#basically all i have consistent access to is myself and my thoughts and my journal and like

[wherewilligofromhere]

hi! im mae!

well, my name is actually macey... but i like to go by mae online. i don't really care if you call me either. i thought id make a little intro post given i recently created this blog (it is actually a copy of an older one, but i wanted a fresh start).

my bio states most of it, i am 21 years old, i live in the united states, i identify as female, those are pretty much the basics. i consider myself a bit of a hobby collector and a gullible hyperfixater. some of my main hobbies include but are not necessarily limited to:

photography (i adore film, but due to no access to a darkroom anymore, i am primarily digital)

reading (mainly fiction, romance, fantasy, although i do enjoy an article concerning my special interests or mental health)

music (i play guitar, uke, and bass, as well as write my own music and lyrics, im a subpar vocalist though)

music listener (i am very passionate about the music i listen to, if it has resonating lyrics, i will listen to it, some of my favorite artists are mcr, coldplay, billie eilish (altho i think shes been a little iffy lately), eminem, $uicideboy$, brand new, and lana del rey)

crochet (mainly clothing, bags, and plushies)

doodling (i used to want to pursue art career wise, however was very burnt out and scarred by art teachers in high school and decided i couldn't use that for grades or income)

journaling (this is my most recent hobby picked up, however I've stuck with it decently strictly for over a month now and i am adoring it)

cd collecting (this is a passive hobby for me due to costs of CDs and a general life on spotify, however i do love collecting my favorite albums)

tarot and crystals (this is another passive hobby for me. i do not consistently practice tarot nor crystal meditation, however, if given the time and inspiration i will practice them. i wish i was more consistent, but i find these two to be moderately daunting)

I am currently pursuing an ASD diagnosis and am working with a clinic and insurance on finalizing testing, if anyone has gone through this process you know just how exhausting it is. I am diagnosed with ADHD. I believe these two things to be the driving forces in why i am the way i am and if not who i am. i strongly dislike statements such as "you are not your diagnosis" or "its just in your head." i am my diagnosis. it affects all aspects of my life. invalidating or denying that is invalidating me and ignoring a majority of my life and struggles. regardless, i may update here on how that whole process is going, tips i learn along the way, or further revelations that may occur during said process.

that being said i am a huge fidget toy enthusiast and am always looking for new fidget recommendations, i adore tangles, and these little edamame poppers, but id like to have more one-handed quiet fidgets.

some of my special interests are:

mental health and some disorders, i generally love learning how our brains work, both neurotypically and neuro-divergently

currently journaling its my main special interest and i adore looking for new spreads (ik a hobby sh)

crocheting (ik another hobby)

whales and whale sharks!!

collecting things, such as yarn, books, stickers, games, candles, skincare, and makeup (ngl most of it is purely collection)

japanese culture and foooooood

the northern lights

lake superior (i have always loved her and spent a year living a 15min walk from her)

i am a university student as well as working part-time, so the amount of activity on this page may not be consistent, as i already have an ever-changing life with variability in intensity from week to week.

i finally think that is all. if any of this resonates with you, maybe consider following! id love to have you as a mutual if we are alike, and i definitely do not consider myself someone to have many friends, i certainly do not have a best friend, so i am always open to chatting with new people :)

-mae

[strawberryandhoney03]

Why I choose Writing as My Way to Grow

I choose writing as my way to grow because it’s something I knew I could always do. If you knew me, you’d know I love to yap about things I’m passionate about! Writing, for me, is basically just talking—but on paper. It’s a way to channel all the energy and enthusiasm I have into something meaningful and lasting.

One of the biggest ways writing helps me grow is by allowing me to get all my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Life can get overwhelming with so many ideas, tasks, and emotions swirling around. Writing gives me a space to organize it all, helping me focus on what needs to get done first. It’s like untangling a messy knot in my mind, and every time I write, I feel a little clearer and more grounded.

Another reason I’ve chosen writing as my path is its versatility. I can do it anywhere. Whether I’m typing away on my laptop in a coffee shop or scribbling in my journal while lounging at home, writing fits into my life seamlessly. It doesn’t require much—just some time and a place to sit with my thoughts. This flexibility makes it an accessible and consistent way for me to grow, no matter where I am.

When I’m typing, I feel productive. There’s something satisfying about the click of the keyboard and watching my ideas take shape on the screen. But when I’m journaling with pen and paper, it’s a whole different vibe. I love using cute stationery, colorful pens, and stickers to make the process fun and personal. It’s a little creative ritual that inspires me and makes writing feel even more special.

Writing isn’t just a tool for expression—it’s my way of growing, learning, and connecting with myself. It helps me process my thoughts, stay productive, and add a little creativity to my everyday life. Through writing, I’ve found a way to turn my passions into progress and my ideas into action.

Why do you choose writing, or what activity helps you grow? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Yours truly,

D

[foxxxybrownn]

Consistency in 2024

Honestly I can not believe how long it's been since I accessed this account. Out of morbid curiosity I want to re-read these past entries but I know that it would be...mainly said...but also embarrassing. I thought that those last entries would be my rock bottom. Honestly, my reality right now feels to be more accurate.

I never understood what people meant when they said that they feel alone in life, while having people in their lives that love them. But I get it know. I am so saddddd.....I feel like I have no one. Ive been having this recurrent feeling of wanting to just break down, be sad and let the ones around me know how sad I am. However, when I think about those around me I could tell there is no one. I feel that if I do, they will not know how to Handle these intense feeling that I'm feeling rn. I also just don't want to burden them with these feelings. I truly am only the person that people come to and no vice versa.

So melodramatic I know🙄 I annoy myself....all of this was to basically say that I'm going to be more active to myself with journaling and hopefully this will help with these intense feeling. I have no sense of purpose rn....im hoping to regain it.--B.Foxxy

[c00kiejar]

I've been thinking

I've thought about this for a good, long while, and I just need to get it out there somehow. I have a journal, but nobody I know can see that. I know it's very unlikely anyone I know will see this, much less talk to me about it, but I want it out there so anyone who asks can know. As mentioned in the tags, warning for suicide and depression.

For a good while now - like, 4+ years now - I've been fighting what I assume is depression. I'm not diagnosed or anything, so I don't claim it actually is depression, however it's at the very least very similar. This, combined with my (diagnosed this time) social anxiety has led to some fun experiences such as believing those I love hate me, never letting my guard down, the absolute worst days I could have mentally at work, and the topic of this post: suicidal thoughts.

I want to make this abundantly clear: I have absolutely no intent to kill or even harm myself as of writing this. I have bought a rope and tied it into a noose, I have access to my Dad's gun storage footlocker, and I have enough other ways to go out quickly and relatively painlessly that, should I really want to die, I could. However, I haven't done anything yet. Nothing even remotely close, in fact. Don't worry that I might, because I won't. I can't.

