#at a certain point i didnt even care or feel attachment to this idea but i just wanted to finish it cause it was bugging me. but its ok now

[seavoice]

crazy that it took me a year and a half to write the 6000 odd words needed to wrap this uh, was-supposed-to-be-brief, completely outlined fic, but whatever, it's done yay.

[i-never-forgot]

got hit with the nightshade!shipping brainrot so im gonna ramble off to you about it. this one is a bit long.

over all i think eliana and dusknoir are such a good pair (and probably the best idea you came up with tbh) because of how their backstories and interactions from pre/post betrayal and the life that follows after play out and just how much these two slowly realize how important the other is to them when it all comes to a certain point.

eliana at first fearing dusknoir for reasons she does not know and feeling so weird and powerless with the feeling she has towards him because how can a guy who has been nothing but nice to everyone hide a sinister ploy that can be used against them for later? and even when she finds out later as to why she fears him, and how much she truly cannot bring herself to speak up against him for what she saw, she ends up being twirled around his little finger when he makes her believe just how much he isnt as harmful as she believed. he was like a warm sensation, in a way. a momentary feeling of warmth that made her feel seen when she didnt stand out amongst anyone else in town, much less out of lu's shadow that she willingly chose to stay in. to an extent, he was all the things they mightve said to her. and she bears her heart to him. she believed that he is someone she can confide in, someone she has no reason to fear. and dusknoir holds on gently to that trust.. and rips it to pieces. like drowzee, no good comes out of trusting a stranger with good intentions. and in the end, she believed that she had only herself to blame. she should've stayed away. she should've kept her heart close. because just like with grovyle, and just like with her first partner, she made the rookie mistake of growing attached. and just like everything, it ends up striking her in the heart. and in the years that follow, she is enraged. how dare he make her feel so.. loved? how dare he make her indulge in his affection, his appreciation, and just getting her to feel like she was more than what she saw herself as? and to just prove to her that he didnt care at all, too. but as time follows and when the future trio returns, theres that feeling. that cursed longing, that itching memory that reeks of a mixture between the coating of rose glasses and bitterness. she missed everything that they had. even with dusknoir turning over a new leaf, even with him not even fighting back (almost as if he was ready for that to happen, to atone and act as he is getting what he deserves.) when she unleashes hell and high fury against him, is it really worthy to let the heart make decisions that were proven to be a mistake in the past? is it safe to admit that something good can once more rise from the ashes of a past that haunts you? she doesn't know that. but she wants to believe that. so badly.

and of course, theres dusknoir. how-doo-dee-freaking-doo, dusknoir. i believe i already talked about him and his usage of popularity as a ruse-- a cloak he got way too comfortable with wearing, but its something that i cannot let go unmentioned.

dusknoir just growing more attached that for once in his life, he can appreciated. he can be remembered for something *good*, something that he can look back to. it's good to be remembered, and for how much he knew it was all gonna be over the moment grovyle was gonna get caught before finishing his collectathon, dusknoir has hit his biggest folly, the unspoken enemy in his grand plan. his ego. simply put, he played a bit too much into the act of being a "grand and wise explorer", and it was working because he lived up to the rumors that were surrounding him. a wise, kind explorer who was strong just as his heart was big. he made himself what others saw in him, and he dwelled too far into presenting himself that way that he failed to consider the one possibility he had not thought of.

someone fearing him.

not because it wasnt possible, far from it, but because it created a crack in the crystalline dome he hid himself under, and it showed him just what he needed to be here for. to kill. to exterminate. to prevent a small obstacle from getting in the grand scheme of things. that he should be feared by everyone, because he has the resources and abilities to make them fear him. but thats where it struck him. he didnt want to be feared. he wanted to be loved. it felt good. it felt nice. and in the midst of his endless endeavors to try and present himself as what he is (and what he knows he is not), he tried his hardest to show eliana that he is everything she was told about him. but somehow, there was a lingering feeling of fear in the air. like she knew something he did not. like she felt something about him that would prove that his self presentation was flawed. yet she did not have the willpower to say it, or let alone prove it. but oh, that did not stop him from trying to be what everyone saw him as. going from making her feel seen, making her feel valued and cared for, making her feel like she is an honest-to-god human that deserves to be cared for just like everything else.. only for his self-constructed positive facade to crumble when the pokemon he worked so hard to gain the trust and appreciation of (be it out a desire to prove that he was not dangerous or just because he may or may have not felt something deep down) ended up being the same person who was his second worst nuisance from so long ago. yet even with that, he had no issue with playing along, and using the trust he was given as a weapon to end all means necessary. it killed him from the inside out but he would rather die than admit it.

but when he truly ended up 'dying', only for that end to be graciously stolen from him? oh, he was so scared. because he saw the face of the person he had hurt so much in every single part of the world around him. from the trees, to the ground, and to the mountains above. phantom blood graced his hands, and it never washed off no matter how hard he tried to wash it away. he became her sun, and he ended burning her under his own hands. and he slowly burned himself in the process, too. he was afraid, when he had no reason to be.

and now, here he was. back in the future. the world changed. old faces went and departed, new ones filling their spots. for how much he worked on to be better and be the 'great' person he was told to be, he knew she will never see him that way. she sees right through him, thick and thin. he isnt fooling her, much less anyone but himself. and part of him knows it. he doesn't deserve to be here, forgiven and happy amongst those who see him for what he is today than he was in the past. and between his desires to truly be happy with himself, and make it up to her.. he knows that what was done was done, and it feels so bad. for how much he wants everything to go back to how it was with her.. he will need to go through peaks and valleys before she will let him get a centimeter closer. the idea is silly, and even impossible to begin with.. but he has to try. he wants to make amends, and be what he failed to be. for her, for everyone, and for himself.

tldr the leaf fox and the big ghost man make my head hurt. anyways sorry for the literal wall of text once more. needed to get this out of my system

Me, seeing this right after I woke up: Yeeesssss😈I am going to be chewing on this all day long lol

THE CRANE WIVES LYRIC YOU SLIPPED IN THERE?! I AM SOBBING

You’re so on the money with her conflict on the matter. She sees, as time goes on, that Dusknoir really has changed; her conviction of him still hiding something or plotting against them finishes every time she sees him doing something that wouldn’t amount to anything regarding a sinister ploy. She tries to reason with herself that he has done such things before, like saving her and Lu in Amp Plains, but she has to acknowledge that felt…different. (Because it was. It wasn’t done out of strict benevolence, he did that bc he genuinely feared for her and Lu’s well-being. No motivation beyond him not wishing to see them come to harm. Ironic, that.) But as she becomes less certain of his new intentions, the more she wonders about whether his affections has ever been genuine. Was there a point where he suspected her true identity and played along to trap her? How much of what he said and did was truly sincere? Why would he waste his time helping her so much if all he was after was to kill her?

Her curiosity, again, is really what does her in and breaks down her initial set of walls. She asks him bluntly to give his side of the story. He gives it willingly, regret and guilt lacing every word. She doesn’t accept it outright, but it’s a start, too at least know what her thought about it and what happened. This reduces some of her outright animosity towards him, but she by no means trust him at this point. She’s still angry and bitter (and hurt), but it’s a start. She sees that even he is capable of change and has been working towards going so, harder than she would ever have expected of such a coward. (She doesn’t realize that it’s mostly for her.)

“HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE FEARED. HE WANTED TO BE LOVED.” SAY IT LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK!!!

Eliana made him want so much more. Earning her trust felt like the best kind of reward he’d (n)ever gotten, and at some point along the way he stopped trying to maintain his personage and started just…being with her, for her. He got greedy, he thinks. He should never have tried to invest in something so personal, and his punishment was finding out who she truly was. It only affirmed, in the moment, that he would never be able to hang onto anything good for himself. And what made it worse was that after that point he still had to play along, act as if he was unfazed by the inevitability of her execution. And, despite himself and his inner turmoil, the torture he was enduring trying to rationalize with himself that he had no choice (but did he? could he change his mind? no. but Eliana…no. he couldn’t stop now. could he…?) He placated her and indulged himself and it only hurt the both of them in the long run.

And Dusknoir working himself to the bone to make amends and reparations for everything he’d done, but having to wait tortuous, agonizing, anxiety-riddled years for her to return to the future—having worked himself up for the confrontation when they initially returned to Treasure Town and finding her not there being such a bittersweet mixture of emotions—so he can finally finish his self-appointee redemption, to be met with such utter opposition that doesn’t seem to budge no matter what he does. He knows he doesn’t deserve her forgiveness, least of all her understanding, and he by no means uses acts of kindness as a way to win her over (bc it was ultimately rendered to amount to nothing after his betrayal, all his past actions made moot), but that’s all he knows how to do—to offer himself, his hands and his knowledge, his undying servitude—and he struggles with a vicious cycle of her rejection since she sees his efforts as things done in vain, paled and worthless in comparison to what he did before, and his own acknowledgement of his helplessness and uselessness in the matter. All he’s worth is in what he offers others, and that means nothing to her.

