#asking is a lot easier that we let ourselves believe

[blackmarquer]

All Boom had to do was ask

[gallavichsreddie1128]

Used (Billy Butcher)

Description: Billy decides to use Y/N to get what he wants but it backfires when he falls in love with her.

Warning: Smut

Word Count: 4,051k

She sighed, completely nervous as she walked down the aisle to her future husband. The wedding wasn’t crazy big but had all their friends and some family. MM walked her down the aisle since she refused to even speak to her parents since she found out they let Vought inject her with compound V. Her dress was dragging behind her as she looked forward to see Billy. He looked so handsome in his tux and he was staring at her in awe. She looked so beautiful. She got up the stairs and they both faced the priest. Billy thought he couldn’t be anymore lucky than what he was right now. Except this wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Billy wasn’t a soft spoken man by any means. He could get aggressive and bossy especially when it came down to Vought stuff. He wanted one thing and one thing only. Revenge. Justice for his now dead wife, Becca. And the man would do anything to get it. “There’s a new member of the Seven?” Hughie asked his girlfriend Annie. She nodded and showed them. “Woah.” “wow.” was said amongst the boys. Y/S/N or Y/N. She had on a white lingerie type costume with angel wings that weren’t part of her skin. “What’s her power?” “She can fly.” Annie said. Billy stared at the picture of the girl. She was breathtaking.

Her costume made her boobs look bigger, thanks to Vought and she looked so sweet. Except Billy was still on edge about Supes. “She looks like an angel.” MM said. “Yeah, literally.” Hughie finished. Annie smiled at the boys. “Well she is an absolute sweetheart and she is single.” Billy didn’t know why but that caught his attention. She was single and she wasn’t a bitch? That was perfect. He smirked and looked at the others. “Well boys we might have ourselves a winner.” 

Billy hadn’t really planned this out too much but if he could make her fall for him, he could get information. Information on how to destroy Homelander. So here he was at a convention that she was signing stuff at. He was in line and made sure he would be the last so he could actually talk to her. She had the sweetest smile on as she signed pictures and merch. She didn’t seem to be faking the excitement but she was new so she really didn’t know how Vought worked yet.

Once he was up next to talk to her, he finally heard her voice. It sounded angelic and sweet. He didn’t realize how hard it was gonna be. “Hello.” She greeted him. “Hello luv, Billy Butcher.” He introduces himself. “Love the accent. Makes you a lot sexier.” She flirts. He was caught off guard from her comment. He didn’t realize that she would’ve thought anything of him. Which made it so much easier to get her right where he wanted. 

“Billy, fuck.” She moaned as he pounded into her cunt. She was up against a wall and he was holding her as he fucked the living shit out of her. Her tiny body fit perfectly with his, like a puzzle piece. “Holy shit. You’re so sexy.” She moaned out. He could cum from that. She was praising him and saying the hottest shit to him. He groaned in her ear making her pussy flutter around him. “Are you close?” He asked her. She nodded and gasped.

“So fucking close. Gosh you fuck me so well.” She whined. Damn he’s never felt like this before. He was so close to cumming and she was making it worse. He wanted her to cum first. “Open your eyes, luv. I want to see you fall apart.” She opened her eyes and her mouth remained open. He looked at her as her eyes rolled back and she moaned loudly cumming all over his dick. That triggered his release. He placed his face in her neck as he let out a moan and came hard. The hardest he’s ever came in so long. She held him close and calmed down. “This can’t be the last time you’re inside of me.” She said. It wouldn’t be. 

“Holy fuck. Can you believe that prick?” Y/N asked Billy. He chuckled at her anger. “Homelander is a lying selfish asshole.” “What made you realize that?” He asked her amused. She shook her head and sat down next to him. “We just found out that we’ve been injected with Compound V and he has the audacity to be okay with it?” Billy shrugged.

“I mean the fucker has everything, luv. Why wouldn’t he be okay with it?” She looked at him and shook her head. “He’s not human at all. That I know.” “So what do you wanna take him down?” Butcher asked. She laughed but then stopped. “That’s not a bad idea. I know Maeve and Starlight hate him. I could get the help.” And that’s how she ended up meeting The Boys. 

“Wait, so you hired these guys to help?” Y/N asked her boyfriend. “Yep they can help ya.” He said. The boys were confused on why Butcher was talking about them like that. Did Y/N not know? “Do you guys even have powers?” She asked them. They shook their heads and she sighed. “So how are you gonna help?” She asked them. “We’ve dealt with a lot of things like this.” Frenchie told her. Hughie looked at Butcher and realized that he was using Y/N to get to Homelander. He felt sick and wanted nothing more than to yell at the man. Y/N wasn’t a bad supe like Butcher thinks. But Hughie seemed to be the only one to catch on to Butcher’s plan. “Okay if you say so.” Y/N said, looking at the boys. “Perfect.” Butcher smirked. 

“So, you and Butcher huh?” Annie teased Y/N as they walked into the Vought towers. “Shhh I don’t know if it’s super serious yet.” She tells Annie. “Y/N, it’s been months almost a year. Do you love him?” Y/N looked at Annie and smiled. “Of course I do.” “See you need to tell him.” Maybe Annie was right. She should tell Butcher that she loves him. But when would be the right time?

His hips pounded against hers as she was laid on the Seven’s table in the conference room. How did they manage to have sex in here? They were on a mission to grab a file but got distracted. It was very dangerous to be having sex here, but that is what turned them on. “Billy.” She moaned a little too loud, forgetting that they were fucking in the seven’s conference room. His hand covered her mouth, mumbling her moans. “As sexy as those noises are, you need to be quiet.” He groaned.

She nodded but couldn’t help herself. Each snap of his hips felt better and better. Her hands gripped the table, turning her knuckles white. Billy’s other hand went in between them to rub her clit. Her moaning was still loud even with his hand covering her mouth. “You close, luv? We need to hurry.” He said and pounded faster. She arched her back as she felt her high approaching. Her sweet moans turned to whines and whimpers.

He felt himself getting close too, causing him to let out groans of his own. She gasped his name as she came undone. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head, seeing this made Billy cum with a moan of her name. His hips worked them through their high. She sat up and cupped his face. “Billy, I love you.” She whispered. He froze in place and stared at her. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was using her and she fell in love with him. That wasn’t even the worst part. He loved her too. “I love you too.” He said and he kissed her. Guilt rose in his chest as he realized that they were in too deep. 

A year later, their wedding happened and Hughie kept a huge secret that to this day fills him with guilt. Though, he saw Billy falling in love with Y/N, that wasn’t the plan. Billy was using and lying to his now wife. She didn’t even know about Becca or Ryan. She didn’t know who the real Billy was. His backstory, none of it. MM and Frenchie felt guilt as well. They were so confused about why they had to lie to her in the beginning until one drunk night: 

The Boys were laughing and drinking, actually having fun for once. There wasn’t any stress about Vought or Compound V, just getting drunk. “That Y/N girl seems really cool, man.” MM told Butcher, pouring himself another glass. “Eh, She’s okay, Just another seed to be planted.” The boys looked at him, confused. “Wait, you’re using her?” Frenchie asked him. “Yeah, I am. Sure she’s a pretty thing and a good fuck. But she’s a supe and she’s just like the rest of em.” “Nah man, I don’t think Y/N is. She hates Homelander.” MM said. Billy shrugged. “She’s just another vought test subject. Once I have what I need she’ll be gone.” Frenchie and MM looked at each other. This was low, even for Billy. Y/N wasn’t a bad person nor did she deserve this. 

Which is why MM and Frenchie’s smiles didn’t reach that far up as the two got married. Hughie didn't either but he thought he was the only one that knew. Annie was oblivious to everything and Hughie didn’t have the heart to tell her. Y/N looked happy, she was happy and in love. What she doesn’t know, can’t hurt her. Billy felt happy again, after so long. He had a beautiful wife and a great team. He wasn’t worried about anything right now. He pushed everything to the back of his mind, even the fact that he used her in the beginning. 

“Just to think you were just some sexy guy in line at my meet and greet.” She said and looked over at him. He chuckled, “Just to think that we fucked an hour after meeting.” She laughed and shrugged. “Couldn’t help myself, I knew at that very moment that you were the one I wanted.” She tells him. His face softens at her words. “I knew too.” He said but that was a lie though. He didn’t know until months later. 

Months later and everything was going great. Billy and Y/N got their own place away from The Boys. They loved them but it was nice to have privacy. Y/N wanted out of The Seven and planned to talk to them but figured that wouldn’t work. Billy told her it would be best to take her file and disappear. She was on edge about it at first, not thinking it was a good idea. She didn’t want them knowing that she was married or where she was. Billy was lucky that it was her idea for them not to know she was married. He didn’t have to stress about her finding anything out. She walked into Vought Towers in her costume so nobody would suspect anything.

She didn’t have her ring on, she never did when she was here. She got in the elevator and hit the floor that she needed to go on. She has never snuck into where the files were placed. The only Seven member aloud to look at the files were Homelander. Her nerves were high as she walked out of the elevator and to the door. The door was locked as she suspected it would be. But thanks to Frenchie she knew how to undo locks. She looked around to make sure she was alone. Once the cost was clear she unlocked the door and snuck in. Stan Edgar’s office that he thankfully was not at today.

She looked around for a moment and sighed. His office seemed normal. She saw the filing cabinet and went to it. She carefully opened it and started looking for hers. She found it after a minute and grabbed it. She read it and chuckled. They had a lot of info on her, just not the important stuff. She was about to close the cabinet when someone opened the door. She gasped and looked at whoever came in. “Y/N?” The person asked.

She turned around and saw Homelander. “Hey!” She said with a fake smile. “What are you doing in here?” He asked. She really didn’t know how to lie her way out of it. She wasn’t planning for this to happen. “I uh just wanted to see my file.” She said. “Your file?” She held it up in her hands. “Yeah, after I found out about Compound V I stopped talking to my parents but wanted to get in contact with them to get the rest of my shit because I just bought a house.” Nice save. “Gotcha. You got a new place?” He asked. She nodded. “Yep, in the city.” Homelander seemed to be buying everything she was saying. 

She quickly got out of there with a breath of relief. She almost got caught but she felt proud that she saved herself. Homelander on the other hand was very curious about where she lived. He never figured out where she did before so he took the opportunity to follow her. She got home and unaware that she was being followed and set the file down on the table. Billy was out with The Boys so she had the place to herself.

He came home a few hours later. “Got the file.” She said pointing it out. He grabbed it and looked through it. It was creepy how much stuff they knew about her. “Good. Now ya can finally leave.” He said to her. She nodded and took the file. She shook her head. “I almost got caught though, saved my ass.” She said. “Who caught ya?” “Homelander. He uh came into the room after I had gotten it but I told him the best lie I've ever told.” She said. “What was the lie?” “That I needed to get in contact with my parents for my shit because I moved.” “And he bought that?” “Seemed to.” She shrugged. Homelander bought it up until he hovered about her house with his number one enemy. He couldn’t believe that Y/N had betrayed him. Especially with Billy. 

Y/N had to go into Vought’s tower one more time to pack up her shit. She would have yesterday but she didn’t want Homelander seeing after catching her with her file. As she was packing she heard a knock at the door. She went and opened it and there stood Homelander. “Can I help you?” She asked. He smiled and pushed her aside, walking in her office. “Uh excuse me? I didn’t invite you in.” She said. He chuckled and turned around to face her. “Why did you lie to me yesterday?” He asked. She looked confused, “What do you mean?” “You lied to me about why you had your file.” He said. Oh shit. “No, I didn’t.”

“Yes you did and you are working with Billy Butcher.” He yelled. “Who?” She asked. Though she was confused on how Homelander knew him. “Oh don’t play stupid. I saw that you two live together.” He growled. Her eyes widened. “You followed me?” She asked him. “Yes I did because you’re a lying little bitch.” He said and walked closer to her. She backed up against the door. “How do you know Billy?” She asked. He looked at her confused. “What the fuck do you mean?” “How do you know him?” He chuckled. “You know damn well how I know him.” She shook head and looked up at him. “No. I don’t .” She said. By her heartbeat he could tell she wasn’t lying. “You are working for him and you don’t know?”