With that out of the way, let's discuss these thoughts. They appear whenever they please, and stay for variable amounts of time. There is no direct cause that I can discern aside from the obvious. They typically take the form of me just shutting down and being unable to do much of anything, and are basically what it says on the tin; I contemplate killing myself. I run through scenarios in which I go through with it, seeing the aftermath of my death, the ways people would react. I run through the outcomes and weigh their likelihood (highest being my whole family being devastated and furious with my parents for sitting idly while they knew this was happening). I even run through the unlikely ones such as nobody caring, or them never finding my body. I run through each one I can think of to some extent. Not all in one go, but I have thought of most outcomes by now. After that, I weigh whether it's truly worth it in the end. The answer is usually yes (I live in mental pain and watch everyone around me live in some level of mental or physical pain, I have no achievable goals or dreams, and I can hardly function as a human being are the top contributors), however there is consistently one thing that stops me: My own fear. All the reasons to die only barely outweigh the reasons to live to begin with (I estimate it being around 45% stay 55% die), however my fear of what comes next and what will happen after my death keep me in check no matter what.

It really is just another way that fear rules my life. I fear trying new things so I settle for the status quo. I fear letting people down so I belittle myself. I fear death so I live. It's all tied together by my own fear and anxiety, and it rules my life with an iron fist comparable to that of Stalin. I'll be free of it when the iron fist's wielder finally dies, and that wielder is myself. It's a cycle. I fear everything so I want death. Fear of death refuses to let me die. Repeat. It's kind of morbidly funny when you stop and think about it; The reason I want to die is the reason I live.

Beyond the suicidal thoughts, there are days when I wake up feeling fine, get out of bed and instantly lose any motivation to exist for the day. I only sometimes grab a bit to eat and then head straight back to bed. I either turn on my Switch and watch YouTube on there, or pull out my laptop for the same reason but with headphones. These days are far more common than the suicidal ones, and are what most of my days are like.

I'm no longer pessimistic, at least. I've embraced optimism and can look at the future brightly. That is, a future where I don't factor in myself. I never include myself because I can never be certain whether tomorrow will be the day I finally crack and kill myself. It could be today, could be tomorrow, could even be 16 years from now. All I know is that I never include myself in any future I think up because I don't know when I'll finally do it.

That's not to say that I plan on doing it, however. I fully plan on having my ways out should it ever come to that, but do not plan on ever using those ways out. I never will do it unless the senate inside my head gains a larger majority in favor of death.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't want to stay alive, but I'll also be the first to tell you that I can't bring myself to kill myself.

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling and bringing everyone down with me. I hope everyone can forget about this post and enjoy their days as if it was never there. Thank you.

[ensign-spider]

so, i'm only an expert on my own mental health. but i will say this: i've been using the Finch app for about a year now and i am definitely in a better place.

not much else has worked as far as me as far as addressing my mental health and the state of my mind outside of therapy, which i do not have access to. this is the only thing that has ever worked for me consistently.

if you're looking for something like this, an aid, i would check this out. they worked with all levels of mental health professionals to ensure a healthy exposure, and there are zero penalties for having a bad week/day/month.

basically, you take care of a Birb that you can dress up and all, but in order to do that you have to complete activities. it's not just journaling; it offers breathing exercises, happy sounds. you can create recurring daily goals to target what you want to work on, like feeling more gratitude or working on keeping clean. it also asks you how you're feeling when you open it so you can easily do mood tracking.

i've used it for almost a full year now, and i can say i am now more conscious of my mind. i can hear and listen and process my thoughts better. i have become kinder to myself. panic attacks don't hurt as much. just from one spider to the other, this is pretty cool 🤷‍♀️

[trans-axolotl]

thinking a lot today about the different ways that carceral logic shows up in the different arenas of treatment in psychiatry, and something i keep coming back to is the societal perception of eating disorders. this is absolutely a myth, but society views eating disorderes as a thing that only thin white women get. and i think that's foundational to the structure of eating disorder treatment across many levels of care, but especially at higher levels of care. this is fucked for a lot of reasons, because it makes treatment so inaccessible to people of color, trans people, fat people, disabled people, and the amount of bigotry you're going to face in almost all treatment centers is really preventing people from even accessing treatment. or like coming into treatment and being the only person of color in the entire place--that's also another barrier to treatment, and the fact that treatment is so fucking expensive and lots of treatment centers don't accept medicaid, fucking over disabled and poor people. i could go on listing reasons for a long time about how the eating disorder recovery industry is really fucked up and excludes many marginalized groups, but also what i'm thinking about is comparing ed residential treatment to psych wards. treatment is carceral in both places, but there's a big fucking difference in the way treatment is structured in ed residential treatment, even comparing ed treatment to other types of residential treatment. when they know that most of their clients are going to be white women who are more well off, there's a lot of very particular mindsets and structures set up that reflect that particular dynamic of paternalism + fragility. whereas psych wards are incarceration and function almost entirely as social control + have a lot more association with schizophrenia, psychosis, suicide + with those diagnoses come the whole racist history of how those diagnoses changed from being like. like in many ways i think eating disorders are treated now, the way schizophrenia used to be treated back when it was thought of as like, melancholia for housewives + before "protest psychosis" became the new drapetomania. this feels very relevant to any analysis of like, looking at carcerality as a whole throughout the full specturm of psychiatric institutions to understand how ed treatment really does come with a lot more privileges and different underlying assumptions if you're white in ed treatment. the fact that in my residential center there is no forced drugging, no isolation rooms, no restraint of any kind, and also some of the dynamics of the fact that i can tell a lot of employees here are getting exploited by their bosses in terms of unfair working conditions + probably wage theft. and although residential treatment still operates under carceral logic and i fully believe that many things happening here are very much violations, it feels important to understand how instituional racism is shaping these different instituions + to understand some of the reasons why ed res is so vastly different from the psych ward while still very similiar, + also really understanding how my own white privilege is affecting my experience in res.

[starrystvdy]

undergrad (physics/stem?) tips from a struggling neurodivergent

i’m finishing my degree this year so i thought i’d share some of the things i’ve painstakingly and slowly learnt over 4 years of studying physics at university. i started out by failing foundation mathematics, then all of my first year physics modules, but despite never having to go back and pass these basics (thanks covid) i’m somehow doing well in third year. so, here is my wisdom:

[disclaimer: of course, the way i study will definitely not work for everyone so only take the parts that resonate. this is not the healthiest way to study, but rather how i personally am getting through such a hardcore course with limited physical and mental energy.]

past exam papers. look for patterns and types of questions that are asked often, and focus on understanding those. if you’re lucky this could be all you need to get a great grade.

don’t worry about understanding whats going on in lectures. sitting in lectures and not knowing what the hell was going on used to stress me out to the point that i stopped going, but i found that actually, just turning up and calmly copying down the maths and notes without understanding them really helped me piece it all together later, on when studying on my own.

similarly, i find copying out the notes without trying too hard to understand them to be very helpful. it is very time consuming, but worth it when no information will sink in by just reading through the notes. even if you still don’t understand it all after writing it out, you now know what information is covered, where to find it, and you hopefully have it in a clearer, more interesting to look at format to help you later.

learn on your own terms. don’t listen to what any other people say about how you should study. you know what works for you. its always stressed here how important it is to go to lectures and tutorials, but i know that for me, a lot of the time my energy is better used by staying at home and teaching myself in a calm, comfortable, low pressure environment.

hyper-organisation. have as many planners as it takes to keep a grasp on time and schedules and deadlines. i have a bullet journal, a pre-made planner to scribble in, a planner and tables of dates and deadlines on notion, as well as sticky notes above my desk reminding me of the main things i should be working on at the moment. keep it all in front of you where you can see it, or make it easy to access. 

create a nice environment. this is possibly the most important part. make it so that sitting down to work is enjoyable, and setting up doesn’t take valuable brain power. playlists of background music ready to go, everything you need nearby and organised and easy to access.

