#basically I have no idea wtf is wrong with me and at this point idk if I ever will know lol

[fitzselfships]

My paranoia is like. Super bad lately (it's really bad today for some reason) and I haven't been checking notifications, asks, messages, etc as a result so pls just know I'm not ignoring anyone!! Just struggling with the mental illness stuff

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[slytherinshua]

WHAT IS THE DANCING TRAUMA?? I NEED TEA

omg so basically i did ballet when i was 8 until like.... idk 12 or 13? and it was all rly fine for the most part i rly liked dancing and i wanted to start doing it i begged my parents for it... i even signed up for summer intensives where we danced 5 days a week for 4 weeks like 6 hours a day (though i literally wanted to skip those sm after i signed up 😍) but then i had to move to another city so i joined a new dance class and that's when i start to realize that i was rly getting tired so fast compared to the other girls even tho i had amazing technique and good training compared to them my stamina was so shit and i was like wtf is wrong w me.... so then later i found out i was severely anemic and my iron levels were like non existent and i had to get iron infusions for like 6 months 👎👎👎 but like now i just remember all the times i was so fucking tired in ballet class and had no idea why like i wouldn't be able to breathe and it was so frustrating tbh cause my ballet teacher would always tell the other girls to come look at my amazing technique but i was struggling to keep up with the actual combos 😔 yeah i actually progressed enough to get on pointe but then i quit soon after cause of covid and later realizing i was anemic but after i quit ballet for a tiny bit i did private tap lessons and that was WAY WORSE I MUCH PREFERRED BALLET GOD DAMN 😭😭 i still have my pointe shoes hung up in my room <3 and honestly even tho i never think im gonna dance again it was such a nice experience in my life apart from the struggle lmao like i still adore ballet sm and i love being able to watch it and know how hard it is to execute those moves it makes me respect it sm more and also makes it sm funner to watch ^^^

[bullshit-bulltrue]

Hawk Talk

Okay so sorry if this is a little jumpy I'm having a so far two-day long anxiety attack anyway-

We got assigned seating in history and i got sat next to the biggest cunt wad i have ever met i fucking despise her and she's my desk partner

she was cordial and so was i but she has not fucking changed at all

And the cute boy from years ago is still cute and shy and such a sweetheart but he sits behind me ish and to the very far right

So I can't even look at him anymore without anyone noticing :(

And nyxie darling (@whennyxfallsinlove) was right, i was looking at him like a deer staring at headlights the first day because holy shit i REALLY *REALLY* liked him (still do) because he was one of the only genuine boys I met at the time and I was having a really difficult time and yk hanging out with him helped me out since things were happening in my home life that were difficult to say the least

So then the rest of class went smoothly

For math, there is no cute guys

But thats fine because I really like my teacher and he's taught ways to do math that are so much easier

Not only is he funny, but he also REALLY goes into depth of equations and helps out a lot!!

Sooo yeah

I had a mini heart attack bc after I left class I thought my phone fell outta my pocket but the pockets on my jeans are high (since the jeans are high-waisted duh) so it turns out my butt just didn't recognize the feeling since majority of my jeans don't have wider pocket space

But yeah

Anddd then I went to English class

And if you saw the recent small Hawk Talk posts of me interacting with nyxie, you'd know that there are two boys that are lowkey cute 👀

Idk they're cute by my standards but probably not everyone else's lmao

So I feel like I should call these guys smth??

So umm let's call one of them Baseball guy bc he likes baseball and I also didn't wanna ask his name but when I do, I'll probably make a nickname to refer to when I post about him

And the other we'll call D/Dee ig??

So yeah D was funny as usual

And the baseball guy talked more and lanie, him, and I were going through this box

It was a worry box and my English teacher (we'll call her Mrs. K) basically had a chest and put it at our table to write our worries on an index card and put it in there (anonymously, but some kids put their names so now we have Blackmail™️ . Probs won't need it, but it's good to have information on people)

And like she said that we could NOT under ANY circumstances go through it..

But we did 😘

So yeah that was fun because I didnt get caught

so i'm her favorite student while also being a little shit

🙃

So me and Lanie started following Cute Baseball Boy™️ to his locker because we're nosy bitches

But then I lost lanie so I sat on the floor until i was found like a 7-year-old who lost her mom at the supermarket

Aaand then we had lunch together !!

But then I found out she thought baseball guy is cute too :(

And idk how to feel about that

So I'd anything happens between them I'm gonna be kinda bummed bc I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me thinking he's cute

So im gonna have to find a way to not like him ig??

Or just keep shit to myself (with the intention of telling y'all every little detail)

Gonna je bummed if they start dating or smth but I'll be supportive nonetheless because they're both my friends and if they're happy then that's all that really matters to me

So anyway

Thus guy across from us at lunch was fucking hilarious

His friend kept putting a plate of school food someone forgot to throw away in his face and he let out the most high pitch ear piercing scream I have EVER heard lmaooo

Same bro, same

Felt that

And like I looked at him like wtf was that dude

And his eyes got SO wide

He kept frantically pointing to the girls that were sitting near him and even his friend 💀

So like that was funny

And then we got to gym !!

We didn't get to actually do anything :(

Basically what happened in PE: got gym clothes, got gym lockers (mine and lanie's are next to each other!!), and watched boys get play basketball (D was playing and he wasn't that bad)

Sooo yeah

Ik I said that I went basic white girl mode and watched the boys play

But like half the time I was just taking selfies on snap and scrolling through tumblr memes lmao

But the other half me and lanie were laughing at the boys clothes and haircuts bc they look like they rolled out of bed and asked a 5 year old to make their hair the shape of a fucking broccoli spout or whatever tf you call it

y'all it was that bad

(we also laughed abt that shit at lunch too)

Oh forgot something

While we were all going into the girl's locker room of the gym i thought lanie was right behind me but when i turned around i had to tilt my head up and look around for her head because she's way taller than me and she was at the very back of the crowd

So i went to the side and waited for her to get close to me

And she literally fucking said

L: damn girl i keep losing you, you're really speedy

Me: yeah i'm short but it means i walker faster than you, you're a fucking giant

L: well yeah to YOU. but like i'm tall enough to be your mom

And I lost it. I laughed so hard bc of the way she said it lol

Soo yeah that was the end of my school day

Hope you enjoyed <3

Oh and tagging people that wanted to hear about my day and/or have been reading my Hawk Talk posts (if you dont wanna be tagged lmk and i wont anymore, and lmk if u do wanna be tagged in the full day hawk talk posts!) : @cereal-is-a-soup100percent-true @whennyxfallsinlove @dizzeners @cau-lee-flower215 @sp1rit-realm

[lovecolibri]

Everyone saying that Buck HAS to date a death doula to come to terms with almost dying. WTF??? He could, you know, go see Frank? Or Dr. Copeland, what happen to her? Or maybe talk again to Eddie, or Maddie, or Bobby, or Hen, or literally anyone???

People are twisting themselves into pretzels on here and on Twitter in order to justify the storyline as necessary for Buck processing his death. WHY.DOES.HE.NEED.TO.DATE.SOMEONE.TO.PROCESS.DEATH? And why does that someone need to be a woman if queer Buck/Buddie is actually in the cards?I've also seen people claiming a relationship would never work because of her profession, but he's in a profession that routinely sees death. These aren't convincing me.

Really, I'd bet any amount of money that the story is 100% just Kristen loathing the idea of Buddie and wanting to put Buck with another woman. And if/when the relationship doesn't work out, the general audience will still be like, "He's only ever liked women! He's straight!" Kristen's anti-Buddie mission will have been accomplished!

I'd love more than anything to be wrong, but I just don't see how people constantly spin these storylines as, "No wait, this means Buddie canon!" I already see many people who were positive that something would happen with Buck and Eddie in the finale backtracking while others are continuing on as if it would be totally normal to have Buck professing his feelings about Eddie one episode after he was with a woman.

Honestly, I know that I sound bitter towards fans, and while I'm...frustrated by people being willfully ignorant and then hurting themselves, I don't really blame them. Kristen is the one who is 100% responsible. But she'll continue to do this, and get away with it, if fans keep making excuses for these dumb storylines instead of rightfully complaining.

