#back as a repressed kid i thought to lie about crushes because it was Normal to have them

[viovio]

i swear i had some weird fucking childhood crushes but i can't remember em

[linkspooky]

TogaChako - Good Girl and Bad Girl

Toga Himiko and Uraraka Ochako embody the classic good girl slash bad girl dynamic. It’s a classic dynamic in which one girl will represent what is the traditionally held notions of what a “good girl is” ie/ pure, nice, friendly and the other girl will embody the opposite of that a “bad girl” impure, mean, slutty. Inevitably, these two girls will fight. However, the crux of the good girl bad girl dynamic is that while the girls are total opposites on the outside, inside they’re the same, cuz they’re both girls after all. 

Uraraka and Toga are written to be compared, they’re character foils, because the conclusion we’re supposed to come to isn’t one of them is good, one of them is bad, one of them is selfless, one is selfsh. Rather, they’re written so we see it’s the difference in circumstances that made them who they were. Toga became bad because bad things happened to her. Uraraka is good, because she was born into a good life. What makes a bad girl bad and what makes a good girl good? More under the cut. 

1. Good Girl

Describe Uraraka Ochako. She’s a normal girl. She’s spunky. She puts other people first. She became a hero to help her parents make money, and feels bad because her motivations aren’t as selfless as say her close friend Izuku Midoriya’s. (But that’s wrong because she literally is being selfless, her reason for becoming a hero has entirely to do with benefitting someone else and not herself). She’s supportive, and friendly. She’s always cheerful and never lets herself get too down. 

Uraraka represents the standard of a good girl in hero society. She’s always ready to help her friends, but ultimately she’s kind of passive. She works hard but is not too ambiitous. She’s selfless and always thinks of other people before herself. She has all of these good qualities. 

However, I would argue Uraraka is a lot more complex then this. On the surface she seems to be just a good, nice girl who wants to help others, but her internal mechanisms are complex. While yes I agree Uraraka doesn’t have much of an arc so far due to lack of focus, there’s a difference between not having an arc and not being a complex character. 

A simple character - what you see is what you get.  A complex character - Has internal mechanisms that show the surface isn’t as simple as you thought. 

A simple arc - character moves through the plot without changing who they are. A complex arc - character struggles in a way that fores them to change. 

Uraraka’s inner mechanisms are complex in that there’s more too her in what we see at the surface, it’s just she hasn’t been challenged in any way. The plot doesn’t address her flaw and try to force her to change. 

With that in mind let’s get into Uraraka’s character. Uraraka is defined to her goodness. Uraraka pushes herself to always be good to others. The reason being is that Uraraka is a very sensitive girl who is attune to the feelings of other people. 

Uraraka gets serious for just a second, and people remark that she doesn’t seem like her normal self. 

Uraraka then immediately backs up and gets embarrassed. She goes out of her way to beat herself up and denigrate herself in front of others, insisting her motivations are much more selfish than people like Ida and Deku. 

Uraraka then tells Deku and Iida that she’s not becoming a hero for her own sake, but for someone else’s. Her entire motivation is to help both of her parents live easier lives, because she feels like she’s been a burden on them and pursuing her own dreams would be too selfish. 

Uraraka is very secretive of her own feelings. She’s almost afraid to come off as selfish which is why she doesn’t share what her real goal is. Also, when she starts to get a little motivated to accomplish something for herself, everybody around her remarks how different this is from the fun-loving Uraraka they all know. Also, one last detail Uraraka never even talks about herself, and her friends don’t really think to ask, because Uraraka just so naturally makes things about others and not herself. 

It’s already been elaborated why the reason Uraraka grew so perceptive. Uraraka’s parents were struggling to make ends meet and she grew up in poverty, and even if she has good parents that try really hard not to let the effect of this struggle show in front of her, Uraraka saw it anyway because kids are always watching their parents. 

Uraraka learned to be sensitive to her parents needs, to never demand too much for her parents, her behaviors all became centered around not becoming a burden to others. 

Uraraka thinks it’s only natural to put others first and help others before helping herself. That other people’s happiness is more important than her own. Because she’s someone naturally empathic. Because she’s someone naturally able to see the pain and struggle other people go through, because she grew up seeing it. However, the problem with this behavior is it makes Uraraka essentially a support to everyone else. 

Uraraka is constantly putting others up on a pedestal and using that as an excuse to lower herself further and further. As cute as her admiration for Deku is, it’s also a bit unhealthy - as she uses it as an excuse to beat herself up. She sees Deku as this amazing person, whose always struggling to help everyone, whose always saving everyone for completely selfless reasons and she always suffers in the comparison.

I think part of Uraraka wants to stand out like Deku does, and has the same desire to go all out to save people, but Uraraka is so used to being secondary in her own life she can’t bring herself to. 

Uraraka can’t even cry in front of others. I think, the most telling behavior she has in the entire series is the moment where she breaks down on the phone describing everything she did wrong because this is how Uraraka sees herself. She’s so extremely critical of herself, and constantly apologizing for herself, while at the same time hiding what she really feels from others.

Uraraka has all these self esteem issues that she basically just shelves so she can play the good, nice girl, that gets along well and is friends with everyone. 

Uraraka assigns the role of group placater and peacemaker for herself because it’s something she’s so naturally good at and she’s always thinking of others, but because of that, Uraraka herself suffers. Uraraka only knows how to help people by belittling herself and her own role in things. 

Uraraka’s greatest fear is being selfish. She doesn’t want to look like a bad girl. That’s the connection between Toga and Uraraka, because what Uraraka is afraid of ultimately is living her life the way Toga does. 

2. Bad Girl

Toga is everything that Uraraka is afraid of being, and lives the life that Uraraka is afraid of living. Uraraka is someone so afraid of being selfish, and getting distracted that she is not even allowed to have a crush on a boy. Whereas, Toga lives her life chasing what she loves. Everything Uraraka represses about herself, Toga expresses. That’s the difference between the two of them. 

When Uraraka first encounters Toga, her willingness to chase what she loves looks from Uraraka’s perspective to be entirely monstrous. Uraraka sees Toga as a selfish monster, because in part she is afraid of appearing that way. 

Toga Himiko the bad girl. 

However that’s far from the whole picture of Toga. When we see her away from Uraraka’s perspective she’s entirely different. She’s someone empathic, capable of being kind to others, and thinking about others feelings. 

Toga’s just as capable of reading other people and addressing their feelings as Uraraka is. However, there’s still a key difference in their behavior. Uraraka acts to avoid conflict. When she intervenes, what she usually does is act in a way that avoids stepping on toes, and touts the “we should all get along and be friends’ line. Whereas, Toga is someone who directly addresses the conflict and the hurt feelings of others. 

For Uraraka the most important thing is getting along with others. For Toga the most important thing is being true to her own emotions. Which is why she’s able to directly address the problem with Twice, she didn’t tell him to bear with it, she told him she knew he was in pain but that the two of them could take down the mafia together. 

Even Himiko’s most selfish monster moments aren’t really that monstrous. Himiko’s reason for stalking both Uraraka and Deku is not because she’s weird and creepy, but because she wants to be a normal kid just like them. 

Himiko’s reason for sucking the blood of high school girls and taking on their appearances isn’t because she’s preadtory, it’s because she’s been a runaway with no home for two years and she’s terrified of getting caught. 

Himiko who is framed as a selfish monster, is actually quite the normal girl. She’s a normal girl reacting to the pressures of the society around her. The kicker is that Himiko isn’t someone who just decided to flip and turn out this way, she is only the way she is because she tried to live like Uraraka did at first.

Himiko tried to push everything down and live like a normal girl. She tried to lie about herself so she’d be a good, nice, harmless girl. She only became so selfish, because she tried to live selflessly first. She only prioritizes herself, because she was used to putting herself down before this. We see her classmates react to her, they all describe Himiko was the kind of girl that Uraraka is right now. 

However, behaviors in Uraraka that are self-defeating and unhealthy, are absolutely ruinous in Himiko. Himiko has no sense of self, because she spent so long trying to be what others wanted her to be. Himiko is who she is, in reaction to the pressures of everyone around her. 

When Himiko tries to figure herself out, she always gets the same response. Why do you have be so selfish? Why can’t you just act normal? Which completely ignores the fact that she TRIED and that’s what got her here. 

The main difference between Uraraka and Toga is not one of them being good, and the other being bad. Toga’s been through way harsher life circumstances. Uraraka has parents that affirm her identity, and Toga’s parents deny her over and over again. 

The point of the good girl bad girl dynamic is that they’re both girls in the end. Yes, Uraraka’s never reacted as badly as Himiko has. However, Uraraka’s also never been pushed so far. In fact someone as empathic as Uraraka can be oblivious to the suffering of others. 

Uraraka doesn’t see what Himiko is going through, because she hasn’t suffered the way Himiko has. 

It’s like. When you have a good sibling and a bad sibling. The good sibling always behaves because they conform to the pressure their parents put on them. The bad sibling acts out in response to that pressure, and because of that their parents have to discipline them and they end up soaking up most of the parent’s attention. In that situation the good sibling can come to ressent the bad sibling for acting out and needing attention in the first place. 

Reasonable child and unreasonable child. There exist these black and white categories to define children into where one looks good and one looks bad, that actually totally fail to address the child’s behavior because people are complex and therefore don’t fit into black and white categories. But, Uraraka is still working with that black and white logic when it comes to heroes and villains. Even though she’s usually so good at sussing out the complex nuance of other people’s feelings. 

This is what’s happening here in this chapter. You can apply the dynamic between the two of them to the conflict at large. Toga is selfish for acting out and causing problems for others, because she wants her own personal grievances to be addressed. Uraraka is sefless because all she cares about right now is helping the most amount of people. Uraraka is willing to repress herself, and put others needs before her own, because what’s most important is everybody gets along.

However, Uraraka insinuates, the same way that Himiko’s parents once insinuated that Himiko’s acting out just makes her selfish. 

We’ve seen this conflict before. Himiko literally went into the conflict to ask this question. Do problem children like her count as “everyone”. However, no matter what happens this arc, no matter what critcisisms the villains levvy against the heroes we get the same hollow repettition of “Heroes save everyone”. Which is why Himiko looks just about to snap here.

Uraraka who is used to brushing conflicts aside and avoiding them for the sake of “everyone gettling along” sees the girl who can’t get along with “everyone” and calls her selfish. To Himiko, this is the same words she’s been hearing her entire life. “Why are you making a fuss? Why can’t you just be normal.” 

From one perspective, yes Uraraka is the one fighting seflessly because she’s just trying to save as many people as she can and Himiko is getting in the way of things. However, Himiko is someone who grasps the bigger picture. Himiko addresses the problem directly rather than sweeping it under the rug, there are people who aren’t saved by the hero system. Those people are just as in need of saving as what heroes deem to be innocent people. You can’t claim to save everyone and then ignore the suffering of people you deem as “bad”. Himiko seems like she’s acting selfishly, but then again she’s acting for the sake of people like Jin who died because heroes insisted that his life was less important. 

Uraraka is at the same time very perceptive to the suffering of others, and also very oblivious, and it has much more to do with personal hangups than anything else. She doesn’t want to see Himiko as someone similiar to her, because Uraraka is someone so deathly afraid of coming off as selfish. To the point that she treats people with genuine grievances against society as selfish childrens making demands for atttention. 

Uraraka is the one who can’t face herself, and therefore the answer she gives Himiko is to the effect of “Shut up and deal with it.�� It’s a very personal thing for Uraraka once you realize that Uraraka has also been shutting herself up all this time, pushing herself down, always letting people walk all over. Uraraka is capable of putting herself aside for the sake of others, so as a result she sees people who can’t put themselves aside as selfish. 

“I can do it, so why can’t you? Why can’t you be normal?” 

I hammer down so hard on this point because there’s a difference between placating and conflict resolution. 

Placating comes from a place of “I want the conflict to go away” or “I want the hurt feelings to go away.” Placating is just saying whatever you think the person you’re talking to wants to hear in order to please them. It’s behavior that’s based entirely around avoiding conflict. Uraraka placates, she sweeps it under the rug, she swallows her grievances for the point of everyone happily getting along together. 

This placating also applies to the hero system at large. It’s not really designed to save everyone, so much as make the vast majority of people feel safe at the cost of the minority. 

When there is a problem does Hero society directly address the issue? Or do they sweep it under the rug for the appearance of everyone getting along?

I think the fact that every time a villain brings up a problem this arc, the heroes just shout “Heros save everyone” and “Heroes never give up” is evidence of the latter. That’s why, when Uraraka says it, when Hawks says it, “Heroes save everyone” just comes off as hollow because in the very same breath they both make it clear that Toga and Twice are not part of the everyone who gets saved. 

[slowly-writing]

Whispers

Avengers x Teen!Reader

Word count: 1.8K

Requested by @shady80smusicsingercolor : Avengers x teen!reader Where the reader is a cheerleader at the high school that Peter goes to, reader was during school hours when the teen heard the rest of the squad talking crap about them,teen gets upset,and after teen decided to skip practice,when they arrive to the avengers tower,Steve was the first one to notice but yet haven't notice the sadness in the reader face,but then realized the teen should be in practice,Steve now notices the teen face, calls for the team,and team comfort her

A/N: this was requested so long ago (literally April 10th), and I’m so sorry it took me so long. Thank you for your patients!

“Bye Pete, I’ll see you back home. I’ve got practice after school,” you remind the boy, waving as you turn the corner out of the cafeteria. You always left lunch a little early. Your next class was across the school and you really didn’t like to be late. So that’s what brought you here, alone and hearing voices ahead of you. Normally you wouldn’t think much of it, being in a school there’s constantly someone somewhere, talking about something. But then you heard your name.

You paused creeping close to the corner, but not quite rounding it. Listening to the voices you recognized as your teammates.

“What’s the deal with y/n and Peter? She’s always with him...I wonder if they’re dating,” Betty whispers to the group you can’t quite see.

“They can’t be. She’s way too good for Parker. It’s just a charity thing. Cause she lives with the avengers and he works there or whatever. She probably pities him,” Brad counters and you shrink further in on yourself.

“She’s kind of a weirdo too though. With that whole mysterious backstory and weird accent she tries to hide. Where’s she from? And how did she end up at the avengers tower?” Liz joins in and your frown deepens.

Did they really think you were shallow enough to think you were better than Peter? Just because he wasn’t on the football team? If only they knew how awesome he really was. And why did they suddenly want to know everything about you? They never asked before and you don’t really want to unpack their analysis of your home life anyways. That was none of their business.

You silently turn around, taking the long way to class. You really don’t want to see any of them right now.

xxxxx

When the final bell rang you sat at your desk, debating whether you could face practice. They don’t know you heard them gossiping, and it hurts more that they said it all behind your back, so you shake your head sending a quick text off to your coach, claiming you have a migraine, and start walking home.

You kept running over the things they had said. They really thought Peter was lame? After everything, you’d thought they’d gotten to know him. He’s the coolest person you’ve met, even without the whole spiderman thing. He was sweet and super passionate about the things he enjoyed. He was smarter than you could ever hope to be, but you never minded listening to him in the lab as he rambled about the new web shooters he was working on. You think he’s amazing, and you know that’s more than your massive crush talking.

Then there was the fact that they thought you were hiding things. It’s not like your living situation was a secret, but it wasn’t something you enjoyed talking about. You were born in Sokovia and lived there with your parents until the attack with Ultron happened. Most of that day is a blur, a mix of confusion, chaos, and repressed memories. But you know Steve got you out, but your parents were lost in the tragedy.

Steve and the other avengers felt some sort of responsibility to you. You’re still not quite sure why, but you know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. A lot of people from your hometown came out of it with nothing, and the team is always sure to help when they can, but you’re grateful for your new life and all that it’s given you.

You’re so lost in thought you don’t even register that you’re almost home until you reach the front door of the tower. You smile weakly at the security guard and make your way to the elevator, silently praying nobody is home. As the doors open you see your prayers haven’t been answered, but the silver lining is Peter’s not there yet. Maybe Steve will forget you have practice today.

“Hey, kiddo. Didn’t you have practice after school?” shit.

“Uh yeah...it umm. Got cancelled. Last minute...gardening emergency. They had to close the field for the day,” you wince and Steve raises an eyebrow. “I gotta go. Homework.”

With that lame excuse you scramble to your room, closing the door behind you and flopping face down on the bed.

xxxxx

“Hey, Peter. Did y/n seem off to you today? She seemed upset when she got home from school,” Steve asks Peter in the lab, Peter furrowing his brow before responding.

“No, not that I noticed, but I haven’t seen her since lunch. Maybe practice was rough, I know they’re getting ready for that competition in a few weeks,” Peter says softly, trying to figure out how to help you.

“No, practice was cancelled. They closed the field,” Steve’s words cause Peter’s head to snap up.

“No they didn’t. I saw them practicing after school. The soccer team was on the field too. I didn’t look too close because y/n says it’s embarrassing when I watch practices, but I know it happened,” Peter stands, setting his tools aside, “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“I’ll come with you,” Steve follows him out of the lab, and not five minutes later, there’s a knock on your door.

“Coming,” you yell, only to immediately shrink back after opening the door. One look at their faces and you know they’ve caught you in your lie, “hey.”

“I think we need to talk,” Steve says in his captain voice and you let out a sigh, opening the door enough for them to follow you into the room.

“Why did you skip practice?” Peter’s head is tilting to the side like a confused puppy, and you have to remind yourself that this is a serious conversation, not a time to fawn over how cute he is.

“I just-”

“And don’t try to lie again,” Steve cuts you off. The man really knows you too well.

“You know how in movies and TV shows cheerleaders are always such jerks?” They both silently nod, “and how when I moved here I tried really hard to fit in so they’d be nice to me?” two more nods. “I thought it worked but it turns out that in real life they just say the mean things behind your back when they think you aren’t listening.”

“What’d they say?” Steve’s voice is softer now, he’s always been afraid of you having problems at school. He knows his fair share about bullying, and knows kids will always attack anything different. Your accent may have faded over the years, but it’s still clear that you’re not from here and you’re not quite used to the New York lifestyle. Back home everything was smaller, but you’re always excited to learn about your new home. It’s rare to see you without a smile on your face and he always hoped your naive compassion would save you.

“They were talking about how weird it was that I kept secrets about why I lived here and…” you trail off, looking at Peter. He looks ready to go to war for you, and you don’t want to admit the rest out loud, “that I must only hang out with Peter out of pity. But it's not true! Sometimes I think it’s the other way around. You’re so sweet and smart that sometimes I think the only reason you spend time with me is because you feel bad for me. The freaky kid from another country with no family. I try to fit in a school, so I don’t talk about my home, and I’ve learned to talk like they do. But no matter what I do, I still stick out. Maybe it’d be easier for you if we weren’t friends at all.”

By the time you finish your eyes are firmly locked on your hands in your lap, tears building up in your eyes.

“That’s not true,” Peter says firmly, in a rare show of anger. For a moment you think he’s mad at you, until he continues and you see the real object of his anger. “I don't hang out with you because I pity you, or I think I have to. I hang out with you because I like you for who you are. You make me feel normal. Not like the geeky kid at school everyone likes to tease, or the hero the city looks to for help. With you I’m just Peter. You listen to me ramble about tech I know you couldn’t care less about and you tell me about cheerleading moves that are so foreign to me they may as well be in a different language, but it doesn’t matter. We’re there for each other, it’s what we do. And I wish I could’ve been there for you this time. I know what it’s like to feel like you have to keep secrets but you don’t have to do that with me.”

You let his words sink in, letting him brush away the tears that have made their way down your cheeks before Steve speaks.

“And you have a family. I know you lost yours in Sokovia and I can’t even imagine that pain, but you’re not alone. You have all of us and any one of us will be here to listen to you, or take your mind off of it for a bit. What happened to you was traumatic, you lost your whole life and it’s okay not to want the kids at school knowing that. But you don’t have to forget where you came from to fit in.  Wanda makes food from Sokovia on Peitro’s birthday every year and I know she still keeps her journal in Russian. You’re allowed to miss your home, y/n. It doesn’t make you wierd, or ungrateful. It makes you human,” Steve wraps his arm around your shoulder and you lean into his side.

“I do like it here, but it’s just so hard sometimes,” you admit softly.

“We know it is, but you’re not alone,” Peter tells you and you smile up at him, gently taking his hand in your own.

“Now, I think you need a fun, relaxing night with no responsibilities. What do you say to a movie night. We’ll watch whatever you want,” Steve proposes and your smile widens as you nod. “Then it’s settled. I’ll go gather the troops, and you two come join us whenever you’re ready.”

It’s silent for a few moments after he leaves and you soon realize you’re still holding Peter’s hand. You go to pull away but his grip is firm. His other hand on your chin, drawing your eyes to his. “I mean it you know. I like you, as more than just a friend.”

“You do?” your voice is barely above a whisper, but there’s a happiness in your eyes you can’t hide and Peter’s whole face lights up.

“Yes really. I have for a while now, I just never knew how to tell you. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way.”

“I do,” the words tumble out of your mouth before he’s even done speaking, but he’s smiling, and so are you. For now it all feels right as he gently presses his lips to yours. The whispers in the hallways don’t matter, because you have a family, and it seems you may have a boyfriend now too.

Tag list: @rvgrsbrns @rororo06 @prizmix-and-friends @worlds-in-words @im-salt-but-not-salty @5aftermidnight @riotmaximoff @xxxtwilightaxelxxx  @stop-drop-and-drumroll

[inawickedlittletown]

Buck and Maddie in 4x03 - meta

Notes: the first of my meta for this episode...obviously there be spoilers here.  

-

There are all these secrets surrounding Buck. First we have the whole thing with the “covid crush” and the reveal that it’s actually a therapist. And I really really love that for Buck. I love the perspective that this is given in normalizing therapy and in Buck having realized that not only is it healthy and normal, but that it would help him. And we can see that in how despite hiding it for a while, Buck does come clean about it to Maddie and Chimney. We’ve seen that this is something he wants to keep close to the vest, that he isn’t fully comfortable talking about and I like to think that he gets to the point of wanting to come clean about it due to the therapy. 

The response he gets is interesting. 

Chimney’s makes sense, he points out that all of them have been to therapy due to their jobs and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. We know that Maddie has and Chimney implies he too has had his time in therapy. But also, we know Buck has as well. Back in S1 where he was sexually assaulted and in S3, he heavily implies that he had gone to see Frank at some point or at least knew him.  

Maddie, however, immediately grows concerned. It’s understandable because for someone to need therapy there must be something wrong and Buck was hiding it. But Maddie immediately asks “why did you lie” instead of “why didn’t you tell us” which makes it seem like Buck was the one to tell them he was dating someone whereas the past couple of episodes have clearly shown us that it is Chimney and Maddie that keep pressing Buck about his “covid crush” without him confirming it and outrightly denying it. He never lied. He just didn’t tell them what he was doing. He’s an adult and he has a right to his privacy especially with something this personal. So right off the back, Maddie’s response isn’t the best. 

“It’s not about the job. It’s about me...everyone has issues,” Buck says and Chimney makes light of it by pointing out that maybe parents should have a fund for therapy instead of school for their kids. 

I really love what Chim says here because he is trying to lighten the moment, but he also brings up the idea that parents screw up their kids and that they’re the ones likely at blame for those kids growing up to need therapy. Chimney at this point doesn’t really know anything about the Buckley parents and yet he is insightful. He’s right on the nose on all of it. 

The moment is tinged with awkwardness that mostly seems to come from Maddie. Chimney is acting normal and Buck is acting as normal as someone that shared something major and personal should be. Maddie, though, is bothered. And for someone like Maddie who was a nurse and who personally knows how therapy can help and who has gone through multiple different therapies, she is very put off by Buck speaking to a therapist. It’s very unlike Maddie. 

And then Maddie goes to see Buck at his place. She shows up unexpectedly, seems to have some idea that Buck wasn’t comfortable talking about the therapy thing with Chimney even though it was Buck that brought up the therapy thing in the first place and the whole scene just seems like Maddie is waiting for Buck to come out and tell her that there is some real traumatic reason for it. Even when Buck tells her there is nothing to tell she expects something and then Buck says “It’s all your fault” and Maddie’s face gives away some surprise. Her “what” is full of shock and she’s expecting something other than Buck saying that she called him “sad and lonely”, but she relaxes then. 

Buck explains himself. He talks about Abby and about how he didn’t stop being sad or lonely after talking to her and about how he does know he has people but that it doesn’t stop him from wondering if he won’t have them at some point. He can’t trust that he’ll keep his family which says more about the people that have been in Buck’s life that have left him than about Buck even if Buck might see it differently. 

Then Buck says: “The world is an uncertain place. You have to protect yourself. Thanks, mom and dad.” And all of that is connected, right? So is this something that their parents taught them? Not by trying to protect their kids from the world but by they themselves being the thing they needed to be protected from? 

I have never subscribed to the idea that the Buckley parents were abusive and in this episode we are told they were not. But we know from Buck later on that they weren’t good with kids, that they were more interested in each other, and so it seems obvious that what Buck feels is abandonment from the two people that should never have made him feel that way. Buck has expressed feelings of being left behind before when saying to Maddie that he’s the one left behind in S3. So, he’s learned to not hold onto people or trust that they will remain because he’s used to being left. All of this is very consistent with his character. He’s been left by his parents, by Maddie, by Abby, by Ally...and who knows who else during the time before the 118. 

Maddie seems insistent on wanting to help Buck which is great except that it’s also strange that she almost doesn’t seem to believe that therapy is the right answer. It makes me wonder about what Maddie thinks Buck will find by talking to a therapist. She asks him if he’s told their parents about the therapy which implies that both Buck and Maddie are at least communicating with their parents regularly enough. It also gives us this idea that Maddie expects a certain type of reaction from their parents about Buck seeing a therapist. Which leads to the question of what type of thing — perhaps some sort of buried memory — Maddie expects to come out. 