“I’m not working for him.” She said. “But you live with him.” “He’s my husband.” She whispered. Homelander’s face dropped. “You’re married to him?” She nodded. “And you don’t know how we know each other?” He asked. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” She said. He pulled her arm causing her to screech in pain. He pulled her to Stan’s office and took her inside. “Why are we here?” She asked. “Go in the filing cabinet.” He told her, motioning towards it. She looked at him confused. “Go look under B.” He told her. She walked over to cabinet and opened it. She looked at the letter B and all the files under it. She saw one that had the name “Butcher.” on it, well two. She pulled them both out.

She looked at the one with the woman on it first and saw that she was married to Billy. Y/N gasped and almost dropped the files. She read through the file and saw that the woman was dead but had a son named Ryan. She looked at Billy’s and wanted to cry. He had been keeping this from her. “Ryan is my son, not Billy’s.” Homelander said. Tears streaming down her face. “He was married?” She asked. “Y/N, he thought for the longest time that I killed Becca and he’s been after me ever since.” She sobbed. “So how did she die?” Y/N asked, turning towards him.

“Ryan, our son, accidentally killed her and my girlfriend at the time.” Y/N looked broken and shocked. “So he’s been trying to kill you for that?” She asked. Homelander nodded. “I take it since you didn’t know any of this, he’s probably using you to get to me.” He tells her. The files drop from her hands and she breaks down. “He was wanted, along with 4 others that he works with.” Hughie, Frenchie, MM and Kumiko. 

She got home, late that night. She ignored Billy’s calls and had to be anywhere but there. She sighed as she opened the door to the house and closed it. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to call ya all day.” Billy exclaimed. She looked at him and it took everything in her body not to break. He noticed that her eyes were empty. “Are ya okay?” He asked and went to touch her but she pulled away. “You wanna tell who Becca is?” She asked. His face dropped. “Or the fact that you and Homelander go way back?”

“Or the fact that you’ve been using me for information on Homelander?” She screamed. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Huh, Billy? You wanna explain?” “H-how do you know any of that?” He asked. She scoffed in disbelief. “That shouldn’t be the concern here but since it is to you I saw the files. Yours and Beccas.” She yelled. “You’ve been using me, you don’t love me.” She whispered, tears streaming down her face. “That’s not true.” He said. “Which part? The part that you were using me or the part that you don’t love?” She yelled.

“I do love ya.” She shook her head. “No.” She sobbed. “You don’t. You wouldn’t have lied to me.” She was right. He knew that but what could he say to make any of this better. “Look I know I should have told you about my wife and that I knew Homelander but if we could just sit down and talk about this that would be great.” “You wanna sit down and talk? What excuse do you have?” She yelled. “I don’t have any excuses. But I wanna tell you everything. Just let me give you that.” She didn’t move from her spot. “Tell me right now.”

“Homelander raped my wife. I had thought for the longest time she was dead and he had killed her. She was alive and had a kid. The kid wasn’t mine, it was that cunt Homelander’s. I’ve known before I met you that he was a piece of shit. So when I saw you, yes I thought you would be great use for information on him.” She scoffed. “But then I actually got to know ya and I fell in love with ya.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry about Becca, Billy but you shouldn’t have used me or lied to me.” She said. “I know.”

“I actually loved you from the beginning and to figure out that this was all a lie from the enemy himself.” “It’s not all a lie. I do love ya.” He walked closer to her. She stepped back. “No.” she mumbled. She slid off the ring. “We were never on the same page. You never cared about me. This ring means nothing, it never did.” She said and threw it at him. “Y/N-” “Don’t.” She held up her hand. “Please just stop. I’m tired and i’m over this.” She sighed and walked out of the house, leaving him in tears. 

She drove to where The Boys were staying, not wanting to be around Billy. She opened the door and they all turned their heads. She noticed a very handsome guy that they were talking to. “Hey is Billy with ya?” Frenchie asked. Y/N shook her head. “No, he’s not.” “Are you okay?” Hughie asked her. She shook her head and tried to hold back the tears. “No, I’m not.” Hughie ran over to her. “What’s wrong?” She sighed and looked at him. “He used me to get information on Homelander and he lied to me. But I’m sure you already knew that.” She said, glaring at him. His jaw dropped. “Y/N, I wanted to tell you so many times but you guys looked happy.” She held up her hand.

“Just stop. I don’t need this right now.” She walked around him and grabbed the bottle of vodka that was on the table. They all gave her pity looks. “You guys don’t owe me like he does but it would have been nice to know that he was a shitty guy.” She said and walked into one of the rooms. She sighed and sat down. She looked around and noticed that she was in Billy’s old room. She sighed and took the vodka and drank from it. She heard footsteps and she looked up. The guy that she saw earlier. “Who are you?” She asked. “Ben.” She nodded.

He sat on the bed next to her. He chuckled as she drank straight from the bottle. “Something funny, Ben?” She asked. “No it’s just you’re too pretty to be heartbroken over a guy like Butcher.” She laughed, a genuine laugh. “Let me guess you guys go way back too?” She asked. “Just a week.” He told her. She nodded. “Well if it only took you a week to figure out he sucks, why'd it take me 2 years?” He chuckled at her questions. “Looks like you love him.” She shook her head. “Yeah, pathetic right? He lied to me about every little fucking thing and used me for information on Homelander.”

“Sounds like a dick.” They both laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m trama dumping on you.” “Nonsense.” He shook his head. She laid on the bed with a sigh. He followed her. “I’m surprised he’s not here, looking for me.” She said. “He’s an idiot.” “Yeah but so am i.” Ben turned his head towards her. “Pretty hot for an idiot then.” She turned to look at him. “Are you hitting on me?” She asked. “Yeah. I’d be an idiot not to.” He said. She chuckled and turned her whole body towards him.

“You don’t even know me.” She said. “Yeah but you seem like you need to be taken care of and not by some jackass.” “How do I know you’re not a jackass?” She asked. “You don’t but I can assure you that I’m not gonna lie to you about my past life or using you. I’m just trying to fuck you.” She stared at him and her eyes kept going from his eyes to his lips. He noticed her doing this and cupped her face. He turned his body towards her and moved closer. She didn’t move away, she didn’t want to. She let him lean in and kiss her. There wasn’t fireworks, sparks or butterflies but damn it felt good. “Y/N?” She pulled away from the kiss and gasped.

[thatfrailsoul]

– On a day I've found me

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

Even in the darkest and loneliest days of our life... There is still something within us. Something that we don't feel so much, don't remember or perhaps don't even know to have within ourselves... But that is still so powerful. Enough to gently push and guide us through every obstacle, through every challenge, through every painful or confusing step. There is something within us that is worth it. That makes it worth it to believe in ourselves, to survive, to still be here and to be alive. Our own treasure, our own and true core where is hidden all the magic of our soul. Are we aware of it or not.

This is our second reading from the Divinatory Jukebox inspired by the song "A Brand New Day", by BTS ( V and J-Hope) and Zara Larsson!(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) Like with the first reading (that you can find here ♡), this one too was guided by my cards that "set the tone", giving me advice on how to listen to this song, from which perspective, and what it wants to tell us in this period of our lives.

P.s. If you would like to see a reading inspired by your suggested song, you can learn more about how to partecipate here!♡↓

♪♡♪ Divinatory Jukebox ♪♡♪

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. And listen to your subconscious mind, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides.

P.s. I was considering doing some extended versions of our readings, a sort of add-on through which we will look even deeper and in more detail at the situation. A lot of you gave me your support on this, so I wanted to ask you more about what might be comfortable for you in case of purchasing one day an extended reading!♡ For example, would you prefer to have access to only one pile of your choice (and in case you were called to more than one pile in the original reading you would need too pay again for another one) or to receive all of them at once and with a single purchase?

Thank you for letting me know!♡

—

– Pile One,

the five of wands, the hierophant, the temperance, the six of cups

When the voices get louder, when the words become meaner, the truth is overtaken by the lies... When you stand alone on the first line, protecting with your own back the ones that are being pressured or judged... There is that one little flame, that ignites inside you. That pushes you forward, chest full and eyes on the target. Ready to fight if it is needed, ready to raise your own voice if they don't hear the one of their chosen victim.

Impulsiveness, bad temper, tendency to not mind your own business, somehow even selfishness and desire to make it all about yourself... It can be labelled in so many ways by those for which it is so inconvenient that you are not afraid of them. For those that know too well that one day or another, that same power can be used to protect you from their influence and "guidance". Because although they really do everything to convince you of it, this power and this need to speak up does not come from something bad, from indiscipline or ungratefulness for those that are trying to guide you by so lovingly cutting out what makes you different from what they want or are used to... It actually comes from the deep and profound love. Your love towards your own self, towards what makes you - you. A love that, after so many years of judgment and punishments... you just can't bring yourself so easily to use. And that has as the only way of manifesting - the protection of others that are being treated so painfully similarly to you. That are being silenced and limited by the dreams, desires, and plans of others. And that your subconscious, so beaten up and tired by how many times it has happened in your own life, just can't look at without doing nothing, without trying to save at least others, while you remain to suffer in a life that has nothing of what you like.

Bad intentions, manipulation, desire to keep you the way it is more convenient to them, or just a genuine and scarier conviction and trust in what they do or say... Those around you always had something to say about your behaviour, about your difficulty in following the rules, in respecting the limits, in "trusting" and accepting as yours the decisions or opinions of others... Every time you made a step in a sliglthy different direction, that path was fast destroyed right in front of your eyes. The pain, mistakes or struggles of others so easily used to scare you, to push you back in line. There was never a chance to think differently, to desire things or to realize them in your life without feeling guilty, like you are doing something that you shouldn't, like your one little desire of something else can really crush the whole world in front of their eyes... But those words and hysteria never came alone. They were always so well glazed with concepts like love, wanting the best for you, caring for you and for your life. And tiny bit after another, it simply grew on you. On you that were too tired to fight back every single time just to feel like the one attacking others, the one that is ruining your or their lives...

You became more silent and more docile, more in line with what they wanted or needed. A perfect vessel for all their goals and dreams... And it gave you only a life that is miserable. So peaceful at first sight, but so meaningless for your own heart. A life that you are not really living, but merely following based on their rules. While your mind so desperately tries to live its dreams through others, through their battles, through their creations that you so greedily and secretly consume.

But was it really worth it? Now that you are gorwing up, facing this new phase in your life all on your own... Does it seems like it was worth it? Does it really seem like the perfect end? For your heart it surely doesn't. Not for the one that you are feeling less and less, becoming numb to this life that you are not ready or capable to face. Not for a heart that is so confused and lost, but also so fearful and trembling every single time the ones of the past speak up, with their guidance and advices that are really only judgment and hurtful words...

You relied for so long on your mind that was so good at shutting everything down and following their commands, but now it is really time to switch things up. To give the control to your heart, and let your consumed mind rest, as you take a step back and begin from the very start. From when you were too little and too loving to go against those by your side. From when you asked yourself to not speak up for the first time.

