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written-with-clouds · 3 months ago

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I Found Love (Where It Wasn't Supposed To Be) Pt. 2

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen/ Rhaenyra's Daughter!Reader

Summary: You and Aemond had always been close, even after he lost his eye and your mom moved your family to Dragonstone. What will happen when your grandsire dies and Aegon takes the throne from your mother? Will you and Aemond be able to stay together? Or will family drive you apart?

Authors Note: Cross posted on AO3, Aemond and Reader are of legal age during all spicy scenes.

CW: Uncle/Niece, Secret Relationship, Minor Character is badly injured

Part 1 Part 3

You stand alongside your brothers, watching as your mother and Daemon burn your dead-born sister. Joffrey clings to your legs, unsure of the sadness that permeates the air, and you pet a hand soothingly through his mop of brown hair. A few stray tears running down your cheeks.

The wind carries the sound of armored footsteps approaching. You turn, seeing a lone Kingsguard, not one of your own, carefully approaching your mother where she stands atop a small rocky hill. He bends the knee before her, holding out your late grandsire’s crown.

“I swear to ward the Queen, with all my strength… and give my blood for hers.” The Kingsguard starts, Daemon approaches him, taking the crown from his hands, as he continues. “I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall guard her secrets, obey her commands, ride at her side, and defend her name and honor.”

You hold your breath, watching as Daemon slowly returns to your mother and gently places the crown upon her head. He kneels before her and you watch as the other inhabitants of Dragonstone follow, kneeling down before her in a show of fealty. You and your brothers follow suit, bowing your heads to your mother.

The next days go by in a blur. Jace is sent north to secure the support of House Stark and the Eyrie, Luke sent to Storm’s End. Rhaenys leaves on Meleys, to patrol over the barrier made to cut off all sea trade to King’s Landing. Beala patrols over Dragonstone with her sister, Rhaena, on their dragons.

You, on the other hand, are left to watch your youngest brothers. You spend your days trying to entertain a seven year old Joffery, corral a four year old Aegon III, and keep a two year old Viserys II from eating loose stone. And even with the help of the wetnurses and maids, it is a daunting task.

During the night, your mind wanders to Aemond. At first you were angry, fuming, at the fact that he could stand aside and let his brother usurp the throne. That he would then, in turn, ask you to leave your own family behind. Then, you were sad. You would sit in your bed night after night and reread all of the letters he had sent you over the years. From the beginning, when you had first moved to Dragonstone. When he had first asked to meet with you in private, in the very same spot you had just days ago said goodbye to him. To the few letters he had sent in the days following your last meeting.

Meet me at the island, please. I need to see you one last time.

I waited for you. I will wait again tonight. Please come.

I am to leave King's Landing tomorrow, please meet with me tonight. Kostilus, ñuha jorrāelagon, (Please, my love,). I will be waiting, as always.

I leave today. Avy jorrāelan (I love you)

Luke was the first of your brothers to return.

He had been badly burned. The right side of his body had taken the brunt of it, the skin peeling and red. Arrax was only slightly better, his wings and scales singed and ash covered. Luke’s screams echoed throughout the whole of Dragonstone as the Maester’s worked to help him. After hours of listening to him cry and scream, you had had enough.

You walked along the coastline, fighting to keep your composure. In the end, it was a losing battle. You screamed, chucking rocks into the ocean and kicking sand around until you exhausted yourself. Collapsing to the ground, you wailed. For you or for Luke, you couldn’t tell. You cried for what must have been hours, every frustration and tension leaving your body. Over time you tired, curling into yourself, your eyes drifting closed.

You woke up in your room, laying overtop the blankets of your bed, still clothed for the day. Glancing outside you could see that night had long taken over, the sky filled with a crescent moon and glittering stars.

“You’re awake,” you turn to find your mother sitting in a lounge chair by the hearth. Rhaenyra stands, walking over to you and placing the back of her hand against your forehead. “Are you feeling alright, darling? We hadn’t seen you for hours and then Ser Erryk had carried you inside. He said he found you on the shore, asleep and trembling.” Her voice was laced with worry.

“I went for a walk to get some fresh air and grew tired.. I must have fallen asleep.” You say, “I’m sorry to have worried you.”

She sits next to you on the bed, pulling you against her in a hug and petting your hair. “It’s alright darling, I’m just happy you're safe.” The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the night.

Rhaenyra speaking breaks the silence. At first, you don't realize she had asked you a question. But when she repeats herself, your blood runs cold.

“You were close with your uncle Aemond… weren’t you?” You pull back from her, sitting up to look at your mother.

“Why do you ask?” You inquire, heart beating loudly in your chest.

“In truth, I’ve noticed that something has changed in you. I had no hope of knowing what it was without you telling me and had long resigned myself to not knowing… until tonight.” Your mother paused, standing from your bed and walking over to the small table next to the lounge she had been resting on. Your heart beats impossibly louder inside you as she picks up the letters Aemond had sent you. You had forgotten to put them away. “I read some of them… it’s nice.. that you had formed a good relationship with your uncle. You are perhaps the only one of us that could…”

You watch as she measures her next words, thinking over the best way to say them.

“But, I hope you will understand that this cannot and will not continue.”

You stand abruptly, “What! Why? Because of Aegon? Because of this fight between you and Queen Alicent?”

“Not just that dear.” She walks over to you, running her hands down your arms and grabbing your hands gently, “It’s–“

Interrupting her, pull your hands out of her grasp, walk out onto the balcony, and cross your arms over your chest. Turning to face her as she follows you, “It’s what? I need a reason, an explanation. A good one, not just some excuse about who his family is.”

“Aemond is the one responsible for Luke’s pain,” she says calmly.

Whatever anger you held in that moment shattered. “He… n-no.. you’re lying! He may have had his problems with Luke when they were children.. but he’d never give that sort of command! Aemond wouldn’t do that!” You wrap your arms around yourself as you begin to pace. “It isn’t true,” you whisper as if trying to comfort yourself.

Your mother stands in place, watching your inner battle. Her expression shows nothing but sympathy as she speaks again, “He didn’t just command it, dear..” Her words are gentle.

You abruptly stop, facing away from your mother. “You don’t– He didn’t–“ you struggle to find the words, tears clouding your vision.

“He… Aemond was the one to burn Luke.” Your mother’s words are drowned out by the ringing that fills your ears. Letting out a sharp cry, you drop to your knees sobbing. You jerk away from your mothers touch when she tries to console you with a hand placed on your shoulder. “Leave.” You whisper, crying into your hands. You listen as Rhaenyra’s footsteps recede and the door to your room opens and closes.

You didn’t leave your room for days… maybe even a full week. Servants brought food to you, even if most of it didn’t remain in your stomach. Most days you didn’t dress, remaining in your sleepwear and staring blankly out across the sea. When you weren’t transfixed on the water, you were sat at your desk. You wrote what must have been dozens of short letters, none of which would ever be sent.

How could you?

Did your hatred for Luke outweigh your love for me?

Why did you do it?

I hate you.

I’ll never forgive you.

I still love you.

It’s when Jace returns from the North that you finally decide to leave the safety of your room. Dressed for the first time in days, you join the council to welcome your brother, much to your mothers surprise.

“Welcome home, Prince Jacaerys.” Your mother spoke warmly. “What news do you bring us?”

Your brother bowed his head in greeting, one hand resting over top the hilt of his sword. “The Lady Jeyne Arryn has pledged her support to you. In return, she requests a dragon be sent for protection.”

Your mother nods approvingly, “and the North?”

“Lord Cregan Stark has promised two thousand men…” Jace hesitates slightly, glancing to you and then to your mother.

“Does he request something in return?” You ask.

He nods, answering. “Yes, He asks for (Y/N)’s hand in marriage.”

Your eyes widen and you watch your mother. Nothing in her expression gives away what she is thinking as she replies with a gentle, “Please send a raven North. Let Lord Stark know we will accept the terms of his offer.”

“What?” You say loudly, “Mother you can’t be serious!”

“We need to secure-“ Your mother starts, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“-Secure all the support we can.” You finish for her. “I know. But marrying me off to someone… a stranger at that? Sending me North? You’re okay with that?!”

She sighs deeply, placing her hand against the table. “Give us the room.” At her words, everyone in the room left. All but you and Jace, who hovered by the door, unsure of what to do. “Jacaerys, you may leave as well… go get cleaned up. Visit your brother.”

“Mother I–“ You start to say. After the door thuds shut behind your brother.

Rhaenyra shushes you, standing and walking over to you. Her jaw is clenched as she takes your hands in hers. Exhaling sharply through her nose and closing her eyes briefly to gather her thoughts. “I don’t want to send you away. I don’t want you to be seen as a prize or bargaining chip.” She reaches up to cup your face, “You are my daughter.. My first born… But I have to make choices I don’t want to make.”

Her voice cracks and you can see a tear fall down her cheek. Your brow furrows as you step away from her, shaking your head in disbelief. “No…” you say softly, almost in a whisper.

“We need the men,” She follows after you carefully, like you’re a wild animal that she is trying to tame. “The Starks are good people… they’re loyal and just… you’ll be safe there… protected.”

“But I won’t be happy.” You spit.

“You don’t know that..” Your mother bargains.

“I will be miserable. I will be nothing more than a trophy won in a war. A bargaining chip. A piece of the puzzle. A pawn in your game to move as you wish!” You scream at her.

She eyes you sympathetically, her expression holding nothing but pity. She sighs deeply before calling for Ser Erryk. “Take her to her room. She is not to leave Dragonstone until I have given explicit permission. I want one guard posted outside her door and her dragon is to be supervised at all hours. She goes nowhere without a guard or me. Am I understood?”

“Mother–“

“Yes, My lady.” Ser Erryk grabs your arm firmly, not enough to hurt but enough that you can’t twist out of it. He escorts you back to your room. Muttering a quiet apology before shutting the door.

You spent the next week pacing in your room. Throwing things against the door while screaming until your throat was raw. At first, your mother would try to visit only to be turned away with insults or ignored completely. Jace would sit with after night had fallen and update you on Luke’s recovery. The only happiness you felt was in hearing that Luke was fine. He would scar, but otherwise be okay. Even his walking was expected to recover nearly completely over time. These conversations were possibly the only reason you hadn’t gone insane.

On the seventh day of your confinement, you overheard the guards outside your door speaking with each other.

“How long do you think this’ll continue? I’m gettin’ bored of standin’ outside a door for hours.” One whispered.

“Not much longer I think,” There was a long pause where all you could hear was the slight shifting of metal. “I heard that Lord Stark is sailin’ here to claim his prize.” The second guard jokes, groaning after what sounds like he got hit in the stomach.

“Don’t speak about the Princess like that.. she could hear ya.” The first guard whisper-yells.

At the mention of Stark, you paled. Your heart stuttered and your breathing increased. Stepping away from the door you rushed out to the balcony, hands gripping the short stone wall so hard you cut your hand in a few places. You can’t feel the pain though, as you struggle to catch your breath. Tears cloud your vision for the thousandth time in the past three weeks. Slumping to the floor as your legs give out, you draw them towards your chest. Wrapping your arms around them tightly.

You sit there, gulp down whatever air you can for what feels like forever. You distantly hear a knock at your door. And another when you don’t answer. A few moments pass silently before the sound of a door opening startles you. You quickly push yourself backwards, attempting to hide within the shadows of the setting sun. Fearing that Lord Stark was closer than you assumed, that he had arrived at Dragonstone to take you.

Instead, in the archway leading to your balcony stood Luke. He walked with wooden crutches to support his weight and he had bandages adorning his right leg and most of his right arm. He carefully made his way to you. Unable to crouch or kneel, he leans back against the short wall.

Looking at you with concern and confusion, “What’s wrong.. am I so horribly disfigured that you hide from me?” He tries to joke. Hoping to lighten the mood and set you at ease.

You don’t move, only lifting your head to meet his eyes. “I can’t stay here…” you whisper, it’s barely audible over the breeze that passes through. When Luke doesn’t respond you speak again, “I need to leave… please Luke, I need help.. I can’t be forced into a marriage.. please– please help me..” you beg.

Luke considers you for a moment, deep in thought, before he speaks again. Sighing loudly, “Fine…” he says finally. “Tonight, after the guards last check, tie your sheets together and anchor them to the balcony. Climb down them and get to the shore line on the far east, there is a small boat tied to some rocks. No one will see you with how dark it gets, and by the time they do you’ll be gone.”

You take in his words, committing them to memory, before standing slowly. “Thank you, Luke..” You hug him, mindful of his wounds.

By the time Luke leaves your room, the sun has set completely and the moon is visible. As he leaves, you thank him one last time and ask how he knew of the boat. Luke simply turns to look at you over his shoulder and mutters a quiet,

“I have my secrets like everyone else.”

The moon was at its highest by the time you reached King’s Landing. You pulled the hood of your cloak over your head to conceal your face as you carefully walked through the streets.

Quietly you slinked through hidden hallways of the Red Keep, following the same winding path you have for years. Stopping only once you stood in front of the familiar backing to a painting. You strained your ears, listening for movement in the room on the other side of the painting. When you heard nothing after several minutes, you slowly pushed the painting away from the wall and climbed out into the room. Before you can put the painting back into place, you’re shoved against the wall with a dagger placed at your throat.

“I thought you’d be happy to see me..” You joke weakly. The dagger hits the floor with a loud clink and your hood is yanked off of your head. Hands grip your biceps tightly, as if afraid that you’ll run the second their grip loosens.

“Is it– Are you really here?” Aemond whispers into the space between you. He isn’t wearing his eyepatch, the sapphire gem reflecting the light from the fireplace.

You reach a hand up and gently trace along his scar, just as you had so many times in the past. You give him a small smile as tears well up in your eyes like they had so many times these past weeks. Although, unlike the other tears you’ve shed, these are tears of joy.

“I’m here…” you reassure Aemond, resting your forehead against his. “I’ve missed you..”

Aemond breathes a sigh, his shoulders slumping as he relaxes. His hands move from your biceps, one cupping the side of your face and neck while the other rests against your hip. The two of you stand in silence, enjoying the peace of being near each other. Of being in the other's embrace.

“I wrote to you…” he whispered.

“I know.” You respond equally as quiet. “I wrote many responses.. and even more questions… none of which I could bring myself to send.”

Aemond took a shuddering breath, pulling back to look you in the eye. He cupped your face in both hands, his thumbs rubbing against your cheeks, “I’m sorry… about Luke, I– I didn’t mean to hurt him…”

You shush him, bring your hands to rest on his forearms. “I believe you,”

He swallows, Adams apple bobbing, carefully asking “Did– is Luke… dead?”

You’re shaking your head no before he finishes his question. “Luke is alive and healing. He will be fine.”

Aemond nods. It’s a small, barely there, movement that had you not been so close to him you wouldn’t have seen it.

As silence falls over the two of you once again, you gently remove his hands from your face. Releasing them only to remove your cloak. You grab one of Aemond’s hands and guide him to his bed, softly instructing him to lay down. You climb into the bed after him, curling up alongside his body with your head resting against his chest. He holds you against him with an arm around your back that rests on your hip. His other hand lays flat against his stomach.

“Why did you come here?” Aemond asks. You can hear his heart beating against his chest, a dead giveaway to how unsure he is. “Why return to me? When I waited for you… I was sure I’d never see you again..”

“I needed to leave…” you say simply. Your hand traces nonsense along his torso and over the back of his hand. “Dragonstone was becoming a prison…”

You feel Aemond tense beside you. “What do you mean?” He asks carefully.

You sigh deeply, “While my eldest brothers were off on their dragons, securing allies for our mother, I was stuck on Dragonstone babysitting my youngest brothers…” as if he can sense your hesitation in continuing, Aemond squeezes your arm reassuringly. “When Luke returned… my mother practically doubled the workload of the guards. Especially those that protected my brothers and I.. it was all very suffocating.”

“And this caused you to leave?” He asked carefully. You shifted in his arms, propping yourself up on one elbow.

“Yes… but not just that…” You trail off again, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth.

Aemond watched you worriedly as you swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat. “What is it, Issa jorrāelagon (my love)? What happened?”

“Lord Cregan Stark asked for my hand in marriage… and in return, he promised two thousand men. My mother accepted and, when I refused, she locked me inside my room.” Your jaw clenched as anger welled inside you, Aemond’s arm tightening around your waist. “I sat there for a week… trapped and miserable, with guards outside my door and under my balcony all day and all night. I could do nothing but sit and wait. When I heard that Lord Stark would soon be arriving.. I decided, for sure, that I needed to leave.. funny enough, it was Luke who helped.. whether or not he knew of us I couldn’t say…”

Aemond was quiet for a moment. Taking in what you had experienced, the fact that your own mother would do this surprised him. He expected it from his own mother… but he always assumed yours cared more for her children than Alicent. “What matters is that you are here now. And I will not let you go again.” Another beat of silence. “Marry me, Issa jorrāelagon (my love).”

You breathe out a quick laugh gazing down at Aemond. “That alone would start a war, Aemond… our families would never allow it…”

“Then we won’t tell them.” He sits up hastily, nearly knocking his forehead against yours in the process. “We can leave. Leave Kings Landing… leave Dragonstone.. hells, even lease Westeros if need be.”

“Aemond–“ he continues to speak, cutting you off.

“We can start a new life together.. just us, our dragons… maybe a kid or two somewhere down the line..”

“I–I would really like that..” you say, smiling dreamily as you imagine it. “We should leave soon.. they’ll notice I’m gone come sunrise..”

“Then we will leave before that..” Aemond guides you to lay back against the bed, smirking as he kisses along your jaw.

“We should leave now.. no one is awake… no one would notice.” You whisper. You gasp as he licks along your neck. Your skin heats up from the warmth of his breath as he sucks against your pulse point, likely leaving a mark. You feel him hum a ‘no’ against your skin as he continues to kiss gently along your neck and collarbone. “Aemond~” you drawl.

Stopping his assault on your neck, he lifts up to meet your gaze, “We will leave… as soon as I’ve had a taste of you..”

Aemond returns his attention to your neck as his hands work deftly to remove your dress. The feel of the soft fabric sliding down and off of your body elicits goosebumps and the chill of the room hitting your skin causes you to shiver. Aemond kisses every newly exposed part of flesh, marking his way down your body. Sitting back in his heels, he tugs the dress off of your legs and tosses it aside. Your underwear follows suit.

“This feels a little one sided,” you joke, looking through half lidded eyes.

He simply laughs to himself, tugging his own shirt up over his head and tossing it to join your dress. His pants follow soon after along with his underwear. Quirking an eyebrow he smirks at you, “Better, issa jorrāelagon (my dear)?” He teases.

Aemond hooks his arms under each of your thighs as he makes himself comfortable between them. He lays his hands flat against your stomach and gently kisses your inner thigh. You watch with bated breath as he sticks out his tongue and runs it through your folds. The tip barely manages to push inside you before it is removed again. He groans against you, the vibrations causing your hips to stutter. Aemonds hands held you in place, trapped against him as he devoured you like a starved man.

“Aemond! Fuck.. oh gods, it feels good!” You moan. Despite the hold he has on you, your hips manage to grind against him with small circular motions. One hand fists the sheets below you as the other tangles into his hair.

Aemond lifts his head to look at you, licking his lips before saying, “Nyke jorrāelagon se sylutegon hen ao, issa dōna (I love the taste of you, my sweet),” One of his hands shifts down so that his thumb lays overtop your clit. You gasp as he begins to circle his thumb around it. “It’s sweet and far more addictive than any wine in the whole of Westeros.”

Your breath catches on a moan as Aemond continues to ravish you. He thrusts his tongue into you as far as it will go while his thumb quickly works over your sensitive clit. You writhe against him as you bring your hand up to cup your breast, flicking and pulling at your nipple. Your eyes shut as your head falls back against the pillows, back arching, as two fingers join his tongue. His fingers curl inside you, coaxing moans and shuddering gasps from your mouth. Heat pools in the bottom of your stomach as your climax rapidly approaches, Aemonds name falling from your lips like a prayer, begging for more. His tongue and fingers working in earnest as you writhe against him feverishly. The hand in his hair gripping and anchoring him against you. Your thighs tremble on either side of his head as your orgasm explodes through you. Your eyes rolling back and head falling limply to the side with a drawn out moan flowing from your mouth.

Aemond works you through your climax, thumb gently rubbing over your clit as his tongue and fingers slowly continue to stretch your entrance. It isn’t until you’re whining and struggling against him from overstimulation, that he stops and pulls back. Making a show of sucking his fingers, soaked with your release, into his mouth and moaning around them before pulling them out with a pop.

He looks over your body, skin glistening in the candle light. His eyes darken and he smiles. You meet his gaze as he crawls up the length of your body and captures your lips with his own. You moan into him, your tongues dancing against each other and you can taste yourself on him. Your arms wrap around his middle, hooking up to rake your nails down his back. You smirk into the kiss, hearing his sharp intake of breath and feeling his muscles spasm under your hands. You break the kiss, pulling his bottom lip with your teeth gently. He growls, chasing after your lips. You smile, chuckling lightly at his failed attempts to recapture your lips as you turn your face away from him. You position your mouth next to his ear, biting the lobe gently.

“Nyke jorrāelagon ao isse issa, sir (I need you in me, now).” You whisper into his ear before licking the shell of it. “Kostilus gaomagon daor mazverdagon issa umbagon (Please do not make me wait).”

Aemond shifts above you reaching a hand down and running it through your folds before quickly fisting his cock, using your arousal to slick himself. He guides his length to your entrance, prodding against you. “Skorkydoso kostagon nyke vestragon daor skori ao epagon sīr sȳrī (How can I say no when you ask so well)?”

Slowly, He pushes in. “You’re doing so well, issa jorrāelagon (my love).” Aemond praises. He runs his hands soothingly over your body, trying to help you relax as you adjust to his size. “You’re taking me so well… sīr vok (so perfect)... made just for me,” He groans, bottoming out inside you.

He remains still, placing kisses against your shoulders, your jaw, your temple, any part of you his mouth could reach. Whispering praises into your ear and against your mouth as he kisses you softly.

After a few moments of his gentle kisses and featherlight caresses, you shift your hips against him. “You- you can move now…”

Aemond sets a slow pace. Languidly thrusting into you as he continued to kiss the exposed skin of your neck and shoulder. Your hands roam over the expanse of his torso, feeling the muscles shift under your touch with each roll of his hips. You move a hand up to cup the side of Aemond’s face, pulling him to you. You lightly press your lips to his scar before kissing his lips. Pulling away from the kiss, he rests his forehead against yours. His forearms, placed on either side of your head, support him as the two of you enjoy the feel of being so closely entwined. You roll your hips to meet his with every thrust in, moaning as you feel him sink deeper into you.

As Aemonds arms tire, he repositions the two of you. He now lays behind you with his arms wrapped around your torso as he rocks into you from behind. In this position Aemond can freely run his hands over your body. One hand coming down to work over your clit, matching the speed of his thrusts. You cant your hips back against him as best you can, growing closer to release and seeking out more pleasure. The sound of Aemond’s breathy groans next to your ear only spurring you on.

Aemond finishes first, hips stuttering as he releases inside you. His breath is hot on the back of your neck as he groans before panting against you. You follow soon after, climaxing around his cock as his hand still works over your clit. As your body relaxes into his, Aemond pulls out.

He untangles himself from you, standing from the bed with a hushed promise of returning as your whine. When he does return, it’s with a rag and sleepwear. Aemond gently cleans his spend from between your legs before cleaning himself off. He tosses the rag into a wicker basket, quickly dresses himself and then helps your sluggish body into the garments. Finally, he climbs back into the bed behind you, pulling a blanket up over your bodies.

You turn to face Aemond, tucking yourself against him as he wraps his arms around you once again. He kisses your forehead, whispering promises of the future you two will have. “Rest for now, issa jorrāelagon (my love), We’ll leave soon.” He whispered to you, his own eye feeling heavy. It wasn’t long until you both had drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

You stir slightly at the sound of a door opening and armored footsteps rushing into the room. In your sleep dreary state, you think nothing of it. Snuggling back against Aemond.

It isn’t until you are being forcefully pulled from the bed that you comprehend that something is wrong. You scream and thrash against the man that is holding you, kicking your feet wildly and twisting your body to try and loosen his grip. The man's grip remains secure throughout your flailing, and eventually you give up.

Aemond is on his feet in seconds, dagger in hand, as he watches the men that had entered his room. Kings Guards. He scowls, taking notice of the several fully armored guards now standing in around him. His gaze shoots to where you stand when he hears you whimper. Shackles had been placed tightly around your wrists. Aemond starts to walk towards you, but is stopped by two Kings Guards as they each grab an arm. He fights against them, trying to pull his arms free only to stop at the sound of heels entering the room.

“What is the meaning of this?” Aemond snarls, fighting against the guards' hold.

“She is a traitor to the crown.” Queen Alicent responds calmly, her hands clasped in front of her. “We have it in good faith that she is here to either spy or harm the king and his family. Neither are risks I am willing to take.”

