#banana nice cream

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 18

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Weirdly enough the only thing that FF can think of as they head down the stairs is the first Saw movie.

That one happened IN a bathroom right? He kind of watched all of them in a row to prepare himself for whatever Andrew might decide to do to him. But he’s near positive that one happened in a bathroom. It was derelict and he didn’t think it really had running water (or did it? Didn’t the guy wake up in a half-full tub? His memory is hazy in his bathroom related desperation and may be trying to protect him from thinking about water).

All leading to the main thought going through his head as he slowly headed down the narrow stairway to his death.

Would Andrew let him use the facilities before he’s handcuffed to a pipe?

The worst part about all of this is that he is not sure if he needs to take a dump or if he just needs to fart, he knows he has to take a piss. He’s read that when you die your body will relax and it’ll all just flow out of you and Nicky gave him these pants so he feels bad but he also does not want to face his death without pants. If he needs to take a shit then they’re definitely going to be absolutely ruined, if it’s a fart well…Andrew can’t kill him any further? He can mutilate his corpse a little but FF won’t be around to experience it.

No matter what he’s definitely going to piss himself. He had way too much water at Sweeties trying to consume the spicy ice cream.

You may be wondering why FF has not run away from his predicament and is walking down these steps without protest or comment or plea for his life.

First of all he is pretty sure that if he makes any sudden movements he will ruin these pants that Nicky bought for him. Second of all Andrew had already told him once that he wouldn’t accept any pleading for mercy he still remembers how he asked Andrew, “Please give me back my pen?” and Andrew had shot him a look that had his stomach cramp and his fingers itch for the bottle sweet pink relief in his backpack.

“I don’t like that word, don’t use it around me.” He said.

FF ever the pragmatic sort, “Which one?” He had asked because he had said a few, “I don’t want there to be a misunderstanding.” He followed up with when Andrew glowered at him only for the glare’s intensity to increase 10 fold.

“Don’t use the first word of your first statement or the last word of your second.” Andrew grit out and got up to leave without a word.

Message received loud and clear Andrew did NOT like words ‘Please’ or ‘Misunderstanding’.

So FF knows that any pleading for mercy would ABSOLUTELY result in Andrew not letting him take a bathroom break before him and Captain Neil make destroying him into a couple activity. The fact that Captain Neil is here is a bit of a shock but maybe Captain Neil has finally gotten the other Freshman Dealer up to snuff.

Maybe Kevin really did want to dissect him to figure out how Strikers keep passing straight to him?

They reach the door at the bottom of the stairs.

Ah, time to face the music.

At least he’d texted Gran that he was going to die when they had gotten into the club and the bathroom had not made itself readily apparent. Sure it was about his current ‘gotta piss / gotta shit’ situation but he’d been wise to keep his cause of death vague in that text.

The door opens and…

This is the NICEST torture chamber FF has EVER seen. (And after his desperation watch of all the Saw movies he has seen quite a FEW)

“Minyard, Josten, and Guest. Table 6 is yours.” A voice comes from the side and when he looks over there’s a man in quite a nice uniform standing behind a soft-lit bar polishing a glass looking every bit like a bar tender at those high-end places you see in movies. He looks around a bit more and there are some other people down here. It’s not quiet per se but it is a comfortable level of noise in comparison to the IQ dropping noise upstairs.

“C’mon Smith.” Andrew juts his chin towards a table in the back.

FF follows but continues to try and fit this nice little room into his world view.

Do these people watch other people get tortured to death for fun on a Friday night? Unlikely considering the upholstery on the booths and chairs looked like it’d stain if blood got on it. Was this perhaps a trafficking location where Andrew would sell off his organs to the highest bidder? He looked at the other patrons who seemed a bit higher class than the general club scene upstairs but not like they had the money to buy one of his kidneys. Maybe-

“Do not tell Nicky about this place, ever.” Andrew says as they slide into the booth. FF nods but can’t help but tilt his head slightly in an unspoken question, “He would absolutely tell any and everyone about it. Eden’s wants to keep this place a secret from the general public.” Andrew explains.

