#at the end of the tunnel
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i want
i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.
i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.
also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.
and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.
i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.
i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.
and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.
going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!
and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.
so, why all this? why post all these ideas?
Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.
i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.
and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.
i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.
is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.
#at the end of the tunnel#basement life#darkwitch#feral#fight the white man#finding my inner something something#let me consult my cards#nerdgirl power#NoJoMo 2024#these things must be done delicately
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5 years ago, I was in Rehab.
10 years ago, I was watching my Potential and Opportunities dissolve and evaporate in an ocean of cheap gin and expensive whiskey.
But 5 years ago, I was in Rehab.
One of the exercises they had us perform was to imagine ourselves happy, 5 years in the future.
Many of us in that room had forgotten how to imagine nice things happening to them. A few snorted (well, I snorted), finding the notion that we’d even still be around in 5 years grimly humorous.
For about half of us, it was the last stop on the way down.
But I indulged the therapist. I was there, after all, because I did not want to die. So, I imagined myself, 5 years hence.
Happy.
It came to me all at once; an artistic remix on Norman Rockwell’s Freedom From Want, reframed with myself placing food at the table.
Sunday Dinner At My Place, I answered, when it came my turn to share my fantasy. I was asked what food I imagined eating.
It’s not the meal itself, I said, it’s the implications framed around it. Sunday Dinner At My Place means that I have a Place. It means that I have Family that will actually speak to me and friends who actually want to see me. It means money enough not just to feed myself but others too. It means having the time to spare to take the time preparing the meal.
A lot of nodding heads all around me. A struck chord. Many people with no Place, in that place. Nowhere that would lament their leaving.
5 years hence, as I lay down to sleep in my Home, with my Wife and my Son, surrounded by my Art and my Flowers, I reflect.
It was a long road. It was hard. We lost people. So many people. There were long days and long nights and hospital stays. Angry arguments with ghosts. I changed, in ways I never hoped for, or expected. Good ways, finally, for once. Slowly, against the backdrop of a world in chaos, I found my mind.
Sometimes, My Wife wondered aloud, what she did to deserve me. After some stumbling with my feelings, I eventually settled on an answer.
I’m a Rescue.
She gave me a Home.
And, so, I gave her a Family.
It seemed fair
This Sunday, my folks, which whom I have not had a shouting match in years, will come over for dinner. We will cook and eat together. My Friend became My Wife, and she took a piece of me and with it she made Our Son. There will be many hugs, and no violence. Good Things Happened.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t know what the future holds.
don’t give up yet, ok?
It could get good, even.
#troglodyte thoughts#tales from Real Life#cw addiction#cw alcohol#sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train#run#fight#hide#SURVIVE#do not go into the light#there are unpet dogs#and unhugged children#and unseen sunsets#and maybe even love#even for a wretch like me#the best part of your life might be old age#you don’t know
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[Video - IMG_3611]
[The camera is pointed downwards. It doesn’t seem to be an intentional recording. Jack’s boots and Anna’s paws are seen on the bottom of the boat, stepping out onto the beach of the island. Jack pulls the boat ashore, leaving it to walk across the sand towards the forest. There’s some sort of growl from the forest as he approaches.]
[The video cuts off.]
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1.02 // 1.06 // 1.08 The Stranger vs. Sol on recognizing and differentiating Osha and Mae
#the acolyte#theacolyteedit#starwarsedit#osha x qimir#oshamir#osha aniseya#qimir the acolyte#sol the acolyte#star wars#mae aniseya#sometimes i make things#the acolyte dragging me back to fandom and gifmaking#i am not back on tumblr except i am just for this#i have a couple other gif ideas we'll see if i end up making them#there's something about sol's paternalistic attachment to osha leading him to tunnel vision when it comes to her#mae as an extension of osha#mae as the version that went wrong; corrupted;#whereas the stranger recognises and treats them as different people almost right away#and there is something so compelling to that#that even the person who claims to love you (and does love you in his own way) struggles to even recognise you#and will always see you as that little girl on brendok who needs saving#the stranger sees the parts of her that were unwanted; acknowledges her grief and anger and trauma#whereas the jedi and by extension sol saw that as a threat#ANYWAY im done i dont know anything about star wars except that i need this to be renewed asap
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#it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is hell fire#spn#supernatural#castiel#destiel#dean winchester
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(read left to right)
in a dream, on a wave.
#sskk#shin soukoku#akuatsu#ryuunosuke akutagawa#atsushi nakajima#atsushi x akutagawa#bsd#bungou stray dogs#comic#fan comic#bsd comic#bsd fanart#fanart#my art#tried to make something less sad did it work#granted my other ending option was instead of akutagawa waking up in his home#it'd be revealed this was akutagawa fantasizing about a better life right at the moment of his death#like his life flashing before his eyes type thing but a fantasy instead?? yeah#hope this is happier tho#in a dream on a wave i could tunnel underground or i could float away from it ALLLLLLLLLL
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in order to live a happy life, you must romanticize everything (and see a good therapist).
