#at least i have finally convinced myself to eat food. maybe

[nedlittle]

can anyone fucking hear me lol

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

The urge to spend a 100$ on merch before getting my paycheck is so strong. I might not survive soldiers

[enhas-pov]

Hey i was asking if u could make heeseung “My stalker “, can u add like second boy lead like jake so it be more interesting more LIKE ADD JAKE LIKE HES YN’S EX HE CAME BACK SO IT BE MORE INTERESTING LIKE HEESEUNG GETS JEALOUS HELPPP 😭 (sorry if it’s bad idea i sucks at it 😭🙏🏻)

my stalker pt.2

summary: after heeseung successfully kidnapped reader, he practically owns her now. after being stuck in heeseung’s home for a while, he finally lets her go out with him. but what happens when they stumble upon reader’s ex boyfriend, jake?

warnings: unprotected sex, fingering, kidnapping, torture, crying, blood, gore, yandere, obsessive behavior, jealousy issues, (and probably more)

word count: 5.8k

note: thank u for the idea😭 i was stuck on what to make part 2 about, but i hope u like it!! (‼️i’ve also not read through it, so ignore any mistakes‼️)

pt.1

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i don’t know how long he’s held me captive for. i’ve been in here for what feels like years, but it’s probably just been a few days. he’s been coming in and out with food and a change of clothes. i have to change in front of him every time which makes me feel disgusted. he hasn’t told me his name, i don’t know his age, i don’t know how he knows all of these things about me, he’s still a complete stranger in my eyes. if he’s gonna keep me all to himself, i might as well be able to go around freely around his home right? i can’t be stuck in this basement forever. i need to convince him to let me out of here.

“sorry for late dinner. i was busy” he walked in holding a plate filled with food in his hands. he sat down next to me and placed the meal in my lap. he also sits down with me until i’m finished eating, i guess that’s kinda nice of him. in my opinion it’s better than being all alone. “can i ask you something..?” i ask nervously. he hums in response while he looks at me. “can you-“ i pause as i felt scared to ask him to let me out, what if he’ll start going mad? “don’t stop on my account. go on” i felt his hand sliding over my thigh making me even more nervous. “can you let me out of here? ..please” i could feel his eyes on me even tho i had my head lowered. “remember what i told you?” “unfortunately, i can’t trust you yet. you’ll still have to stay down here until i can” “you can trust me. please, i don’t like being here all by myself” i heard him sigh before he got back up on his feet. “sorry pretty. no can do” “but-“ “___.” the sound of his voice when he said my name, it sounded like a warning. i kept quiet as he made his way out, but he stopped at the sound of my voice again. “can i at least take a bath? i feel dirty..” he turned back around and i expected him to start yelling at me for talking again, but he actually agreed to it? “fine.. get up” i quickly stood up and walked over to him. he placed his hand in mine as he lead me out of the basement. the second we walked upstairs my eyes went straight to the windows. finally seeing daylight after being locked up for a few days felt amazing. all though, i couldn’t recognize where we were. i could see a field and that was it. when we reached the bathroom, i didn’t expect him to close the door behind him. was he gonna watch me take a bath? he’s weirder than i thought.. “are you staying?” i asked him. you could hear how nervous i was at the sound of my voice. “uhuh” i watched him cross his arms and lean against the sink. “can’t risk anything. who knows? you could try to drown yourself or maybe even jump out of that window” he said, his finger pointing at the window next to the bathtub. “i wouldn’t do that” did he really think i was gonna try and kill myself? “enough chit chatting. get undressed” he suddenly said. he was still stood watching me, it made me slightly uncomfortable. i didn’t want to get naked in front of him. “could you- can you turn around, please..?” he looked me up and down before slowly turning around, i sighed in relief when he did. i started with removing my top along with my bra and then my sweatpants along with my underwear. i sat myself down in the bathtub and immediately loved the feeling of the warm water against my skin, i had forgotten how much i missed it.

when he heard my body touch the water, he turned back around to face me. i looked up and saw him eyeing my body. he couldn’t see much since i had covered my chest with my hands and closed my legs. it was completely silent, he wasn’t saying anything and neither was i. i wanted to know more about him but i was afraid to ask. should i? the worst thing he can say is no, right? “i never got your name” i say, breaking the silence. he eyes left my body as he was now making eye contact. “why do you wanna know my name, pretty?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. “i’m gonna stay here with you.. right?” he nodded, “that’s the plan” “then, i’d like to know who i’m staying with” how long would i be staying with him for tho? weeks? months? years? “i guess not knowing my name would be kinda weird. since, you know.. you’ll be staying with me forever” forever? i’m gonna be trapped in this hell hole forever? no, i refuse. i don’t even know this guy. he seems like a creep and- “heeseung” huh? “lee heeseung” heeseung. so that’s what his name is. “heeseung.. lee heeseung.. hee.. seung-“ “what are you doing?” he asked by cutting me off. “i just.. you call me pretty a lot and so- i just thought that maybe i’d.. make a nickname for you as well?” i stuttered which made a smile appear on his face. it was softer than usual. “cute” was all he said. “so what’s my nickname?” i went back to thinking of one, “maybe.. seungie?” i heard him chuckle before he shook his head. “do you not like it? i can make up a new one-“ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ “no, no. i like it” i watched him grab a towel and walk towards me with it. he turned his head, looking away from me while he held the towel out for me to grab. i stood up with water dripping from my body as i grabbed the towel out of his hand. i wrapped it around my body and stepped out of the bathtub. i brought my hand up and tapped on his shoulder, signaling for him to turn around. once he did, his eyes didn’t go straight to my body this time. maybe he wasn’t that much of a pervert as i thought. he grabbed my by my hand and walked me out of the bathroom and lead me all the way over to his bedroom. his room was huge, he even had a king sized bed. he handed me a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers. “i should probably get you some new underwear..” he said while scratching the back of his neck. “this is okay for now” i reassured him. “thank you, seungie” he smiled before turning around again so that i could change into the pair of clothes he gave me. i started changing after the towel fell off my body and dropped onto the floor.

“we can try” he said out of nowhere. “what?” i asked, watching him turn around to look at me again. “you can stay up here. you’ll sleep in the same bed as me and you get to walk around the house freely” was he serious? all i wanted was to not be in that basement. i swear i’ve never been happier. “really? thank you-“ i was happy and excited until he suddenly stopped me. he placed his hand at the back of my head and pushed my face closer to his. “if you ever try to run away from me, ___. i’ll lock you in that basement forever. got it?” the fear that i didn’t notice had disappeared came right back at that moment. his words scared me, the way his voice sounded, it made me feel unsafe. i nodded slightly at his words as i was too scared to talk back to him. he smiled, patting my head before he took a few steps back. “i want you to know that i have cameras in every corner of this house, in case you were thinking of running away while i’m gone” the thought of running away actually hadn’t crossed my mind. i wouldn’t try to anyway, i’m too scared of what he’ll do to me. but what did he mean by when he’s gone? “while you’re gone?” i asked him with my eyebrows furrowed. “i usually leave the house everyday to go back to town” i knew it. when i looked out the window i wasn’t familiar with where we were. “how long does it take to get to town?” he looked at me in silence for a while, like he was debating on whether to tell me or not. “about an hour” he says. an hour? he definitely thought this through. even if i planned on escaping, there’s no chance i’d get home to safety in time before heeseung would get to me first. “get in bed. i’ll be right with you” i watched him walk out through the door and i was left alone in his bedroom. i sat myself down on his bed before moving the blanket to the side and pulling it over my body, placing my head down on the pillow after. i think the reason to why heeseung suddenly changed his mind about me not having to stay in the basement, was because i gained a little bit of his trust. if i continue being nice to him and follow his rules maybe there’s a chance i could leave the house one day. maybe i could go back to town and see my mom again, maybe even ningning? i was lost in my thoughts, but brought back quickly when i felt heeseung wrap his arms around my waist. i felt his bare chest against my back and his hot breath fanning over my neck. for some reason, the feeling was comforting. i didn’t feel scared.. i actually felt kinda safe in his arms.

i woke up the next day expecting heeseung to be asleep next to me, but to my surprise he wasn’t. i was confused, but i didn’t stress much about it since i had slept so good. i was sleeping on a hard cold floor for the past few days, finally sleeping in a bed was all i needed. i sat myself up and stretched my arms out in the air. i was about to get up before i noticed a note on the bedside table. did heeseung write it? i reached out, grabbing the note before i started reading it. “i’ve left to go back to town. i’ll be back soon, but in the meantime i expect you to be good. think of it as a test. i’ll be grading you based on the choices you make while i’m gone. i’ve also left something out for you in the kitchen” a test? he’ll be grading me? as long as i don’t try to leave everything will be fine, right? i placed the note back on the bedside table before i got up from bed, making my way over to the kitchen. i stopped in my tracks once i had entered the kitchen. i was surprised at what i saw, pancakes on a plate and a bowl of strawberries with a glass of orange juice. did he really prepare breakfast for me? i smiled before i took a seat and got right into eating. i was starving, so i couldn’t help myself. i mostly spent the rest of the day looking around the house. and i’m not gonna lie, looking through the windows made wanting to escape very tempting, but i didn’t take the chance.