Fortunately, Eliana has the habit of pitying the most miserable of creatures. And Dusknoir is the most miserable of them until she finally, finally offers him the faintest sliver of a chance—to explain himself, even if she’s already made up her mind that the ends would never justify his means. So he’s honest—as transparent as he could never afford to be before—down to the last detail. For what little it’s worth, he sincerely cared for her. He wanted her to be happy and to succeed. It was his own folly and cowardice that made him decide to do what he did, to follow through with his plan despite the circumstances having changed—he accepts that responsibility, even knowing it won't change her opinion of him. And she has to sit with that knowledge for a long time before she allows it to alter her opinion of him.

He will be anything she wants him to be. Even if that means that he might have to be nothing to her.

[ireverie]

(same anon who sent that last ask)

YESSS SABRINA WAS SUCH A FASCINATING CHARACTER OMGG! even though we didnt get to see much of her shes so crucial to the plot despite dying a long time before the fic was set like she fr set off a chain reaction 😭

and the way you write characters is so impressive because jakehoon are pure EVIL but you had me somehow feeling BAD for them?? i was lowkey getting emotional in the scene where sunghoon was "sacrificing" himself for jake because i didnt know hed escape LOL

i absolutely adored the way you crafted sunghoon's relationship with sabrina. the way he imagined spending the rest of his life or at least multiple years with her and not wanting to kill her until he had to because she found out his secret omg.. he really did care for her even if it wasnt conventionally and more in a serial killer fasination type of way such as letting her be with him for the rest of her life (absolute genius btw) but also fulfilling her final wishes for her son, and i think that sunghoon showing his affection in his own twisted and fucked up ways was a MASTERPIECE and you should be incredibly proud of yourself like yes YOU did that‼️

i think part of the beauty of your writing is how conflicted you make the reader feel. i mean i personally felt bad for jake when he had to see his mother get raped and killed when the last thing on her mind was him. plus describing the things jake had to witness as a child makes you think that mayyybe hes not a bad person because he was conditioned to think in certain ways. but THEN you remember that his form of retaliation was killing and raping another woman to "get back" at sunghoon and he actually is a bad person and then you feel guilty for feeling sorry for him. its a constant switch between "its not his fault!" and "at this point he needs to take responsibility" and i actually found it very amusing because we KNOW jake is not a good person at all and yet we cant help but sympathise for him. along with the internal conflict i also love

and ANOTHER thing is that rereading sexcapade/dylidl was a completely different experience while knowing what would happen in the future. it might make me look strange but i found it funny that mc is so romantically attached to sunghoon and imagines a future with him because she has absolutely no idea whats in store for her..

okok FINALLY i just have a question - if you havent thought about it feel free to ignore but what do you think about jakes future? do you see him staying in contact with sunghoon and continuing to help his dad or do you imagine them taking separate paths now that sunghoon has to go in hiding? and if jake doesnt stay in contact with hoon, do you think he would leave the life of killing people behind him especially after seeing what happened to sabrina since his last murder was just to get back at his dad or do you think he would continue to rape and kill women?

(im fully took advantage of your welcoming of long asks LMAO i actually am obsessed with the series and i havent fully processed what i just read because it changed my life 😓)

stopppp i dont even know what to say 😭😭😭😭😭 THE!!!! CONFLICT!!!!!!! it’s like… jake never had a real chance at normalcy lol his mom got killed when he was 5 by his deranged serial killer father so ofc you wanna feel bad for him, but then homeboy grows up to be just as sick dhdhdhshjdhshh i dont know if i mentioned this in the fic? probably not but jake is kinda like a younger sunghoon? in the past, sunghoon was very impulsive/reckless (as evident in the way he killed martina). and jake reacts to literally everything on impulse 😭

there is a big difference too, though. i literally do not remember what i wrote but i’ll just say this anyway in case it was never mentioned. sunghoon likes the act of killing (strangling particularly). it gets him off, it makes him feel a spark. strangling someone to death is kind of intimate, if you will, considering 1) how much time/effort it takes and 2) the fact that he gets to literally feel his victim take their last breath. that part is electrifying to him. it’s mostly about the physical part.

but jake? i wouldn’t say that jake particularly likes killing. he doesn’t have a compulsion to kill like sunghoon does. when he attempted to kill christine, it was bc he was angry asfk and literally couldn’t stand her. when he killed dr. lee, it wasn’t necessarily all that personal; he wanted to get back at his dad (i told you guys before but jake is petty AS FUCK in this series lmfaooo). jake’s desire to kill comes from a place of deep-seated rage that festers over a period of time.

that said, he very much is capable of killing for other reasons. jake enjoys inflicting psychological torture. he doesn’t need to kill them; he would be perfectly fine with just watching them lose their fucking minds lol. the main reason i don’t say no to him becoming a serial killer is that like his father, he will get bored of his victims, and need to replace them, but it’s not like he can have the victim walking around with the memory of what he did. so yeah, he would have to eliminate them!!!!!

as for whether or not hoon and jake stay in contact, i don’t really think they would… it’s not that jake wouldn’t want to, i just think that sunghoon would avoid having direct contact with him because it’s better if they don’t (legal stuff). i do think, however, that he would have heeseung keep an eye on him though :))

[trans-leek-cookie]

wanted to say i appreciate u taking the time to engage w my asks nd share ur thoughts, i do like to read these kinds of discussions on here. i will say i was being a coward and using evasive language wrt kui’s writing (even though on anon) bc i didnt want to come in as an opinionated rando in ur inbox but since youve expressed ur opinion i wanna say that i agree that it is honestly real disappointing that kui wrote the orcs that way. i see so often the argument that her writing is heavily influenced by the uhhh Founding Fathers of high fantasy (tolkien like u mentioned) as if that excuses it but it is so fcking annoying seeing the same exact racist anti indigenous take on orcs recycled and reused as if it has to be this way. like why r we perpetuating actual racist dogshit when its Fantasy which means we can literally make up whatever we want. ik why but its annoying. and i get how ppl tout dumeshi as being a cut above whats usually popular on social media but this series is still egregious w the way certain things are portrayed and itd be yknow nice if ppl more readily acknowledged (or even recognized) its flaws. anyway thx again was neat reading ur thoughts. have a good week 💟

yea I get it. I think it's smthn most ppl, esp ppl of color who aren't subject to antiblackness, colorism, and similar issues have to be careful with bc we need to not speak over the ppl who are really affected by the stuff but at the same time it's not something we can ignore- it comes down to finding and boosting other ppls voices and not letting these kinds of things go unchecked without overreaching.

It's really smthn like. At some point you just have to bite the bullet and stop trying to justify the authors bad decisions- and I think it helps to remember that morality and quality aren't inherently connected- though morality will definitely affect how things appeal to you (like if I learn an author has shitty views, that's gonna be in the back of my mind when I read their work- nothing about their writing has changed, just how you perceived it)

It's really like. The phrase that comes to mind is "kill your darlings", and while that's a different Thing, i feel like the core idea is similar? In that sometimes you have to get rid of a part of your creation that you're attached to but doesn't help your overall work. Like, at some point you have to say "I enjoy how this writer crafts characters and plot, but they still have a lot of racist ideas they need to unlearn" (esp when it seems like theyre in the process of unlearning racist shit- it's not something you can ever be really done with, so you need ppl to understand that theres always progress to b made).

Dungeon Meshi is good, but we gotta acknowledge the flaws or they're just going to be reproduced in future works and that fucking sucks

[see-the-fandom-imagines]

I knew it

Summary: Carla makes fun of asks Perry about his new crush.

Pairing: Perry Cox x Reader

Word Count: 669

Warnings: None, really

A/N: Been a while since I posted so anything, so let me start it off in a niche. Feel free to request if you like it!

not my gif "Morning, (y/n)!"

"Morning, Carla! Dr Cox."

Perry Cox nodded and send a small grin to the woman who had greeted him, before closing his eyes in frustration and letting his head hang low. He didnt like those very confusing feelings he had caught for (y/n) in the slightest.

"Ha-ha, someone has a cru-ush", he heard Carla sing, obviously trying to mock him.

"Oh, please", he replied straightening his back again and crossing his arms. "You can’t possibly think that. First of all, she’s a resident and the simple fact that she hasn't killed anyone... yet! Has given her a bit more, well, I don’t want to call it respect, so let me call it... I might want to kill her a little less than certain other residents." In the background he heard the clatter of fallen down equipment and didnt even bother to turn around, knowing that it would just be another resident, stealing him his last nerve. "Point proven", he said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever", Carla simply replied, still giving him a suspicious, smiling look.

