opposite-idol

[opposite-idol]

Broken Arm

Rumble, hic, rumble, hic, rumble from the h-h-hicups While they’re still making me pee in a c-c-cup “Sorry, w-what?” What a weird kink Hey, doc, what do you think? Is it because of the drugs Or maybe it’s because you’re a bigot But you don’t know it Your bias is internalized Well so is my mental health But you don’t see me offing myself So why can’t you get over yourself And do your fucking job? I guess not Fuck it I guess I’ll never come here It’s not like I’m weird I’m just trying to solve my problems, in the normal way, like everyone But no one can see others in a normal way I guess you didn’t wear your contacts today Don’t worry, it’s ok I didn’t want to see you either, anyway But I needed to come here today Because I’m dying And no, it’s not because of the drugs It’s just because I’m trying to be normal But in order to do that, I need your help But in order to get that, you need to see me as normal But you don’t, because you’re in love with a criminal So if my health is bad, it’s not my goddamn fault It’s because they still make me pee in a cup “Sorry, what?” What a weird kink Hey doc, what do you think I’m not…. But I could take your… if you want Wouldn’t that be a nice lawsuit? But don’t worry, I showed up drunk So in court it won’t hold up But when we show up I’ll look like the normal one And the judge will ask what you were on And you’ll stutter I’m sorry, no I’m not, has the cat got your t-t-tongue? Since you didn’t make my heart flutter, you can get yourself g-g-gone With this shit, wish I could be done Why, you ask, am I on drugs Well, I’m trans because I was born wrong And I like to eat, so I’ve got high cholesterol And I’m still sad two decades later because I miss my dog And I’m paranoid because I prefer to be alone And I’m anxious because the world is fucked Goddamn! So don’t tell me what you want You make six figures a month, so get it yourself Wouldn’t that make a nice lawsuit? But don’t worry, I already know you look good in a suit Stalker? No, but I know how to use google Why did I even come here, when I’m trying to be frugal? If doctors never help Even with insurance, the copay still so high No one can even afford to save their own life Goddamn, don’t waste my time Why bother educating the passionate When by time they get to the real world, they no longer give a shit Every time I think it’ll be different It’s not Same old, same old, goddamn don’t waste my time Wasted my time coming here It’s not like I’m weird I’m just trying to solve my problems, in the normal way, like everyone But no one can see others in a normal way I guess you didn’t wear your contacts today Don’t worry, it’s ok I didn’t want to see you either, anyway So BRB while I go home, and come back a whole new person Just so you can treat the actual problem

[opposite-idol]

≠

Are you okay, in that place you stay? I left 23 years ago, to the day Laugh all you want, you’ve never had worries anyway While I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community, while I’m so fucking far away Are you okay?

Chained to the wall, and underwater, is how it feels And I’m someone who’s privileged, and has everything I ever want For the most part And I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, for those still fighting I can’t even imagine, what it must be like to not be mentally suffering

I may be privileged, but I don’t have the privilege that allows me to laugh about wholesale slaughter Sure, some of us used to be daughters But I only want to be precious to those who I let in So, fuck you

Are you okay, in that place you stay? Laugh all you want, you’ve got nothing to worry about You’re the tile, while I’m the grout Care needs to be taken, if I don’t want to mold away I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community While you’re the majority I don’t give a shit if you’re okay

I’m just trying to make small talk Because if I try to have a real conversation, no one fucking listens Fuck you, and you, and you, and you till the very end I’m going insane, I say again, and again, and again For the millionth time, but I have a good reason I’ve been growing mold since I was twelve years old Maybe I care way too much, and maybe you don’t care enough But it’s been 23 years, and caring hasn’t done shit So if you want me to stay, give me a good reason

Chained to the wall, and underwater, is not how it feels It’s how it is, and how it’s been And I’m someone who’s privileged But I don’t have the privilege you have, to feel completely normal laughing about the fucking genocide of generations of children Sure, some of us used to be ignorant And I’m still so careful about who I let in So, fuck you again

Are you okay, in that place you stay? I left 23 years ago, to the day Laugh all you want, you’ve never had worries anyway While I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community While you’re the majority I don’t give a shit about what you have to say

I’m just trying to make small talk Because if I try to have a real conversation, no one fucking listens Fuck you, and you, and you, and you till the very end I’m going insane, I say again, and again, and again For the millionth time, but I have a good reason I’ve been growing mold since I was twelve years old Maybe I care way too much, and maybe you don’t care enough But it’s been 23 years, and caring hasn’t done shit It’s been 23 fucking years, and I’m still mad as shit It's getting way too hard to keep it inside So if you want me to stay, you better give me a damn good reason One that can trump a fucking democide