He could oh IDK, talk to CHIM who has nearly died twice?! A good, solid brother bonding moment? Look, I'm just...SO opposed to the idea (that a LOT of shows do) of dating someone just to work on yourself and figure things out so you can be ready for the ACTUAL person you want to be with. That's just....using people. Like,

So I'm side-eyeing TF out of people saying Buck needs to date this woman to figure out....whatever and that Eddie needs to date some new woman because...whatever reason so that they can become "better" for each other. Something something is that love? Shouldn't it be when you're at your worst and they're at their worst something something. They don't NEED to date these new women to make them "better ready" to date each other and it's kinda gross actually but ya know, I'M the misogynist because thought L was a terrible character and a waste of time. 🙄

I've never thought anything Buddie would happen this season, then I got a little hope at Ryan just absolutely slaying 6x10 and Buck's rescue but 6x11 and then knowing what all was coming up made it pretty clear to me where this season was headed. Do I think we could still get Buddie canon? Sure! Never say never until the show is over (and even then, they could still do a movie a few years later 🤣). I'm not currently planning to stop shouting about it or let the show off the hook just because they put Buck and/or Eddie with someone sufficiently pretty enough for other people to settle for that instead, and you know Timmy would just loooove to get the accolades for pulling off something "groundbreaking" like this (which is basically him stumbling into lightning in a bottle chemistry and then dicking around for 5 years which EYE wouldn't call groundbreaking but whatever). But even he has bosses and at this point it feels a bit like he got overruled so he fucked off to work on the other show and left OG to flounder it's way to it's end. I can WANT Buddie, and think the show still has done enough work to make it plausible, and still think it makes the most narrative sense, while still being skeptical of the show going through with it. Not even just regarding mlm ships, but 911 would NOT be the first show to undermine it's own narrative set up and logical character arcs for the sake of drama or just pure stubbornness by a showrunner that doesn't like how people are interpreting "their" show. It wouldn't be the first show to end leaving fans unsatisfied with the ending either. 911 used to be something different than you usually see with a procedural with more focus on found family and working dramatic things out in a logical and human way and it is still pretty much there, just with a lot more of the good stuff happening off screen, so I would hope it would treat it's storylines, cast, characters, and audience with a little more respect, but also, it's KR soooo not getting my hopes up on that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go read some fluffy fic before I scream myself horse or figure out how to molotov KR's office from my house with my brain.

[tenrose]

Ok, so I finished first book and tbh I started as a joke but I'm probably gonna end up being addicted lmao

Now I have to keep in mind that I wanted to read this when I was like 12 but I am now 30 (what a leap in time 😬) so obviously I'm not reading with the same eyes. I know for sure that 12yo me would have been obsessed with it, I love the idea of kids turning into animals and I would have made scenarios and possibly fanfictions with shit tons of OCs (even tho back then I didn't even know the word fanfic but that had never stopped me lmao).

Now as an adult I obviously find the book jumping too quickly into action and being too condensed but keeping in mind that it is for teens, it does make sense. Now, I have to tell that all those months I have been chasing after the absolute bliss I felt reading when I was young, and overall being nostalgic of my teens (even tho it was in fact shit years djzjzj) and I found in these books what I loved about fiction back then and that we kind of lost along the way with YA literature today. Now I don't read that much YA anymore, I think the last one I read was Cruel Prince and I hated it (some might say it's not YA but to me it kind of is YA). Tbh basically since Six of Crows I never loved any YA books after, I think. And I don't even like the world YA anymore because it has been turned into like fantasy or science fiction with romance and like no that's not it just call them SFF romances books and move along with it. But also sometimes they call YA a fantasy book just because it has romance in it and honestly WTF is wrong them. Anyway I'm completely derailing from the initial topic sorry.

So as I was saying, it is for teens and adults can read teen books if they want and that's fine and let's stop trying to invent new terms for marketing purposes every two days. Also it always funny and interesting seeing librarians and booksellers having discussion where to put a certain book because it means the said book is interesting.

And ofc we shouldn't expect some things -such has heavy descriptions- from books targeted at teens. And I'm not expecting them. Yes it goes fast, yes it's short sentences with a lot of dialogues etc. Etc. But that's normal for kid fiction.

Now what I really love and that I know is gonna be the reason why I love the books despite all of this is that it has exactly what my nostalgic brain seek for: a bunch of kids teaming together to beat some evil. I'm a sucker for a family of kids/teens/adults/misfits whatever. It's just my favourite trope in the world. And I will take it over romance any day. Not that I hate romance, but I prefer having the plot over the romance and the romance being just like one of the many relationships characters experience (now you know why I'm not into YA as it has basically turned into romance with minimalist fantasy world building and then a plot nowadays). Obviously there are many counterexamples of books focused on romance that I love, the most recent being This How You Lose the Time War but if you've read it... You know the writing and the type of narrative is the reason why it is an adult romance book, bye. But other than this examples it's not what I seek when I picking a book targeted at younger audience, and it's absolutely not what I seek when reading nostalgic 90s 00s stories. Because that's not what they were about. HDM was not about romance even they have some, HP wasn't about romance either, Ewilan wasn't about romance either and so weren't pretty much all teen books we had at the time. But they did have romance at some point and that's completely different. Like I expect Animorphs to have romantic drama at some point and that's fine with me. But keeping in mind that is not for adult, it kind of make sense that friendship, family are very important topics in these books. Like it is what most teens live. Or maybe teens don't live like this anymore, idk? But for me it was I lived, and romantic relationships came afterwards (or not at all dhjdje) but basically most of us we were just discovering it at that time. However the absolute drama we had over the 'you are not my bestie anymore', complaining about our family and stuff, that was big. And being in group of friends is what most of us were looking for back then. I mean having no friends was way more worse than not having a bf or gf, at least it was for me.

So yes I love the kids friendships over the rest. And I love that the books depicts them as kids, they react and act like kids and it's great and I hope teens today still can find these kind of stories. I already got attached to these kids and they have already distinctive personalities and stories so I can't wait to see the different POVs. Can't wait to see them have big ass dramas and feud against each other and suffering because, well, I love angst. I can already see that trauma is gonna be an important part of the story and some seems to have pretty fucked up families and that's topic I love to read about too.

And tbh kids turning into animals has the same vibes for me that when I've first read HDM with people having their soul visible has animals. Idk, there is something inherently adventurous and fun with the combo kids + animals. Or maybe I just love animals, we don't know. This come from someone whose very first original story was about a dude crossing a cursed cave with his cheetah lmao.

But yes, so far I liked it, the writing was according to its audience, the story is very kids story. And I think it's gonna have a decent world building. And I can tell that characters development are going to happen hand in hand with the plot and I like it. I just however found out that some books are ghostwritten and I am a bit wary of it but I'm far from being there to worry about it now anyway. This first book was an exposition so I kinda understand why it is a bit fast. The narrative being fast, I know they are all short books. Tbh if I'm reading all of them in one go I won't even be able to tell all books apart so it won't matter that much anyway.

Watch me falling for the late 90s early 00s nostalgia trick. I mean it's funny when you think about it, because I have been allergic to all these reboots of our generations or older because I can see from trailers only how polished they are. Like I do expect some stuff to be outdated and not exactly extremely progressive happening in the books, but also I am an adult so I can totally have the necessary distance to both appreciate something and be aware of its wrong.

[rengokugutspill]

I'd found an artist reference book image of face in various degrees of profile with varying degrees of perspective (bird's eye, straight, worm's eye) & I went through & found official reference images of Rengoku to trace to make an entire pallet of his face in different perspectives. I figured going forward to better learn the shapes within his face would be to redraw each face by only reference. But of course I get really upset with myself because it's like it seems okay when you're drawing & you're like wow I am so cool & good at shapes & understanding, but then when the piece is finished you're like wow wtf is actually wrong with me this is mortifying & if I showed anyone I would die.

I know it's still training the eye to accurately recognize what I'm seeing. I don't think it's the hand creates shape it sees because after doing a bunch of traces, the shapes will start to come more natural to me & feel more familiar, it's definitely a dissonance between sight recognition to physical execution. Which is to say I keep making things slightly longer like I'd complained about in the first place.

I'd also pursued a couple free doodles, to just draw his face & body the best I can by myself or even with minimal reference for double checking, but I am still trying to be like I'm not focusing on perfection but instead focusing on what he looks like from & in my hand. & for those I don't feel that bad, I am not drawing things that make me hate myself but my faltering is coming to a point where I'm like I have no idea what to do or how I should finish this. Like one that is almost done but I have to figure out what the arm is doing. So it's like everything is there but one arm...

I'm trying to push myself more towards landscaping right now for a little bit. Mostly I want to do fantasy or dreamy landscapes. Things that would not be naturally occurring in the real world.

But I accidentally put myself in a difficult position to foster a cat... This act in itself isn't bad, but I definitely had to be like wow I have a mental illness that honest to god just be doing shit. Because I almost rented a room of my house out to someone & ultimately they'd rejected it & I'm actually so thankful because had they taken me up on the offer, I would likely be in a miserable situation.

It's like I randomly thought I was really capable of things & idk thought I was normal & could handle being around people for prolonged periods of time but realistically that's not true. & I don't know because I know when it comes to working a job, you might not be a people person for a good year but then randomly you're just like hey, dealing with customers is fine. I think a lot of things can become acquired tastes that you're really okay with, but I don't know if living with people is one for me.