“She is of no concern to you.” He manages to free one arm, “She will not harm anyone here, you have my word, mother. Let her go. She will leave Kingslanding and not return. This need not go any farther.” Aemond bargains, pleading with his mother with more emotion than Queen Alicent had seen from him.

Queen Alicent considers her son for a moment, watching as his gaze shifts to yours. His eye softening as he tries to reassure you silently. The hand he had pulled free twitching at his side as if fighting to not reach for you. She turns her gaze to you, shaking slightly in fear but trying not to show it. Your eyes, wide as a doe, never leaving Aemond’s as you take in rapid breaths.

“Take her to the dungeons,” She spoke authoritatively.

“No!” Aemond roars, fighting harder against the guards trying to restrain him.

“Aemond!” You say, panicking as the guards force you out of the room. Aemond yells, just barely managing to free his second arm before a guard punches him in the stomach. He doubles over with a groan, coughing roughly.

Queen Alicent calmly walks over to him and places her hand against his cheek. “This is for the better, my dear. This will pass with time.” She quietly says before turning and leaving the room. The guards release Aemond and he drops to the floor.

When the door to his room shuts, he slowly stands. Grabbing the nearest object, a vase of black and gold, he throws it as hard as he can. It smashes against the far wall of his room, shattering to pieces before it can even touch the ground. Aemond continues his rampage until there is no part of his room left untouched by his rage. Until he sees something laying on the floor.

Stopping dead in his tracks as he goes to smash another object, there on the floor lays your dress. Discarded carelessly earlier in the night, when Aemond still held you in his arms.

The object clatters to the floor as Aemond follows, his knees giving out beneath him. Gently and with more care than he has ever shown to anyone but you, he lifts the garment in his hands. Bringing it to his face, he inhales. He can still smell your perfume, the hints of rose intertwining with the scent of ash wood from Dragonstone.

Silent tears soak the fabric as Aemond cries, still holding the garment to him. He never thought himself a religious man, but in that moment, Aemond prayed. He prayed, to any god that would listen or care, for your safety. And that you would return to him.

Aemond stood on shaky legs and walked to his bed, uncaring in shards of glass cut his feet. He lay on top of his sheets, curled around your dress protectively. Aemond remains there, on the bed, crying silently until he is unable to keep his eye open.

Part 1 Part 3

#aemond targaryen #aemond x reader #aemond x you #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen imagine #hotd #house of the dragon #house of the dragon fanfiction #hotd imagine #ewan mitchell

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gyutopia · 7 months ago

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bad habits | sim jaeyun + yang jungwon

ꕤ DESCRIPTION: Sim Jaeyun will always have a part of your heart; he was the first man you ever loved and the first man to ever break your heart. Yang Jungwon however, was the first man to ever sacrifice for you and your happiness. Now that you have Jake, you can’t help but wonder if you’ve made a catastrophic mistake.

❥ PAIRING: boyfriend!jake x f!reader & situationship!jungwon

❥ GENRE: slice of life!au, college!au

❥ WORD COUNT: 17.6k

⟶ WARNINGS: soft dom!jake, sub!reader, oral (f!receiving), p in v intercourse, underaged drinking, swearing, possessive!jungwon, mentions of sobriety, heartbreak, mentions of smoking and drugs, cheating, let me know if i missed anything !

ꕤ A/N: this is the continuation of overpass graffiti…can you tell i’m an ed sheeran lover? :)

“Am I doing something wrong?” Jake asks as he lifts his head from your core.

It’s currently around three in the morning, you woke up a few minutes ago unable to find any peace in your dreams and after constantly tossing and turning, you accidentally woke up Jake who tried luring you back to sleep with a kiss which quickly escalated to heavily making out and him making his way down south.

You whine, tugging at his hair and encourage him to continue. “What makes you think you could possibly be doing something wrong?”

“You look like you’d prefer to be anywhere else.” Rather than continuing like you had told him to, Jake lets one finger graze the length of your pussy, teasing your entrance slowly to try and turn you on again after realizing you were no longer wet. “What are you thinking of, love?”

Your thoughts instantly fly back to what has been plaguing your mind for the past four days and you immediately push his hands away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jake watches you fix your pajamas which consist of his oversized shirt and boxers before pulling the sheets over your body. He follows after you, waiting for an explanation. When you say nothing, he speaks up.

“Hey, no more secrets, remember?”

He slides an arm around your waist and pulls you in closer to his body. You inhale deeply at the reminder of your words. You sigh, chewing on your lip as you try to form a sentence without possibly upsetting him.

“I know it’s just…” You trail off and try to think through your emotions. You want to be upfront with him and let him know what you’re truly thinking and feeling but you barely know how to process it yourself let alone let someone else know what’s going on in your mind.

“I don’t know how to put it into words yet.”

“If you’re not ready to talk about it,” He pulls back to offer you a lopsided smile and places a kiss on your cheek, “It’s fine. Tell me whenever you are.”

Hesitantly, you nod; kissing his cheek before turning around and letting him spoon you. As you feel him drift into sleep, the weight of his arm slumping completely over your waist, your thoughts fly back to four nights ago, when your life seemingly took a drastic turn.

After Jake professed his love to you in the rain on Newbury street, the two of you took an uber back to his dorm to dry off and talk about the logistics of your relationship. It completely slipped your mind to tell your friends where you had disappeared off to and it didn’t help that your phone had died on the way to your destination.

You were once again so wrapped up in Sim Jaeyun that you were throwing caution to the wind and yet again placing him above yourself and others in your life. It wasn’t until six hours after you had arrived at his did you bother to charge your phone. Once the device turned on, the text messages came swarming in.

[November 18th, 2:17 PM]

[jungwon]: are you on your way?

[jungwon]: the rain is coming down hard i can meet you halfway if you want. i brought an extra umbrella just in case ^-^

[November 18th, 3:27 PM]

[jungwon]: y/n? i’m getting concerned it’s pouring

[jungwon]: are you okay?

[November 18th, 5:45 PM]

[jungwon]: avi told me about jake

[jungwon]: seriously y/n? you went back to that jerk??

[November 18th, 5:48 PM]

[avi]: you just couldn’t help yourself huh?

[avi]: i hope jake was worth it lol

[November 18th, 5:50 PM]

[beomgyu]: :/

[beomgyu]: the least you could do is respond to jungwons texts.

[November 18th, 6:53 PM]

[avi]: do you plan on ignoring all of us?

[avi]: at least let us know you’re okay.

[November 18th, 6:55 PM]

[jungwon]: i’m sorry for getting mad earlier but please let me know you’re okay y/n

[jungwon]: i’m worried.

[jungwon]: we don’t have to talk about jake just pls let me know where you are

[November 18th, 6:59 PM]

[avi to-toilet texters]: i’m done with the private messages

[avi to-toilet texters]: where are you y/n this isn’t funny.

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: we’re not mad we just want to make sure you’re okay

[November 18th, 7:39 PM]

[avi to-toilet texters]: shit guys i’m scared

[avi to-toilet texters]: should we call the cops?

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: wait let’s try her location first

[avi to-toilet texters]: …do you seriously think jungwon and i haven't tried that already?

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: fuck

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: i’m sorry i’m just freaking out this isn’t like her

[jungwon to-toilet texters]: i just checked all over campus

[jungwon to-toilet texters]: she’s not here

[avi to-toilet texters]: fuck

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: fuck

[avi to-toilet texters]: this is the jake effect.

[avi to-toilet texters]: he shows up for two seconds and now look

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: avi…

To say you were embarrassed would be an understatement. You quickly responded to the groupchat letting them know about your whereabouts and the circumstances as to why it took you so long to get back to them. None of them were pleased.

Apparently, Jungwon and Beomgyu were only a minute away from marching down to the police station to file a missing persons report. Avi didn’t hold back her anger and annoyance with you. The second you responded to the group chat with your measly apology she was calling you and going in over the phone.You shiver as you think back to her cold words.

"You've really done it this time, haven't you?" she snaps, her tone cutting through the air like a knife. "I can't believe you'd be so reckless, so selfish. And for what? For that jerk?"

Her words strike a nerve, a pang of guilt twisting in your chest as you struggle to find the right response. But before you can gather your thoughts, Avi's tirade continues, her voice growing more heated with each passing moment.

"You're no better than him, you know," she continues, her words heavy with disdain. "Hurting Jungwon like that, just to chase after some guy who doesn't give a damn about you? You two deserve each other."

The weight of her words hangs heavy in the air, a painful reminder of the rift between you and your friends.

"I'm sorry, Avi," you whisper, your voice barely above a whisper. "I never meant to hurt anyone. But please, try to understand..."

But before you can finish, Avi cuts you off, her voice cold and dismissive. “Try to understand? ____, Jungwon was ready to call the cops!"

You wince at her words, the guilt weighing heavily on your shoulders. "I-I'm sorry, Avi," you stammer, your voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't mean to worry you guys. It's just... things got complicated."

"Complicated?" Avi scoffs, her disbelief evident. "You mean you were too wrapped up in Sim Jaeyun to even bother letting us know you were okay?"

Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes as you listen to her words, the reality of the situation hitting you like a punch to the gut. "I'm sorry," you repeat, your voice trembling with emotion. "I didn't mean to hurt you guys. I just... I needed some time to figure things out."

"I don't want to hear it," she snaps, her tone final. "Jungwon didn’t deserve what you did to him. You deserve the inevitable pain that comes with Jake."

With that, she ended the call, leaving you reeling in the aftermath of her anger. That was four days ago. Out of shame you’ve been hiding out in Jake’s dorm, too embarrassed to even show your face on your own campus. Jake, having heard the heated conversation from his seated position next to you on his couch, offered to let you sleep over until Avi cooled down and you felt more comfortable to go home.

But as the days come to pass you don’t think you’ll ever be ready to go back home. If there even is a home for you to go back to. Every night you fall asleep thinking of your friends and how you’ve messed things up, how they’re doing, if they miss you as much as you miss them, if they’ll ever forgive you. Especially Jungwon.

He just won’t leave your thoughts. You wake up thinking of him and fall asleep dreaming of him. You know eventually you’ll have to man up and make amends with him but a part of you fears you’ve messed up too greatly this time. That Jungwon no longer wants anything to do with you and you can’t blame him for that.

You led him on and let him hold onto the false narrative of the two of you becoming something only to leave him in the dust once Jake came around. There’s an unsettling feeling bubbling up in your chest as you once again analyze your decisions.

You’re happy with Jake, right? This is what you’ve always wanted and yet you have this gut feeling you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.

“You’re thinking too loudly, babe, please go to sleep.” Jake mumbles while yawning, pulling you closer. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

You hope so, too.

Present day | November 22nd

“Wake up!”

The sound of Jay's cheerful voice breaks through the haze of sleep, pulling you from the comfort of Jake's embrace. With a soft groan, you bury your face deeper into the warmth of the blankets, reluctant to leave the cocoon you've found.

"Wake up sleepy heads!" Jay's voice calls again, this time accompanied by the gentle shake of your shoulder.

Reluctantly, you peel open your eyes, blinking against the intrusion of light filtering in through the window. Jake stirs beside you, his arm tightening around your waist in a silent bid for you to stay a little longer.

But with a sigh, you muster the strength to sit up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you glance at Jay with a sheepish smile. "Morning," you mumble, your voice thick with sleep.

Jay grins back at you, his eyes sparkling with mischief as he gestures towards the clock on the wall. "Come on, you two. Sunghoon and Heeseung are waiting, and I made breakfast!"

The mention of food perks up Jake's interest, and he shoots you a playful grin before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "You heard the man," he says, his voice laced with excitement. "Let's go eat!"

With a shared laugh, you and Jake follow Jay out of the bedroom and into the cozy kitchenette of their dorm. The scent of freshly cooked pancakes fills the air, mingling with the aroma of brewing coffee as Jay sets the table with an infectious energy.

As you settle down to breakfast with Jake and Jay, the warmth of their friendship washes over you, bringing you genuine joy with their connection.

As you sip your coffee and dig into the delicious pancakes Jay prepared, you find yourself reflecting on the bond you've been forming with him over the past couple of days. It wasn’t easy at first, considering the tension that arose between him and Beomgyu at the party. But Jay's sincere apology and explanation about his protective nature towards Jake helped to ease the tension.

You remember how he had approached you two days ago, a sheepish smile on his face as he apologized for his near fight with Beomgyu. His explanation had made sense, and his genuine remorse had been evident. Jay's willingness to take responsibility for his actions had impressed you, and it had been the first step towards building trust between you.

And then, there was his joke about nearly stealing you away from Jake at the party, a playful comment that had brought a smile to your lips. Despite the initial awkwardness between you, Jay's sense of humor had helped to break the ice and pave the way for a more comfortable interaction.

As you glance at Jay now, chatting animatedly with Jake as they discuss their plans for the day, you can't help but feel grateful for his presence in your life. His friendship has become an unexpected source of support and laughter, adding a new dynamic to your relationship with Jake.

With a newfound sense of appreciation for the friendship blossoming between you and Jay, you join in the conversation, eagerly anticipating the group hang out with Sunghoon and Heeseung.

With a curious glint in your eyes, you turn to Jay and Jake, the question lingering on the tip of your tongue. "What are Heeseung and Sunghoon like?" you inquire, eager to learn more about their friends.

Jay's grin widens at your question, his enthusiasm contagious. "Heeseung’s the mood maker," he begins, his voice filled with admiration. "He's the most social out of all of us and always knows how to keep the energy up."

Jake nods in agreement, a fond smile playing on his lips. "Yeah, Heeseung is on the basketball team, and he's got this natural charm that draws people to him," he adds. "You'll love him."

“As for Sunghoon," Jay continues, his expression thoughtful, "he's a bit more reserved at first, but when you get to know him, he's a certified yapper. Once he warms up, he's got a lot to say."

Jake snorts, “yeah, if you thought I was bad Sunghoon’s worse, don’t get him started on Yeji or anything skating related he’ll never shut up.”

You perk up at the mention of another girl, “Yeji? Is that his girlfriend?”

Jay nearly spits out his coffee and Jake doubles over from the force of his laughter.

You frown. “What, did I say something wrong?”

Jake shakes his head and wraps his arm around your shoulder to bring you in, “No baby, Yeji is his little sister.”

Your mouth makes an O shape as it sinks in why they were so amused, “my bad.” You sheepishly murmur.

Jay wipes away a tear of laughter as he recovers, still chuckling. "No worries, happens to the best of us."

Jake gives you a reassuring squeeze before releasing you. "Yeah, Sunghoon practically worships the ground his little sister walks on," he explains, his laughter subsiding into a warm smile. "You'll see what we mean when you meet him."

With the misunderstanding cleared up, you finish up breakfast with Jake and Jay, the lively conversation and laughter filling the small kitchenette. As the last of the dishes are washed and dried, you make your way back to Jake's room to get ready for the day ahead.

As you rummage through your limited selection of clothes, Jake enters the room with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I've got something for you," he says, holding up a small shopping bag.

Curious, you peek inside to find a Harvard hoodie nestled within. It's maroon with the school's name printed on the front with its emblem up in the corner. You stare at the hoodie, not sure what to make of it. "Jake, you didn't have to..."

He cuts you off with a grin. "I wanted to," he insists, his eyes warm with affection. “I have a matching one, plus if you do decide to transfer you need to have a Harvard hoodie, it’s a rite of passage here!”

Your hum as your mind flashes back to the conversation you had with Jake a few days ago.

You were walking through Harvard’s campus on your way to his dorm. The imposing, ivy-covered buildings made you feel out of place, a stark reminder that this had once been your dream school.

"I still can't believe you're here," you had said, half in awe and half in melancholy. "I used to imagine myself walking these paths every day."

Jake had looked at you, his expression serious. "You could still be here, you know. Transferring is always an option."

You had laughed then, a little bitterly. "It's not that simple, Jake. I have friends at Northeastern, a life... And Harvard feels so far away now."

Jake had stopped walking, turning to face you. "But if it makes you happy, isn't it worth considering? We could be together, and you'd finally be living your dream."

You had sighed, looking away. "I don't know, Jake. It's a lot to think about."

Shaking off the memory, you manage a small smile, touched nonetheless by the sentiment of his gift. "Thanks, Jake. I appreciate it," you say, your mind still swirling with conflicting emotions. On one hand, the thought of transferring to Harvard, being with Jake, and starting fresh is appealing. But on the other hand, the guilt of potentially betraying Avi, Jungwon, and Beomgyu tugs at your heart. They were your first friends here, and you can’t picture a life where they’re not in it.

As you slip on the hoodie, a comfortable warmth spreads through you, though it does little to ease the turmoil inside. Jake watches you, his smile faltering slightly as he notices your pensive expression.

"Hey," he says softly, breaking the silence. "Have you given it any more thought? Transferring, I mean."

You take a deep breath, turning to face him. "Honestly, no. I haven't really had the chance to think it through."

Jake's face softens, and he steps closer, taking your hands in his. "I understand. It's a big decision. But can you promise me one thing?"

"What?" you ask, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Promise me that you'll at least think about it. Not for me, but for yourself. You deserve to follow your dreams, and I don't want you to have any regrets."

You look into his earnest eyes, feeling a mix of gratitude and guilt. "I promise, Jake. I'll think about it."

He smiles, squeezing your hands gently. "That's all I ask."

You take another deep breath, pushing aside your worries for now. "Ready to go meet your friends?" you ask, trying to keep your voice light.

Jake nods, his smile widening. "Yeah, they're excited to meet you. The MFA is going to be amazing."

You grab your tote bag and head towards the door with him once he finishes getting dressed. As you step out into the hallway, you can't help but glance back at the dorm room you've been staying in, wondering how long you'll be caught between two worlds.

You join Jay in the living room, where he's waiting with the keys to his car in hand. "Ready to go?" he asks, flashing you a grin.

You nod eagerly, excitement bubbling within you as you anticipate the day ahead. With a final glance around the room, you follow Jay and Jake out of the dorm and into the chilly afternoon, ready to meet the people Jake considers his closest friends now.

As you pile into Jay's car, the excitement in the air is palpable. Jake takes the driver's seat, you settle into the passenger side, and Jay slides into the back, sandwiched between you. The engine roars to life, and with a grin from Jake, the car pulls out onto the road.

The ride is short but lively, filled with laughter and playful banter as you share stories and jokes. The music blasts from the speakers, a mishmash of songs from all your playlists, creating the perfect soundtrack for the journey. You find yourself singing along to familiar tunes, feeling the carefree joy of the moment wash over you.

Before you know it, Jake is pulling into a parking spot near the Museum of Fine Arts, and you all pile out of the car, eager to explore the exhibits.

Heeseung and Sunghoon are already waiting by the ticket booth, chatting animatedly as they purchase the tickets for the group. Heeseung's infectious smile lights up his face as he catches sight of you, and he waves enthusiastically.

"Jay! Jake!" he calls out, his voice friendly and welcoming. "Glad you could make it. I've been looking forward to finally meeting the ever so famous, ____ ."

Jake returns his smile with one of his own. "Aye~ chill out." he replies, his tone filled with a hint of embarrassment.

Sunghoon joins in, his own smile warm and inviting. "Nice to meet you," he says, nodding in your direction. "Jake's been talking about you nonstop."

You chuckle at the teasing remark, feeling a sense of ease settle over you in their presence. Despite the nerves that come with meeting new people, Heeseung and Sunghoon's friendly demeanor puts you at ease, and you can't help but feel excited for the day ahead.

With tickets in hand, you all make your way into the museum, ready to immerse yourselves in the world of art and culture.

As your group strolls through the museum, the array of artwork captivates your attention. Jake and Sunghoon, engrossed in the intricate details of Japanese art, wander ahead, their conversation a mix of admiration and fascination. Jay, however, lags a bit behind, his steps deliberate as he scrutinizes each piece with a keen eye.

Meanwhile, Heeseung and you find yourselves falling into step, engaged in a conversation about Jake. Heeseung's relief is palpable as he expresses his happiness about the reconciliation between you and Jake.

"He's been so happy lately," Heeseung confides, his voice filled with genuine happiness for his friend. "I'm really glad you two made up. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders."

You nod in understanding. "Yeah, I'm glad we cleared the air. It feels good to be back on good terms."

Heeseung's smile widens, his eyes reflecting warmth. "You have no idea how much it means to him," he assures you.

You smile, not sure what to say in response. Sensing this Heeseung changes the topic.

“So, how do you like Boston?”

“It’s great! There’s so much to do. My friends and I love going to Newbury for the food festivals.” You say, a small smile on your face at the chance of talking about your friends.

Heeseung nods. “That sounds fun. Have you been to Allston yet? The kbbq there is incredible.”

“Not yet, but it’s on my list,” you reply. “Jake keeps promising to take me.”

Heeseung chuckles. “He’d better. It’s a must-see.”

As you continue walking through the museum, admiring the exhibits, a wave of guilt washes over you as you stare at the back of Jake’s head. Memories of the previous night flood your mind, the warmth of Jake's embrace juxtaposed with the lingering doubts about your feelings for Jungwon.

Caught between the past and the present, you struggle to push aside the nagging thoughts that something isn’t right.

Heeseung glances at you before clearing his throat to ask, “are you transferring to Harvard?”

Caught off guard, you shake your head. “Why do you ask?”

His eyes shift down to the hoodie and understanding dawns on you.

“Oh. No, it was a gift from Jake. I’m still at Northeastern.”

Heeseung nods thoughtfully. “Makes sense. But you know, if you did transfer, it would probably help Jake a lot.”

You furrow your brow in confusion. “Help him? How?”

Heeseung’s brows pinch together as he frowns, "his sobriety?”

The revelation hits you like a ton of bricks, leaving you momentarily speechless as you stop walking. You had no idea that Jake had ever struggled with substance abuse.

Heeseung's face slowly falls as he realizes his mistake, cursing softly under his breath as he realizes he's dropped a bombshell on you without warning. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice tinged with regret. "I shouldn't have just blurted that out like that, I thought he told you."

You shake your head, trying to process the newfound information while also feeling a pang of sympathy for Heeseung's evident discomfort. "No, it's okay," you assure him, offering a reassuring smile despite the whirlwind of emotions churning within you.

Heeseung's expression softens, gratitude evident in his eyes as he meets your gaze. "Thanks," he murmurs, a note of relief in his voice. "I’m sure he’ll tell you soon, he’s been meaning to."

You nod in understanding, the weight of Heeseung's words sinking in as you come to terms with the realization that there's still so much about Jake's life that you don't know. "I'll wait for him to bring it up," you promise.

With a grateful smile, Heeseung bumps you on the shoulder before turning to rejoin the rest of the group, leaving you alone with your thoughts amidst the bustling museum crowds.

As the group continues to explore the museum, you find it increasingly difficult to focus on the artwork around you. You think about Jake’s struggles and the possibility of transferring to Harvard. While the idea of being there to support him is compelling, you can’t ignore the nagging guilt about Avi, Jungwon, and Beomgyu. They’ve always been there for you, and you don’t want to let them down by choosing Jake yet again.

Despite the vibrant chatter and laughter of your friends, you feel a growing sense of unease gnawing at your conscience.

When Jake suggests grabbing some food from El Jefe, your stomach churns with conflicting emotions. The prospect of spending more time with your newfound friends is enticing, but the memories of late nights at that very restaurant with Jungwon after studying all night fills you with sadness.

As you follow the group out of the museum and into the chilly streets of Boston, you realize just how close you are to your dorm. A pang of sadness tugs at your heart as you remember Avi and Beomgyu as well, wondering what they’re up to. The thought of facing them again fills you with apprehension, yet a part of you longs for the familiarity of their company.

As you approach El Jefe, the scent of delicious Mexican food wafts through the air, tempting your taste buds but as you guys gather around a table, eagerly discussing the meal choices, you find yourself hesitating.

"I think I'm gonna pass on lunch," you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper as you address Jake and the others. "I... I need to take care of something."

Jake's brow furrows with concern as he meets your gaze, sensing the sudden shift in your demeanor. "Are you okay?" he asks, his voice filled with genuine worry.

You force a smile, though it feels strained on your lips. "Yeah, I'll be fine," you assure him, though the lie tastes bitter in your mouth.

Heeseung, Jay, and Sunghoon exchange puzzled glances, sensing the tension in the air. But before anyone can question you further, you push back your chair and rise to your feet, the need for solitude outweighing the discomfort of their curious stares.

"Sorry, I just... I need to talk to someone," you explain vaguely, not wanting to burden them with the weight of your emotions.

Jake's expression softens with understanding, and he nods in silent acknowledgment of your unspoken plea. "Take all the time you need," he says gently, reaching out to squeeze your hand in a silent gesture of support.

With a grateful smile, you offer him a nod before turning on your heel and making your way out of the restaurant, the familiar ache of loneliness lingering in your chest.

First, you head to Wollaston's to buy cherry gummy bears for Jungwon. The bright, familiar packaging gives you a momentary sense of comfort, a small reminder of the inside jokes and shared moments with your friends.

With the gummy bears safely tucked into your bag, you make your way to your dorm room, your heart pounding with a mix of anticipation and anxiety.

