my best!

i only really became aware of being a subsystem...i guess it must have been last year, in the spring? i dont think we actually even really were a subsystem before that. we used to be 1 singular alter, who also happened to be the host--we started hosting right around the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. i think the stress of hosting, both internal and external, caused us to fragment. i think trauma processing has contributed to splits in our subsystem as well? i know 🐛 most likely formed to embody & cope with unearthed feelings/memories related to a specific kind of trauma; in kind of the opposite fashion, i think 🎶 formed to avoid and detach from trauma processing.

its really hard to concisely pin down why "median subsystem" feels like the right term as opposed to just "subsystem", so i'm just going to throw out a bunch of random stuff we experience (this got long so i'm putting it under a cut):

our relationships with each other are very different from our relationships with other alters. we feel intrinsically connected, although we can also feel extremely separate from each other & often have high dissociative barriers. communication & control over switches is actually much harder within my subsystem than it is with alters outside it! (i think this is because of a lack of clear distinction, like you mentioned in your ask.) we often conceptualize ourselves as being clones or copies of the same person; we often feel like different versions of one person. most of us use the same name(s). all of these are factors in why we use the term "median" for ourselves

figuring this out has been a long and confusing process. especially because often we DO function as one unit and all kind of blend together. dissociative barriers sometimes greatly diminish when we feel very safe or minimally stressed; on the other hand, when barriers are high, introspection is hard!!! so coming to terms with "sometimes i just won't know what facet i am for sure and that's ok" has been a whole thing.

i will say the number one thing that has helped us distinguish between each other has been starting to understand our switch triggers. we've really only started fully grasping this within the past month or so. but we are reaching a point where we can look at what's going on in our life and what's going on with our emotions/stress and figure out which facet is likely to be here rn to deal with it.

switches in our subsystem tend to be triggered internally when one of us hits some kind of emotional limit. 🐛 tends to stress out and be hypervigilant and defensive to the point where it can't physically function; when it collapses under the weight of that, then i often show up to give us a break bc my default response is to freeze/go numb lol. if we are lethargic/depressed/frozen for too long or feel stifled/trapped by stressors, 🎶 shows up with basically infinite energy and optimism to break us out of that fog. alternatively, if i get overwhelmed by shame/guilt, 🌻 will perceive this as a threat to our safety and show up with all of his defensiveness & prickliness & general misanthropy lmao.

so, anyway, for us, when we're trying to figure out who's who the general question we've landed on is "what has been overwhelming to us recently" and we can usually get a better sense of who's out this way.

ofc idk if any of this will be at all applicable to your situation but i wanted to share my experience in as much detail as i can jsut in case any of this does end up being helpful ^_^

[nothinginthisworldbelongstome]

1,4,30

yayayay an ask from my moot! hii thank u!!

1. how long have you known you liked girls?

well, my experience was never an 'something happened and i just *knew*' sort of thing. it was very slow, and it was harder bc i grew up with an extremely conservative christian family.

i didnt even know gay/trans people were a thing till i was like 11 or 12, bc i was homeschooled. but i started reading fanfiction at that age, beginning with straight couples, then going to mlm, and finally wlw. and it slowly seeped into my mind that my thoughts and feelings towards girls werent typical for straight girls.

i have always extremely disliked men, since i was very young, like 3 or so, and i never dreamed of my wedding. 'boy crazy' girls were unfathomable to me, i just could never understand what they saw in guys.

and ive always had extremely strong, almost worshipful 'crushes' towards other girls that i thought were just me reallyyyy wanting to be friends with them lmaooo. i was totally clueless until i realized being gay was a 'thing' that i could do. and even then, it wasnt fast. i evaluated all my current and previous relationships with girls, took SO MANY am i gay quizzes lmaooo, and even thought i was asexual for a while bc it was so hard for me to be okay with the idea of being sexually attracted to women (even tho i had accepted that i was definitely romantically attracted to them, purity culture is a hell of a thing to get over)

i also had a really big problem. see, i didnt only have to figure out my sexuality, i also had to fit it into my religion at that time and figure out what i believed. my church believes homosexuality is a sin, one u need to fight against, and if u dont ur going to hell. thats been a fact my whole life. its been ingrained in me since birth. so i had to try and root these ideas out of my mind, and that was really fucking hard. anyone who's ever had to 'unlearn' something knows just how difficult it is.

