#back off of weed a little to become a real person but also. I’d rather dig my own grave and bury myself in it alive than work a real job

[milo-is-rambling]

I LOVE YOU PAST MILO -current Milo nauseas head in a sparkling clean toilet I cleaned literally a half hour ago and then got too high while celebrating how clean it looked and feel sick now😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[drakenology]

Yeah, My Boyfriend’s In A Band

guitarist!todoroki x fem!reader

summary: something straight outta wattpad! you go to a rock band’s concert and stand front row of the stage. The band’s vocalist /guitarist catches your eye and.. well, the rest is history! this is the story of how you first met.

author’s note: soooo.. how yall been? i kinda said fuck it to the schedule i made. why force myself to make content when I just can’t ya know? I’d much rather upload content when it’s at it’s best. so enjoy! I used some lyrics from some of my favorite rock songs for this, can you guess em? Also the art work above isn’t mine!

warnings: smut (duh.), drug use (weed), size kink, pinch of daddy kink, spitting, degradation

It was a hot Saturday night. You were all dressed up and excited to see your favorite heavy metal band the Diaspora play in your city. You were a huge fan, their posters adorned your bedroom walls. You’ve been a fan since they first came out as a cover band.

The members were all pretty fuckin cute, especially the band’s front man. Todoroki Shoto.

He was so handsome; black and red half and half hair, grey sullen eyes, the sexy scar on the left side of his face only adding to the edginess of his visage. His tattoos coated his left arm in a sleeve, his eyebrow pierced as well as his lower lip. He was fucking hot. Obviously not the kind of guy who would pay any attention to you right?

You threw on the Diaspora t-shirt you bought just weeks before the show and tied it in the back so it could be a little cropped and called your uber, frantically spraying perfume in a panic that you were going to be late to the concert. You ran outside, saying goodnight to your roommate as you rush out the door and jump into the car.

“Hey. I’m Shoto Todoroki and I’m the lead singer and guitarist for the band The Diaspora. Hope to see you guys at the show tonight at 8.” You hear as smoothe and sultry voice play over the radio.

You swoon and text some buddies who were also going to the show in excitement, the rush going straight to your brain in a haze as you blast some of their music in your headphones.

When you arrive to the stadium, you spot your best friend from highschool Nejire Hado. You two actually grew up together and even graduated together. It was like you two were sisters, inseparable since birth. Nejire saw you and waved excitedly, squealing with glee and motioned you to come to her spot in line.

“Y/N!!!! Over here!!” She yelled, causing you to run over and jump up and down with her.

“I can’t believe we’re finally here!” You say.

“Me either! Hey, did you hear? There’s rumor’s going around that their having an after party after the show! We have to go, Y/N please say yes.” Nejire rambled, clapping her hands with an inability to contain her excitement.

You look down at your shoes, unsure at first. What if you aren’t even allowed inside? It could be VIP only.

“Fuck it. Let’s go!” You say, causing Nejire to scream and laugh with joy.

Suddenly, the band’s security comes outside to greet the fans waiting to come inside for the show.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please enter in a single fil-“ the poor guy couldn’t even finish his sentence before hundreds of eager fans rush past him and squeeze into the stadium doors, running as fast as the could to get to their seats.

Luckily for you and Nejire, you had front row tickets. Those days of refreshing the page for them as they sold out every second really paid off. You grab Nejire’s hand and run inside, elbowing and clawing your way through to your spot with your best friend by your side. The lights suddenly go dim and the crowd goes insane.

The show’s about to start. You heart seemed to float up into your throat as you stood sweating and nervous, Nejire screaming her head off and jumping up and down when the band came rising up from the bottom of the stage. Smoke covers them for a while until it clears and all you see is Todoroki standing above you, the real him finally being exposed to you as you gaze from the crowd.

He was even more handsome in person. Tonight he wore black jeans and a white band tank top ,showing off his muscular and tattooed arms. Chains hung on his hip and his boots as he propped his foot up on the amplifier in front of him.

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” He screamed into the mic, causing the crowd to scream impossibly louder. He smirked, causing you to feel woozy just seeing him look so smug, as if he knew the effects he had on his fans.

You could’ve died right there a happy woman as the band started to play their hit single, the gritty sound of the electric guitar sending chills up your spine as you and Nejire headbang and dance to the music. You sing along to the top of your lungs, watching as Todoroki owned the stage. You gaze up at him again to see something completely and utterly unbelievable.

He was looking right at you.

You gasp, your eyes widening as you lock eyes with him. Shoto kneeled down towards you and reached his hand out to you. You almost scream and grab his tattooed hand with both of your own and smile at him, keeping your eyes focused on his. Shoto took your hand and kissed it as he sang a pretty racy part of his song to you,

“I wanna take you home.” (sleeping with sirens fans?? your nickle aint worth my dime???? NO?)

Oh. My. God

“OH MY FUCKING GOD! Y/N, HE-“ Nejire screamed, just as excited as you. You stood there shocked and flustered, staring into space. Todoroki fucking Shoto just kissed your hand. Shoto smirked and let your hand go, continuing the rest of his show in hopes you got the message. He wanted you. It was common sense that you go to the afterparty now.

The show continued for another 2 hours, Todoroki now dripping in sweat from the hot lights shining upon him and his band.

“Thank you all so much for coming out. For those invited, I’ll see you all at the afterparty! Goodnight everyone!” Todoroki bellowed to the crowd, causing them to cheer him and the band off the stage.

You stand there, high off of every guitar riff and belt from the performance feeling sad that the concert was over. But a rush of hope filled your heart in knowing that you were going to see Shoto again soon. You and Nejire walk out of the stadium hand in hand as you discussed the plan to get to the party.

“So the party is not too far from here, exactly 15 minutes away. We could totally call an uber.” Nejire explains, saying that it’s going to be held in Todoroki’s mansion.

When you both arrive at Todoroki’s Mansion your jaws drop. A huge fountain greeted your uber driver’s car, cobblestone driveways leading you towards his front door. There were hedge sculptures all over the front yard and expensive cars adorned the driveway as you and Nejire step out of the car to see the line to get into the party. Damn. More lines.

You approach the security guard; the same one from earlier that night with a nervous wave.

“U-Um excuse me sir, we’re on the list..” You said unconfidently. Nejire nervous laughed and nudged you for sounding so unsure after giving you a long confidence pep-talk in the car.

“Sorry, kiddo. I’m not seein’ an ‘Y/N’ or a ‘Nejire’. Back o’ the line, ladies.” The security guard huffed, hardly even looking at his list.

“Nah it’s cool, Ben. Let them in.” You hear a familiar voice utter before you get the chance to turn around and walk to the back of the line. Sure enough it was Todoroki standing there, joint lit and eyes hazy. Clearly stoned.

It was like he got more gorgeous as you got closer to him, your cheeks heating up as you realize you’re literally standing in front of your fucking celebrity crush. Nejire squeals and runs inside to go find the drummer and get his number, she says drummers do it harder.

Shoto took you by the hand and led you inside the rager in his foyer. The smell of beer and weed absorbs your nostrils as you walk inside with Shoto in hand, watching as Nejire talks up the drummer with ease as if she already knew him from way back when.

Todoroki sat down on the most comfortable couch you have ever sat in with you next to him, taking a big drag of his joint and motioning it towards you.

“Wanna hit? It’s not laced. Promise.” He said cooly, slowly blowing out the smoke. You take it and take a hit, coughing a little as you puff out the smoke.

Damn this must be what rich people smoke.

“Good huh? Grew it myself. Heh.” Todoroki laughed a little as he watched you take another hit.

“Shit. I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you, finally.” You say, nervousness coating your tongue. Shoto gave you a warm smile, his hazy eyes gleaming in the dim lights of the room.

“Gorgeous name for a gorgeous girl.” Shoto said, kissing the same hand he did at the concert.

You heat up, your panties becoming slightly wet at him touching and kissing you. He smirked and grabbed you by your chin to make sure you look him directly into his grey orbs.

“When I saw you in the crowd, I almost couldn’t keep my eyes off you.” He said into your ear, causing your mind to block out any outside sound that wasn’t his voice. You gulp, blinking dumbly as you try to find the words to say something.

“I-I, um. Th-thank you.” You say, looking down into his lap. Shoto pulled away to smoke his joint a little more. You two talked all night, everyone around you both becoming irrelevant as you seemingly grow closer together.

Strangely, none of the rumors about Todoroki were true. He wasn’t this stuck up asshole the media made him out to be. He was calm and gentle, the sweetest guy you’ve ever had the pleasure of having a conversation with. You learned so much about him that night. He was so misunderstood.

You’re high now and completely hazy as you and Todoroki make out on the couch. You’re not sure how you two even got to this point but you loved it. One thing led to another and now you were straddling him on the couch, his hands in your back pockets as he groped and squeezed your ass.

Your lips mingled as you moan into the kiss, Todoroki’s tongue slipping into your mouth to make home of it. The kiss got so hot your pussy was sopping wet underneath your jeans as you mindlessly grind against him for some kind friction.

Todoroki pulled away and started kissing your neck, damn near ripping your clothes off in front of the entire party. You’re gasping and grabbing at his clothes, forgetting where you are as you become desperate for him. You wanted him so bad and you knew he wanted you too.

“Wanna get out of here? Go upstairs I mean.” Shoto asked, huffing into the skin of your neck as his hard dick poked at your thigh.

“God yes.” You say breathily. As soon as he got your consent he carried you upstairs, the party raising their glasses and their blunts in celebration for Todoroki getting some.

“YES! Y/N tell me everything okay!?” Nejire yelled drunkenly, pulling away from her makeout session with the band’s drummer. You giggle and wave down at her, Todoroki laughing softly as he watched the interaction between you and your best friend.

“Just so you know, princess. I’m not going to go easy on you.” Shoto said, pinning you against the hallway wall.

“I don’t want you to.” You mewl, leaning into his neck to nip at it. Shoto let out a low chuckle and nearly kicked down his bedroom door, tossing you onto his luxurious california king bed.

You take a quick look around his darkly colored room, black walls with coordinating grey funiture. Posters of his inspiration adorned his walls, almost similar to your room just $100,000 richer. He had a mirror above his bed as you look up at your reflection you see Todoroki crawl on top of you, unbuttoning and pulling your jeans off in one fell swoop.

You’re immediately embarrassed, forgetting it was laundry day at home so you threw a thong on because you didn’t have anything else to wear. It was black and lacy and oh so skimpy you quickly move your hands to cover up in shame, Shoto grabbing your wrists and pinning your hands above your head.

“Heh. How’d you know I love lace?” Shoto teased, practically salivating at the sight of your smooth legs beneath him. “You’re so beautiful, you know that?” Shoto said, running his hands along your sides as if he was a lion playing with his prey before he ate it.

You bit your lip, dripping and hungry for some kind of touch in the places you needed him most, your nipples prodding at the thin fabric of your band tee. Yeah, you forgot to wear a bra. Shoto pulled your shirt above your head, tossing it somewhere and hissing at the sight of your bare breasts.

“No bra either? Man.. it must be my birthday. I’m gonna have fun with you, princess.” Todoroki says taking a nipple into his mouth, not breaking eye contact with you as he suckled gently following with short lick causing your entire body to catch flame.

You start moaning miserably, your whole body begging him to take you. Shoto pulls away from your nipple with a light pull of his lips and slips his hand down to your slit, caressing it agonizingly slow to tease you. He takes his other hand and presses his thumb to your lips.

“Open your mouth.” He rasped. And you did, sucking on his thumb as he rested it on your tongue making Shoto moan at the sight, humming a ‘good girl’ under his breath. Shoto held your mouth open and spit, pulling you into a sloppy kiss as he plunged his thick digits into your needy hole.

You arch your back off the bed, biting down onto Shoto’s lip as he finger fucked you without mercy. Your moans filled the air, Shoto watching you intently as he took your breast into his mouth once more.

“Sho- ah! I-I’m gonna-“ You bellow, trying to hold onto something for dear life as he brought you closer and closer to your peak.

“That’s daddy to you, princess. Try again and maybe I’ll let you cum around my fingers.” Shoto hissed, slowing his pumping fingers a bit to ensure you got the point.

He was in control. You pant, your chest heaving as you try to catch your breath only for it to get caught in your throat again. Desperate moans fall out of your mouth as you beg him to let you cum.

“D-Daddy!~” You gasp, Shoto leaning into your neck, his ear right next your mouth as you scream for him. You collapse into his arms, fucked out and stupid off Todoroki’s strong fingers. All those years of guitar weren’t for nothing.

“That’s it baby.. fuck, you made a mess.” Shoto cooed, slowly dragging his fingers out of you as he watched your slick stick to him sloppily. At this point, he’s so hard you can clearly see the veins in his dick jumping out of his pants, his size making you wince in pain before he even entered you.

“Think you can take all of me, princess?” Shoto asked, throwing his contricting pants and boxers somewhere across the room, releasing his impressive size for you to see. You gulp but nod, licking your lips at the sight of him.

Shoto smirked at your reaction and pumped himself a few times before teasingly tapping the head of his dick against your clit, causing you to yelp from the sensitivity of your abused core.

“Pleaseee.” You whine, Shoto grabbing you by the neck and choking you almost to tell you to shut up and be patient. He wastes no time in plunging into you, the thickness of his dick stretching your walls with a delicious sting.

You claw at his back as he bottomed out, gasping sharply as he filled you completely.

“Am I hurting you?” Todoroki asked with what little sympathy he had left in his body. You shook your head no, moaning as he stayed still inside you.

“P-P-Please move..” you mewl, chewing your bottom lip. Shoto smirked and began rutting his hips into yours at a rough pace, not really caring if you adjusted to him or not. Hard slaps and the sound of your whiny moans filled the room as the headboard of his bed slammed against the wall, probably alerting the entire party downstairs.

You’re screaming now, a moaning mess beneath him as he split you wide open. As your eyes rolled to the back of your head, Shoto throws your legs over his shoulder and starts pounding into you.

He’s going to make sure you’re unable to walk straight for the rest of the week, marking you as his.

“Fuckkk, daddy. S-Slow down.” You pleaded only for Shoto to ignore you and continue his pace, laughing at the shocked and fucked out face you were pulling.

“Told you I wasn’t taking it easy on you. Did you forget already, princess?” Shoto breathed, moving his hands to rub shallow circles into your clit.

Your toes curled up tightly as your orgasm ripped through your body, your moans reaching a cresendo as your scream Shoto’s name.

He hissed as your walls fluttered around him, your pussy gripping him tightly as he fucked into you continuosly.

“I hope you didn’t think I was through with you just because I made you cum. I’m not done yet, doll.” Shoto muttered through your pathetic whines for him to slow down.

He cooed praises at you, a “good girl” here and a “you take my dick so well” there until his thrusts got rusty and sloppy; a sign he was close to cumming.

“Shittt, where do you want me to-“

“I-Inside m-mee! Fuck, cum inside me!” You shriek. And so he did, fucking his hot stickiness into you for a while as you both moan and pant. Shoto rode out your climaxes for a while before slowly pulling himself out as he watched his cum ooze out of your abused pussy.

As Shoto flopped on the bed next to you, you both stare up at the mirror on his ceiling. You’re both sweaty and your hair was a fucking mess from being tossed around the bed for what seemed like hours.

“Shit. Probably late as fuck by now. You wanna stay the night?” Shoto asked, taking your hand and famously kissing it once more. You smile and nod, unable to form coherent sentences as you feel yourself doze off.

Todoroki jumps from his bed and opened the door, screaming from the top of the stairs, “Oi! All you motherfuckers can fuck off home!Party’s over!” You laugh and throw a pillow at him.

“Don’t be so mean, Sho. Uh.. C-Can I call you Sho?” You ask embarrassed.

“You keep fucking me like that you can call me whatever you want, angel.” Shoto groans, grabbing you by your face and kissing you sweetly.

“Honestly, I wanna go again. You down?”

[the-fiction-witch]

Darth Duck

REAL LIFE SCANDAL COUPLE: TBS X REAER RATING: FUNNY + SUGGESTIVE

"Welcome... everyone to another Episode of Thomas and Y/n have taken to much of something and are now going to do something that's probably a bad idea" Y/n smiled as she sat in a mesh dress with a bright red and black bra and Thomas sat at the table beside her drinking vodka shirtless

"Welcome to drunk food reviewing"

"Not what we are doing?"

"Aren't we?"

"No Thomas"

"Ohhh... what are we doing?"

"Read the board Thomas"

"I can't... its over there. Read it to me y/n" he sighed laying on her shoulder

"We are doing the video we have to age restrict? remember Thomas?"

"Ooooooooohhhh the sexy video?"

"Yes, the sexy video, that's why you don't have a shirt on"

"... Did I remove my shirt? or did you do that?"

"You did that"

"They why don't I remember."

"Because of the state you are in sugar cube" she laughs kissing his head and patting his hair

"Can we get nuggets when we are done filming?" he whispered

"we have Nuggets? there on there way with the food bicycle man"

"Hurry Up food Man! I want tiny chicken  shapes!" he complained

"I should probably get to the point?"

"Why? Sally will edit for us"

"We can't rely on sally"

"why not? I love sally, she had a great..... face"

"Does she? Incase you can't notice. We are half drunk and also... kinda stoned. Maybe a little tiny bit"

"You're stoned! I'm just drunk!"

"We have had... between us. Three bottles of wine. a bottle of whiskey and half a bottle of vodka. and then like a teaspoon of weed"

"I think it was like a cup of weed"

"it was a small pot, i smoke it because Thomas brought it back for me from his holiday in Holland, He did not smoke any, However he was in the room when I did. so I think you have like a baby contact high" she says "don't do drugs kids... but we are adults. ish. Kinda. Legally we are adults."

"I know you are but what am I?"

"This is the issue is that Thomas is a weird childish person anyway, and then you get him drunk and he becomes like six but a six year old who just read what all the swear words are, and when he's high... yeah this is what happens he just becomes like a weird whatever this is"

"Fight me bittch! I am the king!"

"Yes Thomas, yes you are" she laughs cuddling him "You wanna know what we are doing today? Or do you wanna sober up a little bit?"

"Tiny sober? while you explain the thing we are doing" he says leaving a moment

"We are reviewing weird sex toys I found online, Now if I sound way more together thats because I didn't drink as much becuase... I didn't want a repeat of the Barbie cake incident. and also because I think I have way more of a tolerance then Thomas does" she says as Thomas returned with a coffee "Better now?"

"Yes"

"Its the weed, that if fucking you up right now. it just makes me really calm and slow... you just fucking go off the bloody walls"

"Yes it is. so. show me the first sexy thing"

"I am the first sexy thing"

"Yes you are, you are very sexy, May I nuzzle with the boobs?"

"No"

"But I wanna"

"But you can't we are filming right now Thomas"

"But! Boob!"

"No boobs for you"

"Fine... I'll grope my own boobs" He sighed groping his own chest

"I think you are still too out of it to function"

"Im functioning, I have great tits"

"You do, you want the first toy or not?"

"Yes! bing it to me"

"Here you go" Y/n said putting  a rubber duck on the table she clicked a button and this yellow duck began to vibrate across the table

"Who is this for? Becuase... I cannot stick my dick in it. and as far as I was aware that is the point of most male sex toys"

"Sticking your dick in it?"

"Sticking my dick in it" he says "To be fair I put my dick alot of places I probably shouldn't" he says looking at the toy

"You do. Like your ex girlfriend" she giggled

"Ooohhh that was a low blow"

"I assume for girls becuase... vibration"

"Guys like vibration too"

"Yeah but.. I think its for ladies Or just in general as a vibrator" she says "Rate this out of One to five climaxes?"

"Two, Its meh"

"I'd say three, just is nothing else because it amuses me"

"Like your exboyfreind"

"Bitch..." she sighed "Would you rather have thids duck then your rubber duck upstairs?"