Taking a deep breath, you push open the door and step into the lit hallway, the sound of your footsteps echoing against the walls. With each step, the tension in your shoulders mounts, the anticipation of facing Avi after so long weighing heavily on your mind.

Finally, you reach your dorm and let yourself in. You spot Avi’s shoes at the entrance, proving she’s home, but you find the little living room and kitchen empty, meaning she’s in her room. You walk up to her door and pause for a moment, gathering your thoughts before raising your hand to knock. The seconds tick by agonizingly slow, the silence stretching between you like a chasm.

Then, the door swings open, and there she stands, with her piercing gaze and arms crossed tightly across her chest. The tension in the air is palpable as you meet her eyes, the weight of unspoken words hanging heavy between you.

“Avi, can we talk?” you ask softly, stepping into the room.

Avi looks down, her eyes narrowing when she notices the Harvard hoodie. “What do you want?” she asks, her tone guarded.

“I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be,” you start, taking a deep breath. “I’ve been so wrapped up in Jake that I’ve neglected you and everyone else. I’m really sorry.”

Avi’s eyes flicker with uncertainty. “You’re wearing a Harvard hoodie. Are you already planning to leave us?”

“No,” you say quickly, shaking your head. “It was a gift from Jake. He talked to me about transferring, but I don’t want to leave my friends. You all mean too much to me.”

Avi studies you for a moment, her expression softening just a bit. “It feels like you’ve already left us, though.”

“I know,” you admit, feeling the sting of her words. “And I’m really sorry. I’ve been a terrible friend. But I want to make it right.”

Before Avi can respond, you hear a familiar voice from behind her. “She’s telling the truth, Avi,” Beomgyu says, coming into view. He’s sitting on the other side of her bed, partially hidden by her fugue. “She seems sincere.”

You turn to Beomgyu, your heart aching. “I’m so sorry, Beomgyu. I’ve been awful to you all, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking for it anyway. Please, give me a chance to make things right.”

Beomgyu looks at Avi, who sighs and nods slightly. He then turns back to you. “It’s going to take time, but I think we can give you that chance.”

Relief floods through you, and you feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. “Thank you. I promise I’ll do better.”

Avi gets up and walks over to you, pulling you into a hesitant hug. “Just don’t disappear on us again, okay?”

You nod, hugging her tightly. “I won’t. I promise.”

Beomgyu joins the hug, and for a moment, the three of you stand there, holding onto each other. When you finally pull away, you wipe your eyes and smile.

Avi breaks the silence with a question that catches you off guard. "So, how are things with Jake?" she asks, her tone hesitant yet curious.

Avi's question lingers in the air, and you take a moment to gather your thoughts before responding. "Things with Jake... they're actually going better than I thought," you admit, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. "I've met all of his friends, and they're actually really sweet."

Avi's eyebrows raise in surprise, though there's a hint of skepticism in her expression. "Really? Even Jay?" she asks, her voice laced with doubt.

You nod, feeling a pang of guilt at the mention of Jay's name. "Yeah, even Jay," you confirm. "He's been... really nice to me." You turn to Beomgyu. “He even apologized for how he came at you at the party. I'm sure if he saw you again, he'd apologize to you as well.”

Beomgyu nods softly and shrugs. “Water under the bridge? I'm glad you guys are getting along."

You offer Beomgyu a grateful smile before turning back to Avi. "I know we've got a lot to catch up on, but there's one more person I need to make amends with," you explain, your voice tinged with regret. "I need to talk to Jungwon."

Avi's expression softens at the mention of Jungwon's name, understanding dawning in her eyes. "Yeah, you do," she agrees quietly. "But take your time. He'll come around."

You nod and turn to Beomgyu who offers you a tight-lipped smile. “He should be in our room. He’s probably packing for Thanksgiving break,” Beomgyu offers as he lays back down on Avi’s bed. Your brows furrow at that.

“He’s going back to Korea?”

Beomgyu hums. “Said he needs the mental break.”

Avi sighs, sitting back down beside Beomgyu. “I was hoping we could all spend Thanksgiving together like we planned but I get he needs space.”

“I know,” you say, feeling a pang of guilt. “I didn’t realize things had gotten so bad for him.”

Beomgyu’s eyes soften. “He’s been really stressed. With everything that’s been happening, I think he just needs to get away and clear his head.”

“Maybe talking to him will help,” Avi suggests. “Even if he’s leaving, he deserves to know how much you care.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. “I hope so. I really don’t want to lose him as a friend.”

Beomgyu gives you a reassuring smile. “Just be honest with him. He’ll appreciate that, even if he’s still upset.”

“Thanks, Beomgyu,” you say softly. “I’m going to go talk to him now.”

Avi stands and gives you another quick hug. “Good luck. We’ll be here if you need us.”

With a nod, you leave Avi’s room and your dorm all together, your heart heavy. As you walk down the hallway towards Beomgyu and Jungwon’s shared dorm, your mind races with thoughts of how to approach Jungwon. The closer you get, the more you feel the weight of your actions and their impact on your friends.

When you reach your destination, the door is slightly ajar. You push it open gently and see Jungwon inside, methodically folding clothes and placing them into his suitcase in the living room. The sight of him packing feels like a punch to the gut, knowing that his departure is partly your fault.

“Jungwon,” you start tentatively, stepping inside.

He doesn’t look up, his movements precise and mechanical. “What do you want?”

“I came to apologize,” you say, holding out the gummy bears. “And I brought these. I know they’re your favorite.”

Jungwon glances at the gummy bears, then back to his suitcase. “You think gummy bears are going to fix this?”

“No,” you say quickly. “I just wanted to show you that I care. I’ve been a terrible friend, and I know I’ve hurt you.”

He finally stops packing and looks at you, his expression a mix of hurt and anger. “Do you even realize what you’ve done? It’s like we don’t matter to you.”

“That’s not true,” you say, your voice trembling. “You mean the world to me.”

Jungwon shakes his head. “If we meant so much to you, you wouldn’t have treated us like this. Do you know how it feels to watch the girl you’re in love with settle for some douchebag like Jake?”

Your breath catches. “Jungwon, I didn’t know…”

“Of course you didn’t,” he snaps. “Because you never took the time to see what was right in front of you. You were too busy chasing after Jake.”

“Jungwon, I…” you trail off, trying to find the right words. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He scoffs. “You didn’t mean to, but you did. Over and over again. And the worst part is, you don’t even see it. The way you so willingly left Avi, Beomgyu, and me behind for Jake is alarming. I never knew you were this self-absorbed.”

Tears well up in your eyes. “Jungwon, please. I’m trying to make things right.”

He sighs, looking more tired than angry now. “You can’t just come back and expect everything to be okay. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not fair.”

“I know,” you say, your voice breaking. “But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness.”

Jungwon stares at you for a long moment. “If you want my forgiveness, you need to make a choice. Him or me.”

Your heart sinks. “Jungwon, please don’t make me choose.”

“I’m serious,” he says, his voice cold.

Desperate, you try to shift the conversation. “What about our Thanksgiving plans?”

Jungwon scoffs. “Spend it with Jake,” he retorts, his gaze flicking to the Harvard hoodie you’re wearing. “You know, the one who got you that hoodie. Remember when you said Harvard was your past and you were ready to focus on me and Northeastern? What a load of crap.”

You feel a surge of desperation. “Jungwon, please. I was confused. I didn’t know this would happen!”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” His voice rises, frustration clear. “That’s such bullshit! First you picked Jake over us, it was like a slap in the face. And now, you show up wearing that hoodie, like it’s some badge of honor.”

“It’s just a hoodie,” you protest weakly. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means everything!” Jungwon shouts, slamming his suitcase shut. “It’s a symbol of all the times you put Jake first. You said you were done with Harvard, done with him being your priority, but here we are.”

“Jungwon, I’m sorry,” you plead, tears streaming down your face. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you, Avi, and Beomgyu. You’re my best friends.”

“Then why do you treat us like we’re second best?” he demands, his voice breaking. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie,” you whisper. “I was just… lost. Jake is my first love, and I got caught up in that. But you, Avi, and Beomgyu are my family. I don’t want to lose you.”

Jungwon’s expression softens for a brief moment, but then hardens again. “You already have,” he says quietly. “You’ve pushed me away too many times. I can’t trust you anymore.”

“What can I do?” you ask, desperation lacing your voice. “Tell me, and I’ll do it.”

“If you want my forgiveness, you need to make a choice. Him or me,” he repeats firmly.

“Jungwon, please,” you beg. “Don’t make me choose.”

“I’m serious,” he says, his voice cold. “I can’t watch you destroy yourself over Jake. So, make a choice.”

You stand there, speechless and trembling, the weight of his ultimatum pressing down on you. Jungwon looks away, his expression hardened. “Just go. I need to finish packing.”

Desperate and broken, you try one last time. “Jungwon, please…”

But he’s already turned his back on you, continuing to pack as if you aren’t there. With a heavy heart, you turn and leave the dorm, feeling more lost and alone than ever. As you walk down the hallway back to your room, the tears finally spill over, blurring your vision. The realization that you might have just lost one of your closest friends hits you hard.

The door to your dorm opens again, and Avi steps out, her face soft with concern. She takes one look at your tear-streaked face and pulls you into another hug, her grip tight and reassuring. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispers, her voice steady. “We’ll figure this out together.”

Beomgyu joins the two of you, “We’re here for you,” he says quietly. “No matter what happens.”

You take a shaky breath, still enveloped in Avi’s comforting embrace. “I don’t understand why Jungwon was so cold and closed off,” you say, your voice trembling, not used to being on the receiving end of his anger.

Avi pulls back slightly, enough to look you in the eyes. “It’s a given he’s upset. You’re important to him, and he feels hurt and betrayed. But that doesn’t mean he won’t come around. He just needs time.”

Beomgyu nods in agreement. “Jungwon’s always been the calm and understanding one, but everyone has their breaking point. He’s just reached his. Give him some space to process everything. He loves you too much to stay mad forever.”

You nod, feeling a glimmer of hope through the despair. “I just wish I hadn’t hurt him so badly.”

“We all make mistakes,” Avi says gently. “At least you’re trying to make up for it now.”

Beomgyu pats your shoulder. “Yeah, plus we’re here to help you.”

A small smile forms on your lips as you take in their words. “Thank you, both of you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Avi squeezes your hand. “You don’t have to worry about that because we’re not going anywhere. We’ll get through this together.”

Feeling a bit lighter, you take a deep breath and straighten up. “I need to figure out how to fix things with Jungwon. But for now, I guess I should let him have his space.”

“That’s a good idea,” Beomgyu agrees. “Let him cool down. In the meantime, let’s focus on spending some time together. We’ve missed you.”

“Yeah,” Avi adds, her tone brightening. “Let’s do something fun.”

You smile, feeling a bit of the tension ease from your shoulders. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you guys too.”

With Avi and Beomgyu by your side, you start to walk back towards your bedroom.

November 28th | Thanksgiving Day

“This isn’t how I pictured Friendsgiving going.” Avi clears her throat, breaking the tense silence.

You look around the room, taking in the scene. Your dorm is filled with people, but the atmosphere is anything but festive. Jake, Heeseung, Jay, and Sunghoon are here, along with Avi, Beomgyu, and yourself. The idea had been to merge friend groups for Thanksgiving/Chuseok, a suggestion from Avi and Beomgyu in an attempt to bridge the growing divide for your sake. But now, everyone sits awkwardly on the floor, picking at their side dishes, unsure of what to do or say.

Beomgyu is the next to break the silence. “How about we play a drinking game?” he offers, a hint of forced enthusiasm in his voice. “Might help loosen the tension.”

You sneak a glance at Jake, curious to see his reaction. He still hasn’t told you about his sobriety, and you wonder how he’ll handle this situation.

Jake looks around at the expectant faces, then clears his throat. “I don’t drink,” he says simply, his voice steady. “But I don’t mind if others do. I’ll just stick to the mocktails.” He offers a small smile and raises his glass of the non-alcoholic concoction you and Avi had prepared earlier.

You nod, making a mental note to ask him about it later, despite the promise you made to Heeseung not to mention it. The curiosity is too overwhelming to ignore.

Avi looks around, trying to salvage the situation. “Okay, mocktails for some, drinks for others. Let’s just try to have a good time.”

Heeseung nods. “What about Truth or Drink? It’s a good way to get to know each other better.”

Everyone exchanges glances, and after a moment, nods of agreement ripple through the group. Heeseung takes charge, explaining the rules quickly. “You either answer the question honestly, or you take a drink. Simple as that.”

The first few rounds are tentative, with everyone choosing relatively safe questions. Gradually, the atmosphere lightens as laughter and teasing fill the room.

Jay looks at Avi. “What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Avi laughs, her cheeks flushing as she recounts a story about a high school talent show gone wrong. The room erupts in laughter, and for the first time, the tension seems to dissipate.

During Sunghoon’s turn, you excuse yourself to get a refill of more banchan from the kitchen. Avi joins you, leaning against the counter as you gather the dishes.

“You know,” Avi says, her voice low so it doesn’t carry back to the others, “Jake and his friends aren’t all that bad.”

You glance at her, surprised but pleased. “Yeah, they’re really nice once you get to know them.”

Avi nods, then her expression turns somber. “I just wish Jungwon was here. Celebrating Chuseok was for him, after all. He was starting to get homesick after missing Chuseok with his family.”

A pang of sadness hits you at the reminder. You take a deep breath, trying to push away the ache in your chest. “I know. I miss him too. But at least he gets to celebrate a real Chuseok with his family.”

Avi gives you a small, sympathetic smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just not the same without him.”

You nod, trying to focus on the positive. “We’ll see him soon enough. And who knows? Maybe things will be better by then.”

Returning to the group with the banchan, you notice the warm, friendly atmosphere that has developed. Jake catches your eye and smiles, after placing down the ceramic serving dish you take a seat beside him.

As the game continues, Jay looks over at you and Jake. “You two make a really cute couple, you know that?”

Before you can respond, Sunghoon and Beomgyu, both tipsy, start hugging each other and pretending to make out, mimicking a couple to tease you and Jake. Everyone bursts into laughter, the playful antics breaking any remaining tension in the room.

Avi playfully rolls her eyes. “Alright, boys, cut it out,” she says with a grin. She glances at the clock on the wall and her eyes widen slightly. “Shit, it’s late. If you guys want, you can sleep over.”

The boys thank her, and the sleeping arrangements are quickly sorted out. Heeseung claims the couch, Sunghoon opts for the blow-up mattress on the floor, and Beomgyu, as always, takes his usual spot in Avi’s room. That leaves Jake and you to share your room.

As you and Jake get up to head to bed, the teasing starts again. “Oh, look at the lovebirds,” Sunghoon calls out, grinning mischievously.

“Don’t have too much fun in there,” Beomgyu adds with a wink.

Avi smirks. “Remember, the walls are thin. I’d appreciate it if Jake could keep his hands to himself tonight.”

Heeseung scoffs, laughing. “Jake doesn’t know what it means to keep his hands to himself.”

Jake rolls his eyes but can’t help but laugh along with everyone. “Fuck off,” he says, taking your hand as you both head to your room, the playful teasing still echoing in your ears.

Once inside your room, you close the door and turn to Jake, who’s still smiling. “That was fun,” he says, wrapping an arm around your waist.

“Yeah, it was,” you agree, leaning into him. “I’m really glad everyone’s getting along.”

Jake nods, his expression softening. “Me too. It means a lot to me.”

He steps back and strips off his shirt, revealing the well-defined muscles beneath. He climbs into your bed, his arms wide open in an inviting gesture. You slide in beside him, curling up on his chest. The warmth of his skin against yours is comforting, and you find yourself drawing little shapes on his chest with your finger. He sighs contentedly, pulling you in closer and kissing the top of your head.

“I’m so thankful for this second chance,” he whispers.

You place a soft kiss on his collarbone. “I’m happy too,” you reply, your voice barely above a whisper.

Jake waits a beat before pushing you away slightly, his expression turning serious. “I need to tell you something,” he says.

Your heart skips a beat. “What is it?”

He takes a deep breath. “The summer before you started at Northeastern, I went back home to Australia. I wanted to make amends, but I found out from my mom how hard you took it when I left. I didn’t realize how much I hurt you until then. When I heard that you didn’t get into Harvard, I felt like I had ruined everything for you. I was crushed.”

You stay silent, listening intently as he continues.

“When I came back, I started drinking and smoking. I even got into LSD. It got to a point where I would wake up, smoke a preroll, go back to bed, wake up again, smoke the remainder, then go about my day and probably smoke another five more times. I drank a lot to forget you and the pain I caused.”

You feel a lump form in your throat as tears well up in your eyes. Jake’s voice trembles slightly as he recounts his past.

“There was this party… I got so crossfaded that I passed out and was unresponsive for over twenty minutes. That was the turning point. Jay cried and begged me to stop. Said he didn’t want to see me dead. That’s why we’re so close. He even gave up drinking for a while to help me out, and Heeseung and Sunghoon gave up parties to support me. They’re like brothers to me, not just friends.”

By now, silent tears are streaming down your face. Jake gently wipes them away, his eyes filled with concern and vulnerability.

“I understand if this changes things for you,” he says softly. “But I needed to tell you.”

You shake your head, your emotions overwhelming you. Leaning in, you kiss him hard, pouring all your feelings into that kiss. When you finally pull away, you look into his eyes, your voice firm and resolute.

“It doesn’t change anything, Jake. If anything, it makes me love you more for your honesty.”

Jake’s eyes glisten with unshed tears, and he pulls you into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” he whispers.

You shift and move yourself onto his lap, straddling his waist, your knees on either side of his legs. You wrap your arms around his neck and place your lips onto his own pouty ones, kissing him slowly. Jake moves his hands to your waist, and grips them tightly before pulling away.

You pout at the loss of contact and move your head to the crook of his neck to place soft kisses there. Jake whines and grips your waist once again.

“B-baby wait.”

You sigh but pull away to look into his eyes.

“We don’t have to do anything we can just cuddle.” Jake says, rubbing slow circles onto your thigh. You shake your head.

“I want to.”

Jake stares into your eyes searching for any hesitance before asking one more time, “are you sure?”

You nod. “As long as you promise to not leave me this time.”

Jake brings a hand up to your cheek and gently caresses it. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Jake's lips fall upon yours again, his lips moving in a frenzied fashion this time.

Instinctively, your arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him closer into you. Jake lets out a soft growl against your lips before pulling away. Peppering kisses along your jaw, he trails down the column of your throat before nuzzling his face into the juncture of your shoulder.

"God- I've missed you," Jake whispers as he breathes in your calming scent. You place your hands in his hair threading the strands, you lazily play with the locks at the nape of his neck.

"I missed you too. A lot," you moan out as Jake begins to suckle bruises onto the tender flesh of your throat. Jake sucks in a sharp breath at the feeling of you tugging on his hair and immediately switches positions with you. He swiftly cages you between his body and the mattress before moving down to be level with your dripping pussy. You jerk at the sudden movement, your eyes widening at the sight of him.

Jake groans out as he runs his nose along the exposed flesh of your inner thigh. Your breath hitches at the sensation, Jake’s large hands slowly wrap around your thighs before he parts your legs.

Running his nose against your panties, Jake takes in a deep breath before groaning as the scent of your arousal runs through his nose. He pushes your sleep shirt further up your hips, his lips gently kissing his way up the length of your thigh. Positioned just over your hip, Jake places a tender kiss above where your bone is. Then, he bites down on the waistband of your panties before slowly sliding it down your legs.

Gripping one of your thighs, he pulls it to rest over his shoulder, exposing your pussy even more. Jake shudders as the scent of your arousal deepens. Biting his lip, Jake edges closer to your folds before tentatively licking a line: all the way from your core to your clit.

“Oh my gosh,” you groan out, your head lolling back while one of your hands shoots out to tangle into his thick hair. Hearing your low groan, Jake smirks against your pussy before repeating the action. Spikes of pleasure run up and down your spine, your eyelids fluttering as you lose yourself into the pleasure he brings upon your body.

Soft lips wrap around your clit, Jake pulls the sensitive bud into his mouth before lightly sucking on it. His ministrations cause you to gasp - the sound quickly morphing into a heavy moan when he nips your throbbing clit. Tangling your fingers further into his hair, you tug as hard as you can on his hair, trying to get him to move faster.

“J-jake.” you whine needily, desperation heavy in the high pitch of your voice.

Jake pushes two fingers into you, your body jerks at the sudden intrusion as you tug at his hair reflexively. Twisting his fingers into you, Jake pumps his digits in and out, relishing in the feel of your pulsating walls around him as he continues eating you out.

“Cumming-” you gasp out, your voice cracking under the pleasure.

“Then cum baby- cum all over my tongue. wanna taste you, ” Jake urges. The filthiness of his words, paired with the way he harshly sucks your clit, instantly has you cumming.

You whine out his name, gasping for air, you slowly come down from the high of your orgasm. Jake patiently waits for you to come back to reality.

Once you catch your breath he moves up to place a soft kiss on your awaiting lips.

“How are you feeling princess?”

You adjust your shirt to cover your lower half before responding. “Good.”

“Want to continue?”

You nod, “yes. Want to feel you inside me.”

Jake groans at your words. “Do you have a condom?”

You hum and nod your head towards your bedside drawer. “First shelf.”

Jake removes himself from you to walk towards the shelf and takes out the small foil before opening it and rolling the condom over his dick. Sighing at the feeling of finally touching himself. He gives himself a few tugs and makes sure the condom is secured before walking back to you.

Jake’s cock is ready, heavy against his palm as he takes a hold of the base and spreads your legs apart. His chest is littered with beads of sweat. “Your pussy looks so fucking good.” He remarks, letting the pink tip of his dick rub against your wet folds. You both moan at the sensation.

With one more rub of his head, he lines himself against your entrance and slowly pushes his hips forward. You think you could come instantly again.

“Fuck.” You let out as you place a hand on his chest, letting the feel of his cock overtake your entire body. He stops when he’s reached the hilt, careful to rock his hips out before slamming them back into you. You can’t help but cry his name out.

“I won’t last long.” Jake whimpers, you move the hand on his chest to the back of his neck as you push his head forward to kiss you. He follows suit, beginning a rhythmic pace of his hips as you lose yourself further and further into him.

Jake kisses you feverishly, hot and wet against your mouth as he continues to rock in and out of you. His breaths labored, filthy words and curses escaping him as you clench around him with each thrust.

“Ngh- not gonna last long either!” You’re losing your mind, already close to a second orgasm. You know you’re going to come again soon.

Jake takes your legs and places your ankles on his shoulder, plummeting into you with a force so delicious, you’re about to go delirious

“Fuck, turn around for me.” You do as requested, turning to your stomach. Jake pulls your ass up towards him and lines himself up once again. Without hesitation this time, he pushes into you.

“Oh my gosh,” Jake is moaning out. He grabs a handful of your ass, using it as support while he rams into you with no plans of slowing down. The room is filled with the sound of your skin slapping and your shared moans. You have no doubt everyone can hear the two of you.

Jake reaches forward immediately gravitating towards your clit and rubs to bring you over the edge.

It doesn’t take much longer before your heels are digging into the mattress and you’re cumming. You feel Jake still behind you as he releases into the condom.

You lay still, letting your cum dribble out of you as Jake pulls out.

“Was that okay?” Jake asks, leaning forward to kiss your shoulder. You nod in reassurance, twisting your head around so he can kiss your lips.

“More than okay.”

The morning light filters softly through the blinds as you slide out of Jake’s arms, careful not to wake him. You dress quickly and head to the kitchen, intent on starting breakfast for your guests. To your surprise, you find Jay already there, rummaging through the ingredients and setting up to make breakfast.

“Jay?” you say, taken aback but not entirely surprised. He looks up and gives you a sheepish smile.

“Hey,” he replies, cracking an egg into a bowl. “Figured I’d get a head start.”

You smile and move to help him, grabbing a knife and starting to cut up some fruit. As you chop strawberries, the silence between you feels companionable. Finally, you muster the courage to speak up. “Thank you.”

Jay glances up from the omelette he’s making, his brow furrowing in confusion. “For what?”

You put down the knife and turn to face him fully. “Thank you for taking care of Jake when I couldn’t.”

Jay’s expression softens, and he shakes his head. “You don’t need to thank me. I love Jake. He’s like a brother to me.”

You nod, appreciating his sincerity. You both return to your tasks, the kitchen filled with the sound of sizzling and chopping. After a moment, Jay speaks up again.

“Are you confident in your decision to be with Jake?” he asks gently.

You hesitate, your hands pausing mid-chop. Jay notices and quickly adds, “I won’t judge you, whatever your answer is.”

You take a deep breath, considering your words carefully. “I’m happy to finally have the boy I’ve always loved,” you begin slowly. “But sometimes… sometimes I find myself thinking about Jungwon and what could have been.”

Jay nods, understanding in his eyes. “I get it. But you need to decide who you want to be with. Jake is fully invested in you, and I’d hate to see him destroyed if you drag this out only to decide you want Jungwon in the end.”

