#basically I have no idea wtf is wrong with me and at this point idk if I ever will know lol

[pawsometoons]

Not my dumb ass being kinda disinterested in most of the other characters in Ugo Ugo Ruga to the point where my brain is thinking of a Sur-kun focused au that I already have a name for (Show's Over au)

Where since the show had ended, all of the main characters have pretty much been like

Asleep.

And Sur-kun suddenly wakes up and pops out of his painting to see there's been no activity at all in the studio TV-kun won't even turn on. Basically leaving completely alone and having to find ways to learn about how long it's been, and what's happened over the years

There's even a VEEERY very angsty idea that I had where Sur-kun has just been sitting and staring at TV-kun for hours and hours, trying to see if he'd turn on. Until Sur-kun eventually loses it and begans shaking TV-kun around, screaming at him to wake up until he goes a bit too far and accidentally knocks TV-kun over shattering his screen.

Idk wtf is wrong with me send help

[slytherinshua]

WHAT IS THE DANCING TRAUMA?? I NEED TEA

omg so basically i did ballet when i was 8 until like.... idk 12 or 13? and it was all rly fine for the most part i rly liked dancing and i wanted to start doing it i begged my parents for it... i even signed up for summer intensives where we danced 5 days a week for 4 weeks like 6 hours a day (though i literally wanted to skip those sm after i signed up 😍) but then i had to move to another city so i joined a new dance class and that's when i start to realize that i was rly getting tired so fast compared to the other girls even tho i had amazing technique and good training compared to them my stamina was so shit and i was like wtf is wrong w me.... so then later i found out i was severely anemic and my iron levels were like non existent and i had to get iron infusions for like 6 months 👎👎👎 but like now i just remember all the times i was so fucking tired in ballet class and had no idea why like i wouldn't be able to breathe and it was so frustrating tbh cause my ballet teacher would always tell the other girls to come look at my amazing technique but i was struggling to keep up with the actual combos 😔 yeah i actually progressed enough to get on pointe but then i quit soon after cause of covid and later realizing i was anemic but after i quit ballet for a tiny bit i did private tap lessons and that was WAY WORSE I MUCH PREFERRED BALLET GOD DAMN 😭😭 i still have my pointe shoes hung up in my room <3 and honestly even tho i never think im gonna dance again it was such a nice experience in my life apart from the struggle lmao like i still adore ballet sm and i love being able to watch it and know how hard it is to execute those moves it makes me respect it sm more and also makes it sm funner to watch ^^^

[bullshit-bulltrue]

Hawk Talk

Okay so sorry if this is a little jumpy I'm having a so far two-day long anxiety attack anyway-

We got assigned seating in history and i got sat next to the biggest cunt wad i have ever met i fucking despise her and she's my desk partner

she was cordial and so was i but she has not fucking changed at all

And the cute boy from years ago is still cute and shy and such a sweetheart but he sits behind me ish and to the very far right

So I can't even look at him anymore without anyone noticing :(

And nyxie darling (@whennyxfallsinlove) was right, i was looking at him like a deer staring at headlights the first day because holy shit i REALLY *REALLY* liked him (still do) because he was one of the only genuine boys I met at the time and I was having a really difficult time and yk hanging out with him helped me out since things were happening in my home life that were difficult to say the least

So then the rest of class went smoothly

For math, there is no cute guys

But thats fine because I really like my teacher and he's taught ways to do math that are so much easier

Not only is he funny, but he also REALLY goes into depth of equations and helps out a lot!!

Sooo yeah

I had a mini heart attack bc after I left class I thought my phone fell outta my pocket but the pockets on my jeans are high (since the jeans are high-waisted duh) so it turns out my butt just didn't recognize the feeling since majority of my jeans don't have wider pocket space

But yeah

Anddd then I went to English class

And if you saw the recent small Hawk Talk posts of me interacting with nyxie, you'd know that there are two boys that are lowkey cute 👀

Idk they're cute by my standards but probably not everyone else's lmao

So I feel like I should call these guys smth??

So umm let's call one of them Baseball guy bc he likes baseball and I also didn't wanna ask his name but when I do, I'll probably make a nickname to refer to when I post about him

And the other we'll call D/Dee ig??

So yeah D was funny as usual

And the baseball guy talked more and lanie, him, and I were going through this box

It was a worry box and my English teacher (we'll call her Mrs. K) basically had a chest and put it at our table to write our worries on an index card and put it in there (anonymously, but some kids put their names so now we have Blackmail™️ . Probs won't need it, but it's good to have information on people)

And like she said that we could NOT under ANY circumstances go through it..

But we did 😘

So yeah that was fun because I didnt get caught

so i'm her favorite student while also being a little shit

🙃

So me and Lanie started following Cute Baseball Boy™️ to his locker because we're nosy bitches

But then I lost lanie so I sat on the floor until i was found like a 7-year-old who lost her mom at the supermarket

Aaand then we had lunch together !!

But then I found out she thought baseball guy is cute too :(

And idk how to feel about that

So I'd anything happens between them I'm gonna be kinda bummed bc I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me thinking he's cute

So im gonna have to find a way to not like him ig??

Or just keep shit to myself (with the intention of telling y'all every little detail)

Gonna je bummed if they start dating or smth but I'll be supportive nonetheless because they're both my friends and if they're happy then that's all that really matters to me

So anyway

Thus guy across from us at lunch was fucking hilarious

His friend kept putting a plate of school food someone forgot to throw away in his face and he let out the most high pitch ear piercing scream I have EVER heard lmaooo

Same bro, same

Felt that

And like I looked at him like wtf was that dude

And his eyes got SO wide

He kept frantically pointing to the girls that were sitting near him and even his friend 💀

So like that was funny

And then we got to gym !!

We didn't get to actually do anything :(

Basically what happened in PE: got gym clothes, got gym lockers (mine and lanie's are next to each other!!), and watched boys get play basketball (D was playing and he wasn't that bad)

Sooo yeah

Ik I said that I went basic white girl mode and watched the boys play

But like half the time I was just taking selfies on snap and scrolling through tumblr memes lmao

But the other half me and lanie were laughing at the boys clothes and haircuts bc they look like they rolled out of bed and asked a 5 year old to make their hair the shape of a fucking broccoli spout or whatever tf you call it

y'all it was that bad

(we also laughed abt that shit at lunch too)

Oh forgot something

While we were all going into the girl's locker room of the gym i thought lanie was right behind me but when i turned around i had to tilt my head up and look around for her head because she's way taller than me and she was at the very back of the crowd

So i went to the side and waited for her to get close to me

And she literally fucking said

L: damn girl i keep losing you, you're really speedy

Me: yeah i'm short but it means i walker faster than you, you're a fucking giant

L: well yeah to YOU. but like i'm tall enough to be your mom

And I lost it. I laughed so hard bc of the way she said it lol

Soo yeah that was the end of my school day

Hope you enjoyed <3

Oh and tagging people that wanted to hear about my day and/or have been reading my Hawk Talk posts (if you dont wanna be tagged lmk and i wont anymore, and lmk if u do wanna be tagged in the full day hawk talk posts!) : @cereal-is-a-soup100percent-true @whennyxfallsinlove @dizzeners @cau-lee-flower215 @sp1rit-realm

[tomofjoy]

Finally done with this i guess but anyway i was actually done with it last class but when I came to class today my teacher just wasnt there like i couldn't find him at all i even checked the staff door thing but he was just gone and i didn't know what to do cuz i was done with this painting but i couldn't just go and start a different one cuz i didnt know which one and well it just seemed weird i guess??? So after like 7 minutes of standing awkwardly waiting for him i just got an easel and started working on this one again but i had like no idea what to do so i sorta just sat there for one and a half hours putting random strokes to look like I'm doing something and hoping i dont accidentally ruin it but then he came back and like i COULD just go up to him and say like hey yo im done with this, what do i do now but like at tht point i already accepted my fate. Oh and also while i was sitting there i kinda discovered that i talk to myself in my head? Like i don't know i guess i just never noticed before that i have conversations with myself mentally but cool that was fun . And about the easel things, i just googled the word for those and it kinda bothered me while i was in class that i didn't know what it was called but anyway the tiny little room everyone was painting in was like pretty densely packed(as in 4 people . It's like really small, not THAT small but the giant table in the middle takes up a lot of space ) so it was really awkward trying to get to 'my' spot first of all, and second, my seat was like really close to another girl's easel so i was just really really worried about accidentally leaning back too far and bonking my head on it so that was awkward. Also my shoulders are in absolute fucking pain right now.

Oh and when I was taking the picture I was in a hurry cuz everyone started packing and i didn't wanna stay in the way too long so it turned out crooked and at a weird angle. I knew it would be crooked when I was taking the photo, but damn i didn't think it would be THAT bad. My favourite part of this thing is probably the bottom right corner. Oh and the things on the like uhm . Wtf is it called. Basically the lamp and the things in the painting kept fucking moving every day i came there so like the lightning n all is very inconsistent on the weird wooden thing so thats annoying but whatever i guess. Not sure what I'm gonna be drawing next but i'll prolly go with gouache cause the watercolours stressed the hell out of me. Oh and speaking of watercolours, my dad said that im laying it too thick and it looks like gouache and that im using it wrong but like when I draw it too transparent it feels incomplete??? :'I so idk

Anyway thomas out, thank you for maybe reading

[airedelalmena]

Oh. And another older guy commented "are you growing out your hair" and not in a bad way. But I instantly went to what I realize now are almost embarrassed comments and he responded reminding me I didn't have to do that. But it happened almost automatically.