Because as impossible or too late as it might seem, but there is still time and possibilities for you to make things really work in your life. You can still pursue your desires and those passions that you threw away in the past. You can still begin from scratch, try again those things in which you failed but doing them differently, as you think it would be better now. Or you can choose completely different paths. You can do what you wanted and they never considered worth it. You can try and even make mistakes, but also learn from them and at least have your own and true experience. You can live like you always were supposed to, and not like they programmed you to. You can do it, even if they will still judge you. Even if they will still scream at you or ignore you. You can do it because all this time that you followed their guidance and remained silent, there was still and always a part of you that felt that anger, that frustration, that need to scream at them back. And the fact that you still felt it, that you still feel it now... Is all that you need to know that you are alive. That those passions, and dreams, and what makes you unique, no matter if you know what is it or still need to discover it, they are still all here. They never had been destroyed like you thought, they were just asleep, awaiting the moment you will feel ready to speak. To speak you truth, your own opinions. To be louder than their lies or impositions. To protect yourself so courageously, like you always did with others. To not allow your fear of them, or of the loneliness that they so often promise, to silence you ever again. Because their words will only and ever be just that. They aren't prophecies or accurate predictions of your life. They are just their convictions. And you have now yours. And it is time to speak them up as fiercely as they always did. With the difference that you will never use your voice to hurt and control others, projecting and imposing your convictions on them... But you will only protect yourself and pretend the respect that you deserve. The space and liberty to live the life that you want.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile Two,

the chariot, the lovers, the strength, the wheel of fortune (all major arcanas!♡)

They feel so heavy. Those steps that you need to do every single day in order to survive. In order to have a chance to overcome these obstacles. In order to have even just the tiniest bit of progress... Your legs feel so damn heavy. There is simply too much pressure, too many fears and doubts weighing on them. And at each step... You really do need the help of others. Their guidance, a little advice, support or just some confirmation that you are going in the right direction, that you will be alright.

They say that as we grow we become more wise, more confident. But you seem to have everything but courage in your heart. The same one that, ironically, used to be so brave and beautifully impulsive in the past. The ones that often lead to mistakes, all those passions and drive, it's true. But for which you still would give so much, just to feel even just a little now, because you would exactly know where to direct them, into what to pour them, where they could help you so much right now.

Because it is not at all easy to feel so vulnerable, so lost and scared. It is not easy to need someone to rely on. To look for them constantly, never really having time to focus the same way on your own self. To feel just more consumed, when the one you found influenced you so much but left alone too soon. In paths that you know nothing about and followed just in search of them. With decisions that you can't even remember how you made, perhaps so blindly trusting the opinion or advice of someone that was by your side back then...

It is frustrating. Truly. To feel the life you are living, creating, working so hard on every single day... Just not right, just not yours. So many things constrating you and your visions. So many rhythms and routines that are different from yours. All around you. So many. That it seems impossible to find a way out of this and something that would truly resonate with you for more than just a phase... If you will even ever be able to understand what is it that your heart wants in the first place.

But... The same way as with your life decisions, you are so quick to trust others with their convictions and descriptions of who and how you are too. You so quickly trust their words and vision of you, embodying it so perfectly that it really does feel true. That you are too volatile, too impulsive, too indecisive. That you know too little your own self. That you don't have your own mind or identity, and feel someone only once you become the copy of others and their soul. No ideas, no desires, no passions. Not even one focus, center, of your life that is not someone that you feel so much love and admiration for. You really do believe all of this about yourself. You really, so naively and even sweetly think that others see your core and true self so well... That you don't realize that all that they consider a lack of something, it is what makes you truly whole.

The liberty to change, to feel and experience so many things. The openness of the mind to look at life from different perspectives, of learning everyday new things about this world... We all have it when we are younger. And no one ever considers it as being weak or inconsistent - we know that it is the most important part of our growth. But so many grow, find the safest spot, and settle in so fastly, forgetting everything, even the fact that they themselves can be more, can bloom more... Not you though. Not when you are so versatile, so open, so genuine, so ready to be inspired by this life. No matter if it is through a story, an idea, a feeling, or someone... You are still learning more, you are still becoming more.

Or at least you could if only you didn't bring your own self down so harshly and so often, following the flow of your inspiration only halfway through, convinced that the powerful enthusiasm, the curiosity and passions that you felt weren't truly yours...

The opinions and expectations of people are really strict and specific nowadays, it is true... But only because someone out there, or even close to you, has them, doesn't mean that you need to slow down and force yourself to settle too. It is too soon for you. You have still so many things to do and feel. So many things to see and explore. You are still a child at heart. So innocent, so easily amazed and in love with all that this world has to offer to your soul. So why should you denigrate and change this part of yourself? Why you should judge or be ashamed of something that, if you saw it in someone else, would have filled you with joy, admiration and love? Why you shouldn't love it and embrace it like those that you envy do with their own souls? Why you should do it for others, when being yourself will never hurt no-one?

It never was infatuation, lack of character and discipline or recklessness. It only was your excitement for people and their ideas, so different from yours, so worthy of being tried and felt on your own skin, learned with your own mind and felt with your whole heart, so you can understand them better and connect with them more. It was just your desire to wander, to explore, to bloom more and more with all the colours of this world. It never was you being doomed. But only you being one of the most free souls.

Your mind will change. Your desires. Your passions. Your pace and the direction you'll be guided to take. And that's okay. You will never be stuck or too close to a trap. You never will be lost, as long as you will embrace the power of your soul to hear the many callings of this world.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile Three,

the three of wands, the page of pentacles, the two of cups, the world

It is so rare to be able to truly see this world, its negative parts but also the hopeful ones. It is rare to have your eyes that can so easily recognise something that is worthy of appreciation, something that we can and need to be grateful for. Your gaze wanders further, it is not focused only on what is here and now, right by your side... But it foresees so many ways, options, possibilities of how things can become better, allowing you to have something that no one else has. Your faith and hope.

It is not just being too positive, hopeful or delusional. It is not stupid to notice precious details and signs in things that others are so fast to label as the worst in their life. It is a different form of courage and strength. To be able to recognise the difficulties and challenges, but at the same time still respect them for all that they give you, for who they help you to become.

But the suffering voices of others are too hard to ignore, aren't they? It is difficult to feel truly grateful and hopeful when so many by your side are crushed under the pressure of their fears and struggles. Your gaze that never focused just on you can't start doing it now, only for the sake of your own peaceful mind... You can't walk past them, or ignore them every time they pour out their soul to you. They are your family, your loved ones. People that you would like so much to share with your strength and patience for this world.

So you do it. You are doing it already for quite some time. You are your own supporter and guide, that always reminds you of how things can and will become better if you just hold on tight. And you are the strength and hope of others. Always ready to listen to them, to help them let it all out. But also capable of finding in their stories and situations something good, something little but still worthy of keeping on going. Kind words. Positive affirmations. Loving support. Readiness to be there no matter what. You do so much for others, you give them so much guidance and love in hopes that one day they can finally see and feel for themselves that hope and faith for a best life... But it helps them so little, it seems so feeble compared to their strong convictions of how it never will be better, of how there is nothing here to be grateful for, of how believing in something different is for the delusional and weak ones.. And it hurts you. It hurts you deeply. That not only you seem the only one to at least try to enjoy this life a little.... But that it is also considered so wrong, for whatever reason, to not focus for once only on the worst. It is hurting you so so deeply, to the point that you are starting to feel for the first time that your enthusiasm is becoming more silent, your sureness more fragile. You are starting to feel so much like they feel. More hopeless, less convinced, less motivated to do anything. Because perhaps if so many say so... Then it really is so bad, so different from what your heart and mind wanted to believe...

Or perhaps it is just a moment in which the voices of others are a little more heavy, enough to pressure you into believing that the life is really only this. Perhaps it is only you that became a little tired, after spending so much time and energy on others, on helping them out. Perhaps it is only your mind that focused for so long on others and their lives, stopping to look for good things in yours, not warming it anymore with your joy and hope, and letting it become more dark and cold.

Life or this world didn't change, in the grand scheme of things. It's not like in this period everything indeed became much worse and horrendous, erasing every beautiful and worthy thing. And it's not like they were always right in their overwhelming negativity and convictions, and you are the one to only now open your eyes and see it all... Everything remained still balanced as it was, the bad and good stuff, the pain and love, the struggle and the epiphany of freedom and safety that is so dear to our souls. But after spending so much time in their minds and lives... You just became used to their ways to feel and see this world, starting to do the same, judging your more hopeful side exactly like they always did to you before.

But you still are this way. You will always be. You will still and always have that light in you, that love and gratefulness for the things. You just need to reconnect with them. Nourish them a little more now, so they can light up once again and warm your heart.

And to do this there is no need to pick sides, isolate yourself or say goodbye to those that not feel this life the same way as you do. You can still cherish your connections, you can still try to lift them up and give them that strength that they need so much. You can still try to teach them, and you can still love them... Just remember, at the same time, to love yourself a little more. Your own ways, your own perceptions and opinions. Your own needs to be hopeful about this world and what the future holds. Just remember to listen to your own self, before anyone else, your own convictions. Cherish them and trust them more than the ones of other people. Because it is truly a power of yours, to feel so connected to the ways of this world. It is indeed something that will save and help you, now and forever. It will always give you the needed strength or guidance to go through the hardships, it will always show you the right path when you will feel stuck or lost. Just remember to nourish it first. Before fighting or protecting so fiercely the ways of others... Remember to nourish and embrace the ones that are yours. So you can share your light, your love and strength with others, but without consuming or destroying it in the process, leaving your own self alone and in the cold.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

[very-normal-abt-this]

I forgive you = I don't forgive myself.

 Here is a little psychological analysis of the worst sentence ever uttered in the history of everything. I've decided that Aziraphale is utilizing a subconscious psychological defense strategy called "projection" (I'm a professional psychologist, so I can use the lingo :P)

We all use this at certain times in our lives. What happens is, when we feel that our behaviors, feelings, or thoughts are unacceptable; When they go against some of our values and create an internal value conflict - we feel shame, anger, fear, confusion. Feeling this way about ourselves is extremely uncomfortable, so sometimes, instead of acknowledging those feelings ("Wow I am feeling really angry at myself right now"), people will *Project* those feelings onto the person who is involved in the situation that is causing us to feel that value conflict. And, we are more likely to use this defense strategy when our emotional resources have been depleted. When we don't have the emotional energy to recognize and cope with painful feelings that we are feeling. Sometimes its just easier to be angry at someone else, instead of being angry at ourselves, you know?

Now, lets look at how this concept applies to Aziraphale's reaction to *The Kiss.* We know that his emotional resources have certainly been depleted by all of the emotional events that just occurred in the span of a day: planning and executing the ball, building up the courage to ask Crowley to dance, actually dancing with Crowley in front of everyone, realizing that he put his guests in serious danger when demons show up, fighting for his life, seeing Jimbriel and Beelz get their happy ending and realizing that it is possible,  seeing Metatron come down from Heaven, and finally being offered an insane opportunity for himself and for Crowley. Wow, that is.... A LOT, don't you agree?  So, by the time Aziraphale is having the "final 15" conversation with Crowley - he can no longer effectively process unexpected and complex thoughts and emotions.

Uuuuunfortunately, that is exactly what he gets during the conversation with Crowley. First, Crowley has an unexpected and complex reaction to the offer of being together as angels (unexpected to emotionally unhinged Aziraphale, not to us of course). Then, Crowley proceeds to drops an emotional bombshell by doing something that has never been done before - openly discussing the nature of their relationship and his feeling about Aziraphale. After that, Aziraphale himself chooses to show the most vulnerability and honesty about his feelings that he has ever shown (i.e. "I need you!"). And what is the final cherry on top of this "emotional tsunami" pie? The straw that completely breaks the camel's back? (aka temporarily breaks his friggin mind) ***THE KISS.***

As an aside, I am not AT ALL saying that Crowley was wrong for anything that he did or said in the final 15. I believe he was right to say and do all of it. I am simply breaking down the factors that were present in the context of that conversation. And one of the factors is -- the timing of it all was just horrendous. It was horrendous, because both of them had very depleted emotional resources at that moment in time. Aziraphale was basically primed to become completely overwhelmed and confused by all the new and complicated emotions/ideas that he was required to process. On top of it, he was required to process them in a very short amount of time, with damn Dickatron putting pressure on him to make a decision ASAP.

Okay, so what do humans do when we are completely overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions? Sometimes what happens is - we REVERT to the familiar. We REGRESS to things that are the most automatic and easiest to understand. We revert to thoughts and behaviors that have been the most practice, even if they are not effective and not relevant to the situation at hand (which we don't recognize until later, when we are out of that "fight of flight" state). 