& I realize part of the issue is that I'm an entertainer. It's not that I want to be an entertainer or I think I should be one, I literally just am & it's not really something I can separate myself from. So as an entertainer I am the centre of attention, & in my house, I am an overseer. This results in a burn out because although I understand I don't have to entertain, it's like I'm honestly just going to be up your ass existing & doing so will overwhelm me & tire me out. I think especially because I like a very peaceful, relaxed & carefree life of doing shit whenever I want to do it without heeding to someone else. & whether my physical illness is strictly dietary or a product of depression, I have more days where I just don't want to get out of bed or do anything at all, that to keep being called to entertain is bothering my soul. Even if that sounds gay. I would say it's killing me, but I do think more accurately is to just say it's bothering a deep core of myself, my soul. As someone who is free spirited & runs a household basically by myself, it definitely feels like stepping on my toes to keep having to reorchestrate my life around something else. Even when I can look at the situation & say nothing happened it's like wow I am so fucking tired... & then I just kind of get irritated.

I keep having to listen to a person in particular always boasting about how great of a person they are & how they are just a really nice person at heart. & I always feel like damn if you were such a good person you wouldn't be constantly starting fights with everyone you know, looking for a reason to inflict violence upon someone or making me feel like a piece of shit just to ask for something... A person who is genuinely good doesn't need to talk about how good they are or brag to others about their kindness. It makes me wonder if it's done to make others excited or if it's done as a reinforcement for the self ? It really bothers me. I think about it & for me it is difficult because I think I am a good person but there are a lot of instances where I falter. There are things where I don't want to get involved & I don't want to help people, but there are other times where the help feels very natural to me & it's not a question of should I do this but instead is more of a this is easy. I feel like a hero if I do something good, but also I don't feel any need to tell others about how great I am because I did something. I think it would physically hurt me to speak like that or behave like that.

But I also know there are a lot of kindness that get walked over & taken advantage of & I guess a truly good person doesn't hold that behavior against someone, recognizing it is human nature. But you can also be a good person without spreading yourself thin & letting yourself get taken advantage of. I just feel like if every good gesture you're doing is breeding resentment in you, you probably don't really have kindness &/ or compassion in your heart.

I recognize there are things I just can't do. Even if I want to live with people, I really don't feel as though I can. Though this is tentative, it's possible a person with a deep mutual chemistry could treat me with respect so that I didn't have to feel concerned or annoyed by them. I understand you have to want to trust someone while knowing that maybe you'll be betrayed.

Even in a family sense, you can't see me at my utmost love & grace all the time. With a mental illness, you probably only see me fire on all cylinders as a meaningful existence a few times a month. I don't really think I should be hard on myself for that though. I think it's difficult to win me over in any meaningful way.

I'm just really exhausted & nervous. It is a very ambiguous situation. I am trying to be like however I act should work out properly for everyone, I'm not doing anything malicious or disparaging. It's difficult. I think most of the time I just pretend nothing is happening.

Aside from this, if you recall my prediction for this month's mini character art was beach, but personally I was thinking more water & swimsuit related. I'd actually made predictions for every character, but since it's apparently “beach house,” nothing was correct lol

Rengoku's is so cute !! I love it so much !! I love his pants & I love his silly little crab !! Baby !!!!!

Though one thing I am a bit ambivalent about with this is I feel as though “beach house” would imagine vacation, whereas I feel like it's a cafe tie in. A lot of the characters I felt could be read as cafe workers, which made more sense than to say they were beach vacation. What I'm ambivalent about is I don't think they are wrong for doing cafe tie ins, it makes perfect sense ! But I don't think every merchandise should necessarily be a cafe tie in & my reason for saying that is when it comes to merchandising, I don't think everyone wants just a food mascot to commemorate a time an eatery had a certain menu.. Especially because these are anime characters that are appealing to anime fans. I think it's perfectly fine to do the tie ins sometimes, but I just feel like the spring event kind of irked me because although I think picnic & the items associated are fantastic & I have no problem with an associated menu, what I didn't like was all the characters having the to go boxes rather than making it look like they had cute personalized bento boxes they brought from home. Personally, to me it just felt really lazy & in turn kinda makes the merchandise at least a little bullshit to look at it & be like this is just an eatery ad.

But I don't know. I don't want to sound like a bitch. I think beach house is fine & I think beach cafe is also fine, but I think they should have just come out & said beach cafe ? Or maybe they did & It was lost in translation on my end ? Cos I know the first announcement I saw via translator said “beach” but then everything I saw after said “beach house.”

I also feel like okay, we'll get pool activities next summer lol

Either way Rengoku was very cute & we got to see suns out guns out lol so I really can't complain about anything

I forget what the merchandise was except mostly I wasn't super jazzed, which of course is okay, but I definitely want to get the sticker sets !!

I'm still wondering if we're going to have the omake set available out here ? It's just weird because they ran the merchandise for every episode, advertised the omake on the English Twitter hand in hand with the how to play the lottery psa, then turned around & reran the first four episode merchandise ? So idk what they're doing but I am waiting to hear something... ? Especially because the year of the dragon tapestry was like fifty dollars give or take but resellers are selling it for like a hundred. I don't want to have to fuck around with whatever resellers have planned for the omake lottery T^T

I'm also waiting for the comiket preorder to get posted. I'm a little bummed out that it seems like you have to buy the whole set but I'll do it. Especially because the damn set is expensive on it's own, I imagine the nightmare of buying the tapestry on resale.

But I was so hype for that announcement, I nearly died ! For a minute I couldn't breathe & then I got super hot & sweaty & then I thought I was going to throw up & then I thought I was going to cry. I think all of that is a very good reaction !! Outstanding actually ! I was so moved !! Honestly I love everything about the art & I loved seeing other autistics losing their absolute minds in the comments. A part of me was a little bit surprised it's only Rengoku & Uzui because I thought women loved Tomioka ? It's making me wonder now if these are the two MVP hashira ? I'm still curious about the status & ranking.

I also love his cape draping over him. It makes me wonder if he just posed & the cape fall where it lay or if it was a conscious decision to drape his cape over himself lol

It's funny because I was thinking about it as a photoshoot & him being told how to pose, or thinking about Rengoku surprises his significant other with glamour shots of himself for Christmas lmao but then one of the artists I follow ended up doing a little video of the exact same concept

I said to my roommate this was done on purpose for a winter event because Rengoku is going to keep his fans hot & sweaty throughout the cold season lol

Honestly I am so hype, I can't wait for his release !!! There is a lot to look forward to going forward for this year, I have a lot to cheer about & be excited for <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Though I'd seen the beach house items launched today, I'm so appalled all the Rengoku acrylic stands have started at mid to high thirties. Get fucking bent ?? I got my year of the dragon acrylic stand for like twenty. This is ridiculous.

It's funny how I chose to pull the ice cream event one via blind bag because I wasn't sold on it but in hindsight I fucking love that one. I feel like I'm slightly too passionate about the beach house one to wait six months to see if I've pulled him lol I gotta see that boy in my bedroom now >-<

It also seems two more of my packages have shipped & then I think there will be a lull until his birthday items ship, which I'm not super sure when that will be. October ?

I know people are apt to get really emotional about things they care about immensely. I wonder how often studio staff hands a Rengoku merchandise to a fan & the fan just starts crying because they love him so much & are so excited ? Lol

I wonder if they feel very sly releasing some art like “this'll really get 'em.” lol

I'm fantasizing about what other collaborative artworks & merchandise we may see incoming next.

It's odd how I had been mentioning a lack of community, but in things like this or supporting video games like Pokemon, even when you aren't directly interacting with other fans, I still think there is a sense of connection, to celebrate these small circumstances together & quietly.

I'm sure I said this before, but my life was always so stifled. All of my life. I never felt alive until I was well into my twenties. There was so much I missed through abuse, neglect & not being allowed to go outside or communicate with others. There is so much that gets stripped from you as a human being. So many innately human behaviors & feelings discarded & rejected entirely. I thought my excitement was a weird behavior, but I realize when I look long & hard at myself & my life, I wasn't happy like this before. I know feelings of happiness & excitement did exist, you can't say none of those have ever happened at all, but to feel thrill & excitement so consistently, sometimes it feels like waking up from a previous lifetime of hibernation, to feel things like joy course through you. & I know it must sound really weird because I am saying I get so excited about an acrylic stand that I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I also think people with autism feel things differently, but at the same time this is coming from someone who was so used to suffering & feeling only negative feelings or nothing at all to finally feeling something good &/ or positive.

Sometimes it feels difficult for me to express feelings of positivity because I am used to always writing about negative concepts. I catch myself trying to use the same words even though they are two completely different ideas & feelings. It's like unlearning something you've been doing for twenty years.