Because he was perceiving me as male and I really finally have that and need to keep it. And because I'm tired of standing out in more psychological/belief based ways that get me shit from the normies I've been forced to deal with. But he doesn't know that.

And I guess because I really am getting mildly re-socialized here, on top of the existing male-like instinctive responses I've always had... and genuinely react in this sort of embarrassed guy way.

Example: Being a teenager and getting teased by my aunt for her idea that I "had a crush on" a straight boy next door. I got livid to the point where before getting any words out, I was too flustered to speak and stormed out of the room. Which just reinforced the idea to her. But what was actually going on in my head was that I was so ridiculously offended that she thought I could like this guy, and as a girl. It was emasculating. But no way to articulate that even to myself, because admitting I felt that way was beyond social taboo and wrong, never mind being able to word it aloud to say to her.

Or getting a phone call to the house around the same ageor younger (14?) and being asked for my husband. I drew a blank and started sputtering, completely flabbergasted with what I just heard, how unnatural it was. So I just word-vomited what first came out -- "Uh... I'm not... a woman?...." and handed the phone to someone who was. and walked away in a daze, "WTF was that about?" Absolutely blindsided like someone just grew a second head in front of me. As in it actually slowed me down for a minute, "WTF did I just experience?" Then I had to play it off to them as "well I'm a teenager still right? and she's asking for my husband haha so weird!" BEFORE even getting the right to process my own feelings for myself, or understand why I even said that, I had to apologize for how weird *I*, NOT she, sounded in saying that. So at that point you're already hiding your natural instincts from yourself and not investigating them because they've been dubbed unnatural before you even get to look at them and sit with them and see what they are. But I responded basically like a teenage boy would. On a basic underlying level I could not imagine being spoken to or growing up to be spoken to like a grown woman, with a marriage, etc.

And it's so reductive to boil this down to orientation because it's obviously so much more than that. My response was not to feel like they mostly got it right but assumed wrong about one detail. My instinctual response was "Wait WTF I'm not a woman." "does she know that? what am I hearing?" lol.

I feel like this and the social part are reshaping me as I basically come back into my natural instincts without fearing them. Like. My being read as male is allowing for instincts that I already had to come back. And telling me it's okay to have them. Like the most basic thing that every cissexual human being takes for granted. "I am allowed to automatically conceive of myself as a member of this sex and respond like clockwork to it and my ingrained instinct is not incorrect, strange, or morally weighted at all."

This shit is like punishing kids for being left-handed. It really is. It is that physically wired-in-there. Idk. It kind of amazes me how even with that many years of social fuckery it still survives and comes out once you stop punishing it. Like with lawns.

Tangent of context having been gotten out...

Idk. I wanted to grow out my hair. Still want to. To just jump right in to the long-haired look I was already geared towards anyway. But I'm getting a lot more of "she" than I was even a couple of weeks ago. Probably time for a trim. Not going to happen. Yet.

Not saying the bigender aspect doesn't still exist. It does. But this needs its time to exist and take over. And finally no one in my life is holding me back from this. Stable housing is pretty much the primary concern and I'm working on that one.... We'll see. 🧿

Getting some mild amount of male re-socialization from being perceived as a young cis guy apparently. I had an older guy tell me I didn't have to be so pleasant. He didn't say it unkindly but I needed to hear it. Then he threw in a little more quietly the same comment but with the advice I didn't have to act like a nancy which is like... well... Questionable. But in old folks' advice there's fuckin' truth and I do need to quit my people pleaser ways for good. I guess I feel obligated to compensate for the rest of the younger folks around who don't do it, even a little. Opposite direction, in the extreme. But let's be real, I was also doing it anyway, even before this job. And just. he also had a damn point.

[black-coffee-and-sugar]

What the actual fuck

i had to sit with my thoughts on 6x18 for a while. you know every time i tell myself 'this is the worst episode' the sg writers say 'hold my beer'. this is the final season i can count all the genuinely good episodes on one hand with 3 fingers to spare. it's honestly so sad. the premiere injected me with so much promise, the phantom zone storyline was supposed to be the chance to explore kara as her own damn character again, 6b was going to give us all our endgames and the unity between the super friends that we've been robbed of for the past few seasons. but they have literally given us anything but that. for instance in this episode:

- started in such a strange place i actually had to check to make sure i didn't miss something

- cringe cringe cringe. why are the effects so bad

- fight scenes are so terribly choreographed. fire whoever is responsible

- william trusting otis with intel. super friends trusting the intel. especially lena. like come on, you should know otis better than the others and his relationship with your brother. you didn't think it was in the least bit suspect? the fuck happened to you lena???

- given how incompetent the super friends have been this entire season, im actually shocked that they managed to get those totems from nyxly

- nyxly's truth totem test used to further her contrived romance with lex and just like that, nyxly has ceased to exist as her own character. i was genuinely enjoying her as a villain up until this point

- andrea is actually not a nice person but i blame the writers for making her such a mean girl cut out instead of a complex, morally grey character. there's no actual motivation for her behaviour. her stock characterization, one dimensionality, one minute scenes this season is such a poor way to handle her. the only revelance she served was in 5x06 and i had hoped that they would spend more time with her as acrata and developing her friendship with lena, especially while lena was separated from kara and the super friends. but no, they didn't do that and im so irritated by this

- can't believe im saying this but william wasn't wrong with what he said to andrea. he wasn't. but he should just quit catco and go home. why isn't that an option?

- lena giving andrea solid advice. you know what that is? GROWTH

- idk how publishing lex's journals really does anything for catco or tainting lex's public image. if the trial didn't, the trial where he pretty much said "yes I wanted to mind control the world, what of it?" didn't convince the world he's evil and crazy, nothing will

- one of the most unbelievable things is that cat grant exists on earth prime and she's apparently quite fine with how catco, her baby, is a joke now

- alex cannot and does not understand kara's lived experience. "i was there" god y'all have no idea how that triggered me

- alex literally has two character traits: asshole cop and supportive sister. her reaction to kara's very reasonable suggestion about helping esme with her powers. is it a bad thing to use training wheels when you're learning how to properly ride a bike? the child doesn't know how to control her powers and it's overwhelming for her. taking steps to help manage that does not have to equate hiding and suppressing. it's just easing her into it while she learns control. like wtf was this scene

- kara apologized too why?

- lex getting all this character growth in these past 2 episodes is also triggering

- the way lex and nyxly are getting all this development and screentime when your MAIN CHARACTER GETS NOTHING

- lena on comms. Ooooh westallen vibes

- loving these kara and space dad scenes we've been getting recently

- brainia wtf. the crimes committed to this couple are UNENDING

- im assuming nia can't go to the future because she has a descendant there and this will basically become the same situation amaya was in on legends

- lena's little hip sway came too late in the episode to keep me invested

- but also can we take a minute to appreciate how hot everyone was looking this episode? even william

- william is allegedly "friends" with superheroes so my big question is, why wouldn't you call them instead of picking up a knife? you mean to tell me that the tower doesn't have a panic room or something? some internal lockdown sequence that is manual and therefore cannot be remotely disabled? is this a joke?

- i tried putting on my phone's video and putting it in perfect frame in 0.1 secs like william and it was not physically possible

- lex is an asshole yes but even him killing william made zero sense narratively

- andrea will be forever traumatized because she got william killed and you know what? im not even mad about that

- what does upset me is that william's death was not impactful. i think about tommy merlyn dying in arrow S1 or stein in legends S3 and how those deaths greatly impacted the main characters and the even the audience. but william's death did...nothing. even the super friends reaction to seeing him there on the floor bleeding out was...benign. it wasn't sad, it was stupid and unnecessary. but it fits the theme of them killing POC characters

- the bachelorette party lasted all of 2 minutes and honestly the episode should've ended there

- but also thinking about how short the party was, the lack of intimacy we saw from dansen and i am reminded that the cw is not interested in giving us real representation. don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise

- would also like to point out that all the couples were standing next to each other and it's very homophobic that supercorp and dansen were not grinding on their partners

- is it weird to have your dad at your bachelorette party? feels like it would be. honestly would've made sense for j'onn and eliza to babysit esme but no, they just had to get william involved and try (fail) to give him a "hero's death"

so what i gathered from this episode is no brainia, probably no supercorp, idk what is happening with andrea, lex and nyxly have become our main couple and that the super friends (comprised of a martian, kryptonian, 12th level intellect, dream energy wielding badass, genius billionaire/witch and 2 skilled vigilantes) need 2 men from the future and calvintown's paper editor to help them fight the big bads.

what the actual fuck

[murfpersonalblog]

So...basically what we need is a do-over from scratch? XD

I think AMC & Esta in particular royally blew Mayfair Witches.