a part of accepting myself i had trouble with was also me struggling with the label 'lesbian'. i didnt like it at first, in fact i nearly hated it, even tho it was the only one i identified with besides the general 'gay' or 'queer'. i didnt like how it sounded, it felt almost dirty, sleazy even, with the prominent 'z' sound. it felt like it stuck out from all the other identities and just sounded 'bad'. i used to just say i was gay or queer instead of a lesbian. this was internalized homophobia, something i still struggle with from time to time. but luckily i was able to overcome it and now i proudly call myself a lesbian!

i also had a period of time where i thought i was bisexual bc it was hard to realize that i didnt have to be attracted to men, and i kind of thought it was 'okay' if i liked women as long as i still could like men too (spoiler alert: i couldnt).

but finally around the age of 16/17 i finally became entirely comfortable with myself and my label, and began coming out to those friends and family i knew were accepting.

4. do you have a crush at the moment?

not exactlyyyyy hehe

30. what experiences are you looking forward to having in the future (kissing a girl, going to pride, etc)?

god literally all of them. ive never been kissed (or fucked 🫣) and i want to have an (irl) girlfriend so so badly. ive never been to pride and i really want too. i want to get married eventually and have a family with the woman i love, i want to create a home with them. i want to live my life and just be who i am without having to stay closeted anymore.

thank u so so so much for the ask! and sorry its so long im very wordy lmaoo

[anon-unofficial]

tbh, my personal experience w my sexuality is pretty fuckin weird. I think. not sure if there should be a tw for this but uh. tw for confusing shit below ig? anyways rant below the cut

ok so. I have long established myself to be abrosexual (sexuality fluctuates) and greyromantic (limited romantic attraction), which btw, still feel like the correct labels for me, but sometimes, even I get confused. cuz. ok. so. lore drop time folks

I have the most amazingest human person EVER to be able to recognize as my partner. she's fantastic. amazing. hilarious. an absolute bi disaster, pretty much like yours truly 50% of the time, and we've basically decided on naming our relationship "friends with feelings" or just gfs if we wanna keep it short (though I identify as a joyfriend, personally). now, onto the actual existential crisis

listen, I know what my definition of greyromantic is. it's obviously "having crushes comes easily left right and center but leaving those crushes (yes, including fictional ones) take only a couple of hours" and "if one happens to catch my interest by A LOT, that crush will fucking stay" and so far i've liked her for over two years. cool, right? yeah it is, BUT

BUT.

thing is, my sexuality tends to take after my greyromanticism and fluctuates to either asexual or greysexual, which tends to "flick off" the "attraction switch" in a way. like, I still feel it. it is Very Much still There. it's just about as small as a mouse every now and again (this happens a lot. A LOT), and it tends to leave me in a guilty spiral where I tend to shame myself for "faking my attraction," which leads to this never-ending loop:

loving her > sexuality fluctuates > attraction "decreases"?? > hating myself > hating myself once more > sexuality fluctuates again

aaaand rinse and repeat. basically, it sucks. which is mostly why I'm considering changing our relationship status to a qpr bc it honestly just feels right, but hey, whatever she's happy with

anywho rant over, 🅰️non out

[pollenallergie]

Hey, I'm really sorry about the other anons being so rude, that's really fucked up and shouldn't happen. I sent the first one in good faith with the assumption that maybe you weren't aware of the distinction between & labels and using ship names for platonic relationships. Thank you for taking the time to explain your reasoning, even if the other anons don't deserve it. I don't think you're an anti and I believe you had good intentions. Take care of yourself; I hope you come back to fandom soon and continue to create.