[opposite-idol]

[opposite-idol]

Name of a Ghost

Trees everywhere Some people have to work overtime While others are under house arrest Look at all this debris Proof that even a whole town can take forever to recover from damage So why are you always in such a rush? You don’t have to tell me “You’ve got so much time left” My delusions already know that But it’s reality that’s always so haunting “So why are you always in such a rush?” It’s because Doesn’t everyone know? Life moves too damn slow, but it can also end hella fast I’ve seen it too many times, for the memory not to last

Winds blow so fast But tree trunks are what cracks last Look at all this debris Parking lots full of trees Hey, that doesn’t go there I’m sure you’re all aware Life likes to crash A surprise, like all the birthdays they’ll never have Maybe for some, everything moves too fast, it’s all too much But for me, what’s wrong is, life moves too damn slow And sometimes I’m blinded to which path will take me past go Maybe I’ve made mistakes That’s what life’s about, so it’s ok But don’t I know? Life can sometimes really last, so it’s ok to take it slow I’ve been living that, too long for the memories not to last

Signs broken everywhere Some people have to get to work While others lives seem not to matter Look at all this debris Proof that even a whole town can take forever to recover from damage So why are you always in such a rush? You don’t have to tell me “You’ve got so much time left” My delusions already know that But it’s reality that’s always so haunting “So why are you always in such a rush?” It’s because Doesn’t everyone know? Life moves too damn slow, but it can also end hella fast I’ve seen it too many times, for the memory not to last

[opposite-idol]

Y/N (Your Name)

I miss you I miss you

Your name doesn’t ring anymore Growth, rain doesn’t bring any more Wait for me, you swore

I should have known What’s the point of words When an animal can’t speak human

I beat my own skull, trying to reach my brain I can’t bear to forget you No matter how much pain your memory brings “Come on, follow me” I look back, but your space is empty

I want to see you I need to feel you

But I don’t want to die I promise that was just one time Universe, I’m sorry Please keep her safe for me

I want to see you I need to feel you Soft safety Calmness in calamity Only you knew me How did I grow up to become so lonely When you were always with me I can’t bear to forget you No matter how much pain your memory brings Please follow me But when I look back, your footprints are missing

I’m too distracted by your memory To be able to see My own strength But how can I view myself as strong When I don’t even want to publicly say your name For fear that everyone could see my shame Even if I’m not the one to blame But still I should have been there all the same And I really wish I could say “There isn’t anyone I blame” But there is All my friends here tell me “that’s just the biz”

But what about 10 years ago, or 15, or 20 Is loss just a part of growing up I don’t know Shit, sometimes it makes me wanna throw up Missing you When I’m spiraling too Is the wrong place to be So I don’t spiral anymore And I’m happy This is the place to be

But instead I question myself Am I an angel or a demon, or their child Am I lying to my own face, or just to everyone else Am I able yet to just be myself I don’t know Fucking hell

I miss you I miss you

Your sounds don’t live in my head anymore Stuff outside the house doesn’t bring you running anymore Meet you there, I swore

I should have known What’s the point of words When an animal can’t speak human

How did I grow up to become so lonely When you were always with me I can’t bear to forget you No matter how much pain your memory brings Please follow me But when I look back, your footprints are missing

I beat my own skull, trying to reach my brain I can’t bear to forget you No matter how much pain your memory brings “Come on, follow me” I look back, but your space is empty

I want to see you I need to feel you

But I don’t want to die I promise that was just one time Universe, I’m sorry Please keep her safe for me

Until the day I can say her name publicly

[opposite-idol]

Rivers, Lakes, and Oceans (No Submarine)

Everyone here reminds me of all the friends I had in childhood Best friends, briefly, if only for a moment Now we’re separated by oceans Learned how to sail as a child Named my child after a sea in my fantasy Took years and years of internal therapy To find out that child was me I was living vicariously Peter Pan is a true story Now I’ve taken that name for myself But after so many personalities I think I just want to live simply

Sigh

Best friends, for a moment, if only just briefly Now we’re separated by differences in pessimism and positivity Learned how to sail as a child Surprised myself, “oh my god, I can actually feel something!” But what the fuck are feelings I love to categorize everything Organized to a T But I don’t know the difference between feeling nothing and being happy Unless I can feel it physically So please blow me No, no, wait, that’s not what I mean I want the wind in my face so badly Do I want to be alone eternally No But I don’t understand anymore And I realize now, I don’t think I ever did In the grand scheme of things, we were only friends for a moment So please don’t care that I’m gone “I don’t care about you anymore,” I lie Why do you think I’m writing this song I wish we had been wrong If I never met you, would I have grown up to be strong Don’t care that it’s been so long This is still my favorite song On the mix you gave me in 2001 But I don’t care that you’re gone