Environment: This is the ONE point I disagree with--I think they've done more than enough set dressing. The location shots are the best thing about the show IMO--it's pretty to look at. What's missing is the rich CHARACTERS and HISTORY. I wish they hadn't removed Michael, and his trade as an architect: the house was a living legend basically, for how important setting was for the Mayfairs, as they moved from Scotland to Haiti to Riverbend to the Garden District. Such a waste.

Ciprien: They ruined it when they had Rowan & Cip sleep together just because they touched hands and the empath magic was working. They had zero build up -- it went from hey creep why are you stalking me I'll kill you; to oops I almost killed you btw why do you have a picture of my mom you creep; to omg my mom was murdered right in front of me let's hold hands wow I love you but I don't ever listen to you.

The previous witches are 1000x more interesting than Rowan.

Mona: If we don't get Blackwood Farm with Mona & Quinn & Morrigan I'm gonna be upset. The whole point of the Mayfairs is their Taltos chromosome, and which witches can give birth to one or not. Without that culminating arc, adding in Mona this late will just be Tessa 2.0, like wtf Esta.

Icons: I was SHOCKED that Julien was nowhere to be found--no victrola, journals, nothing. The voodoo doll was cute, but it's not enough--that house was HAUNTED. But there's still room for it in S2, if Ciprien has a seance with Julien's ghost to learn how to use "simple tools" against Lasher. And GOD YES, I was so bummed that the attic reveal was so DULL--that's one of the best parts of the book! U_U 

Costumes: Yeah, I had no idea what anyone was wearing, especially Deirdre in that fancy dress as if tshirts & pants don't exist, & Rowan in that silly flapper outfit, meanwhile Stella's a BLIP.

Race: The Mayfairs were elitist slaveowning eugenicist mad scientist racist pigs, so I actually hope they stop acting like the Mayfairs are the UN, with all of these POC Mayfairs in positions of power, like wtf? Witches like Merrick Mayfair lived out in the swamps cuz the family kept denying Julien's byblows--black and white. Riverbend was the most GHASTLY part of the Mayfair's racist history, and I wasn't surprised that when Jojo showed off the designee portraits Marguerite's name wasn't mentioned, seeing the way they're revising/cleaning up the Mayfair history already.

Speaking of Jojo, yes, Jen Richards was a breath of fresh air, and I hope she gets WAY more to do. Maybe make Jojo the new Mona? O_O I could see it! Jojo's already the best female on the whole show, and an actually LIKEABLE Mayfair, so I say make her the designee and let's have her meet Quinn Blackwood, get married and have his kid from the book--but surprise! it's a Walking Baby, Morrigan! <3 (DO NOT have her be one of the Mayfair women Lasher assaults & kills, PLEASE NO.)

But yeah, while I hope they prove me wrong in S2, this was such a fustercluck that IDK if there's any salvaging it.

A list of things Mayfair Witches needs

A more loving approach to the environment (the story has a lot of details that are a love letter to New Orleans. There weren’t nearly enough references to the food, music, culture or architecture)

Giving Ciprien more of a personality (he felt incredibly flat)

More scenes/plots/focused episodes about the previous witches because they are 10x more interesting than Rowan

Mona Mayfair (obviously upgrade Anne’s “most feminist character” to third wave intersectional feminism instead of exaggerated second wave feminine supremacy)

Please more of the iconic symbology. The victrola, Stella’s pearls, the various artifacts from their 400 year history. Even the second floor attic reveal was anticlimatic in season one. 

Better costume design. These people do *not* appear to be dressing for their class, their environment or the weather.

Obviously they need to treat the characters of color with more respect (being treated bad by other characters is one thing, being treated bad by the narrative is another), also for all their talk of making it “more queer friendly” they’ve certainly glossed over a lot of the queerness of the work. 

FFS put Ms. Richards on the writing staff or something PLEASE she was legit a member of the real-life Talamasca and is one of only like three people on the whole of the cast crew and production that was actually a fan of the work before this started. Her whole thing is updating problematic genre content and you gave her nothing to do

[crossdressingdeath]

varric romance anon here and yeah i could've worded that better lmao

and i definitely agree that no romanceable dwarves in any of the games is weird (i THINK some writer or dev said he viewed them as child-like [1. wtf 2. the wording was probably different but the point was the same] and that's why there's no dwarf romance but i saw that a long time ago i don't have the source and it could've just been a hallucination so don't quote me on that--)

i just don't see varric as someone fitting for either hawke or inquisitor (when it comes to MY characters. again i don't think that OTHERS' views/hcs/whatever are invalid or wrong) as a romance but the fandom is obsessed with this idea. okay, not obsessed, but there's a lot of people who feel that way. idk. feels nice to have someone who's always your friend (yeah you can technically get him to rivalry or disapproval but i have not seen a single person do that, and i've seen a lot of... interesting stuff in this fandom)

this is a lot of words about a video game character lmao sorry

I do want to point out that you... kind of are suggesting that others' opinions on the smoochability of one Varric Tethras are wrong by talking like it's weird that a lot of people's characters have a dynamic with him that could easily be romantic if the game allowed it. As you yourself are pointing out, Varric doesn't have to always be your friend (you can make him hate you in DAI if you really want to); people just generally don't take that path because they don't see his relationship with their characters as antagonistic, like how you don't see him as a viable romantic interest for your characters. I don't think people are "obsessed" with romancing Varric any more than I think they're "obsessed" with romancing... I don't know, Solas: it's a dynamic that a lot of people like seeing in a romantic context, that's all. It's maybe made a bit more intense by the fact that the game doesn't let you actually do it, but that doesn't make it weird.

The thing to keep in mind with games like Dragon Age is that your player character might have basically nothing in common with other people's player characters, and that includes things like who they see as a potential romance; there are definitely people who hate whichever romance(s) you favour, and that doesn't make you liking them weird. Plus, both Alistair and Dorian (who I would argue fill the same "this character is intended to be your character's best friend" niche Varric does in DA2 in their games; yes, Dorian fills that role in DAI, I'll Fight You. Just look at his non-romanced, high approval epilogue in Trespasser, it's precious) are romance options! Romancing them in one world state doesn't make their friendship less important or precious in another, and their friendship in one world state doesn't make their romance less important in another. And with Varric especially, a huge amount of his character is designed around making as many players love him as possible; of course a lot of people are going to want to fuck him! Also I mean. in DAI the man has his tits out at all times on the side of a fucking mountain, if Bioware didn't want people to want to romance him they would've had him do his shirt up.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

I like reading this blog because I love bjds and it gives me something to read while I wait for things, but it’s starting to affect my mental health. Whenever I submit something whether it’s positive or negative or whatever, I always try to explain as thoroughly and clearly as possible and somehow all the comments always end up completely missing the point and misinterpreting everything I said no matter how obvious what I said was. 

Like I’ll say “I like the color blue the best” and the comments will be angry saying stuff like “I can’t believe you said that only losers like the color red, wtf is wrong with you?” And like I know what I said and I can reread it but it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy because I think what I’m saying makes sense (or even what I’m reading in others’ confessions) but all the comments are so far from the obvious meaning of what is being said that I start to wonder if I’m actually incoherent and I’m just typing stupid nonsense and I don’t know what I’m talking about even if it’s something as simple and irrefutable as “my favorite color is blue” because you can’t tell me what my favorite color is, but the comments are always acting like I have no idea what I’m talking about because clearly I’m just pretending my favorite color is blue for clout and I actually love red but I just want to make other people feel bad. I’ll admit I like to read drama sometimes and there’s very few places on the internet to look at and read doll stuff, but idk I guess I should just stop reading this blog.

Also I’ve notice that it says that some people have blocked me, but I’ve literally never interacted with the blog with any of my actual accounts. I’ve only posted anon confessions, so I have no idea how I’ve been blocked and it makes me feel like someone knows something I don’t and it just kind of weirds me out.

Idk I just feel like this place used to be more fun, now everyone is just hateful.

~Anonymous

Mod: I made this page a long time ago which is basically “don’t read this if it may affect your mental health” but, while I don’t interact online anymore, I used to in other communities, and an amusing thing I found was if I want to see people agree with me, I simply need to post the opposing view to what I have, and then all the comments will agree with me. It’s the nature of Discourse unfortunately, so it’s definitely not a “you” thing. As for the “some comments have been blocked” it’s a tumblr glitch I think, other anons have mentioned this before.

[a-confused-spoon]

It's been a loooong time since i last watched OS so i could be wrong but if the plummers were supposed to be a secret organization back in the day i'd assume it would make sense why space travel wasn't allowed outside plummer business- but yeah even then it'd be reasonable to allow at least the plummers' closer relatives to visit if they were out in space for x amount of time, especially since in this case specifically the woman wasn't even from fucking earth to begin with... but then again, how many aliens were registered as earth citizens back when human people weren't even allowed to know about an earth organization that could deal with them? Was verdona an illegal resident?

