#as you can see i like to talk myself thru my stress cause if i dont? i will spiral

[cinnamonrollwizard]

and on this beautiful friday morning i am just sitting here thinking about that last fight we had in netherdeep campaign where i went second in initiative - ran all the way in front of our druid to make sure she didnt get too hurt cause shes squishy- placed mysel between her and the big scary monster-... and immediately got fucking swallowed head in fucking hands

[bapple117]

hey, we don’t really know each other but I follow you on twt & I saw you speaking up for that other fanfic author getting unwarranted hate / criticism

I just wanted to say I think that was cool of you. More artists need to stand up together about that kind of thing. I’m sure it’s something you’ve gone thru at one time or another

I also think it’s super unfair how people wouldn’t ever do that for artists who make illustrations and drawings and stuff in the same way they do for fic writers. You don’t really see people giving unsolicited feedback on drawings (or if they do then they’re called out for being an asshole p quickly) but people feel like they can do it for fics. Idk it’s kinda weird that way? Like people will just be supportive for artworks but then critical of fanfic, idk. anyway sorry for going off in your inbox this is super irrelevant lol but I just thought that was a cool thing you did & it made me want to read your fics, so. Keep being you ig!

Hey! I really wish I knew who submitted this cause you sound like a really sweet and nice person. If you ever feel like talking normally, feel free to give me a message on Twitter! I’m always happy to talk with people 😁

And secondly thank you, that’s really nice of you to say. I think the topic did hit home for me so that’s probably why I felt so passionate about it haha! But I do also have a very strong sense of justice (thanks autism) so when I see other creatives going through something like that my inner bulldog gets triggered 😂 I’m no good at standing up for myself but I will sure as heck go on a rampage for someone else 🤣

And yeah wow that’s a really good point too, I didn’t even really think about it that way. I wonder where the disconnect there is. Although I have to say I do see people giving unwanted feedback on art but like you say, that tends to get called out quite quickly by other artists or fans etc. I wonder why people feel more free to be intense or rude about fanfic, I don’t know 😂 I suppose because there’s more opportunity for a story to conflict directly with someone’s head canon or disappoint them if it goes in a different direction than they expected after heavy investment. Still, it’s no excuse for rudeness or cruelty.

Fandom is a mixed bag, it can be a real high full of amazing things but it can also be extremely draining and stressful. I think the important thing is just spreading kindness, tolerance and knowing when your input isn’t required or wanted. A lot like real life really LOL

Thanks again for the sweet message, I’m sorry it took me a little bit to notice it, I haven’t been checking tumblr as much 😅 Come find me if you feel like it! 💜

[lizzypotter14]

The Places in Which You Find Love

Conversations that you have with your friends, especially those at night, can provide you with so many ideas for a fic.  This is one of them.  Thank you @swimmingismywholelife for the inspiration, and to @chelseagirl98 for let me bounce my ideas,  Puligirls this one if for you.

warning: fluff

It is great to be back home, and do ordinary things without being mobbed, asked for autographs, or slipping a piece of paper with ‘call me’  and a phone number on it, in your hands or car.  I love the fans but sometimes I just need to decompress after a game, especially a tough one.

Tonight, is just  another gorgeous summer night in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Most of the  day,  I had been hanging out with friends, catching up with our lives, and making plans for my time after nations league camp and games.  The only discomfort of the night was the constant questions of ‘what’s next’ or ‘do you know what your next move will be’ coming from people that suddenly remember me from high school, but never really gave me the time of the day back then.  My real friends, the ones that had been with me from the start, know how uncomfortable that made me and were not surprised when I excused myself and took my leave from them.

Leaving the get together to head home, I made an impulsive decision, and took a quick stop to the McDonald’s drive thru.  The one closest to home has just been recently remodeled and now has two drive-through lanes. As it was Friday night, and one of the few places open after eleven pm, both lanes were quite busy.  I found myself in the right lane ,placing a simple order of large fries and a Coke, which I think I can indulge on before getting back to a strict diet and watching what I am eating. As I started moving forward, the car on my left side moved, cutting me off completely.  The funny thing about the entire situation was that I got cut and still got the horn blared at me.  Shaking  my head, I can just stare at the car approaching the pay window, a slender set of fingers passing a credit card to the attendant and heading afterwards to the next window to receive their meal.

To make matters even more crazy, not only I was cut off by the mysterious driver, but also my order went to them.  The teenager at the window recognized me when I pulled in and, after asking me for an autograph, politely requested me to park in one of the number spots, so they could trade my order with the previous car.

“Don’t worry about it.  I see that they have parked too so I just going to exchange things myself”

“Are you sure, Mr. Pulisic?  It is not a problem for us to do it”.

“No worries.  Don’t want to cause any hold ups during a busy night.  Thanks”.

As I parked next to the other vehicle, I exited the car while the other driver did the same.  A heavy but sweet accent follows the female figure approaching me.

“I apologized as I seemed to have taken your order.  Also, I cut you off and I know it was my fault but I’m just starving and got off from work and…”

“Whoa! Slow down.  You seemed stressed”.

“I…” and that was when she finally lifted her face to properly look at me.  I can see the moment that she realizes who she has been talking to.

“You are Christian Pulisic”.

“Yes, I am.  But we seem to be at a disadvantage.  You know my name, but I don’t know yours”.

Extending her hand towards me, she just said “hi, I am y/n y/l.  Nice to meet you.  And again, so sorry for taking your order, and cutting you off”.

Chuckling, I just stared at her.  She was easy to look at.  Medium length brown hair, caramel eyes, and a ready and shy smile.  This situation was refreshing to be completely honest.

“Nice to meet you too, and please stop apologizing and don’t worry about it”.

“Here’s your order.  I think I stole some fries before realizing that the order wasn’t mine”.

“And here is yours.  If you don’t mind me asking, would you like to go somewhere nearby and eat our food together?” I really don’t know where this bravado to ask came from, but it was out before I had the time to process it.

She just stared at me for a long time, and when I was giving up about receiving an answer, and ready to take it all back, she simply said “lead the way”, and turned around to get back in her car.

I don’t know what is going on with me, as this is as far from character as I am, but I got into my car, and after making sure that she was following me drove towards a park close by.  I waited for her to park next to me before leaving my car and heading to a picnic table.

“Do you do things like this with every girl that you just meet?”

“No.  If I’m honest, this is my first time”.

“Do you expect me to believe you?”

Getting extremely closer to her, I whispered “I do”.

I can feel her staring straight into my soul looking for an answer.  I guessed I passed when she finally sat down, opened her bag, and said, “you sound and look sincere enough”.

“Glad you approved” I said, finally sitting opposite her.

At first, we ate quietly, and slowly we started talking. It was refreshing and unique.  I opened more to this stranger than I had done with my family and friends, and I had the feeling that she felt the same way.  I learned that she was in her last year of college and that this summer she was working, remote, with a sports agency, and when we bumped into each other, she had just come back home from a trip to see a prospect at a Triple A team nearby.