“Nicky currently thinks that there’s a straight swingers club down here.” Captain Neil says with a huff of laughter.

“Eden’s is cool, even though there’s some sick shit in the basement.” Floats through his head again.

What the fuck was a swinger?

His fingers itch for his phone but he’s currently talking with Andrew and Captain Neil so that’d be rude but they’re talking to him like he absolutely knows what a swinger is and he DOES NOT.

“It’s quieter down here. Figured you’d prefer it.” Andrew says as he gets up and heads towards the bar down here where the bartender was aggressively cutting ice chunks.

He and Captain Neil sit in silence for a few seconds before Captain Neil offers him a slight smile, “I know you’d rather be with your grandma and you and Andrew prefer not to say things out loud but we’ve really liked hanging out with you.” Captain Neil says.

????????????????????????????????????????????????

That’s such a nice thing to say to someone.

Especially someone like FF.

Especially especially when they’re planning on killing him?

He hopes his confusion stays off his face as he nods once. “It’s been fun.” It’s not even really a lie. Thanksgiving yesterday had been nice and loud and FF had missed the chaos of a Family Dinner more than he had ever realized. The car ride had been…a time but once he’d asked Andrew to either keep his eyes on the road or let him out Andrew’s hands had stayed at 10 and 2 and the ride had been smooth. Aaron and Nicky’s weight against him had been nice too, a warm memory before he developed a possible life long aversion to whipped cream. He’d gotten to go Black Friday shopping and Captain Neil even helped carry it home for him. Baking bad been nice even if the stress of doing it with his life on the line was less so. The subsequent nap and day spent doing normal college guy things had been…it’d all been nice.

It’s starting to feel like….

“Drink this.” Andrew puts a drink down in front of him.

No Andrew definitely wants his bladder to burst.

“What is it?” He asks instead looking at the creamy looking drink with suspicion.

Andrew rolls his eyes as he hands Neil a fruity looking drink as he sits with what is a few fingers of scotch. “It’s virgin.” Andrew says not answering the question at all and must pick up that FF won’t be drinking it until he gets the full answer because he continues after a moment, “It’s like a Pina Colada but with bananas instead.” Andrew answers.

It’s not that FF hates banana but why in the world would Andrew grab him this? Was it just one of the few virgins options on this place’s fancy menu or-

“Bananas will help get your stomach acid back down.” Andrew says, “Since you’re an idiot and ate that mango ice cream just because you wanted to impress that girl.” He rolls his eyes.

“Impress that girl?” There weren’t any girls at the table and how in the world would him eating that god-forsaken spicy ice cream impress anyone other than Betsy. Even Betsy would only be impressed by the depths he was willing to reach just to avoid what he perceives as an awkward social situation.

“The waitress.” Neil reminds him as if that cleared anything up.

“Yeah,” he says as if he has understood the conversation but he has not. “It was spicy mango.” He says because maybe if he keeps the conversation going he’ll get enough context clues to understand what might be his last conversation.

Andrew let out a huff of laughter and pushed FF’s drink closer to him, “Drink your fancy Banana smoothie Casanova.” He says.

No closer to understanding the conversation he accepts that it might be something that only becomes clear after he sheds his mortal coil and is no longer given a -10 INT debuff by his full bladder and revolting stomach.

He takes a sip.

Oh that’s actually pretty good.

It feels like he can feel it sizzling in his stomach and soothing the discomfort there. Maybe he should look into Banana smoothies as a replacement for what Abby has called a ‘concerning co-dependence’ in regards to Pepto Bismol. No one can put him on a medical watch if it’s just banana smoothies he’s chugging down like they’re going out of style.

“Thanks,” he says, “that was good.” He admits before reaching into his jacket and moving past the Megamind toy and grabbing his wallet. “What do I owe you for that?” He asks.