What the fuck is childhood But names I remember Of friends, now they just seem like absent others You think “I’ll know you forever” Then you wake up, or so I hope Welcome to adulthood I learned how to sail as a child But now I make sales as a grown up And all the grown ups pretend they don’t know it’s not the same thing Why hold me down, I don’t understand, please let me face the wind I need the grown ups to move faster, by time decisions get made, I decay What a fucking beautiful day If only I could face the sea But what does the sea owe me When I owe it everything Swallows the past for me Like Dory, no memory Gone forever, probably at the bottom of Challenger Deep But you know what That’s ok with me I’m always ready to move on The deep might be far away, but the surface is easily manipulated I learned how to sail as a child, so I’m good at it Just don’t get in the water, or you’ll be snagged by the anchor’s line, as it drags along the bottom

[opposite-idol]

Mulder

After four years, or has it been five, I don’t remember A child is finally being pulled out of me Through my throat Covered in all the mucus that goes drip drip drip down from the back of my nose At least I’ve reached a good place, where I fully believe I’m a GOAT Am I shifting realities, as the kids say these days, or am I fully delusional But what’s a goat, but someone who used to be a kid, a child

Text my mom, say “do you wanna meet your grandkid” Send her a pic Of myself on a mountain with a baby goat So now she’s mad at me, and won’t answer the phone Just over something that was meant to be a joke And I try again and again to explain to everyone “yes, I’ve seen a ghost” But even when some friends say “me too,” I still feel alone I was also almost abducted by aliens once Keep wondering what would have happened if I had let them take me But when they came for me My subconscious could only repeat “no, I don’t want to to go” “I don’t want to go” And they let me stay So I felt really underwhelmed, realizing it’s not personal They just have to fill a quota, just like everyone else And I’m not special I’m too fearful Just a homebody, who couldn’t even let my spirit be pulled through my home’s walls Just because physics doesn’t work that way But if aliens exist, then what the fuck do I know I never will if I stay

So let me run away! Why I gotta ask permission The wannabe Aquarius in me keeps saying “Fuck tradition” But the overly polite type five INFJ in me Holds out his hands under the persimmon tree In summer, and waits for the fall leaves Patiently When will we be done waiting I pretend I’m a we, so no one can blame me for my own procrastination When will good luck be handed to me? After thirty years I’m still waiting And waiting And waiting And waiting I want to leave! But I’m so damn lazy Maybe pulling the child out of me will fix everything Is that the final point of therapy? I don’t know, I’ve never made it this far in anything In any endeavor, life, or treatment

But what needs treating When I’m using treatment to run away from my other problems Like all the mucus that goes drip drip drip down the back of my throat Lube to help pull out the child Created when I first tried to force it down, deepthroat But I never choke, I just cope So, no, I can’t tell you when it was that I first broke Maybe it was when a friend literally held a gun to my head, just for saying no How dare anyone speak up, I know I won’t Welcome to America, fuck I was five years old And just didn’t want to cut a piece of paper, because I thought I’d be bad at it I’m still lacking Nothings changed I still can’t cry But show me ten seconds of a dog being loved And I’ll have a fucking mental breakdown

Don’t cross me I have a repertoire of stoicism Cure of the world’s anger Poster child of dissociation Raises hand Yes, that’s me, I’m here Or am I

Drip drip drip

The wannabe attention seeker in me keeps saying “Look at me” But the never loud keeps to himself type five INFJ in me Holds out his hands under the persimmon tree In summer, and waits for the fall leaves Waiting for permission, patiently When will we be done waiting I pretend I’m a we, so no one can blame me Because that shit’s scary And usually makes me want to leave But the world outside is not safe So I keep making me wait But for what? I’m just a homebody, who wouldn’t even let my body be pulled through the walls When the aliens thought I was special Just for being delusional But I was too scared to go, because physics doesn’t work that way I know But If aliens exist, then what the fuck do I know What the fuck do I know What the fuck do I know

[opposite-idol]

Call Me Baby (The King of Grief)

I don’t have a clue What about you? Are you lost, but feel found, complete, but still growing too?

