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the intimacy of being a weapon. your body is an extension of their power, your words an extension of their will. you are made significant in the way a gun is only dangerous with a finger on the trigger, and a blade only swipes through the actions of a swordsman. to have one end of yourself fit perfectly, comfortably in their hands while the other sheds blood. you are given purpose because of them, and they are given strength because of you.

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I'm a lost cause...

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I like to think Sibi and Spite have long, very funny conversations when Lucanis finally falls asleep

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you just know that thedas has a thousand and one romance books about the antivan crows. they're antivan, they're assassins... if zevran and the warden got together, leliana probably hit the number one spot on the thedas top 100 charts with her song about it

and poor lucanis, romance reader that he is, is probably hyperaware of it all. so when rook starts flirting with him (especially a rook who is not a crow), he's probably thinking, "ok. this is what they're expecting. i can do this. i can be this for them"

and then he just... can't. it's not in him. it's not who he is. and you just know he beat himself up over it. he'd see it as just another failure, just another way that he isn't what he is supposed to be

he has spent his whole life walking the razor's edge of caterina's expectations, and now he is plummeting to earth. he failed to kill ghilan'nain. he failed a contract. and now he can't even manage to forge a romantic connection with someone, even when he wants to

(it makes me wonder if caterina even pressured him to take a partner, to have children, to carry on the dellamorte name. and did anyone in that family model a healthy relationship? were his parents in love? did caterina's expectations lead her children to marry whomever she deemed fit? or was she more forgiving when her legacy seemed more secure? does lucanis even remember his parents? and what about caterina's spouse? what were they like?)

lucanis managed for more than thirty years to be the perfect assassin, to be caterina's perfect grandson, the perfect dellamorte. he has kept any doubts, any imperfections, any spite locked tightly away inside himself. and now it's all spilling out into the open

as much as he fears people being hurt by spite, i think he also fears people even seeing spite. spite is messy, spite is emotional, spite doesn't care about other people's expectations. and lucanis can't enter into a real relationship with rook until he can let go, accept spite, and come to peace with all the messy, emotional, imperfect parts of himself

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DA: Veilguard Tree-Elves SCREAMING ????

Guys guys guys omg. When you find one of those tree people in Veilguard, get your headphones, turn up the volume, and listen closely.

They are crying. It's very subtle as it sounds like creaking trees at first. But if you listen very VERY closely, you can tell it sounds more like whatever is left inside them is still alive and crying for help.

I am creeped the fuck OUT!

Screenshot made by me. Feel free to share.

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Guys this is not an expression of disappointment. I'm sorry if this was a letdown when you're romancing other characters but for me this is a cause for celebration. It is important for characters to mean something to each other outside of romance.

It's not really fun to come here and say "Hey this is really important and incredible" and have people respond as if it's a negative, or worse as if I'm saying it negatively. You're of course free to have that opinion but that's not what this post is for.

My big secret is that I thought that your lover would be the one Solas tricks you into thinking is dead after Ghilan'nain is killed and when I found out it's Lucanis no matter what, that Rook screams and runs to Lucanis no matter what, I lost my damn mind and I've been riding that high ever since.

Let me be clear in that I think Rook loves all their companions deeply. Let me also be clear in that I am very biased. But there's something so raw in that moment, after Rook shouted for Neve/Bellara before Elgar'nan stole them away, after Rook shouted for Harding/Davrin after Ghilan'nain kills them.

Rook has lost two companions already, snatched from him in a blink and irretrievable. No bodies to bury or burn. They are completely lost. And there is something so raw and aching in the fact that it's Lucanis that Rook can run to. Lucanis's body they can touch, whose coldness they can feel, whose stillness.

I imagine that is when it all really felt terribly real, that Rook had lost people and wasn't getting them back. This is the moment where the price of victory sinks in as deep as a blade. It's Lucanis whose "death" drives that point home, Lucanis who briefly shifts into Varric to remind Rook about the loss that started it all.

Since I romanced Lucanis first, I assumed that the game would replace him with whoever you'd committed to. But to see that it's him no matter what, that the final resounding crash and culmination of all Rook's losses thus far ends with Lucanis?

Solas says "Did you think you'd win the day without some painful sacrifice?" while Rook gazes down at Lucanis. My god, there is so much love in that. I can't talk about the tender look on Lucanis's face when he ran to Rook when Ghilan'nain dropped them or I'll start biting my computer but my fucking god, there is so much love between them.

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I just finished reading Tevinter Nights and it's a shame how a lot of low income folks like me don’t have access to it or any of the other Dragon Age novels or the cookbook or the two editions of world of Thedas *sigh* I did put a photo of my cat right here though if you want to see how beautiful he is, please ignore the loose pdf files in the folder!

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neve doting on assan, like if u agree

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birdie😩

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My big secret is that I thought that your lover would be the one Solas tricks you into thinking is dead after Ghilan'nain is killed and when I found out it's Lucanis no matter what, that Rook screams and runs to Lucanis no matter what, I lost my damn mind and I've been riding that high ever since.