"No, Becuase my ruber duck is amazing"

"Is he?"

"Yes! How dare you insult My duck" He says getting up a moment and when he returned he had a little bath duck dressed like Vader "He is darth Duck." "Darth Duck?"

"Yes. He murdered a group of eggs because of his brain washing and now has a deathboat that goes around destroying ponds"

"So you would rather have a tiny sith duck in your bathtub then this vibrating guy?"

"Yes I would"

"Okay... he comes home with me then"

"what's next?"

"This is an Egg Massager"

"I am Aware of these"

"Ohh are you?"

"I use to have on of these" "DId you? like seriously?"

"Yeah, its way smaller and easier to hide then like a full fleshlight, even like the fleshlights where its just the jelly plastic are hard to hide, hard to store, hard to clean, hard to travel with. so yes I got one of these and it is amazing! its not to big, not to small so it breaks, you can turn it inside out to clean it" He explained

"Thats on the internet now thomas"

"I know. I have crossed a line just being in this fucking video"

"so lets just say fuck it and jump over it?"

"The line has been crossed so Lets just run with it"

"Is this what a virgina feels like to men?" she asks sticking her fingers in it

"A little bit. as much as any male sex toy does. I have yet to stick my dick in a sex toy and actuly feels like a virgina. but thats not really the point. Its like I imagine vibrators and such like aren't really meant to feel like getting fucked. but you know if they feel like a dick then great"

"I get that yeah... this is like fourty pounds though?"

"Its worth it I think. As a man"

"How many orgasms out of five?"

"Four and a half orgasms"

"Better then your ex girlfreind?"

".... yes"

" this product is thomas aproved"

"Few sex toys recive that"

"Yeah becuse your boring and don't want sexy toys"

"I like sex toys. but I would rather just... have sex"

"okay so like not mastabation toys like partner toys?"

"Yeah" "Like handcuffs, lube, maybe like one of those vibes for men and ladies?"

"Yeah, more like that. I hope my ex doesn't find this video"

"Ohh she's gonna be mad at you"

"Also... My future children. If you are watching this and I birthed you please do not watch this"

"You birthed them? when did you grow a womb?"

"Yesterday"

"Moving on! you want some lube thomas?"

"Hit me with the lube"

"Here you go, its... strawberry flavoured" she says "You like strawberries thomas"

"I do, But I don't get the point"

"The point of lube?"

"No the point of it being flavoured" He says "I don't get that"

"Its for like... if I was for jerking you off and i needed lube I could use this and then after jerking you off for a while I could suck your dick and it would be strawberry flavoured"

"Or I guess... for eating out also? for the same reason"

"yeah for that. I hope there arent just people like eating lube. If so... Get help Because thats a problem" she says putting some on her arm and licking it "Its not bad, tastes like... strawberry chew its"

"Gimme" he says putting some on his hand "Okay frist it looses points for being bad lube"

"what?"

"This is shit lube y/n"

"How... how can you tell that?"

"rub it between your fingers, Now good lube you should be able to separate your hands and it should get stringy like it reaches between your hands"

"Like slime?"

"Yes like slime" he says "or put some on your hand good lube you should put your hand upside down and it shouldn't move it should stay on your hands"

"You have alot of lube kwnollage"

"I do." he says before having a lick of the lube "Where are you getting strawberry chew its? it tastes like strawberry cough syrup" He sighed "Do we have to do anymore? Can I go to bed?"

[corkcitylibraries]

Cork in Verse | Ana Spehar interviews Paul Casey

Cork in Verse is a series of interviews by Ana Spehar with Cork Poets. This week Ana interviews Paul Casey.

Image by John Minihan

How often do you write?

I wish I could say every day. In an ideal world I'd write for 4-5 hours per day (including thinking and feeling about writing, the kind of internal writing that happens before the words reach the page), but in reality, my work year is quite demanding and lacks consistency, so any concept of ongoing, regular writing is quite out of reach for me. I write in blasts for most of the year, there's usually something small every day, filling notebooks and android email drafts with ideas, lines and verses. The summer is when I collate all these, when for up to 6-8 weeks I can actually enjoy those 4-5 cherished hours writing whatever new material emerges, as well as editing and polishing unfinished work, researching where I need to (including travel) and hopefully sending new poems off to find new homes.

 Would you look on writing as a kind of spiritual practice?

I would, yes. There's a stillness that comes with it that I love. That's when I'm most alive within myself, when I find parity with the world. It's philosophical too, full of questioning and discovering things about yourself and the world for the first time. There'll always be an infinite list of things to write about - as long as you're open to your own feelings about what you experience in life.

 In your opinion what are the most important elements of a good poem?

Honesty is way up there. Honesty takes real courage - which always has a strong draw and ring about it. A good poem is also allowed to mature, a process I find endlessly frustrating, but on the flip side the poem develops depth and is inevitably more satisfying and multi-layered if you offer it space and allow it to grow. A good poem (for me) offers something new, whether that's perspective, story or emotional recognition. A good poem (again, for me) should sing its own distinct music, should never be overwritten and as Robert Frost says, should "begin in delight and end in wisdom" - that wisdom being made entirely of the poet's own personal discovery.

 Does the creative process of writing affect your mood and how? 

The creation of any art or craft will affect mood. Poetry is both art and craft and its subject matter is endless, as are the moods its subjects evoke. If I write about death I become sad, but I also find solace through what the words themselves bring. If I write about love I feel elated and often confused, or if about injustice, frustrated and helpless. So subject primarily affects mood, as does personal experience of that subject course - however - my mood is mostly affected by how little I get to write during the year - and that usually culminates in a whole lot of exasperation, which in turn is remedied each summer, all going well.

  You are a founder of Ó Bhéal. How did you get the idea to start it and do you find it challenging?

Ó Bhéal was born from a desire to create more choices for poets (at all levels of experience), as well as to make the idea of poetry itself less intimidating, for it to be perceived as a potential benefit for anyone. It is a magical art form which is continually transformative and surprising if engaged with open-heartedly.

With regards to the logistical challenge of starting and maintaining Ó Bhéal, it was always a steep one, although the event regularity eventually remedied most of the difficulties long the way (funding, promotion, etc). In 2013, our seventh year of running 50 events per annum, things had become a little too three-dimensional for me - so in that year I decided to inaugurate our two international competitions (Five Words and Poetry-Film) as well as our end of year Winter Warmer Festival and also took over the reins of The Unfinished Book of Poetry project.  So we were suddenly up to seven-dimensions and I was back in the deep-end for a good while before it all eventually dovetailed into place. In 2013 we also won the Lord Mayor's Arts and Culture Award, a very welcome boost to morale. I must say that if not for the help of our dedicated and talented board of volunteers and emcees (more about them at www.obheal.ie/about) - Ó Bhéal would not amount to half of what it is today. I'm very grateful to them.

 Paul Casey’s second collection Virtual Tides was published by Salmon Poetry in 2016. It followed home more or less (Salmon, 2012) and It’s Not All Bad (Heaventree, 2009). He teaches creative writing, edits the Unfinished Book of Poetry and promotes poetry in his role as director of Ó Bhéal in Cork.

  Something to Give                                         

 I’m an unseen red dari seed

an untouched sunflower seed

around a vibrant heart pumping

vulnerable beats into corrupt atmosphere

 The gold I spin to cast away

the art I build from air

and a full belly, is hardly privileged -

is it a privilege to eat?

 An unheard horse chestnut seed

I hand out leaves in the street, the last

of the year before life finds its beginning

I gift unearthed weeds to well-suited unhappiness

 sprinkle wildflower seeds for my mother

into grooves between the edges

where narrow beds keep grass from concrete

where the lawnmower man can’t go

 Even spread along the haphazard craters

remnants of thistle and groundsel

chickweed, ragwort and dock

I cover them over

 ‘We can’t let the place go to the dogs’

the landlady barked, she says, as her left knee,

the one on the polio side, retreats forty-five degrees

left knuckles whitening over the shillelagh

 We’ll sort that out mom, have you fed the birds today?

We don’t want them stealing all tomorrow’s colours

by Paul Casey

* First published in Reading the Future (Arlen House / Hodges Figgis)

  Passerine   

Of all the tongues I’d rather speak bird

have impulse thought and wish tuned into song

for this I’d give up every poem and word

 The flummoxed squirrels think me all absurd

absorbing chorus verse refrain and idiom

but if I had my way I’d just speak bird

 Throughout evolution this must have occurred

to countless sods unable to belong

who vowed surrender every poem and word

 All felines I encounter over-purr

they trill insist yes something here is wrong

claws waver, cannot enter this lost bird

 I should have sung the circuit I have heard

the notes deep camouflaged inside so long

when in a flash I’d give up every word

 As plumage bursts through skin and senses blur

my intuition feels perfectly strong

Of all the tongues I’d far prefer speak bird

for this I’d give up every poem and word

by Paul Casey

* First published in Days of Clear Light (Salmon Poetry)

[starryevermore]

paradise island: a review

A note before we begin: everything above the cut will be spoiler free and will just be my general feelings about the story as a whole, the writing, and if I’d recommend it. Everything below the cut will include spoilers to explain my feelings about the story.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Visiting the North Shore had been a bizarre and unsettling experience, to say the least, but when they got home after vacation was over, he was going to suggest to Colby that they make a video about it.

Hell, no. Even better. Write a book. Videos melted away after a while, but a book? Books and stories solidified on the conscious mind forever. (91-92)

Overall, I enjoyed this book. I generally enjoy stories like this, but there were a few moments throughout the novel where things just fell a bit flat. 

While I was reading, I made a few notes, the first being that there was a weird juxtaposition between talking about more adult topics (drinking, women, sex, etc.) but in an odd, almost kid-friendly way. Some of the word choices were interesting, such as constant use of “fancy-pants”, “hottie”, “goofball”, “oddball”, and “doofus”, as well as the one moment where Colby said he hated “dicky” people and the moment where Sam said Colby was about to have an “emo-ruption”. (Though I did laugh a lot longer than I should have at “emo-ruption”.) It felt like they were still trying to make the story appropriate for their younger fans by using more kid-friendly language, while also appealing to their older fans by being like “look!! we drink!! and ooh look, we talked about smoking weed 👀🤪”. I wish they would’ve committed to one or the other, because it added an odd sense of disjointedness to the story that could’ve been easily resolved.

The other big thing I made note of was that there was a lot of “tell, not show” throughout. There’s a heavy focus on dialogue to progress the story rather than seeing into the boys’ inner thoughts and using other means to find out information. (I’m not one to talk, though, since I also focus more on dialogue than description.) It sometimes made it difficult to fully get into the story. I struggled with developing a picture of what the Belle Estate looked like, or what the other characters (beside SNC, Nate, and Alex) looked like. In terms of the boys, it seemed very reliant on us knowing who Sam and Colby are and what they’re all about (which is fair, since probably 99.9% of people who bought the book are fans of them but, if they want success outside of their audience, it could’ve been more descriptive in that regard). 

As for the big twist at the end, it was a bit lackluster. I’ll go more in detail on this in the “spoiler section”, but it kind of diminished everything that had happened throughout the story and left me wondering “what was the point?”. 

I was excited when I’d heard that the story was told through both Sam and Colby’s POVs, but, I’ll be honest, I saw little difference between Sam’s chapters than Colby’s chapters. The most difference was the almost stereotypical portrayal of Sam being the logical one while Colby being the emotional one. Aside from that, they were almost indistinguishable from me and I often had to flip back to the start of a chapter to remind myself of who’s head I was in.

Since that was all critical, here’s some things I did like:

I feel like, while the inner monologues were a bit lacking, Gaby did make up for it by making the dialogue between the boys really realistic to them. In this regard, she really nailed the portrayal of them. 

The depiction of the paranormal things was really great. I feel like those parts were the ones I could get most into the story. The way Gaby wrote them was so interesting and pulled me in. I wish there was more of these moments throughout the story, because I think they really showcased who Gaby is as a writer.

The convo where Colby called Sam “Velma” and then Nate asked if Colby was “Fred”? I really enjoyed that because (a) Scooby is my favorite thing in the whole world and (b) I chose Sam and Colby be Velma and Fred in my moodboards a month ago so just a lil fun moment for me.

Just how meta the book was. Like, the quote I included at the top? I laughed for way too long when I read that. 

There was a nice sense of nostalgia throughout, specifically when they brought up their YouTube channel, their Vine days, them being arrested, wining a Teen Choice Award, and Corey and the Shadowman. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and reminded me of how proud I am for how far they’ve come.

*slight spoiler here* Speaking of being arrested, there was a moment where SNC were contemplating escaping to the beach and they had a conversation if it was worth being arrested again. I really loved that, especially with how much fans joke about them inevitably being arrested again.

This is more for the person who designed the cover, but holy shit?? I loved it so much?? 

I don’t know if I would have picked this book up if it didn’t have Sam and Colby’s name attached to it. I will say, though, I finished the book in one sitting, which is pretty rare for me nowadays, so it was engaging. I think, overall, it was a great story with a great concept but it could’ve been fleshed out more. In some ways, it almost felt like this was a draft rather than a completed novel. 

That being said, for SNC’s first book and Gaby’s first time working with the boys, it exceeded my expectations. If they were to continue writing books together, I imagine it will get better and better as they get more used to each other and potentially open up more so that their characters become a more accurate depiction of them.

Overall, the book’s not something you really need to race out to get. I think, if you have a gift card or there’s some sort of deal or you need to spend a little more to get free shipping, it wouldn’t hurt to pick up Paradise Island. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t a great, top-tier novel in my opinion. That being said, if you do pick it up, I think you will enjoy the book.

Spoiler Avenue

The characterization of all four of the boys is a bit 2D. Sam’s logical and wants to keep the peace, Colby’s emotional and more of a wildcard, Nate’s focused on his schoolwork and flexing his vocabulary, and Alex? Well, I couldn’t get a good read on Alex until he sells out SNC at the end of the novel and even then, he didn’t feel so much like his own character, more like someone just present to further the plot.

Speaking of characters, the introduction of Trey was...meh. I wish we could’ve gotten more insight on why Colby was so adamant about not liking Trey and why Nate was so gung ho to ditch their plans to go to the North side of the island for this guy they barely knew. Finding out that Colby didn’t like Trey because he said college was the only way to success was such an odd thing? Like, undoubtedly there’s been many people who would’ve said that, so does Colby also dislike everyone who’s said that or is there a more specific reason he didn’t like Trey? Just...👏🏻 more 👏🏻 inner 👏🏻 thoughts 👏🏻 please 👏🏻 and 👏🏻 thank 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 

@golbrocklovely​ brought this up in her review but Colby’s fixation on the  mermaid statue of a 16-year-old was really odd. It probably wouldn’t have been as odd if Amy was aged up a bit to 18, but as a 16-year-old with the descriptions that were given? Yeah...not the vibe.

I also wasn’t a fan of how so many things plot-wise was just...told to the boys. They could’ve found some newspaper clippings or something, anything to make them put in a little bit of detective work. But for so much information to just be handed to them? It got old, and almost lazy. 

The big twist being that all of the paranormal stuff they’d encountered being a hallucination? God, that was so fucking annoying (though I did go back afterwards from the moment that they first arrived at the Belle Estate—starting as early as page 36—and it felt incredibly obvious knowing now that it was all drugs, so props to Gaby for dropping that many hints early on). To spend so much time making all of this scary shit happen just to turn around and say “HAHA JK THE BOYS WERE JUST TRIPPING BALLS” was such a cop out. It would’ve been more terrifying for it all to be real, make the boys question their beliefs and the reality of there being something out there that they didn’t quite understand. Though, there is something terrifying about not knowing you’ve been drugged and having hallucinated that vividly, but I feel like it didn’t quite fit in with the story. 

Alex betraying the boys? So interesting! This was one of the few things that made sense in terms of them being drugged. But then when he was betrayed when Pauahi (who’s name was misspelled a few different times in the book) escaped? Ugh, amazing. We love instant karma like that. 

Going back to the “tell not show” thing, I wish the sacrifice at the end would’ve been more detailed. For all of the paranormal stuff to be written off as a drug-induced hallucination, I would’ve loved if Gaby had leaned more into the horror of being used in a human sacrifice. There was more of a focus on Colby bargaining for his life, which is fair, but I would’ve loved to see more of the pure terror there.

That being said, the way Trey finally snapped out of it? *chef’s kiss* Loved that shit so much. And I loved the fact that Trey stayed behind in the end. It added a nice eeriness to the story that had been lacking since they debunked the paranormal shit as being hallucinations. 

Again, going back to my overall, thoughts, I enjoyed the book in general. Some things could’ve been fleshed out a bit more to reach its full potential. I wish they leaned more into the paranormal aspect and had more descriptions to balance out all of the dialogue, but other than that, I did enjoy the book and don’t regret buying it. 

[xx-sikki-nixx-xx]

NSFW A-Z  Jimmy Page

Aftercare(what they’re like after sex)

Prolly rolls a joint and y’all get high together in pure bliss of the rocking sex you guys just had coz we all know Jimmy’s gotta be a sex god tbh, like there’s no questioning that shit.

Body part (their favourite body part of theirs and their partners)

Jimmy really likes your eyes, he thinks they are enchanting orbs, your iris’s swimming in a fountain of colour (because he’s poetic like that) and his favourite body part on himself is his hands, because he’s a guitarist...and he knows he can make you scream his name only using them. 

 Cum (anything to do with cum…basically I’m a disgusting person)

Jimmy likes to cum in your mouth because as I said before after sex he likes to get high with you and it’s kinda hard to do that if you have to clean cum off of yourself you getting it in your mouth is the cleanest solution. 

Dirty secret  (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He’s full ass bi and would 100% would have a threesome with you and Robert (but I mean not like you’re complaining right?) like he loves you but he bets that Robert is an epic fuck too so why not get the best of both worlds?

Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) 

For sure Jimmy has experience, I mean you don’t become a sex god without training, so yeah he’s had his fair share of sex but it’s for the best because now he can make you cum with his eyes closed and his hands tied behind his back. 

Favourite Position (This goes without saying.)

Missionary with your legs over his shoulders because he can get deepest that way and can watch the enchanting ways your face contorts and your eyes roll back with every thrust nearing you to your finish. 

 Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Jimmy is a gentle lover and a passionate one, think rhythmic thrusts in dimmed light on silk sheets with a light breeze flowing through the curtains leading to the patio. Its as if his body is completely in tune with yours like a poem or a song. 

 Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc)

Jimmy is pretty average when it comes to hair, like he doesn’t groom it but then again he doesn’t really need to, it’s pretty tame on its own, and yes the carpet matches the drapes. 

Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

As previously mentioned Jimmy is a sensual lover and I mean it when I say that, passionate kisses, foreheads pressed together, real intimate love making and nothing less. 

 Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Robert only masturbates when he’s really high, because some of the drugs he takes give him inconvenient boners so he’ll need to relieve himself and you won’t always be around to help and sometimes you just make him do it himself because it’s funny to make him beg.

Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Jimmy has a kink for silk binds, like ties for your wrists that are made of silk, or silk blindfolds, or silk gags, anything silk, he doesn’t know why he has this kink but the feeling of silk mixed with the aspect of tying you up really turns him on. 

Location (Favourite places to do the do)

On the grass at night under the stars, preferably high on acid (cute).

Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

When you give him little flirty looks like batting your eyelids and smiling at him oh baby that makes him crazy and when you act all polite in public like crossed legs and small talk because he knows it’s all an act and he’s the only one who knows how dirty and uncivilised you are in private.

 NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

I couldn’t see him being into ddlg kinda stuff like that just weirds him out (which is ok we all have preference) if you have that kink he’d never be mean/rude or make fun of you for it (no kink shaming here) he’d just not want to participate in it. 

 Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh boy get strapped in baby because when Mr Page gets his hands (or mouth) on you you’ll never be the same istg if he was a superhero his power would be pussy eating for real, he likes it when you go down on him but it isn’t a must when you two have sex, he can get perfectly hard pleasuring you but if you offer he’ll never turn you down.

Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Jimmy is more slow and sensual, he likes to enjoy the moment and all of the sensations that come along with it but if he’s got some pent up frustration for instance you two haven’t seen each other for awhile expect a rough pounding as soon as you two have some alone time.

Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He doesn’t really care too much, sex is sex in his eyes and as long as it’s with you he knows he’ll have a good time and in return will do his best to make you enjoy it too. 

Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Absofreakinglutely I mean I think this is the same for all of the rockstars, they all love risk, that’s part of the reason they chose that career so fuck yeah Jimmy’s down for risk as long as it comes with reward in some form or another.  

 Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Like a solid 5-6 rounds if he’s in the mood and you have enough alone time but other times he’ll settle for 2 or 3 if he must but he definitely has the stamina to go on until you’re both seeing stars and struggling to breathe. 

 Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Would I be wrong to assume he has like a treasure chest of various toys for both of you to use and I mean he has EVERYTHING like imagine any kind of sex toy and I bet you he has it under lock and key ready for when it’s needed, and I also bet he wears the key around his neck.

Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Bitch boy likes to tease you until you physically have to restrain yourself from screaming, he will push you to the absolute edge and then stop and wait for you to come down before starting again and you swear you’ve almost killed him once or twice for that, he also has a shit eating grin the whole time. 

Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Jimmy is quiet but will praise you from time to time and will let out little groans when he reaches his finish and will say your name when he cums

Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

100% has had a threesome with you and Robert, you were all hanging out at Roberts house one day and the idea was sprung on you by the two men and you happily agreed because I mean who wouldn’t? And I must say it was an EXPERIENCE 

X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

Like a solid 7.5 inches 

Yearning (How high is their sex drive?

I’d say a 6.5/10 like he’s not a horny animal but he does like to fuck often enough when you two have the time.

ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

As I said at the start y’all usually get high after sex so as soon as the weed make you two sleepy you’ll curl up into his chest and sleep.

[its8simplejulesblog]

I’m Sitting Here on My Bed Crying

about George Floyd’s unjust murder. My heart keeps sinking further and further and suddenly every remedial thing that bothered me a week ago means absolutely nothing now. It’s hard not to feel hopeless and disgusted by the world we’ve created and fostered. It’s hard to sit around knowing that people are being gassed and attacked and buildings are being burned to the ground while most of my friends are worried about whether or not their crush will text them back and how their Animal Crossing Village looks (I’m sure it’s fine queen, relax). 

I understand wanting to maintain “normalcy”, but if you can’t recognize the privilege in that normalcy then I pity you. Never in my life would I complacently want to be as ignorant as that. It’s really hard for me to keep up with the news. At the peak of my anxiety I would yell and cry at my parents to turn it off because it often kept me up at night. However, now I realize that turning it off is only a temporary fix. And, while the news itself is so obviously biased, even keeping it on wouldn’t do much good. 

As I’m writing I’m crying more and more. It really is like I lost a friend. I know that sounds dramatic, but we really should be treating everyone as if they deserve protection, kindness, and care, and when that doesn’t happen, you really do lose something (like oh, I don’t know, humanity). In all honesty, I am terrified of the world. It really does seem like we are on the brink of collapse. Almost like the freaking second coming of Christ is about to happen. Judgment day better be coming soon though because it just keeps getting worse and worse. 

I know that the majority of the time I am as positive a person as I can be, but sometimes feeling hurt and shame and anger like this is the motivation one needs to make a change. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be happening though. Even as I write this now I think, “so what,” one speck of dust white girl writing on her tumblr blog that no one reads will not bring someone back to life. However, if this can get even one person thinking about a new way to prioritize their life, then I have done something. 

Institutionalized racism never went away. I think that’s a fallacy that unaffected people believe because it’s easy. I loved Will Smith’s quote that “Racism isn’t getting worse, it’s getting filmed.” It’s like when you were little and you “cleaned” your room which really meant you just pushed everything in the closet or under the bed. Eventually, that stuff falls out and people find it. Why do we keep pretending? I can’t believe I just had to compare America to a literal child, that’t what it feels like.

All the while, social media is riddled with friends of mine out in groups. Let’s be real, I get it. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: I want to be with my friends too. I want to hug and kiss and cuddle the people I care about too. I want to party and not feel disgustingly lonely everyday. But guess what, every time I think that I think about what’s really important...and sometimes, SHOCK my wants are not always the most important thing. I’d rather sit in my house alone for another two months than EVER have to experience the loss that some of these people have felt due to COVID-19, and as much as it has been overused as a joke, the phrase “check your privilege” is good advice.

I know in my last post I talked about how excited I was for the future. That is absolutely still true. There is so much beauty in the world that is so regularly overlooked. However (and I’m trying to write this without getting religious..I failed) my inner Hobbes comes out all the time in saying that humans are just innately selfish. We’re animals, literally, (thanks Darwin, wow I’m really name dropping a lot today..also, why do people think that if you’re religious you can’t also believe in some aspects of evolution..ignorance) ANYWAY, what I think it all comes down to is fear. 

I recently read a book by Max Lucado called “Fearless.” This particular book was rooted in Christianity which was interesting because for the past few years I had been a little doubtful of my faith (although that’s a different story). I never really expected it to have any relevance in my blog, but the more I think about it, the more it molds how I live my life. Naturally, I’m surround by people of various beliefs and I wouldn’t want it any other way. However, when the world seems to be as evil as it currently is, it makes most people feel like even God abandoned us. However He tells us to not be afraid. I know that you could easily scroll up to where I said, “I’m terrified of the world,” as an argument and that is still true because I’m human; but, when I look more deeply into that fear and anger I realize that chaos only brings chaos and unless you put that fear aside, nothing will come from it.

Let me clarify, I’m not saying that it would be easy for me to interfere if I saw a cop abusing his power. I’m not saying that you need to become an omnipotent superhero and if you don’t then you’re racist. Instead, do something peaceful that prevent that situation from ever happening in the first place. As much as white privilege is disgusting and the inequality is blatant, at the very least use that privilege to the advantage of everyone’s safety before the situation gets worse.

That is why white silence is deafening at this point. If you fear for the loss of your rights in protecting someone else’s then you’re clearly confused about the concept. How dare anyone tell me that “I’m uncomfortable talking about it.” If it were your reality, you wouldn’t have a choice, and you wouldn’t be uncomfortable then. Posting on Instagram is not enough. It’s not. Take time out of your day to think about someone other than yourself, I’m begging at this point. 

I had an internship last summer that dealt with institutionalized educational racism and it was the most telling experience of my life because even within the STAFF there were clear hierarchies. Even though it wasn’t race, it was either status or age or gender. It doesn’t matter. There will always be something. And even though we should just help people from the kindness of our hearts and shared knowledge that we’re all human, if that for some reason is not enough for you, know that you could be targeted next for a reason other than race. 

I pray in my heart that I continue to live my life in a way that other’s benefit from the work that I do. All I could ever want in my entire life is to make someone else’s world brighter and safer. It baffles and confuses me that someone wouldn’t want this. I truly feel like I am at a stalemate in my head sometimes because while I so fortuitously believe that the world is a beautiful place full of good, it’s getting harder and harder to weed through the ignorance and greed and separations between people that need nothing more than to be unified. 

It’s a confusing concept because while an animal’s instincts are to do anything it can to survive, it’s also known through evolutionary research that humans are social creatures (thanks Sapiens, great book..although a 4th grade student in a history class could have told you that). We quite literally need each other, and it’s unfortunate that this isn’t commonplace fact in society. 

It’s grim and rainy today. I thought, “how fitting.” It’s like the sky is crying over this absolute madness. If anything, I know what my values are now and that is something that I will continue to pride myself on for the rest of my life. 

George Floyd. 

Say his name and don’t forget it. 

In fact, say all of their names. 

I won’t turn a blind eye anymore. 

-Julia 

[buffysresources-archive]

╰    🔪    *    SENTENCE  STARTERS    ─     SUMMER  OF  ‘84    !

feel  free  to  change  pronouns  around  for  whatever  fits  best  .    fair  warning  some  of  these  are  “nsfw”  in  the  teenage  boys  are  gross  kinda  way  &  some  mentions  of  dead  things  /  dead  bodies  /  killers  .

‘  even serial killers live next door to somebody .  ’ ‘  tough pill to swallow , i know , but it’s true .  ’ ‘  people hardly ever let you know who they really are .  ’ ‘  the suburbs are where the craziest shit happens .  ’ ‘  what’s with all the dirt ?  ’ ‘  lame , you’re better than that .  ’ ‘  vaginas are magical .  ’ ‘  it was on vacation dipshit .  ’ ‘  i would live up here if i could .  ’ ‘  i don’t know how safe that would be .  ’ ‘  it’s a conspiracy , it’s all connected .  ’ ‘  there’s literally no proof of that .  ’ ‘  you guys are animals .  ’ ‘  you are so dead !  ’ ‘  doesn’t mean i’m ready to give it up .  ’ ‘  always something that needs reporting .  ’ ‘  you asked to touch her boobs & she threw you over the railing .  ’ ‘  okay , now i know you’re full of shit .  ’ ‘  it smells like werewolf crap .  ’ ‘  i got needs , ( name ) .  ’ ‘  she’s like scientifically the perfect woman .  ’

‘  what kinda games ?  ’ ‘  what kinda games ? naughty games ?  ’ ‘  the future is doomed , ( name ) .  ’ ‘  let’s not gossip . . .  ’ ‘  something big is going down .  ’ ‘  it’s a serial killer !  ’ ‘  this is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to us .  ’ ‘  there’s no way it’s gonna hit us .  ’ ‘  you’re desperate for crazy shit to happen .  ’ ‘  incoming titties , twelve o’clock !  ’ ‘  you guys are disgusting !  ’ ‘  aw , i’m so fucked .  ’ ‘  unlike you idiots , i actually come here to study !  ’ ‘  cut the shit !  ’ ‘  he’s bored so he’s raising the stakes .  ’ ‘  jesus , ( name ) , it’s not like you’re gonna break it !  ’ ‘  peak a boobs !  ’ ‘  free porn , bro .  ’ ‘  is he just gonna take that ?  ’ ‘  let’s go get the little shit .  ’ ‘  uh , this way dick weeds .  ’ ‘  don’t even say it .  ’ ‘  whatever , i’m out .  ’ ‘  i got a book to finish anyway .  ’ ‘  congrats , you’re getting your calcium . so what ?  ’ ‘  i blame myself .  ’ ‘  i also blame ( name ) .  ’ ‘  redheads all look the same .  ’ ‘  ( name ) , what the fuck ?  ’ ‘  god damnit , fine .  ’ ‘  still not convinced ?  ’ ‘  he can plant evidence to throw them off .  ’ ‘  who would suspect a cop ? it’s the perfect cover .  ’ ‘  okay , magnum p.i. . what’s your plan ?  ’ ‘  well we have to find out the truth & be able to prove it .  ’ ‘  this is batshit crazy , i’m in .  ’ ‘  probably wanks it & cries himself to sleep . . . loser .  ’ ‘  we catch this fucker & become heroes .  ’ ‘  they’re aliens & they’re highly intelligent !  ’ ‘  now if it was gremlins i’d buy it , maybe .  ’ ‘  stick to shit that could actually happen .  ’ ‘  dude , i told you to stop talking about my mom .  ’ ‘  would you rather i acted it out ?  ’ ‘  let’s break into his garage .  ’ ‘  trust me , i’ve got a plan .  ’ ‘  what the hell are we doing ?  ’ ‘  there could be evidence in here .  ’ ‘  do you know me at all ?  ’ ‘  i am not digging through trash !  ’ ‘  if i find a used condom in there , i’m gonna be so jealous .  ’ ‘  you guys are crazy .  ’ ‘  quit crying , ( name ) .  ’ ‘  you know you can get aids from looking through trash , right ?  ’ ‘  the only way you’re ever getting aids .  ’ ‘  i can’t believe it , nothing .  ’ ‘  a lair ? he’s cobra commander now ?  ’ ‘  we could always look through his mail .  ’ ‘  ask & you shall receive .  ’ ‘  i’ll take care of that responsibility .  ’ ‘  night one , no luck .  ’ ‘  kinda don’t wanna be home .  ’ ‘  we can make popcorn & watch close encounters .  ’ ‘  you’re so good .  ’ ‘  dude , what took you so long ?  ’ ‘  expecting someone so late ?  ’ ‘  wow , guess i haven’t been here in a while .  ’ ‘  better view of my room than i thought .  ’ ‘  sucks how much things have changed .  ’ ‘  oh , fuck me .  ’ ‘  get down , shit for brains !  ’ ‘  i’m dead shit !  ’ ‘  you look like you’re thirty , it’s gonna be fine .  ’ ‘  where were you last night ? i thought you were coming over .  ’ ‘  you’ll never believe who showed up at my door instead .  ’ ‘  she was about to kiss me .  ’ ‘  we’re picking up this convo later .  ’ ‘  we’ve gotta keep following him , go .  ’ ‘  you drive like my grandma , dude .  ’ ‘  freak this !  ’ ‘  i’m never doing this again , you guys are dicks !  ’ ‘  let’s just get home as fast as we can .  ’ ‘  oh shit , fuck !  ’ ‘  it’s a cop !  ’ ‘  i don’t have my license genius !  ’ ‘  i’m so screwed !  ’ ‘  we were just borrowing it !  ’ ‘  you could be in some real trouble .  ’ ‘  ( name ) , what a surprise .  ’ ‘  ( name ) , we meet again .  ’ ‘  get your asses home where it’s safe & stay there .  ’ ‘  unless he stashed it some place .  ’ ‘  we’re onto you , ( name ) .  ’ ‘  i thought everything was fine . . .  ’ ‘  they didn’t even seem upset .  ’ ‘  i just feel like my life has been one big lie .  ’ ‘  who knows what really goes on behind closed doors ?  ’ ‘  people keep stuff like that private .  ’ ‘  honestly , i can’t wait to get out of this stupid town .  ’ ‘  can i tell you my secret ?  ’ ‘  yeah , that’s what he wants you to think .  ’ ‘  i know how your brain works but you’re wrong .  ’ ‘  i’m not gonna get caught .  ’ ‘  just let the cops handle this .  ’ ‘  i don’t want anything bad to happen to you .  ’ ‘  you’re like the only person left in this town i actually like .   ’ ‘  finally using those brain powers for good , about damn time .  ’ ‘  guess you dickheads just aren’t men yet .  ’ ‘  what’s the deal with you & ( name ) .  ’ ‘  we have like a connection .  ’ ‘  the only connection i want with her is vaginal . or oral if she’s into that .  ’ ‘  everyone keeps their doors unlocked around here .  ’ ‘  you said he killed kids , not adults .  ’ ‘  they said something must have gone wrong  ’ ‘  fuck that , i mean you wanna go in there be my guest .  ’ ‘  dumbasses first .  ’ ‘  ( name ) , i was kidding !  ’ ‘  i’ve got a bad feeling about this .  ’ ‘  the light doesn’t work .  ’ ‘  you guys smell that ?  ’ ‘  it smells like road kill .  ’ ‘  if there’s dead bodies in here i’m totally gonna shit my calvins .  ’ ‘  you guys still think i’m crazy ?  ’ ‘  he could still be in the house .  ’ ‘  we scared you ? !  ’ ‘  it’s easy money usually .  ’ ‘  wait were you really talking to her ?  ’ ‘  what’s going on here ?  ’ ‘  you guys hooking up ?  ’ ‘  you are my god !  ’ ‘  i fucking love you !  ’ ‘  can i get a picture of you for my shrine ?  ’ ‘  no way , you still have those ?  ’ ‘  audio surveillance , smart .  ’ ‘  found you , you big tittied butthole !  ’ ‘  why don’t you shut the fuck up & get out of here before i pound you , you little shit !  ’ ‘  whatever , pussy !  ’ ‘  freaking hate that kid .  ’ ‘  holy shit , he’s got blood on him !  ’ ‘  do you think he’s onto us ?  ’ ‘  we’ve gotta make it work .  ’ ‘  you scared the hell outta me last night .  ’ ‘  guess you didn’t see me coming either though .  ’ ‘  i’m ready for you this time .  ’ ‘  thanks for the offer .  ’ ‘  i’m freaking the fuck out !  ’ ‘  oh my god , he’s onto us !  ’ ‘  i should have just gone to space camp .  ’ ‘  it’s fool proof .  ’ ‘  what are you , a chicken ?  ’ ‘  hello ? someone there ?  ’ ‘  that was way too freakin close .  ’ ‘  there’s nothing here .  ’ ‘  i got this .  ’ ‘  i’m just good at working the hole .  ’ ‘  unless he’s killing people with his lawnmower , we got jack shit .  ’ ‘  well this whole night’s been a waste of time .  ’ ‘  you got a death wish ?  ’ ‘  you’re not gonna believe what we found .  ’ ‘  how the hell am i supposed to know ?  ’ ‘  classic ( name ) .  ’ ‘  are you high ?  ’ ‘  your summer’s fucked .  ’ ‘  this is way too heavy , i’m out .  ’ ‘  do not come out of your room until i say so .  ’ ‘  no way , it’s a classic !  ’ ‘  everyone’s talking to me like i’m already gone .  ’ ‘  it’s wigging me out .  ’ ‘  the closer it gets , the more i feel alone .  ’ ‘  i wish i could get out of this stupid neighborhood . . .  ’ ‘  i’m gonna be locked up til i leave for college .  ’ ‘  i might have snuck out .  ’ ‘  i know i’m right about it , it’s the shittiest part about it .  ’ ‘  you only get the chance to be a kid once , believe me i know .  ’ ‘  if i’m right who is gonna stop it ?  ’ ‘  just kinda wanna make sure that we’re good .  ’ ‘  why haven’t you found him yet ?  ’ ‘  if you want i can stop by , give you updates ?  ’ ‘  i can tell you have an interest in this stuff .  ’ ‘  wow you really have it in for me , huh ?  ’ ‘  the last thing i want is for there to be bad blood between us .  ’ ‘  i’m pretty sure my parents hate me now .  ’ ‘  you’ve got quite the imagination .  ’ ‘  my dad says it’s because i read too many mysteries .  ’ ‘  it’s exciting , the stuff that’s going on .  ’ ‘  he might be at practice or something .  ’ ‘  look , i’m sorry for being such an idiot .  ’ ‘  how are you guys not freaking out right now ?  ’ ‘  this proves he’s guilty !  ’ ‘  justice will be served .  ’ ‘  you’re clearly fucked in the head .  ’ ‘  dude you just sound desperate now .  ’ ‘  just admit you were wrong .  ’ ‘  tape doesn’t lie .  ’ ‘  i know you guys all think i’m crazy , but i’m gonna prove it to you .  ’ ‘  i just need you guys to watch my back .  ’ ‘  i’m done with this shit , okay .  ’ ‘  you’re gonna get caught !  ’ ‘  are you with me ?  ’ ‘  if shit goes sideways , i’m pinning it all on you .  ’ ‘  this is your last shot , ( name ) .  ’ ‘  i mean if you think there’s something down there , i guess i’m in too .  ’ ‘  this is so not fair !  ’ ‘  it’s go time !  ’ ‘  don’t you ever talk to me that way again !  ’ ‘  it’s no wonder those kids are such fuck ups .  ’ ‘  can’t take a little family time ?  ’ ‘  fuck off , (name ) .  ’ ‘  why , you need an alibi ?  ’ ‘  hold this . . . this too !  ’ ‘  i’m not gonna let my best friend go into a serial killers house alone !  ’ ‘  let’s just make this quick okay ?  ’ ‘  why do you keep doing that to us ?  ’ ‘  i figured you’d need some help .  ’ ‘  listen to me , it’s over .  ’ ‘  i’m sorry man but you’re on your own .  ’ ‘  i mean , we’re already here . we might as well just check it out .  ’ ‘  we have to look .  ’ ‘  we’re about to find the proof , i know it .  ’ ‘  please tell me somebody brought a flashlight .  ’ ‘  creepiest basement ever . . .  ’ ‘  jesus fuck !  ’ ‘  calm down , it’s just a light .  ’ ‘  oh my god , take a chill pill !  ’ ‘  shine a flashlight on the lock .  ’ ‘  did ( name ) teach you this ? it doesn’t work !  ’ ‘  vagina !  ’ ‘  the whole things off .  ’ ‘  are you fucking kidding me ?  ’ ‘  it’s a long story , just trust me .  ’ ‘  fuck that , i gotta hear this .   ’ ‘  maybe i could sleep at your place tonight ?  ’ ‘  parents again ?  ’ ‘  how bad’s it this time ?  ’ ‘  let’s just say i don’t wanna witness a murder-suicide .  ’ ‘  but i’m not watching gilligan's island  ’ ‘  you think he keeps his victims here or something ?  ’ ‘  just make sure you’re filming .  ’ ‘  no , ( name ) , wait . . .  ’ ‘  is this enough proof for you ?  ’ ‘  we need to go . . . now .  ’ ‘  i’m next . . .  ’ ‘  it happened because of you .  ’ ‘  i’m proud of you , i’m real proud .  ’ ‘  you guys are safe now .  ’ ‘  i wonder where he is . . .  ’ ‘  it’s just a matter of time .  ’ ‘  nothing’s ever gonna be the same again .  ’ ‘  you think they’ll catch him ?  ’ ‘  there’s nowhere left for him to hide .  ’ ‘  it’s over , we got him .  ’

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Jenny’s Belated Live Blogging - 31st October 2019

- well that was boring

- First of all...not nearly enough Aaron and no Seb even though they talked about him a lot. 