Buck says, “You know how they are” to explain why he hasn’t said anything and the parents and goes on to explain that he’s fine and wants to be “finer”. Maddie isn’t reassured and Buck tells her that she can’t fix this for him and goes on to tell her that they are the same and that he always thought she was sad too. This implies that whatever this big secret is, it has a big impact on Maddie too except that she actually knows what it is. 

This scene is a little strange. It’s very clear that Maddie has info that she isn’t sharing and very concerned with and also that Buck doesn’t suspect a thing and that he just wants to be a better person and find himself. To be honest, Maddie’s concern is very strange to me. I don’t know what to expect in terms of what kind of thing Buck could uncover by going to therapy? There can’t be much that fits the bill. 

“What everything you do to protect someone, ends up hurting them?” Maddie asks Chimney later on and this is very clearly about Buck even if she frames it to be about fear in what she will be like as a mother and a fear of not doing right by her kids. Obviously that fear is real, but it’s all connected to Buck. The Buckley parents do get mentioned and we get a repeat of what Maddie said in S3,  “They’re not bad people, just bad parents” which sounds like a rehearsed line that Maddie has been using her entire life. Chim is quick to reassure her and the moment is lovely in terms of their relationship and yet it leaves Chim wondering what he can do for Maddie to really reassure her so much so that he goes to Buck to ask him about his and Maddie’s parents. 

Chimney’s approach by letting know Buck that he doesn’t have to answer speaks to how much Chim cares about Buck and respects him despite all the teasing he imparts on Buck. Buck says that his sex life is more interesting than his parents. It’s news to Buck that Maddie fears being like their parents with her baby. Buck explains that it felt like their parents were miles away, absent, not great with kids, and that they were an average dysfunctional family. In many ways very normal and yet it is so clear that Maddie knows more about this. And we get Buck telling Chim they weren’t abusive, we’re back to the “good people but bad parents” thing. 

Maddie calls her mom. It’s a bit awkward and Maddie immediately gives us the information that they usually text or e-mail, so clearly Maddie felt this was important enough to warrant a phone call. Maddie is very defensive the entire phone call and clearly uncomfortable. What irks me is that Maddie expects her mom to either be in better communication with Buck and already know about the therapy and that when worried about her brother she talks to her mom who has been established as distant and not a part of her or Buck’s life. And then, Maddie tells her mom about Buck being in therapy and I wish we knew what the mom is saying, but Maddie is clearly unhappy about it and yet just like Maddie, the mom expects therapy to bring out new information for Buck in some way unrelated to him being told directly. 

I do wonder at Maddie deciding to tell her mom about the therapy when she was aware that Buck was only just recently comfortable with her knowing what he was doing. It’s such a breach of privacy for Maddie to share that information. And while there is context for why she is doing so, I just don’t find that necessary. Not when Buck clearly doesn’t know what the secret is and when Buck in that earlier scene told her he hadn’t spoken to their parents because of how they are? So how does any of that tell Maddie that it’s okay for her to share that information?

I wonder about Maddie needing her mom to approve Buck finding out the secret or feeling like she needs permission to tell him about the secret. All of it is fishy. All we know is that Buck has been lied to his entire life because that is what Maddie says to her mom over the phone. 

There are a lot of theories as to the secret. So far all we know is that Oliver Stark debunked the idea that Maddie was actually Buck’s mom. There are theories about Buck maybe being adopted, about Buck repressing something traumatic that happened when he was young, and there really are a lot of possibilities but the main thing I wonder about is what kind of thing would be unearthed in therapy. 

After all, Maddie’s reaction is more about her fear that Buck already knew and that was his reason for therapy, but the fear goes deep enough that she actually believes him in therapy will bring this up and I don’t know if this is just Maddie’s guilt for keeping something from Buck or the pregnancy hormones, but it really feels unnecessary. If she really wanted to keep protecting Buck and keeping him in the dark, she shouldn’t have been talking to her mom about Buck or letting the whole thing get to her in a way that makes Chim want to ask questions. 

Maddie does, by the end of the episode, decide to fill Chimney in on what she’s hiding by immediately saying that she’s trying to protect someone. Buck. Maddie tells Chim because they’re going to be a family and so she shouldn’t hide things from him and depending on what it turns out to be I hope that it isn’t something that Buck should have had the privilege of hearing first before Maddie went and told anyone else. Also interesting is that Maddie says family shouldn’t hide things from each other when there’s been a giant secret hanging over the Buckley family with everyone but Buck being aware of it. 

Ultimately, I am very very curious and I love this focus that Buck’s gotten especially when it concerns his past since this is everything that the fans have wanted. We’re getting this build up towards Buck Begins and I am so here for it.

[emeto-no-jutsu]

Could you do an emto fic with sasuke being sick and a parental kakashi taking care of him?

Oooooh okay, my first request....it feels kinda nerve-wracking lmfao ngl

It's not my favorite thing I have ever written??? But enjoy?? And RB if you do??????

Anyway LMFAO enjoy the fic

TW:::::: Emeto, sickness and an emotionally repressed boi under the cut:::::::::

Kakashi frowned as he arrived at his team’s usual meeting spot. Sakura was already berating Naruto this early in the morning, but what caught his attention was the fact that one of his students, who was usually the most punctual, was missing.

“Where’s sasuke?” He asked as soon as he leapt off the railing above the bridge where he’d been observing the scene. Sakura stopped her rant at once, and Kakashi could see the uneasiness etched on her face. Naruto huffed, rolling his eyes at the mention of his teammate with a pout.

“That’s what we were talking about, sensei.” The pinkette explained. “He’s usually the first one to arrive…”

“Stupid Teme probably overslept-”

“Shut up you idiot!” The girl snapped ferociously, making the blond flinch as her green eyes glared at him. “This is Sasuke-kun we’re talking about! If he’s late he must have a good enough reason!” 

Kakashi sighed at their antics, but couldn’t deny that the girl had a point. He’d expect something like this from Naruto, not from Sasuke, and the fact that he didn’t warn the team of his absence beforehand was all the more concerning. “I think we should go check on him, Kakashi-sensei.” 

“Yeah, I think so too,” Kakashi didn’t know if her request stemmed from actual worry or if she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to go to the boy’s house for the first time, but considering how out of character this whole situation was he felt like this would be the appropriate course of action.

Naruto complained a little, promptly earning a blow to the head from Sakura, and soon they were on their way. The two kids followed Kakashi as they approached Sasuke’s neighborhood, reaching the Uchiha’s address not fifteen minutes later.

They were beginning to think Sasuke wasn’t even home at all before the door was answered after the doorbell was rang for the third time, and maybe Sakura’s concern was valid because the boy truly looked awful. 

His bangs seemed to be plastered to his forehead with sweat and there was a greenish hue under his paler-than-normal complexion. His onyx eyes were bloodshot as he glared at them and Kakashi could see the shirtless boy was making an effort to not hunch over. “What?”

“Um...y-you were late for training,” Sakura stammered, ignoring the raging flush that took over her complexion at seeing her crush bare-chested. 

“I’m sick?” The boy stated the obvious. “Didn’t you see the bunshin I sent?”

“In your state, I wouldn’t be surprised if it dissipated before reaching us,” Said Kakashi.

“Yeah Sasuke, you really do look like crap,” Naruto commented, earning a glare both from Sakura and Sasuke, but the latter didn't really hold any force behind it.

“Well, if that’s all then,” The boy tried to shut the door on their faces, but Kakashi pushed it open with ease, letting himself in and willingly ignoring Sasuke’s deep scowl.

“What?!”

“We need to make sure you’re okay, Sasuke-kun,” Sakura said as she and Naruto followed Kakashi inside the apartment. It was all very neat, but you would expect as such from someone like Sasuke. 

“I’ll be fine,” The boy retorted tiredly, not even having enough energy to argue, which in itself was a big red flag. “Can’t you three just leave me alone for once?”

“No, we can’t,” Kakashi responded easily as he watched the boy heavily sit at his sofa, swallowing hard with a pained grimace that indicated clearly that his last statement was a lie.

“What���s wrong? Have you been throwing up?”

“That’s all I’ve been doing since I woke up,” 

“Aw, Sasuke-kun…” Sakura cooed sitting beside him and rubbing his shoulder, but the boy clearly didn’t appreciate the display of affection as he flinched like a cat drenched in water. 

“Look, I’ll probably be fine tomorrow,” He hissed. “I don’t want you all here,”

“Woah there Sasuke, no need to get all snarky just because of a tummy ache!” Naruto teased maliciously through a grin, making the older boy scowl.

“Just...shut up, Naruto,” Sasuke didn’t look like he could come up with a good comeback even if he wanted to. Kakashi narrowed his eyes as his face blanched slightly, a very subtle twitch in his eyebrows that would go unnoticed by lesser shinobi indicated that the boy was focusing every ounce of discipline on trying to not let his face betray how he truly felt. “You would know all about that, wouldn’t you Dobe?” He managed to shoot back through clenched teeth.

“Y’know what Teme-”

“Quit it Naruto!” Sakura roared besides sasuke, making the boy wince. “Can’t you see he isn’t feeling well?!”

“That applies to both of you,” Kakashi spoke up for the sake of his student, who seemed ready to hurl at any minute now and all that yelling they had grown used to could not be helping. “Actually, I need you two to bring some things from the store, after that you’re dismissed for today,”

“B-But Kakashi-Sensei!” Sakura stood up. “Won’t you need help taking care of him?!”

“I’m sure I can handle this myself, Sakura,” The man said, handing her the cash he had retrieved from his pocket. “Get some stomach relaxers, probably something for fever too...Oh, make sure to get him something to drink with electrolytes in it, got it?”

Sakura clearly disappointed at being ushered out the door by Kakashi and even Naruto seemed like he’d rather stay, but they were known for disrupting the peace, and that was clearly not what the raven haired boy needed at the moment.

Sure enough, Kakashi had barely closed the door when the kid shot up on rather wobbly legs and quickly made a beeline to the bathroom. Kakashi grimaced when he heard the loud retch that echoed through the house and followed the boy.

Sasuke groaned when the man kneeled down to his level and started rubbing his back, but didn’t fight it. Kakashi made sure to keep his long bangs out of the danger zone as Sasuke retched mouthfuls of murky vomit in waves. It was clear that he didn’t have much left in him to puke up, but his body seemed to not get that memo quite yet.

After about ten minutes he inhaled sharply, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, slumping slightly against Kakashi. “You’re done?”

“Dunno,” His voice sounded rather slurred, which was uncharacteristic, and closed his eyes. His arms snaked around his middle tightly and Kakashi sighed, not letting go of his shoulders.

“We should probably get you in bed,” Sasuke nodded after a moment of hesitance. He flushed the toilet and stood up on his own, insisting he didn’t need help and Kakashi didn’t try to argue in order to not upset the already sick boy, but he did stay close behind.

Soon he was situated on his bed. “You can leave now,” He said to his sensei, trying to sound sharp but only emphasizing how shaky he sounded. “I can take care of myself.”

“Hmm, can you?” Kakashi humored the boy. “Have you taken your temperature yet? Or tried to keep yourself hydrated at all?” His already flushed cheeks darkened and he avoided his eyes which said no as clearly as if he had said it out loud. “Do you even own a thermometer?”

“Obviously,” He replied caustically and Kakashi ignored his tone as he went on to search for said thermometer. Thankfully, with Sasuke being as organized as he was it didn’t take too long for him to find it inside the first aid’s kid under the bathroom sink. 

he walked back into the room not five minutes later with the emptied trash can from the bathroom and thermometer in hand. Sasuke already seemed on the verge of drifting off to sleep, and Kakashi almost felt bad for having to rouse him up again. “I need to take your temperature, open up.”

“Tch,” Sasuke unceremoniously grabbed the contraption from his sensei’s hands and stuck it under his own tongue. Kakashi just rolled his eyes, that kid was too proud for his own good.

“Well okay then,”  Said him with an exasperated sigh. “Keep that in for three minutes.”

“I know,”

“Of course you do.”

The boy pouted, and Kakashi allowed himself to crack an amused grin under the mask. Even mature and stoic, first in his class, prodigy Sasuke Uchiha was still, at the end of the day, only just a kid. Kahashi saw himself so much in that boy that it was almost painful, but he chose not to dwell on that at that moment.

The thermometer finally beeped, and Kakashi was slightly relieved when Sasuke handed it to him. Sure, he had a fever, but it was far more manageable than the man first thought. His drowsy voice must have been a product of exhaustion and exertion. “You’re gonna be fine,”

“I keep telling you-”

“You still have a fever,” Kakashi interrupted pointedly. “I’m just glad I don’t have to drag you to the hospital because of it,” Sasuke rolled his eyes, burying himself under the sheets. and turning on its side. “Alright, I’ll let you sleep. The other two should be back with your medicine soon though,”

Sasuke let out one of his usual noncommittal grunt and Kakashi offered a concealed wry smile, ruffling his hair like he usually did and closing the door behind him.

When he got to the living room he noticed a small brown paper bag at the coffee table with a little note attached to it. He didn’t know if he should feel ashamed for not even noticing his students’ presence while he was busy with Sasuke or if he ought to commend Sakura and Naruto for their stealth.

He considered giving Sasuke his medication right away, but decided against it. He seemed fine for now and the kid had just gotten to sleep.

“What are you still doing here?”

He would be okay, Kakashi would make sure of that.

------------------------------------------------------------

Kakashi looked up from his book with raised eyebrows to the young uchiha frowning at him from the hallway,though the fact that he was wrapped around a rather fluffy comforter didn’t make him nearly as intimidating . “Making sure my student doesn’t keel over,” Sasuke huffed. “I’m a good sensei,” The look on his face indicated that he was itching to disagree, but instead he just rubbed his eyes, blinking tiredly as he watched night set in through the window.

“What time is it?” 

“About six,”

“Six?” He narrowed his eyes, confusion clouding his features and Kakashi had a feeling he seemed more out of it than before he went to sleep. “But it was morning…?”

“Yup. And then noon, then afternoon. Now it’s evening,” 

“I slept a lot…” The boy mumbled, not picking up the irony. He looked far younger suddenly, with his flushed cheeks and still rubbing his sleep out of his eyes, the comforter making him seem smaller than he really was. 

“Well, you needed it,” Kakashi didn’t miss the way he swayed slightly as he walked up to sit besides him, crashing down on the sofa with a heavy huff. “How do you feel?”

He blinked, considering himself for a moment before responding. “I’m slightly...dizzy,”

“You’re dehydrated,” Kakashi said, pressing his palm against the boy’s forehead and ignoring the groan of protest. “And your fever seems to have gone up. How’s your stomach?”

“Not good,” Kakashi nodded, heading towards the kitchen where he’d already set the tablets and the electrolyte-enhanced water, now regretting not administering it to the kid earlier. He walked back to the room, deciding it’d be better if he brought along a deep mixing bowl too just in case.

“Here,” Sasuke wordlessly took the supplies from his hand and uncapped the water bottle, quickly gulping at least half of it before Kakashi had a chance to stop him. “Oi, not too fast! You’re gonna make yourself sick,” Kakashi took the bottle out of his hands quickly, shaking his head.

“But I’m thirsty,”

“Yeah, I can see that!” Kakashi watched the way his body reacted to the sudden influx of fluid warily, but when everything seemed to stay put he handed the bottle back to him. “Slow sips, and take the meds.” 

Sasuke mumbled something under his breath that sounded awfully like a jab at his sensei but it went ignored as Kakashi walked back to the kitchen and returned with a steaming bowl and a pair of chopsticks each with an unnerving expression that indicated he was smiling behind the mask.

Sasuke groaned, tossing back the medicine and pailing as the smell of food reached his nose. “What is that?”

“Broth and noodles,”kakashi answered with those same smiling eyes that made sasuke want to hide under his comforter.

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sasuke drew a deep breath as his sensei set the offending bowl at the table in front of him. “Please don’t ask me to eat that.”

“I’m not asking, Sasuke.” He said firmly, making the boy wince in aversion. “You need to at least try to eat something,”

“It even won’t stay down…” His voice sounded almost whiny, a quality Kakashi would never attribute to the Uchiha. The man let out a breath, feeling sympathetic towards his student.

“Well, it’s better to have something on your stomach too, y’know, bring up.” He assured, ruffling his hair before pushing the bowl to his hands. “C’mon, you don’t have to eat everything right now,”

Sasuke sighed heavily, closing his eyes as though he was having a very serious internal debate before shrugging, taking the bowl from Kakashi’s hand and taking a tentative sip from the broth.

He was rather pleasantly surprised. The taste wasn’t strong, which he was thankful for, but also not revoltingly bland, the noodles were just the right texture and even in his state he could appreciate good food, and couldn’t help but wonder- “Did you make this?”

Kakashi, who was back to reading his debauched book by that point, smirked at him. Or rather, Sasuke assumed he did. “What’s with the tone of surprise?”

“It’s…” He could feel the broth warm him from inside out, and even though there was still an uncomfortable tightness assaulting his stomach it seemed settled for the moment. “It’s really good.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi ruffled his hair annoyingly. He did this so often Sasuke didn’t even mind anymore. “It’s made with love,”

“Shut up,” He mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up more than they already were and Kakashi let out an airy laugh through his mask, but soon they fell into a comfortable silence. 

The soup really was good, but something that Sasuke couldn’t quite put into words made it slightly better. it wasn’t a matter of taste but a feeling deep inside him that he associated with it. 

And then he remembered a very similar dish Mikoto prepared for him every time he felt even slightly under the weather and felt his heart clench.

It seemed like as soon as he realized the memories weighed his mind like a brick. He used to fall ill rather often as a child, and every time without fail he would be coddled and pampered by his mother.

And of course, Itachi. 

It was almost set in stone. He’d so much as start sniffling and the house would be filled with those same smells, she’d tuck him in, Itachi would let him sleep with him more often than not. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t think he’d been this sick since-

He dropped his chopsticks as his hands slacked. Suddenly, his ears were ringing as he felt his throat swell up and his mouth water. He couldn’t even hear what Kakashi had said before his head was forced downwards and the bowl of soup was replaced by a plastic mixing bowl just in time for him to let out a wet burp that carried with it a good portion of his undigested meal.

His stomach which had been pleasantly stable for the better part of the last hour felt like it was about to be torn apart as his once pleasant meal rushed out of him violently, barely allowing him any time to breath.

Kakashi had pinned his hair back at one point and was rubbing soothing circles around his back, but he wished he didn’t, as it reminded him too much of a simpler past. Sasuke had grown used to dealing with things such as this on his own, and having someone be so nurturing for the first time in years was almost triggering to him.

His abdomen contracted roughly against his will and he spewed violently once again. His throat felt raw, his sinus was burning with the bits and pieces that got stuck there during the whole ordeal and his stomach felt so sore that he couldn’t suppress the pathetic whine that left him when he was done.

“Kami-sama…” Kakashi muttered under his breath. “You shouldn’t have forced yourself,” Kakashi didn’t understand what had triggered this sudden and severe bout of sickness, but he preferred it that way. He didn’t even truly know himself. “Are you-”

“I’m fine,” Sasuke forced through gritted teeth, but this statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. He was shaking, he could barely breathe without his airways burning, his body pulsated with the strain and his mind was clouded with fever and memories he’d do anything to forget. 

He pushed the filthy bowl Kakashi was still holding under his chin aside and supported his head on his hands, groaning pitifully as Kakashi decided to run a hand through his hair. Why was he doing that? Sasuke wanted to scream when he felt a knot form on his throat and his eyes sting.

He was not going to cry. Not in front of his fucking sensei. He wasn’t a child, so why the hell was Kakashi still trying to comfort him like he was? 

Kakashi pulled Sasuke into an embrace before the boy could really realize what was happening, a hand protectively holding his head while the other patted him on the back. “You’re gonna be okay,” He said, his voice taking a tone Sasuke had never heard before. He tried to pull away because he smelled of vomit and sweat and this was weird, but Kakashi’s iron grip wouldn’t let him. “You are not alone anymore.”

And maybe it was the fever messing with his mind, maybe he was simply too sick to do anything about it, but there were tears running down his face before the man had said those words. A sob escaped his chest, then another, and Kakashi refused to let him go. 

Not being alone was such a foreign concept to him that it was intimidating. How could he allow people to see beyond the mask he had crafted for himself to cope. How could he allow his sensei, one of the most notorious shinobis of his era see him in his most weak, pathetic state?

But when was the last time he was held like this? That he was assured everything would be okay? 

When was the last time he was actually cared for?

And it felt good. It felt so good that he soon found himself reciprocating Kakashi’s embrace and burying his face in his chest. If the man was bothered that he was smearing tears, snot and more than likely vomit all over his flak jacket, he didn’t show it.

Sasuke sobbed himself hoarse that night, four years of bottled up emotions and traumas seemingly exploding out of him at once, and Kakashi never left his side. Later on neither shinobi would ever speak about the events of that evening ever again.

Undoubtedly though, something shifted in their relationship after that. Sasuke thought that he’d lost everyone he would even know as family on that godforsaken day, but family had a way to creep up on you unexpectedly, whether you liked it or not.

Sasuke started appreciating his teacher a lot more than he ever thought possible.

[luna-almighty-god]

Comfort a Little Dream N°1 [Broken dreams fade into the night]

Read on Ao3 !

Hello everyone, welcome to the translation of "Comfort a Little Dream!"

This story is obviously not canonical, please do not refer to it if you are looking for canonical information.

Careful, there are explicit scenes in this story (violence) !

I hope you have a good read!

====

    The atmosphere had become heavy, heavy, unbearable, while Nightmare's hoarse voice hit him hard.

- What have you done for Cross' world? Or for any of the universes we've destroyed? -

    She insinuated herself into him, embraced his soul, squeezed it until it cracked.

- What have you done for your world? What have you done for your own brother? -

    Dream hiccupped, trembling, trying to repress those filthy thoughts, those thoughts that terrified him. But he was unable to fight back. Not while Ink was in Error's hands, wounded and unarmed. Not while all the BadSanses surrounded him, ready to react to his every move. 

And Nightmare's voice rumbled again, forcing the young skeleton to lower his eyes, looking for some meager comfort in his fallen crown.

- Nothing! Your role as a guardian is just a trick, a poor way to give you importance! –

    The crown shattered. Dream watched in horror as she was shattered, unable to believe that his brother could have done such a thing. Unable to believe... to believe that... 

    The sniggering of the others without reaching his ears, petrifying him with anguish, while his eyes were bathed in tears. 

- YOU'RE NOTHING! -

    Dream fell to his knees. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! He was useful! He was the keeper... the keeper of... He was the... he was...

    His empty gaze wandered through the assembly. Dream didn't understand. No, no, no, he didn't understand! He shouldn't feel that way! He struggled, he forced himself never to feel that way! He was a keeper of positive emotions, he couldn't break down, he had no right, he couldn't feel... feel... ! 

    But the negative emotions took hold of him with deceit, with an incredible violence that penetrated his soul and cracked it a little more every second. His discomfort only increased more as he felt the storm growling, growing inside him. Guilt, anger, regret, torment, pain, PAIN!

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

    His terror twisted his skull, his scream tore the atmosphere, froze space, petrified time in an instant of pure suffering.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

    His throat seemed to tear, as if scratched from the inside, scratched by his harsh voice, strangled by the horror and disgust he felt towards himself. The weight on his shoulders, which had been too heavy for a long time, finally crushed and suffocated him. He grabbed his skull, his eyes wide open with horror, scratching himself violently without being aware of it, without paying the slightest attention to what was around him. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

    Nightmare was wrong, he wasn't guilty, he did his best! He had helped people, supported them, gave them hope! He had made others dream, he had made them smile, and although he couldn't save the world from Cross, he had helped the Monochrome recover from this ordeal, to mourn and move forward! 

    ... But that wasn't enough, was it? That kind of thing... that kind of help, support... anyone could do it. It wasn't that hard to reach out, to offer good feelings to others. Nightmare, the nightmare master himself, was able to do it. He'd done it with the Bad Sanses, given them a home and become their new family.

- Actually that's what's bothering you -

    He froze, his scream choking in his throat.

- What bothers you is to be just one of many people, to do nothing exceptional -

    His orbits became empty, he stopped breathing.

- What bothers you is being loved and worshipped more than you should. It's being admired for nothing -

    He thought he perceived a sneer, a cruel and mocking snigger that stuck sharp claws along his bones.

- Ever since you were a kid, you've known you didn't deserve this admiration. You know that it should have been your brother who benefited from it. Because he worked hard. Because he made real efforts, real plans, real connections -

    He hadn't realized that the world had been transformed, that Ink, his brother, the bad sanses had disappeared, replaced by an infinite void, a void heavier than anything he had ever known before.

    He was the only one left. Only him.

    Him and his conscience.

    And she laughed painfully in his face, telling him a truth that he refused to hear, that he refused to accept. 

- It's your aura that gave you everything -

    He opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling of his room as if he was discovering it for the first time. His sight disturbed by the tears gave him a terrible burning sensation, as did most of his body. But he didn't move. He didn't observe himself. He didn't need to observe himself to be aware of his condition, to know that he had done it again that night.

    He'd had another nightmare. His soul missed a beat. The last sentence of his consciousness was gently resonating in his mind, reminding him of the smallest details of this bad dream.

    He choked a sob, felt his stomach twist violently, and had only just to turn around to the ledge before vomiting the contents of his previous meal, filling the room with the awful sound of regurgitation. A taste of foul acid seized his puck, the foul odor caught him in his gut and he thought he was ready to vomit a second time.

    He didn't. Instead he had a violent coughing fit, grabbed his shirt at the place of his soul, felt his whole being boil, burn it. As in his dream, his throat seemed to be torn open, assailing him with a sharp pain, pushing him to sob again in spite of the self-control he was trying to show.