I’m going insane Are you coming? If you’re not, is there anything you need? I’ll get it for you

I’m going to hell Will I have to miss you? I guess I will Because you’re going somewhere else How do I send mail to heaven I can’t? Well, shit

Please, just let me pay my grievances I don’t need to be the king of it What a strange backhanded compliment I guess my only choice is to let it sit Because I’ve been to more funerals than weddings Goddamn, I’m not even 40 Half of the souls I’ve loved died before I could even reach 30 Why do they always leave Why do they always leave me Abandonment issues Because I’m not the one Death wanted to choose

But I still know in the end I’ll be going to hell Because I feel like I could have lived this life more well But I can’t do anything about it, gotta just let it go Baby, what do you know? We’ve met before Hope I meet you again in the next one Because after this one you’re going somewhere else And I’ll have to miss you Just like I do everyone else I don’t know what else is, if that ain’t the real hell I will never get to see you loving it in heaven Well, shit

And because of that, I’m going insane You promised to meet me there But when you arrive, you find me telling some other god to make it rain Do you wanna join me? Hey baby I love everyone equally, weren’t you aware? That’s why I’m scared to be anything but lazy If I’m seen showing up, then everyone’s gonna think they can take me So I only show up for you …and you and you and you and you So please call me maybe You did, and now you’re the only one who calls me baby You’re too good to me But I still wonder if you only love me because I’m a niche

I’m going to hell And we both know you can’t come with me Discovered a long time ago, that this was the last life for us But I’m starting to feel like that’s a little bit sus We’re both too ambitious And we’d choose immortality every time That’s why we’ve lasted so many lives

I’m going insane Are you coming? Come on, let’s find a temple of our own making I’m going

I’m going insane If you’re not coming, do you need anything?

[opposite-idol]

Don't Call Me Baby (Freaks pt.2)

Make a wish on a shooting star Because I don’t know what’s supposed to work anymore Baby, tell me, is this war? Please take a pause, I’m already sore I held paws, until they were gone Sensibility tells me I can’t grieve anymore But, what everyone loves about me, is I’ve got no damn sense Why start now? But I finally have a realistic vision Wow But I’m the only one who can see it Because I wear heart shaped rose tinted glasses I don’t need the vagueness I just need to win in Vegas So I can finally stop faking it Baby, I’m broken But I don’t need to be fixed I just need to see you being yourself And making it, and live, laugh, loving every minute of it “Live, laugh, love” Sure fits like a glove When you’re delusional as fuck

So that’s who I am Did I stutter? I hope not My mind is free of clutter Even though the world’s a mess I admit But I can’t help it I wear rose tinted glasses And I’m so tired of the vagueness I already know I’m famous Yes, I’m serious I promise I’m not faking it Baby, promise I’ll meet you in Vegas After I make it through all these clowns Who try to say industry made us Yeah, industry sure as hell raised us It wasn’t any fool trying to say “praise Yeezus” “But you’re not famous” Yeah, I know, I’m sorry But can you blame us I’m tired of all the worry I just wanna be free But I wanna “live, laugh, love” so badly And I can’t do that without saying all these shitty things

Baby, I’m gonna be late I’m sorry Will my own marriage wait for me? I’m inclined to lie and say I’m fighting injustices I’m sorry, I’m so busy It’s not like that line is foreign to me Both to hear and say Things weren’t ever supposed to go the right way So, baby I’m sorry Will you wait for me? I’m way too busy I lie The truth is, to be honest I’m just lazy And I’m tired of the lack of variety Done with the vagueness Goddamn, better win in Vegas Because I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t exist And I feel so blessed Never get slapped on the wrist But I’m exhausted, so maybe I just don’t feel it I lie The truth is, to be honest I’m wide awake And I don’t know how to put on the brakes I just know how to blend in, so good at faking it But for you I never did, and they don’t need to know a damn thing Holy shit look at this ring

[opposite-idol]

🤡

Loving this clown life Wearing nothing but every smiley face motif From my surroundings I only want to experience positivity Keep myself closed off You don’t need to be burdened with someone else’s grief Yeah, I’m winning therapy

Oh? That’s not why I’m here? I’m here for the incongruence of my inner histrionics With this schizoid outer crust

That gets thicker with every moment that passes Soon I’ll be nothing but stone, though everyone already sees I am Midas touch? I wish. But no. More like Medusa’s looks. Cursed since childhood When at summer camp I was the local rock No, not like a star, Lee, Dwayne, or Aesop Please make these judgements stop! I don’t want to be in anyone’s thoughts But I crave the ability to show off

I was never the class clown More like the class mime Looked weird enough to stand out But not loud enough to get what I really want I will never be clown enough So please tell me How do I make desire for the crown stop I’ll never be clown enough Everyone else goes to therapy to turn it off I’m here to turn it on How do I make it start

“Ready player one”

Hating this drowned mindset Doing nothing but pretending With nothing but a smile I wish More like resting bored face Where the hell is my variety Dear god, just take all my creativity How else am I supposed to believe Please believe me, why won’t anyone ever believe me I’ve been screaming my whole life “Give me what I need!” But no one listens Least of all, parents From my life I only want positivity Keep myself closed off Because I never want to be in anyone’s thoughts But I crave my needs being fulfilled And I’m scared that can only happen if I’m loud, if I show off Why does no one believe that I know what I want Yes, I know it’s a lot But I’m so serious as fuck No, I won’t fucking laugh it off Call me a clown all you want I know you’re wrong I may be weird, but my thoughts are ordered way too fucking much Why so serious?