“We’re even.” Andrew waves away the money.

“You bought the stuff for breakfast, those brownies, and the pie tomorrow.” Neil says and FF blinks surprised to hear that they were talking about the pie he didn’t think he was going to get the chance to make.

“You don’t need to buy a spot with us.” Andrew says and FF leans back slightly at the intensity on Andrew’s face as he says it. “I invited you here because I wanted to. The brownies were good but if you don’t feel like making the pie tomorrow? It’s not like I’m going to drive you back to Palmetto and leave you on Abby’s doorstep.” He says.

FF feels gears start to turn in his head.

“It’s good pie.” He hears himself say.

“I didn’t even know about the pie when I invited you.” Andrew says and…

Andrew and FF sit in silence but honestly it’s not like Andrew’s sharpening his knives. The two of them mostly just do their own work or read. FF has been getting his German literacy up to snuff so that he can read the language when he goes there to visit Nicky’s fiance next year. He likes how serious Andrew is about learning it so that he doesn’t have to ask Captain Neil a thousand questions and it’d be nice if Andrew wasn’t obviously planning on murdering him.

Andrew brings dried apples and sends Captain Neil along with probiotic yogurts to their meetings. Both of those things tend to soothe his stomach and the yogurt that had been unflavored before was now vanilla which he liked a fair bit. It would have been a really nice gesture if it wasn’t for the fact that Andrew was making fun of his tummy troubles.

Andrew will put his foot down in practice sometimes when Kevin is getting too demanding wanting to know exactly how FF intercepted his passes to Neil. Kevin always backs off and Andrew will do the same when Jack starts to get a little too personal in his attacks at FF or when Sheena decides she’s going to be a bitch. It’d be nice if it wasn’t Andrew staking his claim that he was the one who was going to make FF’s life miserable.

Andrew drove FF around for an hour after Greg had shown up. He found out later from one of his friends that Andrew had threatened Greg after he had power walked away into the building. Andrew had driven him around and had only started heading towards the tower when FF had relaxed. It would have been nice if Andrew wasn’t trying to lure him into a false sense of security.

Andrew had invited him to his Family’s house over Thanksgiving when the bad storm had ruined his Thanksgiving plans. Andrew had threatened Jack to stop him from eating his Grandma’s pie and complaining about it. Andrew had stopped messing around with Captain Neil when FF had made it clear he was uncomfortable being in a car where the driver wasn’t paying attention to the road. Andrew had twice made him go to bed in the last couple hours.

It’d be nice if…

“We’ve really liked hanging out with you” Captain Neil had said.

Andrew was just trying to be nice.

Embarrassment rolls over him like a wave but FF has many years of pretending like he’s not going to die from embarrassment, “Thanks for inviting me. I’ll still probably make the pie tomorrow.” He offers.

Andrew’s eyes change slightly and FF is under the impression that he’s happy to hear that.

“Just enjoy your drink Smith.” Andrew says.

FF does go back to sipping his drink and letting more and more memories of things Andrew had done come to him and lets his embarrassment grow.

He finishes his drink and only then realizes that he is a code red in terms of bladder capacity. The new knowledge that this is not a torture chamber but in fact yet another overture of friendship from Andrew paired with his desperation finally loosens the question from his mouth, “Where’s the bathroom here?” He asks.

“There isn’t one downstairs but just head up stairs and hug the wall to the left.” Captain Neil answers.

“Bring your phone. If Frank doesn’t recognize you to let you back in.” Andrew reminds him.

FF nods and heads out of the club and up the stairs.

He might be doing a bit of a potty dance so he forces himself to become unnoticeable because he does not need cool people at a cool club to see him about to piss himself. Once he enters into a stealth mode that the United States Military would like to talk to him about he hugs the wall and nearly cries tears of relief when he sees a door labelled MEN.