He clenched his jaw. He knew she didn’t believe him and of course he couldn’t just let it go. "Even if", he tried to save the last bit of his pride as Carla seemed not to believe a word he said. "What would someone like her want from a forty-something year old guy, other than maybe already keep an eye out for nursing homes, cause I'm not sure of many things, but I am sure that I am old enough to be in one of them soon, but yet unfortunately not old enough for a bunch of young girls just waiting to marry a rich old guy who will hopefully die very soon, so despite the fact that you are clearly joining me there too, soon", that had earned him a deadly gaze from Carla, but he ignored it simply rambling on, "cause I can only assume your eyesight and maybe also your mind has weakened if you assume I had a crush on her or that she could be in any slightest way ever interested in me."

Carla remained unimpressed and simply raised an eyebrow. "You done?"

He wet his lips and nodded. "Yeah pretty much." "Well, the only thing I know", Carla started leaning in towards him to lower her voice slightly, "is that everytime I see you two, she is sneaking you glances and every time (y/n) turns around, you are checking her out, if you want to admit it or not."

"Oh come on, that's simply not true!"

"Carla?", he suddenly heard (y/n)'s voice behind him. Immediately he turned around towards her, also a little bit worried that she might have heard bits of their conversation. But she was simply picking up a badge from the ground and although he knew he was just proving Carla's point and that he really shouldn't be one to stare, he couldn't avert his gaze from her. She got back up, holding up a nurse’s badge. He was still looking at her, taking in her (e/c) eyes and (h/c) hair, his eyes following her as she approached as if he might not get the chance to look at her this intently ever again.

"Is that your badge?", she asked, and he saw Carla smile at her out of the corner of his eyes.

"Yes, thank you, (y/n)! Wow, I really have absolutely no idea how that ended up on the ground". And with a slight smile she attached her badge back to her shirt, while (y/n) smiled at him one last time, making him grin back like an idiot, before she turned around and left to take care of her patients.

"Ha-ha, I knew it." That sing-songey voice again.

"Good play", Dr Cox admitted simply, his grin fading into a snarl, but as usual, Carla wasnt even the slightest bit scared of him and just turned around, going back to work and leaving him standing there to think about what just had happened.

[thechangeling]

Be wise enough to wonder. Be brave and let it go.

Mark had no idea what time it was when he was woken up by the sound of his daughter crying. He heard an exhausted groan beside him as Cristina moved to pull herself up. Mark put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"No it's alright," he whispered, his voice hoarse from sleep. "I'll go."

Two months ago Cristina had given birth to their first daughter. Her name was Gianna She was the biological product of Kieran and Cristina with her pointy ears and blue hair that changed with her moods, and Tina's chestnut coloured eyes and copper skin. But the trio fully considered her to be theirs. Blood was unimportant.

Mark was half asleep as he stumbled his way down to the room they had set up Gianna's crib in. He missed Kieran and he knew Cristina did as well. Kier was currently stuck in Faerie with his royal responsibilities. Cristina and Mark were visiting the LA institute to help with a recent uptake in demon activity around the area. It was amazing to see his siblings again (minus Ty, he was in Devon visiting Kit since the two of them were now dating long distance.) However he knew it was strange for Gigi to be sleeping in an unfamiliar environment.

Hence lots of crying.

Mark heard his daughter's crying getting softer as he came to the doorway. He could also hear another voice, cooing to her, calming her down. As he got closer he could see it was Helen. Mark smiled at the sight of his big sister gently rocking his daughter in her arms.

"Thank you" he whispered, trying not to startle her or wake Gianna. Helen was wearing her sleep clothes, with her hair tied back. There were also very prominent dark circles under her eyes.

"You should get some rest" Mark said as forcefully as he could without raising his voice. "Seriously you look exhausted Len, hand her over and he back to bed." Helen just gave him a stern look. The one that she used to use when he was trying to sneak extra cookies as a kid, or the first time she caught him trying to come home past curfew after being out at a downworlder party that he was way too young for.

The funny thing was that even though Helen had started calling Eleanor "mom" around the age of 8, Mark had never been able to do it. It had absolutely nothing to do with an attachment to his birth mother. He barely remembered her. Maybe it was because he had always had someone looking out for him since day one, and that person wasn't Nerissa or Eleanor.

And it certainly wasn't his father.

I think you're punishing yourself, is what Helen had told him one night. You're punishing yourself for being different, so you won't let yourself get attached.

Helen placed Gigi back in her crib and put her hands on Mark's shoulders. "Sweetheart you are more exhausted then I am" she reprimanded him gently. "You and Cristina both need help and I'm more than happy to do it." Mark put his hand over hers, gripping onto Helen to avoid passing out.

"She has Kieran too remember?" He insisted firmly. "Just because he isn't here right now doesn't mean that he's not her dad too." Helen's eyes widened.

"Oh no! No that wasn't what I was saying at all." She said frantically. Her voice was starting to slur a little like she was drunk. She really needed to go to sleep. "I was just trying to be useful you know? Like I always used to when we were younger."

Mark knew what she was referring to. When the twins were born, in order to help out Eleanor and their dad, Mark and Helen starting taking care of them so their parents could get more sleep. Julian was still very young, only two, so it was up to them as the older siblings to step up.

Livvy was a relatively easy baby. She cried when she was hungry or needed changing, and then she was fine. She was pretty good at sleeping through most of the night as well. Ty on the other hand was not. When he was drinking formula from the bottle he would only ever take a little and then refuse to eat any more. This lead to him always being hungry half an hour later and as a result, not sleeping for very long.

The family would take shifts when looking after the twins to avoid being too exhausted. But there were some nights where Ty would just refuse to sleep and nobody knew why. Eleanor wanted to go to the silent brothers, but thankfully Helen had talked her out of it.

He's just different, she had said. It's fine, we will figure it out.

At a certain point Andrew had just refused to try, and Helen and Mark had to step in. Unfortunately these were bad habits of Ty's that seemed to have carried over into adulthood. But at least now he could get up and feed himself at 2 in the morning.

Mark shook himself out of his stupor. "No it's ok. I'm sorry. I just worry about you Len" he murmured. Helen shot him a tired smile. "And I you, brother" she replied, slipping into a very fae way of speaking. Mark turned to look at his little girl, who was still sleeping. Thank the angel.

Thank the gods, his brain supplied.

It was interesting thinking about the way she would grow up. It would be so different from Mark and Helen. Gianna had access to Unseelie culture through Kieran, as well as the privilege of being raised by a full blooded faerie. She was already being read fae stories (accurate ones) and sung fae lullabies. She would be taught fae languages by Kieran and Cristina mostly, because as Kieran loved to point out, he was terrible with languages. She would also be taught Spanish and English when she was older.

She would be raised as a shadowhunter and as a faerie in a better, more understanding world that he was trying to help build. Mark couldn't help but be a little envious of her.

He turned back to Helen who hadn't left, but had sat down on the floor, bracing her back against the wall. He sat down beside her.

"Hey" he whispered roughly. "Do you ever feel like we were robbed?"

Helen looked up at him slightly dazed. Her Blackthorn blue-green eyes were starting to glaze over. "Huh?" She muttered sleepily. Helen rubbed her eyes and cleared her throat, trying again. "What do you mean exactly?"

Mark sighed as he slowly felt all of the thoughts and feelings he usually tried to keep buried. He really didn't want to deal with them. Because if he delt with them then he would have to acknowledge what happened, and acknowledging it made it real.

Something that Magnus always said was that you had to go through the pain and not around it, because going through it was the only way to get over it.

Mark took a deep breath and looked Helen in the eye. "I mean think about it. From the moment we arrived at this institute, our father always talked about how evil and wicked and manipulative our mother was. And yes, I would argue from the sound of things he was probably right, but I was four years old and she was the only faerie I had ever known. So it seemed as if everyone around was establishing a baseline of, Faeries. Wicked. Manipulative. Cannot be trusted.

Helen shook her head "but that's not-" Mark interrupted her. "I'm sorry but I'm not done." Helen sighed and looked to be fighting the urge to roll her eyes, but she didn't protest. "Ok fine. Go."

Mark continued. "And the thing is we were bombarded with that information all our lives. From our instructors, from our father, from our peers. So eventually I think you and I started to believe it Len! I think we started to think of ourselves as evil, and in order to not be evil we had to distance ourselves from being fae as much as possible." Mark's voice was beginning to shake.

Helen shook her head. "No I don't think it was that so much as we were trying to prove that we were real shadowhunters. Me personally, I didnt want to be considered a downworlder because I'm not, I'm a shadowhunter. " Helen explained, but her voice sounded unsure. "I didnt want to be treated differently."