ask for adjustments, extensions, ECs. i’m still not good at this, but it can really make all the difference. when you can’t complete something in time or the thought of doing a thing alone makes you feel like dropping out, its always worth asking if something can be done to make it easier for you. (for instance i usually skip presentations and  take the 0 but after asking, i have been allowed to make videos instead and sometimes even just make the powerpoint and write out a script.)

a consistent sleep schedule would be great, but don’t sweat if your class schedule makes it difficult. i work best at night, but lectures mean i have to wake up early in the morning. i have tried going to bed early and while that made waking up and going to classes easier, without my nighttime productivity i got way behind on everything. so instead i let my body do what it wants when it wants, which usually means sleeping less at night along with naps in the day and a lot of catch up sleep at the weekend.

caffeine can be your best friend or worst enemy. use it wisely. (i owe my second year grades to the ginger monster energy flavour)

know when to push and when to rest. sometimes you know its just executive dysfunction stopping you from getting things done, in which case gently push yourself to keep working. even if you don’t manage much, any amount of productivity is good. but on the other hand, if you keep trying and trying and its still not working, thats probably a sign you should stop. if you don’t make time for rest, your body will take it for you. 

on that note, if you really can’t focus, stop to think about whats actually wrong. sit still, relax for a moment and zone in to yourself. is it because you’re hungry? cold? understimulated? do you not have all of the materials you need right in front of you? it could be something as simple as the lighting being off, or things being in the wrong place on your desk. 

break it down. when i’m stuck, most often the problem is that i don’t clearly know what to do next. break tasks down into steps, and then break those down again until you have small tasks you can easily face. baby steps are the way to go. 

something is always better than nothing! you don’t have to put your all into everything. if you’ve got 60% to give on an assignment, thats great. even 40%, 20%. handing in something bad and unfinished is still worth it, and sometimes all you need. 

in short, just be gentle with yourself. go at your own pace and do things in the way that works for you. you’re doing your best. there will be ups and downs, but if you keep going, no matter how slowly, no matter how much it may seem like all is lost, you’ll get there eventually. 

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight: @under-the-shady-tree

Every week we are going to be interviewing a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

Well, my name is Lauren, I live in Indianapolis and groom dogs for a living. I have a very tight-knit family so I spend pretty much all my time hanging out with them and having fun being the “cool” aunt.

How long have you been writing for?

Since I learned how to write. My parents gave me a diary for my 6th birthday and from that moment on, I was writing all the time. I used to write stories about me and my friends and reading my stories during recess became a thing. I moved onto fanfiction once the internet came around and still continue to journal and write original fiction.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

A Life in the Day. I hadn’t written anything for almost two years. Life got rocky for a bit and I just couldn’t do it. I would get ideas for stuff, even The Magicians, but nothing would come of it. But that episode got whatever was blocked in my brain knocked out and it’s been non-stop since then.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Quentin. I just relate to him so much and understand how that brain could work. He comes really easy to me. Eliot also is one of my favorites, I find so much emotion and love buried under his persona and that is so much fun. Writing them together is just a joy. I also really like writing Margo and that one surprised me because I am so different from her, but like Eliot I’ve found what’s underneath all of her bravado to be so interesting to write.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

I guess season 3 since it’s the most I have written about, but I’ll write where ever the inspiration takes me.

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

Right now my time is pretty much all focused on my timeline 23 fic, We Will All Be Changed, it’s kind of a monster of a story for me so it’s got most of my attention. But I have a few things brewing. More of the mosaic lifetime, kind of examining how Quentin, Eliot and Arielle worked as parenting team and how they dealt with her death. I’m also dying to write teenage Rupert!

How long is your “to do list”?

Too long!

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

That’s hard, I always hate picking favorites. I lean more toward Destiny Is Bullshit I think because it was my first big one and it’s what really got me going into writing again. I really found Quentin and Eliot’s voices working on it and found that I actually could write Margo. The response I got from it was so positive as well and it really gave me a confidence boost that I never had before. It also inspired more than just that one story (now 8 in the series) and gave me a way to fill in the blanks for the rest of the season and for their mosaic lifetime.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

I would have to say my fic All That Remains is Love. It’s a 5+1 story dealing with death so it might be too depressing, but it’s all of my favorite things. It’s missing scenes we didn’t get to see, angst and Queliot falling in love very slowly. I also worked non stop on it once the idea hit me and it drove me a little insane until it was done. It emotionally drained me writing it so I just want to shove it at everyone and be like “LOVE THIS!!!”

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

It depends on the length of what I’m writing. For the shorter fics I usually have more of an abstract idea and a few lines of dialogue or a surprise ending in mind. I have a few playlists for certain moods. (I’m a little obsessed about having a soundtrack to everything I do in my life, not just writing) Then I just start working it out line by line.

For longer ones, it’s a much bigger process because I like to plan. I don’t even consider starting a multi-chapter fic unless I’ve worked out the beginning, middle and end and what the conflict is. I create a playlist that goes to that particular fic and that always sets a good tone for me. Then I break it down chapter by chapter and start writing. I get the bare bones out, like the dialogue and where they are. Then I add the inner thoughts and actions and emotions and just kind iron it all out.

Sometimes it changes a lot while I write, sometimes it sticks close to what I thought.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I’ve only been writing since midway through season 3 and haven’t stopped so I see myself just writing during both pretty consistently. As far as what will happen, it will only inspire more. I have a series that sticks very close to canon so I can get all my added scenes and further in-depth peek into the show. So that will only help that grow. And ideas that fit out of that bubble come along too and I just go with it.

I think it would be kind of fun to continue some of my season 4 speculation stuff right into au territory because I’m sure what I wrote won’t happen, so who knows.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

Of fics that are finished, The Mess We Made. It was hard because I realized early on that I was writing a younger Quentin and Eliot than who they were in Destiny is Bullshit. I kind of struggled with getting them to fight, because I just spent months writing them with a lifetime together under their belt and a deep understanding of each other. The Mess We Made was them a few years into that lifetime so they were still learning things about each other and experiencing things for the first time. I ended up kind of leaning into that difficulty with getting them to fight and tried to amp up the fighting to a few big blow-ups.

My timeline 23 fic is quickly becoming my most challenging though, it’s basically 3 or 4 full-length fics that sometimes crossover and then all end up mashed together. It’s pretty challenging.

Are there any themes or tropes that you particularly like to explore in your writing?

Angst, angst and more angst, lol. I am also a sucker for deep connections between people, be it romantic or otherwise, and really expose the good, the bad and the ugly about those relationships. So you know, more angst. But happy endings are my favorite too.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

I’m always inspired by all the other Magicians fanfiction writers (honestly, Magicians fanfiction is really the only fanfic I read right now)

Alice Sebold is probably my favorite writer. She has a way of writing emotion in a way that feels really real and honest to an almost uncomfortable degree. It’s almost too real. Also the authors of my youth, Ann M. Martin and Judy Blume, I wanted to write because of them.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

I am reading “Written in Blood” It’s a book looking into the death of Kathleen Peterson of Stairway fame. (I love true crime) Also, I’m actually reading The Magician King. My sister is reading the Magician’s books for the first time so I’m reading along with her so we can discuss. I also am keeping up on whatever comes up on AO3!

