#are the most immediate examples. but I know there’s more

[mixupmycota]

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that anyone explained to me what a number is.

I'm autistic. I have a great deal of trouble with basic math - for most of my life I've had to do addition on my fingers, and if you ask me to divide anything except in half I will cry. However, I have an intuitive grasp on a lot of advanced math concepts. This resulted in me being placed in advanced math courses in high school while unable to do my times tables.

I was "home-schooled" for a time before I went to high school - my mother started trying to teach me but gave up in a fury when I couldn't get anywhere with math. I didn't understand why my textbook would show me the same questions with the numbers swapped. I thought I had to memorize every combination of numbers ever.

I directed my own education after like a month for the next couple of years, making heavy use of edutainment games teaching me advanced math and science material. These games explained everything from first principles, and I didn't have any problems.

Once I made friends with a wonderful group of people including computer science majors and math appreciators, it was realized that I didn't know what a number was.

Do you? Can you define what a number is? Or is it just an intuitive understanding?

I cannot make progress on learning unless I know all the rules and why they are there. I am also incredibly literal, even among other autistics. This often makes me look incompetent or childish.

A recent example that came up and has since fixed one of the problems I've had my whole life is that I often confuse east and west.

This is because of the mnemonic I was taught for the compass rose: Never Eat Shredded Wheat.

Because I was taught to read left to right, when I read that, I place it on the compass rose like so:

. Never

Eat Wheat

. Shredded

Because that is the shape it would follow if I was writing a calligram or an acrostic.

When my friend helped me make an alternative mnemonic, "Never Wear Soggy Earmuffs", I automatically parse that as:

. Never

Wear Earmuffs

. Soggy

The problem was immediately resolved, and my ability to wayfind has exponentially increased. Similarly, once I realized I needed to learn basic math from a much more literal starting point than with the abstractions school had tried to use for me, I checked online to see if anyone else had similar problems and found a single reddit post that referred me to Basic Mathmatics by Serge Lang. Within 20 pages, I had made more progress on basic math than I ever did in all of my formal schooling. I will be at some point reading through the Principia Mathematica by Whitehead and Russel to learn truly from first principles - that book takes 200 pages to define what a number is.

People have called me slurs, attacked me emotionally and at times physically, and written me off as a lost cause for my inability to do basic math, but the problem was never with me.

I learned the basic rules of how colour and light work late last year, and in a call with a friend of mine who has extensive knowledge of physics and astronomy, thought things through from the big bang to a basic level of quantum physics, just by piecing it together from those basic rules. I, on my own, intuited theories on the way orbital bodies impact time in space, and arrived at three potential models for how the universe is shaped.

I firmly believe that anyone can learn anything, if the right approach is taken in how to teach them, and that every day prescriptive approaches to education are denying all of us the opportunities to flourish. We need people who think outside the box like the teacher did above there, and like the artist I've been studying colour and light under does - that'd be Lighting Mentor on youtube by the way - because it expands the world so suddenly.

Imagine if you met someone who can't eat watermelon. Not that they're allergic or unable somehow, but they just haven't figured out how to do that. So you're like "what the hell do you mean? it works just like eating anything else, you open your mouth, sink your teeth in, take a bite and chew. If you can bite, chew and swallow, you should be able to eat a watermelon."

And they agree that yes, they do know how to eat, in theory. The problem is the watermelon. Surely, if they figured out where to start, they'd figure out how to do it, but they have no clue how to get started with it.

This goes back and forth. No, it's not an emotional issue, they're not afraid of the watermelon. They can eat any other fruit, other sweet things, and other watery things ("it's watery?" they ask you). Is it the colour? Do they have a problem eating things that are green on the outside and red on the inside?

"It's red on the inside?"

Wait, they've never seen the inside? At this point you have to ask them how, exactly, they eat the watermelon. So to demonstrate, they take a whole, round, uncut watermelon, and try to bite straight into it. Even if they could bite through the crust, there's no way to get human jaws around it.

"Oh, you're supposed to cut it first. You cut the crust open and only chew through the insides."

And they had no idea. All their life this person has had no idea how to eat a watermelon, despite of being told again and again and again that it's easy, it's ridiculous to struggle with something so simple, there's no way that someone just can't eat a watermelon, how can you even mange to be bad at something as fucking simple as eating watermelon.

If someone can't do something after being repeatedly told to "just do it", there might be some key component missing that one side has no idea about, and the other side assumed was so obvious it goes without mention.

[theycallmeheaven]

A realization I’m left with after the finale is that a part of my discontentment with the narrative is tied up to a feeling I have, that (to me) Taliesin seemed to be the only person at the table who was aware of how religion works on a societal and personal level and how it can be utilized and/or weaponized. This culminated to two scenes:

1) How Matt played the holy people of Vasselheim reacting to the news of the gods becoming mortals. It was incredibly strange to me that they immediately started to question what Vasselheim was for and what they themselves were there for, especially since Matt went out of his way to reassure everyone that divine magic was not going to be disappearing (which in and of itself is a plot hole in my opinion, and kinda makes me feel icky even though I’m a hard core atheist in real life, but that is not the point of this post). Why would their faiths to their missions as their gods’ representatives be diminished, when their gods now physically walk with them? Vasselheim is going to become the center of the world!

For me the obvious thing would have been that Vasselheim would immediately start to build their power (go to war with the Kryn Dynasty for the beacons), their temples and castles for the moment their gods are found and they can be brought to sit on their thrones. Considering how the Dalai Lama is treated irl or, as a more light hearted example, the Avatar is treated in Last Airbender and Korra (which we know Matt knows about because of Keyleth), I would think that the people who have been worshipping their gods for years/decades/centuries would devote themselves to their upbringing.

It is incredibly difficult to get people to change their deeply held beliefs, because people have endless amounts of ways to get rid of cognitive dissonance that challenges their view of the world. And in CR, people literally just spoke to their gods that TOLD THEM ”I’m gonna be back, please find me”! Why would the holy people of Vasselheim have a crisis of faith, when they have actual proof of the existence of their gods?