okay, so, admittedly i caved and did some lurking tonight and i saw this anon in my inbox and… yeah i just had to put a temporary hiatus on my temporary hiatus so that i could answer it lol

i genuinely appreciate you reaching out to me, both in your last anon and now. i want to foster the kind of environment on my blog where people feel like they can kindly/civilly and genuinely voice their concerns to me without fear of me getting upset or retaliating or anything. so, suffice to say, i’m really disappointed in myself for dropping the ball and not responding to your genuine concerns in a more positive, meaningful way. i wasn’t trying to be snarky when i replied, but, having read through that post, i can see quite a few points where i likely came across as snarky and that’s just… that’s really not what i want to do here and i hate that i didn’t take the time to cool off more before i responded to you.

i appreciate you taking your time to voice your concerns and to educate me on a more considerate way to tag my platonic!eddie x chrissy posts. putting myself in the shoes of someone who was just simply trying to browse the tag of a romantic ship they like, i can see how it would be frustrating to have that space cluttered with platonic AUs and such, and i’m very sorry that i ever contributed to such frustration for hellcheer-enjoyers (hellcheerleaders?? if you guys don’t call yourselves hellcheerleaders, you really need to start bc oh my god that is so cute!).

thank you for also taking the time to send a follow up message and to further clarify your intentions/discuss things further. you’re truly, very kind and so polite and i really appreciate how helpful and genuine and nice you’ve been during all of this. i hope you’re doing well and i wish you very happy holidays (if you celebrate any this time of year, ofc. if not, then i hope you experience lots of non-holiday-related happiness anyways!). thank you again for being so lovely and informative. <3

[selchwife]

augh <3

bitching about this here bc i feel way more comfortable doing that than on main where i have a ton of followers i dont know but like

i hate shipping discourse so fucking muuuuch lol. i usually try to just ignore it but occasionally i stumble upon it anyway and i end up so fucking frustrated with how uncharitable people tend to be.

there's been this article going around recently on twitter that was meant to explain the "anti vs proship" debate to people in JP fandom, but it was (imo anyway) like EXTREMELY heavily biased and felt pretty cruel and dismissive bc of that.

i get that there are people on both sides of the discourse that are utterly horrible fucking maniacs and that there are also people who ascribe to one label or the other and end up not really having a lot of difference in opinion, like "i think it's wrong to write simulated CSEM/abuse/etc but i also don't think that means topics like abuse should never be written about, and i don't condone harassing people even if what they do is wrong" is something i've been like. shocked to find is the exact stance of people i've met who i found out aligned with pr*ship and who were equally shocked to find that most of my experience with people who consider themselves pr*ship is like "you are literally a massive fascist puritan if you have any qualms with people making underage/incest/etc type content." like, i was really scared bc of Labels that these people i'd known for a while were actually dangerous to me and would advocate things that hurt me, and it turned out we had basically the exact same opinion.

and like i guess i can't blame people for thinking "oh those guys are clearly the nutballs here bc i didn't do anything wrong and got harassed/saw them saying something insanely cruel" on EITHER side. like, i certainly do not give anyone who bitches about "puritan antis" or who considers themselves pr*ship the benefit of the doubt, bc in my experience most of those people have gone on to say and do extremely offensive hurtful stuff, and people who hang out in those communities are not people who i feel at all safe around or who i generally consider great people. it's just really frustrating to have my own concerns painted as like "anyone who doesn't feel comfortable with pr*ship people is just making their feelings other people's problems and being thought police, and all they ever do is harass people, you should avoid them for your safety!" bc like. i just leave people alone! i avoid them if i dislike them!!