what ___ didn’t know was that heeseung didn’t leave to go back to town, he was sat in his car parked not too far down the road. what was he doing? he was watching her every move through the cameras he had told her about. he wanted to know if he really could trust her, and maybe he actually could. he watched her wake up and eat the breakfast he prepared for her. she walked around the house, looked at a few stuff which didn’t bother heeseung at all. he noticed how she would stop by every window she walked past, and for a second there he thought she was planning on escaping, but she was just stood there looking out the window. he thought she’d at least open it for the fresh air, but she didn’t, and he slowly started gaining more trust for her. what heeseung couldn’t stop thinking about was last night, when ___ fell asleep. his hands would travel up and down her body, god knows how many times. he loved the feeling of his hands against her soft skin. but what heeseung couldn’t stop thinking of the most was when she would rub her ass against his bulge. he’d groan every time she did, but quite enough so he wouldn’t wake her. heeseung wanted to pull his dick out and start fucking her from behind in her sleep right there, but he managed to stop himself from doing so.

i was sat on the couch while some random movie was playing on the tv. i kept on looking at the clock as i watched the time pass by, when will heeseung come back? what a coincidence. right as i was thinking about him, i heard the front door unlock and i saw him walk in. he took his jacket off, placing it on the standing rack before he took his shoes off while i watched him patiently. he walked over to the couch where i was sat, he stood over me and looked down. i looked back up at him which made me kinda nervous since he was just standing there without saying a word. he brought his hand up next to my face and placed a strand of hair behind my ear. i gave him a small smile, he bit his lip in response. “i got you something, since you were a good girl and listened to me” he said and that’s when i noticed he was holding a jewelry box in his other hand. he sat down next to me on the couch before he placed it in my lap. at first, i thought it was the necklace he had given me that i threw away, but to my surprise it wasn’t. the second i opened it i felt tears start forming in my eyes. “how’d you get this..?” it was a necklace of mine that i lost a long time ago. it was from my mom, she gave it to me when i was a little girl and now that i’m seeing it again it’s only making me emotional. “i have my ways” he grabbed the necklace out of the jewelry box, moving my hair to the side before he helped me put it on. “thank you, seungie” my voice cracked due to the fact that i was literally about to start crying, i missed my mom. heeseung noticed i was getting upset and he seemed to actually care. “hey, don’t cry. you’re okay” i felt his hand stroking my thigh. i think he was trying to comfort me? “i want to see my mom..” i lowered my head as tears began rolling down my cheek. i only heard him let out a big sigh. he leaned back against the couch, running his hand through his hair. “___. you know i can’t allow that” he moved his hand away from my thigh and placed it on my back instead. he sat there with his leg bouncing while he was listening to my quiet sobs. “alright. listen, i’ll take you out tomorrow, yeah?” i lifted my head up, turning around to face him. “r-really..?” he cupped my face with both of his hands, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. “anything to make you happy, pretty” i took a moment to admire his features. he wasn’t bad after all, he was pretty attractive i’ll admit. but there was something about him that made me want to just.. without thinking straight, my lips were suddenly on his. i could tell he was shocked but it didn’t take long for him to start kissing me back. my hands were on his chest while his was still cupping my face. i was quick to pull away, why did i do that? “i’m sorry.. i don’t- i don’t know why i did ⠀ ⠀ that..-“ he shook his head at my words. “shh, don’t apologize” he started stroking my hair and i couldn’t help but to feel comfortable with him.

it was the next day and i was extremely excited to finally be able to leave the house. i was wearing the same clothes i wore the day heeseung took me, he had washed them for me to wear and told me he’d get me new clothes, which was nice of him. heeseung also didn’t want to leave during the daytime, he thought it’d be risky so now that it’s dark out we’re finally leaving. “you ready?” he asked me. “mhm!” he took my hand, leading me out through the front door. the second the fresh air hit me, i felt like i was alive again. he walked me to his car and opened the door for me. i got in, put my seatbelt on and so did he. heeseung was right, we had been driving for almost an hour now and during the whole ride the only thing i saw out the window were fields. i closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the seat “how long until we get there?” i asked him. “open your eyes, pretty” when i opened my eyes i looked around to see that we were finally back in town, i swear i had just closed my eyes a second ago. i wasn’t surprised when i barley saw anyone, it was late at night after all. he stopped by a convenience store before he parked the car. i was about to take my seatbelt off before he stopped me. “did i say you could get out of the car?” he said, his hand grabbing my hand that attempted to unbuckle the seatbelt. “i just thought that-“ “you’re lucky i even let you come all the way out here with me, i thought you appreciated it?” he raised his eyebrows at me, cocking his head to the side. “no, i do- i appreciate it..” i removed my hand from the seatbelt, leaning back into my seat. “good. stay here until i get back, got it?” he gripped at my chin which forced me to look at him eye to eye. i gave him a nod before he let go and got out of the car. i watched him walk into the convenience store as i was sat waiting for him to get back. was he at least gonna get me something? i should’ve asked for chocolate milk.. actually, i haven’t had sprite in a while- “___?” i jumped at the sound of knocking on the car window right next to me. who was that?

i cursed to myself when i took a closer look at the guy standing outside of heeseung’s car. “fuck.. is that jake?” jake is my ex boyfriend, i dated him for 1 year before he broke up with me. i’m not sure why he did.. i kept on waving my hand for him to leave, i didn’t want heeseung to see him trying to talk to me. “go away!” i whisper yelled at him. “what?” this guy i swear to god. i opened the door which accidentally hit him in his forehead. i closed the door behind me once i had gotten out of the car, jake mumbled an “ouch” while rubbing his forehead. “i told you to go away! are you deaf?” i tried to be quiet knowing heeseung could come out of the convenience store any second now. “where have you been? everyone’s been looking for you. i was worried” he was? i expected people to be looking for me, but i didn’t think he’d be worried about me. “i was-“ “___. i told you to stay in the car, didn’t i?” shit.. the sound of heeseung’s voice came from behind me. i felt his chest against my back as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “jake” he said. “heeseung..” do they know each other or something? “so, you left town to be with heeseung..?” jake asked me. he looked confused and weirded out, which i didn’t understand why. “i-“ i felt heeseung squeeze my hip, i don’t think he wants me to talk.. “mind your business, sim” heeseung said glaring at him. “she can talk for herself” jake said glaring right back at heeseung. what was happening? “___. let me take you home” he attempted to grab me by my arm, but heeseung slapped his hand away. “don’t fucking touch her” he warned him. “she’s not your bitch man. come on-“ the second time heeseung tried grabbing my arm, heeseung pushed me to the side and unexpectedly he threw a punch at jake. i gasped at the sudden attack, why would he do that? “heeseung!” jake was already on the ground after the first punch, it didn’t help when heeseung kept on punching him repeatedly. “please stop! seungie..?” he stopped with his fist in the air, looking down at jake. “get in the car” he growled. “but-“ he got up so fast i didn’t even have the time to process it. he grabbed me harshly by my arms and looked me dead in the eye. “i said, get in the fucking car. now” the grip he had on my arms were so strong that i thought it’d leave a bruise. without saying a word, i opened the car door and got in quickly. my heart was racing at the way he had me so scared. i heard him open the trunk, and when i looked out the window i noticed how jake’s body was gone. was heeseung..? oh god. jake wasn’t dead was he? why else would heeseung place him in the trunk? i should’ve never opened the door for jake, this is all my fault. i flinched when heeseung slammed the door open, getting in the car before slamming the door shut again. “you’re gonna fucking regret this” he mumbled loud enough for me to hear. what did he mean by that..?

“please- seungie- i’m sorry.. i didn’t mean to-“ i whimpered when my body hit the cold hard floor. i was back in the basement again, this wasn’t that i wanted. i didn’t even say anything to jake about heeseung, i didn’t even get the chance to tell him anything at all. heeseung took a good look at me before he slammed the door shut, locking me inside. i was all by myself and i hated it, there’s no way i’d gain his trust again. i felt my eyes slowly start closing by themselves, and before i knew it i was out of it.

meanwhile, heeseung had jake tied up in a chair while he was torturing him. heeseung hated jake. they used to be best friends, and jake knew about heeseung’s big crush on ___, but that didn’t stop him from dating her. all heeseung felt was rage, he wanted to just kill jake, but that would be too easy. he watched blood drip down his body as he cut him up. jake’s screams were muffled by the tape covering his mouth. “i told you to stay away from her. she’s mine” heeseung said, leaning down near jake’s tear stained face. “i’m gonna make this worse than death for you”