He doesn’t think about the possibility of letting up on stealth mode because he is sure that he is about to make a face that he does NOT want any human being to see when he unzips his pants and starts to take the world’s most life-affirming piss on the planet.

As his bladder empties his brain is able to process the understanding that he had come to down in the basement he had thought would be his final resting place.

Andrew has been trying to be nice (and succeeding it was all so nice! He feels like an asshole! He is an asshole! Gran always told him that assuming makes an Ass out of U and Me. He had just thought it was funny grandma humor not valuable life advice!)

The night wasn’t going to end with Andrew’s knife in his stomach, it was probably just going to end with Nicky puking on his shoes (which is fine because these are the shoes Nicky was letting him borrow for the club anyways, they’re his shoes to puke onto.)

A secondary relief fills his system. His stomach, soothed by the Banana smoothie and now this, feels like it might actually let him live through the night.

While FF was distracted with a piss that would have made any number of cult leaders jealous with the number of divine revelations he was experiencing he failed to notice a second man enter the bathroom.

There was a reason that FF always ALWAYS became noticeable when he was at a urinal and the man who came to the urinal right next to him was showcasing that VERY reason.

He was trapped here for at least ten more seconds and he could hear the man grumbling distractedly but didn’t really pay it too much attention until…

“Fucking Wesninski Brat.” He grumbled under his breath.

Oh god dammit.

NEXT

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

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[fattributes]

Cream Cheese Swirled Banana Bread

[noirandchocolate]

*sipping banana whiskey on a Wednesday night*

What if…guys what if. The Yiga Clan’s Blademaster exam historically wasn’t really that easy. What if Tears of the Kingdom simplified it (Doylist explanation) or the Clan changed and simplified it over the 100 years since the start of the Calamity for some reason (Watsonian explanation)?

Because. It just feels too easy. Even if the person attempting it isn’t Link, with access to fast-travel points and sky islands to drop from. The guy at the Blademaster Station who’s apparently in charge of administering the test even marks the locations of the frog statues on Link’s map! Come on. That’s too easy. And has nothing to do with swordsmanship either! It can’t be that simple.

*pours another shot*

Yeah I think…. There’s got to be more to it. Or there was. Way back when. (My primary headcanon focus is always on AoC timeline anyway.) I think! The banana offerings are just the first part. And the statutes are placed new for every candidate. And you have to journey about to find them yourself. It’s meant to test your scouting, perception, and overall survival skills, to make sure you’ll be useful on missions outside the Valley. Can you spot the statues? Climb/teleport up the cliffs? Be in the harsh wilderness of the Highlands and desert for a period of time? (Don’t worry, there’s always (more or less) someone around monitoring you, you (probably) won’t die, they’ll grab you and you’ll just fail the test attempt.)

But then if you can do it, that’s not all. I think! The exam has also got to include tests with the two-handed weapons Blademasters traditionally wield: the windcleaver and eightfold longblade. Tests on technique and form, performing certain strokes, draw speed, things like that. There would also be tests on the arcane arts like the Earthwake technique.

And then—!

You have a match with the Right Hand! Who’s the lead Blademaster teacher/mentor. You don’t have to beat them of course (and in the case of Sooga, you probably wouldn’t), you have to impress them. Hold your own. Get a hit in where you can. Show off everything you know, against the person who probably taught you a lot of it.

Oh and then if you manage to succeed at that?

You fight Master Kohga. And try to do the same. Imagine! Having to try countering all that magic, all that power! It’s a true test, to make absolutely sure you’re good enough for one of the elite martial positions in the Clan!

Afterward, the Master and Right Hand confer and make the final decision whether you pass and become a Blademaster or not. And then you get given your official blade (either type, your choice) and a lil’ feast/party to celebrate you joining the ranks.

*downs the rest of the drink*

Anyway that’s what I think.