    The little salty drops came to slide down his cheeks, fell to the ground and mingled with the vile puddle he had created. He closed his eyes. He was in pain.

[He felt bad]

    He coughed again, tried to muffle the noise by putting a hand over his mouth, as if disturbed the silence of his home was a crime of great magnitude, as if he was afraid of waking anyone. But there was no one to wake up.

[Unlike Nightmare, he lived alone.]

    He curled up on himself, feeling suffocated, strangled by his cough and sobs. His mouth filled with a new taste, a taste that disgusted him as much as bile. A metallic taste that made him open his eyes again, look at his hand.

    He lives with horror his phalanges covered with a sticky, reddish liquid. Covered with his blood.

    His trembling body fell back against the sheets and he came and clutched his pillow, plunged his face into it, bit the cover without worrying about the marks he left on it. His cold sweats made him tense up even more and for the umpteenth time he closed his eyes, both really and metaphorically.

    For the umpteenth time he repeated the lie he had told himself over and over again:

“I'm fine…”

*** ***

    The impact was painful, the creak was sinister. Dream knew without hesitation that he had broken a rib. It was only a small surprise: he knew what to expect from the moment he threw himself into the fight. 

    Ink had come looking for him in panic, begging for his help as Error destroyed an AU. Normally, the Creator liked to fight singular battles against the Destroyer, but this time he couldn't do anything alone: the Bad Sanses were also part of the party and, as strong as the painter was, he couldn't do anything in front of a whole group, especially if Nightmare was present.

    Dream couldn't refuse. He never refused anything, least of all to those he loved. Because Ink was one of the most loved people in the world. He was his best friend.

    But they were outnumbered by their enemies, and despite some of their ploys that had put Killer, Horror and Dust out of action for a limited time, there were still Error, Nightmare and Cross to stand up to them. Ink naturally came to oppose his opposite, taking up the bad habit of joking and playing cat and mouse with him, leaving poor Dream facing his brother and Cross.

[Best friends, huh...?]

    But Nightmare wasn't fighting. He had gratified the guardian of dreams with a mocking and haughty look before simply joining his subordinates to free them.

“Cross, we don't have to fight! cried Dream, narrowly dodging a blade stroke. 

- You know I do!”

    They were friends. Dream had supported him, helped him grieve. Helped him to move on and get back to positive emotions. But even so, Cross had returned to Nightmare: "There must be some good in him," the swordsman had said when Dream had told him and his twin their story. "You said it yourself: he lived a horrible life, rejected by everyone, full of hatred against everyone. So I want to do with him what you have done for me: I want to help him, to help him to enjoy life, to be positive, to be happy. »

    And Cross had succeeded. With the help of the other Bad Sanses, he had succeeded where Dream had failed: to give Nightmare back some joy, to teach him to smile again. He had felt it, he had felt his twin emitting positive emotions again, even if he only showed them to his subordinates. 

    Dream wanted to throw up.

    A final attack between him and Cross caused them both to retreat before they took up their respective weapons, allowing themselves a short pause to catch their breath.

    But the guard heard that little voice again. That vicious voice that drove him mad, that drove him crazy telling him everything he did not want to hear:

- Cross will never come back to you, you know why -

- Ink left you for his beloved enemy, you know why -

- You know very well why -

“... Shut up…”

    It was just a whisper, a feeble attempt to cover up. It's always the same old story, isn't it? You'd think he couldn't move on. Wasn't it ironic, the guardian of positivity telling everyone to look to the future while he himself was clinging to a false past?

- That's how Dream is. You can't change who you are. You have this aura, this aura that makes others feel good when they're around you -

    His body petrified.

“Shut up.”

    It was firmer, but still insufficient.

- That should make you happy, that's why everyone's attracted to you, why everyone wants you by their side -

“Shut…”

- A beautiful illusion, as much for the others as for you. Isn't it, Dr... ? -

“SHUT UP!”

    His cry echoed through the ruined Universe, echoed back and echoed back only more violently against him. He shuddered, let go of his bow to grasp his arms, to hold them against his trembling body, to cower as if it were the only way to protect himself.

    He gritted his teeth, empty sockets stuck in the snow he couldn't see. All he perceived was his own terror.

“Dream?!”

    Cross had taken a step in his direction, unsettled and confused by the sudden fear that had taken hold of him. 

“What's going on? Is everything okay?”

- He attacks you and then asks you if you're okay. I've come to wonder if he's not laughing at you -

    No, not Cross. Cross never made fun of him. He was kind, helpful, humorous. He was a... He was a... 

- He serves your brother of his own free will, but sometimes he comes back to you for comfort -

    Dream widened his eyes. Cross came a little closer.

    How many times has this happened? When Nightmare hadn't softened yet, when Cross was trying to bring him back on the right side and he was starting to despair, how many times had he come to find Dream? How many times had the little guardian encouraged him, dried his tears?

- You're only good at comforting others, aren't you? –

- Not just Cross. –

- Blueberry, Ink ... even the Bad Sanses that you protected many times from the fury of your brother, even your brother that you continued to protect and refused to kill during your confrontations. You've always been there for them, you've always done your best. But them? What have they done for you? -

“Dream, answer me!”

- Who helped you when Nightmare petrified you? -

    Cross put one hand on his shoulder.

- Who supports you in your night terrors? -

    He crouches at his height, letting his guard down.

- Nobody -

- Because you mean nothing to anyone -

    ...

    The earth shook with the violence of the shock. The din of the skull smashed against the ground froze every particle, froze the fight of Ink and Error, froze the Bad Sanses and Nightmare. 

    There was... ...nothing. For a few seconds it was absolute calm. Dream stood there, raised up, arms outstretched as he held the end of his bow between his palms.     trembling. The half-open mouth, a drop of sweat beading down his temple, his pupilless orbits only amplified a little more the shadow that appeared on his face, only made the absence of emotion on his features more terrifying. 

    Until these features change, until these pupils slowly reappear, until they watch in fright at Cross' unconscious body, his cracked skull, his blood escaping from his wound. The same blood that was found at the other end of the bow, the end with which Dream had struck.

“CROSS!!”

    Nightmare's panicked scream brought him out of his trance. He raised his head.

    Everybody was looking at him. The Bad Sanses, Ink... Everyone was looking at him with this feeling that no one had ever had before. This feeling that Dream hated so much, that made him tremble and retreat, away from the body of the one he had considered his friend until then. 

[ Watching him in terror ]

[We were afraid of him.]

“D ... Dream?” stuttered Ink, unable to believe what the gentle guardian of dreams had just done, the supposedly sweetest, most innocent monster of the multiverse.

    Something crumbled. Something firmly anchored in Dream's rib cage. His throbbing little soul, hidden in plain sight, painfully cracked.

    Dream's gaze returned to Cross and little by little his expression changed as he became aware of his act.

    His magic enveloped him vividly, teleporting him as he perceived Ink's cry trying to restrain him. 

    He reappeared at home, fell on the living room table which he broke in his fall, screamed in front of the pain of the impact, felt his breath cut off in front of the suffering of his cracked side. 

[He'd hit Cross]

    He leaned on his hands, stood up with short breath, looked at the tips of his fingers, his fingers that had held the weapon.

[He could have killed Cross]

    He watched his bow fall to the ground, stood in the center of the room among the remains of his piece of furniture before a terrible rage gripped his soul, his breathing quickened.

    He shouted, exploded his bow against the wall with all the force and anger he could muster, grabbed one of the chairs and threw it against his bookcase, demolishing both pieces of furniture and causing his books to fall against the floor. He grabbed a vase and broke it against the fireplace, tore the cover of the sofa, knocked into his television set, broke everything that could be broken, without ceasing to scream, without being able to repress the bitter tears that ran down his defeated face. But no matter how stubborn he was, no matter how much he raged at everything that came into his way, his guilt and shame did not diminish, but seemed to grow stronger.

    He violently bit his hand, choking a new scream, inflicting a new wound on himself. He intensified the bite, pushed his teeth into his bone, felt the pungent taste of blood fill his mouth, while his able-bodied hand grabbed his arm to plant his phalanxes, scratching himself as if to atone for his fault, to inflict punishment on himself. 

    Again that feeling of suffocating, of drowning in tears and despair, like what he's been going through every night for all these fucking years. 

    He gave a violent blow backwards, hitting his skull against the wall and, bewildered, he let himself fall, ceased to bite himself to better push his sobs, his desperate screams that filled the whole house, while he cowered feverishly, his body heavy. 

- Dream, Dream, Dream... Poor little fragile thing... -

“Go away... !”

    His cry died in his throat, he closed his eyes.

    He didn't want to hear that voice anymore.

- Poor dream keeper, so unfamiliar with negative emotions, unable to handle them properly when you feel them ... Another thing your brother does better than you-

    He gritted his teeth, backed up against the wall. He wanted to disappear, disappear into dust.

“Let's see Dream, it wouldn't be fun anymore if that happened!”

    He froze.

    This ghostly voice, coming from his own subconscious, heard only from him and him alone ... was heard in the room, right in front of him.

[ No...! ]

    He opened his eyes, terrified, and his descent into hell accelerated at the sight of what he found before him. That thing, that being, which he had until then taken for an invention of his mind, whereas from the beginning, from all these nights, these nightmares ... It was actually one of the most abominable beings of the multiverse.

    Dream has a repressed scream.

[It was Shattered Dream...]

===

Next Chapter

You can support me on my Utip or on my Ko-fi account !

===

Credits (please, let me know if there's a mistake) :

Dreamtale ->  @jokublog

Shattered Dream -> @shattereddreamsau

Cross ->  @jakei95

Error -> @loverofpiggies 

Ink -> @comyet

Dust -> Ask DustTale

Killer -> @rahafwabas

Color -> @Othertale-blog

Sugar Plum -> undertale Community (formerly NSFWShamecave ?)

[amethystunarmed]

Nothing But

Relationships: Dabi/Hawks

Warnings: Manga Spoilers, Referenced Violence and Character Death, Referenced Child Abuse

Word Count: 1892

Part of the Truth Series Part 2 Part 3

AO3 Link

~~~

Hawks gets hit with a truth quirk right before a meeting with Dabi. Dabi thinks it'll be fun. It isn't.

~~~

To be honest, the fight hadn’t been hard. Most villains see Hawks’s lazy complaints and the pretty boy smiles and forget why he’s Number Two. Forget that his speed is not the only thing to fear, but that his technique is unmatched, even by Endeavor. So when he shot out his feathers, pinning bank robbers to walls, there isn’t a lot of fuss. Just that the woman nearest to where he landed reached towards him. He leans back, trying to get out of the way. God only knows what kind of quirk she could have. But even as his feathers drag her away, her fingers brush against his wrist with glowing yellow light.

Fuck.

The fight is already over, Hawks can tell. The would-be robbers struggle against his bonds, but none of them appear to have the strength or flame quirks that would really put him in trouble. He has time to check himself over for injuries. He looks at his wrist, examines it for any burns or residue but there’s nothing there. Huh... She must have missed him. Still, he didn’t like the way she was smirking at him.

The effects of the quirk only really became apparent once the EMTs arrived. Though no one had really been hurt, it was standard procedure to be checked over before returning to work. Hawks was annoyed by the delay. His patrols had been right at its end when the call about the robbers came over his comm. At this rate, he would be late for his meeting with Dabi, something the villain, despite the many times he’d made Hawks wait, was incredibly unforgiving about. 

“You seem alright, Hawks,” the EMT said, sticking her penlight back in the pocket of her uniform, “Not even a scrape. Anything else happen that I should know about?”

“I mean, I think one of the villains hit me with her quirk,” Hawks says without thinking. Her expression grows concerned, and he curses internally. He offers a dashing smile. “But it didn’t do anything, I feel perfectly fine.” He can tells by the way she’s frowning that she’s unfortunately good at her job.

“Even so, it would be best for you to go to the hospital,” she tells him, “We can monitor you for any changes. Hawks suppresses his sigh and smiles wider. He’ll just tell her he’ll go home, and call his personal physician if anything happens. It’s a lie he’s said so often, it's starting to feel like the truth. He opens his mouth.

“I’m not allowed to go to the hospital.”

Hawks’s eyes widen.

What the fuck?

The EMT stares agape at him. They just look at each other for a moment.

“I r-really need to go,” Hawks stammers, “I just broke like, 8 NDAs by telling you that.”

What the actual fuck?

He stumbles backwards, wings already flapping. His instincts are screaming at him to get away from the threat, the thing putting his entire existence at risk. Unfortunately, his mouth is just as fast as the rest of him.

The EMT reaches forward, clearly worried, but she keeps her voice soothing and calm. “Hawks, one of the villains is registered as having a truth quirk. I think you’ve been affected-”

“I have to go,” Hawks yammered, “I’m terrified of telling you something that will get you killed.” 

What. The. Fuck.