“wake up pretty..” huh? i struggled to open my eyes, had i just passed out? my back was hurting a lot, and so was the back of my head. when i finally opened my eyes, i saw heeseung towering over me. i reacted and sat up quickly, moving away from him. “don’t tell me you’re scared of me again. i thought you had warmed up to me? you know, since you kissed me and all” he said, crouching down in front of me. “w-what did you do.. to jake..?” i asked him, barley even able to get my words out properly. “what did i do to jake.. i don’t know. would you like to see for yourself?” he reached his hand out for me to grab as he smiled creepily down at me. i wanted to know if jake was okay, so i placed my shaky hand in his, letting him help me up and lead me out of the basement. he brought me to this room i had never seen before, i wonder how i missed it. he paused in front of the closed door before he turned to me. “i can tell you’re scared already, and i wouldn’t want to scare you even more. prepare yourself for what you’re about to see, pretty” i furrowed my eyebrows, watching him slowly open the door. heeseung let me walk in first, and the second i stepped foot in that room i looked back right away. i covered my mouth in disgust at what i had just seen. “oh my fucking god..” i mumbled to myself. heeseung ran his hands up and down my back as i practically hid my face in his chest. “told you” he said. “look at him again” he leaned down and whispered in my ear. i shook my head, feeling like i was about to throw up. “i can’t.. i- i feel sick” i said with my face still hid in his chest. “you feel sick?” he chuckled. there was blood everywhere. jake had been cut up and his wounds were so bad and graphic it made me sick to my stomach. “please.. seungie- he needs to go to a hospital” i said, looking up at heeseung who was already looking down at me. “you mean to tell me that you want him to live? after he dumped you? after he stole you from me?” he was getting angry, i could tell. “no- just, please.. i won’t do anything like that ever again, i promise. i don’t need to leave the house, i can stay in the basement, just don’t let him die- please, seungie. i don’t care because it’s jake-“ “then why do you care?” i didn’t even know what i was saying, i just kept on begging and begging without thinking. “if he dies then.. it’ll be in your hands. i don’t want them to take you away from me..” did i really mean that? i don’t know. i just needed jake to get out of here and go to a hospital. heeseung didn’t say anything, he just looked at me like he was processing what i had just said. he walked past me and made his way over to jake. i wanted to look back, but i didn’t want to see jake again. “if you tell anyone about this. i will find you and fucking kill you” i heard heeseung tell him. “pretty, will you leave the room for just a second?” he didn’t have to ask me twice, i left the room as fast as i could, leaving heeseung and jake alone. was he gonna let jake go? was he gonna kill him? was he gonna continue torturing him? i didn’t know what to think.

it had been about 30 minutes and i was anxiously sitting on heeseung’s bed. i kept on bouncing my leg as i waited and waited until i finally heard the door opening. “seungie..?” he started walking my towards me and i noticed how he had blood on his hands and his shirt. he didn’t kill jake.. did he? shit shit shit. “i did what you asked for” wait, what? “you let him go..?” he simply just nodded. i let out a sigh in relief, thank god. but wait- “you’re not gonna leave the house and you’ll stay in the basement, yeah? that’s what you promised” maybe i shouldn’t have said exactly that.. i really didn’t like being in that basement. and i’d like to leave the house once in a while, i can’t be locked up in here forever. “i know..” i said, still sat on his bed. “get up then” he took a step forward so he was stood in between my legs. “i- i wanted to sleep with you..” i slowly looked up at him and saw a smirk on his lips. “alright. i’ll let you sleep with me, but i need something from you first” he pressed my back onto the bed before he leaned down, hovering over me. his face was dangerously close to mine, and before i knew it he had smashed his lips onto mine. forget passionately, he was being really aggressive with me. i think it’s because he was still mad.

his hands travelled to the ends of my top before pulling it over my head. he unclipped my bra fast and threw it away somewhere on the floor. his hand instantly went to one of my breasts, squeezing it and rubbing my nipple with his thumb. he wrapped his mouth around my other nipple, swirling his tongue around before he bit down on it making me whimper, and he groaned when i did. his hand left my breast and instead went down to the hem of my skirt before pulling it down along with my panties, he was quick with it. i looked down to see him unbuckling his belt which made me nervous. this was gonna be my first time, and he wasn’t being very gentle. he lowered his sweatpants together with boxers revealing his huge dick that was red with pre-cum. my eyes widened at the sight of it, i wasn’t sure if i could take that, it looks like it would hurt a lot. “seungie..” “shh. don’t worry, pretty. i’ll make you feel good” he shushed me and placed a kiss on my lips. not knowing how any of this works, i thought he was gonna get right into it, but i was confused when i felt his fingers going up and down my slit. “shit.. you’re soaked. is all of this for me? hm?” i let out a “mhm” which sounded exactly like a moan. i gasped when he slipped in not one finger, but two at the same time. i arched my back and moaned when he started pumping his fingers in and out of me. “can’t even take my fingers..” he scoffed. i felt him curl his fingers as his movements started growing faster. while he was busy fingering me, he went down to kiss me again. i whined into his mouth when he slipped his tongue past my lips. i tried pulling away, i don’t know why, but it resulted in him grabbing me by my chin, forcing me to kiss him back. when i felt the heat growing in my stomach, i managed to pull away from the kiss. “i’m gonna cum..-“ he was quick to pull his fingers out of me the second i told him i was about to release. “not yet, pretty. need you to cum around my cock” he repositioned us, placing me down on his lap. he placed his arms on my waist and that’s when i remembered the blood he had on his hands. did he just finger me with jake’s blood on his fingers. i looked down at myself to see how he had smeared his blood over my chest, waist and pussy. i felt disgusted and dirty, but heeseung didn’t seem to care.

“look at me” he said, tapping his finger under my chin. when i looked up at him i suddenly felt his tip pressing at my entrance. his grip on my waist tightened, “you ready?” i nodded even tho i definitely wasn’t ready. “this might hurt, but you’ll be okay” i swallowed nervously before i felt him slowly pushing my hips down on his hardened length. i squeezed my eyes shut at the feeling, it was burning. i gripped onto his shoulders as my walls tightened around him. “almost there.. you’re doing so good” he whispered into my ear. god, i felt so full and he wasn’t even all the way in yet. it was definitely too much, i couldn’t handle it. “there we go. good girl” he said pressing a kiss to my cheek. i was fully sat down on his cock and he was big, way too big. “seungie, you’re too b-big..” i whimpered, hiding my face in the crook of his neck. “i know. i’ll make you feel good, yeah?” he lifted me up slowly allowing me to adjust to the overwhelming feeling. he pushed me all the way back down letting a loud moan escape from my mouth. he started bouncing me up and down, his fingers digging into my hips hard enough to bruise. he threw his head back in a groan as he snapped his hips up to meet mine. “a-ah.. seungie.. t-too much” the pain was completely gone, all i could feel was pleasure. “shit. take it” i heard him curse under his breath. he slams me down harder making all of it too much for me to handle. i bit down on his shoulder and he didn’t seem to mind, considering how he let out a moan when i did. “gonna fill you up and- shit.. so fucking tight” once again, i felt the heat growing in my stomach. the both of us let out loud pornographic moans as we both finish at the same time. i felt his warm cum filling me up, painting my insides white as i came around his cock. he pulls me in closer and places a kiss on my forehead when i tremble around him. my face still hid in his neck as i catch my breath, i feel him grab me by my chin forcing me to look at him. “you did so good, pretty” he pulled me in for a kiss, this time it was slow and passionate. with me still on top of him, sat on his cock as his cum slowly spills out of me, he lays down pulling the blanket over us. “get some rest now, okay?” i hum, placing a kiss on his neck before i drift off to sleep.

[jimblejamblewritings]

the fake date plot | part 6.

Summary: Gryffindors, seventh years, classmates, unrequited love. Just a few things Y/N and James Potter had in common. When a brilliantly dumb plan is hatched the two end up getting something a little different than what they wanted.

Warnings for the Series: oh, this is a slowburn now. Or at least that's the plan.

Pairing: James Potter x reader

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: yeah I know I've been gone for a year... I have no words, my bad

Previous Part | (Series Chapter List)

James came down with the rest of the marauders to find you had already fixed a big plate of breakfast for him. He gave you a peck on the cheek as he took off his quidditch jumper before sitting down. 

“Thanks, bug.”  

“Why do you call me that?” you asked, taking a bite of your English muffin. 

“Do you not like it? I can call you something else.” 

“No, I like it. I was just wondering why.” 

James shrugged. “Never thought about it… You’re cute and little, some bugs are cute and little. Yep, makes sense.” 

“I’m not little.” 

“You’re littler than me. It counts.” 

“You’re freakishly tall.” 

“Remus is freakishly tall.” 

“So are you.” You popped a fried potato chunk in your mouth. 

“Just accept it, bug.” 

You went back to your breakfast, deciding his answer and little argument was satisfactory enough for you. James nudged you with his shoulder, beginning a mini battle between the two of you until he finally conceded. It was still a learning process for the two of you, trying to figure out how to play up your fake dating. Your friends were definitely suspicious and while Lily seemed to move a bit closer, Xeno didn’t even glance your way. 

You were worried that maybe you and James were switching places in regards to the objects of your affection. You felt something squeeze your thigh ever so slightly and looked over to see James was seemingly in conversation with Peter. He must’ve caught you staring too long at the Ravenclaw table and a certain someone. 

Shaking your head, you went back to eating. That’s right. You were with James and you two needed to be sickeningly in love. Besides, Lily was coming around so maybe Xeno was just distracted right now. You opened up your journal to jot down a few notes. A looming presence hung over your right shoulder. 

“Yes, Jamie?” you asked without looking up. 

“I’m just looking at your calendar.” He pointed to a blank Wednesday. “Quill in a study date, right when classes end.” 

