#astrology jokes

[livingfictionsystem]

How the Signs Are in Conflict

Virgos are constantly gathering dated, detailed reinforcement for the opinion they formed when they were 10. They're like a Buzzfeed article of "15 reasons why you should give up before you even start with me."

Right or wrong, Cancers are just really upset you're giving them a hard time right now and could you please just drop it.

The conflict Just started and Sagittarius is trying to form a nuanced opinion like it's a race.

Geminis will switch sides mid-argument and somehow end up wrong both times.

Leo won one argument two years ago and will bring it up any time they face scrutiny.

Capricorns formed most of their opinions at the age of three and you might as well just give up.

Aries is going to try to convince you that they're right with tone alone. Fuck your sources.

Scorpios crowned themselves the victor in the argument you had five years ago and are still waiting on you to admit defeat.

Taurus could be right or wrong but they certainly didn't ask you.

Libras will have the blandest opinion in the room and somehow still be the loudest.

Aquarius either wants to be 100 metres away from conflict at all times, or they start shit when things get too peaceful. Those are the only two types.

Pisces were arguing hard five minutes ago but since has said "Whatever" and decided the argument was stupid.

[multidimensionalguidance]

men trying to bag the Dhanishta (Capricorn ♑️) or Purva Bhadrapada (Aquarius ♒️) baddie

[wisteriawater]

Throw aside astrology, tell me what your favorite mummy joe video is. I like zobny.

[annaberunoyume]

A Gemini Moon love vibe: -Go to sleep, nerd.

- (Playful pat on the face) Okay, nerd.

[lunelfy]

Signs & their "Moods" ;

: Aries : " I have a thousand amazing projects to finish, so please give me a head start, I gotta finish them all! (rather now than later!) "

: Taurus : " Relax... it is not the end of the world, and even if it is, all the beautiful things will still be here, so... enjoy... :-) "

: Gemini : " Wh y is everythingso funny I can't stop laughing- help 😂😂 Oh look another joke, oh dear, there we go again- "

: Cancer : " *rushes in to save the day* Redemption to all! Precedo Bellator Decerte! *proceeds to cry along with their hurt peers* "

: Leo : " I will love you either way, but if you love me back, oh I will move mountains, and burn bridges, and walk the oceans for you. Just- don't touch my favourite chair, ok? "

: Virgo : " Let me just quickly take a picture of this flower so that I can analyse it before someone else needs my assistance, which I obviously can't refuse. "

: Libra : " Oh please don't be sad then I will be sad too, and I want you to be happy, oh people why can't we all be happy, I just want everyone to get along 🙏😭 "

: Scorpio : " I can easily kill you, but I won't. Because I'm already killing myself countlessly until I find a way to live. I know what dying feels like, I am loyal enough to spare you the same fate. "

: Sagittarius : " I'm like cupid, except my arrows don't shoot love, but fire. Oh, and firing you up I will! If you can't stand my spice, better roll another dice. "

: Capricorn : " Your existence is in my way. If you don't move, I'll simply thwack right through you. Joking. I don't care, I'll do what I want anyway. "

: Aquarius : " You don't need to tell me anything, because I already know everything. So, let me just talk instead, and elaborate the matter. "

: Pisces : " Don't mind me, I'll just be over here drowning in my own puddles of tears (which are either tears of ecstatic joy, or melancholic homesickness). "

[5minutesfromaquarius]

I like a nice loud bleat considering who I am.

[tayda95]

The full moon in leo:

[ms-demeanor]

Just looked up what time I was born and I'm so relieved that I can finally clear some things up! For those who have been asking, I'm an INTJ sun and an ENFP moon.

[hymn-to-mercury]

✨🪐Astrology observations🪐✨

These observations are all based off my own personal experience and are mostly generic - don't take it to heart if you disagree <3

🪐 No one seems to fully understand how Aquarius Moons work, including Aquarius Moons themselves.