We lost track of time, and before we knew it,  I checked my phone just to see that it was 3:30 am. I couldn’t believe how much we covered in the short amount of time; I feel like I have known her my entire life and we were just catching up.  Do not want the night, or morning, to be over.

“Christian…”

“Just Chris”.

“Chris, we should leave, not that I want to do it. This is the best time I had in a very long time, but I bet this was not in your radar, and you have things to do later”, she said picking our trash and dropping everything in the trash can. 

 “You are right, but can I asked you something before we go?”

“Sure”.

“I would love to have your number and continue hanging out with you and exploring this”.

“I-I will love that too”.

We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet later in the day.

The next couple of weeks passed too quickly for my licking and before I knew it, it was time to head for camp.  Normally, I enjoyed this time, as I get to hangout with some of my favorite people but for some reason, this time felt different.

I found myself hanging out with y/n, the day before leaving and she looks so sad.

“Are you okay? You seemed upset”.

“Not upset.  Sad is the right word.  I had spent so much time with you and your friends, that I find myself dreading the next couple of weeks when you will be away”.

“I feel the same.  I know this is early but, would you… can we…

”Spelled it out, Chris”.

“Would you like to take this, us, a little more seriously?”

“Like…”

“You are going to make me say it”.

“Yes”.

“Cruel but here it goes.  I know this is way too early, and maybe cliché, but I do  not want us to stop seeing each other or stop talking. We can take it as slow as we want, but I would love to give this, us a try”

“Are you sure?’

“Never surer of anything in my life.  Would you go, with me, in this adventure?”

Approaching me slowly, she put her arms on my neck and pulling me closer, she kissed me slowly and deeply.  Can’t believe that an unexpected detour brought into my life one of the best things so far.

@swimmingismywholelife @chelseagirl98 @lovelynikol16 @thoseboysinblue @bracedes @mortirolo @neverinadream @notsoattractivearenti @pulisicsgirl @masonsrem @masonspulisic

[revasserium]

Sorry to ask all of a sudden, but I've been having this thing where whenever I'd go to write, like I'd open the Google docs page and I'd get ready to write I freeze. I get this fear. Have you ever had that before?

don’t be sorry!!! i can’t stress enough how much i love talking to you guys <3 on anon and off!

hmmm i guess it depends on what you mean by “fear”? are you afraid of like the physical act of writing itself or afraid that you won’t write anything “good” or??? bc i’ve def had times (actually today is a p good example; i haven’t written in like 2 days ish, and i was scrolling thru all my fragments of writing and trying to figure out what to write cause i knew i WANTED to write, but i didn’t feel anything “grab” me) where i feel vaguely uninspired and like i know that if i do start writing, it’ll kinda be a slog and i prob won’t be happy w what i write that day anyways.

but those r the days that i really force myself to write. bc i know that i gotta push thru it, and that just the act of making myself write on the days i don’t want to or feel really “blocked” or uninspired will make me a better writer. and obviously, it doesn’t gotta be that srs for you haha. u don’t have to be good at something to enjoy doing it ! :) and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

but for me, i love writing and i like being able to look back and see my own progress as as writer.

so yeah, it can be scary sometimes, but what’s the worse than can happen? you write something and you don’t like it? so what? u write something that you like and someone else doesn’t? you could be the most delicious apple in the entire world and there’s gonna be some fucker out there being like ‘kay but i like oranges better’ lasldfkjsd

and literally some of my favorite one-liners come from pieces that i really wasn’t feeling in the beginning. and MOST of the time, even with the fics i post here, i’ll write the entire thing, and feel like i got in ONE good line. maybe two. u__u but i had to get through the entire rest of the fic to get to that one or two good lines.

in the immortal words of azumane asahi “just one point, i think we can get that” — so think of it like this, you just gotta put one word down, and then another one. one sentence, and then another one. and if you don’t like it, don’t worry about it right now. run with it. see where it goes. and if you really don’t like it at the end, don’t post it, delete it, print it out and burn it and scatter the ashes into the wind. but don’t let the fear of not being able to make something “good” stop you from just doing the thing. <;3

[womanpl3aser]

The arrival୨୧

it was a lovely silent night, no work, no stress, not anything. You were sitting on your bed listening to some music until u got a text from ellie

heyyy

it wasn't unusual for her to text you at night but it felt kind of different this time since she was still at work

hii baby how's work

U saw ellie typing something but then it'd disappear. U felt ur stomach tense up because of that, she usually answers quicker than the flash of light. The typing and stopping went on for 3 minutes until she finally replied

it's fine, how are ya love, did u eat something?

U felt kind of relieved because of her answer, you thought that something was serious because she kept on typing and erasing.

Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat

Delivered.

That was weird.

15 minutes pass. no answer..

Another 15 minutes pass, still no answer.. you started to get anxious because she would never ignore u, would she?

40 minutes pass..

4+ notifications

fuck I'm sorry babe for not replying earlier something unexpected happened

replied to you (Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat)

No I didn't eat hun ill just get smth from burgers king on my way home

babyyyy

did I upset u ml?

Im sorry for this sudden thing, I will tell u everything when I get home

I love you so much

When she texted you these you were blasting music thru your headphones to distract yourself from your thoughts cause that's what you'd always do. You heard some buzzes from your phone but u didn't spare a glance at it thinking it was from a useless app u had forgotten to delete.

30 minutes pass and still no ellie home. You decided to check your phone now and see if she texted u.

Ooh okay ellie, don't worry it's okay jus be safe, when are you coming back?

You replied to (I love you so much)

I love you more els pls come home I miss u already

And just when u hit send, that song started playing.

I am not the only traveller.. Who has not repaid his debt..

As the song went on images with you and ellie popped in your mind. How you and her would go to the beach and build sand castles and then ellie as a goofball destroying them, how'd she'd get u under the sand and force to stay in the until she made a mermaid tail at the end of your feet which you'd ofcourse giggle as she'd do,how she'd always make sure to get food from home even if u assured her that ud be fine, the way she'd untangle ur hair after getting out of the sea.

Ive been searching for a trail to follow again..

Oh take me back to the night we met.

You were so lost in your thoughts until u heard your phone ringing

"Elssss💍🩷" incoming call

You immediately picked up and rushed to talk first "Oh my gosh ellie I got so worried" was the first the u spat out

"Hey bun,don't worry about me you know I'm always safe, I just called to make sure u were okay and if u wanted me to pick up something from burgers king" Ellie said with some muffled voice from the backround that almost covered her own

"I don't need anything baby, thank you just drive safe on ur arrival" u quickly said "course I will princess, see you in 15" and with that the phone call ended and there you were, lost in the song's lyrics, reminding u how u met ellie at that local bar

And then I can tell myself..

What the hell am I supposed to do..

And then I can tell myself..

Not to ride along with you..

Before u could realize u were singing the lyrics, humming at some parts but mostly singing. One of the million things ellie loved about you, your voice. It'd calm her on her rainy days and replace those rainy clouds with the brightest sun in the universe. It would be like a lullaby to her, making her fall asleep whether it was on your chest or her pillow she had a strong preference for your chest.

