#autism brain reading it and being like wait a minute

[spoopy-moose]

reading scholarly articles about pathologic when its so obvious that the writer didn't even properly play the game and actually only played like the first half of 2 and then confidently putting their opinions out there like SHUT UP

[rubyroboticalt]

Minecrafters grab your pickaxes, and catch up on the QBLR QUATERLY!

What's up guys, update just dropped! It sure is something to try and decipher, huh. We've got pages of new stuff to go over, so let me learn you a thing about all the events and mishaps that happened on the server this week!

Efforts are made to develop the nether, and increasing its safety. It doesn't hurt that it's pretty, too. It seems Splat has built a temple! It has beautiful greco-roman pillars with lovely blue accents, lit by lanterns with snowblossom and magic trees growing in the center. I sure hope nothing ominous happened there.

Grif and Simmons from Red vs Blue visit! Looks like they're still very good friends. Unless… dear g-d… these soldiers gay! They've gotten gay married! Pride wins! So do Naturalist collectors, who have gotten so many butterflies! And a brown panda. Autism wins!

More Nether expeditions come, with residents exploring significant chunks of the nether very quickly. The thang in the nether, currently named the angel or the bird by residents, seems curious about these expeditions.

And now, the Gubby.

A stick fighting ring pops up, where folks can PVP with sticks as the only weapon. This fight, between Neon and Qrth, occurs in the middle of the path. This isn't the only fight that happens, does anyone else smell something burning? We may be fighting the server itself very soon.

What's that? A new egg? It's Saoirse! And Splat's temple receiving some koi ponds.

And now, a reading from r/MaleLivingSpaces. Purple peeling wallpaper. Wooden tile floors. Matching wooden tile ceiling. Five windows on the rounded back wall of the room. Double bed placed directly under the center double window, with foot facing the door, going against two feng shui rules: do not put the foot end of the bed facing the door, and do not put the bed under a window. Cobwebs in the upper right corner. Massive stack of boxes on the left side of the room, taking up most of the space. Papers strewn about the floor. Lamp placed on the floor next to the bed. Papers surrounding the bed. Two mugs on the floor. Pile of ash next to the bed. Red lamp placed on cardboard box next to the door. Single torch on the floor providing the only light in the room. This has been a reading from r/MaleLivingSpaces.

The food diversity mod has been replaced with one that doesn't bug out and duplicate hearts every login, and of course residents are totally normal about it and have not invented Foodmaxxing, where they try to eat as diverse a diet as possible. If only this was possible in real life, as well.

Inc builds a mushroom room at CEL labs, a location that has not yet appeared in the news for NDA and classification reasons.

And, of course, find a new egg while having a creature party. Hi, grunk! And hi, Berry's storage room! And hi, angel's garden! Hey, the egg doesn't belong in the frying pan! Not while it's a sentient being! C'mon.

Ghostly comes back from the dead, it seems. "And in the death of her reputation did she feel truly alive" -Why She Disappeared, Taylor Swift.

I know alcoholism is fairly common due to liver disease being disabled on the server, but the alcowallism might be taking it a little too far. Please set a good example for the creatures. Wait a minute. Is that a brain baby?

Good thing an orphanage is opening! Parentless creatures and creatureless parents can now apply to be assigned family members by the Dark Magician's lackeys. I mean, the admins, who we all love and cherish. Of course. And Mae is living up to Mae's name by building a Maez. Peace.

And with that, this week of the server closes with -- Good gravy what has happened to Levlies?

[pjoxreader]

Leo/Frank/Reyna with an autistic reader?

Autistic Reader 

((I unfortunately don't know much about Autism but I did my best! I did do some research so I hope it's alright!))

Leo Valdez

-Leo does his best to be supportive but he has a million things going through his brain. Unfortunately you like things to be done at their exact time and get anxious when they aren’t. 

-”Leo, we’re already five minutes late!” you stress out pacing outside his room. Leo does make his way out, getting his jacket on. But when he goes out and sees you so stressed out he honestly feels bad. He just gets so absorbed in his own work that he forgets about time.

-However Leo decides right there and then that he never wanted to be the cause of your stress ever again. He makes multiple alarms for himself to block out his time. Just as you were about to go complain to Leo about being late, again, you hear him talk by the front door. 

-“Come on love we don’t want to be late do we?” he gives that dorky grin that makes your heart flutter. He really was a dork but you do go over giving him a light kiss that makes him go bright red.

-He isn’t perfect though, he often messes up with realizing you take things very literally. Which he works his best on, but he was known for making jokes and such! He’d never mean it maliciously though! 

-The worst scenario with that was when you were getting ready to join the ares cabin in sword training and Leo called “break a leg!” The stare you gave him really made him realize just how bad he messed up. He quickly starts to explain what the phrase means as he feels guilty right away.

Frank Zhang

-Frank knew anxiety could get bad, he had to deal with it a lot himself. You two had bonded over that when you were younger after all. And now Frank was trying to help you meet his new friends.

-Of course he knew it’d be a lot to meet six other people who all had their own unique personality… So he had warned the group ahead of time that you two might sneak off for a bit to help you relax, promising it wasn’t because of the group.

-Everyone was very understanding. Frank could see you were getting a bit overwhelmed and went to your side smiling softly “Did you want to take a break?” he asks, keeping his voice calm and you nod, taking a shaky breath as you look at the railing of the boat.

-Frank knew you were never one to make eye contact so he never bothered you about it. “Here, there’s a good spot over here.” He leads you over where the chatter dies out and you get to enjoy seeing the ocean.

-You take a few breaths helping yourself calm down as Frank waits, standing at the railing while he waits. He knows when to give you space and you couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend than him. After calming down a bit you feel guilty about running off from a party that was supposed to be about you making friends…

-”Hey, don’t feel guilty. They all understand.” he promises lightly sitting down beside you as if he read your mind. “Can I hold your hand?” he asks gently. You can’t help the soft smile forming on your face as you nod, holding your hand out for Frank to hold which he gladly takes. You can’t help but think how lucky you are.

Reyna Ramírez-Arellano

-Reyna is very observant, maybe it’s her combat skills but she just knows when something is wrong. She could tell the moment you don’t like something, the moment you’re stressed, or when you’re upset. She could really read you like a book.

-But what she did have problems with is telling your other emotions, which was unfortunate since you had a hard time explaining how you were feeling too. You were also very blunt and honest but she loved that.

-It was annoying having to deal with the other roman soldiers who would go around subjects to spare her or others feelings. She just wanted the truth and you would deliver. She was working on some paperwork and looked over to you. 

-“What do you think of Octavian?” she asks curiously looking at you with a raised brow. You huff at that “I think he’s a jerk and I hate him for sacrificing my stuffed animal.” you say as if talking about the weather, making Reyna grin a bit at that she really did love how honest you were.

- She had to work out something to help you with your emotions, something that would help the both of you. She wanted to be a good girlfriend and be there to support you. But she knew that she couldn’t do it alone so she asked the other seven to help her come up with ideas. 

-She should have just gone to Annabeth first as she printed out something called the emotion wheel. It was a wheel with different emotions on it that would then branch out to more detailed explanations like going from sad, to discourage. Something you could take one step at a time. It’d be perfect.