🪐 I love how heavy Mars influence shows up in people's physical appearance! I’ve always noticed that people with a lot of mars dominance in their chart have a big forehead and/or a widows peak, as well as rosy cheeks or a naturally reddish/pinkish undertone to their skin.

🪐 Undeveloped Virgo and Sagittarius placements absolutely do not give a fuck about your feelings. They can be extremely self centred I've noticed to almost a dangerous detriment.

🪐 A lot of people give Scorpio women the Mean Girl rep, but honestly I think that title should be lent to Virgo women too 😭 They tend to have this hangup about perfection, and I think when undeveloped it shows more as an aversion to anything 'weird' or against the status quo.

🪐 Cardinal Mars signs (that's Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) reallyyyyy can't hide their dislike for things 😅 people, food, celebrities, whatever. If they don't announce it verbally then you can at least tell by their face lmao.

(I once had to put on my ~emergency socks~ when I was wearing heels on a night out, and every time someone came up to me to tell me how nice my outfit looked I would say thanks and then just not stop yapping about how the socks were not originally apart of the outfit 😭 I couldn't let people think I approved of socks and sandals alksjdgfsjdh)

🪐 Scorpio placements can dish it but can't take it. Cancer placements will sneakily dish it under the guise of a joke and then start crying if you try to dish it back.

🪐 People with Leo Moon tend to 'perform' their activism a lot. That's not to say that they don't practice what they preach, but I think when they do speak up their image has something to do with it

🪐 If you were born under a Mercury Retrograde it might feel like you were destined to be misunderstood no matter how well articulated you are 🙃 I don't think it's a problem with yourself as much as it is with the people you encounter through your life though. Your biggest 'ops' might be people who are very particular and specific about word choice - think Gemini and Virgo Placements (if you are a Gemini/Virgo yourself, this may manifest for you as harbouring some self-hatred or significant self-consciousness).

🪐 Pisces want very badly to be carefree, but a lot of the time they severely struggle getting over their need for outside validation. Being carefree is also a trait they might find attractive in other people.

[well-fuuuck]

[livingfictionsystem]

Today seemed like a good day to roast the signs!

Now. These are just my own personal experience of each sign and obviously don't apply to everyone. I don't pre-judge anyone based on when they were born. I just thought it'd be fun and, since I love reading these things, I decided to make one. If this is accurate to you, awesome, feel free to tell me. If it isn't, awesome, feel free to tell me~

Virgo:

Some of the most authentic, witty, genuine people I've ever met. Pragmatic, honest, and ambitious. I've dated numerous Virgos. My Rising is in Virgo.

BUT.

I have never met a Virgo that did not let a single bad experience colour their entire view on something. If it went badly the first time, Virgos think it will Every Time, no argument. Also, AJ is Virgo, and that's a blight on the sign if I've ever seen one. (Also fucking just. BREATHE. Please. You blighters give me second-hand anxiety)

Cancer:

Caring, expressive, funny. Loyal to a fault. I think of them as the John Watson of signs. My best friend is a Cancer sign. Genuinely warm people that just wants their loved ones to be happy.

BUT

You take things way too personally and also you never stop crying.

Leo:

Another good friend of mine is a Leo. My moon is in Leo. Bold, fun, confident and I love a little ego in my friends. Or like a lot. They also have an uncanny intuitive sense, too. Freddie Thornhill from Vicious is a canonic Leo.

BUT:

You all realise you're allowed to be corrected? Admit you were wrong? Have the spotlight off you for two seconds? You're all so high energy and I need nap. (In my experience, you can also be loud.)

Aries:

Ooooh boy. My worst relationship was with an Aries. But I have a couple of good friends in Aries! You're bold, charming, and charismatic as hell. I always like the good and friendly competition I get from Aries. And they're actually pretty loyal friends. Like to a fault.

BUT:

The explosive bloody temper. The arrogance. How they're suddenly the expert in every subject brought up in their vicinity. Aries can be A Lot.