and especially bc like. i don't even consider myself an "anti." i feel like i'm just a reasonable person, and that's a label that's only ever been maliciously put ON me by people who object harshly to my having any sort of standards for how i think other people should act. i don't like that i want a VERY SPECIFIC sort of person to leave me alone (people who are OK with romanticized and sexualized portrayals of incest, csa, and abuse), and since most people who advocate for those things use a specific label, i ask that nobody from that group interact with me. so naturally the latest Big Fandom Thing is all about how people who make that request are like....unreasonable and will attack other people and shit? i literally do not have the time in my day to do that shit. i just don't want to have flashbacks or feel like people believe what happened to me is okay.

it's so fucking frustrating and exhausting and it wouldn't be a problem if we didn't live in a horrible fucking broken-ass culture that just CANNOT resist defending sexual abuse in fiction OR in reality. i'm not going to trust people who parrot rape myths in fiction even if they insist they don't believe them in reality. they're lying, or they wouldn't repeat them at all. i just, like, UGH. i wish it wasn't seen as radical to just ask people to be respectful of survivors but it is bc i feel like so many people just immediately jump to victim-blaming. people who lived through this are the lowest of the low to them and doing anything to us and saying anything about us is fine and if we object it's because we're oversensitive and need to shut up and take all the abuse we get heaped on us, because GOD FORBID anyone not get to have their fun valorizing sexual abuse at our expense! we're all acceptable collateral for their entertainment! it's just like. not fair.

[corpsegold]

ok so I started this therapy thing. And she got me to fill out one of those questionnaires like depression and anxiety. And she was like ok so what are your main problems then. And I thought to myself, idk, I was expecting you to tell me that? I went with social anxiety, because I’m coming out of a heavy drinking phase and drinking is the most obvious problem with my mental right now, and because afaict drinking is bc of social anxiety. She looked at the results and pointed out that actually I’m not that anxious at all and I wasn't drunk talking to her. I haven't been drinking much at all recently. Part of it is because my mood has shifted, but also I’ve run out of money. I left thinking about how actually its not social anxiety and that drinking probably started that way and then became about low mood, because its much worse in the winter. But I know that depression isn't the root of my problem. I have a strong hunch that there's something deeper that's wrong with me. I have this feeling that I actually WANT to be mentally ill. I don't think I'm actively trying to be, I think most of my mentally ill behaviour like drinking and being depressed are legit, but I don't think they stand on their own compared to other people with those problems. I can see from some of my reactions to things that have happened and been said to me that I’m eager to get labels, whatever they may be (some very much more than others I have realized) and given how I’m quick to take up and abandon various “ill behaviours” whilst voraciously researching them and the people who have them, probably none of it is genuinely legit as its own standalone problem. Recently whilst sobering up from drinking I had another realization which thankfully I can’t remember most of but it really got me down. Its something I’ve realized a few times before over the years but I kind of block it out? I’m not 100% sure, but I have this hunch. 

I basically realized how my problem isn't social anxiety, its being rejected. Its the reflection of failure. Its having to experience my failure and shortcomings and not have a buffer or a shield or an excuse. I’m starting to think that the reason I cant engage with hobbies, the reason I cant stand being around people, the reason I push friends away, the reason I have never gotten into a romantic relationship isn't because of strictly being paranoid (I’m not really that paranoid 99% of the time), or anxiety, or drinking. Its just all about being completely terrified of failure and unable to cope with it.

I avoid interacting bc its usually negative and I hate myself for it. I avoid relationships because I don't think I have the personality or skillset for it and it would blow up in my face and I’d have to actually face my shortcomings and I don't know if I would actually survive that long term.

I avoid my interests that are skill based because I will probably cry and panic when I’m not immediately good at it. I avoid making things because I can’t cope with not being as good at it as I imagine I am (or was). I collect disordered behaviours of all kinds and constantly make a hobby of thinking of myself as suffering from various mental illnesses because I want an excuse. I want to not be to blame for how I’ve destroyed my life and caused destruction to others. I want to be able to feel like life just dealt me a shit hand and its everyone else’s fault that this has happened.