[opposite-idol]

I'm Too Old For This Shit

These fall nights will never feel right Promise I’m not a partier So what am I doing here? Just trying to relive tragedy I never experienced Will anyone here live or die tonight? YOLO, who cares? Maybe someone does Because, oh shit, sirens in the air Indication it’s too late Didn’t even notice when the music started to dissipate Promise I’m not a partier So tell me, what brings you here? Was it the-“woo-woo”-sirens in the air? Or maybe it was the fresh scent of woo-hoo in the air YOLO, who cares?

Meet me two years later If you survive demon crowd’s lair Tonight

가을이 다시 살아날까요? (pron: ga-eul-i dasi sal-analkkayo? - trans: Will autumn come alive again?) 약속해, 나는 파티에 관심이 없어 (pron: yagsoghae, naneun patie gwansim-i eobs-eo - trans: Promise I'm not interested in parties) 내가 왜 여기에 있는지 모르겠어요 (pron: naega wae yeogie issneunji moleugess-eoyo - trans: I don't know why I'm here) 역겹지 않아? (Pron: yeoggyeobji anh-a? - trans: Isn't this disgusting?) 그들은 그것을 가볍게 여긴다 (pron: geudeul-eun geugeos-eul gabyeobge yeoginda - trans: Take it lightly) 그들은 그것을 음란물로 만든다 (pron: geudeul-eun geugeos-eul eumlanmullo mandeunda - trans: Make it pornographic) 이 아이들은 무례함이 너무 많아 (Pron: i aideul-eun mulyeham-i neomu manh-a - trans: These kids have so much disrespect) 그들은 "YOLO, 누가 신경 써?"라고 생각해 (pron: geudeul-eun "YOLO, nuga singyeong sseo?"lago saeng-gaghae - trans: They think, "YOLO, who cares?”) Run, Run “Woo-woo,” the cops이 곧 나타날 거예 (pron:“Woo-woo,”the cops-i god natanal geoye - trans: “Woo-woo,” the cops will show up soon) 심즈 게임을 해본 적 있나요? (Pron: simjeu geim-eul haebon jeog issnayo? - trans: Have you played The Sims?)

You’re cooked See, I’m cool 여기서 만났어 (pron: yeogiseo mannass-eo - trans: I met you here) 무엇을 원하세? (Pron: mueos-eul wonhase? - trans: What do you want?) 한 사람이 demon 될 수 있다고 생각하세? (Pron: han salam-i demon doel su issdago saeng-gaghase? - trans: You think one person can be a demon?) 당신은 틀렸어 (pron: dangsin-eun teullyeoss-eo - trans: You’re wrong) 당신은 one face 이상을 가진 flood 본 적이 없을 것입니다 (Pron: dangsin-eun one face isang-eul gajin flood bon jeog-i eobs-eul geos-ibnida - trans: Clearly you have never seen a flood with more than one face)

Can someone please make these cold nights feel the same Like they used to “당신이 그 사람이라고 생각하시나?” (Pron: “dangsin-i geu salam-ilago saeng-gaghasina?” - trans: “Do you think you’re that person?”) Sure, I think I’m the shit Doesn’t hyung think he’s the shit? 알아요 (pron: al-ayo - trans: I know) He does 하지만 he’s too shy to say it 다른 사람의 가사로 (pron: Hajiman he’s too shy to say it daleun salam-ui gasalo - trans: But he’s too shy to say it in someone else’s lyrics) “여기서 뭘 하고 계세?” (Pron: “yeogiseo mwol hago gyese?” - trans: “What are you doing here?”) Man, I don’t know 하지만 저는 I have good intentions 약속합니다 (pron: hajiman jeoneun I have good intentions yagsoghabnida - trans: But I promise I have good intentions)

What am I doing here? Just trying to relive tragedy I never experienced Will anyone here live or die tonight? Man, I don’t even know if I’m alive 하지만 YOLO, who cares? (Pron: hajiman YOLO, who cares? - trans: But YOLO, who cares?) Maybe you do? Because- “woo-woo” Oh no, sirens blare It’s too late

Didn’t even notice when the music started making me create Promise I’m a 일중독 (pron: Promise I’m a iljungdog - trans: Promise I’m a workaholic) But I’ll never show up to the bar, or the 회식 (pron: But I’ll never show up to the bar, or the hoesig - trans: But I’ll never show up to the bar, or the company dinner) So what am I doing here? Was it the thought of excitement? Or maybe it was the fresh scent of the future in the air YOLO, who cares?