His words hit hard, and you can’t help but fall silent, lost in thought. The reality of your situation settles heavily on your shoulders. You return to chopping strawberries, your mind racing.

Jay reaches over and places a hand on your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Whatever you decide, just be honest with yourself and with them. That’s all anyone can ask.”

You nod, grateful for his words and his support. As the two of you finish preparing breakfast, you can’t shake the feeling of uncertainty that lingers. With the fruit salad complete and the omelettes almost ready, you begin to bring the food out. As you enter the living room, Heeseung rises and shakes awake Sunghoom so they can take their seat on the floor as you bring in plates of food.

One by one, everyone makes their way to the living room, the aroma of breakfast drawing them in. Avi and Beomgyu are next, followed by Jay, who gives you a reassuring nod. Jake is the last to emerge, his hair tousled and a sleepy smile on his face. He takes a seat beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

The room falls into a comfortable silence as everyone starts to eat. But it doesn’t last long.

Beomgyu is the first to break the silence. “You two are disgusting,” he says, pointing his fork at you and Jake. “Do you know everyone heard you last night?”

Avi groans, covering her ears dramatically. “My poor ears!”

Heeseung and Sunghoon join in, laughing and shaking their heads. “Seriously, guys,” Sunghoon says, rolling his eyes. “Couldn’t you have kept it down a bit?”

You hide your face in Jake’s chest, your cheeks burning with embarrassment. Jake chuckles, rubbing your back soothingly. “Hey, come on,” he says, defending the two of you. “We weren’t that loud.”

Avi rolls her eyes playfully. “Sure, Jake. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Heeseung smirks before letting the loudest moan rip from his throat. “fuck jake…i’m not gonna last long.” He exclaims, his voice exaggerated and mocking.

Mortified, you cover your face with your hands, wishing the ground would swallow you up. “Heeseung, stop!” Jake says, trying to suppress his own laughter. “Seriously, guys, cut it out.”

But the rest of them join in, their laughter filling the room. Avi tries to hold back her giggles as she adds, “I swear, I thought you were filming a movie in there.”

Beomgyu grins, leaning into Sunghoon as they both mimic exaggerated kissing noises. “Oh, Jake! Oh, yes!” Beomgyu echoes, clutching his sides in laughter.

You groan, burying your face even deeper into Jake’s chest. “I can’t believe this,” you mumble, your voice muffled.

Jake’s arm tightens around you protectively. “Alright, alright, enough,” he says, trying to sound serious but failing to hide his amusement.

Heeseung, still giggling, wipes a tear from his eye. “Sorry, we couldn’t resist. But seriously, you guys are cute together.”

You peek out from behind your hands, your face still flushed. “Thanks, I guess,” you mutter, trying to salvage some dignity.

Jake kisses the top of your head, whispering, “Don’t worry about them. They’re just jealous.”

Beomgyu scoffs, “jealous? Please I can pull anyone.”

Avi snorts. “And yet you’re still bitchless.”

November 30th

It’s now Saturday and you're out buying groceries, determined to do a dorm refresh. It’s been a busy few days, and you’re looking forward to a quiet evening to reorganize your space and settle into some semblance of normalcy before classes start back up. With bags in hand, you make your way back to your dorm, already planning out how you’ll spend the rest of the day.

As you approach your door, you notice a bouquet of peonies resting against the frame. You pause, staring at the flowers. You know they’re from Jake. He used to give you peonies on your dates back in Australia, a sweet gesture that always made you smile. But now, they serve as a cutting reminder of how much has changed since Jake has been back in your life. You’ve hated peonies ever since he left.

Lost in your thoughts, you don’t notice Jungwon coming in through the hallway with his suitcase behind him. He stops when he sees the flowers and then looks up at you.

“I would’ve known to get you lilies,” he comments, his voice cutting through your reverie. “Unlike Jake.”

You’re pulled out of your thoughts and make eye contact with Jungwon. It’s silent for a second as you take him in, noting the travel weariness in his eyes.

“How was Korea?” you ask tentatively.

He’s vague and blunt with his answer. “Fine.”

You shift on your feet, feeling the weight of the unspoken tension between you. “Did you have a good Chuseok?”

Jungwon nods, then looks at the peonies again before his gaze returns to you. “Jake doesn’t know anything about you,” he says, his tone sharp.

Before you can respond, he sidesteps you and enters his dorm, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You stare after him, the hurt in his words lingering in the air. Slowly, you bend down to pick up the bouquet. Carrying the peonies inside your dorm, you can’t help but think about how much has changed and how complicated everything has become. You place the flowers on the counter, staring at them for a moment before you begin unpacking your groceries.

Determined to keep yourself preoccupied, you dive into cleaning the entire dorm. You scrub the floors, dust the shelves, and organize every corner until everything is spotless and in perfect order. The physical activity helps clear your mind, but the lingering thoughts and feelings remain just below the surface.

As you finish wiping down the kitchen counter, your phone buzzes with a text. It’s from Avi.

[November 30th, 7:53 PM]

[avi]: hey, can you meet me at snell? i forgot my key :p

[you]: yeah what room number?

[avi]: 0119

Grabbing your keys, you head for the door. Just as you’re about to leave, another text comes in. This time, it’s from Jake.

[November 30th, 7:55 PM]

[jake]: did you receive my gift? :D

You pause, looking back at the peonies on the counter. After a moment of contemplation, you walk over to them, pick them up, and dump them in the trash. You text Jake back.

[November 30th, 7:57 PM]

[you]: yes, they’re beautiful. thank you.

With that, you leave your dorm, locking the door behind you. As you make your way to the classroom to meet Avi, you try to push the confusion and hurt to the back of your mind.

When you arrive, Avi is waiting by the door, looking relieved to see you. “Thank you so much for coming. I can’t believe I forgot my key.”

“It’s no problem,” you reply, handing her the spare key you’ve brought along.

Avi takes the key but doesn't move to grab her things right away. Instead, she looks at you with an expression of concern. “Hey, I’m really sorry... for everything. I love you, you know that, right?”

You furrow your brow in confusion. “Of course I know that. Why are you saying this now?”

Before you can react, Avi gives you a gentle but firm shove, pushing you into the classroom. The door slams shut behind you, and you hear the unmistakable sound of it being locked. You whirl around, banging on the door. “Avi! What the hell?”

From the other side of the door, you hear Avi’s voice, firm and resolute. “You’re not allowed to leave until you make amends with Jungwon.”

“What?” you shout, turning back to face the room. Your eyes land on Jungwon, who is sitting at one of the desks, lazily twirling a pencil between his fingers. The sight of him only heightens your agitation.

You bang on the door again. “Avi, let me out! This isn’t funny.”

Beomgyu’s face appears in the small window of the door. “No can do. We’re tired of you talking about how much you miss Jungwon and tired of him asking about you. You two need to hurry up and make up.”

The weight of their words sinks in as you slowly turn back to Jungwon, who has now stopped playing with the pencil and is watching you with a guarded expression. The tension in the room is palpable, and for a moment, neither of you speaks.

Finally, you break the silence. “Jungwon, this is ridiculous. We don’t have to do this.”

Jungwon raises an eyebrow. “Do you really think they’ll let us out if we don’t?”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm your racing heart. “I’m sorry, okay? For everything. I know I hurt you, and I’m really, really sorry.”

Jungwon’s expression remains neutral, but his eyes reveal the hurt and anger he still feels. “It’s not that simple.”

“I know,” you say softly, taking a tentative step towards him. “I’ve been a terrible friend. I got caught up in everything with Jake and neglected the people who matter most to me. I hate that I did that to you.”

Jungwon looks down at the pencil in his hand, spinning it slowly. “It’s more than that. You led me on and had me think we could ever be something.”

Your heart sinks at his words. “Jungwon, I never meant to lead you on. I didn’t realize how you felt until it was too late.”

He scoffs, finally looking up at you. “How could you not realize? I was always there for you, always trying to show you how much I cared. But you were too wrapped up in yourself to see it.”

You feel a flare of defensiveness rise within you. “Jungwon, I told you from the start that I didn’t do relationships. You knew that about me.”

Jungwon’s eyes narrow. “Then what was the point in telling me at the party you were ready to move on? If you knew you still didn’t want to date, why give me the false hope?”

You falter, his words hitting harder than you expected. “I…I thought I was ready.”

He shakes his head, frustration evident. “But you weren’t. And in the process, you played with my feelings. Do you know how confusing and hurtful that is?”

“I’m sorry, Jungwon,” you say, your voice shaking. “I didn’t mean to give you false hope. I genuinely meant what I said at the party! I wasn’t expecting Jake to come back into my life.”

Jungwon looks at you, his expression hard to read. “So, what now? You just expect me to forget everything and be okay with being your second choice?”

You shake your head vehemently. “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to understand that I was confused. I never meant to hurt you, Jungwon. I care about you so much.”

“Caring about someone isn’t enough,” he says quietly, his voice tinged with sadness.

A heavy silence settles between you, thick with unresolved tension. Jungwon breaks it with a question that slices through the air. “Why Jake?”

You look up, startled. “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t know you like I do,” Jungwon continues, his voice raw. “You’re not the same girl he grew up with. You’ve changed, and he hasn’t been here to see that.”

You open your mouth, but no words come out. Finally, you manage to say, “he’s my first love.”

“That doesn’t mean he has to be your only love,” Jungwon counters, taking a step closer. His eyes bore into yours, filled with an intensity that makes your heart race.

Before you can respond, he steps even closer, his breath warm against your skin. He’s so close you can feel the heat radiating off him. For a moment, it feels like he’s about to kiss you, but then your phone rings, breaking the moment.

You glance at the screen: it’s Jake. Jungwon’s eyes flicker to the phone and back to you, pleading. “Don’t answer it.”

You hesitate but then silence the call, your heart pounding in your chest. Jungwon’s expression softens, and he reaches up to caress your cheek. “You deserve someone who knows you inside and out. Someone who’s been there through everything. I’m that someone.”

His words hang in the air, and before you can process them, he leans in and kisses you. It’s gentle at first, a question rather than a demand. You respond, your arms wrapping around his neck as the kiss deepens, your emotions swirling together in a mix of confusion, guilt, and longing.

When you finally pull away, you’re both breathless. The weight of what just happened settles over you. Jungwon searches your eyes, his thumb still tracing your cheek. “I love you,” he whispers. “I’ve always loved you.”

You stand there, your heart torn between the familiarity of your past and the promise of your future. The sound of your phone vibrating with another call from Jake is a distant echo as you and Jungwon stare at each other, caught in a moment that feels like it could change everything.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” you say, your voice shaking.

Jungwon shrugs, his eyes unwavering. “I don’t feel bad about it.”

You swallow hard, the weight of his words settling over you. “Jungwon, this isn’t fair. I’m so confused right now.”

He takes a deep breath, his gaze softening. “I’m serious about you. I’ve always been. I want you to give us a chance.”

His words hang in the air, heavy with meaning. You’re once again faced with the ultimatum: Jake or Jungwon. The pressure feels unbearable, your heart torn in two directions. Before you can respond, there’s a loud knock on the door.

“Have you two made up yet?” Beomgyu’s voice calls from the other side, filled with impatience.

You and Jungwon exchange a look, the weight of the unspoken words between you. You shake your head, unable to bring yourself to lie. But Jungwon pulls away from you and steps forward, his hand brushing against yours as he replies, “Yeah, we’ve made up.”

The door opens, and Avi and Beomgyu peer in, looking between the two of you. Jungwon gives you one last look, longing swimming in his eyes, before he steps past them and leaves the room.

Your phone starts ringing again, Jake’s name flashing on the screen. You stare at it, the decision you need to make feeling more daunting than ever. As the door closes behind Jungwon, you’re left standing there, the sound of the phone’s persistent ring echoing in the silence.

Avi steps forward, concern etched on her face. “How do you feel? How did things go?”

You take a deep breath. “We... we kissed.”

Both Avi and Beomgyu’s eyes widen in shock. “You what?” Avi exclaims, her voice a mixture of surprise and concern.

Beomgyu, recovering first, gives you a thoughtful look. “Are you going to tell Jake?”

Avi cuts in, “You don’t have to.”

Beomgyu raises a brow at her. “Seriously,”

Avi shrugs, “what? I support women’s right and wrongs.”

You hesitate, the previous question hanging heavy in the air. “I... I don’t know what I’m going to do,” you admit. “Everything’s so complicated.”

Beomgyu sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Look, as much as I've grown to like Jake, I’ve always thought Jungwon was the right one for you. He understands you in a way Jake never will.”

Avi elbows him lightly, shooting him a warning look. “Beomgyu, that’s not helping.” She turns to you, her eyes soft with sympathy. “But... I kind of agree. You and Jungwon just…click.”

You look between your two friends, feeling more conflicted than ever. “I don’t know what to do,” you whisper, your voice breaking. “I care about both of them, but...”

Avi steps closer, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Take your time. You don’t have to decide right now. Just...think about what makes you happiest, what feels right in your heart.”

You take a deep breath, trying to steady the whirlwind of emotions inside you. “I just don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Avi looks at you with understanding. “Sometimes, no matter what you choose, someone might get hurt.”

Your phone rings again, cutting through the tense silence. Beomgyu glances at the screen and then at you. “It’s Jake. You should answer.”

Hesitant, you pick up the call. “Hey, Jake.”

“Hi baby!,” he says, his voice filled with concern. “Are you okay? You sounded off earlier.”

“I’m fine,” you lie, trying to keep your voice steady. “Just busy studying.”

He hums, seemingly convinced. “Okay. Are you free for a date tomorrow?”

A twinge of guilt strikes you, but you push it aside. “Sure, I’d love that.”

You exchange a few more pleasantries before hanging up. Once you turn off your phone, Avi immediately asks, “What was that about?”

You sigh, feeling the weight of the situation. “Jake wants to go on a date tomorrow.”

Avi nods thoughtfully. “Remember, you don’t have to tell Jake anything until you’re ready.”

Beomgyu raises an eyebrow at her. “Again, seriously?”

Avi shrugs. “What? Women’s rights and wrongs, remember?”

You can’t help but smile a little at her words, but the smile quickly fades. “I don’t know what I’ll do,” you admit quietly.

Beomgyu comfortingly pats your back, more serious now. “Being upfront now might be hard, but it’ll save a lot of heartache later on.”

Avi then adds, “Or you could try being single for a bit. I promise it’s not all that bad.”

The three of you laugh, the tension easing slightly. Avi’s joke, though lighthearted, seems to resonate with all of you.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll take that under consideration,” you say, the weight on your shoulders feeling a bit lighter.

Beomgyu grins. “Hey, it’s always an option. Plus, more time for group hangouts.”

Avi nods enthusiastically. “Exactly! We could use more friend time without any of the boy drama.”

You chuckle, appreciating their attempts to cheer you up. “Thanks, guys. I really needed this.”

“Anytime,” Avi says, linking her arm with yours. “Now, let’s get back to the dorm. We’ve got snacks and a Netflix queue waiting for us.”

Beomgyu wraps an arm around both of you, guiding you back. “And maybe some ice cream? I feel like this conversation calls for ice cream.”

You laugh again, feeling grateful for your friends.

“Do you have a lot of finals coming up?” Jake asks, trying to keep the conversation light.

The two of you are currently at Naksan, an expensive new KBBQ restaurant that opened up near your campus. Jake had wanted to take you out sightseeing but given the cold Boston weather the two of you couldn’t stay out long so he decided what better way to warm up than sizzling hot meat.

The atmosphere is lively, filled with the sizzle of meat on grills and the hum of conversation. Jake tries to make small talk, you’ve been out of it all day lost in your head. His eyes search your face for any hint of what’s bothering you.

You shake your head slightly, offering a small smile. “No, only a few. Nothing too overwhelming.”

He nods, turning the meat on the grill. “What about winter break? Do you have any plans?”

You shrug, avoiding his gaze. “Not sure yet. I’m not going back to Australia because the break isn’t that long.”

Jake’s face lights up a bit. “Jay and Sunghoon were talking about renting a cabin over the break. They thought it would be fun if you and your friends joined us.”

“That sounds fun,” you reply half-heartedly. “I’m sure Avi and Beomgyu would be down for that.”

Jake seems to notice your lack of enthusiasm but presses on. “What about inviting Jungwon too? The more, the merrier, right?”

You don’t respond, knowing that Jungwon would never agree to be around Jake. The silence between you grows heavy, the unspoken words hanging in the air.

Jake places some grilled meat on your plate, watching you closely. “Are you okay?” he asks, concern evident in his voice.

Instead of answering, you look up at him and ask, “What’s my favorite color?”

Jake looks confident but confused as he answers, “Black.”

You shake your head. “That was my favorite color two years ago because it’s all you would ever wear. It’s pink now.”

Jake nods, trying to hide his surprise. “Okay, I’ll make a mental note of that.”

He places more meat on the grill, but you’re not done. “What are my hobbies?” you ask.

Jake is at a loss, hesitating before guessing, “Baking?”

You shake your head again. “Photography. Crochet. Painting. All things I started doing once you left to get my life back on track because all I ever knew was you. I didn’t have an identity when you were around. I did it so I could forget you.”

Jake clenches the tongs tighter, his jaw setting as he places new meat on the grill. “What is this about?” he asks, his voice strained.

You look down at your plate, feeling the weight of the conversation. “A lot has changed since you’ve been in my life. I’m starting to realize that maybe I need to figure out who I am without you.”

Jake looks at you, confusion and frustration etched on his face. “What are you talking about? I’m still the same Jake you’ve known since we were kids.”

You shake your head firmly but gently. “No. You’re not. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think we’ve been pretending that nothing has changed when everything has changed.”

Jake’s agitation grows. “What are you trying to get at?”

You try to calm him down, your voice softening. “Maybe we rushed things? Maybe we needed time to actually get to know each other again before jumping into a relationship.”

“Where is this coming from?” Jake demands, his voice rising.

Taking a deep breath, you meet his gaze. “I finally talked to Jungwon. He helped me realize just how much I’ve changed.” You avoid mentioning the kiss, knowing it would only escalate things.

Jake’s anger flares. “This is our relationship, not ours plus Jungwon’s. Why are you letting him get in between what we have.”

A light scoff escapes your lips. “Within the past two weeks, I’ve been slipping into old habits. I’ve considered transferring schools for your sake and sobriety. I picked you over Jungwon without any explanation. Every decision I’ve made since you came back revolves around you in some way.”

Jake, absolutely livid, leans forward, his eyes burning with anger. “I never asked you to do any of that. It’s not my fault you have a savior complex.”

His words cut deep, and the air between you becomes thick with tension, the restaurant's noise fading into the background. Your anger simmers beneath the surface, and when Jake challenges you with his accusation, you can't hold back.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” Your voice rises, laced with incredulity and hurt. “Savior complex? I’ve only ever loved and supported you!”

Jake’s jaw tightens, his frustration evident. “No, you’ve only ever tried to fix me! I don’t need to be fixed! Spoiler alert, not everyone can be as perfect as you, ____!”

His words hit you like a blow, but you refuse to back down. “I’m not perfect, Jake. I never claimed to be. But if you can’t see how much I’ve tried to make this work, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

Jake’s expression hardens, his voice low and cutting. “So, what now? You’re just going to walk away?”

“Why are we even together?” Your voice trembles with anger and betrayal.

You lock eyes with Jake, the heat of your emotions mirrored in his gaze. The silence between you is heavy with unspoken truths and shattered illusions. With a surge of indignation, you push back from the table, your chair scraping loudly against the floor.

“I can’t believe I fell for your lies again.” The words spill from your lips, each one dripping with bitterness and disappointment.

Without another glance at Jake, you turn and walk away, leaving him sitting there, his anger and confusion swirling around him like a storm. The weight of your decision hangs heavy on your shoulders, but deep down, you know it’s the right one.

Outside the restaurant, the cold air hits you sharply, intensifying the pain in your chest. You navigate the streets with blurred vision, tears streaming down your face until you find yourself standing outside Jungwon's door. You hesitate for a moment, but the need for comfort outweighs any doubts.

When Jungwon opens the door, his confusion is evident in his sleep-ruffled appearance. His messy hair and casual attire contrast sharply with the intensity in his eyes as he takes in your tear-streaked face. Without a word, he steps aside, allowing you to enter.

You don't hesitate this time. You throw yourself into his arms, seeking comfort in his embrace. Jungwon holds you gently, his hands soothing circles on your back. "What's wrong?" he asks softly, concern lacing his voice.

Between sobs, you manage to recount the disastrous dinner with Jake, the accusations, and the painful realization that your relationship with him might have been built on illusions. Jungwon listens in silence, his expression a mix of understanding and restrained frustration.

"H-he said I have a savior complex! Can you believe that!?"

Jungwon stares at you blankly as you rage on.

"I love you too much to stand here and listen to you cry about Jake," He finally says, his voice tinged with agitation. "I warned you, told you to decide, and yet you ran into his arms anyway. Now he's broken your heart yet again."

You sniffle, clinging to him desperately. His words are like a bitter pill, hard to swallow but painfully true. "I refuse to be the person you come to pick up the broken pieces of your heart every time you let someone else break it," Jungwon continues, his voice firm but pained. "I want to be the one who holds your heart, who gets to love you and treat you right."

Your heart sinks at his words, realization settling in like a heavy weight. "Jungwon, please," you plead, your voice shaky. Not even sure yourself what it is you’re begging for.

He pulls away gently, his eyes searching yours. "I can't subject myself to standing here and listening to you go on about another man," he says softly. "For my own sake, I need you to leave."

Shock courses through you, leaving you speechless. You try to protest, to explain, but Jungwon remains resolute. "Don't come back until you really know what you want," he says firmly. "Otherwise, leave me alone."

With those words ringing in your ears, you stand there, grappling with the magnitude of his decision and your own emotions. Reluctantly, you turn away, leaving Jungwon behind, the ache in your chest now compounded by regret and uncertainty.

As you walk back to your dorm, the weight of everything crashes down on you. It’s not just the fight with Jake or Jungwon's firm stance; it’s the realization of how selfish you’ve been, stringing Jungwon along and using him as your emotional crutch. He’s always been there, loving you without any conditions, and you’ve taken that for granted.

Each step feels heavier than the last, the cold hallway air biting at your skin as you replay Jungwon’s words in your mind. You’ve leaned on him for so long, taking his unconditional support and affection as a given. He was your safe haven, the one person you could always turn to without fear of judgment. But in doing so, you’ve hurt him deeply, using his love as a safety net without offering the same in return.

When you finally close the door to your dorm, the tears you’ve been holding back flood out, and you collapse against the door, your sobs echoing in the empty space. The full weight of your actions, the hurt you’ve caused, and the pain you’ve inflicted on someone who means so much to you crashes down, leaving you feeling raw and exposed.

The sound of your anguish draws Avi out of her room, and she rushes to your side, her face etched with worry. “What happened?” she asks softly, kneeling beside you and wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

You struggle to get the words out, your voice broken by sobs. “I’ve been such a horrible person,” you cry, the realization choking you. “I’ve been using Jungwon, leading him on while I figured out my feelings for Jake. I’ve been so unfair to him.”

Avi sighs, her hand rubbing soothing circles on your back. “At least you’re self-aware?” she says quietly, her words both a comfort and a sting. “Maybe for now you need to learn how to be comfortable with being alone.”

You nod through your tears, the truth of her words settling deep within you. “I’ve been so selfish,” you whisper. “He’s always been there for me, and I’ve taken him for granted. I never realized how much I was hurting him.”

Avi’s eyes are filled with sympathy, but she doesn’t sugarcoat the reality. “You need to give him space and time to heal,” she says. “And you need to figure out who you are and what you really want without any guys in the picture. You can’t keep bouncing between Jake and Jungwon. It’s not fair to either of them, and it’s not fair to yourself.”

You sniff, wiping at your tears, the weight of her words pressing down on you. “I know,” you admit. “I just… I don’t know how to start.”

Avi pulls you into a tighter hug, her voice gentle but firm. “You start by letting Jungwon go and focusing on yourself. You need to stop using him as a crutch and start dealing with your feelings head-on.”

You take a deep breath, trying to steady your emotions. For Jungwon’s sake, and for your own, you need to let go. As you sit there, leaning against the door with Avi by your side, you resolve to take the first step. It’s time to stop running from your feelings and face the consequences of your actions. It’s time to let Jungwon heal and to finally figure out who you are without relying on anyone else.

Sunday | Present Day

A week has come to pass and it's now December 8th. The days have blurred together as you've submerged yourself in studying for finals, avoiding any interactions with Beomgyu and Avi. You’re up before the sun, attending classes, and then disappearing into the library until the dead of night. Jake’s reached out a few times, begging to see you and apologies for how he acted but they all remain unanswered. You don't know how to approach that conversation. Jungwon, on the other hand, hasn’t texted at all, and that silence cuts deeper than you’d care to admit.

It's 5 a.m., and you're trying to sneak out to the library yet again, hoping to escape unnoticed. But as you step into the living room, you’re startled to find Avi sitting on the couch, waiting for you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks, her voice cutting through the early morning silence.