(I also think it would’ve been fun in TotK if passing the exam earned you not just a pristine eightfold longblade (easily breakable and lost) but info on the locations of more Clan branches you could travel to to get the pieces of an actual Blademaster armor. Like you could do some kinda additional lil’ quests to get them, to make it more interesting/worthwhile. The Footsoldier-style armor gives you stealth and a set bonus nighttime speed boost for that light fast build. Maybe the Blademaster one could give stealth but the set bonus is proficiency with two-handed weapons? Either letting you swing them faster or they all get a little attack+ bonus?)

*waves glass on my way to bed* ANYWAY THAT’S WHAT I THINK.

[askwhatsforlunch]

Hazelnut Honey Nice Cream

The sunshine and warmth are finally here to linger it seems, and it's reason enough to celebrate with a frozen treat, I reckon! This quickly whipped and delicious Hazelnut Honey Nice Cream is just the thing! Happy Thursday!

Ingredients (makes about 1 cup; serves 1):

1 large Frozen Banana

1 tablespoon Hazelnut Honey (an Aromiel, a mixture of good Sologne Honey and ground hazelnuts I brought back from Chambord; or combine 3/4 tablespoon honey with 1/4 tablespoon ground hazelnuts)

2 tablespoons semi-skimmed milk

a tablespoon unsalted sunflower seeds, for garnish (optional)

Honey, for drizzling (optional)

Place Frozen Banana slices in a food processor. Add Hazelnut Honey. Process on high speed, gradually adding milk, until mixture is paler, smooth, and the texture of just-churned ice cream.

Serve Hazelnut Honey Nice Cream immediately for a soft serve, sprinkled with sunflower seeds and drizzled with honey, if desired; or freeze a couple of hours in a sealed container.

[awesome-recipes101]

Blueberry Nice Cream

2-3 servings

To make this nice cream you need a food processor or high-speed blender.  It might take several minutes to turn the frozen bananas and blueberries into the nice cream.  There is no sweetener needed but you can add some if you want. 

This Nice Cream can be served as soft serve or put in the freezer to get it firmer.

Ingredients:

3 frozen bananas, cut in coin shapes

½ cup frozen blueberries

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (optional)

1 teaspoon sugar or stevia (or another sweetener) (optional)

Directions:

Add to the food processor or high-speed blender the bananas, blueberries, vanilla extract, and a sweetener.  Blend.  This should take about 5-10 minutes.  You may need to stop a couple of times to scrape down the sides of the food processor or blender 

If you want soft serve nice cream serve immediately.  Otherwise, put the nice cream in a freezer container and put in the freezer for a couple of hours.  You will then be able to scoop out the nice cream into a bowl as it will be firmer.  Take the nice cream out of the freezer for 30 minutes or more before scooping into a bowl.

Note:

Bananas need to be peeled and cut before freezing them as it is not possible to peel or cut them once they are frozen. Sweeten the nice cream to your taste

[ladyemma55]

[vegan-nom-noms]

Banana Nice Cream With Wet Walnuts

[ourbastardofsorrows]

today i used my distractibility and chattiness for good by asking a kid a ton of random questions so he could calm down and get control of his breathing after getting injured

[rigels-nigels]

Girl help I've acquired possibly yet another expensive hobby

[jvzebel-x]

yeah, yeah, i know-- get off the counter.

🍔🍟

anyway, food's up.

[intertexts-moving]

good evenibg.

[solradguy]

Ice cru nhuch cruchy….like glass yum. It’s like eating glass but for sillies

Cold gravel <3

[freytful]

this is the third time some random guy on, or waiting for, the tram just strikes up conversation and gives me some random token. idk what that means but its nice :)

[muffinrag]

walked 30 minutes to the closest grocery store. bought a few things. coming to the unfortunate realization that I now have to walk home

[superthatprotein]

Its friday 🎉 and you just need to get this recipe on the table so you can learn to fall in love with Nice Cream 😍this Choco Peanut Butter Banana Split Delight will make your weekend into the perfect weekend, so enjoy and Happy friday 😊

[ladyemma55]