[opposite-idol]

I'm Too Old For This Shit (English Version)

These fall nights will never feel right Promise I’m not a partier So what am I doing here? Just trying to relive tragedy I never experienced Will anyone here live or die tonight? YOLO, who cares? Maybe someone does Because, oh shit, sirens in the air Indication it’s too late Didn’t even notice when the music started to dissipate Promise I’m not a partier So tell me, what brings you here? Was it the-“woo-woo”-sirens in the air? Or maybe it was the fresh scent of woo-hoo in the air YOLO, who cares?

Meet me two years later If you survive demon crowd’s lair Tonight

Will autumn ever come back alive for me Promise I’m not interested in festivities I don’t know why I’m here Isn’t it disgusting? They take it lightly, make it pornagraphic These young kids have so much disrespect They think, “YOLO, who cares?” Run, Run “Woo-woo,” the cops are coming Have you ever played The Sims?

You’re cooked See, I’m cool I met you here What do you want? You think I’m a demon? You’re wrong Clearly, you’ve never seen a flood with more than one face

Can someone please make these cold nights feel the same Like they used to “Do you think you’re the one who can do that?” Sure, I think I’m the shit Doesn’t hyung think he’s the shit? I know he does But he’s too shy to say it in someone else’s lyrics “What are you doing here?” Man, I don’t know But I promise I have good intentions

What am I doing here? Just trying to relive tragedy I never experienced Will anyone here live or die tonight? Man, I don’t even know if I’m alive But YOLO, who cares? Maybe you do? Because- “woo-woo” Oh no, sirens blare It’s too late

Didn’t even notice when the music started making me create Promise I’m a hard worker But I’ll never show up at the bar, or the company dinner So what am I doing here? Was it the thought of excitement? Or maybe it was the fresh scent of the future in the air YOLO, who cares?

[opposite-idol]

Waive the American Dream

I talk so infrequent That every time I meet with a friend By evenin’s end, my throat is hurtin’ But I crave that kind of life The life of a socialite

First glimpse of fantasy In 7th grade reading Great Gatsby Wish that were me Minus the tragedy Minus the poor mental health, and blindness But keeping hope for the future, money, and dreams It’s not always what it seems We can’t choose where life comes together, or breaks at the seams And we can’t choose if every house we live in will have visible beams Oh, my skeleton is dying inside me I wish you could see But I’ve only got my words So I’ll just try my best to show off the insides visibly I’ll just try my best to show you every invisible mess It’s been twenty years, that I’ve been doing this And I still haven’t gotten shit out of it

Fuck

I’m present so infrequent That every time I leave the house I disassociate By evenin’s end, all my emotions will dissipate But I crave that kind of life The life of omnipresence Wanna be famous But I learned too late That biding my time is a major waste

So I just lie I just pretend I have no regrets I’m a good kid, I’ve never done anything wrong Except hurt my own heart What the fuck is passion What the fuck does it feel like to even start

First glimpse of the good life Under seven years old, watching the Oscars Wish that were me Minus all the hard work Minus having to be the center of attention But somehow still getting all the attention and spotlight And making all the money, and following my dreams But it’s not always what it seems We can’t choose where life comes together, or breaks at the seams And we can’t choose if every house we live in will have visible beams Oh, my skeleton is dying inside me I wish you could see But I’ve only got my words So I’ll just try my best to show off the insides visibly I’ll just try my best to show you every invisible mess It’s been twenty years, that I’ve been doing this And I still haven’t gotten shit out of it

Fuck this

[opposite-idol]

Calloused

Connect with the self, learn things you’ve never known Get in touch with myself, get out of my comfort zone And now I’m able to learn everything is wrong I, I, I, I can’t breathe Bring me back to when I was a kid, things they made us do every other day I was always in last place Running for my life Thought I was going to die Every single time And no one, no one, no one thought to stop and ask why Would I have even heard them? My mind was so far away Just trying to survive I couldn’t breathe My lungs didn’t have the capacity, even then So don’t ask me, “will you be like this?” That’s why they call me O.i