Gemini:

Honestly, this is the one sign I have NEVER gotten along with for long periods of time. And I do try. But! Wilde's best friend, Robbie Ross, was a Gemini and he was a creative writer and brilliant friend. (Who put up with a lot.) Great communicators.

BUT:

Speaking from personal experience, if there's someone locking themselves in a bathroom during a party and loudly threatening to hurt themselves, there's a 80% chance they're a Gemini. (20% is Aries.) Dramatic, vindictive, and most apt to lying.

Scorpio:

This is my sun sign, and I also married one of these spiteful fuckers. I love the depth, the aesthetic, the romanticising. And our intuition is one of the best out there. You know, when we listen to it.

BUT:

Love gets us SO fucked up. We can't help but go from "meant to be" to "dead to me." Romance brings out the best and worst in us. We're SO romantically ruled. Also our grudge-holding and pettiness can get like straight-up childish. Two Scorpios arguing can last for months and take cheap shots at each other. Voted most likely to risk jail to get back at an ex. We need to CHILL.

Taurus:

Used to be one of my favourite signs before I met Rowan. The respect for indulgence bordering on hedonism, how it balances with being surprisingly pragmatic, and many are So aesthetically inclined. And protective and parental.

BUT:

Sensitive as a Richter scale. Their communication likes to tilt between letting things build up until a breaking point, or jumping several conclusions within a millisecond. Many have severe control issues.

Capricorn:

I like Caps. Some people think they're cold, but I think they're assertive and have a good sense of boundaries. I love their ambition and they're pretty genuine.

BUT:

Do ALL of you have depression? Happiness takes like a 7-day processing time, apparently. Your mood is SO connected to your energy levels, too. Are you okay?

Sagittarius:

Intuitive as HELL. Also creative and down to back you in your impulses. The amount of ambition and energy they put into their goals is admirable. Genuine friends, a good friend of mine is a Sagittarius.

BUT:

They cut off people quick enough that it breaks the sound barrier. They'd rather burn down a building than let the occupants walk all over them again. Which clashes with the usual desire to be the parent of the friend group. Also impulsive as all hell.

Pisces:

I've never spent a ton of time around this sign. They usually seem like they've got a pretty good sense of the future. They always have a back-up plan and are intuitive. Pretty good sense of humour, too.

BUT:

That ego will swing pretty quick from king of the world to lower than dirt, won't it? A very emotional sign. Once that temper is reached, there's no going back.

Aquarius:

This is a fun one. Creative, spontaneous, usually downright weird. Sherlock is a canonic Aquarius, which explains a lot. They're usually highly intelligent. I've dated only one, and it was one of my best relationships.

BUT:

"Down to earth" doesn't apply when these blighters can't FIND the earth. They can be unreliable-- a LOT are pretty selfish. "Out of touch" is also a good descriptor.

Libra:

Oscar Wilde is a Libra. A witty, charismatic sign. They also usually have a pretty good aesthetic/artistic sense. So many Libras have me laughing until I cry. GREAT at parties. I get along with a good lot of them.

BUT:

I have Never seen a Libra admit they were wrong. They also can be pretty flaky and unreliable. They will sit on that fence until they become one with it.

-Xanthe

[witchescollection]

genuinely intrigued by the "respect your deities" conversation thats been happening, and i'd love to open up a discussion!

i personally use language that I reckon a lot of folks would consider disrespectful to the divine (very relaxed, jokey tones with lots of humour, and as a result often like playful insults or teasing), and i am very casual in my relationships with them (so like we just chat whilst i have tea/wine or something, it's not very ritualistic or official), and i'm so deeply fascinated by those who take a more "respectful" approach!

so some questions for y'all:

do you use epithets/titles (including lord/lady), and why/why not?

do you do more formal spellwork/rituals, and what does that look like?

and how much clarity is between you and your deities? (so like, are you using a godphone, do you use divination, do you pray? - how do you contact them and how direct or clear is that for you?)

please feel free to reblog with your answers and share around, i'd love to hear how different everyone's relationships are to them!