Her hands fall at that, and she stops. She doesn’t say a word as he flies away.

~~~

Hawks slams down on his balcony with one of the worst landings he’s done since he was teenager. His knees ache, but he can’t think about anything other than his heart beating in his ears and the words truth quirk on endless loop. His hands shake as he opens the balcony doors. He can handle this. It can’t last more than a day, maybe two, right? He just has to stay in his apartment and it’ll be fine. The Commission’ll be pissed, but they’ll allow it. Last thing they want is Hawks in the field spilling all their-

“Nice of you to finally show up, little bird.”

Hawks yelps and leaps over his couch, putting some kind of barrier between him and this new threat. It’s only when the man chuckles, that Hawks remembers. Oh fuck. He has a meeting with Dabi.

He smirks down at Hawks.

“What’s got you so jumpy, hero?” Dabi sneers, and Hawks answers him.

“I got hit with a truth Quirk.”

Hawks swiftly contemplates every decision that has gotten him to this moment, starting with his own birth, and regrets all of them.

Dabi’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas Day and Hawks is the present he’s been waiting all year to unwrap.

“Really?” He purrs, “Well, isn’t that incredible.”

Hawks should run. Should push Dabi out of his apartment or lock himself in his room but he doesn’t. He just sits there, mouth half-open, like it can’t wait to tell all his secrets.

“Let’s start with something easy.” Dabi licks his lips. “What do you think of me?”

“I’ve been attracted to you since the day we met and if you stepped on me, I’d thank you.” Hawks clamps his hands over his mouth, but it’s too late. Dabi is already cackling, head tilted back, smile so wide Hawks is afraid he’ll pop a staple. It would have been beautiful if it wasn’t so cruel.

“Not exactly what I meant, but can’t say I’m not flattered.” He takes a step closer to Hawks, greedy eyes still glimmering with power. “And what do you think of hero society?”

That one Hawks doesn’t even bother trying to hold in.

“I’ve grown up in it my whole life, don’t really have an opinion anymore.” 

Dabi rolls his eyes. “I suppose I’ll have to get more specific.” He reaches out, takes Hawks’s chin between his fingers.

“Are you betraying the League of Villains?”

No, no, no, this can’t be happening. Hawks bites down on his tongue. His eyes scrunch shut with the effort it takes to keep the words in his mouth. He can’t tell him, he can’t let him know, can’t let it all be a waste-

“I am, but I wish I wasn’t.”

Wait, what? 

Dabi takes an instinctive step back.

“What?” He echoes and Hawks is too surprised not to answer.

“I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could really be on your side. No one has ever treated me like the League has. I wish I could be a part of it for real.” Hawks isn’t sure why he is still talking. Dabi is looking at him with these horrified eyes, and he just can’t bear it, can’t handle the wait of disappointing someone who’s opinion he values so much. He just wants Dabi to stop looking at him like that. Dabi’s eyes widen and Hawks realizes he’s said all of that out loud. But still, he forges ahead.

“I mean, I don’t agree with everything you do. I don’t like that you kill people. But I’ve killed people. The Hero Commission has killed people. They made me kill Best Jeanist.”

Dabi blinks rapidly. “They knew about that?”

“Oh, they ordered it.” The quirk must be getting worse. There is no time for Hawks to stop, no time for him to fight the stream of words flowing from his mouth. “I told them about your request. I really thought they’d call it. Tell me it wasn’t worth it, that it’d gone too far. I was scared, because I failed my mission, but I was relieved too. I was afraid, because I was really starting to like you.”

Dabi wasn’t moving. Now he was frozen too, just listening to Hawks talk.

“But they told me to keep going. Told me Best Jeanist wasn’t useful anymore and that he could be dispatched. So they gave me his address and I went to visit him and when he turned his back I pulled out one of my longest feathers and stabbed him over and over until he stopped moving. Then I threw up in the sink, used his shower to clean off the blood, and brought him to you. You were so happy with me. Despite everything, that felt nice. My handlers don’t really tell me when I do well, just when I have things I need to fix.” Hawks feels like he’s drunk. He’s never been drunk before (except for that one time on Rumi’s birthday when he blacked out) but he is certain this is how it must feel. His head is swimming and the world is shifting in and out of focus and he can’t fucking shut up.

“What the fuck? Handlers? Why do you have handlers?” 

“I’m an asset. All assets have handlers.” Dabi is staring at him like he can’t comprehend Hawks’s words and the thing inside of him propels him forward. “They make sure I continue to be an appropriate representation of the Hero Commission.”

Dabi frowns. “The hell does that mean?”

“Make me train. Keep me presentable. File down my talons, give me speech lessons to reduce the bird noises I make.”

“That's... that's real fucked up.”

Hawks nods and his head feels like a balloon. “It is. It’s one of the reasons I like spending time at the hideout. No one cares if I eat raw meat or if I tweet when I’m happy. I crushed an apple in my grip yesterday and Toga cheered. It was surreal. Normally I get punished.”

“If you hate it so much, why don’t you leave?”

“I have nothing else. They bought me when I was a kid.” Everything Hawks has held close, everything he told himself wasn’t true, everything he repressed, it all comes tumbling out. “I mean, they asked me if I wanted to go, to be a hero, but they knew my parents beat the shit out of me. They knew I wasn’t going to turn down a chance to get away from that. But it didn’t matter. They got the weapon they wanted. They made me perfect. If I fail, they punish me, so I won’t do it again, that’s why I can’t leave. They’ll kill me, or worse. Probably worse. They’ve invested too much in me to get rid of me. So they’ll just chain me up until I’m obedient again. Until I’m theirs again.”

“So I don’t really have an option,” Hawks continues and he feels tears streaming down his cheeks and his voice cracks with sobs but still he can’t stop talking. “The Hero Commission uses me, the League of Villains uses me, it doesn’t really matter. I’m used to it. It’s what I’m good for. Even you use me. I don’t mind that as much though, even though I should. It’s nice when it’s you.” A sob wracks his chest.

“Do-“

“Please don’t ask me any more questions,” Hawks begs, “I’ll do anything, just stop, please.” Dabi pauses, more hesitant and gentle that Hawks thought possible, before nodding. And finally, with no more words left to give, Hawks wraps his wings around himself and weeps. 

At some point, Dabi leans against him, begins running his fingers through his hair. Hawks knows he should be disgusted, should shove him away, but instead he leans closer, desperate for the comfort. He reaches his wing around Dabi, and hides them away from the world together.

[rora-s]

My Coming Out Story

Disclaimer: Due to the personal nature of this story names have been changed as to not reveal peoples identity.  I’m not sure why I decided to post this story now. It’s something I’ve hadn’t written for awhile but never knew when or where to place it. I’m posting it now and I hope that if someone needs it now in their life they can read it and feel a little better about how things are going.  When I was little I really didn’t have a concept of what gay was. I grew up in a loving christian home with my mechanical engineer turned youth minister mom and my current electrical engineer dad who was also the music leader at church for a number of years. There were also my three siblings of which I was the second oldest. My life revolved around church. It was literally where I went to preschool and I spent at least five days a week there well into my teenage years. 

Growing up in this way wasn’t bad. I had a great community and family. However, that changed. I remember thinking during my elementary school days that I thought of guys and girls the same. The only thing was that I understood that when you get married girls marry guys and vice versa. That’s just how it was and I thought everyone felt the way I did. You just had to pair up like that. 

I had heard the word gay and understood the concept of it when I was in elementary school thanks to my church and one kid at my school. My mom told me he was gay and I didn’t believe it because he was so nice and from what I understood gay meant bad. (He came out when we were in middle school and was one of my inspirations later on.) 

Still the first time I had a personal connection with having that label was when some girls started a rumor that me and one of my best friends who was also female had kissed on the playground during recess. This was an outright lie and my violent tendencies at the time due to (at that time) unmedicated ADHD caused me to lash out and beat up the bully which got me sent to the principal's office. I didn’t tell anyone why I had beat up the girl just that she was being mean to my friend. As I was a frequent flyer in the office at that time they didn’t really question me all that hard anyway. Now that I’m older I can’t really tell you why I didn’t tell anyone what the girls said. Whether I was embarrassed, scared, or just too stubborn to give them an answer I don’t remember I just know I didn’t. 

Fast forward to middle school and I was a far more awkward, less violent teen. At this point I was still pretty unaware of the world around me in regards to the LGBT. I knew that there were some kids in my grade that had come out as LGBT that kid I mentioned before among them. Still to me it was something that was viewed as a bad thing they were sinners. It was all what church had taught me whether it be explicitly by some or implicitly by the majority it was still something I picked up on as a child. 

Then one day my mom told me that we had been invited by two of her friends from college to have lunch with them. It was at one of my favorite little cafes so I was really excited. She told me they were psychologists and that they were together. She also told me they were two men. I was shocked. I didn’t think gay people could have significant relationships like straight people. On top of that I couldn’t imagine my mom -- who by all accounts was the symbol of a perfect godly woman to my entire church community -- could be friends with them. 

Her response to my shock: “We’re christians, they are not, we hate the sin but we love the sinner. Despite being gay they are still good people but since they aren’t christians we can’t hold them to the same standard as us. They simply don’t believe in it.” (I paraphrased but this is the general idea of the conversation) 

It was the first time I had heard such a sentiment and I went into that lunch with a curious perspective. I was still a little shy so I didn’t ask about it but I watched them together, made note of their wedding bands (gay marriage wasn’t legal then but they were symbolic to them), and witnessed their love for each other. After that I started finding myself paying more attention to my peers who had come out. Many of which I ran in the same circles as. The more I watched and interacted and bonded with them the more my bigoted thoughts that gays were these lustful bad people faded and I realized they were normal people. 

That’s when I realized something. Not everyone loves both guys and girls and just picks a side. I learned that bisexuality existed. The next step I took in my journey was repression. I was a christian. Christians were not gay. I was not gay. I could not be gay. I was just imagining it and it’s not a big deal. Afterall I still like guys so we're fine. 

This lasted until my sophomore year of high school, choir class, and a girl with freckles, short multi colored hair, dazzling eyes, and the singing voice of an angel. The panic was real and my emotions would not shut up. I couldn't come to terms with it. With any of it. 

I denied my feelings for most of that year until one day I was with two of my friends. We were all writers and talking about different stories we were working on. Then one of them paused in the middle of what she was saying and turned to me saying “these characters are gay. We know you don’t believe in that stuff but that’s what it is” 

I looked back at her in shock and I responded with “that’s okay. I am a christian and while I might never practice that myself I’m okay with other people doing it. Hate the sin, love the sinner” my friend smiled at me and said that was the first time she’d heard such an accepting thing from a christian and continued telling us about her story as we headed to class. 

I was glad I put a smile on her face and made her feel accepted but honestly I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I’d simply parroted back to hear all the stuff that had been shoved down my throat for my entire life. Did I really believe it though? I couldn’t stop thinking about that conversation for the rest of the week. I also couldn’t stop thinking about that girl from choir class but that was honestly nothing new. 

About a week later our school had standardized testing going on. Which divided up kids into computer labs by grade and last name. Me and one of my guy friends we’ll call him Cane had luckily been seated near each other. During one of our breaks when we were allowed to talk. I went over and leaned on the desk next to him. He vented to me about how he had a crush on one of our mutual friends and was thinking about asking her out but was nervous. I gave him encouragement as best I could then he inquired whether I was interested in anyone. Before I really thought about it I answered yes. He asked who and after only a few moments of deliberation I admitted that it was the girl from my choir class. He acknowledged and agreed that she was cute before continuing on. I looked at him in surprise and pointed out to him that she was female. He said he knows and that it wasn’t that big of a deal if I liked girls. I thanked him and asked him not to tell anyone because I still wasn’t sure. He agreed to keep it under wraps but did tease me a little for my crush. 

After that conversation. I finally took the leap and began to look up the LGBT community online. I found forums and support centers and ted talks and messages and christians saying that LGBT was okay. I was ecstatic but still I was worried so I prayed and the more I prayed and researched and talked with other LGBT people the more I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. Finally I could admit to myself that I was in fact bisexual and I was okay with that and so was my God. 

I still wasn’t comfortable coming out to anyone yet. So I spent more time on online forums for LGBT youth and writers. I learned about the community and I embraced my crush on the girl in choir. Even though it didn’t pan out and I fell for a boy we’ll call him Reese and started dating him my junior year. It felt like things were going okay. I was able to tell one of my friends call them Alex finally that year and they intern told me that they were asexual. We were able to support each other in our closets and were happy. 

During my Junior year even though my feelings for the choir girl faded I ended up meeting another girl in my Fire and Rescue class at the career education center that partnered with my high school. We’ll call her Polly. She was an incredible person, bright and beautiful and unabashedly herself all the time. We bonded over marvel movies and writing. Even though I was dating Reese at the time I was falling head over heels for this girl. It took me a while to figure it out as slowly me and Polly became better friends but I was developing feelings for her.

Finally, my senior I got the courage (with support of Alex) to come out to my main friend group. It was at a marching band competition and everyone was super supportive. My best friend you can call her April she said she wasn’t surprised and Reese who was still my boyfriend at the time said he loved me and would always support me and this didn’t change that. I even came back out to Cane again because I had genuinely forgotten that he already knew. He reminded me of what he said that day. That it didn’t matter and he wouldn’t tell a soul. They were all proud of me for owning who I was. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

However, it couldn’t last. When I was telling April one of the band mom’s overheard and gave me a shocked and disgusted look. She didn’t say anything but she didn’t have to. She was known for being the gossip of the group and she was a religious friend of my moms. If she had overheard then it was only a matter of time before she told my mother. 

I was terrified. When I got home from the competition I watched my mom to see if she was going to react at all to me. She didn’t and I realized she hadn’t been told yet. I was relieved but knew that I wanted to be the one to tell my mom. I didn’t want her to hear it from a secondary source, especially not the gossip. So I got on one of my forums and talked to some LGBT friends who encouraged me before I took a deep breath and headed into my parents room. 

My dad was away on business so it was just my mother. I told her I had something to tell her and she gave me her attention. I explained that I had come to accept myself as I am and that I knew God had also accepted me as the way I am. I told her I was bisexual and waited watching her. 

She stared at me for a long moment. Her face was a mixture of confusion and fear and the next words out of her mouth I will never forget she asked “does this mean you’re going to hell?” 

I felt like someone had just pulled the floor out from under me. She didn’t understand and spent the next couple minutes trying to convince me I was mistaken or that this was wrong. We stayed civil and eventually she just said she needed to process this and sent me back to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. 

The next day at school I told my friends what happened and they comforted me. When I got back from school and band practice I hid in my room until that evening when my father got home from his business trip. He came to my door and told me we needed to talk. My younger sisters were banished to their room as me, my mom, and my dad - who had been told by my mom - sat in the living room to discuss the fact that I was gay. 

Shortly after starting the conversation/argument a boy (Derek) who was like my older brother came over. He wasn’t biologically related to us but he had a key to the house, would often come over, referred to us as his siblings/parents, and was referred to by us as our brother/son. Me and him were very close and despite my parents wanting to send him to the other room I insisted he stay as things had already begun to get heated between me and my father. 

Derek helped keep the tension down but there was still plenty of yelling. He acted as an impartial mediator for most of it. My dad yelled a lot, my mother cried, I both yelled and cried. It was a rough night. It ended with me storming back to my room. A while later Derek came to my room and talked with me. He explained that he didn’t understand or know if he agreed with it but he’d make the effort and be there for me. I thanked him.

My house after that was tense to say the least. My parents avoid the subject at all costs. My sisters knew thanks to the yelling that night but didn’t comment on it. The next time my mom brought it up was to tell me that I couldn’t tell my cousin about it because she would spread it to the rest of my dad’s side of the family. She also said I couldn’t tell her mother, my grandmother, because she had a heart condition and it could kill her. Sometimes I still wonder how my grandmother would have reacted had I told her before she died. She once told me she had a friend who was gay and that she cared about him deeply. I think she would have accepted me. 

The first time my siblings brought it up was when me and my two younger sisters were left in the car while my mom ran into the store. We were listening to music and chatting when my sister asked “so how long did you know you were bi” I was surprised because up until then I hadn’t realized my sisters knew I was bisexual. I explained it to them briefly and asked what they thought of it. They both said they agreed that people should be able to love who they want to love. Though my sister Greta thought it was kinda gross because she didn’t get how two of the same gender could have sex. Still it didn’t change anything for them and they apologized for how our parents had been handling it. I was so thankful for their support. 

By the end of my senior year I was out and proud to all of my peers. I came out to my friend Hannah and Derek's girlfriend Mary at the same time as a casual drop in a conversation. Neither reacted at the time but asked me about it later. Mary more directly wanting to understand as both her and Derek are very religious. While Hannah was more of making a comment about me eyeing a girl that I had a crush on and being obvious. I can’t remember when I came out to my older brother James who lives in a different city. However, he never really questioned it beyond being tense when I brought it up around our parents. I was becoming bold in my identity. I had even written a love poem about about girl (Polly) for an english class assignment to stick it too a homophobic teacher. 

I ended up breaking up with Reese pretty early on my senior year as I realized what I felt for Polly. To this day I still consider my feelings for her the first time I fell in love with someone. I cared about Reese deeply and still do but only ever as a friend. Since we were in middle school people had been pushing us together and while we fit together on paper and from the outside. My feelings inside didn’t match and I didn’t want to lead him on. Polly was the one I truly wanted to be with but the same couldn’t be said for her. She had met a boy in her senior year and they were starting to talk. She really liked him and I was her main confidant for her feelings. I took them and I encouraged her to pursue a relationship with the boy because I knew she felt for him more than she did for me. She loved me but only as a friend. As her and her boyfriend got closer I worked to let go of my feelings for her gradually. 

Meanwhile my parents were like a looming dark cloud and it felt like I was stuck in a cage of some sort anytime I left the shelter of my friends. This only got worse when I graduated that spring and summer rolled around. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible but I didn’t drive and this made things difficult. The relationship between me and my parents began to get more and more strained to the point I almost ran away one night after my mom punched me. 

I began to view leaving for college that fall to be the holy land. My montra became that if I could only survive the summer I could make it. Me and my friend Hannah were going to the same college and going to be roommates. I was going to get to study what I loved and be who I was. I went into survival mode. Then the biggest mental strain hit. 

Every year since I was nine years old I went to church camp for a week in the summer. I had been going longer than I was supposed to because my mom was a leader of the camp and my whole family got to go even Derek and Mary. Normally Hannah would come as well but she had something else come up that year and couldn’t. I knew the place very well and absolutely loved it. It was a time of year I looked forward to and couldn’t wait to go back too especially since I was now a worker at the camp instead of just a camper. 

This year was tougher than most. I was given a lecture about not telling anyone that I was bisexual before I left because if they found out I was gay I wouldn’t be allowed to come back to camp. I was horrified at the idea and tried my best not to think about it. Even when I got a crush on my fellow female camp worker. It was a stressful week and it all culminated one night. 

I can’t tell you whether I believed what I felt in that moment. It all felt like a blur like I was about to shatter under the weight of everything bearing down on me all the lying and fighting. I think part of me wanted to believe that me being gay could be prayed away that night and that I could just stop having to deal with all this pressure. So that’s what happened. I told one of my leaders and they asked me a bunch of questions like had I kissed a girl or had sex and then they prayed for me.  

Afterward I told my mom and she literally cried about it hugging me and thanking God that I was healed. I felt sick and I threw up before I went to sleep that night. 

I went to college that summer as a straight girl and I held on to that label for most of my first semester. I loved college. Me and my roommate/best friend Hannah met three great friends that first semester, Sylas, Kurt, and Randall. Sylas was busy a lot so we mostly hung out with Kurt and Randall. All of us played D&D together and had movie nights. Me and Hannah also found a christian group on campus and got settled there. 

I thought I was happy with my life however I still felt sick and disjointed anytime the concept of homosexuality got brought up. It was a hard time and I prayed about it alot. I talked to some of my church friends about how I had turned back to straight. Until one day a video ended up in my recommendations and it was a ted talk. I clicked on it not realizing what it was and found that it was a gay christan woman talking about how these two factors don’t have to be mutually exclusive in life. I was riveted, I watched the entire video twice and felt my heart be convicted. God never wanted me to be straight; he never wanted me to change who I was. I loved me how I was. It was the people who had the problem. 

The minute Hannah got back to the dorm I came back out to her. Her exact words were “ah so you finally figured that out”. I was so grateful to have her in my life and we talked for hours after that. Not long after I started coming out to people again and in turn Randall came out to us about how he was bisexual as well. I finally felt free again. Going back home that winter was tough, however, it was made better by the support of my friends with regular skype calls and group chat messages. Not to mention since my parents thought I was straight they weren’t pressuring me anymore. 

When I went back to school things were still going great and I ended up meeting a girl named Eve in my EMT class. We immediately hit it off and started talking. It wasn’t long before I formed a huge crush on her but she was getting over a break up and I didn’t want to push. Still we became extremely close. Eventually, she did start dating a guy me and Hannah knew from a gamers club on campus. I had missed my shot. Then I went home for spring break and had to stay due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It was hard being away from my friends and stuck in my parents house. Still we all had regular skype D&D sessions and texted a lot on the groupchat. 

During the months I was stuck at home I got a job working at the local Home Depot. I was excited to work as it was my first real job. My grandmother had owned a family business but I didn’t do much other than stock shelves there. Here I was a cashier and I enjoyed my job a lot even though it could get crazy. Then one day I was at my register and a fellow coworker I was aware worked in the paint department approached my register with a polar pop and asked where her wife was. I was confused and she noticed I was new and said not to worry about it and have a good day. I watched after her and saw her go up and greet my head cashier who was a female and give her the polar pop before heading back to the paint department. I was astounded. 

Not long after I had it confirmed that her and the female head cashier were married. Another cashier came out to me as non-binary and another cashier told me her brother was gay and she’d be the loudest ally ever if anyone tried to mess with me. I felt accepted like nothing else. It was incredible to feel so validated and free to be myself in my workplace. 

Going back to school that fall was difficult due to COVID-19. Me and my friends (Polly as well as she began attending college with us that year) could no longer host D&D at my and Hannah’s dorm like we did before because of the regulations. Thankfully Eve came up with a solution. She was the only one of us who lived off campus in a house she rented. We were welcome there anytime. I still had a massive crush on her and when I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend over the summer I almost asked her out. However, another guy had beaten me to it. We ended up going over to Eve’s house multiple times a week and I would go even when the rest of the group wasn’t before long I was sleeping over at her house regularly. Often when it wasn’t even planned. I was even dubbed the most responsible friend by her grandmother who absolutely loved me. 

Then her boyfriend at the time dumped her. The entire group rallied to comfort and support her. She took it really hard and I stayed over for a weekend to make sure she was alright. My feelings really started to grow as we got more physically intimate with cuddling and laying in bed together still it was all considered platonic. I really wanted to ask her out but didn’t know when it was too soon. Hannah and Polly both encouraged me to ask her out. 

Then another boy showed up in her life. I was greatly concerned and disheartened as their relationship was progressing in her typical pattern. I thought I had missed my chance. However, the boy made a fatal mistake as Eve is demisexual. She doesn’t like moving into physical contact beyond cuddling too quickly if at all and he started to push her to kiss him. She immediately stopped the relationship after he made overt moves that disregarded her clearly made boundaries and he was derogatory toward her. 

About one or two weeks later I was over at her house one evening and we were talking about him and dating and life. I finally took a deep breath and told her there was something I needed to tell her and I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. I confessed to her that I liked her and wanted to date her. I didn’t ask her out specifically though because she has told me in the past she has trouble saying no so I left out the question and simply told her how I felt to do with what she felt was right. 

She was shocked and immediately started smiling saying she liked me too. I was elated. We talked more about how we had been feeling and how we had both been worried about what the other would say and how she had been blind to my pining which apparently her last serious boyfriend had picked up on and was why he dumped her. (He later told her that he saw how we were together and began to see that me and her fit better than him and her and he wanted us to be together.) We started dating that night and I immediately called Hannah and Polly to tell them the news joking that since I couldn’t tell my parents that I wanted to tell them and they jokingly responded by giving Eve a talking to about not hurting me. 

The next couple months were ups and downs but me and Eve had each other to support and our relationship was very steady. One night when I was having a depressive episode because of my school situation (I was failing my virtual classes). I called my brother James to vent to him. While he was comforting me I told him that I had a girlfriend and he was immediately accepting, asking all about her and acting like it was normal until I brought it up specifically her being female. He assured me it didn’t matter and that he still wanted to meet her but wouldn’t tell my parents. 

That winter I had to go home again for break which would be a couple months. Eve gave me her spare PS4 and a headset so we could play games together long distance and we spent our last couple days together as much as we could. Prior to me leaving she surprised me with necklaces for us that were each half of the star wars rebels symbol. Her’s had the phrase “I love you” engraved on it and mine had the phrase “I Know”. 

That winter I missed her even after going back to work and finding that another character that is a part time drag queen got added to the staff. They also pretty much adopted me and my head cashier came out to me as gender-fluid. All of them were proud to hear I had a girlfriend and I was finally able to tell someone not my family all about her. I missed her a ton. So me and Eve came up with a plan. 

After some figuring with my parents she was able to come visit for a couple days between Christmas and New Years as my “good friend”. It was a great time. My three siblings that were there all knew she was my girlfriend, my little sisters having figured it out when the three of us were talking. One of my sister Georgie admitted that she was considering herself to maybe be asexual and my sister Greta (who at one point said being gay was gross) came out to me as also being bisexual. We all are able to support each other. 

Eve’s visit went really well and my parents adored her and she adored my parents. Though it was stressful especially right after she left and my grandmother who was visiting asked -- at the dining room table where me, my grandparents, my parents, and all my siblings were sat-- “did your girlfriend leave?” There was a split second where me and my siblings shared a telepathic moment of panic before remembering that in my grandmother’s vernacular she simply meant my friend that was a girl and I simply answered yes. 

As winter break moved along I began to discuss other options with my parents about my schooling. With my ADHD and my manner of learning, virtual classes were not working for me. I had failed most of my online classes meanwhile being near the top of my classes in my in person classes. It was an obvious disparity the only exception being my math class which was a hybrid class and I will admit was a failure mostly due to my lack of ability to understand math. 

I’d already been considering the idea since my depressive episode calling James who’d been the one to suggest it during the fall semester. But now the conversation was whether or not I would sit out the spring semester. After some discussion and the fact that I didn’t have a job in my college town but did at home and Hannah wouldn’t be coming back to school after graduating early. Meaning I wouldn’t have a roommate. (Polly and me had a fight and are not on speaking terms). The decision was finally made I would not be returning to college in the spring. 

It was a hard decision and I had to tell Eve. I took sometime to figure out what I would say since I knew it was going to be hard. Finally I worked out the words and told her that was going to be gone for longer than planned. I knew long distance would be hard and suggest we try to make plans to stay in closer contact with each other that way it wouldn’t be as bad. I’d told her when we first started dating that communication was the most important thing to me in a relationship. 