~Masterlist & Rules~

Like my writing? Please consider sending me a Ko-fi! ☕

[riseleon]

Tw: suicide, self-harm talk, ranting, talk about depression, mental illness

Keeping this up until I feel better

I just realized I'm fucking like 2 months away from being an adult in my countries eyes.. I'm not fucking ready I'm terrified, I'm scared, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I thought I wanted to be an artists, a voice actor but it seems like those jobs are impossible for me to do, I'm scared I'm going to be one wrong move away from spiraling out of control, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, I have some nights I don't want to wake up and I get actively upset when I wake up and then I have some days I'm perfectly fine and happy, I have already been to a mental hospital twice, it won't work they are shit, I feel worse when I come back from them.. the only reason why I think I'm still here is that I'm waiting for a sign, my comic dubs arnt doing good, I have gotten less then 50p views from the new ones, my art is shit, I just don't know what do to anymore! I'm crying myself to sleep have the nights, I keep ignoring my physical health, I act like I'm fine but I'm not. I just feel like I'm one wrong move away from me trying to jump in front of a train.

I wish I had my old friends back, I wish I had my old discord servers back, I don't understand why I'm even typing this out.. I guess I just wanna rant what's on my mind.. I'm not happy with my life, the only reason why I'm still alive is that I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it! I guess that's where my poems come from deep down, I wish I was a better daughter I wish I was a better student I wish I was a better artist, I'm fucking slow half the time, I don't take my medicine, I don't even know where It is, I lie and say it works but it doesn't, it just makes me feel worse inside.. I don't know how to explain it, I just want to scream my brains out, rip open my insides to find what's wrong with me but I know what's wrong with me!

I'm a failure, a fraud, the mental issues keep getting more, I don't understand anymore!

The autism,the depression I keep being more and more and I don't know what to do! I know nobody is going to read this, some people care but I don't think that's true, I don't have real friends, I keep forgetting to text them, I feel like a horrible person and it's probably true..

I just want to cut open my arms, break the skin and rip put my veins so I can bleed to death, I don't deserve a painless death, I made people hurt and I don't know what to do anymore..

I just need assurance on what I have to do, i. Not going back to the mental hospital, they don't help, I just need to get this off my chest, I'm sorry for those who read this, you don't deserve me putting this on you, I just really need to rant to someone.

I'm failing my history class already- I half half unfinished works, I still haven't gone school shopping I missed my DND game yesterday, I just wanna cry into my cat..

I hate my life and I don't know what to do- I think I might have more problems then I'm letting on, why am I one minute happy the next depressed?

I'm just looking for answers.. I'm sorry you had to read this all

[neurospicy-diaries]

Dear diary,

today I'm better but mostly because life doesn't stop for anyone depression, especially if that one has plans and obligations.

As soon as I was done writing to you the writing board remembered me that, TODAY, I had my first meeting with the ADHD support group, so I put on dinner, showered fast and properly dried my hair (because I wanted to avoid to rewashed the the next afternoon only to have curls) and then went to bed at 1.40AM. Not one of my best days, I have to be honest.

But today I woke up and, despite my brain attempts at procrastination, I went.

I shouldn't have been surprise that being thrown into a group of ADHDers (many not also autistic) would caused me to shut down, which started happening even before entering the building because a few of them were outside waiting and already friendly chatting. In total we are 10 plus the therapist. The moment she proposed to the new three entry to introduce ourselves I completely shut down.

But since it's a neurodivergent group I just declared that I was autistic, that that was too much and I was in shutdown, so I was able to calm myself without exiting the room or crying. In ten minutes I was ready to communicate, but not by voice, so I used the notebook and they were very nice and read my things out loud. In half an hour I positioned my self on the chair in my own way and I was talking.

I was also able to express a couple of hard things, like the fact that I don't like my ADHD at all and that turning 40 was... hard.

I'm the oldest, by the way, even the therapist is younger than me.

In some way I think it gives me an advantage, being older, because I already developed many ways to manage (the healthy ones I mean) but in a couple of occasions I expressed myself leveraging on my age.

I probably should stop this, especially in telling people how hard the 35 and 40 are as turning points (the second oldest is 33, everyone else is below 30, we even have a 21). But it is true that aging is impacting our concentration and energies and yes, they will find more friends in the next years and everything will be better (which, apparently, trying to fix people is an ADHD main trait so I don't think people will be offended much, since they probably do it too).

By the end of the session I was quite chatty but autism had mixed feelings. ADHD was happy to be among peers (some of them are even happy to be ADHDer but, as A. - the therapist - said, it depends of what kind of person you are: if you like chaos, to party and spontaneity, then of course you like your ADHD, but if you like peace and quite like me, of course you don't like it).

Anyway, it was... something, but it's already clear that the ADD ones are the ones ready to connect immediately because us AU/ADD scattered toward our own way as soon as we exited the door.

And I did some deeds too! (I have to write them now because I will not have time tonight).

I bought two pairs of leggins, one that I hope will make me resist winter and one better suited for late spring

I collected my amazon package at the pick up point

I rinsed cycled yesterday laundry and put it on the rack (finding a marseille scented laundry fresher was a life saver)

I washed the sweaters too (actually, one is on the radiator to fast dry because I'm not sure I want to wear a dress tonight)

I grocery shopped

I put the clean dishes in the cupboard

I was able to have lunch

I reminded the pub owner that my party will be there tonight

I asked my sister to bring a spatula for the dessert because I'm not sure the pub is equipped for soft desert.

I already put on my contacts and now I will start to put on the eye pencil because it will take a while before they will stop watering.

At least I was able to put myself together.

Shoulder still not ok xD but whatever, lots of friends tonight!

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

so on thursday it was decided that i am in fact getting married so i can be an american autistic lesbian in a gay marriage with an english autistic lesbian (thus allowing me to move over there and actually start my life). lots of ideas have been thrown out for the ceremony itself because i will allow no churches (we might get married on a community theatre stage because that is the church i have worshiped in and hell why don't we just do this in new orleans so i have an excuse to go there) but that's not the point of this story that is a separate tangent

my friends decided to celebrate with me by taking me to the tennesee ren faire. we had to wake up early because we don't live in tennessee and would have to drive several hours. we'd bought our tickets a week in advance. we waited several hours in line only to be waved through and told there was no parking and even people who got to the front of the line were posting they weren't getting in because it was "4000 people over capacity"

so i was pissed off and disappointed and overstimulated. autism brain was not having a good time with any of the proposed solutions. it was extreme task switching. not a good.

i was feeling like i was gonna scream at some point or act bitchy or be interpreted as sulking or get frustrated which makes me cry. i knew a meltdown was coming and i did not want my friends to be stuck in an hours long car ride with me during a meltdown. i've purposely never let them see me when i get that bad.

so i took a small portion of an edible. not even half of it. a very small portion. it was a new brand that i haven't tried before and i was anticipating just a low dose of cbd to bring back my equilibrium. within a short time i was sitting in that car, increasingly becoming less and less aware of my surroundings and could not tell if i'd been there for minutes or hours on what became an impromptu trip to nashville. when we got out of the car to go into a restaurant, the name of which i cannot recall, i had to convince my body to work. i could not focus on reading the menu so i just ordered the same hot chicken sandwich my roommate did. i was given a drink cup. i did not fill it. i knew if i got up i would fall down. i ate to try to soak up some of the chemicals. ate an entire hot chicken sandwich and fries without a drink. barely was able to throw it the container away later.