“Study? James Potter, when have you ever studied anything that wasn’t Charms and Defense?” 

“Well, do you really need to study wand lore or broom craft? And does memorizing a whole script count as studying?” 

“It does when you’re in a drama club. And if I can’t become an actress then I need to feed myself so I’m learning to make quidditch equipment. You idiots break at least two brooms every week each, not to mention the other stuff. I’ll never have to worry about money.” 

“You’re learning about quidditch?” 

You finally looked up, recognizing the shift in James’ tone from when you two were acting for your friends versus being genuine. Giving your fake boyfriend a smile, you stole some food off his plate. 

“It’s not because you like it. It’s because you, especially, are rich and will buy my brooms and convince all your teammates to buy my brooms.” 

He laughed so loud it made students at the other houses’ tables, including Xeno, look over. James squished your cheeks and gave you a peck. 

“I should have known you were only with me for my money. Well, I hate to inform you, love, I’ve just squandered the family fortune on flying carpets.” 

You rolled your eyes. “How do you have a cute comeback for everything?” 

“You think it’s cute?” 

You stood up from the table. “You are the cutest, Jamie. The most adorable scrumdiddlyumptious squishy-wishy super-duper boyfriend in the whole world.” 

“I sense I’m being teased.” 

“I would never tease you, Jamie bo-baimey taimey waimey rai—” 

“Ha ha, very funny. Now you deserve the punishment jumper.” 

“Punishment jumper? What am I, five years old?” Your words were muffled by a red jumper covering your face before your head popped out the other side. You looked down. “You just wanted me to wear your jumper.” 

James blushed and you wanted to laugh. Natural blush wasn’t easy with fake dating but the two of you figured out a relatively uncomfortable trick if the two of you weren’t on the same page. You were allowed to picture Xeno whenever you wanted and James was allowed to picture Lily. He was totally imagining her in his jumper— it probably helped that you and Lily were the same height and body type so the jumper fit exactly like it would on her. 

Your fake boyfriend scratched the back of his head. “Some of the team was talking about how they like seeing their partner in their jumpers and I wanted to know what that was like.” 

“And?” 

“Don’t know yet, it just looks like I dropped it on you.” 

“That’s cause you did drop it on me. Wait, let me fix it.” 

You pulled out the collar and untucked your shirt so the tails were sticking out. The sweater almost covered your skirt entirely since it was already oversized on James that you weren’t sure if you’d get a violation or not but you didn’t try to adjust it. You gave a little twirl. 

“Tada.” 

“You look great.”    

Leaning over James, who covered your skirt with his hands to make sure nothing showed, you collected your stuff. “I’ll see you later, okay? Marls, are you coming with me to Herbology or still eating?” 

Marlene tried to recover from getting caught staring, mouth open, at you and James. She shook her head no and you made your way out of the Great Hall to head to Herbology. James left only five minutes after you in order to give your friends space to gossip in peace. 

The two of you were counting on Sirius and Mary to get louder by the minute until it garnered everyone’s attention. You were sure it worked when Alice came into the greenhouse practically squealing at you. You and James were the hottest topic in school. All you could do was roll your eyes and keep taking notes as Alice started planning your entire future together. You turned to look at your friend. James wouldn’t hate you for telling one person. You both had planned to tell your closest friends when the time was right and you couldn’t take keeping a secret anymore. 

“Hey, Alice. Me and Jam—” 

The door to the greenhouse swung open but it was Professor Sprout that came in. It was James standing in the threshold. 

“Your birthday is this weekend,” he said, pointing an accusatory finger. 

“Yes, James.” 

“Bug, you didn’t say what you wanted for your birthday.” 

“I’m okay.” 

“What?” His eyebrows crinkled together. “You don’t want anything?” 

“It’s not that big a deal.” 

“Birthdays are a completely big deal.” 

“Well… I just don’t want anybody spending too much on me this year. My parents and I are saving up for university… if there is a university.” 

It was an unspoken thing that no student might make it to university when the war was ramping up. If Voldemort and the Death Eaters got bigger, a draft was likely to happen. And unlike muggles, men and women were drafted in the wizarding world since all the fighting was done with magic and didn’t require any strength outside of mental. James shook his head. 

“That’s an even better reason to give you something. It won’t be large, I promise.” 

“Small things can still be very expensive.” 

“Honestly, I’ve never looked at a price tag in my life.” 

You sighed. “You and Sirius live totally different lives from the rest of us, I wish I had rich parents… Okay, I concede. If it isn’t big then it can be whatever you want.” 

“Good. I have to go now before Slughorn loses his mind that I’m not there or worse pairs me up with Snape as a punishment.”   

(part 7...)

THIS TAGLIST:

@starsval @helloitsmeeeeeee @callsigndiamond @isabela30 @rachelccollier @ghostkingblake @b3t0xic @tendous-pretty-hair @caelum-the-part-time-nihilist @superduckmilkshake @sendnuwudes @prongsprincessworld @slightlynotslightlyobsessing @wildernessflora @siriuslycaptainofthedawntreader @mommymilkerfanclub @amandachrystinallc @lupinsbookshelf @harrysgoldenwatermelon @loving-and-dreaming @that-simp-sin @bubybubsters @peachesgaeass @jellyfishlioncrab @cenkisabibl

PERMANENT TAGLIST:

@venomsvl @peaches-n-sunscreen @summerellaz @supernaturallover2002 @sambucky8 @9daykrisr @thebitchinleo @23victoria @scarlets-widow @pagetpagetpagetpaget @lovexnatasha @awesomebooklover17 @1234-angelika @imatrisk @blackreaderatrisk @princess-jules47 @alexloveskili @a-marie-a @siriuslysirius1107​ @i-have-no-life-charlie

[saiintvalentiine]

okay. sorry saiint for spamming your inbox but i am now actually considering horace x wifies. i think theyd actually be cute... could you write horace building something for wifies for free out of his own will this time because he thinks hes cute... this will be my last request i prommy... maybe

i cant keep defending myself against the "makes my mutuals ship weird shit" allegations..............

Word count: 592

Wifies does, in fact, feel incredibly bad for Horace and the builders. The whole payment thing is kind of. . . He’s not sure what to do about that, though. Parrot isn’t easy to convince, even when it’s Wifies doing the convincing, and they really don’t have much of anything right now. There is, though, one thing Wifies can do at least kind of effectively, and that’s baking really good treats. Ken skimmed off the top of this batch of stuffed croissants, but it should still be enough for the whole team. They’re working on the northern side of the island when Wifies finally finds them.

Horace is an easy form to spot, standing on top of a quartz support beam. He lands a few blocks away on the ground level and waves at Horace.

“Hey!”

Horace sees him and waves back, Elytra wings spreading as he hops down.

“Hey, it’s been a minute!”

“It has, sorry about that.”

Wifies digs a shulkerbox out of his inventory and places it down between them with a smile.

“I made ham and cheese stuffed croissants.”

Horace takes two before calling over the rest of his builders, who descend upon the shulkerbox like vultures. Golden carrots are great for healing, but nothing beats actual food in terms of taste.

“Actually, I wanted to show you something,” Horace says around a mouthful. “You got a minute?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

It’s difficult to not start worrying immediately. Horace finishes eating and waves Wifies down a paved path that weaves between buildings and courtyards and flowering trees that shiver with the void cold.

“So I noticed you don’t really like the color palette,” Horace says, scratching his jaw absently.

“I do like it,” Wifies says automatically. “It’s pretty. Regal.”

“White and blue isn’t for everyone.”

“Really, I like it!”

He’s more of a warm, jewel toned guy, but that’s neither here nor there. He’s left everything in regards to the building in Horace’s capable hands, and everything does look wonderful.

“Regardless, I wanted to show you this.”

The stop in front of a building that looks all the same to Wifies. It’s white with a blue roof, but the door is spruce strangely enough.

“Go in.”

Wifies doesn’t get the feeling that this is some kind of trap, but he slides a totem into his hand subtly as he pushes the door open. Nothing happens— of course nothing happens, duh— but he’s surprised by the inside decor. The whole room is warm with candles and lanterns, floor padded with deep violet carpets and walls lined with spruce planks.

“What?” he says dumbly.

“Come on now, enter properly.”

So he does, slipping the totem back into his inventory as he steps in. There's not a lot of space inside, but there’s a kitchen on one end and something like a couch-bed hybrid on the other end. Horace taps the lid of a stack of barrels lightly and grins.

“I wasn’t going to let you be miserable in a Civ I’m building,” he says as Wifies pokes around. “You’re way too nice. So I bothered Ken into telling me what you like.”

“Why not ask Parrot?” Wifies asks, picking up a black pillow and squeezing it.

Horace doesn’t answer. Instead he asks, “Do you like it?”

“I do. Thank you.”

Wifies turns to smile at him, hugging the pillow a little. Horace looks proud, practically preening on the spot.

“Did you just want easy access to my food?” Wifies teases.

“No! I’m chivalrous. I have good intentions.”

Wifies snorts but believes him anyway.

[thegreenhordes]

Survivor Diaries - A Mare and Her Monster

[Now that this installment is finished, I will be posting a Mimic guide next week, and will be starting to work on the next post to bring focus back to Null and Penny. More Survivor Diaries will be posted more sporadically as a result.]