Back to Aziraphale. He is experiencing an insane amount of emotions during and after the kiss. He is trying to process his emotions and the implications of the kiss; and he is also trying to make a super hard decision, all at the same time. What he should have done is say to Crowley - "wow this is a lot for me to process right now and I'm completely overwhelmed. Can I please have 15 minutes to myself so I can re regulate my nervous system, and then we will keep talking?"

Unfortunately, when we're overwhelmed by emotions - its really hard to see the different options available to us. We go into a sort of "tunnel vision" and revert to our internalized and automatic beliefs and behaviors. For Aziraphale, that means - regressing to the old beliefs that Heaven has programmed into him. Maybe beliefs like: acting on carnal desires is wrong (look at what happened to adam and eve); good angels don't engage in physical intimacy and they certainly don't crave it or enjoy it; it's selfish to consider choosing your personal happiness and your personal desires over an opportunity to help others/help the world.   If those are some of his old values - Aziraphale has just acted against all of them!

When we act against our old values (even when we know that those values are no longer working for us, and we are actively working on changing them) - we still feel ashamed, guilty, and angry at ourselves. This is especially likely to happen in times of great stress and emotional overwhelm. So, now we get to the equation from the top. Aziraphale is feeling ashamed of himself, angry at himself, and guilty for his thoughts and feelings (i.e. for liking/wanting the kiss, for loving Crowley, for wanting to be with Crowley more than he wants to "help the world").

He is feeling that he needs to be forgiven for the way he feels, and for the way he is. However, due to his temporarily deficient emotional resources  -  Aziraphale is not able to accurately attribute the feelings he is experiencing (anger, shame, guilt, desire for forgiveness) to the correct source. He mistakenly decides that he must be feeling those feelings towards Crowley (not toward himself), and he must be feeling them because of what Crowley did (Kiss him), not because of what Aziraphale did (enjoy and reciprocate the kiss). And Viola, the process of Projection is now complete.

He says: "I forgive you" to Crowley, but Aziraphale is the one who wants his own forgiveness. Which, unfortunately, he does not get. At least not yet. (Yay for religious trauma).

In conclusion, the sad thing about bad timing and projection is: now Crowley is worried that Aziraphale sees him as sinful and unacceptable, as someone who needs forgiveness. But the truth is, Aziraphale is the one who still struggles with seeing himself as sinful and unacceptable, and as someone who needs forgiveness for his urges, desires, and feelings.

But, the good news is - Aziraphale does not always see himself in that way. We know that he has been putting a lot of work into breaking away from heaven's toxic values, and into developing his own values (e.g. "our side"). Like I said above, old habits die hard, they are more likely to surface during times of stress, and all that is a normal part of the process of psychological change.

I am very confident that once Aziraphale has a hot minute to himself, once he has time to calmly process everything that's happened - he will see some things differently. And he will eventually be doing the Apology Dance for "using projection as a deadly weapon. " :)

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Don't Speak 27

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, allusions to abuse, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: stuff is going on at work (I'm not in trouble) but it's kinda dramatic rn so...

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

Dr. Kemp walks in with a cup of tea and puts it in front of you. He insisted on making it for you and you were too hazy to deny him. You're still reeling from your session with Andy and now you're struggling to reset before your one-on-one. 

He smiles and backs away, slipping your journal from the table where you left it and bringing it to you. You take it as he claims the vacated armchair across from you.

"So," he leans an arm on the chair casually, "I know it's been a long morning. We'll try not to overwhelm ourselves, yes?"

You nod and look down at the journal. You're already there. You feel like folding over and shutting down.

"How are you feeling? Is it a lot?"

You swallow and mouth a 'yes', too weak to get much out. You can feel him watching you. You can't even look back at him.

"Right, I guess... there are some things we need to delve into. For your own good."

"Okay," you croak, resting your journal in your lap.

"Have some tea, get settled," he suggests.

You reach forward, keeping a hand on the notebook as you take the mug. You blow over the steam and inhale the scent. It smells different.

"I brought it with me, I hope you like apple cinnamon," he says.

Finally, your eyes flick up and meet his. He watches you expectantly so you take a dainty sip. You hum, it's tasty.

"Thank you," you say and put the cup back on the table.

"Not at all," he runs his fingers along the armrest, "I have a very sensitive question for you."

Your brows draw together. You stare at his neck. He takes a breath, chest rising and falling.

"How much experience do you have in intimate relationships?" He asks.

The room goes stolid as you blink. He waits as you clutch the book tight, nearly bending the hard cover. Your lip twitches and your lashes flutter.

"I..."

"I know it can be hard, but we need to talk about these things. It's obvious you have some shame associated with that part of your life and self. That's not healthy but we can't treat you if you don't talk about it," he explains, "so, you don't need to tell me everything. That's something else you can put in your journal, okay?"

"Okay," you agree, "I can do that."

"But I still want an answer. There are some things I do need to know," he prompts.

You hang your head. You bite your lip deep as you weigh how to say it. Really, it's simple.

"None," you murmur, staring at your toes, "no one wants me."

He hums thoughtfully, "maybe not before, but you must see now that that's changed. I think it's obvious how Andy feels... isn't it?"

You nod again, a lump in your throat.

"But let's not focus on him, let's talk about you. Just you. Is there anything that you've done... alone?" He leans forward, just a little.

You blanch, breathless as the room tilts. You know what he means. You can't believe it. He's only trying to help, right? He is a doctor after all.

You grab the mug, comforting yourself with the hot porcelain. You part your lips and close your eyes. Just be honest, he's not there to judge you. He might even be able to help you.

"Yes," you utter tightly, "not... much. I... I was scared... so... just a little... touch."

You hear him inhale, "right, good. Thank you for your honesty."

Your eyes snap open, "your welcome."

"Let's go over your homework," he stands and you shrink down just slightly.

You watch him as he slowly crosses the room. He has very nice eyes, you think, and his hair looks soft. There's something about him that is welcoming in that moment.

"Just a second, okay, sweetheart?" He holds up a finger.

You force a half-smile and wait as he leaves the room. He comes back with a small plastic bag. It's black and unmarked. You've never seen a bag like that. 

"May I sit?" He approaches the couch. You wave to the cushion quietly, "so, this is what you're going to work on. If you're going to get more comfortable in your relationship, you have to get more comfortable with yourself." He puts the bag on top of your journal, "you can use that to... explore yourself."

You look down and stare. He laughs again, softly. "Go on and look, it's yours."

You hesitantly touch the seam of the bag. You trace your fingers to the top and lift up the edge. Your eyes widen as you see the small silver shape in plastic packaging. You think you know exactly what it is.

"I can't..." you begin.

"You don't have to use it but you do need to... experiment with yourself. It's healthy." He says, "but if you need it... you have it now."

You move the bag under your journal as if to hide it. You give a noncommittal nod.

"And you can write down how you feel after," he offers, "oh, and... I can give you my email? If you have questions outside our typical sessions. How about that?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a burgundy pen, "can I put it in your journal?"

You bite down and reluctantly put down your mug. You open your notebook to a blank page and hand it to him. He puts down his email and shuts the book, putting it back in your lap.

"You did a really good job," he gently brushes his knuckles down your sleeve, "what happened to that purple sweater? I haven't seen you in it."

You shrug, "Andy liked this better..."

"Well, you shouldn't wear what Andy likes, you should wear what makes you feel nice," he gives a tug on the sleeve and draws away, standing with a groan, "well, I think you've had enough of me. Go enjoy your tea, doctor's order."

You look up at him. You slide forward and take your mug, standing with trepidation as you watch him. He smells like a forest. You like it.

"See you next week, right?"

"Sure, next week," you agree before turning away. You're just happy to get some time alone. You feel like you haven't had much of that lately.

🕊️

"Dove," Andy's timbre undercuts the chirpy tones of your music. You look at the door and lower the pen from your tablet, tapping pause as your dread returns, "Steve's heading out. Why don't you come say goodbye?"

You put your tablet aside and push yourself heavily across the bed. You stand and drag your feet, the handle rattle before you can reach it. Andy opens the door from the other side. 

"Sorry, I was drawing," you murmur. 

"That's fine," he says, "he asked me to come get you."

"Alright," you shrug.

Andy's eyes fall to your new outfit; the one you'd chosen yourself that morning. You see the small twitch at the corner of his lips. You move past him as if to outrun his ire.

You go downstairs and find Dr. Kemp by the door, buttoning up his black wool jacket. He has a scarf around his neck and you recall the redness in his cheeks upon his arrival. You peer out the narrow pane beside the door. 

"Is it very cold out?" You ask.

"Probably even colder now," he smiles with good humour, "I never mind it. Favourite time of year."

"Oh," you bounce on your feet, "Amber always says it's hot chocolate season."

He chuckles, "that's a good way of looking at it. Hot chocolate; I'll have to remember that next time I come."

"Oh, uh, no, you don't have to–"

"I didn't say I have to, but I want to," he assures, "you a marshmallow girl? Or you like whipped cream?"

You can't help a smile of your own, "either."

"Alright, I'll bring both," he promises, "I'm sure Andrew will stick with his dark roast."

Andy growls but doesn't argue.

"Well I see I've overstayed my welcome," Kemp says, "I'll leave you two alone. Oh, Andy," he continues as he checks his watch, "what did you need me to bring for Thanksgiving? You said no to the peach cobbler so I have to learn how to make something else."

"Bring whatever," Andy replies dismissively.

"Oh, now he changes his tune," he scoffs, "what's your favourite?" Kemp looks at you. "For thanksgiving?"

You think and suddenly feel very sad. You remember the little dinners you would have with Amber, just the two of you. She always made you your favourite dish even if it wasn't very traditional.

"Banana pudding," you eke out grimly, "but… it's not very seasonal, I guess."

"But delicious," he says, "you okay?"

"Yeah, I… I'm fine," you fold your hands in front of you, trying not to let your homesickness seep through. "I… I'll see you next time."

"Sure thing," he winks, "Andrew," he nods and shakes the other man's hand, "you take care of her. She's had a long day."

You stand, spaced out, his silhouette blurring as you hear the door open and close. You just want to lay down and not think. You don't even have the energy left to draw.

"Dove," Andy touches your sleeve, "what's going on?"

"Nothing, tired," you lie. 

"Alright," he accepts dully, "maybe you should relax like he said. How about I run you a bath?"

You don't answer. You pass him and head up the stairs. You can't tell him the truth, you know it'll make him mad. You don't want banana pudding, you want Amber's banana pudding.

"Hey, talk to me," he follows you, "a nice bubble bath sounds nice, doesn't it? It'll help take the tension out."

"Fine," you mutter as you get to the top of the stairs and turn down the hall.

"Is that it? No thanks?" He says tersely.

"I'm sorry," you face him just as you get to your door, "thank you, Andy, I really appreciate it."

"Do you? I thought we were making progress."

"We…are," you frown.

"Uh huh, is that why you brought her up?" He challenges. You shake your head. "Amber… you mentioned her and now you're all upset about it."

You push your lip out, "I miss her."

"You're better off here, where you can get better."

"I know but… she's still my sister."

"Right, and how much do you think she cares? She's got a whole house to herself now. And you've got one too," he gestures to the walls, "you have to stop thinking of that place as home, this is your home," he insists, "so go grab some PJs and I'll get the tub going."

You dip your head. You’re just sad, you wish he would realise it’s not his fault. That you’re lost and you always have been. You don’t know who you are or where you belong.

“Thanks,” you whisper and turn to open the bedroom door.

“Grab some of your new pajamas,” he says.

You go inside and open the dresser. You didn’t fail to notice that it found its way back flush to the wall. That must’ve been when Andy took your journal. That thought bites at your sadness, instead sparking your anger. You still can’t understand why he would do that.

You stop as you open the drawer and stare inside. You sift through the neatly folded clothes. A frilly pink nightie, another pair of pajamas with shorts printed with tiny purple hearts, items you would never pick for yourself. You remember what Dr. Kemp said.

