#batfam quote book

[hurdy-girly]

The Batfam as quotes from my quote book part 4

(Part 1 here)

Tim: “I am the dumbest man alive and also the most academically dishonest.”

Cass: “I’m surrounded by either future murder authors or future murderers.”

Dick: “This is not a cult. We have M&M’s.”

Tim: “So which college would I be?”

Damian: “…so, Brown University has a 40% gay population-“

Jason: “My memory does not reach the required levels of punk rock for me to recall.”

Duke: “You listened to headbanging and doom on Monday nights.”

Ivy: “Are you photosynthaphobic?”

Jason: “Kill ‘em with kindness, and also a pistol for good measure”

Babs: “Eenie meenie miney moe. Just engage in a bit of digital bibliomancy.”

Steph: “Go to a psychiatrist! uwu.”

Bruce: “He asked me ‘do you want to be a cougar?’ and I said ‘don’t ask me like that.’”

Duke, in a crossover event: “You’re Kraven the Hunter? Who’s this hunter and why do you find them so interesting?”

Kraven the Hunter: “Please stop making this weird.”

Damian, paraphrasing his grandpa: "What, you don't want your soul enslaved forever? But it's all the rage with kids these days!”

[littlefankingdom]

Bruce died(?) again

Jason: Well, it's my turn.

Dick: What are you talking about?

Jason: Everytime Bruce is gone, one of you starts to act just like him, pushing everyone away, acting as only you can be right, and fighting anyone that gets in your way. Dick did it, Tim did it, even Cass kind of did it. So, this time, I will do it.

Tim: Isn't that how you act all the time?

Jason: Whoa, fuck you. You are so banned from historical drama movie nights.

[shyjusticewarrior]

Duke: Dick looks like the type of guy to wiggle his fingers and say "don't mind if I do" when he sees a box of donuts.

Dick: No actually, this is a Jason thing. He does that.

Dick: He, uh, he would have not wanted me to tell you that.

Steph: Please? Dad?

Bruce: I'm not your dad!

Steph: Well you're everybody else's dad, I thought it might work!

[p1nkshield]

Bruce being just as guilty of introducing Jason to people like he is but a small little guy.

Bruce at gala supporting youth literary comprehension programs: Have you met my son Jason? As stubborn as kids can be I managed to get him to attend.

Beneficiary: oh that’s wonderful! Does your son enjoy literature?

Bruce: oh absolutely! That’s what convinced him to even come! He has so many respectable hobbies for someone his age. Kids these days rarely find value in the classics but not Jason! Honestly he reads more, and more in depth, than I do! He’s a little mechanic too! When I first saw him he was trying to take the tires off my car with a lug wrench that was bigger than him! It was quite a sight and a rather unconventional way to meet your son but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Beneficiary, blinks as they try to process all the proud dad info: …well that’s lovely, we have some activities for the children of the donors so that none of them get too bored!

Bruce: that’s great! I’ll let him know. Jason, can you come here for a moment?

A very tall, wide, and muscular man turns around and raises an eyebrow.

What a coincidence, that dude must also be named Jason.

He walks towards them

Jason: what do you want old man?

What

Bruce: there are activities at that table if you’re bored.

Huh

Jason: thanks for the memo but I’m not exactly at coloring book age anymore remember?

Bruce: I suppose you’re right :(

[gothamite-rambler]

Bruce Wayne: I leave you alone for an hour and you spent a thousand dollars with my credit card!

Jason holds two big tote bags filled with books

Jason Todd: You left me alone... In a Barnes and Noble! This was inevitable.

Bruce Wayne: I’m honestly glad that you’re not buying weapons anymore.

[pridequest64]

Dick: Let’s talk about our failed stakeout last week

Jason: It was almost a really good mission

Tim: It was almost the Hindenburg.

[tiredofsatansbullshit]

Batfam as things my friends and I have said

Tim, at a toy store: Don't get close to me with that affectionate shit. *spots toy trucks* Look, trucks :D

--------------

Cassandra: Maybe that's why my life's so peaceful. Because I don't like men

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Tim: I'm bisexual. I don't like choosing

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Damian: They're holding hands. I hope they die

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Stephanie: If I had a penis....

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Stephanie: The other day Duke learnt about periods. He was devastated.

Duke, fake crying: Shit ain't right

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Tim: Can I just kill myself, guys? Dick: Not yet, Timmy

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Jason: I don't wanna smell it, Dick

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Jason: Stephanie, I wanna drink

Stephanie + Jason simultaneously: Drink alcohol. yeah.

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Duke: I'm doing it correctly but my answers still not coming up

Damian: Then you're not doing it correctly

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Dick, pointing at pads: How strong is your pussy?

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Jason: Am I scared or am I hard?

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Cassandra: Why did you look at me with that tone???

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Bruce: The omegaverse? That was in the spiderman movie, right?

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Stephanie: Why must we decide? Tim: The bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam or Eve

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Damian: I'm not exotic, I'm just brown

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Stephanie: Are penises heavy?

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Duke: I'm just...

Stephanie: Ken

Tim: a girl

Duke: dead.

------------

Dick: Now that we're alone let's get into the real stuff. What's your childhood trauma, babygirl?

------------

Dick: Look at those gay flags

Jason: Those are countries

[binglepringle]

Idek what this is but here you go 🤲

[ghost-bxrd]

So there's a fic in the plan👁👁

“Who says I want anything? Maybe I just want to brag about my new jacket,“ he grins, “And my new rug.“

Nightwing spits at him, and Jason laughs.

“Don’t pretend to care now, Bitchwing. At least I’m doin’ something with it instead of letting it catch dust in the basement. You should thank me, really.

“You know nothing,“ Nightwing hisses, borderline feral in the way he strains against Batman’s restrictive hold, escrimas crackling dangerously, “You know nothing you despicable little—“

“Jesus,“ Jason whistles, flipping the safety off the gun he keeps aimed at the tank chock-full of fear gas. Wearing a helmet with its own air filtration system sure comes in handy at times, “Just get yourself a new comforter off Ebay or something. Rich assholes like you surely know a guy or two who like shooting exotic animals in their free time, right?“

— sneak peek of “Our Dead Drink the Sea” 🌊🦭

[too0bsessedformyowngood]

More Batfam incorrect quotes (pt. 2)

pt. 1

pt. 3 | pt. 4 | pt. 5 | pt. 6

-

Steph: “You’re running on four hours of sleep-”

Tim: “Two”

Steph: “What?”

Tim: “It’s two hours of sleep”

Steph: “Did you not take a nap?”

Tim: “No I had a monster”

Steph: “You sad little pebble, sad little creature on the floor”

-

Duke: “You’re starting patrol I’m starting dinner. We are not the same”

-

Dick: “there’s three whole slices of pizza in the trash”

Jason: “Dick no”

Dick: “Dick yes”

Jason: “Dick no”

Dick: “Dick yes”

Jason: “Dick NO”

Dick: “Dick YES” *grab a slice of pizza*

Damian: *slaps the pizza out of his hand*

Damian: “RICHARD NO”

-

Steph: “You guys are just haters”

Duke: “no”

Cass: “fuck you”

-

Dick: “Jason that is a great way to lose a finger”

Bruce: *appearing from the void* “What’s a great way to lose a finger?”

-

Steph: "Cassandra.." *falling onto a couch very dramatically*

Cass: *Lands dramatically and matching energy on other couch to mirror Steph* "Stephanie"

-

Jason: “I can be the biggest asshole and I’m fucking proud of it”

-

Dick: “I have to preface this story by saying I was in a good comma afterwards for 17 hours”

Bruce: WHAT?!

Dick: “Alfred woke me the next day at 5pm to see if I was alive”

-

*Tim and Stephwalking past each other on campus*

Tim: “Steph!”

Steph: “Tim!”

Tim: “I got like 3 hours of sleep last night! :D”

Steph: “I got like 4 hours of sleep last night! :D”

Tim: “Ayeeee”

Steph: “Ayeeee”

*continue to walk past each other*

-

*Jason talking to the Outlaws*

Jason: “I lent out some of my books to one of my siblings and I just realized that there was a piece of paper in one that was used as a bookmark, so I took it out and this is what I saw”

*picture of a small piece of paper that says “this is your place :) satan loves you 🖤🖤” *

[incorrectcomicbookquotes]

Teaching Jason How to Drive

Dick: Okay, pop quiz; you're driving when suddenly, Bruce and Alfred walk out into the street. You would hit...?

Jason: Bruce!

Dick: ...

Jason: I mean, I could never hurt Alfred...

Dick: ... the brakes, Jason. You'd hit the brakes.

[hurdy-girly]

The Batfam as quotes from my quote book part 3

(Part 1 here)

Steph: “Mental illness isn’t only a thing that exists in fanfiction?”

Jason, sitting in Bookworm’s Arkham cell: “You’re actually here for the book club. You forgot to tell anyone. Including yourself. You never told yourself you started book club.”

Steph: “All the he/hims in one place.”

Cass: “They singing he/hymns”

Tim: “Bowl coffee. It’s normal coffee, just with more shame.”

Duke: “*sigh* I’ll go and unlock the bomb shelter, single file line everyone.”

Damian: “Just imagine you’re robbing what you think is a normal house and then you get attacked by tactical geese.”

Dick: “At this point it feels like I’m begging, which really is what I’m doing.”

Steph: “Apparently there were girl prophets too… like dang, I thought we were supposed to be oppressed.”

Tim: “At nineteen, I became a billionaire. Here’s how. Step one: wake up at four am. Step two: take an ice cold shower. Step three: my dad owns a finance company.”

Damian: “Bears do not travel to places they cannot see their gods”

Alfred: “57 years ago, I killed my husband with a tuna fish casserole. I never told the police.”

Dick: “Whenever I’m, like, really angry, and I just want to KILL SOMEONE, I, uh. I just remember that Jesus said not to kill people.”

Jason: “There's one word that has his full attention: Arson. He doesn't quite understand it, but he knows that he's interested in it.”

Bruce, in an interview after taking far too many pain meds after patrol the night before: “I listen to Taylor Swift and Ariana Big.”

Duke: “My mental illness didn’t explode, it rolled away and shattered on the floor.”

[nerdby]

"Normal is a setting on the dryer. People like us don't get normal." -Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad, 2016)

[shyjusticewarrior]

Steph: Jason, on a scale of one-to-five, you scored a three.

Jason: Yes! Yes!

Steph: This will limit your dating pool to widows, lady plumbers, and convicts.

Jason: I still consider this a victory.

Steph: Tim, your score is... yeesh! Ya know, scores don't really matter. You should just focus on being you.

Steph: Duke, on a scale of one-to-five, you scored... a twelve?

Duke: My mom was right all along, I am the world's most perfect man.

[p1nkshield]

Jason: What are you doing in my room?

Steph: Nothing, nothing just felt like standing here.

Steph, after looking around: Alright! Time for me to hit the old dusty trail. See ya!

Jason: what was that?

Dick, who is comfortably reading one of Jason’s books in the reading corner: you used to do that to me all the time! It was kinda annoying but really adorable!

Jason: …Alright! Everyone out!

Duke: aww man!

Dick: but it’s so cozy in here!

Tim: you just had to blow it by calling him cute!

Cass: :(

Damian: You truly did blow it Grayson.

[batficgirl]

Keeping up with the Wayne's

Alfred voice over: today, on keeping up with Wayen's, we will be trying to follow tim.

Tim dislikes having the TV crew follow him everywhere, especially when he want to be alone.

The episode follows the camera crew as they try to keep up with Tim, who is constantly falling asleep and then mysteriously disappearing. Tim frequently visits the coffee machine, to the point where it's concerning, until Alfred decides to stand guard at the machine to keep an eye on him.

However, that did not stop him. They are unsure where or how he’s getting the coffee, but it’s a mystery—almost as big as how he manages to move around the house so quickly. Most people attribute it to the fact that he lives there. He’s still using the hidden passages, and Bruce will have to talk to him about that.

The highlight of the episode is when Bruce and Diamine set a trap for Tim to help him finally get some sleep. They prepare a special "sleepy-time" coffee just for him, along with Alfred's homemade cookies, a hot water bottle, and a blanket.

Seemingly appearing from nowhere, Tim was sitting and drinking coffee. Before long, he was fast asleep, and just like that, Bruce appeared and swept him up into his arms and into bed.

Diamine interview: we do this at least once a week. The man just doesn't sleep, so Father made special coffee to trick him. Tim hasn't caught on yet because he tried to notice that he's falling asleep at that point.