15 minutes pass and u hear a ring, you basically trip over some chords and charges and even ur own the feet to open the door, u see ellie with a tired face but she always changed it when she saw ur little face

"Y/n, I missed u. Shit" Ellie said with the most tiring but expressive way possible as she hugged u tightly with the bags she held

"I missed u more,u can't imagine" u said as ud give her thousands of pecks on her cheeks and a big smooch on her lips, which ellie ofcourse accepted by rewarding it back to you.

"I got u some nuggies because I know u will get hungry later, so just incase babe. I always need to buy my princess something to eat" she said with a grin on her face as she kissed ur pretty face over and over again. It's like her duty to buy you something, if she doesn't she will fr explode.

"I love you els,so so much" u said while plastering kisses on her temples "I love u more babe" Ellie said "I will go undress and put my pajamas on and be right back" she said as she stroke ur hair and kissed ur head.

I had all and then most of you some and now none of you,

Oh take me back to the night we met..

SORRY IT WAS SHORT BUT ITS 1AM AND I GOT STUFF TO DO TOMORROW, HOPE U STILL ENJOYED THO🫶🏻🫶🏻

[seasonaldepressionmp3]

I appreciate the occasional “I will fight/kill the person that did that to you” “fuck them” comments but I also think especially when it comes to close friends and family of somebody that’s abused , what I really want to hear is like patience and understanding all that I’m feeling, just listening to the fact that a toxic abusive relationship is very complicated and intense, there are so many emotions and memories and forms of attachment and pain that we are sorting through and to be talked to in a way that implies you’re stupid or naive for being manipulated or accepting abuse can really cause me to just bottle it up and accept that I will have to deal with all of it myself. And I end up still seeing somebody that threatens my safety alone and without telling anyone. Because if I talk about what I’m going thru the response can often be “just leave” “you’re putting yourself through this” and my family has even said that I’m putting them thru all of this stress because I’ve been getting abused. So I end up feeling even more like I’m the problem in all of it. And the threats of violence against somebody that abused me can be comforting at times but I just think it’s good to be sensitive cus for me after getting physically abused and then my ex threatening to kill me , my family , my friends and their family, I don’t even want to hear about any more violence any more escalation of violence I really just want my feelings to be heard I think. And a lot of the time I do think people are really doing the best they can and doing what they think will help I just want to write it out because I feel like I’m prolly not alone and I just want to acknowledge that a lot of that stuff doesn’t rlly help and it made things worse a lot of the time.

[outofcontexturi]

Wednesday 24th July 2024 00:46am

yesterday was an okay day. I washed some clothes, looked after mum, got some food, spoke to Josh, cleaned my room and saw my dad. He isn’t feeling to great right now but I know and trust in my God because he listens to me so I know that my dad is healing and better!!! I can see him with full health right now in my head. It’s been quite the last couple of weeks man. It feels like life has been so fast paced which I’m used to but this predicament has really put how fast life is going rn into perspective for me. I’m glad I got to spend time with my dad though. I think I’ve learnt how Important communication is; especially when pride is involved. I’ve always realised that the perception I had on people when I was younger that I was warned about isn’t exactly true and that it was all fear based thinking that influenced my decision making but I’m not that person anymore so I’m fine. But accepting that a person you love has this mindset and will manipulate a situation to their favour is not the easiest thing to accept. But the truth comes out. Everything this revealed under the sun. All in due time. Looking at my dads face and seeing the weakness and twitching in his face and just his breathing alone really made me think of his morality and also how he’s battling with this thing. He said that three days ago he felt as if he was going to die. It’s slowly sinking in that he’s aging and that he won’t be here forever (or atleast physically) but he’ll always be my dad and his spirit will always be with me. I really enjoy my time with the man. He really is my hero. And seeing your hero down has to be one of the most heartbreaking moments in a young man’s life. Seeing him in a moment of crises where there’s no easy fix solution and you must both be strong. It’s not easy.! I bawled in the toilet whilst everyone was in the living room with my dad cause I couldn’t bare to see him talk like that. Saying he thought he was going to die?! what’s all that about man?! You’re my hero man. You’re strong. You’re wise. You’re my dad. Today my hero is human; a growing human at that. He’s not getting younger but he’s still there. Cognitively and physically. I know it. I don’t even know if I want to go into work today because of it. I’m gonna see how I feel. I don’t wanna stress myself when I’m just not gonna feel great like that. It will all be fine. So mote it be. Infinite intelligence is divinely working thru his body and restoring his health back 100%. He is back to complete health. Amen! 🥹♥️ I love you dad!!!’

sign out time: 01:05am

[yk-im-no-good]

omfg

ok tbh my (1) follower DONT READ THIS ACTUALLY ILL END MY LIFE AND PUT YOU ON MY SUICIDE NOTE. im being emo under the keep reading

tbfh ive locked myself in my room since like 5/6 pm idfk. but it's cause I DONT KNOW i was and still am in such a poo mood. liek first my mom promised me yesterday she'd take me to the laundromat today so i can wash my plushies MIND YOU I WAS GONNA PAY FOR ALL OF IT (which isnt sm cuz it's just a bunch of fucking QUARTERS so i wasnt gonna b paying a shartload). and pos NEVERMIND cause she's too tired which is! ok well im not mad she's tired cuz ever since my brother and his kids moved in everythings been 100x stressful for everyone especially her. but idk. maybe it's on me for not seeing this soonerbut she acted like she had no idea wht i was talking abt like...ok...and then she was like "later" BUT LATER NEVER CAME. and then my niece broke my pride fan and idk i didn't get mad at her but i was upset asf cuz THAT SHIT MEANS A LOT TO ME ? like idk i got it at my first pride festival w diana and even if it's just cheap plastic it still holds sentimental value to me. so after tht i just went into my room n listen to sad music which made me even MORE SAD . so i started crying. and den i was like ok well fuck it tumblr theme customizing time. so i did tht and liek. throughout the entire time ive been in my room my niece has been banging on my door, my nephews kept trying to get their dog to fight manchiis thru the crack under my door until i yelled @ them to stop. and den my niece kept banging at my door and i ignored it bc liek. SHE ALWAYS DOES THT EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR EVERY LITTLE DAY. and most of the time ill go along w it cuz liek whatever dude. but i fr didn't wanna be bothered bc i was upset and didn't wanna lash out @ anyone . and then she stopped then liek. in the middle of tumblr customizing my brother knocked on my door and asked if i wanted to eat, i said no LOUDLY CUZ I KNOW IT"S HARD TO HEAR WITH MY MUSIC. and then he left me alone for five mins and then he knocked on my door again and was like vale i cant walk. but i didnt even process w he said cause i didn't even fucking hear him. so i was annoyed and walked out and i see him at the end of the hallway laughing and i go in the kitchen and everyones staring at me giggling. and he was like see she came ^___^ !! and my SIL was like omg she did hehehehe. and even my mom was there laughing. and i felt so fucking embarrassed idk like it felt like they were treating me like a kid. and my brother asked if i wanted to eat again and i was like NO . cause what the fuck is wrong with you like actually. dont fucking humiliate me like that bc if u fr cant walk im not gonna be there for u bitch !!!!! and then my niece started chasing me and trying to get into my room and i was just like . no. and then i started crying again but you know i kept at it for my tumblr theme idgaf. coding this custom cursor through the fucking tears idgaf !!!!!!!!!!! and then my mom called me out to the laundry space asking if i could help her move some stuff for a garage sale into her trunk. n i was liek ok. and then my brother comes and looks at me and asks my mom what she's doing. and then he pats my head and asks if i need help w something and i flinch away from him and say no. then he starts helping my mom with the stuff like picking up 3 of the big ass bags of stuff . and i go back in my room cuz i don't want to talk to him i dont even want to be fucking near him. and then i started crying in my room again. and tbh idk if it's bc im on my period or what. but liek im in such a bad fucking mood