- Good on Seb for having like 3 cars by now though. He really is Robert and Aaron’s son. However, the fact that we yet again did not get to see Seb in a Halloween costume is a travesty. 

- Since I’ve seen the anons on my dash already, I don’t know how I feel about the idea of Seb being with Aaron tomorrow for the visit either but I’ll wait and see what the scenes are I guess. I genuinely expect nothing. It really does feel like he’s just already gone and it has since friday of week 42 to be honest. I mean of course I want a final emotional scene and I want him to get a final shot of the episode or something if this is his last one but I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll be annoyed when it doesn’t go well and everyone here hates it but I just sort of expect it to be disappointing and for them to be the E plot even though that’s dumb but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. I just feel like we had our goodbyes in the woods and that phone call and everything after is really just fuel for Aaron’s story. As much as that’s frustrating from a Robert fan perspective. But we shall see tomorrow. 

- I really hate that Luke is Lee’s brother. I mean obviously the family of a rapist is not inherently evil, see all the conversations surrounding Aaron and Vic’s baby etc but the idea that they might make Vic’s next relationship be with the brother of her rapist after also giving her the baby she always wanted through said rape, it’s just gross and I’m not a fan. But if that’s not where they’re going with it, then I don’t know what the purpose of Luke is. So...

- I do like Vic and Aaron being friendly though. Obviously the spiral is probably going to throw a spanner in that but I miss the friendship they used to have and when Vic isn’t being thrown under the bus for plot purposes, she’s actually a tolerable character and I like her and Aaron being there for each other in this sad sad post Robert world. 

- As for the rest of the episode...ugh

- I mean I like Vinny with the Dingles but I have no clue where they’re trying to go with that. I feel like even if they found out he wasn’t her son, they’d be mad at Mandy for lying, not so much at Vinny who just wants to be part of their family. Although, I didn’t like the way he was looking at Belle. That was creepy. 

- I’m glad that, on screen, Aaron and then Robert were the first people to drink from the Welly because now it’s so overused. And after Lachlan they should really be more discerning with who they let drink from it. 

- The weed story...sigh...I’m glad it’s sort of mostly come to an end aside from telling Nicola and it did bring up some interesting stuff between Jai and Laurel that wasn’t immediately resolved so that has some mild potential. But I’m still just sort of confused by the whole thing and why it has gone on quite so long. And why would you just burn the weed in a barrel to get rid of it??? And then stand over the smoke and breathe it in??? Haha. 

- All the kids were out in this episode again. The Arthur/Archie rivalry reminds me of when Arthur was getting jealous of all of the attention April was getting back in the Laurel/Marlon days. Similar thing with Archie having just lost his mum. Also...hi Dotty...you’re like a real little person now. 

- As for Jacob...like, I’m glad they haven’t totally forgotten about Maya and that he’s still dealing with the after effects of that whole story, but I’m still really mad that they never properly resolved anything with him or had him make any kind of breakthrough. Even if he eventually does have one, it’s way too late. I do think it’s interesting exploring the possibility of a new age appropriate girl liking him though. There’s definitely good potential content there, I’m just still mad they messed up that original ending so badly. 

- I just don’t know what to make of Kerry. She was back sort of being her quirky side character self in this episode and it worked apart from the fact that I’m still thinking about the Frank story and how they’ve done nothing to properly resolve that either. Same thing I felt with Amy and Cain before she left. It just doesn’t work. And Tracy has been MIA along with Vanessa so we haven’t even had them around to know the truth and Charity who does hasn’t been involved with them at all. And I still think the Sharma’s deserve to know the truth. I just really don’t get that story, especially if they never really do anymore with it. 

- And then we have more convoluted backstories from the Home Farm gang! Hooray! I just...it’s so bad. I mean I want them to burn Home Farm to the ground so we never have to deal with these families again but god even the Whites worked slightly better for me. At least they had present day problems that didn’t entirely rely on convoluted off screen backstories. I mean there was some with Lawrence not being Chrissie’s dad but that linked back to Edna and Harold and there was just more there for me that made sense rather than just having Graham be a cryptic robotic exposition machine all the time. First with Joe, Kim owns everything. Then Kim and Graham had some on and off relationship for years despite the fact that they never really seem like they’re together. Then Andrea was suddenly working for Graham. Then Graham is possibly Millie’s father. Then Jamie was the one who got Kim sent to prison. Like...enough. Do something in the present. At least when Kim was taking control of the factory it was in the present. The rest of it is just not good. Not to mention they tried to give Jamie and Kim a little drama today and then she immediately went back on her threats and went to read Millie a story. At least do something with these revelations if you’re going to keep bringing them up. I don’t know. I just don’t get what they think they’re doing with that character group. They all work better outside of Home Farm and with other characters. Stop trying to force it or at least stick to something. Sigh...

- I mean I guess Kim is going to go after Graham now but since it’s all based on practically nothing, I don’t expect it will be very interesting. 

- And Al is such a waste without the Ellis stuff. I don’t know what they’re going to do with him because him just hanging around Kim and becoming sort of the new Graham doesn’t work. I’d much rather they actually had a Kim/Al romance or something but like make it legitimate with real feelings. Something...

- Anyway....I’ll just reiterate that this episode needed way more Aaron.

[graduationemmasep]

'I like the way MDMA gives you a deep sense of connection to your friends'

I'm no fiend. Most nights I'd rather share a bottle of wine with some friends than stay up till 6am getting sweaty and boggle-eyed on a bender. But while I associate alcohol with talking about past experiences, I associate drugs with making new ones. Party drugs can often make a stranger feel like a confidant; a simple trip to a town centre feel like an Enid Blyton escapade.

I probably take class-A party drugs such as MDMA or cocaine once a fortnight, and have done since I was 16 (I'm 27 now). I like the way cocaine gives you a new lease of life, like a mushroom in Super Mario, to carry on with a night out. I like the way MDMA softens the edges of reality and gives you a deep sense of connection to your friends that you can never get when you meet them for dinner and they moan about their jobs. I like how when you're coming down from a pill another person's touch has a comforting, almost electric capacity. If you're suffering from exhaustion, anxiety or stress, recreational drugs can give you a bit of a leg-up.

Drugs can also be a total pain. Ecstasy can make you feel like you're floating in a cloud, but just as often it's an admin nightmare: you come up at different times from your friends; only half the people in a group remembered to get sorted and there's endless hassle at a party trying to get more. Even when you're having a great time, there's a self-doubting internal monologue running through the whole process: Have I done enough? Am I coming up? Do I look like a prick?

I would just like to have that conversation about drugs being sometimes brilliant and occasionally annoying. Yet I feel like there is no one who is willing to talk about drugs in those terms.

When children ask their parents where babies come from, they get a white lie – a stork delivers them, you find them in a cabbage patch, you order them from Ocado. That's the closest thing I can think of to explain the difference between the perception and the reality of drug use by young people in the UK. There is a societal stork myth that is propagated by the media and popular culture to hide a basic reality. Even users themselves are entirely unwilling to talk about drug-taking honestly. Everything in the drugs world tries to stifle this conversation. Take nightclubs. It doesn't take a genius to work out that staying up till 6am listening to dance music at an ear-splitting volume would not only be unenjoyable without some kind of mind-altering stimulant, but a painful test of endurance. Most people in big nightclubs are on drugs. The clubs know that: that's why they charge so much for entry and, often, for bottles of water. They know that not many people will be buying drinks. Most of them have in-house dealers too, so they can sort out their DJs. Bigger DJs put requests for drugs on their rider. "We just put it on expenses as 'fruit and flowers'," a promoter at a major nightclub told me this year. But there's still a stork charade, with the venue covered in posters promising to eject drug users and bouncers searching punters – but not too thoroughly. The pretence is that this could all be above board.

I suppose the reason for this false picture of drug-taking is that most people don't take drugs. The statistics show that only a small fraction of the UK population are regular drugs users, and a smaller fraction still do anything harder than weed. But drug use is not spread evenly across the country, nor across age groups. In my demographic – under 30, living in London, job in the creative industries, disposable income – almost everyone is a recreational drugs user.

Where I grew up in south London, it was pretty uncommon to find someone who didn't at least smoke weed. The children of more middle-class parents were taking cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine and mephedrone almost every weekend. These were not reprobates ruining their lives: they were intelligent, bright people who got three As at A-level and went to good universities.

We would go to raves in places such as Camberwell and Hackney Wick, to warehouse venues where almost no one was over 18. White powders flowed as freely as the Fanta Fruit Twist and Malibu we were drinking. Festivals played a big part, too. Parents, even quite strict ones who wouldn't dream of letting their kids out past midnight, were happy to send their kids to music festivals, perhaps because of the reverent music-focused coverage in the media.

If you go to somewhere like Reading or Benicàssim, almost everyone is under 20. Half of them barely leave the campsite. Festivals are drugs playgrounds where teenagers experiment with copious amounts of uppers in presumably quite dangerous combinations. Some of the best moments of my life took place going to festivals as a teenager. I remember one muddy year at Glastonbury, racing down the hill arm-in-arm with a bunch of people, all off our faces on MDMA, feeling happier than I had ever felt. Another year, I remember taking mephedrone with a girl I fancied during Blur's headline set, both weeping with joy at a band we'd grown up with our whole lives.

Again, everyone knows this; no one thinks the thousands who watch the sunrise at the stone circle in Glastonbury every year are just on a high from seeing Mumford and Sons. But the festivals keep up the pretence that they are drug-free zones. Even a recent BBC3 show, Festivals, Sex and Suspicious Parents, which was supposed to show parents what their kids really got up to at festivals, ignored the fact that as the cameras panned around the festival, many revellers were plainly as high as a kite, their jaws swinging back and forth like pendulums, a side-effect of taking ecstasy. The voiceover just kept talking about people being "drunk".

I am also part of the first generation of people whose parents are likely to have been drug users. Of course, some adults would be outraged, like the parents on BBC3, to see what their kids got up to. But many more knew only too well – plenty of people I know would smoke weed or share dealers with their parents. In some families drug use had less stigma than smoking.

I thought all this was normal, but at university I met, for the first time, young people who totally abstained from drugs. They mostly came from outside major cities, or outside the UK, and many shivered in horror when they saw the rest of us dabbing our gums with mysterious white powders. I thought there would be a rift in social lives, an us-and-them situation, but it was around that time that mephedrone happened. Known by literally no young person ever as "meow meow", mephedrone was a legal high that changed attitudes towards drug-taking. Polite do-right kids who would never dream of taking illegal drugs were happy to chow down on bombs (self-made wontons of mephedrone powder wrapped in Rizla) like they were no more risqué than chocolate liqueurs.

Mephedrone was incredibly cheap – about a tenner a gram – and incredibly available. You could order it with next-day delivery to your university PO box. Mephedrone was a drugs phenomenon of which I have never seen the likes before or since. Everyone started doing it. I remember visiting a friend at Leeds University during this period. We went to a club and the queue for the men's bogs was at least 70 people long. When I finally got inside the place stunk of mephedrone, you could hear everyone loudly sniffing.

On nights out during this time, everyone would be raging – making out with one another, dancing with total abandon. But the comedowns were immediate and severe, far worse than ecstasy. By 4am people would be lying on the floor sharing the most intimate and personal shames and secrets, as if the drug was somehow compelling them to be honest. Some people called it a truth serum. Friendships were forged in the hot irons of that emotional exposition, as were the most horrendous hangovers.

Mephedrone was banned within two years of it taking off. People talk a lot about one legal high being banned only for another to take its place, but the real legacy of mephedrone was to numb the stigma of harder drugs. By the time I left university, many of the drug abstainers who had tried mephedrone became relaxed about most illegal drugs, too.

Ecstasy and mephedrone make it pretty hard to get much done in the days after taking them. You can't regularly use them and be a successful, functioning adult, so they become a rarer treat once you leave student life. In their 20s most people are overworked: they have second jobs and work incredibly long hours. If they're going to go out on a Friday night they need a pick-me-up. And that is why cocaine remains the young professional's drug of choice.

I see cocaine usage almost every weekend wherever I go: clubs, pubs, people's houses, dinner parties. At fancy celebrity parties, the sort you see on Mail Online, cocaine is so prevalent that it's almost boring. Everyone does it – butter-wouldn't-melt TV presenters, wholesome pop stars adored by your mum, people who would immediately lose their job if anyone found out. Those tabloid stings where they catch someone doing cocaine are kind of hilarious in that respect. If you followed any celebrity around with a secret camera on a Friday night you'd be almost guaranteed to find them doing coke. But cocaine users are like hipsters in the way they will vehemently deny they are one, and cast aspersions on others. "It was just full of self-aggrandising wankers doing coke and talking about themselves," someone will say about a party where they did cocaine and talked about themselves. Most of my friends are cocaine users, but I've never heard them say one nice thing about cocaine.

No doubt some people will have read this piece and think that I am just a monstrous twat, that this has all been little more than infantile boasting in a vain attempt to try to sound cool. But that, too, is part of the cover-up, that any open discussion of using drugs or enjoying them is necessarily a boast. We can talk about great food, great films, great sex, but if we talk about great drugs we immediately sound like we're engaging in some teenage bravado. That's why the biggest taboo surrounding drugs today isn't taking drugs, but saying that they're fun.

I'm not saying that people are lying about the negative effects. I have, of course, seen lives ruined by drugs. Rarely has this been because of an overdose or because someone has ruined themselves financially because of addiction (although I am only 27 – that may yet come). Far more often I have just seen people become dulled through regular drug use: their youthful spark extinguished by a never-ceasing quest to get on it; brains frazzled by overheated synapses. There are friends I want to slap every time I see them doing another line, but I can't because that would be hypocritical.

I also appreciate that's it's easy to be blasé about drug use when you're a well-adjusted middle-class white guy who has never been stopped by the police and has a distant non-social relationship with their drug dealer. For many people, drugs aren't something they can dip in and out of and separate from their lives. People entangled in the economic and legal realities of drugs – dealers, those convicted of possession, addicts – don't have the luxury of my relaxed attitude.

But until we stop pretending that getting high is inherently bad – that drugs can never be brilliant, can never enhance human experience for the better – how can we properly deal with people whose lives have been made worse by drugs? At some point, kids grow up and learn the facts of life. I think it's time we all had the talk.

[shawn-does-stuff]

Shawn Mendes: ‘I’m 20. I want to have fun’

by Michael Cragg

Shawn Mendes is the red-hot poster boy of pop. His videos have been viewed 6bn times and he has more than 42m followers on Instagram. But don’t worry if you haven’t heard of him… just ask a teenager

Shawn Mendes is standing in his underpants in a suite on the fifth floor of a London hotel as a 200-strong crowd of screaming teenage girls gathers outside. “Everyone who doesn’t need to be in the room, leave the room,” he says politely but firmly, in a soft Canadian drawl. Pop’s current poster boy should be used to causing a stir. His #MyCalvins campaign (following in the footsteps of Justin Bieber in 2016) broke the internet earlier this year, inching the 20-year-old teen phenomenon – three US chart-topping albums, 30m monthly listeners on Spotify, more than 6bn video views – closer to tabloid supremacy and global domination.

At the Brit Awards that night, Mendes will cringe as presenter Jack Whitehall ribs him about “suspicious packages”, so it’s curious to hear him describe the Calvin Klein opportunity – and the subsequent results pored over by his 42m Instagram followers – as “a goal of mine at the top of 2018. As much as it’s a stepping stone for me to play a stadium, it’s a huge moment for me to step in front of a camera and take my shirt off. I don’t see one being less meaningful than the other.”

The air is thick with earnestness as we sit down for lunch in the hotel restaurant. I blurt out a question about whether he had to wear extra padding. “No,” he says, eyebrow raised. “They’re really good underwear.” Did they send you some free ones? “Yeah, I have boxes of them at home.” He lifts up the bottom edge of his T-shirt and pulls at the waistband of his underwear before quickly pulling his shirt back down. You’re not wearing them today are you? “Not right now,” he says sheepishly. “I should be.”

Mendes’s boy-next-door appeal and laser-guided ambition feels rather wholesome, with his sensitive, heart-on-sleeve pop-rock bops such as 2015’s UK chart-topper Stitches, positioning him as perfect boyfriend material in pop’s all important fantasy world. If Bieber is the unknowable loose cannon, then Mendes is pop’s picture-perfect head boy. But it’s clear that exposing himself so literally has its downside. “The last 48 hours have been so consuming, just reading what people are saying about me [on social media],” he sighs. Do you have to read it? “No, but there’s something about being human that makes you. I’m scared of social media and how much it affects me,” he continues. “It’s literally become infused with who I am.”

Last October he apologised to his 21m Twitter followers, claiming he was worried that what he was posting wasn’t meaningful enough. “For the first time I realised how many people are listening,” he says. He now monitors how often he goes online and tries to take regular breaks, using meditation to relax. “I don’t think of myself as conceited, but I definitely spend a lot of time reading about myself,” he says.

Mendes famously has three daily rules – going to the gym, two vocal lessons and never saying no to a selfie with a fan. He’s managed the first two so far and “took about 200 selfies yesterday”. Despite this, his rise has chimed with a shift in the upper echelons of pop – its recent exponents being anti-pop stars Adele, Ed Sheeran and (with her goofy dancing style and eternal quest for relatability) Taylor Swift, who’s now a friend. Even One Direction – whose blend of teen-orientated, guitar-led pop paved the way for Mendes – always felt like they were trying to play down the pop star element.