A week passed and we didn’t really discuss it as we were both busy with our individual jobs. Then I got a text from her saying she wanted to talk. The next text I received was her breaking up with me. She said she didn’t want to be the only one making the effort to see each other since she had a car and license and I didn’t. She further said she didn’t want me to feel like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship since she was into physical intimacy. She’d decided we should break up and that was that. But she still wanted to be friends because she liked my family. 

I was very placated in my response. It was a complete shock. Both because it was over text and also it had seemingly come from nowhere. She’d never communicated such feelings to me. 

I reassured her that I never felt like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I also told her we could still be friends but that it would take us time to figure out our balance with each other. 

I called texted James when it happened and he asked if I was okay. I responded with I don’t know and he immediately called me. We talked for a while and he comforted me about the situation. The next person I told was Alex. They comforted me as well and we figured out a day where we could hang out, watch movies and eat ice cream as the normal break up fix it. I was grateful for both their support. 

I was hurt by Eve’s actions. I took a risk bringing her to my home with my parents. If they had found anything out about us. I don’t know what would have happened and to call it quits without even trying to work through it or communicate how she was feeling. It felt like I wasn’t worth the effort of her feelings or time and investment. 

I’d made the first draft of this before the break up and the ending had read “I hope one day I will be be to get support from my parents as well but even if I can’t, I hope that I will st least be able to be my true self around them and introduce Eve as my girlfriend” 

That’s changed now. I don’t just hope that I can introduce someone as my girlfriend I hope that whoever I bring home will be accepted by my family for who they are and me for who I am. I’m not straight. I never have been. I might marry a man someday I might marry a woman but whoever I bring home. I will still be bisexual and I will never stop trying to be a voice for those who can’t speak up. Once I’m not under my parents roof. I hope I can live my true life and help those who have been muzzled and closeted for far to long as I have.

[lauriejuspeczyk]

embarrassing q&a about izzy and john,,, @honeybite and @kiryukazumas ayyyy

1. How did they first meet? Izzy gets transferred to Hope County and on her literal first day on the job she gets sucked up into the whole fiasco with the peggies and she ends up stranded in Hope County (with Reina and Aria wooooo). She and John first find out about each other when she helps Nick Rye steal back his plane!!! Nick tells her about what’s goin down and she feels sorry for him, and then he describes John to her and she’s like “wow he sounds like a douchebag. let’s break into his shit.” because Izzy loves being a shit disturber. It turns into a whole big rivalry after that. 2. What did they think of each other at first? What was their first impression of the other? They do a lot of just like, hearing about each other from other people, or arguing over the radio before they actually physically meet. (They physically meet for the first time when Izzy gets kidnapped to be baptized). John’s first impression is she’s just another out of control sinner who needs to be shown the error of her ways blah blah blah pbbtbtbtbpbt. Izzy thinks John is pretentious and very high strung, which supremely clashes with her own personality, but she really likes fucking with him and gets a lot of satisfaction from making him mad lol 3. Were they immediately interested / attracted, or did that come later? Oh they hate each other at first!! They finally actually like MEET meet at the baptism. John knew who Izzy was right away but she didn’t really piece together who he was until she heard his voice. John was physically attracted to Izzy when he saw her and he like,,, wasn’t expecting that, because all she’d done up till then was piss him off lol. It causes a lot of inner turmoil for him because it’s the whole,,, “I shouldn’t feel like that because you’re a filthy sinner so I’m gonna repress the fuck out of this. im sure nothing bad will come of that. bottling ur feelings is good and works”. He tries drowning her right away at the baptism and Joseph has to come and be like “chill.” Izzy doesn’t really think anything of John after she first meets him, it takes a lot longer for her to be interested in him like that than vice versa, but getting almost drowned is really a big wake up call for her in that the guy she’s fucking with probably has a lot more personal issues than she realized lol 4. Why did they fall for each other? lMFAO UHHHFHFHH its so complicated, fuck. John’s feelings are at the start just a big crush at first. He just thinks she’s very pretty and she pisses him off constantly but he subconsciously likes the attention she gives him. John wouldn’t realize he’s in love with Izzy until a while after their rivalry starts weirdly turning into a strange friendship. I’m writing a stupid fic that may or may not actually ever be finished so I’ll just recap events here: There’s a moment when John is really angry (For reasons...u’ll see... or will u... who knows...) and Izzy calms him down by like,,, grabbing him and making him lie down with his head in her lap and she just kinda like shushes him, and he just lies there looking up at her and he’s like,,, never really been touched like that his whole life. Like never when he was growing up and then certainly never now, especially in response to his anger, so he just kind of I think,,, realizes it in that moment. but also he has a LOT of conflicting feelings about it because he also realizes he can NEVER change Izzy in a way that lets them be together (ie make her join edens gate, nevuuuurrr gonna happen). For John it’s a combination of she’s brave and kind and patient and all her fucking around aside, she’s genuinely a good person, and she relates to his pain and they have funny conversations and she makes him feel good and loved, just like NORMAL ASS REASONS TO FALL IN LOVE? but again, he can’t acknowledge that he genuinely loves her, because she’s a sinner and working against Eden’s Gate, so instead he processes it as this weird crazy religious thing where he thinks she’s a bigger deal than she actually is, like she’s somehow really important and God sent her just for him or something lmao... basically realizing he was in love with her really fucked him up a lot more. For Izzy it’s EVEN MORE COMPLICATTTEDDDD... She probably has feelings for John by the same time he does for her, but she represses it a lot harder and better than he does. For her it’s this thing of she also has genuine reasons to love him but she struggles a lot with how broken as a person he is. She thinks she sees a genuinely good side to him that she’s in love with but she can’t figure out how to make the like,,, crazy part of him,,, stop lmao, and she also struggles with the idea that it’s not her responsibility to BASICALLY FIX HIM so she just represses instead. She also struggles a lot with how he’d probably want her to join Eden’s Gate and how she knows she can probably never convince him to leave so she doesn’t even try to have that conversation. She handles all the repressing like A TON BETTER than John does lmfao she’s much more emotionally stable and just like way more level headed than him, but it’s still a big thing that she’s really just not sure what to do about, so she does......Nothing! 5. Who flirted more before they started their relationship and how? Izzy! flirts! all! the time! She mainly does it as a joke because she loves how fuckin mad John gets when she does lmao!!! 6. Who made the first move/confessed first? no confessioooonnnn I don’t think... probably not ever, or at least not until it’s way too late lmao. See #4, they both are basically pre-convinced that it would never work so they never do anything about it. If anyone was to confess it would be John but he’d have to be under a lot of pressure to do so ie: one of them is about to die or something 7. When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances? GOD I DON’T EVEN KNOW HONESTLY I HAVEN’T THOUGHT THIS FAR AHEAD JKJKFKJAFJK. I can honestly imagine Izzy doing something stupid as fuck like asking John to kiss her because she thinks it’ll just make him freak out or get mad, and John actually doing it and then Izzy being like UHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO GO.  8.  Which one is more easily made jealous? John 100% but he pretends he doesn’t get jealous :-) but he is toxic as fuck and getting jealous puts him in a MOOD 9. What do they fight about? Who’s the first to apologize? THEY FIGHT LITERALLY ALL THE TIME IT’S ALL THEY KNOW BAYBEE!!!!! JOHN JUST GETS MAD AT HER AND THEN IZZY LAUGHS ABOUT IT THATS THEM THAT’S THE WHOLE DYNAMIC!!!! 10. Did they have a first date? Where did they go? lmfAO I mean they have a lot of little hang outs together at John’s cabin that despite their intentions can sometimes get TENSE... but   again...you’d have to beat them with a stick to get either of them to acknowledge the romantic undertones to anything that happens between them 11. What do their friends and family think? Do they approve of the relationship? NOBODY KNOWWWWS LMAO. Izzy goes out of her waaay to lie about it; she tells Jerome for example that she’s just spying. Some people think its like glaringly obvious though (ie Adelaide being like “hey so John Seed is like...crazy in love with you huh” and Izzy being like “WHAT?????? NO???????”) The only people who know she’s friends with John are Reina and Aria, but even them she lies to about how deep it got. She’s esp cautious with Reina because Reina hates John and honestly she thinks that’s hilarious. In general depending on the person she actually feels kind of ashamed because it feels like she’s betraying hope county on some level? so she just kind of is constantly juggling various lies depending on the person lol 12. Do they like to cuddle/hold hands? Do they prefer to do it privately rather than in public? honestly I can imagine them ending up holding hands or something and just like NOT looking at each other at all when they do, and then stopping and never acknowledging that it happened ever again lmao 13. How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time (If they do)? Under what circumstances does it happen? ajsfkjsajkfjkakjfjskkjakasfasjf I DON’T KNOW!! I haven’t thought this far but it would probably happen at his cabin when they are alone and they’d probably just like somehow end up just making out somehow lol and Izzy would constantly break it off for a second to be like “we should stop” and then keep going lmfaofjsafkksaj it would be just like way 2 messy and way too much touching and kissing cuz they’re both way too much bottled up, and it would most definitely only happen ONCE and then John would be even more obsessed with her afterwards and Izzy would be like “wow I fucked up lol” 14. Who tops? physically John; emotionally Izzy, does this make sense, who knos......... 15. Do they get married? Who proposes & how? that’s a no from me dog 16. Do they have children? How many? What are their names? again no, but I feel like if you brought up the stupid ass cliche idea of getting married and having some kids and having a little suburban house John would start frothing at the mouth and then izzy would wake up in a cold sweat somewhere

[teachersofeducationhu-blog]

**Social media- **what is and what it does

I have since a very long time been monitoring the use of social media.

To be honest growing up i was quite hesitant to be on social media as i thought it would drown my brain.

But today we're here with you to discuss the good and the bad of social media that are used in todays adolescents.

First of we need to  know what social media is:

Social media refers to websites and applications that are designed to allow people to share content quickly, efficiently, and in real-time.

Social media is also seen as a platform for many groups and ethnicities.

For many it is seen as  as a show case of talents, entertainment,personalities, characteristics, and especially their voices.

Next we need to know the platforms they used:

the youths that we've primarily come across upon use the social media outlets:

Instagram

Snapchat

Twitter

Facebook

Whatsapp

Tik Tok

Youtube

Tumblr

To begin with comprehending our youth we need to understand what they use their outlets for.

You can see many of todays youths on social media. Some using it as their personal platform others using it to conceive trends, observing nearly worshipping their idols, forms of communication, its also a look into the daily lives  of each other.

For instance: celebrity crush and idols

they are the people kids look up to and use as their role models or envision themselves in that role one day whether be reality or a dream.

It gives them something to reach out to, sort of like a goal

As for media entertainment

we all know the use of memes and the use of it for our personal comic relief.

We all spend countless hours looking at memes and youtube videos but what if we could use this entertainment to stimulate and help evolve the adolescent brain development.

In the form of generating their own memes or social vids that are informative.

Gaming and YouTube has vastly taken over the social platform stage.

They are also some of the more novice lucrative ways of making money on a social platform.

Take for instance that recently there was a video game tournament for fortnite where a young teen won over a million dollars by becoming its first tournament winner.

And what better way to broadcast that same tournament but on YouTube.

Where millions of viewers logged in and the broadcaster got paid by the sum of viewers he/ she had.

Psychoanalysis was founded by Sigmund Freud (1856-1939).  Freud believed that people could be cured by making conscious their unconscious thoughts and motivations, thus gaining insight.

The aim of psychoanalysis therapy is to release repressed emotions and experiences, i.e., make the unconscious conscious. It is only having a cathartic (i.e., healing) experience can the person be helped and "cured."

Click here for a video on the theory of psycho analysis

psycho analysis is crucial to understand because if we do then we know our brain develops even in our sleep. And if teens constantly are on social media or social networks and video games it can affect their sleep and the wake up restless, or even worse more dedicated to the social outlets as not to feel left out.

One way we can help beat this is 3 hours before bed time all phones away and give the brain a stimulating activity so that it can function up to speed and breathe and eat knowledge as it is meant to .

Implement family night with boardgames or trivia or a fun activity outsides that can help build your social recognizance.

Giving your body and brain diversity keeps it sharp and uplifting and gives you those extra tools for life.

For instance some of the social idols for todays teens can be what we call social influencers.

A social influencer is someone who uses their social media status to push products on their young audience to buy said product on their social media page for what said influencer is paid for by the brand.

See video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SOFSjlU0fM

on a site called mom junction I found 11 positive and negative influences of teen on social media

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/positive-and-negative-influences-of-media-on-teenagers_00107975/

I will just use 2 of each:

Help Develop Social Skills:

Many teens are socially awkward. Media gives them the chance to groom their social skills. It also gives them the chance to expand their social circle and develop new friendships. Other benefits include social confidence, heightened literacy in the media, and more social support. Social media diversifies your teen’s social skills, which in turn helps him navigate successfully through modern society

Inspire Them:

When your teen watches an action flick, don’t just despair about the violence. With a little guidance, they can use the movie as inspiration! Maybe your teen will decide to take up martial arts training, all thanks to a Bruce Lee movie! Teenagers look up to celebrities, and when a celebrity tells them to stay off drugs, they just might listen.

Negative theories

Risky Sexual Behavior:

Teenagers are just discovering their sexuality. It is very normal for them to be interested in everything sexual. But the amount of sex in media today can make a teenager confused. Sex without responsibility – that seems to be the message being beamed at teenagers. This can lead to irresponsible sexual behavior and unwanted pregnancies.

[ Read:Teenage Social Media Addiction]

Making Everything Commercial:

Happiness comes at a price. At least that’s the message teenagers get through media. Their life would be perfect if only you’d buy them that hot new game, that happening dress. Advertisers target teenagers to ramp up their revenues. But teenagers fall prey to the idea of commercialization of happiness.

According to Erickson’s Developmental theory, an individual faces a developmental crisis at each stage ( a conflict between a positive alternative and a potentially unhealthy alternative). “…The emphasis on ones own identity at a point in time when the way forward was no longer determined by ones parents or by society…resulting in a crisis of identity”. (westenberg 2008:2)​

​

Now that we have that tackled, let us discuss some of the good of social media:

Ive mentioned previously above that social media is a platform:

for instance the parkland shooting in the united states where a group of students took to social media to voice their opinions after surviving yet another tragic massacre and became activist in their own rights to fight against NRA and force a national debate.

https://www.vox.com/2018/2/26/17054408/parkland-shooting-activist-teens-gun-control

if we were to apply Urie Bronfebenner's theory  of Ecological Theory of Human Development.

Urie Bronfenbrenner (April 29, 1917 – September 25, 2005) was a Russian-born American psychologist who is most known for his ecological systems theory.[1] His work with the United States government helped in the formation of the Head start program in 1965.[2] Bronfenbrenner's ability research was key in changing the perspective of developmental psychology by calling attention to the large number of environmental and societal influences on child development.

Or young high school or college students  or athletes using their popularity on  social media to spread the knowledge of  social injustice

As you can see young adults have used social media to help lead them along the way to do great things these are the most beautiful forms of social media.

Then of course there is the ugly.

Social media is also an open platform, for some  it can allow you to be subsequent to

for instance research has shown that spending to much time on social media can lead lead to depression .

As noted by such research sites such as ivesciences

https://www.livescience.com/51294-cyberbullying-social-media-teen-depression.html

Don't get me with twisted everything in this life there are the good and the bad.

Take for instance social media have given us the means to reach millions if not billions of people across the globe to relay our message but it can also allow you to portray just a an image of yourself but factual and superficial.

CYBERBULLYING

Do you know the dangers of cyber bullying?

Cyber bullying has taken on one of the worst form of emotional en mental damage to it's victims.

There have been an extreme amount of cyber bullying that  has led to the victims committing suicide.

I don't know about you but no child should have o go through so much that they rather take their own lives because of such cowardly behavior from another that hides behind a  sometimes fake profile.

Here is an article from lie science backing thees findings:

https://www.livescience.com/51294-cyberbullying-social-media-teen-depression.html

For instance in adolescents cat fishing has been major issue.

For those who don't know catfish(ing ) is pretending to be someone your not on he internet/ social media .

The most cat-fishers claim to show interest in you and try to either make you fall in love with them or to manipulate you for their own personal cause.

https://socialnewsdaily.com/11296/catfishing-infographic/

Cat-fishing is often employed for romance scams,on dating websites. Cat-fishing may be used for financial gain, to compromise a victim in some way, or simply as a form of trolling or wish fulfillment.Sadly the study found that cat-fishers will use traumatic experiences such as cancer, accidents and death to avoid meeting their victims in real life.

As we look into the psychological make up of cat-fishing its almost always done by one person making of a fake social media platform. It is because it is so easy to mask our through selves behind the windows of social media. Another bad reference is that it is now easier for bullies and psychopaths to reach our youth online through social media.

Other platforms with social media use

Lets take a look into the platform that our adolescents role into.

For instance youtube, youtube was seen for many years as just a media outlet where we could watch short documentaries and comedy stints and especially watch music videos.

Nowadays youtube has a huge role into social media and social development of todays youth.

Yes i know the argument would come as wow really (sarcastically) and others would say thats always been the way it has been ( true) but never like before.

Just a few insight as to what goes on you tube you can see stuff like live video gaming  where you can talk to and relate your skills.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft54bgeMBlg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc-vvpFft2c

https://video.fosterwebmarketing.com/fosterwebmarketing.com/httpdocs/evm/1080_fosterwebmarketing_017_gina_youtube_h264_640x360.mp4

Also where the can communicate with anime pages, show their life with life vlogs and star in their own reality clips, put on their own personal showcases with live interaction.

The've built up a platform where they can showcase their many talents.

For instance Justin Bieber himself was discovered on youtube and signed a record deal as a teenager.

But social media can also lead to the a substantial difference to the development of the adolescent brain, if you click on the lick here under you can see a couple of test run on teenagers who are on social media and how their brains develop.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QWoP6jJG3k

**Where do i belong **

We have seen an outstanding amount of  young people all searching to find their peers and to adhere to whatever social group.

Take for instance such support groups that help them deal with their sexuality, ideology and identity

LBGTQ

Feminism

race

beliefs & religion

sex & sexual experimenting

social experimenting

every teen wants to find his or her social group or spot in society; and social media in its various forms helps to steer them to that source.

We should always pay attention to our students and kids for they are discovering their paths be it good  or bad they will find person or social peers who share their interest.

Piaget (1936) was the first psychologist to make a systematic study of cognitive development.

Sensorimotor stage: birth to 2 years

Preoperational stage: ages 2 to 7

Concrete operational stage: ages 7 to 11

Formal operational stage: ages 12 and up

The Sensorimotor Stage

Major Characteristics and Developmental Changes:

The infant knows the world through their movements and sensations

Children learn about the world through basic actions such as sucking, grasping, looking, and listening

Infants learn that things continue to exist even though they cannot be seen (object permanence)

They are separate beings from the people and objects around them

They realize that their actions can cause things to happen in the world around them

During this earliest stage of cognitive development, infants and toddlers acquire knowledge through sensory experiences and manipulating objects. A child's entire experience at the earliest period of this stage occurs through basic reflexes, senses, and motor responses.T

The Preoperational Stage

Major Characteristics and Developmental Changes:

Children begin to think symbolically and learn to use words and pictures to represent objects.

Children at this stage tend to be egocentric and struggle to see things from the perspective of others.

While they are getting better with language and thinking, they still tend to think about things in very concrete terms.

The foundations of language development may have been laid during the previous stage, but it is the emergence of language that is one of the major hallmarks of the preoperational stage of development

The Concrete Operational Stage

Major Characteristics and Developmental Changes

During this stage, children begin to thinking logically about concrete events

They begin to understand the concept of conservation; that the amount of liquid in a short, wide cup is equal to that in a tall, skinny glass, for example

Their thinking becomes more logical and organized, but still very concrete

Children begin using inductive logic, or reasoning from specific information to a general principle

While children are still very concrete and literal in their thinking at this point in development, they become much more adept at using logic.2 The egocentrism of the previous stage begins to disappear as kids become better at thinking about how other people might view a situation.

The Formal Operational Stage

Major Characteristics and Developmental Changes:

At this stage, the adolescent or young adult begins to think abstractly and reason about hypothetical problems

Abstract thought emerges

Teens begin to think more about moral, philosophical, ethical, social, and political issues that require theoretical and abstract reasoning

Begin to use deductive logic, or reasoning from a general principle to specific information

The final stage of Piaget's theory involves an increase in logic, the ability to use deductive reasoning, and an understanding of abstract ideas.3 At this point, people become capable of seeing multiple potential solutions to problems and think more scientifically about the world around them.

In theory we as teachers should not fear the use of social media but instead learn to harness its powers.

To use it as our umbrella to educate by implementing it into our lessons we can control it for the mos.

For instance the making of a social media  portfolio where they can use social media better in there english class and basically amy skill set you want to embody on todays adolescents.

For some of us with teenage students we can find it off putting but by my observations there are some differential factors in the use of social media and their personal development from said social society.

Some of the factors are :

Culture/ region of upbringing

Race

Morals and values

Religion

and of course age

With all of these factors we should always monitor our children/ students and have them take time for a detox.

We should also try not to hover over them but enlighten them and instead of nag give them a sense of responsibility where then their brain can develop in multiple ways. Think of it as exercise for the brain.

**Live Long and Prosper  & Remember to Elevate and Educate **

[dayna-scully]

ncis/tiva s7 lb

season 3  |  season 4   |  season 5  |  season 6   |  season 8   |  season 9  |  season 10  |  etc

Truth or Consequences

I’ve never really been able to tell whether or not tony was acting in this bit

small muscles, big brain

coffee aficionado and functional mute

it never fails to astound me how much effort media has put into demonizing muslims

I was gonna say it was love driving tony, but I suppose that factors into vengeance

Tony’s full of bs

tony was not dealing well with not having ziva there

we have to deal with the writers pining over Kate for like 11 years but ducky’s over ziva being around after like 2 months? What is wrong with y’all

ziva’s not replaceable

tony, not keeping himself together as well as he used to

even after jeanne he was not so messy

what kind of failure/the kind with casualties

lotta sand

it’s not normal that we haven’t heard from ziva

I swear to god they use my name the most for tertiary characters, there were at least three just last season

I don’t know why they had to make Tony’s trauma fugue funny

neither of them were expecting that

it had to be you

you should not have come

you thought I was dead? then why are you here?

couldn’t live without you, I guess

he couldn’t leave her alone

she is very melodramatic

but so is tony

isn���t that the same “village” tony went to with Nikki

they’re not aliens, tony

stay alive long enough to not get dead 🤔

her own biological father doesn’t love her enough to save her

yeah gibbo!

I don’t understand how he could have possibly got there so fast but ok

I hate group claps

hella cringey

7x02

she’ll call when she’s ready

she looks so much better

bb girl

an angel

sleazeball

why would you egg a church?

why would you tell someone to their face that they’re “damaged goods” what the fuck

long, silent, meaningful eye contact

and mcgee chattering in the background

spots are still to tender for normal verbal barbs

I will be right here

what is wrong with Abby

he did kill Michael partially because he was jealous

mostly to protect her but

SHE IS ASHAMED OF HERSELF WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

no normal person ever calls tony sir

so why are you avoiding tony

it had to be said in the men’s room

and double parked/yes, I noticed

I could not afford to trust you

cue ugly crying

I wonder why he could not look her in the eye

the neck grab is so intimate, and definitely echoes her face touch

waiting in dad’s basement

HE’S HER DAD

ziva’s here

7x03

that is total salami/baloney

ew dinozzo

oh bb ziva

7x04

it looks like a damn teen wolf convention

ziva hasn’t been ziva since we brought her home

everyone just keeps dumping on her

gibbs isn’t acting like he’s on team ziva

at any cost

he’s her dad

I did not mean to live through it

he’s her dad i’m cry

bb probiee

7x05

agent David

personal space

uhhh let me check, ziva?/no

digital images don’t work that way!!!

that’s so high school flirting

I say it with love

prankster probie

7x06

sleepy probiee

who says you have a say

stealing our precious body fluids

wh…what body fluids is ziva stealing from you tony?

ah, shame, my pencil broke

smug lil probie

we have been instructed to sit on the baby

I wanna see ziva with tali 😖

worth is so much hotter with long hair

7x07

normal work partners

that really looks like the diner from bones, and it’s definitely the one they used previously, but I would assume the bones one was on the fox lot? And that cbs wouldn’t have access to it

tony goes on a schpiel about how attractive Kai is and then tells ziva they must be alike

ok tony

you annoy me sometimes/sometimes?/most of the time

why is she nice to you and not to me?

because you’re emotionally repressed and can’t keep your mouth shut dinozzo

hey ziva, what the fuck

does tony have to sit behind ziva to work?

Tony’s jealous of mcgee, he’s jealous of Dunham…he can’t get any and his crush doesn’t seem to like him back

well well well how the turn tables

he cleans up nice/not that nice

he’s not being a big brother ziva

brother-zoned

last thing I need is a chad Dunham

hey ziva what the fuck

why are you looking at Tony’s dick

if you believe in that kind of thing

yeah mcgee a double date

oh mcgoo

7x08

that’s a looong time to be stuck in an elevator

it was either you or the watch

well we could be stuck here with tony

7x09

are you letting some blonde bombshell baste your bird, tony?

you dork!!!

normal

track-tor

I guess?????

I wonder if they styled that girl like flashback!shannon on purpose

ew god why

the favourite gets to ride shotgun

ziva, mean muggin’

aw, happy gibbs is so rare

7x10

yes I’m sure souther California gets a lot of snow

stop making my team fat

with his brother Darrel and his other brother Darrel

including the language of love, ten

those look more like sugar cookies but ok

bullheaded stubbornness

you’re one to talk, z

bah humbog

tearing up cause she’s proud of her boyfriend

7x11

tweeeeeting

perhaps baby bird is ready to leave the nest

jet packs…yeah, it’s gonna be a weird one

we spend a lot of time here, just the three of us

smug!!!

we always get the shots of ziva checkin these dudes out

you’re quoting better off dead, I told you to watch that

McGee is such a dork

fucking adorable

is that, like…necessary

a Thief

oof gibbo be nice

she acts like she hates me, but she talks like she likes me

gibbs has a crush

I don’t speak Canadian

hmm

why can’t shows just shoot pictures instead of photoshopping them badly

7x12

mind your own business/ooh, grouchy

ziva is ziva, nothing to tell

that is too disgusting to translate

why in the world did they ever hire senior

Tony’s REAL dad meeting his bio dad

ugh I hate him

poor tony

you may have to hire someone to protect him from me

gibbs has several children, one of whom is your son

Jetlag

ahhhhh!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Paris!!!!!!

I slept well last night, why, didn’t you? You certainly looked…comfy enough

oh???? Really????

that is not an innocent face

cute cute cute

we had enough “together”

you askin me on a date, duck?

I think Paris changed her

act natural!!!!!

you’re complementary

are you sure you two never?/no. positive. definitely no.

a good fit

she’s so soft about tony though

even if she is lying about where she slept 👀👀👀

caveman grunts

she adores him

why did you just lie to mcgee?/why’d you lie to Nora?

she’s trying so hard not to blush

his favourite picture

7x14

ugh that’s cringey

well we know his “little dinozzo-makers” survived…

the kids giggling about dad and his crush

TOTALLY NOT EAVESDROPPING

totally innocent

I am going to go…get a haircut

I think technically we own the building

come on ziva

(soft!!!!!)

what salim did was bad enough

I don’t really remember a lot of these episodes

the big tiva ones, yes, but the other ones not really

I guess we just have better nerds than you do

7x15

aww worth bb

I wish they could’ve gotten him to replace dinozzo

“get ziva and dinozzo out of bed”