we got in the car. an infinity later i forced myself out of the car and followed my roommate down a nashville street. i didn't know where we were or where we were going. but i followed. it was becoming hard to step across the street. we got to the steps of old smokey and i said i needed to sit. and i was down. not unconscious, just down. one of my roommates got the car while the other sat with me. we went to park somewhere. i threw up (my roommate luckily had barf bags she collects during hospital visits). i've never thrown up while high before but it was better than being drunk because it was only the once and i didn't remain nauseous. i had entered full autistic shutdown in the middle of nashville while trying to avoid an autistic meltdown.

i've had shutdowns before. never in public like that. meltdowns are almost preferable because i can still talk and can storm off as needed. when i shut down i'm just gone. my mind is rebooting to install updates. it normally happens with migraine, but when it doesn't it is a clear sign that i've made myself too stressed out. i was trying too hard to be flexible, so i broke.

i learned today that what happened was because i accidentally took delta 9 instead of the usual cbd i take. i've rarely taken delta 9 and never in so high a dose. i still don't fully blame the delta 9 because i think i was trying too hard to deny myself as a disabled woman and my body said fuck you and made me react anyway.

but the incredible thing is that no one was mad at me through that. if i didn't smile big enough on a trip as a kid, i would be yelled at for ruining it for everyone. but my roommates are autistic and one is also severely chronically ill. they've been there. so they just took care of me and are totally normal about it today. one of my roommates kept checking on me on the drive home, just insisting on any small sign of life. and i was happy to give it since i never lost consciousness. this signaled to my roommates that i was fine. if i'd needed a hospital i'd either say so or pass out. as chronically ill themselves, they knew better than to take me to a hospital when it is something i could just recover from.

i also learned today that everyone i was with had wanted to go home after the ren faire debacle because our autism brains were too upset about it but we were all holding on for everyone else. "well we're close to nashville, we might as well salvage the night" and no one was saying no because none of us wanted to be the unfun one. it's very clear that we're all autistic and chronically ill because we're used to minimizing our symptoms for fear of "ruining everyone's night" when all of us are fine to just go home. i was just the excuse to go back. one of my roommates had said before i went down she was wondering which one of us would break first. my money would've been on me and her tbh like we waited til the other two were out of the car before admitting to each other that we were pissed off and about to cry and rage quit. the two chronically ill girlies were always going to be the ones who fuck it up.

what's the moral of this story? that having disabled friends rocks because no one gets mad at you when you can't handle things? sure. that you should exercise caution when using delta 9 and never use it in public to avoid a meltdown because that will make the gods pull the plug in each of your mitochondria, draining you of all energy as you're climbing the steps of a distillery? yes, and you should know it literally felt as though that pit in my stomach had turned into a black hole and pulled me into it and now i cannot talk but at least my corset is keeping me upright just try not to puke on the nice skirt your roommate custom made for you using a $3 thrift store curtain. many morals to be found here

so no i did not see the aurora last night.

[clunelover]

Thinking about ASD features…I’ve never had any issues with idioms or figurative language so I thought I just don’t have that particular issue with communication. But now I’m like "hm wait a minute…part of the reasons I’m hip to idioms is because when I was a kid, my mom and stepdad got me a book called Mad as a Wet Hen that was just about idioms, what they mean and where they originated. And I found that so fascinating I got OBSESSED and read that book over and over, and could be counted on to become annoyingly pedantic any time an idiom came up in conversation, and this was one of many things that set me apart and made other fourth graders consider me weird…interesting interesting"

This is on my mind because of something I saw on Reddit - I used to listen to the podcast Oh No Ross and Carrie that’s mostly about debunking strange wellness claims and cult philosophies, but I guess they did one recently on tests for traits associated with autism, and I didn’t listen to the episode but was reading the comments about it - the top one was "this a real ‘oh honey, we thought you knew!’ Situation" and then everyone in the comments is talking about how they were also surprised to score so high, so then I was taking one of the tests (for fun!) and one of the questions about language got me thinking - yesterday in water aerobics, we were jogging up and down the length of the pool, and the teacher said "the hardest part is coming back" and I was SO thrown, because (obviously in retrospect) she meant "turning around and going back against the water that’s moving in the other direction is the most difficult part of this activity" but in the moment I could NOT get my mind around it, thought she meant "the hardest part of this circuit that you’ve been repeating is going to happen again - it’s COMING BACK" and all I could think was "it’s coming back?! What’s coming back?! What is the hardest part of this circuit cause whatever it is…apparently it’s coming back…" and as I consider that, I’m like "wait I have misunderstandings of that kind ALL THE TIME! Maybe I do have difficulties with being literal and misunderstanding certain turns of phrase!"

Anyway, big picture it doesn’t matter at all…there are definitely things about my brain that are not typical, but functionally I am just me and getting along in work and social basically fine. But it continues to blow my mind how some of these things can manifest, and how much overlap there is between different conditions. Which is I guess another reasons it doesn’t matter that much to determine exactly what categories I fit into. Just things to think about.

[dimonds456-art]

vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

[frogofalltime]

day 18

i once again did not take my meds today. i've decided to give up on adhd medication or at least stimulants.

i had a very weird and intense dream overnight. i described it to robin and they were like wtf

i woke up at 8am but i didn't get to sleep until late last night and i was too tired to get up. so i went back to sleep until 10am lol

i had breakfast and read a chapter of my book. then i listened to a youtube video essay and got dressed.

i went to @etherealspacejelly 's house to help with some chores he hasn't been able to do due to being unwell. the weather was really nice, it felt like spring at last !!

i had lunch and then went to my doctors appointment with @wiggles-mcgee (thank you so much for coming with me !!) my doctor told me she actually hadn't been informed of my adhd diagnosis which is hella sus ??? and she said it is okay to take adhd meds with antidepressants but if it's making me feel worse (which it definitely is) then she agreed with me that stopping taking them was a good idea.

then we went back to the house, i helped robin with some more stuff but i got very tired and nauseous and had to lie down. i listened to robin reading through some homework and watching a youtube video. i couldn't speak and i dozed off a little but i managed not to fall asleep.

then i felt mostly okay again, me and robin talked for a while about how supernatural is so fun but also very problematic lmao, i accidentally kept interrupting so i had to shut up. i would like to be better at communication but alas i have both autism and adhd :')

i had a headache and needed to take my antidepressant meds so i got up and did that and also had a snack. robin made some food but started feeling Bad again so it went upstairs to be alone and i stayed downstairs and played minecraft with our friends.

i kept getting killed by mobs in minecraft so after about an hour i gave up and went home. my mum called me and i talked to her for ten or twenty minutes. then i decompressed for a while before taking a shower.

showering is always hard for me, tonight it was even more difficult than usual because i felt so exhausted and i had a sensory overload. i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. i don't listen to music in the shower anymore because i find it overstimulating.

finally i got out of the shower, put my pyjamas on, did my prayers, and ate some soup and bread as a late evening meal.

now i just have to wash my dishes and brush my teeth and go to bed. i have a 9am class tomorrow so i have to get up very early. i'm hoping i will get to sleep quickly instead of waiting for my brain to switch off until 3am like it has been most nights lately.