“The more open the world is getting, the more people are craving real,” he says. “I don’t think people want to see a made-up person. [In the past] there’s been a lot of dressing up, and I still think that stuff is amazing – like I’ll wear a sleeveless top – but at the end of it, when it comes down to you, I think it’s about being authentic.” For all this talk of authenticity and being like everyone else, I tell him, you’re also a pop star begging people to look at you. Do you have to believe your own hype? “Of course,” he says, his eyes darting over my shoulder to the mirrored wall behind. “You have to. If you wake up every day and say, ‘I’m OK,’ you’re going to just be that. If you wake up everyday and look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I’m great, let’s go sell out that stadium,’ then you will.”

You could say he’s been in motivational training for a while now, having started out as a 14-year-old YouTube star, uploading acoustic covers of songs (Bieber, among others), before switching to the now defunct social media platform Vine. He taught himself to play the guitar via YouTube tutorials at home in the small town of Pickering, Ontario, while one of his first public performances was in a plaza in Portugal where his family – mum Karen, a British estate agent, dad Manny, a Portuguese businessman, and younger sister Aaliyah – were holidaying. While his parents were shopping, Mendes hopped up next to a statue and belted out a Bruno Mars song. “I was sweating and I thought, ‘Dude, if you want to be a singer, you’ve got to at least be able to stand on this statue and sing,’” he says of that moment.

Where was that pressure coming from? “It was from myself, which is pretty much a big statement on my personality at 14 years old.”

While he says he loved school, his early fame – after signing to Island Records his debut single, Life of the Party, was released when he was just 15 – meant he was bullied. “People were cruel at first,” he says, clearing his throat and fiddling with the rim of a cup of green tea. “They just thought it was so stupid.” He’d skip school every Friday to attend influencer events in which social media stars met fans who already assumed they were friends. “I was taking 1,500 selfies a night,” he laughs. “You quickly learn that what you love to do is a job, but I don’t resent what I do. I don’t hate taking selfies.”

Success was rapid, with his third single Stitches breaking the US top five and peaking at number one in the UK. That same year he supported Swift on her 1989 stadium tour. How did he cope? “This life is more real to me than anything,” he says. “If I were to walk down the street and no one recognised me, I’d feel something was wrong. When I was really young [fame] morphed who I was. If it was to become normal, it would feel un-normal to me.”

From the outside, I say, the other recent pop artists who can relate to that are Britney Spears or Bieber, people who have had issues with growing up in the spotlight. “A couple of times I’ve worried about that, too, but outside of all this I live a really normal life,” he says slowly. “You have to make an effort to carry your own bags, drive your own car and not be afraid of the public. I don’t blame people at all who stay inside. I understand how it could be terrifying to go to a restaurant and eat because you’re scared someone’s going to take a photo of you.”

Is that more intrusive than a selfie? “I’ve been so lucky that fans have been taking photos of me eating since I was 15, so I’m a little bit numb to it,” he says, his tone rarely deviating from preternaturally calm. There’s probably an Instagram account called Shawn Mendes Eating, I joke (I check later and while there’s no account, there is a hashtag to follow). Can it feel as if he’s being watched? “I’m inherently [aware of] that all the time.” If it ever gets too much, he leaves rather than making a scene. Are you a people-pleaser, I ask? “Yeah, is that bad?” he smiles. “It can lead to failure, but if I fail trying to please everyone, then that’s OK.”

Mendes spends a lot of time contemplating people’s perceptions of him. Last year he publicly criticised a Rolling Stone cover story, expressing his regret that “the positive side of a story doesn’t always get fully told”. I assume it’s because the piece mentioned his penchant for smoking weed, a detail that had upset some fans. “That didn’t bother me,” he smiles. “Actually, I was happy about that because maybe it’s OK for them to understand that weed’s not a big deal.” He says he hasn’t smoked in three months.

Another part of the story focused on rumours about his sexuality. “For me it’s hurtful,” he says. “I get mad when people assume things about me because I imagine the people who don’t have the support system I have and how that must affect them.” (In late 2017 he posted an emotional Snapchat story: “First of all, I’m not gay. Second of all, it shouldn’t make a difference if I was or wasn’t.”) He sighs and says: “That was why I was so angry, and you can see I still get riled up, because I don’t think people understand that when you come at me about something that’s stupid you hurt so many other people. They might not be speaking, but they’re listening.”

He says the reason he criticised the article was over a small detail in which he mentioned Dua Lipa and her boyfriend, and how amazing it looked to be in love. “It made me seem so creepy,” he says. “If anything, the article made me realise your career isn’t over if people think you’re not perfect.” You could see how the creepy singleton tag might irk him, and also why it might stick – a lot of Mendes’s biggest singles play on the idea of him as the emotionally needy bloke who gets messed around and comes back for more.

Are you bored of being The Nice Guy? He splutters, clears his throat and sits bolt upright. “Yeah, I am! It sounds so stupid – to be a nice person is the best thing in the world – but, yeah, I’m 20 and I just want to have fun. What I don’t want to do is live the rest of my life thinking, ‘I wouldn’t do that because I’m known as Prince Charming.’ The second that someone corners you into a personality, you don’t want to be that person any more.”

Two weeks later, Mendes is onstage in Amsterdam. In keeping with the floral artwork for his recent self-titled album, a 50ft rose snakes up to the ceiling from the so-called B-stage where he’ll later serenade the throngs of teenage fans and nodding dads with a handful of ballads. Replica light-up roses (€20 a pop at the merch stand) bob about in the dark as Mendes runs through a hugely entertaining, PG-13 simulacrum of a rock show to ear-bleeding screams (“God I’m so old,” a woman sitting behind me yells as she surveys the crowd).

Keen to further align himself with the pantheon of rock’s smiliest exponents, tonight Mendes segues from a cover of Coldplay’s big-hearted anthem Fix You into his own, the Kings of Leon-esque In My Blood, a song that surprised fans by touching on depression. Tonight it’s transformed – with the help of a ticker tape explosion – into something close to catharsis.

“There’s nothing like being on stage – you feel like Superman!” he’d said earlier, claiming it to be better than sex or any high. “My goal now is to enjoy what I do more and more because otherwise it doesn’t fucking matter. I used to think it was all about the crowd, but I have to be happy within myself.” As he takes his millionth selfie, his face radiating pure elation, you believe he might be.

Shawn Mendes plays London O2 on 16, 17 and 19 April

Fashion editor Helen Seamons; grooming by Anna Thompson using Bobbi Brown and Monat; lighting by Michael Furlonger and Tilly Pearson; digital operator John Munro; fashion assistant Penny Chan; shot at 12th Knot, seacontainerslondon.com

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #265

“all is fair in love and war, i’m still rotten to the core.”

What's the latest youtube channel you've discovered and binge-watched? Ha, a WoW channel that basically gives advice and tutorials on stuff. She doesn't have many videos, but she's pretty successful already and chill as hell. Kraken Latte. Does it snow where you live? Occasionally. Very rarely does the snow stick, though, because the ground will be too warm. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? Short. Do you look best with or without bangs? Bitch I loved my emo bangs fuck off. Well, they weren't technically bangs, my hair was just parted far to the left. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Well, my phone doesn't have GREAT camera quality, but I usually do some subtle edits if I take a pic on it. What's your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Which season do you wish would last longer? Shit man, fall. At least here, the phase of colorful leaves is VERY short. Goes from green to totally bare in what feels like just a couple weeks. How many outdoor birthday parties have you had? Hell if I know. How much taller or shorter are you than your mom? We're the same height. Who is your favorite sibling? Lol wow that's mean. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Do you like sushi? I've actually never tried it, but I'm quite certain I wouldn't like it. Have you ever tried seaweed? Actually yes, I believe in the 4th grade? We had I think authentic Japanese (or Chinese, idr) food, and I recall there being seaweed. I didn't like it. The only thing I liked was the white rice, I think. Do you have an actual pig-shaped piggy bank? No, but I think I may have as a kiddo. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? No. Have you ever been to a gynecologist? I actually haven't because I've always said I wasn't sexually active (back then it wasn't a conscious lie, I just genuinely didn't realize what we were doing was just shallow sex). I'm absolutely terrified to go anyway because I'm just very very very private about this sort of thing and honestly think I'll have a panic attack when I do have to for the first time anyway. Name three games that you are good at. Shadow of the Colossus, Silent Hill, World of Warcraft. What was your favorite board game as a kid? Ha ha, somehow, it was this shopping game called "Mall Madness." Veeeery unfitting of who I was and what I enjoyed as a kid. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. Did you watch the Kids Choice Awards when you were a kid? No. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, I think. Do you have memories that still make you cry? Yes. Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus? No, considering I don't leave the damn house like ever. Do you know anyone who has the virus? Yes. Not personally, but distantly. Are you proud to be an American? (if applicable) Sometimes. What countries have you visited? I haven't left America. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. How many true heartbreaks have you had in your lifetime? Romantically, I only consider one to be a *real* heartbreak. Have you ever cut yourself? Yeah. Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? BOY DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was your first kiss romantic? Yes. Do you miss any of your exes right now? My PTSD has been awful awful AWFUL the past few days, so yes. A lot. Have you ever overdosed on anything? Yes. What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her of course, but I'd also be very confused. She's made it clear she doesn't believe a relationship is the best idea for her right now. Who was your date to prom? Jason took me to his senior prom, and I took him to mine. Do you still talk to your first love? No, I haven't spoken to him in over three years now. Wow. Whose wedding did you go to first? I don't remember. I'm sure it wasn't the first, but ONE of the earliest that I do remember was when my friend Summer's mom got remarried. He sadly passed away a long while ago though. Are you ashamed of anyone you've dated in the past? Tyler, yes. It was so pointless and a "let's see how this goes" versus a "I really like this guy and really want this relationship" thing. I honestly think I only said yes to dating because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I was lonely. What about anyone you've been friends with? There were certainly times it felt very weird calling Colleen my best friend with how bitchy she could be. Especially when you consider how non-confrontational I am, while she charged like a goddamn bull into arguments. Have you ever made out with someone in a pool? Uhhh I think that one night when I lived at the apartment and it was just us out there late at night. He and I went back inside before Jacob and Amanda TO hardcore make out because we both way too obviously wanted it so I wouldn't be remotely surprised if we snuck in some action at the pool oof. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? Sara. Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever kissed someone with a tongue ring? No, I was the person with the tongue ring. I actually took it out a little while back because I was tired of accidentally chomping down on it when eating and chipping teeth. I'd already told myself if I did it one more time I would, and especially right now, we can't afford to keep filling cavities that have come from it. I don't at all regret getting it and it'll always be one of the cutest piercings I think I've ever had, but it was just time for it to come out. Is it hard for you to get over a lover? I THINK I'VE MADE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! O BVIO US S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever tried making someone jealous? Not to my recollection. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Both of us really, but she initiated the breakup, you could say. Who is the last person you flirted with? Sara. Who's the most racist person you know? Jesus Christ, I live in the South. I know dozens of racists. I guess the worst is uhhh OH the aforementioned Colleen, holy fucking shit. I highly highly highly doubt that has changed at all since we last associated with each other. If you could be a film character, who would you be? Let me be Alice Liddell. Crunchy peanut butter or smooth? Smooth is the only way to go with pb. Would you rather always be in a crowd, or be the only person on earth? "Always be in a crowd. It wouldn’t be fun, but I think it’d be better than being that alone." <<<< This. I legitimately think I'd wind up killing myself in the other case. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Why? "Rich, because...what’s the point of being famous if you’re not rich? Just everyone knowing all of your business?" <<<< Also this. Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom? "I start off from the top until it gets used enough that I have to squeeze up from the bottom." <<<< Lemme just steal all this person's answers lmao. How many children do you want? Girls or boys? None, but if I was to have kids, I'd definitely want a girl. Is there a story behind your name? What is it? No. What was one of the most fun things you and your college roommate did together? I didn't have a college roommate. Well wait no, during my first college attempt is when I lived w/ Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. I'd honestly prefer to not think too hard back on it to answer this. Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? I don't even have a bank account. Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yeah, multiple. Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? Pads or tampons, nah. I'd feel awkward buying condoms though. Are your parents gullible? Dad probably is; he has very little common sense. I got it from him lmao. Mom, heeeeell no. Do you still own a VCR? No. What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It's black. No. Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? All three do. Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Younger. Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah. How often do you drink Monster? Never, because I don't like it. Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? HAHA I was a cringy teen once, my friends. Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? Inside. I feel safer. Do you own a nightgown? No, I haven't worn those since I was a kid. Have you ever worn fishnets? Fishnet gloves. I WISH I could pull off fishnet pants. Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? In times like THESE???????? Bitch I wanna go eat out at a yummy restaurant. Do you always wear your seat belt? ABSOLUTELY. I get so stressed out when I see people not wearing one. Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Not much older. Have you ever been in a play? Just school ones as a kid. Is there ice cream in your freezer? No, but there's popsicles from when I couldn't get my tongue ring out and it was massively swollen and in terrible pain. Thank God I finally got it out. Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Probably. Does your bathroom have a window? Yeah, but it's very small and up kinda high. Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? I used to, but I don't anymore. I just leave them be. Do you believe prayer really works? Nope. Have you been on a date in the park? No. Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? A whole. Fucking. Lot. To just name a few, depression, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, diabetes... Do you have asthma? No. Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Jason. Least favorite alcoholic drink? Mother of God, this white wine I tried at Colleen's forever ago. It was fucking repulsive. How did you meet the last male you texted? I mean I literally came from his balls so like Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Ha ha yeah, the one I've always had. It's not very adult-ish or "serious"-sounding, but I don't want to change it now. Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I squeeze with my right. Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No, I don't feel that would look good on me. Do you and your dad get along? Yes. When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? My last year of art in high school. I made an anatomical heart for Jason. I wonder a lot if he still has it after how much work I put into it. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore art. The world would be so much more boring without it. If you had to choose would you prefer dull pain for 12hours or sharp for 2? Ew, dull. Two hours with sharp pain sounds awful. Do you know the words to the national anthem of your country? Yeah. Would you rather be a Model, Famous Scientist, Singer or Chef? Scientist, probably. I'd love to be a biologist anyway, and that's a type of scientist. Would you rather be a pilot, crime scene investigator or estate agent? Ohhh, crime scene investigator. Does making others happy really make you feel happy? Yes! Did you ever swear at a teacher in school? Why? No. Have you ever pricked your finger on Holly or another ‘sharp’ plant? Yeah. Have you ever written your own short story? Yes. What about a novel? Or perhaps you started and couldn’t finish? "I started writing several novels, but abandoned them all." <<<< Same yo. Either of the above, if this was the case, place short synopsis here: The first one was about a very close meerkat family, divided into elemental "breeds," and the prince falling in love with another of his kind. His father had a stray brother who constantly aimed to destroy the family, but he was converted towards the end. That's all I can really remember about that one. There were others like two species of animals I made also falling in love, despite being predators and prey of each other, and fulfilling some sorta prophecy with their offspring. The other two I recall- yo fuck it I keep remember more and more okay I wrote a LOT. Do you prefer SciFi/Fantasy/Action/Horror or Rom/Com/RealLife? I'm guessing you mean in books, given the last three questions? I have a strong preference for fantasy. What do you have a lot of faith in [note: can be anything]? Hell if I know. Would you rather have a big house, a lot of kids or a high flying job? High flying job, easily. I don't want kids, nor do I need a large house, especially considering I hate cleaning even this tiny one. Have you ever been to a creepy/haunted/abandoned place? Yeah. What did it look like and what were the circumstances? It was this really old, mostly dilapidated shack full of cool stuff. It was by the field near our old house. Me, my sister, and our friend hung out there and explored all the time until this freaky woman showed out and told us we shouldn't be there. Do you know a Jack? What’s he like? Yeah. I don't him that well though, so idk. How about a Lisa? What’s she like? Yeah, she's one of my WoW friends that I've become really close with. She is an absolute sweetheart, but talks about herself way, way too excessively to the point it's hard to have a conversation sometimes. I know she doesn't realize it, though. When you have children, would you like twins? I say enough that I don't even want kids, SO FUCK NO. Do you know any twins? If so, what are they called? Yes. Tyler and Taylor. I know others, but idr their names. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're stubborn as all fuck hell. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name? Yeah, some online ones and then my mom has called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. Do you have any allergies? Yeah, of pollen and silver. What is the longest your hair has ever been? To or maybe even past the small of my back. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not my jam. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? I really don't kn- oh yes I do. I have these oooold old thin and sewn-back-up-fifty-times Batman pj pants from when Jason and I were together, so maybe like... seven years? Thanks PTSD, I'm attached to them because Batman was his thing. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant? Just about never. Nutella or peanut butter? UGGGGGHHHHH I've been on a nutella thing lately. Have you ever hosted a wild party? Definitely not. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it? Wings of Fire: The Lost Heir by Tui Sutherland. Yes, it was very good. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with? Besides my immediate family, like... none anymore. Have you ever donated blood? Yes. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays? This is hard to gauge. I've never seriously done it myself, and I don't really have the motivation to do it just to take it all down a month or so later. I love it in concept, but yeah. Favorite animated Disney character? Probably Kiara from TLK2. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself? Ha, no. Favorite winter activity? TAKING PICTURES IN THE SNOOOOOOOOW. Do you consider rapping singing? I mean I guess? Does your home have a fireplace? No. Do you listen to any religious music? No. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite? Ugh... soda is my weakness. I'd probably lose weight easier if I just stopped drinking it. Mountain Dew Voltage is my favorite, and I've also been on a serious strawberry Sunkist thing lately. How easily do you cry? I cry very, very easily. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit? Oh yeah. The only way I know how to gauge this one is that I enjoy the "hot" sauce at BWW lol. I've actually kinda cut back on HOW much I enjoy it, though; like I'm more into enjoying my food thoroughly lately than the adrenaline of spicy food. What day of the week is laundry day for you? I personally don't do the laundry because Mom prefers to just do ours together, so. It varies, I think. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of? Not on mine, but the one I currently have to use has tooons. I don't feel like looking at the lid trying to list what they are tho. How often do you say "y'all?" It's pretty much in my normal vernacular due to where I live. Do you believe in evolution? Yes. I have questions and curiosities about it, but when you consider how truly short it has been since considerable natural selection has been observed, why couldn't it exist on a bigger scale? Do you live in an apartment or a house? I live in a house. How long have you been at your current job? I'm unemployed. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship? Yes. Phrase you say the most? Probably "oof" lmao. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it? Yes and yes. Have you ever given anyone CPR? No. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube? Yes, mainly just editing stuff. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show? No. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? No. I've been at hockey games with Dad, but I don't consider those "TV shows." Have you ever given money to a street performer? I've never even seen one. Do you own any homemade clothing? Not that I know of. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market? Yeah, decorations 'n trinkets and stuff. I love flea markets. Have you ever quit a job? Yes. Are your birth parents together? No. Do you or have you ever worn glasses? I've worn glasses for years now. Have you ever been broken up with? AKA died in spirit? :^) Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank? Not to my recolleciton. Favorite fandom? Y'all been known, the Markiplier fandom is a goddamn family. Can you surf? No. What motivates you to do well in life? The knowledge that I've most likely only got one life to make something of. How lucky do you consider yourself? I mean, ALL things considered, I'd say I'm at just below the baseline, maybe? I mean I could be homeless or dying of malaria or something. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? No. Favorite summer activity? Swimming! Have you ever lived on a farm? No. I wanted to for years as a little kid, though. How often do you get mad at yourself? I've lately been in an almost constant state of anger regarding myself, honestly. Have you ever gotten any stitches? Yes. Favorite YouTube channel? The Marker Plier guy. Do you have a pool at your house? No. Last thing that made you laugh? Something on Game Grumps. Earbud or earmuff headphones? Earbuds. Earmuffs hurt my head and ears. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman? Yes. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight? I don't think so. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show? The only time I did that I remember is when Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. won America's Got Talent. I adored him and voted like mad. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military? Ummm maybe distantly? I don't know anyone off the top of my head. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies? Well yeah.

