#bc i don’t know how be normal about relationships
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now that my mom is dead (positive) and i’m truly on my own for the first time in my life and im no longer repressing 80% of my personality and emotions (again net positive) i am unfortunately realizing that i am very emotionally unstable dear god is this how everyone lives or do i have some kind of disorder??
#yes this is about a man#bc i don’t know how be normal about relationships#on account of all the emotional neglect/abuse#i’m mcfreaking losing it over here#i don’t know how to properly give or receive love#so i’m constantly fucking it up#just take me out back and put me down like a lame horse
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My issue with Vaggie and her character
(TW: Opinion‼️)
I’ve been wanting to make a rant about this for a while and I’m sure other people have already done it, but I figured I might as well share my thoughts because I like to think my opinion matters to some people lmao. Anyway, I wouldn’t read this if you’re like a die-hard Vaggie/chaggie fan, but that’s up to you!
So I’m sure some of you by now heard the news that Charlie and Vaggie are getting another duet in S2 which apparently will be about their sex life. Which like, ok sure. In a show like this I expected a sexual-themed song to happen eventually. Here’s my issue with this though;
If you need to make an entire musical number about how much your main couple fucks, because of the severe lack of any hints of a sex life between them in the first season, then it’s not a good pairing, and this feels like a desperate attempt to give them chemistry that they just don’t have.
I saw someone say something similar on Twitter and I really couldn’t agree more. Some of you are going to say “you only say that because you don’t ship Chaggie!!” You’re right. I don’t ship them. Because there’s nothing there for me to root for. Like, at all.
Let’s start off with the fact that Vaggie has no personality outside of being Charlie’s girlfriend. I tried to like her character, I really did, but she’s honestly the most forgettable to me in the entire show. Some of you might disagree with me, but be honest and answer me this; can you name one interesting thing about her character that doesn’t involve her relationship with Charlie? And what she adds to the plot besides being Charlie’s “voice of reason”? (Which she’s not, she basically just gentle-parents Charlie into not doing things that Charlie wants to do)
Let’s take a look at some of the other characters in our main cast: Charlie, princess of Hell, desperately tries to help other people even when nobody believes in her cause. Alastor is a powerful overlord who’s supposedly helping out with the hotel, but clearly has ulterior motives that have yet to be revealed. Angel Dust is a famous porn star in an abusive relationship with his employer and is on a path to redemption himself. Husk is a former overlord who lost all his power to his gambling addiction and is now being forced to play bartender. Lucifer, the king of all Hell, a fallen angel who lost his will to dream, a shell of his former self. For fuck’s sake, even Lilith—whom we have yet to even hear speak—has a more compelling plot; she’s been gone for seven years, she’s in Heaven having made a deal with Adam and we have no idea why.
And what does Vaggie do exactly? She gives Charlie advice, she helps run the hotel, she.. occasionally threatens to hurt people with an angelic weapon (you know, the thing that kills souls for good?)
Ok so she’s also a fallen angel—a former exorcist in Adam’s army that leads to exterminations. Now that could have been an interesting plot point. It does explain a little why she’s so aggressive and skilled in combat. The scene with her practice-fighting Carmilla for answers was probably the most interesting scene that prominently features her. And even then, Carmilla kinda steals the spotlight for me, as I’m actually way more invested in her character and her background (seriously, why is she so knowledgeable about angelic weapons and Vaggie—the literal former angel herself—isn’t?)
This was honestly a twist I didn’t see coming, and it had so much potential to add more to Vaggie’s personality and character as a whole. Seriously, losing her wings and her fucking eyeball must’ve been severely traumatic. She might hold some grudge against Adam and Lute for abandoning her and tossing her aside like she was nothing, even after all that work she put in to be one of the top exorcists. She could maybe miss Heaven and even if she’s content living in Hell, a part of her will still always long to go back to what was once her home.
…But no, the entire reason she’s a fallen angel is just to create conflict between her and Charlie. And that barely lasted a whole episode.
Again, everything about her and her ‘personality’ all narrows down to Charlie. Not only is this a terrible foundation for the main couple of the series, it’s also just extremely unhealthy realistically speaking. Even episode 3 alludes to the toxicity of Vaggie thinking she has no purpose outside of helping and protecting Charlie. And I find it funny that Charlie is so taken aback, but she doesn’t actually say anything to correct Vaggie, because…it’s true.
It’s very frustrating for me to say this. Vaggie had so much potential to be at least a somewhat interesting character, but instead she’s always resorted to being Charlie’s partner/sidekick. Ik this has a lot to do with Vivziepop being terrible at writing female characters but imma be real, even Loona interests me more and they almost have the exact same traits (grumpy, aggressive, insecure, etc.)
I’m gonna try and wrap this up the best I can. Honestly guys, ship whatever you want but for me, Chaggie just has no appeal at all. For the first four episodes, I didn’t even know they were a couple. I assumed Vaggie had some sort of unrequited, unhealthy crush on Charlie. Hazbin Hotel’s writing is already kinda bad to begin with, but if I can’t tell that your main female leads are in a romantic relationship within the first few minutes of their screen-time, that’s really saying something. And I understand wanting more wlw relationships in media, but having two female characters together just for the sake of having a wlw relationship in your show is not good representation. You need to actually have chemistry between them, you need to make them compelling characters as individuals, and sadly Vaggie is too one-dimensional that, on her own, she has nothing going on, and I’m not rooting for her and Charlie.
And I’m sorry but I can already tell I’m going to cringe so hard at this ‘sexy’ duet between them next season💀
#tw opinion#let’s see how many media illiterate mfs I offended with this#now I know y’all are gonna try and call me out for openly talking about a ship I don’t like. which I normally don’t do#the thing is it’s not that I don’t like ch@ggie. it’s just that I don’t care about them#<censoring to not tag it#and I can’t even rlly discuss Vaggie w/o also discussing her relationship w/ Charlie#bc that’s literally the whole point of her character :|#hazbin hotel#long post#character critique#ship critique#lady luxo rambles
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#I’m only very rarely inclined to get this intimate w my thoughts so I might as well say it NOW butttt I will never not see the dead children#In everything I do#Like legit#I’ve read up on Hind so extensively and seen so many photos of her#And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything#But hearing that memo destroyed me bc bisan is only 23 and she seemed so vivacious#Idk like I do normal people things I can’t just pause on my life#But idk how it feels like to sit at a boba place and enjoy my pearl milk tea w my friends#While the horrors over there don’t just lurk the back of my mind. I do normal things and I’m guilty for having the luxury#And as an Iraqi girl I’m living in the literal ideal timeline#Where my mom decided to immigrate to the us and that’s why I’m here living a normal life like everyone else#It’s like in a different world if I were born in a different time it could’ve so easily been me. I’m one of the Lucky Ones idk#It’s not survivor’s guilt bc it’s not like I had to survive anything like I never had the chance to live in Iraq or anything#But like. If some things had fallen just a little differently#And I keep thinking about how I’d feel if it were happening to Iraq and people behaved the way they’re doing to Palestinians#I’d be so mad#And some people on here are dealing w assholes while bursting at the seams w grief#For losing their loved ones#This is why I’m so fucking angry at anyone who’s complicit#This was a major tangent but basically I feel weird about doing normal things now while simultaneously knowing I can’t just sit and wallow#And watch life pass by as if it’ll do anything#Misery is not a home but I’m struggling to be 100% normal#And I think that this tonal dissonance is reflecting on my blog too bc I can’t go back to just#Posting about all the other normal things I used to. Like I want to but sometimes I feel off.#Is this anything. I haven’t slept all night#I can’t just allow myself to lose interest in everything I used to like and be and just fade away but maybe it’s about accepting that this#Will also always be a part of me now. It’s that awareness that shadows everything I do#or maybe I need a therapist it’s a toss up#I’ll probably feel better once I get my day started but this was cathartic to voice I think#p
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any thoughts about how could it be the dynamic between viserys-naerys- daeron ii in fire & blood 2?
okay so straight up the dynamic i’m MOST interested in learning about in f&b2 is the viserys-naerys-daeron ii dynamic. first of all, those first two are just UNGODLY DISTURBINGLY YOUNG when they have children. viserys has naerys, his YOUNGEST child when he is sixteen. naerys has daeron when she is fifteen. viserys is a grandfather before he is 32 years old. it is truly babies raising babies out here!! i mean fuck, daeron has baelor under significantly less traumatic circumstances but he’s still only 17 by the time he starts having kids! that’s all just wildly interesting and disturbing to me. like, that alone, how close in age they all are because they all married & started having kids at crazy young ages, explains so much about why this period has always felt particularly deranged to me (“this period” being post dance where we get this incredible string of deranged freaks from aegon iii to aegon iv that ebbs into this vaguely “we’re having a targ renaissance yay” era that erupts into civil war anyways! i LOVE this conceptually i’m so ready to be annoyed when f&b2 comes out and i’ve hyped this all up for some more dumb sex stories from another court fool ajsjs).
but then secondly, okay, when you look at the timeline- daeron is born in 153 and the birth nearly kills naerys 15/16 year old naerys. aegon iii is still king for four more years. that last year, aegon iv spends his time (and the next two years after that) shacked up with megette. then aegon spends a few years shacked up/probably raping casella vaith the hostage, before running off to war. then he spends more time raping naerys, wherein she has a miscarriage, and aegon is sent away so he doesn’t rape her to death. daeron marries myriah, has a child with her. but before that child is two, in quick succession, his father comes back home & immediately starts raping his mother again, his mother nearly dies having twins & now he has a sister younger than his son, and daena unveils her new bastard who everyone thinks is aegon’s, and baelor is so distraught by all this he fasts himself to death. viserys is king, and likely dead before daeron’s second son is born and before daeron turns twenty. suddenly the person responsible for making sure aegon doesn’t rape naerys to death are daeron & aemon, who have NO authority over aegon. this man has the audacity to stay alive for twelve more years.
that shit is insane. daeron’s father is only around when he’s raping his mom. the closest things daeron has to a father figure are his uncle who wants to fuck his mom, his grandfather who is probably busy constantly (and also only in his thirties 😭), and his batshit insane cousin baelor. his childhood is marked by almost constant instability until it stabilizes for the worse when his cousins all get locked in the maidenvault, then gets thrown into upheaval once again as baelor & viserys die and now his dad who is only around when he’s raping his mom is suddenly back in town and has total control.
and naerys. she’s like if aemma lived long enough to parent her kids, but worse bc you could argue there was fondness of a sort between aemma & viserys. aegon and naerys hate each other. she is constantly pregnant and on death’s door from the age of fifteen (three years older than her father!) until the day she dies, in her early 40s. it sounds like worse than hell to me. it is a lifetime where the only source of comfort you have is the son you birthed at fifteen, because maybe your life is a nightmare but if you raise him to be marginally less evil, he won’t destroy the innocent little girl you know is going to be sent to court to be his wife. everyone else is actively holding you hostage and applauding you for taking the abuse so well. your whole life is screaming for help and all you get is tears telling you you’re so dutiful and brave.
and viserys just. watches it all happen. of course he does! his kids are simply ungrateful! he had to get married at twelve and his wife wasn’t born in westeros so they had nothing in common and at least they have a living father, they have no idea how lucky they are. why should daeron and naerys blame him when he gave them everything because he had nothing? it’s a shame it wasn’t naerys that offed this man. i do think she was his favorite kid tho and i bet he’s not subtle about it at all.