You push aside the new sets and pick out the pair of plaid jammie pants and the grey sweatshirt with Snoopy on it. That’s your favourite pair of pajamas. Amber had the shirt with Woodstock. You hug the fabric and use your hip to close the drawer.

You grab the same novel you’ve been trying to finish since you got here and go back into the hallway. You near the bathroom door and peek inside as Andy bends over the tub. You clear your throat and set your things on the counter.

He stands and shakes the water of his hand. You can smell lavender. He faces you and dries his hand on a towel. His eyes drift from you to the clothes on the counter.

“Oh, those are… cute.”

“I like em,” you wring your hands.

“Yeah, but… they’re old. You have all your new stuff.”

“There’s no holes,” you argue, “and it’s getting colder.”

“Sure, sure,” he crosses his arms, his sleeves snug to his biceps.

You keep your eyes to the floor and move to stand against the counter. You glance over at the door, waiting for him to leave. He hesitates, stopping just in front of you.

“Dove, is everything okay?” He asks.

You tilt your head and examine the tiles. Your pulse is erratic. You shouldn’t say it. It’s not a big deal. But Dr. Kemp says you should speak up.

“No,” you clasp your hands tight, “I’m… I’m… annoyed that you took my journal.”

“Oh,” he lets the single syllable hang, “is that it? I apologised.”

“Yeah, but… but you went into my room and you went through my stuff,” you say, your tone wobbly, “and that’s… that’s wrong.”

“Well, dove, your room? This is my house,” he corrects you, “it’s not like I was snooping. I just forgot to ask you to grab it so I did it myself.” He sighs, “you know, I love you but you make such a big deal out of things.”

“It’s a big deal to me,” you sniff, “and… and you didn’t mention Thanksgiving. I didn’t know– I didn’t know we would do that. I… what if I don’t want to?”

“Don’t want to. Sweetie, why wouldn’t you want to? It’s a holiday. Our first,” he puts his hands on his hips.

You’re quiet. You swallow tightly. You take a breath and release it slowly. Your heart flips and you feel the room shift.

“Can I invite Amber?” You ask so abruptly that you have to slap your hand over your mouth. The thought escapes so fast you can’t stop it.

“Amber?” He repeats bitterly. “Why would you wanna do that?”

“Well, Thanksgiving is for family and… and you said, I want to… I want…” you can’t catch your breath, “to— say… s-s-sorry.”

“Calm down, alright? Don’t be so dramatic. Why? Sorry for what?”

“For hurting her. Like I hurt you, right? That’s what you said.”

He looks away and your eyes flick up briefly. His jaw is set and his eyes are fiery. You shy away as he faces you again.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he backs up and grabs the door, “take your bath. Get your head straight.”

He storms out and slams the door. You whimper and stare at the painted wood. You’re so stupid. One step forward, a hundred backwards. You just can’t let things be good.

[a-child-of-chaos906]

You can just love.

Today I learned a lesson from Sutekh, that I want to tell everyone, who practice paganism in one who or another. A lesson, that everyone should realise amd remember.

You can just love. You don't need any sign, you don't need to be the chosen one, you can just love. You can love every Deity, every spirit, every forse of nature. You can pick and pray, that how it was in ancient times. What is stopping you from this? Which boundaries? There is none, except one, and that boundaries that we create on our own. You can't imagine, how I drove myself to tears with thoughts that everything should be exactly how in my head. How my throat spasmed, when I saw posts about Loki and His family, how I fast looked away, seeing posts about Zeus, Poseidon and Hephaestus, how my lips pursed, when posts about element connection and Heru the Elder and the Younger and Wesir appears. I kept my feelings locked. "Take time, you will get as good as them with time and learning, it's nothing", – I kept telling myself, while my heart suffered.

There are almost no rules (the one main is respect closed practices, don't be an asshole), except the ones, we created ourselves in our heads. Who told me, that there should be exactly N number of Gods I worship? Who told me, that I should wait a sing? Who the fuck said that all of this is true? There are people and opinions, but there are millions of paths, and it's only for YOU to decide, who to listen and which path take. You don't need to have close relationship, you don't need to "work" with them. You can just love. The whisper of Their name is enough, the thought about Them and your smile is enough. Your simple love is enough. After all, there are no boundaries about worshipping Deities, Spirits, Fairies, Elements, Animals, Nature, Cosmos and Universe except the ones, we, for some reason, create for ourselves.

All this time I kept my love under a lock, just because someone somewhere said or wrote something. All this time I suffered because of this boundaries, that I created myself. Why the fuck I should have them? Why I let someone force me to take another path, that I didn't like?

All this evening there was a big thunderstorm. About an hour there were lightnings, and I felt safe in Sutekh's storm. I started to change, because I wanted, and I asked Him to aid me on this path. But I couldn't do it, if I will continue lie to myself. After all this time, I let myself be honest with my feelings about certain Gods and worship. I wanted to love Them, I wanted to be with Them, even if not as close as with my "main" Gods. It became easier. It became happier. It became right.

I don't think I would be close with Poseidon as close as with Hades, but it doesn't matter. I can just love finding Loki in crunchy leaf, that looked uncruncy, I can just love Wesir and His feeling of home, I can just love Heru, whenever I see a feather.

There are no boundaries (except, again, closed practices), except the ones we created ourselves. You can worship whoever you want without a sing, you can worship a lot of Gods and not feeling guilty, you can not communicating with Them and just believing in Them. You can just love, because love is enough. That is what Sutekh told me, no, remind me. And that is what I am telling you. Just love. Love is enough.

[assignedmale]

As a trans creator whose work went viral an awful lot of times and who was targeted by so many hate campaigns that I lost count of them (I started publishing Assigned Male Comics 9 years ago, to give you an idea), I think it would have been very easy for me to go down a bitter path. Our communities are merciless. Our movement is obsessed with ideological purity. It's a fact. Our siblings will devore us for the smallest misstep. It's very easy to become jaded, when you give your entire being to a cause that will treat you as disposable as soon as it's done draining all your energy. When I started getting invited to different countries to speak about my work, I viewed it as some kind of "reward" - I create work that spoke to people, so it got me speaking engagements. I realized that it was in fact the opposite : it's seeing the impact art can have on communities that became the real catalyst of it. With all the hate I've attracted, from transphobes, far-right extremists and other trans people alike, I often wonder why I keep doing it. What is it that makes it that I'm still there after a whole decade, when it would have been easier to let resent and bitterness become my fuel. I always come to the same conclusion. It's meeting all of you, meeting so many communities from all around the planet, that keeps reminding me of the healing and transformative powers of belonging and empowerment. It's only with that in mind that the incredible amount of responsibilities and pressure that comes with a platform such as mine can make sense. Because why do we do this? Why do we burn ourselves out for a cause that we know will throw us away the minute doubt is cast on our ideological purity? It's so that "thriving" may be something more to trans people everywhere than a distant dream. Your activism should be to work towards that. And that starts at home. As a trans person, when you're given a voice and an audience, feeling attacked suddenly becomes a thing of every instant, from the moment you wake up to when you go to bed. It's not something volunteer social media moderators can help you with. I will always have compassion to anyone who goes through that, willingly or not. We ask a lot from trans public figures, who literally put their lives at risk for doing so. It shouldn't be that dangerous to do the work they do. Let's all recognize that. That being said, bullying, high-school-level drama and feuds should never be tolerated. Resist the urge to dogpile and raid. You might be filled with righteousness right now, but I can assure you that you will not feel better afterward. The world won't be a better place for it. When the world becomes too much, I retreat in a corner and write comics. Sometimes, after a long creative process of multiple hours of drawing, rewriting and rewording, I post one of them on the internet. Most of them, I keep to myself. Thousands of Assigned Male Comics strips none of you will ever get to see. I believe that our minds aren't made for the instantaneity of social media. I want my readers to sit back and get thinking, which is why you will rarely see me post more than 3 or 4 times a week, and only a very curated selection of posts. I basically hit the "post" button and run back offline. One day, I'll retire entirely from social media. When that happens, I'll keep posting on Webtoon. Go read the comics there, it's under the title "Serious Trans Vibes". "She's done it," you can then think. "She's thriving."

[mybrainproblems]

hello, i'm finales georg...

i don't want to further clutter up the notes on this post while responding to the tags below but the persistence of the "finale is short/scenes are missing/extra ad break” conspiracies drives me absolutely bananas when i've watched the finale ten times and have posted about this A LOT trying to clear things up. (disclaimer that yes, i'm a goddamn destiel shipper but i care about Facts above all.)

ok but this is weird because i'd swear the episode was shorter (11 missing scenes!) but okay. maybe we all mandela effected ourselves into #beleving that. because it felt shorter. but i will die on the hill that it had another ad break. i understand this person has the thing #recorded with ads so i am thinking maybe different ad breaks in different idk time zones??? #because the finale did air an hour earlier in canada so maybe idk i am reaching here but maybe different states or whatever had different #ad breaks??? as for the last minute changes - wasn't the cover band asked for permission to use their version of carry on like a week before #the thing aired??? so even if the episode was 42 minutes and had no additional ad break - which i am side eying but lets say all was normal #i will always say they were changing thing until the absolute last minute (carry on my wayward son X 2 #the crew on the bridge which is not only giant 4th wall breaking but also wow they really got all those people in one place in times of #covid???) #anyway. tinfoil hat stays on sorry guys :/ (via @officialmisha)

short and snarky: there are plenty of real and sourced examples of network homophobia and scripted/directed destiel scenes being cut to point to. we don’t need to make this stuff up just bc the finale wasn’t what we wanted. so it’s not the mandela effect — it’s ppl repeating a conspiracy/rumor bc it supports their narrative and it’s easier and more fun to repeat something that supports a narrative they already believe (misha or something destiel was cut) vs the boring act of fact checking.

longer circumspect answer with links bc like many ppl i am in my debunking era and i rewatched "roblox_oof" last night.

like i said. i've watched the finale ten times. i’ve gone over the episode with a fine toothed comb and posted a detailed breakdown of timing marks on my blog. it’s actually extremely obvious where the ad breaks are once you know roughly where to look for them (they have a longer fade to black instead of a quick cut scene change). there’s no room for extra ad breaks and i think this conspiracy/rumor persists in part bc the episode feels so sparse in terms of cast and the fact that the episode’s momentum hits a barn post (and rebar) less than 20min into an hour-long programming block.

also i’m begging ppl to actually look at that timing mark post. it’s very straightforward and i spent a lot of time on it. i don’t care if ppl plagiarize it at this point if it means this conspiracy stops. i've got almost every second accounted for.

the "eleven missing scenes" that you're thinking of are probably from the finale script of questionable authenticity that @spnscripthunt acquired back in 2021 which can be found here. it's dated as the “final draft” from 11 sep 2020 and filming on 15x20 wrapped on 10 sep 2020. as noted at the bottom of this superwiki page "[the] script came from someone claiming to have been the person who did the closed captions for the show in Russia. There are some indications that it possibly may not be authentic, but this has not been confirmed."

if we go with the possibility that this was a transcript meant for subtitles, the "omitted" scenes were probably written but never filmed since it's the "final draft" and not a color revision (blue, green, yellow, etc). unfortunately, i’ve lost track of where i read it and a preliminary duckduckgo search isn’t bringing it up bc there's a program for script writing called final draft, but iirc the “final draft” version of a script is a transcript of what was filmed (e.g. there are parts of that 15x20 script that ended up being deleted scenes on the DVD). spnscripthunt also has an example of a confirmed final draft for 09x02 (funnily enough, also a dabb-penned ep). if anyone can confirm with a source that i have the purpose of the “final draft” version designation wrong, please let me know! i love being proven wrong with Facts.

i do want to acknowledge that the two “final drafts” do look different from each other and the 15x20 one doesn't look like a “real” final draft script since it lacks the revision/versioning dates that a script would normally have on the cover page. it could be that it was intended for subtitles; there's the chance it's been re-typed to anonymize it if there was anything indicating who the "owner" was, tho that seems a wee bit cloak and dagger to me. and again: it's considered of questionable authenticity. there are some things that don't quite line up but oh dear god i don't want to get even further out into the weeds than i already am.