[takemedancingmaine]

Safety Net

“But I think what gets me the most is the way that she said it.” 

“Said what?” I asked. 

“This morning while I was making breakfast, Ashley was on her way out and she just said, ‘Next time don’t sleep with someone I told you I think is cute.’

“She told you she thinks he’s cute?” I asked Mehar, watching as she walked across campus and I ate my lunch at my desk. I was actually just about to get up and start making a cup of tea. 

“Well, yeah,” Mehar shrugged. “But Ruby, you know Ashley. She thinks every boy is cute and she never makes a move. I mean, if I never slept with anyone she found attractive I would never sleep with anyone. Besides, he approached me. Not the other way around.” 

“Is this your way of telling me that you like a boy?” 

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes as she waited at a crosswalk. “He’s no Niall, but he’s sweet and I wouldn’t mind sleeping with him again. Plus, he was telling me about tennis, trying to get me interested. I don’t think I’d hate it.” 

“Tennis?” I asked, wondering if I’d missed something. 

“Yeah,” she said. “He’s on the tennis team. He said he would have to get me out to a match, or we could just watch tennis on television and that way he could explain all of the rules to me.”

“And you’re considering watching sports,” I said incredulously. Who was my sister?

“I am.” 

“So you do like him.”

I watched closely as she narrowed her eyes and then looked up as a car horn honked in the background on her end of the call. 

“You like a boy,” I gasped. “Mehar! You like a boy!” I started bouncing up and down in the back corner of the kitchen while I waited for my water for my tea to boil. Louis glanced over at me and laughed quietly to himself when I shrugged and said, “My sister,” before I turned my attention back to Mehar. “My baby sister likes a boy! What's his name?”

Her face did that fluctuating thing it sometimes did. It was going back and forth between amusement, anger, frustration and, back to amusement. “Andy,” she said finally.

“Andy?” I asked with excitement colouring my tone. “Mehar, I need you to tell me everything. Please.”

My sister then spent the next hour detailing Andy in every possible way, including sexually--which I did not need to know, but she shared anyway. I was excited for her. Where I had been in relationships and had been in her shoes as well, Mehar had only ever been someone who used boys and then left them as soon as she was satisfied. She wasn’t scared of the emotional side, she just liked her lifestyle. In some way, I was kind of proud that she was doing what made her happy. 

This boy, Andy, was tall with an athletic build, light wavy hair, and dimples. He seemed really cute, and from the sound of it, even though they started the relationship on a physical note, he likes her back. He offered to get her coffee this morning and even made sure she got home safely from his place, driving her back to her apartment with enough time for her to get to change and get to class.

She told me about how they’d texted all morning, too, which in itself was an anomaly after Mehar slept with someone. She usually cut all contact afterwards. This was all new territory for her.

Still, now that she was talking about Andy, telling me about his smile and the fact that she was willing to upset Ashley, her friend and someone she lives with, I felt like something shifted in my sister. 

“I’m not all that worried that Ashley will be mad at me for sleeping with him. But Rubes, what happens if she finds out I’m going on a date with him?” She asked now.

“You’ve got a date scheduled?” I practically screeched. At this point, I had finished my lunch and was back at my desk, alternating between glancing at Mehar on the phone now that she was back at her apartment, and my computer screen. 

“No, I’m saying if we go on a date,” she clarified. “What do I say then?” she asked. 

Louis poked his head into my office and when he realised I was still on the phone he came around and stood beside me, so that he was in the frame, now. 

“Hey, babe!” he smiled at my sister, who I swear swooned when she saw it. If she hadn’t just spent an hour telling me about a different boy, I swear. 

“Hi Louis,” she blushed and then looked back at me. “Seriously, Ruby, what do I say?” she asked, almost desperate.

“About what?” Louis asked, already interested in what was happening. 

“She might be going on a date with a boy that one of her roommates told her she thinks is cute,” I filled him in. 

“Does she know him or does she just think he’s cute?” He asked, his contemplative face now situated firmly on his features. It was a testament to the kind of guy that Louis that he would willingly enter into this conversation. It might have something to do with him having five younger sisters, but it could also be that he’s just that good of a person. 

“She just thinks she’s cute,” Mehar told him. “But she somehow found out I slept with him last night and already said a snide comment to me this morning.” 

Louis shrugged. “So what?” He asked. “She doesn’t know him, and if you’ve got a real shot at something don’t let her stand in the way. She’s just imagining it, but you’re living it. Take that shot and run,” he insisted.

I nodded in approval. “Don’t let her dictate your happiness and what you want,” I echoed.

“So you’re saying if I want to, go on a date with him and see where it goes? Let Ashley be pissed off?” She asked as she looked between the two of us.

“Exactly,” Louis said. 

“Yeah, and if what you’ve told me about Ashley is true, she’ll just move on to another cute boy in the near future anyway and forget all about Andy,” I added.

“That’s true,” she sighed. “I just don’t think I’ve ever wanted to see a boy at all after we’ve slept together, except to sleep together again, but this might be different and I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“And that’s fine, love,” Louis assured her. “We all have those moments in life where we have no idea what we’re doing. Look at Ruby, she came up here and didn’t know anyone, but she knew what she wanted and made it all happen. I didn’t know what I was doing when I decided to use my business degree and actually open a bakery. You can learn about things and see things from afar, but you can’t ever really know until you’re in the thick of it, doing it all yourself. But you’ve got people on your side, babe,” he assured her. “At the very least you’ve got me and your sister. That counts for something.”

“It does,” she said back. “It means a lot.” 

“I’m glad,” Louis smiled. “Now I’m sorry, but your sister needs to help me with something because I’m a little slow on the uptake. Can she get back to you?” he asked.

“She can,” Mehar laughed. “Love you both.”

“Love you back!” Louis put his hand over his heart. 

“Love you too, Meh,” I crooned and ended the call before swivelling in my seat and facing Louis head-on. “What can I assist you with, Tomlinson?” I asked.

“I just needed you to reset the computer system and start it up again, because I had my computer freeze on it again and I can’t reset it from my terminal, so I need you to,” he explained. 

“Ah,” I nodded. “Let me just save this.” I saved the spreadsheet I was working in and then exited that and the computer program we used to track the business before I found the software to reset the whole backstage of the system. 

“Is your computer off?” I asked him before clicking it.

“It is,” he nodded, “but it’s also installing updates…” He trailed off with a cringe. I laughed. 

“Got it.” I clicked restart and the whole system began to shut down to repair itself and then restart in working order. 

“So are you still on for game night at Weed’s Tavern?” I asked him while we waited.

“I am,” he nodded. “I’m rather excited. We’re going to play Sorry and I’m going to destroy your ass, Singh.” 

“In your dreams, weirdo,” I shook my head. The computer was telling me that the system was back up now. 

“Alright, go get yourself back to work,” I shoved him away. “You’ve got things to bake and salaries to pay.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he waved me off before stepping out and heading back to his own office.

I think I was starting to scare Niall. 

In the three weeks since my panic episode on my way to Niall's, I'd had more. They were smaller scale-episodes, to be sure, but I was still having them. 

Sometimes they would hit me when I was at home and I couldn't remember if I locked my doors the first two times I had checked. Sometimes they would hit me when I was lying in bed at night terrified I'd have my dream again.

Other times I would just be doing something simple, like stirring fried rice in a wok and Niall would come up behind me to hold me close and I would jolt and pull away like I'd been electrocuted like he had electrocuted me.

It had gotten to the point where Niall wasn't sure what would set me off, but neither was I, so we would just tiptoe around each other. It was odd. Ever since we’d met neither of us ever felt the need to act wholly and completely ourselves, and yet here we were, shadows of who we typically were. 

That is not to say that Niall wasn’t helpful, he was. Him knowing gave me some sense of relief, lessened the guilt that tore away at my, but the circumstances under which he found out had rocked me to my core. It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with what happened. 

I could see that the burden of keeping this from our friends was weighing on him, too. He would drift off into his own thoughts and Liam would have to repeat himself two or three more times before he got Niall's attention back. Or he would make a face, just for a split second, whenever someone in the group suggested going out at night.

I was still having trouble believing I had told him. It felt like I had been shaken to my core like I was thrown off balance. I couldn’t believe I’d told him. I had no way of taking the story back, folding it neatly into the place I had been keeping it all this time. No matter what else happened, from here on out, I would remember Niall, because by telling him, he had become part of that story, of my story, too.

That weight was hanging over me. The thing about the truth, I was finding, was that even when you wanted to hide it away, it demanded to come out. Events had conspired to lead Niall to my truth. What worried me the most about this was that it meant somehow everyone else would be led to the truth.

That was another thing about the truth, the more people that knew it, the harder it was to hide it. It was just poised to fall out and be found out. Niall knowing was just the first step. It was causing me to constantly fret about what the next step was.

It didn't take Niall long to put together that Thursday night was self-defence class. If we ever got together on Thursday, it was always after seven-thirty, giving me enough time to get home and shower after class. It was the only day I'd put a time restriction on our going out or spending time together.

I was noticing how perceptive Niall was. It seemed he picked up on little things, tendencies of mine that had shifted since I’d been attacked. Whenever we left my house together he watched as I locked both front locks, only after checking at least the top back one. He noted that I never walked around with my hair up, only putting it up after I would get somewhere. He seemed to notice, for the first time, that I don't carry a purse--ever.

Just two days after my episode on that Thursday, he texted me during his lunch break and asked if he could come along with me to my class that night. I had dropped the pen I'd been using to the floor and had to take deep breaths to calm myself down before responding.

Which was how, six hours later, Brian met Niall and Niall was introduced to circuit training. I'd gotten many glances through the class, from both Brian and Niall, as a result of various tasks and workouts. It seemed both eyes were on me when Brian discussed how to use a structure (a wall, a fence, a porch railing, to your advantage when attacked. I steadfastly ignored both of their gazes.

I was genuinely impressed with how well Niall kept up with the class. The cardio wasn’t easy, even for someone like me who did workout every day. I knew Niall trained and played pickup soccer whenever he could, but I didn’t think he’d handle burpees and squat jumps like a pro.

After the session we were refilling our water bottles, sweat dripping from every orifice on our bodies and Niall grumbling about how sore he was going to be in the morning. He was red-faced and his hair was damp and hanging around his eyes. He looked cute as he struggled to catch his breath. Although, when I looked at his sweat-soaked shirt and caught a glimpse of his biceps, ‘cute’ was far from my mind as other thoughts flooded in.

I shook myself and forced myself to focus on his words.

“I'm just saying,” he said, “that I didn't realize it would be that hard of a workout. My knees are going to be rubbish for a week after this.”

I laughed as I stepped back from the fountain and he took my place. “I told you it would be a lot and that you didn't have to come.”

“I did have to come.” He levelled his gaze at me. I had to look away from the intensity of it, but I knew why he felt that way.

“I appreciate it.”

“I'll do anything to support you, Ruby,” he said as he pulled his water bottle back and taking a sip before he recapped it.

I blushed as we zipped up our coats and picked up our bags, slipping the straps over our shoulders.

“How was your first class?” Brian came up to us, walking out with us as we descended the steps to the main floor.

“Brutal, if I'm being honest.” Niall was wincing with each step but tried his best to hide it from both of us. It was sweet that he'd sacrificed his body in order to help me through whatever I was going through, but a part of me wanted to chastise him for being dumb enough to hurt himself.

Brian nodded. “Sorry,” he said before he held the door open for us, the frigid cold of January greeting us the moment the door opened.

“Does this mean you told someone?” Brian asked me quietly as I passed by him to get outside. Brian knew Niall was my boyfriend. I'd told him a while ago. When they met and I introduced Niall, Brian’s eyes lit up as he smiled and looked back and forth between us.

I nodded.

“You really did tell someone?” He asked his volume back to normal. He was a mixture of curious and impressed.

“It wasn't on purpose,” Niall said, answering for me. His words may have seemed bitter, but his tone was understanding. Brian picked up on it.

“Something happened? The nightmare?”

“I thought someone was following me and had a panic attack,” I said, my voice breaking on the last word. Niall placed his hand on my back. I could feel his comforting touch through my heavy jacket: it grounded me. I took a deep breath in and held it before slowly blowing it out.

“You okay? You need any extra sessions?” Brian asked.

“I don't know what I am,” I said truthfully. “I'll let you know about extra sessions though.” I shot him a grateful look. He nodded.

“How are you handling it?” Brian asked after a minute of us walking in silence. “You were pretty adamant that no one would find out.”

“I feel off,” I said. I could feel Niall's eyes on us, but he was silent, letting this conversation play out. It was a little unnerving, but also a comfort that he was still by my side. He didn't seem jealous that Brian knew quite a bit and he had been in the dark. He didn't seem to envy Brian's ability to help me feel physically more sound in my life. He was handling this very elegantly.

“That could be a good thing.”

“A good thing?”

Brian shrugged. “It may seem counterintuitive to you, but all I'm saying is now that someone else actually knows, you might finally be able to start moving past this, moving forward.”

“I was.” I sounded defensive, even to my own ears.

Brian didn't say anything for a minute, just watched me, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. “If you were, the wouldn't be affecting you as much. You wouldn't start having nightmares months after it happened.”

I frowned down at my feet but didn't respond.

“M’just saying,” He nudged his arm against mine. I just looked up at him. We were all quiet for a bit as well continued on.

“I'll see you next week unless you need me before then. It was nice meeting you, Niall,” he said eventually as he turned and started off down the street toward the train.

“You too, mate,” Niall agreed with a nod and a small wave.

“Thanks,” I called after his receding form.

Silence enveloped the two of us as we kept on toward my apartment. It was not uncomfortable, but it felt so loud that I kept running through conversation topics in my mind. I couldn't settle on anything though, so we kept on in silence.

“I like Brian,” Niall said eventually as we climbed my steps. 

I punched in the code. “He's been pretty great,” I said.

“So the nightmare?” He asked, his voice low, even. “How bad is it if you told him?”

“It unnerved me enough that I called him after the first time I had it. And ever since then, if I have it again we do an extra session together. Mostly just on the punching bags and running through moves.” I turned the deadbolt and opened the door, Niall watching as I carefully locked the door behind us before heading up the stairs.

“How have you been hiding that from me?” He asked.

“The nightmare?” He nodded. We’d slept over with each other more than a handful of times. He wanted to know how he'd missed it. “I don't have it when I'm with you.”

“No?” He asked.

I shook my head, unlocking the top door and letting us in. We kicked off our shoes and dropped our bags to the floor.

“Why is that, d’ya think?” He asked, following me into the kitchen.

“Because ever since I've met you I've felt safe around you. Even when you were basically a stranger, something about you just makes me feel calm.”

Niall was quiet for a long time after I said this, just leaning back against the counter as I moved around and started making a quick pasta. I could feel his eyes on me. 

“Do you want ice?” I asked once the water was heating on the cooktop. I was absolutely changing the subject. No regrets.

“Huh?”

“Your knee,” I clarified when he bunched up his face in confusion. It was cute.

“Oh. Yeah.” He nodded. “If you have any.”

I went to the freezer and pulled out a bag of peas. I grabbed a tea towel and wrapped it around the bag before handing it over to Niall. He smiled and went over to my table, where he sat and propped his leg up on the chair beside him and I watched as he gently placed the ice on his knee, heard him sigh as he did.

“Is it always that hard?”

“The class?”

“Yes.” I nodded. “Brian’s pretty intense.”

“And all of the informational stuff?”

“Some weeks it’s more, some weeks it's less.” I shrugged. “Knowledge is confidence. It's also safety. The more we know how to protect ourselves the less it'll probably be necessary to protect ourselves. The thing is that we’ll probably never need these skills, but knowing them protects us, too.”

“You feel safer?”

“A little?” It came out like a question.

Niall took the peas off of his knee, stood up slowly with a little wince, and then came over to me. He put his hands on my arms and guided my gaze up to meet his.

“Well you are,” he says. “Safe.”

Looking into his eyes, seeing the sincerity on his face, I really felt like it was true. “I know.”

Three weeks later, even though I had felt it to be true at that time, that I knew I was safe, and even though I felt safe around Niall, the panic attacks still happened. I still felt unsafe even though I knew I was perfectly fine.

Now I was sat and watching him as he glanced up at me for the millionth time. He was trying to be sneaky, pretending he was looking at the clock behind me, or just looking around casually, as if just realising the sun had gone down outside the windows or noticing that there was a new song playing softly from the speaker he kept on his counter.

I think it bothered him that I was still afraid, because if he made me feel safe if my classes made me feel safe it didn't make sense why I was so on edge. As hard as he tried to understand it so that he could help me as best as he could, nothing seemed to fit together to make it make sense. I didn't even understand it. It didn't surprise that he couldn't figure it out either.

“Niall,” I said now as he glanced up again and pretended it was because he heard something outside.

He met my eyes and looked sheepish, his cheeks flushing when I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Sorry,” he apologised and looked down at the first in his lap. I had been leaning with my head on his shoulder until I moved and was lying down so that we were perpendicular to each other, my legs tangled with his which were perched on the coffee table.

“Don't apologise.” I nudged him with my foot.

“I know I just… I feel helpless.”

I propped myself up on my elbows so I could better see him. “Helpless?”

“Yeah.” He moves the guitar to the floor and pulled my legs up into his lap, his fingers dancing lightly across my calves. “I mean, I don't know what to do to help you. I think I do. And then I don't. It's literally eating me up that I can't help you when you need me to.”

“I don't need you to help me, Niall. I'm fine.”

"Fine,” he repeated and I wondered why it was I kept coming back to this, a word that you said when someone asked how you were but didn't really care to know the truth. His tone alone, low and clear, let me know just how much he didn't believe me.

He didn’t say anything else. He just studied my face and eventually nodded and then leaned over to pull me close to him, wrapping me up in his arms. 

“So what are you reading?” he asked. 

I had downloaded a book to my phone and was reading it as we lounged around. We had cooked together, made a tofu stir-fry, and then when it took us an hour to try and decide on a show we’d ended up reading and playing guitar and listening to 70s and 80s rock softly from the speaker that was still playing.

“It’s a non-fiction about the Cambodian genocide called First They Killed My Father.”

“Is it any good?” he asked.

“Its unbelievably good,” I said, nudging my legs against his, enjoying being snuggled against his side. “It’s world-altering knowing the things that humans have done to each other. I can’t imagine living in that kind of situation.”

“I’ll have to read it after you,” he said. 

I nodded. 

“It’s definitely worth the read. I’ve gotten more and more into non-fiction recently, too,” I told him. “Also,” I glanced up at the clock, “I’m definitely staying the night tonight. I’m way too tired to make it home at this point.” 

Niall smiled warmly at me. He’d looked at the clock enough times throughout the evening that he knew it was approaching midnight. Plus, we’d discovered that we liked the intimacy of sleeping together. There was something calming about it.

“Okay.”

I yawned and snuggled further into Niall and further into the couch, my eyes more focused on the backs of their lids than the words on the screen in front of me. 

“Long day today?” His smirk made me smile softly as I looked up at him. His hair had long since flopped over into his eyes. Earlier, it had been floofed up by his constantly running his hands through it all day, but as the evening progressed the floof deflated into a messy mop atop his head. It was endearing.

“Louis’ been in the Bucktown location for the past three days since the front of house manager has been out. She had her baby two weeks early, and everything is fine, but the temporary replacement can’t come in early because she’s got another gig and it’s become this whole big thing. He’ll be back next week, but it’s just been a lot for him, and for me.” 

“Yeah, he mentioned he’s not been sleeping well.” Niall nodded. 

“I can imagine. He’s even tried to get his sister Daisy to call in sick from work for a few days to help him out. He’s handled it though, found someone to take up a lower position for the time being while one of his cashiers fills in, in the interim.”

“He does know what he’s doing. I worry about him though.” 

“He’s got the weekend off, but I have a feeling he’s going to try and work from home the whole time.”

Niall chuckled. “Sounds about right.”

“But you don’t have to worry, you’ve got enough on your plate. You’ve got two days off as well.” 

“I’m going to take full advantage of them.” 

“Good,” Niall said.

We sat together in peace for a little longer, Niall’s gaze lifting from his guitar to me less frequently. Only slightly so, but it counted. Eventually, it got to a point where my eyes would not stay open no matter how hard I tried. The last thing I remembered was Niall carrying me to bed and him climbing in beside me.

“Ruby!” 

It was the terror in his voice that sunk fear into every fibre of my being. It was the terror in his voice that pulled me out. 

I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, but I felt myself shaking all over, I could feel the wetness from my tears on my face and knew that my throat was raw because I’d been in the dream, and had been screaming. I sat up as I brought myself back to reality and focused on Niall’s eyes as he watched me, a sadness sinking into him that I couldn’t even begin to describe. He looked like he was in physical pain as his own breathing, much like mine, was forcefully returned to a semi-normal pattern. 

I wiped my tears away and hiccuped as I turned to face him. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. 

He pulled my hands away from my face gently and kissed my cheeks, my forehead, my chin, my nose, and eventually--delicately--my lips for the briefest of moments. His eyes met mine in the darkness of the room, of his room, and I saw the helplessness that took up within them in the last few minutes. 

“Do not apologise to me, love,” he whispered back. “Please don’t ever apologise.” 

He pulled me close and held me as my body relaxed, the adrenaline leaving my system and leaving me feeling weak and tired as I finally stopped shaking. I sagged against him and took deep breaths, filling my senses with him, using him to ground myself and reassure myself that I’d woken up, that I was safe, that I was no longer in danger, that I hadn’t been in danger for months. 

“Is it always like that?” he asked after a while. 

I nodded against his chest. “Yes.”

His breath left him in a shaky whoosh, but he held me steady. 

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this love,” he said. “I wish I could fix it.”

“It’s okay,” I assured him. “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not okay,” his voice was soft, but his tone was firm. “You waking up crying is not okay.”

“I know,” I conceded his point. “I know, but… but I meant that it’s okay that you don’t know how to fix it.”

“I didn’t know it was that bad…” he trailed off. “I had no idea.”

This was the first time I’d ever had the dream while staying with Niall. Somehow, just his presence wasn’t enough anymore. Somehow, whatever adverse effect he’d had on the dream before was nullified now. Whatever the reason, there was no longer a safe space for me, awake or asleep. 

“What happens if you fall asleep again?” he asked, worry clear in his tone.

“It only comes once a night,” I reassured him. “I’m in the clear now.”

“You’re sure,” he asked, pulling back to meet my eyes again.

I nodded. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.” 

After a while, we had calmed enough to lie back down and attempt to find sleep, but I couldn’t. I ended up just pretending to sleep until morning. All I could think about was that the last safe space I’d had was stripped from me and that I wasn’t sure I’d ever sleep soundly again.

[playunderground]

Introducing OVERSOUL: An Interview with Derrick Saladino

Last month, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Derrick Saladino to talk about his brand, OVERSOUL. When he pitched OVERSOUL to me in his initial email, he described it as “a lifestyle brand created from identity crisis,” and that “counterculture/subcultures like anime, gamer, emo-punk, euro-techno, and underground hiphop/b-boy culture heavily influence the brand’s creative direction.” I stared hard at the first two influences, and then stared not-as-hard at the rest of the influences, wondering how these various subcultures could overlap.

My brain being comprised of worms and dirt, I assumed that the anime and gamer influences meant that the designs were going to look like Bart Drinking Lean or Sasuke Wearing Supreme. (In other words, a caricature of anime-inspired Instagram ad streetwear.) This assumption changed quickly after taking a look at OVERSOUL’s site. Their first collection, ISEKAI, is comprised of three pieces. The logo tee and hoodie both look great, but the third piece was what really caught my attention: it’s a button-down tee adorned with daggers. At a glance, it looks nothing like anime- or gaming-inspired clothing. This was the point at which I snapped out of my irony-poisoned haze; the world of memeified, ironic-but-not-quite-ironic hentai tees and Goku Smoking Weed edits had calcified my expectations of what forms of inspiration a brand could and couldn’t pull.

It makes sense in the context of the rest of his influences and the ethos that he operates under – to get ahead of myself for a second, Derrick had this to say of his interest in various countercultures:

"When people express their passions or life to a certain degree, it just pulls me in. It’s like, ‘Okay, I don’t know what the fuck it is, but show me. Let me indulge.’ That’s really how I get into things."

In talking to Derrick, on and off the record, I saw a talented designer who was unapologetic about what he was interested in and passionate about. He’s also a huge geek that runs a bi-weekly Smash tournament at a local nightclub.

(This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)

"Okay, wait, first and foremost, my name is Derrick Saladino and I am a fucking gamer. Before being a designer or anything, I am a fucking gamer. "

Daniel: What is OVERSOUL? 

Derrick: OVERSOUL is about identity crisis. It’s my experience dealing with that personally. Growing up, I never really fit in to particular popular groups. Every time I would attempt to make new friends, I would stumble upon the randomest shit: anime culture, gamer culture, I’d end up becoming friends with a lot of emo-punk kids, techno. Nothing that I fell into was mainstream, popular culture. It was a lot to do with being lonely and trying to make friends. With OVERSOUL, thinking about all that kind of shit, dealing with identity crisis – obviously there’s a lot of people who’ve been through that – I want to create a new identity or community of people who share similar values and, you know, take pride in it? 

I mean, even the name, OVERSOUL, I ripped the word from this really old anime that I used to watch growing up, Shaman King.

Shaman King? What the hell, like 4Kids shit?

Yeah. That wasn’t the first anime that I ever watched, but it was something that I was really into. From being like 12 to even later in my high school, I just loved it. The concept was so cool – taking a soul and imbuing it in an object to make it powerful. It just looked fuckin’ sick. When people wear my clothes, I want them to feel empowered. That’s how I want people to see it. Soul being clothing, putting it on yourself, there you go.

Spirit Integration is, I don’t think the tagline to the brand, but it’s also part of it. Spirit Integration is mind, body, and spirit, and for anyone into the spiritual side of life, that’s what makes us. Our thoughts and mind and DNA – that makes us who we are.

When I read the description on your site, I noted that you referred to OVERSOUL as not just a startup streetwear thing or a brand, but a conceptual design experience. What does this encompass, and why did you pick this specific wording?

None of the stuff I make or have made in the past is very conventional. It’s been pretty avant-garde, I would say. I’ll have an idea, and regardless of whatever trend is going on right now, I just fucking do it. When I make clothes, I’m not making clothes for the public, really. My mentality is more like, “You know what would be sick in a game? If the costume looked like this.” That’s why I say it’s a conceptual design experience.

Has being involved in the industry and working behind the scenes affected how you understand your own brand after launching? What about how you understand customers and other brands, now that you know what the design process is like?

First-off, let me just back up and go over a history of what I did before OVERSOUL. In high school, I made clothing because I hated what everyone else was wearing. This was 2011-2013. During that time, that’s when I had a brand and brands like Obey, Diamond Supply, and The Hundreds – literally peak Tumblr hypebeast, Zumiez, starter pack shit – were around. I looked around at everyone else and was like, “I can’t click that, it’s not resonating with me.”  I had two other brands after that, and then came OVERSOUL. So I have this history of kind of knowing the market, even being a consumer, and evolving as a businessman and designer. I don’t think anything has changed. I think I’ve always stayed true to doing my own shit, rather than trying to compete with everybody else. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll notice what other designers are doing and some things I’ll take note of or inspo from but I hardly think about other people, to be honest. I respect everyone’s hustle, I just can’t be doing the same shit.

Give me your top 3 video game fits.

Top 3, oh my god. Snake from Metal Gear Solid V – very techwear, utility as fuck. My previous brand before this was techwear, and I had to stop it because techwear is so hard to sell. 

I’m really into draping fashion. Cloud, Final Fantasy VII, it was the movie Advent Children – you play Smash, right? There’s two costumes in there: the black, and like this, not really skirt, but it covers up somewhat? All-black, huge sash going on, it reminded me of Yohji Yamamoto.

Something that I’m going to make in the future is inspired by Naoto from Blazblue. His outfit, I looked at it and I was like, “Yo, this could be fucking, like Chrome Hearts, like what the fuck? I’m just gonna abuse this character design, it looks amazing.” I think that fashion right now, what really gets people’s attention on social media, is just some crazy shit, I don’t mean dumb shit, but like, just has to be very bold, and I think that’s what Naoto’s character design is. His pants have this huge cross on them. I think that’s one of the most crazy things I’ve seen in awhile.

Let’s talk about Anime-den! It’s this thing that we started roughly 5 months ago. One of my best friends here, he actually works at Fortune [Sound Club, a nightclub in Chinatown], and he’s a music producer. We really bonded over clothes, anime and gaming, and we had this idea – I think we were just high as fuck one day – and I’m like, “Yo, you know what would be fucking dope? If we brought weeb shit into the club.” I think he was just joking around, but he was like, “That would be really fun to set up, we can do it.” 

[Weeb being short for weaboo, a pejorative term referring to those obsessed with Japanese culture to the point of fetishization and idolization. It’s been ‘reclaimed’ by some fans of anime, used ironically as a form of self-deprecation.]

So, the next day happens, we’re talking, and he asks me, “Do you actually wanna do it?”, taking it seriously. I’m astonished. I was fucking joking, you know? We were just some high guys. He pitches the idea to Fortune and they approve it. At this point, we’re like, “Okay, we gotta actually invest all our effort into this,” because we’re actually gonna do something that I personally haven’t seen anybody do before – bringing a game into a club, anime into the club.

It’s really cool. Just yesterday, the commentator from Vancouver Street Battle came to Anime-den. Pride? He commentated for Battle of BC 3 and Pinnacle. He has ties with Animebae, too. [Animebae is a local anime-inspired startup streetwear brand.] Who would’ve thought that this guy would come through? And he brought his friends. He was telling us that what we’re doing is sick, and hearing this from a guy of that calibre in the gaming or Smash community, it really shook us. We’re actually bringing in people who play the game seriously here. 

How has setting it in a club made it different from other tournaments that you’ve been to? How does the dynamic change?

It’s a little different because when it comes to actual competitive events, people have a different mentality when they enter. They’re there to win and they practice hard for it. As for Anime-den, it’s the total opposite. It’s very casual, we’re all just drinking, blazing, whatever. It’s just the environment where, you know, dim light in a club, there’s music going on in the back –I guess to some gamers it can seem distracting? But I think people, they don’t care. They just play. They’re just there to have fun. Totally different dynamic from an actual event. 

I think that the purpose of Anime-den is to bring people together. That’s literally what Anime-den is for.

Yeah, I just noted here that I think it’s consistent with your brand, in that you’re translating the intangibility of these digital spaces like anime and gaming that people bond over, and you’re putting it into a physical space and letting people actually further develop what these subcultures would look like in person. Like, when you think of anime or gaming in real life you think of Anime Expo or cosplaying or some shit – and that’s fine, people have fun with that [Editor’s note – I think it’s fun!] – but it’s not the only mode of expression. With events like this, I think it’s cool that you’re saying, “If you’re a gamer, there’s another avenue for you. You don’t have to dress up or anything…”

I mean, walking in today and meeting you, you wouldn’t have gotten the idea that I was super into anime or gaming. I just look like a regular dude, right? And my clothing gets inspired by it, but I don’t really look like I’m cut from the legit anime cloth. Choosing these lifestyles and putting it into this real aspect, I think it can appeal to everybody. People tend to judge a lot of things, but once you step into the Anime-den room, whatever perspective you have about anime to begin with, I’m pretty sure that changes. Man, the crowd, they look all the same as you do too. We’re all normal people, we just like cool shit.

I think we should talk about ISEKAI.

OVERSOUL’s first small collection was ISEKAI. Translated to English, it would be ‘a better world,’ and I named it that based off of the anime genre, isekai. When you watch these sort of things, it’s usually someone going to another world. For my first collection, I wanted to welcome people to my world. That’s why I chose ISEKAI. One of the big graphics for the brand was the blade shirt. [On the site, it’s name is the Beginners Dagger Shirt.] My reference for that was playing MMORPGs. Typically, the first weapon you get [in MMORPGs] is a short sword or dagger. I wanted to be like, “This is the start of my brand.” This is your starter item. It’s funny, when I tell people this – they’re always like, “I never thought…”

[laughs] It’s really cool!

That’s why I went with ISEKAI. This is what my world is. One of OVERSOUL’s long-term goals is actually establishing ‘my world,’ if that makes sense? There’s only a handful of designers who have, like, captured a signature silhouette. For example, Rick Owens. When you see [a Rick Owens piece], you know it’s Rick Owens. If Zara did the same shit as Rick Owens, you would look at it and be like, “That’s Rick Owens.” You wouldn't call it Zara. That’s what I’m trying to establish for myself, to create that silhouette for myself eventually in the future.

What’s up next for OVERSOUL? 

Hmm, how should I put this... should I leak something? I’m going to drop an accessories part sometime soon. That’s in the design process right now, but I’m looking forward to doing my next big collection.

There’s this one song that I found in the past during my peak weeb days: Plastic Love by Mariya Takeuchi. A couple of months ago, they released the first official music video for it, after like 35 years, which is fucking insane – they should have done that a long time ago. I totally forgot about the song until I saw the music video. It’s something that I could relate to before and can relate to now, and I definitely want to build my next collection based on Plastic Love.

I think Plastic Love works really well because I’m surrounded by that scene in Vancouver – I work in Yaletown, and that’s the Yaletown lifestyle. It’s very lustful, but you don’t care. It’s all fake shit, really. That’s what Yaletown culture sorta is. I wouldn’t say that I’m like that, but I think that I could definitely expand on the topic through my brand. It’s not necessarily identity crisis, but the genre and artist kind of make it a subculture.

There’s also a few collabs on the way. One with a music group, another with a tattoo artist. What I really wanna do with the tattoo artist – he does anime tattoos – is ero art. Like, erotica. I think it’s a slept-on art style. It’s not generally for the public, per se, so I think that it would be something worth making. Super ecchi, maybe line art. I want it very exaggerated, even bondage-type shit. 

There’s a lot of things where people are like, “Oh, that’s too much!” But you know what, it could be sick! This is why I do things solely for myself. As long as I get a reaction from somebody, I’m happy with that. Wanting a response, not even approval, just being acknowledged, that this shit exists, it motivates me to keep doing what I do. 

I thought about doing graphic design shit; anime erotica art goes really well with techno. That kind of scene, the way that European style posters are, if you take the art and fuse them together, it works really well. I’m like, “How come no one has done this yet?” 

So you’re treating it more like art and not just a part of anime culture?

I view anime as its own respective art, and with art, there’s no rules, so I can just take this and this, and bang. At the end of the day, everybody wants to see new and cool things. People are always going to have their own subjective opinions, but as long as you have their attention, you’ve already won the battle. That’s the mentality that I carry, that everyone has their own opinions. 

Last question: what are your top 5 video games?

You know, I was trying to prepare for this interview – I didn’t even think this would come up.

[laughs] Come on, man.

I’m gonna put Super Smash Bros. Melee on there – I’ve been playing it for so long, it’s literally been bonded with my DNA. 

I don’t wanna say Ocarina of Time, because I think that it’s everyone’s favourite, but I mean, it’s still up there. It’s an all-time masterpiece, but I enjoyed Majora’s Mask a lot more. The concept of the world being blown up by the moon, in-game time, the moon crashes in like 3 days, and you keep going back in time, skipping whatever, I think it was so much fun, so yeah. 

I really like Fire Emblem: Three Houses. It’s very recent, but I have so many hours on it already, and I can’t stop. I haven’t felt this way about a game in a long time. It’s so replayable. Once you finish Ocarina of Time, you probably don’t touch it for a while. When you play FE, you’re like, okay, let’s do the next one. There’s three houses! Even after doing all three, it’s like, “Oh, I’m gonna try again, but I’m gonna make this character like this.”

I grew up playing a lot of Roller Coaster Tycoon, unfortunately, but it’s fun. It’s not a typical gamer thing, but I love it. 

I might put Final Fantasy VII on there, too – when Aerith died, I real-life teared up, like, “Dude, no way, you’re really gonna kill her off like that? You gotta save her!”… and then she dies. I’m pretty sure after that happened, I didn’t touch the game for a week. I was actually emotionally harmed. I’m really into RPGs – being able to emotionally attach yourself to characters, I think it’s a beautiful thing. 

Any last things you wanna say?

I want my brand comparable to Chrome Hearts, MISBHV or Rude [Vogue]; when they have their own aesthetic and that’s what they do, that’s what I want to build as well. The idea that I take a lot of inspiration from gaming, it really shows.

Maybe I’m hungover, so I can’t really find the words right now, but for anyone trying to do fashion, music, whatever, as saturated as the community seems at the moment, you just have to get your foot in the door and start. Yeah, there’s competition, but to be honest, with all the people here who have brands, I’m friends with all of the people who make them, and I have no judgement about if their clothes are wack or not. Some things I don’t agree with, but everyone’s on the same hustle.

OVERSOUL’s ISEKAI collection is available now online at oversoul.online. 

[errantgoat]

Lost and Found

A belated Birthday gift for my dear @queen-scribbles

Dragon Age one-shot set in the canon shared between our Wardens - Trinne Amell and Harvey Cousland. Takes place right after the battle for Redcliff. Because some days are shittier than others.

Trinne was more than happy to leave Alistair and Cousland alone on the Redcliff shore after the battle. The night had been rough, she was tired, and not in the mood for listening to two men exchanging grievances like a couple of fishwives. Instead, she returned to the village and threw herself into performing what menial tasks needed to be done – from checking up on the rest of the party (all accounted for, even Zevran, she'd have to tell Alistair he lost that bet), counting what means of defense the village had left (two barrels of oil left, unused), to helping villagers carry the undead corpses (too many) onto burning pyres. The sun was already peeking over the hills, when she realized she had seen neither the templar nor the rogue and asking around confirmed they haven't returned to Redcliff proper. 

Grumbling underneath her breath, Trinne directed her steps towards the pier, and then to the left, through waist height weeds and bushed, towards a small piece of shore from where the final wave of undead came last night. Half worried, and half promising herself to give the two lazy oafs a piece of her mind, she traversed the overgrown path and emerged on the other side, only to find Alistair's lone silhouette occupying the sorry excuse for a beach.

Trinne joined him, her question quickly answered when she spotted garments dumped in a pile on the rocky ground. She didn't even have to follow Alistair's line of sight. Calenhad Lake was eerily still, like a fancy silver mirror, and Cousland's head was a dot ways away, disturbing the said stillness, ripples blossoming whenever he resurfaced or dove underwater.

She opened and closed her mouth, and opened it again, pointing towards the lake. "Is he insane? He knows there's at least dozens of dead people in there, right?” Trinne exclaimed. "Moving ones!”

Alistair broke away from watching the rogue and greeted her with a forced smile. "I guess he thought it would waste time?" He guessed, guilt painted on his face. "I offered to bring a row boat, but he wouldn't hear any of it... He said I've done enough." The templar shifted uneasily. "He knows it was an accident, right?"

"Of' course it was an accident!" Trinne rolled her eyes. An incredibly dumb one, admittedly. So dumb that pointing fingers in this situation was unreasonable, and she assumed a pragmatic person like Cousland would be better than that. Apparently not.