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Keep writing, whether it’s good or bad, just get it out and you can build on it later but it needs to be out there to fix.

Cringe time:

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

Oh man, I don’t know, I sometimes think everything I write is just a repeat of the last thing lol. Looked, people are always looking at each other and it’s hard to come up with different ways to express that.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

I wrote an American Girl fanfic. My best friend and I traveled back in time to 1774 and went on an adventure with Felicity! I still have it, in a notebook in a box in my closet. I have two boxes (not huge boxes or anything) of old diaries, journals and notebooks full of my writing. My parents didn’t want to throw that away growing up.

Rapid Fire Round:

Self-edit or Beta? Self-edit

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes? All of the above!

Smut, Fluff or Angst? angst!!

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn? Slow burn, the slower the better

Favourite season? 3

Favourite episode? A life in the day

Favourite book(The Magicians books)? The Magician King

Three favourite words? Triskaidekaphobia, Loquacious, Fuck

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

[strangespacedebris]

return of the journal prompts: discovering your path

Whether you're just getting started in your journey, wandered off and are finding your way back, feel yourself stagnating, or feel like you're exactly where you should be, sometimes it can be helpful to deepen our understanding of ourselves and our personal beliefs. There's a lot of information out there, and a lot of different people with different perspectives practicing under the umbrella term of witchcraft, and having a clear idea of your own feelings, beliefs, and limits will help align you with the information that is relevant to you, because not all of it is.

So here's a revised version of the big questions I asked myself, feel free to adjust it to suit your own individual needs, or reply with any additional questions you have personally found helpful in your own journey, as I'm always interested in new ideas or things to consider.

What are your beliefs on the Divine or higher power?

Do you believe in a universal life force? Deities? Which ones? All of them? None of them? How do you connect with them? What is their level of influence in your life and the scope of their power? What is their level of influence in your craft specifically? Some people blend their spiritual or religious beliefs with their craft and consider them one and the same, while others prefer to keep them completely separate. Others still have no belief in a higher power at all, or find it undefinable. Maybe you're somewhere in between those options, or somewhere outside of them entirely. Figure it out and write it down.

What are your beliefs on death, the afterlife, other planes and dimensions, etc.?

Do you believe in reincarnation or a plane of existence after death? What are your thoughts on ghosts, ancestors, guides, and other spirit beings? Under what conditions do these exist? How much power and influence do you believe that have? What are your feelings regarding communication with them? Any and all thoughts you have about other worlds and planes of existence beyond our observable, physical reality, the beings that reside there, and how that relates to you would go here. If your answer is I have no fucking clue or you don't think it's important to you and would rather focus on the here and now of this world, that's okay too! Write that.

What is magick to you? How does it work?

As of now, magick is outside the realm of scientifically verifiable, so there's no wrong answer here. Just because one person says this is how it works, you don't have to adopt their belief as gospel. What they're saying is this is how it works for them. So how do you see it working for you? What are the limits of magick, what can it do, what can't it do, what does it look and feel like for you? Here is an excellent quick rundown of a few different theories, if you need a jumping off point.

What do you want your craft to do for you? Why are you drawn to this path?

Are you in this to reach a deeper connection with nature or a higher power? Honoring your ancestors or culture? Seeking growth, empowerment, or a sense of control? Self-care? Harmony of the mind, body, and spirit? There is a reason you feel drawn to the path you're currently on, something you hope to gain from it. Explore those goals and expectations here.

What gives you energy? When and/or where do you feel most at peace and in tune with yourself?

Now that we've worked at examining the core of our beliefs, it's time to start whittling down at the shape your craft will take. One way of doing that is to start somewhere that you already draw power from, maybe without realizing it. What feels like home in your heart? Do you glow on perfectly sunny days or do thunderstorms make you buzz with excitement? At night do you ever look up and feel your breath catch at the sight of the moon and stars? Do you literally have to be dragged away from the beach, or could you spend all day listening and watching wind rustle through the trees? Do you feel more comfortable in cozy, familiar indoor environments or are you drawn to exploring the outdoors? Are you a night owl, an early bird, or are you at your peak somewhere in the middle of the day? What are your most ideal conditions?

What are your hobbies, skills, and passions?

Continuing from the previous question, what are some activities and fields of knowledge you enjoy or have an interest in? Whether it's cooking, crafting, math, science, technology, art, music, dance--the stuff you already love to do and learn about can be ways of raising energy and worked into your craft. If you have trouble thinking of something you're really passionate about, list some things you don't know how to do or don't know much about but have been eyeing with interest for ages, if only you just set aside the time. Whatever your heart is pulling you too.

What are things you do every day/every week/consistently?

Your practice should work for you and your life, and one way to do that is to work it in to stuff you're already doing. If you have an elaborate skin or haircare routine, this can be worked into a magickal process. Naps can be opportunities for dream work. If you eat and drink, bathe and brush your teeth, exercise--these are all things you can learn to do mindfully and make them meditative or grounding/centering experiences. These are just some basic ideas to get you started, but if there's anything else more specific that you do on a regular basis, list that here.

What are the limits of your time, space, and materials?

You might have dreams of an entire room dedicated as a magickal space, or a very specific and grand idea of how you'd like your practice to look, but be realistic here. Are you living with others and have to keep your practice secret? How much privacy do you have? Do you have room for a permanent altar? Do you even want a permanent altar? Do you have the budget and desire for specialized tools, are you working with whatever you have or can find cheaply, or do you prefer to craft your own? How much free time do you have? Of that free time, how much do you realistically see yourself dedicating to education and practice? Do you have access to forest, bodies of water, or other natural spaces? Are you living in a dorm room or other space where you can't have open flames or smoke? It's easy to get discouraged when your expectations don't match the limits of your schedule, finances, or living situation. Recognize those limits first, and then you can figure out how to work within them.

If you were to continue on this path, where do you see yourself in a year?

You can change the timeframe here to whatever works for you, though personally I wouldn't go any lower than three months / one seasonal shift. This is where you will look at your answers to all the other questions, and form goals based on them. Do you want to have a better grasp of a certain subject or type of magick? Have your own personalized set of correspondences? Where do you want to be in your practice? Do you see this being a large, sectioned part of your life, or something more casually woven in or in the background? How will you measure or track your progress? 

If you're just starting out, or at a place where you're struggling to decide where to go next, here is where you can declare a focus. Aspiring to learn all you can about everything all at once can lead to burnout or feeling overwhelmed. Narrow it down to only one or a few areas you want to work on at a time. This isn't set in stone; if you get into something and decide it's not for you, or if there's something that pulls your interest more, you can always change course later. But at the very least, give yourself a general direction to travel in, so you're not wearing yourself out running in circles all over the place without any idea of where you're going or what you're doing.

How I did this exercise is I opened up a word document on my computer, since I type faster than I write, and set a timer for 10 minutes per question to freewrite anything that popped into my head. Later, I went back and made it coherent, took time to elaborate on things where needed, and then copied that revised version by hand into my magickal journal, along with the date it was written.

It's easy to think that you might already know these things about yourself, and maybe you do, but I deeply recommend getting it down in words somehow rather than holding it in your head, because in writing you might notice places where your ideas contradict each other, or pick out things that don't really resonate with you but you were just carrying around because you heard it somewhere else. If you don't feel it as true in your heart, scrap that shit, it's not serving you.