[katt1281]

I’m on season 3 of house md now and I have the most annoying problem with it lmao I’m tired of the medical stuff. I just wanna watch House go thru his lil drama and legal stuff and problems with his friends, I really don’t care about like a firefighter or whoever that’s sick with the latest medical thing I don’t understand. This show is so formulaic but also I can’t stop watching now because I’m way too invested in what House is gonna do next. The hold this silly addict doctor has on me is insane. But I’m also gonna go insane forcing myself to watch 40 mins of a doctor show for like 10 good minutes of House. Why are the episodes so longgg. And so predictable like. You KNOW the first three things they try won’t work, so there’s no point in getting invested. I can almost skip to the last 5 mins of the show because that’s where the actually interesting stuff happens. Stg I could write an episode of house md myself if I knew enough medical jargon. Here watch I’ll draft an episode myself:

We begin the episode and there’s a person doing Something. The visual effects are layered with either a hazy or disoriented film to indicate their vision is wonky. The person either coughs or grabs their chest. Either way they Pass Out, and we fade to black.

Next scene opens, and it’s probably House. He’s playing with one of his toys or just standing their looking like the incredible dilf he is. He’s so swag and cool and he’s gonna string Cuddy along for a bit until he finally agrees to take the case she’s offering him (shocker! Wow show, you really had me going there, I totally thought he WOULDNT take the case this episode!)

The case is the person we saw in the opening. Then we go to Houses office. House talks with Cameron Chase and Foreman about what causes the patients symptoms. House writes on a whiteboard. He will say something uncomfortably racist to Foreman (uncertain if such a thing was funny in 2005). He will shoot down Cameron and Chase’s ideas as well, but in a way that triggers Chase’s daddy issues and just makes Cameron swoon over him more. He may remark on Cameron’s body. He’ll explain what the problem with the patient is using a long-winded metaphor, treating his staff like crap but also giving the audience more understanding of what’s going on. This is not a bad thing. I’m starstruck by his baby-blue eyes and stubble and I want him to keep talking. This is house at his best, full of arrogance. Love to see it. Spirits are high, and the staff goes off to run tests and deliver treatment.

Then, to EVERYONES surprise, the tests/first treatments don’t work!! Oh no!! And now the patient is just getting WORSE and there’s something wrong with their LIVER and they’re gonna DIE. Cameron Chase and Foreman stress out, and argue over some sort of ethical debate. Foreman and one of the other two go break into a house.

Meanwhile House is living his best life by being an ass at the Clinic. If we’re lucky, he’s dealing with a horny grandma or being oddly sweet to some kid, and the visit is interesting. If we’re unlucky, it’s some middle-aged man that has the sniffles or something humorously wrong with his penis.

Now it is time for the Revelation. Through either talking with his boyfriend/hetrosexual life partner Wilson (who is the bestest boy every I love him and his pathetic lil face so much) or through reflecting on a Clinic visit, he will Connect a Clue and realize the solution to the case!! Whoa! Everything’s connected!

Then boom treatment and everything is great the end :33 patient didn’t die, even though the show REALLY wanted you to think they would.

If you’re lucky, the episode also had House go through an emotional thing or a fight or something that shows more depth to his character. That part is great, and less predictable then the rest.

Look I love this show but oh my god it’s mind-numbing sometimes. Literally just need a few episodes where we don’t have the ‘strange unsolved case’ A plot getting in the way of the stuff I care about. Anyways yeah lmao I’m done now

[virginmiri99]

I dont necessarily want to answer all the asks I got bc theyre all very similar so I'll just sum up a responce:

Tommy did not commit a crime. maybe he did idk but its no grooming, sa, or murder. But even then, no creators would stop supporting him. Look at any evil minded ytbr in the past still receiving tons of support. Doesn't matter what it is

I know everyone's dying to know but I've realized I don't want to directly talk about the rumor ive heard thru the grapevine bc the info is dubious (i personally can believe it) but I have no true way of verifying it. If its not true I don't want to cause damage, but if it is true at least now if someone else breaks the story no one will be blindsided like in a few controversies past. also since I got out of the psych ward and was prescribed 3 different mood stabilizers I've stopped caring abt twitch streamers that are not squeex or ludwig. I just want to remove myself from white british men who provide nothing to the world. None of this is important not even this post. what is important? the falling leaves in a cool autumn breeze. seeing the ones you love and putting effort in for them. also squeex.

I personally feel like I can't support tommy anymore. maybe bc I have a job and a real life and theres no pandemic that leaves me bored and with infinate time. Do i think hes an evil person down to the bone? no--theres so many factors at play you cant really pin a label to it. this is just my personal feelings and I predict it would be a handful of peoples feelings on twt as well. But again I've come to the conclusion I dont want to be the one to break the news. I have no attachment to british ppl anymore bc ive been hyper fixated on my bf who is a real person unlike the dastardly tommyinnit. I just want to plant a seed so in a way if all this is true no one is left blindsided and getting hella rsd. an old witch in a forest passed off a cryptic omen to you....

I still love gossip i cant help it, but I dont want to involve my presence in it bc I dont care that much. I do love a good keke with an anon always

No more hints. but if youre a true stalker it wont be that much of a surprise. No fans involved. dont take things at face value, and question if the stress is truly worth it #noticing . sometimes its better to let things go and grow to new heights (this last bit is for tommy too)

I know some of u will be annoyed that I caused all this ruckus only to leave u hanging but youll be fine. In a way it might be good for you. Sorry if this pissed you off Ithink I'm starting my period like tomorrow soon ive been mad asf and impulsive all week fuck these cars on the road why the hell are there birds in the sky why the hell is my boyfriend playing roblox FIND THE TROLL FACE YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THAT SHT GETTOUTAHERE like does anyone else literally cringe when they hear that I feel like im being gaslit abt how its amazing is this how normies felt in 2020 when dsmp was blowing up wtf im sick what was i saying? oh yeah. keep watching tommy if u like the content it wont affect your moral standing trust mejust like how I would hate watch onision in middle school sorry yall i was addicted to #hate. and look. I get to see the beauty of nature everyday. yay! ^-^

uhm ...