I do wonder at what point in time max chose to basically live in the rust bucket: if he always had it then i would hope the rest of the family could make some use of it (though tbh i would not trust verdona on the wheel); if it's a purchase he made after verdona left then... welp. guess you're right, they sure as hell didn't travel a lot. (i also agree that the family in general don't seem people who do a lot of traveling)

On nathalie, i would like to believe that part of her resentment towards the tennysons and verdona specifically might come from the experiences frank may have told her about; i do like the idea of her just plainly not liking them regardless because it's somewhat funny and also the whole bit in the It's Not Easy Being Gwen episode where her part of the family apparently demands handwritten invitations to family gatherings it's giving... snobbish as hell? Like who tf do these people think they are that they don't accept a fucking email to meet up with the family? Idk i can see it being an insufferable family (which might explain why despite - to put it kindly - "not being very supportive or accepting of gwen's shanenigans and nature" she also doesn't outright stop her)... but yeah no adding the frank thing it's like a cool additional layer.

As for the tags... (Edit: I'm entering some highly speculative territory here)

yeah no it's never stated it's about anodites because they don't say anything about them other than "they're made of mana" basically ahahah, but the wiki describes them as free spirited, immortal and amoral. Me personally i don't mind the idea of anodites having more or less the same kind of personality with very few differences, mostly because i guess it would make sense for energy beings? To be somewhat all alike one another? As i said in a previous post (well the tags of it) i also like this idea for the pure clash it'd imply when it comes to gwen (i.e. pretty sure the only character the very concept came to be in the first place cause god forbids magic exist), a sort of nature vs nurture thing- granted yes indeed she is human as well, but i also think that energy beings work in a completely different way- there's no dna mixing or such cause anodites have no dna, most likely it all lays in the way one experiences life and perceives reality.

Like, for the thing you said about there always being a distance between frank and verdona no matter how hard you try, one has to wonder how do energy beings experience feelings? If those are chemical imbalances can beings with no body even experience them in a similar way like we do? They sure as hell can't fathom what having your life depending on a physical body even means considering how casually violent she was with kevin and ben in her first appearance (and the whole "ill destroy your human body to free the anodite inside. It'll be fun" like wtf grandma). And love! How much love can they even truly feel and how similar is it to our kind of love? When gwen brings max up in their final conversation in What Little Girls Are Made Of verdona basically says "oh i was just a child" and then describes how she remembers him, but that might as well just be nostalgia.

Anodites might not even know what a family (or a nuclear family) is cause they (presumably) cannot feel desire to procreate as they might just create other anodites out of thin air, if they don't just spawn into existence on their own (my headcanon is that's exactly what happens, like they're sentient manifestations of the mana field itself hence experience life as part of a continuum and not as singular defined individuals- and anodyne just happens to be a planet that for whatever reason happens to be common "spawning spot"- cause again if they have no dna they probably didn't go through any biological evolution of any kind so technically they shouldn't really have a planet to call their own as they wouldn't really belong in any physical place). They probably don't mate among them, they likely don't really raise their young and all probably follow a learn-through-experience lifestyle even in their youth, like- verdona must've been so fucking confused by earth costumes and it sucks for her- and it sucks for the kids! To have one parent around and that parent being unable to love you and care for you the way you need to be loved and taken care of.

...Yk the more i think about anodites the more i believe verdona must have the furthest thing from being comfortable as a (most likely) stay at home mom. yeah the alien energy being who's meant to be a wild spirit roaming through the galaxy stays at home with the kids cause her human partner is too busy being in space. that's cool. that's fine. absolutely nothing ironic about that.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

hey so “find me” dropped on premiere and i just watched it, so you know what that means??

it’s review time!

(super rambly as usual) spoilers under the cut

before i say anything, let me say, IT’S FINE, Y’ALL. as predicted. people are gonna be dramatic bc there are daryl/leah scenes, but like...we been knew? and some of them were rly important caryl-wise. (tbh, the episode was kind of boring and just a set-up for other stuff, lmfao)

okay, review:

opening credits, which i think most of us have already seen, were cute. obvi there was some weird tension with daryl that leads to the coming-to-a-head thing at the end, but their banter is still cute af

they went fishing and daryl’s reaction to carol was adorable, and there’s an important parallel later on, so bookmark this

similarly, there’s an important parallel to carol’s “the dead catch up to us eventually”/daryl’s “i ain’t gonna let it”, so bookmark that, too

dog is the instigator for the flashbacks, so if you wanna blame anyone, blame him. he races to the cabin, which for some reason daryl, who spent five years in this forest, seemed surprised to see? didn’t you literally map out that whole area, my dude? whatever

cue flashback!

i might have the scene order mixed up, but i think it starts with daryl being all sad by himself, and then dog as a puppy shows up and he’s like “!!! a dog!!!” which is v cute, and then he runs back off. we don’t meet leah yet

we see carol and daryl having a conversation while standing on opposite sides of a river for no reason except to probably symbolize distance or maybe covid, lol. the conversation basically goes:

carol: things are different

daryl: yeah

carol: how long are you gonna be out here?

daryl: -shrug emoji-

carol: i get why you’re out here, and i’d join you if things weren’t...

daryl: different

carol: yeah

daryl: yeah. anyway, it’s gonna rain, and also i’m having emotions, so ttyl

the end

at some point we see daryl sitting with an extremely unhappy face while it pours rain on him in the dark, and i want that as a reaction gif IMMEDIATELY 

also the rain destroys his “where in the world is rick grimes?” map, which makes him v upset and scream-y, and we get the idea that he might be going a bit bonkers being all alone looking for a dead (or, ig, kidnapped by helicopter) man

in present day carol finds the note, and is like “oh dunk, she lived here??” so she knew about leah, and daryl’s like, “i already told you everything,” and carol’s like, “no you didn’t,” so we go back to flashbacks (but i’m still not sure what parts carol didn’t already know?? whatever, it’s not that important)

i’m just gonna hit the highlights of the flashbacks bc they were not that thrilling:

first time daryl meets leah the dog leads him to her cabin, and leah ties him to a chair and holds a gun to his head being like, “what are you doing on my land?” bc apparently you can claim whole forests during the apocalypse, and daryl says very little, and eventually she lets him go

next time dog finds daryl and he brings her back and leah is like, “the dog likes you” and they’re kinda flirty, and then daryl says very little and leaves

next time daryl is surrounded by walkers and leah shows up and helps and they hide in a tree and are awkwardly close to each other and daryl cannot handle the close physical contact so when the walkers pass he says very little except to tell her to never come back again, lmfao

the next flashback is my favorite bc daryl just fucking

goes to leah’s cabin and throws a fish at the door???

i laughed for ten years

he throws a fucking fish and then stands there for a minute like “is she gonna notice that i gave her a fish??” like, no, dumbass, you didn’t even knock, you just threw a fucking fish at her fucking door, what is wrong with you??

no wonder it’s taken him and carol so long if he thinks throwing fish at people is a smooth move. boy has NO fucking game

anyway, leah gets him back by finding him and throwing the fish at his head, being like, “wtf, don’t throw fish on my porch?” which, fair, leah

IMPORTANT CARYL PARALLEL (from here on out known as “caryllels”) #1: so earlier i mentioned the carol fish thing, and apparently the same thing happened with leah, where she speared a fish on her first try and daryl was like “tf?” v blatant “we are supposed to be thinking about carol and daryl’s relationship during this scene” sort of thing

leah’s backstory is bland. had a family, they got eaten or disappeared or something. she, her adopted son, and dog’s mom got away, but the kid was bit, and died the same day dog was born, bc ig when god closes one door, he replaces your dead son with a puppy, or however the idiom goes

ONLY PART THAT GOT ME LEGIT EMOTIONAL: 

leah asked daryl who he lost, and he says, “my brother”

asklfdjaslfdjskl

god i miss rick

i hated rick for so long and now i miss him so much

but i digress

IMPORTANT CARYLLEL #2: leah and daryl have the same “the dead get you eventually”/”i ain’t gonna let it” conversation as caryl had earlier, only daryl is playing the role of carol in this scenario, so again we’re supposed to be comparing the two relationships. lemme get through the rest of the summary and then i’ll tell you my opinion on what that means

fuck what even happens next?

i have these out of order bc they were all the fucking same, but the two of them get closer, and there is the vaguest suggestion of sex ever. you literally only see daryl’s hand

then jump-cut to them sitting at the table being emo, ig bc daryl was gonna go back to look for rick for a bit, and leah is like “who do you belong with? your brother you won’t stop looking for? your family that you left? [side note: that seemed rather pointed, like, “hey hoe, you abandoned your family, that was kind of a dick move”] or me?” and he says he doesn’t know, and she’s like “yeah you do, now choose”

jump-cut to caryl scene where carol finds him at the river and says that she won’t be visiting as much, and daryl’s like “k” and they have a brief argument where daryl’s all snippy, like, “what? do you want my permission for you to move on with your life? i’m not still emo about the fact that you’re moving on with your life, and i also don’t think it’s contextually significant that every time you show up in my flashbacks you explicitly mention that you’re married and have a kid,” and carol is like, “bro, you need to Get Your Shit Together and come home”

jump-cut to daryl having what i’m assuming is an epiphany that carol/fam have all moved on while he was out being emo, and so he decides to go be with leah, except, plot twist! she’s gone. the picture of her and her son is gone, but dog is still there. daryl leaves the note, which says, “i belong with you, find me”

for those freaking out about the wording about the note, may i remind you that she specifically asked, “do you belong x, x, or with me?” so he was just answering the question

aaaaaand back to present day

carol is like, “what do you think happened to her?” and daryl is all -shrug emoji-, and then she’s like, “...do you think she might have just...you know...left?” and daryl gets rull offended, which was kind of funny