“individual beds”

EVEN MCGEE THINKS THEYRE SLEEPING TOGETHER

boyfriends

how does ziva know where he sleeps

worth is very werewolf-y

no I was wrong they’re not boyfriends they’re husbands

ziva’s got sex face

Jean jacket ziva 💕💕💕

cutie

don’t be a dick tony

I only have one nose and it’s on my face

jealous tony

yeah whatever, you already slept with my wife

F U!!!!

Tobias dukes-in’ it

i wasnt askin ya!

it’s fun to make tony jealous

7x16

book suppository

our girls

7x17

keep your story straight but not so straight that it’s exactly the same

7x18

I’m glad I wasn’t your valentine/so am I

Casey!!!

but it is the coast guard

she loooves him

you mean he’s deceased, too?

he used to sing with the monkees/real monkeys?

I envy your brain sometimes

ducky’s bow ties are back

movie date!!!

What are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work

you are my friend

really/no

both of your “dates” “cancelled” so you…decided to have a date together?

what was she thinking of saying??

she loooves him

7x19

are you two dating now?

a seven year bitch

that was a very bad fake slap

why couldn’t they have had ziva there

ziva is barely in this one

she loves him

things were hanging out? that is disgusting

7x20

once and future king of dorkland

Sand mites might bite

ziva is very proud of her dad

we have hit a shamu

I may have to hurt you

7x21

what would this woman possibly see in you

take ziva with you

ziva’s not used to being the jealous one anymore

tony is being a creepy stalker

Rivera turns out to be a villain, I think

ziva is concerned about tony

I forgot that Obama was president when this would have aired

tony sitting separately says a lot

he would usually be the one beside ziva

tony, being unwarrantedly intimate with a stranger

a quiet bookstore owner as a Russian spy is actually really interesting

7x22

Jamie!

toe cheese

realizing tony and ziva lied about Paris 👀👀👀

oh gibbs

7x23

cowboy gibbs

what are you, anti flan?

ooooh gibbo

oh gibbs

7x24

fathers and daughters

they’re his children, not his coworkers

staring at dad

personal space

ziva bb

looking for her dad and her boyfriend

[brittovenator]

Rewire

I’ve told this story over 100 times, but never like this. In an effort to regain who I am, I’m going to attempt to explain what actually happened to me, because I lost everything, in every sense of that word. The very being of who I believed I was, shattered. I tried to keep going like everything was going to be okay and that I was strong, but that was a lie and I lied to myself everyday for over a year. I became a shell of who I used to be. I didn’t know how to interact with other people when I used to crush it in the hospitality industry. I made mistakes because I never dealt with my trauma, and there is a guilt inside of me that causes literal pain.

This feeling of guilt, the lack of knowing who I am, destroyed so much around me. I had to get a restraining order from my ex who was coping with drugs. I almost lost my job, I became distant to every person I had ever come into contact with. I cut out everyone. My anxiety was so intense that I would scream and scream and scream at the top of my lungs to try and force it away. I was having panic attacks five times a day. I was only leaving my house to go to work, and then I couldn’t even do that anymore. I told my best friend that I was done.

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. The pain in my chest crippled me. I lost around 20 pounds because food made me nauseous. I stopped playing music, I stopped singing, I stopped everything. I had this feeling that I was getting smaller and smaller in a room that would keep growing. I hoped that maybe if I stopped caring about everything that it would go away. I wanted to be left alone and I sat inside my house wearing the same clothes for two weeks before I was forced outside to get different help.

I cried mostly because I missed the girl that I used to be, and I worry that I will never be that person again. I feel like I have been completely un-wired, but the plugs don’t fit into the same sockets anymore. I used to consider this my biggest failure, but now I’m trying to see it as an upgrade, like when you buy a new phone and it comes with a new charging port.

I’ve repressed this memory for so long now, but in order to start feeling better I think that it’s probably time that I spoke out about it. Maybe I can reach someone whose been at their darkest point like I was, and that maybe this could help. I’ll never turn my back on anyone who is in my Route 91 family, especially if you need help just like I did.

I heard the first round of shots. If you were looking towards the stage, I was standing on that right side, the side closest to the Mandalay Bay. I looked over to my right and saw some sort of commotion and heard some loud popping noises, but I thought some kid had thrown down those 4th of July firecrackers and because Jason Aldean looked in that direction and kept singing I thought nothing of it. But then it happened again, I saw someone ripping Jason from the stage. Everyone is screaming, I was laying flat on my back on the ground as close to that center fence as I could, people were laying on me, I was laying on others. I grabbed this girls hand and we were holding each other, I remembered telling this complete stranger that we were going to be okay. Right before they cut the lights off the stage, I saw my friend Luke in his red, white, and blue vest hop the fence and pull his now wife Alyssa over with him when there was a lull in firing. My husband and I decided to follow. But we lost them when we ducked by the side of the stage while another burst rang out. When we finally ran again we ended up hiding underneath a big rigs wheels. We had no idea where the shots were coming from so we didn’t know where we were the most protected. I remember that he yelled at me for being too exposed but it was too chaotic to know where the best cover was. Someone opened the door to the truck open and we all climbed inside. I layed down again and sent out a tweet. Someone was smart enough to rip the loading dock off of the truck and put it up against the fence and that was how we were able to get out of the venue.

I started running, and realized that my husband didn’t over the fence right away. He had stayed to help others, which was admirable but unfair because he left me all alone. I finally heard him call for me, and we just ran and ran. We weren’t sure where to go and all the over passes towards the MGM were shut down, we couldn’t even get back to our hotel room. We were sitting on the walk over that leads into the MGM grand, and I called my mom. I told her “don’t turn on the news, but I’m okay, I love you.” She lives in NY so I knew she was half asleep, she asked my what happened, and I don’t remember if I told her, I just told her to go back to bed. I hung up and someone immediately shouted that there was another shooter and the screaming began again, we all started running into the MGM, the casino was completely empty and the emergency alarms were blaring, there were security guards guiding us through the casino floor towards a conference room, but we didn’t want to be caged in and instead of going with the others, we ran to the hard rock cafe, I remember that we got into the last cab because the radio controller came on and asked all cabs without passengers to return to the stations and stop taking passengers. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten into that last cab. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten a hold of Luke and Alyssa (who had ran to the airport). My phone battery was also at 5%, I was in a total panic for so many different reasons. In fact I hadn’t heard from Jenna or Allie since they left the concert (early thankfully, because Allie was in a wheelchair and Devyn wasn’t feeling well) So when I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize I just started asking if it was Allie and If they were okay, it turns out it was my boss, I’m sure that freaked her out.

When we finally got back to Alyssa’s place it was about four am. People assume that because he only was shooting for ten minutes, that it only lasted for ten minutes, or because they found him dead in his room an hour and twenty minutes later means that that’s when it ended. It took us almost six hours to get to safety, to finally be able to turn on the television and find out what just happened.

And the four of us just sat in disbelief, until we all forced ourselves to turn it off and go to sleep. I know none of us slept.

The next morning we headed back to our hotel. Everything was silent, no one was speaking. You could tell who hadn’t showered yet, there was dirt everywhere, even on the casino floors. I don’t even remember hearing slot machines running or anything, even if they were. We were supposed to check out that day but they extended us so that we could get our things and recoup. We had been able to get a hold of one person who knew a lot of our mutual friends, and he made a post on our behalf to let them know we were fine, but our phones were dead, so I hoped no one was worried about us more than they needed to be, but was really terrified to actually plug my phone in and turn it on.

Mandalay Bay has always been my favorite hotel in Vegas, we didn’t live a very luxurious life, but we hustled and always tried to make sure that we went to Vegas once a year since I turned 21. I love the sushi restaurant that is there, and I was really bummed to think that there was no way I would ever be able to go into there again, so instead of waiting to do it, we just did. I thought by doing that it would be a healing process and would help me deal with what just happened. I think in a sense it did, I still think I would be okay staying in that hotel.  

After we returned home, I had important decisions to make. I was leaving for California in five days, a commitment that I made and felt like I couldn’t back out on. Over the course of a week, I ran for my life, said goodbye to all the people that I met at that concert, came home and said goodbye to all the people I loved and cared about in Colorado, packed up only what was important to me, drove to Arizona to see my friends there, moved into my new apartment in California, and then spent the next month alone or obsessing over my job. I acted every day like I was fine.

Realistically I should have stayed in Colorado, I didn’t have a strong support group when I came out here, I didn’t know my place. Over a year later, and I still don’t. I struggle with that professionally and personally. I know a lot of people were watching me deteriorate, but I just didn’t care.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life moving forward, most days I feel like I should quit my job and move on because it would be better for everyone else if I just wasn’t around anymore. I don’t feel as I can turn to the only people I know here. I feel guilty and shameful and alone. It’s hard to suppress those feelings when what is real to everyone else is blurred for me. I feel like I’m going through the motions and not actually doing anything productive because I’m so afraid of screwing up. The worst part about feeling this way is that I truly love my job. I looked forward to coming in even when I was in Colorado. I felt supported and like I belonged with the company. I lost that when I lost myself.

I’m afraid of being a failure, which is ironic because I’ve been failing myself for living a lie since Vegas. All I can hope for is that my reality becomes normal again, instead of it blurring between a place where fear lurks in every direction, and one where I can join a beach volleyball league and not panic around strangers and get weird looks from those who don’t understand. A reality that everyone else understands. To live a normal life. Make friends on my own without relying on someone else. I feel crippled, but I don’t want to use crutches anymore.

[defenestrata]

HYEONJIN + ALL GOTTA STAN THE ISFP

realm knows my weak spot !!! hyeonjin is my baby boy, my sun, my stars and i will rant about him forever —

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCs

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

probably years. he’s good at observing his surroundings and also slipping into quiet existential thoughts so you could probably forget him in a store and come back two hours later to him staring blankly at a mannequin. 

How easy is it for your character to laugh?

maybe a 7 on the scale of 1 to 10. he’s trained to not be too rambunctious when he laughs, but giggles and chuckles are easy to get out of him.  

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

is there something fundamentally wrong with my ocs if the two that have been asked about both need drugs. i hate. hyeonjin takes an anti-epilepsy drug that he’s addicted to to deal with anxiety attacks. the time of contemplation before sleeping is prime time for intrusive thoughts. so he has to take a dose. 

How easy is it to earn their trust?

easier than a normal person. it comes to a point in his life that anyone who’s even remotely nice to him is considered a friend, and anyone who does him favours is deemed trustworthy. he’s a sensitive kid.

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

hyeonjin is as quick to cut people off as he is to take them in. even the smallest act of betrayal will lead to hyeonjin ignoring you for the rest of your life. he’s hyper guarded and hyper open at the same time, it’s hard to explain. 

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

laws are very flexible in his opinion. the law is usually made by people who are somewhat out of touch with reality. if a law doesn’t help people, or serve any other benevolent purpose, it’s not worth following. 

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

nostalgia isn’t very easy to trigger for him. his childhood was full of love and affection but also without any very clearly unique incidents. it felt like a movie character’s childhood. disneyland, trips to the beach, school days. nothing very standout. meeting his mother alone would be enough to make him remember the old days ( his parents are divorced btw ) but then it becomes a very, very painful feeling.  

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

oh god, what wasn’t he told to stop/start doing. being a child actor for a short while, and then constantly in the public eye because his father is a well-known and politically involved businessman and his best friend is instagram-famous — he always had to be conscious of whether he was slouching, how eloquently he spoke, being careful not to look disinterested and so on. so his childhood was pretty regimented.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

he tries not to, to be polite, but the habit is steadily growing on him. his first swear word was probably said when he was fourteen or something and even then it was probably something pretty inoffensive like 제기랄 ( equivalent of bullshit ). 

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

oh. well, he’s been hiding a drug habit from his father since forever. it makes him feel really, really guilty, but he tries to justify it to himself by saying that the calmness that the drug gives him actually helps him fulfill his father’s expectations better. it’s still a weight on his psyche and he hates himself more for it. 

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

unfortunately, hyeonjin will only seek clarification if the person is close to them. otherwise that kind of admission of ignorance … yikes emoji.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

suffer. 

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

he doesn’t really know anything about fashion, and depends almost entirely on a team of stylists, his housekeeper and his best friend to dress. so he doesn’t really know what he looks best in. outsiders will have you know that he looks best in red. 

What animal do they fear most?

hyeonjin is not a fan of snakes, which begs the question: how did he become one later ?

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

if talking to heather ( a friend :) ), jiwon ( his best friend ) or sungmi ( his housekeeper / older sister figure ), he won’t think at all before talking. otherwise, he’s rehearsing every goddamn syllable in his head like three times.

What makes their stomach turn?

blood. mostly blood. people yelling at him. the thought of the people he loves being unhappy. people relying on him. being some kind of hero. 

Are they easily embarrassed?

yes. thankfully, the people closest to him have learned to veer around his insecurities.

What embarrasses them?

positive reinforcement. praise, compliments, telling him to get out of his head and be happier, anything that makes him feel a little less dead inside makes him all blush emoji and flustered. 

What is their favorite number?

5. it’s a nice, pleasant, round number. 

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

familial love in his opinion is a much more jaded kind of platonic love: “i love you but you exhaust me — and there’s this quiet understanding that we’ll have to come apart.” platonic love is purer, teetering on the edge of irrationality but not there yet, a little restrained, never complete. and romantic love is complete. everything the person does is beautiful, nto categorised into good or bad. they become a part of you. 

Why do they get up in the morning?

he’d rather not. but people love him. and (later on) people need him. 

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

positive emotions manifest with more intensity in hyeonjin and so do negative emotions. it takes a bit to get him jealous but once he is, he can become pretty toxic and petty towards the person encroaching. this is almost entirely about his crush, though. he has nothing else to be jealous about. 

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

envious hyeonjin means a very repressed hyeonjin who will avoid the source of envy to the maximum possible extent and become distant.  

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

noooo. he was raised in a pretty conservative setting. sex and sex appeal makes him flustered to talk about. the most he’ll do is entertain jiwon’s rants about people finding him sexy, and even that with a bit of internal cringing. 

What are their thoughts on marriage?

hyeonjin in a michael scott vc: marriage sounds nice. would love to be loved someday. jskjds but in all serious the idea of marriage is so lovely he’d love to be married but who’d marry him haha

What is their preferred mode of transportation?

limousine. sorry. he’s rich, and it’s comfortable. 

What causes them to feel dread?

oh, loads of things. on especially shitty days, talking to any people. public speaking, being put on the spot, being on camera. anything that requires him to actually be active and do something. depression is a bitch, huh. 

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

depends on the context. if the unpleasant truth was unlikely to be uncovered later, then fine. if someone lives and dies with a lie, it didn’t hurt them, and it was fine. 

Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

never. his ideals are too much for even the finest human being to comprehend. he wants to be the best possible son, friend, leader, actor, motivator, businessman and student. but obviously, it’s never going to happen. and anything less than success is failure. 

Who do they most regret meeting?

no one. whomever he’s met have changed him into a version of himself perhaps more wounded, angry, cold, but it’s been for the better. he’s braver now as well. 

Who are they the most glad to have met?

jiwon. it has to be jiwon. at least 50% of the reason why hyeonjin still stands is because of his best friend, who never fails to make him happy, just because he’s so sanguine, kind, optimistic, and encouraging. everything he himself should be. 

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

no, because all of his stories are either unrelatable ( oh lads do you ever get annoyed when the driver stocks coke in the limo when you asked for sprite ) or depressing ( yah so i killed a man that one time ).

Could they be considered lazy?

i wouldn’t use lazy because hyeonjin has a mental health condition that forces him into passivity. but he does have difficulty putting himself out there. 

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

im-fucking-possible. lmao hyeonjin’s got guilt at the back of his mind every second of every day about something or the other. drinking, taking his pills, lying, not being a good friend. but at the same time he’s just so tired of it that he feels nothing very strongly.

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 

always ! he hates to let people know he’s having a hard time ever so it’s a good distraction to fall into what someone else is talking about and support them all the way. having others be happy around him calms him down to some extent too. 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

hyeonjin loves the idea of love so much. all he wants is a nice relationship, and he’d be a fantastic boyfriend. however, shyness is a thing, and he hasn’t had the courage to approach his crushes. except jiwon; he did have the courage to confess to him, but that had it’s own strings attached.

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

nothing in particular, no ! but as a sidenote hyeonjin has a fairly decent memory. 

What memory do they revisit the most often?

a trip to los angeles when he was thirteen with the chois aka jiwon’s family. jiwon’s elder sister jiyoon took them around disneyland for the whole day, he almost puked on the rollercoaster, saw fireworks — it was a moment of nothing but pure elation. 

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

oh, if they consider someone a good friend ? what are flaws. no flaws. nothing but good things. happiness. the best. 

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

meanwhile, he himself has a million flaws. he picks at his demeanour and behaviour whenever in the public eye because for the longest time, his father did it for him.  he thinks he’s a bit cowardly, not macho male. long story short, he’s pretty sensitive to his own flaws, but if someone points them out he won’t be offended. he’ll just be sad, because it’s true. 

How do they feel about children?

being a naturally sensitive person, he has a strong maternal instinct towards children, especially younger ones. in practical terms, he may not be fantastic at caring for them, because he doesn’t really know how, but the non-judgemental nature of kids brings his walls down. he loves kids. he wants kids. 

How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

so badly. so basically his end goal is for the violent organisation that wants to destroy capitalist society to successfully establish itself in the western world again, after a hiatus of nearly fifty years. and this end has to be met. otherwise, his life, throwing everything away — would’ve had no purpose. 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

beautiful, good, and happy people. just, people with a soothing, carefree aura. male, female, nonbinary, anybody, hyeonjin’ll hook onto you immediately. 

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?

he’s my boy !! when it comes to empathy and sincere kindness, he’s probably the kindest oc i have, at least in this au. also he goes through major char dev to become a lot more harsh, cruel and antagonist-like ( because he is an antagonist, for erich at least ), but he still wants to do the right thing above all. 

B) What inspired you to create them?

ehhhhhh ok so the outside vibe of hyeonjin ( sad rich kid ) was a super old idea i had for the story, but the personality of this kid was totally different. then i transplanted the personality of an older oc into this exterior and boom it’s hyeonjin. 

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

initially, yes, because his story takes place primarily in korea and i had difficulty relating it back to the main action which was supposed to happen in london. but with some tweaks to his backstory ( he studied in the uk ) and lore, i think i’ve made it work. 

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

not too much. the prototype sad rich kid was just a knockoff of artemis fowl, aka much younger and much less of a sweetheart. now hyeonjin’s 20 in the plot.  

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

i think so ! but their tendency of shoving trauma into a closet instead of dealing with it or seeking help could be potential damage to any relationships ( and it is. stay tuned :) )

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

i just feel sorry for him sjdsjdsjf bb you’ve got a long, long way to go — he’s def one of the more unhappy ocs i have.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

a tendency to be a little sanctimonious. i am pure and i am virtuous and i must do the right thing. he’s a bit self-righteous which gets annoying when writing but that’s more because i’m a cynical person. 

H) What trait do you admire most?

he’s a good kid. he’s supportive, understanding, polite, genuinely respectful and isn’t really ever petty or vitriolic. a pure boy. baby boy. 

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

yes, because i’m not creative. 

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

mostly family stuff had to be changed to make his home life a little more poisonous. sort of an odd thing to mention, but initially hyeonjin lived with his mother ( who was the businesswoman parent ) while his father was the deadbeat divorcee. but i wanted to talk about how mothers can sometimes get fucked over in divorces, so i swapped them. 

[aswellingstorm]

eyes wide open

summary: “when you can’t sleep, your soul mate can’t either. so the next time you’re laying awake, know that somewhere, someone else is laying awake too.”

an au where once you turn 17, you can’t get a wink of sleep unless you’re with your soulmate. the system is pretty flawed, so jughead jones is adamant that there’s no way on earth he’s lucky enough to have betty cooper as his soulmate.

read on ao3

Jughead Jones had been in love with Betty Cooper for as long as he could remember. He can’t pinpoint the exact moment that he realized it was love, all he can recall is that for the majority of his emotionally traumatizing, fucked up life there was a bounding light of pink pastels and hair that smelled like strawberries that anchored him--preventing him from ever going off the edge of existence.

He was more than content to stuff his feelings down and never look them quite in the eye. He knew he had to repress whatever it was that he felt, because Betty Cooper would never love him back. She was head over heels for the one and only Archie Andrews. Captain of the football team up and coming vocal artist-Jughead didn’t blame her. He was happy for her, he prayed Archie would give her the time of day and love her the way she deserved to be loved.

Archie never seemed to reciprocate but, Jughead rationed, it was just because he was too dumb to notice. 

Either way, Jughead could live a life of silently being in love with the girl who was in love with his best friend. He figured eventually he’d get over the intoxicating, bubbly blonde once he met his soulmate. he knew he didn’t have a chance with betty, but he still had a glimmer of hope for his future-one where he’d have a soulmate who could love him back.

That was all shot to hell when, after being the last of his friends to turn seventeen, he realized who his soulmate is. Everyone learns at different times, no one quite knowing for sure who their soulmate is until they lay side by side at night for the first time. 

The fateful night he was crashing at Archie’s when the latter invited Betty over for some ‘studying’. It was really a lame excuse for the three of them to hang out together, an idea that Archie ambushed Jughead with last minute. Truthfully, Jughead had been actively avoiding being in the same room as the two of them ever since he realized how deep he was in it for Betty. He couldn’t torture himself by forcing himself to watch Betty fawn all over Archie, but to his closest pals, it just seemed like he was being distant for no plausible reason. 

Everything was going fine until Archie got a message on his phone, a rather secretive one, that caused him to jump up and dart out of the room like a bat out of hell. He muttered something about being back in twenty minutes, but neither Betty nor Jughead quite believed him. Betty watched him go with sad eyes before getting off Archie’s bed and plopping down next to Jughead on his air mattress.

“Satan’s mistress beckons,” Jughead joked, hoping to ease some of the sadness in her eyes. In explicably, he began to feel a bit drowsy.

“Why does he have to lie to us,” Betty huffed, leaning back against the army of pillows Jughead lined up against the wall. “If he’s going to see Veronica, why doesn’t he just say so?”

Jughead wanted to point out that Archie keeps it a secret, or at least tries to, so he won’t break Betty’s heart. But he doesn’t, because he knows it’d only upset her further.

“Archie’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the box.” He was reclining comfortably against the wall of pillows, perhaps too comfortably because he felt if he blinked for too long, he wouldn’t open his eyes for another eight hours.

He swore he could feel his heart stop when Betty leans his head on his shoulder, bodies inches away to the point where they’re borderline cuddling. He urged himself to keep it cool and bring his pulse back to a normal rate when Betty asked, “Do you think they’re soulmates, Jug?”

Jughead knows his odds. He knows his own luck. He knows that Betty and Archie are picture perfect, a classic boy meets girl love story. He knows with every fiber of his being that it’s Betty and Archie who are soulmates. He thought he should comfort her by telling her that, but he can’t bring himself to admit it. Because a part of him still selfishly holds out hope for himself, and if he were to say that Betty and Archie were soulmates out loud, it’d make it all too real.

Instead, he lightened the mood with a joke. “Well, there’s only one way to know for sure,” he looked at her very seriously, “And that’s not the kind of sleeping together that Archie and Veronica are interested in at this given moment-ow!”

She pinched him playfully and they both laughed a bit before she exhaled, “I’m serious Jughead.”

Before he could really stop himself or think better of it, he turned to face her. Their eyes met one another as he said, “I think…I think Archie’s too blind to see what’s right in front of him.”

In the many days to come where he’d rake over every detail of this night, he might deny the way her eyes flickered between his eyes and his lips. He’d swear he was just fooling himself, but Betty shifted a bit closer with her gaze fixed on him.

He couldn’t bear to let this continue, just to have it abruptly end and ultimately crush him. So he awkwardly cleared his throat, “I mean, seriously, remember when he tried to drink Elmer’s glue thinking it was milk?”

Betty giggled, pulling back a bit as she laughed and the moment was gone. “That was in kindergarten, Jug!”

“Pft,” he snorted, “Just the other week he told me he thought artichokes were a type of fish!”

She leaned back on him once again, providing a warmth he didn’t realize he was missing. His thoughts were getting hazier, and wow he didn’t remember feeling this tired before…

They stayed like that for quite some time, swapping stories that primarily poked fun at Archie. It was all in good fun, and while Jughead knew he couldn’t ever be enough for Betty, at least he could put a smile on her face…and was good enough for him.

He didn’t even remember falling asleep. It just happened, the best sleep he had ever gotten. It overcame him like a wave, engulfing him in a sleepy, warm haze. He couldn’t recall what he dreamt about either, too wrapped up in his feelings of pure content.

What he does remember is waking up the next morning with sunlight filtering through the window, illuminating soft lazy specks of dusk. His position had changed, he was laying flat on the air mattress and, wow was there a blanket tucked around him? Betty must’ve done that-

Shit. Betty. He sat up abruptly, or at least tried to, but Betty had tucked the blanket around him with apparent superhuman strength and he flailed a bit awkwardly at first. He blinked, looking around the room with fervor, but only found Archie judging him curiously from the bed.

“Bad dream, Jug?” he asked with a sleepy yawn.

“Where’s Betty?” Jughead’s voice was still thick with sleep.

Fred Andrews walked by the doorway just then, “Morning boys,” he shot Archie a knowing look to which the boy responded by looking at the ground sheepishly. “To answer your question Jug, after I realized Archie snuck out last night, I came up here to find you and Betty passed out on the air mattress.”

Jughead’s eyes widened and he felt his face heat up. “I woke her up and sent her home before I had Alice Cooper at my front door waving a shot gun in my face…but you were conked out pretty hard kid.”

Dumbstruck, all Jughead could say was, “Oh.”

Fred chuckled to himself, “I mean, you must’ve been exhausted Jughead. I’ve never seen anyone passed out like that ‘til they meet their soulmate.”

It was just a joke. One that both Archie and Fred passed by pretty quickly as Archie asked what was for breakfast. Neither of them focused on what was said-both knowing how it was too absurd to be true. Both of them knowing how obvious it was that Betty and Archie were soulmates, not Betty and Jughead. They breezed past the topic quickly, not thinking much of it.

Jughead, however, was a different story. He felt the world stop around him. He’d heard stories of people finding their soulmates or realizing their partner was their soulmate. He knew the tales, the most common question he had as a child was, “How do you know? What makes sleeping next to your soulmate different than…any other sleep?”

The response to his question was always the same. “You just know.”

As Jughead glanced behind his shoulder, looking out Archie’s window and at Betty’s across the way, god dammit he just knew.

Not only was he in love with Betty, but she was his soulmate. A part of him scoffed because, wasn’t it typical? He’d always have the worst luck in the world.

--

It was confirmed when he tried to fall asleep that night and found himself tossing and turning for hours. Insomnia wasn’t something new to him, but soulmate induced insomnia…that was a different story entirely. He was frustrated, mad at himself, mad at the world, mad at fate. He felt lonely too, like he was missing something. Knowing what that something was pissed him off too.

So he did his research, and Jughead Jones was nothing if not thorough. He calculated his odds of having a non-reciprocal soulmate. Google was his new best friend (but if he was being honest, when wasn’t google his best friend?) and he discovered that the whole system of soulmates was…pretty much bullshit.