[summer-dreams-ripped]

yall (yall being the 0 amnt of people who even see this vent blog and it just being me so I'm just talking to myself) there's this one person whos been causing so much stress in my life rn.

like i get it they have issues too but dear god. stop it.

first there was a whole thing with everyone/?? thinking we were dating?? and i felt like shit the whole time

then they ended up having a CRUSH on me so i was like 'ok cool but i don't like u back ' till they AUDIBLY SAID that they wanted to kiss me on the lips IN FUCKING CLASS

like bitch

THEN when i asked for phsyical space they booped me on the nose

like what abt htat do you not understan

& *THEN* WHEN I MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION FOR MY O W N CLUB THAT THEY WERE VICE - PRESEDINTING FOR (I FOUNDED THIS CLUB THEY DIDNT EVEN APPEAR TILL LIKE THE 3RD SESSION) THEY SAID I WAS TREATING THEM LIKE AN UNDERLING???

LIKE HOLY FUCK

IVE STOPPED GIVING A SHIT AT THIS POINT

theyre also going thru shit which makes me feel guilty but rn idgaf

ii can be lonely for all i care

but because every time it starts feeling normal again something with them happens that swirls up the shitstorm which does not help my fucking anxiety disorder.

[cinefairy]

MANIFESTING IN HARD CIRCUMSTANCES ♡ HOW IT’S POSSIBLE

(TW: SLIGHT MENTION OF ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLDS)

this is such an important topic that we need to talk about and i want to address it and face it head on, ik a lot of people are currently in devastatingly hard circumstances such as in an abusive household or abusive relationships or probably dealing with some hardships within themselves like depression and anxiety.

a reminder….

you can manifest anything you want, you are not limited to what you can and what you cant manifest, you may not see it yet but eventually you will. you’re so strong, you’re so uniquely beautiful and creative and you can do anything you set your mind to i strongly believe that!

yes you might be struggling thru some dark times and you might feel that you’ve finally been beaten and you can’t do anything to change that but you CAN. you can change your life completely at ANY TIME! trust me you have all the time in the world. if i have done it, so can you.

so..how? how do i manifest getting out of this circumstance?

1. ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR POWER AND STRENGTH.

i say it all the time and im gonna say it again, you are AMAZING. please praise yourself on how even in the toughest of circumstances you haven’t given up. you never have, even after tons of obstacles, tons of harsh words thrown at you you’re still here, you have such power within you and i cant wait for u to use your power.

2. NEUTRALISATION.

neutral affirmations:

“I can do this.”

“everyday, I am making progress and getting better and better”

“I am okay today”

“I am proud of myself for trying my hardest today”

“From now I on, I will better myself, create new habits and take care of myself”

“I haven’t figured it all out yet, but one day I will”

“My current reality is not the end of it all, i can change anything within a second”

3. DO NOT EVER BLAME YOURSELF

i cant stress this ENOUGH. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF, especially if you’re in a toxic household where they call you stupid 24/7, you’re not stupid, your family is. they hate their lives so bad that they have to destroy your day and once you’ve had enough of it and you finally break down they pull this whole narrative on you as if you’re the villain this is a trick they do to make you feel bad about yourselves and feel guilty.

trust me, you’re ten times better and you dont deserve the shit that they gave you, and take it from ME who has been in that same position you can manifest getting tf out that house.

4. “IGNORING THE 3D” UM..NO!

sorry, i disagree with ignoring the 3D! now you might think ignoring the 3D is crucial but i believe its not necessary and it can cause more harm than good. lets say you’re manifesting getting out of a household that does not benefit you at all, but at the same time you’re getting called ugly, stupid and fat..how are you meant to ignore that exactly? right..you cant. so heres what i do; I JUST KNOW that what the 3D is showing me isn’t the end of it all. ik this situation im in rn is gonna change and ik that what I WANT IS ATTAINABLE AND WILL HAPPEN, why? because I SAID SO.

5. YOUR FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER.

just because you cried, just because you lashed out and “gave in” has no control on your manifestation. do not control and hold in how you feel for a sake of a manifestation, that will do you no good, as well as manifesting for a better life you can do things to make you feel good! like appreciating yourself, but dont EVER beat yourself up for feeling how you feel.

[with-love-from-hell]

Melancholia

{part Three}

Fandom: Obey me!

Genre: Angst

Written for F!Mc

WC: ~2.7k

Music Accompaniment (Shivering thru Wasteland)

CW:  Minor violence, jealousy, romantic rivalry, possessiveness/incel type behavior, verbal arguing, depression, negative self-talk, passive suicidal thoughts, anxiety, racing thoughts, mentions of spiking drinks. 

>> Though I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, I am not your therapist. If you have experienced any form of depression or suicidal thoughts, and are in need of help, please utilize the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, NIMH helpline, or the SAMHSA helpline. <<

I think im gonna continue to make most of the melancholia parts a bit shorter (between 2-3k words) so I don't have to stress about writing too much when my workload is causing stress.

You can find any future parts by searching the tag #Vermillion Skies or #Melancholia on my blog! I have added it to all parts!”

Series Masterlist

Simeon sighed, trying to evade the royals by going up to his room. Barbatos’ scolding had continued on for what felt like hours. He honestly gave Lucifer a run for his money with how lengthy, pointless, and annoying his lectures were. It could have been summed up with “you weren’t invited to the dinner, and you aren’t allowed to see Mc.” Instead, he had the butler on his heel scolding him for every wrong step since Mc and Lucifer had left for their trip. The lecturing paused for a moment when Barbatos left in a huff to deconstruct the room reserved tonight for the newly engaged couple, only to come back twice as angry after seeing the demolished wreath and wrapped up card on the floor- already knowing the act was clearly Simeon's doing. 

“Simeon, are you even listening to me?” Barbatos snapped, at his wits end with his behavior. He couldn’t believe the sheer audacity he had in his actions tonight...and for the past few weeks, for that matter.

“Heard every word, unfortunately.” He sneered back over his shoulder. “If I wanted my every action criticized, I would have just stayed in the Celestial Realm.” 

“You think this is just a mere critique of a few minor missteps? You caused them so much unnecessary trauma- this is much more of an issue than you think!”

Simeon scoffed, turning to open his bedroom door. “Whatever.” 

“Haven’t you any shame for-” 

“Haven’t you any shame?” Simeon echoed in a high-pitch mocking tone, before attempting to slam the door in Barbatos’ face. 

Barbatos felt his neck heat up under his collar, the anger really getting to him. Try as he might, he was no longer able to contain the frustration he had for the former angel. He stopped the door from slamming with his foot, not even feeling any sort of pain when the wood pinned his foot against the frame with how furious he was. He slammed the door back open, sending Simeon stumbling backwards. 

“Hey! What’s the big ide-AH” Simeon yelped as Barbatos lifted him by the neck and slammed his body into the wall. His eyes were cold and emotionless, but the flicking of his tail showed he was well beyond pissed. Simeon gulped, trying to swallow back his fear against the hold on his neck. Barbatos rarely, if ever, lashed out like this, so he must have really fucked up this time.