2) On the other hand I did not understand the way Vex and Keyleth reacted to Percy wanting Whitestone’s spy network to search for the god babies. For some reason they didn’t seem to see the point of this mission, and I really don’t know how much of that was the characters and how much the players. The idea that they should just let the babies grow up however they grow up based on where they are born, completely ignores how there are thousands of people in the world who (I believe) would want to make those babies their literal God Kings or destroy them before they become a ”problem”. Considering how huge of a part of Avatar this is (the genocide of the air nomads anybody?) it would seem weird that this would not be a possible world building or plot thread in CR. So why would this be such a blind spot for Vex and Keyleth who, in my opinion, are incredibly wise/knowledgeable/experienced characters? And then they didn’t have time/energy as players to actually get into that argument at that point in the game, so it was just left hanging…

In my opinion Taliesin played his characters brilliantly, because every time he switched characters it became more and more apparent, that he was aware of possible societal outcomes of the situation, while also playing faith beautifully, AND on top of that having the most assholishly anti-god character on the table. He really went hard on both character psychology and social philosophy, but for me that couldn’t really shine when no-one else was meeting him on the same level.

[sharky-teeth]

anyone looking for more wincest fic recs?? nobody?? okay here you go anyway. i have a bunch of fics i couldn't fit into the other list, so i needed to make a brand new one with more variety this time around. i organized it by wordcount to make things easier, however i rarely read long fics, so these are mostly pretty short. once again this list got way out of hand...

(for mature or explicit rating, you can assume it's [sometimes implied] bottom sam, or it isn't discussed. for bottom dean or versatile samdean, i made a small separate section of my favorites.)

1k~5k

Remember the Mountain Bed by nigeltde (G, 1k): post canon. sam and dean jr. one of the only fics that have ever made me cry and with only a thousand words! this one is so very dear to my heart, heartbreaking in its details, yet warm and soothing at the same time. just gorgeous.

Are You by lovetincture (G, 1k): one of my favorite gen fics. i adore second person POV and this is a great example of how it can maximize impact.

I Was the Dirty Little Boy (E, 1k): a quick weecest sparring session turning into spanking... you know. the good stuff.

Stealth Run by LaughableLament (E, 1k): late seasons + established relationship + possessive dean + slutty sam. i love this author a lot.

State of Mind by lovetincture (M, 2k): the summary goes "It's legal in the state of Ohio." yes it is as good as suggested. the tension in this fic mwahh

The Euphoria Emporium by Laughable_Lament (E, 2k): sam and dean visit a sex shop and dean gets jealous. quick and nasty.

Be Mine by De_Nugis (T, 2k): first part of a short series. for people who love silly, goofy samdean. this is no plot, pure crack. the kind that actually makes you laugh out loud.

Dating for Dummies by sevenfists (M, 3k): there's not enough first time aftermath fics. this has ruined me because it is the exact level of lighthearted i love, where the brothers continue being brothers first and foremost, even after boning.

We Are Drinking Beer at Noon on Tuesday by whirlpoolsleep (M, 3k): neat outsider POV. always love seeing the brothers through normal people's eyes.

With Mercy for the Greedy by whiskyandoldspice (E, 3k): unmatched weecest pwp. the amount of hits/kudos doesn't always mean quality but for this one it absolutely does. this is pretty much flawless in my eyes.

August 5th, 2001 by coricomile (M, 4k): established weecest! this was cute and tender with the right amount of angst surrounding sam's imminent departure. bittersweet ending.

Run It All Over by runawaydr3amer (E, 4k): first part of a series. the classic "brotherly handjobs" scenario, but it immediately stood out to me. really on point voices and hot amosphere.

Dean's palm would be rougher by FrancesHouseman (M, 4k): hand kink! i think we can all relate to sam here. this has a scene that's hotter than many pwps i've read lol

Know when to walk away and know when to run by deirdre_c (E, 4k): brothers playing strip poker goes too far... set in s3. great sexual tension and a super satisfying first time.

At Least It's Only One Song by ADeedWithoutaName (E, 4k): dean-gifting-sam-a-lap-dance fic. another outsider POV with an instantly likable OC. she can tell there's something off about those guys...

sticks and stones and weed and bones by aeroport_art (M, 5k): sam seeing a therapist at stanford. really great character study and winchester family dynamics. the conclusion to this story is just... crazy. so well done.

Shadows on the Sun by Linden (M, 5k): soft weecest first kiss! the thing i liked most in this story is how protective they both are. nice brotherly feelings.

wretched creation (M, 5k): one of my favorite reads of last year! criminally underrated work with less than a thousand hits. angsty feels and an unsettling atmosphere. dean facing a demon who knows more about his feelings toward his little brother than he'd like.

Forty-One by themegalosaurus (E, 5k): angsty unnegotiated kinky sex with lots of hell trauma. the kind of porn that's so nuanced and well written it doesn't get me horny (that's a compliment!)

Monumentally Stupid by strive2bhappy (5k): dean helps sam shave and it was hotter than i could ever imagine. great banter, tension, and emotional weight.

Double Solitaire by objectlesson (M, 5k): post mystery spot. amazing character study through a very creative concept. this is one of the authors who really knew how to write dysfunctional wincest.

6k~10k

this bullet inside me by missroserose (E, 6k): who's up for angsty first time in a long time? if you enjoy hathfrozen (i'm sure you do), this will definitely hit a similar spot.

Belonging by strive2bhappy (6k): wifey sam. i repeat Wifey Sam!!!

Lucky Streak by merle_p (M, 6k): thirsty pining done so right. incest that gives you butterflies in the stomach, believe it or not.

You Can't Lose What You Never Had by nigeltde (E, 6k): nigeltde is an incredible writer. from beginning to end this fic is insane. angsty, desperate, emotional, shameful, this takes you on a rollercoaster of emotions. top notch characterization.

How it Works by Dyed_Red (M, 6k): this is probably in my top ten fics of all time, peak codependent, obsessive, dysfunctional samdean. this particular fic really nails their dynamic and the most delicious, fucked up aspects of it.

Taking to Give by Dyed_Red (M, 7k): lovely character study. this one is a bit softer than most Dyed_Red works, it offers an emotional view of sam and dean growing up. heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

Wire Inside Me by merle_p (E, 7k): the sam-is-carrying-lucifer's-baby fic. this story is great for how it deals with the pregnancy pushing dean over the edge. the first time tension here is excellent!