Also keep in mind, your answers to these questions might change with time and experience, and that's okay! It can be a good practice to come back to them periodically, once a year, every six months, whenever you feel a block or shift, etc. to reconsider your stance or realign yourself when you feel you've gotten off track. Don't be so determined to get it "right" the first time that you stagnate on views you no longer truly believe but go through the motions for.

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

[dansamdavid]

Back in 2016 I notice that I suck at planning. Even this post was delayed for two weeks because I still suck at planning. So I bought a planner. It worked for a short while but I noticed that I was not really using it as much because it did not work for me.

I eventually stumbled upon the Bullet Journal. It’s a system more than it is a product. You don’t have to buy anything online to make this work for you. The creator of the Bullet Journal, Ryder Carroll, described it as

“The Analog Method for the Digital Age”

It is an analog system tracks the past, organizes the present, and plan for the future. 

I will be showing you how I use my Journal. The best part about the system is that you can modify it to fit your need. Keep track of your medication, your financial plans, your school requirements, even your shopping list. I personally use it to keep track of School. This Journal has saved my butt on National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo).

The things you’ll need are:

Notebook of your choice

A pen 

That’s the bare basics to start your Bullet Journal. This is a video tutorial from the creator himself. I recommend watching this very short video before proceeding.

Mark the first spread as the index. 

Add the future log and mark down its pages in the index.

Add the monthly log and add it to your Index.

Add the daily logs and add it to your Index.

Repeat the step 2-4 after every month.

Add any notes and log it down in the Index.

The video goes more in-depth on how each log works.

Index

I follow the same design of Ryder’s Index. if there is a page I need quick access to I add the sticky note strip.

Future Log 

My future logs consist of a spread with a calendar on the first page followed by month-long events and special events. As you can see its pretty bare but it will fill up as 2019 comes in. I keep track of music, games, and book releases.

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

Monthly Log 2019

At the end I added the tasks and goals I want to finish before 2020.

Yearly Goals

Future Log from 2017

Monthly Log 2016

Monthly Log 2016

Future Log from 2018

Future Log 2018

Future Log 2018

Future Log 2018

Monthly Log

By the time I was writing this It’s still 2018 so no 2019 monthly log yet. I will be following the same format as last years. Plans for the day are written on the first page and the second page reflects plans for the month.

It will look sort of like this

This is a monthly log from 2018

2018 Monthly Log

2018 Monthly Log

2018 Monthly Log

Daily Log

Again, 2019 has not started for me so for the daily logs I will follow the same format as last year but in a more simplistic design. 

Daily Logs 2017

Daily Logs 2017

The 2019 I would make would probable look like this:

2018 Daily Log

Collections

Collections are modifications I added into my Bullet Journal to fully accommodate my needs as a writer, reader and doodler. 

To Be Read (TBR) List

I love to read lots of books. And I have a lot of books on my shelf and they deserved to be read rather than just collecting dust. I write down the books I want to finish that year and I cross it out when I’m done. 2018 was not a good reading year for me.

For the 2018 design, You write down the books you own and want to read on the shelves and the books that you want to buy on the next page. Books not yet released are written on the thought bubble.

2019

2018

Don’t Break the Chain Habit Developer

I use this to keep myself drawing and writing. This is very effective you want everything looking aesthetically pleasing. You write down a task that you would want to do everyday. After you do the task, you color in the box that correspond to that day. If you miss a task, you’re going top have a hole in your chain.

Don’t Break the Chain

The Movie/TV Show Tracker

I tried at some point to watch more films but that plan crashed and burn as soon as I thought of it. I was able to watch a few this past two years but I’m just not a movie person. It is still a good mod for anyone who loves their movies.

It works by writing the movie title on the popcorn and then you shade it or cross it out after you watch the film. For upcoming movies you log them down the next picture movie poster frame.

The Movie Tracker 2017-2018

Music Cover Task Manager

I used to make song covers using Vocaloid and Utau on Youtube and Soundcloud. Vocaloid and Utau are singing sythesizer softwares. I use it so I don’t have sing.

To keep track of all the production materials I use this checklist. I get the Instrumentals, then I tune the UST or the VSQX which is like a midi file. Tuning includes inputting the lyrics and making sure the phonemes are correct. Japanese has the easiest phoneme library to work with so I cover more Japanese songs than English which is a bit more complicated in terms of phoneme usage. Then I mix the vocals and the Instrumentals. Then I make the video and edit. If I upload it to YouTube I still have to add the subtitles. This method has helped me not lose track of this long process. 

Life saving Task Manager

Notes and List

I make a lot of notes and list on my Bullet Journal. It was  life saver when I have ideas or researches that I would need later. It all works so long as you log everything you do in the Index so you would have no trouble looking for it later.

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More Modifications

There are so much people online who are using this system for its flexibility. You can check out YouTube for Bullet Journal tours and tutorials. Pinterest, and going to Bullet Journal Website for more information and tips about the Bullet Journal

I hope I was able to help you in your 2019 journey. If you think I missed something or if you have any questions you can message me and I would love to talk about it. The bullet Journal works at its best when you yourself are adamnt in reaching your goals. Here is to our more productive 2019.

Plan 2019 With Me: How to Bullet Journal Back in 2016 I notice that I suck at planning. Even this post was delayed for two weeks because I still suck at planning.

[glitterarygetsit]

Hi! I hope you are doing well. I have been following you a long time and I remember you saying awhile ago that you have seasonal depression. I have depression in general but I definitely feel the change of seasons especially when the days are shorter. Do you have any tips for getting through the winter and dealing with seasonal symptoms? I am taking vitamin D but I don't really notice a difference. I have thought of trying one of those therapy lights but am skeptical. Thanks for your time!

Hi! There are definitely things I do, but it’s a constant maintenance process, so I do have a tendency to sulk and not follow my own advice. I’m fortunate that my housemate/best friend/platonic life partner gets on my case when I start doing that, though, so if you have someone you trust to check in with you it really helps. (Some of the things, like meditation and journalling, might be something you can coordinate with a friend to check in with each other about). I’ve ended up with a bundle of tools which I use to varying degrees, and winter is still rubbish, but it feels a lot more survivable than it used to. 

Here are my tips, in order of cost:

1. Have a regular bedtime at a sensible time. Mine is 22:30, although I don’t stick to it perfectly. A really good routine is turning off all screens at 10, getting ready for bed, and reading in bed until no later than 11. I often end up watching TV until 10:30 and then going straight to bed, but I think that’s better than working or messing about online. I think that dark, short days messing with your internal clock is a big part of seasonal depression, so imposing some structure helps.

2. Start and maintain a gratitude or positivity journal. All you need to do every day is make a quick note of things that were positive. (“I went for coffee with Hannah” “My new trousers are super comfy” “I saw a cute bird!”) It takes about five minutes and it really cuts through the bland “everything is awful” mindset that depression tricks you into. Some days it’s harder than others, but I try to write at least three things every day. I currently have this one, but I’ll probably just get a generic mini notebook when I run out of pages. 

3. Practice mindfulness meditation. I started this for anxiety, but if you consistently practice (that’s really important) meditating gives you a lot more control over any kind of overwhelming feeling or emotion. Again, this is something I am bad at doing myself, but if you can manage to set aside ten minutes three times a week or so, it makes it a lot easier to say “okay, time to move on and think about something else” when you’re really low. I started off using the free trial of the Headspace app (which is a good introduction, but I don’t like the guy’s voice and the subscription is SUPER expensive) and now use the Buddhify app (one-off purchase of about $5). I’ve also heard that Insight Timer (free) is good.