“I’ve had just about all I can take of your insolence, Simeon.” He stated flatly, staring intently into the former angel's deep blue irises. “The sheer amount of disrespect you have shown the young master and myself, as well as Lucifer and Mc, has been completely inexcusable. If you will not listen to reason, perhaps there is another way I can drill the consequences of your behavior into your head.” 

Simeon felt Barbatos’ hands squeeze ever-so-slightly tighter around his throat, causing his breaths to falter. Barbatos stood, unmoving, watching the angel gasp for more air. He considered his options, trying to decide whether or not he would give into his urges to give Simeon a piece of his mind through physical violence. 

“What? no come back this time?” Barbatos hissed, residing himself to dropping Simeon to the floor. 

Simeon gasped, finally feeling the crisp evening air fill his lungs to their full capacity. Barbatos let out a tsk, before turning to exit his room. On his way out, the butler turned back to him. “I expect you awake tomorrow morning at 7:30am sharp. You will be packing your things and returning to Purgatory Hall.” 

Simeon’s eyes widened, anxiety beginning to ripple through his body. “Wh...what?”

“I have no intention on repeating myself.” Barbatos paused, glancing down to the floor. “If you have no intention on following the basic rules we have set for you, then you will no longer be allotted the security of the royal castle as you adjust to Devildom.” 

“No! You can’t!” Simeon blurted out in a panic, scrambling to his feet and stumbling toward where Barbatos stood. “You can’t just toss me out like that!” 

Barbatos whipped around to face him, leaning into the former angels face with eyes of pure disdain. His voice came out as a nefariously soft hiss. “You are in no position to tell me, nor the young master, what we can or cannot do. We gave you enough grace as it is- and to have you demand more is an insult to the royal name. You had your chance to live peacefully, and you decided not to. The choice you made has sealed your fate here, Simeon. I suggest you let that marinate in that thick skull of yours.” 

Without another word, he spun on his heel and paced quickly down the hall, a few little Ds joining his stride the further down the hall he walked. He disappeared down the stairs, leaving Simeon alone with his thoughts.

Simeon stood frozen, the events that had transpired throughout the day racing through his head. His heart thrummed aggressively against his chest as he tried to process the whole of it, finding himself sinking deeper into a hole the more he thought about it. He sunk in on himself, slowly leaning his back against the door and sliding down to the ground. His weeping was more reserved, only now realizing how much he really did mess up. Not only did he lose Mc, he had lost Luke, Michael, the other angels, the brothers, and now the royals. The only ally that stood in his corner was Solomon, and even thenhe was sure his loyalty was limited.

...And perhaps he was to blame for all of it.

How pitiful he must look, crying into is arms at gravity of his own stupid mistakes. But he truly believed he was more than deserving of this heartache.

It would be better if you were dead. 

The thought came to the forefront of his mind, and he found himself fixating on it for a moment. At first, he tried to challenge it- to tell himself that the thought meant nothing...but after he continued to hear the words repeat themselves tens of times over in his head, he began to believe them. 

Maybe it would be better. 

Simeon sighed, tears slipping down his cheeks in waves- wiped away, only to be replenished anew. Why did the royals even bother to save him from the grips of death after he had fallen? It would have made everyone's lives easier if he would have perished...or at least, thats what he convinced himself. He held himself in as tight of a grip as he could muster, knowing this was the only support he had. 

He longed to be held by Mc, with whispered reassurance that things would be okay while he rested his head on theirs. Or to be sat down for a dozen, extravagant, freshly-baked cupcakes and a warm cup of tea with Luke, chatting away about weekend plans. Or to be able to go home to his other angel brothers, having them all greet him with hugs and pecks on the cheek, giving him a warm reminder of that familial bond they once shared. But he had none of it, and all he could do was think about how empty he felt without those things.

But...perhaps it would be better off this way. if he was alone, he couldn't hurt the ones he cared about.

--------------------------

“Mc, are you feeling alright?” Lucifer took your chin between his thumb and index finger, turning your face to look you over. Your eyes were sunken and your skin was a bit clammy, making him worry you were falling ill. “You appear abit feverish.”

You push his hand away gently, turning away and trying to reassure him, hiding the discomfort that had been festering for the entire 4-hour ride in the car. “I’m fine. It's just...uh- It was just a long ride here...and I’m tired.” 

Lucifer looks unconvinced as he finishes setting the travel bags down in the entry way to the small beach hut. He rests his arms around your hips, staring deeply into your eyes. “It does you no good being dishonest, Mc. You know I can see right through you.” 

With a resided sigh, you settle yourself on the edge of the bed and turn your gaze downcast. Lucifer sits beside you, taking your hands delicately in his. He brushes his thumb over your knuckles for a moment, savoring their smoothness. After a moment, you decide to speak.

“I am just...really conflicted.” You sigh once more, briefly looking up into his shimmering ruby eyes. “Seeing Simeon was just so...sudden. Why didn’t you tell me he was here? That he was alive?” 

Lucifer visibly tensed at your question. “I...I didn’t realize he was living freely with the royals. I thought Simeon was living in a separate area of Devildom. Though, I suppose it’s my own fault that I didn’t know. The minute they brought him up I demanded they not speak his name to me after all he’s done.” 

"I get that...but..." you bite your lip, turning your gaze away. "I was really worried about him...about everything. You shouldn't have hid that from me."

Lucifer sighs, squeezing your hands tighter. "I know...I know. However, I didn't want you getting near him if you knew he was here, after everything that has happened."

You nod, pausing a moment to chew on his words. “I know you’re upset with him-”

“That truly is an understatement, Mc.” Lucifer flashes you a irritated look.

“...okay...yes. You're more than upset. But...” You trail off, not knowing what to say to him about how you felt. You wanted to clear the air and set boundaries with Simeon now that you know he’s alive, and you believed you could resume your friendship...Though, you also know that Lucifer would be hard to convince given all that has transpired.

Lucifer raises an eyebrow at you, giving your hand a gentle squeeze in anticipation of what you were about to say. “But..?”

You suck in a deep breath. “Avoiding him wont make any of this go away. Despite everything, he’s still my friend, and I care about him. I know you don’t want to hear me say that, but it’s true. I want a chance to talk with him about everything and get some closure. He's not a bad person, he just-” 

Lucifer sighed loudly in frustration, interrupting the rest of your thought. He dropped your hands and got up to pace around the room, trying to calm the anger and hurt brewing in his heart. “Mc...why? Why do you insist on trying to stay friends with someone who merely sees you as a prize to be won and not an autonomous individual? What about this situation do you not understand?!”

You wrap your arms around yourself, trying not to burst into tears in the terse tone Lucifer was taking with you. He always tried so hard to be gentle, and it was clear this was striking a huge nerve within him. You thought maybe he was jealous at how Simeon acted around you, and that he very clearly had a crush on you. As you continue to ponder the thought more as he snaps back at you, it becomes more plausible. 