#so i have passed another semester and now I'm on vacations#and im happy to post at this account again and from now onwards I'll post continuously#life is treating me good and i start cherishing small things again#hope you guys are also having good days and if not then trust me after every dark tunnel there's light at the end#dark academia#light academia#excerpts#fragments#poetry#romanticism#spilled thoughts#words#spilled ink#writings#on life#life quotes#therapy#spilled writing#writings on tumblr#soft academia#daily poem#funny post
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see here's the thing about Adar...
MY MAN JUST KEEPS WINNING!!
Sauron at the beginning of the Second Age? STABBED.
Orodruin? ERUPTED.
Eregion? SIEGED.
The Ring of Power? SECURED.
Like ffs, if the elves had just DONE WHAT HE ASKED, my man would have dealt with Ost-in-Edhil's Sauron infestation by LUNCHTIME.
JUST LET HIM COOK.
#this man could singlehandedly fix middle earth with logistics i am convinced#he covertly developed a complex tunnelling system across an entire realm#he stealthily migrated an ENTIRE URUK ARMY halfway across the world complete with a hill troll and massive siege weapons#he has superior strategic knowledge of how to bend nature to meet his ends#adar#rings of power#rings of power spoilers#baddydaddy#i love him so fucking much it is actually insane#dear sauron middle earth doesn't need a king middle earth needs a DAD
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Eyecatch redraw
#pokemon horizons#anipoke#pokemon#orla#orio#metagross#screenshot redraw#this is the light at the end of the tunnel for me#gorgeous beautiful woman and her big scary dog(adorable)#my stuff
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weekly update
i am 106% done for the month, 39% done for the year giving me a C+. ta da? some are up days and some are down days. i need to find a happy middle. i am nervous about my plans for next week. i need help. i need to find help. and i think it’s coming towards me and i really need to work on that harder.
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best BEAST!!
#fanart#Xuanwu#in case it does not show credits: Thank you to Minilisko#And a huge thank you for letting me post this to The Blog <3#The best is real! The details and edits are so on point! What a marvelous creature!!!#There is an innocence to the beast...A porcupine dilemma of being unable to be close without hurting others.#The knife is protection and the knife is isolation. Safety over companionship...#It was just sleeping in cave when the cultivator's showed up. It woke up to arrows and swords!#Did it mean to harm anyone or did it just react to the world around it?#(speaking of the actual beast in mdzs now:) There was a tunnel to leave the cave and it stayed.#Do you ever wonder if the beast found it's way inside but grew to big to leave? If it entered to be safe but ended up trapped?#This is all to say: Hey Madam Lan I think I have a new friend for you. She understands your plight.#Forfeit your worries to the turtle. Let the turtle bring you joy
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artblock = heads facing right (whoops secret reupload as i made some small adjustments to sniper as he looked daft. him/soldier/engie are definitely the toughest mercs for me to draw)
#sorry these are so animationy#tf2 fanart#tf2 sniper#tf2 demoman#tf2#i think im seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but i've done some truly naff drawings this week
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I think I’m back in cell signal. Expect several files that didn’t go through correctly earlier.
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Procrastination doodles of sabo for the king sabo au :)
#one piece#sabo#king sabo au#I wonder sometimes if I keep thinking about this au because i like putting my blorbo through crushing existential nightmares#something something. it must feel so wrong to him. to be born like this and know that he’s not suppose to be there#but not having the memories of times in the wild with his brothers to contextualize why he feels wrong or where he’s supposed to be instead#directionless. knowing that he has to exist for some reason but not the reason that everyone around him tells him he should exist for#and continuing to try to bridge the cognitive dissonance through fallacy after fallacy until he is in too deep to escape#anyways. thinking about Him#Him is the academia mentality of ‘just keep going and you’ll eventually reach the light at the end of the tunnel’#‘because you’ve tried so hard to get here and surely you must belong here because you’re so academically highly-achieving’#does that make sense? maybe the parallel is a bit of a reach. I could write an essay about it tbh#I love this au lmao it’s both a lot of projecting and a great chance to be like ‘god I can make him so much worse’
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Thinking about Hutchins and Harumi I'm so ill. Garmadon Rulez did something to me. He sang her to sleep every night. He took her to libraries so she could research despite her parents disapproving. He gave her that journal to help her cope with her trauma.
He didn't have to do any of this. None of these things were because of his obligation to the royal family really and in fact he sort of went behind their backs taking her to the library of domu (even if it took some convincing). He was the first to suspect her of her plans but didn't tell anyone, not even the ninja when he definitely had a proper chance to. I think he genuinely just cared about her. And that's making me so
#and the worst part is she resented him.#at least in the end#everybody talks about one-sided romantic relationships but what about one-sided familial ones. huh. what about that#what if he loved harumi like she was his own daughter#something tragic in that. that harumi searches for someone to fill that void losing her parents created#and the first person who really honestly cared for her wellbeing like that she pushed away#because she was so tunnel visioned on who she thought could.#and then of course Garmadon. was garmadon. and of course he DIDNT fill that void. idk does this make sense#i might be crazy#ninjago#lego ninjago#lego ninjago harumi#harumi#harumi jade#princess harumi#ninjago harumi#hutchins ninjago#garmadon rulez
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