[the-official-account]

Episode 1 liveblog

Mixing it up B) I want to know more things about this podcast and have friends in the earlier eps. So back to the start we go!

If you are said mutuals in the early episodes THIS IS NOT SPOILER FREE! You havd been warned. Also a lot of this is notes to self. So.

THE DOG THINGS WITH JACK WAS FORESHADOWED IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES? Oh come on

WAIT for some reason I thought spar was the other person with 18 years in suits but no ofc it's jack!

Oh shit vellum scars right eye. I need to fix that in his art

"vellum is taller than spar and vellum's is a trans man" I may not have caught either of these details for like........15 more episodes? Maybe I don't speak English .....

HCODGSODHDKDDIDBE okay so vellum instantly thinks spars pretty but also *unreadable* (inch resting) and spar NOTICES I forgot how gay this shit starts off. I forgot about this package joke. 😂

Oh Spar is a bit of an asshole <3 "one of does imply there are other top agents as well"

AH JASPER AND JACK WERE WAR BUDDIES I keep being surprised the show is consistent, it's a mystery idk why I'm surprised

"vellum has no points In empathy so he may not be the best at reading people" hmm...hitting him with my autism beam.

"I think that vellum doesn't fully understand emotions and how they all work and conflict with eachother sometimes" HITTING HIM WITH MY AUTISM BEAM

"THE OTHER NAME IS MAXWELL BUT YOU CANT MAKE OUT THE LAST NAME" HEY WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm so curious about this flashback mission

I forgot how much spar did not want all of this to happen holy fuck dosgsksgsjdbd he's so rude <3

No wait why am I only just thinking the vellum autism thing??? Memorizing encyclopedias ass.

"it's signed with his signature handprint" JORDAN.

"I must be thinking of a different nephew. (He only has one nephew)" WELL FUCK. This one may not have been intentional but like. Whew.

In my brain there is nothing but 🥰low empathy autism vellum yayyyy 🥰

I REMEMBERED JORDAN ASKING IF VELLUM MENTIONED CLOVENHEART TO GREY AND I WASNT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS AT THE TIME

knowing what the plot cards jordan drew are and how they turned out is like !!!!

Gah sorel and spar can be so <3<3<3

jack was talking to thorne about spar going to clovenheart....HMMMMMMMMM

oh yikes I really did forget how awkward spar was about going back at first.

"are you gonna talk to anya" [looooong meaningul pause] HOUGH.

"good at what?" JHKLAJSHDKLSDFAKLSFH i love sorel i love sorel so much.

"she's blind" "Yeeeah but like she'll know" is SUCH a funny thing to hear when you don't know anya's deal.

so vellum likes apples and spar likes vintage musicals.

"I'll have a fucking normal to babysit"

"and maybe...you can use the normie to make anya jealous"

There's a lot about this situation which, knowing what I know, i hate, but I UNDERSTAND why spar would think and feel this way and on one hand i'm like YEAH THIS IS yeah this is relatable. on the other hand, i would THROW SO MANY HANDS for vellum.

JORDAN INTRODUCED DIAMOND SO FAST AFTER DRAWING THAT CARD??? WHAT??????

Man <3 early vellum and spar. I love them. I love them SO much. but holy SHIT this show is so well written what the fuck....

and ping! @threeheartscast

[pbandjesse]

I was so nervous about today and it did not matter at all. Today was great.

I slept pretty well last night. When James left for work I was aware of the time. And did the thing where I was like. If I wake up at X I will be able to sleep for Y more minutes. Which is very annoying because it makes my brain like. Loop that information and then I cannot sleep. But thankfully I was able to fall back asleep and I woke up at 930 and felt great honestly. I'm glad I slept until then. It was the best I have felt.

I got up and made the bed and got dressed. I wore my new black dress that is a very thick material and it drapes so nice. I had breakfast and listened to a podcast. I spent some time fixing my one necklace to make the chain longer so it lays nice in my necklace stack. I've really been enjoying layering my necklaces lately. Makes me feel pretty.

I was doing good and felt good. Except my eye. Which hurt so stupid bad. It was swollen and red and watering uncontrollably. It would take a long time, hours, to calm down. I am not sure why it happens and it doesn't last forever so I don't understand it. I rinses my eye and used drops and eventually it was okay but I would have to redo my makeup. Ah well.

I spent the morning just enjoying myself. Hanging out with Sweetp. I put the dishes away. I had the leftover pizza and got myself together for my class.

I did read the Wikipedia article about the artist we were talking about today. Norval Morrisseau, who went by Copper Thunderbird. I was glad I did the reading. And I'm glad that we were talking about a specific person. It made it easier for me.

I left here around noon. Said goodbye to Oleksander who was sitting in the hall. He told me it was cold outside! And I told him I almost didn't wear a coat but I was glad I did.

Its a quick drive over to awah. I was really nervous about unlocking the door and disarming the building but it was totally fine.

I got in and very soon Naomi was ringing the bell. She was very sweet. About 40, very kind. She told me to shush her if she's talking to much but I'm like. I will not be doing that!!

Soon our contact for the autism society came and she was lovely. She said we would have teens first and then adults. And we were expecting up to 20 people! Woah! But I was excited.

And I was right to be so. It would end up being about 11 per group, with half being the parents or carers of the students. And they were all so fun. For the first group I would just explain the project to each of them individually so no one was waiting around.

We had a good mix of abilities. My favorite person was Ireland. Omg was she great. She was really really excited once I started listening to her about her self insert sailor moon character. She was bouncing out of her seat. Her mom kept saying how excited she was. But I was just thrilled to be talking to her. The boys that all came were also excellent. I had some great moments with everyone. One of them really loved to clean and organize so he cleaned all the pallets. I'm just glad he was having fun.

Soon they were cleaning up and the adult class was coming in. They were also great. But we did the class a little different. Instead of talking to each about the project I talked to everyone at once. Got to talk more about the artist and the style and it was nice. There was one guy who shook everyone's hands and he was very kind. He seemed excited when I was like. Yes this is the project but when you are done please use the materials and paper and make what brings you joy. And he was like. Thank you. And it felt so nice. I really felt like I was at my best today in so many ways. I also felt super authenticity myself today. Like I felt lighter inside.

As the hour wound down I started organizing the bags for materials. Naomi would collect and clean and I would sort and put away. Periodically check on everyone. And it was fun. I think next time I will play music. Just to bring some more joy into the room.

I let everyone know I wouldn't be there next week but that the program would still be on. And they said they hope I have fun learning glass blowing and that I better bring pictures back. I promised I will!!

We were pretty well cleaned up. And soon I was arming the building and heading out. I hope I did it right. I think I did. There wasnt really a way to check so I really hope it was correct.

It was a little warmer out then. I would quickly drive home. I went upstairs and dropped off a few things. And then went out again. I walked to the Walgreen to get some hair stuff and chips. It was a nice little walk. And then I came home.

Soon James was home too. While I was drawing a ring leader bear. And James would heat up pasta for me and eventually make me a quesadilla. I ate weird combinations of food tonight. Which upset my belly. But it was nice just hanging with James on the couch while I drew.