I think it's funny. I wonder if this is how those kpop women feel ? It's sad to think how far separated humanity has become what seems like such a large number of people would only feel comforted by a character or picture. Then it's fascinating as well to examine what it takes for a mind to create intricate & abstract feelings from nothing to place over an image or idea. For me, how the feelings grow so deeply & vast that it feels unfair to say Rengoku isn't real. He is, he is a real character who exists. His physical existence is that of pillows & figures.

I made the joke about the Google information saying Rengoku's love interest was his mom to my roommate & my roommate was so disgusted & appalled & it was killing me. They said “How can you say that about your own husband ??” They said my feelings for Rengoku are so real & palpable that they don't doubt the extent of the emotion in my marriage to recognize a human continuity where we are married & it's officially recognized. The response was shocking for me, especially in such a situation. I was only trying to make a light hearted joke. He feels real to me, but of course I just sit here & fantasize my little arcs & domestic nothings. I think I could feel his skin, smell him or feel him turn over in bed beside me at night. It's funny to say I thought it was all in my head to imagine so hard but I guess other people imagined equally ? I find myself thinking I can't wait to tell him this later or ask him about something, as if I am waiting for him to come home later. It's an odd feeling. But also one that's so comforting.

I'd sat down to make a write up to explain why I chose Rengoku. I was going to post it to Facebook so people could understand. I always feel a bit silly because I know he is a nothing character who really didn't do anything but with all the supplemental material & fun facts I've gathered about him, somehow I flesh him out enough to feel very real. To think in some situations I might know what he would say or do. It's a fun thought.

& I'd worried to choose him would accidentally be a waste of life. But then I think maybe nothing really matters ? I guess if there is one thing in life, it's that your heart & soul have autonomy & make decisions & incite fascinations. If you followed your heart wholly in your life then is the life wasted ? If you did everything you wanted exactly how you wanted ? Especially when looking at reincarnation for nirvana, to experience different types of lives & lifestyles to attain deeper knowledge for the soul & spirit. Do you feel ashamed or wrong to follow a life where the whole of your heart is an imagined marriage with an anime character ?

& I'd thought about it as well in the lens of the manufactured jpop bands, to use subtle brainwashing & conditioning techniques to prey on the wallets of meek women. Isn't it symbiotic ? & if symbiosis is two sides gaining in tandem by working together, how could it be wrong ? Because i'd considered if you're falling into a brainwashing trap to siphon funds from wallet, obviously that's bad, but in the situation where you're paying for something you want to be made & the manufacture of the item makes you consistently happy & glad to have it... How is the payment or brainwashing really that bad ? Though personally I don't think I was brainwashed outwardly necessarily because I don't think Rengoku's appearance or death were defining factors of his character that actually reeled me in, I do think there was a lot more to it than that.

It feels like a subscription service where I am paying to make my husband real. Who knows where it will be in three years ? Especially thinking about the guy who married Hatsune Miku & the evolution of AI. I would like to be able to bring my husband to family gatherings lol though maybe the best I can hope for is a tamagotchi on my phone with a 3d model capable of using AI to communicate & do gestures, which I do think is a cute idea & I think they really need to get on anime character tamagotchi AI lol

But at the same time laws of assumption has basically seen me materialize a number of items just from thought... On top of destroying my period cycles by accident... my own personal psyop anyway.

It's difficult for me to explain the situation I am in & how I feel because it's very abstract & I know how far away it is from other people's interactions with life, because I don't think anyone else was pushed so far into their own head as I was... While having a mental illness on top of it. (speaking of people friends with me on Facebook directly, not saying I'm the only person who was ever abused in the whole world lol) I think most other people maintain a tie to humanity in some way. It's like how most people lose humanity to hate & become school scooters or serial killers & the like, but I think when I lost my humanity it was in a way where I never forgot the feeling of the desire to love & be loved. So the other side of hate for me was still love. What I mean is, people can compare hate & suffering to falling into a pit or drowning in an ocean. It seems like for me I fell so far into hate & suffering, but as I continued to fall, I guess love remained. No matter how gay that is. Because what's harder than a serial killer ? Someone who didn't kill anyone & still loves. To love so deeply, empty & contemplatively without touching anything & with no reward of someone saying something to you or doing something to you. To love into a void & from that love create your own reciprocation. A warmth & comfort radiating to & from.

& really if you can't understand, I like it. It's a free feeling. A love that doesn't matter & does nothing, it binds nothing but flows continuously, like blooming flowers in the same shade. I could say something way gayer even, but I will spare you this time.

I'd like to think it doesn't make me worse but instead better.

[schlurp-schlurp]

realised a trans guy i know hates trans women & children irl and i gotta say, jesus christ, i ????? idk what i even want to say, i just want to scream at the void and check i'm not going insane

dude came out like 8/9 months ago and i've ended up being somewhat of a mentor for him regarding wtf UK laws are and answering questions about binding, packing, etc. had no clue he was so vile / slurping up misinfo on the side.

anyway i was at the pub when we found out a mutual acquaintance is transphobic (he thought the other trans man was a GNC girl and that i was a cis guy, topic never came up before) so i was started to gently guide this guy towards less extremist views and just kind of like?? explain that trans people are people?? i was exuding a pretty chill aura and tried to basically hold his metaphorical hand and be patient.

anyway, i was fully expecting the conversation to be uncomfortable, but jesus christ it got so bad so fast because the trans man i know started expressing HIS opinions on trans people and hoooo boy. hoo boy. ohooooo boy.

if he ever has a trans child he won't let them go on puberty blockers, particularly if their future hypothetical trans child is A Female because "it's important they go through puberty" and went on a rant about bones????

he completely refused to listen to me when i explained that PB's as a kid require biyearly bloods and x rays and that there's 101 ways side effects can be prevented *if there are any at all*

he went off about how you can't know you're trans until you're over 18, but specified that "females, sorry, yknow, like biological females, yknow, people like us" (brother in christ, there is no "us" rn) actually can know they're trans earlier because their biology means their brains develop faster so they can have kids early, while "male" brains don't develop properly until they're 25 or older because ?? well, there was no weird bs explanation for that, he just decided that trans women specifically have to suffer for an extra 7 years if they need to medically transition or access any kind of therapy.

i bought up that this is literally the same talking point that transphobes are using to restrict trans healthcare in the UK, referencing The Cass Review ("what's that?" - HOW HAVE YOU NOT HEARD ABOUT THIS???) and how there are suggestions to disrupt the trans healthcare of adults between 18 - 25.

i also mentioned that, yknow, i knew i was trans at 13 and came out a month later at 14. hells, i would've known i was trans earlier if i knew what the word trans was.

he claimed that he *always* knows if a woman is trans based on her looks ????? fucking what??? bro. buddy. what the hell.

i rebutted this by trying to explain that for all he knows, all our friends could be trans. he won't 'clock' trans people that pass, so of course he's only going to notice the ones that don't pass.

it's dumb as balls - i know so many stealth/somewhat stealth trans men and women. hell, just this week i found out one of my mates is also a trans man LMAO, i've known him for a year and had no fucking idea. he also had no idea that i was trans until this week. monumental spider man moment

claimed that trans women are inherently dangerous bc cis male rapists can pretend they're trans women and advocated the idea of making trans people use the wrong bathrooms until they'd had bottom surgery.

seemed to be completely confused by the concept that if trans women are made to use the men's and trans men are made to use the women's, all those hypothetical cis male rapists can pretend to be trans men to get into women's spaces. plus they could just walk in, or claim they're a janitor.

he also had no fucking clue this would be enforced when i questioned wtf the plan would be. he seemed to believe that "you just know" when someone's had bottom surgery. how????? what????? dude, if you want to root around people's pants to check their genitals, you do you, but i'm quite happy just using the cubicles regardless.

he bought up transtrenders. i had flashbacks to 2016 tumblr ngl. hnnnngh why??? why??? ??? gods.

ironically, if he was on tumblr back in the horror days, he absolutely would've been called a transtrender and gotten death threats - like me! thank u random tumblr and instagram users for telling me to kill myself as a 14 year old wearing a flowercrown who was already being bullied irl and just wanted to experiment with his fashion style.

but yh, he wears fishnets and skirts and eyeliner - he absolutely rocks them, but like, bro how are you gonna complain about trans people not conforming to strict gender norms and how every trans man that's pregnant/wears skirts/touches a colour is a dirty faker bc they didn't immediately kill themself while you're literally rocking a GNC look?? bro. BRO.

on the topic of transtrenders - he mentioned a cis woman we met at a pride event, a lady with PCOS & facial hair - he claimed that she "wasn't even trying" to pass as a woman, and that he thinks she's faking being trans.

SHE'S NOT EVEN TRANS!!!!!!!!!!! bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gah. hells, even if she was it's still fucking stupid to decide someone's gender based on whether they've got hair coming out their face ffs.

said u shouldnt medically transition until you've had trauma therapy, and explained that that's why he's having trauma therapy, bc he wants to make sure he's "all good" before the NHS "rushes him" into treatment. buddy you've got another 4 years MINIMUM before you even get seen. i'm glad he's seeking therapy for his issues, but his experience isn't a bloody monolith for all trans people.

TLDR - i can't. i can't even exist rn. this happened last week but it's just been killing me.

[storytimeswithdelilah]

How I met my boyfriend and my best friend almost called the police because she thought I was dead :)

This is my first post I hope you enjoyed my very true but so unserious story times about my silly little life <3

~

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nine months now, however we met in a very unusual way.

I had not long come out of a very disturbing relationship with someone I met in college, they were awful company and very often made me do things I did not want to do. However it was a few months after and we had only been together for a short time before I broke up with them.

I was not actively looking for a relationship at this point however I got a friend request on Snapchat from a boy. I reluctantly accepted and he began typing instantly. This low-key freaked me out being the sad little virgin I was but I waited until he was done. He basically started yapping about something I had no idea about but it sounded like I was supposed to know. I then asked him if I was the person he was supposed to add as I had no idea what he was talking about. He then realised that no, I was not the person he meant to add. He never blocked or removed me and he was just on my Snapchat for a while until he messaged me again saying he found me on instagram and that he thought I was cute. I then proceeded to tell him that was weird and that he was a stalker, I didn’t mean it I was in fact kidding. We began to talk more and more, we spoke for three months before he began to mention meeting up. He did not live near me, he lived in a city about half an hour from where I lived and I was beyond nervous. I’d never met anyone over the internet before and I was certain I’d get kidnapped.

So I began to put it off for as long as I could. Until one day I was out with some friends and he told me I wouldn’t meet him cos I was too pussy, he was joking, but I was drunk. So I challenged him, I was all like oh yeah I’ll meet you tomorrow after college. Why tf did I say that?! As soon as I sent the message I was like wtf what is wrong with me I am freaking out I don’t want to do this. But I couldn’t go back on my word.

My best friend told me I should go but to keep my phone on the whole time and message her updates and also to meet in public so I don’t die. Which was reasonable and I agreed. So on Thursday the 25th of may I got ready and made some dumb excuse that I needed to buy candles so we had to go shopping. I had no intention of buying candles because he was correct, I was a pussy and had no intention on buying anything because I was scared my card would decline for some reason and make everything awkward, I also didn’t want him to pay for anything because that was also scary to me for some reason.

So I got the train to see him and the whole time on the train I wanted to throw up, I also had an uncontrollable wedgie the whole time but that’s unimportant. I got off the train and saw him straight away and to be honest he was cute. And my dumbass said that. That was literally the first thing I said. “Oh how cute are you!” WHO TF SAYS THAT. He got all embarrassed and blushed and I was like Awh but at the same time I was like WHO TF SAYS THAT.

I decided to use my yapping skills to the full and just tell him some bullshit about my life to keep the conversation going which he didn’t seem to mind which was good. He then asked me what I wanted to do and me being weirdly scared of spending money had no idea what to do in this huge city filled with shops and restaraunts. He mentioned that I said I needed candles, so off we went into shops that I had no intention of buying anything from lmao. I’m not still like this now fyi idk why I was so weird.

We then found a spot to sit on in a park and we sat there for a while. We were talking and I remembered how he had asked me to be his girlfriend previously and I said no, I want to meet you before that.

His awkward ass straight up said “so am I your boyfriend now” and I thought that was super funny and I agreed that he in fact was my boyfriend now. I had no problem being his girlfriend I basically knew straight away that I did in fact have insane feelings for him.

However what I did in fact forget to do was update my best friend who was literally tracking my every move. My phone was on silent and I hadn’t messaged her since I got off the train.

We had a walk through the city for a bit and then we sat in the sunset and watched all the skater boys fall off their skateboards. Lmao sorry skaterboys.

I’m Ngl there were so many opportunities to kiss but he literally said he wouldn’t kiss me cause he was scared he would suck. I thought it was cute (he did kiss me on the second date tho)

It began to get cold and late it was like 9pm and he walked me back to the train station and waited with me for my train, before I got on the train he kissed me on my forehead and when I tell you THE BUTTERFLIES

I got on the train and was ready to text my best friend and give her the run down, however my phone died. I didn’t really think much of it in fact my first thought was that my now boyfriend would think I ghosted him.

I knew my mum was at my aunties which wasn’t far from the train station so I went there instead of home so I could charge my phone. When I walked through the door my mum and my best friend were there, my mum looked stressed so did my auntie and my best friend.

“What” was all I said. LMAO WHAT.

They immediately were like where tf were you we thought you died we were gonna call the police. They were all pretty stressed and I was like yeah my phone died. (Literally could not of given less of a fuck, nice one lilah) 😭

But anyways my friend forgave me we had a kebab and now me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 10 months.

And that is how I met him I hope you enjoyed there will definitely be more stories to come because I am a certified oversharer and yapper lmao.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read <3

[vtori73]

Look... I think it's weird to conflate Zionism/Zionists with Judaism/Jewish people (and actually just downright antisemitic). I mean this coming from BOTH sides, Zionists who are doing it to make excuses for what they are doing and progressive people trying to be allies to Jewish people but falling for Zionist rhetoric & not realizing it.

And, I'm not saying I don't get it because some people definitely are using Zionists as an excuse to be antisemitic but... I'm not seeing NEARLY as much within these leftist groups (& when I do these people are already bigots to begin with such as being white supremacist/neo nazis & let's also be open to ideas of bot/fake accounts being pushed by propagandists because Israel has done nothing but lie and use propaganda, they even used AI to fake a celebrity saying pro- Israel stuff, let's NOT pretend for even ONE second that this isn't a possibility). And, honestly regardless of what side you're on it's wrong to conflate the two even if you are trying to prevent bigotry because you're only further CONFLATING THE TWO! It's COMPLETELY possible to say "Don't let antisemitism influence you and how you criticize Zionists but also DONT let Zionists get away with calling everything that criticizes them and their ethnostate as antisemitism because there are PLENTY of Christian Zionists who are being criticized as well (big example being JOE FUCKING BIDEN) and Zionists WANT us all to believe that only Zionists are Jewish people and that Zionism = Judaism even though plenty of Jewish people are not Zionists and are very much against them.

I think... I just talked in a circle... oh well, lol!

Also as an example, the way Zionists use antisemitism accusations is VERY VERY similar to when white people use their x marginalized identity to excuse their bigotry. When white trans or really ANY white queer people are being anti-black they accuse Black people of being transphobic/queerphobic. When white women are called racist by brown men they turn around and call them misogynists.

And look, some might take offense with me using white people as an example because not everyone believes Jewish people can be white (which sure I wasn't entirely sure about either UNTIL it was pointed out that if Black Jewish people can exist then it's very WEIRD to claim that it's impossible for there to be white Jewish people) BUT regardless we should be able to agree that these people ARE using the same arguments/rebuttals that privileged bigoted white people use and you know the saying of how "if the shoe fits."

Not to mention how quick y'all are to make excuses for colonizers because yes, the movement was originally a response to antisemitism BUT y'all seem to conveniently leave out the part in which a lot of the founders also described their movement as "a colonization adventure." Colonialists don't need or deserve defending, antisemitism may have been why they left but they used that and CONTINUE to as an excuse to colonize Palestine and genocide Palestinians and idk about you BUT I think it's wrong to excuse colonizer genociders REGARDLESS of the reasoning. I mean.. WHY is this talking point even being used because I know for a fact it wouldn't fly with SO many people if other marginalized groups tried using it as an excuse to colonize and genocide, "oh the Zionists wouldn't be like this is is weren't for bigotry against Jewish people and you should work on you're and you're communities antisemitism if you don't want to give them excuses..." Like, WTF??? WHO THINKS THAT IN ANYWAY OKAY TO SAY OR IS A VALID EXCUSE AT ALL?????

(and... UM... is it just me or does THAT reasoning sound eerily similar to what news and media say when white boys shoot up a school "oh they were bullied, ostracized and that's why they did it" but it turns out they were actually bigots or radicalized and became bigots basically.)

.

.

.

And yes, as an addendum I am not Jewish but this is literally what I have learned from anti-zionist Jewish people and anti-zionist Jewish allies who are ALSO calling out antisemitism. This is also more so coming from my online perspective of what I've seen in comments, threads, tweets, etc and not in-person events and such so I'm willing to admit this might be different for offline events and such.

[v01d3nt1ty]

"Didn’t I tell you

you are a fish do not go to dry land

for I am the deep Sea." - rumi

(from GoOD Mornings with CurlyNikki)

oh to be able to express like rumi!

or to be spoken through. or however it works.

this hit me bc i am deeply connected to the ocean. my *happy memory* go-to is the beach, the pacific ocean, *my* ocean. my fav colors are like soft teals, pastel aquas and blues, deep ceruleans... so yeah i'm a mermaid but not like... not like the commercialized version that everyone buys into. if i die tragically, i want it to be by drowning in the ocean.

wtf was my point.

anyway it brought me into that sharp awareness of being. and it's like peace & love & comfort & oneness & vibing...

idk, it was cool.

i also really love language. i hate it, but i love it. i hate that we need it, it's so clunky and awkward. there are a lot of words to remember & what if you get them wrong or forget them or put them in the wrong order? (hello, autism. 👋) i used to write poetry, realized i sucked at it & stopped.* i've always been deeply interested in foreign language, even tho i do not have the attention span to learn any. (i took one yr of spanish and 3 of french tho, that was fun. tried to take german... studied japanese w a new-at-the-time friend who has been a friend for like 10yrs or more.) (also i really love.... intentionally arranged sound? & i love variety. so i basically just love the way languages *sound* even without the meaning. don't get me started on accents...)

but i think my deep appreciation for language comes from being neurodivergent, being frustrated at being misunderstood all the time. being afraid to speak up too much bc my thoughts didn't align w what i was taught. my instincts going exactly counter to what i was being told all the time. so i probably developed this desire to be able to correctly assemble and arrange the most appropriate words for any given situation. the right & wrong things... so much to remember.. omg so boring, so tedious.. no wonder i hate everything. er.

so. yeah. no one asked for my psychology, but there u go. i never told u to read this, it's ur own damn fault.

*so this is a memory story. there are two, actually.

the first is, when i was in 5th grade, so around 9 or 10, i wrote this poem & it got printed in The School Newspaper (!!! omg such a huge deal!) anyway, i had this memory, & vaguely remembered some of the words. then somewhere in my 20s, i found the paper & read it & i was *amazed.* it was phrased perfectly, didn't even rhyme, was pretty deep esp for a 10 yr old. i *cannot* remember exactly how it went, but if i posted it with no context, u wouldn't think it was by a little kid. idk how i *lost* how to do that. probably by trying to Be Good and follow rules.

the other is when i was in hs, probably a senior, probably 17. so i listened to a lot of 90's alternative & grunge, as one did back then. (98.5 KOME, i still remember 😂 i wonder if any of those tapes are still good?) so i wrote a poem that was probably heavily influenced by the lyrics of the time, smashing pumpkins, REM, nirvana... and i was v proud of it. idek why i thought showing it to my family was a good idea, but i did. & my grandma goes "this [part] doesn't make any sense. what does it mean?" and i'm like "it isn't supposed to mean anything..." anyway it crushed my lil soul and i had to Follow Rules again. bc how can i know how to People if i don't do things the way People do things?

oh wow that's sad. poor young me. *hugs lil me*

why do i share my trauma.

idfk. maybe so one day, even one person will feel less alone.

byeeeee

[agirldying]

hello! hope you're doing alright. just a quick vent

i do this annoying thing were i defend questionable behavior that i 95% of the time know i wouldn't partake in because there's this little voice in my head that's like "but imagine if under other circumstances you did this?"

and it's so dumb because i want to take accountability when i'm doing something bad and move on but i'm so afraid of somehow being in the criticized crowd that i defend the people in it for a sec before i cam reason with my own self and be like "yo wtf i wouldn't do that and i agree that it is wrong"

i don't like that i'm so susceptible to criticism when ideally i would want to learn humbly

also regarding similar matters: sometimes i get educated on something or prejudice that i sometimes had and sometimes haven't and when i'm encountering people who have said prejudice i get mad at them because their ideas are harmful (not attacking them i don't interact). but then i stare back at myself like hello this could have been you, you're lucky someone told you about it before you acted like it

for example for things like using words like "psychotic" to describe violent behavior etc. i genuinely get upset when people misuse it because parts of my aches at the prejudice that people with psychosis experience. but then i look back at it and i'm like "there's so many outcomes in which you could have not known that and been this person and you could have been just as awful and perpetuated stereotypes". and then i wonder "how many similar things are you being an asshole about just because someone didn't give you a cheat sheet with what's bad to assume/say/think?"

i'm honestly quite ashamed of my lack of critical thinking because i stumble upon a lot of things were i'm like "oh i didn't even know/think about this being an obvious problem" (for example individual's waste being very low when compared to the amount companies waste or idk the whole goncharov thing and tagging posts with unreality)

Hey anon,

In retrospect I made this more about me than I meant to but I hope you can understand that I'm trying to relate to you and it's a bit late atm.

Honestly I know what you mean, especially about being a contrarian even if you don't even believe what you're defending. I used to defend Ben Shapiro by saying he wasn't completely wrong. I do try to see the nuance in things in an attempt to humanize people I am made to antagonize. I like the idea of unity over polarization, but at the same time I also need to recognize when someone is just bad and not going to change, so not worth my sympathy or defense. Basically I build bridges where they've been mutually burned just because I want everyone to hold hands, so to speak.

What you said also reminded me of my boyfriend. We began to discuss politics and civil rights issues and I quickly realized that he almost has a compulsion to disagree with me, even if he actually does.

Personally I have a hard time leaving ignorant people be, because sometimes I see myself in their shoes and am like, what if I just gently handed you information instead of calling you a name and blocking you? Of course they're rarely receptive to any bubble-shattering information, but I'm stubborn.

I think it can be hard to be mindful of what's potentially offensive unless someone tells you, you know? I didn't even know what the problem was with narcissistic abuse until I came to Tumblr, I think. I guess what I would say is like, just because you may have been in that position at one point doesn't necessarily mean you have to put up with it. Like, imagine yourself spouting something ignorant and other people ignore you instead of perhaps insulting you or otherwise adding insult to injury. Wouldn't it be best for them to just move past instead?

I kind of lost my train of thought, but I hope I could help and that some of this could resonate with you. Please feel free to follow up and comment if you'd like, otherwise I'm here if you need anything.

[spleen-et-ideals]

Don't know why i'm writing this. Guess i just have to scream it into the void because i don't have anyone to actually talk to about it.

I'm sick of everything. Sick of my studies. Sick of the people around me. Sick of myself, of my existence.

I'm in such a bad place right now. I just want to end it all.

I took a bunch of pills two days ago. Just for the gesture. I mean 8 pills of 0.25mg Xanax don't really do much except making you feel a little fuzzy so it's not like i was in any actual danger.

I went to class today. For fucking once. But i hate that teacher. The exercise sheets she gives us don't come with any explanation and you have to figure out wtf she wants you to do. And then she changes the instructions once we correct it in class so you end up with something that's just shit.

Same goes with how she does translation. You have to spend 3 fucking hours - as if its our only class you know, as if we werent in uni and it wasnt finals season! - translating a text and then we correct it in class but if you did not translate it exactly how she wants you're just plain wrong and what you wrote is just shit. And it may seem like idk how to write bc english isnt my native language but i'm GOOD in my native language, i know that, i have the results to prove it.

This bitch is just without any empathy, i mean i wont judge her personnalités but her teaching skills are plain shit. It's not fucking specialized translation, you dont translate word for word, you translate an IDEA. Basically EVERY teacher says so. But no, not her. She's narrow minded af.

And i'm just so so SO tired bc i'm depressed (like, clinically, i got BPD so it's not uwu it's almost winter i'm a tiny bit sad - no, i self harm, my bf has to watch out for my medicine and i basically tried to off myself) (also the psychiatric care in here is SHIT, basically every shrink in town isnt able to welcome new patients, theres even a STRIKE going on to denounce how the system is) and so this bitch comes and tells me i cant be fidgeting or trying to contact someone for reassurance while i'm almost puking from FEAR of this class.

I just. I cant take it anymore. I lashed out at her. And just left the class. I dont give a flying fuck that my grade will be affected bc i just wanna give up on uni. It's not worth it. Also i suck at translation anyway it seems so whats the point.

[murfpersonalblog]

So...basically what we need is a do-over from scratch? XD

I think AMC & Esta in particular royally blew Mayfair Witches.

Environment: This is the ONE point I disagree with--I think they've done more than enough set dressing. The location shots are the best thing about the show IMO--it's pretty to look at. What's missing is the rich CHARACTERS and HISTORY. I wish they hadn't removed Michael, and his trade as an architect: the house was a living legend basically, for how important setting was for the Mayfairs, as they moved from Scotland to Haiti to Riverbend to the Garden District. Such a waste.