(she probably just left, bud)

carol tells daryl to stop thinking that when people leave it’s bc of him, and connie’s name gets thrown into the mix, and daryl gets a “oh here we fucking go” look on his face, and it sets him off

he said basically what we were already spoiled for. “you just want to run, you don’t know when to stop, i shouldn’t have taken you off the boat bc you still just want to run” etc

and carol looks fucking HEARTBROKEN, which hurt me, and she goes into the other room and we end the episode with daryl staring forlornly out of the window 

the end

okay

so quick analysis

i think the significance of this episode is supposed to be so we have an understanding of why daryl is suddenly so !teamfamily, and !teamfuture, and how badly he wants carol to be there with him. at one point, one of them even says, “this isn’t about leah, or connie,” or anyone but the two of them. the title “find me” feels significant, bc the whole episode is daryl grappling with where he’s supposed to go, and what his purpose is, and by the end, he says to carol, “i know where i belong,” (implying, with her and the fam), pulling us full-circle. in the first flashback onward he is lost, but by the end he is found -cue amazing grace-

daryl and leah were flirty, but to me it felt very much like something that was just being used as daryl character development. we barely got anything that juicy between the two of them (except the fish throwing thing, that was amazing), and i still don’t think that it would make any sense, regardless of the showrunner, to pair daryl up with some rando after having so many other choices that people would have preferred. i don’t think we’re meant to #endgame ship it, so much as we are supposed to be like, “oh, ok, daryl learned the power of family and stability and leveled up, -you know what that is? growth gif-” as a result, i literally have no idea what leah’s role is gonna be in s11, but i don’t think it’ll be a huge plot point

so now we firmly know where daryl stands. he is all about moving forward, not looking back, and doing the best he can, and he’s frustrated bc when he took carol off the boat he wanted her to be in the same place as him so that they could grow together, but she wasn’t and isn’t there yet

so my guess is that what’s next for carol’s storyline is her reaching that same zen-level daryl’s at

once they’re both there, then they get to ride off into the sunset and make passionate love under the moon casting shadows over the vast desert wasteland 

whew

anyway

tl;dr: idk, episode was fine, if not kinda boring. lots of caryllels. can i go back to writing my vietnam war au now? 

the end

(stay hype, stan kang, and get daryl to call carol sweetheart 2k21),

-diz

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[artobotsrollout]

I haven't read Transformers: Exodus but based on what @optimistpax told me and rough second hand knowledge I've picked up from Tumblr it's a WILD ASS RIDE like wtf.

So here goes

TRANSFORMERS: EXODUS from someone who has never read it before

Contains Exodus spoilers and is probably wrong so read at your own risk.

-Alpha Trion is shady as fuck and pro censorship

-Megatron is still big and stupid. Also he's a hypocrite at every turn.

-Sentinel is an asshole yet apparently worth saving more than... idk.... everyone else who has died so far or been hurt by the caste system but whatever. /s

-Optimus, being smaller because he hasn't upgraded with the matrix yet, still straight up ripped a dude's head off once.

-Optimus has no idea what the fuck is going on at any given time and also feels guilty at any given moment.

-Shockwave is a mega mega dick. Starscream leaving Shockwave on Cybertron was a lovely picnic compared to what he and Megs have done to Starscream.

-Starscream has inconsistent writing and keeps flip flopping from "I may be evil but even I have standards" to "time to murder some children."

-Soundwave isn't actually that loyal out of the goodness of his spark he's a sassy bitch who is good at his job and wants his team to win.

-Decepticons have a point actually but Autobots are framed as right for SOME REASON... Like... A lot of upper class peepo join the autobots like what the fuck is that about?

-Megatron thinks that a good leader regularly punches and kills off his subjects to... Idk.. Make a point?

-Megatron never actually had very decent morals. Even in the gladiator ring he was cruel and killed unneccesarily in a 'you weren't good enough so die' kind of way.

-Cliffjumper has one whole line and poofs in when convenient

-Starscream was fucking sassy before everything went to shit for him.

-Dark energon is a plot device that has no consistency

-Megatron quite literally killed cybertron with dark energon

-The seekers keep placing bets on what Megatron will do yet they have no money.

-Skyfire joined the wreckers?!?

-Everyone keeps being major dicks about Bumblebee not having a voice box. Sometimes they just even make shit up.

-Alpha Trion, you know the dude who is supposed to be record keeper for the primes?! Is a selectively forgetful bastard who, despite being alive for it all, forgets basic ass shit.

-Even back then, Starscream rung up the autobots when Megatron took things too far and was hinted at sorta being on the verge of defecting back before TfP.

-FULL CHAPTERS IN ITALICS

-Optimus and Jazz are besties basically

-Prowl is edgy and dramatic.

-Alpha Trion is purble which I did NOT expect.

-Jazz calls Optimus "OP" and I think that's adorable.

-No other bots besides Op, Megatron, Starscream, and Jazz matter.

-Orion was named Optimus Prime by the senate before being a Primus-made prime and... despite the misgivings a lot of marginalised bots had with what the senate had become he still thought keeping the title was a good idea.

-Megatron and Optimus are basically bitter exes with how much Megatron does shit purely to spite OP.

-Prime finds all the ways to politely call Megatron stupid.

-Have I mentioned alpha trion is sketchy?/j Alpha Trion is such an unreliable narrator his picture would be definition enough for the term.

[indecisive-ness]

In my second year of high-school, a lot of interesting characters come up in this story, so I will each use letters to name them to protect their identity

[A] : the smartest guy I ever know, like dude has anecdotes for everything, and is knowledgeable in like every field, and was only allowed on the internet like, in his teens, so like, he just hoarded knowledge ig idk

[B] : Best friend from middle school, bit of a shut-in nerd, but he's cool

[C] : Guy that's really into RP, also a friend

[D] : New classmate that joined my class in October, will be important

[E] : Friend of D, has also a few problems himself with alcoholism

So

Before D's arrival, me & A got along extremely well, I even tried to campaign as class president and we figured out our votes got rigged mathematically. This will also be important

So D arrives in October and I think to myself that it'll be "great" to show them around ( God I fucking cringe at myself for that ) and we soon bond over our similar hobbies and such. I also notice that they're a bit... psychopathic ? Like they proclaim themselves to be a psychopath with a troubled life that I won't go into the details of but there were a lot of crimes listed in their backstory and my teenager was like "Oh shit that's cool af I can try & understand their psyche a bit and form new experiences" ( Wtf was wrong with me istg ) and so we also both vented about each other, and at one point we promised that if we ever hurt one another, one should kill the other ( Not a good thing to say, wtf old me... ). I also was very worried bc they kept having those episodes and those thoughts about burning their house down and me, the sane teenager that I was, got so fucking worried and apparently had a savior complex going on that I was like "I need to know where they live to like, make sure she doesn't fuck up" like yeah we're platonic friends but that doesn't justify shit dude.

Due to that, they start not liking me as much ( obviously ) but I was oblivious, and the fact they kept telling me during episodes that "No" and instead of understanding that as "No what you said was creepy af" and instead thought "No I don't feel comfortable rn, maybe another day" ( I seriously wanna fucking murder the person that I was with a sniper rifle pointed right at my forehead )

Anyways, enough is enough, and they completely cut contact with me, because I asked them to send me a dick pics of their boyfriend as a joke ( No, the "as a joke" doesn't justify shit, that shit is weird af and I have no idea what was going through my brain, I genuinely don't know why I was like that ohhhhh godddddd how I wanna fucking chuck a sharp iron fence into the side of that guy's throat to slit it )

I get depressed ( kill this mf I can't ) because I feel like I lost someone dear to me, E tells me I've lost then for good and that it's all over, and I sulk for about 2 months. The day after that whole incident, the plushie I wanted to give them as a gift for their b-day arrived, and I get double sad, hugging the plushie and getting parasocial with it ( I. Need. To. Kill. This. Individual. )

You mightve noticed how much I wanna strangle past me, and yes, you'd be correct, this is the worst version of me imaginable, fumbling every single social interaction with someone that they're more than simple friends with, and every ounce of my being wants to fucking kill him. I will calm myself about these thoughts, but know they will persist about how I feel about myself for the next 6-9 months in the story at least

So while I sulk, I get fake rumors that I'm stalking them, and I just don't have the mind to process these. Just. These 2 months honestly feel like a blur, and that I went through every emotion ever.

The thing that broke me out of the sulk was me lashing out in my class group chat about some other guy, which basically made the whole chat turn against me but they ended up forgiving me, and a classmate & I making a fake message of my history teacher, which made them call me to the headmaster's office, where I explained to them I was feeling depressed and that's when I started trying to heal and not be that much of an asshole.

After the 2 months, A told me that D was actually lying and making fake accusations and rumors and was making me look worse than I was, which made me hate them even more, but I couldn't trust them for sure

After 2 years now, I'm much better, but even the next 6 months after that whole debacle, I was doing significantly better, and was much saner, but me & D started having a sort of hate for one another, D for me being an asshole back then for fair reasons and me for D cutting me suddenly and without telling me they actually hated me, and also the fake rumors. Even if we somehow got together again thx to C, it was still boiling, and next October.

