#assertive communication

[femmefatalevibe]

Any idea to know what to do and say in terms of conflict?

Depersonalize others' comments & actions

Perceive the person's intentions – are they seeking war or peace?

If their intentions are sound, enter the conversation with the mindset of two individuals vs. a problem – decouple their humanity, emotions, wants, and needs from external factors & situations

Seek to understand, not win through your conversation

Approach the conversation from a solutions-oriented POV

Remember that compromise means both parties walk away happy or at least content with the outcome – self-sacrifice has no place in conflict resolution or negotiation

Hope this helps xx

[youngpeachenthusiast]

trying this new thing supposedly called being assertive. it went like "hey mom, just so you know, i want to come out to my aunt by the end of the week. do you want me to include you in the process or do you want me to do it myself?"

and she actually just went "oh, you can do it yourself no problem" instead of starting to meltdown and scream and try everything in her power to stop me.

i have to admit i felt pretty damn powerful lmao + if everything goes well i might be coming out to said aunt tomorrow!

[vro0m-but-not-cars]

@rosekoite asked me to say more about assertive communication due to this post. This is very simplified but here we go.

⚠️ LONG POST! ⚠️

INTRODUCTION

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself truthfully and honestly while respecting yourself and others, in a way that's adequate contextually and based on your personal goals. The purpose of assertive communication is to be authentic and honest with ourselves and others. Period. Its point is NOT to obtain things from others and it's NOT a "better" or more efficient way of communicating in that sense.

In fact, very importantly, sometimes assertive communication IS NOT the best choice. For example, there are work situations during which you won't choose to be assertive and honest with your boss if you want to keep your job. There's a time and place for assertive communication and it's a choice you have to make depending on what's important to you at that time (eg keeping your job or being authentic?).

So why choose assertive communication when you can? When used adequately, it helps you clarify your needs, thoughts, and opinions. It makes you feel more in line with yourself. It teaches you to listen to yourself, and to express yourself and your needs. It helps with self confidence, self esteem, and trust in others. It can also help during conflicts. It makes you feel more in control of your life and better overall. I'd say it also helps with mentalizing, which is the ability to understand your and other people's mental states.

TYPES OF COMMUNICATION

Communication between two people works like this :

The responsibility is shared 50/50 between the two people. As the source, you're responsible for expressing all the relevant information clearly, honestly, and in a way that's coherent verbally and non verbally. As the receiver, you're responsible for being available and attentive. However, the message also goes through the context of your relationship, as well as a communication channel (aka it's not the same thing to talk face to face, on the phone, or by text), and this can lead to misunderstandings and distorsions.

According to this model there are different types of communications that we may all use at different times :

Inhibited behavior leads you to not express how you feel or what you think because you feel like you're less entitled to do so than others, you're scared you're going to be judged, or you put others needs and opinions before your own.

Aggressive behavior leads you to force how you feel and think upon others, and not leave any space for them to express themselves. You do not listen to what they have to say, and do not take what they feel and think into account.

Manipulative behavior can be lying, or just not being completely truthful about how you feel or what you think, but also irony, sarcasm, any type of communication that's indirect (making light of things that aren't, making someone else express your opinion for you, exaggerating, etc.)

Now the goal of assertive behavior is to minimize the distorsions and respect the 50/50 division of the responsibility in the communication by expressing truthfully and directly how you feel and what you think, without justifying yourself, in a way that's coherent on the verbal and non verbal level.

Again it doesn't mean it will "work" in the end in the sense of producing your desired outcome. However it will work in 1) respecting yourself by expressing yourself instead of silencing yourself 2) respecting the other party by not overpowering them 3) being honest, truthful, and authentic.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IN PRACTICE?

Assertiveness requires 3 things :

Attitude : being sincere, honest with yourself and others, but also open to hearing their side of things and accepting that it might be different to yours

Involvement : talking about yourself, your emotions, and your thoughts as long as they're not disrespectful to the other party. Do NOT generalise. This is about YOU.

Precision : stay focused on a specific, clear aspect of things. If you're talking about something else, focus on behaviors and not character. Try to stay on the factual side of things rather than get into opinions.