He turns on his heel, staring down at you with stern eyes. The words came out loud and intense, and he waved his hands around as he spoke, causing you to flinch. “Were the intentions not apparent in his behavior tonight!? This was no modest attempt at rekindling friendship- it was all in an attempt to swoon you! He’s just trying to seduce you to win over your affection- to ruin our relationship- and it pains me to see you so oblivious to his ruse! Open your God dammed eyes, Mc!” 

He eyes you for a moment as he takes a minute to breathe. As he notices your timid demeanor, he begins to regret the way in which he spoke to you. He ran a hand though his hair in frustration, trying to figure out what to say next.

Your voice was meek as you finally gave your response. “Luci...are you afraid that he’ll somehow steal my love from you..?” 

Lucifer freezes, his eyes widening slightly at your words. As you look up at him, he turns away, his cheeks reddened with shame. “No! ...Well, not really...I mean-” 

As he stumbles over his response, you begin to feel a deep gnawing pain in your heart. You begin to question if his upset was only in envy, and he feared that you would cheat on him. 

Did he really have that little confidence in your relationship- even after proposing? 

Your voice begins to shake and you look away, the sadness you felt finally coming right through. “D-Do you not trust me?” 

Lucifer snapped his gaze over to you. His chest ached at the way the words squeaked past your lips in such a depressingly defeated tone. As the tears begin to slip past your eyelids, he rushes toward you. He hated being the cause of your sorrow, and cursed himself for not being able to watch his temper. He drops to one knee before your body, pulling you into a tight embrace. 

Lucifer didn’t want to admit that part of his frustration with Simeon was fear that you would fall for the former angel instead, even though you had never given Lucifer any indication you would ever stray from his love. And even if you were to make that decision, he knew it wouldn’t be right to stop you. You were an adult- a competent one at that- and you had a right to make your own decisions.

But...a bigger part of his fear was that Simeon would do something so stupidly desperate, like giving you an aphrodisiac without your knowledge or taking you from him by force, and causing you more hurt in the long run. He didn’t want him to have the opportunity to hurt you, and the idea of him being alone with you to 'talk' sent eaves of alarm through his body. Lucifer sighs, squeezing you a bit tighter and brushing his hand over your upper back gently.  

“Mc...it’s not that I don’t trust you.” He murmurs into your hair before pulling away to look into your eyes. “It’s that I don’t trust him.” 

You look at him quizzically as you wipe the tears from your cheeks. You didn't quite understanding what he meant. 

Lucifer sighs, residing himself to swallowing his pride to give you a better explanation. “I fear that he may hurt you, or try to force your hand in leaving me. I do trust you- more than anyone in the three realms. I would not have given you control over me with our pact if I didn’t. Nor would I have been so vulnerable in offering you my heart. But I...I...” 

Lucifer trails off, feeling his own chest tightening when the memory of the night of the ball floods back into his mind. Simeon was so volatile, so violent...even towards you. The image of your body being thrown back aggressively into the pillar flashes in front of his mind, and he remembers the fear in his heart as you slowly blinked out of your daze. For a moment, he had been afraid Simeon had killed you, and he had no idea what he would have done with himself if that were to have happened. 

You squeeze his back, feeling your heart wracked with guilt at even assuming Lucifer didn’t value you or your relationship enough to wholly trust rely on your devotion to him. 

He nuzzles into your hair and squeezes you back in response. his voice was barely audible, so much so that you almost thought you imagined it. “I don’t want to ever fear having to lose you again, Mc. It’s happened too much for one lifetime.” 

You both stay locked in an embrace for awhile as the artificial sun sets outside the large Bay windows. The wind creates a soft howl, enveloping you in the familiar sense of a cool summer night. the conversation definitely wasn't over, but for now, you would put it to rest.

[outofcontexturi]

sat 10th Dec 2022 journal 00:41am

I’m currently at mikes apartment in Croydon. I’ve spent the evening at his office and just chilling here talking about life and shit. really put a lot of things into perspective and he gave me a deeper insight into his life and personality. I didn’t know he had some of the things he had going on. I’ve genuinely learnt a lot and I’ve come to accept that he does care about me as much as I’ve tried not to think about it all these years. I would think he has me in his best interests. I can’t exactly tell how I feel though. Reba has unfollowed me on pretty much everything. I think that’s the end of that friendship. It’s painful but again. I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong so I’m not so hard pressed about it. I think she’ll feel it more in the long run. Because I know what I bring to the table as a friend and I know that I’ve been there for her when she’s needed me the most. I know I’ve tried my hardest with her and if she chooses to leave then she can honestly be my guest. I don’t care. It’s 00:56am. Apparently I’m going to a breakfast thingy later on this morning or at least I’ve been invited to it. Also I managed to get a meeting with an acting agency!! can’t believe it happened but like damn it happened. This whole process has been the most stressful thing ever and just to even be seen by an agent that has some form of faith in me is kinda crazy when I think about it. Like damn. I didnt play a massive role in this play; infact I wasn’t even that integral to the story but to see someone actually enjoy it enough to say they’d want to meet with me is something so crazy. All praise goes to God. And some praise goes to me for fucking pushing thru this rep cause God knows I’ve cried tears many many times thru out this process even thinking whether or not I want to carry on this show or kill my self . I’m glad I didn’t opt the latter. Life can be wonderful sometimes. I’m still broken a bit from everything that has happened in the last 3 months. Life doesn’t feel so real. I feel alot at once and it’s not easy but I’ve survived the toughest days I’ve lived this year and that’s got to count for something. Still letting go of things and people that don’t serve me. I need to cut down on the porn I’m watching too. It’s not fun anymore. I need real intimacy. Or something. This is no longer serving me the way it used to. I need a change. There’s more to this life. There has to be. It’s 1:11am. I genuinely don’t know what to think of life. I’m going to look back at a lot of these posts and think “23 must’ve been such a crazy year man” cause I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said I don’t believe what’s happening in my life or whatever. I also don’t think I’m crazy. I don’t think I’m schizophrenic. I don’t think I’m depressed. I do think I’m moody. I’ve been moody for at least 10 years now maybe even 12 idk. Life just seems to be at a constant. Mike was talking about habits today and how to know if you’re addicted to something you can test it by noticing if there’s a habit in said behaviour. I know this already but it was nice to be reminded and to think about the behaviour I show myself. It’s also nice to know that I can change at any time. I need to make time for travel. I think im at that stage in my life. I must travel and see the world. I hope it get to experience all these different cultures and widen my worldview before I go. It’s 1:48am now. was scrolling thru Twitter. I need to think of some questions to ask this agent. more importantly I need to sleep. I’m gonna try and aim to sleep in the next 30 mins. Goodnight/ morning uri. until next time bud.

sign out time : 1:49am

[medical-gal]

Death by a thousand cuts

I have been thinking about writing this for months now. Even before I decided to quit the residency at my previous job.

COVID has been kicking our ass, true, but that was (is) true for most healthcare providers all around the world.

No, my struggle started a bit before that actually.