4. Using a daylight lamp consistently is helpful, but it can be a pain in the butt if you don’t already have a morning routine which involves sitting in a specific place (e.g. for breakfast or work) where you can set up the lamp. You have to commit to using it daily, for a decent chunk of time (for me 40 minutes was best). I’m not using mine (FYI: this reasonably inexpensive one) at the moment because I’m responding well to my current medication. If I weren’t so lazy and used the damn thing, I’d probably feel even better. It’s hard to tell the difference from day to day when you’re starting out, but after I’d been using mine regularly I could REALLY tell when I hadn’t used it, so I’ll probably go back to using it for a while when it gets really dark.

4a. Daylight bulbs are a related option which mainly help with motivation and energy levels. I put daylight bulbs in my ceiling light year-round, which makes it feel like it’s brighter outsideand tricks me into thinking the days are a bit longer in winter. Make sure you’ve also got regular bulbs in side lamps in the evening, though, or you won’t feel able to get to sleep.

4b. I have never regretted buying my dawn simulator alarm clock, which I got after two years of wanting one but refusing to spend the money. If you have to get out of bed at a set time every morning they’re fantastic–they’re more a “functioning adult” tool than a mood one, in my experience. But I went from having to use half my day’s spoons to pry myself out of bed whilst wailing to just being a regular grump who hit the snooze button once or twice. I kind of wish I’d shelled out for a slightly fancier one so I could use my own music as a wake-up tone, but it’s fine.

5. Medication and supplements can really help. I know that especially for US peeps this can be a ridiculously expensive proposition, but if your objections are based on the idea that medication will make you numb or dull your creative edge or amounts to some kind of failure, and you haven’t tried antidepressants before, please try to put them aside. [EDIT: For the most part, this attitude is perpetuated by people who have never experienced ongoing mental health issues. A friend pointed out to me that some people DO have bad experiences with antidepressants, and in fairness, my own first experience with citalopram made me feel pretty numb! Those are real experiences. But popular culture seems to run with the “pills turn you into a zombie” narrative when other medications have been hugely helpful to me. I’m really glad I didn’t write off medication as a whole based on that first antidepressant. Based on my own experience, I’d say it’s worth experimenting a little if you have a supportive doctor.]

If you cannot access prescribed medication, or the idea of “chemicals” is too intimidating, consider taking St John’s Wort (I am not a doctor, please do your own research! It did, however, work well for me). It’s a herbal remedy which is the first port of call for patients with depression here in Germany, and it has very few side effects (basically: you absolutely MUST NOT take it alongside other SSRIs, it interferes with hormonal birth control, and can make you more prone to sunburn. Always let a doctor know if they prescribe you medications on top of anything you’re already taking).

I took about 1350mg of the over-the-counter stuff for about five years and while it wasn’t a silver bullet, it REALLY took the edge off of my depression when the health service was failing to give me the support I needed. Here is a Cochrane review of 29 studies of St John’s Wort’s effectiveness. Lack of regulation is a bit of a problem in terms of not knowing the strength of what you’re taking, which is why I ended up taking three of the Boots One-a-Day extra strength tablets daily before it made much of a difference. When I got to Germany, my GP here prescribed me 900mg which was just as effective. But as I said, there are barely any side-effects and you’d have to be taking a lot more than that to overdose.

I also find vitamin D helpful, and while I’m taking vitamin B12 because I think I just have low levels of it it does boost energy levels a lot.

6. I’m aware that this one is very privilege-dependent, but if you can–take a holiday somewhere warmer and sunnier. It might be worth bearing this in mind when planning your annual holidays, if your days off/finances are limited. Don’t feel like you need to hold the trip to “awesome holiday” standards–it’s just about getting some sun on your face. Last year my partner and I picked a location based entirely on the weather report and prices not being insane (we had a holiday booked which was cancelled because the airline went under and had to rebook with three days notice) and had a super chill time in Valencia.

Okay, that got super long–I hope it was helpful! Good luck dealing with winter. I’ve had years where I really wondered how I was going to cope with the misery year on year for the rest of my life, but as my coping tools have fallen into place, it’s become easier and easier.

[puertoricoypunto]

I said I was going to post more original content on here...

I want to use my Tumblr as a space to get daily or weekly thoughts out. I’m also always down to engage with whomever is interested in the topics I think and care about (please pardon delays in my response - I get moody sometimes when it comes to social interactions; it’s definitely a habit I’m consistently working to break). I still have a lot to learn in life, so please, no one shy away from challenging me, adding to my posts or just plain co-signing whenever I hit the nail on the head.

Today I’m going to post a somewhat outdated piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago when the New England Journal of Medicine published their study confirming that the death toll in Puerto Rico after hurricane Maria was in the thousands (yes, thousands… plural). That week, U.S. media decided it was of upmost importance to raise the voices of other Gringos who just had to give their hot takes on this study. Out of all the U.S.-American written his-pandering out there, there was one opinion piece – published as an “analysis” in the Washington Post – that particularly rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to write down all of my thoughts on it as I read it as a way to liberate all that rage.

On that note, I decided to write a little bit more in this first “vent piece” before publishing the other, better written one.

First off, Gringos, I have an important question for y’all concerning those times when y’all decide you just have to proselytize about y’all’s thoughts on your country’s colonization of mine: Why do y’all always have to give some righteous advocacy for Puerto Rican statehood in the end of y’all’s thought pieces while offering absolutely zero analysis about what Puerto Rican statehood would actually look like?

Honestly, I just really need y’all to analyze what y’all are lobbying for. I mean, please, before acting like advocating for Puerto Rican statehood is the most radical thing you can do, answer yourself this: what has statehood done for the thousands of minorities living in the United States, facing deportation, school to prison pipelines, police brutality, segregation and lack of access to basic public services and protection of human rights? What does having a representative in Congress actually do for the most vulnerable communities in the United States nation? Do y’all really think that the needs of the black and brown citizens in Puerto Rico – most of whom don’t know English – will be taken seriously by all (or at least by most) of the representatives in Congress? Do y’all really think our culture, our economy, and our geopolitical needs will be placed on the same level as the United States’ desire to maintain economic supremacy and world hegemony?

And honestly, I’m opening up this question for everyone. I’ve seen the way topics are discussed in Congress. Issues like immigration, police brutality, and education reform are discussed as if real individuals weren’t living behind all of those policies. How will a group of men and women, most of whom have never stepped foot in Puerto Rico, genuinely and effectively address the deep self-hatred and the problematic colonial legacies that have left our country riddled with poverty and corruption?

The way I see it, Puerto Rico needs a government for Puerto Ricans. It needs community leaders who understand the most basic needs of their communities. It needs the autonomy to act on that specific culture and geography in order to implement the policies that will ensure a better distribution of wealth and access to public services across the whole island. And it needs politicians who don’t see the United States and US-Americans as tickets to get-rich-quick. We can’t keep living under a government that sees its interests aligned more with the empire than the colony. We can’t keep living under a government that looks positively at the idea of selling the whole island to white, rich Gringos who have no attachment to this land and no desire to make a Puerto Rico for anyone other than themselves and their private and economic interests.

