#augh don't hate me
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He didn't do shatterspin. It was not his attack, he was being possessed by spirits/ghosts. He is somewhat conscious during the possession but not in control of his body.
shatterspin issue 2 spoilers
i am BEGGING that garmadon's shatterspin being blue has some kind of significance and isn't just a inconsistency
#that was not his attack or maneuver#it wasn't even the 🌪️ just ghosts throwing hands#ninjago shatterspin#shatterspin comic#misconception#ninjago spoilers#shatterspin spoilers#augh don't hate me#analysis
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gonna start using the kofi membership thing so i made some little scungles to differentiate between the different tiers, using my ocs because they're the most important things in the world
#my art#oc#beasley#midge#wellyboot#idk what i'll offer in each tier yet and also UGH i hate advertising myself UGH AUGH eug#i need like a little goblin that watches me at all times and acts as my social media promoter so i don't have to do it#idk why he also has to watch me at all times but it feels right
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Quick, post Hollow Knight sketchbook art from circa five years ago and go to bed before anyone notices (but a second time because Tumblr is being weird about the first attempt)
#I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO IS SEEING THIS A SECOND TIME. I THINK TUMBLR FIXED THE ORIGINAL A FEW MINUTES BEFORE I DELETED IT. AUGH#Tumblr please don't be mean to me this time. it's just cute bugs I don't know why you hated the original#anyhoo. original tags time:#posting this and realizing Grimm and Hollow parallel Twig and Ark’s shadow/fire motifs#and wondering if my OTPs throughout the years are truly just the same couple but copy and pasted in different fonts#I miss using pencil in my sketchbook…#I also just miss my sketchbook in general.#might need to dust the old thing off and set aside the pens for a bit.#grollow#hollow knight#hollow knight fanart#hollow knight comic#hollow knight pure vessel#hollow knight pale king#hollow knight white lady#hollow knight hornet#hollow knight grimm#hollow knight little ghost#hollow knight quirrel#hollow knight oro#hollow knight mato#stuff by sofie
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tbh it is incredible how compelling bingge and shen jiu are considering they're characters who ceased to exist as soon as the novel began
#svsss#they're so fascinating to me....#the way the cycle of abuse plays out between them#that post about characters who don't deal with their trauma#whose trauma makes them mean and hateful and unpleasant#that's shen jiu#his trauma and abuse turned him into a monster#and then he turned around and did the same thing to binghe#turning him into the monster that would ultimately kill him#he is the monster shen jiu created#the way they parallel each other is so fascinating to me#people who were kicked and beaten and unloved#and the moment they got some power they took violent revenge on the people who hurt them#they used a pile of bodies to climb to the top#but it wasn't fulfilling once they got there#they were still hollow and hateful and unloved#ough. augh. coughs up blood#thinks about the bingge extra and the shen jiu extra and has to go lie down for a while#AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN THE GODDAMN MAIN NOVEL#i mean bingge is for one (1) extremely graphic scene#but shen jiu is fucking dead and gone the moment shen yuan appears#and yet they're SO complex and compelling#because of how they haunt the narrative#and how they are the ugly shadows that trail behind our main characters
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Please don't crucified me if this headcanon is deemed unrealistic in real life. (´;ω;`) More notes / detailed notes:
stayed & travelled with the Figs for awhile -- after being found, before finally dropped of to an institution, as the Figs think their travelling life style is not really suitable to raise a child
quickly picked up civilization as he is an intelligent child (that's why he is a ravenclaw)
exchanged letters with the travelling Figs during his time at the institution / orphanage
was a really helpful child during his time at the institution / orphanage that he is close with the staff
he thinks of befriending people is a way of learning & by helping them he gets to experience a lot of different things
a mellow temperament child in general (just like how it is ingame)
likes exploring (bcs damn! we really going places in that game)
picked the silly 'Alex Xander' name himself, maybe he heard a mother called her child with that name once and he is obsessed with that name ever since.
he always writes Xander as his 'family name' to show that he is complete even without a family
actually a bit older than his classmates, as he went through extra few years to catch up to civilization as a feral child
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#anyhow i really love our barn owl; she's so beautiful but with a face like biscuit
#i can't stop thinking of how he is a child raised by the forest; so ... ; like; that's why he got clawed scars on his face and all .......#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy mc#character sheet#student id#hogwarts legacy fanart#fanart#i was torn between the thought of fig adopted him for several years already; exactly after he retired from travelling#or they never had any contact with him after they dropped him off#and literally only met again when his magic awakened & noticed by hogwarts; and Fig be like; Aren't u that child?#and during their time together Fig is considering to officially adopt him as their child#it makes the end game so much sadder ; ~~ ;#like; they were just going to be family for real; and suddenly AUGH; and then what's gonna happen to him; that's another story#anyhow what's gonna happened with seb; i don't think he has any other guardians in the family; tho @nne can just whoosh! without guardian;#is legal matter doesn't matter in this world; ok ; no more headache; just independency & fantasy#fsh; knowing how his family is financially stable; 0minis would want to just adopt; but he would hate adopting @nne & seb to his family#pondering i wonder if any other prof would like to take custody over my child#or probably Figs have kind relatives that would take him in#aieehhh let's not think too hard for that part now#i am not a novelist for a reason#plot holes; plot holes everywhere#fshsfh anyhow i don't know wand flexibility is a thing#i was confused what to pick and just went with what they chose for me first#is that information even important or has any meaning at all
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umm rate the birthday invitation i guess???? my mom really wanted me to draw something, so i just.... did this lol
#censored for obvious reasons#y'all don't get to know my real name or where i live#even though it's really easy to guess-#but yeah#my mom was weirdly insistent that i draw something#i don't really show anyone irl my art so uh#that's probably why#also absolutely HATE how knuckles looks#i never draw him because i struggle with his forehead </3#had to make shadow's inner ears (?) light bc i am NOT telling my family abt my headcanons#oh yeah i don't show anyone my stuff bc so much of it is just straight up shipping#and sonic fanart is just Inherently Cringe to me#i feel like if i showed someone in real life what i draw they would just go “oh..............”#and AUGH that feels awful#bc sometimes something i like is mentioned#so i immediately start talking about it#and i can feel the “how do i get out of this conversation” vibes coming off them#wait how did i get to this#this post is abt my birthday party wtf#yapped so much to myself i had a whole topic change#ummmmm anyways#knuckles the echidna#tails the fox#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sonic fandom#my birthday#sonic movie 3#i guess??#ravioliart
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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time to get pissed about the fact that constantine's father's hatred for and dismissal of him extends all the way down to his fucking name.
like yeah, john is a fine & normal name. he doesn't have any strong feelings about it and neither does anyone else. but john's mother wanted him, loved him, and iirc might have already had a name picked out for him before she died. (his older sister was named cheryl, which wasn't even in the TOP 100 most common UK girl names at the time, so there was a precedent for putting a lot of thought into naming her kids!!) and then she dies, and thomas just. doesn't. care. john, number one most common UK baby name for the four preceding decades. like john smith. like john fucking doe.
how it must feel to him when people say that name with actual affection instead of rage. how rare that is in his line of work. how different it must sound when he's wanted.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#PERSONALS DO NOT REBLOG#wrapping up my rage of caliban obsession with this fuckin thing because AUGH. I'M MAD ABOUT IT#'john doe' is particularly what i think of when i consider name choice bc his dad Confirmed that he wanted john dead as soon as he was born#said to him multiple times in the comics that he wished john had died instead of his mum#almost completely ignored him as a baby until he was old enough to understand being blamed for things outside of his control#GOD. thomas constantine makes me so fucking ANGRY#don't mind me i'm rereading issue 100 and SEETHING#( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.
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Oooh, definitely glee for the fandom asks! <3
Always with the hornets' nests with these ones, I see! Though i don't think there's a fandom out there that isn't in some way a hornets' nest once it gets large enough... hm. Alright. I'm just gonna be as honest as i can be about this, and tag accordingly.
Glee:
my favourite female character: augh. argh. ouph. so difficult. so hard. Since I'm working off of half-remembered show and half recently-rewatched show... its a tossup. Mercedes, Santana, Quinn. Probably Mercedes. She did nothing wrong ever in her entire life <3 well okay maybe except that one time she smashed kurt's car windows (but it was a banger song, though). Can't say Santana because of the Biphobia TM and other things like excessive use of bigotry-based insults, and Quinn. Oh god girl. Cheating is not cool! Funnily enough! So I find them really interesting but 'favourite' is hard to say. Mercedes. Mercedes for sure <3
my favourite male character: Blaine sam blaine sam blaine sam yes. I am imitating ripping petals off of flowers and coming to a conclusion based on which is the last name i said. So I guess that means Sam! But really this is a tie.
my favourite book/season/etc: Mannnnn idk. I don't like shows for seasons as-a-whole. Also i could not tell you what happened in any given season if you held a gun to my head. I'm not good at that. The only shows i know 'seasons' of are Buffy and Teen Wolf because i've watched them like 100000000000 times (exaggeration) for various reasons (mostly fanfiction research).
my favourite episode (if its a tv show): I can tell you my LEAST favourite episode (blame it on the alcohol, thank you Kurt king of biphobia! this is a persona foible it's not the worst episode in the show. by far. by far. it's kind of an average one. I'm just angry at it.) BUT er. Favourite? Idk. Genuinely some of the earlier Kurt-centric stuff was really well done (his convo with Burt... <3) and the Quinn giving birth accompanied by bohemian rhapsody was obviously iconic, but if I'll be honest I couldn't name any episodes of this show (other than That One previously stated, anyway). And yeah most of the time they were named after song titles and No i don't remember those song titles either. I'm just so bad at this. My memory is that of a goldfish's being haphazardly bounced around on a sieve.
my favourite cast member: it would be really funny if I said Demi Lovato [she counts!] but the truth is N/A: i don't know these people !!! They are strangers!! (i don't. follow celebrities. at all. I couldn't even name most of them. They're just people doing a job and their lives are irrelevant to me beyond their ability to perform that job well. I do not need to know where they live and what coffee they drink. Stalker shit tbh. I'm kind of a very private person myself, so rpf-adjacent stuff just... creeps me out. I've never watched a single cast interview in my lifetime and I'm not about to start!)
my favourite ship: Difficult to say! Grave and obvious lie. Blam. It's blam. Quintana is a close runner up though Santana really needs to stop dating people who cheat on the regular (I'll accept Quinn has grown enough not to do this by the time a Quintana coupling would be viable - and satisfying in terms of character arcs - narratively speaking).
a character I’d die defending: Blaine Anderson did something wrong for sure but like Kurt did it first so shrugs. Cancels out. Bad for each other! Case closed!
a character I just can’t sympathize with: genuinely don't remember if I had one of those the first time around because I was like 10 and just didn't pay attention if I didn't care, but Terri and her racist self take that 'prize' this time, alongside the obvious predator in the room [original choir teacher. Sandy? I forget his name immediately after hearing it. He doesn't deserve to be remembered]. Also JBI is just.... a yikes character all around. I mean, he's a blatant stereotype for one, in a the people who wrote this person don't like jews kind of way. Unfortunately common stereotype too, for the era, so not only is he that, he's also lazy. Just a one-note pervert who's the butt of various antisemitic 'jokes' you've heard from era-peer shows a million times over, tired and awful and a sour reminder of bigotry that continues to this day. Really regrettable character who's lack of redeeming qualities was probably purposeful. (I know Rachel and tina are also jewish, but this comes up very rarely and mostly only when santana needs to say something kind of fucked up, as is her modus operandi, for 'comic relief'. Tina's jewish-ness wasn't even canon for several seasons, because she didn't have a surname or a family or anything resembling complex character depth for several seasons. The one time I really remember Rachel's religion being important was when she was pressuring Kurt into believing in some kind of god, which??? don't do that. Bad example. Trying to guilt trip a friend into faith sucks. I take back what i said earlier Mercedes did that too. Boo. Girls try again that was a bad showing all around. Though i have no idea why Kurt went the acupuncture route as his 'secular' option but i think that has to do a lot with the writers doing literally no research ever once in their lives (you can tell they don't by the way they write the football segments of the show, which make no sense according to football fans who watch Glee, of which there are numerous because real life isn't like fiction where you can only like music or sports. Most of the kids in my school year were doing the most of everything ever if they were the 'popular' ones - we do that differently; popularity isn't really based on who know know; for some bizzare reason literally everyone knew who I was? Even people I'd never spoken to?? - but more about like... how much you can do, I guess. Overachievers, but I'm not saying that negatively; these people were generally - generally - very nice, and surprisingly chill for people who had no spare time whatsoever. I'm not entirely sure when they slept; A* across the board, at least one sport, at least one instrument, several extracurriculars, parties every weekend, dozens of friends and an s.o. . Eh? Way too much going on. Scary lifestyle! Impressive burnout rate, probably. Er. Tangent! Back to the scheduled programming).) There's uhhhh there's a lot of bad characters on the show, but i'd say Sandy and Terri and her equally but more loudly racist sister are truly completely irredeemable ones. Like they're not interesting or anything, they're just there to be narrative annoyances (which, in the case of Sandy specifically, is insane. Arrest that man!!! He has actively sexually assaulted minors!!!).
a character I grew to love: difficult to say because I tend to just make an opinion and stick to it. Also i don't remember who i liked at first and who i didn't, this show came out when i was eight. I didn't watch it until I was a little older than that, of course, but I frankly have spotty memory until my late teens, so! I'm not sure!! Quinn, probably. Pink-hair-era Quinn helped me understand her more, and seeing the moments of kindness hidden behind practical cruelty, when you understand her family and situation, makes things make a lot more sense. It takes a lot to get me to sympathise with a cheater, but I can see where Quinn was getting all turned around in her head about life because of her upbringing and socialisation, not to mention the profoundly negative impact cheerios had on her mentally and that the school's culture in general was not exactly a breeding ground for empathy and optimism.
my anti otp: can you tell (klaine). I don't dislike Kurt!!! Please let him have a fun chillaxed boyfriend in new york with his vogue friends. But also please stop attempting to control other people's diets thank you!! Thank you!! I'm of mixed feelings. Blaine and Kurt both did at least one bad, relationship-ending thing, and proved over and over again that they just weren't on the same wavelength in regards to life goals and ways of living it. They can't even share the same living space, which is kind of required for a functional marriage. I don't know, it just seems like they settled for their first proper, serious boyfriend even if that's not really the best match, and I... wish they'd just got to see more of life first, you know? They got married at like 20! Or something! I'm 23, I cannot imagine getting married at 20. That's a baby. Let them live first!
(same for Santana and Brittney, imo. I also don't really like them together because Santana and Brittney have very different ideas regarding monogamy, which is just never going to go down well in the long run. If your girl cheats on you like twenty times and tells you to your face its not cheating in her view of things, but you think it is, break up with her because you'll just make each other miserable. Brittney sort of seems incapable of feeling guilt but if she were, this kind of moral pressure would be Not Good, and obviously Santana isn't comfortable with the idea and doesn't have to be!! Just move on!!! Find other people!!!! Don't marry your first girlfriend if you've broken up like ten times this is simple!!!! Please!!!! But Klaine wins out over Brittana because - in my opinion, glee fandom please do not persecute me, I am known for this specific thing - I see... interactions that verge on abusive between Klaine that I don't see in Brittana. So. Oof? Ex; use of public perception to disguise attack; deliberately hurting Blaine in a stage-combat fencing match (you are not meant to make actual contact in these) and thus using Blaine's own dislike of making his difficulties common knowledge against him in order to 'punish' him. This is no good! Don't do this!!.[Also just to err vaguepost about a comment.... that is. not. what i would call passive aggressive. Physically attacking someone with a sword - no matter the type of sword, fencing foils hurt just as much, they're just not stab-you sharp... er, these days - is just straight-up aggressive.]).
Note that negative things stick in the mind better than positive ones; on a rewatch I may well alter my opinion!
But also I'm really, really stubborn. So it's not likely. Klaine.
#how the fuck do i tag this#glee#glee shite#ask game#anti-klaine#anti-brittana#anti-kurt#though it isn't because i do like him genuinely one of the better characters. he just... doesn't treat blaine great because they're#fundamentally incompatible romantically. and that's fine! but taking this out on each other isn't.#augh. i hate talking about controversial shit a;lksfja;slkf i used to get So Scared of anon hate mobs you have no idea#if i thought something could get that i simply would never ever not one even dare to think it. let alone say it online in a private forum#(dms with my friends) or god forbid a public post#so. this is growth!#you could say i just got a really weird form of catholic guilt about dissenting from public opinion when i was like 14. you'd also probably#be correct! As I was catholic. And all. Not very devout mind you (did not. go to church.) but still#anyways.#... there's so much i could say about brittany as a character but i'd have to rewatch to make sure i was being accurate about her.#so much that isn't exactly glowing commendation. to be clear.#augh. this show gives me so many very very mean thoughts about it. because it does things so very meanly most of the time#it handles beaste well. Coach Beaste is great. 11/10 character#but so much other stuff it gets just so wrong. just so wrong#(also i never finished the show. actually like genuinely i just missed a whole portion of it. so if they fuck up Beaste at some point I hav#not seen I'll be really really mad.)#(I found out about some of the later events-second hand. i don't 100% know how the brittana marriage goes down but i just... don't like it#as a concept. like at all. they're too young and too unstable for that shit.)#(basically; towards the end i was still watching the show on tv. so i missed whole swathes of episodes thanks to how tv works. do not miss#that headache!)#augh. i should shut up now and go to bed. midnight.)#<3 thanks for the ask! Hope i didn't say anything you disagree with too strongly...
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does anyone else find it fucked up that moon's friends protect themselves from her with the skyfire at the end of moon rising?
#wings of fire#moonwatcher#look okay i've been slowly rereading the series on and off again bc one of my friends is getting into the series#so correct me where i'm wrong in asking why kinkajou feels entitled for moon to disclaim she's a telepath and seer upon first meeting her#when the news that nightwings don't have powers anymore and that they manipulated the entire sandwing succession war conflict#for their own gain went PUBLIC so nightwings are a hated tribe#nevermind the fact that moon feels like an outcast among her tribe because she hatched off of the volcano and never had to suffer#though it's sweet that her mother cares for her and worries about her she still calls moon her 'weird little diamond'#and impresses upon her 'secret hidden safe' which is basically wof's conceal don't feel#when was moon supposed to feel safe enough in disclosing her power she's hated FOR having and hated for NOT having#do you (general) think she's in ANY position to advertise she's the tribe's ONLY true seer and telepath in generations safely?#'i get what kinkajou means but it feels almost like having to disclaim your trans or disabled. Is a bit fucked' is what my friend said#it's the same fucking thing as 'i'm losing the person i once knew' but perhaps not in those words and not nearly as harshly#i know kinkajou comes around to moon eventually and they remain friends. but there's something REALLY fucked about it imo#same friend pointed out there's a queerness to this which i will 100% agree on like it stings on a personal level#like. look i still like the series but man reading it critically and interacting with it in a more adult lens#is definitely an action i am doing right now.#i think i'm still correct in saying darkstalker was a child. evil is not created in a vacuum. hatred is taught not inherent.#it does not excuse him from the evil he did commit. but he was a child. he was a FUCKING ABUSED CHILD. augh. (quietly losing my mind)#rex rambles
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behold! a guy!!!
#orinj...#Ardbert#fanart#speedpaint#i draw sometimes#Final Fantasy XIV#squishing him like a stress ball because augh work anxiety#very nice of my workplace to allow me to relive the uni anxiety of trying to find people for group tasks when i don't talk to anyone#except i have to find ppl to write feedback for me. and also forcing me to write feedback too. i hate writing anything so fucking much
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aaah lsoh pics!!! ft. their corpse-flower-inspired audrey ii!!
#the guthrie instagram account set from which i'm getting these also included the pic shared the other day ft. audrey & seymour#there's their corpse flower audrey ii! in another ''i'm making a 99.99% informed inference'' on that technically but. truly#lsoh#will roland#seymour krelborn#likewise again in their suddenly seymour outfits there. do they have converse yellow table blue phone / blue table yellow phone there#i'll save them myself. omw. i cannot imagine the experience lmfao#that is like ''i Can kind of imagine naturally the stage show initial experience is simply different''#i.e. the way the show ran for years with everyone going ''yaaay little shoppp wheeee''#then they had to reshoot their elaborate already produced film ending b/c it's like everyone was like yaaay little shoppp wheeee#until you kill them this time & Everyone Hated That. Everyone Hated That and we simply Must change it#take ''yeah it's a movie to me i've never seen a stage show / had not seen one as the Original Experience to me''#take ''and it's obviously like 'well. bummer' in that context as well'' and ''nooo will roland seymour nooo''#and look at all his patterns!! besties omw. what a torment lmao#and don't even talk to us about delivering the comedic beats to catch everyone off guard for the [got real] beats. augh#also orin looks like he's like a twelve year old on that thing lmfao. great#shoutout to the street texture. Hole. here it is! audrey ii#that city backdrop up there in the first pic and the dusky lighting. wahoo
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so uh I saw the pride HMS stuff and I wanted to know if you have an Omnisexual Heart version already or if you'd be willing to do that. "^^
Took a lil bit to answer since the art is a bit old & wanted to fix it!
Just in case tho, the old one is there too just in case you prefer it
If anyone uses this as a pfp or anything, please credit me!!! :}
[Transparent versions below, in case anyone wants to make their own]
#will prolly remake Mind & Souls too#Bro looks so different now#Still kinda like the old one too tho#It has a more simple & soft vibe#Also btw Tumblr I hate u sm. Fixing this post was hell to do#Draft wouldn't let me edit it & then the photos got all outta order#augh fix ur app my guy#Anyways we be gay gang#Gay heart for the gay listener/j#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj heart#-atlas art-#Also if anyone wants a specific one. I don't mind makin em :} just send in an ask
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something that had always been really frustrating for me when i was still in math classes in school was trying to watch the teacher actually work the problem out on the board and still not understanding wtf was happening. for some context, i heavily suspect that i have some form of dyscalculia because math and numbers literally do not compute properly in my brain. it'd be too long to explain the full extent of my possible dyscalculia here but math literally does the mental equivalent of maxing out the CPU power and memory of a computer to the point where it freezes and lags to my brain.
math class was always stressful for me because no matter what i did and how much progress i made, there was always a lack of understanding i had when it came to trying to work any math problem out long term and remembering anything. it felt like there was always something i was missing, so when the time came for the teacher to explain and go through a math problem step-by-step on the whiteboard, i made sure i paid as much attention to it as humanly possible as child-to-teenager me could muster and even then i still did not understand how the fuck they solved it, all because of one thing: the teacher pulling a random number completely out of their ass that happened to be the key to solving the problem.
like. i don't think i can illustrate how frustrating and isolating this was to experience with words alone. here i was, paying as much attention as i physically could, trying my damned hardest to memorise each individual step and calculation in order to understand how to get from point A to point B. everything made perfect sense up until the teacher suddenly stops for a second and writes a seemingly completely unrelated number there with no context as to why it's there in the first place, and then, in that singular moment, everything immediately comes crumbling down and i'm left completely confused. and somehow, everyone else around me perfectly understands it except me. like. imagine sitting there, giving the teacher all the attention you possibly could, literally watching and studying their hand movements just to understand every single step, only to be even more confused than your classmates, who you're pretty sure were half-asleep during the explanation, who also say they understand how the teacher came to that conclusion. what. the actual fuck.
when i try to explain how infinitely confusing and irritating this was for me, i'm reminded of a quote from that video Patricia Taxxon made about DHMIS: "The rug is pulled again ... There was never any hope of following the thread, understanding is impossible.". even when i was literally trying my best to possibly follow anything that was happening, the rug still gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm sent all the way back to square one of not understanding a single thing and being confused again. all because the teacher didn't explicitly explain how they got that random number that was apparently singlehandedly necessary for solving the equation and where they got it from, apart from that place being from literally fucking nowhere.
it's really no wonder that i eventually stopped giving a shit about paying attention in math class, because even when i was, it was still daunting and incomprehensible as always. why bother trying anymore when trying still gets you nowhere? trying to ask the teacher where they got that number from was an impossible to understand task as well, as their either snapped back with a "well you should have been paying attention" (even though i WAS but whatever) or they do explain that they added the first two numbers from the equation together or something, but now i'm wondering why they didn't just explain that in the first place like they did with everything else instead of seemingly just assuming everyone would know to do that.
by the way, if i had to give an estimate, my math ability is probably still at like. a 5th grader's level at best. so uh. yeah it's not good. still, it is kinda funny to me though, not only because i do find a bit of humour in the situation, but also because some people are often so quick to judge someone's intelligence purely based on their mathematical abilities alone. like. the idea of someone calling me dumb for still needing to do addition with my fingers despite the fact that my reading and language levels are considered above average is really funny to me lmaooo
#dyscalculia#math anxiety#i was NOT having fun in math class when i was still in school loollll#to this day i still don't know all my times tables#i just know the essential ones like my 2s 5s and 10s#the others i only really partially remember but i still can't actually do beyond multiples of 12#like i partially know what they are but i can't actually DO them in my head without needing to sit there for a minute or two#i can't do quick maths. i just can't do that. there are too many numbers to keep track of and count at once to do quickly.#like i can't just conjure up a number like a fucken genie like other people seem to do. i need to like. actually count first#i hate quick maths games so much dude. it's so stressful. i physically cannot keep up with it and it's really frustrating and unfun#it's the same when people tell me to do an equation really quickly. like first of all fuck you#and second of all my brain WILL short circuit#anyway yeah this is a vent#making this not rebloggable for that reason..... sorry fellas#i'm still hoping other people with dyscalculia may find this relatable or cathartic#god how that particia taxxon quote strikes my very soul so so much.....#the entire video is really good but that quote specifically. holy shit#understanding is impossible. that is how i feel. that perfectly explains how i feel about math. understanding is impossible. wow.#i feel like data repeating ''i am not less perfect than lore'' to himself about that quote. understanding is impossible.#that is how i have felt about math for such a long fucking time oh my god#understanding anything to do with math and numbers feels impossibly incomprehensible for me.#basic concepts make sense. i understand how the four basic operations work. i just can't understand much else from that.#too many numbers overflow my brain#it takes literal actual power to be able to do one sheet of equations for me#i might not even finish it just because it's so difficult and uninteresting for me#i'm rambling again auahgh. the basic point of this post is that i don't understand math and math teachers don't understand how to make-#-any basic fucking sense. apparently. anyway yeah official steakout dyscalculia coming out post (i probably have it)#(i'm not diagnosed yet but i'm 80% sure i have it)#(the other 20% is me gaslighting myself) (augh)
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i don't know. i understand the sentiments for sure. but hating men as a lesbian is a bit of a turn-off.
#don't reblog obviously#not about you#but i am so tired#absolutely tanked my energy for the rest of the day#huge debuff#maybe i'll delete this later#it's really not something worth talking about#i don't even know who i can talk to about this#well whatever#you must hate men this much to ride#personally i'd rather not hate anyone#sick to my stomach#i don't even disagree with the post is the thing. it just left me feeling gross and alienated.#another reminder that i'm the interloper#the followups were worse#i need to stop thinking about this but my hands are too sweaty to play the bass and augh. augh. augh.
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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