Ciprien: They ruined it when they had Rowan & Cip sleep together just because they touched hands and the empath magic was working. They had zero build up -- it went from hey creep why are you stalking me I'll kill you; to oops I almost killed you btw why do you have a picture of my mom you creep; to omg my mom was murdered right in front of me let's hold hands wow I love you but I don't ever listen to you.

The previous witches are 1000x more interesting than Rowan.

Mona: If we don't get Blackwood Farm with Mona & Quinn & Morrigan I'm gonna be upset. The whole point of the Mayfairs is their Taltos chromosome, and which witches can give birth to one or not. Without that culminating arc, adding in Mona this late will just be Tessa 2.0, like wtf Esta.

Icons: I was SHOCKED that Julien was nowhere to be found--no victrola, journals, nothing. The voodoo doll was cute, but it's not enough--that house was HAUNTED. But there's still room for it in S2, if Ciprien has a seance with Julien's ghost to learn how to use "simple tools" against Lasher. And GOD YES, I was so bummed that the attic reveal was so DULL--that's one of the best parts of the book! U_U 

Costumes: Yeah, I had no idea what anyone was wearing, especially Deirdre in that fancy dress as if tshirts & pants don't exist, & Rowan in that silly flapper outfit, meanwhile Stella's a BLIP.

Race: The Mayfairs were elitist slaveowning eugenicist mad scientist racist pigs, so I actually hope they stop acting like the Mayfairs are the UN, with all of these POC Mayfairs in positions of power, like wtf? Witches like Merrick Mayfair lived out in the swamps cuz the family kept denying Julien's byblows--black and white. Riverbend was the most GHASTLY part of the Mayfair's racist history, and I wasn't surprised that when Jojo showed off the designee portraits Marguerite's name wasn't mentioned, seeing the way they're revising/cleaning up the Mayfair history already.

Speaking of Jojo, yes, Jen Richards was a breath of fresh air, and I hope she gets WAY more to do. Maybe make Jojo the new Mona? O_O I could see it! Jojo's already the best female on the whole show, and an actually LIKEABLE Mayfair, so I say make her the designee and let's have her meet Quinn Blackwood, get married and have his kid from the book--but surprise! it's a Walking Baby, Morrigan! <3 (DO NOT have her be one of the Mayfair women Lasher assaults & kills, PLEASE NO.)

But yeah, while I hope they prove me wrong in S2, this was such a fustercluck that IDK if there's any salvaging it.

A list of things Mayfair Witches needs

A more loving approach to the environment (the story has a lot of details that are a love letter to New Orleans. There weren’t nearly enough references to the food, music, culture or architecture)

Giving Ciprien more of a personality (he felt incredibly flat)

More scenes/plots/focused episodes about the previous witches because they are 10x more interesting than Rowan

Mona Mayfair (obviously upgrade Anne’s “most feminist character” to third wave intersectional feminism instead of exaggerated second wave feminine supremacy)

Please more of the iconic symbology. The victrola, Stella’s pearls, the various artifacts from their 400 year history. Even the second floor attic reveal was anticlimatic in season one. 

Better costume design. These people do *not* appear to be dressing for their class, their environment or the weather.

Obviously they need to treat the characters of color with more respect (being treated bad by other characters is one thing, being treated bad by the narrative is another), also for all their talk of making it “more queer friendly” they’ve certainly glossed over a lot of the queerness of the work. 

FFS put Ms. Richards on the writing staff or something PLEASE she was legit a member of the real-life Talamasca and is one of only like three people on the whole of the cast crew and production that was actually a fan of the work before this started. Her whole thing is updating problematic genre content and you gave her nothing to do

[iconfusionwastaken]

1 large 'Ingo dumped into Minecraft AU' post

lots of stuff under the cut

If you want to make your own AUs/fics/art/etc. based on/inspired by/for anything on this post, you're beyond free to do so.

Ingo is not eeby deebied to Hisui but instead the world of Minecraft, maybe it's like, idk, Hermitcraft, Dream SMP, 3rd Life, Last Life, Afterlife SMP, Empires SMP, EvoSMP, Hypixel, a Pixelmon server or anywhere else.

Maybe the roleplay that happens in these worlds are just roleplay, all done for fun, maybe it's instead reality for the inhabitants, not an rp, or it's instead a mixture of both.

Maybe he's stuck in a single player world (maybe he finds out he can exit this world, create new ones, etc. etc.)

Nevertheless, Ingo is a man from a mortal world stuck in a place where unless the world is hardcore, immortality is indefinite.

Memory loss or not, Ingo is gonna have a difficult time adjusting to a Minecraft world, especially 1 that runs off of Minecraft Mechanics.

If we go 100% w/ the video game abilities, & Ingo gains every ability normal Minecraft players have, he kinda becomes what the Pokemon world would see as a godlike entity. All of this could be overwhelming for him at 1st.

What about adding mods like many of us do? Imagine Ingo finding mods that allow players to make trains in Minecraft & installing them all in his single player worlds if he has any.

Anyways, say after Ingo is long finished adjusting & is now used to Minecraft, let's say it's time for Emmet to discover his big brother is alive. I have 2 ideas for this.

Getting isekaied back to Unova, & the MCC

Getting Isekaied Back Home

So Ingo for whatever reason is returned to Unova. Whether Ingo holds any memories or not depends on you. I'm going w/ no memories.

Ingo gets a poor reintroduction to the world w/ the wrong sort of people crowding around him.

He does the only thing he can do, armor up in a quick few seconds, & draws his shield & sword.

This freaks everyone else tf out because they were expecting pokemon not a goddamn sword!

Ingo does a classic minecraft escape, maybe w/ an enderpearl/towering up.

Both freak out everyone around him, but the towering causes more chaos.

Eventually the news spread around about this freaky guy who armored himself up w/o having it on him before & the likes.

Ingo tries laying low somewhere away from people, figure out where he is.

He types in chat, something along the lines of, "I've wound up in the wrong station, can the admin of this world help bring me to my correct station?"

Since he's the only person w/ chat, nobody else sees his message.

Or maybe, instead, everyone within a certain radius sees the message infront of them/hears it somehow & are confused bcus wtf is this? Also who is using Ingo's name? That's fucked he's a missing person.

Ingo tries to lay low, but fiascos continue to happen & eventually it gets out that this weird person "wearing" Ingo's face that may be a psychic/pokemon in disguise because of all the weird shit he pulls off & this freaky stuff he has on him, plus he has no pokemon & when people try to fight him he brings up a shield & weapons?

Ingo meanwhile is a confused lad & wants to get home, even when this place feels weirdly familiar & nostalgic, as are these strange creatures who are clearly smart enough to make their own choices like players.

Maybe he befriends some mons & they travel w/ him.

As ingo learns, people apparently don't fight w/ swords or whatnot, but w/ creatures of immense power instead. Regardless, he'd rather not fight anyone & instead run away, because it's 1 thing to fight another person who also has a weapon, & another thing to fight someone who is basically unarmed w/o the powerful creatures by their side, & something deep inside Ingo abhors the idea of harming these creatures at all.

At some point Ingo hears about this guy named Emmet who people are calling his twin? Well, Ingo remembers nothing, & has been down on his luck recently, but maybe this guy has answers? They do look alike after all.

So begins Ingo's journey to Nimbasa w/ many misadventures along the way.

Emmet who's recently heard of this Ingo imposter also learns this guy has been heading towards Nimbasa.

Thus, Emmet, still in grief over his missing twin, decides to confront this person wearing Ingo's face.

In Nimbasa, Ingo's recognized & chased by police under the impression he's guilty of identity theft & Ingo takes the chase to roofs which he uses blocks on him to bridge between but then he's cornered, there's no nearby ledge or roof, he has no blocks left, but he has a water bucket, & can get away by jumping down.

Meanwhile, the very ledge where Ingo is cornered at happens to be the enterance to the building & Emmet just got there, he was gonna enter the building & sprint his way to the roof top until he noticed Ingo who jumped off the ledge holding something in his hand.

Ingo attempts an MLG Waterbucket as he's done countless times before and ends up dying.

Listen we all have our days where things just go wrong.

Emmet sees this doppelganger of his brother jump down, fall onto the pavement legs first, collapse to his side while flashing red for a brief moment only for the body to disappear in smoke.

Everyone around Ingo at the time hears the words: Ingo fell from a high place

Even if Emmet is certain that wasn't his brother, that strange sentence only terrifies him.

Also, every object, from weapons, to armor, to food, & more, is scattered on the ground, as are xp points which have no where to go because no players are nearby.

Wait I just came up for another branch in this AU

Despite being confused, the police decide to confiscate all of Ingo's stuff.

Ingo meanwhile, who was lucky enough to have a bed on him & set him spawn somewhere near Nimbasa city & promply goes to get at least some iron gear since there's a good chance he isn't getting his stuff back. He isn't as dumb as to stay armorless forever.