I don’t really have much else to say about this topic, so for now I’ll end it here, but please read the post I mentioned publishing soon and engage with any of these questions if you so desire!

Disclaimer: Apologies if I sometimes write too much using academic language. It’s the writing style I most dominate, especially in English, but it’s something I’ll be working hard to end. I want to make sure everything I write is as accessible as possible. Hopefully my Spanish posts will be easier and clearer to read. Tengo un arroz con pollo en la cabeza, so if ever I don’t make sense, I’m happy to explain myself more because it’s probably me being too wordy in my rants.

Thanks to everyone who makes it through this first post! I’ll keep this up and make clearer and more purposeful posts as life goes on. I’m just trying to first get in the habit of writing more first.

[atomicsuperhero]

Walking as Writing

I’ve largely quit writing personal pieces. 

It’s not for lack of desire. I have been struggling the last year to get much personal writing done. It's not because my work writing volume is too high this year. I can’t give a specific word count right now because while I started the year tracking it, I haven’t kept it up. I know I’m writing less because I let one client go in February, and I have cut back the number of assignments I do per week for my other writing client.

So, I know that I’m writing fewer words for work this year. But I also know I’m writing fewer words for myself this year. My daily journaling habit is really on the fritz right now, I’m only doing that a couple of times a week, and even then, it's just 3-4 lines. That’s sort of normal; I often drop off the daily pages wagon in the summer. 

The last time I added a new draft to my “to edit” folder was May 17. That’s exactly 2 months ago, to the day (at the time of writing). The last time I published a post on my blog was May 24. In a typical year, my “to edit” folder tends to be consistently populated with 10-15 different draft articles in various states of neglect. 

Now, this is still not a “normal” year by any means. I don’t think we’ll be returning to what we previously knew as normal anytime soon. I’m mostly okay with that, except change is uncomfortable, and I don’t love the part where I have to live in limbo for a long time, unsure of everything. 

However, the point of this piece is to talk about something else that I’m also not doing anymore besides writing. 

What Else Have I Quit Doing?

I’m not going for walks anymore. 

I used to walk my dog every single day. I’m currently lucky enough to live in a location with 4 small lakes, or sloughs if you’re local, to walk around. They’re not amazing lakes, and you wouldn’t want to swim in any of them, but they have beautiful trails around them, lots of trees and bushes, and so many birds. 

I used to walk on those paths every day. In the last couple years, I’ve stopped going for walks in these areas. I have myriad excuses: 

My mum stopped going on daily walks because she reached 365 days of hitting her steps goal and had plantar fasciitis, so she had to stop. 

My sister’s dog is reactive on leash, so when we walk the dogs together, we avoid places with narrow paths where we might meet other dogs. 

I’ve been working to detach my self-worth from my fitness level and stopped trying to force myself to meet step goals.

I’m tired a lot.

Winter is cold, and Radar hates wearing winter clothes.

The forest fire smoke is terrible (this week, anyway).

Radar has sprained her foot once or twice this year, necessitating a week or two of rest.

Really, only the forest fire smoke and Radar’s injury are valid excuses for not walking.

I used to go for solitary walks a lot because it's safe enough for me to do that here.

Going for walks doesn’t have to be related to my fitness at all.

Walking is generally energizing for me.  

Radar likes going for walks more than she hates winter clothes. 

I work from home. I can go for a walk any time of the day that I want. But I don’t. 

Walking as Writing

In the 2nd chapter of The Old Ways (my favourite book), Robert Macfarlane discusses the common habit that many famous writers in history have shared. That habit is walking as a crucial part of the writing process.

“I can only meditate when I am walking. When I stop, I cease to think; my mind only works with my legs.” –Jean-Jacque Rousseau

“Employ[ing] his (Wordsworth) legs as an instrument of philosophy.” –Christopher Morley

“Only those thoughts which come from walking have any value.” –Nietzsche

“Perhaps / The truth depends on a walk around a lake.” –Wallace Stevens

I identify strongly with these quotes. Indeed, I walked approximately 2.5 miles today, and this is the first time I’ve written a personal blog post in months. Most of those 2.5 miles were back and forth across a garden behind a rototiller, but it doesn’t matter. Macfarlane reports that Ludwig Wittgenstein (it's ok, I don’t know who he is either) walked back and forth for hours in the office of Bertrand Russell while studying philosophy.  

Macfarlane does catch us writers out in that same chapter, acknowledging that while going for a walk can often help our brains work through things we’re writing about, and seem to deliver ideas from the ether, that walking can also be a handy excuse, procrastination technique, or so physically demanding as to become mind-numbing instead of inspiring. Kerri Andrew’s, in a delightful piece called On the Nature Poetics of the Great Nan Shepherd, Bard of the Highlands discusses walking as Nan Shepherd’s escape from as well as catalyst for writing.

In chatting with my friend Kathleen today, the link between my lack of writing and lack of walking finally connected in my mind. It did feel like someone flipped a switch, a lightbulb moment, if you will ( just in case you’re wondering where all my usual cliches are). We also realized we’re missing out on many other things by not going for more walks: like soaking up the nature available to us, the fun of exploring, the mental health benefits of moving, etc. We both agreed we’d try to take more walks in near future.

So basically, what I’m trying to say, is that next time you feel like you have writer’s block, you should go for a walk, even if you can only pace back and forth in your living space.

It is important to keep in mind that walking isn’t accessible to everyone for myriad reasons. This is just one perspective on the writing process. There are countless brilliant writers in the world for whom walking is not an essential part of their writing practice.

[jjeanerr]

The Quiet Place Project

Written By : Admin J

I’m going to be as open as possible and just share with you my story and what is the quiet place project. This is a-part-of-life story so just skip through if you aren’t the kind of person that loves reading about another person’s life :)

Warnings: Maybe none?? This is to promote a stress-free and relax environment so I don’t think there’s any warnings unless you’re afraid to be all alone then this is not for you :D

“I need a break from all of this.” We often tell ourselves that. We constantly feel like taking a break from social media, work, studies, sometimes even people in general. I’ll take myself as an example : 

I’m not a very cheerful person, neither am I a optimistic one. On a scale of 1 to 10, my negativity vibes is approximately a hundred. I seem to see my life as the worst one of all, and not gonna lie, I still do. Plenty of people tried to help me get my shit together and get my life back on track. But... you can’t help a person who refused to be helped. 

I know it sounds crazy that I don’t want to be helped, but yes, that’s how negative I am towards life. At some point, I reached to the stage where I often had suicidal thoughts (not trying to brag, just to give you a scenario), disorders that were probably just made up in my head and my life just scares me so much that I wanted to quit everything, block everyone and live off the grid. So that’s what I did...

I switched off my phone, disabled most of my social media accounts, clean my room up by throwing everything that contained past memories ( as in photos, exam papers, marked assignments, report cards etc), I even threw away things that I thought was valuable to me (gifts, diaries, journals) because I literally took a few years to write things in those books, but I can’t them back now, they’re probably in some far away garbage factory. I was basically insane. I was mad at everyone, I know friends that are concerned about me but I didn’t bother to tell them anything that’s happening to me. I filled my youtube playlist with a bunch of sad songs (I had access to the internet through my laptop, as much as I wanted to live off the grid, I still had some important things to do with my laptop so...) and I just played them on repeat, and cry all alone in my room, during the day all the way to the middle of the night. 

