#as long as I don’t feel humiliated and bad about myself then I’m good to goooooo

[rosicheeks]

Verbal meaning the guy is being verbal with you during sex, whether praising or teasing. And some would consider talking about your fat tits and ass and talking about sharing you or posting pics of you and/or showing them to friends humiliation. But yeah.

Them being verbal? Yes pls

Me being verbal? No 😤

[rheiple]

Attention Seeker

-OneShot

▪︎SUMMARY↦ Why is he following and helping you around with every chance he gets?

▪︎WARNING/s↦ None

▪︎CHARACTER/s↦ Eclipse, Reader

▪︎AUTHOR'S NOTE↦ Gago ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat,, well anyways this the Eclipse wanting reader's attention, the first thing I needed to do at the poll.

I'm not really satisfied with the out come, but I wanted to post it not instead of letting it rot in my notes, and also I might not do the other fics I've planned at the poll, if i did write them then its gonna be for a long time

I've noticed that whenever i write, when I'm passionate about something I noticed that my writing looks good(?)

But when I force myself to write its basically shit, and this Fic is probably one of the few sjit fics I've written

So yea I hope you don't mind

“…It’s really dark in here.. Mind if you shine your eye lights over here bud?”

The sound of metal clinking represents the movement of your very tall and lanky companion.  With it’s big bright eyes, you’re able to be see the injured Helpy trying to move it’s way towards a vent.

Here in the storage room, it’s very hard to move and see with how many piled stuff are stored in this small room. You’re surprised that He managed to cramp himself inside here.

Eclipse, your ‘new' friend has been tagging along with you ever since your shift has started.

You don’t really know why- or maybe you do. Perhaps it’s because he’s still new with his surroundings in this Pizza Plex. Couldn’t really blame him, and it’s not like you mind his company anyways. You just found it a little strange.. and maybe cute.

You went to carry the small bear in your arms, you heard a little hiss coming from the taller one. You eyed him as you put Helpy on a table.

Noticing you making eye contact with him, he grinned from ear to ear, he lets out a creepy glitchy giggle. It’s like he’s drunk on something.

Honestly though, you want to have a taste with whatever he’s drunk with. It’d be a good stress reliever for at the moment. But oh well, no matter, you have at least 30 minutes until it’s your break time. You could pull this through.

Just like what you keep saying to yourself for the previous days.

Holding the hammer up high, you gave Helpy a little warning. Knowing he’s been given the ability to feel pain and all. It’s creepy and sad knowing this bot's cursed ability is used to train newbies. You also wondered how on earth are they able to program that.

“All right Helpy, I’m not gonna sugarcoat this and tell you it’s gonna hurt just a little. It’s actually gonna hurt really bad but I need you to be brave for me ok?”

He's shaking, but he nodded his head.

“…Ok, on the count of one… two…”

You aimed the hammer a little close to his knee.

“And…Three-"

Eclipse hold the back of the hammer.

“Wha- Eclipse? What’s wrong?”

He gently took the hammer out of your hand. His other hand softly patting your head.

And immediately slammed it on baby bear bear's knee.

“OH MY GOD!”

While Helpy screamed because of the sudden pain, you screamed in fright because of how loud and painful Helpy's scream is. Eclipse took care of the situation by putting some kind of mask that emits special smoke to calm him down, and put a bandaid on his knee.

His other hand went to give him a lollipop.

You only looked at him flabbergasted. And he only smiled at you.

“Work is over.. Break now..”

One of his hands took yours and led you to the cafeteria.

.

.

.

Well this is humiliating.

You ignore the stares of your co-workers, glaring at them if they ever so much as chuckled at your current predicament.

He held the spoon filled with fried rice and chicken, the lunch you packed for yourself and tried to feed you. He’s making you look like a baby god dammit! You glared right up at him and gently smacked away the spoon. “Eclipse, you’re kinda making me look like a fool here…”

The celestial robotic tilted its head, he slowly brought back the spoon close to your mouth. His other hand  holding your chin, trying to pry your mouth open. “…ahh”

You took a grip on his hand and lowered it down where he couldn’t reach your chin once again. He didn’t seem to mind, as he gladly took your hand and intertwined it with his slim fingers instead. He began to rub your hand with his thumb as best as he could.

With a sigh, you took the spoon and placed it on your lunch box. You look at Eclipse and hold his other hand. His rays slowly started moving at the initiated contact. “Look man..” You start off, letting out your thoughts and feelings was really hard for you. You’ve never thought you’d even do it to someone like Eclipse, considering he probably doesn’t know the most of what your saying unless you explained it but.. At least he had sympathy, you wouldn’t be able to find that in most people nowadays. That’s probably why you feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings to him.

“Eclipse…You know I really really appreciate you helping me around stuff n all but. I kind of feel like you’re just… Babying me at this point.”

He emits a low mechanical whine, you could feel the slight tightness of his hands. “…Not intentional.. wanted to help you… get work done…”

“Awwe, thanks buddy.” You gently squeezed his hands and did the same thing Eclipse did with your hand earlier. “…But are you sure that’s the only reason? I noticed that.. You’ve been a little passive aggressive with the other bots.. Whenever I focus on them instead of you.”

With your confrontation, he looks to the side and whistled out some playful toons.

You confirmed that being rough with Helpy earlier was intentional on his part.

You let go of his hands to put yours on your hips. Giving him the all knowing stare, you called to him in a accusing manner. He only grinned widely at the mention of his name. You guessed that scaring a robot wouldn’t really work considering with looks alone, he’s the scary one than you.

“…Are you jealous?”

“…no..”

“You’re lying.”

“Not lying… only fibbing.”

You scratched your head and raised a brow. “But why? Why are you jealous?”

The tall robot leaned in to hug you. You went to sit on his lap. His faceplate rotated from left to right. “…love your eyes. Better on me.. than on them..”

You snickered and brought a hand up to your face. “Oh my god.. you wanted my attention?” You  seem to get the memo as he purred in delight at your question. “..Oh Eclipse.”

You pry yourself off to stand and look at him, cupping his face with your small hands. As expected he leaned in to your touch. “You didn’t have to go through all that way just to get my attention you know that?” Seriously, he really shouldn’t have.

He caused hell to the other bots, he’s scary when he’s jealous.

“If you wanted my attention, you could’ve just asked! You know I wouldn’t say no..”

He took a hold of your hand with his, and looked at you with bright purple eyes.

“May I… have your eyes on me?” You grinned and kissed his teeth. “Of course..”

He began to stand up, surprising you by picking you up. You didn’t know where your going, but you assumed in one of the dark places where no one could find you. You’re glad you play a vital role at your job, or else you would’ve been fired with the amount of time you’ve went missing during your working hours.

You didn’t noticed, but Eclipse surely did, of a certain robot hanging from the ceiling observing him with envy.

The moon themed animatronic crossed his arms. “…So this is what our star has been wasting their time on..”

‘No fair, no fair! Why spend time with a bootleg version of us?!'

It’s as if Eclipse heard their thoughts, one of his hands gave them the rude gesture from behind.

Moon clicked his tongue. “So…that’s how you want to play…”

He’s been playing unfair for the past few days! Always sabotaging their plans so he could have you in his arms! They tried so, so many times to get your attention. Like making so many messes in the Daycare for you to help them clean it, they made gifts so they could see your flustered face, and they even broke themselves for you to fix them.

Not only did the metal prick cleaned the Daycare, fixed them instead of you- which they much rather prefer,  he stole their gifts, lying to you that he was the one who made it instead of them! He is such a big fat liar! A phoney!!

He could imagine his Sunny counter part walking around and huffing in annoyance. ‘Oh the nerve of him to do that! When I get my hands on our star once again he’ll be begging us to let him see her! And even then it’d be over my shut downed body if he ever thought I’d agree!'

The lunar jester is pretty sure the Eclipse would just control their minds to scrap themselves up, before they could even think of hiding away their star.. As much as he wanted to, he and Sun knew it’d just make you sad if you found out they’re not on good terms.

So they’re the ones who tried to give them the time he needed with you but, they’re just abusing their kindness at this point. They need to hatch up a plan to have you back in their arms sooner of later.

The moon slowly backed away by crawling. “…Hoping to see that soon…” He went back to his patrols for now.

[nattysstargirl]

Alone, again.

Mafia!Wanda Maximoff X Reader angst

Brief Mafia!Pietro Maximoff X Reader

Short blurb

Age gap (undisclosed)

I thought the way Pietro treated me was bad, but it was nothing compared to what his sister has done. From him I expect nothing less than selfishness and disloyalty, but her? No. It has been a week since we slept together for the second time and I awoke in her room alone again. I was disappointed and wished that she would have woken me to say goodbye, but I didn’t for a second doubt that we would talk later in the day.

The rose-tinted glasses I have worn since I was old enough to think Wanda Maximoff was a mixture of superhero and goddess, have left me vulnerable to the fact that she is as capable as her brother of using and discarding women. At least Pietro never pretended to be anything different. He told me explicitly that he didn’t love me right before we had sex.

Wanda sucked me in. She gave me a taste of what I have craved for so long. I felt safe with her, protected. My eyes roll every time I think of the warmth I felt when she called me baby or my darlin’. How naive and stupid was I that I thought that meant she cared at all for me? Wherever she has been sleeping this week, she has probably been whispering the same sweet words into another woman’s ear.

My cheeks redden with the humiliation I can’t shake. The feeling that I am pathetic. All I am worth is a political marriage. My mother can’t see me past her self-obsession and my father, he sees me as a pawn in his miniature game of thrones. My half-brother fucking kidnapped me, for goodness sake. The fact remains that the only person who I have ever truly felt loved by is Bucky and he has been lying to me too.

He spends more time with Sam than he does with me now anyway and I feel our special bond slipping away. I’m glad I have Natasha, but our friendship is still new. We bond over work dramas, the gym members who hit on us, and all the normal bullshit. We hang out, but she doesn’t know all the inner workings of my complicated life. The past week I have been a zombie.

I don’t want to speak with anyone. I have stayed at the Maximoff house because being near my parents would only make me more miserable, but I haven’t seen Wanda. I snuck into her room the first night in the wee hours of the morning and she wasn’t there. Her bed was still as I had made it that morning. The second day I text her.

Y/N: Hey? Is everything ok?

But I didn't get a response. That was when I knew that she was avoiding me. There was no alarm in the rest of the family that she was missing or out of touch. It was just me she avoided. Bucky tried to comfort me. He called his cousin all sorts of names and was on my side. But he kept pushing me back towards Pietro. His solution to my heartbreak was for me to throw myself into my sham marriage.

“You’re only saying that because it’s what the Famiglia wants!” I screamed at him. “When did you stop giving a shit about me!”

The guilt on his face told me I was right. He was working toward an agenda, not caring about his oldest friend. Interestingly, Piet has been nice this week. His cheerfulness has been a reprieve from all the angst. He took me out for brunch on the third day and although it was nice, his hand on my lower back as we walked through the cafe felt wrong. He is the only one who seems to get how shit it is to have your life at total mercy to what the Famiglia dictates.

We have bonded over our mutual hatred of the control being exerted over us. Now, it’s six nights since I last saw Wanda and I’ve sent several texts which have all received no response. Miserable, I sneak into her room again. I can’t sleep and pathetically, I think maybe if she still isn’t there, I could just sleep in her bed.

Maybe her scent on her pillows will help me drift off. I pad barefoot down the hallway wearing one of Bucky’s massive t-shirts and slip into Wanda’s room. I pause, allowing my eyes to adjust to the dark room before tip-toeing toward the bed. A dark form lies entangled in the blankets. She is home. She’s here and she didn’t reply to a single text or check I am ok. I want to throw things at her sleeping body. Wake her up with my hurt screams.

But instead, I walk around to the other side of the bed and slip under the covers. I crawl over to her and turn around so my back is to her. I rest my head gently on the bicep of her outstretched arm and she instinctively pulls me in close, curling her body around mine. I loathe how good it feels. My eyes fill with tears and my heart with self-hatred.

“Y/N,” Wanda groans, sleepy and exasperated, a few moments later.

“I hate you,” I reply, my voice thick as I battle the tears threatening to fall.

She is silent for a moment and then sighs. “I know, baby. I hate myself too. Go to sleep.”

And I do. In her arms, I slip into the easiest sleep I have had all week. I know that the morning will bring with it more heartache. She will push me away again. But for now, I feel safe and exactly where I’m meant to be. I wake up before Wanda. She is still wrapped around me, and every fiber of my being cries out for me to burrow deeper into her arms and go back to sleep. Thankfully, I have a tiny bit of self-preservation left, and instead, I gently peel her off me and creep back to my own bed. Sliding into the cold sheets feels like salt in the wounds of the past week, but I do it because I can’t bear the thought of waking alone in her bed again.

[captain-mj]

hi, i’m in desperate need of anything priceghost! my week has been honestly so bad, so i just want to ghost hurting a lil and price helping fix him up. i just love the dynamic that u made with them and the way u write them together

you obviously can just ignore this if you don’t feel like writing or don’t care for it, but have a good day regardless!

Sorry its a bit late, I haven't been in my inbox much lately! Also my internet went out half way through writing it so most of it was written on my phone 😭

Ghost grumbled a little and sighed as he got on the plane. He knew as soon as Nik saw he was hurt he'd report it to Price immediately. No matter how much Ghost told him he was fine. What a snitch.

This time though, he was pretty hurt so he couldn't be too mad at him. Price sounded worried over the comms. His voice felt like a balm though.

The moment he stepped foot on base, Price descended. He pushed Ghost forward, leading him quickly to his room instead of medical.

"You know me so well." The tight grip on his hips made me smile under his mask. "Thank you."

Price shook his head. "You need to be more careful. There's no reason you should've gotten hurt."

Ghost knew he was worried, so he didn't point out that this type of thing is inevitable regardless of how good he is. He also moved... wrong somehow and felt all of the muscles in his thigh ripple with pain from the still aching knife wound so words were escaping him.

Price had him sit on his chair in his office and he knelt down in front of him, helping him to remove his shoes.

"John..." Ghost said softly, feeling strangely out of breath from the short walk. "I can handle it myself."

Price kissed Ghost's uninjured knee and undid his belt. Any other time and Ghost would maybe throw in an inappropriate joke, but something about the way Price's eyebrows were furrowed kept him subdued. Getting his pants off was a humiliating process as now that there was no adrenaline pumping through him, he found it hard to stand up.

He managed. Refusing to just lift his hips and shimmy out of them. His flop back down was less than graceful and hurt but he had a tiny bit of his dignity left.

Price found his emergency med kit, complete with a little bit of bourbon for Ghost to drink instead of pain meds. Ghost didn't like taking them, always worried he'd get addicted, and Price had learned a long time ago that there was no convincing him otherwise.

"Gonna be a good boy for me, right Simon?"

"Fuck off." Ghost growled, feeling a ripple of genuine nausea from the pain run through him. It felt like with every passing moment, it got worse rather than better.

And then aftershave and cigars filled his nose. Stubble pressed against his cheek even through the mask. "Hey, Simon. I got you. Alright?"

Ghost softened. "Yeah. You got me." He rubbed back quietly and his eyes closed.

The routine of stitching his wounds and bandaging him was not something Ghost stayed present for. He tried. Really. If he dissociated too long, Price would get concerned.

Before long, Price’s soft hands were patting his face. “All done.”

Simon pressed into his hands, eyes slowly opening. “John…”

The mask was lifted up and then set to the side. “Hello sunshine.”

He laughed softly and then tilted his head up to kiss John properly. His hands settled on his waist and then he pulled him down with him. They pressed against each other and it felt.. Nice.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Simon.”

[ask-missparker]

—Mockingbird -> Looking Too Closely

- In the universes where she never got her powers and needed to do something to make herself stronger, she didn’t just become The Tempest…but underwent her mentorship of aunt Bobbi Morse—Mockingbird…

-> Amelia ‘Mia’ Morse (Parker)

~~

Instead of facing up to the bad she seen—the betrayal, heartbreak and humiliation—she ran away from them and drowned herself in other water. Drinking, driving and other activities to avoid the storm she was experiencing.

~~~

She reached a point where she realized the booze and heat wasn’t enough. She wanted to do better and fight back, hurting the criminals in the city and fire growing to guard the flames, protecting people from harmful circumstances.

~~~~

And when Bobbi decided to step back for a while, she decided to take the plunge and start a new path.

She did not just being The Tempest.

Becoming a half-time student and working as Mockingbird now.

~~~

“You have a light inside of you, similar to your aunt and a ranging nature that I always had..but at the end of the day, just be yourself.” Arron replied holding her in place.

~~~~~

“If you’re gonna stand there and tell me that I’m not strong enough or tough enough, then please don’t.” Mia added pausing in front of the punching bag.

~~~~~~~

“I was swinging around in the back and saw the spirt you have, this kindness—you use against your foes.” She said looking at Luna as she sat on the couch drinking a cold beer.

~~~~~~~~

Dressed in a skin tight suit and mask if needed on the field. However, black jeans, boots and a gray tight shirt while wearing her classic rings. That’s her go-to outfit of choice. Of course, her earrings and necklaces are a must.

~~~~

This toughness, kindness and compassion behind the facade she built upon her journey. A fierce sweetness and determination towards her loved ones no matters what the outcome.

~~~

“It doesn’t matter how many time you fall on the mat, it matters whether you get up.” Mia replies to Liane with an encouraging gentle smile.

~~~~~

“Sometimes you have to learn to control that anger and suspicion towards a certain point…instead surrender to letting others helping you or them taking the lead…weather you like it or not.” She says to Rick during a group conversation.

~~~

“Look, baby, you convinced yourself that everything you been through took away your humanity.” Mia said looking at Nikolai softly, “But I think because of humanity you made it through.”

Nikolai shook his head gently, “Love, not right now…I already feel bad about myself…”

“You wouldn’t have survived, much less come out the other end a good man, somebody who wants to do good…if you didn’t have a light inside of you.” She replied continuing her words kindly.

He paused hearing that as his expression softened. His light.

~~~~~

Research, weaponry and acrobatics. The basics, as she argues in using her smarts and voice before ever using her fists.

~~~~

When it comes down to it, her family and friends always come first. No matter the cost, she will try and make do with what she’s got to offer a better deal. As long as they’re okay at the end of the day, she’s fine.

~~~~~~~

She’s not afraid to admit when someone is better at something than her and more than willing to allow them to take the lead.

~~~~~

“I’m a hot mess..” She said looking at herself in the mirror.

~~~

Mia will make mistakes, misjudgments, misfires and other things along the way. So you can scream, yell at her and or fight the girl all you want—she will take it with a grain of salt.

Even manipulated into thinking she is making the right decision here.

But do note that she is kicking herself for it, even if it wasn’t her fault.

~~~

At the end of the day she will always be there.

~~

~~~

~~~~

Let me know what you think! Maybe our universe that she doesn’t have her powers or maybe she does? Your choice! 🫵

- @gcthvile @meiramel l l @aidanxsophxoxo @blueboirick @wizzzardofoz z z @finlayholmes @ethan-lensherr @elzabeth-stark k @marvelsfavoriteuncle @sci-fi-lexcon @ask-starrk @therealdaydreamstark @luna-d-marsh @rickb-chaos @the-x-ladiesofnyc @trulysummersprivate @missstrawbs2001 @purpleprincessonfyre

[justmochi]

past lover

pairing :: eden x seokmin

word count :: 1.6k

synopsis :: seokmin tells eden about his dating history

time :: october, 2020

a/n :: so i wanted to be a bit imaginative and try out something new. you know how i write my ocs talking about their dating past but never from her endgames pov so i wanted to test it out. OFC I HAVE NOOOO IDEA about dk's dating history so this is purely fiction!!! have fun reading and lmk what you think c':

taglist :: @cafemilk-tea @cixrosie @moonlight-additions @cosmicwintr @astraw-astro @ateezjuliet @fromfreesia @succulentmom @kimhyejin3108 @enhacolor @multiplums @alixnsuperstxr @meginthebuilding27 @kang-ulzzang @hybesunstone @allthings-fandoms @itzy-eve @choihaneul @strmiu @angie-x3 @Kaitieskidmore1 @evaalopezzzz

“You’ve never told me.” Eden decided to press on. They were a year into their relationship now and there have only been brief mentions about Seokmin’s dating history. He knew so much about her past heartbreak, even tagged along for most of it, but she knew almost nothing of his.

“What?” He turned his head, looking up at her. He lay between her legs, his jacket covering her from touching the grass.

After having dinner, they decided to just walk wherever their feet would take them. They ended up at Han River, having their own patch of grass to themselves and taking in the beauty of the evening. The bridge was so bright and how it shone onto the water was breathtaking. If they had known they would’ve ended up here, they would have packed a basket fit for a picnic.

She squeezed her arms tighter around him, removing her attention from the people passing by to him. A curve tugged on her lips, leaning down to press her forehead to his. “You’ve never told me about her. The special girl.”

He scoffed, looking forward again and folding his hands over his stomach. She could feel him tense under her touch.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just curious is all. You’ve seen me at my ugliest moments and I wouldn’t mind knowing about the lucky girl who brought you to me.” She stops for a moment, rearranging her words. “Well actually, that would make her unlucky because she’s missing out on a wonder of a boy.”

He chuckled nervously, bringing one of his hands up to tap along her wrist. “I don’t think she really sees herself as lucky.”

“That’s impossible. Anyone would be so lucky to be loved by you.” She couldn’t see his face, but she knew he mustered up even the slightest smile. “Tell me. I’d love to know.”

He took in a deep breath, shifting underneath her as his butt grew numb after being in contact with the hard ground for too long. Not even the jacket was a good enough cushion for them. “I met her in 2017. We were having a company dinner and she was one of the waitresses. I could tell she was from my hometown from her dialect, so that made her all the more interesting to me.”

“Ooh, so she was from your hometown.” Eden showed she was interested. However, knowing that another girl had his heart before her made her a bit jealous. She tried not to harbor too many bad feelings toward the girl because she was fortunate enough to have scored Seokmin. It didn’t matter though because he was hers now.

“Yep. That was enough to draw me in.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt, Continue.” She patted his chest, rocking them back and forth gently.

He cleared his throat, smiling. “I decided to shoot my shot. Live on the edge for once. God, I humiliated myself just by asking for her number. She was three years older than me. She was about to become a teacher too. After a week of talking, I was really naive and fell hard. And a month later I decided to open my heart to her. I wanted to give her my love, my support, my patience. I wanted to give her my heart. I really would’ve handed my heart to anyone during that time. I didn’t care about the consequences as long as I had someone to call mine.”

She gripped him tighter, resting her chin on top of his head as she listened. By the way he was talking, he was going to suffer a heartbreak like hers. And that thought killed her.

“She was just getting out of a relationship that broke her heart. That should have been my first sign. But I wanted to help her heal by showing her that I had so much more to offer. So we started dating. I was patient throughout our whole relationship but it felt weird. She was always emotionally unavailable and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. She wasn’t mean or jealous or whatever normal couples go through these days. It wasn’t loveless because I did love her, but it wasn’t mutual. And I could feel her try to reciprocate my feelings at times but she wasn’t a good liar.

“She got busy. I had assumed it was because she just started teaching. I was right in some sense. We had schedules so I got busy too. I didn’t know how to tell her that I wanted to take a break. I thought I was a coward for wanting to take a break, but I didn’t want us to drift apart like everyone else. But then she beat me to it and said her ex wanted to get back together with her and she was going to do it. And she did it all over text.”

Eden didn’t even realize she was crying. Not until the tears fell off her face and onto his hair. He looked up to make sure it wasn’t raining. When he saw her glassy eyes, he quickly broke free of her arms and onto his knees.

“Hey, don’t cry!” His features softened as he cupped her cheeks, wiping the tears away. “This is my heartbreak. Not yours.”

“I’m sorry,” She blinked away the tears, bringing her hands up and resting them over his. “I just- I wasn’t expecting this.”

It was hard to imagine him loving anyone before her. But he did and she didn’t feel the same way about him. The thought of someone like Seokmin having so much love in him that he wanted to share it with another person. And they took advantage of it. He wanted it to so desperately work out but she betrayed his love.

“It’s okay, E. Really. I’m fine now.” He kissed her forehead. “I was sad and heartbroken. It hurt a lot after we broke up but I know my worth and heart now. The right person would come around eventually.” He found her gaze, smiling as their eyes met. “And you did.”

Eden smiled, shaking her head as she sniffled. “I did.”

“Yes, you did.” He sat flat on his bottom again, letting go of her face and finding her hands. He squeezed them firmly. “We had been broken up for a few months when I met you. And that night when you had told me your name and we both knew who each other was, I felt whole again. I fell for you in no time but you were unavailable and so I dealt with it. I kept everything to myself because I didn’t want to mess up what we had. It was the most precious thing I’ve had in my life. I wasn’t going to overwhelm you when everything was still so fresh for you. I wouldn’t make the same mistake. Keeping you close as a friend was better than not having you at all.”

She leaned forward, her head pressing into his chest. “I just- I can’t wrap my head around someone hurting you. The thought of you being hurt like that, I hate it.” She groaned, getting over her tears and only feeling anger towards the girl. “You’re the sweetest person I know. How could anyone stand to live with themselves if they hurt you?”

He let out a soft, quiet laugh as he placed his hands on her arms, rubbing up and down. “I can't hate her for breaking my heart. It could have been much worse. It taught me a lot of things.”

She raised her head, wiping her tears and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. “Well, I do. She’s gonna find out everything she’s missing out on and it’s gonna be too late for her.”

The wind picked up, blowing against their cheeks as Seokmin snorted. He brushed her hair out of her face, closing in to give her a kiss on the nose. “You’re cute, you know that?”

She rolled her eyes, leaning in to give him a long kiss on the lips. When she pulled away, she caressed his cheeks with her hands, making sure his gaze was on her. “Whoever she is, I hate her but I also thank her. No one loves like you do and that is her loss. She will get her heart broken again and realize just how lucky she was to have been with you.”

The blood rushed to his cheeks, trying not to stray away from her eyes but he couldn’t help it without how flustered he became.

She smiled but gained her serious expression again, pressing her thumb to his mole. “But now you’re mine. And I am never going to let you go.”

He rested his palms on her neck, eyes falling to her lips as the corners of his curved upwards. “Good. Because you’re stuck with me.” He tips his head forward, capturing her lips and tasting the faint saltiness of her past tears.

She kisses him back, hands falling down and pressing against his chest. Their surroundings were blurred out. There were few people around them but they couldn't care about whoever saw them. All that mattered was them. 

When they finally pulled away to catch their breaths, Eden pressed her forehead to his, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. But now you’re with me and I’m gonna love you like you deserve. You’re never getting rid of me, Lee Seokmin.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[kalideshawnwrites]

Double P

Warnings: NSFW 18+, dirty talk, fingering, eating pussy & ass (her receiving), spanking, giving head (him receiving)

Words: 1400+

a/n: there will be a part 3.

Part 1

“So in your previous experience, was there any conflict? Is there anything I should keep in mind?” I figured since Malik was more experienced than I and seemed open, I asked just to ensure I was seeing all angles of this proposition. Tasha’s focus was just on the double dose of dick she would feel. She even let me know they texted a little bit back and forth with her requesting a pic of his stiff dick. I didn’t care to see the picture, but she simply said, “He has my approval.”

As long as he passed the ‘Tasha Test’, then I’m good. 

“I would suggest you tell me what your limits are before we have this session. The last 3sum I had, everybody interacted with each other.”

“By interacted, you mean-“ I quizzed for clarity.

“I mean that I got head from both parties, my girl and the dude we invited to our bed. If I had to label myself, I would say I am bi.”

Although this was not something I expected, it’s not enough for me to back out, “I see.”

“So that we’re clear, tonight is about your girl. I will maintain my focus on her and if you’ll allow me, guarantee that she enjoys herself.”

“That’s all I want.”

“Cool. Are you opposed to us kissing? Me eating her… or anything sensual.. or intimate if you will.”

“I’m not opposed. She and I spoke about it. Her only limit is that you cannot nut inside of her.”

“How do you feel about any BDSM work?”

“She’s used to ass smacking, choking and degradation. I’m comfortable with the first two but I’d prefer no humiliation on your part.”

“That’s fair. This isn’t that type of situation. Does she have any nicknames? She like to be called something during sex?”

“She likes being called baby girl, mama, pretty girl and love.”

“Do you mind if I call her any of these names?”

“Naw, I’m sure it will heighten her experience. She has a praise kink bad.” 

“Aight, I can work with that. Is there anything you need from me?”

“Just make her night memorable. Don’t interact with her outside of that night unless she reaches out to you for a follow up.”

“No problem, see you then.”

-

Our “we fuckin tonight” playlist shuffled in the background as I poured 3 glasses of Rosé and handed Tasha hers. She accepted it and sat on the edge of the bed. Crossing one long, shiny, too-soft leg over the other, she watched Malik and I stand allowing the Rosé to ease some of the tension in our bodies. Maybe I should speak for myself.

He seems fine.

I wouldn’t name my emotion anxiety, but it was definitely the feeling of bracing myself for the unknown.

Malik and I agreed that I would sit and watch for the first few minutes so Tasha could get used to his touch. Seated in one of the white sofa chairs facing the bed, I sampled another taste from my glass as I watched them share a kiss. Malik placed Tasha’s flute on the nite stand before instructing her: “Lay back beautiful, let me look at you.”

She stretched out sideways on the bed not to obstruct my view. “So fucking beautiful, how did I get so lucky to be in your presence?”

A very giggly Tasha smiles from ear to ear, “I’m glad you recognize that this is a privilege.”

Malik wasted no time removing his shirt and white undershirt leaving a cuban link choker and a hard earned physique for Tasha to lust after.

Bending her legs, spreading wide, she displayed her appreciation by rubbing her pink almond shaped nails overtop her lace covered pussy.

With low, hooded eyes, she summoned Malik to come close. A good follower of instruction, he took Tasha’s left leg and planted kisses from ankle to thigh crease.

She fixed her heavenly gaze on me mouthing, “I love you.” 

“I love you too baby.” Sincerity in my eyes, I watched hers roll to the back of her head as Malik began munching on that fat pussy while gripping her thighs. 

“Ah, fuck.” Whimpering from anticipation, Tasha leaned up to look down at this visitor sampling a fresh plate of sweet a la pussy. 

They shared glances between his focus on her lips that now peaked through the fabric. 

“Fuck! Girl, you taste too good. Can I take this off of you love?”

Tasha motioned to pull the slender straps from her shoulders halting at the fresh breeze on her now bare skin. Malik ripped the crotch of her body suit in one gesture not allowing another second to keep him from having his fill. It was show time and he was the main event, invited for a one night only performance. Legs wrapped around his fresh cut, Tasha cried with every pass of his pointed tongue on her swollen nub. 

My glass of Rosé was empty and my dick as full of blood. I never would’ve imagined the pleasure I’d feel from watching another man eat my girl like a cupcake. With a pass from a familiar feel, I stroked my dick releasing him from my zipper and briefs. Mama could make me cum from her cries alone and tonight was no different, even if I am not the one currently pulling those melodies from her body. 

“Goddamn baby. Eat me… eat me.” Tears streamed from her eyes causing a feral reaction from me. Mama reached her hand in my direction and I ambled over, kneeling near her head, checking in, “Tell me how you feel so far ma.”

“I.. I-“ she made incoherent noises as her first orgasm of the night washed over her. She and I both watched Malik peer back at us as he rapidly pistoned his fingers in and out of her loud, gushy canal. 

We coached her in tandem:

Malik: “That’s right mama.”

Me: “What a good girl letting go like that.”

Malik: “Fuck, you still goin pretty girl? I’ve never tasted anything this good.”

Me: “You gon get this nigga hooked Tash. You see his face baby, it’s covered.”

Malik: “I would drown in this pussy a thousand times.”

Me: “I would die with this nigga if I could taste it on my lips before my heart stopped.”

Tasha lost her senses for a second. Briefly shaking from the loss of fluid and the welcome of praise. She came to from the light fan of my breath, our eyes meeting, my obsidian to her chestnut. She puckered her lips and I obliged. Tongues fighting for dominance, she whispered in between the twists of our tongues, “I need to feel you. Please…”

“Do you think you’re ready for us both?” She nodded, her eyes filled with delirium and desperation, brows knitted together.

I know that look.

Mama is on another level of horny and needs to be stuffed immediately.

I kicked off my shoes pulling my shirt over my head eyeing the new bottle of Glide on the nightstand closest to Malik. 

“Sit up pretty girl. Let me take this off of you.” Tash raised her arms as I pulled the body suit over her thick, disheveled tresses. She looked the most beautiful when she was needy. 

“Mama can you give daddy some throat before we give you want you want?”

“Yes, daddy. Where do you want it?.” 

I backed into my original spot on the sofa chair.

Tasha went to work pulling me further and further into a slump. Seated on the very edge with her non existent gag reflect bringing me to the brink, Malik stood to the side lashing smack after smack to that ample ass. 

I caressed her face to confuse her senses. “What a good fucking girl. You giving me this good neck while he punishes that fat ass.”

“Bro, she dripping.” Malik smirks. After the 5th smack, he rubbed over his work. My baby mascara is running down her face, lips swollen. 

“I’m almost there-“ Tasha abruptly sat up from Malik pulling each cheek apart and burying his face. 

Grabbing my love by the throat, I remind her that her job is not done. 

She snapped back to me, gobbling up this dick with the same ferocity from before. I dug my heels into the carpet allowing the energy to build beneath my abs. 

“Oh shit girl. Ugh, yes, swipe my balls with that wet tongue.”

“Daddy’s almost there mama. You take me so well baby. I know that throat has to be sore. I know it. I’m about to… I’m.” Tasha took receipt of everything I offered. Sucking me dry, she kept those doe eyes on me relishing in her current control of the situation. It would be the only control over anything she had tonight.

Feeling empty, my body proved otherwise. My dick was still hefty, too ready to feel her snug pussy swallow me. 

Part 3 coming soon. 

[rosyk]

Seven in Silence

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: heavy angst, romance, slight thriller, passion

warnings: family problems, anxiety, separation issues, depression, and light curses

word count: 17.1k

a/n: Hello everyone! I came back from the dead lol. This was not proofread but also the most interesting story I've handled because I wrote the first part two years ago and continued it this year. I really enjoyed how this one ended up and I hope you do too <3 (also any feedback regarding the way I changed [name] to y/n instead cause others seemed to be enjoying it better; what do you think?)

There I was again, planning to do the usual routine even at my best friend’s wedding. Right, I was supposed to be happily crying for her but today seemed off. The tears overflowing as I faced the mirror in the women’s restroom, burns my cheeks and sore my eyes. It hurts so bad but it isn’t as if that wasn’t my everyday lifestyle. I cried after knowing I had another day to suffer and wept in my sleepless nights. Common breakdowns, that’s it. I take this as something unacceptable though especially in the time my partner in crime would be off in her white dress. I should be in joy, rather than make her feel bad.

I sniffed and wiped away my tears. I pulled out a foundation on my favorite sling bag and placed it on my face to cover up the marks under my eyes. As I was about to leave, I hesitated twisting the doorknob. “Great” I sighed after remembering. I am not on good terms with some people she’s friends with, but I don’t want to break it to her. I shook all the thoughts away and took a deep breath to prepare myself. Opening the door, my first steps were something I was proud of. 

Heading to the same table as they are, they greeted me with smiles. What I meant by that was ‘humiliating grins’. I despised it but I should make sure I wouldn’t cause another ruckus. 

“Anyone with you?” Emily, the girl who mocked me in class way back in high school, decided to speak up. The remaining girl fake gasped and her eyes widened in false concern. “Sorry, shouldn’t have talked about it” smugly, she remarked. 

They know well that my best friend is the only one I could count on. After my image was broken due to them setting me up, she’s the only one who accepted me at my worst. It still pains me that after this reception, I’d be all alone once again. 

Without letting them recognize the effect they’ve placed on me, I gave a slight smile that remains unnoticeable and replied “It’s fine. I went here alone, and it doesn’t matter”. I let it off with a slight chuckle to make it appear as a joke but they understood the context in which her group rolled their eyes and some scoffed. Reminiscing the memories, I saw her crying to death when she couldn’t be accepted in their ‘sorority’. She couldn’t live without having someone by her side, but I could; that’s the difference I wanted to say. 

Hearing the host clearing his throat, we were brought back to reality and faced him. He started with opening remarks that took too long for me to struggle to keep my tears back on my eyes. Swiftly acting as if I was admiring the place, I looked up and around the venue for a short while for it not to appear so obvious. 

Hours came by and yes, she was married and it was a mission accomplished. Her partner or now known as her husband is a lucky guy to be able to live with Yuna throughout her life. Everyone needs a Yuna; I’m so happy for her but now that I can’t be that free in communicating with her as she had other duties as a wife, seemed to be a problem for me.

It was just us in a cafe right now to celebrate, like what her friends claimed to say. Awful, suffocating, I was so out of place because I never was in their group. Not that I would want to anyway.

Every time they’d joke, I forced a slight chuckle as if I was amused with everything they said. Yuna, who is quite naive, was really happy because I get to enjoy myself with them. Her friends, on the other hand, raised their eyebrows at me and tried to hold in their laughter because they intended to make an inside joke I’ve never heard of. My pride sank but all I could do was smile.

The room was filled with loud chatters, contrastingly, I sighed mentally. It was a crowded room but I felt lonely somehow. I’m convinced it reassured me that I would have to be alone at the end of the day, and it’s not helping me get over it. The walls continued to scream insecurities and insincerities. 

Thus to distract myself, I shifted my eyes and it landed on a tall man in the window, just right after a couple finished eating and left it vacant. The atmosphere was pretty awkward after realizing his eyes reached mines. It took seconds until Yuna waved her hand in front, causing me to flinch a bit. 

“Hey, are you on the same planet as me? What are you spacing out for?” She continued and exhaled deeply. I blinked my eyes and finally registered the sequence of events after a few minutes. The others started to laugh and commented about how funny I was, which was an act of sarcasm to continue their process of humiliating me in subtle ways.

“Are you desperate to the point that you’re seeing things?” Regine, Emily’s sidekick, boldly opened the discussion even in front of Yuna. 

My best friend, of course, was left surprised and scolded her. “Gina!” she whisper-yelled and her eyebrows furrowed as a sign that she was disturbed by it. She started patting my back and I appreciated that she tried to console me somehow; even though it had hurt me more than enough. 

“What? Even we’re curious!” They laughed in unison except for Yuna. My partner in crime didn’t know about my discomfort but she got the hint that they were used to talking bad about me. She was exasperated due to the reason that it was hard to believe. After all, I seemed ‘close’ with her group.

It did create a sting in my heart and indeed I thought of it. Was it my hallucination? But all I could focus on was the blonde’s eyes who seemed to know me so well. Yes, it was impossible, even I think I was going crazy. I wasn’t able to identify his face. If a handsome, perfect guy was to come my way, is it logical to comprehend that I’d forget him? Definitely not. I didn’t know what hit me; is it my drive of finding another friend who’ll love me even after being the worst? Was it guilt? I’m not too sure myself but his eyes held meaning. It was like he asked the same question as I did a while ago; have we met?

My gut tells me to follow after him and my curiosity cheered me on. “I’m excusing myself” I didn’t look back and quickly took my sling bag with me and left. My white flowy dress blew up a bit but dropped as soon as I placed my bag on me. I ran and heard Yuna calling me out and it’s conclusive that the remaining felt like they’ve won because my best friend shouted furiously at them. Though I didn’t care as I was fixated with the guy. There’s something about him. 

Except he wasn’t in the same place anymore. Scanning the area, I looked at the slim streets in front. “He doesn’t seem to be there as well,” I thought. I heard footsteps coming from my side and warily turned around. 

“Young missy?” He was there. Across the street, his silhouette starts to make its way to me. As soon as he saw my face, he brought up his camera and a flash blinded my eye. That strained a bit and so I winced. I blinked both of my eyes slowly to get rid of the slight feeling that makes me want to puke. The flash affected me but all he did was chuckle and so I glared at him. He then noticed I was ready to place him on his grave so he lifted both of his hands as an indication of surrender. 

“I thought I was in heaven for a moment” I raised one of my eyebrows and bit my cheek in frustration. Call me childish and overreacting, it could affect my eyesight badly and I’m worried about that. Plus, it stings like hell. 

The man could only laugh, in which I thought he was slightly guilty about it until he replied “I wouldn’t blame you after seeing such a figure of mine. I hear that compliment all the time”. I looked up to him in confusion and hoped he got the signal. I expected him to be embarrassed after my expression but he decided to continue. “Better start kneeling and praying!” he sang playfully and lifted one of his fingers to point at each side.

It was lame but I got the gist of it. I stared in pure disgust and rolled my eyes after seeing him tilt his head, suggesting something. Acting as if I could shrug it off, I raised my hand and waved it against the air despite my hidden blush. No one dared to hit me up, so I did sense my legs weakening but balled fists who is tempted to give that smug look an uppercut. “Cut to the chase.” 

His eyes seemed to widen but narrowed soon after. He was listening and interested, that if my interpretation was right. He started to cross his arms and nodded as a signal to let me continue what I’m trying to say.

I was enveloped with embarrassment rather than this shameless guy. I gulped and pointed at him to which he responded with a sound that indicates a question. “You know me”, I bravely stated.

We stared at each other for minutes and each second makes me consider running or hoping I would be swallowed by the ground this instant. After the eyeing, he cracked up and held his stomach. “I know you?” Tears were forming in his eyes due to his uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to dissolve at the exact moment he calmed down but he cackled after because it makes my idea appear insane. But I mean, yes, it did sound like I was mental but why did he make it look like he knows me then? Why did he smile as if he wanted to start a conversation?

“Your eyes say so” I shot in another response and thankfully, he decided to settle down. The volume of his laughs was gradually decreasing so I had the opportunity to get over the shame I’ve felt. But this guy was up to no good.

He started to move towards me and I was crept out, stepping back slowly. He looked serious and stern, I was left shocked by his new demeanor. I bit my lip as I try to stand still and act unbothered due to our closeness. Our chests were pressed together and he bent down to my eye level. Nearer and nearer, he reached for my ear. “That’s love at first sight, darling”

And that was my limit. I kneed a stranger in between his thighs, really hard. 

He let out a yell and bent down due to the unmanageable pain he felt. I backed down a bit and showed my palms. Great, now I am seen as more than crazy. I claimed that he knew me when I can’t even remember his name and physically hurt him. 

“What the hell was that for?!” he exclaimed and by the look of it, I knew he was asking for the reason when he didn’t assault me or made any of my body parts bleed. Instincts wouldn’t be the right reason for that question as well, it seemed to be more of an excuse. 

“Well I just thought-” 

“For heaven’s sake! I may be a flirt, but I don’t take advantage of people. How daring of you to judge that fast” He scoffed and was certainly offended over the matter considering how he emphasized the word ‘that’. I was out of appropriate words that I could freely share. I wasn’t fond of guys much especially when they go near me. Let’s say it was an impulse. 

There may be something more to it, precisely why he had thought that way but I didn’t want to dig deeper about it and act more all-knowing than I already am. I pissed off a stranger’s ego, causing him to leave and walk away.

“Um...Hey!” I desperately tried to catch up to him because maybe, just maybe, did I actually feel a bit bad about it. It’s odd with the high pride that makes me never back down from something even I knew was wrong, to admit and feel guilty. I bit my lip and inhaled deeply as I hoped he would turn around and hear me out. I wanted to shout his name aloud and catch his attention but I recalled I didn’t get to know his name. He called me young miss,  so unintentionally, I did the same in a gender that matches his. “M-mister!” 

Watching from behind, he places his camera inside his side bag and inserts both of his hands on the pocket after wearing his earphones. Acting like he didn’t hear anyone, he walked away in a chill posture. 

My heels were clicking and red marks were all over my ankles. Crouching down as I leaned my weight on hands that were on top of my knees, I tried to catch my breath. I have frequent anger issues so instead of feeling sorry, I felt more annoyed than him. The man in a tux was stubborn and straight out ill-mannered with his impolite, vulgar words which show discourteous actions. I wasn’t judging, he had the personality of doing immoral things based on his dirty jokes. In short, he was angry for being who he actually was.

“Ugh whatever, who cares? It’s not like I’ll see him again” And with that, I rode a cab back to my apartment and decided to leave all my worries aside.

{MONDAY}

Disastrous. I believe that is what’s going to happen after a few more hours. If anyone of you is wondering what happened last night, let me elaborate. 

After riding a cab home in the afternoon, it all started with my other internet friend, Lia. She is sweet and looked innocent but is very outgoing at times. We knew each other on discord by secretly stanning this billboard hit group, Stray Kids and so we decided to meet up. I thought it was a bad idea because it felt like things would go wrong especially when my mom told me not to trust anyone on the internet. Turned out, we had so much fun.

Now back to the story, Lia called me out of the blue and it was the last thing I needed after meeting with ‘mister’. I didn’t want to turn her down though, so I answered. I should’ve known that she would put me in a blind date as usual. I almost had forgotten about that after several months of not seeing her. She insisted I go just for the reason of having her boyfriend by herself. That was when I realized it was her partner’s closest friend. If any, I should be scared because if it doesn’t work out well, or maybe once my mood swings struck again, it would affect their relationship. 

So here I am on a plain cafè I randomly picked out because he seemed uninterested. It had been 3 hours and observing the place, it doesn’t look like he is present nor on his way. Will he ditch me? maybe? probably? very? hell yes. 

The universe is absolutely trying its best to let it seep into my mind that no one would love or find me attractive. Amongst all my 35 dates this year, everyone had my hopes up but leaves me in the dust soon after. It’s not that I expected him to date me because I’m used to getting turned down all the time, I thought he would’ve at least showed up. 

4 hours passed by and it’s obvious he won’t be arriving. The moment I stood up to leave, I saw a familiar guy in sight; the man in tux. At least, he isn’t a stranger anymore but I wasn’t eager to see him. In fact, I never wanted him in my way or my vision. I had this bad image when it comes to him and it’s enough to make me cover myself up by turning around. There’s no use though, his eyes were quick to catch mines. I could hear footsteps coming and it’s making me lose myself. My head was in the opposite direction in which he couldn’t see me and I closed my eyes strongly, hoping a miracle would happen. 

step. ‘Oh no, what am I going to say when he arrives?’

step. ‘goodness gracious. God pick me up’

step. ‘Isn’t he going to stop?’

step. ‘Damn, I’d rather be spending my whole life with those 3 mean girls than seeing him’

step. ‘send me back to hell, he’s getting close’

step. ‘and closer’

step. ‘I could hear his breath but please don’t say anything

step. ‘Not a word stranger, please’

“Hey?” 

“Asshole”

My eyes widened in surprise due to my unintended murmur and I quickly turned around to face him. He put on the same reaction I had. Panicking, I covered up my mouth with my shaky hands. “I am- oh my god.... I’m so sorry” I ran my hands through my face aggressively and exhaled sharply. “i-it just came out” my voice was low enough to be heard as I wallowed myself up in mortification. 

I then listened to the sound of the chair squeaking a bit, being dragged for the man to sit down. He sat in front of me and was willing to talk about things. Incredible, how more magnificent could my day be after being turned down and the guy who knew about it thought of me as someone crazy. “I’m hopelessly horrid, aren’t I?” I refused to look until I heard him let out the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard. 

“still can’t get over yesterday?” he asked while placing his hand to let his head rest on it. I slowly lifted my head and gave another sigh that made him respond in a chuckle. Tugging my hair and looking at him with apologetic eyes, I do hope he understood I’m sincere about this.

“it’s just- I misunderstood things and offended you.... I am uncomfortable with guys plus something just happened that day that- yea...” I couldn’t sort out everything I wanted to say so I shifted my eyes to the side. Realizing I was close to crying in remorse and chagrin, I sniffed. After all, even though I looked like someone who seemed immature and doesn’t give a crap about everyone else, I was still a sensitive woman who just lost people and doesn’t want to make herself look more rotten and depressing than she already is. I needed friends but now that I have this ‘judgmental’ impression from the man, how can I have more people I could rely on? It’s also not him I’m in deep concern of, but other strangers who thought of me the same way he did. What if I was unintentionally rude to some? Dear me, I’m such a mess.

He must’ve noticed the teeny drops in my eyes that soon overflowed as I lifted my head, demanding the discreet tears to fall back in its cage. But it was to no use; he solved my puzzle way faster than anyone else who tried to have a gist of my life. It was a bittersweet feeling that arose my mind and touched my heart. Finally needing no words spoken, he knew what was lying behind the facade I was trying to pull dreadfully to save the only thing I have with me, my pride. Simultaneously, I loathe the idea of having a stranger identify my agony rather than those I trust which makes me come across conclusions that I was an open book or my friend was just gullible. I neither liked any of the conclusions stated so my mind ran off to hating him. 

“Must’ve been hard...” Inhaling torment and breathing out pity, he thought of words that could ease my ache. I didn’t need his comfort charity but if I were somebody else who’d stare at me, the same thought comes up and I despised it. From the bottom of my heart, I meant every word I said. This is why I don’t open up discussions regarding my life, it makes everyone look down on me “Luckily, I’m still here. I’m quite the social butterfly and we fit don’t you think?” a subtle pout showed up in his lips but the right corner rose, making it look like a kittenish smile. I was not surprised though if we talk about this man, he’s always the ‘playful’ type. Taking his words literally, I interrupted.

“Because you’re the open type who have many friends but I was the unfortunate lonely lass? Opposite attract. Yeah right, such great chemistry” Bitterly, I spat those words like poison and rolled my eyes. Crossing my arms and huffed, ‘an indirect jerk’ I thought.

His hands shook in the air and his eyes started to panic to refuse my statement. He did think of it but I do know it was unintentional. Still, it just meant he pitied me a few minutes ago. “N-no! Of course not!” He tried to explain.

Even I can’t decipher my complicated moods but him trying his best to clarify for the whole 20 minutes quite had an effect on me. Chuckling in a low volume in which he instantly noted, I still bothered to hide my smile by placing my palm to cover my lips. His face turned smug and teasing, and I knew what he meant so I rolled my eyes and denied it by shaking my head but now in a humorous intention.

“You laughed” His eyes grew wide, making me resist those dark brown eyes. It made me lost in track for a moment but good for me, he wasn’t quick enough to notice that. It wasn’t a lie after all when he said he received such compliments of him being so heavenly; I was indeed in heaven after having a glimpse of him.

Before I could further analyze anything and start being creepy, I coughed to distract myself and responded to him lazily. “What? Don’t people laugh?”

He raised his hand just enough for the waiter to see and proceed heading to our table. I’ve thought of denying his offer but since he had already called on, it was fine anyway. What’s the worse that could happen?

“one iced americano” he didn’t even take time to read the menu and passed it on to me. Noticing my look in confusion, he asked as if I was judging him again “What?”

“Really?” My tone dropped and sarcastically asked. “just an espresso please. Thank you” quickly scanning over the menu and told the the waiter my order, the man went back and did his job. I faced back to the guy in a tux and my expression changed as fast.  “An iced americano after it’s literally freezing outside?” His shoulders rose up and down to shrug but I could only chuckle in his mere response.

“Excuse me? I like Americano! chowa chowa~” We both sang in unison, cringing, though his eyes went larger as mine grew narrow because of the grin plastered on my face. 

“Wah! That was scary, how did you know that?”  that hit me in an effect different from what I wanted but honestly, the mood was a bit lighter than my experience in the past. 

“Someone never failed to tell me that every day” with a sigh, I placed my head at the top my palm and smiled to myself. Oh, how I missed to hear those words again. 

“May I know who?” He seemed enthusiastic considering the way he scooted closer comfortably. I knew I couldn’t get away with this kind of curiosity because he didn’t flinch a little when I gave him that oh-how-nosy-of-you look as if he stepped within the boundaries.

“I don’t know. I just know I talked to that someone.” 

Confusion filled the loudest silence and I wondered what was wrong with what I said. Pretty sure some people don’t know all the details in their life right? Is it needed to learn this kind of information? He froze with mouth agape and I blinked, hoping he’d get back to his senses. It scared me as I looked back to everything that happened. I felt guilty, what for?

“Are you dumb?” he deadpanned looked at me and thought as if that was the lamest joke he had ever heard. Unfortunately, everything was real. I mirrored his emotions causing him to stutter all over.  “I- what? Are you naive or were your memories taken away?!” He gasped so dramatically, not that I expected him not to. 

“Idiot, if my memories were taken away, I would’ve known.” I lift my upper lip and stared at him in disbelief. 

He cackled in response with his usual endearing laugh. “How would you know then if your memories were taken away?” Mimicking a cry, he can’t still hold his laughter back. Much more after I froze and let out a small ‘oh’ in realization. It gradually faded off and he flicked my forehead. “Idiot” he retorted my smug reply a while ago which made me scrunch my nose whilst leaving a playful pout, screaming the words ‘unfair’. “Cute” he mumbled lowly after seeing my face and it did made me look away for him not to notice the blush. He did though, my ears were beet red so he beamed a smile that I was only able to see in my peripheral vision. I didn’t take a peek of his whole look but I know I couldn’t resist to THAT.

As if the timing was perfect, the waiter came in with our little drinks that he decided to pay. We had quarrel over the payment that went on for almost 5 minutes. The waiter watched awkwardly and ended up receiving his instead of mines. While drinking each of our drinks, he opened up the conversation first.

“It’s unusual for you to” I placed my cup after his abrupt statement and tilted my head, asking him to go on.

“to what?”

“Well you know...” contemplating about his thoughts, he tried to sip on my drink to which I swatted away his hand. I raised my eyebrow in a bubbly manner and told him to quit around playing. “you smiling, it’s rare to see so” he brushed his hand dramatically as if he felt immense pain and replied.

“You don’t even know me?” I chortled at my comeback, twisting his words right back at him. The atmosphere was still friendly but the mood? Suddenly shifted into something serious I surrendered myself in the control I was striving to put up.

“I do know you”

I know it was meant as a joke but I’d like to believe half of it was directly true. Those eyes that pierced right through me once again had some sense of familiarity and belongingness. It’s as if I fled away from reality because everything was turning their backs on me, but he felt like home. It’s as if everything turned monotone but he was my only hope. It’s as if I used to ignore everyone but something makes me cling unto him. It’s as if I knew him but at the same time, I don’t. Was my misery too loud that it reached the heavens and pushed me into insanity? Or was he indeed someone I met? The presence reached through me even when he’s just staring. If I was asked just by the feeling of his existence, I know him, a hundred percent with no doubts. But in general? His physique and he in a tux were something new that made me convince myself he was a total stranger. Still, the thought itself isn’t as easy to shrug as it seemed. I would recklessly gaze into those eyes forever without knowing why. 

“There you are again” Clicking my tongue, I began to bounce back to earth. I tapped my fingers to a fast and mischievous rhythm to make it seem I was angry. He laid on his back, pressing on the chair to be in a comfortable position which I found creepily attractive. “Those eyes!” I pointed my fingers at his deep gaze that turned into a startled expression. ‘He thinks I’m a joke’, I thought. It wasn’t enough to get me riled up on my nerves though because if I was in his position, who wouldn’t think I was lowkey a bad flirt?

“So what should I do to stop your gawking? Close my eyes?”

“Much better” Favorably, this man doesn’t seem as bad as I thought he would be. He knows how to take a joke and accepts every word I say, whether it may be surprisingly good or blatantly messed up. Maybe we did just meet at the wrong step of the time. 

{TUESDAY}

“So how did the date go?” I groaned just after hearing my thousandth time being dumped, probably. 

Lia had the courage to call me and talk about it.  I’m sure she was hoping my ’supposed to be date’ at least liked me, which was so opposite, and in no terms do I want to see him again. We were too relaxed with Lia so everything I say, even though I tend to be mean, she knew it was a flaw in my personality that couldn’t be fixed. In fact, she was kind of fascinated with how I looked so innocent and honorable but has a hidden persona of aggressiveness behind the public. 

“Bloody hell, may the paradise sue me for what I will do shortly. Some witch needs an update.” I breathily recited my ‘chant’ to which she laughed so loud it could burst my ears and wake up my neighbors. I wasn’t on speaker, what would happen if I did?

“such a virago, bae!” I could just imagine her fanning her hands behind the phone with a teasing smile, mixed with nervousness. I heard her boyfriend’s voice along with Tienne, her partner’s younger sister. She was my favorite one so I decided to force her in turning on the video call.

As soon as she did, the young cute girl’s face lit up on my screen and I almost yell out a squeal. Lia knew damn well I love Tienne which is why she’d let her kid handle it.

“I missed you!” The 7-year-old fake cried which caused me to forget about my bad day and chuckle. She was playing with her usual favorite t-rex and a barbie, saying how barbie made the dinosaurs extinct using her big dream house car that brought pollution. This was so random and I honestly don’t know where she got such ideas. The most disturbing one so far was how she stated that dora was such a pick me and who acted blind because it was quirky. Kids weren’t supposed to know that, right?

“I missed you too, baby Tintin!” She isn’t a baby and in fact hates it when people calls her young, except for me though. I’m her favorite because I’m always with her when her so called parents are trying to have a date. Not that I would complain, I enjoy being with this lass.

The boyfriend arrived with an Oreo in hand as he waved after seeing me.

“Hey, hey shortcake. Long time no see!” He was in his usual long brown coat paired with a white polo, rolled-up sleeves and brown loose pants. Taking off the glasses he wore, he approached Tienne and smiled through the screen.

“Looks like the giant is dressed-up. How big of an effect Lia had on you for you to bother wearing such ‘boyfriend’ material outfit?” I rolled my eyes and he laughed once again, remembering high school days where I used to force him to wear decent clothings that doesn’t make him look like a rebel.

He groaned while smiling, partially tired at the fact that he had repeated the words that’ll come out of his mouth over several months. “Big time. I really love that woman” His eyes showed sincerities despite the joke I just gave. This blue haired guy does seriously love her.

I bitterly smiled and my hands twitched a bit after seeing such view. Of course he was my long time best friend, he knows what I’m feeling. Not missing an opportunity, he looked back at the screen and raised an eyebrow. “Jealous, aren’t we?” 

At that very moment, I did want to punch him through the screen. “Well at least tell your friend to show up before rejecting a girl he hasn’t seen yet” The boy seemed so amused in response that tears were coming out due to his uncontrollable laughter. 

“I showed him a picture of you before the blind date” and oh, was that my final straw of the day. He didn’t want to miss the expression so despite the hard laughs, he tried to take a peek at my reaction.

I was as red as a tomato, boiling. “Frick you! Rot in hell, you titan!” I slammed the table and hissed a bit due to the pain felt but I pouted to show how stressed I was.

“But you look pretty! Are you always going to believe on those ideas of yours?” The laughs were nothing closer to dying down. At that moment, he seemed as if he was close to bursting. “And you know what he said?” Placing his head atop his hand that was resting on his table, he asked me directly. Of course I knew the answer.

“Oh, she’s kinda not my type.” We sang in unison as if we shared the same braincell. The only difference was the aftertaste. He laughed harder, while my frown gets lower. 

“What a great day to ruin my date, boy. Got ‘ya self a lover and decided to ditch me whilst betrayin’ behind my back”. I slightly fell back on my seat comfortably and stared at the ceiling.

His laugh drowned after a few minutes and he spoke with a hint of seriousness “you look pretty smiling, I’ve always told you that shortcake.”

My eyes widened a bit with the sudden confession and looked through the screen, in which I saw no figure anymore. One of my eyebrow raised and my smile grew softer. He still do care about me. After all, I was like his little sister. The thought of it made me feel secured and contented.

Well not until I heard a few kisses through the call. “Oh dear gracious, not in front of a declined girl!”, I responded to which they could just let out a few laughs at my remark. And yes just like siblings, they are so fond of my misfortune.

“What took you so long, though?” I could tell that Lia waited for hours just to ask me a question she pondered on for so long. I knew what she meant but asked once again to ensure we got the same idea.

I hummed in question and saw her figure approaching the camera. “That rejected date of yours. What made you sit for several hours until late at night and arrive smiling?” Her man echoed the last words she had spoken like a broken record. He eyed me curiously and waited for me to speak up. Guess I have no choice when two of those orbs stare at me like hawks that are ever ready to bite when denied. I guess I can’t escape.

I tilted my head and accidentally leaked out my inner thoughts “Weird, I thought our talk only lasted for a few minutes” It was a moment before realization dawned unto me. They were as fast as how wind blows though, they caught unto it.

Lia clicked his tongue and smiled as the giant all-knowingly prolonged his words to make it seem like he got the idea. 

“It’s not what y’all think” I rolled my eyes and cleared the obvious suspicion their aura is channeling over to my house that is several miles away. 

“We didn’t say anything though”, Lia’s boy narrowed his eyes and looked at the mentioned girl who quickly agreed on his statement. “Unless, you thought of something”, he continued and emphasized the last word. A tiny glint of his eyes contrasted with his omniscient smirk that glowed on my screen.

I stared for a few seconds trying to find an excuse, but I was caught on the act. “Oh come on! Everybody thinks” I turned my back around and yielded in the tight battle.

“There ye go again, beatin’ ‘round the bush lady!” He sang as he and Lia both left the frame, leaving me and little Tienne alone.

I shook my head in disapproval however my thoughts were fixated unto Lia’s comment. ‘I smiled while arriving’, my heart beat rose quickly for a second and blamed it on my anemia. But then again, if I may have had quite the fun yesterday, maybe mister wasn’t so bad after all.

Forgetting I was still on the line, baby Tienne responded, “Are you in love?”

Instead of denying the question quickly, I decided to ask her as to stir my interest. “And what made you think that way?” My voice slightly raised its pitch as I was talking and trying my best to make a 7 year old kid understand how love even works; despite me not knowing anything about that at all. 

“That look, my brother looks at Lia that way. Your smile” she grinned sheepishly, looking more adorable than she already is. I was distracted by her gleaming eyes until I processed what she had just said. 

Grabbing a mirror, the papers on my desk flew and some fell down but all I could see was my replica staring like a red ball, making me look like someone who blew a balloon really hard. “Oh gosh, I look like exploding” my arm covered the prominent red blush that spread all over my face. 

Tienne giggled and remarked: “you’re weird”

{WEDNESDAY}

I hated snows, much especially on first snows. Ask me for the reasons? Not a good idea. I could only reply with a ‘maybe I was rejected after a couple of supposedly romantic confessions during snow’ or a ‘maybe because I was still currently refused by a guy the moment the first snowflakes fell.’ I stared at the empty park and sighed much more heavily compared to the past.

I opened my note and jotted down a single word: snow. The lingering feeling of coldness touching my skin as I try my best to stay warm reminds me of my past days, trying to desperately breathe in a situation I can’t change. The heavy feeling that grows as light as how its flakes fall. Elegantly in slow motion, if I must describe. Yet it’s temperature is affecting me in a way it doesn’t intend to. Generally, me and snows are simply incompatible. Maybe fate doesn’t follow. 

I stepped back and felt my foot sink deeper into the pile of white cotton. It sucked my leg mesmerizingly but I got back on track as soon as I heard a sound behind me. I placed my guard up and spun around cautiously just to see a playful smile in front of my eyes. I flinched once in surprise, gasped in shocked, and blinked in disbelief. 

“Again?!” My brain was unable to process the flow of events as my fingers pointed to the same mister that was in my head for the past few days. 

“Ah, fate’s dirty works” his shoulders rose as he chuckled and stared at the enchanting view that sat in front of us. Grabbing his camera, he clicked on the button and took a look at his shot. Tilting it sideways, I could only hold on my scarf to avoid slipping into his eyes and focus on the thing he had shown me. After a little peek of a masterpiece, I smiled before replying.

“Again with you and your photographs.”

“I love my shots, this way I could never forget about how such beauty gleams on moonlight or even the sunshine rays. I’m a bit picky, so I believe everything that is stored here is a work of art” He thought deeply and held his camera tighter with deep passion, as if embracing it to heart.

“So each shot you take also depends on your preference?” He handed me the camera and for the first time in the day, we made eye contact. I quickly diverted my gaze on the pictures and swipe through them as he explained.

“I only remember those I love,” past I scrolled on a girl looking more likely to be in her mid 30s. Same smile he wore and same eyes they glowed, I could presumably say it’s her sister with no doubt. “Those I admire,” the next that came in the talk was a bunch of his idols. Some I knew, some I don’t. “And those I’m most interested in” ‘Hobbies’, my inner tone speaking out appeared excited than expected. 

And yet, I was met with a picture of a girl on a white loose dress under the shimmering night sky. Her expression wincing - could also be taken as squinting - I wasn’t too sure what prompted her to have so. May it be the sudden fright she must have had felt, the new feeling rushing down her veins, or simply the strong light of the camera that could’ve blinded her eyes. She was a reflection of me, simply me, during the day we first met. Under the streetlight, the moment he and I closed our distance and stared at the other. The only moment I was able to get sidetracked away from my depressive and monotone months. Maybe there was light, not from the camera nor the streetlight, but from him.

My head unconsciously tilted upwards as to clear what he was trying to say.

“Y/n, I want to know more about you.”

Those few minutes staring unto his eyes, were sucking me like hours. Absorbed and indulged, this scene was deeply imprinted on my mind when I don’t want it to. ‘You can’t be interested in people you had just met, much especially when you know it’s more than curiosity’, this rained on Korea within my mind’s void. Though repeated like a desperate prayer, my mind forgets to remind me that he was bad idea. One word of his, I pause. One step of his, my world stops. One look of his, it continues spinning once again, but now with the thought of progressing the years along with him. Just like how my mind swiftly swings, I feel the sense of slow motion every time he comes but fast forwarded whenever I think about myself, both of us. Fast forward, wherein I’d be holding his hand. Fast forward in time wherein he’d caress me with affection along with those deep brown eyes. 

Fidgeting my fingers, I loosened one arm and placed it on my side near him. His eyes trailed unto my now lowered head that still continued staring on the pictures. I gulped and hesitated as I slowly gave him back the camera while avoiding eye contact. “I hate snow”, a mumble was all I could utter. Hoping I was hidden on the red scarf, my mind was lost in thoughts once again.

Winter, I always feel something around this time of the year. For no reason, a forlorn’s heart is wretched deep in the grave. In ordinarily suffocating, a burdened body carrying her soul. Inexplicably hopeless,  determined - if I must sugarcoat the word - to the point that I am so good at making things out of nothing. 

Instead of bewilderment passing through his eyes, he looked up and agreed. “Yeah”, breathily he spoke. He knew what was going on my mind once again. Was I enchanted in seeing him or was I enchanted just because he was like a reflection I didn’t need to open up to for him to understand?

Nonetheless, I could feel him softly smiling beside me as he took notice of my hand creeping up on his jacket, holding unto it discreetly. He knew I still wanted him to stay, despite the contrasting effect I placed on my words and the actions of pushing him away. 

A few minutes then, he stood and I opened my eyes to face him. Slight surprise was evident in my face, much more after he held out his hand. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?” I stuttered along my words. With the same smile, he declared his statement like a promise;

“Let’s go make snowy days your favorite time of the year.”

“Hey,” he spoke casually but prolonged his words just enough to make me wonder why he had that tone as he spoke. Looking almost immediately, he replied and looked into my eyes with a contemplating face, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

My eyes slightly widened and he smiled as he noticed the surprised look on my face. After all, I thought my insanity was way too one sided. “So you felt it”, My lips turned downward as my eyebrows went upward, showing an expression of shrugging the thought away, despite internally taking it to heart. 

He slowed down the car on a red light and adjusted himself on his seat. “Well, not exactly.” He spoke in a sing-song tone before continuing as to not leave me hanging on his thoughts. “Mine was love at first sight, yours is the idea of soulmates”

I cracked a laugh absentmindedly as he tried to remember which part of his statement deserved a slight mockery. “I did feel like I know you, but never did the thought of being connected to one another, or at least whatever anyone calls that, came into my mind” I looked away from his deep eyes staring into me and signaled him to start the car as the streetlight showed the color green. A part of me was also hoping it would act as a diversion to stop the unnecessary talk.

Being the bubble gum he was, he was a traditional man who took ‘get to know a woman first’ way too literally, maybe even too much. “So you don’t believe in that concept?” He thought to himself, but curiosity made him want a response from me. I could object to his actions quickly, but his assumptions were right. 

“Correction mister, it does not exist.”, I confidently spoke

“And what in the world made you dreadfully oppose to this view?”, he retorted

Another assumption, but he was right and I couldn’t bring myself to talk back again. I pointed my finger at the switches and complicated buttons I’ve seen on his side, to express that I wanted to lower the window. He simply pressed on the mentioned, particularly to my liking. Weird, I thought he’d only lower it a little. 

I leaned my head outside and closed my eyes to take a moment before finally responding after a sigh. “People come and go. None are perfectly suited for each other, if that’s how its definition goes.”

He tilted his head, not in agreement but also not against my thoughts. Therefore, I took it as a moment to continue my explanation. “A soulmate is simply a word people perceive just for reassurance. If one’s single, then his or her so called soulmate will appear soon in the perfect time. That’s what they all say, but it simply is thought just to avoid the fear of being alone, disappointment and other negative aspects that they think could possibly affect their quality of life. But if they’re taken then broke up, just like how typical couples are fated to die down, they’d also call the same plea for self-encouragement that a perfect man would miraculously appear in their life like some hero in a romance drama.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disapproval as I continued speaking in disgust, “it’s sick.”

I could feel him staring straight at me so I did as well to see what he could reply after my utterance. His expression agape, leaving him speechless when I knew he initially had a speech prepared. The sudden silence made me tense up quicker than I thought, so I cleared my throat to bring him back to earth. “What?” I cursed myself mentally for breaking the eye contact first, but thank the heavens it saved my life. “Mister!”

My voice successfully knocked some sense out of him as his eyes trailed to where my eyes were directed at. His expression turned into something beyond panic and surprise, as he quickly pulled the brakes at a red light.

Our bodies bounced back like fishes off sea and I could feel my heartbeat racing faster than when I had first met him. This is when I knew it was a really strong feeling. “Are you planning to kill me?!” I exasperatedly threw my hands in the air.

He could only chuckle after a moment of calming the adrenaline rush we’ve felt and finally eased up before explaining himself, which was very unnecessary given the situation we’re in.

“Gosh, you are breathtaking” he bit his tongue as he grinned playfully. He’s really joking at a time like this? Now, I was the one who had my jaw dropped, not because of confusion but due to incredulity. Blinking twice to see if he wanted to retract his words, it was of no use. “It made me almost ran the red.” 

“No, but really, that rap performance you gave a while ago seemed too personal.”, he thought and rapidly changed the topic.

“If personal, why pry?” I spoke in a deadpan tone because even if my heart rate had calmed down, my brain wasn’t able to process what had happened if I had not looked down the road. “Besides, there is no such thing as soulmates. It’s just a bunch of coincidences to keep the hopes of people up. They are blatantly yet stupidly and unknowingly lying to themselves.”

“Well, I beg to disagree, young missy.” His arms leaned unto the wheel and he slightly intertwined his fingers to properly refute my baseless explanations. “Soulmates are real, just like you and I.” His ego rose as I groaned in annoyance. I actually adjusted myself to hear his opinion, just to take a false assumption from him. He chuckled and nudged me as a sign that he’ll finally be proper for once. Well, thankfully he did. 

“All jokes aside, there are people that are meant to be for each other. No matter how life brings them down, fate would still tie them together with no escape.”

“See how the world toys with people?”, I bitterly questioned.

“Yes, but I find that very interesting when it comes to the idea of soulmates. The way it makes people feel like the person they’d end up with is the only right one after all the wrongs they’ve seen before. That’s what makes it special. There’s no “toying” present; it’s simply fate.”, he spoke lightly as if whispering while showing his eye-smile.

“That’s too dramatic and vague by the way”, I casually critiqued

“Vague.” He looked up for a while after echoing my words and thought, “maybe it’s because second chances are part of my beliefs. With no factual explanations based on science, It seemed like it’s one with me.”

“Directly, you’re trying to say you just believe in it. That’s it.” I tried to help him get out with this ‘beating around the bush’ behavior I dislike.

“Maybe or maybe not.”, I rolled my eyes again in response. “The world is more than what we see. And in this world, we may have not known that there are people destined to be with others and encountered them in their past lives. Maybe some kind of resurrection built by deep affection, if I must say. A second chance brought by fate, a second chance that was persuaded to arrive because of how intense the relationship or bond is. I believe in those. With equal yearning felt by each other, nothing is impossible, y’know?”

He looked very lost in his words and I didn’t know when to interrupt. As if by ‘fate’, he finally paused for a moment to look at me. Except, I didn’t know what to respond to his sayings. Both of our ideas aren’t even scientifically proven or factual, they are just metaphorical statements that aren’t needed to be spoken because none of these could change anything at all. People couldn’t see and hear, nor would the heavens comply with our contrasting requests. Yet, the desperate aggression we know we’ve felt despite our calming and frisky voices, was quite personal. Why were we so eager to insist our perspectives? His eye smile almost made me forget how quickly he’d react whenever I spoke my side and how his eyebrows would furrow in seemingly disappointment because I don’t get his.

Confrontation wasn’t my side though, so I played along with his ‘dodging’ game. “The concepts of soulmates doesn’t only revolve in second chances though, that example was oddly specific”, I chuckled to not appear crystal clear.

Instead of a quick response or interruption like he’d usually do, he instead paused again before letting out a hesitant titter. My eyes scanned through his face and saw him gulped, which unconsciously made me feel awkward as well because of how uncomfortable he seemed in a second. “I mean- A situation, I guess. Just to expand and make it a whole lot clearer. Yeah.” The volume of his voice gradually decreased as I echoed his last word. Now, it was my time to clear my throat. 

Acting as if I was admiring the scenery during the car ride, he halted after a few minutes. We ended up on a little street and I was caught off guard when he opened my side of the car door. It must’ve meant we already had reached our destination. Why is he taking me here? Still, there’s something that always keeps me hanging unto him. Maybe he wasn’t the only one stricken by curiosity. 

He beckoned me to enter and I trailed behind his back. There, we entered a peaceful and little home with red dreamcatchers on the right side of the interior wall. What caught my eye though was the piled books in the shelves with a man’s name on it, in which I assumed belonged to his. I never knew he was the type to easily get immersed with books; talk about a perfect guy. Unfortunate was I to say that even if he had courted me, we were characters predestined on an asymmetrical time flow. 

As soon as I entered the house, I could still feel the cold air from outside. It was as if it had been long since someone visited here because the air warmers seemed broken. Don’t get me wrong though, the surroundings was clean - way too clean for my liking, way too clean to be true. This flawless orderliness would only be possible if one had come here to sweep every minute as there is an absence of even a speck of dust. But then again, it was cold.

 I approached the stair rail beside me and hung my red scarf before proceeding to the living room. “Coffee or tea?” The mister asked while facing towards the kitchen. 

“Do you have juice?” Both of my eyebrows rose and my mind hesitated whether that was an appropriate thing to ask. Hoping it did not make me look demanding, I waited for his reply.

“Sure”, he timidly spoke and gave me a smile once again. However, I noticed his shilly-shally to leave me out of his sight.

 “I’m fine”, I chuckled as he also replied with one. I was mistaken though, as he still seemed to ask me something on his mind but decided to bite his tongue for it may look weird. Delaying his steps, his words trailed slowly as the volume gradually decreased. “Where..?”

“Maybe in the upper cabinet beside the refrigerator”, I tittered at the thought of him not knowing where the powdered juice in his home is. 

A hint of surprise following mines gave me reassurance that I was right. I decided to scroll my eyes along the album that was almost unnoticeably placed under the table with only a page hanging off in the corner of my sight. It was normally something others would undoubtedly ignore but everything about him struck my curiosity; even if it’s merely something related to him. Without hesitation, I took a closer look at it and unintentionally had it up in my lap as I scanned the pictures. 

There, a little kid around 4 or 6 years old is sitting in a twin-sized bed along with a beautiful lady who had her arm wrapped around his son’s shoulder. The ring on my hand touched the picture’s texture as I brought out the photo from the memory book to determine the uncanny sight. In one look, it resembled a family in the mid 1990s that would make one sense jealousy in themselves because this published a dream almost none could reach. Happy and rich, full of excitement. However, blink and take a second look, one could notice the indifference present in the face of the little boy. The charisma the mother exhibited overpowered the kid to paint a happy picture that would please everyone’s eyes. But the latter’s smile was way crooked, showing uneven proportions that should’ve been aligned with his eye. The brown orbs that looked ever beautiful was isolated from the look he wanted others to perceive. It was metaphorically flat and literally dull. Though if the smile was only looked solely, it seemed as if he was in a manic state. 

My head started to lean near the picture slowly to view the sight that gradually became horrid. The traumatizing scene could easily influence such an apparently unfaltering mood. If invisible blood from the ones you were forced to kill spilled out from those guilty, innocent, and pitiful eyes, appeared as a picture; no doubt it would be this.

“That’s me when I was 6, year 2006 along with mom”, Mister came back with two containers in hand, one’s a teacup, the other’s a tall cup. Hesitation was evident in his last word but I flinched almost too obviously that I knew I was guilty yet persuaded myself that invading a family treasure would be fine without asking for a proper permission because I’m scared of receiving a single ‘no’. I sighed mentally at my idea of being nosy when it comes to other people’s business. Might be a red flag, but what can I do when my life’s too boring for me to get invested at?

However, I couldn’t quite decipher what truly disturbed me in hearing his response; whether it was his thoughts of me suddenly opening a personal object, this guy was the same kid who used to have an awful smile and had glasses on his twin-sized bed, him looking quite uncomfortable talking about his mother, the fact that the pictures were old yet they only had bought a shiny new album recently, the set up was very much around the nineties yet he was born in 2000, or the idea that I had so many ideas when it comes to him because I unusually, and very much weirdly, am so concerned about his life and perceptions about him. Nope, definitely (hopefully) not the last one.

My eyes awkwardly blinked twice and I could feel my cheeks heating up with a slight tint of pink. Clearing my throat before anything could get worse, I chose to give a remark regarding the second to the last question. “Vintage. Your family’s on the traditional side?”

“You could say that”, he spoke while slowly dragging himself near me with a sharp breath. I unconsciously stiffened up for a moment, glad he didn’t noticed it this time. His finger moved through the album and pointed at the little kid with glasses. Following a chuckle, he added “biggest plot twist in my life”

I looked away at the book for a moment to think before I responded with a dramatic gasp, “I feel like I’m looking at two different people”

His eyes met with mine and he laughed so heavenly while clapping his hands. It slowly died down and he shrugged along my disbelief. “I can’t believe that’s me either. Maybe it’s the ‘mom’s effect”

“Mom’s effect?”

He hummed and replied, “the trauma maker”

I bitterly giggled as I could relate to him this time. “Then it’s the dad effect for me” Looking towards him to show I’m ready to listen, I nudged him slightly. “You start, I finish”

“Ah, but the finishing touch is the highlight!”

“Then I appreciate getting the spotlight, mister” I slyly stated while narrowing my eyes, to which he responded with eyes rolled.

“Hwang Hyunjin” 

“Ohh,” I teasingly reacted while showing my empty ring finger “You haven’t told me your story yet and now we’re on a name basis?”

“Yes, a name basis. Not on a first name basis” he slowly pronounced each word to highlight the bitter truth, along while pointing his finger straight at me. He then held my hand and it caused my eyes to slowly land on them just to see him place it back on my side. I couldn’t utter a word or maybe I simply chose to refuse. My jaw was left dropped as he shook his head with playful disappointment before turning his back at me. Talk about having a full army attack you, unarmored.

“You?!” My British accent showed up on the worst timing possible. Though I could say it added a more comedic touch in my skit. I guess living in London for a few years just to avoid a father’s tantrum isn’t so bad after all. “You, of all people, chose to ignore me? Nobody could resist this beauty, I daresay” I stopped after a few tracks after his sudden turn. His face were a few inches away and I was startled for quite a bit. Still, it doesn’t mean that the zoom in wasn’t humorous. He’s still a fine man though, he didn’t waste much of his cool points. 

“Unfortunately darling, I was called a nobody in my family. Does that count?” He questioned to add a risible scene in my play. Oh, he is a whimsical man for sure. It bewilders my mind pretty bit to think that there are people out there that isn’t entertained by him. Either it’s my broken sense of humor or theirs, he’s got something that makes a person very intrigued.

He turned his back once again so I grabbed his hand and now it was I who made him surprised. “You still can’t get away with this.” My smile glimmered but my eyes remained determined “tell me your story,” I whispered.

His smile dropped for a moment but he sat first on the sofa. Patting it twice, I followed him soon after. “I wasn’t this type of person initially”, he spoke to break the silence.

“On the picture or the one I’m facing right now?” My body slightly leaned right to look towards him as I laced both of my hands and placing them atop my lap.

“Which do you prefer?” The tone was so like — well, him but the question may appear serious if taken on a different note. Who’s to say I can’t like both?

“Can I assume you meant you weren’t the type to open up to people?” A smirk was plastered on my face but it can’t stop there. I gave him a teeny wink, which I knew he’d notice immediately given he’s attracted to details. I hope ‘attracted’ was the accurate word, not obsessed. It makes me shudder to think he was made the latter, if ever, because of his own family. 

“Unbelievable, miss. Just-“ he chuckled before continuing “You’re unbelievable” It can be taken in only two perspectives. The first one would be a rude tone and the second could be taken as a compliment. Not only does he have a great sense of humor, but he was mysterious as well. No matter what kind of emotions he’d express, I don’t think anyone ever had the chance to pass through his walls of mind.

“What can I say? According to my father, I am a simpleton. And I agree. I look at things very simple and even when it comes to people! Everyone either likes me or hates me, no in between. And as for our case,” I pointed at him and myself before rapidly switching sides of my finger to show the unity and placed it back on my lap. “I think we’re far enough from hatred”, I simpered.

“You need to stop making yourself special” he sipped from his cup after lifting it up for cheers.

“I am special” I responded to his greetings.

“I dreadfully wish I could deny that” He clicked his tongue after his reply. He muttered the words to himself, I assume, because of its volume. Yet I also do believe it was meant to reach me given the silence afterwards as if he was waiting for me.

“What’s stopping you?” I gave out a short chuckle, somewhat similar to his which made me slightly alarmed. Truly, I am not fond of him, am I?

“The fact that you are”

A swish of the wind passed by as I stopped for a moment, “Oh, a smooth talker you are. I despise you.”

“Well then, here ya go.” He waved his hands towards me, hinting that he got through me for a split second. “You got a past!” He gasped dramatically.

“If you think you can get away from you explaining your past, then you’re wrong. Quit the delay, mister”

“Pressuring me just after you know my name? How fierce. I like that in a girl.” I simply rolled my eyes and let out a groan before he showed a teeny smile and continued.

The car ride took another few 30 minutes going home but I felt like we’ve been going on a loop for several hours. The ride home was eerily silent, a clear contrast compared to the way to his place. And it’s not sadness I’m feeling right now, but pity and confusion. He discussed his past using his mother’s perspective and words, which made him insecure and stopped me from asking how he felt. His mother was in control of him after all; his eyes, his mouth, and his skin acted as if they were reflections of his mother’s view of an epitome of an obedient son.

He warned me that I’d view him differently if I heard his story, that I’d be disgusted and disappointed of how he had the right to live and laugh after he used to be at an awful state with his mother, thinking he never deserved to do so. 

I got off the car after the slight hesitation and bit my lip before I bid goodbye. I felt a slight tinge of pain because I thought his eyes would peer through mine, trying to tone it with an ‘I told you so.’ Except, I never got to meet his eyes at the end of the day, leaving me frozen still as he left without uttering a word.

I sighed and went straight to bed soon after while rethinking everything that had just happened. I never felt disgusted, not one thought of leaving him had run across my mind. In fact, maybe a part of me wanted him to love his self and see the beauty I’m seeing as I wish to view those eyes for eternity. It was until the moment that I have concluded the night; Uh oh, I’m falling in love with Hwang Hyunjin.

{THURSDAY)

I woke up in a messy state. I could hear faint ringing coming from my ears as my head start to hurt a bit. I didn’t know where this slight pain came from but I presumed the reason was because I couldn’t sleep well yesterday. There were mainly two reasons and a suspect. For one, I couldn’t sleep as I thought I had concluded yesterday that I love a guy I recently met. Second, I couldn’t sleep because I debated that these feelings weren’t real and I was simply getting distracted from the darkness that swooped me days ago. I am a smart woman and I know for sure the most stupid thing a person can do is romantically trusting a guy. But all these reasons only have one suspect, and out of all, it had to be Hwang Hyunjin. And oh, how it torments my mind upon realizing I can’t place the words ‘just’ and him on the same sentence. I can’t belittle him at all; he has that face, humor, smile, words, and understanding for me that can’t put me at ease. He makes me so giddy but I feel comfortable in his presence. Really, what is he and what is it he’s making me feel?

As an instinct, I went out and reached for my phone before I was stopped at a sudden thought that he still was a stranger to me. I mentally cursed upon remembering I don’t even have his number yet. All I have is a name and his past that gives me no leads about his whereabouts. ‘Too much for true love, my ass.’ I sighed, rolled my eyes, and shook the negative feeling away. It was nothing, I was sad and heartbroken. It could be thought of as a one-night-stand without all the sexual contact. It’s temporary, just how love should be. Non-draining, non-distracting, and unattached. It’s a way to actually protect one’s heart than laying it out in full vulnerability.

I stood on my feet and took a shower. Just like an innocent party night out, I hoped to clear my mind alone in a cafè as I have not too many friends to go together with.

If I were to earn a dollar for every sigh that escapes my lips, I’d become a millionaire overnight. I gave myself a mental facepalm as I stood in front of the same cafe I once met Hyunjin. It was not to clear my mind but rather to fill my mind with him again. I was teeny hoping he’d be here, assuming it’s his usual spot. But my trail of thought and clear flowery daydreaming was interrupted as I’ve seen frightened eyes shot at me. The staffs inside stared at me in terror and some of the customers oddly peered as if asking for proper verification from the others that they’ve seen right. With gaping mouths and frozen eyes, one of them brazenly marched forward to me. It was an eerie sight that I couldn’t bear to overcome, even when I had the feeling I was overthinking the situations again. I could feel myself shaking that I had to quickly turn around. 

Much to my thanks, someone grabbed ahold of me and took me to a quiet alley with not much of people but had breathtaking scenes. I was about to scream until I saw a familiar face holding his finger up as an act to shush me up. My hands were still practically shaking at the sudden anxiety that stroked me in day and my thoughts raced back and forth until my mind couldn’t keep up with it anymore. The edges of my eyes used to appear soft like the ground’s surface softening in rain until the tears were now brimming my eyes. Gladly, it can be seen as some sort of a splash; strong and speedy. But again, Hyunjin was able to notice such and tried to calm me down. He was almost embracing me with his palms resting atop the knuckles of my closed hands. He didn’t say a word except slow hush sounds as his thumb ran circles that eased my shakiness. I wasn’t even completely enveloped in his arms but it felt so warm because the soft tone of his humming reached through me that it almost felt like he whispered sweet nothings. My eyes were closed shut so I couldn’t see, could barely hear, and yet his presence, merely his presence, was enough to calm me down.

“Hyunjin…” I weakly spoke out and he reassuringly replied,

“I’m here.”

It took me a several minutes before I was able to calm down and when I did, I was aware of his presence. My breath hitched and I started to fix my dress; a hint of awkwardness present within the air.

“So… Were you just about to enter the cafè?” I cleared my throat and asked. It seemed like a casual question but I looked up to him in little hopes before giving a follow-up in a low volume almost he couldn’t hear. “Or did you have other plans?”

Hyunjin was an attentive guy, and I thought he was much more thoughtful on the details that involved me. But he shrugged off the last part because it seemed out of the place without context.  “Yes, it’s my go-to place,” he tried to lighten up the mood when he showed his prince-like smile everyone would swoon over.

My cheeks were heated up with his response. Of course! After all, I did want to enter this cafè because I thought I’d see him. It’s totally understandable it would be left one-sided. I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I thought he was interested in seeing me too. What was wrong with me?

In panic, I hurriedly spoke and gradually stepped back until I wanted him out of my sight “Right, right! I’m so so sorry I interrupted your day. I wanted to enter the cafè too, I mean just because the food taste good and I love the ambience. It’s such a nice place, isn’t it? Totally, I mean, that is solely why you wanted to go here in the first place.. right? Of course, glad our tastes match! I’m really sorry, now you could go on and continue your day because I will now take my leave-“

“And I also wanted to see you”

Oh.

He added and held my wrist with a slightly shocked expression as well that I had to leave immediately. The stiffness of my body then started to soften up as well before I breathed out another sigh and feebly agreed, “I did too.” A few seconds is what it takes to look into each other’s eyes and realize that we’re thinking the same thing. However, he caught me off-guard today. “Come with me, y/n.” Honestly, I hesitated. Does it feel right to entrust myself in the arms of this guy? Does he feel right? Rationality would reject his offer, but my eyes landed on his. It’s those eyes again. It’s what reminds me of how much great of a guy he’s been and how I could imagine myself in his company. Now the question shifts and all I could ask is “How could I say no to that?”

{FRIDAY}

Yesterday was great, too great for my liking. It made me forget how it went very well, made me ignore the fact that the universe punishes beings at the end of the day. I remembered eating strawberry ice creams, a spoon for two. We went watching sunsets in the dock after experiencing a short cruise at night. The last thing I could recall was plopping flat on the sheets as I stared at his wide smile that I realized made his eyes tiny. Such a warming eye-smile. That upwards curve shaped by his pink-tinted lips was the first feature in the moment wherein I looked at anything first before his brown eyes. That’s when I knew he was more than just first impressions. There were greater adventures with him than subtly looking in those eyes. And just as I was about to decide to know him better, he left with no word. I woke up, all alone.

The ringing of the phone brought me back to my senses. I answered the call and I heard Lia on the end of the phone, “I honestly don’t know other ways to tell you the truth y/n, he’s not answering, he will never answer because whoever this is you’re telling me to call, the number is not available. It’s gone, y/n. It’s gone.” My hands tapped furiously at the phone for a short while before I hastily replied and dropped the phone call “It’s not right. Something’s wrong, y-you’re calling the wrong phone number and I know I can’t reach him too on my cell but we were just sleeping together last night.”

Another ring came up but I decided to ignore it. I quickly showered that I did not even remembered if I washed my hair. All I know was that I changed into the clothes I found first on the cabinet and made sure to bring my phone. I strolled through the same streets and places we went while finally calling back Lia. 13 missed calls. My hands gripped tighter on the phone and prayed it was good news. 

“Sleeping together? What just- how did-?” I interrupted her and spoke, “We were so tired after grabbing strawberry ice creams, strolling on the docks, going on a short cruise, that we went to sleep and I could barely remember anything afterwards.” I raised my voice in panic, almost-sounding like I panted. I sighed. And it was silence after silence to recollect my thoughts. In a low volume, I asked “You don’t think something bad happened to him, right?” Lia clicked her tongue in frustration and groaned, “And you are worried about that?! Hell y/n, for all we know, this guy could have left you! He played you, y/n. Why are we being so naive?” 

“He did not, Lia” I emphasized, “You don’t even know this guy”

“And you don’t too! You met him a few days and now you’re head over heels for him. I am not terrified of what’s happening to him, I am scared of you. What is all this about? Aside from the fear of you getting hurt, you are acting almost obsessive with a man you barely met. Get your senses back, this is not you”

“What do you know?” I mumbled and it was enough to make Lia stop rambling. There was more to it than just a question, and she knows.

Her boyfriend sighed and asked a question that somehow ignited a larger fire than before, contrary to his intentions. “We don’t even have cruises that last as short as one night. Hell, is there even one that runs faster than less than a day?”

It was silent again. I could hear Lia pause but it had a different vibe today. I knew, she thought, and he did too. But none of them were right, I met him. I know I did. “This is ridiculous” I scoff, “Are you saying I’m lying?”

“No, we could never! We trust you.. but with everything going on in your life, you know.. You might have not took it well” Lia’s boyfriend carefully chose his words.

However, I insisted. “Or implying I’m hallucinating” And again, it was silent. I shook my head and continued “I don’t know what to say. This is crazy, I can’t. This is just-“ “and this, all of what’s happening, is crazy!” Lia spoke before she was shushed out by her boyfriend again but I dropped the call. 

Why do they always think ahead of me? Back when I independently chose my course, they’d hesitate. When I say I finally found something good for me, they’d doubt. When I feel hurt over comments of other people, they’d laugh. And now they think I’m insane. Well, they might be right; I feel insane because I don’t know what to believe anymore. This guy, one who truly understood me, is nowhere to be found and he could be playing me like what Lia mentioned. I am scared, not because of what could have happened to him but what would happen to me. I am selfish. I feel alone. I’m standing alone. It’s scary.  

I ran back to his place and rang the bell. I could feel sweat trickling down my hands and I feel cold. He would be here, wouldn’t he? Almost a minute later, the door opened. And it was to my delight until I saw an unfamiliar face. The girl looked a few years older than him that it made me sigh. I never knew he was into women older than him. Guess I didn’t know him after all.

She smiled sheepishly along with her pretty features. “Hi, I’m Sana. Sorry I don’t know how these introduction things work. But I just moved here, I doubt a neighbor would immediately want to say hello. Would you?” She extended her arm. I misunderstood her and never was I happy in my life that I was wrong. 

“Oh no, I’m finding a guy in this area. He was in this place.” “Ah! I do remember this was used by a man.” Her voice echoed throughout the hall as she seemed to grab something by the end of the table “The landlady insisted this might belong to its owner. I don’t really mind, but seeing you’re finding him, you might be a good choice.”

The door closed and I held the old phone she handed over. There was still dust on the edges of the screen that I assumed it was used a really long time ago. I unlocked the phone but it had no lock at all. Was this intentionally left behind for me? Curiosity wrapped me up as soon a recording was shown on the screen. I couldn’t wait to hear it so as soon as I rode the bus, I took out my earphones and tapped on the play button.

It was odd. He talked almost as if he was telling a children’s story because according to him, it went by like a fantasy. In a first person point of view, he started the tale with a man and a woman, in their teen years. The man was an aspiring dancer, filled with his passion for music. But there were obstacles — pressure, doubts, and insecurities. That’s how he ended up on the dock overlooking the shore and sunsets, the same place wherein he was saved from his thoughts of disappearing into thin air by a woman. He was an observant guy and knew from one glance that she was considered average. She wore outfits that looked like they were taken hurriedly for the sake of sale day and a stylish bag, so out of the whole aesthetic that it seemed like it was only given to her as a gift. But it was different at this moment. After one long pause and a closer stare, she looked the prettiest in his eyes. One thing that ironically brightened his day was indulging in her downward eyes which emitted great concern. He could only, after everything, smile. The girl visited him continuously but only at sunsets due to both of their busy schedules. It so happened that she stood in the dock also because she needed a breather, unknowingly saving a life as well. The girl approached him and days turned into a whole week of them getting to have fun together. They were each other’s rest and they lived every minute of being together. They knew nothing of their relationship, whether it was intimate or platonic, but they enjoyed the days. However, the days were numbered. The girl saw him no more.

“Maybe I needed you too. I just needed seven more hours to speak with you.” The words from the audio strayed further away from the storyline, leaving me confused. “The day you weren’t able to come back because you were busy, I stood still like the waves coming back to the shore. It’s this ache I feel after I had realized that I can’t escape; I will always go back to the same place. You touched my life, and I am not selfish enough to tell you that you haven’t changed it quite yet because you had done more than I could ever do. You kept trying and trying. I was losing hope, I’m sorry. By the time you have received this message, I’m probably not with you today, though I at least hope it wouldn’t take years for this to reach you.” I could hear his bittersweet chuckle at the end, “I just wanted to express how grateful I am to spend my remaining time with you. I wish to live at least just seven days with you to make up for my absence, is it a difficult request?”

No, this is not just a fictional story anymore. My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of my phone and I subconsciously answered it and placed it on my ear as if by instinct, completely spacing out. “Hey.” Hwang Hyunjin. That voice, the same one that showed me both this heart-wrenching delusions and reality. I could feel him through the phone. I could imagine his eyes, and for the first time in 5 days of meeting him, I could vividly remember his nose, lips, and the little mole under his left eye. “I didn't expect the recording to reach you several years after."

"Find me in the usual spot, yeah?”

I looked up and realized it was closer to dark that the driver had even slept on my destination. I must have been spacing out for several hours by now. I remembered it, plain as day. And if I’m not mistaken, we only have seven hours left before he leaves me. I couldn’t waste more time trying to count the hours left so I immediately went down and crossed the dock. I spotted his figure from afar; tall, blonde guy. He turned back and our eyes met. Now I could recognize him better as I ran closer to him.

How could I had ever forgotten about him? He was my first love, the reason why I feel so alone after all these years, why I felt so empty in Yuna’s wedding, why I could feel such strong connection between us. This must be why he was in a tux the moment I met him, as it was the last image of him I've remembered in his coffin. All this time, Hwang Hyunjin, the story was about us. 

“Are you real?” I sniffed and until then, tears started streaming down my face. I can’t breathe. I feel choked by my own tears and I can sense my heart breaking. My body started feeling so sore because of this immense pain in my heart and I wonder if he’s being so oblivious about it as this, everything, is just so mean. Can he hear my heart crashing?

He only responded with a smile, “I am if you want me to. Anything’s possible, isn’t it?” He reached for my hand and started caressing it gently. God, I could still feel him. So near, yet so far. It’s like he’s here, but isn’t. “Just like how you changed my mind that time.”

I threw my hand away from his hold and took a step back. “So this is why you've never met my friends today, why I was the only one who could see you, why I don't understand you fully, why those people in the café looked at me like I was crazy. Were you real after your death? How could you simply disappear, Hyunjin? Not only a moment ago but also in the past! That was so one-sided. You were breaking my heart. Was that your plan all along? During that sunset, did you mean to grab my attention with those eyes of yours, share your thoughts that changed my whole life, and leave me just to suffer all alone? We weren’t even in pain together, Hyun! I felt great with you and you told me you did find a friend in me. We felt so isolated, but wasn’t that…before us?” My eyes moved downward as I continued without letting him speak, “Or was that just me?” Chuckling in bitter as I spoke with poison, “Right, right. It could’ve just been me! You were suffering so bad and I didn’t even notice it. I may had fun, but it wasn’t enough to make you change your decision that one time I wasn’t around.” I stepped back as he tried to reach for me but I wouldn’t allow him to. He couldn’t even speak as I was madly lost in track with the ideas that filled in my head. “I was wrong. I was not enough. I should’ve been there-"

“Y/n!” He brought me back to reality with just one yell of my name. And I wondered, can he bring his self back too? “I hate that you think bad about yourself. That you had regrets during that moment as you kept blaming your decisions” He mumbled but loud enough for me to hear, “Maybe that’s the reason why I was given another opportunity to meet you. You changed me, y/n. I need you to understand that and respect my feelings.”

“Respect your feelings? Did you ever respect me as a person?” I stared at him, full of contempt and bitterness. He didn’t waste another second to respond but I had cut him off. “What kind of question is that, y/n? Of course, I do-“ I desperately wanted to move away from him that I took several steps back as he did forward.

“And you didn’t consider how I’d react?”

“I did, I had thought of it-“ “And you still went with it! I thought our friendship was strong enough that you’d understand how gravely I’d suffer if you were gone in just one moment. Hell, you left me for a lifetime!” “Can you please listen to me for one second before you might get yourself killed?! We walked back to the road and a car could be here any time we’d least expect!” He raised his voice higher to grab my attention that I had lost strength to fight back. Nothing made sense anymore. How could he put me in place as easy as he’d throw me away? “I can’t afford to lose you, y/n” His eyes softened and I could observe them; they were full of regrets. My heart ached once more and it wasn't because of him. I could sense my hopes getting up again.

[THE DOCK]

We were sitting, staring at the dimness in front of us. Silence. That was all I could hear almost an hour after we went back. It was enough to calm myself down, to be ready, before he’d start talking again. And he did. “You knew my struggles before as a trainee. Rather than solely dancing, I realize I’d be known greater as an idol. I was already suffering from their constant criticisms, endless practices, and trying to prove myself out there. Because it’s so different here in Korea. You can’t simply be skilled and succeed in the music industry. They take no mercy that it’s somehow not just music anymore. You have to appear perfect, have that appeal, be good-looking, and even know almost everything to please people and bring them to be your fans. Not only that, I had family issues too. It was messed up and I needed a different place. I didn’t know I actually needed a person, you, my safe place. It was as if all those worries disappeared and I found my reason to keep going on in that journey. In everyone’s eyes, I was a disappointment and a doubt but you never made me feel that way. You are important to me, y/n. And I’d climb a hundred mountains, reach for a thousand stars, and search for you within millions of people in this world, all for you. I’d make everything possible for you.” “Yet you couldn’t wait a day just for me?” Tears started falling once again but it was a first to see tears brimming from his eyes. I hesitated to add the question I’ve thought of all this time as I imagined his expression, his realization that I’m coming back to reality. “Hyunjin… why did you die? Why did you leave me, alone?”

After a sigh, he replied. “It was not simply one day for me. It was the only moment. I had realized in a short span of time that I can’t live without you. After those moments, I went back to my dorm and repeated the same routine. But I used to be happy because I thought of you every second of my life. I felt motivated in seeing someone who could finally understand me. However, every time they drag me down, give me a notice I may be up for elimination, criticize me, and say I’m not fit for dancing when it had been my reason for living, there was still this hole nobody can fill. And I may had gone through that pain, I may stand it when I’m with you but I was so lost. I wanted to restart my life because I was scared at the thought that I may not be happy with wanting to be an idol when I’ve wasted all my years for this. What am I going to do without it? Without you?”

“Was I not enough? Did I not make a greater effort of changing your perspective?”

“I arrived at the point that I had still thought of spending my days with my bestfriend when I finally become an idol. You’ve changed much more than just perspective, you changed me. But we both can’t change what cannot be changed. It’s life and I’ve given up on it. There’s nothing more you can do.”

He took ahold of my hand and we both stood as the sunrise is nearing. “But looking at you once more, now that I have this freedom, you really got a knack for changing lives. I used to be lost but I have a vision now. You brought me back. I realized that I still needed more time to be with you, I will always do. I do not want things to end, y/n. Thank you for the seven days, seven hours, and seven more minutes with you but I’d be too selfish as to always ask for one more second until I finish spending an eternity with you. Seven is not right for us, Eight may be our fate. But life encompasses everyone and I struggle to keep this goal running” He squeezed my hand, hard enough to make me realize he was trying to keep himself composed. Time is such an awful thing to be paired with life, I thought.

“I thought you said you’d make everything possible for me? For us?” He could only, after everything, smile. He reached for the strands of hair falling like the continuous tears running through my cheeks. He tucked them under my ear as he whispered “And I would.” 

I pushed him back a little as we were on the same wavelength, on the same page. “You’re not leaving me again, Hyunjin. You’re not. Not when I’ve spent my whole life thinking about you! Crushing myself over you and dreading this moment just to finally see you pushing me away again! I was there. Everyone moved on but I stayed in the same beach until dust collected in my pinned-up hair and you weren’t still there. On that- this same beach you had forgotten me because I wasn’t present the day you needed me.”

“I could never forget about you, I had never done that at all. I always needed one second to be close to you but that’s the problem, y/n. I used to be hurting every time I was with you, knowing I was meant to leave you in the end. I had no direction in life and I did not want to drag you further with me. You deserve to be in this world.”

Choked sobs are all that he could hear from me. No, I did not like to take another silence anymore. Why does it appear as if we’ve got nothing left to do, that all his decision must be him leaving me? I desperately grasped unto my shirt and crouched with all means to let out the pain my heart is feeling. The scream my heart is letting out that he can now hear.

“It hurts much more, Hyun. I was not living but I wasn’t dying too. Have you encountered it? Before leaving this sick world, did you carry all those regrets? Did you have troubles leaving this beach knowing you’re gone? Did you stop watching the television and your favorite series, basically your current only reason for living, just because I saw your face on the news? Did you lose your appetite? Did you have sleepless nights full of cries and when you were finally able to take a nap, you’d wake up with a wet pillow? Did you stop leaving the house and wasn’t strong enough to face your other friends? Did you feel very helpless to the point I wasn’t brave enough to meet your grave? Up to this time, I walk with nothing but pain in my heart. It hurts, Hyun. It hurts to think that the only thing that reminds me I’m still living is this sting in my heart and I hate that! I hate that I’m still living a life, the one thing that brought both of us down. I’m walking, driving, eating, strolling, and desperately trying to fix everything broken through time. One thing that brought both of us down, I’m still alive because of this sickening time!” “But I have no regrets, y/n.” He mumbled in a low volume and it finally struck me. There’s nothing more I can do, do I? Is this why he’s here? To make me understand that it wasn’t my fault? He’s so pure and good that it’s mean to me.

“How could you do this to me?”

He shushed me, brought my hands together, and embraced me as we both cried. “And I’m sorry. I apologize for everything I’ve made you feel but you won’t feel a single thing like that anymore. By the time we’d keep on living in different worlds, you have to let go of me.” “I’m scared, Hyunjin.” His hands touched my back as he held me closer and simply replied with a ‘don’t be’. “I could sense I’m slowly losing you. I’m slowly starting to forget how you touched me, how you made me feel, and your voice.” He replied no more and encouraged me to let all my feelings out… to forget later. I tried to move a little but he didn’t let me go. It was obvious he didn’t want me to have a last look at his eyes. It’s getting dangerous, Hyun. I’m starting to forget your gaze, those eyes that would then not be considered as ‘those’ but simply eyes I would not be able to recognize anymore. You’re starting to be like everyone, like strangers.

“Can I have one more word with you?” I could feel his soft hands stop and it was if I read his mind. He didn’t want any more promises, I know. “Did you really climb a hundred mountains, and reach for a thousand stars before you’ve searched for me?”

He paused for a moment and we both could hear ourselves chuckle. “You really are still the same, y/n. Hmm..” He stopped as if thinking, before continuing again, “I may had- have not. Okay, I did not.” I could sense his smile but couldn’t feel it anymore.

I tugged his shirt as we still embraced and gave a playful laugh through my tears. “You’re such a drama!” “But in the afterworld, I would. I’d do those for you before I’m forgetting you as well. We’d keep living in both worlds.” I sighed, but it was more of an emotional release. I wonder if he also started to forget how I feel.

“I hope the afterworld do you good, it’s what you deserve.” “And I’d pray to those angels to give you a life, not just worth living but full of happiness.” “That seems impossible” I playfully rolled my eyes and lightly hit him in the back.

“I’d make everything possible for you.” And I knew he’d let it happen. I was starting to calm down as I could see the sun rising. A new beginning. A restart.

“Can I say one last thing before we’d leave each other?” My voice almost cracked due to the sudden wash of emotions to which he replied with a sorrowed chuckle. I could feel myself crying again and my hands were shaking. My heart was clenching so bad and I didn’t know whether it was because of the fear of having a new life without him or because I’m losing him completely. “I liked you, Hyunjin. I really liked you.” It was more than just ache, I was wailing to let out the pain and everything else that kept my heart in a cage. I could sense his touch gradually getting away from me. I could sense him disappearing into thin air as my tears were heavy as falling down into the wooden platform in the dock. I desperately held on to myself instead of him, and crouched down as I felt myself losing all the strength. After everything, I still didn’t know whether he had heard my confession. But it was more than enough to get myself to admit it and let it all out. 

He was gone in seven seconds, but I’d need one more second to place him back in my heart again. I’d start anew not holding on to our memories but the lesson that I can find love like this. To be happy, just as he wished. He left me the second time but he was also right again, not in the sense of being together but living in separate ways. Seven was not right for us, Eight may be our fate.

We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light (All Too Well — Taylor Swift) I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone (Enchanted — Taylor Swift)

[fearlessbythebeach]

Seeing Inside-a supercat fanfic

Kara does have x ray vision but she doesn’t usually use it. It’s like stalking someone on Instagram. You feel guilty and it’s hard to face the person afterward. If you’re Kara that is.

Alex is a major social media stalker. She has whole playlists that are just songs other people listen to, and she shows no shame about liking someone’s photo from 2013.

“If I had super vision, I’d check people out sometimes,” said Alex. “Like Cat Grant.”

Kara giggled and blushed, smushing her face in her hands.

“No you wouldn’t!”

“If I were you I would. You stare at her butt enough anyway I’m surprised you don’t know what kind of underwear she wears,” Alex snickered. “Also I myself would like to know.”

“Nooo,” said Kara. “Stop it,”

The next day, Miss Grant was sitting on her chair, one high heel resting on the table, and she heard Alex’s words in her head. How bad could it be? Especially if she wasn’t caught.

Cat had on these grey boyshort panties. Not what she expected at all, and super hot. It matched her outfit of the day in a way, this black pinstripe suit dress, channeling Claudette Colbert in It Happened One Night.

Kara was staring at the underwear and how Cat’s legs moved under her skirt, forgetting to look away.

Cat quickly put her leg down, thinking maybe when it was up on the desk people could see her underwear for real.

“Kara, why are you looking at me like that?” asked Miss Grant.

“Fuck! Nothing! I mean no reason,” she trailed off.

“I didn’t you could curse,” said Cat. “You learn something new every day.”

Aagh Kara was right, now she couldn’t look her boss in the eye. But also now she couldn’t stop herself.

The next day, Cat was wearing her blue pencil skirt with her white long sleeve shirt tucked into it, showing her adorable, soft, tiny curves.

Kara saw her soft stomach, brushing against her shirt, her little round breasts and pointed nipples underneath a thin pink bra. The one nipple was halfway outside her bra, and if she looked closely, she could see it brushing against the white shirt, but she couldn’t do that, she’d be looking too hard, and then Miss Grant would know, and

“Well Kiera!” Miss Grant sighed. “I’m flattered but I don’t pay you to stare at me, go over my schedule for God’s sake!” Kara felt herself flush deep red with humiliation. Miss Grant gave her a smirk.

She looked again when Cat Grant sat down in her chair. This time she had these yellow panties riding up her ass, and good god she had a nice ass! It was so much bigger than Kara expected, and as Cat was absentmindedly swinging her legs to a song she was humming, it kept moving, so more of it was outside the underwear, softly leaning on her pencil skirt.

We know from the series but also from this story at this point, that Kara is not a subtle person. And she was once again caught.

“Kiera!” Snapped Miss Grant. “Tell me what the hell is going on with you lately.”

“Uh but I-“

“Now or you’re fired.”

Oh shit. She never should have let the idea get in her head, if no one talked to her about it, it wouldn’t have been so easy to carry out! It really wasn’t her fault, right?

“Oh god it’s all my fault,” said Kara.

“What is?” asked Cat concernedly. She lowered her voice. “Is it a supergirl thing?”

“Well kind of,” she said. Was she really going to tell her?

Cat knew Kara was supergirl ever since the bizzaro incident, where she doubted it for one crazy second, but then admitted she knew all along and would never tell a soul.

“I’m not going to tell you,” Kara said. “Sorry Miss Grant.”

“Oh does Sunny Danvers have a backbone now?” said Cat. “Hmm or maybe you don’t have enough of a backbone,” she tapped her finger on Kara’s collarbone area, “to tell me your little millennial problem.”

“Um, I never really used x ray vision and now I am and it’s giving me these problems and I saw your underwear!” Kara blurted out.

Cat’s eyes got big, a little blush dusted her cheeks and then she burst out laughing. The ice queen of National City burst out laughing.

“Oh my god,” she did this cute little snort. She had a high pitched sweet giggle Kara wanted to replay in her mind all day. “X ray, oh damnit, Kara darling.” She composed herself and took a breath.

“I want to make a deal with you,” she said. “If you saw my underwear, it’s only fair that I see yours.”

“I promise you, I’ll like it,” Cat purred in a sultry voice. Her sharp fingernails clutched the hem of Kara’s skirt.

“I didn’t really just see your underwear,” she said softly.

“Ohh you bad girl,” said Cat. “You’ll just have to bare your whole ass for me then, won’t you?”

“There are people looking through the window,” said Kara.

“Right,” Cat tsked. She ran her fingers across the hem of her skirt once more and stuck her cold hand up her warm shirt for a couple seconds, squeezed her skin, and said,

“There’s an empty floor a few floors down. Chop chop.”

They went in Cat’s private elevator. It smelled like lavender and snow and something sweetly unexpectedly Cat, like a bit of or banana bread or something.

“I’m going to have to punish you,” Miss Grant said. “I mean maybe I will,” she said more quietly.

“Oh yeah, I think you should,” Kara assured her. “I’m still going to feel really guilty otherwise.”

Cat snickered and the doors opened.

They were standing in the middle of the floor with all the empty desks. Cat stood on her tippy toes even though she didn’t need to and touched her chin. She let her hand wander down across her neck, her chest, her stomach, until she got to the hem of the skirt and yanked it down. The cold air blew on Kara’s ass and she felt it, she felt everything.

She gave her one hard slap and cleared her throat.

“Okay let’s go back to the office,” she said, like she regretted it, but she still had the deep honey in her voice.

“Let’s go back to the office, and do it again,” whispered Cat, and pressed a warm banana bread flavored kiss to her lips.

[elliebyrrdwrites]

Distantly, there’s a muffled voice. It’s like I’m stuff under water, stuck at the bottom of the seat and up above, there’s somebody shouting down at me. I can’t make out what they’re saying. I just know they’re trying to talk to me but I can’t make myself swim and break the surface.

My limbs are too heavy, like they’re full of lead. Vaguely, I’m aware of my cheek being slapped. There is no pain, I feel nothing. I’m not even fully inside of my body. The slaps increase, they grow firmer. Finally, I feel the sting of a palm cracking across my face. It’s hard enough to jolt my mind back into my body.

But I can’t open my eyes, they’re glued together and all of that gravel from last night is stuck inside of my throat, filling up my cheeks.

“Do you think you’re funny?” My father voice is loud, my head pulses with pain with each word he speaks.

My eyelids squeeze tighter together.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” His heel is digging into my thigh as he pushes and kicks at me, nudging me out of bed.

When I finally open my eyes, it feels like there’s sand and glue mixed together, fighting to keep them closed. Fuck me. I’ve always assumed, at some point, I’ve died.

But this is actual death. It feels like all of the blood has been drained from my body and filled with lead. It feels like my head is cracking open, exposing my skull, leaving it vulnerable for abuse.

Which is exactly what’s happening as my father’s hand smacks me over the top of the head. “How long have you been hiding this?”

I dodge his hand and pull myself out of bed, securely on the other side, away from him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I can barely get the words out, my head hurts so bad. I have to whisper just to not worsen the headache.

“You have made a fool out of yourself. You made a fool out of everyone!”

It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Your fiance has locked herself in her room, refusing to come out. She’s humiliated. Her father,” Guy, her father’s name is Guy Greengrass. What kind of a name is Guy? It’s like his parents ran out of ideas. If you say it enough times, it feels like you’re trying to clear a glob of peanut butter off the roof of your mouth.

Despite the pain of my head cracking open and my stomach rolling like I’m stuck on a boat in torrent seas, I can’t help but laugh. I can’t help the giggles that bubble their way up my throat because I just can’t figure out why he’s so upset. But, it’s quite lovely.

“You sneaky little cunt!”

My eyebrows push up into my forehead, and I have to flinch to ignore the pain. “Ooh!” I run a hand over my mouth. It’s starting to water. I think I’m going to throw up. “Such pretty language for such an old man.”

“You’ve been hiding her all this time, haven’t you?”

My laughter dies. Is he talking about Granger? All this time, I thought he was the one hiding her from me. The point is, he’s realized I’ve been lying to him. And now I know he hasn’t been able to find her, either. What a clever little witch.

“It doesn’t matter,” he hisses. “You’ve made it impossible to cover up.”

My stomach heaves, and my cheeks puff up. I close my eyes and wait for the wave of nausea to pass. When it does, I kept them closed. I’m afraid the world will spin if I open them. “Would you please just tell me what the fuck you are talking about?”

“You’re drunk.” He sniffs the air. “No wonder it stinks in here. It’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. Getting drunk and declaring your love for a filthy mudblood on the eve of your wedding. Were you trying to commit suicide?”

“Actually,” I crack an eye open. “I was drunk yesterday.” He’s holding the Prophet in his hand. It’s rolled up tight, like he’s about to beat me like a dog. “So, that would mean that I am hungover.”

The point is, my father’s jaw is so rigid, he’s probably cracking his molars. His grey eyes are murderous. “Malfoy’s don’t drink.”

“Well, I do. Seeing as I’m about to commit suicide of the soul by walking down that aisle, I figure last night was as good a time as any to start. Now,” I lift my chin, gesturing to the paper on his hand. “If you’re through with all this foreplay, would you mind handing that over, so I can figure out what the hell it is you’re talking about.”

Father sniffs. He lifts his chin and narrows his eyes on me before tossing the Prophet onto the bed, unrolling to expose the front page. The photo replays over and over, on the loop all magical photos do. And in this photo, there’s the store front of Flourish and Blotts. There’s flowers lining the front of the store. Hundreds of pink roses.

There’s me and a bucket of paint. Im holding this bucket of paint and my wand and on the shop windows, there’s words painted there. Like red blood, the paint drips from each letter.

The words blink like a flashing, and changing each time.

The photo plays on a loop and from start to finish, a smirk grows on my face as I stare at the windows. As I stare at the words, my eyes seem to glow like the moon.

Well, I have gone and done it now. I’ve vandalized the beloved book shop of Diagon Alley, and I can’t remember a lick of it, but I have to believe it. Because I look down at my body and there’s red paint smudged down the front of my shirt.

I laugh because now I know Guy Greengrass is going to kill me. My father is going to kill me.

That is, if Granger doesn’t kill me first.

Because the words flash from one phrase to the next;

From, granger, i love you

To

i fucked up

Little fucking Jonas Dart.

[sarahisgay01]

can i request a chrissy x f reader where the reader walks in on chrissy masturbating and punishes her via overstimulating her until she’s crying

I got you!! (Sorry this has taken me three months!!)

(P.S I set this up for a part 2. If you guys are interested in that, let me know in the comments or in my request box😊)

Minors DNI (18+ Only!!!!!)

Number One Rule

Sub!Chrissy x Dom!Fem!Reader

Notes: Chrissy and reader are in an established relationship. Both reader and Chrissy have a praise kink. Crying, overstimulation, humiliation, and slight degrading. (Let me know if I missed any)

It’s been a long day and all you want right now is for your girlfriend’s cheer practice to end. Earlier today, Chrissy said she’d call from the school before she was about to drive home. She knows it’ll take you a bit to get to her house and she wants you there as soon as possible. You’ve been waiting by the phone for the past 30 minutes, eager to hear a ring. Everything you needed to do before you had to leave you’ve already finished and you have nothing to distract you while you wait. You’re laying on your bed, hair sprawled out on the pillows and all that you can think about is Chrissy. Her hair. Her eyes. Her smile. Her body. Her. Your brain lingers on the thought of her body and now all you can think about is touching her. A few seconds later, the phone on your nightstand starts ringing. Your eyes shoot open and you jump from the unexpected sound of the ringing. The phone beside you only rings twice before you pick it up and say, “Hey, this is (Y/N).” Once Chrissy hears your voice, she smiles and says, “Hi, baby. I just wanted to tell you that practice ended. I’m about to head home if you still want to come over.” A wide smile appears on your face and you say, “Of course I do, sweetheart.” Chrissy blushes, then mumbles, “Okay” shyly and you wish you could see the color flush to her cheeks. You say, “I’ll be there in about 30 minutes, okay?” and Chrissy replies, “Okay. I’ll probably be in the shower when you get there-” A grin emerges on your face and you interrupt her saying, “Oh yeah?” She replies, “Mhmmm” and she smirks, knowing that she’s planted that image of her in your brain. Since the two of you have been dating for a little over six months, Chrissy knows just how to tease you. She looks around to see if anyone’s close by and after she sees the coast is clear, she says, “Are you picturing that, (Y/N)? Me completely naked in the shower as I let the water run down my body.” Your breath hitches at her words and you reply with a sarcastic, “I would- I would never do such a thing.” Chrissy giggles at her successful attempt to tease you and in response you groan, saying, “God I just want to touch you so bad.” She replies, “I know you do, baby. You’ll just have to wait though, now won’t you?” and another groan was about slip from your lips, but you held it back. You decide that two can play at this game and you say, “Hmmm, someone’s being a little bratty, don’t you think? I’d hate to have to punish you tonight, sweetheart. All I want is to make you feel good. I just want to kiss those perfect lips of yours and run my hands all over your soft, smooth skin. Then I’ll use my mouth and my tongue to make you cum over and over again. I bet you’d like that huh?” Through the other line you can hear Chrissy’s breathing picking up and her exhales are shaky. Before she can respond, you say, “But I can’t do any of that if you’re not going to be a good girl for me.” She whines as she hears the words leave your mouth and she says, “Okay”, sounding defeated. Chrissy takes a few deep breaths to compose herself, then says, “Since I’ll be in the- in the shower, you can use the key under the front door mat to let yourself in.” You ask, “Can your parents not just let me in?” and Chrissy says, “They’re actually out of town for the next few days, so I have the whole house to myself.” You smirk at her response and say, “Are they now? That means you can be as loud as you want for me baby.” A small whine is all you can hear from the opposite line. You say, “Anyway, I love you and I’ll see you soon, angel.” Chrissy replies, “I love you too, bye baby” and then she hangs up. You smile, not only cause you’re excited to see your girlfriend, but also because you know just how much your words have affected her already.

Before Chrissy called, you had already gotten yourself dressed and ready to leave, other than shoes. You quickly get out of your bed and slip on a pair from your closet. Prior to heading downstairs, you check yourself in the mirror and fix your hair a bit. After messing with it for a few seconds, you grab your bag with stuff you needed to stay the night at Chrissy’s and leave your room, turning off the light behind you. You scurry down the stairs and when you arrive in the kitchen to grab your keys, you see your parents in the living room watching tv. They turn to look at you and not giving them the opportunity to ask questions, you say, “I’m heading over to Chrissy’s and I’m going to spend the night there.” Neither one of them knows about your relationship with Chrissy, so you spending the night there doesn’t raise any red flags. In fact, both your parents actually love Chrissy and your mom says, “Oh! Tell her I say hi.” As you grab your keys to leave your mom says, “I hope you two have fun tonight!” and you reply, “Oh, I think we will.” Your keys are in your grasp and while quickly moving towards the door, you shout “Bye! Love you!” You hear both your parents shout back as the front door slams behind you. After unlocking your car, you toss your overnight bag in the backseat, then get in. You put your key into the ignition, turn on the radio, and smile while pulling out of the driveway.

On her way home, Chrissy could not stop thinking about what you said. She kept thinking about your hands all over her body and how good you always make her feel. As she was driving home from school, her imagination was starting to make her antsy and squirmy. She starts muttering to herself, “Need to be a good girl. Need to be good for (Y/N)” and repeats it a few times, trying to convince herself. Chrissy knows you’ll punish her if she touches herself, she’d be breaking your number one rule. The more she thinks about it, the more she starts thinking that the reward outweighs the consequence. She thinks, “What if (Y/N) doesn’t find out? I can quickly do it in the shower before she gets here.” A quiet and mumbled, “Yeah” leaves her lips, deciding that she’s going to be sneaky. Within a minute or so, Chrissy pulls her car into her driveway, quickly grabs all her stuff, and locks her car. Despite being tired from practice, she practically sprints inside, then kicks off her shoes and locks the door behind her. She runs up her stairs to her bathroom and starts the water for her shower. While she’s waiting for the water to warm up, articles of clothing are flying everywhere as Chrissy is rushing to take everything off. Once she’s fully naked, she extends her hand into the shower to get a feel for the water. It’s at the perfect temperature, so she hops in and tries her best to wash her hair and body efficiently. It only took her around 20 minutes to get all cleaned up and before Chrissy executes her plan, she debates with her conscience. She’s standing under the shower head, letting the water run down her body and when she closes her eyes, all she can picture is you touching her. As she stands there, Chrissy thinks about what you’d do if you caught her and how embarrassing it’d be. The embarrassment and your reaction only made her want to do it more. Chrissy mutters, “Fuck it” and moves to lean against the wall of the shower. One of her hands flies in between her legs and her index finger finds her clit with ease. The initial contact elicited a soft and relieved sounding moan from her parted lips. She starts to move her finger in small, tight circles on her clit and little moans leave her lips every now and then. After a few minutes, Chrissy starts to gradually speed up the movements on her clit. A loud moan escapes from her lips after her finger brushes her clit in the perfect way. The pleasure feels so good and countless moans are slipping from Chrissy’s lips. She can feel herself getting close and all she wants right now is to cum.

When you arrive at Chrissy’s house, you park in the driveway beside her car and quickly grab your stuff. You subtly lift up her front door mat, grab the key and successfully unlock Chrissy’s front door. After opening it, you put the key back, then go inside and slip your shoes off. You run upstairs with your bag and on your way up the stairs, you can hear the shower water running. A devilish grin appears on your face and on your way to the bathroom, you toss your bag onto the floor of Chrissy’s room. When you get to the closed bathroom door, you grab the knob and say “Hi angel, I’m-”, while entering. Your greeting was cut short by your own gasp at the sight in front of you. Chrissy was leaning against her shower wall, one hand between her legs and the other playing with one of her nipples. Her eyes are closed and she’s so focused on her chase for pleasure that she didn’t even notice you walked in. It wasn’t until you turned off the shower that she opened her eyes and when she did, she had guilt written all over her face. Chrissy’s mouth opens and closes, trying to find an excuse, but her mind was blank. You harshly yank the wrist of the hand that’s in between her legs away her and she whimpers. She says, “(Y/N) I’m-”, but you interrupt her saying, “No. I don’t want to hear your excuse, Chrissy. I know you. You’re smart and I know you’re highly aware of my number one rule. You know how I know you’re aware?” When Chrissy just continues to look at you, you raise your eyebrow at her, signaling for her to answer. She mumbles a shaky and cracked, “Why?” You reply, “The way you looked at me when you opened your eyes.” Chrissy’s gaze shifts to the shower floor and you continue on, “Yeah. So you know what you did was wrong, but you did it anyway.” You grab Chrissy’s chin with your index finger and thumb, directing her line of sight back to you and she whimpers. Once her eyes are looking into yours, you notice that her pupils are not only blown wide, but there’s something else there. Your eyes linger on hers, trying to figure it out. You think for a minute and then the lightbulb went off in your head, you ask Chrissy, “Did you- Did you want me to catch you?” Chrissy’s entire face turns beet red and she mumbles, “I- I thought about it.” Your mouth falls open for a moment, then you smile saying, “Oh my god, you did!” Somehow, her face got even redder and the embarrassment was making her arousal practically flood out of her. Chrissy clamps her thighs together and you chuckle, then say, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? I bet your cute little clit is throbbing and aching right now, huh?” A loud whine leaves Chrissy’s lips as she nods her head rapidly. You chuckle at her again and ask, “Are you nodding to both or just one of them, sweetheart? I’d answer wisely if I were you.” Chrissy whines again, then replies with a mumbled, “B-Both.” You smile and say, “Ah, there’s my good girl.” Her eyes soften ever so slightly at your praise and you say, “Be a good girl and dry yourself off so I can punish you.” You reach over beside you and grab her towel, then hand it to her. She whimpers and says, “Yes (Y/N).” You take a few steps back and Chrissy gets out of the shower to dry herself off. Then she brushes her hair before you grab her wrist and lead her into her bedroom.

You guide Chrissy into her bedroom and once she’s inside, you close the door behind her. Suddenly, Chrissy finds herself pinned against the door and she whines. Her wrists are pinned by her side as you start to nip at and suck marks onto her neck. Chrissy was letting out shaky breaths and occasional whines. After leaving a couple marks on her neck, her thighs are practically glued together as she looks for any sort of relief. Once you notice, you part her legs with one of your own and Chrissy loudly whines, “(Y/N) no! Please no! Please!” You whisper in her ear, “Maybe you should have thought about this before you decided to disobey me” and she whines again. You pull your head away from her, still keeping her wrists pinned and legs spread, then say, “When I let go of your wrists I want you to be a good girl for me and go lay on your bed, flat on your back. Do you think you can do that for me, sweetheart?” Chrissy starts rapidly nodding her head and replies, “Yes! I promise to be a good girl for you, (Y/N)! I promise!” You furrow your brows and in a condescending tone say, “Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that now, baby?” She whimpers and you say, “You did this to yourself”, eliciting another whimper from her. You release her wrists from your grasp and watch as Chrissy bolts across the room to her bed. She situates herself how you told her to and you say, “What a good girl, sweetheart.” Chrissy can feel the praise go right to her clit, making it ache and throb more. She whines and you chuckle as you start to walk towards her. You say, “It’s so cute how worked up you get just by my words” and when you finish your sentence, you’re at the edge of the bed, towering over your girlfriend. The new angle makes you look her up and down, admiring her beautiful body as it lays beneath you. Her legs are clamped shut and you harshly push them apart, causing a sound mixed between a whine and a moan to escape from her lips. You crawl in between her legs and situate yourself so you’re sitting on your heels. As you move your hands to slightly hover her chest, you can feel Chrissy’s eyes watching your every move. You flick your eyes up to look into hers and the expression in hers makes your panties wetter than they already were. Chrissy’s eyes were glassy and they made her desperation all the more visible. She whines as your hands are just inches away from her chest, but not touching her. Seconds later you finally lower them and start kneading her breasts, giving your girlfriend some relief. Her eyes shut and a moan of relief leaves her lips. You say, “Does that feel good, baby?” She nods her head and says, “Y-Yes, (Y/N). So g-.” Right as she was about to finish her sentence, you pinch both her nipples and a high pitched moan leaves her lips. You move your hands to your side and Chrissy’s eyes shoot open as she whines. With a wide smirk on your face you say, “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t quite understand you.” She whines again and replies, “I said it- I said it felt g-good.” Acting oblivious, you respond saying, “Ohhhh, I’m sorry sweetheart. I just wanted to make sure I was making you feel good.” Chrissy keeps her lips sealed tightly, not wanting to say anything that could make you stop touching her all together. You put your hands back, but instead of kneading her breasts you’re now rolling both her nipples with your thumbs and index fingers. Chrissy’s letting out shaky breaths and little moans with her eyes squeezed shut. You pinch her nipples again, this time harder than the last and she whimpers. Reflexively she tries to shut her legs together, but she’s blocked by yours. You chuckle at her while she whines and searches for any sort of friction unsuccessfully.

You return back to rolling her nipples between your fingers, then you lower your head. While her eyes are closed, you point your tongue and flick one of her nipples with it. Chrissy gasps and when she opens her eyes she finds your mouth hovering over her breast. You start rapidly flicking her nipple eliciting moan after moan from your girlfriend. Then, you take it into your mouth and suck on it. Louder moans escape Chrissy’s mouth and by the time you’re finished playing with her breasts her pussy is drenched with her arousal. One of your hands trails in between her legs and you moan as you feel just how soaked she is. Chrissy lets out a loud moan of relief as she feels your finger where she needs it most. Her moan soon turns into a whimper as your finger leaves again. You say, “You’re so wet for me, sweetheart” and Chrissy whines. She opens her eyes to find you holding your drenched finger in front of your mouth. You look into her eyes and say, “I wonder how you taste” and she watches as your finger slips past your lips and into your mouth. A smile cracks from your lips and you hum at the sweet taste of her arousal in your mouth. You say, “Mmmmm you taste so good, baby. So so good. So sweet for me” Chrissy whimpers and you see tears starting to form from her need to be touched. She mutters, “(Y/N) please” and you say, “So desperate that you have to beg, huh?” Chrissy rapidly nods her head and says, “So des- So desperate, (Y/N)! Need you so b-bad! Please! Please (Y/N)! Please!” You take some pity on her and move your finger to her clit, then start to rub it in a small circle. Another loud moan of relief leaves her lips and she loudly moans out, “Th-Thank y-you (Y/N)! Thank you!” You continue rubbing her clit and when her legs start to shake, you retract your hand. Chrissy whimpers beneath you and you just watch as she slowly begins to crumble. After waiting a minute or so, you start your movements again. A few minutes pass and Chrissy says, “I’m- I’m- I’m cl-close! (Y/N), I’m cl-close! Please! Please let me c-cum! Please!” You retract your hand again, making her eyes squeeze shut and her hands start white knuckling her sheets. Chrissy whimpers and mutters, “I was- I was s-so cl-close.” You pout and say, “Aw, I’m sorry baby. Maybe you should have been a good girl and not broke my number one rule.” A few tears roll down her cheeks and you condescendingly say, “Aw sweetheart, are you crying?” Your tone only summoned more tears and you say, “Aw my poor baby’s so desperate to cum that she’s crying. How precious.” She whimpers while crying and this continues for over an hour. Chrissy has tear stains on her cheeks and she’s not sure how much more of this torture she can endure. You start your movements on her clit again and when her legs start to shake, you say, “Be a good girl for me and beg for me to let you cum.” Chrissy begs you as if her life depended on it, she says, “(Y/N) please let me cum! Please! I’ll be- I’ll be so good! I’ll do- I’ll do whatever you want! Please! I need to- I need to cum so bad, please! I’m so- I’m so close, please! Please (Y/N), please!” Tears start rolling down her cheeks and she keep repeating, “Please! (Y/N) please!” You can tell that Chrissy’s at her edging limit and you say, “Be a good girl and cum for me, sweetheart.” Your movements on her clit speed up and she loudly moans out, “Fuck (Y/N)! Fuck! (Y/N)! (Y/N)! (Y/N)!” With the last moan of your name Chrissy’s body goes stiff and her mouth stays open as she finally cums.

Chrissy’s panting beneath you and you give her a couple seconds to catch her breath before continuing. As she catches her breath, you move your head so that it’s in between her legs. When your eyes fall upon Chrissy’s pussy, not only do you moan, but you feel your arousal practically swimming in panties. You say, “Holy shit babe. I knew you were wet, but I didn’t know you were this wet. Getting caught really did turn you on, huh?” When she doesn’t respond you flick your eyes up and see her face is beet red again. You chuckle at her and say, “We’ll circle back to that a different day, yeah? I have some ideas, but right now”, then you pause. One of your fingers lightly runs up and down her pussy, causing her body to twitch. You finish your previous sentence saying, “Right now, I’m going to focus on this soaking wet pussy of yours.” She whines, but not for very long because soon after your tongue is lapping at her clit. Chrissy’s hips reflexively buck up, but you grip her thighs apart, then push them into the mattress. Your grip is harsh and your nails are digging into the meaty flesh of her thighs, eliciting a loud moan from your girlfriend. She moans out, “S-So good, (Y/N)! You’re d-doing soooooo g-good!” and her praise is making your panties stick to you like glue. Your tongue starts to move faster and when Chrissy’s legs started to shake more, you knew she was close. Instead of continuing to lap at her clit, you take your mouth, then latch around it and begin sucking on it. Chrissy screams out, “Oh fuck (Y/N)! Oh my god! Oh my god, (Y/N)! Fuck! I’m gonna- I’m gonna!” You release your grip on one of her thighs for just a second, only so you can take two fingers and tap her thigh, signaling to her that she’s allowed to cum. Her mouth is hung open and she chants your name over and over again until it cracks halfway through as her orgasm makes her breath hitch in her throat. You release your mouth and lap at her clit until her orgasm is completely ridden out. You move your head a few inches back, then take two fingers and slide them inside her sopping entrance with ease. Chrissy’s moans out, “Fuck” and you start to move your fingers in a rhythm you know she likes. As time passes, you gradually speed up your movements and after only a couple minutes Chrissy’s legs are spasming. Her mouth hangs open as your fingers are quickly making their way in and out of her entrance. You curl your fingers, hitting that special spot inside her that makes her scream and she does. She screams your name as you continue to curl your fingers and after the third time, she’s screaming your name as she cums on your fingers. This time you don’t give her time to catch her breath, you continue working your fingers inside of her and you hear Chrissy mutter, “(Y/N), sensi- sensitive. T-Too m-muc-much.” You can hear in her voice that she’s on the verge of crying from overstimulation. Her attempt to get you to stop only makes you laugh and you reply, “I thought you wanted to cum sweetheart? I’m only giving you what you asked for.” You watch as tears start to roll down her cheeks and you say, “Aw, are you crying cause I’m making you feel too good, baby?” You knew she couldn’t respond before you asked the question and you grin knowing you fucked your girlfriend dumb. More tears roll down her cheeks and you switch your movements so your fingers are now roughly pounding into Chrissy’s entrance. She starts loudly sobbing and you say, “You’re taking my fingers so well, baby. Being such a good girl for me.” You curl your fingers again and she screams a sob while her body goes stiff. She climaxes again and bawls as she continues to get overstimulated.

Chrissy thought that you were done, that you were just going to clean her up now. She was wrong. Your fingers pick up the same rhythm from before and she’s loudly sobbing. Then, you move your head closer to her pussy and start lapping at her clit again, this time in rhythm with your fingers. Chrissy’s now screaming out her sobs and tears are streaming down her cheeks. After less than a minute Chrissy’s whole body is shaking and seconds later she lets out a loud scream as her orgasm rips through her body. After lapping at her clit a few more times, you remove your fingers and Chrissy screams from the emptiness inside her. You move your fingers up by her mouth and say, “Shhhhh, it’s okay sweetheart. It’s all done. Your punishment’s all done. You were such a good girl for me and took your punishment so well. Always such a good girl. You wanna suck on my fingers while I clean you up, baby?” Chrissy opens her eyes to find your fingers already over by her mouth and she weakly nods. She attempts to say something, but it’s unintelligible and you disregard it once you watch her mouth open for your fingers. You place them inside her mouth and feel her tongue swirl around them. While she works on cleaning your fingers, you take your tongue and start cleaning up her wetness and cum without overstimulating her any further. When you’re done, you slide your fingers out of her mouth and crawl up the bed until your face is leveled with Chrissy’s. She’s still crying and you lean down to give her the sweetest and most gentle kiss. Then you say, “I’ll be right back, okay? I’m just going to get a towel to finish cleaning you up.” Chrissy weakly nods and you quickly head back to the bathroom to grab a towel. On your way back you wipe your own face and hands, then when you return you finishing cleaning Chrissy up. After you finish, you toss the towel onto the floor along with all of your clothes and move to lay beside Chrissy. With the pads of your thumbs you wipe her tears away, then move to lay flat with your head propped up on some pillows. She curls her head into your chest while stilling crying, but no longer sobbing. Chrissy sniffles every now and then and you just comb your fingers through her hair whispering sweet things to her in hopes to calm her down. About fifteen minutes later her crying stops and you can tell she’s exhausted. Chrissy looks up at you and mumbles, “(Y/N)?” at a whisper. You reply in a tone that’s so sweet that it’d be laced in sugar, “Hmmm. What is it, angel?” Chrissy mumbles, “(Y/N), ‘m sorry” and your eyes soften more than they were. You reply, “It’s okay, sweetheart. You learned your lesson, right?” Immediately Chrissy starts nodding her head and says, “I did, (Y/N)! I did, I swear! I swear I did!” She starts to get worked up again and you say, “Shhhhh, it’s okay baby. Calm down for me, okay? I believe you. I believe you, baby.” She starts to calm down after feeling your arm tightly wrap around her and you say, “You should get some rest, angel.” Right after the sentence leaves your lips Chrissy yawns and she hums while nuzzling her face impossibly deeper into your chest. You comb your fingers through her hair as Chrissy succumbs to sleep within the matter of a few minutes. Not too long after, you drift into a sleep as well with your hand in her hair and your other arm still tightly wrapped around her, drawing her closer to you. When you both wake up, the two of you throw on some clothes and go make yourselves dinner. After dinner, Chrissy’s determined and insistent on showing you just how sorry she is about breaking your number one rule.

I hope you liked it!!🥺💖

[candiid-caniine]

Lol I have no experience with anything sex/kink related. I grew up really sheltered and I’ve never had a partner or tried anything at all. Do you have any advice in where I should start? I’m completely clueless on everything but your kinks sound really interesting. Like I want to edge myself but I don’t even know how to make myself cum-

ouuhh one sheltered kid to another I feel this hard 😭

so I would definitely start with making yourself cum!....unless the idea of not even doing that is hotter to you. I had a series of asks on here that was basically about what if I'd never even learned how and was convinced that my edges were orgasms...or something...it was super hot lol.

if you decide you want the good shit so you know what you're denying yourself, spend a lot of time w your body and enjoy it! if your home environment drove home ideas of sexuality as shameful, like mine did, unlearning that will be a must. again, unless that's. hot to you. tbh getting off on feeling guilty came long before my unlearning of the shame bc I was such a humiliation slut lmaooo.

if you decide not to cum before you learn to edge, a) you are so much hotter than me holy fuck and b) with the added challenge that it'll be hard to know if ur doing it right. my advice would be that if your core muscles start tightening/fluttering, and your heart rate picks up, you're at or near the edge. you can choose to stop there, or you can push it.

more advice on how to edge/how to find a way that works for you is under the #advice tag.

general kink safety is below the cut. it's a little overkill but I have a passion for this 💕

at the very end of the general safety advice, there's a bunch of tips for finding out more about what kinds of kinks are out there and how to find out what you like! it's just all a bit long so I spoilered it!

when it comes to kink in general...allow me to warn you. ppl like us, who come from sheltered home environments, are often the most vulnerable to abuse in sexual situations because we don't really know what we're "allowed." ESP in kink situations, where a power dynamic is an easy way for an abuser to excuse their actions or coerce consent. I've been a victim of this before. it is VITAL to your safety and mental health to learn to set firm boundaries in kink, in sex, and in relationships if you're looking for partners. for every play partner I've had since I even opened this blog, for every one who's on the level and communicative and ethical, there have been 5 attempts to coerce control or blatantly cross boundaries. I'm not even exaggerating the ratio. for every partner I play online with, there are at least 5 more I have blocked.

it's really hard if you're a sub to learn these things. but you have to be bossy and vocal and on guard before you give your submission to people. hear this: NOBODY "deserves" your submission. your submission is a motherfucking privilege, babe.

to get started on these important boundary setting skills, here are some recommended search terms:

"bdsm red flags" - mine include trying to petname/rolename me in the first interaction, issuing commands before an agreement is reached, and bragging about "convincing" unwilling subs to do certain things. and yes, they really do that, and it really is often.

"bdsm contract examples" - while contracts may seem unsexy, and they're certainly not a must, they are a good way to summarize what a conversation between two consenting partners about goals and boundaries should look like.

"how to spot abusive doms" and "how to spot abusive subs."

"how to know if I'm being coerced" and "how to know if I'm being gaslit."

"RACK vs. SSC." these are two frameworks for gauging ethics and safety in kink.

I don't want to scare you. this is a good community once you learn to filter out the bad folks, but it is very important to protect yourself. say it with me: YOU decide your sexual boundaries, not the other party. ever. even if they're your dom.

finally, some fun stuff for beginning kinksters:

the kink test - there are a few comprehensive bdsm "personality" tests. will help you gauge if you're more a sub, dom, or switch, or if that changes based on the general theme of your kinks.

browsing kink lists on FetLife - fet does require you to make a profile with some bssic info, but afaik you can choose your visibility settings. it's been awhile since I've been on there, but you can learn about a lot of kinks you didn't know existed!

finally, just browsing on here lmfao. it can be hard to navigate, since the tags for a lot of adult content are censored pretty heavily, but here's what I do: if you come across a kinky post you like, click into it's notes and then click on any blog that's reblogged it or that seems to have a username related to it. usually that person will have similar content on their blog! if you need a starting point, my side blog @basement-angel has posts similar to what I post here, many of which i found with the notes trick. an ask I answered recently has my list of recommended reading if you like this blog, under #advice!

sorry if I overwhelmed you with info haha! autist here, kink is one of my special interests and keeping subs safe in the hellhole of dominant abuse is my passion.

please, don't let this scare you. once you learn to filter out what doesn't work, the connections you make in this game are so, so fulfilling - or not! maybe you realize through experimentation that kink, or even partnered sexual interaction in general, isn't for you, but that's so fucking valuable. learning Abt your own sexuality is such an amazing journey, and I'm excited and proud of you that you get to start :)

[kovacs-of-courage]

Rings of Pressure--A Stream of Consciousness

I’m half and half on whether I should apologize in advance for this word salad.

----------------

Do you ever have a visual, thought clear as crystal, that won’t leave your head.

And I don’t mean a vested interest in a fictional character or setting, while what I’m about to say has much to do with fictional creations, I mean something that just won’t tear itself from your mind regardless of any joy obtained. The kind of thing that steers into focus like a deer who just can’t stop leaping into headlights.

I’ve decided to make a stream-of-consciousness post about this experience of mine because I hope putting it to paper will help me sleep better at night. Articulating in a fashion comparable to the rambling homeless man at the bus stop might give me ammunition to put it to rest.

Also, to preface the ranting ahead, I don’t really expect anyone to read this and go “Wow, I completely and totally understand what he’s saying, his criss-crossing incoherent rants are entirely grasped!” I’ve spent my whole life, whether due to neurodivergency or my own ineptitude, being told the things I say don’t make sense. The reality of that happening again and again is a fact of life I’ve long come to peace with.

Anyways, onto what I wanted to talk about.

Everyone handles and copes with stress in their own ways, some objectively healthier and saner then others. I grew up in a very stressful, poor environment growing up. The harsher, trigger warning details aside, I ended up as a kid who imagined scenes in my head with my favorite characters to sleep at night. Sometimes things would get bad enough that I’d try to work through them as the characters, or more commonly picture a scenario where the characters were in a situation of equal pressure.

Comics and their heroes were the biggest outlet for this, I remember being miserable and abused and eleven years old thinking of how the constant trainwrecks of humiliation and mental anguish from family and school was like the bizarro over-the-top deathtraps that Batman was put into.

See, in Batman comics and media, there’d be these moments where the World’s Greatest Detective was trapped in truly desperate, unwinnable scenarios. He could have cinderblocks chained to his feet, stuck in a sealed chamber with water rising a dozen feet by the second, motorized sawblades dropping down from the ceiling for good measure--sure to turn him into a crimson stew upon contact.

Or maybe Batman would be hunted down by a legion of heavily armed criminals, his utility belt gone, ribs cracked and energy drained to the final morsel, and the time upon their discovery of his position quickly closing in.

It’d be these impossible situations, often the subject of cliffhangers for the next issue/episode. Makes the viewer think “Wow, there’s no way he can escape this time, I mean how is he going to get himself out of that?”

And then Batman did, everytime.

The comparison to these horrible fictional deathtraps was a morbid connection for my younger self to make, I’m aware, though framing my worst pits of despair in this context gave me some measure of hope. The characters I loved so much could always turn the tables on their foes, change the odds in their favor, and that was enough to keep me from ending myself for several years of my life.

Swear to god that this context is important, it has a point, just bear with me.

As I grew up, I never really let go of that coping mechanism; imagining my old friends of heroes in these nail biting situations, the danger and threats creating an external stress comparable to the sheer internal existential dread and misery I might feel at any moment of the day. It’s the idea that if they can expertly navigate the sawblades, the overlapping fields of deadly gunfire, the many deadly enemies that want them six feet under--then maybe I can navigate my problems too.

I don’t like to talk to people much about my stresses and issues, even close friends, so this coping mechanism fills that void of companionship too in a sense. When I was young, I didn’t have people to talk too about issues without fear of being berated or ruthlessly put down and mocked. I figured that my fictional heroes wouldn’t mock me for these stresses, that while they’d never be real, they could be a vehicle in which I coped with my own torments.

A childish and immature gesture, I’m well aware. I don’t plan on doing anything about it anytime soon.

The most recent of these stress-coping imagined scenes my mind wanders too is related to the hero who’s imagined I hopefully tagged in this text post: Green Lantern.

Green Lantern is a simple character to understand here, I mean how complicated could a guy with a magic green ring get? (The answer to that question is Very, but let’s pretend otherwise)

The basics of GL is that his ring runs on willpower, that he can create anything his mind can conjure when he uses it. So say he creates a wall, if a giant truck runs into that wall, it takes his entire being and mental strength to not only make the wall of light in the first place, but to keep it stable after said truck just crashed head-first into it.

Think of a GL’s willpower as mental stamina, of strength of the spirit made glistening emerald reality.

A Green Lantern’s Ring is referred to as “The strongest weapon in the universe” because it allows the user to create anything as long as the ring is charged and their willpower strong. It can move mountains, construct cities of verdant light, manifest weapons of mass destruction, it’s only limited by the user.

And that’s the interesting, human element. The User.

There are these scenes in Green Lantern Comics and Media where an inconceivably powerful threat, whether that be an act of cosmic nature or a super villain, or even a god, is barelling towards GL. GL, at the end of the day, is a person wielding the magic rings of magic rings--nevertheless, they have to act.

GL realizes that their only hope is to delay, contain, and stall. That the threat pushing to destroy innocents and personally rend them atom from rebellious atom is going to overwhelm whatever moral willpower that can fuel their sparkling fingerwear with. There’s this one scene from a justice league animated film, where the sun is sending out a massive solar flare to earth, capable of burning the planet pole-to-pole as a charred crispy orb.

The JL need time to figure out a solution, so GL comes to back, manifesting this massive wall of viridescent light in a futile, suicidal attempt to buy his comrades more time. The wave of sunfire meets his dam in full force, punching cracks and nestling dents across the construct.

The camera would cut back to GL, sweat trickling down his face, hair matted to forehead, pushing his every iota of mental and physical strength into maintaining this wall against a force that will inevitably overcome it. It shows the wall breaking more so, second by second of the earth’s emerald shield deteriorating as GL pulls forth his entire being into his ring.

Those scenes always struck a chord with me, and I don’t wholly know why. The scene that my mind’s obsession targets, however, is this one, which I saved as a gif.

It’s a simple scene, of GL fighting this thunder god super villain Black Adam(the comic version, not the rock). He creates barrier after barrier to defend himself from a being who’s more living pantheon then mortal man. This almighty bastion of strength and malicious fervor, gunning to kill him.

And again, GL is just a person with the magic ring of magic rings, it’s his inner strength and willpower which defines his survival

You see the shields face, shattering to glass, Black Adam tackling him to the ground. Cracking his human fingers like paperweights, GL on the losing side of this physical struggle. In the end GL loses, he doesn't make it out of this scene alive even. I don't know why my brain fixates on it. I'm constantly stressed, stressed in the backround of my calmest moments. It's a dull kind of stress, a stress that I learned to live with a long time ago. It's the type of numb stress and anxiety that makes you okay with the idea of getting into a car crash, because you won't need to worry about it anymore. When I close my eyes, I think about this scene with GL and Black Adam all the fucking time, it's maddening. It's a short clip from a trailer of a game that no one remembers nor cares about. I sound like a lunatic transmitting my stress and problems through this vehicle. I think of GL creating those barriers, one after another, maybe each is stronger then the last. I think of how what kills him breaks through anyway, I think of the futility of even trying, how the futility is WHY he tries. I think of my own anxieties and fears, that I hate talking about, the idea that I'm going to be on my own handling them like GL is here. I close my eyes and I think of the emerald barriers, failing to stop the threat, that every night I keep making more and every night they keep breaking. That I spend my whole life building walls that my own issues shatter like glass, that the work is meaningless, that my struggles have been this constant mental fight since I could imagination a world outside my continued myopic miseries.

The analogy is insane, the idea of using a magic ring to ward off these issues that, within the structure of this comparison, will be my end regardless, doubly so.

I keep thinking about these rings of stress, of these barriers that keep breaking and being rebuilt. Every day what remains bottled is fought internally throughout the night.

And I always, without fail, lose. I never beat these stresses, these fears, I just keep making more barriers to protect myself. The death trap has morphed into a rigged cage match, the framing turned against me. At the end of it all, I never find out if the thing smashing the barriers does me in, it's just my assumption. I only end up in the cycle of defending myself...from myself.

I'm not looking for advice on how to handle these issues, I don't know what I'm looking for.

[ploffskinpluffskin]

i may never have the actual courage to put myself Out There and post this particular story where anyone can see it (aka ao3 hhh) but it did make me smile while writing it

The problem, Natori had long concluded, was that Claudius was not handsome. Had he been even the slightest bit charming, or dashing, or even just relatively well-groomed, then perhaps Natori’s stubborn fondness for the cat might have been easy to explain away as mere infatuation. Certainly it would have left him feeling about as frivolous as a lovelorn schoolgirl, but it at least would not be some frustrating, unexplainable mystery.

Today the lavender-coated cat comes sauntering into the dusty church with a large, wolfish grin, stopping before Natori where he is counting their paltry collection of coins only so he can lean smugly against the doorway and wait. Natori eyes him with as much preemptive exasperation as he can muster (...which isn’t much, much to his own private dismay), and excuses his helper (who, also much to his private despair, regards the pair of them with a look that reads as unreasonably knowing). 

“Toldja I’d come back, babe,” Claudius says when they’re left alone.

“No,” Natori begins sharply, nearly interrupting him. “You told me specifically you were not coming back last time. I remember quite vividly.”

“Bahh, I was just mad. You know I can’t stay away from my favorite bump in the road.” Here Claudius moves closer, paying no mind to Natori’s own prim body language, slipping an arm across the other cat’s shoulders and pulling him close with a light hip check. “I’d get too sad.”

“Well, we can’t have that, I suppose.”

“Nope.”

“And I suppose this new wanted poster I’ve seen around has nothing to do with your impromptu arrival. Just a coincidence that you come back to where you can claim sanctuary just as you’re running from the bureau again?”

“Aw, babe, you’re killin’ me. I’m all genuine, promise.”

“Hm. And just what did you do this time to have their dubious attention?”

Here the other cat leans back, evidently finding the wall a better support for this particular position.

“Eh. You know.”

“I don’t.”

“Well, it’s not important.” Spoken hastily, in an all too telling fashion which Claudius doesn’t appear to recognize as such.

“No?” Natori looks up to fix his smug guest with an eyebrow raised over the flattest gaze he can currently manage, and he must manage it rather well since Claudius responds to it by fidgeting with his paws before he seems to realize what he’s doing. “I would never have imagined you as the type to ever say no to a rousing story.”

Most likely appearing more confident and nonchalant than he feels, Natori leans forward against the table he’d been previously counting coins upon, settling his chin against the butt of his paw.

“What inconceivably humiliating mishap must have occurred, I wonder, to make you reluctant to indulge in a little tall tale.”

Claudius huffs, glaring stormily at the paw he’s currently drawing circles on. 

“Sure doing your damnedest to make me regret coming back, babe,” he eventually grumbles under his breath testily. Here Natori finally smiles at him, cool but undeniably affectionate, despite himself.

“You say the same thing every time, and yet here you are.”

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” Claudius sulks.

“That you might loiter here for reasons other than my use as a bump in the road? Never.”

“Good. Glad we're all copacetic on the matter,” Claudius responds first briskly. At least before he adds moments later, almost mopily, “... the view isn't bad either.”

A long silence passes between them after that, Natori abruptly aware of how he is stretched across the table and wondering furiously to himself whether Claudius’ words were intended to be read as an innuendo. The other cat doesn’t leave him long to wonder— padding over, leaning forward so that they’re nearly nose to nose, and all with a wide, suggestive grin plastered upon his face.

“I think you’re happier to see me than I am to see you, babe. I can tell.”

Not that long ago, Natori would have felt quite scandalized by that. He would have recoiled, bitten off some panicked, impulsive denial, and Claudius would have been left nursing a massively bruised ego. They might even have argued bitterly, to the point that Natori might be left wondering if the other would ever return. 

Here, now, still at least patently unsure what to say, how to say it, he manages only a soft amusement, a slightly crooked look of knowing concession. And the effect must be rather novel, as Claudius remains in his spot as if mesmerized for a fleeting moment, and then hastily pushes himself back up again. Natori is not quite so eager to return to propriety, and is even bold enough to take a moment to stretch before straightening. There’s a mute warmth which has settled in his chest, a familiar comfort he’s in no hurry to analyze or dislodge.

“You haven’t had a meal in a while, have you.” It’s not a question. Claudius’ sheepish hemming and hawing is answer enough. Whatever he tries to say This is about in an attempt to seem the suave, rakish charmer he very much isn’t, Natori knows it ultimately comes down to the food.

It’s as they’re moving further into the church, Claudius quite uncharacteristically trailing behind in a dutiful manner, that the fluffier of the two tries, “Warmed up to me pretty quick this time, you know, babe,” in an attempt to salvage that aforementioned pretense. “I didn’t get you into some trouble last time, did I?”

Natori snorts, not turning around, not otherwise explaining himself, and responds idly, “Stranger things have happened.”

[blue-bower]

Just a bunch of Silly Little Guys

So some of yall have probably noticed I've had a tiiiiny bit of a hyperfixation on clowns and jesters for a while now. 

It really started becoming apparent to me when I latched onto Jevil in 2018, but I've honestly loved clown characters for many years. I think the earliest I may have realized I might have a thing for them was that scene from The Brave Little Toaster, and the Toon monsters from Yu-Gi-Oh. I think I was just, in denial or hadn’t fully realized it. And I’ve thought a lot about all the reasons they appeal to me.

1.) Laughter: Laughter and comedy is fucking amazing. I love to laugh, I love hearing and making other people laugh. Everyone deserves something that can brighten their day, and I love that there’s a bunch of gremlins out there whose entire job is to bring laughter. And I enjoy all the methods they use to loosen people up: Pranks, tickling, general goofiness, appealing to one’s inner child, tickling (x2), making someone absolutely loopy and laughter-drunk with bouts of lunacy and ridiculousness, giving playful scares.

2.) Design: I think clown & jester designs are so much fun and so freaking cute. I love elaborate, colorful outfits, I have mad respect for people who can tolerate wearing facepaint all day, I love seeing people who can absolutely own a mismatched, extravagant, goofy outfit.

3.) Fear factor: I enjoy how much they creep people out. I'm a little shit that loves scaring people, and I myself am an adrenaline junkie that enjoys spooky & unsettling things. It fascinates me how so many people have a phobia for silly little guys in facepaint.

4.) Personality: I've always taken a liking to characters that are unhinged and chaotic with way too much energy. I don't necessarily like blatant Evil/Killer Clown stereotypes (I could honestly care less about Pennywise, and the Joker leaves a bad taste in my mouth due to my ex and an abusive POS ex-friend) But I enjoy characters that don't give a fuck what society thinks about their oddities. Characters who just enjoy being pranking little shits, who just want to be seen and enjoyed for the manic goofballs they are. Characters who are on the verge of finally fucking snapping after being misunderstood for so long, because heaven knows I can relate to that.

5.) Commentary on society: Jesters especially are meant to tear down societal conventions, to mock and point out the shortcomings of the upper class. And I eat that shit up, as someone who absolutely hates societal expectations, corporations, biased dictation over how people should behave, how they should view people who exist outside of heteronormativity, gender norms, race & neurotypical behavior. Clowns are often seen as the butt of the joke, and in that sense, they show a sadder side of how society acts towards people who don’t fit their mold, showing the effect that emotional abuse can have on the psyche of someone who just wants to bring joy.

6.) Relatability to myself: For a long time I’ve loved to entertain people, I love making people laugh, I enjoy being in the limelight when in costume and acting as a character, I love impacting peoples' moods in a positive way. That being said, for a good majority of my life, I felt like I was the clown that everybody mocked and laughed at. I was constantly bullied, humiliated, blown off, looked down on. I was the clumsy, ditzy, undiagnosed neurodivergent that everyone in middle & early high school unanimously agreed was a prime target for projecting their need to feel superior. I've always had the worst luck, and to this day I feel like I jinx everything I say or do. Life tried to make a clown out of me. If the song “Circus Hop” existed in my teen years, I would feel it to my core.

But, now that I'm finally more confident in myself, I choose to embrace the klutzy, silly, manic inner gremlin that craves to see the downfall of massive corporations and bigoted, entitled, joyless prickheads. The side of myself that refuses to let harsh realities and cynicism stifle my childlike imagination & creativity and my passion for fictional worlds in "childish" animated media. And I won't let people look down on me for it. I won't let people see me as a laughingstock anymore - not unless it's on my own terms. I'll choose to let people laugh at me, and laugh with me, for reasons that highlight my good traits, not because they think they can throw pies at my face whenever they want.

[whorecorelover]

Hola people of tumblr, I was not going to write or even share anything on here just lurking and liking posts. BUTTTT, since it’s summer holiday and even tho I’m 21 y.o. I have to come back home for it and guess what it is challenging as fuck.

I am tired, exhausted from within every day. And angry, I don’t think I have ever wanted to be this violent in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this unwanted in my life.

All these feelings I am already used to, it’s the anger that’s driving me insane. The growing need to express that anger in the most destructive way is getting too much for me to control.

You see, I had established a routine for myself before coming back home. I had surrounded myself with people I loved whom care and cherish me. I had softened myself up so much compared to what I am feeling right now. I wouldn’t have shouted unless I was distressed and something triggered me, meltdowns turned into once a month and even once a few months. It has been coming back every night almost. I was taking care of myself physically as well, sports regularly, if I can’t workout I would walk 8-10k steps, I would read and listen and improve myself.

What pains me the most is I feel like all these went down the drain since I came back home. All I am seeing is my family, who are mostly incredibly rude and mean towards me. They aren’t just mean as well they are purposefully humiliating me at any point. Joking about what abusive thing they would do to me and taking away all my freedom with limiting my living to just my room if I want to be on my own. It is unbearable. I have some good things happening to me (rarely from time to time) maybe I could note them down here so I don’t do anything to myself which could have long lasting effects.

🩷 The good thing of the day is that I wore a lovely dress and my mum liked my eyeshadow colour.

🩷I got everyone to leave me alone in the house.

I will not list the bad things here but I’m so incredibly close to.