Let me be clear in that I think Rook loves all their companions deeply. Let me also be clear in that I am very biased. But there's something so raw in that moment, after Rook shouted for Neve/Bellara before Elgar'nan stole them away, after Rook shouted for Harding/Davrin after Ghilan'nain kills them.

Rook has lost two companions already, snatched from him in a blink and irretrievable. No bodies to bury or burn. They are completely lost. And there is something so raw and aching in the fact that it's Lucanis that Rook can run to. Lucanis's body they can touch, whose coldness they can feel, whose stillness.

I imagine that is when it all really felt terribly real, that Rook had lost people and wasn't getting them back. This is the moment where the price of victory sinks in as deep as a blade. It's Lucanis whose "death" drives that point home, Lucanis who briefly shifts into Varric to remind Rook about the loss that started it all.

Since I romanced Lucanis first, I assumed that the game would replace him with whoever you'd committed to. But to see that it's him no matter what, that the final resounding crash and culmination of all Rook's losses thus far ends with Lucanis?

Solas says "Did you think you'd win the day without some painful sacrifice?" while Rook gazes down at Lucanis. My god, there is so much love in that. I can't talk about the tender look on Lucanis's face when he ran to Rook when Ghilan'nain dropped them or I'll start biting my computer but my fucking god, there is so much love between them.

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mr thrill of the chase

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More Adrian Mercar

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There is another aspect to the Rookanis romance that I think is really interesting and that is authenticity, especially from Lucanis. Lucanis is not a flirt. He isn’t good at it and he isn’t comfortable with it. The early Rookanis relationship is two people learning to care about each other. There is almost no ‘flirting’ but there is a lot of focus on caring. However, then comes the pantry scene.

Lucanis comes out of nowhere and is suddenly Mr Flirty, sensual and seductive. The scene goes badly, however, and it ends because Lucanis suddenly pulls away and leaves. It left Rook understandably confused and a little hurt. That pantry scene was Lucanis trying to be something he wasn’t. This is a man who has read romances and has watched his cousin operate. He is a people pleased who knows what people want and is trying to be that person. Then Rook touches him and it falls apart (what exactly that touch did is up for interpretation and could be a whole different post). As much as he genuinely cares about Rook at this point, (and I do think he has feelings for Rook by this point) he isn’t comfortable. He has a lot of things going on and there are a lot of things telling him not too. He isn’t ready to take the next steps and he can’t pretend like he is.

However, this is what makes the pastry scene actually really good. This comes after Inner Demons, where he is raw and real and unable to hide anything. However Rook sees this and still supports and cares for him and helps get him on a path towards healing. It doesn’t frightened them away and so Lucanis tries again. However, instead of being his cousin or a character from a romance, he is just Lucanis. He bakes them a pastry he knows will go well with their favorite drink. He doesn’t try for sensual and hot. He is earnest and a little awkward and Rook accepts this. This is the real Lucanis and by accepting the pastry declaration, they are accepting the real Lucanis, not the suave Antivan crow, but the man who likes knitting, wyverns, and cooking.

Lucanis never goes back to that flirty persona, even during and after the romantic scene. His feelings are very clear and he is passionate about how much he cares for Rook, but it is real Lucanis (he does flirt a little bit but never gets to the point of the pantry scene). He does not try to be someone he is not and Rook accepts the person Lucanis is. It is one of the many reasons I adore this romance.

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I could write an essay on the way Lucanis Dellamorte loves but for now I'll just say that him being so open and genuine with his friendship and love toward the rest of the team, immediately buying every single person at least one thing even if they didn't ask for it or even know they wanted it because he pays attention to them and their needs, fully accepting the responsibility of feeding everyone along with Bellara even though it would be a fairer distribution of labor if they kept the original cooking rotation, supporting each and every one of his teammates - even Davrin! - in their endeavors and respecting them and their choices, being ready and willing to converse with them and either answer their questions or provide a listening ear, making them desserts and coffee as a way of both caring and providing for them and sharing his passion with them in a small and non-intrusive way—

you would think a man like Lucanis, with tragedy following his family like a shadow, with a history of losing nearly everyone he loves, with the belief that all he knows and all he's good for is death, would try to stop anyone from bonding with him. and here he is doing the opposite, every day. actively bonding and openly, deeply, honestly, expressively, unapologetically loving.

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To the ‘themes I am picking up on in Veilguard’ list, let's go ahead and add what I have a sneaking suspicion will actually turn out to be The theme:

— the world has changed and can never be as it was again.

— I have been changed and can never be who I was again.

— in this simple unavoidable truth there is endless grief and endless hope.