Dean is badass. Sam has always known it. by FrancesHouseman (E, 7k): very interesting dynamic with sam and dean playing mind games to see who gives in first. i like this cocky sam a lot.

Hush Little Baby by hellhoundsprey (E, 7k): CNC weecest. sam and dean go to a haunted house and get up to some nasty freaky shit. it's even better than you can imagine. fyi there's dean in a clown costume.

they said it was the fall of man by jukeboxhound (M, 7k): set in s6, the aftermath of sam getting his soul back through dean's POV. pure angst and overwhelming emotions, beautifully written, it hurt so good.

Man of Steel by glovered (T, 8k): THE lighthearted incest fic for me. along the lines of paxlux's 'Artery', at least to me. this borders on crack, a hilarious, feel-good story that always makes me smile when i think about it.

Disney Princess Hair by Dyed_Red (T, 8k): gencest/weirdcest in its best shape. sam as sleeping beauty! and obviously dean being very very very weird about handling the curse. i loved how this touched on the obsessive aspects of their relationship while keeping the tone light.

Architecture of Choice by Dyed_Red (E, 9k): yes another Dyed_Red work bc they're my favorite author. this one has one of my fave tropes (fuck or die) and it deals with sam's lack of bodily autonomy in a visceral way.

Pull over by jjtaylor (E, 9k): for my piss play enjoyers! this has lots of great tension and it goes way beyond kinky sex.

This Is All Very Meta by road_rhythm (E, 10k): loss of virginity roleplay fic. except it's sooo much more than that. i thought this would be fun and lighthearted, couldn't have been more wrong. the emotional depth delivered here caught me by surprise, but it shouldn't have, given the author. flawless characterization as usual.

God will forgive me but by sammyatstanford (E, 10k): weecest with lots of pining!sam and angsty yearning. brothers who need each other in sick, twisted ways. there was also a great amount of actual brotherly feelings, which is always a plus in my book.

>10k

Acid by Goshen (E, 12k): to this day one of the most insane things ever written. this fic is a classic, it's a surreal experience, a fever dream. dissecting the brotherfuckers, no stone left unturned.

Baby Blue by Edwardina (E, 13k): sam gets hit with a curse that makes him need to suck on a pacifier 24/7. it turned out to be way less sexual than i expected, this is for caretaker!dean lovers.

Learn to say the same thing by glovered (T, 14k): great case fic. sam and dean go to a single's retreat in the mountains for a case and eventually have to confront their incestuous feelings. every glovered fic just fills me with joy.

Supersize Me, Sammy by awabubbles (E, 16k): sadly one of the only size queen sam fics ever written, but it is absolutely perfect so i made my peace with that.

Only Natural (Be My Hands) (E, 17k): sam manages to break both his wrists so dean steps up to take care of his needs. and i mean all of his needs.

Relapse by ani_coolgirl (M, 21k): lebanon AU. i adore this fic, i'm in love with it, i think about it all the time and will think about it forever probably. everything here was done incredibly well, one of those fics that feel specifically made for me lol

Edges by glovered (M, 23k): amazing banter and lots of UST. set in stanford era but it's not really angsty. the tone was just perfect for me, this fic had me GIDDY.

Driving Down the Darkness by Nutkin (M, 39k): one of my faves in terms of Brotherly Feels. extremely well written and thoughtful, super slow burn. outstanding early seasons getting together fic that everyone should read.

Like a Ghost with Two Voices by Dyed_Red (E, 46k): my favorite demon!dean fic. some of the wildest scenes i've ever read. pretty disturbing and incredibly delicious. if you're into fucked up consent stuff, this is a must read. it has a happy ending!

bottom dean and versatile samdean recs:

Take Backs by saltandbyrne (E, 2k): swesson + switching. hands down one of the best PWPs i've ever read, which was to be expected from saltandbyrne. it really doesn't get filthier than this.

How to Wear Polka Dots by homo_pink (M, 6k): swesson. this one is so so weird. and so charming. interesting and refreshing writing style, i had so much fun reading this.

Here's Your Future by autoschediastic (E, 7k): weecest with teasing!dean for a change. loved the power dynamics here, and the intensity throughout the whole fic. desperate, guilty first time, badwrong at its finest.

Enduring Love by oschun (E, 7k): really enjoyed the relationship study here, insightful and well written.

there will be better days by deadlybride (E, 9k): my favorite heaven fic! so warm and peaceful and emotional, full of love and longing and happy reunited soulmates. just thinking about this story makes my heart ache in the best way. really really beautiful.

Yeah, I'm a Back Door Man (E, 22k): established relationship. dean's hell trauma. this was a rollercoaster, great character study, good mix of angst and schmoop as well. probably the best bottom dean i've read so far (along with a couple Goshen works)

Yesterday, minnesota by Goshen: (E, 29k): speaking of applecrumbledore... this fic truly rewired my brain. the queen of "fucking for years without talking about it until one of them snaps". brilliantly executed, one of my favorite deans ever.

yay it's finally over! still i wish i had more long fics to rec lmao do check tags carefully before reading! enjoy the wincest goodness!

[communist-hatsunemiku]

this might be a strange take but as someone who was groomed and who had what i would call an "elitist" mindset towards it, zako really seemed like it was about that mentality. of knowing you were playing with fire but feeling like you were above it. and for that i was really attached to it for the 2 hours it was out. the more logical side of me KNOWS its more likely a play off mimukawa nice try but i would love to believe it was meant to cater to a different audience than loli-cons. what's your take on the fiction vs reality of it? do you think westerners are just overreacting

I think you're interpretation of the song is valid, and pretty interesting tbh! I had not thought about that at all, and it's a case for letting people interpret the song in their own way. Instead of kowtowing to the loudest, most offended people. I also think the fact the creators literally took down the song amid backlash is pretty strong evidence they didn't make a song "for lolicons". They obviously did not anticipate this reaction, Channel admitted to having reservations, and tried to make Yuuki somewhat older-looking in the video. Whether you think she does or not, is up for (good faith!) debate. I do think she does not look like the literal box art version of the character, but that's kind of beside the point.

there is no fiction vs. reality debate because there are no real human beings harmed in the making of this song. Like, full stop. The "well kaai yuuki has a child VA" shit doesnt hold water cuz that person is an adult now anyway, and there are plenty of other songs featuring her that go wayyyy beyond this one. Like it's just something people reached for out of convienence. Same for "it violates her TOS!" like no one gave a fuck about Kaai Yuuki's TOS before it became a convenient cudgel in this particular situation.

The thing is, no one can have conversations about stuff like this in good faith because you are immediately labeled some kind of monster for trying to have any kind of nuanced opinion. Any dissent from "this song/movie/book is irredeemably evil and your sick for defending it" is taken as proof that you are a pervert monster. It's such a clear example of people, willfully and gleefully, diving into reactionary thinking without a shred of thought.

When really, I do think having an actual conversation about lolicon causing you discomfort is totally normal, and it's a pretty reasonable response to this stuff! But people can't just say that, they have to burn the whole thing to the ground, in the name of "protecting kids" or whatever bullshit they come up with. I don't actually like a good portion of Miku art for the same reasons people didn't like Zako! There was art going around on twitter of Miku with a literal binkie in Her mouth like a baby, and that shit was kind of weird! But I just didn't engage with it, that's it. People whipped each other up about the "harms" of this song, when simply not liking or engaging with it at all would have been the normal thing to do.

Freak outs like this do not protect anybody from anything. My big hot take is that having a moral panic about literally anything has more potential for actual harm than whatever it is people are panicking over. You simply cannot make rational, thoughtful decisions that prioritize protecting people from abuse when you are in a panic, or listening to people who are in a panic. You just can't!! It's not how shit works!

I know I have other asks about this, but I'm kind of trying to answer here, definitively, and let the topic dissipate. I'm glad I got the video downloaded, and we'll see what they release to appease all the weirdos who freaked out about the song. People objected to both the video and the lyrics themselves, so I don't know how they're going to come out with a new version that isn't radically different than the original. We'll see.

[candidenigma]

I think there are two issues here.

One is the completely valid point that nowadays a person's social life, work correspondence, financial management, weather channel, local & world news, address book, personal notebook, dictionary, thesaurus, encyclopedia, calculator, maps, recipe folder, and novels, games, music, etc., may all be encapsulated on their phone, whereas previously they would all involve different items. Time spent on the phone is often time spent on things the person would have to do anyway, or would want to do anyway (e.g. paying bills and reading a novel, respectively).

The second issue is that, while I don't think smartphones have any special ability to engender addiction (by altering brain function the way that drugs & alcohol can), it is possible for someone to develop: a) a bad habit which is unhealthy or socially inappropriate but not technically an addiction b) an addiction to something that isn't brain-altering

A bad habit might be someone mindlessly checking their phone whenever they sit down somewhere. Instead of taking a moment to observe their surroundings, think about whatever they're going to do next, or simply collect themselves, they immediately reach for their phone - without even knowing what they intend to do with it. Another example might be someone who takes out their phone during a conversation to look something up and then has to check various apps before they put it away again. Or someone who compulsively checks their phone during a meal or another activity. I have seen all of these and occasionally been guilty of them. They are not addictions but they are bad habits which it takes self-discipline to break.

An actual phone addiction develops in the same way as an addiction to gambling or anything else that gives an instant and repeated dopamine hit. The addiction is not to the phone itself but to games or social media which are accessed on the phone. Some people are genetically predisposed to addiction more than others but the most significant factor is stress or boredom (which causes stress) that the person is trying to escape. A genuine phone addiction would therefore be treated in the same way as a gambling addiction. However I suspect that genuine addiction - as opposed to a collection of associated bad habits - is uncommon.

I wish it was easier to talk about mobile phone addiction without sounding like a boomer

[mangionebabymama]

hey there! it’s “lulu feels too hard” anon back with another mini rant (not really a rant, more like an observation haha)

It’s in the same vein of him feeling emotions hard, but i think one thing that needs to be emphasized in this dynamic is how much he’s tried to subdue his emotions – and i don’t just mean recently. in many clips from his prep school days, like when he’s getting an award for example, you can see him smiling like a bit, but then cutting back to this neutral expression. Funny enough, it’s his eyebrows that always give him away loool. It’s similar to how he acts in the court hearing, full of expression, but then immediately goes back to a stoic, neutral expression. There’s even moments like this in some of the clips from Hawaii.

I guess my point is, how much was he taught to mask his emotions, and put up a front. It seems to me that he was brought up in a collective environment where the saying goes “always put your best foot forward, regardless of the circumstance”. I can understand this, coming from a family with similar values of “you represent the family name, your success is our success.”

i think though, that this seems to be what makes lulu resonate with so many of us: he’s empathetic, despite trying to be stoic. There’s a duality about him – the confident Ivy League scholar and the vulnerable, empathetic people pleasing boy who seeks affirmation one way or another.

but I think under this guise of putting your best foot forward, combined with a sense of always showing your masculinity that many guys of that age are pressured to do (and let’s not forget that for most of his schooling he attended an all boys school so there is that sort of “our boys” culture that’s pervasive in these realms), he had to hide the other part of him which felt so deeply, so hard.

it reminds me of one of his Reddit posts talking about his issues with Brain Fog, and how he initially never thought to talk about it with his friends, and instead masked it under this idea of “oh well, marks don’t matter for computer science majors” even though he was hurting and feeling so disappointed in himself to the point of contemplating dropping out. But the part that sticks out to me the most is what he said after in the post about even if you do end up telling them, if you wait too long, it’s almost like they won’t believe you (or something along those lines). And idk, that’s just such a heartbreaking way to think and it makes me sad for him. He internalized so much it seems. And truthfully, I’m not blaming anyone in his circle (family/friends) because I think part of it was also lulu never wanting to seem weak, which unfortunately clouded his vision of seeing that there were people who probably may have wanted to help. It’s just an all around sad circumstance :(

Sorry for the long write up, don’t feel like you need to provide a long response too! (haha i guess in some ways, i relate to lulu too :)

No, no, please don’t apologize for writing this, you captured this so well! 🥺 I wish I had more to add on, but you literally took all the words out of mine and emphasized on this beautifully.

I also think there’s that duality of having an internal vs. external struggle, where he could easily show and offer empathy towards others like it was nothing, but when it came to himself, it was a completely different story to extend grace. I know he had to internalize a lot, and the physical exertion of carrying all that weight on him had to have shown. I remember somebody mentioning how when he’s in deep thought in some photos, you see all the lines on his forehead—and there’s a lot of them, and once you notice them all crinkled, you’ll never not look at them in other photos. So, he literally has/had so much on his mind.

Reading that part of about his brain fog, about the irony of opening up too soon to your friends, fucked me up, to be truthful. I similarity dealt with this about two years ago, when I experienced two close familial deaths within a month before I started my senior year of college, and I was grieving hard. So many people that I know looked at me and considering my bereavement with the “strong Black woman” trope because I do have a strong personality, and I’ve experienced a lot of hardship in my life, so some felt like that I was gonna be alright, regardless, and kind of brushed off my grief like, “Oh, she’ll be alright, you’ve always managed to go through things” but no, lol. It’s the reality that I think, that many of the “strongest” friends in the group more often than not, face, surprisingly, contrary to belief—it happens all the time. When you’re commended to be a strong, resilient person, people don’t consider you to be weak, as in, you can’t persevere through struggles, but if you do, you’ll be fine, and the suffering won’t take much of an effect on you. But, like anyone else in this world, it still hurts, and it’s still acceptable to just give yourself the space to say that it sucks, and it hurts to be hurting. It’s sort of like, you have that universal perception of what it means to be hurt, but you can’t express that you’re hurt in the same breath.

[bellamoooon]

Childhood best friends to lovers, i love this concept a little too much and got carried away lol <33

She’d never know, at least that’s what he convinced himself of.

She’d never know that she was like a breath of fresh air after drowning for hours, that she was like the first bit of light rising up in the morning, that she was like the feeling of warmth when getting praised, that talking to her was like hearing his favorite song for the first time again, that her laugh was engraved in his brain and he could hear it even when she wasn’t around, that her presence radiated light that seeped right into his bones, that seeing her was like a shot of espresso immediately waking every nerve in his system, that her smile gleamed with such brightness it could light up the whole world in an eternal darkness, that her eyes said so much more than anything she had ever said, that she was a perfectly aligned harmony when everything else was out of tune.

She’d never know, but he did.

She lived within him; His whole life had been reduced to her.

“Wow Art, this is really good!” his literature teacher spoke as she read his paper, “y’know, if the whole tennis thing doesn’t work out, you could be the next big writer, I mean it.”

For his literature class, as a “creative exploration exercise”—his teacher calls it—they had been assigned to write a paper on someone of something which they could understand as unrequited love, of course he had chosen you, because what better example than you and Art.

You and Art have known each other since diapers due to your parents being best friends from their college days up to the present day, which sort of brought the two of you together one way or another, but you wouldn’t have it any other way, and neither would art.

Growing you with you might’ve been one of the best things he has ever been able to experience, he wishes people could actually get to feel what its like to be shined on by your light, for him, it truly is unearthly every time.

Sure, you two had distance shoved in your faces when he went to MRTA, but when he returned home for breaks, it was like nothing changed, it was just you and Art.

And of course as cliché as it may be, the inevitable happened, Art began to fall in love with you.

At first, he tried to convince himself that it was just the affection he had for his best friend, but he had no way to deny it. From the second he stopped just seeing you, but when he started seeing you.

He could try to blame it on his hormones and being a teenager, but everything else contradicted that.

In the summer, seeing you in your two-piece swimsuit didn’t seem the same, especially since you had started to grow into your big girl body, as his nana said.

At Christmas when he saw you walk into the living room dressed as Cindy Lou who from shoes to hair, with a goofy smile, but why did it make him blush? You seemed the same, you did this every year.

Patrick mocked him for having a small picture of the two of you in his wallet, but he didn’t care, whenever he was having a bad day, or missed home, he’d look at the picture, instantly erasing anything that disturbed his thoughts.

But you’d never know that. And he was okay with that. For the most part.

A couple of weeks he went back home for spring break, he was feeing at ease, he’d see his parents, his nana, and…you.

“Artie! My sweet boy!” his grandmother called out as he walked out of the car to the front porch with a suitcase in his hand, and a wide smile. His grandmother ran up to him wrapping her arms around him, her warmth immediately transferring to his skin, he was home.

“Nana, hey, how’ve you been?” he spoke with a sweet tone as he hugged her back. Sure, tennis was his whole life, but coming back home felt like a weight was lifted off his back, he doesn’t have to be THE Art Donaldson, he was just…Art.

“You look so tired baby boy, let me take your bags, go take a shower” his nana said as she shut the door behind her.

“Nana, seriously don’t worry—“

“Will you just let me take care of you while you’re here? You’ve gotta do all this yourself at school, but not here Artie” and well, there isn’t much arguing with nana Donaldson, it’s just how it’s been his whole life.

After his shower, Art walked in his room with a calm breath and loose muscles, how he needed that warm shower, as he walked over to his bag, which was placed next to the window he began to look for some clothes.

He wasn’t one to feel prying eyes on him but by reflex, Art lifted his head as he looked through the window, it was you.

You covered your mouth clearly giggling as he looked down at himself completely naked only covered by a towel wrapped around his waist, “fuck me” he muttered as he looked up once again but now face completely flushed and the tips of his ears burning red.

He waved awkwardly as he pulled the curtains closed feeling flustered, he wanted to get his mind off of her, so he said, how’s that going? Not great.

His nana looked up as he came downstairs with a puzzled expression, your name left his lips.

“What about her?” She asked as she left a plated grilled cheese in front of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me she was home for the break?” She laughed, why is she laughing?

“Sweetie, I thought it was obvious, she always come back home for breaks” she shook her head as she smiled playfully, “though, I think there’s something about her being here that bothers you”

“What— no, no, it doesn’t bother me, I just— would’ve expected something else, I don’t know”

“You sure?” She slid the paper across the counter with delicacy, “are you absolutely sure baby?”

“Nana! I told you to stop snooping, come on!” He said taking the paper as quickly as possible, could this day get any worse?

“One, I wasn’t snooping, it fell out of your backpack, and two, Artie, you know you can tell me anything, right?” He lowered his head ever so slightly as he grabbed the sandwich to then take a bite.

“I know.” He said once he swallowed, she leaned against the counter with curious eyes.

“She’s good, she’s smart, and really talented, did you hear she put out a song?” He lifted his brows in surprise, you really had picked music, over psychology, huh…

“Huh…well that’s great, I’m sure she’ll do great with all that” his nana scoffed as she muttered a small “art…” with a warning tone, “what? I mean it”

“You gotta give me more than that after that thing you wrote, Art, I taught you better than this.”

“I just—! I don’t know what to say, Nana, that’s the problem. Not to you, not to Patrick and most definitely not to her” he spilled, fiddling nervously with his hands, “I’d screw our friendship, one sided feelings aren’t worth risking years of trust.”

“Well you never know Artie, sometimes holding onto those feelings is painful, even if something is on the line, it isn’t worth it if you’re hurting” she was right, but Art would never say that out loud, this was all too much for him.

“It’s just…it’s not easy”

“Well my boy, no one said love was easy, and sometimes, just sometimes, the most complicated loves, are the most beautiful ones” he listened intently as he finished off the grilled cheese, she was right, maybe all he needed to do was tell her.

You had to know.

So there he was at 2:34 a.m throwing small pebbles at your window, just like he did years ago to then go the skate park at midnight and sit at the top of the ramps while you talked till sunrise.

“Stop throwing rocks Donaldson, you’ll wake the dog” you came out the door in pjs but wrapped in a jacket, he turned with a confused expression “I came running down when I felt the first two rocks” you laughed softly as you blushed slightly, God you missed this.

It’s like being kids all over again.

“So how’s tennis and all, Mr. Stanford?” You asked as you swung your hanging feet off the ramp.

“Y’know tennis is the same always, trust me, you don’t care” he laughed as he shook his head, “but Stanford is nice, just not the same without you and Patrick on my ass all the time”

“Ah, of course, because that’s the biggest change you’ve had since we were kids up to today” you rolled your eyes as you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Yeah…” he chuckled dryly as he looked away, could he be more obvious, goddamn.

“What?”

“No— no, it’s nothing” he insisted.

“Art I know you, it’s not nothing, what’s up?” You pushed as he looked up at the sky biting his lip while humming, “Art?”

“Hm?” He turned to look at you again, you lifted a brow silently asking once again, “ah…I— I love you” he blurted out unable to stop himself.

You opened your mouth but nothing came out.

“I have since the summer you turned fifteen, you just— you kinda started to seem different to me, and I— I fell in love with you.” He sighed, “and I know timing sucks and it’s gonna make things weird, but if I didn’t tell you, it would eat me alive, y’know it’s been so long—“ his rambling got cut off as your lips crashed onto his almost immediately.

His body tensed up completely, the feeling of your lips foreign to his, but so familiar at the same time, the reality was better than any dream he had ever managed to build up in his mind, your plump lips tasting faintly like cherry lip gloss, he was most likely dreaming, he thought, cause there is no way he had told you how he felt, and even less probabilities of him kissing you.

As you pulled away, he found himself instinctively following you with parted lips and eyes shut, he was so high with your mere presence, a soft giggle from you snapped him back to reality as his eyes opened up slowly, pupils blown, he looked as if he had just seen God.

“…Did you just—“

“Kiss you?” You ask slightly tilting your head with a giddy smile, “seems like it”

You shrugged as you snorted softly.

“Oh.” Oh was the only thing his brain could process for him to say still stunned.

“Okay— so you tell me you love me, but I kiss you and all you say is ‘oh’, I mean—“ you said as you licked your lips as you thought.

“I just— I didn’t think you’d— like…you…like…” he fumbled as he tried to pull a thought out of the back of his brain.

“Art, you’re telling me you didn’t expect me to kiss you, when I’ve literally had this…I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, and I’ve been as subtle as a marching band” you tell him as a blush creeps up your face while you chuckle nervously.

“You’re kidding, right?” You shake your head with a small grin, he scoffs as he covers his face with his hands, “am I just that dense?”

“Not dense, more like…oblivious” you laugh as he glares back playfully.

Then there’s beat of silence, that moment where suddenly everything had fallen into place, he’s been pining over you for years, and you’ve waited for the right moment for as long as you can remember, but then the question settles in, what now?

“Uhm…art…?” You turn to him with hesitation, he hums in response “what now? I mean, you’re going back to cali after break and I’m going back to New York…”

“Hm…I hadn’t really thought that far into it” he said softly turning to look at you with gentle eyes, “what now?” He asks back softly.

“I— I like you, Art, I’m in it for the long game.” You spoke honestly as you fiddled with your fingers.

“I’ll play the long game. You’re out there, I’m out there too, we’ll see each other in summer, thanksgiving, and Christmas…I mean it, I— don’t just like you.” He confessed as he chewed on the inside of his cheek nervously.

“I can do that” you said softly, smiling back at him, letting out a small breath, “long game…?”

Your hand cupped his cheek making him face you, he smiled as he nodded, looking down at your lips and back at your eyes “long game.” He muttered as he leaned in kissing you once again, holding you gently in a fear of breaking you.

That right there. That was it, you were the living proof of unrequited love for him.

[vpyre]

So. Finally finished Veilguard. Here are my thoughts immediately post-ending in case anyone cares what I think lol

(Putting under a cut cus spoilers and also lots of words)

The final cutscene where I convinced Solas to bind the Veil to himself right before the wrap up epilogue thingy had me cheering and flailing around in my seat and actually tearing up a bit, but after, it set in that I didn’t really feel like I connected to most of the companions and it felt like their stories made no actual impact on anything. And it somehow felt like Rook didn’t impact them much at all either, even though you make some pretty big choices for them. They didn’t really have the depth of the companions in the other games or the strength of the bond the other game’s companions had with their protagonist. Rook felt very separate.

The whole game felt very low stakes and like there wasn’t actually any chance anything could go wrong. While I know there’s a bad ending, it’s really hard to get compared to the other games. You’d have to not be a completionist and completely ignore a large amount of side quests.

It felt a lot like all the choices I made were sort of inconsequential and took me to the same places regardless of what I could have chosen. It’s like the game holds your hand and treats you like you’re a child who needs to be guided through the whole process with failsafe after failsafe. It’s like it didn’t trust the player to just PLAY and feel the consequences. I want there to be consequences!! I want what kind of people the companions turn out to be to directly affect the story!! Like, the fact that most of their big choices don’t really have a right or wrong answer rubs me the wrong way. It feels like Emmrich choosing lichdom should have more tangible consequences than just losing Manfred, for example.

I want characters that struggle with morality and whether or not doing An Evil Thing is worth the cost. I want characters that are kind of assholes at the beginning for various reasons and who develop and improve (or get worse!!) as the story goes on. They were all WAY too nice to each other fsjdkfjdjchfjd. I miss Dorian and Vivienne bitching at each other. I miss when Anders told Fenris to kill himself. I miss when Morrigan and Alistair couldn’t get through a sentence without insulting each other at least twice </3

I also really, REALLY, REALLY wish there was more romance content or that there had been more acknowledgment of the romance in the epilogue than just one line without much to it, because GOD what it did actually give me was SO GOOD. I want MORE of that. And people say Emmrich’s is the most fleshed-out and finished romance. Yikes…

I seriously loved every scene with him and will fight anyone who says it isn’t a gorgeous romance, but all it did was leave me wanting MORE. It felt like there should have been MORE. I wish there’d been a celebration scene at the end at the very least. Give me a chance to give Emmrich a victory kiss PLEASEEEE!!! To be fair though, I think BG3, DAI, and DAI’s Trespasser DLC spoiled me SO rotten in that regard lmao.

Like, this game was SO GOOD and I loved every second, don’t get me wrong, it just felt like something crucial was missing to make it a full and impactful experience. There was SO MUCH potential and it makes me really sad to know that it genuinely, actually could have been even better than it was. It could’ve had me sobbing at my desk, but it just BARELY missed that mark. It felt rushed almost, which is fucking CRAZY considering that it was in development limbo for TEN FUCKING YEARS, but fucking EA was breathing down the dev’s necks and meddling and fucking with things, so I guess this is what we get 🫠

And what we did get was damn good, but- and I’ll say this over and over until the fucking cows come home- it felt like something was MISSING. It felt like there should be MORE. There was this sense of dissatisfaction with the whole thing that the other games didn’t give me in the slightest.

The writing was genuinely so good too!!! The story was fantastic!!! But the execution and some of the dialogue and the missed opportunities for connection between player and companions and the way the companions AND the player felt disembodied and separate from the rest of the world and each other just made the whole thing kinda unsatisfying. As a whole: great game! I had a ton of fun! I just wish there had been MORE.

Anyway, takeaway from Veilguard endgame: I fucking HATE capitalism!

[paingoes]

4, 10, 29 for the ask game!!

4.) Do they groom themselves? What details about their appearance are chosen by other people?

Delta takes care of his own appearance and hygiene and everything on most normal days, but that duty gets offloaded onto the maids for special occasions. He’s not allowed to make any permanent alterations to his body — cutting his hair or tattoos for example, huge No. He’s also not allowed to object to any alterations to his body — had his fins pierced without consent. The staff has basically total control of his appearance on special occasions…

But on the off-days he can more or less do as he pleases. He’s usually bare-faced and wears his hair in a braid when he can. He dresses for comfort those days.

10.) Are they a favorite? Are they precious or replaceable?

Delta is like the single most expensive thing Constantine ever bought and the most valuable thing Paris ever owned. He is pretty much irreplaceable and was created under circumstances that will basically never be repeated because of how high the failure rate was. Of course he’s precious :)

29.) Can they endure torture? Is there a method that immediately breaks them? Are they good torturers?

Helllllll no. I mean I guess it depends on what you consider torture. I would say he was basically tortured just through his upbringing but it was always framed to him as a lesson or punishment which caused him to rationalize it. Additionally he always knows it wouldn’t go too far because if his handlers did permanent damage to him, they’d be spiting themselves. If he was tortured for information or to get him to comply he would crack pretty much immediately. Especially if it was about Empire who he does not give a fuck about. He would sell out their secrets for free. He did! If he was tortured for information about Galatea he’d probably try to hold out longer but wouldn’t be very successful. Additionally Levon would not want him to. He’d much rather have Delta sing than to have him be tortured. He’s got a soft spot for him…

it’s funny you should ask if Delta would be a good torturer though! Let me let you in on a little behind the scenes secret:

Delta’s treatment was a lot more brutal in the earliest drafts of Destroyer. One of the scenes I had with him was him being dragged into this interrogation chamber and his owner ordering him to like. methodically and slowly break the individual bones of the prisoner they had there in order to get them to confess. This was very effective basically but it was traumatizing for Delta and he wouldn’t have done it of his own free will. So basically yes but only if he’s forced to….

[purecommemasolitude]

Is it really a French musical if there’s no number with every dancer in underwear

[summergoodwife]

Gonna say it again, "Just stop consuming the genre" is THE WORST POSSIBLE RESPONSE to someone complaining about the lack of representation in their preferred genre!! And "Consume other stuff too" is not much better!!! I don't care how much you think varying media consumption is a Good and Holy lifestyle, not everyone wants to do that! There is no obligation to do that and there should not be! Because it's fucking entertainment. It's not a college major.

And! And and and. I would be remiss to not point out that when you tell someone, "If you want well written (minority) just get out of (genre fandom)" you are, regardless of your motivations, rhetorically aligning yourself with the exact same bigots who just want the pro-representation crowd to shut up and go away.

[smile-files]

this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/

(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)

[daisywords]

finally realizing why it's so common for villains to also be amazing fighterguys at a statistically unlikely level, in addition to whatever else they have going on......I did not do that and now at a certain point it's like...yeah that person is evil and very clever but at the end of the day it's just a person...you could just kill them. and you wouldn't even have to try very hard....

[pearlsdefenseattorny]

There's no "calling out" in analysis imho- people just interpret things different and implying some kind of morality is involved (that some interpretations = moral, okay, while others aren't) always feel a little pushy and chronically online to me. However I understand the point being made here and here's my take...