So many people had soulmates that had other people as soulmates, some people never had soulmates in the first place. Some people never felt soulmate insomnia, so they’d never know who their soulmate was. Some people staved off their whole soulmate insomnia with chamomile tea and melatonin…. the system was pretty flawed. Jughead was nothing if not a pessimist, so he wound up concluding that he was one of those. Someone who’s soulmate didn’t reciprocate. In his mind, he was better off having no soulmate at all.

Couldn’t this one thing just work out for him? It was bad enough he was in love with Betty, but he always relied on the fact that he’d at least get over her and be with his soulmate someday…another dream crushed. If he was lucky, he’d get stuck in some loveless marriage with someone else who was in the same boat as him.

He remained sleepless for a few days, every day dismaying as Betty walked into school as pink and perky as ever before, a telltale sign that she was having a good night’s rest. More confirmation that he couldn’t be her soulmate, if he was then she certainly wouldn’t be so well rested. She hadn’t even mentioned that night, at all. If she was his soulmate, wouldn’t she have felt the same even if Fred woke her up?

He even decided to put it to the test one day. As she strolled into school with the usual pep in her step and ponytail bouncing behind her he baited, “How many cups of coffee did you have today?”

Betty smiled brightly at him, “My mom still won’t let me drink coffee Jug, you know that! I just slept really well, that’s all.”

He nodded slowly, “Of course, Betts, gotta get that REM cycle and all.” She laughed before Archie and Veronica walked over.

He excused himself hurriedly, walking away too quickly. He was a fool for even hoping. Betty probably slept so well because Archie was what, 20 feet away from her in the house next door? He wasn’t sure what the exact radius (if there even was one) for being close next to your soulmate while you slept but maybe Archie being so nearby is what helped her sleep. Or maybe they discovered they were soulmates and crept into each other’s rooms…

Either way, Jughead quadrupled his efforts in avoiding both Betty and Archie. If he was ever going to get over the fact that he couldn’t be to Betty what Betty was to him…he needed to lay low. He just needed to survive the rest of the year graduate, get the hell out of town, go to some college far away from the both of them and maybe if he was lucky, one day they wouldn’t be more than a ghost of a thought in the back of his brain.

So Jughead slowly began to pull himself out of their lives. He sat in the back of the classroom during the classes they shared far away from where they were sitting, ate his lunch in the corner of the library, and never responded to their texts. He kept his headphones on at all times in the hallway and pretended he didn’t hear them when they walked up to talk to him. They got the message within a few days.

And it hurt like hell. Archie was his best friend, after all. And maybe Jughead was being a douchebag, he should be happy for Archie, relieved that his best friend had such an awesome soulmate…but he couldn’t stifle his own feelings of jealousy. He was being selfish, and watching the hurt look in Betty’s eyes whenever he walked past her only wound up breaking his own heart.

It didn’t help that he wasn’t sleeping for more than half an hour every night. His body would more or less collapse from exhaustion, his mind shutting off for just thirty minutes. He missed Betty, missed the way she’d be the only one laughing at his jokes when the gang shared a booth at Pops, how she organized her pens on her desk in color order, the way he eye brows drew together when she was really focused on something…

He spent the hours he couldn’t sleep thinking about her and he hated himself for it, knowing he was only making matters worse for himself. But he just couldn’t get her out of his head. The lack of sleep made him extra irritable. Dark circles, bags, they all made themselves a permanent home under his eyes. He was having trouble paying attention in class too, a few teachers even called him out on it. He was tired all the time and had no energy to do anything outside of dragging himself to and from school.

With a heavy sigh, he walked through the doors of Riverdale High. The lights were disorienting and while he heard his fellow peers chatting in the hallway, all of their voice seemed to blur and mesh together. He felt like was going to be sick.

Everything came into focus and he became suddenly hyper-aware of everything when Betty, the source of all of his current problems, stepped directly in front of him. She blocked his path and looked rather upset with him. In a ballsy move, she reached up and tugged his headphones down to lay on his neck.

“Betty? What are you doing?” He was confused, and after his vision cleared, he felt himself feeling more tired than he had in the past week. He tried to focus on her, but found it increasingly difficult.

“What’s been going on with you Jug?” She tried to look him in the eyes but he looked at the ground. She reached her hand up and gently touched his face, fingertips grazing the soft surface of his skin. “You don’t look like yourself.”

To her surprise he recoiled back from her touch, it was just…too much. “I’m fine Betty, I have to go,” Jughead turned to walk away but Betty narrowed her eyes and grabbed his hand.

She mumbled something under her breath but he didn’t quite catch it. Instead she tugged him down the hallway impatiently, heading towards The Blue and Gold office. He could’ve pulled away or walked in the other direction but he felt the fight leaving his body. This was the closest he’d been to Betty in days and, coincidentally, it was also the best he felt in days.

Once inside the office, she left the lights off and locked the door behind them. She ushered him to sit in one of the rolling chairs and sat on the desk in front of him. The lack of sleep was catching up to him, and he leaned on the desk with his head rest in his hand. It was taking all of his strength to not fall asleep right now.

“I’m not letting you out of here until you tell me what’s wrong,” She crossed her arms and looked down at him, waiting. He could tell she was frustrated.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he lied breezily.

Betty narrowed her eyes at him in disapproval, “Nothing’s wrong? So you’ve just decided to start ignoring Archie and I for no reason then?”

Archie and I he winced, “Yup.”

“I don’t buy it Jughead!” Her voice was animated and louder and definitely shouldn’t be as soothing as it was to him. She was one decibel away from actually yelling at him, but if anything it was bringing him closer to sleep. Pitiful, is what he was. “You don’t talk to us for weeks, you don’t even sit with us at lunch! You avoid me in the halls, you ignore me, refuse to answer my texts and-! Now, look at you! You’re falling asleep as I’m talking to you!” she gestured to him wildly as he felt his eyelids droop down.

“Mmfph…just haven’t been sleeping,” he mumbled.

“You’ve been avoiding us because you can’t sleep?” She questioned doubtfully, “All of the sudden, out of nowhere, you can’t sleep and that’s our fault? I mean that’s…that’s ridiculous.” Her words were blurring together in his mind but he heard some form of realization in her voice. Betty was a smart girl and, with all of the puzzle pieces in front of her, he reckoned it wouldn’t take long for her to figure out. “Jughead, did you…”

Sleepily, he swayed forward and fell asleep before his head even hit her lap.

--

Sometime later, he awoke feeling the same way he did all of those weeks ago at Archie’s house. Warm, content…. complete. He could vaguely recognize fingers laced through his hair and smell warm vanilla, leaving him to linger for just a moment more. He savored the feeling before his brain caught up with him and he opened his eyes.

His head was much much clearer now. The clearest it’d been in weeks. He sat up in his chair abruptly, pulling away from the warmth he so desperately desired. He glanced at the clock on the wall, he’d only been asleep for about an hour and a half but…damn that was three times longer than he was used to.

He could feel Betty looking at him. She was practically staring holes into the side of his face and when he turned to look at her…she just had this look. Like she knew everything. All of the secrets he’d been trying so hard to keep, all the cards he played so close to the vest were exposed and laying open for her to see. She knew she was his soulmate.

Since he was thinking so clearly once again, it didn’t take long for him to remember that he wasn’t her soulmate. Was that sympathy in her eyes? He couldn’t bear to look at it. The last thing he ever wanted was for her to find out that she was his soulmate.

Because he knew Betty-her kindness knew no bounds. She’d taking being his soulmate as a responsibility, she’d try to take care of him and be there for him-she’d put her own life with Archie on hold just to make him feel better. He could foresee Archie getting jealous, a conversation about how Betty was too nice to let Jughead down where she’d refute she feels bad for Jughead because he has a soulmate who could never love him back like that. Her sympathy… being her pity project was the last thing he ever wanted.

Panicked at his secret being exposed, he quickly got up and grabbed his stuff.

She was staring at him with a baffled look on her face, “Jughead…where are you going?”

He shouldn’t have answered her. He should’ve just ignored her as he had been doing for the past while. But he retorted, “Uh, class? It’s the middle of a school day, Betty.”

He started to walk out the door when Betty asked, “Can’t we at least…talk first?”

Another opportunity to walk away that he blatantly refused. But, dammit, the world was unfair and he was angry about it. His anger was just a bit misdirected. “Talk about what Betty?”

Her green eyes looked confused, a little hurt at his tone and her eyebrows were raised as if to say, “the obvious?”

“What?” He snapped, “You want a pat on the back? You want a ‘congratulations!’ for figuring it out?” She looked confused when he continued on to say, “The world, the universe hates Jughead Jones, okay? I get it. I get the message, loud and clear, Betty. So there’s nothing to talk about.”

“I’m sorry, the world hates you?” She questioned, eyeing him suspiciously. “You’re not making any sense.”

He rolled his eyes, frustrated for having to explain, “The world, universe, fate-call it what you want, Betty. I don’t believe in any of it-whatever made you my soulmate is bullshit, okay? So just forget about it!”

With that he darted out of the room, leaving behind one confused and very broken hearted blonde.

--

He retreated into the trailer at Sunnyside, laying face up on the springy, uncomfortable couch. Lazily he tossed a tennis ball up and down trying hard not to think about what just happened.

He was failing miserably, but he figured now Betty wouldn’t want anything to do with him. Which would make avoiding her easier. He scoffed at himself, dumbass.

Bang bang bang. He furrowed his brow at the sound of someone knocking on the trailer door. Bang bang bang. Okay whoever it was, was awfully impatient. Bang bang bang, followed by a muffled open up asshole!

He couldn’t get to the door quick enough, even heard the person on the other side trying the handle. Annoyed, he whipped the door open to see a rather pristine Veronica Lodge waiting for him on the other side. She was wearing her typical hounds tooth attire, looking less than pleased with him.

Veronica was an outlier in the puzzle, just like him. They both didn’t fit into the Betty and Archie equation, and so her persistent presence at Archie’s side was a source of confusion for Jughead. He just supposed Veronica wasn’t as good at picking up on signals as he was.

She invited herself inside, pushing past him aggressively. “What gives asshole?”

He played dumb, “What are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about? Gee, Jughead, that’s a good question,” she bit back sarcastically, tapping a finger to her chin in mock thought, “I’m talking about the fact that my best friend is crying because her soulmate just rejected her.”

Betty’s crying? Jughead felt a consuming wave of guilt wash over him. “I’m not her soulmate Veronica.”

Veronica just snorted out a bitter laugh, “Really Romeo? That’s why you just passed out on her lap in the middle of a school day?”

“I…” He wasn’t expecting Veronica to call him out like that, “Listen, it-it’s complicated.”

“You two are soulmates, not a Facebook status,” She narrowed her eyes at him, “So no, Jones, it’s not complicated.”

He shook his head at her, irritated, “We’re not soulmates.”

This evoked a long and sharp laugh from Veronica, Jughead could equate it only to cackling like a hyena. Once she realized he wasn’t laughing with her, she paused, “Oh. You were serious?”

“She’s my soulmate,” Jughead explained as Veronica nodded along, “But I’m…I’m not hers.”

“Wait, pause,” She commanded, “How the hell do you figure that?”

He gulped awkwardly, he shouldn’t be the one explaining this to her, “Come on Veronica. It’s Betty and Archie. Always has been.”

Veronica blinked at him, “You think…Betty and Archie…are soulmates?”

Jughead affirmed, “It’s obvious Veronica.”

She started to laugh again, subtler and to herself this time, but Jughead was getting pretty fed up. “Oh Jughead…what are we doing to with you?” She was quite amused, much to his annoyance. “Archie and I have known we’re soulmates since his seventeenth birthday.”

“What?” Jughead’s mouth was hanging open in surprise. Archie turned seventeen a few weeks after Veronica, months ago. His best friend found his soulmate and didn’t say anything? But that means…

Bang bang bang. Veronica raised her eyebrows in interest as someone else knocks on his door. “Expecting someone?” she drawled.

He shrugged her off before opening the door to find Archie on the other side, shoving his way in. Once inside the doorframe, a pretty angry Archie pushed Jughead back. “What the hell man! You made Betty cry!”

“Archie?” Veronica called out from the shadows of the trailer.

“Veronica?” He called back, surprised to see her here of all places. “Betty told you not to go after Jughead!”

“Betty also told you not to go after Jughead!” Veronica argued, more amused now.

The boy in question coughed awkwardly, prompting him to earn another push from Archie, “What? You think you’re too good for your own soulmate dude?”

Jughead looked bewildered because that certainly was not the case here. “You’ve been ignoring us for weeks! And this is why? Were you ever gonna tell her? Or just keep her in the dark?”

“Oh no Archie,” Veronica stepped in between the two boys and Jughead was grateful for just two seconds, “He thinks he’s not Betty’s soulmate.”

It was Archie’s turn to look confused so Veronica elaborated, “He thought the two of you were soulmates. Probably thought I was disillusioned and blind to your love.”

Unlike Veronica, Archie didn’t laugh. “That’s impossible Jughead, she’s like a sister to me. And obviously Ronnie and I are soulmates,” he seemed genuinely confused at Jughead’s confusion on the matter.

“Obviously?” Jughead scoffed, “You two didn’t tell anyone!”

“We thought everyone knew! We thought you knew!” They said in unison, a manner that was more unsettling than cute.

“Betty didn’t know,” he pointed out, “When I slept over a few weeks ago she asked me if you guys were soulmates.”

“My dad and I told her when he woke her up to go,” Archie rolled his eyes, “she wasn’t that surprised.”

And, oh god, was Jughead really feeling like an idiot now. “I mean,” Jughead scrambled to justify, “That still…doesn’t mean…that I’m Betty’s soulmate.”

Veronica pinched the bridge of her nose ready to bite out a rude comment when Archie intervened with a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Why? Why do you think that?”

“Because!” He exclaimed wildly, “I haven’t slept in weeks! Not since that night at your house Archie. I can’t focus in school, I can’t eat, I can’t stop thinking about her! And this whole time it’s been killing me because I thought…you two were soulmates. This entire time, I’ve been tossing and turning all night, looking like hell the next day-and she’s been fine! She’s even told me herself how well she’s been sleeping!”

And…that was pretty sound logic. It was hard to refute. Because even if Archie and Betty weren’t soulmates, there was that giant hole in the Betty and Jughead soulmate theory. He could see it in the way their faces fell. They couldn’t deny it.

“Oh,” Archie said, “Well, she’s pretty crazy about you, dude. The past few weeks she’s been going out of her mind trying to figure out what’s wrong with you. Ronnie and I have had to physically hold her back a few times.”

“She’s been crazy about you. I could tell that much since I first met you guys two years ago when I blessed this dismal town with my presence,” Veronica confirmed, “You’re all she’d talk about. From your dumb taste in movies, to wow Veronica! I can’t believe this article he wrote its so good blah blah blah to laughing at your unfunny jokes half an hour after you already left.”

Even…even if he wasn’t her soulmate, she still clearly loved him. And that was something, right?

Knock-knock. Someone else was at his door. Jughead sighed, exasperated but opened the door nonetheless to find Betty on the other side with a brown paper bag and a nervous look on her face.

“Betty-” He began to say but she interjected.

“Jughead, I know you’re…hurt and tired, but can I just come in? Can we please talk about us? I think I get why you’re upset-you don’t think we’re soulmates-wait, Archie?” She looked past Jughead’s shoulder to see the ginger standing awkwardly behind him.

“Betty?” Archie responded.

“Betty?” Veronica peeked over his shoulder.

“Veronica?” Betty was even more confused, stepping into the trailer.

Half-heartedly, Jughead raised his arm and lamely said, “Jughead, too.”

Archie snickered but Betty sent him an apprehensive stare, he wouldn’t be off the hook that easily.

Betty looked past him and stared at Archie and Veronica, “You two both promised me you wouldn’t say anything to him.”

Veronica had a light and airy tone, “And we had our fingers crossed the whole time, B.”

Betty put a hand on her hip, staring them both down, “Can we, uh, have a moment alone?”

“Of course!” Veronica chirped, taking Archie’s hand and pulling him into the living room, really only a few feet away from the doorway. Not nearly far enough for a private conversation.

“Veronica,” Betty’s said lowly, impatiently.

“Fine!” She huffed indignantly, moving to the door, “But I’m only a phone call away-don’t forget it Jones!”

“Goodbye Veronica, bye Archie!” Betty ushered them out the door quickly. As soon as the metal hinge of the door clicked shut, it became too quiet.

The silence was stifling, neither quite knowing what to say.

Eventually, Betty cleared her throat. “I…I don’t know what they told you, I hope it just didn’t make me look too embarrassing.”

“What do you mean?” He looked at the brown paper bag curiously.

“I just…remember when I was upset about how secretive Archie was about being with Veronica?” She waited for him to nod before continuing, “That night…when we fell asleep…it just felt different. I’ve never felt like that before. I assume you felt it too.”

“I did,” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“After Fred woke me up, I was so confused-I felt so disoriented, I felt like I was pulled from the best sleep of my life- I had no idea what was going on. And after I went home I couldn’t sleep. I thought, I don’t know, maybe we were soulmates. I mean those are all the tell-tale signs!”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming on here,” Jughead lamented, eyes guarded.

She nodded, “But the next day, I slept fine. I slept fine, every night after that. Ever since I turned seventeen, I’ve been sleeping fine-better than I used to!”

He looked down at his shoes, this was seemed to be their roadblock. How can she sleep content without him, if he was truly her soulmate?

“So I thought…I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy? And then I was…upset. Maybe dozing off together didn’t count but…I wanted it to be you,” Betty confessed, looking up at him from underneath her lashed, “I wanted my soulmate to be you, so badly. I was so frustrated at myself, and then you kept pulling away. You didn’t want to talk to me or-or Archie, I was worried you were being secretive-I thought that maybe you found your soulmate. And that’s why you weren’t around as much, just like Archie.”

“That…couldn’t be further from the truth-the reality is-” Jughead was astonished, this entire time he’d been fretting over the fact he wasn’t Betty’s soulmate while she was worried she wasn’t his.

“That we’re soulmates,” she finished with a smile that could soothe his soul, “But I didn’t know that-not until today when you, um, fell asleep on me? That’s when I realized-and I was so happy and excited. I had a soulmate and it was you, of all people. But then you-you woke up,” he could see tears forming in her eyes and he cursed himself for his harsh words before.

“I didn’t mean it-I swear,” he jumped in to explain, paranoia coating his voice, “I was-I was an idiot. I thought you were my soulmate but I wasn’t yours- I thought you and Archie were and I was trying to avoid you guys to make it hurt less but it was just stupid and-”

This time when she cupped his face with her hand, he didn’t pull away. He leaned into her touch, finding comfort in it as she nodded, “I know-it was your wording that gave you away. At first I thought you were upset because we were soulmates. I thought my own soulmate didn’t want me but-you said something about me being your soulmate and not us…and that’s when I knew.”

“Knew what?”

She rolled her eyes, “I knew exactly what happened that night. You freaked out the next morning, waited to see if I joined you in the crusade of sleepless nights, did a ton of research online and convinced yourself we were one of those non-reciprocal soulmate deals.”

He stared at her, stunned with a blush rising on his cheeks, “I, uh-well, basically?”

“I know you, Jughead Jones,” she smirked victoriously, bringing their foreheads to touch.

He could feel her grin against him, contagious enough to make him smile too. “I love you, Betty Cooper.” And it was true. Whether or not she had insomnia without him-they were soulmates. Maybe she was just an anomaly that way.

“I love you too,” she whispered before pressing their lips together softly.

If sleeping next to each other wasn’t enough to tell if they were soulmates, the fireworks and instant connection behind the kiss were enough to do the trick.

“Oh!” Betty said excitedly before pulling back, “I forgot about this!” She brought the brown paper bag up.

“What’s in the bag?” He looked at her, wondering what was important enough to interrupt their moment.

Betty pulled out an orange bottle with a white cap, a pill bottle. Tiny, beige capsules lined the inside of the bottle, it looked like it was halfway through.

He looked at her confused and she handed him the bottle. He read the label AMBIEN-TAKE 1X A DAY, HALF HR BEFORE INTENDED SLEEP.

Shocked, he looked up at her and she exclaimed loudly, “Sleeping pills, Jug! My mom was slipping them into my tea every night! That’s why she always wanted me home.”

“She didn’t want you to know when you found your soulmate,” Jughead realized.

“After Polly and Jason…she didn’t want me to have a soulmate,” She shook her head, disappointed in herself for not suspecting her mother sooner.

“Are you…Are you sure this is it? The reason you’ve actually been sleeping?” He eyed her cautiously, “Because with or without the insomnia-I know. We’re soulmates.”

“Well,” she took the bottle out of his hand before chucking it into the garbage with a sly smile on her face, “There’s only one way to know for sure. And you look like you could use a nap.”

[r95irth]

I’m cursed. I wanted to write a short drabble about Satoru’s first evening at the dorm and it ended up as a ten pages long text. Why can’t i keep things short??

Anyways, here is the text, if you want to read it. There are as many ocs as i could place in, maybe you’ll recognize one of yours? Some are not named. 

In this text you’ll also know why Mahô is probably gonna get a burnout. 

Satoru had been careful.

When he decided to go to UA, he was determined not to use his father and mother���s influence to get in. No recommendation for him. He went to both written and practical exams and by some miracles, passed. But that was not the end. He was no way near ashamed to be named Todoroki, quite the contrary, he was very proud to be the adopted son of Shouto. But he didn’t want to be recognized only as such on his first day of school. So he introduced himself as Satoru, no last name, to his new classmates. Since it was only first day, all teachers asked them to make a speech to present themselves in front of the class, he had a full day and a night at the dorm before the inevitable revelation during tomorrow call. He was planning to use the opportunity to its fullest: make a good impression so his name would not change their opinion of him. Of course, Aizawa noticed his efforts and asked to speak with him about it. He called the plan idealistic, but at least Satoru seemed to know that it was only temporary, so he let this go without breaking his cover.

-Just tell Shouto and Momo about it, so it doesn’t break their hearts when they hear about it and assume things wrong.

He promised, knowing that it was right. His parents were the best, but they had the tendency to get wrapped in their own heads and convince themselves silly things. Like Shouto and his hand-crushing-curse. Then he went back to the dorms.

Satoru had been extra careful, and so far nothing went wrong during his plan. That’s why when he found a big crowd in front of the building, it took him by surprise.

There were a lot of people; not only first years, but also second and third, if uniforms were any indication. They were chatting loudly, trying to get a sneak peak of the inside of the dorm, some even using their quirk to elevate themselves above the other and get the best point of view. Satoru gulped, and tried to see if he could recognize any of them. There were no Eri or Kouda to explain him what was going on, but he noticed Tsubaki and what must had been Max -once upon a time- in front of the main door. Unfortunately, Tsubaki noticed him too, and his expression went from desperate to hopeful in one second:

-SATORU THANKS GODS YOU’RE HERE. HELP ME!

Satoru shouldn’t be able to hear him, from this distance, and he doubted anyone but him heard that plead,  actually. That was Tsubaki’s power, mastering the sound and especially his voice. Satoru had known him for years now, and he couldn’t abandon him. The guy was shy and extremely awkward when he had to talk to more than two people at once. There were definitely more than two people at once talking to him right now. He could hear comments and remarks  from the crowd that would do nothing but throw off the interlocutors already such as “There are so few first year, what happened?” or “This promotion don’t look strong”!

I’m supposed to be a hero in training now, I have to help.

So Satoru took a deep breath, repressed the urge to lie down on the ground and play dead to go and help his friend. Tsubaki was a mess, unable to say anything but “thank you” and “sorry” at this point (and the fact he was still talking at all impressed Satoru, a few year back he would had just shut up and cried). He hugged Satoru back and then put his hoodie on his pink hair, and drew the elastic so his whole face disappeared into the hoodie. That was the sign that he was not going to say anything anymore. Max, another friend of Satoru, was already a wax puddle on the ground, so he couldn’t count on him either.

What a bunch of heroes we are, sighted Satoru as he turned to the crow and tried to give them his best smile.

-Y-Yes? What do you need?

-Is it true there’s a celebrity this year? Asked a redhaired girl, with stars in her eyes.

-Kojima, be more polite, hissed someone in the crowd with a authoritarian voice.

Satoru repressed a shiver, and looked away. Of course, the commotion had drawn every one of his classmates, even Mahô’s one, from the other building. They all stared, all ears. That couldn’t be worst.

-There is no such thing as a celebrity among us, he answered.

Because that was true; his parents were famous, but he was not. He was just some lost kid they took pity on and offered a better life. And even if he were their biological son (which he was not) his parents’ achievement were not his. He had no right to claim it. It was what he feared the most: people assuming he was extraordinary because of his name. He was already remembering Momo’s lesson about damage control when someone yelled:

-Come on, don’t hide her! We want to see the Shindo girl!

That pushed all coherent thoughts out of Satoru’s brain.

-What?

-The Shindo girl, repeated one boy. -She’s some kind of celebrity right? My sister is a fan, they say she’s going to be selected for the remake of Olympic games in two years!

Wow, way to go Satoru, at least, that should teach you some modesty, everything is not about you, he thought, almost laughing at himself. Those around didn’t care about the lesson there were giving him, nor for his relief, they still argued:

-Yeah! I googled her name on the internet, added one other boy with a blush. -She’s some kind of acrobatic diver, right? There was a lot of picture of her in swimsuit! She looked super cute.

This one needs googles asap, only concluded Satoru.

-Eh? I though she was a skater! I saw a video of a program in competition!

-She’s not acrobatic diver neither a skater moron, she’s a gymnast! That’s why they selected her even though she’s only 15, gymnasts’ peak is around that age! Yelled a girl second year.

-Guys, that’s the thing, she’s not selected for one sport, but for two! One for winter Olympic and one for normal and she’s training as a hero. That’s why they talked about her on news! She’s also the daughter of one hero, though I’ve never heard the hero’s name before…Someone knows who Omniscient was?

-Who cares as long as she still has to wear super sexy outfits!

Satoru blinked at the boy who made the comment. Honestly, if he really googled Mahô’s name, he should had seen some picture of her. He should had seen her fucking tights and abs. That was as attractive as a carnivorous flower’s scent: very deadly.

Some of his new classmates decided to help -bless them- and came closer. Ready to help. A girl -Shiori, if Satoru recalled right- Tried to put Max back into a human shape, but wax was spreading all over the floor already, melting even more.  One boy that Satoru never saw before (he was probably in class A), stood up between them and the crowd, like a shield. He was sturdy, not as tall as Max were (when he had not melted) but still a bit taller than Satoru, and way more imposing. And, he looked like a rabbit his big bunny ears were hanging down on his shoulder. But what stroke Satoru the most were his fluffy curly hair that were almost calling him to pet it.

Lucky Satoru repressed the urge back. Certainly that was not the best way to introduce himself to someone; “Sorry you looked so soft I wanted to bury my head in your black furr” Yeah. Sounded more like a bad pick up line. Not that great as a hello.

Anyways the new boy managed to talk to the crowd like a boss:

-Shindo is not here right now, like you pointed out, she has a lot on her plate, she already left to train with one teacher named Kirishima, he explained with a clear, unwavering voice.  

The crowd let out a sight of deception, and seemed to calm down for approximatively 2 seconds; Then they burst out again, yelling that they knew it, there was indeed a celebrity on school ground! Some even asked for the time Shindo would return so they could come back and ask her for an autograph. The rabbit guy apologized, and gave a word or two to those who seemed the sadder, before asking them to come back later.

He’s good at it, noticed Satoru. Well, it was difficult to be worst than Max -who melted as soon as a girl breathed in his direction- Tsubaki or him. So he told him:

-You’re great at handling people.

The bunny guy looked at him, and chuckled and that was the cutest sound ever.

-I’m from a family of twelve, believe me, this is nothing compared to get my little brothers and sisters to the bath.

Twelve?! How the heck do you survive?!

He must had been staring because a girl beside him giggled, and he suddenly felt self-conscious. Get it together Satoru, he ordered himself, you can’t loose it as soon as a cute face appear! Stay focus. But then cute-boy had to betray him in the cutes way. He hiccuped and then said aloud:

-Wait…I know your face, Shindo showed me a picture of you and her, aren’t you her best friend…?

Hell broke loose again. The red haired girl from the beginning grabbed his shoulder, and squealed:

-Is that true? This is so cool, could you ask an autograph for my brother? It would made him so happy!

That was at least a nice ask, unlike the other who followed just after it:

-If you’re her best friend, you should have PLENTY of picture of her in nice outfits! You have to show us all sexy ones!

Satoru almost choked on this one, and suddenly understood why Max melted and Tsubaki went back to mute mode -he was beginning to feel like lying in the ground and play dead again. Rabbit boy at least appeared to be regretful, and he tried to do his magic again, to tame the crowd, but with no success.

That’s the moment the one responsible of all of this mess decided to come back. Satoru spotted her first, thanks to his power and their bond, he always knew where she was and how she was. It took him not even a second to see her tiny figure 100 meters away, as she jogged back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this aspect of Satoru’s power was two-way down, and Mahô stopped jogging, surprised by what she was feeling. She noticed the crowd, and Satoru felt her frown as she continued to run  but staying on the same spot, looking curious.

Satoru decided to have what he liked to call a telepathic discussion with her. Technically he couldn’t do that, he was just not that good with his power. But he could help her make the good connections, understands better what she was seeing and push her thoughts in the right direction. He stared and focused. The bond he shared with Mahô was one of the strongest, only second to the one he had with Shouto and Momo, she understood immediately. And he heard his thoughts as clear as the day. It went first as it was for him:

Why are there so many people in front of the dorms?

Then it turned into: Is that Satoru, Max and Tsubaki? Why are they the one handling the crowd, they are no social butterflies…