#like obviously we all know i have mixed feelings about the way they did nyra & ali’s ages but i do think the focus on how traumatic#forced child marriage & forced child-parenting is yet how NORMAL that suffering is. like THAT was a GREAT decision.#there’s so much crqzy shit cooking here i know it#and this isn’t even touching Being Naerys And Daeron When Aegon IV Is King.#asks#anons#viserys ii targaryen#naerys targaryen#daeron the good#also i don’t think naerys has a favorite child bc daeron & daenerys are like 18 years apart so she has very different relationships w them.#ntm she’s dead before daenerys is all that old.#if you asked daeron if public who his favorite dad is he will say baelor. but tbh#he thinks all of those guys were fucking morons. he will never claim a favorite child either.#but he definitely has one and he Has told myriah who his favorite is when they pillow talked one night.#they do Not have the same favorite child.#i would honestly love the idea of viserys plotting to kill aegon so daeron comes right after him but aegon just beats him to the punch.#i think that would be genuinely hilarious. i have no earthly idea how george is gonna characterize viserys as an adult tho.
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It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month
When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.
And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”
Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.
Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.
I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.
Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.
Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.
I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.
Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.
#grief#journal#life#I feel stuck in my head bc I don’t talk to my new bf about this#like he knows the gist#but every time he learns a new piece of trauma about me he is shocked#and sometimes I lol in my head like wow you haven’t even scratched the surface#he knows about my OD and my dad#but he doesn’t know about .. so many other things#I wish he was more obsessed with me or visa versa#I’m still trying to figure this shit out#he is a horrible texter#we’re supposed to FaceTime while I’m here but I’m going to let him initiate#isnt it crazy how we seek out partners to just fill this childhood void#I do so much work in therapy to fill this hole in myself#yet still at the end of the day I want a man to be obsessed with me so I can feel whole lmao#even tho I KNOW now that won’t fix me#I still want it#he’s the first man I’ve dated that isn’t obsessed with me and he’s weird#not that those relationships were ever healthy#but he likes me in a very normal way#and all I can think is#sir I have men in my DMs asking if they can pay me to#clean my house in lingerie#I need you to text me back or tell me you think I’m hot#I can count on one hand the number of times he has complimented my#physical appearance#and that drives me insane#why am#I even ranting this part here lmao
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Thinking about Odin and Loki again bc when am I not. A list of songs that make me want to wail about them in no particular order and with little to no explanation:
Allies or Enemies - the Crane Wives (Regret ™️)
Liar - the Arcadian Wild (let’s be real both of them)
Wander Wonder - the Arcadian Wild (Odin)
Tongues & Teeth - the Crane Wives (Loki)
King and Lionheart - Of Monsters and Men (what they both think Could Have Been)
Bad Blood - Bastille (yeah.)
Just One Yesterday - Fall Out Boy (yeag)
Icarus - the Crane Wives (listen the singer is calling to their brother cmon. Cmon.)
Francesca - Hozier (me, making romantic songs about platonic relationships again? Ahaha no *runs*)
#my fall break ended yesterday so last night I had to go back to school after hanging out with my brother all weekend and augh#I promise we have a normal sibling relationship but I was crying to myself driving back to school and I was like “damn blorbos got hands”#he graduates this spring so I was like oh fuck oh god I have a finite amount of time with you left before you get a partner#and they become your world and I get left behind#and I can’t tell if that’s Loki @ Odin or Odin @ Loki but either way I think after the tree incident#Odin is intensely aware that he’s gonna lose Loki one day and Loki has to cope with the fact they lost him once already#bc in my headcanon loki knows the plan but goes to check up on Odin anyway bc they’re worried and find him dead and freaks + cuts him down#and I don’t think they tell Odin about this or at least not the mental breakdown they had while waiting for him to start breathing again#but I think that’s the beginning of the end bc they’re both Aware this Will End#whos to say they don’t start hurting each other on purpose to soften the blow when it eventually comes but it only makes it worse#anyway I’m normal how are you guys this evening#loki#odin#Norse mythology
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i hate army twitter lmao someone remind me not to go on there ever
#it’s just sooo 🤢 people literally do not know how to be normal#on the one hand you have ******* truthers acting all smug as if hybe released an official notice#and on the other hand you have people cry typing#and then an even weirder third hand that’s like i can’t wait for all of them to go public w their own relationships#????? i know you’re not referring to him being stalked as him ‘going public’ bc i will kill you otherwise :)#why can’t everyone just mind their own goddamn business and respect the fact that we literally know nothing abt their personal lives#and that’s how it should always be because they deserve their privacy#like even if shit gets found out. LEAVE IT BURIED. DON’T DISCUSS IT. THEY DID NOT SHARE THIS INFORMATION W US WILLINGLY#it’s actually disgusting#anyway don’t send me asks about this i will just delete them#if you don’t know what this post is about just count your blessings and log off lmao#i legit saw someone tweet ‘as a twice fan i can’t wait for an announcement for a tannie to be dating a member of twice’#y’all know that reality is not fanfiction right… like you know that this is not like some real life marvel x dc crossover#just get a life of your own stop being so obsessed w ur faves’ personal lives i BEG#.txt
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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You actually aren’t allowed to use the Tim Drake Has Issues or Tim Drake Needs A Hug or Tim Drake Is Not Okay or the Bad Parents Jack & Janet Drake tags until you read my 270 issue reading list. Sorry
#212 is Robin I + Robin II + Robin III + Robin 1993 + Yost Red Robin btw#And then 55 is young justice. and then 1 more is to the father i never knew <- necessary so people actually understand what tim’s#relationship with his dad is.#And then two more is the batgirl half of fresh blood.#I don’t even think u need to read all of this to get him like the miniseries give u the same deal as the Dixon run minus steph#And like some of the Robin run sucks (Willingham 🩷)#And if you understand you understand you know. however some people do not understand#but SERIOUSLY. i need everyone to be normal about Janet. and I need everyone to be correct about how jack sucks instead of making things up#and I need everyone to understand what his ACTUAL issues are bc i do love his issues#and I need everyone to read Red Robin w the full knowledge that he’s the most unreliable narrator of all time#Like seriously read the dick and tim argument okay. Tim is lashing out!!!! Dick did not say that (u know what I’m talking abt.)#ALSO BE NORMAL ABOUT DAMIAN!!!! and Steph!!! and cass!!!!#I’m so sorry my annoyed factor has gone up exponentially since getting into dc.#esha.txt#tim#dc#shut up about tim. what about KON EL HAS ISSUES. HUH. WHAT ABOUT THAT.
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idk ik people don’t like valentines bc corporate holiday rahahhah but i just like it as a day to love my friends and love my family and love my fictional characters and wear cute pink and red outfits and skip around giving red velvet cookies and be happy idk
#:D#☕️!- clove speaks#like Martha speaks#Idk I was in a relationship for one Valentine’s Day and it sucked bc I wished him a happy Valentine’s Day and he ranted ab how it was a#scheme for corporate business to make more money and YEAH#Ik it is but we were long distance and he didn’t have to get anything and all I wanted was to be told I was loved#and tbh after getting out of the relationship idek if I loved him in a normal way I don’t think anything about my attraction to people has#been necessarily normal and now I don’t really think relationships are something I even want anymore#But idk#Valentine’s Day as a day to appreciate things I love#I LOVE my friends I love my family#I love I love I love and none of it is wasted#romantic relationships will never be more important to me than platonic I think#especially after being in a toxic/abusive “romantic�� relationship and the only thing that helped me leave it was help from my friends#I’ll never have a friend I regretted loving they were all important to me at some point and helped me grow#it’s hard bc I’ve always felt idk… aceflux? aroflux? And it was very hard to explain to a partner HEY sometimes my love for you isn’t#romantic sometimes it’s platonic sometimes I don’t know how to explain it but I still love you I still want you in my life#Idk none of this matters#If u read this SMASH THE LIKE BUTTON AND HIT SUBSCRIBE
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Ink October day 27: Seldom
Not often; infrequently or rarely.
#kingdom hearts#kh#kingdom hearts days#kh days#blue boi draws#ink october#ink october 2024#ink October 2024 day 27#fucked up that in all 358 days they only get one vacation#honestly day 118 makes me insane. just like the rest of the days. which also make me insane.#but day 118 is especially good. the foreshadowing the character moments the fact that despite it being a relatively happy day it’s also sad#Hayner Pence and Olette!! they knew Roxas!! the real them knew Roxas!!! by name!!!#seeing Roxas interact with those outside of the org is always a treat but to see him interact with kids his own age? delightful. also sad.#Pence my friend Pence my buddy Pence! honestly I think he might be my favourite out of the three. Olette asking if Roxas is his friend#and him saying yeah! when he’s only met him briefly once before! I know he means it in a ‘kid my age who I’ve met and get along with’ way#but Roxas has never had that before! Roxas’ only friends are his BEST friends who are in the same cult as him!!#also Hayner is such a jerk it’s kinda funny. bestie be nice to the new kid he doesn’t know how people work#Olette calling him out immediately. love that for her#I wish they’d shown up a few more times and interacted with Roxas. it’s a glance into a life he doesn’t know. the building blocks for his#relationships in data twilight town.#also love what Axel and Xion are up to. Axel says vacation day is nap day. fuck yeah bed time! I always forget he’s a sleeper#Xion practicing with the keyblade… I’m chewing on my ds girlie. aug. she seems happy to but girlie that’s work! it’s a vacation don’t work!#but she was made to work and she wants to work! but does she want to work because she was made to work! ow!!!#her inviting Roxas to join her is sweet. him going nah I’ll pass and her saying he’s welcome if he changes his mind. aw#also support to my headcanon that Xion would be interested in keyblade training post canon and maybe even becoming a master!!#while Roxas doesn’t he wants to have a ‘normal’ life he doesn’t want keyblade shit#I can see them fighting about it… both are really just scared about being separated again#Axel is interested with keyblade shit casually. he wants to protect his friends! but he also wants to give them the safe normal lives they#could never have in the organisation#gods I need to play days again. I’m at the beginning of the end (Roxas getting sick bc of Xi!) and it’s gonna make me so sad
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(vent post)
okay but how are you supposed to get good rec letters when you graduated several years ago + were mostly incapable of building memorable relationships with your professors bc your untreated mental health issues left you barely capable of even showing up to class and doing the bare minimum to get a grade
am I just fucked forever
#456 words#it’s just. very frustrating#bc I have the skill set and attitude to go to grad school#i have at least one person who can say it and give it weight#but I need three Good Strong letters esp about like. my actual undergraduate background and I just. don’t have people to ask#the only prof I really have a relationship w is a lit prof who retired#and I’d ask her again but like. it wasn’t good enough last year I guess bc she’s not in the same subject#and also doesn’t have an official looking email anymore#i finally worked up the nerve to ask more people bc maybe I was underestimating#how much they would remember me or like me#but so far it seems my assumptions were correct#they don’t know me#not well enough to write anything that means anything#I could ask people willing to like. type out whatever but that’s meaningless#I just wasn’t enough of a person when I needed to be and now I feel like it’s too late#do I go back to campus and try to cram 5+ years of relationship forming into a couple months?#that feels disingenuous and rude. idk#maybe it’s normal but I dunno I don’t want to be that student#but like. the other option is just. being fucked#bc I couldn’t do what I needed to when I had the chance#and I really fucking hope that isn’t true but it certainly feels like it#vent
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At this point if she’s reaching out & I’m now the one not replying bc I’m mad about her ignoring me for two days does that make me the immature one? Like. Have I become the monster
#I’m just like I don’t know what to say to her rn#like all she had to do was say hey I’m mad about you about x (note to the girlies I still don’t know what x is)#and I need space for a bit#instead she just went full cold shoulder out of nowhere#so because I refuse to interact with power plays bc I’m tired of manipulation I’m old I’m 26 it’s too late in my young life for this shit#I just acted like I didn’t notice#said hi to her like a normal person didn’t try to bring it up whatever#and I guess she realised I’m not here for games and now is back tracking#like she’s sent me a message acknowledging that she was being childish#but I’m like idk how to respond right now bc one#I don’t want to have a text conversation about whatever this is#and two I am genuinely angry about this#I know I’ve got issues that make this relationship not ideal#if we had our intimacy issues tattooed on our foreheads there wouldn’t be enough room on mine#but it’s not like I haven’t been honest about that#and I am trying to figure it out in my own time and move at a pace that doesn’t set the alarm bells going off and prompt me to put my#metaphorical running shoes on#anyway I’m on a tangent I’m just like quietly fuming#I think I need to get my temper down and my head straight before I have a conversation about it with her#bc I don’t want to yell at her but right now I do#like WE ARE ADULTS PLEASE ACT LIKE ONE JESUS CHRIST
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Astrology Observations-42
Pisces suns are either the best people you’ve ever met or your worst nightmare.