I had rapid increase in dreams where I was dying, and at that time, I felt like they weren’t nightmares but signs and messages for me to take action on taking my own life. I ignored about the fact on how worried my parents were and skipped meals. I was just a total mess, but to me, I was “having a break”. That’s when my parents decided to take me out of where I live and bring me to somewhere outskirt. They brought me to literally almost all over the world, but not back to home. They had a theory, they said that I need to forget about everything (precisely) and only keep the important things with me and move on. And I was pretty fascinated by the fact on how happy I have been for the past few weeks and possibly for months/year in the future, I mean they’re theory worked, at least for me. 

While I was clearing my mind, the different places I went to helped a lot, but there were still stuffs cramping my mind. That’s when I found the quiet place project. This website consists of the thoughts room, dawn room, the quiet place etc. It is designed for people to go and empty their mind and just relax. The thoughts room is a place where you can just go and type in your status, anything that you’d like to say, and the things that you type into the “thoughts box” will fall out as if they want you to forget and move on from whatever that’s stressing you. I used the thoughts room most of the time and just basically typed in things that I hate, people that I dislike/hate to the core (we’re humans, we can hate people just like how we are free to love someone,right? don’t judge, hush), and those words would just fall out the box, as if falling out from my thoughts, which reminded me that I can choose to forget unnecessary things and irrelevant people, so I did. 

The dawn room is a place where you can send and receive anonymous messages of comfort. You can send what you intend to say to someone you love or care about when they’re feeling down, and you’ll receive anon messages from people that typed caring messages as well. At least, you know that you’re not alone in the dawn room... 

These websites really helped a lot in clearing minds and finding your inner peace, they have soft music playing in the background as well. Sometimes we really just need to take a break from life, if you really don’t have the time to go on a short vacation, the quiet place project is the kind of place you should go to. Pour your mind and unleash yourself in these rooms, take a deep breath, it’s going to be alright ! Although, I’m still working on making myself better...

check out : thequietplace project , the thoughts room , the comfort spot

[engelenaudio]

Reflection 10: Reflecting on my research

Over the last few months, I feel like I have significantly evolved as a practitioner and researcher in my field. In this final post, I want to reflect on my journey and evaluate what went well and what didn’t.

To analyse my research, I want to reference two aspects: my methods and my methodology. My methods concern the practical ways I have conducted research, whereas my methodology talks about the choices I made regarding how I conducted my research. My first analysis is that whilst conducting my research, I considered my methods much more than I did my methodologies. Right from my first blog post, I knew what methods I would use. For example, I focused heavily on collecting evidence from papers and journals that would reinforce the ideas I explored in my posts. This method can be referred to as Secondary Research, which “may provide a researcher with a basis of knowledge on what relevant information had already been compiled by other researchers in the past.” (McCrocklin, S., 2018). My other methods involved experimentation (Blog Post #2) and market research (Blog Post #3). 

The experiment was the rare occasions where I utilised Primary Research, which is where the researcher collects data by themselves. I found Primary Research to be a more difficult area of research because I myself needed to collect data and evaluate it to produce a reliable conclusion that would stand up to criticism. Although my experiment was quite simple, I wanted to ensure it was reliable. First, I ensured that the only thing affecting the dependant variable (sound quality) was the singular independent variable I had selected for the experiment (bit depth). This meant using the same high quality audio chain for each instance, for example the sound card and headphones. However, the experiment was intrinsically flawed. In my conclusion, I presented what I believed to be the results, however due to the nature of the results I could not objectively analyse them, as critical listening is always subjective. Instead, I offered the results as downloadable files so that the reader can analyse the results themselves.

In hindsight, I believe I could have improved my experiment. After reading a chapter on Qualitative Data Analysis (Walliman, N., 2018) I realised my results fit into this category. Qualitative data "is based on data expressed mostly in the form of words – descriptions, accounts, opinions, feelings, etc. – rather than in numbers.”. The chapter, amongst other things, encourages the reader to “search for evidence that might support or contradict” the results. So, to improve my experiment I could find similar experiments and reference them in tandem with my own results. Furthermore, I could have taken a more reflexive role in the research by acknowledging that the results are based on my own expertise and identity. For example, my years of critical listening experience would make me more suited to analyse sound quality than someone without this experience. This would have been a valid argument to reference when analysing my results and arguing their validity.

Fundamentally, the biggest self criticism of my research is my lack of thought towards my methodologies. Had I thought of this earlier, my research would have included more relevant and varied methods. Anne Håkansson writes in a paper that “Typically, students consider the research methods and methodologies at the end of the research process" followed by “Then, the research methods and methodologies, in general, are applied by ”bending the methods” or, even worse, inventing new methods to suit their existing working process.” (Håkansson, A., 2013). To avoid this, I researched established methodologies and concluded that mine was Exploratory Research, which “intends merely to explore the research questions and does not intend to offer final and conclusive solutions to existing problems.” (Dudovskiy, J., n.d) I believe my research fits under this category because the majority of it was to further my personal knowledge and expertise in my field. This included market research, historical context and exploring current innovations within Audio Programming. 

From this I can analyse that my role as a researcher is subjective, as all the knowledge I gained was written about through the lens of how it furthered my personal knowledge. Essentially, my blog documents my individual progression into Audio Programming and is very personal. Because of this, I chose my methods to always back up my own questions and theories, resulting in a bibliography consisting of objective research as opposed to disputed theories that could not reinforce my personal ideas. Having said this, I retained an open mind and considered all points of view from various sources, as long as they contained enough objective data to back themselves up.

Finally, I wanted to re read my entire blog and pick up on any progress I have made throughout. One noticeable difference was my attention to source validity and reliability. In more recent posts, I begin to use more up to date sources, which is important in an ever evolving industry. At the start of my blog, I was more focused on obtaining academic sources and didn’t pay attention to how out of date they were. For example, the Audio Programming Book (Boulanger, R., 2010) was a source I referenced often until I realised that there were more relevant sources available online, such as JUCE tutorial pages.

In summary, I think that this blog has elevated my research skills and provided me with valuable experience for future research projects. I have learnt that I, as a researcher, am ingrained into the research process and that my own subjective opinions influence my decisions in my methodology.

References:

McCrocklin, S., (2018) Primary Vs. Secondary Research [Online] October 4th 2018. Available from: https://www.geopoll.com/blog/primary-vs-secondary-research/#:~:text=Primary%20research%20is%20information%20gathered,usually%20where%20most%20research%20begins. [Accessed: 11th January 2021]

Walliman, N., (2018) Research Methods the basics. Chapter 10. 2nd Edition. Routledge - Abingdon, Oxon. [Accessed: 11th January 2021]

Håkansson, A., (2013) Portal of Research Methods and Methodologies for Research Projects and Degree Projects. The 2013 World Congress in Computer Science, Computer Engineering, and Applied Computing. 22nd-25th July 2013. Las Vegas USA: CSREA Press U.S.A. Available from: https://www.diva-portal.org/smash/record.jsf?pid=diva2%3A677684&dswid=9988 [Accessed: 11th January 2021]

Dudovskiy, J., (n.d.) Deductive Approach (Deductive Reasoning) [Online] n.d. Available from: https://research-methodology.net/research-methodology/research-design/exploratory-research/ [Accessed: 11th January 2021]