i won't disagree that it's weird as hell that neoni only got asked about using their cover seven days prior to the episode airing (tiktok here). my personal theory is that they were hoping to get a more expensive song (maybe a zepp song, idk) and didn't manage to secure the rights in the end. again: this is pure conjecture on my part! but i could absolutely see someone working on the show hearing neoni’s cover and liking it and then maybe they were using it as a placeholder until it got down to the wire and they had to make a call/send the ep to networks. because yes, it is baffling they played a song and then a cover of it with only a 40 second break between. (i do actually really like the neoni cover! the placement is just weird and i think it could have worked if they had the kansas version at the beginning and closed with neoni's full cover.)

as to the 4th wall break COVID stuff: robert singer talked with variety magazine about filming the last two episodes and the logistics of filming during a pandemic. whether they should have been filming during a pandemic is a separate discussion but their use of office vs set pods, strict quarantining and daily testing meant that they had zero positive tests in the month they were filming (18 aug to 10 sep). so given all that, i personally don’t think it’s totally out of pocket to have everyone standing outdoors on a bridge for maybe an hour to get a drone shot of them together. (i won’t get into incubation periods and viral load, but if everyone tested negative that day and every day for a month prior, it was a fairly low risk scene to film outdoors and for all we know everyone was masked until the last possible second. there were plenty of outdoor masked protests in 2020 that weren't superspreader events.)

and before anyone brings up “but misha was in vancouver!” i know someone who looked into it and they said no dice, nothing matched up between the backgrounds in those pics and places in vancouver. his statements about “us” going back to set over the summer were pretty generic in hindsight and “we”/"us" could be him or the spn crew generally. unfortunately i’m not able to find those tweets but the use of “we” was likely so as not to give away he wouldn’t be returning to set. (bc we were absolutely casbaited!) and bc it comes up a lot: the "onion field pic" was from when they were filming 15x17 and was not taken while filming 15x19 and 15x20.

besides, it would be ridiculous to go through the financial and logistical headaches of bringing someone into the country to film during a pandemic, only to cut their scenes in the end! honestly, the script is pretty tight when the scenes are given so much breathing room! the only thing i could see being further cut down is The Monologue and even then, i don’t think there was any intent to cut it down given it was filmed in fairly long takes.

i’ve said it many times before, but i believe the finale was fucked long before they returned to set. walker got the green light in sep 2019 and it was being marketed heavily as a “follow on” show to spn given jared’s involvement. the demo they were courting for walker has little to no overlap with the demo for destiel fans — why would they want a finale that catered to a demo they weren't interested in courting? we just went through a historic double strike that exposed so much of the rot of business interests overriding creative vision. this isn't completely unfounded conjecture.

i will not apologize for the length of this bc i wanted to be thorough, but i do want to give context that i think the reason these conspiracies and rumors grind my gears so much is because anyone can fact check all of this. the truth is out there and absolutely none of it is that hard to find. the most time consuming/difficult part of this was finding someone who had a DVR’d copy of the finale from when it aired live and they actually found me themselves after i’d been low key asking around for a year!

and like. i get it. conspiracies are fun. but there are so many sourced instances of network homophobia and destiel being cut that it's like. why is this something folks are hanging onto? the cw is notorious for having upper level meddling with finales bc there's a follow-on show they want to shuffle fans along to and spn is no exception.

[flyboy254cnchtv-blog]

So, I've been processing things over the past few days. I thought I knew my country, but I didn't. If anything, it proved me so wrong that I've been waking up nauseous, puking, forcing myself not to sob. I'm not one of the people most in danger, but the people I care about are. So I'm gonna go stream of consciousness, and please forgive me but I need to get this off my chest somewhere. For the love of all that's sacred, don't leave us. If you need to keep yourself or your loved ones safe, do it, do not feel like that's wrong. But you are needed. You are valued. You should not let those monsters in human flesh tell you your worth. I served in the Marine Corps, and in the service I learned. I learned about "the talk" every black family in America has to give their children for when they will, will, be stopped by a cop. I learned that so much of our military is made up of the children of those who came here searching for a better life. I learned that so many of my comrades are gay, lesbian, bi, and were better Marines that I could have ever hoped to be.

This freed me from the shell I'd been raised in. Whatever lies my Irish-Catholic parents tried to feed me didn't scan any longer. The only thing I learned to take from them is that immigrants, all immigrants, deserve to exist.

I will not call myself an ally, attempting to apply that appellation to oneself feels vapid and self-absolving. I will not get everything right, because I still have to learn a lot. But I know that for now, I will wake up, shake my boots off, and do what I can. Because my friends, my family, will need me to be as strong as I can.

This will not be easy. There will be moments where we will all ask if we can even go on. We can't lie to ourselves that somehow it will all work out. We need to get together, plan, and organize where and how we can. Our foes believe we are weak. Their mistake is that this is what they think of compassion, of morality, of simple decency.

You are valued. You are here. I want to see a world where you are able to be free, happy, and safe, no matter who you are. I posted earlier the quote from Bobby Sands. "Our revenge will be the laughter of our children." I do believe that. Because the woman I love says I'm the one she wants to bring up children with, and the only way that happens is if we cast down the false idol they have raised.

I still believe in the ideals in the Declaration of Independence. That the Constitution is a living document made to be changed, to be amended so that it can adapt to the times. I swore an oath, and I'm too damn stubborn to just accept that these terrors will persist. I'm not a leader, but I know how to follow orders. Point me in the right direction, and I'll do what I can.

Whoever reads this, you are not alone. You will never be anything less than human. The fact that your very existence, your happiness, fills them with such a rage is what I want to help you keep alive. If you're a person of color, if you're LGBT+, if you're a woman, know that there are still enough of us out there who want to help. Who want to know how. We got decked last Tuesday, but one slug to the jaw doesn't end the fight. This isn't Frasier vs Ali. This is Rocky vs Creed, and we're going all twelve. It'll be easier, and worth it, if we all go along together.

They think we're out, but already there are organizations, movements, local communities rebuilding and prepping. They are proud, and they have ripped their mask off now and brag of the evils they will inflict. We will use their words against them, and we will know that those who supported them have nowhere to hide. They wanted this, and they're going to get it. We need to be ready to get back to work after, whatever may come.

I hope you forgive me for what must seem like a ramble. I hope that you stick around, too. This fight is not, and will never be over until the last trace of their hate and propaganda is wiped from the face of the earth. Stay smart, stay resilient, and stay human. We will survive, and we will hear the laughter of the children before we know it.

[ilminnestrone]

Midgar, 22 of July 1999

My most beloved Sephiroth,

I know that you'd probably rather spend today in recollection than reading a letter from an annoying and meddlesome friend,  and I wouldn't blame you if you did. But I guess this is the only way I know how to express my sympathy without sounding like a sarcastic little shit.

I have a mother and a month ago, on her birthday, I didn't call her. She didn't call me on mine either: she wrote a one-line message and I replied with a cold "thank you". That's all I can do, after all these years of trying.

Because I had a mother, and from time to time I actually made an effort to try and love her. I never lacked anything, and I cannot honestly say that she is a bad person, or that the evil she did to me was done maliciously: she was -and still is- just a human being, imperfect like all of us, whose mistakes caused deeper wounds than she ever intended. She simply should never have been a mother, especially mine: but how could she have known?

For many years I have envied your orphan condition, and just writing this makes me feel insensitive, horrible, less than human. I envied you because in absence, no one can let anyone down: you can decide to imagine a good, kind, beautiful, welcoming, supportive mother as much as you need one, if you did not have one. You can convince yourself that she would have been a perfect, adequate, apologising parent. You can believe that she would have defended you to the hilt at every possible opportunity and never been contradicted by the cruelty of reality, because she was simply not there to confirm or deny it.

I'm not the right person to tell you that load of crap like “she would have been so proud of you, she would have loved you for who you are, she would have accepted every flaw you had, every half-quintal of hair in the shower every morning and your stupid pouty face before your morning coffee”, because I don't know if that's true. There are wonderful mothers and there are bad mothers, and I don't have a crystal ball to tell you whether I would have been having tea with that Jenova Lady every Wednesday or spending Sunday afternoons drying your tears after another stupid argument.

What I can tell you is that it took me years to realise that I was an idiot: you and I were the same. We could have been brothers in suffering because we were grieving for exactly the same thing: a loving mother that neither of us had.

Neither of us had the mother we would need, and that is enough to mourn. To mourn not only a serene, happier childhood, an enriching relationship with someone easier to love than an absent (emotionally or actually) parent, but our very existence: what we might have been if we had had a mother who could have really pushed us forward in life, instead of keeping us on the cruel leash of regret? A question without an answer, I know, but we can't stop asking: who needs to be a hero when all they needed was a mother's love?

Perhaps Angeal does so much for our broken souls without even realising it, caring for us and never asking for anything in return. Perhaps his love is all the healing we deserve. Maybe Lazard is a bit of a mom too. Isn't it funny that, even in such a shamefully phallocentric world, we surround ourselves with mother figures? I know that friends and lovers can't make up for such an important, foundational relationship.

I know that I wasn't here to support and hold the lonely and scared child you probably were: I had Angeal and that probably made up for a lot of things. But I'm here now. We are here now. I really hope that makes a difference.

Your dear friend

Genesis

[wenellyb]

Hello, I know you’re new to the fandom so I just want to tell you you two things:

1. You can be mad a Ryan for what he said but believing he only apologised for keeping the job is just projecting. Oliver was mad too and not only him but more members and he didn’t speak to Ryan in years, they’re friends now, that means that Ryan is human and he has learnt, because we all made mistake and we all have to unlearn and educate ourselves.

Also, and please I love Tommy, but it’s also fun seeing how a lot of people (who hates Ryan/Eddie and Buddie) defend Tommy when he was racist and misogynistic when we met him. And he didn’t apologise, we just saw him talking with Chim and helping them and assumed that he did. So, if people can forgive a character and defend him saying “he has grown up and he has learnt and he made mistakes because he’s human and Chim and Hen have forgiven him”, we can say the same to a real human who was also forgiven by Oliver, Aisha and other members.

2. As people said, Roben from lone star (I don’t even know if that’s how you write his name) supports the genocide. He’s also problematic in different ways, and he hasn’t apologised, not even once. In fact, he has done the opposite and he hasn’t taken the time to unlearn and educate himself.

I’m not here to make you love Ryan, but we can learn from our mistakes. And maybe, if you can’t see just that, maybe it’s because you’re not ready and that’s why you’re projecting your feelings towards his apology. Anyways, that’s all! Bye!

Hi Anon!!!

Please don't mix 2 things:

- Tommy: fictional person

- Ryan Guzman : Actual real person

No matter how bad Tommy's actions have been, you can't compare the 2. It's easier for me to believe that a character has grown than a real person even though it happens all the time.

Now that we made that clear, please show me the post of people defending Tommy's past actions, because I'm not saying there aren't any, I'm saying I haven't seen any.

The post I have seen were posts calling out Tommy's past actions but saying he has grown since then , especially he made up with Chimney and Hen, exactly everthing you are saying about Ryan Guzman. You're saying there hasn't been an onscreen apology but with the kid of show 911 is...there are always scenes missing, where we have to guess what happened in between.

And again no!!! Fictional characters are not the same as real people! I love Anakin Skywalker but would hate him in real life (extreme example I know). Moving past Tommy's actions isn't the same as moving past Ryan's actions.

What you can do is compare Ryan's actions to Lou's actions: two actual people.

And take a look at your fandom, that is calling for forgiveness , education and growth for one, but calling for the other one to get fired??

Can you see why I'm annoyed by the double standards?

Especially since Lou's video was taken out of context.

This isn't against you anon personnally it's more a general statement, but fandoms will select whether or not to be mad based on whether the person involved is their fave or not.