And I… may be getting a bit emotional about it haha. Let me show my work a bit: 

if da:o is a game about people who are already dead or half ghosts in some form (through societal forces, psychologically, functionally, literally, in body, through the joining etc.) coming together anyway to save the world from being swallowed by total nihilism and despair (symbolized by the blight) through the power of love and friendship and also this sword/potential heroic sacrifice that I found, da2 is a game about people who have lost their homes and been set adrift finding and building new homes in each other (while completely failing to save the world. also through the power of love and friendship. as well as years of petty bickering <3 we must imagine kirkwall if not happy then worth having been because the love was there the love was there and that's the only sanctifying force we can ever have in this doomed world and city of ours), and da:i is a game about old stabilizing-but-unjust comfortable lies vs. disruptive but potentially liberating uncomfortable truths, and the power of friendship to help us distinguish the one from the other and navigate through them...

folks… I'm starting to think that veilguard might be a game specifically about moving towards recovery and acceptance after trauma — about how even in this flawed, severed, scarred state, what is here right now is worth loving and worth caring for. even in an imperfect and impermanent world and self, there is worth and joy. and of course the first real tragedy — and threat — of Solas is that he just cannot find it in himself to accept this and move on, to let go of what was, the regret won’t let him go or he won’t let go of it. which means that even though on the surface it’s Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain (and the will to subjugate and violate they represent) who are the main villains, the real antagonistic force in this story beneath that is the Dread Wolf’s despair. A despair Rook must make an answer to by the end of the game, one way or another, compassionately or with righteous fury, triumphant or pyrrhic.

The world will change again and again and so will you — BUT the crucial element is that so will everyone else who exists along with you, you are fundamentally not alone in this existential truth. all we’ll ever have is each other and my god that is plenty, my god that is enough!!! Which is the second thing Solas just can’t accept, he keeps himself separate and completely alone out of an awful mix of fear and pride and feeling himself unworthy of anything else. Rook and the player want to save the world of Thedas because it’s where everyone we love lives, Solas wants to go back to the past because that’s the only neighbourhood where he can still visit those he loved — and the person he himself was, before. A very sympathetic and human instinct/trap to fall into when touched by trauma, I think, if only it wasn’t backed by godlike power, a fundamentally oppositional personality, and a catastrophic lack of therapy to make it literally everyone else’s problem too lol. It’s varric and solas’ banter about the man on the island and where meaning in a life comes from all over again, writ large and with detail work — and the added idea of ‘what if there are also other islands out there, though. With other people on them that you could find if you reach for each other’. Rook with the best of intentions has to make choices to which there are no perfect outcomes and live with what happens — and not cut themselves off from everyone else around them even when there is regret or shame. You get back up every day and you make a life with other people doing the same and you do your best, and that’s the only victory this world will give you. In the end, that is more than enough, that is essential. And I um. I love that. So much. It’s why some of the writing clumsiness on top can’t hurt me because this thematic spine is so solid and so beautiful to me. It’s DA2 all over again that way for me personally — I forgive this story for what it isn’t and couldn’t be, and I love it with my whole stupid open heart for what it actually is. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk and goodbye etc.      

(For my fellow TLT heads out there — you know what this story is reminding me of most of all, actually? It has some big Nona the Ninth vibes down there in the deep. It’s about… the horror and unspeakable beauty that can only be found in liminality, and the role of love in making that basic fact of existence bearable. And also even more unbearable at the same time. I'm so sorry.)

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Oh my god thank you so much that's so crazy 😭😭😭

(continues to be insane) I can’t get over the fact that Spite asks for help.

Spite is often treated childishly by several characters—Taash, for example, and even Lucanis depending on your dialogue choices—but I actually…don’t think Spite is all that childish. He’s been put into a situation he’s never experienced before, in a place where reality doesn’t work like it should, and been put through torture that he feels doubly through Lucanis on top of it all. Any person would through a “tantrum” under these circumstances. Spite’s behavior is reasonable.

He never tries to hurt Lucanis’s companions, not once. He only ever tries to leave, as Lucanis promised him he would be able to. Even Lucanis, he only hurts once outside of the Ossuary, when he must have felt unbelievably confused. Calivan is dead and Lucanis has gone home, has allies, and yet to Spite, he simply refuses to leave the Ossuary. And still, he asks. He could wrestle control from Lucanis, but instead he asks (or demands) to talk to Rook. And all he wants to say is that he wants to be free.

All and all, Lucanis does not reach out to anyone to ask for help with his depression or PSTD. Spite is his problem, he says, and says often. His burden. He never intended to let anyone in, even though he admits that he doesn’t know how to start healing. He asks for Rook’s help against Zara, against Illario, but no one is privy to his mental and emotional struggles.

Spite, on the other hand, asks immediately. Or he wants to ask. And finally, when Lucanis is in the middle of a spiral, it's Spite that says "Help us." Not demanding, just asking. Pleading. And still only to Rook. While I think at first, Spite wants Rook specifically because he knows Lucanis will listen, I think that has grown into something more by the time Inner Demons comes around.

"Help us," he says. Not just 'make him listen' or 'help Lucanis'. Us.

This is all to say I think that while Spite may not understand or feel romance (yet) he most certainly feels love. He loves Lucanis, whose image he takes ("They wouldn't dare, Lucanis is mine.") and he loves Rook ("Rook is my favorite." "Smells like...Rook." "Help us." The WINGS.) And that's all trust is, isn't it? A kind of love? Showing vulnerability to someone close to you?

When Spite is finally allowed to communicate, he shows plenty of maturity. He gives Lucanis space, he asks Emmrich to teach him fire, he's willing to try new things, and he loves.

Determination is a kind of love too, when you think about it.