Eventually I took a bath. And me and James watched a little documentary. The skin on mu right hand hurts really bad right now so knitting wasn't super fun but I got a few rows done. And now we are in bed.

It is a good day. I feel happy. I am a little nervous about tomorrow because the groups are huge. But it will be a good day. I have decided.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of each other!! Goodnight!!

[bleep-bloop-boo]

hi honey...sorry to bother you...but i saw that some other ppl are asking for advice so i hope you don't mind me dropping this here...(feel free to ignore if u don't want to respond)

but uh i feel like i have audhd, or at least some flavor of executive dysfunction, but my parents don't really seem to understand that. like even the noise of someone chewing makes me angry, or that i have to do this a certain way, or that my brain and my body just doesn't work like my parents' do. i know fidget and stim a lot, and i am reaaally bad at procrastination. er not procrastinating. even simple tasks like getting ready for bed or showering (there's so many steps why are there so many things) or even other things that would literally take 5 minutes. like making a mountain out of a molehill or however it goes. i just relate to a lot a lot of the symptoms and experiences that other audhders have, but i don't know for sure if i have audhd.

idk i just don't know how to tell my parents that i think I have audhd and that i want to get it tested or smth i don't rly know what the process is...

anyway sorry for long ask T.T

hi!! okay, first of all, hfjkddifuhghjdkd thank you for asking me <33 (sorry i responded so late, i havent been online a lot 😭) and you're never a bother and i love the long ask <33

and i totally get where you're coming from! of course this wont work for every parent butttt, you can try this 1. don't mention any specific names, words like disability or autism or even adhd make parents nervous and dont mention internet research yet 2. slowly start describing different symptoms to them just like, work it into the conversation and pretend its relatable like for executive dysfunction "ugghhhh, i wish i could stop being lazy" "i also wish you'd stop being lazy" "its just harddd, like i want to get up but i cant. you know the feeling? like i know i have so much work to do and a lot i need to get done and i really want to start it but like my brain isn't letting me...." *wait a sec* "OH! like you know how when you want to do something dangerous? like when trying to bite your finger off like a carrot cuz you read it in a childrens book and wanted to try it but you couldn't because your brain stops you from hurting yourself? (or use the example of touching something hot) THATS THE FEELING IM TALKING ABOUT!" 3. then after you introduce a lot of the symptoms as 'quirks' you have to the point where they start calling you out on it and recognizing that you are struggling you can move on 4. start talking off-handedly about adhd/autism just casually "oh! you know how i always forget things no matter how much i try to remember them and then end up feeling really guilty i forget?? my friend with adhd does the same thing! dude, literally none of my other friends understood what i meant when i was talking about how frustrating it is to forget everything and like yk like how you start to distrust yourselff, its so cool MAKEUPANAMEFORADHDFRIEND gets itt" from this, you can gauge how supportive your parents are of the idea and start warming them up to it 5. now, some parents might start to search up adhd or autism and begin to realize that the traits you showed in step 2 are actually symptoms if nottt, start showing em videos of people describing adhd/autism and say your friends sent it to you (my friends actually do this. all the time- )

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/7_9VWxnRns8 this persons videos are some of my favorties <33 and show them saying smth like "omg, look, this person is just like meee" 6. after a while of showing them videos like that, start mentioning things like "lolol, my friends keep teasing me saying i have autism/adhd" mention this a couple times when youre using your phone so it seems like they're just texting you about it (i would mention adhd sometimes and autism others like "yk how NAME says i have adhd? well theyre fighting with NAME2 cuz NAME2 thinks i have autism lolol")

7. if they still dont connect the dots, then mention it to them casually and worst comes to worst, blame it on your friends "huh, yk whats funny? all these videos my friends said me are like surprisingly relatable... maybe im adhd lolol" or "broski, my friends are so certain that i have autism, they keep bugging me to get a diagnosis to prove theyre right! can we get one just so they stop??" of course, the best way would be to talk to them and be vulnerable and just be straight about how hard it is for you (and crying will prolly help lol) and ask them if you can please get a diagnosis because you just want to know if theres something to help you if thats not possible, try my list (tho it does take a while... like quite a few months) and let me know how it goes!! and the most important part, remember that you are doing a great job :)) autism and adhd and nuerodivergency can be so hard to deal with and the fact you're trying to get help is good <33 your struggles are so valid, and its not your fault in the slightest. i am so, so, so proud of you for everything you did :)) remember than hon GOOD LUCK BESTIEEE <33333

[blueempty]

Due to several sleeping errors, I forgor

My day was alright outside of my stomach waking me up after 3 hours of comfy sleep, and then me falling asleep for a little too long on the couch at work, which is why I don't think i'm gonna have a new kanji for today. I'll probably just practice some other vocabulary and keep hammering in the first half of my katakana

Like I'm always saying, I dont want to vent here but like, its part of my day ya know. And I'm not upset as I write this its just thoughts in my brain. Btw did you know that overexplaining yourself is an autistic trait? Anyway, I've been thinking about my brain and its problems because my partner has a new work friend who is also autistic, but her and I followed different paths. She seems to be on the Naruto Uzumaki grind of saying exactly what she means and is thinking at all times. The barrier between her and other people made her more forward and blunt, which is probably good. I however went the conflict avoidance route, where I got tired of trying to be understood so I've just spoken less and less over the years. I used to be very social but lately I'm going whole days saying almost nothing to anyone

Its largely because of the specific people I'm around every day, cuz my mom doesnt care about whatever the fuck I'm doing in Onimusha or Splatoon. I've learned what stuff people outside my fixations would be equipped to find interesting. My mom listens, but I dont want to waste her time or bug her while shes working with stuff that isn't relevant to her. And my brother is the most equipped to have conversations with but he's also on a different autism wavelength that seems to be becoming incompatible with mine. Like earlier today I said I was getting really tired of him and our friend being so fuckin negative about everything all the time and then like 2 minutes later he said I was a bitch for paying attention to what skills I have on in Monster Hunter. Something just ain't lining up in our conversations

BUT, thats all to say, my response to that comment wasnt to push the point further, instead I just stopped talking. Because I've learned that he in particular seems to have lost the ability to argue or discuss in good faith when it comes to specific topics. And because of that I sit there and filter everything I think about saying. I have a thought about something in the Splatoon DLC and before i say something I think "my brother doesnt like Splatoon anymore so at best he'll ignore me and at worst I'll get into an argument about whether or not skills are stupid"

So you the reader at this moment may be thinking "this sounds like a problem with you and the 3 people you talk to every day" and you'd be right. But this learned silence has got my ass unsure how to speak in general, so idk how to make new friends or how to interact with old ones. Its quite the pickle oh yes

Again this is literal hashtag thought posting, I'm not trying to complain but this is just stuff thats been on my mind since like January. And now this new friend that my partner has made me think damn I couldve just pivoted into an assertive style autist but I assumed a defensive posture. The human mind truly is fucked and full of terrors

But all that shit aside Dungeon Meshi is amazing, the whole crew is great. I am concerned that I'm getting incorrect localizations on their names cuz i'm reading it on manga dex. So I've just been calling the hobbit Chalk. I'm on chapter 15 now I think. Kensuke is my MVP right now I love that little guy

And finally the moment youve been waiting for yes its true I only have 4 weapons left to go in Side Order. I was spoiled on the name of Eights pallette weapon and it didnt tell me anything but it made me want to get it as soon as possible to see what the fuck it is

My partner also brought me a big sammich at work and it was good. I lob her

Peace and Long Life

[storytellersjheller]

High-Functioning Dragon. . .