He pushed the clue into her brain, one that was already existing but she was trying really hard not to see ; the only link all four shared. Wait, if there are handling the thing together, does that mean I’m linked to the mess? It helped that she managed to see Satoru in particular and noticed that he was staring at her. Oh gods he is looking at me, and he seems really mad, why is he mad at me?

From there it was easy to conclude: Did I do something wrong?

And then she looked for mistakes she did -which was not so many, as far as Satoru could see from glimpses he had in her minds. She did stutter a bit during her introduction, was rude to a couple of people without wanting it. Then it clicked in Mahô’s mind. She realized that she said she was going to train for a competition to another girl before leaving class, that she had coaches she needed to meet to plan the training and her schedule around school time. Satoru focused on this thought alone and heavily insisted on it. Oh fuck. Mahô’s thoughts did nothing but halt all at the same time as she realized.

She looked again at the crowd and her mind repeated : Oh fuck. Oh fuck. She understood. Satoru smiled approvingly : Yes, now come and help me clear this mess, he pleaded her mentally. But then Mahô turned around and started running the opposite way.

YOU TRAITOR!

And honestly, Satoru was nowhere near his best friends’ athletic skills, there was no point to argue over this. Yet he still ran after and catch her by the collar. He didn’t even say a word of goodbye to his classmate and dashed forward, determined to not let her flee. Satoru rarely felt anger toward anybody but right now all he could think was Oh no don’t you dare try to get away!

His bond had the advantage to let him know immediately where she planned to take refuge, and being adopted in the Todoroki household allowed him to know the UA campus as well as his own home. He took a short cut and jumped on her back as she passed through a sneaky passage between the gymnasium and the pool.

-How could you run away!  

She yelped as she hit the ground.

-I can’t believe you planned to let us handle YOUR mess! What kind of hero are you; running away from your responsabilities!

-Those are not responsabilities, those are fans that’s very different! Babbled Mahô with a nervous smile, trying to get away.

That would not work on him.

-Heroes must know how to handle fans, Mahô, and treat them well!

-BUT I SUCK AT IT!

This was a rare thing to hear, Mahô admitting she was not good at something. That let Satoru shocked enough for her to roll out of his grasp and stand back, ready to run again. But she didn’t and instead sputtered:

-I never know what I should do with my hands and feet when I’m with supporters…Should I shake their hands? Should I kick them?! I just…And I always say the wrong things and I come out rude! And-and…

-I’m sure it’s not that bad.

To be frank, Satoru was sure it was that bad, because Mahô rarely put filter on, and he already heard her say rude things with a smile and an innocent look.

-I gave ONE interview in my life Satoru. ONE. And apparently I said something SO RUDE, it made the buzz and the video is still somewhere on the internet even though it’s been FOUR YEARS.

-What the heck did you say?

-That I didn’t plan to be a professional sportwoman but a hero, that I was doing this for fun!

-Tell me you didn’t say that.

-OF COURSE I SAID IT SINCE IT WAS TRUE. WHY WOULD EVERYONE TELL ME IT’S WRONG?!

-BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS CRUSH ALL YOUR COMPETITORS AND THEY ALL PLAN TO BE PRO AND YOU SAY TO THEM YOU’RE ONLY FOOLING AROUND WHEN THEY ARE SERIOUS MAYBE?!

-WELL THEY SHOULD TRAIN MORE TO BEAT ME THEN?! IT’S NOT LIKE I TRAIN MORE THAN THEM AND I’M MORE TALENTED? THAT JUST MEAN THEY DIDN’T GO 100%?!

Satoru facepalmed and let out a tired sight. Indeed, she was rude and she didn’t know what to say to make it better. But the problem was still there: she was a celebrity -he still didn’t quite believe it, as for him she was forever Mahô, his best friend. And the job came with responsabilities.

-You have to see them, you know that, he said.

Mahô started sweating, guilty.

-Yes I know. B-But I kind of planned to meet them…you know, later? Like…after training.

-And when is that?

-A-Around 10 PM.

-On the first day of school?

She looked away. He probably hit spot on because her gaze avoided him at all cost. He could feel that she was lying without even the need to touch her. After a new sigh, he took her hand and started to drag her to the dorms. She knew better not to resist -she probably could handle him easily though.

-Satoru, pleaseee, don’t do that to me, I really, really suck at it! I will do whatever you want, I will do your homework, i-

-No thank you, don’t do my homework, I want a good grade. Anyways, it’s better to take off the band aid quickly. Just…Just smile okay? You can do that. You have the perfect smile on every picture!

-But then they will ask things and I will have to stop smiling to actually talk to them! What if I turn mute like Tusbaki? Or worst, what if I say rude things again and someone record it and put it on the internet? And what if they ask me for autograph? My calligraphy suck, I don’t know what to write beside my name…what if I made a typo on my OWN name?!

Satoru bit his lips. He thought of the boys in the crowd who called her sexy. What would they think now, staring at the weeny teenager with no-boobs, but a body so strong she could punch him before running away? (And he was thankful she did not do that, despite the fact she was actually considering it).

-It’s okay, Mahô. I’ll stay with you, okay?

-You’re no better than me in front of crowd, she lamented.

Spot on and rude. I’m trying to help you, you could at least be grateful!

-Yeah, he blurted, not denying. -But I’m good at knowing when you say something rude when you don’t. I can hear what you’re thinking before you actually go and say it. I will pinch you before you’re making the mistake. I will not have to say anything; just stand by your side and give you a sign when you’re going to far. That’s my forte, right? Why you wanted to become a hero with me right? We’re a team don’t forget it. Better start working as such and learn how to do it right away. This is why we came to this school for after all!

Mahô looked at him, eyes shining with emotion, and she suddenly jumped on her feet to pull him into a crushing hug. For a moment Satoru feared that she went for the “kill and run” option, but then she said;

-You’re the best friend ever and I love you! My hero!

He blushed and made a point to deny it. Because he was not a hero yet, and putting up with her shit did not turn him into one.

-Yeah. Yeah, now let go, we need to back to the dorms.

And they did. Of course, the crow was still there, even if they both wished they scattered out while they were away. (No luck urgh). Satoru took a step back and let Mahô on the frond, she gave him a helpless stare, as she was submerged by people. But he stood his ground and stayed right behind her back, at arm’s length, as he promised, he would help. Even if the crow was indeed fucking scary.

-You’re the Shindo girl?

-Is it true that you’re training for the planned new Olympic game?

-You’re tinier than in the clips!

-Can you do a backflip?

-I heard you laughed at the practical exams!

-I heard you bombed the written exam!

To be totally honest, Mahô did a great job and gave the crowd her perfect picture smile. He knew she had that in her, and was proud she was looking anything but nervous as she had been in front of him.(And he was even prouder that he allowed him to see her being nervous, that meant she trusted him) Everything was going smoothly. The redhaired girl from the beginning took a step in and managed to ask for an autograph, as she showed Mahô her notebook. Mahô looked at it, and her mind turned into a puddle of panic.

This is it! I thought they would ask for it! Help me Satoru I don’t know how to sign an autograph! My calligraphy SUCKS. What if I make a typo?! What if I spell my own name wrong?! I don’t want to sign. I NEED an excuse! I-I-

Satoru tried to pinch her before she opened her mouth, but he had underestimate his best friend’s speed.

-I don’t know how to write, Mahô said with a dead-serious-face. And her mind let out a scream that was very much like a pterodactyl’s agony screech.

Satoru pinched his nose instead of her and took a deep, deep breath. Okay. Okay. That was going to be harder than he previously thought. Lucky them, Mahô was in her sport gear, and so was not wearing any accessories on her, so none of them betray her state of mind. Her clothes, though, started to buzz off a bit, and wrinkle around her body, infected by the nervousness of its owner. That was no good at all. In no time her power was going to start affecting every object in the perimeter. So he did the only thing he thought off to make it better. He let out a nervous laugh.

-Ah-ah Mahô, that’s a good joke! Come on, let me handle that.

He took the notebook of the redhaired girl, who repeated with a smile “Oh, it was a joke!” and asked for her name and her brother’s:

-Because it’s for your brother you want this, right?

The redhaired girl nodded with a big smile on her face, fidgeting, hiding her hands behind her back as soon as he took the notebook.

-My name is Kojima. Koyuki Kojima, she whispered. And my brother is…

Satoru nodded and asked for the kanji, as he handled it to Mahô. It went better. When he felt like she was about to write it wrong he asked Kojima again, as if he was the one not hearing the kanji right. In the end, Mahô managed to write something without an error. It was simple words: for the Kojima family, and her name. Before Mahô handled it down, though, Satoru added:

-Thank you for your support!

And Mahô stood up, understanding the hidden message, and added it to the autograph before handling it to the owner. The redhaired girl didn’t seem to mind about the weak calligraphy and gave them a beautiful smile and thank you. It helped a lot, though, since the first contact went well, Mahô was feeling a bit less nervous. Everything after didn’t falter her new refound confidence. Not even the stupid comment about her sexiness in the outfit.

-I could show you some of my last costumes, if you like them so much, she bluntly said to a boy.

Which was a great move that Satoru approved.

-But I doubt they would suit you, though, she added without letting Satoru the time to pinch her again.

They had a lot of work to do, the strategy of pinching was not that good, she was just too fast. Thankfully, Kojima laughed, probably assuming it was a joke again, and so everyone went along with her. Anyways, they dealt with everyone without making a scandal (Momo would had been so proud of him) and before they knew it, they had said goodbye to the last supporter before dining time.

Satoru let out a sigh, and Mahô did the same.

-That was scary, she said.

But what was even scarier, thought Satoru, was the face of their classmates when they went back to the dorms. They were all scattered around, but surely, they didn’t miss a single thing, watching them behind the building glasses or a few steps away. Satoru didn’t recognize everyone so he assumed the whole two classes of the first years were gathered here. Gods. And he had wished for a peaceful first day!

-So. Huh, you’re really a celebrity, managed to mumble one of the boy in Satoru’s class. He was floating around in his spectral form, as he had been all day, and looked a bit puzzled. It threw Satoru a bit off, since he didn’t know the boy at all and couldn’t even touch him, Satoru had no clue about what he was thinking.

Mahô though, seemed to understand that she was on a bad start and whispered:

-Well, I wouldn’t call me a that…

-Oh? What would you call you off then? You’re very much like a celebrity. From what I gathered, you’re the favorite in not one, but two sports for the next Olympic games. First Olympic that would be held for years since the apparition of quirks! Television talked about you today!

The one who said that was another boy, from Satoru’s class, and his tone was full of venom even though it was said with a bold calmness.

-Y-Yeah, that’s so impressive! Immediately tried to desamorce some girl with brown hair and cheerful grin. Satoru appreciated her effort, he recognized her as the giggling girl from before. The one who had seen him freeze in front of bunny-boy.

-Y-You really are something else, added another girl, with redhair, looking nothing but embarrassed about her own words.

-I heard you’re also the daughter of a hero? That must helped a lot to get in.

Again, it was a stained comment, but this time it was made by a chubby girl with glasses. As the boy in Satoru’s class, she said it with a strange calmness, that made her words even colder. Mahô started to panic and Satoru immediately put a hand on a vase next to him. It had started shaking, echoing Mahô’s emotions. He had to find a way to make it back to safe grounds.

Even if they had been friends for more than five years now, it was actually the first time Satoru ever shared a class, even a school, with his best friend. He had known that she was not really the confident girl he met when on school ground, but knowing it and witnessing it were two different things. The Mahô he liked was a loud, cheerful, and blunt girl that was not afraid to say everything that pass through her head, and didn’t care about what other thought of her. But the girl beside him very much cared. Her thoughts though, were, as always, a mess:

What can I do, this is going all wrong. I have to say something to make everything better or I will have no friends here! (What can I say?) What did I even do wrong? (Maybe I should shut up). Yeah it’s better, i shouldn’t talk every time I did it made things worse. But if I did, I will have no friend? (Who care, I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to become a hero!)...But three years is a long time though.(I have Satoru it should be enough). But he’s not in the same class as me, and we’re stuck for hours in class. (I have Max in my class, we’re not as close, but it’s still something like a friend I suppose?)  It’s already hard enough to just sit around and do nothing but not having anyone to talk to? I suppose I could always go and call daddy between classes, if there is no one to talk to,( I would have to do it anyways). Or maybe I could train between classes too. (Doing stretches, we never do enough stretches). And maybe repeat my programs and figures. Yes I suppose I can make a do without any friends, but…(I don’t want to)!

It was hurting to hear her think that way. It hurt Satoru to see her give up before even trying. It was just not the girl he was used to. And he would not allow her to be isolated. But what can I do to help? He had no clue how to make it better either. He could see that there were people who were curious among classmates, but some had been very much hostile right away. Maybe I should just give up on those ones, and focus on the others. But it left a bad taste in his mouth, he didn’t like to cast anyone aside.

-Mahô’s father is not influent enough to help her get in UA, he said instead, hoping that it would help them see Mahô as an equal. -She passed the exams like everyone else in this room.

Max -who was back in human form- bit his lips, since it was not the case for him. But Satoru was surprised to see a girl with weird aquatic hair do the same. He would have liked for both of them to speak up and help, but he couldn’t reproch them not to either; acting like as a shield was nothing pleasant.

-Well, it looks like this year teacher decided to go for quality rather than quantity! Claimed the rabbit guy with a smile. -That’s great! I wish my family had the same mindset!

Satoru let out a small chuckle, and rabbit guy gave him a thankful glance in return. Surely, Satoru was the only one to get the joke, he doubted anyone knew that the rabbit-boy had twelve sisters and brothers.

A petite girl with snake skin came closer to Mahô, and though she avoided her gaze, she whispered:

-You will have you hands full, training as a hero and a sportwoman, are you sure you’re going to be okay?

Satoru decided he liked her a lot, she was showing some compassion. And Mahô thought the same, as she nodded, finding back her usual smile:

-Yes, don’t worry! I’ve been having competition since forever, and I’m on the junior league since I’m twelve, I’m used to it. Thank you for your concern though you’re cute!

Satoru saw how everyone from his class tensed up hearing the comment. She still had some work to do, to not look like she was rubbing off her greatness to their faces. But at least, people from Mahô’s class didn’t seem to mind -they probably heard worst from her during the day. One boy, with ink all over his face, managed to make sure the conversation didn’t end there and asked:

-What is it like to live with a hero, then?

Satoru let out a relieved sight, happy to see that it was going to end well, and he allowed to leave Mahô’s side and let her handle things. That, he would understand not even two seconds later, was a grave mistake. Because, once again, Mahô spoke without thinking and Satoru was too far away from her to pinch her in time so she could shut up.

-My dad is awesome, but he retired when I was nine so I don’t remember much of our everyday life when he worked. You should better ask that to Satoru, he’s the son of Shouto and Creati, he must knows better!

There was a dead silence and every face turned in his direction, giving a shocked look. Again, Satoru gave Mahô the look, sending him very annoyed thoughts via their telepathic conversation, and she seemed to understand her mistake. She put her hands on her mouth and repressed a “Oops!”

TRAITOR!

Yes “OOPS” he would have liked her better if she had put this damn hand on her mouth before speaking. But he didn’t say her it was a secret and she had no way to know. And as Aizawa said, the secret was going to be out tomorrow at best. (Still. He would have liked it to be tomorrow).  He blushed, looked to the rabbit boy. That was also a mistake, too, he immediately regretted it. The boy was very much staring at him with a deadpan look.

Crap. This is bad.

Mahô tried to come to his rescue and correct her mistake only to make it worst:

-I mean, well yeah he is, you know, but…he’s like, huh. He’s not the only one though! Tsubaki is Recovery girl’s great grandson too, and Max is from a hero and diplomat family from another country too, you know so, it’s like, no big deal? Right?

Tsubaki very much decided to go back living in his hoodie, and his neighbor (Satoru remembered him introducing themselves as Kussan during class) looked quite bewildered by his reaction. As for Max, he started melting again, and a flower mutated girl let out a yelp as she was trying to protect herself from the boiling wax. Arya a girl from aquatic hair from his class reacted in time and used her power to bubble Max into a strange floating water. He could not melt if he was under water. -But apparently he couldn’t breathe either. Which was problematic and caused quite a commotion.

In front of the mess happening right before their eyes, the cold guy from before sighted, put back his glasses into place, and stated:

-Okay, does anyone else has another secret to share? Anything that could blow up to our face before tomorrow? Go ahead, it seems like it’s time!

To Satoru’s surprise, the spectral boy raised his hand and stated:

-Well, I’m not really here, physically I mean.

Satoru had been very careful, to make sure that he started off his first year at UA with a good start. In the end, his carefulness was in vain. But, as he heard his classmates laughing :

-We already know that, you’re an astral projection it’s given!

He decided that it was okay. 

[betterwiththepen]

Jesse sat behind me in History. He would put sticky notes in my hair, that simply said “Hi.”

We had grown up together, Jesse and I. Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts is where we called home, and we went to a small high school just outside of the city limits. On our way home every day, we would walk together, and cross the bridge of flowers which bloomed in the warm weather, filling the air with the sweet aroma of gardenias and lilies.

I was no older than 12 when Jesse told me he loved me. He made a promise to me, to my innocent heart, that if we weren’t married at 43, we should wed. I thought it was the most serious and intense thing anyone had ever said to me, so I scrawled it all into my diary and stowed it away behind my bed.

Jesse didn’t have to know that I loved him too then.

“Hayley,” Jesse asked me at his 13th birthday party.

“Yeah?”

“Who do you have a crush on?” His voice spoke sweetly. We were still young then, wearing GAP sweatshirts and sneakers with our folded up jeans. His eyes were bright as usual, and I smiled.

“Nobody,” I said. Friends swirled around us, faces dirtied with ice cream cake and sipping on cola. It was a 13 year old’s dream, and Jesse was living it. Everyone loved him, with his freckles and pretty eyes and charismatic smile.

“That’s a lie,” He said, and grinned.

“No it’s not,” I was defiant. Elizabeth Palmer sat down next to him. They were “dating,” meaning they held hands and talked on the phone. My jealousy ate me alive, because Jesse was my best friend, not her boyfriend.

Late that night, we all strolled over to the playground next to the middle school. It was technically trespassing, yes, but we were kids. I got on the swings and kicked my feet up, Jesse pushed Elizabeth down the slide.

They “broke up” that night, because Elizabeth thought he should date me instead. I never told him I knew, because Devin Harris told me.

Devin Harris and I briefly dated when we were 14, and Jesse didn’t speak to me until it was over. He said Devin was a jerk, and no good for me.

“I can’t believe you dated Devin Harris for three whole months.”

“We didn’t break up because he’s a scumbag, Jesse, we just realized we were better off as friends.”

“Friends, sure. Friends with benefits, I bet he wants. He’s such a sleaze.”

“Would you cool it?”

“Cool it. Hah.”

I rolled my eyes, and he sat back and glared at me.

I shook my head, and changed the TV channel to watch a movie.

Jesse’s dad, a proud family man, was never home. He was always on a business trip. We later understood that Jesse’s parents stayed together for him, because…well they didn’t want him to grow up without his father. Ironically enough, he did anyway.

My family was normal enough, with the occasional spat and falling out, so Jesse liked to frequent my house. Jesse’s mother would listen to the radio all night and pick her favorites and write them down. Jesse would have to go get her the records once a week. She worked days in the grocer, organizing and managing. In those days, that was more than enough to pay the bills.

When we were 15, Jesse was asked out by Olga Farris. He went on one date with her, and then I never heard any more about it.

“How was your date with Olga? She’s beautiful, and so your type, and..”

“We didn’t click,” he said, absentmindedly flicking through a copy of that month’s Rolling Stone.

“You didn’t click?” I was surprised. How was it possible that the prettiest girl I had ever seen didn’t click with Jesse. He shrugged, and popped his gum between his teeth. I shook my head, and elected to not push him any further.

We drifted apart and came together again many times throughout our adolescence.

One night in particular, when Jesse and I had stolen liquor from his father’s cupboard, we snuck out to the bridge and sat and drank.

“Hails,” He spoke, and his breath smelled of Jack Daniel’s. We were 16 now, and things were different. I had gone through puberty, and so had he. We could pass for adults if we tried.

His auburn hair was illuminated by the street-lamps brilliantly, and he smiled like he’d never smiled before.

“Yes?” I asked, and sipped out of the bottle of peach schnapps.

“Do you think my dad is always on a business trip for a reason? And why I’m an only child?” He propped himself up on his knee, and looked at me sweetly.

“Jesse, you’re drunk, don’t overthink it.” I shook my head, and leaned back from him.

“I have another question for you.”

“Shoot,” I sat up, and met his eyes.

“Is there something wrong with me, that I haven’t had a girlfriend?”

“No, nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t pursued anybody. Boys are usually the court-ers, not the courted.” I was amazed with what a sad drunk he was.

“Is it because everyone thinks I’m in love with you?” He asked, and I was taken 100 feet back with the statement.

“I didn’t know everyone thought so?”

He put down the bottle of JD and leaned forward to me.

“I’ve told you so before. Did you not believe me?”

“Jesse, you’re drunk, should you really…”

“So are you.”

I admittedly was. I had that warm, fuzzy feeling in my gut for an hour or so now.

“That doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t…” He pressed his lips to mine in a kiss. His hand touched my face, and thumb across my jaw.

I gripped his side, and I pulled us closer together. Hands shifted around each other’s bodies, and the occasional whimper or gasp escaped one of our lips. The only thing that broke us apart was approaching voices, and the pitter patter of a dog’s feet on the pavement.

I hid the schnapps under my shirt, and Jesse nearly broke the bottle of JD as he flung it behind the street lamp.

We sat, straight faced, looking away from each other until they passed. Jesse promptly jumped up, took the schnapps from me, and sprinted home. We didn’t speak for weeks after that.

One day, in history, a tap came on my shoulder.

“Hey, do you have the notes from..”

I whipped around quickly to him.

“Notes from when, Jesse.” His face dropped. My heart was twisting in my chest, and I looked at him waiting for him to fix it.

“Last week. Hayley?” I felt my eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry.”

“Yes, I do.” I looked down, and then met his glance again. “I understand.”

I gave him the notes, and we didn’t really talk for a while.

Elizabeth Palmer and I sat at lunch, quiet one day. Things were never quite as they should be between us, I figured she just hated me because I was me.

“Did you and Jesse Chandler have sex?”

“What? No, oh my god. Where would you get that?”

“Well you two were real close, and then you just…stopped talking.” She almost looked pleased with herself.

“I’m not going to get into it. But I can honestly tell you we didn’t sleep together.”

“Do you love him?”

I felt my stomach backflip into my throat.

“He’s my best friend, Elizabeth. Nothing more.”

I heard myself lie so convincingly, it shocked me into believing it.

Not for long, however.

Months passed, and things were weird. Repressing feelings for your childhood best friend wasn’t a good look, nor did it really help your relationship grow. We avoided each other, except for when his mom would ask about me or mine about him, and we would talk like it was all normal.

We both knew it wasn’t normal.

In any respect of the word.

This especially peaked after junior year wrapped up. Jesse’s birthday was in October, so he couldn't drive yet. We still travelled on foot, walking to school in silence in the mornings. One hot June night, when my air conditioner was broken, I stared at the ceiling fan with disdain. Then, I swore I heard something.

“Hayley. Pssst, Hayley. Wake up! It’s only 2. My dad, Hails. Come on…” His voice trailed off. I sat up and looked to my window. There he was, my best friend, perched on my roof.

“Jesse, what the hell?” I crawled out of bed, and opened the window. “What are you doing here?”

“Come out to the bridge with me. I need somebody, Hayley.”

I was baffled by the statement, and closed my curtain. I changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and my sneakers. I pulled the curtain back, and he still sat, patiently. I crawled out the open window, onto the roof.

“It’s really easy to get down from here, I promise.” He hopped down from the tree-branch touching the roof, and then stuck his hand out for me. He helped me off the branch, and then I grabbed my bike. We took off into town, and I watched his face twist and contort with every thought he had. We were 17 then, and he hadn’t called me out in the dead of the night in what felt like years. My heart twisted, worrying what was wrong.

“Jesse.” I stopped, and turned to him.

“Hails?”

“What’s going on?”

His face dropped, and I knew that it wasn’t good.

“My dad. He…he left.” His eyes were filled with tears.

“He left? Just…gone?” I was lost.

“He and my mom were arguing tonight, and he packed a suitcase and…left.” He wiped tears, evidently, and leaned up against the streetlight.

“Jesse,” I tried, and he shook his head.

“This was going to happen eventually, wasn’t it?” The bridge was in view, and in full bloom. I urged Jesse along, so we could stop somewhere away from traffic. He pushed his bike to the edge of the bridge, and then sat down on the ground. I sat down across from him, and brushed my hair out of my eyes. His bangs fell in his eyes, and I brushed them away, too. His eyes were watery, and desperate. I shifted next to him, and wrapped my arms around him. He put his head in my shoulder and didn’t say anything for a while. We watched the sun come up from there, and soon realized that we needed to go home.

“I can’t leave my mom alone today.”

“I know,” I sighed. I took his face in my hands and kissed his cheek. He smiled gently, and then shook it off. He rode off, without another word, and I sat there until 8, when my dad woke me from a slumber.

“Kiddo, what are you doing?”

I looked up, and smiled. He was baffled, and maybe a little angry, but once I explained what was happening, he understood. He put my bike in the back of his pickup, and drove me home.

The rest of that summer I saw Jesse once, maybe twice. He didn’t want to leave his mother alone, for she was falling apart.

Diane Chandler checked into a mental hospital in August of that year, because she felt she had lost control and couldn’t live a lie.

Jesse got a job shortly after, and worked the rest of the summer away. With Mr. Chandler nowhere to be found, and Jesse on his own, he grew up fast. He shopped for himself and the pets, and lived on his own for months until someone (my guess was Olga Farris’s mother) called social services and ushered him off to live with his aunt in Massapequa, on Long Island.

My heart broken, and Jesse living the life of a stranger, the only thing I could do was reach out.

I looked up his aunt, a Mrs. Delilah Chandler-Bowes, and rung the home phone.

“Hello?” A sweet young woman’s voice answered. I could only assume it was his cousin Mila, because she sounded too young to be his aunt.

“Hi, this is Hayley Desmond. Is this the household of Delilah Bowes?”

The girl paused, and then spoke again, softly.

“You’re Hayley?” She was hushed, as if my call was a secret.

“I assume I’m speaking to Mila?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, you are. Uh, did you want to talk to Jesse, because he…” She went quiet again. “He’s mentioned you a lot. I would guess he’s anxiously awaiting your call.” She pressed the phone to her shirt, and called his name. A hasty set of footsteps could be heard hitting the ground in the distance. I heard Jesse’s voice for the first time in what was nearly a year.

“It’s Hayley Desmond?” He sounded in disbelief.

The phone was soon transferred hands, and then I heard him speak directly to me. My eyes filled up with tears before he even said anything heart wrenching.

“Hayley.” His voice sounded deeper, and more matured.

“Jesse, I..I didn’t know you’re aunt’s name until now…I wanted to speak to you months ago, but you know..I….wow. How are you?” I heard myself stumbling.

“It’s okay, Hayley. I understand. I’m okay. You know, not great, but it’s a living. I like my Aunt Delilah, and Mila and her brother Andrew are all right. School sucks though. I…I miss you, Hayley, and I miss the bridge, and Pickles and Peanut.”

“I have Pickles and Peanut. I couldn’t let them take them to the shelter. They’re well, and getting along with Frances, believe it or not.” Pickles was Jesse’s act, and Peanut was his dog. Frances was my dog, and they were getting along well. I wasn’t lying.

“That makes me very happy. My pets are with my heart, in Massachusetts. What a thought.” He laughed, sadly, and cleared his throat. “So, how’s senior year. Am I missed?” He joked.

“Terrible, and yes. Everyone in Shelburne has their left back tire painted black in mourning.”

“Well I have to go back today.” He laughed, and I tried to laugh with him but my chest felt like it was closing in.

“I don’t even know what to say, Jesse. I never considered..I never considered this.” I felt my voice getting caught in my throat.

“The way it all went? Yeah, me neither. I’m gonna graduate though, and that’s all that really matters right now. What day is your graduation? I’ll come up, and then you can come down with me for mine.”

“Mine is the 20th of June. What day is yours?”

“The 23rd. That’s an adequate amount of time, I think.”

I went quiet for a minute.

“I always thought we would be getting our diplomas together in that dumb little school.” I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see it.

He cleared his throat, and then laughed.

“Me too.” His voice sounded soft, and regretful.

“Hey, Jesse?” I rushed.

“Yes?” he sounded off guard.

“I love you.” My words spilled like a glass knocked off the table.

“I love you too, Hails. You know that.”

We spoke for about an hour after that, and Jesse planned to drive to Massachusetts on the 19th.

I got off the phone and cried for a little while. The wait for the 19th felt like a million years.

When it finally rolled around, I spent all day anxiously awaiting a call.

My father walked into my room around 1:25 in the afternoon

“Hayley? You’re needed.”

I got up, and started out of my room in a near sprint. I could have taken the door off its handles I was so excited. Turning the corner to the glass window outside the front room I saw him.

He was taller now, and had let his hair grow in. It was auburn curls cascading to his jaw. My dad stood, speaking with him as if nothing had changed. I froze for a moment, trying not to go in and cause a scene. He turned around by chance just as I wiped tears from my eyes. I walked into the office, finally, and he scooped me up in a hug. I cried into his shoulder, which was a solid shoulder now with muscle. He smelled of his cologne, and a laugh escaped his chest. We didn’t separate for nearly a whole minute. Once we did, my now bloodshot eyes met his bright ones. He smiled, and at that moment, I understood what it meant to love and be loved. To have that mutual connection. It was beautiful, and deep. Soon, it was the way it used to be.

On graduation day, he cheered obnoxiously loud from the bleachers. I laughed, and ruined the photo op.

Mom wasn’t too thrilled about that, but I figured she would get over it.

On the 22nd, Jesse and I made the trip to Massapequa for his graduation.