Mark chuckled humorously. "But don't you see? We are different! That is precisely my point, and everyone made us feel ashamed of that. Remember how you used to braid your hair like a faerie until girls started making fun of you and trying to pull it out? And then you started wearing your hair to cover your ears. Did you honestly expect me to believe that you preferred the style, sister?" Mark was trying to keep his voice lowered but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

Helen was silent. There was a pause where neither sibling spoke and then Helen's defeated voice. "I don't want to talk about this Mark." He felt a pang of guilt.

"I know. Forgive me please, it was not my intention to upset you." He spoke elegantly. Helen laughed softly. "You know it's weird how much it comforts me, hearing you talk like that" she said.

Mark smiled sadly at her. "But that's exactly my point Helen. I mean think about it? How much did we give up or refuse to pursue just because we were scared? You know I've been reading far stories to Gianna and some of them are actually really incredible. There are stories about brave female warriors who go on adventures to save beautiful princesses and stories of people who couldn't decide which one if their suitors they liked best, so they just chose them all. They are stories about people like us, written for people like us." Mark could feel himself beginning to cry .

Helen reached over silently and placed her hand on his to comfort him. She looked like she was holding back tears as well.

"Imagine" Mark whispered brokenly, tears running down his cheeks. "Imagine what it would have been like if we read stories like those when we were younger.

Helen closed her eyes, trying to block out tears. "We were trying to keep ourselves safe" she whispered. "It was self preservation."

"It was assimilation" Mark said firmly. "And that really wasn't fair." Helen let out a harsh breath.

"And it didn't even do any good," Mark continued. "They still kicked us out."

Helen laughed in spite of the situation. Then let they weight of the conversation wash over them both, soaking them in despair and self pity.

Helen finally broke the silence.

"You know, she began, Magnus Bane loves to share stories about past shadowhunters in a more accurate way because the Clave's records are usually very white and straight washed, and when Aline and I mentioned potentially adopting a child from abroad, he told us a story about this one shadowhunter Ariadne Bridgestock. Apparently she was a lesbian and in a relationship with Anna Lightwood but she was also originally from India. Her parents adopted her and brought her back to England."

Mark shrugged "So? There's nothing inherently wrong with that." Helen gave him another look.

"Well yeah, but the problem was they didn't let her retain anything from her culture and they didn't give her the opportunity to branch out and learn more. They stripped her of all of that and basically taught her to behave like the typical white British girl." Helen readjusted her position, straightening out her back. "He wanted to make sure that if we ended up with a child who had a different cultural background, we would understand the importance of nurturing that connection" she explained.

Mark nodded "Well yes, but Aline would never do anything like that given how important her culture is to her." Helen was silent for a moment.

"Yeah I know. It's just that I'm not exactly the poster girl for self love and acceptance now am I? She said I'm a self pitying tone.

Mark shook his head. "It's not really the same thing though Len" he reasoned.

"No I know that, but it's similar" she mumbled, tiredness seeping into her tone. "Anyways, that's why I'm so happy Gigi has you and Kieran." Helen finally stood up "Especially you. When she feels like her mom is too much of a shadowhunter to get it, and her dad is too much of a faerie to get it, she has her papa to understand her." Helen said wistfully with a smile.

She extended her hand to Mark and pulled him to his feet. They both stared at Gianna who was moving around slightly in her sleep. "Yeah she will be fine" Helen mused softly. "She's got Cristina to teach her spanish and Kieran to teach her faerie. You can tell her stories about the wild hunt and Cristina can tell her stories about living in Mexico." Helen paused, her expression looking a little sad. "Her life is going to be so different from ours."

Mark felt another pang in his chest as well as the boiling of anger beneath his skin.

"How do we get past this?" He whispered. "How do we deal with this Helen? This anger?"

Helen was silent for a moment. Mark turned to face her and noticed she was shaking slightly. Helen gulped and looked up at him.

"We can't feel sorry for ourselves. That gets us nowhere. We need to confront it and then we need to find away to move past it," she said determinedly. "We need to be brave enough to let it go. We can't change the past but what we can do is try and change the way we approach this now. I know it's hard but we can do it." Helen smiled at him "As long as we have each others backs we can get through this."

Mark nodded. "I know. You're right. I want to keep moving forward. I want to learn more, discover more. I want to figure out who I really am." Mark spoke steadily. "The things that happened when we were younger were horrible," he felt his voice breaking again. "It's painful, but we can't just stay on our knees. We have to move on or it'll consume us."

Mark took Helen into his arms and hugged her tightly. She sniffled lightly, wrapping her arms around him. Mark let out a sigh.

"It's ok," he whispered. "I've got you, you're not alone."

You are not the only.

Be wise enough to wonder, be brave and let it go.

Nothing is everlasting.

Have mercy on my soul.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

[penzyroamin]

Food and sharing food continues to be a recurring motif in “tied together”. What was your thought process around that? How do you see that connecting to some of the central themes and concepts in the story as a whole? (And, if you would like to go into this, how do you see food and sharing food playing out in the messy au where David will also be cooking but in a completely different context/power dynamic?)

HAHAHAHA! I CAN FINALLY TALK ABT THIS WITHOUT SEEMING LIKE F SCOTT FITZGERALD BEGGING PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THE GREAT GATSBY WAS!!!!!

okay. im calm now.

so for a couple years now i have deeply and secretly loved the concept of food as a symbol for community. i didnt use it in fic for a long time for a variety of reasons. one, it just never really felt right. two, my love of this symbol is very much connected to my southern-ness, and while im sure many people have just as strong, if not stronger connections between food and community, i didnt really know if people reading my stuff would Get It or connect w it.

i finally decided to use it for tied together for two reasons. first, this is my most definitively southern fic. ive written other fics with Humid Small Town Energy but this is my first that i really let myself go “fuck it. crawfish boils. hurricanes. middle aged women with crushes on jim cantore.” as such, it felt like if i was going to go for this symbol at any point, it needed to be with this fic. the second is that due to Pandemic and also living across the country from the majority of the family i grew up with, i have been kind of starved of community experiences as of late. i wrote tied together entirely during a period when i havent spent time with anyone besides my immediate family, so i was really thinking about community and the nature of it and how fucking badly i wanna have a massive meal with people and hence... this symbol

with the background of my decision to include it covered, let’s get into how it appears in tied together!!

in chapter one, the majority of food’s appearances are... impersonal, if that makes sense? its all premade, whether its drive-through stuff, tv dinners, etc etc, and he doesnt know the person who made it. its also worth pointing out that around the time jack and his mom stop sharing meals is the point they become disconnected from each other. essentially, that’s the disconnect from community throughout jack’s early life

davey comes around and it. is pretty obvious from the start that, through this symbol, he is the Literal Embodiment Of Connection To The People Around Him. food was a really key way for me to show just how connected he is to his community-- he’s constantly cooking for other people, working for battalion, helping people get good food, contributing recipes to little cookbooks. the end chapter also nods to this in the scene w his family where esther mentions he made her teach him to cook for a group, and the conversation afterwards where he mentions that he wouldn’t be comfortable with people paying him to make them food or making food for strangers. cooking for other people is essentially davey’s way of nurturing the community around him and becoming closer with people, so to make food in an impersonal way goes against everything he knows about food and sharing it. the interactions he has through food represent the larger relationships and interactions he has within his community. juxtaposed to jack, he’s built this little world around him filled with people that he loves and cares for, even if that does lay a heavy burden on him at points. if i ever write something delving deeper into davey in this au, i’ll elaborate further-- but, essentially, davey’s role as The Provider of food for the people around him was a real stand-in for the way that he feels both within his family and his larger community.

think of it this way-- in all the scenes we see with davey cooking at a large event-- i.e., the crawfish boil-- he’s always pushed off to the side by that. there’s usually someone talking to him or checking in on the food, but he’s not able to be engaged in the larger hubbub and discussion of the party because he’s busy. it’s in providing food for people and sharing that with him that he gets fulfillment out of the experience. in his family, we see that davey is a little bit isolated. he was growing up at the exact time when mayer’s alcoholism was getting worse and hitting its peak, and he left before mayer ever really managed to get very far into recovery. his time in their house, essentially, was a lot of heavy lifting and few moments of solidarity and joy. he loves his family, of course, it’s just a very labor-intensive process. and then, of course, he has a similar experience to what a lot of southern marginalized people feel-- this intense need to care for and better your community when your community very frequently doesn’t care for you. davey has absolutely zero capacity for apathy in this au, and it definitely shines through with this whole dynamic. he works SO HARD to care for people, even if he isnt always able to fully enjoy being around them and being loved by them

and then, of course, you have the way davey and jack interact through this motif-- davey teaches jack how to cook, gives him a cookbook, invites him over for meals, etc etc. sharing that with him essentially represents welcoming jack into his community as a whole, and giving him a place there. jack mentions davey “clearing a spot at the table” for him, and that’s both literal and figurative.