Dragons are mythical creatures that have been around since the beginning; even the Egyptians had dragons. Just think of it, a world separated by distance, and yet, dragons are everywhere and span all types of mythologies and vary in size, color and build.

I consider myself a dragon in some ways. Women, such as myself, have autism much like men, however, ours show in different ways then men. I'm not the only one in my family that is on the spectrum either; I won't go into details, though we all get it from my Dad who had Asperger's.

Aspergers; what kind of name is that? I mean, seriously?

I was taught to sound things out as a kid from my speech therapists to help with my lisp. Could you imagine, a 10 year-old me, or any kid for that matter, trying to sound out and write Aspergers?

Likely come out as @$$burger and the teacher would take the paper away and we would have no idea what we did wrong.

In fact, something similar happened to me in grade school; as soon as the teaching aid saw that I tried to rhyme duck, she grabbed my eraser and erased the word, saying, "we don't use that word here."

I thought it was strange at the time that she erased my work, but now as an adult, I try not to laugh at the thought.

My first step in my life as a dragon was when I was eventually diagnosed with astigmatism, as well as near and far sighted; not sure how that can happen, but apparently I get it from my Dad. My Dad also had blue eyes like me, so I literally have my Dad's eyes. So, yeah, I was in middle school sporting bifocals, though I didn't care since for the first time, I could actually see. I read more and did better on tests.

Over the years, such things as writing, reading and math were still hard for me; and they remain that way to this day. I'd get my numbers and letters mixed up, wondering if perhaps I was stupid or wasn't paying attention. My Mom theorized that I had dyslexia; and she was right, however, the path to getting the help that I needed didn't come easy.

in the state that I'm originally from, all we'd have to do is walk into my doctor's office and get tested for dyslexia, get a note and bring it to the school for an IEP. But after we moved to Arizona where we are now live, things weren't so easy; and being be in college made it that much harder.

Yep, you read that right; it took until I was in my 3rd year of college to find a dyslexia therapist who wouldn't charge me an arm and a leg, and maybe a kidney, for a three hour test.

I had gone to my community college's DRS department, but all the numbers they had listed were either too expensive (not one of them took any kind of insurance) or weren't taking on new clients. I ended up getting my therapist through a third party suggestion that still took another couple months before I could actually meet with the therapist.

I was super nervous the day of my appointment even with my Mom coming with me.

Yes, I was a 20-something year old who came with their Mom. I was freaked out and she waited in the parking lot in the car for moral support.

The therapist was nice. She was surprised to see that I'd answered all the questions on her intake form; something I didn't pay much mind to at the time. And we begun the tests. We paused for a bit after 45 minutes so I could use the bathroom. It was on my way back from the restroom, that I'd noticed the carpet of the office; and oh my gosh, my eyes started spinning.

"You have a really trippy carpet." I told the therapist.

She was rightfully confused by the statement, and I explained what I meant and told her that this wasn't the first time that my eyes had been triggered like that.

We continued the tests, and she looked over the results.

Yep, I was dyslexic. My brain interpreted words and sounds differently then normal people would, and also added or replaced words while I read without me even realizing it, too. Yeah, that was trippy to learn about.

"I believe you're high-functioning autistic." The therapist told me.

I swear the world froze around me for a moment.

Me? Autistic? Really?

"I've been doing this a long time, and you have a lot of the signs that are known for women with high-functioning autism." She continued.

I was still in a stake of shock.

Sad thing is, my therapist, though she could help me with my Dyslexia and possible high-functioning autism, couldn't test me officially for HFA (high-functioning autism). I couldn't afford the extra therapy either and haven't been back since.

I went home and started to research, and the more I did, the more I connected with others like me; I felt myself piecing together and started to better understand myself, too, and my Dad and family.

Though keep in mind that HFA for women is different then men, and autism is a wide range, too. New things are being learned about how women at affected by autism; I'm no means a doctor, but merely giving my side of how I see things and how I'm effected by autism.

I know this post is running on the long side, so I'll tell a quick story to better explain my point.

I've been in training as a barista for little near four weeks now.

To help with my Dyslexia, I carry a notebook with me to take notes and help recall things (I also likely have ADHD and OCD, too, so thoughts don't always travel in the directions that they should); but on this shift, I was working the cash register.

My sweet manager was aware of my neurodivergence; I told her a week after I got the job; and she was helping me learn the machine and it's many, many buttons and combinations.

A customer comes up and states their order, checking it come up on the screen while I punch in the order on the register. They finish their order, pay for their drink and the receipt prints.

I hold the receipt out to the customer, asking, "would you like your receipt?"

"How much is it?" The customer replied.

"It's a receipt, it's free."

The customer and my manager started giggling.

I'm left confused and embarrassed not sure why either of them are laughing, but knowing it's me that their giggling at.

"I'm not laughing at you, but with you," The customer giggled.

I wasn't laughing. Not even on the inside.

I know the customer and my manager weren't trying to be mean, and they thought my honest response was sincere and funny.

The customer really wanted to know how much their drink was; something I mentally knew that they could see on the screen and so thought they were asking if the receipt needed to be paid for.

I can be sarcastic, witty, and funny when I mean to be, but there are times, like this one, where I took what they said as face value; this is common in people with HFA. It can feel like a mine field trying to figure out what people mean and how to respond; and this often results in what's called masking.

Think of masking as putting on a mirror; a person who's HFA and in a group will watch how others in the group act and copy those actions or tones to better fit in with the group. I do this countless times, including with my family or out at work; and I can say from experience that trying to put on a mask that I believe will make others happy is draining mentally, emotionally and physically to the point that my anxiety comes in and then I find myself depressed, and it takes training and realizing the signs to know when masking is happening.

It's terrifying to try and be ones true self when all your brain can think about is what people might say and how you might respond, known as scripting, or trying to act like everyone else, such as masking.

And even after all those tests, my community college could only offer a cheep, old recorder that couldn't catch my own voice from an arms length away, a lousy text-to-speech reader that read so poorly that it triggered my auditory senses, and extra time on tests. I asked why that was all the college could do and was told that there wasn't enough funding going to the DRS; it really ticked me off to think that even after bending over backwards to get the testing that I needed, that the most that could be done was some shotty, old equipment and more time on tests. I ended up returning the recorder, getting Speechify and going for the extra time.

Calling myself a dragon started as a joke between me and my little cuz because my eyes look in different directions due to my astigmatism and double prism (also known as Lazy Eye, because one eye compensates for the other; only I have that in BOTH eyes; dang overachievers. I also am a bit colorblind as well.) Though the more I learned about myself, the more odd, or mythical that I kind of felt.

Women with HFA are also known to collect things, and well, I'm no different so like a dragon, I have a collection of various 'artifacts'. And my family tends to call my spots in the house as 'nests' because I like to be surrounded by things that make me happy; another thing common to women with HFA. So, yeah, in many ways, I'm a dragon.