It's been a few months since I started noticing Midnight's increasing docile behavior, and things have only gotten stranger since. Everything we know about infected is kind of up in the air now- one of the basic understood facts was that infected ponies have an instinctual drive to attack, eat, and spread The Glow. This seems to be somewhat true for Midnight's Type, but unlike other infected Types, Midnight is 'tameable'. Their behavior is really similar to a feral dog that's being reintroduced to domestic living. Growlers are mindless, living husks that exist on pure instinct. Once they reach the final stage they're like rabid animals. Watchers are intelligent hunters and, according to the Princess's research- what she provides to the public at least- states they may even still be 'aware' or at least possess intelligence on the level of a healthy pony. As far as I know, neither Growlers or Watchers are peaceful in any way, just violent and ravenous through and through. Midnight, though? Midnight is just an animal. A pony like me, once, but just an animal now. A scared animal, who expresses pain with every movement. Their limbs are so distorted because they're broken- and some kind of magic has extended them to an absurd length. I think Midnight trusts me? As much as any wild animal you feed and care for can. I mean, Moon and Sun, they followed me to my camp and just kind of... settled into the house I'm sleeping on the roof of. No signs of aggression, toward me or the rare few survivors that have passed through. It's so bizarre. I've decided something. I'm going to find some way to get this journal to the Princess. Thistle Whistle found me yesterday, and what she said is what brought me to contemplate everything. At first she tried convincing me to come 'home'. But I shut that down fast. Then she told me how she'd seen Midnight, seen me interacting with them, and for a while considered telling somepony. She was just as afraid as I was at first of what she'd seen though, and froze up just the same. I don't blame her, though the both of us keeping quiet about something like this has been massively stupid. Who knows how many non-tamed, hungry Midnights are out there? They're a dangerous capable hunter, and I fear our silence might have lead to unnecessary deaths. She then proceeded to tell me the main reason she came to talk to me. Apparently the Princess was bitten by something not unlike Midnight a short while ago. She's been quarantined for around two weeks, not showing any visible signs of infection. Thistle says she caught a glimpse of Nurse Redheart's corpse while performing Janitor duties in the morgue- poor mare, she was a kind pony. The description of what she looked like is spot on for Midnight's own strange anatomy. So, that confirms that Midnight isn't an anomaly. I asked Thistle to take this journal to the Princess as soon as possible, but that I'd be leaving Ponyville. I'm more capable of survival than I thought, for fuck's sake I tamed an infected monster! That, I think, is impressive all things considered. So I'm going to take things a step further and... travel, I guess. I already have a blackout tent for Midnight to hide in, a platform I can attach to trees for myself to sleep in. Plenty of food, water, weapons. Even if I die, I mean... I don't know. This is all still very strange. I haven't had nightmares about Rose Luck or her death in a long while now. Maybe she's forgiven me, maybe I've forgiven myself. I'm going to give this journal to Thistle now, she's waiting on another roof and watching Midnight. I hear them chattering at her in that inquisitive tone I learned they have. Curiosity. An infected that feels curiosity, huh.

[jaozendry]

Robby Keene x M!Reader: Friendship

Pairing: Robby Keene x M!Reader

PART 1

Warnings: mentions of bullying and homophobia

Summary: In an attempt to defend yourself against your bullies, but also to grow closer to Robby, you finally decide to join Cobra Kai. However, a chance encounter with Robby occurs during your night shift.

______________________________________________________________

Your heart skipped a beat when you recognized the address this meal was supposed to be delivered to: Cobra Kai dojo.

You've been thinking long and hard about joining Cobra Kai after meeting Robby, more than you've ever been. Maybe meeting him finally convinced you to learn karate to defend yourself. But also, the bullying's been way worse during these last couple of weeks. You're not even sure if you're allowed to leave your apartment to go to school anymore. You've been struggling more than ever after being kicked out of the house by your homophobic parents. Now, you have to deal with your neighbours and being bullied all over the place. They need to pay, you need revenge. You're done running away, but for now, this meal still has to be delivered.

You enter the dojo, slightly shaking, your head filled with anxiety. What if it's Robby? Can you face him after all this time? What if he forgot about you? You continue slowly walking into the dojo when you spy a silhouette coming from the changing room. Robby appears before you, drenched in sweat, a towel on his shoulder. You look at him up and down, shocked at his seemingly perfect physique before meeting his kind gaze. He smiles.

"I didn't know you were a delivery guy." he says, crossing his arms, still smiling like an angel.

"Yeah, I... uh... sorry, here's your meal. That'll be 20 dollars."

He opens his wallet, frowning when he realizes he's just a few dollars short.

"Ugh, sorry, I'm just a few dollars short. I got here a few weeks ago when you dropped me off, so I barely have any money. I still didn't pay my part of the rent. Sorry."

You smile to him in an understanding manner, opening your wallet.

"You know what, that one's on me."

"You don't have to-" he replies before you kindly cut him off.

"It's okay, Robby. It's all good." you say, lending him his meal.

He laughs awkwardly and picks up the bag.

"Thanks, Y/N. How about you eat it with me? My sensei isn't coming back until tomorrow, and I do owe you something."

You check your phone and realize your shift ended a while ago.

"Yeah, sure, gladly." you reply awkwardly, smiling like an idiot. "I'm just gonna go nextdoor to get something to eat for myself."

Robby immediately heads for the door upon hearing those words, checking his wallet on the way.

"My treat." You were about to respond before he cuts you off, smiling. "You literally paid for my meal, I'm gonna pay for yours, unless you want to starve while looking at me eat?" he adds jokingly. You nod, still smiling and joining him.

______________________________________________________________

Robby and you laughed like your lives depended on it that night. Sitting on the floor while eating, talking about your life stories and experiences. You truly felt like he appreciated you, at least as a friend. All of your worries drifted away. At one point, the subject got deep. That's when you learned about his dad and how exactly he ended up in juvie. You learned about his girlfriend cheating on him while he was locked up, the fight at the high-school and how he got into karate. All of these stories gave you the courage to join Cobra Kai.

"So, that's basically how I got into karate, and also Cobra Kai. I want to get back at Mr. LaRusso and everyone who did me wrong. "He takes a bite out of the food he ordered before sighing.

"Sorry for complaining about all of this, you must be annoyed." You shake your head, reassuring him that you're invested in his stories.

"You know, I've been thinking about joining Cobra Kai myself. I also want to get back at people who did wrong to me, too." You zone out for a bit, wondering if you should tell Robby about your sexual orientation. Will he reject you? Will he end up like everyone else you know, or is he different?

"Oh yeah? What did they do?" he asks, invested in what you have to say. You look at the ground, still wondering and thinking. He clearly notices and reassures you.

"It's okay, Y/N. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. We'll talk about it when you're ready." he says, putting his hand on your shoulder.

"Thanks." you whisper, meeting his gaze for a few seconds.

"Also, I wanted to ask you something. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Can you train me? Can I join Cobra Kai?"

[chubbiekookie]

we all know “can’t live without changbin” right? well, han’s lyrics especially interest me, when he mentions how changbin used to order takeout every night and how his chin has gotten smaller. along with him losing weight and losing his roots. it honestly gives me a really good idea for 3racha! changbin has been losing weight and working out, but maybe both chan and han notice that he’s miserable limiting himself. i could see maybe han ordering some bulking powder to help changbin, and being under the impression that he could go back to eating how he used to as long as he uses the powder? (gymracha are himbos in this 🫣) meanwhile chan is concerned for bin’s mental state, so he hides the scale and scribbles out the calories of most of their snacks and foods in the dorms. queue changbin being convinced by han to eat how he used to on top of this bulking powder, and he starts gaining the weight back, along with much more? chan and han are both loving it, but at some point they’re concerned changbin hasn’t acknowledged how big he’s gotten, so they finally tell him what they’ve been doing. bin just shrugs it off, maybe saying something like “i noticed after the first month. han’s bulking powder idea didn’t make sense, and chan marked all my favorite junk foods the most. but i thought to myself, if they were doing all of this to try and make me happy, then i should enjoy it.” queue cute and fluffy 3racha with chan and han spoiling their favorite dwaekki so he stays big 🤭🥰

Oh my gosh yes I will shamelessly admit that I read this ask at least three times. YOUR MINDDD.

I can just imagine poor Binnie only living off of chicken breast and plain salad or something in an attempt to slim down a little bit cause maybe some insecurities have gotten the best of him. And it makes Chan and Jisung so sad, they just want their happy, squishy Bin back. And they go through all their "secretive" attempts to get him back to where he was, but Changbin catches on quite easily after he picks up the patterns. They aren't subtle really. He's not mad when he notices, just a little confused like "why are they trying to stop me..?" But then he sees the way Chan’s eyes light up when he reaches for a package of cookies he hasn't touched in a bit and the way that Han's round cheeks turn pink when he eats a little extra at dinner and he's like ohh I get it now. And seeing how they react to him eating more and gaining weight back makes all his insecurities vanish. So he kind of just does a deep dive into indulgence, maybe a little more than they intended for him to do originally, but once he starts it's hard to stop. He definitely isn't oblivious to how much weight he's putting on, going from being muscular with just a bit of softness in his cheeks and around his torso to having a proper double chin and a sweet little belly and love handles that push over his waistbands. And he even kind of enjoys it, feels more comfortable this way, especially with how Chan and Jisung look at him with such adoration. Once again thinking they're being subtle, but no, their heart eyes are so obvious. His silly boys. He wonders how long it will take for them to bring up how big he's gotten and to admit their scheming.