You freeze, caught off guard. It’s almost comical, being in trouble for studying too much. But Avi’s expression tells you this is no joke.

“Avi, I... I was just going to the library,” you stammer, clutching your books tighter.

Avi stands, her eyes never leaving yours. “I’ve been nothing but patient with you, giving you space and time to figure things out. But it’s clear that you’re just running away from everything.”

“Avi, I’m just trying to focus on my finals,” you protest weakly.

She shakes her head, her frustration evident. “Bullshit, you’re using your finals as an excuse to avoid dealing with your problems. I’m sick of you being so selfish.”

Her words sting, but you know she’s right. You’ve been hiding, avoiding the difficult conversations you need to have.

“All eight of us are going on the ski trip for winter break next week,” Avi continues, her tone firm. “And you need to get yourself together before then. There won’t be peace or fun if nearly half the house is beefing.”

You look at her in shock. “Jungwon agreed to go?”

“Yes,” Avi confirms, her gaze unwavering. “But that doesn’t mean he’s forgiven you. You need to talk to him, and to Jake. It’s clear you care for both of them, but you’ve handled this terribly. They’re both humans with real emotions, and it’s not fair to keep them in the dark.”

You swallow hard, the guilt washing over you. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Avi presses, her eyes piercing. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t be running away to the library every chance you get. You need to do better. For their sake and for yours.”

Tears well up in your eyes, the weight of her words sinking in. “I’m sorry, Avi. I just... I don’t know how to fix this.”

Avi’s expression softens slightly, but her resolve remains. “You start by being honest with them, and with yourself. Talk to Jake, talk to Jungwon. Tell them how you feel, and let them decide what they want to do. You can’t control their reactions, but you can at least give them the truth.”

You nod, wiping away a tear. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

Avi takes a step closer, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. “I love you, but you need to do better. This isn’t just about you. It’s about them, too. They deserve honesty.”

“I know,” you whisper, your voice breaking.

Avi pulls you into a hug, her voice gentle but firm. “You’re going to get through this, but you need to stop running. Don’t put it off any longer.”

She pulls back, looking at you with a mixture of love and teasing. “I can’t believe you’ve made me actually like Jake,” she says with a mock grimace. “Seriously, you’ve managed to make me sympathize with that guy. It’s almost impressive.”

You let out a shaky laugh, the tension easing a bit. “I guess that’s one way to measure my impact.”

Avi smiles, giving you a playful nudge. “I’m not that angry with you, you know. Just frustrated because I know you’re capable of handling this better.”

“Thanks, Avi,” you say, your voice filled with gratitude. “I really appreciate you looking out for me.”

“Always,” she replies, her tone softening. “Now, go get some sleep, I know you’re miserable with all the studying you’ve been doing.”

You both laugh before you nod, “I will.”

Avi gives you one last encouraging squeeze before retreating back to her room. As she disappears behind her door, you stand there for a moment, thinking of what to do.

With a deep breath, you head back to your room and pull out your phone.

[December 8th, 5:27 AM]

[you]: are you free later today to talk?

Once the message is sent you toss your phone aside and get back under your covers letting the warm embrace of sleep take you once more.

͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏͏ ͏ ͏ ͏͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏___

knock ! knock

You look up from your seated position on the couch once your mind registers the knocks on your front door. You walk towards the door to let them in. You do a once over in the mirror and flatten out any wrinkles in your dress before opening the door.

Jake stands there, looking slightly awkward, hands shoved into his pockets. His eyes meet yours with a mix of hesitation and what seems to be acceptance.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hey,” you reply, stepping aside to let him in.

Jake takes a seat on the couch and looks around the room, his eyes scanning every corner as if searching for something familiar. “Are we alone?” he asks, his voice almost a whisper.

You nod. “Yeah, Avi is out hanging with Beomgyu.”

Jake nods, playing with his fingers, a nervous habit you recognize. Your fingers itch to hold his hand. The silence between you is thick, almost suffocating. Both of you open your mouths at the same time, starting to speak before stopping and laughing awkwardly.

“You go first,” you encourage, offering him a small, reassuring smile.

Jake takes a deep breath. “I’m really sorry for how I reacted the other day,” he begins, his voice sincere. “I didn’t handle it well, and I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. You were bringing up genuine concerns in our relationship, and I got defensive.”

You nod, listening intently as he continues.

“It stung, hearing about Jungwon. It felt like he took my spot in your life while I was gone. But you’re right—we have changed. We’re not the same people we were back then.”

You bite your lip, feeling the weight of his words. When he finishes, you take a deep breath and gather the courage to say what you need to. “Jake, I kissed Jungwon.”

Jake looks taken aback, but there’s no anger in his eyes, just a sadness that seems to have been lingering for a while. He nods slowly, almost as if he expected it. “What now?” he asks, his voice soft.

You sigh, feeling a lump form in your throat. “I appreciate your apology, and I’m sorry for kissing Jungwon. But I think it’s best if we end things here.”

Jake swallows hard at your words but he doesn’t say anything back, he lets you continue.

“A part of my heart will always belong to you, and I’ll always love you, but we’re different people now. It was naive of us to think we could just jump into a relationship without taking the time to get to know each other again, without being friends first.”

Jake’s eyes fill with tears, and despite his efforts to hide them, a few escape down his cheeks. “I understand,” he says, his voice trembling. “I’ll always love you, too. If anything changes for you, I’ll always be here.”

You’re both crying now, the emotional weight of the moment almost too much to bear. You stand up, and he follows suit, wrapping you in a tight hug. The embrace is bittersweet, filled with love and loss.

After a few moments, you pull back slightly, looking into his eyes. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? I’d still love to be friends.”

Jake nods and smiles, his tears still flowing. “Me too.”

You see him out, giving him one last hug in the hallway. As he rounds the corner, Jungwon comes into view. He sees you wiping away your tears as Jake sniffs and clears his throat before leaving. Jungwon pauses, watching the exchange.

You manage a gentle smile at Jungwon. “Would you like to come in?” you ask softly.

Jungwon stares at you for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then he nods, following you back into your room. The silence is heavy, but it’s not the same as it was with Jake. This silence almost feels…hopeful? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance for something different between you.

As you close the door behind you both, Jungwon stands awkwardly in the center of your room, unsure of what to do or say. “Are you okay?” he asks finally, his voice gentle.

You manage a smile, though tears still linger in your eyes. “I’m okay,” you assure him softly. “Just... processing everything.”

You motion for him to take a seat on the couch while you step into your room to grab something. You return with a small gift bag, decorated with a simple blue ribbon. “Here,” you say quietly, handing it to him.

Jungwon looks down at the bag, then up at you, confusion flickering across his face. “What’s this?” he asks, his voice filled with curiosity.

You take a deep breath, meeting his gaze. “It’s not much,” you start, your voice catching slightly. “But I wanted to give you something. A start towards... a new beginning.”

He cautiously opens the bag and peers inside, finding cherry gummies, old Polaroids of the two of you from happier times, a sheep-shaped keychain, a gift card to Tatte, and other small trinkets that hold significance. Jungwon lifts the Polaroids, his eyes flickering over the captured moments of laughter and shared adventures.

“What’s all this for?” he asks softly, still trying to process your sudden gesture of affection.

You swallow, gathering your thoughts. “I know it’s not enough to fix everything I’ve done,” you begin, your voice earnest. “But each of these... they represent moments from our friendship that I took for granted. The cherry gummies for the late-night talks and movie nights, the Polaroids for the memories we shared, the keychain because you’re like a little sheep, and I have a matching one on my keys...”

Jungwon listens quietly, his expression unreadable.

“The gift card,” you continue, “is my way of paying forward all those times you woke up at the crack of dawn to get me croissants from the French bakery. I never properly thanked you for that.”

He finally looks up at you, his eyes searching yours. There’s a mix of emotions in his gaze—confusion, surprise, and perhaps a hint of cautious hope.

You take a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest. “Jungwon, I’ve been blind,” you confess, your voice trembling slightly. “I had something amazing right in front of me, and I... I blew it because I was stuck in my past. I took advantage of your kindness, made you a second choice instead of treating you like you deserved.”

Jungwon remains silent, processing your words.

“You were the one who loved me without conditions,” you continue, your voice cracking with emotion. “You were patient with me, showed me what it’s like to be loved deeply by someone who’s willing to brave the pain of not having that love returned.”

Still, Jungwon says nothing, but he listens intently, his expression softening slightly.

“I ended things with Jake,” you admit, a small smile tugging at your lips through the tears. “I see now that we were never meant to be anything more than each other’s first love.”

Jungwon’s eyes widen in surprise at your revelation. “You... let Jake go?” he asks softly, as if needing confirmation.

You nod, your smile widening just a fraction. “It was time,” you say with a shrug, though the decision still weighs heavily on your heart.

He takes a moment to absorb this new piece of information before speaking again. “And what about us?” he asks quietly, his voice tinged with vulnerability.

You take a step closer to him, closing the distance between you. “If you’re still willing,” you begin, your voice steady despite the nerves fluttering in your stomach, “I would love to try again. To take things slow, as friends, while I figure out who I am and what I want. And when we’re both ready, maybe... we can try our hand at dating.”

Jungwon stares at you, his expression unreadable for a moment. Then, slowly, a small smile spreads across his face—the kind of smile that reaches his eyes and warms your heart.

“I’d like that,” he finally says, his voice filled with sincerity.

You exhale a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, relief flooding through you. “Thank you,” you whisper, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders.

Jungwon steps forward, wrapping you in a warm embrace. You melt into his arms, feeling a sense of homecoming you hadn’t realized you’d been missing.

“I’m sorry, Jungwon,” you say again, this time from the bottom of your heart. “I’ve been such a shitty friend. Selfish. But I want to do better. I want to make things right.”

He pulls back slightly to look at you, his gaze tender. “You already are,” he says softly. “Let’s take it slow. Figure things out together.”

You nod, tears of relief and happiness streaming down your cheeks. For the first time in weeks, you feel as though you’re finally doing something right.

As you stand there in Jungwon's embrace, your heart feels lighter, Jake was your first—a boy whose love had once been the center of your universe. Even now, a part of you will always carry him with you. You know you will love him to the ends of the earth, cherishing the memories you shared, the lessons learned, and the person you became because of him.

But as you look at Jungwon, holding you with a warmth and gentleness that feels like coming home, you realize that your heart has found room for another. Yang Jungwon. The first man to show you the true meaning of selfless love. His patience, his unwavering support, and the way he saw you—the real you—without conditions or expectations. He has taught you that love doesn't demand to be earned or proven; it simply exists, patiently waiting for you to embrace it.

You’ll forever be grateful for him. For his kindness and understanding, for the quiet strength he gave you when you were too lost to find your own. In his eyes, you see a future where love is not a battlefield, but a sanctuary.

Jake will always be a cherished part of your story, a chapter that shaped you in ways you’re still discovering. But Jungwon is the present and future, the man who holds your heart now, showing you that love can be both enduring and gentle.

With Jake, you learned the passion of first love; with Jungwon, you’re learning the depth of true, unconditional love. And as you stand here, wrapped in Jungwon's arms, you know that while parts of your heart belong to Jake, you will now and forever carry Jungwon in your heart too. This new chapter, with its promises of understanding and growth, feels like the beginning of something beautiful—a journey towards a love that is as healing as it is profound.

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five-rivers · 9 months ago

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Welcome Back Home

Phic Phight Fic for Avi!

Danny may have been a superhero. He may have been annoying. He may even have been ‘practically an adult.’ He was still Jazz’s little brother. The one who had once begged her for play time and increasingly baffling milkshake combinations. The one who helped her fight reanimated turkeys every Christmas. The one who painstakingly researched what books to give her for her birthday.

So, it wasn't so much a choice to throw herself between him and her parents’ newest and most worrying weapon as it was a reflex. If any thought crossed her mind while she dashed across the parking lot and into the path of the beam, it was either this is going to hurt or I hope I'm fast enough.

Well, it didn't hurt. It did drop her in the Ghost Zone. Immediately, She whirled, trying to find the portal.

Way back, when she and Danny had come clean about their respective secrets, Danny had sat her down for what he called his ‘Ghost Zone Survival Guide.’

“Okay,” he'd said, spinning in his spinny chair, “Ghost Zone survival, part one. Don't go there.”

Tucker had snorted. Jazz, who had taken out a fresh notebook and her special note-taking gel pens, glared at him.

“I'm serious,” Danny had defended himself. “The Zone isn't a good place for humans.”

“Why?”

“Do you want some reason other than it operating under different laws of physics and being full of super-powered people who don't care if they kill you by mistake? The radiation, maybe?”

“Never mind. Go ahead.”

“That's what I thought. Anyway, if you wind up going through an unstable or temporary portal, the first thing you need to do is go back through that portal. Like, forget about anything else that's going on. Fights, escapes, your car, other people, get yourself back through.”

“That seems a bit callous,” Jazz had said.

“Well, maybe. But the Ghost Zone is huge, and natural portals and temporary portals aren't just unstable in space, they're unstable in time.”

“They could spit you out in my first life, the middle ages, a thousand years in the future, you name it,” Tucker had helpfully added.

“First life?”

“Don't worry about it,” Danny had said.

“Pharaonic Egypt,” Tucker had answered.

“The point is,” Danny had continued loudly, “you don't want to take a chance with portals unless you know they're stable or have the Infi-Map.”

“Or time grandpa has your back.”

“Stop calling him that.”

“Who is–”

“It doesn't matter. He doesn't have your back. He doesn't have anyone's back.”

Tucker had made a noise of negation. “He has your back.”

Danny had responded by beaning his friend with a pillow.

Somehow, despite being genuinely informative, Jazz had come away from the ‘lesson’ With more questions than answers. None of which were pertinent to her present situation.

She turned on the spot again, surveying her surroundings in more detail. It didn't help. No matter which direction she turned in, there was no portal.

So. Step one: failed.

Onto step two.

“What if I can't get back through the portal though?” Jazz had asked.

“Well, if you aren't being actively attacked–”

“You should definitely take care of that first if you are.”

“If you aren't under attack, see if you can spot any landmarks. If you can see one, you'll at least have a general idea of where you are. Mostly.”

“We're making a map,” Tucker had said, “but it sucks.”

“That's not a comment on our self-confidence or whatever,” Danny had said before Jazz could interject. “Stuff moves in the Ghost Zone. It's kind of like trying to make a map of the solar system. If you're sitting on Jupiter, you know where the sun is, and you've got a pretty good idea about the inner planets, but unless you have a model you can put the time into, you're not going to have any idea where Pluto is.”

“And you wouldn't know the right time, either,” Jazz had said, contemplatively.

“Exactly. But landmarks are still good. They'll give you your general area, at least. And maybe what else is around, too.” He'd given her a photo album full of Ghost Zone landmarks, then, and they'd spent the next half hour going through them.

Jazz was on a floating island. It was medium-sized, perhaps a dozen or so acres square on this side, full of softly rolling hills covered with purple grass and pale green flowers. As far as Jazz could tell, there wasn't anything else on it, although that didn't mean there wasn't. It didn’t look like any place she'd seen or heard of.

Offshore, the Zone was a moderately-familiar green-on-green. Foggy ectoplasm and the lack of anything like a horizon made it difficult to judge distances.

There were a few other islands Jazz could see. Something like a mountain range, a floating sphere, and, just on the edge of her vision, a slightly more regular conglomeration of shapes that could have been a town.

Bingo.

“If you don't recognize anything, do your best to head towards civilization.”

Jazz had raised an eyebrow at that. “Despite the super-powered people who don't care if I die?”

“She’s got you there, Danny my man.”

“Ugh, why couldn't Sam have been here?”

“Gasp, don't tell me you forgot the mega-ultra-turbo grounding already? How could you?”

Danny had thrown another pillow at Tucker. “You're so unhelpful. Anyway, people are dangerous, but they're also the only place you're going to get directions.”

“And if I see something, how do I get there? Considering everything is a flying island.”

“That’s a bit tricky.”

Jazz bounced on her the balls of her feet, staring down the green void between herself and her destination. She’d never done this before, and despite Danny and Tucker’s attempts at an explanation, or even Sam’s later on… Well, she felt like she should’ve convinced them to bring her to the Ghost Zone to practice.

There was nothing she could do but try. She closed her eyes and jumped into the air, believing she could fly with all her might. Her feet hit the ground again. Damn.

One, two, three, she tried again, and again, and again, and then, finally, when she got mad, when she got frustrated, her feet left the ground and stayed off the ground. She was flying, like only a human in the Ghost Zone could fly.

She opened her eyes and looked over to the distant probably-town. It was just as distant as before. And now she was exhausted from jumping. Both the jumping right now, and the jumping into the line of fire she’d done earlier.

Well, no time like the present to get going. She took off.

The little details of Danny’s advice hadn’t stuck with her - he’d really waxed poetic - but she was still able to move forward. She also spent a lot of time moving down whenever her concentration slipped. Of course, she knew it wasn’t really down, thanks to those same conversations with Danny. It was just the direction she perceived as down, or something like that.

Danny liked flying like this. Danny liked every method of flying to ever exist. Jazz, personally, hated it. A lot. Every minute that passed, every time she slipped, she was terrified that she would go plunging into the murky depths of the Zone, never to be seen again.

Danny hadn’t been wrong about the Ghost Zone not being good for humans.

Thank goodness the town really was a town. She wasn’t sure what she would have done if it wasn’t.

“If I do get to civilization–”

“--or what passes for it–” Tucker had said.

“--what do I do then? Be polite, I assume, but what’s polite for ghosts? What are the cultural touchstones? The social norms?”

“Dunno,” Danny had said. “It’s not like ghosts are just one big group that’s all the same. But if you get to a group of ghosts, like, I don’t know a village or something, they’ll all probably be fairly tolerant. To live together without fighting, you know? Normal politeness will be fine. Probably. Assuming they can speak English.”

She managed a landing at the edge of the town. She hit too hard, and her knees buckled. A few ghosts stopped what they were doing - she didn’t know what, couldn’t spare the attention while flying - to stare at her. With an effort she smiled at them. Closed lips. Many cultures considered smiles with teeth to be aggressive or rude.

“Hi,” she said. “I was wondering if you could help me.”

“Kio? Kio ŝi diris?”

“Mi ne scias, mi ne parolas la francan.”

Ah. She should’ve taken up Tucker’s offer to teach her some basic Esperanto. Danny was never going to let her live this down.

“Okay, so, what do I do if they don’t speak English?” she’d asked.

“Get good at charades? You probably won’t be able to get good directions without speaking the language - I have no idea how you’d do the portal in charades - but you can trade stuff. Bargain, barter, whatever you want to call it.”

“For food? Supplies?”

“Eh, not food, actually. Ghost Zone food is mostly ectoplasm. Not good for humans.”

“Then what? Well, you’ll think it’s crazy, but…”

Somehow or another, she got the idea of marketplace and trade across to the ghosts. Apparently the Esperanto word was related to the English. Cousins. Brothers. Whatever, it didn’t matter.

What did matter was what she was going to trade to the ghosts. All she had was her purse, and for a teenage girl, she traveled light. She had her wallet, parking change, a small handful of coupons, number two pencils, a pencil sharpener, a pen, various hygiene products, lipstick, laser, lipstick laser, sunscreen, the universal pocket psychology guide, granola bars, a screwdriver, a couple of bolts from the Peeler - if only she kept that in her purse - spiked bracelet from Spike, phone, and, okay, she didn’t pack that light. There should be something in all this that the ghosts here would probably like.

The ghosts who had seen her less-than-stellar landing ushered her to a colorful, cloth-covered stall, the contents of which looked like the detritus of a million flea markets. The ghost… manning it? Ghosting it? Haunting it? What was the terminology in this case? Whatever. The ghost at the stall was pale green and nondescript except for the swathes of polka-dotted cloth wrapped around their body.

They stared at her with wide eyes. “Ĉu tio estas homo? Viva homo?”

She smiled, forcefully. That didn’t sound like a hello, but she’d take it. “Hello,” she said. “Do you have any boxes?” She made the shape of a box with her hands.

“The Box Ghost? You’re saying that if I can’t get directions, my next step is to try to summon the Box Ghost?”

“Hey, believe it or not I’ve got an agreement with a lot of the regulars. If they bring back lost humans, they get, um. A nonlethal free day. In Amity Park. I can get you a list. And even if you end up in a weird time, like, before I made the deal or something, the Box Ghost is pretty easy. Worst case scenario, you can even let Walker catch you. He always sends humans back.”

Jazz sat on the edge of the town, a cardboard box in hand, purse lighter by a novelty pencil sharpener and the spare screws and bolts. “Oh, great and powerful and completely terrifying Box Ghost,” she said, feeling ridiculous. “I have an offering for your awful, terribleness. It’s cubical and cardboard-ical. Cardboard. Whatever.” She sighed. “This isn’t going to work, is it?”

“DID SOMEONE CALL UPON THE FRIGHTENING AND FRIGHTFUL BOX GHOST, MASTER OF RECTANGULAR CARDBOARD PACKAGES?”

Jazz shrieked and almost fell off the island.

The Box Ghost blinked down at her. “Beware?” he said.

“Hi,” said Jazz. “A gift?” She held up the box.

“THE CARDBOARD IS MINE!” He leaped on the box and held it to his chest like a baby. “What do you want from the HORRIFYING BOX GHOST?”

“So, uh, I know you have a deal with my brother?”

“WHOMST?”

“My brother,” repeated Jazz. “Danny. Phantom?”

The Box Ghost stared at her blankly.

“To get humans back to Amity Park?”

“THE BOX GHOST DOES NOT KNOW THE REALM OF WHICH YOU SPEAK?”

That wasn’t good. The opposite, really. If the Box Ghost didn’t recognize Danny’s name…

“What if I am in the past?” Jazz had asked.

“Get back to Earth anyway, and survive. Find a way to get a message to the present. Between the Infi-Map and, um, other contacts I have–”

“Time grandpa,” Tucker interjected.

“I should be able to go get you if I know where and when you are. But I need to know when and where you are.”

Then, Jazz had asked why he couldn't just pick her up at the exact moment she'd arrived, if he was going to time travel anyway, and that had spurred a migrane-inducing argument about paradoxes. Jazz had gotten the impression that the real reason was more along the lines of ‘Danny isn’t allowed to have any more paradoxes’ than ‘the universe won't let paradoxes exist.’

Jazz smiled thinly. “Can you get me to Earth?” she asked. “Please? It’ll be worth your while.”

“Worth the while of the GREAT BOX GHOST?”

“Yep. It might take a while, but you’ll get more of those.” She nodded towards the box in the ghost’s arms. “Consider it an investment in future, um, fear.”

“FEAR?”

“Yes. As in, um, fear me?”

“No, you shall FEAR ME!”

“Exactly,” said Jazz. “Just like that. Can you do it? Or… is it beyond the powers of even the Box Ghost?”

“NOTHING IS BEYOND THE BOX GHOST! I AM EXTREME IN EVERY WAY! THE BOX GHOST WILL SHOW THE STRANGE GIRL WITH GIFTS THE WAY TO HIS SECRET PORTAL!”

At least something was going right. “Thanks,” Jazz said. “That sounds great. I really appreciate it. Where is it?”

“FOLLOW ME!” The Box Ghost paused. “AND FEAR ME!”

He flew off, and Jazz struggled to keep up. Luckily, the Box Ghost was courteous enough to stop for her every once in a while. The flight seemed to go on forever, but, eventually, they came to a stop in front of a twisting, spluttering portal.

“Does this really lead to the Earth?” Jazz asked.

“THE BOX GHOST DOES NOT LIE!”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean to imply that. It’s just… is it always so sparky?”

“IT IS UNSTABLE! ONLY THE BOX GHOST IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO USE IT!”

Which meant that it could spit her out anywhere, at any time. But at least she’d be on Earth, AKA somewhere she could eat the food and drink the water.

“It doesn’t come out above an ocean, does it?”

“THERE ARE NO BOXES IN THE OCEAN. THE BOX GHOST HAS NO USE FOR IT.”

“What about crab pots?” asked Jazz.

“THE BOX GHOST DOES NOT INTERFERE WITH THE COUNCILS OF CRABS.”

Jazz… wasn’t going to examine that too closely. She braced herself and flew into the portal. The transition this time wasn’t the smooth, blink-and-you’re-in-another-dimension it had been with her parents’ weapon. It had turbulence, and lots of it. It was like being in a washing machine. Or a blender. A really fast blender. One that pulsed and shook and sang a song while it was at it.

It spit her out ten feet above ground. It wouldn’t have been a problem for a ghost, but for a human… Well, at least she didn’t break any bones. Instead, she laid, winded, on the ground. Tall grass framed her vision on all sides. The sun was hot overhead. Which was… less than ideal. It had been Autumn this morning. However long from now that was.

Jazz rubbed her temples. All she had to do was send a message, satisfy Danny’s no-paradox rule, and then she’d be home. Until then, she would survive. She refused to saddle Danny with the guilt associated with her disappearing.

She got up. Looked around. There was a dirt road. She staggered over to it and flipped a coin to decide whether to go left or right. Left it was.