I just cover up my shortcomings A bandaid called charisma Why can’t I just be thankful for my yearnings This wound too deep, asthma So I drag my feet Too tired of running Goddamn let me catch my breath Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Never had my own energy So I learned from a young age to rummage for parts In order to build batteries But no one ever gives a shit about me Why bother trying my hand at feats Feel like I’m still running Out of breath, with no one to notice Ah ah ah ah ah ah am I dying? Wah wah wah! Fuck, am I crying? Finally, thirty years too late I crave activity, I can never satiate Where the fuck is my bravery, I can’t relate

You want to watch, I want to do Every attempt botched, but I just want to eat, where’s my food? Think every want needs to be solved, but I have no skill So I just hand it off to someone else, where’s my guru

I just hide my shortcomings behind ideas I just turn my ideas into spectacles So I don’t have to waste time being correctable Too busy forcing a collectable Trying to reach the stars, stretch my arms until it hurts I’ll never be tall I’ll never be enough Does it matter if I am in my head? In my head, I’m too much Overbearing, my persona’s about to be crushed Shh, baby there’s no rush Ah ah ah ah ah ah Let me catch my breath

I just let loose all my stubbornness Call me wild, ok I’m in the wilderness, being Wilde A bandaid called delusion Can’t believe you don’t notice When will I be anything more than a child Still vivid these memories, the kitchen shelf full of Child This wound too deep, it’s a combination of everything So I drag my feet Too tired of hiding Goddamn let me be myself But what the fuck is wrong with my health Ah ah ah ah ah ah let me catch my breath

Connect with the world, learn things you’d otherwise never know Get in touch with myself, the ghost, get into the zone And now I learn where everything belongs Well I think you’re wrong Ah ah ah ah I can’t breathe Bring me back to when I was a kid, no reason to think But I did anyway I was convinced I was in the wrong place I still am I wanted to run for my life Have I gotten there yet? Still feel like I’m gonna die, around every corner But at least it doesn’t hurt as bad, or maybe I’m used to it And I want no one, no one, no one to ever ask if I’m ok If I can’t handle it on my own, I’ll say so, I’ll ask for help My mind is right where I need it to be, nothing’s wrong with me I’ve learned how to survive Maybe the hard way But my lungs still feel way too tiny So don’t ask me Damn, just let me breathe

[opposite-idol]

Prey

What the actual fuck You’re hot as fuck Has anybody ever told you that Oh, they have? I guess I’m just late to catching on Even though we’ve been circling each other like birds on the hunt But for what

What the actual fuck Everyone wants to call this good luck So why all the protest trucks Everyone can get fucked Even the good ones I’m sorry I’m just trying to protect what I love Fuck, what do you all want

“I want you to notice me” “Notice me senpai” Well, I wanted to get noticed too But all anyone ever did was say goodbye And no good ones could ever look me in the eye I was smaller than a grain of rice So I just decided to live my own life Quietly

Quietly, I’ve been losing my sanity “But you’re such a rarity” How do I insert the eye roll emoji, lyrically “But you’re so good at this, really” Fuck off, bitch you don’t know me

But I just look up, look up, always Into the eyes of a good one Into the eyes of a god Who always knew he’d get noticed But I’m not the only one

What the actual fuck You’re hot as fuck Has anybody ever told you that Oh, they have? I guess I’m just late to catching on Even though we’ve been circling each other like birds on the hunt But for what

I’m just glad to feel release, like a freed dove Yes, I’m here to fuck shit up Wanna come along? Oh you don’t? That’s alright I’ll just go it alone So why does everyone call this good luck

What the actual fuck Find me stuffed inside a kidnap trunk Of the ones who are jealous Starting to wonder if there are really any good ones I’m not sorry I’m just trying to protect who I love Fuck, what do you all want

“I want you to be just like me” But I’m not even me, I’m just a copy of my sensei I wanted to be just like everyone too But all anyone ever did was say goodbye And no good ones could ever look me in the eye I was smaller than a grain of rice So I just decided to live my own life Quietly

Quietly, I’ve been losing my sanity “But you’re such a rarity” How do I insert the eye roll emoji, lyrically “But you’re so good at this, really” Fuck off, bitch you don’t know me

But I just look up, look up, always Into the eyes of a good one Into the eyes of a god Who always knew he’d get noticed But I’m not the only one

What the actual fuck You’re hot as fuck Has anybody ever told you that Oh, they have? I guess I’m just late to catching on Even though we’ve been circling each other like birds on the hunt But for what

What the actual fuck Everyone wants to call this good luck So why all the protest trucks Everyone can get fucked Even the good ones I’m sorry I’m just trying to protect what I love Fuck, what do y’all want

[opposite-idol]