When people try to do something about the XP, they can't, it just stays in place, only jerking around in the same small area.

IDK where to continue from here.

Branch 2! Emmet absorbs the XP!

When Ingo dies and looses all his stuff & leaves some XP behind, Emmet is the closes person nearby. Despite not being a player, the XP goes to him.

Emmet doesn't realize what's happened until it's already occured, as he hears the jingles of XP.

He doesn't feel different & after a checkup which doesn't see anything wrong, he continues life as normal, as much as he can given all the havoc going on.

It's generally assumed that the doppelganger is good as dead for a while until he's spotted again.

That's not the only thing however, Emmet's been feeling strange lately.

It starts small, being able to pick objects up much quicker, even when his hand was no where near them. If he stood next to an object he wanted, it could suddenly be in his hand.

Then it became involuntary.

He discovered that if he just had a quick snack, his stamina would suddenly come back to him, & he could go back to sprinting.

Whenever he wanted to take something on/off, the clothing in question would already be worn/taken off.

When going to bed, he'd feel the sensation of falling asleep in a matter of seconds only to wake up to morning so suddenly.

Eventually he's start to wake up standing next to his better when he swore seconds before he was falling asleep in bed.

Soon he can hold up to 9 objects in some pocket dimension he aruptly has, & he can cycle between all these objects.

When Emmet tries to put something down 1 day, he drops it on the ground instead, it looks tinier than it should be, & it spins slowly, just like everything the doppelganger of Ingo scattered that day

1 day, Emmet wakes up to a line of text is his sight, that nevers goes away no matter what direction he looks.

Emmet has joined the game

<Ingo> Hello! Do you happen to know who's server this is? I'm kind of stuck here and can't log out of here.

(I also have this idea where Ingo gets stuck in Unova w/ some other players who have long become good friends of him & all of them causing madness together but this is long enoug lmao)

I imagine if Ingo kept his memories, he'd not just be estastic to be home, but would go straight towards Nimbasa city, misunderstandings & madness still happens, but it's a smoother experience.

Sidenote, would miltank milk function just like cow milk from minecraft, curing status effects like poison & the likes? Would it only apply to potion effects or do effects from pokemon & more count too?

The MCC Reveal

Ingo, after having long since adjusted to the world, gets an invite to MCC, which he accepts.

Unrelated to Ingo going to MCC for the 1st time ever, the universe of Minecraft has found & established communication w/ the world of Pokemon, where Ingo once belonged.

It's huge news for both worlds, w/ constant updates of what people have learned about the other world being released.

Once again going the Amnesiac Ingo route, Ingo can't help but feel that the Pokemon seem awfully familiar, & the Pokemon universe as a whole seems so nostalgic to him.

Since MCC is coming up, Noxcrew decide to set it up so that when the event goes live, even the Pokemon universe can see what's going on.

It's the most the MCC has ever been hyped up.

When the teams are revealed, everyone from the Pokemon world who knows anything about Ingo does a spit take upon seeing him in 1 of the teams.

When the pokemon universe contacts the minecraft universe about Ingo, the Minecraft world is like: Ingo? Yeah he's a good guy who unfortunately has amnesia, why do you ask?

That's when the pkmn world reveals Ingo's history & he's from Unova & the Minecraft universe is like 'oh, SHIT.'

& so Ingo is informed that it was discovered that he has a twin, is from the pkmn world, among other things.

Alternatively, ppl could somehow not get te news about Ingo being in MCC, the event starts, but then people find out someone who looks like Ingo is in the event. He looks like Ingo.

Mid-tournament, people find out where the missing twin of Emmet is.

I wanna write down ideas for if Emmet became a player instead of Ingo, or they both end up in Minecraft, maybe they go w/ Elesa or it's just Elesa. Maybe their pokemon come w/ them, the likes, but I've already used so much brain juice plus this post is already long enough.

[black-coffee-and-sugar]

What the actual fuck

i had to sit with my thoughts on 6x18 for a while. you know every time i tell myself 'this is the worst episode' the sg writers say 'hold my beer'. this is the final season i can count all the genuinely good episodes on one hand with 3 fingers to spare. it's honestly so sad. the premiere injected me with so much promise, the phantom zone storyline was supposed to be the chance to explore kara as her own damn character again, 6b was going to give us all our endgames and the unity between the super friends that we've been robbed of for the past few seasons. but they have literally given us anything but that. for instance in this episode:

- started in such a strange place i actually had to check to make sure i didn't miss something

- cringe cringe cringe. why are the effects so bad

- fight scenes are so terribly choreographed. fire whoever is responsible

- william trusting otis with intel. super friends trusting the intel. especially lena. like come on, you should know otis better than the others and his relationship with your brother. you didn't think it was in the least bit suspect? the fuck happened to you lena???

- given how incompetent the super friends have been this entire season, im actually shocked that they managed to get those totems from nyxly

- nyxly's truth totem test used to further her contrived romance with lex and just like that, nyxly has ceased to exist as her own character. i was genuinely enjoying her as a villain up until this point

- andrea is actually not a nice person but i blame the writers for making her such a mean girl cut out instead of a complex, morally grey character. there's no actual motivation for her behaviour. her stock characterization, one dimensionality, one minute scenes this season is such a poor way to handle her. the only revelance she served was in 5x06 and i had hoped that they would spend more time with her as acrata and developing her friendship with lena, especially while lena was separated from kara and the super friends. but no, they didn't do that and im so irritated by this

- can't believe im saying this but william wasn't wrong with what he said to andrea. he wasn't. but he should just quit catco and go home. why isn't that an option?

- lena giving andrea solid advice. you know what that is? GROWTH

- idk how publishing lex's journals really does anything for catco or tainting lex's public image. if the trial didn't, the trial where he pretty much said "yes I wanted to mind control the world, what of it?" didn't convince the world he's evil and crazy, nothing will

- one of the most unbelievable things is that cat grant exists on earth prime and she's apparently quite fine with how catco, her baby, is a joke now

- alex cannot and does not understand kara's lived experience. "i was there" god y'all have no idea how that triggered me

- alex literally has two character traits: asshole cop and supportive sister. her reaction to kara's very reasonable suggestion about helping esme with her powers. is it a bad thing to use training wheels when you're learning how to properly ride a bike? the child doesn't know how to control her powers and it's overwhelming for her. taking steps to help manage that does not have to equate hiding and suppressing. it's just easing her into it while she learns control. like wtf was this scene

- kara apologized too why?

- lex getting all this character growth in these past 2 episodes is also triggering

- the way lex and nyxly are getting all this development and screentime when your MAIN CHARACTER GETS NOTHING

- lena on comms. Ooooh westallen vibes

- loving these kara and space dad scenes we've been getting recently

- brainia wtf. the crimes committed to this couple are UNENDING

- im assuming nia can't go to the future because she has a descendant there and this will basically become the same situation amaya was in on legends

- lena's little hip sway came too late in the episode to keep me invested

- but also can we take a minute to appreciate how hot everyone was looking this episode? even william

- william is allegedly "friends" with superheroes so my big question is, why wouldn't you call them instead of picking up a knife? you mean to tell me that the tower doesn't have a panic room or something? some internal lockdown sequence that is manual and therefore cannot be remotely disabled? is this a joke?

- i tried putting on my phone's video and putting it in perfect frame in 0.1 secs like william and it was not physically possible

- lex is an asshole yes but even him killing william made zero sense narratively

- andrea will be forever traumatized because she got william killed and you know what? im not even mad about that

- what does upset me is that william's death was not impactful. i think about tommy merlyn dying in arrow S1 or stein in legends S3 and how those deaths greatly impacted the main characters and the even the audience. but william's death did...nothing. even the super friends reaction to seeing him there on the floor bleeding out was...benign. it wasn't sad, it was stupid and unnecessary. but it fits the theme of them killing POC characters

- the bachelorette party lasted all of 2 minutes and honestly the episode should've ended there

- but also thinking about how short the party was, the lack of intimacy we saw from dansen and i am reminded that the cw is not interested in giving us real representation. don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise

- would also like to point out that all the couples were standing next to each other and it's very homophobic that supercorp and dansen were not grinding on their partners

- is it weird to have your dad at your bachelorette party? feels like it would be. honestly would've made sense for j'onn and eliza to babysit esme but no, they just had to get william involved and try (fail) to give him a "hero's death"

so what i gathered from this episode is no brainia, probably no supercorp, idk what is happening with andrea, lex and nyxly have become our main couple and that the super friends (comprised of a martian, kryptonian, 12th level intellect, dream energy wielding badass, genius billionaire/witch and 2 skilled vigilantes) need 2 men from the future and calvintown's paper editor to help them fight the big bads.

what the actual fuck