additionally, while davey uses food as a way to bring jack into his community, jack also makes davey a little less isolated. in a lot of the scenes in chapter 5, theyre cooking together, in a very domestic, symbiotic sort of way. i wanted this to demonstrate how jack relieves some of the burden davey puts on himself and exists sort of Within davey’s bubble rather than just reaping the benefits

i also wanted to illustrate with this how jack repairing his relationship w food keys into this. obviously we have the disconnect that he has early on where his unfamiliarity w what he eats and who makes it represents a larger disconnect between him and the people around him, but jack does also absolutely use food as a coping mechanism and a crutch. not to get, again, TOTALLY gatsby here, but he’s chasing that sense of community and belonging and understanding in the wrong places. it’s once he begins to actually make food for himself and understand the process of it and be able to carry something through to completion that he’s able to actually Enjoy food, yknow? i wanted that to mirror the way throughout the earlier parts of his life that he tried to kind of slap up temporary relationships and make do with that. 

side note about jack and food: jack has undiagnosed adhd (and some vague comorbidities rip) in this au, and his experiences with it i preeeetttty heavily lifted from my life and my special brand of fucked in the head. (for those of you who don’t know, carb and sugar cravings are a symptom of adhd, hence why food is often a coping mechanism for us fhskdhs). cooking and baking are processes that have REALLY helped me get a handle on myself-- it gives me an outlet for movement and stimulation, and its something that i can carry through till the end and get an actual end product that i can recognize and benefit from. plus, real time consequences if i let something do whatever for ten more minutes! so thats another element i added to the way that jack builds healthier coping mechanisms over time-- he moves away from food as a crutch and instead develops a new form of CREATING that gives him an outlet and a feeling of productivity

those are some Vague thoughts. i will probably elaborate in the future!

now, for the messy au, rather than food symbolizing community, i chose to have it represent vulnerability.

a quick review: jack married rich, and davey is jack’s new wife’s cook. on his wife, dorothy’s part, i wanted this to shine through in this squeaky clean, pristine image that a lot of rich people try to craft. she never cooks for herself, never pays much attention to davey, never draws attention to him. in essence, she is creating as few weak spots as possible-- she refuses to be vulnerable to the people and the society around her.

with davey, however, his and his family’s livelihood depends on him cooking for this woman, and later for her and her husband. he’s forced into this position of extreme vulnerability and weakness by his financial situation, and cant really regain his sense of privacy or self because of that. its also a point in this story that he has very little time or wherewithal to cook for his FAMILY. so, his job forces him into a vulnerable situation with complete strangers who hold an upper hand over him but denies him the opportunity to be vulnerable with his own family, only reinforcing this idea that he is the protector and the provider and as such cannot have weak spots and cannot, under any circumstances, break

it also really highlights the difference between jack’s relationship with his wife vs with davey and smalls-- all the scenes of he and dorothy eating together are in grand, fancy rooms, with a certain amount of pomp and circumstance and dignity attached. with davey and smalls, though, he’s usually in the kitchen, having conversation, enjoying their company, helping them with menial things. that’s an environment that he’s used to and comfortable with, the kind of relationships and interactions he grew up with, while the stuffiness of his life and interactions with dorothy are entirely less vulnerable and close

that’s just a brief overview, but its something to look for when i finally finish the fic! it definitely started as a very soapy sort of thing, but my damn instincts pushed me to delve deeper into the characters and their relationships and the fucked-up-ness of it all. so, here we are

i really hope this helped!!!! this is not organized AT ALL so please tell me if there’s anything else you wanted to know or any details you noticed

[kendrixtermina]

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[meepdrawartgood]

Oh PLEASE tell me about your Dimentio past headcanon.

clasps my little gremlin hands together

ALRIGHT! SO! lets start with that first picture

this would be what he looked like for most of his life if i could draw smoke properly. he was created almost 3 to 4 trillion years ago through means not even he remembers as an immortal trickster spirit sort of thing, whose sole purpose was to just bring people misery through pranks and japes and such. he was Very Smol and didnt have a lot of powers or complex emotions(on purpose, so we wouldnt turn on his creator). heres a lil babby dimentio that i drew today that looks a lot more like smoke than the first draw

this lil guy acted sort of like a fairy, playing mean jokes and just being a tiny jerk for about 3 to 4 trillion years until about 4,000 years before the events of super paper mario

then he found someone that, no matter what mean things he did to them, treated him nicely and welcomed him as a friend. he started feeling emotions he wasnt made to feel, like love, guilt, admiration, attachment, etc, and of course he was scared as shit because he had no idea what was happening to him, so he stayed with the person as they grew old.

when they finally died, he was...upset. all these emotions he wasnt supposed to feel came boiling up at once, his powers went haywire, and he just...exploded. kaboom from the inside out. since he was immortal of course it didnt kill him, but it left him horribly weak and injured.

soon enough a certain Ancient magician found him and took him in, nursing him back to health and giving him a stable, more solid form, and then took dimmy under his wing as his apprentice.

yes the similarity to count bleck is intentional, since the tribe of darkness was originally part of the tribe of ancients, and dimentio got his stable form from the Ancients

for 1,000 years he was trained as one of the magician's apprentices, and learned to hone his current powers as well as temporarily give himself new ones. he was accepted into Ancient society and most of the time wore his hood up to look more like them

then the magician began studying the dark prognosticus and began his work on the pixls. dimentio himself helped create the first pixl, the Pixl Queen, but when he saw how hurt she was by this and learned that the magician had used his own sickly daughter to create her, he wasnt happy. but he never expressed this, and pretended to stay on the side of the Ancients when the war began.

the Ancients needed a way to fight the pixls, and the magician finally came to dimentio...with a mask in his hands.

the mask was a last ditch weapon the magician had made many years prior in case of a dire emergency. it provided the wearer with extraordinary power, but permanently fused to them. dimentio agreed and put the mask on, and it fused to him, becoming the mask he wears in the game (have i mentioned that my dimentios mask is his actual face and also his weak point i dont think i did).

he was sent out into battle as an undefeatable, brainwashing resistant tank to destroy the pixls' forces. but, with a pixl in his hands, so vulnerable and easy for him to kill right then and there, he remembered what the magician had done, and how hurt the pixls were. and let it go.

and turned on the people who had cared for him.

he wiped out the squadron of Ancient soldiers he had been protecting and fled to the pixl queen's castle. the pixl queen could easily see his true intentions of not hurting pixls with her mind reading, and took him in as her most trusted soldier. he was defeated when the hero and 12 original pixls came to kill the queen, and after waking up to find out she was dead, he fled, and it was only a few hundred years of wandering before he encountered a freshly turned count bleck

and the events of the game were set in motion.

[dahniwitchoflight]

Alrighty, Finished page 14 of Meat so far

I gotta say, Im really not having the same opinion as apparently everyone else on these epilogues

I’m really enjoying them, I think theyre great delves into the characters they are exploring, interesting and makes-a-lot-of-sense directions for each of them to go, i have a few nitpicks here and there, like maybe Jade’s doggyness didn’t need to be quite so emphasized hormonally, but her own natural teenage hormones and they was she pressuring Dave and Karkat to give her an answer so she doesn’t feel like she’s constantly being put on hold and not allowed to have her own solid relationship, not allowed to have someone she can call her significant other until they decided to give her a straight answer yes or no we’ll date you, so she’s forced to get her needs met with flimsier relationships to try and sustain her need to love affection and well hormones yeah

she doesn’t want to do that, she makes it pretty clear she wants to have a solid relationship with the people she loves and to affirm that, but the people she cares about dont want to do that with her, dont either want to commit to her or commit to telling her no its not gonna be that way, just constantly keeping her on hold for whenever they feel like doing things together with her

and the doggyness affecting Jade slightly i dont care for that much anyway, because it was gonna have to come up/be explained in some way one day anyway, and its not like without them she wouldn’t have been having sexual relationships at all

And then Jane being the way she is is, really understandable to be honest. As of right now, she really isn’t a xenophobic practically trump rebuplican everyone has been making her out to be (though she might be in the future who knows? im only on meat 14)

her main Yikes points are:

She has a distrust of specifically alternian society, and doesn’t want trolls to devolve into that if that is “naturally” how theyre supposed to be

(she doesnt know that isnt natural for them, because it was natural for everyone in her friend group who is a troll, Karkat and Kanaya think alternian society is natural troll society too)

Dave and Karkat and Jade even talk about and bring the unpalatable parts of alternian society, like it not unjust to think alternia is unjust

Honestly they just need more interaction with beforan trolls to set that straight, its not a perfect society either mind you but its much more humanly palatable and would at least seem more reasonable to Jane

Jane does also have a few self aware moments, where she tries to self-regulate and tries to readjust whether something was actually problematic or not in the privacy of her own home, in her own head, with nothing to prove to anyone, she doesn’t come to perfect conclusions sure, but shes honestly doing better than most 23 year old white girls raised on pure capitalism (again, im only as far as Meat 14, i know theres 30 something more meat to go and that might change)

And then she makes an offhand comment about why the consorts even have votes anyway like its ridiculous

and guys, be honest, it honestly kind of is. Like i get that they are sentient beings that should have the ability to decide their own fates and thats the just way of viewing it.

But they arent a natural species. theyre game created constructs, with set levels of intelligence, passion and set interests and theres not a lot of variety between different salamanders

Theyre very very advanced AI, with really realistic programming. Theyre even flesh real.

But theyre essentially hordes of samey walking talking plush toys in reality, its not a stretch for Jane to view them the same way, especially because in their session she didnt have any consorts, they were all dead

and you can bring up Roxy, but Roxy straight up says she likes living with the carapacians because theyre familiar and simple and not at all like the troll or human cities

then finally yeah she starts out trying to manipulate Jake sexually, and thats never a good look for her, but they make it pretty clear pretty quick that it becomes genuine for both of them, and Jake was taking an active role, genuinely thinking of her as beautiful and desirable in there, unlike the other lollipop influence time in canon

he just bails due to gay panic in the middle, and jane is realistically embarassed and stressed about opening up that much to someone in a vulnerable situation only to have them leave you in the dust

i think my point is made, there’s honestly tons of really good character stuff in meat and im really enjoying reading it

fingers crossed it kinda stays that way?

(and at the end of the day, i totally get if other people don’t like these character expressions for certain characters, but to me, they all feel extremely “in character”

maybe this is because when reading homestuck i didnt really focus on character all that much? im a pretty pure mechanics and sburb girl? i didnt make headcanons or get attached or got ideas, i kinda just, took what was handed to me when it came to characters? i didnt even really ship all that much, I think Terezi is my only exception, i got attached to Terezi a lot, i have opinions about her character, but thats pretty much it)

[gaydinobots]

swooplock!!!

THANK U im gonna just. do every category because i havent talked abt them in a hot minute so obviously! its time to go ham

under a read more because wow. wow this is so long. im so sorry 

their first impressions 👁swoop thinks grim is pretty hot but to be fair. thats a fact. i think he respects grim just because grimlock is like. strong. he would want to know him more he feels like theyd vibe. grimlock thinks swoop seems fun, no special feeling or anything. hes drawn to him a lil but not because of looks (if anything hed find swoop more cute in a weird, ‘this persons objectively not attractive but i cant stop noticing them’ kind of way) . basically they like each others vibes 

their first date 🕯i think i made a joke tweet a long time ago that theyd probably have a date in a junkyard or something as their first date BUT tbh. i think they probably did go to like…a bar for their first date!! swoop drinks more than he can handle to impress grimlock and even tho grim tells him to lay off he thinks its cute hes trying so hard (grimlock pays for Everything) 

their first kiss 💋THINKING ABT THIS MAKES ME EMBARRASSED OH MY GOD………..ok swoop initiates the kiss impulsively, it probably happened on one of their first dates, and he didnt think much of it. grimlock thought abt it a lot longer than he expected to (it all worked out in the end)  

an inside joke they share 🃏they make fun of slug getting mistaken for a heterosexual by every lesbian he knows…………i think swoop would probably bring up anything dumb grimlock has said too but u see grimlock loves him so he just laughs it off 

a recurring fight they get into ⛈they dont rly fight fight because max dinos 3 proves swoop can only stay mad at grimlock for all of 5 whole minutes. i think they fight over grimlock getting too overprotective when they were starting out but theyve been together long enough to like. be more mature abt handling it!! 

their love languages 💞i think grimlocks highest one would be touch!! idk why im attached to affectionate touchy grim but i feel like he just likes to hold his partners….whether its straight up cuddling or just a casual hand slung over a shoulder. swoop is more of a quality time kind of guy!! i dont think they rly do gift giving often BUT theyre do a lot of nice stuff for each other instead. grimlock also rly isnt into like. verbal affection as much as swoop is. swoop is verbal abt his affection but isnt big on being complimented himself. 

how they feel about pda 🌹swoop LOVES pda because hes dramatic and likes to show off sometimes. he needs everyone to know he loves his wonderful bf and show him off!! grimlock isnt so big on the public part but he indulges swoop anyway + he likes being affectionate - its a win/win for him either way

their favorite things about one another ⭐️grimlock clearly has a type for airheads hgkdsf but for real i think he does love how cheerful and upbeat swoop is!! he likes how impulsive swoop can be too because it means he cant predict what he’ll do next….so he’ll find something new to love when he doesnt expect it 😳 (maybe im being a bit mushy here. whos going to stop me? no one thats what) i dont think swoop ever rly put thought into his favourite trait of grimlock or hed just give a superficial answer about it. but his favourite part about grimlock is his more compassionate side + i think he also likes how grim doesnt. particularly care what other people think of him! he thinks grimlock can be rly sweet and is maybe a little proud of the fact hes one of the few ppl that actually get the Whole Grim Experience 

how they would adapt for one another 🍂swoop has to slow down a lil bit for grimlock! he’s naturally high energy which can be overwhelming for grim, so when swoop realises this he starts to make sure that grim can keep up w/ him. he also does try to take things more seriously cause i feel like hed view his whole thing w/ grim as being casual up until a certain point. grimlock on the other hand definitely tries to be more attentive to swoop. grim is naturally just. not rly receptive to people but when he decides someone is worth the effort he goes ALL IN. hes not the best listener or anything but he does try his best to be interested! even if its for little things.

their favorite celebrations 🎃dinobots collective anniversary because they all decided to just lump up their anniversaries into one nice day + slash’s birthday !!!!!!! i think swoop would also like. get jokingly into knowing different species celebration days but he doesnt rly care much for the meanings

their domestic rituals 💆what intricate rituals do they do………………………i mean they WERE separated for most of post war so they dont rly have much material to go off of. i guess fighting is a good bonding activity w/ ur partner so you end up resting together at night………they definitely cuddle Quite A Bit, swoop and grim also allocate a specific amt of time to swoop gossiping abt something or laughing at other people…im bad at this part OOP 

their family and friends’ opinion ⚖️in an ideal world the dinobots (minus lesbian icon strafe and their daughter slash) r all dating each other in one big polyamorous marriage anyway….the scavengers are very happy that grim’s happy even if krok keeps asking them to stop making out on top of his fridge when he wants engex. misfire keeps planning really weird elaborate date plans which both appreciate even if grim isnt rly sold on shoot shoot bang bang as a date night concept. i keep thinking of a dumb au where the other dynos live and slug is kind mmm because he and swoop are dating and he thinks therell be drama but the spoiler here is that they all have 2 hands so swoopsluglock ends up being the REAL endgame 

their shared living space 🏡the dynos barely have a house half the time in idw oop. i like the idea of them all somehow finding…dinobot island. gay dino paradise if u will. perfect honeymoon destination complete with very nicely heated mud pits 

[philipsgaiamemories]

Gifts from a Would-be King

Fandom: Kamen Rider Zi-O

Relationship: Woz/Tokiwa Sougo

Summary: Christmas is around the corner, and Sougo has everyone crossed off his lift of gifts to buy, well everyone but one certain person

Written for:  My precious Sougo/Woz Anon

Rating: G

Smiling to himself, Tokiwa Sougo leaned into the turn on his bike, gliding easily around the corner. The crisp cold wind blew in his face as he pedaled down the concrete streets, winter obviously in full swing. But the boy didn’t mind, winter meant Christmas was around the corner.  The boys eyes danced seeing the bright hanging lights and holiday decorations all around him as he traveled back home.  It was the boys favorite time of the year, even with everything happening around him.  The attacks, the ‘Other’ Kamen Riders created by the Time Jackers; everything around him should really disturb the peaceful way of the boys life.  But yet, everyone seemed to be in such a cheery mood, giving Sougo a boost of energy.

Tucked safely in his bike’s basket were small gift bags, new tools for his Uncle, and gifts for his new friends.  It wasn’t much, but he found a little hairclip for Tsukuyomi, and a new warm scarf for Geiz.  Sougo made it a point to buy them gifts, hearing what they were going through in the future made the boy king ache to give them a taste of normalcy.

Finally arriving at home the boy parked his bike before racing inside, bags in tow. “Im home~!”

Calling out, the brunette made a beeline up to his room hearing his Uncle callback a warm greeting. Yep, Sougo was so ready for Christmas to arrive…well…almost ready.

“Ah! My King!”

Gasping, Sougo stopped in his doorway, seeing the tall dark haired boy that recently fell into his life standing up from the boys bed.  Reaching up the stranger pulled his hood down, his dark curly hair falling into his piercing chocolate eyes.  

“Woz! What are you doing here?” Sougo quickly shut the door behind him, not wanting his Uncle to hear them, “Is something wrong?!”

Woz flashed his Cheshire smile, full of secrets, but yet a strange sense of warmth.  That smile always took the boy king by surprise, making his heart skip and his cheeks warm whenever he saw it.  Ever since the dark haired boy came into his life, Sougo had felt some strange sort of bond with him.  Not the fact that Woz had insisted he was his, ‘Demon Lord’, but something else… Sougo at first was hesitant to trust the dark haired boy, everything around him happening so fast, learning about his future, the belt being thrusted upon him, and all the fighting.  But quickly that hesitation melted away, the young boy king inexplicably feeling comfortable around him. Sougo believed the boy when he spoke without a second thought; though Tsukuyomi and Geiz didn’t seem to feel the same way. 

With his skill for dramatic flair, Woz bowed chuckling to himself, “Not at all My Demon Lord! I merely came to gaze upon you!”

That laugh made butterflies flutter in Sougo’s stomach, tearing his gaze away from the handsome time traveler.  Nodding his head gently, the boy ‘hmm’, in understanding brushing loose strands of hair out of his youthful face. It was almost overwhelming how much Woz gushed over him, the amount of effort the boy took to help Sougo out, and help him gain new powers to protect people, and become a better Demon Lord.  And the way Woz looked at him...it truly made him FEEL like he was the most important person in the world.  

Shaking his head, the boy tried to push those thoughts away, crossing the room to open a small dresser drawer.  The young boy king could feel Woz’s piercing eyes following him with every step as Sougo slipped the bag of gifts safely inside, hiding them underneath some clothing.  

“My Lord? May I ask what you have there?”

Shutting the drawer, Sougo turned back to his shadow a smile dancing on his lips. “Ah, those are Christmas gifts! I got something for Uncle, Geiz and Tsukuyomi, I figured with what they lived through in the future, they might like a more normal holiday.”

An unreadable expression flickered across Woz’s face as the boy spoke, his almond shaped eyes following Sougo as he moved back across the room.  Did he hear him right? Was the sole focus of his attention buying gifts for such insignificant people?  People who didnt originally show up in his book until recently? What made them so special?!  “How kind of you to consider such people My Lord.”

“Well, a ruler has to be thoughtful towards others!” Sougo said easily, “And I did want to become a kinder Demon Lord!”

Although the boy king kept insisting that he was going to be a kinder version of himself in the future, Woz wasn’t sure what that really meant. Whatever type of ruler the younger version of his King wanted to be, he would support him.  And his insistence on caring for these two time travelers, it was all so frustrating and mindboggling.  

Suddenly, Sougo stopped in his footsteps, his gaze turning away from the taller time traveler, hearing noise coming from out side his door.  The boys dark eyes grew wide, fear creeping up on him, with the idea of his Uncle finding the two of them in his room.  Although Woz has shown up at the shop a few times with fake repair jobs to cover his unusual visits, he had no such excuse right then.  Sougo found himself holding his breath, anxiety filling him until the sounds began to disappear on the other side of the door.

“Ah…That was close Woz, I wouldn’t want Geiz or Tsukuyomi to know we meet like this...Much less Uncle…”          

Sighing softly to himself, Woz pressed his precious book to his lean chest, frustration getting to him. Again with those two… “Well if my Lord does not need me, I shall take my leave-“

Blinking, Sougo opened his mouth, turning around on his heels to stop the boy from disappearing. But he wasn’t fast enough, as he turned around, the spot that the handsome boy stood was now empty, Woz quickly making his exit into the ether.  A frown danced across the boy kings face, disappointment filling the young boy finding himself alone again in his room.  Although, they had not known each other long, Sougo felt a type of comfort with Woz being so close.  Rubbing his arm, the boy’s eyes lingered where his herald stood, loneliness creeping up within him.  This mysterious boy from the future was the only one that encouraged the Sougo to be whatever sort of ruler he wanted to be.  That no matter what type of king the boy ended up being, a horrible Demon Lord, or a kinder Demon Lord, it felt like Woz would always be there to support him, unlike the other two visitors.  They would only stick around if he turned out to be kind…  

But all of this just strengthened the boys resolve, wanting to find the most perfect gift for the attractive time traveler.  

Days passed and time was running out, Sougo had been in and out of stores, staring at coats, scarfs, journals, and a myriad of different little gifts.  But nothing seemed to click with the young boy king, nothing seemed to be a good enough gift.  The time traveler already had a scarf that he was attached too, and what would he new a new journal for? Plus, as much as he felt a bond to Woz, Sougo really didn’t know him.

Sighing, the boy ran his fingers through his hair leaving another store, empty handed and dejected. Running his fingers through his hair, the boy watched his breath turn into a small cloud, evaporating in the night air.  He only had like 3 days until Christmas Eve and still no gift for the handsome stranger. Running his fingers down the cold metal of his bicycle, the boy began pushing it down the street, passing by the small town shops. Gazing into the store front windows, the boys mind wondered anxiety creeping in on him with the deadline approaching.  Maybe he was being fickle with his gift, and over thinking it? Woz would be pleased with any gift that his so called Demon Lord gave him…right?

Suddenly Sougo stopped in his tracks, something bright and sparkling catching his eyes.  Looking over the boy blinked into the store window, watching as a worker in the display began to shift the items around, the glimmering watches catching the lights of the display case.  Wistfully, the young boy king thought about his Uncle and his shop, seeing people happy receiving their watches, walking out with a fond look as they look at their wrists.  Ah, if only he could afford one of these watches for Woz, wouldn’t that have been an amazing gift?

Then, as if lightning struck, Sougo gasped to himself, his eyes growing wide as a thought hit him. Grabbing his bike, the boy threw himself on the cold metal, turning around to head back towards his home, his mind racing.  Was he going to have enough time?      Would his Uncle help?! The student’s heart was racing as he pedaled madly down the streets, the winter air cutting into his face.  Weaving in and out of the crowd, the boy sped his way to his home, racing in the warm house with a wide smile across his lips.  

“Uncle!” Calling out, Sougo kicked off his shoes and made his way through the shop, “Hey are you home?!”

“Sougo?” Poking his head from inside the kitchen, the Kamen Rider’s guardian smiled at his nephew, “What’s with all the excitement?”

The boy began yanking at his jacket, “I need your help with a Christmas gift!”

The next few day went by in a blur, Sougo working on his project between school and homework (what little he did of course).  It consumed him, the boy pouring every ounce of energy he had into his gift, guided by his Uncles careful instructions.  It was hard work, doing this project in secret, knowing at any point his herald could show up and ruin the surprise.  Luckily, because he was with his family Woz was more careful, making himself scarce for the time being.  Until finally it was late Christmas Eve.

The young King-to-be scrambled up the stairs to his bedroom, sneaking away from the festivities. Geiz, Tsukuyomi and his Uncle were all downstairs, drinking hot chocolate and enjoying board games to Christmas music.  Sougo never had such a lively Christmas Eve, a home full of people laughing and carrying on like this. It was warm and everything he could have imagined…he was just missing one thing.

Shutting the door behind him, the Kamen Rider set one final thing up before calling out into the empty room, “Woz!”  

Silence.

“Woz wh-“

“Yes, My Demon Lord?”

Gasping, Sougo turned around on his heels, feeling the soft breath of Woz’s voice against the lobe of his ear.  Blushing hotly, the boy stared up at his tall, dark haired herald, his eyes locking with the boys mischievous gaze.  His heart was racing in his lean chest, suddenly nervous about being in Woz’s presence. Gods, when did he become nervous about being in anyone’s presence?

“I, um, have something for you!”  Sougo said shyly, an eager smile on his face.  Moving over his small desk, the young Kamen Rider slid open a drawer pulling out a small velvet box tied with a small magenta bow.  Running his fingers across the small gift box, Sougo bit his lower lip, nervousness taking over him.

Woz’s voice came out as a surprise gasp, “For...me? My Lord?”

Turning back around, Sougo watched as the ever so poised Woz, stared down at him with wide almond eyes, curiosity shimmering in them.  A rush of excitement coarsed through the boy kings veins seeing the handsome male, normally unshaken with his book of prophecies, surprised by something new. Rubbing his thumb over the soft fabric anxiously, Sougo smiled lightly before holding out the gift box to the other.

“Here you go Woz, Merry Christmas!”

Gingerly, the time traveler took the small gift out of his Sougo’s delicate hand, staring down at it in awe. He couldn’t believe that this Demon Lord had thought about him enough to get him a gift!  Trying not to show his eagerness, Woz carefully adjusted his precious book of prophecies in his arms before going to flip open the top.  