She wistfully glanced towards Redcliff, she could almost visualize the vacant cottage they've been given for lodging. They were real beds there. Real beds. All she wanted to do was to go to sleep. Or at least try to, because it was becoming increasingly difficult to catch a nice full night of rest for her lately. Trinne blew a raspberry, resigned - something always came up. 

Just an hour or two more, you can make it. She shook her head to get rid of the cobwebs and then critically looked the templar over. Alistair looked almost as disheveled as she felt.

"I ate already." She nudged him, nodding towards Redcliff. "There's a stew, for the militia and us too, of course." She flashed him a toothy grin. "The villagers went all out."

Hesitantly, Alistair returned her smile with his own, a more tight lipped one, but his eyes gave the smallest twinkle of mischief. He cocked an eyebrow. "It can't be better than the one I make?” He asked theatrically, as if offended. 

She stifled a snort and managed her most thoughtful expression. "It has potatoes in it. And real vegetables."

He turned his gaze towards the sky, nodding. "Well, in that case, tough competition."

She grinned and nudged the warrior again, because this could go on forever. At least he seemed a little less distracted now. "Go. I'll stay here for a while. I'm sure Cousland won't be long either. Calenhad is as cold as void."

She was still touching his arm when Alistair's hand brushed against her own, two sets of fingers entangling in a quick, skittish gesture. It lasted just for a moment, both parties exploring a sudden and newfound interest in their own shoes. Trinne's were caked in mud, as she discovered, her cheeks burning up. She let the embarrassment wash over her, she welcomed it, and even enjoyed it. But she'd rather fight two Ogres at once than meet Alistair's gaze right now. Finally the templar broke the silence by clearing his throat. Was his voice a little squeakier than usual or did she imagine it? "Um, I'd better go," he said. "I'm pretty sure if I'm going to apologize one more time, Harvey will just skewer me.” He gingerly put the thing he was holding in his left hand on top of the pile of clothes. It was an empty scabbard. Then he glanced towards the lake one last time. "Just make sure he doesn't drown, okay?" 

"Can do!" Trinne replied a bit too quickly, clenching and unclenching her palm. Only when Alistair was gone she realized her swimming abilities left a lot to be desired. Hopefully this doesn't come up.

Thankfully, Cousland turned out to be a quite decent swimmer, but that also made the wait really, really boring. Between the moist ground, overwhelming smell of fish and seagulls that ignored her because she had no food to offer, there was only so much she could entertain herself with. Finally, after the third time she promised herself she'd give him another fifteen minutes and then just leave him be, she realized the swimming silhouette was slowly getting closer. When Harvey finally reached the shore, Trinne had to purge her mind from seeing another walking corpse clumsily emerging from the depths. Cousland was soaked, pants clinging to his legs making him look spindly. His skin was pale, with an unhealthy hint of blue.

The rogue stumbled, but managed to right himself before Trinne could react. She approached him slowly. He was alive, definitely alive. Just exhausted. "Are you alright?" She prodded.

He moved past her, still wobbly, sparing her maybe half of a glance. "Do I look like I'm holding a sword?" When she didn't reply, he shook his head, wet hair brushing the base of his neck. "Then spare me.” He picked up his shirt.

"Spare you what, me being concerned?!” She couldn't believe she postponed sleep for this. "You're being very pleasant today.”

"My family sword is on the bottom of the LAKE.” He bellowed back at her, voice coarse and Trinne flinched, because it was the first time she heard Cousland raise his voice to such extent. He was pointing towards the murky waters, hand trembling from either cold or anger, she wasn't sure. A piece of weed untangled itself from his hair, landing on his face. "So no, I'm not alright." He answered her question properly this time. "Nothing's alright."

This was a long night, Trinne thought. Full of unpleasantness. It was still continuing, even after dawn. "Look, I'm sorry about that." She massaged the bridge of her nose. She was going for a placatory tone, but she was tired and her teeth were clenching on their own. "But you talked with Alistair, and I talked with Alistair. He says it was an accident, and I agree. He even tried to get it back, you know he couldn't just go in the water with all that armor."

"Maybe he should have.” Harvey snapped back.

Trinne's patience was now fumes, scattered in the wind. And her core was boiling, Alistair's lingering touch a kindle to her anger. She threw hands in the air - because Maker be her witness she had tried - and then cradled them in front of her. "Oh, poor you! I'm so sorry you gave Alistair your family sword for safekeeping, I'm SO sorry he used it to defend ALL these people. I'm so sorry it got wedged in one of the undead corpses, and I'm sooo sorry that corpse walked right back into the lake at dawn.” She mimed the shambling of an undead creature.

Harvey looked like she just slapped him. "You think this is funny?"

"Cousland, I haven't slept for two days, everything is either funny or tragic. And this was a too specific sequence of events to not fit both."

Something in the way his muscles tensed sent her mind right back to her Circle days, and she remembered a story of how one of mages of Lucrosian fraternity brought back to the Tower an unusual prize - a caged bird of prey. It was such a novelty a few younger students snuck out that night and teased the bird, pocking it with sticks. One of the boys' names was Gavin, she remembered. They called him Gavin Four Fingers after that.

If he comes at me, I will fight him. She decided. No matter if her magic was tapped out at the moment. She will wallop his ass until he sees reason. He looked like he was barely standing anyways.

But Harvey did not lunge. Instead, the rogue stood still, as his eyes glazed over, looking past her shoulder towards the water. He visibly deflated, grabbing his armor, and started putting it on without a word.

She watched him buckle the brown leather and tighten it with laces for a minute or two. Then do the same with his belt and weapons. When the rogue reached for his shoes, still in complete silence, Trinne rolled her yes.

"Oh come on Cousland, I'm throwing you a bone here! If you're angry, vent, come at me, whatever! You'll feel better.”

He put on a boot, took a deep breath, took the boot off and removed a few stray pebbles. "Amell, give me one reason I should stay.” He said.

"Cousland?" Now it was her turn to feel as if she'd been struck. Trinne's mind grasped for context, skimming through bits of past conversations, searching for clues. Nothing. Where did this come from? Was this really about the sword...it couldn't be about the sword. Cousland was quiet and did what was expected of him, and usually even well beyond that. And the way he said it, absent was the dry tone she began to associate with rare attempts at humor the rogue was sometimes capable of. He was being serious. Trinne didn't realize she sat down. "I know you're angry at Alistair, but that doesn't mean...”

He raised his hand sharply and cut her train of thought. "To the void with Alistair, I know it's not his fault. This is on me. The history of six generations rests on the bottom of the lake because I lent what wasn't mine to begin with. So please tell me what should I do now."

His family. Trinne felt embarrassed that she'd forgotten. Though maybe that wasn't the best way to put it. Every day they were either running or fighting indescribable horrors. And with all the Fade business it really felt like years have passed. And she regretted that her hesitation only seemed to reaffirm something for the noble, as his green eyes hardened.

"My family, everything that they were, will disappear like the sword." He said, hands tightening around empty scabbard. "Howe will lie, and people won't speak up because we just lost Ostagar and there is more important conflict at hand. As long as Coastlands are stable and can support the war effort, then it can wait. Also, it might even be better that way, we did fall under Amaranthine's rule after all, a long time ago, so it's just back to the way it used to be." Frustration was rolling off of him in waves. "I can't let it end like this, and while I'm here I can't do anything." 

"Harvey," Trinne started softly, a little overwhelmed by the turn this conversation was taking. "We're Grey Wardens now, we took an oath..."   "Don't remind me." He shook his head. "Does a new duty make an older one obsolete now? I didn't agree to this. I didn't."

Well, that wasn't the right approach. She tried to use an argument that she thought would appease him, but this wasn't their regular dance of quips and jabs, and she was lost. What would their group do if he really left? Would he really go? Would they even manage to stop him? Would she try to stop him? Maybe it wasn't even that deep, maybe he just wanted someone to listen. "What would you do, If you could go?" She asked him apprehensively. "I don't know." Harvey trailed off. Both boots were on now, but he made no attempt to get up. "I'd find Fergus first, give him the sword, if I still had it. Travel north, help him gather the remainder of Cousland troops, rally local banns. Bryce Cousland was a fair man, there are surely those that remain loyal to the family. Then we would go after Howe, I assume, take back the castle..."

Trinne squinted at him. "This is an oddly specific plan to follow after 'I don't know'. How many times did you consider leaving?”

"A few.” Harvey confessed.

They sat together, shoulder to shoulder, so close she could almost feel the coldness of the lake still emanating from him. She sympathized, but what he wanted to accomplish was out of her field of expertise. Advice wise, if he asked her how to arc a lightning bolt to hit three darkspawn at once, she'd be more than happy to share. But right now she was grasping at straws. Finally, instead of politics, she reached towards a more basic truth.

"Nobles have their own code of honor, don't you.” She said. Trinne herself was technically nobility, but was too young when she arrived at the Circle to take away much from it. "I'm not sure if they would take kindly to a Grey Warden who shirks from their responsibilities, especially during the Blight. When it comes to credibility, I mean.” She shrugged apologetically, not to antagonize him, but because she thought that was the truth. "Just sayin'"

There was a long pause when he tried to refute her, but finally shrugged his shoulders. "They wouldn't, would they? I don't have anything to counter that.”

"I don't think so. It might even make it worse for your brother. But I haven't finished yet.” Trinne put her finger up. "They would listen to someone who helped stop the Blight, I think.”

"And how long will that take?” He responded with a sour smile. It tugged on his lips without reaching the eyes. "I know stories, I know there were blights that lasted decades, if not longer. No, Howe needs to pay before that.”

"Right now, I'm not sure you could do anything else. If it's...if it's the memory of your family you're worried about, the only thing you can do is try to do good things while carrying their name. It must count for something." Maker, why was it getting so hard to talk.

Again they sat in silence, looking at the lake. Wind finally picked up, and small waves were crashing against the stones. Trinne blinked away the burning sensation beneath the eyelids. It finally hit her what was missing from the bigger picture.

"Cousland, you are such a dumbass, you know that?? It's you, you, you. Doing everything by yourself. You'd go off looking for allies when you have a perfectly fine bunch here."

He seemed taken aback by that. "Amell, you don't owe me anything."

"Nonsense!" She cut him off. "You helped me save the Circle, and believe me when I say I don't love the place, but I wouldn't want to see it become a flaming pile of abominations either. So if you can't do your thing the proper way, we'll just have to do it our way." "That's not reassuring, we're barely...” he started. Again, she didn't let him finish. "The only thing I want to hear from you is whether you want Howe done rare or medium, because I will fry that bastard in his own bed for you, you have my word.”

"Trinne..."

She rolled her eyes. What a stubborn man.

"Cousland, listen, we will get him. I don't know where, I don't know when, but we will. Trust me on this." She paused, returning to the problem at hand. "And I'm really, really sorry about your sword. I really am. This is such a stupid thing to have happened.” She bit her lip, calculating, counting how many undead corpses she saw littering Redcliff, how many were already on the pyre the villagers erected to burn all of the remains down. She thought how many monsters might've retreated back inside the Calenhad.

"Look, we might be able to last one more night. If the blade is still wedged inside the corpse, it will just come out again tonight, wouldn't it?"

He was already shaking his head. "You're playing a very unfair game, Amell."

"What, no! I'm being completely serious. We killed most of them, right? So whatever wave comes out tonight, it can't as bad.” She paused, pursing her lips. "Unless... whatever lives inside the castle can summon more demons, and who knows how many corpses are buried at the bottom of the lake. Hmmmm.” She trailed off unhappily. Don't you just hate it when you kill your own argument.

So far Cousland's face went from doubt, skimmed confusion and was following her little tirade with an emotion she couldn't quite place.

"What, why are you looking at me like that? It's just a thought.” As his eyes lingered on her face, Trinne felt the heat invading her cheeks once more, this time for a different reason. Their defense did well last night, it wasn't a stretch they could keep Redcliff safe for a while. He didn't have to be weird about it.

Finally, the rogue awkwardly raked a hand through his hair. "Trinne I...if I said yes to something like this, I'm certain the six generations of Couslands I mentioned would rise from their ashes just to haunt me at night, my father first in line."

She huffed, arms crossed. "You're impossible to please, you know that?” "On the contrary. Duty should always be towards people, not towards things." He got up, took a deep breath and let it out, marking the end of this conversation. "We should go. And you should really get some rest." He tilted his head. "Did you know your right eye starts twitching when you're really tired?" Rude! "Well, and you have to find a change of pants because yours are soaked." She was definitely tired, because that jab wasn't even half as good as she thought it would be. "Just promise me you won't saunter off while I'm asleep, alright?" She finally caved. He nodded, but didn't comment. "We do need to figure out what to do next. Maybe it's time to visit the Redcliff castle."

Trinne yawned. "On this we both agree."

[jbeshir]

Why I Think Rationalist Self-Help Is Broken

So I was asked, fairly reasonably, after in my previous post I said I thought I might have had a narrow escape from a self-reinforcing set of bad approaches to mental health and executive functioning issues, what approaches I was thinking of, exactly.

This is a list of approaches I think are wrong, and the consensus around them in the self-help parts of the rationalist community (e.g. all the praxis/gnosis type channels I’ve encountered on rat!Discord) is a big part of why I no longer frequent those spaces and now consider myself rat!adjacent, centrally an EA, and more likely to pursue skeptic communities or other communities to try to find ones whose flaws I am happier living with, rather than expanding engagement with rationalist communities. Although I insist, as an unrepentant Yudkowskian, the rationalist community moved away from me and not visa versa.

If you’re a rationalist with “post rationalist” leanings who doesn’t want to read a list of reasons why I think you suck right now, I recommend not expanding this post; I’m going to try to be as polite as I can about it all and stuff, but at the end of the day the topic of the post is the topic of the post.

So, the approaches I think are bad, some with particular justification and some just by correlation to the rest.

Drug addiction/recreational drugs as coping mechanism. A bit ago I commented “alcoholism is cool so long as you swap out the drug”, sardonically, and someone responded to say that actually, they endorsed that, so this is an actual point of disagreement.

I think the primary problem with using incapacitating recreational drugs as a balm within your coping mechanism is that it provides an extremely good avenue for escapism, which is a really tempting way to buy a balm for today at the cost of tomorrow. Additionally, I think it readily leads to a thing where people can’t function sober because their coping strategy is unavailable, and can’t function high because, well, they’re high. And yet there is a lot of “oh, you feel bad? Let me help you get some weed”. Arguments about handling existing addicts aside, this is I think probably one of the ways people move into a rationalist cluster and then decline because of “helpful” peers sharing their escapism.

I miss straight-edge LW-rationality where my willingness to countenance alcohol put me at the questionable end of the spectrum.

A bunch of stuff tied up in the assumption that normal friendship and relationships are impossible for many people in the community and therefore people should be grateful to have friends and relationships at all. This particularly leads to the idea of the whole “catgirl” thing where you can apply any kind of costs to the people around you so long as you’re a catgirl for them, because both they and you assume that they can’t get friends anywhere else.

This is not actually true! Being friends with people who are... a bit high maintenance is great, but you shouldn’t do it out of the feeling that they are the only people who will be friends with you. It’s not true. and people shouldn’t feel like they can be as high maintenance as they want so long as they play catgirl.

When I got over this, approximately concurrent with me starting therapy and reinforced by an increase in RL socialisation they encouraged at the time, I flipped out a little and quit most of the circles I was in for a bit. I don’t need to be friends with people who borrow hundreds of pounds from me and have no shame about not paying it back to have friends, and any interactions with people who think I do are going to involve them taking liberties. I’m back in parts I like now, but without the previous “I need to cling to this community” feel.

Most stuff involved in thinking about social status and auras, and social reality, more likely if it promises to be looking at social reality for “real” when everyone else isn’t. These things are real, but... the only way I can really put the issue is... “wow, autistics are really bad at distinguishing between good and bad social models”. If the models pick up on one dynamic that a naive model doesn’t, they’re adopted without question, no matter what other cases they get wrong. And boy, do they get things wrong.

“Sometimes an impression of a person having an effective aura picks up on evidence that you would consciously miss about them being competent” => “The halo effect isn’t a bias anymore, it’s actually the correct way you should be approaching your decisions, your feels of a person’s aura is a better assessment of their competence than any assessments you might make away from those feels”, is every rationalist talking about how their in person interactions indicate a person actually has brilliant models despite everything they ever wrote being evaluated as awful when actually analysed blind. And it is frustrating as hell.

Auras and social reality offer a tempting opportunity to be the holders of a cynical secret, but taking that opportunity in no way requires people to actually adopt better models, and since the matter is complex enough that adopting better models is genuinely hard, that generally doesn’t happen. More common is brazen self-justification; the more you describe the rest of the world as sucking and focus on that the less your flaws show up relatively. The more you talk about your version of social reality, the less you have to pay attention to actual reality.

(I vaguely associate this stuff with Vassar’s group? But by now it’s the default.)

Trying to invent their own novel forms of therapy instead of (rather than as well as) going to actual therapists.

I think trying to execute therapy without being a therapist would be fair enough just because therapists are expensive, but some effort to actually be aware of what therapy generally entails rather than just sticking the name “therapy” on any series of actions you think is helpful would be good.

Hypnosis for mental health assistance and anything involved in exploiting suggestibility. This is mostly correlational- I observe a very strong correlation between cultivating suggestibility and a tendency to lack direction and an internal moral sense. But I also observe a lot of enthusiasm and no results, which is sufficient in itself to be dubious of it as a strategy.

Internal Family Systems; there’s a definite thing of temporarily disassociating to regain functionality temporarily I’ve seen people do which... I guess worked for them, I don’t want to recommend it but I can’t discourage it either.

But reifying things you are conflicted over into multiple personalities seems in the many cases I’ve seen it to let you keep both sides of the conflict, and I think that’s often not a good idea. The part of your thinking which is saying “actually, I don’t want to have this trait” should not be satisfied by being split off into a different personality unit than the trait.

I’m not sure it is something that can’t work to actually make progress in internal conflict, but I don’t think it looks like it is working the way I see it tried. I hear actual therapists touch on the concept, but I’d assign a probability of 80% that they do it different in a substantive manner.

I think peer support centred around validation has a tendency to validate behaving toxically. This isn’t rationalist exclusive, but is a problem with its self-improvement channels.

Separated out so you can more easily say you hate this bit while agreeing the above is bad: I also think it has a tendency to validate inaction. You don’t need to do X because Y. It’s okay to spend your time high because Z anyway. As a throwaway thing from a friend to a friend, well, there are worse crimes than bending epistemology while being supportive. As a culture, gets a bit crab bucket-y.

Part of the problem, I think, is that these traits tend to overlap and seem to reinforce each other. Once you get into some you get a bunch of the rest, and then you can’t update out because of the mutual reinforcement. The stuff you hear against your weed habit? Clearly just people manipulated by state propaganda trying to increase their own social standing. The stuff you hear against social power? It definitely seems to help in whatever hypnotic/suggestibility stuff you’re playing with. Why go to a therapist when they don’t understand social reality? And such. I never particularly bought into any of them, and am quite glad I did not.

I’ll mention messing with self-identity as something which is more good than bad. It doesn’t work, I think, if you detach yourself from reality enough that you can sustain a positive self-identity without actually... being positive, which is a problem that exists. It’s often done very poorly. But it’s still better than the way people readily self-identify as negative things by default. People are at least aware that negative identity is much more self-fulfilling than positive, and if you let something negative in there that wasn’t definitely true by accident then it will tend to become true.

Also, while I now no longer agree with the part of it based on IFS, I like the rest of the Luminosity sequence as a “soft sequence”, based on novel ideas, which I think is good for self-improvement; it focuses on self-observation to gain a more accurate self-model, and I think this largely works and is positive.

(On the Hammertime sequence in particular, I’ve not read it yet.)