EXAMPLES :

COMPLIMENT SOMEONE

(eg you like someone's content)

Don't : your blog is cool! (you're not involved, you're not precise!)

Do : I love the edits you post on your blog, I find them really beautiful.

RECEIVE A COMPLIMENT

(eg someone likes your edits)

Don't : aw thanks! or nah it's nothing! (you're maybe not honest, you're not involved, you're not precise!)

Do : I really appreciate your kind words it makes me very happy OR if you honestly disagree with the compliment which is ok as well thank you, I'm not too happy with this edit myself

EXPRESS A NEED, ASK FOR SOMETHING

(eg you're getting disrespectful anons)

Don't : not say anything or answer them kindly anyway or answer them unkindly (it's not precise, it's not honest, it's not involved)

Do : I would like it if you were more polite next time, I don't like being talked to that way

(remember : sometimes being assertive is not the best choice, you don’t need to engage every hateful anon, this is an example)

SAY NO, NEGOTIATE

(eg your anon is demanding you write the next chapter of your fic)

Don't : sorry I will get to it as soon as I can or fuck off anon or the problem is I'm having so much work and I broke my favorite mug and... (you're not honest! you're not precise! you're justifying yourself!)

Do : No. You can elaborate depending on how you feel IF YOU WANT but be careful not to start justifying yourself : I feel pressured when you keep asking or I'm worried you're going to be disappointed with me, but I can't/don't want to right now.

EXPRESS CRITICISM, DISAGREE

(eg anon is hateful again)

Don't : fuck you or you're an idiot (you're getting overwhelmed by your emotions, you're generalizing, you're not precise, you're not involved)

Do : I understand that you are frustrated but it hurts me when you do this / I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking to me (and I will not accept it)

RECEIVE CRITICISM

When receiving criticism, we will initially assume the person is justified and not wishing us harm.

Don't : you're just being a hater fuck you or omg they're right I suck as a person (you're getting overwhelmed by your emotions, you're not precise, you're not listening)

Do : clarify if necessary I don't understand what I did wrong can you explain it to me? then either agree and commit to doing better I admit that I was too aggressive in my answer and I will be more mindful from now or don't agree and ask for clarification I was not aggressive towards you so can you clarify what it is that made you angry?

BUT! Maybe the person is unjustified and does wish us harm! If so, there's several possibilities

You want to keep the relationship : clarify (if necessary or if they’re attacking your character instead of criticizing specific behaviors) + concede more or less vaguely + ask the person to do better in return = I'm sorry I don't understand what I did wrong can you explain it to me? [...] Okay I hear you, there's stuff I'm doing that you don't like. I want to say it's not clear to me what you're unhappy with and it makes me confused, I would like it if you were more precise so I can do better next time.

You want to keep the relationship but the person is taking it too far : refuse the confrontation = I refuse to talk to you when you're talking to me that way / I want to talk this through with you but I'm not feeling heard right now so I'll come back later + physically LEAVE

You don't care about the relationship : stay vague + stop the conversation + leave = It's your opinion, I'm not interested in talking about this further + LEAVE

These are all very simplified examples and it may seem a bit artificial at first but it gets easier with practice. Remember to 1) talk about yourself 2) be honest 3) be precise.

On the other hand, you also need to handle the other 50% of the communication aka receiving. Listen and be attentive. Accept that they might not agree with you, might think differently, might not be able to give you what you want. We're not trying to convince anyone here, we're just trying to be honest with ourselves and others.

Finally I want to remind everyone that as with all psychological tools, it is a TOOL and some people will use it in wrong ways. First of all, using these as a way to obtain things from people is NOT assertive communication, it's manipulation. Second of all, it doesn't mean that this tool is not useful when used properly!

[nessieac]

i always want to kill some suitor(s)

[cool-missy-v]

I am no longer accepting the things I can not change. I am changing the things I can not accept. -Angela Davis

[isabellehemlock]

I rarely make definitive statements, I think it's important to be humble, open to the journey of growth, empathetic towards holding space for multiple view points and even if not agreed upon, expanding our own minds through learning and conversation - but I'd like to say this at least once when it comes to inter personal relationships:

Sometimes it's not what you say that can become an issue, but how you're saying it.