They finally do after a good few months go by and Bin has had to get another size up in clothing cause some of his pants weren't fitting and all his shirts were tight across his round middle. They probably look so guilty as they as him to talk, glancing back and forth between each other, and at first Binnie worries maybe he took it too far, maybe they regret this. But they are still so oblivious to everything, Chan starting like, "Binnie I'm really sorry, we should've told you this from the beginning but we've...we've been trying to get you to go back to eating more. And to get you to gain weight. And you've..." a blushing mess, gesturing to Changbin’s now chubby body. "...gotten big, and we never even thought to ask how you felt about it. Maybe you wanted to be skinny before and we just... We just thought it was time you know."

Jisung being quick to be like "You look so good though! Like soooo good. Like just—wow" and Bin just blushes as he continues, "but we're sorry we kept this from you!"

Changbin just kind of laughs cause like they really thought they were being so subtle. And they're so shocked that he knew this whole time because what??? You didn't seem to notice! But after they discuss some more and everything is out in the open they all decide they're very happy with this turn of events.

And YES so much pampering omg, making sure he never skips meals, always has a snack (or two) to take with him to the gym, and also making sure they have snacks on them whenever they're in the studio together so he can just munch on junk food throughout work. At dinner they insist he has seconds and thirds and maybe dessert too, and when he whines about them overfeeding him they're immediately on him rubbing his sore tummy and giving him kisses. When his clothes get too tight again and they notice they're immediately insisting he just put on comfy pants and "Oh don't worry binnie we'll get you some new jeans" cause they want his tummy to be perfectly comfortable <3 and honestly he's never felt more comfortable or doted on in his whole life and he loves it. The more Binnie there is to love the better <3

[splendidbadger]

Trauma/Child abuse mention

That trauma post made me think of how I got really blunt about my childhood to my friend once. Basically we went to see the FNAF movie while my father was in the hospital because I’m at the point I feel nothing but relief he isn’t near me. It’s still a struggle to admit I was abused, because yeah I do experience well others had it worse. But I think what helped was being blunt near my friends who despite going to school with me and hanging out with me never knew.

I think like telling her how the floors were collapsing in our house including under my bed to the point my bed was tilted at an angle. How my father would call me a scavenger as a small child when he had visitation because I’d look in old pizza boxes for food because he refused to cook and 6 year old me didn’t know how to cook. How I grew so afraid to talk about my likes because he’d get in my face and mock me and laugh at me. I think how he’d bully me in front of my friends tell I cried so I stopped inviting them over. Id never tell my mom because I thought it was normal, and it wasn’t until I told my friends and how they reacted made me realize it wasn’t normal.

I think how I finally told mom and how she cried because while she could admit father abused her she had hoped he would at least treat me better. I don’t ever blame her because she genuinely tried. She’s been the best possible mom she could be.

But like no that post is right. Being blunts the first step to coming to terms with emotional and mental and verbal abuse. It’s so easy to deny because you convince yourself it’s just words, but you have to remind yourself those words still scar you. I still have issues liking things father liked, but now I can bluntly say I can never watch things like Thunder cats because my father. Some of my biggest interests came from him and I’ve had to work to untangle him from those things.

Even now typing this out, saying it out loud I still think maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe having to beg my dad for money to eat at 14 wasn’t that bad, maybe him constantly berating my weight wasn’t bad. But I gotta tell myself it was. It was bad.

[beevean]

.

The most comforting thing my mom has said so far is "dad passed away with your orange juice in his mouth"

She said other things as well, but while I absolutely understand the intent, I can't accept them.

"He stopped suffering." Yes, but he still did. Apparently for far more than we even imagined, he hid his sickness for years. I can only hope that he fell asleep right after I went away and then never woke up.

"Imagine if you didn't go that day, imagine the regret" I know! I know that it would have broken me if he died after a week of me not seeing him. But I can't erase that last day from my mind. I saw all of his pain, and I was not prepared, and I could do nothing about it. The one moment where I lifted him to sit and he fell backwards keeps repeating in my mind. That man that used to be a giant couldn't even keep himself sitting. He honestly looked better in the coffin at this point.

"He was waiting for you, you had to be the last one to see him" just like he never went back to his family for my sake? Are you saying that he prolonged his suffering for me? I didn't deserve it.

"He didn't take care of himself" yeah, and my brain is screaming at me that it's my fault because I didn't love him enough and so he felt no need to love himself. I know it doesn't make sense, but I can't fully convince myself.

But I brought him orange juice that day.

Dad simply didn't eat for 34 days, since the day he was first brought to the emergency room. I don't know if he really wasn't hungry, or it was because he missed most of his teeth, or quite simply he didn't like hospital food, which yeah, understandable. We tried to bring him everything he asked for, but he rarely liked it, because apparently it didn't taste the same. His mouth was burned by either the oxygen mask, the many medicines he was taking, or the fungal infection that popped out of fucking nowhere. Yeah, sure, why not.

Sidenote, I'm so mad that he spent his last Father's Day in an intensive care unit. I brought him a zeppola, because it was his favorite sweet, but he wasn't allowed to eat it. Besides, he had diabetes on top of everything else, so he technically shouldn't have eaten sugar regardless. My aunt managed to sneak him one a few days prior his death, at least - I guess that the doctors and nurses long gave up on him by that point.

But he liked oranges! They still tasted good to them, he just found it difficult to eat them. So, from time to time, I'd squeeze two and bring him the juice. He was always happy to drink fresh orange juice, especially in that hot room where bottled water turned into soup. I would have been driven mad and I don't blame him for asking every day for some iced water to mix it up.

That day, he was struggling. He was trying to drink with his mask still on, and I had to help him. He was wheezing so hard that I doubt he even swallowed more than a few drops. But he brought the bottle to his lips. Fresh orange juice that he could drink without issue, not warm water, nor freezing water that apparently made him sick the previous night (that's what his roommate said, I wonder if he was right).

I don't know if he drank anymore after I left. Again, I have the sneaking suspicion that he fell asleep after I left, finally slept all night after years of insomnia, and then that was it.

But he drank the orange juice I made for him because I wanted to make him happy, and that was the last thing he tasted, and perhaps understood. I was there, Dad. I did what I could to ease your pain. I love you. Maybe too late, who knows, but I know you forgave me like I forgave you.

[self-titled-poet]

T/w - SH, SA, ED

I realised that nothing was really mine

At the very least,

My body.

It first belonged to my Mother,

Maybe it was okay then

Since she grew,

Nurtured and raised me.

Except, at the tender age

Of just eight years old

She forced me on a diet.

She wanted to change me,

Even then,

My looks not conforming

To the little girl she pictured

For the 9 months I lived

Inside her body.

I was forced to eat gum

If I wanted a snack,

And foods were given labels

Like ‘good’ and ‘bad’.

Yet my body never shrunk,

Because it wasn’t built

To be like the others,

There she started a habit

That lived for ten years

Of starving to be beautiful.

After her, my body belonged to a man,

Who didn’t care

That his words would make me

Cut lines across my thighs

As painful reminders

That I was not enough.

A man who entered the part of me

I was always told to keep closed,

Like a secret never whispered,

A promise never broken.

It happened so quietly

One Saturday night

Only part of my clothes taken off

My skirt rolled up,

I barely knew what was happening,

Nor was I invited to participate.

The silent encounters continued

For 2 years after that,

Me letting him explore all the things

I never really owned,

As I got some kind of rush

Out of being wanted,

My beauty finally up for grabs

And given a value.

When he left, the parts I thought

I had clawed back from my Mother

By finally being worthy,

Womanly, beautiful

Disappeared faster than I gained them.

It became like a drug,

A quick hit

For my body to be owned

By any man that simply dared to ask.

It didn’t matter if

He undressed me first,

Or if we were in privacy

As long as he had me,

I had a use for my body.

This tawdry affair continued

For 5 years

As I thought I was reclaiming

What was mine,

Doing something our Grandmothers

Would only dare to dream.

Finding out what my body

Sees as pleasure

Using men the way they used me,

Until my body was pulsing,

Like I owned it all.

The last person my body belonged to,

Was someone I believed

Would be satisfied just tracing

The shape of my lips

While playing with my hair

With Hozier playing softly

To the beat of our hearts.

But I have come to realise

As a woman your body isn’t yours,

Instead he ripped the last

Drop of hope

I was clinging on to,

The nights I awoke with him

Pressed into me as he

So slowly and nearly invisibly

Rocked

Pushing himself as far as he could

Without disturbing me

(To his knowledge)

Inside

I lay awake after each time

Convincing myself I dreamed it,

Because after all these years,

How could I still not own

My body.