First some background, I have been working at one of the biggest most famous ID clinics in central Europe. The clinic is in a different country than I am originally from so there was a bit of cultural accommodating at the begging. But we were a big group of ID interns/residents/fellows and specialists.

I don't actually remember that much from my first year working there. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I read in some study that when u experience a high dose of stress and/or sleep deprivation for a long time, your brain kinda stopps being able to transcribe short term memory into a long term.

I was working 100hours/week, sometimes less, sometimes more. After a year and a half, when the last half I worked in the ID ER for five months, I always stayed after working 24 hours, sometimes over 36hours, and I would see and treat 70ish patients. Nobody from the older docs would help me out, nobody from other interns either bc usually they would have their own kind of hell to take care of.

The fact that basically, inexperienced doctors are taking care of patients never really phased my ex-boss. Her mantra was that if there was a problem that you cannot resolve, you can call her and she would advise you. Which most of the time was true, I must say that.

But we all have been young docs, barely out of our medical school garments, and sometimes as it happened, we could not recognize there IS a problem that maybe needs a more experienced opinion.

I am often confronted with this idea or more like a culture, of pretending that once you are an MD you don't need help and asking for it is a kind of weakness and that then you are forever on the list of WEAKLINGS.

And let me say this only once.

That's absolute bullshit.

Anyway, the first time I decided to quit I worked there for about a year and a half, I went for a long-expected holiday, I took three weeks off, had interviews and talked with my bf about my options.

Second thing...my man, bless his beard, would support me no matter what. He is almost 10 years older than me, so he has more work experience and I find it reassuring to discuss stuff like this with him bc I know he will not sugarcoat it. He said that I should dig my heels in and last at least one more year till the end of my "internship". As a "resident" who worked at this specific department, I wouldn't have a problem finding another job. We r basically the equivalent of a french legion of medical professionals (when u work in this specific department and everyone knows it, I will come back to that later).

So I took his advice. Thankfully as a part of our training, one of those parts is a year-long internship at the internal medicine department, which I did shortly after we had that conversation and guys, that was a revelation of how medicine and just...work and life can be experienced. There were enough docs for a floor, an attending who had the time to manage and advise us. I´ve grown that year as a doc so much. Other internships were mandatory so I could have become (equivalent of) a resident, and it was a general surgery, anesthesiology, radiology, microbiology etc. But I did them all and became a resident.

The moment I came back to our clinic, my boss would put me in our outpatient department. Which I have never worked on before. The head of the department has quit a few months before, and I had no idea what to do there, bc it's a very different type work. The only thing my boss told me when I spoke of my concerns were "you will learn".

Thankfully the previous head of the department was a good friend of mine and she would always answer my questions and requests. Suddenly I no longer had to deal with the hectic life of an ID floor or ER, no sepsis, meningitis, etc.

Most of my patients were the chronic type...Lyme, chlamydia, mycoplasma... let's say it literally drained the life out of me. But I managed. Also, I started to work for their outpatient office which takes care of patients with chronic hepatatis. That I enjoyed more.

I also started to dip my toes in vaccinology, either planned like for travel but I started to be more interested in preventive care in the immunocompromised and my own phantasmagoria was to make a palliative care team in our hospital. Bc, we had none. And then a wonderful thing happened, other docs, older experienced, great at their work, started to refer their patients to me specifically.

There were more examples of the utter a complete FUCK U(s) which were kindly provided either by the system or by the head of the department or the hospital.

Then covid hit and the shit hit the interstellar space.

I still can't make myself remember the first few months bc it actually causes me to go into a rage fit, and honestly, I am done with that kind of negativity.

I hold out for a year. Year of such shitty treatment from the chief and our hospital head. No thank you- s or you are doing a good job or we r all on the same ship.

No.

People will say that I quit bc of the money. And that's not true, tho it did irk me a bit. All the other ID specialists working at different hospitals would get covid bonuses every month. We got jack shit. Again, the best biggest most know ID clinic. We were the first and oftern the ONLY ones who would test for/diagnose/hospitalize/treat a patient who had covid FOR MONTHS in the beginning.

I mean, the medical community is small, the ID community even smaller so yes, we were able to compare and contrast the work at different ID departments in other hospitals bc our friends worked there. And all of them would go speechless when they would hear from us what we were living thru.

At one point at the beginning of the pandemic, ALL the ambulances would go thru our ER department and we were supposed to decide where the patient should go.

AN EXAMPLE

Ambulance with a woman who has known colon cancer, had a fever, stomach as a rock and is projectile vomiting. I was supposed to decide where she should go and the surgeon would be super pissed when I said that I don't think she has COVID but without PCR I can't be sure but I think there is a bigger pressing issue. I remember him saying:

"well if anyone else gets infected at our department and dies, it's on you."

fun.

There were other examples of seriously stressful episodes which I and my coworkers lived thru, for which we were not trained for, advised, or properly supervised. At a certain point, I started to take anxiolytics before and during my all-nighters bc I didn't know what I would do with all that stress which was so callously shat on me and my coworkers.

For a few months, I stopped working nights, only thru the mercy of my coworkers who saw how exhausted I was and would take my shifts.

Anyway, after only two months I had to start working nights bc I needed the money. The basic pay for docs was just not enough without the extra from night shifts. Talk about exploiting.

The moment however when I decided to QUIT, when I was DONE, when I actually heard my heart break, was the moment at the end of the previous year. They decided to start vaccinating in our tiny small vaccination centre. Let's say a "shit storm" brewing is the light version of events that ensued.

But basically, as I was trying to discuss with my boss that we are all exhausted, that this wave is not slowing down and that throwing more work at us, the docs and nurses and other staff, who are overworked, is not a good idea,

What she basically said to me is that who says things like that is lazy and that if she can handle it everyone must be also.

The thing is..most of us were at the bring. Some would handle it with casual and calous sex, drugs (legal or not), a bottle of wine before sleep. A coworker ended up with antipsychotics.

But u know,

we were all lazy apperently.

I realized there is no way out of this other than quitting. I could not continue being so tired and sad all the time. I took two weeks off, really thought about it. Had diarrhoea and nausea for a week as I realized I will have to quit :D

On a Monday I came back, handed in my notice. Basically what she told me and how she reacted made me realized how right the decision was.

I had to stay there for another three months bc that's the law, but my mood changed significantly.

I got another job in a smaller ID department, working with amazingly kind people, but that's another story.

But that was the only interview I actually looked for and did. I, however, did get several job offers from different types of medicine. From heads of different departments in my old hospital to smaller general medicine chain offices who are looking for ID specialists, to insurance companies.

Like I said, french legion.

Or Runway and your boss is Miranda Pristley. Once u survive that, u survive anything.

But at my old work they would keep hitting you with wave after wave of passive agressive comments about how if u quit, u wont be able to find anything as"prestigious" as this.

There were many other exmaples of a shitty and questionable situations which were treated as "normal" but there is not point on getting on that rage train.

Contrary as it might seem, I am greatful I got to live thru this, good and bad, bc now I know what I am and am not willing to sacrifice for a job. No matter how much I might love it.

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen