#at the round table

[notmuchtoconceal]

holy fuck was that first kingsman sequel nasty.

accurate af, just fuckin nasty.

that whole thing about rounding up all the drug addicts and putting them in amazon state prison quarantine camps and the president's secretary rightfully points out that the norms of american culture have shifted as such that most modern people need some kind of chemical assistance to keep up the pace, like... oh my god.

there are actually horny dumbasses reading this right now that think steroids give you balls instead of shrink em. amazing. you need the needle to counteract all the estrogens in the plastic and the water supply. sap your manhood out and sell it back. think about how hard you were cucked every time you pin, bitch boys. natty supremacy is psychic supremacy. get discipline, learn values. figure out what it means to be a fuckin man.

yeah so, hey -- president's secretary rightfully reminds us -- if you round up all the drug addicts and put them in a Cabin-in-the-Woods-type massive Amazon Storage Locker so they can all die alone, what's gonna happen to your free exploitable labor reserve, huh?

Even secretary was a pill popper. It's like white women love getting hall passes to their drug dealer and that's what a prescription is. Gosh, don't you just love it when you can be naughty and it's state-sanctioned?

then there's the rest of the movie.

the fact that channing tatum is featured prominently in advertisements as an american cowboy agent, but then he's in the movie five seconds before he's quaranteened, and like... elton john is a cameo but he has an extended fight sequence in the climax, and then like....

cowboy pedro pascal is fed into a meat grinder in the retro 50's diner owned by the world's most baked julianne moore, holy fuck.

this sounds like something i'd get high and write as a joke, but it was real and in theaters and i didn't imagine it in some collective psychosis.

fucking amazing.

somehow i feel like this is my fault, but how can that be?

I NEED TO ROUND UP MORE CHAV AND SCALLY LADS AND BRAINWASH THEM INTO PROPER GENTLEMANLY KNIGHTS.

[sickfreaksirkay]

if i had my way the round table would look like this. and charlie brown would be knighted

[cyborgnachte]

A table bereft of Grace.

[justaz]

*merlins magic gets exposed in front of the knights*

merlin, magic user: oh fuck

arthur, finally taking this opportunity to pretend as if he just found out merlin has magic after agonizing for the past month on how to bring it up: you have magic?

lancelot, merlin defender, already knew of merlin’s magic: no! i have magic

gwaine, merlin defender, already knew of merlin’s magic, lover of chaos, ride or die: no, i have magic!

mordred, desperate for his hero’s approval bc no matter what he’s done emrys just stares at him with distrust and the poor boy is tired and so close to tears: no…i have magic.

percival, raised by druids and bonded strongly with mordred over that and does Not agree with the persecution of magic in camelot, had an inkling that merlin had magic but no proof: no. i have magic.

*leon and elyan exchange a look, elyan, amused and leon, exhausted, elyan shrugs*

elyan, knows how much gwen adores merlin and completely understands her stance bc merlin…is merlin, down to clown and put on a show, really playing up the dramatics: no! i have magic.

leon, exhausted, has known of merlin’s magic since he stepped foot in camelot, knows of his feelings for arthur and arthur’s feelings for him, knows arthur knows of merlin’s magic and wouldn’t harm him, thinks everyone is being absolutely ridiculous:

*the knights stare hard at leon and even merlin looks slightly offended at leon not jumping to his defense with the rest of the knights, arthur hasn’t said anything and is staring at leon expectantly*

leon, sighing: …no. i have magic.

[akelafang]

Merlin and the knights playing never have I ever

At first, it's innocent stuff and Gwaine complains that it's all dull trivia and they need to start getting into the more interesting questions. Leon looks him dead in the eyes and says "Fine. Never have I ever been arrested" Literally everyone but Leon drinks.

From that point it becomes a challenge to see who's done the most outrageously criminal shit "Never have I ever been in a bar fight" "Never have I ever committed identity fraud" "Never have I ever broken someone out of the dungeons" "Never have I ever stolen from the royal vaults" "Never have I ever committed treason with the King still in the room" And Merlin. Just. Keeps. Drinking. Now it's about trying to find something Merlin hasn't done but one of the others has. The answer turns out to be "Never have I ever been banished from a kingdom"

Merlin passes out before he runs out of criminal things he's done. Magic is the only reason he's still alive the next morning after how high his blood alcohol level was.

After Merlin passes out the knight just look at each other wondering how Merlin hasn't been executed yet with all the shit he's done. Gwaine chuckles and shakes his head "Perks of being the king's mistress"

[tora-the-cat]

post magic reveal the knights all waiting for Merlin to pretending and 'acting a fool' now that they know his secret, only....he's not. Pretending or acting a fool, that is. They keep expecting him to be a different person then they knew, and he keeps....not doing that. He's still a shit liar, he can not tell an untruth successfully; that's never been in his skill set. He's still a clumsy oaf. Yes, yes, he's God, also can not hold his alchohol. He's objectively inhuman and he'll never stop crying over dead animals. He can do literally whatever he wants, and what he wants is to remain a servant with seven shirts three scarfs and two jackets to his name. This insistance will not stop him from bitching about being hungry or tired or cold, even though technically he doesn't need to eat or sleep or feel tempatures if he doesn't want to.

the knights coming to terms with the dicotomy of 'basically god' and also. 'their little guy'. Like he's their little guy, AND he's basically god.

[ispaintingcalmly]

the bestest goodest boi :”)

[lesbicosmos]

there's an obvious answer

[myths0f01d]

[weirdnotal]

Merlin POV:

This is the crown prince, I'm his servant. He's a loveable dumb ass who I have to save all the time, but at least he's cute I guess. I don't like that I have to lie to him though

Arthur POV:

Uh, this is Merlin... I found in the trash, I can't believe my dad let me keep him, and he's not allowed around weapons cause he keeps accidentally being stabbed???? He also has absolutely no regard for his own life, so I protect him at all costs

[criticalsyourroles]

now i've watched a fair amount of d&d i've started to pick up on the differences between dm style i think

like brennan IS all the bad guys. every game he dms is brennan vs the players. he makes npcs and battles that make his friends throw things at him and he smirks the whole time. he makes them tell him their worst fears and then he makes them do it. and it's awful and amazing and really funny

matt IS exandria. his characters and battles never feel written or constructed, they just feel like things that already existed in the world. it's all about verisimilitude with him, and he's amazing at it. he tends to fade into the background and let the players react to the story and it makes everything he does incredibly cinematic

aabria dms like she's just another player at the table reacting to the story, right up until someone gets lulled into a false sense of security and tries to fool around and THEN she throws a curveball by making them deal with the consequences of their choices. she's like oh you think that's funny?? then i'm about to be hilarious, bitch. and she keeps getting away with it bc she's just that good!

basically, brennan's an evil bastard, matt's the world, and aabria's the queen of consequences

or:

brennan - fuck

matt - around

aabria - find out

[mangedog]

shout out to people with spatial awareness issues. wishing you a "didn't bump into any table corners or walls" day today!

[justaz]

stumbled across that deleted scene of merlin complimenting the knights and forcing arthur into jealous sparring to impress merlin and i just. god. they are so gay. that scene was straight out of a fanfic. since we treat the sigil scene as canon despite it being deleted, i move to motion that we address that scene as canon as well. all in favor, read this post. oh look at that, its unanimous.

[akelafang]

Imagine if Mordred had never turned evil and over the years Merlin's suspicions that Mordred's going to kill Arthur became more of a running joke

Arthur: *knocks Mordred down during training* Merlin: Watch out Sire, he might kill you for that Arthur: *laughs* Oh? I'll make sure to watch my back then Mordred: *rolls his eyes*

Leon: We have reason to believe someone is planning to kill the king. We're searching every room for evidence Merlin: Have you checked Mordred's room yet? Leon: *amused* Not yet but don't worry Merlin, it's on the list Mordred: *sighs*

Arthur: I swear Merlin you'll be the death of me someday Merlin: No I'm pretty sure that's Mordred Mordred: What did I do?!!!

[that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction]

Merlin: ARE YOU-

Gwaine: Fucking

Merlin: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Gwaine: Fucking

Merlin: IDIOT!

Arthur: *looks between Merlin and Gwaine*

Arthur: No. Just no. *walks away*

Merlin: *follows, yelling about Arthur being reckless*

Lancelot: ... What was that?

Gwaine: Princess banned Merlin from swearing, so I'm helping him out.

Leon: Shouldn't you be the one banned from swearing?

Gwaine: Yeah, but princess lost all hope in curing me of that a long time ago. He just wanted Merlin’s rants to be less intimidating.

Merlin, in the distance: Were you born without any self preservation or did you lose it somewhere in that big empty space between your ears?!

Leon: …

Lancelot: I wish him luck. Hell hath no fury like a scorned Merlin.

[ispaintingcalmly]

“The people believe in you Arthur, but it counts for nothing if you don’t believe in yourself” — Merlin

“Merlin should take some of the credit, turns out he’s not always entirely stupid.” — Arthur