[saturnianprincess]

[Mars signs] driving styles

Disclaimer: This post is just for the bants. Pls don’t take it seriously. Pls dont copy/repost my work anywhere.

🚗 Aries Mars - Fast but sometimes reckless drivers, prone to road rage and they always like to pretend they are in a Fast and Furious movie when driving. Love sports cars or fast cars. Also maybe into competitive driving or racing.

🚗 Taurus Mars - Drives cautiously. Keeps a lot of snacks and small efficient containers. Maybe into luxury cars.

🚗 Gemini Mars - Loves talking while driving. Can be prone to texting and driving (please don't do this!) Might get distracted by the radio or music.

🚗 Cancer Mars - Drives in a chill relaxed way. Might not want to drive all the time and would prefer taking public transport if they can avoid driving.

🚗 Leo Mars - Flexes their driving skills but can get super nervous when driving with people in the car.

🚗 Virgo Mars - Very good drivers will literally not let the car even 1mm outside the lines. Hates a dirty cars.

🚗 Libra Mars - Passenger princess and Chauffer driven only!

🚗 Scorpio Mars - Very focused driving but also loves it when someone is sitting in the passenger seat.

🚗 Sagittarius Mars - Can be rash drivers. Always ready for a road trip. Will literally take the longest route possible to drive as much as they can.

🚗 Capricorn Mars - Literally has the money to not drive and will always drive a bougie car.

🚗 Aquarius Mars - Is probably anti cars because they are not a sustainable choice of transport.

🚗 Pisces Mars - Love driving everywhere and can drive for hours and hours just like Sagittarius but may let their mind wander off if driving on the highway.

©️2022 saturnianprincess

[annaberunoyume]

It's a Gemini Moon thing ♊🌝:

Will read a psychology book just for fun.

Needs a partner that can keep up with its 1000 mph brain.

Will have varied interests that ranges anywhere from cooking to Alastor Crowley.

Have the hardest time falling asleep.

Will buy tons of books, but not always read them.

Their room could be described as a happy rummage of lots of trinkets picked here and there.

Most likely sapio-sexual.

May find speaking ASMR videos (like whispering and reading) soothing. Or just listen to podcasts until drowsy.

[purplebass]

I apologize if this sounds like nonsense to you but I love astrology and even if the characters are fictional I like to analyze these silly things lol

I was thinking how Kell (a cancer) dislikes Alucard (a gemini) but the latter gets along super well with other water signs (both Lila and Rhy are scorpios lmao and gemini x scorpio is such a rare pairing that matches each others' freak bc they are super unhinged together. And do I need to mention cancer x scorpio? another super unhinged pairing who apparently is a best match).

I think Kell dislikes Alucard because cancers tend to be hardly forgiving if you hurt the people they love, but it got better with time because he saw that Alucard stayed next to Rhy and proved to be trustworthy (Kell roasts Alucard a lot in tftop and claims he isn't guarding Rhy properly but we know that is not true). He still finds him annoying and trusts him reluctantly but it's better compared to the past. Whereas Alucard is 100% teasing him but he doesn't hate Kell. Kell hates this behavior because he values sincerity a lot and I admit that geminis like to be super unserious to the point of seeming like we are not reliable. But it's not true because if we like someone, we stick around and we are loyal bitches. If you think about it, Alucard also teased Lila to get information out of her in agos, and she hated it but she quickly made up with him because he earned her trust, and he is still her bestie to this day. I think that Alucard can understand Lila and be there as her friend and the same is true for Rhy and Kell because he understands him so well.

Like I said, gemini x scorpio is really powerful and so is scorpio x cancer so yeah the adsom ships and the friendships are well paired?

[5minutesfromaquarius]

Just to explain how it is in my head

Sun is boy

Moon is girl

Mercury is boy (he/they)

Venus is girl (she/her)

Earth is girl (she/they)

Mars is boy (he/him)

Jupiter is boy

Uranus is boy

Neptune is girl

Pluto is girl