I'm not talking about abuse, or toxic behavior, or hate - I'm referring to the every day relationships here - but if you're trying to have conversations with someone and the majority of it is a lot of "you" statements, including but not limited to "you always" or "you never" even if there's a kernel of truth in your statement, though your feelings are valid - so are theirs.

Try to remember how it feels in your own body to have someone telling you you're the issue for several minutes - it doesn't feel good. It doesn't matter how emotionally mature someone is, no one wants to sit in a corner feeling small - so if you're true goal is to encourage open dialogue, engage in active listening, exchange compromises and boundaries, please please please look up some script ideas and see what speaks to you and try to engage in a questioning mindset vs "I'm right and you're wrong."

There are ways to get your point across that respects the inherent dignity of both of you ❤️

Below the cut, some examples I've found over the years online - happy to edit with credit if someone knows the sources for any that don't include usernames:

[azeutreciathewicked]

To add:

It can be hard when your internal barometer is fucked up (by abusive or neglectful parents, friends, coworker, bosses), and that's understandable. It takes practice to get better at recognizing when you are being an asshole vs being assertive in a healthy way.

And what makes it even more difficult is if people around you ALSO have a skewed barometer. So you may be perfectly assertive in an appropriate way, but they may overreact, or lash out, or try to punish you for their internalized bad feelings. That's rough.

Finding a couple people who can be trusted to help you confirm "that was okay" or "went a little hard there, ease up next time" is super valuable. And when you have the ability, help others calibrate that social barometer too.

Also, if it was a murky situation, it's usually okay to give someone another chance. Set your exit parameters ahead of time ("if they do X, I'm out") and try again. We all mess up. It's frustrating, maddening even, but we can all get better with practice.

A thing I notice is that at least 60% of the time some of the more caustic and temperamental types of people have this self-victimizing attitude where they see themselves as recovering doormats who have been nice for too long and so have "earned" permission to be mean to people because they confuse rudeness for assertiveness and niceness with submission and they have a binary view of the whole thing.

[monalisha1328]

Mars in the 3rd house influences communication, courage, and mental agility. Individuals with this placement are bold, assertive, and quick thinkers, excelling in debates and intellectual pursuits. However, challenges include aggressive communication, impulsive decisions, and sibling rivalry. With self-awareness, this energy can foster dynamic growth and learning

Visit now : Mars in 3rd House: Communication, Courage, and Challenges

[justposting1]

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[arrjaysketch]

If someone is making a weird expression and you're not sure how to interpret it, here's a good thing to try! "I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm not sure if I'm understanding an expression correctly. It looks like when you [description of expression], you're [emotion]. Is that right?"

Most of the time people really and truly have no idea about the expressions they're making, or how they could be interpreted! Frequently, their explanation is something different from what one was expecting!

Another thing that's really helpful with assertive communication is to believe what people tell you, and to take their words at face value.

[familythings]

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[priorityprofessionalcare]

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[reviveintegratedcareservices]

Navigating peer pressure can be a challenging aspect of adolescence, impacting one’s mental well-being and potential for substance abuse. Behavioral health in Phoenix, Arizona is a priority, understanding how to manage peer influence is crucial for fostering a healthy community.

[cool-missy-v]

Now available on Amazon and Audible: https://www.amazon.com/STATE-P-L-Y-S-DIFFICULT-CONVERSATIONS-ebook/dp/B0BXXV1WQR/

[clarityvisions]

I love saying NO

My neighbor always plays obnoxious music. I'm talking about window rattling loud. It's not even like he's having a party either. He just wants attention, I guess. He wants to portray himself as a hard thug without the criminal record. He's real cringe. He asked me if he could take a hit off my joint. Fuck no. 🤣 We're not fucking friends. I was like, "What do you have for trade?" Dude, was a wet match after and just said, "Oh, I'll go back to my house..."

Idc about being seen as a bitch anymore. It's a magical feeling. ~✨️