They accuses me of r#pe

Straight up.

I had a feeling thx to A that they were lying and making me believe fake stories about their psychopathy and their multiple crimes straight up, which made me feel good about my moral standpoint for being a pos back then, but by playing the columbo gambit and playing the fool that didn't remember last year at all, they basically tried to frame me for something i never did, and then were on the verge of going to the police about it. B became a mediator in the situation, and helped both of us get off of each other, but D still went to the headmaster. By then I was much better psychologically but I am unable to talk about the situation. I'm almost frozen and scared and genuinely like. I am not proud in the slightest of hurting them. I wasn't trying to justify myself, I just felt... like a monster. Like someone that should've died for these actions. Someone that shouldn't be allowed to live after all that.

Like

You mightve felt a lot of things about past me while reading this

And honestly

You're right to feel these things

But you know what my headmaster did ? After hearing all that ? She actually listened and understood how pained and fucking hateful and resentful I was, and how I actually wanted to change and move on, and she accepted. She told me to just, let the whole situation go, and so I did. I chilled. I went to therapy regularly and became a better person.

I actually healed from that

I changed.

Once I left senior year. I just felt relief. The nightmare that I cause and that I was solely responsible for was finally over. I did my duty, I served my sentence, I'm a changed man, it's done, it's over

I'm free...

And nope, I still am not free. Not because of that, I got out of that, it's all behind me, as my headmaster recently told me, but due to another thing...

Good evening Tumblr

This blog will be a collection of thoughts, regarding my personal life, my history, and my objective is especially to find people in a similar situation where I am because I've been feeling like a bird in a cage for the past 3 years and for the next years to come as well, with no end closer...

I don't know if I'll even post any tags here, I'll probably just add #cptsd stuff, as well as #Tori-thoughts alongside it

I'm just so, so tired...

[washymylifeaway]

MatsuHana fanfic recs

HI LOVES :D MatsuHana is one of my FAVORITE ships and I always love reading their fics! I’m procrastinating my other wips rn, so that do be why this is coming out rn LOL. Also that ask really made me get onto writing this, so anon thank you for sending it in LOL. There are some with VERY sensitive topics and they’re very BOLD, but I hope you all are safe while going through this list <3 (also matsuhana leans more to lots of drinking, spicy smut scenes, and teenage boy humor (like d*ck jokes and sexual innuendos) and sometimes I don’t remember to warn for that, so again CAUTION)

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

CP:

plus one by orphan_account (G) 6.1k // this fic made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside LOL. It’s also hilarious and is definitely worth a read! When will I get to share a heart shaped bed with someone :( But I really love it when they just go with the flow of things, and other people are like,,, aren’t you already dating? BUT THEY’RE LIKE UMMM NO? HSAKJSH.

rated m for by orphan_account (T) 10.7k // I love this fic it made me laugh so much throughout the whole thing! The vibes in this fic are immaculate and give me life (we love a good reunion with mystery writers), it is SO good! That’s why you should never leave/stop listening prematurely (@ iwa when he was a single dad fic). 

This gets annoying fast, Makki by Ink_stained_quills (G) 2.3k // IM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC PLS I COULD NOT STOP CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTER. This AU needs more fics PLEASE. It was SO freakin’ funny and the other teams KILLED ME. Like how they all approached the problem differently and how some of them (KUROO) asked for help LOL. Please this is so freaking funny go read it.

quidditch gloves, parchment, and custard cream by h_lovely (T) 12.4k // THIS IS SO GOOD, I love this fic. It really takes you through the emotions, and I love all the development in it!!!! Their relationship with one another (but only as homies right? ofc ofc), and even their families loving the other, this fic is so good! Read it even if you don’t like slow burn, you won’t even notice <3333

call me maybe by totooru (T) 33.6k // okay yea another (semi) chat fic,,, fight me. MatsuHana are just funny in general but throw some other characters (like Kuroo) into it and it turns into a comedy show. But the main point of this fic was like the near miss meetings and I think that the misunderstanding were hilarious (as much as I hate misunderstandings LOL).

Magical Mishaps and How to Deal by plumtrees (M) 10.9k // I lost this fic once and I searched for it FOR THE LONGEST TIME. But that’s cause I wanted to reread this masterpiece. IT’S SO FUNNY AND CUTE AND DOMESTIC AND UGH. Also the small angst made me SO SAD. But the ENDING? THE KISSES AHHHHHHH. (I’m yelling a lot BUT that’s cause I really love this fic <3333)

hang out fall in love by carafin (T) 8.6k // I love the Makki hates Mattsun initially but then falls for the irresistible charm he posses trope. It might be my favorite trope for MatsuHana specifically LOL. Like I really love this fic and it has MAGIC. It’s like a magical version of the VA one LOL. But like no radio shows or reunited best friends in this one :(

THESE ARE VERY ANGST!!!!!!!

boiled frogs by reginagalaxia (E) 91.5k // is it possible to hate a character this much? I never realized how much hate/rage I had in me. Really. Like. Imma boutta fight this MF LIKE SQUARE UP. The way I tried to manifest a fake characters death like,,,, Anyway. If my RAGE doesn’t explain how good of a freakin writer they are, then idk what will. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

Even Though it All Went Wrong by plumtrees (T) 9.2k // THIS IS THE REASON THIS POST CAME TO BE. I love this fic with all my heart (or what’s left of it). Like LOVE as in, this fic really broke me beyond just breaking me. Like. When Oikawa says what he says to Mattsun after the thing (you’re sorry __ _____ __ ____) and the Iwa right after (we know __’__ ___ ______ to make you ____ __ ____) (if you’re wondering wtf I’m putting here, just ctrl F you’re sorry and you’ll see), you cannot believe how hard that hit. GOD. (I am okay if you’re wondering :’)) This is my #1 favorite angst fic of all time and if you are okay mentally and have read the tags and warnings and are fine with them, then please read it. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

The Truth Comes Out by Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon (T) 10.2k // this made me so sad and empty after I read it. Like I just sat there being like wtf did I just read I’m sad now. Again read the tags, there is a suicide attempt but there’s also some cheating in this one. This one also ends happy. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS, THERE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!

New:

kiyala // this writer has a LOT of fluffy MatsuHana and I really love their works! It’s just all (for the most part) really cute and there’s a lotta blurred lines and boundaries that get cleared up (they define what their relationship is but with ~love~) in their fics :) My fav? Making Sense by kiyala (T) 1.5k // it’s very cute and I am one who loves when things just fall into place :D

tookumade // this writer has some of MY FAVORITE MatsuHana fics in it and I’m kinda really sad I don’t get to ramble on about them here :( (dw I will elsewhere LOL) If I had to choose, I would say Remind Me by tookumade (T) 28.6k and Zenith, Nadir by tookumade (T) 10.7k were my absolute favorites, but I cannot choose between them so don’t make me.

plumtrees // I LOVE THIS WRITER OMG. Again, someone who has written my all time FAVORITE fics (did I mention OF ALL TIME?) and I’ve obsessively read some of them too many times :’) Because I already recommended my other faves above, Captured Light by plumtrees (T) 3.5k will be my acting favorite rn. It’s really cute and depicts some really sweet moments between MatsuHana too!

h_lovely // this writer has SO MANY GOOD FICS! I really love their series and their getting together fics are all SO GOOD UGH. I recommended my favorite teen one above, but the other ones I loved are explicit so just check out this writer in general LOL. (I REALLY love mirror flower, water moon, it’s my favorite but it’s E cause some smexy scene happen, but it’s really SO good omfg. Also the roses series IS AMAZING as well!!!!)

cream puffs and carnations; by crossbelladonna (series) 11.6k // AU SERIES!!! I love the AU’s in this series and I really liked the prompts they chose for this MatsuHana week :D My favorite from this series might’ve been there he is again by crossbelladonna (T) 1.6k cause a) I love the mattsun hc in this (for his appearance) and b) IT’S CUTE :D I definitely related to Makki and his not very subtle crushing, and also I like the IwaOi + Makki as friends trope (and then they meet Mattsun), if you couldn’t tell yet LOL.

on the anatomy of crushes by carafin (T) 2.3k // (kinda cp but not LOL) it’s very short and cute and I love it a lot LOL. I love medical AU’s (even though it’s very back burner LOL), but also, like Mattsun saves the day is the move. Like the dedication he has even going on the bus? Especially for a guy? Amazing. I could never :’)

Parallel Lines by orphan_account (T) 16.3k // IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE CONSTANTLY. I hate math. Just putting that out here. And while it’s a math fic, IT? IS? SO? GOOD???? And like I love it when characters are smart, like I love intelligent characters so like this was just ajndf. (also same Mattsun, I am allergic to normal math.) 

live it up, drink it in by punybastard (T) 2.1k // GAH this one! This is a pretty iconic fic in MatsuHana hell (in my personal opinion) and if I didn’t have that two fic limit on my staple fics, this would be there. I really loved the ending of it (v cute and v well done), but also the small side stories that were inserted made it all the more entertaining :D (aka the volleyball) But they are drinking underage, so if you’re not about that BE WARNED.

it's cold out here by bishounen_curious (M) 8.6k // PLEASE I LOVE THIS FIC. YES READ YESYESYES READ. OKAY FIRST check tags and warnings, there’s a lot going on in this fic. Like don’t be stupid like them, drinking underage, and don’t do drugs not a good idea very very bad. Aside from that, I am in love with sad sad sad Makki (along with stupid IwaOi) and him being a sad drunk made me ajhkjdfs. Just read it and feel the akfnakjs with me LMFAO.

poolside by tothemoon (T) 4.1k // I’m starting this out with I LOVE the ending and I REALLY LOVE the way this confession panned out. It’s such a great concept and it made me ajhfldshf inside!!! Also, recursive endings are some of my favorites (if you couldn’t already tell LOL), and I think it really makes something so nostalgic and adds depth to a fic.