Like don’t get me wrong I know I suck at lots of things. I know I can be a huge cunt. I don't want to be, but only because I want people to like me. I only have empathy for a handful of people, and its because I fear not being worthy of them or that they might hate me when I neglect or am insensitive to them. I’m very bitter about things my parents have done when they have actually sacrificed a great deal for me. I find it hard to feel grateful to them because I feel like I deserved that and more. Many of the things I’ve done that have upset or hurt other people make me feel guilty and ashamed but to be honest? I think its mostly because it reflects badly on me as a person, not because they're in pain. A lot of the time, anyway. There are times where I’ve definitely had some empathy, for a set group of people (that I’ve known a long time).

but for all I can admit that I suck at things, I struggle to actually accept that its entirely my fault or the result of my decisions. I want that responsibility to be taken off my shoulders. I want to be told that I’m not actually at fault or that I can help it. 

I think in the end I guess I want to be told I’m allowed to act this way?

I think about how my mood can flip flop- but really its not in the style of bipolar. I don't fit the criteria. Its just about self esteem. I go from feeling like I’m hot shit, fucking brilliant, “get out of my way before I run you over I’m the best at this and you can’t see it yet” because of some minor success or recognition, and then next thing I know I have some perceived (real or actual) small or large failure and I get completely distraught over it and start thinking I don't deserve to live.

What I actually should say to this woman in this therapy, is that my goal is to be extremely successful, and to be liked and respected by everyone I meet. I’d take just being wildly successful (fat fucking chance), but really I want both. I’d say I want to be loved and happy, but that actually I’m not sure I know what that feels like or if I’m capable of feeling it. I’d say that honestly, I think I’d rather be worshipped, if I could stand it without hating myself. I think the fact that I’m too scared to risk seeing that those things don't come naturally to me, or that I don't know how to secure them, is what makes me depressed and causes me to drink, or find ways to numb or distract myself, like using mental illness as a hobby. It’s what drove me to shagging over a hundred men in a few years (seeing how many I could fit in solo sessions in a week - the answer is 10 a few times over), its why I failed my degree (by not turning up), its why I feel shame when people bring up my treating them unfairly- but when they don't, and I think about it, I don't actually care, or I readily come up with a barrage of excuses. Because I want to think its not actually my fault and that I deserve it, or that its fine because one day I’ll be wildly successful and I’ll pay everyone back so I wont ever have to think about it or them again.

I learnt my lesson about self diagnosing. Its not about what I want to be told is wrong with me. I don't really understand the diagnostic language and I’m not qualified so its actively harmful to read deeper into it other than having a basic awareness at least at this stage. I do however have a strong hunch about what might be the root of my problems. Its why I doubt that I’m actually mentally ill, even though I might act like it. Its why I think I’m actually just a shit person. 

I want to be better and I don’t know how. I want to be nice to people. I want people to like me and I want to have successful relationships. I don't want to feel like a failure.

But yeah. I have a hunch. Its just a hunch. Its embarrassing and I don't know how I’ll handle it when they figure it out. I can’t hide it by throwing behaviours or symptoms in their face of other things. I can tell that they see through it and that something’s fishy with me. And I know I do genuinely experience these problems- like depression and drinking, but they're symptomatic of something deeper. I hope that the fact that I can recognize this sometimes means that there’s hope or that I’m wrong about this too. 

I dont know how to meaningfully apologize to people for being like this. 

My gut reaction when I start to think about how I’ll feel when I find out is anger towards my parents for taking my future away from me. That kind of confirms it in my book.