She grew steadier as she walked, but the heat was punishing. She took off her sweater and was tempted to take her shirt off, too. She was wearing a sports bra underneath. It wasn’t like it’d be indecent.

Unless she’d been dropped into the eighteen hundreds. Best not to risk it.

The dirt road became gravel, became poorly-paved asphalt, merged onto another, bigger road… A road with a recognizable name. Jazz wasn’t that far away from Amity Park. She could probably even call… home…

“I’m stupid,” she said out loud. She pulled out her phone. No service. Typical. She kept walking. And walking. And walking.

And then she saw the smoke. Right where Amity Park should be. She ran, then.

She crested the hill, passed the Welcome to Amity Park sign - something was off about it, but she didn’t stop to try and see what it was. She hit the top of the next hill and stopped.

That– That wasn’t Amity Park. At least, it wasn’t her Amity Park. The buildings were bigger. Shinier. Whiter, even. The logo for the GIW sat proudly on one of the tallest ones.

And so many of them were smashed. Burning. Green blurs swirled and fought with white ones. She sat down.

“And what if I wind up in the future instead?”

“I don't know, hope the rest of us don't cause the apocalypse before you get back?”

There was one more explosion, and then a high-pitched wail, a ghostly wail, threw all of the shapes back and away. The white ones didn’t come back.

Jazz… wasn’t sure what to do. She watched. She waited.

And then a familiar shape appeared out of the air in front of her. It was Danny, but… not. He was thinner. Sharper. There was silver and ice in his hair, and blood and ectoplasm on his face. “Hi, Jazz,” he said, smiling sheepishly despite the dark gleam in his eyes. “Well… it isn’t the apocalypse, so…” He spread his hands to either side, and the GIW building behind him fell over. “Welcome home?”

#phic phight 2024 #phic phight #danny phantom #fic #jazz fenton

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lethalchiralium · 2 years ago

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Middle of the Summer | König x Wife!Reader

a/n: RAHHH IM HERE! i love the big man. (dedicated to @peachesofteal and @as-is-above-so-below like always 😎)

warnings: A baby. That’s it lol

summary: König is terrified that he’s going to hurt his newborn daughter, but you need sleep.

“She’s- No, no, please put her back.”

You hugged a little, pulling your newborn back to your chest.

“Schatzi, she is much more, how do you say… Empfindlich. Weiß nicht, wie sagt man ‘Empfindlich’ auf Englisch?” He muttered to himself, shaking his head a little as he curled his hands to his chest. “Ah… Schatzi, she is too small for me.”

You patted the crying baby’s bottom, exhaustion making you a little more snappy than you had even been with him. “König, she will be fine. You’re big to everyone.”

“But she ist meine Tochter. I can’t hurt her, I’m her Papa.” His head cocked to the side, his hand settled on the little one’s back. “I could drop her, I could accidentally hold her too hard, ich könnte meinem Baby wehtun. I don’t want to hurt her.”

You took in a breath, bouncing on your foot just a little to try and get Avis to calm down as you said, “I need to sleep. It’s been two weeks, the only time you touch her is when I’m holding her.”

König just stared at his daughter, his anxiety drowning every sense he had. What if he did hurt her? What if he nicked her with one of his nails? Or he held onto her too tight and she couldn’t breathe? Or he held her little arm too tight and broke it?

You huffed again. “What are you gonna do if I have to be gone all day and can’t take her with me?”

“Wait for you to come back.” He murmured, eyes looked up to meet yours - and he did not like the look you gave him.

Fury. “Leon,” He swallowed his tongue, you never used his first name. Ever. “You put her in me, you can hold her before I commit more war crimes than Ghost does on a Thursday morning.”

You peeled the screeching baby from your chest, holding her towards him. His hands moved from his chest slowly, fear gnawed at his throat like a rabid dog. He was about to step away when you placed his daughter on his chest, her screaming got even louder. You moved one of his hands to hold her bottom, then moved the other to hold her back before placing your own hand on his cheek.

“Do not wake me. There will be Hell to pay.”

He swallowed his response, only nodding before your hands left your child, the weight of his daughter now solely in his own grip. His head whipped around to you, seeing you gaze at him from the doorway. His mouth opened before shutting again, the cries of his daughter made his stomach twist into knots even more. They were so much louder now that you weren’t holding her, Avis was upset and he didn’t know what to do. He looked back down at her, hearing your footsteps disappear down the hall to your shared bedroom.

Avis was fed and changed, she’s probably just tired. Right? She can’t be upset, there’s nothing for her to be upset over, right?

He’s never had experience with babies before. He’s too big, he’s always been too big for anyone to feel comfortable handing their tiny child to him - yet you did. Granted, you are incredibly sleep deprived and he felt bad about it, but he couldn’t help it. He kept the little thing to his chest, hurriedly moving to the padded rocking chair across the room. He sat down, instantly rocking the chair as the little one gripped onto his shirt. Her little head began to fall backwards, but he was quick to keep it supported against his chest. He got an easier idea, one that wouldn’t include that much handling.

He gently rested Avis on his thighs, the baby settled in the middle of his closed legs. She stared curiously up at him, little eyes glossed with fatigue as her cries grew weary. “Empfindlich was the word I said. I believe it means delicate. And you are delicate, you are like glass.” His finger poked her little belly, the baby’s foot kicked as she sniffled a cry. The grey eyes that looked identical to his gazed at his large hand then to his eyes again. He continued, “Fragile. You are too little for ein großes Monster wie ich.”

Avis kicked her feet a little again, another screech sounded from her lips before she finally settled into whimpers from the nice rocking pace of the chair. König had read once that some sort of swaddling, but a quick glance around his immediately vicinity, he had no blanket to wrap his daughter in. Panic clawed its way down his chest as he watched the girl fight off slumber, wanting to watch him intently. Then, without a second thought in his head, he gently rested his hand on top of Avis’s chest.

Every small cry from his daughter immediately ceased, her little hands grabbed his fingers - they were barely big enough to hold his fingertips. The tiny inflation of her lungs pushed his hand up, then it descended as she breathed out.

The panic in his chest had stopped at once.

“You are good. You are made of goodness.” He murmured, wiggling the fingers her little hands were clamped around. She simply cooed. “I want you to be small like this forever. Could you promise your Papa this one thing?”

The little coo and kick of her feet gave him her answer.

———

You had slept a good eight hours before you woke up. When you opened your eyes and pulled yourself out of bed, you noticed that the midnight moonlight had disappeared from your house and was replaced by warm morning sunshine. No sounds of crying could be heard, no noises of any kind - just the smell of summer as it wafted through the house. You made your way towards the nursery, discovering a sweet sight.

Beside softly billowing curtains in front of the open window was your husband, settled on the rocking chair. His legs kept bent at the knee, his head leaned uncomfortably against the headrest and his hand settled on something in his lap. You quietly made your way over to the crib, worry gripped your heart when you didn’t see Avis there. You then turned back to König, now being much closer to him to see that his hand was resting on your daughter’s chest.

You watched his hand rise and fall with the breath of your daughter, relief flooded your body like a river. Your husband’s head moved a little downwards, his hand gently patting the baby’s belly. The little girl was passed out cold, her little mouth open. As was König, eyes fluttering as he slept.

And with you instantly getting your phone, the picture of the father and daughter became your lock screen.

———

#lethal chiralium #lethalchiralium #könig call of duty #könig mw2 #könig x you #könig #könig x wife!reader #cod könig #könig x fem!reader #könig x fem reader #könig x afab!reader #konig cod #konig call of duty #konig mw2 #konig x wife!reader #konig x reader #konig x female reader

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thatsmzbitchtoyou · 7 months ago

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The Fuck Up FINAL Chapter 6

Summary: Bucky fucked up. A few times. Will his best friend ever be able to forgive him?

Warnings: language, smut, mentions of war, injury, pregnancy

Previous Chapter

Bucky unofficially moved in with Y/N that first week. He never slept at his parents’ house anymore, and moved almost all of his things over to her house. It wasn’t something they discussed, it was just assumed that he was staying. As Bucky started his retirement from the military he got a job at the local bookshop in the small town she lived in. Her income from the online company she worked for and the photography side business was enough to handle the bills by herself, but he wanted to contribute and make sure he was doing his part in providing what little he could outside of his military benefits.

They’d gotten into a routine, becoming the little family that he’d always dreamed of. Avi grew and his sweet personality started to shine through. Every day seemed like a celebration of some kind in Bucky’s mind. Avi’s first roll over, his first uncomplaining tummy time, his first word, his first stand, it all was cause for an announcement as his baby got stronger. His relationship with Y/N was slower and more intentional as they got to know each other in this new dynamic. After Avi’s first birthday Bucky felt like it was time to shoot his shot.

“Hey honey!” he called out as he got home.

“Hey!” she called back from the kitchen. He followed her voice and saw her cooking dinner as Avi was in the bouncer watching “Bluey” and kicking his legs frantically. The whole scene was so domestic, so wholesome, that he smiled widely as he walked over to Avi.

“Hey little man!” he greeted him. Avi turned to him and smiled, grunting and reaching his hands up for him. “Come here. Have you been good for Mama today?” Avi gurgled a response as Bucky picked him up and hugged him, kissing his cheek.

“He was great,” Y/N answered, turning to look at Bucky briefly before going back to the stove.

Bucky approached her and gave her a side hug and kissed her temple. “And how was your day?”

Y/N returned his side hug and squished Avi’s cheek before focusing on the pan in front of her. “It was alright. Got that big project finally done. If I don’t have to answer another email from that John dude again it will be a great day,” she said as she started plating the pasta dish she’d made.

“Ugh, John,” Bucky grumped as Avi made a noise. “Yeah, fuck John.”

“Buck!” Y/N slapped his arm. “Quit using grown up words in front of the baby!”

Bucky laughed as he moved away from her when she tried to swipe at him again. They all sat at the table and ate dinner, talking about their days and what was on the schedule coming up in the next week.

“What are you doing next Saturday?” Bucky asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Uh…nothing. Why?” Y/N asked, finishing her bite of food.

“Well, I may or may not have asked my parents to watch Avi that night,” he said, not looking at her.

Y/N’s eyes narrowed at him. “Okay?”

He then leaned forward on the table and looked at her. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

Y/N’s eyes widened, her eyebrows raising and a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “A date?” Bucky nodded. “You and me?” He nodded again, a smirk forming on his lips. She paused as she looked at him, her smile widening. “Yeah…okay.”

Bucky’s smirked deepened and he looked down at the table. “Awesome. Wear something comfy.”

A week later Bucky’s parents showed up to watch Avi. They shooed Bucky and Y/N out the door, shutting it firmly for good measure. “Jeez,” Y/N scoffed. “Well, where are you taking me, Buck?”

“The next town over,” Bucky said as he opened her passenger side car door for her. She got in and they drove off. After about 35 minutes of them talking he pulled up to a massage place.

“Oh my god,” Y/N sputtered as he helped her out of the car. “Is this a spa night?”

“Damn right,” Bucky replied, holding her hand and pulling her inside.

They were ushered into a room where they were given the run down of the couples package. When they were left alone Y/N turned to Bucky. “We’re going to get professional facials and massages, and then be left alone to…massage each other? What kind of massage place did you take us to?”

“The kind of place that believes in romance,” Bucky said, giving her a teasing look of looking taken aback. “Don’t you believe in romance?”

Y/N laughed at his affronted gaze. “Of course I do. This is just very romantic for a first date.”

“So you’re saying I have a chance at a second?” he leaned in, wiggling his eyebrows at her. She laughed again as the estheticians came in to start the facials.

Bucky had wanted a spa night for Y/N, but didn’t realize just how much she needed one until he heard all the sounds she made as they lay side by side on the tables getting the facials and massages. Her moans, groans, and whimpers were making him struggle to keep decency in front of his masseuse. When they were left alone with glasses of champagne after the couples massage they both sat up on their respective tables.

“God, that was good,” Y/N sighed as she stretched her legs and arms, holding the towel around her.

“Wasn’t it?” Bucky agreed as he kept a hold of his towel around his hips. He stood up to stretch as well and turned around to adjust the blanket on the table. When he did he heard a gasp behind him and looked at Y/N. She was staring at his back. He almost forgot about the scars from the shrapnel, and quickly turned back and sat so she couldn’t see them.

“Buck…” she stood and moved towards him. “What…?”

Bucky sighed as he let her come to him and she swerved around to see his back, her fingers softly running along one of the scars. “I’m fine, Y/N.” She looked at his face, her eyes starting to well up with tears. “Oh honey, no,” he reached up and cupped her cheek. “Seriously, I’m fine. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I should have…I’m sorry,” he rubbed her cheek with his thumb, swiping an errant tear away.

“What happened?” Y/N said, her free hand now resting on his chest.

Bucky breathed deeply. “One of my guys stepped on a landmine.” Y/N’s eyes blinked rapidly to stop any more tears from falling, and she bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “It threw me and Steve, we were both hit with shrapnel. Two of our teammates were killed. It took two surgeries but they got it all out and I was healing by the time I got home,” he finished, and moved his hand from her face to her hand on his chest. “I’m okay. I should have told you…” he swallowed and looked away from her.

Y/N took her hand away from his chest and adjusted her towel tightly around her so she could use both hands. She stepped between his legs and reached up to cradle his face in her hands to make him look at her. She looked at him for a moment, then pulled him into a hug. She held his head against her chest and her hands wandered to run through his hair that had finally grown back out to the length she liked, massaged his neck and his shoulders, and skimmed lightly down his back, tracing the scars. Bucky accepted the embrace, tucking his face into her neck as she moved her hands, his fingers gripping the towel at her back. He felt her kiss the side of his head, then his cheek, then she moved his head back and started to kiss along his jawline.

Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed as she continued kissing his face. She kept narrowly missing his lips, driving him crazy with every pass. “You came home to me,” she murmured, her lips grazing his skin.

“I promised,” Bucky whispered back, his hands gripping her hips tightly. “You are my home, honey. Always have been.”

Y/N moved so her nose skimmed along his cheek, her breath fanning his face. “And you’ve always been mine.” Then she kissed him.

It was like their night together all over again. Her kiss felled the last wall of their friendship, and blasted his last shred of sanity. He kissed her back wildly, his hands pulling her against him as if he was afraid she’d disappear. It felt so right, predestined, predetermined, that they should be together sharing this moment. Then there was a knock at the door.

“Excuse me, Barnes couple? Your time is up!”

Y/N broke the kiss but didn’t move far, still holding Bucky’s face. He sighed loudly before clearing his throat. “Thank you, we’ll be out shortly!”

Y/N giggled, then briefly kissed him again. “It’s getting late, we should get home and relieve your parents.”

Bucky hung his head. “Yeah, let’s go home.”

After they got home and got Avi to sleep, Bucky entered Y/N’s room. She watched him as he slowly walked over to her. “Thank you for going out with me tonight.”

Y/N laughed and hugged him, looking up at him. “Thank you for the spa night. I really needed that.”

“You deserve it,” Bucky said seriously. “Can I take you out again?”

“Yes,” she said immediately. “I’d love that.”

“I feel like we’ve jumped a lot of steps,” Bucky laughed.

“We have. I already love you,” Y/N admitted, looking away and leaning her forehead against his chest, hiding her face.

Bucky’s heart felt like it could burst. “I’ve always loved you,” he admitted. He used his finger to lift her chin back up to look at him. “I love you, honey. I’m in love with you. You’re it for me.”

Y/N pulled back and laced her fingers into his hair, pulling him down so she could reach and kiss him. “You’re it for me.”

THE END

I hope y'all liked this one! I got a lot of comments on it being infuriating, which was great. Thank you for all the likes, comments, reblogs and follows! <3

#marvel #smut #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x reader #series fanfic #chapter 6 #final chapter #soldier!bucky barnes #marine!bucky barnes #buckywiththelonghair

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blondiedae · 1 month ago

Text

dry house, wet clothes (eight)

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃 dry house, wet clothes, eight

pairing. johnny suh x afab!reader x jeong jaehyun

genre. angst, fluff, eventual smut, slow burn (for jaehyun), friends to lovers (for johnny)

warnings. swearing, kissing, still big miscommunication trope. mild angst but this time there’s a lot of fluff, reader celebrates Christmas (for real, but briefly), oral (giving, receiving - Johnny is a fiend for it idk), romantic penetrative sex, use of pet names (babe, baby, Juliet), unprotected sex

word count. 11,957

plot. the four of you have spent years building the world around you, your friendship, your weekends together hidden in jaehyun's loft. you, mark, johnny and jaehyun. shaking the foundation of that by being in love with your best friend, jaehyun, is a risk you've never been confident enough to take. but, johnny suh is confident and johnny suh has been known to shake the world around you.

other's mentioned. lee haechan (donghyuck), best friend mark lee, na jaemin, lee jeno, lee taeyong, nakamoto yuta, ten lee, liu yangyang, huang renjun, dong sicheng (winwin)

author's note. oooooooh my heart is breaking. the delay and the content. the parts of this chapter that are lost. i hope you all still enjoy. i’m sorry, again

taglist (open). @xiaojunsdino @yoursyuno @girlisaloser

playlist. here!

5:21pm Sky is clear tonight, babe. Can I see you?

Two nights later and the Winter sky was kind, pushing snow-he is avy clouds away to let the stars sparkle, again. The moon had just made its debut in the sky, kissing the sun to sleep, and Johnny had texted you; like he was waiting for the night, like he’d timed it perfectly. You smiled, you couldn’t help but smile. You’d been smiling since October and your cheeks ached from it, but you wouldn’t stop. Couldn’t stop.

5:24pm When should I come over?

He typed, in an instant, 5:24pm Preferably, two hours ago when I got home 😞

Cheeks aching, the muscles begging for a break, you replied, 5:25pm I’m on my way.

His apartment was covered in moonlight, a wash of blue against shades of white, grey, beige. Johnny had turned off every light, leading you inside and offering an apology, “I opened your present. Wanted to get it set up.”

The telescope positioned near the windows had a striped bow on it, “That’s okay. It’s incredible.”

“You wanna get comfy before you test it?” He nodded towards his bedroom, “I put one of my shirts on the bed.”

“Okay. Give me a second.”

Johnny held onto your hand as long as you’d let him, watching after you in hues of blue until you were out of his line of sight. His heart thumped in his chest eight times, slowly and intentional, before you came back in his t-shirt. In just his t-shirt, goosebumps covering your thighs, “Are you cold?”

“I‘ll be okay.”

“Go on. Go give it a try.” Johnny pushed at your hips, body flush against yours, “See if we can find you.”

Your giggles echoed, “Okay.”

Perspective was such a strange thing, one change and you were awestruck. The night sky had never been so clear, brilliant in front of you like you were amongst them. Your breath caught in your lungs, struggling against your ribs and leaving you wordless, thoughtless, awestruck. You didn’t even know where to begin, you’d never know. You’d spent a lifetime studying charts that shifted and expanded and always changed, right before your eyes. There were constants, the brightest stars, but there was too much that was unknown. You swallowed, “It’s so beautiful out there.”

Johnny was close behind you still, living vicariously through you and soaking up your energy, “Are they shining for you, baby?”

It was a whisper, “They are.”

He told you, “Just for you.”

“I’m there.” You pointed, just over the telescope and towards the sky. Johnny tried to follow, squinting like it would help, “My star is there.”

It was nestled next to the brightest point, shining just for you, just like Johnny said. A star that shared your name. Your heart skipped, flipped, contracted and expanded in a matter of seconds. The thought that you were floating in the sky, that you’d floated away and Johnny had let you, started a ripple in your heart that consumed your entire body. The breath you let out shook as a result.

“I’ve never seen them like this.”

You were lost in the night sky, one eye closed and the other bouncing from star to star, back to you - to your star. A brilliant constellation that you were part of, in the smallest way, in the most beautiful way. Your heart was on overdrive, your head doing the best it could to keep up. Johnny shifted near you, nearer to you. Johnny who made you a star, Johnny who made sure you could always find yourself, seek yourself out in the night sky. Johnny who thrust you into the sky and, if you chose to stay there, found a way to always find you, himself.

He watched you, something swelling in his chest, something he didn’t want to place just yet. He’d felt it twice before and Johnny could remember those exact moments, he cherished them just as much as this one. The way you looked, mouth hanging open with awe, adoration, admiration for something you found so beautiful. He tucked this moment in with the night at Jungwoo’s and the night he asked you to be his.

The night you said, “Yes.”

The early morning hours of something new; you, him, the approaching November day. Now, in December, he felt it again. It was warm, welcoming, all-consuming and strange; a feeling so unique it felt catered to you. The way you smiled, the way you laughed, the way you teased him and indulged him and touched him. Johnny was overwhelmed by it for a moment. His hands were shaking at his sides, his tongue licked at his suddenly dry lips.

Your hands were hovering over the telescope, adjusting it and turning it how you needed. You would gasp here and sigh there, a quiet “wow” or a softer “this is insane.” Johnny just watched, he loved to do it. He’d spent six months on stolen glances, quelling the persistent swelling that sat so heavily in his chest. Johnny would happily stare, unabashed and beaming, now.

At you, at you, always at you; his girlfriend. His Juliet.

He turned to the stars, watching them with a naked eye. The lights further down borrowed their glow, stole their shimmer. Grounded stars beneath you, shifting and soaring stars above you. Brilliant and beautiful light, either way. Moonlight or streetlights, starlight or candlelight - Johnny would find you in it, he’d keep you in it, he’d fill you with it and make sure it was always shining. He’d never take light from you, never pull you from this moment.

Not when you looked like that.

Johnny waited for you to let out a breath before he moved, hands still trembling. He stepped closer to you, “What do you see, babe?”

You sighed, his lips on your neck, “Everything.”

“Tell me.” He stopped behind you, “Can I touch you?”

You started to turn, started to ground yourself to look back at Johnny. He was quick to stop you, a ghost-like grip on your jaw, turning your face back towards the telescope, back towards the sky. He scolded, “Keep looking. Answer the question.”

Finding your voice, saying the words without stumbling over them, felt impossible, “Yes, you can touch me.”

His hands found your waist, pulled at the fabric of his shirt while Johnny sank to his knees. He left open-mouth kisses on the skin of your lower back, just above your panties, and his hands gripped your hips. Johnny hummed against you, biting at the skin, pulling the fabric of your panties with his teeth until they slid down your legs.

“Johnny-“

“Tell me about the stars.” His voice was barely above a whisper, “Name them for me.”

“I…”

He nudged your legs apart, positioning himself between you and the telescope, face buried between your thighs. Johnny took a deep breath in, “Words, baby. Come on.”

“N-navi.”

“Spell it.”

“N.” Johnny’s tongue moved, swirling around your clit. “A.” Again, he moved, tracing the shape of an ‘A’ - of every letter you managed to get out, “V.” He was in perfect sync with your body, just as breathless as you were, “I.”

You were quivering, knees weak and ready to give in. Johnny held you, firm, at your thighs, “Another one.”

“Caph. C-a-p-h.” Each letter had you moaning, writhing again, struggling to hold on. You tried to focus on the stars, that’s what Johnny wanted. He wanted you to see stars, “Oh my God.”

One hand slid up your thigh, two fingers pressing slowly into you, sinking into your warmth. You fell into moans, sighs and whispered chants. Johnny’s tongue worked to spell out words he wouldn’t tell you, words he couldn’t say yet, circled and teased your clit while his fingers pumped inside your cunt, “One more baby. Give me one more.”

He wanted you to see stars, Johnny was on his knees begging. Your eyes were screwed shut, body slumped and holding onto an unstable telescope. You breathed, “I can’t. Can’t…”

He pushed in a third finger, then a fourth, “Say my name, then.”

“Johnny.”

J-o-h-n-n-y.

Traced, spelled out into your pussy like a promise, like a prayer. Johnny wrote his name, begged you on his knees, and you saw the stars. Exploding behind your eyelids; brilliant supernovas, constellations, meteor showers at his touch. Your voice cracked, moaning out praises - his name, his promise. Johnny could feel your knees buckling and eased you down as best he could, toppling over onto him and into his arms.

“What do you see, baby?”

Your eyes were still closed, “Stars.”

He laughed, “Come back to me.”

And you did, when the flares and fire subsided, you opened your eyes and saw him. Johnny with the sun in his eyes, you with the stars, “Hi Johnny.”

“Hi babe.” He kissed your fingertips, “I want to do something. Will you let me?”

“Okay.”

His t-shirt stayed bunched at your legs and he fiddled with the hem before asking, “Can I take this off?”

“Yes.”

He was careful, pulling it over your head. Johnny took his time. You were among the things bathed in beautiful blue moonlight, bare and panting in his arms. Johnny almost lost his mind, almost forgot every move he wanted to make. He felt your hands pull at his waistband, hesitant to ask but wanting, so much, to feel, “What do you want?”

“You?”

His smile was dazzling, heavy-lidded, “Me? I’m yours.”

“Want to see you.”