Sex On the Floor

Why am I so obsessed? Is this all I could get? I deserve more Why do I always feel like this isn’t it? Still living life like a teenager Until I’m reminded that time moves forward Because

Every time I have sex on the floor Just a few hours later I’m so damn sore

Was time wasted? I sure feel like it But I don’t wanna go backwards I only want to keep moving forwards

He says “baby, just forget about it” “No,” I say, “I always want it, in the moment”

Winter fuels my soul I love you, come with me Let’s write a fanfic of Frozen In the snow

And let’s continue to tease what they don’t know Why are they so obsessed? Come on, let’s get dressed Was it good? Hold on, wait, don’t open your mouth I don’t wanna know Sometimes your words so foul But your curses always drive me wild A “fuck” under your breath For this fuck in the bed Hold on, wait, don’t finish yet

No one thought I’d have things to say like this Come on baby, let’s take it public Why are you so obsessed? Yeah, I didn’t know either, That we’d be so good under the covers And even on the surface We’re too professional To not get called a power couple And one day, our kids hair, I’ll watch you ruffle And I’ll fall apart all over again I swear this honeymoon phase, it never ends

It just keeps happening again, and again, and again These butterflies won’t ever leave my stomach Everyone looks at us, thinks we live life like a comic What they don’t know, is we live life like a comic But not the kind with superheroes More like, life’s a joke How did we make it this far Why are my muscles always so sore Damn, probably from all the sex on the floor I’m not so young anymore

And yet Everyone’s still so obsessed I don’t know why you’re all so possessed Is life a joke, or a quest Stop thinking about it in fantasy I’m not your fanfic, I’m a real person Fuck, is this reality Is it real, if it’s also a delusion

Come on, you know he and I are a fusion Is that a strange thing to say I’m always in pain Fuck all my bones And bless all of his Or maybe just the one Hold on, wait Don’t finish yet, I’m not done Let’s come together No matter how much it makes me hurt I want more, and more Always and forever Gotta love that sex on the floor

[opposite-idol]

Untitled (It'll Never Happen)

What if we don’t call it anything “Don’t wanna give it a name” you say

But I’ve got too many feelings, think I’m going insane Heart beating right out of my chest, as if real life were a movie And maybe it’s a movie, “happily ever after” is you and me “But the story’s not over yet,” the haters like to be reminding Apparently, because I haven’t even met them So I don’t even respond, because I don’t give a shit And I like to be mysterious

I also like my odds But just like a race horse, even the smallest thing could throw it all off course But you all know this isn’t my first course Or second, or third, maybe it’s my fourth “May the fourth be with you” I’m not a fan, so I don’t follow But I’ve always been a fan of real people, so I feel you Small things mean a lot Even one day can make a community So then, what’s our one day?

I’m always talking about All the friends who used to always talk about “someday, someday” Now, all they do is complain, complain Is it immature to still be dreaming? I never stopped When everyone was saying “someday, someday” my dreams were all private No one ever knew, it was none of their business But now everyone knows, because I chose to swim to the surface So I get to be myself, which means calling it out when people I’ve never met think they know who I am Babe, we’re not friends But I need you, I need you, I need you If I want to do anything fulfilling, while getting to stay alive But I don’t need to make amends Because we were never friends

I never gave it a name, I couldn’t But when love falls at my doorstep I’m eager to go at any pace you want As long as my boundaries aren’t crossed

But I don’t know the name of any feeling, think I’m going insane Heart on my sleeve, like always Still the same, I’ve never changed Apparently Get with the lazy days, your body is so warm Hang with the busy days, fighting, let’s get done all this hard work They all laugh because from the outside it looks as if I’m just at the start Bitch, it’s been twenty years, what the fuck do you know? I don’t know you, so I don’t even respond Because I like to be peculiar

But I understand, in order to make it, you have to be some percentage familiar But I’m no purebred, I’m a mongrel, and because of that I’m not as expected to have a filter I’m honest, promise I only lie to protect How is it, after 20 years, I’m not yet adept And my juniors are famous I’ve always been a fan, so all I know how to do is follow But everyone is a real person, why is that such a hard pill for some to swallow Even small things can make a community So how do I raise you musically?

I’m always thinking about “someday, someday” Like a race horse, blinders on to block out all the disasters Never complain, “it’s all good” Is it immature to still be dreaming? “Someday, someday” I’m still thinking I never stopped, despite all those who’ve tried intervening But dreams are no one else’s business And now, everyone knows So I finally get to be myself But I still need you, need you If I want to do anything fulfilling, while getting to stay alive But I don’t need to make amends Because we were never friends Please, I’m just trying to thrive Pay me, money makes me feel alive