So let me tell you the timeline of what happened and you'll let me know when I "projected my feelings about his apology":

1. I saw an interview where Ryan Guzman was defending the use of the n-word by non-Black people adding the classic "I have Black friends..."

2. I reblogged the interview and tagged it "wtf"

3. I received asks telling me about it and how bad it was, and pointed out the hypocrisy of the fandom because they wanted Lou to get fired for his "teasing" comment about Tommy but didn't want the same for Ryan.

4. I pointed out that the apology didn't feel genuine because instead of apologizing right away he, at first, doubled down on what he said.

Mind you, I never told anyone to get mad at Ryan, or ask for him to get fired, I was just pointing out the double standards.

I appreciate yoy sending this, and again, as I said this isn't "against" you I'm just taking the opportunity to share how I see this whole thing.

I'm of course new to this fandom, but I'm not new to fandoms in general, and this is the Sebastian Stan take a knee instagram post all over again. I know how it goes, I'm not surprised by the influx of messages about growth and forgiveness etc... But when those scandales involve people who are not your faves they get feral...

[leap-loves]

Twelve Days of Self-Shipmas - Day 3 - Favorite Winter Activity - Devils Food Cake

Here's day 3 of Self-Shipmas, as found in this post! This one is my Obey Me! Shall We Date ship with Beelzebub, Devils Food Cake!

“Are you sure you’re warm enough?” Beel asked worriedly, even as he followed Faith’s lead, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. Despite her having gloves on, his touch was just firm enough to still be felt through it.  

Faith looked up to him and offered a reassuring grin, still gently tugging his hand to guide him along the sidewalk. “I’m warm enough, I promise,” she insisted, hoping if she said it enough times, he’d believe her. Sure, his understanding of the fragility of humans and what they can and cannot tolerate is likely a bit… skewed, thanks to only having her and Solomon as any semblance of reference, but… still! 

She’s bundled up in so many layers, having two jackets and a scarf and boots and gloves and a hat! Surely that’s enough to calm his poor anxious heart? Especially when compared to him wearing… basically the same stuff he always does, but his jacket seemed a bit thicker than usual.  

Finally seeming satisfied enough to at least not fuss any further, Beel looked towards the entrance to the park they were heading to. “So it’s a tradition for humans to go to a public place to see light displays?” he asked.  

Nodding eagerly as they took their place in the line that was slowly funneling into the park, she beamed. “Mmhm! A lot of people put similar lights up at their house, though usually not to the same scale as public places like parks can manage. Public ones are usually way more intricate, and muuuuch larger, since they’re not confined to a small yard.”  

Beel offered a slow nod in response, looking at all of the other humans surrounding them. Families with children, couples young and old, all bundled up to fight against the cold air. While there wasn't any snow, it seemed like it was still plenty cold enough for humans to be uncomfortable without more layers. 

“Is there a reason why the children tend to wear such bright clothing…? Is it a tradition as well?” Beel asked, looking down to Faith. 

Making an uncertain sound, Faith used her free hand to make a so-so motion. “Not a tradition, but it's still a thing humans do. Y’know how you guys fuss at me for wandering off back home?” she asked, continuing when he nodded. “Parents put their kids in bright colored jackets so that it's harder for them to wander off and get lost, and even if they do get lost, they're easier to identify.” 

The comparison honestly explained a lot to Beel, who was clearly putting a lot of thought into the comparison. “That makes sense… I guess we are all so unique that it's not as big of a deal for us to differentiate ourselves by our clothing. Even in our school uniforms we stand out…” Faith nodded eagerly to confirm that he understood, even giving his hand an excited little squeeze. 

When they reached the front of the line, Beel kept quiet to let Faith handle the talking. While there's plenty of places in the Devildom that function the same way, it felt so novel to see it in the human world. Paper money and cards in place of Grimm, and smiles all around. 

Once again Faith gave his hand a small tug to guide him into the attraction and out of the way, freeing her hand from his and pulling her gloves off. “Let's get the bracelets on and then we can go look around,” she explained when catching his confused, and mildly concerned, look. So he obediently held his hand out for her to do as she pleased, watching her tiny hands push up his sleeves and carefully wrap the paper bracelet around his wrist and secure it. He’ll never get over how gentle she is with him, despite being well aware of how durable demons are. 

Once she tugged his sleeve back down, satisfied with her work, Beel carefully moved to take the remaining bracelet from here. “Here, I’ll do yours.” While he's well aware that she can put on her own jewelry, having seen her put on far more complicated pieces all by herself while refusing even Asmo’s help, it's only fair he returns the favor. 

Faith’s cheeks flushed even pinker than they already were, but she obediently offered her arm to him, just as he had done for her. So he very gently pushed up her sleeves, holding her hand in his own. Her hand was so small that he could have easily engulfed it with his own. But right now he’s on a mission. So he took the paper bracelet and very carefully wrapped it around her wrist. He made sure that it wasn’t too tight on her, but still secure enough it wouldn’t go falling off either. 

“There…” 

He wasn’t done though, carefully tugging both of Faith’s gloves back into place. Only once he was sure that she was properly bundled again did he seem satisfied. 

Faith found herself ducking her head behind her scarf in hopes of hiding her fluster, appreciating how much he cares about her, to take so much care and be so gentle. When he tilted his head, silently questioning why she was hiding, she only shook her head. 

Taking his hand again, she pulled herself together and offered him a grin once again, squeezing his hand before gently tugging him back to the main sidewalk so that they can see all of the displays. “There’s lots to see! I’m really curious what’ll be your favorite!” Her sudden enthusiasm earned an affectionate nod from Beel, who followed her lead without hesitation. He’d follow her to the ends of any realm, this was a walk in the park… literally. 

He has to admit that this really is impressive, especially for humans. Such large displays, even brighter than the stars, in various colors and designs. Small lights along the ground helped to illuminate the walkways, and further down the path he could make out a series of lit arches that almost seemed to make a tunnel. There were also lots of displays off to either side of the walking path, trees made of light strands and existing trees lit up as well, reindeer and candy canes…

Beel’s stomach growled at the thought of such mouthwatering treats, but he was quick to cover his stomach as if it would make difference with taming his Gluttony. He spared a glance down to Faith, embarrassed and a little disappointed in himself. He’d made sure to eat plenty before they left, hoping that it would stave off his appetite at least long enough for them to enjoy some of the attraction… Faith seemed so excited about bringing him, after all… But when he checked to see her reaction, she wasn’t even looking at him. While still holding his hand, her free hand was digging in her purse. When he heard the all too familiar sound of a crinkling wrapper, he couldn’t help but straighten up slightly in excitement, like a puppy hearing treats. 

Faith let out a triumphant little sound before offering him two granola bars, one of which she’d even managed to tear open for him. “Here we go! I know they tend to sell snacks and hot cocoa at these sort of things, and I definitely want to get some, but I wanted to make sure I brought snacks for you too.” 

Accepting the bars and demolishing half of one of them in a single bite to quiet his brain even the slightest bit, Beel still found himself staying in place and admiring her. His precious human who looks out for him more than for herself. 

“Beel?”

Shaking his head slightly to dismiss her concern, he offered her a smile. “Thank you, Faith.” 

Beelzebub is hardly an ungrateful demon, far from it. But he’s not the most talkative one either, and with the way he said it, it clearly carried a greater weight than simple gratitude. An underlying ‘I love you’, but still so much more. 

So Faith returned his smile in kind. “Of course!”

Satisfied that they’d have enough snacks to satisfy his appetite for at least a while longer, Beel let her lead the way once more, but found himself getting distracted from the displays themselves by how beautiful she looks. 

Her cheeks and nose flushed from the cold, but still she’d beam and give his hand a squeeze to grab his attention before pointing out something and looking to him for his thoughts. Her eyes reflecting the lights with such innocent excitement that’s so rare in the Devildom, but based on his sparing glances to other humans out of sheer curiosity, is still in abundance amongst humans. 

He sees why his sister loved them so much, since he’s clearly no better. And he wouldn’t want it any other way. 

He does want some hot cocoa though… 

[nokingsonlyfooles]

“Rather than talk down to you and tell you what to believe,” he argued, Democrats should “listen to hard-working Americans.” [which does not include trans people who want their rights protected]

So here's what comes of holding election victories as the highest moral good: Why, it looks like there are more voters that want to crush minorities than there are minority voters. Funny how that works out. Perhaps, in order to continue the "harm reduction" we should be a little more flexible about who is a human being deserving of human rights. For heaven's sake, of course it's more important to [insert other issue here] than to make sure your "daughter" can participate in track and field like a real girl... or go to the bathroom... or get healthcare... or live. What do you mean some of you also have "sons"? Or... whatever that is. Please, their existence is of limited political value, stop confusing the issue. Look, we've already accepted that a certain amount of children are going to die to keep us in power, are you really that upset we want to roll the dice on yours?

By the numbers, the fascist/war criminal outreach didn't cause Republican voters to get right with centrism and ask for slightly less fascism/war crimes as a compromise. Nothing succeeds like excess! However, they have an explanation on deck for that, it's not new:

“They painted her as something I don’t think she is,” Rendell said. “They painted her as a far-left liberal.”

As always, there are Democrats pushing back from within the party, but courting fickle leftists who won't let you kill their child and blame the child posthumously just doesn't have wide appeal. The authoritarian lockstep voters won't hold politicians accountable! Please-please-please can't we have some more money for the claw machine, so we can try picking some of those up again? They'll help us win lots of elections! A half-fascist, half-nonfascist voter base would be philosophically ideal! Can't you all just get along? Come on, you all want cheaper groceries! It's a big tent!

"Who shall we alienate from their inalienable rights? Show of hands!" is not a winning situation for minorities of any kind. If we're doing trolley problems, we're going to pull the lever and aim for the less populated areas. And we'll congratulate ourselves on a job well done while wiping the blood off our hands.

(I suppose I should add that teaming up to form some kind of solidarity-based minority supermajority, if all we're going to do with it is pull the lever and mow down the people who've been mowing us down, would be kind of a lateral move. We really ought to stop the trolley, although I am seeing a lot of people who prioritize lever access.)

The way we count votes, assign representatives and allow ballot access is very good at muting the voices of the marginalized. All the little things, and a few big things, really add up. We're not going to vote it all better under the circumstances - we haven't done it in over 250 years, and, in fact, have put a lot of effort into making the stacked deck more subtle and entrenched. That's not what I asked for, but that's what I got. You too?

Democrats aren't the good guys. Supporting them unconditionally doesn't help them fight the "bad guys" it makes it easier for them to be bad guys too. Don't quiet down and fall in line, or if and when they ever win an election again, this is what you're gonna get.

But, in case this is all you're gonna get for the foreseeable future, team up and take care of each other. Draw outside the lines. Circle around the children like musk oxen and make a safe space. The school doesn't own sports - and, frankly, they might push your kids to permanently damage their health for trophies and funding. Hell, the school doesn't own education. There has to be someplace your kids can learn AND use the bathroom AND not get shot AND not be exposed to COVID on a regular basis. If you can't drag the school system there, what can you build as an alternative?

Same goes for every other institution under attack.

[fairfoxie]

hi!! i was wondering if i could get your perspective on something, as i really respect the resources you share about being faekin and i want to know more about it! i am irish reconstructionist pagan who works with the good folk, and i admit that i often have trouble reconciling my religious beliefs with 'kin posts that i see. i was wondering, if you felt comfortable responding, what your perspective on the clash that sometimes occurs between faekin and the cultural evolution of the fairy archetype is? if this is offensive i apologise and absolutely did not mean it as such! i'm still relatively new to the nonhuman community (my nonhuman blog is foxwyrm!) and am trying to learn more about it :} regardless, i love your blog, and appreciate what you share!!

Hi! I'll start by saying this is not even a little bit offensive! I know you're asking a question in earnest and I'm honestly really grateful to get the opportunity to voice my perspective.