I'm pretty sure my ADHD makes me like a fox; jumping from one place to another at the thought of something shiny only to quickly forget what I was even looking at before.

Not even sure what to go for with my OCD.

So maybe I'm like a fox dragon? Dragon kitsune? I've surely feel I've lived more then one life with everything I've been through, learned about myself and experienced.

If you've made it this far, tell me what kind of creature, mythical or otherwise, that you relate to and why; I'd be interested to know.

A group of dragons is called a thunder (que Imagine Dragon's song) and I'd like to get to know who's apart of mine, dragon or anything else. Dragon's are own as protectors and guardians, and so am I; so welcome to my Thunder.

[queerly-autistic]

I hope you don't mind me jumping on this, but all I've wanted since the series aired was to talk about the depiction of neurodivergence in this show and how important it is to me, and yet I haven't felt able to because any discussion of disability in season two has veered very much in a certain direction, but you know what, the way you described Ed's suicidality arc is so succinct and brilliant, screw it, let's talk about neurodivergence in the gay pirate show, specifically as it relates to Ed. In the first instance, I've always felt that Ed was extremely AuDHD (hello, hi, it's me, I am AuDHD), but this came through particularly strongly in series two, almost like they saw people talking about it and absolutely decided to double down with full intention of him being read that way (him struggling not to talk when Fang asks him to sit quietly, the internal monologue he has whilst trying to be quiet, the bouncing from 'I caught a fish once' to 'well see I'm a fisherman now and I'm running away to fish bye', etc. was EXTREMELY relatable to my ADHD brain). Now, I know that none of that is actually, like, officially canon. It's never specified exactly that this man is autistic or ADHD, so you can brush it off as a headcanon. You can't base an entire neurodivergence discussion around that! Well, a) I can, watch me but also b) Ed literally canonically has a mental illness arc that leads to suicidality and almost kills him. I know when we talk about neurodivergence we focus heavily on autism, and then ADHD, and then maybe a few other things if we're lucky, but things like mental illness and complex trauma, both of which Ed explicitly has, are neurodivergence. Even if you don't believe that Ed is autistic or ADHD (you're wrong, and you're also wrong if you don't think Stede is autistic too, but whatever), he is absolutely a neurodivergent character, and that neurodivergence, his mental illness, is a core part of his arc in season two. Not only do we see him depressed and suicidal, actively trying to die, and making preparations to die in a painfully accurate and commendably aware depiction of suicidality, but we have also seen him experience flashbacks and be triggered (S1E6), we've had several allusions to the fact that he dissociates (he tells Lucius he doesn't remember the talent show at all, and we see him actively dissociate when he sees the wreckage of the Republic of Pirates), and I'd also argue we get some extremely accurate depictions of mania in him (I feel he's potentially manic during the entire talent show bit, which is why he can't remember it).

There is no magical cure. There is no magic dick. Stede's presence gives him a last minute jolt that it's NOT all as hopeless as he thought, that there is someone waiting for him, and from that, he saves himself from death. But it doesn't fix him. There's a reason that David Jenkins has literally referred to Ed as being in 'recovery'. The entirety of the season post episode three is about Ed trying to figure out who he is in the face of a future he didn't expect to be alive for. How to navigate a future he fully planned to not see, because he planned to die. All whilst still being mentally ill and having complex trauma because the decision not to die didn't fix any of that. It's a hard road that literally takes up the entire season.

And you know what, the show doesn't shy away from the fact that sometimes, when you're mentally ill, you do bad things. You hurt people. And that hurt is real. But you know what the show also does? It says 'you can get better, you can make up for it, you can find forgiveness and you can recover', and that shit is POWERFUL to anyone whose felt the guilt of doing something bad or hurting people you love whilst in the irrational depths of your lowest point.

I love that the show actively disavows a more carceral shame-on-you approach to this sort of guilt: we get Ed dressed in a sack, reciting his youtuber apology to the crew, wearing a cat bell, but that's played for laughs because it doesn't fix anything. Sure, some of them accept that apology, but that's not where the actual healing happens. The healing comes from community rehabilitation. It comes from fixing things on the ship. It comes from that heart to heart with Fang (where things are laid on the table and heartfelt apologies and forgiveness offered). It comes from other characters finding ways, with the help of the people they love, to address their trauma. It comes from Ed redirecting the reminders of his guilt to pay for a party for the crew, and then being welcomed by the crew into the same party space, back into the community.

This show, in Ed, has produced one of my absolute favourite arcs about neurodivergence, mental illness, and recovery. As OP said, it's accurate without pitying and hopeful without romanticising. Ed is still neurodivergent at the end. He literally dissociates in the very last episode. He isn't 'fixed'. But he's seeing a world where he could be okay, and where he is loved, and that love (and his belief that he is loved), and the support of the people who love him, give him the strength to continue down the road of trying to be okay. Stede being there, loving him, reminding him he's loved, and, most importantly, refusing to ever give up on him, just makes that road a little bit easier (which is realistic), and it's especially important to show that sort of stalwart love and support being offered to someone who is neurodivergent in difficult and challenging and often socially unacceptable ways. Because at the end of the day, Ed is loved: neurodivergence and mental illness and trauma and all. This sort of depiction and representation being so good and nuanced and bloody sympathetic is rare, in general, and it's particularly rare to see it depicted through a character who is an openly queer man of colour. Like, this shit is important, and I want to yell about it everywhere.

[CW for discussion of severe mental illness (PTSD) and suicide]

I want to add my perspective to the conversation about canyon people picking and choosing which disability rep is worth telling. It’s really offensive to me because I’m mentally disabled so it feels like these people are glossing over the mental illness rep in the show.

I hesitate because i do not want to seem like I’m chastising people for acknowledging the physical disability rep. OFMD has better physical disability rep than any show I’ve seen, while I’ve seen many shows with mentally ill characters. I also do not want to give credit where credit is not due, because ultimately these characters don’t have any diagnosed mental disabilities. However, I don’t think that that subtracts from the representation because 1)the show obviously takes place before many mental health diagnoses that we have now did,2) even if those diagnoses did exist, the crew would not be able to access them, and 3) I think the show is clearly trying to tell us that characters are suffering from PTSD, or at the very least struggling to process a traumatic event, they just don’t have the words to describe it as such.

Many characters exhibit what would today be classified as symptoms of a psychiatric disorder. In this fandom we often joke about that, especially Ed’s (which is more than okay), but I also want to appreciate the way that season 2 deals with the trauma of the kraken era. They freak out and have flashbacks over blindfolds and birthday cakes because of what they’ve been through. They have interpersonal conflicts due to differing ways of processing the trauma and not seeing eye to eye on each others own unique experience (Lucius and Pete come to mind). Lucius takes up smoking to cope with the pain. Ed dissociates (I think, because he doesn’t remember wanting to have a talent show) and is literally suicidal, first passively (“you mean curl up into a ball and die?”) and then actively (the whole storm thing). He also turns to using drugs to self medicate.