The reason no one is applying the same logic to Rupphire is probably multifaceted and I'm not the end all be all, but the reason *I* don't is because not only is the power imbalance just... somewhat less of a thing according to worldbuilding, it's less emphasized narratively. rubies are apparently made for the gems they protect becuz of how ruby reacts to seeing sapphire ("as my sole duty and purpose, i will protect you with my life!") in the movie, but they are not objectified the way a pearl is and if you havent seen the movie its even less obvious. pearls have default settings and can be customized... they are at the veeeryy bottom of the hierachy and diamonds at the veeeeryy top, making rose and pearls difference in power a little more obvious and intense than ruby and sapphires.

significantly less time is spent on ruby's feelings of inadequacy even though it's briefly examined- we get one or two scenes, im thinking specifically "the answer" and "gem heist," and in both of these examples sapphire is SHOWN onscreen to immediately communicate disapproval and assure ruby she's equal. in someone entirely new:

"well what about you?"

"what about me?"

"well *you're* here too.. we're here, together."

and she places her hand on ruby's. in "gem heist" ruby stammers that shes disposable and sapphire's like "what!?" and in jail break, when ruby says "who cares?" sapphire retorts "i do!". there's more on screen evidence here sapphire and ruby feel equal and sapphire actively solicits belonging, equality, etc. from ruby. sapphire obviously onscreen kinda often tbh communicates love, adoration, respect for ruby etc, just think of their wedding ep! we dont see that from pearlrose. im not saying that it wasnt there but the audience isnt shown it.

we get a LOT of scenes and lyrics about pearl's objectification by homeworld and her feelings of inferiority.

"Everything I ever did, I did for her. Now she's gone, but I'm still here." - pearl

"Because pearls aren't for this! They're for standing around, and looking nice, and holding your stuff for you."- peridot

"But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you... I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. I need someone to tell me what to do." - pearl

"Who am I now in this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her." - pearl

"Well, you know Rose.... She always did what she wanted" - pearl

these lines are incomparible to many of ruby's lines and rose isnt there onscreen to dispute her claims of inferiority/helplessness like sapphire is there to dispute ruby. whether she even would or not is probably intentionally left to interpretation, serving to obfuscate rose's supposed good character.

also: sapphire never utilizes her position of power over ruby to force ruby into silence about one of the most traumatizing events of her life. not saying this is smth she even could do, but either way she doesnt do it.

anyway this is why i think the conversation is different. their relationships are presented differently becuz well.. the two relationships *are* different.

You know if people talked about Ruby and Sapphire’s relationship the way they talked about Rose and Pearl’s I’d imagine for at least some it’d highlight how infantilizing it is towards Pearl and how it demonizes Rose for basically no reason.

Like, nobody in the SU fandom would ever think “Ruby only loved Sapphire because she was programmed to be loyal to her.”

If anyone said that they’d be called out and rightfully so. But that’s like a common talking point for a lot of the people who try to undermine Rose and Pearl’s relationship.

Why is ok to say this about them?

[arabela25]

this is good

[unproduciblesmackdown]

withering whenever it's like "can't believe they did this Horror in tv y7 media" type thing When what that means is "made a reference to r rated horror movie" like can't believe an evident approximation of Recognizably Specific character or sequence or whatever is in there. like why not. and why is that in & of itself Impressive like well is the scene actually good / is whatever the Reference is being used for effective even without going "i get that reference." do we expect a kid to get the reference. do we expect it to be that motivating to be like "oh shit here it comes. clapping & cheering for Getting The Reference which is the only reason i showed up" like i fucking guess. that "yes, i too Get The Reference" motivation sure Apparently existing but it's so alien(tm) to me (oh my God this media that's not Teens & Up showed a Xenomorph(tm) (but not (tm) so as to be sued?) how?? &, the vision of this, i guess) like does the thing (oh my god. another generally recognizable horror movie. or movie poster) make sense if you don't go "ah, i know exactly what's being referenced :)", is there any broader Effect even if you do Get It. idgaf about clapping b/c They Said (A) Thing i recognize from other media & can like turn & be like "ah did you recognize this as well? delightful" like help. agonizing even if it Doesn't have any meaning If You Do Not Get It. was horrified myself at some interview doing a billions(tm) style Movie Quotation to expand on what someone said by going "oh it's like that scene in movie where she says quote & does moment that makes a trailer" & i was like yeah i do know that material but why was that Specifically invoked to make a point so generic it's barely relevant to that elaborate interruption....like that obviously i think it can be a lot of fun if someone is like "ah i too know that thing" but only if that leads to relevant in depth shared enjoyment of Some sort of specific element. not like oh hell yeah high five over the most superficial thing, or it being a bummer / Shame if you Don't too know that thing, who give a shit. i've never seen anything ever. but preexisting References / whatever passed around description/invocation of peak recognizable / memorable / relevant element sure reach me such that like oh yeah i Know Of xyz sequence without having ever seen that thing. probably without necessarily realizing b/c it had any function in its source material without knowing "ah, this is a reference. & i know it" & like there's no [wow this is a reference to whatever] that would motivate me in & of itself, i think the peak motivation was this sweet spot of like, i was Barely Online before being fourteen & already liked things as an individual experience so the idea that there were other people Liking & Knowing the same thing seemed a lot more impressive for a time lol. but it would still have to be specific enough, might've been like "ooh a reference to thing??" several times & then been like okay that wasn't that rewarding lol

obviously a matter of Taste like idc it's grating to me but have fun with [a reference??] revelry, i'm not making a specificass blog post to an audience of Four with this drive like "oh how i wish that this was Illegal" just like idgaf about wordplay/pun haters like whee yippee i'm a connoisseur, we're obviously having different experiences, i'm meanwhile also having the experience that i don't give a shit about Getting a reference alone or along with anyone else, regardless of any other effect [that which happens to be a reference] has / is used for. or it's like the Huh, What, of "when i like i song i'll memorize at least part of it probably, i like to sing along, if not Extra liking it & memorizing Most or All of it, perhaps with extra effort" (me) vs other people like huh wha i've never memorized a song in whole, much less on purpose, b/c i liked it. vs even if there's a song i really like (like a source material being referenced that i really like) i'm not gonna respond to Just The Title or effective title like half line from the refrain or anything, unsung. gimme a karaoke moment. idk