And really, I wasn't sure at first how to approach all of this at all. My brain and beliefs are scattered, and to be quite honest I make it up as I go along. That's why I used to be petrified of doing any kind of spirit work, especially with the Good Folk. So only recently have I combined my own Neopaganism with my Otherkin experiences. I am still learning. But I'm learning a lot, especially now from others who walk a similar path.

I'll admit I had to look up just to make sure I understood what an Irish Reconstructionist Pagan is, and it seems to be exactly what I was hoping it would be! I may not be strictly of that faith myself, but I'm highly grateful that there are people who are, who keep that alive. I'm so fascinated by pre-Christian Celtic faiths and I do wish it were easier to find the old stories. But stories survive through people, and I enjoy sharing videos I've found where Irish people who coexist with the Good Folk, talk earnestly about their faith and how it impacts their lives. I think those collective experiences are very real and important and culturally valuable. I see parallels in our perspectives, when they speak of mutual respect and of leaving nature undisturbed. I highly value the words of the people who live where there are said to be Faeries.

Still I'd hesitate to discuss being faekin with someone of that particular tradition. I do get overcome with doubt and worry about myself. Is my very existence disrespectful? Just yesterday I ran off into the woods in tears with a question of who, what, am I?

I have discussed being Otherkin with the trees before. I'm an animist at heart, and I like to keep company with the friendly spirits of trees often.

Tree spirits are good listeners, and they understand the humans they live with. When I talk to the trees, I don't have to explain what I am. I show them. They understand. They accept me. They don't judge or argue, and they accept strange contradictions like me being human and nonhuman at the same time.

I see lots of things in the forest. Things that renew my belief in magic every time in different ways. I have hardly a choice but to believe in all manner of beautiful spirits, fae big and small, even gods. I believe in monsters too, but I believe in myself more, and I value my autonomy, and so I choose not to let my spirit be harmed.

And because I value my autonomy, I am drawn to the Otherkin community, where you don't have to have all the answers, just be who you are and you will be accepted in the best of our circles. We respect each other's minds, bodies, and spirits, and each of us walks a parallel but completely different path into ourselves. I'm glad there are others like me, who don't know why they are nonhuman in some way, just that they are, and that we have carved out a space in which to exist as we are.

I don't have all the answers, and probably never will. But I find little congruencies that allow me to slip through the cracks between what is and isn't. Here are some of them.

Many Faeries do look like humans. Changelings of course, and selkies, and Hulder and Skogskra, and nymphs and elves and many others. And much folklore seems to have it that people who seem to be human turn out to be Fae.

But I was born to humans, I know that for sure. And as such, I consider myself a Human Fairy. Of sorts. Like I said, I value my autonomy, and my right to say what I am and be what I am.

For me, the difference between a Faery and a Fairy is that Faeries are the beings that already existed, living at arm's length from most humans for most all time. We only remotely understood them back then, we only remotely understand them now. But we respect them, and many do respect us back and seek friendships with us.

The Fairy, on the other hand, is that cultural archetype you were talking about. A Fairy can be created by a human, it can be a human, it can be a character, and most importantly, it can be the link between people and magic. I have an affinity for pixies and pillywiggins, flower fairies, gnomes, brownies, dryads, sylphs, and all manner of tiny winged beings of nature, and yes, Tinker Bell, who was my personal introduction to the Fairy world, and the idea that there are magical beings who live in another world but also interact with our world. My first 'kin feels' would have been daydreaming myself in Pixie Hollow/Fairy Haven as a tiny fairy with wings and a talent, just the same way Prilla blinks to the Mainland. I still clap sometimes, because I do believe in Fairies.

And I think that the spirit world contains multitudes. I think it contains Faeries and Fairies all at once, and that thoughtforms, spirits, fae, and gods are all a big part of what makes humanity who we are in the first place.

And even still, I don't know if I have all of my facts and beliefs straight. But I know that I don't have to. If I waited until I understood myself completely before going and living my life, I'd simply never get the chance to. And so I just go live it. As I get older I care less about the labels and more about the experiences. But I love being a Fairy. I love being Otherkin. And I love talking to the kindest of the Good Folk. And I'll love this whether or not I will ever fully understand any of it.

I truly hope this is something like the answer you were hoping for.

[lutawolf]

TharnType Ep 6

I know this is a long time coming, guys! I'm sorry. Things came up and Tharntype is not an easy series. It involves really thinking and looking below the surface. There are many layers to the book and the show. And for a while there, I just didn't have the energy.

Onto episode 6. Let's bring the pain episode. To recap, Type is making the change from victim to survivor. But with that change comes triggers and emotional upheaval. Which sadly but naturally has Type trying to get back to what he deemed normal.

We see Type smiling as he communicates back and forth with Fai. Sometimes we lie to ourselves, lie so strongly that even we believe. Yes, I'm back to normal! Yes, I'm happy! At least until something happens to show that we've been lying to ourselves.

We see Tharn telling Type that he knows what type of food he likes. Not because Type has told him, but because Tharn pays attention. This makes Type uncomfortable because it means something to him, and he doesn't want it to. You can see the struggle in the way he asks Tharn what he likes, but then tells him that he only asked one question. Type is struggling to put his walls back up.

What I love is that Tharn can see the small things and take them for the huge growths that they actually are. It's not easy to change guys, especially if it's changing your trauma protection techniques, even if they aren't good for you. Example: women think that they should be nice and friendly to men, that this will protect them. It's actually the opposite, being nice and friendly can often put us in dangerous situations. Things we know better than to do, but we don't want to appear rude and unfriendly or cause upset. But going into a hallway void of anyone but one man and few exits is stupid and dangerous. It should go against our survival instincts, but we've been conditioned to not hurt feelings. What other animal do you know that pretends to like their opposite sex when they feel threatened?

Now, for someone who has learned this lesson the hard way. Defenses are tight, high, and strong. Few people actually understand why, but I would argue that it's actually more naturally than how we are conditioned to behave. I get it, we're humans and social structure dictates friendliness, but at what cost? There has to be a middle ground, and it can be a struggle to find it.

Tharn pays a lot of attention to Type. He knows what he normally behaves like, so he knows that Type is acting out of character. It makes him suspicious. Which he should be concerned, as we find out. Techno lets it slip. There is a huge blow up. Tharn tells Type that he is his, and Type hits him. Now what we have to figure out is if this is a trigger or not. You trigger someone with PTSD and it's dangerous. But Luta, he didn't hit those other people who triggered him! No, he didn't, he said nasty things but didn't hit. But Tharn is becoming Type's safe space and his constant. Those people can be in the most danger when someone with PTSD hasn't yet gotten the help they need. PTSD is emotional confusion with the past and the present. A stranger is easier to differentiate than someone close to you. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just explaining how the snap to violence can happen. It doesn't mean someone who loves us should accept it, it means we need help.

What we see from Tharn is actually pretty common of PTSD partners. More hurt than harm.

Let's talk about the 10 rules for casual relationship: 1) Never get jealous. 2) No emotional involvement. 3) Don't cross the line. 4) Can become exclusive, but not necessarily. 5) Don't share partner with friends. 6) If a partner wants a real relationship but not with you, then don't cause a ruckus. 7) Don't be overly attentive. 8) Both partners can have many lovers. 9) BF/GF is priority. 10) If caught. Game over.

This screams the need for control. Type is feeling out of control right now, and that's something he needs badly. It also says that he doesn't really want a gf, he just wants control back. You see this especially in his talk with Techno because the last thing he wants is for Tharn to get over him.

Tharn really knows Type. He's calling his bluff. Then Type says he isn't coming to his gig, so he thinks he has lost.

I truly love this series, and it's for the raw moments like this. I've talked before about the fact that there are couples who burn bright. Who need the drama because drama has been such a large part of them that they don't know how to live without it. That's this couple. In a normal relationship, Tharn would smoother his partner and Type would constantly be fighting with an outside source. That would traumatize that partner, but together, they are balanced and happy. Maybe they aren't healthy, but relationships are made up of behaviors, and all behaviors can be characterized as healthy, unhealthy, or abusive. However, the behaviors may look different for different people, and what is unhealthy for one person may be abusive or healthy for another.

Type is telling Tharn what happened, and he says, "The slap was nothing compared to what I did to her." I've said it a million times, but Type is actually a very good person. He just isn't perfect. He doesn't fit the moral standards that everyone thinks he should, but that doesn't make him a bad person. He is a person still on the road to growth. As Tharn says, "Type has some self awareness."

A shy Type is adorable. And they are now official.

This moment is everything. It's Type pushing his way out of his comfort zone. Showing Tharn that he is trying.

Giving a protected piece of himself to Tharn. Letting him know that he trusts him. From the way Tharn gulps and says Type's name, it's everything he has ever wanted from Type.

They are far from a perfect couple, but they are perfect for each other.

That's it for episode 6. Drop me some likes and comments to let me know that you want me to keep going! 💜💜💜

[multiplicity-positivity]

hello! do you perhaps have any advice, or know of any resources for situations where the collective cannot agree on important decisions? like, say, some have come to absolutely hate a friend and want to cut off contact, some are still attached and would be very sad and griefing if the friendship is lost, some is thinking of compromising where only the ones who want to talk to that friend would do so (but will not work bc the ones who hate this person would still be exposed to them anyway bc of shared memory, when the healthiest thing to do for them is walk away. which also cannot work bc it will devastate the ones who want to stay friends with said person)

Hiya! Woof, our system really struggles with this ourselves! >_< and I don’t think we’re gonna have an easy, straightforward answer for you! We’re really sorry!! T_T But we can still try to share some stuff that our own system is working on when it comes to making decisions, if that’s okay!

Okay, so first off, communicate! >w<

It’s really important to keep up an open dialogue and communicate with each other, especially when it comes to making big decisions! If someone wants to do something, ask them why! And do the same for the headmates who don’t want to do something! And like, try not to make fun of, belittle, or lash out at headmates for being vulnerable and sharing their reasons for having a certain opinion! Not every headmate will think the same way or want the same things! So just talking to each other and trying to get everyone’s opinions can at least help y’all all get on the same page :33

Next, maybe try taking a vote!

Um, if the vast majority of the headmates in your system want something, and only a couple don’t maybe it would be worth it to do it anyway! But at the same time, keep in mind the feelings of the headmates who aren’t getting what they want or whose votes are being overruled. Maybe try explaining to them why the system as a collective is going to be making this choice in particular, and why those who voted for it believe it is the best choice!

But the biggest thing (at least for our sys!) is…

Compromising!!!

Making compromises is essential for every system. Yeah it sucks that not all headmates can always make their own choices or get what they want all the time, but compromising is a great way to help everyone feel seen, acknowledged, and find a path that more or less works for everyone! >w<

Okay, so let’s try and use your example (but keep in mind we don’t know you personally or your history, so please don’t take our potential compromise as the only solution here!)

You brought up a good compromise by saying that only the headmates who want to be in touch with this friend could do so, though it would impact the headmate who doesn’t want to be in touch because of shared memories. To further this compromise, maybe you could help this headmate access tools for proper emotional regulation and learning how to sit with, accept, and come to terms with painful memories and negative emotions. Everyone will form bad memories or experience bad emotions at some point or another in their lives! >_<” But equipping this headmate with the tools to manage their emotions in healthy ways might make it easier to live with the memories of other headmates interacting with this friend.

It’s impossible for anyone to live their whole lives without ever having to make a compromise… but for systems, we headmates may find that learning how to compromise is way more important than it is for singlets!!

I’ll be honest, many members of our system love wikihow and we (Ralsei and Margo) have personally gotten a lot of use out of wikihow over the years! We’re including a link to a wikihow article on compromising - maybe y’all could find some use in it!

Also, if your system is in therapy, this would be a perfect subject to talk through with your therapist! They might have some good ideas or suggestions tailored to your system’s needs specifically, and could probably help y’all in ways that we won’t be able to!! >w<

Good luck to y’all though with figuring this out!! Gosh, we know that trying to make group decisions is not easy, especially when it comes to big things that headmates have opposing views on. We really hope though that y’all will be able to find ways to communicate and compromise in the future!! :33