[bromantically]

a list! (dont have to answer any you dont want)

21, 22, 24, 25, 30, 31, 32, 35, 37

21. Is your family supportive?

my immediate household family (mom, brother, dad) are! the rest of my family is pretty conservative and dont really understand a lot of queer things but im not really sure if they support me or not 🤷

22. Favorite LGBT+ celebrity or historical figure?

i dont know any celebrities or historical figures <3 i have never cared about a famous person ever and i dont remember the names of any queer historical figures that mean anything in particular to me

24. Favorite LGBT+ canon character?

uhhh to be honest i dont really consume a lot of media in general and i dont really care that much about the canon ones i have encountered 😳 not as in like "😒" kind of not care but as in i just dont really pay attention and i dont feel any particular attachment to any of them. a lot of rep in media doesnt really appeal to me very much bc none of them are ever relatable to me and its always either cis gays or totally neutral nonbinary they/thems. nothing wrong with those but im a little bored of them and id rather explore queer rep through my own characters

25. Favorite LGBT+ canon fictional couple?

same as above tbh...

30. A trope you dislike about your identity?

my identity is sort of nebulous and not very solid so its hard to really say people have tropes for my identity. i intentionally keep my labels pretty vague and unspecific and i intentionally dont try to label anything very specific. as far as i know im just Not Binary and Not Straight and the details of that are only for me to know. if i Had to pick something i guess id say its sort of annoying that nonbinary is always portrayed as totally neutral they/them

31. A trope about your identity that applies to you?

🤷 im a weird little freak i think my identity is too bonkers and specific to me for the general public to apply any tropes to me

32.

answered!

35. If you’re not straight, who was your first same-gender crush?

well as a transmasc person who has always liked guys i guess i would have to say this guy i was friends with in middle school that i dated for a bit. i didnt know i was some sort of aspec then tho so the label "crush" is a little complicated. i didnt really get crushes very often and when i did it wasnt in a very allo way 😭

37. Do you have any LGBT+ idols?

no <3 i dont know anyone ever but good for them

(pride ask game)

[canyouhearthelight]

So, @mustachebatschaos reblogged something that I need to talk about, in a good way. Their post is here.

It talks about the knowledge and history gap between older and younger members of the LGBTQIA+ community. I won't rehash, that's why I linked it.

The two things I want to comment on are the "Q Slur" and "bi/pan people need their own terms". Mostly bc I am a victim of both.

I'm not sorry. I identify as "queer". Because I don't know if I'm bi or pan, or demi, or whatever the term is for "Attracted to everyone until you prive to be ugly in your soul". Because I don't know if I feel more feminine or masculine... And I just don't care. Because I am lucky enough that my life doesn't require me to have or need a label. I was born female, I look female, and no one cares that I would prefer waterboarding to daily makeup. Or that my hair dryer sees more use shrink wrapping vinyl than drying my hair. Or that I like men's shirts and no bra or pushup bra, there is NO in between.

So. I'm queer. The default "not straight". I'm bent.

But also... I never had the chance to figure anything out beyond "I like both".

When I was at the point in my life where I should have learned all that, trans people were still beaten in the street where I lived. I knew 1 trans woman, and she couldn't get GCS bc she is HIV positive, so she could "pass" as a gay drag queen.

Side note: FUCK passing, bc she was trapped.

But as a bi/pan/idk womanish thing... I wasn't a lesbian, so the only culture I got was as "an experiment". A "past time". At absolute best, "picking a side".

So, I get it. I get that younger LGBTQIA folks don't know all the history bc we are hard wired to react. But some of it...

Help us fill in the gaps. Share what happened after. I would LOVE to know what the term is for "I am entirely apathetic to gender. I present as these clothes fit, I don't hate my body, and I have a trauma related requirement for a ponytail"? What is the term for "sex is a sport. Unless your soul is ugly, then it's torture and I'd rather wash dishes" and "sharing a pizza and watching you play video games can be more intimate than sex"?

When we have words for that, I will 100% them. And until then, I will 100% use your terms for yourself, bc you know the words, and that is AMAZING.

But I will also just call myself queer until then. Bc I don't know what the fuck else to use.