Cancer/Sag/Taurus placements tend to gain weight pretty easily. Most are big foodies at heart. However they could’ve struggled with this especially young, kids could’ve referred them as the “fat kid or friend”
Many people told Taurus moons/suns that they could’ve been pretty if they lost weight:( (Trisha paytas (Taurus sun) opened up she went thru this)
Capricorn and Virgo placements are the most pessimistic (especially the rising signs)
Scorpio moon 🤝 mommy issues
Neptune in the first house people can either have everyone in the room stare at them the minute they walk in or nobody notices they are there. They have the ability to be the most magnetic in the room or completely invisible it’s actually quite impressive.
Capricorn & Scorpio risings are usually considered “mean girls” by others who don’t know them.
All libra Venus’s I met had an hourglass figure, even if they are considered as overweight their body fat usually goes to the right places and their bodies are very symmetrical.
Aries and Scorpio mars tend to burn a lot of bridges when they get upset with someone. They can say really harsh things that can sometimes be unforgivable. The difference between the two though is that Aries usually regrets what they say most of the time bc they are impulsive but Scorpio will stand on what they say because they’ve probably been feeling like that for awhile.
Libra moons are very approachable & easy to talk too
Aries Venus’s tend to fantasize about being with more than one partner a lot probably tried poly relationship atleast once or thought about it. They can get bored easily with one partner especially if they aren’t stimulating enough.
Aries placements tend to fall in love with people who make them laugh (sun and Venus especially)
Cancer moons attract a lot of mentally unstable partners or partners with mental illnesses.
Virgo risings tend to be the teachers pet
Geminis are more of a mystery than Scorpios imo
Moon in the 5th house people are surprisingly secretive about their hobbies and interests. People normally don’t know how creative they are.
Capricorn risings and mercuries are the most mature Capricorn placements
Even though Capricorn mars is an exalted placement they tend to struggle A LOT career wise. It can take them a really long time to get where they want to be financially but once they get there they really excel. I feel like this shouldn’t be exalted cuz these people really go thru some shit and limitations. They usually have to worker harder than most to get where they need to be.
Taurus mars take a long time in bed. The types to give hour long sessions. They are the best at foreplay hands down.
Virgo moons/ risings tend to look like foxes 🦊
Libra risings can become really dysfunctional when they aren’t in a relationship or talking to someone.
Moon in the 7th house people tend to mirror their crushes or partners a lot. They can be easily influenced by their partners for better or for worse. The types to pick up their partners/crushes slang and behavior to impress them.
Saturn in the 7th house people tend to experience a lot of one sided attraction or love :( they usually fall for people who don’t really feel the same way back unfortunately. A lot of their relationships were very serious and cold and lacked affection. Partners could’ve treated them like they had the plague..
Pisces and Scorpio men tend to hurt women the most I’ve seen. I’ve seen a lot of women that have really bad experiences from these sun signs (Scorpio moon men as well).
Aqua Venuses have a harder time finding a “spark” with others romantically. Which is why once they find that spark they are very devoted and it’s extremely hard for them to move on.
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office hours — professor!soobin x gradstudent!reader
cw. chubby!reader, reader is an adult grad student, minimal age gap, clear consent, petnames (babe, baby, honey, darling, good boy), mommy kink, face sitting, unprotected penetration, creampie, cunnilingus, handjobs, ending is cheesy, "epilogue" of sorts involves christmas vibes, kissing, please lmk if i'm missing anything. NSFW/MDNI notes. i would feel irresponsible if i didn't acknowledge this is a romanticized portrayal of a professor-student relationship. while the relationship in this story has clear consent multiple times, irl relationships like this can be inappropriate and exploitative bc of the authority imbalance. you deserve a healthy, consensual relationship. prioritize ur well-being and autonomy. relationships should be built on mutual respect, equality and clear consent. this is a work of fiction and should be read as such. shoutout to @silvergyus for sending the prof!soob pic <3 wc. 11.6k
“Which brings us to Le Chatelier's Principle in real-world chemical reactions,” Professor Choi says, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “This will be review for most of you, so I won’t go into too much detail.”
Chemistry is your favorite thing in the world. It’s real-life magic. And Professor Choi sees it that way too. His olive green chinos are wrinkled from walking from his office. The sleeves of his white button-down are pushed up so he can write freely on the whiteboard while his burgundy tie sways with his scurries.
Sparks of passion fill his eyes as he lectures. And he never disappoints with his cheesy jokes. Although you seem to be the only one that laughs at them—maybe you’re the only one that gets them. Not many students in his class are the experts in chemistry you are. You took it as a break from your intense course load and the elective credits are a nice bonus.
Most of your professors are so old they barely know how to turn on their laptop and are so deep into their tenure they’ve given up. If you bothered showing up to their office hours, you’d be lucky to find a professor, let alone a helpful one. So you’ve become a frequent visitor in Professor Choi’s office hours, talking about advanced chemistry he can’t wait to teach but it’ll be at least five years before he can. In the meantime, he’ll settle for nerding out with you in his office for a few hours every week.
“Great class today, everyone,” he says. “Have a great weekend and don’t hesitate to visit me during my office hours with any questions!” That sentence started out as a normal speaking voice but ended up a shout over the shuffling of the desk chairs and backpacks. You’re typically the last one out, but you save your questions for his office hours tomorrow.
-
“Hi,” you say, lightly tapping your knuckle against his office door.
Turning around in his chair, his lips form a pout in surprise at seeing you. “Were you waiting outside? Sorry that meeting ran a little long—” He shuffles to organize his desk.
“That’s okay.” Adjusting your bag on your shoulder, he rests his hands on his thighs and looks up at you. Did he just look you up and down? Don’t be ridiculous.
“What can I do ya for?”
“Right,” you start. “Can I…?” You ask, motioning toward the spare chair, waiting for his nod before sitting. “You know Professor Vaughn’s class?” You barely catch it, but his eyes roll. Professor Vaughn is the worst professor you’ve had. Boring, harsh, impatient. It doesn’t help he teaches one of the most complex forms of chemistry. “I’m not really getting this week’s content and was wondering if you could help me.”
“Of course.” He smiles. And it’s devastating. The sparkle in his eyes and those dimples. Craning his neck to look at your notes riddled with red question marks, he nods. As soon as he sees the title of your notes, he says, “Let’s think about this from a quantum mechanical perspective. If we assume that the π-complex is forming, we’re talking about a stabilization due to delocalization π-electrons, right?”
In what feels like no time at all, an hour has passed and the conversation has been the complete opposite of Professor Vaughn’s lectures. Questions led down rabbit holes, leading to other theorems and more questions. As he glances up at you through his glasses, there is an undeniable tingle in your stomach.
It’s not like you haven’t noticed how attractive Professor Choi is. He’s tall, lean but undeniably strong, he has the most perfect silky black hair and the prettiest brown eyes, and his pout—indescribably cute. And again—those goddamn dimples. He’s the perfect mixture of sexy, handsome, and pretty. You’d never think of doing anything with a professor, but you can’t help your mind wanders during the slower lectures.
How long have you been staring at each other in silence? Too long probably. He clears his throat. “Well,” he says, looking at his watch. “My office hours have been over for a few—”
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry,” you say, stumbling as you stand, attempting to gather your things as quickly as possible. But he shakes his head, trying to shrug it off.
“That’s okay,” he says. “I, uh, I just have my emails waiting for me.”
You nod, shoving everything into your bag and heading out the door. What was that? You’re probably overreacting, you think to yourself. He’s charming because of his looks, there’s no way he’d— No. Don’t even finish that thought.
-
"How is it that someone who scored the highest in my theoretical chemistry exam is turning basic lab work into a spectacle of incompetence?" Professor Vaughn boasts over your right shoulder. No doubt his thick eyebrows are furrowed.
As your hands tighten around the test tube, you know exactly what to do—you always do—but everything slips through your fingers in his class.
"I’m trying to get the reaction to stabilize," you stammer, eyes darting between your hands, the chemical reagents lined up on the table, and your notebook.
Professor Vaugn’s expression hardens as he steps closer, looking down his nose at your station. "Trying is for high school sophomores. If you’re still trying, you’re behind."
Taking a deep breath, you carefully add three more drops to the mixture but the reaction goes wrong. Again. A plume of white smoke rises from the beaker, and the liquid turns an unexpected, muddy brown.
"Unbelievable," Vaughn mutters loud enough for everyone to hear. Everyone knows you’re the best student in your class. Well, everyone except Soren, who’s so jealous of your intelligence they can hardly stand it. They simply smirk. "I expected more from you."
Your heart sinks. You checked those calculations three times. Maybe it’s your shaky hands. Or the pressure of him looming over your shoulder. Or the other stuff on your mind.
"Are you going to sit there and guess again, or would you like to double down on failure with your next attempt?" Vaughn sneers, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I’m not guessing, Professor. I—"
"Can’t manage a basic reaction?" Vaughn interrupts with his icy voice. "I’m beginning to wonder how you even made it into this program."
"I’m perfectly capable. The solution is just—"
"Wrong. Yes, we’ve established that." Vaughn’s lips curl into a patronizing sneer. "Maybe chemistry isn’t the field for you if this is the best you can manage." That got everyone’s attention—it would be an interesting sight to see you fail. It so rarely happens. Sure, you’ve been doubted before but have always proven yourself. Today would be no different.
You take a deep breath and count to yourself, One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
As you block out Vaughn’s piercing gaze and the weight of the other students’ eyes, you carefully remeasure the chemical, adjusting the proportions this time, methodically double-checking your work. You add the reagent once more, slowly, and watch as the solution begins to shift.
A moment passes. The reaction stabilizes and the solution turns a clear, pale blue.
"Finally," Vaughn mutters. You don’t even have to look at him to know he rolled his eyes. He turns to walk away but pauses. "Barely acceptable. Next time, you won’t be given the luxury of so many failures."
-
Bursting through the door upon dismissal, you can’t get to the restroom fast enough, barely making it to a stall before tears stream down your cheeks.
“One. Two. Three. Four. Five,” you whisper to yourself.
Sometimes, chemical reactions need to be dealt with instantly, but that’s an overwhelming amount of pressure. You give yourself five seconds before you absolutely have to deal with it. Same thing here. Cry. Count to five. Wipe your tears and move on.
But it’s difficult to move on this time. You’ve counted to five a few too many times today. But the only person you want to talk about it with is—
Professor Choi, Are you available to meet me in Lab 270 tomorrow afternoon? I’ve been struggling with some reactions and could use some help. I’ll be there from 2:00—4:00. If not, no worries!
Sniffling, you hit send on your email app, shove your phone in your bag and head home.
The next day drags on and on. Did he even get your message? Expecting an empty lab, you’re surprised to find Professor Choi waiting for you behind a laptop wearing a cute tweed jacket with suede elbow patches. His eyebrows are furrowed as his focused eyes study the computer, but they brighten at the sight of you.
Initially surprised by your confusion, he squeezes his eyes shut and says, “I didn’t respond to your email, did I?” He’s already got the lab station set up. How long has he been waiting on you? “So, how’s Professor Vaughn’s class?” Did someone tell him about yesterday? God, you hope not.
“Fine,” you deadpan. Shaking your head, you say, “I’m sorry…I’m just kinda stressed.”
“I can go if you need some time by—”
“No,” you say, softening your tone. “I’d really appreciate your help.”
And he’s more than willing, letting you ask whatever you want, never interrupting or talking over you like most of the men in the program. He gives you space to explore ideas and theories, listening closely instead of answering everything for you.
And he’s so damn sexy when he’s the one doing the ranting. The way he talks with his hands, ones that are so big with fingers so long you wish he would wrap around your—
“Shut up.”
“Excuse me?” He asks.
Oh shit, did you say that out loud? What a fucking nightmare. “Uh, sorry, just…talking to myself. Too many thoughts racing around the ole dome.”
A slight pout forms on his lips as he continues his rant. Now, the only thing you can think of are his lips wrapped around your—
“Ah!” Your hand slips toward the Bunsen burner and, great, now you’ve got a nice burn on your thumb.
“Oh gosh, are you okay?” He stands quickly. “Let me see.” His fingers graze your palm, igniting a fiercer burn than the actual flame just did. “Run it under cold water, okay?”
In the meantime, he straightens up your station before meeting you at the sink. “Is something wrong?” His words make you jump. “You seem distracted.”
That’s all it takes. The floodgates open. You rant about the sexist piece of shit Professor Vaughn and his power moves to intimidate you when he knows you’re the best student in the program. About how embarrassed you were in lab yesterday. Last semester when you raised your hand to correct an equation on the board and he gave you a firm talking to about respect after class.
He watches you carefully, handing over a towel for your hands as you take a steadying breath, fighting back tears.
“Did I ever tell you why I started studying chemistry?” he asks. You sniffle, shaking your head. “My grandfather. He was a baker.” His voice softens, and you look up to find his eyes full of kindness. “Every Saturday, he’d make me work in his bakery. I didn’t mind—it felt like magic, you know? But really, it’s science. It’s all precision, measurements, timing.”
A smile tugs at his lips. “Once, I tried baking a cake for my mom’s birthday, followed his recipe exactly. Measured the flour, the sugar, the cocoa. When I pulled it out of the oven, it was hard. Flat. I was sure he’d be disappointed, calling it a waste of time and ingredients. I was terrified. But he looked at it, smiled, and told me to try again the next day. When I asked why it didn’t work, he said I needed to ‘feel my way through it.’”
You sit there, the sting from your burn now fading, but your heart’s still aching, wanting something from him—a hug, a kiss, even just a pat on the shoulder.
“If I’d gotten it right the first time, I’d never know what overmixed batter looks like. Or that I like more cocoa than he did. Or that you should coat berries in flour.” His smile creeps up to his eyes. “Seeing how failure could make you better—it made me curious. I wanted to understand why some things worked and others didn’t, why I needed to feel my way through it, to get into the details.” He makes eye contact with you again. “That’s why I went into chemistry. Baking taught me the magic is in the little things—if you’re willing to screw up and keep going.”
Nodding, you smile back. His words hang in the air for a moment, like they’re meant to settle, but something’s missing.
“All I’m saying is, its okay to fuck things up, okay?” he says, his candidness drawing a chuckle from you. “How else would you learn?”
-
The world’s drained of color—only hazy shades of grey and beige are left. Your palms press against a cold marble countertop with the faint sound of running water echoing in the distance. The reflection of the mirror looks like you, but not quite. The woman in the mirror has her lips painted a dark, sultry brown, a shade you’d never choose. And the outfit is far too dressy for a lecture. Shadows fall where there shouldn’t be any.
The hallways are unfamiliar, yet you know it's the same building you visit almost every day. It's blurry, like you’re walking through a memory that isn’t yours.
You look down at the saddle shoes on your feet clicking against the tile floor, unnervingly filling the emptiness. It feels like someone else is controlling your body but you don’t question it. You can’t. Your hand raises, knuckles brushing a wooden door before it creaks open on its own.
On the other side of the door, Professor Choi faces a green chalkboard. Has that always been in his office? Hurriedly scribbling down equations, he glances between the board and the notebook in his hand. When he looks over his shoulder at you, his eyes soften and a slow smile spreads across his face. “Come in,” he says gently, setting his notebook aside. His voice wraps around you, making the room feel smaller, closer. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
Your spine tingles. “I know,” you reply, but the words sound hollow, like you’re speaking from somewhere else.
“Here,” he suggests, holding a piece of chalk out to you. The way he gestures toward the board is magnetic. As you take it from his hand, your fingers brush his. “What do you think of this?” An unfinished equation waits to be solved. His presence looms behind you, close but not quite touching as you reach up to solve it. Your heart pounds, every stroke of the chalk on the board heavier than it should.
“Impressive,” he murmurs, his voice low, rough around the edges. You turn to face him and he’s closer than expected, his warmth radiating against your skin. The air is thick with something unspoken. You step closer, tentative at first, then quicker, more certain. Your lips almost brush his, but he pulls back, his breath catching.
He looks down, your name a whisper on his lips, soft and pained. “I—” His eyes flicker up to meet yours, then fall back down like the weight of your gaze is too much.
“What?” You ask, your voice barely more than a breath. Your eyes dart between his, lingering on his tempting mouth. He leans in again with desire in his eyes. He wants to kiss you. You can feel it. And for a moment you think he might.
But he pulls away, his forehead nearly resting against yours. “I don’t think we should be doing this,” he says, his voice strained, as if saying the words is physically painful for him.
“Why not?” The question slips from your lips before you can stop it, frustration and longing lacing your tone.
His hands flex at his sides, like he’s fighting the urge to touch you. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to, or—”
“Why would I feel like that?” you interrupt, your voice impatient. Your heart races, pounding in your ears, drowning out reason.
“I’m your professor,” he breathes out like it’s a curse. His words only fan the flames of the tension building between you. There’s nothing wrong with that, you think to yourself. It’s not like you’re fresh out of high school—you’re a grad student, close to starting the same PhD he earned barely three years ago. He’s no more than five years older.
“I don’t care,” you insist, stepping even closer, your lips a breath away from his. “I want you to kiss me.”
His eyes darken, his resolve faltering as his gaze drops to your lips. “It’s a mistake,” he whispers, but his voice trembles with indecision, trying to convince himself more than you.
“Make the mistake,” you urge, your voice soft but sure. Your hand reaches for his tie, tugging as light as you can just to bring him that much closer. “You said it yourself, it’s okay to fuck things up.”
There’s a beat of silence, so thick it feels as though the room itself is holding its breath, waiting. And in that moment, the space between you seems to collapse, the weight of everything unsaid pulling you closer.
The millisecond before your lips touch, you breathe awake.
You bolt straight up, feeling around your soft bed sheets, breathless as your heart pounds from the vividness of it all. For a moment, you linger in the feeling, brushing your fingers over your lips, feeling the warmth of the almost kiss. But reality sinks in and your stomach drops.
Reaching for your phone, you check the time. Great, it’s almost time for his class. But there’s no hazy world to hide in. Skipping class might be an option but an exam reminder drags you out of bed.
-
Trudging across campus, your stomach sinks lower with each step. How can you look him in the eye? Dropping your bag to the floor with a thud, you hang your head low. Let’s just get through this exam and get outta here.
“How’s your hand?” Professor Choi’s voice shakes you out of your thoughts. “Sorry,” he chuckles, holding his hands up. “Didn’t mean to scare ya.” Looking at you like you’re the cutest puppy he’s ever seen, you can’t bring yourself to speak, but you hold out your hand. The second his fingertips touch yours, you flinch and jerk it back.
“Um—” you start. “Better, thanks.” Turning away from him, you distract yourself with a random notebook from your bag.
“...You okay? You shouldn’t be nervous about the exam.” When you look up, you’re met with eyes that appear…hurt?
“No, it’s not that.” That’s not a good answer. “Just…” What would you even say? I had an incredibly vivid—and delicious—dream about you last night and now I need to know how your lips feel in real life? “Cramps.”
“Ah.” He nods and leaves you alone, awkwardly walking to the front of the class to make some announcements and general good wishes before the exam. With your fist pressed to your chin, you refuse to look up, hanging your head low even as he slides you your copy.
There’s a bright green post-it stuck to it with a note, It’s okay to fuck it up! Your heart races as your eyes dart around searching for him. When you find him, he gives you a soft smile. You return the smile but rush to unstick it before anyone sees, storing it in your notebook for safe keeping.
-
As you return to your apartment, the post-it stares back at you like you’re the guiltiest son-of-a-bitch in the world. It’s practically calling you a whore. And you can hardly take it anymore. You can’t bring yourself to face him for class a few days later—although skipping feels like a cardinal sin. Soon enough, though, your email dings.
From: Choi Soobin, PhD I noticed you were absent from class today. I hope everything’s okay. The lecture notes are attached for your reference. Feel free to stop by my office hours with any questions. Professor Choi
Did your heart just flutter? Why are you walking toward his office? When you knock on the door, he stands—more like stumbles—to greet you, “Hi!”
“Hi, Professor Choi…” You linger in the doorway, clutching your notebook tight to your chest. “Sorry I missed class—”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yeah—”
“You’re not overwhelmed with coursework, are you?” His eyes search yours, and there’s a softness in his voice that makes it hard to look away.
“No, no, I’m alright. I just…had a migraine this morning,” you say, shrugging slightly. “It’s gone now, though.”
He nods, easing into a warm smile. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.” His gaze doesn’t waver and the intensity makes your pulse quicken. “So, I’m guessing you’re here to go over questions from the lecture?”
“Actually, it’s Professor Vaughn’s class I’m struggling with. His lecture today was…brutal.”
“I’m shocked,” he says sarcastically. “The man’s got a gift for making simple concepts sound like Greek.”
“Exactly,” you laugh, the tension in your shoulders easing. “I thought it was me, but he seems to take pride in making everything harder than it needs to be.”
“Trust me, it’s not you,” he says, a glint of warmth in his eyes. “He’s terrible. And annoying. And boring. And I’d tell him that.”
You raise a brow, skeptical. “You wouldn’t.”
“Well…” He breaks into a grin. “Maybe after I reach tenure. Though he may be retired by then.”
“Or dead,” you say matter-of-factly. He looks at you awkwardly then you both laugh, genuinely. There’s an ease to it.
He gestures to your notebook. “Alright, let’s see what we’re dealing with.”
-
“I can’t believe I’m laughing at that,” you say, a giggle escaping your lips.
“You always laugh at my bad jokes,” he replies, staring at your face a little too longingly. If you were anyone else, he might find some excuse to touch you. Maybe brush a piece of lint off your shoulder, lightly touch your arm while he laughed at something you said, or something as casual as a fist bump.
If he were any other guy, you’d be much more obvious, making it crystal clear you want him to kiss you right now. But you can’t. You don’t even know how he thinks about you. You’re probably just another student to him.
“Well, those are all my questions,” you say, awkwardly packing your bag.
“Yeah, you can, uh…head out…” he trails off as you start to rise from your seat.
You’re searching for something to say, something to let you stay just a little longer. But nothing comes. He watches you walk toward the door, the silence hanging in the space between you.
“Pens!” His voice suddenly burst out, loud enough to make you stop mid-step. “They, uh—I went to a conference last week and they gave me a ton,” he says, scrambling to gather a handful from his desk.
You take them, your fingers brushing against his in a way that feels far too intimate. His eyes lock with yours, the touch sending a ripple of tension through you. “But you’re, uh…picky about your pens, aren’t you?” He asks, his voice softer now, almost unsure.
Laughing quietly, you say, “Yeah, but…that’s okay.” Your words are heavy with subtext you can’t bring yourself to say out loud. “Well, goodbye.” You offer him a smile, stepping back toward the door. “Thanks again.”
“Yeah. Goodbye,” he says, but his feet shuffle forward as if he’s moving without thinking. Awkwardly reaching for a handshake, he realizes your hands are occupied. Instead, he reaches around you for the door handle, but he gets a tad too close and your brain scrambles.
Before you can hold yourself back, you drop the pens, letting them clatter to the floor as your arms wrap around his neck. Your lips meet his in a rush, warm and soft. While your eyes close to savor the feeling, his widen in shock before he relaxes into your touch and wraps his hands around your waist, pulling you closer.
It’s everything you’ve been holding back—unspoken feelings unraveling in a heartbeat. His lips move against yours with a hunger that surprises you, the world melting away as you lose yourself in the moment. You feel weightless, your pulse racing as his hands grip your waist a little tighter, as though he’s afraid to let you go.
When you finally break apart, breathless and dazed, he presses his forehead to yours, the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re never gonna use those pens, are you?” he asks, his voice low and rough, like he’s trying to anchor himself in humor, trying to bring himself back down to earth.
You laugh, shaking your head. “No,” you admit, your heart still pounding. “They’re garbage.”
Before you can think, you kiss him again and this time, he doesn’t hesitate. His mouth crashes into yours with an urgency, like he’s wanted to kiss you since the second he laid eyes on you. His lips are soft, but his kiss is demanding, making up for all the lost moments between you. For those few minutes, nothing else matters—you bask in one of the greatest kisses either of you have ever had. But not for long.
Reality catches up too quickly. You pull away suddenly, breathless and wide-eyed. “Oh my god—” you gasp, backing up, your fingers graze your lips trying to make sense of what just happened. “I’m so sorry—”
“No,” he interrupts quickly, shaking his head. “Don’t be. I—” He’s stumbling through his words, just as lost as you are but neither of you regret it. “I wanted—”
“That was…” You can’t even finish your sentence. It was everything. Too much, too fast, too real. But you can’t take it back.
“I—” He’s trying to find the right words, to reassure you, to tell you he felt it too, that he wanted it just as badly. But he’s as flustered as you are, his voice rough and unsure.
“I’ll just…go throw myself off a bridge now,” you mumble. You can’t even look at him as you make a beeline for the door, your face burning with embarrassment. You think you hear him say something, but the blood rushing in your ears drowns it out.
You leave the room quickly, your heart about to burst through your chest, trying to process what just happened. The kiss lingers on your lips, a mix of exhilaration and terror swirling inside you. It’s too much to handle.
But, hey, there’s one bit of good news. At least he kissed you back.
-
What the fuck are you supposed to do now? Drop his class? It’s too late in the semester for that. And you need those credits. Wait until the end of the semester to talk to him again? Can you go that long without his lips on yours again?
Back at your apartment, you rummage through your books to find the university’s code of conduct, hurriedly searching for anything related to “appropriate relationships,” “faculty-student relationships,” “consensual,” blah blah blah, whatever the university has coded sleeping with a professor.
The University strongly urges those individuals in positions of authority not to engage in conduct of an amorous or sexual nature with a person they are, or are likely in the future to be, in a position of evaluating.
Your eyes read over the words, “strongly urges” once more. Not totally against the rules, you suppose. Even if you did wait until the semester was over, you’d need to report it. You wish you could talk with him about it, but bringing this up is tricky. Is it moving too fast? You can’t text him, you don’t have his number. And using your student email to send a message to his faculty email that says, “Oh, by the way, I checked the rules and we’re in the clear to have sex!” is a terrible idea.
Maybe one kiss in his office doesn’t mean anything. Oh, but it was everything.
-
After much deliberation, you convince yourself to attend his class a few days later. You’ve brought the code of conduct along, as well as a bright pink post-it sticking out of the book. To avoid any form of small talk with him, you wait outside right until the start of class.
Along the way to your desk, you silently plop the code of conduct on his desk and scurry away. When you work up the courage to look up at him, he’s flipped to the marked page. Highlighted on the page is the paragraph that “strongly urges” people in positions of authority not to sleep with students.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed. The message couldn’t be clearer, he thought. You’re practically telling him to leave you alone. But when he finally reads the post-it, his heart flutters. Written in your handwriting, it says, It’s okay to fuck it up! complete with a smiley face.
As much as he tries to fight it, he glances up at you to catch your gaze. And just as the slightest smile appears on his face, a big one appears on yours. You hide it with your palm as you start at the blank page of your notebook. Blinking, he shakes his head and begins his lecture. But how can you concentrate now?
You’ve gotta give it to him, he delivers his lecture perfectly. If it were you, you’d barely be able to think. Hell, you barely can throughout the whole thing.
Now that you’ve gotten that smile of permission, you finally let yourself daydream.
Has his ass always been that cute? Has he always been that tall? Has his voice always been that deep and sexy?
You don’t even know what he’s talking about, but that’s okay, you can always stop by his office hours. “What do you think?” He asks.
Oh shit, he’s looking at you for an answer. He can always rely on you to keep class moving along when everybody else is dead silent. You shake out of your thoughts, panic-reading the board to come up with something. It's similar to your discussion you had the last time you went to his office hours. The time that ended in that gorgeous kiss. Throwing together an answer, his eyes brighten as he cheers, “Exactly!”
Oh my god. He’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You could just gobble him up.
-
“So, I suppose we should talk about…” Professor Choi trails off, leaving the sentence hanging in the air like it’s obvious what he’s getting at. And it is. But you stay quiet. You wanna hear him admit it. You raise an eyebrow, playing coy.
You decided to press your luck by visiting his office outside scheduled office hours—right after class—to simply test the waters and gauge his reaction to the code of conduct and that kiss…that incredible kiss.
“You know…” He gestures vaguely between the two of you, sighing like okay, fine, I guess I’ll say it. “I like you and you like me, right?” His voice dips just slightly, enough for you to notice the hesitation. “Unless I’m totally misreading—”
“No! You’re not…misreading anything,” you’re quick to say, along with a chuckle. Phew—he was worried there for a second. So goddamn cute. “What do you wanna talk about?”
He exhales a small laugh, but his smile is strained, cautious. “I want to make sure you don’t feel…weird about this.” Hand sliding nervously along the edge of his desk, he traces the wood grain before his eyes flick up to meet yours. Truth be told, he’d never do something like this with a student. Never want to make anyone feel pressured. But he never thought he’d feel like this. Giddy and blushy like you’re his first crush.
“Why would I feel weird?” You tilt your head, genuinely curious. You’ve thought about this—about him—far too much for any of it to feel weird.
“I’m just terrified you feel like you need to do something about this.” You’re taken aback, confusion visibly etched across your face. “You know, because I’m your professor or because I’m in the department and I know your plans for a PhD here.” His voice softens, vulnerability creeping in. “I don’t want it to feel like I’m pushing you into anything.”
“I don’t,” you say gently. “It’s not like that.”
He nods, though the tightness in his jaw doesn’t disappear. “Because if you ever even remotely feel like I’m pressuring you, I want you to tell me. Immediately. I mean it.”
“No,” You shake your head, almost too fast. “I mean, it doesn’t feel like that. Not at all. I’ve thought about this…about us, a lot.” Your voice falters for a moment as his eyes widen, softening in a way that makes your stomach flutter. You weren’t expecting him to look at you like that—so open, so relieved.
His fingers twitch as if he’s resisting the urge to reach out to you. “Yeah?”
You nod again, more confidently this time. “But I think we should wait until the semester’s over. Before we…you know…do anything.”
He smiles gently and leans back, visibly more at ease. “I think so too.”
But you didn’t realize how fucking difficult it would be to get through the last six weeks of the semester. Every class you sit there, thighs pressed together thinking about the dirtiest things you want him to do to you. Every office hour you went to, you could practically swim through the thickness of the tension between you two.
It didn’t help how cute he was being. Post-its he’d leave on every exam of yours—You’re gonna do great! You’ve got this. Trust your instincts.—encouragement no other student got. You kept every one of them in your bedside table drawer.
When finals week finally arrives, it wasn’t just about exams; it was about counting the hours until you could finally be with him. Or at least talk to him like he wasn’t your professor. As he handed over your final exam, the familiar green post-it note was stuck to it: Happy Finals Week!
Your internal scream was so loud, you’re worried your classmates heard it. You’d pre-written a post-it to stick to it once you returned the exam. It had your phone number, a smiley face, and the words: Since you’re not my professor anymore.
-
After a full day of checking your phone every twenty seconds, you started to give up. Was he just playing you? Did someone else see the note? Did he change his mind? But finally, you receive a text.
hi! this is soobin (professor choi lol). i was wondering if you wanted to get dinner or something?
soobin!! omg yes i would love to get dinner with you :) how’s tomorrow?
how about right now? if you want, of course! no pressure we can totally wait until tomorrow it’s up to you
You squealed into your pillow, kicking and giggling like an idiot. Should you be flirty back?
i can be ready in 30 min. 364 oakridge drive. it’s an apartment building- i’ll meet you downstairs.
be there in 45 :)
-
Like a perfect gentleman, Soobin meets you at the passenger door, swinging it open with a charming smile before gently closing it behind you. The slow walk up to his front door makes your stomach stir. He has to fumble through his keys to unlock it.
Once inside, he slips his shoes off quietly, revealing cozy patterned socks that make you smile. Meticulously, he hangs his jacket on a coat tree and places his keys in a speckled clay catch-all that rests on a table next to a houseplant. As he walks toward the kitchen, he glances over his shoulder, his voice low and inviting. “Do you want a drink or something?” The warmth in his gaze makes your heart skip a beat.
You’re drawn to this softer side of him. In class, his tone is bright and dorky. In his office, it’s casual and laid-back. At dinner, it was sweet and charming. But now? Now it’s sultry, almost sexy. Like he can’t wait to be with you but would never, ever pressure you.
“Hot tea?” You suggest with a steady voice, despite the butterflies in your stomach.
“Sounds good,” he agrees, switching on his tea kettle. In the meantime, you take a look around his much neater than expected apartment.
The mid-century modern furniture is impeccably arranged—a sleek sofa, a low coffee table, and a stylish armchair with an even more stylish decorative pillow. Perfectly nurtured plants thrive around the room, adding a green vibrancy to the minimalist backdrop, breathing life into the space. A gallery wall above his expensive-looking couch features travel photos, beautiful art, and a few subtly science-inspired pieces. In the corner across the couch is a sleek electric fireplace underneath a huge TV.
“Who’s this?” you ask, your heart swelling as a fluffy gray cat glares at you through one half-open eye. Her perfectly groomed fur and regal posture make her look like she owns the place. Just then, Soobin steps into the living room, holding two steaming mugs of tea, filling the air with a warm spice.
“That’s Molly…short for Molecule,” he says. “Don’t worry, she’s sweet.”
Extending your hand toward the cat, he starts to sniff you. “Hi, M—wait,” you pause, looking up at Soobin with a teasing smile. “Molly, short for Molecule?” He nods, his grin widening. “You’re adorable,” you tell him. Has anyone ever blushed quite like he did just now?
He stares down at his feet, clearly caught off guard. “You’re,” he starts. “Well, you’re cute too.” His sincerity makes your smile grow even stronger.
“Can I sit?” you ask, nodding toward the couch.
“Oh,” his smile falters for a moment. “Yes, of course. Make yourself at home.” You plop down on his couch, settling into the surprisingly soft cushions. Molly clearly doesn’t think the couch is big enough for the two of you, so she strides over to probably the nicest cat tree you’ve ever seen.
You sip your hot tea and your body finally relaxes. As you reach to sit it on the coffee table, he politely asks, “I don’t mean to be a square, but can you use a coaster?”
“Of course,” you say, complying with the request. “So, tell me,” you begin, clearing your throat. “How’d I do on my final?” Humming, he stands to rummage through his messenger bag slumped over a dining chair. You gasp, “A ninety-seven?” Thumbing through the pages, you find a single red X on possibly the easiest question you’ve had on an exam since high school: What is the atomic number of oxygen? “Are you kidding me?”
Any attempt to mask your embarrassment is impossible. It only deepens when you look up and catch him already watching you—lips pressed tight, failing miserably to hide a smug, amused smile.
“I, uh…” You scratch the back of your neck. “I got that one wrong on purpose. You know, so as to not raise any suspicion.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, did you now?” You nod. “That was on the exam just so Toby wouldn’t get a zero.” You nod begrudgingly. “And you put 10! That’s not even close. That’s—”
“Neon,” you grumble. “Yeah I know…” you say, avoiding his eyes as he laughs playfully.
“Neon’s a noble gas and oxygen is a—”
“Reactive nonmetal,” you cut him off. “I know, okay?” You shove his shoulder playfully, but your grin betrays you. “It was a high-pressure environment. Sitting in an exam room with your professor watching you."
"I barely looked up from my laptop,” he reminds you.
"Your presence is distracting enough," you shoot back, eyes sparkling with mischief.
"Ah, so my intellectual aura threw you off?”
“I dunno…is that what you think, professor?” You ask cheekily. “Maybe it was something else.” You’ve tossed the exam onto the coffee table, moving closer.
“Like what?”
“Just…you. You’re distracting.” You smirk, the words slipping out almost involuntarily, like they’ve been waiting on the tip of your tongue.
Intrigued, he tilts his head and asks, “What about me?” There’s something magnetic in the way he looks at you—like he knows the answer but wants to hear you say it, to savor the way it sounds coming from your lips.
You hum, tracing the lines of his body with your eyes, mapping out uncharted territory before exploring it. You don’t want to move too fast, but every fiber of your being screams for more. He’s not lighting a fire inside you—he’s setting the whole forest ablaze. Sure, your imagination has been running rampant since he returned your feelings six weeks ago, but now that you’re here, he scrambles every thought.
“Your eyes…” you say while yours flick over his face, taking in every curve, every freckle, every lash. “They’re so pretty.”
A smile—small but real—tugs at the corners of his lips. The kind that’s private, meant just for you. His eyes darken as he leans in, the space between you shrinking. You glance down, noticing the way his long fingers curl around the mug handle. There’s something almost hesitant in the way he holds it. You take it from him gently, setting it atop a coaster as quietly as you can.
“Your hands…” you whisper, fingers barely brushing his knuckles, tension coiled under his skin. They’re hands that have worked, experimented, written things down—hands you want on you. Guiding one to your thigh, the squeeze he returns sends a shudder through you.
Everything between you is electric. Your breaths come faster now, more desperate. Every inch you move toward him is a test, a slow-motion collapse of restraint.
“Your legs…” A soft breathless chuckle escapes as you glance down. His lips part like he’s about to speak, but you don’t give him the chance. Boldness surges through you like a current and you hike one leg over both of his, straddling him. The shift is seismic. His hands move to your hips, gripping you, afraid to let go. The heat of his touch spreads through you, anchoring you in place, though it feels like everything around you is spinning.
“And your lips…” you murmur, leaning closer, your breath mingling with his. “Oh my god, those fucking lips.” You can’t stop staring at them, just a breath away now, soft and wet. Your pulse races.
You cup his face, lifting his chin until his eyes meet yours again. His pupils are blown wide, the desire in them unmistakable. Your thumb brushes his bottom lip, and the moment stretches, suspended. You lean in just enough to feel his breath on your lips.
“Kiss me,” you whisper.
And he does.
It isn’t tentative—it’s dam-breaking. Like he’s been starving for it, holding back for years. His lips are soft but urgent as his hands tighten around your hips to pull you closer. You taste jasmine tea on his lips, a subtle sweetness mingling with the spice of his cologne—clove, pepper, something dark and addictive.
“Holy shit,” you whisper against his lips. “I can’t believe I had to wait so long to kiss you again.” You kiss him again and he moans sweetly into your mouth. Just as the kiss deepens, he retreats, his breath ragged. “You okay?”
Nervously nodding, he says, “Yeah,” but his eyes flicker away. He tries to kiss you again, but you place your hand on his chest, gently stopping him.
“Wait,” you say, eyes searching his face. “What’s going on? Am I being too—”
“No,” he says, almost a little too urgently. “It’s not that. It’s just…” His hands fall to the couch. Bracing to tell the truth, he squeezes his eyes shut before adding, “I need to tell you something.” You sit back on your heels, still in his lap but giving him room to speak.
“What is it?” You ask softly.
“There’s this thing… I haven’t—uh…” He stumbles over the words, his fingers twitching at his sides.
“Soobin?” you ask, your voice gentle but steady. That’s the first time you’ve called him by his first name. It feels utterly…vulnerable. “Are you a virgin?” The question is delicate. Shutting his eyes again, he takes a deep breath.
“No,” he says. “Well, not exactly.” You narrow your eyes at him. What is that even supposed to mean? “It’s just…it’s been a while. And before then, I hadn’t had a lot of sex. And I haven’t had any…recently.”
“How long?” you encourage, your eyes softening.
“A year.”
You hum softly in acknowledgement, watching his confidence falter. Instead of pulling back, you lean forward, trailing slow, deliberate kisses along his neck. He trembles under your touch, a soft gasp escaping his lips, your hands moving all over his body, claiming him.
“Oh, Professor Choi,” you whisper, your voice dripping with heat and promise. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”
-
As your breath slows, you sit up and let your hand linger over his chest, feeling his heartbeat under your palm. “Tell me,” you start. “What do you like?”
“Um,” he swallows, trying to force the lump down his throat. He’s so hesitant but he finally says, “Touching.”
“You touching my body or me touching yours?”
He exhales shakily. “The first,” he says, confirming with a squeeze to your hips.
You hum against his ear. What are you gonna do with him? Tease him forever? Let him have his way with you? You ask, “Why don’t you take my shirt off for me?”
Gracing his hands over your arms, he grounds himself again before asking, “You sure?”
“I’m sure.” You nod, guiding his hands to the top button of your blouse, letting him slip it through the buttonhole. One by one, he exposes more of your skin, his heart thumping harder with each passing second. Pushing the silky fabric past your shoulders until your top half is only covered by a bubblegum pink mesh bra, leaving almost nothing to the imagination—except for the red embroidered hearts over your nipples.
After easing the shirt out from your trousers, you reach back to pull at the sleeves, letting the shirt fall to the floor. He slips his finger under one of your bra straps, pulling it to the side, but you stop him. “Wait. It’s your turn.”
Tugging on his tie, you slip it through the collar and unbutton his dress shirt. Seeing his body bare in front of you for the first time, you’re practically drooling. You indulge in running your hands all over his body, lean with subtle muscles, from his chest to the bottom of his abs.
“How come you got to touch me if I didn’t get to touch you?” He asks innocently.
“You’re right,” you chuckle. “I’m sorry.” You smile and sit up to press your palms against his and let your fingers intertwine. Your heart melts and you fear you may throw up. “Did you want to take my bra off first?” He nods. Fumbling fingers reach behind you to snap it off, letting it fall to the couch. As he sees your bare tits, his eyes widen and he lets out the cutest little Oh.
He’s hesitant to do anything. You have to guide his hands to massage your tits—and they’re the perfect size for you.
“You’re so…soft,” he says, looking up at your eyes, like he’s not sure if that was okay to say.
“You like them?” He nods eagerly. Experimentally swiping a thumb across a nipple, it hardens at his touch while you let out a sharp gasp.
“You like that,” he says matter-of-factly. “Can I taste?” Nodding, you lean forward, welcoming his lips. His body finally relaxes as he moans against your skin. Circling the tip of his tongue around your nipple, he’s teasing you. And oh my god do you love it.
One of your hands threads through his hair and you stuff the other down your pants, but he grabs your wrist softly.
“That’s not fair,” he whispers and you concede, keeping your hands to yourself. With one hand, he stuffs your tit back in his mouth while the other plays with your other nipple. His hot, wet mouth on one nipple and his teasing fingers playing with the other sends waves of pleasure through you that may send you over the edge.
If you don’t do something to ease your need, you’re not sure how much longer you’ll be able to take this. You resort to grinding against his hard cock, making his hips buck.
Lifting your legs off his, you swing around to sit next to him, palming his cock over his trousers. Desperately clawing at the waistband, you unbutton and unzip his pants, encouraging him to kick them off. He stands to slip them off and as you reach for the band of his boxers, he stops you.
“Your turn,” he whispers. And you comply. But not without a show. Standing slowly, you push him to the couch and turn your back to him. As you push your pants down, your ass looks delicious in your thong that matches your bra—mesh bubblegum pink with red trim. When you turn back, he’s fisting himself over his underwear.
“Nuh-uh, that’s not fair,” you say. Returning next to him on the couch, you feel him over his boxers and your mouth waters. Goddamn you can’t wait for him to be inside you. “Do you have any lube?” He nods and shortly returns with a barely used tube.
While he stays standing, you sit up on the couch, running your hands across his muscular thighs and perfect pelvis. Looking up at him, his eyes are bright, darting all over your body like he’s afraid to miss something. He fiddles with his waistband, flipping the elastic over softly. A small smile flicks across your lips before you tug his boxers down his legs, leaving trails of kisses along the way.
Encouraging him to sit down, you look down at his cock, long and hard and dripping with precum. Finally, you drag your fingertips up and down his cock before squeezing him. He moans like you’ve never heard a man moan before. Laying your head on his shoulder, you sprinkle kisses all over his skin, finding a spot behind his ear that makes him squirm.
He hisses and—almost involuntarily—wraps one of his hands around yours to use his long fingers to guide your hand up and down. There’s something magical about someone with so little experience telling—no, showing—you what to do with his body. It’s electrifying. He hasn’t been touched in so long that he’s desperate to get off and can’t waste time with words. But no words need to be shared. His movements tell you what speed he likes.
Snaking his other arm around you, he stuffs his fingers in your hair and clenches his fist, subconsciously tugging the strands. His lips are right against your ear, breathing rapidly and heavily and he can hardly take it anymore. You watch his chest rise and fall as he clenches your hair, moaning getting quicker, he squeaks and whines.
Hurriedly pressing his lips to your temple, you can’t take your eyes off his cock as he shoots short spurts of cum all over his stomach. It takes a moment for him to catch his breath before he gives you a sweet smile.
You don’t let up with kisses all over his body. Sprinkling kisses here and there while he cleans himself up with a hand towel he’d brought with him when he got the lube from his bedroom. Once he’s clean, he slouches down the couch.
“Will you sit on my face?” His eyes are ever so sweet and innocent, like he’s finally able to test all his fantasies. “Please…” You hum like you’re only considering it, but we all know you’ll say yes. “Please, mommy?” Everything halts.
“Mommy?”
“F-fuck—” he sits up, ears turning redder than you’ve ever seen them—anyone’s ears for that matter. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked first—”
“No, no…” you say gently, cupping his jaw to make him look at you. You can’t help yourself—you press your lips to his again and you lose yourself in his intoxicating kiss. But you break it and say, “Keep calling me that.”
“M-mommy?” You hum. Before you give him what he asked for, you shove your tit in front of his lips. He doesn’t need to be told what to do. His plush lips wrap around your hard nipple while he thumbs the other. It feels like fucking heaven.
“That’s my good boy.” He lets out the most pathetic whimper you’ve ever heard in your goddamn life. His eyebrows furrow, looking up at you through his lashes. “Are you my good boy?”
“Yes,” he says, nodding eagerly. “Yes, mommy. Of course.”
“Soobin,” you breathe in disbelief, dropping your head back. “You’re so sexy, I swear to god.”
“Nuh-uh,” he shakes his head. “That’s you.” He smiles. “Will you please sit on my face now?” He slouches down again without waiting for an answer. “Please.” You hike your leg up to rest your foot against the back of the couch, gently hovering over him. But he wraps his hands around your hips to yank you down. As he flicks his tongue over your clit, you might be embarrassed by the volume of your moan, but there’d be no reason to.
“I thought you said you didn’t do this a lot?”
“Well,” he takes a deep breath. “This was always what I was best at.” You chuckle. “Wait, no—” he shakes his head. “I’m good at the other stuff too. I hope.” Returning his tongue to your clit, you gasp and fall forward, bracing yourself against the back of the couch. He seizes the opportunity to get fully entranced in your taste.
There's an impossible contrast—your body melts, muscles soft and pliant as you surrender to the pleasure but, at the same time, goosebumps prickle along your skin, sharp and electric. Warmth and vulnerability layered with a thrill that leaves you shivering, somehow both at ease and on edge.
But then he snakes his hand behind your ass to tease your asshole with his pinky. And it's overwhelming. Your knees are so weak you can hardly hold yourself up. The way his hands feel on your body, touching you in all the right places, flicking his tongue perfectly, moaning so temptingly along with the built up tension—it is so much. So. Fucking. Much.
It builds in your stomach—teetering on the edge and god you only hope he doesn’t stop what he’s doing. But you can’t form words to tell him that. But he knows.
And then it happens.
You feel like you’re floating—or falling may be more accurate—as your orgasm washes over you, thighs quite literally quivering around his face as you come undone on top of him. For him. Unable to hold yourself up any longer, you roll and plop to the couch and he sloppily replaces his tongue with his fingers. You make a mental note to show him exactly where your clit is later. How is it that he found it so easily with his tongue but missed it with his hand? You guess he was right—oral is what he’s best at. Your chest heaves with your deep breaths as you come down from your high, watching him smirk at you.
“Oh my god,” you say breathlessly. There’s a beat of silence. “What the fuck?”
“What?” He chuckles.
“I wasn’t expecting that.”
“I told you I’m good at it.”
“Where’s your bedroom? This couch is too small for what we’re about to do.”
Once he shuts his bedroom door to keep Molly out, he pulls you by your waist to press his bare body to yours and kisses you again so romantically it takes your breath away.
“Wow,” he whispers against your lips. “You’re so beautiful.”
“Oh my god, shut up.” You go straight back in for more kisses. But you break it— “But not literally, though. Please keep saying stuff like that.” You giggle together, slowly falling toward the bed until you’re gently laid on your back and he’s over top of you.
“Can I, like, kiss all over your body?”
“Of course,” you say. “You don’t need to ask.”
And then he does exactly what he wants. Starting at your lips, he moves to the corner of your mouth, trailing behind your ear and down your neck. The way his breath tickles your neck sends shivers down your spine and you need more, more, more.
As you lay there, simply basking in the feeling of him taking his time exploring every inch of you with the softest lips you’ve ever felt, you can’t help but be giddy. He’s tentative in some areas and eager in others. After he kisses the sensitive skin under your breast, he carefully observes your reaction. When he delicately presses his lips to your pelvis, his eyes flutter up to yours nervously.
“Soobin,” you say breathlessly. He hums against your tummy, shaky hands running up your thighs. “I need you please.”
“You need me?” You nod. “Where do you need me, mommy?” You groan, arching your back, not even knowing where to start. You need him everywhere.
“Inside me,” you say. “Please, I’ve been thinking about it for so long.”
“Have you?” He asks innocently, using his fingers to play with the folds of your pussy so casually, like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. “I should be the impatient one.” But you know why he’s taking it so slow. He’s nervous as hell right now.
Aligning his cock with your entrance, he slowly pushes himself inside you. And it's utterly exhilarating. For both of you. He falls forward, framing your face with his forearms, digging his nose into your neck.
“Fuck…” He whispers shakily. Your nails drag down his back at his inexperienced hip rolls. “Oh my god, what are you doing to me?” Despite his inevitable desperation, his thrusts are controlled. He’s trying his very best at least. But his cock is so fucking perfect, you figure he’d make you feel good no matter what he does. Although, a little part of you thinks about how good he’ll be at fucking you in a few months after a little practice. Or lots of practice.
He whispers swears, your name, and mommy…over and over again. Then he sits up, looking down at your body. Awkwardly fumbling as if he wants to say something, his mouth isn’t cooperating with his brain. He slowly comes to a stop, sliding out of you and barely touches your calf.
“Can you, uh…would you mind, um—”
"Do you wish to see me on my knees? Is that it, darling?"
“Yes, mommy…please, I’ve never—”
“You’ve never had someone on their knees for you?” You ask and he silently shakes his head. “You’ve been such a good boy for me. Of course I’ll get on my knees for you.” You oblige to his request, turning yourself around and arching your back to give him a perfect view of your ass. He groans at the simple sight of your body. He swipes his hands over the swell of your ass, squeezing here and there.
He clears his throat and asks, “What do I do?”
“Oh,” you chuckle lightly. “Just get on your knees and guide yourself in. Make sure it’s the right hole,” you say light-heartedly, trying to ease the tension a bit.
But when he’s finally inside you again, it’s heaven. And he indulges in himself a bit—thrusting faster, harder, making your ass jiggle. The lewd sounds of his cock in your wetness and his hips smacking your skin makes it all the more erotic. But it doesn’t take long before—
“I like it better the other way, I think,” he says matter-of-factly. “Is that okay?”
“Of course that’s okay, babe,” you say, flipping back over and spreading your legs. And he slides right back inside you, letting his head fall back. But your tits bouncing are simply too tempting not to look at. They’re why he prefers it this way, so why not look at them as much as he can? He retreats a bit, opening his mouth like he wants to ask you something but he’s too shy.
“What is it, baby?”
“I was just wondering if you…if you could—would you want to be on top?” His tone is genuinely sweet. “Like what position do you like?”
“Missionary’s my favorite too,” you say. “But I would, hm, I would really like to be on top for a bit.” Switching quickly, you align yourself over his cock and sink down on him so, so, so slowly, letting out a big sigh of relief. “Oh my god, Soobin. Are you fucking kidding me?” You don’t think you’ve ever felt so full before. The feeling stretches all the way to your toes. “I need to hump you like crazy for a bit,” you say with a chuckle. He nods like that’s perfectly fine with me, mommy.
And you do exactly that—bounce on his cock as fast as your body lets you, relieving that built-up tension. Over the last few months, you wanted to jump his bones every time you were in the same room and that feeling never let up, like there was a tension thermometer in your body that was constantly stuck at boiling.
But perhaps it was a bit more painful for him because an occasional rut up into you isn’t enough anymore. He holds your hips to keep you in place, fucking up into you as fast as he can. Head dropping back, he groans, your name leaving his lips.
“Mommy?” His eyebrows furrow, looking utterly pathetic. “Let’s switch back. Please.” Hiking your leg over his hips, you land roughly on your back. Gently grabbing your hands, he pins them above your head, aligns his cock at your entrance, and slides inside you, rolling his hips so deliciously. As he kisses you, he swallows your moans. Trailing down your neck, he whispers, “Please tell me I’m making you feel good, Mommy.”
Your eyes roll back in pleasure and you say, “Fuck, you’re making me feel so good.”
Slowing his thrusts, he asks, “What else would you like me to do?” Smiling up at him, you rub his thighs. Waiting for an answer, he covers your collarbone in kisses, making his way back to your ear. After nibbling gently on your earlobe, he whispers, “Tell me how to make you feel even better.” Oof. Shivers.
“Rub my clit,” you say. He sits up, fumbling with his fingers. “Use your thumb,” you giggle. “Wait.” Reaching for his hand, you let spit pool in your mouth before wrapping your lips around his thumb. Sucking on it, he looks at you like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Then he follows your instructions, rubbing your clit with his thumb while he fucks you, listening intently to every instruction, every a little to the lefts, up a little bit mores, and he never gets impatient.
Your back arches impossibly high and you say, “I’m close, babe. Don’t stop.” You rub your own nipple, but he moves your hand out of the way, wetting his thumb with his own spit before circling it for you.
Everything has been building to this moment. Staring at him in every lecture, longing for his touch. That kiss in his office was just the start of your addiction. Attending his office hours didn’t help, but you couldn’t stay away. You needed to be closer to him. To feel heat radiating off his body. To smell his spicy cologne. To watch his fingers wrap around his pen and wish they were wrapped around something else.
All of it was for this moment right here. Cumming around his cock for the first time. You can’t wait any longer. There’s a white hot burning in your belly that’s getting more furious by the second. His name leaves your mouth in a yelp before fireworks explode inside you.
Your legs shake around his waist as he fucks you through it, not changing a single thing. Overwhelmed with pleasure, you grab his wrist to stop him from rubbing your nipple to make sure it’s the most perfect orgasm you’ve ever had—not too much and not too little.
And it’s neither. Instead, it’s perfection. You knew it would be. It seems to last forever but somehow not long enough. As soon as you finish, you miss it.
Catching your breath, your vision clears up as you look up at him with a smile. He shyly asks, “How was that?”
You take a deep breath and say, “Oh my god, that was so good.” Rubbing soothing strokes up and down your thighs, you can tell he’s getting impatient. But still—he’d never pressure you in a million years.
Bending to kiss your neck again, he whispers, “Can I cum inside you?” You nod frantically.
“Please.”
“I have condoms if you want.” You think about it for a second. Really. You would love nothing more than to feel him fill you up. But it’s risky. “Mommy…” His hips slowly start moving again, encouraging a decision from you. “What are you thinking?”
“Cum inside me, please. Wanna feel all of you,” you say, rubbing his back. He smiles, pressing his lips to yours in a passionate kiss that sends your head reeling. He sits up and squeezes your thighs over and over, adoring the way your body feels in his hands. Soft and squishy and intoxicating. Licking your own thumb, you pinch and rub one of his nipples, making his mouth drop open. He didn’t even think of having his own nipples played with.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck—” he gasps. You praise him, Cum inside me, baby. You’ve been such a good boy for me. I want you to feel so good for me, okay? And he’s rutting his hips into you roughly, using your body for his own pleasure. You simply can’t get enough. You want him inside you forever and ever. “You’re…” he trails off. “You’re gonna make me cum, Mommy.”
“Go ahead. Cum for me.” Like it’s a command, his hips stutter and his cum fills you up, warm and sweet and heavenly. Swears and other inaudible words you hope are compliments spill out of his mouth. Falling forward, he digs his face into your neck once more, twitching until he comes to a stop, taking deep breaths.
You expect a warm smile to echo his warm cum filling you up but he stays put. In fact, he doesn’t move or say anything for quite some time. So much time passes that his cock has slipped out of you on its own, his cum leaking down the swell of your ass.
You finally break the silence, “Are you okay?” He nods awkwardly. “Look at me.” He shakes his head. “What’s wrong?” He still won’t budge. “Soobin, what’s going on?”
“I’m embarrassed,” he whines.
“Huh? About what?”
“Calling you mommy,” he finally sits up. “I was just caught up in the moment—I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have—”
“Honey,” you giggle, sitting up with him. “I told you I liked it.”
“You weren’t just saying that?”
“I don’t think I would’ve came that hard if I didn’t like it.”
His eyes brighten before adding, “I guess so.” It genuinely was one of the strongest orgasms you’ve ever had. Surely, he has to know that, right? But wait—
“Was it good for you?”
“Oh my god,” he’s finally relaxed a little, peppering your face with kisses. “That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had, I swear.” He stands, walking into his en-suite to get you a towel, damp with warm water. “So…” he starts awkwardly. “Should we, like, report this to the dean?”
“Is that your way of asking me to be exclusive?” He blushes as you brush some of his hair behind his ear. “Because my answer is absolutely.” You press your lips together. “Although, can we hold off for a while? Just until next semester starts?”
“Be in our own little world for a bit?” He smiles, wrapping his arms around your waist. “You’re taking a break until next semester, right? Are you working right now?”
“No,” you shake your head. “I got a bunch of scholarships to pay for school,” you say proudly.
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Because I’m the smartest person you know,” you say cheekily.
“No lectures until next semester, so I’m pretty much free.” He smiles, clearly wanting to say something more, but bites his tongue. “Can I ask you something?” You nod. “This may be moving way too fast, but do you maybe wanna spend the holidays here? With me?”
The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Both of you admit it’s too fast. But neither of you care. The fireplace roars as you decorate his Christmas tree together, wrapped presents, baked cookies, everything you could think of that ooey-gooey couples do.
And of course, nightly sex is a bonus. You simply can’t get enough of each other. And you just about lose it when you walk into the kitchen on Christmas morning. He’s standing at the counter wearing a Santa hat, flannel pajama pants, and a black tank top making your favorite tea.
“Ah, there she is! Good morning,” he says with a smile. You take a plate full of chocolate chip waffles from him. But not before he kisses you. Cupping your cheek, he pulls you into perhaps the sweetest kiss you’ve ever had. You can feel his smile on your lips.
And everything feels absolutely perfect. You think you may be dreaming, but he feels so very real at this moment. And his voice is clear as day, “Merry Christmas.”
#hp's writing 🪲#soobin smut#soobin hard thoughts#soobin hard hours#txt smut#txt hard hours#txt hard thoughts#choi soobin#chubby reader#soobin x reader#soobin ff#soobin fic#soobin fanfic#soobin x chubby reader#kpop ff#kpop fanfic#kpop fic#kpop smut
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missed me, missed me, now you gotta...
SUMMARY: minho wasn’t grumpy, nor he was jealous. but he hasn’t been the same ever since he fell in love with you.
REQUESTED! by a sweet annonie right here. pookie, your idea was lovely to write! lil grumpy minho, im melting… it’s a bit short, but I hope you like it! <3
CW: use of (crack) text messages to convey the plot, starring: han quokka as cupid + reader’s bsf, clingy minho as king of my heart, and ngl, type 1 diabetes fluff ahead. keep insulin shots close just in case! lol
WC: 1.1k
A/N: i love how i’m slowly turning into a minho blog/page lmaoo, only minho: the man, the myth, the legend!
[🪻☆🌫️☆🪻]
The same ringtone buzzed again during rehearsals. Its ding had sounded so many times already that it had started to get repetitive really quickly.
Minho frowned as he looked in the mirror, retouching his rolled sleeves just once more for what he secretly knew it had been more than twenty times. In the span of ten minutes. Maybe even less.
But Minho wasn’t ‘grumpy’.
He so wasn’t.
His day had been normal so far. He had no reason to be grumpy. Not one what-so-ever.
He had woken up in between your arms, and even if he had ‘complained’ about it, he loved being the little spoon. And also, his cats jumped on the bed and, just for once, none of them landed on his face.
There had been just one thing.
…
Well. Technically more than one.
You had rushed outside this morning. You claimed you didn’t have time to have breakfast with him, because you were late for something he didn’t really get. Because of that, you hadn’t come over to the JYP building with him. He had to drive over alone. And you hadn’t pecked him goodbye at the entrance like always.
But he. Wasn’t. Grumpy.
Not. At. All.
> sunggie: girl, did you hide his cats or smth?
< minho’s owner: lol, wdym dude?
> sunggie: he looks like he’s going to kill me.
> sunggie: And he loves me! Wtf??
“Jisung-ah.”
Han shrieked in his place in the sofa, his phone almost falling off his hands. He quickly turned it off, hoping that the grumpy dancer hadn’t seen the old or new messages.
“Who were you texting?” Minho frowned, deeper this time.
“Oh.” Jisung chuckled. “Just checking in on noona.”
“My girlfriend?” The way Minho enunciated the title felt a bit possesive. Jisung eyed at him weirdly for a second. Even he felt weird himself.
Jisung nodded sheepishly, turning his phone back on but quickly opening a random app.
“Yeah. I owed her a call back.” He shrugged, nonchalantly accepting that he had opened Subway Surfers, and started to play.
As the catchy music came from Han’s phone, Minho shook his head.
Not grumpy.
Not at all.
But the thought that you had been texting Han and didn’t text him —instead of him— did funny things in his chest.
Now, keep in mind that Minho would never describe himself as a jealous man.
He trusted you with his cats, of course he trusted you regarding your relationship. But he had barely got a hold of you all day. And Han had. By call and text. Like he was doing now.
Not grumpy.
Sure.
< minho’s owner: you dead yet?
Jisung groaned.
> sunggie: no! you made me lose my score!
> sunggie: and I don’t have any keys! ㅠㅠ
< minho’s owner: sucks to suck, lol
< minho’s owner: but what’s wrong with my future husband? did you do something?
> sunggie: he’s moody since he came in this morning.
> sunggie: you weren’t here tho. smth wrong between ya?
< minho’s owner: no…? just had to run to work early…
And then, something in Jisung’s paboracha brain connected. Probably because of how he had named your contact in his phone.
> sunggie: omg
< minho’s owner: what?
> sunggie: that corny dumbass
> sunggie: he’s so stupid
< minho’s owner: bitch what is it???
> sunggie: he’s moody bc u didn’t come in with him today!
You hesitated. Could that be it?
< minho’s owner: really? u think so?
> sunggie: bitch I know so!
> sunggie: imma go get boba for the boys, get your ass here and come w/ me
Jisung’s brain started to work at cupid’s speed.
< minho’s owner: omw. be there in 5’
“Guys, I’m gonna go get boba. Do any of you want something?”
The rest of the gang blabbered something while some kept going over the steps of the choreography and the others rested on the couch, doozing off or on their phones. Han quickly noted down everyone’s orders, not before being squinted down by Minho. He held back a shiver.
“Clingy prick…” Jisung mumbled, leaving quickly.
He walked out of the JYP building, waiving and half bowing to the staff members and other artists in the building.
< minho’s owner: just parked! ^^
Jisung entered the boba place next to the building, smiling at the cashier as he read down the orders on his note app, and stood aside, waiting for the drinks.
“Hey!” You smiled widely at him, taking off your scarf, merely leaving it hanging on your shoulders. He clapped your hand, playfully slapping your back.
“Working hard?” Jisung snickered, pointing at the bag on your other hand.
You side-eyed at him, giggling softly.
“Took some snacks before heading off.” You shrugged. “We can sneak these in, right?”
Jisung scratched the back of his neck. “We’ll… come up with something.”
You both struggled carrying the drinks, teasing each other and betting who’d make a mess first. But all giggles came to an end when the security guard stared at you.
“Name and business?” He asked in a low huff.
Your body stiffened.
“She’s my sister,” Han chimed back. You were in fact far from being his sister, but that didn’t matter when the guard seemed to nod. “She’s just helping me carry the drinks inside.”
“And the bag? What’s inside?”
You cleared your throat, smiling. “Clothes for him to change once he finishes training.” You lied.
Thank God for his imagination. And for his stupid idea of shoving your scarf and his hoodie into the bag of snacks.
“Ok. You may come in.” The guard smiled politely.
Only after the both of you had gotten into the elevator you allowed yourselves to let out a sight full of relief. You two then smirked, high-fiving.
“Thank you, bro.” You teased in a snicker.
He cackled. “You’re welcome, sis.”
You both laughed and joked until you reached the training room.
“The person you dream of is back!” Han cackled.
“Noona!” Felix grinned happily.
“Yeah, that’s me!” You cackled at Jisung’s faked frown.
You smiled and greeted everyone as you entered, leaving a certain bunny boy for last.
You sat next to him on the couch, and without missing a beat, he took your legs and layed them on his lap.
You took a sip of his drink, and he stared at you, almost with a squint.
“You’ve made me jealous of fucking Han Jisung.” He stated matter-o-factly, making you practically choke on the tapioka pearls.
You coughed. “What?”
“You texted him all evening. And me? Not even a good luck kiss this morning.”
“Aw, are you grumpy, kitten?” You grinned teasingly, speaking only towards him in a soft tone to his ear. You pecked his cheek.
He needed more of those.
Grumpy, huh?
“Yes. Very.” He mumbled, hiding his blushed and pleased grin in the crook of your neck. “Need more kisses.”
“Well, you know how it goes.” You mumbled in a snicker. He hummed at you, waiting for you to explain.
You kissed his forehead softly, his hands stroking your thighs.
“Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me.”
~Kats, who can write this in one sit, but can’t figure out how chemistry works (yes have exams, why did I choose this for myself, help)
#thanks for the request!#for my pookie<3#stray kids#stray kids scenarios#stray kids fluff#skz scenarios#stray kids x reader#minho <3#stray kids imagines#lee minho fluff#soft hours#lee minho x reader#minho x you#minho headcanons#minho fluff#minho x reader#lee minho#stray kids minho#lee know fluff#stray kids imagine#lee know#lee know headcanons#lee know x you#lee know fanfic#lee know imagines#stray kids lee minho#lee minho headcanons#lee know x reader#lee know stray kids#skz lee minho
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