—k.l

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 19, 2023 | entry #6

i binged…a lot. whydoikeepdoingthistomyself? after my last entry i ended up spiraling into a three day long binge cycle and i feel like shit :( i felt like an absolute failure thursday because i had a few extra bowls of cereal but little did i know that it would spiral into me consuming over 6k calories in the span of three f*cking days!

i have no idea what came over me this weekend but i’ve never felt as disgusted with myself than i do now. i’ve struggled with binging for as long as i can remember but this time just felt…different. friday night i stuffed my face with so much food i had to lie down because i felt so insanely nauseous and full. it was so bad that i literally felt like i could have puked it all up by just poking my stomach. in a typical binge i always eat to excess but this time around was on an entirely different level. i felt so out of control it was like some food demon had possessed me and i couldn’t stop myself even if i wanted to :/

disappointed isn’t even the word. i feel disgusting. no amount of exercise or lax dosages could even begin to repair the damage i feel i’ve done to my body. it would be different if it had just been one day where i slipped up. at least that way i’d be able to convince myself that i had just had a “metabolism day” that would only result in mini pity party rather than an entire depressive episode of self loathing. what makes it x10 worse is that today was supposed to be my weigh-in day. today was supposed to be the day that i finally got back down to the 190s :( now who knows how far i’ve set myself back…

i don’t want to be too drastic with my next decisions because i don’t want this cycle to continue, but i really do wish i could just fast for an entire week after all of this. i’m convinced that’s the only way i could even begin to redeem myself from all of this. maybe i could consider doing a three day fast? it’s still a bit drastic for me (especially coming off of such an intense binge) but i honestly feel like it’s the only way i can keep my sanity.

i hate that this is my life. i hate that i ever let things get this bad. i hate that i could have reached my ugw ages ago if i wasn’t such a slob. i hate that i’ll probably have to suffer with this for the rest of my life. no matter how much i restrict, no matter how much i try to eat “normally”, no matter how many carbs i cut out from my diet, no matter how many cheat days i let myself have, no matter how many times i try to trick my brain into just being normal…this shit will always linger over my head just waiting to make my life as miserable and insufferable as possible.

i still have hope though—hope that at least one day i’ll have made enough progress that slip ups like these won’t be so detrimental. as depressing as it sounds, i always fantasize about the days where i’m finally at my ugw and can eat whatever my heart desires—not consistently obviously (i’ll be damned if i ever let myself regain 100+ lbs ever again) but enough that i’ll still be able to feel a little normal. when i go out to eat i won’t have to spend hours before combing through the menu for foods that fit into my cal limit. i’ll be able to eat my favorite junk foods without feeling like fat cow immediately after. maybe i’ll even be able work towards actually having a semi-healthy relationship with food? wishful thinking.

idk…i’m just tired of this being my reality. i can’t wait to look back at all of this a year from now and laugh…all i have to do is put in the work…

[thecatfarm]

So. I have some opinions on some recent discourse. (tw: rape, assault, violence)

Here's the thing:

I decided very early in my life that I was against the dehumanization of anyone, no matter their crime, yes, omg, of course including murderers and torturers and rapists, including everyone, that's the entire point.

But.

Most people who I've seen defend this position? They usually argue about the misuse of the dehumanisation -the "if you kill pedophiles, every queer person the state wants eliminated will be labeled a pedophile, if you castrate rapists, every innocent minoritiy the state wants purged will be labeled a rapist"

And I was of the opinion that we should be focusing, instead, on the fact that nobody is inhuman enough to have their bodily autonomy taken away.

That nobody is an absolute monster, that nobody should be seen an ontologically evil, that nobody should be treated as absolutely iredeemable.

Nobody.

But I've also sometimes thought to myself "well, you know, that's romantic and all, and, I know you say that now, but dude, you were never properly raped, and I don't know if you can correctly extrapolate from your limited experiences, maybe, if you live through a violent one, where you scream and beg and cry, you might feel differently"

And then it happened.

An acquaintance visiting from France beat me up and then raped me while going through an uncontrollable episode. It destroyed my life for a very long time. It still destroys it sometimes. I lost a few friends, and I almost lost my job, and it was in the best case scenario, where people believed me.

And, yes, I do now feel differently.

I now feel enraged by the dehumanization. I'm even more convinced it's a mistake to view people as monsters, if the thing they do is bad enough.

Because, see, he didn't mean to do it

"wtf are you talking about, how can you rape someone and not mean it, what is this bullshit rape apologetics"

Well, say, for example, you're having an episode after at least a week of no sleep and a day long sobriety streak after a month or so on a variety of uppers.

Three things are happening at you at the same time: a. Your crush is overdosing, and you need to help them, your phone isn't working so you can't call an ambulance, you try to give them a cold shower b. You are flirting with your crush while making shure they're eating, my god, you're finally having sex with them c. Somebody beat up your crush and left them in the bathroom, they are bleeding, and screaming.

And as your perception shifts rapidly among the three things, you don't realise that you tried to foce feed them, that you started hitting them to open their mouth until they passed out, that you dragged them to the bathroom, that you fought to get them into the bath, that you raped them, that they escaped, that you ran after them-

-that they never wanted you,

that they never consented to any of it-

"Cool cope" you'll say, I know. "How can you know that's what was happening?"

Well, because, as I tried explaining to the court, to no avail (they decided I was being protective), he did things that pointed very directly at his motives.

He tried giving me food, and water, he frantically looked for his phone to call an ambulance and then swore when he remembered it was dead, he looked for mine and didn't find it, he tried to shock me with cold water to wake me up, he tried stopping me from hitting on furniture, he didn't hurt me when he fucked me, he stopped raping me as soon as I turned around and he saw I was bleeding, when he caught up to me as I was banging on my neighbor's doors, he started knowcking and screaming too

And, okay, sure, it could have been an act. Except the French guy isn't a good actor when he's stressed. And he was hella stressed

He was, immediately, labeled a monster.

The cop who came over to pick up his stuff made fun of his clothes (for being too queer), his hair style (which was my work), and his mental state (the thing I was most worried about), to make me feel better.

Because, he was a monster, no?

But I think that, if there's a balancing scale here, if I have to use that label, what makes one a "monster", if anything, is intent.

A 40 year old child molester who blackmails and teases his victim certainly knows what he's doing -but a drunk 16 y old virgin whose knowledge of sex is a box of rapey metaphores, coercing his girlfriend until she says yes? That guy probably has no idea there's something wrong.

And, like, the most in-character "monster" of all my encounters was still that professor who grabed my boobs once, and who paid me back for the slap he got with a monthly delay of my scheduled animation shoot. Because he meant to pray on me, and meant to hurt me for retaliating.

The French guy didn't.

Yes, he did the most damage to me, physically and mentally, but his intentions were, at worst, extremely confused, and, at best, actually pure.

And yet, the malicious professor is a good guy (if a bit of a dick), and people don't believe me when I tell them, but the guy who needed help?

He's disliked by most people who meet him, because he's neurodivergent in the uncomfortable way: he's erratic, overly passionate, gets loud when frustrated, and extremely stubborn and sometimes verbally agressive when he suspects he's being insulted.

He's a prime candidate for dehumanisation.

Lo and behold, suddenly, people were capable of believing me instantly -and, rhetorically, offering to murder him.

Or worse.

And, this person expressed it in a way that made my various thoughts on it finally click:

I am now even more insistant on my "there are no monsters" rhetoric, because I've seen how the agressive distrust of victims is an attitude stemming, sometimes directly, from that rhetoric.

Like, you're likely to believe your best friend with the anxiety disorder spent his youth stealing cigarettes from his mom sometimes, because that doesn't challenge the "he's a good guy" rhetoric - but if you were told that he raped a couple of people through coersion, while they were both drunk?

Well, if the fact he raped someone means, by default, that he is an iredeemable monster -and your friend is, you know, a good person, then it's likelier you won't believe that he did it. And, if you witness him trying again, you'll probably rationalise it and not interfere.

It also makes it likelier you'll distrust the people accusing anyone you think is beyond reproach, because, if you believe in monsters, you're likelier to also believe in saints.

And victims will be less likely to come forward, if they suspect their rapist is well-liked and respected by their community. This applies to any crime that is percieved to be "the domain of inhuman monsters": If the act makes you a monster, then, to accuse the saint, you have to convince people they're a monster first.

This permeates almost every disagreement about consent I've seen.

A very tame example: I had *severe issues* explaining to a girl why she should stop touching my ass, especially after I've asked her to stop. You see, the moment I complained, she started protesting that she's a "not a monster" who would "do such things as violate someone". How I should ask around, that people know she's a good person.

I couldn't persuade her that her being a good person was irrelevant: She, unmaliciously, missunderstood my boundaries, and broke them. Me telling her was information about my limits, but she saw it as an indictment of her character.

She tried proving to me she was "a soft person" by touching me again, and started having a panic attack when I completely recoiled and left.

See, if the narrative was that assault and rape are things that good people can do on acccident (and is not only the domain of fully aware, malicious monsters), then, maybe, the soft girl would have had a short converation about boundaries and a couple more beers, my professor would have been reprimanded and maybe given some counceling instead of touching every big boob he saw, and my rapist would have been helped before he fucked up so bad he ended up in jail -as people wouldn't have felt the need to cover up for his other, more minor transgressions, because he was, actually, a good guy.