“Ah, I um, I hope you like it!”  Sougo said hopefully, watching Woz carefully as he stared at his gift.  In the box laid a shimmering silver pocket watch, securely nestled within a soft pillow of velvet.  The soft sounds of ticking filled the room as the young boy king saw his handsome shadow touch the cold metal gently over the intricate design of cogs and wheels etched onto the cover.  A similar design to the most precious possession that the time traveler had.

“A…watch, My Demon Lord?” The boys voice was soft and curious, lifting his gaze back to the smaller boy, “Its exquisite but-“

Chuckling to himself, Sougo gently cut Woz off, fiddling with his fingers, “I know, its sort of cliché right? But…”

Woz’s piercing eyes lifted from the gift, his eyes sparkling as he watched his Demon Lord squirm where he stood.  He had never seen Ohma Zi-O so flustered, the King that he knew always confident and unflinching, so seeing his younger version so…vulnerable…made his heart race.

“But?”

“But, this one is unique; this one Woz I remade the insides myself.  Uncle helped me take one that wasn’t working and we spent hours fixing it!”  Rubbing the back of his head, Sougo ruffled his chestnut har sheepishly, “It was my first time doing something like this, Uncle made it look easy…but man it was really hard haha!”

“But now it works like a dream, I hope you like it!”

Sougo watched as Woz’s finger passed across the pattern once again, the sound of a deep breath being let out reaching his ears.  “My Demon Lord, you made this? With your hands?”

Nodding, the young Kamen Rider’s lips curled up into a smile, pleased at how warmly his gift was being received.  Reaching over, Sougo moved besides his tall herald, his finger pressing the button to open up the lid.  The clocks glass cover gleamed in the light of the room, its pristine surface reflecting Woz’s face as he lit up.

“I even had it inscribed, see!”

Pulling the item closer, the tall boy’s almond shaped eyes narrowed as he quietly read, “’To my most faithful Woz: Please continue to help guide my path to becoming Demon Lord’”  

It was sort of embarrassing having heard it out loud, Sougo was never really good at writing something so fancy.  But the boy meant every word of it, and seeing how the dark haired boy’s expression softened, all of his efforts were worth it.  

“My King…Although I am nothing but a herald you got me such a thoughtful gift…”

The boy kings cheeks warmed up, plucking the gift from the boys hand putting it aside before grabbing Woz’s thin wrist.  “I wanted to give you something I worked on myself, something special.”

Although Woz seemed to be completely thrilled at the pocket watch, Sougo had something else in mind. It was time for that surprise that he had set up before he called the tall time traveler to his room.  Woz blinked at him in confusion as they crossed the room, to stand in front of the door, patiently waiting until his Demon Lord pointed up.

“Do you know this tradition Woz?”  Sougo asked shyly, a sheepish smile on his lips.

Tilting his gaze up, Woz saw a small dark green plant hanging above them, “No My-Mmm!”

Before his most faithful subject could finish his sentence, Sougo reached up, his fingers laced behind Woz’s lean neck pulling him down until their lips met in gentle kiss. For a moment there time stopped for the young Kamen Rider, reveling in the softness of Woz’s lips, as his handsome supporter kissed him back softly.  Pulling himself closer, Sougo shivered, feeling the firmness of his heralds body against him, the warmth and muscle.  

“Mmm~ “Suddenly Sougo heard a creak behind him, prompting the boy king to pull away. Panting softly, the young boy blinked his heavy eyes, realizing that they where now pressed up against the door.  Woz stared down at him with sparkling mischievous eyes, a dreamy smile across his handsome face.

“…My Lord!” Woz’s voice was breathless, as he leaned up against the door, pinned to it by the smaller boy king.  “What did I do…to deserve such attention?”

Blushing lightly, Sougo briefly wondered how they got there, not realizing they were moving as they kissed. But, after staring up at the amused gaze of the dark-haired boy, the future king decided that, none of that mattered.

Leaning in again, Sougo brushed his lips against Woz’s once again, hearing his faithful herald sigh happily, “Merry Christmas Woz…”  

[thehappymessproject]

92/100 - On exploring our darkest corners

- On perfectionism and self-sabotage

Last week, I had the worst session I ever had with a patient. I always struggled with perfectionism. I was also raised to keep work as a very high priority. That means that I spent a lot of time over the years trying to be the best possible therapist, even after realising I couldn’t, that no one could. It also implies that having a big crisis at work can provoke huge melt downs. 

Last year, I started this therapy focused on trauma and attachments wounds. Since then, I’m having those very intense moments sometimes, where something very hard happens, and I react in a very old and new way at the same time. 

The old : I react with a lot of emotional intensity, like I used to years ago, before my first therapy. When I look at it from closer, I’m not just reacting about what happened, I am also reacting to a lot of similar events in my life. Parts of me, of my identity, break down. I am suddenly filled with doubt about many many things. 

The new : First, I can feel really quickly that it’s not just about the one that triggered my emotional response, and calming down. The pieces that break down are much smaller, and don’t stay broken for long anymore. A calm voice replaces the resenting panicky voice running the melt-downs. The quiet confident voice is making the doubts slowly subside. 

I am a bit thrown by that mix between familiarity and newness. Familiarity brings us comfort, even when it feels bad : we know how it feels, and often even how it will go. Newness is exciting and full of possibility, but also the root of uncertainty. Unless we were lucky enough to be wound-free as a child, emotional uncertainty can get scary, and often leaves us feeling vulnerable and fragile. 

A few years ago (the last time I had such a crisis at work), I would have been devastated for weeks. I would have completely doubted my ability to be a good therapist, bordering on having difficulty to see how I am even a good person. Having such an awful encounter with a patient I appreciate a lot would have meant that I am clueless about what is good for my patients. Which would have surely slipped towards the belief that I am clueless about everything.

Here’s the first thing : by wanting so badly to be perfect and doing things perfectly, we always close ourselves to the ability to actually see our flaws and all the ways we are far from perfect. We also close our hearts from seeing how we hurt the people we love the most. We cannot change anything we refuse to see. 

Brene Brown did an incredible job studying shame, and busted forever the idea that perfectionism has anything to do with pursuing excellence. Perfectionism is about avoiding shame at all cost. We get so obsessed by being good and right, that we end up doing a lot of bad things, and be really wrong : we’re just not able to see it. 

Learning how to see how flawed we are is one of the most precious skill we can ever develop. We all feel at some point dumb, clumsy, awkward, incompetent, needy, weird... If we can’t see all that and still love ourselves, we won’t be able to change in the ways we want, to connect deeply with others, to truly love. 

A team of Harvard researchers studied something they called Immunity to change. When we operate in ways that aren’t good for us, it is generally assumed that it is because of a lack of awareness, knowledge or skills. What their method is showing to us is that in fact, we are feeding a certain pattern. 

Here is the second thing : when we resist doing certain things or changing in a certain way that would be good for us on the long run, it is helping us going toward a certain goal. This unconscious goal that we don’t really know we have, but that is more precious for us than what we would accomplish by doing otherwise right now. 

This secret goal is often related to identity : “If I do that, it will mean I’m weak/bad/wrong/out of control/rejected...”. It is generally about avoiding feeling bad in some way. These parts of ourselves want to protect us. They love us in their own sabotaging way, but they are well intentioned. We need to see them for what they are to live at peace. 

I could have found a million reasons why my patient reacted so strongly and ended up very hurt, to blame her for what happened. I could ignore my guilt and the shame of not being perfect by directing them at her, finding all flaws in her and her reactions. There always are some. 

Instead, I’ve spent a good amount of that past week reflecting over how I felt, what I didn’t like in my own reaction and behaviour, and what I was considering as problematic or not aligned with my values. I got upset, I cried, I journaled, took really good care of myself to heal the wounds. I spent most time looking at my shadow right in the eye. 

Looking at our flaws can be an evil tool of self-persecution, or the magical tool of our emotional freedom. We can choose. We can cultivate the latter to transform the former into an asset. 

By making it all about me, since it is MY experience of it, and I know hers will have to be different, I allow myself to question what I did, without questioning who I am. To see that we were both trying our best, and couldn’t come up to a more comfortable ground, without attributing fault. I can feel that blaming, as seductive as it can be, will also bring me nowhere useful. 

Seeing our flaws and darkness for what they are and not for the fantasy we wish they really were liberates us from repeating the same mistakes and patterns. 

By facing what we are the most afraid of, we always discover we made it bigger in our head. We can finally see the cheap tricks our mind is playing. And learn how to free ourselves from them. 

We can do hard things. 

We can look where it is scary to look inside of us. 

We deserve to be able to look at ourselves with love, and pride. 

We can free ourselves.

Speak soon, 

Love, 

L.