Anyway sorry for the novel I just wanted to add my perspective because this show means a lot to me as someone who’s mentally disabled and I want to know if anyone else with a mental disability feels the same/differently.

no don't apologise this is a really good point!

i've posted about it a few times and so has glam and several other people whose links i don't have to hand but the depiction of ed's mental illness and his suicidality is fucking spot on and the show absolutely deserves all the praise it gets for that

especially because it's quite possibly the first show i've ever seen that depicts suicidality in a way that manages to be accurate without being pitying and manages to be hopeful without romanticising the issue. the show brings ed to his lowest point and then shows him being helped to come back from that by people who love him. it tells us that there's always a way for things to get better and that you can get there by yourself but it's easier if you have help, and it tells us that this help is available because there is always going to be someone waiting for you even if you doubt that. it never shows ed as 'cured'. it never shows stede being angry with ed for his symptoms. when lucius suggests that ed might just be 'broken', stede very quickly shuts him down and the show makes it clear that the narrative is on stede's side here.

and all of this just doesn't get brought up by izzy stans. discussion of mental illness portrayal tends to be one of the following:

ignoring ed's arc altogether to focus on izzy's suicide attempt and his 'i want to go' line while he's on his deathbed (and in a massively different place to where he was in s2e2) and using this to pretend that the show's message is 'disabled queer people deserve to die' (yes unfortunately this is a take i have seen with my own two eyes)

writing ed's arc off as an example of 'magic dick' and using this to pretend that he was fine as soon as he got stede back

ignoring ed's arc completely and instead insisting that he's a violent serial killer and abuser with anger issues who traumatised the crew and will inevitably physically abuse stede and kill all their inn's customers

ignoring all portrayals of mental illness completely because they will deliberately downplay the disability of every other disabled character in order to centre izzy

the canyon will bend over backwards to centre izzy and to view the entire show through a lens where he is their longsuffering protagonist who can do no wrong and it's led them to ignore so much of what makes the show great

[adhdeancas]

wait so fellow adhder I'm I think that actually all of the TFW are actually ND. Cas has autism, dean has adhd, and hear me out, Sam has ocd. the intrusive thoughts? obsessive behavior? eating and acting clean literally to a point where it is inconvenient for everyone involved? I think he is obsessing over being clean and fresh (compared to demon blood and souless Sam, sleazy and nasty Sam) also I have a few reasons for thinking dean us adhd but y do u think so sorry I'm rambling

let’i’ve been waiting all my life for you to come into my inbox and talk to me about this

of COURSE TFW are ND!!! of course!! and yes, yes, we all know Cas has autism I love my autistic angel and i love the hc that Sam has ocd because it does fit really well!

(sectioned all of this out because it’s better for adhders to read, you get it)

his ocd directly bleeds into his poor self-esteem like you said with the demon blood! he feels the need to be pure and even though he canonically knows that these things (like eating clean, running, etc) can’t help his problem, he still tries because he kind of... has to. 

also OCD is often connected to a need for control, and the physical state of sam’s body is the one thing he has control over (which is also where we get into eating disorder territory). Sam has had so little control over his life, especially growing up, and for most his childhood, he didn’t even control what he ate (with Dean making/buying his meals). SO once he gets out of that environment, he hyperfixates on this new freedom!

we can also go to the hand pressing with this. a literal compulsion that even after the effect of the pain wears off once the hand heals, he still does it as a grounding method. nonsensical compulsion to calm anxiety? yes OCD 

can also be linked to childhood trauma but what ND can’t be amirite

emotional regulation once again - remember Angry Boy King Sammy? So angry he doesn’t know what to do and can’t control it and feels like he’s gonna explode with the rage?

intrusive (sometimes violent) thoughts are a huge marker for OCD and Sam’s obviously sometimes come from Unnatural means but they are also a part of him and kind of always have been

religious themes are also huge in OCD which Fits and makes me EMOTIONAL Sam I’m so sorry he spent his whole childhood feeling unclean and unholy and Fixated on that to the point of praying to a God his family didn’t believe in just so he could be Clean fuck

also i think it’s really interesting and cool that of the two brothers, Sam shows the most obvious signs of OCD even though he is canonically the messier brother and the brother not worried about IRL germs (i know the writers didn’t try to do this but i don’t care they didn’t play into the OCD means i must germex! trope)

AND ADHD DEAN!!! 

let’s first look at the obvious: Dean is highly skilled in combat, even though he hates physical exercise. Why? ADHD brain tied up with anxiety is hardwired into flight or fight, not sit and focus on one thing. it’s constantly picking up on threats and peripheral vision and all that shit 

he also has a spotty history with books! like i’ve said before, not shit writing, this is Dean’s ADHD. Dean as a kid read some high-brow books and he still does occasionally but he doesn’t nearly as much as an adult because it became much harder!! and because he just couldn’t devote that much attention, even as a kid, to things that he wasn’t really interested in! This is why he hates research

he’s known far and wide for his impulsiveness, his knee jerk decisions. it’s part of what makes him a good hunter and part of what makes him human disorder incarnate - It’s ADHD

Low frustration tolerance and rejection-sensitive dysphoria! Dean has a really hard time regulating his emotions and especially anger - especially especially especially when he feels like he’s being rejected or abandoned. it’s literally his worst fear 

^^^^ rejection-sensitive dysphoria also plays into his low self-esteem (god poor kid to have RSD in an environment growing up where Everyone Was Constantly Busting Each Other’s Balls and couldn’t be emotionally available to also tell you they actually love you), high self standards, and social anxiety (he’s a bullshitter, his chameleon charm is also a symptom of his social anxiety and RSD) 

also Dean has lots of sleep problems both ways and complicated relationships with motivation and inner restlessness versus a yearning for stability 

comfort items / food!! now i can’t find the research on this so forgive me because i know i’ve read it somewhere that ADHDers tend to gravitate toward familiar things or foods! (like Dean’s burgers and his car / motels that are all basically the same) it is a very ND thing in general as well

along that line, ADHDers tend to have sensory processing issues - it’s why Dean has an Outfit Recipe of the same types of clothes that he sticks to - also why he delights so much in sensory stuff like magic fingers and the Dead Guy Robe

(((jfc i thought of this point while writing out the last one and then forgot it and had to stare at the screen for a minute, now I’ve forgotten it again while writing this thank you adhd))) AH YES! auditory processing! Remember how we make fun of Dean for his lame comebacks? Remember how we make fun of him for his buffer speed in The Scene? baby that’s because it takes him five extra seconds to translate those words let alone RESPOND

not to mention people with ADHD often have much higher rates of anxiety/depression (duh) and substance abuse (yes)

lmao in researching this the article I was looking at says that lead exposure as a child can lead to ADHD and jfc you KNOW those shitty motels had Exclusively Lead Paint smh

BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITES of course has to be that Dean gets along so well with autistic Cas!! as an adhd dude with an autistic best friend, WE DIG! adhd and autism go so well together because we can get each other in ways that others just Can’t. adhd and autism have a lot of overlap/similarities in brain function and shit. 

tend to eschew social conventions and be much more straightforward/want that in others

they can both have the tendency to fidget and depending on upbringing mask that for some people - which also leads to being social chameleons

they both have comfort items / foods that NT find really strange or childish in my experience

sensory disorders!!! cas with his ONE OUTFIT and Dean with his different colored ONE OUTFIT 

Anyway i’m in love with this and i have so many thoughts but here are a few of them thank you very much for this ask i love that you came to me