His cock strained against his pants, bulging against the blue and green plaid. You’d pulled the waistband down far enough to see the tip, leaking onto his stomach. Running your finger along his abdomen, watching the shiver run down Johnny's spine, you scooped up the precum and brought it to your lips. Johnny groaned as your tongue slipped around your fingertip, hips rolling up, “Fuck.”

“Want to taste you, again.” Johnny’s mind went blank, save for thoughts of you on your knees in his shower, his kitchen, your bedroom floor. He had a plan he was losing sight of, mind so clouded he couldn’t think to speak. You pulled at his pants, tugging them down his legs until his cock sprang up and your mouth watered, “Please, Johnny.”

“Baby, you’re gonna…” Your lips wrapped around the tip, “Fuck. Fuck. Just like that.”

You fit perfectly around it; every part of you. Your mouth opened wider, wetting it with spit that fell from your swollen lips before you took more and more and more of him in. Johnny was lost, vision blurred and hands gripping your hair as you bobbed up and down. He could feel you choking on it, so close to taking all of him in that it made Johnny dizzy.

A long, deep moan wrapped around your name, “Take all of it. You can take all of it.”

Your moan vibrated in your throat, around his cock, and Johnny could’ve let go, then. The sight of stars from behind his eyelids brought him back to Earth, closer to the city lights beneath the two of you. He lifted your head, watching the string of spit from his cock to your lips snap before he said, “Slow down.”

Your heart skipped, “I’m sorry.”

“No. God, no, baby don’t be sorry. I just…” He pulled himself up to his knees, sitting directly in front of you, eyes never leaving yours - keeping you with him, “I just want to slow down.”

He held your face and you told him, “You’re so beautiful.”

Words he’d repeated to you, words you meant, words shared between the two of you whenever you had the chance. He smiled, he couldn’t help it. The swelling in his chest overwhelmed him again, “I want to…” He thought to say it, the words he’d left between your thighs, “I want to go slow, I want to be with you and see you.”

“That’s what you wanted to try?”

He thought to say it, how his heart beat eight times in a beautiful rhythm, “Something like that. Go slow with me, baby.”

He’d let you set the pace for so long, he’d left everything up to you. You’d happily do anything, everything he wanted, “Of course.”

Johnny kissed you, lips still sticky with the taste of you, yours wet with the taste of him. He pulled you onto his lap, hands on your thighs, your waist, tangled in your hair. You tugged the strands at the nape of his neck and remembered how it felt to hear him moan like that, the first time - a lifetime away. Johnny’s cock was hot, heavy between you, poking at your stomach. You wanted to touch him again, but you waited for him to lead.

For Johnny to go slow.

He wrapped his hand around the base of his cock, “Up.”

You listened, lifting your hips enough for Johnny to position himself at your entrance, for him to drag his cock along your pussy and drench it in you. Johnny’s hand fell to your hip, guiding you to sit, to sink onto his cock - slowly, torturous, dizzying. His breathing, your breathing, the sound of your pussy clenching around him and pulling him in. Johnny didn’t move, once he’d buried himself there. He settled into his resting place and you wouldn’t dare move unless you told you to. Not with the blissed out look on his face, not with the sun burning in his eyes.

“I…” He choked on his words, eyes focused on only you, “You are…”

“Touch me, Johnny.”

He nodded, hands trembling again as they groped at your breasts. His hips rolled up, seeking friction and reeling when he found it. Your pussy gripped him, locked him in a trance. Your own hips circled, matched his tantalizing pace, “Kiss me.”

Breaths and moans and sighs shared between you; air mixing in your lungs, moans seeping into your tongue. Kissing Johnny was enough, it was always enough. Losing yourself in his lips while he was buried inside you, throbbing inside you, moving so slowly inside you, was something else. It was something new.

Johnny bucked his hips, the tip of his cock hitting the spot that made you scream, clawing at his back, “Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.”

He wanted more.

Johnny leaned you backwards, lips latching onto your nipples. He pulled one between his teeth, sucked on it and nipped at it before switching to the other. He angled himself on his knees, hips working his cock deep in you. The pace was perfect, you were a mess on top of him, he was keeping his promise and coming so close. Still, it wasn’t enough.

“Baby, lay back.” You did, Johnny pulled out of you slowly with a long groan and a bruising grip on your hips, “Roll over baby.”

He helped you onto your side, positioning himself behind you and grabbing his throbbing cock with one hand. The other wrapped around you, held you at your chest and pinched at your nipples. When he sank into you again, Johnny begged, “Look at me.”

You turned your head, looking over your shoulder and gasping every time Johnny fucked into you. He was moving faster with every thrust, grunting at the hold you had on him, “Fuck me, Johnny.”

He was doing so much more than that, Johnny’s mind was reeling. He wanted you to feel it, wanted to leave it on every inch of you. His hips stuttered, slapping against your ass, “M’close. So fucking close. Your pussy - fuck, sweet pussy is made for me.”

“I’m close too.” Your voice was hoarse, eyes locked on Johnny - every expression, the sweat on his brow, how his lips moved to say your name, “Wanna feel it, wanna…”

“Look at your stars, baby.” Your head turned away from him, slowly, staring up and out the windows to the stars. Johnny saw them reflected in your eyes, “All for you.”

The stars; they were yours, just as he was. He’d capture every one of them, pick out every one and put your name on it - make a wish on you, for you, with you. Johnny watched and you shook against him, cunt clenching around him. He waited as long as he could, pulling out to cum all over your back. He painted you in white, held you against him until he was part of the masterpiece, too. Then, Johnny held your chin between his fingertips, one more time, and asked, “Let me see you?”

Mascara ran down your cheeks, stained the corners of your eyes, “Hi.”

“Hi.” Johnny pressed a hungry kiss to your lips, “You still here with me?”

“I’m here.”

“Good. Let me get you cleaned up.”

It was freezing as soon as he pulled away and he was only gone a moment - reaching just far enough for his shirt, using it to wipe away the mess he’d made of the two of you; his masterpiece. Johnny made gentle work of it, humming and kissing your neck, your shoulders, your spine.

Places you’d never thought he’d touch and places you’d always want him to be. You looked to the moon; the last time you’d seen it, it had been less full. The moon had only been a fraction of itself the last time the clouds were kind enough to clear the sky. Now, it was nearly full, bursting with reflected light. The moon had entered another phase, it had changed. Just as the stars had shifted over time, burned brighter and then duller.

Everything changed. Everything always would.

He shifted behind you, again, letting the moonlight on your skin keep you company, “How do you feel about change?”

Johnny laughed, “Can I have a minute to recoup?”

He lifted your head, settling it on his lap and leaning back against his couch. He’d pulled a blanket from the couch and draped it over you, “Does it scare you?”

“Sometimes.” It was such a simple answer, close to comforting when Johnny looked down at you, “I think it scares everyone, at first.”

“It’s terrifying.”

“What is going on in your head?”

“So much.” Johnny looked at you, sympathy pulling his features down in a way you’d never seen. A way that made your heart ache, “It’s nothing actually.”

“It’s not. Tell me.” His hand pushed your hair back, “Please.”

“I really like you Johnny.”

“Me too, baby.” He smiled, it eased you. So when he asked, you didn’t hesitate, “Keep going.”

“I think…I think I’m afraid of change. In such a big way that I don’t let myself even try.” You couldn’t look at him, you took to the stars. How they sparkled through the telescope made them look dim, just like this. They were fading, they didn’t twinkle, they’d lost their shine. You tried to get your eyes to focus, your mind, anything, “You know that though, don’t you?”

Johnny mulled over his answer, filled the silence with thought, “You just need a push.”

“That’s so selfish.”

“It’s not. Needing security and reassurance isn’t selfish.”

“I think I’m selfish.”

He shook his head, then, adjusting so he was parallel to you, handling you with so much care. Johnny didn’t give you the choice but to look at him, to take him in. He caged you in, an arm on either side, and told you, softly, “You’re not. You want what everyone in this world does.”

“What’s that?”

“Safety.” It struck you, a one word answer and it felt like a jolt of electricity. Johnny took your hand in his, “It’s not the change that’s scary; it’s all the what ifs. It’s not knowing what comes after it.”

“Oh.”

Johnny thought for a moment, wondered if he should say it, then decided on telling you, “You read a lot of books where the ending is predictable, but life isn’t supposed to be predictable. You’re not supposed to know what comes next.”

“I know.”

“Did you predict me?” It felt like a test, but Johnny’s tone was so easy that you couldn’t feel anything but calm, “Us?”

“There was no way I could have.”

“Exactly. I didn’t either.” He looked up, eyes focused outside, past the city light and skyward, “You want to know a secret?”

Your voice shook, clutching onto any part of Johnny you could - seeking out his warmth as a means of security, a means of reassurance, a means of safety, “Yeah.”

“I was terrified confessing to you.” Johnny looked back at you, into your eyes where the stars lingered, “I was scared of that change.”

“Why?”

He kissed your lips, “Two reasons. If you rejected me, it could’ve been something weird between us. I think we would’ve recovered, but my stupid, fat crush on you wouldn’t have gone away overnight.” He grinned at you, so you giggled and smiled back. Your hands played with his hair, twirling it between your fingers where it dangled above you, “If you didn’t reject me-”

“I didn’t.”

“Thank God for that. But, if it all went well, I’d have to prove to you that I was worth whatever risk you thought came with it.” Johnny pulled back layers of himself before you, showing you doubts you couldn’t picture him having. He walked you through his mind, a guided tour into his thoughts, and hoped you’d understand him more. Perspective shifted, like the stars, and you held your breath. Johnny who was always certain was confessing to an uncertainty, one he dwelled on; you, “I’m still working on that.”

He’d made jokes about it, about changing his mind and you’d taken them at face value - it was so Johnny to find humor in anything, it suited him. He’d eased you into everything, step by step by step. Now he was easing you into himself. He shifted your view of him in an instant and, again, your heart leapt. And, with a beating heart lodged in your throat, you assured him, “You don’t have to prove anything.”

“I do.” He countered, “Maybe to myself.”

You pushed back, pushed at his shoulders and rolled him onto his back. Johnny looked at you, straddling his lap and kissed by moonlight, starlight, streetlights all at once. Your hand came up to his cheek, “It’s already worth it. Any risk…it’s worth it, to me.”

Johnny believed you. He watched the words leave your lips and he held onto them, so fondly, so carefully. He repeated them in his mind like gospel, like his promise. He could’ve told you then, he thought to do as much. Other promises he made held his tongue; not until one of us - either one - knows. Maybe he knew. Maybe he thought he knew. The weight in his chest, the weight of your words and him being worth it made him believe he knew. But, Johnny didn’t say it.

He sat with the feeling, he sat with you and he settled on, “Thank you.”

📻

Jaehyun was covered in flour, fingertips stained with red, green, blue food coloring. The apron tied around his waist had hand painted reindeer on it, two candy canes and a gift; it was something he’d crafted for his mother in grade school, something he’d only ever let you see. His kitchen was a mess; seven bowls on the counter, scraps of cookie dough left behind in them. The clock on his oven blinked in a countdown, minutes left until your last batch was done - near midnight.

He found you in the loft when he’d come home, headphones whispering melodies into your ears. Jaehyun found his place next to you, secured in your bubble and tucked away. You greeted him with a gentle smile, “Welcome home.”

And, with his home sitting next to him, he smiled and said, “Thanks.”

You had asked him, “Did you pack, yet?”

It was the night before he was leaving, two days before Christmas and the answer was a simple, “Not yet. Come help?”

So you did, resting on his pillows and wrapped in his blankets, leaving traces of you to torture him on his sheets. You watched him folding his clothes neatly, stacking them into a duffel bag at the foot of his bed. Quietly, you confessed, “I got you something.”

He didn’t look up, “I thought we weren’t getting gifts.”

“It’s not. It’s…something else. You can’t open it until Christmas Eve, though.” You pulled it from your bag, dropped on the floor at the side of the bed. The paper crinkled in your hands, “Promise?”

“Of course.” He let you put it on top, then Jaehyun zipped his bag closed. There was a feeling settling inside him that he couldn’t place, a longing for a moment unfolding in front of him. You’d promised and he’d promised, but he knew that this would slip from his grasp, too. Jaehyun felt a finality in the way you sat on his bed, in the way he packed to spend a Christmas away. He blinked the feeling away, “Cookies?”

You nodded, “Yeah.”

Now you were across from him, licking clean a dough-covered spatula and watching It's a Wonderful Life - the music you had been playing drowned out the film you knew by heart, creating a new story. A new perspective. You looked back at Jaehyun, the way he moved around his kitchen, stacking bowls and dropping them in the sink. You thought of him asking you to secure his tie, passing you breakfast in the form of peeled oranges, kissing the corner of your lips as you did his.

It was hard to think of much else, “Let me help.”

The two of you fell into a quiet rhythm, synchronized together at the sink. Your arms were close enough to touch, close enough to brush against one another and close enough to be enough. It was all you could ask for, all you could expect. Jaehyun would brush against you and you’d lean into it, longing for your perspective to shift back, only for a moment. Your mind was in shambles, tangled in knots from looped thoughts when you were near him. You wanted to push down the thought, the blaring difference, between these moments of quiet confusion with Jaehyun and the clarity of confession with Johnny.

Your fingers touched Jaehyun’s as he passed you a spoon, “You’re really going?”

His dimples caved, “You’re still asking?”

“Don’t be mean.” The small window over his sink wasn’t broad enough to let the moon filter in, less full that it had been a week or so ago, “I’m going to miss you.”

“Yeah.” Jaehyun barely got the word out, “Yeah, me too.”

His house had become littered with your shared traditions, things the two of you had done in a time before Johnny and before Mark, before the four of you, before you and Johnny. Your cookies tucked away in tins, the movie your parents put on to lull you to sleep, last year's matching pajamas and his hand-painted apron. You’d piled blankets and pillows on the mattress in the loft, Jaehyun had set up his projector, and everything was lit only by his kitchen light, the television and his Christmas tree.

Eventually, you’d go back to the loft, and play the same film; watch the same story and whisper your wishes to just him, to just you. You’d scoot closer and closer and closer together still, like the world would hear your secrets if they weren’t uttered inches apart. And, finally, you’d fall asleep - usually, wrapped up in Jaehyun.

Tonight, perspective had shifted. Tonight, a brush of his arm was almost too much. You looked at him, turning off the sink, hoping something to say would come to you just by looking at him. He looked at you, hoping you could see something he couldn’t say written on his face, hiding behind his eyes. Across the room, your phone rang. Jaehyun looked after you did, eyes lingering on you when you said, “Hold on.”

Hold on to the moment, onto something that had passed.

He stood still, he held on.

“What if I changed the ending?”

Jaehyun had never heard that voice. You held your phone up to show your face twisting, “Haechan, it’s almost one o’clock in the morning.”

Oh.

“You’re still up, aren’t you?”

You looked up at Jaehyun, “Yes, but I’m busy.”

“Doing what?”

An explanation was lost on you. Indulging, holding onto something, tripping yourself and confusing yourself and losing yourself where you’d always been. The movie played to fill the silence, the music did, too. Jaehyun watched as you chose not to answer, chose to preserve your bubble, “What if you changed the ending, how?”

Haechan, faceless Haechan, hummed in thought, “It’s basically the same, but Sanghoon doesn’t crash.”

Jaehyun thought about leaving the room, you said, “Okay, so what happens?”

“I leave it up to her.” Haechan seemed pleased with himself, his voice tired but pitched high. Jaehyun had no way of detecting the smugness pulling at Haechan’s lips when he explained, “She gets to choose.”

“Who does she pick?”

The question was hefty, heavy on your tongue. Haechan tsked, “You have to read it. That’s your job. Then crush my dreams and tell me that it’s shit, again.”

“I didn’t do that, the first time.”

“Where are you?” Haechan leaned closer to the screen, “That’s not Johnny’s.”

The sound of his name in your bubble made Jaehyun feel uneasy, uncomfortable, tense.

“I’m not at Johnny’s.” The sound of his name in your bubble from your lips broke him, “I’m with Jaehyun.”

Haechan seemed to perk up, “Editor number two is there?”

“An unpaid intern.”

“I want to see him.”

“I don’t think you should.”

“Of course I should.”

Jaehyun cleared his throat, “I don’t mind.”

You hesitated, standing feet away from him and looking from your phone screen to Jaehyun and back again before you relented, “Come here.”

He took seven long strides to stand next to you, hover over you, smush himself into frame next to you. Jaehyun brushed against you, again, fingers needing to reach yours, to wrap around them. He held still, only breaking to wave, “Nice to meet you. I liked your book.”

“Yeah, I bet. I liked your notes. They were much more forgiving.” Haechan leaned back, arms holding up his head, “But, you get it, right?”

Jaehyun nodded. He didn’t know if he meant to, but his head bobbed up and down. You saw it, mirrored on your screen, causing your hand to shake, to fumble the grasp you had on your phone. Haechan was still smug, entertained in his apartment miles away.

He watched the two of you before he added on, “I get it, too, Editor.”

“Goodnight, Haechan.”

“Seriously, I do.”

Your head was pounding, “Write your new ending. I’ll read it after the holidays.”

Needing the last word, Haechan smiled a cheshire grin and reminded, “Whatever you say, Editor.”

Jaehyun watched you crumble for a minute, silencing your author by hanging up your phone. He held on like you asked and put his own weight on Haechan’s words, she gets to choose. Jaehyun tapped your fingers with his, caught your attention and reminded you to breathe, “Do you want a drink?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

You were in the loft an hour later, the movie was on, just barely audible. It was the only thing lighting up the loft; the dull light from Jaehyun’s old projector and a black and white movie. You settled into your spot, he adjusted and settled into a verizon of his further away from you than he’d ever been. Neither of you spoke, neither of you moved.

Outside the wind picked up, blowing snowflakes around the ground, the air, against the windows of the loft. Pulling the blankets closer, wanting to be closer, you called out, “Jae?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s cold.”

“Yeah.” He made a choice, she gets to choose at the back of his mind. Jaehyun made a move and opened his arms, “Come here.”

There was space between you, space between what he’d said and where you were on the mattress. It took a second, it took a minute, it took an eternity for you to choose and Jaehyun waited, he held on and held his breath until you came closer, filling what had been empty and lingering between you.

You weren’t touching still, you hadn’t settled, when you asked him, “Is this okay?”

Jaehyun tried to sound sure of himself when he said, “It’s what we’ve always done.”

You reminded him, “We’re changing.”

And Jaehyun whispered, begged and pleaded, “Not everything.”

He was warm, his hold was familiar. You hadn’t been in this spot for months and sinking into him felt like a memory and reality all at once. Jaehyun could smell your shampoo, your perfume, his senses overwhelmed by it, “I missed you.”

“I’ve been right here, Jae.”

“I know.” He took in a breath, he pressed his lips to the top of your head, your forehead, your temple - just like he’d always done, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Jae.”

His name was hanging in the air like the answer, like a question, like something unknown. Jaehyun was wavering, on the edge of another move he knew he shouldn’t make. It was dangerous having you so close, it was comfortable, too. He couldn’t straighten his mind, “Tell me. You always do.”

He could remember most of them, he could hear you whispering them to him over time. In the fourth grade when you wanted, more than anything, to go to Disney World. In the sixth grade when you wished for a phone, tired of running notes down the street and taping them to Jaehyun’s front door. He could hear you wishing and hoping and praying for Sicheng to ask you out, the winter after he’d arrived. And, Jaehyun could recall how the only thing you’d wished for during college was to pass your classes, for him to pass as well.

You could close your eyes and see the way Jaehyun described his wishes in the third grade; a rocket, one built for a kid to fly straight to the moon and back. In the sixth grade, he’d gained a bit more sense, wishing for a perfect smile in defiance of his braces. Jaehyun had wished for a car before his birthday, for the opportunity to drive you around and see the world - or as much of it as you could before curfew. It was harder when you both became adults, when most of your most sensible wishes had come true. But, Jaehyun would only ever wish for one thing, “I want you to be happy.”

“Me too.” And you’d correct him, “For all of us.”

“All of us.”

When he asked you, now, you sat too long with the question. You aired it out too long.

If you told him you’d already gotten it - if you told Jaehyun that there was a star in the sky with your name on it, a telescope pointed towards it and Johnny Suh waiting for you - too much would shift at once. If you told Jaehyun that being here, with him, was enough - that it was all you ever wanted or thought to want - time would stop. There was no way to say what you needed, what you wanted.

“I don’t know.” It was the truth, “Snow.”

His heart stopped, “Snow?”

For the seasons to change, for the stars to shift, for everything to settle into a new and comfortable place. You wanted and wanted and needed just what Johnny said, safety. And you felt it, in the loft with Jaehyun - in your bubble, in your world, wrapped up in each other. You’d felt it in Johnny’s apartment, when he kissed you, when he saw you bare in front of him and the breath rushed from his lungs. You felt safe when it was you and Mark, working together in silence, laughing and singing and existing as you were. And the four of you together… you’d do anything to keep it.

So, you would wish for snow and you would wish for spring. You wished for summer and for the leaves to give into fall, so the world could keep spinning exactly as it was.

But for Jaehyun, you wished away his time with you. You wished away his season and the way you were, the way you’d always been. He told you, “I wish for spring.” The time before, the selfish time before when he didn’t know time was running out, “And time.”

“Time.”

Jaehyun pulled you closer and felt how you tensed, hesitated like you never had before. He wished that away, kept his wishes to himself and told you, “I just want this. I’ll always want this.”

“Me too.” You closed your eyes, head resting on his chest. Jaehyun’s heart beat once, twice and you waited for the third before you asked again, “You’re leaving for Christmas?”

He promised, “I’ll be back before New Years.”

📻

Johnny had his arms around you, standing in front of your tree and waiting for Mark to arrive, “I have one more present for you.”

“How is that even possible?” You looked back at him, shock knitting your eyebrows and curiosity lifting the corners of your lips, “That’s insane.”

“Come with me.” He pulled you from the tree, fingers playing with your own and stepping backwards until his heels hit the bottom step. Johnny led you up the stairs and into your bedroom, “Here.”

It was an emerald green box with a crimson red bow, “What is it?”

“Something small, but I want to explain it.” He watched you weigh the box in your hands, “If you don’t think it’s a good idea then you can use it however you like.”

“I’m getting nervous.”

“Don’t be, baby. It’s really nothing. Open it.”

You untied the bow, letting it slip down the sides of the box before you pulled off the top and tossed it onto your bed. Johnny was watching, you were holding your breath; a notebook, simple and small, with your name etched into it, “It’s nice.”

“Try not to sound so let down. It has a purpose.” Johnny took the box from you, putting it to the side and coming closer. He looked down at the leather bound book in your hands, ran his fingers over your name, “I don’t want to overstep, but I want to know what you’re thinking and sometimes…”

“What?”

“I think you’re right - people use written words when spoken words fail them. That’s what you said, right?”

“Right”

He shook his head, “I thought it might be nice to have somewhere to write all the things that go on in your head.”

“Like a journal?”

“Kind of. Specifically, I wanted you to write down the things you want to tell me. All those worries you say are nothing, you know, if they’re too hard or too complicated to say out loud, you can write them here. And then-” Johnny flipped the book in your hands, his name printed on the opposite side, “I can write back. Until it gets easier to say them, we can write them in here.”

“Oh. Johnny.”

“If you don’t want to, that’s okay, too.” He ducked down so he could see you, so you’d look at him and really hear what he was saying. He wanted to give you the space to do the same, “I know it’s not easy. We could just text each other, too. Or e-mail. I think my parents might have a fax and we could do that or morse code.”

“Johnny, stop.” Your cheeks were aching again, watching him spiral to coax out a grin, a laugh, a reaction. It worked, it always would, “I think…I think it’s a good idea.”

“It might not work.”

You balked, jaw dropping, “Well, don’t bail on me now.”

Johnny chuckled, “If it doesn’t work, use it as a journal. I won’t read it unless you tell me to.”

He said he’d find a way, he promised he’d keep trying to figure things out. Johnny had tapped at your forehead, knocking around tangled up thoughts and swore he’d use his hands as gently as possible to work out the knots. His confession of uncertainty had been a moment of clarity for you, a reminder; Johnny had things he couldn’t say, things he spent time working out. He had words that got stuck in his throat and moments where he was unsure.

J-o-h-n-n-y.

Pressed into the other side of your book, one cover for you and one for him with pages of both of you in between. He gave you another space, handed it to you and offered to help you fill it, when you needed him to. You whispered, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, babe.” The doorbell rang, “Mark is here.”

📻

“I’m really happy for you two.” Mark had worn the same pajama pants - ones with The Grinch, his dog Max and Cindy-Lou Who scattered on them - for as long as you could remember. They were torn at the knee, now, fraying at the bottom. Just below his right hip there was an unidentified stain from three years ago - food coloring, maybe, you’d never been able to tell, “Renjun kinda banned me from talking about it.”

“Oh yeah?” Johnny bit into a stocking-shaped cookie, leaning onto the counter and teasing Mark, “How much were you talking about it, Mark?”

Mark grumbled, “I didn’t think that much.” The tin in front of him popped open and Mark sifted through the gingerbread, “Are we gonna decorate these?”