The Courage of Stars by FairyLights101 (T) 7.1k // AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS FIC YES!!!! OKAY TW CANCER THERE’S CANCER IN THIS NO DEATH JUST PAIN and chemo (which basically is pain). Some controversy, but the angst part of me wanted him to die DONT GET ME WRONG, I’m glad he lived, but like imagine. I really love this fic, and his efforts in the bucket list were admirable :’)

we could be the greatest team by anyadisee (T) 5.7k // it’s my crack fic :D Yes, this is just Seijoh messing around, boys being boys, relationships being compared with other relationships. No pining, just me with my established relationships (and Iwa fanclubs cause those are a thing. ALWAYS).

Wet Your Whistle by darkmagicalgirl (E) 5.4k // SMUT ALERT okay but like while it’s a major plot point (lmfao I can’t believe myself), the storyline itself is good. Also, I’m all here for bartender Makki and tattoo Makki and not subtle at all Makki and basically everything Makki. I like banter and stupidity okay?

[obnoxious clucking noises] by parenthetic (renaissance) (T) 3.4k // some more crack fic for you <3333 Literally, just idiots being idiots. That’s the fic. LMFAO but seriously, I would like to participate as well,,,,, I have yet to lose a game of gay chicken cause of my lack of fear akdjaslk.

that's what you get (for waking up in vegas) by skittidyne (T) 4.2k // THIS IS SO FUNNY. I love Elvis cause he’s always officiating marriages in my fics LMFAO. But also IwaOi in this added some real nice comedy, and overall another crack fic but I really liked this one (AGAIN LMFAO).

A Bouquet of Flours by guyfierimpreg (G) 5.2k // first I want to know how they got the flour to scream, I just can’t figure it out so if anyone would like to send me pictures that’d be great. Second, they would do this bs and this is all canon. I said what I said, and I don’t take criticism. Like, matsuhana best parents proven by the magical mishaps fic (LMAO).

texting (with a capital S) by parenthetic (renaissance) (M) 2.1k // okay I just wanted to say that the accuracy in the math stuff being mentioned makes me feel like this writer was in calc ab or something and that’s trauma right there. Anyways, it’s a texting fic kinda sorta getting together kinda sorta not? Idk how to explain it, but it was funny and then smut LMFOAJIAHFSJS (the derail was just like IwaOi in gay chicken, someone call the police LMFAO).

nebulas by tothemoon (T) 10.8k // I like the casualness of it. Like the confession was just so casual (smooth Mattsun) and like the progression was GOOD. Like, it’s a very poetic fic and there’s lots of thinking of deeper meaning, but its still got some comedy sprinkled throughout. I really loved the flow of it!!!!

my heart beats for contract law by orphan_account (T) 4.4k // I too would have a breakdown over school (me pretending like I haven’t already done that ahaha), but I really love so many things about this fic! Everything was just so ajsdfljdsn and I really love the 3 part plan Mattsun comes up with :DDDD (esp pt 3). Also, to propose while having an emotional breakdown at 3am in a McDonalds drive through. A mf dream.

Reflex by hiuythn (T) 2.3k // PLEASE IF THEY DIDN’T MEET AT HS THIS WOULD BE CANON ASF. You cannot tell me you don’t think this would not be cannon asf. They would meet like this. Also poor Teuchi stuck in the middle of all of this. I haven’t watched naruto, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is random emotional sexual bonding over something. That is important. (THE ENDING AJKFHKJ)

You're in Pink (and I'm in blue) by Hyeyu (T) 4.4k // whooooo Hanahaki whooo anyway, despite how it seems, I like the hanahaki trope. I don’t fully understand it sometimes (most of the time tbh), but it adds some nice angst and desperate confessions, and I do appreciate those :D Honestly, I really liked the way this fic panned out, and I felt really bad for Iwa LOL.

stranger things by tinypersonhotel (G) 10.2k // I really like this one :D:D:D I love Makki + Oikawa friendship and they’re really the best to each other :’) The ending was satisfying, and the PLOT omg. It was SO good. I feel like I say this a lot though LOL, but I’m just really into fics with good plot progression (or else I don’t read them OOPS).

something of a disaster by latenights (T) 1.4k // chaos ahahhaha. Another crack fic? I hope no one is surprised LOL. It’s just a really short and simple, cute getting together fic with a LOT of insults LOL. I love this one in particular, “Tooru’s dinner special”.

snakes, meth labs and something like love by orphan_account (G) 3.6k // THE ROOMMATE AD PLEASE. I honestly would never think Oikawa would get a snake, but that doesn’t matter LOL. This was me indulging myself in the makki IwaOi best friends and mattsun stranger agenda but it’s a great agenda okay? It’s a good fic and there’s a microwaved fish :D

Lemonade by carriecmoney (T) 4.1k // okay once again, responsible drinking and don’t drink underage bad idea smh. But MatsuHana just making out where they want? I could see that. Yeah. Anyway, as much as public make out seshes make me *gag* feel embarrassed, what made me feel more *gag* embarrassed was the fact that the girls? just? stood? there? Like why are you watching this. Is that just me? I feel like they should’ve left smh.

surprise, surprise by airblends (T) 7.6k // some more pining and dancing around the issue whoooo. As much as I hate them not getting to the point (almost as much as I hate misunderstandings), it was a great fic. This is nosebleed c*ck block (idk if I needed to censor that but I did fight me).

A God for Every Season by timkons (T) 18.4k // I love the Hades and Persephone trope! Okay, I just love mythology leave me be, but anyway I really love a lot of this fic. Like how Mattsun thinks it’s a little brighter with Makki? CUTE I LOVE. But also, the fish funeral is ridiculous but also very on brand for Oikawa. And some BokuKuroo (idk is that their ship) in here as well :DDD

The Best/Worst Places to Cry in the City by AngryKitten (T) 4.4k // literally it is the title. Just you know, looking for the best place to cry in the city,,,, I’d like to say, don’t cat call people cause we’re not about that here. Even if it worked out for them, just don’t do it :/ Also don’t follow strangers. I feel like that’s a given but jic ya know?

this isn't exactly how i thought i'd be spending my adult years by jadedpearl (NR) 7.5k // okay petty Makki is yes and so is my Makki + IwaOi agenda LOL. (I’m thriving here can’t you tell? Yes regular skype/phone calls constantly) Anyway, blackouts and sickness really be here getting people together. (I’m asking nicely, nike.) And Makki is smooth with his words. (SHORTER MEN MADE ME LAUGH)

chocolate by tellalie (T) 3.6k // the dedication in this fic was amazing. Like making a whole a cake? Someone go do that for me. (For mankind.) Fake dating is really something else, but fake dating to out gag your best friends? Seems like I need to step up my game (but no seriously, my best friends are PDA monsters I hate it here). Also practice confessions are wack.

FINALLY I MADE IT. You don’t know how many times I almost gave up on finishing LMFAO. Is this my longest list? Idk. But I just know that I would’ve finished faster if I didn’t end up rereading almost every fic on this list LMFAO. Like no seriously I almost had to make a post saying this wouldn’t be coming out cause I got distracted by one of the longer fics (I’m blaming Mirror Flower, Water Moon specifically). But I hope you enjoyed this, and once again go thank that anon for spurring me into finishing this list LMFAO (am I a horse? Yea, probably but if one thing, I’m not sturdy).