And maybe it will make mental healthcare better, and the solution, for a lot of people isn't "put the rapist in jail so he gets raped in turn"

And, maybe, hopefully, finally, people who are on a track to act on their worst compulsions could actually volunteer to get help before they hurt themselves or anyone else, without fearing that they'll forever be a monster for things that are -as of yet- just in their heads.

And, like, I get it if you fantasize every night about your rapist exploding theatrically (like putting too much air in a baloon!) -and I'm not taking that from you.

Your thoughts, even the most violent, overt, or weird ones, do not make you a bad person, and I'm not saying you should stop, or not share them. You must process all of your emotions, honestly and at your own pace.

But it's destructive to demand revenge becomes policy.

I wish we could find a way to stop dehumanising people -no matter their crime. But, maybe for now, let's just not call for purge-by-eugenics against people commiting sex crimes, and then calling it leftism. Or, at least, stop saying it's "for the victims", as if we were of one mind about this.

Cuz, if it wan't obvious from this book of a post, I'm ready to haunt this hill forever

[opposite-idol]

Calloused

Connect with the self, learn things you’ve never known Get in touch with myself, get out of my comfort zone And now I’m able to learn everything is wrong I, I, I, I can’t breathe Bring me back to when I was a kid, things they made us do every other day I was always in last place Running for my life Thought I was going to die Every single time And no one, no one, no one thought to stop and ask why Would I have even heard them? My mind was so far away Just trying to survive I couldn’t breathe My lungs didn’t have the capacity, even then So don’t ask me, “will you be like this?” That’s why they call me O.i

I just cover up my shortcomings A bandaid called charisma Why can’t I just be thankful for my yearnings This wound too deep, asthma So I drag my feet Too tired of running Goddamn let me catch my breath Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Never had my own energy So I learned from a young age to rummage for parts In order to build batteries But no one ever gives a shit about me Why bother trying my hand at feats Feel like I’m still running Out of breath, with no one to notice Ah ah ah ah ah ah am I dying? Wah wah wah! Fuck, am I crying? Finally, thirty years too late I crave activity, I can never satiate Where the fuck is my bravery, I can’t relate

You want to watch, I want to do Every attempt botched, but I just want to eat, where’s my food? Think every want needs to be solved, but I have no skill So I just hand it off to someone else, where’s my guru

I just hide my shortcomings behind ideas I just turn my ideas into spectacles So I don’t have to waste time being correctable Too busy forcing a collectable Trying to reach the stars, stretch my arms until it hurts I’ll never be tall I’ll never be enough Does it matter if I am in my head? In my head, I’m too much Overbearing, my persona’s about to be crushed Shh, baby there’s no rush Ah ah ah ah ah ah Let me catch my breath

I just let loose all my stubbornness Call me wild, ok I’m in the wilderness, being Wilde A bandaid called delusion Can’t believe you don’t notice When will I be anything more than a child Still vivid these memories, the kitchen shelf full of Child This wound too deep, it’s a combination of everything So I drag my feet Too tired of hiding Goddamn let me be myself But what the fuck is wrong with my health Ah ah ah ah ah ah let me catch my breath

Connect with the world, learn things you’d otherwise never know Get in touch with myself, the ghost, get into the zone And now I learn where everything belongs Well I think you’re wrong Ah ah ah ah I can’t breathe Bring me back to when I was a kid, no reason to think But I did anyway I was convinced I was in the wrong place I still am I wanted to run for my life Have I gotten there yet? Still feel like I’m gonna die, around every corner But at least it doesn’t hurt as bad, or maybe I’m used to it And I want no one, no one, no one to ever ask if I’m ok If I can’t handle it on my own, I’ll say so, I’ll ask for help My mind is right where I need it to be, nothing’s wrong with me I’ve learned how to survive Maybe the hard way But my lungs still feel way too tiny So don’t ask me Damn, just let me breathe

[beauty-rebel-dgafblog]

Blog.

Looks like I am here again. Blogging on Tumblr. At age 27. I started using this website service before the hype of the internet. It was a breath of fresh post. Peaceful yet real post. Source you know come from average home life prospective. At least that is what my searches gave me. Art, creativity, passion, muse, etc.

This time I come to this place to think. To type my thoughts and share them somewhere with the world. A timeline of sorts.

I've been trying to have simple thoughts about my life lately. Being as though it has gotten so complicated with responsibilities and life ver my adult years. I had my third child and girl eight months ago. Her name is Aubree. I usually go back to work as soon as i can find it and have not done so this time.

In the mist of three babies three years apart each back to back. I lost my body, my self care and then love, and finally my mental. Was going to walk away from it all. Go be a dead beat abandoning mother to my lonesome. THIS year not joke, I kid you not! Being convinced to do otherwise. My path leads me here. Making enough typing errors to give myself an F in keyboarding. (Which is funny because I am teaching my oldest daughter Kristen to start practicing it now for fun!) Watching her reminds me a lot of my childhood trials and error myself of growing into the me I am today.

SO, Anyways my inner thoughts....

I really want to teach myself to farm the food I like to eat. I hope to one day own enough land to wake up and do so on the privacy of my property. Learning that I can gather chicken eggs from a local farm for growing from public education. Which has rather been a benefit thus far of Americas system giving the belief to its students we will be prepared for the real world. There will be a library. Lots of books and clearly plants. Chickens and a dog to watch the chickens.

This has become part of my goal of achievements I want to reach in life. You know things never go as planned.

Before doing this, I am working towards being a certified and experienced CPA. The starting up a club. A club that hosts night and day events. Rents space for events! Host free community events. Be a family place that caters to everyone's fun. Like, maybe a room just for kids when an adult event is being hosted but people do not want to find sitters. Or cannot find sitters. It will be amazing like princess Tiana's restaurant dream. Or Eddie Murphy's characters night club idea. " The BOOM BOOM ROOM". I now just thought I must think of a name. Something inviting to all. For all occasions. Hmm comment any ideas please.

Moving on I am somewhat in school for this rn. I am processing. I just was not being patient with anything after having a baby another baby. Being set back to the stay-at-home and do everything with solely your bills paid and house supplied. No means of driving. Always having to depend on or wait to make it happen for YOU.

[mellow-worlds]

Yesterday I learned that D has scars on her wrist. She didn't specify but was pretty upfront about it. We were talking about scars in general (just like that scene in Jaws lmao) and she said she also has scars but that they were nothing she could really tell us anything cool about. She also said that they were from a long time ago, so yee. She's super cute honestly. And I think I noticed them before but kind of didn't think they were sh scars, because she also has these little skin swirls on her neck and I thought it was the same thing.... I'm a bad human being. Oh well. I'm just happy to hear that she can openly talk about them and not feel ashamed, and she even said she used to be embarrassed about them, but decided that people who judge her for that should go fuck themselves. Yeah so long story short, she's super sweet and the coolest. I'd like to be more like her.Yesterday was a lot of fun. We went to D (guy)s place and played games and talked and it was amazing. P was also there. I keep thinking maybe he'll like me if I'm skinny. I broke my fast today at 41 hours and ate over half a bar of chocolate and feel awful. At least I didn't eat anything yesterday. Something to be kinda happy about. But yeah....... I wish I hadn't eaten so much. I feel super bad and super full and uncomfortable. I only broke my fast because I kept feeling like I was going to barf despite having literally nothing in my stomach but water. It's somehow super easy for me to decline food from my friends but I somehow struggle more to stop myself once I started eating in private. Just something to remember.I keep imagining what it'd be like to finally have my friends find out. Maybe they'd talk to me about it? I keep imagining situations where I have to explain it to people, my history with eds and why I can't stop. Especially P. Pretty much only P. Yeah.... I'm less and less convinced he'd like me but I keep imagining how much I'd let him down should we actually be in a relationship.Like that'd ever happen and I already keep fatalizing. And I also think that my childishness is bot my best and worst feature. It's kind of my entire personality, but it makes it hard for people to take me seriously. Not that there'd be any reason to. Idk I feel so sad. Yesterday I didn't feel like killing myself but honestly... I feel so out of place and unworthy of my friends, especially P. I'm such a leech. I wish I could spend every single second with my friends. I just want to ve liked and impress people but I can't. And mostly I just want to spend time with my friends because I freaking don't know I love them so much and they give me the ability to feel happy. Like 2 days ago I was super happy for no reason, thinking about P and my suicide and my other friends and my ed and being skinny. I'm super grateful for my friends. But now I am sad again when I'm alone, I am sad and tired and kind of still feel like throwing up and I freaking ate so much.... idk what to do. I had a cocoa and almost an entire bar of chocolate and yogurt and a little piece of bread and I'll have another sandwich at uni. I should just eat more fruits and healthy things. I'll eat the sandwich and do maybe another 24 hour fast. I'll need to eat tomorrow because of debate club. I should just be happy about fasting for so long in the first place, shouldn't I? Longest fast I've ever made, by like 3 hours or sum. Better than nothing. See, I can't only focus on the good part. Gosh. I hate myself. I don't think I ever won't. I hate myself. I don't think I ever haven't. I want to die again :). At least something to look forward to. I told myself I'd kill myself at the latest on December 2nd. Kinda dangerous to make promises to myself like that. Last time I didn't kms either hahaha. Makes me feel stupid and bad.