You nodded, “We can, I have stuff to use.”

Johnny looked over his shoulder, “When did you make all of these?”

“Jaehyun and I did, before he left.”

“Did you give him his gift?” He stood upright when he asked, brushed the crumbs from his hands. Johnny came to you, you nodded, “Did he open it, yet?”

“I don’t know.” It was Christmas morning, almost midday. The three of you had torn open presents, passed them around, sat in a mess of paper and bows and boxes. His name had been on a few of them, three for Mark and two for Johnny, tucked under the Christmas tree the morning you’d left his house, “I’ll ask him later.”

Mark vocalized the thought that lingered, all this morning and all last night; in the moments he should’ve been with. the three of you, the ones captured in the flash of your polaroid. He bit into an undecorated cookie and said, “It’s weird without him here. These need icing.”

“Yeah.” Your agreement came out with a laugh, “Let’s decorate.”

Blue and green icing, red and yellow, mixed into orange. There were bowls of candies and sprinkles spread out between the three of you. You drew smiles, and stuck on chocolate eyes. Johnny drew a necktie and glasses, Mark made a beanie that matched his own. The three of you made a gingerbread family, a gingerbread world laughing over music, over each other.

Somewhere, buried under ingredients and wax paper, your phone buzzed. A message from Jaehyun lighting up your screen, 12:34pm Merry Christmas

He sent a picture; Jaehyun in a similar mess, holding his family dog and in a pair of jingle bell-patterned pajamas, identical to yours. You smiled, hearing Johnny and Mark laughing, hearing the same Christmas songs. You smiled and sent back, 12:36pm You opened your present.

Jaehyun replied, 12:37pm Let me see yours.

The same pair, a similar setting and a completely different place. You sent him a picture of you, Johnny, Mark and your gingerbread world in the background. Then, you told him, 12:38pm Merry Christmas, Jaehyun.

His heart ached, telling you, 12:39pm Your wish came true.

Another picture; outside a six-pane window, snow glistening in the daylight.

Then, he sent another, 12:40pm Is it snowing there?

Johnny came to stand next to you, a fresh cup of coffee in his hands in a Santa shaped mug. He put his chin on your shoulder, “Did he make it there alright?”

“Yeah.”

You showed him the picture of the weather; white snow covering the ground, capping the trees, contrasting a bright blue sky. It wasn’t too different from the streets outside your house; snow-covered roofs substituted the trees and the sky was a dull shade of grey. Johnny tapped the picture of Jaehyun, his dog, and he smiled, “He got his pajamas.”

Mark was over your shoulder, too, “Aw, you guys still match, huh?”

Johnny kissed your cheek, “Make you feel better, babe? It’s like he’s here. Look, Mark even made a gingerbread Jaehyun.”

It was resting in his hand; pronounced blue icing side burns, white piped on dimples. He had brown M&M’s for eyes, a squiggly red mouth and two orange gumdrops for buttons. You laughed, “Hold it up.”

Then, once you’d taken a picture of it - Mark’s hand in the middle, Johnny’s giving a thumbs up - you sent it to Jaehyun with another message, 12:44pm Yeah it snowed last night. Mark made you :) Miss you Jae

And he replied, 12:45pm I miss you too

📻

I always thought it would be you.

Highlighted in a soft blue, read over and read over and obsessed over for the last hour. The middle of Haechan’s new ending had been open on your lap, page unturned. I always thought it would be you in the silence of your living room made your skin crawl at first, your heart plumet second.

You put your marker between the pages, needing to stretch your legs, holding your place for when they circled you back. I always thought it would be you.

“I always thought it would be you.” Saying it out loud didn’t help; the words echoed off your walls, came back and weighed down your tongue. The second time you repeated it, out loud, your phone was in your hand and pressed against your ear, “I always thought it would be you.”

“It’s a good line, right?”

It was devastating, “What’s the motive?”

“Did you keep reading?” Haechan asked, “I think you need to keep reading.”

You groaned, “I might drop you as a client.”

He laughed, “No you won’t. Keep reading.”

The line went silent, your phone suddenly heavy in your hand. The weight followed you up your stairs, tethering you to the stack of paper left on your couch. The words echoed even louder in your bathroom, muffled briefly by the sound of water running. They settled on your chest when you sank into the water, slipped past your closed eyelids until it was like a marquee against the darkness.

You picked seven words apart until the water ran cold, until your fingers were wrinkled and your body was shivering. It wasn’t enough.

You picked up your phone again, “Hey.”

“Are you busy?”

Jaehyun shuffled on the other end, you could hear a door open and shut before he responded, “No. Are you okay?”

You nodded, leaning forward and pulling at the plug, watching as the chilled water drained, “Haechan sent the edited ending.”

“Ah. How was it?”

“I can’t get through it.” You wanted him here, needed another ear. It felt selfish to say, selfish to want, selfish to even think of it. Jaehyun hummed on the other end, “I need your opinion.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“You sure you’re not busy?”

“I’m not.” He encouraged, “Tell me.”

“I always thought it would be you.” You paused, letting the words hang in the air again, pulling each letter into position to give Jaehyun time to understand them, “She says that to Sanghoon.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun’s world went on, time moved forward. He hoped you didn’t notice how his breathing slowed, stopped all together. Momentarily lost in the words before you’d gave them an explanation, “It seems honest. They’d talked about that kind of thing before.”

“Doesn’t it take away her choice, though? It’s still predictable.” You sighed, pulling yourself from the tub and wrapping a towel around you, “If she always thought it would be Sanghoon, there was never any real room for someone else.”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean?”

“It wasn’t final.” Jaehyun sought out the right words in the ground beneath his feet; melting snow just barely covering pavement, “With either of them. So, maybe she was holding out for Sanghoon because she always thought it would be him.”

You walked across the hallway and into your bedroom, sitting at the foot of your bed and wishing for him to go on, giving Jaehyun the opportunity to continue, “Or?”

“Or maybe she was waiting to tell him so she could let him go.”

“Like a goodbye?”

“Maybe like a goodbye.”

You blinked, you let it settle and you blinked. Across from you there was a perfectly crafted timeline of pictures and it felt too on the nose. You’d placed the feeling, you’d known the feeling. Jaehyun cleared his throat and you whispered, “That’s heartbreaking.”

“A little, yeah.”

A thought as a promise, a thought as a means of goodbye, “I always thought it would be you.”

Jaehyun had to ask, needing you to stop repeating it, “Does it help to say it?”

“I don’t know yet.” You asked him, “Have you ever felt that?”

It had helped when Sanghoon compared her to the sun, to have Jaehyun relate to that feeling. It had helped tie it to reality, to something that felt real and alive. It hurt more to know, “Yeah, I have.”

You dared to ask, “Like a promise or a goodbye.”

Jaehyun, through the phone and miles away, was brave enough to admit, “I don’t know, yet.”

“Yet?”

He could feel his boldness leaving, could feel it slipping away with every second he hesitated. Jaehyun tried to gather himself, trying not to give himself away. He reminded himself of your bubble, of the time he promised and he settled with, “Sure. Not yet. Hey, look, I have to go.”

“Sure.”

“But keep reading. If you need me again, let me know.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll talk to you later, Jae.” It had been a week, so you told him, “I miss you.”

He was quiet when he said, “I miss you, too.”

📻

Jungwoo had planned a party - one with a more concrete purpose. The end of the year was something worth celebrating, maybe more so than his own unemployment. He crafted a theme, made Ten design a graphic to send in the group chat and has half of you digging through storage bins to accommodate it; school uniforms.

When you saw Johnny, your heart stopped; his nametag was worn, his green tie was still askew and his old brown sweater strained at his shoulders, pulled tight on his biceps. He looked all the same and completely different from the day you’d first met him.

He was waiting outside your house, at the bottom of the steps, everything felt familiar; a new and old familiar coming together. Johnny in his old school uniform, Johnny calling you baby. Johnny with a certain grin on his face, Johnny hesitating to lean in for a kiss - only to check with you, only to let you choose.

“You think I’ll get in trouble?”

You stopped at your door, leaning your back against it, “Why do you ask that?”

“My sleeves are too short.” Then, Johnny tapped at his necktie, “I think they gave me a faulty tie.”

You grinned, hair blowing in a chilling breeze., “Too late to take it back now.”

“You’re probably right.” He took a step up, “Look at you.”

Johnny couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you like this; in your winter blazer, the sweater and tie that matched his. You’d shined your loafers, or maybe you’d always kept them that way. He couldn’t remember. Your skirt was maybe an inch shorter, higher on your thighs than it had been and hugging your hips, but you looked mostly the same.

Mostly.

Johnny’s heart was beating in a way it hadn’t, the last time you’d both been in your uniforms. Then it was adrenaline from skipping class, it was unbridled mischief; the way his heart raced at seventeen and eighteen and nineteen was excitement settling in his chest. Johnny knew his heart skipped beats when he was late for his exams, when he was reprimanded, when he missed the bus. He knew it got caught in his throat when he got lost in a daydream and he heard his name called.

Now, all those feelings had changed, they repurposed and reserved themselves for you. His heart beat so particularly for you. His heart raced when you looked at him, when you’d catch him staring and you’d pretend to be annoyed. Delirious and lost in your touch, Johnny’s heart skipped beats when his name slipped from your lips; a sigh, a whisper, a moan. Johnny’s heart got caught in his throat when he wanted to make a promise, when he wanted to tell you and promise you everything he felt.

You looked at him, at his tie, and while Johnny was frozen in time, in thought, in his place, you came to him and fixed it - just like you always did, “You wanna get going?”

“Yeah.” He pulled your hands from where they rested on his shoulders, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Jungwoo’s apartment was full; of life, of people, of songs you hadn’t heard in years and an energy you couldn’t quite place. It was a strange way to end the year, confined and crowded in a cluster of multicolored uniforms.

Jaehyun saw you as soon as you walked in; how Johnny kept you close to him, anchored you at his side while he navigated the crowd. He saw you and couldn’t see much of anything else. The last time he’d seen you in your uniform you were on the hood of Jaehyun’s first car; a hand-me-down from his parents, an older model that had seen better days. The last time Jaehyun had seen you in your uniform was the first time he considered telling you, confessing; terrified that the next chapter in your life would pull you apart.

It was always the loss of time that pushed him and Jaehyun didn’t want to admit that it always made him a moment too late.

The last time he looked at you - your chocolate brown sweater tied around your waist and your pale blue blouse unregulated, unbuttoned, unburdened by rules after graduation - Jaehyun almost convinced himself to be bold.

It would’ve been easier at nineteen, most things were. The way he looked at you, the way you smiled at him. How he could reach over and hold your hand and never think twice about it. Youth or yearning, a mixture of both, could’ve been enough, it should’ve been enough.

He’d worked himself up that night, years ago. Jaehyun had waited, white knuckled in his car, parked outside your house until you climbed in. You were parked on a hilltop, looking over your house and his and the parts of the city you could see when he asked, “How much do you think college will change us?”

“You and me?” Your nose scrunched, fueled by the belief that you and Jaehyun were indestructible, “It won’t. Right?”

“Right.” Jaehyun believed it, you did, too. When you shivered, he pulled you closer, scooted closer and put his arm around you, “Maybe nothing will.”

The memory made him feel sick, it made the room spin. Jungwoo’s apartment had been ripped from the building and thrust into a whirlwind - maybe nothing will. The tie around his neck felt tighter, halting his conversation with Taeyong and Ten, “Hey, I’ll be right back.”

You weren’t that girl anymore, the thought made him stumble. You weren’t seventeen or eighteen, not nineteen or twenty. You weren’t eleven in the loft, thirteen counting stars or fifteen wishing for Sicheng. Jaehyun was processing too many versions of you at once; desperately seeking out one that felt rooted, grounded, real. He couldn’t catch up to you, he didn’t know what he’d say. Jaehyun stopped himself halfway through the crowd and stood still in time, yet again.

Johnny walked you into the kitchen, holding you flush against him where you’d stood that night. He was intentional about where and when he stopped you, “This is the place.”

“What?”

You turned around, watching him disappear into a memory and come back to you in a matter of seconds. In a blink. Johnny smiled down at you, past you and present you and any future you he’d be able to have. Then, he leaned in and clarified, “This is where I fell for you.”

In Jungwoo’s kitchen, in a moment between you two. You looked around, hoping to find traces of Johnny’s cherished memory, hoping to see you and him in some definitive moment where everything fell into place. When you came up short, you turned back, “Tell me about it.”

Johnny nodded, “Okay.” He put his hands on your waist and instructed, “Up.”

So, you jumped - not asking how high, knowing if you fell short that Johnny would be there to catch you. He helped you up onto the counter and rested his hands on your thighs, “You were so drunk.”

“Not narrowing it down. I’ve been drunk here, a lot.”

“And we were dancing…” Johnny turned and pointed to the floor across the room, “There.”

“Ah.”

“I thought I drank too much, at first. I was so confused, I think? Because you were almost falling and your singing was really bad.” With every word, Johnny’s grin grew wider and the picture he painted became clearer, “But you were so beautiful.”

“You’re weird.”

“I’m serious. I had never seen you like that. It felt like a hallucination, sometimes it still does. But, something clicked and I went home that night thinking I’d sleep it off and go back to normal.”

“Back to normal?”

“Close enough. Every night I convinced myself I’d feel different the next day and it never happened. It got worse.”

“Oh no.” Your laugh leaned you back, had you resting your head on the cupboard behind you, “Not worse.”

“All I could think about was kissing you. For weeks.” He explained, “Every time I saw you.”

You nodded, “Keep going.”

He pulled back, “Do you want a drink?”

“Please.”

Johnny moved around the kitchen, he poured and mixed and told you, “That feeling never went away. I still always want to kiss you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Johnny caged you in, found a way to make space for the two of you in Jungwoo’s kitchen, again. Where it all started, where he fell. You held onto him, slipping enough you might call it falling, too. He leaned in, closer and closer until his nose brushed against yours and he reminded you, reminded himself, “I’m so lucky, now.”

You echoed, agreeing again, swept up in him, “Yeah. Me too.”

“There you guys are!” Mark was in the same chocolate brown and powder blue uniform as you and Johnny, flanked by Jaemin and Jeno in yellow and black. He was unstable on his own feet, a goofy smile on his face you’d seen before. You laughed, maybe Jungwoo’s kitchen was the place to be drunk - the place to stumble and maybe let yourself fall. Mark made space for himself without issue, putting his head on your shoulder, “When did you get here?”

You countered, sipping on your own drink, “When did you get here?”

“Hour ago?” Jaemin answered, voice easy but slurred, “Jungwoo wanted us to do shots.”

“Jeno, can you hand me some chips?” Mark’s hand reached pathetically across the kitchen, willing the snacks to find him in case Jeno couldn’t, “I’m so drunk, dude.”

Johnny smoothed down his hair, “We can tell.”

“I didn’t know Jungwoo knew so many people.” He giggled, he tucked his head in closer to you and giggled to himself, “That’s so crazy. Jaemin knows a lot of people too.”

“Yeah?”

“He fucked his professor.” It was meant to be a whisper, Mark’s best drunken attempt at one. He leaned closer to emphasize that, “I think he did it.”

Johnny howled, “Did you?”

Jeno answered for him, “Mark, I said he got fucked by his professor. She requested he switch classes.”

“Oh shit.” Your eyes went wide, then suddenly sympathetic. Jaemin chugged what was in his cup, “That’s rough.”

The three of them tag-teamed the story, Mark would slur out an accusation and Jaemin would downplay it, Jeno stood by to clarify anything lost in drunken translation. They filled the room with their laughter and yours and Johnny’s, added electricity to the quietest room in Jungwoo’s apartment. In the room to fall, you fell into conversation and fits of laughter, into each other. Johnny’s eyes never left you. In the room to fall, he fell deeper and deeper into you, into words he’d thought to write down, words he wanted to say out loud.

He watched you light up and light up the room. Johnny laced his fingers with yours and laced together your memories. This night, a night in April, the night you found yourself in the stars, the night you became his Juliet; it all melted together.

He didn’t notice you looking at him until you kissed his lips, “Hey you.”

“Hi baby.”

“You wanna go dance?”

“Of course.”

He pulled you off of the countertop, then, holding you steady and making sure you landed on solid ground.

📻

You’d lost layers of your uniform, as the night went on. The perfect bow you’d tied hung lazily around your neck and your knee socks had slipped down your legs. The clock on Jungwoo’s stove blinked 11:36 PM as you picked through snacks, caught your breath, sought out refuge. Johnny was lost in the crowd, somewhere dancing with Ten, somewhere singing with Yuta. Mark was on the couch, arms wrapped around Renjun and laughing with Yangyang, blinking when his head felt too light.

Jungwoo was over your shoulder, “What’s left?”

“Mm. Depends on what you want.” You pointed to an empty bowl, “Mark cleared that.”

He nodded, coming around your other side, “Are you having fun? It’s kind of crazy in there.”

“Yeah, it’s great.” You waited for a moment before you asked, “Have you seen Jaehyun?”

“He’s around somewhere.” Jungwoo hesitated, nodding as he settled on grapes next. He pulled some from their stem and craned his neck around the corner, pointing into the crowd, “There. He’s with Taeyong.”

It was the first time you’d seen him since before Christmas and he was a blur in the crowd, “Ah.”

“He missed you, you know?” He offered a smile; nodding towards the living room, “It’s all he talked about, over Christmas. His mom, too. She kept asking when you were coming.”

The room halted, the music fell silent in the other room and your head was filled with static, “What do you mean?”

“She said she missed you.” Jungwoo picked another grape from its stem, rolling it between his fingers. When he chomped down on it, when the grape gave a satisfying crunch between his teeth, he continued, “She was sad you couldn’t come.”

It was impossible to focus your eyes on any one thing; the nametag on Jungwoo’s uniform, the bowls and plates and platters of food, and Jaehyun. Jaehyun tucked away in a crowd, Jaehyun engulfed in a conversation, Jaehyun unaware. Jungwoo popped a fourth grape into his mouth, halfway through the third. His cheeks were full, puffed out when you told him, “I wasn’t invited.”

He straightened, “Ah.”

It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t Jungwoo’s problem. But, your tone was sharp and confused, unstable when you asked, “You went?”

“Maybe you should go find him.”

“What did Jaehyun tell her?”

Jungwoo glanced behind him, “You had plans. He said you’d already made plans.” There was an unfortunate sympathy in his eyes, reasonable but pitiful, “I didn’t know.”

“No, I know. Neither did I.” You stepped back. In the room meant for falling, your heart was plunging - dropping down eight stories from Jungwoo’s kitchen to splat on the concrete, “Excuse me.”

Stepping around him, you heard Jungwoo curse under his breath; the quietest, “Shit.”

Jaehyun was with Taeyong, his head leaned in close to hear him. Jungwoo’s speakers looped through the same playlist, the same nostalgic mix, overpowering every conversation. But, when you stood in front of Jaehyun, when you’d made space for yourself in their conversation, he heard you perfectly, “You lied to me.”

Jaehyun blinked, eyes shifting to Taeyong, “What?”

Your jaw ached from how it was clenched. You could feel your teeth grinding, a firm barrier between the words forming on your tongue and your lips, “Come on.”

He followed. You didn’t give him a choice, you got to choose. Jaehyun only glanced around the room, the crowd, the bodies as he walked behind you, down Jungwoo’s hallway and into his bedroom. You didn’t speak for a minute, Jaehyun counted the seconds as they passed, and you didn’t think to look at him - not until your mind had cleared.

“You lied.” You tried to keep your voice from breaking, the alcohol did little to keep you stable, “About Christmas.”

Jaehyun swallowed. He let the music, muffled on the other side of the door, swallow him up and then, he tried to find a reason, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Why do you keep lying?” You were breaking, crumbling in front of him. Maybe nothing will was a lifetime away, another year ending and pushing it further and further away, “What is happening?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to say anything.” You looked at him, eyes watering. You tried not to tremble when you saw him, tried not to let the rush of memories pull you out of this moment, “I’m so…”

Your vision blinked, flashed between where you stood and every place you’d been when Jaehyun looked like that; his ironed shirt tucked under his sweater, his tie done perfectly around his neck. He looked the same, he looked like your Jaehyun. Your heart was pounding in your chest trying to remind yourself of that; running down your street together, whispering secrets when you were meant to be asleep, silent conversations when it was too dangerous to even speak. He was there, somewhere, buried in whatever version of him you had now; the one that lied to you.

Jaehyun’s name tag was perfectly centered on his chest, just over his heart. Your breath caught, a sob kept at bay by a hiccup. You came closer to him, hands shaking when you reached up and flipped it upside down. Your initials looked back at you - yours and his, where you’d carved them before you graduated. Just over his heart.

“I can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. I can’t, Jaehyun. I can’t…we can’t keep doing this.” You stepped back, “I don’t want to be sorry, anymore and I don’t want to hear you say it. I don’t want you to lie to me and…”

“This isn’t about Christmas.”

“It is.” There wasn’t a point in keeping your tears from falling, not when you were caught in a hurricane, “You couldn’t do it so you lied and, and you…”

“Look at me.”

“Did your mom really want you to go there?”

Jaehyun shook his head, “No. I asked.”

Your voice broke, “Why?”

“I…” The only reason he had, the only thing Jaehyun could say and repeat and hope you understood, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Johnny and I are the problem.”

“No.”

Your jaw was clenched again, seething and shaking when you told him, “I don’t believe you.”

“Then what happens now.”

The room was quiet. She gets to choose. You could hear Haechan. I always thought it would be you. You could see the words written. Jaehyun waited, all he did was wait, losing more and more time and waiting.

“You don’t want to lose another friend.” The words he said sounded more bitter, somehow, when you repeated them, “Isn’t that what you said?”

He looked at the floor, shame filling his veins, his lungs, “You know I didn’t mean that.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I think…I think you might have to, for a while.”

Jaehyun took a step towards you, “I might have to what?”

“You know what.”

“Please.” The year was ending, his world was ending. Jaehyun watched time slip from him and you, in real time, watching the minutes tick closer and closer to midnight, “Please.”

“I think we have to stop being friends, Jae. I can’t be…I don’t think I can be your friend, right now.” You sat down on Jungwoo’s bed, slumped at the shoulders and shaking, “For a while.”

“I don’t get a say in that?”

“No.”

He covered his face with his hands, limiting the air he was breathing, feeling light headed, “You promised.”

It was cruel of him, bringing promises into it, “So did you. You lied to me.”

“I fucked up.”

“This isn’t just a fuck up, Jaehyun Something else is happening.” Your breathing was ragged, strained in your chest. It took hold of every word and squeezed the life out of it, “This whole thing is too much. I know you agree.”

“Not enough to give up.”

You stood up, “I have to go find Johnny.”

“I’m not giving up.” When you tried to step around him, Jaehyun held onto your arm. He stopped you and tried to stop time, “Please.”

Your heart shattered and the shards scraped at your chest, carved a bigger hole until it hollowed out. You looked at him, you tried to look at him, “It’s almost midnight, Jae. I have to go.”

He told you, like a promise, “You’re my best friend.”

And, like a goodbye, you said it back, “You’re my best friend.”

Then you left. Wiping tears from your chin, pulling the strands of hair that stuck to your cheeks, willing away the redness in your eyes, you left. Johnny was in the crowd, close enough to where you left him and seeking you out. He smiled when he saw you, he stopped in his tracks when he saw you. Johnny made his way through the small crowd and held your face when he saw you, “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You brushed it off, “I’m drunk.”

“Yeah? That’s okay, baby.” Johnny saw Jaehyun then, looking just as you did; same uniform, same expression, tear stained cheeks and bright red eyes. He looked between the two of you, “Tell me the truth later, when you’re ready.”

Johnny didn’t push any further.

It was almost midnight.

“Ten!”

Mark was hanging onto Yuta and Jaemin, the loudest three voices in the room. Johnny cradled your face and kept your eyes on him. And Jaehyun stood in the threshold of Jungwoo’s living room, head pounding. He couldn’t do it.

“Nine!”

Johnny’s thumbs wiped away tears still lingering, kissed your cheeks where the trails cut off. Jaehyun closed his eyes.

“Eight!”

You laughed at something Johnny said, willing the sinking feeling away. Mark put too much of himself into the next number, drink sloshing in his cup and threatening to spill over.

“Seven!”

Jaehyun’s feet moved towards the door, towards his coat on the rack. Jungwoo stopped him by the kitchen, eyes apologetic and curious all at once.

“Six!”

The cheering was booming, excited, growing louder and louder the closer it got to midnight.

“Five! Four! Three!”

Jaehyun looked back to find you, to see you buried in the crowd and lost in Johnny. He watched as you leaned in, Johnny followed your lead. You got to choose.

“Two!”

He watched like he couldn’t look away. Jaehyun pulled his coat on and let his vision blur until he only saw you, the only thing that had ever been clear to him. Johnny smiled before he kissed you, he held your face and your attention and your heart and Jaehyun held the door. He turned before he could see it, before he could break his heart more, before time ran out and everyone cheered.

“One! Happy New Year!”

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