[janiedean]

I feel bad for all the nice J*nsa shippers who like their ship for whatever reasons (tropes, pretty art, aesthetic appeal, whatever) and know it's not canon but get associated with the misogynistic Dany hating crowd who act like Jon being attracted to Ygritte is J*nsa foreshadowing because red hair (I guess Jon should fuck Edmure Tully too? Omg give me Dark!Jon getting revenge on Catelyn by seducing her brother!) Tell me something. I'm new to the fandom but was J*nsa popular before the show? And I've heard something about the OG J*nsa shippers being alienated by the new shippers who insisted it had to be canon and acted like the series is called, "A song of J*nsa #danysux." I don't find that hard to believe because I know people who are now ashamed of calling themselves J*nsa shippers. Like, at this point, it's not only rival shippers who hate it. Even Gendrya/Braime/Jon stans/etc have started disliking that ship. You know your fandom is a problem when people who have nothing to do with Jnsa have a problem with it.

me: reads this ask

me: iwastheregandalf.gif which I can't find now but

okay anon buckle up because I am sadly well-equipped to answer this ask but before I do lemme tell you dark jon seducing edmure to take revenge on cat is LITERALLY THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD but *clears throat* ALL RIGHT THEN.

disclaimer: as anon says I have no issue with like the shippers mentioned by anon in the beginning and ngl I agree, I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKING STAKES in the j*nsa vs j*nerys war and the only het jon ship I gaf about is jon/ygritte and we all know where that ended up I just... have been here since 2011/adwd was over and all the fic around was just for the books under secret lj communities and asoiaf qualified for yuletide and I have... seen... things.... and I actually have like uh had... beef... with some people in there and I know things bc ppl who hated those others told me stuff so anyway *sigh* buckle up anon I'mma tell you the story of jon shipwars through the years

in order, the old gods help me here, under the cut bc this is long as fuck

when I got into fandom also given what numbers were on ao3 one ship was popular and it was sansan. no like sansan was lit. the only asoiaf ship on ao3 with more than 200 fics. jb had twenty when i checked first. jc had like around 100-ish because of the show but sansan dwarfed anything. I posted the first jon/ygritte fic on the ao3 tag and the fourth throbb fic and like the others were all reposts from lj kinkmemes. nothing was popular before the show except for sansan when it comes to huge numbers bc grrm doesn't like fic and it was all hush hush until the show made it impossible to control and that ship was the one with a huge enough fanbase it actually had numbers, so like... j*nsa wasn't popular in the way nothing else was popular until it got screentime on the show

now, that stated, j*nsa had a... fair amount of fic for a rareship which was mostly book-based and from og shippers that were there from before the show and liked it for what it was but literally none of them thought it was gonna be canon, like it wasn't huge or anything but it had a small but dedicated fanbase who did their own thing and thought it was fun/liked the idea but that was it

that fandom had their own niche of hcs that they cultivated and shit except that like... at the end of S5/beginning of S6 there was a surge in shipping for... well obvious reasons bc it was obv sansa was getting to the wall and that would have been all nice and good but a) it was the time puritanical shipping was starting to take root and the 'shipping sansa with sandor or tyrion is hella problematic' rhetoric had started to circle coming from sans*ery shippers mostly but I'mma not open that fucking can of worms here, b) while the ending of S5 had more of a theon/sansa spike, the j*nsa stuff started getting big

now here we have to mention my villain origin story ie: j*nsa fandom had this one stan whose name I won't make because honestly it's been years and if she's still around I don't want her to remember I exist who was a bnf, wrote for... the website that created the whole larry/carol thing etc who was really fixed on this thing that j*nsa was actually canon and started writing extremely popular meta about it. now you're gonna ask how do you know, I know because this person once wrote a meta named 'why robb stark is a dick' and I told her that it was really fucking bad meta and she took it so badly she kept on trash talking me on her blog/her podcast (I was apparently the insane robb stark fangirl l m a o good lord) and like that was when some sane ppl who argued with her informed me in pvt that she was basically harping on the CANON thing when they'd have been okay with like... it being crackshipping and that she was basically cultivating a hoarde of followers who were harping on them/the ogs and basically ostracizing them;

I would like to add that this person - before her tumblr got 'accidentally deleted' and remade it therefore deleted most receipts for, er, her so-called meta which included stuff like ned and cat raised sansa as a sexual object and only wanted to sell her like cattle - had at some point started a round robin fic thing where... some of the characters mocked openly said stuff that some of the og fans had said specifically targeting them and people in that side basically went harassing anyone who didn't agree with that specific notion

now never mind that this person basically coined an entire term to describe ppl who liked white guys and excused all their wrongdoings out of my conversation re robb basically lying about everything I said as if I didn't have the receipts and tried to sell shirts with it and it didn't work and like then she got kicked out of her own website because she was telling her commenters disagreeing pretty shitty insults (considering I was called psychotic for disagreeing with her that time I don't doubt it) I think at some point she stepped back from fandom bc idk wtf she's up to these days and I don't want to, but basically at that point the dam was broken and there was a bunch of puritanical shippers harping on anyone who didn't agree with j*nsa is canon endgame stuff

this also includes an incident when those ppl were like... passing themselves as throbb shippers and ended up trying to tell t*hramsay shippers off the theon tag based on moral reasons and I ended up arguing with all of them (and they were all from that crowd) which in turn landed me in contact with other og j*nsa shippers who were like detached from that fandom bc those same people harassed them away as well ssooooo fun

anyway when S6 happened everyone was high on it and whatnot but I wasn't gonna begrudge them that I mean... you shipped it for years, canon is delivering you, good for you, but then j*nerys happened

god j*nerys happened

aaand basically...... I mean personally I was there like are y'all seriously arguing about the best incest jon ship out there but like basically the j*nsa endgame side was like AH JON IS PLAYING DANY SEE IF IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, the j*nerys obv got defensive af and both sides were sort of alternatively shitting on jon/ygritte anyway and depicting any other romantic rship jon could have as abusive™ and during S8 it just got worse and like I tried to stay out of it but basically from what I'm seeing now idk how the j*neryses are doing but on the j*nsa one it's ah jon's gonna play dany anyway and she's going to go insane like in the show so SHOW TRUTHING EVERY OTHER WAY and like again denying that sandor exists or that tyrion exists and like I barely touch my corner (sansan) but I ended up arguing with j*nsa/th*nsa people on twitter who were antis and is2g it was white-hair inducing and I know for sure the sansa/tyrion shippers were harassed to hell and back throughout so FUN

and even if the show didn't go there now since everyone there banked on the jnsa endgame thing and admitting you're wrong is like... not a thing, they still haven't let go of it and attach to that ship any shred of evidence which honestly is grasping at straws half of the time (like... the sansa/alysanne parallels like guys please no) and which is why every other ship is starting to get fed up, attaching canon proof of stuff from other ships onto theirs see that batb argument and jb is platonic but jonsa is not nvm taking all the sansan stuff and throwing it on j*nsa but then denying that sansan has canon evidence (like guys I had to read sansa touching his shoulder when saying gregor wasn't a true knight wasn't meaningful and we were seeing things please) and blah blah blah

this also goes hand in hand with the fixation on like... villanizing dany at all costs and like is2g I have zero investment in dany or her storyline I don't even remember it and I don't particularly care abt her either way and sure af I'm not for j*nerys endgame but like.... some stuff I read is completely excessive esp when fixing on how she's a completely mad tyrant who's gonna have to be put down and like... guys no

(also there's some srs stannis hate in that corner which I honestly don't get why they even care abt stannis but I had to read stuff like ppl don't recognize that dany and stannis are the real villains in this saga and like........ idek)

I think most of the og shippers are gone or don't ship it openly bc they don't want to be attached to the drama but like I also think they're pissing off everyone else bc like... I mean a bunch of them also were down with sansa being paired with other ppl as long as it meant a good ending for her except those ppl were... like everyone but the ppl she has actual contact with in canon which meant that at some point sansa/gendry was a thing and like.... you can imagine why arya/gendry shippers & arya stans were fed up, and there's also this tendency to behave like sansa is the center of the entire saga which like these books is named a song of jon snow basically can we pls make peace with it and personally I've had it with both j*nsa and j*nerys people since they started with that dumbass JON/YGRITTE WAS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP rhetoric but I'm also fed up with the total ignoring that sandor exists/depicting us as delusional and honestly I also was by proxy fed up from the harassing of the sansa/tyrion shippers soooooooooooo

there were also instances of 'well theon is an acceptable choice other than jon bc he can't threaten her' which... i mean we all know what that meant and I'm not even commenting it bc it's one AM and I have no force to but I don't have to explain why it's not a progressive take now do I

there were also metas about how cousin incest being legal in half of the world means that jondany is a worse incest and j*nsa doesn't count as such and I was basically there like guys please just fucking own up to it but honestly I chose to forgot where I read that and I couldn't find the link if I tried

tldr: no one wants to admit that it's not gonna be endgame which considering the amount of fic they have on ao3 is imvho useless bc they have more content than like.. anything I ship that's not jb or that's actually like canon *cries in joncon/rhaegar but I mean renly/loras is canon and has less fic than them* so idk what's the problem with enjoying that instead of insisting it's gonna be canon when not even the show validated it while show truthing anyway when the only show truthing that can be truthed is the small council made of minorities and possibly jon eventually fucking off with the wildlings but not like that but like most people who thought it wasn't gonna be endgame had left/were made to leave by the time S7 rolled by and at this point since wow isn't out yet everyone is fandom-grasping at straws to find stuff to discourse on and we're here beating dead horses *shrug*

so that's... how it is but I would again like to point out that I don't judge ppl on their shipping, I don't particularly care about this entire feud bc I only ship jon with ppl he's not related to in whichever way and I try to stay out of this mess bc I don't really care to argue with ppl who have already decided to bend canon to whatever they want and will have to realize that it's not what grrm wrote at some point but like I have a very good memory and the above rant is as objective as possible also bc again I don't literally have a stake in that race I just think romantic/endgame j*nsa is not a thing and that ppl should stay in their lane and not harping on other ppl who ship whatever in general but especially when their ship is the most popular thing in fandom in the first place /two cents